Prologue. Me

You think you know me
Word on the street is that you do
You want my history?
What others tell you won’t be true

You think you know. But you have no idea. There’s so much truth behind that statement. And the fucked up thing about it is that I don’t even think y’all want to know. I think you’re happier basking in the ignorance of lies. ‘Cause I’ll be honest – I know I am. Why? Because the truth sucks. The truth always manages to bring someone down; ruin somebody’s good day, or make a bad one worse. Deception is the currency of the world, you know. It’s so much easier. Lying is much more pleasant to the ear... even if it is brutal to the heart. But when we lie, we don’t care about the consequences. We just appreciate the quick fix that it furnishes. Because if we’re lucky, we will have packed our shit and bounced before truth can rear its ugly head.

I’ve walked a thousand miles while everyone was asleep
Nobody’s really seen my million subtleties

So, why this story? Because maybe it’s time to be a man about my life. I’m twenty-four now – I can’t run forever. I think it’s time to stop lying to the world. I know for damn sure that it’s time I stop lying to myself. The older I get, the more I despise leading this double life. And I don’t just mean the private life of the celebrity me. I’m talking about apodictic, deliberated secrecy. It’s nothing crazy like criminal activity, but there are things I’ve done that I’m certainly not proud of. And then there are those things I’ve done that aren’t so bad, but still couldn’t share with the world because they’re directly correlated with the bad shit. I’ve hurt people that I loved and screwed over people that I thought I hated. I’ve created some of the most beautiful relationships, only to watch them wither away because of my wrongdoing. You wanna hear about it all? Well, keep reading.

I hear you talkin’
Well, it’s my turn now, I’m talkin’ back
Look in my eyes so you can see just where I’m at

I mean, I’m sure you’ve heard things – rumors, gossip and the like. Everybody talks. But no one listens. You read the tabloid bullshit and make your own assumptions. And then you read the fucked up magazine articles and interviews that I subject myself to and decide that you know a thing or two about my life. I used to say that ninety-five percent of what you read in the gossip pages is untrue, but in actuality, I think it’s closer to ninety-nine percent. And it’s not just Star and Life & Style or whatever the shit is called, but half the shit I say in Rolling Stone is a lie, too. Honesty just isn’t my forte. I’ve struggled with it for a long time now. Years and years of perpetuating falsehoods is a hard habit to kick.

I walked a thousand miles to find one river of peace
And I’ll walk a million more to find what this shit means

But like I said, change starts here. I’m doing something I never said I’d do. I’m taking my very own love story – the women I’ve loved, fucked, trusted, and hated – and I’m handing you the truth. Here, you get the true Hollywood story of Justin & Britney; where the rumors about me and Beyoncé began; the reality of Camstin; and then, a few other innocent victims of the tangled web I’ve woven. Here, you get what you’ve always wanted: me.

Got bruises on my heart, and sometimes I get dark
If you want my autobiography, baby, just ask me

Here, I’ll air my dirty laundry.


Lyrics:

“Autobiography� - Ashlee Simpson (Autobiography)

1. She's Cheating On You

Britney Jean Spears. We met like a million years ago on MMC and then managed to find our way back to one another four years later. Well, actually, we did... stuff before then, but we didn’t become the official couple that you know of until the summer of ‘99. I think you’re all familiar with her as the former love of my life, who quickly turned into the bane of my existence. I guess, from what you’ve witnessed, our relationship seemed pretty damn cut and dry. Well, there were a lot of cuts in our relationship; both of us tending to take stabs right at the heart. When we broke up, it appeared that she did all the dirt, didn’t it? Well, that’s because that’s how I wanted it to seem. But maybe I should start our sordid story a bit further back in time.

September 6, 2001. One year after our coming out party at the previous year’s VMAs, two years into our fairytale love affair, the shit hit the fan when I found out that the love of my life – yes, Britney – had quite a few plans of her own. Yeah, those lyrics didn’t just come out of nowhere.

The previous day, once the tumultuous process of VMA rehearsals had ended, I was scheduled to meet with Brit at this little joint on the corner of 59th Street for a quick lunch before she had to be at the Metropolitan Opera House for her own run-through. However, before I could reach that point in my day, the only choreographer in the world that I would’ve trusted my life with decided that he wanted to pull the knife out of my back that I’d unknowingly had in me for quite some time.

“Justin, can we talk?� he requested, seeing me ending a phone call with Britney as we headed through the hollow halls of backstage at the opera house. “It’s important.�

I didn’t like the look on his face. Beyond the blonde spiky hair and facial hair very similar to mine, there was this air of discomfort that I wasn’t sure I wanted to delve into. “What’s it about?� Turning the corner with me, into *NSYNC’s dressing room, he kept his dark eyes fixated on the floor, silent to my question. “You’re gonna have to speak up,� I avoidably laughed. “What’s on your mind?�

We walked into the room to see Chris and Joey already vegged out on the double-paneled couch, dropping Skittles into their mouths. “It’s kind of private,� he replied quietly.

I picked up the backpack that I’d come in with from the floor and gave him a questioning stare. “Listen, can we talk about it tonight? I’m gonna be late for my lunch.�

“But it has to do with your lunch?�

I sighed, annoyed that the fat bastard had the nerve to be telling me what I should and shouldn’t eat. “Wade, I won’t eat any French fries, all right?�

“It’s not that.�

“I’ll eat two salads,� I added with a laugh, walking out of the door to leave him in the room.

“She’s cheating on you,� he blurted out just in time for the tall, gray door to slam in his face.

I heard those four words and I swear, I was ready to fuck him up. I quickly turned around, inadvertently leaving Dre, a loved and trusted member of my security, waiting at the opposing end of the hall for me. I opened the door and threw my bag back down. “Yo, could y’all get out for a minute?� I asked my bandmates.

Without a word or question, Joey and Chris scuttled out of the small room while Wade backed away from my approaching form. “I’m sorry,� he quickly began.

“Say it again,� I demanded.

“I am sorry,� he repeated. “We never meant to hurt you, man.�

“We? What the fuck are you talkin’ about!�

“Justin, calm down.�

“Dude. You better take that shit back real quick.� I quickly stalked to the other side of the room before I completely lost it on his ass and I had a lawsuit on my hands. I certainly had enough of those already. “Wade, take it back.�

“I can’t.�

“Why? Why would you say that?�

“Because it’s the truth. And I just couldn’t watch you fall any more in love with her without saying something.�

“You’re a fuckin’ liar,� I told him as if it were fact.

“I’m trying to be your friend here, Justin. I didn’t–.�

“Just shut up,� I gestured, unwilling to hear anymore bullshit from him. “A friend wouldn’t blatantly lie about something like this, so spare me the loyal ally speech.�

As I walked out of the room, leaving the shit I was supposed to take with me, this overwhelming feeling of anguish developed in the pit of my stomach. After all the drama we’d had that day with trying to alleviate the scheduling conflicts between us and Michael Jackson, I was prepared for him to tell me that I, in fact, wouldn’t be sharing the stage with my idol the next night. But Britney, cheating – I wasn’t ready for that. But then, the problems that you worry most about never really seem to ignite. It’s always the ones that catch you unexpectedly on a Wednesday afternoon that manage to fuck your shit up.

On some level, I knew he was right. It’s one of those things you put out of your head until someone else – well somefive or six else, in my case – confirms it. I’ve heard it all before, trust me, but I never cared to really take heed. That’s just one of the things that comes with dating Britney Spears. But for some reason, Wade’s admission seemed to take the biggest toll on me. I didn’t prod him for more information or detail because, I mean, a person that I considered one of my closest friends wouldn’t drop a bomb like that without having some sort of substantial proof or reasoning behind it.

And all of these things people told me
Kept messing with my head

“J, what’s wrong?�

I glanced across one of the many small tables at Nancy’s, engaged in conversation with Britney, finding that every word she uttered seemed to gravitate back towards the ‘great guy’ that Wade is. I sat at that table, listening to my girlfriend confess that she was cheating on me and I was doing nothing about it. It was a staggering epiphany, ‘cause what the hell was I supposed to do? There’s nothing more damaging to the soul than to realize that the person you’re giving your heart to has no respect for you. So, as I sat there internalizing all the information that I would’ve had a long time ago, had I been honest with myself, I decided that she wasn’t the only person that could play games.

“Nothing’s wrong,� I finally answered, staring into her bottle blonde bangs instead of her chocolate brown eyes. “Why?�

“You seem a little distracted.�

“No, I’m fine,� I assured her. “I’m just noticing how gorgeous you are today.�

She smiled so that her face lit up before her peachy shade turned a light pink. “You’re too good to me.�

Hell fuckin’ yeah I am. “No, you deserve so much more than that.� And maybe it’s time you start to get it.

Should’ve picked honesty
Then you may not have blown it

That night, when I was supposed to be herded around New York City from one celebrity party to another, I instead was seated at the base of my hotel room’s bed, nestled into my mother’s arms with tears streaming down my face. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m pretty quick to shed a few tears. I’m not ashamed of it now, but back then, I did think it was kind of a pussy ass move, so I only did it in the privacy and solace of my mom’s company.

The constant rock that she is, she held on for dear life, never once attempting to defend Britney, or cast doubt over what I told myself was already true. She just said what she always says. “I’m here for you.�

I sighed loudly, letting it turn into something close to a roar and picked myself up from the hard carpet. “I just have all these fuckin’ questions goin’ through my head, man. Like, when did this shit start?�

“If you really want the answer, maybe you should ask her,� my mom replied calmly.

“And you think she’d really tell me the truth.�

“I think you’d be one step closer if you asked.�

“I don’t even know if I really want the answer,� I admitted. “I just– Shit!� I yelled, accidentally putting a dent in the door of the entertainment center when I punched it. As I walked in circles around the space-filled bedroom, I realized, “The fucked up thing, though, is that I hate her right now–�

“But you still love her,� she finished for me.

“Yeah.�

“It’s not gonna go away in a matter of hours, baby.�

“But I want it to.�

“It won’t,� she maintained. “You’ve spent half your life developing a friendship with this girl – a love that just doesn’t disappear.�

“Not even if I push it away?�

“You can try, Justin, but who’s it gonna hurt more? Her? Or you?�

“It’s gonna fuck me up,� I answered harshly. I sat down on the bed, pouting, and added softly, “I just want it to fuck her up, too.�

So you took a chance and made other plans
But I bet you didn’t think that they would come crashing down

VMA night was pretty insane. Not only did *NSYNC take the stage with fuckin’ Michael Jackson, but I felt like we had hosted the damn show. We were on stage more than Jamie Foxx. Four freakin’ awards, dude. Count ‘em, motherfuckers – four; including my favorite category: Viewer’s Choice.

All those career accolades are what kept a somewhat genuine smile on my face for Britney, for y’all... ‘cause there were some moments where I was ready to just lose it. Brit asked only about a million times what was wrong with me, and a million times, keeping my arm around her shoulder and my body turned towards her, I told her that I was fine while secretly wanting to go off on her ass. I think I played it off pretty well on camera, though, right? It fascinates me how my fake smiles put everyone at ease and the world is none the wiser. And trust me – I’ve mastered the art of the fake smile.

After the show ended, me and my brother from another mother, Trace, left Britney with her idiot personal assistant, Felicia, and got a headstart for the Trump Towers to change clothes and get ready to paint the town red. Or maybe blue is more appropriate in my situation.

Yo, after tonight, don’t leave your girl ‘round me
True playa, for real

“So, what’s the game plan?� Trace asked as we entered the hotel with Dre and Todd on our heels.

Moving through the lobby, I was finally able to remove my rose-colored glasses and see the beautiful world for what it is, and all the gorgeous women inside it. “Anything goes, man.� I’d told Trace all about the drama over breakfast that morning, and he agreed that I couldn’t let this shit ruin my life. Or, at the very least, my night.

Damn right, I loved you, you were my girl
You see I thought the world of you
But you’re so steady leavin’ babe

“You sure?�

“I’m sure, man. She has this coming.�

“I know you think that today, but you’re not gonna wake up in the morning and wish you could take it all back, are you?�

You don’t have to call, it’s okay girl
‘Cause I’mma be alright tonight

“Fuck it. If she can do it, so can I.�

He put a comforting hand to my back, repeating, “As long as you’re sure.�

I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t certain of anything at that point. At the time, I was naive enough to believe that my twenty short years on Earth had taught me enough about love to have complete faith in it, but that night, when truth came crashing down on me, all the other bullshit went right out the window. So, I guess what I was sure of was that I didn’t know shit. And unfortunately, that wasn’t gonna stop me.

Gonna boogie tonight, ‘cause I’m honestly too young of a guy
To stay home waiting for love
So tonight, I’m gonna do what a single man does
And that’s party

We were about two inches inside the elevator when Trace forcefully turned me in the direction of my newest focus. “Then let me see you go for it, dude.�

I looked down at him and then across the lobby to the two girls about a hundred feet from me, laughing in the lounge, trying to act like all their attention wasn’t on me. “I don’t know them,� I said incredulously. “What the hell are you talking about?�

“That’s the beauty of it,� he explained.

“What?�

“Who are you more likely to get caught with? Christina Aguilera? Or Jane Doe?�

“Why do you sound like you’ve done this before?� I chuckled.

“Yo, J, are you coming up or what?� Todd asked behind me, holding up his walkie-talkie. “I got Rob on the walkie and he said Brit is on her way over.�

Trace gave me an encouraging eyebrow raise as I turned back to my protectors-slash-homeboys. “Yeah, but could y’all do me a favor?�

“Anything,� Dre replied.

Holding the elevator door with my right hand, I said, “You see those two lil’ mamas over there on the couch?�

“Yeah.�

“They’re gonna come with us,� Trace interjected with a smirk. “So, we’re gonna need a separate car for me and the girls.�

“J?� Todd asked, “What’s up?�

“Hey, you heard the man.� Me and Trace did one of those SNL smiles and headed for the two ladies while Dre ran back outside to talk to our driver. As we got closer to the girls, I got this incredible bundle of nerves shooting through my chest. “Wait,� I stopped him.

“What?�

“What the hell are we doing?�

“We’re gonna see if they wanna come with us.�

“And what if they do?� I asked ignorantly. “What do I do?�

“You do whatever feels right.�

There are two kinds of support systems. There’s one that is very submissive, allowing you to do whatever the hell you want to do, no matter how idiotic it is, letting you make your own foolish mistakes. Then, there’s the kind that’s more aggressive, always telling you everything you don’t wanna hear because they don’t want you to fuck yourself up. One of my biggest problems back then was that my support system, essentially my mom and Trace, were the first kind. They never argued against any of my stupid ass decisions. They let me do my dirt and did their best to wipe it off when it blew up in my face. That night was no different.

I was already annoyed when I heard the typical murmur of the ‘Oh-my-God’ from the two girls before we even approached them, but I went along with the slipshod operation and greeted them nonetheless. “What’s up, y’all?� I asked, sitting down across from them.

“Hey,� Trace followed, staring at the petite blonde one. “How y’all doin’ tonight?�

In response, the other one – a taller brunette with green eyes – smiled at the two of us, seeming flustered. “Hi.�

“Hey,� I repeated. “What’s your name?� No point in wasting time.

“I’m Alexis. This is Katie,� she answered, pointing to her friend.

“I’m Justin,� I announced, “and this is my best friend, Trace.� The four of us shook hands, or something close to it, and fidgeted nervously as we glanced around the large lobby, people-watching and ignoring one another.

Finally, Trace decided to break the monotonous silence. “So, we’re heading to a friend’s birthday party. Are y’all up for it?�

Alexis and Katie looked at one another and then at me and Trace. “Are you serious?� Katie asked.

I quickly shot up from the sofa when I saw Britney gliding through the lobby with Felicia, smiling like she’d won the four awards that night. I slightly excused myself from the group, finding my girlfriend’s comfortable side at the elevators before she could even blink. “Hey.�

“Hi!� she cheerfully answered back when she turned around to see me standing in front of her. “I was just on my way up to your room.�

“I thought I’d wait for you in the lobby instead.�

“Aww, did you miss me?�

“Yeah, that’s exactly what it was,� I agreed dryly. “How long do you think you’ll be?�

“Uhh...� she looked at Felicia as the elevator rang and the three of us stepped into it, heading for the seventeenth floor. “Where are we going?�

“To Beyonce’s birthday party,� I quipped in a duh tone. “Isn’t that where you wanted to go?�

“Well, I did, but I was talking to Wade and we were talking about–.�

“Stop right there,� I interrupted. “I’m gonna go to Beyonce’s party. You... can do whatever you want.�

“Justin, you’ve been in such a bad mood today. Are you all right?�

I contemplated just breaking it down for her right then and there, but I remembered Trace sitting in the lobby with new opportunity knocking and I decided against it. “I’m great, baby. Whatever you wanna do.�

“Well, if you wanna hang out with the boys at her party, then you go ahead. Me and Felicia and Wade will go to the J-Lo party. Right, Fe?� Felicia nodded in compliance and smiled at me. “It’s all good, baby.�

Yeah, I bet it is. I turned my frown into another one of my notoriously fake smiles, wishing that I had the balls to say what I really thought of this stupid ass plan of hers. The most I could muster was an concurring “Yeah.�

The damage is done, so I guess I’ll be leaving

Beyonce’s 20th birthday bash was nothing short of the Who’s Who that I expected it to be. In fact, minus Britney and the Backstreet Boys, it was basically a continuation of the VMAs. I walked in with Nelly and P. Diddy to my right, JC and Pink to my left and Trace, Alexis and whatever that other girl’s name was at my side. I was ridiculously deep in my ‘Britney who?’ phase of anger, so I was convinced that this night was gonna be the shit and then some. Or... maybe just some shit.

When I noticed the birthday girl walking in my direction, I subconsciously adjusted the collar on my blue checkered shirt, did a quick mouth wipe and smiled when she did, approaching in a white tank top with a tiger on the front and an enticing pair of blue jeans on. “Justin,� she hugged me, “what’s up, baby?�

I kissed her on the cheek and resisted the temptation to let my hands drop to the illustrious bootyliciousness. “Happy birthday, girl. How you doin’?�

“I’m good,� she nodded, quickly acknowledging my three guests before pulling me further into the party. “Britney here?�

“Nah. She’s on the other side of town, but she sends her love.�

She let out a low, sexy chuckle that bordered on sarcastic when she replied, “I hope she sent her gift, too.�

“Hey, I’m here, right?�

We both sounded as if we were close to intoxication as we laughed at my joke that really wasn’t that funny. Coincidentally, she handed me a glass of what appeared to be fruit punch with a presumable kick. “In that case, save me a dance.� Her light brown eyes locked with mine, bringing her request a completely new meaning. “Or whatever.�

She dashed off to enjoy more of her party, leaving me to intermix with the rest of the ego in the room. I spent the night watching Beyonce dance with friends and family, swinging blonde tresses as if they were hers, conversing with the room like a true hostess. That girl was just too fine. And not in just the superficial, exterior manner – she had a personality that I could get with.

At that point, I was feeling pretty damn good about my miserable self. I really felt like a free man that night, and the only thing to hold me captive was my conscience. Lucky – or perhaps unlucky – for me, it was on temporary hiatus. Nothing works better to the advantage of revenge than freeing your inhibitions. And believe me, they were all gone by the time the crowd was standing around eating cake with Beyonce’s face on it.

A song of Usher’s blasted throughout the party and a wasted version of the guest of honor came dancing in literal circles around me with a plate in her hand. “You ready for that dance?�

“I was kinda opting for the ‘Or whatever’ instead.�

In the gorgeous, thick tone that her voice always held, she sang with the song, “I don’t know what you came to do, boy. What you came to do tonight...�

“But I came to party,� I agreed.

I smiled at her body’s motion against mine as she let that Neptune sound send her hips into action. This time, I didn’t resist any urges. My hands obligingly held onto the booty, knowing that that was just a small taste of what was to come because we had a silenced mutual agreement that ‘Or whatever’ was just another way of saying that I was a mere hotel room away from tearin’ that ass up.

“Let’s go party then,� she finally decided, once again pulling me through the crowd of birthday partyers. Moving through the guests, I noticed the unmistakable blonde and brown of Wade’s spiky hair, meaning that Britney was more than likely within the vicinity, but if I can be honest, I truly didn’t give a shit. A few quick goodbyes and we’d taken our separate exits to where we were gonna start a new party. Guest list: two – Justin and Beyonce.

Your bridges were burned
Now it’s your turn to cry

Later that night, after I’d fucked the hell out of Miss Knowles, as my car took me from The Plaza Hotel back to the Trump Towers, I reflected over what the hell I’d just done and something within me quelled. I dunno whether it was the thrill of getting my revenge or just getting some new ass, but it was exhilarating. I got away with it. So, the new question on my hands is, why stop there?

I hope I’m not moving too fast for you. But we’ve got about four more years to cover and this is only the beginning.


Lyrics:
“Cry Me A River� - Justin Timberlake (Justfied)
“U Don’t Have To Call� - Usher (8701)

2. You’re A Piece Of Shit

When I look back on love
And all the things that we were guilty of
All the words I should’ve said
And how you always walk ahead of me
How could I have been so naive?

The tragedy of September 11th took a huge toll on me. I mean, I guess it’s needless to say that it fucked with everyone for quite a while, but the notion of such an inhumane act put a lot of my shit into perspective. It scared me, it humbled me, and made an honest man out of me. Sort of.

My Saturday, September 15th afternoon had been spent doubling adlibs for the ‘What’s Going On’ collaborative effort. I was still in that weird, depressive headspace, but I was prepared to do whatever I could for the song.

With Vh1 cameras all over the studio, I was careful to avoid all contact with Beyonce. After the attack, I told her that our extracurricular activities couldn’t continue. If I was gonna cherish my life, I had to live it honestly at the very least. She was disappointed, but she didn’t go psycho or anything; she understood. Besides, our little affair had only been five days strong. I was glad that we hadn’t gotten in too deep. Sort of.

But anyway, as I was saying, everyone’s Saturday had been consumed with the song, but Britney and I had plans to escape to Hawaii once we finished our small, significant parts. She thought we needed a vacation; I thought we needed a little truth in our relationship. Stupid as it may have been, I didn’t want to keep living a lie.

It was all going relatively well. I hadn’t quite concocted the right words to say, but the more time I spent with Brit, the more convinced I was that something had to be said. I wasn’t looking for a venue to hurt her, necessarily – I was past my angry phase. I was just ready to clear the air and give the two of us a new beginning. Maybe that wasn’t exactly the right way to go about doing it, but I went with what I knew.

Lounging around our Hawaiian villa, watching Pretty in Pink for the millionth time, the urge suddenly struck me to open up a new can of worms. Pulling myself from the confinement of Britney lying on top of me, I quietly asked, “Brit, can I ask you a question?�

“Anything, baby.� She smiled and sat up on the tropical floral-print of the wicker sofa. “What’s up?�

“I was wondering – and this is gonna seem really out of the blue,� I explained, “but if I were to ask you to be completely honest with me, would you do it?�

“What do you mean?�

“I mean, if I asked you something, would you be totally honest in your answer? Even if it could possibly and would probably hurt me?�

She must’ve noticed my unease, because alarm came crashing over her gorgeous chocolate orbs. “Where’s this coming from, J?�

When I look into your eyes, you don’t see me
I can hear it in your voice, you don’t need me

“Can you answer the question?�

“Baby–.�

“Please.�

“Why do I suddenly feel like I’m on the witness stand?� she smiled nervously.

“I just want an answer.�

“Of course I would,� she nodded, covering my back with her small, comforting hands. “Of course.�

“Okay.�

“Do you have something to ask me?�

“No,� I lied, looking down at the soft white floor tiles. “No, it was just a question.�

“Are you sure?�

“Have you ever cheated on me?� I blurted, praying that it didn’t come out as crass as it sounded in my head.

“What?� She let out another jittery chuckle. “How could you think that?�

“I don’t think it. I’m asking you a question.�

“Why would you ask it, J? You must’ve thought it if you could come up with the question.�

“It’s a fucking question, Britney. Answer it.�

She apprehensively backed away from me, moving to the other side of the couch. “No, Justin. I’ve never cheated on you.�

Guess I was missing all the signs
Somehow, I didn’t realize that you were changing down inside
About to walk out of my life

“Honestly,� I asked.

“Honestly,� she confirmed softly.

“Well,� I began to admit, “I’ve been with someone else.�

“What?�

“I cheated on you.�

“Justin –.�

“I’m sorry.�

“Baby, you already apologized for the ‘Gone’ video when you didn’t have to. You were just doing your job. And it hurt, yeah, but that wasn’t cheating.�

I laughed in a way that gave off an air of malevolence – well, to me it did, anyway. “No–.�

“Yes, sweetie. Stop blaming yourself for that.�

“No,� I jumped in. “I cheated. I fucked someone else, willingly, more than once. And I initiated it every single time.� I momentarily paused so that she could digest my words before adding, “So now, do you have something to confess?�

When I ask what’s on your mind, did you hear me?

She stared over at me with shocked eyes, confused eyes. “What are you trying to do here, Justin?�

“I’m trying to tell the truth!

“Why?�

“Do you even know what that is anymore?�

“How dare you say that to me.�

“All I want is the truth, Britney.�

“Justin... I – I don’t know what to say.�

“Just admit it, Britney. Please.�

“Why?�

“I need to hear you say it.�

“Why!�

“Because I need to know that you can trust me with the truth,� I answered softly.

“You’re not trusting me,� she countered.

“You won’t let me! Tell me, Britney.�

“I don’t wanna lie,� she divulged, a huge lonely tear rushing down her cheek, “but I can’t tell the truth.�

“Please,� I begged. I got down on bended knee in front of her and grabbed her hand. “Please.�

She snatched her hand away and wiped her face harshly. “Okay!� she relented. She avoided my eyes as she said, “Me and Wade have been together only... God knows how many times.� She sighed, still wiping her face. “Are you happy?�

Tell me, what happened to the time
When you had to be near me

“No...� I trailed off. “But thank you for telling me.�

“Why? Why did you want that?�

“Because I already knew,� I affirmed. “I just had to hear it from you.�

“Why?�

“I needed to hear it so that I could forgive you.�

“You’re out of your mind,� she stated, rising from her seat.

“Do you love him?�

“No.�

“Why not?�

“Not yet,� she reconsidered.

“He said that he loves you,� I told her, holding back tears.

“He told you?� she shouted. “What the hell.�

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell you.�

“Why would he tell you?�

“Because he’s a slightly better man than you are a woman.�

“Ju–.�

“I’m sorry,� I quickly shot back. “I’m sorry.�

She very slowly made circles around the large, clean room, her tears dropping to the floor as she paced and pondered. “Who was she?�

“Does it matter?� I sighed.

“You wanted the truth, I gave it to you. Give it back to me.�

“I gave you the truth, too.�

“All of it, Justin!�

I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out. Just a word of advice, y’all: Be careful what you wish for. “Beyonce,� I finally said quietly.

“Are you serious?�

“I’m sorry,� I said again.

“Irrelevant.�

“But I am.�

“Why did you do it?� she demanded.

“Because I was too weak to confront you. I wanted to hurt you the way I’d been hurt.�

“How long have you known?�

“Since the VMAs.�

“You’re a piece of shit,� she spewed, matter-of-factly.

“So are you,� I quipped. “You started this.�

“Well, why didn’t you just break up with me? Two wrongs don’t make a right, Justin.�

“I know that.�

“You’re a fuckin’ punk, dude.�

“I know that, too. I’m not trying to pretend here.�

“That’s exactly what you’re doing,� she scoffed. “You’re trying to pretend that all this confessing is going to fix things; that we’ll be able to start over after this.�

“If I’m willing to forgive you, then you have to be willing to give us another try.�

Once we were two halves of one whole
You know you lived inside my soul

“I don’t have to do anything. You’re just as much to blame here as I am.�

“I didn’t fall in love with someone else,� I said harshly, instantly wishing I could take back my tone.

“Yeah, you just gave your body to someone else.�

“But not because you weren’t enough for me, Britney. It was because I found out I wasn’t enough for you.� And that’s when my own tears made their presence known. “You gave him everything that I’ve worked so hard to uncover in you.�

One day you took yourself away
Left me wondering what to say

“That is...�

“That’s what? That’s true, right?� I chided, wiping my face. “Why wasn’t I enough?�

“You were, Justin. You are enough.� She leaned into the balcony door and softly collapsed to the floor. “Sometimes, you’re just too much.�

There it is, folks. That classic problem that I’d had with every woman in my life. I loved them too damn much. Well, I certainly wasn’t having that shit anymore. That moment was a definitive turning point in my life. I’m too much. Yeah, well, that taught me to never expect anything from anyone in this lifetime. People give and people take. They don’t necessarily say ‘Please’ and ‘Thanks’, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I forgive you’. You get used to it and you do it, too. Maybe then, you find yourself some balance and will never be accused of being too much or too little of anything.

“Okay,� I solemnly replied, finally.

When will I be able to admit that it’s over?
I don’t want to believe love can be done and over

That strange, truth-filled Hawaiian night in September wasn’t the end of us, though. For months, we tried to pretend that we were still all right. That night, we made promises to one another that we were committed to being honest. No more lies, no more cheating, no more wondering. I just wasn’t ready to see us fail – not after I’d trumped her up as the best girlfriend in the world all year.

And with her, I think that with her album coming out, her tour, and her movie coming out at the beginning of the year, she didn’t need the stress of a breakup on her shoulders – especially not a public one. She even offered to fire Wade and get herself a new tour director. I wouldn’t hear of it – more out of a desire to have something to hold over her head than anything else, but also because if she fired him, then I’d seem like a selfish, insecure prick. And I wasn’t up for that kind of honesty yet.

But above all, I think that we decided to try and work it out because after 9/11, the last thing anyone wanted to do was turn their back on love. Everyone was just too scared to be alone at that point. And could you blame us? Isolation and desolation is a painful burden to bear in times of fear. But then, so is deception. And I was still knee-deep in it. I just couldn’t stop.

February 3, 2002. That was a kind of groundbreaking day for us. It was probably when Brit came to the realization that she was actually in our relationship alone. And it was when I realized that I was addicted to cheating on her.

Once again, we were in New York at yet another party. It was a Superbowl soiree at Planet Hollywood that we were making a forced appearance at for charity, or somethin’. I was newly twenty-one and had just partied my ass off a few days prior, so I wasn’t really in a socializing mood. But we did our press rounds, put on our fake smiles and mingled the best way we knew how... Well, I did, anyway.

I was on the return from one of many bathroom trips, fixing my red shirt over my jeans, making sure my dark blue beanie was on straight when my girlfriend rushed to my side with suspicion in her eyes. “Where have you been?� she requested simply.

I gave her a look that relayed just how insignificant her concerns were to me and said quietly, “In the bathroom.�

“For twenty minutes, Justin?�

“I had to take a shit. Is that okay?�

“Yeah, well, you’re still full of it.� As I tried to play off our escalating argument by placing an arm around her shoulder, she irritably threw me off of her and motioned to join her family in the upstairs portion of the restaurant before I stopped her.

“Where are you going?�

“I dunno, I just feel like being with people that love me.�

“Hey.� I grabbed her by her football jersey so that she couldn’t scurry away. “What are you saying?�

“The rest of the world might think I’m a big dumbass, but I expected a lot more from you, Justin.�

“What?�

“You disappear in thirty-minute intervals and I’m not supposed to get it? How stupid do you think I am?�

“I think you’re overreacting,� I said, chuckling nonchalantly. All I wanted was to keep up the facade for the rest of the evening for the public. If need be, we could argue when we got back to our hotel. “Can we just get through today?�

“You’re pitiful.�

“I don’t deny it.�

“Admitting your faults and your truths doesn’t make them any less ugly,� she proclaimed, grasping my hand so that we could continue through the party. “I’m trying to get through this because I love you, but what are you gonna do when you not loving me back becomes too much for me to handle.�

You see, it’s shit like that that turns me off from relationships. When I did love her more than life itself, it was too much. Now, when I’m trying not to smother her, it’s still too much. Granted, my ‘not smothering her’ had turned to full-blown betrayal, but I kinda sorta had good intentions. Nothing was working, though. What was I supposed to do with that?

“What are you tryin’ to say, Brit?�

She pulled me into a hug, giving off a contented vibe to anyone that was watching. Whispering in my ear, she simply told me, “Stop.�

I pulled out of our hug and looked at her cautiously. “What–.�

“Just stop.�

Now and then, thoughts have crossed my mind
Love was missing
Maybe I knew somewhere inside
But I didn’t wanna listen

By the middle of *NSYNC’s Celebrity Tour, me not loving her back did become too much to handle. It obviously took more of a toll on her than it did me, but by the time we made it to Phoenix, Brit’s frustration had come to fruition. Not ten minutes after I’d made it onto the tour bus for the night as we headed for Vegas, I got the call.

I was packed away tightly in my bunk when the vibration of my cell stirred the quiet bus, forcing me to answer it in spite of my avoiding her. “Hello?� I whispered as if I didn’t already know who was calling.

“Justin–.�

“Hey, baby,� I interrupted, doing my best to front for the inevitable eavesdropping that my bandmates were doing. “How are you?�

“What are you doing?� she sniffled.

At that moment, I envisioned her sitting at her house – the one y’all knew as ‘ours’ – at some random window, with puffy eyes and a red nose, just completely discombobulated. And I felt terrible. “I’m laying in my bed,� I answered honestly.

“Alone?�

“Of course.�

“It’s never a guarantee with you,� she chuckled under another sniffle.

“Hey. What’s wrong?�

“Us.�

“What? What happened?�

“You stopped loving me,� she cried. “Why’d you stop?�

So why’d you go and put me through
All the silly shit men do – it’s a mystery to me

“Where’s this coming from?� I asked softly. “Don’t do this now, baby.�

“I don’t see a need to keep pretending, Justin.�

“We’ve been doing so well all month, though.�

“Yeah, you cheat and I keep my mouth shut. That’s not how this is supposed to go, man.�

But at least now I know the truth

“I love you,� I reassured her. “I do.�

“Well, it’s not enough anymore,� she decided. “I don’t know how to do this but to come right out and say it–.�

“No,� I protested. “Not yet. Not like this.�

“I have to.�

“You can’t.�

“It’s over.�

We may try to deny all signs and hide
But baby, it’s time that we admit it... that it’s over


Lyrics:
“Admit It� - Lalah Hathaway (Outrun the Sky)

3. It's All Beyond Repair

“No,� I protested. “Not yet. Not like this.�

“I have to.�

“You can’t.�

“It’s over.�

“It can’t be over,� I maintained. “I’m not ready to give up on you yet.� I turned over on my back so that I could slip out of my bottom bunk and shuffled to the back of the tourbus.

“Justin, you gave up on me a long time ago. It’s not fair to either one of us to keep acting like we’re happy.�

“But we can be, baby.�

“No. We can’t,� she whispered. “What’s done is done and it’s time to move on, Justin.�

“I know I’ve fucked up. Believe me, I know,� I emphasized, “but there’s so much more in store for us. I promise I’ll do better. I swear to God, I’ll try my hardest and we can fix this.�

“I don’t want to fix it.�

“Why not?�

“There’s nothing left to fix. We’ve done all we can.�

“No!� I whispered harshly. “The world is ours, baby. We can do this.�

“We said that last time,� she sniffled. “Nothing changed.�

How many times have you broken my heart and I let you back in?
Maybe it’s time we both go our separate ways

“I know... I know. But I – I was still mad at you; I was still in my stupid phase. But if I changed once, I can change again.�

Her sniffles and whimpering got louder with each passing second while I sat at the back of our bus wishing that I was with her, wishing that I could catch her tears. I never meant for us to turn to this. I never ever wanted to hurt her this way. But then, Hell is paved with good intentions. We all mean well, but the only way to keep good intentions from dying is to execute them. I’d yet to master that concept.

“Justin,� she sniffed, “I’m gonna try this with you one more time. Because I do love you–.�

“I love you, too,� I interrupted. “I’m so sorry for all that I’ve put you through.�

“Just don’t do it anymore,� she solemnly replied. “I can’t deal.�

I nodded, despite the fact that she couldn’t see me. I just didn’t have anything left to say. “Okay.�

“Okay.�

“Can I come see you?� That came out a lot more immature-sounding than I would’ve liked.

“Aren’t you on tour?�

“Yeah. So?�

“So... I don’t think that’s such a good idea.�

“Why not?�

“Because you’re busy. I’m busy. I’ll just... see you when I’m back in America.�

“Where are you now?�

“I’m in France, Justin. I told you I was leaving for Europe this week.�

“Okay, so I forgot. What’s the big deal.�

“It’s not a big deal,� she relented. “I just thought you cared enough to know where I am.�

“Sweetheart, I barely even know where I am right now.�

“Okay, fine.� She sighed heavily, damn near blowing my ear off with the loud reverberations of the phone, and said quietly, “I’m gonna go now. Okay?�

“Yeah,� I awkwardly answered. “Get some rest, all right?�

“Yeah.�

“I love you.�

“Bye.� Callously, she hung up the phone without any other words. The way she hung up, very clearly ignoring my declaration of love, hit me hard. Sure, we’ve fought before, and yeah, we’ve ended calls on bad terms, went to bed angry and all that shit that couples do. But this time, it felt like she was at a stage past anger – it was more like she just didn’t care anymore. And that was a bigger pill to swallow than anything else.

How many times have you broken my heart and I let you back in?

That night, as I sat at the table in the back of our bus, clinging desperately to a relationship that had dwindled to nothing, I cried. I cried for what I’d done to her. I cried for what she’d done to me. I cried because at that moment, I finally knew what it really felt like to have a broken heart. And that night, I cried myself to sleep.

Maybe it’s time we both go our separate ways

Two days later, we touched down in Houston. Luckily, I had this crazy tour to take my mind off of all things sad and bad in my life. Honestly, the fans are what keep me going sometimes. I have bad days where I wanna tell the whole world to kiss my ass, and hey, sometimes I do. But there are other days that that ‘I love you, Justin’ just does me a world of good. Obviously, it’s a different kind of adulation than what I was lacking at the time, but love is love. At that time, the refreshing breeze of a fan was all the light I needed to get through my darkness.

That Sunday, St. Patrick’s Day, as I perused through J. Crew at The Galleria with my agent, Shani, and my security, I got a very welcome surprise phone call from one of my biggest fans... so to speak. “You have an incoming call,� Shani informed me, somehow hearing my phone’s vibration when I couldn’t even feel it.

It was a Houston area code with a number I didn’t really recognize; but, deciding that it was someone from our entourage, calling from the hotel, I obligingly picked it up. “Hello?�

“What’s up?� A woman’s deeply rich, Southern accent met me on the other end. “You in my hometown and you wasn’t even gonna call me?�

“I’m sorry?�

“You don’t know who this is, do you?�

“How’d you get this number?�

“No you didn’t,� she chuckled. And then I got it – I could recognize her laugh anywhere. It was just so damn sexy. “It’s Beyonce,� she finally divulged.

“Psh, I knew that.� I began to walk in circles around the large store, avoiding contact with all human beings, just to be sure that they couldn’t record my conversation and report it to those crazy bastards at E! or some shit. “So, what’s up?�

“I just asked you that. Why didn’t you call me?�

“I dunno,� I lied. “We just got in.�

“Yesterday,� she quipped. “Are we over again and you forgot to tell me?�

“No,� I lied, once more, laughing to conceal my falsehoods. “Nah, I just didn’t wanna bother you.�

“Now you know you are never a bother,� she reassured me with a giggle. “In fact, you’re a perfect addition to my little vacation time at home.�

“Oh yeah?�

“Yeah. I’m so... glad to just be gettin’ a break.�

“Girl, I told you you work too hard.�

“I know,� she sighed. “But you know how it is.�

“Hell yeah I do. Is the movie all wrapped up and shit?�

“My filming parts are all done until April when I gotta go back to LA and do ADRs.�

“And that would be...�

“Automatic Dialogue Replacement.� She gave me that laugh again and explained, “You know how you double everything you sing in the studio?�

“Yeah.�

“Yeah, it’s just like that. Just basically makin’ the dialogue more... easy to be heard.�

“And you have to do that for the whole movie?�

“Pretty much.�

“Wow,� I marveled. “I don’t envy you then.�

“It’s cool,� she laughed. “But anyway, if you wanted to come chill for the night, my door is always open.�

I turned to where Shani and Mike were at the cash register, very obviously waiting on me while I pretended that I was actually about to buy something out of that preppy ass store. I threw out my pangs of guilt, wanting to end our conversation on a good note, not wanting to blow her off like I was supposed to – especially after begging Britney for another chance. But when it came to Beyonce, or B for short, I hadn’t yet found the capacity to say ‘No’.

“You live alone?� I asked.

“Actually, I live here with my girls, but Kel is in LA doing her album and Chelle is promoting hers, so we got the place all to ourselves if you want.�

I did want. I really, really, really wanted. But I wanted to make me and Britney work, too. “I have a busy day tomorrow. I should stay in and get some rest,� I declined.

“For real?�

“I’m sorry.�

“Nah, I understand. I’ll just see you at the show tomorrow.�

“No!� I objected. If she came, she’d be seen. And that, for sure, would be the last straw with Brit. “I mean... I’ll be over after dinner.�

“Or, you could come now and I’ll make dinner.�

Free home cookin’? Oh, hell yeah. I looked at my watch, seeing that the 7PM mall closing time was soon approaching, so I had to bounce anyway. “That’ll work,� I answered. “Just text me your address and we’ll find it.�

“See you soon. And bring a big ol’ appetite,� she laughed.

“You know I will.�

I got plans tonight
And you, you know what I like
And you’re approachin’ me right
But I gotta make sure it’s right for me

With the help of Tiny, whose hometown also happened to be Houston, I made it to B’s huge house around 7:30. I’d never been there before, so the elaborate decor of the ostentatious mansion before I even made it to the front door was all very intimidating. But then, the very same thing could be said about Beyonce herself. This air of apprehension always struck me about five seconds before she and I came face to face. She was just such a star. A... True Star, if you will.

Nervously, I threw my hood over my head, scurried up the three steps to the front and rang the doorbell, which resounded a ringtone of ‘Say My Name’ throughout the house, from what I could hear.

“I’ll be right there, J,� she told me, via the intercom, startling the shit out of me. Like a twelve-year-old being let into his first house party, I shot Tiny the deuces, letting him know that I was safe and I’d call him when I was ready to go home.

The heavy white and gold door swung open and before me stood five feet, six inches of golden perfection, covered in all the right places by a loose-fitting, summery red dress. As always, her entire body seemed to shimmer, giving off the impression that if she touched you, you’d turn to gold. She had that magic way of awing me every single time we came together.

Little baby with the sundress on
You lookin’ so damn right you’re wrong
Make me wanna write my own little song for you

“Get in here,� she smiled, pulling me into a quick hug before she closed the door. “You okay?�

I nodded uneasily, staring at the hugeness of her house. I was no stranger to eloquence, but as they say, everything’s bigger in Texas. “I’m good.�

“Good. You’re just in time for dinner.�

The aroma of something spicy tickled my nose, informing my stomach that it was more hungry than I already knew. Now this is somethin’ I could get used to. “What are we having?�

“Some Creole chicken gumbo.�

“Girl, you know the way to my heart,� I laughed as she grabbed my hand and led me out of the foyer and into the kitchen. “Where you learn how to cook?�

“Well, my mama’s family has people down in New Orleans, so you know I had to learn somethin’.�

“Smells like you learned a lot.�

“Honestly, this is ‘bout the only thing I can cook.�

“You’re doin’ better than me, then.�

Chuckling, she coolly sat me down at one of the two kitchen tables, it sitting directly in front of this huge window that overlooked her pool, giving off a very oceanic scene. “Did you get here okay?�

“Yeah, it was a breeze. Houston is gorgeous at night,� I commented.

“So it ain’t gorgeous in the day?�

My eyes followed her ass as it bounced with her while she made her way around the kitchen, fixing our plates. “You need any help?�

She spun on her barefoot heel and sat a wide bowl of gumbo on the glass table in front of me. “Not yet,� she smiled. “You sure you okay?�

The way the thang just wiggle in the air
Turn around and then you flip yo’ hair
And I can think of a couple positions for you

“I’m great,� I grinned back. “Why?�

She sat down across from me, crossing her legs in a way that ensured me that there was nothing between us but her little red dress. “You seem nervous.�

Must be somethin’ you want me to see
Baby girl, don’t mind me if I do

“I’m fine,� I lied. I was a wreck. But for all the wrong reasons.

“I love your hair like that,� she suddenly acknowledged, her stare penetrating mine. “You should keep that cut.�

“Thanks.� I self-consciously ran a hand through my buzz cut and sheepishly smiled. “I like yours that way, too.�

“Really?�

“Yeah. It brings out your face.�

“I was gonna get rid of this crazy ‘fro after the movie wrapped. But... you really like it?�

“Yeah,� I confirmed, nodding. “It’s cute.�

Blushing, she looked down at her food and delved into it as I did the same. “You sure you like it?� she asked again with uncertainty raising her voice an octave.

“Girl, if you don’t shut up and eat.� I laughed, inhaling a spoonful of the savory soup. The tenderness of the chicken, the spicy sausage mixed with the varying herbs and the soft white rice was just what I needed to calm my ass down. “B, this is amazing.�

“You like it?�

“Yeah,� I repeated, chewing my chicken. “It’s like... it feels like it’s dancin’ in my mouth.�

“You are a fool,� she chuckled.

“I’m for real. And then it makes me feel all warm goin’ down.�

“Alright now. That’s my job.� She winked as we both let out a hearty laugh, still wrapping ourselves in the deliciousness of her meal. I could really get used to this.

“I can’t believe you did all this for me.�

“Hey, I had to eat. Why not have some company.�

“I appreciate it,� I said honestly. “I don’t get this kinda treatment until I go home to my family.�

“Britney doesn’t cook for you?�

“Shit,� I cackled, “between the two of us, we can make a mean pop tart and a glass of milk. And I’m the one that specializes in pop tarts.�

“That is sad,� she laughed. “I’ll have to let you in on my secret recipe one day.�

“I’d like that.�

“Speaking of milk, I didn’t even offer you somethin’ to drink. What you want?�

“I can get it,� I offered, rising from my seat.

“Don’t be silly – you’re the guest. Sit down,� she instructed, picking herself up from her own chair, “and tell me what you want.� Watching her form tiptoe to the refrigerator, I went into a state of speechlessness, not really comprehending the fact that she was talking to me. “It’s quiet in here. You want some music?�

“Brilliant,� I absently answered with a snap of my fingers. “And I’ll take some Sprite if you have any.�

She danced back into the room, jammin’ to some India.Arie, subtly shaking her ass while searching her refrigerator. “No Sprite. How ‘bout some Ginger Ale?�

Body sayin’ thangs I ain’t never heard
Did that shake-shake and I kinda went berserk

“That’ll work,� I decided. “Oh, by the way, I listened to that song you emailed me.�

Walking to the table with ice-filled glasses and a big green plastic bottle, she gave me a skittish sigh, accompanied by a matching stare as she sat down. “And what did you think?�

“I liked it,� I nodded. “I’d be glad to do the beatbox for it.�

“Don’t lie to me.�

“I’m not lying,� I laughed. “I told you Pharrell wasn’t gonna steer you wrong.�

“You don’t think it’s too raunchy?�

“I don’t know if I’d be the person to ask about that... but I like the song. It has that old school vibe that you need for the movie, right?�

“Yeah...�

“But what?�

“You know I’m sensitive about my music,� she explicated, “and I just don’t want people to be thrown off by what I’m doing with this song as opposed to what my album’s gonna be about.�

“Hey. Don’t nobody know about that better than I do.�

“No, but with the group, you got somebody to take the fall with. I’m goin’ solo, man. It’s scary.�

“Don’t nobody know that better than I do,� I repeated, emphasizing my last few words.

Her caramel eyes widened in surprise and elation. “Justin, you goin’ solo?�

I nodded with a goofy smile that solidified my new information. “I’m just waiting for notification that I have a record deal.�

“That’s great! That’s incredible!�

“Thanks.�

“I knew you were gonna do it eventually.�

“Like you said, I had to, right?�

“I’m proud of you,� she intimated. “I can’t wait to see what you’re gonna do.�

“And I can say the exact same about you.�

That was the thing about me and B. We had so much in common that we couldn’t help but be drawn to one another. Our upbringing was similar, our careers were on parallel wavelengths, and we just... got each other. We didn’t need a lot of words to feel comfortable. Everything just kinda clicked into place when we hooked up. She would always encourage me and advise me, and I did the same for her. Like in 2001, when I suggested going solo to Brit, she said, ‘Oh, but what if you fail?’ Not exactly the positive reinforcement you’d expect from your girl. B told me to just go for it and see what happens.

I gotta give it to you girl, you’re one of a kind

After dinner, as we washed dishes and found ourselves playfully dancing around her colorful kitchen to Tina Turner, I began to get that magic itch in my groin that always arose when she and I got too close. I knew she felt it too, because she flirtatiously began to bend and twist in ways that showcased the best sides of her bare ass. And by best sides, I do mean all sides.

“You ready for dessert?� she queried, circling me with the ‘Proud Mary’ dance.

“You made dessert, too?�

She lightly laughed under the music and grabbed my hand. “We’re gonna make dessert.�

And when you took my hand up so calm
And touched it to yo’ cherry lip balm
A million nasty thangs went through my mind

Me chuckling in realization, Beyonce anxiously led me through her flamboyantly decorated crib and into her room with the very appropriate title of ‘Queen B’ posted on the tall, white door. Inside, I was met with deep purples and magentas that so perfectly lit up her personality. But, in the same token, it didn’t exactly do much for the mood we had going. Or, maybe it was my guilty conscience eating away at me. Either way, I did what I do best in times of distress – I bowed out.

As she traipsed around the room, creating ambience and collecting the three to four condoms that we usually went through, I secretly sent the message to Tiny that I was ready to leave. And then, like the coward that I am, pretending that I’d just finished checking my messages, I told her, “Babe, we’re gonna have to take a raincheck on this. My tour manager’s been calling everybody and I gotta get back.�

She turned from her candle-lighting and looked at me with disappointment. “You can’t be serious.�

“I’m sorry,� I sighed, walking towards her to envelope her into a hug.

