Spending the evening with Kelly and the other girls, made my night interesting. I’m glad they decided to come and spend time with me, because if they didn’t, I would have been all alone in this hotel room, watching some stupid movie on the television. They were all really nice to me…really accepting. And they didn’t really seem too curious as to how Justin and I came about in the first place. The most they asked me was where I was from and how I met Justin. And I told them…Tennessee…and ‘at a club’. That wasn’t a lie, and I was glad it wasn’t. I want to befriend these girls, because I’m sure tonight won’t be the last time I’ll see them. If they have a good opinion formed about me in their minds, the other guys will get that message too. Then Justin won’t have to worry about what they think.

And maybe he won’t have to act so fake around them when I tag along to one of these events in the future.

After I hurdled past the ‘where are you froms’ and ‘how did you meets’, the night ran pretty smoothly. We talked, laughed, and I got to know them all. They aren’t as stuck up as you’d think for being girlfriends of celebrities. They’re pretty open minded…especially Kelly. I think out of all of them, she’s the one I trust the most…just because she’s been through the most with her boyfriend. I mean, she had his baby…that’s pretty extreme. And I think…I might even be able to trust Joey a little…because if Kelly had his baby, and he stayed with her…it must mean he’s a good guy right?

I guess. Although, I have a hard enough time trying to trust Justin…and his moods. I’m sure I’m not ready to trust one of his friends. Hell, I can’t even trust Trace….his best friend.

I feel a lot better than I did before Justin left for dinner. I’m not nauseated anymore, and actually, I had a piece of pizza a little while ago. Maybe it was one of those spur of the moment sickness things that pass after a few hours. Yeah, I’m sure that’s it. It explains why the feeling left me so suddenly. Well…whatever it was…I’m glad it’s over and done with.

There’s somebody at the door, and I know it’s not Justin because he wouldn’t knock. Maybe it’s Kelly. Yeah. She probably left something behind. I slide out of bed with a smile, and saunter over to the door. I thrust it open, without taking the time to ask who it is.

Why am I so fucking forgetful?

“Hey.” Trace sticks his hands in his pockets and looks down at the ground.

Why is he here? He shouldn’t be. He knows how I feel about him. And I know he feels the same way about me. We hate each other. He’s hated me since the day I set foot inside of Justin’s house. And I…I’ve disliked him from the beginning, and truly hated him since the day he slapped me across the face. “What?” I grunt.

He finally looks up at me. At first he doesn’t speak, he just stares at me…studies me, like he’s trying to figure out something about me that he could never understand before. I almost tell him to stop staring because he’s not going to figure it out. But then he starts to speak again. “Justin wanted me to see if you were okay. You didn’t call him.”

“Was I supposed to?” I ask him, coldly.

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t know what kinda shit goes on with you two. I’m just the messenger.”

I roll my eyes. “Well I’m fine.”

He nods. “I guess so.”

There’s more to this. I mean sure, Justin probably sent him here…but I doubt he would have come here willingly, if there wasn’t more to this. I know I don’t know Trace that well…but judging by the way he acts when I’m around and when Justin is around…I know this guy doesn’t just do things because people tell him to. He’s independent…like Justin. And that’s what makes them so close. “Do you need something?” I ask him regretfully. I shouldn’t be so forgiving. He’s a bastard.

“I just…,” he sighs. “I just…want you to know that….before you…before that day, I never hit a girl before. And…I’ve felt horrible about it…what I did, ever since.”

I stare at him, dumbfounded. Did Justin put him up to this? I can’t be sure…but I seriously doubt it. Justin’s told me before…he’s tried to talk some sense into Trace. He’s tried to make him accept me for who I am, but it just hasn’t worked out. Why is he suddenly apologizing to me? I just don’t get it. “You’re…sorry?”

