"Sometimes we get second chances
And sometimes we never make it past the first
It really makes you wonder why some things happen when they do"

Song and Lyrics: "Second Chances" by Michelle Branch

"Justin..."

I could barely hear over the pounding of my heart in my ears. I leaned my head back against the wall behind the booth and thumped it against it. JC eyed me warily. "Talk to me." I narrowed my eyes at him. My head was spinning. This was not what I had intended to happen. She was the last person I thought I'd see out tonight. I turned my head to look at the end of the table, my eyes playing tricks on me, making me believe that she was still standing there.

She wasn't.

"Well, that went well."

He chuckled and I threw my napkin at him. "Not funny, Jayce. All I said was her name and she bolted out of here so fast my head spun." 

"It's no wonder she did. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. And then you two just...stared...at each other forever. You had more than enough time to strike up a conversation." He said, glancing down at his phone at a text message he'd just received. "What was I supposed to say? Sorry for being a dick and letting you leave but I'm ok now and I want you back? That's not really bar talk, Jayce."

He shook his head, his fingers typing away on his blackberry. "You could've just asked how she was for starters. If you can't even do that how do you expect to be able to sit down with her and apologize and try to get her back?"

My eyebrows furrowed at him. I knew that having a normal conversation with her was the first step I needed to make so that she would at least talk to me. But I had to have time to prepare for that. And tonight, I was so not prepared.

No, when I sat down to talk to Madison for the first time, I needed to have everything I wanted to say at the ready so that I wouldn't miss anything. I didn't want to miss apologizing for one thing I did wrong before she left me. And trust me; there was a lot to be sorry for. Every single heartache I caused her, every tear I made her cry, and every angry word I made her yell had to be made up. I swear to do it though; if she'll let me. Judging from her hasty exit out of here, I was starting to doubt that she'd ever give me the chance to.

*

After I got home I was still too on edge to sleep. My head was racing with a million thoughts, all centered on the woman who had made her appearance in my life tonight at dinner. Seeing her threw me for a loop. She looked amazing. Not that I thought that she'd be anything less but, I guess I had forgotten how truly beautiful she was.

But I could tell she wasn't happy. Her eyes didn't shine like they used to. Then again, I think she had been in too much shock at even seeing me out to get an accurate read on her mindset. My breath had been stolen from my lungs the minute she came into view.

The piano was calling my name, begging me to write something about what I was feeling after the encounter tonight. I resisted. If I started writing right now I would never get to sleep. And if I was going to get myself healthy again I needed my sleep.

Instead, I chose a book from the bookshelf and went and climbed into bed with it, perching my glasses on the end of my nose. I figured a book would help me clear my mind so that I could fall asleep at a decent hour instead of staying up ‘til the early morning hours.

When I read the same sentence five times over, I decided it wasn't working. The thoughts in my head were in a constant loop and I didn't foresee much being able to stop them right now. I sighed and tossed the book onto the bed next to me, my glasses following.

What time was it anyway? It was just after 9 that JC and I had left to get dinner and after Madi had shown up we'd cut the evening short. Her hasty exit had left me in a mood that was better handled if I was by myself, so we got the check and left, half our plates of food still sitting there.

JC understood. He always understood. Somehow though, he'd managed to pull me out of my mood on the drive home. I was grateful for it. I didn't want to retreat back into my head filled with all the dark thoughts that I'd been harboring the past few years. They'd only bring me down and trap me again; I didn't want that.

It was only 11:15. I supposed that I could go out again to the grocery store and stock up. Madison and I had always liked the grocery store late at night. It was always less crowded; there were never any prying eyes or needy people with cameras wanting to get a picture. And we could steal kisses without having to worry about who was photographing it and which tabloid the picture would end up in the next day.

Thank God for that because we'd gotten a little out of hand one night in the frozen foods section by the whipped cream. Just a tip, frozen whipped cream doesn't work as well as unthawed. I smiled at the memory and shook my head. We certainly were two crazy kids who had fallen crazy, madly in love with each other.

I had to wonder--given everything that we'd been through, and everything that I put her through, if we would ever be like that again. If when we got back together, if she wanted that, that is, if it would feel the same. We weren't the same two people who fell in love with each other back then; at least I wasn't. I needed to work on getting back to that.

I rolled out of bed and checked to make sure I had my cell phone and my wallet before I left to go to the grocery store. Now it was almost midnight, the place would be deserted.

*

I turned a corner and my cart bumped into someone else's cart causing a loud crashing noise to echo throughout the store.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me." I mumbled out as my eyes took in the person standing in front of me.