“It’s so early, though. They can’t wait a little while longer?�

“My bodyguard’s already on his way.�

“Damn.�

“I’m so sorry,� I repeated.

“No, it ain’t your fault. Don’t worry about it.�

See, it was shit like that that just made me wanna be honest with her. She was just cool about everything. There was never any big dramatic fanfare with her. “I’m full of shit,� I admitted, pulling out of our embrace. “I called my bodyguard ‘cause I’m just not up for this tonight.�

“Why? What’s up?�

“I dunno. I’m gettin’ to that point where I can’t keep doing this to Britney.�

“I see,� she said, slightly bowing her head. “Well, she is your girlfriend.�

“Hey,� I countered, lifting her chin with my index finger, “you know you’re my favorite girl.�

She nodded in a way that told me she wasn’t really convinced, but we went with it anyway as we headed for the foyer of the house. “It’s fine, Justin. We obviously have no strings attached here.�

Seeing the black Yukon that transported me everywhere pull into her circular driveway, I quickly gave B a short kiss on the side of her full, glossed lips. “Thank you so much for dinner.�

“Anytime,� she grinned, showing off the dimple in her right cheek. “Just gimme a call when you can.�

“I will,� I assured her. After opening the door, I gave her one last peck and quickly shuffled to the car, thankful to finally be out of the line of fire. For the moment.

Thank you ma’am, it’s certainly been a delight

Another three days later, once we had a much-needed mini-break in the tour, I found myself flying to Europe for a day or three – Sweden, to be precise. Britney was over there promoting that God-awful ‘Crossroads’ movie, so I thought I’d pay her a visit. It probably sounds terrible that I was going all the way to Europe with the sole intent of breaking up with her, but I couldn’t exactly do it on the phone – not after I begged and pleaded for another chance. But after my dinner with Beyonce, I was finally seeing the blinding light that was telling me I couldn’t go on like this.

Maybe I was in the same place as Britney had been with Wade. I think I was fallin’ for someone else – or maybe just longing for something new. But it made me realize that it’s not always about calculated deception. Sometimes, shit just happens. Yeah, it coulda been avoided. But it was too late in the game to throw around shoulda-coulda-woulda. It was just time to repair my many past mistakes. So, with the help of Mrs. Spears and an eager and willing security team, I arrived in Stockholm at the Sheraton Hotel & Towers without Britney knowing a damn thing.

There’s something dangerous about surprises, though. If you’re not careful, or depending on who you’re surprising, you just might get your own little unsolicited shockers here and there. I witnessed it firsthand that day. Take heed when I say that the only person you can ever trust in this lifetime is yourself.

Waiting all damn day for Britney to return from her duties as a pop star certainly did nothing for my restiveness, but hearing her happy cackle approaching in the hallway was the solace I needed to do what I came to do – not because I wanted to see her unhappy, but because her laugh always put me in a comfort zone.

She walked into her quiet suite on the heels of Big Rob, her bodyguard, while her right hand was intertwined with that of her co-star, Anson. I spotted their interlock before she even noticed me, which was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I would’ve rather walked in on them having sex, dude. But him holding her hand – the same one I once always held – it internally broke me. It was the sign of genuine affection that I just hadn’t prepared myself for. That’s what I meant about surprises. And that’s what I was talking about when I said we both created cuts and bruises in our relationship.

When Brit finally did see me sitting silently across the room, all smiles and laughter disappeared, she quickly dropped the co-star dude’s hand and blushingly smiled as she made her way over to me. “J, what on Earth are you doing here?�

“I came to see you,� I stated calmly. “Surprise.�

“Y’all, can you leave us alone for a minute?� she requested of Rob and Anson.

I watched them discreetly exit the room via the adjoining suite door to my left. I sat back into the small brown and beige loveseat that I’d been on for the past two hours and I stared into the blank space in front of me. “So, you’re fuckin’ him now? What happened to Wade?�

“Don’t do this, Justin,� she pleaded from beside me. “It’s not what you think.�

“I’m sure.�

“I’m serious.�

“It’s irrelevant, Britney. It’s all irrelevant, it’s all pointless. It’s all beyond repair.�

Now all that’s left is sayin’ nothing
And we’re not even friends no more

“What are you talking about?�

“I begged you for another chance when I didn’t even need one,� I acknowledged. “This just – we’re not who we used to be. If we’re gonna try and pretend to be adults now, we gotta let go of the puppy love, right?�

“Are you breaking up with me? Because I was holding hands with someone else?�

“We’re breaking up with each other because it’s over.�

I once was afraid of starting over
But you leave me no other choice

“I told you that,� she replied with a weak voice. “I told you that last week and you wouldn’t let me go.�

“I know,� I said, sadly watching tears fall from her bright brown eyes. “And I’m sorry for stringing you along for another seven days. But I thought it would work; I thought it was fixable. But change doesn’t come unless you want it to – unless we want it to.�

How many times have you broken my heart and I let you back in?

Maybe it’s time we both go our separate ways after all this time

She sat back as well and let her head fall to the headrest, harshly wiping her face from tears and sadness. “It’s hard to believe that this is it.�

“It is,� I agreed. “But who knows what the future holds, you know?�

“Yeah...�

“No matter what happens from here, please, just remember that I loved you; that I love you.�

“I know you do.�

“These next few months are gonna be Hell on Earth. Don’t let what you hear become a misconstruction of how I feel about you, okay?�

“I know how it works,� she assured me. “Just take your own advice,� she weakly grinned.

Nodding, I suddenly pulled her into a tight hug, as if I could squeeze out any extra love she had hiding inside for me. And I didn’t let go. Neither did she. I watched my warm, desperate tears drop to her elaborate pink shirt and I held on even tighter. “I’m always here for you,� I said. “If you need me, just call me.� I felt her knees slowly begin to quiver beside me, telling me that she was close to breaking, so I tried to pull away. “I should go.�

“No,� she protested. “Please, just hold me.�

I guess it was kind of poetic that our final moments as a couple were probably the most genuine that we’d ever had. Then again, maybe it was just hypocritical for us to sit there and play the anguished role when we’d just spent the better part of a year inexcusably hurting one another. Either way, holding her in my arms that night, I didn’t feel like too much or too little. It gave me an air of perfection one more time. And oddly enough, even when you know it has to end, that inevitable twinge of doubt always creeps up on you, leaving you to wonder if you’ve done the right thing. I guess time would obviously answer that question, but back then, I wasn’t so sure that it was all justified.


Lyrics:

“How Many Times� - Lalah Hathaway (Outrun the Sky)
“Right For Me� - Justin Timberlake (Justified)

4. You Want A Hug?

Well, Britney’s out, so that basically means one fuckin’ awesome thing: I’m free. And ain’t nothin’ better than freedom in the summertime – kinda goes hand in hand, don’t you think? And even more appropriate, my summer began a little early that year. The *NSYNC tour ended on April 28th and my ass was in Virginia Beach on May 8th. You best believe I wasn’t wastin’ any time moving on.

You see, the summer of 2002 was all about independence for me: I left Britney, I left *NSYNC; hell, I even left home, my comfort zone in Orlando, and moved to Los Angeles on a more permanent basis. With this newfound liberty, this album to focus my attention on, I had the opportunity to become a new man. So, that’s what I was tryin’ to do.

It was just my third day in the studio with Pharrell, so I was still a little nervous with the whole recording situation. Things were going well, but I still had butterflies and the nine whenever the car pulled up to the studio. I know that sounds a little lame, but it’s the truth, man. I was entering something completely new here. Sure, I’ve worked with Pharrell and Chad before, but in the past, there was always someone else. It was Chris and Lance, JC and Joey, or even Nelly – someone I could always play off of creatively. This shit was all me. And yeah, I was nervous.

“You all right?� Trace asked me, watching me stare at the car floor where my shoes were doing an involuntary shuffle. “Don’t tell me you’re still scared.�

“I’m not scared.� I silently directed my feet to stop moving and looked out of the window. “I’m nervous. A little.�

“You always say that when we get here in the morning. Then, by the time we’re in there for ten minutes, you’re fine.�

“What are you nervous about?� Silas, my A&R guy, injected. “This is you, isn’t it?�

“Yeah, man. I’m just tryin’ to get comfortable with everything,� I said for the millionth time in the past three days. “And that camera ain’t helpin’, man.�

“Well, you’re the one that agreed to the show,� Trace shot back.

“Whatever.�

But, lucky for me, here enters Devin Delfino. She’s just one on a list of many that y’all don’t know about yet, and she’ll eventually play the presumably most important role in the drama that is my love life, but for the moment, Dev is just a homegirl. I’ve known her since I was... thirteen? Yeah, I was thirteen and she was twelve.

Back in the day, when I was just a Millington brat, being dorky and annoying in every sense of the word, I used to attend this basketball summer camp at the University of Memphis, formerly known as Memphis State. Anyway, Devin went to dance camp on the same campus, so in an odd twist of fate, she was part of the carpool that got us to camp everyday that summer.

“I heard you got a surprise here waitin’ for you,� Trace commented, getting out of the car ahead of me.

“Like what?�

“Like someone you like a lot.�

“Janet Jackson is here?� I questioned hopefully.

“Not exactly,� he chuckled. “You’ll see, though.�

I’m sure you’d have thought me and Devin would’ve lost touch after just one summer of riding in a car together, but additionally, we were part of a group of youth members of the same church; plus, our parents were friendly acquaintances – it just all fell into place the way these things tend to do, I guess. The two of us weren’t like ace-koom-boom tight, but she was definitely a familiar face, I guess. On the rare occasion that I did come home after leaving for *NSYNC, and on the even rarer occasion that Devin and I got to actually hang out, we always managed to have a good ass time.

By 2002, Devin was an up and coming hip-hop dancer that you were bound to see every time you turned on a music video. But to me, she was just like another one of the guys. I mean, don’t get me wrong – the girl is fine. She was this beautiful mixture of Black and Italian with this endless curly black hair that she’d been keeping straight lately, legs like a damn racehorse – strong, thick dancer’s legs, and she epitomized the onion booty: so round and juicy that you’d wanna cry, man. The girl was blessed. But I’d known her since she was just a kid, and as a guy, it inevitably took me a while to realize just how much she’d grown up.

She’s bad, bad, badass
She’s bad, bad, badass

Anyway, that’s another chapter. On that Friday, I was just relieved to walk into The Neptunes’s studio and see her chillin’ on the couch like she belonged there. Seeing her bright smile and baby blue eyes lessened my fears significantly. I could relax with that extra bit of comfort. With Trace following me everywhere with a camera glued to his hand, it was hard for me to really be me. So Devin was a welcome reminder of home. As I later found out, home is what catches you when you fall – and we all fall.

“What the hell are you doing here?� I asked with a huge smile contradicting my sarcastic tone.

Grinning, she quickly stood from the couch where she’d been conversing with Pharrell before I walked in, interrupting. “What up, bitch!� We embraced with a hand/slap combination that turned to a hug, not unlike the way two dudes would usually greet, before she sat down on the couch’s armrest. “You look good,� she commented. “Hey, Trace.�

“What’s up,� he replied, appearing behind me with the camera.

“What you recording for?� she questioned, with an abnormally Northern tone taking over her usual Southern drawl.

“It’s for this show called Launch that’s gonna be on MTV when the album comes out,� I explained before asking again, “What are you doing here?�

“Me and my girl, Lainie, were up in New York for auditions when Pharrell told her you were in town, so we decided to drive down.�

“Yeah,� Pharrell jumped in, removing his black and white hat from his fresh haircut. “I’mma have Lainie sing background for this shit we got goin’ right now.�

“For ‘Senorita’?� I queried, hearing the bass of the song we’d worked on the entire previous day.

“Yeah.�

“That’s a hot ass song,� Devin commented, falling into the sofa seat.

I watched her white tank top lift at the small of her back to reveal a large black tattoo against her vanilla skin. “Whoa, where’d that come from?� I demanded, staring more at her ass than the tattoo.

“Where’d what come from?� she asked.

“That tat.�

“On my back?�

“Yeah.�

“Psh, I’ve had that since I was eighteen,� she scoffed, moving over so that I could sit down. “Where you been?�

“Don’t lie.�

“I ain’t lyin’.�

I sat down to examine her ink, even lowering her yellow nylon pants to see it all. “That has not been there for two years, Devin.�

“It’s been two years exactly, man. I got it the night I graduated.� She took off my white Sean John hat, placing it on her head and snapped the elastic on my green basketball shorts with a laugh. “Seriously.�

I looked at her flirtatiously and hopped up from the couch. “I’m gonna ask your mama.�

“Go ahead. Matter fact, you can call her now.�

“I will.�

“You know you’ve seen it before,� she teased, smiling. “You just wanted a reason to feel on my ass.�

Baby! Don’t fool wit’ me
If you don’t wanna give it up, don’t worry ‘bout it

Well, she was right about that. But I know I don’t remember seeing anything on her back before. “Whatever,� I grinned. “What does it mean, anyway?�

“3D? That’s my nickname out in LA.�

“Dancin’ Devin Delfino!� Pharrell proclaimed. He got up to stretch his arms and crack his back as the two of us tend to do when we’re about to get to work. “You ready, baby boy?�

“I am ready,� I assured him, taking my hat back from Devin. “You gon’ stick around for a minute?� I asked her.

“Until you kick me out.�

“I just might.�

“Hey, when you get in your zone, I’m gone, baby.�

Without anymore words, I disappeared further into the studio to do my thing. And while that may have seemed rude to some, I knew she wouldn’t care. She got it ‘cause she was the same. We knew how to fuck around and have fun, but we weren’t dedicated to anything more than we were our jobs. So yeah, I was definitely glad she was there. She was the type to always pop up when least expected, but amazingly, when she was most needed. It was cool.

I’ve been all around the Earth
Seen those girls that kiss me first
But you just stand there with this smirk
But don’t you worry ‘bout it

A few hours later, at a point somewhere close to a lunch hour, the fifteen some odd people that were scattered around the studio agreed that they were hungry, apropos my comment from the recording booth that I was “fucking starving.�

“What you want to eat?� Pharrell requested, pulling his cell phone from his jeans’ pocket.

“What’s around here?� I took off my headphones, replaced my hat, and headed into the room where Pharrell and the studio engineer, Drew, sat playing with the computer while Trace, Devin, and the newly acquainted Lainie were collected on the couch, messing with Trace’s camera. “Y’all want anything in particular?� I asked them.

Trace looked around the room before rising from the black leather sofa, rubbing his round stomach. “I want some ribs, man.�

“Yeah, looks like yours got lost in that gut,� Devin laughed loudly, patting his beer belly as well.

“Sorry we can’t all be perfect like you, Miss Delfino.�

“Aww, Trace," she giggled, "you are perfect.�

“So,� I jumped in, “I got a vote for ribs. Devin, what you want?�

“Barbeque is fine with me.�

“Yo, I’m tellin’ y’all right now,� Pharrell began, speaking loudly, “Virginia barbeque ain’t Memphis barbeque, so don’t be expectin’ no elaborate shit here.�

“Man, I’m too hungry to be picky,� I chuckled. “Is there somewhere around here?�

“It’s about twenty minutes up Childress, like kinda near the house,� he explained, referring to his beach house.

“I know where it is,� Lainie piped up. “If y’all give me your orders, I’ll go pick ‘em up.�

“And I’ll go with her,� Devin decided.

As usual, I was quick to take Devin’s lead. I don’t know what it was. She was just... a leader. “Well, I don’t know what they have, so I guess I gotta go, too.�

“Of course you do,� Trace interjected with a sardonic laugh. “Lainie, you could just tell them how to get there and Justin and Devin could go alone.�

I looked nervously at Devin, who was thankfully oblivious, and then frowned at Trace in a manner that let him know I thought he was being a dickhead. It’s not that I was opposed to spending time with Devin – I just didn’t want her to know that. “That’s not necessary,� I said politely to Lainie. “I’ll just tag along if you don’t mind.�

“Actually, if the two of y’all went,� Pharrell inserted, “Lainie could stay and we could work on these backgrounds so we can finish this shit after lunch.�

“Well, all right then,� Devin announced. “We’ll put the address in the GPS and get movin’. Justin, you get the orders and I’m gonna head to the restroom.�

As she disappeared from the dim room, I lightly shoved Trace into the adjacent wall, wishing I’d hit him hard enough for him and his stupid camera to go crashing through it. “You’re a dickhead,� I finally acknowledged.

“What?� he laughed. “What’d I do?�

“‘Of course you do,’� I mocked him. “What the fuck was that about?�

“You know you wanna be alone with her, man. I was just doin’ you a favor.�

“You’re not helpin’ anything.�

“You know you like her, so you can stop with the act.�

“I don’t like her.�

“Yeah, you do.�

“Man, whatever.� Yeah, I was diggin’ on her. I suppose. But I wouldn’t say that I liked her. Not that way anyway.

The (stupid) thing about me was that I’d become a master at concealing my feelings, convincing myself that I didn’t have certain feelings, or just completely detaching any feelings that I may have possibly had for anyone that I thought was out of my reach. With that said, by this point in the game, I was pretty sure that I’d detached any potential non-platonic sentiment I might have had for Devin because I was absolutely sure that nothing I would do or say could ever send a chick like that my way. So, I didn’t worry about it.

See, I know about those other girls
But I wanna learn from you

After orders were taken and directions were given, Devin and I hopped into she and Lainie’s rented Jeep Cherokee as if we were being followed by photographers, me on the passenger’s side while she took the driver’s seat. As she put on her seatbelt, she sighed and then smiled at me in a way that shouted relief. “Dude.�

“What?� I asked, smiling back.

“I’m tryin’ to be cool here, but do you know how long it’s been?�

“What’s been?�

“You and me. We haven’t been in a room alone together in years.�

“It hasn’t been years,� I countered. “Has it?�

“Hell yeah, man. You haven’t been available to chill since before you and Britney got together.�

“Yeah, well...�

“And what’s up with that anyway, ‘cause I got people left, right, up and down tryin’ to prod me for some info. And I feel lame as hell ‘cause I got nothin’.�

“It’s a long story,� I said sadly. “A long, boring story.�

Placing a dark pair of shades over her almond-shaped eyes, she pressed our start and stop points into the navigation system and turned back to me, “Well, we’ve got nothin’ but time.�

“Fuck that. I ain’t tellin’ you my biznass,� I joked, imitating Ludacris’s overpopular song. “It’s really not that interesting.�

“Okay,� she shrugged, backing out of the small, makeshift parking lot. “So, did you hear that Tony was moving out to Arizona?�

“Tony as in your Tony?� He was this dude that was also a part of that carpool I was talkin’ about. Devin went out with him three of her four high school years and suddenly, they broke up on somewhat bad terms that I’ve yet to get the details on. “What the fuck is in Arizona?�

“The fuckin’ desert, far as I know,� she laughed, turning to the GPS’s instructions. “Supposedly, some job with an art gallery or some shit.�

“How gay is that?�

“I know right. But for whatever reason, the bastard invited everyone in our damn high school class to his going away party. Everyone but me.�

“Damn.�

“I know!�

“So are you gonna get your brother to kick his ass? Get your dad to ‘call someone’?�

She just grinned and shook her head, focusing on where she was going. “You’re one of those bitches that think all Italians are part of the Mafia, huh? I told you that’s a Sicilian thing. My dad is from Northern Italy.�

“Nah, I just know how y’all get.�

“Man, Tony ain’t even worth it. Just another fuckin’ ex.�

“Just another fuckin’ ex,� I absently repeated.

“Yup.�

There’s a war goin’ on outside no man is safe from
And I’m not tryin’ to lose

Staring out of the window as the streets of Virginia Beach passed us by, I must say, I had to agree. Exes are just that. They’re the past, they’re old shit, yesterdays news. Why was I holding onto secrets and protecting Britney from her mistakes? I didn’t owe that to her. I owed it to myself to move the hell on and stop acting like she was some kind of saint. In the grand scheme of things, she was, in fact, just another fuckin’ ex. “I heard that.�

They say, ‘You have a cold heart, will you move?’

“You sound like you heard it a little too well, my man. You sure you don’t have somethin’ on your chest that you wanna get off?�

“Well. Maybe...�

So when it comes to a girl like you that moves me
What am I supposed to do but admit it

Now, I know I’ve already done shit that I wasn’t supposed to do. But mark your calendars, y’all, ‘cause May 9, 2002 was the beginning of the end. In a fucked up plot to play the victim card and to get on Devin’s pitied side, I began my descent into deception. I mean, I suspect I’d gotten a little bit of vindication when I stopped fuckin’ around with Beyonce and whatever random hoes I got my hands on. I rectified a few mistakes when I called it quits with me and Brit. But all that went down the drain that day when I explained to Devin what “really� went down; when I made an attempt to justify all the wrong I’d done by transposing it to the person I knew would never tell the real story... as long as I came out with mine first.

“The thing about Britney,� I was explaining to Devin as we rode back to the studio, a truckload of barbeque meals accompanying us, “is that she really is a good soul. I think, in the end, she just lost her way. She forgot how to be honest.�

“Because of the Wade thing?� Dev asked, following along with my story as best she could.

“That, and just the fact that she refused to be truthful about it. For weeks and weeks, I begged her to tell me the truth,� I lied by exaggeration. “It’s so damn draining to be in a relationship like that where you’re just desperate for some honesty; some damn faithfulness.�

“I can imagine.�

“I would’ve done anything for that damn girl.�

“And y’all went out for what? Three or four years, right?�

“Three years,� I nodded. “I fought my own battles with fidelity, my eyes wandered and all – you know how it goes...�

“Hell, after the first three months, that shit is only natural,� she agreed.

“I stayed faithful up until the very end, though. I don’t know why she couldn’t do it.�

“She couldn’t get past that moment.�

“I guess not,� I replied cheerlessly. “Wait, what moment?�

“You know. The moment. There’s always that moment of truth where you’re right there and you have to ask yourself whether you’re strong enough to resist temptation or if you’re weak enough to give in. Just before you cheat, there’s always that moment.�

“Are you speaking from experience?�

“Of course,� she scoffed. “We all have it. We all have that temptation. We’re all stupid enough to get to that point – it all just depends on what you decide to do with it that will determine your character.�

“So, what did you do with it?�

“Hey, I’ve never cheated on anyone,� she grinned goofily. “But I’m young. There’s plenty of time for me to become a bad person.�

“You think anyone that cheats is a bad person?�

“No, not at all. I think everyone deserves a second chance. But I think anyone that does it repeatedly and then claims to still love that person is weak. And frankly, they aren’t worthy of someone that is strong enough to keep their pants up.�

“I agree,� I answered quickly, nervous that she was basically describing me to a tee. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I told myself about Britney.�

“I think you’re right that she just lost herself along the way. ‘Cause she seems like the type – not that I know her – but she seemed like she had a pretty good head on her shoulders. Honestly, I would’ve called you out as the cheater before I thought she was.�

“What!� I incredulously asked. “Why?�

“Just ‘cause you’re a man,� she responded honestly. “And ‘cause you’re the kinda celebrity that would think he’s cool enough to get away with it.�

“You think so?�

“You know you got that cocky swagger, man. It all falls into place.�

“Damn, I dunno whether to take that as a compliment or an insult.�

She laughed loudly, turning back into the Neptunes’s studio complex as I held on tightly to the plastic bag that contained my food. “Only you would consider a word like ‘cocky’ as a compliment.�

“Well, hey, I’m special.�

“You damn sure are.� Reclaiming the two parking spaces that the blue SUV had consumed before we left, she turned off the car and turned to me, lifting her sunglasses. “You want a hug, man?�

“What?�

“Your story got me thinkin’ that you could probably use a hug.� She reached across the console and let her muscular manila arms stretch to lock around my neck, squeezing it snugly. “I feel bad for you.�

“No, I’m okay. I’ve had time to get over it.�

“I don’t feel bad for you because Britney ‘cheated’,� she laughed, using air quotes. “I feel bad for you because you’re full of shit.� Playfully, she pushed my head into the window with her forefingers and grabbed a cigarette from her purse.

“What did I do?�

“You know what you did.� She smiled, coolly lighting her cancer stick. “It’s cool, though. You’re so damn cute that we all wanna believe you anyway.�

“What?�

“You should use that gimmick to sell your album, dude.�

You’re, you’re a badass

“Devin, what are you talkin’ about?�

She only shook her head and smiled, blowing puffs of smoke through her open window. “Justin, it’s okay. A good fight is never clean. You’d be completely justified.�

She’s bad, bad badass

I heard it here first.

But fuck it, don’t worry ‘bout it


Lyrics:
“Don’t Worry About It� - NERD (Fly or Die)

5. Summer Girls Come And Summer Girls Go

Much like any typical day in the studio, the usual group of me, Pharrell, Chad, Drew and Trace, as well as extraneous hangons, were sitting around laughing instead of working, while the music for ‘Let’s Take A Ride’ played on and off in the background as we procrastinated our way through the day.

“Lemme tell you what I gotta do,� Pharrell announced. “Y’all wanna hear this?�

“What?� I asked blankly, stretching the muscles in my face.

“I agreed to take a fan to the prom.�

“Tonight?� Trace asked.

The photographer that had been in the studio for the past hour, whose name I’d yet to catch, added, “So you’re going to the prom tonight?�

“Yeah,� Pharrell answered. “So from 9:00 to 10:30 – I’ll be back at 10:30,� he told me.

As I laughed at the ridiculous notion, Trace proceeded to ask, “Hey, can we go?�

“Huh?�

“Can we go?�

“Yeah,� he said nonchalantly.

“Hey, let’s go,� Trace said to me. “Let’s go. We’ll take the camera. That shit’ll be funny.�

“Cause if you go, I won’t dress up,� Pharrell explained. “And that’ll be easier on me.�

I sat back in my chair and looked at all of them like they were out of their damn minds. The prom? I was fuckin’ 21 years old. What I look like? “I want you to put a damn suit on,� I finally replied.

“Yeah,� Chad added, “you should put on a tux.�

“I got a tux,� Pharrell nodded.

“You should go in a navy blue tux,� I smiled, scratching my head underneath my hat.

“I got a t– What am I? A Crip?� he joked. “I got a black tux.�

“Make him dress like Bentley,� Trace inserted as we laughed at Pharrell.

“No, you wanna go?� Pharrell persisted. “‘Cause here’s what I told Trace – I wanna stay here tonight kinda late.�

“Okay,� I agreed. “Me, too.�

“And tomorrow, we’ll start at 2:00 and we can end, like, at a reasonable hour.�

“And he said we’ll throw a party,� Trace animatedly interjected, yet again.

“And I’ll get somebody on the radio,� he began to explain, “tell ‘em all day today, ‘Listen, come to the beach house tomorrow. The Neptunes and Justin is havin’ a party.’ We’ll have our own party. That way, we ain’t gotta keep goin’ out. We’ll have one good night.�

“Right,� I nodded in comprehension.

“You feel that?�

“Definitely.�

I guess we’re havin’ a party then.

Summer, summer, summertime
Time to sit back and unwind

Later that night, while Pharrell, Chad and Trace were at... the prom, Drew and I got to work on several vocals for ‘Let’s Take A Ride’ while Devin came in to do what she does best and talk our ears off in the process.

I sat with Drew at the audio console, directing him to and from specific sound waves here and there as Devin patiently sat behind us on the black leather sofa, playing with her cell phone. “So, what’s this party for?� she asked to whichever one of us was listening.

“What party?� I smiled.

“Don’t fuck with me. Trace told me about the party at Pharrell’s tomorrow.�

“Damn. I wasn’t plannin’ on inviting you.�

“Well, shit, there ain’t a party without me, bitch.�

Yeah, she was kind of right about that. “Whatever.�

“Yeah, whatever.� She sighed and stretched her long legs across the length of the couch. “So, you gon’ bring me with you, or do I have to make my own fabulous appearance?�

“I’m sure you’d much rather make a Delfino entrance,� I rolled my eyes, “but I’ll call you when we’re about to leave the hotel and you can make your own decision.�

“If you call me when you’re leavin’, how am I supposed to go with you?�

“Because you’re gonna hop your happy ass on an elevator, come downstairs and meet me in the lobby?�

“Justin, I’m not staying at your hotel.�

“You’re kidding.� I rolled my chair across the dim room so that I was sitting directly in front of her. “I see you all the time.�

“Are you crazy? I can’t afford a suite at Turtle Cay.�

“So, where are you staying?� I queried.

“I’ve been staying with Lainie.�

“Dude, I would’ve sworn you were staying downstairs or somethin’.�

“What part of ‘I can’t afford it’ do you not understand?� she asked, playfully shoving me with her big, bare foot.

“Girl, don’t be touchin’ me with them ugly feet.�

“Bitch! My feet are not ugly!� she laughed. I let her kick me one more time before grabbing her big toe to pull her off the couch. “Justin!�

I looked down at her, all crumpled between the sofa and the floor and smiled in satisfaction. “Who’s the bitch now?�

Using her dancer flexibility to hop up, she swiftly shoved me out of my rolling chair so that I went crashing to the softly tiled floor. “You still are,� she smiled, taking a forceful seat on top of my stomach so that I couldn’t move.

“Devin, I can’t breathe,� I lied.

“Say what?�

“I can’t breathe!�

“Oh, but you can talk?�

“I’m running out of air. Please,� I beseeched.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe if you shut up it wouldn’t be so bad.�

I continued to gasp for air as she repositioned herself to straddle my waist, which certainly wasn’t about to help the situation. If she wasn’t careful, with the way things were goin’, she was gonna be the one out of breath when I put it on her ass.

“You are so dramatic,� she pointed out, smiling down at me with twinkling blue eyes. “I don’t know how you get any women with that kind of stamina.�

“You were sitting on my damn lungs,� I argued. “You ain’t exactly what I’d call light, mama.�

She grabbed my wrists so that they were thrown against the cool floor, completely restricted from movement, and she leaned over so that her slim face was directly cast over mine. “Justin Timberlake, are you callin’ me fat?�

“Do I look stupid to you?�

“Usually.�

“I’m calling you not skinny... But that’s dope,� I quickly added. “I like a woman with some meat on her bones.�

Her lips brushed against my nose when she returned to her normal sitting position and said, “I’ll have to remember that.�

When her enticing, broad hips slowly moved over my groin, I got that overfamiliar tingle that told me this was gonna be a long night if she didn’t get off of me soon. “Yo, Dev–“

“Whoa, Justin,� she chuckled, “I hope that’s your cell phone.�

She followed my gaze to where Drew was sitting at the computer, my cell adjacent to him. “Yo, Drew, could you excuse us?� I asked.

“Yeah, I’m gonna go pick up some dinner,� he said, quickly shooting up from his chair. “Y’all want anything?�

“Where are you gonna go?� Devin asked.

“I was just gonna run up to Sonic,� he shrugged.

“Oh! Can you get me a burger and one of those Oreo Blast things?� She pulled her purse from the couch before throwing it back. “Justin, give him some money.�

“You wanna eat. You give him some money.�

Evilly, she began to discreetly gyrate over me in only a way that her hips could move. “Give him some money,� she repeated.

“Okay, okay,� I relented quickly. “Okay. But I have to get my wallet from my back pocket.�

I tried to sit up, but she laid me back down with just one finger. “I’ll get it.� She slowly and seductively slid her fingers beneath me so that they inched down my ass and made me even more uncomfortable. See, this was why I didn’t fuck with her. I got myself into shit like this. “Here,� she said, finally handing me the wallet that I didn’t even feel leave my jeans pocket. “Give him a twenty.�

“Yes, ma’am,� I answered, rolling my eyes and handing Drew a ten dollar bill.

“You want anything?� he asked me.

“I’m good. Just feed this cow so she’ll get off me.�

I risked a kick to the nuts with that one, but luckily, she only socked me in the stomach. “You just want me to kick your ass, don’t you?�

“You do it anyway,� I shot back.

Finally, she hopped her thick ass off of me and sat back on the couch. “Drew, you want me to go with you?�

“No, that’s quite alright,� he quipped. “Y’all stay here and have fun.�

While I regained all sense of feeling in my body, she scoffed dramatically and kicked me again. “We’ll just stay here.�

“Okay now,� I warned her, “that’s how we got down here in the first place.�

“I hope y’all know that Chad doesn’t like when people have sex in here,� Drew said to us, walking through the studio doors. “I’ll be back.�

Devin wiggled her fat toes over my face and called back, “Thanks, Drew.�

“I’m only gonna tell you once to get your feet out of my face,� I told her solemnly.

“What you gonna do?�

“Devin, get your feet out of my face.�

“Oohh, that was twice,� she chided. Slowly, she retracted her foot from my line of view and smirked down at me like she’d just won something. “You’re such a punk.�

In one agile motion, I shot up from the floor and took a seat right on top of her, making sure that she was suffering from all of my weight on top of her. “What was that?�

“You really wanna play that game?� she asked loudly. “‘Cause I like it rough.�

I couldn’t even help but laugh at her. She was such a loveable bitch. “Nah, I think I’m gonna just chill here for a minute.�

“Oh, is that all you’re gonna do?� She started to playfully, but amazingly forcefully poke me in the back with her long, slender fingers. “You’re kinda heavy, man.�

“That’s the point,� I responded, flinching from her wandering hands. “Stop!�

“Get off of me, then!�

“You stop first.�

“Justin, my knees are going numb,� she whined.

“Stop pokin’ me and I’ll get up.� When her fingers stopped harshly connecting with my skin, I grabbed her arms from either side of me and held them captive by massive grip on her wrists. “Or not.�

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?� she complained.

“Do you see anyone here for me to work with?�

She sighed heavily, finally deciding to stop fighting against me and let her arms go limp in my grasp. “I’mma start bitin’ you in a minute.�

“See, now my mama taught me never to hit a girl, but if you bite me, I’m gonna have to clock your ass.�

Suddenly, I felt the warm wetness of her tongue against my neck and I swear, the most nervously excited chill went crashing down my spine. I swallowed hard and asked, “What the hell are you doing?�

“What?�

“Why are you licking me?�

“Why are you sitting on me?�

Every time I thought I had her cornered, she threw me for another loop. “Okay, you win.� I let go of her arms and began to rise from the couch, but she locked her lengthy legs around my waist, her arms around my neck, and forced me to stay right there while she kissed the side of my face. “Dude.� I didn’t know whether she was the crazy one or if it was me that’d lost it.

“What? I can’t kiss you?� she questioned softly.

“No – I mean... yeah,� I nervously answered. “I just don’t think I understand... why.�

“‘Cause I fuckin’ want to. Is that a damn crime?�

“No, Devin.�

“You know what.� She released her death grip on my neck, let her legs fall back to the couch and started to push against my back. “Get off of me.�

I stood up and turned around to look at her with misunderstanding. “What? What’d I do?�

“You suck,� she simpered. “You don’t know how to go with the flow and just let shit happen. You gotta ask questions and be in control.�

“Well, I’m sorry if I’m confused when someone that’s never shown any interest in me whatsoever suddenly decides to start licking my neck.�

“I still have no interest in you. I was just fuckin’ around.�

I plopped down beside her, resting my head against the soft leather and stared at her from the corner of my eye. “Well, if you really wanna fuck around, I got an extra bedroom in my suite that you can have.�

“Oh, really?� she replied, carefreeness in her voice as she turned her head to face me. “How convenient.�

“All I’m sayin’ is it’s there if you want it.� I watched in confusion as she suddenly burst into contagiously hysterical laughter. “What are you laughin’ at?� I smiled.

“You,� she cackled. “You are funny as hell.�

“What did I do?�

“Oh, God. You are too much, man. First you give me that lame ass ‘Britney broke my heart’ bit, and now, you’re tryin’ to fuck me sideways with this sorry excuse for an invitation. You are funny!� she continued to chuckle. “Oh, man. We’re gonna have to find you some game, boy.�

“I dunno what you’re talkin’ about.� Frustrated, I crossed my arms and stared into the oblivion of the studio.

“You’re Justin Timberlake, dude. You must have somethin’ better than that.�

“Devin, I’m not tryin’ to throw you any kind of game. I was just offering you somewhere to stay.�

“Then shit, get me my own suite. I don’t wanna stay with you and all your extraneous hoes.�

“I don’t have any hoes,� I countered, feigning outrage.

“Oh yeah, not with game like that,� she realized. “You were doin’ better with the Britney story.�

“Man, I told you that wasn’t a damn story. She cheated on me.�

“And you truly expect me to believe that you just sat back and let that happen? Try again, honey.�

“I hate you,� I stated matter-of-factly, smiling widely.

And I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer

“I love you, too, motherfucker.� She got up from the couch, pulling up her white A&F pants in the process, and took a Twizzler from the large jar waiting on one of the many desks in the room. “So, you gonna get me a room at Turtle Cay or what?�

“I ain’t gettin’ you shit. You can take the room in my suite or you can stay where you are.�

I like girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch
I’d take her if I had one wish

“Why you bein’ cheap? I bet Trace got his own suite.�

“You haven’t been my best friend for twenty-one years.�

“I’ve been your church buddy for eight years. That should count for somethin’.�

“Yeah, it counts for the bedroom in my suite.�

“Your stupid trainer, Jayson, gets his own damn room.�

“If you’re just gonna complain, then stay with Lainie,� I instructed.

“Justin,� she whimpered.

“Devin,� I mocked her.

“If I stay in your room, it’s gonna be in the New York Post tomorrow that I’m your new whore or somethin’.�

“Who’s gonna know?�

“I dunno,� she said, chewing on another piece of licorice. “You always have those paparazzi people following you.�

“Girl, there are no paparazzi in Virginia Beach.�

She looked around the dim room and then rolled her blue eyes emphatically, making sure that I knew she wasn’t happy with this. “Dude, if you bring some ho into that room while I’m there, I swear I’ll embarrass you.�

“Devin, I have no doubt in my mind that you would.�

“Okay. Well, in that case... I’ll be movin’ in tomorrow morning.�

“Cool.�

“Yeah, then maybe we can get to work on your game. ‘Cause you’re gonna have a long, dry summer with those weak storylines.�

“I’ll have you know that my shit is perfectly in tact.�

“Justin, how many people can you get with that ‘I’m a regular dude’ ploy?�

“I am a regular dude.�

“Yeah, with–.�

“Hey,� I interrupted, “I got you stayin’ in my room, don’t I?�

“Oh boy, you got a broke ass dancer to stay in the bedroom across from you for three days. You’re really pullin’ ‘em in, man.�

“We’ll see,� I stated simply.

“When you have me in a bed – actually, when you have me anywhere naked, then we can talk.�

“Like I said. We’ll see.�

Summer girls come and summer girls go
Some are worthwhile and some are so-so

The next night, Trace, Devin and I arrived at Pharrell’s beach house, as planned, somewhere close to 11:00PM, give or take half an hour, greeted by a house and pool full of strangers. I wasn’t sure what happened, but somewhere between the time that I agreed to the party and the next night, my insatiable urge to party had somehow been met when Devin moved into my suite that morning. What the hell would I go out for when I had the cream of the crop in the same damn room with me?

But, as my luck would have it, I did agree to being a co-host for the shindig, so I had to show up. That didn’t mean I had to party. After I talked to an inebriated Pharrell for a total of three minutes, I headed outside to the pool where Mr. Williams – that would be Pharrell’s dad – was burnin’ hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. Trace and Devin were perched at the edge of the pool with their feet dipped in the water, slugging beer and talking to people I’d never seen before in my life.

Rudely interrupting his conversation, I lightly tapped Trace’s back with my foot. “What’s up.�

He looked up at me with lack of expression. “What’s up, man?�

“What you doin’?�

“I’m talkin’,� he stated in an obvious tone. “Are you all right?�

“Yeah.�

“Why don’t you sit down?� Devin inserted. “You want me to get you somethin’ to drink?�

I waited for my presence to intimidate the two strangers away and replaced the seat that they left open. “Nah, I’m good.�

“Justin, you look like somebody just shot your dog,� she acknowledged. “You want a Corona? Coors Light?�

“I don’t want no damn Coors Light. That’s Trace’s shit.�

“Well, tell me what you want, dude. I’m here to serve you.�

Now that’s something I could’ve gotten used to. “Seriously?�

She must’ve seen the devilish glare in my eye because she aptly added, “Don’t be gettin’ used to this. I’m only being extra nice because you look like shit.�

“Oh, well thank you,� I said flatly. “A Corona is fine.�

“Good, then you can tell me what’s wrong,� she hopped up. “Trace, don’t let him slip into the pool and drown.�

“I got him,� he laughed, taking another swig of his nasty brew.

I watched intently as Devin rose from the concrete siding of the pool, her bikini clad curves glistening from the light of the moon, and escaped to the inside of the beachside mansion. Little did I know, sitting behind Devin all along was the next woman on my roster of conquests. Much like me and Trace, she was at the side of the pool, her feet dangling in the water, sipping a drink and engaged in presumably mindless conversation.

This woman, whoever she might’ve been, wasn’t especially gorgeous or anything like that, but there was definitely somethin’ about her that I could get with. She had a typically round face, average height, from what I could see, and not a particularly stunning build. And then, there were the uniquely defining features, like her delectably chocolate skin and short haircut that gave her an air of playful sophistication. She came off as kind of reserved and, I guess you could call it conventional.

I think that was something I was missing in my life, though. Devin – she was a showstopper, the life of the (sometimes nonexistent) party, all eyes on her kind of person. And then Britney and Beyonce were the superstars with media glitz behind their names and faces. Maybe this woman sitting a mere few feet from me was the touch of normalcy that I needed in my very unconventional lifestyle. Plus, she looked like she could use a little pep to her step – or, more accurately, a little pop.

“Here.� My thoughts were interrupted by Devin towering over me with a beer bottle extended from her left hand. “I had to hit some bitch to get the last two limes for you.�

“You’re wonderful,� I told her, obliviously.

She sat down again, blocking my view from my stranger. “And don’t you forget it.�

“Would you really ever let me?�

“Well, no,� she laughed.

“Yo, Delfino!� someone called from the balcony above us. We both looked up to see Pharrell staring down at us underneath a Pac-Man trucker hat. “Come here!�

“What is it?� she shouted back over the mellow music.

“I want you to meet somebody!�

“Who is it!�

“Come here,� he repeated.

“I’m sorry, man. I’ll be back,� she assured me, getting up once again.

“Take your time.� I had other things to tend to. Coolly, I inched my way down the edge of the pool so that the feet between me and the stranger turned to inches, and I was sitting beside her, admiring the peach beads around her neck. “Excuse me,� I ventured to disrupt her concentrated stare into the light blue water, “but are you wearing a Shiva necklace?�

She looked at me with surprise laden in her light brown stare. “Yeah. How did you know?�

I smiled at her perceptible Virginia accent, which seemed to be an odd mixture of North and South, and lowered my white T-shirt to show her the light blue and black necklaces that adorned my neck. “I’m a fan.�

“Oh, my God. Those are gorgeous.�

“Thanks,� I grinned. “I couldn’t help but notice yours because not many people know what they are.�

“Hey, I need all the protection I can get in this crazy world,� she smiled, beautifully. “Lord Shiva, be with me,� she laughed.

“I’m Justin, by the way.� I offered her my hand while admiring her infectious smile. “I hope you don’t mind me just rollin’ up on you like this.�

Out of all the guys that approach me
Walkin’ up to me like they know me

“No, not at all. At least you had something to say,� she chuckled. “I’m Summer.�

You were the one that stayed aside
Waited a while and took your time

“What a gorgeous name.�

“Thank you.�

Feeling more comfortable already, I moved in closer to her, realizing that she wasn’t so average after all. “So, are you having as much fun at this party as I am?�

“Well, considering who you are and the fact that you’re sitting here talking to me, I think it’s a fair guess that you aren’t having as much fun as you’re letting on.�

“Oh, you’re an observant one,� I chuckled. “I dunno, it’s not so bad now.�

“That’s good to hear.�

“So, do you know any of the people here or did you get dragged into this, too?�

“Isn’t this your party?� she asked with a laugh.

“I don’t know,� I rolled my eyes. “That’s what they tell me.�

“I see,� she nodded. “Well, yes, I go to school with a bunch of these fools, actually.�

“Oh, really?�

“Yeah, we’re all Virginia Techies.�

“Isn’t that like five hours from here?�

“Yes, but we just got out for the summer. Everybody’s using this party as the ‘I made it through another year, thank God’ bash.�

I laughed loudly and finally took a sip from my beer. “I heard that.�

“Yeah...�

“So, what are you in school for?�

“‘Cause I didn’t know what else to do when I graduated high school,� she said honestly. “But um, I’m an art major.�

“Seriously? Like, what kind of art?�

“Visual. Just this morning, I turned in a twenty-pager for my art history class, so forgive me if I seem a little frazzled. I haven’t slept for more than three hours in about two weeks.�

“I know what you mean. I always tell my friends back home, if they think finals week is hard, just try to make it through that week I have to go through before a tour starts,� I smiled, then reconsidered. “Actually, just try to make it a week on tour.�

“Oh, Lord. I don’t even wanna know what you guys have to go through.�

“It’s crazy,� I assured her. “But, okay. So art, huh? What do you wanna do with that?�

You don’t know how impressing
Your curiosity was to me

“Man, I don’t know. I just love the expression inside of it. It’s very cathartic.�

Suddenly, the party’s music didn’t seem so annoyingly bombastic to me. I felt relaxed. The people didn’t seem to be crowding me anymore. Everything was just cool. I was cool. And in the end, that was really all I wanted out of the night. I looked up to Pharrell’s balcony where Devin had yet to come back down from and then stared back at Summer. “Listen, you wanna go for a walk down on the beach or somethin’?�

“Really?� she beamed. “Umm. Yeah. I’d like that.�

Looked in my eyes and saw that I
I wanted more than just a man, I needed a friend
Someone I could talk to, someone who’ll really listen

Two hours later, Summer and I were still walking along Pharrell’s private sector of Virginia Beach, trampling through the cool, wet sand between our toes, under the 3:00AM moonlight, discussing the beautifully disastrous state that our lives were in. I told her about my trouble with Britney – the public version, that is. ‘Cause hey, self-promotion starts somewhere.

Conversely, Summer embarked on the trust wave with me and divulged details about her past relationships that were all tainted by the negativity her father instilled in her life by never being around. I wasn’t exactly up for a sob story that night, but I listened anyway. She was too sweet not to listen to.

“He wasn’t like abusive or anything, was he?� I asked cautiously.

“No, not physically. But the scars of constant abandonment never leave you either,� she explained. “I can never get too close to anyone ‘cause I’m so terrified that I’ll get attached and then they’ll leave me hangin’, you know?�

“Yeah.�

“I dunno.� She carefully tip-toed through the sand as the warm water crashed against our feet, putting smiles on both of our faces. “I’m still waiting for that guy that I can just give into – mind, body and soul. Shoot, I’m tired of bein’ a virgin,� she chuckled.

For a second there, it felt like time stopped and somebody had thrown water on me; like I was just waking up from passing out or some shit. Suddenly, Summer seemed like a waste of a two hour walk. “You’re kidding.�

“Nope. Twenty-one years celibate,� she laughed nervously. “I mean, I’m not some religious freak. I just haven’t found the guy that was worth it.�

Well, at least I knew I was still in the running. I could go back to a normal breathing pattern. “I see.�

“Yeah, I’m not like a prude or anything. Just... cautious.�

“That’s... commendable,� I struggled with my words, nodding.

But then, I thought about it, and I realized it was pretty damn cool. How often is it that you find a woman that’s completely pure? Untouched? That’s one luxury you won’t ever find in show business. And hey, I could be that guy.

At that point, I let my romantic side take over and I innocently intertwined my fingers with hers and stared down at her with encouragement in my eyes. “Actually, that’s awesome.�

When you touched my hand, the sun got brighter then
Trusting you, I closed my eyes and felt our love begin

Lyrics:
“Summertime� - Will Smith & DJ Jazzy Jeff (Homebase)
“Summer Girls� - LFO (LFO)
“Summertime� - Beyonce (The Fighting Temptations Soundtrack)

6. No Strings Attached

“Devin, what you do with my shoes!� I yelled across the suite from my bathroom.

“I didn’t do nothin’ with your shit!� she shot back loudly.

I left my side of the room to enter her half of the suite where she was spread out across her king-sized bed as if she were queen of the damn thing. “I saw you wearing them when you went over to see Trace. And you know those shoes don’t fit you, so why don’t you wear your own shit?�

“‘Cause they were by the door. Sorry,� she rolled her eyes.

“Well, where are they?�

She shrugged nonchalantly and went back to reading her issue of Cosmopolitan. “I’m not sure.�

“Devin, I need my shoes.�

“For what?�

“I’m goin’ out, and I can’t do that without shoes.�

“You have like ninety pairs of shoes. Why do you need those old ass Jordans on your feet?�

“‘Cause that’s what I wanna wear,� I quipped. “Where are they?�

“Where are you going?�

“Out.�

“Where?� she repeated.

“Does it matter?�

She stopped flipping through her magazine and stared at me with a tilted head. “You goin’ out with lil’ Miss Summer McKinney again?�

“Yes. We’re goin’ to lunch and driving up to DC to some museum thing.�

“Wow, you’re really workin’ hard to get in those pants, huh?�

“Uh oh,� I smiled, plopping down onto the bed, “you’re not jealous, are you?�

“What in that sentence told you that I was jealous?�

I positioned myself comfortably against her thigh while she held the magazine’s orange cover with Jennifer Lopez over my face, ignoring me. “I can hear it in your voice.�

“Ha,� she scoffed. “No, baby, I hope y’all are having a great time together.�

“Well–.�

“I mean, so what if you’ve been out with her eight times in seven days and you only talk to me when you come home after your date is over and I’m halfway knocked out in bed.�

“Yeah–“

“And who cares if she’s a sophisticated senior in college that you just love talking to so damn much. So she’s a virgin, untainted by all the evil dick in the world. Now, why would I be jealous of that?�

A bit stupefied by her inadvertent admission, I knocked the magazine from her hands and stared up at her. “Dev, are you for real?�

“I just said I wasn’t jealous. What are you buggin’ about?�

“Yes, you are,� I smiled, nestling my head into her stomach. “You like me, don’t you?�

“Whatever. Get off of me,� she chuckled. “Have fun with Summer.�

I sat up and stared into her icy blue eyes. “Do you not like her or somethin’?�

“No,� she quickly defended, “I think she’s great. The virgin from Virginia – how poetic. Just don’t ruin her, okay?�

“What do you mean by that?�

“You know how you are, man. You’ll like her for a week, you’ll quickly get bored but fuck with her anyway; you’ll fuck her and then you’ll fuckin’ leave her.�

“You act like you’re speakin’ from experience or some shit,� I commented. “What makes you think you know that?�

“Tell me it’s not true.�

“Maybe it has the potential to be true. But she’s not like that. Like I told you before, I do love talking to her. I do have a good time with her. And hey, if I were that much of a prick, I wouldn’t waste my summer waiting for a virgin to come around, would I?�

“Dude, you’ve hung out with her for a week. That hardly counts as your entire summer.�

“But I’m willing,� I countered.

