Deranged Delusions

20. Good Company

I can’t remember the last time I was so nervous for a date. Wait is it a date? Were those the words JC used when he asked me out to dinner tonight? Did I use those words? Dammit, why am I so anxious about this whole thing? Its just JC and I don’t have to be nervous with him.

So why do I have the feeling that a stampede of butterflies are going to come hurtling out of my stomach?

I think the last time I was this jumpy about dating someone was when Neal and I first started going out. Now he’s engaged, and I’m single with hopes of getting off the market by the end of the week or maybe even sooner.

Wow, Lauren, you sound so desperate.

Nevertheless, I smooth the creases in my jeans and make sure my hair hasn’t decided to frizz out due to the humidity of the chilly New York night. I was a complete idiot and forgot my jacket back at the hotel and so I’ll probably freeze my butt off in the restaurant and I won’t be able to do anything about it.

He said he’d meet me at the restaurant at seven o’clock but the time is slowly fading into seven thirty and I’m starting to feel the slight tugging of premonition in my stomach. Maybe he stood me up, maybe he got hurt or in an accident. He didn’t pick up his phone when he was fifteen minutes late and I know that he’ll call me if something is making him tardy.

Sitting back against the booth, I take a huge gulp of water and when I set it back down at the table there’s someone I didn’t quite expect to see, sitting across from me.

“What are you doing here?” I ask and I hope, no I pray that he can hear the resentment in my voice. I swear if Justin came out here to give me shit about going out with one of his friends I am going to give it to him right back and then some.

Justin smiles sheepishly and looks at me with big blue eyes that are just aching to turn on the Timberlake Charm. I will have nothing of that tonight because having those eyes watching me only reminds me that I can’t escape him, even when I go out of my way to avoid them.

“Really, Justin, what are you doing here? Last time I checked a date was for two people and not three.”

“It is for two people…” Justin says quietly and I look up to see that he isn’t even looking at me. He’s more interested in the napkin that’s sitting on the table in front of him.

“Then where’s JC?”

“I meant us,” he says quickly and before I can control myself my jaw drops open. What the hell is he going at? “I-I mean,” he starts quickly, “I meant that…what I’m trying to say is…”

Why the hell is he getting all flustered right now? Honestly, he is such an idiot.

“Take a breath and start again,” I say smoothly as I take another sip of my water. As long as I’m occupying myself with something other than this conversation and Justin, I can get through what is going to turn out to be a short night.

“What I’m getting at is, JC can’t make it tonight.”

“Why?” I question giving Justin an accusatory glare. For all I know, he’s told JC that he needs to practice his song more and the poor man is holed up at the Roseland rehearsing.

“He really wanted to be here tonight, Lauren. But whatever you guys ate at lunch really sent him over the edge…”

“What do you mean?” I ask and I find myself becoming more upset with each passing minute.

“You know…” Justin’s voice fades away as he makes a gesture with his hand to mimic something exploding. The sounds that accompany it though, sound like something straight from a toilet and I can feel my appetite waning.

“Okay, I get the point. He’s got indigestion. You don’t have to freaking sit there and act it out for me, Justin,” I snap before I start to get my things ready. I’m going back to the hotel, ordering room service and maybe salvaging any sort of thought that I could start dating again from the deep end of my mind.

“Where are you going?” Justin asks me and I look at him as if he’s going insane.

“Back to the hotel. If you didn’t notice, my date isn’t here…”

“Well JC didn’t want you to leave,” Justin rambles and I look down at him seeing as he’s still sitting down in the booth, “He told me to go in his place and to make sure you had a good time tonight.”

“Justin…” my voice fades away when I see his face. It’s the Pout and there are very, very few people who can say, ‘no,’ to the Pout. I’m one of them but tonight he is extra Pouty and I really don’t want to sit here and fight with him on this. After all, I am pretty hungry and I know it’s going to take at least an hour and a half for room service to actually get to my room.

Besides, the Justin from Worden could be hiding somewhere in that stressed out, bitchy performer and it would sure be nice to see him again. “Alright, fine,” I say with a sigh, finally relenting. He smiles brightly and before I have a chance to sit back down, Justin’s on his feet and grabbing onto my lower arm.

“What are you doing?” I ask him as he starts to pull me towards the exit. “Justin!”

He doesn’t say anything as we rush out into the cool night air and continue down the street. He’s walking where anyone can see him and here I am going along for the ride. Does he have any idea that photographers could jump out at nowhere and take as many damn pictures as they want? And then it’ll be all over the Internet and I’ll have a new, trashy name among fans and tabloid magazines everywhere!

We walk further down the sidewalk, ignoring any blatant cries that come our way. He isn’t wearing a hat and I’m hoping no one makes a huge scene. I try to question Justin’s antics again but he pulls me down a side street to a waiting car. The back door is already open and a man is standing at the side, waiting for us to approach him.

Justin smiles warmly and allows me to get in first which is weird since he’s usually always the one ducking into vehicles to avoid getting attacked by fans or photographers. I watch silently as he gets in and soon we’re speeding off through traffic, in complete silence.

