It’s been two weeks since we saw each other, and I miss her more than ever, but it’s been like hell trying to hide my emotions from everybody I know.  When I got back home after that weekend in Chowchilla, nothing seemed different.  Eric was at the guest house, my dogs whimpered and jumped all over me, and I had about twenty five messages on my answering machine, ninety percent of them work related.  I skipped all of those, and went right to the important stuff.  My mom left me a message to call her, but it was a cheerful one and I knew Trace held up his side of the bargain, didn’t tell anybody the truth.  Then there was one from Shelly.  It was tearful, miserable.  She said she didn’t want to see me anymore if I was going to ignore her.

I decided to go with that, let her go, because the moment she found out the truth, which I knew she would, she wouldn’t want anything to do with me either.

Rachael didn’t call, though.  Normally when we have an argument she does, tells me she wants to talk, but not this time.

I know it’s serious with her, this whole thing.  Maybe she really doesn’t want to see me again, but I’m okay with that for right now, as fucked up as it is.

The only person I want to worry about right now, is Samantha.  I really think Ted is going to do a good job, and get her out of this.  When he does I want to be ready.  Ready to help her get back on her feet and live the life she was always supposed to, because she deserves it.

I forced myself into the studio a few times this week, just to take the edge off my nerves.  Writing and creating calms me down, makes me forget everything.  Timb is real happy, says we should be able to send the album out for edits in a couple of weeks, have the whole thing ready by the end of the year.  I wish I could be as excited as he is.  I’ve tried to be, but there’s so much going on in my life right now that the album is almost an afterthought.  When this thing with Sam blows over, I’m sure I’ll start to feel differently.  For now, I’ll just be happy that I was able to create something after the hell I was put through.

“Shelly says you haven’t called her at all.”

I sit silently, change the television channel, but don’t look over at him.

“Justin.”

I sigh.  After everything, Trace still doesn’t get it.  I told him that I was in love with Sam.  He still thinks it’s just something I’m going through.  Something I’ll get over.  He’s wrong though.  This is real, and Shelly is somebody that I could never be with again, despite how much we used to care for one another.  I’m not that person anymore.  

“I know I haven’t called her back.”

“So after a weekend in Chowchilla you’re completely convinced that she’s the one for you.”

I tap the remote on the arm of the sofa nervously.  “Maybe.”

“You know, you didn’t even tell me how it went or anything.”

“I figured you’d make your own assumptions about it.  You’ve been good at that kind of shit lately.”

He scoffs.  “What, the assumption that you’re fucking crazy? That’s not an assumption, J.  That’s the truth.”

I just shrug.  Really, if he weren’t like a brother to me, I wouldn’t even have him over at all.  But I do, because I care about him and about our friendship, even if he thinks I’ve gone off the deep end.  “You could have stayed that day, you know.  Gotten to know her?”

“I’ve told you more than once that I have no desire to do that.  What’s even going on, Justin? What did the lawyer say? Are you like...seriously pushing for this?  Didn’t it occur to you at all...what she’s done?”

This time I look at him, right in the eyes, and he can tell that this was never a joke to begin with.  “He’s working on getting her a new trial.  I should hear more in a couple of days.”

“And when she gets out, then what?  Are y’all going to move in together?”

“If she needs a place to stay.”

He’s completely silent after that, and I know I’ve freaked him out.  Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time and I doubt it will be the last.

“Trace, look...she needs somebody.  She’s always needed somebody, and it just turned out to be me...”

“You’ve gone way too fucking far.”  He pushes himself up from the sofa and stands before me, his eyes narrowed, his arms crossed.  “I mean, I thought you were just going to visit her, have her talk to this lawyer, and leave her on her own from there.  Now you’re about to bring her around us? Into our lives, Justin? What about your folks? What about the family and the rest of us?  Do you really think we’re going to fold up and accept her?”

“It’s not about you,” I manage after a moment.  “This about me and Sam.”

“You and Sam.” He lets out a bitter laugh.  “What, are you a couple now?”

I don’t say anything.  It wouldn’t matter if I did, because he’s not going to accept Sam, ever.