Seriously, what were the fucking odds? In all the years that I'd come grocery shopping here, I never once ran into someone I knew. But tonight? Ohhhh tonight God must have had it in for me. He better be getting a good fucking laugh out of this because I sure as hell am not.

"You can say that again." Mumbled the voice in front of me.

My head was racing with thoughts of what to say to her and my mouth ran with the first thing that came to mind. "Someone is trying to tell us something." Wow, really? I haven't spoken a word to her in...years...and that's the first thing that came out? I'm an idiot.

She continued to stare at me, her mouth sort of hanging open in an ‘o' shape. I needed to think of something else to say. Quick.

I peered into her cart and noticed the box of peanut butter Chips Ahoy cookies and looked up to give her a half hearted smile.

"Need milk to go with those?" I asked, immediately wanting to slam my head into a brick wall. Seriously, where the fuck was this shit coming from? I need a new brain. This one is fried.

She bit her lip, looked from her cart, to mine, back to hers then looked at me and nodded wordlessly. I turned my cart in the direction of the dairy aisle and I heard her start to follow behind me, one wheel squeaking along, only emphasizing how incredibly quiet the store was right now. It sounded like we were the only two in the place.

I heard each breath she took in, my ears trained on every sound she was making as she followed me. She sighed, inhaled again, and sighed out louder this time.

"So, it is kind of weird, right?" she finally said, the sound of her voice floating past my ears. My heart rate increased double time and I halted in the middle of the aisle, stopped in front of the shelves of milk and cheese.

I reached up and scratched at the back of my neck as I turned around to look at her again. I couldn't help it--I needed to see her, needed to burn another image of her in my head that didn't have a negative memory with it. The last time I'd seen her in person was the night she left. My insides twisted at the memory; I didn't want to go back down that path.

"What is?" I asked, reaching into the case to grab a gallon of milk for her and put it in her cart. I knew what she was pointing out but I wanted to keep her talking. She nervously tucked a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. "Thank you." She said quietly, her hands clenching and unclenching the cart's handle in front of her.

I let my eyes travel over her form. She'd changed since she left the bar, now wearing a matching pair of PINK track pants and a hoodie. The corner of my mouth tugged into a smile. How she could look just as beautiful in sweats as she did when she was dressed to the nines was one of the many things I loved about her.

And there was no question in my mind that I was still in love with her. Seeing her tonight only confirmed that feeling tenfold.

"You know, running into each other like this. Twice in one night, even. It's just...strange. I haven't seen you out at all since..." she coughed, "...everything. And now that I've finally..." she trailed off, her eyes darting up to meet mine then back down to her hands nervously. My stomach fluttered. What had she been about to say.

"Finally what?" I pressed, tossing a package of cheese into my cart. She sighed. "So, I was surprised to see you out with C. I didn't know you guys were talking again."

She was beginning to make me nervous with her sudden subject change. "If you are friends again, I think that's really great. You guys were always such good friends and I hated that you stopped..."

She was rambling and talking too fast. She only did that when she was nervous about something. What was she nervous about, other than the obvious of running into me again? I felt like there was more to it than that.

"I called him up the other day to see if he wanted to get together." I answered and she smiled slightly at me. "Well, it's great. Really, really great, J."

I arched an eyebrow. She was being weird. "You alright?" I questioned, ignoring the feeling in my gut that told me I really didn't want to know the answer to that. She shook her head back and forth, her ponytail swishing with the movement. "Just weirded out I guess. What else is on your list?" she asked, changing the subject again and plastering on a smile that I knew was fake. It didn't reach her eyes.

The nagging feeling I had that something was off with her only increased each time she evaded my questions. "I don't have a list. I just need food in my house. My cupboards and my fridge are kind of bare." I looked into my halfway filled cart to figure out what else I needed and decided I'd make my way to the pasta aisle; stock up on my carbs.

"I can tell that by looking at you. Have you been eating at all, Justin?"

My pulse quickened at the sound of my name coming from her lips. It still sounded as perfect as it had the day that I met her. I groaned at her question, though. I didn't want to have this conversation with her right now. It wasn't one I wanted to get into in the middle of a grocery store. It wasn't one that I was ready to start at all, really. Not knowing how to answer, I shrugged.

"Well please tell me that all that food in your cart is for you then and that you're going to eat it. You're too skinny." She commented then widened her eyes as I settled mine on her and gave her a smirk. "Thanks captain obvious." I quipped.

Her eyes shifted to the floor. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that...I just...just...sorry." She said quietly, hands fidgeting with the zipper on her hoodie.

"Mads, it's fine. Don't apologize, you didn't hurt my feelings. You didn't say anything that Jayce didn't already point out to me a hundred times. I realize that I've lost too much weight..."