He bites down on his bottom lip and pulls his hands out of his pockets, clenching his fists at his sides. “I’m trying to be,” he whispers. “But I don’t think sorry is good enough, Deja.” He looks down at the ground again, and chuckles a little. “You must think I’m out of my mind, coming here and apologizing like this. I mean really, what am I thinking about?”

“Trace…this whole thing has been crazy from the start.” Am I hearing myself correctly? Am I actually being nice to this guy? After all the nasty things he’s said to me? After he treated me like scum? Damn, I must be the most vulnerable person in the world. “Justin and I…we’re still trying to work things out,” I continue, stupidly. “What happened between you and I was wrong…but I guess I can’t hate you…right?”

“You can’t?” he asks, a glint of hope in his eyes.

I shrug. “No.”

A smile cracks at the corner of his mouth. “I’m sorry I made things harder for you. I can tell your life hasn’t been easy.” He sticks out his hand. “Friends?”

I shake his hand. “Weird friends,” I chuckle. “Can’t be normal…because nothing is normal right now.”

“Right,” he says, laughing along with me. “Weird friends.”

I withdraw my hand from his. “So where’s Justin,” I ask him, wanting to change the subject before things get even more awkward. “Still at dinner?”

“Yeah,” he informs me. “They were just getting started on dessert when I left them. He shouldn’t be much longer…do you want me to tell him something for you? I’m goin back there for a few.”

“No, no,” I say. “Whatever I need to say can wait til he gets back. Thanks though.”

He lingers in the doorway. I feel like I should invite him in…lord knows I could use the company. I’m bored out of my mind in this hotel room. But really, how would that look if Justin came back? Me and Trace alone in the room? I almost laugh, because I know I could never mess around with Trace. But still, that’s’ not even the point. I know how Justin is…how his moods are. I don’t need to get into another fight with him today.

“Okay girl,” he says finally. “I guess I’ll be seein you then. If you need something and Justin isn’t back, just call 345...that’s my room extension. I’m just down the hall.”

I smile at him again. “Thanks Trace.”

“Don’t mention it.”

The door closes, and I’m alone again. Now, for the first time I feel like everything is going to work out. That I don’t need to worry so much anymore. That I can just be with Justin…maybe even fall in love with him, and it will be okay. Nobody will have anything to say about it anymore, and for the first time in my life I’ll feel loved, and truly happy.

There’s finally a light at the end of my tunnel.

*********

We talked about a lot of things at dinner tonight…my album being one of them. The rest of the guys took the news surprisingly well, Josh talking it up a little bit before I actually told them of course. I was glad that they were willing to listen to what I had to say. I didn’t think they would be after so many years of being a group, and performing as a group. Maybe they realized that it’s time for us to see what each of us can do as individuals. I know Josh and Lance are thinking that way anyway. Josh wants to do his own music, something he’s been working on since I first met him all those years ago. And Lance…he’s still tryin’ to work out that whole space thing. I really respect him for trying to do something like that. I mean, hell…it takes guts to tell the whole world you’re gonna go to space. I know I couldn’t take something like that on. I’m too much of a pussy.

I wonder if Deja would go to space?

Chris didn’t seem phased by the news. But then, I knew he wouldn’t really be phased. I’ve known him too long for him to be upset about something like this. Out of all of the guys, he’s known me the longest…and he understands that this record is a dream come true for me. I know he’ll be there when it comes out, cheering me on as if it’s the greatest thing to ever happen. He’ll be fine, and do his thing, and when the time comes he’ll be there to start things up again with the rest of us. Joey seemed fine about the news too…but I think he’s got a lot of other things to worry about besides me and my stuff. He’s got a baby to think about, and Kelly…I know she wants to get married. And I know Joey’s worried about that. Commitment. It’s hard for him…probably almost as hard as it is for me, except he deals with it a lot better than I ever have.

All in all though, I think I’ve received a pretty positive response from my friends, which is a lot more than I’d originally hoped for. Now all I have to do is record this album…and hope it doesn’t flop.

