Chapter 19

February 1st, 2006

Orlando, Florida

11:11 am

"JC, Chris called me a few moments ago, today is James birthday" Justin said, "he want us to come… you know… Matt, Katie, you and me".

"You go with the kids, I… I am not in the mood…" JC said discouraged.

"JC… you can’t be like that forever…"

"Justin, you don’t know how this feels!"

"But you don’t do anything… you’re only spending your time here… locked in your apartment… and you’re not even have the courage to say Katie what is going on… or open that fuckin’ letter…"

"That it’s not of your business"

"JC… it’s just a letter…"

"I’ll read it when I want" JC said without looking him, "Just take the kids to the party…"

"I will…" he said leaving the kitchen.

11:37 am

            Katie entered to the kitchen.

"Daddy… are we going to James’s party today?"

"You’re going with Matt and your Uncle Justin…"

"But I wanna go with you…"

            JC took her in his arms and sat her on one of the kitchen’s inns.

"You really want me to go with you?" he asked.

"Yes…"

"Well… then I guess I’ll go with you…" then he drank some coffee.

"Ok… hey dad… when are going to see mom?"

            JC didn’t answer; he didn’t know what to say to her. Justin was right, JC was being a coward, which was the truth, and he did not have the courage to read that piece of paper, or tell Katie that Nyah wasn’t there anymore. JC stared at his daughter.

"Daddy… mom must be really angry with you for not going to see her…"

"I don’t think she’s angry…” he said

"Have you went to see her alone?" the girl asked.

"No… Katie… is just… mom is not here anymore…"

"I know, she’s at the hospital"

"No, my little princess, she’s not at the hospital either… mom is gone"

"She’s gone…? Where did she go? She didn’t even say goodbye…"

"Mom it’s not going back, honey…"

"Where is she…?"

"Hmm… she is… in heaven…" he said taking her on his arms.

"Heaven…? So… that means we’re not seeing her again…?"

"Oh no… you can see her every night… you just have to look outside your window and watch the sky… and the most shiny star you see that’s mom… and she will always be with you, with Matt and with me"

            Justin entered the kitchen in that moment.

"Uncle Justin…" Katie said

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"Did you knew that mom went to heaven and now she is a shiny star"

            Justin looked at JC. He hadn’t given her the best explanation about death, but she will understand better in the future. JC said no with his head to Justin.

"No, Katie I had no idea…" Justin said, "Is that true, JC?" he asked.

            JC nodded.

February 2nd, 2006

Orlando, Florida

23:55 pm

            They were a few minutes missing for February 3rd. JC couldn’t sleep… it had been a month since Nyah’s death, but he could not take her face out of his head, it wasn’t easy at all… he loved her so much. He wanted so badly to understand why she decided to kill herself, but the only answer that he could get was on the letter.

He sat on his bed, turned on the lamp on the nightstand and took the letter from the nightstand. His name was on the envelope, he opened it slowly and started to read.

"

Josh:                                                                                            

            I supposed you know what happened now that you’re reading this… and that is the reason of this letter.

            I don’t want you think that I did this because I still thought that you were cheating me with Kyra, ‘cause I know you’re not. And I don’t want you to blame yourself because of this… the only guilty of this whole thing is me… and I want you to know that I believe that this is the best for you and the kids.

Josh, I wasn’t going to overcome my addiction, it was something impossible, and it was dangerous that for me not to quit it, besides, I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life locked here in this rehab center, it is too hard for me to be away from you and the children, I need love constantly, all day long… I realized that the last time I was here.

            I hope you understand my reasons… and why I did it. I want to ask you to love very, very much our children, they love you so much and they’re gonna need you now… they don’t need me… they don’t need an alcoholic mother…

            Josh, I know this is going to be hard for you, as well as is going to be for Matt and Katie, but you have to know that I loved you every moment, and of course I loved the kids too… I’ll always be there with you and the kids no matter what… I hope you forgive me for this.

Maybe what I’m about to write its going to sound a little funny… or crazy… but If you want to bring another woman in your life… it wouldn’t be a problem for me. You know… it will depend of Matt and Katie now, but I’m pretty sure they will want to see you happy.

            Well… you know my reasons now; this is not your fault… it’s mine… for being so selfish and stupid… with you and me… you always loved me… and I didn’t see it when I was mad at you. Don’t worry for the pain you’re feeling now… I know it will pass soon and you’ll be ok.

What I want to tell you is that I love you with all my heart… and I hope you never forget me. I love you… and take care of yourself and the kids.

                                                                                                                 Nyah Chasez”

            Tears were falling through JC’s cheek. That was her reason?! That stupid… addiction?! It was a stupid reason though. Justin knocked at the door in that moment.

"JC, are you awake?" he asked opening the door

"Justin…"

"May I come in?"

"Yeah… sure…"

"What happened…" he asked when he saw him crying

"She killed herself because... of her addiction…"

            Justin didn’t know what to answer. He looked at JC’s hands, he was holding the letter. Then he understood everything... JC had decided to read Nyah’s letter.

It was sad what JC was saying, but there was nothing he can do now.

"'C… don’t be like that…" Justin said sitting next to him on his bed

"And what do you want me to do?!"

"You have to think positive... specially now... Matt and Katie can’t see you like this, it wouldn’t be good for them…"

"But... what a stupid reason... and everything is my fault…"

"Listen… this isn’t your fault, JC… you didn’t kill her… she took that decision… you have to respect it... besides, there was nothing you could do to stop her from doing it…"

"But it’s my fault…" he said looking the letter, "If I wouldn’t had something with Kyra none of this will be happening… we would be ok now…"

"But 'C… don’t blame yourself because of this… she forgave you…"

"So what... she killed herself anyway…"

            Justin didn’t know what to say anymore. JC was convinced that all this was his fault… and in some facts... it was.

“What were you here, do you want to tell me something?” JC asked changing subject

“Yes... is about Matt...”

“What happened?”

In that moment Matt entered to JC’s bedroom with Katie.

"Did you tell him?" Matt asked.

"No… you’re safe... for now..." Justin said

            JC looked at them confused. Then Katie noticed that his father had some tears in his cheeks and ran to him.

"Daddy… what happened?" she said hugging him

"Nothing, honey… I was just a little sad…" he said kissing her forehead

"So... do you want to know what this demon did?" Justin said in a funny way about Matt

Justin was trying to cheer up Justin.

"No… what did he did?"

"Well… you know I was sleeping really good when I heard someone entering to the room… I thought I was dreaming, but then... he climbed on top of the bed and started hitting me with a pillow repeatedly" Justin said, "He is a demon!"

            JC smiled and looked at Matt. He was the reason why Nyah had come back to him. He understood something in that moment. He had a reason for living... his kids... they were his life now... and he has to be there for them…