My mom never called so I eventually had to call her after a few days and make her come over. Beth has the day off since she has been sitting around here moping because I really don’t have anything for her to do. I just want her with me but apparently it’s easier for me than it is for her.  Surprise, surprise. Apparently she’s still into the whole, “I have to do my job” thing. I had to fall in love with someone who had a moral fiber and a work ethic.

I look up as my mother comes into the room and sits across from me, “What is so urgent I had to run over here?”

I ignore her, “I thought you would have called. Stupid me.”

Mom looks at me curiously, “And I thought you made it clear you wanted some space.”

“I do. I’m talking about important things that you tell your son that go beyond my asking for space.”

“What are you talking about?”

I shake my head, “Why didn’t you tell me you went and saw Beth?”

Mom stiffens a little, “She told you?”

“She told me because she thought you already had. How the hell did you know where she lived. You told her about Laura didn’t you?”

“Of course I told her about Laura. Did you really expect me not to tell a woman who had just miscarried that Laura was stillborn?”

I laugh instead of screaming because I don’t know what else to do, “So you couldn’t stand her when I was with her but now that she miscarried, which I didn’t tell you in the beginning because I thought you would hit the roof, you trot on over to her. What the hell?”

Mom reaches over and takes my hand, “She scared me.”

“What do you mean she scared you?” I ask, completely confused.

“Justin, you have never felt that way about any single girl you have ever dated. I saw it in your eyes the first time I met her when you checked into rehab.”

“That scared you? I thought you wanted me to fall in love.”

Mom smiles sadly, “Of course I wanted you to fall in love. You were in love with Britney, you were in love with Alyssa and for a very short time you had feelings for Cameron. And through it all I still came first, before all those girls. All of them. And then I saw you with Beth and I knew that suddenly, I wasn’t going to be your number one. It scared me, I was afraid of losing you. But now, I realize that you deserve to be completely in love with someone who loves you right back. She does need to come first and I’m okay with that.”

I put my head in my hands, “I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive me for what I did to her, what I put her through. But I love her more than life itself. I swear.”

She rubs my back gently, “I know you do. You just need to give her some time.”

“I’m losing my mind without her,” I whisper.

Mom chuckles, “I know, believe me I know.”

“What part of this is so funny?”

“It’s not funny, just…. Obvious.”

“I wish Beth saw it that way.”

“I think she does,” mom muses.

I play with the edge of her coat that I have hidden underneath the couch pillow, the one I stole because she no longer lives with me and her perfume brings me some comfort at night. Maybe it isn’t the most mature thing in the world to do but what the fuck am I supposed to do?

________________________________________________________________________

I open the door to my apartment and smile at the face that greets me, “Hi handsome.”

“Hey, I missed you,” Jake says, leaning in and giving me a hug.

“I missed you too,” I say, moving aside so he can get past me.

I have been keeping in touch with Jake while he was doing a few select shows with The Who. Now that he’s in California for a few weeks while recording some things. I’m glad to have someone on my side here since all my close friends are back on the East Coast, including Gia. She’s so busy planning the wedding that I wouldn’t want to bother her with my problems anyway.  

My new apartment is smaller than I would normally like but since I don’t plan on being in LA for very long. My job will be up soon and I’m not renewing the contract even if it means that I have to look for a new career.

Jake scoots up next to me as I put some corn chips into a bowl. I continue doing what I was focused on before he interrupted me and put some salsa in a bowl until he wraps his arms firmly around my waist.   

I let his body hold mine for a minute and I remember the security that Justin’s used to provide for me. He rubs my side gently as an apology for everything I have been through. He knows we broke up, just like every media outlet in the world but for what reason I have remained silent. It’s too personal to share with him or anyone else for that matter right now.

I smile at him, “Thanks for coming.”

“I’m happy to do it.”

I take a chip and pop it in my mouth, “So anything new?”

Jake shrugs, “Not much. Not seeing anyone, just working hard.”

“I heard you’re going on tour again soon.”

“Soon, but not before I take a break to breathe.”

“Good for you. I would have liked a little more time to breathe personally.”

“So how is it working with him?” Jake asks carefully.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say swiftly, ending our conversation.

He takes a seat on the couch and I turn on the TV, flipping through some stations until I find something actually worth waiting five minutes to see if it gets better. Jake’s arm loops around my waist and I realize exactly why he came, and it wasn’t for the TV set.