“I’d like to see you actually do it.�

I watched her get up from the bed to search through her suitcase, pulling out a light blue tank top in exchange for the oversized t-shirt that she was already wearing. Without warning, she pulled off the white tee to boldly reveal a naked top half of her body, leaving me gawking at the D cups that matched her initials.

“Whoa, mama. What are you doing?� I asked incredulously.

“What? You never seen tits before?�

“Not yours!�

“Get over it,� she simply answered, pulling the new shirt over herself. “So, when are you leaving?�

“In about fifteen minutes. Are you going somewhere?�

“Yeah, I’m goin’ to Pharrell’s to hang out.�

“Dude, what’s up with you and him, anyway? ‘Cause I didn’t even know y’all knew each other.�

“Nothin’,� she replied nonchalantly. “And yeah, I met him on the Jay-Z set a while back.�

“What Jay-Z set?�

“His video for ‘Hustler’.�

“What were you doing there?�

“What do you think? I was an extra,� she said, stomping into her light blue Prestos. “I’m gonna get outta here, but y’all have fun. And call me if you’re not coming back tonight.�

“Why wouldn’t I be back?�

“Because it’s the seventh day. It’s time for you to put it down, isn’t it?� she laughed.

“You know what? You are not funny.�

“Please. I’m hilarious.�

“And I dunno what you’re talkin’ about. I like her and I ain’t goin’ anywhere.�

“Well, it’s just my humble opinion, but I think you’ll get tired of her sooner than later.� She grabbed her cell phone from the edge of the bed and her lighter from the nighstand with a wink. “And you know I’m always right.�

No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart

No long thereafter, I was sitting in a big, black Yukon, Eric in the passenger seat in front of me and my friend, Don, as the driver; and we were waiting outside Summer’s humble abode that sat in a quiet neighborhood of Norfolk, VA. “Hey, we’re outside,� I said into my cell phone.

As she replied, informing that she was at the door, she did, in fact, appear in her doorway, wearing a smile to match her peach pant set. She strolled to the car, seeming to take in the Sunday afternoon as she walked. “Hi!� she grinned when she opened the car door to see me smiling back at her.

“How are you today?�

“I’m good.�

“You look awesome.�

“Well, thank you,� she sighed. “Hey, Eric. Don.�

They politely nodded in acknowledgment while I helped her into her seatbelt. “So, where are we off to?�

“Well, I know how much you love Michael Jordan, so I thought we could go to his restaurant up in Washington. And then, have you ever been to the Corcoran Gallery of Art?�

“Not recently, no.�

“We’ll do that then.�

“Sounds perfect,� I said honestly. Yeah, it was a little drab, but at that point, I was so enthralled with her, I would’ve found anything intriguing about where we were and what we were doing.

“Really?�

As she leaned comfortably into my side, I rested my arm over her shoulder and pulled her even closer to me, staring at the top of her short, black hair. “Anything for my favorite girl.�

I wonder if I take you home, would you still be in love baby?

Big shocker here – Devin was right. I did get a little bored with the Summer thing. I left Virginia shortly after our whimsical week together because, after all, I did have an album to finish in the midst of all this. So, by the time I got to Los Angeles, doing all my recording with Brian and Tim, I was quickly realizing that maybe the showstoppers and the media-hyped up celebrities were actually what I wanted. Sure, Summer was cute – adorable, even – but is it ever really enough? I took a minute to stop lying to myself, and I found that she just didn’t have all the superficial things that really mattered to me.

It had been about two weeks, but I did keep in touch with Summer, because she truly was an incredibly sweet girl. And as Mary Poppins says, a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. Plus, I was too much of a punk to tell her that I was done with her, so to speak.

I guess now’s as good a time as any to introduce Alyssa. Yes, Alyssa Milano – perhaps more popularly known as ‘Samantha’ from Who’s The Boss? before I gave her a bigger name. But I met her at a Los Angeles party or two and we hit it off to the point where I said I’d give her a call when I was back in town.

Yeah, I’m just as surprised as you are that I actually kept that promise. But come on – it was Sam. Who didn’t grow up thinking she was hot? That, and I needed a break in the monotony of Summer calling me every damn day. So, yeah, one late Tuesday morning/early afternoon, I invited Alyssa to brunch at The Griddle Café.

“So, are you going back to Memphis for the big fight?� she asked animatedly, digging into a stack of peanut butter and banana pancakes. “I can only imagine you are.�

“Of course,� I grinned, “of course. I got my tickets, I got my hotel room. I’m ready.�

“I thought you were from there? Why the hotel?�

“Well, my home is a nice little drive from downtown Memphis. Plus, I got a bunch of friends coming in from out of town and I don’t wanna leave them all in the middle of Memphis while I’m hanging out with my family, you know?�

“What a gracious host you are, then.�

“Hey, I try.�

“I didn’t get an invitation,� she stated coyly, letting her youthful, brown eyes smile at me.

“I wasn’t aware that you liked boxing.�

“Well, you never asked.�

Yeah, probably because I’d only spoken to her a total of maybe two hours since I’d met her. “Well, I apologize.�

“It’s okay. I don’t like boxing,� she laughed.

“Then that would explain it,� I chuckled back. “If you want, you can come hang out with me in Orlando next month – I have this charity weekend that I’m doing an–.�

“I’d love to,� she interrupted.

“Cool,� I smiled nervously. You see, that should’ve been my warning sign. I should’ve known right then and there that something was wrong with her, because, I mean... who does that? This is our first true conversation and she’s already agreed to a trip she knows nothing about. Why didn’t I notice it back then? Probably because my cell phone rang. Perturbed, I looked down at my Motorola and requested, “I’m sorry, could you excuse me for just a minute?�

“Sure.�

“Hello?� I answered, already knowing that it was Devin calling.

“I’m Jenna Dewan now?� she yelled into my ear, forcing me to flinch at her high volume. “What the fuck, dude!�

“What are you talking about?�

“It’s all up in Us Weekly, just like I told you it would be. Except they got my damn name wrong! I’ll have you know that I take offense to that because I look ten times better than that ho, at least.�

“Devin, how about you slow down. And then tell me what the hell you’re talking about.� I looked at Alyssa with apology in my eyes, knowing that it was beyond rude to be talking on my phone with her sitting there. But I ain’t gonna lie – sometimes, I’m just a rude motherfucker.

“According to them, you’ve been hanging out with Jenna Dewan.�

“Who the hell is that?�

“She’s a dancer, you fool.�

“Okay,� I went on, “and what does this have to do with you?�

“Have you been hanging out with Jenna Dewan?�

“Not that I know of.�

“And what dancer have you been hanging out with?�

“Umm. You?�

“Exactly! They think I’m her!� she yelled again.

“Okay, but could you just not yell?� I begged, biting my lip.

“Sorry. So, what are you gonna do about this, Justin?�

“Nothing?�

“Why not!�

“Dev, you’re yellin’ again.�

“Well, you have to do something.�

“What am I supposed to do, sweetheart?�

“Don’t call me that. I’m not your child,� she sternly instructed. “And you’re supposed to... do... something.�

“Girl, get off my phone.�

“Justin! You can’t let this go on.�

“Lemme ask you a question: Who. Cares?�

“I care, goddamn it! I can’t let people think I’m Jenna. She looks like a vampire. And she’s a horrible dancer.�

Even when being annoyingly stupid, I still couldn’t help but laugh at her. “Devin, are there any pictures of anything?�

“Well. No. But it’s the principle of the matter.�

“Okay, listen,� I directed, “I’m in the middle of lunch, so can we talk about this later?�

“You’re just gonna ignore my calls,� she said knowingly. “You ain’t slick.�

“No, when I come home next week, I promise we’ll get to the bottom of it all.�

“Oh, whatever. You don’t care, Justin.�

Yeah, she was right about that. “I’ll humor you anyway. I gotta go, girl.�

“Okay, okay. Sorry for bothering you.�

Shaking my head, I closed my phone and stuffed it back in my pocket. “I apologize,� I told Alyssa. “I have some amazingly stupid people in my life.�

“Well, it’s much easier getting them in than getting them out,� she replied.

“How true.�

“Jealous girlfriend?�

“Not at all,� I rolled my eyes to the ceiling playfully. “Just a friend of mine that’s on drugs.�

Taking a sip from her tall glass of orange juice, she began to question, “So, you said you just bought a place out here?�

“I did,� I nodded. “I just got this place in the Hollywood Hills.�

“Wow, that must be nice.�

“It is. It’s huge, but it’s definitely cool.�

“Is this your first house?� she asked excitedly.

“No, actually I have a place in Orlando–.�

“Oh, is that where we’ll be staying next month?�

I let my eyebrows express the discomfort and uncertainty that I was feeling at the moment. I was planning on her ass staying at a hotel, if anything. “You don’t wanna be cooped up at my place, do you?�

“No, I’d love to see your house. Your home is the essence of who you are.�

“It’s where the heart is,� I agreed.

“Exactly.�

“Well, I dunno,� I diplomatically refused. “We’ll talk when I get back.�

“Don’t tell me you’re scared to let me see your house. I’m not going to steal anything.�

“Who said anything about stealing?� I laughed. “I mean, I just – we don’t really know each other.�

“And how do you expect to get to know me if you shut me out?�

I chuckled lightly, “You’re funny.�

“I’m serious. You can’t be scared of the unknown; otherwise, you’ll never get to know it.�

I’m not sure of what I see
Cupid don’t fuck with me
Are you tellin’ me this is a sign?

“Alright,� I nodded, chewing down my mouthful of pancake. “If you think you’re ready.�

“I should get ready?�

“Definitely.�

“I’ll get ready for you if you get ready for me.�

She’s lookin’ in my eyes
Now I see no other guys

People always ask me what my type is. But as you can see, the fact of the matter is, I don’t have one. I like anyone that has something interesting to say; that’s willing to show me something about life, as well as being open to learn about the world through my eyes; and that’s just down for a good time. And a great ass is a definite bonus. Alyssa was only three for four, but with her sexy older woman glow, I could overlook the deficiency in the booty category.

“Miss Milano, you got yourself a deal,� I smiled. “I’ll see you in July.�

Are you tellin’ me this is a sign?

As previously planned, I was in Memphis for the fight on June 8th. I think I was just excited about actually being home more than anything. Besides hanging out with a lot of old friends, I also got the opportunity of making new ones. And, on top of that, I had the pleasure of having Summer down there with me. I hadn’t really planned on her coming, but when she asked me if she could, I didn’t exactly know how to tell her I was planning on goin’ into pimp mode that weekend and that she shouldn’t be there. So yeah, I was kind of stuck.

After watching Lennox Lewis kick Tyson’s ass six ways to Sunday, me, Trace and my cousin, Nick, returned to the Peabody Hotel to prepare for the true essence of a fight night – the parties. My mama went on back to Millington, and luckily, Devin and her little group of loud ass friends had agreed to babysit Summer for the night, so I was a free man. Or so I thought.

I had been in my room for all of about five minutes before there was a soft knock at the door, me realizing that it certainly wasn’t a knock from anyone I knew. I walked to the door quietly and peeked through the peephole to see Summer’s innocent smile awaiting access to my suite. Hesitatingly, I swung the door open, faking a matching grin for her.

“Hi!� she greeted, giving me an unsolicited hug.

In a confused tone, I answered, “Hey.�

“How was the fight?�

“You didn’t see it?�

“Well, yeah, I saw it on television. But I can only imagine that being there in The Pyramid is fifty times better than the big screen at a bar.�

“Oh, yeah. It was cool, I guess.�

“You okay?� she asked, walking further into the room.

“Umm, yeah. Where’s umm – where’s Devin and Nikki and all of the other girls?�

“Oh, God. I couldn’t hang with them. They were starting to get crazy at Silky’s, so I decided to just come back to the hotel and wait for you.� As she plopped down on my bed, her relentless smile seemed to get bigger by the second. “That place is really... weird, by the way.�

“Did you see the goats?�

“Yes! What is that about?�

“Dude, I don’t know.�

“I did see the dueling pianos, though,� she said animatedly. “That was fun.�

“Yeah.�

“So, where are you off to, tonight?� she queried.

“Well... uh – well, me and my boys are goin’ to a party that Nelly is havin’ upstairs in the penthouse.�

“Uh huh.�

“Is that alright with you?�

“Of course. I mean, I’m just here hanging out, right?�

“Right.� Nervously, I scratched my growing hair underneath my brown and tan beanie. “You gonna be okay?�

“Sure. I’ll simply stay here and watch a movie or two,� she grinned. “We can hang out when you get back.�

“Sweetheart, I don’t think I’ll be back tonight.�

She lightly smacked her forehead in realization, chuckling. “Of course not. You’re hosting all your celebrity friends this weekend. What on Earth would you wanna stay with me for.�

You see how that guilt trip just smacked me right in the face? “Summer, you know it’s not like that.�

“No, I shouldn’t be stepping on your toes like this, Justin. I’m sorry.�

Baby, I want for nothing
Just your tender, sweet loving

See, women are good at this shit. Back then, I never would’ve been able to pull off a stunt like this, reeling someone in with their own damn conscience. “Why didn’t you just stay at Silky’s?� I questioned, becoming annoyed.

“I told you, it was just too crazy for me.� She sighed and began slowly walking towards the door. “I think maybe your whole lifestyle is just a little too fast-paced for me.�

“What’s fast-paced about hanging out at a bar? You were with a bunch of girls that live in Memphis – and there is nothing fast-paced about Memphis,� I argued. “Aside from this weekend.�

“Devin... is a sweetheart – she really is, but she’s just not who I’d choose to hang out with. She’s, you know, boisterous and lively – she’s a party kind of girl. I’m more of a homebody that wants to sit back, relax and honestly, I just wanna be with you,� she admitted.

I know you’ve got your things to do
But tell me what means more to you
Hanging out with me ro with your boys

“Summer,� I sighed. “This –.�

“Listen, I’m aware of how incredibly lame it is to be stuck babysitting a 21-year-old virgin,� she laughed.

“No,� I began to protest, but she stopped me again.

“But... I’m ready.�

Sometimes, I do get lonely
With no you, no one to hold me

I froze out of complete bewilderment when her words hit me. She couldn’t have meant what I thought she meant. So, even though I heard what she said, I had to ask, “What?�

“I’m ready,� she beamed. “Let me make your night in worthwhile.�

You want so much to lay me down
Is that what keeps you hanging ‘round?
Is that the only way to win your heart?

Now, y’all are my witnesses. I didn’t pounce on her. I didn’t coerce her. I didn’t even suggest it. She came up with this all on her own. Obviously, she needed this. And seriously, who am I to deny those in need?

“Can you just stay?� she pleaded.

If I granted all of your wishes
Gave you more than touches and kisses
Would you stay?
I need you to stay

Well, I foolishly decided to stay. And I gave her what she asked for. Coming out of the shower, wearing only my towel, I walked back into the room to find Summer sitting uneasily on the bed in a very Victoria’s Secret-ish ensemble.

“You okay?� I chuckled, recognizing her discomfort.

I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling

“Yeah.�

“And you’re sure you want to do this?�

I’m kinda scared, but then I’m kinda willing

She nodded and kneeled in front of me on the bed. “I’m sure.�

I smiled down at her and gently ran my hands over her soft, black hair before leaning down to kiss her forehead. The entire moment was very surreal to me – I felt like I was supposed to be in control, but I didn’t know what the hell to do. It all seemed so contrived, and that just wasn’t me. Or, maybe I was just too busy hoping she didn’t cry.

Nerves and confusion aside, I crept onto the bed and got behind her on the bed. As I began to massage her chocolate skin, I looked around the dim room, lit only by a host of candles on various tables throughout the room. The artificiality of it all was a big turn off. I couldn’t wait until this was all over. But then, as her neck rolled and her face grazed against my hand, a tender chill went down my spine. I let my lips explore the crevices between her neck and shoulders, drowning in her sweet scent.

“You smell amazing,� I mumbled into her skin.

I suddenly found myself inadvertently removing the spaghetti straps of her top with my wandering fingers. The silky camisole dropped to her waist, revealing an excited pair of relatively medium-sized breasts that I immediately began to tease with the palms of my hands. She leaned back, resting her head against my chest while her own drifting fingers stumbled through my wet hair.

Feels so strange, it feels so crazy to be in your world
In your arms, loss for words, you got me...

I moved from behind her so that she could lie flat on the bed, allowing me to remove her top and the teal, silk shorts that accompanied them. Her light brown orbs seemed to dart around the large, cool room, but I could tell that she was inhaling everything about the moment. And as her nerves calmed, the tenseness of her body subsided as well. She really was beautiful, I must say.

One more time, just to be completely certain, I asked, “You’re sure?�

“We’ve gotten this far. Let’s go,� she grinned.

Biting at my bottom lip, I stared down at her, naked and anxious, and smiled reassuringly. And then I went for it, no holds barred. Leaning directly over her, I devoured her chest while she moaned lightly and let her fingers travel down my chest and further down. My mouth wrapped itself around one of her breasts, massaging the nipple excitedly.

She slowly bucked her hips against me, creating a growing erection that I had to figure out how to control before I broke this girl in half or somethin’. Just to redirect my concentration, I went after her other breast, ignoring the fact that the only thing between us was my towel, and it wasn’t a very effective barrier when I was trying to pace myself.

My eyes glanced over the clock at the head of the bed, telling me that it was only 1:00AM. I could’ve either taken my time and made it a night to remember for both of us, or I could’ve rushed through it and still gone up to where my people were partying. But one look at all the admiration and lust that filled her eyes, I knew that I didn’t need to be anywhere else.

Layin’ so closely
I feel your skin rubbing and touching me

I leaned down so that my lips fell on top of her, sending a passionate rush through my body when our mouths connected. Coolly, I rolled over, so that she was on top of me and squeezed her ass, creating a noticeable shiver in her body, too. My fingers very slowly trailed from her hips, over her stomach to the inside of her clit, lightly massaging it, already feeling the tightness from her purity. As she gasped, I licked my index finger and then replaced it inside her, just to moisten her a little more, while I felt my way through her contracting walls.

“Justin,� she moaned.

“You okay?� I asked, for probably the fortieth time that night.

Only sweat between us
Feeling you kissing and pleasing me

“Yeah,� she whispered, licking her lips. “Just–.� Whatever else she was about to say was cut off by an eruption of another gasp when I added my middle finger.

“Let me know if you want me to stop,� I said into her neck.

“Keep going,� she softly encouraged, digging her nails into my sides.

In the meantime, my tongue explored the sweet skin along the side of her face, down her neck, placing butterfly kisses in the surrounding areas. In satisfaction, I watched her slender body react to the minute gestures, her back arching up towards me as I pleased her. My fingers continued to roam her insides, teasingly pushing in and pulling out when I felt her body tense in pleasure.

I rub your back, I kiss your neck
I know that you love when we touch like that

To my surprise, she boldly unwrapped the towel that clung to my waist, completely revealing myself to her. I inwardly smiled as she subconsciously stared at my impending erection with wide eyes. So as not to scare the poor girl, I rolled us over once more, preparing to slowly enter her, knowing that my dick being that close to her without being inside her would soon put me out of my own control.

Tenderly, I eased my two fingers from her wet center and very carefully entered her, cognizant of the fact that this could very well be the most painful moment of her life up to this point. She hissed in very apparent pain and I automatically hit pause.

“Are you okay?�

“Yeah.�

I tried kissing her in order to take her mind off of the pain, but the intensity of her nails digging into my arms told me that it wasn’t working very well. Still, I continued my penetration, looking for a fit that would be comfortable for both of us while she squeezed my biceps at each step further.

I can you feel you need me
Feels so good to me, feels so good to me

Staring down at her amorously, thankful that she released her death grip on my arm, I began to work myself further into her, slowly rolling my hips into her to slide in and out. She unexpectedly grabbed my ass which involuntarily quickened my pace and turned her little gasps into yelps. I groaned as I found that perfect fit that I was looking for, and I began to attack her breasts with my mouth once again.

“Just–,� I heard her try to say in a moan. I simply continued my steadily slow, gentle grinding. “It hurts,� she finally revealed in my ear.

“You want me – should I stop?� I mumbled.

“No...�

It’s not like I was about to anyway. I licked the firm nipple of her right breast and trailed up her neck, where I whispered, “It’ll be okay.�

Feels so strange, it feels so crazy to be in your world
In your arms, loss for words, you got me
You got me speechless

After what felt like an eternity, that feeling in the pit of my stomach that said I was about to come... well, it came. The end of our magic ride had come to fruition, for me, at least. When the familiar feeling of ejaculation caught up with me, I slowly pulled out of her, seeing relief cross her slightly frightened face. Focused on pleasuring her, however, I repositioned my two fingers inside of her, aiming for a matching orgasm for her.

I pushed my fingers in slowly, once again, making circular motions inside her while she brought her lips to mine, telling me that she was already satisfied. Nonetheless, I made sure that I got my job done, grazing her insides until I felt her body flinch and escalate to a tremble. I collapsed beside her, dripping in sweat and out of breath. I looked down at her, satisfied and already half-asleep.

I licked my lips as she silently crawled into my bed. “Thank you for staying,� she whispered hoarsely into her pillow. I just smiled at her, figuring she wouldn’t hear my response anyway, and got up to take another shower.

Will you promise me just one thing?
That no matter what, you’re gonna stay

The next morning, I woke up to the gorgeous aroma of a perfect country breakfast: grits and eggs, ham and biscuits with gravy – the works. It was certainly enough to take me out of the usual maladjustive mood that I put myself in when I woke up.

“Good morning,� Summer greeted me, donning a mere robe and a smile.

“Hey,� I answered sleepily, climbing out of bed to traipse towards the room service cart. “You ordered breakfast?�

“I figured you’d be hungry.�

“It smells awesome,� I commented, scratching my bare stomach. “Can you pour me some coffee? I’m gonna brush my teeth and put on a shirt.�

“Sure,� she obliged, kissing me on the cheek before she took a seat.

“What was that for?�

“I don’t know.�

“Well, okay,� I chuckled groggily, heading to my suitcase.

“So, hey,� she began, “where did you go last night?�

I ain’t one to be questioned about who and where I’ve been
I ain’t one to be questioned about what time I came in

“When?�

“I rolled over at about 4:00AM and you were gone.�

“Maybe I was in the bathroom,� I lied.

“I laid awake for half an hour before I fell back asleep, Justin.�

“Umm. Diarrhea?�

“Justin!�

“Okay, okay. I went to the party,� I admitted.

Sighing heavily, she replied, “I see.�

“What? You mad at me?�

“No, I’m not mad. I’m just wondering why you were trying to lie to me.�

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.�

“Hurt my feelings?� she repeated. “So that means you knew I’d be upset if you left, but you did it anyway.�

I don’t answer to no one until I feel I’m ready to

“To be completely technical about it, yeah.�

I’m gonna have my fun doin’ the things I like to do

“I see.�

“Look, I honestly just didn’t wanna leave my boys hangin’ after I told them I’d be at the party.�

“Right.�

“I’m serious,� I said, walking across the room, avoiding her stare. “I couldn’t just ditch them.�

“So, instead of letting me know that you were going to leave, you went to party it up with your little celebrity friends while the poor little virgin sleeps the night away thinking that you’re next to her.�

“Summer –.�

“‘Summer’ what?� she quipped angrily.

See, I need space, get off my case
Stop breathin’ down my back

“Nothin’.�

“You are a piece of work,� she chuckled sarcastically.

“What?�

“Oh, God. You’re good,� she nodded. “Was that your plan all along? Pull me in, chew me up and spit me out?�

“I’m really not good with the clandestine sarcasms, so why don’t you just tell me what the hell you’re talking about.�

“It doesn’t even matter.�

“You’re really this mad because I went to a party for a couple of hours? ‘Cause if that’s what this is about, I’m just gonna say it point blank – that’s bullshit.�

‘Cause we ain’t got a relationship if that’s how you have to act

“To you, yes, I’m sure it is. But it’s my fault for letting you in, for trusting you – all the stupid shit women do when a man like you enters their lives.�

“A man like me? What does that mean.�

“Come on. Justin Timberlake from *NSYNC. Your album says it all – your ass has no strings attached, right?�

“I really feel like you’re punishing me for being famous, which is totally unfair because you knew exactly who I was when we met and nothing has changed since then. But even more important, what the fuck are you talking about!�

“Don’t you dare yell at me.�

“Then stop being stupid. I went to a party while you were asleep. What’s the big fuckin’ deal?�

“The big fucking deal is that you abandoned me, Justin. The one thing I asked you not to do, you did!�

Commitment, true devotion
Right now, it’s not the way for you to come at me

“I went upstairs! I’m back now! I’m here, Summer.�

“But are you really here?�

“You see me, don’t you?�

“No. I saw you last night. Now, I see an image of you.�

When I need it, I’m sure you’ll be the first to know

“You’re insane.�

“Tell me, Justin, am I the only person you had sex with last night?� I made a motion to answer her, but I couldn’t sit there and lie when her eyes were begging for honesty at the very least. So, I just sat there. “I’ll take it from your silence that it’s a ‘No’.�

But for now, in my plans, no demands
I’m gonna have to make a switch

“Listen, can we just eat?�

“Fuck you. I’m not hungry.� She volatilely rose from the table and stormed into the bathroom.

Switch
Don’t take no mess from nobody
If they act up, just leave ‘em alone
When you’re done with ‘em, you can send ‘em home


Lyrics:
“Don’t Phunk With My Heart� - Black Eyed Peas (Monkey Business)
“Signs� - Snoop Dogg feat. Justin Timberlake & Charlie Wilson (R&G: The Masterpiece)
“Stay� - Destiny’s Child (Writing’s On The Wall)
“Speechless� - Beyonce (Dangerously In Love)
“Switch� - TLC (CrazySexyCool)

7. Crack Out The Gatorade

“Can you come here?� was all I heard when I answered the incessantly ringing phone in the kitchen of my Orlando mansion.

Tired, confused, and stretched out across my bed, I asked, “Devin?�

“Duh,� she answered with a sniffle.

“What are you doing? Aren’t you in the pool house?�

“Yes, and I’m asking you to come out here. Please.�

“What’s wrong?� I questioned in concern. She sounded sad, which was the first time I’d heard her sound that way in... well, ever. “Are you okay?�

“Are you too busy fucking Alyssa Milano to come see me, or what?�

“No, she’s not even in here,� I countered, shuffling out of my comfortable position in bed to find my Nike sandals. “She’s staying in the guest room downstairs.�

“And why aren’t you answering your cell? I’ve called you like four times.�

“Sorry, I thought it was Summer calling me again. I didn’t even bother to look at the phone.�

“Well,� she sighed, “could you get over here?�

“Is everything all right?�

“Yeah, I guess. I just... I don’t wanna be alone right now.�

“I’ll be there in thirty seconds,� I told her, hanging up the phone. I rushed through my house, quietly, so as not to stir Alyssa. I knew if she heard me, it’d be more like thirty minutes before I got to Devin.

As you could see, I was willing to do just about anything for that girl. Sure, trampling through the darkness of my estate at midnight doesn’t sound like much, but it was the eagerness and motivation behind it that made me such a great friend. So, in my version of pajamas, I tamed my alarm system and traipsed out of my back door, past the pool and over to the pool house where Devin stood in the doorway with her tightly-fitting wifebeater and a girly pair of boyshorts.

“That was forty-two seconds,� she revealed to me with a smirk.

“Are you all right?� I asked again, following her into the brightly lit mini house. “You sounded upset.�

“Well.� She took a seat on the plush, beige couch that sat in the middle of the room, willing me to sit with her. “That’s because I am.�

In the light of the room, I got the opportunity to study her creamy face, more flustered than I usually remembered it to be. Her playful blue eyes seemed to be tainted with sadness and the puffiness of post-teardom. It was weird to me, ‘cause I didn’t even know that Devin Delfino knew how to cry. “Why? What’s wrong?�

I kinda noticed something wasn’t right in your colorful face
It’s kind of weird to me since you’re so fine

“Well, when I was leaving Memphis today, I got a call from my mom. And she informed me that Tony – my Tony – is...�

“Is... dead?� I asked cautiously, not really sure of what could put her in such a tailspin. From her glare, I took it as a No and guessed again. “Is... gay?�

“He’s engaged, Justin!�

“Well, sorry! I didn’t know.�

“Now you do. My ex-boyfriend is engaged to some ho he met in Arizona. Or wherever the fuck he lives now.�

“And that bothers you because...�

“It bothers me because I’m still alone!� she yelled. “And ugh, it just looks like I’ve been wasting my entire year away, waiting for him to come back to me.�

“Have you?�

“No! That’s the thing – I’ve been having the most amazing time, just doing my job. I’ve met so many people and been to all these crazy places that country girls like me just don’t get to see. I was doing just fine.�

“So then, what’s changed?�

“He’s getting married! He’s growing up and shit. And I’m still... I dunno. Just ‘crazy Devin.’�

“Dev. You’re twenty years old. You’re not supposed to be grown yet. You’re supposed to be buck wild and fun,� I chuckled. “Sad as it is, chances are, that marriage ain’t gonna last, baby. Don’t think you have to compete with that.�

“I guess I just thought that, if anyone, I’d be the one he was engaged to,� she sniffed. “We went out for three years, man.�

“Three years is a long time to date someone,� I agreed, “but that doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed to last forever. Trust me – I know.�

“Oh, God. Please don’t compare us to you and Britney,� she finally smiled.

“That’s not where I was goin’ with it. But I mean, I just don’t want you to think that he’s got somethin’ over you just because he’s gettin’ married at twenty.�

“Twenty-one.�

“What?�

“He’s twenty-one. He’s a year older than me.�

“Oh. Well see what I mean? You’ve got a year to catch up to him if you really wanted to,� I joked.

“That is true.�

“But do you honestly wanna be married this young? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we have at least five or ten years to sow our wild oats.�

“Maybe in the surreal life that you lead, baby, but in Memphis, we get married young, have kids young and devote our lives to our families. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten how to lead a country life already, boy.�

“No, I know how it goes. But if you’re anything like me, which I know you are, you won’t be ready to take that dive for a while.�

“So, what? I’m not the marrying type?�

“I didn’t say all that,� I argued, stretching my feet onto the coffee table in front of us. “I think you’d make somebody a perfect, crazy wife someday.� I paused to laugh when she socked me in the arm. “But people like you and me don’t settle when we know how much more there is to explore. I mean, you have a quickly budding career going, this awesome, infectious personality, an ass that could stop traffic, and you're tellin’ me you wanna sit around in Millington and get married? You’d be insane.�

“In your own little roundabout way, I think you just threw in a couple of compliments there, so thank you,� she grinned, staring gleefully at me. The sadness in her eyes had already lessened and she looked like a new woman. “Thank you for coming over,� she added. “I’m sure you were half asleep over there.�

“No, it’s cool. I wasn’t doin’ anything but watchin’ ‘Spiderman’.�

“The movie?�

“Yep.�

“How is that possible?� she laughed. “Isn’t it still in movie theaters?�

“Yeah, but Trace got it online for me.�

“You thief!� she exclaimed. “I’mma have to tell your mama what you’ve been up to over here.�

“Do it and I’ll tell yours about that ghetto tattoo you got back there,� I hinted, poking her bare thigh.

“Uh, don’t be touchin’ on me without permission,� she directed, flicking my hand away. “And go get the movie so we can have somethin’ to watch besides the same damn episodes of Real World.�

I laughed, getting up from the couch. “You want anything else from the house?�

“Dude, get me somethin’ to drink. There’s nothin’ in that refrigerator but Gatorade.�

“Oh yeah, sorry about that. That’s ‘cause I usually just run through here while I play basketball instead of going all the way in the house.�

“I guess that would explain the smell,� she teased.

“Trick, please.�

As I walked to the door, she requested, “Seriously, could you bring back like, a Sprite or Coke. Somethin’ besides that sweat in a bottle.�

“Gatorade is good for you, girl. It energizes you.�

“Get me some caffeine-free soda, if you please. I don’t need any damn energy tonight.�

Yeah, that’s what she thought.

If it’s up to me, your face will change

I shot over to my house to pick up the movie and a Sprite, as instructed; but despite my best efforts to remain unseen and unheard, I was met with Alyssa’s daunting presence as soon as I came down from my bedroom.

She sleepily greeted me with a smile and a question. “What are you doing up so late?�

I glanced at the clock on my oven that I could barely see from our position in the short hallway, but I made out that it wasn’t even 1:00AM yet. “Just watchin’ a movie,� I responded, showing her the CD with the word ‘Spiderman’ scribbled across it.

“Oh. Okay.�

“Are you okay? You need anything?�

“No, just going for my nightly bathroom break,� she nodded with half-closed eyes, running her fingers through a messy mass of chestnut hair.

“Okay,� I yawned, patting her on the back, “well, goodnight.�

“Night.�

Thankful that I’d gotten out of that without having to explain anything further, I scurried to the refrigerator and then back towards my back dooor.

“Justin?� I heard behind me.

Not turning around, I answered, “Yeah?�

“Where are you going?�

“Well, all the DVD players in the house have to be reset because I just got some stuff rewired after we were having all these storms,� I began to lie elaborately, “so, I have to watch all my movies in the pool house.�

“Oh,� she seemed to understand. “Well, have fun. And don’t stay up too late,� I could hear her smile.

“I won’t, thanks. Good night again.� With that, I quickly escaped the house and reentered my backyard only to see my other houseguest sitting at the side of the pool, staring blankly into the rest of the yard. “Devin, what are you doing?�

She looked up at me with an expressionless face. Somehow, the contrast of the dark night and the light from the moon seemed to sparkle her eyes in ways I’ve never noticed before. “I’m doing nothing. Just sitting here.�

“Well, get back in the house. Someone might see you.�

“Someone like who? I don’t think the paparazzi are lurking around this swamp in the middle of the night, Justin.�

Someone like Alyssa, goddamn it. “Yeah, well, I have extremely nosy neighbors.�

“There’s not a neighbor around here for acres.�

“Well, can you just get in the damn house. I got the movie, and I got your soda,� I demanded, handing her the two-liter Sprite bottle.

“Okay, Daddy,� she sarcastically relented, rising from her spot on the concrete. “When you tell me to jump, should I ask how high?�

“I’d appreciate it,� I admitted, licking my lips as I silently studied her booty in those tiny shorts when she casually strolled towards the guest house.

“Damn! I should’ve told you to bring some popcorn,� she realized, once we’d gotten back on the couch.

“I ain’t goin’ back over there.�

“Come on.�

“Nope.�

“Justin,� she whined, “I can’t watch a movie without popcorn.�

“Well, you’re just shit outta luck, ma. There is nothin’ you can say that’ll make me go back over there.�

“It’s like five feet away.�

“Then you go get it,� I absently shot back.

“Fine. Where is it?� She got up from the couch, taking my Nike flip-flops with her. “Nevermind. I’ll find it.�

“Wait!� I leaped over the back of the sofa to beat her to the door, being sure to block the exit as if I owned it.

“Boy, what the hell are you doing?�

“Umm, I forgot that I don’t have any popcorn left,� I lied, staring her down. The brightness of the room showed me something different every time I looked at her. At that moment, I could see a perfect outline of her nipples through her translucent white top, causing me to involuntarily lick my lips again. “Sorry,� I finally added.

“Are you lying?�

Yes. “No.�

“Why do you look like you can’t breathe then?�

‘Cause I can’t. “I dunno,� I said, swallowing hard. “I’m just realizing how... umm – how tall you are.�

“I’ve been five nine for three years now,� she countered, moving closer to me. “So tell me the truth.�

“I don’t have any popcorn,� I maintained.

“It’s gonna be a happy day for mankind when you realize that all women aren’t idiots,� she told me, very boldly making a move to grab my dick.

“Whoa,� I stopped her, “Don’t touch what you can’t grab, girl.�

“Oh, I can grab it,� she assured me. She immediately stuck her left hand down my pajama pants, her fingers roaming my groin area until she found the erection that she was knowingly eliciting from me. Teasingly massaging me, she grinned satisfactorily when she felt my hips unconsciously react.

“Devin,� I stuttered, grabbing the doorknob behind me to maintain some small sense of balance. “What... what are you doing?� I managed to spit out without groaning too much.

You got me curious, I want to know your game

“If you have to ask, then maybe I should stop.�

“Ok – okay. Why,� I stopped to catch myself from drooling when her hand rotated in a hundred different ways at once. “Why are you... doing it?�

“Okay, I’ll stop,� she decided, suddenly pulling away and walking back to the couch. “Let’s watch the movie.�

As I stood there in dissatisfied shock, looking like I’d just inhaled a ton of Viagra, I shouted, “You have to be kidding!�

“What? You’re here to watch a movie, so let’s get to it.�

It’s really simple girl, our goals are both the same

“Devin, right now is not the time to fuck with me.�

“From the looks of things, I think it is,� she cackled. “You’re not mad, are you?�

“No, I’m horny.�

Send me on a bottle rocket straight up into space

“Aww, did I get you up and then leave you hangin’?�

“Literally,� I quipped in annoyance.

“Okay, don’t be an asshole about it. You’re the one that lied.�

“I’m really not in the mood for your shit right now, Devin.�

“Word to the wise: if you wanna get some, you need to calm your ass down.�

“Then you need to stop fuckin’ around.�

“I’m vulnerable right now. I can be a sure thing if you stop runnin’ your damn mouth,� she divulged honestly. “So, why don’t you shut up and sit down.�

“I don’t wanna sit down,� I obstinately replied, walking towards the plasma television on the wall opposite from the couch. “I’m gonna take my movie and go.�

“You are such a baby.� She got up to swat me away from the DVD player and push me against the adjacent wall. “If we do this, you cannot act weird, Justin. You cannot fall in love or no shit like that. And I swear to God, if you stop answering my phone calls and start ignoring me all of a sudden, I will beat you to a pulp. And then I’ll get my dad to call some people.�

“I thought you said he wasn’t in the Mafia,� I smiled down at her.

“Yeah, well. You know how we are.�

You’re so outrageous, I’m so glad that you came

Hurriedly, she pulled off my t-shirt, very clearly admiring what she saw. I was glad to see that all my working out was paying off. But not concentrating too long, she soon moved in to kiss my chest, her tongue running across my left nipple before she playfully bit it, sending this amazing sensation of complete desire and yearn shooting through my body.

Speak your mind. One hundred ways. It’s better for ya. Don’t be a slave.

I sighed happily as she ventured up my chest and rolled her tongue across my neck. I found myself anxiously anticipating when her lips touched mine, recognizing that the two of us had never even kissed before and I couldn’t wait to get that taste of her. She grabbed the back of my head, forcefully sucking and nibbling at my neck which led my hands to blindly explore the sides of her body, groping her hips when her tongue gave me the ammo to just go.

‘Cause she’s such a sexy dame, I just can’t control my thang

I grabbed her body closely and turned her around so that her back was facing me. I slowly pulled her wifebeater over her head, exposing her huge, round breasts that were perfectly perked up, just for me. I ran my hands down her sides, just to be a tease, slowly wandering over her ripped stomach and played with the sides of her tight shorts while kissing down her neck.

Don’t want the animal inside to be contained
I’ll be your Superman, you play Lois Lane

Once again, her left hand roamed behind her, making its way down my pants. She leaned back against me, the naked skin of the top halves of our bodies touching for the first time. I finally cupped her mountainous mounds in my hands, kneading and massaging them as the two of us moaned in carnal delight from pleasing one another. She buried her face in my neck while I continued to kiss along the side of hers, which, I swear, tasted like vanilla ice cream.

Dip you in chocolate, even though you taste good plain

She continued to stroke me momentarily, keeping her moderate rhythm while I played with her soft nipples, tugging and twisting them in the same manner that she had been doing to me. It was inspiring to see her frenetic reaction to my touch. Eventually, she turned her head up to kiss my chin, and I responded by initiating our first kiss. When our lips connected, I felt a definite shortness of breath, a tingling in my toes, and a medley of Marvin Gaye songs resounding through my ears.

As we kissed, I moved my hands down to her lime green and black boyshorts, peeling them from her gorgeously broad hips and waited for them to fall to the floor. She stepped out of them, as well as my oversized Nike shoes, and then began to grind her ass against me. I took that opportunity to run my fingers over her bare pussy, tantalizingly playing with her opening, but never completely entering her.

Bite you in the center, sweetest fields of sugarcane

Her gyrating soon sent me crashing into the wall behind us, and for fear of breaking my television, I decided to relocate us to the sofa, letting her fall backwards onto it before I added myself back into the equation, looming over her perfect naked body. I released my hypnotic stare at her breasts and transfixed it on the inside of her thighs, open and welcoming. I enveloped my mouth around her clit, running my tongue in and out of every fold. In response, Devin immediately grabbed the top of my head, pulling my hair violently.

“Ouch!� I shouted, licking my lips and staring up at her. “Why are you tryin’ to kill me?�

“Ugh,� she sat up, glaring at me from the opposing end of the couch. “I could kick your ass. Why did you stop?�

“‘Cause you’re tryin’ to pull out my fuckin’ hair!�

“You are such a punk.�

“Keep callin’ me that,� I warned her.

“I will.� She hastily removed herself from the couch and walked towards the kitchenette beside us.

“Where are you going?� I demanded in frustration.

“None of your damn business.�

She really made me wanna smack her sometimes, but if watching that ass strutting around a room when clothed could mesmerize me, you had to know that all that naked ass, set off by those neverending legs really had me crazy.

Adjust the button fly on my Levis when you walked into the door
Standing five foot nine with legs high as the sky down to the floor

“Are you coming back over here?� I asked hopefully.

“What do you think?�

“You’re so unpredictable, Dev, I really don’t know.� I watched her stand there, concentrated more on digging through her purse than anything I had to say. “Baby, come back so we can finish what we started,� I pleaded, suffering from a throbbing dick. “I’ll make it up to you.�

There’s a fire burning deep inside you that you can’t ignore

“Calm your ass down,� she replied casually. “Ah, here it is.�

I should’ve known it was coming. Out of her big, white purse, she pulled the dreaded condom into view. I mean, I’m not at all opposed to using them, but it’s so much better without them. “Devin,� I whined.

“Oh, you're too good for a condom? ‘Cause that must mean you’re too good for me.�

“Aren’t you on the pill?� I hoped.

“Yeah. And?�

“And...� I started, getting up to inch toward her, “we don’t need it.�

She stopped my approaching form with just her index finger to my chest and then turned around to zip her purse. “Put it on or you’ll be fuckin’ yourself tonight.�

And all the crazy things you say to me just makes me want you more

Defeated and horny, I let my pajama pants finally fall to the floor while she broke open the condom and handed it to me to put into place. “Way to ruin the mood,� I muttered.

“I don’t think it’ll be a problem getting it back,� she proclaimed, pushing me back towards the couch while softly kissing my lips. I ran my hands along the length of her thighs while she made herself comfortable on top of me. “Better?� she questioned.

“We’re gettin’ there.�

Not ninety-nine, not ninety-eight
I’ll make love to you in a hundred ways

“If it’s not, we can try somethin’ else,� she teased, beginning to move off of me. “Maybe you can go back to your room and I’ll just finish the job alone.�

I grabbed her ass and pulled her back down before she could get too far, a coquettish grin crossing her slender face. “How ‘bout you sit your ass down.�

“Takin’ charge. That’s what I’m talkin’ about,� she beamed.

I inhaled her smile and then pulled her neck down so that our lips touched once again. My hands explored the front of her body, over her stomach and breasts; she grabbed the sides of my stomach, her nails running rampant against the muscles I’d created. When I tightly squeezed her ass, she moaned into my mouth, causing both of us to laugh.

Nonetheless, we were quick to dismiss the joking when those little tactile eruptions began to surface. My mouth moved back down to her chest, roughly massaging the nipples with my tongue, forcing her hips to react. Once again, I grabbed her rotund rear, unintentionally causing her clit to come into contact with my erection. Needless to say, it was becoming uncontrollable. Knowing that I couldn’t wait much longer, I decided to begin the elicitation of her wetness by grinding into her, my hips thrusting towards hers while I pulled her hips down to me.

“J, I can’t hold out much longer,� she whined. “Please.�

“It’s coming,� I assured her, no pun intended.

One hundred positions, we’ll go through them all
With no intermissions until you get off

My mouth disconnected from her tits and I glanced up at her, already trembling in pleasure. Leaning in, her mouth fell over mine again, sending that toe-tingling, breath-stopping feeling through me one more time. Her hands covered my face and her tongue ran across my lips, her staring at me intently in the process.

I reached around her waist to slowly initiate her descent onto my awaiting, swollen penis. From the very second I entered her, I felt like I’d dipped myself into hot fudge. She was warm and wet, comforting and indulging, and she was wrong for me for all the right reasons. Before I even began to move, the two of us just gasped in pleasure and took a moment or two to recover from that initial perfect penetration.

She smiled in a manner that I can only imagine matched my grin, which sent a happy chill through my body. She must’ve felt it, too, because she immediately started to roll her hips into me. Before long, we were rocking the sofa with our own slow rhythm that we seemed to automatically find. She placed her palms against my chest and gave herself the steadiness to rock even harder against me. She worked her hips in a way that only a dancer would know how as I slid in and out of her, holding firmly onto her ass throughout the entire ride.

I know it takes a while to go through all the different ways
But I can’t think of a better way I’d like to spend the day

I think I took more pleasure in watching her body contort and react to me being inside her than anything else. I’ve never seen a woman arch her back the way she could. It was a huge turn on, to say the least. But I knew there was more than this.

So, turn off your cell phone and crack out the Gatorade
‘Cause it’s time to get to business and there’s nothing left to say

I grabbed her by the waist and removed both of us from the couch, relocating to the kitchen counter situated beside us. I slammed her back against the cool surface, admiring the way her taut stomach muscles contracted as she exhaled heavily.

As I loomed on top of her, the staggered breathing that danced against my ear only motivated me to literally beat her back out. “What the hell are you waiting for?� she whispered, licking the side of my face.

And that was it. I starting fucking her faster than I even thought possible. At that moment, my true virility came ebulliently shining through. I watched her breasts violently bounce up and down from my motions, helping me to maintain my steadily rapid pace, even in the hypnotic state that her nipples always seemed to put me in.

“Yes,� she began to moan, never quite getting out the whole word whenever she tried. “Ju– Jus– Justin...�

“Yeah?� I stammered.

She just shook her head, telling me that she couldn’t get her words out as she panted in ecstasy. Sweetly, she wiped the beads of sweat that were beginning to form on my forehead and wrapped her mouth around my own nipples as best she could at the rate we were going.

Why chase the clouds we lay upon, love be set free
So if you’re ready, let’s get on with our release

As I pounded into her even harder and further, I already felt her tightening on me and she quickly confirmed that feeling when she let out a squeal and screamed, “Oh my God!�

“You coming?� I panted.

She nodded, biting at her bottom lip in intensity. “Hell yeah.� I was glad to hear that because I wasn’t gonna be able to wait much longer either. But she dug her nails into my lower back, startling me and causing my slowing pace to quicken once more. “Justin!� she groaned loudly.

She immediately stuck her finger in her mouth to presumably curb her erratic orgasm. The trembling sensation that her body gave off told me that she’d reached her climax and that I was finally free to release, as well.

I soon slowed to a stop and tried my best not to fall on top of her, but I couldn’t hold on and collapsed like a house of cards. Stuck together by sweat, we laid there in the silence of the room. All I could hear was the beat of her heart and slowing of our breathing to normal patterns. I couldn’t have said anything even if I wanted to, but you just don’t ruin moments like that with words.

We didn’t finish ‘til we hit the kitchen counter

The next morning – the beginning of Challenge For The Children weekend – started off relatively slowly. After the-most-awesome-sex-of-my-life with Devin, I came back over to the house and fell right to sleep. Well, after I finally got my mind off of Devin’s undisputedly perfect ass. I know she told me I couldn’t fall in love or any shit like that, but after that, it was gonna be really hard not to.

Lucky for me, I had other things to distract me. Get this: I checked my cell when I woke up that Saturday morning and Summer had called me twenty-seven times. Twenty-seven! Who the hell does shit like that? Yeah, so maybe I shouldn’t have been ignoring her, but that was a perfect example of why I was. Insane, I tell you.

Still, my curiosity got the best of me, so when I returned from brushing my teeth, I decided to check the one message that she left. I just prayed it wasn’t some thirty-minute tearfest. She really needed to get over me.

“Hey, Asshole,� she barked into my voicemail, contradicting the accompanying sniffle that followed. “It’s really quite invigorating the way you’re ignoring me, but if you climb off of your high horse any time soon, I would appreciate it if you’d call me back.�

Well hey, at least it was short. I made sure to erase the message and threw the phone back to my nightstand before trampling downstairs to get myself some breakfast. Distraction number two from Devin, which I’d completely forgotten about, was sitting at my kitchen counter, slowly sipping at a cup of coffee when I walked in. It was probably rude with my houseguest sitting there, but all I could concentrate on was the kitchen counter and the memories I’d made on the one in the pool house the previous night.

“Good mornin’,� I finally said to Alyssa.

She looked up from whatever magazine she was browsing through, smiling brightly at me. “Hey, sleepyhead. You’re up late.�

What the hell? It was only 9:00AM, which was early as hell for me. “How long have you been up?� I asked, going straight to the refrigerator for my gallon of milk.

“I woke up at about 6:30 and then got up, went for a walk, sat by the pool, took a shower and all that good stuff. You have a gorgeous estate, by the way.�

“Well, aren’t you a busy one,� I commented, pulling a bowl from the cabinet over my stove. “And thank you.�

“Yeah, I’m an early bird.�

Strike one against her. “You want some cereal?�

“Sure. What ya got?�

“I’ve got some Oreo-O’s, Cap’n Crunch, Cheerios and...Frosted Flakes,� I recalled off the top of my head.

