Chapter 12

Justin's POV

I've been through a lot in the time I have spent in the business, years upon years of constant work, tiresome studio sessions, dance rehearsals, tour prep, and hours upon hours of time in front of the camera.  Everything about my life has been laid bare, open to the public to gaze in, look around and convey their opinions when it comes to my music, my movies, my dress, and even the relationships that I surround myself with.  My life has always been an open book for anyone and everyone to offer up their two cents, and despite the effort I have put forth to close some of it off, to keep parts of my life private, I have yet to succeed. 

And as I sit in the enclosed space of my recording studio, Taylor's hands running a soothing loop of circles across my forearm, her words ringing in my ears, I have never wanted to keep something so private as I do when it comes to the relationship forming between Taylor and I.  Never in a million years did I think running off to Colorado would bring me face to face with a world class skier and future Olympian, and never in those million years would I dream of befriending someone in her position.

Taylor brings a dangerous unpredictability to my life that if I am being honest, I absolutely don't need right now.  Her stature and the fact that her life is about to pick up steam, people are going to want to meet her, see her race, interview her, and certainly want to know her.  Being that I am trying so desperately to just hold my own life together, I am precariously playing with fire the closer and closer her I bring her into my world.

But the more I get to know her, the more I want to know.

Taylor has this openness, this care-free aurora that surrounds her at all times, and the genuineness in her eyes calms the fears that are telling me to run.  And I know that it's not Taylor that generates this flight reaction in myself, it's so much more, it's the life experiences that have shown me just how dangerous a woman can be.

And I would be blind not to see the woman that Taylor is.

But I've been there and done that when it comes to a physical attraction and I've certainly been burned by falling into that trap.  However, I refuse to categorize Taylor into that group because she's so much better.  Taylor is warm and genuine, her ability to make me laugh and smile with her banter, and the way she can pull me out from under the drama and pressure that constantly encompasses my life at the moment is exactly what I need.

Therefore, sitting in this space, realizing that there is much more under the surface to the friendship that has developed certainly has me on edge.  I have no idea how to process what the hell is going on right now, but I am for certain of one thing, Taylor has brought out a side of me that I have been trying to suppress for a long time.

"Thanks, Taylor," I answer, letting my eyes lift up to meet her own.  "You might not realize how much that really does mean to me, especially coming from you."

She smiles crookedly and releases her hands from my arm, leaning back again in the chair.  As quickly as the mood became serious, she is able to switch it back to her playful ways in the snap of a finger.  "You're welcome and for the record, if the rest of your album sounds like this, it's going to be a monster hit, Justin."

"You think so?"

"Without a doubt..." she says matter-of-factly.  "I'm hoping that you will hook me up with some new material before I head up to Vancouver though.  I can always use some new warm-up music."

I laugh, waving my hand dismissively.  "Consider it done, Taylor."  Reaching forward, I turn off the music, pushing a few more buttons and powering down the massive control board in front of the two of us.  "So, you ready to head home?"

Stretching her arms above her head, my eyes are immediately drawn to the small expanse of skin that shows when her shirt rises.  Trying to clear my head from the image the suddenly popped into my head, I shake my head quickly, pushing down those thoughts before they get out of hand.

"Yeah, I am actually.  Don't take this the wrong way, I have loved seeing your house, getting lunch in Hollywood, seeing where you record your music, and getting a glimpse at all of the awards and recognition for your career but if I am being honest, the only thing I really want to do is sit my ass on a couch and get some rest.  Four in the morning, Justin, is absolutely ridiculous."

I laugh.  "I bet you're up earlier than that for your races..." I answer, standing up and leading the way back toward the door, opening and holding it wide for her.

"Does it look like I am racing right now?  Nope, pretty sure I am on vacation and no one in their right mind gets up that early when they are on vacation."

She walks past me and through the door before I follow, locking the door behind me.  "I would hate to see what you're like when you actually do get time off, you know, like time laying on the beach, hanging with your family and friends, you're probably still sleeping at noon."

