I lay on my bed in my room, buried underneath the covers. I haven’t moved in a few days, instead letting my mind wonder. My ipod rests at my side providing with some comfort at night when I feel like screaming. My birth control pills lay scattered over the floor in my closet where I literally threw them at the wall, slamming into it and scattering everywhere. I know they didn’t let me down, I wasn’t prepared for our first night together but it doesn’t make me feel any better. All I feel is empty, unable to keep a hold on anything. My dad, my sister, my boyfriend and my baby.

 I know my mother has some serious questions to ask as to how I could have been so reckless but I have been dodging the question by hiding. She has been doing the best she can to comfort me but secretly I think she’s relieved. She hated him and a baby would have only succeed in making things more complicated. She got her wish, both he hand the baby are gone. A timid voice breaks the silence in the room, “Belle?”

I pull the covers back and peek out, pulling the covers down allowing him access, “Come on in.”

Sam smiles gently as he climbs into my bed, snuggling against me, “Do you think I’m too old to do this?”

“You’ll never be too old to do this,” I assure him.

“I’m glad you’re home.”

I touch his hair gently, smoothing it down, “I missed you.”

He smiles, “It’s never the same when you’re gone.”

“I feel the same way.”

Same bites the inside of his cheek when he’s not sure to ask a question or not. Finally he decides it’s worth a breath, “Are you sad about… you know?”

I take a deep breath and nod, “Yeah, I’m really sad.”

Sam plays with the edge of his shirt, “Did you break up with Justin?”

I lean in and kiss his forehead, “Yeah we did. Not over what happened but because of issues we couldn’t work through. I’m afraid to tell you that there will be no marriage which means no season tickets to see the Lakers. ”

Sam tries to laugh, “You know all I really want is for you to be happy.”

I look at his features. They are already beginning to change from a child’s into a young man’s, “You know, I was the first one you called mom.”

He looks up at me in surprise, “Really?”

I nod, “Mom was working all the time to support Sarah’s modeling and Dad was making sure that she landed her gigs. It was just you and me kid. One day I was playing ball with you on the lawn and right out of the blue you said momma.”

“Well you raised me.”

I smile sadly, “I thought my heart was going to bust out of my chest.”

His arms go around my waist, “I’m sure eventually you’ll get that feeling again.”

“I’m not sure I could ever go through this sort of thing again,” I say more to myself than to him.

“Don’t say that, you’ll make a great mom.”

Someone wraps their knuckles on the door and we both look over to see my mom standing in the doorway, “Sam why don’t you go downstairs and give Beth and I some time to talk.”

Sam leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek as he reluctantly gets up and leaves. I sit up carefully as the conversation I was looking to avoid for as long as possible is now staring me strait in the face. Mom makes herself comfortable next to me, “You have been home a week and we haven’t said more than two words to each other.”

“That’s because I know what you have to say,” I answer, avoiding her eyes.

“How did this happen? I thought we taught you better than to have this happen.” mom asks somewhat desperately.

I roll my eyes, “I don’t know mom. I wasn’t with someone for five years and when the moment came up, I don’t know, I guess I just reacted. We weren’t really thinking when it happened. It’s not like I was purposefully trying to conceive and see what would happen.”

“Did you guys break up?” she probes.

Fresh tears run down my face, “Yes.”

“Over the miscarriage?”

I shake my head, “Over our dinner together. He defended his mother, I defended you and before you knew it, we were over. Then he wasn’t exactly crying when he heard I had miscarried.”

“What did you think he was going to do? Ask if you wanted to try again?” mom says bitterly.

I stand up and move away from my mother, feeling the sudden urge for some space, “Thanks mom that is so helpful.”

Mom stand up, “Look I’m not trying to hurt you. I just can’t understand how someone who had her whole life planned out and never did a rash thing in her entire life could possibly consider having sex without protection.”

“Look mom I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry that I made a mistake, I’m sorry you don’t approve but most of all I’m sorry that I lost my baby. But you know what? I’m used to it. I cannot seem to hold on to anyone, not one person. But I’m not suicidal. I have that going for me.”

My mother comes over and rubs my arms since I don’t have the energy to push her away, “You haven’t lost me and you haven’t lost Sam. I am happy to hear you’re not depressed though. You’re right, I didn’t like him, but it doesn’t mean that if you told me you were pregnant I would ever want you to go through this. I lost a child too.”

I close my eyes, “I didn’t feel anything, you know? I never once felt pregnant. I was so stressed out in the beginning that I never got my period when I started working with him. I just assumed it was like every other time I got stressed. I never thought for a minute I was pregnant and assumed in the back of my mind as it was happening that because I wasn’t getting it, I couldn’t get pregnant.

Mom pulls my body towards her and gently rocks me, “It’s going to be okay sweetheart. In the end everything will be alright.”

________________________________________________________________________

The tour has continued without Beth. Gia has taken her position although she refuses to talk to me although she does call me names under her breath. I can’t argue with her though. I would do exactly the same thing. If I could go back in time I would have handled it differently.

