April 18, 2009
Saturday Afternoon
Not even a week after their Easter weekend at Justin’s house, Shelby found herself yet again in his driveway. This time she was merely dropping off her children as Justin said he wanted to take them for the day. Shelby hadn’t wanted to at first, but after she found out that her band was spending the day in the studio, it seemed only natural for Justin to take them.
Just go in, Shelby. It’s not that big of a deal, he doesn’t have the same control over you as he used to. You are not going to fall at his feet the moment he opens his mouth and turns those beautiful piercing blue eyes on you. What are you so afraid of? Shelby thought to herself as she reluctantly opened the car door. She looked up and saw Justin walking out to meet them. She took a deep breath and gave herself another mental pep talk. You can do this.
Justin was surprised that Shelby had actually agreed to let him take the kids, at first she had told him no, but for some reason she had changed her mind a few hours later. Whatever her reasoning was, he was glad to see them all. He was not comfortable with the way things had ended between them on Easter. He wanted to at least apologize for his actions.
He went down the drive to meet them and grimaced when he saw the stubborn determination on Shelby’s face. It meant that things had not changed in her mind, she was still mad with him. Well, he thought, I will just have to see to it that she‘s not angry when she leaves.
Justin’s thoughts were interrupted by his daughter as she cried out his name. He opened up his arms and scooped her up. He felt a sense of peace and contentment when he held his daughter close to his chest. It was still sometimes so surreal that he had a child of his own. His blood was running through her veins. His only regret was that he hadn't been around for her birth and the first few years of her life.
He turned his attention to the other children who were standing by Shelby holding her hands and smiled. “How are you guys doing?”
“Good.” Grace answered with a smile on her face.
Oliver just held out his chubby little arms and said up.
Justin picked up the little boy and gave him a big hug before focusing his attention to their mother. “Would you like to come in for a few minutes?”
Shelby didn’t really want to come in, but she found herself nodding and agreed to come in for a few minutes. It couldn’t hurt to come in for a few minutes, after all, she didn’t have to be at the studio for another hour and it didn’t take but ten minutes to get there.
“Would you like anything to drink?” Justin asked when they got inside and into the living room.
“No thanks,” Shelby answered with the shake of her head. She sat down on a chair closest to the door and watched Justin with the kids.
He got them settled with some toys in their room and went back to the living room where Shelby sat waiting. He could tell she was a bit nervous and on edge, and all he wanted was for her to relax around him so that they could be the way they used to be.
“I’m sorry about the way we parted on Easter.” Justin said getting straight to the point.
“I don’t regret saying what I said to you. I just got pissed off because it seemed like you were judging me and trying to tell me how to live my life. I do just fine the way things are right now. I really don’t need to be taken care of, I’m doing just fine on my own. And I don’t actually think I’m with Kristopher just because of the kids. We do have things in common as well.” Shelby replied while defending her previous words.
“That’s fine, it’s your life.” Justin nodded in agreement. In his heart he still didn’t agree with her, even though she was a different person than he’d met all those years ago, she did need someone to take care of her. Someone she could talk to, someone who could calm her fears, who could love her children as their own. He knew there had to be a small part of her that wanted that as well.
“I agree that we should be friends, but I don’t think we need to get into the details of our lives. We just need to be civil for Danielle.”
Justin voiced his opinion of just being civil. He didn’t want Danielle to know two different parents who didn’t ever keep in touch except when to drop her off. He told her he wanted them to be closer than that, he wanted to be more than just two strangers who shared a kid. Shelby agreed with that, but at the same time wasn’t comfortable with forced friendship. They ended the conversation with the agreement to just work on things. They didn’t bring up anything more about Shelby’s relationship with Kit and just kept it to basic small talk.
Justin knew it was just a small step, but he was glad that they had agreed to at least take it slow. He wanted to be a part of Shelby’s life in one way or another.
Shelby left Justin’s house and headed to the studio to meet with the band so they could record the song that she’d wrote the previous week after Justin had picked up the girls. Ryan had told the rest of the band how good the song was, and they wanted to hear it. Shelby played the rough draft for them and they knew it was going to be a good song.
