Everything is in between...

It's the elephant in the room
and we pretend that we don't see it.
It's the avalanche that looms
above our heads but we don't see it...

"Mr. Chasez, is it?" the TSA officer asked, glancing at JC's drivers license.

"Yes. Is there a problem?" JC questioned, eyeing me warily.

"We'll need to pat you down. We're not exactly sure what is making the metal detector go off."

His eyebrows rose. "It was going off? I didn't hear anything."

"Yes. Right this way. Charlotte over here is going to inspect your things." Complying with the officer, JC and I followed behind her to where Charlotte was waiting. At seeing her, JC turned to me with wide eyes and all I could do was chuckle. I think we were both expecting some manly looking, female TSA officer and to say we were wrong was an understatement. Charlotte was hot and I had to suspect that JC wasn't going to mind getting patted down by her.

After inspecting JC's duffel bag, she pushed it out of the way and took her wand off of her belt, giving him a devilish smile as she did so. "Hello, Mr. Chasez." She said breathily, bending over to run the wand near his shoes and then up his legs. The tips of his ear turned pink and I fought the urge to laugh again. This was entertaining.

He glared at me at the sound of my chuckle and flipped me the bird. "Something funny, J?" He asked. Charlotte's eyes cut away from him to me and I stifled my laughter with a hand over my mouth.

"Not at all." I replied, eyes twinkling with mischief. His finger pointed at me accusingly.

"Please don't do what I think you're going to..."

I shrugged innocently before giving him a wide smile. "J...don't even..."

"Is there something I should know about?" Charlotte interrupted, her hands halting on JC's chest as she looked at me to figure out what was going on.

To torture him or not? I pondered, smirking slightly when I thought about the amount of times the guys and I would pull pranks on JC because he was the easiest to get. "Nah...we're good." I saw JC visibly relax and he gave me a silent thank you with a nod of his head.

"You're all clear, Jay-I mean Mr. Chasez. Have a nice flight." She turned a 1000 watt grin on him, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder and patting his shoulder lightly as he leaned over to pick his duffel bag up off the floor.

"Thanks." He muttered over his shoulder as we began walking away.

"So Jayce-that was some girl that gave you the pat down back there." I joked and he nodded mutely. "Looked like you were enjoying it, too. What would the wifey have to say about that?" I continued on.

"Shut up." He said in warning.

"That was like the time when we were in Germany and that one officer had to check you out because Chris said something about you carrying drugs. What was her name? Gilda?"

"Hilda." He corrected, clearing his throat, and then-"are you sure it was a she, J? I thought we concluded that it was a dude."

"With red lipstick?"

"I don't know. Those were not woman's hands that inspected..." he said, trailing off with an embarrassed cough.

I clopped him on the back. "Hmm...maybe you're right."

"Thanks for sparing me this time."

I shrugged. "I figured I'd give you just this once to not be humiliated in an airport. You're lucky you were with me and not Chris. I don't think he would've been so nice."

JC laughed and headed towards the Starbucks line. "Remind me to get his clown-ass back the next time we're in an airport together."

"Sure. I'll even help you come up with the prank."

The short line to order coffee shuffled forward and JC put in his order with a star struck girl who was probably in diapers when the first *NSYNC album came out. Nonetheless, I was being surprised more and more each day at how many people still recognized and cared about who he (and I), were.

We got our drinks and headed towards the gate in silence. My head was swimming with a million different thoughts that were going in a million different directions. As soon as I got settled back in LA, I needed to make a phone call to Dr. Bard-I had a few things on my heart that I wanted to run by him. I was suddenly struck with the thought that I actually liked talking to the guy. Scary. There was about an hour until the plane was scheduled to take off so JC and I found a spot next to an electrical outlet and plugged ourselves in.

While JC pulled out his phone and began an irritatingly sweet conversation with Amber, I toyed around with some different beats in Pro Tools, trying to figure out something for one of the songs I had written after FutureSex had come out.

