"You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go.

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head.

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur.

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door"

Song: "You Could Be Happy" -Snow Patrol

I felt like my whole world was about to spiral out of control with those four words. They were the last thing I had been expecting to hear her say.

My legs felt weak-like they were going to give way from under me at any moment. And the air that I was breathing in was heavy and I felt like I was being suffocated with each intake.

There was no way she was serious. But all the signs that she was were showing on her face. Worry lines were etched across her forehead as she looked at me, waiting for my reaction.

I wasn't sure I had one. My head was blank and I was speechless. In my quest to get myself back on track I'd never once considered the possibility that she'd moved on to someone else. It was impossible for me to fathom since she was the only woman I could see. I was blind to everyone else. The minute that she'd come into my life I knew that there was no one else out there for me but her. I only assumed that she felt the same.

Guess I was wrong.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other.

She still stood there staring at me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"J...say something?" she pleaded, her voice thick with emotion.

I looked up and met her eyes, tears in them again.

"Is it serious?"

She bit her lip then shrugged, only making me more frustrated. What was a shrug supposed to tell me?

"How long?"

Her eyes shifted nervously. "A few months." She replied, wrapping her arms around her middle tightly.

"So, then it is serious."

Another shrug. "As serious as you can be in two months."

"Well, I knew I wanted to marry you after the first date, so..."

Her eyes widened at me and she stuttered. "Well it's not...we're not...he's...we're taking things slow." She finally got out.

I nodded, words still failing me.

My heart rate felt like it had topped out at a million beats per minute and I wasn't sure how much longer I was going to be able to stand here and talk to her.

"That's...great. I...I'm happy for you." I finally mumbled out awkwardly.

She shook her head. "Why do I feel like you don't really mean that?" she questioned.

"Why wouldn't I want you to be happy?" I countered. The thought was ludicrous. Sure I was upset that she was seeing someone; that was only because I wanted her to be with me. But I never wished for her to be unhappy.

With a sigh, she said "nevermind"; her eyes darted to the parking lot and then back to me. And I froze when I saw headlights pull up next to the curb.

"Relax." She told me. "It's just Danielle. My car's in the shop so she's been driving me around. Skylar's out of town for a few days."

I grimaced at the mention of what I assumed to be her new boyfriend's name. Whose name was Skylar anyway? It was such a dumb name.

Yeah I know, I'm being stupid. You're allowed to be when you find out that the woman you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with has moved on to a guy with a name like Skylar. The name alone had me picturing some douche-y, fraternity looking, surfer dude. Not her type at all.

And I don't know why she felt that telling me Danielle was the one picking her up was any better. Madi and Danielle had become best friends shortly after Madi and I got together and she had taken an instant dislike towards me. We never got along and I could never figure out what I'd done to make her hate me.

Whatever, she didn't matter anymore. Water under the bridge and all that shit.

The instant that the trunk popped open on Danielle's SUV, Madison's attitude changed and she slapped on her fake smile.

"Dani!" she called out, "look who I ran into!" she said with mock enthusiasm.

Danielle's eyes travelled over me slowly and when they met mine she rolled her eyes. "Hello, Justin." She said curtly. "Nice to see that you dragged yourself out of hiding. Did you finally decide to stop wallowing in self pity that your once perfect life had fallen apart and come out into the real world again?"

I smirked at her and was ready with a comeback but Madison, ever the peacemaker between us, intervened before I could. "Help me with my bags." She ordered, grabbing my arm and dragging me over to her cart.

Danielle smiled in triumph and I had to bite back the sarcastic remark that I had about her still riding the coattails of Madison's name.

I shuffled my feet slowly along behind her to the back of the SUV. "Not now." Madi bit out under her breath.

"So, have you written anything new?" she asked, trying to make light conversation. "Actually, yeah. I laid down some stuff in the studio with C earlier today." I told her.

The bag that she had in her hand almost slipped from her grasp. From the look on her face, I don't think she was expecting me to say that. She was looking at me with that deer-in-the-headlights look.

"Oh! Well...wow. That's wonderful! I'm sure it's excellent! Is it going to be solo or...are you getting back with the guys? Are you going to put out a record? Go on tour?"

I had to laugh at her enthusiasm. Her excitement at hearing me say that I was writing again seemed genuine. Especially since words were spewing out of her mouth faster than she could really think them.

I reached under the cart to grab her case of diet coke and put it into the trunk before I answered.

"For the moment...just solo. I'm hoping to put out a record but I've got to talk to Johnny. As far as touring, I guess we'll have to see how everything else goes first."

She beamed a bright, real smile up at me and for a moment it was easy to forget the conversation that had just taken place a few moments ago. Our hands touched when we both reached for the same bag in the cart and she pulled hers back quickly.

The moment was over.

"That's great to hear, Justin. Honestly."

One side of my mouth pulled up to smile at her weakly. "I needed to get back into it." I told her, placing the last of her groceries in the back, and wheeling the cart back up underneath the overhang.

