Imagine being on a secluded island, the sun beaming down on you, the salted water of the sea surrounding you- washing ashore and cleansing your feet. The rays of the sun cover your body more than the pieces of garment you adorn and life as you know it couldn't be more perfect. Now imagine that same secluded island, except instead of it being secluded its more like deserted. And the hot sun, well it's beaming alright- but frying the hell out of your dry skin since the pieces of garment you adorn have been slowly falling apart with each day that passes. The soft waves that you think look so picturesque, washing up on shore and kissing your feet, are actually quite ugly and brown and you feel more like your under attack when the salt from the water dissolves itself in your open foot wounds. I've spent months trying to conjure up the best metaphoric description of how one would describe Justin Timberlake in contrast to how I would describe Justin Timberlake, and I must say I've done a pretty damn good job. I've known the man for six months, eight days, two hours and some odd minutes. Today is June 23rd and it is approximately one'o clock in the afternoon, and if you haven't figured by now- I am a counter- so naturally I'm counting down the minutes until this dreadful day dwindles down to its end. Unfortunately for me, time seems to be on a stand still, and the day seems to have no intention of abiding by my wishes.

" Bryne James!" That would be me, and before you get the wrong impression, I am not a man. I blame that reoccurring assumption on my mother. She had some asnine logic that my name would transcend genders and get my foot in many doors that would have otherwise been closed. I shouldn't call her logic asnine, and actually I should never use the word asnine as an adjective in any sentence to describe my mother- but today's a bad day so allow me my faults. I ignored the voice and kept moving, hoping that I would eventually disappear in the masses. I was on a crowded New York street, trying to make my way down to the corner Starbucks without any encounters, but I could see clear as day that my hopes of that happening were now out the door. " Ms. James!" The loud voice was causing heads to turn and I stiffened when I began to feel several pair of eyes watching me. I just wanted my coffee, what could whoever it was possibly want. I slowed my pace, still contemplating if I should turn around, and then just stopped- ignorant to the grunts I bgean receiving for making such a brash decision in the middle of New York City sidewalk traffic.

"Keep it movin' lady." Some absurd Italian fat man boomed while pushing past me. I swallowed back my initial retort and instead turned towards the voice that followed behind me. I wasn't surprised to see Andy dodging through the crowd, pushing his glasses back on his forehead all while flagging a manila folder high above his head. Andy Rockmaker, the protegee from hell. He was a ball of...well let's just say he was a ball. He was round, and big, and seemed to always bounce with every step he took. By the time he reached me, sweat was pouring down his face, which tickled me since he was only about five steps behind me. I cocked my head to the side, lowering my oversized shades and smiled expectantly towards him. He was such a flunkie, but he really was a sweetheart, he's probably the only one from Justin's camp that I ever attempted to give the time of day.

" Thank you for stopping." Andy rushed, placing his hands on his portruding stomach and smoothing out his frumpled button down shirt. Like most men who have the belly and forget that it's a problem, he had his too tight shirt tucked in. His even tighter pants hugged his legs even down to his shoes which I thought pointed a little too much at the toe. He was cute, in that ball of fun sort of way. He was like an oversized teddy bear that liked to cuddle with other "teddy" bears, if you get my drift.

" I wasn't going to..but then I'd have to hear my name being screamed at me all the way to Starbucks." I smirked and took his arm to pull us inside the little bakery shop we were standing in front of. I was already a nuisance for blocking the sidewalk, Andy was a fucking road block. I inhaled the familiar scents of cinnamon and vanilla as we enetered the shop and wondered if I should purchase a little danish before leaving to make my way to starbucks. Just thinking of my coffee crave and now this detour from it made me begin to frown. I was sure Andy was going to say something that had little to no interest for me, but because I liked him I was prepared to give him five minutes.

" Mr. Timberlake..." Cut that down to two minutes, I thought as I grimaced inwardly. What was it with that damn cock headed weasel that he couldn't leave well enough alone. I was ignoring what Andy had to say, since after he uttered his boss' name my thoughts took me elsewhere. Like I mentioned earlier, I've known Justin Timberlake for approximately six moths...eight days, two hours..and well you get the point. I'm anal when it comes to counting. It's like borderline obsessive compuslive. I can't help it. Sometimes it's useful, other times it's just an annoying habit. So I met Justin back in January, we were both attending an art gallery after party of a mutual friend. I didn't know how he managed to know Belinda Early, our friend, but he was there in all his glory parading around like a damn cocked up celebrity. I had personally thought he was stealing all of Belinda's spot light, since it appeared that most of the attention was being geared toward him. The reason I was so concerned was because A- Belinda is my favorite friend and B- I had put the event together. It was actually my big debut and Belinda had entrusted me with putting together the best PR function my little heart could muster. I called in so many favors and pulled so many strings that I was really feeling myself when it came down that intial first encounter. The galla had went smoothly and the party had pretty much just started when in entered Mr. Hollywood. He wasn't at the art galla, and he wasn't on the guest list so I wasn't expecting to see him breeze through the entrance. He came with a little party of his own and they pretty much swanked the place. I was horrified. I had quickly sought out Belinda, who was floating on cloud nine with whatever drink she was nursing sitting amongst her art friends. I forget their names, which really doesn't matter since they'd all probably take to being referred to by symbols- they were that deep. Anyway, by the time I finally explained the Justin Timberlake situation, she was already out of my arms and racing to his side. And then the fiasco began.

" Ms. James?" I was brought back to reality for a brief moment and offered a closed mouth smile as reassurance that I was listening, but just as soon drifted off when Andy continued his rant. I remember watching in horror as the two proceeded to devour each other on sight. It was disgusting really, because instead of doing so in their right mind, they were both clearly off their fucking rocker. It felt like nearly everyone zeroed in on them, which did nothing to calm their passion. Finally I saw one of the bug burly men Justin stepped in with pull them apart and proceed to escort them into a private room. I know I should have turned the other cheek, but they were NOT about to do the funky monkey on my watch! It was when I caught myself tripping over the spiral staircase on my way towards them when it dawned on me that Justin Timberlake was in a alleged "serious" relationship with Cameron Diaz. I couldn't handle the possibility of word spreading that I allowed something as raunchy as what they were about to do happen, not when I was just getting in the game and I planned to make this a frequented venue. Worse enough, it was a family owned business, who was already a little leery about having this type of gathering in the first place. Not to mention the publicity that would surely follow Belinda and no doubt Justin once this got out. I was a nervous wreck when I finally reached the door, only to find that I had made it just in time. If Charles Pickney could see what his office had become, I thought to myself astonished to see Belinda bet over his desk with Justin standing behind her. Luckily her ass was the only skin exposed since Justin was in the process of unzipping his pants. My uncle was going to kill me if he ever found this was happening. Determined not to let the initial shock of it all sway me, I marched directly toward them and pulled Justin away from her. I ignored his protests, and didn't even bother to acknowledge hers as I shoved her out the room. It wasn't until we were halfway down the hall that I realized Justin still hadn't emerged. I had found one of my assistants and left Belinda with her while I went back for Justin. When I reached the room, he was leaning against the desk, his pants now open staring at me like I had two heads. I took a moment to glare at his body guards who just smirked in response and wondered why the hell they were apart of Justin's entarouge if clearly they weren't there to help. When I finally made my way to him, hollering for him to get himself together, he just smiled pulling me closer to him. That's when I heard the first camera flash.

" I have to go Andy." Remembering that night just sent a wave of naseau to overcome me. It was now six months...eight days, now three hours and..well you know- since that happened and I still haven't been able to live those pictures down. I hadn't even jumped on the scene, before I was all over it. Those pictures had resurfaced three hundred and seventy-two times that I know about and every time I become a little more angrier. I had stopped talking to Belinda for well over three months..in fact it was..well I won't go there, but it took a LONG while before I could even muster a civil hello. As for Justin, he's damn near stalked me with his camp of assitants after about three unwelcomed attempts of face to face apologies. He's resorted to now sending Andy, since he's realized he is the only one I will talk to.

" I know, and I thank you for staying this long..but could you please..."

" No Andy, I can't." I sigh, not wanting to sound angry because Andy really didn't deserve my mood. He was just here on behalf of Justin, and as far as that little twirp is considered he can just kiss my ass. He had went from just pissing me off because he damn near ruined my reputation before it was created, now- after a little insight into him and Belinda- I'm downright pissed off. I rarely allow him to be brought up in our conversation, but for when I do it's always to convince her to leave him the hell alone. He's America's sweetheart alright, but I think he's the devil in disguise.

" He really insists..."

" Believe me, I could care less." I'm also a little bitter, because you see, America still hasn't caught wind of him. They're too busy exposing the Britney's and Lindsey's when in all reality Justin is more fucked up than the both of them. And I only met the guy once. The shit I've come to know about him is ruthless. I know I only hear one side, and probably all the bad stuff- or at least that's all I pay attention to- but the man is no saint. It was like a short frenzy for him, whereas for me- well I have to explain that incident off to damn near every club owner, every client, my family...

" He's really..."

" Sorry..yea I've heard. Tell him to can it, and leave me alone before I put out a restraining order." I know my threats are bullshit, and they'll probably never make it back to Justin. But if the day ever came that I could finally say all that I want to say to him, I'd surely make good on every idle threat. He's a pompous ass, and the sooner the world realizes the better I might feel.

I was now back in my office and still perturbed from the sidewalk scene with Andy. For my troubles, he offered to buy me a danish and my cafe` latte out of pocket. He even apologized for my inconvenience, as he always does, and walked me back to my office with no other talk of Justin. This is how I've come to know Andy. After the pretense of him doing his job and me shooting him down, we then continue in on in light banter and conversation until our business lives resurface again and we go our seperate ways. I don't know how Justin figured out I get along with Andy, but I have no doubt that it came from Belinda. Scooting further into my chair I opened the files spread across my desk and began to pick through my clientele list for the week. Though I suffered a bit of a rough patch right after that first gig, business has been in full swing. This week alone I have three big gigs two of which are just about completed. I've been researching different venues and have finally settled on two that fit the events needs perfectly. The third event I wasn't quite so sure about. I was hired through a third party- which was unusual in itself- but I'm game for whatever brings in the revenue. The event is for an up and coming artist, who was just looking for a little spot that provided just the right amount of intimacy for them and the audience. I believed it was to be a listening party, so I figured I'd check out a couple of jazz spots in center city to see if they'd like them. They were to be my three o'clock appointment, which only left me a few minutes to prepare my pitch. I was hoping they'd go for 'The Red Door'- which happens to be my favorite spot in the city. I usually go there on friday nights with my girlfriend, Miranda. It's a bit of a ritual, like a weekly anniversary, wince 'The Red Door' is where I first met her. Miranda Martinez, my partner, said she noticed me from the first time i walked through the doors and sat at the table on the far left. That was my usual spot, now our usual spot, every time we go. She is the owner of the club, something that surprised me even more than to find the attractive thirty-something year old dark haired woman buying me a drink. Miranda was very forward, which caught me off guard at first. We met about three years ago, and I was still new to the city- barely eighteen. Needless to say I wasn't drinking at the time, and even when I protested- explaining my age- she pushed the cup of liquid toward me. That was the beginning of a beautiful night. I had gotten so drunk and filled with pent up desire from her eyes groping me all night that I went home with her and made love to a woman for the first time. Everything after that happened so fast, and now we share an apartment on the Upper East side and have our weekly date at 'The Red Door'. This week I swayed her in to letting me bring my client on Friday, since that was when the house band played, and I new they would have an amazing featured artist. I wanted my client to see the venue at it's best. I was planning on showing it second. I figured if I show them a place that's missing what 'The Red Door' has first, and then show them a complete dive last- they'll go for my pick. Sometimes you have to con them into your line of thinking, people don't always know what they want. I smiled to myself as I scribbled down more ideas when the knocks at my office door had me about ready to jump out of my skin. I gathered my brow and wondered why it was Tameka, my secretary didn't buzz me to let me know they arrived. More importantly, why didn't she escort them. Standing up, I smoothed down the arms of my cream silk blouse and sighed in content when I noticed there were no wrinkles in my stretch high waisted black pencil skirt. Pushing my hair behind my shoulder I opened the door and gasped in surprise.

" What are you doing here?!" I may have looked shock, but my voice was right on the mark. I heard the no nonesense tone spill out my mouth. He had the nerve to smirk, his eyes taking there time to run the length of my body before they met with mine. I cringed inwardly, not at all in the mood to be bothered. I had a client that would be walking through my door any minute and I didn't need him there causing a scene.

" I have an appointment."

" What are you talking about?" I spewed, knowing that nowhere on my itinerary was there a slot for Justin Timberlake. Not that there ever would be. I placed my hand on my hip and pursed my lips trying to contain my control. I didn't have the time to play games with him, and he already had his daily stalker moment when he sent Andy by, so the purpose for him standing in my doorway was unbeknownst to me. I let my eyes run the course of his tall lean body and could easily see why America loved him so much. He looked every bot of the part of the clean slate icon he was portrayed to be. Aside from his little aftershadow growing along the side of his face, he looked clean cut and very well put together. He wore a simple long sleeve fitted shirt and a pair of William Rast Jeans. His smile was perfect, and it bothered the hell out of me. " I'm your three o'clock."

" No." Like hell he was, I thought to myself. I would just as soon lose this account before I ever consider doing business with him. I know it sounds childish, but I don't like him. In fact I can't stand him, and he wants me to put together an event that would be taking place after hours..at my girlfriend's club. He has got to be insane.

" Yes...I am."

" Well there has been a mistake. There's a policy in this office, which also applies to my life, NO Justin Timberlake." I crossed my hands over my chest and dared him to let his eyes even begin to venture. He didn't seemed moved by my stubborness, in fact he looked tickled. I wanted to slap the smile off his face, but that would be rude and highly unprofessional. Not that it matters, since I will NOT be doing business with him anyday.

" That's harsh." he placed his hand on his chest and feigned a look of hurt. I rolled my eyes and moved to close my door. So much for my excitement on this account, as far as I was concerned it was a done deal. He knudged his foot in the door and proceeded to follow behind me into my office as I walked to my desk. I took a seat and picked up the phone, completely ignoring him as he closed the door and took the seat across from me. " Who are you calling."

" The police." I paused and waited as the operator answered. Before I could make out a clear voice, I heard the click of the phone and saw that Justin had intercepted the call by hanging up. I sighed in frustration and hung up the receiver. I took a moment to just stare at him, hoping that he's at least sense that he had no way of getting through to me. I didn't have time for his bullshit, and he'd be kidding himself if he thought he could use his charm to sway me. I've never been with a man, never want to be, and whether he knew it or not he had no chance of using his appeal on me.

" Listen. I know you hate me for that pic or watever.."

" Whatever...that "pic" cost me a hell of a lot of embarassment and clients!"

" Come off it, you know you've got better business now than before." he sneered and I would have protested if it wasn't true. Yes the picture was a nightmare, but it did bring me fame, ill gotten fame, but my name was out there none the less. I lowered my eyes into slits, angered that he was able to make a valid point.

" What do you want." It should have been phrased as a question, but that would mean I really wanted to know.

" You to forgive me."

" When pigs fly."

" Your ruthless..." he chuckled to himself, but quickly turned serious. His eyes focused in on me as he leaned forward and placed his arms against the edge of my desk. I backed up a little, feeling the distance close in between us. Drawing in a breath, I waited for him to continue. he'd already been in my office for four minutes and some odd seconds, he had another minute before I pushed the security button underneath my desk. " Look, I want you to plan a listening party for my man JC."

" As in JC Chasez?" I kicked myself for being curious, but I was. I remember JC from 'NSYNC, he was actually my favorite and I thought he could sing better than Justin too. I should tell him that, see how fast it would wipe off the smile spreading across his face.

" Yeah..he's layed down a couple of tracks that I think some heavy producers should give a listen to." Kill me now, I know I'm interested. But the thought of working with Justin makes my skin crawl, the man is a thorn in my side. I knew he was back in NY, because his damn flunkies began flooding my office with daily visits and Belinda had been missing in action for the past week. When she gets like that I don't hawk her down, i know she's either with Justin or crying over him and I don't have the time or patience to deal with either. If it makes me a horrible friend, oh well. Like I said before, I have a strict rule, NO Justin Timberlake.

" Of all firms, why this one?" I know, its a surefire way to get a client to walk out, but in this case thats exactly what I want. I'm sure it's chance of a lifetime, but I'd rather wait on another one.

" I like you."

" Funny, the feeling is definitely not mutual." I sang, beginning to rummage through my papers, trying to pretend that his presence didn't bother me. I didn't like the way his eyes kept penetrating me everytime I looked at him, and that damn smile I wish he would just do away with it. What the hell is so gotdamn peachy that he feels a need to smile all the damn time? I was moving my hand to cover the button when his voice interrupted my thoughts.

" I'll pay you twice what you charge." my mouth dropped open and I momentarily gave in to the shock. I could rack up serious revenue, put my name even further out there and manage to boost my clientele list. Judging from his taste, Justin would have the place decked out with more than enough potential clients. All I would have to do is wow them with this party, and I'd be on their speend dial for the next. My mouth watered at the thought.

" I hate you."

" I didn't know you felt so strongly." He looked calm, like the bite of my words had no effect on him and for a moment I felt stupid. Then I remembered the fact that he was fucking Belinda while flaunting Cameron and my reasoning didn't seem so off. He was a bastard, whether he could get me business or not. It still doesn't change that I think he's a jackass.

" Now you do." I hissed and rubbed my temples. I closed my eyes and practiced breathing in. It was surreal that I was sitting in my office, having this conversation with Justin and even considering taking him up on his offer. " Why can't I work with JC?" When I opened my eyes I was taken aback by the storm clouds building in his own. I was being a bit harsh, but it still surprised me to see that he was getting angry.

" You know what Bryne. I'm trying to be professional..but fuck, what do you want from me?!" His eyebrows gathered together and his voice seemed to get louder. " What..what is it Bryne. I been apologizing to your stubborn ass for months now..what more do you want. I was lifted alright, high off my ass..I'm sorry." He pushed back into his chair and just glared towards me. My mouth now hung open in shock and I counted about forty seconds before I felt myself closing it. Lowering my eyes from him, I regained my composure and reached for the receiver of my phone. " What you wanna call the police now?" he shook his head and waited, watching as I dialed a number and cradled the phone in my receiver.

" Meek...call back the clubs I was supposed to see today and reschedule..." I looked up and waited for Justin to catch wind of the conversation. He perked up slightly, sitting up and shrugging. He mouthed the words tomorrow and I quickly glanced at my calendar. " for tomorrow, same time. If there are any problems,let me know." I hung up the phone and avoided eye contact, I didn't need to see one of him smiling like an idiot.

" Tomorrow at three." he didn't sound to happy as he moved to stand and I quickly glanced up to see he was in fact scowling. Serves him right, I grimaced inwardly.

" Yeah..if that works for you." I didn't care if he was upset, I've been pissed for sometime now. I didn't let my voice falter and I could tell it bothered him still that I wasn't letting my guard up. He just looked at me and shook his head, his anger filling the sigh that escaped his lips.

" Iight B...you got it."

I couldn't wait to get out of her office. It was suffocating. Her hopping all down my throat over some shit that happened last year didn't exactly help either. She acts as if I fuckin raped her, when I barely even kissed her. I was high as a fucking kite that night, and to be honest I barely remember anything. I was just trying to stay in Belinda's good graces, since it was all she bitched about that next morning. That's why I began apologizing. I even went down to the the girl's house and offered fucking flowers, and she slammed the door in my face. I tried it again twice, and then i just started sending my flunkies. It seemed like Andy was the only one that could get through to her, so I sent him most above all the rest. Either way, it did nothing to heal the wound because it was quite obvious she was still just as angry- of not angrier. What was the big deal anyway? What's worse is that it seems like no matter what I do- because believe me, I've done it- I can't get her to forgive me. Again I ask, what is the big fucking deal?! I stormed out of her office, barely acknowledging the secretary I heard her call Tameka as I pushed passed the door. I pulled the sleeves up on my shirt, in desperate need of some air because it seemed like all of it was sucked out of me while in the presence of one angry fucking Bryne James. She was a fucking piece of work. I'm getting a headache just thinking about her. I nodded towards Lonnie, my bodyguard, who was taking residence up on the steps that lead to the door of Bryne's office. We exchanged looks, and no words were said as he led the way out to my limo. I jumped in the back seat and was thankful to see that Lonnie took the hint and sat up front with the driver. I needed some space, especially after dealing with that force of a woman. I leaned my head against the leather seat and stared into the ceiling. I closed my eyes when I grew bored with the nothingness and instantly a vision of her popped before me. I guess I was too damn irritated to notice how good she looked in her business attire, but now with nothing but silence around me, I was very much appreciating the fact. I liked the way her skirt waist accentuated her curves, and even the slimming black couldn't hide her nicely sized backside. She looked good. Damn good. But that I new since the first day I decided to go and apologize that following morning. I can't tell you whats kept me motivated enough to keep seeking out her acceptance, but I can tell you she is the first person I thought of when JC and I decided to plan for his listening party. I can't say I remember much of what she did for Belinda's gala, but I do remember hearing about an event she put on for my good friend Ellen, as in Ellen DeGeneres. I almost pissed my pants when Ellen mentioned her one day when idly chatting over lunch. I had just came into to town to congratulate her on her Emmy and after the surprise show appearance, we decided to have a late lunch. Ellen was telling me about how her and Portia had attended this party that had been planned by a new comer who was a woman named Bryne. I knew instantly that she was talking about my Bryne- or rather the Bryne James- because there weren't many women going by that name. I listened intently as she explained all the intricate details that just made the overall experience memorable for her and even stifled a laugh when she even alluded to cheating on Portia with Bryne. It was then that I remembered how beautiful the woman I had been stalking for the past six months, actually was. I had actually forgotten well into the third month of 'stalking' her, because it was like she became apart of my daily agenda. Sign this contract, meet with this producer, apologize to Bryne via Andy, pick up some lingerie for Cam. That was a typical day, and it was like second nature for Bryne to be apart of it. It was only natural when JC and I sat down to seriously discuss a breakthrough for his career, that I thought of the event planner that couldn't even bare the sight of me. I immediately had my manager, Paul, set up a meeting with her agency through a third party company. That way, I was sure I could get my foot in the door and she would at least hear me out. I didn't think I would actually be doing so literally. I smirked to myself when I thought about how absolutely pissed she look when she opened her door to find me standing there. It was a wonder I got out that place alive.

" We're here." I heard Lonnie call from the front and I sat up shaking off my previous thoughts. I stepped outside and onto the darkened pavement that served as Belinda's apartment building parking lot. I nodded towards Lonnie who scanned the area before dropping back into the limo to pull of with the driver. Where I'm going he doesn't need to be and what I'm about to do, he doesn't need to be apart of. I walked into the back door, pulling my cap further down to cover my eyes, and took the steps to her apartment. She lives on the fifth floor, and although its some bullshit, I'm better off taking the steps. When I finally reach her door, I know that she's already got it open. She always does. I stepped inside her apartment and smiled at the picture she has framed of us hanging on the wall beside the door. I stop and stare at the picture, remembering that day on Ellis Island when we took it. It was right before I hit it big with my group 'NSYNC. I had met Belinda on the pier when Joey was showing us around New York. We were young then, like 15 and 'NSYNC still wasn't known in the states. I remember I noticed her leaning against the rail, facing the waters, her thick curls blowing against the wind. I don't know what came over me, but I walked up to her and introduced myself and the rest is history. We started off as friends, and we're still friends, it's just now we have benefits. She knew all about Britney, and even now she knows about Cameron. Not many people know about her though, I kept her out of the limelight as much as I could. There's been a little speculation, but never any proof behind it. I smiled at the memory of us, and thought about the past eight years that I've known her. I wrote a song about her on my last album, Nothing Else. She creamed her pants, and then later all over me, when she first heard it. I chuckled at the thought and stepped in the kitchen to grab a bottled water. After quenching my thirst, I made my way to the bed room where I knew she was waiting. It was early evening, but when I entered her chambers it looked like the still of night. She had the drapes closed, and a lone candle burning on her dresser. I took my phone and placed it on the table beside the door, making sure that it was on silent. I didn't need anything interrupting us. I had a lot I needed to get out, and I didn't need any reason for to begin protesting. Even though she knows about Cameron, and she completely understands our situation, it still never seems to keep her from bitching every once in a while.

" That was quick." she smiled from the bed. She was already naked, the nipple of her breast pointing up her body opened completely. She was a beautiful woman, curved in all the right places. Her skin was a soft caramel brown and felt as good as it looked. I pulled my shirt over my head and dropped it at the foot of the bed. She leaned up on her elbows and watched as I slowly undressed. I took my time unbuckling my belt, already anticipating the ride I was about to give her. Slowly moving until she was seated on her knees, she began crawling to me, grabbing hopld of my jeans. I watched her unbuckled the latch before she leaned up and took my lips into hers. She wasted no time pushing them, and my boxers, pulling me down on top of her as she moved back on the bed. With one hand I reached for the condom I knew she had beside her pillow and let my free hand run the length of her until I felt my two fore fingers push inside of her. She was gushing wet, her juices dripping down the side of my hand.

" Damn B.." I exclaimed, instantly upset that I did so. Before I could stop it, Bryne's face flashed before me. It was twisted into a frown, and even then she looked nothing but beautiful. I grunted inwardly, not needing to be thinking of her at a time like this. As if knowing my thoughts, Belinda began kissing my neck and running her hand along my shaft.

" You okay J?" I didn't answer her, just kissed her as I lifted myself up to place the condom on my throbbing member. I needed to get this shit out of my system, and I needed to right now. i didn't know if I felt worse for even thinking about Bryne in the first place, or for coming here to fuck the shit out of Belinda so I could stop. Everything about this situation was fucked up, and then you add on the fact that I might be feeling Belinda's friend.

" Fuck." I growled slamming myself inside of her walls, feeling her legs tighten around me. I felt the familiar warmth and began moving within her at a pace i knew even she was taken aback by. I looked down and could see she was biting her lip. I reached back and brought her leg up to my shoulder and watched as her toes curled.

" Just!" she moaned, pushing her head back into her pillow as I pounded in and out of her, the sweat dripping off of me and onto her naked body. From the flicker of the candle I could see her body glistening, shuttering in pleasure. She was fucking gorgeous, but when I closed my eyes all I saw was Bryne- scowling down at me, making me all the more frustrated.

" Jay...FUCK!" Belinda screamed out as I heard the head board bang violently against the wall. I couldn't answer, couldn't even think as I just kept pushing harder inside of her needing to feel the numbing sensation that came when my body lost all of its control. " Oh..fuck I'm about to...." I gasped loudly as her walls closed in around me and I felt the shudder of her own release. With one last stroke, I pushed as far as I could inside of her and exploded my own release. I wished for the thoughts that evaded my mind to wash right out of me and when I collapsed on top of Belinda and felt her soft kisses against my neck, I knew I hadn't. When I closed my eyes I could still see Bryne.

" You must have had a hard day." I pulled the towel from around my neck and threw it into her laundry basket. Following the sound of her voice, I walked into the living room and fell down on the couch beside her. She was sitting indiana style on her couch with one of my t-shirts I must have left with her over the years, her smile was wider than usual and I could tell she appreciated the fact. " I think you should have them more often." she cooed, snuggling into my neck and kissing the side of my jaw. I settled into the crevice of the couch and pulled her onto my lap. I didn't want to think about my bad day, I didn't want to think about much at that point. I just wanted to be Justin, as fucked up as I am, I just wanted to dwell on that.

" How's your show coming?" The last time I was in New York, which was a month ago, she was working on putting together another show. I saw a few pieces she'd been working on leaning up against the bedroom wall and wondered if she meant to use them. There were about three off them, one which took me off guard. Maybe I was looking too hard, or maybe I was just being that self absorbed prick most people think I am but it looked a lot like me. It was the image of a man, filling the expanse of what looked like a doorway, holding something in his hands. I couldn't quite make out what it was, but I figured the picture just wasn't complete.

" I've been working on a few pieces. I've been trying to get Bryn to plan my event again." I rolled my eyes and kept them from looking at her, I can't believe how often she comes up. It was unsettling when she popped up in the bedroom, and I still felt a little bit uncomfortable now as we sat here afterwards talking.

" How's that goin?" I didn't really want to know. Not because I didn't care about Belinda or her artwork, but more so because I wanted to not be talking about Bryne. Thinking about her only reminds me even more of how fucked up I really am.

" It's not. She's against it. Plus she's been rambling about some big account she's hoping to land for Randy's jazz club." I should inquire about who Randy is, and maybe even what big client Bryne might have, but I just don't have the will to get into it. The less we talk about her, the better I'll feel. She already takes up too much of my time anyway, since she's the only person consistently on my schedule...

" Oh."

" So has she forgiven you yet?" Belinda's eyes sparkled with laughter, and I sorely wished I had a reason to laugh right now. Belinda thinks its hilarious that Bryne won't talk to me, and it's ashame because I don't share in that sentiment. I'm actually pissed about it. No one has ever made me work that hard to get a got damn 'okay' from them. I didn't see why it was so important that I got it from her anyway. I think it long since stopped being about trying to show Belinda I cared about her friends and turned into some type of obsession, I'm sure I would have at least been passed it by now if Bryne would have just simply accepted my apology when first offered. I bet I wouldn't even be discussing her now with Belinda, or thinking about her when I'm inside Belinda...

" No."

" She's such a stubborn ass." I breath in my frustration and decide that its probably best that I leave before I give Belinda another reason to get mad at me. I don't want to lash out on her, when she's completely innocent in the matter. She has no idea that I'm having these conflicting thoughts. I don't need to be taking anything out on her, especially when we have enough issues that we deal with on a regular basis. Smoothing my hand over her bare thigh, I stretch her leg over me so that she is now in a straddling position. That's another thing about Belinda that I can't get enough of, she's so damn limber. Kissing her softly, I breath in her scent and think about how she smells nothing like Cameron. Cameron wears this heavy perfume that is more toxic than it is sweet. Belinda, smells almost too sweet like a bag of candy. I laugh too myself, finding it irnoic that while both of the women in my life have signature scents neither of them are my favorite. I'd prefer something in the middle. But I'd prefer a lot of things.

" I'm gonna leave Scoopers." I've called her that for at least three years now, and I can't remember how I came up with the nickname. It just appeared one day and stuck. She pushed out her lower lip and pretended to pout as I placed kisses alongside her neck. It's crazy because I have a thing for Belinda, that much is obvious since I've been with her for so many years. But I'm not in love with her, not like I know I should be. Not enough to leave everyone else alone. I've recently began asking myself if I am in love with Cameron, she is my girlfriend and she has been for sometime but I don't think that I am. It's fucked up I know, and what makes it worse is that I know both of them are in love with me. Hell I know Britney is still in love with me. With all these women to love, and yet I love no one. It's crazy.

" Can't you stay?" I stopped her hand before it snaked its way into my lap, I know her too well. I kiss her palm as I move to stand.

" I can't, I gotta hook up with JC." I don't, but I could. I just need to get out of this apartment and get myself lost in the city of New York. Maybe I'd even catch a flight out to L.A. go home for a few days. I needed to do something, because it was obvious my solution hadn't worked. Then it dawned on me, I had to be there for the meeting tomorrow. I didn't know how I was going to pull that one off. I had to come up with something, and I knew it would have to be done outside of Belinda's apartment. I grabbed my phone from the bedroom dresser and noticed that Cameron had called..three times. She was over in London shooting a movie..I think. or in one of those other worlds. I wasn't paying attention when she left, I think I was half sleep anyway. I walked over to Belinda and kissed her before turning to head out. I had already paged Lonnie after I stepped out of the shower, so figured he'd be downstairs waiting. When I pushed open the back door, I smiled. Lonnie was my man.

" What the fuck do you mean your coming home?!" I was expecting to hear Trace's protests, but it didn't mean that I appreciated them. He and I both knew anything he had to say was going to go unheard if he meant to tell me to stay put in New York. Trace Ayala was my best friend, business partner, and informal personal assisstant. He knew my schedule as good as I did, which meant he knew what I knew. So him trying to tell me about the meetings I had lined up in New York was like telling me what my ass smells like. I already have a pretty good idea. We've known each other since the beginning, and so I knew he already knew I was at the LAX. " Damn man, that means your ass is probably here!" I smiled knowingly and made my way through the secluded section of the airport and out to my awaiting car.

" Yeah..I'm about to hop in the car. Does that mean we're going out?" I was non stop, I know. The day hadn't even ended and I'm home in Los Angeles. I had a pretty shitty day, and the least it could do was end with me at home. I already called JC and told him about the meeting that he would have to go to concerning his listening party. I gave him Bryne's office address and telephone number and wished him luck. He sounded confused when I said that, but he hadn't met her yet. I'm sure he'd understand after tomorrow. I even called Andy up, at his home, and told him to drop by George's and grab a dozen of whatever the prettiest flowers were and take them to Bryne's office first thing in the morning. At least tomorrow I wouldn't have to concern myself with her, since it would go without saying that Andy would get the job done. Waving off a few screaming fans who happened to have noticed me getting into my car, I shut my door and breathed in my "new car scent". It was good to be home.

I hate mornings. Probably not as much as I hate rain, but it's in the running. The only advantage it seems to be having over my disdain for rain is that it doesn't have a funny after smell that lingers long after the damn annoying droplets have stopped.I know, I'm a bit of a tirade if I can go on and on about nature's blessing, but that's me. Deal with it. I enter our kitchen and am thankful to find my cup of coffee already made with two added sugars and a drop of cream, waiting for my yearning lips to grace it. I don't even look up and acknowledge my girlfriend until I feel the warm soothing liquid rush down my throat. It's then that I open my eyes and realize that Miranda is staring at me. She has beautiful eyes, like those sleepy romantic eyes, that look the same all day every day. I smiled into my cup and watched as she crossed over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. I swallow the rest of the liquid filling my mouth and set my cup down onto the island. Before I can even reach for her, her mouth is over mine and her hands are all in my hair. I pushed back onto the island and hopped onto the counter. She pushes open my legs and moved inside the space she's created. She runs her hands down my body, under my skirt and onto my thighs. She inches up the material, and runs her nail lightly against my garter belt gently tickling the skin of my thigh. I gasp for air and wonder if her touch will always be the one to ignite me. She was the first woman I have ever been with, in fact she was the first person. I hadn't even had the chance to see what a man had to offer, so enthralled had I been by the slow, passionate, and careful way Miranda handled me. She was so experienced. She knew every place to touch, every crevice to kiss. It was intoxicating. I threw my head back and waited for her fingers to inch their way closer to the line of my panties. My breaths grew short as she slipped her thin hands inside lightly and rubbbed her fingers over my warm flesh. I leaned down to kiss her and wished I could stay, somehow she always found a way to make my mornings better, but I knew I had to get to work.

" Mimi..." I purred, grabbing hold of her arm, trying to regain some semblance of control. I opened my eyes and she smiled knowingly, placing a soft kiss against my mouth while moving her arm to her side. It took a moment for me to bring myself together, and when I did I moved off the counter to smooth out the wrinkles I hoped wouldn't stick.

" Still three o'clock?" Miranda had moved to the otherside of the kitchen, her back to me as she began slicing up fruit. I cocked my head to the side and watched her, her long hair flowing all the way down her back. She sad she hadn't cut it in twelve years, it was suppose to be symbolic of her aging. Her hair was still black, not a grey hair in sight although on her last birthday she turned thirty-eight. I was saw caught up in just watching her that I completely zoned out from reality, I didn't even realize she was talking. " Mama?" My head snapped up in response to my nickname and I cleared my throat for effect.

" What was that?"

" I was asking if I should still expect you at 3?" she turned, placing a strawberry in her mouth and thought about the way her mouth sucked on my juices just last night. I swallowed hard, and focused in on what she was saying. Oh gosh, the appointmment. I had completely forgot, well I had for that moment, and it was then that I realized I was now officially working with Justin. I groaned inwardly and seriously considered hoping back on top of the counter so that Miranda could work her magic and take the frustration away.

" Make it 3:45..I gotta show him another place first." I sighed, which caused Miranda to raise an eyebrow. I shook my head, and dismissed her inquiry. " It's fine. I just hate him." I had told Miranda all about Justin, when the incident happened. I even told her the first couple of times he tried to apologize, but after awhile I stopped reporting how often he sent someone from his camp to do his dirty work daily. It was like a normal part of my day now, like I just expected to see one of the many shuffling down the sidewalk behind me on my way for coffee.

" Ah yes Jason..."

" Justin." I corrected and shrugged, because it really didn't make a difference. Miranda just smirked and turned back around to slicing her fruit, and it was then that I decided I should leave before she'd make me want to stay. I walked over to her, pushing her long strands aside, and placed a light kiss on the back of her neck. I could hear the smile in her words when she whispered;

" See you Mama.." Squeezing her arm, I backed out of the kitchen and headed out the door.

I thought I must have walked into the wrong office when I opened the door to my own and saw the huge display of flowers waiting on my desk. When out the corner of my eye I saw Andy sitting in the leather wing back chair by my fish tank, I realized it was just another display of Justin's unwanted affections. He had out done himself this time. I quickly approached the arrangement and lightly fingered the soft petals of the sweet peas i saw sticking out. I absolutely love flowers, probably as much as I hate rain. Miranda is allergic, and so we pretty much never have them- which means I never get them, so when I do I swoon. I began looking through the assortment of sweet peas and smiled to myself because they were known to represent delicate pleasure. I was glad that Andy stayed his distance and didn't ruin the moment for me by introducing Justin into it, and continued forking through the flowers. Then I saw them, the snap dragons, and I quickly turned to Andy.

" Snapdragons?" He looked at me like I had lost my mind, and I'm sure he was wondering why in the hell I decided to say that. he probably considered all these flowers to be roses, like most people, and he probably had no idea that Snapdragons represented desire. Why in the hell was Justin Timberlake sending me flowers that clearly symbolize delicate pleasure and desire?

" Excuse me?" Andy looked lost, and I can only imagine that Justin was just as clueless and it's probably only one other person out in the world that would have any clue as to what a sweet pea and snapdragon means.

" Nevermind." I sighed, and dismissed the buzzing feeling that nestled in my tummy. I love flowers, but I couldn't let that overshadow why they were sent. " That never happened." I smiled tightly and hoped Andy got the hint. I've trusted him this far in that he hasn't completely revealed our subtle relationship with his boss, but I wanted to make sure he was clear in understanding Justin should never know he had a momentary breakthrough. It was the flowers, not the sentiment, that had my mouth gaping open and my heart jumping. Nonetheless, Justin should know none of this.

" He sends his..."

" I don't need it." I stop him before he can continue, a ritual of ours. Its expected, so he doesn't look crestfallen.

" Also..."

" Don't care." I sing and offer him the second cafe` latte I had originally brought for Tameka. As expected, she was running lake, and since I was in such a good mood- from the flowers- he was the lucky recipient. He smiled and accpeted, taking the seat directly across from me. The same seat Justin sat in the day before. We drank our coffees, and talked about close to nothing as we reveled in our good mood. After a few more minutes of idle conversation, he finally stood and excused himself. We didn't bother saying goodbye, we both knew he'd be back tomorrow. When he closed the door, I engrossed myself into my work. Hoping that by chance, the next four hours would happen by without me noticing. Sure enough, when I finally lifted my head for air, it was close to meeting time. My phone broke through the silence, and I wondered again why Tameka hadn't buzzed it through so I could at least know who to expect on the line. Hopefully Justin was calling to cancel.

" Hello." I must have sounded hopeful, or at least in higher spirits, for when Justin's voice came through the line I could hear the surprise in it.

" You must have liked the flowers." He was such a cocky bastard, and if he knew any better he'd know that I would never admit it even if I did.

