My brother is disappointed in me.  That day that I called Justin only to get his machine, killed fifteen minutes of my phone time.  By the time I called Craig, we had just a little over ten minutes to talk.  He asked what had kept me, who else I called.  I told him I was just late.  He didn’t buy it.

He told me to call him when I was ready to tell him the truth.

I guess he deserves it, after all I’ve done.

Right now though, he’s seemed to drift to the far corners of my mind.  I can only focus on one thing...one person at a time.

Right now, that person is Justin.

“On your feet.”

It was early, too early.  Not call day, hell, not even shower day.  I stared at the guard nervously for a few moments, and when I saw another one behind him after the door opened, I started to lose it.  I was confused, just wanted to be left alone to rot in my cell so I couldn’t hurt anybody else.

“What’d I do?”

The handcuffs were placed around my wrists.

“The warden wants to see you.”

I didn’t get it.  My case had been open and shut and I went into solitary confinement willingly, determined to make the best of things, and she hadn’t contacted me since.  I figured she didn’t have a reason to.  I did what I was told, behaved for the guards so I wouldn’t have a problem being transferred when the time came.  I started to think that maybe she wanted to talk to me about my transfer.

But something in my gut said otherwise.

The guard tapped on the closed door when we reached it, keeping one of his hands clamped around my upper arm.

“Come in.”

He pushed the door open and lead me inside.  She was sitting there at her desk, just waiting for me.  She looked pissed off.  More so than I’d ever seen before.

The guard guided me down into the chair that sat in front of her desk.  

“I’ll call when I need you again, thank you,” she said to the guard.

He nodded and left us.  The door closed.  

I was alone with her.

“Samantha, I’m going to ask you a question and I need you to give me an honest answer.”

I swallowed hard and took in a long breath.  “O-okay.”

“Have you made phone contact with Mr. Timberlake?”r32;
She knew and I had no idea how.  As far as I knew, Bill hadn’t said anything to her about it.  He kept that between us, because he knew it wouldn’t fly with the Warden.  I tried to think about how she could have known and the only thing I came up with was that she had looked through my call log.  It made sense, but I had been well behaved.  She didn’t have a reason to be checking up on me, at least that was what I thought.  “I...I called him once but...he wasn’t home.”

She sat up slightly.  “And why would you feel the need to call your victim?”

I shook my head slightly.  Justin wasn’t my “victim”,at least not to me.  Sure, she may have called him that because she didn’t understand the situation, but...he wasn’t that at all.  “It’s not like that...like...he was my prisoner or something.  Nobody gets it.”

“He’s mentally unstable, Samantha,” she nodded.  “He doesn’t know what’s best for him right now, and you making contact with him is only driving him further away from the reality of the situation.”

I scoffed.  “Justin isn’t mentally unstable.  If he didn’t want to talk to me, he wouldn’t.  It’s that simple.”

“Did you know he paid me a visit this morning?”

I felt my eyes grow wide, and my heart started to race.  At first I wasn’t sure if I heard her right, but then...I knew I had, and it was a crazy idea to me.  Justin had driven four hours from LA, probably wanted to see me, and the Warden had most likely turned him away.  “He’s here?”

“He was.  I spent over an hour explaining why he couldn’t have a visit with you.”

“Why?”

She stared at me, the disbelief and shock written all over her face.  “I don’t think I need to explain why.”

“I’ve behaved, done everything you’ve asked of me.  You said I could have a visit...”

“With your brother.”

“Yes, but...”

“If I let you have a visit with him, what will it solve? How will it enrich your time in prison, or make Justin’s life better? The truth is, it won’t do anything but hurt you and possibly confuse him even more.”

“I...”  I trailed off, nearly sobbing then, but forced myself to remain composed.  “Warden Johnson, I need this, and I know that you’ll probably never understand...but Justin needs this too.  Even if it’s the only time we see each other for the next thirty years, at least we’ll have a few minutes to get some things out in the open.  I need that chance, please.”

She stared at me, and for the first time, there was a slight spark of compassion in her eyes.  I knew she was starting to understand that there was more to Justin and I than a kidnapping, but it was hard for her to process.

“I’ll give you an hour tomorrow morning.  That’s it, and not a minute more.  If he hadn’t driven four hours, I don’t think I would be so lax about this.  It’s not in my job description.”

I felt like hugging her, but knew I couldn’t, partially because my hands were cuffed behind me, and also because well...Warden Johnson didn’t seem like the type that liked to hug.

