"Finally I'm waking up,
I feel like I can let you go.
Say everything I wanted to say;
I'm ok with being alone"
Song-"Close My Eyes"-Backstreet Boys

"I'm ready to put out another album, Johnny."

Silence stretched for minutes on the line and the only thing letting me know he hadn't hung up was the faint sound of his breathing in and out.

"Wright-man, you ok over there?" I asked, growing weary of the silence.

He chuckled lowly. "Justin, that's great news. I'm just a bit stunned. You'll have to forgive my lack of response. But trust me it's not for lack of being excited. Trying to get my heart rate back under control."

"Sorry. Should've warned you, huh?" I replied, leaning my back against the counter.

"You always did like to catch me off guard, you punk." He joked and I could almost see his wide smile over the phone.

"That I did."

"So have you been working on stuff? If you have I'd love to hear it. I can come out to LA and we can meet up, if you'd like. My schedule is pretty clear for the next few weeks since the Jonas boys are overseas."

I laughed. Johnny's schedule was never "clear". He always had his hands in something. Johnny's idea of a clear schedule was being in the same city for more than a day. "Uhh...I've just got some pretty rough stuff down. Jayce and I were working together a bit. I'm actually not in LA right now, I'm in Memphis. I had to get outta that town. Too many reminders and stuff. I wouldn't mind a trip down to the sunshine state though. Been a while."

"Well, come on down. Bring Momma Lynn with you. Josh too if he's not too busy being the dance boy for MTV." He chuckled again. Clearly I'd caught him on a night when he was in good spirits. He must have made money today. "It doesn't matter if what you've got is rough. I'm sure it's good, whatever it is."

"Are you sure? You aren't like, mad at me for walking out on you all those years ago? I know you lost some money when I decided not to extend with Jive." I said, only half kidding. He scoffed. "I did. But you know that I didn't care. I saw that you were happy and if anyone deserved some time away to have a normal life, it was you. Besides, *NSYNC made me enough money to never have to work again."

He was ohsoright about that. Hell, being in *NSYNC had made me enough money to be set for life. But at the time that the band decided to go on hiatus, I wasn't ready to give it all up. I was still young and liked all the fame and fortune that my talents were bringing me.

"Johnny, I am sorry though. For treating you the way I did. I know that my choices were my own and that when you offered to manage me again back then, you were only trying to help me find myself again. I just...I want you to know that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't appreciate you and everything that you did for me. You were like a second father to me and the best manager I could ever hope to have."

"Justin, if I thought that you didn't respect me or appreciate me, I wouldn't still be talking to you right now and I would've come out to LA a long time ago to kick your ass for it. I don't know what has happened to you for me to be receiving your phone call tonight but I'm glad for it. It's about time that we got you back. It's time for you to take the world by storm again."

I let out a shaky breath and started pacing around the kitchen. This talk was making me nervous. "I don't know about the world, Johnny. I don't think the world even knows I'm still alive. Hell, I don't even know if I can do it anymore. I may just be teasing myself. The songs are probably terrible."

"Why don't you let me determine that, hmm? And we'll start off small and see what happens. Throw you out into a few small venues and get some reactions. Just like riding a bike, Justin. You may not have ridden in forever, but the second you get back on and start pedaling, it'll come back to you." He advised, making more sense to me the longer he talked.

"What about a label?" I interjected.

"What about it? You don't need one anymore. The majors are all too controlling nowadays and all the bands now are going indie. Why not have Tennman put it out? If you really want a label, I mean."

I hadn't thought about that before. But everyone at Tennman was fairly biased since I'd pretty much had a hand in hiring all of them. Even though I wasn't active at the label anymore, I still owned it. I was still the money behind it. I had to laugh at that. I'd be paying myself if I signed with them. I quickly nixed the idea. Maybe indie was the way to go. My head started spinning. This talk was all too much too quickly. I didn't even know if the stuff I had was worth letting other people hear.

"Yeah, that's true. I guess we'll just play things by ear. I've still got a few sessions with a head doctor up here..."

"You're seeing a shrink?" he interrupted.

