Chapter 35
Months passed and things still stayed the same. I was still lost without Justin, but I was starting to be able to function. I went to school, hung out with my friends, but on the inside, I felt dead without Justin.

Tommy and Hope moved back to Florida where they married. Hope and I kept in touch still, but every time she spoke to me, it would be for a short time. In a way I felt that she didn't want to talk to me because I was a reminder of Andrew, her past that she wished to forget.

Savannah and JC were still here. JC was stationed here to watch the Lopez's and make sure they didn't do anything crazy. JC and I had become close and shared in each other's grief. Justin was his best friend and he missed him.

Savannah was now on Broadway, staring in Beauty and the Beast. I was so proud of her because she was living out her dream. The two of them were also living together now. I was happy but at the same time jealous that I couldn't feel the way they did anymore.

My happiness seemed so far away now.

I was heading into my junior year of college that January. I had finally decided that I was going to go into writing. First I was going to start off at a magazine and eventually write a book about everything that happened to me.

As it turns out, I had shot Andrew and the police caught him. My mother was hurt with the both of us, especially Andrew. She was still speaking to me, but not Andrew or my Uncle Eduardo.

Eduardo was on the run. He left his family and was currently in one of the Lopez's safe houses. That bastard.

I was sitting in my pajamas and typing an essay on my laptop. Ricky was busy getting dressed and yelling at me to do the same but I ignored him.

He wanted me to go out to some Christmas party. I really didn't want to do anything. I had this paper to write for a final and I just wanted to be left alone.

"Nat! GET DRESSED!"

"Shut up!!" I yelled after him. "I'm not getting dressed!"

"Then I guess you're going in your pajamas." My best friend walked into my bedroom where Wildboyz was playing on TV.

"I really don't feel like going to some stupid party." I continued to type away, not bothering to look up at my friend. I laughed a bit when I glanced up to see Chris Pontius making out with a Kinkajou, this adorable little animal. What made me laugh harder was when the animal licked his nipple.

"But you'd rather stay home and watch Wildboyz?"

"Yes that's right."

"You need to stop doing this to yourself. You never go out and you lock yourself in your room. Girl, you need to step out for a change."

"I don't want to step out! I just want to be left alone!"

Ricky sat down on my bed and snapped my lap top shut. I looked up at him angrily and he just shook his head at me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"You need to move on, Nat… it's time."

"Ricky, you don't understand. I love him…"

"He's dead Natalia. He's been dead for almost 5 months now. You can't punish yourself. He wouldn't want that."

"Justin means everything to me…"

"Honey, stop referring to him like he's still alive. He isn't." Ricky grabbed my hands. "I'm worried about you. You’re not yourself anymore."

"I know that Justin is dead… I just feel like maybe if I convince myself that he’s still alive that he actually will be again." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Just come out tonight and you'll have fun… I promise. It'll take your mind off everything."

"Alright… but if I want to leave early then I'm leaving."

"Fine…now come on and get dressed."

**
Ricky, Louis and I went to the party. I felt kind of like the third wheel. I mean I loved hanging out with them but I still felt like the odd one out.

I pushed a strand of hair out of my face as I sat alone at the Christmas party. The party belonged to Kayla, and every so often she and Mitch would walk over to me and tell me to have fun.

I sometimes felt like everyone was staring at me, like they all knew about what happened to me. It made me feel naked.

I sipped a sex on the beach in the corner while everyone talked and laughed. God, I wanted to go home.

"Hey Nat!" Savannah called out and walked over to me. She was beaming, always so happy. I was envious of her. Then again, I was envious of anyone who got to be with the person they were in love with.

"Hey guys." I smiled at them.

It was funny, recently someone told me that when I smiled, it never reached my eyes. You could see that it was fake, and how on the inside I was in pain. The eyes really are the windows to the soul.

"Having fun?" JC smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Savannah did the same.

"Not at all. I was hoping the liquor would help."

"Give it some time to kick in." JC laughed.

"But then again, me and C are here so you have to have a good time."

"I guess." I smirked at them. Savannah smacked my arm lightly.

The three of us went about talking and joking around. What we didn't realize was that someone was watching us.

A man walked up behind me a tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and came face to face with a guy who was about my height. He was really tan with brown hair. He was smiling at me and I looked at him confused.

"Hi…"

"Hey… Do I know you?"

"No, I'm a friend of Hollie's. My names Billy, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go have a drink with me sometime?" Billy asked. I quickly started to play with the necklace Justin gave me.

"I'm sorry I'm taken…" Was the first thing that blurted out of my mouth; Savannah and JC stared at me in shock.

I mean this guy was good looking and seemed really nice. I couldn't even believe that I was turning him down. But I knew I wasn't ready to date again.

"Oh… I'm sorry." Billy backed off and headed to the other side of the room.

"I can't believe you just did that."

"Listen, do not fucking lecture me. I just got one from Ricky not too long ago and I don't wanna hear it."

"Natalia. You need to stop. Justin wouldn't want you to live your life like this…" JC said. I rolled my eyes at him.
 
"I'm Justin's girl and I will always be. I don't care if he's dead. He's the only man I've ever loved and the only man I want to love."

I couldn't stay there anymore. I grabbed my purse and pulled on my jacket. I headed for the doorway and tread down the snow covered street. I didn't know where I was going.

It was like my feet were moving and my body was just following along. I stopped in front of the hotel Justin took up residence in for that long time and started to bawl.

Everything reminded me of. Everyone reminded me of him.

I couldn't do this anymore. Everyone was right, JC, Savannah, Ricky… everything they said to me about getting over Justin and moving on was right.

I needed to find my peace.

I forced myself to stop crying and looking like a crazy woman as I walked down the street. There had to be a way to find peace with Justin's death. There had to be a way I could let go without forgetting him completely.

That's when it hit me. I never got to go to Justin's funeral. What I had to do was visit his grave. Make peace with him in that way.

I had I to go back to Florida.