Shelby was still surprised that they even wanted to record her song. She didn't mean to write the song, it just stemmed from an encounter she'd had with Justin. At first she didn't think she had the voice for it, but the band had worked on the arrangement and she was now confident that she could sing it.
Shelby made it to the studio with ten minutes to spare and went to find her boys. It wasn't necessary, however, as they were waiting for her in the lobby.
"'Bout time!" Scott exclaimed jumping to his feet.
"I'm not late," Shelby stated matter-of-factly with one eyebrow raised.
"Well, still, you're the last one here. We were starting to get bored while waiting for your arrival," Scott answered not missing a beat.
"Are you guys sure you want to record this song? It's quite different than anything we've ever done before. I will understand completely if you don't want to," Shelby said as they walked toward the studio door.
"What's with the negative attitude? That isn't like you." Ryan asked throwing an arm around her shoulders.
"I don't know, this song is just really personal I guess," she answered with a slight shrug.
"Don't even worry about it. I guarantee this song is perfect. It might even make a good single," Ryan said reassuringly.
Shelby just let it go at that and decided to trust her boys to make the right decision about the song. She switched gears in her head and began to think about the next few months and how much they had to do. Their new record was due out in a month. All of the songs had been chosen and were completely finished with the exception of this one. The only reason they were able to hold back production for this song, was because the executives had heard it and knew it had a lot of potential. They were making a new slot for it on the record, they had felt that the rest of the songs were solid so they weren't going to replace it, merely add it to the line up.
Their first record Welcome to My Life had done very well and this record was one of the most hightly anticipated releases this year. The buzz was a mixture of both good and bad reviews. Some people thought that they may have peaked with the success of their first album, while others said this was going to blow their first one out of the water.
Thankfully their success hadn't changed any of the band members. They were just as down to earth and approachable as they had been before they had reached fame. They didn't care so much about record sales as they did about performing live and interacting with fans. They still went out to their merch table after every show and every event they always made sure to greet some of the fans.
After they finished recording the song, the boys decided to have a barbeque at Ryan's place. He had an outdoor heated pool and it was much warmer than it normally was for early April. Ryan had talked Shelby into coming with him to the store to help him pick up the groceries when she remembered she had to go pick up the kids at Justin's. Ryan told her to just invite him so Shelby found herself dialing his number and waited for him to answer.
"Hello?" Justin answered after several antagonizing rings.
"Justin?"
"Hey Shelby, what's up?" Justin asked sensing her hesitancy.
"We finished recording and Ryan decided to have a barbeque at his house because he has an outdoor pool that's heated and today is actually warm outside. Anyways, did you maybe want to come?"
Justin was touched at her nervousness and smiled even though she couldn't see him. "Of course I'll come. I'm always up for a good time. Can you come pick us up? I don't have any car seats."
"Sure, I'm headed to the store with Ryan right now, but he said we could pick you up on the way back. We have his SUV which has booster seats.
"Will we all fit?" Justin asked doing a mental head count.
"We'll figure it out. I've got to go now, we just pulled up to the store. We'll see you in a bit." Shelby said before she hung up the phone and moved to follow Ryan into the store.
After buying everything from hamburgers to alcohol and everything in between, they were on their way to pick up Justin and the kids. Ryan had booster seats for both Danielle and Oliver so that wasn't going to be a problem. The problem was, however, the fact that they had three other people to fit and only two more seats.
Shelby gave Ryan the directions to get to Justin's place just in case he had forgotten since the last time he'd been there was two years ago. It didn't take them long at all to make it to Justin's house and Shelby smiled when the whole clan came outside to meet them.
"Hey baby," Shelby said getting out to hug Danielle.
"Daddy said we're going to have hot dogs, are we mommy?" Danielle asked.
"We sure aer. Did you have fun with daddy?" Shelby asked.
"Yep."
"How bout you guys? Did you have fun with Justin?" She asked Gracie and Oliver hugging them each in turn.
"Hey man, how are you doing?" Ryan asked greeting Justin.
"Good and you?" Justin nodded.
"Good too. So I figure the only way this is going to work is if the kids are in the back and Shelby sits on your lap."
