She walked into the kitchen, grabbing the kettle with her shaky hands, pouring some water in it to make some tea. She assumed he needed some time by himself, she was probably the last person he wanted to have comforting him.

He was right; he shouldn’t have to lose everything he had build because of her baggage, but then again, she never asked him to. He was the one who insisted on being involved, he was the one that pushed her into telling him her stories… Now he regretted it, but he couldn’t blame her, could he? It was no ones fault; it was just the consequences of decisions in life.

The cup was scolding hot after she poured in the hot water, but she held it with both hands, clinging on to it like it would burn away her trembling.

She wondered if he had left, or if he was still in the living room. She hadn’t heard the front door open, so she assumed he was still there.

She opened the cup board to find some sugar for her tea and noticed a bottle of Scotch in there. She took it out and poured a glass full.She quietly walked into the living room to find him sitting against the wall with his head hidden behind his knees.

He looked up at her with sad eyes. He had calmed down and his tears were dried out. She held her hand out with the glass, and he took it and drank it all in one before he leaned his head against the wall and sighed, closing his eyes to take in the slow effect of the liquor. She turned around again and started to walk out when he called her name. His voice was so quiet so for a while she thought she had imagined it.

-“I’m sorry” he whispered as he opened his eyes again and looked at her.

-“Oh, Justin” she whispered back and walked over to kneel beside him. She put a hand on his knee and immediately he covered it with his own.

-“I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it…” he started.

-“You did, but that’s okay. You have every right to feel like that” she said quietly.

-“I wanne stay, Jordan. Please let me stay. I need you…” He pulled her into him and started sobbing again, holding on to her tightly. He grabbed her hair and kissed her fiercely, and she could taste the bitter flavour of the whiskey from his mouth. “I need you so bad”

He was almost devouring her and she pulled back, gasping.

-“Of course you can stay, Justin” She let her hand caress his cheek and he closed his eyes and leaned into it before he pulled her into a kiss again. She wriggled a little underneath him, and it was then that he noticed he had leaned all his weight over her on the floor, holding on to her like there was no tomorrow.

-“I’m sorry” she whispered. “but you’re kinda squishing me…”

He jumped up and offered his hand to help her. She held on to her back and stumbled a little as she tried to stretch out.

-“God, are you okay?” He pulled her body against his again, too desperate for closeness to notice his own strength. He couldn’t stop trembling and the only thing that calmed him down was the feeling of her and their little baby between them.

-“Can we…Can we sit down…?” she asked, careful not to let him know he was almost suffocating her.

-“Yeah, yeah…” He shook himself out of his trance and walked her over to the couch where she slowly sat down in one corner, her legs up on her side as to keep a distance from him. He took a deep breath before he sat down on the other side.

-“I don’t know how to handle all of this” he said quietly, once again breathing through his hands. She didn’t answer, and they fell into an awkward silence, just listening to each other breathing. Damnit, he needed to say something, anything, he felt he was losing her and the relationship they had developed. But he was lost for words, his mind was blank.

He quickly got up and walked into the kitchen, bringing the whole bottle of Scotch back, filling another glass and drinking it all again. He felt her eyes on him, but he didn’t want to look back at her until he could figure out how to start a conversation with her again. He wanted to take her clothes off again and get lost inside her body, getting the connection back that way, but he didn’t dare in case of rejection.

His breathing got heavier and he felt his heart starting to ache.When did the tables get turned? When did he become the unstable one? When did he become the desperate one?

-“I wish you felt you could talk to me” she suddenly said, breaking the long silence. Afraid to tick him off again, she quickly added; “but I understand why you don’t….”

He sighed and she took his hand in her, squeezing it lightly. His breathing calmed down again and he leaned his head back, downing another glass of Scotch.

-“I want to” he whispered. “But I don’t know what to say”

-“Okay” she nodded.

-“Why don’t you tell me how you feel, maybe start me off.” He looked at her. She stared at him, wondering how to adress what she wanted to say, scared that whatever she did would make him blow up again.

