I regrettably have to get up this morning and go to work for the asshole formerly known as my boyfriend. I’m not sure exactly if we officially ended it or if I have to wait for some big speech on how we tried to make this thing work but we really weren’t meant to be blah, blah, blah, blah. With a cherry on top. He’ll always side with her and I’ll never be able to compete. She’ll always come first, always be the one he compares his girlfriends to and the one I will have never lived up to.

I’m still feeling sick after last night and even the incredible debating abilities of Gia’s could not get me to touch any of the food provided for the crew. I don’t bother to pretty myself up, after all I’m not trying to impress him. I feel like he’s that villain in those Harry Potter books my brother loves so much. He Who Shall Not Be Named. That’s about right.

I called my mom but she wasn’t really in a talkative mood, wondering if we had broken up yet. Even though it is probably the best idea and would make everyone’s life easier, I can’t help but feel a loss. He and I just worked so well together. I know I’ll never forget our connection, the way it felt the first time we kissed, had our first real conversation or made love.

I make my way down to the lobby and sit in my designated seat and watch him perform with no emotions. Unfortunately for me, I’m not that strong. The moment I saw him I felt my heart catch in my throat and it starts to burn from keeping back tears. I hate that I can’t keep it together but he can occasionally make eye contact with me with no expressions on his face. I swear he can feel my pain even with the distance between us. And then it begins to occur to me that maybe there always was a distance that I never saw. Or maybe one I didn’t want to see. We were going down.

Justin gets down off the stage and starts talking to some guy standing yards away from me. He doesn’t even look at me as he snaps his fingers, “I need something to drink.”

I feel my blood boil and spin my head to look at him, “What?”

He turns his head to look at me, “I need coffee.’

I don’t say anything as I get up, rushing out of the arena as the tears I had tried so hard to believe don’t exist start running down my cheeks as the sunlight hits my face. I thought that after everything we had gone through, it would be different. That I meant more to him than some fuck he had one night. But I guess real life isn’t like that. I don’t mean anymore to him than any of those other girls no matter how much time we spent together.

I power walk to the nearest coffee place and pull on my sunglasses that hide my blotchy face. I stare at my feet as I walk and slam the coffee down next to him, walking away before he can ask me anything more should I lose it in front of him. I make a beeline for the elevator and hit the button hard several times though I know it won’t make things move faster.

Someone grabs my arm and I spin around to see Gia, “Are you alright?”

I shake my head no before covering my mouth to keep from making noises as I start to cry. The elevator dings but all I can do is move my body into Gia’s. She rubs my back as she moves the two of us into the elevator and pulls the stop button, “Oh Beth what is the matter?”

I gasp for air as I try to get out a sentence, sinking to the bottom of the elevator, “I.. he… we had dinner and it’s over.”

Gia gives me a puzzled look, “Okay if you could explain that in English that would be very helpful in the understating process.

I sniff and take a moment to breathe, “Justin and I had our mothers over for dinner together and it was a disaster. His mother insulted mine and mine went after his and before you know it he was siding with her and I stood with my mother. To make a long story short, I think we broke up last night.”

Gia puts her hand over her mouth, “No!”

I laugh bitterly, “Yeah and to top it all off he said absolutely nothing to me this morning except for “get me coffee.”   

“I’m going to kill that little bastard,” she starts to mutter under her breath.

I shake my head, “It doesn’t matter now. You were right from the beginning; I never should have gotten involved.”

Gia pushes the stop button in and the elevator starts to move again. She helps me off the floor and we make our way to the hotel room. I immediately lay on the bed, relaxing my nerves and hopefully calming my stomach.

Gia paces the room, “I’m going to go down there and kill him.”  

“If anyone should be volunteering to kill him it should be me. It’s fine G, it doesn’t matter.”

She leans against me as she sits down, “Oh but it does. When you two were together I could see you felt about him the way I feel about Derek.”

“It just doesn’t matter Gia. He only cares about himself and her.”

“Her being Lynn?”

I nod as she rubs my back. I feel something hard against my back as she rubs and I grab her hand, moving her sweater away from her hand to see a ring, “Gia?”

She tries to hide her smile in light of my situation, “Yeah, he proposed to me last night over a sunset picnic.”

I wipe my tears away with my hand and try to smile, “I am so happy for you G.”

“I was going to tell you but it just didn’t seem like the right time when I saw you at the elevator.”

“Oh don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks,” she says, looking at the ring in a daze. I really am happy for her but it still sends knives digging into my heart. It’s not like I thought Justin and I were going to get married but to listen to someone tell you they are getting married when you just broke up with your boyfriend smarts.

But I wish it was me. Having someone beside me for the rest of my life, protecting me and taking care of me. I have to stop thinking about it otherwise I’ll start to cry again and I’m not ruining her moment. I tip my head to hers, “You just let me know when you guys have set a date and I’ll be there.”

“I know you will.”

