“What’re you thinking about?”

I ignore her. This is ridiculous. Why in the world did I do this? I never do this. I never have sex with fans…well, not fans that wait outside hotels for me anyway. Those are the worst kind. This is crazy. It’s crazy because I wasn’t even drunk…or high when I decided to invite her up here with me…it was my choice. I shoulda just had some fun with Deja…this wasn’t worth my time.

“Justin?”

I’m still ignoring her. Crap, I hope she’s really nineteen…or if she’s not…I hope she’s on birth control.

I hit her…Deja I mean. I still feel shitty about it. I’ve felt shitty about it since it happened. She’d never know it though. Not with the way I treated her today. And I really meant it when I said I never should have gotten her into this whole thing…I shouldn’t have. Nobody should have to put up with what she has to. Maybe…I’ll try to make it up to her…that I hit her. Yeah, I think I will. It would be…nice. Yes. Nice. But, what the hell could I possibly do to make something like this up to her? Maybe I’ll just ask her what she wants.

“Are you mad at me Justin?”

Lord, is she still here? I look at her. Jesus! Britney…how the fuck? I blink my eyes several times. Britney’s gone. It’s that girl again. Christ…what the hell is up with me? Now I’m hallucinating. Great. This is great. I only have to face fuckin’ Clive and half a dozen other record execs tomorrow morning. No big deal right? If any of them turn into Britney…I’ll just try to blink ‘er away.

Crap. This isn’t good.

“Justin,” she says. Jesus, she’s crying. I’m kicking her out. This is too much.

“Okay…look.” I tell the girl. “I’m not mad at you.”

She smiles. She’s relieved. “Do you like me?”

What a psycho. “I think you should go,” I tell her. I get out of the bed and slip my shirt over my head. “It’s been fun.”

“Huh?”

Here we go. “You should go.” I repeat.

“But…”

Lord. “Get your stuff.”

She continues to sniffle and cry and carry on until I take it upon myself to pack up her stuff, and shove her out into the hallway. It’s a good thing she’s already dressed. “Thanks,” I tell her, flashing her a small smile.

“Wait…”

I close the door in her face. I laugh. That was wrong. But really, why should I give a fuck? She knew what she was getting into…it’s not my problem if she didn’t like it. I tell Deja that a lot too…that she signed the paper and it’s not my problem if she doesn’t like what goes on.

I shouldn’t have hit her. I really shouldn’t have.

I sent Deja out to pick up some sunglasses to hide the bruise on her face. I couldn’t bring myself to go with her. It would have made the guilty feeling much worse than it already is. She’s been gone for a couple of hours now. I don’t blame her. If I were her, I would probably want to stay away from me too. Maybe that’s why I did it…had sex with that little hoe. I was alone…I felt useless. I wanted to feel needed again...so I went downstairs with Eric and picked one of them out of the crowd.

It was a bad decision.

That girl only wanted to feel my dick inside her. Just like every other girl that I’ve ever been with, including Britney. She said she loved me…that she wanted to be with me forever. It was all a bunch of shit. She wanted to be with Justin Timberlake…she wanted to be seen with me at award shows…at clubs…she wanted me to make her bigger than she already was.

And it worked too.

I haven’t let myself trust another woman since her. I mean…I loved her. Not just loved like…a physical kind of love. I mean, I really loved her. My heart and soul belonged to her. I knew I was going to marry her…I knew I was going to have my children with her. I knew I was going to grow old and die with her. But you know what?

I didn’t know shit.

I don’t look for relationships anymore. I just have a Deja. Deja isn’t like the rest. I know why she’s with me…she’s with me because I put her here. I don’t have to lie awake at night and question if she’s with me for me or with me for my bank roll. In a way, it’s the perfect relationship. She’s obligated to me…she’ll never be with anybody else…she’s mine. I don’t know how I’m supposed to let her go when the contract is up. I’ll be so used to her by then, I know I won’t have enough strength to just let her leave and be on my own.

Maybe I’ll just offer her some more money, and extend the contract until 2004. Yeah, that’ll work.

The door opens. Deja walks in. It’s a good thing I kicked that girl out of here. I mean, I know she knows I have sex with other women besides her, but it would have been embarrassing to be caught in the act. I know she already has a low opinion about me…no need to be going and making it worse.

“Here,” she says, tossing the credit card on the bed. “Sorry I took so long.”

