"Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and your best look

You're praying that you make it...

Well all I need is the air I breathe

And a place to rest my head..."

Song & Lyrics: "Say"-One Republic Brown, Andrew; Kutzle, Brent; Filkins, Zack; Fisher, Eddie; Tedder, Ryan

I couldn't sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was her and the tears that I'd caused her to cry again.

It was taking the already broken pieces of my heart and shattering them into even smaller bits.

I tried to take a hot shower, hoping the steam would make me drowsy; it didn't.

I tried to put lyrics down on paper to get out the feelings I was experiencing; they were shit. They didn't even come close to capturing what was really going through my head, just a mass of jumbled words that didn't make sense.

I thought about cleaning up the mess I'd made downstairs but couldn't bring myself to face that it had actually happened; that I'd actually gotten angry enough to destroy things in my living room. Angry enough to break the piano bench.

With that thought I punched the pillow next to me. Repeatedly. It was giving me a way to release some of my anger without further destroying the rest of the belongings in my house. Where was it when I needed it earlier?

My fist slammed into it one last time and the fabric of the pillow tore apart, down feathers bursting out and coating my bed in them.

Fucking great.

I sat and stared at them angrily, hoping that they'd somehow get the idea and clean themselves off of my bed. They didn't.

The idea of seeing a shrink crept back into my head again, because it was becoming painfully clear to me that I was no longer in control of myself. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Plus, if I did that, maybe the doc would give me something to help with my mood. After tonight, I could safely say that I was in desperate need of some anti-depressants.

But did I really need a doctor to give them to me? This was LA, I'm sure with a little extra money waved in front of someone's face they'd give it to me without a prescription.

I shook my head. What the fuck was my life coming to that I was entertaining thoughts like this.

With one last look at the feathers strewn about my bed, I grabbed the pillow that was still intact and left the room, shuffling slowly down the hall and into one of the other three unoccupied bedrooms I had.

I cursed when I realized that I'd have to put sheets on the bed. No one had slept in any of my guest bedrooms in forever. I grabbed sheets out of the linen closet and trudged back into the room, dropping them onto the bed with a huff.

Screw making the bed up. I can just sleep on top of the comforter. I'm too exhausted right now to go through the motions.

I crawled in and laid back, my arms curled behind my head. I was uncomfortable. The weight I felt on my chest as I thought back over the events of the night seemed to press me further into the bed making it hard to breathe.

I swallowed harshly over the lump in my throat and willed myself to drag in a deep breath. I panicked when my lungs didn't want to aid me in getting my heart rate under control. The last thing I needed to have tonight was a panic attack.

But it was coming.

My thoughts grew hazy, my eyes blurring the image of the ceiling fan spinning above me into nothing more than a streak of black going round and round in circles. I tried to follow the oscillations but the only thing that was proving to do was make me go dizzy.

Concentrating on evening out my breathing pattern was proving to be even more impossible. The room spun as I sucked in another breath, gasping and choking when the next didn't come easily. I felt like my heart was about to ricochet out of my chest and I reached down and tore at the white tank I was wearing in an effort to remove any of the pressure I felt bearing down on me. The tank was soaked with my sweat and when I ran my hands up over my neck and face I felt the wetness from tears that I didn't even know I had been crying.

My throat closed up as I dragged in another breath and then everything was black.

*

To say I was sore when I woke up the next morning was an understatement. Every single muscle was protesting my stretching and I wobbled on my feet a bit when I stood up from the bed.

Fuck I hated panic attacks. And the one last night had been an epic one.

I knew I was going to be utterly useless today. No gym for me.

When I got downstairs and saw the mess still there I growled and moved past it into the kitchen, searching for something to eat.

What time was it anyway?

A quick look at the clock told me it was almost 2pm. Jayce would be showing up here soon. I didn't want to see him. Fucking traitor. What kind of best friend doesn't tell you when the love of your life is involved with someone else?

Opening my fridge I had the realization that I'd left all of my groceries in my trunk last night. With all the frozen and refrigerated stuff.

Shit. This day was getting better and better.

Venturing out into the garage I retrieved the bags and began to unload them when I got back inside. Well, at least the dry goods were salvageable but that still left me with spoiled milk and cheese and meat. Awesome.

I'd have to make another trip to the grocery store. But not today. My body was screaming at me with every step I took. And I could only imagine how hoarse I was. No use recording today.