" You sent flowers?" I feigned ignorance and hoped that he would move past this part of the conversation and head into the heart of the matter. If he was cancelling, get it over with, I'm a business woman with things to do.

" Charming bee.." When had he taken to calling me 'bee', I could voice my annoyance but then that would just prolong the conversation- and that was not an option. So I just waited for him to contiue. " Anyway, I called because I realize you would have been disappointed when I didn't show up today for my appointment." I breathed a sigh of relief and did a small dance of victory. I'm losing money, but at least I'd keep my sanity.

" Oh..your cancelling?" I tried to contain my relief, but I'm sure he heard it.

" Not so fast bee, I'm sending in JC since you'd rather work with him." He heard me, I could tell by the way he sneered that last line out. I groaned inwardly, though I was still glad to not have to deal directly with Justin. I never met JC before, so the best I could hope for was that he was nothing like his former band mate.

" You sound jealous." It was an after thought, but when I heard the silence over the phone line and the thickness of it cut through my senses. I must be imagining all this, I concluded and continued on. " Well I'm sure we'll be fine without you."

" I bet." I heard the phone click dead and replaced my receiver just as Tameka buzzed in that a JC Chasez was here to see me. I buzzed her to show him in and made a mental note to question her as to why she never intercepts any of Justin's calls or appearances. I thought we've been through this. Grabbing my notes, I watched as my door opened and they both entered. Thirteen seconds, record timing for Tameka. I didn't realize how huge her eyes were, or how excited she was since my eyes went directly to JC. He was handsome as shit. I tried to recover from my initial shock, but I wasn't doing a good job of it when I realized I looked like a star struck teenager.

" Uh..hello." His voice was even sexy. I pushed myself up and gave Tameka the eye to dismiss herself before turning to JC to smile.

" Hello, nice to meet you JC. I'm Bryne James." He didn't even frown at the mention of my name, like he just knew so many girls named Bryne. It amazed me. I tried not to stare, but as I explained the events of today I caught myself gazing into his beautiful eyes, and looking over his thick brown hair. I even started to gap at the line of his jaw when we enetered his limo and he began to read the notes I had taken on all three of the jazz club. As expected, he liked the first one, but felt like something was missing. I was more than thrilled- and a little struck- by the time we made our way to 'The Red Door'. Since we had a little bit of a drive, we were able to partake in casual conversation. I learned that he had a sister and a brother, he hated cats, and he'd writted at least two albums worth of songs since he'd been out the limelight. I was absolutely smittened. He was nothing like Justin, nothing. When we enetered the club, I waited to see his reaction. Miranda had the blinds closed and the curtains drawn so that we would be able to get the feel it would have at night. As I watched JC's eyes move over the bar, to the glass wall behind it and the small black tables with black and brown leather chairs surrounding them, I knew he fell in love. He immediately walked over to the stage and sat behind the piano, his fingers taking a mind of their own as he began to play a few chords.

" He's beautiful Mama." Miranda had walked up beside me and winked towards the stage where JC was beaming down at us. I knodded in agreeance, before turning and winking back at Miranda.

" But he's no you." Miranda smiled, and lightly touched my arm in a sweet subtle gesture. I was about to return the gesture when I felt my phone vibrate at my side. Excusing myself, I glared down at the number on the caller id screen. I didn't recognize the number. I silenced the call and moved to join JC on stage. Just as I reached the platform, my phone rang again. Same number. Annoyed, I immediately silenced it and turned my attention to JC.

" So what do you think?" He was opening his mouth to answer, but then the blaring ring from his cell phone interrupted the moment. He gave me an apologetic look before answering his phone and I turned my back to seek out Miranda while he conducted business. I found her behind the bar, already smiling up at me and I wondered if she felt a little threatened because JC was so attractive. I frowned a little and nearly fell off stage when I realized JC was motioning towards me with his phone.

" It's for you..." he smiled, shrugging , as I accepted the device. When I lifted the phone to my ear I could already hear the annoying banter that I recognized a little too easily.

" Put her on the phone..." he was saying when I finally decided to break him of his misery.

" Justin..it's Bryne." He paused for a moment, and then started right in like he never stopped.

" Why aren't you answering your phone?!" He was demanding this like we were on those special kind of terms. I was appalled he even had my cell phone number, since it's not a number I give out outside of relation to business. And technically, I still wasn't in business with Justin. I was in business with JC.

" How did you get my number?!" I hissed, walking off stage and into a corner near the entrance. I was thankful to see Miranda approach JC and engage him in conversation while I handled whatever it is I had to handle with Justin.

" I have my sources...so how is everything going?" he was such a prick, why I smiled at that instance I don't know, but I was thankful he was nowhere around.

" Just fine without you here. Better if you weren't on the phone."

" You miss me that much?" he was really cocky, and once again I have no idea why I'm smiling. He was getting under my skin, but that doesn't mean I want him under my guard. I clearned my throat and wiped the gullible impression away.

" Justin is there a point to this call?"

" Have lunch with me on Friday." I wouldn't have lunch with Justin until hell freezes over, and the last time I checked that wouldn't be happening Friday. I looked over to Miranda and JC and they were both looking at me expectantly. The longer I stayed on the phone, the harder it would be to explain why I was on in the first place so I rushed to get him off.

" No."

" We need to talk business."

" I'll talk to JC."

" I'm cutting the check." Fuck. I sighed and turned my back, hoping that my body language didn't give off my irritation.

" I'm busy Friday..goodbye." I hung up the phone, and hoped that he would have enough sense not to call back. When I finally reached JC and Miranda they both gave me inquiring glances, but I dismissed them and focused on business. I had a pitch to run and I didn't need the interruption.

I should feel ashame but I don't. It's a Wednesday, it's one o clock in the afternoon and I am in a lounge nursing my third martini. I haven't even begun to assess the situation, and at the rate I'm going the alcohol will catch up with me before I can. I 've been here about fifty seven minutes and in that time I've consumed three drinks, so my blood alcohol level should be pushing a numbing number. I just don't feel like thinking right now, and all I need is for my waiter to keep bringing them back as I push them down. Me and Miranda got the account, I knew I was in for sure but now so is Miranda. I should be happy right? I'm not. Something about the whole idea of working that closely with Justin Timberlake and his attractive friend JC is beginning to unnerve me. Not only will I have to deal with Justin and his damn ridiculousness even more on a daily basis, I now somehow have to make sure Miranda knows that no matter how unnaturally sexy JC is- I'd never even consider him. He's hot, yes, but he's not my type. Funny, right. No, exactly. Which is why I'm going to keep drinking until it is. I begin pushing the olive around the rim of my glass and wonder how Belinda's going to handle the sudden burst of never ending Justin. From the sounds of it, he's looking to relocate here and work on some studio time and JC's career in the city. I didn't want to seem to unenthused when JC was explaining, but the thought of Justin sharing the entire city of New York with me still bothered me. Even if we had no reason to, I have the feeling we would still cross paths. It's like an added bonus for him that we're in business. I hate him.

" Another martini ma'am?" Does it honestly look like I'll say no. I'm sure it doesn't, but I smile anyway and nod. I need the feeling of doom to subside. I mean things don't have to be that bad anyway, right. What the hell am I trying to foreshadow here? If I didn't want to be around Justin, I could make that happen. Finish my business with him and then its over. As for Belinda, hell we can live around him. We've done so thus far. And JC, come one, like this should even be a concern. He's good looking and all, but Miranda doesn't have shit to worry about. Which is another problem that's easily solved. So in all actuality this whole getting drunk in the middle of the day has no real basis. Ah, what the hell, it makes me feel better. I'll suffer the consequences later.

" Well hello stranger.." I groaned into my cordless and turned to glance at the clock. It was only 11 o'clock at night, and here I thought it was morning. I lifted my head and instantly felt my brain swim around in it and decided then that drinking during the day is not for me. Closing my eyes, and covering them with my sleeping mask, I tuned into Belinda.

" Hey Belle."

" Wow..are you sleep?" I'm usually up at this time, working, but today was one of those strange days. Hell I was drinking at 12, give me a break. I usually stay up though, so I could see Miranda when she gets in from the club. We have the best late night sex ever, and sometimes when I fall asleep, the feeling of her tongue is what I awake to. Needless to say there are just some nights I gladly fall asleep. Tonight, well tonight was by accident.

" I was. Now, not so much." I breathed and cradeled the phone into the nook of my shoulder. I haven't seen Belinda in two weeks, and I know its partly due to that monster and the other reason surrounds her work. She mentioned briefly to me that she wanted me to plan her next gala, but I know for a fact she'd have some qualms about some of the restrictions I'd put in place- namelyher assclown of a...well whatever he is to her not being allowed to attend. Speaking of which, their relationship is so strange to me. It's like out of the blue and ridiculously surreal. If I didn't know her, I woulnd't even know about it- which is strange to me since most celerbtiy dirty laundry gets aired out for the world to see. Maybe Belinda wasn't dirty laundry, but since I never cared to discuss him I never really knew the intimate details behind their relationships. I usualyy just heard the worst of the worst, since that was the only time she was allowed to bring him up. It had to be a dire emergency. " So what's up?!"

" The sky."

" How original."

" I'm an artist what can I say." Belinda was a ditz, well not really. I just called her that sometimes. The only ditsy thing I think she does is put up with that asshole.

" Wanna do lunch tomorrow?"

" I can't Justin's coming into town." He was gone? I just thought he sent JC in his place because I specifically asked for him. Oh gosh, well at least I know to keep a heads up. I rolled my eyes and sat through the silence because I know she wants me to take the bait- but I'm just not going there with her. Like I said, I don't do Justin. " He said he's going to be in the city for awhile..."

" Oh." I was trying to inflect my impatience through that one word, but either she didn't hearing or she wasn't trying to.

"He's really sorry ya know..."

" For having a girlfriend while still fucking you or for ruining your debut gala." I know I'm an asshole, but she should know to expect this. This is exactly why I don't talk about him and I don't take the bait when she brings him up. If you ask me, from what I understand, Justin is a royal asshole.

" Bryn..it's not like that." I twist my face at her soft plead. It's exactly like that! I don't know which fairy world she lives in but the reality is VERY much like that.

" Oh which part, the one about his girlfriend or him fucking you?!"

" I've known him for..."

" Yes, yes I know eight years. Which automatically entails him to screw you over. .LITERALLY" I was harsh, but Belinda needed to get it. Unless there's something missing that I just don't understand, she needs to realize that Justin is just one big fucked up fuck. Times like these make me happy that I'm not into men. It makes me especially grateful that I never had the chance to deal with some bullshit like it either. Men seemed to always bring trouble, and no matter how fucked up it is, women flock right the fuck back. It's insane!

" Bryn.."

" Your right. I don't get it. I'm a lesbian, which makes me ignorant to when a man is dicking over a woman. Forget I even said anything." I hissed wanting to just hang up the phone altogether. From the sorrowful signs coming from her end, I know she's near tears or about to be. I can't apologize, not because I'm too proud, but because I know I'm right. He's just using her, for what reason I wouldn't know, but it was killing her. I can tell. I sigh and press the conversation forward, we're friends, of all the subjects we can talk about- that's just one we can't. Snuggling down into my covers, I strike up a convo about office life and sigh in relief when I hear Belinda laugh.

I'm beginning to think Andy has a thing for Bryne. I mean the man just looks to willing to take on the task many other interns just despise doing. It makes me wonder what he gets out of it. I like to think I'm pretty good with the 'radar' , and can spot a 'lance' a mile away- so I'm slightly confused it as to why I'm even considering Andy having a 'thing' for Bryne. I'm just counting the days until Lance finally reveals to the public that he is in no way a heterosexual, I mean the man wore lumberjack shirts in early 2000. Not to mention he had like the hottest teen star, Danielle 'Fucking' Fischel and he turned down the opportunity to pop her cherry. What an idiot. I love the man though, which is probably part of the reason why I'm not completely impartial to homosexuals. At least I believe I'm partial, since I don't carry the typical 'they should burn at the cross' syndrome. It still doesn't mean I appreciate any of their advances, because I don't. I lived, laughed and loved a man who turned out to prefer other men and if he was able to withstand from any of that bullshit, I expect the same respect from the rest. Anyway, back to Andy, I don't like the look in his eye that he gets when he knows I'm about to ask him to run the "errand". It makes me want to send him away and asked geek faced Johnny instead. At least then I'd no there was never a chance of any interest sparking- because Johnny's as dry as they come- not to say that there is any between Andy and Bryne. It's just that for some reason, I know that she tolerates him and I wonder why.

" So she liked the flowers?" I had left him with plans to deliver flowers to her office, first thing that next morning, that same night I walked off the plane in Los Angeles. The idea was to get it out the way, so that I could have a normal functioning day without the reminder of her. Only, when I woke up that morning, and the first thought that popped into my head was which flowers should I send Bryne to knock her socks off- I kind of defeated the purpose of calling Andy the night before. It was the first call I placed that morning, and I specifically asked for Sweetpeas and snapdragons. It was a lethal combination. Any person with a love for flowers would know so. I should know, since my mother is obsessed with her garden. I used to hate that I knew so much, but now I appreciate it and at times like these- when I can send a subtle hint without the recipient ever knowing- I fucking loved that I knew. My mother said even if a girl doesn't know the exact meaning behind each delicate flower, she at least gets the impression. I hope she's right, but then I hope she's wrong. I like thinking that I just basically told Bryne that I desire her and would give her delicate pleasure if that was her chosen desire. Just looking at Bryne you could tell she's used to that soft, gentle shit. The caresses, the lingering stares, and don't get me wrong, I have finesse when it comes to that. Only, I don't limit myself. There are no bounderies when I'm exploring. I can have the soft touch, but I can also bring the pain. A little cocky? No it's a lot of cocky and a well deserved right. I don 't have to say so myself, I just choose to.

" She accpeted them." The look in Andy's eye said it all. She must have flipped. He looked like he was about to spill the beans and the longer I sat looking at him, the more nervous he became. I didn't need to hear him say she loved them I already figured she would. At least he wasn't reporting that she had some sort of allergic reaction, for then I would surely spending the rest of my life apologizing to the girl.

" Take her a caramel macchiato from 'bucks and ..."

" Sir?' Andy looked like he was going to choke over the fact that he interrupted, which flattered me, but tickled me all the same. If only he knew he could relax, without me having to tell him. I'm a hard ass, but I'm not a fucking headmaster.

" Yeah."

" She likes cafe` lattes." I gathered my brow in confusion and just stared at him. How in the hell would he know something like that? Maybe after the many mornings he's rushed after her, it was just something he knew. Maybe.

" So tell me, why is it that Ms. James is so nice to you?" The crooked smile on my face seemed to ease up his demeanor and I settled back in my chair in preparation of his answer. " Go ahead, be honest." I encouraged, since I wanted a straight answer. I couldn't deny the pull inside me when it came to thinking about how he was learning all these intimate details about her when it was me who went out his way everyday to get to her. I just wanted to know, and I needed for him to explain it to me.

" Well, excuse me for my honesty sir, but she thinks your a self-serving, disrespectful pompous ass." I smirked at the sentiment, while Andy looked beet red from embarrassment.

" Why does she think that?" I urged him to continue, hoping he had another explanation to provide aside from the one time fault I had earlier this year. I mean the woman could really hold a grudge.

" Aside from what happened at that art gala she planned...." I nodded and watched as indecision clouded over his features. He knew something! I leaned forward in my seat and cocked an eyebrow, he was going to tell me everything he knew or he'd never again see a need to step foot inside this building.

" Aside from that."

"Well...uh...I.."

" Out with it Andy." I simply stated watching as he breathed in heavily and wiped at the beads of sweat forming across his face.

" She hates you even more because of how you treat Belle." Belle? The words came out so fast that I hate to dissect each one, and even after doing so I had no clue as to who Belle was. Just what I needed for her to be holding something else against me that I didn't even have a clue about.

" Who is Belle?" This time it was Andy who looked confused. It was obvious that somehow, over the course of the past few months, he had gathered enough incriminating evidence concerning around me and this alleged "Belle" that would have him looking at me like I should know who the girl was.

" Belle...Bryne's artist friend." Belinda! Fuck, no wonder Bryne wants to snatch the air I breath. I can just imagine what nonesense Belinda tells her, that probably doesn't even come close to whats really going on. Yeah I've done my share of dirt to Belinda, but she's done her share to me and if there is anyone to blame about our situation its both of us. So why the hell was Bryne so mad at me? I took note of it, and dismissed Andy. I didn't have to tell him what was said in this room stayed in this room, he knew as clear as day that if word ever leaked out his ass would fry. I turned to the sound of my cell phone, which suddenly started vibrating across the desk at which I sat and watched as Cameron's name appeared across screen. I just watched it go to voicemail, and decided that I would call her later. I didn't feel like the mushy shit right now, and I knew all she wanted to do was talk about how much we miss each other. After the first one hundred times, that shit gets old. Pushing myself up, I decided to go handle business and get the information I needed from JC. We had a month to get this thing together, and there was a lot of shit to handle in between time.

" I don't recall that." I was tied up in another drawn out phone conference with my lawyer who wanted to know the details of the alleged attack I had on some paparazzi fellow named Tad. I've been in this business for more than half my life, I've had at least one hundred daily encounters with the son of a bitches everyone likes to call paparazzi, and to ask me to remember some asshole named Tad was a bit of a stretch. I'm sure whoever it was, he was linked to a scandal and was just trying to hussle me out of some cash. I don't know why my lawyer is bothering me with this shit right now, when I have plans to take Bryne out to lunch. I'm currently riding to her office now, and I don't need this shit clouding my thoughts when I have other shit to handle.

" There is a picture here that says you will." There is always a picture, always an exxagerated story of the actual events, and always another person trying to explain to me that I need to take the bullshit a little more seriously. Like I have time to worry about some paparazzi freak. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I'm sweating this girl, and might I add that I'm doing so VERY hard, that happens to be close friends to a girl I've been fucking for damn near eight years - who is not even my girlfriend! I don't have time for Tad, and I don't have time for Bill my lawyer.

" That's great, does my hair look nice?"

" Justin"

" Bill" I reply back with a mocking tone behind it. I realize that I'm in front of Bryne's office building now, and as promised I'm here to take her to lunch. It's Friday. Without even saying goodbye I hang up the phone and climb out the car. Shaking my shoulders, I saddle up for the crazy antics that are bound to take place once I head inside...

" You’ve got to be kidding me." She looked good in lace. I imagine that she looks good in just about anything, but it’s kind of hard not to make special note of how good she looks in lace. It’s barely even midday, and already I’m thinking about after hour activities. It’s my natural response to lace, I have a thing for it. Usually I’m prone to just black lace, because I happen to think that it is the sexiest piece of material a woman could wear- and when it’s on, I like to take the time to watch my hand slide it off. There’s just something about the way it moves across skin, making the very act of undressing a sensual- and very much appreciated- act. I absolutely love black lace, but today I find myself having a growing appreciation for creme coloured lace. In fact I think I’m falling in love with it. " Get out of my office."

" I’d be glad to...as long as your coming with." I couldn’t resist the urge to smile, not when it looked like Bryne was about to blow a fucking fuse. She was livid, and her professional business like manner was slowly fading as her disdain for me took full precedence. Judging by the way her eye lowered into slits, and the way her lip tucked under her front teeth, I knew she wasn’t taking to kind to the fact that I was still standing amongst her. I just looked at her, my indifference to her attitude clearly displayed across my face. She knew better than anyone that I didn’t easily back down, and when faced against discouragement- I was only encouraged more. These past six months was true evidence of that fact, and if she thought I was going to be easily swayed by the daggers shooting from her eyes, she was sorely mistaken. It only challenged me more.

" What do you get out of this?" She leaned back in her chair, crossed her arms over her chest and watched me while I took the time to appreciate the intricate details of her creme coloured lace shirt. It was a thin material, that made the bronze coloured bra she wore beneath it visible to the free world. It was a classy showcase of her undergarment, not at all to be confused with the sleazy display most street walkers are known for. It was wrong to be critiquing her fashion sense at a time like this, but I must say that I am thoroughly impressed. As for her question, I don’t get much out of anything when it comes to her- which could be why I am never have at a lack for trying. She’s unattainable, and most things in my life aren’t. There’s something about her that balances me out, but I’d never tell her so.

" We can discuss that over lunch."

" Aside from the fact that I think you’re an ass, and I would rather eat wheatgrass before sharing a table with you.......what makes you think I even have the time for your crazy shenanigans?!" Wheatgrass isn’t so bad, so I don’t feel so slighted. In fact,.with just the right blend, you can actually enjoy the flavor of wheatgrass, which means if anything about that analogy holds true- I have a serious chance of gaining some mileage with this woman. I shrugged my shoulders, and she clucked her tongue. I wasn’t about to tell her that I had conveniently coaxed Tameka into moving around her schedule so that I may have this Friday afternoon with her, that would just be giving up my sources. She hasn’t figured out how I’m able to bypass her whole " No Justin Timberlake"restriction yet, so there was no need to give her headway. Tameka and I have a grave understanding, she gets me in with Bryne, I get her into the hottest spots in New York City- it works.

" I don’t think you have anything to do right now." I knew she didn’t, I made sure she didn’t. I didn’t have to read the look in her eye to know that much was true, and from the way her face flushed over with heat she knew I had her.

" I’d rather not do you."

" I doubt that." I was once again being a cocky bastard, and very much enjoyed the shock that registered in her eyes when she finally intercepted double meaning behind our words. Instead of looking me in the eye, she pushed off her desk and grabbed her pocketbook. It was surprisingly smaller than what I was used to, which made me question how it was this business woman could get by with the semblance of a clutch but Belinda and Cameron just had to done a suitcase- even for a mere hour outing. This woman was a break from the mold, just watching her stand and glare at me assured me that she was a cut above the rest. I lost all rationale when it came to her, and what’s worse is that I don’t even care.

" I’ll take my own car."

" Can I ride with you?" she just cut her eyes at me and moved past me towards the door.

" No." she breezed past Tameka’s desk, which I was thankful for since it gave me a chance to silently thank her without Bryne noticing. Tameka winked out me and mouthed a good luck. I winked back, and continued after Bryne. I was going to need it.

" We’re going to Spice..and we’re sitting in a far, far back table." I really couldn’t have taken offense to her tone, not when I was so excited to be going to lunch with her. Anyway, I reasoned with myself that these were just precautionary measures she wanted to take to ensure her privacy, and as long as that meant she was spending time with me- I could care less.

" And just for the record..I don’t want to go." She stopped and looked at me, as we stood in the middle of the staircase. If I hadn’t taken the moment to gather my senses, I wouldn’t have saw the small smile spreading across her lips. She caught the notion before it could get out of hand, and instead frowned up at me.

" But you’ll be there." I took a step down, so that now we were face to face and barely a breath away from each other. She smelled like vanilla, with a hint of something else. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but whatever it was it had my senses in disarray. We just stood like that for a moment, me inhaling her scent, her watching me with questioning eyes. Finally, a throat cleared at the bottom of the step and I saw Lonnie smirking back at us.

" Only because your cutting the checks." I let her back down from me and follow out after Lonnie. I motioned for him to follow her, just to ensure her safety and also that she’d be at the restaurant. Rounding up the other two bodyguards that I gathered for this trip alone, I headed into my car and waited impatiently for the journey to Spice to begin.

I couldn’t get enough of her scent, it tangled itself throughout my senses and had me standing on the edge of reason. I had moved my chair close enough to her, and couldn’t justify any reason to be closer. She didn’t seem to notice that I had taken to inhaling the air every so often with a much stronger force than usual, as it seemed she was more distracted with all the ruckus that followed a fan sighting. I didn’t think we’d have such a problem, but we did, and upon arrival to Spice we were bombarded with photographers and cameras. Luckily I had already suggested that Bryne be taken through the back, while I dealt with the paparazzi out front. I was thankful to have found her already seated, sipping on a glass of wine by the time I made it back to our table. As promised, we were out of sight and very much secluded in the privacy of the V.I.P room. Even though we were out of sight, we could still hear the paparazzi’s obnoxious voices carry on out front. I tried to ignore there questions as best I could, and I did, it was just that I could tell their antics were bothering her, and that’s something that I wouldn’t stand for. I could deal with her anger, her disdain, and her annoyance.However, I couldn’t deal with the look of discomfort washing over her features.

" They can’t get in here..." I began and her eyes suddenly erased any of the before mentioned emotion and just glassed up. Taking a sip from her glass, she just cleared her throat.

" Are they always this persistent." she finally asked after another moment of silence.

" Yea."

" I’m sure you love it." she sneered, and I ran a hand over my face. It was actually the one thing I hated about being famous. There was something more than unsettling about the fact that once America decides they love you, you never again have a moment’s peace. It’s like there is always going to be some jackass around, hoping to get that one shot of you living your life like everyone else- but hoping to exploit you for it. I may be famous, and I may seem cocky, but above all else I am a private person. I enjoy my privacy which is why I don’t tolerate the paparazzi. This is why Bill and I have so many issues, he wants me to learn to deal with it and I just won’t have it.

" Most people think that." I sighed, not gulping down a swig of the Jack Daniels I ordered. I looked from my dwindling glass to hers and wondered if something could be said about our midday choice of drinks.

" I guess." she shrugged and finished off her glass of wine. Before she even placed it on the table, the waiter had served her a full glass. She looked impressed, which caused me to smirk and finish off my own drink. " So JC liked the club." I could tell from the rushed way she interjected that comment, that she was desperate to come out of the silent staring match we fell into. I knodded my head and continued staring, completely content in just doing so. " We’re going back tonight so that he can get an idea of the vibe at night." My eyes widened at that revelation. I didn’t know JC and her had made these arrangements. It was clear that she was having a hard time considering me as a part of the project, but at least JC could have told me.

" I’ll have to cancel my plans then." Tonight I was suppose to meet Cameron at La Guardia. She had called me this morning to let me in on her impromptu visit. I wasn’t excited when she first told me, and now I’m even less enthused. I’d rather monitor the relations between JC and Bryne than take up lodge in the busiest airport lobby in America. One of the guys can pick up Cameron.

" That’s not necessary..."

" Actually I’d like to see the club. I am paying for it." I didn’t mean to bring up the financial responsibility I carried, but it seemed as if it was the only way to get any leeway with this woman. She was all business.

" Point well taken." she sighed and opened up her menu, I smiled to myself while following suit. She was going to open up to me, whether she liked it or not

Chapter 5

I was already late. I was suppose to have already been inside the cab that should have been pulling up to ‘The Red Door’ in a matter of minutes, but I was no where near that point. In fact my progress had suffered a horrible drawback when it suddenly dawned on me that my running through potential outfits had nothing to do with my hopes in making a good impression on the client. If there was one thing that I was sure about, it was what everything did NOT mean, and that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. Even now, as I stare down the catastrophe my closet has become, I still have no clue what I’m still doing half naked and at home. This was suppose to be a casual acquaintance, one where I- the hopefully employed- tried my best attempts to swoon the prospective client in an after hour, off site setting. Only, nothing about this forthcoming acquaintance was going to be normal. Justin Timberlake was going to be present. However, that’s not the end of the cookie crumbling. Factor in my overactive bladder- since I foresee an onslaught of drinking, my over protective girlfriend, and did I forget to mention that Belinda should now be added to the roster. In a fit of hysteria, I couldn’t stop myself from dialing her up just to rave about the nuisance her - whatever he is to her- was becoming to my life. I wasn’t thinking when I decided to call, at least not in the proper frame of mind that would have instantly sighted red flags once I began dialing. No I was working under the irrational notion that my close friend would bypass obvious factors contributing to my breakdown and focus on being the understanding friend that I so desperately needed. But I think I lost her shortly after the initial "Justin Fucking Timberlake" from which she had yet to recover. As of now, I’m sure she is a few short steps away from my door. She wasn’t coming over for consolation or moral support, she was coming because of Justin. What had I ever done to deserve this?

" I hope your ready Bry...we’re already late!" I underestimated her, Belinda was making record timing and yet I was still brooding in the middle of my floor, cradling my naked breast with my forearm. I didn’t even turn around at the sound of her voice, as it moved throughout my house. I knew she would find her way back to the bedroom any moment, which gave me barely a second to roll my eyes. I was taking the time to revel in how ‘we’ suddenly took the place of just me being late, when I felt the wind from the door being pushed open, tickle my back. " Figures." she sighed before plopping down onto the bed, making eye contact with me through the wall mirror.

" This is not how I was planning on spending my Friday night." I had thought about how I wanted to approach the subject of my opposition to Justin and now her attending- and I concluded that I’d just have to be frank. I didn’t have the time to sugarcoat feelings, and Belinda and I are well into our second year of friendship- which means we’re passed the skidding around bullshit phase. She had to already know my lack of tolerance for Justin, so shouldn’t be surprised by my forthcoming words.

" Bry..it could be a nice evening."

" Of course it can, without you or Justin present." I still hadn’t moved from my previous spot, was still very much naked, and still even more clueless about what I was planning on wearing. I was actually going to where a plunging back cocktail dress, but through that idea right out the window when Justin mentioned his intent on coming. I was a hair away from tossing on sweats and a faded Arkansas Razorback tee, which should go to show you how much I was not trying to make an impression.

" I can’t believe he’s your client. I was just talking to him about you the other day." I was going to start in on how much I really didn’t care about whatever side conversations they have during the time he’s around to literally fuck her over, but instead moved into my closet to pull out the black sequenced top that screamed headache. It was cute, in that disco ball sort of way, and I remember how much Miranda complained about the dizzying effect it gave off. Surely mixing alcohol with said effect can keep away unwanted company. Hopefully Justin would take the hint. I ignored the grunt Belinda gave when I slipped the top over my head and grabbed for the pair of slim fit black jeans that hung off the back of Miranda’s favorite sitting chair.

" Really, I would prefer it if you didn’t come." I sat down in front of the vanity and began brushing vigorously through my tangled strands. I didn’t even bother to blow dry, so it must have dried in the mist of my catatonic state while standing in front of my closet.

" Geez Bry, you’d think we weren’t even friends."

" That’s what I’m trying to save here. Friendship." I sighed, throwing my eyeliner once I realized it needed sharpened. I wasn’t about to try and fish out the sharpener, not when I had not intent on impressing anyone anyway. " And linking you up with Justin is the perfect ending to a good one. We have a strict rule!"

" No...you have a strict rule." Belinda sighed, standing up and walking over to me. She grabbed for the sharpener, my eyeliner, and then my face. Turning me abruptly to look at her, she began the makings of a smoky eye. " He’s not that bad Bry..just give him a chance."

" Is that why your coming?" I asked, frowning my face up at her. She quickly smacked the side of my face, in which I relaxed, and continued applying the liner. " If that’s the reason, you will be sorely disappointed."

" No Bryne, that’s not why I’m coming. I just feel like a little jazz tonight.." Belinda is not the best liar, and hardly a fan of jazz, so the ulterior motive was lurking way beneath that ridiculous lie. I waited for her to release my face before I began my inquiry.

" You don’t like jazz. What is this about?"

" I’m learning an appreciation...."

" And my ass always gets smaller when I eat snickers..what’s the deal?!" I watched her face transition from hard to soft in the matter of moments before she finally spoke.

" I haven’t seen him in a couple of days, so I..."

" Oh no you don’t." I interrupted, I didn’t care for the explanation behind her logic. If she thought she was going to be using my business date to smooth out any of the wrinkles in her and Justin’s relationship, she had another thing coming. I didn’t care for the relationship to begin with, and I damn sure wasn’t about to allow the nonsense behind it to become apart of this planned event. I was prepared to do one thing and one thing only tonight, and that was to handle business.

" It’s not like the Bryn.."

" It never is. No."

" What’s the big deal?" I forced my foot into my stiletto heel and just turned to look at my friend. She had to be kidding me if she thought the question had one simple answer. I had an array of answers and not one of them bordered on the line of simple.

" Belinda...listen. This is business, which means I can’t handle..and I completely refuse to deal, with any of you and Justin’s bullshit. I’m trying to ensure that JC gets the best possible party that I can provide, and there is nothing more that I care about tonight, tomorrow, and damn near forever as far as you and Justin are concerned."

" Cameron’s back." I had to laugh. I mean the girl was priceless. If she thought by revealing these little tidbits of information, that I’d be more relieved and thus more willing for her to come, she was completely insane.

" Go home Belinda."

" I won’t cause any trouble."

" Go home." I moved passed her, grabbing my clutch and heading for the door. She ran in front of me and propped herself between us. I looked at the door, thought about smashing her head in, then looked at her. She looked desperate, very frazzled, and damn near pathetic. I rolled my eyes, wishing I had never come to know this side of her. This side that weakened at just the mention of Justin’s name. I had never known such power one person could have over another, and if you ask me it seems the man is just dishing it out from left to right. It’s like any girl that ever crosses his path is doomed; Britney, Janet, Belinda, Cameron. It’s a shame these girls weren’t lesbians, if you ask me.

" Please Bryne. I’m gonna come anyway, it would just be nice to know I have some moral support." And here I thought I was looking for that same thing from her. Releasing my resistance, I shrugged my shoulders in defeat and sidestepped the appreciative hug she was leaning in for.

" Don’t ruin this for me Lindy."

I think it must have been a conspiracy, this whole night. Not only was I heading straight into a catastrophe unarmed and completely powerless, but every cab in New York seemed to have been lining the back streets leading to Miranda’s club. The initial meeting time was for 10, and the clock on the dashboard clearly read 11:05 p.m. To make matters worse, Belinda hadn’t stopped praising me for allowing her to accompany since we stepped foot outside my apartment. I was already regretting my decision, and we hadn’t even encountered Timberlake yet. I stepped out of the cab and thought about running in the opposite direction. I’m sure Miranda was taking good care of JC and my absence could be easily explained later. But then there was Justin. I’m surprised he hasn’t called yet, I was expecting at least twenty calls from him. When Belinda and I finally made it to the door, I could tell it was going to be a packed night. More packed than usual. The line finished off the corner and wrapped onto the adjacent street. I can’t tell you the last time I saw so many customers, Miranda was definitely making a kill tonight. Once inside, I couldn’t believe my eyes, the place was packed. I couldn’t imagine how if everyone was already inside, how could there be anyone else left to fill the line. I searched around for Miranda, but had yet to place her. Belinda had long since left my side in hot pursuit of her superstar which allowed me the space I needed to conduct business. I immediately started scoping the room for JC. I’m sure Miranda set him up in one of her guest booths and that he had the best seat in the house. I currently was standing at the opposite end of the bar, so began to make my way towards where I believed JC to be. Out the corner of my eye, I recognized Stan- the regular bartender- pouring up a few drinks. He was around the same age as Miranda, with more grey hair and a heavier texture to his chocolate skin. He was always smiling, never missing a beat, as he buzzed around the busy counter. I moved to an open space and leaned in to catch his attention.

" Valentine!" he beamed, walking over to me and placing a kiss on my cheek. I smiled at the pet name he gave me and returned the gesture before leaning back.

" Where’s Randy?"

" She’s keepin the new boy company." Stan yelled over the music, knodding his head towards the direction they were. I visibly relaxed, once I realized Miranda was with JC. She was a miracle, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I was lost in my own thoughts, trying to decide whether or not I should hold off on getting a drink when I felt a hand on the small of my back. I immediately looked up and noticed that slight smirk on Stan’s face, before I turned around to find Justin smiling down at me. His scent filled me, as I took in the sexy grin that hovered over me. He was damn sexy, a blue eyed male adonis. The only problem is the damn bastard knows he it.

" Can I get a double of whatever the lady wants?" Justin was speaking to Stan but still looking at me. I was disappointed to find that I was still looking at him, caught up in his royal blue eyes, not thinking to offer my choice of drink. I was thankful to hear Stan’s clearing of the throat to see that he was pushing towards me my usual. Pineapple Juice and Vodka.

" Thank you." there was a throaty quality to my voice, that bothered me even more as I met eyes with Stan to thank him. He gave me an easy grin, before looking back towards Justin. Placing a money clip on the bar, Justin slid it over and winked in Stan’s direction.

" Make sure she’s taken care of all night." I choked on the cherry I decided to suck on while I witnessed Stan and Justin’s exchange. I moved to stop Justin from doing so, since it was my girlfriend’s club and drinks were always free, but Stan moved out of sight before I could do so. I caught the sly wink he gave me when he turned and looked at me over his shoulder. Stan, always the quick one.

" You didn’t have to." I still hadn’t looked at Justin, since I was still fretting over the moment before when I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I was insanely uncomfortable, which could be the reason why I gulped down the double shot of my drink. I heard him laugh behind me, still hovering over me, with his hand still in place. I didn’t like the way my skin, or his hand, seemed to be heating up where the connected. It was strange, very much unappreciated, and difficult to ignore.

" And I didn’t think you were one to party." He lowered his mouth to my ears so that I picked up his words clearly. I shuddered, subconsciously, and reprimanded myself for doing so by biting down hard on my lip.

" I didn’t think you were one to have thoughts." He only laughed as he handed me another double shot of pineapple and vodka which Stan had cleverly deposited on the space of the bar in front of me. I attempted to take a sip, but found that I had successfully swallowed half of the glass’ contents. Once again I felt his laughter behind me, all around me, as he moved closer. I turned, not exactly comfortable with the way his body was pressing into mine from behind. I didn’t know what I thought to have expected with him now pressing against my front. His arms were on either side of me, his body was a inch away and his lips were definitely borderline touching mine.

" You look good tonight."

" As I do every night." I lowered my eyes from his and instead focused on how eerily soft his lips looked. At that moment, as if on cue, his tongue slid across them. The end result was a moist blanket of pink haven that somehow had my insides flaming.

" I don’t doubt that." He seemed closer, which was impossible to conceive- since we were already a short hair apart. I could feel him smile, as ridiculous as that sounds, but I could.

" Where is JC?" I sounded a bit rash, but I couldn’t help it. My senses were out of order and the reasoning behind that wasn’t exactly comforting. For the first time that night, Justin took a step back and began looking over the crowd in the direction Stan looked earlier.

" He’s over there. With the club manager Mary something.."

" Miranda." I sounded stern, so expected his perplexed sideways glance.

" Yea Miranda." He corrected, a soft smile playing off his lips. His moist, pink lips. It was sickening. Here I was, staring at those damned things, seeming to have forgotten that my friend- whom I came with- was right now searching in high alert for him at this very moment. I was the worst case of stupidity.

" Thank you for the drinks Justin..I think I’ll go join them." I was moving to his side, but no sooner than I began did his hand find its way to my hip. Even through the sequenced fabric, I could feel the touch of his hand. It was maddening.

" They seemed fine to me."

" Yes, but..but we have business to take care of." I was stammering, I sounded like a babbling fool. I was acting so much unlike myself, that I was beginning to reason that I was no longer myself. This new person was first of all holding conversation with Justin Timberlake, and secondly responding acutely to his presence. This new person was making a fool out of me.

" So do we."

" Belinda is looking for you." I felt the words leave my mouth, but it wasn’t until I heard the stickiness behind them that it finally donned on me that I had said them with a bit of an attitude. I watched his eyes cloud over with shock, then surprise as he registered what I had just said. It felt weird to actually mention her, and I was hoping it had more to do with that fact that I never mention her to him and less with the last five minutes of our encounter. His hold on me lightened, and I took the moment to free myself of him. Moving into the direction I had initially started in, I tried to shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to understand it, much less name it.

Chapter 6

"Are you even listening?!" I wasn’t, in fact I never had been. I was too entranced. I was still thinking about how good she looked, and how good she smelled. There was something about Bryne James that had me losing my mind in the craziest of fashions. I couldn’t even muster up enough devotion to at least pretend to be entertaining whatever it was Belinda was standing in front of me barking about. Honestly, if I wasn’t so used to the way Belinda’s voice sounded and I hadn’t grown accustomed to it over the years, I wouldn’t have even known who it was that was talking to me. It wasn’t fair to be so far from this present conversation, but my awareness had long since left the moment Bryne walked towards the other end of the club. " Justin!"