I have no idea what to say. I already know what he’s doing tomorrow so I can’t really ask him about his schedule. He’ll probably think I’m belittling and quizzing him on everything for tomorrow and I don’t want to piss him off. That’s the last thing I need to be doing right now because I don’t know where we’re going and I don’t want to be stuck in the middle of the City should Justin get pissed enough to kick me out of the car.

  “Are you nervous for tomorrow night?” I ask him carefully as I turn to look towards him. I find that he’s already been looking over in my direction so I don’t have to wait for the awkward moment where my voice catches his attention and makes him realize that I’m speaking to him. But it makes me wonder why he’s looking at me in the first place.

“Kind of…” his response is different from what I expected. Usually he probably would have thrown off anxiousness like it was nothing and then tell me that he’s ‘Justin Timberlake and Justin Timberlake doesn’t get nervous.’

He always switches to referring to himself in the third person when he gets upset about performances.

“I’m more nervous for JC than anything. I mean he’s going to be fine, but it’s the first time he’s performing new material and I want him to do well…I want him to get better too,” he adds and I nod whole heartedly. The last thing JC needs is to run offstage tomorrow night because he’s having a bowel movement.

And, God help me, it’s kind of endearing listening to Justin talk about JC like he’s a proud brother. I know they’re close and all, but I was never really introduced to him when Justin was working with him on the new album and what not. I just hope the poor guy doesn’t explode on stage or completely botch it up.

“So where are we going?” I question and Justin responds with the goofiest smile he can muster before he points to something outside.

“Did you see that guy out there? He was in his underwear…” he remarks as he tries to change the subject.

“Justin, don’t be cute…”

“What, I’m always cute,” he laughs and I find that I’m laughing too. What the hell, is there a full moon out or something because I never found it funny when he was being a smart ass before?

“Where are we…”

“Ah, I can’t tell you,” he says his grin, if possible, getting bigger with every single word he says. I watch with interest as he pulls something out of his jacket pocket and places it on his lap. I can’t quite make out what it is because of the shadows bustling in an out of the car but once we get into the center of Times Square, it becomes quite apparent what it is, “You have to put this on though.”

“There is no way on God’s green earth that I’ll wear that,” I say pointing to the blindfold that he’s now holding up towards me, “No way, Justin.”

“Come on, Lauren! You’ll ruin the surprise and that wouldn’t be fair to me or JC would it?”

“That’s not fair!” I exclaim as Justin continues to show me his best pout face, “You’re using JC’s illness to impair my judgments!”

“Well all’s fair in Love and Taking Other People’s Dates Out on the Town.”

“Ha, ha Justin, very funny,” I grumble at him and he gives me another winning grin and soon I’m thrown into darkness. Wonderful, I’m in a random car with my boss; we’re going who knows where, and I cant’ see a damned thing. Just great. This is what happens to people who are about to go get whacked or something. That’s it, he’s going to whack me and get a new assistant.

“Just trust me,” Justin whispers before the car goes eerily silent.

I think we’re in the car for about fifteen more minutes before the vehicle finally rolls to a stop and the engine turns off. I’m getting more nervous than I was before because now I’ll be required to walk with this stupid thing around my eyes and I have no idea how Justin is going to be able to get me out of the car and to wherever we need to go without someone seeing him.

He shouldn’t have done this. I could have been getting my room service by now.

“Come on,” he says and his hand wraps around mine as we scoot out of the car and stand up outside. The ground is firm underneath me and there isn’t a distinct change of temperature but gone are the smells of trash on the street and the smell of cars isn’t as strong here. I can see the faint trace of light through the folds of the fabric around my face and my only guess is that we’re heading in that direction.

“Are we in Central Park?” I venture but Justin doesn’t respond at all. All he does is hold onto my hand tighter and heads off at a brisk walk. I think he fails to realize that I’m wearing heels and, oh yeah, I can’t fucking see.

We’re walking closer to the lights, which confirms my first guess. We’re going someplace well lit.

Brilliant deduction, Lauren.

“Almost there,” Justin says and I can hear the joy seeping through his voice. He is absolutely giddy about whatever it is he has to show me that requires this much secrecy and I have to admit his excitement is kind of rubbing off on me. I mean, I’m antsy to see what it is. He laughs again and I try my best not to laugh with him.

“Are we there yet?” I ask after a few more minutes of listening to him giggle like a little school girl. He stops abruptly and I nearly crash into him due to his lack of warning.

“Okay, we’re here!” Justin says triumphantly and I roll my eyes behind the blindfold. As if I couldn’t tell by the way he stopped and squealed like a little pig. Sometimes he is just so…well he isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. He’s kind of like a puce color…

And I am now comparing Justin to colors of crayons. What the hell has gotten into me?

“Can you take this thing off me now?” I ask and I can hear Justin move around behind me so he can unwrap the blindfold without being in the way of whatever it is I’m looking at.

“Ready?” Justin asks slowly, teasingly. Really he isn’t making me more excited, he’s kind of pissing me off a bit more now because I really want this thing off of my face.

“Yes, I’m ready,” I say trying to squeeze the anticipation out of my voice. He doesn’t need to know that I’m dying to see what he has in store for me and I don’t want him to realize that I’m really enjoying myself so far.

