I stir awake as the sunlight hits my face. I put my face down into the pillow but I’m a very light sleeper and there is no way I’m getting back to sleep after been woken up. I tiredly open my eyes and feel the weight of Justin’s arm slung across my waist casually. I turn to look at him as he sleeps lazily, curled up against my still body. I move away from his slowly as I realize just how naked I am, pulling a blanket off the bed and wrapping myself in it. I lean up against my dresser and put my hand to my forehead, wondering just what the hell we’re supposed to do now. Where do we take it from here?

Justin stirs slightly and I jump in fear that he’ll wake up and I’ll be forced into a conversation that I don’t want to partake in. I shuffle off to the bathroom and I can smell him on me. I turn on the shower and turn it hotter than I normally like it, immediately rubbing some body wash in between my hands and lathering it all over my body. I step under the running water as the suds run off my body in a vain attempt to wipe him away from me. I know I may be able to get rid of his scent, but I’ll never be able to get rid of the feeling of him in me.

Arms wrap around my torso and I feel him press his body up against my back. His lips find my shoulder and start working their way up and his hands work their way down. I struggle against him for a moment as his mouth tries to get me to slip into that comatose like state that I used to when we were together. The one that lets you see and feel only that one person. And I’m not going to do that anymore.

“Stop,” I finally say, pushing his hands away from my body as I cover my breasts with my arms, leaning against the opposite wall across from him. He is clearly annoyed and frustrated with my refusal to pretend like things are fine. His friend down there seems even more disappointed as Justin turns the shower to cold water. I roll my eyes and grab a towel, heading for the bedroom.

I search through my dresser drawers in a panic as I hear the water shut off in search of some clothes but I have yet to drag my lazy but down to the local Laundromat since I moved in which means I have nothing clean to wear which means I have to spend at least ten minutes going through my hamper to see what I haven’t managed to stain. I’m notorious for getting anything red on my clothes. Tomato sauce, ketchup, fruit punch, stew and anything else that comes baring that color. Justin used to think it was cute, stuffing a napkin in the top of my shirt. Not that it helped, he just liked to annoy me.  

I spill my hamper over and start throwing clothes in a million different directions until I feel someone behind me. I stop my frantic pace for a minute as my heart picks up where my hands left off, beating out of my chest. I feel him kneel down behind me and run his hands down my arms, “Beth, don’t push me away.”

Push him? I feel like killing him for not being there for me, not understanding that I needed him, needed him to tell me everything was going to be okay. He takes the towel that I had wrapped around me and lets it sink to the floor, turning me around to kiss him. I let him kiss me but I add nothing to the embrace. His arms wrap around my waist and hold me against his body. I don’t move or speak as he moves me to the bed. He presses himself against me as I lay on the bed talking nonsense about how much he loves me and that he’s so happy that we are working on us. Ha.

He removes his towel and kisses my body. My only thought is to go to the nightstand and chuck a condom at him. He freezes as I do so and looks at me to see my expression. I played poker before however and there is now way in hell I’m going to give him the satisfaction of knowing what I’m thinking. He watches me closely while he slips the horrid glove over him and goes between my legs.  

I shut my eyes as he enters me and I realize that by doing so, I can block him out. In fact, I block out just about everything. Kind of like floating over your body watching yourself. I should have let him do this as soon as I came back to work. There is no talking or ignoring the elephant in the room, no awkward silences. I really thought this would be painful to ever do again, but in reality it’s numbing. This way Justin can think whatever he wants and I can know it means nothing.

He hits a spot that causes my body to spasm and I keep my eyes closed. He must reach his climax because he’s panting on my chest. I push him off my chest and he jumps a little at the move. I can feel his eyes staring at me but I’m too close to drifting off to sleep to care.

“So, you want to just hang out here for the day?” he asks.

“I don’t care,” I respond, rolling over and finally going back to sleep.

________________________________________________________________________

We spent the day at Beth’s and then eventually made it back to my house. So for all of you who are wondering what the hell is going on, the answer is I have absolutely no idea. I’m not stupid though, and the whole sex thing was just a way to block me out even further. I have never known a girl to be able to use sex in that way but she managed. I was trying to connect with her and what happens? She goes and shuts down on me.

She barely says more than two words to me period and it really has me worried. Right now she’s puttering around the kitchen just to be able to avoid sitting down on the porch with me. She’s about as closed off as I’ve ever seen her. I ordered pizza hoping that a little pizza and alcohol might lead to a conversation but she has yet to join me.