" Scoopers, I’m sorry." I sighed, blinking away my momentary lapse.

" Jay..we need to talk." It’s funny that she would say that, seeing as though that’s exactly what we’re doing now. It’s like that line has to be said before any serious conversation can even begin to take place. Why are people so serious? Why don’t people just say what they mean, mean what they say and forget about all those pretenses and need of foreshadowing. If you want to have a serious conversation with someone, go ahead and start one, don’t allude to the fact.

"Okay." she looked a little put off when I said that, but what was she expecting? Did she want me to start up the marching band or something. I didn’t even want to ask why she decided that now was the only time a serious conversation could take place, when there was all day tomorrow and days thereafter. I didn’t even think to as ask what she was doing there in the first place, especially when it was very apparent that she was perturbed about something.

" When did she get back?!" I just stared at her for lack of having anything worth saying. I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate me asking what she was talking about, especially when it only took me a moment to figure out what she was alluding to. My next question then becomes, what does any of that have to do with her. That was the one thing about Belinda, she always flipped the deck. Either that, or she wasn’t ever playing with a full deck of cards. She always acted like she was just finding out about Cameron, like my four year relationship with the woman was always a surprise to her. That’s when my tolerance for Belinda always reached it’s maximum. I never lied to her, I never made it seem like I wasn’t living my life the way I’ve been living it. I’ve always been upfront with Belinda, and up until recently I thought we were always on the same page. I’m not saying what I do is right, but give credit where credit is due. I could have made Belinda out to be one of the many groupies that flock to my dick every night, but I didn’t. I had more respect for her, and our relationship didn’t start out like that. We were just friends. I had no intention of ever going there with her, I had never even thought of her that way until one night she brought it to my attention. I’m not talking like she happened to have mentioned it, and we sat down and had a heart to heart conversation about it. I’m talking like one night, in the middle of the night, while on tour in some random city in some over elaborate hotel - she walked to my room with nothing but her robe on and discarded it along with her feelings while I sat watching Jay Leno. Now I’m a man, back then I was a boy becoming a man, and I did the only natural thing a man would do. I took the fucking bait. I never had any hidden feelings that suddenly resurfaced when all that went down, so I never gave her the inclination that we had something more than what we already had. I’m not saying that feelings didn’t develop, but like I said before I wasn’t in love with Belinda. I’m still not. She’s just become so much apart of me, like the way a pet might when you’ve had them for a long time. Not that I’m comparing Belinda to a dog, although right now she’d be quite comparable to a female one.

" This evening." I didn’t want to be having this conversation right now. I actually wanted to be keeping tabs on JC and Bryne, for some inane reason that I still have yet to understand, but regardless I didn’t want to be standing here in the middle of a jazz club partaking in a senseless conversation with Belinda.

" I KNOW that!" she spewed, and I actually fought not to laugh. If she knew, why did she ask? Women were complex by nature, but this one was just a little off. If it hadn’t been for several years of sane behavior to draw back on, I would have concluded that Belinda was officially off her fucking rocker. But because I knew her, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Now, I’m not so sure.

" Scoopers..we’re in a club, you look gorgeous..let’s have fun." I waited for her face to relax. Finally it did, and she leaned into me, brushing her lips across mine. I held her away from me, knowing that there were cameras just waiting to flash and catch Justin Timberlake cheating on his girlfriend. Although that much was true, it didn’t need to be broadcasted all over tomorrow’s papers. Especially not when Cameron was preparing for a big movie release.

" Come on..just one kiss." she purred, and I tried to pretend that it did something to me. It didn’t. Not when she purred. In fact I hated it. Very much.

" I can’t Scoop."

" Tonight then?" I lowered my head, knowing that this was just another onset to another wave of battles. She was just pushing for a fight.

" I can’t Scoop. You know Cam is back." I waited, because I knew they were coming, and sure enough the first few slid down the sides of her cheek. She was a nutcase, and I hated to say that about Belinda. Aside from all these theatrics, she’s great. Right now though, she was getting on my fucking nerves. I hated tears, especially crocodile ones because more times than not they were all for show. And as much of an attention seeking bastard people think I am, if I’m not on stage, I don’t want it.

" So she comes back and you just forget about me."

" Scoop, are you serious?" I had to ask. Here we are standing in the middle of this nice ass club and she’s about to have another one of her all too famous breakdowns when really we could skip the whole pretense. I try to remember that this is not the Belinda that I’ve known for all these years, but these outbursts are becoming more and more frequent. I’m beginning to seriously doubt I ever had a clue.

" Yes Jay, I am." I wasn’t dealing with this. Not now. I dropped her arm and moved towards the direction I saw Bryne disappear into. I heard Belinda calling after me, but her voice quickly faded as I moved further into the crowd and closer to my destination. I hate to walk away from her like that, but it wouldn’t have done any good to stay. I’m beginning to think I should just leave her alone altogether. It’s starting to get harder and harder to convince myself that what we’ve been doing is something we should be doing. It’s never been right before, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve felt so wrong about it.

Thirty minutes, five autographs, and a few shots later I still hadn’t landed eyes on Bryne. The air was thick and it matched the agitation that was rising in my throat as each moment passed by without sight of her. I had finally made it to a secluded corner booth where evidence of occupation still lingered on its table. I figured Lonnie would do his job, and ensure that I wouldn’t be bothered as I nestled into whoever’s booth it had been previously. I was a fucking celebrity, which granted me the right to take over somebody’s booth- being in a bad mood and being a son of a bitch because of it had nothing to do with it. I thought about downing the rest of whatever liquid it was floating in the bottom of the cup, but quickly came to my senses when I could just as easily demand a fresh one be brought to me. I’m Justin Fucking Timberlake, I didn’t accept leftovers, nor did I appreciate brush offs. I know I’m starting to wave my own flag a little more than usual, but it’s the least I could do to repair my damaged ego. Who the hell did she think she was? I mean really, besides being an insanely sexual dark haired vixen- just WHO in the hell did this Bryne James think she was? Did she know I was currently dodging a reoccuring old flame of mine and skipping out on my fucking girlfriend in hot pursuit of her ass? No, I don’t think she does and moreover, if she did- I’m quite sure she wouldn’t care. Knowing that right there pisses me off even more than usual because one- I’m on the verge of being highly intoxicated- and two- I’m rarely rejected. I’m not one of those egotistical bastards that claim to never be rejected, but the incidents of the before said happening are very far and few in between. I’ve never really prided myself on being a ladies man, I mean well because my reputation speaks for itself- or at least it had until that fateful night I ran into her ass. As if it was some kind of crazy trick Fate got off on, I have yet to do the same tonight- even when I know she’s in this damn club and very much so under my radar.

" Excuse me, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.." I tuned back into reality just in time to see two overly intoxicated women pushing against Lonnie’s oversized arm. I sighed inwardly hopping that they’d follow orders and leave me be, but could tell it would be a cold day in hell before they would when I caught their persistents groans.

" Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaassssssssse! I’ve been in love with him since I was thirteen!" I watched the brown haired girl purr, pushing her chest even more out of the top that barely concealed them. She must have adorned me for a very short time since she looked to be no more than eighteen. I noticed that she noticed I was watching her, which is why I’m guessing her tongue took that precise moment to slide across her bloodstained colored lips. I felt the seat of my pants arise in response, and momentarily hated the influence that alcohol had on my senses right now.

" Give us just a minute, and I swear he’ll thank you." That haughty remark came from the shorter, blonde haired girl who winked seductively over towards me. I smiled in response, or at least I think I attempted to which caused both of them to giggle either way. Smoothing a hand over my head, I wondered if it was the best idea for me to entertain these two given the circumstance of my last social encounter with Bryne. I thought about how responsible of me it would be to turn them away and then of how weird it was that I wasn’t even taking Belinda into consideration before I knodded Lonnie my approval. I watched as the girls sauntered over and slid into the seat in front of me, my mind quickly forgetting all logical thought surrounding my decision. I was too entertained by the way Girl A’s nipple pushed over her bra- that I believe she was pulling down, or no it was definitely Girl B who was guiding the material. They said their name, but they were just as soon forgotten. I leaned further back in my seat and watched as the two began fondling each other, both keeping their eyes on me. I had already been introduced to lesbian foreplay, hell I’ve been in the limelight for over a decade. I always considered it weird, if not wrong, but could watch all the same. I’d rather the girls be over me than each other, and morally I just think the thought of two woman together was just indecent and unnatural. You could just guess how I feel about men. Lance wasn’t very receptive of my beliefs, and thus I hadn’t spoke to him in nearly eight months. But that has nothing to do with what’s going on right now. I’m actually quite enthralled, and not by their antics but more so by my own need to sedate my desires. I can’t have Bryne..but I can certainly have these two. And Belinda. And Cameron. But not Bryne.

" Can I?" Girl B had moved from her previous position now to my lap. Her eyes were motioning towards the seat of my pants. I quickly glanced over at the brown haired girl and watched as she leaned over the table, her breast pressed against the surface. I was opening my mouth, but her hands were already on the zipper and her mouth was already on mine when I heard the sudden gasp. I just figured it was the blonde haired girl getting off on herself..but it wasn’t. Fate finally decided to step back in, and there she was. The one girl I could never have. Bryne.

Chapter 6 b

" We have to go. NOW." I heard Lonnie, but I wasn’t exactly taking heed to his words. Instead, I was more or less transfixed by the screaming woman standing in front of me. It was surreal. After all night of looking for her, she had finally found me. Only this encounter was going nothing like how I planned it, and the more she stood yelling, the worse I began to feel. By worse I mean my head was picking up wind as it increased its spinning due to her outrage. Damn she was sexy, but that didn’t excuse her from yelling my fucking eardrums off.

" ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!..DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE HOW MUCH OF A FUCK UP YOU ARE??" Only my mother could talk to me like that, and Lynn Harless never did. Standing up, I discarded Girl B off my lap and stood face to face with a fuming Bryne. Her breath was hot, airing across my face as I stepped unusually close to her. I didn’t think we were that close, but when it felt like I was inhaling her every exhale, I kind of figured we might have been. Those damn shots.

" Lower your fucking voice." I heard myself growl, I meant to yell, but I didn’t. I was holding her arm, which I didn’t notice until her eyes went to my embrace. She looked back and forth between our connection and me before she suddenly yanked her arm back to her side.

" Why..you wouldn’t want people to hear what they can already see!" She smelled like cherries, like she’d been sucking on them all night. My thoughts instantly flashed to a picture of her, pulling the stem from her mouth, sucking hard on the explosion of cherry flavored juices that filled her mouth. I suddenly wanted to taste it, taste her, but she wouldn’t keep her mouth still-she was too busy laying me out. " Don’t you have any fucking morals?!"

"What’s it to you?!" From the corner of my eye I could see Lonnie ushering Girl A and Girl B away from us, which proved to anger Bryne even more.

" You disgust me, you know that?! Not only are you once again here to ruin another one of my engagements, but your flaunting two pieces of desperate ass for the world AND Belinda to see! Don’t you care?"

" Why do YOU care?" I was avoiding answering her question. My mind didn’t care enough to be Belinda conscious, as I was once again more focused on the woman that now stood in front of me. She was glaring at me, her sequenced top causing an eerie glow about her face that somehow enhanced her already perfect features. Her mouth had finally stopped moving, in fact it looked pursed- like whatever I had just said stumped her for words. I had forgotten that easily, but then remembered it had something to do with wondering why SHE cared so much. From my recollection, she had a strict No Justin Timberlake policy- which meant she could have cared less about Belinda and I. Why, now, was there such a drastic change?

" Belinda is my friend."

" She’s always been your friend." I wasn’t buying that concerned friend bullshit. If she was that concerned she would have grabbed Belinda herself, so that she could see the shit firsthand. But there was no Belinda, there was just her and I and if she thought that I would attribute her obvious anger to her close ties with Belinda she was sadly mistaken. This time she released a frustrated sigh and I felt the wave of warm cherry scented air fill me. " Tell me why you care." I had placed my hand on the small of her waist and took a step closer as I guided her one closer to me. Her eyes widened, her nostrils even flared, but her hands didn’t come to my chest in protest. " Tell me."

" I..." I was watching her, even through the heavy haze of my intoxication I could see the clear and intent gaze of her eyes. Her mouth was parted, and I took that as a subtle invite. It didn’t matter that she didn’t say it, I knew what she wanted. I wanted it to.

" You what? Tell me Bryne." She felt so good pressed up against me, her hands now grasping at my arm, her chest gradually picking up momentum as her breaths quickened and her resolve weakened. She opened her mouth, and it could have been to say something, but I guess I’ll never know. My mouth had already claimed hers.

Chapter 7

I wish I had taken that drink. At least then it would explain my current behavior, and the behavior I’m continuing to display thereafter. I’m still kissing him, and my senses are flying, my knees are bucking and my damn lips won’t stop working their way into his. Fuck. He tastes better than I thought, and I might as well admit that I’ve been thinking about it since..well hell, since I’m clearly kissing the fool. I want to stop, but I guess my body is refusing to take into consideration any of the protests I’m dishing out. With every whim of resistence, there came crashing his soft- incredibly soft lips against mine wiping away any control. I didn’t even have the will to let go of his forearm, which flexed with every movement that brought me closer..and closer to him. He smelled so good. Like a damn cologne add. You know the ones that you watch from your living room couch, where it seems like one man’s scent hypnotizes an entire population..well I always try to imagine what it could possibly smell like. I’ve since stopped having to imagine, Justin was fucking toxic. So toxic that he had me wanting his hands sliding down the small of my back to grip me from behind as his tongue slicked in and out of my mouth. I’ve never kissed a man before, and here I was kissing the one I hated most in my girlfriends club. This has to measure towards the top of the list as one of the things you just don’t do..EVER. But I couldn’t stop. And the moan that fell from my lips, sounded foreign to my own ears. He was moving his lips across my collar bone and it wasn’t until then that I realized it was an untouchable spot for me. Surely Miranda had to have come across that same spot before, but I know for sure it never had me at my wits end. What in the hell is wrong with me? This was my girlfriend’s club, my best friend was here and at any moment either one of them could walk by and catch me in this unmistakable act.

" Stop." even I would have ignored the gesture, and it was even less enforcing with my body bending towards him in need. It was like the word was never uttered, and they were easily forgotten when I felt his hand snake under my shirt. His hand moved smoothly up towards my breast and the already hardened nipple that all but poked a whole through my bra was dying to feel the warmth of his touch. I gulped down the moan that climbed my throat when I finally felt the softness of my skin mesh with his.

" Fuck Bry..." he moaned those two words into my ear and you would have thought it was a declaration of love the way my body melted against his. This was NOT suppose to be happening. I wasn’t even suppose to be within five feet of him. My plan was to cleverly dodge him and Belinda and successfully seal the deal with JC. I managed to do none of the above, since I had just walked away from a nagging Belinda not even two minutes before encountering Justin. I had stopped by the bar to check on Stan, he pushed a drink towards me and I pushed it back. Fucking mistake. I should have downed it and asked for two more. Anything that would allow me to place the blame elsewhere when it came to explaining why it was I was STILL in fact making out with Justin.

" Stop." There was more of an edge behind my second attempt. It did nothing to stop him though, and his tongue worked magic along the line of my neck causing me to writhe beneath him. This was insane. It couldn’t possibly be happening, but it was. If only I had ignored the big burly man I recognized as Justin’s bodyguard and just walked the other way. But NOOOOOO. I had to be Ms. Let-me-pry-and-see-why-the-big-angry-bodyguard-was-guarding. I didn’t know what to expect when I finally made my way over to him, but what I did not expect to see was twiddle dee and twiddle dumb spilling out of their tops and onto the table. " Fucking stop!" I pushed off of him and tucked my bottom lip in avoiding all eye contact as I gathered my senses. I wasn’t ready to look at him, I didn’t know what I expected to see when I did. Up until moments before I was a sure shot lesbian, who never had and thought to never want anything from a man, who thoroughly despised her best friend’s "fuck friend" and loved her girlfriend. Now. Now I am a fucking mess.

" You gonna tell me..." his voice made me quiver. I could just imagine the look in his fucking haughty ass eyes, and it drove me mad. I could even picture his lips curling into a half smile, and that damn tongue of his wiping across them lazily. I could picture all this without turning my head the few millimeters to look at him. It was torture enough that I already had him in my thoughts, I didn’t need to make it a reality.

" Fuck you Justin." I meant it, and not in the actual fucking sense. I closed my eyes and willed myself not to think about Justin fucking me and rather tried to focus on that disdain that carried me through many days when having to deal firsthand with him. Where the fuck was it? Why could I only picture his tongue flicking across my chest and his hands dipping into my depths?! Why? Why when I never had these thoughts before?

" I could do more." his voice was unnerving me, and at the rate it was going it might as well fucking undress me. I shouldn’t be so phased though, he probably had this art down to a science. I still had a long way to go, but I could at least get the idea of why it’s so hard for Belinda to resist him and even more how he could pretty much have any woman ready to give up her virtue on the spot. I’m a lesbian, I make love to woman pretty much everyday of my life, how in the hell can he have this effect on me?

" I’m not one of them. You can’t have me the way you want me." Who in the hell was speaking?! Did I just say that? Am I implying that Justin wants me. I mean given the circumstance, its not very far fetched, but just who in the hell did I think I was? I hate this man. With a very strong, undying passion. He certainly couldn’t have me in any form or fashion. So why was my heart fluttering in anticipation for a response? I made the mistake of looking at him. He had been smirking, I could tell from the lines in his eyes as I watched them relax until they were all but invisible. Now he had this intent glare spread across his features and my heart did stop at the sight of it.

" How can I have you then? ‘Cause I definitely want you." He was good. Damn good. There goes my heart, beating like it was trying to win the race. I felt my palms begin to sweat and somehow my throat dried out. Where was Stan with a drink when you need him?

" There you are mi amor...I was just showing Joshua around. He seems to have fallen in love with the place." At that moment my heart stopped, and I was thankful to have been facing Justin so that I was allowed that brief moment to regain composure before I turned around to face Miranda. Taking a deep breath, I turned to see both Miranda and JC standing in front of me, their cool smiles reassuring me they hadn’t caught wind of the tension surrounding Justin and I.

" You’re a lucky woman Bryne...I was a dance away from stealing her from you." JC laughed easily and my heart jumped a beat as I hoped Justin didn’t catch what he just said. I was hoping he was too intoxicated to pick up on the conversation. I laughed lightly and waited for his interjection, and breathed a sigh of relief when I heard none.

" It would take way more than a couple of waltz around the floor hombre." Miranda winked and moved to my side to snake her arm around my waist. I felt my body tense up, as he squeezed me tightly before placing a loving kiss on my neck. The same spot Justin had just kissed. I closed my eyes and thought about what was to follow. There was no way Justin hadn’t picked up on the fact that Miranda and I were together. I waited again for a response, and to my surprise there was none. I couldn’t even imagine what must be going through his head right now, but it wouldn’t do me much good to know anyway. I still haven’t made sense of the mess my mind was creating.

" I wonder if Jay met up with Cam yet." I had sense abandoned my wild and crazy thoughts and focused on the conversation before me. JC was explaining how he couldn’t wait to start rehearsing for his release party and how this venue would be the perfect spot for him. I even heard Miranda mention Justin, which is why JC made his comment in the first place. It wasn’t until, though, that I realized Justin was no longer behind me. I was so caught up that I hadn’t even noticed his departure. Only that wasn’t what had me so choked up.

" Excuse me..did you say Cameron was here?" I cleared my throat and hoped that by repeating the words, it would make them more or less untrue.

" Yeah, I’m sure he met up with her. He dipped off just as we were approaching." I heard JC, but I had stopped listening and instead went back to my own thoughts. Cameron is in the club. Belinda is in the club. I just made out with Justin, and he so conveniently dipped off. I can’t tell you which of the three I’m the most upset about, but I have a strong feeling its neither the first or the second.

Chapter 7 b

The ice cubes knocked against the glass when I finally released it of my possession and swallowed the remaining drops of liquor it previously contained. I was on my third class of whatever brown colored liquor I found unopened in Miranda’s bar, and I was beginning to understand why it was public places never gave you tall drinking glasses whenever you requested your favorite liquor on the rocks. I peered down at my favorite cup and thought about how I used to drink root beer floats out of it. It was the classic Coca Cola cup, with its long windy shape, that I specifically bought for the purpose of indulging in my favorite spin of my favorite soft drink. Now I was sucking the life out of a lone ice cube, that was once coated with the numbing substance I couldn’t get enough of. My, how times have changed. I had been sitting here for well over an hour. In fact, it’s been an hour and twenty three minutes, and I don’t have to ask whose counting, because it’s almost a given that I always am. I’ve been sitting in this same position, with my foot tucked under me and my leg pressing up against me, rotating side to side on the bar stool in front of our kitchen island. I was a pathetic display of mess, as I still had yet to remove any item of my clothing and could still smell him all over me. Justin. Even after I rushed out of the club, hopped into the cab, stumbled into my apartment- all of which took a whopping seventeen minutes- I still couldn’t get away from him. Not fast enough, not at all. His presence still lingered, around me, all inside of me, and the damn fool only kissed me. And I kissed him back. Even with every reason not too staring me in my face, I kissed him wholeheartedly like my fucking life depended on it. Like it wasn’t enough seeing him with the two bimbos moments before, or even Belinda’s radical ass following me around all night to know that kissing him wasn’t a good idea by any means. What did that make me? Who did that make me, that I could do some slimy ass shit like that in the middle of my girlfriend’s club? I needed another drink. I predicted that I would after the first one, so the now almost half empty bottle was still within arm’s reach as I went to poor me another glass. Watching the liquid fill all the way to the top I commended myself on my logic in choosing the bottle. I had gone with the notion that Miranda would probably be pissed if I finished off one of her already opened bottle, because with my luck I would have surely chosen her favorite. By choosing an unopened bottle, I would be able to take my fill and still leave enough for her to enjoy. At least that was the idea, now it’s not looking like even half will be left to divulge in. I just needed to escape these thoughts, these thoughts that kept replaying over and over , forcing me to remember his lips and hands and scent. Fuck. Everything about him was so good..too good, and that was what made these fucking thoughts unbearable. The least he could have been was a bad kisser. But no, he was a remarkable kisser, his lips soft as a fucking petal and to make matters worse they tasted like a dream- a fucking dream. If your wondering what it means for someone’s kiss to taste like a dream..then count your blessings and go after him, Justin is the truth.

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!" I had to yell, I know I’m alone and probably makes me even more insane, but something had to give! I left the club for a reason, in fact I left for many reasons. One having to do with the fact that I couldn’t stand to be around him, anywhere near him anymore. I’m not sure how much I would have been, considering Cameron had just popped onto the scene, but I wasn’t taking any chances. Which is why I didn’t even bother to seek Belinda out. I know shit was about to go down and I already had my share of it for the night. I didn’t need to be apart of anymore of the drama that is sure to be associated with Justin. Reasons like tonight is why I have such a strict ‘NO JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE’ policy in place, to prevent and/or stop any unnatural confrontations with the fucking imbecile. Tired of thinking I grabbed my glass and guzzled down its contents. Somewhere in between me gulping and slamming down the empty glass must have been when the door opened and closed. Either case, it would have to explain why Miranda was now standing in the entrance of the kitchen glaring at me in the disapproving way of hers. I close my eyes and drop my head back. I’m not even sure what she’s going to say, but if I just take a moment to reflect on all that she could say I know it’s going to be in the ball park of everything that I DON’T want to talk about.

" What happened to you?" I felt like all the liquor I consumed somehow traveled to the expanse of my head and now had me feeling like I carried a ton on my shoulders. I let out an exasperated sigh in response and opened my eyes to stare at the blank ceiling ahead of me. It’s safe to say I’m now fully intoxicated, but I’m sure intoxication wouldn’t buy me out of this conversation.

" So your drunk?" I still had yet to say a word, and when I lifted my head back into position, I saw Miranda grabbing the bottle and twisting the cap back on before placing it back on her bar cart. I wanted to protest, but it would only go unheard so I just watched as she moved across the kitchen. She looked tired, slightly upset and annoyed as she slammed two aspirins on the counter in front of me. I looked at her, noticed the weary lines around her eyes, then picked up the two pills to place them in my mouth. She handed me a glass of water and I watched her as I slowly swallowed what was in my mouth.

" I’m sorry." my voice was hoarse and full of remorse that I’m sure she didn’t even place. How could she? She didn’t even know all that transpired, but the guilt nestled deep within me. Forbading me to forget, willing me to even attempt to try. I closed my eyes, and there he was, his beautiful blue eyes looking down at me- his lips descending towards me.

" Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?" I opened my eyes quickly, not because of her inquiry, but more so because I couldn’t stand to see him in my thoughts and I didn’t want to see where they would lead . " Mamas?"

" Mimi..I’m sorry..just..." I couldn’t think of a word, well I could think of plenty, but none that I was willing to use at that moment. There was no way I was going to tell her that I was confused, uncertain, or any of the like. Afterall it was just a kiss. Just one, simple, forgettable, kiss. Right?

" I was worried." she was at my side, taking my head in her hands and placing a soft kiss against my forehead. I’m so wrong? Nothing about his kiss was forgettable, and yet I had to forget now, I just had to! Especially with the way Miranda’s lips are moving down my face, over the bridge of my nose, to the sides of my cheeks. And now, her familiar lips were on mine. Kissing me the way they always had, catching each breath I dared to take. I kept my eyes closed, wishing that my mind would follow suit. I was with Miranda, kissing Miranda, about to make love to Miranda. None of the above has anything to do with Justin, so why can’t I forget him.

" Don’t be." I assured watching as Miranda smoothed m hair behind my shoulders. I wish I was as sure of my answer as I was trying to be, in more sense than one. I began unbuttoning the silk blouse she wore, keeping my eyes with her. She was the love of my life, all I’ve ever known. There was no way one mistaken kiss was going to change that. It was a mistake, and accident, a horrible- ridiculous accident. I couldn’t question the love of my life over an accident. Miranda and I had more than that, so much more.

" I love you Mamas." I slid the material of her shirt passed her arms until it dropped to the floor and reached behind her to unbutton her red lace bra. I paused, leaning closer to her so that my words would not only be heard but felt. She had to know, I had to tell her. She was my everything, my world, my love. Kissing her softly, I unclasped her bra and whispered my words of love against her lips. As if that was all she needed to move forward, I felt her raise my arms so that she could remove my shirt then bra, and exhaled when she pressed her body against mine. The familiar touch I had known, the only touch I had known, the only one I needed.

"I love you Mimi." I pulled away from her, looking her in the eye as I said the words. For a moment she just looked at me, her expression unreadable as she just stared at me. I waited, my heart beating with every passing moment, and hoped that when I closed my eyes I no longer saw him. Finally she kissed me, passionately and fiercely, the softness of her skin molding itself to mine. I closed my eyes, hoping that his face no longer lingered. I was wrong, I was so wrong. There he was, like he’d never leave, like I’d never forget. But I had to, I just had to. " Take me to bed Mimi..." I whispered, opening my eyes, forcing him out...out of my thoughts.

Chapter 8

"Justin...over here!" I grimaced, but not in response to the overzealous cameramen that surrounded us. Instead I was once again pushing the ignore button on my phone to silence the nineteenth call Belinda had placed to me in the last four minutes, she was pushing my patience and resistance to do much else than sigh. Luckily Cameron was so preoccupied with her PR agent Ben that she had no clue the woman I’ve been fucking for the last eight years was currently blowing my phone the fuck up. It’s been like this all day, starting way before sunrise and I seriously doubt the woman has any intentions of stopping before nightfall. Usually I’d high tail my ass over to her apartment, lay into her ass about hounding me all day and then fuck the shit out of her- but that would only be under normal circumstances. It’s not even that Cameron is here, which is what I’m sure Belinda believes its all about, but its not. It’s about Bryne. I’d never tell Belinda’s crazy ass that, but I might as well be frank- at least with myself. And Bryne James is fucking the shit out of my normal ass routine. Seriously.

" Baby...smile..now." I tucked the phone back into my denim jean pocket and produced the camera ready smile Cameron practically demanded I reveal through gritted teeth. After several flashes, and a blink of the eye later I was once again fishing out my phone to silence yet another one of Belinda’s calls or so I thought. When I glanced down at the screen a natural smile spread across my face and without second thought I excused myself to a nearby empty sidewalk table. Flipping my phone opened, I settled into the available chair and beamed.

" Surprise..surprise."

" Get your nose out your ass and tell me you can get you to JFK in a matter of minutes." Willow Sparks was the runner up contestant in Millington’s 1992 Dairy Day Talent Show, coming second to none other than me. She just didn’t have enough charm to swoon the crowd, as I had, in her frilly, overstuffed, yellow princess dress. I believe she belted out some reindition of whatever Whitney Houston song was out and popular at the time, but once again her vocals had nothing on my breeches. The stint was damn near 15 years ago, which would make her one of my oldest friends- once again coming second to Trace. I like to believe that even if she wasn’t the love of Trace’s life, she’d still be apart of mine since our grounds of friendship rely heavily on our blunt, sarcastic and highly egotistical attitudes. She’s the only girl I can safely call a friend because she is the ONLY girl in my life that I haven’t fucked, have no intentions of fucking, and can bet my life along with at least a handful of others that even if I was asnine enough to try- I’d end up fucking myself over somehow. I respect that she’s Trace’s girlfriend, but that isn’t why I never made a pass at her- mind you, she wasn’t always with the Tracemeister. And if your thinking there’s something wrong with her ass, aside from the obvious, then that’s a dead end too because Willow is gorgeous. She has the thickest red hair imaginable, that’s more than likely gonna be in a sloppy ponytail tucked on the top of her head, and her eyes are fucking hypnotic. Aside from that she has one of the thickest asses I’ve ever seen on a white girl, and unlike the many ‘mislead’ white girls- such as Cameron- she actually can dance. So after listing all these fabulous qualities and discounting the fact that she’s actually Trace’s girlfriend, I’m sure your still wondering why in the hell haven’t we fucked. Well I’ve never thought about it, so I guess that’s going to be one of those questions that is often asked but never answered. It just makes sense that we didn’t, always has and always will.

" Well when you put it like that..good luck hailing a cab." I smirked, intercepting Cameron’s outright with one of my infamous heart melting smiles. She was pissed that I wasn’t at her side, smiling like a fucking porcelain doll while her and Ben played the media all the hopes of gaining promising promotions for her upcoming film. I was thankful for the decoy Willow provided and even happier that now I had an excuse to dismiss myself from the ridiculous charade I’ve been playing all afternoon with Cameron and these gotdamn cameras.

" Get your scrawny ass down her Timberfuck! It’s not like I wanna be holed up with a bunch of caffeine dependent asnine travelers all day!" She was charming, wasn’t she? I hung up the phone, not caring to listen to the dial tone that was sure to follow after her cutthroat words, and jumped out of my seat to jog over to Cameron. Placing my hand on the small of her back, I pressed my lips to her earlobes and hoped that this tactic would allow for an even enough transition into my request for departure. She didn’t squirm, didn’t sigh, and I don’t believe the woman even blinked upon me doing so. I hated to remember, but the image of Bryne quivering beneath me didn’t stop itself from invading my mind. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard before stepping back and pulling Cameron’s arm along with me. I don’t think she noticed, until we were safely out of the camera’s line of focus, that she was moving- which only proved to me further that my presence really wasn’t needed. She hadn’t said more than three words to me in the last hour, and they were the same three words she continued to repeat through gritted teeth. Baby..smile..now. I was fucking tired of smiling, and now I was more than ever ready to blow this gig and pick up Willow.

" Justin what are you doing?!" she hissed, her clear blue eyes lowering into slits as the corners of her mouth turned down. You would of thought I dropped my pants and mooned all of 5th Avenue the way she was glaring at me.

" I gotta go Cam..."

" NOW?" I hated when people did that. Like by asking questions, with exuberant feeling, they’d somehow sway you from doing what you previously said you’d do. Like take this instance for example, there was no hesitation on my part when I announced to her that I was leaving, so what on earth made her think that I’d be reconsidering once her eyes grew big and her mouth wrapped itself around the ridiculous word ‘NOW’. Yes right the fuck now! So I just stared at her, like I did most people when they tried that questioning bullshit with me. She finally took the hint, and rolled her eyes, dismissing me with a quick wave of her hand. I nodded over towards Lonnie who was seated on a bench not to far away, his eyes already trained on me. Even though he’s a big ass dude weighing in at 375lb and standing about as tall as a fucking light pole, he always managed to make himself scarce- yet I knew he was always on the lookout. As strange as it might sound, even though I don’t always see him there, I know he’s watching, and that is what I refer to as some good ass body guarding service. I never have to wander, I know my ass is protected.

" I thought I might have told you my flight was coming in tomorrow..." I grabbed her suitcase, before I grabbed her waist and pulled her into a tight hug. " I mean what’s it been two hours."

" Forty five minutes butthead." I saw the way she rolled her eyes, and new that even after 15 years, she still hated the nickname I adopted for her. I wish there was some elaborate story behind the name, that would give you insight on how awesomely deep our relationship really is, but there isn’t one and I pulled the name from my favorite show at the time. I tried to get her to call me beavis, but everytime I mentioned it she smacked me upside the head. She used to explain how you can’t just tell someone what you want to be called, adopting someone a nickname was a friend-given right, and should be used only at the discretion of that friend. In other words, it was some big sacred ordeal that really went beyond just picking any old name. It wasn’t until I discovered how strong her feelings were about innate things, that I realized there was more too my panty-wearing bestfriend than basketball, singing ,and cussing. She was actually an intellectual of sorts, which is why I wasn’t surprised when she had gotten accepted to Harvard. The chick had brains, she still had a sour mouth, but she was smart as hell.

" Oh gosh you must have been rolling under the sheets with Cameron!" She backed away from me, pinching the bridge of her nose as she frantically fanned me away. I laughed and ignored her sentiments, I was used to her sensitive nose. She always said you could tell a lot about a person by just sniffing them out, and she pretty much based her judgement on how well she thought a person smelled. I never asked why, I didn’t really care, it was one of those things that I never went into with her for fear of walking into one of her infamous hour long conversations about nothing. Either case, she hated the way Cameron smelled, hated the way Belinda smelled, and always encouraged me to use my senses to weed out the bullshit. She considered Cameron and Belinda to be bullshit, and while I do appreciate her words of advice- I’d rather not consider her a love doctor since afterall she’s fucking Trace on a regular basis. I’m not saying I love the way Cameron and Belinda smell..but I don’t hate it.

" More like walking down 5th Ave."

" She went outside smelling like a Horse’s balls?!" Her face was uncanny. Priceless even. She really looked like she just stuck her head in shit and pulled it out just in time to say so. I couldn’t help the laughter that spilled from my lips, I wasn’t in any way condoning her reference of my girlfriend’s scent to horse balls, but you do have to admit it was funny.

" It’s not that bad." I chuckled, opening the door to my car and watching as she scooted across the seat.

" But you DO admit it’s bad." I don’t particularly love the way Cameron, nor Belinda, smells but it’s not at all like Willow’s portraying it to be. I wonder how Willow would take to Bryne’s scent. Whenever I got around her, she smelled like....damn, I couldn’t tell you. It’s like this soft, subtle, sweet mixture of everything. Like the other night in the club, when we kissed, and I tasted her, she tasted like a bowl of fucking cherries but she smelled like ginger, or some type of wild flower. It was an amazing smell, just like her kiss was an amazing kiss, and I bet she felt like.... " Earth to Retard!"

"Damn..my bad." I sighed dropping into the seat next to her and shaking Bryne out of my thoughts. It was becoming increasingly hard to do so, and the fact that I haven’t seen or heard from her in a little over a week did nothing to aid the matter. Then with recent reports from Andy, I’ve learned that she’s becoming more and more adamant about not accepting anything from him on my behalf. I can’t say that I’m hurt, since it’s pretty much been her response thus far, but I am intrigued in the sudden adamant refusal. I wouldn’t kid myself, much less doubt myself by believing she was turned off by the kiss. Everything about the way she reacted, which in turn had me reacting, said otherwise. I’d been meaning to go by her office, surprise her myself and back her into a corner until she finally gave into me. I was willing to do that any day, but with Cameron breathing down my back and Belinda filling up my call list- I couldn’t find the time to do it. Now I’ve got my best friend in tow, and the likelihood of me stealing away and getting the time I need to get to Bryne was slim to none.

" What are you thinking about Toad?" And you see, that’s what Willow- the intellectual tyrant- came up with as a nickname for me. I once asked her what it meant, and she told me she’d tell me one day when I was ready to hear. I took it as she was faking the funk and pretending to have some intellectually stimulant answer, when really she probably just liked the way it rolled off her tongue. Some times she was brilliant, but anyone who is willing to put up with Trace has got to have their feebleminded moments too.

" I was just thinking what have I done to deserve this."

" What do you mean?"

" Why are you here?!" I whined and watched as the concerned look that graced her face washed away and was suddenly replaced with attitude.

" You nibble headed fuck."

" Surely that wasn’t scholarly." I teased and dodged her hand, before settling against the seat in a fit of laughter. Soon after she joined me and threw her arm behind my neck, pulling me into a brotherly hug.

" I figured you missed me." she sighed and I had to admit that I did. Living the life of a playboy is not all that it’s thought to be, and there are some nights I just want to be around someone and just be. I mean, no fucking, no arguing, hell I could even just sit in silence. That’s what I want, to be able to be with someone that I’m comfortable enough to just be in a room alone with and sit in silence. It’s like everyone always wants something from me, and if I could just have that one person that could have it- but could also have nothing and be just as content- there’s nothing I wouldn’t give that person. Sadly enough, Willow is the closest thing to that person in my life and as much as I cherish our friendship- I still feel like I’m missing out on so much more.

" I wouldn’t say all that.." I sighed, smiling playfully towards her. She rolled her eyes and settled back into her seat, with her feet tucked under her and her sloppy ponytail bouncing above her head.

" So why are you still with Cameron?"

" I hope you didn’t come all the way to New York to ask me that."

"No. I came to New York to get a cheap Kate Spade bag. While I’m here, I might as well ask what I want." I looked at her, thought about laughing, but knew that she was more than serious. The girl acts like two of the most important men in her life don’t have a big ass cash flow, like Trace and I can’t get her the whole fucking collection in the blink of an eye. She still gets off on street vending, which is why I repeatedly say, I love this girl.

" She’s my girlfriend."

" The draws you had on yesterday are still yours...but your not wearing them now."

" Or am I?" she frowned her nose, but ignored the comment nonetheless. Tugging on a loose strand that fell around her ear, she began looking out the window, humming softly to herself. I would have relaxed, but the sound of her humming and staring meant she was seriously thinking, which only meant one thing....the beginning of one inquisitive LONG ass conversation.

" You could do better Toad."

" Really? I think I’m doing pretty good."

" SO you’ve broken it off with Belinda have you?" I sighed deeply, I knew exactly where this conversation was headed. Down the street of right from wrong, good from bad, no Belinda or Cameron..but a real woman, who smelled good and had the power to stop my playboylistic ways. I like to refer to these conversations as The Trace and Willow Hour Sermon. They come about very often, more often in the last few weeks, and never falter in exhausting me.

" No..in fact, I’m gonna fuck her later on tonight." I wasn’t planning on it, but I might as well. I can’t get her to stop calling, I’m kind of bored with Cam, and fucking Bryne is robbing me off all logical thinking. If I get one out of me, maybe I’d return to normal. Maybe I wouldn’t be about to explode over a fucking kiss.