“Okay!” and he pulls the blindfold from my face and my vision is cleared.

At first the only thing I can see is a blur of light seeing as my eyes are so used to the dark. Then the image starts to clear and shapes take their form. The scene before me is just so…magnificent that I can’t help but gasp at the whole grandeur of it all.

We are in Central Park, Tavern on the Green to be more exact. I’ve only walked by in passing during my past trips to the City and I was always in love with the courtyards that surround the greenhouse inspired interior. The trees all reach up and form a canopy that shelters whatever is underneath it and the cobblestone floor is straight out of old London.

But tonight it’s different because every single inch of the trees are lit up like a Christmas tree. It’s a fairytale wonderland and, as my eyes look past the trees, I notice that the greenhouse restaurant is outlined in the same white lights that grace the greenery. But the thing that has me all in a tizzy is the fact that in the middle of it all, there’s a table set for two.

“Wow,” I breathe and I turn to face Justin who is adamantly studying the back of my head as if he’ll be able to read my reaction by staring at my hair, “This is amazing!”

“You like it?” Justin asks me and I nod vigorously as he starts to walk towards the table. The lights surround us and I almost feel like twirling around in the middle of the courtyard just to see what it would look like.

“Of course I do, I mean it’s beautiful. And JC had this all planned from the beginning?”

Justin pulls out my chair to help me sit down and he grunts as he does so, a little too much in my opinion seeing as the chair is made out of hollow steel, but I think nothing of it. He walks around to the other side of the table and seats himself, looking up at me once he’s settled.

“No, actually,” Justin says a bit of restraint in his voice. I have no idea why he’s suddenly gotten so tense but I try not to think about it, “I did this.”

He did this? For me? Or was this planned for tomorrow night or for the girl he was scheduled to wine and dine before JC got sick?

“Why?”

“Because…” his voice fades away and he looks down at his lap, messing around with the napkin he’s already placed there. He’s very jumpy about what he wants to say, and I can tell that he’s choosing his words carefully seeing as normally he’d just blurt out and say whatever’s on his mind.

“Because…?” I add on hoping he’ll get the hint that I’m waiting for a response.

“Because I figured you needed a little treat. I mean you’ve been working hard and you need to get a taste of the finer things in life, especially since I almost got you killed a few days ago.”

“I thought we already established that that wasn’t your fault,” I say as I lean forward and look at him. He looks very uneasy about something and I’m going to blame it on him thinking about what the bill is going to look like for this whole thing. “It was Shannon’s fault.”

“Yeah, I know…look can we just not talk about that right now? Let’s order our food, talk about things that don’t involve near death experiences, and enjoy the evening,” he manages to spit out quickly. I shrug with indifference and pick up my menu, knowing full well that there’s going to be some pretty kick ass stuff for me to choose from.

We order our food and soon we’ve immersed ourselves in conversation dealing with our individual home life and he even delves into old stories from his boy band days, a place he never, ever talks about with me.

And as we go deeper into our discussion, I find myself in the presence of the man I got to know in Worden. The one who was willing to go out into the middle of a field with me and knock livestock over. The man who actually dressed up in a dopey cowboy get up when all he had to do was wear his stupid designer jeans and a button down shirt. The guy who made me feel like a million bucks when I felt like nothing. He’s alive and well tonight in the middle of a week of stressful press junkets and overdrive promotion, which are his only reasons for breathing.

For some odd, peculiar reason, it seems like I’m welcoming back an old friend. It’s almost as if this whole thing, the dinner, the setting, was just a set up to usher this new person into the world, my world and I’m loving every single minute of it…

“Lauren?” Justin interjects my thoughts and I’m thankful for it. I was starting to travel down a path that I have never considered before and I don’t even want to think what would happen if I hadn’t chosen at that exact moment to listen to Justin.

“Hmm?” I take a sip of my champagne and pray to God he doesn’t ask me what’s on my mind at this very moment. Truth be told, I don’t even know what I’m thinking about right now. I’ve never given myself a chance to think about him and me like that and I don’t know if I ever want to.

“I was just saying that you look really nice tonight,” he states and I can feel the heat rising in my face. I quickly look down in my lap but it’s too late. The combination of Justin staring at me and the way the lights illuminate the courtyard like its daylight aren’t helping my situation. “Are you blushing?”

“No,” I mutter behind my curtain of hanging hair. I hear Justin chuckle to himself and I look up to see his eyes shining with an emotion I’ve only seen once before.

Right before I went to sleep the night that I was held against my will in the crack house, he had this look on his face. It was as if he had the sudden thought that I was this fragile, delicate thing that could break easily if handled wrong. But the strangest thing was, the look he had made me feel like he wouldn’t allow me to break or even so much as crack ever again. It was such an intense expression I had to look away. I had to physically turn around to avoid looking at him because I didn’t want to deal with the huge swelling in my heart, much like what I’m feeling now.

What the heck is going on with me?

“I think you are blushing,” he chides and I look at him and smile before I jam some food in my mouth so I don’t have to give him a straight answer. I just shrug and look at him quickly before I look around at the scenery.

I swallow my food and look back at him, “Well, if it means anything to you, you don’t look so bad yourself. You clean up well.”