I wait a few minutes to she if she’s close to finishing up whatever ridiculous task she has found to keep her occupied until finally I get tired and call for her, “Beth?”

“What?” she asks.

“Are you going to come sit down and have a slice of pizza?”

My question hangs in the air unanswered for a few moments before she calls back, “I’m not that hungry.”

I pause for a minute before getting up and making my way through the house until I spot her holding a cup of tea in her hand and gazing out the window. I cock my head to the side before interrupting her daydreaming, “Why aren’t you hungry?”

Beth jumps as my voice startles her and a little tea spills over onto her hand, “Shit,” she mutters.

I grab a napkin and wipe of her hand, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” she mutters as she backs up, putting space between us.

“Can we talk?” I ask in exasperation.

Beth sighs, “Wouldn’t you just rather have sex?” she asks, running her finger up my arm.

It’s my turn to pull away, “Stop.”

“What?” she asks confused.

“I know what you’re doing. I don’t want to have sex I want to talk.”

“Well I don’t,” she responds aggressively.

The hurt is evident in her voice and I put my arm out to her. She’s starting to fall apart and I want to catch her before she falls to far away from her to catch her. I move towards her until she’s backed into the wall with nowhere to go. 

“Why don’t you just leave me alone? I have nothing left to give,” she whispers.

I shake my head at her, “I just want you. Why can’t you see that?”

“Because I need something else… someone different than you. I feel more lost when I’m with you then I have ever felt. It’s like I’m stuck in some world where time stands still and reality doesn’t apply to you.”

I put my hands on either side of her body, “I know what you have gone through is more traumatic than I can even begin to understand, but I am here for you. I want you here with me. I’m so sorry for the way things turned out when you and I miscarried but we can carry on. We know we’re strong together and that we can each stand alone. Can’t we just give it one more try?”

“I don’t know if I can. I’m not sure I’m that strong to take this relationship on again.”

“Than lean on me.”

For the first time in I don’t know how long she looks me in the eye, “Let’s just take it slow.”

Victory is in sight, “I swear Beth, we’ll move as slow as you want to. Let’s just talk everything out alright? Keeping everything bottled up is just bound to blow up in our faces. Let’s talk like we used to, and I mean really talk.”

Beth nods, “Alright.”

I put my hand slowly around her neck and lead her into the enclosed porch. She actually sits down next to me and leans against the back of the sofa.

I decide to begin the conversation, “What do you need from this relationship?”

Beth pushes her hair from her face, “I need you to listen to me, be there when I need you to without having to ask. I’m not saying you have to be a mind reader or anything but when big things come up like what did, I really wanted you to stand by me.”

“Okay, I can do that,” I assure her.

“And I need to work. This whole thing of just being your girlfriend does not work for me. I need to do my job and feel I have done it well.”

I feel a noose being placed around my neck, “I’ll work on it.”

“But most of all I want to know that if this situation ever came up again, not that it would, but if it did you would stand up and say, “We’ll do this together.”

“Beth, I would change everything about what I did. And I also think that maybe, somewhere down the road we could have a baby.”

Beth’s eyes cloud over, “We, as in you and me?”

“Obviously not right away, but I want you to know that if I ever did want to have a baby, I wouldn’t want anyone else to be its mother.”

“I don’t know if I ever want to be a mother,” she warns.

I feel the corners of my mouth go up, “Hon, just because something bad happens doesn’t mean you don’t try again. When Sarah died, you carried on just like you will continue to do. You will make a wonderful mother someday.”

Beth’s head slides over a little at a time until her head hits my shoulder. I didn’t realize how much I missed her until she does something like that. Little moments like these.

“Oh and by the way, if you ever have sex with me like you did this morning, I will throw you in the pool,” I warn her.

“Okay, I can do that,” she mimics.

“I love you.”

Beth smiles in what seems like a century, “I love you too.”

“If you ever leave me again I’ll stalk you.”

“Don’t give me a reason to.”

“I promise never again.”

Beth picks up a slice of pizza and takes a bite, licking her lips from the sauce and takes a sip of beer, “You were right though.”

“About what?”

“It did change everything. You were quite the knight in shinning armor the other night.”

“I may be a little slow, but I will always come through for you.”

“I’m going to hold you to that.”

“That’s okay,” I whisper.