It was depressing to be here, all these drunks.

I was not a drunk.

Maybe, how different was I then these people? What? 3 days ago?

I watched the people move around the room restless and unable to really get to where they were really going. I sighed and was about to leave when someone plopped down next to me. I looked away quickly. I didn’t really want to be seen in here even though, I doubted these people had any clue who I was.

Still… who wants to be seen in some dark room filled with drunks and those who obviously did not know how to use a shower? 

“So…” The farmilar voice of Chris rang out next to me. He hadn’t really spoken to me in a while, a long time actually. I was kinda surprised to see him here. He seemed me at ease, way more free then I felt in that moment. I was hiding Chris who seemed to sprawl his arms out across the back of the chair and looked rather bored.

“I’m surprised to see you.” I said relaxing and taking in the room with him, surveying everything for a sixth time that night.

“You know how that goes.” He said finally looking at me. “You look like you’re going to rob a bank.” He smiled and looked around; I finally noticed no one had really sat around me. I chuckled.

No wonder I felt so alone… isolation. Maybe I did need some help.

“Welcome everyone to the Barrio Outreach Center; I’m Juan Mendoza, obviously why we’re here is because of AA and trying to find a way to live our lives sober. For those of you that are new, we do have a step program. I’m sure everyone’s heard something or another about AA and our 12 steps. Here we start slow and work our way to something more stable in life then clinging to a bottle at our last hour. This is a Alcoholics Anonymous so please don’t feel as if here you will be judged. Anyone new… anyone want to take the first step?”

The man had went on and on and at first it sounded stupid, but as  he talked something hit me. I wasn’t sure what it was but I know I felt something. I looked around seeing the people look at each other and then I looked at Chris. He gave me this look, I sighed already knowing what it meant.

I stood up slowly and made my way to the front of the group. I stood in front of these people and I didn’t want to say anything but I knew if I walked away now, I would probably never find myself. My friends… so committed to my cause, willing to sit here with me and endure this. I had to stand up and say something to right the wrongs that I had let over run my life. If they could stand without me, why couldn’t I stand?

I cleared my throat, my mouth going dry I had no idea what to say.

“It’s okay baby.” A black woman who sat 3 rows from me said. “It’s always hard the first time.” She smiled and I felt a little more at ease. I pulled the baseball cap off my head slowly followed by the glasses. A few gasps and whispers were heard but nothing to extravagant.

“M-my name is-" clears throat “my name is Joseph, and I-I guess I have a problem. No. Wait.” I stopped putting my fingers on the bridge of my nose.

No one can help you if you lie, if you try to downplay the situation for what it really is.

My mother’s words echoed in my head.

“No… I have a problem. I have a problem with drinking and I-I just can’t seem to stop.” I looked up at the group and there were no looks of disgust, no judgment, the same judgment I had come to expect being a celebrity with a problem. Any kind of problem.

A chorus of Hi Joe’s, Hello’s and other greetings were heard. “Welcome.” Juan said taking a step towards me his hand extended to shake mine. I smiled slowly.

How bad could this be.

~*~4 days later~*~

I had been waiting here just like they had told me too. I waited and I had already been here at least 45 minutes and still no one had even bothered to look at me.

“Mr. Fatone.” A tall man stood next to me. I looked up and could tell he was in his 30’s. “Hello, my name is Tom, I am the manger here. Listen I am sorry, your consoler called something came up, but she is just 10 minutes away.”

I sighed.

“Thanks.” I stood and walked to the doors that led out into the hall just as I was going through the door, my body ran into someone and we both fell to the ground.

I was instantly angry and was about to go off when I looked down into the creamiest hazel eyes I had ever seen. And I had seen plenty.

“Hi.” She said her eyes twinkled and shined with the lights above her. Her smile was a brilliant white and she had her tongue pierced I could see that. “Oooookay, um… can you get off me please? I am already late enough as it is.” She struggled for a moment and I could feel the movement of her breast and the warmth of her body start to get to me.

I hadn’t felt someone warm next to me since…

NO! That’s why we’re here.

I moved quickly trying to hide what she had done to me.

“Lola! Are you all right?” Tom rushed over to us his concern for the small girl below me.

“Fine, sorry I’m so late. I didn’t realize how late it had gotten.” She said her tone hinted at an accent but I wasn’t sure I couldn’t hear her, staring at her body, she was moderately dressed hiding everything yet still giving the air of professionalism while still being sexy in a A-line skirt and a blue blouse that had a hard time holding back her breast that so desperately wanted out of that blouse.