“That’s good to know,” he states and he sips his drink before standing up and putting his napkin on his empty seat. “You ready?”

“Um, yeah,” I mumble stupidly and I sit back in my seat for a quick second. He’s already on his way over to my side of the table and he helps me up from his seat. I never knew he could be such a gentleman. I think it’s mostly because half the time I’m with him, I see what he acts like around the male species and he reserves this type of behavior around women he finds dateable…

Not that I’m dateable in his eyes, he’s just doing JC a favor. He’s showing me a good time on JC’s behalf since the poor guy is probably locked away in his hotel room.

Justin offers me his hand and I take it without question and we begin to walk through the illuminated garden, I’m absolutely falling in love with this place more and more and I honestly can’t believe that he would do this all by himself. I never thought I’d see the day when Justin wasn’t barking orders at me and treating me halfway with respect. Aside oifrom his little hissy fits this morning and afternoon, he hasn’t mentioned anything about work and for that I’m grateful. Who knows what he’ll turn into once this whole evening is over?

“Do you want to take a walk?” he asks and I shrug with indifference before an idea pops into my mind.

“Sure, but on one condition.”

“I’m not streaking, Lauren…” he jokes and I laugh loudly before I side check him with my shoulder.

“Shut up, you butt. We’re not going to do that until we get up to Time’s Square.”

“What a perfect way to end the evening, spending the night in an NYPD prescient for indecent exposure. My mother would have a stroke,” Justin comments as we start to leave the courtyard.

“No, but you have to let me show you something…”

“So I guess that means you’re leading this little expedition into the park?”

“Yes, but I’m going to be nice and not blindfold you,” I state before I stick out my tongue. He responds by ruffling my hair and I roll my eyes and pull him in the direction of where I want to go.

It’s strange to think that I’m actually having fun tonight, which is weird because I hardly ever associate Justin and ‘fun’ in the same sentence. Unless he’s acting like a complete ass and then I consider making fun of him, ‘fun.’ But right now, I’m having a good time being in his company, which hasn’t happened since I went home.

I have now entered the Twilight Zone. Cue creepy music, now.

“I’ve never really been in this park before,” Justin states as we walk down one of the many lit paths.

“Really?”

“Well, yeah, I mean every time I’ve been in here it’s either for a television show or something pertaining to my job. I just can’t get up and walk around New York City for the hell of it. At least not like this. I’m surprised we aren’t being followed or anything,” he adds and I nod my head in agreement. I’ve been kind of surprised that he hasn’t been approached so far on our walk and I’m even more shocked that the different photographers haven’t kept tabs on him. I half expect them to come swooping out of the trees like a bunch of monkeys to take our picture and splash them all over one of New York’s finest tabloid papers tomorrow morning.

He did a hell of a job dodging them tonight. Kudos to him.

“Well tonight you’ll get a tiny tour of sorts. It’s dark so we really aren’t doing the place justice. But it has its pros and cons during the day too.” He mutters an affirmative grunt and I give an involuntary shudder due to a slight gust of wind that spiraled it’s way through the park.

“You cold?” Justin questions and I can see his face is laced with concern even in the darkness. Before I can tell him that I’m fine, he’s already shrugged his jacket off his shoulders and now he’s draping it carefully over mine.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.”

We walk in silence a bit more and finally we reach where I want to go. We’re standing at the edge of the huge lawn that’s the usual hang out of the majority of New Yorkers and the standard tourists. It’s pretty dark now, and there are a few people milling about but it isn’t as crazy as it would be during the day.

“Come on,” I say and I lead him down the sloping hill and towards the center of the lawn.

“Are there cows out here, too?” Justin jokes and I throw him a scathing look. He’s being such a little dweeb tonight and it is a bit endearing but I try not to let that get to my head.

“No,” I say shortly. I stumble forward seeing as my heels are sinking into the ground. Way to go, Lauren. Good shoes to wear for something like this. But, I think to myself as I try my best to balance, I had no idea that I was going to be going to Central Park with Justin. So it isn’t my fault.

“You okay?” Justin questions and he holds out a hand so I can steady myself. I nod and quickly take off my shoes before sticking them in my purse. Hopefully I won’t step in anything that’s going to make me lose my very expensive dinner and totally gross Justin out. That would be the perfect end to what is turning out to be a surprisingly wonderful evening.

“Just be glad you don’t ever have to wear heels,” I mutter before we continue to walk to the center of the lawn. I come to a halt and Justin stands next to me, looking around at the scene in front of him. You can see the majority of the buildings sticking up and in the distance there’s the blaring of horns and the sounds of people yelling.

“Here we are!”

“You brought me all the way out here to look at grass?” Justin questions skeptically before he let’s loose one of his dorky ass laughs. I give him a playful smack on the shoulder before I sit down on the ground and bring my knees up to my chest. “Why are you sitting down?”

“Because I can,” I retort and he shakes his head because he doesn’t understand me, before he sits down next to me.

“So?”

“Well look around. You notice how we’re in the middle of this huge city and it’s like this little patch of nature smack dab in the center. You can’t escape the noises, you can’t really get the lights out of your head because there’s just way too much. But,” I begin as I start to lower my back down onto the grass, “if you do this, it’s like all of that disappears.”