And now that I can see mistakes so clearly now
I'd kill if I could take you back...

I frowned...apparently I'd been foreshadowing my own life and mistakes with Madison when I'd written this song. Maybe I could add this one as the bonus track. I opened up my notes document and added the song to the list that seemed to be growing every day. At this rate, I was actually going to have to pick songs instead of struggle to write or find enough to make the album the right length.

Before I knew it, JC was tapping me on the shoulder and gesturing towards the gate agent. I sighed, not really even sure that I was ready to go back to Los Angeles just yet. What if things weren't different when I got back home? Sure, I'd made a lot of progress in the few weeks I was gone but...the wrong thing could happen and I could be sent spiraling back into darkness. Guess that was something else I needed to talk to Dr. Bard about--my worry that this feeling of getting better was something short-lived.

"Ready?" JC asked as he handed his ticket to the agent.

 "As I'll ever be." I replied, following him through the door.  We walked down the jet way, JC's phone pressed to his ear as he said last minute "see-you-later's" to Amber; and try as hard as I could to ignore it-I felt the familiar pang of jealously creeping up on me at hearing their exchange. I wanted something like they had. I glanced at JC as I heard him giggle, the corner of my mouth tugging into a smile when I saw the look on his face-this love thing looked good on him.

It usually looked good on me, too.

We stepped onto the plane, stopping almost immediately as we waited for the other passengers in front of us to get seated-moving slowly but surely. Lucky for me and Jayce, we were in first class. Once the person in front of me was out of the way, I ducked into our row, shoving my bag under the seat in front of me before plopping down into the leather upholstery

"I miss you more..." I caught JC say for about the third time in a row and I stifled a groan. Could they be any more sickening?

"No seriously..." He began.

"Yes, seriously!" I muttered out, rolling my eyes in his direction so that he'd see me, and he waved me off with a flick of his wrist, turning the other way.

"Love you, Ambs...I'll be home soon." He said lovingly.

"Love you more..."

"OH MY GOD!" I groaned, reaching out for the phone so that I could just hang it up already. "You hang up...no you hang up. You're like teenagers."

Finally hanging up the phone, JC reached out and thwacked the back of my head with his palm. "Jealous much?"

"Nauseous much?" I retorted. "If you two talked any longer I was about ready to use the barf bag."

He frowned and pointed towards the seat pocket in front of me. "There's one right there. Feel free."

"Ass."

"Don't you worry, J. You'll find someone and then you'll be the one doing that."

"God help me if I do." I groaned, getting situated in the seat and stretching my legs out in front of me as far as they'd go. Even in first class I felt like there wasn't enough legroom. "If this album does well, I'm buying a damn private plane." I mumbled, fishing my phone out of my pocket to turn it off. My eyebrows furrowed when I looked at the screen and saw that I had a text message. From Madison. When had she sent--

"I'll go halves with you." JC joked, turning off his own phone. "Something wrong?" He asked, seeing my expression.

"Madison sent a text saying to ‘fly high'. Huh."

"Well that was nice." He offered.

"Nice but...odd."

"Why? Didn't you guys end on a good note the other night after you talked on the phone?"

I worried my lip between my teeth, flipping my phone over and over in my hands while I processed what her text could possibly mean. Of course my head went to the extreme and thought it was her way of reaching out and saying she was ready to try again. But really? All it said was "fly high" and that could've just been her being nice. Whatever was going on...this in between of not being friends or being friends or being more was confusing...and it made my head hurt to try and figure out.

But is there really anything to figure out at all? My head argued with itself. God, this was getting tiring. Ever since our phone call the other night I'd analyzed and over-analyzed the hell out of every single part of the conversation. So much so that my thoughts were just in a constant circle of the same exact thing-round and round they went until I was dizzy from it all.

I'd come to the conclusion (more than once) that it was best to just forget the whole thing. And then I'd think about what my life had been like with her, in the beginning stages when I was happy and still working and we were perfect, and argue that I could just feel things out and let the chips fall where they may.

