A great song can take you back to any given place or time. A simple melody or powerful lyric could trigger a memory, good or bad; taking your mind back to that moment. An incredible song, can take you back to that pain. Feeling every ounce of heartache you felt in that very moment it occurred. When you hear the pain in the way an artist delivers the song, it makes it real, it puts you back there or it intensifies the moment you are already in.

            A soft powerful voice reined through my trailer, pain and all I sang along as loud as I could. "Who am I... to tell you that I love you? And who are you... to tell me that I don't?"

The power in the pain came through with every word. "If leaving would be easy, then go away... Please make this easy and go away... Go Away... I won't try and make you stay."

            Pain was always something I had become accustom to my entire life. This time was no different, except this time it was different. The person I loved for so many years had betrayed me. He had let me down and he was happy with his choices.

"It's enough I let you hurt me." I stopped in the middle of the room, feeling my own pain. My stomach tightened up. "But it's too much... for me to bear the blame."

I covered my mouth, as I did often when I felt the emotion start to take over. "Please make this easy and go away... Go away." I dropped my head, crying tears I didn't think I had left in me. How could I have let him hurt me like this? I made the final decision to leave. I took that final step, why couldn't he have just moved on? Why did he have to hurt me even more?

"Malia."

I gasped, frightened by someone being behind me, turning around I see my so called best friend standing there. I wiped the tears from my face.

"He really hurt you." She said believing the words she was saying.

"Which one?" I asked, attempting to put a dig at her. In reality they both hurt me, just in different ways.

"Is there more than one to hurt you?"

            "According to some people..." I turned back to the table, sitting down to lace up the shoes for the first shot of the day.

"I'm sorry. I screwed up." She admitted.

"Yes. You did." I was cold with her but I wasn't going to let those two words take away everything.

"Is that all you're going to say to me?" She said, irritated.

"Janelle..." I shook my head, I was now irritated. "Why are you here?"

"I can go." She stated.

I rolled my eyes at her choice of words, "Please, let's make this about you... and your feelings."

Her forehead crinkled in frustration, "That's not what I'm trying to do."

"You were my best friend Janelle." I pounded my fist against my chest, "MY FRIEND. And you chose to believe the stories and lies that Aaron had to say."

"I saw you with Justin. I saw the way you looked at each other..."

I interrupted her, "And I told you from day one, nothing had happened. I said that long before anyone else questioned anything. You should have trusted me. You should have believed me, your best friend, over... him."

"I really thought you were embarrassed that you had let it get that far... I thought you had cheated and didn't want me to know."

"Well I didn't. There were some things that maybe I shouldn't have done but I can tell you that Justin and I had many chances to make that a reality but we didn't let it happen."

"And now?" She asked.

"Now, what?" I hissed back to her.

A smiled waved over her face, "What's the deal with Justin now?"

"Nothing." I rolled my eyes turning away from her. I didn't trust her enough to tell her anything.

"Okay." She lowered her head, upset by my sternness with her. The awkward silence that followed my response was short lived when Hillary came in to tell me that everyone on set was ready for me. "Malia... I ... I'm really sorry. You can trust me. I need you to know that."

I opened the door and breathed in the warm air of the rare clear day in Seattle, turning back I say words that hurt even myself, "I don't trust anyone."

            The set full of lights and people made it a little easier to get through the day. There was too much going on to have time to dwell on the issues of my life. Photo after photo, I let go of the anger I had for Janelle. I didn't want to be mad at her; I didn't want to be angry with anyone. I only wanted to be angry at myself.

            Shot after shot led to a long morning, into the afternoon and right up to the time I had to be at soundcheck. Within the moments I had alone in that room, every emotion came rushing back. I couldn't pull myself together. The fans could see it all over my face, everyone around me could see the pain in my eyes.

            I took to that stage and gave it all I had. Pretending to be happy-go lucky and enjoying everything around me was difficult, but it was not an option for me to fail those fans. Lyrics that have never bothered me before were rough to get through and familiar faces in the crowd, that turned out to be someone I actually didn't know stops you in your tracks. I looked out over that audience and I could swear I saw Aaron's face staring back at me. Then when I saw the face of Justin and my mother, I knew it was all an illusion. I was hoping to see someone that was familiar. Hoping to see just a familiar face in the crowd.

            I gripped the mic around my hand, leaning in, feeling a pit in my stomach wave a different feeling over my body. A song that never bothered me this way before was suddenly the hardest of them all.

 "Time... Is going by... so fast. And I... can't do anything about it... I've... been holdin' on so long... Its time... that I can do without it..." Holding back the tears and an emotional breakdown I continued. "Everything comes and goes... Always the last to know... And I can see the sun come up...  Another day..."