I’m completely lying down on my back, my face staring up into the vast space of blackness that’s above us. A few seconds later and Justin is lying right beside me, staring up at the same infinite darkness that my eyes are trained on.

“Wow,” I can hear him breathe next to me and I smile knowing that I can show him something in his world that isn’t manufactured or completely manicured into perfection. This is already perfect to begin with and it’s just so natural and real. “I don’t ever think I could be able to find this kind of peace here in the city. I’m always being rushed around here, you know?”

“Of course I know, I’m only with you every step of the way when it comes to your every day schedule,” I explain with a small shrug. I can almost feel him smiling next to me even though I’m still looking at the dark. A single star is shining off in the distance, but after a few minutes of staring at it, I realize it’s just a plane moving slowly above the metropolis. The only sign of the material world.

“I would have never thought to do this,” Justin explains softly, “Like, I would have never thought that something like this was here. Something so simple and shit…” yes, he is oh so philosophical, ladies and gentlemen. ‘Simple and shit.’ A regular Socrates. 

“Well you never take the time to stop and appreciate the simple things in life. Run, run, run is all you ever do. You don’t do simple and I’m sure you’ll never be able to.”

“What do you mean by that?” he questions and the reverie we’ve created is destroyed as he sits up and looks down at me. He’s totally messing up my Zen moment here and I’m not appreciating it.

“I mean,” I groan as I struggle to sit up next to him, “I mean you’ve never been simple, ever. As soon as you finished touring all those years ago and you were going to ‘take a break’ you didn’t even do that. You did your vacations but you never were able to sit still. You did the films, you recorded with some other people, you never really sat down for a good damn minute just to relax and not think about your career. That’s what I mean when I say that you don’t do simple,” I explain as I look over at him.

“Oh,” he mutters and our eyes meet for a split second in the darkness. I can’t make out the expression on his face but he surprises me as he reaches out and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

And I do the most lady like thing ever imaginable…

I yawn.

If that doesn’t make me seem like a complete jerk and being bored at this whole thing, I don’t know what would. Did his shoulders just sag? Is he disappointed? What the hell?

Blah, Lauren you are such a fool.

“You tired?” he asks me and I nod my head. There’s no sense in lying seeing as I am getting kind of tired and I know tomorrow is going to be absolutely insane. “I didn’t want to say anything because you were enjoying your One-With-Nature thing, but yeah, I’m ready to crash.”

And then we laugh. I’m going to blame it on fatigue because we laugh for a good five minutes without stopping. Of course I add onto the unladylike behavior when I snort rather loudly and that causes Justin to laugh even harder.

I’m so glad my snorting can give him such uninhibited joy.

We’re finally able to let the laughter subside and Justin scrambles to his feet and offers me his hand. He may be an ass sometimes but he knows how to be a gentleman. You know, when he isn’t making fun of me or ordering me around. Which is all the time.

“How are we getting back? We kind of lost the car,” I point out and he grabs onto my hand and starts to pull me in the opposite direction of Tavern on the Green. For the second time this evening, I have no control over where we’re going and I’m kind of afraid seeing as I’m sure Justin is the only one of the two of us who could get us killed in any kind of situation.

“I figured we’d just walk back to the hotel. You know, get some exercise or something.” I shrug with indifference, hoping to God that no one recognizes him during our trek back to the hotel. I don’t even want to fight with him on this because it seems like the guy is dead set on walking, judging by the way his grip has tightened considerably on my hand.

Trying to think nothing of it, I watch as Justin throws up the hood on the back of his jacket and we step out of the park and onto the busy streets surrounding the area. I hope he knows where he’s going because it would really suck to get lost with a celebrity during one of the busiest weeks of the year.

“Um, aren’t you afraid of the photographers finding us?” I ask him as we stop at a traffic light. He shrugs and turns towards me, his blue eyes hooded due to the shadows.

“Not really. I had Ken feed them a bullshit line that I was going to be at one of the pre award parties tonight so they’re waiting for me there. No one is going to miss a shot of me acting drunk for the world,” he explains with a good natured laugh as we continue our stroll.

Nodding in agreement, we surge on.

I am so fucking nervous.

I feel like I’m going to throw up at any moment and that won’t be very romantic or help me tell Lauren how I really feel. We’re nearing the end of our night and I have yet to tell her what I promised JC I would say.

Sorry if I can’t grow some more balls and tell Lauren that I have feelings for her. It just won’t work because now I know that she’ll never give me what I want from her. And I don’t think I can deal with that rejection. I’m good with the whole career rejection from critics and the R&B charts but when it comes to personal rejection…

Britney and Cameron and Melissa and…well they all come to mind.

And now the night is coming to a close and we’re about a block away from the hotel and I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to swallow my pride and just tell her that I love her and nothing she says or does will change that, and the other part, a bigger part, is telling me that I shouldn’t do it because it’s pretty much suicide.

I mean I would rather go to the VMAs tomorrow acting like a cocky bastard instead of a broken hearted fool. Because if I tell Lauren she’ll more than likely turn me into the later, and I really don’t want that.