I silently slip out of the bathroom, being careful not to make too much noise. Deja was asleep when I got back from dinner, and didn’t seem to notice my return. So, I took a shower, and cleared my head a bit. Now though, I wish she was awake. I really want to talk to her and tell her what happened tonight. I want her to smile and tell me how happy she is for me. But I feel bad waking her, so I’ll just get into bed and wrap my arms around her.

And I do.

“Justin?”

I smile a little, and kiss her neck gently. “Yeah babe,” I whisper. “It’s me.”

“Mmm,” she moans. “It’s late.”

“I know,” I say. “Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning.”

But she doesn’t listen. I feel her body turn over, and then I see her gorgeous blue eyes staring back at me in the darkness. “How was it?”

“It was good,” I say. “I told them about the record.”

“Did you?” she yawns. “What happened.”

I kiss her forhead, and then her mouth. “It went well.“ I pull her closer to me and tuck my chin between her neck and her shoulder. “They were happy for me.”

“Well that’s good,” she chuckles, returning my kiss. “I’m still sorry about that stupid fight.”

“Nah,” I whisper, stroking her hair gently. “It was stupid. A stupid little thing…it’s not even important. Do you feel better?”

“Yeah…much. Trace came by…he said you wanted to know how I felt,” she informs me.

I sent Trace over because I was worried about Deja and I felt bad that she was probably all alone. I knew it was risky, but I knew I couldn’t leave that table. The guys and I were talking business, and Trace was the only one who didn’t need to be around to listen. “I probably shouldn’t have sent him,” I say softly. “But I was worried about you.”

“It’s okay,” she reassures me. “We…sort of talked.”

“You talked?”

She laughs. “Yeah. Um…he said he was sorry about, well, you know, everything. And…I guess we’re cool now. I mean, I think we are.”

“He apologized to you?” I say, shocked. Trace apologized? The most stubborn person in the world besides me apologized? This hasn’t happened…ever. Trace doesn’t do this. He just doesn’t. He likes who he likes, and he hates who he hates and that’s it. There’s no in-between. I don’t know what’s gotten into him. Have I changed so much that he’s decided to give in and be nice to Deja? If I have, then I haven’t noticed.

But this is a good thing isn’t it? Yeah. Trace being on my side is a great thing. I mean, if he accepts Deja, the guys won’t have a problem accepting her either. And the rest of our friends will love her. This is a good thing. A great thing…

Man, I gotta talk to Trace and figure out what the hell he was smoking tonight.

“Well, in a sense yes. I mean, we’re cool now. You don’t have to worry about it anymore, Justin.” She cuddles up to me and a moment later I feel her smile against my chest. “Now we can just be…us.”

Us? I feel myself tense up. I know I said that my feelings for Deja have grown…they have. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve been considering making her my girlfriend for a few weeks now. But here I am, in bed with her…the perfect opportunity to tell her to fuck the contract because I care about her and I want to be with her…

But I can’t get the words out.. I’m gonna puke…

“Your hearts racing,” she tells me. “Calm down.”

I can’t calm down though. The very thought of us being together…me sharing parts of myself with her that have yet to be revealed is scaring the shit out of me. What do I do? What do I say to her?

“Justin?”

“Y-yes,” I manage.

“Do you want to be with me?”

Suddenly, the stiffness in my body starts to leave me. I realize that maybe, I don’t have to say anything at all. No, because she’s doing it for me. This girl…this amazing girl. She’s read my mind. “Deja…” I say finally. “I…I do.”

I feel her lips against mine a moment later, and am pulled into her embrace. Then it starts…the passion we have both come to know so well. But this time…this time it’s real. It’s nothing that I could have ever put into that contract. This is pure feeling…this is something I never thought I would ever feel again.

“I could fall in love with you,” I hear her say, in the midst of all this. “You know that right?”