I laughed and ran a hand through my short curls. "Yeah. Mom thinks I need to talk things out. I do too. So far so good though. I'm talking to you, right? That's another step in the right direction."

"What was the first step?" he questioned. I rubbed at the scruff on my face and turned to head upstairs to my bedroom. "Pulling my head out of my ass." I told him and he laughed.

"Got that right. Well, you just let me know when you're coming down and you've got a place to stay at the compound when you do. I was serious about bringing JC, though. Maybe I can talk you two into an *NSYNC reunion..."

Here we go, I thought, pun definitely intended.

"Maybe someday, Johnny. For right now though, I think I need to start out on my own again."

"I know. I know. You know that I'm kidding with you. But those fans still hold out hope. Which is good-it means they haven't forgotten about you. You'll have a good sized fan base when you get out that new album." He was right about that one. I hadn't thought about that part. *NSYNC fans really were the most loyal fans out there. Almost a decade since our hiatus and they still hadn't given up hope that we'd someday get back together. You had to give them credit.

"Yeah, I hear that. You make a good point. I'll see if I can pull JC away from LA long enough for a visit out to O-town. I'll let you know of the exact day that I'll be there but it should be Monday-ish."

"Sounds great, Justin! Glad to have you back."

A smile pulled across my face and I flopped down onto the bed. "I'm trying. Thanks for everything, Johnny. You really are the greatest..."

"Yeah, I know. Thank me later when I haven't told you that your songs suck. I'll be in touch with you soon, J."

"Alright. Night Johnny. Tell the Mrs. I say hello as well."

"Will do. Goodnight Justin."

I hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed next to me, sighing out in relief.

"Did I hear you making plans for a visit to Florida?"

I jumped at the sound of my mom's voice in my doorway. Had she been eavesdropping on me? The little sneak. She had known that I would call Johnny tonight. God love her. Coming home really was proving to be the best idea I'd ever had.

"Yes mom. Way to spy. Did you want to come too?" I asked her, pushing myself up on my elbows. She smiled at me as she leaned against the doorframe. "Only if you want me to. You know that I can always use an excuse to go to Florida. Besides, Johnny's wife and I can busy ourselves and go shopping and lay by the pool while you two talk business."

I yawned and stood to go get my pajamas on. "Sure mom. I'm gonna see if Jayce can meet me out there too." She giggled. "Is Johnny trying to talk you into another reunion?"

I nodded at her as I shed my t-shirt. "Just like old times." I said with a smile. "I'll probably go Monday. That ok?"

She padded into my room and placed a kiss on my forehead, smoothing away the creases in my face after. "Anything for you, baby. Now I'm really going to bed. Love you. Goodnight."

"Love you too, mom."

She retreated and I closed the door before I stepped out of my jeans and pulled my comforter back. I slid under the covers and felt myself sink into the comfort of the bed, relaxing for the first time since I got there.

I felt really good about my talk with Johnny. He had welcomed me back with open arms, something that I would be eternally grateful for, and had given me a boost of confidence that this could work out; that things would be ok for me even without Madison around to share it with.

As I felt the beginnings of sleep consume me, I felt a piece of my heart fit back into place. I may not have Madison by my side in this (and that still stung), but I had other people surrounding me who would be there by my side through it all, who had been there for me since the beginning. For the first time in forever I was content with that knowledge. For the first time in forever I went to sleep with a smile on my face and the intense pressure I had been feeling weighing on my chest was a ghost of what it used to be.

*

My feet on the ground but I can't run,
drowning the noise inside my head--
who is this man that I've become?
It's killing me to see myself.

Dr. Bard startled me out of the trance I was in when he walked into the studio on Saturday. "So, how we feeling today Justin?" He asked as he situated himself into the leather chair next to me.

How do you learn how to forgive
when deep down inside you can't forget?
With all that I regret
and I pray for the first time in a long time

I glanced up from the notepad I was scribbling lyrics on and smiled at him. "Great, doc!"

"Great?" he asked.

"Yeah." It was the first time I'd said it and actually meant it. It felt good.

His brows wrinkled in confusion before his lips screwed into a smile. "That's wonderful news, Justin. I'm glad to hear it! Why are things so great?"

