Chapter 15

Justin's POV

I have spent so many years, building up the walls around my heart and my life.  I've done anything and everything to keep people out, from truly really knowing me, because whenever I let someone in, I get burned worse than the last time.  It's tiring, exhausting to have to live in a self-imposed isolation, too worried that if someone gets too close, they'll do whatever it takes to crush me.  I'm so used to the pain brought on by the people in my life that I have, in a sense, avoided letting anyone close to me.

I guess that was my thought process with moving to Colorado...a new place, a new start, even for the briefest of moments, just a chance to be me.  Everything about this time off has been for my own sanity, a chance to focus on what it is I want out of life, whether the public spotlight is still in my future, or if walking away now is the only way to end all the misery that accompanies the fame.

It has been those complex questions that have plagued my consciousness for months.  The talks with my mom, with Trace, even my record label have all left me still grasping for some kind of answer that has eluded me.

Struggling to find my way, tonight has been another setback in the reality of my life.  Running into Jessica has brought back all the memories, the heartache, the manipulation, and the pain to the forefront.  Her very presence and ability to get under my skin has me reeling within seconds, and it's something that I am going to need to deal with if I ever want to move forward.  

Yet, nothing has shocked me more than Taylor's reaction to the whole fiasco.  She's someone that has absolutely no stake in my life; no feelings of protection or loyalty are required from her.  Nonetheless though, she stood up, without even thinking about it, to defend me.  And that says a lot about her character and the type of person she is.

Taylor has been understanding, patient, and a much needed distraction from the dark reality that circles my life at the moment.  She's never once pressured me or made me feel like her motives were anything but genuine.  Her ability to trust has pulled me in, thrown me into a bit of a tailspin as to my normal processes and led me straight into a crossroads.

Taylor deserves to know the truth, to fully understand what comes with my life and fame.  She needs to know that my life is anything but beautiful.  It's complicated and messy, full of jealousy and mistrust, and, ultimately, manipulation.  Taylor needs to know these things for her own career; her own life outside of our friendship hangs just as precariously in the balance.  After all, Jessica has made it her personal mission to destroy not only myself, but those around me, and clearly that now includes Taylor.

The last thing that I want to do is jeopardize her life.  She is embarking on an adventure so far out of my realm of reality that destroying that opportunity, just by tainting it with the drama that encircles being near me...I can't possibly allow that to happen.  She deserves so much more than that, and I will do anything and everything to protect her from it.

However, protection comes at a price.  Protecting Taylor means she needs to know...everything.  And that means I need to open up.

Sighing, I brush my hands against my legs, allowing me the chance to calm my breathing and settle my nerves.  Slowly I stand, walking around the large wrap-around couch in the basement and head up the stairs to find Taylor...to explain that what she witnessed tonight is much more than a squabble between exes.

With each step, the nerves pool a little more, my head is telling me to stop, to turn around as fast as I can and run from what I am about to do, and yet, my heart screams louder that this is Taylor.  The woman that, with just a smile, can remind me what it's like to trust.  And it's about time that I put the same faith in Taylor that she obviously has put in me.

Standing outside of her door, I take one last deep breath, the point of no return quickly slipping by as I wrap my knuckles gently across the wood. 

"Coming," her soft voice echoes and the padding of feet on the carpet fills the silence.

Slowly, the door creaks open and Taylor is standing there, clad in a pair of pajama pants, a sweatshirt, and her hair pulled up in a messy bun.  The soft smile that pulls at the corner of her lips brings a sense of reassurance that I somehow needed. 

"Hey," she answers.

I let out the breath that I was holding and a hint of a smile plays across my features.  "Are you busy?"

"Not at all.  Come in," she answers, opening the door wider and allowing me access into what has been her private room since we arrived.  Out of curiosity, I allow my eyes to travel over the enclosed space, the clothes in the corner, a few of her things scattered on the dresser, and finally my eyes land on the open binder on her bed.

Suddenly, Taylor appears by my side, hopping up on the bed and shuffling the worn, tattered pages back into its case and closing it. 

"Everything ok?" she asks, placing the object on the nightstand, barring it from my line-of-sight. 

"Yeah, everything's good.  There's just some things I wanted to talk to you about...if that's ok," I ask nervously.

She eyes me skeptically.  "You're kind of freaking me out a little...it feels like you're about to break up with me or something."  Her humor lightens the mood and I crack a smile at her ability to make me forget.

"No, no breaking up speeches," I explain, climbing up onto her bed.

Taylor situates herself opposite me, leaning against the headboard, her long legs straight out and crossed at the ankle while I settle in near the foot of the bed, my posture mirroring hers. 

"You ok, Justin?" she asks, the concern evident in her voice.

One last opportunity to bail and I swallow it down, knowing that it's the right thing to do.  "I'm getting there, Taylor.  For the first time in a long time, I think I'm getting there," I begin. 

She eyes me suspiciously but chooses not to speak, knowing there's much more to that thought that needs to be qualified.  "About tonight, I wanted to say I am sorry about all of that.  The last thing I ever intended was for you to be caught in the middle, to see-"

She puts her hand up, stopping my apology right in its track.  "You don't have anything to apologize for, Justin.  Obviously there are some underlying issues that I am not aware of...if anything, I should apologize for thrusting myself in the middle of it."