“Thank you.”

“You’re lucky I like you, Miss Albertson.”

I smiled slightly.

“By the way.  Your transfer has come through.  You’ll be in your new prison at the end of next week.  I’ve already contacted the Warden.  He says that he’s going to get you into some enrichment programs, so you can possibly become part of their honor block.  I told him how well behaved you are, and so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Honor block is like a dream come true in prison.  You get two visits a week, have a free run of your cell block except lockdown at night, you get to help people in the community and in some cases, learn a trade, and...the biggest bonus of all, you get to shower everyday.  I was looking forward to that, but couldn’t dwell on it for long.

Because Justin was coming to see me the next day, and I guess I was in shock.  I was in shock that he made that much of an effort to see me.  Everybody knew the Warden wasn’t easily pushed around, but he must have pleaded his case in the most pathetic way possible, so she would give into him.

I went to bed that night, my stomach doing summersaults as I thought about what I would say to him, what he would look like, and if he would be the same I guy I remembered.

The next morning came quickly.  I was allowed to shower, which I was more than thankful for, because I didn’t want to smell like body odor for Justin.  He deserved better than that from me.  While I scrubbed myself to high heaven, I began to think about what he must have been going through.  Did his family know what he was doing? Did his friends? And if they did, how were they taking it?  

I had a gut feeling it wouldn’t have gone over well.  I saw the looks they gave me in the courtroom.  The ones that would have condemned me to death if it were possible.  They hated me, and with good reason, but I couldn’t dwell on that.  It wasn’t about them.  It was about Justin, what he wanted to do, and if he wanted to see me...that should have been his decision alone.  I would support him of course...

But I guess I really wanted to see him too.

“Warden Johnson never lets newbies have contact visits,” the guard explained to me later that morning, as he lead me down to the visiting hall.  “You must be special or somethin’.”

“I guess so.”

He stopped me at the door, smirking a little as he removed my handcuffs and unlocked the door.  “Make the most of your hour.”

He pushed me inside the room, and the door slammed shut behind me.  I was alone, but I knew it wouldn’t be long until he walked through the door.

I’d only been sitting for five minutes when the buzzing sound came and the other door across the room opened.  The guard walked in first, giving me the once over, warning me to keep my hands in plain site while I was having my visit. I just nodded, because I could see who I knew was Justin looming just behind him.  His back was turned towards me...he was talking to somebody.  

And when I craned my neck just far enough to see who it was, I felt my stomach drop.

Trace was with him, arguing with him, and for a brief moment, our eyes connected.  He sent me a look like...like if he could have, he would have killed me.

It made me want to crawl into a hole and die.

But then...Justin was there, and I knew I had to suck it up, force a smile for him because...shit, he’d done so much for me...too much.

He stepped inside, his eyes focused intensely on me and nothing else.  

The guard entered behind him and stepped quietly into the corner of the room so he could keep an eye on me.

My mouth and throat went completely dry.  For a long while, the most we could do was stare at each other, amazed that the other one was there.  Then I realized the clock was ticking, and decided to say something before I was forced back to my cell.  “Hi.”

He sucked in his bottom lip, and slowly made his way over to the table so he could take the seat across from me.  “Hey, Sam.”

He put his hand on top of the table, and I don’t know what in the world made me think it was okay...but I immediately grabbed onto it.

And he smiled.

The first thing I noticed was how wonderful he looked. There were no more bruises on his face, no more blood, no more look of sheer agony in his eyes.  Now they were bright, filled with life, just as they were that first night at the club.  He was getting back to himself...he had to be...

I just didn’t know what seeing me would do to him.  I kept thinking that Bill might have been right.  That talking to Justin was a terrible idea all the way around.

“I’m working on getting you out.”

It was the next thing he said.  His soft smile didn’t waver, and he didn’t let go of my hand.

I just stared at him, speechless for the longest time, before I was able to find my voice again.  “What...what do you mean?”

He straightened up a little bit, threw a casual glance back at the guard before leaning in closer to me.  “I found you a good lawyer.  He wants to help...he’ll be here tomorrow.”

I shook my head and looked down at our intertwined hands before pulling mine away.  “Justin...I’m here for a reason, okay? I mean...what...what made you want to come out for a visit anyway?  You have a life...a family.  None of that includes me.”