“Where the hell were you.” I grumble.

She drops her shopping bag on the floor. “I went to Sunglass Hut, and then I took a peek in Coach. Sorry.” She mumbles.

Why do I act like everything she does is a fucking crime? I hate myself. “It’s fine,” I mutter, sitting down on the bed.

She’s staring at me. It’s that shocked look again. I almost laugh, but I quickly recover. She always gets that shocked look on her face when I’m a little bit nice…or understanding with her. I wish I could let her see me…the real me. The real me jokes around…the real me laughs, and smiles…the real me doesn’t treat women like garbage.

I can’t be that way with her. She’ll just end up taking advantage of me…

Like the rest.

“Trace was downstairs,” she yawns, taking a seat on the chair by the window. “He wants to know if you’re going to meet him for dinner.”

Right. I knew I forgot something. “Yeah, I almost forgot.” I pull out my phone and begin to dial. “Thanks babe…”

That slipped. It fucking slipped. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I look at her. It’s the shocked face again…times a million. I hear Trace pick up on the other end of the line. I hang up. I can’t possibly get any words out at this moment. The phone starts ringing after a few seconds. I ignore it.

“I thought I was a tramp,” she says. “I thought…”

“Shut up.” I tell her.

“I thought you were too good to be like that with me.”

She’s making me angry now. “Just shut up Deja.”

She starts to laugh. “You’re ridiculous.”

She shouldn’t have started to laugh…she should have shut up, like I told her to. I’m not sitting anymore, I‘m standing in front of her now. Christ, I don’t want to hurt her…My hand is in the air. She’s shaking…cowering before me.

“Don’t!” She screams.

She’s crying.

Crap.

I make myself lower my hand before I end up hitting her again. “I…”

She runs into the bathroom. The door slams shut. She’s probably locked herself in again. I think they fixed the door today. It’s fine. She can stay in there.

I would lock myself away too if I were her.

I guess I’ll just go to dinner now. No sense in staying here, and making her more upset.

Damn.

*********************

It’s one in the morning…I came out of the bathroom a little while ago. Justin’s back, but he’s sleeping. I still don’t know what the hell happened. One second he was being the usual dickhead that he always is, then he was calling me “babe” of all things. It was weird…so weird that I laughed at him. Yeah, that was the wrong choice. But at least he came to his senses before he ended up hitting me again.

The sunglasses cover the bruise well. I iced it this afternoon too, while I was locked inside the bathroom. I think it helped, because it looks a lot better than it did this morning. Hopefully, after another twenty four hours go by, I won’t even need the damn sunglasses anymore.

Tomorrow…tomorrow is Wednesday. Four more days until we go back to Tennessee. I can’t wait. I’ve never been to New York before…but after this trip, I never want to come back. Justin has officially ruined this trip for me. More so than I imagined he would have.

But hey, I got a neat Coach pocketbook and a pair of Gucci sunglasses out of the deal.

Tired now, I change out of my clothes and into my pajamas. I try to slip into the bed as smoothly and as quietly as I can. I don’t want to wake him. I’m not in the mood to be groped by him tonight.

“Hey.”

Damn. It figures. “Hi,” I whisper. Maybe I’ll get lucky and he’ll fall back to sleep.

The light goes on. No, he’s not going back to sleep. “You alright?”

He’s not too swift. I pull the covers over me and close my eyes. Maybe if I keep them closed…he’ll think I fell asleep.

“Deja.”

I don’t answer. Sleeping fool…I’m sleeping.

“I know you’re not sleeping, Deja.”

My eyes snap open. I want to scream. “What now?”

He sits up in bed. “I need to…ask you something.”

Weird. He’s acting so damn weird. I don’t say anything…I just stare at him. He…

He smiles at me.

“Jesus,” I blurt out. Great.

“Girl, you look so funny when you stare at me like that,” he says, still smiling.

I’ve never seen him act so much like a normal human being before. It’s scaring me. I’m nauseated. Maybe he’s acting this way on purpose. Maybe he’s trying to see if he can drive me absolutely out of my skull before this week is up.

“I wanted to know,” he continues. “If there’s anything I can do…for you.”

Okay…I think I’m gonna puke. “Huh?”

“I…feel bad about what happened today…and the other night,” he tells me. “I just wanted to know if I could do something for you,” he looks away from me. “That’s all.”