“You don’t have any regular corn flakes?�

Opening my cereal cabinet, I showed her that what I said was exactly what I had. “Nope.�

“No Grape Nuts?�

Lame cereal-eater. That’s strike two, Miss Milano. “What you see is what you get, baby.�

“I guess I’ll take some Cheerios,� she relented.

As I handed over the big yellow box and made a motion to get another bowl for her, I heard my back door open and loudly slam shut, telling me that Devin had just walked into the house. Damn. I guess I should’ve mentioned to her that I didn’t want Alyssa to know she was there.

“Justin, if you’re gonna stick me in that damn guest house, the least you could do is leave me some food over there,� she greeted me, walking straight through the kitchen to the fridge.

“Uh, hello?� Alyssa said to her with attitude.

“Oh, shit. I am so rude,� Devin realized, turning to face her with a smile. “Good morning.�

“Who are you?�

“I’m Devin.� Still smiling, she extended her right hand to Alyssa but soon retracted it when Alyssa only stared her down. “Not a morning person? Okay.�

I only smiled at Dev’s way of getting through anything as I poured a bowl of Frosted Flakes for myself. “Alyssa, that’s a friend of mine from back home.�

“And she’s staying here?�

“Yeah.�

“For the entire weekend?�

“Yeah,� Devin responded, digging through the refrigerator to pull out my Tropicana orange juice. “You see, I’m broke,� she honestly explained, hopping on top of counter to face Alyssa, “and Justin offered me a hotel room – where I’d feel obligated to pay him back, or a free room at casa de Timberlake. So, you can only imagine which one I took.�

“I see,� Alyssa sighed.

“Don’t worry. My friends are flying in from Memphis today for the games and everything, so I’ll be outta y’all’s way in no time.�

“What do you mean?� I interrupted.

“I mean, I won’t be around to bother you,� she said, taking a gulp of juice straight from the carton.

“You don’t bother me,� I tried to say nonchalantly. “Are you gonna be back tonight?�

“Probably. But if not, I’ll give you a call.�

I watched carefully as she hopped down from the counter. Her ass seemed to bounce in slow motion under her sweatpants that had been rolled at the waist to show a perfect outline of her rear when she reached into the counter to pull down the Oreo-O’s. “Well, when I talked to Chris, he said he was gonna be at The Matrix tonight, so y’all should come by,� I said from behind her, slowly licking my lips.

“I’ll see what everyone feels like doing. But if they don’t want to, I’ll at least stop by to see what’s goin’ on. You’re still letting me borrow one of your cars, right?�

“Y–.�

“Justin, can I talk to you for a minute,� Alyssa solemnly requested, interrupting my response. “Privately.�

“Sure.� I trailed her out of the house into the warmness of a late-July morning in Orlando. When she’d gotten far enough from the house, I asked her, “What’s up?�

“What the hell is going on?�

What the fuck did I do now? “What do you mean?�

“Why am I sitting in your kitchen watching you salivate over another woman?�

“That’s a good question, but probably not one that I can answer,� I chuckled.

“You think this is funny? You think you’re cute?�

“What’s the big deal? We were just having a conversation.�

“The big deal is that I’m trying to fall in love here, Justin. What are you doing?�

Okay, that was definitely strike three. Alyssa Milano just made it to the top of my Do Not Call list.

Switch
Don’t take no mess from nobody
If they act up just leave ‘em alone
When you’re done with ‘em, you can send ‘em home


Lyrics:
“Like I Love You� - Justin Timberlake (Justified)
“100 Ways� - JC Chasez (Schizophrenic)
“Switch� - TLC (CrazySexyCool)

8. I Love These Hoes

Over the rest of the summer, my Do Not Call list seemed to only get bigger and bigger. I don’t know what it was, but every woman I met, no matter how gorgeous or totally intriguing, seemed to have something wrong with her. Trace would always tell me that for every pretty woman there is out there, there’s a dude out there that’s sick of fuckin’ them for some reason. I was witnessing that firsthand throughout the month of August, and certainly not enjoying it.

And to make matters worse, in a bizarre twist of karma, I seemed to top the list of the one person I actually wanted to call. After CFTC, Devin disappeared on my ass. She stopped returning my calls, began ignoring my text messages and quick emails; all the stupid shit that I do to women after a hookup, she did to me. It’s not that I didn’t deserve it after the crap that I put Britney and Summer through, but I didn’t do anything to Devin except be there for her, so I couldn’t help but be a little baffled by it all.

But, I had an album to complete and then promote, so I really didn’t have the time or energy to go all psycho stalker on her. I would’ve if I could’ve, though. The last thing I wanted was to let the best sex of my life slip through my fingers. But my career came first, without a shadow of the doubt.

So Devin left me hangin’. So what? I was a resilient man. I had absolutely no problem adjusting to the simpler things in life. Hell, I was looking forward to hanging out with women who meant nothing to me.

Look baby, this is simple, you can’t see
You fuckin’ with me, you fuckin’ with a P-I-M-P

It all started at JC’s 26th birthday party. Me and Trace strolled into that shindig as if we owned all of Beverly Hills, which immediately put my pimp operation into place. While picking up my first drink at the open bar, I was met by the intimidating presence of a beautiful, towering woman that just had to be a model.

“Sexual Chocolate,� she requested of the bartender with a Caribbean accent drizzled over her words.

And she certainly was a dose of sexual chocolate... well, maybe more like caramel. She had this glistening brown skin that covered her tall, slender frame. If all went right, I’d be takin’ a big bite out of her before the night was over.

“Hello,� I casually greeted her once she received her elaborate drink order.

She turned fully, smiling at me with these lusciously full, pink lips and enigmatic dark brown eyes. “Hello.�

When she took a sip from her cup, I quickly and discreetly studied the rest of her body, covered by an mesh, black tank top and a pair of loose-fitting jeans. “Sexual chocolate, huh?�

“It’s my drink of choice,� she explained simply. “What’s your poison?�

“Oh, I’m a simple man. I can gladly get by with some Sex on the Beach,� I smiled.

“That’s the best sex there is,� she agreed, staring down at my crisp, white Nike Dunks. “Shakara,� she introduced herself, daintily extending her right hand to me.

“Justin,� I responded.

“I thought so.� Flattered that she’d heard of me, I smiled at her again. “Your hair is different – I wasn’t sure.�

“Oh. Yeah, I did somethin’ to it that I still haven’t quite figured out yet,� I laughed, taking a sip from my cup.

“It’s cute.�

“Really?�

“Yeah.�

“I don’t want you to think of this as some lame pickup line, because I truly am curious. But where are you from? Your accent is gorgeous.�

“What accent? I don’t have an accent,� she countered. All traces of her native tongue, whatever it may have been, seemed to disappear.

Confused, I looked at her and then into my cup which was still half full, so I knew I couldn’t have been drunk yet. “What just happened?�

“I’m kidding,� she responded with the Caribbean back in her voice. “I was born and raised in the Bahamas.�

Gorgeous woman from a gorgeous place. I guess it was no surprise. “So, what in God’s name would bring you to a place like LA?�

“My job. Well actually, my career. Same thing that brought you here, I’d venture to guess.�

Oh God, not another struggling actress. I’d met enough of those on my last Los Angeles adventure. “If I’d venture to guess, I’d say you were a model?�

“You’d be correct.�

As the bar area began to get crowded, the two of us moved out of the vicinity and to a cozy corner of VIP at Lazaro’s Latin Lounge. “So, have you been in anything I’d recognize.�

“I don’t know. Do you read Sports Illustrated? Or,� she reconsidered, “do you ogle the pictures?�

“Why ogle pictures when I have someone like you sitting next to me?�

“Well, you asked.�

“So, wow – Sports Illustrated? That’s pretty big.�

“Yes. I’ve been around for a couple of years. Did some stuff in Miami while I was in school before I became mainstream.�

“Dude. I know where I’ve seen you before,� I realized suddenly. “‘U Remind Me.’�

“Of what?� she smiled.

“You weren’t in Usher’s video?�

“Oh. Yes, yes, I was. I’m sorry,� she chuckled sexily. “The drinks are starting to take their effect.�

Good news for me. “I knew those lips looked familiar.�

“I’m glad they were memorable for you.�

“So, could I ask you to do me a similar favor?�

“Involving my lips?�

“And the rest of you,� I winked. I removed myself from leaning on the table, wrapping my arm over her small waist while settling into the back of our seat. “Are you willing to do it?�

“You have to tell me what it is first.�

“I want you to be in my video,� I stated as if it were obvious. “I’ve been looking at hundreds of pictures, trying to find someone perfect. And now, here you are.�

“Uh huh.�

“I don’t know if you’re available or whatever, but we shoot in a couple of weeks.�

“I can clear my schedule...�

“Really?� I asked hopefully. “You’ll do it?�

“And what will you do for me?�

I don’t think I have to tell you where that went.

I don’t want to move too fast
But can’t resist your sexy ass
Just spread, spread for me
I can’t, I can’t wait to get you home

On one of many hot afternoons in August, in the midst of a break in rehearsals for ‘Like I Love You’, I was pleasantly surprised when I checked my cell phone to see that Devin had stopped ignoring me for thirty seconds to leave a voicemail. Barely even listening to what her message had to say, I anxiously called her back, hoping that she was in town and wanted to see me, or something to that effect.

“Hey!� she answered happily when she picked up her cell.

“Where the hell have you been?� I demanded. “I’ve called you like a hundred times.�

“I know, and I’m so sorry, man. I’ve been busy as hell.�

“Too busy for your boy?�

“Yeah, too busy for your ass,� she chuckled.

“That’s cold, Dev.�

“No, but listen. Can you do me a favor?�

“No.�

“Justin!�

“I ain’t doin’ shit for you after you just disappeared on me,� I told her, trying to invisibly slip out of the studio and into the connecting, empty hallway.

“Dude, I’m sorry! I’ve been tryin’ to get a damn job.�

“And you couldn’t call?�

“Justin,� she whined again. “Please do me this one little favor.�

“Tell me what you’ve been doin’ first and I’ll think about it.�

“I told you I’ve been workin’.�

“Did you get a job?�

“Hell yeah, I did. I’m with Christina Aguilera now,� she announced.

“Are you for real?�

“Yes, I’m for real! I auditioned for her video and got the part.�

Damn, I was kinda sorta counting on asking her to come and dance for me. No auditions necessary. “That’s great,� I said sadly.

“What? You ain’t happy for me?�

“Nah, that really is awesome, Dev. Congratulations.�

“Thanks,� I could hear her smile. “So, are you gonna do it or what?�

“Do what?�

“The favor I need from you.�

“I doubt it, but what is it?�

“I want you to call Summer.�

I sighed heavily into the phone, already perturbed by her request. “Devin, she’s insane. I’m not fuckin’ with her anymore.�

“Please, just call her. For me. I think she’d really appreciate it. And so would I.�

“Yo, Justin,� someone interrupted my call from the rehearsal studio. I turned to see my friend, Kevin – yes, of Britney fame – requesting my attention.

“Yeah?�

“We’re waitin’ on you,� he informed me before shooting back into the room.

“I gotta go,� I said to Devin.

“Are you gonna call her?�

“I’ll try to do it tonight.�

“Don’t try. Just do it,� she instructed. “By the way, I heard ‘Like I Love You’ on the radio today. You’re blowin’ up, man!�

“Wait. What? We don’t release it to radio for another two weeks.�

“Well, they’re playin’ it on KIIS like it’s the new joint of the day. I’ve heard it twice in the past two hours.�

“Devin, don’t play like that.�

“Turn on the radio, dude. Listen, I gotta run – I have a meeting with a dance agency, but we should do lunch tomorrow or sometime this week.�

As I hung up my phone, my choreographer, Marty, was the next one to enter the hollow corridor. “Justin, we’re all on a schedule here.�

“I’m coming,� I assured, following him back inside. I was still somewhat confused, somewhat disappointed by what Devin had said, so I wasn’t in so much of a mood to dance anymore. But I went in there and put on my happy face.

One of my dancers, Jenna, who I didn’t remember I’d known until I saw her again at auditions, noticeably took her place beside me, smiling at my reflection in the mirror in front of us. “You look pissed. What’s wrong?�

I glanced across the room at the MTV cameras that were probably zoomed in on my facial expression and smiled as if she’d just told a moderately funny joke. “Yeah. I’m just tired and sore as hell.�

“Then after rehearsals, I’ll see what I can do to ease the pain,� she flirted.

I should probably mention that me and Jenna hooked up after those aforementioned auditions. She thinks we’re onto somethin’ now. Think again, sweetheart. “I’m gonna have to take a raincheck, ma. I’m hangin’ out with my mom to decorate my house.�

“And I can’t join you?�

“I’d rather you not. It’s gonna be just me and my mama.� As I said that, in my typical bad luck with women, my next headache came walking through the door: Alyssa. Yes, I made the brainless blunder of calling her again. Yes, I said I wouldn’t, but after Devin left me high and dry, I got bored and I got lonely.

Before the music could start, she made her way up to me and placed a short kiss on the side of my chin. “I hope you don’t mind me stopping by, but Trace said it would be all right.�

I made sure to send Trace a displeased glare and then winked at her. “It’s cool.�

“I was so excited to see what you’ve been up to in here.�

“We’re about to get started again, though, so you gotta sit down,� I said quietly.

“Should I just sit anywhere?� she asked, scanning the spacious room.

“Justin, we’re still waiting on you,� Jenna interrupted rudely.

“Wow. Rude much?� Alyssa said to her. “We’re having a conversation here.�

“Well, we’re having a rehearsal here,� she shot back.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the girlfriend takes precedence over rehearsal. And last time I checked, that was me.�

“Actually –,� I tried to interrupt.

“Oh, you’re definitely wrong,� Jenna argued. “I’m pretty sure I was the one with him all day yesterday.�

Again, I tried to break into the conversation. “Jenna, I–.�

Alyssa removed the pair of sunglasses that had been covering her eyes and stared at me with her hands propped on her small hips. “Justin, you told me you were with your mother.�

“No, that’s just his code for ‘Sorry, but I’m actually fucking someone new today,’� Jenna explained to her.

“Okay, stop!� I finally demanded. “First of all, turn the cameras off and get outta here,� I told the MTV crew. “Second of all, everybody else... get outta here.�

“Justin,� Marty inserted, “I told you, these people are on a schedule–.�

“I will fuckin’ make sure all of y’all get paid for your extra time. Just please, get the fuck out.� I waited as patiently as I could while the eleven backup dancers slowly exited the room and loudly entered the outside halls. “Okay,� I said to the two women in front of me, “y’all have to stop. You’re really fuckin’ me up right now.�

Play no games, say no names, ever since I broke up with what’s-her-face
I’m a different man

“That’s funny, because that’s exactly what you’re doing to me,� Alyssa quipped. “I thought we had something here?�

Kiss my ass
Kiss my lips? Bitch, why ask?

“Why – Why did you think that? Who told you any shit like that?�

“Because. I mean, why would you call me back after our weekend in Orlando if you didn’t want to further our relationship?�

“Honestly? Because I was just tryin’ not to be an asshole. But you’re makin’ it really hard for me,� I replied, removing the blue beanie that covered my head to get some much needed air up there. The room had suddenly gotten ten degrees hotter in the past minute. “Can y’all just let this go until after rehearsal?�

“Justin,� Jenna began, “why can’t you just tell her that we’re doing our own thing now?�

“Because we’re not,� I matter-of-factually answered. “Can y’all really be that dense?� I had to wonder if this was a typical Los Angeles girl reaction or if I’d just been giving the female species a lot more credit than they deserved. ‘Cause I really thought women were the more intelligent among the human race.

Don’t get me wrong, I love these hoes
It’s no secret, everybody knows
Yeah we fucked, bitch so what?
That’s about as far as your buddy goes

“This isn’t denseness talking here,� Alyssa replied seriously. “I’m confused by being thrown a bunch of mixed signals. You want me, you don’t; you want me again, you don’t want me again. What am I supposed to think?�

How could it ever be just us two?
I’ll never love you enough to trust you
We just met and I just fucked you

“I apologize if I led you on. But nothing in any of my actions ever requested anything exclusive or even long-term.�

“So... what? Are you trying to tell me that this is it? We’re over?�

Damn, and they say country people are idiots. I guarantee you I’d never have this conversation with Devin. Hell, even Britney wasn’t this stupid. “We never even started, Alyssa,� I sighed. “Listen, y’all have both been great to me, really. But the last thing I need is a relationship right now. I just got rid of one person breathin’ down my back and I don’t wanna go there again.�

“But–.�

“I’m sorry,� I emphasized, making sure to cut off Jenna’s beginning sentence, “but no. Now, if you wanna hang out – in a very unattached, uncommitted way – then, that’s cool. If you don’t, that’s cool, too. But y’all have to stop this shit. Now.�

I do know one thing though
Bitches, they come, they go
Saturday through Sunday, Monday
Monday through Sunday, yo
Maybe I’ll love you one day
Maybe we’ll someday grow
‘Til then, just sit yo drunk ass on that fuckin’ runway ho

After that hellish confrontation with Alyssa and Jenna, I took it a step further and called Summer as Devin requested. I knew I shouldn’t have. All she wanted to do was bring me down and into her bullshit. But thankfully, I had a call-in to a radio station, not leaving much time to fuck with Summer and her idle conversations and admissions.

I actually think that she stressed me out to the point where I got sick just in time for my debut at the VMAs. But I got to it and I got through it, much like I always do. I’ve never had a problem persevering in my career. I don’t know why the hell it was so hard with women. Over Labor Day weekend, I decided to revisit an old friend and maybe find some clarity. She was the only lifesaver in the sea of confusing and crazy women I’d been swimming in.

Saturday, the last day of August, saw my bodyguard, Rob, and I roaming through the empty halls of The Hit Factory until we heard the uniquely buoyant voice of the one and only Beyonce Knowles resonating throughout the halls. “Okay, I’m good,� I told Rob, letting him know that he could leave me from here. “I’ll call y’all when I’m on my way back out.�

“Trace wanted to get something to eat, so try to take a few minutes if you can.�

“Okay.� He handed me my cell phone and a couple of backup condoms. “Thanks, man.�

Nervously, I watched him disappear back out of the entrance and onto 54th Street before I took the long corridor down to Studio M, where Beyonce informed me she would be for the afternoon. After waiting for her to finish whatever vocals she was amid, I cautiously walked into the room, making sure that there were no cameras to catch me off guard and no Jay-Z to kick my ass.

“What’s up,� I said to her diminutive entourage, which really just consisted of her bodyguard, Shorty, her cousin, Angie and one of her solo album’s producers, Rich Harrison.

“What’s up, J?� B asked from beyond the recording booth.

“I’m good,� I smiled. “I see you’re kickin’ ass as usual, mama.�

“I’m tryin’.�

“Have a seat,� Rich politely suggested. “We’re gonna take a break in a few.�

Being completely familiar with the harrowing process of doing ad-libs for a half-finished song, I gladly took a seat next to Rich and watched Beyonce do her thing. I know I had just spent the better part of my summer doing the exact same thing, but I find it very inspiring to watch an artist recording at the very beginning of a project. The fire and excitement in their eyes is just amazing. It’s the start of another dream coming true. And I don’t think that we, as artists, recognize the rush that comes along with a new record until we witness it for someone else.

Sooner than expected, though, B came stepping out of the recording booth, atypically dressed down in a baggy pair of sweatpants and a pink tank top. “I’m so glad you came by,� she grinned, greeting me in the control room.

“I am, too.� I stood up to give her a quick hug. “This sounds awesome already.�

“I’m still nervous,� she confided. “This is just the first song I’ve done.�

“That track is a sample, right? What’s the name of that song? ‘Strawberry...�

“Strawberry Letter 23,� she nodded. “We took it and sped it up a little.�

“B, I’m gonna take a lunch,� Rich interjected. “An hour good for you?�

“Yeah. And take all these extra people wit’ you,� she chuckled.

The two of us watched and waited for the five-person filled room to dwindle down to two before we took seats in the matching chairs that sat in front of the control panel. We both just sat there looking at one another for a few moments before I meekly smiled down at the hardwood floor.

“What’s up, Justin?�

“I dunno,� I shrugged. “I’m just glad to see your face again.�

“Well, you know how it is. We both got busy over the summer– I mean, not busy like that, but you know...�

“I know.� I chuckled at the way her caramel eyes lit up in the semi-dark room. “You kicked ass in Austin Powers, by the way.�

“You saw it?� she happily exclaimed. “You really thought I did okay?�

“I really did. You surprised me.�

“Oh, you thought I was gonna be terrible?�

“Shut up,� I smiled. “I was just proud of you.�

“Oh, speakin’ of that, I saw you on Thursday! You did an incredible job.�

“No,� I smiled dismissively.

“Yes. That was incredible. I knew you could dance, but damn, J.�

“Well, I appreciate that. Thank you for saying that.�

“I ain’t just sayin’ it. I mean it. I cannot wait to see what you do with this album.�

I was pretty curious as to what the hell I was about to get myself into, too. “I’m nervous.�

“You’ll be fine.�

“Not if the reviews are anything like they were in the papers yesterday.�

“They weren’t bad,� she tried to comfort me. “The LA papers had a lot of good stuff to say.�

“You read my reviews?� I asked in surprise.

“Of course I did. I’m more interested than you think.� She offered me a toothy grin and spun around in her chair to glance at the digital clock by the door. “So, is that what you’re so down about?�

“I’m not down about anything.�

“Yes you are.�

“No, I’m not,� I maintained. “I’m fine.�

“Don’t lie...�

“Nah, I’m just... tired, I guess. I’m stressed out.�

“J, I told you don’t worry about that album. If I know you, it’s gon’ speak for itself.�

“No, I know–.�

“And I’m gonna need you to gimme this same pep talk when my album drops.�

“It’s not even so much about the album,� I confessed, “‘cause you’re right. It will speak for itself. I just – I dunno...�

“Boy, if you don’t tell me what’s wrong with you.�

“It’s not really that anything is wrong. I’m just – you ever feel trapped in somethin’ you know you shouldn’t be in?�

“What you get yourself into?�

“What else but girl trouble,� I chuckled. “It just feels like every woman I’ve met in the past four months is out of her damn mind.�

“Dating is rough,� she agreed. “It’s like a job interview that’s goin’ terribly wrong.�

“B, that doesn’t even make sense,� I laughed.

“No, think about it,� she animatedly replied, stretching her legs across my lap. “When you meet a person, they put on a face. It’s the interview face. You know, when you go into an interview, you clean yourself up and your present yourself so that you look good, right?�

“Right.�

“So, you go in, meet the secretary and she, or he, makes you feel calm about everything. Then, you meet the boss and it’s all downhill. The questions start, you get to sweatin’ and lying about all kinds of things that you don’t even need to lie about. You realize that you in some deep shit,� she chuckled. “But if it goes according to plan, all the craziness goes away and you got yourself a new job. And if it’s too insane, you should know to get your ass outta there,� she finished explicating.

“Yeah, I think I totally skipped over the interview process and just gave them the highlights of the job.�

“See, that’s the problem. It ain’t them, baby. It’s you.�

“I resent that.�

“Obviously, it’s true. Didn’t I tell you to stop messin’ with them crazy white girls.�

“You did,� I recalled, chuckling heartily. “But I found out last week that crazy sees no color.�

“I guess that’s true.�

“Yeah...� I trailed off, becoming restless with all this insightful conversation. When me and B got together, it was usually for a number of purposes and this was no different. I was ready to move on to part two of this rendezvous. “Anyway...�

“Damn, you ready to go already?�

“Well, you know. I got thangs to do,� I joked. “Shit, I still have an album to finish myself.�

Don’t want to come on too strong
But I’ll play in you all day long

“Yeah, we only got half a hour before Rich and them get back anyway.�

“So...�

She hopped up from her seat and dropped the keys to her Beemer into my lap. “I’m gonna go to the ladies’ room and then I’ll meet you at the car in five minutes. You know how to get back to your hotel, right?�

“Or, we could just do it in the car,� I smirked.

She bit her bottom lip as her eyes darted around the small room. “I’ll meet you in two minutes.�

Just spread
Spread for me
I can’t, I can’t wait to get you home

And then there was Janet. Janet Jackson. You had to know that shit was coming. But, just to set the record straight, we did not hook up over the summer. Well, not when y’all heard about it. I wasn’t even at the alleged party in Miami that’s made me so famous. It really makes me wonder how the hell certain rumors get started, ‘cause half of them don’t even make sense.

But Janet became true. Because the fact of the matter was that we were good friends. So, when I asked her to do something for my album, she gladly obliged. Originally, she was supposed to work with me and Pharrell on ‘Let’s Take A Ride’, but as things turned out, she didn’t have time for me until September and Pharrell was already on his next project.

So instead, we worked it out with Tim and while I was in New York, doing ‘Cry Me A River’, she came in and did some background for ‘Take Me Now’. Not the best song, I agree; and it wouldn’t have gone on the album had she not been added to the equation, but come on. Like I said – it was Janet Jackson.

“Justin?� When Janet’s feathery soft voice tickled my ear from where I stood on the opposite side of the studio on the phone, I stopped in my tracks to listen to what she had to say. “Can you come in here for a minute?�

I, of course, was a 21-year old punk, tryin’ harder than necessary to play it cool. “Two seconds,� I told her, ready to end my phone call with whoever-the-hell-it-was.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched her remove her headphones and replace the black fedora she’d been wearing that day, making her look like the pimp she was bound to turn into when she laid my ass out on the studio floor. Of course, at that point in the day, that was merely an abstract dream.

I dropped my phone on a random cabinet behind me where Trace stood, still recording everything with that damn camera of his. I continued into the recording side of the studio, smiling awkardly and ignorantly at absolutely nothing. “What’s up?� I asked her.

“I had a question about a couple of these lines.�

“Can you understand my handwriting? Sorry, I know it looks like shit squared sometimes.�

“Yeah, I was gonna say that,� she smiled her amazingly gorgeous smile. “What does this say?�

“Trace, can you get me a pen?� I requested, pressing the button on the stand in front of us to talk into the adjacent room.

“And some water?� Janet added sweetly.

“Okay, first line goes–.�

“I got the first line,� she interrupted, pointing to the tablet in front of us with my handwriting scribbled in blue ink across it. “I just need the last couple. Is that dance or chance?�

“That’s ‘dance.’�

“So, it goes, ‘J, you make me feel like I gotta dance.’�

“Yeah. Exactly.�

“Is that the tone? Should it be breathier?�

“No, that’s perfect.� I wouldn’t be able to listen to that song in a proper manner if she made it any hotter.

“And the line before that is ‘Hot’ what?�

“‘Hot just like an oven,’� I smiled, suddenly feeling very productive. “Sorry about that.�

“No, no, stop apologizing.� Just then, Trace entered the small room, throwing me a pen and politely handing Janet a bottle of Dasani. “Thank you, Trace.�

“You’re welcome,� he goofily smiled back, slowly retreating backwards from the room with his camera zoomed in on the two of us.

“Get outta here,� I instructed. “Your work is done.�

While waiting for Timbaland to resurface so that we could complete the song, Janet and I stood within the stuffy confines of the minuscule recording booth, me avoiding her stare at almost all costs. Instead, I was forced to inconspicuously try not to stare down the low-cut shirt she wore that revealed a mountain of cleavage that my tongue was screaming to get in between.

“Justin, what’s wrong? You seem nervous.�

“Nah,� I negated, attempting to belittle my increasing jitteriness. “It’s just – it’s not hot in here to you?�

“Not yet,� she giggled.

Her sinfully feminine chuckle forced me to remove my Pony cap, as well as the matching blue and white jacket that I’d been wearing. I would’ve sworn that I was gonna turn into a puddle of sweat at any moment. I didn’t know what suddenly changed so drastically, but between the blinding little light in front of us, the lack of air conditioning in the room and the picture perfect woman standing beside me, it was becoming unbearable.

“Yo, Trace,� I said into the thick air. “Can you hear me?� He nodded from the other side of the room before I continued. “You know where Tim went?�

Lazily, he only turned his head to the closed door of the studio and then back to me. “Nah, man.�

“You think you could go find him?�

“Why don’t you call him?�

“‘Cause ain’t that his phone sitting in the chair,� I pointed. “Just go see if you see him in the lobby or somethin’.�

“If y’all wanted to be alone, you could’ve just said it,� he grinned, winking at me.

I made a mental note to kick his ass at the first opportune moment. “Sorry about all this,� I said to Janet.

“Boy, didn’t I tell you to stop apologizing,� she laughed again. “It’s no problem at all.�

“Okay, sorry.� I winced when I realized I’d done it again. “Sorr– Shit.� Smiling awkwardly, I backed myself toward the padded wall behind us. “I’m okay.�

“Really?�

“Yeah, I just – Actually, I think I am a little nervous.�

“No shit.� She seemed to enjoy watching me squirm. “Do me a favor? Go out there and sit in that chair by the door. I’ll be out there in a second.�

Happily obliging, with no clue of what the hell she was planning, I made my way back into the control room of the studio, reminiscing with my recent, fond memories of hanging out with Beyonce about twenty blocks over, just a few days prior.

“Are you scared?� she intimidatingly questioned when she came strutting towards me.

I chuckled, assuming that she was kidding. “Should I be?�

“Probably.� Okay, so it wasn’t a joke.

I turned in my swivel chair to watch her lock the door to Studio 7 and coolly face me with a smile that only Janet could melt me with. I’d call her Miss Jackson, but she was definitely the nasty one in this equation. She straddled me in that same chair and it was then that I realized that if I played my cards right, abstract dreaming could quickly turn to abstract planning.

Nature knows that I want you
But not unless you want me too
So spread, spread for me

I couldn’t wait to test that theory.

I can’t, I can’t wait to get you home


Lyrics:
“P.I.M.P.� - 50 Cent (Get Rich or Die Tryin’)
“Spread� - Outkast (Speakerboxxx/The Love Below)
“Superman� - Eminem (The Eminem Show)

9. I Never Meant To Hurt You

Well, the album came out. And as Beyonce said it would, it spoke for itself, and seemed to have a lot to say. I was pleasantly surprised by the critical acclaim as well as commercial success that it got. I was a little disappointed by not getting that number one spot, but I blame Eminem moreso than anyone else. I was just glad I didn’t have a Nick Carter kind of debut. And in the end, it certainly felt good to know that after the absurdity I had to put up with over the summer in my ‘love life’, that I actually managed to do something right, something productive with those previous five months.

That’s not to say that there weren’t bumps along the way, though, because promotion really kicked my ass. I honestly was not ready for handling all of it, and especially not alone. I mean, they told me to get ready for the questions about Britney, which I did. After all, she was gonna sell my album for me. And yeah, I had a few guilt trips about it at first, but as Devin told me way back in May, a good fight is never clean. She would get over it.

I’ve got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I’m stepping out into the great unknown

But in addition, there were the Janet questions, the Alicia Keys accusations, Jenna Dewan and Alyssa Milano, ‘where’s *NSYNC?’, ‘why are you tryin’ to be Michael Jackson?’ and any damn thing else they could think of to throw in my face and drive me totally insane. By October, I was absolutely sick of it all.

I’m not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

And then there was the 20/20 interview. To this day, I still ask myself why I did that. It suffices to say, it didn’t do anything but get me into trouble. In fact, I was really tempted to turn off my phone for a good two or three days after that interview. But just for being stupid enough not to, I guess I deserved to get caught.

The very next morning, the day my album came out, I got a wake-up call that I certainly wasn’t expecting. Usually, I don’t answer hotel phones ‘cause it’s usually some crazy ass fan that tracked me down, but when they ring at five in the morning, it doesn’t really leave me a choice. “Hello?� I picked up groggily, rolling over in my empty bed.

There was heavy breathing and sniffling on the other end before a small, Southern voice said, “Justin?�

“Who is this?�

“You’ve forgotten me already?� the woman asked.

“I don’t even know who you are, baby.� She had five seconds to identify herself before I hung up on her ass.

“It’s Britney,� she said flatly.

I squeezed my eyes shut and then reopened them to glare at the clock that read 5:27. “What the hell are you doing?�

“Well... a few hours ago, I was sitting in my room watching you on TV. And then, I drank my night away, trying to figure out how the hell I fell in love with such an asshole.�

“Whoa,� I sat up, running my hands through my messy mass of brown, shaggy curls, and attempting to rub the sleepiness from my face. “What are you talking about?�

“I loved you, Justin. I know I did stuff wrong, but I loved you, man.�

“And I loved you, too...�

“Then why would you do that to me,� she sniffled. “Did you really have to sell me out like that?�

I’ve been held down too long
I’ve got to break free
So I can finally breathe

If I remember correctly, I didn’t say anything except that she was a good person. “What did I do, Britney?�

“‘We’re not perfect. I don’t judge anybody,’� she mocked me. “What the fuck was that, man?�

“That was me not selling you out on national television. I could’ve very easily said, ‘Yes, she cheated on me.’ But I chose not to,� I countered, “because I didn’t want to totally exploit your flaws and mistakes; because I did love you at one point.�

“Justin, you know people saw through those fake smiles. And your sarcastic ‘Sure’s.�

“Well, hey, I said what I said. People can take it the way they want.�

Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me

“Is nothing sacred to you, Justin? Do you not care about the fact that our life was ours?� She sniffled again and exhaled sharply into my ear. “I looked the other way when you told all of New York that you ate me out, man. I didn’t say anything when you went babbling to Us Weekly and Seventeen – yes, I read them all, Justin. But you really hurt me today.�

“I never meant to hurt you–.�

“Yeah, you never mean to hurt anyone. But you do.�

You’re entitled to your opinion
But it’s really my decision

“Well, I’m sorry. I truly am. But what can I do about it now?�

I can’t turn back, I’m on a mission

“Nothing,� she sighed. “Nothing. I just hope you realize that you look like a jackass and a media-whore, just trying to sell an album.�

“To you, maybe.�

Don’t smother me with negativity

“No, not just to me. To the rest of the world that can actually see past a pretty face.�

“Britney–.�

“No, you’ve had your say. Just remember that karma is a bitch, man.� And then I heard the click that precedes a dial tone.

I wanted to feel bad, but I couldn’t. I had no reason to. I was on top of the damn world, and no one was about to bring me down. Not even the notion that this was all gonna come back to bite me in the ass. Maybe it would, but I couldn’t worry about bullshit like destiny and fate when I was already holding the key to the life that I wanted; the life that I’d made for myself. So I told myself to forget about it and moved right along.

Whatever’s out there for me, I’m going to face it willingly
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

But unfortunately, as well as life was going for me at that point, it seems that even I couldn’t escape the unavoidable bad luck that comes with the thirteenth day of the month... even if it wasn’t a Friday. That second Wednesday in November, I found myself in the company of my mini-entourage – dancers and bodyguards for the most part – hanging out at Suede. That place was becoming a regular stop for me, being that my boy, Joey, was a permanent fixture there since he started his run in Rent.

One of the crew, Nicole, slid into the booth where I sat ignoring Jenna, who was directly next to me. Nic pulled down a newsboy cap over the bandana that covered her dark short hair and nudged me excitedly. “You wanna dance, J?�

I stared down at the closed cell phone in my hand, disregarding her stare when I said, “Not right now. I’ll let you know, though.� My mom had just called about three seconds before that and I hadn’t heard a word she’d said, so I was more distracted by that than anything else.

“Jenna, come dance with me,� she suggested, easily dismissing my rejection.

I watched as the two of them skipped their happy asses away from my table and shake them on the dance floor instead. I was tempted to join them, but I was more interested in round three of drinks. Heading to the bar with Eric on my heels, I requested a Jackhammer and managed to spot my mom enter VIP while I waited.

“Get that for me?� I told Eric, referring to my drink. I quickly shot across the fairly small area to where I figured Mama was searching for me. “Mom!� I called out, not even realizing how lame it was to be shouting for my mother in the middle of a night club.

She turned in the direction of my voice, smiling brightly as usual when her eyes met mine. It still was crazy to me the way my mom so perfectly fit in at a place where people half her age hung out. Not only that, but she looked the part with her black tank top and jeans that were typically made for twenty-somethings. “Hey, sweetie!�

“What are you doing here?�

“I told you that I wanted to hang out!� she chuckled, seeming to search behind her for something.

I happily kissed her cheek and led her to where our tables were situated. “Was that what you said when you called? I couldn’t hear a damn thing.�

“Yes, I was trying to tell you that I was on my way.� As the two of us began to get lost in the darkness of the club, she stopped in her tracks, causing me to pause with her. “Hold on just a sec, baby.�

“What’s wrong?�

“I don’t want Devin to get lost looking for me.�

“Devin came with you?� I asked. I could just feel my face lighting up. “Where is she?�

“She was outside flirting with a security guy,� she laughed hoarsely. “You know how she is.�

“Unfortunately,� I mumbled back, a twinge of jealousy hitting my stomach. “Well, she’ll call if she gets lost,� I decided, continuing to pull my mother towards our table.

Predictably, when I got back to the table that I’d been sitting at, Dev was already there with her paws sunken into my homeboy, Sky. Her long, black curls covered most of her face, as well as her outfit, but even in the darkness, I could spot the mountains that she called breasts, already talkin’ to me.

“What’s up.� I interrupted whatever canoodling they had been doing to announce my return back to my table. “Hey, Devin.�

“Justin, hey!� she smiled.

My mom unaffectedly took a seat next to Devin, waving at Sky while I stood in front of all three of them like a teacher patrolling lunchtime in the cafeteria. “I thought you were heading to Barcelona today?� I questioned her.

“Why don’t you sit down, J?�

“I’ll sit down when I’m ready to sit down,� I retorted. “I’m pretty sure you told me that you didn’t have time to hang out because you were off to Spain with Christina.�

“Justin, sit your ass down and stop being difficult,� my mom directed. “Devin is leaving in the morning but she wanted to come see you tonight.�

Well then why was she all up in Sky’s grill? “Yeah right,� I mumbled, obstinately sitting down on the very edge of the seat.

Devin separated from my dancer’s side and leaned into the table to get a view of my face. “What’s wrong, Justin?�

“Nothin’.�

“Are you sure?�

“There is nothing wrong with me,� I answered firmly, making sure that I was loud enough to be heard over the music. So what if she was so busy being Dirrty that we hadn’t seen each other since we fucked way back in July? So what if she called me maybe once a month while I was calling her two and three times a week? So she used me for a night to get her mind off of her ex. So fuckin’ what? “I’m fine.�

Eric then appeared at the table with my drink, followed closely by Nicole, Jenna and another one of my promo tour dancers, Roger.

“Looks like we need another table,� Nicole commented, seeing that her seat was now occupied.

“No, you know what? I think I’m gonna go dance,� Devin interjected, waiting for someone to move so that she could escape the small booth. “Justin, why don’t you come dance with me.�

“Can’t. Just got my drink,� I declined, holding up my glass.

“Come on,� she encouraged, standing over me once my mom allowed her from the table. “I wanna see if those moves are choreographed or if you can really work it.�

Mama winked at me and took the drink that I’d been holding. “Justin, go dance with her.�

“Thank you, Miss Lynn.� Devin smiled politely at her, grabbing my hand to pull me up from the table. “I’ll try to bring him back in one piece.�

Just the fact that after eight years, she had enough respect for my mama to still call her ‘Miss’ was what eased a little bit of my tension towards her. I still didn’t wanna dance with her... but if I were to actually be honest with myself, I really, really did.

“You finally wanna tell me what the hell is wrong with you?� She presumptuously brought me to a secluded corner of the loud room, turning around so that her ass was covering my crotch and began to move to the beat of a nameless, upbeat song.

Can you keep up, baby boy?
Make me lose my breath
Bring the noise, make me lose my breath
Hit me hard, make me lose my...

“There’s nothing wrong with me,� I repeated with a lot less irritation in my voice than I had before – that was chiefly because her hips had a way of trouncing all over any current thoughts and feelings I may have at a given moment. “I just wanna know what makes you think you can pop in and out of my life whenever you want.�

“What are you talkin’ about?�

“I mean,� I said, stumbling backwards, “where have you been?�

“I’ve been workin’. Just like you, man.�

“Somehow, I haven’t managed to be too busy for you.�

She turned around with a glare to her light eyes, but still grinding against me while I stood there and let her. “Are you gonna dance, or what?� she asked, switching subjects.

“Devin...�

“Look, Justin. You and me hung out for a while over the summer. It was fun – it was fuckin’ awesome, dude.� She turned back around, making sure to avoid my unbelievably disappointed stare. “But we hang out and we see each other when we see each other. That’s how we are... right?�

Ooh, I put it right there, made it easy for you to get to
Now you wanna act like you don’t know what to do

“How we are changed after that night, though,� I whispered to her, beginning to find a groove behind all that ass. “Didn’t it?�

“No...�

“Why not?�

“J, I told you that it was just a one night thing. It wasn’t about taking it any further than that.�

“Yeah, you also told me that I couldn’t ignore you. Why do you get to do it to me?�

Haven’t I done everything that you asked me?
Grabbed you, grind you, liked you, tried you
Moved so fast, baby now I can’t find you

“I haven’t been ignoring you,� she argued, bending over to touch the floor. Consequently, I went stumbling right into the wall with that one motion. “You okay?�

“Fine,� I panted. “Just fine.�

Ooh, I’m startin’ to believe that I’m way too much for you

“I mean, aren’t you the king of one night stands?� she continued our conversation, facing me once again. She wrapped her left leg around my waist and grinded against me as if we were back on the counter in my pool house. “Why are you actin’ like we owe each other something more?�

All that talk but it seems like you can’t come through
Now I see where believin’ you got me

“If you were just anybody, I wouldn’t give a damn. And it ain’t like I’m askin’ for a relationship with you,� I said softly into her ear, reciprocating her movements. “I just want us to stay... cool.�

“Wait a damn minute. Why don’t you want a relationship with me?�

“‘Cause it’s you,� I answered simply.

Suddenly, she dropped her leg and pulled away from me. “And what the fuck does that mean?�

“Girl, calm down–.�

“No, tell me what the hell that’s supposed to fuckin’ mean. You think you’re too good for me or some shit?�

“Devin, don’t be stupid. It’s just – I like having fun with you. Why ruin that with a relationship?�

“No, what you mean is, ‘Why mess up a perfect fuck buddy by adding commitment to the equation?’ Right?�

Ooh, two things I don’t like when I’m tryin’ to get my groove
Is a partner that meets me only halfway and just can’t prove

“You’re startin’ to sound like Alyssa,� I told her. “You’re the asshole that doesn’t return calls.�

She stared at me meanly for about thirty seconds before she let her smile light up her face. “Damn, I was trippin’ for a minute, wasn’t I?�

“That’s what happens when you front,� I smiled back.

“And what reason do I have to front for you?� she flirted, approaching me once again with her palms flat against my chest. She hurriedly grabbed the waist of my jeans, unbuckling, unbuttoning and pulling them down in one fluid motion. I swear that girl had some magic hands.

“What the fuck are you doin’?� I shouted incredulously. “We’re in the middle of a club, girl.�

Take me out so deep where you know you can’t swim
Need a lifeguard and I need protection
To put it on me deep in the right direction

Pulling off my boxers, she sent me crashing back into the wall and smirked. “Don’t tell me you’re scared to get caught.�

“Doing what?�

“Listen, you wanted Devin Delfino, you’re gettin her.�

Ooh, you understand the facts that I’m tryin’ to give to you?

Dropping to her knees, she silently ran her hands over my bulging erection and then teasingly let her fingers trickle down my legs and then back up my thighs while I just stared down in confusion and an inimitable yearning. She moved in closer to the base of my penis, and I saw a glint of mischief in her light pupils when she looked at me before she let her tongue only slightly graze my tip.

“Don’t be a tease,� I demanded.

“Can’t stand the heat?�

You movin’ so slow like you just don’t have a clue

Not really. “No, I just – I mean, if you’re gonna do it then do it.� I was starting to shiver from her touch and she hadn’t even done anything yet.

“Aight, let’s see if you’re ready.� After staring at me for another few seconds for intimidation purposes, she finally gave in and let her tongue fall back and forth across the head of my dick before suddenly and shockingly swallowing me completely.

Can you keep up, baby boy?

“Holy shit,� I mumbled to myself. I tried to maintain my composure as she pulled her head back, her tongue moving slowly back down over my throbbing muscle until she reached the tip again. Her lips tickled the soft skin for what seemed like an eternity of torturous pleasure before she went back and did it all again.

“How am I doing?� she paused to ask.

“Don’t stop,� I almost shouted in excitement.

Bring the noise

She leaned in and kissed my erection again, grabbing onto my hips while I continued to try and inhale some form of air. With a deep breath, she sucked me, pulling me towards her as opposed to her moving into me, proving once again, that she was unbelievable in every imaginable way. As soon as she had all of me in her mouth, she made sure that her tongue forcefully but sensitively rubbed my tip while her head seemed to be making figure eights around my dick.

Hit me hard

Then, unexpectedly, like she was tryin’ to win a damn slurpee contest, she took one enormous suck that elicited this eruption of fervor and sent me stumbling off of my own two feet. “Goddamn!� I yelled in pain. I didn’t know whether it was me gettin’ caught up in the moment or if my shit was truly fucked up, but after that, I couldn’t even stand up anymore.

Make me lose my breath

She managed to move swiftly enough to catch me just as I collapsed onto the floor next to her. Chuckling, she questioned, “You okay, baby?�

“Yeah,� I sad absently. But then, as I sat there, trying to pull up my pants, I realized that the pain was getting excruciatingly worse and it was pulsating from a place much further south than where Devin had been working.

“I hope I didn’t hurt ya,� she laughed, hopping up from the floor.

She turned, offering to help me up as well, but as I attempted to use my right foot as leverage for the rest of my body, I quickly found the source of my problem. “Shit!�

“What’s wrong?�

“Devin, you broke my fuckin’ foot!�

“What!� She jumped back in confusion, making sure she hadn’t stepped on me. “What’s wrong?�

“I can’t get up!�

“That doesn’t mean that your foot is broken. Maybe you twisted your ankle.�

“I’ve twisted an ankle before. This is my foot, you jackass!�

“Okay! You don’t have to get all irate and shit.�

“Can you get my mom and then–.�

“And what the fuck do you mean ‘Devin, you broke my foot’? I didn’t do a damn thing!�

“This is your fault,� I maintained.

“I’m gonna do you a favor and pretend you didn’t just say that.�

“Well, I wasn’t suckin’ my own dick.�

“Well, I asked if you could handle it. Once again, you put yourself in a situation you weren’t ready for.�

Why you ask for some?
You ain’t really want none

“Once again? When did I do it the first time?�

“When we agreed that that one night together was just one night. You never called me at all before we had sex. But now, I’m just supposed to drop everything for you just ‘cause you got your ass pussywhipped after one fuck? Believe it or not, there’s more to this world than what Justin Timberlake wants.�

“I’m not askin’ you to drop anything,� I argued. “I just want a little attention. What’s your fucking problem?�

“Hey, I’m sure Summer just wanted a little attention, too, Justin. Alyssa might have been crazy, but she didn’t want anything more than your time. I’m sure all the other hoes you’ve loved and left wanted some attention! Shit, people in Hell want cold water. We don’t always get what we want. And I’m sure that’s a lesson you’ve yet to learn, but I’ll teach it to you if I have to.�

“Listen, could you lecture me some other time? I need a fuckin’ doctor, ambulance... somethin’ besides you runnin’ your big ass mouth. I think it’s done enough for this evening.�

She nodded, digesting my words as she began to inch out of the vicinity of our little corner. “Now usually, I wouldn’t give a shit about any insult you threw at me. But since I know you can’t do anything but crawl over to your mama, I’m gonna do just that and leave your ass by yourself.� After turning to disappear, she added, “And do me a favor: don’t call me anymore. I’m getting sick of ignoring you.�

I knew Devin was a pistol, but I never thought she’d actually take aim at me. I wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t want to know that my fears were actually true. Even though I didn’t believe her, her excuse that she was ‘busy’ when I called was enough to put my heart at ease. I was glad she spared my feelings and hadn’t told me to leave her the hell alone. I was completely content in my ignorance, because not having to hear that she didn’t want me as much as I wanted her truly gave me solace. But as much as I hated to admit it, it hurt to watch her walk away. Nonetheless, quite literally and figuratively broken, I watched her viciously strut out of sight, while I clung desperately to the breath she left.

You don’t have no business in this
Here’s your papers, baby you are dismissed

Maybe Britney was right. I think karma just kicked my ass.


Lyrics:
“Right To Be Wrong� - Joss Stone (Mind, Body & Soul)
“Lose My Breath� - Destiny’s Child (Destiny Fulfilled)

10. You Made That Abundly Clear

So, after Devin dropped my handicapped ass like a bad habit, I headed back down home to Memphis for a while. It wasn’t exactly conducive to my album promotion, as I’d planned to be in Canada the week after the accident, as well as doing my publicity rounds over in Europe. But then, maybe it was for the best. I needed to slow down. I needed to gain some perspective on what I was doing with myself.

Over the course of my first two weeks at home, I was able to reflect on a lot. Being that our neighborhood is basically a forest with houses implanted every couple of blocks, even if I could walk normally, I didn’t have much to do. I’d play Halo with Trace, watch soap operas with my mom, watch my granny cook dinner every night, and then I filled in the gaps with arbitrary contemplation.

I mulled over what Devin did to me, what Britney had said, what I’d done to Summer; and I realized that I was quickly and surely becoming something I absolutely did not want to be. I didn’t want to be the typical fuck ‘em and leave ‘em asshole. I didn’t want to be known as the guy that couldn’t commit, or the prick that was never genuine. It was all too easy. Fun for a few nights, sure; but I wanted relationships – real ones – that were based in friendship, trust and all that crap.

Maybe it was because the holidays were quickly approaching and I was feeling more spirited and less despondent than I was when I first got home, but I was pretty much determined to try and right a few wrongs. Apologizing is a desperate habit, I know, but considering the path I was headed down, it was fair to say that I was close enough to throw in the towel. And the way I saw it, good karma could slap me in the face, too, right?