I turned and she was staring at me, and I held her gaze for a moment, trying to figure out what was going on behind her eyes, and then her phone rang. I scratched at the back of my neck and then reached for my own cart, starting to push it in the direction of my car. "J, hold up." She called out and I stopped and spun, waiting for her to continue.

Her phone was pressed to her ear and she was grinning ear to ear, the same smile that she used to give me. My heart sunk and all of a sudden the feelings of hurt that I'd felt talking to her before came bubbling up to the surface.

She giggled and twirled a piece of hair around her finger and I felt my blood run cold. What the fuck was going on? Had she suddenly forgotten that I was still standing there?

I coughed to get her attention and her head snapped towards me, a look of guilt in her eyes.

Yeah, she should feel guilty. She was basically flirting with...ugh...Skylar...when her ex-fiancé was standing just feet away. I gritted my teeth, trying to push down the anger that felt like it was about to consume me.

"Hey-sorry to interrupt but, can I call you when I get home? I'm with Danielle at the moment."

The boyfriend didn't seem to mind because she ended the call seconds later with a "love you too."

When her eyes met mine and she saw the anger that was just buzzing beneath the surface she realized her slip up. Her eyes got huge and she laughed nervously. "Sorry about that, I..." she began.

"Forget about it. I don't even want to hear it." I growled out, turning on my heel and all but ran with my cart to my car. She called out to me twice to stop but I didn't acknowledge it. I quickly threw all of my groceries into the backseat and hopped into the car, throwing it in reverse without even looking behind me to see if it was safe to do so.

Luckily, with the hour being what it was, the parking lot was fairly deserted.

As I waited at the light to turn left out of the parking lot I tried to get my heart rate under control. My blood was boiling, my heartbeat thundering in my ears, my pulse beating against my throat.

Had she really said she loved him?

Fuck.  She had lied when she said things weren't serious. I knew her. She wasn't the type of girl to fall for someone that quickly. While she had a heart of gold and was quick to let people in, she didn't admit to loving someone easily. It had been like pulling teeth to get her to tell me even though we both knew that she felt it.

Fuck. Fuck. "FUCK!" I yelled out, pounding my fist against the dashboard so hard that I felt the skin break on my knuckles.

By now I was seething with anger, so upset that I could barely see straight.

I was mad at her for moving on. I was mad at myself for being dumb enough to think that she'd wait for me. And now that I thought about it, I was mad at my mom and JC too.

Hadn't my mom just told me that when she talked to Madison, Madison said she missed me and that she didn't sound happy? What the fuck. Why was my mom lying to me? To make me feel better?

And what about JC? Why the hell hadn't he mentioned anything to me, either?

He'd had plenty of opportunities to talk to me about it. And the conversation we'd had earlier in the car about how I was going to get her back would've been a great time for him to open his fucking mouth.

I was seeing red by the time I pulled into my driveway and forgot about the groceries that were in my car.

I stormed into the house, not bothering to turn any lights on, and threw my keys angrily onto the counter. I paced the kitchen, trying to get a hold of myself and even out my breathing.

But nothing was working. The longer I paced, the more furious I got. I stalked into the living room, my eyes zeroing in on the sheets of music that were strewn about the coffee table and on the couch. I picked up a couch cushion and threw it against the wall, the papers flying everywhere. And with the slightest jerk I upended the coffee table, the pencils and songbooks floating in the air; the glass centerpiece shattering as soon as it hit the floor.

My chest tightened as I looked around at what I'd done. My vision was still blurry and my hands were shaking with the fury that was coursing through my blood. I looked towards my beautiful baby grand piano, the moonlight hitting the opened top just right, making it almost glow in the dark.

My stomach twisted painfully and before I could even try to talk myself out of what I was doing, I'd picked up piano bench and threw it against the wall. The wood splintered on impact and I watched as it hit the ground, another shattering sound quickly following.

I walked over to examine what had fallen off the wall and my throat constricted when I saw what it was.

Tears filled my eyes and I didn't have time to try and blink them back. They spilled down my cheeks as I picked up the picture and held it in my hands. An engagement photo of Madison and me.

If there was anything to bring me out of the rage induced haze I was in, that was it.

I slid down the wall and let the tears continue to fall, silent sobs wracking my body. This was not how things were supposed to be going.

*

Sometime later, after I'd cried out all I could, I heard the faint noise of someone knocking at my door.

With a confused look around, I stood up, trying my best to avoid stepping in the broken glass that littered the floor next to me.

When I didn't answer right away, the knocking got louder.

I looked around the room and shook my head sadly at the destruction I'd caused. Maybe I did need to go and talk to someone. This need I had to destroy things whenever I couldn't handle my anger was a problem that I needed to get under control.

I peeped through the hole in the door and was shocked to see Madison standing there. I heaved a sigh, hoping against all hope that she wouldn't want to come in any further than the foyer. I didn't want her to see what I'd done. I was ashamed of it.

Pulling the door open, I tried my best to put on a happy face.

"Madison! What are you doing here?" I asked, stepping aside to let her in.

"I feel like I owe you an explanation, J." she said, not waiting to be invited into the house any further and heading straight for the warzone that my living room had become. She surveyed the place, turned to me with a shocked look in her eyes and then collapsed onto the couch.