I shake my head.  "You're not in the middle of it and I don't want you to feel like I put you there," I begin, taking a deep breath, realizing that letting Taylor in doesn't necessarily mean she's going to hurt me in return.  "Listen, there's a lot that you don't know about me, my life, or even my relationship with Jessica.  And yet, you stood up for me, defended me without question..."

"That's what friends do, Justin," she answers simply, like it's the most logical answer out there. 

"I know that, Taylor...but...there's more...there's so much more..." I stumble, somehow getting flustered by her easy response.

Suddenly, the bed shifts as Taylor pushes herself further back against the pillows.  "You don't have to explain, Justin.  Honestly, I'm not looking for any kind of explanation."

I can't help but allow her words to really sink in.  She doesn't need me to do this; she was merely defending a friend, nothing more and nothing less.  Yet, if I am being honest with myself, I can't sit across from her and deny that my feelings towards her lie strictly along the friendship line.  Taylor has worked her way into my heart without even knowing it.  The way she so easily gives her trust, her ability to make me laugh, the fierce protectiveness, the loyalty, her drive to succeed with her career...I don't even know when it happened or how it did, but Taylor won a lot more than my faith in her. 

"I know you don't need an explanation, Taylor, but I think you deserve one."

Slowly, she nods her head in ascent, allowing me the opportunity to collect my thoughts before continuing.

One deep breath and a huge leap of faith, I begin, "What you saw tonight...between Jessica and me....that was just the tip of the iceberg from the explosion that happened nearly a year ago.  We've been fighting ever since our break-up.  Mostly me trying to move on, her trying to hold on."

"That can't be easy," she answers, a sympathetic smile on her face.

"No, definitely not.  But things have really gotten ugly about six months ago.  Jessica's been doing anything she can to hold onto me.  Not necessarily the relationship, but the fame that comes with two celebrities dating."  Chancing a glance up, Taylor is merely sitting there, allowing me the freedom to continue without interruption or pressure.  "She's been planting stories about us in the media, tossing around extremely personal information about my family, namely my parents, and finding new ways to sink her claws deeper and deeper into me."

The soft cadence of Taylor's breathing is the only sound that can be heard in the room and it's a comfort to have someone listen without any kind of stake in the outcome. 

"You have to understand one thing...I loved her, she'd been more world for more than three years and when things fell apart, it was like this person I knew no longer existed.  The fame was what she was after, what she still is...and it's getting harder and harder for me to protect those around me from her wrath."

Gently, the soothing sound of her voice pipes in.  "I don't understand, Justin.  If you don't want to be with her, and everything she is spewing in the media is lies...just come out with the truth and move on."

I sigh, wishing it were that easy.  "You don't understand, it's not lies.  Jessica is using information that I told her in confidence to manipulate me to play along.  My personal life is her bargaining chip for my fame."

"That's awful," Taylor answers.  "So I assume she's threatening you with much more than telling the world what you like to sleep in?"

"I wish that was all it was.  It's much worse though.  She's threatening a tell-all when it comes to my parents, their divorce when I was little, how that still affects me at times...Taylor, if that came out, I can't even begin to explain the pain that would inflict on my mom.  And it doesn't stop with my parents, there's Trace, too, me even...everything she knows she's willing to sell to a magazine if I don't continue her games."

A large intake of breath is the only sound the fills the room and I chance a glance in Taylor's direction.  Her eyes are slightly widened, her mouth in a tight line, and her eyes narrow in determination. 

"I don't know what to say, Justin," Taylor begins, her arms crossing in defiance across her chest.  "Other than I wish I would've punched her in the face when she was standing in front of me."

I laugh at her honesty.

"I mean, seriously, who the hell does she think she is?  Threatening you with such private information..."

Taylor's voice is rising with each word that comes out of her mouth and I can already see the protectiveness rearing its head. 

"I don't blame you one damn bit for coming out to Colorado...get the hell away from her."

I smirk.  "Yeah, but it doesn't solve anything and from the looks of it, only fueled her anger more."

Taylor shifts in the bed, pulling her legs up and tucking them underneath her.  "I can't believe she is getting away with this...she's blackmailing you and your family... We have to find a way to stop her, Justin."

"We?" I ask, suddenly curious.

She tilts her side to the side, giving me an exasperated look.  "Yeah, we.  I care a lot about you, if you haven't noticed, and the last thing I am going to do is stand around like nothing is going on."

I can't help but smile; really smile for the first time in a long time.

"I don't know how we're going to do it yet, Justin.  But we'll figure something out," she reiterates, her voice carrying the finality of her words.  "We have to.  There's no other option."

"Thank you, Taylor," I answer, knowing that those words don't possibly come close to explaining the feeling inside.  There's nothing like putting your faith and trust in someone, knowing they return that feeling wholeheartedly.  There's a bond, a strength that grows, and there's no doubt that the relationship forming between Taylor and I is getting stronger by the minute.  "I never would have imagined when I went to Colorado what was in store for me."