"You... were looking for some fun... And I... was asking for a heartache... I... should turn my head and run Or I... could learn it all the hard way" The crowd listened intently like they had never heard the song before, "Everything comes and goes... Always the last to know... And I can see the sun come up..." my voice broke and my head dropped to the floor. Even with ten thousand people surrounding me, I was defeated. Slowly I started to finish the last two words of the song. " A...not...her day..."

These were my words, why couldn't I listen to them? Why couldn't I simply pick myself up and be okay again?

Just then the entire audience started chanting, "WE LOVE YOU!" Those simple words made the water build up in my eyes, rolling over my eyelids and streaming down the sides of my face. Looking up at the faces that seemed to be trying to pull me back to them, I whispered, ‘Thank You' into the microphone.

A girl in a few rows back, about my age screams, "Stay Strong Girl!"

            It was those simple things that were going to pull me through this. It wasn't going to happen overnight but I was hopefully, going to overcome all of this.

            I felt defeated. I had let this so called ‘man' in my life destroy my every emotion. He didn't deserve that right or privilege. I shouldn't be angry at anyone, except myself. I let this happen. I let all of it happen.

Another quiet lonely hotel room, in another random city, with another long night of crying tears into the pillow of my expensive hotel room awaited me. I didn't want to spend any more time at the venue, I knew I would eventually break down and I didn't want anyone to see that side of me. But the absolute last thing I wanted was to be alone.

I swung the door open revealing just what I thought I would see. A cold, dark, empty hotel room. Curling up into a ball against the cold sheets and was forcefully trying to get myself to fall asleep was more difficult than I originally imagined. Even if it was just an hour, I could at least have enough energy to get through the next day.

Knock Knock

            I ignored it the first time, thinking it was my illusions getting the best of me again. It was nearly three in the morning but it's not like I was sleeping by any means. The second time I heard a light knock on the door, I climbed up, heading for the door. The mirror revealed the dark circles under my eyes. I wiped the mascara and eyeliner that had run from the tears.
How did I let myself become this person?  I thought reaching for the door.

 On the other side, stood Justin.

I felt the walls of my heart, crashing and burning, yet again. He was probably the only person I wanted to see in the world, but I didn't want to see him.

I looked into his eyes, tired and distraught. I shook my head no, closing the door with him remaining on the other side.

"MALIA." Justin snapped as he stopped the door from closing. He stormed across the hotel room, slamming the door behind him. "I just flew from one airport to another to get here. Four airport delays later and you slam the door in my face?"

I tucked my knees up to my chest, sitting in the window seat overlooking the Seattle skyline, sobbing into my hands.

"Malia, what the hell is going on?" He bent down to my level, taking my hands away from my face. "Are you going to talk to me, or should I just leave?"

I looked up at him and said the one thing I didn't really mean to say, "Leave. I've made it this far without anyone... I think I can make it one more night."

He was shocked and stunned speechless by my words. He climbed slowly to his feet. "I didn't fly a thousand miles for... throwing my schedule off completely for nothing... I'm here."

"I didn't ask you to fly a thousand miles... and ruin your fucking schedule. You could have just picked up the phone and called me back. But I understand how difficult that could have been for you." I climbed onto my wobbly feet, across the room, and into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.

As flustered and upset as I was, I forgot to lock the door. He walks in, bending down in front of me sitting on the side of the bath tub. "I'm sorry. Can we start all over again?"

"There's nothing to start over."

"Malia." He takes his hand into mine. "What's happened? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on."

Instead of dealing with the issue at hand, I lean in and kiss his beautiful lips that were almost at a pucker. I slowly kissed him, taking each moment I could to devour the taste of him, the feeling of his mouth attached to mine. Slowly we both rise to our feet; I wrapped my hands around his head, twisting his short curls into my between my fingers. I reach for my shirt, pulling it over my head, returning to taking on his glorious lips, trailing my lips down his neck before returning to his lips. I reach for his belt buckle, "Malia..." his words trailing off as my hands begin to pull at his jeans. "No." He said firmly, pulling my hands away from his jeans.

The knife that was inserted into my heart had just turned a couple times, causing the pain to intensify. He didn't want me. Tears start to stream down my face. I turned away, feeling like I was naked in a room full of people and not just a man who had seen me many times unclothed.

He grabbed my wrist firmly, "I'm not here for sex."

"Then why did you come?" I threw my hands up into the air frustrated.

He takes my hand and pulls me over to the bed. "Sit." I followed his instructions, climbing onto the bed. "Now, talk to me." He caressed the side curve of my hand between my thumb and pointer finger. "Talk to me..."