If she had anything to say about what she saw, she was holding it.

She continued to sit there and stare at me wordlessly. It was making me uncomfortable.

I crossed my arms over my chest, arched an eyebrow and waited for her to continue.

It felt like minutes had gone since she'd said anything. "So explain." I prompted.

"Don't be like that. Please?" she begged, standing up from the couch so that we were on a (somewhat) even level.

"Like what? Upset? How can I not be upset that you're seeing someone?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm. The last thing I wanted was to retreat back into the state of mind that I'd been in when I got home. It was a scary place and not something that I wanted her to be a witness of.

"You gave up the right to be upset when you let me walk out that door, Justin!" she stated, the tone of her voice rising as she gave into her feelings.

"You shouldn't have walked out in the first place." I argued.

"Why not? Give me one good reason I had to stay with you? You weren't the same person anymore, and I wasn't either. What you pulled yourself into dragged me down too and I had to get out before I drowned with you."

"But you promised that you'd love me forever."

"I loved the man that I fell in love with in the bar. And at dinner on our first date. But what you had become" she paused, "...I told you that if the man you used to be showed up...if you could show me him again, I swore that I'd come running back."

"Well I'm here. And you're running in the opposite direction."

She shook her head sadly. "No you're not." She reached out a hand and stroked my cheek gently, her eyes searching mine. "I can tell that you want that man to come back, and for your sake, I really hope that you do find him again."

I closed my eyes against her touch. "Mads..." My heart was breaking. Only this time I could actually feel it happening. Before, I was just numb. And angry.

"I wish you all the success and happiness in the world, Justin. Please know that. I'm so proud of you for wanting to get back out there. Music always was your first love. You're going to be amazing and you're going to revel in every minute of it."

"But I don't want to do it without you." I whispered.

She hung her head. "I didn't want to live without you either but I had to figure out a way to let you go. I fought to keep us together for so long..." she said, her voice tight with emotion; a tear trickled down her cheek before it dropped from her chin onto the ground between us. "...but I couldn't do it anymore. You didn't seem to want me anymore. All you ever did was blame me for everything that had gone wrong in your life. And I was tired. I was so completely emotionally and physically exhausted from it that the only solution I could see was to leave you to sort things out yourself.

I prayed that you'd come after me. That you'd wake up to what you were doing. But you didn't. You didn't come after me, Justin! You didn't fight! So you tell me what I was supposed to do! Sit at home and wait? And hope that one day you'd snap out of it and realize what you'd lost?" She put her hands over her face for a moment before running them through her hair and taking a deep breath, seemingly collecting herself.

When she chuckled to herself it caught me off guard.

"I'll admit--I did wait around for you. I waited TWO YEARS for you to figure things out! And when it didn't happen I had to accept the fact that I'd lost you to your depression and your anger. I had to move on and figure out how to live my life without you in it. For real this time. I had to push away all thoughts of you ever coming back and push myself to get back to being the me I was when you and I first met. All the pieces aren't back, and I know that there's one that you'll always hold on to, but I'm getting there. I'm finally happy. And after I lost you, I wasn't sure I ever could be again."

I wasn't sure what I could say after all that, that would make any of the pain I'd caused her to go away.

I opened my mouth to say...something, anything...but no sound came out and she just stood there with her arms wrapped around herself, silent tears falling from her beautiful green eyes. Now my heart was not only breaking for me, but for her as well.

And it hurt like hell.

Maybe there was something to being numb.

"Mads, I..." I began, still unsure of what to say. Her eyes met mine for a brief instant before she dropped her gaze back down to the floor.

With a deep breath, I decided to just say what was on my heart.

"I'm sorry. For everything. For every tear I've caused you to cry from those beautiful eyes of yours. For breaking your heart. For blaming you for my mistakes. For not fighting with you for us. For letting you leave. For not coming after you. For making you waste two years of your life waiting for me. And for not being the man that promised he'd always cherish your heart and protect you from the bad stuff that life threw at you...for turning into the thing that caused you pain.

And I know that these are just words; and that my apology doesn't even come close to making up for everything that I've done. But I want you to know that I mean them from the bottom of my heart. You've got such an amazing heart, Mads, and the guy that is lucky enough to hold it better know what a precious thing it is to have. You deserve to be happy; that smile of yours is too gorgeous not to let show."

There was an awkward silence for a few moments before she whispered, "thank you." She sniffled, coming towards me and wrapping her arms around my waist. I tucked her head under my chin and secured my arms around her shoulders, holding her tight. I felt her tears soak through my t-shirt and I drew in a shaky breath as I released the ones I'd been holding in. We stood there in the living room, holding onto each other, both shedding silent tears.

When she started to pull away I held her tighter to me and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "You'll always have my heart, Mads."

She nodded and squeezed me around the waist with her arms before moving away slowly, barely able to look me in the eyes.

She picked her purse up off the table in the foyer, one hand poised over the knob to leave, before she turned around to give me a weak smile.

And then she was gone.

She could be happy but, I had to figure out a way to be happy without her.