How do I write this? Where do I begin?

My parents have been married since they were 18 years old. They were high school sweethearts for 4 years and then they got married and have been together for 30 years. When I was a little girl, I idolized my Mother. I followed her around, and I mimicked her, I did everything she did. All I wanted was to grow up and live that life that she was living.

Joey and I met, at a party one New Years Eve. We were in New York, and I was there with my friends, and he was with his friends. I spotted him across the room, and I was immediately attracted to him. I thought he was a really really good looking guy. He was tall, athletic, handsome-he was hot.

He and his friends were hanging out by the bar, and I wanted him to notice me, so I went strolling past him to order something, and he didn't say anything. So I walked past him again. I walked past him about four times.

I noticed her the first time she passed me. I thought she was beautiful, long dark hair. I kept kicking myself everytime she passed me and I didn't say anything to her. I was afraid I would say something stupid. I was positive I was going to leave this party without saying anything to her.

Finally I passed him and he grabbed my hand. We started talking, he bought me a drink.

She hung around me that whole night.

It was nice, talking to him that night. He was so intelligent, and witty. I thought he was amazing.

I knew she was a special young woman. She was smart, and funny, she was attractive, well put together. I knew she was someone I was going to want to hang onto.

We exchanged numbers that night, and things started off slow. We went to a movie, we went to dinner, we talked on the phone a few times a week. It wasn't serious in a romantic way until about March. We spent a lot of that time between Janyuary and March becoming friends. He became my best friend, he was easy to talk to, he was laid back. I felt comfortable around him all the time.

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I definately proved that right. She invited me over to dinner at her Mother's, and I was gone after that.

He thought it was incredible. I'd never seen him eat that much food before. And Joey can put away an entire large pizza by himself and still be looking for cookies, okay? He can eat.

They started inviting me over more after that, and I began to eat there atleast once a week. One of those nights I picked Denise up at her apartment, and I was taking her back home when things took a turn.

He got back to my house and he kissed me goodnight, and normally it was just a peck, but this time it was more than that. It kept going, and it got more loving, and passionate, and one thing just lead to another.

We ended up in her bedroom, and things were escalading quickly. We couldn't keep out hands off eachother. She was on me, I was on her, it just didn't stop.

We spent the night together, and it was great. I knew then, that I interested in being with him forever.

I thought to myself, she's the one. She's the one I've been searching for. I've gotta hold onto her. Things progressed very quickly after that. We moved in together a few weeks later. It was only a few months after that that I asked her to marry me. I just woke up one morning and voice in my head said, 'Ask her.'

Denise pulled her feet up under her body as she focused on the television set in front of her. No matter how many times she saw Maury, she couldn't get enough of those 'How's Your Daddy' episodes. It was sad really.

Joey was seated next to her, at the other end of the sofa, fiddling with his nails, glancing around the room, anything to occupy his attention. This is where they differed. She watched smut TV, he didn't.

"Hey," he turned to her nonchalantly. His responce was her eyebrows raising questionably and he head slightly turning his direction, though her eyes were still glued to the TV.

"Will you marry me?"

That got her attention. Her eyes locked on his and she froze for a moment before smiling, "Joey, if you want my attention just say so-."

"No, I'm being serious. It's been on my mind a lot recently," he slouched back so he could shove a hand into his pocket, "Will you marry me?" he held out a gold band with a single, perfect, glittering diamond in the middle.

"You're being serious?" Denise sat up quickly, gasping down at the ring in Joey's palm.

"Yeah. So, what do you say?"

Denise looked up at him, searching his face as she tried unsuccessfully to hid her excitement.

"Yes! Yes, yes, ofcourse yes."

The wedding happened pretty quickly. It was weird that we weren't in a hurry, but at the same time we were. We were ready to get married and be together and find out what this whole 'married life' hoopla was all about.Our wedding we simple, in our neightborhood church. We said simple vows and the reception was in his parents backyard.