He looked at me like I was nuts.  “I’m here because I care about you, Sam.”

“That’s crazy.”

He looked hurt.  “You forgot about the letter already?”

“No..I...God, Justin, I’m a little overwhelmed here. that’s all.  I can’t believe you’re here...and that you convinced the Warden...I mean, how the hell did you pull that off anyway?”

He managed a smirk for me, even though I could tell he was battling with a million different emotions.  “I can be pretty persuasive when I have to be.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I donated a little money to the prison,” he shrugged.  

“Are you for real?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he insisted.  “I wanted to see you, and even though you aren’t acting like it, I know you wanted to see me too...so here I am.”

I just stared at him, shocked that he cared as much as he did.  His eyes searched mine for a while...probably for answers, probably to figure out if I cared about him like he cared about me, but I wouldn’t have been able to give him an answer to that question just then even if he’d come out and asked me.  “Well it’s...it’s good to see you.”

“You look like hell, Sam.”

I knew I did.  That was what prison did to you.  There was no way of making myself look halfway presentable.  It wasn’t an option for me anymore.  “I’ve looked worse.”

He just nodded.  

“Justin I...I can’t have you going out on a limb for me.  You can’t just hire some fancy lawyer to get me a get out of jail free card.  I don’t deserve...”

“You do deserve it!” He exclaimed.  “You deserve the best of everything, don’t you get that? Don’t you get that you’re only in here because of him?”

I looked at the table.  “I could have walked away before...it happened.  I didn’t.  That was my choice.”

“Bullshit.”

I just stared at him.

“He would have hunted you down and killed you.  We both know that.”

I just shrugged.  “It’s still not an excuse.”

“I don’t care what part you played in it anymore.  I don’t.  I only care about you...because I know you’re not a criminal Sam.  You’ve never been a criminal.”

“And your family? What about them? What do they even think about this? I mean...I saw your friend.  That’s Trace right? He looked like he wanted to beat the living hell out of me.”

“It’s not about them.”r32;r32;“But it will be.”

He was silent.  A big part of him knew I was right, but he was trying so hard to push the idea of his family and friends out of his head then.  The only person he wanted to focus on was me and...and I felt he was slipping.  That he wasn’t focusing on the reality of the situation.  In that moment, all I wanted to do was tell him to forget about me, that I couldn’t see him anymore, but when I met his gaze and opened my mouth to say the words...I froze.  

I froze because nobody had ever looked at me the way he was then.  It was a look that forced me to believe his feelings for me were genuine, forced me to believe that...that I had feelings for him too.  

That I might have been capable of loving him, under different circumstances.

“I know it’s...it’s not going to be easy, all of this.  I know my family and friends won’t really accept it, Sam.  I know all that...I’ve been up nights, going over and over in my head if this was the right thing to do.  If it made sense.  In the end, the only thing I knew was that...I still cared about you, and I wanted to see you, just once, to tell you how I felt and possibly get you some help.  I’m prepared to face whatever consequences I have to, you know? I love the people in my life, but I’m not the same person they knew before this.  Being around you feels right, and I can’t ignore that anymore.”

I lowered my head, looked down at the table for a few moments, trying to collect my thoughts and come up with a good response to what he said.  His speech had blown me away, there was no denying that, and I knew...things between him and I were a whole lot deeper than I ever thought.  “It’s going to be next to impossible to get me out of here, Justin.”

“Do you trust me?”

I looked up into his eyes, and felt tears begin to flow down my face.  “Yes.”

“Then you have to be strong for me, and believe things will work out, because I’m going to do whatever I have to.” He smiled and quickly ran his hand down my cheek.  “I’m getting you out of here, Sam.”

And I don’t know why, but I started to believe it was possible.  Possible to get out, have a normal life, and not have to be scared, or depressed any longer.  I put all the anxiety and paranoia that lurked inside of me, to the side.  I only focused on him, and the things about him that made me the happiest.  I found that I felt a little happier overall when I did this, even if it wasn’t realistic.  

He left me that day with a smile, told me he’d be back in the morning with my new attorney.  He hugged me, started  back at me for a few moments like he really wanted to plant his lips on mine, but then the guard called out to us and said it was time to go.

I don’t know why, but I was a little thankful.  I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.  Not with him.

“So, during the first interview following your arrest, Samantha, did you ever ask Agent Garner if you could speak to an attorney?”