" So you still do that do you?" Willow’s response was dry, the look on her face even drier. It’s funny because I don’t tolerate these kind of conversations, only from her and Trace. My mother too, if she were to ever catch wind of the mess her son truly was, but as it stands now- just my two best friends. I even blow a fuse when Belinda starts in on it, and we’ve been dealing with each other for eight years. It’s not that I don’t understand that she needs more, it’s just that I understand I’m not the one that’ going to give it to her.

" Yeah, as often as I can."

" You’re a pig..I love you, but you are. Don’t you want something real?"

" I got something real..a real ass headache..so can you be the best friend that you are and lay off me." I smiled tightly, knowing that I can only talk this way with her, and she’s one of two people that can talk this way with me.

" One day Toad...one day it’s gonna hit you so fucking hard your gonna lose your fucking mind." she laughed, and I just shrugged. As long as I kept up my antics, I wouldn’t have to worry about that- and as far as I’m concerned that’s a chance I’m willing to take. I’d rather be in control, than lose control. Love was just something I’m not ready to do.

Chapter 9

The streets were crowded. I don’t know why I thought there would be one sole hour of the day that I would have Canal St all to myself, just to wander and play, and bargain and shop. I love the street vendors, they’re who make New York. Nowhere else can I buy designer head to toe and spend a whopping $200 for the entire ensemble. Then there is the food. Yeah, to some it’s just hot dogs and peanuts, but to me it’s like a feast fit for kings..or rather queens in my case. I absolutely love the candied peanuts, and the fact that I can grab a can of Schwepps ginger ale on any corner puts the icing on the cake for me. Canal St. is where I come to get away from it all, and just let myself go! I’ve spent the last week with my nose in the books, trying to tackle any and every account besides the one that’s been in need of my infinite attention. I just can’t bring myself to open the file. I don’t want to see his name, I don’t want to dial the number, I don’t want to deal with the fact that one day- and one day soon- I’d have to face him again and deal with all that came as a result of that kiss. It was just a kiss. I tell myself this everyday, and I try to push it under a rug as if it was as innocent as stealing a cab. It’s not. It’s not as easy as it is when your driving off in some other person’s cab, looking behind you through the dirty back window and offering them the apologetic ‘I didn’t know’ shrug. No, but I wish it was. No this kiss is comparable to the not so innocent accident of running a stop light. In some cities, or small towns, you get away with it. Nobody gets hurt, and if your ever caught, the most you get is a slap on the hand. But in New York, your likely to cause a fucking traffic pile up. That’s what those damn lips of his are causing me, and I’m hating every minute of it. How could I have been so stupid, to honestly stand there and..oh gosh, I hate to even think the word. It just brings to mine the way he felt, and the way he tasted, and that sickening feeling fills my stomach- and those questions cloud my mind- and I’m right back to the center of my guilt, utterly confused, and damn mad about it.

" Would the pretty lady like to buy a tie for her husband?" It was an innocent question, coming from an innocent vendor, but he just picked the wrong day..and unfortunately the wrong girl to ask.

" I’m a lesbian." I didn’t yell it, I didn’t even sound too happy about it, but I said it, and that was that. I am. I am a lesbian, and unless he was going to sell me a fucking pair of pantyhose for my girlfriend that particular Vendor couldn’t do anything for me!

" Oh." I watched him retreat back into his station and sneered as I huddled my bags closer to my persons and began stalking down the sidewalk. This was suppose to be a relaxing experiment, and I had no real reason to be parading around like it wasn’t. I was on Canal St, far-far away from my office and even father away from Justin. I took a deep breath in and readjusted my attitude. He wasn’t going to rob me of my simplistic pleasure in vendor shopping, no one was. Which is why I completely ignored Belinda’s request to tag along. I hadn’t even told her I was coming, who I had told was Tameka. She was my secretary, and the only reason she was informed was so that she’d have an idea of where I was in case an emergency arised. Since I’ve left the office, I’ve received numerous phone calls with just too many people knowing where I was. First there was Miranda, then there was my mother and then Belinda. She almost begged me to meet up with her on the train, but I absolutely refused. Truth was, I hadn’t seen her since that night. I couldn’t face her. Which was good for me to do, but I guess my timing for it all was pretty bad for her. I’ve checked the first five of the twenty messages she left on my phone and from the sounds of it she is really choked up about Justin. From what I gathered, she hasn’t seen him since that night and she knows he’s probably avoiding her because of Cameron. Usually this kind of banter bored me, made me feel like I wish I’d never answered the phone. Times like these were when I’d pull out my strict ‘No Justin Timberlake" policy and enforce it to its fullest. Only this time, I couldn’t stop listening, I wanted to hear what he was up to. If he had fucked Belinda since, if he was at home fucking Cameron. It’s insane, really because I used to be indifferent to him and now..now, I’m fucking aggravated. More like pissed. And I have no right to be. That’s the part that scares me. I even told Andy that I can’t..or rather I wouldn’t be allowing any more of Justin’s sentiments to be sent to my office. Usually I didn’t care. It was expected, now I couldn’t take any part in them. I wanted every reminder of him out of my office, out of my mind, out of my life. I just kissed the poor bastard. When had a kiss done anything like this to me. As if on cue with my self pitying thoughts, droplets of rain began to pelt down onto me. I reached the next vendor and purchased an umbrella, not willing to wait another second without one in fear of a downpour. As I tour the plastic off, I thought about how ridiculous I was acting. I was a fucking lesbian tripping over a meaningless kiss shared with a man. Yeah the man happened to be Justin, my best friends lover, the man I hate, but he was a man at any rate. I wasn’t interested in men. They weren’t compassionate. They had no morals, no heart, no fucking care for others. They were a bunch of ruthless panty chasing bastards that did what they wanted, when they wanted, to whoever they wanted. Not to say that there weren’t any exceptions, but surely there weren’t enough! I was taking to long to get the damn thing going and I felt the rain begin to fall harder. By the time I got the umbrella opened, my silk cotton shirt was drenched, my hair was a chaotic mess and the fucking sidewalk was suddenly bombarded with pedestrians. I began moving in the same direction of them, trying to make my way to Venny, my favorite vendor with the best Kate Spade bags on the strip, when I heard several screams. I kept moving, it was New York, you learn to overlook. Only the screaming kept coming, and it seemed to be geared toward the direction I was headed. I pressed on nonetheless and prayed that I’d make it to Venny’s in one piece. I reached the end of the block and stepped onto the street, only a few feet away from Venny’s. Some obtrusive black man was standing rather close to the familiar cart, and I hoped that Venny wasn’t getting busted. He had this yellow bag, " Erica" , that I was just dying to have.

" Please, step away from the lady and Mr. TImberlake." The big burly man was pointing to a group of men with cameras just ahead, his voice stern and strong. I must have stopped in the middle of the street, unable to move after hearing his name, for suddenly I was being pushed forward. When I regained my composure I could clearly see him..and then her..and then him with his arm around her. My stomach dropped, my throat dried and I believe the semblance of anger burned in my eyes. Why was I angry, I couldn’t tell you, but I was. Then she laughed, the red head whose body was inseparable from his was throwing her head back in a fit of laughter. He was laughing to, whispering something in her ear and it reminded me of the way his lips touched my ear..begging me, edging me on. Just then someone crashed into my arm and violently pushed me to the side. I turned to glare at them, but they were gone, already forgetting that I was once in their way. Turning back I watched as Justin and the woman moved around the bags, fingering a different one, finding something else to yet again laugh about. I felt the bile rise in my throat. The anger was shooting out of my nostrils, but why. Why in the hell was I so angry?

Tell me..tell me why you care so much.

His words played over and over in my mind and I felt like I was about ready to scream. I couldn’t believe he was there, and then with whoever the damn girl was that just wouldn’t stop laughing and throwing her fucking head back.

Tell me.

" Ma’am, please step away." I didn’t realize it, until Justin’s eyes looked up and met with mine. I must have been ignoring his bodyguard for a long time because he sounded very perturbed when I tuned back in and I could tell, by the way that he was hovered over me, that he had every intention of moving me himself. Before I could protest, Justin was at his side, grabbing his arm.

" No...she’s cool." I didn’t have time to be grateful for his rescue, I was too caught up in all the emotion his devil ass brought out of me. I choked back my gasp and was thankful that I had that little control. I could only look in his eyes for a moment before I had to turn away. They were to beautiful. " What...what are you doing here?" I wanted to ignore him, but something inside of me wanted to respond to the obvious curiosity and the not so obvious nervousness behind his words. I looked down at my feet and willed myself to forget those lips of his pressed up against mine.

" I..I was just looking for a bag." It was none of his business, but the odds were against me and frankly cussing him out in broad daylight, in the middle of a rainy New York street while he was surrounded by body guards and his female companion wouldn’t be in my best interest.

" Yeah." he breathed and if I wasn’t so focused on how the rain pressed his t shirt even more into his chest, I would have noticed how uncomfortable he looked. He surely sounded the part. Maybe he was expecting to be caught frolicking around with Ms Red Head. Just like a man, and more importantly just like Justin. I can’t believe I...

" Toad..you’ve GOT to see this bag!" I grimaced at the ridiculous pet peeve name and looked over to see the red head dangling my "Erica" bag in front of her. I was livid. It was the last one, I could tell because there was no other like it on display and Venny didn’t have a back room with inventory. " I soooo want this one!" I couldn’t control my snort, and I didn’t care at that point that Justin had heard me.

" Fuck." I hissed before turning around and marching in the opposite direction. I heard Justin call my name once, but I ignored him and I even ignored Venny whom I could see peering over his cart to watch me stalk down Canal St. What was suppose to be a day spent forgetting Justin and grabbing my bag turned out to be an awful twist of fate. Not only did I run into Justin, but his latest conquest grabbed my bag. Fuck. Fuck.Fuck.

Chapter 9b

The week didn’t get any better. I still had no "Erica" bag, hadn’t made any move to work on the vastly approaching engagement I had with Justin, and had yet to forget the way his lips felt against mine. I was sickening, absolutely sickening. I’ve managed to feign deep sleep for the past five days whenever Miranda finally made it home, and thus not only was I sexually frustrated but my mind was foregoing mental deconstruction. It was like in the matter of two weeks, I had suddenly gone from someone who used to know herself, to someone who had no idea who she was at all. I hadn’t even thought about some of the things that have been crossing my mind in years, not since I had to have an answer to those puzzling questions that were spewing from my father’s mouth and filling my head. It was no secret that Earl James was completely against his daughter being a lesbian, it was the topic of his everyday conversation until the day he died. For a year, I tried- even at my wit’s end- to convince the man that this- this woman who loved other women- was the person that I had come to be. I wasn’t confused, I wasn’t inexperienced, I was just simply in love. He never understood, told me that I didn’t know what I want partly because I never had anything. My father ruled his household under a strict hand, so he considered himself responsible for my lack in knowledge when it came to love and passion- I hadn’t had a date until Miranda. She was my first, in every way. He saw her as a menacing older woman who forcefully set her wiles onto me until I, the impressionable young adult, gave in. He died thinking that way, locked in his bedroom with only my mother and our pastor. He didn’t want to see me, hadn’t seen me in almost a year, and refused to lay eyes on such a "sin" the day he was to finally lay to rest. It broke my heart, nearly killed my mother, but we got passed it- I got passed it. Ever since that day, I never thought about it. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s driving me inane. I didn’t realize I had started crying until I felt the arm come around my shoulders and the smooth voice whisper against my neck. For a moment I just closed my eyes and let the tears that hadn’t fell since that day two years ago, wash down my face and unto my sheer blouse. I let my head fall into the crevice of the shoulder that suddenly appeared for me to lean on, and for that moment- found consolation in the arms of the person I had yet to even acknowledge stepped into my office.

" Don’t cry Bee..tell me what’s wrong." The voice was soothing, like it belonged in a song, like it had once sang a song I used to hear all the time. It didn’t matter though, I just needed to get these damn tears out. I needed to finally be able to release some of the pent up frustration, the hidden confusion, I had all but mastered over the last two years. This was insane. One person couldn’t make me feel this way, it wasn’t fair. It’s not even a person I particularly like very much, or at least I thought I hadn’t. This same person has me standing in the middle of my office, two weeks after the fact, questioning who I am, thinking about my father, crying on the shoulder of whichever brave soul decided to console me. I looked up, my tear stained eyes widening in horror as I recognized my consoler. It was the same person I couldn’t forget, the same person I’ve been trying to escape..

" Justin?" I croaked out his name and felt the embarrassment wash over my face even before the sound registered in his ears. It took him a moment, but it didn’t take long before the half smirk- in response to my ridiculousness-spread across his lips. His eyes softened and I believe the hold he had around me tightened, and for a moment I relaxed against him. For that lone moment I forgot he was the Justin I hated, the one that paraded around with various women- including my best friend, the one that caused the tears in the first place. Then I remembered.

" What are you doing here?" My voice completely changed from the croaking mess it previously was and settled into a stoic angered tone. His eyes showed his confusion, even more so when I pushed off of him and crossed the room over to my desk. When he came in I was still by my file cabinet, sobbing like a damn baby. It was because he caught me at such a bad time that I even allowed his arms around me in the first place, now that I had my mind he had no permission to touch me.

" Why were you just crying?" his voice still held his concern, and if I view him as the devil’s spawn I might have responded in a gingerly manner. Only I wasn’t fooled by his feign interest, it was probably just one of the tactics he used to get into woman’s panties. He has certainly won the battle with many.

" It’s none of your business. Did we have an appointment?" He looked good. His hair was low, the curls barely turning, but looked soft- so soft that I thought about how good those tendrils would feel running through my hands. His eyes were so fucking piercing, they might as well just dig a whole right through me. He was remarkably handsome, and the fact that he had me thinking so unsettled me to the core.

" No..which is one of the reasons I came.." He paused, his eyes still looking over me like they weren’t completely ready to ignore the previous moment. I closed my own and prayed that he would. I needed him to forget that moment, just like I’m sure he forgot our kiss.

" One of the reasons ?" Why was I talking, I should have kept my mouth closed and let him back himself into a corner. Why was I encouraging any conversation?

" I wanted to say I’m sorry..." I rolled my eyes before he could finish. Just like him to come waltzing into my office, while I’m crying, to apologize about some damn kiss I didn’t even remember. Well..a damn kiss I didn’t want to remember.

" Save it. I’m not sure if you make a habit out of apologizing over forgotten kisses..because I had forgotten until you brought it up, but use your tactics on the little red bimbo..or WHOEVER else it is your fucking these days!" Before the conversation started, I decided that it was best I played the non-partial, uncaring role. It seems that I completely through that logic out of the window, and instead settled on making a complete fool of myself. I hated the way his eyes lowered into a glare, but even more so because they had my insides flopping all over the damn place.

" What the..." he sounded stressed, angered, which was better for me because it meant I wasn’t the only one working off of emotion. " Bryne...I wasn’t talking about the kiss." He let his words settle themselves within me and instantly that burn of embarrassment returned to my cheeks. I felt like a flaming fool! I hope he wasn’t waiting for a response, because I really was at a lost of words, since my actions made it pretty evident that I was clearly thinking about the damn kiss when I said I wasn’t. Damn. Fuck. Shit. We stood there in silence, him looking at me, me looking at the floor. I didn’t know what the next move was, but if I learned anything from this previous lesson, it was that I should keep my mouth shut.

" I was talking about invading your private moment." his voice sounded really forced, like he wasn’t the only one working under the pretense of controlled emotions. It made my heart skip a beat, made me wish my office door hadn’t been closed but thrown open, made my mouth water, made my knees weak. " I’m not sorry I kissed you." It would have been better to have just stayed looking at the floor, but my eyes went straight to him, and my mouth parted making the inaudible sound that escaped it even more pronounced. If the moment wasn’t so intense, I’m sure one of us would have laughed, but nothing about this moment was funny. He began walking closer to me, closing in on the safe distance that was between us. I imagined that I began backing up, but I know my foot didn’t move an inch since the moment he started his descent towards me. I held my breath and waited, waited to see what he was going to do next. When he was finally in front of me, and his presence filled my every sense, he lifted his hand to graze my cheek. I shouldn’t have closed my eyes, but I did, I couldn’t help my reaction to him. I waited to feel his lips on my own again, I wanted to taste him, to feel his hands running through my hair, anything but this distance. Instead I felt his thumb coming across the skin under my eye, his breath mixing with mine.

" I’m not fucking her." I opened my mouth, I had already felt his lips against mine and I wanted him to stop talking and just kiss me. It didn’t matter at that point, and I think I was so far gone that I actually believed him. I opened my eyes and melted inside, he was so fucking gorgeous. " She’s just my friend." His eyes pleaded with me to believe him, his lips still danced on top of mine. He could have told me the pope was coming for dinner and I would have believed him.

" Bryne." he wouldn’t kiss me, his lips just wouldn’t give. I had since closed my eyes and it wasn’t until he called my name a second time that I realized he wanted me to open them. I did, swallowing hard, and stared back into his beautiful blue eyes. " Do you hear me?"

"Yes." I breathed and leaned up to take his mouth into my own. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to. And just like that our lips meshed, and his tongue slid its way into my mouth, and my breath was taken from me. He responded to my need like it was his own, lifting my body to his and then turning so that I was seated on my desk. He nestled himself between my legs and for the first time I felt ‘it’ against me. It was so hard, pressing against my stomach instantly causing my excitement to gush out of me like a fucking wave of wet passion. I never felt so in need! I dipped my head back when his kisses dropped to my neck and hugged him closer to my body, needing to feel his manhood against me. It felt so good, just pressed against me, I can’t even imagine how it would feel all the way inside of me. I never imagined just to kiss him would feel this way, the thought of him making love to me was unfathomable. I was caressing him before I could stop myself, my hand had made it’s way to the seat of his pants and just began to move up and down him. It felt so thick, thicker than those damn toys Miranda always wanted to play with. I was always afraid to let her use one on me, but its amazing how bad I want to feel Justin all within me.

" Bryne..baby..stop." he moved his kisses back to my lips, moved his body away from mine and grabbed my hand before I could stroke him one last time. When he finally released me from his kiss, he just looked at me, still holding my hand, his chest heaving in and out as hard as mine. The look in his eye matched my own confusion, of all the things I expected him to do, I didn’t expect him to pull away- much less stop me. I was disappointed, more than disappointed, I was embarrassed. If he could fuck Belinda, and all the other girls- which I don’t really know if there are any, I just assume because he’s him there is- what was wrong with me?

" Wh..why did you stop?" I hadn’t yet come back to my senses and I was blabbering like a fucking fool, talking when once again I shouldn’t have been. He just looked at me, his breathing finally slowed, but the look in his eye didn’t let up.

" I didn’t want to." he leaned back into me, resting his forehead on mine. I breathed him in, closing my eyes, wishing he was back where he was a moment before, pressing against me. I still hadn’t fallen from my high and my body was still controlling my mind. I kissed his lips softly, once, then twice, and then he opened his mouth to me- deepening the soft kisses I placed alongside his mouth.

" Do you want me?" This person that is talking, she is not me, I have officially left the building and in return a fucking traitorous nymph has taken my place. Even Justin pulled from me, his eyes showing his confusion, but also showing so much more. I couldn’t read him, I didn’t want to recognize what I thought layed just beneath the surface. Instead I wanted a simple answer to my simple question, all the other stuff that came with it could be dealt with later. I just wanted him to answer my basic need. " Justin..Do you want me?"

Chpt 10

She had no idea what she was asking me. With her mouth slightly parted, her breath fanning my face, I found that she was not only what I wanted, but what I so desperately needed. If I had to put into words all that I wanted from her, it would simply be everything. I wanted her body, every curve, every crevice, every secret place my mind couldn’t even think to fathom, I wanted it. Those thoughts of hers, the ones that had her sneering at me one minute, but then bending beneath me the next, I wanted those. I wanted her smiled, I wanted her frowns, I wanted her. The thought alone scared the shit out of me, because there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about her. Since that kiss, the fucking mind numbing kiss, I can’t get the taste of her out of my mouth. I couldn’t even walk past a fucking department store counter without at least attempting to draw out her scent. One time I spent over an hour, lingering over the damn cosmetic section of Neiman Marcus - I must have sniffed damn near eighty bottles trying to find that one- it was to no avail. I don’t where the hell she got it, but they don’t sell that shit in stores, and if they did I’d buy a case and douse it over every square inch of my house, my car, hell I’d even sneak the shit on Cameron and Belinda’s neck- which is how I know I got it bad. Then she got me checking my phone every minute, wishing the thousand and one calls I’m receiving from Belinda’s persistent ass was at least one call from her. I don’t know why I was expecting one, from the way she looked at me just last week, there was no doubt in my mind that her disdain for me still stands. Only the memory of her kiss, the way her lips moved against mine, the way her fucking scent wove in and out my nose had me thinking that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t all disdain. She couldn’t kiss me like she had if it was, she couldn’t kiss me like she just did if it was. So now I’m standing here, having come in her office on a false pretense to talk about our business together when really I could give a damn about any of that at this point- I just needed to see her. I walk in and she’s balling like there’s no tomorrow, her shoulders were shaking so violently that I couldn’t stop myself from going to her. My plan wasn’t to mention the kiss, in fact I didn’t really have a plan, I was going to wing it and pray that she allowed me to stay for as long as I could. I was suppose to be meeting Cameron at her photo shoot on the other side of the city, I was supposed to be accompanying her to JFK where she was catching a flight back out to her movie shoot. I should have been worried about seeing my girlfriend off, but it somehow meant more to me to come and see this woman, console this woman, assure this woman that I wasn’t fucking my best friend. I knew she thought that, I could tell it in the way she looked at Willow, and I found myself agonizing over how I could convince her that Willow and I were just friends. For some reason I didn’t want Bryne thinking I’m out here fucking every Sue, Lisa and Jane. I might be, at least I had been, but if it meant never seeing that look again in her eyes I would just as soon stop. That...that right there had my ass confused more than a motherfucker!

" Do..you?" She was so fucking beautiful, and it amazed me each and every time. Did I want her? My ass could dodge the shit out of every fucking woman that’s been apart of my life for some time but couldn’t get enough of her. I literally couldn’t get enough of Bryne James, there was no doubt that I wanted her.

" Yea." I leaned in and kissed her, holding the back of her head in the palm of my hand. I felt her exhale deeply into my mouth, her hand rising to my arm, holding onto me like I’d leave her. Like I’d bolt out any minute, like this moment wasn’t real. I pushed myself back into the space between her legs and deepened our kiss, moving my other arm to bring her closer to me. This moment felt surreal, like it wasn’t even happening, and I knew any moment reality would come crashing down and this momentary solace that we had would end.

" You didn’t ask me." I pulled my lips from her neck, kept my hands at her waist, as I looked her in the eye. That moment of truth, the moment I was trying to avoid suddenly came. I wanted her, and it was simple enough to understand. She was a beautiful woman, she smelled like something I don’t believe even exist- except for on her- but it drives my senses wild anyway. I wanted her. But it was more than that. Usually I’d want to fuck the shit out a woman, or feel the way her mouth closes around my dick- it’s about as blunt as I get and I’m not too ashamed in telling them. I’m a man, and I have status, which makes all the shit that I desire become most women’s will to do for me. Being at the top for so long, you forget what its like to be rejected. To be told no. It’s rare that you find someone who isn’t willing to fall down at the sight of you and do as you please. Bryne, she’s different. She doesn’t cater to me because I’m Justin Timberlake, in fact I think she hates me because I’m Justin Timberlake. The sex icon, the womanizing male recording artist who can hush a crowd of woman with a smile and three high notes. Even Belinda, I’ve known her for eight years and I think she still gets off on the fact that I’m who I am. Cameron, her and her agents rape the shit out of my status, and all for the glory of her career. I know these women want me, and more importantly, I know why these women want me. But Bryne..I don’t know. I can’t believe I’m even kissing her, holding her..shit holding back the urge to make love to her. Since when the fuck did I do that? Her hand was against me, fucking easing the pain out of my throbbing member, and I stopped her. I stopped her because I wanted it to be different with her. I could take her right now on this desk, fuck the shit out of her two or three times until my body was completely sedated with her. Until I was immersed in her fucking essence, so much so that I could walk out the door and smell her all the way home. But it wouldn’t be enough, I wanted more. Which scared me, because she was one person I wasn’t sure would give me everything I wanted. The things I wanted from her, would mean she would have to want me. All of me. The good and the bad. I couldn’t change what I’ve been, and I know she already has her ideas about what I’ve been, hell I’ve been fucking her best friend for damn near eight years..and I had a girlfriend. Someone like her deserved someone better than that, I hadn’t been better than that, and I don’t know if I could be better than that. I wanted to be, for her sake- another thing that scared me shitless.

" Don’t you want to know?" I looked at her, I breathed her in, and my mind whirled with the thoughts. I was better off not knowing, at least then I wouldn’t feel like such a fucking disappointment. I wanted to be more to this girl than an occasional fuck, and I couldn’t blame her if that’s all she wanted to be to me. I’d made my own bed, and now I have to fucking lay in it. I wasn’t willing to just be that, and I didn’t want confirmation that I’d just be that.

" No." she gave me a puzzled look, and I kissed the side of her mouth before pulling away. It took all I had to cross to the other side of the room and take the seat in front of her desk, away from her, away from her warmth, on the otherside- back to reality. I waited for her to turn around, and after about five minutes I didn’t think she would. I expected to be met with her familiar frosty glare and my heart did jump when I noticed how swollen her lips looked- my mind instantly referring back to our kiss. I adjusted myself in the seat, cleared my throat and lowered my eyes from hers. It was an awkward moment, but much more forgiving than the one that would have followed had she told me what I didn’t want to hear.

" I think August 8th would be the perfect date." she sounded so professional, nothing like the vulnerable weak voice laced with desire that fluttered against my eardrums moments before. I breathed in heavily, taking in the scent of her, wishing I could just cross back over and place my mouth all over her. I started thinking about how good she probably tasted in between her two southern lips and my fucking pants pitched a tint. I had to get out of there, had to get my fucking control together. I didn’t want to do anything we’d both regret, and I’d regret the fuck out of life if I blew any chance of having her the way I wanted just so I could have her this once.

" JC’s birthday." I knodded and we met eyes for a moment. Her own were suddenly lightened, like the prospect of questioning what just happened between us came to mind, but then the cloud of familiar loathe seeped through and she was back to looking down at her papers.

" Is that good for you?"

" Yea..it’ll be fine."

" We should get a guest list then."

" Yeah..maybe we could get together with JC and come up with one."

" Or just maybe JC and I." There was a moment of silence, the air was thick and laced with silent intensity as we stared back in forth. Her eyes challenged me, and I had to swallow hard. She was just trying to get a rise out of me, and although she was succeeding in more ways than one, I wasn’t going to let onto the fact. If she was implying that I drop off and let her and JC take care of everything, we had another battle on our hands.

" Or maybe all of us."

" I don’t think it’s in our best interest." she was trying to keep it professional, so I could commend her for that. But the shit she was referring to wasn’t professional, it was personal and though I’d rather not bring it into our professional relationship- it looked like it was already imbedded deep within.

" Why?" There were so many reasons why, but I wanted to hear some of hers. I’m sure I know some. She just looked at me, and I really thought she didn’t mean to answer. Her eyes just lowered into slits and her chest moved up..and then down..and then up...

" Get out."

" No matter what we end the same way." I laughed..it was probably inappropriate, but she had to see the humor in my logic. I could come in here offering peace, she’d throw me out..consolation, same difference. I’m beginning to believe if I gave her what she obviously wanted I’d be sent packing not too long after.

" Listen..I want to drop this account. I’d pay money to drop this account. I do NOT want to work with you..be around you...KISS you..and all the shit that you manage to make happen anyway!"

" So I made you kiss me?" she always passed everything off to me. Like I was the one responsible for every bad decision in her life. I fucked up once, but leave it to her and I’ve pretty much fucked up every minute of my existence.

" I didn’t want to." she spat, her mouth twisted, but her eyes certainly giving her away. She was lying, and doing a horrible job might I add. Why in the hell was she so intent on NOT giving into me? Did she really have to lie to avoid it?!

" You fucking wanted to."

" No..."

"Yes..Bryne, you did. Don’t. Don’t sit there and act like I fucking forced your tongue down my throat!" she looked pissed, standing to her feet and leaning over her desk. She did this often while I was around, the only other thing she always seem to do besides kissing me whenever I come around.

" Fuck you Justin. You probably get off on this shit! Does it make you happy? Do you like the feeling of being able to conquer every fucking piece of ass in this WORLD!" I finally stood up, hating that she viewed me like some fucking self-serving player. I’ve had my share of ass, I have, and I’ve done my dirt, but I wasn’t that horrible of a fucking person. I was a decent individual, who occasionally gave into my own need, but I never duped anyone into thinking they were something more to me than they were.

" I never went after EVERY fucking piece of ass! What the fuck Bee..you think I’m some kind of self-serving bastard?!"

" No Justin...I think you should get the "boyfriend" of the year award!" We were standing there yelling in her office like we were yelling over us. I wasn’t her boyfriend, I never did anything to her in that way, I wouldn’t do anything like that to her, but her stubborn ass has got it all settled in her mind that I’m some self-serving bastard! Even if I wanted to change, it would do her no good!

" So what Bryne...should I just fuck you now? It doesn’t seem to make a difference if I do or I don’t. Is that what you want? For me to fuck you. Right here, right now." She backed down a little, her eyes lowering, and her body cowering from me. Couldn’t she see that I was trying to do the decent fucking thing? That a moment before I could have taken her for all she had, and I didn’t.

" Why..when you have Belinda. And Cameron. And the fucking.."

" Red Head. Bryne her name is Willow. She’s my best friend, the girl friend of my only other best friend in this gotdamn world. I’m NOT fucking her!" I pushed back my chair and turned my back on her, pissed that she got me this fucking heated when all I was trying to do was do the right thing. It’s like I can’t even fucking win with this girl, no matter how much I want to. I placed my hand on the knob and turned back to her before opening the door. She was standing behind her desk, her face a mask of many emotions, none of them which I could read- which only frustrated me more. " You want JC you got JC."

" At least I don’t have to worry about him trying to fuck me..and all the other woman in the gotdamn world." I closed my eyes and breathed throughout my nostrils. She was one hell of a force to be reckoned with, and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why I’d rather do this with her than not.

" I don’t want to fuck you Bryne. You really want to know what I want ?" I didn’t wait for her to reply, I just leveled my eyes with her and held them with my own. " I want to have you..all of you, and know that when I finally do have all of you..I’m gonna take you inch by inch, until you realize that it’s never been about fucking you." Her mouth dropped open, and from across the room- I could tell her breathing stopped. She didn’t even utter a sound as I made my departure, moving past Tameka- who obviously heard everyword- and down the steps, unwilling to be in the proximity of Bryne any longer. If I had stayed..I know without a doubt, I would have made good on my word.

Chapter 11

I glanced in my compact mirror for the seventh time since I first took my seat behind the bar three minutes ago. I don’t know what it was that my nerves going, my heart jumping, and my anxiety heightening- and I have no idea why I think glancing at myself every twenty-five seconds is going to produce some kind of change in this unnatural state. There was no wind, very little heat, and absolutely no activity that would cause my hair to move even a hair out of place, but there I was staring at myself, pulling at the same strands that still had yet to break from it’s loose curl. My hair was flawless, like it had been the last time I checked. I was going insane.

" Another martini ma’am."

" Two please." the bartender gave me a look before turning to concoct my drink, and I ignored him like I tried to ignore the rapid tapping of my foot just below me. Why was I so nervous? I know exactly why I’m so nervous, that wasn’t what concerned me..it was the fact that I was nervous that had my mind frantic and my heart beating fast from within. He was already ten minutes late, and if I wasn’t thankful for the extra time to gather my fucking senses, I would have been livid. But the fact remains that I need this time, I need this solace to drink away my uneasiness so that I could at least try to appear somewhat normal..and very nonchalant. Two things that I was no where close to being.

" Here you are?" the bartender was back with that lifted eyebrow bullshit that I’m figuring is suppose to serve as some type of display of silent concern. He didn’t know me from Adam..or rather Eve, and it was none of his business if I decided to throw back a couple of martini’s in the middle of the day. He had no idea what I was preparing for.

" Thanks." I breathed handing him a tip, since he already had my card to build a tab, and hoped that the big face bill would sway him to abandon his concern. He got the hint and moved along the bar, while I reached for the first of the two glasses to gulp it back. I’m sure it would take more than this third martini of mine to get these damn goosebumps up my arm to settle, but I was willing to try anything at this point. It’s been five days, and I still can’t shake that eerie erotic filling in the pit of my stomach that emerges everytime I think of him. Justin. That kiss at the club was a mistake, but what took place in my office was not. I was fully conscious, fully aware, completely awaken by him and the shit scared me. It was like the past three years of my life had never taken place and I was experiencing my first sexual awakening in the arm’s of the one man I hated. Is it even possible? Could a kiss do that to you? There wasn’t too many places I could go searching for answers, but the one confidant I did have was the liquor that sloshed around in the bottom of this glass. Mr. Goose and I have formed a heavily sedated, but favorable relationship over these past couple of days. With him I’ve been able to resist the urge to dial the number the one number that seems to pop out of my franklin daily planner everytime I open it. Which is funny, because it’s not on every page, but specifically on the page under the numbers belonging to people with T as the first letter in their last name- and yet I seem to always find myself staring at the same ten numbers- with my finger on the number pad ready to dial. I am pathetic. I have nothing even substantially decent to say, that wouldn’t have me sounding like a sprung out fool, which is why I never do end up calling and why I was now moving to my second glass to finish it off. I wasn’t prepared for this meeting, had somehow missed where Tameka penciled in that I would be meeting with Justin today, and have been shitting bricks since I first stepped into this bar. Which is very nice, and high class, quite romantic, and making me nervous with every moment that passes and I’m still in it.

" Bryne?" I choked on the flow of liquid that was passing down my throat the same moment I heard my name come from his mouth. I covered my mouth, lifted my eyes and confusion and turned to stare at JC who stood behind me with a bemused look on his face. Swallowing my drink, I cleared my throat and tried to appear as if I was smoothing out the lines of my skirt rather than freaking out like I really am. I wasn’t expecting him, can’t say that I’m entirely disappointed, but can’t say that I am overly happy.

" JC..what a surprise." I breathed and noticed the puzzled look on his face.

" Justin did say we were meeting today, at three..I know I’m late but..." I felt stupid, very much uninformed and a little ridiculous for the way my heart fell when I realized Justin would not be coming.

" Oh..yes, yes, your right..I just thought he was coming.."

" He’s been in L.A. for like five days now." I tried to hide my surprise, but it was clear and very evident with the way my mouth dropped open and my eyes bugged out. The liquor was taking its toll and it was sad to realize that it was no longer needed.

" You didn’t know?"

" Uh..yeah I think he mentioned it." I lied, because I didn’t want to seem even less informed than I actually was. He hadn’t mentioned one word about leaving, which was odd because that would mean he left that day when he came to my office. " Oh gosh.."

" You okay?" I didn’t mean to say that outloud, I thought I was just thinking it. I closed my eyes and chewed on my bottom lip, hating that dizzying spell that always came when you tried to relax but sudden influx of alcohol had you trying to do otherwise.

" Yeah..just...a headache." It wasn’t what I said that made the whole insinuation that I had a headache so unconvincing, it probably had more to do with the four or so empty martini glasses sitting in front of me. Why in the hell hadn’t bartender man picked these up, I thought lazily. When I turned to look at JC, he was looking between the glasses and me, his doubt obvious even to me.

" Maybe we should call you a cab..." he opened his wallet and lifted his hands toward the bartender, flashing him a big bill. I hopped off my stool and reached for it, not meaning to grin, but I could feel my lips spreading anyway.

" At this hour..you’ll never get one." I don’t know what hour I thought it was, because I suddenly forgot the time, but I could tell that I must have been way off by the way JC was looking at me.

"Alright Bry..we’re getting you home."

" He’s got my card." I slurred and I hated the way I sounded. I cringed at my voice and leaned against the bar for support. I was too lifted to feel embarrassed, I actually just wanted another drink.

" Hey buddy....another martini..make it two!" I don’t know why it looks like I’m holding up six fingers, but either case at least one drink should be heading my way. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel so well and I moved to sit down because it felt like I was spinning out of control. I reached for my seat, felt air, but proceeded to sit down anyway. I was just thinking of what a long way it seemed to be to reach my seat when I suddenly felt two arms around my waist. I looked up, could have sworn I seen stars and collapsed against whichever body that stood behind me before my world faded to black.....

I opened my eyes and found that I was in my bed, tucked under an obtrusive amount of colors, with every curtain drawn and all the lights out. I heard voices, coming from the other side of the cracked door that seemed to be the only barrier of light. I turned my head to see if I could place them, but it felt like a fucking wave of nausea washed over me. Oh, shit..I must have done it again. I reached for the bottle of aspirin I usually keep on my nightstand for these occassions, but could only feel the smoothness of the wood mantle. Where the hell had my aspirin gone? I never move it, but maybe Miranda had. Throwing back the covers, which seemed to have wayed a ton, I began my ascent towards the bathroom.

" Fuck." I must have walked into the lounge chair I would have probably seen had all the lights been on. Within moments they were flicked on, and as I sat nursing my throbbing knee, JC and Belinda came into focus. What in the hell were they doing there? I thought I left JC at the bar..and Belinda..I’ve been avoiding her. What was she doing there?

" I knew you’d probably started this shit again!" She sighed angrily, picking me up off the floor and walking me back towards the bed. I rolled my eyes, knowing that she was about to blow all this shit out of proportion. She always did, like the big drama queen that she is!

" Oh gosh, I had a couple of drinks.." I started, forgetting that JC was even there until he came to stand in front of me.

" That’s always your excuse Bry..." I could hear the sermon on its way. She always thought she knew what she was talking about, but she didn’t. At least not in this case. This had nothing to do with my father. Nothing to do with Miranda. But everything to do with Justin. She’d probably piss her fucking pants if she knew that. I laughed to myself, or at least I thought I had.

" Bryne Nichole James..this shit isn’t funny!" Damn she knew too much information, and there she was like a fucking blabber mouth- yelling out my middle name. Why in the hell was she so mad anyway..and why is JC here?

" Simmer down...it’s not that serious Lindy." I eyed JC suspiciously, not at all liking the fact that he was standing in Miranda and I’s bedroom.

" Maybe I should go..." JC began, noticing the glare I was giving him. I suddenly felt bad, I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s not every day you wake up to find him, and your best friend that you’ve been avoiding because you think your falling for her man even though you’re a lesbian- when you wake up.

" I’m sorry, I’m just a little rattled. Why exactly are you both here?" I sounded a little nicer, even smiled. He still seemed hesitant and looked to Belinda before turning back to me.

" Well, we were suppose to meet and..."

" You passed out! You had like seven martinis and passed out!." I knew Belinda hated when I drank, mostly because I don’t and she always figures that when I do it’s because something is wrong. That something usually is my father, but this one time it wasn’t. Only I couldn’t explain that to her. What was wrong wasn’t something that she’d be willing to understand, like she does when I talk to her about my father. Yeah his fucking birthday just passed, but it’s been like two years since I cried over that. I’m passed that. I have new issues..or at least more to add to the list. Issues that I wasn’t too ready to talk to ANYONE about. I looked to JC and he looked so understanding, like it hadn’t been very unprofessional of me at all to have passed out during our scheduled meeting. " Goodness Bry..I’m going to call Miranda." she stormed out and I was left there with JC. He didn’t look as uncomfortable as I felt, in fact he looked a little concerned. I lowered my eyes and began to play with my shirt. It was the oversized University of Kentucky shirt my Dad used to where around the house. Funny, that I should have this on.

" I’m sorry about this.."

" Hey..don’t it’s cool. We’ve all had our moments." he smiled, and it was comforting. I smiled back, before lowering my eyes to the floor.

