Chris watched her from the corner of his eye while they sat on her couch three days later.  He could tell something was bothering her for the past couple days.  She wasn't her bubbly self and cracking jokes. He could see straight through the fake smile she plastered on her face.  He hadn't seen the smile or laugh that use to light up the room along with the eyes that use to sparkle, were now dull.  He could see right through the "everything is fine" act she was putting up.  When they talked over the phone after she going wedding dress shopping with Kara he knew something was wrong.  She kept telling him she was fine, just tired, but he knew it was a lie.  She wasn't herself. He had enough.

Fed up with her act, he reached over and picked up the TV remote, flicking it off.  Nicole blinked in confusing before turning her head slightly to look at him.  "What the...?"

"Want to stop lying to me and tell me what is wrong?"

Nicole sighed, her eyes instantly dropping to the floor.  "I told you, nothing.  I'm just tired."

Chris turned his body slightly to look at her.  "Bullshit.  Did something happen while wedding dress shopping with Kara?"

"Uh, I..."  Nicole stuttered.

"Did you two get into a fight?"  Chris questioned.  He reached over and placed his hand tenderly on her arm.

"No."  Nicole mumbled under her breath.  She started to pick at her nails while her eyes still glued to the floor.

"Are you upset that I didn't kill you like you asked?"  Chris teased to lighten the mood.  When he saw that she didn't even crack a smile he sighed and felt worried.  "Nicole," he leaned over and took her face in his other hand, "You know I hate lying."

"It's stupid."  She fought against his hand to look at him.

"Nicole, look at me."  He watched her carefully till he saw her green eyes looking back at him.  "It must not be stupid if it's affecting you like this.  I'm here."  Chris reinsured her.

Nicole pulled away from his hands and sighed softly.  "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."  He placed his hand that once was on her cheek on her knee and gave it a slightly squeeze.

"I feel like a horrible friend.....I should of-"

Chris interrupted her.  "So you two did get into a fight."

"No."  She brushed her side bangs out of her face.  "I realized something that day that I would never had.  I got jealous and I feel horrible for even feeling it and even thinking about it and the whole ‘woe is me' when it was her day.  It should have been all about her, but no, I became selfish and started to think about myself.  Who does that?  What kind of friend does that?"

Chris watched her carefully, thinking about what she said before he answered.  "I understand.  I think everything has been in that situation before-"

"You don't understand!"  Nicole exclaimed in a huff.

Chris was started to get frustrated.  If it was anything he couldn't stand it was being lied to his face.  Especially when it was someone he cared for.  "Yes I do."  Chris crossed his arms over his chest.                                          

"No you don't!  You still have your mother!"  She squeaked out.  "Don't sit there and say you understand.  You don't.  You don't understand at all!  I'm tired of everyone saying it's going to be okay...No it's not!  She's gone!  G-o-n-e!  You all still have your mothers, I don't!"

Chris sat back while the words hit him like a ton of bricks.  He sat still in shock; it wasn't anything close to what he thought was going on.  Going from thinking that Nicole and Kara got into a fight; to having it be about her mother threw him off track.  He opened his mouth to speak but closed it when nothing came to his mind.  Chris sighed and rubbing the back of his neck.  He looked up and watched her wipe an escaped tear that rolled down her cheek.

She was right; he still did have his mother.  He didn't know or understand the pain and suffering she went through and still was going through.  Not until his mother past away.  He shivered at the thought of his mother passing.  He couldn't picture his life without his own mother around.  She was one of the strongest individual he knew and had always been there for him since the day he was born.  He would be lost if it wasn't for his mother.

Nicole took a deep breath and started to fiddle with her fingers.  She always placed up a wall, a mask upon her face whenever her mother was brought up when deep down inside, she was breaking into pieces.  Even after three years it was still a touchy subject.  Her bottom lip was already starting to tremble and she hadn't said a word yet.  She heard Chris move in front of her, sitting down on the edge of the coffee table, but she didn't look up.  She knew once she did that the tears would start flowing.

"Nicole..."

"She was in so much pain she could barely move."  Nicole confessed to him.  She fought back the hot tears that were already starting to form in her eyes.  It was either now or never.  "She always had a stomach problem," Nicole continued, "Like, her whole life; so none of us thought of anything different when it started.  We thought it was her stomach, but later found out it was abdomen pain.  I don't know if it was normal for her to have that or not."  Nicole looked up when she felt Chris brush a tear out of the corner of her eye.  "Sometimes I wonder if we knew that it was abdomen pain and not stomach pain if we would have brought her to the hospital sooner or not.  Maybe she might still be here; or maybe it would have been still the same outcome.  It always is a wonder in the back of my mind, what if."