But I don’t even want to know what JC will do when he realizes that I didn’t tell her. He’ll probably threaten not to perform tomorrow night and I’m sure he’ll go through with that warning too. And the last thing I need right now is having to tell MTV and the fans why JC opted out of a performance. And Lauren would pose some questions too.

Why are things like this so freaking hard?

And it really isn’t helping that, for some strange reason, she still has a hold on my hand. It comforts me to know she isn’t walking twenty feet in front of me or behind me and it is definitely pumping me up for when I’m going to actually tell her that I love her.

You know if I ever get the gall to tell her.

Before I know it, we’re right across the street from the hotel and in just a few minutes we’ll say our goodbyes and goodnights and my opportunity will be lost. Probably forever. We stop for a moment and watch a few photographers waiting by the front entrance put out their cigarette stubs. I’ve still got my hood up over my head and from the looks of their relaxed appearance they haven’t seen me yet. I guess now is a good as time as ever to do this…

Shit, I want to throw up.

“So did you have a good time?” I venture and she nods briskly before she grins with a huge smile on her face. She is too darn cute for her own good. Okay, get a grip, Timberlake.

“Yeah it was fun, thanks for all this. Definitely took my mind off of the whirlwind we’ll be going through tomorrow,” she states before she pulls my jacket around her tightly. I wish I had the guts to hug her to keep her warm but I think that’d be just a little too forward.

“Well anything I can do to help. Sometimes you work too hard.”

“Funny, I can say the same thing about you,” she suggests and I look away for a quick second to keep her from seeing the blush that’s crawling up my neck and into my face. She doesn’t need to know I blush all the time now because that would just lose some major Man Points in her eyes. I just know it.

“Well, um…” and now I’m stuttering because I can’t form the right words in my mind. Part of me just wants to blurt it out, but Lauren isn’t the type of person who does well with surprises and doing something that spontaneous would probably freak her out. But easing her into it probably wouldn’t work either. Why do things have to be so complicated?

“Well, um, what?” she laughs softly and I turn away again and the end of my night comes walking from across the street like a kick in the nuts. And judging by the way Lauren has just tensed up; she’s seen him too.

Damn JC and his late night obsession with Thai food! The bastard was supposed to fake having indigestion and walking into the hotel with a huge bag of it really doesn’t help my situation with Lauren. He was supposed to stay in his room tonight and order room service, watch some TV…going out and getting caught by Lauren wasn’t something we planned on. And now he’s ruined the whole thing.

Fuck.

“Indigestion, huh?” I can hear the anger and sadness rise in Lauren’s voice and the disappointment as well. Guess I’m not the only one who can’t really deal with personal rejection. And for the first time in a long time, I don’t really know what to say.

“Lauren,” I try weakly but she looks over at me, her eyes glazed over with frustrated and disheartened tears.

“Did you know about this? Did you know that he wasn’t really sick?”

Now’s my chance. All I have to do is tell her the truth and she can either take me as I am and accept what I have to say or she can let it upset her even more and leave me out here feeling extremely inadequate and dejected. It’s so easy…

“Justin, did you know about this?”

“No,” I blurt out, “I didn’t. JC…uh, JC called me from his room and told me he couldn’t make it…” Jesus Christ, Justin. You are so pathetic. You can’t even swallow your pride and ego to tell her how you really feel. What the hell is wrong with you? Perfect Opportunity – Missed.

“You didn’t know he was faking?” Lauren questions and she’s studying my face, hard. I feel like I’m in an interrogation room with one of those hot lamps burning down on my face and I have to keep telling myself that I can’t crack because I’ll be in even more trouble if I tell her the truth now.

“No, I didn’t,” I say softly and I can hear her sniffling under her breath. I can tell she needs to be comforted right now but I don’t even have the nerve to put an arm around her because I feel so shitty. Like worse than shitty. I feel like scum of the earth. “Lauren…” I reach out and put a hand on her shoulder. She responds by leaning into me and soon I find myself hugging her tightly on the side of the street.

I feel absolutely terrible right now but having her in my arms isn’t the worst way to end an evening like this. Aside from JC blowing his cover, the night went extremely well even if I didn’t tell Lauren what I truly feel. Things just complicated themselves a hundred times over and I’m entirely to blame for it.

“You going to be okay?” I ask into her hair and she nods against me. Can we just stay like this forever? My mind flashes to one of those little montages they do in films where the seasons change and yet there’s just one stationary thing that never changes. I can see Lauren and I standing here through fall, winter, spring, and summer and I am totally okay with that. I don’t have to move for a very long time.

Because as soon as we disengage we’ll be so far apart. And I just said ‘disengage’ I feel like Spock.

Of course the embrace has to end and I turn away so Lauren can dry her tears. I know how I hate it when people can see me vulnerable (it doesn’t happen very often) and I think giving Lauren the same courtesy would be beneficial to my cause. Whatever cause this is now, I can’t even tell her that I have feelings for her when the opportunity comes and smacks me right on the face. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Like I said, the opportunity is gone.