And there I go talking (or is it thinking?), in circles again. I just wanted things to get better-no matter what that meant.

"Flight attendants please prepare for take-off." The voice of the captain broke into my thoughts and I quickly grabbed the flight attendant as she was walking passed our row. "Ma'am, could I get a pillow?" I asked, flashing her a quick smile. She returned it and nodded yes before reaching into an overhead bin and grabbing one for me.

"Naptime?" JC questioned, resting his head against his seat back. "Yeah...wake me when they come around for snacks."

"Sure thing, dude. Night night." With that, I situated the pillow as comfortably as I could under my head and stared out the window as we took off, the ground and buildings below all but disappearing into blackness as the plane ascended into the night sky.

*

There was an annoying poking feeling in my shoulder and I opened my eyes from my sleep to glare at the person doing the poking. "Snacks already?" I asked quietly, stretching my arms above my head. JC's head turned from the computer screen in front of him to look at me. "Yeah, almost. They're getting the carts out now."

"Is that Justin I hear?" I heard Amber's voice ask from the computer.

"Yep. He's awake." JC replied, turning the computer towards me so I could see the screen.

"Are you two seriously using face time while you're in the air?" I groaned out, suddenly wishing I had another pillow to block out the sound of JC talking to his computer. Amber beamed at me from the screen.

"Hi Justin!"

I squinted at it and waved awkwardly. "Hey girl."

"Thank you for returning my hubby in one piece." She replied, the smile on her face almost cheek splitting.  I felt my stomach turn. Hubby? Seriously? I glanced at JC with my eyebrows raised but he ignored it, going back to whatever conversation I had interrupted.

"We were just talking about joining the mile high club. Got any pointers?" Amber asked with a giggle.

I thought over it a moment. "Yeah...don't."

"You said it was successful." JC pointed out and I shrugged.

"I lied. It's impossible."

"I'm flexible." Amber chimed in and JC gave a low whistle.

"That you are."

"Okay, ew. I don't want any part of this conversation. Nice seeing you, Amber. I'm sure I'll see you when we land." With that, I switched positions and angled myself so that I was facing the window, adjusting the pillow under my head again. I was grateful that it was dark outside and that I could leave the shade up to just stare out into space.

I drifted off to sleep again, the sound of JC and Amber's conversation in the background.

*

"Babe, I'm freezing. Can you get in my bag and get my Cubs snuggie out?" I asked, moving my head from its position on Justin's shoulder. He made a face at me. "I am not dragging that thing out of your bag."

I pouted. "Please?"

"How about I warm you up instead?" He said with a wink, the hand that was on my knee moving up to squeeze my thigh playfully.

"And how do you intend to do that?"

"We're the only two up here in first class, sweets. I say we take advantage of that." Knowing exactly what he meant, he pulled my lower lip between his teeth, eyes shifting about our surroundings nervously. "Madiiiiii..." Justin breathed into my ear, just before capturing my earlobe between his teeth and raking them over it. I shivered but didn't respond verbally. "C'mon baby. Let's become the latest members. I don't think I can wait ‘til we touch-down in New York. Especially after how you left me in the hotel room this morning."

I giggled and leaned into his touch when he brushed his nose along my jaw. "Meet you in the back in five." I whispered, angling my neck to give him better access.

"Jesus!" I yelped as I was pulled out of my thoughts by the shrill ringing of Skylar's house phone. I glanced at where the phone was in proximity to me and then back to the computer, cell phone, and books piled around me and decided to let the machine pick it up.

"Babe, I know you're there...pick up...I've already tried your cell three times...where areeee youuuu?" I couldn't control the rolling of my eyes. "Anyway, don't eat yet, I made reservations and I'm on the way to pick you up. See you soon." My stomach rumbled in appreciation and I was shocked when I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was nearing 7pm. Where had time gone? Hadn't I just sat down to start work an hour ago? Had I really been that zoned out that I'd only managed to read through the first page of an artist contract?