Me too…

“No, it’s quite all right, this is your client. Mr. Fatone.” He gestured toward me and smiled brightly. “This is Lola, Lola Garcia.” I knew she was something. Hispanic maybe, the color of her skin was a caramel and her hazel eyes were set off by a long set of eyes lashes that looked so fake, but they were real.

You could tell this girl never needed make-up.

“Hi.” She said brightly sticking her hand out at me. I took it and felt a static shock, a wave… of something. I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Desire?

“Uh-I… Sorry. Joey, please call me Joey.” I said finally stopping from fixating on her body and apparently flawless skin.

“Call me Lola. Would you like to take a seat?” She asked leaning her head towards the dozens of couches in the large room.

“I need a minute.” Ii said pulling away from her, pulling her hand with me. I couldn’t let her go and I didn’t understand why.

She smiled softly. “I need my hand back sir.” She pulled her hand away gently and I was lost in her face.

I turned around quickly and walked out into the hallway only to be confronted by another person, this time a familiar face.

“Lance.” I said suddenly before he could just pop up on me.

“Hey man, where you going? Got you scared already?” He said

“No, I just… I don’t know.” I said looking back into the room and watching Lola cross her legs, she glanced up at me and smiled, waved and extended her arms across the couch. Showing me the spot she had claimed for us.

I smiled.

“Is that her?” Lance asked his eyes wide and smiling. I shook my head. “Wow… maybe I need to get some therapy too.” He said walking into the room before me. I grabbed the back of his pants.

“Down boy.” I pulled him back into the hallway. “I’m fine, thank you. I’ll see you later.” I said pushing him back.

“I could stay you know.” He smiled. I laughed. I hadn’t done that in so long.

“We’re fine, thank you.” I said walking back into the room, I didn’t want him near her and I wasn’t sure why.

“You ready?” She asked moving to face me while I sat on the couch.

“Will I ever be?” I mumbled.

“Well, talk to me; tell me what’s going on.” She gave me this genuine look of concern and sounded as if she really wanted to listen to me.

“I-“

 She cut me off.  “I’d like to look at you.” She said reaching for the cap and sunglasses routine I had chosen for this place. I pulled back, afraid for her to really see me. “I’m not going to bite.” She added her hands kept moving and she caught my cap.

I swallowed deeply and watched her face when she pulled off the glasses and really got a look at me.

“You were saying?” She crossed her legs and stared at me, this care in her eyes I hadn’t seen since…

“Jessica.” I said softly. Lola shook her hand and smiled.

“Pretty name.” She kept shaking her head moving her body so she could fully look at me.

“I-we were engaged. We had been together 2 years. I was ready… to get married, to start a family. I was ready to be something else, someone else. She had altered me and I was ready to commit to her.” I stopped slowly and looked at the floor.

“And then…?” She leaned forward looking at me. I looked at her and he gaze was soft. “And then…?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat; it seemed huge and took forever. “We had it all planned. We were so close. The day of the rehearsal dinner, she never made it. She never made it home; she never made it to the wedding. God said it was time.” I covered my eyes, the tears stung but I held in.

“Are you angry at god?” She asked leaning in closer. I shook my head no. “Are you angry at yourself?” She mumbled low, close enough that I could hear. I pondered the thought. No one had asked me that before. It was always sympathy. I could tell from this very beginning with Lola I would find none.

“Sometimes.” I said looking up, everywhere, but not on that face. I could see the hardness in the caring gaze she gave me.

“Aren’t you tired?”

I looked confused. “Of what?”

“Being angry? Being sad? Being a lifeless ghoul only to wander around your house all day?” I looked at her shocked. She was judging me.

I was wrong. She didn’t care. She was judging me.

“Excuse me?” The hardness in my tone unable to be hidden.

“You must sit around you house all day, feeling sorry for yourself. How long has it been?” She asked lifting an eyebrow. I held my lips tight, unwilling to say anything more to her. “Well?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“A year… maybe longer, I lost track of the time.” I said coldly.

“My point exactly. Aren’t you tired yet? All this time is passing by and you are… just wasting it. For someone, who let’s face it, is never coming back to you.” She said just as coldly. I shook my head, I didn’t know what to say to her. She was to pretty to curse at that was my only option.

I stood on my feet and walked to the door.

“Joey.” Was all I heard as I walked out the door.