"The past six years have been one big rollercoaster ride. A ride with never ending drops, climbs and sudden flips that would drive any one mad. Three platinum albums; a well-publicized romance and the biggest heartbreak; three sold-out world tours; and a diagnosis that brought the entire rollercoaster to a complete stop. After four years, I'm back. Join me on the new rollercoaster ride I'm on with the last six months before my album drops with promotional tours, photoshoots and all the writing, recording and awkward situations that I've always put myself into. Take a look into my personal life with my family, the crazy relationship I have with my brother Brian and the ... interesting collaborating relationship I have with my ex-romance and take a look into the fast-paced day-to-day process of that of a returning Pop Star. Hear my uncensored thoughts, my breakdowns, my exciting moments ... this is me, without limitations. This is raw, untouched. You think you know, but you have no idea. This is ... the Diary of Audrina Littrell."

She stood in the wings of TRL Studios, eyes casting away from the jumbo screen in the center of the stage that had just played a commercial of their show, Diary that she had just finished recording. Nerves were fluttering, heart pounding as she listened to Lyndsey Rodriques introduce her. This was it.

"Our next guest is making her comeback after four years away from the spotlight; having sold ninety million dollars and marketing another forty in merchandising and DVD sales alone. She sold-out three world tours and in 2004 began work on her own line of perfumes but abruptly pulled out and took personal time off. Known before as the baby sister of Brian Littrell, she definitely made her name stand out from his. Now, returning to the spotlight with a new album dropping next week and already a number one single for the last three weeks, everyone give a warm welcome to Audrina Littrell!"

She inhaled, releasing the air and hearing the first single from her new album blare from the speakers as she walked towards Lyndsey, a broad smile on her face. She had missed this.

"Hi, Audrina!"

"Hello, hello," she greeted, walking into Lyndsey's extended arms and hugging her tightly. "It's so nice to be here, I've missed this studio!"

"And we've all missed seeing you! How've you been? In good health these days? We know that you had taken personal time off to care for yourself ..."

She tucked a hair behind her ear, nodding. "I've been feeling pretty good lately; the adreneline is really keeping me feeling upbeat and very, very excited about all of this. Gotta take care of myself, and I'm definitely not overlooking any of that."

"Are you excited for your album to be released?"

"Excited, nervous, scared ... all these crazy emotions that I'm not quite sure where they came from. I'm so afraid people aren't going to accept me coming back and that I'm just going to be another object to be put on a shelf. I just hope people haven't forgotten me!"

Lyndsey smiled, gesturing towards the audience and towards the streets behind them. "I don't think you need to worry about being forgotten, Audrina: we had to have police calm down all your fans out there and we had to turn down everyone trying to come up because there was no room! Your single is number one, too - it's sold the most digitally and in stores than any single this year. I'd say you're making an amazing comeback."

"I hope so," she chuckled, watching as Lyndsey walked towards a fan who was crying. "Aww, honey ..." she followed Lyndsey, feeling the heart strings tug as she reached for the girl's hand and hugged her when she stood up. "I've missed you guys!"

"They've missed you, too," she laughed, the fan sitting down and putting a hand to her mouth in shock at what had just happened. "We actually have a clip coming up after this break involving Audrina and one of the most pivotal scenese I had ever seen in Diary history. So stay tuned!"

"Simple things became a chore for me. Things that used to take no struggle were suddenly tiring me out quickly. I slept, I hid away from my family, my brother, my boyfriend. Heart disease to me was a death wish. Especially, for women. I was angry at my parents for having me, knowing that Brian's condition was congenital, angry at God, angry at myself for ignoring what had been me thinking I was overworking myself for a disease. Valvular Stenosis. A disease that is treatable, but in cases could lead to heart failure and possibly death if overlooked for too long. Had I overlooked it too long? Was my death sooner than I had wanted it to be?"

"I was given medications control my heartbeat. Antiarrhythmic medications. Mitral Valve had always given me an irregular heartbeat as a child, but I never suspected it to lead to more. It was more common than people understood, it followed closely by murmurs, but suddenly, a common condition was my execution."

The screen left an emotional looking Audrina to a past video of a wide-angled shot of the front of her house, her beloved Range Rover sitting in the arch of the driveway, Brian's blond head appearing on the screen, rummaging for keys in his hands as he approached the front door. The camera followed him as he went inside, hollering her name as he set his things down one by one as he walked: keys, carry-on bag filled with clothes he was going to have while he stayed with her, hooded sweatshirt. He toed off his shoes, leaving them too as he walked, hand gripping her banister and walking up the slightly curved staircase to the stairs.

The house was her pride and joy. It had originally been Jessica Simpson's bachelorette pad after her split with Nick Lachey, it a four bedroom, three bath abode that was more classic than modern, with large windows and open spaces that she had filled to make it feel more like home. It was her retreat away from the world, and retreat, she did.

"Rina? Come on, I know you're in there ..."

The camera settled on the two french doors of the master bedroom, Brian standing desperately in front of them. Within a few moments, the door opened slowly, Brian pushing it to open more to his liking as he took in the sight of his sister. He had been the first person she let see her after she found out, the only person for a few more days. The door closed behind him, and as the video faded out, her cries and his low, soothing sounds were the last things heard to the viewer.

Audrina turned away from the screen, fale pale as she relived the moments once more. It had been an emotional few weeks, the few weeks where she decided to put off her career to take care of herself. Though it was a hard decision to make, it was the best decision she had made.



She sat, curled on her couch with a blanket around her shoulders and a mug of hot tea nursed in her hands as she watched an old episode of 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition'. The day had been exhausting, and as she sat in the back seat of her limo as it took her home, the calls of the ultra plush couch she had bought just for exhausted kind of occasion had been echoing in her ears since TRL had ended.

Of course, after TRL she had to take a trip down to Virgin Megastore with Lyndsey and sign a few hundred of her singles and take photos with the people who had camped out below TRL to catch even a glimpse of her.

She remembered feeling this way years ago as a fresh-faced twenty-two-year-old, but here she was, two years shy of thirty and she felt like she was sixty.

"Are you ready? Everyone say it with me! Bus driver, MOVE THAT BUS!"Everytime. Everytime she watched their reactions she became almost as emotional as the families that had gotten a new home were. And almost everytime, she ended up crying the rest of the episode. There wasn't an exception this time, either.

She wiped at her eyes frantically when she heard someone knock gently before opening the door, she muting the television as she heard her name being called softly, it echoing through the high ceilings of the foyer and into her ears. Her heart skipped a beat. It couldn't be.

Putting her mug down and pulling the blanket off, she got up and stepped lightly into the hall, the dimmed chandelier casting a barely there glow to the smiling face standing in the middle of the foyer. "JC?"

"Hey, darlin'," he said softly, eyes knitting in confusion as he saw the traces of tears on her face. "What's wrong? You okay? Brian? What happened?"

"Huh?" She froze as he motioned towards her eyes, she blushing slightly as she reached up and wiped the remnants of teardrops. "I was just watching Ty."

"I should have known," he laughed. "I swear you have every show TiVoed."

"I do."

"Well, come over and give me a proper hello, would you? I haven't seen you in nearly three months."

"That's cause we don't date anymore and my album is finished?"

"Oh, so that is what you called me for? To put my name to your record? I see how it is," he teased, turning on his heel as she protested, he laughing. "I came over to see you. Happened to catch the last bit of TRL and wanted to see how you're doing."

"You and Brian, I swear," she mumbled, motioning for him to follow her as she went back into the room, the show still playing in silent. She sat down, leaving the remote but grabbing her blanket and grabbing the tea once more as JC sat down opposite her on the couch. "I'm fine, Jace. You know if I were to be having problems you'd be second in line after my family to know."

"I know, I just ... I worry."

"Well, stop," she said, giving him a sad smile. "I'm twenty-eight if you remember correctly, JC. Not eight. I don't need people to hold my hand constantly."

"But sometimes, it's nice."

"I'll give you that."

"You know what else you can give me?"

She looked over at JC with a raised eyebrow. "You know, some men just don't change."

He laughed, shaking his head. "No, no, no! I meant, I'd like a hug. I haven't gotten one from you yet."

She sipped her tea, setting the mug down and leaning over, her body weight against his as he hugged her tightly. "I did miss you."

"I missed you too, Rina," he said softly, kissing the top of her head and tightening his grip around her. It felt good to hold her again, even after the small absence of her not being around, the environment was always different when she was there. It had been a scary last two years with her when she was diagnosed, and he had never taken another hug or kiss for granted. He still didn't.

"Are you going to stay for a while? Brian should be getting in from his flight in about an hour."

"Maybe for a little bit longer," he replied, "I don't want to cut in on brother-sister time."

"You're always welcome here, JC," she said softly. "Really."

"I know," he nodded, "and I appreciate that. But I know you haven't seen him in a while so I'd be like a third wheel while you two play catch up." She had released her grip around his neck from the hug, but her head was still resting on his shoulder, though he wasn't really complaining. The family on the television were hugging, too, tears of happiness falling down their faces. They had been granted their one wish.

He closed his eyes, letting the faint scent of her apple body spray linger in his nose as he remembered back then, when all he did was wish for her to be healthy. So far, his wish was holding steady, no major problems occurring. So far. She shifted her weight and sat back down, head resting on the back of the couch cushion as he studied her face. "So how do you feel?"

"Tired," she said softly, shrugging. "But it's a side affect of the medication, too. I've had a long day, so I'm sure that's adding up to it. But it's good to see a familiar face in the midst of all the strangeness of today."

"I'm glad I could be the familiar face," he smiled as she reached forward, cupping the side of his cheek and rubbing his skin gently with her thumb. "I'm surprised you aren't napping."

"I've got after death to nap."

His heart skipped a beat, the familiar dropping feeling in his chest once more at the mention of death coming from her. "Audrina -"

"Life is not meant to be wasted by sleep, Jace. I didn't mean it like that -"

"But it is ten o'clock. You could call it an early night," he said softly, heart still pounding. Suddenly, death scared him shitless.

"I'll just lie here," she said softly, hiding a yawn behind her hands as she spoke to him. "Can I use your leg as a pillow?"

He laughed. "Of course. Your bony head was missed by my thigh."

"I don't have a bony head," she mumbled, barely giving him a fight with that line, "you've just got toothpicks for legs." She lay her head down, pulling the blanket up to her shoulder as she lie on her side, watching the beginnings of another show. "Thank you for coming to see me."

He put his hand to the blonde hairs that were falling on his legs, running his fingers gently through her hair was he felt her sigh deeply. "Anytime, Rine; anytime." He continued stroking her hair, her breathing slowly becoming deep and even, signalling that she had fallen asleep. He knew it would happen, she wasn't one to fight sleep very hard.

Covering her with the blanket a little more, he leaned forward, grabbing the remote and lowering the volume, unmuting it so that the voices were low, barely heard, though he could understand. It was then that he made a promise to himself: the relationship that he and Audrina had was purely work-related now. He didn't care what he had to do, what he had to prove, but he'd ease his way into her life again, he'd be the one to take care of her if she needed it. Suddenly, he wanted to be near her at all times. He wasn't going to lose her.

She tugged on the green camisole she wore, jacket hanging on her arm as she sat in the car that awaited in front of the studios as they waited for her escort to help her inside the building without being attacked by media and fans. "Brian, what if this flops? What if I'm a commercial disaster? That my leaving was basically the death of my career?"

"That's nonsense," he argued, "Everyone loved you before and with the reception you're getting now, I highly doubt you'll flop. Besides, Rina, you're one of the most talented people in the industry." He smiled, they both turning their head as the door opened and a hand appeared to help her out. She accepted the hand, slightly cringing at the screams that pierced her ears, she looking up and waving to her fans as Brian stepped out behind her. If it were possible, the screams got even louder, she feeling him reach for her upper arm as she slowed, letting him link her arm with his. "Besides, who else will I collaborate with once the guys take another brief hiatus? I'd rather be here than at home thinking about it."

She chuckled, looking over at him as he squeezed her arm in reassurance. "Coming from Mr. Homebody? You go overseas for how long and you aren't even dying to see your wife and child?"

"Of course I want to see them," he smiled, they both stopping to sign autographs, "but I haven't seen you in a while and I know that once promotion picks up even more, I won't see you for months on end."

She turned, catching his cheesy grin as he glanced over his shoulder, she laughing and finishing up a few more signatures before turning and saying goodbye as she went into the studio, Brian following quickly behind. "I actually get to stay in New York up until the album is dropped and then I fly out to LA. So I'm here for another like, week or so."

"And then album drop day," he grinned, she suddenly feeling nervous. "Don't worry, you're gonna do great. The guys wish you luck, too. They all flew back to Florida for other things, though AJ may be meeting me in LA in a few days for a premiere."

"You'll have to give him a hug for me," she smiled, turning towards the producer that was approaching her. "Hello."

"Miss Littrell," he said professionally, nodding his head at Brian, "Mr. Littrell -"

"Oh goodness, we sound like we're married," Brian laughed, he shuddering behind her, "Brian is good for me, and I'm sure it'd be okay to call her Audrina."

"Very well," he said, giving them a gentle smile, "Audrina, if you just follow me to hair and make-up, you can meet Oprah in a little bit and she'll rundown what she'll be discussing so there aren't any awkward moments. Brian, they're waiting for you down in wardobe."

"Wardrobe?"

Audrina laughed, turning to look at him, "I kind of requested it, since I knew you'd be in a t-shirt and jeans -"

"Rine -"

"It's Oprah, Brian. Slacks and a button-up, come on."

"God, you sound like mom and Leigh."

"I learned from the best," she laughed, waving him off, "I'll see you in a little bit!"

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, waving back at her as an assistant whisked him off. "You owe me!"

"Yeah, yeah," she mocked, grinning as they took her into the make-up room, a woman saying her hello with a wide smile as Audrina sat down. "I'm Audrina."

"Stacy," she smiled, shaking her hand. "It's so nice to see you back, Audrina. I was such a big fan before you went on your personal leave. And I love the new single."

"Thank you," she smiled, looking up as Stacy dabbed foundation under her eyes, "I liked that song, too."

"It sounds like JC had a touch on it. Really upbeat and very ... him."

She laughed. "Actually, it was all me. But I guess being with and around him for so long, you start doing things like the other person. I grew to love his tastes in the studio and it rubbed off I guess." She laughed, opening her eyes as Stacy grinned, dipping the brush into the black for eyeliner. "The record label actually wants to release the song we did together for a movie, so it's probably going to be the second single along with the song Brian and I worked on."

"Really?"

"Yeah," she smiled. "Some romantic comedy that Kate Hudson is in? Was it Kate Hudson?" She pursed her lips, thinking. "Or maybe it was Scarlett Johannsen? Gah, I don't know," she rolled her eyes at herself, shrugging. "I'm never good with what they tell me about movies. I go to watch them, but couldn't tell you who was in them."

Stacy laughed, using the bronzer on her cheeks and forehead. "At least you're good with names of people you work with, right? I mean, you never called JC someone else's name ... like AJ or something!"

Audrina grinned, watching her in the mirror as she applied eyeshadow, working on her lipgloss after. It was a silent few minutes as she finished up, Stacy placing a hand on her shoulder, "Toni will be in to do your hair, okay?"

She nodded, waving to Stacy as she left, her name being paged over the intercom. Shortly after her disappearance, Toni stood in the door, a broad smile on his face. "Hello, gorgeous," he greeted as she chuckled, saying hello. "Nothing too fancy, how about just down and straight?"

"Works for me," she smiled, reaching up and releasing her hair from the low ponytail she had it in, "more manageable that way, anyway."

"I'll say," he grinned, running his fingers in her hair, "you've got beautiful hair."

She chuckled, watching him play around on the counter with the hair straightener and hair products. "So, nervous?"

"Nervous isn't the word," she laughed uneasily, he laughing as he played with her hair some more. He finished quickly, wardrobe coming in and changing her into a pair of black pants and a deep red blouse. Soon, she was joining Brian at the side of the stage, waiting for them both to be introduced. "You look good, big brother."

He looked at her with a serious face, suddenly giving her the biggest grin he could stretch across his face. Looking down at the gray slacks and black sweater, he smiled. "I would have much rather been in my jeans, but I can live."

"If wardobe was up to you, you'd be in your plaid golf pants and a pink vest."

"I would," he grinned. "And you'd be in shorts and a tank top."

"Amen."

He chuckled, reaching over and wrapping an arm around her shoulder, listening as Oprah spoke of them briefly after the clip Audrina had shown at TRL the day before. "Still nervous?"

"A little."

"Maybe your nerves would be a little calm if you saw who was in the audience."

"Huh?"

He chuckled, pulling away from her and pointing out into the left section. "Look. Third person in, black button-up."

She gasped. "JC?!"

"The silent support system," Brian smiled, nudging her with his shoulder. "Plus, I think he's got some freaky crush on Oprah."

She chuckled. "I didn't know he was coming -"

"I uh, I asked him to." Brian gave her a shamed look, she shaking her head in disbelief. "Rina, he's been a part of your life for so long. I think he has been my favorite person you ever were with -"

"Why, because he worked on the album with you guys?"

He laughed. "No, because he was good. He's a genuinely good guy and he cares about you, regardless of your relationship. Why else did he show yesterday? Oh, and plus he doesn't know you know. It was a surprise."

"Our next guests are well-known in the music industry as the powerhouse brother-sister duo, both working independently and taking the world by storm: he with a platinum selling Christian album and part of the phenomenal group, Backstreet Boys; she a ninety million album selling artist, surpassing the pop princess Britney Spears and a marketable merchandise line that sells in the millions every year. Please welcome Brian and Audrina Littrell!"

She opened her mouth to speak, they both being motioned to go. "Saved by the introduction, Littrell," she mumbled, putting a smile on her face as Brian chuckled, following her out as Oprah got up, greeting them both. She sat down closest to Oprah, she smiling brightly at her. "It feels so good to sit on this couch again!"

Oprah laughed. "That's right! You were here right before your last tour kicked off. You were just a ball of energy!"

"I wish I had that much now," she chuckled. "It's surprising how much energy just drains as the years pass. Not to mention medication and training for touring again." She grinned, Oprah glancing at the two. "That, and chasing a nephew around on the playground."

"He is a ball of energy," Brian concluded, laughing. "Just like the two of us."

"Well, until you started middle school and then I was the shafted sibling because you were too cool for me."

Oprah laughed. "But look at you two now! Your next single being released is with the two of you collaborating on the song and you guys seem to be seen everywhere together -"

"I'm her big brother, I need to know what's she's doing at all times."

"Now, isn't that what a boyfriend is for?"

"Not with a Littrell," Brian laughed, Audrina shaking her head in disbelief. "Besides, she's single so I get to watch out for her."

"Shows how desperate I am," Audrina grinned, "my brother is broadcasting I'm single because he's sick of watching out for me."

"No, I -"

"Oh, don't deny it."

"I -"

"Ssh, Brian." Audrina laughed, looking back at Oprah. "He knows I've got good friends who call and check up on me when there's time to. We're all grown adults with jobs and careers. Some have families or some's family are their co-workers."

"You have quite a famous friend circle, too," Oprah smiled as photos flashed of her with Aundrea Fimbres and Aubrey O'Day from Danity Kane; one of her with Christina Aguilera; Kourtney Kardashian of the Kardashians; Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls. "How did you meet them all?"

"She's a social butterfly," Brian joked, "that and she just doesn't shut up."

Audrina jabbed him slightly with her elbow, grinning back at her. "I wrote with Aubrey and Aundrea during my time off. Aundrea and I had hit it off before, she was working at a studio and we just clicked. Aubrey was just thrown into the mix shortly after. Christina and I just got to know each other through Justin Timberlake when we both toured with him and I actually just sent her this whole load of baby clothes for Max, who is the most adorable baby I have ever seen ... besides my own nephew, of course. Kourtney and Nicole I've actually known for a while. Probably around the time I started is when I met Kourtney and Nicole and I met a few years prior when we were both trying to get into the business."

"And you keep in touch with most of them?"

"For the most part, Aundrea and Aubrey. It must be the 'Au' of our names, or something," she laughed, shaking her head. "Drea calls me almost daily to check in, to see how I'm doing, to tell me how she and Aubrey are doing, and Aubrey and I seem to be playing phone tag lately. They're probably my closest girl friends."

"And the guys," Oprah trailed off, eyes going back to the screen as the entire audience 'aww'ed at the picture of Brian and Audrina when they were about 7 and 2, Brian sitting on the couch with Audrina in his lap, matching smiles brightening up the photo. "Baby Littrell's! Now if you two didn't look alike now, you definitely did back then!"

They both laughed, Audrina hiding her reddening cheeks as another photo came up, she being carried on Brian's back when they were about 16 and 11. "Who is the culprit of these photos?"

Brian grinned. "I am, of course. Well, and mom."

"I was so geeky!" She shook her head, looking at the screen as shots of her with Nick Carter, AJ McLean and Howie Dorough flashed. "Aw, Kevin!"

"And this is the infamous cousin, Kevin Richardson," Oprah smiled, gesturing out towards the audience. "He used to be a part of the group with you, Brian."

"Yes, and then he left to become a daddy," Brian grinned. "Our honorary nephew Mason. Looks like Audrina at her age."

"And then we have this ..."

Audrina turned, eyes following Oprah's gaze and feeling her stomach twist as a photo of she and JC appeared, fresh into dating. She was tucked underneath his arm, they both sunburnt and tired, though very happy after a celebrity volleyball match, both adorned in their bathing suits. Soon, another followed from the two of them at the Grammy's, he in a classic black suit and she in a deep red Valentino gown. They were caught in mid-gaze, she smiling up at him with her hands resting on his chest, his hands holding at her waist. She jutted out her lip, suddenly feeling eyes on the back of her head. The next photo showed up, it of the she, Brian and JC at the Healthy Heart Club charity event, her head thrown back in laughter as JC held her torso, Brian holding onto her legs as they 'tugged' for possession of her.

Licking her lips, she fought back emotions, the last photo nearly bringing the tears to the corners of her eyes. It was in her backyard after her twenty-fifth birthday, the two of them lying togther with their legs tangled in the hammock, her head in the curve of his neck, his hand behind it, laced in her hair. They had both fallen asleep from all the excitement, the photo taken by her mother once they were found an hour later.

"Those were the days," she said, trying to sound cheery as she wiped tears away slightly, though masking it as just rubbing her face. Brian placed his hand on top of hers, squeezing gently to say he was there, she looking back at Oprah.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded, biting her lip. "It was just seeing all those people, every single one of them, have been there for me and I really don't know where I'd be if it weren't for them. They're the most amazing people with the biggest hearts."

"Of course, we asked you on this show to talk about just that: your heart. Brian's, too. Now, many people know that you, Brian, have battled heart problems since you were about five-years-old, when you battled for your life and ended up surviving, to just end up having two more surgeries, the most recent in June of 2004 to repair yet another hole."

"Yeah, Rina and I got the luck of the draw," Brian said, he lifting his arm and putting it behind her on the couch, turning his body so he could see his sister and Oprah equally. "What I have is a congenital heart defect, Ventricular Septal Defect, which is a hole in the ventricle. Luckily, I've had the holes caught early on with regular visits to my cardiologist, also Rina's, and have been a clean bill of health since. Audrina has Valvular Stenosis, which is basically the valve being smaller than it should be due to the leaflets being fused. They don't close all the way and blood leaks, and since the valve is so small, it makes the heart work harder. Both of our conditions can bring us both to heart failure, but we've been given the 'OK' to live life as normal, and we will. I've been touring, and she's just getting ready to go out on the road herself."

"Do you take an precautions?"

"I usually have an oxygen mask just in case, and for the first few months, I will have a doctor, just in case I think something is wrong," Audrina stated. "Brian did the same after his first surgery, and he came through fine. His is a little more serious, but they have given us both positive outlooks."

"With positivity came the Healthy Heart Club and the 'Family of Heart Disease Patients' foundation and charity, that you both founded and run, along with the camp you have for children of heart disease over the summer. Camp Healthy Heart."

"Which is a rip-off of the HHC," Audrina laughed. "But Brian allowed so it's okay."

"So the treatment. Do you take medications?"

"We both do, just to keep our hearts pumping normally," Audrina said softly. "He's got two and I've got one. It hasn't been too bad. Just hope that I won't need to up how much I take."

"What about the rest of your life? You came back from a personal hiatus and now you're releasing your album in just a week, your single has been number one for nearly a month and you've got a special on MTV airing tonight. No one special in your life? You're really single?"

She laughed, Brian chuckling beside her. "You say that like it's a bad thing! I just haven't really thought about being with anyone else but myself. My life is crazy and it's not something I'd want to bring just anyone into. When you are in a relationship that lasted for so long, your heart," she stopped, licking her lips, yet again feeling JC's eyes burn into her skin, "your heart just isn't into wanting to replace what it had before." She inhaled slowly, blowing the air out quickly as she glanced at Brian, he giving her a warm smile and a gentle squeeze of her shoulder. "When you invest six years with someone, your heart is fully theirs. It's not something that can be taken back so easily."

"And this relationship, you speak of JC Chasez, right? You two also collaborated on your album with a song that is actually going to be featuring in the movie 'Tragically Yours' coming out this summer. How is that going? Not the typical, 'don't ever talk to me again' ending to a relationship?"

"When we broke up," Audrina said softly, "we both wanted two different things. It wasn't as if we had done something wrong. It was a mutual break-up, but it hurt nonetheless. He had been a major part of my life for so long, had held my hand through so many procedures when I was sick, when Brian got sick; he was there when my albums reached number one, when I received my Grammy's; birthday parties, afterparties. Through all the good and the bad, he was there. He never ran away, never once had to leave the room when they'd poke and prod me with needles. When Brian couldn't be there, I knew he would be. If he was, JC was still there, being my support system. And when I called him to tell him of my decision to come back onto the music scene, he was so supportive and so ready to help me with whatever he could. It just seemed right to have him on the album."

"With a song called 'You & I', one that you stated in an interview was written over a lot of wine." Oprah laughed as Audrina grinned.

"A lot of wine. A lot of laughter. A lot of everything, really. It was really surprising to be able to be so comfortable with him, but then again, we were both in the same place where we had met. Brian had brought him in to help with a few songs and we really clicked. It was just like old times."

"Well, I've got a little surprise for you," Oprah smiled as she got up, Audrina following her with her eyes. It really wasn't a surprise, but she'd let her think it was. Turning her head to meet Brian's shamed gaze, she shook her head and looked back at Oprah as she spoke into the audience, JC's form standing up and walking down the stairs towards her. "JC agreed to sit in the audience while we spoke with you, and he's actually got something to say."

Her heart began to pound, instinctively putting her hand to her chest as Brian raised an eyebrow, she shaking her head to keep his worry at bay. What did he have to say? What was so important that he couldn't tell her last night? Or later today?

"Brian," she said softly, feeling his eyes on the side of her face, "please tell me she's joking."

"I wish I could," he replied back, his voice low. "I honestly didn't know this was going to happen ..."

"Figured."

JC chuckled, the two siblings bringing their attention back to the man standing across the stage with a microphone in his hand. "It's nothing bad, Rina, I promise." He grinned as her heart beats slowed to a normal rhythm, he clearing his throat and speaking. "You and I had been together for six years. And in those six years, I got see you at your most vulnerable for more than two. No one wants to see anyone they care about go through so much in your family, within yourself without feeling helpless. What you don't know, what no one knows, was that when you were diagnosed, my entire world came crashing down on me. I thought I was going to lose the one person who meant the world to me. I got educated then. I read up on your disease, on Brian's and I wanted to help. I know there's not much that anyone but your body can do to help you, but I know every little bit helps, so this is why I've got this." He pulled out a white piece of paper, both Audrina and Brian squinting to look at it. It was a check. "This is a check for two million dollars from myself, Lance, Chris, Justin and Joey, who have cared for you as long as I have," he said softly, biting his lip as she saw the emotion wash over his face, tears running down her cheeks, "one million for the Healthy Heart Club and the other for your foundation. I want anyone who suffers from heart disease to be taken care of, Brian to be taken care of ... you to be taken care of. All the money in the world can't buy a cure, but it can bring a step closer to someone finding it, right? That has been my one wish for the last four years: for you, Brian and everyone else out there, to not ever worry about it.

"You and Brian have been part of my family for more than seven years. From the moment I met you guys, the moment you and I became close, Audrina, your family's struggle was my own. When something happened and you hurt, I hurt. You're one of my best friends, Rina. I'm going to do everything in my power to keep you healthy. I love you guys."

Brian got up, he walking across the stage and accepting JC's outstretched hand, pulling him into a friendly hug. "Thank you, Jace. You don't know how much this means to me, to us. To everyone." He pulled away from the hug, all eyes on Audrina as she still remained seated, perfectly manicured hand to mouth as tears fell down her face. "Rina?"

Brian's voice came as an echo to her ears, she standing up slowly, heart thudding in her ears. Brian slowly approached her, she set only on the dark-haired man that stood directly in front of her then, shaking her head in disbelief as he looked at her, unsure of her actions. When she closed in on him, her arms wrapped around his neck, hugging him tightly as he laughed in relief, the entire audience clapping and cheering. "Thank you," she said softly, he tightening his grip on her, "you didn't have to do this, Jace. I know I have your support, and the guys'."

"I wanted to do this," he whispered, "I love you Rine; you're one of my best friends. I'm just trying to make sure that I've got you for life."

"You will," she said, pulling away and putting her hands to his cheeks as she looked into his eyes, "you will."

He grinned, nodding as she pulled away and looked at Brian, he wrapping an arm around her shoulder as JC came to her other side, she leaning into him. "I also wanted to tell you," he said, leaning down so that his mouth was by her ear, "to say hello to your tour partner."

"My what?" She looked up at him, confused. "Who?"

Laughing, he knelt back down. "Me."

She shook her head in disbelief as Oprah cued the show back to commercial. "But you - the show on MTV -"

"Found a replacement. They gave me a choice: tour with you or judge another season of the show. You know what my choice would have been."

"Music. Always music."

"Yep."

"And having me there doesn't hurt."

"I'm gonna try and be cordial to you."

She pushed him in a mock hurt manner, he grinning and wrapping his arms around her neck, looking down and gnawing at her head as she cried out in surprise. "You're such a weirdo."

"But you love me anyway."

"Sadly, I do."

"Heyyyy ..."

She grinned, turning back to Oprah as she motioned for the three of them to sit down. This time, she took a seat in between both men, Brian's hand clasping one of hers, while JC's held her other. As Oprah welcoming the audience back to the show, she began to speak.

"In case you missed what happened before the break, we've been sitting and talking to the Littrell's about their struggle and fight against heart disease. JC Chasez, a fellow musician and close friend to Audrina, just presented the siblings with a two million dollar check. Which, by the way," Oprah said, turning back into her chair to look at them, "we're going to double. I'm going to donate two million dollars of my own for both charities. Each."

"Aw, now you're just making me look bad!"

The whole audience laughed at JC's joke, Audrina squeezing his hand as he looked at her, still smiling.

"If you would like to donate money to the Healthy Heart Club or Family of Heart Disease Patients, log on to www.healthyheartclub.com or call 1-800-YOUR-FHDP. Thank you for tuning in and be sure to catch Audrina's very raw, very heartfelt episode of 'Diary' on MTV tonight at 10PM. Tomorrow, our guests include Debra Messing, Dr. Phil and musical guest KT Tunstall. Good night, everybody!"

"I'm going to go change out of these clothes. Meet you at the car," Brian said, excusing himself quickly as he walked out into the wings, waving to the audience as Oprah spoke to them.

"I can't believe you did this," she said softly, hand still holding the check in her hand. "How did you manage to get the guys to donate?"

"Manage? They asked to be part of it," JC said softly, giving her a weak smile. "Even if they weren't going to do it, there'd still be two million dollars there."

"Jace -"

"Audrina, I have more than enough money to live happily on without having to work a day in my life. But I choose to. I choose to donate my money to make you happy, healthy. Joey knew about me doing it first and mentioned it to Lance, who called me and said he wanted to pitch in. That, in turn, fell into Chris' grapevine who then told Justin. I then got a call from an angry Justin because I didn't call him to help. Let's just say, there are four men who would give up all their money to help a friend."

She looked back up from the check, eyes searching his face. "And you?"

"I'd give up everything to help you," he said softly, hand reaching forward and brushing a strand of hair away from her face. "I have to go. Flight to LA to start rehearsal for the tour."

"Jace -"

"I'll see you on the 25th," he smiled. "You're flying to LA for the drop, right? After New York?"

She nodded. "But I won't be there until -"

"We're going to party late into the night, Drine. We're going to have a lot to celebrate."

"Jace -"

"What?"

"Can I finish a senten-"

"No."

"JC!"

He laughed. "I was joking! Go ahead."

"Thank you."

He crossed the stage once more, placing a kiss to her forehead. "Anything for a friend. I'll see you on the 25th, 'kay? Take it easy and don't overwork yourself or I'm coming back to kick your ass."

"I will."

"Bye, darlin'."

"Bye, Jace."

She sighed deeply, looking down at the check. Anything for a friend. Friend. A year ago, when they were first starting to work together on her album, it wouldn't have bothered her. But suddenly, it did. Suddenly, friend was the worst insult she had ever heard in her entire life.

Audrina Has Risen
Resurrection drops today!

"It's a girl's day!"  Aundrea Fimbes said excitedly as the trio walked Soho hand-in-hand with matching smiles.  "We're getting pretty for tonight!"

The three women were later spotted at a salon getting manicures and pedicures (Audrina looked fresh-faced after a facial later on in the afternoon) and at a corner bistro snacking on sandwiches and coffee.

A few hours after their lunch, Audrina was spotted in TRL studios while the two-fourths of Danity Kane went into the studio audience to support their best friend. 

"She's such a beautiful person with a beautiful, strong heart," Aubrey O'Day smiled as the two exited the studio to wait for their friend in the awaiting car to take them to the airport for Audrina's album party later on that night (much later), "I don't think there is one person in this world that can say one bad thing about her."

"Well, maybe that she and JC aren't together anymore!"  Fimbres joked.  "But we're happy they're still friends, he took care of her.  He's a good guy."

"And she's a great, amazing woman."  O'Day finished, the two girls being escorted by bodyguards to the awaiting limo.  "Pick up her album, you'll see!"

"Pick up two copies!"  Fimbres grinned.  "Support our girl!"

Club North
Sunset Blvd.

 

"Rina, take a breather, your album is already released, girl," Aundrea Fimbres grinned, placing a hand on her friend's shoulder as she ran vigorously on the treadmill. "Seriously, you're going to overwork yourself. I don't know one thing about first aid and I don't think you want me doing mouth-to-mouth on you."

"Especially when I don't know where those lips have been," Audrina joked, grinning as her friend feigned hurt. "Oh, Drea, lighten up. I'm fine. I just need to run off some thoughts, some alcohol from last night ..."

"A little hungover are we?"

"If little means a lot, then yes." She smiled, slowing the piece of equipment down before bringing it to a complete stop. "Where's Bree? Still in bed?"

"It's 6AM, we don't have anything to do for the next week and then starting next month we're on a four month break. Where do you think she's at?"

"Definitely in bed with the pillow over her head and blankets piled on top." She took a long sip of her water, looking at her friend as Aundrea's eyes looked her friend over. "What, Aundrea?" She gasped from breath from drinking so long, Aundrea's eyes widening. "Don't you be getting all cautious on me, too. I just drank too much without breathing."

"I know, but -" She stopped, shaking her head. "I do have something on my mind."

"What's that?" Audrina pulled her zip-up cardigan off the rail of the treadmill, tossing it onto her shoulder and headed for the showers, Aundrea in tow. "What's going on in that mind, little lady?"

"You."

"Me? Why me?"

"And JC."

"And JC?" Audrina spun around, eyebrow raised in perplexion. "Why?"

"Well, you told me what he said to you and you really seemed bothered by it. Now, it's bothering me and I really want to find out why."

"Why it bothered you? I don't know. You never dated the guy."

"No, why it bothered you. When something bothers you, it bothers me and I try to fix it but I can't when I don't know what the reason is."

"Do we have to talk about this right now?" Audrina pushed open the locker room door, steam hitting both girls' faces as they stepped into the area by the showers, Audrina disappearing behind a shower door and tossing her friend the clothes she had been wearing. "We're in the middle of a gym, with God knows what on the floor ..."

"We do," she said softly. "This is partially why I woke up this early. "Drina, I know he hurt you back then. I know you hurt him. But it wasn't something the two of you could fix. He wasn't ready for marriage, you were. It could be different now. It could -"

"I don't want to be with him, Drea."

Aundrea looked at the shower door in confusion. "But you said it bothered you."

"Because I had never heard him call me friend before. I was always darlin' or baby. Even girlfriend. Being someone's friend after being in love with them for six years is a weird thing to be handed."

"So you don't love him?"

"Of course I do, I just ..." Audrina sighed, it masked slightly by the heavy falling water from the shower. "I just don't see myself being with him anymore. I don't know if I even love him that way. Some parts of me will always love him, but the others just want to pick up and find someone else to love me and accept me for all my problems."

"I don't think you'll find someone who will."

"Thanks for the support, Drea."

"I didn't mean it like that," she said, exhasperated, "I just meant, I don't think you'll ever find someone who accepted everything like JC did. Who will be able to handle everything that happened, and will happen in your life quite like him. Not only is he in the same business, but he was there from the start, from your problem start. He knows you, Drine. No one else ever will know that vulnerable part of you like he does."

"So basically, I'm gonna be an old maid."

"No, you just won't ever find someone as good as him that can take care of you the way he does."

"Can you please get my towel from out of my bag in the locker?"

"Which one?"

"The only one that's closed."

Aundrea turned on her heel, careful not slip. "I'm just saying that -"

"I can't take care of myself? That no one is good enough for me besides him? That I should just throw my life away and not get married because he didn't want to?"

Aundrea turned, her friend's head poking out from the top of the stall. "That's not gonna happen, Drea. I waited four years to see if he was ready, but two more years later, he wasn't. I'm not waiting sixty years to get a marriage proposal."

"Maybe he didn't think you were ready."

"He knew I was ready by the time I hit 23! We talked about it Drea. He just didn't want it. He doesn't want to be tied down like that. Relationships are one thing, but he doesn't want to be responsible for another person living under his roof."

"For the last year and a half of your relationship, you lived with him. He took care of you, he fed you, he bought you nice things! That's taking care of someone, also known as: responsibility!"

"Yeah, well, apparently, even that couldn't change his mind." Her hand appeared, taking the towel Aundrea gave her and opening the door shortly after. "I could have a dying wish to be married and he'd still say no. It's just something he won't budge on and I wasn't going to waste my time or his being in a relationship that wouldn't go the way neither of us wanted."

"Well, after seven years, it's common-law marriage," Aundrea joked, seeing the look her friend gave her, "well, it's true! My aunt and uncle are married by common-law! One more year and you would have technically been married!"

"I didn't want to trap him into anything he didn't want to be a part of," Audrina said softly. "That's not who I am. If I don't find someone, then so be it."

"If I were a lesbian, I'd marry you."

She laughed, rummaging through her bag for her clothes. "I love you too, Aundrea."

"If it were legal, I'd marry you."

"I know, I know; you and Bree can't get anough of me."

"Don't you know it," Aundrea grinned, plopping down on the bench on the other side of her friend's gym bag. "So how do you feel today?"

"Tired," she said, looking at her. "I didn't take the medication yesterday -"

"Drine -"

"I knew I was going to drink, so I didn't take it because I knew it'd have a really bad affect. But I took it this morning and I'm just physically exhausted. It's like my mind wants to go, but my body is lying on the floor begging to sleep."

"And mentally?"

"Exhausted. Excited. Eager."

"Lots of E's today, my dear."

"It's been the longest day, I want to know how my album is doing," she shrugged. "I'm nervous. I know compared to four years ago, it will be a flop compared to my other albums because of digital downloads and whatever, but I want to know if it sold good, if the majority of my fanbase stuck by me."

"Well," Aundrea bit her lip, looking at her friend, "I talked to Diddy last night and he said the earliest he could find out is five days from now. Maybe four. He said from his understanding, there were people lined up at Virgin Megastore in New York waiting to buy the album from the time we were at TRL and on. Probably earlier, but he hadn't been in New York until the evening."

"Excited to go on tour?"

"It's only a three month tour to get warmed up. World tour doesn't start until October."

"Well, it's still a tour," she smiled, looking at her friend as she pulled away the towel, pulling on her t-shirt. "You're going all across the nation."

"I know ..."

"Don't be so excited, Drine."

"I'm sorry, I'm just tired," she shrugged, sitting down and pulling on her tennis shoes. "You think you can take me home? I don't think I'll be able to drive."

"Sure." Aundrea studied her friend's paled and tired face, worried. "You're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"You're listening to your body?"

"Yes," she said, voice barely there as she yawned. "I just overworked myself. Thinking about things and that medicine."

She watched her friend place a hand to her chest as she took a deep breath, knowing the sudden symptom of palpitations. If something happened when she was alone ... "You want to me hang around after we get to your house?"

"No, I'll be okay," Audrina said, looking up at meeting her friend's gaze. "The fluttering was only momental. Sometimes exercise does that to me. Worked my heart a little too much."

She was desperate. "Please?"

"Drea ..."

"I just don't want to go and be home alone right now," she said quickly, watching as her friend's perfectly plucked eyebrows raised in disbelief. "That, and I'm playing a worried friend. Just let me come and stay for a little bit for my own benefit."

She sighed deeply. "All right. But I'm telling you, I'm fine."

"I'll believe it when you stop clutching at your chest," she replied. "Are you sure you're okay? Should I call your doctor anyway?"

"No. I'm good. I told you why it happened."

"Okay." She trailed behind her friend, watching as she literally dragged her feet out of the locker room and into the main lobby, the receptionist smiling. "Finally leaving, huh? You must be a ball of energy this early in the morning!"

"Sometimes," she said softly, waving as she pushed the door open weakly.

Aundrea bit her lip. Palpitations. Weakness. Being tired. Pulling out her Blackberry, she pulling out a new SMS message and promptly contacted JC.

I think we've got a major issue.

Never the early riser, she didn't expect a message back until a few hours later. When she reached her car, Audrina leaning up against it and yawning dramatically, her phone vibrated. She pulled it out quickly, scanning the message and jumping when she heard her friend's curious voice.

"Bree up?"

"Yeah, she says hi. Jumping in the shower and may come bring lunch later."

"Okay."

She watched her drop and lift her head in a lazy nod, getting in the car as she looked down.

What's going on? Aubree break a heel again? lol

She pulled away from the intersection, pushing the gas slightly to hurry to her home, pushing the code for her gate and driving quickly to the front door. "Drine, we're home. Why don't you go lie down and I'll grab a movie?"

Audrina opened her eyes, nodding. "Okay. Don't take too long 'cause I may fall asleep."

She smiled. "I won't. Don't forget the slow one is Aubrey!"

"Almost forgot," she said, giving her a lopsided grin. "Pick a good one."

"I will." She watched her friend go into the house, she cutting the engine and looking down at her phone.

This is me freaking, Drea. Call me.
NOW.

Aundrea took a deep breath, dialing his number and putting the phone to her ear, waiting for him to pick up. When he did, it was a frantic JC. "I told you not to freak, Jace."

"Who said I was freaking?! I'm not freaking! What's going on? What's she doing? Why isn't she listening to herself?"

"Because it might be nothing, I'm just being a worried friend here, Jace."

He was silent for a minute, she hearing him take slow intakes of breath. "Okay," he said, she picturing him calming himself down, "breathing. Her breathing is normal?"

She sighed. "Yeah. But she was at the gym all morning and I think she overworked her body, Jace. You know she can't push herself the way she used to and I saw her grab at her chest, I saw her inhale to try and catch her breath -"

"Palpitations. But that could be brought on by stress or caffeine."

"She did say she was there to work off stress and had a lot of things on her mind."

"Then, she's probably okay. She does know her body, Drea."

"Yeah, but she could barely even open the door without using her entire body."

"Exhaustion. She's had a long few days. And I'm sure working out didn't make it any better."

"True ..."

"It's good you called, Drea. You're watching her, just keep watching her. Watch her breathing, that's the only thing you can really do. If it becomes erratic, you need to call an ambulance. She knows when something is wrong, just trust her. She's got the drive to live, she's not gonna let herself get horribly sick."

"Okay," Aundrea said softly, shakily, "okay. She and I are going to watch a movie, but I think she'll be asleep even before I get up there to put it in the dvd player."

"Call me in an hour or two. Let me know how she is. Usually if those symptoms are legit, something will happen in a short time so -"

Short time. Aundrea got out of her car, slamming it and pushing the alarm on it as she ran into the house, grabbing the first movie she saw and made it up the stairs, seeing her friend sitting on the bed, covered up completely in her blankets. "I forgot my keys. Be right back!" She tossed the dvd to her, Audrina laughing. She'd ask why later.

"She's all right."

"Like I said, just watch her."

"Okay."

"Call me later."

"Bye." She hung up, taking a calming breath and heading back up the stairs. "Drina?"

"Earnest Scared Stupid?"

She blushed. Maybe a little more time taken to grab a reasonable DVD would have worked. "Hey, it's a classic," she fibbed, jumping up onto the bed and bouncing slightly, Audrina's bed much softer than the one she had. "Besides, from the looks of it, you're going to go to sleep anyway, right?" She glanced over, seeing her friend already lying on her side facing her, eyes slowly dropping. "You okay?"

"Mmmhmm," she said softly, voice a low hum. "Enjoy the movie, Drea."

Aundrea watched her friend bury her face into the pillows, eye just visible as she chuckled. Getting up and putting the movie in, she smirked to herself. She hadn't watched this since she was like, 8. Sitting back down on the bed, she curled up beside her friend, eyes studying her face in caution. Was she really okay? Or was she not wanting to see what was going on with her own body?

She closed her eyes, making a silent prayer that it was just the mothering instinct in her making her overreact rather than something actually being wrong. She didn't realize how tired she was, because as soon as her prayer was done, she couldn't bring herself to open her eyes, sleep fighting it's way beneath her lids.


Audrina dreamt that she was sitting on the tour bus. But it was different. She was sitting on the bus in 2003. JC was sitting on the couch, her head in his lap as his hands played with the hairs by her face, laughing as he looked down and talked to her. In once instant, she was pinned on the floor, he pinning her wrists above her head as they both laughed, she squirming beneath him as he called for her to call truce. She denied him of that, somehow regaining her strength and managing to wiggle slightly free, he laughing as he grabbed her again, pulling her into yet another pin, face merely inches away from hers.

"Say 'uncle'."

She stuck her tongue out slightly, shaking her head. "Never."

Grinning, he grabbed both of her wrists with one hand, using the free one to begin tickling her, she sreaming in protest. "Now are you gonna say it?"

"Jace, I'm gonna pee myself, stop!"

"Say it!"

"JC!" She screamed his name then, he laughing and putting his mouth to hers, silencing her as she slowly gave up her fight with the poking in her sides, also giving in to his kisses.

They were warm, passionate. The one hand still held her wrists, but the other had stopped tickling her, it now running gently up and down her side, moving in rhythm with his lips. But suddenly, they were suffocating, she was scrambling to breathe, frantic to inhale but he wouldn't let her go. She hit him, struggled, his mouth still on hers. The world was going black, her heart was racing. Suffocating. He was trying to kill her.

Aundrea woke up shortly after the movie had ended, her phone beeping and bed moving slightly. Glancing over, seeing her friend's eyes flutter in dream, she smirked, reaching for her phone that was lying beside her.

Is she okay?

"She just started breathing really funny and I don't know, it all happened so fast -" Aundrea watched as they pumped oxygen into Audrina's mouth and nose from a mask, she conscious though very groggy as they wheeled the gurney into the ambulance. The tears had subsided, she holding her phone by her face as Aubrey listened from the phone as the paramedic spoke of what they had done to her and where they were taking her.

"She's stable. Usually, we'd be taking her to the closest hospital, but with her heart problems, we're taking her to Cedars. They have a cardiac unit and people there trained for this kind of emergency. It seems like she only had a minor problem, but you can't chance it."

Aundrea nodded. "Thank you, thank you so much."

"Do you want to ride with her to the hospital?"

"Yes. I do, yes -" she stopped, hearing a car pull up the drive quickly.

He saw the lights down the road. With the threat of rain, the sky was dark, the red contrasting against the deep gray visibly. "Audrina," he said softly, feeling panic as he pressed the gas pedal down, slamming on the breaks and getting out of his car, not even turning the car off. "What the hell happened?! Where is she?!"

Aundrea went up to him quickly, the tears falling again as she replayed what happened. "They said she's going to be fine, at least to their knowledge without all the cardiac equipment; she's responsive, but really groggy and -"

He swiped a hand down his face. "You were right. I should have made you press her. I should have come earlier -"

"She wouldn't have went; we both know that."

"Ma'am, we're leaving."

He looked at Aundrea, she looking at him. "What?"

"You go," she said softly, he seeing her hands shake and how pale she was. "I need to call Aubrey back and I have to call Brian and let him know what's going on. I'll meet you at the hospital."

"Okay," he said, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder as he passed her, following quickly behind the paramedic and getting into the back of the ambulance, cringing at the loud, echoing sound of the doors slamming. "Drina," he said softly, sitting down on the seat beside her, watching her open her eyes slowly, turning her head towards his voice. She smiled weakly beneath the mask, lifting up her hand as he took it between his two.

She reached for the mask shakily, pulling it off of her face and down to her chin. "You didn't have to come," she said quietly. "I'm okay, really."

"You had me so scared, Audrina," he said sadly, her lip jutting out, "I pulled in to see an ambulance and a distraught Aundrea, not knowing what to think -"

"I'm okay, Jace, really ..."

He tightened his grip on her hand, sighing deeply. "That we know of. So far. What if it got worse, Drina? What if -"

"Then we deal with it," she said. "So I carry an oxygen tank on stage with me every night," she joked, "the show must go on."

"That's not funny."

She frowned. "I thought it was." She studied his face, eyes growing heavy. "Oh, come on, Jace; instead of dancing with chairs and canes, I'm tossing a tank around."

"You're sick, Audrina. Why is that so funny?"

She was quiet, pulling his hands towards her, kissing his skin gently, it warm against her very cool lips. "I'm only making light of what was a dark situation, Jace. I don't want a pity party."

"But you do need to take care of yourself!"

"Fine. What do you want me to do? Hire a private nurse to live at the house so she can watch me swallow a pill every day? Is that what you want? To stop exercising and make my heart weaker? Or do you want me to live in a bed for the rest of my life in fear of me getting sick somehow and it going to my lungs and travel to my heart?"

"You're unbelievable."

"And you are being way too overprotective." She closed her eyes, all eyes on her as she inhaled slowly, it shaky, painstakingly slow as she cringed. "Heart's still fluttering a little," she mumbled. "It had stopped before ..."

"Stress this time, probably," the paramedic said, looking at the monitor above her head, "your heartbeats are pretty much back to normal, oxygen intake slightly low, though nothing to worry about, and your blood pressure is fine. Why don't you keep your mask on though to keep that air going through your lungs though, all right? Let's not overwork that area at this time."

She nodded, fumbling with the mask as JC released one of his hands, leaning forward and helping her place it back on her face. She squeezed his hand weakly in appreciation, unable to keep her eyes open anymore as she took another breath, it sounding more like a sigh.

He leaned forward, letting his head drop. Not once in his life had he been so scared than when he was pulling into that driveway and seeing them put her in the ambulance. Not even when he found out exactly how sick she could be and what could happen if she got sicker. He always had that fright in the back of his head, losing her completely than what he already had lost with her. To him, pushing her away would make it easier. Pushing her away, feeding her lies, maybe they'd make her hate him and make him love her less. Feed her lies, make her believe everything he fed her. What reason had he ever given her before to not believe it? He wasn't the marrying type. He didn't want to be married. He wanted to just be a bachelor for the rest of his life.

For a while, it was somewhat true. From the time he was twenty, anyway. He was thrust into the spotlight and grew up. Saw Joey start a family, grew into adulthood quicker than he was ready for and when the group took an indefinite hiatus and eventually broke up, he wanted to grasp the life of a young adult that he didn't get to do. He partied, stayed up late, slept in until the evening and spent insane amounts of money on cars and clothes - things he didn't need.