" Yeah...thanks. I guess we can reschedule." I smirked, because this isn’t exactly how I go about rescheduling clients- in the middle of my bedroom, hungover, and very much disheveled.

" Anytime." he smiled and I felt a little better.

" I guess Lindy was already knocking at my door when you brought me here." I just imagined she was, since she’s prone to do things like that, and I had been avoiding her all week.

" Actually, Justin called her." My heart sunk, my stomach flopped, and my eyes couldn’t hide their shock. What did he mean Justin called?

" Wh..why would Justin call?

" I used your phone to dial the last number you called, to get an idea of where you stayed and it dialed him." I could have thrown up, right then and there, and the sentiment would of had nothing to do with the liquor. " I told him what was going on and he told me to get you in a cab and he’d call back shortly to tell me where to meet Belinda." I was embarrassed that he knew, shock that he had done that.

" Wow."

" Yeah..he seemed real upset." JC stated matter-of-factly, then he pulled out my phone from his pocket. " Oh yeah..he’s been calling. He wanted me to call him when you woke up." My mouth was open, just hanging there, like a fucking monkey.

" You and Justin...you guys cool?" the question seemed honest enough, but it was the way that JC looked at me that had me thinking that maybe, just maybe he knew something. I was going crazy, I had to be. I was probably making JC out to seem like he was onto Justin and I simply because I was guilty. I was the worst.

" Yeah..we uh..settled our differences." I cleared my throat and was thankful for the sudden intrusion of Belinda stalking back into the room. I held my breath, hoping JC wouldn’t continue the conversation and quickly took the glass of water Belinda was handing me. Gulping down the fluids, I thought about how fucked up this entire situation was. I was playing with fire, and the damn thing was going to burn more than a couple of fucking bridges.

Chapter 11 b

I loved jazz music. I was sitting in our booth, watching the house band play, the chords of the music weaving in and out of me- soothing and relaxing all those kinks within me that came with the week. I loved Fridays. It was when I could finally reach my oasis, and all that transpired during the week could be easily forgotten. I could forget anything, staring up at Ronnie and the boys from my private corner, nursing my usual drink, closing my eyes and taking in those lonely chords and releasing my demons with them. Music did that for me, allowed me to take it in and release so much more. It was the one thing Miranda didn’t have to teach me about jazz, I found it out on my own. It was one thing I could bring to the table, my own passion for music and I loved, absolutely loved what it did for me. I lifted my glass to Ronnie, the bass player, who always winked towards me at the end of each session, and finished off the rest of its contents. The liquid poured down my throat, and I could feel the weariness of the day wash down with it. I was finally relaxing, and it felt good as hell.

" I’m beginning to think you have a problem." I closed my eyes, but it didn’t stop the voice from penetrating me, reaching down into the depths of me to tug at that unwanted, unwarranted desire that I tried so hard to conceal. He wasn’t suppose to be here, he wasn’t even suppose to be in New York. When I opened my eyes, I didn’t acknowledge him. He must have been standing behind me, which didn’t stop him from robbing my senses. His cologne filled me, his warmth surrounded me, and he hadn’t even touched me. I hated what he could do to me. It didn’t seem to matter that I had yet to formally respond to him, as he moved to take the seat across from me. Miranda’s seat. She wasn’t there tonight, in fact she had been gone all week- and I still wasn’t sure when she was suppose to be coming back. I had decided to come down to the club anyway, I needed to get out of the house- to escape my thoughts, but they seem to find me wherever I go. They always manifest and weaken my resolve, consuming me in the form of Justin. My eyes should have stayed glued somewhere else, but they couldn’t help themselves from looking across the table. I hated the way it felt like my eyes missed him, the moment they met with him it was like my heart sighed. He was staring at me, in that deep and intensified way of his that had me crossing my legs and squeezing together my thighs. Then the drumming in my stomach began and I could feel that cleverly hidden desire working its way up, daring me to try and stop it.

" Damn Bee.. I think I missed looking at you." the smile that played off his lips seemed so natural, like he hadn’t thought to try and conceal it. It made my heart jump, my fucking toes curl, had my tongue slipping out of my mouth to come across my lips. I hated him for the way he had my control slipping away from me.

" Justin what are you doing here?"

" I thought I might run into you." I wanted to believe that he was trying to be run his playboy game on me, but something about the way he was looking at me had me thinking he was serious. I finally tore my eyes from his and concentrated on the house band, hoping- wishing I could lose myself in the music before I completely lost myself in him. For a moment, there was silence, as the music played around us. I knew he was watching me, he was making no move to conceal it, and it unnerved me to the core.

"I thought you were in L.A."

" I was. Now I’m back. Did you miss me?"

" Don’t kid yourself." I wouldn’t exactly say miss, but I wouldn’t have predicted that he could have my insides jumping the way he has them, so it’s safe to say that I could be wrong. But I didn’t want to be wrong, I wanted to be right, because right would keep my simple life simple. If I was wrong, that would mean...I’m not even ready to delve into that.

" I see your back to your old ways." He mentioned towards me empty glass and I was too flustered with desire to even respond appropriately. I smirked to myself and signaled to Ray to bring me another drink. One was very much needed.

" You don’t know me."

" So give me a chance too." He looked so innocent, like he wasn’t the same man that Belinda always came crying to me about. I closed my eyes and tried to make myself see him in the light, that light that made me hate who he was, hate what he did- but when I opened my eyes he wasn’t the same. We just stared at each other, our eyes breaking only when I turned to thank Ray for the drink. By the time I turned back to reach for the glass, Justin had already swapped it and gulped it down.

" Would you like another one?"

" I’d like for you to stop." he spoke as if he knew me, like he had some kind of clue what he was talking about. The fact remains, though, that he doesn’t know me which made his suggestion even less valid. I didn’t have a problem, I had a recreational activity that sometimes got out of hand- but not enough to be overly concerned about.

"I’d like for you to leave."

" Come with me." I just smirked, he couldn’t be serious. And even if he was, what made him think that I was even willing to share this table with him any longer. The fact that I’m still sitting here has nothing to do with me wanting to be in his presence, it’s just that I was here first. This was my booth, the booth I shared with my girlfriend, the booth he came and sat inside of when I was already sitting here first. " I’m serious."

" I bet you are." He took his wallet out and dropped a big face bill, then stood to his feet. " I am." I looked at him and thought about how much of a bad thing it would be to follow him out that door. It would be the end of any innocent gestures and everything that followed be very much a result of own intent. That’s what scared me, there was no telling how far I would go with him and that fact that I already know I would go somewhere with him was indication enough that he had some type of power over me. He had to know, because not even a second later, he was at my side, lifting me to a standing position, and then his mouth was pressed to my ear.

" Trust me Bee..you’ll like what we’re about to do." I could just imagine what all that would entail, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t want to go and find out. Before pulling a way he placed a soft kiss on my ear, his hands dropped to my waist and as he moved his kiss to my neck I could feel his fingers running against the exposed skin of my hip bone. I opened my eyes and looked around the club, hoping noone saw what was clearly transpiring between us. Everyone’s eyes were glued to the stage and noone seemed to even notice the way I was quivering uder his touch but him. " I missed you Bee.." and his hand slipped down the cloth of my black skirt and moved against the flesh of my thigh. I gasped when I felt his fingers at the side of my walls, tugging on the think material of my silk panties. I didn’t even care to look around before I brought my mouth to his and kissed him for the first time since that afternoon in my office. He tasted so good, his lips were just as soft and gentle against my own.

" Don’t.." I tried to plead, but I moaned instead and his fingers slipped into my panties and found there way to my center. He pushed inside of me and it felt like my juices came rushing forward, like his fingers commanded me to come forth.

" Are you going to come?" he kissed my mouth, then my neck, and I leaned against him for support as his fingers worked their way inside of me..then out, then once again..back inside. I couldn’t believe this was happening, not here, not now..but it was. And I could do nothing to stop it. " Are you?"

" Yes..yes." I panted and almost cried when he moved his fingers out of me, placing my skirt back down. His eyes smiled down at me, and his free hand brought me closer to him as he leaned down and kissed me. Then he moved away, staring at me as I tried to regain my control. My insides missed his fingers, my mouth missed his lips, and it was without question that I was undone. I watched as he tasted me on his finger and nearly died at the sight of it. He bit the bottom of his lip, yielding a half smile as he grabbed my hand to follow him out the club. I didn’t think I’d be able to walk, much less make it across the club and out the door with him. Just when I thought I was going to make it, he leaned down and whispered;

" You taste good Bee."

Chapter 12

" No..no, I don’t have a man." she sounded a little unsure about her words, but it didn’t stop my heart from leaping when I heard them. I smiled, beside myself, and instantly reached for my corona anxious to find something else for my mouth to do than the cheesy ass smile it was currently portraying. This night was going down in the fucking books as the night I turned in my fucking pimp card. I was acting like such a fucking dork. Like a virgin cornball who never even smelled the juices before, and I Justin Timberlake am a far, far cry away from that.

" Good, cuz I was still planning on taking him for all he got." I was a cocky ass bastard, by nature, but even I felt a little unsure about that last statement. She’s got me so twisted that I no longer know if I’m coming or going, and I long since realized that everything that used to hold true with all those other girls wasn’t going to ever fly with her. With Bryne, it was like a fucking brand new experience. Every day, shit...every fucking moment was a fucking wonder with this woman.

" Don’t kid yourself."

" You say that a lot."

" Only when it’s necessary." she gave me a boastful eye before leaning over to gather her sandwich in her mouth. She looked dam adorable, struggling to take a bite. I finished off my corona, watching her as she made a mess of herself and the corned beef sandwich that still dripped like it was just pulled off the grill. Shit, I love me some corned beef sandwiches but I think these greasy suckers finally met their match. Fuck..what am I saying??

" What?" she laughed, construing my puzzled look as a response to her last comment. I shook off my thoughts and concentrated on her, drawing up the ending of that last conversation in my mind.

" You know Bee, you play the part well." I smiled and watched as she dived in for another bite, her mouth covered in the special brown sauce that only Al Patti knew the secret to. I love that fucking sauce, and I wanted nothing more than to cross over to her and use my mouth to taste not only my favorite sauce, but also that beautiful mouth of hers. She just looked at me, taking her tongue across her mouth, making the act of cleaning her mouth a fucking notion of foreplay. I cleared my throat, shifting uncomfortably in my seat, wishing I could do more to sedate that feeling that’s beginning to once again build up inside of me. Damn she made me hot, and it always felt like I was about to blow my fucking whistle around her. It’s been a long time since I came across any woman who had that much power over me, I don’t even believe such a woman had ever existed before. There’s no one that comes to mind.

" Meaning?"

" You always say one thing..but your body tells me different" I wanted to be sharing that seat with her, just so I could show her exactly what I meant. I could just imagine my finger slipping back inside of her, swimming in the juices of her pleasure, moving back and forth within her, inside and out of her..

" Why are you looking at me like that?!" she was back to eating, or at least trying to since it looked like my words had choked her up, once again, a moment before. I hadn’t realized I was just staring, because I was only thinking about the way she’d feel with me tucked deep inside of her, how her moans would sound to my ear, how her skin would taste in my mouth.

" Why are you staring at me?."

" I’m not."

" Then how did you know I was staring if you weren’t looking equally as long?" she looked at me for a moment, then belted out laughing, her hair falling in front of her eyes, her hand moving to cover her mouth. She looked absolutely stunning, in an adorable, unforgettable kind of way. I thought my thoughts had me wanting more for this moment, but sitting here.... watching her try and master my favorite sandwich... in my favorite secret place that I would only take my mother... hearing her laugh, I figured that this, this right here with her was all that I needed.

Chapter 12b

“Can I come in?” I sighed heavily and positioned myself between the door and its frame. I let my eyes fall over her, and instantly regretted the decision when I felt the familiar heat begin to rise. I hadn’t seen her in about a week, and the way my eyes moved over her allowed me to know they weren’t very appreciative of the fact. I swallowed down hard, and tried to retain my control. I shouldn’t have opened the door.

“ Scoopers… it’s late…” It was a half-hearted attempt; the fucking snake in me was luring me away from what I was trying to do. I wanted to make her go away, make the feeling that was slowly crawling its way back into my groin disappear like it was never known there. But it wouldn’t leave, and neither would she, and as much as I wanted to make them go- I was slowly willing them to stay. I licked my lips and squeezed on the door handle. I was contemplating just slamming this door and never looking back. It would mean losing Belinda, the one constant in my life for eight years, but it would bring me one step closer to Bryne.

“ Isn’t it always.” She purred, and moved into me, her hands smoothing down my bare chest. I welcomed the feeling, but cursed it all the same. This fucking shit was intoxicating, and it was dampening my control. She knew it too, as she placed her kisses down my neck, across my chest and moved her hands into the space of my shorts. I grabbed for her hand, trying to get her before she got me, but her hand wrapped around the length of me so fast, and started working it’s way up and down my shaft that I almost forgot what I felt like when her hand wasn’t on me.

“ Scoop..” I grunted and let her push me back inside the room. Her lips claimed mine instantly and had me forgetting what it was I was trying to keep away from. Her breath was hot against my skin, and it meshed well with her aggressive kisses. I hated that I was giving into them, hated that I was giving into her, and the resistance that I had just a moment ago had up and left me and was probably laughing at me far off in the distance. It probably matched the voices in my head that taunt me, challenged me to think that I could ever have Bryne. She was this woman’s best friend, this woman who just took me into her mouth and is now massaging the fuck out of my dick with her tongue. Belinda knows what I like, that’s why she’s giving it to me, and the shits too good to turn away from. That’s what my mind keeps telling me, that’s why my body keeps responding, and that’s why when I think about all that I want- I realize that I can’t have it.

“ I’ve missed you Jay.” I look down and watch as her tongue flicks across the head of me, her eyes watching me in that bold manner that always had me wondering how the fuck she does it. It was the same look she gave me that night she came into my room, the same look she gives me everytime I’m with her and she’s got me at the edge of my fucking insanity, that same look that reminds me of who I’ve been these last eight years. I settle into my couch and watch as she stands to undress herself. My eyes don’t hesitate to watch her and they do until she stands completely naked, willing, and ready.

“You miss me Jay?” she always asks me this, and it’s never that I miss her, it’s just that I want her. What kills me is that it’s not even what I want, it never has been, its that I know I can have it. I can have her. Whenever I want, However I want, and the shits never uncertain. That’s what I want. The certainty. The knowing that no matter what I can have it. Belinda gives me that. Cameron gives me that. I can’t get that from Bryne. I don’t really want it the way I have it now with her, but I want her to be certain about me. The shits crazy really because I can tell it in her kiss, in the way that she looks at me, in the way that she responds to me, that with every movement forward she’s taking at least three steps back. She’s not certain she wants me.

“ Come here Scoop.” I lick my lips and watch as she walks towards me, I already know she’s ready for me, and my dick already knows how its going to feel when she slides down on it. This is the shit I know. I don’t know about Bryne, and the more I want to know, the more I realize I don’t. But Belinda, I know her.

“ Fuuuuuccccccckk!”she hisses as she slides on top of me and her hips settle on me. I give her a moment to adjust to me, since I can feel that she’s spreading with every inch of me, but the need to release has me taking control instantly. She’s wet as fuck, and her body tenses as I guide her movements, feeling the slickness of her juices easing my way inside of her. I let the rhythm fall to a slow grind, but my mind can’t take the absence of activity, and its got me thinking about Bryne, and that’s some shit I don’t want on my mind right now.

“ I know you miss me Jay.” I don’t, I don’t even want this. I want to be filling Bryne’s insides, I want to be hearing Bryne’s moans of pleasure. I want that feeling of completeness, and fulfillment, the feeling I never had with Belinda, the feeling I always have whenever I’m even around Bryne. This shit is crazy. I know I’ll never have her, and I fucked up enough in the past that I might as well fuck the shit out of Belinda. At least she’ll be back, I know she will. I can’t even tell you if Bryne will talk to my ass tomorrow. Fuck this.

“ Yea.. Scoop..I fucking missed this!” I pound harder and harder into her, she screams louder and louder and I’m lost in my own thoughts. I miss her moans, I miss her orgasm, and I miss the feeling of contentment when I finally release. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it’s what I could always have

Chapter 13

Today is a disaster. It’s ten o clock in the morning and I’m already claiming this day as the day that will go down in infamy. The sidewalks are packed, the air is musky, there are a thousand and one cabs lined up back to back- from corner to corner- and I’ve spilled more of my café Americano on my dress than I’ve been able to pour down my throat. This day is shit- and it wasn’t until right now, as I passed over one of the many sewage holes lining the pavement, that I broke the heel to my favorite Michael Kors pump. This day is now seriously fucked.

“ Are you kidding me?!” I limped over to the nearest alley entry, and leaned against the brick wall of a sidewalk store. I thought about dipping inside and purchasing a pair of those infamous Chinese slippers that are being sold at pretty much every five and dime on every corner. I hated those damn things, and I hated the damn pop off jewels that were haphazardly glued to the front of most of them. I was better off buying house shoes than walking around looking like I kicked rocks all day and decided to wear the rubble on my big toe. I sighed heavily and inspected the damage, doing my best to ignore the petty cat calls I was receiving from the city’s slums that passed me. Today was such a fucked day. I rolled my eyes and thought about my next move. I was blocks away from my office, already late for my appointment with Andre- the caterer from hell- and only about two weeks away from the biggest event I had all summer. The listening party was vastly approaching, and if I was bold enough to admit to myself that something more had me on edge- I might actually stumble upon the root of my problems. But I digress…

“ Bryne?”  It was one of those freaky New York chance happenings that had me now peering up at Andy, New York’s biggest ball of fashion, from my kneeling position. I hadn’t seen him in at least a month, pretty much ever since Justin and I began our professional relationship. I certainly haven’t seen him in the more recent weeks, since Justin had done a pretty damn good job of making himself available. At least he had been, for the past week I hadn’t heard from him. You’d think I’d be doing jumping jacks right about now, but I’m not. I’m actually disappointed, though I’d never share that with another soul. It’s just that I had grown accustomed to him being around, and then to his kisses…and shit, stop right there. I’m just curious as to where he has been. So of course on the worst of my days, when the thought alone of Justin has got me stomping around the city of New York hard enough to break my favorite shoe, I would run into Andy and fate would find a way for me to get my answers.

“ Andy…wh..where have you been?” What else could I say? Why have you stopped stalking me? I stood up and smoothed out my linen dress, trying to appear less frazzled than I actually was.

“ Ohmigosh Bryne James…I thought it’d be forever until I seen you again.” I smiled in response to his theatrics and took note of his ever protruding stomach, it looked heavier today. It could be the shirt, or the fact that he no longer has to chase me up and down New York blocks. I’m going to go with the shirt.

“ I know, well how have you been… are you still working for…” I cut myself off, clearly too late for him to overlook the fact that I was bringing up Justin- which made me think why on earth I decided to cut myself off at the very end of the sentence. Was I trying to appear all the more interested? I looked down and allowed the moment of silence to pass between us, as I’m sure Andy was concocting his own ideas on why I all of a sudden was so apt to bring up Justin.

“ Of course I do, I’m headed back to office now. It’s just around the corner.” He gave me a peculiar eye then looked down out my shoeless foot. “Having shoe problems?”

“ Never can be too careless walking a New York block.” I humored, and decided that I had been right about this day all along. Of course I would be a block or so away from Justin’s office, where I’m sure he is, where I’m sure I’ll be heading- unless I want to walk the streets of New York as a footless monster or better yet a Chinese slipper wearing freak. I’d really rather go kick rocks, and yet that didn’t appear to be an option.

“ Well Mr. Timberlake’s offices are just around the corner…” So I’ve been having a shitty day, but it wasn’t just because I was running around New York like a chicken with their head cut off. I fucking miss him.  There I said it. It’s been a seven days, nine hours and nearly thirty-seven minutes since I was last with him. It’s sad. I’ve counted. But I’ve been trying not to. I’ve been trying to do everything in my right mind, to focus on something else but he seems to always break through any rational thought and rob me of my sanity. I’ve hated him for so long, but now it’s not for the same reasons. I hated him before because he was a disaster to my reputation, my best friend’s obsession, and an adamant pest. Now…now, I hate him because I can’t stop thinking about him. Because he makes me feel things I’ve never felt before, and because I can’t deny the attraction that I know I have for him. I hate him because everything about us is wrong, and it would not only break my friendship to be with him, it would go against all that I pledged to be for these past three years. But I hated him the most, because even after knowing all that, I still want him.

“ I’m just going to hail a cab..”

“And sit in traffic for eight hours. Really, it’s just around the corner..” I had no good reason to refuse, at least not one that I was willing to state out loud. I sighed inwardly, and  placed my foot back inside the heelless shoe to begin my walk of shame.

~~~

His office was ten times the size of mine, and I counted at least three receptionists from the door to the small square door that Andy indicated led to his closet size office. As soon as we walked through the door, there were a handful of messages waiting given to Andy by the first receptionist, and the second led me back to his office, while the third eyed me curiously.

“ Are you here to apply for a position?” Like hell, I thought, clearing my throat and shaking my head no. I owned my own company, to even insinuate that I’d work under Justin Timberlake was an insult, but couldn’t even compare to the injury of knowing I’d just as gladly be under him. Oh gosh, I’m pathetic.

“ No...just a friend. Is…” I was about to ask if Justin was in, when I heard that familiar laughter. It stole my attention the moment it cut through the air and I turned to see a flash of red hair turning the corner to proceed down another hall. The pit of my stomach turned and I looked to the receptionist for answers. I tried to overshadow my interest, by portraying to be nonchalant, but I doubt it came across that way.

“Who was that red head woman?”

“ Oh..that must have been Willow.” The receptionist sighed and rolled her eyes before moving to go back to her desk. So her name is Willow, but I knew that already. He had told me her name that day in my office. I tried to remember what all he said, but my thoughts were clouded with the strong memory of the way his hands felt on me, and his lips, and his…There he was. He was walking around the corner, his hand on the small of her back as he leaned in to whisper whatever it was that had the woman named Willow smiling like a damn fool. I felt the wave of jealousy carouse through me as I watched them proceed. Then his eyes fell on me. I couldn’t tell what expression fell across my face, but judging from his  I could tell he knew exactly what I was thinking. It didn’t take long for Willow to catch on that Justin was no longer taking part of their cheery banter as her eyes went from him to settle on me. I cleared my throat, wanting that thick residue of envy to push back down but could feel that I had no such luck. For that moment, I wished I had decided to go and purchase those damn slippers, so I didn’t have to be here, apart of this moment.

“ Bee..what are you doing here?” He looked guilty, in fact it was the first time since I’ve known him that he ever had...that look on his face. My heart fell, and it suddenly dawned on me that he could have very well been lying to me about her this whole time. Surely he hadn’t expected to ever come across me here, unless I was invited, and since he didn’t invite me – he had free reign to flaunt his women. This was my mistake, I shouldn’t have been here. I forgot that my shoe was broken, and just moved to storm out. My plan was cut short though when I stumbled and fell over the trashcan seated beside the small desk I was passing. I wanted to just fall out on the floor, and lay there to regain my pride , but he was already by my side breaking my fall. I ignored the electricity that followed his touch and burned m skin, and tried to pretend that m heart didn’t putter when I inhaled his scent. He was as much intoxicating as he was nauseating to me. I hated the way he got to me.

“ Thank you.” I pushed away from him and cursed my damn foot, which was beginning to throb as a result of my stubbed toe. I winced as I lifted my leg to retrieve the ‘bad’ shoe and sighed as it slid off my foot.

“ Bee you alright?”

“ I’m fine Justin, thank you.” I could have been a little nicer, but I didn’t feel all that obliged to be so. I looked over at Willow and expected to find a victorious smirk, you know the one that follows when the other woman obviously feels she won- only I found her biting her lip and cocking her head to the side, and it appeared that she was….sniffing.

I looked back at Justin, but he hadn’t even noticed, his eyes were still on me. I didn’t like the way my knees buckled under his gaze, but I was even more disturbed by Willow. I doubted it before, but it really does appear to be that she is sniffing.

“If you’ll excuse me…” I tried to move, but Justin took my hand and stopped me from going. I hadn’t felt his touch in a week, but it felt like it was only yesterday. I remembered it clear as day. His hands moving up my thighs, underneath my skirt..shit, what am I doing..focus.

“ Can I talk to you?” He was close, too close for comfort, and his breath sent goosebumps up my arm. I reveled in his presence for a moment, before I jerked my arm away and eyed Willow once more. Now she was smiling, that Mona Lisa smile, the one where it’s like she’s on to something, but you can’t figure out what it is.

“ You should really get back to Willow.” I hissed back, hating the way my eyes went distinctively to his lips. He licked them. I damn near died. I hate this man.

“ Butthead…give me a minute.” I crinkled my nose at the term of endearment and allowed Justin to pull me in the direction of what appeared to be a conference room. When we were safely inside, he settled me against the table and moved to close the door. He looked at me, then opened it again.

“ Yo Butthead…come ‘ere!” Not even a second later, Willow bounced into the frame of the door. Her eyes went to me, they smiled, then met with Justin’s. He didn’t even say a word, and she bursted out laughing, something I definitely wasn’t expecting.

“ If you think I’d sleep with this pimpled ass joke…you’ve GOT to be on something! I wouldn’t touch his dick with a ten foot po…..” I didn’t realize I was laughing until I caught the way Justin’s eyes flashed towards me. He looked completely embarrassed, but relieved all the same.

“That’s enough.” He smirked, pushing her out the door and closing it behind her. I settled in my laughter and watched as he blushed from across the room. “ Her mouth is vicious. And my ass doesn’t have pimples!”

“ I would hope not.” I chuckled and watched as he crossed over to me. The look in his eyes told me he missed me, looked over me like they wished to take what they could from this moment as long as I was here. My heart jumped, and I sighed softly when he took my face in his hands and kissed me gently. His lips danced over mine like a soft petal, and his tongue added a warmth to my mouth that only came when he was inside it. I melted against him, and just like that, I was yielded in his arms. I missed his mouth, I missed his arms, I missed him. It had only been a week, but it felt like forever.

“ I’m sorry Bee.” He spoke in between kisses, and it was like he was apologizing for murder. He sounded so sincere, his kisses felt so soft, it was a wonder I even found the mind to reflect on what he was saying. But I could hear his plea through his words of apology and I wondered how he’d feel if he really did something wrong, something bigger than going a week without coming around. I didn’t even offer a response, just marveled in his kisses, wanting to feel him closer…needing to feel him inside of me. I pulled away from him, my thoughts scaring me but thrilling me all the same. I never felt such a need, nothing like this ever came over me. I was up against his conference room table, and I didn’t give a second thought to the fact that I would give myself to him hear and now. I wanted him that much. I wrapped my arms around his neck and I leaned up to kiss him, I felt my shoe drop from my grasp and allowed him to left me up and wrap my legs around his waist.

“ What are you doing here?” he was searching my eyes, and I didn’t even try to hide my desire, or all the things that I knew shown threw them. He just looked at me, his hands holding tight onto me, his lips placing soft kisses against my mouth. This feeling was surreal, had me wanting this moment to last forever, it was even feeding my desire and his fingers nor his manhood was nowhere close to pushing inside of me. He made my juices run wild by just looking at me, had my heart going crazy by just touching me, had my resistance fleeing me with one word from his mouth.

“ I broke my shoe.”

“ I missed you Bryne… I…” he just stopped and kissed me, his mouth succeeding in finishing off his words. It didn’t even matter that I hadn’t seen him in a week. All that mattered was that I was in his arms, taking in his scent, melting with each kiss, falling…

Chapter 13b

“Your different.” I didn’t know whether I should take her words as a compliment or a blatant insult. This girl was definitely clear cut, but I was coming to find that you had to know in which direction when it came to understanding her. Willow was a not at all like I expected, and far from anything I could have possibly fathomed in my mind. She didn’t fit into any one thing, and I didn’t know if I should appreciate the fact as much as I do or be wary of it. Either way, I liked her, and from all the special attention she seemed to be bestowing upon me, I think she returned the sentiment.

“I try.” Willow just shrugged and looked out the window to where Justin was emerging from the Michael Kors shoppe. He insisted that we come and grab an exact replica of the shoe I had broken, and I hadn’t even told the man they were my favorite. Thus, I gave only a half hearted attempt and found myself sitting in the backseat of his sedan under the extreme scrutiny of his best friend, the red head woman I didn’t know whether to hate or envy, Willow. I smiled when Justin entered the car, handing me the bag as he settled into his seat across from Willow and I.

“ Really Justin you shouldn’t have..” I smiled despite myself as I pulled out the familiar box that held my shoes and saw that there was another box inside the bag. “ Are these..?”

“ Just in case you have another freak accident.” He laughed and the blush that came across my face happened so sudden it caught me off guard. My mouth dropped open and I just stared at the unopened box, afraid to even touch it. There was no doubt an expensive pair of shoes dwelled inside, since it had taken me well over a month to save to by the shoes I had ruined. And it was one hell of a month, might I add, which consisted of me putting on five events and three fashion shows. I had worked myself to death, just to be able to parade around in the fanciest pair of shoes I owned. Now I have two pair.

“ I’m impressed.” Willow cooed and I smiled towards her. She was very welcoming and even more relaxed than me, since she easily reached onto my lap to pull the box out of the bag. “You were taking to long…” she explained, flipping open the box and looking down in shock. “ OH....MI…GAH!” she brought her hands to her face and just stared in amazement. I shifted my eyes from her to the box and nearly fell onto the seat of the sedan. There was no way he bought me the Court Half d’Orsay pump!

“ Justin..” I could only say his name as I reached out to touch them. It felt like gold in my hand, and although the purchase was probably chump change to him, it was the cream of the fucking crop for me. I looked at him and he looked even happier than I did. My heart melted and my face flushed with embarrassment, but the joy that I felt inside was indescribable. It didn’t even dawn on me that it wasn’t right, and for as long as I’ve known Belinda she never said anything about him spending even a penny on her. I swallowed my joy, and moved the bag off of my lap. The memory of my friend and her gotdamn obsession with the man I could clearly see I was falling for had stricken me with guilt. Then I thought about Miranda. She was noticing a change in me. She had said that I barely even look at her anymore, let alone touch her. Like I didn’t love her. I told her she was being ridiculous, and that these past few weeks have just been really hard for me at work, but she reminded me that I never brought my work home to the bedroom before. Looking over at Justin, I thought about how what was suppose to only be business had clearly turned into something more. I knew it was wrong, but that fact didn’t seem to matter to me when I was with him. Nothing ever seemed to matter.

“I say you two crazy kids ditch me and go work out all this sexual tension! It’s making me miss my man…and he’s only at the hotel!” Willow intruded upon the silence and winked at me when I turned to look at her. Justin choked on his words as I tried to gather a logical answer that would dissuade her assumptions. Nothing came to mind. She began knocking on the window that separated us from the driver and gave illicit directions for him to drop her off at the next corner. I turned to Justin, hoping he would offer protest where I could offer none, and I was met with the same restricted gaze. He just licked his lips and stared at me, the drumming of the motor coming to a stop and the soft squel of the breaks filling the silence.

“ Willow…you don’t have to go.” I didn’t even sound convincing, but I tried for the benefit of what was right. I didn’t need to be alone with Justin, he didn’t need to be alone with me.

“ Save it for later…we’ll have some drinks and laugh about it.” She quipped before smiling over at Justin and climbing out the car.

~~~

I walked into the silence, hoping I would find my way through the darkness without awakening Miranda. It was 3:15 a.m. and I was just walking through the door. I knew she was no longer at the Red Door because I saw that she called me shortly after 2 a.m. I was in the middle of the dance floor with Willow laughing about nothing at all, spilling our drinks on each other, and completely forgetting that I had a girlfriend that would be returning to an empty bed later on in the night. I didn’t think about Miranda, I just thought about how good it felt to be in his company, laughing, kissing, and dancing the night away. I had spent the whole day with him, ever since that moment Willow left us in the car until the moment I stepped out of his sedan to enter through the doors of my apartment building. It wasn’t easily decided, but we did little to work out or sexual tension and instead spent the rest of the day talking about nothing, laughing about everything, and eating more than are stomachs could bear. He told me about his mother, his two younger brothers and how he had spent the better part of his growing pains under the limelight. We even talked about Belinda, he told me how they met, how they were just friends, even how their whole relationship came to be. I can say after having heard all that, I understand a little more why there relationship is that way it is, it doesn’t make me feel any better about us, but it gave me grave insight. I started to tell him about my life. Things that only I really knew about, things not even Miranda knows. I told him about my childhood, I told him about my uncle…I told him why my father ruled his house with an iron thumb. I never talk about Uncle Benji, and I couldn’t believe I was actually talking to Justin about him. Uncle Benji wasn’t a person I often think about, but I found myself thinking about him when I was sitting in his arms, leaning against him, looking out at New York on the top of his office building. We had decided to go up there and enjoy the day, since it would hardly be tranquil amongst a city of people who were undoubtedly his fans and would spend more than enough energy trying to figure out whom the ‘new’ woman he was parading around with was. The roof was decked out with huge cushioned lounge chairs and shade umbrellas, and we had sat ourselves under one of them. It was in his arms, in between his soft gentle kisses, in between our hushed conversations about things we didn’t normally talk about, that Uncle Benji came to mind. He noticed the moment I felt the discomfort that arose, and his arms came full circle around me. It didn’t even take a moment for me to relax against him, and without thinking I began to tell him my story. I said the name of a man my father had banned our family from ever saying for the first time this afternoon. I explained how Uncle Benji was my mother’s youngest brother, and how he was considered the black sheep of the family. He was only around 20 when I met him, but then again I was only nine. He was visiting us for the first time, and living in the room beside mine. I remember I used to always laugh at his jokes, he was such an entertainer. He was becoming my favorite uncle, and I didn’t know much about his drug abuse problem to care. I didn’t even know what getting high was at the time, all I ever knew was that my Uncle Benji was really funny. Then one night, he came into my room. He asked me if I wanted to hear a bedtime story, I didn’t understand why he would ask me that since I was already asleep. I let him tell me one anyway, and when I started to laugh he told me to be quiet, that I shouldn’t wake my parents up. I agreed, since my Dad always complained about not getting enough sleep, and I stayed quiet. Then he stopped telling me a story and started kissing me, I felt that it was wrong, but I thought about how Uncle Benji was family and how he’d never do anything wrong to me. Then his hands went into my underwear, and I started to cry, because at first it scared me, but then it began to hurt me. While I was telling Justin all of this, I didn’t realize tears were falling, but could feel his hold tightening around me. I told him how Uncle Benji replaced his finger with a toy of his, I had never seen it before, but it looked exactly like his penis- which he sat rubbing while he forced the toy inside of me. That’s when I began to scream, he hadn’t even gotten all that close with the toy, but I was too scared to let him. My father and mother came into the room, and my father had beat Uncle Benji so bad that I didn’t think he was going to live. In fact, I don’t know if he lived. I never saw him again, and his name was never allowed in our house. I told Justin all this and when I was finished, he just held me. Held me until the tears stopped falling, and the shaking subsided. He held me like he did that day in my office, and for a long time we just sat that way. I think I fell even harder for him, in that moment, in that peace we shared when I opened myself to him and he welcomed me into him. I know it wasn’t what Willow planned for us to do, but I couldn’t help but think how it was so much better.

“ Mamas?” her voice haunted me, it sounded so sad. I could tell from it’s tone that concern and disappointment were edged deep within her. She must have been waiting for at least an hour, and hear it was 3:20 a.m. and I was just getting in. I hadn’t even passed the kitchen, which meant she wasn’t even in the bedroom. I looked over to her, as she clicked on the lamp, and she was seated on the couch. She had at least changed into her night robe, and her eyes looked weary from the day. I knew she was tired, and probably hadn’t planned on coming home to wait up all night for her girlfriend to come home. My heart broke, because I hadn’t even thought of this moment as I giggled and laughed with Willow about Justin. Or even when Justin and I danced so close that it felt he might as well have been deep inside of me. I didn’t even picture this moment, when I spent the last fifteen minutes saying goodbye to Justin, using my hands, and mouth. No, I didn’t picture this.

“ What are you doing up Mimi?” I tried to sound casual, like this was an ordinary occurrence. But we both knew the difference. We could both hear that underlying guily beneath my words.

“Who is it Mamas? Tell me.” She didn’t even look upset, just sad. Like she’d been crying all this time, stopped because I came in, but would cry even more once I told her. I swallowed my words and looked away from her. This wasn’t suppose to even be happening. I hadn’t done enough for life as I’ve known it to be falling apart. They were just kisses, earth shattering kisses, but kisses none the less. Were they enough? Were they enough to completely destroy the life I had with this woman? I just don’t know.

“Mimi…”

“Don’t lie to me. I love you Mamas..don’t lie to me. I know there is someone else.”I looked down, unable to hold eye contact any longer. I felt like such a betrayer, like I had thrown away something worth holding on to. She looked so stricken, so grieved, and I hadn’t even said anything yet. I didn’t have to, my actions were enough. The way I turned from her just last night said it all. How I could come into our home, this odd hour of the night and pretend like nothing had change. Like there was nothing at all, like there was no one at all.

“ Do you love them Mamas?” She choked out the words, and I felt my heart break. I had only kissed him. It was Justin for goodness sake. How could I love him? He was sleeping with my best friend, he had a girlfriend…but when he kissed me I felt like there was no tomorrow, when he touched me my insides quivered, when he spoke my name he filled my heart with so much joy it changed my entire disposition. I couldn’t answer that question. “ Do you love him Mamas?” she repeated, stressing her words. I felt her coming up behind me, and the tears I tried to hide came rushing forth. I couldn’t even look at her, couldn’t even answer. I felt her hand on my back, and her kiss at the nape of neck, and I shuddered. Then it dawned on me, I could no longer tell the difference. I no longer new the reason, I could no longer tell if it was her kisses, or if it was the thought of him that unsettled me.

Chapter 14

It was 4:12 a.m. There was someone knocking on my door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and as I pulled myself from the couch on which I laid, I couldn’t think of one reason why anyone would be banging on my door at this hour. I thought to grab my shirt, which was laying on the floor near the table, but that thought didn’t process until I was already at the door reaching for the knob. Whoever it was, they sounded frantic- banging their fist against my door, and I thought twice about calling Lonnie. He should have called me; better yet he should have sent whoever it was away. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with any shit tonight, my mind was going crazy, my body was aching and I needed something that I couldn’t convinced myself I deserved to have. It didn’t stop me from wishing, wanting the shit out of her, which could account for the frustrated mood I found myself in- standing in front of my door, listening to the desperate knocks. I placed my hand against the wall and pulled the door towards me, forgetting to even look through the peep whole. When my eyes focused, I figured I had to be dreaming. It was Bryne. Her beautiful brown eyes were clouded over with hesitation and I could tell she’d been crying because I could see the tears stained against her cheeks. My heart broke at the sight of her. Her hair was all over her head and even in this messy state her chocolate brown locks looked soft to the touch. She looked disheveled, distraught, but my eyes couldn’t have wished for a lovelier sight. She still had her same dress on, and the soft black fabric still clung mercilessly to her beautiful body. I had watched her all night; especially when she moved and the fabric stretched across her every curve. It drove me insane all night; it made me wonder how it would feel to watch the material slip off of her. Now she stood there, her eyes watching me, her lips quivering to hold back tears, and my heart reached for her as I pulled her into my arms. Her tears were hot against my bare skin, and they fell instantly once her head rested against my chest. I didn’t say a word as I held her close, smoothing her hair against her head, willing to be that force that could stand strong and let her cry until she felt sedated. I never held a woman before, not like this, not when there were tears and consolation to be given. It felt good, it felt right, it felt like I was giving her something that I didn’t even know I had. The feeling filled me with peace..no it was stronger than that. So strong that I was lifting her face to mine, and placing my lips on hers and taking each breath of sadness away with every synchronized movement of our lips. She  held herself against me, moved to wrap her hands around my neck, and I lifted her until she wrapped her legs around me and took us over to the couch. I don’t know what’s come over me, but the feeling I get when her body is held against mine, and my hand holds tight to her bare thigh, with the taste of her mouth within mine..it’s more than I ever felt. Something I don’t recognize. It’s a pull greater than desire, bigger than any need I ever had. This time I wasn’t scared, not while holding her in my arms, feeling her warmth against me…I wasn’t scared.