“No.” I barely whisper it.  I’m nervous, more than I thought I would be.  This lawyer that Justin hired for me is a fast, slick talker from New York City.  We’ve blown through my case in the matter of a couple of hours, and I guess he feels like he has all the answers, that he can spring me out of prison and all I have to do is play the part of a poor, defenseless half wit who wasn’t in her right mind during questioning and deal making with the DA.  I know what this will do to Bill.  I can only imagine how angry he’ll be when he finds out I’m stabbing him in the back after all he did to make my punishment as easy as possible.

But this is my one shot.  My one shot at freedom while I still have some of my youth left.  I can’t stop myself from taking it.

“Do you think you would have asked for a lawyer, if you’d been sober?”r32;
“Well I was...kind of sober...”

His eyes narrow.  “Samantha, we both know you were going through withdrawal.  There’s no way you could have been in your right mind when Agent Garner questioned you, or when he brought the DA in.  You were provided with a public defender when it came time to make a deal.  Somebody who was more concerned about getting your case off his workload, than what became of your life.   The point is, you were denied your human right to be of sound mind while being questioned, and that...that’s what is going to get your case thrown out of court.  You’ll be granted a new trial, and with Justin’s testimony to back you up, I’m certain you’ll be declared innocent by mental disease or defect.  That means you’ll spend a few months under psychiatric evaluation, and then you’ll be a free woman, Sam.  You just have to play the game and work with me.”

“Sam.”

I look over at Justin.  The Warden allowed him into the prison today with Ted the attorney, since he was the one who brought him in from New York.  While it’s been great having him here, I can’t help being uneasy about the whole situation.

“Sam, look at me.”

I do it.

“Ted, can you give us a sec?”

“Sure.”

Ted steps out of the room, leaving Justin and I alone for a few minutes.  He quickly takes my hands in his and looks into my eyes desperately, as if everything in his world is riding on this one meeting.  “Sam, you have to listen to him.”

I look down at our hands, can’t help but smile seeing them that way, locked together.  “It’s a lie, Justin.”

“It’s not...it’s not a complete lie.  Ted knows what he’s talking about.  I mean, you were out of your mind when all of that happened.  How could you know that you were incriminating yourself...”

“Justin!”

He stares at me, his eyes wide, seemingly in disbelief.

“I knew what I did, all right? Sober or not, I was in the wrong.”

“Don’t you want to get out of here?”

“God...” I sigh harshly.  “Of course I do.”

“Then you weren’t in your right mind when Bill interviewed you that morning, were you?”

“I...”

“Were you Sam?”

“No.” I barely get the word out as I run my hands through my hair.  “Maybe...maybe I wasn’t ready to talk then.  Maybe I should have been able to think it over some more, and clear my head.  If I had...I probably would have asked for a lawyer then.”

He nods, reaches out and squeezes my hands when I return them to the table top.  “Right.”

Deep down, he knows this is wrong too, but I guess I’m too important to him.  He feels so strongly about me that he’s willing to lie, to make somebody that took such good care of him and I look like a fool to his peers.  I wonder, when this is all said and done, if either of us will be able to live with ourselves.

Maybe not, but at least I have a chance to feel guilty outside of these walls, free to do what I want for the rest of my life.

Justin has Ted come back in the room after a few moments, tells him I’m ready to work, to do whatever I have to, so I can get a new trial.  Ted seems delighted, probably because he knows there’s a big paycheck and lots of publicity in this for him.

I, on the other hand, feel sick to my stomach.

“I’ll get the paperwork started.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get you a hearing in a few weeks.  In the meantime, make sure you’re on your best behavior, and I’ll be arranging for you to start seeing a shrink once or twice a week.  He’s a specialist from out of town that I’ve known for years.  He’ll be able to evaluate you and write up a report for the judge that will convince him to give you a new trial.  You don’t need to worry about a thing, all right?”

“Thank you.”  I can barely look at him as he shakes my hand.

“I’ll be in touch.  Justin, I’ll give you a call as soon as I know more, all right?”

“Yeah, absolutely.  Thanks a lot, man.  I really appreciate this.”

They bid each other goodbye, and once Ted grabs his briefcase, he quickly leaves.  

“Ten minutes.” The guard tells us, before shutting us inside the conference cell again.

“See? It’s all going to work out,” Justin smiles and takes my hands in his from across the table.  “I told you it would.”

I smile for him innocently, even though on the inside, I’ve never felt more like a criminal.