Ironically enough, though, the day I got all these good intentions shooting in and out of my consciousness, it was the same day that ‘Cry Me A River’ was world premiering on TRL. Not exactly the boost I needed to call Britney and apologize for everything I’d been insinuating about her throughout my promotion, but maybe a call and a bit of a warning from me would soften the blow. Besides, with most of my recent days having been spent hanging out with my mom and my grandparents, she would certainly be a welcome break from the monotony.

Here comes the showdown
What goes around comes around
And the crowds are waiting

After finding my cell in the mess of sheets I’d created on the sofa bed in our basement, I tiredly rolled out of the bed and hobbled up the narrowly wooden staircase that led to the kitchen. My mom was in there on the phone, so I kept moving until I made it to the quiet living room where I could watch the tranquil, comforting scenery of the lake across the street from our house. I’d probably need the consolation of the serene, oversized puddle within the next few minutes.

I made sure that my mom was still babbling away on the phone before opening my V60 to dial the memorized numbers of Britney’s cell. There were six rings and a beep before her voice told me to leave a message after yet another beep. So I did. “Hey, it’s me,� I awkwardly began. “I, umm... I was hoping I’d get to talk to you. But I guess you’re busy or whatever, so just gimme a call when you can. Umm. Bye.�

I flipped the phone closed and sighed, falling back into the firm pillows that decorated the couch. I probably would’ve had more luck had I blocked my number, but hey, at least I tried. While waiting (and hoping) for Britney to return my call, I lazily stretched my legs over the length of the sofa and continued to stare out of the window at my mellow neighborhood.

I was just about to enter that phase of boredom where I wanted to get my ass up and go bug my mom, but then I saw one of our terriers, Bearlie, roaming the empty street which scared the living shit out of me until I saw the unfamiliar chocolate face of some chick walking behind him. It was weird to even see her over in our neck of the woods, ‘cause I didn’t think black people lived on this side of Millington; well, besides Devin, and she was only half black, so that only half counted. But anyway, the smiling girl with my dog appeared to be around fifteen or so, so I decided to limp to the door and have a little fun with her.

I opened the front door to an unexpected gust of November chill, but continued to the walkway, wearing nothing but my scrubs and a t-shirt, watching the girl talk to Bearlie while the two of them strolled down the street. “You stole my dog and now you’re gonna act like you don’t see me?� I joked loudly.

She turned her head, which had been covered by a huge, white hooded sweatshirt, still grinning wildly. “Actually, I didn’t see you,� she replied. I could already hear a thick Southern accent in her tone. “What’s up?�

“Just wondering why you got my dog.� I was smiling, but my sentence was dipped in more asshole than I intended.

In turn, I got attitude back from her. “‘Cause your mama asked if I wanted to walk him. But I can bring him back if you think I’m gonna do somethin’ to your fuckin’ dog.�

“Whoa, slow down, mama. I was just kidding,� I chuckled, beginning to inch down our long driveway.

“Whatever.�

“You got a lotta attitude to be so young,� I commented. “Calm down, baby.�

“And you got a lotta nerve talkin’ to me like you know me,� she shot back.

I finally reached the edge of the driveway, pretending to check our mailbox in spite of the fact that I knew the mail hadn’t run yet. I just wanted a reason to get closer to her in case she tried to run off with my dog. “You’re right. I’m sorry,� I demurred. “How ‘bout we start over?� I held out my hand, waiting for her to approach me and introduced myself. “I’m Justin.�

“Yeah, no shit.�

“Okay...� Her magnetic smile was long gone and this was starting just get weird. “And you are?�

“I don’t think that’s any of your damn business.�

“I think it’s my business if you’re walkin’ around with my dog, ma’am.�

“Fine,� she sighed, “my name’s Michaela. Okay?�

“That’s a start,� I smiled. “And you live around here?�

“Nah, I came from Mississippi to walk your dog,� she quipped sardonically.

“You can stop with the attitude,� I instructed, beginning to shiver from the cool early afternoon. “I’m tryin’ to be nice.�

“Well, thank you, but I don’t need your hospitality or your small-talk.� She picked up Bearlie from the ground and handed him over to me. “I’m gettin’ cold, so I’m gonna head back to my house if you don’t mind, Mr. Timberlake.�

“You can call me Justin,� I told her, examining her small eyes, trying to figure out whether they were brown or black. Scanning the many houses that blanketed Fawn Lake Drive, I was pretty sure that I knew all of my neighbors, so I was confused as to why I didn’t know her. “So, which one is your house?�

She pointed across the street to the cabin-like estate that sat just beside my favorite lake. “Just moved in in August,� she finally divulged. “Me and my mama.�

“Wow,� I marveled. The place wasn’t huge, but it was certainly more than enough for just two people. “Damn, your mom must be loaded.�

“Hardly,� she scoffed, turning back to me. “We both work hard to pay for it and to keep me in college. Something I assume you know nothing about.�

“You’re right, I don’t,� I chuckled, yawning at the same time as my dog. “So, you’re in college?�

“That’s what I just said.�

“I’m sorry, I just – I mean, you look like you just started high school.�

“Well, looks aren’t everything, are they?�

“I hope you keep that in mind,� I smirked. “If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you then?�

“I’ll be twenty in February, if you must know.�

That was certainly in my ‘keep talking to her’ age-range. It was good to know that this awkward, unnerving conversation wasn’t a total waste. “Oh.�

“I guess...� I followed her gaze to the front of my house where my mom had just come out to stand in the doorway. “Hey, Mrs. Harless,� she called out to her, grinning widely. The way she smiled told me that she probably did it a lot.

“Hey, Michaela,� my mom waved back, then crossed her arms from the cold. “You’re finished with Bearlie already? Y’all are usually gone for a good hour!�

“Yeah, well I gotta get back home and get some work done for my class this afternoon.�

“Oh goodness, you work too hard, girl. It’s almost Thanksgiving!�

“Yeah, I know!� she chuckled. “But finals are coming up, so we have to tie up all the loose ends before we take a break.�

“I see. Well honey, I won’t keep you. Get your work done and make those grades,� Mama encouraged. “You’re still comin’ on Thursday, right?�

“You know it!�

I had been standing idly in the driveway, listening to their conversation, realizing how much I miss by not being home. My mom’s charismatic ways had built her relationships with everyone in the neighborhood. Meanwhile, I knew maybe everyone’s names and whether they had dogs or not. I envied my mom – and everyone else in the neighborhood, for that matter – for being able to sustain a home life.

“You’re coming to our house for Thanksgiving?� I interrupted.

“If you don’t mind,� she sarcastically asked, raising her arched eyebrows.

As I was about to respond, a sudden wind blew the hood off of her head and I instantly fell in love with her neck-length curly hair. The auburn color definitely set off her mocha features. “Cool,� was all I managed to get out at that point.

“Oh, Justin, someone’s been calling your cell nonstop for the past five minutes,� my mother informed me. “I totally forgot that’s why I came out here,� she chuckled.

“Thanks, ma.� Steadying Bearlie in my left arm, I extended my right hand to my new neighbor with a dorky smile. “Michaela, it was nice to meet you.�

“I’ll see y’all around,� she answered, shaking my hand in reply. “Bye, Mrs. Harless! Bye, Bearlie,� she cooed, petting his slightly shaggy mane before casually strolling across the street and down to her house.

“She seems nice,� I remarked to my mom as I slowly made my way back up our driveway. “Kinda feisty, though.�

“She’s a sweet girl,� she evenly replied, taking her dog from my arms. “You two should hang out.�

I laughed, following my mom back into the warmth of our house, intending on heading straight for where I left my phone on the couch. “I don’t think so.�

“I know she’s not Devin, but I bet y’all would have fun.�

“Ma,� I whined.

“I know, I know. You don’t wanna hear her name.�

“I don’t compare everyone I meet to her, contrary to popular belief,� I proclaimed, finding a seat at the table in our breakfast nook. “I haven’t even thought about her ass in days.�

“I’m sure,� she dismissed me with a smile. “I saw you eyeing Michaela out there. Sizing her up, huh?�

“Well there wasn’t much to eye. She was a tiny little thing.�

“She’s petite,� my mom corrected me. “That’s what makes her so adorable.�

“I'll take your word for it,� I chuckled. I began to sift through my missed calls, seeing that they were all from Britney and I quickly excused myself from the table. “Can you make me some breakfast?� I requested, heading through the open doorway.

“It’s 1:00 in the afternoon!� Mama called after me.

“French toast is fine with me!� I shot back. I plopped into the elaborate upholstery of our sofa, once again, taking the exact same shape and form I’d previously been sitting in, and pressed the Send button to return Britney’s return calls.

“Why would you call and then ignore me calling you back?� she answered her phone loudly.

“I went outside for a minute,� I calmly told her.

“Must be nice.�

“What?�

“You get to go out without a camera in your face,� she stated as if it were obvious what she meant. “Must be nice.�

“It’s one of a few luxuries that come with being home.�

“Yeah...�

“So, how have you been?�

“Not bad,� she rationed. “Better than I was the last time we spoke.�

“I’m glad to hear that.� I recognized the sounds of her mother, her brother and her Felicia in the background, so I decided not to prolong the conversation. “So–.�

“How are you, J? You must be excited about how well the album’s going.�

“Yeah, it’s been great. But listen–.�

“So, what’s up?� she interrupted again. “I’m sure you called for a reason.�

Maybe it was just me and my apprehensiveness, but our whole conversation seemed to start off really weird to me. “Yeah. I did,� I finally revealed. “I wanted to call because, umm... well, the video for my new song comes out today. And um...�

“Whatever you have to say, just spit it out, dude.�

“Look, I know I haven’t exactly been the perfect ex-boyfriend or whatever, but I thought it important that you just keep in mind that even after everything that went on with us, I never set out to be an asshole to you; I didn’t intend to hurt you with anything I’ve said in the past few months. I’ve just been tryin’ to sell an album–.�

“Yes, you’ve made that abundly clear,� she interjected, mispronouncing the word.

“Abundantly,� I innately corrected.

“What?�

“The word is ‘abundantly.’�

“Whatever, dude. You know what I mean.�

“I do,� I assured, “but anyway, I just wanted you to know that I was sorry.�

“You’re sorry?�

“Yeah,� I coughed to ease my tension. “I didn’t really mean it the last time I said it, but I do now. I realize that it’s been a bunch of prick PR moves on my part and I apologize.�

“Well... wow. I appreciate that, J. It means a lot to me that you thought to call me just to say that.�

“Well...� I trailed off, “there’s more.�

“Okay?�

“I dunno if you’ve heard anyone talking about it, but um...� I paused at that moment, because I didn’t exactly know how to come right out and say ‘Hey, I’m gonna be screwing you over one more time when my video comes out this afternoon.’

“Umm?�

Nope, couldn’t do it. “Well, my birthday’s coming up soon, and I wanted to see if you were gonna be around to come to my party.� Wow, that sentence just made me sound like I was about twenty-one going on twelve.

“That more than two months away...�

“I mean, since I’m home doing nothing, I might as well start planning,� I lied foolishly. “Right?�

“I guess...�

I was getting antsy about ending the conversation since I chickened out with exposing my true motive for calling. “So, do me a favor and think about it, okay?�

“Okay. Cool, man.� Obviously, I couldn’t see her, but the color of her voice told me that she was smiling.

“All right, well my mom’s cookin’ breakfast for me, so I gotta run. But I’m glad I got to talk to you.�

“It was good to hear from you,� she replied. “I’m glad to know that we can still be friends, dude.�

Uhh... “Yeah. Well, I hope y’all have a Happy Thanksgiving and everything...�

“You too. Tell your mom I said ‘Hi’, okay?�

“Will do,� I lied again. “Bye.�

Okay, so that didn’t exactly go as I planned. But maybe since we were ‘friends’, the video wouldn’t faze her. Besides, it’s not like I made her out to be the only bad guy. Hell, that video is closer to the truth than anything I ever said out loud. She fucked me, I fucked her right back. Maybe this should make us even. Maybe we could laugh about it all at the end of the day. Maybe we would be friends.

Ha ha, hoo hoo, thought you’d get the money too
Greedy motherfuckers try to have their cake and eat it too

Or, maybe I was crazy.

Oh, gonna be a showdown, knock down, drag out
Gunslinger, shoot ‘em up

Next on my list of ‘fix it’s was Summer McKinney. I definitely struggled with calling her, because truth be told, I had been absolutely terrible to her. Britney, in some shape, way or form, deserved what she got. Summer, on the other hand, had been nothing but angelic to me and I left her high and dry because I got bored. Britney owed me her forgiveness. Summer owed me absolutely nothing. So this was sure to take an immense amount of begging on my part.

“May I speak to Summer?� I meekly asked when her phone was picked up by the fourth ring.

“It’s me, Asshole,� she shot back. “You pick a hell of a time to come to me politely.�

“Well,� I chuckled nervously, “I wanted to see how you were doing.�

“Still pregnant. Still hate you.�

Yes, you heard correctly. “Summer, I’m sorry.�

“You are sorry. But don’t you dare try to tell me that after all this time, you’re apologetic.�

“I am, though. I’ve been unbelievably selfish and immature. And I apologize.

“Ha.� She scoffed exaggeratedly. “An apology is only egotism inside out. Try again, Justin.�

“I just need you to know that I’m here f–.�

“No, listen. What I need you to know is that I’m done with it. I’m done with you. I tried to be honest, I tried to be up front; I gave you ample time to come to grips with all of this. But instead, first, you accuse me of lying. Then, you tell me to get an abortion? Because you’re too much of a baby to handle a baby?� She spoke quickly and let her words run together, packing a bigger punch than what I was ready for. “Frankly, Justin, if you’re willing to tell me that I ‘have to get rid of it,’ as you said back in August, then I don’t want you. I don’t need you. So please, keep your pitiful sense of obligation to yourself.�

“Summer, I was insane,� I began to plead. “Don’t shut me out.�

“No, you knew very well what you were doing. You pulled me in; you let me believe that you were gonna stick around. I didn’t ask for much. And if I asked for too much, you could’ve said so at any given moment. But your ego told you that I couldn’t handle you telling me No.�

“That’s not what it was.�

“That’s exactly what it was. And I really wasn’t tryin’ to fall in love with you, Justin. All I ever wanted was for you to stay.�

“Well, I’m ready to stay. You wanna have the baby, I’m there.� I heard myself saying the words, but I didn’t quite grasp what they actually meant until they were hanging in the air over her soft sniffles and my jagged breathing.

“It’s too late.� She sighed heavily, her voice sounding tired and dissonant. “Because I don’t need your money or your pathetic pleas. I needed your time. I needed for you to be willing, trusting, attentive–.�

“You got it,� I jumped in.

“No, see, if you fool me once, then you’re to blame. Fool me twice, then I’d be the idiot. You’re not gonna leave me again,� she sniffed. “You’re not gonna abandon me. You’re not going to be the father to my child that mine was to me. You see, I waited my whole life, willing to give him a second chance. And I’m sorry, but you just don’t get one.�

“That’s not fair.�

“Life isn’t fair,� she shot back. “I won’t have you traipsing in and out of his or her life. So just quit while you’re ahead and forget about the two of us.�

“Are you fucking kidding?� I almost shouted. This was the wrong conversation to be having in the living room of my mother’s house when I’d yet to even warn her of the possibility that I had a child on the way. Nonetheless, in a raised voice, I told her, “That’s my kid, too!�

“Yeah, the one that you were ready to kill just a couple of months ago.�

“I said I was sorry, Summer.�

“Too little, too late, Asshole.� I was ready to protest, but she amply added, “Listen, I have to get going, but fuck you and have a nice day, okay?�

The line went dead and I stared at the screen of my phone seeing that call had, in fact, ended. I was ready for an argument, but her complete state of rigidity really threw me off. I dunno, maybe it was one of her pregnant mood swings or somethin’, but I was pretty sure that I was about to be up for a bit of a battle over the next few months.

This is exactly the kind of stupid shit that makes me do stupid shit. Did I not try to apologize? Was I not trying to fix the idiotic shit I’d done? I know I should’ve hit the road to reparation when she told me back in August, but I was caught up in myself. I accused her of lying, even though I knew that wasn’t the case. I guess I just didn’t want it to be true.

This time, I couldn’t place the blame on Britney. I couldn’t call Summer crazy for getting pregnant, ‘cause she certainly didn’t do it alone. It was my bad judgement that fucked me up, and it was a responsibility that I’d have to assume for the rest of my life. I was still a fucking kid. I used my spare time to play video games. I was too stupid to even use protection that night. How in the hell was I supposed to handle having a kid? What in God’s name was I supposed to tell the world?

All those burning questions – that was my mindset when Summer first handed me that news on a shit-covered silver platter in the heat of an argument. Being on a promotion high, I arrogantly blew her off.

But five months later, the roles were reversed and now, I was sitting there trying to beg her to let me in; to give me some attention; to let me be a part of she and our child’s life. It’s funny how those two phone calls worked out, though. I started out wanting to make amends and possibly see Summer, and somehow ended up doing the opposite while inadvertently making plans to see Britney – and on my birthday of all days. It’s true what they say about women: If they don’t get you one way, they get you another.

Yeah well, the entire ordeal with the two of them made me say ‘Fuck it’. I was ready to get some women back... one way or another.

Oh, who you gonna give it to, who you gonna steal from
Who’s your next victim?
Oh, who you gonna lie to, who you gonna cheat on
Who you gonna leave alone?
Oh, what you gonna tell her after she discovers you don’t really love her?

“Mom!� I yelled into the kitchen, not bothering to even move.

“Justin!� she called in response, playfully mocking me as she tended to do.

“Mom, can you give me Michaela’s number?� It was time to have a little more fun.

Oh, gonna be a showdown, knock down, drag out
Gunslinger, shoot ‘em up


Lyrics:
“Showdown� - Britney Spears (In The Zone)
“Son Of A Gun� - Janet Jackson (All For You)

11. 'Cause I'm An Idiot

Two months later, and still no word from Summer. But then, I didn’t necessarily attempt to call her or any shit like that either. I was far better off without an illegitimate kid to fuck me up. I was willing to step up, but if she was just gonna push me away, what more could I do? Move on? Exactly.

So, I moved on to Michaela. When she came over to our house for Thanksgiving, my sole intentions were to just fuck around with her for awhile since I was stuck in Memphis and all. Out of boredom, me and Trace even concocted a bet where I’d have to hand over my first Harley to him if I didn’t have her in bed by my birthday. – It would’ve been New Year’s, but he cut me some slack since I went back into promo mode by Christmas.

But somehow, somewhere along the line, I started liking her crazy ass. She was fiery and kinda arrogant in some ways, but I found another side to her that was very down to earth. She shared my passion for basketball and cars, as well as my distaste for air travel and Memphis weather. She made me laugh, she made me smile – genuinely, and I definitely appreciated that about her. It wasn’t too long before I came to the conclusion that you just don’t bet on Michaela Woods. ‘Cause you’re gonna lose.

So, we hung out when I was home and talked on the phone or online every moment that I wasn’t. Since she was in school, there wasn’t much time for her to fly in and out of all the cities I had to be in, but so far, it had been goin’ pretty good. We were making a friendship work. And we’d agreed that that’s all we wanted from one another.

It was the end of January as I aimlessly drove the warm streets of Los Angeles in my silver EXT, while Trace, Michaela and I managed to create conversation based in essentially nothing. And somehow, I was still completely engaged in it. In fact, Michaela was very engaging, herself – in a very platonic way. She was reminiscent to what me and Devin shared... before the awesome sex, that is.

“So, J, where the hell are we headed?� she asked from the backseat, flipping through buttons on the DVD player.

“Uhh, I don’t really know,� I chuckled, sleepily. “Where y’all wanna go?�

“I’m hungry,� Trace commented. “Let’s go to In-N-Out Burger.�

“I hope one of y’all got some In-N-Out Burger money for me, ‘cause I ain’t payin’ ten bucks for a hamburger that costs sixty-five cents at McDonald’s.�

“Mikey, shut up,� Trace shot back. “And what the hell are you watchin’ back there?�

“You shut up,� she smiled. “And I’m watchin’ Shrek.�

“Why?�

“Why not?�

“It’s funny you mention that,� I interrupted, “‘cause I met Cameron Diaz today.�

“For real? Where at?� Trace overzealously questioned.

“At the airport, getting off my flight from London,� I explained. “She walked right into me on her way through the terminal.�

Michaela, or more recently known as Mikey, laughed out loudly and asked, “Did you cuss her out?�

“Nah, she was cool. She apologized like eight million times and I don’t even think she knew who I was.�

“Did you get her number?� Trace hoped.

“Hell no,� I scoffed. “It’s Cameron Diaz. Why in the hell would she give me her number?�

“So you can use it, if she’s smart,� Mikey chuckled. “So, what exactly was your point in mentioning that?�

“I didn’t really have one. Sorry if I interrupted y’all’s banter to say that.�

“Well, in that case, can we get back to the food discussion? ‘Cause I’m hungry, too. And don’t be tryin’t to take me to any uppity LA joints.�

“If you’re gonna hang out here, you gotta adapt,� Trace told her. “Just like we do when we’re in Memphis.�

“I don’t remember sayin’ anything to you,� she quipped.

“I swear, y’all fight like twelve-year-olds,� I commented, turning down Cahuenga. “We’re about three minutes from the house, so y’all better think of somethin’.�

“Well, what does the birthday boy want? You should get first choice.�

Now that’s more like it. I looked at her through my rearview mirror and smiled arrogantly. “How ‘bout some chicken and waffles?�

“You wanna go to Roscoe’s,� Trace asked.

“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about,� Mikey happily interjected. “How long do we have before the party starts?�

I glanced at the digital clock in front of me, although I knew we had more than enough time to eat and then some. “Only like... eight hours.�

“I can’t believe you’re gonna have all your bitches in one room,� she smirked. “Tonight should be fun, huh?�

Trace laughed, rolling down his window to shoot a bird at the passing paparazzi. “Fun is not the word. Shit’s gonna get crazy.�

“It’s not even like that,� I corrected them, merging onto the 101. “We’re all grown and I’m sure that all of them will be able to peacefully coexist for a few hours.�

“You’re stupider than I thought if you believe that,� he chuckled. “But okay.�

Well, I didn’t really believe it. Having invited Britney and Alyssa, Christina Aguilera and Kelly Osbourne, among others, I knew what I was getting into. But if I learned anything in 2002, it’s that you don’t get to the top without the help of others. Even if they don’t know they’re helping you.

Sharpshooter into breakin’ hearts
Baby gigolo, sex pistol
Hollerin’ at everything that walks
No substance, just small talk

“Hello?� Sitting in a secluded corner booth at Roscoe’s, my cell rang to the tune of ‘In Da Club’ and I absently answered while Trace and Mikey continued to argue their way through our meal.

“Happy Birthday!� cheered the person on the other end. It was a slight struggle, but I deciphered the loud voice as that of Britney.

“Thanks,� I smiled, her happy tone giving me an even happier one. “How are you today?�

“I’m awesome, man. I’m excited about your party tonight!�

“Well,� I coughed nervously, “I’m looking forward to seeing you. It’s been a while.�

“Too long, dude.� I heard her exchange a few words with someone in the background before she said to me, “Hey, are you busy right now?�

I looked at Michaela and Trace and then at our three empty plates, figuring we’d be leaving at any moment and decided to be honest. “Not really.�

“Can you come by? I don’t really wanna bring your gift to the party.�

“What is it?� I laughed.

“You’ll see when you get here, dude. I’m around, okay?�

I stared obliviously at my best friend in front of me, rolling my eyes playfully. Whatever it was, her excitement told me not to decline, so I replied, “Okay� and hung up the phone. “Listen, I gotta drop y’all off at the house; I got somewhere to go.�

Mikey dropped her large glass of Sprite to the table and nudged me with her small shoulder. “Got a booty call, huh?�

“You can tell by the look on his face,� Trace agreed. “Who is it, J?�

“I dunno what y’all are talkin’ about,� I grinned. “I just gotta go pick somethin’ up.�

“So why can’t we come?� she jokingly chided. “Huh?�

I looked down at her as if she were my child, smirking while I tried to think of a comeback. “How ‘bout you shut up.� It was the best I could do.

“Oh, J, I got a call from Pantera Sarah,� Trace informed me.. “She wants you to call her back before we head to Dublin’s.�

“Trace, I love how everything Justin does, you turn into ‘we’,� Michaela noticed. “It’s funny.�

“What?� his voiced raised about four octaves. “Girl, shut up.�

“Did she say anything else?� I requested, already dialing Sarah’s number as I slid out of the booth after dropping fifty bucks on the table.

“Nah, just to call her. Oh, and Tara called to say she’s riding with us tonight.�

“Who’s Tara?� Mikey asked, following me and leading Trace.

Inadvertently ignoring her question while listening to the ringing on my end of the phone, I said to Trace, “What the hell for?�

“I dunno, man. That’s just the message she left me.�

“Tara who?� she repeated. “Tara Reid? As in JC’s Tara?�

“That’s December’s shit. Keep up, girl.�

I held the door open for her, trailing her to the car while silently admiring her wide-eyed ignorance – and I mean that in the least-negative way possible. She was adorable. I can’t believe I even thought to wager on gettin’ some from her. “She didn’t answer,� I remarked, hanging up my phone. “Did she leave another number?�

“She’ll call back. Just make sure you answer.�

The three of us hopped in the car in our same previous positions, me with about a million thoughts running through my mind. For once, in a quite a while, I was feeling stress-free. Sure, I was tired as all hell from my flight and had like fifty things to do before the night approached, but I was excited about all of it. So far, my 22nd birthday was going pretty damn well. Seemed like it could only get better.

You got a sleazy one track mind
Workin’ your game until you think you find
Who’s goin’ home with you tonight

After my rendezvous with Britney where I did, in fact, receive my “birthday present,� I returned to an unexpected house full of family and friends. My driveway was so damn full, I had to park at the bottom of it, cramped against the damn security gate.

As I walked the gravel hill, I could see the quickly approaching face of Mikey stalking towards me. “Hey,� I said nervously, seeing that her ever-present smile was noticeably absent.

“You bet on me?� she shouted, pushing me into my mom’s black BMW when we came face to face. “How fuckin’ dare you!�

“What?� I feigned ignorance because... well, that’s what I always do when my ass is on the line. “What the hell are you talking about?�

“Trace told me all about it, motherfucker. How dare you!�

“Mikey, just calm down,� I pleaded, hoping to shield myself from her punches. For such a tiny girl, she was fuckin’ strong as hell. “I’m sorry,� I said honestly.

“You son of a bitch!� She ran frantic hands over her disarray of curls. “I knew you were up to some shit,� she growled. “I fuckin’ knew it!�

“What? Why would you say that?�

“Because you’re you! God, you’re such a fucking asshole!�

“I haven’t even done anything to you!� I watched the side door of my house swing open and out of it came my asshole of a best friend, followed by my mom.

“You bet on me, you dick!� She quickly wiped away the tear that hit her cheek, biting her lip. “Thank you for proving me right.�

“There’s no bet,� I said quietly, feeling insanely guilty for ever even thinking about it. “There was one, but there’s not anymore. And I’m sorry. But, if you’ve noticed, I haven’t even made a move on you; nor have I thought about it.�

“You’re so full of shit,� she dismissed me.

“Mikey, we’re friends, aren’t we? We’re cool. Trace is just talkin’ out of his ass ‘cause he’s mad I called it off,� I said, glaring at Trace. “He’s just fuckin’ with you.�

“I’m supposed to believe that?�

“Yeah! It’s the truth,� I maintained. So what if I only called off the bet in my head? The point was, I hadn’t even tried to make a move on her. “Trace, tell her you’re a lyin’ bitch.�

“Why don’t y’all all come inside and get somethin’ to eat?� my mom suggested, trying to ease all of our tension. “Michaela, I have a big ol’ sandwich with your name on it.�

“Thank you, Mrs. Harless, but no thank you. I’m a little too pissed to be hungry,� she refused.

“Trace, tell her!�

“I dunno what you’re talkin’ about,� he chuckled immaturely.

“Trace!�

“Well, whatever the hell it was, how about you end it here, apologize to Michaela and Justin, join your guests, please.� My mom was obviously becoming impatient and took the liberty of suggesting her way out of our predicament.

“Sure,� Mikey agreed, staring at me sternly. “As long as I get to beat the two of them after they apologize.�

“Be my guest,� Mama chuckled heartily. “Someone certainly needs to.�

“Mom!� both Trace and I whined simultaneously.

“It’s true. Whether it’s over now or not, you shouldn’t have been bettin’ on her in the first place.� She used that opportunity to smack Trace in the back the head since he stood directly in front of her. “Now, can this be over?�

“It’s over,� I repeated reassuringly. “It never even started.�

“Dude –,� Trace tried to say.

“It’s over. And again, I’m sorry.�

My mom squinted her light blue eyes at me and then smiled warmly at Mikey. “Michaela, are you all right?�

“I will be,� she rolled her eyes, giving us that eye-catching smile of hers. “You just stay away from me.�

As we headed back into my crowded abode, my mother made it a point to also hit me in the head when I cockily replied, “Girl, you know you want this.�

I betcha think this song is about you, don’t you?

It was a little after 11:00PM when we arrived at Dublin’s Irish Pub on Sunset and it was packed. I wasn’t expecting anything less, but damn. As with any good publicity stunt, the photographers and all the entertainment shows were ready to aim and fire. Their flashes were going off before our entourage of big black Yukons could even hit the parking lot. All the chaos was just invigorating to me. This shit was gonna be fun.

After making press rounds, I led Mikey, Trace, Tara and whatever other extraneous people that tagged along, into the huge bar, making sure to greet all the important people and politely ignore the insignificant ones.

“Justin!� I heard a loud, but hoarse voice yell to me.

I stopped in my tracks on the steps and turned to see Sarah, the club promoter, striking a pose across the entrance area. “Pantera Sarah!� I shouted. Waiting for her to approach, I waved to my parents, who’d arrived mere minutes ahead of me, and silently greeted JC where he stood at the top of the staircase. When Sarah’s short frame made it over to me, I smiled happily and enveloped her in a hug. “What’s up, girl.�

“Happy birthday, sweetie.�

“Thank you.�

Together, we slowly paced into the crowded bar, her arm interlocked with mine. “So, is everything up to par?�

I glanced over the main room, admiring the white trash theme that it had going – picnic tablecloths with tabloid covers strewn everywhere, beef jerky and Twinkies highlighting each table. “Everything is perfect,� I told her. “You did a kick ass job.�

“You made it easy,� she grinned, pushing her light brown hair from her face. “Listen, I need to know what photogs you want inside and who you want back out when you leave, ‘cause LAPD are shutting down the street for us until 4:00.�

“Let ‘em come back at 4:00 then. I don’t want those bitches inside.� Publicity or not, it was still my birthday party. I wasn’t about to have the damn paparazzi ruin it.

“You got it, darlin’.� Sarah hugged me one more time and I pecked her cheek before she motioned to disappear. “Have fun!� she exclaimed as we parted.

“You, too.� I turned, stupidly assuming that my crew had still been footsteps behind me. Instead, I was met by my soon-to-be tourmate, Christina. She had a red and white trucker hat draped over her black bandana-covered head, but I could spot those platinum and black locks anywhere. “Hey, girl.�

“Hey, you! We just can’t seem to stop running into each other,� she smiled, referring to our many run-ins in London over the past week.

“Always a pleasure, though.�

“Happy birthday.�

“Thank you, baby.� I bent down to embrace her, getting just enough of her scent to recognize that she smelled incredibly similar to Devin, which I could only describe as a fruit punchy scent.

And then, oddly enough, a familiar and loud voice behind Christina yelled, “Happy birthday!�

My heart leaped about ten feet, followed by an excited drop in my stomach. “Hey!� I dorkily answered, stifled by her presence. I let go of Christina and motioned to greet Devin with a similar salutation. “Long time, no see.�

“Yeah, well...� She gave me a weak smile and an even weaker hug.

“How you been?�

“Good,� she nodded, removing my brown visor beanie to throw it sideways over her newly brown and blonde hair. “You look good for twenty-two.�

“I look good period,� I joked. “I gotta say, I’m surprised to see you here.�

“I wouldn’t miss your birthday, dude. Even if you are an annoying asshole.�

“Yeah, plus I made her come,� Christina interjected, taking a drink from the Corona that Devin had been holding.

“Shut up,� Devin grinned. “I wanted to come.�

“Well, I’m glad you came,� I said honestly. “You gonna hang out for a while?�

“Until this bitch is ready to go,� she chuckled, referring to Christina. “Hey, Trace!�

Dumfounded, I turned, seeing Trace and Michaela finally finding me. “There y’all are,� I noted. “I’ve been lookin’ for you.�

“What up, Devin.� He ignored my realization to give her, as well as Christina, a big hug. “I didn’t know y’all would be here.�

“Couldn’t miss the first big party of the year, could we?� Devin replied. “Trace, is this your new girlfriend?� she questioned, glancing at Mikey.

That’s when Michaela quickly jumped into the conversation. “No, my name’s Michaela. And I’m just hangin’ out with these two.�

“Her name’s Mikey and she’s with me,� I proudly corrected, flirtatiously running my fingers down the sides of her long denim jacket. “Mikey, this is my friend Devin.�

I watched Devin silently eye the new girl with jealousy painted all over her creamy face. “Nice to meet you.� Not bothering to offer her hand, she instead pulled out a cigarette from the small purse on her shoulder, making sure to intimidate the hell out of everyone, including Mikey by completing her actions silently, coolly. She was fierce. “Justin,� she finally said, “you wanna come buy me a drink?�

“Umm, can I get you later? I wanna introduce Michaela to a few people before I get started.�

“No,� Mikey protested, “go ahead. I’ll be fine. I got Trace’s bitch ass to guide me.�

“Keep talkin’ like that,� Trace warned her jokingly. “You’ll be wandering around here alone.�

“No, I want you to meet a couple of people,� I insisted. “So, Dev, we’ll catch up later?�

“Yeah,� she obliged with obvious attitude, rolling her baby blues at my innocent friend. “Whatever you want.�

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alyssa enter the already crazy room, along with her co-star, Holly, and some other dude I’ve never seen before. So, to break up the tensity of the small group that had formed, I took my hat back from Devin, adjusted the collar on both my jacket and my light blue and white shirt, and persuaded Mikey into the opposing direction by the small of her back. “I’ll catch up with y’all later,� I told them.

“Well, that was weird,� she commented while we headed to the other side of the club. “That’s the infamous Devin Delfino, huh?�

“That’s her.�

“She’s really... tall.�

I laughed, entering the VIP lounge where I didn’t realize Britney was being kept. I made a note to smile politely in her direction, but took Mikey to the couch furthest from her. “That’s better.�

“So, does Devin live out here?� she asked suddenly.

“Nah, she umm... she lives over near Trace’s house back home.�

“Oh. Okay.� Michaela’s tiny, twinkling eyes seemed to shift uncomfortably in the dark room as she smiled uneasily. “So... out of all the people you could be with right now, why are you sittin’ here with me?�

“What?� I chuckled in confusion. “Why wouldn’t I be with you?�

“‘Cause even I wouldn’t be here with me if I could be with Christina Aguilera. Or even Devin.�

“I have all summer to chill with both of them,� I reasoned. “You go back to Memphis on Sunday and I don’t wanna waste any of our precious time,� I exaggerated. “And... I just like bein’ around you.�

“I’m only accepting that answer ‘cause I want you to get me a drink,� she grinned. “And because I want it to be true, even though I know it isn’t.�

Well, whether Mikey wanted to believe it or not, the scary part was that it was very true. As short as I’ve known her, she had been moving quickly to the top of my Maybe Girlfriend List, which had been nonexistent until we started hanging out. I think it was possible that I was actually starting to... like Mikey.

Oh, who you gonna give it to, who you gonna steal it from
Who’s your next victim?

I eventually found my way across the room to converse with Britney for a while. After fuckin’ her that afternoon, I didn’t have much else to say to her; but since I was workin’ on being a gracious host, I sat and laughed with her for a few minutes. – Don’t know what the hell I laughed at, but damn it, I did it. And then, in my typical fashion, I dropped her and didn’t look back.

Oh, who you gonna lie to, who you gonna cheat on
Who you gonna leave alone?

I moved to Alyssa, thanking her and her mini-crew for coming; I hit up Kelly and Aimee, just to say Hello and shit; Nick and Jessica and Ashlee... well, the only reason I said anything to them was because I couldn’t avoid them when I was coming back up the steps.

Then, it was quickly back to Michaela. She had a beer in one hand, a drink in the other, and a smug grin on her face when I approached her, holding the exact seat she’d previously been in. “You’re back!� she smiled. “I thought you were gonna ditch me.�

“I told you I’d be back.� Removing the fuchsia trench coat that occupied my seat, I threw it behind us and sat down. “You look like you’re having a good time.�

“Yeah. It’s been fun.�

“Good,� I winked. “I feel bad that we haven’t had any alone time today when you came all the way out here to see me.�

“It’s cool.�

“So, I’m glad you’re havin’ fun.�

“I bet,� she rolled her eyes.

“You okay?� I questioned, noticing her sudden change in attitude. “You want another drink?�

“Oh, and now you tryin’ to get me drunk. You don’t waste any time, do you?�

“Sweetheart, what are you talkin’ about?�

“Justin, don’t fuck with me,� she demanded. “I’m not down for your bullshit.�

Sweatin’ me, but I’m not your type
You think you’re irkin’ me and you’re so right

“Mikey, I’m sorry about bein’ busy all day. We can chill all day tomorrow if you want.�

“I’ll pass.�

“What’s wrong?�

“You’re wrong,� she stated factually. “You get some kinda sick high outta fuckin’ with innocent people?�

“What?�

“I’m tryin’ really hard to maintain my composure, but I swear, if you keep actin’ like you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about, I’m gonna have to hit you.�

I’d rather keep the trash and throw you out
Nah, I ain’t gon’ go and act a fool

“I swear, I have no clue what I did,� I stuttered. “Are you mad ‘cause I left?�

“No.�

“‘Cause... ‘cause I talked to Britney?�

“No, Justin. Why would I give a fuck?�

“I dunno,� I laughed nervously. “Umm, are you mad ‘cause I took too long?�

“It has nothin’ to do with you leaving for those ten little minutes,� she shouted.

“Well, then what is it! What the hell did I do?�

She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then squinted at me before quietly saying, “I know the bet isn’t off.�

“Yes, it is,� I protested. “What are you talkin’ about?�

“I know the bet isn’t off,� she repeated, emphasizing every word. “So, tell me the truth, or I’m on the next flight to Memphis.�

“Mikey, I promise you, there’s no bet goin’ on. I decided like a month ago that I didn’t wanna go through with it.�

“So, why didn’t you tell Trace about your decision?�

“‘Cause I’m an idiot,� I admitted, trying to lighten her mood.

“No argument there.�

“I’m sorry I ever let it go there. But that was before we started really hangin’ out and before I started liking you.�

“You li–.�

“As a person,� I quickly added, attempting to save face. “You really are my favorite girl, though.�

“Oh, your favorite,� she sarcastically chuckled. “Well, I’m honored!�

“Mikey...�

“No, I really am. I’m so glad that I top the list of your people to fuck around with. But this whole little ‘I’m so interested in Mikey’ act that you have goin’ tonight, it ain’t gonna work, homeboy. I know you’re just all up in my ass tonight so you can win, and you can forget it.�

Not gon’ be your sucker
I’ll never be your lover

“That’s not what I’m doing!� I argued. “I thought you got that earlier.�

“Yeah, and I was stupid enough to believe your bullshit earlier. I’m done with it, though.�

“What changed your mind? What did I do?� I scanned the room, realizing that half of the occupants were staring at the two of us, so I decided to adjust my tone. “Mikey, whatever I did, I’m sorry. But there’s no bet. All I wanted to do was sit with you and enjoy my party.�

I’d rather make you suffer
You stupid motherfucker

“Well, you’ll have do that without me.� Very carefully, she tilted her red cup and let its contents slowly pour into the crotch of my blue jeans. “Goodnight, Justin. And happy birthday.� She smiled sinfully, passing me the half full Corona she had been holding as well as the pink coat behind us. “Give this to Devin if she ever comes back and tell her I said ‘Thank you.’�

Staggered by everything that had happened in the past ten seconds, all I could do was watch her walk away. I was about to get up and follow her when the unfortunate presence of my ex-girlfriend held me captive.

“I saw what just happened,� Britney informed me, obliviously taking the seat that Mikey had just occupied. “You okay?�

“I’m fine.�

“Who was she anyway? That was pretty rude.�

“She was a friend,� I said dryly, putting an emphasis on ‘was’ when it rang through my head. I downed the rest of Devin’s beer and stared unaffectedly at Britney. She seemed to be in her own little world, so I got up and left her. Again.

I shuffled my way through the crowded party, annoyed by people that wanted to talk instead of move. But luckily, I was soon enough back where I started, at the entrance to the bar, where my parents were still perched at the top of the staircase, my mom puffing on a cigarette, while my dad took swigs from his own bottle of beer.

“Mom,� I called, walking up the steps, “have you seen Michaela?�

She innately scratched her head and then ran her hand over her golden cornrows before answering. “I believe she’s gone. She told me she wasn’t feeling well and that she was catching a cab home.�

“Shit,� I hissed. I knew that ‘home’ meant Memphis and not my Hollywood Hills residence. “Fuck.� I had to add that just for good measure.

“What’s wrong?�

“I dunno. I dunno what happened.� Exhaling sharply, I leaned against the wooden banister, bored with my own party after merely an hour or so. “Have you seen Devin?� I finally asked.

“Yeah, she was in there, sittin’ at a table with the Playboy girls.�

“Thanks, ma.� I immediately headed back inside, scanning the tables for packs of women with oversized breasts. Then, I realized that I was in Los Angeles, and I’d have to do a more detailed search of the room.

“You ready to buy me that drink?�

Over the loud music, I managed to hear Devin’s voice behind me and I turned to see her picking at the nonexistent lint on her white tank top. “What did you say to Mikey?� I demanded.

“What are you talkin’ about?� she chuckled, taking her coat from me. “I didn’t say anything.�

“Come on, Devin.�

“Where is the little girl anyway? You don’t want her gettin’ lost in all these people, do you?�

“What did you say?� I motioned for her to sit down at an adjacent table before I slid into the booth beside her. “And don’t fuckin’ lie.�

“Look, dude, all I told her was to watch out for you, ‘cause I know how you are.�

“And?�

“And that’s it.�

“So, you didn’t mention anything about a bet?�

“Umm. A bet?�

“Don’t fuck with me, Devin. What did you tell her?�

“I didn’t tell her anything,� she shot back, becoming defensive. “Why would I know anything about a bet?�

“‘Cause you were with Trace and he very easily could’ve told you about it. Now, I’m not gonna ask you again. What did you say to Michaela?�

And then, yet a-fucking-gain, I was interrupted by Britney and her stupid ass small-talk. “Justin,� she greeted me as she walked up to the table, “there you are.�

“Here I am.�

“You just disappeared on me downstairs,� she giggled.

And somehow, that still wasn’t a hint to fuck off. “Sorry.� I watched her attempt to take a seat across from me and Devin, so I added, “Listen, Brit, I’m in the middle of something important here.�

“Yeah, we were just about to go fuck,� Devin added, smiling overconfidently. “So, if you could let us get to it, we’ll be finished in about three minutes, I’m sure.�

I glared at her. “You’re not funny.�

“I’m funny to me. I don’t care what you think.� Underneath the table, she kicked my foot with her four-inch heel and continued to grin at Britney. “So, Brit, why are you still sittin’ here?�

“Don’t be rude,� I instructed. “But, if you could excuse us, Britney...�

“She’s not serious, is she?� Britney incredulously queried.

“No, she’s not. But seriously, dude.�

“Okay, I’ll leave y’all alone. But when do you think you’ll be done?�

“I don’t know,� I answered in frustration. “Don’t wait around for me.�

“But I was kinda hoping we could talk, J.�

“About what?� I shot back. “What the fuck do we have to say to each other?�

“You know,� she whispered, her big chocolate eyes darting between me and Devin.

“No, I really don’t know. And I’d appreciate it if you’d leave me the fuck alone. I don’t have any room for you right now.�

“Oh, but you did this afternoon?�

“Yeah. But now I don’t, so if you could go bug someone else...�

“Justin!� Devin yelled, punching me in the arm.

“No, it’s fine,� Britney nodded, scratching at her nose. “Justin, thank you for a lovely night.� She used the end of her yellow scarf to quickly wipe at her eyes. “Good night.�

“Good night,� I finished, not bothering to look up anymore. Once she was finally out of earshot, I turned back to Devin, who’d been staring at me with intense blue eyes. “What?�

“You’re such an asshole,� she responded, shaking her head. “I can’t believe you treat your girlfriend like that.�

“Ex-girlfriend.�

“Whatever. You were together at some point. You should show her at least a little respect.�

“What are you preachin’ for. You treated her like shit, too.�

“I don’t even know the ho,� she countered. “Plus, she was getting on my nerves.�

“Aren’t you the author of the ‘just another fuckin’ ex’ theory?�

“Yeah, but there was never a ‘be a dick just ‘cause she’s another fuckin’ ex’ rule. Remind me to never be your girlfriend,� she yawned. “And can you let me outta here? I’m starting to feel claustrophobic.�

“No. I still wanna know what the hell you said to my friend.�

“I told her you were an asshole and that she’d better watch out tonight, ‘cause you were willing to do anything to win that bet,� she admitted. “And I said that you were only gonna break her heart in the end, so it’s best if she get the hell out now.�

“And...� I was so pissed at that moment that I couldn’t even get out my words. I clenched my jaw and tried to compose myself before I hit the bitch. “Why the fuck did you do that, Devin?�

“I wanted to,� she shrugged.

“Why? Why, Devin? Leaving me on a club floor with a broken foot wasn’t enough for you? You gotta take the one thing in my life that I haven’t treated like shit?�

“Yet.�

“What?�

“Maybe you haven’t treated her like shit yet, but it’s coming. It always comes.�

“Oh, and when did it come for you?�

“I didn’t let it get there,� she answered.

“And so, now you’re concentrated on ruining all my other relationships, too?�

“No, I don’t care that much. I just thought I should warn the little girl.�

“I wish you’d stop calling her that,� I sighed. “She’s only a year younger than you.�

“And half my size. Sorry, but she’s little to me.� She took the beer bottle that I’d been holding and downed the last two drops while staring at me like I was supposed to be scared. “Well, now that you’ve gotten my confession, can you let me go?�

“No,� I simply denied. “You’re gonna sit there until I’m ready for your ass to move.�

“Ooh, I love this game.� She let her slender fingers trickle up the back of my neck and pulled my hat from my head for the second time that night. “Let’s go then, birthday boy.�

I leaned into her, as if I were about to make a move for her lips, but instead went for her ear to whisper, “Maybe some other time.� I took my hat back from her and slid out of the small table.

“Where the hell are you going?� she demanded.

“Ordinarily, I would’ve jumped on that. But, you ruined something for me that I really wanted, so thanks, but no thanks.�

I started to walk away, but as always, her voice automatically stopped me in my tracks. “I did it ‘cause I didn’t want her to take you from me,� she admitted softly. “I’m sorry.�

I turned and stared at her, not believing the words I was hearing. Had the tables been turned? Was I the one with control over Devin? How was that possible? “What?�

“I told her that ‘cause... I want you for myself.� She bowed her head and then gave me a pitiful look of sorrow. “I saw it in the way you smiled at her, introduced her, took care of her – she was gonna have you on lock if I didn’t get rid of her.�

“Devin, that wasn’t your call to make.�

“I know.�

“And there would be no Michaela if you hadn’t left me,� I added.

“I know that, too. I shouldn’t have done that to you. I just wasn’t ready to admit it.�

“Admit what?�

“That I ‘liked you’,� she divulged, using air quotations with her fingers.

“So, that makes you a coward, in addition to a spoiled bitch.�

“That’s not fair, Justin. I had good rea–.�

“Life’s not fair,� I interrupted. “I don’t have time to play your little childish games and fuck around when you say it’s okay. I had a friendship with that girl. You get a little taste of jealousy and think you have the right to take that away? Fuck you, Devin.�

“J, I only did it ‘cause I want you. I didn’t try to hurt her.�

“I think it was you that coldly told me that we don’t always get what we want.�

Got a chip up on your shoulder, I just knocked it off
Show me what you’re gonna do, I ain’t bout to run
You have just run out of ammunition
Shootin’ blanks now

“Fair enough,� she sadly smiled. “I guess I’ll see you on the road then.�

“Guess so.�

“For what it’s worth,� she began, climbing out of the booth to stand face to face with me, “I only talked to her for about five minutes, but she seems worth more than a Hog, if you know what I mean.�

“I know she is.�

“Good luck, okay?�

“Thank you,� I rolled my eyes.

When our hands momentarily connected as she pecked my cheek, I felt this surge of energy hit my body and I got the urge to not let her go. There was certainly something electric about her that united us; even when I wanted to be pissed at her, I wanted to hold on tight. But her magnetic touch eventually tapered away and I was left wondering why I had just let my dream slip through my fingers.

After simply standing there with wet pants for a few minutes, telling myself that I couldn’t stay angry at Devin, I quickly headed back outside, crashing my way down the steps to call after her. “Devin, wait!� I yelled into the noisy outside area.

I noticed Christina enter the front of a black SUV, figuring that Devin was probably in the same car. But, I noticed just in time for it to be too late. They’d driven off and I was left standing on the sidewalk, alone again. That was twice in one night that I’d let what I wanted run away. I was finally starting to see that this had nothing to do with karma. I was just stupid.

You son of a gun


Lyrics:
“Son Of A Gun� - Janet Jackson (All For You)

The month of February pretty much flew by (Thank God) – mainly because of the fact that I’d been working my ass off all month, pimping my nonexistent playboy persona. But hey, new video means new attitude. And as depressing as it sounded, my new attitude was that of a depressive. Devin once told me that without true love, we kind of just exist. At that the time of that drunken pearl of wisdom, I thought the girl was full of shit. But now, I’m starting to see what she meant. What’s life without love? Nothing. And I was just... existing at this point.