He kisses my head as he whispers things like “I really missed you” into my hair, going down my face and ending at my neck. I close my eyes as his lips travel over me, thinking that as good as this used to feel when he did it something was missing. I try to block out the reason for why it doesn’t feel right as I move my lips to his. His hand goes under my shirt and skirts around my sides, pushing it up to reveal warm skin.

He pants out my name and pulls off my shirt. His lips travel down my body and I tense up, wishing it would just be over. I try to convince myself that if I can go through with it this one time, the next will be easier and so on. I feel my stomach turn and the contents of the food I just ate rising up in my throat. But then he has to do the most stupid thing possible.

“I love you.”

If I didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have any at all. I push him off me hard and Jake tumbles off the sofa, looking up at me confused, “What’s the matter?”

I have lost my train of thought as I search for his tee shirt that come off during our tryst. I finally find it wedged underneath my body and throw it at him.

“Beth, what is the matter?” he asks concerned.

I run my fingers through my hair, “I just need some space.”

I search for my shirt and Jake stands up, taking my arms and forcing me to face him, causing my search to end, “Just tell me what’s wrong. Please Beth,” he mutters.

He pushes our bodies together, “I love you baby.”

Baby. The only time a guy calls you baby is either when you’re dating and it’s a term of endearment or when they want something. In this case it’s the latter. I shake my head as a severe pounding sound rings through my skull, “Stop saying that. You need to leave right now.”  

My front door opens and I realize it wasn’t me, it was knocking. I freeze along with Jake as Justin comes in. He looks at us and stops mid step, just staring at us. Jake breaks out of his trance and quickly pulls on his shirt, kissing me quickly as he mutters he’ll call me and races past Justin.

I just stare at him as he holds my jacket in his hand that I must have left at his house. His heart looks like it’s breaking and he drops the coat on the floor before turning to leave. I run after him and grab him by the arm, “Justin stop.”

He jerks back like I burned him, “Get the fuck off me.”

I’m so angry I can’t even think strait. I smack him, though I’m not really strong enough to cause any real damage, “I hate you!”

Justin whirls around, “You hate me? You are just about to sleep with another guy and you hate me?”

“It’s all your fault. This is all your fault,” I say, trying to hold it all together but failing miserably.

“It’s my fault you have sex with anything that moves?” he asks angrily.

“If you hadn’t done what you did I wouldn’t have been doing this. If you had said anything to me, come seen me when I left, even called, but you know what? That was way too hard for you.”

Justin takes my arm and moves me away from the doorway, “I am sorry for what I did. Had I thought you wanted me to do any of that I would have done it. How in the world does that excuse you and Jake?”

“Because I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to have sex with anyone ever again after you! You ruined everything. I’ll never be the same again and it’s your fault,” I yell at him.

“Well it looks like you were doing fine on the sex level,” he spits back at me.

“I thought I was going to vomit. You totally screwed me over, you should be proud of yourself.”

Justin and I stare at each other hard, neither wanting to relent. I pull away from him and grab my jacket off the floor, covering myself with it, “Just get out.”

“You’re welcome,” he mutters.

“Go.”

Justin reaches for the handle of the door before turning back around, “How could you do that to me?”

I curl up into the chair and wrap a blanket around my shoulders, “I didn’t do anything to you, we just went over this.”

“How could you sleep with him?”

I turn to a different channel on the TV, “Because I want to get over you.”

Justin storms over and manual shuts off the TV, “You don’t need to get over me.”

“Yes I do.”

“Do you believe in soul mates?”

I roll my eyes, “Oh please Justin.”

“Do you?” he repeats.

“No.”

Justin looks at me, “That’s too bad.”

“That’s life.”

Justin licks his lips subtly before grabbing my arm and kissing my mouth. I pull away but his hold on my is too tight to get away. Before long I completely lose all thoughts of how screwed up this whole situation is and let him carry me into the bedroom, crying on his shoulder through his kisses. I’m not really into having sex which I sense he understands even as he strips me off my clothes and his. His head hits my chest and he sighs, intertwining our fingers after wiping away my tears.

This is so not what I want. I don’t want to get involved with him again and yet here I lie naked with the one guy I swore I would never get close to again, let alone be here in this position.

“You know this doesn’t change anything,” I whisper.

Justin places his face in between my breasts and kiss the skin, “No, it changes everything.”