"Don't..." she started, her green eyes meeting mine again, wetness starting to gather there.

"Don't what?" My first instinct at seeing the tears in her eyes was to hold her in my arms and make them go away, but I knew it wouldn't be right to do so I turned towards the boxes of pasta in front of me and began tossing a few into my cart.

"Don't call me that."

"What?" I wasn't sure I had heard her right.

"Don't call me that."

My heart dropped into my stomach. She didn't really mean that. I was the only one ever allowed to call her that. "Why not?" I asked quietly setting the jars of pasta down. Madison shook her head. "It's too...comfortable, too familiar. You...you're not allowed to call me that anymore." She whispered out, a tear slipping down her cheek. Instinct finally kicked in and I reached out to wipe the wetness from under her eye with my thumb and she swatted at my hand angrily.

"Dammit!" she growled out, surprising me at the anger in her tone. "You're not supposed to have this affect on me anymore. I'm not supposed to feel this way."

I looked on helplessly, completely unsure of what to do or what to say to her. I didn't want to do or say anything to upset her more. The last thing I wanted to do was cause her to cry again. She looked up at me, another tear escaping, her bottom lip quivering. "Why now? Why do you have to come back in my life now? When I've finally moved on? When I've finally gotten over you? Why couldn't you have just stayed gone, huh?"

If my heart was in my stomach before--now it was on the ground, shattered into pieces at her words. "I..."

I tried to respond at least fifty different times but every time I opened my mouth to say something the words wouldn't come out. I was speechless. My head was still reeling from what she'd said, her words swirling in my head, echoing in my ears. "Moved on." "Over you." "Stayed gone."

By the time I figured out what to say, I had gone from being hurt to being angry. "What do you want me to say, Madison? I'm sorry? Fuck...it's not like I planned on bumping into you tonight. You're the last person I wanted to see tonight."

She gasped and I quickly realized my error. "Shit. That's not what I meant. I meant that..."

The squeaky wheel on her cart came to life again as she circled the cart and began to stalk away from me angrily down the aisle towards the front of the store. I pushed mine quickly behind her to catch up. She stopped in a checkout lane and I pushed my cart in behind her, not even bothering to figure out if I'd gotten everything I needed. If I had forgotten anything, I could come back. This argument she and I were having was way more important than food.

I reached out to grasp her forearm lightly in my hand and turned her to me. Her normally light green eyes were now the color of a jade stone, looking up at me angrily. "Madison, that's not how it was supposed to come out. I just meant that...I wasn't ready to see you yet. I wanted to have my shit straight before I did." I explained quickly and quietly, knowing full well that our exchange in the aisle a bit ago had gained us the attention of some of the shoppers and employees.

"So I'm sorry that it came out the wrong way. But please don't think that I would ever not want to see you. You were my heart, Madi. Still are."

Her gaze softened and she squeezed her eyelids shut tight. When a tear escaped I swiped it with my thumb. At the touch, her eyes fluttered open to look at me again, stopping my heart in my chest. Her brow furrowed. "Justin, I..." she began but was interrupted by the cashier telling her to unload her cart. I helped her put everything onto the moving belt and then began putting all of my stuff on, waiting for her to continue.

She didn't until we were both checked out and were heading for the exit. We stood under the canopy in silence, me waiting with bated breath for her next words. When she didn't continue with whatever she had been thinking in the store, I talked. "Madison, can we get together for dinner or lunch this weekend? There is a lot that I need to talk to you about but this isn't the right setting for it."

I didn't know if I'd be ready by the weekend to have this talk with her but I was quickly realizing that if I didn't do it soon, I might lose the chance altogether. She pulled her lip between her teeth. "There's...something I need to tell you." She mumbled, rolling her car keys back and forth between her hands. I urged her to continue with my eyes. "I...shit. I don't know how to say this."

Uh-oh. This couldn't be good. Suddenly, I was wishing that I could wake up and do the whole day over. If I could, I would've stayed holed up in my house all day and sat at the piano and wrote. I wouldn't have set foot outside of my house. If I needed food there was takeout, that's what it was invented for right?

God, if you're listening, I need a do over of today, alright? Make the last 18 hours rewind so that I don't have to be standing here right now, heart about to beat out of my chest as I wait for whatever this is that she needs to tell me. I know I'm not prepared for it so, if you could please just...make today disappear I'd be forever grateful.

She wouldn't meet my eyes, just stared at the crack in the cement.

I took in a shaky breath.

She let out a deep sigh.

And then. "I'm seeing someone, Justin."