Searching the house for my cell, I decided that I'd just text JC and tell him that I didn't need him today.

I walked back out into the living room and surveyed the damage and took to finding a broom so I could at least clean up the broken pieces of glass on the floor.

My phone went off minutes later with a text from JC informing me that he was pulling into my driveway.

So much for not having to see him today. I was mad at him. And embarrassed that he was going to see my place in the state that it was.

When he knocked on my door, I realized that I didn't have a choice. Besides, he'd seen me in worse shape than I was now.

I relaxed the set of my jaw and opened the door to let him in.

"Hey." I said gruffly.

"What's up?" he asked with a smile, his eyes crinkling.

"Nothing. Didn't know you were coming." I told him, closing and locking the door behind him.

"Guess I shoulda called beforehand. Sorry." I waved him off and headed into the living room. I heard his footsteps behind me as he followed me further into the house and turned to face him when they stopped.

"Do I even want to know what happened in here, J?" he asked me, his eyebrows knitted together in worry.

I really hadn't gotten things cleaned up. I'd managed to sweep up all the glass into a pile out of the way of where I usually walked. And I'd propped the broken pieces of wood from the piano bench against the wall. But the sheet music was still strewn about the entire room, the coffee table still on its side.

I shook my head. "No."     

With another look around the room and a sigh, he turned back to me. "Well, are you ready to go record?"

"Not until you explain to me why you decided to leave out the small bit of information that Madi was involved with someone." I said accusingly, wincing at the hoarse sound of my voice. Last night's panic attack had really done a number on me.

He shuffled his feet nervously, avoiding my eyes. "Well..." he began, scratching at his neck. "I uh...I knew that she had just started seeing someone." He confessed.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Get out." I growled.

"Justin..."

"I'm serious. Get the fuck out of my house." I warned.        

JC stood his ground. "No. I'm not letting you get pissed off at me again and stop talking to me. And I'm not going to leave and let you sink back into your hole. What kind of friend would I be if I let you do that?"

"The kind of friend who didn't tell his best friend that the girl he loved was in love with someone else."

JC's face fell. "Honestly, I didn't know that it was serious. If I had known, you know I would've told you. But I really thought that she would've dropped him in an instant for you. She had been so miserable without you."

"Jayce, seriously. I can't deal with this right now. Just...get out. I'll call you later. I'm in no shape to record today anyway."

He sighed. "Justin, you shouldn't be..."

"I'm fine. I just need some time to cool off and clear my head. Promise I'll give you a call once I do."

"I'm just worried about you."

I felt the corner of my lip tug upwards into a smile. Even though he had failed to mention anything to me about Madison and the other guy, I couldn't hate him for showing how much he really did care.

"Jayce...I appreciate the concern but..."

He gave me a broken smile before turning on his heel to head towards the door.

"Well, I guess I'll uhh, talk to you later, then?" he said, absently scratching across his stomach.

I nodded, following him out. "Sorry you came here for nothing." I called out when he was out on my stoop.

"No big. You need me to drop you any food?" he questioned.

"No, but thanks for the offer. I'm going to head to the grocery store here in a few I think. Call you later, dude."

He waved and walked to his car, honking the horn at me as he backed out.

When I closed the door after he left I let out a huge sigh of relief and slumped against it. I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally...I just needed to shut down for a few days.

*

Days went by.

Don't ask how many cause I lost track after seeing the sun rise three mornings in a row.

Sleep was coming. But in short intervals. And it was always restless. And I was always dreaming of Madison. Or I was seeing what my living room had looked like after I destroyed it. Or I was dreaming in third person, viewing my life as if I was looking at it from up above, merely a spectator. Sometimes it was real life stuff, sometimes scenarios that my mind liked to conjure up to tease me about what my life could've been like if I had stopped Madison from leaving me.

I liked those dreams. They were the ones I never wanted to wake up from. Those dreams were all sunshine and bright lights and happiness. Waking up from them only caused my moods to be worse than what I had come to expect on a normal day.

I blinked my eyes and oriented myself. This time I had fallen asleep on the couch in the movie room. Rarely did I ever sleep in my own bed. The feathers were still there. And I was still thinking that they'd magically disappear. I knew they wouldn't...it was just easier to pretend.