Shelby saw the look on Ryan's face and wanted to kick it right off of it. "Why don't I drive and you sit on Justin's lap."
"Sorry kiddo, nobody drives my car, but me." Ryan said getting back in.
The kids were in the back seat waiting for them so Shelby had little choice but to agree and climb up onto the seat on Justin's lap. When Ryan had the vehicle started they drove backward quickly causing Shelby to stumble. She felt Justin's hands at her waist and couldn't help but feel them burning into her flesh. She could refuse to react to it which is what she decided to do. She was still deciding if she wanted to relax or not when Justin spoke.
"Relax, it's not like we haven't done this before," Justin whispered for her ears alone.
Deciding to just ignore the past, Shelby did finally relax. If he wanted to be friends, let them be friends. That didn't mean they would be like they used to be. If she was being honest with herself, she did need more stable friendships in her life. After her bad parting with Carrie, she needed more friends.
The rest of the ride to Ryan's passed by in an easy comfortable silence and for the first time in a long time, Shelby didn't feel awkward in Justin's presence. It was like the beginning of a new season.
"Are we going to your house, Uncle Ryan?" Grace asked from the back seat when they had turned onto his street.
"Yes we are, Scott and Jason will be there too." Ryan answered.
"Do you mind if I invite someone? I was supposed to meet up with JC later," Justin asked.
"Sure, that's fine, the more the merrier." Ryan nodded as he pulled into the driveway.
"How's Carrie doing?" Justin asked unaware of the situation with Carrie.
"No, we don't talk to her anymore." Shelby answered quickly. She unobtrusively kicked his leg lightly hoping he would get the hint to drop it.
Shelby looked at Ryan to make sure he was okay before opening the door to let her and Justin out. When they were alone again, Shelby would tell Justin what had happened, but this was neither the time nor the place.
"I'm ready." Danielle said from the backseat.
"We know you are," Shelby opened the back door and started to unbuckle her. Whenever they went any where, Danielle would announce that she was ready and Oliver had recently started doing the same thing. It was annoyingly cute when Oliver had started doing it because he couldn't quite pronounce the 'd' so it sounded more like I'm rea'y. It was still cute, but it was starting to get annoying as the impatient chorus of 'I'm ready's' would persist.
They unloaded all the kids and the groceries and headed into the house that Ryan shared with the boys. Scott and Jason had already got the grill fired up and had the stereo and speaker system set up outside in the fenced in backyard.
"Nice place you have here." Justin commented as they walked through the house to the kitchen which actually had a door that led out into the backyard.
"Thanks man, this was our first big purchase I guess you could say. We all own a third of it. We didn't really think there was any sense in all three of us," he said referring to himself, Jason, and Scott, "getting three apartments or anything like that. We're not here much anywhere. We're usually either touring or at Shelby's house."
"Sounds like a smart idea to me." Justin nodded. He watched Shelby moving around the kitchen in such ease and left the room to call JC when he realized where his thoughts were headed.
Shelby started putting groceries away, aware of Justin's every move; she didn't mean to, she just couldn't help it--it was something she had always done. She couldn't help but feel relieved when he left the room.
"What's up with you two now?" Ryan asked sitting on a stool at the bar on the other side of the counter.
"There's nothing up with us. He's Danielle's father, we have to be friends."
"You can be civil to each other for her sake, and still not hang out."
"I know and agree but he's the one who suddenly wants us to be friends. I didn't really want to at first, but then I just said whatever. I'm not letting him close enough to let him hurt me again."
"Just be careful darlin', when you two are around each other you are like magnets. There's something that has always been there that draws you two together. I don't want to see you hurt again."
"Don't worry, Ryan. I know what I'm doing, and I think you for being concerned. You are my best friend." Shelby answered, moving to hug him around the waist.
"I feel the same way. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we were just attracted to each other. That way, we could be together and it might make things easier." Ryan answered returning her embrace.