"You're damn right I am," she jokes, smiling up at me.  "I'll let you know how it goes once I get back from Vancouver."

"Have you forgotten what life is like after the Olympics?  You'll be doing so much press, showing off your medals."

Suddenly she stops, her hand jutting out and playfully smacking me in the arm.  I reach for the spot where she just connected, rubbing it tenderly.  "What the hell was that for?"

"Go knock on some wood...right now," she commands, pointing toward a tree in the parking lot.  "I am not a very superstitious person, Justin, but the hell if I am not going to take every precaution there is in the book.  Speaking of winning medals even before I get through the World Cup, you're out of your mind."

I laugh, walking over to the tree and tapping on it twice for good measure.  "Happy?"

"It'll do."

I can't help the smile that takes over my face, in the span of about ten minutes, Taylor has made me feel almost every emotion possible...happiness, apprehension, confusion, protectiveness, laughter, and faith. 

As we get back into the car and make the short trek back to my place, I choose to forgo the side entrance so as not to draw attention to the secret alleyway out of my complex and into the side street below.  Knowing that the paparazzi got a glimpse of the SUV earlier, I should have a fairly clear pathway back to my house, being that they have probably disappeared to go torture some other soul.  Pulling the car closer to the driveway, I can see Taylor begin to tense beside me and without thinking about it, I reach my hand out, intertwining her fingers in my own and sliding our clasped hands onto my leg. 

"Trust me, remember?" I whisper, glancing quickly to gauge her reaction.

Surprisingly, the gesture seems to calm her a bit and I watch as she takes a deep breath, pushing her thoughts to the side.  "Won't they be outside again?"

"I highly doubt it.  They think I have been locked up in the house for hours, they've surely moved on by now."

Just then, I make the final turn around the bend and notice that there is not one car or passerby in sight.  We're all clear.

"See?" I ask as I pull the car to a stop at the gate, typing in the code and making the drive up the pathway and back into the garage.

"You're right," she says, reaching for the handle, pulling it open and stepping out.

"About what?" I ask, following her lead and heading toward the door. 

"I need to trust you more."

I smile, that's all I've ever really wanted to hear from her.  Trust has always been something that I have willingly given; even to complete strangers, I guess that is how I have been burned so many times before.  Desperately, I want to see the good in everyone, believing that they aren't out to tear me apart, and it's disappointing that hasn't been the case most of the time.

"Sometimes you know exactly the right thing to say, Taylor."

She smiles as she passes through the open door, walking into the kitchen and into the big, open expanse that is the living room.  As she sits down, she pulls out her cell phone and a grimace takes over her face.  Leaning against the counter, I peer over her, knowing that whatever she just read can't be good. 

"What's wrong?"

Her eyes snap up toward me and she cocks her head to the side.  "It's Rob.  He wants to know how training is going?"

"You should give him a call so that he doesn't worry about you, or even worse, come back early."

"Yeah, you're right."

"All right, well I will be outside, give you some privacy."  I don't bother to wait for a response; instead I turn on my heels and walk toward the sliding glass door.  Heading into the backyard, I can't help but take a deep, cleansing breath. 

The warm California sun is departing with each second that goes by and I can already feel the cool breeze of the night come through and wrap me up in its clutches.  The gentle sway of the wind brings with a flurry of emotions and thoughts, everything spinning quickly in my head, and I walk further into the yard toward the baseketball court.  Reaching down, I grab one of the basketballs and begin the soothing pound against the pavement. 

Playing ball, whether competitively or with friends or even by myself, has always been a cathartic release for me and I smile as I find myself out on the familiar court once again.  Pulling the ball up, I aim for the net and shoot it, watching as it swishes effortlessly through.  Chasing after the ball, I continue the rhythmic dribbling, letting my hands do the work as my head drifts off with thoughts of the woman inside my house.