“I have to talk to your mom, Justin.  I don’t want to, but I can’t let her find all of this out the hard way.  If you respected her at all, you’d be the one to sit her down and tell her what’s going on, but I know you won’t do that.  Nothing about your family matters to you anymore.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is.”  He says it angrily.  “I won’t allow you to let this girl destroy your parents, or any of us, and I think if you go through with this, you shouldn’t count on any of us being there for you.”

I knew this would happen.  Sam even said it would, but I didn’t care then and I don’t care now.  I love my family and my friends, but Sam...Sam doesn’t have anybody else except for me and I won’t let her down.  Not now.  “I’m not counting on it, but this is something that I need to do too.”

He doesn’t say anything else to me, just lets out a bitter laugh, and storms out of my house.

When the door slams, I know I’m completely alone in this.  Out of everyone, he said he would be here for me because I was his best friend.

Now he’s not.

But that’s okay.

My cell begins to vibrate on the side table next to the sofa, so I decide to move on to the next thing.  Won’t do me any good to dwell on Trace, because he’ll never change.  “Hello.”

“Justin...Ted Hallbert.”

“Oh, hey.”

“We’ve been granted a hearing.  They’re going to make a decision about giving Sam a new trial.”

I sit back, let out a huge breath and for the first time since I saw her, I can’t control my smile.  “That’s...that’s great!”

“The judge was a little reluctant, but I think we won our way in with a little speech about Sam’s civil rights.  We’re going to do it next Monday, ten am.  I can’t guarantee the media won’t find out about it before then.”

“I’ll be there,” I say, seriously.  “I don’t care who’s there.”

“Bill Garner is also going to be there.  He wants to make a statement.”

I sit up slightly, feel my heart begin to beat a little faster, because I know it can’t be a good thing.  “What kind of statement?”

“I ran into him today.  He made it pretty clear that he has no intention of letting Samantha get out of prison if he can help it.”

“I figured he would be pissed.”

“He may try to contact you.  If he does, make sure you don’t say anything.  Tell him at the advice of council, you aren’t allowed to speak to him about this case.”

I swallow hard.  It won’t be easy talking to Bill that way, even if I am trying to play his opinions off as nothing.  The man saved my life, and now...it’s like I’m slapping him in the face.

But I care about Sam, so I don’t have a choice.

“I can do that.”

“Good.  I’ll be in touch.  Just hang in there and don’t hesitate to call me if you have any issues.”

“Thanks.”

He hangs up.  I sigh, lean back, squeeze my eyes shut and open them again.  This isn’t going to be easy.  In fact, I’m willing to bet this whole thing is going to turn into a big media circus starting next week.  I knew that going in, I guess.  What happened to me was nation wide news, and now...I’m trying to spring one of the people responsible from prison.

It’s no wonder everybody thinks I’m crazy.

But they don’t understand.

Nobody does.
*************
I haven’t answered my cell in days.  My mother has been trying to call non stop and I’m sure it’s because Trace talked to her, told her what’s going on.  I guess I can’t face her.  I’m not ready to hear her cry again, tell me that she doesn’t know what’s wrong with me.  It would hurt me too much, might persuade me to change my mind about all of this.  I won’t do it, no I can’t, because I love Sam.  I really do.

At the same time though, I know if I don’t talk to her by phone, she’s going to show up here at the house, furious.  That’s a version of my momma that I really don’t like to see, but there’s nothing I can do to stop her from coming here if that’s what she wants to do.

I’ll face that issue when the times comes.  Today, I’ll concentrate on other things.  Maybe do some work, make some business related calls.  Yeah...anything to take my mind off of all this shit for awhile.

Besides, Sam is going to call this afternoon.  It’s her day.  I’m looking forward to it.  She was transferred to the new facility last week.  She wrote me a letter, says it’s really good, better than the last place.  Much cleaner, and the people are nicer.  She said her brother came to visit, but that she would talk to me about it when she saw me again.  All I can guess is that he knows what’s happening, and thinks I’m just as crazy as everybody else does.

I’ll handle him when the time comes, too.