"I wouldn't want anything to ruin our friendship. You saw what happened with Brad, we were best friends before we started dating and then we tried to make a relationship. After we broke up it ruined everything we had. We maybe talked twice in the year after we broke up. I haven't spoke to him since. The sad thing is that I never wanted the relationship at all," Shelby sighed. "Oh well, thats life I guess."
"Is Kit working?" Ryan asked changing the subject.
"Yes, he is. I understand that he's the manager, but he really needs to stop working so much. I guess it won't really matter soon anyway, because we'll be going on tour soon and I'll be doing my own thing anyway." Shelby added.
"If you feel that way, why are you even with him?"
"Oh don't you start on me too," Shelby groaned.
"What do you mean?"
"Justin gave me the 'why are you with him' speech on Saturday. He basically said I was only with him for the kids, which isn't true."
"Shelby let me be honest with you for a minute. As an outsider with no interest in getting involved, I don't think you really love him. I think he was the first person you found after Justin and you decided to settle. Don't get me wrong, I think he's good for you, but it does seem that your heart is just not into it. I'll leave it at that because I don't want you mad and I don't want to interfere." Ryan said.
"I know what you mean, I thank you for your concern, but I know what I'm doing. Anyway, let's not discuss this any more. Let me just start puttin some of this food together. Go find my babies and make sure they're not getting into something. With Scott and Jay there's no telling what they're doing," Shelby said smiling at the truth behind that comment.
Cooking was another thing that Shelby had become good at since living on her own with three children. She didn't want her kids to grow up on ready made meals so at least five days a week she cooked real food for them. She still lived a busy life so foods like pizza and macaroni and cheese did grace the table a few times, but she did her best to make them real meals. There was nothing wrong with macaroni and cheese, but when she made the dish, it ended up being the only thing the kids would eat. They loved it so much which was why Shelby didn't cook it very often, she would save it for a treat.
Focusing on the task at hand, Shelby started taking out the ingredients she'd need. They had decided on traditional barbeque foods like burgers, dogs, and brats. She had elected to make potato salad as well as homemade beans, and strawberry shortcake dessert. She also planned on cutting up some fresh fruit. She set water to boil with the eggs and started peeling potatos when Justin came wandering in.
"Need help with anything?" he asked. He leaned against the counter with his hands in his pockets in a way that would make even Shelby admit he was sexy.
"You can help me peel these spuds," Shelby answered without revealing her thoughts.
"Sure, got an extra peeler?" Justin asked moving to stand right next to her.
"Here, you can use this one, I'll just use a knife." Shelby handed Justin the peeler and grabbed a small paring knife from the drawer.
"I remember a time when i wouldn't have trusted you with a knife, I'm proud of how far you've come," Justin said conversationally.
"Yeah, I haven't felt that way for about a year and a half. Now whenever I have bad thoughts or feelings I just go running. It really helps me clear my head of whatever is bothering me," Shelby nodded grabbing another potato.
"We should go running together sometime," Justin added.
"Maybe."
Justin didn't comment on her non-commital statement, but rather just continued to peel his potatos.
"How's Cameron?" Shelby asked breaking the silence.
"I wouldn't know, I haven't talked to her in ages. We broke up a long time ago."
"Really? I'm sorry."
"No you're not. You hated her." Justin smiled knowing what he said was true.
"Yeah well, you were dating her and broke up, that still sucks." Shelby said in weak defense.
"We were way over due to split up. I should have broke up with her while you guys were still on tour with us. No need to say I told you so, but it's true." Justin stopped peeling for a moment and just watched her. He felt a big of longing for what could have been and tried to concentrate on peeling, but couldn't.
Shelby felt herself being scrutinized and refused to look at Justin. She didn't want to see the expression on his face. She quickly tried to think of a way to lighten and change the mood but was failing miserably.
"How's Brad?" Justin asked after sesning her uncomfort.
"Not to sound like a parrot, but I don't know. I haven't talked to him in a long time. I talked to him maybe twice in the year after we broke up, and none since then. The relationship pretty much ruined our friendship, just like I said it would."
"That sucks."
"Yeah, I guess," Shelby nodded.
Shelby thought it felt rather weird to be sitting here talking to Justin about their ex's like it was some every day occurrence. She didn't think they would ever really get along again, but here they ere chatting it up.