There's so much about Taylor that draws me in, like a moth to a flame, I find myself wanting to be near her, spending time with her.  She's a breath of fresh air, untainted by the lifestyle with wide open eyes to the world around her.  Taylor brings me a sense of security that has been absent for much of my life these past few months.  She consistently surrounds herself with the people that are supportive, trusting and willing to do whatever it takes to help her succeed in life...something I have been trying to get back to. 

My life hasn't ever really been stable, probably not since pre-*NSync days, and although I have been blessed to live this lifestyle, getting the opportunity to perform in front of millions, I never thought I would sign away what little bit of privacy that I have tried so desperately to hold onto. 

But that's exactly what is looming on the horizon...

Thanks to her.

I have been manipulated, cheated on, lied to, and made a fool of, all because one person has lost touch with reality.  I have opened myself up to someone, without questioning their intentions, believing that what lies were being spewed from their lips were the truth.  I believed it all...hook, line, and sinker.  And now I am paying the price.

I have set myself up for the biggest fall from grace, not on my own accord, but on someone else's desire for what I have.  If I could go back in time, change everything, there's no question that I would.  But unfortunately, that is not the case, and that leaves me with no option but to either comply with their demands or suffer the consequences.

And suffering the consequences is not an option.  I refuse to let those innocent people in my life, my friends, my family...I cannot stand idly by and watch them get destroyed simply because of their connection to me. 

I won't.

And that choice leaves me with the only other option...to go along with someone else's idea of what my life should be.

"So, are you going to actually shoot the ball?  Or just hold it?" the familiar voice quips from the sideline and I can't stop the smile from crossing my face.

"I haven't decided yet..."

"Well, it is getting darker with each second that you think about it.  Eventually you'll run out of light."

"I'll just flip on the outdoor lights around the court."

She sputters to a halt on the court.  "You have this place lit up like a firework, don't you?"

I grin.  "It's possible."

She merely shakes her head as she walks closer, coming to a halt right in front of me and the closeness of her body has me a little on edge but before I can process her movements, she rips the ball from my grasp.

"How about a little game?" she says, dribbling the ball with both hands, looking more like a five year old than the confident Olympian that she is.

"I'm listening," I answer, walking toward the side of the court, reaching for the power board and hitting the switch, illuminating the court in a bright light, merely so that I don't have to mess with it once the sun fully drops from the sky for the night.

"Cute," she jokes, looking around at the court.  "How about a game of HORSE?"

A smirk forms at the corners of my mouth.  "And your terms?"

"Hmm..." she ponders, "For every shot that I make and you don't...you have to answer some more questions."

"And for every shot that I make and you don't?" I ask, knowing full well what her answer already is.

"I'll answer your questions," she says, dribbling the ball once again.  Watching her drop the ball, both palms flattening around the surface on the kick-back, I realize just how unfair this game is going to be.  I'm going to beat her in five shots...that means five questions...and I won't have to answer anything either.  Maybe not a bad gig...

"Deal," I answer, reaching my hand out and shaking hers, sealing her fate.  "Ladies, first...I've learned from Mike, as you can see."

She turns toward me, letting out a laugh before walking closer to the basket and banking a shot off the backboard from just a couple feet away.  "I figured I would go easy on ya."

"Give me your best shot, Taylor," I answer, walking closer to the net and making the same shot without much effort at all.

She nods her head appreciatively before grabbing the ball, walking toward the opposite side and behind the three-point line off on the right side.  "Are you sure you want-" I begin, but shut my mouth the minute she flips the ball in her grasp, spinning it on her middle finger.  The ball turns effortlessly and smoothly on top of her finger, and my breath catches in my throat when I notice the cocky smile adorning her face.

"What the?" I question, confusion clearly evident.

Without so much as a word, she pulls the ball back and throws it toward the net with as much finesse as a pro would.  And it swishes...right through the net. 

"You hustled me?" I ask in disbelief.  "You actually fucking hustled me?"

"Oh, please, I did no such thing," she answers, grabbing the ball and tossing it to me.  "I merely capitalized on your lack of knowledge when it comes to my life."