"Sometimes I feel like it's my fault."  Nicole confessed in a whisper as another tear ran down her cheek.  Chris sat back, shock written on his face when he heard the words she said.  Her fault?

"Sweetheart it wasn't your fault."  Chris reassured her while his fingers wiped away more of her tears.

"She might still be here if I knew it was abdomen pain.  If we brought her in before we did she might have not died."

Chris's eyes held hers while he brushed back her hair with the back of his hand behind her ears.  "You don't know that."  He told her.  The pads of his thumbs brushed under her eyes, feeling the wetness from her tears against his skin.  He felt his heart break from the pain and sorrow that shone in her eyes and face. 

Chris looked at her as he grew a new fond of respect for her.  She had never opened up to him in-depth about her mother's death.  Yes, he knew how she died and it was unexpected, but she never went beyond of how she died, when she died, or how certain song's she still couldn't listen to even after these years.  He knew the topic was very personal to her and how hard it was for her to talk about it.  He felt thankful, yet sadden that she opened up to him, showing him a new side of her to help him understand what she went through and how to help her, but seeing the pain she was in, crying and cracking in front of his own eyes killed him.  He just wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her against him, tell her everything would be okay, that he was sorry and remind her that he was here for her.

"The day she died was the worst day of my life." Nicole continued.  "Not only did I just lose my mother, my best friend, but I lost a piece of me also.  For months I wouldn't leave my room.  I couldn't convince myself that she really was gone.  I kept telling myself she was just going to walk through the front door and just yell ‘surprise', but it never happened."  Nicole bit on her trembling bottom lip, doing her best to hold back her emotion.  "Who loses their own mother at the age of twenty two?  It isn't how it's supposed to be.  She is supposed to be at my wedding, be a grandma to my children, live to the age of her nineties and have gray hair."

"She couldn't wait to be a grandma.  It was something she dreamt of for years.  Only I would be able to give her that gift since I'm the only child.  She was the most amazing mother anyone could even ask for and all she wanted from me was a grandchild and I didn't get to give it to her.  After all she has done for me; I didn't even give her the one thing she wanted."  She admitted quietly.

"I'm jealous of all my friends, the guys, you," Nicole looked up at Chris, sympathy filling his eyes, "You all still have your mother, I," Nicole placed a hand on her chest, "Don't have that anymore.  I'm never going to have my mother at wedding, she is never going to get to be a grandma to my children, I can't just call her out of the blue to say I love you, I can't call her for mother advice, nothing."  Nicole cleared her throat when her voice cracked with emotion, tears rolling down her face.  "But most importantly, I can't even get a hug from her."

"It wasn't until I saw Kara and Sarah, her mom, both teary eyes over the perfect wedding dress that it hit me.  I will never get to go through the joys of going wedding dress shopping with my mom.  I will never get the moment that all girls dream of, finding that one wedding dress that brings you both to tears.  When they hugged, I felt jealous in my heart.  I was jealous of Kara for getting to dream of something I never will and now I feel bad for even feeling like that."

In one swift movement, Chris sat down next to her on the couch and pulled her onto his lap, embracing her while she cried against his shoulder.  He leaned his head against hers while his hands ran up and down her back tenderly.  He was speechless.  He didn't know what to say to comfort her but just to hold her.

His arms held her tightly when he felt her grip his hoodie in her hands.  His eyes closed, licking his lips while she continued to weep.