“ Justin..” she paused and rested her head in the space between my shoulder and neck, I could feel her breath hot against my skin. I waited for her to speak, my hands moving against her thigh, tracing the line of her thong. I wanted her, at this point I needed her, but I wasn’t willing to move any further than she wanted to go.

“ Yeah Bee.” I breathed, taking her into my senses as I inhaled her familiar scent and tasted her soft skin. My hands moved closer to her warmth and dipped inside, just to feel her juices surround my fingers. She moved closer to me, lifting her hips so that my fingers went deeper inside of her driving my fucking senses wild just thinking about how she tasted, how she felt… She kissed the side of my neck, bit softly on the lobe of my ear as my finger pushed further and further inside of her.

“ Make love to me Justin.” She whispered it so softly I thought I imagined it, like I made up the words in my mind. I swallowed hard and moved my fingers outside of her so that they stroked her walls, replenishing the moisture even more as I felt more of her juices flow down. I was near deciding that I had willed her to say those words when she leaned into my ear and repeated them before leveling her eyes with mine. The look in her eyes unnerved me, had me grasping at words to say. I had never been so struck by a woman, I had never been rendered speechless. She placed her hand between us and carefully massaged the outline of my pants, and the shit had me jumping beneath her. I couldn’t believe this was happening, she was invoking things inside of me I never thought I’d feel. I moved my hand from between her legs and cupped both of my hands beneath her as I brought us to a standing position, her thighs still wrapped around my waist. When we reached the bedroom, I laid her on the bed and stood over her, watching her as she watched me. Through the darkness, I could see her chest moving up and down in controlled motion and I could hear her slow breaths escaping her mouth. I could tell she was nervous, and I moved her thighs further apart as I knelt down in front of her, my mouth anxious to taste her. Her hands reached out for mine, and I moved up to kiss her. I could feel her body quivering beneath mine and I hadn’t even begun to touch her.

“ Bee baby…trust me.” I kissed her, my hands moved up her thighs, underneath her dress and to the strap of her thong. She lifted her hips as I moved them down until the dampened material lay beside me on the floor. I placed kisses along the inside of her thigh, reveling in the scent of her as my mouth moved over the source of my hunger. The moment my tongue touched her flesh, a moan fell from her lips and her body arched forward. Spreading her lips apart I tasted her goodness, flicked my tongue across her moist lips and cupped the bottom of her to bring her closer. Her flesh molded into my hand as her juices poured into my mouth. She tasted so fucking sweet, better than I imagined, like some exclusive type shit. She moaned with every lap of my tongue and my dick pushed out of my boxers throbbing, needing to feel her. When she came, I held her down as her body shook with convulsions. She screamed out my name and the feeling that followed filled me like no other. I felt like she was mine for the taking, and my body couldn’t wait to feel itself nestled deep within her, moving in and out of her. I moved up her body, and rested myself in between her thighs as I kissed her and stroked her wetness. She felt so fucking good and it was nothing but restraint that kept me from plunging inside of her that very moment. I told her I would take her inch by inch, and that’s exactly what I planned to do. I felt her hand reach between us and finally wrap around my length. She looked up at me, her eyes glowering with that feeling I felt deep inside. I moved to my side and focused on her as I moved her dress up her body and over her head. Her breathing was once again heavy, and I kissed her to calm her. She moved my hands to her breast and moved the material of her bra down, exposing her taut nipple which I immediately took into my mouth. Her flesh was so soft, her body was so amazing, and every touch felt like she was feeling it for the first time. I dipped my fingers back inside of her, to make sure she was ready for me, as I positioned my head in the front of her entrance. She placed her hands against my chest and leaned up to kiss me. Her movement caused my length to press against her, and she moaned inside my mouth.

“ Bee…” I was ready to push inside of her, I could already fell her juices coating me, but I wanted her to tell me to go forward. It was crazy, because this wasn’t me. I took what I wanted, when I wanted it, but I was willing to wait with her. With my head already pushing forward, and my need to fill her damn near weakening me, I was waiting for her. She had to be where I was at, ready for what was about to happen.

“ I need you Justin…please.” I kissed her slowly as I placed myself fully inside of her. Her moans heightened, as I took her slowly, her walls swallowing me inside, her warmth surrounding me and for a moment all I could do was just stay there. Her legs wrapped around me, her body pushed against me, and I was caught up inside of her, my emotions running wild with how sleek and tight her fit was. Shit… she had me at the brink of insanity and I hadn’t even moved within her. She was so tense, her body was fighting to relax, and I kissed her softly, as I began to stroke her gently, moving myself further inside.

“ Baby…relax…” she relaxed her thighs, gasped out in surrender as I felt her walls loosen around me and I began to move slowly inside of her. The shit was surreal. She felt so fucking wet… and warm. Her moans didn’t stop, and she screamed my name as my strokes deepened. I held onto her, my resolve weakening for her with every stroke inside of her. It never felt like this before. I never felt this attached, this connected to anyone. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and I could see the pleasure without them open. But I wanted to see her, I wanted to watch her as I filled her space, I wanted her eyes open.

“ Bryne..baby, open your eyes.” They fluttered open and I could feel my heart swell. The feeling that washed over me didn’t have the right words to explain it. I was stunned, stunned by her beauty, stunned by our connection. I fell…and I didn’t stop myself. I didn’t break my fall, like I had every other time I felt the feeling rushing forth. Her eyes stared up into mine, the pleasure coaxing over them, but not enough to hide that spark… that glower…that look, that indescribable look that matched that indescribable feeling I felt.

“ You feel it?” she opened her legs even further as I thrust inside of her, another wave of pleasure coating me, guiding me as I move in and out of her. I know she feels it… I know she can feel more than this act… I know she can feel what this is. She doesn’t answer me, but her moans get louder, and I go deeper, filling her until her walls clamp down around me and her nails begin to dig into my back. I know she’s there, I know she’s about to release, I can feel it in the way she’s holding onto me, I can hear it in her groans. I want to hear her say it, I want to hear her scream it when she reaches that point of no control…that point she’s vastly approaching. “ Tell me Bryne…”

“ I…don’t…I can’t..” she moans, fighting against herself, wrapping her legs even tighter around me. I reach for one of them.., and I move it forward, so she no longer has any clutch, she no longer has anything to hold on to. She then moves her hands to the edge of the bed, grasping for covers, her body tensing as I feel the juices mounting within her. I place her leg on my shoulder and reach for her hands, gathering them into my own and pressing them above her head.

“ Tell me Bryne.” I move even deeper inside of her, I can feel her body writhing beneath mine, succumbing to that feeling of release. I know she’s on the edge of her reason, and the way I’ve got her, there is nothing else to hold onto. I want to hear her say those words as I’m buried deep inside of her, those words that can put a name to this feeling, this feeling I got bottled up in me, this feeling that comes whenever she’s around.

“ Justin…” she moans and I thrust deeper and deeper, I’m going to take her over her peak, but before I do I want to hear her say it. I feel my own release rushing forth, and I can tell it won’t be much longer until I lose control and the feeling I’ve tried so hard to place comes fluttering out of my mouth.

“ Tell me…”

“ Oh…yes! Yes! I can’t….but I do!” she moans and her body tightens, her lips swell against me and I can feel the intensity rush from her and dispel upon me. She reaches for me, her mouth pressed against mine, and with one last thrust I spill inside of her, and I can feel her lips moving against mine, I can hear those words I needed to hear. I collapse on top of her, and bask in the moment. She’s taken me for all I got, and listening to her, murmur against me, placing those soft kisses around my mouth, I know I’ve taken just as much from her.

He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. His mouth is slightly parted, the light air of his breath fans across my forehead and I smile at the moment. Nothing about this moment makes sense; in fact nothing about this moment is right. I should be somewhere else, someone else should be laying here. I shouldn’t still be in his arms, my body shouldn’t still be aching from the love we never should have made. But I am, and my body still remembers his presence. He was much stronger than I expected…thicker than I imagined and his attendance between my thighs still lingered. I rested my head on his moving chest, and listened to him sleep as I thought about the way he moved inside of me. He did so with so much care, like he had known this was my first time. He gave just enough measure, so that I ignored the pain and reveled in the pleasure. I didn’t know I could feel like this, three years of living with a woman, sharing a bed with a woman and last night was the closest I ever felt to another person, last night was the closest I ever let someone get.

What did that say about Miranda and I? How would this change our relationship? These were questions that I should have thought about before, questions that should have stopped me from stepping foot outside my apartment door. I can’t even imagine what Miranda must be thinking at this moment, I don’t even want to.

“ Hey.” He stirred under me and pulled me closer to him, placing a soft kiss on my forehead. His hands moved up and down my arm, and instantly I forgot those troubling thoughts that threatened to ruin this moment. Instead I focused on the way his lips moved against mine, and how easy it was for me to forget everything around me with just one kiss from him. “You’re beautiful in the morning.” He had to be lying. I knew my hair is a matted mess, and I can just imagine how that alone had made me looking. Either way, he was looking at me through soft eyes and his lips were finding their way back to mine, and once again I was forgetting about anything that made sense. I should have been gone, I should at least be leaving, but my body turned with his and my back fell against the bed as he moved on top of me. I inhaled his scent, I tasted his skin and I welcomed his strength. I was too caught up in our kiss to even notice how he slipped inside of me, but when I came to he was there, his length sliding further inside of me until it filled my space and stretched my walls. I gasped, holding tight onto his shoulders, as he moved his hips against me, sliding in then out, easing the discomfort that arose and replacing it completely with delight. I loved the way he felt, there was no other feeling like it. He placed his kisses all over me, held my hips to him as he moved within me, and I felt wave after wave of pleasure wash over me, leaving me in a daze of yearning. He had me feeling like I no longer remembered what it felt like to be without him, like there was no feeling before this. He awakened me, he enthralled me, he made me cry out for him in a way I never cried out for another before. He took his time with me, he wasn’t rushed, and each moment he pulled away was one spent in agony awaiting his return. We had only started, and I was almost to that point. He lifted himself up, so that he was now staring down at us and the look in his eye shook me down to the core. He held my gaze, I couldn’t look away and I watched him make love to me. It was so erotic, it was so thrilling, it filled me with that feeling….that feeling that came over me last night, that took over me and sent words I didn’t know I had falling from my mouth. I bit down on my lip, I felt them coming again, and that just couldn’t happen. But he was moving inside of me, his eyes were bearing into mine, and my body was taking a mind of its own- encouraging my mouth to do the same. I pushed my head back into the pillow, and squeezed my eyes shut, his presence taking over me, those words pushing to come out.

“Don’t hold back Bee.” He whispered against my lips and leaned down to kiss me, saving me from speaking the words I didn’t want to say. When he collapsed, he buried his head in the crevice of my neck and kissed me softly… the thought of leaving never crossing my mind.

I awoke to the sound of Justin’s muffled voice under water, his precise notes and steam escaping through the crack of the bathroom door where he must have been taking a shower. I imagined getting out of the bed and joining him, I could just picture his handsome body glistening with water, me massaging soap on his back, across his chest…and then the door to his room opened.

“ Justin…I hope your decent…” the voice faltered when their eyes met with mine and for a moment I just registered in the shock. It hadn’t even occurred to me that it wasn’t just the fact that I was in Justin’s bed, that had them so surprised, but the fact that I was still naked and the sheet that used to cover me had long since fallen to my waist and now rested in my lap. I rumpled with the cover and wished I could just throw it over my head and disappear under it, but I had no such luck.

“ Ohmigosh!” I hissed moving off the bed, taking all the covers with me, I didn’t know exactly where I thought I was going, but I was making a move anyhow.

“ I’m…sorry..Bryne?” I couldn’t even look at JC, didn’t want to see those questions in his eyes. I had gone this far without letting the guilt settle in, and I was prepared to share that moment with anyone, least of all him, when it finally had. I just stood with my back to him, staring out the window, forcing back the tears that began to surface. It wasn’t until now that I decided to even evaluate this situation. I can’t even imagine how JC is viewing all this. Here I am, a business partner, and I’m shacked up with the man who is cutting the checks when my girlfriend is at home- probably distraught that I left in the first place. Just like that the tears, and the guilt, and the burden of what lies ahead came crashing down on my shoulders, breaking any kind of resistance I had for them up until now.

“ Bryne…”

“ Don’t JC..please.” I cried and gathered the sheets even tighter around me. I had wrapped myself fully inside of them, but no matter the amount of material I still felt naked. I felt exposed, and it was an unsettling feeling.

“ Tell J I stopped by.” I waited for the door to close before I let out a heart wrenching sigh and leaned against the wall. What was I doing? What had I done? I pushed off the wall ad went in search of my clothes. I was kneeling under the bed searching for my underwear when I heard the door to the bathroom open. I wanted to crawl beneath the bed, avoid this next moment, when the morning after finally happened between us. It was well into the afternoon, but we somehow were able to curtail reality and relish in each others presence a while longer, now- what we gladly avoided before was clearly present- and the remorse began to torment me.

“ Are you looking for these?” He held my panties on the edge of his finger, dangling them in front of him. He stood in a towel and nothing else. The look in his eye, the grin on his face was almost enough to make me forget that pang of guilt that bellowed in the pit of my stomach. I stood up, and crossed over to him, to snatch them out of his hand- but he grabbed me instead and stopped me from moving away. He lifted my chin, so that my eyes were in focus with his, and searched them for answers. I hadn’t said a word, but I knew he understood that I was battling with something. I could see it in his eyes, the way they lowered in concern, the way his lips tightened with it, the way his hand cupped my face.

“ Don’t Jusin.” It was all I could say. He had to know this was wrong, even if he didn’t know all there was to know about the situation, he had to know our feelings for each other were wrong. What we did was wrong.

“ This isn’t wrong Bee.”

“ It isn’t right.” The tears were back and I found that I had cried more with him than I had in the last three years of my life. I didn’t even cry this much when my father died, I can’t even remember if I cried. Being with him wasn’t safe for me, it opened up too many wounds, it made me feel things I shouldn’t feel, which made everything about him wrong for me. He had the ability to completely change my life as it was, and until him I didn’t see a need for any change. Now I don’t know anymore, and I’m beginning to believe that I do know- I’m just scared of the answer.

“ I can’t say that it’s not going to hurt…but Bee it would hurt more to fight it.” He sounded so convincing, like he knew what he was talking about. Of course he did, he was a professional player. He had pimped them all, including my best friend. Of course he would know the right words to say, at the right time. He was a master at this game, I am just a gullible pawn. At least that’s what I’ll tell myself.

“ No…I have to go.” I was loosing this battle. He was going to win this match. I could feel it deep inside, the way I just wanted his arms to wrap around me, hold me, how I wanted his lips to kiss away my doubt, how I wanted him to take away my fear. I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. He was not mine for the taking, and I couldn’t be his.

“ Bee, don’t do this.” His eyes were pleading with mine, his restraint was failing and his hold on me had tightened. I ignored the tug at my heart, pushed away the desire to agree and moved away from him. I grabbed for my dress and he grabbed for the sheets. They fell around my ankle and for a moment we just stood there, me staring at him, as his eyes roamed the length of my body. My knees were weakening, and my body was frozen in place, basking in the journey of his eyes across it. He licked his lips, gripped the covers, and walked towards me, like a hunter going after his prey. It lit something on the inside, and my body responded, my heart jumped, and my resistance failed once again. I began to back up, as he moved forward, and was stopped abruptly when I came against the wall. He couldn’t touch me, I couldn’t let him kiss me, if he did, I’d never leave. I’d forget the guilt, I’d forget everything and stay like I wanted to. “ Don’t do this to me.” He pleaded, and I could tell from the strain of his words that it wasn’t something he was accustomed to doing. His hand went to my throat while the other held onto my hip, and he disregarded my protest as he took my breath away with his kiss. We needed to stop, but my hands went to him anyway, and my legs opened to him and just like that I was pinned against the wall- my self-control losing- as I pushed his towel away from him and felt the pressure of his manhood pushing against me. It was the third time, and I would have thought I had enough by now, but I was just as willing to feel him as I had been the first time. This time I didn’t wait for him, I reached for him and guided him in, and could only sigh when I felt him nestled inside of me. He lifted me up by my hips, and used his one hand to position us against the wall, as my body slid up and down the with each passionate thrust. I moaned, folding my arms around his neck as he worked my body mercilessly. His breathing was rapid, his body was tense, and his mouth was right against my ear, his words taking me over the edge.

“ Shit Bryne I need you…don’t fight this.” I couldn’t respond, could barely utter a breath as he moved me closer to my breaking point. I don’t know how he does it, but he gets me lifted, takes me higher than I’ve ever been before. I don’t want to come down, I want to stay floating above all those feelings that would take me from his arms, place me back in reality and leave me without him. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be with him. “ Am I hurting you?” I loved the way his body worked into mine, loved it even more every time I felt my back brush against the wall and heard our bodies come together. He hadn’t done it like this before, and I loved how gentle he was before, but I loved how rough he was now. I not only heard how he felt, I could feel it, with each stroke, I could feel that need revealing itself in me. I was over the edge, I could feel myself coming down all around him, coaxing out his own release. He pushed his body against mine, and stayed within me, holding me as we both came down from our high. It was a moment I wanted to last for ever, just like every moment I’ve spent with him.