"Hustled," I reiterate, grabbing the ball and attempting the same shot.  As I toss the ball, the mortification as it swirls around the rim and pops out immediately seeps in, and I don't even want to look at the smug look on Taylor's face.

"Ahhh...was that a miss?  I believe that gives you an ‘H' and me a question to ask," she teases, walking up to where she wants to make her next shot. 

"What's your most embarrassing moment?  Either on stage, at a show, or in everyday life?"

I let out a sigh of relief, obviously she's starting easy, but either way, I'll take it.  I don't know how willing I am to play this game, when it's me doing the answering.  "That's a pretty simple question."

"Then you should have a simple answer..."

I breathe deep and prepare for the humiliation this answer is about to bring me.  "I was sixteen years old and, oh man, I can't believe I am telling you this."

"I'm waiting..." she mocks, jutting her hip out. 

I laugh at her playfulness and realize that I might as well get it over with.  "Anyways, yeah, I was sixteen and thinking awfully high of myself...and, ahem, my abilities."  I can feel the heat rising into my cheeks and Taylor is just watching me in amusement.  "Anyways, I had just got done...ehh...yeah...umm...you know."

Glancing at her, I can already see the horns sprouting up from her head.  "You're going to need to be specific, Justin.  I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, come on, Taylor..."

"Just say the damn word, Justin."

Looking at her hard, I throw all caution to the wind and just blurt it out.  "All right, I had just got done having sex and the girl had been so vocal in my car that someone must have called the police to make sure everything was ok."

Taylor's hand flies up, covering her mouth in amusement.  "What happened?"

"The officer knocked on the window, asking us if we were ok and once he saw our state of undress, he gave me a lecture on public indecency."

"No way." She's laughing hysterically at my blush and moment of pure embarrassment. 

"It gets worse.  The cop felt the need to follow us home, making sure that nothing scandalous happened on his watch.  Needless to say, mom and dad had a huge talk with me after that."

As I finish my story, Taylor is practically buckled over in two, laughing hysterically at my moment of shame.  "That is by far, one of the best things I have ever heard."

"Yeah, yeah..." I answer, a smile on my face.  "Let's keep it moving, shall we?"

After composing herself and lining up again, Taylor pulls the ball back and lets it fly with the same ease as previous and I watch in horror as the ball squeaks through effortlessly once again. 

"Hustled," I mumble as I bring the ball to her spot and follow suit, tossing the ball toward the net.  I watch as the ball crashes against the backboard and then the rim, falling off to the side.

"Ahhhh...another one.  This game could get interesting, and fast," she says, a hint of cockiness laced in her words.  "What's the one thing that you know you couldn't live without?"

I take a moment, shuffling through the possibilities but settling on the one thing that seems to matter the most to me.  Another safe question, another safe answer.  "My mom."

"Really?" she asks, her eyebrow raised.  "Care to explain?"

I realize that just elaborating on that answer opens up a huge door of possibilities and certainly a little bit more of my life.  But when the fear tries to take hold, I push it down, knowing that I can explain this and not worry that Taylor is being anything other than genuine.  Gently, I begin to nod my head in acquiescence.  "It's not that I can't live without her, it's that I don't ever want to.  I realize there will probably come a point in my life where I simply don't have the choice.  But my mom has been the one person in my life, the one constant that has my back no matter what, that loves me and would protect me at all costs.  I don't ever have to explain anything to her, she just gets me, and I absolutely would do anything for her," I explain, running my hand through my hair and looking up toward the hoop to avoid her prodding eyes.

Taylor is standing there, completely dumbfounded by my answer, her jaw hanging open slightly.

"It's your shot..." I tell her, a hint of a smile on my lips.

"Ugghh...yeah, yeah it is."  Obviously I have left her a little flustered and she quickly shakes her head, trying to re-gain her focus. 

However, this time, when she takes her shot from the left side of the court, I watch in victory as the ball runs the rim and falls off the side instead. 

"Ahh...she is human," I quip, grabbing the ball and lining up a shot of my own.

