I am way more nervous than I have ever been in my life. More nervous than when NSYNC played the super bowl, more nervous than when we preformed with Michael Jackson, more nervous than when I went solo and more nervous when I preformed for the first time alone on the VMA’s. Beth is coming back today. I haven’t spoken to her since she left, not that I haven’t thought about it every day for a month. Every damn day.
I missed her just for the fact that her very presence made my life better. As fun as Gia has been, what with all comments and making my coffee so hot that I burned myself trying to take a sip or sending me to interviews hours after they were over. She knows I won’t do anything about it though. She’s not afraid of getting fired anymore since Beth came. I could never fire her best friend; I’m getting what I deserve. And she knows it too. I also think she knows that I love Beth, which is why she has yet to put cleaning products in my food.
The nice thing about the situation now is that the tour is done I am at home in LA, which means that I can have Beth’s undivided attention without interruptions from anyone else. Just the two of us.
The weird thing out of all of this is mom. I guess it is a good and bad thing about my current situation. Ever since I blew up at my mom is that she has been scarcely keeping in touch. I mean she calls every once in a while but she hasn’t been over to see me since I blew up. I assume she’s not mad at me since everything is cordial and it’s not like I was trying to hurt her feelings but it was time she understood everything. She hasn’t said one word about setting me up with the next love of my life or that she is so happy that Beth and I are broken up. In fact, she hasn’t even mentioned her name since my outburst.
My hands start to sweat and I keep wiping them off on my jeans in an effort to try and at least look calm and collected. A car pulls up in the driveway and I peek out to see her walking up the driveway. I hurry over to the couch and flip open a magazine, placing it on my lap as though I’m engrossed in the article on the upcoming winter fashion. The key hits the lock and I listen to it turn as the door opens. I hear footsteps behind me and I swear she has to be able to hear my heart beating out of control.
“Mr. Timberlake.”
I freeze as the name comes out of her mouth. It’s like she’s addressing a stranger, someone she wouldn’t remember tomorrow. I stand up and turn around to face her, highlights now gracing her auburn hair, nails done to perfection, but her eyes have lost their sparkle.
“Justin,” I correct her.
“Whatever you want. That’s what you pay me for,” she answers.
I take a step closer to her and she takes one backwards. Her hands are wrapped so tightly around her planner that her knuckles are starting to turn white. I move to touch her hands but she pulls away, her eyes leaving mine, “What do you want me to do?”
I rub my arm angrily, “Beth.”
“I want to keep our contact to a minimum. Just tell me what you need done.”
I ignore her question, “Does that mean we can never be alone with each other?”
“I’m sure we’ll be alone. The real question is will we ever be comfortable with each other ever again and the answer is probably not.”
Her eyes get glossy but she hardens up like I have never seen her do, “Listen I want to keep this as professional as possible so if you could just tell me what you want me to do so we can make it through this year alright? Just let it go.”
I hang my hands down at my sides in defeat, “I need to have someone put the utensils and shit in the boxes put away in the kitchen now that the tour is over.”
Beth nods and heads off to the kitchen to do her job. I sink down onto the couch as I watch her walk away. I know I shouldn’t have thought that she would magically have forgotten what I said and did last month but I was hoping we could at least have a conversation about it. No such luck.
I hear clattering in the kitchen and I sneak over to at least see her. I watch her as she is on her hands and knees tearing open each box and put things where she thinks they should go. It’s one of those moments where the guy sweeps in and rescues the girl, taking her away from her problems and protecting her from the thing that hurts her most. Unfortunately for me, I’m her pain.
Her hair slightly falls into her eyes and she brushes it away with her forearm in frustration as she rips open another box. She delicately puts away the silverware, making sure that they go in their designated spot.
A voice behind me causes me to jump in the air, “Justin?”
I whirl around, clutching my chest, “Mom?”
She puts a hand on my shoulder, “Are you alright? I called earlier to say I was dropping by to bring you a microwave.”
I stutter a little as I am know standing in the kitchen with Beth painfully aware that I was watching her. Mom looks confused until her gaze looks beyond me to Beth. Understanding comes over her features and I squirm as I move so I’m standing between her and Beth, trying to prevent another attack from occurring. I barely have her in my life but to lose her completely might kill me.