“ I need you Bee..” he breathed, his body still pressed into mine- our bodies still connected. I felt him soften inside of me, and I wondered how he managed to keep himself placed inside of me, how I still managed to feel that electricity that goes through me every time he enters. “ I need you…” he just murmured those words, his grip tightening on me, my resolve walking away from me as I fell deeper into the moment. I knew I had to leave, but I still remained

~~~

“Hello?” The words escaped my mind as I stared into my phone and tried to place what it is I wanted to say to him. I should have just hung up, but I knew it would make no difference, since every cellular phone was now equipped with caller id. Instead I sighed heavily and swallowed down hard, wishing I had never placed this call.

“ JC…it’s me Bryne.” I knew the moment that I stepped out of Justin’s sedan, without having even mentioned Miranda that I wasn’t walking away from whatever it was building between us. Not once, in the course of the entire day that I spent laying in his arms, him deep inside of me, me telling him more things I never spoke of to anyone else…no, not once had I mentioned Miranda. It wasn’t even that she was just absent in my thoughts either, she was completely absent from mind- as was everything else. There was something about the connection between Justin and I, that made me want to keep everything at a distance- especially the things that would threaten to break us apart. It was the best I could do, to keep my sanity, and to hold onto something I knew I shouldn’t want to. When I made it upstairs to the apartment, I knew it would be empty. Miranda was already at the club, it was already 10 o’clock in the evening. It gave me time to think about what I should do, how I should handle the confrontation we were bound to have when she came home that night. Would she question me about Justin? Of course she would, she’d want to know whose bed I slept in all night… all morning…all day. I don’t know what I’m going to say, how I’m going to handle it. What could I say? Then there was Belinda. I hate that I’m doing this to her, but I don’t hate it enough. I don’t hate what I’m doing enough to stop for Belinda nor Miranda. It’s a feeling I’m not familiar with, something I never thought I could do to someone else, let alone two people I love. This thing with Justin, whatever it is, is breaking apart the person I used to be. I was a loyal friend, a committed girlfriend, now…there are not even pieces of that person left. I never used to cry, I never talked about my past, I never climaxed more than once a day…if that. I was satisfied…wasn’t I? I wasn’t complaining, I wasn’t wishing for more. Then we kissed, and all that…everything that used to be enough, is no longer enough.

“ I need to explain.” I was desperate to talk to someone, anyone. He knew more about what was going on in my life than the three people that should. Justin knew the past, but he didn’t know the present. He didn’t know about Miranda, I couldn’t tell him. What would he think of me? I know he has a best friend, Lance, that turned out to be gay, and he seems pretty okay with it…but Lance is his friend. Lance isn’t me, he may not be so understanding. Especially since I since I have yet to tell him.

“ Bryne you don’t have to do this….”

“ Yes… I do.” I was sitting at the kitchen bar nook, I had already opened a bottle, but this time Mr. Goose couldn’t help me. I needed to talk to someone. I needed someone to listen, to understand…maybe then they could help me understand.

“ Where are you?”

“ I’m at home. 55th and Walsh.” I swallowed the last of my drink and sighed into the phone. I was so lost, and I didn’t want to bury this problem in alcohol. I wanted to get this out, before it lost itself inside this mess I’ve created. I wasn’t sure if JC would listen, but it was worth a try.

“ I remember where you live Bry.” He laughed and I smiled, before frowning once I remembered. He told me he’d be here in fifteen minutes, and I hung up the phone to wait. I looked at the bottle in front of me, and thought about pushing it away, but then that would mean I have to deal with this sober. I thought about Justin and then I thought about Miranda- how sad she looked when I walked in yesterday. How sad she’ll look when she walks in today. I couldn’t do this alone, and JC could only stay a while. I poured another glass.

Chapter 15 b

“ You wanna slow down?” I had no inclination to stop, in fact I had every desire to finish the bottle and grab another one. Whoever said drinking away your worries was a bad idea obviously never tried Charbay Vodka, which happens to be my favorite alternative to Mr. Goose. Charbay has this way about her, since I’ve deduced to genderizing my favorite liquours, which allows me to transform my big problems into minute mishaps. Now, the fact that I’ve spent the last night in the arms of another man when I’m currently committed to a woman doesn’t seem so bad…at least not in the fuzzy light of my current mental state. I love my vodka. So naturally, I down the rest of my glass and move to pour another one.

“ Bryne… slow down!” I watched in horror as JC grabbed the bottle from me, flipped the top off and proceeded to pour the remaining liquid down the drain of the sink. I didn’t even blink as I watched the pour girl slosh down into the metal surface and whirl down the drain. I was vastly approaching my needed numbing state and I watched as the last push over the anthill emptied down the drain.

“ Are you serious?”

“ Are you? Bryne… this shit is getting carried away. You have a problem.” JC slammed the empty bottle into the can and marched back over to the bar, where I was seated staring at my lonely ice cubes. I rolled my eyes and clucked my tongue; he was definitely in the running for Captain Obvious.

“ No shit Hamlet.” I frowned momentarily, guessing that Hamlet wasn’t quite the right character, but assured myself that it didn’t matter all the same. I was in a heap of shit, I already knew that, which is why I chose to devour my Charbay so that the heap of shit could turn into a goose down pillow and I could forget- if just for the night- the pile of shit it really is.

“ Listen Bry…”

“ No YOU listen JC! This man…YOUR friend, has completely fucked my entire world! I no longer know if I’m coming or going, if I’m straight or gay…and he..HE makes me want to forget about Miranda, forget about the past and be with him. BE WITH HIM.” I choked over the words like I couldn’t believe I was saying them. Like I hated the fact that they even fell from my mouth. I wasn’t suppose to fall for Justin, I never intended to give myself to him, I didn’t mean to fall…. “ JC… I’m going crazy. I can’t stop myself. I don’t even want to.” I cried, like a pitiful baby. Like the sad excuse for the person that I was, a person that would break many hearts if I continued to act on that forbidden feeling that lingered just beneath the surface for Justin.

“ Bryne don’t cry.” He soothed and I ignored his request. My tear ducts opened wider and out poured the secrets of my heart, sliding down my face, swallowing me whole, consuming my very existence, making a mockery of the fight I had against it.

“ I don’t know what to do.” I thought if I said everything outloud, it would all make sense, something would click, and I’d turn away from the very thing that caused all this confusion. I thought maybe JC would talk some sense into me, remind me of my girlfriend, of my best friend, hell… I thought he would make me remember what kind of person Justin really was. You know the kind that kept a girlfriend and a mistress all at the same time, the kind that didn’t care about anyone’s feelings but his own. The kind of person I had seen him as before, nothing like the kind of person my heart now belongs to. This is crazy. It’s quite unfathomable, and if I could just drink the rest of this ridiculousness away, I could find some kind of solace.

“ Drinking is not going to give you an answer.” JC’s voice was stern and if I hadn’t grown fond of him over the past few months, I would have just as soon dismissed his input and charge him for the ruin of my bottle. I could only sigh in response, not willing to totally agree with his logic- no matter how sane it sounded. I don’t believe there is anything I can do short of going insane that would provide suitable answers to rid me of this situation, in fact I think the answer is that there is no simple one. The thought alone depressed me and inched my conscious another step further away from disillusion. I needed another drink. I look over at JC, and the way he’s guarding the liquour cabinet I can tell the feat won’t be easy. He glowers his eyes at me, and I slump further down in my chair, wishing I could disappear all together. How had I come to this point? How did everything change so drastically, how come nothing made sense anymore? I want my normalcy back. I want my mundane existence, where the highlight of my life came on the corner of Canal St when Vinny the Vendor presented me with the newest bag to add to my collection. I was comfortable where I was at. I didn’t have to recognize uncertainty, I didn’t have to battle with emotion or conscious. I was in love with my girlfriend. I was in love with Miranda. There was nothing before to challenge that, now I’m fighting to hold onto the past and afraid to even consider the future.

“ Will you excuse us.” It was not a question, which was evident by the tone of her voice. My heart nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of Miranda’s voice that broke through our silence, and I turned to see her standing behind us. I hadn’t heard her come in, and I wondered how much of our conversation she caught. I couldn’t judge from the stone look on her face. I couldn’t read what she was thinking.

“ Certainly.” JC cleared his throat and moved from me. He grabbed for his jacket and gave me one last look before turning to make his exit. I could tell he was silently asking me if I needed him to stay, but I shook my head no in response. Whatever was about to happen was bound to happen and there was no use in prolonging it. He knodded his understanding and smiled towards Miranda before leaving. Miranda said nothing, even after the door closed behind him, she just stood there and watched me. I felt the blood curling in my veins, my heart straining to beat as I awaited her response. She didn’t give me any, just stood there, her face showed nothing, she said nothing, just waited and watched.

“ Say something Mimi.”

“ What do you want me to say? Where were you?” she smirked, although I know she found nothing about this conversation funny. I lowered my head and wished I had more control over the damn tears that could never seem to stop falling. “ I know where you were Mamas.” Her thick Spanish accent wrapped around those words harshly and I could just imagine how her clear brown eyes turning into a deep dark mocha.

“ I’m sorry…”

“ Want me to ask you if you gave yourself to him? What you did with the time that you were gone?!....I know Mamas..I know!” her voice rose with every word and it was only then, at the height of her anger that I could hear her heart breaking. I didn’t have to look at her to know the tears fell from her eyes. I didn’t have to look at her to see the anguish covering her features, I could hear it in her voice. I felt so dirty, like the time I spent with him stained me in her eyes. The eyes of the woman that I loved, the woman I’d been committed to up until last night. How could I have done this to her?

“ Forgive me…”

“ You tell me what you want me to say Mamas. I already know all the answers.” She finally let her sobs break and the tears fell freely from her eyes. I could hear her move to the couch, her ragged sobs filling the room. I moved off my seat and went to her, wishing that I could take all of what happened back. Willing to erase all those feelings, all those forbidden moments I shared with Justin back. What would I gain from them? Nothing, I couldn’t have his heart when it belonged to everyone but no one at the same time. I couldn’t want was never mine to begin with. He wouldn’t love me like Miranda, he wouldn’t commit to me like Miranda. He could only feel the primal need that arose whenever I was around him, and I was only confusing that for something else. Right?

“ I love you Mimi…no one else. I’m so sorry.” I pushed the words out of my mouth, they should have fell easily, but I blamed it on the liquor. This woman loved me, gave me everything I needed. I hurt her, the only person that I should have never betrayed and I did, all because I was gullible enough to fall for his charm.

“ Why did you go to him Mamas..why?” Miranda begged me for an answer, but I didn’t have one. I didn’t want one, I didn’t want to understand my need for him. I didn’t want to recognize going to him as anything other than a bad decision.

“ Say you forgive me Mimi..I love you..say you’ll forgive me.” I got on my knees on front of her. I moved in between her legs, kissed away her tears, moved my hands to the waist of her jeans and worked to remove them. “ I’m so sorry Mimi…tell me you forgive me.” I spoke against her lips, I moved my fingers inside of her, and I tried..really tried to remove him from my heart. Tears fell from my eyes as Miranda moaned in response and kissed me deeply. I cried as I made love to her and she made love to me, because there was no moving Justin from my heart, when I couldn’t even remove him from my thoughts.

Chapter 16

“Mr. Timberlake.” I was busy, I had said I’d be busy, and yet here Molly was standing in the frame of my door way, interrupting my business. In truth, I was just sitting there, looking over the sketches of the new fall pieces for the William Rast collection, ignoring the incessant vibration of my cellular phone and trying hard to avoid the poignant stare Willow was giving me from across the room. My intentions were to sit in solace and think about Bryne, remember how she tasted, how she felt… I was to do all that in the privacy of my own office. That was before Willow brought her bony ass into my office with the sketches Trace was suppose to have on my desk a week ago. He probably sent her as a diversion so I no longer focused on how late they were, but how fast I can get her out of my office. I love the girl, but I know what she’s after, and I promised Bryne I wouldn’t say anything to anyone until she was ready. It’s been hard not to bring her up, especially around my mother. Three times, three times I had nearly blurted out Bryne’s name and each time it was to explain to my mother the reasoning behind the difference she was noticing in her son. But I held my tongue. Out of respect for her, and everything that I wanted with her, I held my tongue. I’ve avoided every possible call from Belinda and Cameron, in hopes of keeping my cool so as to not leak any information about us- when all I really wanted to do was castrate any ties between both of them and work on building the ones that would hold Bryne and I together. But I promised her I’d wait, and shits that crazy now- that I’m working hard to keep my word.

“What is it Wendy.” I just looked at Willow. I still had no idea why she was still in my office, sitting behind my desk, chewing on my peanut M&M’s, calling my secretary by some ridiculous name that wasn’t even close to the real thing. Why couldn’t she be out with Trace somewhere, wallowing in the nothingness that I know he does all day. If he wasn’t my best friend, he damn sure wouldn’t be my personal assistant! But he was my best friend, and strangely enough he has an eye for fashion amongst many other strange characteristics he embodies- one being his attraction to the abomination currently seated behind my desk.Well…Willow was definitely no abomination- at least not on the eyes, as for someone’s patience….

“ Molly what is it?” I was tired. I hadn’t had a moments rest in three days. I could blame Bryne, but I know it had more to do with the meetings surrounding my up coming promotional tour. Sitting around conference rooms all day sounds effortless, but the drubble that goes through one ear and out the other was enough to drive a sane man crazy…and after Bryne, my ass was working without a full deck for damn sure. Even Bill’s spit showers- that always came with every lecture about my image- were easily forgotten once I slipped into a lackadaisical reminisce of Bryne and every other little thing I couldn’t forget about her. Like the way she sucks in her bottom lip whenever I slip inside of her, or the way her breath feels against my skin when she’s whispering those forbidden thoughts that we both share, but never say. It’s those same thoughts that have me ready to change…something I never thought myself capable of.

“ Ben is on the phone for you.” Just the shit I need. I’m not in the fucking mood for him or his rant and raves about what I need to do as Cameron Diaz’s “ boyfriend”. He makes the shit seem like it’s a job. Like I was on call twenty four-seven, even when she’s out the country. He scoped my image just as much, if not more than he scoped Cameron’s. It was like when she hired him, I hired his ass. I didn’t pay the bastard, but he made it his business to stay current on all my endeavors and made no qualms about meddling in my affairs. He was so bold as to tell me that I had less than a month to cut all ties with Belinda, and that shit happened a good two years ago. He definitely had my card, and the little queer knew it too. I hated him about as much as I hated Lance in plaid shirts, and yet he was just one other thing I had to accept in my life. He obviously hadn’t disclosed his discoveries to Cameron, or else she really didn’t care- which wouldn’t surprise me in the least. So today of all days, Ben’s prodding ass was on my line, and I’m positive he’s about to give me some shit.

“ Will…don’t you want to go play in traffic?!” I dismiss Molly out of my office and turn to my pestering friend in hopes that she’d take a hint and give me a moment of privacy. I wasn’t sure what Ben had for my ass today, but I’ve learned to keep our conversations as private and low key as I possibly can. The man had too much incriminating shit on me, things I never even told my Momma. Willow gave me a bored look and continued on in her picking through my bowl of candy. “ Shit Willow, could you give me a minute.”

“ Why Timbertoad? Got something to hide?”

“ I will in a minute when I stick my foot up your ass..Now get out!” She ignored me for a moment, but grew bored with my angry glare quickly and moved out of the chair and towards the door. I fell into my seat once she closed the door to my office and sighed as I picked up the receiver. Ben’s anxious ass was still beeping through on line one, and I cursed the damn red light as I accepted the call.

“ What do you want Ben?”

“ What the hell kind of shit are you trying to pull Timberlake?!” It always amazed me how frank and unformal this character was. He acted like I wasn’t adored by millions and looked to as an iconic figure. He acted like all I really am to this world is Cameron’s boyfriend, nothing else.

“ Ben…stop calling my office.” I didn’t even care enough to venture into whatever mayhem he was talking about. Whatever it was, I’m sure Bill already covered it, which meant that the issue was over before it could ever start. That’s why Bill gets a fat ass check every month, because he’s one hell of a lawyer and he’s managed to keep my reputation smoother than a baby’s bottom. Ben was usually too late to even notice the crisis was already solved, which was what I’m assuming is the case now. He’s such a fucking girl, always ready to over-exaggerate any minute thing.

“ Her movie is scheduled to release in one month! All you had to do was keep your pointed ass out of the limelight…” The man was out of control. I had half a mind to pull up to his office and shut his shit down. Just who in the hell did he think he was talking to?

“ Yo..watch your tone…”

“ Has Bill seen this? Shit…have you even seen this?” I was growing tired of his frantic rambling and wanted nothing more than to hang up the phone and go on about my day. Whatever it was, obviously it’s not as important or Bill would have been on my ass about it. Ben was still rambling, having yet to address the actual issue, when I saw the door to my office burst open and Belinda appear. Fuck. She looked crazed, her eyes were damn near popping out their socket and her hair was a wild mess all over her head. I barely caught Willow and Molly peering over the corner of the receptionist desk before Belinda slammed the door shut and locked it behind her. What the fuck?!

“ Hang up the phone Justin.” She didn’t look like herself, and she certainly didn’t sound like herself as she stood before me grilling me with her eyes. I hadn’t seen her in at least a week, and I imagined she’d be a little pissed that I avoided her – but damn- she looked fired. Ben was still talking out the side of his mouth about Cameron and her gotdamn career that I thought now was a better time than any to end the conversation. Not even a second after I replaced the receiver did Molly buzz right through.

“ Uh…Mr. Timberlake…”

“ Not now Molly. Hold all my calls.” I watched Belinda, thinking that by now she’d settle down, but I had no such luck. If anything she looked to be getting angrier.

“ But Justin….”

“ Not now.” I ignored the urgency in her voice, and completely overlooked the formal name drop as inclination into how shit was really about to hit the motherfucking fan. Instead, I just met eyes with Belinda and tried to silently figure out what brought her ass to my office. We’ve been fucking around for eight years, and in the last three years that I’ve had this office she’s been in twice. Both times were for a spontaneous mid-day fuck, and it was quite evident that that was not the ulterior motive today. I was growing weary with the fucking silence, and even more annoyed that I couldn’t just be left in peace to do what I really wanted to do- which was to escape downtown to Bryne’s office and lock myself inside with her and no one else. Only I didn’t have that option, and her best friend- whom I’ve been fucking for the last eight years was keeping me from that prospect at this present moment.

“ What is this Scoop?” she was trying my patience, with her tempered silence. I’d rather her state her purpose than just stand there with her hand on her protruding hip and her mouth twisted in anger. I don’t even think she’s blinked since she’s walked in, meaning some shit was really up. Had Bryne told her about us? I tried to read her body language, but my eyes stopped on her opened blouse and I swallowed hard to keep from looking down further- into her plunging neckline. She usually wore that shit on purpose for me, and every time I fell for the fucking bait. But not today, the only feasting my eyes wanted to do would be all over Bryne’s body, not hers. I averted my attention and noticed the glossy pages of the magazine she had gripped in her hand. She followed my gaze and proceeded to walk up to my desk and slam the pages down in front of me.

“ What the fuck is this Jay?!” There, spread across the front page, was Bryne and I leaning against my sedan kissing in front of Al Patti’s. Fuck. The angle was dead on, and there was no mistaking what we were doing, me fitted between her thighs, her arms around my neck, my hands under her dress. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily, the shit was really about to blow the fuck up. An anger like I never felt before washed over me, not because I was caught, not even because I could clearly see that the shit pissed Belinda off- but because some asshole stole a private moment from us and posted it on a sleazy magazine bound to cause a whirlwind of mayhem all for a cheap buck. Shit, Bryne..did she see this? “ What is this?!”

“What does it look like Belinda.” It wasn’t a question, and I didn’t pose it as one, as I settled back in my chair and thought about the shit that Bryne was up against. How the fuck did this happen. I thought we were covered, I specifically told Lenny to scope out the area. Shit. This was not happening.

“ You fucking bastard!” she was flaring up in front of me, and I didn’t even have the heart to entertain her. My thoughts went straight to Bryne. Would she hate me for this? She had spent the last six months hating me for this exact same reason, but now- now that I made love to her- would it make a difference? Would she remember the person I was when she was in my arms, in my presence? It is without question that the old pictures would soon resurface and they would tie the two and make up an exaggerated tale of how she’s just another notch on the belt for Justin “Fuck Me” Timberlake. Shit. The tabloids would kill her, and all at a cost of me.

“ Shit.” I hissed ignoring the shit of Belinda and instead focusing on my next course of action. I had to get to Bryne. I had to get to her before anyone else, because the shit she was about to be exposed to would make me lose her forever- and that wasn’t an option for me.

“ I knew you were into a lot of shit..but this!” I looked up at Belinda and thought about how unconcerned I was for her feelings at the moment. It was sad, because this woman had been in my life for nearly a decade and I couldn’t fathom one grain of remorse. Nothing about our relationship was respectable from the jump, and even though she had every reason to be angry by the fact that I’d chose her best friend over her- that was about as far as she could take her disappointment. She and I both knew I was never promised to her and that  I had never made the mistake of telling her so. She could save all that shit about stepping out on what we had, because in reality we never had shit- and she knew that.

“ Scoop. I didn’t mean for you to find out this way…”

“ Justin how could you do this to me?!” she asked me like I owed her the world. I was wrong for falling for her best friend, but she was not about to play this up like she was my girl and not the consistent fuck that she was. I wasn’t stupid. I knew what she was after, and I knew she thought that if she fucked me senseless I would give it to her. She wanted to be Cameron, she wanted to be that one that got all the fame riding my fucking coattails. I’m sure she even told herself that she loved me, convinced herself that it wasn’t the image, but the man she as after. She didn’t even know me. She knew the size of my dick, and how to work the shit out of it, but she couldn’t even tell you what I fear the most. She’d never be able to tell you one thing about me outside of the bedroom. Even the few things she knew from before, when we were just friends, she’d somehow forgotten. The memory of them must have floated away with her fascination with my image. I pulled her card a long time ago, and it didn’t make what I did right in the slightest- in just made it easier for me to bear.

“ I know the situation is fucked up…”

“ Damn right it is! Do you know how long I’ve waited for you to leave these other bitches alone… and then you bag my fucking best friend….”

“ I didn’t bag her.” I spoke calmly, only because I was trying to keep my cool. I had to remember that I was in my office, within earshot of ninety percent of my employees, and that I didn’t want ALL of my business to be put out there. Belinda was really trying me, and the fact that she tried to deduce what Bryne and I had into simple “ bagging” was just another one of her tactics to belittle everything but our situation. She was a fucking loon if she thought all my girlfriends were just other bitches compared to her. If that was the case she was in for a rude awakening.

“ Oh what…you made love to her Justin.” She sneered and I had to stop myself from laying a hand on her. She had a right to be mad, but she was a step away from going to far. “ You didn’t make love to her Jay!..you fucked! Like you fuck me, like you fuck Cam..like you fuck all your little assistants..and like you probably fuck Willow!”

“ Get the fuck out!” I had enough of her fucking mouth, and she was going to be needing security soon if she didn’t fly her ass out of here. I stood up, my hands on my desk, my eyes burning with anger and my resistance two steps from fleeing me. Just who in the fuck did she think she was?

“ Oh what..the red head cunt is just your best friend?! Yeah right Jay..obviously you have no bounderies…”

“ Belinda..I’m warning you..” I don’t usually get angry with her, I never cared enough to. Usually I just dismiss her, but today is a different story. It’s not even that she’s calling me a fucked up person, but I could tell she considers me a joke. Like there is no other way for me to be. Like I’ a person without morals, without the capability to feel. Like I’m a fucking icon and that’s all I am.

“What…so let me get this straight. You think you made love to Bryne…think because you got to smell her pussy, your something to her?” I should just ignore her, I should just walk away. Clearly she’s angry, and she’s only taunting me because she’s pissed. She knows that I want Bryne, and its killing her. She wanted to provoke me to anger, she wanted me to react to her.

“ Don’t talk about her like that.”

“ What are you a fucking good guy now? You’ve dogged me out for eight years..aint nothing gonna change about you Justin. Your always going to be a worthless bastard with a stiff dick!” Her words sliced through me, cutting through the esteem that I built up for Bryne. The part of me that wanted to be different, more than I ever was. The part of me that wanted to be the man that would love her, and no one else- stay committed to her, and only her.

“ It’s over…just go.” I didn’t have the will to battle with her anymore. I didn’t need to stand here and listen to her insults, reminding me of what I’ve been, what I’ve done. The past didn’t matter. I was looking for a future, something greater than anything any woman in my life could have given me before. Something I didn’t want from Belinda, something I don’t even think she was capable of giving.

“ You think you’re the shit, don’t you?! You think you can take whatever you want when you want it.” Belinda laughed, backing away from my desk, leaving the glossy magazine spread across it. I looked down, it didn’t matter what she had to say to me anymore. It just mattered what Bryne thought… it only mattered that she’d know I’d do nothing to hurt her. “ Let’s just try and see you take this one…you’re a joke if you think she’s going to leave her girlfriend…”

“ What?” I was tuning Belinda out, nothing she said mattered to me in the slightest. But I heard her last words, I heard… but I’m sure I heard wrong. When my eyes met hers, the confusion the flustered them brought a wry smile to her lips. Then there was a glint in her eyes, one that told me what I had heard was right.

“ Oh you didn’t know loverboy….Bryne’s a lesbian. She lives with her girlfriend Miranda…you know the one from the club.” She laughed, and I felt my heart fall to the floor. “By the way…how does Miranda taste?”

I hate that this building does not have an intercom system. I know it’s a stretch to wish for a gated community in this urban area, but the least this city could do- to provide a slice of privacy for its residents- is install a basic intercom system in every apartment building. Had this building been equipped with one, I wouldn’t be half sliding, half running to the door in nothing but an undersized towel and my wet hair to cover me- in an attempt to answer the incessant knocks in a timely fashion. I was anxious for my Chinese food that I had just ordered, knowing that if I lost the chance of getting it now, that it wouldn’t be until three hours later that the delivery boy would make it back to this side of town with my order. Delivery was one of the pangs of New York, you either answer the door with the first three knocks, or lose out altogether. I learned the hard way one starving evening, and have since stopped paying with credit card and am always equipped with cash and a back up plan. Tonight, I couldn’t take any chances, I had a shit load of work to catch up on. JC’s event was less than a week away, and I was no where near prepared. I had lost my mind and my focus, amongst other things, since I signed on for this event. Justin was undoing me, in every way possible, and every part of my life was suffering with the repercussions. I didn’t even attempt to look out the peep whole before I threw the door open. It didn’t even matter that the person on the other side was in for a sight, and that some dirty faced boy was about to get the peep show of his life. I just wanted my damn food, and I meant to grab it before the little rascal turned to leave. I had a sneaking feeling that it was going to be that little brat boy Simon, the one that always counted back less change than was actually expected. He was all of twelve, and the son of the woman who swept the Chinese shop, but had the street smarts con artists would kill for. I’d been ordering food for the past three years from the same place, and he’d been the one to deliver each and every time. I used to think he was too young, but that was until I caught swift to his game and realized the little rebel always quoted me a price higher than previously given- the little wretch added in his own tips. We had a system though, as long as he promised to give me enough time to answer the door before scurrying off with my food- I’d keep giving him his tips. It’s worked thus far, and even though his knocks were a little more harsh than usual- I’d still give him a few extra bucks.

“ Alright Si..keep your eyes forward….” My voice faltered when I realized it wasn’t a scrawny dirty faced boy at all that had been pounding on my door, but in fact- it was Justin. My heart leapt, my throat dried and tongue turned to cotton as I stared gaped mouthed at him. His eyes blazed with anger, causing his usual crystal spheres to turn into a hot blue flame. I could sense he was angry, everything about the way he looked said so, but that still didn’t stop my knees from bucking. “ Justin?” He didn’t say anything, which made my anxiety heighten. His eyes took there time moving over my body, and what I thought was a flash of warm relief, quickly washed over back into that previous cold stare. If he had been affected by my near naked and wet state, that moment had clearly passed. “ What are you doing here?”

“ We need to talk.” He pushed his way inside, grabbing a hold of my arm and guiding us into my living room. I yanked my arm away the moment the door slammed closed and watched as he stood in stony silence boring his eyes into me.

“ Justin what is going on?” I was afraid to ask, even more afraid to hear the answer. I’ve had the chance to see many sides of Justin Timberlake, and this was a side I was most unfamiliar with. He looked stricken with anger, but that didn’t explain all that was going on with him. His mouth was drawn together, his jaw was tight, his eyes were even lowered into slits, but something about him looked like it was on the brink of breaking. Like at any moment, his anger would disappear and in its place…I don’t know, something, something that looked to vulnerable to even mention would take over. I didn’t know what I could possibly be thinking, as my next move was to go right to him and place my arms around him. I had missed him so much, my body had missed him, my  lips had missed his, pretty much every part of me had missed him- except my thoughts that is. Since the moment I last left him, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him, which made this moment- with him in my living room- frightening but relieving all the same. I don’t know why he’s here, or even why he’s looking at me like that, and I’m sure the fact that Miranda was no where in sight and wouldn’t be for at least a few more hours- did nothing to dissuade me from wrapping my arms around his neck to pull him towards me. I didn’t even notice his resistance, I don’t think I even cared; all I wanted was for his mouth to be against mine, his hands to be all over my body. At first he just stood there, I could feel something inside of him holding out- trying to keep him from responding to me, but my lips didn’t stop and my towel definitely slipped and instantly his hands were on me and his lips were moving with mine. I didn’t think about his hesitation, I didn’t even think about the promise I made to Miranda, all I could think about was how much I missed him. I was so lost in our kiss, in the way his hands kneaded their way into my bare flesh, in the way his kiss shortened every breath I made. He was consuming, and I was so willing to give in to him, like the past three days never happened. Like I didn’t promise my girlfriend I would end this, like I didn’t vow to stay away from him. As if he could read my thoughts, he pushed away from me and kept my body at a distance. The warmth, when he was near, immediately vanishing and in its place the cold reality of our distance.

“ Put something on.” He growled, his face turned away from me, his voice laced with disgust. My eyes questioned him, but he wouldn’t even look at me, didn’t even bother to acknowledge my confusion. Stepping away from him, I gathered my towel and wrapped it around my body. I was confused, very much unsettled and slowly growing angry in my perplexity.

“ What is this Justin?”

“ You tell me…what the fuck is this? A little experimentation…did you wanna see how good the dick felt?!” My mouth dropped open, and I’m sure my face flushed several shades of red. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, because the person that spoke these words sounded nothing like the person I’d been with these past few months. He was morphing into someone I didn’t know existed inside of him, right before my eyes. His words cut throw me like a dirty knife and I felt about as insignificant as one of his little groupies that follow him around. Where the fuck was all this coming from? Was he really trying to imply that I was just after him because I heard he could fuck real well? Had he always felt this way, and if so, why did he have the nerve to look so hurt? Like I was the one spewing this hurtful bullshit at him?

“ Don’t you talk to me like that you fucking bastard!” I didn’t know what else to say, what could I say. Would now be the time to tell him that I’d been lying all this time, that I actually had a girlfriend, and that my intentions were to never like him, let alone fall for him and now that I….now that I have these twisted feelings for him I don’t know what to do with them. It was a conversation we needed to have, because as hard as I tried to forget about him, the way he made me feel, I couldn’t deny it.

“ How should I talk to you B? How the fuck should I talk to you?!... I guess honesty wouldn’t work with you ‘cause that’s some shit you obviously don’t know shit about!”  I opened my mouth to respond, but before the words could come out, realization had set in. My mouth hung open as I choked on my own ignorance and I watched his face burn with anger. His eyes broke away from mine, and just before they did I noticed the panged look inside them. “ What the fuck B?.....Is the shit true?” his voice broke, his shoulders shook with disbelief as he stood waiting for me to answer him. I hated myself, in that moment, the way he looked at me, the way it looked like his heart broke right before me, it made me want it all to be a lie. It made me want to have never known Miranda, to have never been the person I’ve been, leading the life I’d been leading up until now. I didn’t want to be that person, that reason, that had him standing here falling apart, breaking down before me. “ Is it true?” there was anguish, there was resentment, but most of all that was present in his voice was pain. It was the pain in him that brought the tears that fell from my eyes, it was the pain in him that kept me silent, not wanting to say the words that would make this moment change the course of whatever it was we could have had. “ Shit B…is it true?!”

“ I’m sorry Jus…”

“ Fuck that!! Is it true?!” He screamed, his voice rising to a depth I never imagine it could. His face was distorted, he was a vision of  torment, and all I wanted was to be able to erase that look in his eye. That look that told me I betrayed him, that told me I mislead him, that made certain I know that all that he felt for me before this moment was enough to undo him and have him standing here begging me to alter the truth. If I could just say that it was a lie, that I was everything I had portrayed myself to be, then it would be okay… but it wasn’t, and I had lied. I had lied to him, to myself, and created something in us that would never have the possibility of growing because I wasn’t strong enough to do the right thing. I could have done anything, I could have been honest, and maybe that might have given us a chance. But I lied.

“ I didn’t mean for you to….”

“ B..baby tell me. This shit is crazy…fucking tell me!” he moved across the room until he was standing in front of me and he had my shoulders in between his hands. His scent filled me, taking me back to those times when he would be so near and I could touch him, and kiss him even though I shouldn’t. A time where he welcomed my touch, even yearned for it. A time when it didn’t look like it killed him to do so, like it did right now. His fingers squeezed me, his heart crying out to me in that single contact. My hands went to his chest, needing to feel him, moving underneath his shirt until my palm was against his warm skin. His heart was beating so fast, his breathe was so rapid, his fight building trying to outweigh that same need that encouraged me. I leaned my head against his chin and listened to his quickened breathe, wishing I could change everything. I could feel his fists balling beside him, his resistance fighting against me. I brought my head up- and kissed his neck, and I could feel the electricity from the pressure of my lips against his skin. I stroked his chest, thankful that his shirt could catch my tears, and kissed the crevice between his neck and shoulder. Moving my hands around his chiseled waist, I moved my lips further up until they rested against his. His breath was hot against me, his hands still balled into fists beside me. I kissed the side of his mouth softly, my hands moving up and down his back, massaging his tense muscles, needing him to just give into me, just this once, for this moment- if it was going to be our last. I knew after this I wouldn’t have him, even more than that I knew he couldn’t have me. I made a commitment to someone else, someone else was promised my heart. I couldn’t walk away from that like it was nothing, no matter how much I wanted him, Justin wasn’t what I needed. That’s what I told myself, that’s what I’ve been reminding myself of these past three days. But all was forgotten when I saw him, I couldn’t even say the words that needed to be said to hold true to my promise to Miranda. I couldn’t even say them now. All I could do was touch him, that’s all I could do.

“ Shit B…” he breathed, tightening his hold on me as his lips moved to cover mine. I wasted no time parting his own lips with mine, to feel the warmth of his mouth meshing with mine. He kissed me hard, held me even tighter and broke through that resistance that kept him at bay. His hands moved down my arms, to my waist, down the length of the towel that covered me until his fingers brushed across my bare thigh. I kissed him deeper, wanting to silence his fight, wanting to ignore my own conscious. I hadn’t felt him in days, and I couldn’t stop myself from needing him now. It was wrong, I was wrong, but he felt so right. I pulled him to me, backing us up against a wall so that his body could press fully into mine and I could feel the strength of him. He buried his lips into the crevice of my neck and moved his hands even further beneath the towel. I gasped in response and lifted my leg to encourage his access. I didn’t know how far we would go, there was no telling when we would stop, it didn’t matter to me at that point. Whenever I was with him, nothing ever mattered. I didn’t know if that scared me or excited me, either way, it did something to me. His hands moved over my thigh, met my private lips and hesitated at their entrance. When I settled my head against the wall and moved eyes towards his, I could see his uncertainty. Even more than that, I could feel my certainty, which took over me and moved me to guide his fingers inside of me. We watched each other as our fingers met my moistness, moving apart my folds, sending his further inside me. His mouth was parted, his eyes clouded with so much emotion, his body stricken with pleasure. I gasped in delight and moaned out his name as he stoked my walls and brought forth emotions I kept buried inside. He placed his hand on the side of my head, supporting himself on the wall, as his fingers stimulated me. His eyes watched me, catching every distortion of my face as he drove me wild with every fingered stroke. I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted his eyes to stop watching me, so that I didn’t say something I didn’t mean to and he didn’t see something I didn’t intend for him to.

“What’d you do to me girl.” He whispered, leaning his head against mine as I moaned out my pleasure. “ Bryne what the fuck did you do to me?” his voice cracked with emotion, his fingers moved purposefully with it, and I felt my walls tighten around them. Just as I thought I reached that point of no return, he slipped his fingers from inside of me and pinned his free hand on the other side of my head. My breathing was increased, my awareness heightened, the torture of his departure killing me slowly. “ Fuck!” He screamed slamming his hand against the wall, his head still rested against mine. I winced at the sound of his voice, and moved to touch his face, but he turned from me, his jaw set in wrought emotion. His breathing still hadn’t settled, his resolve strengthening as his resistance built back up with each moment we spent apart. I just wanted his fingers placed back inside of me, his lips still against mine, I didn’t want this separation..I didn’t want reality to set back in.

“ B tell me… I need to here you say it. I need to know I have a reason…” his voice broke off and his eyes moved over mine, revealing the source of his agony. I could have died on sight, because I already knew what he wanted to say. It was what I wanted to say, what I’ve been fighting to keep from saying, what I’ve been telling myself couldn’t be possible between us. “ I need to know I have a reason to hate you.” With each word it looked like it hurt him more to speak it. Like it was a battle he was fighting, but found no reason to win. “ Because I can’t stop loving you.” He choked out the words, slamming his fist into the wall, lowering his head in defeat. His body trembled with emotion, his pain etched throughout his countenance as he pushed off of the wall and headed towards the door.

“ Justin…I’m sorry.” I could have said anything. I could have told him that I never meant too hurt him, that it was never about testing the waters or trying something out. I could have told him that since the day I met him my life has changed and nothing about how it used to be was enough to satisfy me anymore. I should have told him that I fought harder than him, denied the very notion of the idea of it, but there was nothing in all that I did- or could do- that stopped me from loving him. But I didn’t say those things, I just took the easy way out and watched as the man I loved, turned his back on me and walked out the door.

“Who is she to you?” I look down at the picture of us, me standing between her parted thighs cupping her face as her eyes gaze up towards me, and contemplate the answer that everyone’s been looking for me to give. I don’t know what the fuck they want me to tell them, like the shit would make a difference anyway. Everyone was going to believe what the wanted to believe anyway, America really didn’t care about the intricate details, they didn’t care about the matters of the heart. They just wanted to know if I fucked her, if so how long had I been fucking her, and in either case- where does it leave Cameron. Truth is I don’t have an answer, I don’t have shit to tell them. It would have been easier to say what I wanted her to be to me, there was no other way to explain us. I could tell them she was nothing to me, but that wouldn’t have done her justice. She was everything to me, and I couldn’t have her. Its these damn questions, this consistent probing, that got me sitting here dwelling on that shit- thinking about how fucked up this situation really is. I don’t even know what I’m most mad at. Is it that she never told me she was in a relationship, or the fact that she was in a relationship with a woman. A fucking lesbian… I can’t fathom it. It’s like it’s not real, like the shits just made up. So how the fuck am I suppose to explain to the world something I don’t even understand myself? Why is it that everyone expects me to have all the answers? I don’t, I can’t even explain my own fucking behavior. I went from being a man of many means, to seriously considering- no fuck that- I went from being a fucking no good bastard to…to…shit, some shit I aint never been before. I stopped thinking like I used to. Fucking ten girls in whatever amount of time didn’t mean shit to me anymore, didn’t even compare to me being able to just touch Bryne. Looking her in her fucking eyes…it was all I needed. It was shit like that I was starting to miss. It stopped being about what a woman could do for me and became about what I could do for that woman. That woman, Bryne… she changed me. It scared the shit out of me at first to realize it…but it was seeing that same fear in her eyes that changed my way of thinking. I could see she was fighting, I could feel that she was holding shit back, and it made me want to bring it out of her. It made what I felt change into something that excited me, because never before had I ever wanted another person as much as I wanted- and felt I needed Bryne. I would have done anything to convince her that I was after her heart, that I was after her with a force that I never thought one could have for another person. Even now…I want her, that’s what’s so fucked up about  all this shit. I can’t even hate her…because, fuck me….I love her.

“ I don’t know.” Bill gave me a tired look, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose and shuffling the pile of pictures before us. I know he wanted more, but I didn’t have any answers to give, and the constant questoining was beginning to piss me the fuck off. I bit my lip and tried to keep my eyes from scanning over those pictures of us, with my mouth on hers, her hands on me, my fucking hand up her skirt.

“ Justin your going to have to do better than that…” He sighed, running a hand through his salt and pepper hair, before running it across his face. I recognized his pattern of body language and new that this was shit that was going to be a challenge to get to go away. This was a situation where I’m sure he felt the more information he knew, the better he’d be at being able to handle it, but I wasn’t willing to give him- or any of these blood sucking paparazzi assclowns – any insight.

“ That’s the best I can do.” I was being stubborn, I was nowhere near cooperating, but I meant to keep what Bryne and I had between us. She was already getting slaughtered for the few pictures that surfaced, and with the pictures that were bound to resurface- she was in for a demolishing. The press would do all they could to gather what information they could use to incriminate her, and it was enough to deal with just me knowing all the fucked up facts. I didn’t need the world adding their two cents in.

“ What is this? Are you serious about this girl?” I gave Bill a stern look that said more than I spoke since he began his interrogation. I was serious as all hell, and it didn’t matter that he – or anyone else didn’t understand- it just mattered that they got the fucking picture. Bryne was a private matter, I had no intention of discussing her and what went on between us with anybody. All my camp had to worry about was how to get her name out of the motherfucking paper and her face out of the limelight, everything else was none of their gotdamn business.

“ We’re done.” I pushed back my seat and moved to stand ignoring Bill’s protests and headed for the door. I had to get the fuck out of there. I couldn’t keep my fucking focus with those damn pictures covering the table. The motherfuckers got the shot from every angle, and the more my eyes came across the photos, the more I remembered each and every place my hands ever went to touch her. Across her face, down her neck, over her supple breast…it made me remember how her naked flesh felt against the palm of my hand. It made me hot, too agitated, to think clearly. I should have been discussing the best possible way to attack this media nightmare and all I could think about was how bad I wanted my fingers back inside her, how I needed to taste her, how necessary it was for me to have her. I loosened the color of buttoned down dress shirt and moved briskly towards my office. Maybe I’d find some solace in there, since it was evident that wherever I was to go today, I would be accosted with photos of Bryne. She was every fucking where. All over every cable channel, spread across the front page of damn near every gossip magazine. I heard her name whispered throughout the fucking building, my employees huddled in corners, making no move to lower their voices when I approached. It pissed me the fuck off, that I couldn’t even deal with this shit as a private matter, but that it had to be at the forefront of everyone else’s concern. I hated this feeling more than anything, the lack of privacy, the airing of all my fucking dirty laundry for the world to see.

Her scent filled me before I even recognized it was her. She was standing near my window, looking out at the city, leaned against the wall as if she had been waiting for some time. I swallowed down hard, unable to stop my eyes from tracing the curves of her body, barely able to breath when she turned and looked at me. She was so fucking beautiful, a fucking curse to me, standing there looking as if her fucking world fell apart.

“ Bryne what are you doing here?” I tried to ignore that pained look in her eyes that beckoned me to come to her. My resistance was a fucking fragile mess, taking me for all I had just to keep my sanity. She hadn’t even said anything, didn’t even move, and everything about her was slowly undoing my very nature. She had the power to move me, without any effort of her own, and nothing I  did could work against it. It wasn’t fair, this whole fucked up situation wasn’t fair, because nothing about the shit that she did should have me wanting her with more need than I felt even before I knew she had a fucking girlfriend. The shit frustrated me, brought me to my mothafucking wits end.

“ We need to talk.” Her voice was soft, a strong contrast to her usual brash self. Her arms were wrapped about her, pushing her chest even more against the fitted white cotton shirt she wore. Her hair was pulled away from her face, her eyes huge and sombering, milking the anger out of me with their hollowly look.

“ Shit Bryne..your all about talking now.” I smirked, moving away from her, unwilling to give in to that look that was holding my heart captive. I didn’t want to imagine the stress of all that was going on, how it affected her. I didn’t want to care, I shouldn’t. I should have stopped caring the moment I knew she belonged to someone else. I shouldn’t still care. I turned my back to her and watched the door to my office, contemplating whether I should stay or walk out now. I didn’t have enough strength when it came to her, she was my fucking weakness. That shit unsettled me to the core, because there as nothing I was afraid of, and everything about this girl made me afraid to stay around her.

“ I’ve been with her for three years Justin…”

“ Bee….” I didn’t want to hear how much she loved someone else. I didn’t want to know the intimate details of her lesbian relationship with some other woman, some other fucking person who was not me. I wanted her.

“ What do you want me to do Justin?!...These damn cameras keep following me, asking me questions about you, about us…fuck about Cameron…and Belinda.” Her shoulders started to shake, the tears began welding in her eyes. My eyes couldn’t take the scene before me, there was no way I would have been able to stand guard with her breaking down in front of me. “ They call me a whore…a fucking mistress…they curse at me…” she choked on her sobs, her tears no rushing down her face. I couldn’t take it any longer, I couldn’t just sit and let her cry, I couldn’t ignore the tug at my heart with each word she cried out. I knew they’d crucify her, but I didn’t imagine how she’d handle it.  I was so wrapped up in our fucked up situation that I forgot I brought something else to this equation, my fucking celebrity status. We wouldn’t be able to go through this alone, behind closed doors. No, every private moment would be on screen, across newspapers, shared with everyone.

“ Come here.” I pulled her into my arms, her presence enough to tear down any resistance I built against her. She buried her face into my chest, wrapped her arms around my waist, and hugged herself to me as tears disappeared into my shirt. It was like that night when she came to my door, the lost look in her eyes, the unsure feeling that overwhelmed her. I wanted to erase it all from her, I wanted to take the place of her uncertainty and give her everything until she was certain that there was going to be one constant in her life- that constant was going to be me. Fuck, she made me want to do things I wasn’t used to do doing, made me feel things I wasn’t used to feeling. This wasn’t like me, none of this shit was, but this was me…these were my arms circling around her willing to draw out all the pain inside of her and carry it in her place. I thought about the secrets she told me, the things she hadn’t kept hidden from me, and it reminded me of how vulnerable she was. It was fucked up for her not to tell me about Miranda, but was it enough to make me forget about the things that she did entrust me with. She told me shit she never told another soul, shit that probably had a hand in shaping her into the person she is today. A beautiful fucking person who managed to turn my whole fucking world upside down, so much so that I willed to comfort her amiss this fucked up situation. “ Stop crying Bee…”

“ This scares me…Justin….I… I lo...” but she bit her lip, she wouldn’t continue and I knew in that moment she wanted to say something that not only scared the shit out of her, but also shook the very foundation of her world. Her eyes clouded over with tears as she searched my face, her own expression a mixture of complex emotions. We shouldn’t be standing here like this, she shouldn’t be in my arms, I shouldn’t be forgetting that she lied to me…but it was all slipping away, getting lost in that warm emotion that always filled me when she was around. I didn’t stop myself from moving to hold her, and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her. Her mouth was parted, her tongue just below the surface, and I couldn’t resist capturing the warmth of her inside me. Taking her breath, her tears, and her forbidden words, I kissed her until I felt her distress turn into desire. Her hands no longer clung to my waist for support, but moved up my chest to unbutton my shirt and open me up to her. My hands moved to her hips, unbuttoning her skirt and pushing down her thick thighs. Lifting her, until she sat on my desk and had I fitted between her legs, I arched her head back and deepened our kiss as her hands went around my neck. I missed her, the way she tasted and smelled, they way her hands played with the short curls at the nape of my neck. When I had her like this, and she had me at my fucking end, I couldn’t think about everything that worked against us. I could only think about what I wanted for us, what I could sense in the yearn of her touch, what I meant for her to feel with every stroke that took me deeper inside of her. I pushed aside the barrier of her panties and moved my fingers into her warmth. The moan that escaped her lips only encouraged the movement of my fingers, her hips rocking with the rhythm of them as they slid in and out of her. I watched her swell with pleasure, throwing her head back, squeezing her walls in response to my touch, moaning incoherently. I was ready to plunge my self inside of her, I wanted to fill her space, move within those pressured wet walls that swallowed my fingers whole. Like she knew what I was thinking, she moved her hands to the belt of my pants and moved to unbuckle them. Her hands expertly moving to unlatch the belt, undo the buttons, and release m throbbing member. Her hand stroked the shaft sending my fucking senses wild. She moved forward, my stretched member peaking at her entrance, receiving her dripping juices as she moved to kiss me. With our movements, I slowly slipped inside of her, my head pressing forth into her goodness, barely fitting in the taut opening. She gasped in response, tightening up, as I eased my head back out and moved to make her more comfortable. She was half leaning, half sitting on my desk, and as bad as I wanted her, she had to be comfortable. Picking her up, and wrapping her legs around me, I cleared the desk so that she could lie completely back. When I sat her back down, she just held tighter to me, kissing me harder than I think she ever had.

“ You okay Bee.” I whispered against her ear, and her arms loosened around my neck, until we were face to face and I could see the tears in her eyes. My hand went to cup her cheek, but she stopped me, guiding my hand to between us, pushing my head against her warm center. Opening her legs wider, she waited for me to place myself fully inside her, her body stiffening with each push forward. As my length broke through her thick folds, guided by her juices, I felt myself succumbing to that overbearing craze I had for her. I fucking loved this girl, loved how she drove me crazy, how she heightened every emotion in me, how she had me giving her my all, wanting to show her with each stroke- just how serious I was about the way I felt. Her body rocked with mine, her breast bouncing with each thrust, my knees weakening at the sight of her. Her moans increased, grew louder with every stroke, and I didn’t care if the whole world tuned into listen.  I wanted to hear them, I wanted to hear the uninhibited yearn she had just for me. I wanted to be reminded of how I made her feel, when I was positioned deep inside of her, stretching out her walls, bringing down her love. “ Fuck Bee.” Her legs tightened around me and I drew closer to her, stroking her walls, coaxing her climax, feeding our need. Her juices were wrapped around me, her moans filling my senses, her hands reaching for my chest. I lifted her up, brought her close to my body as I held her firmly over my length, silencing her increased moans as her hips bucked against me and her juices released all over me. My own release followed in the course of hers and I held her tighter as I spilled inside of her, her legs still wrapped tightly around mine, her arms once again fixed around my neck. I couldn’t stand, could barely make it to the couch across the room, where I collapsed with her still in my arms. I was still buried deep inside of her, and even as I grew soft, she still remained her hold never letting up. I had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into, I didn’t care really. Nothing about us made sense, but nothing felt as right as it did when I was with her. I stayed within her, listening to her hushed tears, stroking her bare back, knowing that we had just crossed into something we probably weren’t prepared for. Just when I thought she had fallen asleep, my thoughts running wild with uncertainty of what was going to happen next, she turned her face towards me- her eyes looking about as lost as my thoughts were. I gave her a reassuring smile, kissed her gingerly and laid down on the couch with her situated on top of me. She nestled her head between my shoulder and neck, and I sifted off to sleep, with her soft kisses covering my neck. I could have been dreaming….I must have been dreaming, but it almost sounded as if she whispered;