It was a sunny Thursday at the beginning of March and I’d been dancing my ass off, rehearsing for the Soul Train Awards when an unexpected visitor stopped by the dance studio to put a smile on my face. Michaela Woods, angelically dressed in a pair of white cargo pants, halter and white Pumas glided across the room with her animated smile, headed straight in my direction.

“What are you doing here?� I asked over the music.

“Apologizing,� she grinned.

Extremely confused, I questioned, “What’s going on?�

“I talked to Devin,� she explained. “Had a long talk with her, actually. She told me what really happened.� Mikey nodded as she spoke, nervously observing the rest of the room as well. “And... I’m sorry.�

“And you came out to LA just to say that?�

“Well, I figured you’d be less likely to tell me to go fuck myself if we were face to face.�

“I see...�

“Plus, I’m on Spring Break and had nothin’ better to do.�

“Yo, can we break for a few?� I asked my co-worker – mainly Marty.

Marty made it to the front of the room and just chuckled. By now, he was used to my bullshit. “Yeah, let’s break for lunch.�

Glancing at my Movado, I nodded in agreement. “Two hours?� I hoped.

“Hour and a half,� he corrected, grabbing his square bottle of Fiji water. “Good luck.�

“Later, y’all.� I stared at Michaela as my backup dancers exited the room, bidding goodbyes to the two of us while grabbing their respective bags and water bottles. Once we were finally alone, I brought her to the mirror/wall at the front of the room and sat on the shiny wood floor, waiting for her to take my lead. “So you’re really okay with everything?� I initiated.

“I have no reason not to be. You told me what happened and I didn’t take that opportunity to trust you. And for that, I really am sorry.�

“Don’t apologize please. I shouldn’t have bet on you,� I admitted, shaking my head at the floor. “How ‘bout we just start over?�

“Again?�

“Again?� I chuckled, pulling my knees to my chest. “When did we start over before?�

“The day we met.�

“Seriously?�

“Yes!� she laughed and rested her hand on my knee. “But we don’t have to do it now. We’re good.�

“Okay,� I concurred.

“Just don’t bet on me ever again,� she directed, using the quiet moment to punch me in the arm. “If you do, I’m gonna kick your ass.�

“You sound like Devin,� I let slip out with a chortle. Her small, black eyes darted up at me and then back to the floor. “I mean–.�

“Hey, that’s a compliment for me,� she inserted, saving the awkward moment. “I think she’s awesome.�

“Yeah?�

“You knew it before I did.�

“Yeah, but after what she did to you, I’m just surprised...�

“It’s called forgiveness,� she answered. “Plus, anyone that has the balls to stand on my doorstep and make me listen to them, must be somethin’ special.�

“She came to your house?� I asked in astonishment.

“At eight in the fuckin’ morning, too.�

“Damn.�

“Exactly.�

I laughed and let my legs fall back to the floor so that they were surrounding either side of Mikey’s crosslegged form. “So what did she say to you?�

“Well... she said a lot. We had an awesome talk, actually.�

“Oh, really?�

“Mhmm,� she replied, playing with the white shoe laces on my white Forces. “The first thing she told me was that I had to listen to her because she made a mistake and lost the first thing her heart’s been connected to in a long time. And she said that even if I wanted to make that mistake, she wasn’t willing to let it happen to you.�

“To me?� I asked.

“To you.� She licked her full lips, staring at herself in the mirror behind me. “That girl loves you, you know.�

“Devin? Nah.� I shook my head because it was too good to be true. Not Devin Delfino. “I’m sure she meant it when she said she wanted me, and that was only because she had competition. But love? Me? No way.�

“She does,� Mikey countered. “She told me those lies because she wanted you. Fucked up as it was, she did it out of love.�

“No, she did it out of selfishness and being used to getting what she wants.�

“I don’t think so...�

“Trust me.�

“I trust you,� she confirmed with a nod. We sat in silence for about fifty-nine seconds before she said, “So who was her competition?�

“What?�

“You said that she only wanted you ‘cause she had competition. Who was it?�

“You know,� I smiled, biting my bottom lip, “...don’t you?�

“Summer?�

My eyes widened at the fact that she even knew Summer’s name. “You know about her?�

“I’m tellin’ you, me and Devin got to talkin’ in a big way.�

That girl and her mouth. It’s always gettin’ me into shit. “No, Summer is not her competition,� I said sadly, rolling my eyes.

“Is she a sore spot that I shouldn’t have brought up?�

Definitely. “Nah, it’s cool,� I smiled. “We just have issues. But hey, who doesn’t?�

“Yeah.� She comforted me with understanding eyes. I dunno where the hell it came from so suddenly, but a tear rushed down my cheek before I quickly wiped it away, hoping Mikey hadn’t noticed it. “Was she one of the great loves of your life?� she questioned.

“Hell no,� I quipped. “I mean... No, nothing like that.�

“You... hate her so much it makes you wanna cry?� she smiled. “Come on, what’s wrong, J?�

“Nothin’,� I said, scratching the hair that created my goatee. “Just a bad thought.�

“Okay.�

“Michaela, if I tell you somethin’... I mean – I can trust you right?� I don’t know why I asked that. I knew I could.

“Always.�

There was this aura that surrounded her – this wide-eyed longing to know and willingness to just be there – that made me feel like I didn’t have to hold back. I just wanted to pour my soul out and let her tiny brown eyes make everything better. And if I didn’t tell someone soon, I was gonna go insane. So I just spit it out. “Mikey, I have a baby,� I blurted, feeling this immense weight being lifted off of my back when the words finally escaped my lips.

“A baby what?�

“A baby. Like a baby boy or girl,� I answered, wondering if I had just given her too much to digest.

“Okay...� she slowly nodded. “What... I mean – Umm... Well. Uhh, okay?�

“You’re the first person I’ve told,� I admitted. “Not even my mom knows.�

“Are you kidding me!� she asked with wide eyes. “No one else knows?�

“Not from me.�

“Not Trace?�

“Nope.�

“Not Devin?�

“Nope. I’ve been too scared to tell anyone.�

“Too scared? Or too ashamed?�

I looked up at the ceiling and sniffled air as I pondered her question. “Both.�

“Wow.�

“I know.�

“So, where is he? Or she?�

“I don’t know,� I answered pitifully. “I don’t even know whether the baby is a he or a she.�

“How old is he... Or she?�

I shrugged, feeling insanely lame for knowing absolutely nothing. “I don’t know.�

“Why the hell not, Justin? Why are you makin’ bets and gettin’ head on the dance floor when you got a baby somewhere?�

“‘Cause... I’m an idiot.�

“Lame excuse. When are you gonna get a new one?�

“That’s all I got,� I sighed. “Somehow, while I was into all my other shit, gettin’ famous and gettin’ paid, I lost track of time and forgot to grow up.� I stared intently at her, insisting that this was my truth. “You know, time is a tricky thing. It’ll put your head in two places at once and really fuck you up.�

“That’s still no excuse.�

“You’re right – it’s not. But it’s the truth. I’ve spent years perpetuating the falsehood that my life is all good. I convinced myself that I had my shit in check and that time would eventually solve anything that wasn’t already perfect. But it’s not,� I explained with raised eyebrows. “I made a mistake one night that time just can’t erase. I fell short and created a destiny that I wasn’t ready for. And then, I tried to ignore it.�

“How so?�

“When Summer told me she was pregnant, I told her to get rid of it and leave me alone –.�

“What!� she yelled, once again. “How could you?�

“I’m not being modest when I say that I’m stupid,� I chuckled. “But after a while, I found my head a little. I wanted to be a part of the baby’s life. But I was too late.�

“How could it be too late?� she interrupted.

“Summer just doesn’t wanna deal with me and my shit anymore. Like I said, we got issues.�

“No, she got issues,� Mikey corrected me. “She can’t just take away your child.�

“She can if she knows I don’t want this to become a legal battle; if she knows that I want it to stay out of public. If she knows that, then she knows she’s got my hands tied.�

“Dude, that’s fucked up.� I nodded along with her, fighting those pending tears burning the back of my head. “I’m so sorry, J.�

“I’ve come to terms with it,� I rationed. “Shit still hurts, though.�

“It should still hurt.�

“I wish it didn’t.�

“That’s like wishing not to have a heart.�

“It would be easier,� I tried to smile.

“So damn, you haven’t told your mom yet?�

I shook my head, staring absently at our blurred reflections in the shiny floor. “I couldn’t.�

“Of course you could. She’s your mother.�

“I couldn’t,� I repeated. “I mean, obviously, she would’ve been there no matter what, but I couldn’t bear to tell her. I could just envision that face – the disappointment in her eyes. I couldn’t watch myself break her heart; I couldn’t fail her, of all people.�

“So, you’re just not gonna mention it?�

“I dunno,� I shrugged. “I mean, how do you tell your best friend that you kept the biggest secret of your life from them?�

“Same way you told me. Just blurt it out and hope for understanding.�

“Mikey, I can’t.�

“You can.�

“She’ll be devastated.�

“What was that you told me? ‘Love means being open to utter devastation and destruction’?�

“Yeah...�

“No one walking this Earth’s surface loves your more than your mama. Just trust her enough to tell her.� I sighed at the insane notion, feeling the weight that had just been lifted come crashing back down. “Plus, maybe she can help.�

“Doubt it. Summer would ignore my mama, too. Just ‘cause she made me.�

“Well... then, maybe I can help.�

It’s this one thing that got me trippin’
It’s this one thing that got me trippin’ you did
This one thing my soul may be feeling
It’s this one thing you did

Three days later, I was sitting in my bathroom, getting a haircut when my mom walked in with the cordless to tell me that Michaela wanted to talk to me. Happily, I took the phone from her, as I hadn’t spoken to her in at least twenty hours. “What’s up?� I answered, smiling while Trace buzzed around my head.

“Hey, are you busy?�

“Not at the moment, not really. Why?�

“Well, a surprise is on it’s way to you,� I could hear her smile.

“What kind of surprise?�

“A surprise. What kind of surprises are there?�

“Is it a good one?� I hopefully asked.

“It’s a great one. You gonna be around for a while?�

I checked the time, seeing that it was nearing noon and time was quickly slipping away from me... as usual. “I gotta head to this award show around four, but I’m home until then.�

“Well... I guess that’s long enough,� she decided. “I’ll see you soon, okay?�

“Okay.�

“And listen, you might wanna get your mom and whoever else is there out of the house.�

“What kinda freaky ass shit are you up to?� I laughed.

“It ain’t even close to that,� she chuckled back. “Just trust me. I’ll be there in like an hour.�

“Later,� I replied, pressing the phone off.

“What was that about?� Trace asked, running over my newly shaven head with a soft-bristled brush.

“I’m not sure yet,� I said honestly. “But you gotta go.�

“Go where?�

“Anywhere but here.�

“Oh, another booty call. I see.�

“Actually,� I started, “I don’t think that’s it at all.�

It’s this one thing that caught me slippin’
It’s this one thing you did

About two minutes shy of an hour, the buzz at my front gate sounded, and via the surveillance camera, I saw Mikey’s ear-to-ear grin as she sat in the driver’s seat of her rented Dodge Durango. I let her onto the estate and then patiently waited for her to ring the doorbell before swinging it open quickly to see those twinkling eyes shining back.

“Hey,� I grinned brightly, admiring her second all white outfit in the past three days. “How are you?�

She smiled and pulled me in for a hug, whispering to me, “It’s a girl.�

I pulled back from her, a little dazed, a little confused. “What?�

She turned to face the walkway behind her while I looked on in befuddlement. But then, I heard the sound of footsteps against the gravel before Summer’s chocolate face came into view, and in her arms she enveloped a small, blanket-covered bundle that she looked down and smiled at every two seconds.

Mikey turned back to me to watch the expression on my face as it froze into shock. “You okay, J?�

I nodded, watching Summer walk up the few steps it took to reach me before handing me our baby. “Justin, I’d like you to meet Jailyn.�

What a feeling of vulnerability coming over me
And I’m feeling weak and I can’t speak

The tiny angel stirred as she switched from one parents’ arms to the other, opening her wide hazel eyes to stare at me. She was more gorgeous and more perfect than I ever could’ve expected as she gave me a toothless little grin, and held onto my pinky while I studied everything about her.

“Maybe we should go inside,� Michaela suggested, eyeing the premises. “You never know who’s out here.�

Without a response, I followed her into my house while Summer trailed me and we headed to the living room where I ogled over my... daughter. My daughter? Shit dude, I had a daughter. Am I the only one that that sounded completely insane to? “Jailyn,� I said out loud, lightly running my fingers over the soft, light brown hair that covered her delicate crown. “She’s gorgeous,� I commented.

“Thanks to you,� Summer answered awkwardly, crossing her legs as she sat across from me. “I haven’t given her a middle name yet because I wanted to wait on you.�

“But I thought –.�

“Look, as much as I want to, I don’t have it in my heart to hate you,� she explained. “Even if Michaela hadn’t come to me, I would’ve called you eventually.�

“Thank you,� I nodded and then turned to Mikey, hoping I didn’t pull a punk move and cry in front of her again. “And thank you.�

“Don’t mention it,� she grinned, rubbing my back. “Seeing the look on your face right now is enough of a thanks.�

I looked back down at Jailyn, falling in love with every little facet of her round, light brown face. I watched her teeny eyelashes flutter and her little mouth twist around as she tried to go back to sleep; her mini fingers with miniature nails, still wrapped tightly around the only finger on my hand she could grab completely; the rise and fall of her entire body in her pink jumpsuit as she breathed in and out, inhaling the new world that she was now a part of.

Never thought I’d give in so willingly to a human being
With abilities to set me free and let me be me

“When was she born?� I finally asked, not letting her face out of my gaze.

“Eight days ago,� Summer said quietly. “The 28th at 2:09PM.�

“Wow.�

“Seven pounds, four ounces; seventeen inches,� she added. “Four excruciating hours.�

“Just four?� Michaela asked. “That’s amazing; I thought it took at least ten or fifteen.�

“She wanted to come out and see the world,� I interjected. I honestly couldn’t tear my eyes away from her, for even a second. She simply laid in my arms, trying her best to find slumber, but God, she was so perfect; so gorgeously engaging. And she was mine. I’d just fallen in love.

Your lips, your eyes, your smile, your kiss
I must admit, it’s a part of me
You please me, complete me, filling me like a melody
Your soul, your flow, your youth, your truth
It’s simply proof we were meant to be
But the best quality that’s hooking me is that you’re loving me for me

“Mikey, I absolutely cannot thank you enough for everything you’ve done,� I said into my cell, riding down Laurel Canyon towards the gas station.

“Justin, you’ve been thanking me for the past five days. It really was nothing.�

“It was far from nothing,� I disputed. “Do you know how amazing the past five days have been, spending them with my daughter?�

“I can only imagine. I’m just glad I could help.�

“I can’t believe you got her to come all the way from Virginia...�

“Well, from the way you talked about Summer, I thought it was gonna be a huge battle, but she was really understanding and really gracious about everything,� she explained. “Maybe she just needed to get the baby out of her in order to get some perspective about things.�

“Maybe so,� I sighed lightly. “I still owe you my life for sticking your neck out there for me, though.�

“Honestly, J, it was my pleasure.�

“So hey, what do you think about the name Jailyn Rose?�

“It’s gorgeous,� she answered animatedly. “Rose is my middle name, too.�

“I know. That’s why I picked it.�

“Shut up! For real?�

“It’s the least I can do.�

“Justin, you’ve done enough,� she chuckled. “Thank you for the ten dozen white roses, by the way. They’re beautiful.�

“So are you,� I grinned, just imagining the way her smile was probably illuminating her hotel room at that very moment. “Hey, what are you doing tonight?�

“I’m hanging out with a friend,� she said informatively, adding, “if that’s all right with you.�

“Why wouldn’t it be,� I shot back. Even though my heart sank a little bit, I couldn’t tell her she couldn’t go. Could I? “What friends do you have out here? You meet a guy or somethin’?�

“Actually, it’s Devin.�

I damn near hit the brakes and froze in the middle of the street at the simple thought of the two of them hanging out together. “You’re goin’ out with Devin? Why?�

“Well, we’re stayin’ in the same hotel and kept bumpin’ into each other, so we just decided to make it official and hit up The Strip tonight.�

With that said, I immediately swerved into the left lane to turn onto Sunset Boulevard and head for the Hyatt, where Mikey, and apparently, Devin were staying at the moment. “And when do you go back to Memphis?�

“Sunday morning. Unfortunately.�

“That is unfortunate,� I absently commented, trying to keep my whereabouts a secret from her. “When do you finish with school for the summer?�

“Not ‘til the middle of May.�

“And I’ll be gone to England by then. Damn.�

“Maybe I can come see you out there,� she suggested innocently. “If you want me to.�

“Yeah, that would be awesome.� I swiftly pulled into the circular drive-up of the moderately swanky hotel, stopping at the entrance for the valet to take it from there while I quietly and quickly paced through the mellow lobby and onto the elevator, hoping that it didn’t make any elevator-defining sounds as I continued our conversation. “Hopefully, I’ll have some time to hang out with you.�

“You think you won’t?�

“Well, you know how tours can be.�

“No, actually, I don’t,� she giggled. “But I guess I’ll find out this summer.�

“That’s a good guess,� I said lamely, heading for the eleventh floor. “So, what are you doing until you and Devin go out?�

“I dunno. Just roll around this big ass bed until night falls.�

“I like the sound of that,� I playfully admitted, imagining her in that bed – with me, that is. “You want some company?�

“Not unless it’s yours.�

As I made the right off the elevator, heading for her spot at Room 1159, I said softly with a knock on her door, “That can be arranged.�

“Then come on over,� she nonchalantly invited. “I’m here until tonight; Devin said she’d be here around 9:00.�

I could hear her coming towards the door, so I didn’t answer, but plastered a huge goofy grin on my face so that my excitement to see her would be the first thing she noted when she swung that door open.

And it was. The second she spotted me, her tiny eyes lit up to match her blinding smile before she pulled me into the room for a huge hug, as if we hadn’t just seen one another the day before. “What the hell are you doin’ here!�

“You said you could use some company,� I grinned, rubbing her back. “How you doin’?�

“A little better than I was two minutes ago.� We both flipped our phones closed and walked further into the large room, decorated in the flowers I’d sent, her taking a seat on the black and gray couch beside us. “I was just about to watch ‘Brown Sugar’.�

“That’s a movie?�

“Yeah,� she nodded, patting the open space beside her. “You’ll like it. Come sit down.�

I smiled at her instinctual comfort with me. Most girls that I’ve met since becoming famous have always had apprehension surrounding them. Mikey treats me like one of her boys from Memphis. And in turn, I can look at her as just a homegirl from around the way – kinda like me and Devin, minus the total infatuation I had for her. Although, even the infatuation part of the equation was starting to come into play for me and Michaela these days.

Oh, been tryin’ to let it go
Tryin’ to keep my eyes closed
Tryin’ to keep it just like before

And trust me, I’m not trying to make it happen. Last thing I want is to be fallin’ for anyone else. I have a daughter now, so I don’t need anything else. It’s a long distance relationship that’ll break my heart each and every time we have to say goodbye, but Jailyn is my highest priority, and she’s what counts most in my little world.

Mikey just has something about her that keeps me completely engrossed. There are all these different layers to her. On the outside, she’s a badass that’s not gonna let anyone fuck with her; but over the past few months, I’ve had the pleasure of uncovering what lies beneath, and I’ve found that she’s a very sweet, compassionate and giving soul when she thinks nobody’s looking. I mean, how many people out there could go to a complete stranger and convince them that their baby should have a relationship with its father? It still boggles my mind that she did that for me.

It’s this one thing that got me trippin’
It’s this one thing that got me trippin’ you did
This one thing my soul may be feelin’
It’s this one thing you did

“Why are you lookin’ at me like that?� Mikey questioned, not taking her eyes off of the television screen. “Somethin’ on my face?�

“There’s nothin’ on your face,� I chuckled softly.

“Well, what’s up?� She finally turned from the movie and faced me with curiosity in her eyes. “What’s goin’ on in that big head of yours?�

I shook my head slightly, directing my attention past the top of her head. “Nothin’.�

“How ‘bout some eye contact, J.�

Taking her direction, I stared directly into her dark eyes, trying to relay a smile that let her know I was fine. “Better?�

“A little.�

“Now why you lookin’ at me like that?� I laughed.

“I’m just studying you for a minute. Is that okay?�

“It’s fine.�

“You look like you have somethin’ you wanna say.�

Don’t wanna tell you what it is

“It’s nothin’,� I repeated, trying to convince myself before even attempting to make her believe it. “I’m just finding you incredibly gorgeous right now.�

“What? Shut up,� she laughed, scratching the back of her head that had been covered in untamed curls. “I look like crap.�

Well, she wasn’t dressed in an evening gown, but I found her sweat pants and tank top to be very endearing. But just to avoid saying anything else agonizingly corny, I let my lips do the talking and took a dive for her mouth.

The first kiss always has that unexpected magic surrounding it. Once again, I felt like I’d just freed myself from some sort of captivity – the imprisonment of not knowing what the hell to say anymore. Our lips touched and we just sort of melted into one another; like we had both been waiting for it since November but never knew how to initiate it. I didn’t hear any Marvin Gaye, but I felt a type of butterfly flutter that I hadn’t felt since I was fifteen.

Ooh wee, it felt so serious

“Finally,� she sighed, falling to the back of the couch once we pulled apart.

“Finally?�

“I’ve been waiting for that moment since I saw you on TRL like three years ago,� she laughed.

“You’re funny,� I chuckled, leaning to the opposite side of the sofa.

“Well hey, it’s true.� She stretched her long legs across my lap, turning off the second movie we’d been watching so that the room was completely quiet and the dark of the evening began to settle in through the large windows. “So, how was it for you?�

“How was what? The kiss?�

“Yeah. What did you think?�

“Could’ve been better,� I joked with a shrug. “Maybe we should try it again.�

“Maybe so,� she agreed, springing her petite body from its position on the sofa to sit up and face me. “Am I starting it this time?�

“You can’t ask a question like that. It can’t be contrived,� I told her. “It’ll just happen when it’s supposed to happen.�

“Oh, so I have to wait another four months for another kiss is what you’re saying.�

Grinning, I defended, “That is not what I said.�

“So what you sayin’ then?�

“I’m sayin’ shut up and kiss me,� I instructed with a smirk.

She instantly repositioned herself to a straddle my hips and cupped my face before consuming my small lips with her tongue. She licked them quickly and then massaged her tongue into my mouth by way of force while my lips openly and warmly accepted. As our tongues wrestled and my fingers instinctively trickled up her shirt, I involuntarily let my mind wander to the fact that this was where so many of my ruined relationships started going downhill. These random, meaningless hookups always turn to sudden, bittersweet breakups. I didn’t want that to happen to me and Michaela, by any means.

Got me thinkin’ just too much

But how was I supposed to stop?

I wanna set it off, but...

I guess a knock at the door would’ve done it. “It’s housekeeping, bitch. Open the door!� From the hallway, I easily recognized the voice as that of Devin and once again, my heart leapt about ten feet, just from the thought of seeing her.

“I gotta get outta here,� I whispered, pulling away from Mikey’s lips. “I gotta go.�

“What? Why?�

“‘Cause Devin’s here and I just can’t see her right now.�

“Michaela Woods,� Devin continued to proclaim, “I know your little ass is in there. Let me in, I gotta pee, girl!�

“I’m coming,� Mikey shot back to appease her. “Justin, why can’t you see her? Isn’t she your friend?�

“I don’t know what she is. But, I’m just – I – I can’t see her,� I sputtered. “Can you try to get rid of her?�

It’s this one thing that got me trippin’

Very slowly, she climbed off of me, wiping her swollen lips as she headed to the front of the room. “Hey, Devin,� she smiled, opening the door. “You’re early, aren’t you?�

“I know I said 9:00, but I just got back to the hotel and I thought I’d stop by before I headed all the way up to my floor, just in case you were ready.�

“Oh...�

“You busy?�

“A little,� Mikey admitted. “I can be ready in like ten minutes, though.�

“Awesome. But do you mind if I use your restroom? I had like two smoothies in the past hour and I have to go so bad.�

Don’t let her in, Mikey. Don’t let her in. “Sure,� she agreed, opening the door wider so that Devin could come in. What the fuck is she doing?

As Devin scurried into the room, wearing an outfit almost identical to Michaela’s, she got all the way to the bathroom door before spotting me sitting nervously on the couch and turned back around. “Hey, Justin.�

“Hey,� I said quietly, watching Mikey close the door and stand in the middle of the room to observe the two of us. “Long time, no see.�

“Yeah, no shit,� she nodded, beginning to wrap her brown and blonde curls into a ponytail. “How have you been?�

“Good.�

“You look good.�

“So do you,� I replied, looking down.

“I called you the other day. Did you get my message?�

“Yeah. Sorry I didn’t–.�

“Don’t worry about it,� she grinned brightly. “I just wanted to tell you how much ass you kicked at the Soul Train Awards on Saturday.�

“Really?�

“Hell yeah, dude.�

“Thanks.�

“Well, I hate to be rude,� she began, “and I’m so sorry I interrupted you guys, but I’m just gonna use the bathroom and get outta y’all’s way.�

“You didn’t interrupt anything,� I stupidly denied, already knowing that I was receiving a glare from Michaela. “I’m the one imposing on your time together.�

“No, no, I’m sure Mikey would much rather be with you than me,� she laughed. “You wanna hang out some other time?� she asked her.

“No, tonight’s good. I suddenly felt the need for a Girls Only night.�

“You sure?�

“Absolutely positive,� she emphasized, staring coldly at me. “Justin, perhaps you should go. Me and Devin have plans.�

“Oh God, don’t kick him out on my account,� Devin protested. “In fact, why don’t I just go up to my room and pee. Mikey, you wanna meet in the lobby in like fifteen?�

“Sure,� she agreed.

“Okay. Justin, maybe we’ll talk later?� she asked.

“Call me when you get back tonight,� I nodded. “Or... whenever.�

She smiled again, her light blue eyes twinkling in a way that told me things between us could actually go back to normal. Or whatever we were before our awesome sex messed shit up. “If that’s what you want.�

“I do.�

“Mikey, I’ll see you soon.� I carefully watched her quickly exit the room in a puff of her same fruity scent and carefree attitude that she always had going for her.

“So were you gonna wait for me to leave the room or fuck her right there on the couch?� Mikey demanded, interrupting my thoughts.

“What?�

“She didn’t interrupt anything? Could you be any more obvious?�

“Well, you’re the one that let her in!�

“She was dancing in circles and asked if she could use the bathroom. What was I supposed to say?�

“How about ‘No’?�

“Justin, that’s rude.�

“You would’ve said it to me if the tables had been turned. Why couldn’t you tell her?�

“Because... it would’ve been rude,� she awkardly repeated.

“She’s been rude to you. You can do it back to her.�

“No, I can’t. Two wrongs don’t make a right.� She began to dig her bare feet into the black and gray carpet, very obviously displacing her nervous energy. “And plus, she apologized to me. And as you can see, we’re cool now.�

“Uh huh.� I wasn’t convinced.

“What?�

“Did she threaten you or somethin’? ‘Cause she’s pretty much all talk, if that’s what you’re worried about.�

“Didn’t nobody threaten me,� she quipped. “I just – look, I gotta go meet her soon, so maybe you should get goin’.�

“Are you scared of Devin?�

“No!�

“Yes you are!�

“I am not.�

“How about some eye contact, sweetheart.�

She looked up from the floor and stared from across the room, but not at me. “I’m not scared of her.�

“Not even a little?�

“Well...� She took that opportunity to oddly pace towards her suitcase and dig through it to ignore my question.

“Michaela?�

“What?� she snapped.

After the harshness of our awkward silence subsided a bit, I told her, “It’s okay if she intimidates you a little. She scares me, too.�

“I’m not scared of her,� she sniffled, still palming through her bag. “I’m scared of you when it comes to her. I’m scared of what happens to me when you see her, hear her, think about her. I wonder if I still exist.�

“Are you kidding me?�

“Not at all.� She finally turned to face me with the threat of tears glistening in her eyes. “I can’t compete with her, Justin. So, if that’s what you’re gonna turn this into, why don’t you just let me know now so I don’t waste my time trying.�

“Mikey, what are you talking about? Me and Devin are just friends.�

“And so are you and me. But we both know where this is going if we don’t watch it.�

“And where is that?�

“Well, I can’t speak for you, but my feelings are already formed. I can keep them in check for now, but I see them quickly getting out of hand if we carry on this way.�

I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant. I was already leaving the ground, if you know what I mean. “Listen, I can’t predict the future, Mikey. But I guarantee you, you do not have to compete with Devin.�

“Honestly, Justin?�

“Honestly.� I rose from the sofa to give her a tight, sincere embrace, complete with a kiss to the forehead. “Y’all have fun, okay?�

“It’s Devin. I’m sure we will,� she smiled. “I’ll call you in the morning.�

I picked up my Pony hat and my valet ticket from the coffee table and headed out of the door for the lobby. I still haven’t figured out whether it was good or bad luck that had me catch the same elevator as Devin, but some kind of fate put us together when I planned to just leave the hotel.

When you leave, I’m beggin’ you not to go
Call your name two or three times in a row

“Fancy meeting you here,� I smiled, stepping onto the car with her, wearing the same sweat pants and wifebeater outfit she’d had on in Mikey’s room.

“Why you followin’ me,� she grinned, pressing the button for the lobby again.

“You wish I was followin’ you, girl.�

“That’s very true. Which must be why you are.�

“Cute.�

“So now that you’re done with your booty call for tonight, where are you off to?�

“That wasn’t a booty call,� I negated. “We were just hangin’ out.�

“And makin’ out.� She wiped my lip with the top of her finger. “You had a little lip gloss...�

“Oh, thanks,� I chuckled.

More silence enveloped the elevator as our short ride to the lobby came to a close. But as Devin always does, she broke the quiet with her voice. “Justin, I don’t know if you ever really accepted my apology, but I’m sorry for screwin’ with you and Mikey like that.�

“Please,� I dismissed. “We’re so far past that. We’re getting along great now.�

“I can see that,� she laughed, walking into the lobby towards a pair of open seats in the far right corner of the hotel. “Clearly, you’re getting it on just great.�

“No, we’re friends.�

“I’m sure.�

“Hey, she told me what you said, and I really appreciate that.�

“I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.�

“Well, you didn’t have to say it at all,� I said, taking a seat in the chair I knew she was about to take.

“Bitch, that’s my seat.�

“It’s mine now.�

“Justin!�

“I’m sittin’ here. It’s gone, baby.�

“The hell you say,� she countered loudly, squeezing into the wide seat with me. “Move your skinny ass over.�

“Move your fat ass to another chair,� I demanded, laughing as she tried to push me over while I shoved her rear in the opposite direction.

“I’m gonna kick you in a minute,� she cackled, just before we both went crashing to the lobby floor. We continued to laugh at our ridiculousness until she elbowed me in the stomach with a wide grin. “Shit like this is why I’ve missed your stupid ass.�

“I’ve missed you, too,� I finally told her, smiling back. “Maybe this time you’ll stick around.�

Such a funny thing for me to try and explain
How I’m feelin’ and my pride is the one to blame

“You’re stuck with me all summer, homeboy. You don’t have a choice.�

I thought Devin was finally becoming a closed chapter in my life; I thought I was getting over her and able to maybe move on with Michaela if I chose to, but damn me for not being able to resist her ass; no matter how hard I tried, I had a neverending habit of falling for her charm. And it seemed that the feeling was mutual. Maybe Mikey does have something to worry about.

It’s the beat that my heart skips when I’m with you
But I still don’t understand
Just how your love can do what no one else can
Got me lookin’ so crazy right now


Lyrics:
“1 Thing� - Amerie (Touch)
“Loving Me 4 Me� - Christina Aguilera (Stripped)
“Crazy In Love� - Beyonce (Dangerously In Love)

“Gorgeous baby,� Devin commented from my doorway, startling me when she entered my bedroom as I rifled through pictures of Jailyn from the previous week. “Whose is it?�

“What?�

“Whose gorgeous little girl are you staring down?� she grinned.

Immediately, I dropped the pictures to my night stand and turned to face her. “You know my friend, Silas?�

“Your A&R guy, yeah. He had a baby?�

“Well, his wife did,� I lied, chuckling. “She’s the cutest thing ever.�

Devin strutted towards the end table I’d placed the shots on to look down at my gorgeous little girl. “She really is,� she marveled. “Is his wife white? She looks biracial.�

“Umm. Sure.�

“Do you not know her?� she smiled, looking back to me.

Well, she doesn’t exist. “No, his wife is white.�

“God, that is a beautiful baby,� she repeated. “What’s her name?�

“Jailyn,� I said simply. “She’ll be two months at the end of the month.�

She took a hefty plop onto my king-sized bed, kicking off her Shox as she crossed her long legs. “Are you her godfather or somethin’?�

More like her father. “Nah, I just love her,� I stated genuinely.

“You’re gonna be an amazing dad someday,� she grinned. “I can see it already.�

I’m trying. “I appreciate that.�

“So anyway,� she sighed, “thanks for lettin’ me use your car. I left the keys on the kitchen counter.�

“Thanks,� I answered, still blankly staring at Jailyn’s pictures.

“I kinda didn’t fill up the tank, though...�

“That’s gonna cost you.�

“Dude, if I had money, I would’ve gotten the damn gas,� she chuckled.

With a playful wiggle of my eyebrows, I told her, “I didn’t say it would cost you money.�

“Well, that’s all I’d give you, baby. I ain’t even tryin’ to repeat what happened to us last summer.�

“Which was your fault, by the way.�

“I’m fully aware of that,� she admitted. “And I’m still sorry for it–.�

“You don’t have to apologize.�

“So anyway,� she said again, cumbrously switching subjects, “what time do your rehearsals start?�

“I gotta go in at 1:00. You?�

“We start at 1:00, too. But Christina is always late, so that means we usually have a two hour window to be there on time.�

I laughed knowingly – Christina’s been on diva time since we were kids. “So what are you doin’ until then?�

“Hangin’ out here, if you don’t mind. I told my friend, Telisha, to pick me up at 2:00.�

“Girl, you need a car.�

“No shit,� she scoffed. “I need a place to stay, too. The Hyatt ain’t cheap.�

“You know you always have a place here.�

“No, no, no. I’m fine for now. After the tour, my parents suggested me looking for a place out here, so that’s what I’m gonna do. ‘Til then, my paycheck is fine with my hotel room.�

“You too good to stay with me now?� I chided, staring into her smiling eyes. “I’m not fun enough for you?�

“Shut up. I just don’t wanna impose on the bachelorhood of you and Trace. I’d be fuckin’ with your pimp mode.�

“That is true,� I laughed.

Laughing and staring back at me in the same manner, she noticed, “It’s incredible how dorky and cute you can be at the same damn time.�

“Nah, I’m just kidding. My pimp status is pretty nonexistent these days.�

“Oh right, I forgot you suddenly became a one-woman man for Michaela.� She uncrossed her legs and let them dangle off the side of my bed. “How’s she doing?�

“She’s good,� I nodded. “And I’m not a one-woman man. I just... I dunno.�

“You just don’t have sex with anyone but her.�

“To be perfectly honest, I haven’t had sex with her yet.�

“You have another virgin on your hands?�

“No, not at all.�

“Is she sick?� she questioned, wrinkling her nose in confusion. “Are you sick?�

“No,� I laughed.

“Well what the hell are y’all waiting for?�

“We just have a relationship that goes beyond a meaningless one night stand. I don’t need sex to be satisfied with her company.�

“I see,� she said quietly.

Is she the reason you don’t call like you used to?
Fall through my hood like you used to?
Or put it on me hard like you used to do?

“I can’t wait ‘til she gets out of school,� I went on to say, not really thinking before my words came stumbling out of my mouth. “It feels like I haven’t seen her in forever.�

“Are y’all like ‘official’ or whatever?�

“Nah, nothin’ like that. If I knew she could handle it, I think I’d be willing to take it there, though.�

“Wow...�

I looked at Devin’s despondent expression – lowered head and eyes – and asked, “Wow, what?�

“I just didn’t think you would ever get to that point,� she chuckled uneasily, playing with loose thread on my wrinkled navy blue sheets. “It’s weird to hear you talk like this.�

“Oh, sorry...�

“No, it’s okay,� she quickly countered. “Just... weird.�

“Oh, okay.�

“Last time you felt like this was probably when you were with Britney, huh?�

Shaking my head, I lightly knocked her foot with my own. “You’d be surprised.�

“Trust me, I already am.�

We continued to grin stupidly at one another until the vibration of my cell phone against my dresser interrupted us. “Excuse me,� I requested before leaping over my bed to the other side of my huge room to catch the call in time. “Hello?�

“Justin, how are you today?� my manager greeted pleasantly.

“I’m pretty good, Johnny.� I smiled, glancing behind me to where Devin was wiping her face. “What’s up?�

“I have a proposition for you...�

“Uh oh.�

“It’s nothing bad.�

“So you say,� I chuckled. “But okay, what is it?�

“What do you think about Cameron Diaz?�

“She’s hot,� I answered without even thinking about it. “Why?�

“I have a message from her publicist asking if you’d wanna hang out with her for a few weeks.�

“She wants to hang out with me?� I laughed. “Now that’s funny.�

“You up for it?�

“What do I have to do?�

“Whatever you wanna do. Just... be seen together.�

I sighed heavily and rolled my neck a few times before noticing that Devin had started to thumb through the entire bundle of pictures that had been sitting on my night stand, thereby becoming totally distracted. “Umm. Sure, man. Whatever.�

“All right. I know you have that photo shoot with Christina before the awards on Saturday, but do you think you could hang out with her after the show?�

“Hang out with Christina?�

“Diaz,� he corrected me. “She’s gonna be there.�

“Oh.�

“So I can confirm this?�

“Wait, what show?� I was so confused.

“The Kids Choice Awards, Justin. You do know you’re performing, don’t you?�

“Oh, right. Yeah.�

“Okay, so I’m sure her people will be expecting a headline after that. Do what you do best.�

“I got you,� I nodded.

“I hope so.�

Laughing, I told him goodbye and hung up the phone, noticing that noon had already snuck up on me. “So hey,� I said to Devin, inwardly begging for her to put the pictures down before she got the... picture, so to speak, “you wanna grab some lunch and then head to Center Staging?�

“No, you can go on. Like I said, I got someone comin’.�

“Well, you can save Telisha a ride and roll with me.�

“But then I’d be there two hours early,� she maintained. “It’s really okay.�

“You can watch my rehearsals then. – Since you won’t get to see the show until June.�

“I wish I had time to come to England and see you, but I’m in rehearsal for all of May.�

“No, I know,� I dismissed. “Plus, Mikey’s comin’ out, so it’s probably for the best.�

“Oh, of course she is,� she said loudly, dropping the pictures back to their original spot.

Is she the reason that my calls couldn’t reach you?
The deepest of my love couldn’t please you?
Or bring it to me home like you used to do?

“You okay?� I decided to question, feeling a tension wash over us in the past half a minute.

“Yeah, man. I’m fine.�

“Really? ‘Cause whenever Mikey’s name is mentioned, you seem to get weird.�

She sighed and swept her hands over her manila face. “I’m fine,� she reiterated, picking up her shoes from the wooden floor. “Let’s just go, okay?� Before I could respond, she flew out of the room as fast as her long legs would carry her. And I could be wrong, but I would’ve bet that I heard her sniffle as she headed down the stairs. I know I don’t know much when it comes to Devin’s emotional highs and lows, but I knew that she was anything but fine.

Me seein’ her fallin’ for your charm got me feelin’ like I wasn’t good enough

Well, Saturday quickly approached and as nerve-racking as it was, I was en route to hanging out with Cameron Diaz. As planned, we connected backstage at the Kid’s Choice Awards and we decided to afterwards chill at Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles and talk a little bit. I couldn’t figure out what a woman like that would want with my 22-year-old ass, being that she had to be in her thirties by now, but I wasn’t gonna fight it. Shit, it was Cameron Diaz.

I walked into Roscoe’s, trying to hide my usual cocky exterior because I knew that it wouldn’t faze someone like Cameron. So I played it cool. Spotting her teal newsboy cap that had been perched awkwardly over her long blonde locks all evening, I headed in the direction of the booth she’d chosen, startling her by whizzing past her before sitting down.

“Hey!� she smiled animatedly, playing with empty straw paper.

“Good to see you again,� I smiled, taking a seat.

“You got rid of your bubble wrap,� she commented.

“What?� I asked in confusion. “Oh, you mean my vest.�

“Yeah, that was a good look for you.�

“Well, I just needed it to stay warm inside. I’m good now,� I nodded.

“Oh yes, because God forbid you get cold in April in LA,� she guffawed. “Where are you from again?�

“Tennessee.�

“And that’s...�

“Kinda mid-south; next to North Carolina, underneath Kentucky...�

“Not ringin’ any bells,� she laughed loudly. “You’ll have to take me there sometime. I’m a Cali girl, born and raised.�

“Are you from Los Angeles?�

“San Diego, baby!� She raised her arms in a victorious position as if her city had recently won something, smiling to match her tone. “But then, I think the entire state is just amazing. There’s nothing in the world like driving California from top to bottom.�

“You’ve done that?� I marveled.

“Many times,� she beamed. “It’s the most amazing trip.�

Not really caring one way or another anymore, I absently stated, “Sounds like fun.�

“Really? We should arrange it sometime.�

Uhh... “Yeah.�

“So anyway, tell me about Tennessee. The only part of the South I’ve been to is Miami and that’s hardly Southern.�

“You wanna hear about Memphis?�

“Is that where you’re from?� I nodded emphatically, while she took a sip from her cup of what looked like Coke. “Then yes, tell me about Memphis.�

Tell me how many times in your life
Will you get an opportunity like this tonight
Tell me a little somethin’ ‘bout you
Here’s a little somethin’ ‘bout me

An hour and a half later, I heard more than I wanted to hear about San Diego, surfing and sunblock. And to be honest, the whole beach bum persona had never struck me as very enticing, but I must say that Cameron managed to make it interesting. Interesting enough, anyway.

“I dunno,� she announced, interrupting my thoughts, “I think we got somethin’ here.�

“Who? Us?�

“Yeah. I’m kinda liking you right now.�

“Damn, I was hoping this was the end of our publicity stunt.�

“JT, we’re just getting started,� she laughed.

Now that you’re sitting next to me
I bet you’re wondering what my intentions are for you and I to get into

“Is that a fact?�

“It can be. You wanna hang out next weekend? I can take you down to Diego and give you a lesson.� Her intensely light blue stare twinkled in the dim of the restaurant, urging me to take her up on her offer.

Look into my eyes, baby don’t be shy
Is it yes or no, we ain’t got all night

“A surf lesson, huh?� I picked through the remnants of my chicken that was now covered in syrup from my eaten waffle. “Okay, sure.�

Can I get your number baby, so you and I can go get in it
Let me come and pick you up and go take you out
Can I get your number baby, so I can show you what I’m all about

Still fiddling with that damn straw paper, she grinned her wide grin and divulged, “I knew you’d say Yes.�

“How’d you know?� I smiled.

“‘Cause, how could you say No to me?�

“It’s not just you. I have a hard time saying No to anyone.�

She leaned in towards me, resting her elbow on the table and her chin in her hand. Flirtatiously beaming, she wiped my nose with her index finger, holding my stare with her captivating orbs. “That sounds promising.�

Oh, damn

A tiring day of torturous rehearsals had finally ended and my sore muscles were screaming for redemption. As I slowly treaded across my driveway and through the back door, I was filled with immense relief with the thought of spreading across my bed and not moving for the rest of the night.

I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to go surfing with Cameron again if I couldn’t move. Our first adventure in the sea went off pretty damn well, though I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Fortunately, she taught me well. So if I could move by tomorrow, the second time just might go even better.

I walked slowly in my house, met by the daunting scowl of my mom at my kitchen table. But typical me decided to ignore her disdain and as I headed straight for the refrigerator, I sighed, “Hey, ma.�

“How long were you planning on keeping it from me, Justin?�

I turned around quickly, terrified that she was talking about what I thought she was talking about. “What?�

“Justin, apparently your daughter, Jailyn, has an ear infection. Summer has taken her to the hospital and everything’s okay, but she thought you should know.�

“Mom–.�

“Do you not trust me?�

“Of course I do,� I inserted enthusiastically.

“Do I not share everything with you? Justin, have I not given you my heart and soul for twenty-two years?�

As I inched closer to her, I noticed the disappointment in her puffy, red eyes and tear-stained cheeks. I realized that I’d done exactly what I’d tried to avoid. I’d broken my mother’s heart. “Mom, I’m sorry.�

“Why didn’t you tell me, baby?� she asked softly.

“I didn’t know how,� I croaked out.

“What was there not to know? Since when can’t you talk to me?�

“Since... I don’t know. I was scared of how disappointed you’d be.�

“I know you make mistakes, baby. I would’ve been there for you,� she whispered, shaking her head. “My only disappointment is that you couldn’t talk to me.�

“I didn’t know how to say that I’d royally fucked up in a way that your hug couldn’t fix. I didn’t wanna keep it from you, but I didn’t have the balls to come to you and deliberately break your heart with my mess.�

“You know me better than that, Justin.� Her light blue stare was dark and dissonant, as was her usually airy, Southern voice. My deception had quickly turned her into someone I didn’t even know. “I’d never make you handle something like this on your own.�

“I did it, though,� I interrupted.

“And I’m proud of you for that. But it hurts.�

“I’m sorry,� I said again. I walked to where she sat at the table and quickly kneeled so that we were face to face and I gave her a hug, burying my tear-soaked face into her neck. “I’m so sorry, mom.� We rocked back and forth and holding on tightly, despite not necessarily being able to breathe between my sniffles and her hair in my face. “I’m so sorry.�

“I love you, Justin.� She squeezed my neck, her own tears dampening the back of my already sweat-stained t-shirt. “You can’t shut me out of your life just because you think you’re growing up.�

“I know,� I whispered. “I didn’t want to.�

“Don’t.�

“I didn’t just keep it from you, though. It was months before I even told anyone.�

“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised that you told Trace first, but I–.�

“Trace doesn’t know,� I proclaimed. “I told Michaela...�

In that instant, she pulled out of our hug and gave me a slightly jaw-dropped gaze. “Oh...�

“She was just... there. And –.�

“You don’t have to explain your reasons. I’m just – I’m glad you had someone to go to.� I nodded and got off of the floor to sit in the open wooden chair across from her. “So, I have a granddaughter.� My mom smiled and a slight glimmer seemed to have reentered her unhappy eyes. “When do I get to meet her?�

“As soon as she’s better,� I somberly answered when my heart dropped from the thought of my baby suffering through that ear infection. “Did you talk to Summer?�

“No, she left the message on your cell. I was cleaning out your inexcusably full mailbox.�

I winced ‘cause I know I don’t empty my voicemail as often as I should. “Oh.�

She wiped her dry face and rubbed her hands against her jeans before hopping up to begin bustling around the kitchen. “You really ought to keep your kitchen clean if you’re gonna have a baby around here. Kitchen germs spread quickly.�

“Mom,� I started to whine.

“Don’t ‘Mom’ me.�

The thump of footsteps on the staircase startled me out of answering my mother, but I turned towards the kitchen entrance to wait for the culprit to enter the room. “I didn’t know Trace was home,� I commented, inaccurately assuming that it was him.

“He’s not,� Devin announced, bouncing into the kitchen. “He left the house with some little chick named Elisha,� she added. “Good evening, Miss Lynn.�

“Hey, sweetie. I didn’t know you were here.�

“Yeah, I stopped by to catch a nap since there were like four people crashing in my hotel room during our lunch break. And Justin, I wanted to bring you a gift for when you go out on tour,� she said to me.

“Oh, thanks.�

“How are you, Miss Lynn?� She pranced to the sink where my mom was washing dishes to give her a side hug. “I haven’t seen you since Easter.�

“I know,� she smiled. “I’ve been wonderful, though. And I see you’re doing well.�

“Can I help you with those?�

“No, baby, you’re a guest. I’ll be done in a second and get out of y’all’s way.�

“Don’t rush for me,� she chuckled.

“Mom, what’s for dinner?� I interrupted, suddenly realizing that I was hungry as hell.

“Whatever you find in your refrigerator, I suppose.�

“That’s cold,� I tiredly laughed, rubbing my sore stomach. “I can’t even get a sandwich?�

“Justin, you should be makin’ me dinner after what you just did,� she replied, throwing the last glass into the drainer. “If you’re hungry, find somethin’ to eat.�

“I can cook somethin’ if y’all want,� Devin suggested.

“No,� Mama quickly protested, “you don’t have to do that.�

“Please,� I begged.

“No, I love to cook,� she countered. “I can run to the store and pick up some stuff for braciole.�

I didn’t know what the hell that was, but it sounded perfect. “Mama, please let her cook. I’m starving.�

“Stop whining,� she instructed. “Devin, if you want to, then you go right ahead, sweetheart. I’m goin’ upstairs to take myself a nap.�

“You’re a lifesaver,� I said with a smile to Devin once my mom was gone. “You have no idea how tired I am.�

“Hey, listen, I know how it is,� she assured me, easily hopping onto my high kitchen counter. “You look exhausted.�

“I am,� I yawned, slowly rising from the table to stretch. “I think I’m gonna go get a shower before dinner.�

“Hey, wait a sec,� she requested. I stopped in my tracks and turned to face her lowered head. “Can I ask you somethin’?�

“Anything.�

“How come... you couldn’t tell me?�

“I’m sorry?�

“I overheard you and your mom,� she stated seriously, letting her body trickle from the counter and slowly pace to where I stood dumfounded in the middle of the floor. “Why couldn’t you tell me?�

Looking down at her, clueless as to how to confront the situation, I simply gave my robotic response. “I wasn’t ready for anyone to know yet.�

“Yet, you could tell Michaela?� Her demanding baby blues took an even more morose form and this cloud of guilt seemed to cast itself unforgivingly over my head. “When I saw the pictures in your room that day, I knew she was yours. And it really fucked me up to hear you lie to me so easily, saying she was Silas's daughter. Still, I respected that as your secret to keep. But... you told Michaela.�

“Devin,� I started, looking towards the door that I wished I could go running through, “I don’t know what to say.�

“We’ve known each other how long now? Nine years? And you couldn’t trust me with that? You couldn’t tell me, but you could tell her?�

“She was there... And she listened. And I don’t know, I just–.�

“I’m here, Justin! I’ll listen!� she cried. “I can do more than fuck you,� she quietly added.

