Chapter 9
"Recurring messages of badness
Recurring living bad dreams at the vortex of lost souls
Wailing lost souls of shame
We are in one hole
Like a cup of mercury phosphate
Brrr
Shuddering around
Taste my shit you wench
Lifting, wailing lost souls who stand a chance
Hot, my eyes darkly gaze and wonder
Do not enter" - "Spaced" by the Smashing Pumpkins
Paige sat silently in her seat, hoping that the plane would quickly take off, hurrying her of to her destination. She’d always been afraid of planes, something about someone else having control over her life irked her. Being so helpless, so high up in the air was not how she wanted to die.
Closing her eyes, she slumped back in her chair, trying to eliminate the thoughts of catastrophe from her mind. In the chaotic state her mind was in, she just needed a few moments of peace to distract her from everything. It was enough having Justin to deal with but now JC was coming into her life and shaking everything up. Slowly, it was just becoming too much for her to handle. Paige feared that the added stress would drive her to the edge.
Who was telling the truth? What was real? So many questions were dizzying her, forcing her to fall deeper into oblivion. In the end, she wanted to believe Justin, but there was so much proof against him, so much testimony which pointed towards him as the bad guy.
Was he or wasn’t he? That question seemed to be taking over her entire life. Maybe he actually was taking over her entire life. She tried to force the thoughts from her mind and focus on some sort of positive. In the end though, she only had her work to keep her sane. It was probably all for the best, less distractions and more time for me to focus and inevitably find some sort of happiness besides work.
Closing her eyes and sipping on her glass of white zinfandel, she reflected on what occurred before she set foot on the airplane. The conversation that was a major turning point in her life.
**
“How are you just picking up and leaving?” Ryan paced across the room. He was never one to show any emotions, but now at the thought of Paige taking a trip for work, he was slowly showing signs of irritation. “You don’t even need to do this book, Paige. I have the money to take care of us both. Just quit.”
Paige sat still on the recliner, allowing Ryan’s words to penetrate her. She knew that it was only a matter of time before he’d tell her to give up her job. Tears threatened to roll down her face but she held them back. Crying would only make her look like a child that Ryan wanted to treat her as. She was an adult woman and this was her life to live, not his to dictate for her.
“I enjoy writing, Ryan. I like doing this work.” She barely managed to squeak out. Her voice threatened to crack, as she sat quietly, beginning to slightly tremble. Paige wanted a family, but she didn’t want to give up her career to obtain it?
“But it’s dangerous. Don’t you see how this fucking story is corrupting your life? Everything you wanted was pushed aside and you’re only focus is on the story and Justin Timberlake. You’re obsessed.” Ryan’s movements led him to stand directly in front of Paige, staring at her straight in the eyes. He desperately was trying to get through to her, but it seemed like the more he spoke, the more distance grew. “Paige, this isn’t healthy for you.”
“Maybe everything you think I want really isn’t the truth.” Her words came out so freely, she hadn’t meant to be so brutally honest. The tension of the moment just proved that the words she so secretly wanted to blurt out for so long held nothing but the truth. “Maybe you don’t bother to listen to anything I want?! You’re so involved in your perfect life that you don’t realize that I love writing more than anything and I want to continue with it!”
Ryan stared dumbfounded at his fiancé. These words that were coming out of her mouth had never occurred to him. He loved Paige, how could he have been so blind towards her feelings? He had only wanted the best; maybe the best wasn’t something they both agreed on.
“So what are you saying is that you’ve been unhappy for a while now and instead of being mature about it and talking to me, you kept it to yourself. That’s not how problems are solved!”
“You’ve got one thing right Ryan, I’m immature. I’m twenty fucking two years old, I’m not supposed to know how to react in every situation, but my silence should go to show you that I put YOUR happiness before my own. I can’t do that anymore.” Paige covered her face with her hands. Her stomach was in knots, mostly because she knew that this argument wasn’t going to end in a positive way. Deep down inside, she didn’t want it to.
This wasn’t how she wanted things to be, but she couldn’t live a lie anymore. As much as her happily ever after meant to her, it wasn’t worth giving up her childhood dream. Her happily ever after included writing and nothing less. Why was this so hard?
“Alright then Paige, tell me, what do you want?” Ryan took a seat so he was at eye level with the brunette woman. She had been refusing to meet his gaze until now, when she was forced with no alternative.
“I… I think that maybe we should…”
Holding her breath, she prayed for the courage to speak the words that she longed to say. Her freedom was right around the corner, it was just a matter of how she was going to go about getting it. After all, she wasn’t a heartless bitch, she did love Ryan in some way, but pure love wasn’t enough to get through life.
Taking a deep breath Paige spoke the line that would forever change her life. “… maybe we just need some time apart.”
**
She had replayed what happened with Ryan countless times, trying to come to terms with what happened. Nothing had been set in stone for the couple, but Ryan was moving his belongings out of the apartment they once shared. It was just breathing room for Paige, something she truly needed.