“Justin.”

Eric’s voice comes through the intercom in my bathroom while I’m getting dressed, and I stagger over, my shirt half on, nearly tripping over a towel I threw on the floor.  “Yeah?”

“Someone’s here to see you.”

“Who?”

“Agent Garner.”

Shit.  Really, here at my house?  I figured he’d call, want me to come to his office.

Then again, I’m sure he’s angry enough to make the trip here to see me.

“I’ll be down in a minute.”

I lay my palms flat against the countertop, give myself a long look in the mirror.  I’m surprised at how tired and withdrawn I look.  I thought I was doing better.  I felt better...but I guess...I guess maybe I’m not doing as well as I thought.  I look like I’m slipping again, like I was in the beginning, but I don’t understand why.  Still, there’s no sense in hiding up here in my room.  I know I have to face Bill, even if I’m not going to talk to him about Sam.
At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.  

I finish dressing, and I slowly make my way downstairs.  I find Bill sitting in my living room with a cup of coffee that Eric obviously fixed for him.  My bodyguard is no where to be found though, and I’m assuming he went out to the guest house so we can have some privacy...only I wish he had stayed.  If I’m alone with Bill, there won’t be any witnesses when he shoots me dead.

“Hey, Bill.”  I plastered a smile on my face as I walk towards him.

“Cut the crap, Justin.”

I stop in my tracks, and feel my smile fade away.  He has this look on his face that’s a mixture of anger and sadness.  I know I’ve let him down, but I can’t help that.  “Look, Bill...”

He slowly puts his coffee down on the table in front of the sofa, and gets up, steps right up to me so his face is inches from mine.  He’s almost taller than me, and I feel myself shrinking back, afraid of what he might do.  

“Do you realize what you’re doing?”

I turn my back on him quickly, before he can stop me.  “I can’t talk about this with you.”

“I know that.  But I didn’t come here to talk about it.  I came here to prove my point, and move on.”

I glance back at him.  “What are you talking about?”

He says nothing, just pulls a small recording device out of his pocket, and clicks a button to make it play.  

“Why are you doing this?”

My eyes widen when I hear my mother’s voice.

“Just shut up! Shut up and listen otherwise I’ll go stick a knife in your son right now! Is that what you want Mrs. Harless?”

She begins to sob after Sam says it all, and I feel like I’ve been hit with a ten ton weight.  I have to sit down.  She never told me, and I never thought she was capable of talking to somebody that way.

“Turn it off,” I say to him darkly.

“Get the money, Mrs. Harless.  Get the money on time, or else you’ll never see him again, and I can guarantee you’ll never find the body.”

“TURN IT OFF!” I yell it this time, get up, and charge towards him.  He’s too quick for me of course.  Years of being in law enforcement has taught him well, and before I know it I’ve been slammed up against the wall.  I struggle, but he has me pinned, and I find that the only thing I can do is whimper like an idiot.

“Is that the kind of person you want in your life, Justin,” he says softly, his face in front of mine again.

I don’t answer.

He shakes me.  “Answer me.”

“That’s not her,” I whimper.

He finally lets me go after a few more moments, with disgusted look, one he would give to a criminal.  “That is her, and if this is the only way to get through to you, then so be it.  Your mother called me, and that’s the only reason I’m here.  Now get your act together.  Fire this lawyer and call this whole thing off before things get worse.”

“I won’t do it.  You can pull out all the tapes you want, but I’m not backing down from this.  She doesn’t belong in prison.  It wasn’t her fault.”

He just laughs, shakes his head bitterly.  “Then you’re on your own, Justin.”

“You think I don’t know that already?”

He walks to the door, and pauses when he swings it open.  “I’m not sure if you’re grasping it, no.  You’re about to lose your friends, the support of your family, and most peoples respect for you.  After everything you went through, and everything people did to get your life back on track, I thought you would have understood why Sam belongs in prison.”

“Well you underestimated me then.” I cross my arms.  “Are we done?”

“Yeah.”  He nods.  “We are.”

He walks out, the door slams...

And then I know I’m completely alone.