The words are so beautiful coming from her, I’m at a loss for words. For a moment, I simply stare at her, studying the beautiful woman that she is. Then I nod and say, “I’m already in love with you.”

What?

This is crazy. It sounded like something from Days of Our Lives. I’ve been watching that a lot lately. And I know that’s gay too. If Trace ever found out he’d make sure to inform me of this. I must be tired, or maybe…maybe it was that cake I ate. Maybe I have food poising. These couldn’t possibly be my real feelings. I can’t fall in love again. I can’t. I’ll get lost again…like last time.

“You are?”

Shit. I can’t back out now. But I don’t know what else to do, so I move away from her, and hide my face in the pillow.

I feel her hand running up and down my back a moment later, and I look at her. She’s breathtaking, and I can’t help the feeling that begins to grow inside of me again. I can’t just sit here and try to force this back down into the depths of my tortured psyche. This is what I feel for this girl. I love her. It’s too rushed, and I know that…but what can I do? I can’t help it…this is me, this is who I am. And it’s the very reason why I haven’t been able to hold a relationship together...ever. I fall in love too hard…too fast. And I can’t stop once I’ve started.

The hell with it. “I love you girl.” I pull kiss her passionately. “You just…you always know what to do and what to say. You changed me, Deja. And…I love you for that.”

The tears in her eyes glisten in the moonlight that is shining into the room. I know nobody has ever really loved this girl before. She’s been used…abused by everybody, including myself. She’s never been held, and caressed, and told she’s amazing. But I…I’m gonna be the one who’s gonna do all that. I’m going to be the one to take care of her now. I know it…and she knows it. She took care of me once upon a time.

Now it’s my turn.

“I love you too.” I hear her say.

I kiss her tears away, and let her fall into my arms again. We lay back down into the comfort of the bed, and hold each other for awhile. We don’t’ say anything, and I know we don’t have to. We’re content with what’s happened…and anything we could say right now would only ruin our special night together. I hear her start to snore a little, after some time, and I know she’s fallen asleep. The steadiness of her breathing eventually lulls me off to sleep as well, despite my attempts to stay awake, the wonderful thoughts I have of her still fresh in my mind.

***********

We stayed in LA for an extra week. Justin felt that we needed the time to ‘bond’ and ‘really get to know each other inside and out’. I wasn’t very optimistic about his idea, because I felt that I knew enough about my boyfriend to go home and find out more about him there. I told him that too…and he laughed at me. Looking back on it now though, I’m glad we stayed. I’d never been to California as it was, and Justin took advantage of that. Being who he is…we had access to all the exclusive restaurants I used to hear about on E! and Access Hollywood. He took me to this one place, lord help me if I can remember the name of it now…but it was so beautiful. When you walked in it looked like nighttime…there were twinkling stars and a moon on the ceiling and everything was so magical and beautiful. We even got to sit at this special table upstairs that overlooked the entire restaurant. I was amazed…

Justin told me I would get used to it soon enough.

I don’t understand how anybody can get used to a lifestyle like this, because there’s so much to see and do. You can go anywhere and do anything anytime you want to. The word ‘appointment’ simply doesn’t apply to you…the word ‘reservation’ is unheard of. Justin doesn’t seem phased by any of this…he expects it. But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s been getting treated like this for most of his life. Who knows? Maybe I will get used to it…

But I certainly won’t be getting used to it anytime soon.

Justin is so strong now…so much stronger than when I first met him all those months ago. He can control his temper now, and when he’s angry, he talks to me about it rationally instead of blaming it all on me. I can’t even remember the last time he was angry though…things have been so good between us I think I’ve forgotten most of the bad points in our relationship.

Our last day in California was spent looking at different houses that were for sale. Justin told me he’s been thinking about relocating to Los Angeles because it’s so much closer to most of the people he knows, and because it’s easier to do his business there too. The idea scared me a little, because I’ve lived in Tennessee my entire life, but I didn’t say anything about it. I mean, it doesn’t really matter. Jade won’t speak to me, and there’s nothing else left for me in Tennessee but a bunch of bad memories anyway. I love Justin, and he loves me…so I’ll just go wherever he wants to go.