Right away we settled down. I was still chasing after that dream of living a life like my Mother's and that started to happen when I became pregnant.

Denise got pregnant right away. We had our first daughter almost exactly nine-months after our wedding.

I was pretty content with our marriage after our first child. My friends said that I seemed pretty content. Things stopped being so extravigant with me. I didn't get my hair done once a week, I didn't shop all the time. I put on a little weight from the pregnancy. I was content with the way my life was.

Then our second daughter less than a year later.

That's when the problems really began. Things got hectic for us, because now we had two small children to care for. There started being less and less time for just Joey and I.

Then she got pregnant a third time, this time it was a boy.

That was when everything really started going South with our relationship.

Joey had always wanted a son, so now everything was about his son. They went to the park, they went to movies, they played video games. Sometimes me and my daughters would be included in the activities but mostly it was, 'You go do girl things and we'll go do guy things.'

I started to feel alittle neglected. There wasn't as much attention on me as there been before, and I wasn't completely comfortable with that. We spent so much time taking care of the kids, going to work, it got to the point where going was bed just that, going to bed. We became strangers who passed eachother in the kitchen on the way in and out the door.

I knew that my wife was feeling a little left alone, but I didn't know the extent of it all. I didn't know how deeply those emotions ran for her. And maybe, yeah, part of me was being selfish and just not willing to give her that attention. I worked long hours, we had three children, I worked days and she worked nights. It seemed like a lot of work on my part to get back to those pre-baby days. I figured this was married life, this is how it's supposed to be.

I was working at a bar back then, bartending, and there are always customers who will come in and compliment you and try to hit on you and things of that nature. I was used to it though and didn't pay most of them any attention, but at the same time I liked it. It made me feel sexy, something I was missing at home.

One night an old friend came into the bar, Dion. We knew eachother in highschool, he was the boyfriend of a friend and he and I were close friends at that time. Then we went off to seperate colleges and lost touch with one another. He came in, and we talked, and reminised about old times. I told him I was married, he told me he wasn't married. It was fun, it was nice to see someone from my past. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers.

Things started off friendly, we'd talk on the phone, he'd come into the bar. We were just kind of getting reaquainted with eachother. He would flatter me and compliment me. He told me I was beautiful, and I hadn't heard that in awhile. It was about two weeks after we first met in the bar when he started asking me out. I kept 'No' ofcourse, and he knew I was married, but he kept asking and making it clear that he was interested. One night, I was angry with Joey over something, and he asked me out and I said 'Yes'.

We went to a movie. It was fun, it wasn't like any other date that I had been on because instead of feeling like I was with a stranger that I was trying to get to know, I was with someone who knew me and understood me. One date turned into two, which became three, and pretty soon we were in a relationship.

I was completely oblivious to what was going on. I didn't know that she had met up with an old friend, I didn't know that they talked. She never mentioned him, he never called the house. She would tell me she was working more hours or going out with her girlfriends and I assumed she was being truthful.

One night we were at Dion's place, and we were just sitting around, playing some music and talking, and he kissed me. It was hungry, and needy. It had been a long time since I had felt needed, so when he whispered to me while he was kissing me that he needed me, I was gone. My head was off, and I just went with it. That was the night I slept with Dion. It was high, and erotic, being with someone new after so many years with the same man. I knew I was doing something wrong, that something didn't feel right, but it felt good so I kept going. It wasn't until the middle of the act when I realised I was having an affair.

Afterwards I just felt horrible. I felt guilty about the whole thing. The love part was begining to wear off and I realized then that it was just lust that made me do it. But I didn't want to let myself dwell on that. I tried to make it Joey's fault in my mind. I tried to say, 'Well if he had paid more attention to me...' or 'If he had spent more time with me then this wouldn't have happened.' I didn't end the relationship with Dion, and things kept getting bigger and bigger. We spent less and less of our time together talking and more and more of it in bed.

