A thick, black felt photo album laid spread on the beige carpet of my bare bedroom in front of my makeshift TV stand. The evening sun’s last glow was quickly disappearing behind my slate striped curtains. Every morning I had to endure sunrise at its earliest, since I had an east-facing bedroom. But, I refused to complain. Why? Because of this moment right now. I needed the still of the night and the peace that it possessed. 

I had managed to unearth ‘our’ box of memories. I’d found it in the still-unpacked boxes from when I moved into my first apartment some months ago. I’d moved to finally get away from my parents’ clutch. To finally have the freedom that I’d longed for all these years. Blindly, I had assumed moving away from my family, and in turn essentially being abandoned by them, would have bettered my relationship with him. But, if anything, I now see that it weakened it further.

Working for pennies, I’d been able to get my own place – a lovely townhome in my college town, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms. Slowly, I’d begun to decorate it. Curtains, check. Rug, check. Toaster, check. He’d always offered to help me out, but I couldn’t do it. This was all mine. For the first time, I was doing things my way. The way that I wanted them to be. 

Looking around at the picture frames that I had recently hung up, a bitter chuckle escaped me. Memories of Frisbee dates at the city park, aquarium trips, swimming at the local watering hole decorated my walls. Blanketing me in sweet memories that now burned a hole in my heart, like putting out a cigarette on my skin. My eyes shifted back to album, and tears clouded my sight. 

I knew the alcohol had erased all reigns on my emotions. On my way back from seeing him this afternoon, I had stopped to purchase a new bottle of tequila. Rent and bills had been paid, so I’d splurged. I longingly looked at the quickly disappearing bottle of Gran Centenario’s Plata tequila. Tipping the glass bottle, clear liquid filled my glass. Filling it to the rim, I swallowed a sob before tipping it back. 

My throat burned as the pepper-spiced, aged liquor coated it. The burn, however, could not compare to the ache in my chest. Every time I went to open the album, my hands would snap back. Afraid, as if the book could hurt me anymore than I already hurt. Taking a deep breath, my ears picked the sound of the song coming from my ipod. 

“You feel it too, huh?” I bitterly spoke looking at the device’s screen. Maybe ipods were like pets – sensing its’ owner’s mood. 

For awhile to love was all we could do
we were young and we knew
and our eyes were alive
Deep inside we knew our love was true
For awhile we paid no mind to the past
we knew love would last
Ev'ry night somethin' right
would invite us to begin the dance 

My fingernail traced the silver manuscript that decorated the front of the five-year-old album that I’d created in an attempt to gift him something sentimental and romantic on a future anniversary. My foolish heart had planned to gift it on our 5th anniversary, a would-be celebration on September 23rd. 

A journey with open minds, opens souls, and open hearts… 

I knew there was a bitter smile on my lips as they taste my salty tears. My vision blurred by the never-ending flow of tears. Endlessly, I’ve cried. Tirelessly, I’ve cried. Finding the strength from somewhere within, I flipped the cover open. 

“Oh god…” I sobbed. Staring back at me, our first picture together. Cheek-to-cheek, hometown’s annual end-of-the-summer cookout. We’d been introduced on St. Patrick’s Day by mutual friends. He’d been so rude to me after I asked him for directions, guess he thought I was a fan trying to find a way to talk to him. I’d been running late to get to my friend’s birthday/St. Patty’s Day party, and I couldn’t find the restaurant downtown. I had spotted him out of the corner of my eye in the middle of my “oh-my-god-I’m-lost” spaz fest. I had seriously considered giving up trying to find the restaurant and heading back home. 

Miraculously, I was able to find the restaurant without his help, of course, and it turned out he was my friend’s friend too. You see, I believe in second chances, and I know that first impressions aren’t everything. So, I gave him a chance after he apologized. Well, I’m glad I gave him another shot. Because he had me in stitches all that night and for the rest of our relationship. 

He had asked me to accompany him to the BBQ down at the town’s premier park, and that night, before the hired band had played it’s last jam of the night, he asked me to be his girlfriend. And oh my, was I floored? I never would’ve thought he or any other guy would ever want to be with me. I might’ve stopped breathing for a couple of seconds before I agreed. 

“Yes, of course, yes,” and so, it’d begun. A fairytale romance that would have so many of my classmates jealous. A romance that many “adults” envied. A romance that completed me, shaped me, excited me, thrilled me, scared me, hurt me…broke me. 

Wiping a tear away, I looked at the page I’d stopped on. Our song. Oh yeah, that was gone. An empty promise of eternal love. Babyface’s “I Swear” serenaded us at our first dance. I’d accompany him in my red wine-colored halter evening gown. All night, I’d played the role of the patient date. Finally, as the DJ announced the final song, I begged him to dance with me. Our first dance. Throwing another drink back, I wiped my mouth unceremoniously on the long sleeve shirt that I wore. Pitifully, I’d dressed in his sweats and shirt that I’d stolen so many years ago. Though they had long lost their scent, the solace that I found in them was unmistakable. Flipping mindlessly through the album, I came to the very last filled page, August 8th, last year. 