But now, here he was, closing in on 32, nearly twelve years after his normalcy had been yanked away. He had chased after it for so long, from the time he and Audrina started dating to about six months before they ended that he was pushing away and of the fleeting thoughts that maybe, maybe he was ready for the big jump. He let his mind tell his heart otherwise, and here he was, yet another two years later and single as can be. Two years and she still haunted him. The longer she was around, the more desperate he was to just see her. He made any little excuse he could think of to see her, to be close enough to her to smell the faint, lingering scent of watermelon that always hung around her from her spray, her bath wash. If he closed his eyes then, he could concentrate and smell it on her from where he sat.

He was a sick, sick man.



"How is she?"

He jumped, seeing a frantic Brian charge through the waiting room, his wife following behind quickly. "We were on a layover in Dallas and then Aundrea called me -"

"The doctor said she's going to be fine," JC said, looking over at Aundrea who had joined him, standing at his side. "She overworked herself for the most part. They're upping the dosage of her medication and she should be able to go home the day after tomorrow. They want to keep her for observation and run some more tests to make sure that the disease hadn't worsened."

"Have you been in to see her? Is she all right? Not scared?"

"I just left the room," Aundrea stated, she shoving her hands into her pockets, "Aubrey's in there now. They didn't want many people in there to excite her much. They want her heart to take it easy."

"I'm going to go back and see if I can go in," Brian said quickly, releasing his wife's hand and looking at the two people standing opposite of him. "What room?"

"First door on the left. You won't miss it. She didn't want the lights on and the nurses caused a fuss about it. Probably still bitching in front of the door."

Brian chuckled in spite of his worry. "Okay."

He knocked gently on the door, both Aubrey and Audrina looking up with weak smiles on their faces. Aubry was glassy-eyed, though hadn't seemed to of been crying moments before he even appeared. "Can I come in?"

"I was going to leave anyway," Aubrey smiled, leaning down and hugging her friend, kissing her cheek, "Diddy wants Aundrea and I to go meet this choreographer downtown." She looked down at her friend, squeezing her hand and smiling, "I'll call you tonight, okay? Get some rest."

"I will. Bye, Bree."

"Bye babe. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Brian made his way into the room, sitting down on the side of her bed facing her. "How you feeling?"

"Okay," she said softly, "still tired, but okay."

"Drea told me you didn't take your medicine yesterday ..."

"Brian, please don't start ..."

"I'm not starting anything," he said softly, "I just think you should have taken them and not worry about the alcohol."

"I wanted to have fun, Brian. My album dropped. I wanted to celebrate."

"You could have had fun without the alcohol."

"Right, and you, Mr. Doublefister, are really the rolemodel."

He sighed deeply, keeping his calm tone, "I'm not trying to argue with you, Audrina. I just think that you need to be more careful."

"They upped my dose, Brian. I can't have alcohol, no wine, nothing. I hear you."

"Do you think I really want to be sitting here talking about you not being able to drink alcohol, Audrina?"

She looked down at her hands, fingers playing with the threads of the blankets. "No, probably not. How 'bout those Wildcats?"

He rolled his eyes, leaning into her and hugging her tightly. "I was so scared, Rina. Aundrea calls and says you're in the hospital and all I can think of is, 'how am I going to tell mom and dad she died? How am I going to get through this?' I was thinking the worst, and I know I shouldn't have, but I did ..."

"I thought about that, too. Sitting in the ambulance with JC -"

"He rode with you?"

She nodded. "He was pulling in when the paramedics were loading me in. Aundrea was going to, but she had to call you and Aubrey so she elected not to with all the machines."

"And how was that?"

She shrugged. "It was fine, Brian. Right now, all I want to focus on is getting out of this hospital. Like, right now."

He laughed, sliding off of the bed and sitting down on the chair, shaking his head the entire time. "Not gonna happen. JC said they plan on keeping you two days. They want to run tests -"

"What? No." She pushed herself up, cringing when she bent her wrist into the IV. "I don't want to stay here, Brian. I'm fine. I'm breathing fine, my levels are up - see? Look, I'm fine, I'm -"

"In the hospital because you stopped breathing right," Brian interrupted, his face suddenly serious again. "Stop for just one moment and realize that, Drina. You could have died if Aundrea wasn't there to call the medics."

She sighed. "I know. I just don't like thinking that today could be my last." When he opened his mouth to speak, she stopped him. "I know that it happens to everyone, but I want to live to see my album sales, to tour. I want to have a family. I want to be able to find a man who will look past me being sick and want to be with me regardless and because of it. I want to be able to see my nephew grow up."

"You will." Brian gave her a small smile, eyes studying his sister's sad face. "I'll make sure of it. If I have to give you my heart, then I will."

"Brian, what good would your heart do?"

He grinned, shaking his head at her. "True. But hey, I offered."

"And Leighanne would kill you."

"Well, then after she kills me, you can have my heart."

She rolled her eyes, eyes wandering towards the door and sitting up more when she saw JC standing in the doorway. "Hey."

"Hey," he greeted. "I'm going to walk Aubrey out. Aundrea want to say goodbye."

"Where is she?"

Aundrea poked her head around JC, playfully pushing him out of her way as she made her way into the room. "Don't scare me like that again, okay? I swear my entire stomach went to my feet and it hasn't risen back up yet."

"I'm sorry," Audrina frowned, reaching up to hug her friend. "Thank you for being there and being a pain in my ass and begging to come home with me this morning."

"You're welcome," she smiled, looking down at her feet. "Drina?"

She raised an eyebrow, seeing her suddenly quiet friend. "Yeah?"

"Let me come on tour with you."

She chucked. "Come again?"

"Let me come on tour with you. It's only going to be you and JC -"

"Hey, it's not like I'm bad company!"

Aundrea grinned. "And I'm sure you'd like company. And, it'd give me something to do on break from DK."

"If you want to come, sure."

"Good, 'cause I'd probably come regardless of what you said."

"Wonderful," Audrina smiled. "I'll call you when I get out of this hellhole."

"Don't bother, I'll be back tonight to check on you." Aundrea smiled, hugging her friend tightly and doing the same as Aubrey and kissing her cheek. "I'll bring your iPod for you so you don't go crazy not hearing anything."

She smiled. "Thanks, Drea."

"Anytime love. See you in the evening."

Just as she went to lean back into her pillow, Leighanne and JC both appeared in the doorway, Leighanne stepping in first and going to stand by her husband, who in turn got up for her to sit down. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged. Same question over and over. "All right. Just tired. You guys can go. I'll be fine, really. You know I will be. If anything changes, I'll call you. Or JC will."

"We really don't have to -"

"Go, Brian. Georgia is calling your name. And I'm sure your son is, too. There's nothing you can do anyway, except sit here and bother me."

"Then I pass the torch to you, friend," Brian smiled, stretching and getting up. "You call me if something changes. Even the tiniest thing."

"If she doesn't, then I will." JC shook hands with Brian and received a hug from Leighanne as they all said their goodbyes, a threatening look to Audrina if she didn't call. "Have a safe flight."

"We will," Leighanne smiled. "Rest up, Rina, all right?"

"I will," she said, leaning back into the bed and watching them head towards the door. "I love you guys. Sorry to worry you like that."

"You're my sister, I am always worrying." He gave her a smile, walking back to her and hugging her tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too, Brian." She sighed deeply, closing her eyes as they left. "Jace, you don't have to stay. You can go home."

"Not happening," he grinned. "I canceled my plans to stay here, and here is where I'm going to stay."

"Oh, joy."

"You're lucky I sensed sarcasm in that voice, Miss Littrell," he teased, she prying an eye open to glare at him as he laughed. "Get some rest. I'm just gonna sit here."

"And stare at me creepily?"

"It's what I do best."

"I should have rethought my sending Brian home."

"Go to sleep, Rina."

"Yes, sir."

Thirty nine hours. She had been in the hospital for thirty nine hours and it felt more like years. It was nearing midnight as she sat up in bed, the only light in the room coming from the corridor and the faint glow of JC's phone that was sitting on the stand next to her, it having just vibrated nearly off the table if it hadn't of been for her catching it. He was sleeping on the cot they had brought in for him at the end of her bed, his soft breathing heard with the occasional ramble in the midst of a dream. The last she had heard was something about a microphone cord being wrapped around Chris' neck and staying there.

She chuckled, reaching for her iPod and putting it in her ears. Eight more hours and she'd be able to go home. Eight more hours and she could cocoon herself into her own bed. Only to have to get up the next day to prepare for tour.

"Argh," she said aloud, hand to mouth quickly as she realized it hadn't been to herself. She didn't know what she was in the mood to listen to, but as she looked in the artists she had, she knew exactly who to listen to.

Leaning back into her pillow, she smiled. She had to give JC credit: he hadn't left the hospital since she had been there, the only time to go and get her Chinese since she no longer wanted to eat the food they were giving her. "Hospital trash," she mumbled to him, he laughing and taking his wallet with him, arriving back in her room with a brown bag filled with Chinese.

He was still so good to her and she didn't understand why.

Brought out the best and worst in me
You gave your all unselfishly
But the days go by and ...

She listened to the words, they almost like a movie playing in her mind. Everything seemed so real and she swore she could even hear everything being said. She could feel his hand holding hers, his mouth against hers, how his skin felt when she'd lean up against him after a shower, just so she could smell him and feel how soft his skin actually was.

Oh, I could never replace
All the tenderest moments
They will always live right here inside me

Biting her lip, she clenched her eyes shut, willing the thoughts away. But they fought. They came at her faster, more sensing. How she never loved hearing her name being said until he whispered it in her ear after telling her he loved her. How the first kiss felt, and the second, and the thousands after that. How, in the middle of making love, he kept eye contact with her, making the experience more amazing.

My love will forever hold a place for you
That's why I'm so confused, yeah

Girl, we used to be so beautiful
But the days go by and things get better

How he was the first and last person she ever gave her all to. Physically, emotionally, sexually. They had a real connection, one that had her spinning from the moment he told her he wanted to be with her the first night after the tour started. How they had all been sitting at TAO in California and he asked her to dance with him. How his hands had slid down her arms and underneath them to rest at her waist, tugging her closer.

I'm losing half my soul
To face the world alone
But the days go by and things get better

How, of all the guys she had ever dated, he was the only one Brian liked. Of course, it may have been a different story if he knew they were sleeping together, but it really isn't part of the every day conversation you'd share with a sibling. When they broke up, Brian was just as devastated as she was. She cried for weeks.

We're not the type to just give up
But I know that it's what's best for us
The days go by and things get better

And now look at her. She was crying over him again.

We'll pass some crossing roads
Surviving on our own
But the days go by and ...

By the end of the song, she was putting her face into her pillow to keep her tears quiet. Why was it suddenly crashing down on her? The medication? Her exhaustion? Was it something in the back of her mind just making her think this way? The sudden thought of death making her see things she didn't want to see before?

She went to take a breath, a sob escaping instead. She heard movement, felt her bed shift. Damnit.

"Hey," his voice came softly, raspy from sleep. "Audrina, you okay?"

She clenched her eyes shut, not wanting to look at the reason she was crying. She still heard his voice singing, she ripping the earbuds out of her ears and hitting the pause button on the player. "I'm fine."

"Really now."

She sniffled, licking her lips and forcing herself to look at him. "Yeah, I was just listening to a song and the man's voice hurt so bad it brought me to tears."

He looked at her, eyebrow raised. "Really now?" He reached over, grabbing her iPod against her protests and put the earbuds in, hitting play. "Hey! This is me!"

"See," she sniffed, trying to make a joke out of it; anything to keep the subject in her head away from his own mind, "bad, hurting voice."

He pulled the earbuds out, setting the iPod on her lap. "You used to like my voice."

"Once upon a time, I suppose."

"Jokes aside, do you care to tell me what you're crying about?"

She was silent, her eyes never leaving his as he studying her face, searching for answers. "No. But maybe some day."

"I guess I can take that as an answer," he stated, patting her hip. "You want some company?"

"On this bed so not built for two?"

"Yeah. Our skinny asses make one person, right?"

"No, your skinny ass makes for half a person. Mine, little more than that."

"Oh, move over." He pushed her gently to one side so that he was lying on his side, looking at her. "See, we fit?"

"Make one sexual advancement and I'm moving your ass to the floor with a hard shove."

He chuckled, closing his eyes and yawning, "you used to like my sexual advancements."

"More like sexual special ed."

"Ouch," he mumbled, hissing as if he were hurt, "burn."

"Big time. Third degree."

He chuckled, growing quiet as she reached between them, taking the MP3 player and putting it back onto the nightstand. She had just closed her eyes when he spoke again. "Was it really that bad?"

She opened her eyes, they wider than saucers. "Huh?"

"Was it really that bad?"

"What?"

"You know," he said softly, opening his eyes and meeting hers, "love." He licked his lips, and she could have sworn she say a hint of redness climb up his cheeks with the light she had. "And the sex?"

She turned on her side, holding her head up with her elbow so she could look down at him. "Was it bad being loved by you? No. God, no. I always felt safe, always felt needed, wanted. You never hesitated to tell me you loved me and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. That answer goes for both questions."

"I'm sorry I couldn't be the man you wanted to marry."

She felt the familiar pang in her heart, trying to force a smile onto the subject. "I'm sorry I couldn't not want to be married."

He chuckled, tugging on her elbow so that she lie on her arm as he leaned over, kissing her forehead. "It was hard to not love you, Audrina. I think, in some way, I still do. But, I know you and I could never be together. I love you so much more as the friend you have been and what you have brought me from that to even think of what happened between us before."

And now she was the one being burnt.

And he was lying. Again.

She inhaled, holding her breath for a moment before talking. "What about with me? Was it bad with me?"

He gave her a sweet smile, shaking his head. "No. It's all part of the 'things I am so grateful to have had' file in my mind. Big memories involve you, Audrina. Big ones. One that I never want to forget. Funny thing is, after the break-up, we're still making memories."

She smiled, nodding. "Yeah, we are."

"I just wish I could have been the man who wanted to marry you," he said softly. "If I believed in marriage, if I wanted it, it definitely would have been with you."

"And if I didn't want marriage and just wanted to live with someone, it would have been you."

"That kind of sounded like a rip on me again," he grinned, she chuckling and closing her eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?" He swiped at the lone tear that fell down her face as she nodded, eyes fluttering open at his touch. "You want me to go back to my bed?"

When she shook her head, he smiled. Maybe there was hope for them yet.

"My brother is my best friend. My other half. I don't know who I'd be if he weren't in my life. I could always go for him for everything. When I first started and got to tour with he and his group, it was the most amazing time in my life. I got to do something I had yet to do with him: share a professional stage with him. The funny thing about the entire idea was that if no one knew who we were, they could just tell we were siblings by how well our voices match. Of course, my voice is obviously soprano and a girl, but when we sang together, our voices blended and you could barely tell where he started and I ended. A video started, it more recent of the two of them sitting in his living room, guitar in his lap, she keeping the beat as she hit her hands against her thighs, singing acoustically as he watched her, a smile on his face the entire time.

It was right before he coaxed her into going back into the music industry, at a birthday party for their mom as they sang together for her at her request. They sang a few of his group's songs, a few of her own, a few of their mother's favorites. It gave chills to many people's skin to hear the harmony between the two.

Ooh, lah dut dah, la dut dah
Ooh, lah dut dah, la dut dah
Ooh, lah dut dah, la dut dah
Ooh, lah dut dah, la dut dah
Ooh, lah dut dah, la dut dah
Ooh, lah dut dah, la dut dah
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah

She screen focused on her then, Brian's voice fading as she continued on with the song.

To be happy
You are all I need to make me happy
'Cause everytime you're near
All the tears inside the raindrops
All the sadness in my lifetime goes away

Brian took over into the second half of the verse, she continuing with the adlibs from the beginning below his voice, the siblings catching each other's face and grinning. She started cracking up as he continued, stopping stumming. "Nice face, Drine. I'm trying to be such a serious artist right now!"

"About as serious as your guitar skills, buddy -"

The video went back to Audrina, who had a bittersweet smile, the known subject suddenly in the air. "All the publicity I had, negative, positive, the inbetween, nothing seemed to matter because I had the support of one of the most important people in my life. JC and I had been together for four years when I got sick and lasted two more years after that. Sometimes people come into your life for a reason, and I know that his reason for coming into my life was to help me get through the hardest time in my life and be the one who held my hand and never let go, even when I felt like giving up. But suddenly, things seemed to take a turn and we both seemed to be suffocating each other. We split mutually and I was so happy when he said he wanted a hand at working with me on this album. He is one of the most, caring, talented men in the entire world and to have his name credited in something I did, it's amazing."

Suddenly, as she spoke, the familiar introduction of the song the two of them wrote together began to play over her voice, going to the two of them in his studio, he sitting at the sound board while she stood behind the glass wall, listening to him instruct her. She was nodding, listening intently, their eyes locked. And suddenly, the music faded, the only thing heard were the heartfelt, emotional voices behind the song, JC's voice taking the lower register as Audrina took the higher.

And I don't want you to be over this now
I can't stand the pain anymore
You were the best of the love
What was I thinking of?
I don't know

"Right. Sing it like that. Do the sound slide for the end of the 'thinking of' line. Put more of that power into it. Remember, it's a driven song -"

She nodded. "You're still following suite?"

"Yeah, we'll try and match notes with that. See how it sounds?"

"Okay. Take it back to the second verse, all right?"

"Got it." He gave her a sweet smile, moving controls. "Set it four beats before the beginning of the verse."

She nodded, putting the headphones on her ears as she closed her eyes, waiting for her cue to the music. Her hand played with her chin, oblivious to the moment MTV had caught as they took a shot of the back of her head, going over her shoulder and towards the windowed wall, the piercing blue eyes looking back at her giving every emotion he had ever given her before, but there was more to that look than anyone but he understood.

You and I
Can't understand reasons why
And you, yes, you
When did your heart find a new?
Guess I could have changed
Or should I have stayed the same

"Wait."

She cut, looking at him as he got up, walking into the room and standing in front of her. "Change the chorus after this. It's the climax of the song. Belt it. Sing it like you haven't sung it before."

"You have to sing it with me then."

He nodded, snapping his fingers and giving her a silent count as everything seemed to stop around them as they connected with their eyes, their voices, their emotion. It was another pivotal moment that MTV had caught on camera, one that would be talked about for a long time.

And I don't want you to be over this now
I can't stand the pain anymore
You were the best of love
What was I thinking of?

"He was my knight in shining armor for the longest time. There has never been a time that he wasn't there when I needed him, even when I didn't say it, he knew. He brings me comfort and stability, even now."

She licked her bottom lip slowly, turning her head and meeting his gaze, stomach knotting up as he looked at her the way the camera had caught him do so before. She closed her eyes, inhaling slowly to calm whatever thoughts she knew would run in her mind shortly, opening her eyes when Aundrea broke the silence.

"That song is beautiful."

She nodded, silent as Aundrea caught her gaze this time, a quizzical expression her face. "You okay?"

Suddenly, she was becoming emotional. "I'm okay. I just have to go to the bathroom." She pulled herself out from the covers, Aundrea lifting her head and looking at her in wonder. She couldn't get out of there quick enough as she scrambled past the master bathroom and out the door down the hall and down the stairs towards the bathroom near the living room, she closing and locking the door as she collapsed against the hard oak, a sob filled with exhaustion, irritation and sadness leaving her chest and mouth quickly, the tears soon following.

She buried her face into her hands, propping her elbows on her hands and gripping her toes to the cool tile so that her legs wouldn't slip. Clenching her hair and covering her face with her forearms, she cried with no reserve, unaware of the body standing merely feet away from the door, frozen in his spot.

"And five, six, and seven, eight -"

She did a small poplock, mouthing the words to the song choreographed for this particular dance, looking over at Shane as he smiled behind her through the mirror. "I don't like that look you're giving me, Shaners."

He grinned, still clapping out the beat as she danced, sweat dripping down her forehead and being caught with the headband she had lowered from her head to mid-forehead, "it's just good to see you back into the swing of things is all. It's like you haven't left, but we're all so happy to have you back."

She smiled, giving him a little pouted smile as she did a turn and dropped to a slide on one leg, kicking it up, and rolling her upper body in position. "It's good to be back."

"Have you seen the stage yet? I know Johnny was talking to you about it, but have you seen the set-up? It's amazing."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he smiled, grinning widely as she finished the dance, literally collapsing on her back end up against the wall and looking at him as she sipped her water. "The catwalk, the lights ... it's all going to be so amazing to see live."

"I can't wait," she grinned. "It's been such a long time coming."

"How are you feeling?"

"Amazing," she smiled, accepting his hand to help her up as she grinned, tossing the water bottle to the floor by her things. "The medication is working, my chest hasn't fluttered ... my heartrate is perfectly normal."

"Good. Don't want to have to kick your ass for not taking care of yourself."

She laughed. "Oh, not you, too. JC and Aundrea are both threatening bodily harm." She turning when she heard voices coming from down the hall, the door to the studio opening as Johnny Wright and Brian stood in the doorway, broad smiles on their faces. "Hey! What are you doing here?!" She walked quickly over to her brother, hugging him tightly as he hugged her so tightly that he had lifted her off the ground, her toes scraping the floor. "What's that for?"

"What? I can't hug the number one artist on Billboard's charts?"

She released her brother, eyes wide. "What?!"

"Number one selling album, Drina," Johnny smiled from his spot beside Brian, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Congratulations."

"Oh my God!" She lunged at Johnny, he hugging her tightly as she started to cry, laughing in spite of her tears. "That's so amazing!" She jumped at her brother again, jumping up and down in his hug as he laughed, barely able to hold her with how much she was moving. "I'm number one! I have to call Aundrea!" She ran off as the three men looked on, shaking their heads in disbelief.

"She's a firecracker," Shane laughed. "Johnny, you have to see how good she's been doing -"

"Oh, I believe it. She's trying to prove she's okay," he said, smiling, "she's a brave one, just like this one right here. Pushed through everything just to make everything look good."

"We're Littrell's, it's what we do," Brian smiled, crossing his arms and watching as his baby sister squealed and jumped up and down, sharing her excitement with one of her best friends. "She's gonna fight the entire time, too. Fight everything."

"Even the truth?"

Brian looked over at Shane, confused. "What do you mean?"

Shane said nothing except turn his head towards the other side of the studio where the exit door was, JC having just walked in with a coffee in one hand and his duffel bag hanging from the opposite shoulder, being attacked with a screaming Audrina. The bag had been dropped, drink secure in one hand as he hugged her, smile wide as he congratulated the screaming woman.

"That." Shane shook his head, running a hand over his face as he laughed. "For her being as observant as she is, she really misses everything, huh?"

"Preaching to the already knowing choir, man," Brian laughed, Johnny nudging him as they both looked back over, the two still in a hug. "Good God," he chuckled. "I'd tell them to just kiss and get it over with but she may kill me and my wife just got this shirt clean from when Baylee and I played in the mud." He grinned, waving them off. "I'm going back to the studio with the guys. Johnny, I'll catch you in a bit."

"Where'd Brian go?"

"Back into the studio," Johnny replied, throwing his thumb back to gesture in the direction he had gone, "the guys were laying down their vocals and he just wanted to come in and be the one to break the news to you. Felt it wouldn't be worth hearing it from anyone else."

"Good," she grinned. "That's how I would have wanted it." She looked back over at JC as he spoke to Shane, smiling to herself. "So how were the sales?"

"Almost Gold certified already," he said, she squealing. "Audrina, I don't know how you do it, but whatever it is, don't stop. You'll be platinum by next week if sales continue."

"I hope so."

"That isn't even for overseas yet," he chuckled. "It releases in three days over there. It's already a frenzy there. You're in very high demand in Germany and Japan."

"The world tour, who is going to be opening?"

"Split tour," he said, gesutring back to JC. "He's coming and we may have Danity Kane, too."

"They agreed?"

"Dawn isn't very happy about it," Johnny sighed. "Dawn isn't very happy about much these days with the group. She's mad that you and Aubrey wrote their first single and no one else got their name on it."

"Johnny, I didn't put a gun to their head," she said softly, shaking her head in disbelief, "I'm not going to be the reason for a beef between the girls and Diddy."

"It's a beef between Dawn and the girls, not you. She has nothing against you. She loves the song, she just doesn't think it should be their first single."

"It's on my album, too ..."

"With Aubrey and Aundrea on it. No one else."

"Because Aubrey and I wrote it! Aundrea had the little hook ..."

"Don't worry about it, Drine," he laughed, "it'll blow over. Dawn doesn't stay angry long. Her song will be heard."

"Her song? She had a song for the first single?"

"Ah, yeah," he bit his lip, "about that. Your song bumped hers."

"What?! Why?!"

"What's going on?" JC stepped up next to her, eyeing the two with interest. "Why does she look like her eyes are gonna bug out of her head and why do you look like you just told her that her best friend died?"

"My song bumped Dawn's for Danity Kane's first single," she said, looking at JC as he grinned happily. "It's not good! Dawn is pissed!"

"They just felt having a bigger name printed on that song would give it better airplay for the girls," he said softly, "the fact that it's on your album and their's, but is getting released on their's, is getting them more attention."

"Argh, I don't want to talk about this anymore," she mumbled, holding her hands up in defeat, "I'm getting a headache."

"Audrina, it's nothing you could have done," JC stated, sighing as she walked away. "Drine!"

"I'm going to my car," she mumbled, waving him off. "I'll be back."

"Audrina," Johnny called, she ignoring him as he turned to look at JC, he shrugging. "It was nothing she could have done to stop it. Both versions of this song were damn good. We've got all the singles lined up for Audrina's album, 'Damaged' was nowhere from the lists of songs that were set out for her. They've been struggling to find a good, strong first single for DK and then they hear Aundrea belting out the verse and they wanted it. Diddy wanted his fingers on it."

"Don't you think Diddy should have came to the other writer of the song first?"

"Probably."

"I'm gonna go talk to her."

"It's nothing she should be mad about."

JC looked at Johnny. "She hates when people put spite in with her name. That song was part of hers. That song knocked another single-worthy song out of the running because of her name. She doesn't want to be used for her name, Johnny."

"She's being used for her talent, JC. You know, just like Justin was for your song?"

He took a deep breath, shaking his head. "Justin is one of my closest friends, Johnny; I will never, ever put him down. But don't ever put him in the same category as me. We are nothing alike. Nothing." He turned on his heel, still fuming. "We may have come from the same group, but we are two very different people with two very different vocal styles. I would never sell him out." He pushed on the door, it slamming away from him and against the wall, falling shut quickly as he breezed out, spotting her sitting in her car. "Drine -"

"If I knew that this song would get those girls in hot water with each other, I wouldn't have given them it to use," she said, shaking her head while biting on her finger absentmindely, "I would have told Aundrea to use it for herself. Told Aubrey to use it for herself."

"Drina, if it bothered the two of them that Dawn was mad about it, don't you think you would have heard about it?"

"I don't know."

"They're friends too, you know," he said softly, kneeling down between the door and the car, "Aundrea and Aubrey wouldn't just do something to spite Dawn. But that's how the music industry is, Drina, you know that. They see the big fish, they take the bait. It's all about money, money, money."

"It never used to be like that."

"Not until they got the multi-million-dollar investors involved," he sighed. "Why do you think JIVE dropped me? Because I refused to succomb to what they wanted to make me. They wanted to make me another Justin Timberlake. I'm not Justin. I can't sell what he sells. The only thing I have to sell is my voice. That's the only thing I've ever wanted to put out there for them. It will always be like that."

"You sold your body quite a few times," she chuckled as he arched an eyebrow. "Oh, you know what I'm talking about." She cleared her throat, dropping her voice a few registers, "Cause when I'm all alone, I imagine lying face to face. Inhaling every breath you take ..."

"One song."

"Keep in mind, I'm a love machine -"

"I get it," he laughed. "My voice was still selling it, not my body."

"Right, so this," she got up, tossing her purse onto her passenger side and shutting the door, shaking her body to loosen it up as she cleared her throat, mimicking the first song she had sang, copying how he used to dance to the second verse, her finger walking down her body and gyrating her hips. "Walking with my fingers and I'm creeping down real slow, reaching for the places that no one could ever go ..."

"Ah, yeah," he reached up, grabbing her forearm to stop her from moving, "apparently, a woman can make that song so much hotter."

She laughed, shrugging innocently, "well, if you wouldn't write about masterbation, I'm sure you'd have a woman to act that song out with." She grabbed her keys, turning to walk away when his voice stopped her.

"I did have that woman, remember?"

She felt like she was going to implode. Stomach twisted, heart beating rapidly in her throat, the flutters nearly driving her mad in the pit of her belly. "Must of sucked if she's not that woman anymore," she said, trying to get him off the subject quickly. Thinking about it even made her question why she wanted to marry so badly. "She must of not known what she was doing."

"Apparently she did, because that entire song was about her."

She cleared her throat, turning to look at him as the devilish smile continued to play on his lips. "I don't see her around anymore ..."

"I see her right now," he said softly, her stomach continuing to flutter as the sexy little smile turned into more of an ego-driven smirk. Come to think of it, there were a few songs that she drove me to write."

"She must be some hell of a girl," she chuckled. He really was a losing battle.  "But with you having no way of getting her back ..." 

"Oh, I could think of 100 ways."

She blushed, watching the fabric of his shirt stretch tightly across this chest, arms flexing and pressing against the sides. "I need a drink."

"How about some Gatorade? Heard it's good after a long day of sweating."

"I hate you."

He chuckled. "And those stilettos? Too bad you weren't really 5'9" because that was the only number that rhymed."

"Yeah, with Levi's," she cracked, shaking her head and beginning to walk away, he laughing at her disappearing form. "Levi's. Nine. He's such a goober."

"Hey! You had no problem with acting that song out repeatedly after it was done!"

She froze, hearing his footsteps come up from behind her. "Listen to 'ya," he said softly, mouth by her ear as she shuddered, he had suddenly taken on a raspy tone that was boiling deep in her belly, she clenching her hand around her keys to control her emotions, "I'm tired of talkin' 'bout it." His hand found her free one, it clenched at her waist, his fingers grazing the bare skin just enough to draw goosebumps on the explosed flesh. She felt him move against her, felt the heat of his mouth closer, her eyes dropping closed. "I wanna slide up right upon 'ya, let's get our hands dirty ..."

"Audrina, you out here?"

She pushed away from him quickly, the burning in her belly still evident as she tried to shake the warmth against her ear, her skin, her hands away. "AJ?"

The shorter, tattooed man appeared with a wide grin on his face, sunglasses hiding his eyes from the warm April sun. "Congratulations, number one!" He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, her own arms snaking around the center of his back and clasping as he did a slight dance with her. "Number one again. How does it feel after four years?"

"Amazing," she said softly, thoughts fluttering away of what had just happened. "Simply amazing."

"There's no one else that deserves it as much as you do," he grinned, placing a kiss to her temple. "Come on, we're all celebrating in the studio."

"But how -"

"Nick went and got cake," he laughed. "Well, actually, he went and raided Johnny's fridge. Apparently, the cake was going to be yours anyway. He knew yesterday you were going to be in the top spot, but didn't know the numbers yet."

She breathed out a sigh, still in disbelief. "Cake. Cake sounds good."

"Cake with the most amazing people in the world, might I add," he grinned, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "Jace, you coming man?"

"Yeah, I'll be in there in a sec," he replied, voice still low as he walked past them, "I'm going to go back to the compound and grab the rest of my things." He turned, catching Audrina's gaze, the butterflies releasing again. "Don't celebrate too much without me."

AJ chuckled as he steered Audrina in the opposite direction of JC, shaking his head, "we won't man. Just hurry up because we might not be able to hold out for too long!"

"Let the celebration begin!" AJ slammed the door open, cheers echoing throughout the room as she grinned, being pummeled by Nick as he enveloped her into one of his large bear hugs, she laughing hysterically as he lifted her up, spinning. "Dude, she's gonna throw up on you!"

"I'm all right," she laughed, Nick putting her down anyway as Howie came over, the gentle one of the four, hugging her tightly.

"Congratulations, Mami," he whispered, she hugging him tightly. "You did good. Real good."

"Thanks, Howie," she replied back, smiling as she placed a kiss to his cheek. "Thank you."

He winked, tugging on her hair that she had gone all Pippy Longstocking on, everyone gathering around Johnny as he popped the cork off of Crystal, she freezing when she heard a voice behind her once more and sliding past her towards the group, the words echoing in her head.

A million faces in the crowd; you will always shine 'em out. She never looked so beautiful from down here ...

The dish fell into the water without so much of the satisfying crack that Audrina had wanted. Soap suds floated through the air from the impact, one gently resting on her cheek, she swiping it with her sudsy hands and just adding more bubbles to her face. She smirked. Immediately, it fell from her face as she remembered just how cranky she had been, how much of a bad mood she wanted to be in.

"I don't understand why you aren't just washing them in the dishwasher," Brian said softly as he placed two glasses on the sink next to her, she feeling his eyes on her face as he tried to read it. "Come sit with us."

She was silent, hand going back into the warm water and bringing out yet another dish, staring at it blankly as she ran the wash cloth in circular motions over the white porecelain. It kept her busy, kept her hands busy. Though her mind didn't stay quite as set on the dishes as it did elsewhere, it kept her there and not standing over a cliff, looking death in the eye. Or worse, pounding on his door and demanding answers. Demanding answers for so many things. The biggest one hit her in the temple, a dull headache beginning with all the rapid thoughts.

Why.

Why just a friend? Why, suddenly, his ear sex partner? Why so hot and cold? Why didn't he want to marry her? Why was he making so many excuses? Why didn't he love her anymore?

She felt the tears well up, she reaching up with the sud covered hand and purposely swiping at her eye, hoping to make them irritate by the soap and not startle Brian with the sudden emotion. She knew if she spoke, she'd break and he'd demand to talk, demand to find out what was going on in her head. But she didn't want to talk. She didn't want to spill out her heart again.

... She didn't want to tour with him.

She frowned, her scrubbing becoming more harsh as she continued to clean the same dish, pretty sure she'd see her reflection soon.

Why couldn't she get over this? She had gotten over him! At least, up until that exact moment, she did. Why did it have to be him that was her first love, her first everything? Why did he have to be a musician? Write all those songs that she could hear any time she wanted and just remember how much she meant to him once. Was this his purpose? Bring the songs back, make her feel horrible? Make her resent breaking it off with him?

They would have been together eight years today.

"Rina -"

His voice startled her, the breaking point surfacing as she threw the dish in her hand across the room. "I don't want to come fucking sit with you guys! Just leave me the hell alone!"

He took a step back, startled at her sudden outburst, Aubrey and Aundrea both appearing in the archway as quick as lightning, studying the damage of the plate that was now in a hundred little pieces beneath brother and sister's feet. "Rina -"

"I don't want to talk about it," she mumbled, turning back to the sink and ignoring the wreckage behind her. "I don't want to sit down, I don't want to think, I just want to wash my dishes and be by myself."

"I'll clean up the plate, Brian," Aundrea said softly, her presence felt behind her. "Go entertain everyone, enjoy the movie."

She heard his sigh of defeat, hands pausing in the water as she listened to his retreating footsteps, dropping her head down in disappointment in herself.

"I'll go get the dust pan," Aundrea said quickly, Aubrey's sandaled feet crunching over the glass as she stepped next to her friend, leaning into her in a gentle nudge.

"I'll have you know that I dry plates amazingly. My mom never let anyone do it but me. Maybe it was because if I didn't do something I was dancing around like a freak and annoying people singing random show tunes, but if I weren't a singer, I could definitely be a professional dish dryer."

She smirked. "Good, useless information I will probably never need to remember."

"You want my professional help in this unwanted task?"

She was silent, focused on washing another dish and not throwing it to the floor in anger and defeat. She had come to the realization that JC Chasez had ruined her for life and hated that he made a pun out of that complete statement.

'Fuck you, JC', she thought to herself, sighing deeply and watching Aubrey reach beside her for the towel, her fingers then reaching for the yet again 'almost' see-through (if it could get that way) plate from her hands. This was what she needed. A silent support system from her two best friends, not the 'I'm going to talk to you and see what's wrong' kind of support Brian tended to give. That was Brian though; sometimes, she didn't think he knew how to be quiet.

Aundrea was heard behind her, sweeping up the shattered dish and humming to herself, a quirk that she had noticed she did when she was quiet and focusing on a task at hand. Turning her head, she caught her friend's attention, the broad smile from Aundrea receiving a smaller, less enthusiastic smile.

She swore the girl would be excited cleaning toilets.

She reached back into the sink, pulling the drain plug and let the water disappear quickly down it. The last dish was handed to Aubrey as she grabbed the two cups, sighing in defeat and putting them in the dishwasher. She liked doing things for herself, liked having the sense of independence. Right now, all she had a sense of was need, the need to be held and told everything was going to be all right. By the one person she didn't want to see.

"Today would have been our eight-year anniversary," she said softly, finally giving in to the silent questions of both friends, she hearing the broom be set against the wall as Aundrea stepped to her other side, reaching up and tucking hair that had fallen out of her ponytail behind her ear to get a better look at her friend. She dropped her head again, lip jut out in a pout as she lifted her hands and dropped them dejectedly by her sides. "All I wanted to do was be happy ..."

"Aww, sweetheart," Aubrey's voice came soothing like a mother's as she hugged her, Aundrea hugging her from behind as she put her face in her hands and let the tears fall. "It's gonna be all right, you know. I know that you hear it like a broken record, but it will. Like you said, everything happens for a reason, right? People come and go in your life and change it for a reason. Maybe he's the reason you are the person you are today. Maybe he shaped you, made you realize what love is so when the time finally comes that the man you're supposed to marry goes, 'how did I get so lucky to get her? Of all the men in her life, I can't believe she chose me."

"You make it sound like it should be some corny romantic comedy," she mumbled against her hands, head resting on her friend's shoulder as Aubrey and Aundrea laughed. "Like that one our ... our damn song is on."

"But what if he is it, Rina? What if he's the reason you aren't happy?"

She turned her head, looking quizzically at Aundrea, "I know he is -"

"No, I mean ... what if he," she stopped, trying to think of how to get it out, "what if he's your Chandler?"

"My what?"

Aundrea laughed slightly. "Your Chandler. The one guy who had always been there for you and always made you feel good about yourself because he expected so much out of you, knew that you were capable of doing amazing things. The one who sat back and let the world take you on this crazy ride and was there when you fell. He'd just pick you up and let you go on, just sat back and enjoyed the ride. The one that had been there all along and the one you've wanted for so long that you realize that's it: that he was the one. That he's the one you're supposed to be with for the rest of your life? What if you're his Monica? The only woman who could ever make him feel the way he does when he's around you? What if you're the one to finally change his mind? The one who makes him realize that he is madly in love with you more than he was before and he does want marriage. But only if it's with you. The one change in his life that he welcomes with open arms, an open heart and a broad smile. That smile you love so much ..."

"You need to write books on love. And Bree, you need to write a self-motivational one," she chuckled, wiping at her eyes lazily as she pulled away from her friends, smiling weakly. "Thank you."

"That's what we're here for, love," Aubrey smiled. "Come on, let's go watch the movie, 'kay?"

She shook her head. "I think I'm just going to go lie down for a while. All my irritation gave me a headache."

"You want one of us to bring you up some hot tea? Soup? Tylenol?" Aundrea put a hand to Rina's forehead, frowning. "You are a bit warm. And you leave in two days for tour."

"Tea would be nice," she said softly, she stepping away from her friends and headed towards her stairs, no one even noticing her departure from the lower level.

She closed the door gently, dimming the lights to ease the pain in her head as she crawled into bed, picking up her Blackberry and staring down at the screen, contemplating her next move. Without thinking, she brought up a new message, putting in the familiar digits and sending a message she figured she'd regret in the morning.

He wouldn't respond. It'd be too weird. She was fine with that. But when it sang the tone she had chosen for her messages, she nearly jumped out of her skin at the almost instant response.

You too ... is it bad that you've
been on my mind all day?
Maybe it is because of the day
but it just ... I couldn't help it.

She couldn't help but smile slightly. He had been thinking of her. He remembered their anniversary. Mr. I-Can't Even Remember What Day It Is, Let Alone Our Anniversary. But what did she say to that? She didn't want to feel desperate. She didn't want to sound as if she wanted him back, because, even she didn't know that. Maybe she did, maybe she missed his presence in her life as it had been before. Or maybe, maybe it was because of the anniversary, the album, the emotions surrounding it all. She wouldn't know. She couldn't.

No, it's not. I've been thinking
about you, too.

She sent it, not wanting to go back on what she said before he could really know the truth. Though she wasn't going to say that it was partially the reason why she had been in a bad mood, either. That, and seeing him the day before practicing once more with the live band, singing his heart out. It had made her made that she would never be that way. She could never have the power he had, never have the impact on a song like his voice, his power had. She saw the vein in the side of his neck pop, eyes clenched shut and mouth open, singing the one song that had been written back in 2000 while he was still with the group, one he had kept to himself and one that didn't deal anything with her.

It's amazing how we fear we may be
It's from ourselves we so often run
Abandon fear and consequence of heartbreak
Expose the truth and give yourself to love

We've all been set up to be disappointed
We have to crawl before we learn to fly
It's the blur that moves right into focus
Removes the doubt, aligns your heart and mine

She had that the song wasn't hers, but at that moment, when his eyes opened and he met her gaze from clear across the stage where she sat, holding her water bottle between her hands, it was. Every line, every meaning, every little thing between the lines was hers.

Good. Well, not good you've been
thinking of me ... well, maybe in a
way, but you know what I mean.
I'm so glad we still talk, Rina. I
don't think I'd be able to get
through a day without speaking
with you. I just hope that one day
I can find someone who can accept
that you will always have the biggest
part of my heart and they'll just have
to deal in knowing that you were the
best thing to ever happen to me and
nothing will ever happen between you
and I again.

Her heart sank. If that didn't answer what she felt for him, she would have pretty much been standing in front of a freight train waiting for it to hit her. This was her freight train. Her freight train, a crashing airplane on top, along with a meteor to top it off. She missed him. Maybe she wanted to be with him; maybe she'd hold off marriage to be with him, to try and make it work.

And then he said those words.

Yeah.

He didn't respond after that, she figuring he was already passed out in bed since it was nearing three. She opened the inbox folder, opening up the message and reading over and over again. '... Nothing will ever happen between you and I again.' He took the stake, set it in the center of her already hurt heart and took a mallet and drove it straight through, twisting and turning to make the damage even worse without even realizing he had done so.

It wasn't just Brian that ran risks of holes in his heart anymore. She had one now.

The tears came quickly, she taking her pillow and masking her sobs as she rocked back and forth, feeling like a child with the emotion pouring out of her. Arms were suddenly felt around her, pulling her pillow barrier away from her face. Blue eyes met her green, Brian's concerned face doing nothing more than to reel out more of the tears as he pulled her close, hugging her tightly. He did as she was doing prior, rocking gently back and forth as he soothed her, not saying a word, just stayed with her.

And somewhere, twenty minutes away from the area she was in, he was sitting in his living room, staring blankly at the phone in his hand, unaware of the events going on elsewhere. What had he just done? The one person he had never lied to, suddenly became the easiest target for his basket full of fibs. His finger played with the send button, the drafted text waiting to either be sent or saved.

I don't think I'll ever stop loving you.

He cried out in frustration, exiting out of the text and tossing the phone to the table, putting his head in his hands. Since when was love so difficult? Since when did it matter what she said, what she believed, hell, even what she wore? For a year after they broke up, it didn't. For six more months, it still didn't, but he thought of her on occasion, just wondering how she was. And then, they worked together and suddenly his heart ached.

He pined for her again. Pined for her like the silly twenty-five-year-old man he had been when he first started feeling for her, finally growing the balls to ask her out. He felt the familiar flutter in his stomach when he saw her as he drove to her old apartment in Hollywood Hills, she meeting him at the door so he wouldn't have to ring up. He remembered every scent she ever carried, the flavor of lipgloss permanently on his lips to the point where he swore he tasted it and her when he licked his own.

Out of the blue, she was suddenly the reason a smile would form on his face. She was the inspiration for song after song. Of course, every song got scrapped because it sounded like some lovesick dog, it being the main reason he hired writers to come in and collaborate with him, just so less than half of the song was inspired by her.

It really didn't occur to him that maybe he was still in love with her until the day he came to her house only to see the ambulance there. He was so freaked out that she had gotten seriously ill, or her disease had been taking the last bit out of her that thoughts ran through his head at a fast-paced setting; he regretted the things he said, he didn't believe in what he had said. He would have changed it all to know she was there beside him when she got sick, rather than her best friend.

He then began to piece together all the puzzle parts. he always had an excuse to want to see her, always mentioned her. He woke up from dreaming about her and went to be with her on his mind.

It was inevitable: he was still in love with her.

But as of that night, any chance of they getting back together was done. He had fucked up. Again.

He heard the vibrations of the music blaring through the speakers as he walked down the corridor towards the entrance of the rehearsal arena, a small smile forming on his face in excitement. The smile may have been bigger, but excitement was hard to come by the last few days for him.

Stepping into the main area of the arena, he paused as he watched her stand in the middle of the stage, two dancers on either side of her. She was running through the bridge of a song, laughing hysterically at something Johnny had said from his spot just below the stage. She had her favorite cotton shorts on, ones that she had even back when they were dating, though they seemed a little looser on her now than before, she having lost weight when she got sick in the first place and never really gaining it back. Her shirt was balled up in the center, stomach glistening with the beginning of sweat from her being there on stage for six hours under intense light and heat.

She never looked so beautiful from down here ...

He scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. What had he been doing? He felt as if he were bipolar all over again: throwing mixed signals to her nearly every day, feeling one thing one moment and another the next. Wanting to hold her, kiss her and be with her for one time and then just wanting to ravage her the next and forget about it later. He was a fool back then, he was an even bigger one now.

She was singing now, dancing fluidly with the other dancers. She had a look of determination on her face as she made the song her own personal powerhouse, demanding attention from everyone in the room. From the light crew to the maintenance men working on the display, they were all watching her.

Her body pulsated with the hook of the chorus, one hand to her chest, the other resting on her waist as she stood to the side, facing the front of the stage. Her eyes had clouded over, he knowing just how much she got into the music at this point, smiling to himself. She had that same look when ...

"Hey."

He spun, catching Aundrea's smile. "Hey yourself. How are you?"

"Good," she smiled. "How's she doing?"

"Really good," he said softly, eyes slowly casting back to her dancing form on the stage, various hands running along her body as she seduced them, body still slightly pulsating as her hips swung then, his own eyes watching them, watching how they moved liquidly, the hand on her waist moving to her belly and sliding along it. "Really, really good."

She laughed. "I don't understand you."

"Yeah," he frowned, "neither do I."

Aundrea patted his back sympathetically, entering the arena and making her way down towards Johnny. He went to move, suddenly frozen in his spot when her gaze caught his. Suddenly, he was the only one there and she was performing for him. He licked his lips, she doing a body roll and whipping her head to the side, hair flying in front of her face, though the piercing green of her eyes breaking through the strands and burning into his.

You gotta show me something
My heart is missing some pieces
I need this puzzle put together again

Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is damaged, so damaged
And you can blame the one before

So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?

He stepped further into the arena, eyes not leaving hers as she finally broke the gaze, going back into performance mode, hands skirting up her body invitingly, the two male dancers appearing in front of her and she pulsating her body for them, JC shaking his head. He sat down next to Johnny, eyes anywhere but on her.

My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged, damaged, damaged
My heart is damaged ...

He frowned. Way to rub it in.

The song ended, Johnny clapping. "That was great, Audrina. We need to work on the lights a bit, but your part was just fine. Since JC's here, we can do the end of your set."

The end of her set? What did it have to do with him?

"Jace, go ahead up for 'You & I'."

Oh.

He got up, eyes meeting Aundrea's as she smirked, he shaking his head at her as he put his hands to the stage, lifting his body up easily onto it. A stage hand gave him a microphone, he feeling his heart start to pound as the acoustic guitar introduction began, watching as she sat down on the edge of the stage, microphone resting in her lap as he pulled the mic to his mouth. Suddenly, his heart wasn't in his chest, it was pouring through his voice. Suddenly, all eyes weren't on her. They were on him - including Audrina's.

You and I
Let's lay down our paths tonight
And you, yes, you
Why won't you see this thing through?
What I wouldn't change
I think I've gone insane

His stomach twisted, hearing her begin to sing the chorus with him, she getting up to give her voice more power, she stepping close to him. He could have hated her before, but suddenly, he felt the same intense feelings as before. He didn't know how she did it, but she did. He wasn't quite sure how welcoming he was to the idea, but he knew he'd hate it if it went away.

And I don't want you to be over this now
I can't stand the pain anymore
You were the best of love
What was I thinking of?
I don't know

He definitely didn't know.

He let his hand drop to his side as he felt her lean into him, slowly dragging his gaze down to her tiny frame, free hand coming up and resting on the small of her back. It was clear that she felt only friendship for him; she leaned to him for comfort.

That was all he was to her.

It hurt. Hurt bad. Just standing next to her after that realization killed him. It was as if someone just shoved their hand into his chest and ripped his heart out.

You and I
Can't understand reasons why
And you, yes, you
When did your heart a new?
Guess I could of changed
Or should I of stayed the same?

And I don't want you to be over this now
I can't stand the pain anymore
You were the best of love
What was I thinking of?

I guess I should have changed
Or should I of stayed the same?

He made the decision mid-way through the ending of the song. He needed to completely move on. He needed to be away from her, though it was too late to leave the tour, he needed to stay away from her. She was poison. His kryptonite.

To make a mental point to himself, he stepped away, catching Aundrea's puzzled expression, he ginving a blank look in return. Tonight was their last night in California. Tonight, he was going out and getting drunk. Tonight, he was going to find someone. Tonight, he was going to forget all about her and put his mind on something, or someone else.

Tonight, he was going to find a hook-up. To prove to himself and everyone else that he was over her.

He was going to need a lot of alcohol.

She buckled herself in to the seat of the private jet that Johnny had chartered for she and JC to fly down to Florida in, eyes knitting in confusion as his normally smooth-moving body struggled to sit in the seat across from her, face ashen and eyes tired. The seatbelt was fumbled with for quite some time before he got aggravated and literally just tied the ends tightly together, slumping in his chair and covering his eyes with his hands and grumbling underneath his breath.

He was still in the clothes he had changed into after rehearsal late last night, the jeans pleated pleated from he sleeping in them, shirt wrinkled. Sunglasses rested on top of his head, though as quickly as she noted them, he had pulled them down and leaned his head back against the chair, she seeing his eyes closed from the open area between the glasses and his cheeks.

And his hair. She smirked at how it stood on end as if it were purposely supposed to. The smirk fell off of her face as he groaned to himself in irritation, lifting his head up and meeting her gaze. Since the day before, they hadn't spoken. After they rehearsed the last big of 'You & I', he suddenly was too busy to be bothered with her, with Aundrea's questions, Johnny's critiques. He suddenly became to busy to be himself.

He looked away when he saw her questioning gaze, she sighing deeply, loud enough for him to know it was about him and cast her gaze over to Aundrea, who was sitting in another chair with her laptop on the tray in front of her. "Hung over," she mouthed, Audrina suddenly aware of why he was wearing sunglasses and looked so disheveled when he usually made himself presentable to just go out and get a newspaper. He had himself trained for that the moment *NSYNC had to get bodyguards because paparazzi was following them everywhere. He had always been self-conscious about how skinny he was, the gap in his teeth, now he focused on what he could do and got them to talk about other things that he knew weren't true.

Like the recent rumors of why he hadn't had a girlfriend in the last year.

Because he had a boyfriend.

She cringed inwardly. She had nothing against choice, her best friend growing up was gay. But it hit home when it started with him. She never dated and fell in love with her best friend; she fell in love with JC.

The rumors had been brutal, instead of fighting the fire, JC had chosen not to address them, not to confirm, not to deny either side of allegations. Johnny had told her he wanted nothing at all to do with the story, since it wasn't him. Chase was a friend. Someone that shared many of the interests that he had that he hung out with. It was the same when their were photos of JC and Justin. Just photos. Photos that meant nothing and never would.

She wanted to say something to him, tell him that she was there if he needed her, but it wouldn't help. He wouldn't listen. He wasn't talking to her.