I was so shocked by the news that she was pregnant and has lost the baby I wasn’t really thinking except for the fact I was not ready to be a father. At least at that moment in time. If I had time to really let the whole thing set in, I would have told her we could have done it. As it is, it wouldn’t surprise me if she never spoke to me again.

I hadn’t meant to act like a ass, I just wasn’t thinking correctly. But I miss her. I feel like a piece of me is missing. I told my mother we broke up, I swear I could hear her dancing over the phone. I didn’t tell her Beth was pregnant because I think that would have really sent her up the wall. Not that it matters now.

I sit in a chair with coke sitting in front of me. I know I shouldn’t have, but I was so out of it tonight that I went and bought some. It sits on the table, waiting to be used. To take me to the place that only it can. It taunts me silently, a reminder of what I have tried so hard not to do. I spread some out on the table and look at it hard. All that comes to mind is Beth’s face. Her face leaning over mine the night I almost overdosed, taking care of me. But she wasn’t going to be here tonight.

I start to get angry, at myself mostly. The more I stare at the drugs the angrier I get before I flip the table over, sending the drugs all over the floor. I go onto the bus and close my eyes to try and get some sleep. Although Beth isn’t here, I hope she knows what effect she has had on my life. I can take control of my life by myself. And I have her to thank for that.

________________________________________________________________________

I sit patiently trying to listen to my mom happily go on about her new clothes she bought. It just seems so mindless especially after what has happened in the last week that I can barely stand it.

“And you know I saw Cameron the other day and thought that maybe we could all go on vacation together.”

I look up at her, “Mom, we are not together.”

“But you could. She was always so nice.”

I am so fed up with her I could scream, “Mom, just stop alright? She is not nice. Will you please stop shoving women at me? I just broke up with the only girl I have ever felt like I connected with. And the whole reason we broke up is because I defended you, who doesn’t even know me anymore.”

Mom stops moving, “I know you.”

“Then why didn’t you know I was doing drugs? Why didn’t you know that Cameron and I do not work well together. You know what else you don’t know? Beth was pregnant.”

My mother looks like she’s going to have a heart attack, “What?”

I throw my hand sin the air, “Yep. She miscarried the day after the dinner and I wasn’t exactly what you call supportive. So if you don’t mind could you please just leave me alone?”

Mom leans down and grabs her pocketbook slowly, walking out the door. And there goes my last friend. I am officially alone.

________________________________________________________________________

I have been doing work on my computer from my room. I remove my reading glasses and rub my tired eyes. I have had about enough of looking for another job now that I won’t be renewing my contract with Justin but my wonderful dating life has been splashed across every newspaper in the country which in English means that no one wants to have a assistant who sleeps with her boss.

My mother opens the door, “Hey there is someone to see you.”

“Mom do you think you could tell them I’m busy?”

I hear no answer so I turn around to see Lynn. My jaw hits the floor, “Mrs. Harless.”

“Hi,” she says gently.

My defenses go up, “What are you doing here? If you are here to rejoice that Justin and I have broken up you could have done it over the phone,”

Lynn takes my arm and guides me to sit on the bed with her, “Justin told me that you miscarried.”

I put my arms around myself, “Look I’m sorry alright? It certainly wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Good news is you don’t have to worry about it.”

“I’m sorry.”

I eye her as I stand up, “No questions as to why I did this horrible thing to your son?”

Lynn puts her hand on mine, “I lost my baby.”

“What?” she has me totally confused now.

“I was pregnant with twins. Justin had a twin sister who was still born.”

My emotions start to get the best of me, “You did?”

“In time I healed but I remember how painful it was. You never forget.”

“And you came here to tell me this?”

“I felt you needed to hear it from me personally. I know I would have appreciated someone telling me that rather than judging as to why it happened as apposed to focusing on my grieving period.”

“But you hate me,” I remind her.

Lynn bites her lip, “I know we haven’t gotten along since you started dating Justin and I know part of it is me. I really am sorry that you miscarried because you will always remember the one you lost. Something tells me it won’t be your last.”

“So no questions, no yelling no screaming at me?” I ask, tears brimming.

“No.”

Not even my mother did that. No questions, just comfort and support. I suddenly feel like someone understands what I’m going through and lean into her as she cradles me gently, “You are the last person I ever thought would be hear doing this.”

Lynn rubs my back, “I know. But you know that the only reason I disliked you was because I could see that he loved you, not because I disliked you as a person.”

“Well you don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

“Whether you and Justin ever get back together again is up to the two of you but I want you to know how sorry I am for the way I treated you and your mother. Something tells me though that I’m going to have to worry about you for the rest of my life. You two have something like I have never seen.”

“We just can’t make it work. Nothing will ever be the same.”

Lynn puts her hand on my cheek, “You guys made have needed a break from one another, but in the end you never know what time can heel.”