Somethin' happened along the way
what used to be happy was sad
Somethin' happened along the way
and yesterday was all we had
And oh after the love has gone
how could you lead me on
and not let me stay around
Oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found 

Our last date, his birthday. Yes, we’d been out to get food and see a movie or two since then, but none could be considered dates. They’d become more of time-fillers. Something to do. Something to keep us from arguing. Ever since I’d told him that I wouldn’t be coming back the following summer, it’d all begun. Night after night, fight after fight, tear after tear, endless. 

I moved out. He came to stay with me. I was in heaven. I thought we were fixed. Boy, was I fool. I blind fool. Ten days of bliss, waking up to his face every morning. Coming home to his smiling face every night. Eating dinner with him. Showering together. Doing laundry together. Grocery shopping and cooking together. Taking walks after dinner together. Blissful.  

Ignorant. The night he left, we fought. Every night after that we found. Finally, I was fed up. I called him. I needed him to know how I felt. We took a break. We needed to find ourselves. I think we had lost ourselves in the ‘us’. There was no longer a ‘you’ and ‘me’. 

I thought we were doing good with our break. Giving each other space to breathe and figure things out. Of course, I shouldn’t have assumed. A night out with my girls’ turned into a night of revelation and heartache. Just thinking about it made my chest throb with an inexplicable pain. 

“Dammit…how did I get here?” I asked aloud falling back onto the carpet. My armed shielding my eyes, my tears running down the side of my head and over my earlobe, my lips quivering, my insides shaking, and my throat closing. My other hand pounded the floor in frustration, in pain, and in loneliness.

For awhile to love each other with all
we would ever need
Love was strong for so long
never knew that what was
wrong oh baby wasn't right
We tried to find what we had
till sadness was all we shared
We were scared this affair would lead our love into
Somethin' happened along the way
yesterday was all we had
Somethin' happened along the way
what used to be happy is sad

“So what you’re saying is you don’t love me anymore?” JC paced the park’s parking lot. We had agreed to meet up at a park down from his house since his parents were in town. I doubted this would be a conversation they needed to hear. 

“That’s not what I’m saying at all, dammit! I’m saying that I don’t think our love for each other is enough anymore! I love you, Josh, I really do. My entire heart is yours, and I have no control over it. But, we fight more than anything now!” I replied in frustration. My fingers tangled in my once-styled hair as I tried to run them through in frustration. We’d been at this for over two hours now, and it was like I spoke to a wall. 

“So, we fight! So what? Everyone fights. Get over it. Stop being a coward!” he spat. Physically, I took a step back at the harshness of his words. Fresh tears sprung to my eyes, and quickly spilled onto my cheeks. 

“How am I coward? If I were a coward, I wouldn’t be here trying to work this out! I’m not going to sweep this under the rug anymore, like you like to do. Dammit Josh, if this is the end for us, I want to walk away with the good memories,” I begged as I reached for his hand. Sensing my proximity, he snatched his hand away and glared. 

“Don’t you pull that bullshit on me! Either you love me or you don’t. Playing the martyr is not going to work!” 

“Martyr? Really? Give me a break, Josh! I’m not here to bullshit you. Not one of us is to blame more than the other. Maybe I shouldn’t have moved away. Maybe the physical and emotional distance with us is my fault. But, you could make the effort to go visit me. I come down on my every day off, when do you go see me?” I tried to rationalize with him. 

“What’s the point of me going up there? You’re always busy hanging with your girls, and I end up having to crash your girls’ night,” he bitterly replied leaning on the trunk of my black Acura.
 

Somethin' happened along the way
oh yesterday was all we had
And oh after the love has gone
how could you lead me on
and not let me stay around
Oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

“It was a movie! I’m sorry I went to see it without you! I’m sorry!” I protested as I grasp onto his shirt in an attempt to get him to look at me. He wouldn’t. He didn’t care. 

“It’s not about the movie, I’m not that shallow,” he mumbled without turning to look at me. 

“Then tell me how you feel. I’ve told you how I feel,” I pleaded. I freed his shirt from my grasp and took a step back from him. Wrapping my arms around myself, I lamely imagined it was his arms holding me like before. 

“I just don’t know what you want from me,” he replied. Turning sad and tearful eyes towards me, my heart shattered. He really didn’t know. I had placed all my cards on the table, face up, and yet, he didn’t know. Had I spoken in a foreign language all along? Had I loved him in another language? How could he not know? How could he not know I needed him? 

“Josh, all I ever needed was for you to be my man. Look, I’m not the little girl you met five years ago. I know I’m strong-minded and strong-willed. I know I’m capricious. And, I sure as hell know I’m difficult. But, I’m not always strong. Sometimes, I need you to be my rock. I can’t shatter and still be my own support beam. I don’t always know what to do or what to say. All I know is what to be. And, I can only be me,” I wiped at my tears, foolishly believing my cheeks would dry. 