Maybe I’ll just kill him. I’m sure I could plead insanity and get away with it. “Do something for me?” I stammer. I’m trembling. Partially from anger and partially from my nerves being so shot. “You want to do something for me Justin…fine. You can start by treating me as a member of the goddamn human race!”

He won’t look at me.

Maybe he’s changing…although I have no idea why he would be now. Before…when he tried to hit me again, he was acting like he always has. What’s different about right now? Why does he feel bad now? Maybe I was wrong about him. Maybe the guy just has problems…

That’s still no excuse for the shit I’ve been putting up with for two months.

“I just wanted to be…nice,” he says. Nice…the word sounds so foreign coming out of his mouth. “You’ve been putting up with a lot. Just tell me…anything you want, I’ll do it for you.”

This is so weird. Anything? A million different things run through my head before I remember the most obvious thing on my list. Jade. I need to see Jade. “Jade,” I tell him.

He cocks his head to the side. “Who?”

“My friend…the one I lived with,” I explain. The look on his face is telling me he doesn’t have a clue what I’m talking about.

“Oh,” he nods. “Well…yeah. What…do you want to see her or something?”

I nod my head vigorously.

He smiles again. “You got it. When we get back…the first thing I’ll do is have her come to the house.”

So weird. “Uh…thanks,” I get out. Part of me wants to smile and think good thoughts about him…but the other part of me is telling me not to believe a word out of his mouth. The other part of me is saying that the moment we get back home…he’s going to act like he never promised me anything.

I’m not going to hold my breath.

“C’mere.” He whispers. The lights go out again.

I feel his lips on my neck moments later. He’s going to get his way. But I’m sure I’m not going to get mine.

I give into him…but that’s normal. The only normal thing that’s happened all day.

Weird.

*****************

“This one?”

Justin’s nervous. He shakes a midnight blue jacket at me. The thing probably costs as much as an efficiency apartment in Soho. He’s going to some business meeting. I’m not sure what its about, and I don’t bother asking. All I know is…it’s really important. So important in fact, that he has stooped so low as to ask me what to wear.

“Deja…come on,” he barks, throwing the hanger on the bed and pulling the jacket on. It looks ridiculous with his gray t-shirt and boxers.

“That one’s good,” I yawn.

“Don’t lie to me.” He shakes

I roll my eyes. “I’m not lying. I said the jacket is fine. Just find the right pants and you’ll be golden. Believe me or don’t believe me…I don’t care.”

“You yawned,” he points out. “You yawned when you said it was fine. What‘s that supposed to be telling me Deja? That I‘m boring?…That this outfit is boring? I‘m not supposed to be boring…I‘m supposed to be fresh…hot…the biggest thing out there.”

I’m trying so hard not to laugh at him right now. Not only is he an egomaniac…but he has the personality of a five year old as well. I can’t help myself…I let a giggle escape me.

“Don’t fucking laugh at me,” he seethes, wrenching the jacket off and throwing it at me. I catch it with one hand and smile, smoothing it against me.

The sex was great last night. I can tell he enjoyed it as well, because he’s in one of his “good moods” this morning. Yes, this is a good mood for him. Probably his best…around me anyway. “Justin, you’ve been in this business forever. You know what to wear and what not to wear,” I inform him, laying the jacket on the bed. “You don’t need my opinion.”

“Oh…so I’m wrong because I’m asking you for your opinion?” he snaps. “You’re a little bitch, Deja.”

He’s ridiculous. So ridiculous that I laugh at him. Yea, he’ll probably take a swing at me again. It’s fine…well not really. But I know I’ll get over it easily. I’m used to it.

“Bitch,” he repeats then turns toward the open closet and finds the matching trousers.

I get up and start away from him. It’s not long before I feel him behind me. He grabs me by my upper arm and spins me around. I don’t make a sound. I smile. “Do you feel better now Justin?” I ask. “Are you in control again?”

He is silent. Oh, have I struck a chord? “Are you?”

“F-fuck you,” he whispers. “You don’t know shit.”

There’s a soft knock on the door. “Hey, you better get your ass in gear, boy,” sings a voice from the other side. “You got places to go, people to see.”

“Shut up, Trace,” Justin hisses at the door. He glares at me, then tromps toward the bathroom.

My gaze lights on the jacket, the trousers, then the closed bathroom door. A slow smile creeps across my face. I finger a strand of my hair as the realization hits me.

I’ve just won a round.