“I know that.�

“What do I have to do to get you to let me in? Why can’t I get that piece of you that’s just – that’s real?�

“I didn’t know you wanted it,� I said, wiping at her flood of tears. “I didn’t think you cared.�

“Of course you didn’t. I mean, why would I care about my friend of damn near a decade? How could Devin actually care about anything but herself?� She pulled away from my touch and scratched furiously at her scalp, covered in curls. “I’m sorry,� she finally said.

“No, I’m sorry.�

“You shouldn’t feel bad for who or what you decide to let into your life. If you wanted me to know, you would’ve told me.�

“It’s not that I didn’t want you to know.�

“You just couldn’t trust me enough to tell me. I get it,� she nodded. “She gets your heart, your soul; I get your dick. I guess I can’t complain,� she chuckled sarcastically.�

“Devin–.�

“Listen, I’m gonna go get the shit for dinner. Let’s just... pretend we never had this conversation, okay?�

“I can’t–.�

“Please,� she interjected with her tear-filled eyes begging for that compromise. “Just forget I said anything.�

“How am I supposed to do that?�

“The same way you just ‘forgot’ to mention to me that you had a daughter. Lying to yourself works the same way in every situation.� She grabbed the set of keys that I’d thrown to the counter when I walked in the house and headed for the back door, checking her jeans’ pocket for her wallet before opening it. “And trust me, I know exactly how that goes.�

And how I wish you only knew what I feel inside for you
You probably haven’t got a clue
But I wish you knew how I love you baby

Once I heard the sound of my silver Escalade’s engine revving, I decided to trek it upstairs and take that aforementioned shower before dinner. When I reached my bedroom, I knew Devin had taken her nap in there because my bed had actually been made for once in the past month. And sitting on my pillow was what I assumed to be the gift she told me about, rectangular and wrapped in pink and silver paper with a small card attached to the top.

It’s ok that you didn’t tell me. But I thought you’d want to take your angel on the road with you. – Mad love, Devin

It was a short and simple message, that I didn’t fully understand until I tore the paper off of the gift to reveal a small 4x6 silver picture frame with ‘Jailyn & Justin’ engraved at the top between two hearts.

I managed to avoid another cry fest, but I couldn’t escape the guilt that came with the way I so stupidly underestimated Devin’s abilities to be emote. I constantly belittled her persona to only be fun, brazen, and sexual, and totally devoid of sentiment. Another thing I loved about her – she always found a way to prove me wrong.

I placed the perfectly thoughtful gift on my dresser and headed to my mom’s room where she was curled up on her queen bed, softly and lightly snoring in her slumber. I didn’t want to wake her, so I walked to the opposite side of the bed and crawled in as inconspicuously as possible.

“You could’ve taken a shower first,� she commented, startling me. “You stink.�

“Sorry,� I whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.�

“I wasn’t asleep,� she lied.

“Yeah, you were.�

“What’s wrong?�

“What?�

“Your voice, it’s off. What’s wrong?�

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

“Nothing.�

“Justin.�

“I just,� I sniffled, “I accidentally hurt someone that means a lot to me.�

“Well, what did you do?�

“I didn’t give myself a chance to trust her. I didn’t – I.... don’t really know what I did.� I rolled over in the bed so that I was on my stomach and my face turned in the opposing direction of my mother. I wiped the tear that began to drop towards the pillow, sniffling again. “I just know I was supposed to do it differently.�

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love something but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

“Devin doesn’t want anything more than what you’re willing to give her, Justin.�

“How do you know who I’m talking about?�

“Because I do.�

I smiled to myself because I knew that would be her answer. “I’d be willing to give her everything if I knew she wanted to take it.�

“Are you sure about that?�

“Why wouldn’t I be?�

“How can you offer her that if you don’t have it to give, Justin?�

I turned my head again, seeing my mom’s messy blonde curls facing me. “I do have it to give.�

“So you can give Devin every part of you when Jailyn has a huge piece of your heart? When more of your time has been consumed by Michaela than anyone else in the past two months? How is that possible?�

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go

“I didn’t think about it like that, I guess.�

“You should,� she whispered, repositioning into less of a curl and more of a sprawl. “You have to think about it like that before you can make idle promises.�

“So, if they’re both willing to take what little I have to give, who am I supposed to choose?�

But if you never try, you’ll never know just what you’re worth

“I can’t answer that. You know that,� she sighed, turning her head. “But if you’re in here asking me, it probably means that it’s a decision you’re not ready to make yet.�

“So what do I do?�

Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Her hands instinctively touched my cheek as we stared into one another’s identical pain-filled eyes. “I don't know.�


Lyrics:

“Is She The Reason?� - Destiny’s Child (Destiny Fulfilled)
“Get Your Number� - Mariah Carey (The Emancipation of Mimi)
“I Wish You Knew� - Mariah Carey (The Emancipation of Mimi)
“Fix You� - Coldplay (X&Y)

14. I Don't Get It

“I don’t wanna go,� I whined to my mom, as I watched Jailyn playfully contort in my arms. “How am I supposed to leave her?�

“I know you don’t wanna go.� My mother’s left hand rested at the back of my neck while her right affectionately played with Jai’s light brown hair. “But you’ll be back before you know it and she’ll be right here in your arms again.�

We both smiled down at her, reveling in her gorgeous essence, me holding back tears so as to avoid drowning her in my sorrow. “What if something happens while I’m gone?�

“Then, you’ll halt the tour and come rushing home,� she laughed hoarsely.

“But,� Trace interjected, walking up to the three of us with his backpack perched on his back, “nothin’s gonna happen.�

“That’s right,� Mama agreed. “Think positively.�

“But I’m gonna miss everything,� I argued.

“Baby, she’s not gonna talk or walk in the next month.�

“She could do somethin’ else, though. I’m gonna miss all her smiles and laughs.�

“She’s smiling now; why don’t you take notice instead of complaining?� she suggested, still staring down sweetly at her. “She looks more excited about your tour than you do.�

“I’m excited,� I reasoned. “I just don’t wanna leave her.�

“Hey, J,� Trace announced, watching the surveillance cameras that decorated my front door, “Eric and Mike just pulled into the driveway.�

“I guess this is it,� Mama sighed, positioning to receive Jailyn from me. “I wish I could go with y’all to the airport.�

“Ma, you know I don’t want her in public.�

“I know, I know. It’s just weird not being able to see you off.�

“Just make sure you stay out of the cameras when you bring her back to Virginia,� I instructed. I heard the honk of our awaiting Escalade and this emptiness washed over me. I couldn’t stand to leave my baby. I didn’t know how I was supposed to do this for the rest of my life. “Trace, can you tell them to gimme like five minutes?�

“Sure,� he answered, opening the door. “You want them to take your bags out?�

“Yeah. I’m goin’ to my room for a minute.�

“You gonna be okay?� my mom asked.

I nodded silently and headed for the staircase with my daughter, talking to her on our trek. “I’m gonna miss you,� I told her with a sniffle, running my fingers through her curls. “I hope you know that I don’t wanna leave.�

Touched your head gently, felt my heart melt
‘Cause I knew I loved you more than life itself

Her gorgeous eyes, that had turned from hazel to blue to match mine over the past two months, smiled up at me as we entered my flawlessly clean bedroom. I sat on my bed, lifting Jai with one arm so that we were face to face. “You’re perfect, you know.�

Then to my knees and I begged the Lord, please
Let me be a good daddy, all she needs
Love, knowledge, discipline too
I pledge my life to you

“I’m sorry I can’t always be there, but I’m always here,� I explained, creating a cross over her tiny heart as she giggled at the motion. “I’ll never leave your heart. And you’ll never leave mine, okay?�

Just the two of us, we can make it if we try
Just the two of us, building castles in the sky
Just the two of us, you and I

“My life seemed so purposeless before you got here,� I chuckled, tears swallowing my face. “I mean, I had this job. I had your granny and your Uncle Trace. But I didn’t have a real reason to be here, you know what I mean?� She just grinned and darted her happy eyes back and forth across my face. “I know you don’t, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway. Your daddy likes to talk a lot – even when he doesn’t have anything to say.� I brought her back to my arms’ embrace watching her yawn at my speech. “I can’t believe I ever thought I didn’t want you. Turns out you’re the only thing right about my life.�

You’re living proof that dreams do come true

I kissed the top of her forehead, wiping away any tears that might have dropped to her face and smiled down at her one more time. “I’ll see you later, okay?�

I love you and I’m here for you

Well, the UK tour had gotten well underway and I was slowly but surely becoming drained. I don’t think I love anything about my job more than taking the stage, but I can’t lie and say that shit isn’t tiring. Sure, the energy from the crowds keeps me going, but at the same time, they’re feeding off of me, too, so it becomes an even exchange. In turn, I’m left exhausted.

But luckily, I had Michaela coming out to see me, and her invigorating smile always seemed to give me that extra boost that I needed to press on. “Eric, can’t this damn car go any faster?�

“Not if I don’t know where I’m goin’,� he shot back, making a right turn on our expedition back to the hotel from lunch. “You’ll be there soon enough.�

“Mikey’s not goin’ anywhere,� Trace assured me. “Just calm down.�

“I haven’t seen her in months, though,� I contested, becoming more anxious by the second. “Hurry up, man.�

“Don’t rush me.�

“How far are we from the hotel, anyway?� Trace questioned, gazing out of the window into the gloomy afternoon.

“Too far,� I complained.

Eric threw a balled up napkin to the back seat out of clear annoyance. “Two minutes, tops.�

“J, do you even know if she’s here yet?�

“Her flight was supposed to arrive this morning while I was in that interview.�

“But do you know if she’s here,� he repeated.

I leaned up in my seat to bug Eric again. “Eric, did Todd say whether he got her or not?�

“J, if you don’t sit back and leave me the hell alone.�

“For someone you’ve never had sex with, you sure are excited to see her,� Trace commented. “What you got planned?�

“Why does everyone think I need to have sex with a girl to be content with her company?�

“Because it’s you,� Trace and Eric answered in unison.

“I resent that.�

“Well it’s the truth,� Trace laughed.

“She must be underage then. How old is she, J?�

“She’s twenty, thank you very much. And for y’all’s information, I’m not having sex anymore. With anyone.�

“Stop the car, Eric. I think he’s sick.�

“I think you’re right, Trace.�

“Y’all are some fools,� I chuckled, glad to finally see the entrance of the Landmark Hotel, even in spite of the huge, growing crowd screaming outside of it. “I’m serious.�

“Why? What’s wrong?�

“I just don’t... need to, I guess. Since Jailyn was born, everything else in life just kinda seems like bullshit.�

“This motherfucker thinks he’s grown ‘cause he has a daughter,� Trace laughed. To deflect attention from me, he quickly exited the car, indulging in the screams of affection that random girls were shouting for me.

“At least I’m tryin’,� I mumbled. “Eric, do you think it’s weird?�

“What? That you’re growin’ up?�

“Or whatever you wanna call it,� I smirked.

“Weird? Nah,� he chuckled, staring at me in his rearview mirror. “I’ve been waitin’ a long time for this. Who knew all you needed was a baby.�

“Yeah. Who knew.� Once he was parked safely in front of the valet stand, he flew out of the car to release me from the backseat and escort me through the buzzing hotel lobby. As we walked into the already awaiting elevator car, where we met back up with Trace as well as Todd and my trainer, Jayson, I decided to ask my question again, even though I was seconds from getting my answer. “So hey, is Michaela here yet?�

When no one answered, Trace just laughed at me. “You’re funny, dude.�

“What? What’d I do?�

“You’re just funny.�

“I just wanna know,� I defended, looking up to the top of the elaborately decorated elevator to detect what floor we were passing.

“What you gon’ do if she’s not here?� Todd demanded.

I shrugged, not really having an answer to that. “I just wanna know.� The elevator reopened at the fifth floor and Eric held the doors open as the rest of us headed for my Presidential Suite. “I don’t understand why everybody gotta be so ornery all the damn time.�

“Shut up, Justin.�

“I’m just sayin’.� On our journey down the hall, I passed two of my dancers, Melanie and Kelly, and I bid them a quick “What’s up� as we continued to my room.

“Hey, Justin,� Mel called out to me.

“Yeah?� I asked, turning around.

“Umm, Cameron left a message with us that she’s in the Landmark Suite when you need to find her.�

“Cameron who?� I frowned, staring more at her bulky blonde curls than her face.

“Diaz?�

“She’s here?�

“Apparently,� Kelly nodded. “We were in your room using the Xbox when she stopped by.�

I looked over to Trace who seemed to be just as baffled as I was. “Well, thanks.�

“No problem.�

“Where are y’all headed?�

“Lunch. Then Wembley,� Melanie informed me. “We’ll see you there?�

“Of course,� I grinned. “Have fun.�

“You, too.� Laughing, the two continued down the hall in the opposite direction while I made it to my room, halfway excited, halfway... terrified.

I’d only known Cameron for about a month now, and she’d proven to be a fun girl – the life of the party and all that shit. I found that she had a great handle on life, she loved to laugh, and hell, I loved to laugh with her. Maybe if it had been a different time and place, she could’ve been the one for me. Perhaps she could’ve been the woman to finally hold my attention. But I was knee-deep in two other women that I couldn’t choose between. How was I supposed to add her to the list? And an even better question, what the hell was she doing here?

Despite it, I walked happily into my suite, expecting to find Michaela smiling back at me. Instead, I was met with emptiness and a basket full of champagne on the table in my dining room. “Where is she?� I queried to whomever decided to finally listen to me.

“They just told you she was in the Landmark Suite,� Trace replied, matter-of-factually.

“Not Cameron, you jackass.�

“Well, who?�

“Michaela! Where the hell is Michaela?� I shouted.

“You okay?� Todd asked, entering the doorway behind the two of us. “Can I go to my room until we leave?�

“Wait, dude; where’s Michaela?�

“What you mean? She’s not in here?�

“Obviously not,� I quipped.

“Well hey, this is where I left her. She probably decided to just go out and see the city.�

“Maybe Cameron scared her off,� Trace joked.

I shot him a glare that said I was far from amused and threw my hat to an empty sofa. “Thanks anyway, Todd.�

“You gonna be all right?�

“Yeah,� I nodded, tiredly falling into the seat with my cap. “What time do we have to leave here?�

“You have soundcheck in less than two hours, so don’t get too comfortable.�

“I never do.� I gave him a weak ass smile and watched as the door swung closed behind him. “I need some sleep, dude.�

Trace took the sofa that sat across from me, stretching his short legs along the length of the seat. “So go to sleep.�

“I can’t.�

“Why the hell not?�

“‘Cause. I dunno.�

“Go to sleep, dude.� He took the blue and white Trace hat that sat backwards on his head and covered his face with it to eventually fall into his own nap. “She’ll be back before you know it.�

I wish it were that simple. There was just way too much other shit on my mind for that to be the only thing keeping me from sleeping. “Yeah.�

I didn’t know whether to be annoyed or appeased that there had been a loud thump at the door, but either way, I slowly picked my aching body up from the couch to answer it. I knew that the fifth floor had limited access, so I wasn’t expecting any crazy ass fan at my door. But then, I forgot that fanatics come in all forms. Cameron Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. “Hey,� she grinned brightly when I opened the door.

“What are you doing here?� I asked, feigning some shape of surprise. “I thought you were in Hawaii this week.�

“Well, I was on my way to LAX and I had this major thought about you, so I decided to stop in London on my way.�

Last time I checked, London was far from a stopover to Hawaii. “Wow.�

“So, here I am!�

“Here you are,� I chuckled. “Imagine that.�

“I told some of your roommates I was here. I don’t know if you got the message...� She allowed herself into the room, pulling off the beige sweater that covered her white t-shirt.

“Roommates?�

“Yeah. There was like one Chinese girl and another blonde chick with huge hair,� she laughed.

“Oh,� I chuckled again, “yeah, they’re my dancers.�

“Oh. Well, whatever. I told them I was here.� I nodded, though she couldn’t see me as I followed her further into my room. “Wow, it’s gorgeous in here. Do you stay here often?�

“Usually whenever I’m in the city.�

“This is awesome. I should’ve bunked with you,�she joked. “In fact, maybe I will.�

“So,� I interrupted, dying for a subject change, “how have you been? You got here okay and everything?�

“I’m great, dude. I met this guy on the plane that’s a scuba instructor. I can’t wait to get back to LA to check him out.�

I really had to wonder if she did anything besides play in the ocean all damn day. I’d already made the joke that she was so... her because she was waterlogged and couldn’t think straight. Now, I see that I wasn’t kidding. “Sounds cool.�

“So, I can’t wait to see your show tonight. I hear it’s pretty damn good.�

“Really?�

“That’s the buzz around town. Can’t be too bad if you added, what? Three more dates here?�

I nodded, reclaiming my seat on my favorite little couch while she took ownership of my bed as if it belonged to the two of us at the very least. “How long are you here for?�

“Just ‘til tomorrow. Gotta get back to my job, of course.�

Thank God. “Of course.�

“But hey, we’ve got all summer for me to see the show over and over. I’ll probably have your steps memorized better than you by the end of the tour.�

I was suddenly suffering from this strange case of deja vu. Didn’t I go through this with Alyssa already? “Don’t you have a movie coming out?�

“Yep. That’s actually what I’m going to Hawaii for – a photoshoot. But after June 20th, I’m pretty much free.� She gave me a big grin and fell to her back, staring up at the ceiling. “Am I annoying you, Justin?�

I looked up from my absent gaze into the intricate carpet designs and stared to where her lean body rested on my bed. “What?�

“Am I annoying you? I know I can sometimes be, like, overbearing or whatever. I don’t wanna come off pushy or too talkative ‘cause I get that way when I’m nervous about something–.�

“What are you nervous about?� I interrupted.

Without any sign of a struggle, she lifted herself to sit straight up and look me square in the eyes. “You.�

“Me?�

“I know it’s just supposed to be for publicity or whatever, but like I said before, I like you. So if I’m getting ahead of myself or just moving too fast for you, just let me know okay? I don’t wanna become your burden.�

Her saying that severely lessened my fears about her ‘cause I really thought I’d moved past the psycho bitches phase of my life and I was happy about that. So now that I knew what kind of game we were playing, I could calm down considerably. I shot her a genuine smile and retorted, “Honestly, if we could just take it down a notch to ‘new friends’ pace, that would be awesome.�

“New friends,� she nodded. “Got it.�

“Cool.�

“Can I still come see you tonight?�

“Of course.�

“And on tour in the States?�

“If you didn’t, I’d be sorely disappointed,� I winked.

You know, if she kept this kind of attitude up, maybe she actually could be the one to finally hold my attention. That is, if Michaela and/or Devin weren’t up for the task.

She rose from the bed and let her long legs carry her to the kitchenette, which was guaranteed to always be stocked with food. “So what do you do around here until it’s time for the show?�

“Actually, I have to leave for the venue for soundcheck in like an hour. So... you can come with me, or you can hang out here until tonight.�

“What would you suggest?�

Another knock at the door delayed my response as I watched her bite largely into a small green apple that she’d found. “Hold that thought,� I finished, rushing to the door. When I opened it, I found my mom with armfuls of shopping bags, followed eventually by Michaela. “Well, hello,� I said to them, both of whom looked exhausted when they entered the room.

“Hey, darlin’,� my mom greeted, giving me a peck on the cheek that also included a big red lipstick stain. “Cameron, I didn’t expect to see you here,� she smiled to her.

“Yeah, I just got in not too long ago. How are you, Lynn?�

As the two of them continued their salutations, I stared Michaela down for a few seconds, inhaling all the joy and happiness that seemed to radiate from her. I’d forgotten how much I missed her. “Hey� was all I could get out.

She gave me that smile, taking off her baby blue bucket hat before reaching up to give me a huge hug. “I’ve missed you!�

“I’ve missed you, too.� I gently let her fall back to the floor after picking her up in all my excitement and got a good look at her. “I didn’t think this moment would ever come,� I laughed.

“I know, man. Getting through April was okay, but it seemed like every single day in May just crawled by.�

“I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re here.�

The two of us let the door finally close and we moved into the main area of the room where my mom was throwing bags in random corners of the suite. “Justin, I’m goin’ to my room,� she announced. “I’ll see you at dinner?�

I gave her a sleepy nod as she passed by me and gave Trace a thump in his chest, violently knocking him out of sleep. “Get lost,� I told him.

“What the fuck, dude.� He removed his cap from his face to see the three ladies in the room, finally catching my unsubtle drift. “Oh, my bad.�

“Yeah, your bad.�

“I guess I’ll get out of your way, too,� Cameron proclaimed, walking up to the two of us, introducing herself to Michaela. “Hey, I’m Cameron.�

Seemingly in awe, Mikey gave her a polite smile. “Hi!�

“Hi!� she repeated in a similar tone.

“You can call me Mikey,� she finally managed to get out after a slight pause of admiration.

“Cute name,� Cameron grinned back. “Justin, what time are you leaving for the venue?�

I glanced over my new Jacob & Co. watch, searching for the portion that contained England’s time zone. “Umm, I guess you should be ready by 2:00.�

“1:45,� my mom corrected, standing in the open door. “Can’t be late for soundcheck.�

Rolling my eyes, I corrected myself, “1:45.�

“Okay, I’ll see you guys later then. Nice to meet you, Mikey.�

Michaela gave her an impish wave, replying, “Same here,� before the three of them exited the room. “Oh, my God,� she whispered. “That was Cameron Diaz.�

“That would be a true statement,� I chuckled, pulling her with me to that same damn sofa.

“Wow.�

“You’re a fan?�

“Are you kidding? I love her.�

“Seriously?�

“Did you not see ‘There’s Something About Mary’? It’s one of the greatest movies of our time.�

“Well, why don’t you go hang out with her then,� I said in what I thought to be a joking manner.

“Oh, fuck you,� she spat.

“Don’t worry,� I winked. “There’s plenty of time for that.�

“What the hell was she doing in your room, anyway?�

“Just hangin’ out,� I shrugged.

“So... the rumors are true?�

“There are rumors?�

“According to that annoying dude on E!, y’all hung out after the Kid’s Choice Awards and went bowling together or some shit like that.� Her tone was becoming suddenly serious and I didn’t like it or understand it. “So are y’all the new couple now, or whatever?�

“More like ‘whatever’,� I smiled. “What’s the big deal?�

“The big deal is, what do you want with me if she’s here?�

“I wanted to see you. What else would I want with you?�

“I have no idea, Justin. That’s why I’m asking. Because I’ve wracked my brain for the past few months and I’ve yet to come up with a single answer as to what you could possibly want from someone like me when you’ve got women like Devin and Cameron Diaz always sitting in your bedroom.�

“What?� I hopped up from my seat incredulously, completely baffled as to what I could’ve done within a matter of three minutes to start an argument like this. “Michaela, what the fuck are you talking about?�

I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be you
Adopting all your history, it’s hard being me too

“I am telling you,� she stressed, “I’m not in their league. Devin’s bad enough, but now you want me to go up against Cameron Diaz? Why don’t you just let me go now? Don’t string me along if you’re just gonna fall for them.�

“Where is this coming from? What did I do?�

“You haven’t done anything yet. But I’m scared, Justin. I can’t fight them.�

“But why are you fighting! Who said anything about having to win me!� My frustration was mounting with every word she spoke, ‘cause I had no idea what the fuck was going on.

You should have told me when you met me all these things I should know
And I should have asked, we should have talked about this so long ago

“Like I said,� she began calmly, “nothing has happened yet. I’m just preparing for the inevitable battle because it’s only a matter of time before you have to pick somebody. If it’s not gonna be me, just tell me now. Tell me before I get hurt.�

“What’s with you and this – this thing you’re dragging us into? Competition, competition, competition! That’s all I keep hearing? But it’s nonexistent to everyone but you!�

“Don’t make me out to be an idiot here. You know damn well that if I can’t keep up with Devin, you’re just gonna drop me like a bad habit.�

“Mikey.� I shook my head slowly, watching her assumptions overtake her happiness. “Baby, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You’re the only one creating competition here, and you’re making yourself crazy with it.�

“But–.�

“You have to stop,� I continued, unwilling to let her interrupt me. “You can’t run away from me or get mad at me every time you feel threatened. You can’t let their presence dictate you and me.�

“I can’t help it,� she inserted softly. “Look at them and look at me.�

“Yes, look at you.� I pulled her up and brought her to the full-length mirror that sat adjacent to one of the suite’s three bathrooms. I positioned her directly in front of it, resting my hands on each of her shoulders. “You’re gorgeous,� I told her, trying to offer a slight smile. “You’re perfect. Stop worrying about them.�

“No, Justin.� Teardrops fell from her dark eyes and I would’ve sworn I heard them hit the floor. “I’m not perfect, Justin. They’re perfect. I’m just... “

“You’re perfect to me, Michaela.�

“Don’t say that.�

“Don’t say what? The truth?�

“You’re telling me what you think I wanna hear. But Justin, the truth is, there’s no point in me even trying.�

“Why can’t you see what I see?� I whispered, wiping her wet cheek with my thumb.

“Why are you doing this to me?� She released herself from my hold and eagerly began to move her bags and suitcases to the door.

It’s not fair, it’s not fair
Don’t leave me here

I’ve had tons of issues with women, but self-esteem never really came into play with any of my previous... conquests. I had no idea how to handle this one. “What the hell are you doing?�

“This was a mistake.�

“What was?�

“Me being here. Us – I mean, this. All of this,� she explained, throwing her hands around to signify that she meant everything. “You know just as well as I do that if I don’t get out now, I’m gonna get hurt.�

“Why do you just assume that, though?�

“Because I’ve heard it all before; I’ve seen it all been done. And as much as it’s hurt me in the past, it would be an even harder blow coming from someone like you.�

We are in a mess, a danger zone
What will happen next? We never know

“Someone like me? What does that mean?�

“You,� she emphasized, as if that were supposed to make sense to me. “Justin Timberlake, you. My dreams come true, my prayers are answered when you finally have an interest in a girl like me. But if both of us can’t see it, at least one of us needs to realize that this fairytale has to end somewhere.�

“Why can’t it end happily?�

“Happy endings are just stories that haven’t finished yet.�

I watched her continuously hustle across the room, seeming not to care that she was breaking me with every word she uttered. I’d done nothing but try to just enjoy her and hope that she’d gotten the same satisfaction from me; yet it all seemed to have amounted to absolutely nothing. “Would you please just stop!� I yelled.

Now we share the closet, now you’ve let me come inside
And now you’re finally undressing and I feel like I might die

“What! What do you want from me!�

“Talk to me!�

“I’ve said all that needs to be said. So you, and Devin, and Cameron, and whatever other hoes you got up your sleeve can have a nice life together.�

“This isn’t fair, Michaela.�

“You’re right, it’s not. It’s not fair that I let myself fall for you while you were just trying to add someone else to your list.�

The damage is infectious, the confession is too late

“You know it’s not like that,� I sighed.

And how can I accept this, how is this happening to me?

“Actually, I don’t know anything, Justin.� She sighed, too – a much more fed-up sigh than I let out. “I just think I should go.�

“And what about me?�

“What about you?�

“What if I miraculously managed to let myself fall for you over the past few months, too?�

“Then, I guess we’re just both idiots.�

It’s not fair, it’s not fair
Help me come up for air
How’s this happening to me?
It feels so lonely here
We are in a mess, a danger zone

“Justin,� Cameron smiled, saying my name in a sing-song voice. “JT, what’s wrong? You haven’t touched your breakfast.�

“I’m not hungry.� I tried to smile but it felt like it came out as more of a winced expression. It had been about fifteen hours since Michaela left me to go back to the States and I was far from over it.

“Come on, buddy. I’m leaving today. You don’t want me to get on my flight all sad, do ya?�

“I don’t,� I answered honestly. “I’m just... not in the mood.�

“Well, talk to me. Maybe I can help.�

“I really don’t think you can.�

“What is it? Girl trouble?� She pulled my hand from my face and made me stare at her. “I’m an expert on girls.� I gave her an unamused glance, while at the same time, trying to hold back a smile. “Try me, dude.�

“Okay,� I relented.

“That’s what friends are for, right?�

“Well, you know my friend, Mikey, who you met yesterday?�

“Yep. She had on the cute little baby blue cargo pants that I wanted to steal from her.�

“Well anyway,� I began to explain, “she and I have been friends for a while now, which is why I invited her to come out on tour.�

“Okay. Friends like what? ‘Joey and Phoebe’ Friends, or ‘Ross and Rachel’ Friends?�

“Mmmm, I guess we’re more like ‘Joey and Rachel, last season’ Friends.

“I see,� she nodded slowly. “Go on.�

“Well, yesterday, we got into this huge argument, which, by the way, I have no idea how it started.�

“Doesn’t matter,� she interjected.

“What? Why not?�

“Because it’s over now. Why backtrack to the beginning when the end result is what matters?�

“I guess that’s true,� I reasoned, taking a bite of my jelly-decorated croissant. “Well okay, so after the fight, she up and decides that it’s best if she go back home. And now, she’s gone.�

“And you’re all fucked up because you wanted her to stay.�

“Exactly.�

“So, get her to come back.�

“How the hell am I supposed to do that?�

“Whatever convinced her that she needed to go, you have to unconvince her and get her ass back over here.� She said it as if it were the simplest task in the world.

“If I could’ve done that, I would’ve done it yesterday.�

“But now you have no choice, so you have to do it today.�

I mulled over her words while chewing my bread, deciding that what she said made no sense to me. “I don’t get it.�

“Look, if you really wanted her here, you’d make sure she was here.� She took a long sip of her tea, giving me a smile with her piercing blue eyes. “Right?�

“I guess.�

“Hey, can you do somethin’ for me?�

“I can try,� I decided.

“Don’t try; just do it.�

“What do you want me to do?�

“I want you to laugh.�

With a quick scoff, I said, “What?�

“Just laugh. Think about something insanely funny and laugh about it.�

“Why?�

“Don’t ask questions, dude. Just laugh.� She let out her own little guffaw before eyeing me again, presumably waiting for me to follow her instructions.

“I can’t just laugh.�

“Why not?�

“Because nothing’s funny right now.�

“Well then, that’s your problem, Mr. JT.�

“What are you talking about?� I chuckled.

“See, you started a laugh. Now finish it! Let your inhibitions go crazy and just let go. Laugh!�

I began to laugh, but it was only because she looked and sounded a little crazy trying to get me to do it. “You’re funny.�

“The way I see it, if you can’t laugh at yourself, life is gonna seem a whole lot longer than it really is. Laughter is the purest form of joy a person can experience,� she explicated. “And I’m not saying I don’t cry. But in between, I laugh.�

“So, you can laugh at anything?�

“No, not anything. But if I feel like crap, which you seem to be feeling like at the moment, I put on a stupid grin, think of a funny memory and I laugh until I don’t remember what the hell went wrong in the first place.�

“I see.�

“And chances are,� she added, “if you lighten up, you’re bound to find a solution to your problem.�

I automatically began to think of Jailyn. I wrestled with the thought of being able to see her again. The brilliance of her eyes, the joy in her giggle – it always put a smile on my face and brought laughter to my heart, if nowhere else. I thought of her and laughed easily.

“So, how are we bringing Mikey back to ‘London’,� she finally asked, putting on a British accent, much to her amusement as she began to cackle.

“Well,� I replied, picking up my own cup of tea, “I still don’t have the answer to that question.�

“Keep it up,� she grinned. “You’ll get there.�

Sure. But the question that remained to be seen was, where was I really going?

What will happen next? We never know


Lyrics:
“Just The Two Of Us� - Will Smith (Big Willie Style)
“Danger Zone� - Gwen Stefani (Love. Angel. Music. Baby.)

15. Three's Company

You ever had a bottle thrown at your head? In fact, have you ever had anything thrown at your head while you were in the middle of explicating your heart and soul to half a million people? No? Well, lucky you.

I’m not the type of guy to complain a lot, ‘cause if I were being honest, there isn’t a lot of shit I can complain about. And in the past year or so, where my professional career hasn’t gone anywhere but up, I really can’t bitch and moan in that department. I can say, with conviction, that I had been truly happy over the past few weeks. The tour with Christina was awesome, Jailyn was even more awesome, I’d straightened things out with Mikey, was getting along well with Devin and had been enjoying the company of Cameron in all her loveable insanity. But then, today happened. And for a guy that had been on top of the world, today really fucked me up.

“They threw fucking water bottles at me,� I said to Devin for the ninth time as she walked in circles around the pool table, looking for her next shot.

“I know, dude. But, look at it this way: they weren’t throwing them at Justin, the person. They were just ignorant, drunk fools throwing shit at you ‘cause they think you and/or your music is gay.�

“Thank you. That makes me feel much better,� I dryly replied.

“I know it must suck to have somethin’ like that happen to you,� she reconsidered, “but are you really gonna let them fuck you up? You were just on stage with fuckin’ Mick Jagger!�

“Yeah, and they still pelted water bottles at me!�

She laughed, finally taking aim at the 9-ball. “Did you get hit, baby?�

“Well, no.�

“Then you have nothin’ to be embarrassed about. They’re the idiots that did it.�

“But why?�

“‘Cause they’re stupid! Why the hell should their stupidity affect anything you got goin’ on?�

“Because they were throwing their stupidity in my face.�

“Well,� she added, taking her next shot, “I, for one, am proud of you. You didn’t bitch and moan to the press about your bad day.�

“Well, what are they gonna do?�

“What am I gonna do?� she grinned, finally missing a shot. “You’re up, baby boy.�

I hopped up from my chair, leaving my Bud in the empty space, and approached the black felt table. “You’re gonna listen to me bitch and moan until I feel better.� I positioned my pool stick to hit the 8-ball but became suddenly distracted by Devin removing her blue Memphis State t-shirt to reveal a tight-fitting wifebeater and I consequently ended up hitting the cueball into the side pocket. “Shit,� I hissed.

“Damn, how’d you fuck that up?� she chuckled, surveying the table. “You could’ve won.�

“You’re cheating,� I argued.

“How the hell am I cheating? I’m just standing here.�

“You just had to take your shirt off at that exact moment? No. You knew what you were doin’, Delfino.�

“Don’t be stupid,� she instructed.

“Then stop distracting me with all that,� I insisted, motioning across my chest to signify that I was referring to her open rack.

“You being a horny bastard does not make me a cheater.� She moved closer to me, purposely brushing her hip against mine. “Now move.�

“I think you meant to say ‘Excuse me’.�

“I think I said ‘Move’, bitch.� She used that opportunity to bump me across the room with her oversized ass.

“If you’re gonna play the game, you could at least play it fair.�

“Oh, God. Shut up.� She took a swig of her own beer and plopped it back onto the wooden portion of the table. “We were doing better when you were whining about water bottles.�

“Do I really annoy you? Or is this just a front you put up to keep me at arms’ length?�

“Say what?�

“You act like I get on your last nerve sometimes. And sometimes, you act like you can’t get enough. So, which is it?�

Don’t wanna sound full of myself or rude
But you ain’t lookin’ at no other dudes
‘Cause you love me

She coolly took her shot, successfully putting the 13-ball in the corner pocket and then stared back at me where I stood watching her with my arms crossed. “It’s both.�

“How can it be both?�

“It’s just both, dude. I can’t explain it. There are days – moments where I wanna smack the fuckin’ shit outta you,� she grinned. “And then, there are those things you do that make me wanna kiss you for days.�

“What are those things?�

She shrugged in an atypically shy manner and gave me a matching smirk. “I dunno, man.�

So you think about a chance
You find yourself tryin’ to do my dance
Maybe ‘cause you love me

“Tell me.�

“I’m not tellin’ you.�

“Come on, Dev. I’ve had a bad day.� I walked up to her, wrapping my arms around her waist to drunkly whisper in her ear, “Make it better.�

“Don’t do that, man. I don’t wanna tell you.�

So then, we try
Singin’ it slow now because you weren’t used to how fast we fucked

I let go of her waist and sat on the table, picking up her beer to finish it off before giving her my best version of puppy dog eyes. “Please.�

Then we locked eyes
And I knew I was in there and I was gon’ tear your ass up

“Justin,� she whined. “Dude, you suck.�

“I can suck somethin’ if that’s what you really want,� I winked, using my imaginary x-ray vision to stare through her thin shirt.

“See, it’s shit like that that makes me wanna pop you.� Still smiling, she knocked my head out of the line of vision of her breasts.

I know that I’m carrying on
Nevermind if I’m showin’ off
I was just frontin’
You know I want you babe

“I’m still waiting on the other half of that answer,� I encouraged.

“Keep waitin’.�

“Devin.�

“Ugh, I don’t like talkin’ to you about shit when I’m half drunk. I start talkin’ too much.�

“That can only be a good thing, baby.�

“No,� she yawned. “Not for me.�

“How could that one little piece of information hurt you in any way?�

“It just... could.�

I’m ready to bet it all, unless you don’t care at all
But you know I want you
You should stop frontin’ babe

“You wanted me to talk to you. You gotta talk to me, too.�

“I barely even know what the hell we’re talking about anymore, man. Let’s just play the game.�

“You already won, sweetheart.�

“I told you about callin’ me that,� she quickly retorted.

“Sorry.�

“So anyway,� she tried to begin, before I interrupted.

“No, no anyway. Tell me.� I moved my pool stick so that she could sit down on the table beside me. “Listen, you tell me your secret, I’ll tell you mine.�

“You have no secrets that I wanna know about.�

“You don’t know that.�

“Fine, Justin. What’s the damn question?�

“You said that I do things that make you wanna kiss me for days. Those were your words,� I defended as she began to sigh loudly. “Things like what?�

“Things like... how you always offer to let me use a car or stay with you if I need to. The stupidly funny messages you used to leave on my voicemail. Just little shit like that.�

“I see.�

“And there was one time a couple of weeks ago, and I’m hella lame for even noticing this, so I’m sorry if it sounds gay... but um, we were on your bus one night. I guess we were leaving LA, maybe? I’m not sure.� She picked up the empty bottle that sat on the table and used the open space to sit down beside me. “But anyway, we’d been watching ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ and I kinda fell asleep halfway through it. And when the movie ended, I was expecting you to kick me off your bus, or at least tell me to hop my ass in a bunk, but you didn’t. You probably figured I was knocked out and didn’t feel like bothering me, but I just couldn’t forget how sweet it was that you put a blanket over me and kissed my forehead before you went off to bed.�

“Wow.�

“I told you it was gay. I shouldn’t have even brought it up.�

“No, I’m just surprised you noticed that.�

“Are you kidding, dude? That was like one of the great moments of my life,� she laughed, staring down at our shoes. “Anyway. It’s just the little things you do that make me smile when I kinda least expect it.�

“Aww.� My chuckle faded into a smile and I kinda just sat there, gazing at the side of her lowered face. “I knew you cared.�

“Shut up,� she whined. “You’re not allowed to make a big deal about this.�

“I’m not making a big deal. I’m just acknowledging your softer side.�

“You’re a dork.�

“Oh, see, why you gotta insult me? I was about to share my story with you.�

“What’s your story, Justin?� She looked up at me with intrigue in her stare and a closed-mouth grin plastered on her usually placid face. “And don’t make up anything.�

“I wasn’t gonna make up anything,� I quickly retorted. I removed myself from my position on the table and began to obtain all the pool balls from their respective pockets in order to rack them back up. “Well, my story starts sometime around... today.� I turned back to watch her expression contort into a giggle. “I had the most terrible performance of my life when a few drunk assholes pelted a shitload of water bottles at my face. But, I endured it because it was all for a good cause. And, to be honest, I’m actually glad I did, because when I got off that stage, with my pride balled up in my fists, I was met with the smile and comforting hug of this girl that’s become one of my best friends.� I paused to smile for effect while Devin hopped off of the table to watch me tell my story. “And,� I went on, “even though she tried to act like she was kidding, she offered to go fuck every one of those motherfuckers up.�

“Interesting,� she injected.

“And I know that if I’d asked, you would’ve truly done it in a heartbeat.�

“My offer still stands.�

“Not necessary.�

“Hey,� she initiated, idly throwing her pool stick back and forth, “I know what it feels like to be rejected. Auditions are the hardest part of my job, by far. And the worst thing is when you’re judged before you’ve even had a chance to prove yourself,� she detailed. “It’s unfair and it’s certainly a struggle, but my mom always said that the best thing about an obstacle is getting through it, which is exactly what you did. You triumphed,� she smiled meekly. “And umm... I’m not sure how effective my few little words are to your ego, but I honestly couldn’t be more proud of you than I was today. And I mean that.�

Just as she was about to start on her fourth bottle of Corona for the night, I grabbed the bottle from her, turned around her hat that I’d been wearing so that it sat sideways on my head and I suddenly took the opportunity to swallow her lips with my own, not even waiting a second to force my tongue into her mouth. Even in spite of our liquor-laden breath and the automatic stuffiness that accompanied a billiard room, our kiss felt just as magic as it did the first time. Until she started laughing.

“What the hell is so funny?� I demanded.

“I’m sorry,� she grinned, swallowing hard. “It’s just – your beard was tickling my face.�

“It’s hardly even a beard.�

“Well, the scruff. Or whatever you wanna call it. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Kiss me again,� she directed, pulling me back towards her by my shirt. We fell back into our groove, her wrapping her long arms around the back of my neck before pulling away momentarily to catch her breath. “Hold up. Are we really goin’ here again?� she asked, smiling sensually. I gave her a tired stare that said I wasn’t really trying to think about this and unknowingly licked my lips. In return, her tongue darted back at me and we were at it again.

Twenty minutes later, my hands were exploring the depths of her jeans, her tongue was still in my mouth and vice versa – shit was perfect. But then, my inevitable bad luck caught up with me and a rattle at the door interrupted us. We both turned to the top of the staircase of the basement-like room, waiting for the bastard to show their face. “Why now,� I mumbled into Devin’s soft neck, tempted to roll my tongue across it and keep our thing going.

“Hello?� a woman’s soft voice called down to us. Whoever it was hadn’t come down the steps far enough for us to see her, but it seemed that she was skeptical about moving closer.

“This is a private room,� Devin responded. “We have it rented for the night.�

“Devin?� The voice continued down the steps while Dev and I looked at each other wondering who could’ve known who she was. “Is that you?�

“Who’s there?� I requested, trying to quickly lick my fingers.

“I’m looking for Justin.� Finally, the voice became a face and we found Michaela staring back at us. “There you are,� she grinned.

“Hey,� I smiled back, trying to inconspicuously move away from Devin while adjusting my open belt buckle and pants. “What’s up?�

“Well, I was upstairs in your room with Trace and Michele and none of us had seen you since dinner; and you seemed all sad, so they sent me to find you,� she smiled widely. “I had to bribe one of the bellboys to tell me where you might be.�

“I knew those motherfuckers were the ones sellin’ me out,� I joked, retrieving my beer from the floor. “Well, I’m okay now.�

“Yes, I can see that,� she shot back, eyeing my lips with raised eyebrows. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.�

“No, you didn’t interrupt anything,� Devin interjected. “If it weren’t for you, I probably would’ve gotten my ass in trouble fuckin’ with him.�

I frowned at Devin’s detached reaction, but decided to leave it alone as I heard more traffic approaching the staircase. The last thing I needed was for her to embarrass me in front of whoever might have been entering the room. “You brought company?� I asked Mikey.

“Well, after I talked to the bellboy, I told Trace you might’ve been down here.�

“Maybe I should go,� Devin announced, bending over to carefully place her fallen pool stick back on the table.

“No!� I stopped her quickly until I saw Trace, Marty and Michele enter the room. “I mean... if you want to, I guess you can go.�

Every time your name was brought up
I would act all nonchalant in front of an audience
Like you was just another shorty I put the naughty on

“Y’all are pitiful,� Michaela suddenly noticed with a scoff-slash-chuckle.

“What you mean by that?� Devin defended automatically.

“You both know good and damn well you were ‘bout to go at it full force if I hadn’t come down here and now y’all wanna act like you don’t know each other. No wonder he can’t choose you,� she added. “You can’t even tell the boy you want him.�

Devin gave her one of those looks that said she was about to fuck her up, while her audience began to form. “Michaela?� she said, wiping at her nose.

“Devin?�

“Who the fu–.�

“Okay,� I interrupted, stepping between the two of them. “Mikey, it’s really not your place to say anything like that to her. And Dev,� I said, turning to her, “don’t be tryin’ to threaten my friends.�

“I wasn’t threatening her. I was just gonna beat her little ass,� she explained loudly.

Michaela quickly began to remove her hoops from her ears and threw them to the table beside the three of us. “Do it then,� she shouted, attempting to move me out of blocking her.

Knowing Devin’s tendencies just a little better than Michaela’s, I instinctively grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to the other side of the table. “Can you stop? Please?�

“She’s the one that got her earrings off like she wanna do somethin’.�

“Ignore her for a minute,� I requested, seeing that she was completely preoccupied with whatever the hell Michaela was doing behind us. “Devin, look at me.�

“Justin, I’m tryin’, dude. I tried to be her friend.�

“Did you really?�

“Yes, I did. But apparently, she’s too busy tryin’ to compete with me,� she emphasized loudly, “that she can’t settle for me bein’ nice to her ass.�

“Over here,� I waved, trying to keep her focus on me. “Could you just do me this favor? Just be civil.�

“Why should I?�

“‘Cause you love me,� I smiled, trying to make her smile, too. “Don’t you?�

“I hate you,� she managed to chuckle.

But uh, truth be told, you threw me for a loop

“You wish you could.�

“Unfortunately, I don’t wish I could. ‘Cause then, how would I have stupid ass moments like this to look back on?�

I’m too old to be frontin’ what I’m feelin’
Denzelin’, actin’ like you ain’t appealin’ when you are

I teasingly grabbed her by the neck to put her in one of my signature headlocks and kissed the top of her unruly curly hair. “Sometimes, you’re just too fuckin’ adorable for words.�

I’m ready to stop when you are

About an hour later, with an empty bottle of vodka at the bar, and a full one waiting in the middle of the pool table, six drunk ass motherfuckers were slowly circling that same table while engaged in a rousing game of I Never. It’s never really been my choice of play, mainly because I hate sharing my secrets with people that could potentially ruin me. But hey, we were all fucked up, so any possible damage automatically became null and void.

“Okay, okay, okay,� Trace announced loudly, all of us with full shot glasses in front of us. “I never... I never watched a full episode of Full House.�

“Lame!� Devin cackled loudly, taking a sip of her drink. Subsequently, the other four of us did the same, staring at Trace coldly for making us drink to such a stupid confession. “I got one!� Devin professed, soon thereafter, darting her baby blues amongst the five of us. “I never... had a threesome before.�

“Bullshit,� Trace shot back, downing his shot.

“What! I’m serious, bitch.�

“No way,� I added, letting my glass stay right where it was.

“If she said she hasn’t, then she hasn’t,� Mikey interjected. Apparently all she needed was a few shots to calm herself down. She and Devin had been cool for the latter half of the hour. “Who’s next?�

“Wait a minute,� Devin paused us, “how come Trace, Michele and Marty are the only ones that took drinks?�

“‘Cause apparently they’re the ones that have had the threesomes,� I answered for them.

“What about you, baby boy?�

“What about me?�

“You haven’t had one?�

“Obviously not,� I retorted, tilting my head to look at her sideways.

“You are full of shit,� she shot back.

“And you’re a hypocrite,� I smirked. “If you haven’t had one, what makes you think I have?�

“‘Cause you’re you.� She eyed me flirtatiously and then gave Michaela an enticing lick of her lips. “Interesting.�

I could only laugh at her brashness and continue in the game. “All right, I guess I’ll go now,� I decided, sliding Mikey’s silver hoops across the table from when she threw them there earlier. “I never kissed someone of the same sex.� I watched as Devin, Michele, Marty and Trace took their respective shots while me and Mikey just looked on in silence. “I guess we’re the prudes,� I joked to her.

“No, we’re just not hoes like them. But actually,� she reconsidered, “I’m not a ho. I dunno what you been doin’.�

“Shut yo’ ass up,� I laughed.

“This isn’t fair,� Michele proclaimed. “Y’all aren’t getting drunk.�

“Hey,� Marty abruptly realized, beginning to turn in arbitrary circles, “don’t we have a show tomorrow?�

Trace held up his empty glass, filling it with more Grey Goose. “I don’t.�

Four of us looked at him evilly, after having totally forgotten our responsibilities and kicking ourselves for it. “My tour manager is gonna kill me,� I stated under my breath.

“Hey, it’s only... three A.M.,� Mikey positively inserted. “Y’all can sleep it off, right?�

“Yeah, if we weren’t too buzzed to sleep.�

“Speak for yourself,� Marty replied. “I’m off to bed, you guys.�

“I’m right behind you,� Michele added, picking up her Nikes from underneath the pool table. “Good night, J. Bye, you guys.�

I satisfyingly watched our sixsome dwindle to four, hoping that two more could disappear and we could go back to our original two. So I gave Trace one of my looks and then said, “I guess I should head back up to my room then, too.�

“Justin, we have a game to finish,� Devin quickly spoke up.

“But everyone’s gone.�

“No, we had a pool game goin’ before everyone else came down.� Her eyes drifted from their fixation on my eyes to a region further south, very obviously at the crotch of my pants. “You can’t leave yet.�

“Oh, Mikey, I think they’re tryin’ to kick us out,� Trace proclaimed, taking too damn long to get the picture, as usual.

“Oh, is that what they’re doing?� Mikey sounded quite unamused.

“Well, you can stay here if you want, but uh... I think I’m gonna go.�

“We’re not kickin’ y’all out,� I told him insincerely. “Y’all are free to stick around.�

“Dude, I know what’s up,� he winked. “Let me know how it goes.�

“I got you.�

“I’m right behind you, Trace.� With a huge, exaggerated sigh, Michaela swiped her pink flip-flops from the top of the bar at the other side of the room. “Good night, you two.�

“Finally alone again,� Devin grinned. “You think she’ll ever speak to either of us again?�

“Who? Mikey?�

“Yeah.�

“Honestly, I think she’s just actin’ funny ‘cause she’s drunk off her ass. We’ve already agreed that our friendship is strictly platonic from now on.�

“Yeah, right.�

“I’m serious,� I defended in a high-pitched tone. “Did I ever tell you about our huge fight in London?�

“No. But to be honest, I don’t too much care right now.� She held her arms over her head with a yawn, stretching out of any bodily captivity before hopping onto the table, laying down beside our two completely empty vodka bottles. “Come here,� she instructed.

