Gia came over and introduced herself to Sam over lunch and distracted him from me. Johnny nearly fired me after the radio interview. I don’t know what I was supposed to do, end the interview as soon as it began? The bottom line is any interview he gives for at least the next six months will have the Rolling Stone article included in it. If they didn’t want the subject brought up they should have never scheduled the interview, especially a live one. So I had to sit through a lunch with my little brother that I couldn’t even enjoy.
Sam tagged along to the sound check and I let him sit through the concert which he was ecstatic about. Saying goodbye was the hardest part since I felt like our time had been wasted because he was finally here but I was so distracted from work that I barely could listen to him while he told me about life at home. Gia sat with me while I poured my heart out to her all night. Working for Justin has me at my wits end. I knew this job wasn’t easy but getting reprimanded for something I had absolutely nothing to do with was beyond my comprehension. Then there is the whole Sarah thing that I wanted to keep totally private.
I look out the window this morning and its pouring rain. At least it’s mimicking my mood. Gia beyond cranky as well since Johnny took his annoyance with Justin’s publicity out on her, sending her around Maryland for a very specific kind of coffee that came from one coffee shop and hour away that turned out to be closed. Gia and I were plotting our double murder when I received a call from Justin. I watch as his name flashes on the screen as Gia looks over at me, “You’re not going to get that?”
“He can leave a message.”
“That’s it, play hard to get. That will really send him up the wall.”
I stare at the blackberry angrily as it reads that I have a message waiting. I dial my voice mail and listen to the message, “Beth, it’s Justin, you need to get your butt down here because we have to go to the studio today.”
I delete the message and sigh. Gia looks over at me, “You know you have to go.”
“I know.”
“It doesn’t mean you have to like it, you just have to go, do your job and leave it at that. Don’t worry about socializing with him.”
I nod, “I know you’re right. I just have never had this job wear me down so much in the five years I have been doing it.”
Gia tosses me a protein bar, “I think maybe you need have a day off.”
I feel like screaming, “Yeah, that would play out well. Hey Justin, I really need a day off so could you manage to get your own coffee today?”
Gia comes over and sits down next to me, “Okay, maybe that one won’t work. What do you do to relax?”
“I listen to music.”
“So tune him out. When you ride on the bus with him just put on your ipod and do your thing. I don’t know where Trace is this morning but I can’t wait to listen to him complain about riding with me again.”
“Thanks for the pep talk.” I say, putting my head on her shoulder.
“No problem. Go do your thing.”
_______________________________________________________________
Last night I sat in my room staring at my drugs on the table. A guy I know had dropped them off earlier for me and I couldn’t wait to take a hit. That is, until I heard about Sarah. It makes everything everyone had said about drugs seem impossibly real. That was the whole reason I started on them. To get away from reality and to think that it is the true reality has made me a little crazed. I just stared at the substances for hours until trying to sleep but never really going to sleep.
Now I wait anxiously for Beth to come into the arena. She has always been here to meet me and today she is no where to be found. It was an eye opener yesterday which made everything click into place. Unfortunately I’m pretty sure she didn’t want me to know, or wanted to talk about it. That said, Beth hasn’t said more than two words to me since last night so I have no idea what is going through her head. Is she mad at me or upset that I opened old wounds? Then there was the thing with Johnny. Whatever he said to her made her upset enough to look like she was ready to cry.
The door to the arena opens and I hop up to see Beth but Gia walks through the door. I sit back in disappointment as Gia comes over to me, “Where’s Johnny?”
“Where’s Beth?”
“Beth will be here in a minute.”
I decide not to bat around the issue, “Is she okay?”
Gia looks at me questioningly, “Why do you even care?”
“I care alright. What did Johnny say?”
“Johnny yelled at her over your interview. Apparently the press over it wasn’t very good for you.”
Like I didn’t feel guilty enough, “Is she talking to me?”
“Like will she give you a yes or no answer?” Gia asks, surfing through her purse for something buried underneath her crap. Or should I say Johnny’s crap.
“Like will she actually engage in a conversation?”
Gia’s phone starts to ring and she growls at it, “Listen I have to answer this but to answer your question, she probably will not be in a chatty mood this morning.”
I look up again as the door opens once more and Beth appears. Gia grabs her purse and brushes past Beth, squeezing her hand as she leaves. Beth gives her a look and turns to me. Every emotion she had is gone and is replaced by a stern one. She comes over and hands me a bag, “Breakfast on the go.” She states.
I’m not really sure what to say. What can you say? I watch as Beth refuses to make eye contact and we run out to the car in the pouring rain. It’s like a flashback to a few weeks ago. I cautiously get in the car and sit next to her as we ride to the studio. Although I’m in the middle of a tour, I agreed to do a track for the soundtrack to an upcoming movie. We drive very slowly as the rain pounds the car. It’s like a monsoon out there. The car parks on the side of the road so we can run in and we make a mad dash for the door.
I brush the water of my jacket as Beth walks a few steps behind, doing a similar gesture to her clothes. Since I’m producing it, only one other person is in the studio to start and stop the equipment. Kyle sits behind the glass and signals to me when I’ve finished a take. Beth is in the other chair but is paying more attention to the cat sleeping in the chair next to her than on me.
After a few hours, I come out from the recording area and talk a little to Kyle about how it sounds, “I really like it dude.”
Kyle laughs, “You should, it kicks ass. But then again, whatever you record does.”
“Listen, why don’t you get out of here before you need a boat. I just want to fool around with my vocals a little.”