"Is JC coming?" Shelby asked.
"Yeah, he's probably on his way now. He seemed pretty excited to be coming." Justin nodded.
"Cool. Have you guys talked about reuniting Nsync at all?" Shelby asked.
"Really? You had to go there?" Justin answered feeling annoyed.
"It's just a question."
"I know, it just gets a little old after a while. We have no plans to reunite or whatever. We meet up once in a while to hang out, but we're all living our own lives now. Don't you talk to Joey anymore? I'm sure he would tell you the same thing."
"Yeah, I still talk to him, but I just wanted to get your take on it. I didn't mean to be annoying."
"I know, I'm sorry."
The two of them fell into a silence that was only broken when JC entered the room about twenty minutes later.
"I never thought I'd see the day when the two of you were working side by side in a kitchen. I'm surprised there are no dead bodies yet."
"Ha ha, funny," Justin answered dryly.
"Come here." Shelby smiled holding out her arms.
JC hugged the young woman and spun her around in a circle. The last time he'd actually seen her for more than five minutes at an award show, was when she was on tour with them.
"How have you been?" Shelby asked stepping back.
"Pretty good, how about you? I hear the band is doing good." JC answered.
"I'm doing good and so is the band. It's still had to believe that people actually like us and that we took off so fast. I feel blessed daily."
JC opened up his mouth to respond when little feet came running in.
"Uncle Josh!" Grace exclaimed, her whole face lighting up at the sight of him.
"Hey Grace, look at you, you're getting so big!" JC said picking her up. She was almost too big to be picked up, but JC still managed it. JC and Grace had always had a close bond and it was cute to see them together.
"Me too!" Danielle said standing on her toes as to appear taller.
"My goodness you have grown too," JC said with a smile. He set Grace back down and picked up Danielle in a bear hug.
Oliver trailed after his sisters and just stood there staring at JC.
"Who is this handsome young man." JC asked squatting down to the little boy's level.
"He's our brother." Grace answered.
"Wow, I didn't even know you had a brother."
"He's like me and Grace. We all had different mommy's and daddy's, but now we all have the same mommy and daddy."
"Danielle-Nicole!" Shelby said feeling her face turn red. She had never heard Danielle talk about Justin as Grace and Oliver's dad.
"Oh, sorry. We all have the same mommy, but I told them we could share my daddy," she said. "Ain't that right, daddy?"
Justin could feel Shelby's stare burning through him as the whole room awaited his answer. He had one of two choice: he could either agree with his daughter and say that he'd be proud to be their daddy, or he could just deny it and break his daughter's heart.
"Well I can be their daddy some days, but it's not like you and me baby. If me and mommy were together then we'd be a family. It is just complicated," he explained to her gently.
"Okay," Danielle nodded.
"Why don't you say we let them get back to cooking," JC said holding out his hands. The girls each grabbed one of his hands and headed outside to play, Oliver trailing behind them not wanting to hold hands with anyone.
"Sorry about that," Justin apologized. "I promise I didn't say anything like that or encourage her."
"I know, Justin. She just wants us to be a family. She's too young to understand," Shelby answered suddenly feeling really worn out.
"I want that too," Justin blurted without thinking.
Justin's statement was met with an awkward moment of silence. Shelby had no idea what to say to that.
"That wasn't meant to come out quite like that. I do want us to be a family, but I didn't mean to shock you," Justin added.
"I can't do this again, Justin. I won't. I'll be your friend, but that's all I have to give," Shelby answered after she'd had a moment to digest what he'd said.
"I respect that," Justin nodded.
"Thank you."
They spent the rest of their time in the kitchen in a comfortable silence. The awkwardness of the moment prior wasn't forgotten by either of them, but neither did it make things weird between them. Justin eventually went outside with the others while Shelby finished the sides.
When the food was all finished they set up the picnic table in a buffet style while everyone could just pick the food they wanted. Everyone was so hungry that by the time they went through the line and had all the seconds they wanted, the food was pretty much gone. It was a good thing because left overs rarely got eaten unless Shelby took them home.