The plane landed sometime shortly after she had fallen asleep. At least, that's how it felt. JC was already up and carrying his bag towards the exit, Aundrea putting her laptop away. "Drea," Audrina said softly, she unbuckling her seatbelt and approaching her friend slowly, "something else is up with him. That's not just a hang over."

"We'll talk about it later," Aundrea said softly, giving her a look that she knew not to bring it up until the two of them were alone. "Let's get to the hotel and we'll talk."

"You know, don't you?"

"Oh, oblivious one, I know all," she said, giving her a weak smile. "You just gotta promise me you're not going to freak."

"Why would I -"

"Just promise me."

She closed her mouth, nodding. "Okay. All right, I promise."

"Good." Aundrea smiled as Dale and Tim, Audrina and JC's bodyguards respectfully, re-entered from helping JC with his bags. "And don't let people ask you questions. Johnny already ran it by me while the two of you were sleeping."

"I seriously miss everything when I'm unconscious."

Aundrea laughed. "You miss everything, anyway." She let Tim take her bag and laptop, linking her arm into Audrina's, they walking out with their bodyguards in tow. JC was little ways ahead, distant screams entering their ears as they saw fans about two hundred yards away behind a fence, Rina waving and causing the screams to get louder, she laughing hysterically as she ducked into the awaiting limo, Aundrea waving before she followed.

"He won't even talk to me," Audrina said, looking down at her fingers as the car began it's trip to the hotel about a half hour away. "Let alone look at me. It's like, he suddenly heard something so disgusting about me that it makes him sick just to look at me."

"I'm sure it has nothing to do with you, Rina." Aundrea replied, "he's a man. As complex as they think we are, they've got a lot more things that go on in their head than you think that we can't even figure out. He's not like a typical man, either; he's a musician. A musician with the intelligence of a genius. He may have typical problems, but with the not-so-typical life and his method of questioning everything, those problems are multiplied to infinity."

"You'd think, growing up with a brother, I'd understand them better."

"Especially since Brian is a musician."

"JC isn't like Brian," she said softly. "That's what I loved about him. He knew that if I needed space, he'd give it to me. He wasn't smothering and he wasn't clingy. He understood that even though the two of us rarely got time together, there were still times that we needed to be apart to keep our independence. Brian has always had a positive outlook on anything because of his faith, but JC's faith isn't quite so strong as his and I know he questions a lot of things and he sometimes loses direction."

"But you have faith, you can get him out of this."

"My faith is nothing," she said softly, shaking her head, "compared to Brian's, who can move mountains, mine can't even climb over a mole hill."

"What happened to the girl I once knew who had all the faith in the world," Aundrea asked, leaning her head up against the chair and tilting it sideways to study her friend, "the girl who relied everything on faith and reason?"

"Her faith left when he did," she said softly, "when I got sick, he was the only one holding it there for me. And when he walked out, it left with him. I'm still trying to find that reason."

Aundrea frowned as Audrina sighed deeply, she turning her head to look out the window. They rode in silence the rest of the way.



"Now, you girls holler if you need anything," Dale set the remains of their bags down into the foyer of the large suite, Audrina refusing a room by herself in unfamiliar territory (the last time she toured, someone was always with her; she wanted it the same way now) so Aundrea was staying with her. "We'll be in the hall."

Audrina nodded, waving off her bodyguard as she sat down on her bed, pulling her hair into a ponytail. "Okay, spill it."

Aundrea turned, confused. "Spill what?"

"What's going on with JC?"

"There's not really a way to say it, so I'll show you," Aundrea said softly, she walking over to her laptop bag and pulling it out, waiting for it to come out of sleepmode as she plugged it in to charge, sitting on the bed and going back to the gossip site she had been on before. "Come sit down."

Rina sat down slowly, eyes settling on an article with a large photo of she and JC together, a jagged line between the two of them and another of JC and Chase at the Playboy Mansion months ago. "Oh, God," she said softly. "What is this?"

"It's ... best if you read it." Aundrea turned the screen, sliding off of the bed to tend to her bags to let her read in private.

She closed the browser in disgust, looking over at Aundrea. "That's just sad. Making up stories because they're lacking in gossip. That's like saying I really don't have a heart problem, I just have a drug problem and cover it up with that or something."

"Don't say that too loud, they may hear," Aundrea chuckled. "Like Johnny said though: he doesn't comment on things he knows aren't true. Or are. It's his business, not theirs."

"You know about what he said?"

"Yeah, he and I were talking about it on the plane today," she said. "I showed him the article. But I guess he's got some little arm candy now that may prove them wrong or make them think he's trying to do damage control."

Now she was interested. "What?"

Aundrea shrugged. "Apparently he met a girl last night he really is into. Complete opposite of you, too." She paused. "Maybe that was his intention. She's brunette and she's like, an inch shorter than him. Apparently she's a struggling actress and works in a law firm. Lucy, I think he said her name was?"

"Really."

She nodded. "He saw the story yesterday, from my understanding, got pissed off and went and got drunk. That's when he met her."

"Great, a girlfriend because of a drunken night," Audrina grumbled. "This means I have to deal with that, don't I?"

"I'm 'fraid so, sweetie."

"Argh!" She turned, putting her head into her pillow and screaming. "Why does he do that?! He doesn't want to deal with something so he goes out and makes the problem disappear ... in his fucked up mind, anyway! Then when it comes back, he just gets into this bitch ass mood and it makes me want to hurt him." She got up, grabbing her things.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to talk to him. He's being an idiot and he's gonna get himself into a mess if he doesn't watch what he's doing."

"Rina," Aundrea grabbed her friend's arm, giving her a cautious look, "I know you care about what he does, but he's thirty-one now. He's a grown man. Any mistake he makes is on him, not you. You aren't together anymore, it doesn't make you look bad."

"Any mistake he makes does come back to me," she said, pulling her arm away, "I still care about him, Drea; I'm not gonna let him throw away his life because of something stupid. He was my life for six years and I'm not gonna just overlook this." She opened the door, telling Dale to stay put with Aundrea as she went down the hall, bringing her hand up to knock on his door, it slightly ajar as she heard him strumming on his acoustic guitar, his voice soft and barely audible over the strums.

The harder I try to make my escape
You still haunt me
The farther I get, the more intense
The seperation leads to desperation
'Cause when you're not close to me
It's like a freight train's running over me
You're killing me slowly

It was the song he sang on Las Vegas. At the time, it was only partially written, though the producer had heard him sing it in the dressing room and asked him to play it. As far as she knew, it was still unwritten for the most part. He was very secretive about his songs, especially this one. He had a notebook of songs that he kept hidden that she had found once, though she wasn't sure how he deciphered what he had written because everything was jumbled and all over the place.

She froze when she heard his struggle with the words, creeping into the room slowly and watching him from afar. He was facing the other way, sitting on the couch with his leg propped up on the table in front of him with a notebook beside his foot. He sounded irritated, upset, frustrated, even.

If only you were lonely and broken
I'd creep into your into your mind without you knowing
Rearrange the pieces when you weren't watching
And leave you with a memory that you loved me

He stopped. He was definitely hungover. Anytime he was, his emotions rode right along on his sleeve. Though it would have been amazing for him to do a show hungover with the emotion, it was horrible any other time.

She heard him going over the line to himself, changing the tone, the range. He was getting more aggravated, she could hear it in his voice.

"And leave you with a memory that you love-" he stopped. "That you loved m -" he stopped again. "That you loved me."

He wrote something down and continued.

And leave you with a memory that you loved me
If only you were lonely

She cleared her throat, startling him as he turned to look at her. "I'm sorry, the door was open."

"What do you want," he asked softly, turning his head, though she saw how glassy his eyes were. Something was definitely up. Even if it wasn't what she thought it was, there were things on his mind that she needed to know about. She wanted to help him; she wanted to fix this, she had to.

"I need to talk to you," she said, suddenly really nervous in his presence. "I think there's a lot you and I need to say -"

"I'm kind of busy right now."

She cringed at the sharpness in his voice, she shrinking at how much it hurt. "Jace -"

"I'm trying to finish this, Rina."

"Can't it wait?"

"No."

She sighed deeply, crossing her arms and studying him. "I'm not going to walk away from this."

"Right now, I want you to walk away from me."

Why was he acting this way? He had never been so cold to anyone in his entire life. "JC, seriously, I -"

"I want you out of my God damn room, Audrina," he spat, voice like venom while his eyes met hers, shooting daggers that went straight to her heart. "I don't want to speak to you. Actually, I don't want to see you." He turned around and she saw him bring up a shaky hand, placing it to his head as he stared at the paper, trying to ignore her.

She stepped into the living area, slamming the door that seperated it from the bedroom, this time he being the one that was startled. "I'm going to tell you the same damn thing you told me when I found out and refused to see you," she seethed, the blood boiling so hot that she felt it in her ears, they burning just by those few moments, "I'm not going away, JC. Whatever you're going through, I'm going to be here because that's who I am. You may not know it, but everything that affects you, affects me. I'm not walking away from this, I'm not letting you act like a fucking prick to me just because there's something on your mind that you don't know how to deal with."

"You wanna know the difference between then and now is?" He set his guitar down, standing up but not moving from his spot. "You wanna know what makes this so different?"

Her chest was heaving, she afraid she'd work herself up into a palpitation attack again. "What?"

"That we aren't together anymore. That I don't give a fuck what you think anymore. That's what the difference is. You can stand there until your face is blue but I'm not talking to you. I don't want to. What's going on in my life doesn't pertain to you. Get the fuck out of my room."

He swore at her. He never swore at her. It hit her hard in the chest and she nearly stumbled against the door behind her. The words were a mental slap to her face, tears forming in her eyes as her jaw began to tremble. For a moment, the hard exterior began to crumble on the man in front of her, but he stood his ground. "Get out, Audrina."

She took in a shaky breath, turning and pulling the door open. "I don't know why I fucking bother with caring about you when all you want to do is treat people around you like shit because of some stupid rumor that we all know isn't true. You want to be miserable? Fine. You want to hate the world? Fine. But don't ever come back to me with any fucking problems, Chasez. That's over. We're over. This tour is the only thing that relates us to each other. Our song? Gone. I'm not singing it with you and I'm not performing it, period. Take the God damn thing and shove it up your ass." She walked through the door, the echoes of "fuck you!" being heard as she slammed the door.


He sat back down, picking up the guitar with weak hands. He knew his outburst was a little over-the-top, well, more than just a little. It was a horrible thing and though try as he might, he couldn't take it back. He had never, ever spoken to her like that. Suddenly, it was okay? Suddenly, because he couldn't control his dick or his heart, he could speak to her like that? That because he slept with a girl who suddenly will not leave him alone from the night before and thinks they're together now makes it okay for him to talk to her like that? No. Because he made a simple mistake the night before after way too much alcohol made it okay to flip out on her? No. No, make that two mistakes. One simple, one larger than life. Losing her two years ago and losing her again two minutes ago when he told her to get out of his life.

That was the exact opposite of what he wanted.

He cried out in frustration, throwing the notebook across the room and putting his head in his hands. He had a hangover headache and his phone was constantly beeping alerting him of a text message from the girl from last night. What was her name? Lexi? Lassie? Lucifer? He smirked. Close. Though now, he was going to have to call her that and put her in his phone as that. If she didn't get all crazy and appear at his door at 3AM at some random hotel in another city. Lucy.

He got up, ignoring his phone and walking out of his room. "Dale, Tim, where is she?" He watched the men approach him from down the hall, they speaking amongst themselves.

"She got into the elevators about two seconds ago and threatened to flatten our manhood if we followed her," Tim said, chuckling slightly. "She looked pissed and upset. Went to the top of the hotel."

"And you didn't follow her?!"

"Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned, Jace," Dale concluded. "Who were we going to mess with a Littrell like that for? They're little, but damn, they throw a hell of a punch. Besides, she's up on the roof. Only people on this floor have access to it."

He sighed deeply, shaking his head as he put his hands in his pockets. "I fucked this up so bad, man ..."

"Ah, so you're the mother fucker she was bitching about?" Dale grinned, JC shooting him an offended look. "Just go talk to her."

"She hates me."

"Dude, no, she doesn't. She'll never hate you."

"How do you know? How do you know that I didn't just put the nail in the casket of our already dead relationship? The shit is gonna hit the fan once Johnny finds out she refuses to perform our song with me ..."

"Ah, I think the shit is gonna hit the fan regardless," Dale laughed. "Just go talk to her. Otherwise, I have to deal with her cranky ass all day."

He frowned, shaking his head. "I think it's too late for apologies. It's too late for a lot of things."

"Jace -"

His mind suddenly went to the woman waiting through text message(s) to speak with him. At least someone would talk to him. "I gotta go." He turned, closing his door and locking it.

His eyes shot open when his phone beeped again, he reaching forward and pulling it into sight, free hand rubbing his eyes roughly.

Oh, yay! I can come anytime!
... Wonder if the song is about me? ;)

The doors didn't open quick enough for her, she prying them open herself and squeezing out, nearly falling as she stopped herself, an exhausted sob escaping her throat. She made it towards the middle of the roof when she collapsed, falling to a pile on her knees.

Never thought that love could feel like this
Then you changed my world with just one kiss ...

Your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

The tears fell silent, she looking blurrily ahead as the sun set, the tears in her eyes giving more of a crazy colored illusion of it than it really was. Was that how she saw she and JC? A crazy illusion of something that really wasn't all she thought it to be? Those six years had to be a waste. They just had to be.

She just had to prove that to herself.

"So what's going on between you and my best friend?"

JC bent down, slipping off his sandals and holding them in his hand. "What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, what do I mean? The two of you haven't even looked at each other for two weeks! You've had six concerts and I swear to God, your song should be called 'Don't Stand So Close To Me' since the two of you stand the entire stage length away from each other. You come into a room, she leaves; her name is mentioned, you change the subject. "

"I don't know," he said softly, looking ahead as she walked arm in arm with Aubrey, who had flown down to visit her friends. They were now in North Carolina after an afternoon show for a radio station, flying out to Oklahoma later on that night. "What time do we have to be back at the hotel?"

"See, there you go again: changing the subject."

"Aundrea, I don't want to talk about it." His voice was low, eyes cast forward. He had been walking by himself, but after a few backward glances from Aundrea, she slowed her pace, joining him in the slow stroll he had taken on, not wanting him to be by himself. "I enjoy your company, but I do not enjoy the questions."

"I just ... I want to fix this for you guys."

"There isn't anything to fix," he said softly, phone ringing in his pocket. He could only groan, knowing who it was: Lucy. "I appreciate you trying to make things right -"

"Look, JC," Aundrea cut him off, standing in front of him so that he stopped in his tracks, "I know that the two of you had a falling out. I know you said things you didn't mean and I know she did, too. How do I know that? Because I know her. From knowing her, I know you. She loves you, JC. She worries about you. Probably more than she should, but she does. And from the look you're giving me right now, I know you love her, too. I don't know why you can't suck it up and be a man and tell her you still want to be with her, but it's bullshit that you're just dancing around the obvious. She can't see it, but I can. What she sees is a man who wants nothing to do with her because she thinks you've only came back into her life because you can."

He looked at her, the ringing phone long forgotten. "I can't go back in time and make things right, Drea; that's not what life is. I had my chance, we had our chance. She deserves better than me; better than someone who can't even keep his life straight long enough to know what he's had. Better than some struggling musician whose world falls apart everytime he meets her eyes because he just can't look at her without knowing how much he screwed up. And every single day, he's faced with that decision he made. And every single decision he's made since then."

The phone rang again, he sighing with annoyance. "Including this one." He pulled the phone out of his pocket, giving a sympathetic smile to Aundrea as he pulled it to his ear. He didn't want to take the call, but he didn't want to talk about where his heart was anymore. "Hey, Luce."

Aundrea sighed, walking slightly behind him to give him privacy, but close enough to still see his face. It was closing in on dusk, and at that moment, with the sun shining on his face in just the right spot, he had aged overnight. He no longer had the brightness to his eyes, the frown lines had seemingly deepened and the smile that once was a permanent imprint on his face was just a figment of imagination.

He was talking lowly, she sighing deeply and looking ahead at her two best friends, arms linked as they walked through the sand, the street lights kicking on slowly as the light began to fade. The obvious had been stated and yet he didn't act upon it. She knew that it was the truth, she could see it in their faces when they did look at each other. She saw the longing in his eyes, saw the desperation in hers. He was longing for her, longing to continue on with what they had; she was desperate for answers, desperate to get through to him.

"I'll see you in Oklahoma then."

She stopped. "Who is you?"

He looked over at her as he hung up the phone, forcing a smile. "Lucy. You'll get to meet her."

"When?"

He pursed his lips, she following his gaze towards the laughing girls ahead of them, Audrina on Aubrey's back piggyback-style, they playing in the water that was cresting. She saw the familiar flash in his eyes, the longing she caught nearly every time she look at him. Why didn't Rina see it? Most importantly, why didn't he realize that was what was in his eyes? "She'll be in Oklahoma. Sticking around for the week."

"So she'll be with you on your tour bus?"

He nodded. "Why?"

"Ugh, nothing," she said, dropping her hands in defeat. This, this was going to be interesting. Did he not see what was going to happen? Did he not remember the very high-profile relationship he had with the woman he was dating? Bring in a woman with the knowledge of this and their history and it only called for a very big, very not-so-wanted blow-out.

"Drea, help me!"

She turned her head towards the laughing yet desperate voice as Aubrey attempted to toss Rina over her shoulders, Audrina hanging desperately onto her tanktop and pulling her with her, both girls toppling into the water with a loud splash. Laughing hysterically, she jogged over towards her friends, extending her hand to help them, only to have Aubrey pull her into the water, too. "Argh, you guys, this is Gucci!"

"Cry me a river, you big baby!" Audrina laughed, she getting up and running a hand through her hair, cursing that it was now wet and would automatically curl as it began to dry. She turned her head to wring her hair, catching the piercing blue eyes watching her from a distance, the gaze being broken when Aundrea grabbed her by her leg and pulled her back down. The eyes haunted her, even as she forced a laugh out, she couldn't help but turn her head to where he once was, he now walking down the beach and not looking back.

She got up against the protests of Aubrey and Aundrea, she giving them a weak smile as she began to walk, wringing her clothes out. "I'm tired, guys. Let's go back to the hotel, all right?"

Aubrey and Aundrea looked at each other, concern on their faces. "It's not -"

"No, my heart is physically okay. Emotionally, I don't know how much more it can take." She walked away from her friends, opposite the direction of JC. Wrapping her arms around herself as she walked, she felt the tears burn in her eyes. Two years. It had been two years, and yet, he was still capable of bringing tears of her eyes. He was still capable of making her feel like every little thing centered around him, every emotion she ever felt was because of him.

"Rina!"

She ignored the soft voice calling her, knowing very well that it was Aubrey. Aundrea had given up trying to stop her friend when she went off into one of her 'I'm tired' moments, though she never pushed her to stop making excuses in fear of pissing her off. It seemed as if everything but her music had just fallen through the cracks. Sure, she still had Drea and Bree, but what else? Brian was clear across the country and JC was galaxies away, even if he was just in eyesight.

SHe dropped her hands, the humid air cooling a bit as she sighed deeply, hearing nothing behind her. They had given up. Good.

"Bet you can't stay steady on that thing when a wave breaks."

She stopped, the voice lingering in her head. What?

"You wouldn't want to put money on it, now would you?"

The voice prior laughed. "I could, but that wouldn't be as much fun as the wager I have."

She froze in her spot, suddenly remembering exactly what the memory was from. Myrtle Beach in 2000. She and JC were hanging out with the rest of his groupmates during a small break between concerts, the other four already in the water while JC hung back, sitting on the towel next to her. He had been very adamant about wanting to take her out, the attraction between the two very obvious, though she was slightly afraid to date him because of who he was, who she was and who she was related to.

She shook herself out of her reverie, looking down at her hands. She could taste his lips on her then; could feel his fingers in the empty spaces between hers. Licking her lips slowly and inhaling, she put her forehead to her knees, shaking her head. This heartbreak, not her heart condition, was going to be the death of her.



"Great show, man."

JC accepted the towel that was tossed to him by a roadie, thanking him. He pat his forehead dry, sweat pouring against his warm skin. He had busted his ass tonight, it being the only way he knew how to forget everything for those two short hours. Lucy was somewhere, not in his sight at the moment, which shocked him. Ever since her flight had landed in Tulsa, she had not left his side, not even for the two minutes that he wanted to take for himself to even go to the bathroom. When he came out, she was by the door with a look of longing on her face. He had really picked a good one.

"Where's the little lady?"

He turned to see Aubrey leaning up against the lights display, he shrugging as he threw the towel across his shoulder. "Wouldn't know."

"Maybe you should keep a good grasp on this one, Chasez; wouldn't want to lose her, too."

"Butt out of this, Aubrey -"

"I'm not butting out of this, JC," she snapped, pushing herself away from where she was standing, "Rina is my best friend. I'm not going to sit around and watch her have to be this stone cold woman because she's afraid of even looking at you and breaking. You may not know this, but she's not over you. I'm not quite sure why, since you just up and left her because of some little fear, but she isn't. She loves you and seeing you with Lucy is going to kill her. Do us all a favor and keep a grasp on what you have, wouldn't want your stupidity to be the reason you lose yet another person."

He opened his mouth to speak, stopping when a pair of hands slid over his shoulders, he looking back over at Aubrey, the loud, opinionated best friend with a hard, icy glare. "We're not done with this, Aubrey."

"Oh no, we're done. You and Rine aren't." With that, she walked away, bumping into him roughly as Lucy scoffed from behind him.

He sighed deeply, hanging his head as he felt Lucy place her lips to his neck. "Not now, Luce; I've got a headache."

"I could make it better," she said, voice low and raspy in his ear as her hands slid lower and lower on his torso, his hand reaching down and stopping her before he was fully cupped in the middle of the backstage area.

"I have to go on for the encore, Luce."

"They don't need an encore, they just had a four hour show."

"Did you pay for a ticket?"

"No."

"Then you wouldn't care about an encore. These people paid money for a show and I'm not going to half-ass it." He shrugged out of her grasp, going back on the stage as the screams got louder, he putting his microphone to his mouth. "Hello again, Tulsa, Oklahoma!" The screams were deafening as he grinned, eyes taking in the enormous crowd, in awe of how many people were in that place. "Encore, maybe? Perhaps? Or should I just go -" He teasingly moved, the screams crying out in protest. "No? All right!" He grinned, looking back at his band. "Take a break, fellas, this is for the audience's participation."

The screams got louder as he watched the band leave the stage, he going towards the center of the stage, a stagehand coming up and handing him the acoustic guitar, moving the smaller stand down for the sound of the guitar, JC thanking him as he pulled a pic from the stand. "Now I need you all to clap to keep beat. Pretty simple, just follow my lead ..." He clapped in beat with the song that he was going to start, smiling as the audience picked it up and he stopped quickly after. "Now, this isn't one of mys songs on my albums, but I did write it with a good friend of mine. I think you may know him? Brian Littrell?" He grinned as the cheers got louder, he shrugging, "I mean, if the name isn't even familiar, I'm not sure what would be for you guys. This song is more rockier, but since I'm making it my own, we're doing it acoustically. So here we go!"


Audrina froze when she heard her brother's name mentioned, taking a sip of her water and walking towards the wing, confused to see JC in the center of the stage by himself. She knew they had changed his set yesterday, but wasn't sure what had been the change up until now. She immediately recognized the song as one from her brother's group's new cd, forgetting that he had also worked with them on their album and it was actually how he had found out she was in the middle of her own.

"Oh God," she said softly to herself, biting her bottom lip. It was times like this that she wished she were alone, the song doing something to her that only he knew about.

Damn him. He had this planned. He had to of! This song was not on the set list!Or maybe Johnny just wanted to add a song to the mix.

The verse began, her stomach fluttering as she felt the burning deep in the pit of her belly, eyes permanently fixed on his body as he performed for the audience, body turning to the side and suddenly, he was performing for her. He was doing this to spite her.

Hell was waiting on him.

Conversation hotter than a fireman engulfed
Sweeping through my body, causing temperatures to smoke
Every second passing makes it hard for me to cope
So come to me, so come to me

She gulped. This was the part that killed her. Shot through the heart, dead on arrival killed her. Even in the dull lights before the flicker of brighter ones, she saw the intense look on his face, the face of knowing. His eyes were clouded over, and she could only imagine what he was thinking.

He was playing games with her.

Walking with my fingers and I'm creeping down real slow
Reaching for the places that no one could ever go
Pushing me to ecstacy, you touch my very soul
So come to me, so come to me, yeah

She inhaled shakily, unable to tear her eyes away. It was a disaster she couldn't stop looking at her. Her disaster.

Thinking of you, what can I do
I'm thinking of you ...

She felt a presence behind her, seeing an unfamiliar face. "Who are you?"

The woman looked at her, not sure of how to take the slightly agitated question. "Lucy."

Audrina frowned. "Oh. Nice to meet you." She didn't mean that. She turned, seeing the look of puzzlement go over his eyes as he turned away from them, she reaching over to her microphone stand and grabbing it, waiting for him to finish. The night could not end any sooner than it was.

As a ritual, he was still on stage when she re-entered, he finishing up his final bow. "Give it up for JC Chasez!" She was walking onto the stage, trying to keep the bewildered and completely riled up face off as she forced a big smile, holding her hand out to slap his down low, he going in for the slap but taking her by surprise as his fingers skimmed her bare hip, then slapping her hand. He gave her a knowing smirk, full of ego. She cursed him inwardly, still keeping the grin as she turned, facing the crowd. "I'm so glad to have been here, thank you all for having us both here for your plans for the night!"


JC watched her from the wing just as she had done with him, hearing her introduce her two friends out on stage for her. Normally, she had used 'Schizo' as an encore song, but with they being there, she had switched 'Damaged' and used it as an encore so they could come out.

"Why don't we call it an early night and get back to the tour bus," Lucy's voice purred into his ear as his eyes stayed on Audrina, unsure of what to say. He loved to watch her, be it singing, dancing or just sitting on the couch watching a movie and unwinding. When they began dating, he had already found his favorite thing about her that he could just have for the rest of his life and be happy: her laugh.

She hadn't done that in a long time without the sound of fakeness pouring out of it. No one could tell but him. He knew she was forcing it.

Why were they being stupid? Better yet, why was he? Getting drunk and picking up some random girl? That wasn't like him.

"JC?"

That random girl. Lucifer. He chuckled. "In a minute."

"But, baby ..."

"Hold on, Luce. I just wanna see this song ..."

You try to gain my trust, talking is not enough
Actions speak louder than words, you gotta show me somethin'
My heart is missing some pieces
I need this puzzle put together again

Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart is damaged, so damaged
And you can blame the one before

So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?


It was more than the song he wanted to see. It was the pulsating, twerking, gyrating and popping that Audrina did. She moved her hips in ways he wasn't sure he had seen many women do, rolling them as if they had been made to do what they were doing. Her hands went over her body, he feeling the same familiar boil that she had felt only minutes prior, he clearing his throat and casually situating himself, watching her hand run over her breasts, over her stomach, her waist. Watched her roll her hips with Aundrea and Aubrey during the bridge, she facing his direction and playing up to the crowd, giving him an open view of her entire front, though he wasn't complaining.

The way she moved brought him back to the times that they had been together, the way her hips rolled in rhythm with his, much like they were now. The way she would roll them to get entirely aroused, to how she would gyrate with him and bring them both over the hilt.

He had to leave, he had to go ... somewhere less suffocating.

"Let's go."

Lucy smiled, taking his hand as he walked towards the dressing room. He gathered his things and quickly showered (though, not really against his wishes, but against his fantasy, Lucy had joined him) in a rainfall of cold, cold water and opened the door, he exiting with Lucy close behind as Audrina came down the hallway all smiles until she met his eyes. "I'll meet you on the bus, Luce," he said softly, she looked at him as if he were crazy, "just go."

Lucy frowned, already pouting. Seriously, where did he find her? "Fine."

With Lucy out of sight and Aubrey and Aundrea just staring him down, he brushed past them without saying a word, jogging to close the space between the retreating woman. "Rina. Drine, wait."

She continued back down the hall and out towards the exit, she forcing a smile as she heard the screams of her fans, she turning to wave as she idly signed autographs, he stepping up close to her and signing some of his own. "We need to talk," he murmured as he raised his voice to say a hello to a fan that had greeted him. "Please."

"Why, so you can make a fool out of me some more? Tell me how much you hate me?" She spoke through a clenched smile, she waving as she disappeared behind her tour bus, he apologizing for his quick departure and walking quickly back towards where she had disappeared, catching the door before it slammed shut. "God damnit, JC, just go be with your little drunk slut!"

"Is that what this is about?!"

"What? Our not talking to each other?" She scoffed, looking at him incredulously, "you have got to be kidding me!"

"Look, I know I said some shit that shouldn't have been said when all you were doing was being a friend -"

"Yeah, a friend. But apparently, she don't know how to be that, either. You fucked up as a boyfriend and just wanted to fuck up as a friend, huh? You wanted to just add another notch on your bedpost with me, was that it? Get the virgin in bed and fuck her over later on when her heart is involved."

"After being with you for six years, you think you were just another notch? That I just got you to sleep with me? After six fucking years? Don't you think if I wanted that, I would have left when I got it? That's not what I was after!"

"Well then maybe you can tell me what it was, because obviously it wasn't gonna end the way I wanted it."

"I wanted to be with you, Rina! I wasn't ready to settle down!"

"No, you didn't want to. You made that nice and clear in that note you left me when you left. Yeah, that's right, JC; I'm good at keeping your secrets from the world, why not give me another, huh? Why don't we tell the world that it wasn't mutual? That you left me in the middle of the fucking night? Any other secrets you'd like me to share with the world? Why you don't want to see me? Why you can't stand to be in the same room as me?"

"Those were lies," he snapped. "I didn't want to deal with the shit I've been dealing with since I was twenty-one-years-old, Audrina; it's been around for eleven years, why should I have to continue to defend myself when those people don't mean shit to me?"

"That wasn't why you refused to talk to me," she snapped. "I may be blonde, but I'm not dense. I know the look you gave me, and it was deeper than that. So c'mon, out with it!"

"I don't want to talk about it!" He threw his hands up in anger, she scoffing and brushing past him, mumbling underneath her breath. "What, Rina, what the fuck do you have to say now?"

"I said, 'figures'! You couldn't even tell me when we were dating that you didn't want marriage, but you kept me around for six years. What are you going to do, waiting another six years to tell me this? Well, guess what, I'm not waiting around for that explanation." She slammed the door behind her, going back outside to where the fans were, she signing more autographs. He was fuming now, angry at himself that he couldn't bring it out to say to her, angry at her for egging him on when he wasn't ready. "Don't walk away from this, Audrina -"

"Why not," she asked, turning her head so that she was looking at him over her shoulder, "you taught me how." She set the pen back down on the paper, giving a syrupy sweet smile to the fan she had just signed for, escaping back into the arena with a slam of the door.

He could feel the anger rising into his ears. She was throwing this all back on him when all he did was try and save her from the inevitable. He wasn't the marrying-type, he wasn't the type of person she'd want to marry. He was just saving her from a disaster he knew would happen.

He breezed past the fans, giving them all a weak wave as he pulled the door open, seeing her storm off towards her dressing room. He ran up to her, grabbing her arm and jacking her up against the wall as she cried out in shock, eyes wide as he lowered his head to be eye-level with her tiny frame. "Not once in my life has someone made me so pissed off and so happy at the same time being in the same room as you have. Regardless of if you believe it or not, my leaving had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. If I could take it back, I would, but I can't. You're just going to have to accept that and accept my apology for the other day. I was angry and upset and I know I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"Whatever."

He dropped his head in annoyance, seeing just how close they were. Both of their chests were heaving together, they so close that he couldn't even seen between them to their feet. His mind wandered again, back to a time when she was beneath him, chest rising and falling as it had been just then. He shook his head, ridding his mind of those thoughts as he covered the hand holding her chest with his own hand, she looking at him in confusion, "you still have my heart, Rina, just remember that. No matter how pissed off you may be at me and how much you do not want to talk to me, just remember that every decision I make is because I have you in mind. You're the only one who will ever have my whole heart."

With that, he turned on his heel, leaving her standing there in bewilderment.

He was restless. Everyone had gone out for lunch while he stayed behind to work on rusty vocals to a song he hadn't sang in a while, they all spending the entire day at the arena where the concert would be that night, Aubrey and Aundrea missing from the line-up after an emergency call from Diddy brought them back to L.A.

Long ago had he fixed his vocal arrangement, happy with how the song sounded; long ago he had stopped doodling and calling people for entertainment. How long could a small group of people actually have lunch?

"Not even with me?" She jutted out her lip as she untied the robe, his eyes widening as he realized that there was nothing underneath it. "Afterwards, we were going to play 'find my clothes' ..."

He chuckled at her bad joke, shaking his head as she got up, her fingers playing with the hem of his shirt and slowly pulling it up and off of his body. "Who would have thought that this little girl from Kentucky with the biggest religious family would be the biggest sex fiend?"

She slid her hands across his chest and to the middle of his back, she placing gentle kisses to his shoulder and shrugging. "It's not like I was like this before you; you did this to me, baby."

"I did, didn't I?"

She looked up at him, a gleam in her eyes. "Don't get cocky."

"Well, I can give you -"

She silenced him, pressing her lips to his, murmuring, "shut up."

"You know, if that's how this relationship is going to be with you talking to me like that, I don't think we're gonna last long."

"Right, because every birthday that you have, you always look forward to what I have in store."

"Only because I know the end results."

She laughed, hitting him playfully. "Perv!"

He froze in his spot. What day was it? April what? April ... 18th? 19th? Grabbing his phone, his eyes widened. It was the 21st. Audrina's 29th birthday.

He shook off his thoughts, approaching the front of the arena and stepping in, freezing when he heard a piano, the melody a sad and haunting one. His eyes settled on the figure behind the piano, mind blank. It was Audrina.

Sinking slowly into a seat, he watched her, mesmorized by the song and by her voice. She hadn't sat behind a piano probably since the ending of the album recording; this was her at her best. The piano was her best accessory; when they were dating, he used to love to sit on the bench beside her and just watch, though it usually meant she would do the same to him.

It always was probably the first time in three days that they had been in the same room together. Well, a room the size of a couple hundred.

And then she began to sing.

He remembered the song, a song that Brian had sung at a show he had accompanied her to back when they were dating. Suddenly, Brian's strong, pleading voice was disappearing from his mind, taken on by a more soft, nurturing one; one that brought JC's stomach into a frenzy. He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

... And now I gotta move on
I've gotta catch up to the world
Even though I gave you my life
As wrong as it seems, I know it's right

But is there a place where I can go away
To escape the love that I will forever know

Where can we go from here?
All I know is that I love you still
Sometimes we do things against our will
I know I cry lonely tears
Where can we go from here?

Why, why do I cry inside
For a love that's gone away
And how can I carry on
When I know all the love is gone

Where can I go to get away
From the pain of loving you?
Tell me where ...

Where can we go from here
All I know is that I love you still
Sometimes we do things against our will
I know I cry lonely tears ...

Tell me where can I go to get away
From the pain of loving you
Where can we go from here?

It was quiet as she finished, staring down at the piano. He got up quickly, and by the grace of God, did not make a sound to startle her still form, he closing in by the end of the stage when she finally saw him. "Wait," he said softly, watching as she got up from the piano, "Rina, wait."

Her eyes crossed over the top of the piano and towards his, the look in her eyes one of fright. "I didn't know anyone was still here. I thought that you had gone to lunch -"

"Apparently, we both decided against it and had the same idea." He leaned up against the stage, watching her as she diverted her eyes, fingers dancing across the ivories and keeping her gaze away from him. "Happy Birthday, Rina."

She pressed a chord, still looking down. "Thanks."

They let the silence linger, he growing uncomfortable and hating the distance between them. "I'm sorry, too."

"Thanks."

He raised an eyebrow. Huh? Pulling himself up, he stood to the side of her, her already tiny hands smaller against the large keys. "Audrina, you okay?"

"Fine."

"Bull."

She looked up at him in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"You aren't 'fine'."

"Okay, so maybe I'm not; what's it to you?"

He sighed, defeated. "Nothing, I guess." He gave her a small smile, turning on his heel. "See you 'round, Rina."

Her soft voice stopped him in his footsteps, bringing him to a complete stop. "You're the only one who remembered."

"Remembered what?"

"My birthday." She responded, he turning and meeting her sad gaze. "Drea and Bree haven't called, Brian hasn't even called ... but you, you said something."

"I am a good guy sometimes, Rina."

"Yeah."

He stepped forward, reaching down and tugging on her elbow. "C'mon."

"Where are we going," she asked softly, letting him pull her away from the piano and out of the theatre itself. "Josh -"

He turned to look at her, looking at the face he had fallen in love with so many years ago. That was the first thing he noticed when he realized he was falling in love with her back then, how she said his name. How she let him be JC, but when she wanted to get down to the point of things, get his attention or get personal, she'd use his given name. "It's a surprise," he said softly, feeling her step closer to him as they approached the outside, fans waiting anxiously to catch a glimpse of one or both of them.

He opened the door to let her into the car, he leaning into the window by the driver and speaking lowly to him. As the man nodded and JC patted the car appreciatively, he slid in next to Audrina, glancing over her sad face. "Hey now, being with me isn't so bad, is it?"

She smirked, holding her head up on the door with her fist. "Maybe."

"I take that as an insult. You know damn well that you and I always had fun together." He gave her a sweet smile as she turned her head to meet his gaze, cheeks slightly reddening. "I wasn't even going there, you took that sentence upon yourself to make dirty!"

"I always do."

He chuckled, leaning his head against the back of the seat. She returned to being quiet again as he studied the side of her face, the face he had studied so many times and never forgot anything about it. Her eyes, a deep emerald (the green was from the Richardson side as she explained, she and Kevin sharing the green, though hers darker), always looked deep in thought, even when she was laughing. He called her his old soul when they dated, the intense gaze she looked back at him with flickered with happiness. Her skin was soft, especially in the spot that he loved to bury his face into, the sweet spot below her ear and along her jaw. She had a small scar by her left eye from walking into a door when she was a child, a scatter of freckles across her nose.

She had a cupid's bow mouth, with the perfect plump bottom lip and the two arches of her top lip looking like the top of a ribbon. She never wore lipstick, swore it off when she was sixteen and had red lipstick on, it staining her lips and keeping them that way for days after, even after she scrubbed.

And though he had no intentions to, his eyes slowly traveled down her body, from her small hands to her legs; legs that he had always watched when she was dancing, usually knowing where they'd be by the end of the night. Her body was soft, much unlike Aubrey's, who swore on her six pack and cut stomach, more like Aundrea, who watched her weight but didn't want to lose the feminine touch of her body. Her stomach was flat, but she didn't beat herself to get the body of Britney way back when her stomach was all the rage. She had a tiny scar on her chest from an exploratory surgery that was right below her breast bone, a birth mark on her hip in the shape of a half heart ...

"Jace, what are you looking at me like that for?"

He jumped, blinking once, twice. "Huh?"

"You're studying me or something ..."

"I don't need to study you," he said softly, she taken slightly aback, "I already know every part of you."

She blushed. "O-okay ... then ... why are you looking at me?"

He shrugged. "I'm just thinking is all."

"Oh."

The car stopped, he opening the door and extending his hand to help her out. The small, petite hand he had been looking at earlier slid into his as he tugged gently, she standing up and eyeing him. "So where are we?"

He released her hands, shoving his now free ones into his pockets and glancing back at the little shoppe behind him. "A little mom and pop ice cream parlor."

"And ... why would we be here?"

He grinned, turning slowly and letting her walk along side him as they walked to the door, he letting her in before him as the cool air hit his face. "I know you love ice cream and I was hungry."

"So, you being hungry brought us here?"

"Well, that and with my last tour I came here and the ice cream was amazing," he grinned, she rolling her eyes with a smile. "Go sit, I'll get us some."

"Jace -"

"I know what you eat, Rina," he laughed. "Go sit. I promise I won't let them lace it or something."

"That'd be you."

"Damn right," he grinned. "Now go sit," he said as he nodded towards the booths in the back. "I'll be there in a little."

"What's that smile for?"

She looked up, seeing JC approaching her with two cups of ice cream in one hand and a cupcake with a candle in the other. "Brian. He just messaged me. Said Happy Birthday."

"Oh. Well, see, there you go: he didn't forget."

"Felt like everyone did."

"I'm sure they didn't. It's just been busy around here, you know?"

She shrugged. "I guess."

Watching in curiosity as he pulled out a lighter, flicking it until it lit, putting it to the candle. Her stomach fluttered as he sang to her, not quiet, but loud enough for only her to hear, his eyes bright as he held on to the last word, making it into a high pitched word as she laughed, he pointing down. "Make a wish."

"I don't believe in making wishes on candles."

He scoffed. "Oh, then just, entertain me."

"Fine," she laughed, closing her eyes and making a wish in spite of herself. To be happy again. For him to realize that he needs me. One of those would be sufficient. She blew out the candle as she thought those wishes, he clapping like an overenthusiastic parent. "You're something else."

He grinned, sliding the cup to her, one side a light green, the other a blue. "What -"

"Mint Chocolate Chip and Cotton Candy," he grinned. "I know you love both so I thought I'd get you half and half."

"How thoughtful," she chuckled, giving him a sweet smile. She put the spoon to the mint side, putting it in her mouth as he watched her with a happy look on his face. "What now?"

"It's just good to see you smile, is all."

"I smile all the time."

He shook his head. "Not like that."

"I never had a reason to, I guess."

"You should do it more often," he said as he licked the remnants of the first spoonful off of the plasticware, "you always had a beautiful smile."

She looked at him, spoon hanging out of her mouth. It had to of been attractive, she knew, but she didn't care. What was going on here? When did they start talking again? When were they suddenly cordial?

It's undeniable that we should be together
It's unbelievable how I used to say I'd fall never

Her stomach twisted as she heard the words of a song, his eyes burning into hers. Suddenly, she felt like she did when she first started having feelings for him: the stomach butterflies, heart racing, clammy palms feeling that every time his eyes looked at her in that way, she was putty in his hands. She knew he was listening to the music, eyes still on her as she busied herself with her slowly melting ice cream, closing her eyes and enjoying the sweetness of the cotton candy, eyes fluttering back open, he still looking at her. "What?"

"I really am sorry about what happened," he said finally after a long period of silence, "I never should have taken it out on you and treated you like I did."

"You're right, you shouldn't have," she said softly, shaking her head as he took another bite of his ice cream, reaching over and breaking a piece off of her cupcake as her mouth dropped in shock. "Who said you could have some? Now I don't know if I want to eat it after God-knows-where your mouth has been ..."

"Argh, I'm clean, you know it," he laughed as she raised an eyebrow. "What? I am!"

"What about Lucy? I don't know this chick."

He scoffed. "I don't even know this chick."

"But you're fucking her."

Ouch. She watched the mental hit to his face as he sighed, giving her a slow shrug. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Well, it's you're either putting your dick in her or you're not," she stated, putting more ice cream into her mouth, "I mean, it's not like she wouldn't vocalize if you had."

"And what do you mean by that?"

She froze. "I mean nothing. But it's obvious when someone's got a dick jammed in you."

"And you'd know."

"Must we go back to that? Yes, I would know. How would I know? Because it was your dick!"

"Such foul language for such a religious little girl."

"Right. If I was that religious, you and I never would have slept together."

"And I thank God in my own religious way that you weren't." He gave her a satisfied smirk as she shook her head in disbelief. "What now?"

"Why are we talking about sex between us when it was about you and the whereabouts of your mouth?"

"Because you can't get enough of it?"

She laughed, eyes never leaving his as he put another spoonful in his mouth, triumphant. "You're egotistical, you know that?"

"Only when I know I've done good."

"JC -" She stopped, shaking her head as he looked on in interest, "never mind."

"No, I'm not never minding," he grinned, "what?"

"Forget I said anything."

"Tell me and I'll tell you something."

"You don't even know what it pertains to!"

"So?" He set the spoon down, looking at her. "Tell me. C'mon, Rina, this is me; we used to be able to tell each other everything."

"That was when we were sleeping together."

"So? Why should it change?"

"Because I'm not seeing you naked anymore?"

He chuckled, closing his eyes. "That's funny, 'cause right now, I can see you naked."

"You're disturbing."

"And you need to tell me what you were going to say."

She sighed, feeling her face redden at the impending doom that would surface from her comment. The ego would fly shortly. Getting a big spoonful of ice cream, she shoved the spoon in her mouth and mumbled, "you didn't even have to do anything; just looking at you got me off."

He nearly choked on his own air as he managed to figure out what had escaped her lips. "Whoa!"

She blushed. "Yeah, well. That's what you get, right? Take the virginity of the girl who was in love with you and just telling her it was hot outside would get her all bothered."

He grinned. "I'm going to have to remember that."

"Great," she mumbled, shaking her head as she continued to suck on the ice cream that she had shoved in her mouth. And yet another attractive feature that probably turned many men on. "Now, you."

He put the spoon in his mouth, ice cream already gone. Pig. "Let me think."

She studied him, he looking at her with a slow smile spreading across his face as they just sat across from each other, enjoying the company. She thought she'd regret coming out with him, but she was happy she came. He always made her laugh, always made her forget about the bad stuff.

So incredible, the way things work themselves out
And all emotional, once you know what it's all about, babe
And undesirable for us to be apart

Time froze at the line in the song, the only two people in the parlor she and JC. Her blinking slowed, his tongue slowed as it came out and snaked across his bottom lip. She was getting sick of hearing songs that made her want him more; sick of songs that made her love sick.

"This one really isn't embarassing," he said, breaking her from her reverie, he still sucking on the spoon. Oh, good God ... "Not so much for you as it is for me."

She nodded. "Okay ... ?"

"Well, you know how I had the hots for you back when we met, right?" When she nodded in response, he continued, "well, I wasn't going to do anything about it until your brother told me to. I kind of asked your brother for permission to date you."

"So that is why you're his favorite!" She laughed, shaking her head as he held his hand up. "There's more?"

He nodded. "And then I chickened out and actually had planned on asking you out at Christmas, but felt weird because I was still getting used to the slight age difference."

"It's three and a half years, JC."

"Back then, it seemed a lot bigger," he said, defending himself. "You were what, going on 21? We didn't start dating until you were 22 because I felt like I was robbing the cradle and I was only going on 24 ... I felt like a pedophile."

She laughed. "At least you got over it. Otherwise, well, you'd never know the amazing Audrina as well as you do."

Her phone beeped. Yet another text.

I have no idea where
you are, and JC is not
answering his phone.
Where are you guys?!
I hope you didn't kill
each other. I need you
both back here for sound
check.
Johnny

She chuckled, getting up and picking her phone up. "We better go. Johnny is having a bitch fit because he doesn't know where we are."

"All right." JC got up with her, taking the cupcake and letting her walk ahead of him, thanking the people at the counter. The small, teasing talk continued all the way to her dressing room, she still holding her ice cream cup, he finishing off the cupcake, she giving it to him as he smirked. "I'll see you on stage."

She smiled, nodding as he began to walk away, her voice stopping him. "Josh?"

The look on his face was indescribable as he turned to look her, the smile on his face contagious. "Yeah?"

"Thank you for this," she said, lifting up the empty cup of ice cream, "and for not forgetting."

He grinned, shoving the remnants of cupcake into his mouth. "You're welcome, Audrina. Happy Birthday."

She returned the smile, the familiar flutter in her heart beginning as she studied his face once more. The smile lines by his eyes, the blue-green orbs staring back at her with a happy light to them, the smile full. The cupcake crumb just hanging out on his bottom lip ... She chuckled. "You've got crumb on you."

Putting a hand to his mouth, he swiped, she shaking her head and stepping forward to point it out. He missed yet again. "Is it glued there, good God!"

She laughed, shaking her head and standing on her tiptoes, swiping it with her hand and gasping as his hand caught her wrist, face suddenly serious. "Josh ..."

"This is totally cliche with what just happened, but I can't help it -" he stopped, blinking slowly and lowering his face, nudging her nose with his as her lips parted. She had granted him access, mouth capturing hers tenderly, he holding her face as her hands rested on his chest, the cup dropped to the floor the moment his mouth touched hers. The kiss deepened, he releasing one side of her face and sliding to the small of her back, pushing her into him and letting his tongue meet hers. It was as if they had never stopped, as if they had just picked up where they left off, as if they -

"JC," she said softly as she pushed away from his chest, breathless, "we can't do this."

His heart dropped. He had made a mistake. All those reasons, signals - they were all wrong. She didn't want what he did. "Why?" He was almost afraid to hear the answer, she licking her lips slowly, self-consciously doing it also, tasting the mix of mint and cotton candy.

"Because you have Lucy," she stated, eyes darting everywhere, not looking at him, "because you have a girlfriend and cheating is wrong. Because it's us and -"

He stopped her, fingers gripping her chin. "Just say it, Audrina. Stop rambling."

Her eyes welled up and he suddenly felt his whole world fall apart around him. "Because I can't be with you, okay? I want to, but I can't let myself get hurt again.  I'm sorry."  Her words came out strangled as she fought back tears, they slowly falling down her cheeks and onto his hand.  She shook her head away from his hand, turning and opening up her dressing room door, slamming it shut. The obvious click of the door was heard, echoing in his ears.

So that was set, they couldn't pick up where they left off, regardless of how they felt for each other. Regardless of how good she felt against him, how her smile still made his stomach knot; they were done. Dead and buried two years ago. He had to move on, regardless of how bad it hurt.

He put a hand to the door, closing his eyes and blinking back emotion. He didn't know how much more of this tour he could take.

"Hey, birthday girl, you in there?"

Audrina looked up from her spot in front of the make-up counter, hands firmly planted on the porcelain of the sink. The familiar voice brought a smile to her face as she reached up, quickly wiping off the tears and walking quickly towards the door. Pulling it open, she was met with a pair of almost matching green eyes. "Kevin!" She literally lunged at him, wrapping her arms around his neck as he squeezed her tightly. "What are you doing here? Where's Mason? Kristin?"

"At home," he chuckled, hand smoothing up and down her back as he hugged her. "Thought I'd come down and visit you for your birthday." He pulled away, studying her face. "You okay?"

She sniffled slightly, swiping at the dry tears on her cheeks. "I am, now that you're here." She grabbed his wrist, pulling him into the room as she shut the door. "How's my baby boy?"

"Getting big," he smiled, "such a ham."

"It must be in the Richardson genes then," she noted, sitting down and stretching her arms, "Brian's the exact same way."

"Once upon a time, you used to be, too," Kevin replied, sitting down next to her and studying her face. "What's got you down today? It's your birthday, you're supposed to be happy, celebrating it."

"I was celebrating it this afternoon," she said softly, shrugging as her door opened, make-up and wardrobe coming in. "And then I realized that almost everyone forgot my birthday and it just started to suck."

"Something happen between you and Chasez again?"

She got up, walking towards the counter and sitting down on the stool as they began to work on her hair and make-up for the show. Meeting his eyes in the mirror, she felt tears begin to well up once more. "No."

"If I don't know a liar when I see one, then I'd be blind," he stated, chuckling slightly, "what happened this time?"

She sighed, looking from her make-up assistant to the hair stylist and finally back to him. "Everything. That's what happened. We went to get ice cream, we had a great time and it was just that."

"And you're upset about it?"

"Well, no -"

"So what are you upset about? That he didn't fall at your feet? That you didn't tell him you still love him?"

"No," she mumbled, closing her eyes and letting the woman put eyeshadow and eyeliner on her eyes. "Nothing like that."

"Then, enlighten me, Rine."

"He kissed me."

Kevin was quiet for a moment, he leaning back into the couch with a perplexed look. "And that's why you're upset?"

She cringed as a hair was pulled as they straightened it and slicked it back into a high ponytail for her first half of the show, she disappearing into the bathroom and changing quickly, she coming out a few moments later as she eyed her cousin. "That he kissed me? No. I am upset because when he kissed me I realized just how defenseless I am against him and I couldn't bring myself to get hurt again by him."

"Some people deserve second chances, Audrina -"

"He walked out on me, Kevin. Not the other way around. He left because he didn't want to get married. He left because he wasn't ready for something like that."

"Right. He left because of that. Not because he didn't love you. So he still loves you. You love him. Get it done and over with and just hook back up already. You two are like those stupid clicking balls that teachers have on their desks: constantly colliding and then going the other way."