“Sure man, see ya. Nice to meet you Bethany.”
“Nice to meet you.” She says quietly.
Her head is against the back of the wall and the cat has decided that her lap is more comfortable than the chair. I touch a few knobs before finally turning around, “Are you mad at me?”
Beth looks at me in surprise, “No.”
“No? That’s all I get? I didn’t mean to pry about Sarah, I swear.”
Beth bites her bottom lip gently, “It’s a combination of everything Justin. I have even begun to wonder if I’ll make it through the whole tour with you.”
I go to say something when the lights go out with a snap. Beth jumps as the cat leaps off her lap, “What the hell?”
The only light in the room is a flickering candle in the corner of the room. I pull out my lighter and look around the room, “I think the power is out.”
“No kidding? I thought maybe we were going to play ghost in the graveyard.”
I squint at her in frustration, “At least your tongue still works.”
Beth scowls at me and looks out the window, “It’s raining too hard to drive back. We’re stuck here until it let’s up a little.”
I look out and she’s right. The thin light that comes through the window reflects onto her arm and I can see goose bumps. I just want to get everything out in the open. Beth lights a few more candles so you can at least see in the room and sits down on the floor. I pause for a second before making a move. I sit down inches from her, “Let’s talk.”
“What?”
“Don’t you want something that’s real? Just once have something meaningful?”
Her face softens, “Every day.”
“So let’s get everything out in the open. I’m sorry about what I said in the car yesterday. It’s not your fault that the interview went horribly.”
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
Beth cocks her head to the side, “Thanks.” “I didn’t mean to get you in trouble with Johnny either. If I had know he was going to be that pissed I would have done something.” “I’m sorry I got upset about Sarah. Sam told me you only asked him how many siblings we had.” “So, what did happen to Sarah? If you can talk about it I mean.” I stutter. Beth looks at me sadly, “Sarah was my older sister. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, just stunning. We were four years apart and when Sarah was eight, me dad started entering her in beauty pageants because we had no money. He is a construction worker, my mom as you know is a waitress. Sarah started winning pageant after pageant and we started pulling in an extra income.”
No one knows what its like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
Thats never free
I watch as Beth pulls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them as if to keep herself safe from the demons she remembers. Like somehow they can still come after her even to this day. “My mom became pregnant when I was twelve and has Sam when I was thirteen, but my parents divorced as soon as Sam was born. My dad wanted Sarah, so he fought my mom for custody, which he won. He didn’t want us. Sam and I stayed with my mom and Sarah was taken about an hour away to another town to live with dad.” “Messy divorce huh?” Beth nods, “Sarah is the only reason dad had stayed for so long, he wanted her to grow up with a mother. Then Sarah got an opportunity to do some big time modeling in London if you made the top ten models, which meant I wasn’t going to get to see her for at least a year. So, I dyed my hair blonde and entered the competition. But I wasn’t pretty enough and didn’t make the top ten.”
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
But my dreams
They arent as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
Thats never free
“I’m sorry Beth.” I say, trying to comfort her. She shakes her head as if to give off that she really wasn’t hurt, but her eyes give her away, “It’s fine. Sarah went off and I stayed here. I saw her occasionally every year at Christmas and she would tell me of the wild parties and guys that she got to hang out with. By the time I was nineteen, she was a total junkie. Her skin was shot to hell from everything she was taking and became solely dependant on it. Then when I was twenty I got the call at college that Sarah had overdosed on drugs in Germany.”
When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
I shiver a little as Beth laughs it off, “If I was prettier I might have been there with her, you know? Been there for her when she needed someone to talk to. But I wasn’t. We never knew what drugs killed her, just a combination of everything.”
“Beth- “
"It’s all water under the bridge now.” She says.
I look at her, “That’s why you were so concerned about me.”
“You have no idea when your last day on earth might be. Don’t take it for granted. Your decisions affect other people as well as yourself.”
“I’m sorry you had to deal with me.”
“What about Trace? You aren’t even speaking to him.”
I get more comfortable on the floor, “He left me. He left me when I really needed him. I could have died that night you came up and stayed with me and he just left. I told him to go back home this morning, that’s why you haven’t seen him today.”
Beth looks surprised, “It’s like you can’t depend on anyone anymore.”
“All I wanted was to sing. To do what I loved and sometimes I wake up and think, this is not what I signed up for. I find myself hating the one thing I have truly loved my whole life and that scares the shit out of me. Drugs were a way to cope with the reality of things and then after hearing about your sister, it turns out that drugs are the epitome of the very thing I was running from. The world is so fucked up.”
Beth smiles a little, “But it’s conversations like these that let you know that maybe it’s not all bullshit out there. Maybe somewhere people can be honest about things. Really live in the real world void of all the excess that weighs us down.”
“It’s nice of you to pay for Sam’s school.” I say, changing the subject to stop thinking about how alone I really am.
“He needed it, my parents couldn’t afford it so I did it.”
“You’re a good sister.”
A flash of hurt crosses her face and she looks up, “I think it stopped raining.”
I look out too and see that she’s right, “I’ll drive us back.”
“Okay.” I stand up and retrieve the keys from my pocket.
“You know, if it makes you feel any better, what you love is real music. The thing that you sit down and write, adding a melody to and giving it life. The way you live is not music. It’s just excess.”
“I guess I’ll have to try living in the real world.”
“It would be a start.” She says, getting in the car. I go around and get in the drivers seat, driving us back in time to do what I was born to do.
The Who-Behind Blue Eyes