After all the food had been cleared everyone sat around the fire pit talking. JC was curious to know what the band was up to and how their new record was coming along.
"We just finished recording our last song today. We were done two weeks ago, but Shelby wrote a new song just before Easter. Ryan heard the song and knew it would be a hit so we had to record it. We actually have a copy of what we recorded today if you want to hear it." Scott answered explaining everything to JC.
"No, he doesn't want to hear it." Shelby said shaking her head. She did not want Justin to hear the song while she was there.
"Actually I do," JC retorted unaware of Shelby's reasoning behind not wanting to hear it.
Ryan knew why she didn't want them to play it, but he wasn't able to persuade them to not play it.
"Fine, just play it." Shelby said throwing her hands in the air.
"Why don't you want me to hear it?" JC asked finally realizing how bad she didn't want it played.
"It's personal and I'm not sure if I'm ready for people to hear it," she answered.
"So in other words it's about me and you don't want me to hear it?" Justin stated.
Something rose up inside Shelby as she stood up. She wanted to slap him across his smug face, but instead she went to retrieve the CD form Scott's car. She came back and put it in Ryan's CD player and met Justin's gaze head on as she pushed play. "Here it is if you want to hear it so bad," she said before sitting down.
He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back
Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious
Shelby stared at Justin intently during the whole first verse, daring him to look at her, but instead he stared straight ahead as if concentrating on the song. She wanted him to know that the song was about him and that empowered her to continue to look at him. It was about time he understood how she was really feeling.
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
Justin listened to the first few phrases and knew she was, in fact, singing about him. He was the one she had to let go because he'd never love her back. That hit him in the stomach, she'd let him go because he couldn't love her back. How hard that must have been for her.
He's disappearing
Fading Steadily,
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
He would have to prove to her that he did in fact love her. Even if he could only show her love as a friend, he could, no he would do it.
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
Though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Ryan watched the emotions play across Justin's face as he listened to the song. He smiled secretly and knew that Shelby was in trouble. There was no way the boy was going to give up on her so easily. He was making it too obvious that he wanted her more than just as a friend. He wanted her for keeps. Ryan doubted that Shelby could get that, but Ryan knew how Justin was feeling.
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Shelby sat back in her chair with her arms crossed when the song ended and still stared at Justin. She had quit looking at him for a while as she just closed her eyes and listened to the song, but she'd opened them the moment the song was over.
"That was really good," JC said breaking the silence.
Shelby stopped staring Justin down and looked at JC. "Thank you. I wasn't going to do anything with it at first, but Ryan pitched it to the others and they liked it."
"You have some really good songs that you have written. We should really try workin on something together sometime," JC added.
"Thank you. I don't know if I'm that good, but I try. I'm mostly inspired by whatever is happening in my life or just the world around me," Shelby said, humbly accepting his praise.
"Well, my darlings I say we wrap this up this mushy stuff and play some games," Ryan said changing the subject.
The rest of the evening was spent on playing games and just talking. After all was said and done Shelby gave Justin a ride home. He would have rode home with JC, but JC had to leave early and Justin wanted to stay longer and spend time with Shelby and the kids.
"Thanks for inviting me, I had a lot of fun," Justin said when they pulled up in front of his house.
"You're welcome. I'm glad you could come, it was a good time. The kids enjoyed spending time with you," Shelby said with a slight smile.
"Your schedule is going to get busy soon, isn't it?" Justin asked trying to prolong the conversation.
"Yeah, we don't know anything for sure, but we have a meeting on Monday to discuss the next few months. I'm sure we'll be releasing the first single then promoting the record and tour this summer."
"Sounds like a busy time. I have to say, I don't miss that part of the life much. If you need any help with the kids, just let me know," Justin added.
"Thanks, I will."
Justin bid his farewell and Shelby watched him walk into his house before driving away.
She was looking forward to the next few months just to keep her mind occupied. The fact that she loved her job and performing was just an added bonus. Whatever the next few months would bring, she was looking forward to it. Bring it on.
*Near to You as performed by A Fine Frenzy
Author's Chapter Notes:
sorry for the long wait, hope it was worth the wait :).
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