-“I’m just scared” she said, shaking her head slowly. “Dead scared”

-“Come here” He grabbed her arms gently and pulled her over to his side, putting her head on his chest. There, that’s where he wanted her. “Tell me what you’re scared of” he whispered into her hair, breathing in the flowery shampoo.

-“Everything. The present...The future...”

-“I know. I am too”

-“I just don’t know where we… We don’t talk… We never mention…” She knew she was walking on thin ice. She asked questions she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answers to. Questions she didn’t know if he was ready to answer.

He kissed her hair and let his hand slide through it.

-“What do you want?” he asked and she fell quiet again. If there was one thing they both knew they were bad at, it was communicating about stuff that mattered. It was easier in the beginning when all they did was fight, hating each others guts. Now that there was a mutual understanding of the situation, and a friendship still growing, they both kept it all inside in fear of hurting each other. A superficial friendship was easier to handle in this situation, but they both knew it wasn’t enough.

-“I feel all I do is wait for you” she finally said.

-“What do you mean? I’m right here”

-“Physically, yes” she sighed. He took her hand and put it over his heart.

-“I’m here” he repeated.

-“No, I’m here. I’m having this baby, and at the moment that is my only life. I don’t know what you want. You touch me in ways I’ve never been touched before, and I don’t even know if you still have a girlfriend. You act like you belong in this house, but I never know when you are coming or going. You go out of your way to protect me, even though you are slowly falling apart in the process. And you don’t talk to me about anything, even though I’m maybe the only one who would be somehow able to understand some of the things you’re going through. Are we just two naïve people trying to play house?”

She held her breath after she was done, after she started she hadn’t been able to stop. These were the exact things she didn’t want to say to him, but it was too late for her fears to get in the way now. Things had gone too far.

-“First of all; our baby is my life now too.” He responded. “I still have a job, and I know I need to compromise a lot of my career to be as involved as I want to be, but I have no problem doing that”

-“We haven’t even talked to a lawyer to set up an agreement yet…”

-“Do we need that? Don’t you think we can figure something out between us? Just see how things go as time goes by?”

-“I need some stability, Justin. I need to know how much you’ll be around. And who else will be around…” There it was; the girlfriend question again.

-“ We broke up earlier today” he said dryly.

-“Oh” was all she was able to respond to that. Was she supposed to say she was sorry? She wasn’t sorry about that; she was relieved.

-“I don’t even know why I kept it going for that long; the whole relationship was doomed from the start anyway.”

-“Did she…Did you tell her…? About…us?” How could she formulate that question?

-“She asked. I had to tell her.”

-“Do you think she’ll…”

-“…go to the press?” he finished for her. “Nah, she wouldn’t do that.”

-“Okay”

-“Jordan, I know you want some answers, but I don’t have them for you right now. I think what you’re trying to ask me is where you and I stand, isn’t it?” She nodded silently. “I just came out of a relationship, and you and I… Well, we have other things to worry about before we define our relationship.”

-“Okay…” she said again.

-“That wasn’t the answer you were looking for, was it?” he whispered.

-“No…”

-“It’s confusing for me too. I’m here because I want to, because I need to for my own sanity. You’re right; you are probably the only one who understands what I’m going through right now…But what has happened between us lately… Maybe it shouldn’t have, maybe it’s just confusing us more. But I just know that the only times I feel somehow relaxed is when I have you in my arms. I don’t know what that means. But I know that I want to find out”

He could feel her smile.

-“Okay…” her voice answered a little lighter. “I didn’t mean to bring up…”

-“No, I know” he interrupted. “It’s a fair question. I wish I had a better answer”

-“It’s a fair answer…” she shrugged, feeling tears threatening to escape from her eyes.

-“Hey…” he used his hands to turn her face towards his. He kissed her softly, feeling her body relax and almost melt into him. “If you really want to give it a try, we can” he shrugged.

She shook her head. The last thing she wanted was to push him into something he didn’t want, something he wasn’t ready for.

-“No. Let’s just leave the definition for later. Let’s just be what we are now, and then time will hopefully help us figure things out.”

She put her head back on his chest, trying to figure out if the conversation helped at all or if it just made everything more awkward. Being close to Justin was easy, talking to him was not.