“I’m ready for bed. We have a busy day tomorrow, you especially,” Lauren says to me and she quickly shrugs my jacket off of her shoulders and hands it back to me. Just like that the veil that covered us on our ‘date’ is gone and we’re back to the boss/employee relationship. The relationship I hate the most.

We start to walk back to the hotel and I’m ready to hit the hay. The combination of running around New York today for work, preparing this date for Lauren, actually executing that date, and then worrying about what to say only to have it perfectly ruined by JC has taken it’s toll on me. I don’t know how I’m going to get through tomorrow.

I’m on autopilot as Lauren and I brush past the paparazzi and into the hotel. I think they’re as tired as I am because they lazily snap one or two pictures of me and completely miss the fact that I was out with Lauren. Thank God. I don’t think Ken needs to rebuke dating rumors on top of all the other ones about the Super Bowl Fiasco That Will Never Die, and whether or not one of my songs is about Britney. I’m having an out of body experience by the time we get to the elevator because I am just that tired.

Lauren is deathly silent and I can tell she’s thinking about being ‘rejected’ by JC when someone who wants her more than anything in the world is standing about four feet away from her. And I think she’s formulating exactly what she’s going to yell at him tomorrow when she sees him at the Roseland. I have to say that a part of me can’t wait to watch that because it’ll make me happy to see her screech at someone else other than me. But I’m sure the tables will turn when JC realizes I didn’t tell her.

I can subconsciously see and hear the elevator doors opening, letting us out on our floor. The place is completely deserted and I know everyone is holed up in their rooms. My mind instantly floats to JC, sitting in his room and gorging himself on that damn Thai food. I hope he really gets indigestion now.

“Was it something I did?” Lauren finally speaks as we walk down the hallway. She sounds so dejected, like her world has come crashing down around her and it’s just then I realize how upsetting this is to her. I mean, just a few weeks ago she found out the man she gave three years of her life to was getting married and then she had to follow my sorry ass around the country and almost get herself killed by a bunch of crack dealers and my psycho Flavor of the Tour.

“No, I don’t think so…”

“Was it something I said? I mean what’s wrong with me?” she falters.

“No, of course not. Nothing is wrong with you, you’re perfect,” I mutter and suddenly I’m completely thrown out of autopilot when she leans forward and, standing on tiptoe, kisses me on the cheek.

“Thanks Justin, that means a lot,” she whispers and my heart pretty much explodes in my chest.

And just like that the roaring sound is back in my ears and before I can stop myself, I’ve gathered her up in my arms and I’m kissing her like there’s no tomorrow. Not only did I surprise myself, but I surprised her too because all she can do is stand there and let me kiss her to within an inch of her life. And before I know what’s happening, her arms are around my neck and she’s being pressed up against the wall and….

There is a fucking God. Hallelujah, Shalom, and all that shit.

I can already tell you which way this is going and I so totally like the outcome of the situation. She’s fumbling for her room key and I’m having a really hard time trying to keep my hands off of her. I think she’d have success in finding her key if she wasn’t permanently attached to my lips, but hey, I’m not complaining.

After much groaning, swearing, and, gloriously, more kissing, she finally finds her key and I’m backing her into the room, trying my best to keep my composure even though I’m ready to burst seven ways to Sunday.

Her shoes are already off, she’s fervently working the buttons on my shirt open and all I can do is stand there and think of how fucking lucky I am. I have a feeling that this wouldn’t have happened if Lauren hadn’t seen JC and I guess I’m going to have to thank the man tomorrow. Hell, he can take over the show for all I care. I’ll pimp his new CD to the fullest extent of the law and all that shit because this would so not be happening right now.

And there’s the bed. Oh it is a beautiful thing. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see a bed in my life. Although I’m sure if we couldn’t get the room key back out in the hallway it wouldn’t have made much difference. I’d go do this out in the street if it meant it would be with Lauren. But then again that wouldn’t be very sanitary and it would be all sorts of illegal.

“Justin,” she moans under her breath and the shivers going up and down my spine are the best ones I’ve ever had. I manage to shed my shirt and I press her down on the bed, her form molding into the mattress. Her hands are all over my torso and I’m reminded of the time she ripped my shirt open back in California. I grin against her lips at the thought and she smiles right back.

I’m pretty much goo now. She can do whatever she wants to me as long as we don’t stop. Because if we stop I’ll pretty much lose it completely. To go this far and then have it taken away at the last second would put a damper on everything and…man just thinking about this stopping is making me want to make it last even longer.

But she isn’t going to wait forever.

It sounds all sorts of cheesy, but we manage to get the rest of our clothes off in a New York minute and the feeling of being on Cloud Nine is just washing over me and soaking me to the point of losing complete control. If this is the epitome of happiness, then I love every single second of it.

She kisses me harder as I position myself over her and I grin against her lips as we meld into one entity. I tangle my hands into her hair and she claws at my back as our cries all but harmonize in time to the rhythm of our bodies.

This is so different from the other times we’ve been together in situations like this. Not sex or anything, but, well I guess you could call it foreplay. Every single time was done out of frustration and spite. The stress got to be too much and the release was right there in front of us, in each other. This is different though. The rushing in my ears is still there, but my eyes aren’t glazed over with this mist that I usually get whenever I get exceptionally pissed at someone. I wasn’t pissed at Lauren going into tonight and she wasn’t pissed with me. Tonight is spontaneous, surprising, but it is in no way angry or rough like it was before. This is tender, passionate, and it feels right.