"And?"

"And I walked away from the kiss. I walked away from it because I knew the outcome."

"How could you know the outcome when you wouldn't even let things pan out? That kiss could have been the kiss that brought you two back together. That could have been the one thing you've been waiting on for the last two years."

"It was what I was waiting on for the last two years, Kevin! But I know him; I know what he'd do. He doesn't want to get married -"

"He didn't want to get married back then," Kevin corrected, "who's to say he doesn't want to now?"

She played with the hem of her tanktop, shrugging slowly. "I don't know."


He stood on the stage with a broad grin on his face. So that was why they had such a long lunch! In the middle of the set, the band got up and disappeared, leaving a clueless Audrina, who stood helplessly, unsure of what to do as she spoke to the audience. Johnny had grabbed him by the elbow, pulling him on stage as Brian, Aubrey and Aundrea came in from the other wing, wheeling in a large cake with candles on it and large smiles on their faces. Behind Brian was Kevin Richardson, their cousin, who was holding a frame against him. Ater a very loud, very crowd-participated 'Happy Birthday' serenade, she blew out the candles and was surprised with a platinum album frame, she literally scream and diving into her brother's arms, bawling hysterically as the screams around her deafened everyone on stage, though they didn't care.

And then she hugged him.

It came quickly, followed right after Johnny. Her eyes had met his, a sad smile on her face as she wrapped her arms around his neck, his eyes meeting Kevin's from across the stage, the shock dissipating as he closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around the small of her back and hugging her tightly. "Thank you for being a part of this," she said softly, squeezing his neck once more before pulled away and meeting his eyes for a quick few seconds, turning her head and facing the crowd, pumping a fist in the air in excitement. "Thank you guys!"

And yet, the moment she left the stage, her demeanor towards him changed. She ignored him, wrapping a towel around her neck as she drank from her water bottle, following Brian down towards her dressing room, he sighing deeply as he headed towards his.

Thoughts of the kiss ran through his mind; the way her mouth was warm against his, molded perfectly and moved like a dance with his was amazing. He missed the feel of her mouth, of her body against his; how he'd casually skim his hands up her body to grip her shoulders, her breasts, but mentally, he was making a memory of how her body felt beneath his fingers, the curve of her hip, slight inward lining of her waist and the swell of her breasts ... he was memorizing it.

And it was the same when she had hugged him earlier. When he wrapped his arms around her, he imagined his body tracing lazy circles into the small of her naked back as she lie on her stomach, spent from the tryst they had beneath the sheets earlier. He imagined the numerous times they shared a shower, intimate as they just held each other underneath the warm stream of water.

Those were the moments he loved most, especially after she got sick. Lying, standing, leaning ... any position he was in, he held her. Her skin was soft, hair fragranced by the apples of her shampoo. She'd usually drop a kiss or two at the nape of his neck, nipping gently at his tender skin as he'd smile into her hair, relishing in the fact that he had another day to hold her.

And then he freaked. He freaked and lost the one woman he loved with his all over a fear of being tied down.

He had lied when he said he didn't want marriage. True, he didn't want it then, but he did want it: with her. But instead of letting her know that, he left, leaving her a note saying she deserved better and would find a man who would want to marry her, treat her better than he could.

Two years later and she had yet to even date a man.

How stupid was he for hurting her like that? He never imagined in his wildest dreams, no, nightmares, hurting her. He wasn't sure of her reason as to why she didn't date, but he felt guilty. Had she lost faith in being happy? Had she just given up completely?

"Surprise, baby!"

He froze mid-door handle grab, turning his head slowly to meet the gaze of someone he didn't think would be around for a while. At least, he hoped. "Lu-Lucy?"

"What, you aren't surprised?" She jutted out a lip as he released the door handle, turning to look at her completely. "I took some personal time off so I could come spend time with you so you wouldn't have to spend time by yourself and that girl."

He arched an eyebrow. "That girl?"

"The one you're touring with," she replied, turning her nose up. "I don't see what you saw in her for six years ..."

He felt anger rise, shaking it away as he turned to open the door. "I don't know what she saw in me."



"Go talk to him. Go talk to him or I'll bring him to you."

She looked up at Aubrey who was sitting on the counter next to her standing body, she wiping off her make-up and looking at her friend incredulously. "Pardon?"

"You heard me," she smirked. "Seriously. He kissed you, Rina. He still wants you. He probably still loves you."

"I told him I couldn't do it," she said, meeting Aubrey's eyes and then Aundrea's, who was filing her nails on the couch. "That I couldn't be hurt anymore."

"Right, and prancing around the obvious isn't hurting you? Good Lord, Rina, I swear for the last two years, you've been miserable, but these last few weeks have been even more pathetic. The both of you are sulking around, trying to put on this fake happiness, and then when the two of you are in the same room, it's like, poof! everything is right in the world or poof! everything is wrong because the two of you aren't talking. You fucking love him, Rine, don't you? Go tell him."

"I can't ..."

"You said yourself you'd put off marriage if it meant being with him," Aundrea said from behind her, "so go tell him that. Tell him how he's the sun, he's the stars, he's the moon, he's the rain -"

"Stop quoting that song, damnit."

"Tell him you love his lips, love his eyes -" Aubrey grinned, "he drives you insane."

"You both can go to hell," she mumbled, putting her make-up remover on the table and patting her face dry. "He isn't mine. He's with Lucy."

"You're right, he's everything but yours."

"I really do hate you."

Aubrey grinned. "Go make him yours. Make him remember why you spent six years together. Make him remember why he loved you so much. Tell him you love him. Tell him you want to do things to his body that you did so long ago. That you want to ravage his chest and rip his clothes off and just ride him -"

"Aubrey!"

"Okay, am I the only one who knows the sexual tension between them?"

"Oh, I see it," Aundrea said, raising her hand and shaking her head. "Seriously. Tell him you want to fuck his brains out."

"Drea!" Audrina turned to look at her more quiet friend, surprised at her comment. "I can't believe you just said that."

"Well, either you tell him," Aundrea said, pulling out her phone, "or I call him and say that you passed out and we need him down here now."

"You wouldn't."

"Watch me." Aundrea picked up the phone, hitting the familiar digits and putting it to her ear as Audrina ran to her, hitting the end button before she could connect the call. "You're going then?"

Audrina sighed deeply. "Fine."

"Good. Now let's make you look bangable."

"Guys -" She stopped, watching as Aubrey grabbed lipgloss and Aundrea tugged at her hair tie, running her hands through her hair. "Guys! He loved me in jeans and his t-shirt, I don't think I need to try and make myself look better ..."

"Right. Good idea." Aubrey jumped off of the counter, rummaging through Audrina's duffel bag. "Ah ha! I knew you kept this in here!"

Audrina turned around, eyes widening as Aubrey held up a light blue t-shirt with the words 'my mom says I'm a catch' on it. "I used to sleep in that when I spent the night at his house. It must have been packed in there when I was throwing t-shirts in there ..."

"Right. And I'm a boy."

She frowned. "All right, so, I keep it because it's soft and it reminds me of him." She caught the t-shirt as Aubrey tossed it to her, she walking into the bathroom and pulling it to her face, closing her eyes and inhaling deeply. Sometimes, it still smelled like him: a mixture of the cologne he wore and the earthly scent of him. He never once smelled bad, not even when he got off stage, though sometimes, he was close. At that moment, she smelled him so much that it felt as if she was putting her face into his chest, not just the shirt.

She remembered the day she saw him wear it. He had been at a charity event for the Challenge for the Children, he standing next to a dunk tank and laughing hysterically as Justin was sent quickly into water, just moments after his taunts to Cameron fell to deaf ears, the ball nailing the target. His head was thrown back, laughter ringing in her ears and bringing a smile to her face as she approached him. He had reached up to slap a high-five to Justin, shirt riding up and showing the thin line of his boxer-briefs, a hint of skin just above it. She saw the jeans hang low on his hips, saw the gleam in his eyes when he caught her checking him out. The shirt (and his body) were hers that night.

"C'mon, stop procrastinating!"

She pulled off her tank top, tugging the shirt over her head and pulling it down to her waist. Though it settled on his hips nicely, with his flat chest compared to her fuller one, the shirt rode above her jeans, showing a small hint of skin. "I feel ridiculous doing this ..."

"You'll get over it. Now, get out of there and go to him! Grab him by that hair at the back of his neck and just give it to him!"

"Aundrea!"

"Hey, I'm just saying what I know you're thinking!"

She groaned, stepping out of the bathroom as both girls looked her over. "What, what now?"

"No wonder he let you wear that shirt," Aubrey chuckled, "if I was a dude, I'd be jacking off right now."

"I seriously don't know why you two are my friends," she mumbled, both girls laughing and grabbing her hands, pushing her out the door. "I might disown you by the end of the night ..."

"We'll see you on the bus!"

She crossed her arms underneath her chest self-consciously, walking down the hall. Brian and Kevin both flew back home right after the show, only coming in to surprise her with the platinum award, Aundrea and Aubrey both staying for at least another week. Was she really doing this? Was she really going to face the one person, the one thing she was afraid of most? She wasn't afraid of him, but of the fact that he had hurt her and was able to do it again if she let him.

She stepped up to his door, suddenly very aware of just how close she was to what could be a new beginning or the end of something that had been waiting for a long time to do so. Suddenly, she wasn't so afraid; suddenly, all she wanted to do was grab him by the front of the shirt, pull him securely against her and kiss him like she had wanted to earlier that day. Kiss him with every ounce of pain she had the two eyars they were apart, that she thought about him finding happiness without her, that she hadn't found in the two years without him.

She put her fist to the door, knocking gently. Rustling came, soon followed by a very slow opening door. Her eyes widening at her greeter.

"Yes?"

Lucy. Lucy was here. "Is JC in there?"

Lucy rolled her eyes, leaning up against the doorframe, wearing his shirt and looking at her hands in a bored fashion. This was a bad idea. "He is, but he's indisposed as of right now."

"A-all right," she said softly, backing away. Her throat was tightening; she was going to cry soon. "Never mind then." She turned, walking slowly away and tugging at the hem of the shirt. "Such a stupid idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid ..."

"Rine, you okay? What's up?"

She heard his voice, pace speeding up. She needed to get to her dressing room, needed to get her things and lock herself in the bathroom of her bus. She needed to sleep the rest of her life away and forget about everything. Maybe her condition would give her a stroke and she'd forget about the life she had, forget about her heart breaking over and over again by the same man who she just kept giving it to. She'd forget how much she loved him, forget how much she wanted to be with him, regardless of all the bad stuff - because, in the end, the bad stuff was only miniscule to all the things he had done to make her happy. She wanted to forget his hugs, his kisses, his voice, their love-making. She wanted to forget how he'd say her name as he reached his climax, how he'd say her name in the morning to wake her up, how his mouth felt against the sweet spot on her neck, the only way he could get her to rise early in the morning for interviews. The way his hands would slide around her waist to catch her when they ran around his house in a silly game of some sort, his laughter ringing in her ears. How his fingers felt when they dug into her skin to tickle her, to get her attention; how his fingers fit in the spaces between hers and tugged her to him -

Just as he did at that moment.

"Talk to me, Rina."

She tried to desperately pull her hand out of his, fighting back an irritated sob escaping out of her mouth as she reached for the door of her dressing room, frantically trying to get into her safe haven, trying to escape his pleading looks. "Just let me go," she pleaded, "please, just let me go ..."

He released her hand, she scrambling into her dressing room and pushing the door closed behind her as his hand caught the it before it closed, she putting her hands to her face as she sobbed, body shaking as she sunk into the couch, burying her face into the cushions.

"Rina," he said softly, stepping towards her cautiously, reaching forward and brushing a hair away from her face, she jerking away from his touch. "Rina, please." He sat down across from her, gently prying her hands away slowly, voice racked with emotion, fighting back tears. "What's going on with you, huh? First you run away from me, and now, here you are, running again ..."

His eyes looked down at her shirt, smirking. So that was where it went. Another sob echoed, he shaking back into reality and grabbing her hands, tugging gently and holding them in his own. "Talk to me."

"Why," she asked through her tears, eyes meeting his and making his heart break, "why do I have to talk to you? You've moved on, you don't need to have anything to do with me ..."

He blinked back tears, reaching up and wiping his own away. It hurt him just to see her in the state she was in. "You need to calm down, Rina," he said softly, "your heart can't take so much -"

"I'm fine!"

He jerked away from her words, nodding slowly. "Okay, you're fine. Okay ..." He got up, unsure of what to do. "Then why did you come to my door," he asked softly, running a hand through his hair, "why were you there?"

"I wanted to talk to you," she said, attempting to calm herself as she dug her palms into her eyes, "Aubrey and Aundrea said I should ..."

"About what," he asked, stepping towards her as she stood up, wiping her eyes and looking away from him, "Rina -"

"About us," she said quickly, stepping away from him and walking towards her bag, busying herself with putting things back into it and closing it to leave. "About us and earlier -"

JC stepped up to her, grabbing her by the belt loop and pulling her up since her hands were busy. She cried out in surprise, hands flying up in defense as he grabbed her waist and turned her to face him. "About what, Rina?"

"Never mind."

He gripped her hips tightly, keeping her in her spot as she looked at him in shock, struggling against him as he pushed her to the wall, face dangerously close to hers. "About the kiss," he asked, lowering his mouth closer to hers as she squirmed, hands gripping onto his and trying to peel his fingers away from her jeans. "That's what you wanted to talk about, right? Otherwise, why would you be wearing my shirt without wanting to get me turned on by you all over again, huh? Try to get my attention without words, get me wanting to talk to you after you told me you didn't want to be near me again? Is that it?"

She closed her eyes, feeling his warm breath against her skin as he pressed himself closer to her. Bastard was hard against her thigh, his fingers dipped into the waist of her jeans and tugging her into him. Now, her squirming wasn't to get away from him, but to get closer to him, legs entangled in his as her breathing quickened.

One of his hands released her hip, pushing her against the wall as she looked at him, panicked. "Answer me, Audrina."

She felt his hand lower, felt it toying with the button of her jeans. He was playing her, playing her like an instrument to get the answers he knew he'd get if he got her where he wanted her and damnit, it was working. "Yes," she whispered, eyes shut as she nodded. "I wanted you to want me like I wanted you ..."

He popped the button on her jeans with his hand, she gasping at his sudden movement. His mouth was just barely above hers, closing in on it as he spoke, hand rubbing against her through her jeans, the coy smile playing on his lips as her breathing became ragged. "Truth is, Audrina," he said softly, nipping at her top lip as she cried out, squirming against his touch, "I've wanted you since day one and haven't stopped."

He buried his face into her neck, gently nipping at her skin, licking and sucking at the sweet spot on her neck. His fingers gripped the zipper of her jeans, sliding it down slowly and spreading the two flaps open with his fingers. Retreating from her jeans, his hand slid up her stomach, disappearing underneath her t-shirt and cupping her breasts through the lace of her bra, her head dropping back against the wall as she bit her lip, trying to surpress the moan in the back of her throat. "Jace ..."

He pulled his mouth from her neck, meeting her gaze. His eyes were dark, clouded over and the smirk on his face only brought a slight laugh from her. Had she not just been sobbing on the couch moments before? "God, you feel so damn good," he mumbled, licking his lips as he bent his head down, capturing her mouth and kissing her deeply, passionately. His hand retreated, he pushing his body against hers once more as his hand trailed along the elastic of her panties, he gasping against her mouth as her own hand found him through his jeans. "Lose the jeans," he mumbled against her mouth as she obliged, pushed them away from her hips and letting them pool at her feet, he lifting her up and away from them, nearly ripping her panties away and groaning deeply, hand cupping her. "You're so wet, baby," he murmured, she nodding against him, "for me?"

She cried out as his finger slid between her folds, plunging deep inside her and twisting slowly, curling and stroking her from inside. "Oh, God," she breathed, chest heaving, "only for you. God, just for you ..."

He pumped roughly, her moans driving his pumping faster and grabbing her leg and propping it on his hip. "Rina," he mumbled, forehead against hers, "Rina, look at me." He waited as her eyes fluttered open, the intense green gazing into his blue. "I lo -"

"JC, you in there?"

They froze, both heads both turning towards the door as she dropped her leg from his hip, pulling her panties back up and frantically grabbing her jeans. What had she just done? Was she that stupid? "Jace -"

He shot her a look to quiet her, Lucy giving up and walking away from the door, he peeking out and seeing no sign of her. "That was close -"

"We can't do this, JC," she said finally, tears brimming her eyes again, "what the hell did we just do?"

He kneaded his bulge, trying to relieve himself as he shifted from foot to foot. What had they just done? "I do believe we just proved how stupid we've been," he said, smirking, "how stupid I've been."

"We can't be doing this, JC," she cried out, jeans still hanging off of her hips as she began to cry again. "I can't do this, I can't keep coming back to you when I know it will end in disaster! Why do I keep doing this to myself?!"

"Ssh, Rina," he stepped to her, hugging her briefly before she pushed away, "Rina -"

"Get out, JC," she said softly, voice pained. She covered her eyes as she cried, willing herself not to look at him.

"Rina, I'm not going to walk away from this again," he said softly, voice trembling. He was going to break. He was breaking. "I'm not leaving without you coming with me."

"You have Lucy," she hissed, waving him away. "You already moved on."

"I was trying to get over you," he said desperately, her tears flipping the switch in his emotions. "I needed to forget everything about you; everything that I had fallen in love with! I didn't think you loved me anymore and I couldn't take it so I went out and I found the worst answer to my problem! When I should have came to you -"

"Get out, JC," she mumbled, turning away as she bent down, picking up her bag. "Get out!"

"I love you, Audrina," he said, desperate, "I can't be with anyone but you ..."

"Yeah, you know, I used to think the same thing about you," she said, scoffing at the thought, "but things just keep getting in the way or walking away and I realized that you and me, we're not meant to be. Kind of like that song, huh?"

"I want you!"

"And I want you to leave," she snapped. He saw the anger etched in the lines in her face, but he saw the sadness in her eyes. "Just get out and forget about me. Get out and forget you and I ever existed."

"Fine," he said, holding his hands up in defeat, "but it's gonna be damn hard when for the last eight years, life ceased to exist without you in it." He pulled open the door, turning to look at her, "I don't know how you did it, but you got me, Audrina; you are the only woman I have ever thought to change my life for, to change my life to better satisfy her."

"Yeah, well, I guess it's too late, isn't it?"

He scoffed. "Yeah, I guess it is." He slipped out, slamming the door behind him and stalking down the hallway towards his dressing room, taking a detour to the employee bathroom and locking it behind him. He stared at himself in the mirror, devestated at the ending, angry at himself for night fighting for it. But she was right. It was his mistake, yet he was making her pay for it every time she looked at Lucy.

Lucy. The woman he would not leave him alone and probably would not understand the meaning of 'I'm breaking up with you' without threatening bodily harm to him or herself.

He let out an exhausted sob, letting the tears fall as he stared down at his shaking hands. He was going to fix this. Somehow.

"Baybeeee!"

Audrina cringed at the high-pitched squeal that Lucy had just let out as she fell into the pool, lifting her eyes from the Ok! Magazine she had been reading. Normally, media-inspired magazines weren't her deal, but there was an article about Audrina, the tour and the sudden 'turmoil' that had boiled within the last three weeks of it. Three weeks. It had been three weeks since the little tryst in the dressing room, three weeks since JC had even attempted to speak to her, and three weeks since Lucy basically blackmailed JC into being her boyfriend.

At least, that was how Aubrey put it.

The woman was beautiful, she'd give her that. With all the beauty always came a negative aspect, and the lack of brains was it. She was brunette, stood about 5'8", maybe 5'9", legs longer than Audrina's entire body and breasts that screamed 'fake' from miles away. It made her jealous when she saw JC's hand snake to her waist as she stood out of the pool, he wrapping a fleece towel around her and running his hands down the towel to help her dry, he still smiling widely. She opened the towel to welcome a hug from him, she squealing once more when attempted to nibble on her shoulder.

"Baby, stop!"

She rolled her eyes, pushing her sunglasses back up onto her nose and looking back down at the magazine. They made her sick. She made her sick.

"Sources say that the former flames have been battling it out since the beginning of the tour, the heat only rising within the last three weeks after another argument brought on the silent treatment. Just a week before, Chasez was over heard telling her to not walk away from him, her response only snapping, 'you taught me how'. That one line triggered another rumor that the break-up wasn't as 'mutual' as both parties have claimed it to be, Chasez actually leaving Littrell only months after their six-year anniversary."

"Another source claims that the silent treatment was stemmed between tension between the stars after their feelings for each other came out once more, both too stubborn to accept a reasonable answer. Littrell wants to be with him, but is afraid of his dismissive nature; Chasez loves her but is afraid he'd only hurt her again."

She looked over at Aundrea, who, as promised, stayed with her the rest of the tour (there were only four more weeks left before vacation and then rehearsal for the overseas tour) and was now sleeping with her sunglasses propped on the top of her head, lying on her stomach with her head facing her. Aubrey had left to be with her boyfriend, and ever since Lucy decided it'd be best to stay with JC to 'keep an eye on any girls'.

Tossing her magazine down, she got up, adjusting her bikini bottoms. It was very warm for late May, the heat at about 89. The entire crew had decided to take over the hotel pool, and for the last hour, is where they had been. She wasn't one to lie and tan, too antsy for that kind of process, instead opting to get into the water and keep her mind off of the article, off of the squealer and off of the eyes that were now settled on her as she lowered herself into the cool water, instantly feeling her body react to the temperature change as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Girl, you're crazy! That water is probably freezing!"

She chuckled, turning to look at Aundrea as she adjusted her bikini top, getting up and shielding her eyes as she watched her friend. She stood above her, the shadow blocking the sun as she stared up at her. "It's probably mid 70's in here, Drea. Not cold!"

"Whatever." She sat down, putting her toes in and cringing, Audrina laughing at her dramatic friend. "You lied! It's like, 30!"

"Oh, get over it," she laughed, reaching forward and grabbing her hand, tugging her with enough force to send her into the water. She retreated quickly, dodging the flailing arms as she swam to the opposite end. She cried out as she felt two arms push down on her shoulders, swallowing a good big of chlorine. When she came up, Aundrea was grinning triumphantly and Max, her publicist, was sitting on the edge of the pool with a knowing grin on his face. "I," she managed to spit out as she laughed, "hate you."

"Hate is such a strong word, darling," he grinned, getting up before she could grab at a limb to pull him in, "you've gotta be at an interview in two hours. Johnny scheduled it and I, unfortunately, just found out about it so we need to get you showered and ready to leave in 45 minutes."

"You should have been here an hour ago if you expect her to be showered and ready to leave then," Aundrea grinned, dodging the water that her friend splashed. "I'm only speaking the truth!"

"The truth should be quiet!" Audrina got up, wringing out her hair and looking across the pool. She was still breathing heavy from catching her breath, and the crystal blue gaze that burned into her eyes only made it more difficult for her to catch her breath.

He was standing there, absently talking to Lucy as she rummaged through a bag. His chest rose and fell almost in the same manner as hers, hand gripping his towel as he ran it through his hair to dry it. Her stomach turned, feeling Aundrea now tugging on her hand to pull her away from the side of the pool and back into the hotel. A sad smile stretched across his face, he raising a hand slightly to wave.

Was this what they were?

She sighed, turning and following Aundrea back inside. Things seemed less complicated when the tour first started compared to now.

"And then I told her, so what? Just because your man is studying to be a doctor means nothing! My man already claimed his career and is making more money in a year than her man will in his life!" Lucy turned to look at him, hand on her hip as he stared blankly away from her. "JC?"

He jumped at her voice, turning to look at her. "Hmm?"

"Did you hear anything I said?"

He cringed. "Money."

"What about it?"

He sighed deeply, bending down and picking up his sandals. What was it ever about? Money. Money this and money that. 'My baby makes more money than you can even fathom!' 'My baby has so much money!' It took all the strength he had to not roll his eyes. "How much money I make?"

She grinned. "I knew you were listening."

"I always am."

She huffed out when she couldn't find her wallet, it buried in her purse somewhere. "I need to go shower. This heat is doing nothing for this hair."

Wordlessly, he followed her like a lost puppy, the entire walk to the hotel room quiet. She clung to his hand when the fans were spotted in the lobby, touched him when she knew people were watching, but as soon as the elevator doors shut, she turned off her 'charm'. "Ugh, you're so hot and sticky," she groaned and she wiped at her skin, pursing her lips as she studied him up and down, "maybe you should take the shower first. You're disgusting."

He huffed out slightly, staring at the numbers ascending towards their floor. Audrina's floor. "Whatever."

"What's the matter with you? I was just stating the obvious."

He turned to look at her as the doors slowly slid open, shaking his head. "Nothing, I'm perfect." He pushed away from the wall, walking quickly to the hotel room and sliding the card in, the cool air of the room hitting his face as he peeled his shirt off, walking into the bathroom and slamming the door shut. Privacy. Alone time. That's all he wanted. He was already sick of Lucy, and he was already sick of the little game of life he was playing. He stopped mid-step and turned, locking the bathroom door so that Lucy could not 'join' him in a shower, he not wanting to deal with her greediness and though sometimes it was welcomed, roughness.

Turning the water on, he set it to the proper temperature and slowly began to peel his clothes off, catching his reflection in the mirror. Suddenly, he didn't recognize the man staring back at him. Suddenly, he had aged well beyond his years and the eyes that he he always looked back at were unfamiliar. Tour was killing him; more so, Audrina being on tour with him was the culprit. He didn't know what he was going to feel like at the end of the promotional tour, but God, if it was anything like what he was looking at now, he didn't want to know.

Stepping into the stream of hot, nearly scalding water, he let his head drop down, chin to chest. Hand supporting his weight against the wall, the water slid down his back and off of his body to the lineoleum of the tub, washing away the smell of chlorine and sweat. Unfortunately for him, against his wishes, his thoughts, his sudden aging and his regret did not follow and disappear down the drain. He was left still feeling heavy, still feeling remorse.

He let his thoughts go; let them wander as he slid down to sit underneath the stream. Shut his eyes and leaned his head back, thinking long and hard about everything his life had been, could have been, and came to. He had a good life. An amazing one for six years. After that, life just seemed mundane, unfortunate. Music still made him happy, but it brought back memories that didn't make him feel that way. It was a bittersweet story to him anymore. Bittersweet and so very heartbreaking.

He met her in 2000. Shortly after 'No Strings Attached' had been released and shortly after the court had ruled in their favor against their former boss. Brian was the business man of the Backstreet Boys, he and Lance more so of their group and in a brief meeting him, he came into contact with a beautiful girl, a few years younger than him, with the biggest, brightest green eyes he had ever seen. Her hair at the time was shorter, a choppy shoulder-length cut that she had pulled up into a messy ponytail, dressed in running shorts and a tank top a few sizes too big for her with 'Kentucky Wildcats' etched on the chest.

For him, it was love at first sight. For her, she didn't even remember meeting him up until a few months later when he and AJ McLean began working on his solo effort, though it never really took off until the present, especially with his stint in rehab and struggle to stay sober kept him from multi-tasking as he had been doing before. She came in with Brian, and it took all but a minute to realize that she, she was Audrina Littrell, the girl that had begun her recording and training for her debut album; she was Brian's baby sister that he talked about so much.

They were inseperable shortly after. It almost became borderline obsessive for him, she on his mind nearly 24/7. They were the couple everyone hated, but loved. They never fought, and when they did, the ending results were very much in their favor. He respected her belief in not sleeping with someone until she was in love, and though he knew she loved him from the start, a year and a half into they being together, they finally did and even him, the man, was moved by it. It was beautiful and he didn't know why they had waited that long to do something the two of them were made to do together. Though, he like the perks of being with her every day, too. She completed his other half, she kept him grounded.

And then she got sick. It was four years into the relationship and she suddenly was having a hard time doing the simple things. He remembered walking behind her on a short flight of steps and she actually began wheezing, believing she was getting a bad chest cold and shrugging it off. She was a big eater, but it never showed. Suddenly, she was having to buy new jeans, new tops. Her hips were fuller, her belly began to soften, and her breasts (though he wasn't complaining) had swelled. She was gaining weight as if she were retaining water in those areas, and suddenly, pregnancy rumors began to swirl around. So much, that he even believed that maybe, she was.

She put it off until the end of her tour. Put off her health to ensure that all her fans left happy, that they were satisfied, even though, every night for the last month, she was leaving the stage and nearly collapsing into his waiting arms from being so out of breath, it difficult to catch her breath. Days later, he remembered as if it were yesterday, they were in the doctor's office. He remembered the doctor's eyes widening when she told him the problems, the sudden symptoms; remembered being so scared when he immediately called for an ECHO, called for her to put on the paper gown and gave her an immediate verdict (though, the next day, they had to go back to a cardiologist for more tests).

He remembered never feeling so scared in his entire life. Was he going to lose her? Was she suddenly just going to be vacant from his life? For two years, it riddled his brain until he couldn't take it anymore and he left. He left saying that he knew she wanted to marry, that he didn't; that was a lie. He did want to marry her, but yes, the timing wasn't right because he was still so scared of it. But his major point was that if he married her, would they get to grow old together? Would he end up a widower before he became a father? A widower before his children understood the fact that mommy was sick? He made himself sick thinking of the days when they lie in bed and he'd wake up, expecting to see her dying next to him, or even worse, dead. He couldn't grasp that, he couldn't handle the risk of losing her when he had her. If he was going to lose her, it was going to be because of his decision, not fate, not God. Not her heart, either.

And he left. He broke her already bad heart. It killed him so much, to know that he had to see her daily (he was still working with AJ and she was also writing with him) following the break-up. But she slowly stopped coming around, AJ telling him that she didn't want to be around, didn't want to see him. And then in 2007, he found out she was making a comeback. Suddenly, his heart ached for her again. It always pined for her, always got that familiar pang when he heard her name mentioned on the radio about the unmentionables, the ones that actually made the music industry musical again. He had to be a part of it, had to be a part of her life again, even if it was the last thing he did.

He loved her. God, did he love her. It wasn't different from the beginning, and it hurt. It was the hollow pain that was hard to find at the source, hard to understand, but it was there. It was there and it was banging hard on him. It made him hurt that he knew she hadn't moved on yet, that she would eventually and it wouldn't be moving on with him, but with someone not him. It made him hurt that it was his own damn fault they were in the predicament that they were in the first place.

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, imagining her touch once more. Soft skin, but sure hands. She knew what she wanted, always. But now, it didn't seem like she did. She used to smell of apples, strawberries ... now, it's perfumes. Deep, rich perfumes that caught attention with a gentle breeze as she walked by; not like the subtle smell of fresh fruit. He wasn't complaining, because either smell got to him, but this wasn't her. She hadn't been herself for a long time. He hadn't been himself for a long time.

And he was damn sick of it.

"JC, are you almost done in there? I'm going to permanently stick of this stupid chlorine if you don't hurry your ass up! I swear, you're like a girl!"

He jumped at the voice behind the door, reaching for shampoo and hurriedly running it through his hair, washing it out and quickly lathering up his body. He needed to leave this hotel, he needed away from Lucy. He needed away from his thoughts -

He stopped. No. The last time he ran away from his thoughts, he ended up with Lucy.

Okay, so she needed to be gone.

He pulled the curtain open, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his body, not caring that he was soaking wet and trailing water from the shower to the door, swinging it open and seeing her shocked expression melt into an expectant one with a slow smile spreading on her face as she thought of why he was suddenly there.

"If you wanted me so bad, you could have just let me shower with you," she chuckled, her hand reaching for the towel as he grasped her wrist, pulling it away as she looked on, puzzled. "JC -"

"Get out, Lucy," he said softly, not feeling anything as the words tumbled out. "Take your things and leave."

"What? Why? Where am I supposed to go?!"

"What? I said, leave. Why? Because I said, leave. Where? I don't care. Maybe a placed called 'home'?" He looked at her, dumbfounded. "It's over between us, Lucy; I can't deal with you, with this anymore. So please take your stuff and leave my room before I call security."

"You can't kick me out -"

"No?" He turned, walking down to the door and opening it. "Tim? Can you come here for a minute?"

"Fine," she snapped. "I'll go. But I know why you want me to leave: it's because of that girl, isn't it? That stupid little ugly whore Audrina. The girl you can't even get because she's such an uptight prude."

"Such a hypocrite," he chuckled, shaking his head as Tim poked his head in, "take Miss Griffin's things out, please. Or, better yet, take her." He watched as Tim came in, ushering her around as she grabbed her things, looking at him and rolling her eyes as she walked past, reaching for the door. "Oh, and Luce?"

She turned, looking at him with an unreadable expression. "What?"

"It is because of that girl. That girl who has more class, more consideration than you ever will. She took my heart a long time ago and you thinking that you can take my money just makes me think that you're the ugly one."

She gasped, Tim chuckling as he pushed her by the small of her back out the door and nodding his head at JC. "She's gonna be back soon, Jace. You want me to send her down when she finishes up the interview?"

"What for?"

Tim laughed. "To tell her you love her." He gave him a 'duh' look, JC shaking his head as he raised an eyebrow. "Then, what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to get rid of that garbage and then take the rest of the day off," he said, waving Tim off with a smile. "This, this mess, I've gotta clean up myself." He sat down, leaning back up against the bedframe as he closed his eyes, hearing the door click shut. Suddenly, he was at peace. Suddenly, he didn't feel as if he were walking on egg shells. He knew it was because Lucy was gone, but it was also now because he had the freedom to do what he pleased. He could make a repeat of the rendez-vous in the dressing room, take it further, make her know just how much he needed her, how much he loved her and had never stopped; yes, he would do that. He would kiss her until she grew weak, until he couldn't breathe; make love to her like he had wanted so many times but couldn't. He'd reclaim her body, her soul as his own once more and never, ever let her go. He'd face his demons, he'd face his fears with her. She was it for him and he knew it, she knew it. He just had to make sure she remembered it.

He awoke some time later, the moon's eerie glow casting into the hotel room as he rolled over to look at the clock. He had fallen asleep still in the towel, had fallen asleep while making plans, resolutions, revelations. It was nearing midnight as he got up, stretching dramatically and reaching for a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt, hair sloppy from being wet and not brushed, but he didn't care. He was there to get her back, not there to get made-up for a photoshoot of some sort.

He walked out with every sense of confidence that he had as he breezed through his door, his heart pounding as he closed in with every step he took. He was going to do this. He was going to knock on the door, grab her when she opened it and kiss her. No, he was going to tell her he was stupid to let her go and that he loved her. That he loved her and wanted to marry her and he didn't care who knew. He'd make up those two years to her, doing whatever she pleased. And if she looked somewhat hesitant, then he'd grab her. He'd grab her and -

He stopped, eyes widening as he turned the corner of the hall. His heart fell to the floor, stomach rose to his throat and his head began to feel dizzy, like it was spinning on an orbit on his neck. No. No, this couldn't be happening.

She stood there, back to him with her arms wrapped around a man's neck. She was kissing him. What the hell had happened? What had happened to the 'not moving on' thing? How had he missed this?

He swallowed hard, turning on his heel and hurrying back to his room. He felt nauseous. Opening his door quickly and slamming it shut just for effect even though it fell closed itself, he let out an aggravated cry, walking to his bed and sitting down. He had been clinging to that false hope that maybe it would work out for the better that he hadn't let himself think about what would happen if she didn't want to take him back. Now, he felt like he was sinking into a black hole and there was no way to stop it. He was clawing to get to the top, but he was sliding, falling into the never-ending pit. The lump of bile formed in his throat as he swallowed roughly, it burning as it went back down, tears filling his eyes as he shook his head in disbelief. He was going to cry over this. He was going to the baby after all and cry.

A knock on the door startled him, he getting up and scrambling, not bothering to look through the peep hole in hopes that it was Audrina, saying it was a joke that she was pulling, just to get a rise out of him, or to do what he had planned to do with her. Hell, he didn't need the words, he just needed to feel her again, to be able to hold her and taste her lips ...

The frown on his face became even deeper when he realized it wasn't who he was waiting for. "Oh."

"Don't sound so happy to see me, Jace," Aundrea smirked as she stepped in, cocking her head to the side in confusion as she watched him walk away without so much as a hello or close the door behind her, "you all right?"

"I feel like my chest is going to blow up," he mumbled as he sat down, putting his face in his hands. "I feel like my heart just climbed out of my mouth and disappeared somewhere."

"That's attractive," she said, smirking, though stopping as she caught sight of his face as he gave her a glare, seeing the tears in his eyes, the paleness in his skin. "Jace, you okay? What happened?"

"Nothing," he mumbled. "That's what's wrong. Nothing happened."

She walked towards him, sitting down and putting a hand on his knee comfortingly. "Tell Mama Drea what's going on."

He rolled his eyes, sniffling as he shook his head. "I said it was nothing ..."

"Seriously, do you think I'm going to buy that," she asked, laughing in disbelief. "It has to do with Drina. Talk to me, Chasez."

"I did a lot of thinking today when I was in the shower and after," he said softly, she biting back a remark as he stared at his fingers, picking at the cuticles, "thought about what my life was, what it is and what it could have been. Got really scared of my choices and I got angry at myself."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "and then I told Lucy to get her things and leave. That I wanted her to go away."

"Good boy," Aundrea smiled, patting his leg gently. "So what's her leaving have to do with -"

"I told her to leave because the only woman I've ever had eyes for for the last eight years was Audrina," he said, raking his hand through his hair as he got up. "I realized I'm in love with her, it's never going to go away and she's it for me. It took two years to realize how stupid I was to let her go, but I know I did something horrible and I owned up to it in my mind. So, I was going to go tell her that; tell her how I felt, tell her how sorry I was for being an inconsiderate asshole and let her know exactly what I felt for her ..."

"And she turned you down." Aundrea's face was quiet. Did she not know what Audrina had been doing? Hell, he wished he didn't know, because then, maybe he wouldn't feel so sick to his stomach. "No? That look on your face tells me that's not it at all ..."

"She moved on," he said softly, putting his head to the wall once more. He shook his head and let the coolness of the plaster ease the heat on his face from holding tears and letting some fall, a few more sliding down his cheeks as he pulled away to look at her best friend once more, "I turned the corner to get to her room and saw her kissing another guy."

"She what?!" Aundrea got up, crossing the room and looking at him sadly, "I'm sorry, Jace, I really am. I left mid-way through the interview and caught up with some friends who lived here and didn't even know she had met someone. But you did the same thing to her, to be fair."

"I know," he frowned. "And I deserve it. Who am I to think that she was going to wait around forever for me? Because she wasn't, she didn't deserve that."

"You're right, she didn't," Aundrea nodded, crossing her arms and sighing deeply, "but, up until minutes ago, she was. She would have waited until after death to get you back. She put off meeting a man, getting married, having tons of babies and being content because she believed that you were the one she was supposed to have that life with. The one she actually got to have her happily ever after with. You made her believe that that existed. And then Lucy came along ..."

"Lucy was just some ... thing to keep my mind off of her," he mumbled. "And that obviously didn't work well at all."

"No," she shook her head, turning her head to look at the door, "but maybe, maybe that guy is her Lucy."

"Meaning ..."

"Her way of not having you on her mind 24/7," she concluded, a grin breaking out on her face, "that's it!"

"That's not it," he said, shaking his head, "that's not her."

"She hasn't been her since the tour started, JC," Aundrea corrected, "she hasn't been the same since you kissed her that night."

He reddened. "She told you about that?"

Aundrea nodded, giving him a cocky smile, "she told us about everything."

"... Us?"

"Aubrey and I."

He shook his head. "I swear, you Au's are gonna drive me crazy."

"No, not Aubrey and I, just Audrina," she replied, sitting down on his bed and patting the spot next to her. "Come on, watch a movie with me. I'll stay here with you if you want."

"She won't be expecting you?"

"Aubrey came back an hour ago, thus why I came back so she'd have someone to talk to until Audrina came back. Aubrey can keep Rina company."

"She won't hate you for staying here?"

"I'm her best friend, no."

He sighed, sitting down and look at her, "No, it's okay. You can go."

"Jace, I can stay -"

He shook his head. "I just want to go to sleep, Drea. It's okay, really. I learned my lesson, I've gotta get over it and hope that maybe, you're right; maybe she is doing what I did to her just so I can see how it feels. But for now, I need to sleep because I have to be up in five and a half hours to go practice and then hit the studio to lay down a track for the new album. And then, of course, the show. I need to get relaxed, motivated and sleep. So you can go. Really. I'm fine."

Aundrea got up, leaning over and hugging him. "If you're sure ..."

"Yes, I'm sure, mom," he chuckled. "Now leave before I call Tim on your hispanic ass. I already called it on Lucy's trampy one."

Aundrea laughed. "Good night, Chasez."

"G'night, Fimbres," he said, saluting her as she rolled her eyes, closing the door behind her. He reached forward, turning off the bedside lamp and let the eerie glow of the moon illuminate the room as he laid back, heels of his hands into his eyes as he began to cry.

"All right, woman," Aundrea said as she closed the door behind her, startling Aubrey and Audrina as Aubrey painted Audrina's toe nails, "you have some explaining to do."

"Who?" Aubrey looked at Drea, eyebrow raised. "Who does?"

"Not you, dum-dum. Drina."

"Me?! Why me?!" Audrina got up, toes separated by the foam divider. "What the hell did I do?!"

Aundrea smirked, shaking her head and leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. "You know, I don't understand you when it comes to matters of the heart at all. You're in love with JC, but you go and kiss some other guy?"

Audrina looked at her, confused. "What are you talking about?"

It was silent in the room as Aundrea looked at her friend, disbelief etched all over as Aubrey sat on the bed, eyes going from friend to friend, trying to read their faces to get a clue as to what was going on. Audrina snapped her gum, cringing when it made a loud click that echoed in the room.

Finally, Drea spoke. "You mean, you have no idea what I'm talking about right now?"

Audrina shook her head. "I have absolutely no clue."

"JC came to talk to you tonight," Aundrea said matter-of-factly, arms crossing underneath her chest as she studied her friend face, looking for a sign of realization. There was none, at least, that she was showing. "Walked into your part of the hallway while you were playing a game of tonsil hockey with some man -"

"Tonsil hockey? Muff, that's like, junior high slang that -" Aubrey stopped, seeing the look Drea gave her. "I mean, Audrina! You were kissing someone?! Who?!"

Audrina swallowed. She had been busted. "Oh, that."

"You kissed someone that wasn't him?" Aubrey got up, eyes wide. "Audrina, who was he?!"

"It's not a big deal, guys," she said softly, looking at them. "It really wasn't and I -" She stopped, looking at Drea expectantly. "He came to see me?"

"Yes!" She threw her hands up in exasperation, grabbing her friend's arm and sitting her down on the bed. "But who were you kissing?"

"I didn't mean to kiss him, it was a mistake -"

"What, you just slipped and hit his mouth with your lips?"

She turned to look at Aubrey, she chuckling as Aundrea grinned from in front of her. "No. I went to hug him and he kissed me. As quick as it started, I ended it. I just, I couldn't -" She stopped, defeated and sighing loudly. "I just couldn't -"

"You couldn't what? Spit it out already, woman!"

Audrina inhaled slowly, eyes fluttering closed as the face with blue eyes and dark hair graced her eyelids like a movie, tears burning as she opened them, meeting her two friends' curious gazes, "I couldn't start something with someone else when I didn't know if the other is finished."

"I knew it," Aundrea whispered as Audrina just looked down at her hands, toying with the eternity band her brother had given her, the symbolism of how the two of them would never be too far away from each other if the other needed them, that they'd be around for each other forever. Or as long as life would let them.

She wanted her brother.

"Okay!" Aubrey clapped her hands together, startling Audrina and bringing Aundrea's gaze to her. "Okay, so let's ... let's fix this. Let's continue on with this damn fairytale that abruptly was put on pause with a stupid drama. Let's get his ass in here and straighten this shit out. Let's get his fucking mind sent straight and get these two back to fuck -"

"Bree, stop," Aundrea laughed slightly, hand going to her friend's mouth and silencing her, "as much as we all want to put these two together ourselves, it's not going to happen that way. It has to happen on their terms, otherwise, it's just ... it's not going to work. They're too much of a pain in the ass to each other to have it work any other way."

"Then damnit, go talk to him!"

"No can do," Aundrea said, shaking her head, "he's already sleeping -"

"Then go wake his ass up!"

"It'd probably be best to let him blow off the steam he has -"

"Guys, stop," Audrina stopped them, getting up and pulling her clothes off of her body, pulling her tank top and pajama pants on. "I can't deal with this right now, all right? I just, I can't." She turned to look at them, sympathetic gazes burning straight to her heart. "And I can't take it when you look at me like that."

"Like what?" Aubrey looked at her, head cocked to the side as she hugged a pillow to her chest, confused. "I always look at you like this."

"No, no, you don't," Audrina said, shaking her head, "you don't look at me as if you feel sorry for me. You don't look at me like you see a child in dire need of a bandaid. Look at me like your friend. Your friend who had her life in check and suddenly, it isn't. Look at me like you support me, and that's ... that's it."

"I'm gonna always support you, Drine -"

"Okay," she said softly, reaching for her Blackberry and tucking it into the waistband of her pants. "I'm going for a walk."

"Drine -"

"I'm all right, Drea," she said softly, reaching for the door and not once looking at her friends again, their gazes hurt too much. Their gazes said everything she was afraid to say to herself, "I just need to be alone right now."

She walked down the hall, biting her lip as she approaching his door, hand slowly raising and resting against the wood, afraid to knock. She was afraid to face him now, afraid to even look at the man she had loved to look at for all those years. Suddenly, being in his presence scared her; suddenly, his opinion meant more to her than her fame, her music, even her overcoming her disease. He meant way too much to her for her to ruin what they had.

Her hand dropped, vibrating of her phone startling her as she looked at the door once last time before she stepped away, walking down the hallway and out of earshot of his room. Pulling the phone out, she saw her brother's name on the ID and lifted it to her ear, surprised. "Brian?"

"Hey, baby sister," he said softly, the tired, yet cheery tone bringing tears to her eyes. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," she lied, ducking into the corner of the hall where the ice machine was and leaning up against the wall, sliding down to a sitting position as she put her forehead to her knees, "just tired, is all."

"Then ... why did I get a phone call by two concerned friends at nearly one in the morning?"

"That," she said, pausing to keep a sob at bay, "I do not know."

"Don't lie to me, Drine," Brian said, voice still soft, yet she knew it was a warning, "I know you have something going on in that head of yours, otherwise you wouldn't have just up and left your room at this time of night to 'walk'. Aubrey and Drea wouldn't have called either, if there wasn't a problem."

"Someone kissed me tonight," she said, he quiet on the other line, "and I couldn't ... I couldn't do it. Not while he was here, not when my mind isn't on the right mindset and not ever ..."

"Because ..."

"Because I don't want to kiss anyone else," she concluded, breath shaky as she held sobs back, "because I don't want to close the book on he and I. Because I'm too afraid to even go back to re-read what we had because I'm afraid it has ended and I just missed that part of the story ..."

"Then," Brian chuckled, "go back to the co-author and see what he concluded the story with."

"I can't."

"Drina -"

"He saw us kissing, Brian. He already knows I was kissing someone else."

"So?"

"So? The one man I am in love with saw me kissing someone else. Does that not write a very bad story to you?"

"You need to stop comparing your life to a story, Drina."

"You're right," she mumbled, "my life isn't a story, it's a damn soap opera!" She gripped her hair at it's roots tugging gently to try and calm herself down. "Why does all this bad shit happened to me, Brian, huh? Why can I never get my life to stay on track for even a week?"

"Because ... having a platinum album and a sold-out promotional tour is the only thing you're allowed to have?"

"I'm serious, Brian," she mumbled, rubbing roughly at her eyes, make-up smearing on her skin, "I get a best selling album and then you get sick. I sell my second album better than my first and you have to get yet another heart surgery. I sell my third album and I get sick. I go on a hiatus and get pretty much back to health and JC runs. Now, it's all just falling apart. Not just one thing, but everything!"

"Audrina, you need to calm yourself down and face this as the adult I know you are," Brian coached, "get off of your butt, grow some manly parts and just say what you feel to him. We've seen the way the two of you look at each other. It's not over, Audrina. It never will be over. There's too much history, too much strength between the two of you for it to end. Just, suck up what pride you have left and go to him. I don't care if he's not there, you find him; I don't care if he's in the shower, you rip open that curtain and spill your heart out ... just not anything else; I don't care if he's sleeping, you wake him up and you say what you need to say. He's a good guy, Drina. A really good guy. He's not just gonna shut the door on you without letting you talk."

"I'll try."

"No, you'll do." Brian was quiet for a moment, Audrina thinking he had hung up, "I know you can do this. This is your future you are dealing with, love. This isn't a song that you can't figure out if you want on the album or not. This is life. Love. The man you love that you want to have a life with. Just, do it."

"Okay."

"I'll call you tomorrow."

She hung up the phone, gathering her nerves up as she wiped the tears away from her eyes as they still fell. He was right, regardless of her wanting him to be, he was. She needed to face him, get it all out in the open just so he knew. After that, it was his move ... yet again.

She walked quickly, reaching his door quickly and inhaling a shaky breath. Raising her fist to the heavy door, she knocked lightly, glancing down and seeing no lights on. He was asleep.

"I don't care if he's sleeping, you wake him up and say what you need to say ..."

Right. Stay on the right track. She shifted from foot to foot, biting her lip and staring at the numbers on his hotel suite's door. 507. 507. 507. She knocked again. 507. Fifty oh seven. Five zero seven. Five oh sev -

"Audrina?"

She jumped, blank stare from her face washed away as she stared at the groggy man standing in front of her, clothes wrinkled, eyes red. Had he been cry - no. He wasn't like that. "J-Jace, I need to talk to you."

He stood there, hand scratching the back of his head for a moment as he took in her form, it probably a mess in his eyes, though she wasn't disagreeing with him. But he had seen her at her worst, and this ... this may be close. "Okay," he said softly, voice raspy as he opened the door wider to grant her entrance, "come in."

She hesitantly stepped forward, following him in and shutting the door behind her, standing in the foyer as he crossed the room into the living room, sitting down on the couch and eyeing her expectantly, she stumbling forward and standing across the room from him. "I'm sorry if I woke you, I -"

"What did you want, Drina?"

She cringed, he sitting with his arms resting on his thighs, arms dangling between his legs. "I just, I -"

"I was sleeping, you know. And we do have about eight hours of soundcheck and then a show to put on, so come on, out with it."

"All right, I -" she stopped, looking away and taking a breath, "Aundrea said that you saw me tonight."

"And?"

"And I was kissing someone."

"Well, what does that have to do with us having to talk?"

"Why are you being so cold?" She looked at him, hurt. She had come to explain herself and he was being a smartass about it. "I came here to tell you that what I had done was a mistake and -"

"What you do is none of my business," he said, holding his hands up, "it hasn't been my business for two years, why should it be now, right? I think you made that perfectly clear."

"Huh?"

"You lead me on, making me think that you still care about me, and then you go and just get up on some guy? Yeah, you really don't care."

"What?! I never -"

"I thought that I was the bad guy in this. The bad guy who left you and broke your heart, but I guess the roles reversed."

"How the hell did I break your hear -"

"I shouldn't have even answered the door."

"Would just just let me fucking speak?!"

He stopped, lifting his head to meet her gaze, wide-eyed. "Fine."

"He kissed me. I felt nothing and I pulled away because I didn't want to be kissing anybody that wasn't you. I've been in love with you since the moment we started dating and I haven't stopped. It's never going to be anyone else in this world except for you, okay? There isn't anyone else I want to be with than you. There isn't anyone out there for me but you. Kissing him felt wrong and I felt like I was cheating on you even though we aren't togther and I - I just couldn't do it. He was this sweet, amazing guy ... but he wasn't you!"

"I'm nearly thirty two, Audrina. Stop feeding me horseshit."

She stepped back, it a blow to her stomach. "Excuse me?" Tears threatened to fall down her face again as his tired, aggravated eyes met hers once more. "What are you talking about? This isn't ... horseshit, I'm telling you the truth."

"Well, the truth ... set me free."