With a stretch, I got up off of the couch and went into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of milk and a slice of leftover pizza before heading over to the piano. I sunk down onto the (new) piano bench, (I had one delivered a few days ago), and looked around at the mess of papers sitting in front of me, trying to make sense of what I had been doing before I took a break a few hours earlier. I was getting a lot of song writing done from all of this. I guess that was a positive. The only positive really.

If this record ever got put out, it was going to be the most personal one yet, that was for sure.

Reading over the lyrics in front of me, I shuddered at the idea of sharing all of this with the world.

Maybe I should just keep some of it for me.

I had made the decision that I'd see if I could work things out on my own before I resorted to having to depend on drugs to keep my mind stable. Writing and singing or screaming out my aggression and depression was my personal form of therapy at the moment.

So far so good, I'd say. I hadn't broken anything or thrown anything or punched anything since the pillow that first night.

JC had been calling nonstop after I'd thrown him out that day.

My mom had been calling nonstop.

Finally I had gotten so tired of the phone calls that I took my house phone off the hook and shut my cell phone off.

I'm pretty sure that either JC or my mom is going to show up at the house soon thinking that I'm dead.

I might as well be. It has to be better than this pain that I'm feeling right now; this constant 500 ton weight that's crushing my chest. And it may sound weird but...I'm grateful that I can feel it this time. No matter how much it hurts.

With a heavy sigh I propped my arms on top of the piano and dropped my head against them, trying to clear my head. Focusing was hard today. The dreams I'd had last night felt way too real and when I woke up the longing and loneliness I felt weighed me down more so than usual. I was fighting myself to just go back to sleep, hoping to slip back into the unconscious state I'd been in and return to my dreams.

I didn't even want to move. My body was achy from the workouts I'd been doing the past few days, and from pushing it way past its limit. If I didn't move though, my back was going to be in more pain than the rest of my body.

Pushing back from the piano, I stood and went to the couch, dropping down onto it heavily. The second I was in a comfortable position, I was out.

*

The chiming of my doorbell startled me out of the trance I was in and I waited until it rang again to move. I sauntered to the door and threw it open casually, a light smile tugging on my lips when it opened and revealed who was standing behind it.

"Well hey." She greeted softly, a grin spread across her face.

"Hey yourself. What are you doing here?" I questioned, stepping aside to let her in. She bent to pick up the paper sack beside her and came inside. "Well, I figured that you probably didn't have much food in your place since you just got back from tour so, I come bearing gifts!" she beamed.

I tugged on the hand that was free and pulled her into the kitchen and helped her drop the bag onto the counter.

"You're present enough." I told her, planting a kiss on her forehead. When I pulled away she stretched up on her tiptoes to peck my lips. I licked them after, tasting the vanilla flavored lip gloss that she always wore.

"Cute." She responded, digging into the paper bag. "But you need to eat."

"Can't I just eat you?" I asked playfully, tugging on her ponytail. She glanced over her shoulder at me and winked. "Maybe later, superstar."

I groaned. "Ok, so what'd you bring me?" I asked, peering into the bag. She shrugged. "Enough for dinner tonight and breakfast in the morning. I figured we could go to the store tomorrow and buy you real food but, this will tide you over ‘til then."

She unloaded the bag, placing a package of steaks onto the counter first, followed by fixings for a salad, and potatoes. The milk and box of apple jacks she set out next made me smile even bigger. This girl knew me way too well and we'd only been dating a short time. "I figured you had wine here so I didn't bother to buy any."

"Dessert?" I questioned with an eyebrow raise. With a saucy grin, she dumped a bag of peaches out of the bag. "I know you've got your grandma's recipe for peach cobbler around here somewhere."

All I could do was stare at her in amazement. "You're outta this world, Madi."

"Except I'm not green, right?" she interjected.

I scrunched my nose up at her and glared. "Har har. I'm never gonna live that lyric down, am I?" I questioned, tickling her sides. In turn, she poked me in the stomach. "I think it's cute. I like your cheesy side."

I smiled down at her, locking my arms around her waist. "Good thing or we'd never work out. Now, if you're serious, let me see if I can track down that recipe. You musta known that I had a craving for that the other day."

"You mentioned it a while back that you hadn't had it in a while. It may not come out just like granny's but...I figure it's worth a shot." She spun out of my arms and began rummaging around in the kitchen to get dinner started.