“I am a man!” Josh argued. A fire blazed across his eyes, a mixture of fire and water. Standing before him, I can’t think of one time when he’d actually fought with me. Our arguments were always void of yelling and cursing. He always raised the white flag, and left me arguing on my own. Maybe that’s why we still argued about the same things year after year. We never truly settled arguments. 

A soft sign escaped my lips and I shook my head. He doesn’t understand.
 

Oh oh oh oh oh oh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found
Oh woh woh after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

“Yes, you are. You are your own man,” I shook my head in disbelief. “And you are a man that loved me unconditionally and selflessly. Yet, never knew how to love me. And I, well, I’m just a woman that never knew how to love you either. We love each other the way we’d want to be loved. We’re so caught up in ourselves that we ignore each other. I’ll say this and risk sounding cliché and like a complete ass, ok,” I spoke. Daring to raise my hands, I cupped his beautiful face between them. I waited until his eyes settled on my own, and I swallowed back the knot in my throat. 

“Maybe this is exactly what we need. Maybe when it’s all said and done, we’ll see that we’re better off on our own or we’ll know exactly what we need to work out. You’ll cry for me, and I’ll cry for you. You’ll bleed for me, and I’ll bleed for you. We’ll take this space and time to learn to breathe again, to be free again. I don’t know how to do this without you either, but we’ll figure it out. And then, maybe, one day long from now. We’ll run into each other – stronger and happier – and we’ll hug and know what we meant to each other one day,” my voice quivered, and never allowed me speak above a whisper. Silent tears ran down his face as he blinked before wrapping his strong arms around me one final time. 

I couldn’t control myself. My body shook with each sob. My sobs bounced from his chest and filled the now-cloudy day. My hands gripped his shirt tightly before wrapping around his slim waist. As the reality of the situation settled in my heart, my body didn’t want to ever let go. I hadn’t felt this safe and warm in his embrace in ages. Ironic that I’d feel it again at the end, right? 

after the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

“You know I loved you, right?” his voice broke. His simple question received another sob in reply. His hand rubbed my back in a feeble attempt at comforting me. After what seemed like an eternity gone by too quickly, he held me away from his body. 

Using the pads of his thumbs, he wiped at my tears. Keeping his hands on my face and looking into my eyes, I knew it. This was it. Nearly five years with this man, and whatever came from his lips would make or break me. 

“Baby, I’m sorry for the way things are. They say goodbye is always hard, but like you said, we’ll both be stronger. I’ll still be here if you ever need me. I love you,” a kiss on the temple and a heel twist, and he was gone. 

After the love has gone
what used to be right is wrong
Can love that's lost be found

“Shattered,” I whispered into the lonely night as my memory came to an end. Hours ago, I’d stood in front of him. I wanted him to beg me to stay, to try to work this out, to simply try. Instead, he gave up. Like always, he raised his white flag and walked away. The years, the tears, and the smiles didn’t matter to him. 

“He gave up…he let me go,” a rolled my body onto its side and curled around my pillow. My now empty bottle of tequila laid beside my last glass of liquor in front of me, taunting me. I watched a droplet fall from the tilted bottle’s neck onto the open photo album. Closing my eyes tightly, as if willing the memories to disappear, I cried more. 

I cried for the lost of my heart, the lost of my soul, and the lost of my sanity. I know I shouldn’t regret giving it all away to him, but he handed it all back broken to a million little pieces. Maybe he assumed that by not arguing with me, he was pleasing me. He was saving me. Or maybe he… 

Maybe I should stop excusing him. Maybe I should start holding him accountable. Because, in the end, it wasn’t only me in the relationship. I gave everything I knew to give and then I learned to give the rest. He taught me to love, to care, and to feel. I was alive beside him, but dead in front of him. 

I’m bitter. I’m hurt. And, I’m angry. 

Rushing to wipe the alcohol from the picture before it could ruin it, I looked at his smiling face one last time. Sitting up, I wiped at my tears as well. The alcohol rushed to my head as I attempted to stand upright to clean my mess of tissues, pictures, and drinks.  

Looking around my bedroom, I made a decision. I would cherish the good and forget the bad. I’ll learn to thank him for it all. I’ll thank him for teaching me to love, to laugh, and to live. 

Taking my glass, I look at the picture of him atop my dresser. Nodding in salute, I raise the glass to my lips. 

“Here’s to the love we once had,” I whispered before tilting my head back. I squeezed my eyes tightly feeling the last burn of the night flow down my throat to the pit of my stomach. Making my way to the bed, I’ll tuck myself in for the night and find strength in my dreams. 

You know, I’m not afraid of being alone. And I’m not afraid of never finding someone else that will love me. All I was ever afraid was of never being ‘ok’. 

I’m not sure how I know this, so I won’t question it. But, after the love has gone and the pain has numbed, I know I’ll be okay.