I turned around and looked at the reflection of my butt in the mirror. With a frustrated sigh, I slipped my nightgown back on and climbed into bed. I switched the news on and let it talk quietly in the background while I checked my email. I smiled to myself when there was one from Sandy.

Hey Sam, it was great to hear from you! I'm doing alright. I've been working at a local retail store since we last met. I'm planning on starting my masters this fall, and have interviews at some colleges across the country. I am kind of hoping for a great program and scholarship to one farther west. Less snow and warmer temperatures sounds good right now.

Wow, I can't believe you and JC had another baby! He's adorable too. I can't believe how big they're all getting. What a handful they must be. Give them my best!

Sandy.

I gave a quick reply as Josh entered the bedroom. I sent it and turned the laptop off as he changed into his night shirt and took his pants off. He picked up his book and put his glasses on and spent the next minute or so looking for his place. I watched the news as he read for a little bit.

"What do you love about me?" I asked. Josh looked up from his book and blinked.

"Um....what?"

"What do you love most about me?

Josh stared at me for a long moment before answering. "I don't know. Your sense of humor, I guess."

"My sense of humor," I parroted back in a flat tone. Josh shrugged. "Okay." I said. I turned off the tv and the light on my side of the bed. Checked my alarm and scooted down and moved to lie on my side facing away from him.

I stared at the floor, sleep the last thing on my mind. I listened to Josh as he read for a little bit longer. After a few pages, I gave in and said what was on my mind.

"I don't blame you," I whispered.

"For what?"

"Not finding me attractive anymore." I heard a soft thud, probably him tossing his book back onto his nightstand and felt the bed move as he turned towards me.

"I still find you attractive."

I rolled over to face him and was struck with how handsome he was. He was giving me an intense look, like he was trying to drill a hole into my soul with his eyes. My mind blanked for a second before catching back up. "My boobs sag, I'm getting love handles, the pooch I've had since Harry was born won't go away, and I won't even get started on my butt."

"You will always be attractive to me," Josh said.

"Don't give me that shit," I warned.

"What?"

"Don't go spouting out that bullshit 'I'll always love you' that ends up in your songs. I've been around enough to know you can't possibly promise that."

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth."

"I am."

"No, you're not. You used to sneak glances at me when you thought I wouldn't notice. You don't do that anymore," I respond.

Josh just stared at me.

"See, you can't deny it," I remarked.

"I'm not, I... There's no way to respond to that." He took off his reading glasses and put them back down before facing me again. I watched him silently.

"I love you," he started.

"I don't doubt that," I answered. "Really, I don't." I added as he raised an eyebrow.

"Alright. Don't believe me then," he said after a moment. He reached over and turned the light off before settling down on his side of the bed. I turned to face away from him again. I was just starting to fall asleep when the bed shifted a little and I felt his body against mine.

His breath was hot against my ear as he whispered. "I'm sure you can tell what kind of effect you do have on me."

"Doesn't count, you could have been thinking of anyone," I murmured sleepily.

"Like you don't ever think about anyone else," he hissed. He pulled away and the mattress shifted again as he got up. I opened my eyes half way and looked in his general direction, barely making out his shape in the darkness. His pillow brushed against my back as he picked it up and headed for the door.

"If only you could see yourself as I do, Sam. You're one of the most beautiful people I know. I don't know what's gotten into you tonight, but I hope you figure this out soon." He said as he left the room.

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling for a long time as I worked out what just happened in my mind. I eventually sat up and checked the time- it was nearly one in the morning. I slipped my slippers on and grabbed my robe as I stood up. I padded down to the family room and found Josh stretched out on the couch. I stood next to him for a moment, watching him sleep. His lines erased by the magical effect of sleep, he looked like he was twenty-one again. I leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"I'm sorry and I love you," I whispered.  He shifted a little in his sleep, bringing his hand out from underneath his head to rest on his chest. I watched him for another moment before slipping out of the room. I was still wide awake, so instead of going back to bed, I turned off the alarm and slipped into the backyard and found myself staring up at the dull sky with only the light of the brightest stars making it through the smog. It was one of the things I missed most about Ohio. Looking up at the night sky and actually being able to see it.

I felt a sudden pang of sadness that my children wouldn't have some of the memories I cherished, of spending time outside in the middle of the night just to watch a meteor shower. Another wave of sadness hit hard as I realized it had been over two years since the other person that starred in those memories - my father - had passed. I let the tears come silently as I hugged myself, shivering against a cold that wasn't there.

Finally exhausted after the tears slowed, I returned to bed, glad for the moment that I was too exhausted to think.