I leaned against the counter and just observed her as she went to work, making herself at home in my kitchen. It wasn't the first time that she'd done it. And I hoped it wouldn't be the last. "Hey, I could grill those steaks outside, if you want." I spoke up, retrieving a steak rub from the pantry. She looked up at me from the cutting board in front of her and smiled, her eyes sparkling.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of its cavity. "That'd be great. You sure you're not too tired. You could just pour yourself a glass of wine and relax. I don't mind."

I returned her smile and bumped my hip against hers. "No problem. I'll go get the grill heated up."

Later that night as we were enjoying our second bottle of wine, lazing on the couch with her tucked up against my side, I decided that if every night of my life was like this, I would be insanely happy.

*

I awoke with a start and jolted up from my position on the couch, looking around and realizing that the sun was setting.

Another wasted day. And another dream that felt entirely too real. Only that dream had been real once upon a time. And the last thought that had gone through my mind before I woke up about being insanely happy with just a normal life made me mad.

What had changed between that night and when I had decided that I wasn't happy with being normal? If I could figure that out, maybe I could figure out how to change things.

But first things first. I needed to get out of LA. And away from everything that reminded me Madison and the past. I needed to hideaway somewhere that wasn't LA.

I jumped up from the couch and went in search of my laptop, logging on and booking the first flight out of LA that I could. I needed to make a phone call before I packed though.

I went into my room and sat on the edge of the bed, ignoring the feathers that were still there.

She picked up on the first ring.

"Hey mom." I said quietly.

"JUSTIN!" she said loudly, and I winced at the sound and pulled the phone away from my ear.

"I'm coming home for a bit. Is that ok?" I asked, my head hanging down as I sat hunched over on the bed.

"I'm so glad that you called! I was so worried about you! I haven't heard from you in almost two weeks! And I spoke with JC a few days ago-"

"Mom..."

"-and he said he hasn't heard from you since last Wednesday!"

Shit. Had it really been that long?

"I know. Just dealing with some stuff. Is it ok if I come home for a bit?" I asked.

 "Of course it is! Why would you even have to ask that?" she said excitedly. I hadn't seen her in forever and a trip home to Memphis was about as far from LA as I could get.

"I just...wanted to be sure. I need to hide away for a while." I told her.

"But honey, that's what you've been doing for the past three years. What happened?" she questioned worriedly.

"I don't want to talk about it right now. I'll fill you in as much as I can when I get there. I need to get out of LA and hide away. I can't be here right now." I replied, getting up off the bed and going into the closet to retrieve my luggage so that I could begin packing. My plane was taking off in 4 hours.

"Well you just let me know when you're coming baby and I'll make sure that I clear my schedule."

"Better do it now. I'm hopping on a flight out tonight." I said, grabbing a few pairs of my WR jeans and tossing them into my bag.

"That soon? Justin, you're worrying me. Are you sure everything is ok?"

"No." I said with a sigh, staring down at the floor, memorizing the swirls in the hard wood panels.

"Is it your music?" she asked.

"No. My music is fine. I'm definitely not lacking inspiration right now." I scoffed.

"You and JC get in a fight?"

"We're good." For the most part. But she didn't need to know that. One less thing for her to question me about right now.

"Well then what-oh. Did you try to talk to Madison?" Suddenly coming to the realization of my problem.

"Mom, seriously. I don't want to talk about this right now. My state of mind isn't the greatest at the moment and I'd rather get on the plane with a clear head then in an angry haze."

She sighed. "Alright. Promise we'll talk when you get here, though? I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

Throwing a few pairs of socks and undershirts into the bag, I went over what else I needed to pack.

"Yeah mom. I promise. I'm gonna finish packing. My flight gets in at 12:35. You think you can pick me up?" I ventured into the bathroom and started to pack up my bath stuff before realizing that I had most of that stuff at my mom's house already.

"Sure. Just call me when you push back there. Try to relax baby. I'll see you soon! I love you."

"Love you too." I replied, shutting off the phone.

I finished packing up my clothes and went downstairs to gather up my music and my laptop, packing them into my carryon. My stomach growled at me but I could get something at the airport after I got checked in.

With one last glance around the house and a quick check that I had everything I needed, I set the alarm for the house and loaded my stuff into the car.

As I backed out of the driveway I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding and instantly felt some of the pressure relieved from my chest.

Maybe all it was going to take for me to get better was a change of scenery and pace. I could only hope.