The water splashed quietly as Josh slipped in. I opened an eye and looked in his direction to find nothing but ripples where he had entered. I leaned back against the inflated lounge I was on and watched as a cloud drifted across the full moon.

"Hey," Josh's soft voice was next to my ear.

"Hay is for horses," I glanced over at him, offering a small smile at the weak joke. He shook his head. I lifted my head off, glancing him over. Rivulets of water were running off his head, collecting across his shoulders before dripping back down into the pool. He rolled his eyes and pushed the lounge, upsetting it. I flailed for a second before falling in.

I pushed my hair out of my face as I stood up, facing him. I gave him a glare, playing up my anger with a few huffs when I noticed his stare was below my eye line.

"One of my favorite underwear sets, probably ruined for your enjoyment." His eyes moved up, meeting mine.

"Hey now," I whispered, sobering at the look in his eyes. "What's going on?"

He moved to the edge of the pool, pulling himself up on the edge. I followed, pulling myself up next to him, the concrete rough under my hands and light breeze cold against the wet of my skin. I sat and watched him quietly for a few moments while he seemed to gather his thoughts.

"If I ask you something, will you be completely honest with me?" He turned his head to watch me.

"Yes. Completely."

"Why are you with me?"

I felt my mouth drop open and closed it. "I don't..I don't know," I saw Josh's eyes start to harden before I could finish. "I don't know how to answer that." He nodded once and looked down at his hands. I slipped off the concrete and moved to stand between his legs and looked up at him.

"I don't know why we're together, really. I know that I love you. I love you like I've never loved anyone before. I always have loved you. First as a friend, then as my best friend, then as my lover, my husband, and the father of three of my children," I smiled at him. "You can't say you were my first, or that you knocked me up with twins, but you're the one that gets to brag about knocking me up the most."

He scoffed. I put my hands on either side of his legs and he watched me. "We almost didn't happen, you know. I was very tempted to tell you go get out of my house, out of my life. I almost did, too."

"What made you change your mind then, if you were so determined to be done with me?"

"You did." He looked surprised. "You looked so sad, so broken, and you had been my best friend for more than a year. You alone offered condolences when I left Lance. You were the shoulder I cried on. They weren't the only tears I shed over the whole ordeal, but you were the only one I felt comfortable enough with to let past the shell I had created. And when I saw your face as I started to turn you away, I knew I couldn't just shove you out of my life, with the history we had."

He nodded. "I need to confess something," he murmured.

"I'm listening," I told him.

"I...hired a private investigator to find you." he rushed it out, the words nearly blurring together. I frowned for a second, letting what he said sink in.

"When, back then?" I asked. He nodded. Something clicked in my mind. "It all makes sense now," I whispered.

"What does?" his eyes were full of worry.

"How you knew where I was. I always wondered. I know I didn't tell Lance where I was going. I was sure I didn't let slip with Diane or any of you guys."

"You never answered my calls after you left."

"I know, you weren't alone. I wasn't answering anyone until I got the new number. I needed a fresh start, so you can imagine what went through my mind when you just showed up," I pointed out.

"A fresh start yes, but you just up and left without a word, without a trace. You had a lot of people worried. Not just me or Lance, but the other guys, Diane and Jim, Johnny,"

"Johnny? Really?"

"Yeah, though that might have been because we were distracted. He was livid when he heard the story of what happened, but when we told him we hadn't heard from you since, he started to worry too, I think," he chuckled a little. "You didn't sit in that meeting. The one we had when I brought you down to Orlando."

"Do I want to know?"

"The first half of the meeting was spent with everyone asking me about you. Then we went on to Justin's solo gig and what we were going to do, and then it went back to you. And me. 'How is she?' 'Why is she here with you?' 'Where'd you find her?' 'What do you mean, married?'"

I raised an eyebrow at the last one. "Who asked that one?" I was only half curious.

Josh scratched the inside of his arm. "Joey. I wasn't too popular there for awhile. Broke the man's code."

"There's a Man's Code?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

Josh gave a half smile. "Thou shall not hook up with a bro's ex. Thou shall not use the urinal right next to another bro..." he trailed off as I started to laugh.

I sobered up and rubbed his knee lightly. "I'm sorry."

He waved his hand. "It's fine. It was worth it, for you. They all came around eventually, didn't they?"

"Yeah, I guess." We lapsed into silence for a long time.

"Can I bring something up?" I asked.

"Bring what up?"

"Harry."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess."

"Look at me, please." He met my eyes. "I am sorry I kept it from you for so long. I know I should have brought it up long ago. Like, before I did it." Josh nodded. "But I'm not sorry I did it. You wanted a boy, I wanted you to have a boy."

"Because you're such a mind reader, Sam."

"No, I'm just someone who loves you very much and has learned to read you like a book. We're completely honest with each other, that's why we've been together this long. I just wish you could find it to forgive me for the one mistake I did in all that time."

"I do forgive you," he said after a moment. "I just need to learn to trust you again. All that time you spend with Lance doesn't help."

"But you know nothing's going on." I repeated again.

"I know, but think of how it looks, Sam. You spend at least an hour a day with your ex husband. Gay or not, friend or not, you two have a history together, and two kids to show for it."

"Oh," I said.

"Yeah. And to add to that, I know what it's like to be your best friend when you're married to someone else. Lance and I have traded places in life,"

"And you kissed me back then," I added, my eyes wide with realization. "So you think that because you kissed me nine years ago that I'll be unfaithful with Lance?"

He shrugged.

"Joshua Scott Chasez, have I ever given you any reason whatsoever to doubt, I mean seriously doubt my commitment and loyalty to you? In all the time I've known you?"

He shook his head. "No, you're one of the most loyal people I know."

"So what makes you think I would ever cheat on you with my gay ex-husband? Kids and history or no, he doesn't swing my way. He never really did. Everyone can speculate on what went on between the two of us, but when you realize your marriage had been a sham, and your husband had only married you to get you pregnant, you start to doubt yourself. I would know."

"It wasn't a sham, he loved you. He still does."

"If that were true, wouldn't he have just asked me if I would mind being the mother of his kids someday? I probably would have said yes to him if he had just asked."

"You were pretty anti-premarital sex back then," he pointed out. "After Celine and Scottie."

"Could you blame me? I was 19 and had two kids. And if he had asked nicely, I would have said yes. I'd have done anything for him back then." Josh shook his head, agreeing with me. We were quiet for a moment.

"And it's not like there'd have been sex when he was ready to have the kids. He wouldn't have had to of gone through with anything more than what he'd done before."

Josh smirked a little. "Was he that bad or something?"

I spit a mouthful of pool water at him. "No, he wasn't bad. But why go through with it if you don't have to?"

"I don't know."

We stared at each other, unblinking until I broke the spell by blinking. It seemed to shake him out of it as well.

"That felt good," I said.

"Yeah, it did."

"We okay?"

"I think we will be," he said, the first time he had in a few months. I kissed his knee and he ran his fingers over the top of my head and tugged gently on my ponytail.

"We've got some good stuff to talk about next session, at least," I offered a tentative smile and moved away, heading for the ladder to get out.

Josh got up, gathered our clothes and moved to meet me at the end of the pool.