Taylor just laughs, running her hand through her long, blonde hair, fluffing it a bit over her shoulder and pulling it out of her way. 

As I grip the ball and project it forth to the basket, I feel it slip through my fingers, the rough leather texture spinning off my fingertips and I know instantly, it's going in.

We both watch as the ball clears the net and I spin towards her, collecting the ball as I prepare my question.  "What's the one thing you can't live without, Taylor?"

"Hey, I still have a chance to make that shot..." she points out.

"You're already up two.  This is a freebie in my favor."

"Do you always cheat?" she asks.

"Depends on the situation."  I wink and wiggle my eyebrows.  "Now, answer the question, Taylor, what can't you live without?"

"You don't mess around, do you, Justin?  Going straight for the big guns."

"You know it.  I only have so many questions and I plan to use my time wisely."

She tilts her head to the side, nodding it before composing an answer.  "It's going to sound cliché.  But I honestly can't live without skiing.  Does that make me sound like a bad person, you know, you say your mom and I fire back with a sport?"

"Not if that's the truth."

"It is."  She sighs and it's like the weight of the world is released in that one, simple movement.  "Skiing has always been there for me...it doesn't matter what is going on around me, what kind of chaos is circling, I haven't ever turned to it and it reject me or push me away.  It's my comfort and my security.  So I honestly don't think I would be the person I am today without it, nor do I think I would continue to be this person without it."

I stand there, shocked by her answer but reveling in the truth and honesty that she just displayed. 

"Your shot..."

She motions to the board and I take a step back, gripping the ball once again firmly in my palms and launching it, watching as it swishes once again. 

Walking toward me, Taylor takes the ball, giving it a few good dribbles on the ground before positioning herself and making the same shot.

The disappointment is clear the minute the ball leaves her grip, and I find a sick sense of self-worth watching as she misses.

"Fire away, Justin..." she says, sarcasm clearly lacing her words. 

I take a minute to think, knowing that I can either ease up on her or get to know what really makes Taylor tick.  And the more time I spend with her, the more I want to know the woman behind the title.  So, I take a deep breath and go for another difficult question but one that certainly peaks my curiosity.  "What's your biggest disappointment?"

Her head snaps up in my direction and her eyes widen.  "You're really not messing around, are ya?"

"Nope."

"All right, fine..." she takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh.  "I could say that my biggest disappointment professionally is crashing and knocking myself out of the Turin Olympics but that seems pretty typical, and if ever asked that question in an interview, that would probably be my answer."  She stops, eyeing me skeptically before finding something on my face that allows her to continue, "But since it's just you and you seem to be opening the little bits of your world to me, I think it's only fair that I do the same in return."

"I'd like that," I encourage, a comforting smile on my face.

"All right, well, then..." she stutters, "There's no question or hesitation when it comes to my biggest disappointment.  It is not getting the opportunity to know my brother before he died," she finishes, her voice barely a whisper.  Taking a deep breath, she pushes forth and I find myself walking closer towards her.  "I had an older brother...his name was Tyler.  I honestly could tell you every trivial part of his life, what he looked like, where he went to college, and what he did for his job.  But I couldn't ever really go beyond that..." she answers, looking up at me, her eyes wide.  "I never knew him, at least not the way I wished.  I couldn't tell you his favorite color, his favorite music, what he liked to do for fun, or if he'd ever been in love.  I was so focused on myself and my racing, that I didn't make the time for us to get to know one another.  And that has to be my biggest disappointment and regret all in one."

"I'm so sorry, Taylor.  I never would have asked that..."

She waves me off, her hand coming to rest on my arm.  "I never would have told you if I didn't think I could trust you with that information, Justin.  Don't be sorry."

"Still..."

"What's your biggest disappointment, Justin?" she asks, breaking my apology and turning the conversation back around.

"You didn't make a shot..."

She tilts her head in my direction.  "I think we're passed shooting hoops, don't you?"