I set my pencil down and turned my chair towards him, folding my hands in my lap. "For the first time in a long time, I woke up feeling that everything was going to turn out alright; that everything I'm doing now is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. With or without someone by my side. For the first time in a long time I'm excited about where my life is headed. I'm finally back on track and I'm so ready to get back to doing what I love. I was an idiot before in thinking that I could live without music running through my veins and living and breathing it in everyday. Being in the studio and creating again has made me feel like myself again-when just a few weeks ago I wasn't sure I'd ever feel that way.

"I'm leaving tomorrow for Florida to visit Johnny-my manager-and he's going to take a listen to what I've got so far. His reaction to all this is going to decide whether or not I put out an album."

Dr. Bard was drumming his fingers on the console to the instrumental track that I'd been playing when he came in and I watched him curiously, weirded out by the change in his demeanor since I'd seen him a few days before. Maybe my opening up to him had made him feel like he could open himself up as well. He cut his eyes towards me, a smile still on his face. "And how do you feel about what you've got so far?" he asked.

"I like it." I replied, scratching my chin. "It's definitely different than my previous stuff but a lot has happened since my last album. I'm not that person anymore." I took a drink from the bottle of water in front of me, tossing the bottle back and forth between my hands.

"So I won't hear any ‘sexyback' part two's on this album?" he said with a chuckle. I spit out the water that I'd just sipped and let out a loud snort. "Umm, no. And I can't believe you just said that."

He continued laughing at me, brushing at the sleeves of his shirt at the drops of water I'd gotten on him. Whoops. But he really should have warned me that he was going to make a funny; I wasn't prepared.

"I'm up on my pop culture, Justin. I know I may look old but give me a little credit."

"You've got a daughter, don't you?" I asked and he cut his eyes away from me with a slight roll. "Yes. She's married and 30 now but it would make me the best parent alive if I got her an autograph."

"Seriously?"

"I wish I was kidding."

I smiled at him. There was yet another person I could count on to support me when I put my CD out. Good to know. My numbers were growing.

"Do you know if she had a favorite song? Or album? Maybe I could record her a rough cut of it and send it off to her."

He thought it over for a moment. "I think she liked ‘Something Like You'."

"Of course she did. Hmm. I'm hooking up with JC when I go to Orlando. He might be willing to sing it with me. I'll see what I can do." I told him, thinking back to the song and remembering the lyrics instantly.

Madison looked up at me through her long eyelashes, bright green eyes sparkling intensely, and my heart swelled.

"You're beautiful." I whispered out, wiping my thumbs under her eyes to rid her cheeks of the tears that I'd managed to cause.

"You made my make-up run." She said accusingly, hands pushing mine away so that she could fix it. "Didn't you hear me? I don't care. You're gorgeous. And at least they're happy tears."

She sniffled and gave me a soft smile, her lashes wet and sprinkling her cheeks with the blackness of her mascara. "You really want to do this? We haven't even been dating that long." she asked worriedly.

"Madi, I've never been more sure of anything in my life."I said reassuringly. I reached out for her, wrapping my arms around her waist and bringing her against my chest. She settled into me, tucking her head under my chin. I'm sure she could feel my heartbeat against her cheek; it was pounding with excitement over what I'd just done and what her reaction was.

I blew out a breath and squeezed her tighter when she sighed against my chest. The music that the jazz band was playing inside the restaurant was a familiar tune and I swayed us back and forth slightly, humming along.

"...could it be true this is what God has meant for me? Cause baby I can't believe, that something like you could happen to me..."

I felt Madison giggle into the front of my shirt and I pulled back to look down at her. "Something funny?" I asked. She beamed a bright smile up at me and shook her head no. "Liar."I accused, poking her side, causing her to laugh harder. "You paid them to play that, didn't you?"

I widened my eyes and threw my hands up in defense. "No way. You know I'm corny but I'm not that bad." I said, smiling at her and bringing her hands up to rest on my shoulders.

"Something happens when you look at me, I forget to speak. Something happens when you..."