He was so genuine and so sweet. Why on earth couldn't he have been this person when I needed someone the last couple days? Why couldn't I have had this version of Justin to pull be back to the surface? "My world has fallen apart. Everyone around me has let me down." I lowered my head at the truth that just rained out of my lungs.

He placed his hand over his heart, "I have... let you down?"

The tears continued to roll down my face. I was sure I didn't have any left in me.

"I'm sorry... I don't know what I have done... but the last thing I would want is for you to feel like I have let you down."

"All I needed was for you to call me. I needed to hear that it was going to be ok. I need to know that the world that I knew it wasn't crashing around me. But that was eminent."

"I'm so sorry. I swear. I... I..." Justin fumbled with his words; he with all honesty didn't know what had happened or what he was going to do to fix the situation at hand.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I understand. It's not my place to be upset you didn't return a phone call anyways."

"You have every right to that... my phone was in my luggage... in Brazil."

I was confused, "I thought you were in Honolulu?" Panic began to set in again. This game was tearing what was left of my heart into pieces.

"I was. My luggage however didn't take the same trip I did." He griped his hand with mine, intertwining his fingers, "I still don't have my luggage or my phone."

There was still something I didn't believe with his words. Logically, it didn't make sense. "Why would you put your phone in your luggage?"

"I wasn't thinking correctly. I was... I had a million on my mind and I ended up taking an earlier flight and when I threw everything in the suitcase it included my phone." He reached up to wipe the tears that were still continuing to stream down the side of my face. "You're breaking my heart. I need you to not cry anymore." His long fingers were wrapped around the side of my face, he was caressing in a comforting manner. He was doing everything I would want him to be doing. But the broken part of my heart couldn't put the events together again.

Slowly I began to explain to Justin what has happened in the time he has been distant from the world. A few days felt like it had been an eternity. Even though it was a Hollywood scandal, it was still my real life involved. I still had to deal with this and deal with it in a very public manner. No one wants the world to know your dirty laundry.

Eventually crawling into bed, we lay looking at each other. I could look into those blue eyes all night and never fall asleep. He was tired, I could see it but he was stubborn and laid there asking me questions, comforting me in a way no one has ever cared to do before.

He rubbed the side of my face, around the dark circles that I couldn't seem to get rid of. "You're losing sleep over this..."

I chuckled to myself, mumbling, "It's not like I lose sleep, it's like I don't sleep at all."

"You can't do this to yourself. I'm here if you need me. I need you to know that."

"I know I shouldn't but it doesn't take away from the constant worry and stress." He pulled me in closer to him; I rested my head in the curve of his neck.

"You could let me be there for you. You could let me be someone you need."

I felt the cold chills run over my entire body. "I want that... but..."

He pulled back, releasing my head to the pillow. Frustrated he slams his head back on the pillow, staring at the ceiling. "I don't know what you want me to do anymore Malia. You said you don't want to be in a relationship, you say you need alone time... but your actions tell me otherwise. Your lonely, I try to be there, I really do but I can't keep jumping ships when it's convenient for you."

I sat up slowly, replaying his words in my head. "That's not what I'm doing... I swear... if I am... I'm sorry. It's not what my intentions are."

"What are you intentions then? What is going on in your head? Hell, what's going on in your heart."

Trying to be clever I said, "I think I'm broken."

Silence became the worst sound of all.

"Justin?" I asked thinking he fell asleep, or was now just scared as hell that he had gotten involved with someone this fucked up.

"I think..." his words suspend the silence. "...you are broken."

I didn't realize how a joke on my part could have been such honest words. It may have been the most honest admission, I could have made. The words hurt, but they were full of truth.

"I know your games... I've played them myself too many times." He pulled my face into his continuing his speech, "Let me be there for you. Even if it's from a distance... let me try to be there for you." He kissed my cheek lightly, "Just let me be the friend you need." He pulled my body back onto the bed, resting his head on my chest listening to the sound of my heart beat. "Just let me try to be there for you."

It was quiet again, but this time I felt at ease in his arms. I felt like he could protect me from the world, if I could just let him. That may be the toughest task of all. "You know..." I whispered, "I can't remember the last time I laid in his arms and felt warmth or comforted..." I shook my head, trying to remember, "Hell, I can't even remember the last time I laid in his arms."

"You deserve happiness. You made the right decision, you know that right."

I nodded my head agreeing with him.

"Sleep." He pulled me in tighter, making the grip around my body even tighter, "I'm right here, sleep..."

Within moments I was fast asleep in his arms.