The phone bill came one month, and I opened it, figuring I would drop off the payment on my way to work for her. I was scrolling along all the calls, like I always do with any of the phone bills, and I saw there were a lot of calls to this one unfamiliar number. So I called it, and a guy answered. I told him who I was, and I said, "Look man, we're both men, we're both adults. Tell me what's going on. Give it to me straight." He said, "Well man to man, I've been having relations with your wife."

I was upset, I was hurt, I was disappointed. All these years I had been so faithful to her, and she was playing around behind my back. I got back on the phone with Dion and I asked him to call her on three-way so I could listen. She wouldn't even know I was there. So he said he'd set it up. I went into one of the bedrooms while he called her.

Dion just called me out of the blue, on the house line, which he never calls. He was just acting really awkward, and asking me all kinds of weird questions like, 'How are you doing?' 'How was you're day?' and then he started talking about things we had done in the past.

He started reminicing about different times and places they had had sex. Different things they had said and experiemented with.

I got off the phone with Dion, because I didn't really want to talk to him. Especially with Joey at home.

After they hung up I came in the room.

"Who was that?"

Denise looked up from where he head was resting in her hand on the sofa, "Oh, wrong number."

"Wrong number huh?"

"Yeah."

"Well, speaking of numbers, who's number is this?" Joey pulled the offensive phone bill from behind his back and held it out to her. All the calls to Dion had been high-lighted.

"I don't know."

"Well there's a lot of calls from your phone to this person you don't know."

She started denying that there was anything going on, she said she didn't know the guy. Eventually I just told her I knew who it was and I knew it was him that just called because I was listening to the whole thing. I asked him to do. Her face fell, and I knew she was busted.

When he told me that I knew I was busted.

I immediately called Dion and started yelling at him. I couldn't believe that he had set me up like that. How could he have told my husband, and not said anything to me about it? I ended my friendship with Dion right then.

Immediately we started arguing. There was a lot of yelling, there was a lot of screaming. The kids were getting upset, and she decided to spend that night in a hotel. When she came back home, her whole out look had changed.

I decided that night that I wanted to work on my marriage, I wanted to fix everything that was going on. When I came home I tried to be that woman that he wanted me to be. I tried to be the perfect little housewife. I started trying to work on things with Joey, and I thought that they were getting better over time.

Things were just getting worse for me. Everytime I looked at her I saw another man. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw the two of them together. I was sickening with the details I wanted to know.

He kept asking 'How was it?' 'How long did you do?' 'Was he better than me'? I didn't understand all the questions. I didn't understand why it mattered. I wanted to move past it, and he kept bringing it up everyday. He was good at making me feel horrible about it. He would said, "How could you do this? I was the perfect husband. I gave you everything you ever wanted, but nothing is ever good enough for you."

The more and more I learned about it, the more and more part of me started to hate her. She had taken our happy little home and ruined it, for some guy.

I tried to get Joey to go to marriage counseling with me, but he absolutely refused to.

We didn't get along anymore, we spent alot of time arguing and fighting. She thought we were working on our marriage, and I was really just there for the kids. I didn't think that their world had to be devasted because their mother made some big mistakes. But one day I woke up, and just like something told me to marry her, something told me to go.

He said that he was leaving. I said 'No, you're my man, you're going to stay here.'

I said I was moving. And I did.

I think we had just had enough of eachother. All of it was too much, and there wasn't anything we could really do to fix it.

He filed for a divorce not long after that. I wasn't devasted, because I saw it coming. And honestly if it was me I would have done the same thing. It wasn't until after everything was done that I saw everything that I had done to him. To my family. I gave up the perfect life, the life I had wanted since I was toddler. I had something special, something perfect. I had someone perfect and I let it go for a fling, because I was lonely and I didn't say so.

I had no doubt that if she had been honest about her feelings before all of these, then we could have worked something out. But I couldn't trust her after that. Everytime she left the house I'd wonder what she was doing, who she was with. I started going out of my mind with paranoia.

The affair was my lifes biggest mistake.

I've grown alot of mine and Denise's relationship. I really have.