My picks up the box she brought, “Well I’m just going to drop this off and leave you two alone.”
I blink at her and watch in shock as she sets the box down and discreetly touches Beth’s arm. Now I know I’m hallucinating. She kisses me on the cheek and makes her way out of the house. I turn back to Beth but she has her back turned to me as she opens the next box, putting the item away.
I come up behind her until I can smell the shampoo she used in her hair this morning. She must feel me presence behind her because she stops moving and I can see the hairs on her arm go up. I wrap my arms around her in one quick motion and feel her tense up, “Stop.”
I can barely breathe, “I can’t.”
“Please stop, I need to get a jacket or a sweater. Or fuck anything, I’m chilly,” she says, trying to jerk away from my hold on her.
“It’s not cold out,” I whisper in her ear, placing my head against hers.
She starts to tremble as she finally pushes away from me, “I can’t do this again Justin, I just can’t. I have been through enough with you.”
“Can’t we just talk? Please?” I beg her.
“What is there left to say?”
I take her arm and lead her over to the couch, sitting next to her although she is not happy about it, “I am so sorry for the way things happened between you and me and I understand that you were hurt.”
Beth laughs much to my surprise, “I’m so glad you understand I was hurt. That makes me feel so much better knowing that.”
“I am sorry. I’m sorry for the way I acted at dinner, I’m sorry you lost your baby and I’m sorry for the way I acted when I found out.”
“You just don’t get it do you? It wasn’t my baby, it was our baby. Yours and mine. That is what hurts the most, the fact that it never hit you that I was carrying a piece of you too.”
“If I could go back and do it all over, I would have handled it differently. I would have told you that we could have handled it and although WE lost the baby that if we hadn’t, we could have done it,” I reassure her.
Beth looks away from me, “But you can’t go back in time. So if you don’t mind, I would like to make our time together as painless as possible.”
I bite my lip, “Look, I don’t know why you were hired and I don’t know why I acted like I did, but I do know that everything happens for a reason. You and I are supposed to be together. For better or worse, you are the one for me. And because in the end, all that matters is that that one person is there for you no matter what, and I want to do that for you.”
She puts her head back so it hits the back of the couch, “If you can’t handle my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
“Please can’t we try to work things out and give it another shot?”
Beth shakes her head, “I won’t do it again. You were the second hardest thing I have ever had to live through and I did it. I’m not giving you another chance to break my heart. It’s been shattered one too many times for me to want to try again.”
“So what now?” I ask in desperation all the while thinking that I can’t let her get away.
She pushes my hand that was resting on her thigh off, “We forget about us and focus on what we have to do. If you’ll excuse me, I have to put the kitchen together.”
I follow her to the kitchen, “Do you ever wonder what the baby would have looked like?”
Beth stops but doesn’t turn around. I decide to continue, “I spent so many nights laying awake thinking about it I can’t even count them. Whether the baby would have had your eyes, or your smile. Maybe your hands, or your face or maybe your hair color. I thought about you and what a wonderful mother you would have made after having taken care of your brother. It hurt just as much as you do, because I know what I lost too.
She turns around slowly, “How do you think I feel? I wanted the baby.”
Her voice cuts through me like shards of glass. She looks out the window and I lose her attention as she adds, “You can’t make this better. You can’t erase what you did, that only your mother came to see me and you stayed here.”
“My mother? My mother came to see you?”
Beth looks puzzled, “She didn’t tell you?”
“No she didn’t tell me.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway.”
I feel the color drain form my face, “I didn’t know you wanted me to come after you.”
“You missed the boat once again,” she says, walking off.
Then I’m left alone to pick up the pieces of my heart. The thought of not being able to repair this relationship never crossed my mind. I suppose that the extent of her pain was not clear until she stepped into the house. I assumed after we had time to cool down we would just pick up where we left off. I guess reality doesn’t really work like that. But I’m not giving up on her. If I have to spend the rest of my life chasing her I’m going to do it, because I love her.
Now I have to have a conversation with my mother. Why would she have gone to see Beth? And from the context of Beth’s sentence it didn’t sound like it was a cosmic fight that shattered the universe. And why the hell would she have gone to see Beth if the whole time we were dating she wanted to kill her and the second we break up she’s off adopting her as the daughter she never had.
Then a light bulb goes off in my head. Laura.