"I don't understand, I -"

"I can't do this anymore, Audrina," he said softly, "I can't ... I can't be in this hot and cold thing with you. I care about you. I care about you so much that I'd do anything to make sure you were okay, but I can't just let you be feeling one thing one moment and want nothing to do with me the next. It's not right for either of us. I think, that some part of me is going to love you, and that part of me died when I saw you kissing him, but the other part of me knew that this was going to happen sooner or later and you witnessed it happening to me. We're moving on, and we need to do that. That's why I left a voicemail for Johnny to bring in a replacement for the remainder of the tour or to just let you do it yourself. You don't need me, you never did. Musically or emotionally."

She choked back a sob, hands gripping her chest as she looked at him. "I never needed you? God, JC, if there ever was a time I never needed you then I don't know where I'd be right now! I love you, okay?! You're the only person who makes sense to me, even when what we have doesn't. I. Love. You. I love you! There isn't anyone else that I think I could ever love because they won't ... they can't be you! They aren't you! I tried so hard to move on from this, but I can't. I can't, unless you move on with me."

"I am moving on with you," he said, her stomach flipping as she saw the tears form in his eyes, "just not the same direction."

"Jace -"

"Audrina, I don't deserve you, okay? You wanted a life together, and okay, I could give you that - but I couldn't give you the marriage, the babies that you wanted. You wanted me to love you, and I did. God, I loved you. You're the first woman to make me cry, to make me realize that this world is a good place when you have someone beside you. But it all had to end sooner or later, right? You wanted what any woman wanted and I couldn't give it to you. I wasn't ready for it and I don't think I'll ever be ready for it -"

"Then give me the life you want because I'd give up mine to be with you ..."

He swallowed the lump in his throat, knowing the two were lying to each other point blank. He was willing to give it to her now, and he knew she wasn't willing to give it up. She couldn't be ... could she?

"I'm not letting you give that up, Drina. I'm not letting you give up what you've wanted for so long because of some stubborn ass. You'll find someone. You'll find someone who deserves you and wants to make those babies, make that life with you ..."

"I don't want it," she shook her head, she not even caring about the tears now, "I don't want it if it's not with you."

"I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head, "I just can't let this happen. I can't let us happen." He got up shakily, licking his lips and walking to the door. "It's just best if we both go to bed and forget this ever happened, okay? Just, go to bed and forget that we ever happened."

"How the hell can I forget that? I fell in love with you, I lost my virginity to you! You just want me to forget both of those? That not fucking possible!"

"You have to. I'm going to go to bed and pray to God that it happens for me and for you. We have to move on. We have to -" He stopped, heart stopping as her mouth pressed to his frantically, tasting the salty tears from the two of them. God, how he had wanted this all along. But he knew it wasn't right. She needed so much more than he could give her, and he knew there were plenty of men that could give it to her without thought. He loved her, and it was the best to let her go. His hands shot up, gripping her upper arms and pushing her away gently and out the door. "Good night, Audrina."

"JC, wait -"

He shut the door, closing his mouth tightly to keep his crying to a minimum. It was like that 'Butterfly' song ... 'Spread your wings and prepare to fly, for you have become a butterfly. ... If you should return to me, we truly we were meant to be ...'

Freezing in his spot, the words registered in his head. She had returned to him after he let her go. He had ruined it.

Not even moments after he shut the door, there was a knock again.

"Drina, please ..."

"It's not Audrina. JC, open the door."

He looked through the peephole, stepping back in surprise as Aundrea stood there, gazing back at him as if she knew he'd be looking. "Drea, please."

"Open the damn door, Chasez."

He opened the door, crying out as she barreled her way in, slamming the door shut and jamming a finger into his chest as he cried out in protest. "Damn, Drea, what the hell was that for?!"

"What the hell are you doing?! She came here to tell you she wanted to be with you again and you just basically throw it all back into her face?! What the fuck kind of drug are you on?! Meanwhile, little over an hour ago, you're being a stupid little pansy with that dumbass guy kissing her and weeping the story of a lost love! Seriously, what the fuck are you thinking?!"

"I can't let her get hurt again by me, Drea. I can't be responsible for that and I -"

"So what the hell do you think you did to her just now, asshole?! She's crying her heart out because we all know that the two of you are supposed to be together and that you were too dumb to say anything about it! And finally, she grows the balls you are supposed to have and says something and you just kick her where it hurts?! Are you fucking insane?!"

"I guess I am."

"You are pathetic." She stepped up, JC stepping back at the little form in front of him. Suddenly, he felt shorter than she was, it a big feat to withhold as her fist wound and socked him in the face as his voice cried out in shock and pain. "You are worthless. I swear to God, if I see you even look at her, I'm going to give you a repeat to the other eye and then I'm going to rip off your dick."

He stepped back, nursing his eye and staring at the empty space that she had been in incredulously. What the fuck?! "Aundrea!" Pausing, he knew it was worthless to call the little firecracker back, because in all honesty, she'd probably hit him more than once more and he'd deserve every hit.

But how was he going to explain this?

He shut and locked his door, walking into the bathroom and opening his already swelling eye. For as small as she was, she had a hell of a right hook. That was probably why she did, to protect her tiny frame from the larger men who tried to hassle her.

But he didn't do that!

... He just ruined a perfectly good ending to something that hadn't been so perfect.

It was beginning to bruise already at his cheek bone, she busting open his skin with the ring she wore on her middle finger, blood slowly trickling down his face. "Argh," he groaned, running cold water and splashing it on his face before reaching for a towel and wetting it, placing it on his cheek and going to the fridge to find ice.

Once he situated himself on the bed, plastic baggie housing ice cubes on his eye, he leaned back, not-swollen eye staring up at the ceiling. How was he going to explain this? He couldn't even explain it to himself. He loved her and thought, if she comes back, even though she knows what I am not ready for, it'll be fine. But she didn't. And try as he might, he tried to move on. It failed, and he found himself being along side her while she worked on her album, falling more and more in love with her all over again. He wanted her and Lucy was his decoy to make her jealous. He knew it worked at least slightly, and it was where he wanted her. But he never intended to hurt her. He wanted to be able to love her freely and openly, to be the musical couple that everyone remembered from so long ago; the devoted boyfriend who loved his girlfriend so much that he stuck by her even with all the problems she had. Then, he had to go and bust her already broken heart into a million more pieces, only to have his face shattered by her firecracker of a friend because he was an idiot.

Seriously, why did anyone want to be with him?

"This is Guiliana Rancic for E! News on set of the video Schizo, the new, second single from singer Audrina Littrell, who is standing here with me to take a few minutes to talk about her tour and the recent events in her life. Audrina, you look amazing, as usual."

Audrina smiled at Guiliana, thanking her. "But I couldn't look good without all my stylists and make-up, so thank them for making me look amazing," she chuckled, Guiliana looking her up and down. "It's all them!"

"Now, the single, as I stated previously, is entitled Schizo. Do you care to tell us a little about the song itself, the video?"

"Actually, it's kind of a knock-off of this song that I loved awhile back called Lucky 4 U, about a guy who basically says the woman has multiple personalities and breaks up with her. I took it to the plus side of a relationship and wrote it based on the love aspect, the physical aspect. You know, the woman who is gentle suddenly becomes the dominatix; the woman who is meek and humble is suddenly demanding and stubborn. It's how a woman can play the role, but suddenly turn into this different person when it comes down to the rawness of relationships, of sex."

"And you portray this as what you're dressed as now -"

Audrina looked down, grinning. "I like to call this the vamp ..."

"Vamp, it is," Guiliana chuckled, "if you can pan down her legs and see how high these heels are ..."

JC shifted in his chair at the hotel, sighing deeply as he studied the woman gracing the screen. The deep red corset she wore cinched in at her waist, pushing her already very evident breasts up and out, they nearly at her collarbone; hair, a strawberry blonde (she had dyed it back to her natural strawberry, rather than just blonde), was teased and sexed up; she wore boyshorts, she turning and he seeing the bottom curve of her ass and black fishnets that disappeared beyond the thigh high leather stilletto boots that he knew would be off as soon as the shoot was over. It was a one day shoot in between days for touring, they back in New York before going to Chicago later that night on Johnny's private jet.

Of course, it wouldn't be very interesting for him. In fact, it'd probably be boring since she, along with everyone associated with her, had been giving him the silent treatment after their confrontation three days ago.

The bruise around his eye had ballooned to double it's size once morning came, lid swollen shut and the cut on his cheekbone from her ring still stinging from the skin being split open. Though it had been three days, it was still bruised and the media was having a field day with it, saying that he got into a physical altercation with the same man he had seen her kissing (though it was not known in the media about that, just that they were together) after she and him were spotting entering and leaving the hotel room that night and the next morning (the man, who, for all he cared, could have been named Dipshit, had come to visit her the next morning before the press appeared so it was said that had slept together since no one saw him leave in the first place). That, though JC swung, Dipshit had hit him and his bodyguard had pulled him away before he could retaliate.

Right. He'd fight for some things (love, family, trust), but he'd never fight a man over a woman. It was the woman's decision, and acting all macho was not going to win her over in the long run.

But he would have fought for Audrina. If he had let himself.

He had given up all hope for reconsciliation between the two of them the day before when he approached her to apologize and she looked right through him as if he didn't even exist. Aubrey was behind her, using her own blue eyes as ice, making him shiver at just the thought. Aundrea, luckily (that little firecracker), was nowhere to be seen so his face (and dick) were safe.

For now.

"Now what about all those tabloid rumors about you and JC suddenly not getting along and hating each other? Is there any truth in that? Is the tour affected by any of the media coverage?"

He turned his gaze back to the tv at the mention of his name, seeing her standing there, shifting her weight back and forth. The shoes were already killing her. She looked as if she were choosing her words wisely, finally looking at Guiliana and responding.

"After you are with someone for so long, it does get a little grating on your nerves. There is always going to be that respect between each other for the music we have brought to the table for my album, for his upcoming album if he decides to use the songs we had written while working on mine, for knowing each other for so long. But, it has been a long few months, with all the tabloids, all the media frenzies going on that we have treaded onto thin ice with each other. He's giving me my space, I am giving him his own. After this promotional tour, he'll be going back to LA to work on his album and I'll be going back to Kentucky to spend some time with family before going overseas and doing a European tour."

"So the rumors about the two of you hating each other -"

"Are not true," she said, shaking her head. "It's like ... being with your best friend nonstop for 24/7. You need your space to stretch, otherwise you're going to go crazy. And we did."

"What about the rumors of his altercation with the man you have been seen around with?"

"Absolutely, 100% fabricated. Completely false. He did get into a fight ... but it was with Aundrea and they were ... wrestling around. She swung her arm to put him in a headlock and hit his cheek and a little of his eye with her hand that she wears that big-ass ring on. That's why it looks so bad. The ring caught skin and broke it open, bruising the bone beneath it. He would never, ever fight someone unless he felt it was to protect."

He stared at the screen, wide-eyed. Since when had she been such a good liar?

With a sigh that signalled his aggravation with not only the world around him, but he, himself, he reached for the remote, clicking the television off and turning on his side. Shutting his eyes, he willed all thoughts to go away, all mental images of the woman gracing the back of his eyelids to disappear. They didn't, he sighing angrily and putting his head into his pillow, a scream that would have rattled the walls just bounced back into his face. The one thing he had thought he was doing right was doing the same, coming back and hitting him in the face.

The madness had to end.


It was an exceptionally good day. It had been six days since the whole thing with JC had gone down, and since, day by day, the weight seemed to have slowly lifted off of her shoulders. She still felt slightly horrible, Aubrey and Aundrea both leaving her the day before to fly back to LA to have yet another meeting with the rest of Danity Kane for their own tour, in return, Brian and AJ coming in to visit and spend a few days with her through to the Oklahoma tour date, where they would both fly back to Orlando to start filming the video for their next single.

"Look at you, all advertising and pimping out the Boys," AJ chuckled as she walked onto the stage, taking in her Backstreet Sister t-shirt that Brian had gotten her a long time ago, it slightly small on her, showing the slight hint of midrift, jeans unbuttoned and folded down. She kicked her flip flops off towards the end of the stage, bobbing her head side to side to rid it of kinks as AJ stepped up to her, studying her face. "You all right?"

"It's a good day," she said, the echoing of the door bringing both she and AJ to look backward, JC appearing in the door, disheveled and looking more irritable than he had the day before. He plopped down in a seat far away from them, phone at his ear. "Well, it was."

"Don't think about it, all right?" AJ put his hands to her shoulders, rubbing them gently. "Remember how they said emotion is the best way to portray a song? Well, use what you're feeling, and sing the song. Soundcheck is meant for rough cuts. Belt it out, girl; make people states away feel what you're feeling."

"All right. Then our song?" She toyed with the microphone as the band behind her began playing the song roughly, tinkering with random notes. "I haven't sung it with you, yet so it's gonna take a bit for me to remember how we harmonized."

"It's all gravy, babygirl," he grinned, taking a step back. "Now sing. Get angry, damnit!"

She nodded. In all of her songs, she expressed whatever emotion it was when the song was written. This one was actually written with Brian, so she wasn't really feeling much except happiness that her brother wanted to be more than just a vocal on the album. But now, as she stood there, with her support system beside her (Brian backstage talking to Johnny) and the main person this song was suddenly aimed at, she felt pissed. She felt the anger boil in the pit of her belly, the tension in her fingers as she fisted the microphone at her side, felt her feet begin to twitch in the antsy way she was when she wanted to storm off. This was what the song needed. She always felt it was too happy, but now, now she had something to be angry at, something to give the song it needed.

She took another look over at AJ, his arms crossed with a grin on his face. He knew her body language, knew exactly where this was going to go. "Wait, cut the music!" He put his hand to hers, stopping her before she sang, turning to the band. "The song is angry, right? It's a story directed to someone from a scorned lover. Let her tell the story and come in on the second verse. Let's see how this sounds."

"J," Audrina looked at him, confused, "that's not how -"

"Trust me on this, Drine. Just, trust me." He lifted her hand with her microphone, still feeling the tension and smiling, "now sing."

She nodded slowly, still not understanding as she stood, looking at him as she brought the microphone closer to her mouth and taking a deep breath, preparing herself to sing. She hoped he was right.

It was good while it was - whatever it was
Whenever you said it
And you really believed, if you came back to me
That I would forget it
But lately, you've been praying

Things you wish you didn't say - can't take it back
Things that can't be erased - can't take it back
You're crying this time, wish you could rewind
But that's a price that you pay
And that's that.
You can't take it back!

She saw the triumphant grin on AJ's face as the music picked up, the heavy beat of the snare cueing the verse as she shook her head, laughing as she sang, AJ's hands turning her to face where the crowd would be, the bitterness in her voice evident, only making the song better.

You say you didn't mean to hurt me
Do you think I believe you and your games?
You say you're goin' through hell
And you're trying to sell that you're gonna change
Face it, I'm not playing

Things you wish you didn't say - can't take it back
Things that can't be erased - can't take it back
You're crying this time, wish you could rewind
But that's the price that you pay
And that's that
You can't take it back!

It was good while it was
Whatever it was
Whenever you said it
And did you really believe
It wouldn't come back to me
And you wouldn't regret it?

Things you wish you didn't say - can't take it back
Things that can't be erased - can't take it back
You're crying this time, wish you could rewind
But that's the price that you pay
And that's that
You can't take it back!

Can't take it back
No, no, no, no
Can't take it back

The music continued to play as the band tinkered with tuning, she biting her lip as a laugh escaped, turning to look at AJ, his eyes set on hers and dragging out into the seats. "Aren't you glad you trusted me?" He grinned, nodding towards JC slightly as her eyes wandered, seeing his uncomfortable form, scratching at his head absently and trying to keep his eyes anywhere but on her. "C'mon, next song."

Audrina nodded, watching AJ as he walked towards the end of the stage, picking up the microphone and turning it on, tapping it to test it's sound and twisting it with his wrist in entertainment. She had always gotten along best with AJ, compared to Nick and Howie, even Kevin. There was an understanding between the two that she didn't think she really understood. He was like one of her best friends when her brother joined the Backstreet Boys, the one she went out with, the one that was the first shoulder she cried on when JC left her.

In many ways, without Brian, her saving grace would have been AJ. Of course, the support of Aubrey and Aundrea was astounding, that being a major reason as to why she loved them so much, but it was always good to have a guy's input, a guy's understanding. It reversed for him, too. When he started having trouble with alcohol, she was his little counselor; when the drugs started, she was the first know to know that he had dabbled in cocaine at The Call video shoot and liked it. She tried to talk him out of it, but never judged. She would have loved to take credit for getting him to finally face his demons and going to rehab, but that credit went to his own sanity, Kevin's beating down the door and telling him to his face 'I want nothing to do with you, you are nobody to me; you are dead to me' and his mother. She was the one he called daily for the 30 days he was at Promises, the one he called the day he got out, asking for her to come and be his support.

She was the one he called crying to when he made the mistake of sleeping with someone from AA when he was engaged to Sarah. She was the moral support after he told Sarah what had happened and was the permanent house guest for the first three weeks after the engagement broke.

And that was how 'Happily Never After' came about. They had been sitting at her home in front of the piano, he holding an acoustic guitar and just shooting the breeze when he had gotten sentimental on her. They spoke about the group, about how he made mistakes and he was so glad to have her in his corner with all of them. The engagement came up and he finally, after 5 years, he told her what happened with Sarah, starting with how she stood in the middle of their foyer, engagement ring in hand as she told him she didn't want to be in that lifestyle anymore, and let the ring drop from her fingers, picking up her things and leaving him there, speechless, though not surprised.

She pulled the stool from in front of the drumset towards the middle of the stage, AJ following suite and sitting down. Licking her lips, her eyes caught JC's and her stomach churned. "I can't do this," she said softly, AJ looking at her in confusion. "I can't ... I can't do any of this."

"Don't be silly," he said, voice low, microphone dropped into his lap so no one heard their conversation. "Piece of cake, D. A piece of cake with icing and those marachino cherries on top that you love so much. He followed her gaze, frowning. "It's not about him, is it?"

Deadpanned answer. "Maybe."

"... You're not serious. Audrina, c'mon now; that relationship is dead in the water, he made that clear. You have to move on. I know how much that relationship meant to you; I know what that relationship entailed that your brother doesn't, but I've gotta tell you, why are you dwelling on something that could possibly hold you back from something that could be so much better than what you already had?"

Her eyes teared up, she looking down at her fingers and shrugging dramatically. "I don't know. All I know is him. I don't know anything else."

"That's because you've never given anyone else a chance. Look, after tonight's show, we're going out, you and I. I'm gonna get you to let loose, let your hair down for once. Maybe we'll find someone that's worthy of you crying over ... though no one is worth crying over."

"Alex, I don't know ..."

He reached up, swiping a tear that had fallen off of her cheek and sighing deeply. "Sing this with me."

"Sing what?" She looked at him quizzically, eyes immediately watering up more when she realized what he was singing.

I can see that you've been crying
You can't hide it with a lie
What's the use in you denying
That what you have is wrong?

He stood there, looking at her expectantly. "My part is yours. Sing it. Loud. Hear what you're singing. Now."

She shook her head, sighing deeply. "AJ -"

"Damnit, just sing it!"

"All right, all right, damn!" She listened to him say the first line faintly, picking up on it and beginning.

I heard him promise you forever
But forever's come and gone
Baby, he would say whatever
It takes to keep you blind
To the truth between the lines

"I honestly don't know what it is with you two, but you always seem like you're on speed or something," Brian laughed as AJ began to serenade her himself with a song he hadn't sang since their Homecoming, turning back into seductive AJ-mode, lifting his shirt and rolling his belly, Brian shaking his head in disbelief as his sister lapped it up.

"Do the floor hump! Hump the floor, hump the floor!"

AJ laughed as he handed her his microphone, dropping to the floor in a fluid motion and rolling his hips all the way up to his belly in the sexual act that drew many screams from their fans when he did it (it rare now, though not completely forgotten about), a giddy squeal escaping Audrina's mouth as AJ laughed. "I think I broke my pelvis on that one," he mumbled as he got up, stepping high with both legs to stretch. "Not doing that again for a while."

"Right," Brian chuckled. "Bone. Not humping things. Right."

"Yeah, this is true," AJ shrugged. "I am full of energy now though."

Audrina stepped behind the keyboard, tinkering with the chords of one of her own songs, AJ going off into one of his random moments, still serenading anyone who would listen, Brian stepping up to his sister and eyeing her. "What now?"

He sat down next to her on the bench, watching as her fingers danced gracefully over the keys. "You okay? Like, really okay?"

She missed a note, slamming her hands down in frustration and beginning the song over again, only to mess up. "God damnit!" She beat the keyboard in aggravation, Brian stopping her hands from hitting it anymore. "Damnit, damnit, damnit!"

"I take it as a no," he said softly, she glaring at him. "Ah, a definite no."

"D?"

She looked up at AJ, he approaching quickly. "What?!"

"I'm ..." he saw the look of irritation and frustration written on her face, stopping himself. "I'm going to go get us some lunch." He disappeared quickly, jumping off the stage and walking down towards one of the exits, staying clear of JC as he still sat, eyes glued on the scene in front of him.

"Well, talk to me. Five minutes ago, you were dancing and acting like a fool."

"Five minutes ago, I had AJ keeping my mind off of it."

"Well, think of AJ then."

"He's not here," she mumbled, pulling her fingers from the keys as Brian looked her in the face. "I feel as if I'm bipolar. One minute, I'm fine. Another, I'm all 'fuck him, fuck whatever we had. Fuck the six years we had together' and then, then the next minute, I just want to curl into a ball and cry."

"That's normal, Aud. It's normal to feel like that after a break-up ..."

"Two years after it actually happened?"

"Well, maybe you need closure. Maybe you haven't been able to move on because you haven't been able to say what you want to say. Maybe there hasn't been anyone to move on with yet. But it'll come. You'll find someone. You'll have your say, I promise."

"Brian? Johnny's looking for you!"

Brian turned his head, glancing back at the stage manager and nodding. "All right, I'll be there." He turned to his sister, her eyes still settled on her fingers, she breathing heavily. "You going to be all right?"

She inhaled, steadying the hyperventilating sobs she was trying to keep away as she nodded. "F-fine."

"Drine," Brian stood quickly, grabbing his sister and standing her up. "Breathe. Slow. Breathe, come on!"

She pushed him away, shaking her head. "I'm fine, Brian," she gasped. "I kept myself from crying and now I'm paying for it. Just, go see what Johnny wanted. I'll be fine."

He stepped away a little more, hand still outstretched within touching distance of her as her hand held at her chest, the other at her belly as she closed her eyes, slowing her breathing herself. "Do you want oxygen?"

"No."

"Drine -"

"Brian, seriously, just go!"

"Fine, all right," he held his hands up in surrender, taking another look at her before disappearing behind the curtains. "Call me if you need me!"

"I won't!"

"Yeah, yeah ..."

She was growing more and more angry by the minute. Her breathing wouldn't calm, there were bursts of light going across her eyes, signifying the migraine fast approaching, and JC still sat there, eyes on her like nothing was wrong. Here she was, fighting to keep herself sane, trying to keep her mind off of him and moving on while he sat there, feeling as if she were egging her on somehow. She saw a familiar look in his eyes, one that he had always given her when he was concerned, suddenly snapping. She had had enough.

She gasped as her breath finally slowed, stepping to the stage and glaring at him, he already taken aback. "Fuck you," she snapped, voice bellowing through the ampitheatre. "Fuck you and your crazy games that you're playing! Fuck what we had, because it means shit to me anymore! You're a liar, an asshole and the worst human being possible! You're going to die alone and depressed because you never let anyone in, and when you do, I'm going to laugh! You're worthless, a piece of shit, nobody! You're dead to me, you don't even exist! You're gone, you're invisible!"

AJ, who had heard the commotion from just outside the entrance as he walked back frmo getting his wallet in her dressing room, appeared back, hearing her going off, eyes widening. "Oh, fuck," he mumbled, jogging quickly to the stage, hoping to stop her before any more damage was done.

"You suck as a person, you suck as a musician and you sucked as a boyfriend! You never cared about me, you only got me because you wanted me in bed! That was it, right? I was just another notch in your bedpost, another hole in the belt! No one will love you, not once I'm done! You're a waste of space, a waste of time -" She stopped when AJ's arms wrapped around her waist, lifting her and throwing her over his shoulders, she crying out in protest. "Let me down, damnit! I'm not done!"

"Ah, I think you've said all there is that needed to be said," he said softly, holding tightly to her rear and behind her legs as he attempted to carry her out, "and then some."

Audrina gave up her struggle as AJ fumbled with the curtains, hollering for her brother as hot tears fell down her cheeks, she weak from her verbal attack and the breathing she had finally caught up on, heart falling to her inclined feet by AJ's head as she caught the devastated look on JC's face, she dropping her head in defeat and letting her brother yell at her as it all fell upon deaf ears.

She felt her body being set down in a chair in her dressing room, mute Brian going off on a tangent. It was as if she were watching a silent movie, going back and forth between her brother and close friend, both yelling and animatedly talking. Nothing was settling in her brain. The only thing she focused on was the look she saw before she disappeared behind the curtain, closing her eyes painfully as the migraine appeared like a Jack-In-A-Box, it's "Ha, here I am!" pounding against the spot just above her eye, she hanging her head as the tears began to fall the sob silencing both men. "I'm sorry," she mumbled, "I'm so sorry ..."

Arms enveloped her quickly, the familiar hug of her brother's enveloping her and comforting her as she fought her sobs, AJ's hand running up and down her back gently. "I was just angry, I wanted my closure, I want to be happy ..."

"Get her some water and some aspirin, all right?" Brian's gaze met AJ's as he nodded, getting up and disappearing for only a few moments, Brian pulling away as he pried her fisted hand open, setting two pills in her hand, waiting for her to put them in her mouth, handing her the water shortly after. "Better?"

She closed her eyes, another sob escaping as she dropped her head, Brian hugging her once more. "No ..."

He closed his eyes as he rested his head to her shoulder, rocking her back and forth to coax her to calm down. He knew she had a headache, saw the look in her eyes she always got when it came, but he knew there was more behind that look, knew that it would take more than two painkillers to fix the damage that had been done.

He met AJ's gaze, they both thinking the same thing: it would take a miracle to even repair what had already been destroyed.

"I still can't believe you busted out a Kevin line," AJ smirked, shaking his head as he drove down the road for their night out, Audrina smiling weakly from beside him, wiped out from her migraine and tired from her show. "You're dead to me. God, I can only imagine how he felt when that was said."

"AJ?"

He glanced over at her, the moon reflecting on her pale skin and giving her an eerie glow, he slightly taken aback. "Yeah?"

"Can we not talk about it? Or him?"

"Yeah," he said softly, reaching over and grasping her hand, squeezing gently and going to release, her hold on his hand still there, he letting her continue to hold it, "we can talk about how amazing your show was tonight if you'd like."

"I'd rather not talk about anything that happened today."

"Not even my ... humping the floor?"

She chuckled then, looking over at him and shrugging. "I missed seeing that. But I don't know how much of a conversation we can get out of that."

"Well, humping the floor can go many ways. Mostly dirty, in my mind, but you know." He winked at her, glancing in the rearview mirror as the lights from the city disappeared, she looking on in confusion. "I figured you wouldn't want to be around all those people after today," he said softly, an appreciative look cast upon her face, heart slightly jumping when she lifted his hand, kissing it gently. "I'll take you away from it all, even if it's just for a couple of hours."

"I'd welcome it," she murmured, bringing her other hand to cover theirs and leaning her head back on the seat of the rental car. "Where are we going?"

"Do you remember the night before I went into rehab? When you flew up to be my support and your brother's?"

She nodded. "That was such a heartbreaking day ..."

"Well, do you remember how Nick and I disappeared in the middle of the night and you all thought I bailed?"

She laughed. "Kevin wanted to kill you."

"Yeah, well ... Nick took me somewhere that just made me realize that I was doing the right thing. I didn't have voices coming every which way telling me what to do, what not to do; it was just me, and obviously Nick, and this place." He turned up a dirt road adjacent to a park, she looking out the window in confusion. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna like, kill you and dump your body," he joked, she turning to grin at him as he parked the car, waiting for her to release his hand as he got out, she following and stepping up beside him. "Do you trust me?"

She raised an eyebrow in suspicion, looking down at his outstretched hand and sliding hers into it gently. "As long as you don't kill me or drop me off of that cliff or something ..."

He grinned, squeezing reassuringly as he led her through the small wooded area and up a trail that consisted mostly of rocks and debris. "Just, be careful. I don't have a flashlight and I don't need you to be breaking your ankle or something."

"It would be a major bummer, especially since you wouldn't be around for me to whine to."

"I'd smother you with a pillow."

"Sad part is, you probably would."

He laughed, tugging her so that she was closer, she grabbing onto the beltloop of his jeans as he held her hand, keeping her steady as they climbed to the top. It took about five minutes of them walking to reach flat and sturdy land, he stopping and waiting as she walked up to stand next to him. She reached for his hand once more, eyes settled on the clear sky ahead of them and the city lights below. "Welcome to my escape from the world," he said softly, she looking over at him. "This, this is where Nick took me. Little Nick Carter knows more about life than anyone gives him credit for, that's for damn sure," he chuckled. "Four hours we sat here. Four hours sitting here and he let me vent, scream, cry ... and it was only heard by him," he looked upward and closed his eyes, "and anyone up there that chose to listen."

"But what if I don't want to talk," she asked softly as he tugged her to follow him, walking closer to the edge but far enough away to keep her fear of heights at ease. "What if I don't want to talk about this ever?"

"Then, we take in the beautiful scenery and you can know that I'm here if that ever goes away and you do want to talk," he said softly. "I'm not gonna let you go down that road I know you're headed, D; that's not gonna happen while I'm alive. You're better than this, better than what you're letting yourself think you deserve. It's just another fork in the road that you've gotta decide which way to go. And whichever way you choose, you gotta know we're all behind you: Brian, Aubrey, Aundrea ... the boys. I'm behind you. There's no way in hell I'd leave you stranded. You are one of the only people in my life that I've got that is a stable support."

"I just don't understand where I went wrong," she said softly, biting her lip to stop it from trembling as tears formed, a few falling as she swiped at them clumsily, "was I not good enough for him? Did he not love me?"

"God, he loved you more than you realize," he said softly, touching her shoulder and turning her to look at him, his hands resting on either side of her face, "he still does, Drine. In his fucked up head, letting you go, no matter how hard, how difficult it may be, is the best thing for you. He let you go to find someone who'd make you happier, who'd be able to give you what he was afraid he was incapable of. You did nothing wrong, it was his decision. I know he regrets letting you go, but it's one thing that you need to take from this that I know you don't want to see: he let you go before it got worse. He walked away before it got tougher on you when you knew it would end. No matter how hard it was, it would have been even harder, being closer to something that never would have happened, though you wished it would. He saw the flashing red lights, he saw the hurt in your eyes. He let you go before you couldn't even look at him anymore."

"I lost the one person that has been there since the beginning," she murmured, hiccuping as she fought back more tears, "he was the only one who cared about me and now I feel as if I have to start all over again, learn how to find someone ..."

"Hey," he said softly, reaching for her chin and tipping it up so that she was looking at him, "he wasn't the only one who cared about you. You gotta remember, I've known you since you were Nick's age. I saw you grow up, I saw you turn into this amazing woman, this amazing, beautiful woman. He's not the first guy to fall head over heels for you. He just made it known when it happened."

"Don't lie," she chuckled as AJ shook his head, laughing at her disbelief, "you're just trying to make me feel better."

"Nah," he said, smiling slightly, "well, I am, but it's the truth. You thought you were invisible, but I saw you. I always did."

Her eyes slowly widened, mouth shaping into an 'O' as she searched for words. "W-when?"

He shrugged. "Probably from around the time I was eighteen until maybe ... 24?"

She was quiet, unable to grasp that the rebellious, tattooed man had ever fallen for the girl she was. "Why'd you stop?"

"If I remember correctly, his name was JC," he chuckled, "I saw how you were around him and I realized that I never would have gotten that." He placed a kiss to her forehead, smoothing the flyaway hairs down to her head. "But I accepted it when I saw how happy you were; that was all I ever wanted for you. And he gave that to you for six long years. Six long years that tortured the hell outta me when I kept having failed relationship upon failed relationship." He sat down on the ground, bringing his knees close to his chest as she followed, putting the cigarette he had brought out back out of respect for her and her heart. "Nick crushed on you for a while, too. Not as long as me, only because his attention span is that of a goldfish sometimes, but you had both our hearts and you had no idea."

"And you tell me now," she said softly, sitting down next to him and leaning back onto her elbows, staring up at the stars and sighing deeply, letting the silence cover them like a warm blanket. She had always loved AJ in one way or another, but it was difficult to grasp that he had loved her. He was a flirt, an addictive personality, a short-fused man and sometimes a little too hard-headed. But beneath that exterior, he was the sweetest, kindest man she had ever come into contact with. He cared about everyone in his life, be it someone he just met clear to the furthest branch on his family tree.

They had been closer when she was younger, she visiting on tour more often than not before she herself got signed, always spending time with he and her brother. Even though they had drifted apart in the timeframe that she and JC had dated, she knew he was still one of the few people that she had that she could always rely on, always turn to when she needed it. He would never argue, never try and fix things without knowing if the person wanted help fixing it and never made someone feel small.

She leaned into the warmth of his body, his lifting his arm and wrapping it around her shoulders in comfort as she sighed sadly, burying her face into his shirt and inhaling his familiar scent: faint cologne, deodorant and cigarettes. Even though she hated the cigarettes, it was a home-like welcome to her when he hugged her, or held her as he was now.

"J?" She turned her head so that she was looking out in the same direction as him, reaching up and wiping the stray tear that had fallen down her face. When he responded when a slight hum, she swallowed her pride and asked something she never would have if not given the circumstance. "You loved me?"

He shifted, sitting up straight and clearing his throat as he nodded slowly, licking his lips and finally speaking. "Yes. I did."

"When you were eighteen."

"Roughly," he nodded, blinking slowly as she pulled away from him, studying his face, different, but the same to her all at once. "But, as I liked to say, it was only puppy love."

"But you were 24 when -"

He chuckled, dropping his hands to his lap as he looked over at her, "I was in denial, I guess. That, and I tried to make excuses of it all because I had a watchful eye over me because of it."

She smirked, playing with her fingers. "Brian?"

"Rok?! Hell no. Kevin." AJ grinned, hand going to his face and scratching it, fingers against his goatee sounding like sandpaper. "He saw the way I looked at you and I got my masculinity threatened to be cut off if I even made an attempt with it. That, and he swore he'd tell Brian if I tried anything."

"Like either would do anything to you," she said softly, feeling AJ reach over and take her hands, he now playing with her fingers rather than her. "And besides, I decided who I wanted to be with -"

"Not when you were sixteen, you didn't," he laughed. "Especially when it dealt with the baby sister and cousin of two bandmates. As much as you hated Kevin's hawk-like watch over you when you were around, he meant well. And Brian tried to let you do your own thing, but he wanted to protect you more than anything. And they knew me. They knew I was completely opposite of you, knew I liked the alcohol, the sex. They sheltered you from that and that was a good thing."

"Who's to say I don't like sex and alcohol?" She raised an eyebrow, AJ laughing as he patted her hand, still holding onto it. "I'm serious! I'm not Brian, J. I'm not a typical Littrell."

"Brian isn't as good as you think he is, either," AJ smirked, "he just chose to keep that part of his life unknown to most. He knew what happened between you and JC and what didn't between you and any of the other guys you dated, he wasn't stupid. None of us were. God, that killed me. They were all so happy that you were with him and in love and I was just so crazy about it, putting on this happy front on the outside and growing even more jealous by the minute."

"If we," she stopped, biting her lip and looking at him, "if you would have said something, do you think we would have lasted?"

AJ looked at her, taken aback. Licking his lips, he shrugged. "After I scraped the remains of my body off of whatever part of the earth Kevin and Brian mutilated me on, maybe. All I wanted was for you to be happy, and if it were with me, then yeah, I'd do everything in my power to make you the happiest girl alive. I don't know what it was about you, D, but you were my everything back then."

"And now?"

"You're more than that," he smiled, getting up as she looked on, he stretching before walking little ways away, looking out into the city. "It killed me when you got sick. Killed me when I saw just how broken you were when JC left you. You had everything, then suddenly, it all just slowly was pulled out from beneath you and there was nothing I could do to keep it from happening or stopping it in it's tracks. I knew that JC wasn't happy, but I couldn't do anything -"

"Whoa, wait." She got up, brushing off her backside and walking quickly over to him, "you knew?"

He swallowed, slowly nodding. "He said he told you. Said he was having doubts and you told him to take the space and think about it. He said he tried so hard to shake the feelings he had been getting because he loved you, but he couldn't. He loved you, Audrina. He loved you so much that it killed him to be thinking what he was thinking. It killed me to know that. He was my friend, but you were more than that. I guess I just thought it was some weird sort of phase he was going through because most men do get cold feet when they know it's close to the 'we've been together for a long time, it's time to make it permanent' phase. But he ... he bailed and I felt horrible."

Her stare was blank as she stared at him, blinking slow. "I can't believe you," she murmured, "you knew. You knew all along and didn't tell me?!"

"What the hell did you want me to do, Drina? Drag out the process? Let you know and just let the two of you go at it like to bats out of hell and make it more miserable between the two of you?! Like hell I would!"

"Do you not remember what happened today?! We're not exactly Paris and Nicole!"

"Who the hell would want to be them?! Drina, look, I know I should have said something, but damnit, I was thinking about you. I wanted him to say it to you. To not be a coward that I know he's not and say it to you, but he didn't. He couldn't face what he felt. He ran because he couldn't bear to look at you and feel what he felt. He loved you, we all fucking knew it. He probably loves you still! He'd be stupid not to -"

"Right, just like you not telling me that you did?"

"Okay, so I made two mistakes on my part," he snapped, stepping towards her as she walked away, "but I'm not the only one who makes mistakes, Audrina! We're all fucking human! Like you kissing Jake and JC catching you!" He saw the look of disbelief on her face, nodding smartly, "yeah, I know about that! Everyone does! Might wanna watch who you kiss, otherwise he'll go running off to the papers! At least JC had the decency to make sure that you were okay after all this shit happened! At least he still wanted to be a part of your life! Where's Jake, huh? Where's he at now, Audrina?!"

"That has nothing to do with this -"

"You're right. And my knowing has nothing to do with it either because I'm not the only one who knew! So stop playing angry with everyone and just face up to the truth: it's over! It's over, all right?! As much as I wish it wasn't for you, even the little eighteen-year-old part of me, it is! He doesn't want to get into something with you because he knows it'll all be the same all over again! He's not stupid, D! He knows you may say one thing, but he knows you! We all do! His life is not the life you want and we all know that you attempting to make believe in a life that you would have with him if he chose to stop pushing you away! But he's pushing you away for a reason, Audrina; he's pushing you away so you actually find someone who wants to give you that life."

"Like who? You?!"

"Six to twelve years ago, yes!"

Her hands dropped in defeat, shoulders slumping slowly as AJ watched her exterior begin to slowly crumble. Fat tears formed in her eyes, body beginning to shake as he closed the space between them quickly, his arms wrapping around her shoulders, pulling her to him as she sobbed, hands clenching his t-shirt. Hot tears soaked through to his skin, as he placed a gentle kiss to the top of her head, turning so his chin rested on her. "I'm sorry I said that," he said softly as her body shook them both with her sobs, tears forming in his own eyes as he closed them. "I'd do anything for you, D, and you know that. But I can't go and change someone's heart. I can't get him to suddenly feel the same way as you do with relationships. That's just not going to happen; it won't work."

She pulled away from him, arms shaky as she wiped her eyes without making eye contact with him. "Can you just ... can we go home?"

He nodded, stepping away from her and shocked to feel her hand latch onto his tightly, leading her silently back down the trail and back to his car. The entire ride to the hotel was silent, as was the trip in the elevator and to her door. "I'll see you in the morning," he said, unsure of what else to say, "call me if you need anything tonight, okay? I'm only a few doors down." He leaned forward, placing a kiss to her forehead, her fingers holding his shirt gently. "I really am sorry."

She nodded, feeling his body warmth leave her and she soon became frantic, needing that comfort, the familiar warmth. "Alex?"

He turned his head, meeting her sad gaze, "yeah?"

"Will you stay here tonight?" She swallowed hard, seeing his eyes widen. "With me?"

"I don't think it'd be the best thing for -"

"Please?"

He melted with her voice and the face she gave him just like he had years ago, surrendering. "Sure. I just have to go get clothes to sleep in. I'll be back in a minute."

She nodded, turning on her heel slowly and putting the key in front of the activator, waiting for it to unlock the door. Stepping in and being hit in the face with cool air, she sighed deeply and tossed her phone and key to the table by the door, leaving it slightly open so that AJ could get in. She was completely exhausted from her tears, her frustrations of the day. Pulling on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, she walked to her bed that seemed so far away, collapsing onto it and crawling underneath the covers.

Lying on her side, she felt her eyelids grow heavy, unable to fight sleep anymore than she had. So much for waiting up for AJ.



A shift in her bed brought her slowly out of her light sleep, the familiar scent that she had been smelling filtering once more into her nose as a small smile formed on her face. "Took you long enough," she murmured, turning onto her back and looking over at him, he giving her a sheepish smile. "How long have I been asleep?"

"About twenty minutes," he said softly, turning on his side and waiting for her to do the same, arm going over her body in search of her hand, it resting at her belly. "You know, this probably isn't the greatest thing to do," he chuckled. "Someone could walk in and think we're sleeping together."

"We've done this how many times and now you're worried about it," she asked, laughing slightly. "Just be glad I'm letting your blanket hogging self in this bed."

"It's not my fault you kick the covers off and I just-so-happen to take them," he defended, yawning deeply as she squeezed his hand once more. "I am sorry about holding that stuff from you, though ..."

"I don't want to even think about that stuff anymore," she mumbled, "it only makes me weaker. I gotta move on."

"That's my girl," he said softly, burying his face into her shirt and breathing deeply, making a memory of one of the many times they used to lie in bed like that when he came to visit after she got sick, and when they were younger. She just wanted comfort and company, he wanted a reason to be near her. "It'll be hard, but we're all here to help you, D; we're not gonna let you go at it alone."

"I know," she said, fingers tracing his tattoos. After a few moments of silence, he thinking that she had fallen asleep, she spoke again. "Alex?"

He lifted his head from against her back, trying to make out her face in the dark. "Yeah?"

"If JC had never come into the picture, would you still have cared about me?"

"No doubt," he said quickly, eyes still searching for reason behind her question, "why?"

"I don't know, I ..." she stopped, sighing deeply. "I just, I wish I knew what it felt like to be loved again, because I think I've forgotten."

"Everyone that you're around loves you, D," he said softly. "Don't ever question that."

"Do you?"

"Of course I do, I -"

"No, J," she turned back onto her back, still holding his hand as she met his confused gaze, "do you still love me?"

His face was blank as he let the question register, he biting his lip. Her green eyes looked eerie under the light of the moon, almost metallic, hair already bed-worn, face tired. Did he still love her? This was the same girl he had fallen for more than twelve years ago, the same girl he watched fall in love and then get her heart broken while he stood on the sidelines and watched it all happen. The same girl that he shared a bed with when the two of them couldn't sleep or had a bad day; the same girl who he let kiss her just because; just because they meant more to each other than anyone would understand, even when he was half-way on the other side of the world and she was dating someone else (though they never kissed on the lips when they were with someone); the same girl that grew up right in front of him into a woman that he could see breaking his heart unintentionally because hers was still partially belonging to someone who wasn't even sure where his heart lie. This was the woman that he'd take all the pain and burden from just so she'd be happy, just so he'd see that smile that made him smile again. "Yeah, I think I do."

She nodded, turning back on his side as he sighed deeply, lying back onto the pillow, turning his head and staring at the spot between her shoulder blades, eyes burning from the blank stare. He wasn't expecting a response, hell, he wouldn't have had one, either.

But it would have made the moment a little more comfortable.

He closed his eyes, willing sleep to come as she shifted again, she now lying on her side facing him, eyes meeting his slowly opening ones. "Thank you for loving me," she said softly, a tiny smile playing on her face as he nodded, unsure of how to respond. (Somehow, 'you're welcome' didn't seem appropriate). "Though it may not be the best timing, it still makes me feel a little better."

She lie her head on his chest, his arm around her as he sighed deeply. He was pretty sure she could feel his heart beating fast as he relived the nights events. She had a breakdown and he admitted he was in love with her.

Talk about a rollercoaster.

Sighing once more, he closed his eyes, softly singing a song that reminded him so much of her in his head, making a note to let her listen to it the next morning. Maybe it'd make her feel slightly better. Maybe it'd make him feel slightly better about her now knowing he was in love with her.

Sifting through shattered dreams
Living in the inbetween
Baby, babe, it's gonna be all right
And when you're lost, let down
Disappointed and jerked around
In this cold, cold world
I will always be by your side ...

"And he told you he loved you, just like that?"

Audrina sat on her bed, cradling her phone between her cheek and shoulder as she spoke to Aundrea, who was waiting to get back onto an airplane to meet her in Dallas. "Yeah, well, no ... he admitted to liking me way back when and attempting to stop when JC and I got together, but he never fully got over me. And, then I kind of asked him if he still did. He said he thought so and that was really the end of it."

"So he doesn't know if he loves you?"

"I think it's more along the lines of he doesn't know if he wants to admit it to me," she said softly, picking at her nail cuticle and sighing deeply. "C'mon, would you want to get into a fucked up relationship with me?"

"So you thought about being with him?!"

Laughing slightly she pulled herself off of the bed and shut the tv off, shimmying out of her lounge pants and into a pair of jeans. "No ... well, yes, I have. He's an amazing guy, Drea; maybe a little troubled, but aren't we all a bit fucked up? I mean, seriously, look at who you're talking to and who I dated. Don't get me started on him."

"Aubrey told me he's not continuing on with the tour."

She frowned. "No, he's not. I mean, I can't blame him. If you would have been a fly on the wall when I flipped ... I don't blame him."

"It was kind of deserved -"

"And a major weight off of my shoulders," she concluded, "but it still wasn't right for me to go off like I did. He knows how I feel. I know how he feels. It's a silent understanding and it should have stayed that way. He won't even look me in the eye. Even worse, is that he won't even stay for more than five seconds in the same room with me. People have started talking about our song and how different it sounds now. And it does. It's almost painful to watch when they play it back for me."

"Sound-wise?"

"Sound-wise, it sounds remarkable," she said, shrugging, "it's ... emotion-wise. We're both torn between each other, Drea. It's a hard thing to deal with and us being on tour together probably ruined what little we had left that kept us getting along. I've probably lost him for good and I don't know whether or not it's a good or bad thing."

"Then, who are you touring with?"

"I'm going it alone," she sighed. "They're going to just pick up random well-known bands from around the area to be my openers in every city so it's going to be even more awkward because I'll be the only person I have with you and Bree going off to tour with Day 26. JC will be here, working on his album and my brother and AJ will be with the Boys on their tour."

"Well, maybe you'll cross paths ..."

"Twice. Management made sure that we'd be able to promote together in Osaka and Melbourne. That's it. They're keeping us busy enough that there is no time between to even fly out to visit for a day. I'm going to have no one. Yet again."

"And we all know how you are alone."

"Preaching to the already knowing congregation, Drea," she said softly, "hold on. I need to change my shirt." She put the phone down, pulling off her own tour shirt that she had used as pajamas, the tank top resting on the hotel dresser being pulled on shortly as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Though she looked tired, she felt a lot better than she had in the last few days. Most of the reason was because Brian had kept her busy, kept taking her out before soundcheck to movies, to lunch and after shows to see the city and for a late dinner just so the siblings had time together. AJ was still her late-night visitor, always keeping her spirits up when she felt them slipping, and never hesitated to give her a hug when she looked like she needed it. And though she gave Aundrea and Aubrey some credit, it definitely was more the two men who kept her happy than she was able to.

Picking up the phone once more, she greeted her friend. "But I am better. I promise."

"Well, good. I want to be greeted Wednesday morning with a bright-eyed, bushy-tailed Audrina. Not a sad one."

"Well, my brother and AJ are leaving this afternoon. I don't know exactly how happy I'll be."

"Very," she pressed. "Trust me, all right? It's all going to blow over and you're gonna wake up one day with this big smile on your face and love life."

Audrina opened her mouth to speak, stopping for a moment when she felt the familiar chest flutter, knowing she had too much caffeine, it triggering the slight flutter. Breathing deep, she continued, "I hope so."

"You all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said softly, "just gotta go take my medicine. Lots of fluttering the last few days."

"Maybe you should call your cardiologist?"

"So he could tell me to continue taking my medications? I already know that, Drea," she laughed. "I'll be fine."

"Promise?"

"Yeah," she said, turning as she heard a light knock on her door. "I'll be fine. I'll see you in Dallas, okay? 36 hours?"

"About that, yeah," Aundrea replied, the smile evident in her voice. "It'll be good to get away again."

"Trouble in DK paradise?"

"Like no other," she mumbled, "but we'll talk about it later. I'll let you go."

"Okay," Audrina said, kicking her shoes out of the way of the door, "I love you, have a safe flight."

"I love you too, girl. See you in a day and a half."

She hung the phone up, opening her door and being greeted by the bright smile of her brother. "Hey, Brian. I thought we were meeting down in your room in an hour?"

He shoved his hands into his pockets, giving her a slight shrug, still smiling. "Well, we were, but I thought I'd come up and keep you company since you've been a hotel hermit this afternoon."

"I'm just being lazy today, it's my day off," she chuckled, opening the door wider as he walked past. "But you know I always love company."

"This, I know," he smiled. "That, and I kind of wanted to talk to you about something."

"Something, good or something, bad?"

He held his hand up, making a so-so hand gesture. "Something, interesting, I think."

"Oh, well, have a seat," she cleared off her clothes that she had been folding, giving up a long while ago. "What's it have to deal with?"

"The latest tabloid," he chuckled, reaching back behind him and pulling out a folded in half magazine from his back jean pocket. Opening it up and handing it to her, he watched as her eyes widened, taking in the very same photo that he had seen when he walked into the lobby earlier that day. "Seems that suddenly, JC isn't part your love story, but our own Alex McLean is."

"And this is what you wanted to talk to me about?"

He nodded. "I mean, c'mon, Drinie, you don't walk around holding everyone's hands, do you?" He stopped. "Well, yeah, you do. But is this really what you want the world to think of now? Was this just a ploy to get the JC stories involving you out of the paper?"

She shook her head. "I honestly didn't even think of any of this when he and I went out. We always held hands, and you knew that." She shook her head, the title in big, bold letters Audrina Littrell's New Love Affair Rocks Backstreet! "I mean, he and I talked about stuff, but it wasn't -"

"He told me everything," Brian said, Audrina looking up at him in shock. "Oh, don't give me that. You knew he would. He's one of my best friends and his best friend's brother. We share a mutual friend, Drina. If he's concerned, he's gonna go to the other. He also told me he confessed to you what he felt so many years ago and that you asked him if he still did."

She bit her lip. "Yeah, I probably shouldn't have asked."

"I don't want my friend being your rebound, Audrina. I don't want your friend being your rebound. He's too good for that. I love J, he's a good guy, but you're my sister and I know you more than you would like me to. You'll fall into him and then one of you is going to be hurt. He said he would never overstep his boundaries because he knows when it's wrong, but I need to know how you feel about this whole thing."

She sat down next to her brother, shrugging. "I don't know, Bri. I really ... I mean, yeah, we didn't have a normal teenaged life, with you gone and me always going in and out of school because I missed you and would rather just go and be with you, so I did; in a way, yeah, I liked him. A lot. He was my brother's friend and I had a thing for him. Off and on for a couple of years. But he was always so far away and so out of reach in that aspect that I settled into being one of his best friends, too. And now, it's all brought upon me, and it's the only refreshing weight I've had on my shoulders in a long time. I feel good about it, though. For once in, well, a while, I'm close to being happy. You're here, he's here and once you guys go, I'll have Aundrea again. I have my support system and I really don't have anything to complain about."

"No, Drine, I don't think you understand where I'm going with this," he reached over, grabbing his sister's hand and catching her complete attention. "How do you feel about the whole thing? About AJ? I mean, I know it's not technically a rebound since it was two years ago, but it is. Do you really want to try to fix things with JC or are you completely done? And what about AJ? Are you going to tell him how you feel about him?"