“Come on girl,” Justin tosses the basketball over to me, then pulls his shirt off, wiping the sweat off of his face with it. “Top that.”

We’ve been back in Tennessee for a week now, and things are starting to settle down. Our relationship has never been stronger, and at times I feel like I’ve been with Justin for years. I’m so comfortable with him, and I know he feels the same way around me. When he first told me he was in love with me, I admit, I was scared…but then…it just seemed to fall into place. I trust him…with my whole heart I trust him. I got sick again the other day, and he was right there by my side. He seemed so worried, and it made me feel a little better knowing that if something was really wrong with me he would be there to take care of me. It made me want to be sick all day…as silly as that sounds.

“That’s O!” he laughs, when my attempt to copy his jump shot fails.

I frown. “It’s not my fault. I suck at Horse.”

“Don’t say you suck.” He plods over to me and plants a reassuring kiss on my cheek. “You just don’t practice enough to have my skills.” He takes the ball from me, and after performing some ridiculously complicated slam dunk move, he turns back around to face me. “But you can learn.”

I roll my eyes. “I think I’ll stick to Cookin’ with Emeril.” Justin and I watch that show every Tuesday night. Emeril is my favorite chef of all time. When I lived with Jade we used to watch him all the time…so naturally I had to pull Justin into my fandom as well. So far, I’ve made every dish he’s prepared for Justin and I…without making it taste funny. Justin was so amazed…because he really can’t cook at all. Norma even told me it was good, and that says a lot coming from Norma because that woman is an outstanding cook.

“What’s it gonna be tonight?” Justin asks me. “I gave Norma the night off.”

“Shish kabob,” I smile. “Cajun style. Remember, I made that last week and you loved it.”

He drops the ball on the ground and wraps his arms around me with a smile. “Oh yeah,” he laughs. “It was hot and spicy like you are right now.”

“That was cheesy,” I say, trying to hide my smile from him. My attempt fails of course, and the smile quickly spreads across my face. Then his lips are on mine and I’m lost in him all over again.

“So remember that house we looked at twice,” he asks once our lips part. “The big one up in the hills?”

We looked at so many houses that day I can’t remember which one he’s talking about. To make him happy though I smile, and say “Yeah, I think so.”

“Good,” he smiles again. “Cuz I bought it.”

“You what?” I blurt out. He bought a house? How can somebody just buy a house…just like that? Oh…wait a second, I forgot…he can have whatever he wants.

“I bought it,” he repeats. “Isn’t that great Dej? Now we can move to LA, and you can get to do all those things you missed out on while we were there. And the place…it‘s only like a half hour from Joeys, and I know you and Kel are pretty good friends now right?”

I nod. I’m still very overwhelmed by his sudden announcement. I mean, I knew we were probably going to move in the coming months…but now…I wouldn’t be surprised if we were packed and out the door in two weeks. It starts to make me wonder…is Justin simply running away from something?

“Deja,” he says, taking my hands in his. “You’re okay with this aren’t you?”

I search his eyes for the truth, but they are unreadable. He seems to truly want this for the both of us…I dunno, maybe I’m just paranoid. “Of course.” I smile softly and kiss him on the mouth. “I just wasn’t expecting you to just…buy a house so quick, that’s all.”

“I’m a spur of the moment kinda guy,” he winks. “You should know that Deja.”

He’s right about that. Justin is too spur of the moment for his own good. It’s the reason I’m here with him now actually. It was his spur of the moment decision that brought me here, and now…it’s his spur of the moment decision that’s going to bring us out to California. Part of me is telling me I shouldn’t’ trust it…

But the other part of me…the part that is desperately in love with him is telling me to say fuck it, and go with the flow.

So I will.