"Yeah, I think JC and I can do something for her. Just make sure you leave me her address." I told Dr. Bard.

I was expecting to feel some kind of tightness in my chest at remembering that particular part of mine and Madison's history but, I didn't. All I was was grateful that I'd been able to experience something like that with her at all.

"I'm going to win father of the year for sure." He joked, rocking back in his chair. "So, what were you working on? I'd love to hear something new. I may not be any industry savvy person but, I'm the general public. I'll tell you if I like it or not."

"You sure you don't mind? It's a song that I've been messing around with for a few days. I was kind of stuck on the lyrics..." I said, shuffling the papers in front of me to get them all in order.

"It's your money. We can spend your two hours however you'd like to."

As I pushed back from the mixer, I gave him a smile. "If you really don't care, I'd love to get your take on this song."

"Hit me with it."

I flicked a few switches and the intro for the song began to play.

Finally I'm waking up
I feel like I can let you go.
Say everything I wanted to say,
I'm okay with being alone
Finally I'm facing up
I feel like I can let it show
and know I can walk away
I'm okay with being alone

When I close my eyes
When I close my eyes

I'm alive

"Justin, that's wonderful. You weren't kidding when you said it wasn't like your old stuff but, I like the new sound. It's very raw and real."

I felt my eyebrows draw together. "So you like it?" I asked.

He smoothed his hair back and sat forward. "Like I said, I'm not in the industry and don't really know a whole lot about how it works but this is good stuff."

My face lit up with a cheek-splitting grin. "Awesome. That's exactly the kind of reaction I wanted. Hopefully Johnny will feel the same."

"He will."

"So, what do we do now, doc?" I asked, taking a seat in the chair again. "Well, you said you're leaving for Florida tomorrow. I'm assuming you'll go back to Los Angeles after that?"

I hadn't really thought about what I was going to do, but LA seemed the most logical. "Yeah, most likely. Do you know anyone out that way I can talk to?"

"Do you think you need to keep regular sessions up?" he questioned, examining his notepad.

I shrugged. "Maybe. But I'd rather keep talking with you. Is there any way we can do that?"

"Sure. I really don't think you need to see me, or talk to me, as much as we did this week but, a phone call once or twice a week just to check in couldn't hurt. Does that sound alright?"

"Yes. I'd be more comfortable talking with you as opposed to someone out in LA. Besides, I trust you. I'm not sure I'd trust any of them."

He laughed. "Those LA doctors can be just as nutty as the patients."

"Hey! I take offense to that." I yelled.

"I wasn't talking about you. You're pretty normal as far as former popstars go. Then again, I haven't talked to too many in all my years of work. Who knows? Maybe you're loony and I should be having you committed." He teased.

"Now you're just being mean."

"My apologies. But seriously, you just had a broken heart and a few issues that you needed worked out. Have you ever tried keeping a journal? That might help you get your thoughts out-the ones that you don't want put into a song, you know?"

"Not really. Are you suggesting I start one?"

"It couldn't hurt." He glanced at his watch and back up at me. "I hate to cut our session short but, I've gotta run and pick up my grandbaby from daycare since my son couldn't do it. Did you want me to come back?"

I shook my head no. Cutting the session short was fine with me; I wanted to get back to work on my new song. And I needed to call JC and finalize plans for meeting up with him in Orlando tomorrow.

"Alright. Well, you take care. You've got my number. Feel free to call anytime you need me." He surprised me by leaning in and hugging me.

"You're going to be just fine, Justin." He said reassuringly.

"Thanks Doc." I replied, patting him on the back. "I'll let you know when I get that song recorded for your daughter. I'll talk to you soon."

When he left, I turned back to the lyric notebook that was sitting on the desk.

Flipping it to a new page, I put a pen to the paper and began to write.

The puzzle pieces of my life are finally fitting back together. True they make a different picture than they did before, but I have a feeling I'm going to like the end result. I think there's always going to be that one missing piece that got lost somewhere in a couch cushion or sucked up in the vacuum cleaner, but I'm willing to accept that this picture is going to be slightly flawed. No masterpiece is ever perfect...and I can finally say that that's ok with me.