She licked her lips, pursing them in thought. "I'm done with trying with JC. We've hurt each other too much. That book is closed and locked up. As for AJ, I don't know. I ... I haven't really thought about it other than the fact that when he told me the other night that he thought he still did love me, it made me feel good. It made me smile because I knew he meant it. I didn't have to look at him in the face like I did with JC and wonder where his next lie would be coming. I ... I knew JC loved me, but his motives were all wrong near the end and it just didn't mean what it used to."

"So you care about AJ?"

"Of course I do," she said, looking confused, "he's one of my closest friends and -"

"But do you care about him in the sense of a romantic ... type ... way?"

A pitiful laugh escaped her throat as she looked at her brother, the uneasiness of asking his sister just exactly how she felt for his best friend after only a few days of recouperating from her blow-up at JC slightly disturbing to him. "You want to know if I love him back? If I reciprocate those feelings?"

"Not necessarily love, but feel something towards him; feel that you may want to try and start something with him."

She looked down at the magazine, a photo of she and AJ walking out of the hotel and down the stairs, he holding her hand and leading her towards the valet to wait for his car. Her head was down, but it was unmistakable who the woman was, and his tattoos could be pointed out from a million miles away, curly hair hidden beneath a baseball cap and peaking out from the bottom in the back.

She flipped it open, searching for the article and then skimming through, reading only a few sentences.

"They've always been so close. When JC came into the picture, he stepped aside and let him be the man in her life, but now that the two are on the outs completely, she's turned back to AJ for support and love. The attraction has always been evident when those two are around," a source said, adding, "AJ has been in love with her from the moment Brian introduced her to all of them (with the exception of Kevin, who is Littrell's cousin). They do things a couple would do, only on their terms: frequent pecks on the lips, hand holding, long hugs that Audrina lived for when she was younger."

... Another source adds, "AJ waited for six years for Audrina to come around, and, years after he tried to move on, it seems that she slowly is and welcoming what could be a very interesting, sweet relationship. She's exactly what he needs in his life right now and his support for her is what she needs."

McLean was seen numerous times slipping into Littrell's hotel room late in the night to be there for her as she struggles to get over her heartbreak. "JC was the love of her life and he'll be a very tough act to follow. AJ is willing to take the challenge though, he believes that Audrina is worth it." The only thing holding him back is the feelings of her brother, who is a bandmate of McLean's. "If he had Brian's 'OK', he'd take the step to make Audrina know he wanted to be with her. Not many people know that she wanted to be with him a year before she and JC started dating, and now that JC is gone, she still sees in him what she saw in him then. He's got a troubled past, but you could not ask for a more compassionate, nurturing man than him. He's exactly what she needs to get over JC."

"You know how they say to not believe everything you read?" She asked softly, holding up the magazine as Brian nodded, "well, believe this."

Brian chuckled. "And that means what, exactly?"

"That it's gonna take a while, but maybe. Maybe I want to see what would happen between J and I. There's a lot of things holding me back and I'm not quite sure that the 'love' he has for me is what it used to be, but I know he cares about me. I know he'd do anything for me and that means the world. I just ... I don't have that push. Everyone is right: I do need to get over JC, but it's going to take more than a few days for me to -"

"It's been more than a few days, Drina. It's been two years and some odd months. It has been time to move on for quite some time."

"I know, and I will. I just need ... I need that wave of realization that I'm ready to. It just hasn't hit me yet. I mean, you'd think that Lucy would have been the reason I got over JC, but it only made me more pissed off that he got over me."

"I don't think he'll ever be over you, Audrina." Brian stood up, standing face to face with his sister as he studied her features, smaller, yet so similiar to his own. "Of all his girlfriends, I don't think he knew what love was until you. You lasted the longest, he craved you since day one. And God, that sounds horrible coming from me, but it's true. He never wanted his girlfriends around as much as you. Everyone knew it. Howie even said that. You were what his world revolved around and if you were in a bad mood, so was he. If you were deliriously happy, he was, too. And then, when you got sick, I've never seen someone so worried than he was. He's got a lot of growing up to do, Audrina. If he ever does. Some men aren't the marrying-type, and you can't change that no matter how much you love them and they love you. But sometimes, they change when they realize what they'd gain is so much better than what they'd lose. I prayed he'd come around, but it's been two years. If he hasn't by now, he probably never will."

"I know."

"I just, I don't know if this whole AJ thing would be a good idea for you if you should ever consider it."

She raised an eyebrow. "I've started to, Brian. There really isn't any way for you to stop how I feel."

"But I -"

"Do you not want me happy?"

Brian took a step back, slightly bothered by his sister's question. Why would she even think to ask him that? "Of course I want you to be happy," he said softly, voice barely above a whisper, "there's nothing more that I want in my life right now than to see you happy."

"Then maybe AJ will make me happy."

"It's AJ, Audrina. Are you ready to be a part of that life he has? It's a constant battle with his sobriety and his depression when it kicks in ..."

"I'm not a fucking child anymore, Brian, I'm 29, in case you have forgotten. I'm not exactly your baby sister."

"C'mon, don't swear at me -"

"Then don't talk to me like I can't handle things like that! In case you haven't realized, those pills that sit on my bathroom counter aren't exactly Midol!"

He cringed. "I know. I'm just trying to look out for you. I want what's best for you. I always have."

"Then let me decide what's best for me. I know that you're trying to help, but seriously -" she stopped. "Seriously. Just. Stop."

"All right."

It was quiet between the two of them as he looked towards the wall, she looking at her feet. "Why am I getting into a fight with everyone this week?" She asked softly, shaking her head. "First, I flip on JC ... okay, so that really wasn't an argument, but it involved me yelling; then AJ, now you. I don't fight with you. Ever."

"Things change," Brian chuckled. "We grow up."

"I guess so."

"I wouldn't mind if you dated him," Brian said softly as she turned to look at him, surprised. "I mean, it's my best friend and my sister. It'd be odd, but it'd be nice that the two of them found happiness with each other. If he would make you happy, then you have my blessing. And I know he'd try his damndest to make you happy. He thinks the world of you."

"Yeah." Clearing her throat, she put a hand to her fluttering chest, annoyed with it's appearance once more. "You know, I need to stop getting so worked up because these palpitations don't like it."

Brian took a hesitant step towards her. "You're having one now?"

"Yeah. I get worked up and it brings my stress up, I suppose. I excused it as caffeine, but the stress thing makes more sense. I need to stop being so crazy about this. It's not good for my wanting to keep a normal breathing pattern without having to stop and catch my breath."

"Have you called your -"

"Cardiologist? No. I'm fine. I feel fine. I know what it is, he told me what kind of signals to look for. That is kind of a warning for me to stop being so stressed and to calm down. I need to calm down is the problem. I just need to calm down." She sat, closing her eyes and breathing deeply. Feeling her brother's worried gaze on her, she spoke softly, "don't freak, Brian. It's happened before. Just go get my pills and I'll take them now rather than later."

His footsteps were heard from the foyer and towards the bathroom, door opening and pills shaking against the bottle as he picked them up, wordlessly putting them into her hands once he came back into the master bedroom suite. "You're sure you're okay?"

She opened her eyes, the palpitations done. "Yeah, perfect. Just a little tired, though."

"You don't have to come to the airport with us, Drine; you can go to sleep. Rest?"

"No, nonsense. It's my day off, I'll sleep when I get back. After I hold the celebratory party you're gone," she added, winking as she looked on in shock. "Ah, you know I'm kidding. I'm gonna miss having your nagging ass around."

He pushed her playfully, glancing at his watch. "Why don't we go down and meet Bone? He's probably half-passed out and not even packed yet."

"Sounds fine by me," she said, getting up and following him out the door, grabbing her phone and key on the way. "Hey, Brian?"

He turned to look over his shoulder, looking at her. "Hmm?"

"Thank you. For being a nagging ass."

He chuckled. "Anytime, baby sister; anytime."

He sat at the desk in his room, laptop open and staring at the pictures that graced the screen in front of him. They were all of Audrina and AJ as they walked the streets after the show two nights before, she holding his hand tightly as they walked from the hotel to the valet. Some were actually from the show, she, Brian and AJ all photographed leaving the back of the arena to the awaiting car, her hand still holding tightly to AJ's, gripping Brian's bicep as they led her through the crowd, bodyguards in front of all three.

Exiting out of the page with an angry sigh, he typed in the familiar URL, her voice welcoming him as he immediately clicked to her main photos. The site hadn't updated the photo gallery much, photos from 2002 still there as his fingers slowly reached up, grazing the screen at a picture of the two of them, a black and white finish with the two of them dressed in typical 50's housewife meets working husband attire. She had deep red lipstick on, hair curled just so with a sailor dress on; he dressed in a suit and tie with his hair slicked back.

It brought a chuckle out of his lips, remembering the day perfectly. He stood straight, one hand adjusting the tie while the other held to the suit jacket, a smirk adorning his face; Audrina stood, leaning into him with one foot popped, merely inches away from his face, close to planting a lipstick-imprinted kiss to his cheek.

He wanted to go back to those days. Back when he was happy, when she was happy ... when they were happy. Back when he thought nothing about four years away, nothing about her being sick, nothing about losing her like he had.

Back when they loved each other desperately.

He hadn't been able to even look at her since her well-deserved blow-up on him that day at soundcheck. After all the racing thoughts went through his head about how much he hated AJ at the moment because he got something out of her that he hadn't in a while (a smile), it made him crack, made him think things he shouldn't have. Made him regret ever falling in love with her. But then, suddenly as she and AJ sang their song together, it telling a story of what could have been between them if he had let it go further than his mind would let him, he fell for her again.

And then she snapped. She broke like he knew she would, but it still came unexpectantly. She went on and on about things he knew were rattling around in her brain for a long while, some things he never thought she would say, some he did.

And then she told him he was dead to her.

Regardless of him already being blown away by her completely going postal, that was what hit him hard in the stomach, knocking every last bit of breath out of him, he struggling to breathe as he watched, speechless (and breathless) as AJ carted her away. She was kicking and screaming the entire time, AJ's voice bellowing in the low tenor her brother's name, her higher soprano screaming to be put down.

And all he could do was gawk at the space that she had once occupied.

Memories flashed back at him then, of the last time the two of them shared a stage as a couple when he brought her out to sing 'Happy Birthday' to her, family picnics in Kentucky with the Littrell's, family reunions in Maryland with his own family. Shortly after she had become sick, though it wasn't meant out of spite, his sister said, 'guess you might wanna get that engagement ring before she gets too sick, right?'

He knew his sister was clueless as to what exactly was wrong with Audrina, but they all knew that the sickness, dealing with the heart especially, could be fatal. That was the nail in the coffin for her. He became way too fidgety, mind going miles a minute. He began questioning everything, playing the blame game. He even blamed her for pressuring him into taking the relationship as far as it had already gone, though, as he knew, it took two to get that far and he was partly to blame.

And then he left.

And now, here he was, nearly 32 and still fighting bachelordom like it was some sort of disease. But it was useless to fight it, since he fought every feeling he had for Audrina every step of the way. So what if he loved her? He didn't deserve her and he knew that. She could get better. Though, better being AJ just drove a knife into his heart. AJ was one who wanted to marry. What if she married him? He'd have to live his life seeing her face grace magazines with he and their children. He'd get cards. Hell, he was AJ's friend, too - that entitled him to Holiday cards. Holiday cards that would consist of photos of their smiling faces, their happy faces with the children she's always wanted, the children he spoke of. The boys she wanted, the little girl he wanted to spoil.

He could give her those little boys. Hell, he'd give her the little girl she said she didn't want, though he knew she did.

He let out a cry of frustration, unable to even understand himself. How the hell had he gotten himself into such a predicament? He loved her. He'd die for her. Now, there was someone moving in on his territory and there was nothing he could do about it because he couldn't even gather the balls to face her. There was someone else who loved her, who would die for her, and he had no doubt that AJ would.

He was so glad the tour ended in two and a half weeks. The distance would be so good to him, be such a welcoming thing. He'd be able to walk without hearing how she was since she was across the world, be able to be photographed without her around with some sort of tabloid rumor involving the two of them yet again. He'd be able to live without the constant reminder of her ticking in his brain. He didn't have to worry about her anymore.

She made that very clear.



"All right, this is where we depart," Brian said, giving his sister a weak smile and dropping his bags down, tucking his ticket into the back pocket of his jeans. "Get over here and give me a hug or I'm not talking to you our entire tour."

She smiled weakly, tears warming up her eyes as she stepped into his opened arms, letting him hug her tightly, she returning it just as tight. "Be good," she mumbled against his shoulder as he laughed, "I'm serious. Don't tease your fans too much like you like to do."

"I should say the same thing for you," he said, placing a kiss to her temple as he pulled away, "behave. Cut JC some slack, all right? He's hurting, too. Just, don't get all soft and welcome a friendship with open arms like you would do."

"I'll try," she said softly, watching as he reached back for his ticket, picking up his bags. "I still need to go get these bags to claim. I'll call you later on tonight when we land, okay?"

She nodded. "Be safe, Brian."

"I will. I'll see you in Osaka. I love you, be careful."

She smiled, swiping at tears as she nodded once more. "I love you, too." Her gaze turned to the man standing beside her, fidgeting in his stance. "What, you think you're just gonna stand there and say nothing and just leave?" She crossed her arms, looking at him teasingly. "Do I not get a hug?"

"Obviously, you do," he said softly, letting his bags drop as he walked over, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and hugging her with every ounce of strength he had, she laughing aganst him. "If you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to call me - even if it's 4 in the morning and I'm just dragging my ass into bed. I'll be there as best as I can being so far away, but I will drop everything I have if you need me to. I will drop everything to be there by your side if it gets tough on you. Don't doubt that."

She nodded, burying her face into his shirt and inhaling deeply, his arms running gently up and down her back sweetly. "I know. And thank you. For that, and everything you said the other night. I don't think you understand how much that meant to me. How much you mean to me."

He pulled away, cupping her face and running his thumbs across her tears, ridding of them on her skin. "Probably as much as you mean to me, babygirl," he said softly, eyes studying hers. "Just remember: when you feel as if no one understands you, no one is there for you, I am. When it feels like no one cares, that no one loves you, I do."

She nodded, closing her eyes as he kissed her forehead. "Call me as soon as you can, okay? Tell me about the crazy stewardesses and the mishaps with peanuts."

He laughed. "Yeah, because everyone in my aisle will probably be wearing them when I'm done opening up the wrapper." He caught her gaze as he picked up his suitcases, winking as he slowly stepped away, straining his neck to catch a glimpse of her brother who was little ways down. "Behave, D. I don't want to come back and have to cart your ass away from JC's face or something after clawing his eyes out."

She nodded. "Okay."

"And I meant what I said before, D. Whenever you feel alone, know that someone does love you." He turned, walking slowly away as he handed his bags to a bag check man, turning and giving her one last wink before focusing solely on the people asking him questions.

Her heart pounded. Pounded so heard that she felt it in her ears, in her chest. "To be happy," she murmured, song lyrics immediately popped into her head, "you are all I need to make me happy ..."

She bit her lip. The first step in moving on was realizing it was time to. The second, was finding someone to move on with. The third was to catch him before he got too far away. "J," she called, voice barely croaking out, he stepping through the metal detectors and calling out to Brian with a grin as she walked quickly towards them. "AJ!"

She knew he was ignoring the name. He thought it was some frantic, paranoid fan. He continued walking to where he was almost out of her sight without standing on her tiptopes. She had to get to him, she had to get his attention. "Alexander!"

The black baseball cap that adorned his head that she clung to when he walked away stopped, slowly turning. "Audrina?" He put his bags down, not even worrying about them as he pushed his way through the crowd, going around the metal detectors as his body came into complete line of sight to her. "What's wrong?! Are you okay?"

"Alex," she said softly, eyes searching his, feeling the familiar lump in her throat grow as she got more nervous, he stepping closer to her with every breath she took. "I want to try."

He stopped, mid-step. "What?"

"I want to try this. With you."

"D, where is this coming from?"

She bit her lip, shrugging slightly. "I'm not sure, but I think from here," she said, putting her hand to her heart. "It's just really weary of getting hurt again ..."

He frowned a bit, shaking his head. "You know that'd be the last thing I'd want to do to you and your heart. I just, I didn't know you -"

She stepped into his body, holding onto his shirt with a hand as she stared at the fabric, trying to form words, fingers scraping against the hard skin beneath the skirt. "Well, now you do," she said softly, his hands hesitantly going to her arms and holding them, unsure of what else to do as she dragged her gaze up his chest and to his eyes. The intense gaze he gave her was one of confusion, one of adoration. How she had never caught that gaze was beyond her, perhaps because she was too stupid of a teenaged girl to see it, too stubborn. But she saw it now. She saw it.

She took a slow breath in, standing slightly on her tiptoes to reach his frame, pressing her mouth to his. For a moment, he stood, frozen, unsure of what to make of her actions. But slowly, he responded, one hand pressing in at the small of her back, the other cupping just beneath her chin. His lips were warm and moist from he licking his lips prior, molding to her dry, nervous ones. It sent a jolt down her spine as she pressed into him, holding his shirt firmly.

"Bone!"

He jumped against her lips as Brian's voice called for him to leave, he pulling away from her slowly, eyes still closed as he put his hand to his mouth. "Okay, so that was different," he chuckled, eyes fluttering open as he met Audrina's gaze. "A good different, but shocking, nonetheless." He ran a hand up and down her arm, still somewhat confused. "Let's just ... take this one step at a time, all right? I don't want you to dive into something when you're still nursing open wounds."

She nodded slowly, licking her lips and tasting the peppermint of the lifesaver he had been eating earlier on her lips, bringing a slight smile to her face. "One step at a time."

He nodded. "The first step," he murmured, ignoring Brian's calls for him to come on, eyelids dropping as he placed another kiss to her lips, it light, though lasting, he pulling away, "is being able to get through a tour without seeing you as often as I would like."

She chuckled, feeling the red crawl onto her lips. "We'll ... figure something out."

He nodded, placing a sweet kiss to her cheek. "Until then, I'll see you in Osaka."

She held her hand up, fingers slowly dropping in a wave as he hurriedly picked up his bags, Brian laughing from his spot just beyond the metal detectors, AJ having to get searched once more. Taking a deep breath, she turned on her heel, walking slowly out of the airport, sunglasses that were on top of her head now back on her face, hat over her head.

Once she got into the waiting car, she felt her heart start to beat hard again. She just kissed AJ. She now was involved with AJ McLean.

Oh, this was going to fare over well with the media.

"Hey, Brian, it's nice to see you again, man." His hand stretched out, slapping against the slightly older man's hand, they shaking in a friendly gesture. "Congratulations on Millennium and it's sales. I heard it is amazing."

A thankful smile came from the other man's mouth, he nodding. "You too, man, you too; heard a bit of yours. Liked it."

"Yeah, Joey was actually singing one of your songs the other day," JC chuckled, "it's really catchy. I can understand how it got to be number one for so long."

Brian beamed, both men turning and watching as a girl, petite, about 5'3", maybe an inch or so taller or shorter, approached, a broad smile on her face. "Hey, Rine."

"Kevin sent me looking for you. Said they're waiting for the interview now."

Brian nodded, slightly taken aback and forgetting about the other presence beside him. "JC, this is my baby sister, Audrina. Drine, this is JC Chasez."

He contained the laugh that was boiling in his belly as she thrust her hand out to shake his, sliding his into it. She was beautiful; definitely a Littrell. Her hair had been tied up, pinned and being held back away from her face by a headband, strawberry waves disappearing underneath the band and into the twist. She was small, built a lot like Britney to him, though he was sure Britney had a little more tone than her (at least, at the moment) and dressed in a lilac gown. "It's nice to meet you," he said, feeling his stomach lurch with nervousness at her touch and gaze. This was different. "What brings you to the Grammy's?"

"I'm Nick's date," she chuckled, glancing back at the blond who was now speaking to Howie, they both fidgeting nervously. "That, and supporting my brother, of course."

He nodded. "Yes, definitely."

"We better go," Brian said, putting his hand to his sister's back to lead her away, "it was good to see you again, JC."

"You too, Brian. And it was nice to meet you, Audrina!"

"You too, JC," she smiled, turning her head and locking a gaze with him that made his heart skip several beats. When she turned her head back to face the others, he turned, looking at Justin who had an amused look on his face.

"What?" He felt his face redden, though he acted innocent, trying to scratch at his cheeks to hide the sudden change in color."

"What? Man, you got the hots for a Backstreet sister!"

"I do not," he mumbled, Justin clapping him on the back as they walked in the opposite direction, he turning to glance back, smiling when he saw her looking his way. "Okay, so maybe I do ..."

"I knew you would. You aren't the first guy to fall for the Littrell."

"Huh?" He stopped, looking at Justin in curiosity. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Dude, she doesn't date. Brian's got a watch on every guy who's ever approached her."

He shook his head. "Nuh-uh, not me, man. I'll get the girl. Watch me."

Justin shook his head in disbelief. "All right, dude. Whatever you say."

"Watch me, Justin. Bet me."

"You and those bets. I'm not betting you just because you think you can get an untouchable."

"I can get her."

Justin grinned, patting him on the back once more. "You just keep telling yourself that."

"I will."


He awoke in a daze, the familiarity of home comforting him as he lie back down in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. It had been a rough few hours for him, especially after he made quick trip to the store and found a photo of Audrina and AJ gracing the front page of Us Weekly with the title calling out, Their NEW Romance! How it started! Behind their friendship! PLUS! How he helped her get over ex-lover JC Chasez! It taunted him. Taunted him so much that he bought it, intending to burn it. Burn it and perhaps put voodoo on any reporter who decided to try and make it harder on him than it already was.

But did he burn it? No. It was sitting in his lap when he fell asleep and was now nestled between his hand and blanket. Even in the moonlight, he could see the photo of AJ and Audrina, dated around the time she was in Osaka, her hands resting on his chest as he kissed her, she smiling against his lips and looking up at him.

From his understanding, they had been together for about two months at that time. It was fast approaching August, fast approaching his 32nd birthday, one day he was dreading, as usual and closing in on when she'd bring out a full-fledged tour for the entire world instead of gallavanting across Europe for press, radio interviews and small concerts here and there. Though, he knew, those were the most tiring, the most demanding. She was by herself most of the time, for the shows she actually performed, she went it alone or had an unsigned band opening for her, though he was supposed to be going with her.

He was also supposed to be co-lining the world tour with her.

When he told Johnny and the rest of their management that he was withdrawing from the upcoming tour, it would have been a lie to say that they were understanding. For weeks, Johnny threatened to do things, management threatened to back out of his new album's deal, leaving him to release it on his own expenses, but, after a long argument with Johnny a day or two before Audrina's blow-up, they caved. They agreed he should be working on his album and not helping promote something that wasn't his.

And then Audrina began dating AJ.

It almost made him want to take back what he said and go on tour. Almost.

He was jealous. Desperately jealous. But he knew that he couldn't hold her back from happiness because he wasn't it. At least, that's what he kept telling himself as he lie back down in bed, closing his eyes and letting sleep take over once more. Things had to get better. They just had to.


She let out a girly giggle as his hands led her behind the bus, grinning wildly as he pushed her against the side, letting his hands rest on either side of her head. "I can't believe you," she laughed once more as the grin stayed on her face, glued on as she studied his face, the greens of her eyes lighter than he remembered them being. "I can't believe you asked him for permission to date me!"

Shrugging as a menacing smile formed on his lips, he dipped his head, placing a warm and gentle kiss to her lips. "God knows I had to get through the brother to get to the good stuff."

"Good stuff, huh? Is that what I am?"

"Good stuff, hot stuff, full of stuff ..."

She rolled her eyes, the smile still there as the greens of her eyes deepened, reaching forward and bunching his shirt in her hands. "Well, I am not a pansy and I don't ask permission." She pulled him closer to her body, pressing her mouth against his as he laughed, letting his hands drop from the side of the bus and onto her face. She stood on tiptoe as she wrapped her arms around his neck, unable to get close enough to him as she melted against him, he pulling away and looking at her. "What?"

"Justin said I'd never get you," he said, "damnit, I wish he had agreed on betting me that I could ..."

"You bet on me?"

"Only if I could actually get you to date me."

"Whoa," she laughed, stepping away from him as her eyes twinkled, "who said I was dating you? I thought we were just making out?"

"Ha, ha," he mumbled, smiling slightly as she gave him a matching smirk, stepping away from him as he grabbed her hand, tugging her to his chest once more as she cried out, laughing when he buried his face against her neck. "It took me three months to get you, I'm not going to give you up that easily."

"You better not, Chasez," she said softly, voice murmuring against his skin and vibrating the sensitive spot below his ear, "because I'm worth chasing after. I'm a keeper."

"Or so your mom says."

"Yeah, ha, ha," she laughed, playfully gnawing at his skin as he squirmed. "You're just lucky it's nearing one in the morning and no one knows we're out here."

"Why? Curfew?"

"No. Overprotective brother who would basically behead you and then hang the remains as a wall decorative."

He grinned. "Point taken. A few more minutes?"

"I don't think a few minutes is going to suffice kissing you."

"I am a damn good kisser, aren't I?"

She rolled her eyes. "Maybe I should get Brian to reconsider ..."

"Oh, hell no," he laughed, jogging to catch up to her retreating form, grabbing her by the waist and tickling her, free hand sliding down to hers and lacing his fingers in the empty spaces of hers. "Reconsider and I'll spend another three months trying to get you to re, reconsider."

"Yeah, I'm worth that much."

"More than that," he grinned against her skin, standing behind her and rocking back and forth as her hands wrapped around her body, touching his skin gently. "Much more."

"Then promise me you won't give up easily on me if I run scared."

He nodded against her cheek. "I promise."

"Good."


This time, his waking up was sudden, breathing shallowly. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, willing the tears to go away as he shifted, the magazine crinkling against his side from his moving in his sleep. Opening his eyes quickly, heart racing and blood boiling, he reached between he and the mattress, yanking the magazine from beneath him and yelling in rage, hands going to either side of the magazine and tearing it in half, throwing it across the room as it crashed against the wall in a hollow thunk.

He promised to never give up on her. He promised he would stay by her side through it all. And yet, here he was, alone and not even on speaking terms with her. She had someone else standing beside her, holding her hand and making sure she was okay.

And it hurt. That was his job. He was supposed to make sure she was okay, that she would never hurt. But he betrayed that; he betrayed her. He stopped caring about love, stopped making sure she wasn't hurt when he walked out that door and ran out on her. He lost every right to be angry when he left her.

But had he lost his love?

It was a definite no. God, no. He knew it, she knew it, and he knew the rest of the world did, too. One day, maybe he'd prove it to her. One day, he'd prove that he was the only one for her. That no one else in this world was meant for her like he was. That no one in this world deserved her. That he did, regardless of his past mistakes. He'd spend his life making it up to her if he could.

If she would let him.

But she was happy. She finally began dating someone who treated her right. She finally had someone who wasn't afraid of what the future could bring for the two of them. This someone had been one of her closest friends and her brother's best friend.

He didn't want to suddenly show up and make her unhappy again; that'd be the last thing he'd want to do to her. One day, when the timing was right, he'd prove it to her. He'd prove that he'd be there through everything; that he'd be the only person she'd want to see the rest of her life. That he did love her and he did want a family. That she was the reason.

Timing was everything.



She sat in the waiting room of the doctor's office, eyes settled on the American magazine in front of her. She had begun having pains in her stomach, and Johnny refused to chance anything, sending her to the doctor for a check-up. She thought he was being slightly overprotective, jumping then she stubbed a toe, he felt he was being cautious.

"Anything could be dangerous for you, Audrina. You know it." He had said.

She hated that. She wasn't fragile, she wouldn't break over an upset stomach.

Their NEW Romance! How it started! Behind their friendship! PLUS! How he helped her get over ex-lover JC Chasez!

The *NEW* hot couple of Hollywood, Audrina Littrell and AJ McLean have made their rounds into every fan's heart, their story one that most can relate to: Boy meets girl, boy gains friend; watches girl get hurt by another man and becomes all that the girl had been looking for, never looking right under her nose.

"That's really how it started," a source claims. "He stepped back when JC came into the picture because he knew that though they were friends, JC offered her something that AJ couldn't: something different. She had been around him for so long that things seemed to just be repetitive. She was young, she wanted excitement, change. JC had that. He was the older man who had more experience but so much love for her that she was blinding by the failing future that they all knew would come. AJ had stepped aside and let her do what she needed to do, but when the time came, he was there when she needed him most."

Several stories have circulated that McLean actually admitted his being in love with Littrell on the night of the last blow-up between she and Chasez. "Basically, he just told her he had been in love with her from the start but tried to get over her when she got with JC. It worked for a while, but after they broke up, he realized that she was the reason why he couldn't keep relationships: he wanted her, no one else."

McLean and Littrell have known each other since Littrell was only about thirteen and he was fifteen. From the start, she was always intrigued by the one who liked to bend and more or less break the rules, the one who wasn't afraid of anything. She was quiet, only resorting to making herself heard when she sang. When she was signed to JIVE, he wasn't surprised at all. he loves her voice, he loves her. She's been the one solid thing in his life for a long, long time. It's refreshing to see him with someone who actually has a good head on her shoulders."

She didn't know what was wrong with her. She had a nagging feeling that had been floating above her head for the last few days that kept telling her to at least acknowledge JC again, to apologize and let him know she still worried and cared for him. Johnny had told her that he was pretty much to himself since the tour ended and had only written with writers a few times and had gone in once to record, it being the worst production time that he had ever witnessed.

She was worried about him.

But, she was moving on. She was happy. AJ treated her well, always made her smile. Of course, they were two completely different men so it was two completely different means of happy, but she was happy. He made her feel loved, wanted. He never hesitated to call to say he was thinking about her, never thought twice about making sure she knew he cared about her.

And then, JC. The more quiet one unless they were alone. A simple brush to her cheek, a simple look always told her how he felt. He didn't like to make his feelings out in public, would have rather done something of the extreme in private so that all the focus was just on the two of them. He told her he had loved her daily and every night before they went to sleep.

AJ was similar in the beliefs that not everyone had to see how they felt about each other in the sickening way that a lot of people did. They held hands, they'd kiss, but it wasn't anything to turn heads. Most times, when their photos graced the cover of a tabloid, it was in the midst of a peck on the lips, much like the cover that was on the magazine she had been reading in the waiting room, where he was in the middle of teasing her, kissing her to silence her giggles; or a photo of her body tucked into his as he held her. Nothing racy ever had made the press with the two of them. It never would.

Yeah, I know I said
We'd be better off alone
It was time that we moved on
I know I broke your heart
I didn't mean to break your heart

He pulled the paper away from her line of sight, folding it up and putting it in his pocket. "You have no idea what I feel."

"I don't?" She laughed, standing up and looking down at him, feeling powerful from where she stood. "You love her. You're mad as hell that he's got something you've wanted for the last eight years and had for six. You're jealous. Pissed that he may get the one thing you've decided you actually do want because you were too afraid to face it. You're angry at yourself for not telling her sooner how much you love her. Pissed that AJ finally said how he felt and it wasn't you she ran to at that airport and kissed. You're pissed that he's getting her all to himself after all this time and you're left with nothing but memories. Pissed that you couldn't gather the courage that day in her dressing room and let it all out. You're pissed that she's finally happy and you're not. Am I close?"

"Not even," he murmured, feeling his heart race. Had he been that evident? Was it written all over his face?

"Right, Chasez. Look, I didn't come here to throw this all in your face. I know that you're the one she'll talk to. I know she'll open up to you. There is something wrong and she's not telling anyone. Both AJ and Brian have called me to see if I knew. There's something in her eyes that she's holding back and they can't get her to spill. She keeps lying saying she's okay, but everytime she says that, it looks like she's going to break. If I didn't have to fly clear across the nation to be in New York tomorrow, I'd be on a plane going to Australia to corner her about it. But even if I did it, she wouldn't talk. She wouldn't talk to me like she talks to you. You're the only one who can get her to open up. There's something she's hiding."

"Maybe she's not hiding anything and just feels overwhelmed with all of the stuff going on," he said, she shaking her head as he arched an eyebrow, watching as she dug through her purse and thrust a piece of paper in front of him, he unfolding it with his eyes widening. "What is this?"

"Just look at it, JC."

He looked down, taking in Audrina's lost look on her face, took in how she stood, shoulders slumped, hands grasped together. "Where -" he stopped, taking in the sign behind her. "Hospital? What's she doing at a hospital?"

"They have a cardiac ward," she said, JC's eyes widening. "This was in one of the tabloids and I know that Brian and AJ don't look at that stuff, though I don't know if it's over there, anyway. I haven't told them, because I don't want this all blowing up in her face if she's just waiting on the right time to say something is wrong or that she just went to get checked over. But she was there. AJ said she had gone to the doctor, and since that day, she's been acting a little weird."

"And you want me to say something."

"Yes," she said, nodding. "I'm scared, Jace. What if something is wrong and she's hiding it from everyone? What if there's something wrong and she's holding it off? What if she refuses treatment? I can't see her dying -"

"Stop," he said, getting up and grabbing her shoulders. "She's fine. It's Audrina. She's fine."

"Do you not rememeber the last time she said she was fine? She ended up in the hospital. You ended up riding in an ambulance with her!"

"Okay, okay," he held his hands up, stopping her from going on, "I'll think of something. I'll ... I'll get to the bottom of this. I don't know why I'm agreeing to this, since she made a fool of me, but I'll think of something."

"You're agreeing to this because you love her, JC. You care about her just as much as we all do. Even if you're not with her, you've gotta save AJ from seeing the pain you did. He won't be able to deal with it, and you know it. He can handle her being sick, but if he knows that it's life-threatening, I don't know how he's gonna stand.""I don't want him to see that."

"No one does."

Sighing deeply as he followed Aundrea to the door, he gave her a small frown. "All right. I'll think of something, I'll talk to her. I don't know how much she is going to be willing to listen, if she even answers her phone, but I'll try. If it's serious and she's not letting anyone help her, hopefully, she'll listen to me and tell her brother, at least. He can help her. He's been through it."

Aundrea nodded. "I told you, she'll listen to you. Your opinion matters more than anyone else's -"

"God knows why ..."

"Because it's you, JC. You have always mattered, above all else. Just, get through to her, okay?"

He nodded. "I'll try."

"I'll call you sometime this week to see what happened," she said, turning to walk away. "Oh, and I'm sorry about hitting you."

He laughed slightly, shaking his head. "It's fine. I deserved it."

"Yeah, you did," she chuckled. "I'll talk to you soon."

He nodded, watching as she got into her car and drove away, he closing the door and sighing deeply. How the hell was he going to pull this one off?

She was at the hospital. Maybe it was just because of being sick. Maybe she had the stomach flu and the doctor's sent her there to get hydrated. Maybe ... maybe that's where the doctor was. In a clinic that the hospital had. Like the one in San Franscisco that he had been with her at when she had strep throat. Maybe that was it.

But maybe she was sick. Maybe something was going on with her heart and she was scared shitless. Scared shitless and hiding it all from everyone because she didn't worry them, in true Audrina fashion. Maybe they wanted to go in with the scope earlier than they thought to clear her valves. That wasn't too serious. Not serious enough to have her holding things back from her best friends.

Whatever the possibility, he had to get through to her. He couldn't lose her.

He sat back down, setting the crumpled music sheet down and smoothing it away, and jotting down another few lines.

I was lying to myself
Now I'm dying in this hell
Girl, I know you're mad
I can't blame you for being mad ...

She was in Sydney, and the only thing she had been able to see since she arrived was the hotel room and the inside of the waiting car each and every time she left for an interview. It had been so repetitive that she, herself could conduct the interview. The questions were all the same: pertaining to her taking time off, to how her health was now, to JC and finally settling on AJ.

The answers were always the same, too. "It was good to do. I got to focus on me and make myself better." "It's going good, I'm as good as I'll be with the Stenosis. They said I'm doing well and won't need the valve flush anytime soon, which I don't look forward to when it does happen." "He's a good guy. We just, drifted apart with the tour." "It's going as well as a new relationship would. He's been there for me and it's not surprising that the relationship-thing between us happened. I don't get to see him often, and that saddens me because I miss him."

She was pretty sure that if you opened every magazine that she had just done interviews for, they'd all be the same. Questions, answers, everything. Over the phone interviews were rushed, she didn't want to be on the phone longer than she had to, and though she didn't want to admit it, people were becoming skeptical of her sudden change in demeanor. She really couldn't blame them, though.

As soon as the news hit that she needed surgery, she became a different person, much like her brother did. She wasn't as social, wasn't as warm as she used to be. Simple conversations became a chore to her; a simple hello was forced as she tried to smile, yet failed most of the time.

Her last show was horrible. Not only did she feel off the entire time, she could not get her excitement level up and everyone knew it. The palpitations had begun again, medication doing nothing to keep them to a minimum, she feeling out of breath more during shows than she ever did.

All she wanted to do was sleep. She refused to talk to Aundrea, to Aubrey, in fear of falling apart and telling them exactly what was going on. Brian was still calling her nearly every hour, trying to get her to spill. Everyone knew something was wrong, but she was being stubborn, as she always was (something that had yet to change) and they couldn't get her to budge on it.

AJ, who in the midst of a four-day break with the Boys, flew down to visit her, though she knew a lot of his visiting was to see if she'd finally tell him something, anything. Most nights were spent just lying in silence, he holding her tightly as she fought back tears; others were spent with the two of them making love, he hoping that in the middle of the passion, when she was less inhibited, she'd say something. It never came.

He told her point blank the day he was leaving that he knew something was wrong, that he knew she was lying to him. Had she been unfaithful? Was she having second thoughts? Those questions rolled off his tongue as if they burned him, she having to take a step back in shock as she denied it all, reaching for his hand as he let her hold his, it limp in her grip. "I know something is wrong, D," he said softly, a hint of tears glassing over his eyes, "I just wish you'd let me in and tell me so that I could help you."

She shook her head, lips pressed together as she smiled. "I'm fine," she said softly, he sighing deeply in frustration and she stepped to her, lips pressed to her clammy forehead, hand holding the back of her head as his eyes dropped closed in surrender. "Alex, stop worrying ..."

"I can't help it," he said softly, pulling away and looking at her, still holding her head as he lowered to her eye level. "What did that doctor say to you, Audrina, huh? Is it your heart? Something with your stomach? Don't leave me in the dark, baby ..."

"I'm fine, Alex." Her voice cut short, signalling the end of that conversation. "You better go. They're boarding."

He sighed deeply, giving up again. "I love you," he said softly, she nodding as her eyes dropped closed as he pressed his lips to hers, warm and moist. "I love you. A lot."

Pulling away and still holding onto the hem of his shirt, she nodded. "I love you a lot, too."

"I'll call you when I land," he said softly, she nodding once more as he stepped away, eyes lingering on her for a moment as he tried to read her face, it pale and tired looking. "Love you."

"Be safe," she said softly, raising her hand slightly to wave him off, "I love you, too."

He disappeared within the mass of passengers, she turning and leaving. Her walls were crumbling; people could read her being troubled now. It wouldn't be long before hell broke loose.



He stared down at his phone as the familiar numbers looked back up at him, waiting to be sent to connect with the other line. After calling Johnny, getting the number of the clinic she had gone to, he found out there was indeed, something wrong, but that was all he could get out of them. He hadn't told Drea what he learned, knowing that it would freak her out and bombard Audrina's own phone, driving her to either turn it off or throw it out the window. Aubrey would leave threatening messages, Brian would basically threaten to disown her and AJ ... who knew what AJ would feel if he found out from him.

He had to do this. He had to call her, to tell her he knew there was something wrong. He needed her to tell him, tell him what the scenerio was so he could help her tell her family, her friends ... AJ. He knew, that after all these years of hurt and pain, this was what he owed her. She was owed a lot from his life, he probably forever in her debt until the day he died.

He hit send, letting it connect as he hit speakerphone, listening to it ring and ring, he beginning to think she would never answer when it clicked, silent for a moment before a groggy voice greeted him. " ... JC?"

Mentally hitting himself, he realize that it was nearing five in the morning, rather than nearing eleven at night like it had been where he was. "I'm sorry I woke you," he said softly, "I can call later on tomorrow ..."

"I'm up now," she said softly, he hearing her shift around. "What's wrong?"

His heart skipped a beat, he licking his lips. "Nothing is wrong with me, I just ... I needed to talk to you."

"Oh," she said softly. "I never thought you'd want to talk to me again after that day."

"To be honest, I didn't," he replied, a slight chuckle coming from her end, "but there is something that's on my mind and I need to get it through to you."

She was silent for a moment, he beginning to think she had nodded off. Though, as soon as the thought finished, she spoke. "What about?"

He took a deep breath, preparing himself for what could be a bad thing when she found out how he knew. "Your heart."

" ... What about it?"

"What did they say at the doctor's, Audrina?"

She scoffed. "They put you up to this, didn't they? Who was it? Brian? Bree? Drea? It can't be AJ because he's pissed off at me, and talking to you would probably make him even more pissed off at me ..."

"No one put me up to this," he lied, "I just ... " He trailed off, trying to think of an excuse to cover up Aundrea's concern, "I saw a picture of you in a tabloid going into a hospital that had a cardiac unit. I called Johnny just to see if you were okay and he said that you had gone to the doctor's the other day and that was the day they said in the magazine that you had gone to the hospital -"

"I'm fine, JC. The ... clinic was in the hospital."

"I know you're lying to me."

"I am not," she murmured, shifting yet again. "I'm not lying to you."

"I know the doctor sent you to the cardiologist," he said quickly, it spilling out like word vomit, "I know he found something wrong. I called and he told me!"

She was silent. He knew that he had gotten to her, probably on her wrong side, but he had gotten to her. "You called my doctor? How could you -"

"And then I called your cardiologist! He said you were going to be seeing him when you got home! Why are you keeping something from everyone, Audrina? What is going on? Are you dying?"

"No, I'm not fucking dying," she spat. "How dare you go behind my back and try and find out the root of all my problems! How fucking dare you! This is none of your business, none of your concern! I can't fucking believe you ..."

"I can't believe you!" He was seething now. "You're hiding something terribly wrong from everyone and if something happens and they don't know, they're going to hate you! They'll probably never talk to you! Aundrea is already scared shitless that you're dying and you won't tell anyone; Aubrey doesn't know what or how to make heads or tails of it; Brian is worried so bad that he's gotten himself sick and AJ! AJ is so paranoid that you're going to end up like Brian that he's been mentally preparing himself! It's been nearly a month since you went to the doctor's, Audrina. You can't keep doing this to yourself, to them! They have a right to know! They love you!"

"You don't know anything," she snapped, he met with a dial tone.

He sighed deeply, hanging the phone up and taking it off speaker, hanging his head low and pressing his fingers to the temples, feeling a headache coming on. That went exactly how he envisioned it going.

Getting up and sitting down on the cool floor, she pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, sending light bursts behind her lids with how hard she had been pressing. She had yet to call the doctor's, had yet tell anyone ... she was pushing off the inevitable and if she pushed it away any further, she was afraid of the consequences. What if she died? What if she pushed it off for so long that the hole just became her death sentence, if it wasn't already? If she died, no one would be able to forgive her for not telling them. Brian would blame himself, he knowing all the signs and feeling as if he ignored them; Aubrey and Aundrea would probably hate even the name that they were once connected with and AJ ... AJ would become a wreck. He had lost his grandmother and the world had ended for him. Losing her, the woman he loved for so long was sure to send him back down the road he had successfully turned away from.

And JC. He'd retreat with his tail between his legs, defeated. He had fought her disease alongside her for so long that it became a part of him. His depression would kick his ass, she afraid to even think of what would happen to him.

That was when she made her decision.



In the midst of straightening out his disaster of a living room after tearing it apart to rearrange and keep his mind off of things, having bought a new entertainment center and plasma television, he had an eerie feeling. Standing in the middle of his couch and lounge chairs that had yet to be pushed back to where he wanted them, he looked around, unsure of what to make of the feeling. Was it he, himself? Was someone breaking in? Someone getting into his car?

The hairs on the back of his neck stood, goosebumps prickling his arms as he cried out in sudden shock as the doorbell rang. Putting a hand to his chest to calm his frantic heart, he stepped through his mess, walking slowly towards the door. Pressing up against the door and peering out the peephole, his eyes widened at the face standing behind the door. "Rina?!"

The door quickly opened as he stood face to face with her lost one, eyes watering. "Audrina, what's going on?!" He grabbed her hand, pulling her into the house as she stood, arms crossed beneath her chest as she began to weep, his arms immediately finding their way around her body to hold her against him. "What's going on," he asked softly, pulling her into the living room and sitting them both down on the couch, he pulling away and tucking a hair behind her ear. "Aren't you supposed to be in Australia right now?"

She nodded, tears still falling as she looked down at her hands, they clasped in her lap. "I made Johnny cancel the rest of the promotional tour. There are some things a little more important ..."

"Rine," he said softly, hands beginning to shake at the completely devastated one before him, "tell me what's going on?"

"You were right," she said, still unable to look at him, "I went to the doctor's and they sent me to the cardiologist right after. I have Ventricular Septal Defect -"

"Brian has that ..."

"Yeah," she nodded, laughing slightly, "the one thing I never thought I'd get, I do."

"There's treatments though, right? I mean, you can get better and -"

"Of course," she said softly, shaking her head. "But I've been putting it off because I suddenly became shallow and didn't want the scar my brother has. I didn't want to be ugly ... I," she stopped, tears falling down her face, "I know it's bad to say, but I don't want to have the scar. Brian wears it with pride, but I'd ... I'd never be the same. How do you go on being a woman with a scar that goes clear down from the top of your chest?"

"The same way you always have," he said, swallowing the lump in his throat. She needed surgery. "Regardless of the scar, you'll still be beautiful," he said softly, she bringing her gaze up to him for the first time, "and I'm sure AJ would agree with me. God, Audrina, a little scar isn't going to change who you are or how we see you. It's going to signify that you are a fighter. That you went in to save yourself. That you care enough about yourself to get it fixed because you aren't ready to die yet."

"But what if I do?! What if something happens like it did with Brian? What if they go in for that three hour procedure and it ends up being six? Ten? What if they cut something that they weren't supposed to and I die? I can't die like that, I can't -"

"Would you rather die from something else?"

"Old age would be nice," she murmured, he reaching forward and taking her hand in his, "that's the only way I'd want to ..."

"Then get this surgery," he prompted, "fix your heart so you can live to be old. Fix your heart so the world can still have you around. I don't think you realize what would happen to everyone if something happened to you," he frowned, "what would happen to me if something went wrong ..."

"I'm sorry I came here out of nowhere ... I just didn't have anywhere else to go or anyone else to go to ... Brian and AJ are still overseas and Aundrea and Aubrey are in Florida ..."

"There's nothing to be sorry about," he murmured, pulling her in for a hug as she sighed deeply against his shoulder, "I'm glad you came."

"Me too," she said softly, sighing dramatically. "I called them all. Told them that I needed to talk to them when they came home -"

"When does he get home?"

"In a four days," she said, pulling away and swiping at her tearstained eyes. "I have to tell them all alone. I can't just tell them in one group. Especially Brian. I can't just come out with it and be like, 'hey! I need surgery! Yay!'. It won't work for him."

"If you want me to be there when you tell them, I will ..."

"Thanks, but no," she said, shaking her head and taking a shaky breath in, "I need to do this alone. Somehow, the thought of having you there with me is definitely calming, but it wouldn't be when I told AJ."

He smirked slightly, nodding in agreement. "All right, so ... what's next?"

"I go the cardiologist tomorrow to find out my options. If I need the surgery or the tube."

"Tube?"

"They want to flush my valve. But, I have a feeling it'll be the surgery with the tube. Then, I go to the specialist who will probably do my surgery. And then, I wait until my brother comes home. And then, I prepare myself for the war that will happen because I didn't tell them sooner."

"They'll understand."

"Brian may, but AJ won't," she said, shaking her head. "He knew something was wrong and he knew I've been lying to him. He's gonna be so hurt when he finally knows that i think I'm gonna need protective gear when his body explodes from anger."

"He's never ... hit you, has he?!"

She laughed, shaking her head, "no! He's just ... very emotional when he gets angry. He's gonna yell a lot. Probably slam the door to some room and refuse to even speak to me for a while. But I have to face it. I made the choice of not telling them until now."

"Okay, so ... what do you do now?"

"Now," she said, standing and surveying his living room, "we clean up this mess before I go all Danny Tanner on your ass."

"I was getting there until you came."

"Well, have no fear, the Tan-Man is here," she grinned as he rolled his eyes, he getting up and grabbing her hand. "What?"

"I'm glad you came," he said softly, her face softening at his remark. "I'm glad you came to me."

"Me too."

She had missed her couch. Soft, deep and oh-so welcoming as she lie on it, watching old home videos taken over the years. Most were when she had spent the summer touring with her brother as a teenager, back in the days when Kevin and the camcorder were nearly attached at the base and hand. This one in particular had been making her smile, it of them all backstage moments before the 'Backstreet chant', she standing next to her brother and burrowed beneath AJ's arm, they in the midst of a wrestling match as Kevin moved the camcorder over everyone.

"Say hello to our families," Kevin said, voice bellowing from behind the camera, "no profanities, McLean," he teased, AJ laughing as he headlocked Audrina, smiling goofily at the camera as she laughed, reaching for her brother for leverage as she pulled from his grip, laughing as Brian grabbed her, doing the same thing. "See Aunt Jackie, Uncle Harold? Your son is an instigator!"

Brian laughed as he released Audrina, she playfully pushing him as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, the chant beginning and she slipping out of sight. It had been a ritual for the group and crew, and she felt as if it were not her place to be a part of it, though she was a Backstreet sister.

"BSB, what time is it?"

"It's time for me to go work y'all!"

"What kind of work?"

"Hard work, uh!"

Her shrieks were heard from the camcorder as Kevin scanned to Brian, who was grinning and pointing in the other direction, Kevin moving the camcorder to where AJ had cornered her, dumping his bottled water on her head as she called mercy, he tossing the bottle backward and tackling her, her legs flying upward as everyone behind Kevin who weren't seen laughed hysterically.  Her laughter rang above all else as he tickled her, she calling for someone's help as he didn't let up.

"I can't breathe, Aje! C'mon, stop! Alex! Uncle, damnit!"

AJ laughed as he pulled away, taking her hand and helping her up, only to cry out as she jumped on his back, his form then a blur going past the camcorder as he ran down the hall with her on his back.

"I swear, they're a match made in weirdo heaven," Kevin mumbled, his now wife (but then girlfriend) Kristin laughing from behind him. "She's obviously Brian's kid sister, that's for sure."

"Hey!" Brian laughed as the screen focused on his face, only inches away from the screen. "Do I have something up my nose, because I - I can't see it ..." His voice trailed off as he tilted his head upward, acting as if he were looking into a mirror.

"Man, you Littrell's, I swear ..."

Brian grinned, Leighanne coming up from behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist. "It's showtime, baby! Frack, where you be, man?!"

The camcorder turned to look at Kevin, he doing his own little bit. "He may be my cousin, but I can still say I'm not related to him, right?"

"Hey!"

Chuckling, he looking upward at Brian, then back at the camcorder. "Actually, there's never a dull moment with a Littrell in the vicinity. When there's two, I swear the world may explode with their ... quirky personalities ... then you throw a McLean and a Carter in the mix and the world may as well be turned inside out."

"Ha, ha, Kevy," Nick's voice was heard then, he grinning and turning the camcorder back to his 'little' brother.

She barely heard the door open and shut, the quick footsteps coming from the foyer into the small hall and then into the living room. Her eyes continued to rest on the television, now watching the party that Nick had at his house for the release of Millennium, just twelve months after Brian had his first major heart surgery. It was another reason they were all celebrating: another successful album and a living brother and friend.

"Aw, come on, man!"

She laughed to herself, Brian standing in front of the camcorder with a goofy smile on his face. He had been in very high spirits since his surgery, his faith having a lot to do with his cheerfulness.

"What? Come on, what?"

"Show your battle wound!"

She frowned as she watched her brother lift his shirt up, tears welling in her eyes as she took in the still very purple scar. She didn't want that. She didn't want to have a battle wound. She didn't want to make a mockery of something that scared her so much.

The couch shifted, she turning and meeting the concerned gaze of the one that was still on the screen, talking about how many stitches, how many hours it all involved. "You canceled the rest of your promo tour," he asked, more of a statement than a question to her ears. "Why?"