Now it seems that things are really getting better in my life
Is it just today, or things are really getting better?
We’ll see tonight

I did as told, ready to pounce on her gorgeous ass before she could say another word. Unfortunately, however, her sock-covered left foot stopped me just as I was about to hop onto the table to shadow her. “Why are you stoppin’ me?�

Her left index finger sexily dangled from her full lips as she laughed at my frustrated expression. “Just wait a second.� Using just her toes, she unbuckled and successfully pulled off the silver and black belt that held up my camouflage pants, still holding that same sexy smirk.

“You’re such a tease,� I professed, smiling down at her. I used that opportunity to take off her white ankle socks and threw them to where my belt sat on the floor while letting each of her feet rest on either of my thighs. “What are we waiting for?�

“Just. Wait.� She took her right hand and snaked it underneath her white wifebeater, pulling up the thin white shirt to openly reveal her right breast to the two of us. She knew what she was doing.

My mouth watered at the sight of watching her touch herself, tugging her firm nipple in pleasure. “Why do you always do this to me?�

Finally letting her other finger trickle from her mouth, she brought the wet finger down to her navel and slowly trailed it to her left breast so that both of her perfect brown nipples were being touched, neither of which, by me. I was dying.

“Devin,� I groaned, feeling an intense tingling emitting from my midsection. My breathing became stuttered with frustration as she found a way to giggle at my reactions. “You’re dirty,� I told her.

“You want me to stop?� She quickly let her hands fall to her sides and looked at me expectantly. “Better?�

“No, I just want you to add me to the equation.�

She brought her feet down from my thighs and repositioned herself so that she was kneeling on the table and we were directly face to face. Without hesitation, her tongue thrashed against my lips and I willingly let it enter my mouth, completely becoming consumed with everything about her kiss. Then, without warning, she shoved my hands into her loose-fitting jeans, willing me to finish what we’d started earlier.

“Damn,� she yelped into my mouth as I slipped two fingers inside her. I laid her back across the table, pulling off her shirt completely before filling my mouth with one of her perfect mounds. She continued to smile and moan at the same time as my fingers gently pulsed in and out of her sensitive depths.

Just when I was about to pull her jeans all the way off, the sound of footsteps on the carpeted staircase halted the two of us. Devin boldly stayed where she was, staring above her to wait for the person to enter the room. I took her lead and did the same. No one was more surprised to see Michaela reenter the room than I was. “Mikey?�

“Can I be added to this equation?� she requested, pulling off one of her two spaghetti-strap tops.

“You’ve been in here the whole time?� I asked, recalling those being my exact words just a few minutes before.

“I told you to wait,� Devin inserted, looking down at me knowingly. “I heard the sound of your flip-flops when you came back down the steps,� she said to Michaela.

“Why didn’t you say somethin’?�

Mikey just shrugged, and slowly sat down on the table above Devin. “I wanted to see what y’all were gonna do first.�

“Well hey, three’s company,� Devin easily consented.

“Hold up,� I interrupted, removing myself from my position over Devin to sit beside her. “Mikey, are you sure you wanna do this?�

She gave me a sheepish grin and a weak nod. “Why not?�

“Why?�

“Looks like y’all are havin’ fun. I wanna have fun.�

She likes me
She says she needs me
She says she wants me
‘Cause I’m the shit

Conveniently, the three of us that had never had a threesome would be the ones to end up in the room together. But hey, I wasn’t about to complain. As somewhat expected, Devin was the one to take the lead and coach me and Michaela through the entire process.

She willingly removed herself from the middle of the table and sat on the long side of it with her legs crossed, allowing me and Michaela some playtime. But then, Mikey and I had never gotten this far alone, much less in front of a voyeur, so the moment was considerably awkward.

“Can y’all act like y’all know each other?� Devin ordered. She got up and pulled Michaela’s other tank top over her head and coaxed her across the table towards me.

Meanwhile, I licked my lips, awaiting Mikey’s approach, trying to figure out what I’d do once we were in touching distance of one another. I turned around on the table, eventually facing her and laid her obviously timid body flat against it. I straddled her while holding her wrists captive against the black felt, bending down to gently kiss her lips at first, slowly inching down the rest of her body.

After removing her feminine sea-green bra, I spent time sucking on her small but supple breasts, somehow still concentrated on the enjoyment Devin was receiving from watching. Her light moans in the background were encouraging, to say the least, as I could only imagine what she was doing in reaction.

I continued down Mikey’s petite torso, lashing my tongue against every inch of her perfect mocha skin. Unbuttoning her khaki parachute pants, I pushed them down her thin but toned thighs, subsequently removing her light green panties with my teeth. Just to be more tantalizing than usual, I blew against her apparent wetness, receiving a huge feeling of satisfaction when her body wiggled in reaction.

As I continued to tease her, I looked over to where Devin sat alongside the table, pleasing herself with one hand dug into her jeans and the other tugging at her left nipple. “Don’t stop,� she moaned as if I were about to give her the tongue-lashing instead of Michaela.

Oh, right. Michaela. Without giving her any kind of warning, my mouth formed a suction around her awaiting clit, and I went at it as if it were a straw. In response, her waist immediately bucked towards my face and I knew I was doin’ the damn thing and doin’ it well. So I continued to suck at the skin, licking the tip back and forth as she began to softly pant my name.

“Oh, my G–,� she tried to get out. Her enthusiasm sent my tongue on a frenzy and I roughly plunged it in and out as her hips rocked in motion with me. Squeezing her eyes shut, she screamed, “Don’t stop!� and plunged her long fingers into the back of my neck.

Just as I was about to stop and complain in pain, she removed her nails from my skin, balling her fists, pounding them against the innocent table. It was then that I noticed that her loud moans had ceased and transformed into extra body reaction. Then, I looked up and saw why. Devin was at the head of the table, giving Mikey one of those upside down kisses. I’m talkin’ about one of those Spiderman motherfuckers.

You had to know that that was a turn on like a motherfucker. I tried my best not to stop exploring Michaela’s walls, but as I watched Devin manipulate Mikey’s nipples while her tongue very visibly violated her mouth, it was a struggle just to keep from drooling inside her. Then, Michaela got bold and reached up to play with Devin’s tits and I knew I wasn’t gonna be able to hold out just watching them. I gasped from the very sudden erection they’d elicited, causing the two of them to stop.

“You okay?� Devin asked, sitting all the way up so that her nipples were staring me in the eye.

“Come here,� I instructed while grabbing Michaela’s hand to pull her up so that she was also facing me.

“Why you the only one that still got clothes on?� she asked me.

I shrugged, having not realized that I was still fully dressed until she mentioned it. I lifted my arms, allowing her to remove my Harley t-shirt as well as my white undershirt and, before I could even start to unbutton my pants, the two of them went for my chest, each coming at me like they’d just entered a nipple-licking contest. Oh, hell yeah.

Kiss on me baby
Lick on me baby
But you can’t own me baby
‘Cause I’m the shit

Once my pants fell to the floor, I made the decision to position Devin over my waist, finally able to pull her jeans off as well. Unlike me, she’d gone commando that day, so there was thankfully nothing left to uncover. I never could help but smile at the sight of her complete nakedness. But she didn’t give me much time to do that, as she quickly began to move her tongue along the side of my neck, languidly traveling to my collarbone and shoulders while Michaela did the same to her.

Yet again, my growing protrusion began to throb, and Devin must have felt its magnetic attraction to her pussy because she made sure to try and take care of it. She began to stroke me slowly and I shuddered in immediate ecstasy while running my fingers along Mikey’s bare sides. She has magic hands, I swear. Her hands started to massage my balls and my dick got so hard, I was about ready to turn over the damn table. She smiled in gratification, resting her other hand over Michaela’s neck, playing with her soft curls to express the fact that she, too, was enjoying the tongue action she was receiving.

Devin’s phantasmal fingers continued to work me while Michaela moved from behind her to initiate another tongue-massage with me. Our tongues touched before our mouths even connected and it was like we became locked together. Devin must have noticed, too, because she quickly moved out of the way, taking my gray Calvin Klein boxers with her as she got off of the table, circling the two of us.

Mikey and I somehow lifted to a kneeling position on the table, our naked bodies pressed warmly against one another. Continuing our breathless kisses, I lifted one of her legs over my waist and delicately pushed her back to the table so that I was conveniently positioned between her legs. Holding my swollen penis, I probed her entrance and waited for the wetness to welcome me inside.

Both of us let out loud moans as I began to thrust into her with long strokes. I loved the way she so easily accepted me, seeming to pull me in further and I felt this huge rush of blood shoot through my body, causing me to groan at the fact that I was actually getting harder if that was even possible. As I dug further into her, it seemed that her soft fingers began to erotically find any and every inch of my body to wander over as she softly moaned into my ear.

At that point, I wasn’t sure where Devin had disappeared to, but I sure as hell didn’t care either. I quickened my pace, letting my lips fall over her nipples, sucking at the same tempo of my out-of-control-hips. I could hear the pool balls knocking violently against each other in the pockets of the table as my motions seemed to shake the entire room. A slight tickling sensation entered my consciousness when the sweat that had formed on my brow began to slowly find my cheek and integrate with my facial hair while I pumped rapidly in and out of her tight walls.

My tongue moved back up to Michaela’s juicy lips and I knew that she was seconds from an orgasm based on the urgency in her kiss. Her breathing was labored and she seemed to be sucking at my tongue the same way I’d been sucking her clit not too long ago. She put her entire body into the kiss, letting her mouth do what her pussy was trying to.

She sighed loudly into my mouth, her walls closed in on me tightly and then suddenly let go. I was getting hazy my damn self and was on the silent verge of ecstasy as well, but I knew I had to hold out for Devin. Still, I was more than gratified to see Michaela satisfied. Our kiss turned to a sloppy wrestle of tongues before her body became limp and I pulled completely out of her. Spent, she rolled over with a tired smile, but made sure to make way for what she knew was coming next.

While trying to catch my jagged breath, from the corner of my half-open eyes, I noticed Devin approaching the table once again. Hypnotized, I watched her soulful stride, her tits bouncing in syncopation with her strut, smirking like she meant business. Before I could blink, she’d grabbed my face and was kissing the shit out me, causing me to lose the tiny amount of breath that I had finally restored.

She hopped on the table so fast, I had to turn around and make sure she hadn’t knocked Michaela off of it. Luckily, she was still beside me, trying to find herself a normal breathing pattern. Meanwhile, Devin’s tongue had found it’s way down to my dick, doing that teasing thing that broke my foot the first time she tried it. I was about to tell her ass to stop fucking with me, but then she gave it a suck that would’ve made me drool if I hadn’t gasped for air. “Shit,� I groaned loudly as I squirmed against the warmth of the table’s felt covering.

“You okay?� she asked for the second time that night.

I couldn’t do anything but nod as she completed her actions, slowly and perfectly. I didn’t know what the hell what she was doing when she stood up on the table and turned around to give me a stripper’s kind of view of her ass, but that was one shot I’d never be opposed to seeing. Then, she bent over, knowingly teasing me with a tantalizing panoramic of her clit – pink perfection, looking like it was just calling my damn name.

I reached up to touch it, but she quickly swatted my hand away before squatting to sit down with her back facing me. I watched her lean towards one of the table’s pockets but with all that ass in my face, I couldn’t exactly tell what the hell she was doing. Then, when I realized that she was placing a condom on me, I did my best to stifle a sigh in order to avoid her getting pissed again.

And then, it was on. Gyrating her ass in my face, she rubbed my dick along her insides, turning back with a smile to watch my reaction. And finally... finally, she carefully placed me inside of her. She started with this slow bounce that literally made me want to scream for mercy. But it felt so damn good. And then, to top it off, just when I thought Mikey had fallen asleep, she stood at the head of the table, above me, her breasts dangling over my face, and gave me one of those upside down kisses that Devin had just recently taught her about. If I couldn’t breathe before, I was really suffocating now. But in a good way. A really good way.

Devin continued her unutterable fuck, twisting and turning, swirling and rolling over my dick. I was still making out with Mikey, so I couldn’t see what she was doing, but I felt that shit like a motherfucker. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought I was blowing bubbles in Michaela’s mouth from the mere effects of her movements.

“Fuckin’ shit,� I could hear Devin pant above us, still riding me. From the hot wetness of her pussy, I knew she was feelin’ that shit just as much as I was, because her gyrations were turning to convulsions, but she kept fucking the shit out of me, not stopping until I went limp on her ass.

Unsure of what to do with my hands in the moment, I kind of ran my fingers through Michaela’s hair, doing all I could not to pull it out every time Devin moved. “I can’t hold it,� I mumbled to Mikey.

I doubt if Devin heard it, but hey, I said it. Lucky for her, she apparently couldn’t hold much more either and melted into a shudder just as I completed my release. At that moment, it felt like one of those rides at the supermarket where you put in a quarter, and for like thirty seconds, you’re having the time of your life, and then, at the very moment you’re ready to get off of it, the shit suddenly stops. All movements in the room ceased, and the only thing heard outside of silence was the sound of three people’s racing hearts beating along with their quick inhales and exaggerated exhales.

“Holy shit,� Mikey sighed, easing her petite body onto the table, beside my face. “What just happened?�

We just took our shit to a whole new playing field. That’s what happened.

Now it seems that things are really getting better in my life
Is it just today or things are really getting better?

I woke up the next day, not really knowing how the hell I’d made it to bed, but I was thankful to see that it was empty when I realized the immense headache that had accompanied the opening of my eyes. “Fuck,� I groaned to myself, rolling over.

Suddenly, my suite became filled with even more sunlight than it had been and I squinted to find Devin, neatly dressed in a pair of black capris and a matching sleeveless shirt, adjusting the curtains of my suite to allow the sun to blind me. “Good afternoon,� she said brightly.

“What the fuck are you doing?� I hoarsely demanded.

“It’s 2:00PM, buddy. We got you out of soundcheck, but you’re gonna have to get to the venue by 5:00, so you should probably hop in the shower.�

“We’ve got some banana pancakes for you,� Michaela added, joining Devin at the window in her white sundress. “It’ll help you with that hangover.�

I laid in my bed for a moment, eyeing them, smiling in front of me, and my brain felt like it was gonna collapse at any second. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone, seeing polar opposites descending over me as if they were both waiting for me to choose one of them right then and there.

After my torturous shower, having water beating violently down on my head to create an even bigger thumping than the one I already had, I sat down to breakfast – or... perhaps lunch was more appropriate – with Mikey and Devin, where I could’ve cut the tension in the room with my spoon if I really wanted to.

“So, how are you feeling?� Devin suddenly broke the deafening silence, gazing at me as she took a sip of water.

“I’m getting there,� I slowly nodded. “Who knew banana pancakes and Gatorade were the remedy to a hangover.�

“I did,� she grinned.

“Do you think you’ll be able to perform?� Michaela interjected.

“Well, I don’t have a choice,� I chuckled. “But yeah, I’ll be okay.� I chewed a big chunk of pancake, making sure to swallow before adding, “Last night was crazy, huh?�

“Crazy isn’t even the word,� Dev proclaimed.

I watched her continue with her water while Michaela meekly picked around her remaining banana slices. “You okay, Mikey?� She nodded and tried to give me her signature smile, but I easily recognized it as completely insincere. “What’s wrong?�

“Nothin’.�

“I’ve been askin’ her all morning,� Devin answered for her. “She’s not sayin’ a word.�

“Devin, could you excuse us,� I requested, taking another bite of my dry pancake. “I’ll give you a call in your room when we’re done?�

“Umm. Yeah, sure,� she shrugged, grabbing her plate to take with her. “See y’all later.�

The two of us watched and waited for Devin’s exit from the suite before I started a conversation that I probably wasn’t ready to have. “What’s wrong, ma?�

Michaela gave me a one-shouldered shrug and a smile that could’ve been misconstrued for a frown from the right angle. “Nothing’s wrong. How many times are you gonna ask that?�

“Why do you look like your puppy just died?�

“I dunno. I guess I’m just feeling bad from last night.�

“Because of drinking? Or because of what we did?�

“What?�

“Are you feeling uncomfortable about what happened?�

“Of course not,� she scoffed. “It was fun.�

To say the least. “Yeah...,� I trailed off. “But it wasn’t you.�

“What?�

“Mikey, I told you a long time ago – what was that? When I got back from London? – I told you, I don’t want you to try to be anyone you’re not.�

“What are you talkin’ about, Justin?�

“I know I don’t know everything about you yet,� I began to explain, “but I like to think I know you pretty well. And last night wasn’t you.�

“Well, who the hell was it?�

“It was Devin.�

“And me,� she spat, seemingly mad that I left her out.

“No. It was you trying to be Devin.�

“That’s...�

“That’s what? It’s true, right?� I took a sip from my bottle of lukewarm kiwi-strawberry Gatorade and stared her down. “What were you trying to prove?�

“Why’d it take her presence for you to finally have sex with me?� she queried, suddenly switching subjects.

“What?�

“Why is it so easy for her to get every piece of you? Why does she get your mind, body and soul and I have to scratch and claw my way into some small form of physicality?�

“I... What?� Again, this is me confused.

“It took you what? Four months to kiss me?�

“Three,� I corrected her. “And if we’re gonna get into comparisons here, it took me eight years to kiss her.�

“And then, after that, she gets everything? Why does she get the pieces of you that I can’t have?�

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the irony of all this. She wants what Devin has. Devin wants what she has. There’s no pleasing any-damn-body around here. “I tried, Mikey. I really did. I tried to give you every part of me, but you pushed me away.�

I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes

“And now, do you see why? I’m never gonna live up to Devin in your heart, Justin! Even last night, I couldn’t even hold your full attention then!�

“You had my undivided last night,� I argued.

“Yeah, when she was off to the side for a few minutes. But your heart and your dick was concentrated on her.� She shot up from her chair and walked over to the large ceiling-to-floor balcony window, resting her head against the glass. “Even when I’m trying to be her, I can’t get you.�

The chaos that controlled my mind

“That’s because I want you to be you,� I replied, not turning to look at her.

“I don’t know how many times I can tell you that that’s not ever gonna be enough for you.�

I tried my best to feed her appetite
Keep her coming every night
So hard to keep her satisfied

I was to the point where I was no longer feeling sorry for her insecurities. I’d done all I could to negate them. Maybe she was right. Maybe my subconscious always managed to drift me towards Devin. But whatever the case was, I couldn’t spend my life apologizing to her for it. I couldn’t waste my time trying to convince her that my heart could be with her if she just let it. The simple fact was that she was never going to let it because she was always going to let Devin’s presence in my life stifle any possible progression with us. “Fuck it,� I mumbled, feeling completely agitated.

Kept playing love like it was just a game
Pretending to feel the same

“Fuck what?�

“Fuck it. Fuck you. Whatever,� I sighed. “If I can’t convince you otherwise, then maybe you should do what you do best and run away again.�

Turn around and leave again

“Justin!�

“Only difference is, this time, I’m not running after you, Michaela. I’m not apologizing anymore. And I’m not waiting with baited breath while your indecisiveness jerks my heart around anymore,� I stated solemnly. “Not when I have someone willing to be what I need.�

This love has taken its toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before

“So, after everything we’ve been through, everything I’ve done for you, you’re just letting me go? That’s it?�

And her heart is breaking in front of me

“What more can I do?� I walked to the door and coldly held it open for her. I wanted to let my heart feel for her when she began to cry, but I couldn’t. I was just as fed up as she’d been when she left my suite that day in London. Now it’s her turn to cry. I had Devin, so fuck her. As she sadly passed me, I added, “Here’s the unhappy ending you were looking for.�

But I have no choice, ‘cause I won’t say goodbye anymore

Lyrics:
“Frontin’� - Pharrell feat. Jay-Z (The Neptunes Present: Clones)
“Things Are Getting Better� - N.E.R.D (In Search Of...)
“This Love� - Maroon 5 (Songs About Jane)

16. Save Me The Last Dance

The rigid heat of late-August in New York had turned my patio lunch with my parents to a miserably sweltering ordeal that sent us packing before we could even finish. Frustrated as I was that I didn’t get to eat, it was probably a good thing, considering the nervousness I’d been harboring about the approaching evening. All I wanted to do was lay in bed until it was time to leave for the VMAs. Unfortunately, my... accompaniment wasn’t going to let that happen.

As soon as I walked back into my Royal Suite at The Ritz, there was Cameron, grinning and talking as only she knew how to do. “I’m so excited about tonight,� she announced, trailing me on my slow saunter to the bed. “My outfit just arrived. You’re gonna love it,� she squealed, causing me to wince. She watched me fall into the plush coverings of the mattress with an elongated sigh. “Justin, what’s wrong?�

“I... wanna throw up,� I mumbled into my pillow.

“Is it the heat? What did you guys have for lunch?�

“I didn’t eat lunch,� I informed her, repositioning so that I could see her face. “It was too hot outside, they didn’t have anymore room inside, and I just didn’t feel like eating.�

“I’m sorry.� She crawled onto the bed beside me, beginning to comfortingly rub my back as I laid there, accepting her good-intentioned hands. “You want me to order you some Saltines and ginger ale?�

“Gross. Hell no.�

“It’s good for nausea,� she defended. “I think that’s what it is...�

“I’ll be okay,� I softly replied. “It’s just nervousness.�

“You’re nervous? Why?�

I turned over on my stomach, kicking off my Nikes as I spoke to her. “I’m nominated seven times. That’s a lot of fucking pressure.�

“You know you have at least one in the bag – you said it yourself.� She gazed down at me with smiling ice blue orbs. “You’ll be fine.�

“One award out of seven really isn’t that great of a statistic,� I countered.

“It’s better than zero.�

“This is true,� I agreed with raised eyebrows. “I still feel like shit, though.�

“Well, hey, I’ll be there to hold your hand every step of the way.�

“You will?�

“Of course,� she grinned. “Where else would I be?�

“You’re going?�

“Of course! I wouldn’t miss this night for the world!� She offered me a laugh that quickly diminished to a nervous chuckle once she took notice of my facial expression. “You did plan on me being your date, didn’t you?�

Actually, I didn’t plan on having a date. I planned on sitting with Devin since she was gonna be there anyway. “Well, you never brought it up, so I just assumed you didn’t wanna go.�

“Why would you think that I wouldn’t want to support you, Justin?�

I sat up completely just as she turned away from me, letting her long legs fall over the side of the bed and bow her head to a sulking position. “I just thought – you know, I’d see you at my set tonight at Roseland; we hung out at Suede last night. And I just... I guess I figured that was enough for you.�

“I’m not trying to monopolize your time, if that’s what you’re thinking. I just wanted to be there for you.�

“But you don’t have to be. Because you’re here.� Cheesy line, I know, but she goes for shit like that.

She turned her head, resting her chin on her slender shoulder and gave me half of her million dollar smile. “So, who’s that extra seat for then?�

“What extra seat?� I tried to feign ignorance.

“While you were gone, they sent up a copy of the seating chart.� She got up from the bed and headed for the dining room where an overabundance of gift baskets full of free shit were quickly filling up my suite. Once she reappeared from the chaos of the growing goodies, she handed me an opened envelope and a folded sheet of paper. “This is what they brought up here.�

Lazily gazing into the envelope, I proclaimed, “You’ve already opened it, I presume.�

“I had to, just in case it was urgent.� She smiled at her bullshit answer and went on to say, pointing at the paper with a fuzzy layout of my immediate seating area for the night, “There’s three tickets there. And an open space beside you.�

“Well, the tickets are for my parents and Trace,� I explained.

“Then why aren’t there three seats open next to you?�

“Because they’re not sitting with me,� I answered, growing restless with her mindless interrogation.

“So who is sitting with you? That’s my question!�

“I don’t know, Cameron.� I sighed and rolled off of the bed to head for the kitchen. “Why does it matter?�

“Because I talked to your friend, Devin, and for some reason, she thinks she’s sitting with you.�

I immediately stopped in my tracks and turned around to glare at Cameron. “You talked to Devin?�

“Yup. She said something about... your voice-mailbox was full; she was on her way to rehearsal?; and... oh! She lost her cell phone, so if you still wanted her to sit with you, you’d have to find her in Christina’s dressing room before she show started.�

Perfect time to lose your phone, Devin. “I see...�

“So, is she why I can’t be your date?�

I know, I know. My life would be so much easier if I would just stop lying. And it’s always the little ass, insignificant shit I lie about that gets me into trouble. “Cameron–.�

“I know I’m not your girlfriend or anything,� she quipped, interrupting the nothing that I had to say in defense, “but as your friend, I think I deserve the little respect it requires to tell me the truth.�

“I’m–.�

“I’m not asking for much,� she continued. “Just the truth. If you’re not going with me because you wanna go with her, then just say it.�

“I’m not going with her,� I lied again. I know. But my fucked up ego just won’t let me be in the wrong all the time.

“Save it, Justin. Technicalities aren’t getting you out of this one.� Her California-tinted voice contained a seriousness that I wasn’t used to hearing from her. “You may not be going with her, but you’ll be there with her and that’s the bottom line.�

“No, the seat is for Trace.� That spur of the moment decision just might get me an ass-kicking, courtesy of Devin’s foot, but I couldn’t just stand there while Cameron lectured me. “I guess we all must’ve forgotten that plans were changed.�

“What?�

“Well... since she’s gonna be dancing twice in one night, I would be sitting next to a seat-filler for half the show. And I just didn’t wanna do that, so I gave her seat to Trace.� So it wasn’t my best lie. I bet it’ll get me out of this conversation.

“Justin, what are you talking about?�

“I’m talking about Devin. She was gonna sit with me, but she’s dancing with Christina tonight and then she’s an extra for Beyonce, I believe. So with her being out of her seat so much, they’d seat me next to one of those seat-fillers. And since I hate seat-fillers, I gave her seat to Trace. And she’s gonna sit with my parents.�

Cameron’s mouth sat slightly ajar as she seemingly tried to untangle the web of lies I’d just created for her. Eventually, as she slowly began to nod, she seemed to have put her own pieces together with a realizing, “Ohhh, I see,� to match.

“You get it?�

“I got it,� she grinned.

Thank God. Maybe now, I could rest in peace until the pandemonium of the night could take over.

‘Cause it’s my night
No stress, no fights, I’m leaving it all behind
No tears, no time to cry
I’m making the most of life

“Justin!� my mom called to me for perhaps the ninth time in the past fifteen minutes. “Baby, we have to go. Now.�

My mind knew that we had to leave – in fact, we were fifteen minutes past having to leave. But unfortunate for all of us, my stomach told me that I was so nervous, I had to vomit. “Just a minute, mom.�

“Baby, we don’t have a minute. What the hell are you doin’?�

The manager in my mother was taking over and starting to get on my goddamn nerves. “Ma!� I whined.

“Well, are you okay, at least?�

“I’m fine.� I stared myself down in the wall-to-wall mirror, internally scowling at the total mess I was. I don’t know why I pretended to be all right. The truth was, I was a wreck. Not only about the night, but about life. With every passing day, I became more incapable – or perhaps unwilling – to love, and the few things that I did love, I managed to ruin. I missed Mikey. I wanted Devin. I wanted Cameron gone. But none of those aspects would change because I was too much of a bitch to open my mouth and say that this life wasn’t what I wanted.

And so, just staring at my own face became a painful reminder of the downward slue that my supposedly perfect life had taken. My inadequacies had begun to follow me around like a bad dream and today, of all days, I awoke to my nightmare, my inevitable reality, and I just didn’t wanna deal... But I had to.

With a sigh that could’ve shaken the entire hotel, I ran a warm washcloth over my face, a quick glance over my lackadaisically shaven goatee, adjusted my charcoal gray and silver tie and opened the bathroom door to a room full of people that had no idea of just how fucked up I was. Sad as it was, this was supposed to be my hugely happy night, so I put on my grin and convinced myself that I could fix everything before the night was over. Somehow.

“Where’s my baby?� I demanded with a smile, strolling into the suite as if I had not a care in the world.

“Summer’s changin’ her in the other bathroom,� Trace informed me, handing me my suit jacket.

I looked down at him, having not really noticed his situation before that very moment. “Dude, what the hell are you wearing?�

As if his hair weren’t bright enough, my boy was decked out in this light gray suit with a bright ass pink, white and lavender shirt underneath; and he had the nerve to top it off with some matching suspenders. “What? You don’t like my suit?�

“You look like an Easter egg.�

“What you talkin’ about,� he scoffed. “This is pimp shit right here.�

“You both look very handsome,� my mother interjected, walking up to me to fix my already perfect Windsor knot. “I’m so proud of you for putting on a suit.�

“I ain’t wearin’ those shoes you picked out,� my belligerence shot back, showing off my black and white Air Force Ones to the room.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,� she grinned, kissing my cheek and then wiping the remnants of her lipstick. “You talk to Jailyn; we’ll be in the car, okay?�

I gave her a childlike nod before she and my dad scurried out of the door in front of Trace, leaving me with the eerily quiet presence of Cameron while we waited for Summer and Jailyn to retreat from the restroom. “You gonna be okay?� I asked her meekly.

“I’ll be fine, dude. I’m always fine.� A smile erased her serene expression as she made her way towards me to offer a weak hug. “I’ll see you at your show tonight, right?�

“Yeah.�

“So hey, kick ass tonight for me. I’ll be cheering you on from right here.�

I hated to hurt her feelings like this. She had this incredible way of making me feel guilty by smiling in the face of adversity. “Are you sure you’re all right?�

“I’m fine.� We both turned to see Summer emerging from the other side of the room with the closest thing I had to perfection enveloped in her arms. “You go do your daddy thing,� Cameron encouraged. “I’ll see you tonight.�

“Tonight,� I repeated, walking adamantly towards my baby as Cameron exited the room. As I received her from Summer, I said to her, “Thank you for coming up this week. You don’t know how much I appreciate it.�

“I know you’re busy,� she smiled. “It’s easier getting to New York than it is to California, so I was glad to do it.�

“Once the tour is over, we’ll have to work out something,� I commented, leaning against the expensive wood of the dining room table. “You shouldn’t have to take all the trips.�

“No, but if you’re out in public with her, you’re bound to get caught. And you know how I feel about that.�

“I know...�

“So it’s best if I bring her to you,� she finished. “At least until she’s older.�

Again, I nodded, unable to say what my heart was thinking. I was always walking on eggshells with Summer, due to the fact that I treated her like shit throughout the duration of her pregnancy, so I shut my mouth in almost all situations regarding Jailyn. “I can’t believe she’s almost six months.�

“They grow so fast,� she seemed to agree. She pulled out one of the table’s chairs, sitting below me and staring up at the back of Jai’s head. “Are you excited about tonight?�

“More like nervous.�

“Nervous? Why?�

“‘Cause I’m weird,� I decided with a shrug. I stood there, knowing I had to go, but so desperately wanted to stay there with my daughter, clung to her perfect innocence; maybe in hopes that some of her would rub off on me. From what I could tell by the way her eyes slowly closed and barely reopened, I figured Jailyn wasn’t really in one of our conversational moods, which is why I hadn’t said anything to her. I just loved to look at her. “I guess I should get outta here.�

“She’ll be here in the morning,� Summer tried to comfort me. “Go do your thing.�

“I’ll see you tomorrow?� I told Jailyn, although intonation turned my statement into a question. She didn’t answer, but batted her little brown eyelashes when I kissed her forehead. “Wish me luck.�

“You don’t need luck,� Summer grinned, taking our daughter back into her arms. “Just have fun.�

That was the least I could do.

It’s a special occasion
A cause for celebration
I ain’t gonna let nobody’s drama bother me

The show was finally, thankfully coming to a close – not that it had been especially bad, or anything – but I was just ready to go and get that fucking camera dude out of my face. But, just to temporarily escape him for the umpteenth time that night, I headed for the bar, hoping to make it back to my seat before the commercial break ended.

I’d ordered my second rum and Coke of the night and was waiting for the bartender to complete my order when I felt a pinch of my ass and a whisper in my ear. “Congratulations, baby.� I spun on my heel to find Devin grinning back at me.

“Thank you,� I beamed back, leaning in to give her a quick hug while simultaneously trying to inconspicuously check her out in the accentuating black dress she had on. “Congratulations to you, too. You were awesome out there.�

“You saw me?�

“Of course I did. Obviously, I knew your spot with Christina, but it took me a minute or two to find you with Beyonce.�

“Oh yeah, with all forty of us.� She chuckled and wiped imaginary sweat from her brow. “It was fun, though.�

“I could tell you were having fun.�

“How ‘bout you? Pimpin’ it with your three awards! I’m so proud of your ass.�

I offered a cheesy grin, finally receiving my drink from the bar. “So, what you doin’ after the show?�

“Whatever,� she shrugged. “A few of the girls and I were gonna stop by your show and then take it from there.�

“Oh, girls night out, huh?�

“Why? What you doin’?� she smirked.

“Well, I have a show, obviously; after that, it’s anybody’s guess.�

She grabbed the red plastic cup from my hand, taking an unsolicited sip and handed it back to me. “Well, I don’t have a phone, thanks to Miss Christina–.�

“What did she do?� I interrupted curiously.

“I dunno. I let her use it during rehearsal this morning and she managed to ‘misplace’ it in the fifteen minutes I was gone.�

“Damn.�

“Yeah, so I don’t have a phone. But if you wanna save me the last dance tonight, I can be back in my room by 4:00.�

Nodding, I finally took my own sip of my beverage and gave her a wink. “Will do.�

It feels like somethin’s heatin’ up
Can I leave with you?

After my show, and subsequently, successfully ditching Cameron without too many hurt feelings, I found myself at Jay-Z’s club, 40/40. When Pharrell told me to stop by, I knew I should’ve just declined, but that was one of those moments I’d told Cameron about – I just can’t say ‘No.’

But anyway, I was there – had been for almost an hour. And, it didn’t suck or anything, but I knew I was only in for trouble. “Justin Timberlake!� I heard loudly behind me when I walked into what I thought to be the empty cigar VIP room.

I turned to find a seemingly wasted Beyonce laid across the back couch of the room, still decked out in her shiny ass Versace coatdress from the show, smiling back at me with a martini glass glued to her hand. “Sorry, they told me this was the only empty room left upstairs.�

“It’s okay,� she encouraged, turning down the television she’d been watching. “Come sit down, baby.�

“I don’t wanna disturb you,� I smiled sheepishly, beginning to turn around.

“Boy, if you don’t come sit down.� She sat up straight, reclaiming the shoes that were scattered over the cushions. “I ain’t seen you in forever.�

“I know...�

“I was startin’ to think you forgot my number,� she chuckled, eyeing me when I took a seat next to her.

“Well hey, you’re the one that’s been cavorting around town with Sean Carter,� I joked.

“That don’t mean you can’t call.�

“I didn’t know what was goin’ on.�

“Or, you were just too busy with, what’s her name? Cameron Dias?�

“Diaz,� I innately corrected her. “But no, that’s not what I’ve been doing. Just been busy workin’.�

“Oh yeah, you had your tour this summer. How did that go?�

As I answered, she suddenly rose from the couch to walk toward the door, locking it with the key she had hidden in her pocket. “It’s going well,� I nodded to myself. “We had a little drama a couple of weeks ago with the stage, and then there was the blackout... But it’s been good.�

“Glad to hear that.�

“Yeah.�

“I’m startin’ my tour in Europe at the end of the year.�

“Really?� I had to pretend to sound excited. It’s not that I didn’t care – I just wanted to get out of there before I got into some shit I couldn’t get out of. Namely, Jay-Z walkin’ his ass up in there. “You kicked ass tonight, by the way.�

“Thank you,� she beamed, sitting back down. “You don’t know how nervous I was.�

“I can imagine. At least you had a hit song on your side,� I told her with raised eyebrows. “The VMAs was my coming out party.�

“It paid off, though. Wit’ your three awards tonight?�

I nodded, smiling. “You got three, too, right?�

“Did I?� She wrinkled her nose adorably, pondering my few words. “I guess I did,� she finally realized with a giggle. “Sounds like that’s our lucky number.�

I laughed, remembering my other dealings with things involving three within the past month. “I guess so.�

Turns out, that wasn’t all that was lucky for me that night.

I don’t know what I’m thinkin’ ‘bout
Really leavin’ with you

After my appointment with Beyonce’s face, not to mention a few of her other things, I headed for Suede for another ‘appointment’ before hitting up my hotel again. I wasn’t tired, but it was past 4:00 and I was trying to avoid standing up the only date I actually was looking forward to that night.

I had my sights set for Devin’s 12th floor room, walking to the elevator and everything. And then I saw Mya. Yes, Mya. ‘My ass is like whoa’ Mya. Exactly. “What’s up?� I greeted as we passed one another in the lobby. Her expression told me she felt like shit on a stick, but I didn’t know whether I was supposed to act like I noticed or what.

“Hey,� she answered dryly, turning around to walk with me to the elevator.

“You okay?� I chuckled. “You done partying for the night?�

“I didn’t even start yet,� she managed to smile. “My car left without me and I’ve been tryin’ to find a damn ride all night.�

“Where you tryin’ to go?�

“I don’t even know now.� Whining, she took the liberty of leaning against me as we waited for the elevator to arrive. “I’ve been so bored.�

“Aww.� I rubbed the side of her bare shoulder, feigning some shape of sympathy.

“Are you in for the night? Or are you going back out?�

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere else,� I stupidly admitted, yawning. “Shit, it’s time for bed, isn’t it?�

“If only I could sleep,� she flirted, walking into the empty elevator ahead of me.

I think you can guess where that went.

Gentlemen, good night
Ladies, good morning

Okay, I know what you’re thinkin. Hey, I’ll be the first motherfucker to admit that I can be a big ass ho sometimes. Tonight was just one of those nights. But can you blame me? I was in celebratory mode. Depression was slowly but surely overtaking me, and I just needed something to take my mind off of it. I don’t need that condescending tone of disapproval from you. Just to balance it out, I won’t have anymore sex for another month. How’s that? Well, after this.

“Knock, knock,� I whispered into the door of room 1212, awaiting the occupant to let me inside.

“You’re late,� Devin called from the other side of the room. “As hell.�

“I’m sorry,� I said quietly, resting my tired head against the door. “But could you let me in?�

She fiddled with the locks for a minute before finally revealing herself, still wearing the hot little black number she rocked the shit out of at the show tonight. “Where the fuck have you been?� Out of my jeans pocket, I pulled the Samsung I knew she’d be dying to see and handed it to her before she could scold me anymore. “My phone!�

“Your phone,� I repeated, strolling casually into her relatively small room – compared to mine, of course.

“How the hell’d you get it?� she marveled, slamming the door shut as she began to examine it for scratches. “Thank you!�

“You’re very welcome.�

“How’d you get it?� she asked again.

“You said you left it with Christina, right?�

“Justin, you stole my phone from her?�

“No,� I cackled. “We were hangin’ out tonight and we found it in her car.�

She gave me a knowing glare and plopped into her queen-sized bed. “You fucked her, didn’t you?�

“I dunno what you’re talkin’ about,� I lied, glancing at the television screen before sitting on her bed with her. “All I did was get your phone for you, baby.�

“Well, thank you,� she grinned. “Dude, how many times have you changed clothes tonight?�

“What?�

“You had on your suit at the show, the red shirt and jeans at your show and now you got on this,� she explained, tugging at my Beatles shirt. “You went all Eminem on me.�

“He did change like eight times, didn’t he?�

“Him and Fiddy,� she laughed, rolling over with a sigh. “I guess I can put on my pajamas, too.�

Or, you can just get naked. “Why you still sittin’ around in that little ass dress anyway?�

“Dude, I came back to my hotel around 3:00, started watchin’ movies, and I haven’t moved a muscle since then.�

“I can see that,� I chuckled. “Have you eaten?�

“No, ‘cause I was waitin’ on yo’ bitch ass to show up.� She hopped up from the bed and threw me a hotel menu before pulling off her slinky dress so that she was only clad in a lacy black thong. “Just get me a burger and some fries or somethin’. And don’t be chargin’ a bunch of random shit to my room.�

“I got you,� I yelled back, just as she disappeared her fine ass into the bathroom, leaving me to salivate over the sight she left me with.

I got a crush on you, my baby
So let’s put a rush on us, sweet lady
Maybe we can share all of the things we have dreamed lately
‘Cause I got a crush on you, my baby

Half an hour later, Devin and I were stretched across her messy bed with plates full of food in front of us, watching ‘The Original Kings of Comedy’ for what had to be the fiftieth time, at least for me. She had taken a shower and slipped into a t-shirt, while I’d kicked off my shoes and made myself comfortable – it was cool.

“That was a great show you did tonight,� she abruptly commented as D.L. Hughley took the stage.

I laughed, taking a buffalo wing from the twenty we were sharing. “You say that about every show I do.�

“Well, I usually mean it.�

“Ha. Ha.�

“No, seriously,� she grinned. “I almost died when I saw John Mayer up there. That was my fuckin’ dream show, dude.�

“You like John Mayer?� I asked in surprise.

“Who doesn’t like John!� she retorted smiling. “She’s always buzzin’ just like...�

“Neon, neon,� we simultaneously sang with fits of laughter infiltrating our off-key singing. “Who knew,� I added with an extra laugh.

Did it like the elements and wrote a song for ya
No kiddin’, word, my feelings gettin’ strong for ya

“Yeah, man. John is incredible with that damn guitar.�

“He is,� I agreed.

“I mean, so are you,� she immediately added. “To this day, I wonder how it is you manage to dance your ass off, rock it out on the guitar, move to the damn piano and jam like nobody’s business and still hit those notes.�

“I’m just doin’ my job,� I modestly shrugged.

“You’re amazing at what you do,� she pressed. “I know you hear it everyday, but I’m sure it’s always nice to know there’s another fan lurking out there.� She gave me a beautiful grin that would’ve turned me to ice in an oven if I hadn’t been monstrously chewing chicken to detract from my jitteriness.

“Thanks,� I replied, biting my bottom lip.

And if I really had a chance, I’mma pick you
You got class and finesse, you dress sick too

“How much were those crabcakes?� she asked me, taking a disgustingly huge bite of the cheeseburger that sat on her new plate, while eyeing the seafood on mine.

“I told you I got it covered,� I replied, stealing a few of her fries from her plate. “Stop worrying about money, girl.�

“I was askin’ ‘cause I want some of my own,� she divulged with a mouth full of food. “Unless I can have yours...�

“Nah girl, don’t fuck with my food.�

“Just gimme one,� she pleaded. “No wait, one and a half.�

“You gotta give me somethin’ then.� I goofily began to eye the length of her entire body, flirtatiously wiggling my eyebrows at her.

She rolled her baby blues and decided, “I don’t want ‘em that damn bad.�

I’mma holla at ya every time you pass by
And if I don’t get you now, this ain’t the last try

“You know you do, girl. Don’t even try to play that game again.�

You play hard to get, I like steppin’ up

“Well,� she easily relented with a smirk, “maybe a little. But not tonight.�

My life ain’t over yet, we both got enough time

“What the hell are we here for then?�

“Can’t we just be?� she snapped, slapping my hand out of its travel toward her ass. “I don’t have to be naked to be good company.�

“Nobody knows that better than I do,� I quickly defended.

“Good,� she grinned. “Then let’s just... talk.�

I known your pretty ass for years, but don’t know ya know ya

“Okay. Let’s talk.� I continued to pick at my crabcakes, somewhat disappointed, but still complacent. Besides, I’d had sex three times already that night. How could I complain? “Hey,� I suddenly proclaimed in realization.

With a mouth full of fries, she asked, “Yeah?�

My paternal instincts must have kicked in for a minute, because I subconsciously brought my thumb to her lips to wipe the traces of ketchup that lingered near them. And as if that weren’t lame enough, I continued to stare at her without any words. She was obviously an attractive person, no doubt about that, but she had a carefreeness about her that made her shine from the inside. Sitting there gazing, I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew that about herself.

We gettin’ older and I feel I got some things to show ya

“What is it?� she chuckled, once she recognized that I hadn’t said anything more.

“Do you believe in fate?� I queried. I didn’t know where the hell that question came from, but something inside me quelled and I found myself needing to suddenly have an honest conversation.

“Do I believe in fate.� She inhaled sharply and dropped her sandwich to her plate. “I dunno what to say to that.�

“Say what you think.�

“I don’t really know if I know what fate is,� she smiled.

“Like, do you think that it doesn’t matter what you do in life because destiny holds the keys to the end of it anyway? Do you think that whether we’d met nine years ago or nine days ago, we still would’ve ended up here, having this conversation?�

“It is...six in the morning,� she yawned, glancing at the clock above the television. “Why you tryin’ to get all philosophical?�

“It’s just a question,� I grinned back. “I thought of it, so I asked it.�

“Well, what do you think?�

“I think that... the choices we make predict immediate outcomes. Like, I slept with Summer and she got pregnant, right?�

“Right...�

“But, I think that fate would’ve given me Jailyn whether it had been Summer or Mikey or... whoever...� I trailed off when I noticed Devin smiling at the side of my face and it made me more nervous than I liked to be when I was around her. “What?� I paused, licking my lips.

“The way you look at things...� She was still beaming, causing the smile on my face to widen as well. “You have an incredible perspective on life.�

“I think it’s from being observant,� I demurred. “That’s what my mom says, anyway.�

“Mmhm,� she nodded, fiddling with her tamed, curly ponytail.

“I was actually wondering something, though.� I smiled softly, trying not to drift into a daydream while looking at her.

“What’s up?�

Imagine if you felt the same way I feel for ya

“You think maybe, when the tour’s over, you could sneak off to Hawaii with me? Possibly?� I questioned meekly. “Pretty please?�

“Hawaii? With you?� She rolled out of the bed, taking her plate with her to plop onto the room service cart, very obviously avoiding my request.

“That would be what I said,� I chuckled.

You see, that’d be somethin’
This thing we could have together, but you be frontin’

“You really think that’s a good idea?�

Confused, I watched her spin in a dazed circle, most likely trying to figure out how to let me down easily. “Devin, what’s wrong?�

“Nothing,� she responded, shaking her head. “I just – I mean... Hawaii?�

“Well yeah, I have to go meet Cameron there for some birthday shit she wants to do. But after that, I could use some good company,� I smiled, tempted to laugh at my little dig at Cameron. “Please?�

“Justin...�

Take your time though, I really don’t mind
Anytime, I’mma make your pretty ass mine

“Just think about it?� I didn’t want her to tense up on me and start actin’ all weird again. The past few months had gone relatively well for the two of us.

Holla back shorty, I’m waitin’
Ready and willin’, anticipatin’

“I just... I – like... I mean, what are we trying to say with something like that?� Her face contorted into all kinds of external confusion and questioning. “I mean, not that I don’t wanna go.�

“But what?�

It don’t matter what it is, I’m there
Baby girl, open up, listen, I’m here

“Justin,� she sighed, finally sitting back down on her bed, but still unwilling to face me. “This – you and me – this thing. Look, I’m scared of you,� she nervously chortled. “I mean – no, that didn’t come out right. I’m not scared of you, but I’m scared of, like, the effect you have on me. I’m scared of what you do to me.�

“And what’s that?� I cautiously inserted.

“I... I get this weird feeling when I’m with you. Like, right now, I don’t – I don’t want the sun to come up ‘cause I don’t want you to leave.� She swallowed visibly, darting her aquamarine eyes around the boxy room. “But when you go, I’m still kinda left with like, this lingering feeling of –,� she paused to sigh again and turned to finally look me in the eye. “You make me smile, dude. You make me laugh... somehow. You just make me happy, I guess.�

“And I feel the same way about you,� I smiled, suddenly feeling extremely complete.

“Yeah, for now. The thing is – like, the reason I’m scared – is ‘cause what happens when that feeling leaves, you know?�

“Devin–.�

“‘Cause, I don’t wanna be the next girl whose heart you break, Justin.�

I was really getting tired of hearing that as an excuse to stay away from me. Maybe I was becoming incapable of loving because people were just so fucking unwilling to love me in return. “Listen, Dev, I can’t predict the future. And I’m not perfect–.�

“No, trust me – I know that,� she interrupted, falling to her pillows with a very light laugh. “I mean... I know you let go of Mikey because of her ‘insecurity’ or whatever, but maybe you don’t realize that that’s a common trait in all women. And I’m just as scared as she was that you’re gonna get bored; or that you’ll realize how much better someone else is for you; or that you’ll see I’m not as perfect as you want me to be.�

Last but not least, before I go
There’s somethin’ else that you should know

“I’m not expecting you to be perfect,� I assured her. “And you shouldn’t try to be. Just know that you’re perfect to me.�

I’m your number one fan, wanna add you to my plans
I’m there when your plane lands

“God, you’re so gay,� she smiled, trying to hide the tear that fell down the side of her face. “How do you manage to make me cry and smile at the same time,� she whined.

“Go figure,� I said, picking up my plate to place it on the cart adjacent to the bed. Lying down next to her, I nestled into the softness of her stomach, using her as my pillow. “You smell like... fuckin’ Heaven,� I whispered into her shirt, intoxicating myself with her scent – a concoction of what I’d imagine the color pink to smell like if it were an aroma.

Delicate like a flower
I’mma love you with all my power
Think about you every minute, every hour

“I don’t wanna do this,� she honestly professed. “I don’t wanna fall for someone that doesn’t wanna catch me. But, at the same time... I can’t help but take this chance. ‘Cause it’s you.�

“So you’ll come?� I lit up in hope.

“I’ll come,� I felt her nod, beginning to run her fingers over my buzz cut. “Just don’t fuck me up, dude.�

Her sudden touch, added to her agreement to join me, felt like a world of wonderment had suddenly been lifted from my shoulders. “Hey,� I began, affectionately intertwining my fingers with her free hand, “I won’t break your heart if you don’t break mine.�

All I need is a number and a chance
Save me the last dance

Lyrics:
"Like That" - Mariah Carey (The Emancipation of Mimi)
"Senorita" - Justin Timberlake (Justified)
"Crush on You" - Mr. Cheeks (Back Again!)