With a sigh, I closed up my laptop and books and set them on the coffee table before standing from the couch to stretch. Another dinner with Skylar where I would have to put up my façade and pretend that everything was alright. I was tired of faking it and wasn't sure just how much longer I could. And wished that I didn't have to.

Damn Justin coming back into my life. Why couldn't I have been stronger and just stayed away? If I had, I wouldn't be in this position-walking on eggshells around Skylar and so confused about which way was up that I could barely think straight most days. It was exhausting and I just wanted it to end.

*

"Where'd you go?" Skylar asked, interrupting my thoughts. I shook my head and shrugged helplessly in an attempt to apologize for zoning out on him mid-sentence, again. It was happening a lot lately. My head seemed to be a constant flow of thoughts that never made any sense and questions that I was no closer to answering than I was when they'd first popped up in my mind.

"You're doing that a lot lately. What gives?"

I swiped my fingertip along the rim of my wine glass, stalling for time, my eyes not meeting his. "I just have a lot going on."

He snorted, a disbelieving kind of sound and I turned my eyes towards his in shock. "That's bullshit and we both know it. When are you going to start being honest with me? With yourself?"

I took my wine glass in hand and swirled the liquid around in it. "I don't know what you're talking about. Work has been running me ragged, and helping my sister plan her wedding..." I finished off the red wine as he interrupted me.

"...and you and Justin talking again." I nearly spit out the liquid in my mouth with that. How'd he even know we had talked again? Did I even want to know? I swallowed thickly and averted my gaze as he cut into his steak angrily, his brown eyes stormy and his brows knotted together. "It's not what you..."

"Sure it's not."                                                                                                        

"How'd you know we were talking again?" I asked, picking up the bottle of wine in the middle of the table and refilling my glass.

"You were in the shower when he text messaged you the other morning and I was curious as to who was texting you so early so, I snooped." He popped a piece of steak in his mouth and chewed quickly, his jaw clenching with each bite down.

"You looked at my phone?!" I shrieked.

"Would you be quiet!" He hushed.

"You had no right to invade my privacy like that, Skylar." I said angrily, leaning over the table in closer to him.

He snorted. "Obviously, you feel like you have something to hide."

"Like what?"

"There's something going-you know what? I can't do this anymore, Madison." He slid his chair back from the table, stood, and dropped his napkin down on top of his plate. I jumped up the second he turned to leave the restaurant, the chair scraping across the hardwood floor and causing everyone to turn and look in my direction; not that they hadn't been looking before, but...

"What do you mean?" I called out, not really caring that we were causing a scene, only that I wasn't entirely sure what exactly was going on right now and Skylar was the only one who could explain it. He pushed through the door and I followed through right after and almost ran into his back when he stopped abruptly on the sidewalk.

"You haven't been yourself for weeks. You've been distant, angry, mopey...we haven't had sex in a month!" His brown eyes blazed into mine with a fierceness that I hadn't detected in the dim lighting of the restaurant.

"Shhhh..."

"So you're not denying it?" He asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited for my answer. I shifted back and forth on my feet nervously. What was happening? Was this the end for us? Did I want it to be? The fact that my head didn't immediately shout out a definite "no" to that one was all the answer I needed.

"No, I'm not denying it." I spoke quietly, my chin to my chest, finally giving into the confusing thoughts and ideas I'd been entertaining for the past few weeks...months even, if I was being completely honest with myself. Ever since my run in with Justin at the grocery store, I'd been thinking what it would be like to be with him again.

"Are you going back to him?" The question was simple but I couldn't answer it. Not because I was afraid of his reaction but because I really didn't know. Did Justin even want me back? After everything that had happened between us, was it even possible? I shrugged, not knowing what else to do. 

"How could you even want to after how he treated you?" Skylar shoved his hands into his hair, pushing it back off his face and let out a frustrated sigh.