"I had to," she said softly, eyes still on the television, trying not to meet his gaze again, "my doctor told me I had to. Too much stress."

An eyebrow raised as he swallowed a lump in his throat. "Doctor, as in C-Cardiologist?"

"That'd be the one," she said softly, watching as his hand appeared in front of her face, going down to the coffee table and taking the remote, demanding her complete attention. "Brian -"

"Is this what you want to talk to me about? To AJ about?"

Biting her lip, she nodded. "Yeah. ... Where is AJ?"

"He's here," Brian said softly, gesturing backward towards her bathroom, "actually came in first. I was on the phone with Leigh and getting another flight out to Georgia so he came in a little quicker."

"Oh."

"So, talk to me."

She opened her mouth to speak, stopping as she heard her brother's sad voice on the tv.

It was supposed to be a four-hour procedure and it ended up being six. They had a lot of difficulties with my heart. Apparently, I've got a heart made of steel ..."

"We're just glad you're okay, man. We were worried about you for a while."

"Man, don't worry about me. The only Littrell you've gotta worry about is the little monster I call my sister," he grinned. "She's gonna be the troublemaker, I promise. Just give her a couple years."

"She's not a monster," Kevin laughed, "she's just ... AJ's clone in a woman's body."

"I refuse to think of my eighteen-year-old sister as a woman," Brian chuckled, sticking his tongue out in disgust. "She's forever going to be five to me. Innocent and harmless."

"You go ahead thinking that, and when she marries and gives you nephews and nieces or whatever she decides to pop out, you can be the one to explain to her why she's your monster."

"She's always been my monster," he argued. "First, my chunker munker as a baby and then my monster after all the noises she would make when she was learning to walk. She sounded like a little monster."

"She's not learning how to walk, Rok."

"She will forever be learning something to me, Kev," he grinned, glancing back as her screams were heard, Nick and AJ both swinging her into the deep end of the inground pool. "Like how not to trust them around a pool."

"She should be the teen idol. Breaking all those guys' hearts."

"Why are we talking about my sister's attractiveness?"

"Because she's the only Littrell child that has it?"

"Yeah, you're funny, Kev." Brian rolled his eyes, still smiling. "Ah, but I am a proud brother. She's always been there when I've needed her. Especially the last year. She's probably a lot of the reason I didn't go crazy, too."

"She's good for that."

"Yeah, and I hope I can do the same for her if something should ever happens and she needs me."

"Do you need me?"

She turned her head, looking at her brother as his eyes stayed glued to hers, he blindly turning the television off. The room had darkened dramatically, the only light a table lamp in the far corner by the bookcase. "What?"

"Has something happened to you," he asked softly, repeating himself again, "do you need me?"

She heard AJ's feet against the hardwood floor as she shuffled into the room, catching his gaze and swallowing hard, willing the tears that were beginning to form to stay at bay. "Yes. I do need you."

Brian scooted closer to her, she still lying down, her feet resting in his lap. "What's going on, Rina? Talk to me. Talk to us."

AJ came into the living room fully, lifting her up gently and sitting behind her so that she was in a sitting position, leaning partially on him as his hands held her at her waist, being her silent support from behind her. "What's happening to you, baby?" He asked quietly, his eyes meeting Brian's from over her shoulder. Brian had aged significantly since he had gotten the phone call from Audrina the day before. They had been wrapping up their promos when news broke that Audrina had canceled the rest of her promotion due to 'undisclosed reasons' and wouldn't be making them up, her world tour also being postponed until further notice. It sent all four men into an uproar, Howie on the phone trying to get in touch with Johnny as AJ and Brian went through scary scenerios, freaking themselves out more than they wanted to be. Nick, the former 'child' of the group, played the comforter, holding both brother and boyfriend together as they finally got a hold of Johnny, he telling them that she had withdrew and was going home to deal with 'issues' that he had not wanted to discuss, to leave it to her to tell them.

A heart-wrenching sob escaped her throat as her head dropped, Brian squeezing her hands gently as AJ leaned fully into her, placing his head to her back, Brian's hand going to her head to calm her. "Talk to us, Audrina. Tell us how we can make this better ..."

"I may as well have not come back to music," she said finally after a moment of her trying to gather herself, "I may as well have dug myself into an early grave and gave up ..."

"Rina -"

"I have a hole in my heart, Brian," she said, he gasping loudly as AJ tensed against her, "they did an ECHO. My heart is enlarged and they think it's putting a lot of pressure to the hole. It's enlarging my heart and -"

"They want to do surgery."

She nodded.

"Open heart?"

Again, a nod.

"Oh, God, baby," AJ lifted his head, placing a kiss to the place between her shoulder blades and then to her head, eyes shut tightly as tears fell. His eyes met Brian's again, his own heart breaking at the terrified look on his face, a heavy waterfall of tears falling down his face. Brian was breaking just as quickly as Audrina, he feeling her body shake against him. "It's gonna be fine, all right? You're gonna get through this, just like Brian did and you'll be good as new."

Brian had pulled himself closer to her, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly, brother and sister weeping together. AJ, who still had no idea what to do, even after experiencing the same thing ten and four years ago, leaned into her once more, wrapping his arms completely around her and over Brian's back, the three of them sitting on the couch in a ball of tears.

"It's gonna be okay," Brian murmured, voice shaking with tears, "we're going to get through this. I'm not letting you go anywhere ..."

She nodded, lifting her head to rest on Brian's shoulder, one arm going around him and the other reaching back, gripping onto AJ tightly.

"It could be more of a simple procedure than mine," Brian said, hope filled in his voice, "maybe they just need to go through with a tube and -"

"The doctor wants to crack my chest," she mumbled, words echoing in her head from the appointment she had that morning, JC being her support before anyone had come home. "They're going to use a heart and lung machine because of how the hole is centered in my heart and -" she stopped, voice quivering, "I'm so scared ..."

"It's all right to be scared," Brian said soothingly, "I was scared, too. But I got out of it fine, and so will you. I don't know how many times I will say it, but it'll be okay, because I'm not letting you go. I'm not letting God take my baby sister."

"I refuse to let you go without a fight," AJ said, voice murmuring against her skin, wet tears warming her back as she pulled away from both of them, facing forward so that she had equal vision of both of them, both men instantly grabbing a hand, leaning into her as she sat, quiet. "How long have you known?"

"Long enough for you to be mad at me for lying to you," she said softly, both men stiffening up next to her. "I'm sorry, I just ... I didn't know how to face it myself, how could I have faced it with you? How could I have told you when I refused to even acknowledge it? After a while, I started believing it myself. And then the palpitations started taking over and I couldn't even perform without being winded. I started relying on the oxygen machine more than I wished and I finally gave up. I called Johnny and told him I wanted to go home. I told him I needed to deal with personal issues that would render me dead if I didn't. He immediately got me a flight home and I somehow ended up on JC's doorstep ..."

"JC," AJ repeated as she nodded. "You're talking again?"

"He called me the night before I caved," she said softly. "He ... cornered me the best he could over the phone and scared me. Then I woke up with a text message from him and I couldn't take it anymore. I threw up, I started shaking, I drove myself crazy thinking that I was going to slowly die and you were all going to hate me because I refused to tell you."

"So he knew first," Brian asked, she looking over at him and nodding. "Only because my going to the cardiac unit wasn't as hidden as I thought," she said softly, "that's why he called me: to ask if I was okay."

"I wish you would have come to me first," Brian said softly, "but I guess I understand. I mean, maybe I don't, but ... it could have been me. Or AJ ..."

"I didn't know how to tell you," she said softly, "either of you. It felt like a repeat of last time. I knew how you'd react, Brian ... and I knew how you'd react, J. JC was there when I got diagnosed for the first time and I knew he could handle it. I'm sorry it wasn't either of you, but that's how I felt I needed to deal with it ..."

"When are you going in for surgery?"

"August 22nd."

"Howie's birthday," Brian said softly as she nodded. He got up, raking a hand through his hair. "I gotta go call Leigh, tell her I'm not coming in when I thought. I need to be here with you ... "

"That's crazy, Brian," she said softly, getting up and wiping tears from her eyes as she stood in front of him, his blue eyes looking gray to her from his tears. "You don't need to be here for that long. Your son misses you, your wife misses you ..."

"My responsibility lies here right now," he said, shaking his head and placing his hands on her shoulders. "Leigh can come up here. I just, I need to be up here with you. I need that piece of mind."

"Okay," she said softly, he turning and disappearing back outside, she turning to look at AJ who still sat on the couch, eyes glued to the floor. "Aje ..."

Holding up his hand, he got up, stepping to her as she stepped slightly back, surprised at his sudden closeness, his breath felt against her skin. "I need to know that this is the only thing you're holding from me," he said softly, "I need to know that there aren't any other secrets."

Her eyebrows knitted in confusion. "Of course not, why would you even think that -"

"Because right now, I don't know what to think," he said, voice rising slowly with every word he spoke, "you lied to me, D. You kept a secret from me. A big secret. How could you keep that from someone you supposedly loved? If you love me at all ..."

"Are you mad?!" She stepped back, watching as the emotions washed over the deep browns of his eyes, "of course I love you! I love so much that it scared me to even tell you because I didn't know if we're get to have a long-lasting relationship together! Why do you think I kept this from you, huh? Not because I didn't want to tell you, but because I didn't want our relationship to suddenly be a pins and needles one after I dropped that bomb! I wanted to know you were loving me because you loved me, not because I am sick!"

"Jesus, D, I'm gonna love you regardless," his hands dropped in slight defeat, eyes studying hers. "I don't know what I'd do without you in my life somehow ..."

She smirked. "Well, lucky for you, you've had fifteen good years with me."

"I'd like to have another fifty," he said, voice quiet as she frowned. "Don't scare me like this again, all right? I ... I don't know what I'd do if I lost you, too."

She stepped into him, placing her head to his chest and holding tightly to him for dear life. "I know what you'd do," she said sadly, "and I'm not gonna let that happen to you."

He squeezed her tightly. "I'm going to go up and lie down for a bit. All this ... nonexcitement has given me a headache. You coming up to bed soon?"

She nodded. "I'm going to go talk to Brian ... then I'll be up."

"Okay." He stepped away, leaning down and pressing his lips to hers, hands cradling her face as she melted into him, the kiss passionate and warm. "I love you," he said softly, hand smoothing down her face as she smiled weakly, he stepping away and towards the foyer, heading towards the stairs to her bedroom.

She walked slowly behind him, watching his form ascend the stairs. "J?"

He turned, catching her small smile. "Yeah?"

"I love you, too."

His smile was warm as he turned, disappearing down the hall towards her bedroom, the click of her bedroom door echoing in the high ceilings. She stepped towards the front door, heart dropping as she heard something she had not heard from her brother in so long. "Brian?" Her voice was just below a whisper as he sat on her stairs, face buried in his hands, elbows resting on his knees, sobs escaping through his hands. "Brian ..."

He jumped at her voice, hands dropping as he frantically wiped away his tears, turning to look at her. "Hey. Leigh will be here in two days and -"

"Brian, stop -"

"Baylee misses you like crazy. Kept asking about Aunt Drinie -"

"Brian, stop." She grabbed his hands he finally stopping to look at her. "I'm going to be okay. You said so yourself. We just gotta keep that mentality going and pray. You remember how to pray, don't you?"

He frowned at the slight tease in her voice, he being the more religious one of the two. "Don't tease me, Drina. That's not funny ..."

"Okay, so it wasn't," she said softly, reaching over and pulling him into a hug. "We could pray though, right? That's what you do when you feel as if there isn't any other choice -"

"I pray daily, Drina. I've prayed for you since you were born."

"Then, we pray for each other this time," she said softly, he looking at her in bewilderment. "What? Just because I didn't release a Christian album doesn't mean I don't pray! C'mon now, B-Rok."

He chuckled slightly, wiping his eyes and wrapping an arm around her shoulder as she sank down on her steps, he sitting down next to her. "So now what?"

She looked over at him, the serious look on her face surprising him. "We pray."

He turned 32 today. In the midst of all the commotion with Audrina, he had completely forgot. It wasn't until she handed him a small wrapped box and wished him a happy birthday as she got out of his car that he had remembered.

The doctor had been very blunt and to the point from the moment they got into the office. It wasn't life-threatening, yet. But it was serious. He knew she had things to tie up and gave her a two week window to decide when she wanted to go for the surgery. Open heart surgery. It was like a large, hard punch to the stomach as he heard the words, he licking his lips and shaking his head. Of course, she chose to have it the last day they would allow her, two weeks from the 8th, the 22nd.

The doctor, as he spoke of the surgery, said they were going to a median sternotomy, something that didn't sound as bad as it was until he looked at her, confused. Her face was pale, the doctor answering the unspoken question for him: chest cracking. A vertical inline incision that is made along the sternum, then, once they reach the sternum, the chest is divided, or what most people know from watching medical shows such as House and ER, cracking the chest.

But, he noted, it wasn't going to be done unless the heart itself showed signs of distress while on the cardiopulmonary bypass machine. The heart and lung machine. He knew that. The machine that doctor's used to keep blood flow regulating while the heart wasn't beating. Basically, the person is dead, with just the machine making them live and rely on the machine to keep the flow. They'd cut the pericardium tissue to get to the damage and repair it as quickly as they could. Hopefully, the procedure wouldn't last more than the projected 2-4 hours. If worse comes to worse, they'd have to do the median sternotomy to be able to reach the entire heart, but it hopefully, they prayed, would not have to go that far.

The scar, as Audrina had asked, would run right down her chest, though closer to her left breast than right. With technology and money, the scar would be minimal she'd not have to worry about scarring like Brian had.

She cried as soon as they left the office, cried the moment she signed the papers that the doctor's needed for the hospital stay. Cried when they got into the car and cried into his arms as he let her, holding onto her tightly and just trying to soothe her the best he could. Telling her it would be okay, was like an empty promise to him. He didn't know, and if she wasn't, he didn't want to hate himself for saying something that may or may not be true.

He dropped her off an hour later after they ate lunch, the box she had given him resting in his lap the entire ride home, now resting in his hands as he untied the bow, opening the top of the box and laughing aloud when he pulled out a Pepe the King Prawn keychain, leaning back into bed and holding the keychain against his fingers. She was one of a kind.

"I can't believe we're watching Muppets From Space," he murmured as she curled up next to him, grinning triumphantly. "I can't believe you talked me into this."

"I have loved the Muppets since I was little. I couldn't pass this up when I saw it at Wal-Mart."

"I can see the headlines now," he chuckled, "instead of you going out and buying pregnancy tests and alcohol, you're out buying Muppet movies."

"I love Pepe. Don't knock it until you've watched it."

Though he had to admit the movie was entertaining (he laughing every so often), it was more entertaining to hear her quote the movie as it went along, even lowering her voice for the male muppets and raising them for Miss Piggy and any other given female muppet.

"I am not a shrimp! I am a KING PRAWN!"

He laughed at her imitation, shaking his head and placing a kiss to her temple. "I think Pepe may be my favorite muppet."

"Why?" She asked, turning to look at him with a raised eyebrow. "Because he's dressed in a ballerina's tutu?"

"No, because he brings out the kid in you. Well, that and the ballerina costume."

She grinned. "I'm gonna remember that. Just you watch."

And she did.

He smiled, surprised when he blinked back tears as he stared back at the little keychain, the fuzzy little shrimp (er, King Prawn) a blur as he sniffed, tears falling slowly down his cheeks. Would she live long enough for them to be able to watch it again? Would she live long enough for him to be able to tell her how much he did care about her? That those crazy little movies meant something to him because it meant he got to be with her for just a little longer?

A small sob came out of his mouth as he squeezed the keychain in his hand, bringing the closed fist to his forehead. He wanted her to live, he wanted her to be happy and have babies ... just like she wanted. Hell, let her be with AJ if it meant she'd live. He knew Brian had the procedure, but every time is different than the other. What if they punctured her heart? What if she never made it to the surgery because something happened? A valve burst? Her heart died? He wouldn't be able to live with himself if she died without her knowing how sorry he really was. It was killing him slowly, killing him even more than seeing her with AJ was.

He had nothing against AJ. But when he looked at them, he knew that AJ was meant to be the one to pick her up after her fall. He wasn't meant to be with her. He was. Audrina was it for him. It was sad that all these problems caused him to stop and look at their situation, to stop and realize so much that he should have said when they were closer, before she blew up on him. He should have told her he loved her the day in the dressing room and didn't let Lucy or Audrina stop him from doing so.

He loved her. God, did he love her. He felt like a lovelorn man who should be sitting outside her window, serenading her with the acoustic guitar, pulling a Casanova-type move. But he wasn't one to break up a happy relationship. He wasn't going to do that. If she still loved him the way he loved her, she'd come around. If she wanted to be with AJ, then he'd have to step down and let her be happy with him.

It didn't mean he'd have to be happy about it.

"Johnny wants to put me out on a club tour," AJ said softly as he slid into the seat across from her at the small diner, they both trying to keep eye contact with patrons minimal to keep the craze down, they already being recognized and talked a good bit about in hush-hush tones.

"You?" She raised her mug to her mouth, sipping her hot tea slowly and watching him nod in response. "Without the guys?" Again, a nod. "I think that's great, AJ; why are you not as enthused?"

"I don't know. I mean, I am, but I feel as if I shouldn't be leaving them behind ... especially now ..."

"You mean me," she said, eyes gentle as he sighed deeply, nodding. "Aje, I'm gonna be okay, I promise you."

"I know, I just feel as if I'm throwing all this stuff on my plate without even thinking about it. I want to be able to spend time with you and not worry about what city I have to be in, how far away I am from you ..."

"Well, when does it start?"

"He wants me to perform at the House of Blues in Anaheim in four days."

Choking on her own air, she looked at him with wide eyes. "Four days? That's ... that's a short time to prepare in!"

"Well, I did do those solo shows earlier this year so I'm not exactly rusty," he noted, shrugging, "I just, I don't want to go if you're not there with me."

She smirked. "Are you asking me to come along with you, Alexander?"

He looked down at his fingers, picking at his cuticles before looking back up at her, voice soft. "Maybe," he replied, eyes studying her face, "I mean, if you want to. You don't have to, I just thought that maybe -"

"I'd want to come?"

"Well, yeah." He toyed with his napkin, ripping it in long strips and rolling it so that it'd curl back upward. "I mean, I know there's going to be a lot going on in the next two weeks and I just want to be around you as much as possible because I know how you are when you are recouperating ... "

She smirked. "I'm a big loner, this, I know."

Reaching over the table and gripping her hand, he sighed deeply and cast his eyes to the table. "I may seem like I'm being clingy; it's because I am. I'm trying so hard to be the doting boyfriend and all I can help but do is feel like I'm standing here with my invisible tail between my legs."

"Why?" She asked softly, eyes studying the top of his head as he shook his in response, "there's no reason for you to have to try and be the strong one, AJ. It was an inevitable thing that happened, and I should have known it would happen ... being that it happened to my brother. I guess, that I was just trying to act as if nothing was there and when it finally appeared, it took us all through a loop. There's no reason for you to try and be this big wall for me to lean on. I just need you to hold me when the time comes and assure me that it's going to be okay. Let Brian be the wall. I just want your arms."

He looked back up at her, eyes sad. "You've always got my arms."

She smiled weakly, smile widening when a song began to play in her head. "You know what would make my entire day?"

"What's that?"

"If you sang my song at your shows."

"Your song?" He looked at her, confused. "What's your so -" stopping mid-sentence, he looked at her, eyes wide and shaking his head. "Oh, no. Not that one. I haven't sang it in years."

"And what a better time to bring it back for your sick girlfriend."

"You're not sick ..."

"All right, diseased girlfriend."

He was silent. "Why do you make jokes about it? This is serious, D."

She felt her heart sink, seeing the sad expression that graced his otherwise strong face. "I guess it's just a defense mechanism; so I don't have to face reality."

"Audrina -"

"Because I'm scared as hell," she said softly, his face paling at her admittance. It hadn't been said since the first day, since then she making cracks about the surgery itself and her heart, bothering everyone else, but not, as it seemed, herself. "Because I'm afraid of lying on that table and flatlining and never seeing what my life could be five, ten years from now. Because, sitting here with you is the one thing I'm grasping without worrying if I'll ever be able to do this again with you after that surgery. If I die, I'm never going to see my brother again. I'm never going to see my family, the Boys, JC ... you. I don't want to live the days up to the surgery as if they're my last. I want to be oblivious. I want to be normal. I have not been normal for the last eight years of my life. Especially the last four. I want to have normalcy: a normal conversation not consisting of surgery, not consisting of what medications I have been taking. I want to be able to talk to my boyfriend about this club tour without him worrying about me. I want him to ask me to come with him for the first few dates because he wants me to go; not because he's worried if he leaves he won't see me alive again."

He frowned, releasing her hands and sliding out of his seat and into the booth beside her, arm going around her shoulder as he pulled her close to him. "Of course I want you to come be with me," he murmured, nuzzling his face into her hair as he kissed her head softly, "I want to be with you every second of the day because of who you are and what you mean to me. There isn't any doubt in my mind about that." His grip tightened as she leaned into him, head tucked beneath his chin as he stared out the window, watching as the soft beginnings of rain splattered against the large window. "Come spend the first few dates on tour with me," he said softly, "and then after your little break, the rest of it."

She nodded, he pulling away and smiling down at her. "So talk to me," he said, she lifting her head up to make eye contact with him, "tell me about this commercial you and Brian are doing this afternoon."

"It's a The More You Know commercial in between NBC and their special on Cardio-Vascular Procedures," she said, picking up her drink and sipping slowly. "Basically, he and I are giving facts about heart disease and how it affects people and why people need to focus more on it than they do."

"It's a good idea," he nodded, looking down at his watch. "What time you have to be there?"

"Noon."

He sat there, silent as he watched her twirl her straw in the water she had, frowning. She was thinking about it; he saw the pain flash in her eyes, saw the color drain from the rose of her cheeks. He spoke to himself mentally, willing to get the subject changed and onto something lighter, something that would get her mind off of the evidential. "So 'Lay Down Beside Me', huh?" He cleared his throat, watching as she lifted her gaze to his eyes, grin slowly twitching at the corners of her mouth as she nodded, he shaking his head in disbelief. "It couldn't be 'If You Knew What I Knew' or even 'Hey, Mr. DJ'?"

"Well, you can play those songs too," she grinned. "I wouldn't mind. Especially 'Hey, Mr. DJ' if you decide to ... lift up your shirt and gyrate like you used to."

"Audrina -"

"God, I felt like I needed to take a cold shower every time I watched you from the green room."

"Drina!"

She laughed. "It's true. You had a sexy body, McLean. Those hip indentations? That stomach? Gah!" She grinned as the red rose to his cheeks, she embarassing him for the first time in a long time. "And when you humped the floor? Good god, I needed a mop or something ..."

"Audrina," he chuckled, hand covering his face as he looked down, shaking his head in disbelief. "You seriously are messed up."

"It's in the Littrell code of honor," she grinned, "making asses out of you so we save our own."

"What ass? You don't have one!"

"I've got more than you!"

He grinned, shaking his head in disbelief. "Now I know why you're with me: just so you can see me seduce the floor and strip in front of other women."

"If I wanted that, I would have dated a stripper."

He laughed hard, she grinning widely as he fought to control himself, hands flat against the table. "God, I love you."

"I know."

"Totally wasn't the response I was looking for," he grinned, her smile matching his own. "But I guess that will do."

"Obviously, I love you," she said, voice softening a relatively large amount as he suddenly stopped laughing, hearing the tone that had appeared in her voice. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Ah, I do," he grinned, "make some other guy crazy."

"I'm serious, J."

He licked his lips, nodding. "I know you are."

"You mean the world to me. I don't think I could have gotten over a lot of things if it had not been for you."

"You're worrying me a bit, Drina," he said, scratching his head in confusion, "I've gotta admit this is all a little weird to hear out of the blue."

"I just wanted you to know that," she said softly, he nodding. "You're my everything."

He smirked, this time, song lyrics going through his own mind. "You're the reason why I found my way. And you're the reason why I feel this way. And you're the reason why I have to say - I had to let you know, you're my everything ..."

"Stop quoting that song," she laughed slightly, "I was being serious."

"Let's skip the serious," he said, getting up and fishing out money, putting it on the table and grabbing her hand, tugging her out of the booth as she looked on questioningly. "Let's skip the talk all together," he murmured, she screeching as the cold raindrops fell onto them, laughing when they reached his Land Rover, he pushing her up against it out of view of everyone else but the empty highway, mouth pressing against hers as she melted into him, chest flush against his.

The kiss was warm despite the cold of the water, his hand palming her cheek, fingers gripping the back of her neck as she pressed against him, hands gripping the fabric of his quickly drenched t-shirt, shivering against the different temperatures hitting her body. His other hand was resting beneath the hem of her own shirt, fingers gently squeezing her skin. Pulling away slowly, the rain falling down their faces as they blinked away whe drops on their eyelashes, he licked his lips, eyes slowly fluttering shut when she leaned her forehead against his. "I love you, D."

His voice was soft, being nearly taken away by the rain as the slow smile formed wider on her face, hands still holding onto his body, clothes now soaked through from the pouring rain. "I love you, Alexander."

"I'm gonna be there for you, Audrina; through everything. Don't ever think that will change, because it won't. This is just another hurdle that we've gotta jump. Once we clear it, we'll be fine and we'll go on with the life we were living ..."

She nodded. "I know. I planned on it."

"Good. Now, let's get into this damn car because this rain is freezing!"

"Pansy!"

He laughed, getting in and locking the door as she called out in surprise, unable to get in. Within a few seconds, he unlocked it, she hurriedly getting in and slamming the door. "I can't believe you," she mumbled, another laugh escaping her lips as he grabbed her hand, pulling her in for another kiss. "You know, they're going to arrest us for too much PDA or something."

"Let 'em," he said, shrugging as he pulled away, smirk on his face. "Just as long as you are my cellmate."

"Why?"

"Because no one else is claiming me as their sex bitch," he chuckled, starting the car and blasting the heat as she grinned from beside him. "Let's go home, shall we?"

"Let's."



"You went over your lines?"

She cast her eyes over to Brian who had been sitting in the make-up chair next to her, she nodding as the woman before her brushed powder onto her nose and forehead. "What about you?"

"Piece of cake."

"Piece of white cake."

"With mom's icing," Brian added, both siblings making a sound of want when the favorite treat their mother made crossed their minds. "God, what I wouldn't give to have some of that right now ..."

"I know how to make it, Brian. We can have some."

"I don't think you understand: I'd eat the icing in the bowl it was made in. I'm a woman when it comes to that, I have no shame."

"You're a woman anyhow."

"Funny, chick."

"Hey, you're the one that said it, not me."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, hand reaching over and swatting at her own that was resting on the arm of the chair. "How are you doing?"

"Fine," she said, eyeing him wearily. "Just ... perfect."

"Good," he said, voice trailing off. He had forgotten that they were not releasing her condition to press to alleviate the stress that was already on her, management and the record company agreeing that the quicker she recovered, the better the results of having people not know were. She was excused from her promotional tour for a 'better world tour', as the record company had released the day before, stating that she decided that she'd add the dates of the promotional tour to the end of the world tour, not forgetting about the last few cities that she hadn't gone to before she left.

As he looked at his sister in the mirror, he couldn't help but frown. She was probably a lot of the reason he had worry lines by his eyes, worry being the only thing going through his mind the past few days. What he didn't understand was how he hadn't noticed it and the signs of trouble with her. Now, it was evident, especially to those who had seem him go through it. Her skin was ashen, eyes dark. Her weight had suddenly dropped, the cause of stress to her, but still a dramatic thing when she was already tiny enough. To him, it looked like her hands were retaining water again, and though she denied it, he couldn't help but worry and wonder if something was going on in her body that she didn't even know was happening.

It had happened to him; it wouldn't be surprising if the same thing happened to her.

"You guys ready to go through it a few times?"

He broke out of his thoughts, watching as Audrina slid off of the make-up chair, he forcing a smile as he got up and followed her to the familiar set he had seen on NBC numerous times during the later evening shows, primetime, if he recalled correctly. Audrina, who was dressed in a black pair of pants and a button-up blouse that was a light green, making her eyes pop even more, was wearing the necklace he had specially made for her after she was diagnosed the first time, it a ruby encrusted heart that hung just below her collarbone. She looked exhausted, shoulders slumped and eyelids seemingly heavy as she listened to the director as he pointed out various cameras. Her attention seemed to have halted as they called him over, he unable to keep his attention on them either, they fully on his sister.

As they stepped away to prepare for the first run-through, he stepped to her, eyes worried. "You okay?"

She nodded. "I'm just tired. I've been tired for the last two days. Just lack of sleep, probably. I'll be fine once that coffee kicks in."

He nodded, still weary. "All right. But if something doesn't feel right, you'll tell me, right?"

"Mmmhmm," she said, yawning deeply as the director laughed, cueing them to take their places.

In the next week or so, the commercial would be viewed by the millions of viewers that NBC took in daily. In the next week, people would be watching brother and sister, both of whom battled heart disease themselves. No one would be aware that one of the two siblings would be going under the knife the next week for a life-threatening problem; no one would be aware that though the words he spoke were for everyone, he meant them for her. This was his sister and he'd fight for her life if he had to.

"Action!"

He stood on the side, listening to his sister as she spoke to the camera, voice soft, eyes deep as the camera focused on her. There was no doubt she hadn't rehearsed what she had to say, but what did it matter? She was a statistic, she didn't need to know what she already knew.

"Ladies, this one is for you," she began, voice almost cheerful as she brought attention to herself, "picture yourself and two of your closest friends. Picture the times when you are laughing, crying, enjoying the memories you are making. Now, fast forward to a year from now, several years from now. One of your friends aren't around anymore. That's right. One in three women will die of heart disease in the United States alone. Not breast cancer, heart disease. You can help prevent this from happening to you, your friends and family by being knowledgable and visiting the doctor regularly. Taking care of your body and eating healthy, ridding it of organ meats, fats, processed food and that beloved nicotene that you just need. Put down that cigarette, put down that liver and onions and pay attention. Heart disease isn't just for the older generation. Heart disease hits home. Heart disease is in me."

Brian stepped up beside her, eyes turning to the camera. "And me. Did you know that it is the most leading cause of death? That every thirty four seconds, a person dies from a heart-related problem? That every twenty, someone has a heart attack? Educate yourself, educate others. Because the more you know," he stopped, looking at Audrina and she frowned, finishing his sentence. She looked lost, sad. This probably wasn't a good idea for her, especially with the upcoming surgery.

"The better off you are."

"Great! A few more and we'll have it in the bag," the director grinned, calling for a few changes to the set and lighting. "Don't forget to sell this, guys ..."

"Sell it," Audrina asked, voice just above a whisper, "we are it."

Brian reached down, gripping her hand as she sighed deeply, looking at him. "What's wrong?"

"I'm trying to say all this stuff is wrong, and yet, here I am ... dating a smoker, inhaling what he smokes daily and I eat the worst food possible ..."

"They're not asking you to set an example, Audrina," Brian said softly, "they're asking you to set a statement. Not to let what happened to many people happen to them. We didn't ask for this. It's congenital, all right? We didn't do anything for it to come back and bite our asses."

She pulled away from his hand, shaking her head. "I need an aspirin."

"Audrina?"

She walked away from him, hands up in surrender. "I'm fine, Brian."

"You don't look it!" He frowned, watching as she ignored him, sitting down in the chair by where her first position was, hand holding her head as an aspirin was placed in her hand and a water set down next to her on the arm of the chair. Suddenly, he felt helpless. Never had he felt that way, not even when he was going in for his own surgery, not even when she had gone for tests for her disease. His baby sister was trying to be strong, but he saw the exterior crumbling. To people who didn't know what was going on, they would excuse it as being tired, exhausted from her whirlwind tour, but he knew the truth. She was going to collapse, it was only a matter of time.

And knowing her, she'd refuse any help to get back up. Just like he knew she'd refuse company after her surgery. He and AJ had discussed that, both deciding that they'd be the brute force like Kevin used to be, making sure she wasn't alone, even though she said she 'wanted' it. He knew she didn't, but he also knew she hated when people saw her at her most vulnerable, hated when they saw her cry. It had been something that happened more often than not in the past few months, it a very big emotional rollercoaster ordeal. But this was different: this was her life, not her career. If she followed doctor's orders, she'd be in the hospital at least a week, bedrest for another. If she followed his orders, she'd take it easy for a while before going against everyone's recommendations and touring once more. He didn't want her to make the same mistake he did and not let his heart rest the way it should have, instead going out and beating it up some more with their touring, it only resulting in yet another surgery for him.

He sighed deeply, eyes shooting upward as a loud crash, following frantic voices of panic rang in his ears. There was a mass of people circling around where his sister had been, the immediate feeling of dread weighing heavy in his stomach as he ran towards them, breaking through them all and staring down wide-eyed at his sister, she slumped down in her chair. "Drina?"

"I'm okay," she said softly, eyes slowly fluttering open. "I just got dizzy and went to sit down and knocked down that stuff."

"We're calling this a day, Audrina," the director said, voice stern. "Brian, get her home, all right? She needs to rest -"

"Stop talking as if I'm going to break," she snapped, voice weak, "I can do this. Just let me collect myself. I can do this ..."

The director looked at Brian, he shaking his head in disapproval as he did the same. It was useless to argue with her. "Then we're breaking for an hour. Rest up, eat something. We'll come back in a little while."

Everyone cleared away from her as Brian knelt down eye-level to her, studying her face. "I wish you'd let me take you home."

"And I wish you'd stop treating me as if I'm going to break at the slightest problem."

"In case you've forgotten," Brian said harshly, her eyes turning to look at his in confusion, "you are in a fragile condition. Your heart is weak and we're all trying to do what's best!"

"Then let me go on without having to worry about it!" She pushed herself up from the chair weakly, getting up and slightly swaying as she looked at him, shaking her head. "I don't want to be treated as if I'm going to break, Brian. They may not know what's going on, but you do. You, of all people, should understand why I don't want to be bothered with this. You, of all people should understand. But you don't. You have no idea at all."

He scoffed, shaking his head and opening his mouth to speak, too late on his response. She had already walked away from him, slamming the door to her dressing room behind her. It was going to be a very interesting eleven days leading up to her surgery.

The glossy photo between his fingers brought a smile to his face, he setting it down on top of the pile of photos that he had been looking through. It was a photo that he had taken, a photo of Audrina sleeping in his bed, sheets tangled in her legs, hands tucked under her head and pillow. He remembered taking that photo, it a particularly hot night and she was tossing and turning so much that he got little to no sleep that night.

In the midst of it all, he had gotten up to get a drink and caught her then in that position, silk shorts stuck to her skin, his tank top hiked up over her belly and her hair in a high ponytail. She had told him to burn that picture, that she looked horrible in it, but to him, it was when she was most beautiful; it was when she was most uninhibited, most unaware of herself.

His thoughts seemed to wander more often than week than he remembered them doing so ever since he realized that he was still in love with her. The photo was one of the two of them on stage, they both sweaty, she leaned into him with his arm around her, belting out a note as she smiled, her eyes closed. Yet another moment he was thankful was caught on camera.

He was in reminiscing mode, having caught it from Audrina, who always went through things at least weekly just to remember, to put a smile on her a face, a memory in her mind.

He couldn't help himself. Haunting thoughts had been riddling his mind after she had admitted she was sicker than she let on. What if all that he was left with were these photos? Those memories? What if the only way he'd be able to hear her voice was to listen to an album, a demo? To call Brian and tell him a joke just to hear the almost identical laugh that the siblings shared? To turn on the television, push in one of the many DVDs he had to watch her perform or see the footage that not many people knew he had of the two of them when they dated? That Audrina herself didn't even know about?

He sighed deeply, reaching into the box of momentos and arching an eyebrow in confusion as his skin scraped against something. Hooking his index finger, he pulled it out, tears immediately burning his eyes. There, dangling on the curve of his finger, still bright and brilliant, illuminating rainbows from the sun that cast through the window, was a three carat princess-cut engagement ring with even more diamonds encrusted in the band, it already four years old but looking brand new, regardless of the dust that it had collected from sitted in the bottom of the box. Just in case. This was a 'just in case'.

"Can I help you, son?"

He stood in the middle of the plaza, eyes as wide as saucers as a man in a black suit approached him, hands clammy as they were clenched at his sides. "Just in case, Josh," he told himself, "this is just in case you change your mind. She's worth that much. She's worth that."

"Sir?"

He jumped, feeling the red creep up onto his cheeks as he turned to look at the man and then his bodyguard who stood at the door, not many people out at the early hour, especially in the middle of nowhere. "I -" he stopped, swallowing hard. "I am looking for an engagement ring for my girlfriend. Just - just in case I decide to ask her."

The man smiled gently, putting his hand to JC's shoulder and leading him forward, hand gesturing towards where they were walking. "Tell me about her."

"Who? My girlfriend?"

"Well, certainly not your mother," he kidded, walking around the display to look at JC with teasing eyes, seeing the nervousness in his eyes. "let's get her a ring that is just hers."

He licked his lips, nodding as his eyes darted from the man to the rings, back to the man and to the the clock. He had two hours. Two hours and he was meeting Audrina for breakfast at her parents' house. "She's ... she's amazing?"

"That's an answer I hope to hear from everyone," he grinned, pulling up a stool and setting his hands down on the display case, still studying him. "What is she like? What is her name? What does she do? What does she like to do?"

"She - her name is Rina." He licked his lips, t1he man coaxing him to continue. "She's an entertainer. She loves to laugh and she loves everybody. I don't think there is anybody that has come into contact with her that has one thing bad to say about her, except that she puts everyone ahead of herself. She loves to sing, she loves to dance, she loves to be with her family, her one older brother since her oldest brother lives further away and well, she loves to be with me ..." he trailed off, finally feeling the tension ease off of his shoulders. "She's going to be twenty-five and she hates that fact ..."

They spoke for a half hour about her, even down to what she liked to eat, what she liked to read. In the midst of him speaking, the man had walked away, still listening intently and commenting every so often about how she reminded him of his own daughter, he appearing once more in front of JC, holding a ring in his hand that literally took his breath away. That was it.

"See," the man said softly as he watched JC's reaction, "this is why I ask those kind of things, there's a ring for every woman. This ring just-so-happens to be the ring for her."

"That's it all right," he breathed out, reaching forward and touching it gingerly, the man placing it into his hand as he looked at it, the brilliance of the diamond almost looking blue to to him. "I'll take it."

"Great," he smiled. "I'll get the box -"

He looked down, eyes widening. What if it didn't fit? "Wait! Is this a six? I need a six."

The man smiled, gesturing for JC to follow him as he walked over to the case he had gotten it out of, it clearly the size he was looking for. "I told you it was made for her."

He couldn't help it, he grinned widely as the man took it from him, putting it in the black box and taking it to the register, filling out paperwork as JC slid his card across the counter, the smile slowly dissipating as he thought of what he was doing. "This is just in case, JC," he told himself again, "just in case. She's never brought it up, there isn't any pressure."

But she wanted it. He knew she did. But the more he was with her, so did he. It scared him, but the more he thought about it, it thrilled him, too.

He just hoped it stayed that way and he wouldn't chicken out if the time came.

The time never came. Time passed and his fear overcame everything. The ring was thrown in the box without so much of a second thought and there it sat for four years. He could have been married by now. Married, happy. Maybe even a father. Overwhelming? Yes. But happy? Definitely.

He hated himself. He lost out on the one big opportunity that he had stepped out on, the one opportunity he had turned down and someone else had taken advantage of the open door. They won, and he was left with losing. He still had her in his life, but it wasn't the same. He was still able to call her when he wanted, but it wasn't the same.

He couldn't open his eyes in the middle of the night, turn on his side and see her there, lying on her own side with the blankets around her ankles. He wouldn't be able to curl his body up against hers like he used to and kiss her shoulder, inhaling the scent that was only hers, permanently imprinted in his mind. If he closed his eyes and thought hard enough, he could smell her and he was happy. He wasn't the one she crawled into bed with when she had a bad day just to be held, putting her head on his chest, her legs thrown over his.

If he let his mind wander, he remembered the nights they spent together making love. The nights that he loved the most. The feel of her skin against his, warm and soft; fingers gripping his back, mouth on his or on his shoulder. He could feel her leg traveling higher up his as she reached her peak, could feel the pain that her nails inflicted as she scraped roughly or just dug into his skin, biting his shoulder, kissing his lips, they already swollen from their feverish kisses.Their kisses. He always believed that there was no such thing as a bad kisser, just bad chemistry, and with them, they were nowhere near. To him, he could spend his life kissing her and doing nothing else and he would be happy (give a few breaks to do other things ...).

He broke from his trance, reaching into the box and picking up one of the various tapes and putting it into the player. He sat back down, putting the pictures back in the box and looking at the screen as her laughter rang in his ears. He smiled, watching as she reached up above the camcorder, he crying out in protest as she swiped his hat, putting it on backward and making a kissy face.

"It's pretty sad you look better in that hat than I do."

"I think you look pretty damn sexy in a baseball hat."

"Aw, thank you baby."

She grinned, grabbing at the lens and kissing it, her lips leaving a smear mark as he cried out again, she wiping it off after a moment of disappearing. She continued to wear his hat, hair sticking out every which way and that from the messy ponytail that she was wearing, hands flying every which way in the animated story she was telling.

"Did I ever tell you how much I love you?"

"Only every ten seconds."

"Well, I do."

"Aw, well, Joshua Chasez," she said, dramatizing her heavy Kentucky accent, hands clasped beneath her chin, "I love you, too!"

"And you're just a little bit weird."

"And you're just a little bit old!"

"But I still love you, regardless."

"I love you in spite of."

"Hey!"

He grinned, watching as she pushed the camcorder out of the way, kissing him this time. The camera blacked out, skipping to a moment in time where she was actually the one behind the camera, he lying on the bed, arm underneath his head as he slept, the television going on in the background, voices murmuring in what sounded to be another language.

"Hey, sleepyhead."

He grinned, watching as her finger appeared on the screen, stroking downward on his nose. Her nails were short and manicured, and if he recalled correctly, it was from around the time the two of them had done the photoshoot with her in the sailor dress.

"Joshua, wake up, baby ..."

"I am up."

"Oh, don't lie," she laughed. "You have been sleeping for an hour."

"And you've been filming me?" He gave her a lazy smile, eyes still half-lidded as they focused on her, above the camcorder. "That bored? No video diary?"

"That's boring."

"And taping your sleeping boyfriend is even more fun?"

"Yeah, especially when he's talking in his sleep."

" ... I was not talking in my sleep!"

"All right, so you weren't, but I thought I could catch you if you just-so-happened to start."

He chuckled, reaching forward and tugging at her hand. "Put that camera down and come lay with me."

"Like you even have to tell me," she replied, the camera shifting as she lie on his shoulder, head leaning up against his as he took the camera from her, she lying on her side and looking up as he aimed the camcorder down at them. "What are you doing?"

He shrugged, placing a tender kiss to her forehead as he looked up at the camcorder and and smiled. "So, here we are in Paris, the city of love. I'm lying here in my suite with the love of my life and life couldn't be better. We're here for what, two more days? Yeah, two more days. She and I are doing a photoshoot together to recreate a popular photo of a marine reuniting with his love and then probably a lot more different themed shots back from the golden era. Can't wait to see this one in pencil skirts and those tight little curls ..."

"Ha, ha," she grinned, burying her face into his neck, playfully gnawing at his skin. "And you in a Marine uniform ... that'll be sexy ..."

He looked at the television blankly, listening to them playfully tease each other back and forth. They were now on the subject of he being too skinny and she being too short and always having to wear heels when she was with him, though she rarely did unless they were on the red carpet or on stage being televised. The camera was sitting on the nightstand at eye-level, getting their heads and catching his face, catching the way he looked at her, and if it wasn't apparent how he felt about her before, the look he had in that video was the same look he still gave her.

"JC, you home?"

He heard footsteps in the foyer, the familiar voice bringing a smile to his face, though it quickly washed away with how stressed it sounded. "Yeah, I'm in the living room!"

"Hey," she greeted, eyes meeting his and slowly dragging to the television, smile slowly forming. "Oh, my God, what are you watching?"

"Old tapes of us," he said, shrugging, "I was going through boxes of things I had in the guest room and this just-so-happened to be the box of the day."

She chuckled, sitting down next to him and putting her feet down on the arm of the couch, he glancing over at her tired eyes. "God, I looked so young!"

"We were young!" He looked at her still, frowning. "Are you okay?"

"Other than the known, yeah," she said softly, shifting slightly, "I'm fine."

"You sure? You look like you were crying."

"I'm okay," she nodded. "I had a dizzy spell today, but it was because I didn't eat, but I'm fine now."

"You wouldn't tell me that unless you think something is wrong."

"Brian's been on my case, is all."

"About what?"

"He doesn't think I'm okay," she shrugged, reaching forward and grabbing a handful of popcorn and avoiding his eyes as he arched an eyebrow. "Keeps asking me and he pissed me off today."

"And ..."

"He won't drop it."

"And?"

She sighed, aggravated. "JC, I came over here to escape the wrath of Littrell and McLean, must I escape the wrath of Chasez, too?"

"Why McLean?"

"Because," she mumbled, "Brian continued asking me when I got home and then AJ started and now he doesn't think I should go with him until after he tours because he doesn't think I'm healthy enough. But God damnit, I'm not going to break! I know I'm sick! I don't need to be treated like I'm that way!"

"Easy," he said, giving her a small smile as he reached forward, hugging her tightly, "easy, easy. They're just worried, you know? Brian doesn't want to let you make the same mistakes he did, okay? He went through the same thing, don't forget. Twice. They worry about you. They don't want to put too much pressure or stress on you when they just want you to be better and better than 100% after this whole thing is done -" He stopped, seeing the look on her face, she avoiding his gaze and biting her lip. "What, Rina, what?"

"What if ... what if I avoided it? What if I just ... flushed the blockage and didn't go for the surgery?"

"Then you'd be stupid," he said honestly, she turning to look at him, not expecting that answer. "You'd be stupid to not go through this surgery, Audrina. You not going through this surgery is like an early death wish. And I do not want to have to bury you, Audrina. I will not in my life, see you die. I'm older than you, I go first. I know Brian and AJ feel the same way. We're all prepared to go first. This is not going to be your time. You need to have this surgery. I know it's a scary thing, but it's just something you gotta do ... we're all gonna be there for you every single step of the way. Believe me, you're never going to be alone in this. You're never going to be without at least one of us there."

"You won't be there when it goes down."

"If we could be there, we would. Well, if they could be there, they would. I'd attempt. I don't know how well I'd do." He nudged her shoulder as she dropped her legs, she smirking at his mention of his phobia of hospitals and needles, eyes traveling to the tv as the two of them sat at a picnic table, Brian filming them during a family picnic. She lifted her legs, propping them onto the table as something clinked and fell to the floor.

His heart fell to the floor and began to pound rapidly. Oh, shit.

"What was that?" She dropped her feet, leaning down and picking up the ring and turning to him. "Jace, what is this?"

And suddenly, he felt like he was standing in the middle of the plaza once more. "What's what?"

"This."

He turned his gaze to look at her, swallowing hard. He had to think. Quick. If he told the truth, it would ruin everything. This was him, truth came out easier than lies. Lies came out and ruined his life. Hell, look at his life now. His life was a complete lie anyhow, why not add more to it? "I'm holding it for Justin."

"And you just have it sitting around like this?"

"I was looking for a box to put it in. He lost the box he had." He swallowed again, she looking down at the ring longingly. Oh, damn.

"This ring is beautiful," she said softly, eyes dragging up from the ring and back up to his unsteady gaze, "so he's going to ask Jessica?"

Licking his lips, he nodded. He was going to hell. He was going to hell and Justin was going to be the one to send him there. "Y-Yeah, but not for a while, that's why he asked me to keep a hold of it for a while."

"Oh." She kept looking at the ring, and for a moment, he could have sworn he saw the slight hint of tears form, though within a blink, they were gone. "It's beautiful," she repeated, voice quiet, he unsure of what to say. "Beautiful."

"Audrina -"

"Sometimes," she said softly, lowering her hand and bringing her gaze to him, it blank, "sometimes I think about what my life would be life if you and I would have stayed together. If we still had been together and married, would it have been by force or would you have wanted it by then? Would we have been happy? And then, sometimes, I think that you and I are better off without each other the way we were and that we're better this way. That you're here when I need you and the other way around and then we get our space when needed. That I found someone who does want to get married. But ... am I supposed to marry him? Am I going to make it to marriage? Am I meant to get married or am I just meant to be one of those people who are like the Jackie Harris' that go from meaningless relationship from meaningless relationship and still feel empty?"

"I was meaningless?"

She shook her head. "No, I just meant ... after everything was said and done. She couldn't find meaning after that. She wandered. Is that what I'm going to be?"

"No," he said softly, "you'll never be alone. You'll never be a wanderer, never be unmarried. You'll have your marriage, you'll have your babies, and you'll be happy. I promise you, Rina. Maybe it's AJ. Maybe it's ... maybe it's God, I hope it's not, but maybe it's Nick ... or maybe it's some nameless man you have no idea who he is yet. Whoever the lucky sonofabitch is, he's going to be having to pray that he keeps you happy, because if he doesn't, he's got a few people to answer to."

She reached forward, handing him the ring as he grasped her hand, catching her confused gaze. "What?"

"One of these days," he said softly, "a man is going to give you an amazing ring that will take your breath away. One of these days."

"The day of my death."

"Oh, shut up," he chuckled, putting the ring onto the end table and exhaling, mentally patting himself on the back as he reached over and wrapped an arm around her neck pulling her into him as he rubbed his knuckled into her hair. "I don't understand why you're being so negative. You're hanging out with me too much."

"You're never too negative. You're just too much of a pain in the ass!"

"Now, that's the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?"

"I hate you."

He grinned, releasing her as she pulled away, situating herself back comfortably as they both sat and watched the two of them on the screen, he holding her on his shoulders as he spoke to the crowd, singing 'Happy Birthday' to her for her 23rd birthday. She was leaning forward, head near his, grinning widely as they all serenaded her, the band on the sides of them with a cake, balloons and champagne, all adorned in hates and party favors.

"You know," she said softly, her voice carrying over the cheers of the crowd on the tv, he taking his attention off of it and looking over, she still looking at it, face blank. "I miss us sometimes."

"... What?"

She turned to look at him, shrugging. "I mean, I love AJ. I just ... you have how long with someone, you're going to end up missing them sometime. And more often than not ... I do."

He opened his mouth to speak, interrupted by her cell phone ringing as she pulled it out of her pocket, rolling her eyes as she put it to her ears.

"What, Brian?"

Sighing deeply, he turned to the tv again. "I miss you, too," he said softly, too low for her to ear, but loud enough that he knew he said it. Her laughter rang in his ears, echoing with his own from the screen, a loud sigh pushing the laughter away as he turned to look at her as she got up, shoving her phone into her pocket. "Brian?"

"Yeah. He wants to talk. Blah, blah, blahbity-bloo." She rolled her eyes, sighing deeply. I don't think I've been this irritated in the last twenty eight years of my life than I am now."

"He's your brother, cut him some slack," JC said, standing up and following her to the door. "Call me if you need anything, all right?"

She nodded. "Thanks, JC. You know, for everything."

He shrugged. "That's what I'm here for." He gave her a weak smile as she walked down the driveway to her car, he waiting until she was in it and out of sight before shutting the door and going back to the living room, sitting down on the couch and picking up the ring. "You, you almost got me into big trouble," he said softly, wiping away the hints of dust on the band and putting it back into the box, this time in the box with the pictures so that it wouldn't get lost within all the momentos.

"One day, I'll tell you," he said softly, "one day I'll tell you when the timing is right."

"Brian, she's waking up."

The nurse's quiet voice stirred him, he the only one who was even partially awake after her nearly eight-hour surgery and four hour recovery, AJ asleep on the floor; JC asleep sitting up on a chair; Aubrey and Aundrea asleep leaning up against each other and the others sleeping in cots in the private waiting room. He, he couldn't sleep. Every so often, he caught his eyes falling, and this was one of those moments.