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

~~~~

"So did you and Nicole have a good night last night?"  Justin asked with a wink after watching Chris yawn.  Chris stretched his body out along the couch and tucked his arms behind his head all while closing his eyes.  "You sure seem...tired."  Justin added with a snicker.

"Get your mind out of the gutter.  It was a long night."  Chris covered his mouth as he yawned and rolled over to his side.

"A long night, eh?"  Joey wiggled his eyebrows and nudged Chris with his foot.

Chris swatted Joey's foot away.  "Knock it off.  Nothing like that happened.  We just talked."

"Sure.  Talk, if that's what everyone is calling it these days."  Lance added.  Without looking he raised his hand up while Justin and Joey both gave him a hand five while Lance continued to read his crossword puzzle.

Chris groaned.  "All we did was talk."

"Well did you at least find out what was bothering her?"  Lance asked.  Chris twisted his body slightly; remembering that he came to them the day before to try and see if they could help him out on finding out what was wrong with Nicole after asking them if she told them anything.

"Yeah."

"And?"  Justin asked when Chris didn't say anything else.

"That's why we talked all night."  Chris stated.

"Pain in my ass."  Justin grumbled.  "What was wrong?  Did you do something to piss her off?"

"It was about her mom.  We were up all night talking, crying...well, she did, I didn't, and letting everything out.  That is all you need to know."

"Oh."  Joey said softly.

"Mhm."  Chris hummed softly.  "So, what are we working on today?"

"Depends on how much Mr. Nazi got done last night."  Lance nodded his head toward JC while he continued to work on his crossword.

"Stop calling me a Nazi."  JC said without turning around to look at the guys.  He continued to look toward the soundboard and flip some switches.  "I'm not a Nazi."

"Yeah, he's French."  Joey added while he fought with Chris, trying to shove his feet off the couch to sit down.

"Joey," Justin shook his head with a sigh, "Shut up."

~~

Later that night, Chris pulled his car into the garage with a smile of his face.  Nicole's car was in his driveway.  They made plans to hang out, and gave her a copy of his house key in case he wasn't home yet from the studio.  It surprised him how quickly he gave her a key to his place, never doubting about it.  He never gave a key to his house this fast.  Karen was the only past girlfriend that ever had a key to his place, and it was after four months of being together.  Shaking his head, he opened the door from the garage to lead him into the house and tossed his keys and wallet onto the kitchen counter.

"Lucy I'm home!"  He bellowed, following with a soft chuckle.

"Sorry you got the wrong girl.  Lucy went home already."

Chris laughed as he made his way across the family room and planted a kiss on Nicole's lips.  He knew he surprised her with the sudden kiss.  It surprised him also.  They weren't "official together" but he couldn't help himself.  He loved the feeling of walking into his house and seeing Nicole there.  He loved just walking up to her and kissing her.  He loved her kisses.  Her lips.  The way they were always so soft it made him shiver.  They were addicting.  He leaned over and kissed her eyes, a small smile appearing on his lips when he felt her kissing him back this time.  He plopped down on the couch next to her and looked at the pad of paper in her hand.

"What are you doing?"

"Christmas list.  I write down everyone I need to get a gift for, what to get them if I know, so when I do Christmas shopping, I just cross off the list and I know I'm done with them.  Never having to worry about if I got a person a gift or not.

Chris mad a noise of interest and laid his arm behind her on the couch.  She was always making lists of everything.  She was always on top of things while he was, well, behind.  She got him into using post it notes, which has helped him....when he remembered to put things on post it notes.  His brown eyes carefully watched her, in dark color blue jeans and a yellow long sleeve shirt, her curly hair faming her face, while she continued writing more on her list.

He saw a new side of her last night.  She spilled her guts out in front of him, crying her eyes out, about her mother.  He saw her crumble before his eyes and the heartache she had been holding in for the past two years.  She brought down a wall that she was holding up.  She opened up to him and it made his heart swell.  He never had a girl made him feel like this over this this soon or quickly before.  She had a hold, a power, on him.

"What does the guy who has everything, want for Christmas?"

Chris turned and looked into her greens eyes after hearing her question.  Her eyes sparkled, making his knees weak just by one look.  He licked his lips.  She was the most breath taking person he had ever seen.  Not only was she beautiful, but she was caring, laughed at his own jokes, had a personality to blow away the world, she never held back on how she felt and told him to his face which he loved.  She had her flaws, and so did he.  She was beautiful inside and out.  There was something about her that told him not to let go.

And he wouldn't.  He was ready.

"You."

Nicole's eyes crackled in confusion, her eyes never leaving his.  She was cute when she was confused.  "Uh, come again?"

Placing her pad of paper and pen on the table he grabbed her face softly with his hands and kisses her softly.  He felt her stiffen, shocked by his reaction, before her lips moved along with his.  He ran his hand down her side, tracing her curves with his fingers.  Exploring her mouth with his, he slowly pushed her back on the couch, holding his body over hers.  The way she felt in his arms and the way she tasted drove him wild.  Continuing kissing, his hand moved to her hip, his fingers sliding under her shirt slightly, rubbing her arm skin on her side.  He felt her shiver from his touch.

Her arms wrapped around his neck, her fingers sliding into the hairs on the back of his head as he lifted his head up, his lips instantly feeling the cool air from leaving her lips. His lips found their way back to her cheek to her neck, leaving soft kisses against her warm skin.  Her fingers gripped his hair softly and he groaned, his lips leaving her neck and crashing back onto her lips.  Feeling Nicole tugging his body closer to hers, his arms wrapped around her tightly and he stood up, their lips never breaking contact.  He groaned against her lips when her legs wrapped around his waist, holding onto him tight.

Never breaking contact, he carefully made his way up the stairs and to his bedroom knowing everything was right.

You gotta tell me it's true
That you feel the same
I'm so much better when
I say you're name

Let me be with you tonight
Everything will be just fine
With you tonight.