"You have no idea what my relationship was like with him, Sky..." I was surprised that I was quick to jump to Justin's defense even though, for the most part, Skylar was right.

"You're forgetting that I put the pieces back together for you." He mumbled out, turning away from me and stomping off towards his car. The doors unlocked and he yanked the driver's side open and got in, slamming it right after. He barely waited for me to get in before he was pulling out into a lane.

"Jesus...are you trying to kill me?" I barked, pulling my seatbelt into place.

"No."

Deafening silence stretched between us as he navigated the streets of LA back to his place, where my car was. He parked the car in the garage and I followed him into the house mutely, trying to remember exactly what I had stored at his place so that I could pack it up as quickly as he needed me to.

In the kitchen, he grabbed a beer from the fridge and seemed to drink it all in one big gulp. I only stood at the end of the breakfast bar and stared into space, my brain still unable to comprehend what was going on. I winced when the glass bottle hit the bottom of the metal trash can, the sound breaking the silence. "What do you mean, you can't do this anymore?" I questioned, my tone hushed as my eyes followed his form walking around the bar to stand in front of me. He reached his arms out and rested them on my shoulders, leaning forward to touch his forehead to mine. On instinct, my hands fell to his waist and rest on his hips. His jaw clenched and unclenched and he swallowed harshly, his eyelashes fluttering closed-the sight breaking my heart. What was I doing?

"I can't be in love with someone who clearly doesn't love me back." He whispered. Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to be able to fight him on this...to be able to say something to prove him wrong. But the words were failing me, getting stuck somewhere in the back of my throat.

"Sky, I..." I said thickly, blinking back tears when he opened his eyes and settled them on me. "Please don't..."

"I do...love you..." He pulled back and searched my face, shaking his head sadly and dropping his arms from my shoulders. "But not like you love him."

I hung my head, the tears flowing more freely now, and I thought to myself how incredibly awful it was that I was crying over this when Skylar was the one I was hurting. He turned from me without a word and began heading towards the living room. I stared after him, not knowing if I should follow or just leave. "You know..." He called out, his voice hoarse, "...I wish I could say that I was mad at you." I appeared at his side in front of the fireplace where he was looking at a picture of the two of us. I picked the frame up and traced the lines of our smiles...we looked happy...I looked happy. Why couldn't I just be with Skylar and forget that Justin and I ever existed...and be happy like the girl in the picture? Why had that changed?

Because Justin and I did exist...and I would always love him-no matter what he put me through.

I wiped at my cheeks angrily, ridding them of my tears and leaned my head on his shoulder. "I wish you'd be mad at me, too. I know I deserve it. You didn't deserve any of this." I said with a sniffle. He wrapped his arms around my middle and turned me to hug me to his chest. "I feel like you wasted my time...like I was just the middleman between you and Justin breaking up and you and him getting back together."

"But you weren't! I wanted to be with you-you're an incredible guy, Skylar. Any girl who walks away from you is an idiot."

He grunted. "You are."

I dug my face into his chest, not able to look at him any longer, and he rested his cheek against the top of my head. "And I completely admit that I'm an idiot. You're the perfect guy--"

"Just, not the perfect guy for you." He finished, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. I felt a hot tear slide down his cheek and land on my forehead. He wiped it away quickly and stepped back from me. My heart was breaking-for him and for the insecure girl inside of me who was still so unsure of what leaving Skylar could mean and for not knowing where I stood with Justin.

"I'm so sorry." I choked out with a sniffle.

I gathered my things quickly, barely able to look at him as he watched me move about the room collecting the various items I had left at his place over the past few months. He was leaned against the doorframe of the front door and watched as I pulled out of the driveway.

A hot tear stung its way down my cheek and I brushed it away angrily as I straightened the car and drove away-not chancing a look back at the house.

My heart was beating out of my chest. What was I doing? If leaving was the right thing to do, then why did I feel so awful?