Standing out the window of her taxi, Paige knew she probably wouldn’t get a chance to enjoy the beauty that beheld Chicago. This business trip was for one purpose only, to meet and interview Juan “Trace” Ayala. What she would find out, Paige wasn’t certain, but she hoped that maybe his testimony would be reasonable.
Obviously it was just wishful thinking in the end. Someone who was in a mental institution probably couldn’t reason. Whatever the case, she had to follow up on Justin’s testimony; it was the only way she could find out if he had been telling the truth all along.
The thoughts were overwhelming her; desperately Paige tried to take her mind off things, trying to find some solace in the empty moment. Every song she listened to brought her back to memories of her innumerable stresses. Would she live up to everyone’s expectations or just fail?
She just wanted to live up to her own expectations. Why couldn’t life just be that simple?
“Excuse me… Miss?” The taxi driver had been waiting stopped the car for sometime, Paige had been oblivious to it all. She silently vowed that when this was all over, she was heading to an island for as long as it took her to relax.
“Oh… I’m sorry.” She half smiled at the man and handed him a few crumbled up bills and quietly exited the automobile.
She had to gather up her bearings before she could enter the facility. Her heart was racing at the thought of her slight belief in Justin to have been meaningless. Her warped mind couldn’t handle anymore lies and betrayals. Once and for all, the truth had to come out for all affected to know.
“Breathe in… breathe out.” Paige instructed herself. She didn’t smoke but she suddenly craved a cigarette. The toxic smoke would definitely calm her nerves, sending a rush of nicotine straight to her brain.
A rush, that’s what she needed to get through with the next couple of weeks. So much tension was building. First, it was the messed up on goings with Justin, who was going to stop at nothing to get her. Maybe Paige didn’t want him to stop, but that wasn’t the main problem at hand. Secondly, she was feeling lost about what exactly she was doing. No one seemed to be telling her that she was doing anything right. There was just no direction for her, she had been tossed into a different world than what she was used to. It was beyond frightening.
The worst part of all was that nothing seemed to add up. The stories were muddled, making Paige unable to see the truth. It could have been possible that her personal feelings were getting in the way, not allowing her to see what was real. She just knew she was as lost as ever.
“I’m here to see Mr. Ayala.” She hadn’t even realized that she was at the front desk, staring at the security guard intently. Paige was just more certain that she was going to be committed after this story was written. How could she just be so robotic in her actions?
“Okay, you’re just going to need to show me some identification and sign this book.” The older security guard smiled warmly at the young woman. “After that you can head down the hall to your left, and go right into the Nurses Station. They’ll be able to take you directly to him.”
Paige sent a nervous smile to the security guard and walked away. To say the least, this was going to be very interesting.
**
Tapping her fingers against the white table, Paige waited for Trace to come into the visiting room. Her eyes slightly drooped due to how horribly jet lagged she was. The wine she had drank wasn’t helping to keep her awake either. Letting out a sigh, she knew that this was going to be a long interview process.
“Who the fuck is this bitch? Why the fuck do I have to talk to her? Is anyone fucking listening to me?!”
She looked up and stared right at the short man entering the room with two male attendants at his side. Trace stared menacingly at the two men who said nothing in return to him. Smugly they turned and left Trace in the room, which in turn led him to scream and kick a nearby chair across the room.
“Oh my God… Is everyone somehow related to Hollywood fucking crazy?” Paige thought, shaking her head slightly at the on goings before her. Everyone she was coming in contact lately was fucked up in some way. Hopefully it wouldn’t rub off on her.
“Bitch what are you looking at?!” The 5’6” man yelled at Paige suddenly. “Tell me who the FUCK you are right NOW!”
“I’m Paige Harper… I’m writing Justin’s biography… I ju-“
“SHUT UP! I’m not doing any fucking press until I’m promised that I can get the fuck out of here!”
Wanting to laugh at the almost exact portrayal of Jay from Jay and Silent Bob, Paige desperately tried to wipe the smile off her face. It was really not good to make a crazy man angry, that was hard to do, especially when she was picturing Justin dressed up like Silent Bob.
“Trace… I don’t know if that can be done…”
“Listen pumpkin tits, anything can be done. You find a fucking way to make it happen. Get different doctors here that aren’t being bought. God, you probably don’t even know what the FUCK I’m talking about.” Trace covered his face with his hands. “Just add another paranoia check to the list of the shit they’re accusing me of.”
“So it’s true then… JC and Lance are making you seem like you’re crazy?”
“Uh no shit. Do I really seem like I’m crazy to you?”
Again, she tried not to laugh and scream out YES. God, all these people really could have fooled her in the lack of sanity department. Paige just shook her head no, doing her best to keep her composer. Now for the hard part of it all, how exactly could she get Trace out of this Mental Health facility? Biting her lip nervously at the thought, Paige tried to think of a way to change his mind.
“Trace… I really don’t know if it’s possible for me to get you out of here. I’ve checked your record and it seems like there is a lot of testimony that proves that you aren’t well…”
“That’s where you come in. You find a random doctor and you privately have him fucking check me out. If there’s a shadow of a doubt they can’t fucking keep me in here… Okay?! So fucking get out of here and get to work!”
Paige was so fucked.
