Chapter 36
The next week began winter break. The holidays came and went, as did my 20th birthday. I cried through the whole thing. It wasn't that I had a shitty time, it was because I wished Justin could share it with me.I missed him so much. My heart was aching without him. I also thought about my unborn child. I would have been about 7 months pregnant at that point if I hadn't lost the baby. I would often cry about the baby too. It was all I had left of Justin and I lost it too. I truly felt like I had nothing in my life. It was the day after New Years that we decided to take a road trip. It was going to be me, JC, Savannah and Ricky. Louis wasn't able to go because he couldn't get out of work. I was just happy because maybe I'd really be able to find peace with Justin's death and the death of our child. I stared out the window at the countryside whirling past me. JC was driving on some highway. I wasn't really concerned with it though. All I did was think about the life Justin, our child and I could have had. I was ready to cry again. I could feel the tears building up but I didn't want to let them out. The whole reason I was on this road trip was to stop crying all the time. I needed to be strong. The four of us pulled up at a hotel where we would be staying the night. Ricky and I were going to room together and I was glad I was going to be able to talk to him. "Rick…" "What's up babe?" Ricky was lying on his bed, watching TV. I sat down next to him and sighed. "I don't know if I can do this…" "Nat." My best friend sat up and grabbed my hand. "It's for the best. It's going to help you to move on, and in the long run it'll stop that sadness you feel. I know it's hard but you have to be strong." "I don't want to be strong. I just want to throw myself on the floor and scream that I want him back." "But you know he isn't coming back. He can't." "I know…" I whispered and looked down. "I always wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't lost the baby…" "You're gonna make a great mother some day, but not now. When you’re financially ready and you find a great guy, you'll be able to have that baby." Ricky pulled me into his embrace and smoothed my hair. "Right now you have to work on taking care of yourself." "I've been trying…" "Bullshit… look at yourself. You’re skin and bones." I looked away from Ricky, knowing he was right but not wanting to admit it. I lost a significant amount of weight, and being that I was thin to begin with, I looked like a walking skeleton. Many times I had caught my reflection in the mirror and was reduced to tears. My ribs were very much so visible. The few times I had seen my mother she had yelled at me, but it wasn't my fault. I couldn't eat anything and if I did my stomach wouldn't hold it down for long. "Ricky, I'm fine." "No you're not. You look like the walking dead." I burst out crying at this point. Knowing he was right. I had always been overly sensitive about my looks. I always took pride in being pretty, I mean I was never conceited about it, but I knew I was good looking. Knowing that I was destroying myself was really killing me inside. It gave me more incentive to get better. "I'm sorry Nat… I didn't mean to be so harsh…" "It's not that." I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. "It's that you’re absolutely right. I'm a mess." "You’re not a mess." "I am!! Ricky, I just hurt so much on the inside. Why does love have to feel this way? Why did I have to loose him?" "It was his time to go baby. I'm sorry." Ricky draped his muscular arms around me as I cried. It felt nice to be held. I mean I would have rathered that Justin was the one holding me but that was impossible. Everyone was right I needed to move on. I needed to let go.
**
Justin drove to Tommy's house, blasting "Still Running" by Chevelle. He sped in his red Mustang GTO up the path to Tommy's. Most of the time Justin didn't care if he lived or died. In fact he'd rather die. Anything would be better than living his life without Natalia. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been to open his heart up to her. She didn't care about him, the letter she sent him proved it. It bothered him that she had a piece of him that he could never get back. Justin couldn't even look at another woman, let alone get back in the dating scene. That was definitely not like him at all. Ever since everything had happened, Justin distanced himself from the Ryan's. He sure as hell didn't want to see Tommy and Hope happy together or even Joseph and Lani. Justin moved out finally and bought his own mansion not too far away but far enough. He felt like he needed his space. He wanted his own life.
Justin parked his car in Tommy's garage and jumped out of the car. He locked it and went to the "Tony Montana" office, as Natalia had always called it. Why the hell did everything have to remind him of her? Why was she always on his mind? Why did he still have to be in love with her after all the pain she caused him? It would have been so easy if he was able to just forget her like all the other women in his life. At the same time Justin knew that Natalia was different than all the other women that had come in and out of his life. That's why he loved her so much. "You said to hurry over, what's the problem?" Justin said when he finally reached the office. Joseph Ryan was sitting at the desk with Tommy at his side. "There is inside information that the Lopez's are looking to attack in the near future." Joseph stated and crossed his arms. "And what do you want me to do?" "Keep your eye open. I know Larry Lopez is beginning to expand his power to Florida. We have JC watching New York and we need you here." "I miss JC. Is he gonna come back to visit?" Justin asked innocently. Tommy just nodded and looked away from his friend. He felt so guilty for not being honest with Justin. So many times he wanted to scream to him that his love still wanted him. Thanks to Joseph that was impossible. Tommy grew a hatred for his father because of this. Justin was one of Tommy's best friends and it disgusted him that Justin's child was dead because his father. These lies were even a distress to Hope. She could barely talk to Natalia because she felt so culpable. From what they had heard, Natalia was not doing well at all. She was barely hanging on to her sanity. Hope also couldn't even look at Justin. It was killing her that she knew the truth and could not disclose it to him. She and Justin were so close at one time and doing this to him made her want to cry. "Yes well, JC has been very busy." Joseph Ryan lied. The truth was that JC had no idea that Justin was alive. "Anyway… how bout we all have some lunch?" Tommy suggested, trying to quickly end the JC topic. "Sounds good. I'm starving." The three men then headed to the balcony where they proceeded to have lunch. What none of them realized was that lies were soon going to be uncovered.
**
I was sitting in the back of the car, oblivious to where I was being taken. I was wearing a white halter dress and a pair of matching rhinestone encrusted sandals. Ricky forced me to do me hair, a task I hadn't done since my birthday. Before that I couldn't even remember. I sniffed slightly and looked out the window at the slightly familiar surroundings. The minute we passed Angel's Diner I knew where we were headed. I clung to Ricky's hand and he looked at me curiously. "What's wrong?" He whispered in my ear. "We're going to Tommy's mansion… where I was when I was kidnapped." "You gonna be okay with this?" "I think so… it's just scary. I mean everything that happened there was crazy, but at the same time, it's better that I go and put it all behind me." We stopped in front of the gate and Savannah and JC got out of the car. Ricky and I did the same.
"We're just gonna go visit Hope and Tommy. I know you want to go visit the cemetery and we figured you'd wanna do it alone. You guys can have the car and then you can meet us back here to see Hope and Tommy." JC explained. I just nodded and stared off at the mansion. "You guys go. We'll come back later." Ricky stated for me and smiled. Savannah leaned over to me and hugged me. "Be strong, okay?" "I'll try." I forced a smile at Savannah. "Good. Call us when you're on your way back." The couple disappeared onto the grounds of the mansion. Ricky headed back into the car and all I could do was stare. I remembered how Justin and I would sit in the garden and talk; I remembered how he would hold me and comfort me when I was upset. I glanced down the road and saw Angel's Diner in the distance. I remembered when Justin would take me there with him. That time of my life was over now. I shed a final tear and took a deep breath. The wind started to pick up slightly and I closed my eyes. I half smiled and quoted the Michelle Branch song, 'Good-bye to You' to myself. "Good bye to you, good bye to everything that I knew…" "Good bye Justin…" I whispered and turned back towards the car. It was time for my new beginning.
Story Tags: kidnapped jc justin joey chris