________________________________________________________________________

Okay maybe asking her to get me coffee wasn’t the perfect thing to say to Beth first thing in the morning after last night but I feel like dying and I wanted her to hurt just as mush as I am. Of course I think I succeeded when she slammed the  coffee down on the table and stormed away. I have been going around looking for her but I have yet to find her so I’m making my way up to her hotel room. I tiredly knock on her door and anxiously wait for Beth to open the door. Unfortunately it’s Gia who opens the door, not Beth, “What the fuck do you want?”

I scowl at her, “You weren’t there last night so please don’t yell at me until you have heard the whole story.”

“So that gives you an excuse for treating her like shit this morning?”

Okay, she has me there.

“Can I just talk to Beth?”

Gia looks back into the room and sighs, opening the door wider so I can come in. I step into the room and look at Beth laying on the bed.

“Listen I am going to go hon. If you need me give me a call.”

“Bye G. Congrats on your engagement.”

I bet that hurts. Gia smiles sadly as she leaves and closes the door behind her. I walk over to the front of the bed and just stand there.

“You want another coffee?”

I sigh in frustration, “I thought you wanted to work.”

She looks at me angrily and I know I’m pushing her buttons. Not a good move when I don’t even now where we stand, “So what are we going to do?”

“About what?”

“About us.”

Beth sits up, “There is no us. I thought you made that very clear last night.”

I bite my lower lip, “Maybe we got into this too quickly.”  

“Or maybe you just can’t stand up to your mother.”

“And maybe you can’t admit yours was wrong,” I shoot back.

Beth grabs a tissue from the side of the bed and wipes her eyes, “I’m tired of fighting. Let’s just call it quits and get on with life.”

“You want to end it?” I ask surprised.

“Are we not having the same conversation? Like you said, we moved too quickly when we never should have gotten started in the first place.”

“Is that how you feel?” I ask angrily.

“I feel like you betrayed me. Betrayed us when you let your mother decide our future.”

I don’t say anything, trying to think of a comeback even though nothing is coming to mind. Beth stands up and holds back tears, “And I’m sorry we ever met, because I was happy before I met you. Now I’m just hurting. You want to talk about sending someone back into a suicidal depression?”

“Don’t even joke about that shit,” I warn.

“I’m not the one who said I was suicidal.”

We stare at each other for a minute when Beth doubles over in pain, holding her stomach. I bend down trying to help her stand up, “Are you alright?”

Beth shakes her head and I scream for a doctor. I can’t see anything but her right now.

________________________________________________________________________

I wait in the hospital with Beth. We haven’t said anything since she came out of testing but I can tell she’s nervous. Finally the doctor comes into the room, “Miss Addison?”

“Yes,” she says sitting up in the bed.

He looks over to me, “Would you like for your boyfriend to wait outside?”

I shake my head no and Beth rolls her eyes, “He can stay.”

The doctor nods and turns to the clipboard, “I am very sorry to tell you that you miscarried.”

Beth looks like she’s going to lose it, “What?”

“You were a little over a month pregnant. That’s why you were bleeding so badly and the cramps were intense.”

Beth starts to cry again as the doctor touches her shoulder, “We will be discharging you in a few hours.”

 She'll let you in her house

If you come knockin' late at night

She'll let you in her mouth

If the words you say are right

If you pay the price

She'll let you deep inside

But there's a secret garden she hides 

The doctor leaves her to her pain as he closes the door behind him. I go over to Beth speechless. She puts her hand on her chest and closes her eyes as pain enters her features. I put my hand on her shoulder, “Well at least we don’t have to deal with it right now.”

Beth opens her eyes and glares at me, “Deal with it right now? You mean have our baby with me?”

She'll let you in her car

To go drivin' round

She'll let you into the parts of herself

That'll bring you down

She'll let you in her heart If you got a hammer and a vise

But into her secret garden, don't think twice 

You've gone a million milesHow far'd you get

To that place where you can't remember

And you can't forget

She'll lead you down a path

There'll be tenderness in the air

She'll let you come just far enough

So you know she's really there

She'll look at you and smile

And her eyes will say

“That’s not what I meant,” I backtrack.

“Thank God we broke up because had I not lost our child you might have been a father,” she says bitterly.

This is not going how I planned. None of this was planned, “Beth-”

“No, I wouldn’t want to disrupt your career or anything like that. I can see how you would find this thing good.”

“It’s not good and you know I didn’t mean it. All I meant is that we are a mess and bring a baby into this environment is not a good idea.”

Beth closes her eyes again, “Well if we weren’t broken up before this, our present conversation would have sealed the deal.”

I pace around the room with my hands on top of my head, “Fine, I’m a asshole. Are you happy now?”  

She sniffs, “I’m going home to my mother.”

“You can’t.”

“Yes I can. You took a month off in June and my contract says I get September off because that was when your tour was supposed to be over. The summer is over Justin,” she whispers.

“You have to come back Beth,” I remind her in an effort to cause her to reconsider.

“Eventually. But not today.”

She's got a secret garden

Where everything you want

Where everything you need

A million miles away

Bruce Springsteen- Secret Garden