"Thank you," he said groggily, getting up quickly and ridding the sleep from his eyes, following her down the hall to his sister, anxiety running through his veins. The doctor said that the hole had enlarged, it had taken some time to repair. The heart attack had been some sort of blessing, she probably would have died in her sleep or even not within the next few days if she had not had the attack. The blockage was cleared, though she would still have to take medicine, just like he did; though it was a small price to pay for the life he now had.

Stepped into the room, he saw his sister, eyes slowly blinking and still adjusting to the dim light, watching the television on the wall in front of her. "Hey, baby sister," he greeted, she turning her head slightly to giving him a weak smile from beneath the oxygen mask, "how you feeling?"

Giving him a weak shrug, her head turned back to the television as her name was mentioned, both siblings now listening in as her news made the top story.

"Audrina Littrell, little sister of Backstreet Boy Brian Littrell and respective singer herself has been admitted to Cedars-Sinai hospital late last night of undisclosed reasons. Sources say that ambulances and a quick response bus were spotted at her residence at around 9PM -"

"Argh," she mumbled, pulling at the mask and reaching for the remote, turning the channel, settling on MTV. "If they're gonna talk, they'll at least tell something better because they actually like me ..."

Brian chuckled a bit, reaching over and taking his sister's hand, squeezing gently. "Everyone likes you, Drina."

"Yeah, yeah."

"And in our top news, pop singing sensation Audrina Littrell underwent emergency surgery after a massive heart attack late last night. Word from her manager, Johnny Wright says that she is now resting at Cedars-Sinai Hospital after getting a hole in her heart repaired and the blockage cleared resulting from the heart attack. The singer has had heart troubles in the past and rumors have been circulating for quite some time that this was the very reason why she had post-poned the overseas promotional tour to come home and wait for the world tour. Wright stated in an official press release that Littrell is healing and not yet completely out of the woods but the doctors feel as if she is doing well and will recover beautiful just as her brother did four years ago when he underwent the same procedure. She will be taking off two months two take time off for herself and another six weeks to get back into career-mode before rescheduling her world tour, which would be picking up in about six weeks. We will have more on this breaking news when it is available. That's MTV News at 10 to the hour, every hour, here on MTV. Now back to your regularly scheduled program."

"So are you feeling any pain?"

She looked over at Brian, shaking her head. "No, they've got me so doped up that I don't think I could feel a two-ton anvil on my chest if they dropped it on me right now."

"No, cause you'd be dead."

"Yeah." She looked down at her hands, tears burning her eyes. "I'm gonna have a scar."

"Just another thing you and I will have in common."

"It's gonna be ugly."

"Maybe for a little while," he said, frowning as he squeezed her hand, "but look, it's not bad now." He lifted up his shirt, the scar flesh colored and barely visible unless the person studied his skin. "And besides, it's not like people are going to judge you by a surgical scar. That scar, saved your life, Rina. JC saved your life."

"I know." Her eyes were heavy as she looked down at the heavily padded section of her chest where the procedure had taken place, the medication working wonders yet again as she felt herself slipping into slumber. "I love you, Brian."

"I love you too, kiddo," he said, voice distant as he watched her eyes drop, grasp on his hand weaken. He looked up, seeing JC's form standing in the doorway. "Hey," he said softly, "I didn't know you were standing there."

"I just got here," he said, "I didn't want to intrude."

"Never," he said, smiling weakly, "she's just doped up with the medications. Got a long road ahead of her before they take her out of the Cardiac ICU, but they think she'll be okay."

"Good." He edged away from the door slowly, eyes never leaving Audrina's sleeping face, worry etched throughout his own. "Is she -"

Brian took in the paleness of JC's face, giving him a small smile. "She's going to be okay, JC. You were there just in time. You got her here. We owe you every debt of gratitude for saving her. She owes you. She owes you big time."

"She owes me nothing," he said softly, standing at the foot of her bed as he took in a sharp intake of breath, watching her chest rise and fall slowly with the monitors, taking in the heaviness of her chest with the gauze that hid each and every stitch, each and every reminder of what had happened only four hours before. "I just want her to be healthy. I just want her to be alive. That's all I ever wanted."

"I know."

The almost death sentence that the doctor had told them all about had weighed heavily on them all, and he could see that it still weighed heavily on JC as he watched her intently, watched to see if it still hung over her like a dark storm cloud, ready to pour over her like molasses. She was still deep in the woods and the sentence was still there, complications could still arise, but they were all praying for the best.

Brian turned his head to look back at his sister, hands grasping one of hers, taking in her pale, nearly ashen face, though it looking more healthy than it had in a while, more serene, more comfortable than she had in weeks, months even. He watched as JC took the spot across from him, his own eyes doing what he had done: taking in the face that he had seen for so long with a deep sigh, grasping her hand inbetween his own. He put his hands to his forehead and bowed his head in a silent prayer, letting JC be in his own silence, wanting to be in his own peace.

"You look a little better."

She smiled weakly at AJ as he ran his finger gently over the top of hers, studying her face. "I'm still really tired, but I think I'm okay ..."

"It took three days, but you got a little color back. Feeling any pain?"

"My chest feels heavy," she murmured, yawning dramatically as one hand went to her chest, touching the gown gingerly as she peeked beneath it, cringing at the bandages. "I feel like a partial mummy with an anvil on my chest. I feel like my eyes are connected to weights and they're slowly tugging down ... "

"Well, how about this," he said, leaning forward as he shoved his hand into his pocket, she watching him intently, eyebrows knitting in confusion. "What's one more thing to weigh on you than this?"

"J," she asked, trying to lift herself but hissing out in pain as his eyes widened, scrambling to help her lie back down, he chuckling as he sat down on the edge of her bed, kissing her on the lips gently as her eyes traveled to his hand, gasping slightly as he let his fingers uncurl from around the nearly blinding ring that stared up at her. "AJ, what the hell is this ..."

"It's not an engagement ring, D," AJ laughed, "and I'm glad because of that reaction."

She tore her eyes away from the ring to look into his laughing ones, confused. "Then what -"

"It was going to be a 'Get Well', slash 'I'm Thinking Of You', slash, 'Just Because' gift. You've been going through a lot lately and I thought it'd be nice to get you something after you busted your ass for so long."

"Oh."

"Oh?" He asked, laughing incredulously as he watched her reach to touch the ring gingerly with her fingers. "You like it?"

"Like it?" She gave him the strongest smile she could, watching as he took her left hand, sliding it onto her ring finger. "I love it, Alex. It's ... it's beautiful."

It was a two and a half carat cushion cut sapphire and diamond ring inspired from the Edwardian period, the band encrusted with diamonds that matched the ones in the ring itself.

"You know it's going to cause a lot of talk, right?"

She smiled weakly, looking down at the ring that now adorned her finger and shrugged. "Yeah. Let them talk." She closed her eyes, grasping his hand as he continued to sit there, unable to put any pressure against her, wanting to hug him and be held but unable to do so. The medicine was wearing off and she was beginning to feel the pain; she swallowing hard as she pressed the morphine drip, almost immediately feeling the tension wear down. "Thank you," she said softly, he squeezing her hand as she said it, opening her eyes to meet his gaze. "For the ring, for being here ..."

He smiled at her, lifting her hand up to his mouth and kissing each of her fingers tenderly, lifting his eyes to meet her gaze. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

She pulled him so that he was lying on his side, turning her head to bury her face into his neck and inhaling slowly, his scent taking over her senses slowly. "I love you," she said softly, eyes dropping closed in exhaustion once more. She hated how tired she got. "I love you."

He stood in the doorway, heart at his feet. What he had just witnessed had taken his entire heart and just thrown it against the wall. The ring was put on her finger, her left ring finger and now they were lying together, she telling him she loved him over and over.

She was engaged. She knew what she felt. She just didn't want to tell him how she felt about him. She knew. She very well knew how she felt about him but didn't want to hurt him so instead covered it up and waited. Instead, he walks in on the middle of a propsal.

Good timing, Chasez.

"You okay, JC? You look a little pale."

He looked over at Aubrey, she rolling her cell phone in her hands as she walked down the hall, waiting for Aundrea to call to come back and pick her up from the flower shoppe down the road. "No, I'm okay," he said quickly. "Just, still very overwhelmed from what's been going on the last few days and seeing her like I did ..."

"That's right," she said softly, nodding her head in understanding, "you're the one who called 911." She leaned up against the wall next to him, staring down at her feet as he once was. "How are you handling it? You need to talk?"

"I'm fine right now," he said, shoulders rising and falling in a slow shrug, "there are other things on my mind right now that I've been thinking about to keep myself from going too crazy over this. I've got other things making me crazy."

"Like what?"

He turned his head, blue eyes meeting blue. "I'd rather not talk about it."

"Oh," she said, giving him a sympathetic smile. "Well, that's fine. But I am here if you need it, Jace. I'm not always a bitch, you know that."

He chuckled. "I know, Bree. I just ... this is something I need to figure out on my own. I've gotta wear the big boy pants sooner or later."

"It should have been a lot sooner if you know what I mean." She gave him a small smile, pushing off of the wall and beginning to walk down the hall towards the private waiting room, in search of reading material to wait until she could go in to see her friend since it was a 2 person limit.

"You're preaching to the already knowing choir," he mumbled, she turning to look at him. "Nothing."

"Okay," she chuckled, turning back around and disappearing down the hall.

"Hey, there you are," AJ greeted as he stepped out of the room, "Audrina's been asking where you disappeared to. She wanted to see you. Though I don't know how much company she'd be, since she's been slipping in and out of sleep."

He turned his gaze towards the door, seeing Audrina's half-asleep form lying in bed, eyes nearly closed as they struggled to focus on the television across the room. "I've been around. Bothering the hospital staff to make sure she's comfortable and taken care of, making sure everything is taken care of with the music stuff and publicity and media so she's not hounded with rumors and stuff ..."

"That's nice of you, man," AJ smiled, clapping him on the back, "I'm gonna go down to the cafeteria and get her some soup. She doesn't want the crap they brought up for her. You want anything?"

He shook his head. "No thanks."

"All right. Well, I'll see you in a bit."

He nodded, stepping past AJ and into the room, Audrina immediately looking over and taking in his form, a small smile forming on her face. "Good evening, beautiful."

"Why the long face?"

He paled at her question, shrugging. "Just tired, I guess."

"Well, you did go home and got some rest, did you not?"

He shook his head. "No, I've been here."

Her jaw dropped. "Josh, go home. Go sleep in your bed and stay there until I come home. I'm fine. I'll be here when you come back. It's not like I can go anywhere ..."

"No, I'm staying until you're sent home. I'm fine."

"No, you look like shit."

"Thanks, Drina," he said sarcastically, crossing the room and sitting down next to her as she turned her head to look at him, studying the bags under his eyes, the intense blue that normally was a lighter blue. "I'm fine, really."

"Please, at least go nap or something ..."

"There isn't anywhere to nap."

"Use that bed over there," she said, motioning for the bed on the other side of the room. "I have a private room. No one is gonna use it."

"I'm fine," he said, turning his head to look at the television. "Pretty ring."

She chuckled. "Thanks. AJ got it for me."

"Figured."

She paused. "Why do you sound so pissy?"

"I'm not. Just really didn't have a comment for that," he said, leaning his head onto her lower stomach and sighing, eyes involuntarily dropping closed as he felt her fingers weave through his hair. "I didn't realize you'd be getting married so soon after just starting to date."

She scoffed. "I'm not getting married, Jace."

"That's what the ring is, is it not?"

"No, it's not."

"Then why is it on that finger?"

"Because I don't wear rings on any other finger than this one? You knew that."

He sighed. He did know that. "Oh."

Smiling weakly, she continued to play with his hair, gently massaging his scalp as she felt his body weight begin to grow heavier. "Jace, go to sleep."

"No."

"You're still such a pain in the ass."

"Just as much as you." He lifted his head after a moment of silence, meeting her gaze, eyes lost. "I don't know what I would have done if I would have lost you, Audrina. I don't know how I would have dealt with losing you completely. Promise me you're not gonna leave me."

She felt him grasp her hand, fingers lacing between the spaces of her own and gently tickling her skin, nearly taking her breath away with his touch.

He nodded, silent as he got up, placing a tender kiss to her forehead as she reached over, grabbing the pen and paper Brian had left for her on the stand, she scribbing down what had ran through her head, adding more as it ran through her mind.

"Easy."

"I'm recovering, AJ, not fragile," she snapped, pulling her hand out of his grasp as she stepped into her house, ignoring the wounded look he gave her, both men who had helped her from the car looking at her in confusion as they followed she and the Littrell's into her home. "Don't treat me as if I'm gonna break."

"I wasn't aware I was," he said, she turning to look at him in bewilderment at his comment. "What? I wasn't!"

She shook her head, body moving slow as she followed her mother Jackie up the stairs, holding onto her hand. It had been nearly two weeks since she had been in the hospital, and almost as long since her rehab had started with breathing treatments and extra cardio that had taken it's toll on her attitude that everyone around her had yet to get used to. Though, it had not really began up until a few days prior when they switched trainers.

"You never are aware," she mumbled. "Ever. Never aware."

"What?"

"Nothing!"

He looked over at Brian as he shrugged, just as helpless as he was. "I don't know, man," he said softly, clapping him on the back as he placed her bags on the floor in the foyer and inhaling the scent of their mother's infamous lasagna that Audrina had just mastered herself, though rarely made. "God, I'm so hungry. Hospital food is not something I was ready and willing to get used to; yet, sadly, I was ..."

"I could get used to eating anything."

"Bone, we know that."

He grinned, clearing his throat and looking around the room. "Rok, can I talk to you for a minute? Alone?"

Brian looked at his friend curiously, watching as his dad poked in and out of the room just as quickly as he appeared, grabbing the newspaper and heading back to the living room. "What's up?"

"Her attitude -"

Brian laughed. "It'll get better, Aje; you gotta remember, she's suddenly being pushed to strengthen her heart with cardio she's not used to and she nearly died two weeks ago."

"No. That's not it. That's not it at all and I know it. You know it. Look at her, Brian." AJ looked up the stairs, eyes desperate. "I'm losing her. I know I am. She's angry because she knows she's losing out again. She's angry because she's hurting herself. Maybe she's angry at herself because she knows she's going to hurt me. I don't know ... I just know that she's not Miss Attitude because of this rehab. She's thankful for that. That's not her problem at all. I'm her problem. JC is her problem. She is her problem."

Brian sucked in a breath, licking his lips and studying his friend. "You really think this is what her attitude is all about?"

"I do," he said softly, "I think that these two weeks have proved just how much he still cares about her and just how much she still loves him. She may love me, but she doesn't love me like she loves him -"

"AJ -"

He shook his head, sniffing as he forced his words out. "Can you - can you just find out? I don't want us to pull this along if it's not what she wants. I love her, Rok. I want her to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. And if this isn't what makes her happy then I'm going to bow out. That's how I am and I'm not going to cause a scene. That's not me."

"J -"

"She loves him," he said softly, "she loves me. But not like that. She loves me like ... like someone would love a boyfriend. She loves him like someone would love their soulmate. How do you compete with that?"

Brian frowned. "I don't know."

AJ smirked. "Yeah, I don't either."

"I'm sorry, Aje."

He sank down onto the couch, sadness in his eyes. "Me too," he said softly, frown deepening. "Me, too."

"Maybe it isn't what you think though, you know? Maybe ... okay, maybe she does love him, but I know she loves you, too. She's not going to give up something that she knows she has that is so good to her and just risk it all. This is my baby sister, AJ; she doesn't take risks like that. The last risk she took ended up leaving her, remember? She's been burnt by that flame way too much and I know she's not going to be tempted to do it again. I don't know if I should be the one talking to her."

"Yeah, you're right," he said softly, eyes wandering upward where she and Brian's mother was slowly coming down the stairs. "She okay, Jackie?"

Jackie startled slightly, in her own little world before interruption. "Yeah, she's all right, sweetie," she said softly, "angry at the world, I suppose. She's half-asleep in her bed."

"I'm going to go see her," he said softly, pushing himself up off of the couch as Brian gave him a sympathetic smile, Jackie continuing her way into the kitchen to start with dinner. "Call me when dinner's ready; I'll bring some up for her."

Brian nodded as he got up, following his mother and leaving AJ in the solitude of the quiet sitting room. Inhaling deeply, he took the stairs slowly, watching as his feet pulled him closer and closer to her bedroom at the end of the hall, the large double doors less inviting than they used to be.

He put a hand to the door, forehead resting against the cool wood and said a silent prayer. "Lord, help us all get through this in one piece, with at least a string of our sanity," he said softly, only for the Man upstairs to hear, "let her get through this and let her be happy again. You know how hard it's been for her ..." He paused, hearing a struggled sob from behind the closed doors. "Rina, baby?" He pushed down on the door handle, one door opening as he peeked in, Audrina lying on her side as she hugged the body pillow to herself.

"I'm fine," she mumbled, voice evident of tears as he closed the door behind him, walking slowly into the room as he heard her voice enter his ears through the television, a small bittersweet smile forming on his face as he took in her body, lying on a flat portal of some sort, adorned in a silver outfit that covered only her breasts, curving down to one side and barely covering her pelvis. She seemed to be the less clothed of the five girls in the video. She sang about a damaged heart. The video. Diddy had released it already.

He crawled onto the bed and placed his cheek in the curve of her neck, inhaling the faint scent of the hospital shampoo that she hated to use, he glad that her scent was slowly coming back after lying in her own bedroom; it always smelling of french vanilla or some perfume that she always wore. "Baby, don't lie to me," he said softly, eyes following the trails of tears that fell down her face. "Talk to me."

"I'm never going to be the same," she said softly, bringing her hands to her face to shield the tears from him, "I'm never going to be me again. Just look at Brian; he's not the same -"

"He is better," AJ corrected, tugging at her shoulder for her to roll onto her back to look at him. "Audrina, things happen in life that aren't easy to explain or have no explanation at all; this just-so-happens to be one of those moments. God wouldn't deal you a deck of cards that you didn't know how to deal."

"Stop being all philosophical," she mumbled, eyes glazed over as she stared at the ceiling. "I don't need philosophy lessons right now."

He sighed deeply, rolling away from her and lying on his back, not wanting to start anything. As he lie there, the silence from her, the music that she helped make and the nagging questions on his mind convinced him otherwise. "What's your problem with me, huh?"

She turned her head, slightly taken aback. "What?"

"You heard me," he said, getting up and looking down at her confused form, "what is your deal? Do you not want to be near me? Do you not want to be with me? Is that it? Do you suddenly hate me? Did I say something to upset you? Because, suddenly, I feel as if you're treating everyone like gold and me like shit. Is this all about JC? Is that what it's about? Because I swear, if you want to be with him, then you need to tell me now because I don't feel like being the stupid ass who got dragged along until the woman could figure out her love life. If you don't love me, you need to tell me. If you love him, you need to tell me. If I'm being paranoid, you need to tell me. I don't want to be sitting here, feeling as if you are angry at me, angry at the world when it could be something completely different. Or, hell, if I'm just being paranoid because I can't read you like I used to."

"How can you say something like that?" She asked, voice soft as she studied him, startled by his accusations. "How can you just throw this all on me? I thought you'd understand because you saw it happen to my brother, but apparently, you don't understand this at all. You don't know how I'm feeling. You don't know why I'm suddenly moody, how I've suddenly started to push you away? You have no idea."

"No, I don't," he snapped, she closing her eyes at the coldness in his voice, "this is why I brought it up. Enlighten me."

"I almost died, Alex," she said softly, swallowing hard as his own heart skipped a beat or two. "I almost didn't make it out of the operating room alive. You think I would suddenly be okay? That I would suddenly embrace life like Brian did? Well, you're wrong; suddenly life doesn't seem so swell. I wonder why the hell I'm even here if God is going to keep putting me through the same ridiculous shit I had to witness my brother go through. Do you think I want to have to rely on people for the next two months and be the pain in the ass burden that I know I will be? That I want to go through cardio rehab? That I want to have to carry an oxygen tank with me everywhere I go 'just in case'? That the thought of not being here and leaving you all behind doesn't run through my brain almost every single second I'm awake? That I don't dream about what life would be like if I suddenly died? Because for the last week and a half, I have been and it's killing me. I don't have the drive to live, AJ; I don't want to have to worry about all of this anymore. I don't ... I don't want to live like this. I don't want to go to bed wondering if it's the last time I'll be here because my heart is like a time bomb. I don't want to wake up and wonder if it's the last time I will wake up; wake up next to you, wake up at all. I'm pushing you away because losing you would be less painful with us apart than if we were together if something would suddenly happen. For the first time in my life, I want to die. I can't deal with this. I can't ... I can't live like this. I don't want to ... I just can't. I can't handle this, I can't deal with this and I don't want to face it. I should have died on that table. They should have let me so I wouldn't have to suffer like this -"

"D, stop," AJ grabbed her face, tears falling down his cheeks at his girlfriend's admittance. "Don't you think that for one second that you will ever be a burden. You, are the love of my life, Drina. You are the love of everyone's life that knows you. Don't say those kinds of things because it will be better. It will get better than it was before and you'll be as good as new. Don't think for one second that you not being here will be better for the rest of us, either. If you weren't here, I don't think I would be, either. Your brother wouldn't be who he is without you being around and God, I don't even know why I'm bringing this up, but neither would JC. You've impacted our lives to the point where we have no idea what our lives would be without you. Don't ever, ever say that life would be better without you, because it wouldn't."

Her eyes fluttered shut in pain, emotional pain as the back of his hand lightly smoothed against her skin, it wet from tears. He should have expected it; the doctor said that he saw it coming the day she was admitted: she was in a depression, a deep funk that would take a lot of coaxing to get her out of. Everything fell onto her shoulders and chest quickly and she had been dealing with those demons silently until that moment. In that moment, he saw the little girl that Brian introduced him to nearly sixteen years ago, just barely thirteen, just barely growing up into a young teenager. He saw the child-like innocence, the naive outlook on life, the wonder if it would all be okay in the end. As everyone aged with the stress that her surgery had given them all, she was rewinding back into childhood, not able to fend off her demons by herself and suddenly in need of that hand to hold, that body to hide behind.

"I love you," he said softly, she leaning into his hand as he cupped her cheek, fingers weaving into her hair. "I'm going to always be here for you, Audrina Brianne. You're not going to fight this alone, all right? We're all going to be behind you, making sure you get better than ever. We're going to be so inspiring it's going to be annoying. You're gonna wanna hit us all," he smirked, leaning down and placing a tender kiss to her forehead and then one to her lips. "I love you so very much for who you are, what you are and what you've done for me. Just know that regardless of where this life takes the two of us, I'm going to always, always be there for you. No matter where I am, no matter where you are, just say the word and I'd be right beside you. I'm not going to let you give up. I refuse to let you go down without so much of a fight. If I have to, I'll carry you and fend off every little demon you have myself. You're not alone. You never will be."

She sighed deeply, nodding against his hand as he put his forehead to hers, eyes dropping closed as he took in the one moment between them that was serene. She had slightly calmed, fingers loosely gripping his own from his free hand, she pulling herself up to wrap her arms around his waist, a shaky inhale followed by a sob escaping her lips as he frowned, placing his chin to her head, hands wrapping around her body and pulling her as close to him as he could get.



He shifted his weight from foot to foot as he stared up at the house, suddenly very aware of the past few weeks and emotions that had been let out of the bag. It was nearing eight in the evening, all but the front room dark with the exception of the eerie glow of the small table light in her room welcoming him.

"Jace?"

He jumped, seeing Brian sitting on her porch swing, nodding as he approached the slightly older man. "Hey," he said softly, looking at Brian as he took in the bouquet of assorted tulips in JC's hand. "For your sister."

"I figured as much," Brian said, an easy smile gracing his tired face. "She'll love them. Those are her favorite."

"I know," he said, dropping his hand back down as Brian moved over so JC could sit. He sat down, setting the flowers on the banister by the swing. "How is she doing," he asked softly, staring at his feet as Brian sighed deeply. "I know it's going to be hard for a while; I remember when you went through it -"

"She's taking it pretty hard," he said softly, "AJ said she said a lot of things that he hadn't expected, but he wouldn't elaborate. He just said it was unlike her. She isn't grasping the essence of how amazing life is when you've been handed a second chance like I did; she's actually going the opposite way."

JC nodded. "For every little thing the two of you share in similarity, there's one trait that the two of you are complete opposite. I think we all expected this."

Brian nodded. "I just wish I could do something; that one of us could. She doesn't want to talk, she just wants to sleep. She hasn't eaten, and when she does, it's a bite or two. The only person she has let in was AJ. I know she said something to him that freaked him out; I saw his face when he left to go pick up her prescription. He was crying. He was visually upset and he wouldn't tell me why. I know we're all shaken up about this, but something happened when they were upstairs and he just seems like he's suddenly grasping onto every little thing he can. He didn't leave her side all night. We had to make him come downstairs to eat while she was sleeping. He exhausted himself with worry that he actually fell asleep leaning up against the wall. This isn't my family, JC; this isn't how we respond to crisis. This took us all and just turned us upside and dropped us on our heads. None of us know how to approach her."

"Sometimes," he said, shaking his head as a small smile crossed his face, "actions speak louder than words. And I can't believe I just quoted her song."

Brian laughed slightly, placing a hand on JC's shoulder. "She's sleeping now, but I'm sure if she knew you were here she'd want to see you."

"I'm not quite sure about that," he said softly, inhaling as he got up, ignoring Brian's quizzical look. "But I will go see her anyhow. Even if it's just for a few seconds." He picked up the flowers, entering the house quickly.

Her door was slightly open, his body turning cold as he was brought back to the past, never wanting to feel the way he just had ever again.

"Drine, where you at?" He set his keys down, shrugging off his zip-up hoodie to block his skin from the cold, eyes wandering around the downstairs curiously. It was nearing midnight, he having spent the last ten hours in the studio, working on more demos for his album. "Audrina?"

The climb up the stairs was like a gradual body weight on his feet. He felt dread form in the pit of his stomach, the door open and her small cries heard from inside. The door suddenly was so far away as he quickly made his way into her bedroom, she sitting on the edge of her bed. "Baby, what's wrong?" He dropped to his knees in front of her, trying to read her face as she looked away, hand over her eyes to hide her tears. "Audrina, baby, you're scaring me."

"Brian's sick," she said, voice hiccuping as his heart sank. "He has to have surgery again. They found another hole. It's bigger than the first one. It went undetected and it grew and now it's a major operation and they don't think his chances are high with how weak his heart is."

"Drina," he said softly, gripping her hands as she looked down at him, biting her lip so hard that her skin had whitened, "he's going to be fine. And after that surgery, you're going to wonder why you worried so much. He's going to be fine. He'll be better than ever and he'll be more in shape than you and I, combined."

"I hope so," she said, tears still falling down her face as he swiped them away, "I can't lose my brother. I don't know what I'd do if he -"

"You won't have to think about that," he said, pulling her to stand with him, "he's going to be fine, Audrina, I promise you. He'll be fine. You'll be fine after this is all over. Life will be better than it used to be, all right? Just, have faith."

She nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her lips to his, he tasting her tears as he frowned, holding her tightly to him. "Thank you."

"Whatever happens, we'll get through it," he promised. "We always do."

They'd get through it, just like he said. They'd get through it. "We will," he said softly, willing himself to push the door open further, her sleeping form curled up in about five or six blankets, skin a ghostly pale. Her fingers were clutching onto a pillow, hair matted to her forehead in a cold sweat. He knew what she had said, he didn't have to question AJ, question her. He knew that she was polar opposite of Brian when it came to things of faith and life. She didn't want to go through all the pain, all the rehabilitation. She was depressed, wanting nothing more than to die and not face any more of what life would throw at her. She wasn't as strong as Brian, not alone, anyway. He didn't have to wait for AJ to tell him what she had said: it was still written all over her face, all over the way she was at that moment.

He took in a shaky breath as he crossed the room, setting the flowers on the nightstand next to the lamp. He eyes drifted back to her face, tears forming in his eyes as he thought of the few weeks that had just happened, not wanting to relive the thoughts that had gone through his mind. He was so afraid he'd lose her that he admitted he still loved her. He was so afraid that there would never be a chance that he told her he loved her, while she was in love with another man.

He studied her face, hand moving up to her forehead and smoothing the hair away from her skin and back against the rest of the light strawberry blond waves that bunched up above her head, her eyelids fluttering with his touch. He placed a kiss on her forehead, lips lingering there at the warmth of her skin to the coolness of his touch, hand still in her hair as her eyes slowly opened, focusing on him. "Hey," he said softly, "you okay?"

She didn't beat around the bush as she shook her head slowly, letting her eyes fall shut again as he lie down next to her, her head immediately going towards his chest, hissing slightly at the pain that it brought in her chest. "I don't think I ever will be."

"Nonsense," he said, shaking his head against hers, "you will be. I promise."

"I don't want to be here," she mumbled, "I can't take this pain anymore ..."

He looked over at the unopened bottle of pain killers, knowing full well that they'd at least help her with the pain and sleep. "Take the medicine, Audrina."

"I don't want to," she said, shaking her head as he pulled away, lifting his body up as he took the bottle, taking the two pills she was supposed to take and the water bottle that had been sitting on the floor next to her bed. "Jace -"

"You'll forget about the pain," he said, "even if it's only for a little while. You need to sleep, Audrina. Please, just take them."

She sighed deeply, rolling onto her back and popping the pills into the back of her throat, accepting the water bottle as she shut her eyes, the pills going slowly down her throat. "Happy?"

"No," he said, she looking at him in confusion, "I'm not because you're not. You've gotta stop carrying yourself like this, Rina; you've gotta realize that you were given another chance. Another chance to live life the way you wanted to the first time around. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, sorry for the situation and realize you're alive. You get to face another day with the people you love. We get to have you around for longer. Just let them help you, let us help you ... stop feeling sorry for yourself."

She frowned, shaking her head and yawning deeply as he watched her shut her eyes, the medication taking it's toll quite quickly on the sleep front. "I can't do this ..."

"You can."

"I don't want to be alone ..."

"You won't be."

"I can't choose between you two," she mumbled, he looking at her in confusion. "Don't make me ..."

"What?" He frowned, seeing that she was already sleeping. What had she just said?

He lie back down, arm supporting the back of his head as he stared at the ceiling. Suddenly, he wasn't quite sure about anything anymore.

"Good morning, beautiful lady!"

She turned her head at the familiar, distant voice that rang in her ears, broad smile forming on her face. "Why, Justin Timberlake," she drawled, batting her eyes, "what brings your sweet little behind to these parts?"

"Well," he said, his own Tennessee twang heavily dripping as he continued their joking back and forth, "I heard this little lady had been sick and had to go for surgery and I thought, 'I should go down and visit her and bring her my Mama's sweet tea and peach cobbler that she loves so much. So, seven days and ten hours later, here I am." He tipped his imaginary hat, stepping down off the landing and into the living area where she was nestled in the corner of the couch, fleece blanket wrapped around her and a pillow propped underneath her feet.

Her ears perked up at the sweets his mother was infamous for, searching for his right hand that had been hiding behind his back. "Please, tell me you brought it!"

"Only for you, darlin'," he smiled, lifting up his hand that held a large brown bag, hearing the liquid swish around in the jug next to the cobbler. "You know Mama doesn't make it for just anybody."

"I knew I dated JC for a reason," she murmured, taking the bag from him and inhaling as she opened the bag, the peach invading her senses quickly. "Peach cobbler, how I've missed you ..."

"I'm sure you didn't just date him to get my mom's food," he chuckled, sitting down on the couch and watching as she leaned forward, taking her empty glass and pouring some tea into it, sipping it with a content smile on her face. "I mean, there was more to your relationship than the tea and cobbler, right?"

She nodded, a slow smile forming on her face. "Lots of sex. Amazing sex."

"Argh," he laughed, shaking his head, "I don't know whether to be proud of JC or disgusted that you had sex with someone I grew up with and it's like hearing about my own big brother and little sister's sex life ... with each other."

"Mmm, incestual," she chuckled, setting the tea back onto the table with the cobbler as she leaned back, head up against the back of the couch. "So really, what brings you all the way out to California when you were in Cincinatti filming?"

"Well," he said, drawing out the last syllable, "we had a six day break and Jess is in New York visiting friends, so I figured why shouldn't I be able to come visit one of my friends?"

She raised an eyebrow. "J, you just came to see me a few months ago."

"All right, so ... JC told me you were up and down with emotions and told me it'd be nice for me to drop by. And, by my own will, I decided to come now rather than later. It's always nice to see you again."

"Yeah, yeah," she chuckled, "you just felt sorry for my depressed ass."

"As hard as it is to believe, Aud, for those six years you and C were together, you were very much a big part of our lives - of my life. And, when you lose something that once was a constant, permanent imprint in your life, it feels weird to have that vacancy. I may not be the greatest at keeping in touch, but I know when someone close to me needs me. JC needed me back then, you need me now.

She scoffed, smirking as he raised an eyebrow at her. "I don't need your scrawny ass. Whoever came up with that idea needs to be put on some looney medicine. I don't need anybody."

"We all need somebody sometimes."

"So who let you in?"

"Your brother. He was just leaving when I pulled in so he unlocked the door and told me you'd be in here watching Discovery Health. Who knew you were so into stories about the ER and baby stories?"

"It's a guilty pleasure," she admitted, shrugging as she turned her attention back to the screen where a doctor was speaking about the woman who had been mauled while riding her mountain bike on a trail with a friend of hers by a mountain lion. "Keeps my mind off of my ailment and on theirs."

"You don't have an ailment," he said, shaking his head. "You had a problem. You figure it out, it gets fixed. Look at your brother; there are no signs of him having an ailment and he almost died on the operating table, too."

"I know."

"I don't know why you're trying to feel sorry for yourself," he frowned, shaking his head and stealing a sip of her tea, "God gave you the gift of life 29 years ago and again a few weeks ago. You were made to be on this earth until the day He decides to take you from it. Not some problem with your heart. You are living, breathing the air that all of the living are breathing, smelling the same flowers we're all smelling. He kept you here because there is something on this earth you are meant to do and you haven't done it yet. I have faith that you're going to be around for a long, long time. Causing problems with us all, making and raising babies, living happily ever after. There's no one else I know that deserves it more than you do. I'm not going to give you the long, long lecture like AJ did or even JC, because you know you were meant to be here. You're just losing faith in yourself. I know this depression isn't about this heart thing. Not all of it, anyway."

She turned her head without a response, letting the silence take over as she watched the doctors then work on a boy with sudden paralysis. Justin was leaning backward on the couch, head tilted to the side to see the television screen, though she wasn't sure that it was the tv he was looking at. She felt his eyes burning into her skin, she trying her best to ignore it as she replayed what he had said back in her head.

He was right; she didn't need to let her worry about her heart take her into a depression. They repaired the problem, and even though she'd have to go get her heart checked more often than not, she could live life without worrying about it, unless something worse came along. She was blessed with life, though it was almost taken from her, and she needed to embrace that it wasn't. She needed every single person she had in her life right now, just as he had said. But why did JC?

Finally, that thought would not die off as she swallowed hard, preparing herself. "J," she asked softly after the show cut to the last commercial before the ending, eyes still glued to the screen, afraid of what he'd say, "why did JC need you?"

She felt his eyes on her as he turned his attention away from the set, eyes settling on the side of her face. "Because he didn't have you anymore," he said softly, not missing a beat between her words and his. "Because he didn't have you to go home to. Because he lost the one thing he had for so long that made him feel alive that he suddenly felt like he had no purpose. Because he knew letting go of you was the worst thing he had ever decided to do in his entire life and he had to live with the regret and he didn't know how. Because I was the only one who understood why he was so afraid and didn't threaten to disown him because of what he brought himself to do between the two of you. Because I," he stopped for a moment, voice becoming faint, "I was the only one who held onto the faith that you two would get back together someday. While everyone was telling him he had lost you for good, I held onto the knowledge that you were helplessly in love with him, as he was to you. I know him better than he knows himself. I know things about him you probably don't even know yet ... but you will. I know you will."

"Like how he bought an engagement ring and then chickened out before giving it to me?"

"He never told me, but I knew. I found it the day he bought it; tucked in his suitcase that he was packing for our yearly trip to the Bahamas. I needed his organizer to add a radio interview for the day after we got back and it was underneath it. Before he could even notice I found it, I put the ring and organizer back and walked away, asking him to get it for me while I finished up in his studio. One of the unspoken things I knew about him that he didn't know I knew about."

"Like what," she asked, reaching for the remote and turning off the television, her full attention on him. When he sat there, silent with a look of anxiety on his face, she only wanted to know more. "Justin, please."

He ran a hand through his short hair, sighing deeply. "I swear, if you let this all slip that I told you; that I even know, I'm going to personally come back and cut all your hair off while you're sleeping." He watched as she nodded, turning her body to fully face him. "The day he left you, he came to my house. Not my L.A. house, but my house in Tennessee. He drove to the airport after he walked out your door and stood in front of mine. Cameron answered the door and he had these ... sunglasses on and a baseball cap tugged real low on his face and when I heard her concerned voice call for me, I knew something was wrong. That, and it was eleven o'clock at night and he was standing on my doorstep, looking as if a Mack truck ran his face over numerous times."

"He asked to talk to me, and I could just tell he was upset. Cam went upstairs while he and I went down to my studio. As soon as I turned on the lights and he stepped onto the landing, I saw him breakdown. I didn't even get to ask him what was wrong and I saw him crumble to the floor. He had his hands over his face and he kept saying over and over that he just ruined his life, that he screwed up so bad and I could only think, 'Oh, God, he cheated on her ...' but when he pulled his hands away from his face, I knew it was worse than that. He cried so hard, Rina. He knew he messed up; he knew he made a mistake. He had it in his mind that he wasn't ready for something that we all knew he was ready for, even if we teased him about it. And I know now that our teasing was part of his chickening out with the engagement ring. I wish it wasn't, because I only wanted him to be happy with you, because that was all he ever was; even on the bad days when the two of you were fighting. He loved every side of you, even the angry side. You were the only woman he was ever with that never pushed him for marriage, for babies; never trapped him into almost being a father without him knowing until it was almost too late - the only one he knew wanted both things so bad, but never, ever pressured him. That was when he saw himself marrying you, being a father. And then he let his mind run and he let his feet take him running, too."

"J," she said, he shaking his head to stop her as he lifted a hand, "please -"

"He still loves you, Audrina," he said softly, eyes burning into hers. "He loves you probably just as much, if not more than he did before. And it kills him to see you with someone who is giving you the same thing he has given and could be giving you right now. AJ is a great guy, who treats you great, but I'm JC's friend first. I want you two to be together so bad that it nearly hurts for me. He has never loved someone like he loves you. I don't think you realize just how much he hates himself for leaving like he did. I know that if he could turn back time and fix it, he would. If he would have listened to himself and not let what we teased him about get in the way, you'd be wearing his ring, and not some ring that AJ thought would cheer you up."

"I know he loves me," she frowned, looking down at her fingers, "he told me at the hospital after I asked him about it."

"And do you?"

She looked at Justin, confused. "Do I, what?"

"Do you still love him?"

She opened her mouth to speak, unsure if she wanted to divulge any answer to anybody at the moment. "J -"

"Hey, you home?!"

She felt her stomach calm with relief as she pulled her blanket off of her legs, scrambling to greet the voice that was nearing. "Drea!"

"Hey, honey," she smiled as she wrapped her arms around her friend, hugging her tightly. "How are you feeling?"

"A lot better," she said, "still slightly emotional, but I guess it comes with the territory."

"They should put you on medication for that," she said softly, pulling away and smoothing her hair against her face. "Just until you let your own body rejuvenate and your mind energizes again. I don't need you thinking the way you did -"

"J's here," she said, breaking off the subject before it got too serious, taking her friend's hand and leading her into the living room. "J, you remember Aundrea, right?"

"Of course," he smiled, getting up and greeting her in a slight hug. "It's good to see you again."

"You too," she smiled, both women watching as he grabbed his keys from the table, Audrina looking at him quizzically. "I'm going to go see what JC's up to. I told him I'd drop by after I swung by here. Besides, two women and me are probably not a good mixture," he said, grinning. "Audrina, just remember what I said, all right?"

She nodded. "I will. Thank you. And thank you for the tea and cobbler, too."

He smiled. "Anytime, mami; anytime." He placed a kiss to the side of her head before excusing himself to leave, the room silent until the gentle click of her front door was heard.

"And what do you have to remember?"

She turned to look at Aundrea, sighing deeply. "All this stuff about JC. It's really ... not something I want to dive into right now."

"Fine by me," Aundrea said, shrugging as she gave her a wide grin. "I brought movies. Lots of movies." She held up her purse, DVD's spilling out over the top as Audrina laughed slightly. "You sure you don't want to talk about it," she asked, seeing that the laugh soon disappeared, only to be taken over by a bothered look. "I mean, you don't have to get all into it, even a general idea is still talking about it."

Audrina nodded, sitting down and pulling the blanket back over her body. "The general idea is what got me into this mess in the first place."

"That one," Audrina said, pointing to the lyrics that were on the top, "is the one I started writing just before he found me and called the ambulance. And that one," she pointed to lyrics scattered below it, "is what I've been playing with for the last week."

"It's very evident who these are about," she said, closing the notebook to let her friend have the rest of her lyrics to herself until she figured them out. "So ...."

Audrina shrugged, taking the notebook and setting it down next to the tea. "So, I'm in love with him. Kind of hard to stop loving him when he just up and left."

"That would have made me not love him anymore."

"I thought so, too. But apparently, that's just not in my cards. I don't want to hurt AJ; I don't want to just throw it out that I'm in love with he and JC - but JC a little more. He's been so good to me and has been my rock ever since I got out of the hospital, but I can't help what I feel ..."

"I think if you let it, your heart will answer for you," Aundrea said softly, "you've just got to listen."

Audrina sat back, closing her eyes and listening to her friend as she rummaged through her purse for a movie, trying so hard to listen to her heart, to hear the answer without it being said aloud. It was difficult, listening to the one thing that got her in the predicament in the first place. "I don't know why I'm trying to figure it out, Aundrea," she said, opening her eyes and sighing deeply. "He may love me, but he still doesn't want the life I want."

"Well, then, I think you have your answer."

"Yeah," she said softly, shaking her head. "It's worthless waiting around for that when I've already got the life I've always wanted. He'd have to prove himself in order for me to even think about it again."

"You drive your own fate, Audrina; life just gives you a little push. You decide what happens. Don't let a silly feeling of not wanting to hurt someone get in your way. You've put everyone ahead of yourself ever since I can even remember. It's time for you to take care of yourself. Regardless of the consequences."

"You're right," she said softly. "I just hope I can figure out what it is I want more before it's too late." When Aundrea looked at her weirdly, she continued. "Do I want to be content with a husband and kids? Or do I want to be deliriously happy living with my boyfriend who doesn't want to be my husband or give me kids?"

"I think ... either way, you'd be unhappy. You want the kids and the husband, but you want JC to be the husband. This is just one call you've got to handle, Drine. I can't help you."

"I know," she said, sighing deeply. "I don't even think I can help myself."

"How's she been?"

He cradled the phone between his ear as he continued packing, sighing slightly as he thought of the past six and a half weeks. "She has her good days and bad days. With Brian and AJ both having to go to New York and deal with group stuff, she's only had Aundrea, Aubrey and I. She's been a lot more distant towards me the past weeks, too."

"Why? You two didn't have a fight, did you?"

He crumpled the letter in his hand, angry tears forming as he clenched his eyes shut, hearing her laughter ring in his mind, seeing her smile behind his eyelids. That part of the letter, she wrote and sold the rights to a group, it being around the time she took a break from the music industry. The moment it hit airwaves, he knew who it was written by, who it was about.

He threw the paper down, walking quickly towards his bedside table and grabbing his car keys, he running out of his home and quickly to his car, not worrying about locking up. The only worry he had was to get to where he was going.

And soon.

She held onto the acoustic guitar, eyes closed as she tried to remember the words she had been thinking of earlier on in the day, unable to get to a piece of paper or recorder to make note of the words that played on her mind like a broken record, plagued her like a terminal disease, but suddenly was cured. Suddenly, she couldn't remember the words.

She strummed, hitting a chord and shaking her head. Strumming repeatedly until she hit the right note that sounded like the word, a small smile formed on her face when she remembered.

Success. She remembered. And just like the plague, his face returned in her mind, she continuing to strum and ad-lib, unsure of what was even coming out, but never stopping, letting the words just flow out.

A knock on the door stopped her abruptly, she sitting only feet away from the door in her sitting area where her baby grande and acoustic guitars rested when she wasn't using them, lights dim, but bright enough for her to see the car sitting at the top of the curve in her driveway, it too familiar to her.

The knock came again, she setting her guitar down and to the side of her as she got up quickly. He never knocked, he always just came in, just like everybody did. It probably was a big issue, but at that moment, she wasn't too worried about it. "Jace?" She asked, hand to the door as she heard him say her name, it barely audible. She turned the doorknob, eyes widening as she took in his face. "Are you okay?"

He walked in, wordless, watching her as she turned, eyes still on him as she shut and locked the door. "I need you."

She shook her head slightly, taken aback by his words. "You need me? You need me to what?"

They both jumped at the roar of thunder that shook the house slightly, he dropping his keys, watching as her eyes followed them and took the risk, stepping in and grabbing her face and catching her attention, pressing his lips to hers.

She gripped his wrists, pulling away in shock and breathless. "Josh -"

"I need you." It was simple, meaning more than any of the times they had short rendez-vous during the tour, his words hitting the chord in her heart that made her vulnerable to him again, letting him take her back into his arms and kiss her, mouth molding against hers like it had always done, fitting perfectly. Her stomach fluttered at the familiar touch that she had not had in such a long time, melting against him, feeling his mouth part slightly as his tongue traced her bottom lip.

He lifted her against him, grabbing her leg and wrapping it around his waist, she taking the cue and wrapping her other around him, mouths never parting as he took the stairs as quick as he could, literally holding her body with one arm as he reached forward, opening up her bedroom door and kicking it shut once they were in.

"Tell me this is wrong," he said softly as he broke the kiss, laying her down on the bed as she sat up, shaking her head and grabbing the collar of his shirt, pulling him to her as she used her legs to move further up onto the bed, his body barely above hers as her head hit the pillow, kissing him again.

Her skin was hot as his fingers tugged at the hem of her shirt, bunching it up with his fingers and pulling as her body tensed, lust-filled blue meeting frightened green. "You're perfect," he said softly, kissing the newly exposed skin tenderly as he continued pulling the fabric upward and off of her body, kissing the purple scar that rested between the valley of her breasts and a few inches above. "Perfect," he murmured, bringing his mouth back up to hers and kissing her deeply.

Her fingers gripped his shoulders as his hips ground into hers, she feeling the erection against her as she broke the kiss, sitting up and pulling at his shirt, it soon off and joining hers on the floor. His hands unhooked her bra with ease, he pulling her flush up against him as the two of them knelt on the bed, her hands fumbling with the button on his jeans and his untying the drawstring of her pajama pants. Groaning when he felt her hand slide between the two fabrics, her hand bringing goosebumps to his skin as she slowly pumped him, he unable to take it as he grabbed the back of her thighs, she crying out as he put her on her back, laughing at his eagerness while undressing the both of them in mere seconds, yet getting irritated with her pants that got stuck on her ankle.

"Easy, killer," she said softly as she leaned sideways in her laying position to pull the pajama pants off and tug her boyshorts off with it, eyes teasing him as he groaned again, the warmth of their bodies already driving him crazy. "We've got all night, you know."

He nodded, pressing his lips to her collarbone and traveling down her body, remembering it like it always had been. Her hands wove through his hair, gripping it as he flicked a nipple with his tongue, closing his mouth down on it as she cried out. He couldn't help but grin, the sudden feeling of victory racing through his brain.

His hand lowered on her body, sliding between her legs and parting them to grant him access to her warmth, she dropping her jaw as her eyes fluttered shut in a silent moan as his hand cupped her, thumb caressing the bud. "I was such a fool," he murmured, lowering his head as he continued to pump inside of her, "such a fool to let you go."

"Oh, God," she murmured, biting her lip as his mouth continued where his thumb left off, she now gripping the pillow below her head, already breathing heavy as she lifted her head, watching him and feeling her heart beat fast as his eyes connected with hers, suddenly moving away from her lower half and putting his mouth to hers as she tasted herself, reaching between them and stroking him, feeling his shaft pulse between her fingers as she pumped up and down slowly, he pulling away and looking between him, head dropping to her shoulder as she continued her movements, she stopping suddenly as he looked at her, curious.

"Are you okay," he asked softly, seeing the unreadable look on her face. "Audrina, please, say something."

She licked her lips as she tried to catch her breath, eyes searching his. "I need you, too."

He felt his heart jump at her words, he placing a kiss to her forehead and then to her lips. "You don't know how good it feels to hear that."

"I don't think you know how good it is to hear you say that," she said softly, he looking down at her with a sad expression on his face. "How good it sounds ..."

He kissed her again, eyes falling closed as he entered her, she raking her nails down his back as he did so, gripping his shoulders tightly as her legs wrapped around his hips, the feeling one that she always remembered, but thought she had forgotten. Their hips moved rhythmically, slow and gentle at first, but soon, they were harder, more want-filled as he came, she biting his shoulder hard as she followed soon after, he collapsing against her, spent.

"Audrina," he said softly, voice raspy as he slowly caught his breath, watching her as she slowly licked her lips, eyes fluttering open as her head turned to meet his gaze. "I love you. I don't expect you to say it, because I know you've got AJ and -"

"You're right, I do," she said, suddenly angry at herself that she had let what had just happened, happen. She slid out from beneath him, grabbing her clothes and putting them against her body. "This was a mistake. A lust-filled mistake that should never have happened. You have to leave. Please, just leave ..." She stood there, watching as he got up, pulling on his jeans and looking at her incredulously. "JC, please. Please, don't make this harder than it already is for me. I love you, God, do I love you, but this can't happen. We can't happen. Please, just go." She turned quickly, escaping to her bathroom and shutting the door, locking it behind her as she leaned up against the door, tears burning her eyes as she dropped her clothes in anger and frustration.

"Rina, c'mon, talk to me," he said softly, "I'm not going to leave without talking about this ..."

"It's too late to talk about this," she said, voice strained from the tears. "Please, just go ... just leave me alone to pick up the mess we made."

"Audrina -"

"Josh, go!" She was sobbing now, turning her body and leaning up against the door, not knowing that he was doing the same thing on the other side. "Please, just go ..."

"Okay," he said softly, defeated. "I'll go. But just know that I don't regret this. I won't ever. I don't care how wrong it was, I will never regret it because it was with you. I love you, Audrina. When I'm on my deathbed and you're still not speaking to me, I'll still be loving you because that's who I am and what we are. I love you. I'll never stop. Not for anything, not for anyone."

She heard him leave her room and go down the stairs, clenching her eyes tightly as the tears began to fall faster, a sob escaping her throat as the events replayed over and over in her mind. "I love you, too ..."

"In light of recent events and surgery that have grounded singing sensation Audrina Littrell for weeks after a life-threatening heart attack that nearly took her life, Littrell has spent the last eight weeks out of the spotlight. In the confines of her own home and rehabilitation centers, she has been getting her body back on track for the world tour that had been planned months before the life saving surgery. Littrell, who has not been seen by the media and fans alike since, finally surfaced last night at the album release party for her boyfriend, Backstreet Boy AJ McLean.

Littrell, looking subdued and dressed for the occasion, was seen shifting from foot to foot throughout the entire night. The singer seems to be uneasy to re-enter the pop life after she nearly lost her own."

Our own guest correspondent, Aubrey O'Day, who is now performing on Broadway as Amber in Hairspray, weighs in on Littrell, who is also one of her closest friends.

"Hi, E!"

Audrina turned her head from lying on her side on the couch, shifting her legs from AJ's lap as she watched her friend, completely dressed in character, addressed the public. "She looks beautiful."

"She does," AJ agreed, squeezing her hand as she sat up next to him. "Broadway was just waiting for her."

She nodded, eyes glued to her friend as she talked to Ryan Seacrest about her.

"She's doing well; it'd be a lie to say she came out of the surgery just the same, because she didn't. I don't know of many people who would, given the circumstances -"

"And those circumstances would be her almost dying on the table." Ryan interrupted her, Aubrey nodding from the larger image of herself, while Ryan was in a picture-in-picture.