She shudders underneath me and I know she’s close to the edge. Embarrassing to admit, I was there two minutes ago, but I tried my best to hold off until the perfect moment. Her hands reach up and grip my back and my forehead rests against hers as we take the leap together.

And just like that, it’s over. A cry, the roaring in my ears and throat coming to a screeching halt and a huge wave of relief soothes itself over my trembling, sweat drenched body. We manage to untangle our mess of limbs that somehow got jumbled together in the melee of ripping off clothes and good old fashioned sexing. I roll over to the side of her and I close my eyes, my breathing still labored.

I turn my head to look at her to see her reaction to what just happened, but she’s silent and trying to get her breathing under control. It’s funny, but I feel this insane feeling of liberation wash over me. I feel like I can go out and conquer the entire world right now and it isn’t because I’m feeling fucking fantastic from the sex.

“I feel so much better,” Lauren whispers under her breath, her gaze focused on the ceiling. I lean over and kiss her shoulder causing her to turn over to look at me. Our eyes meet and I can see the same thing I’m sensing in her azure stare.

This was just another form of release for us. From the making out, to the holding onto each other after the Boston disaster, finally to the sex…we both feel better because we’ve managed to release our stress and troubles within each other. Nothing romantic, she’ll probably still go out and kick JC’s ass for ‘standing her up’ as she seems to think has happened.

I could tell her now. I could say that this was so much more than an outlet to get rid of all the anxiousness and stress that I’ll be facing in a few hours with all the press and media floating about. I could tell her that I love her, but I know for a fact that with those simple words the nervous tension will come flying back into both of us and there won’t be another way for us to get rid of it because how can we go further than sex to unleash our inner fears and demons?

Well this just ruined everything. Just like that my high from loving Lauren is completely faded away. Christ, tomorrow is going to be so weird, especially when I have to report back to JC and tell him what happened.

I didn’t exactly tell her that I love her, but I mean we had sex…

Yeah, that will go over great.

I sigh and turn away from her, my eyes now looking up at the ceiling of her room. I don’t know what to do or say and I definitely don’t want to go to sleep because that just seems rude. And cuddling is out of the question. Lauren doesn’t strike me as a cuddly type of person, especially after just sleeping with her boss who is a freaking mess and can’t even control his racing mind when he’s seconds away from blurting out what’s really on his mind.

Her eyes are staring at the back of my head and I know she’s waiting for the fight that almost always follows one of our little sexual digressions. I always comment on something she did wrong or I blame something on her or we switch the table and she starts the fight. I half expect her to start right now, tell me that this can’t be shared with anyone else. But she stays silent, she keeps staring at me and I can’t take it anymore.

I sit up, rub my face, and look down at her. She’s watching me intently, her face relaxed and I know that nothing can really upset her right now. This was the ultimate stress reliever and the only thing that could possibly get her out of her state of irreverence would be if I told her.

But I won’t.

“I should go back to my room,” I say quietly before I pull myself out of her bed and start to gather my clothes. This is so embarrassing. I’m not the one who usually grabs clothes and runs after something like this. I’m always the one who’s lying in bed, watching my partner gather her things and offer a hasty kiss before she leaves my room. Sometimes for good, sometimes only for a few days. But I’ve never done this.

She watches my every move as I slip on my disheveled clothes and run a hand over my buzzed hair. I turn to look at her and I want nothing more than to crawl back onto that bed and kiss her again, to show her that this isn’t just a release for me. I want to tell her that I want to do this again and again with her and not just because I think she’s a good fuck or because she’s just there so I better do it while I still can. I want to do this again and again because I love her and I don’t ever want to stop.

Again, why is this so fucking hard?

Ready to go, I walk over to the side of her bed and sit down on the side of her bed. Lauren looks over at me and puts her hand on top of mine. She smiles sweetly and my heart swells at the sight of her there, protected by the covers. I lean over and kiss her on the forehead, letting my free hand rest on the top of her head. Lauren sighs and I close my eyes, and find myself wishing that I could just tell her. Not that simple, you try doing it.

I start to pull away, but she uses her other hand to cup the side of my face to keep me from leaving. I don’t know what to do so I stay perfectly still as she guides me back towards her, our lips meeting once more. I’m too shocked to do anything right now seeing as I wasn’t expecting this at all. A quick goodbye, a rushed scramble to the door, me sitting in my room wondering what the hell I’m going to do. But I never expected to be sitting here on her bed, kissing her, while she’s freaking naked…what did I do to deserve this?

This is fucking amazing.

She breaks the kiss and just like that the connection is broken. She looks up at me quickly before she coyly looks away and gives me a slight pat on my hand that she’s still holding onto before she lets go.

“Good night, we’ll talk tomorrow,” Lauren says softly and I take that as my cue to go. But she wants to talk…what the hell does that mean? I’m guessing ‘talk’ means about ‘us.’ Are we finally an us?

Judging by the way my mind is racing, I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep tonight.

***