She laughs lightly.  "I hope that's a good thing."

"Absolutely," I say, shifting my legs a bit, "it's a great thing.  Listen, I hope I didn't interrupt anything earlier," I mention, gesturing to the binder she placed on the nightstand.  "I didn't mean to barge in on you."

She turns her head, a soft smile on her face as she looks at the old, worn leather.  "Nope, just a little reminiscing."

I nod my head, knowing that it is not my place to pry.

Taylor seems to be contemplating something as her eyes linger on the book.  Her lower lip is tucked in between her teeth, the soft flesh being rolled over and over again and her hands gingerly sneak out as she reaches for the binder.  Gently, she pulls it into her lap, her hands running over the cover in a soothing, comforting gesture. 

"I want to show you something," she says softly, patting the spot next to her.

Slowly, I begin to switch positions from stretching out at the foot of the bed to propping myself up on the pillows next to her.  As I settle in by her side, I can't help but take in the feeling of having Taylor leaning up against me, her warmth a pleasant contrast against my skin. 

She continues to stare at the book before turning her eyes up to meet mine, a sense of openness clearly written on her face.  "I take this book with me everywhere, every race, training session, time off...it serves as a reminder of how I got to where I am today.  It's my motivation to try harder, push a little more, stand a little taller."

She gently opens the cover, revealing a worn cover page filled with hundreds of little blurbs and signatures.  My eyes are trained on the delicate script, the different colored ink, everything blurring together in a mass of words, and yet, they all convey the same message of goodwill toward Taylor. 

"Every person that I have trained with, been coached by, my entire family, my friends...everyone has signed this.  I don't get the opportunity to spend time with them as often as I would like, so this helps me stay connected."

"It's amazing," I respond, totally floored by this opening page.  It's something so small, a few words on a page, and yet, I can tell just by the look on her face how much this means to her. 

"There's more," she begins, starting to thumb through the pages.  "I have kept everything that was ever important to me in the binder, kind of like a visual history of my life.  The races, the qualifiers, the crashes, the success and the heartbreak.  Everything you ever wanted to know is in here."

I feel slightly taken aback, looking at all the memories tucked away into pages.  There are hundreds of newspaper clippings, details on her every race, her crashes, her wins, the medals, and the interviews.  Everything she ever has done professionally is laid out in a collection of sorts. 

"This is unbelievable, Taylor.  You're always able to look back, to remember it all."

She smiles, a hint of sadness on her face.  "Yeah, I remember it all," she says, flipping the page and suddenly the clipping in front of us says One Man Dies in Car Crash. 

Instantly, I know exactly what she's showing me.  It's her biggest disappointment...never knowing her brother before he died.  My body stills in reaction to the paper and gently, Taylor lets her hand smooth over the headline, her breathing slowing. This is her way of opening herself up to me. 

Her soft voice breaks the tension forming around us.  "Tyler was killed in a car-accident.  He was driving home from a date with his girlfriend, just another normal Friday night.  I was in Colorado, training for the Turin Olympics, completely consumed in my life, my skiing, not caring about anything but myself when it happened.  When I got the phone call that Tyler had been killed by a drunk driver...some guy out for a joy ride after too many beers and he crossed the median."

"I am so sorry, Taylor," I answer, reaching my arm around her shoulder and cradling her much smaller body against my own.  Softly, I allow my hands to rub up and down her arms in a comforting gesture.  "I'm so sorry."

"Me too, Justin," she answers, her voice barely above a whisper as her arms encircle my waist.  "I never even got the chance to know him..."

"You can't blame yourself for this...you didn't know."

She sighs, the weight of the world evident in that gesture.  "I know that...I just can't seem to let go of the fact that I didn't make him more of a priority.  Skiing was everything, and it still is...I guess that's why I keep this," she answers, pushing herself upright again and allowing her eyes to fully travel over the pages.  "It reminds me never to take for granted the ones I love."

"You're an incredibly strong woman, Taylor, and I can honestly say that I'm a better person now for knowing you."

She scoffs, a slight smile on her lips.  "I don't know if I'd go that far...but thank you, Justin.  That means a lot to me."

I smile, reaching for her hand and entwining our fingers.  The gesture is meant to be a sign of comfort and reassurance that although we might not understand now, there's a reason Taylor and I were meant to meet, that together we're stronger than we were separate. 

"Will you sign the binder, Justin?" Taylor asks hesitantly.

Hearing her say those words, knowing that Taylor views me as someone important enough to encroach upon her most personal prized possession is hard to even describe.  The warmth from my chest is radiating throughout my body and its clutches are tightening their hold around my heart. 

"I would love to."

Taylor reaches for a pen on the nightstand before flipping the binder back to the front page.  The signatures and well wishes pop out throughout the page and I know that finding the right words will be important.  As I contemplate what to say, I find an open spot in the lower right hand corner before I grip the pen in my hand and begin to immortalize my place in her life.

Keep on believing and don't give in

You've got the strength to raise the win

Remember what one dream can do...

Love,

Justin