I gulp; things have suddenly taken quite a turn.  But I realize that the whole point of bringing Taylor out to California with me was to get to know her better.  She intrigues me and everything about her calls me closer.  I can't explain it and I certainly don't understand why this woman has created such a reaction out of me, but for the first time in months, I have someone standing in front of me that is naturally curious to know me, to know Justin better, and not JT.  And as much as I want to give into her, to allow her to really know me, to really see who I am.  There's that voice in the back of my head that replays it all...that replays every hurtful and cruel word that has been shoved in my face from all the previous times that I allowed someone in.  So, I do the only thing that I know how to...I play it vague.  "I have several disappointments, Taylor, and certainly more regrets than anyone should at my age."

"That's really sad, Justin," she says empathetically.

I shrug my shoulders, tucking the ball under my arm and walking toward the court bench, Taylor following behind.

"Do you ever wish you could take it all back?  You know, just be normal?" she asks, sitting down beside me and tucking one leg underneath the other. 

"Do you?"

She seems to ponder my question, starring off into the night sky behind us before she finally turns toward me, her powerful blue eyes bright with wonder.  "Not for one second.  This is my life and my passion...I wouldn't trade it for one second."

I crack a smile.  "I wouldn't either."

Gently, she runs a hand up through her long hair, tying the loose ends in a ponytail at the base of her neck.  "Then why do you have disappointments and regrets?"

Taking a deep breath, the ball fumbling in my hand as I gather my thoughts, I make the decision to put a little bit of faith in another person, and hoping like hell she's different than the rest.  "I don't have regrets when it comes to my career or the path I have taken to get to this point in my life.  Everything that I have ever worked for and dreamed of in terms of a career has been accomplished.  But when it comes to the other parts of life...the important parts..."

"You mean the people in your life?" she asks for clarification, leaning in closer.

"Yeah, the people," I answer, taking a deep breath.  "I have so many regrets; I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"Justin, you don't have to explain it to me..." she begins and I can't help but drag my eyes up to meet hers.  "I'm not here to pry into your life, to analyze and dissect it either.  I can tell this is something that runs deep for you, and I can't possibly sit across from you and ask you to explain it.  That's wrong...on so many levels."

A hint of another smile quirks at my lips and when Taylor notices it, she gives me a questioning look.  "You're right...the regrets and disappointments in my life are something that is hard to talk about because every time I ever have, it's been used against me.  I can't promise you that I will fully let you into my world, but I can say that you're restoring a lot that has been shattered for me, just by being you, and I can say that, maybe one day soon, I'll be able to explain it all a little better."

She reaches out, her hand resting on my arm in comforting gesture.  Her touch is able to soothe a lot of the ache that I feel by not being able to open up one-hundred percent to her.  I have asked her, over and over, time and time again, to show me her world and be exposed to me without the defenses that her career naturally provides, yet as I sit here, everything that has caused me pain and torn me apart these last few months is rushing back full force.  The hurt and the heartache that have been present every day and every moment is bubbling under the surface, reminding me time and time again that the minute I trust, the minute I get hurt.

And even though, sitting her, looking into her open and vulnerable blue eyes, her comforting touch and soothing words, I know that Taylor is unlike anyone I have ever run across before. 

But I've thought that so many times before and been burned to the point that I am surprised that I am still standing.

And those thoughts stop me, once again, from letting someone in. 

Shaking my head, dispersing the warning bells that are firing in rapid succession, I let out a sigh before facing her.  "I'm starting to get cold...you want to go in?"

She smiles, a hint of sadness on her face before she wipes it clear and stands up.  "Yeah, I think it's time we head in, call it a night.  I'm sure you have a lot going on tomorrow."

I shrug.  "Nothing that can't be made better with a little company."

"Mike's coming?" she teases.

"Nice try, hustler.  I was thinking more along the lines of this woman that just happens to be spending the night across the hall from me."

"You'll have to introduce me..."

"Maybe if you're lucky," I answer, wrapping my arm around her shoulder and leading her