“Justin I love you.”

I want to disappear into a black hole. At least there I wouldn’t be surrounded by the mayhem that I single handedly created, no… I would be surrounded by nothingness – complete, utter, nothingness that wouldn’t require an impossible solution- because there would be no impractical problem. But I have no black whole, in fact I have nothing but problems and I’m doing nothing to see my way out of them. I can’t leave Justin alone, I’ve tried, and very miserably failed. What should have torn us apart, what should have completely unsettled any semblance of a relationship we might have had, seemed to have somehow brought us closer together. I know he’s angry, more than that I know he’s hurt. In fact, I know he wants to hate me, probably as much as I have been trying not love him, but in either case it’s not working. He’s always there, willing to take me into his arms, even if it’s just to hold me and stop me from crying. I’m the reason for my own pain, I’m the reason for his pain, and yet he holds me- he takes it away from me. He carries it on his shoulders, hides his hurt behind his warm and encouraging smiles that soothe my troubled heart and erases all the fear and doubt I show up with. I know I shouldn’t go to him, but I always end up there. Not even the chaotic attempts of the paparazzi keep me from showing up at his door, and they have tried. I’m followed everywhere, questioned every moment of the day and the questions have long since stopped being solely about Justin. In fact, it’s my relationship with Miranda that has now taken full focus. They want to know if we have the same gynecologist, whether we prefer tampons or pads, do we use sex toys and are we fans of role playing. It’s ridiculous, and that’s not even the worst of it! Several men have come forth claiming to have been the reason why I was thwarted into becoming a lesbian, even more woman claiming to be the ones that “turned me out” and a slew of commentators have made several ridiculous remarks on my selfishness as a “double minded dike” who seduced their beloved icon. I never realized the effects a printed insult could have, but with an array of them, I found myself in a depressed state. With the world, and my guilty mind to deal with, I feel alone and detested- all because I couldn’t shake my need for one man. Then there was Belinda, who has pretty much casted me out of our circle of acquaintances and even succeeded in convincing several of my clients- her fellow artist friends- to withdraw their business. Whereas I had seven shows coming up in the next two weeks, I now only had three- one of which happened to be the long-overdue release party for JC. As it was now, we were seated in the back of a cab, on our way to the venue to organize for the first sound check. Understanding my need for an extension, and sympathizing with my situation, he opted for pushing back the date so that it no longer fell on his birthday- which was tomorrow- but would now be scheduled two weeks from now- Saturday, August 22nd. He took one look at me this morning, where we met up in my office, and instantaneously announced that he wanted his event pushed back. He pretended to blame it on his need to rework a few tracks, but I knew he was doing it for me. I nearly cried, in fact I did cry, right onto his linen shirt as he hugged me tightly in response to my outburst. Crying was becoming a habit of mine, and I hated that it happened to always come whenever a man was present. Justin could soothe my tears, he could take them away as quickly as they fell, wrapping my mind around whatever his hands, tongue, or lips happened to be doing to me at the time. With JC, it was different. We of course, weren’t as intimate as Justin and I, but we had developed somewhat of a friendship that allowed me to release a lot of pent up emotion without having to explain the reasoning behind it. He was a listener, a damn good one too, and it was after talking most of my problems out- without the aid of alcohol- that I found myself discovering solutions. He was a diamond to me in these rough times, and had profound insight- being that he wasn’t directly linked to anything I was going through. I cherished his advice- and even more than that, I cherished his friendship.

“ Relax Bry..it’ll all pass over.” I proceeded to roll my eyes and push back the tears that, once again, threatened to fall. The National Inquire lay in my lap, and on the front page- there I was with the words DYKE printed across me. Justin’s name wasn’t even mentioned, although he was in a sub shot kissing Cameron Diaz in the outlined corner beside me. It was an older picture of the two, from what I could tell, though it didn’t lighten the sting from seeing it. I know his relationship with Cameron was nothing like what the picture implied, in fact, I’m beginning to believe it never had been. He told me that Ben, her PR agent, has been lighting fire under his ass as a result of all this bad publicity and that he could honestly give two shits about the garbage Ben spewed at this point. He looked convincing, even sounded convincing, but I know it’s not just Cameron’s image he has to be worried about. He had been offered several roles, many of which I think he took up on, and in light of everything that was going on, there was a strong chance those proposals could be withdrawn- especially since nothing had been set in stone. He of course hadn’t told me that, Justin had done his best not to involve me in any of that, but his lawyer, Bill, didn’t share his same sentiment. In fact, Bill had made a personal appearance at my office, making no qualm about stating his purpose- which was to rid Justin of any bad publicity at any means necessary. He seemed like a nice enough guy, he even tried to stay polite, but all that was thrown out the window when he got down to business. He was prepared to offer me a quarter of a million dollars to stay out of Timberlake’s life- which meant cutting all ties- and going back to my life as it were before him. I didn’t even hesitate when I declined, not even able to imagine my life without Justin- regardless of how complicated it was to imagine my life with him in it. There were many things that I was unsure of, but only one thing I knew. I was in love with Justin. I didn’t know what to do about it, was too terrified to say it out loud, but it was the one thing I knew.

“ Really…then what?” I looked at JC, whose eyes showed their understanding of a situation so troubled their might not be any hopes in rectifying it. He smiled tenderly, and drew a finger across my cheek, wiping away a traitorous tear. I didn’t want to cry, but it seemed like I had  no control over these damn tears anymore. I lowered my head and basked in the warmth of his consoling hand, wishing he could just wipe away all the tears still waiting inside.

“ Then…you move on. Life is life Bry..it just so happens that we’re unfortunate enough to have all our business broadcasted.”

“ I’m not the celebrity.”

“ Well… I beg to differ.” We both glanced down at the magazine and laughed, a first for me that day. He grabbed the magazine and brought it eye level, looking skeptically over the page. He cocked his head to the side, and a sly grin crossed his face as he sized up the picture they had of me sitting by a pool in my black bikini. I remembered the picture from an event I hosted last summer, when Victoria Secret headlined a celebration of summer. I remember being so excited about the event that I spent well over $200 on the barely there black bikini and another $350 on the Christian Dior heels I doned. I was praying that I’d get snapped and placed in a magazine, of course I never imagined this is where I’d end up. “ Your looking good Bry…”

“ Shut up!” I knew he was playing, or at least I thought he was. His blue eyes scanned over me and then back onto the picture, licking his lips while knodding slowly.

“ So..all that..is under all this?!” he motioned towards my khaki dress, his eyebrows dancing, and I socked him in his left shoulder. He was such a flirt, rightly so though- because I did look very appetizing- even the harsh words printed across me couldn’t hide that.

“ You bet it is.” I smirked and rolled my eyes at our banter, slowly slipping out of my depressed state. That’s what I liked about being around JC, he didn’t change the facts, but could always change the outlook. I could have just decided to focus on the ugly things that were being said about me, but looking at it from JC’s point of view- I decided I did look damn good in that bathing suit!

“ Damn… how’d Miranda and Justin get to be so lucky?” he breathed and settled back into his seat. I looked over at him, momentarily sizing him up, and wondering if all that he said was completely in jest. It was very obvious that JC was a handsome man, even more obvious that he could attract even a blind woman, but what wasn’t so obvious was whether or not his playfulness meant he had been- or was- attracted to me. I could have asked him, but my life had enough troubles, and it wasn’t like I’d be interested in adding on another. Besides, my heart was already convinced it belonged to Justin, regardless of everything that threatened to stand against it. JC was just a good friend, a very attractive good friend, but a good friend nonetheless.

Chpt 20

I couldn’t stop staring at her, she was lying in my arms with her mouth parted open and her breathing slightly irregular. She was exhausted, I knew that even before she settled in my arms and fell right to sleep. A few strands of her brown hair stuck to her skin where her tears dried while the rest fell over my arms. She had been crying when she showed up, something that seemed to be apart of her everyday now. I hated that I was being forced to get used to seeing her like this, like her tears were just expected to be apart of her everyday life. It was times like that, when I opened my door to see her tear-streaked face that I found myself hating the world I brought her into. I had just laid down to rest, having spent the last week in L.A. rehearsing for my promotional tour, when I found her standing on my front stoop hugging her body while her head was lowered away from the cameras that wouldn’t stop flashing from the bushes in front of my house. I spotted Lonnie and Willow on the lawn pushing back anxious reports as I pulled her into me before closing the door. I had to push down the anger that rose within me at the sight of her, her soft eyes looking up at me through coated tears that ran the length of her beautiful face. I had seen her too often like this, and sitting here now- holding her- I realize I can’t take this shit anymore.

“ I just got off the phone with LAX…they got her bags.” I bit down on my lips to keep from lashing out, she had finally fallen asleep and I didn’t want to wake her up. It would only upset her more, and it took me damn near an hour to get her calm down from before. The damn bastards didn’t even wait until she stepped foot off the plane, Willow told me they attacked the shit out of her the moment the air cleared around her. Bryne had wanted to surprise me, she and Willow had arranged to meet at the airport and by the time Willow got to her Bryne was backed into a corner with at least a hundred microphones shoved in her face. The airport security could barely handle the mob scene, and by the time Willow and Lonnie could break through the crowd, Bryne was already huddled in a feeble position covering her head as a shield. There wasn’t enough time to even get to baggage claim so as to avoid the paparazzi onslaught.

“ How the fuck could you let her do this?!” It was wrong to lash out on Willow, but my frustration couldn’t keep me from doing so. I didn’t understand why Bryne couldn’t just be left alone, why we couldn’t just deal with this shit between us. It wasn’t fair that she had to answer to the world when she didn’t even have the chance to answer to me. We didn’t even know that the fuck to do about our situation, and it wasn’t like I could demand anymore than I had from her. How could I ask her to give up everything to be with me when she would have to deal with shit like this on a regular basis? Part of me knew that I couldn’t and the other part of me wished she just would- without me having to ask. I know what I come with, I know what I’ve been and I’m certainly no guarantee when you take all that into consideration- but I’m trying. I’m trying to be understanding, I’m trying not to be selfish- fuck I’m even trying to be patient. The shit is eating away at me though. See, I’m not just angry at these motherfuckers that point cameras all day- I’m not even entirely mad at those sleazy ass magazines that exploit us at every cost- who I’m most mad at is the one person I don’t even want to be mad at. I keep telling myself that love is patient and understanding, and that this is some new shit that’s going to require some shit I aint never been before- but I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

“ Whoa Timbertoad…how in the fuck is this my fault?” Willow gathered her brow and threw me a perplexed look as she hissed the words through her teeth. Bryne only stirred in my arms as I thought about how none of it was her fault. If anything, Willow was trying to be the supportive best friend, but it didn’t seem to matter enough in light of everything that happened. Willow had to know that this wasn’t an ordinary relationship between two people, one that would allow for such surprises as impromptu visits without prior notification. Bryne couldn’t just board a fucking plane out of New York to L.A. without the whole fucking world catching wind of it, which meant there could be no surprise visits.

“ You knew she was coming…why the fuck didn’t you tell me?!”

“ It was suppose to be a surprise you asshole!” this time Willow wasn’t so quite in voicing her response, which in return woke Bryne up. Her eyes opened to me and the look they gave me shattered the remains of my restraint. The anger filled inside of me, making it even more obvious that I was pissed by the way my jaw flexed and my eyes moved across the room. I didn’t want to be angry, but what else could I be? Everything about this situation was fucked up and we were passed the point of touching to make it better. I couldn’t just take her in my arms, and I couldn’t just fill her space and make this shit go away.

“ Willow what’s going on?” She lifted herself from my lap and instinctively looked at Willow for answers. Silence fell over the room, as I stared at nothing in particular trying hard to figure out what to do with the frustration building inside of me. I wanted to scream..I wanted to fucking cry, I wanted to do something more than just hold her and pretend her tears didn’t hurt me just as much as her still being with Miranda did.  I mean why the fuck was she still in that apartment? Why wasn’t she out here in L.A. with me in the first place? Why didn’t she cut all her fucking ties with that woman if it was me she really wanted to fucking be with? I didn’t know if I had a right to feel this way, but it didn’t stop me from feeling it just the same.

“ Why don’t you ask that pompous fuck sitting next to you.” Grabbing her purse, Willow started towards the door. I knew her eyes were bearing into me, but I ignored their piercing gaze as she moved passed me. “ I’ll go grab your stuff Bry…call me later.” We just sat in silence after the door slammed closed and Willow left us alone. I didn’t know what I wanted to say? I didn’t know if there was anything I could say that would keep this moment from escalating even further. We had to talk about the shit sometime…I just don’t know if either of us is ready for it.

“ Justin…” she grabbed my jaw and  turned my eyes towards hers. She still had the few strands stuck to her face, and I couldn’t stop my hand from going to remove it. She kept my palm against her cheek, searching my eyes as she moved in and kissed me. I hadn’t tasted her in so long, and before I knew it I was swept up in our kiss, moving my lips against hers as my hands traveled down her throat and the open space of her chest. She wore a scoop neck tee that had the flesh of her breast practically spilling out of it. My hands went to feel her and her hands went up chest until they both wrapped around my neck and pulled me closer to her. Before I could stop myself, I was lying on top of her, fitting my hands between us to unbuckle her jeans and open her up even more to me.

“ I missed you.” She moaned and I felt her shudder under my touch as I moved my hand across her panty line. I couldn’t help but think about how long it’s been since Miranda touched her like this- had it been a week or just a day. An image of Bryne and her lover popped into my head stopping my hand from moving any further, and a sickening feeling formed in the pit of my stomach. How long had it been since Miranda made love to her? I couldn’t stop thinking about it as I moved away from Bryne and stood off the couch. I couldn’t even stand to be next to her right now. Not when all I could think about was whether or not the woman I loved was still making love to another woman. The feeling wasn’t one I was too familiar with, it wasn’t one I liked all that much either.

“ What’s going on Justin?” she followed me into the kitchen where I went to grab a beer, something I know my nutritionist would have a cow about later on- but something I just needed to have right now. My head wasn’t right, my mind hadn’t been where it needed to be in a long time and judging by the questions that still clouded it- I had a long way to go for clarification.

“ You tell me Bee.” Her shirt sagged where my hand had pulled at it just moments before, exposing her pink lace bra that did more to distract me from what it was we needed to talk about. Instead of one gulp I sucked down two gulps, almost finishing the bottle by the time I lifted it from my mouth. I was going to need something harder…

“ You know I thought you’d be happy to see me…”

“ Bryne…just what the fuck were you thinking? That you could come out here, unnoticed and make your way to my house without the fucking paps hunting you down! What the fuck kind of stupid ass shit is that?!” The way she cowered should have encouraged me to stop, but I was pissed. It was dumb as hell for her to try to come out here without any guards and it was even dumber for me to keep up this ridiculous pretense. Just what the fuck was going on with us?

“ You ungrateful bastard! I was trying to surprise you… I wanted to see you. I didn’t expect for that to happen!” her voice was shaky, but the anger was evident enough. She was still standing in the doorway, staring at me through those damn eyes that could undo me just like that. I didn’t look at her, I couldn’t…so grabbed the bottle of E&J from out the freezer. Usually I had my shit over ice, but I didn’t have time for such a luxury. I needed to get something in me, so I could stop thinking about being inside of her enough to talk about why the fuck it was that she still shared her bed with Miranda. I threw back the glass of liquid and moved to pour another one. I should have considered talking about this sober, but I was too afraid that I would hear something I didn’t want to. Like that she loved Miranda…fuck I already knew that. What I didn’t know was whether or not she loved me. For all the bullshit the paparazzi starts, this is the bullshit that I think about. We could be in the papers for the rest of our lives, that’s not the shit that killed me…it’s not knowing what the fuck we had that ate at me the most.

“ Why the fuck are you here…Miranda out of town?”

“ Fuck you.”

“ And we’re back to that.” I laughed, but really there wasn’t shit funny at the moment. I poured another glass, gulping down the entire contents of the glass before fixing my gaze on her. She was looking between me and the damn bottle and I lifted the bottle in offer. She drew her mouth in and lowered her eyes to the ground before lifting them back towards me. This time around they were welded with tears, her mouth tight with regard.

“ Why don’t we try dealing with this without alcohol?” she spoke calmly, the words having no effect on me as I began to feel that familiar sensation flush over me. I didn’t drink much, I actually preferred to partake in recreational drugs but those were more likely to be suspected- especially during prep for promotional touring. I could at least sleep these effects off and deal with the aftermath of a hangover for no more than a few hours. I didn’t care at the moment that drinking now would mean an even harder time during dance rehearsals tomorrow morning, I just cared that it would help me get through this next moment.

“ I thought this was your drug of choice?” I was being an asshole, but somehow that didn’t seem to register, not even after she grabbed the glass from me and threw it against the wall. I grabbed her hand before she reached for my bottle and pulled her away from the counter, pinning her against the frame of the doorway. Her hands went against my chest as she looked up at me, my eyes could see the hurt but I wondered if she could see mine. Did she know that I thought about her every night? That I wondered if it was some other woman holding her the way I wanted to hold her?  Did she know I severed every tie to anything that would stand in the way between us- and that it killed me that she didn’t do the same. Could she imagine loving someone as much as I love her just to find that it may not be the same in return? It’s been harder and harder for me to convince myself that I wasn’t just apart of some type of experimentation. I’m trying to tell myself that she is afraid of me, but it seems like she’s not afraid of me- just not in love with me. I could have sworn I heard her say it, but I must have been mistaken because nothing like that has come out of her mouth since. I’m beginning to lose my ground…in fact, I may have already lost it.

“ How could you say that Justin…you know…” her voice broke off, but I knew what she was going to say. She had told me about her drinking problem, and how it was her medication through tough times. I shouldn’t have said that, but she shouldn’t still be living with another woman.

“ That’s the thing Bee….I don’t know. What the fuck is it that you want from me?” I was too close to her. I wanted to kiss her, just take the words right out of her mouth, because if they weren’t what I wanted to hear it didn’t matter for her to say them. The hands that pushed against my chest now gripped my shirt, as I leaned in and kissed her without thinking. This was hardly the time to be kissing, but there we were, and I couldn’t stop myself from exploring her mouth. She opened her legs to me, and as I moved her up the wall, I wrapped her legs around me. She grabbed the back of my neck and I stumbled against the other side of the doorway as she took charge of our kiss. My hands pulled at her shirt until it gathered around her bra and I was able to unsnap the hook of her bra. I could feel her breast release against my chest and helped her pull the bra and shirt over her head. I wasn’t suppose to be doing this, I was suppose to be demanding answers, but the way her skin felt against the thin material of my tank I couldn’t remember what it was I was suppose to be angry about. Her hands went under my tank and without much effort, she tore it open and pressed her warm skin against mine. I missed her, the way her skin felt, the way her lips worked into mine, even the way my hands tangled in her hair when I pulled her head back to kiss her throat. I moved us to the kitchen island and sat her down on the counter, taking the time to pull back and look at her. It wasn’t fair that I had to gather my thoughts with her sitting in front of me looking the way she did. I wanted to make love to her, I wanted to fill her until there was no separation left between the both of us. I wanted that to be enough, but I knew it wouldn’t…I needed more from her.

“ Bee what do you want from me?” I closed my eyes, whispered the words against her lips and silently held my breath as I waited for her answer. She kissed me, her lips gently moving against mine, but it wasn’t an answer for me. I pulled back and lowered my head, moving my hands to either side of her. I tried to ignore the way her nipples pointed out at me, beckoning me to take them in my mouth, but the way they moved with every shallow breath she took made it hard them hard to ignore.

“ I want you to make love to me.” I knew she would say that, but I wanted her to say something more. Something that would last longer than now, something that would carry us through and make us stronger than any attack from forces beyond our control. I could make love to her every minute of everyday, and she would never have to ask. I wanted to stop asking though, I wanted to stop wondering if it would be okay to love her…I wanted to know she loved me too.

“ And after that Bee…what do you want…” I moved away from her and put my hands on the sink, unable to be that close to her anymore. I had given up everything for what seemed like nothing. All she wanted was the same shit that I’d given every other girl before, and what I was trying to give her was something more.

“ Justin….”

“ Put your clothes on Bryne.” I kept my back to her, lowered my head and fought back the pain that was threatening to pour through my eyes. No one had ever had me like this, and it was sad to think that no girl would ever have me like this again. It was a mistake to think I could change into something I just wasn’t…especially for someone who didn’t even want it.

“ Justin, look at me…” she was off the counter and standing behind me, her hands were on my back and my skin warmed under her touch. How could she do this to me? How could she have such an effect on me, great enough to have me wanting more than just a mind blowing fuck. This shit had me tripping forreal and I didn’t have anyone else to blame but me.

“ Get dressed Bryne…Lonnie will take you wherever you have to go.” I moved away from her and walked out the backdoor to my house where I knew I’d find Lonnie and the rest of the guards that looked after me. I ripped the rest of my tank off of me and threw the material on the ground as I met eyes with Lonnie. “ Give her a minute…and then take her where she needs to go.” With a curt nod, Lonnie agreed and I motioned for Angelo- the new hire- to follow me to my Mercedes. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and for a moment I didn’t think I’d be able to do it…

“ You okay boss?” Angelo peered over at me from the passenger seat, questioning the hesitation that washed over me. Clearing my throat , I turned the key in the ignition and hoped that by the end of this drive I could clear my head.

I was confused and it had nothing to do with the warm liquid carousing down my throat, in fact I can’t remember why I’m so disheveled in the first place. I was sitting in the corner of some near abandoned whole in the wall- servicing as an airport this late hour in the night. I couldn’t get a flight safe enough out of LAX in direct route to New York, so Lonnie arranged for several layovers which have taken me back and forth across the states-only to touch down in forgotten bases that looked like they hadn’t been used in the last decade. I was in some particular rat whole town just outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania- some name I can’t even remember- and had been stuck here for the last three hours. It was the longest layover yet, and proving to be the most gruesome. I had spent the first hour reading outdated brochures, only to spend the second hour looking for service on my cell phone. This third hour was being well spent, tucked in the corner of the dimly lit bar attached to the building- where I’m guessing most of this airport’s money is made. I was on my third shot of tequila, and loving every drip of it. I could feel the familiar heat through my veins and settled my head against the wall, hoping to pass out within this next hour since it was no telling when the next plane would be in. I assured Lonnie that I would be fine on my own and all but demanded he stay in L.A. Truth was, I wanted the chance to cry alone on the plane. I didn’t want the constant reminder of Justin hovering over me in the form of a body guard. There were only a few passengers on the plane, none of which seemed to be the least interested in me in my tears. Now I was the only one left in this deserted building- otherwise known as an airport- and I had long since stopped crying and turned to the only other source of comfort. Tequila.

“ Is there anyone you’d like me to call?” I couldn’t ignore the man and pretend he wasn’t talking to me, I was his only patron and he was very hard to miss as he filled the entire expanse of the corner bar. It was a wonder he could turn around in that thing, but turn he did when I slapped a big face bill down and requested a bottle of tequila. I’m sure this bar had seen lonelier days and much smaller bills, so I wasn’t surprised when I was met with all the more earnest to please.

“ No.” There wasn’t.  I had been left in my New York apartment by my girlfriend, the man I cheated on her with damn threw me out of his house, and he just happened to be the man my best friend had been fucking for nearly a decade. Even if I had someone to call, at this point I was better off leaving them alone- because at the rate I’m going I’d just find some way to  fuck up there life and mine even more.

“ How’d you find yourself out here?” I was looking square at the bar tender that hadn’t stopped sweating since I sat down, but his lips hadn’t moved one bit. I didn’t top off that many shots to be hallucinating, and still the voice sounded warmly familiar. I lifted my brow in question and the bar tender nudged his head in the direction behind me. I attempted to swirl in my chair, but as luck would have it- I was not sitting in a swivel chair. So naturally I slid off the wood plank, but landed in the arms of the one person I never imagined I’d see.

“ JC?!” My heart jumped into my throat, and almost spilled out of my mouth when I saw the gentle smile that spread across his lips. His brown eyes searched over me, before lifting me back into my chair and taking the one beside me. I still hadn’t recovered from my initial shock, and could only stare at him gap mouthed. How in the world did he find me here, and furthermore how is it that he is here? My eyes questioned him, but he ignored them and motioned to the bar tender for a glass.

“ So you’ve managed to find an airport no longer listed on the map, and a stiff drink inside of it?” I barely flashed my smile before I moved into his open chest and wrapped my arms around his neck. He didn’t hesitate to bring his arms around my waist, didn’t even question as I pressed my face into the crevice of his neck and shoulder and released all of my silent frustration through the grip I had on him. He let me hold him like this for awhile, so much so that I couldn’t tell when it was that I had stopped holding him and he started holding me. I couldn’t quite explain all the conflicting emotions I had going on inside of me, which didn’t matter because he was forcing me to. He wasn’t demanding answers like everyone else in my life, he was just accepting my mess and not forcing me through it. It wasn’t bringing me to any answers any sooner, but it wasn’t choking me for any either. JC had a way with me that smoothed over the stress that mounted inside of me, he made me feel at ease when all the world around me was in chaos. He was my peace.

“ Care to join do you?” I smiled, no longer caring as to why he was there- just glad that he was. I lifted my bottle and filled his glass to the brim, giggling as I watched the liquid spill over into his awaiting palm. I don’t know why I did, but I watched as he lifted his hand to his mouth and suck up the liquor spilled on it. His lips looked even more lush to me as they pressed against his palm, and if I had any sense- I would have turned to concentrate on something else that didn’t evoke any reaction in me. My eyes didn’t care to listen as they watched him lift his glass to his mouth and swallow its contents before slamming it back down on the counter. My mouth must have dropped open, giving JC reason to smirk before reaching for the bottle I all but hugged and sliding it over towards the tender.

“ Let’s get you home.” He hadn’t even finished his sentence before he was beside me, guiding my body out of the chair and into his. I only had a bit of a buzz, so I know the flush that came over me had nothing to do with alcohol. It was a moment before I gathered my senses enough to put my hands against his chest in protest. I didn’t realize how close we were until I felt the heat of his breath fanning my skin. We stood there for a moment, looking at each other, until the tender behind the bar cleared his throat and brought us out of our trance. I cleared my own and took a step away from him, finding it hard to think objectively anymore. I was in the middle of nowhere, having unnatural reactions to someone whom I was growing more and more confused about the relationship I shared with. We were only friends right? I mean he was only here because he was the only one I hadn’t fucked over- in the literal sense. It had nothing to do with those looks I catch him giving me, or even the looks I catch myself ready to give back. All this conflict has to do with the fact that I can’t seem to find the right words to say to Justin or the fact that I have yet to officially talk to Miranda about what it is that is going on between us, all this confusion comes from some place else which has landed me here with none of them, but with JC.

“ I can’t go there.” I blurted the words out of my mouth before I could stop them, lowering my eyes as I realized how ridiculous I must have sounded. No wonder why I was sitting at this airport drinking a bottle of tequila with no place to go. I couldn’t go back to that apartment, I couldn’t go back to Justin, I had nowhere to go.

“ Where do you want to go then?” his voice was so soothing, his finger reaching beneath my chin to lift my eyes to his. I sighed helplessly as I stared back at him, my heart thumping harder against my chest. His touch did something…or maybe it was just the tequila..eitherway, I found myself moving further into it.

“ I don’t know.” I didn’t have an answer. I just had a motive, and it was leading me closer and closer into him. My hand went from my side to his chest as his hand slid down my throat and the other moved around my waist. He wasn’t retreating, and neither was I, as I opened my mouth and waited for his. I should have been thinking about how wrong this was, how this would make things even more complicated- in fact I was thinking those things, I was just doing nothing to stop us. Before I knew it our mouths had connected and his tongue slipped through into mine. I gasped at the connection, opening my mouth further and moved my hands to around his neck. He was only the second man I kissed, and yet it felt like the natural order of things. His hand went into my hair as his tongue caressed the warmth of my mouth, igniting a flicker of heat within me. I couldn’t believe I was kissing JC, but I stopped believing in the possible and have long since invested my beliefs in the impossible. Another clearing of the throat broke us apart, and we briefly turned to look at the tender who stood looking bewildered. He probably hadn’t seen a scene such like this in all of his life.

“ We don’t have to go back tonight.” I tore my eyes away from the tender and looked up into JC’s. It became clear at that moment that I hadn’t imagined any of the looks I thought JC was giving me. They were there all along. What wasn’t so clear was how I fit into all of this. Was I trying to make a bigger mess of things, was I trying to purposely end anything between Justin and I before it could even begin? I know I love Justin, I know that there is something about him that can’t keep me away from him. I know I love Miranda for what she was to me, for what we had. I didn’t know love before her, and I realized that there was more to it after her. I know all this but it wasn’t enough to make sense of the mess I created and it didn’t stop me from following JC out to his car. What if I didn’t know what I wanted? What if I didn’t have those kind of answers?

Chpt 21 b

I wasn’t thinking clearly. My mind was a whirlwind of emotions, lodging from pain to pure pleasure as I lay stretched out on the bed of some hotel JC and I found along the way. I should have told him no, to keep going until we reached New York, but all that was nonsense to me now as I watched him draw kisses alongside my leg, moving closer and closer to my middle with painstaking patience. His eyes never left mine, as his lips moved along my skin until finally I could feel the heat of his breath flashing against the thin layer of material covering my center. I closed my eyes, wondering if by doing that I could erase that vivid picture of Justin looking at me. He’s standing there, restraint written all over his face, his hands on either side of his head with his mouth slightly parted and his eyes bearing into mine. He looks sad, frustrated even, standing there looking at me as if there was something he needed. Like there was something I had, something that caused him so much pain that all he could do was stand there looking at me- his eyes swell with something so recognizable that it fills me even as it fills him. I closed my eyes because I could see him when they were open. I could feel his stare penetrating me, I could feel his pain stabbing me, and it was only adding to the chaos going on inside of me. I closed my eyes, exhaling sharply as I felt JC’s tongue slip between my folds and caress my coated walls. Justin was watching me, I could see him even with my eyes closed, as my body arched in response and lifted at Jc’s touch. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell for him to leave the room because the way he was looking at me made me feel like my heart was breaking.

“ You taste so good.” JC’s words were lost to me, I couldn’t even respond. I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth, if I was going to scream Justin’s name or JC’s. If I could do anything right now, I would cry. Because the pain I felt mixed with the pleasure was too unbearable for me to handle. I could only bite my lip, and roll my hips until I felt JC’s tongue go deeper. His hands molded themselves into my hips, pulling them down as he moved himself up, his kisses trailing along my naked flesh. I moved to run my fingers through his hair, my surprise at the curls that were not there lost in the kiss he covered my mouth with. It was torture, feeling lost like this, too afraid to do anything more than just feel. I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to stop…I didn’t want to feel anything more than this moment. I didn’t want Justin inside of me, I didn’t want him to be all around me, but he was and it was overpowering. I wasn’t thinking of JC, I wasn’t thinking of Miranda, the only person that had my thoughts was somewhere thousands of miles away. He wasn’t the one positioned above me, holding onto my hips, inches away from pushing inside of me. I opened my eyes, afraid to see the truth- afraid to see something other than the man that I loved about to make love to me. I looked up and I saw blue eyes, but they weren’t Justin’s. I reached up and it was the same hair as before, nothing like the curly tendrils that wrapped around my fingers like silk. My heart broke, my mind went hazy and my mouth barely opened enough to form around the word “no” before I felt JC fill up inch by inch inside of me. I gasped, and I felt tears fall from the corner of my eyes. His head was bowed as he moved even further until his body was completely connected to mine, never seeing the tears that disappeared into the pillow. I was afraid to close my eyes, afraid to keep them open so I just let the tears brim them as I held onto JC. His body moved expertly within mine, his hips slamming subtly into mine with just enough force and gentleness that my body subconsciously moved in sync with his. His lips sucked on the skin of my neck as his free hand ran the length of my body, settling on my throat as he moved to kiss me passionately. I moved my lips against his, opened my legs wider to him wanting to ignore the pull at my heart- wanting to forget Justin, like I’ve been trying to forget him ever since. He responded swiftly, pushing my leg so that my knee settled over his shoulder as he plunged deeper inside of me. I tried not to think about it, but he didn’t move like Justin. He was more animalistic, moving within me with such narrow concentration that it almost seemed like something other than what it was. When I was with Justin, I couldn’t think. My mind would be clear of all else, all I could do was feel. I could feel every stroke, every caress, every word unspoken between us and it would take over every part of me. Even when I wasn’t with Justin, he was within me, and it scares me- it scares me so much that I can’t even make sense of what I do anymore. I didn’t want this.

“ Fuck Bryne.” I came back to my senses, a sharp gasp falling from my lips as I felt JC bury himself inside of me, rolling his hips into mine, stretching my walls even further. Without thinking, I screamed out, clutching his back with my nails as I felt my walls pull tight around him. I began to feel the heat rise on my skin, anticipating to the wave of pleasure that was building up within me. JC’s lips covered mine, his hands pushed my hips down into the mattress as he rolled his own even harder into mine. My moans were lost within his mouth as I felt my walls lax and the warmth of my release coated his thick skin hidden inside of me. I felt guilty for the pleasure that washed over me, I felt wrong for the way my body was responding even now as he stroked me carefully coaxing his own release. I couldn’t close my eyes, I was too afraid, so I watched JC as his face twisted in emotion and I felt his body rid itself of his own release. I let him kiss me, let him pull me into his arms as he moved onto his back, and tucked my head into the crevice between his neck and shoulder. I laid like this, my thoughts too afraid to venture from this moment, until I felt the weight of exhaustion pull at my lids. I thought maybe if I was too tired to think, I’d just fall asleep without any thoughts- without any image of Justin. Only, I could still feel the guilt and that carried me onto sleep.

“ Do you want to talk about it?” I had managed to spend the entire morning in complete silence. After waking up beside his sleeping naked form, and becoming fully aware of what happened between us the night before the moment I sat down for my morning bathroom ritual, I was at a loss for words. Not only did I have nothing to say, but I didn’t know how to feel. Overnight, and once again, I had managed to make my life even more problematic than it had been before. I didn’t know what to say to what we have done, I’m to embarrassed to say anything. I look up from my plate of eggs and into JC’s eyes, they look cautious- almost as if they were preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. I know he wants something, answers, maybe even a reaction, but I’m too afraid to even conjure up enough strength to try one. I’ve been ignoring him, barely even looking at him, and now that we were sitting across from each other in the otherwise abandoned dining room- it was now time to come up with something.

“ Do I have a choice?”

“ Yea, you do.” He was so patient, so kind. It probably wasn’t everyday that he found himself in a situation like this, and given my experience in one such as this, I should at least try to say something decent that could perhaps help explain things to JC. I just don’t know what to say. Should I mention that I’m in love with Justin, or should I talk about how I might possibly be attracted to him? Should I talk about how confused I am? Should I talk about how selfish I’ve been, and even more how much I’ve hurt those that love me? There was nothing in particular that I wished to talk about, because everything contradicted everything else which is why my mind is the complete mess that it is.

“I’m not ready to.”

“ I would do it again.” I was expecting him to just let it be, maybe even forget that he even asked me, but his words caught me off guard. I swallowed down the gulp of orange juice I had in my mouth and just stared back at JC. His eyes were smoldering, staring me down with such a strong force I was almost afraid to blink. I finally lowered my eyes, back to my plate, willing myself to continue the morning in complete silence. I had nothing to say, nothing that would make this situation any better. “ Bryne, last night doesn’t have to be a mistake.”

“ Last night…”

“ Bryne, I know nothing makes sense right now. I’m not asking you for any definite answers.” I was going to say something, but he began talking just as I opened my mouth. I could only listen, as he came across the table to kneel in front of me. Taking my hand into his own, he continued, “Last night was the first time I made love to you, and I don’t want it to be the last. I  can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted you, I can only tell you that I do and I’m willing to wait for you. I promise…” he paused, his eyes searching my own before he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on my mouth. It started out soft, his lips grazing mine, and then grew with intensity as my lips began to respond to his need. Before I could realize it, my hands were circled around his neck and his were moving around my waist. By the time we pulled apart, I was fighting to catch my breath, my chest moving against his watchful eye. “ I promise I’ll give you all the time you need.”

“Why are we here?” I looked from Trace to the naked woman stalking down the catwalk and I wondered the same thing. I flew clear across the country, back to New York to end up in strip joint at 6 am- not even enjoying, or even looking at the stealthy blonde twisting provocatively in front of me. I used to love this place, Sammies, which never closed its door and was a guaranteed good time any time of the day. I used to spend nights, days, watching, touching and fucking the shit out of Sammie’s finest. In fact, if I’d been paying attention I would have realized it was Victoria, with the clit ring, dancing her heart out trying to work up my attention. I don’t think I even looked at her once until now, and nothing about her straddled position across the stage engaged me. I was in a tortured state, and it had nothing to do with anything surrounding me. Even worse, I dragged Trace out of his bed in LA to join me in my turmoil- which landed us here at Sammie’s with half empty bourbon glasses and even more naked women. Which brings me back to the unanswered question, why am I here?

“ Drink your bourbon Trace.” The plan was to get wasted, utterly wasted until I could no longer think-until my mind became a blank slate, devoid of all thoughts concerning Bryne and the fucked up situation that comes along with her. The shit wasn’t fair, it hadn’t been from the start. What’s worse is that I can’t pull myself away from her, I can’t even fly across the fucking country and forget about her.

“You mean the bourbon that we could have easily gotten in LA…where we were…at 2 am this morning.” Trace was disgruntled, evident through his exaggerated tone. I could care less, it was a part of his responsibilities- it was more than just his job- it was his duty. He was my best friend, more than just a personal assistant, so it was him who had to assist me with this.

“ You want a lap dance?” I asked Trace with a heavy sigh. Victoria was damn near dripping a puddle on the stage in front of us. She was working hard to keep my focus- her hips, eyes, and breast moved intently as she danced. She was a beautiful girl, barely eighteen when I met her two years ago in this same exact position. She was my favorite, had the tongue and ride of a seasoned player. I wished like hell I could meet her, I fucking wanted to be in that familiar place of ‘I-don’t –give-a-fuck’ just so I could watch her ride the shit out of me and then blow me for good measure. That was what I was about, that was who I was…

“ NO I don’t want a fucking lap dance you asnine! !” Trace exclaimed slamming his finished drink on the table. The ice rattled at the bottom of the glass and it made me think of Bryne…and that shit just doesn’t make any sense. All of a sudden I want to know where she is at, what she’s doing…is she somewhere trying to get wasted like me? It just reminded me of the argument we had before I left, how sad and confused she looked, staring at me with those damn eyes ..the shit was haunting me. “ What I want is to know why the fuck we are here…in New York..half way across the fucking country when you know you have engagements in LA..what the fuck is going on with you man?”

“ Read the National Inquire.” I spit the words out at him like the venom I felt could erase itself just a little if I shared it. Pictures of Bryne and that fucking woman she lived with flashed across my mind. I felt the familiar sour taste of disgust and reached for my drink to wash it down. I didn’t want to think about Bryne, or her girlfriend, and how fucked up it was she still lived with her. She was still with her, and I still loved her- that’s fucked up, but what has me real throwed – what I can’t understand is why?

“ So this is about Bryne. You come all the way to New York to deal with some shit with Bryne while her ass is back in LA. What type of sense does that make?” Trace was getting on my nerves, his voice of reasoning was pissing me the fuck off. How the hell would he know how to deal with some shit like this? What exactly did he suggest I do about the woman I love living with her girlfriend while the fucking tabloids exploit all our shit. Not a damn thing.

“ Trace drop it.”

“ J..pick it the fuck up! You can’t afford to do this right now...” I was growing more agitated with Trace, and for every wrong reason. I had a tour that I am in preparation for, I have rehearsals that have been kicking my ass, I have messages that I’ve been ignoring that I’m sure need immediate attention. There was shit I had to do, hell there were things I wanted to do, but what I couldn’t do is get Bryne off my fucking brain. I couldn’t get her out of my psyche, and the more I tried, the more she remained. I didn’t need Trace reminding me of my responsibilities, I didn’t need him to make mention of the fact that I’m being totally irresponsible because I can’t get a handle on my fucking emotions. When the fuck had this become a problem for me? I was the master of impartiality, I couldn’t care one way or the fucking other. Shit didn’t bother me, it just happened. Then Bryne happened, and it’s bothering the fuck out of me.

“ Can I get a ride?” Victoria damn near moaned as she crawled to the edge of the stage, her taut nipple dangling in the air just in front of us. We had the best seat in the house, I could open my mouth and in moments feel the flesh of her familiar skin descend on my tongue. I’d done it many times before, and back when I didn’t give a fuck I would do just that- especially at a time when Trace started bitching out the side of his mouth like now. I stared at her, wanting to wash out Trace and his damn annoying sense, wanting to forget Bryne and every image, sense, and presence of her in my mind. I licked my lips, waiting for that missing air of nothingness that usually washed over me- that allowed me to do things without caring. The feeling I used to have before I ever met Bryne, before I ever circled my arms around her, before I ever tasted and felt her goodness and depth.  I wanted that nothingness that stopped me from caring about anyone the way I cared about Bryne. Where was the person who didn’t see tears, who could turn a deaf ear to cries? Who the fuck was this person trying hard to get a reaction to some shit I usually reacted to?

“ Are you fucking serious right now?!” Trace questioned Victoria who just ignored him and continued her seductive descent towards me. Her eyes were trying to lock into mine, trying to hypnotize me with what she knew I wanted, and even though they stayed on her- my mind remained somewhere else.

“ I can do you better than your girl…and you wouldn’t have to share me.” My eyes clouded over with darkness, I could feel anger riding just beneath the desire that began to penetrate me. It had been so long since I’d been able to control what I never used to feel, and the return of it was thrilling enough to almost let me forget what I didn’t want to remember.

“ J get up..you don’t want to do this shit. Not like this…” I heard Trace, only this time it was a little easier to ignore him. The feeling was becoming intoxicating, mixing with the alcohol, and my need to be free of this shit that got ahold of me ever since I met Bryne. He must of realized I wasn’t listening once he saw my hand grip Victoria’s thigh as she moved to a sitting position just in front of me. “ J..Fuck man..don’t do this shit. I know you…I know what your trying to do, and it’s not going to work this time.” What the fuck did Trace know? He didn’t know what it was like to love someone, to lose all sense of self and control- too feel trapped by your emotions, to rely on them and ignore logic. Logic would have never allowed Bryne into my life. She would have never been able to penetrate all the shit that she’s broken through since I met her. I would be the same person I was, as fucked up as that may have been, but I wouldn’t be the tripped up mess I was now. Bryne robbed me of everything, and it pissed me off to know that I didn’t care about any of it…I just cared to have her. Only I couldn’t, and not because I was a dick and I didn’t deserve her. Not because I cheated and lied to her. No, because she cheated and lied to me! She only did to me what I’ve done to every other woman, and not even to the extent that I have done it, and now I’m all fucked up in the game. What type of fucking sense did that make? Damn right I want to do this…because I damn sure don’t want to be or do what I’ve been doing.

“ I can take care of you.” Victoria slid into my lap, her skin cool to the touch- not warm like Bryne’s. I ignored the comparison and let my hand ride up her thigh anyway. I tried to ignore the vision of Bryne, tears streaking her face, her eyes pleading with me. That was then, when I was just walking out on her. What would she look like now, if she were standing across the room, watching me with Victoria. The thought alone sent a chill threw me, broke my fucking heart to even think of it. Shit. I didn’t want that, I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to care, I just wanted to be lost in the person I used to be. If I could admit to myself, I would, that I was running from becoming the man I never thought I’d be. “ I can take real good care of you.” Victoria whispered against my cheek, and as her lips moved towards my mouth I caught her by the neck. I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t do this anymore than I could forget about Bryne. Taking my sudden aggressiveness as interest, Victoria smirked and leaned forward not even wincing at the harsh curse that escaped Trace’s mouth.

“ Your on your own J.” Trace sighed standing to leave. I felt the hesitation, I knew it was something wrong about this entire situation and I felt it even more inside. I hated the fucking feeling, I hated it because it wasn’t as easy as not feeling anything at all. I could do that with Victoria. I had done it with Cameron and Belinda. I couldn’t stop feeling with Bryne, and the shit was tearing me apart. Every part of me knew that I should get up and follow Trace out that door, fly back to LA, and work everything out with Bryne. I shouldn’t be so afraid of what might happen, I should be a man and confront the situation. The possibility of losing Bryne, of finding that I wasn’t enough to make her stay or even entice her to want to, that was the shit that bothered me. That was what I was running from, that was what I didn’t want to face.

“ Fuck it.” I heard the door slam, I knew Trace had left. It didn’t matter though, I told myself as I relaxed my grip on Victoria and lost myself in the cool of her flesh.

Chpt 23b

I fucking hate hangovers. Moreover, I fucking hate hangovers that are prematurely interrupted with bullshit…like the annoying vibration of my phone coincidentally left on the wooden bedside table. Peeling the dampened sheet from my chest, I groaned angrily as I felt the slosh of all the liquor bellow in the pit of my stomach. I felt like a fucking twirl a wheel was on top of my fucking shoulders, spinning out of fucking control as I sat up to grab the damned device. The curtains to the wall length windows were pulled and it felt as if the damn sun rose and set directly in from of them. I’m going to fucking kill Trace, only his small ass would do some shit like this. Throwing my sheets back, I tried to ignore the aching throb of my member. Not shortly after Trace’s “pussy” fit sent him storming out the door, I followed pursuit. It was useless trying to figure out what it was about Victoria that couldn’t keep my focus…useless because I knew damn well what had my focus. I ended up sending her on her horny way, while I spent the remainder of the early morning riding around the city in the back of my sedan.  I don’t even know how I ended up here, can’t even tell you which fucking hotel I’m in or even what time it is. All I know is that my phone has been ringing off the fucking hook, even now- vibrating towards the edge of the mahogany table it sat on. If I had enough patience, I would watch the damned thing fall and crash to the floor. Maybe then I could haul my ass back to sleep, and maybe- just for an hour- forget about the fact that I’m in New York while my career dangled in a fucking abyss back in L.A. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to dwell on the fucking chaos my life has spiraled into, and get a decent house hour of sleep. I watched the silver slim mobile inch towards the edge, but the damn thing wasn’t moving fast enough- and whoever was calling must have realized it was just about to fall or came to the conclusion that I just wasn’t going to answer. Silence.  I knew better than to smile, I knew enough not to find myself too comfortable in its presence. I don’t think thirty seconds even went by before I heard the first round of frantic knocks on my door.

“ Justin open the door I know you’re in there.” It wasn’t Trace for damn sure. I looked at the digital clock, and was almost pissed that it was 12:00 pm and nowhere near an impossible hour for me to raise a fucking fit. I didn’t feel like dealing with anyone today, and whoever it was sounded like they were ready to talk about a whole bunch of shit.

“ Come back tomorrow.”

The lock on the door clicked open, and I watched Bill –with his no nonsense attitude- walk smoothly into the room. What the fuck was my lawyer doing here? How the hell did he know where I was? As much as I wished I was wasted enough to not remember something ridiculous happening last night- I wasn’t- so seeing my lawyer first thing the next morning gave me a motha fucking pause.

“What the fuck Bill?”

“ Get dressed.” What the fuck happened now, I thought grabbing the black shirt I had on yesterday which was crumpled on the floor beside the bed. I felt like shit, and I definitely didn’t want to deal with the shit that I know must have hit the fucking fan. I couldn’t even wrap my head around what it was that had Bill’s tightly wounded ass sitting across from me. I cursed under my breath thinking about the contracted vendors- hired out to help with tour preparation. I’ve been blowing off Johnny’s calls, I just hope I didn’t get us in some shit. Shit was something I really didn’t need more of. Just then my phone buzzed again, this time tipping off of the table and smacking right into the floor. It was no surprise that it stayed completely intact, even continued its damn vibrating, and from the fluorescent screen I could see it was my Mom trying to call me. What-the-fuck.  She was in Cancun with Paul, her husband, and she left specific instructions not to bother her- she was on vacation from everyone until further notice. I know Paul and my mother were having some problems, so I respected her request. It hadn’t even been a week since she left, and she was calling. Fuck, something must have happened.

“ What’s going on Bill?”

“ Damage control.”

I don’t know if Bill watched way too many movies involving security breaching or what, but the man talked like a robotic form of himself. It was like he was always on fucking guard, straight to the fucking point, dodging no bullets, all the time. Like what the hell. I wonder what he looks like when he takes a shit.

“What the fuck do you mean damage control Bill?” As if on cue, the door to my room bursts open and in floods Trace- his face blistered with intensity. What the fuck is going on here? I stand up, instantly regretting the hasty movement as my head felt like a fucking twirl a wheel. Fuck I hate hangovers! “Trace what’s going on?” My eyes were still closed, as I waited for the ridiculous sensation to stop, missing all the worried glances I’m sure Trace was flashing towards Bill. I could just feel his hesitation surrounding me as I worked to focus, wishing I didn’t drink as much bourbon as I did. The longer it took for my head to settle, the more agitated I grew. I could hear my phone vibrating all over again, and it was beginning to dawn on me that I was the only clueless motherfucker about whatever shit surrounded me. What the fuck is going on?!!

“ Bryne James.” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK! My stomach was doing fucking somersaults, my head was spinning out of control, and I’m trying to adjust to this new day that I can’t even start without Bryne topping it the fuck off. Shit. I couldn’t escape her and from the looks exchanging between Trace and Bill it didn’t look like my ass would be escaping this discussion of her. Of all mornings for Bill to strategize of damage control for Bryne, it had to be this fucked up morning.

“ Not now Bill…”

“ Justin..” I turn to Trace, picking up on the warning in his voice. Something about the moment seemed foreboding. I swallowed hard, my throat dry as shit, as I look down at the tabloid folded harshly in Trace’s hand. Shit. We must be on the front page again. What was the big fucking deal, I wanted to ask looking from the paper to Trace- but something in his expression told me that this was some new shit. I don’t realize when I started sweating, but I felt the trickle roll past my brow.

“ We need to talk about Bryne.” What we needed was to talk about what the fuck was going on I wanted to say, but I knew Bill was the epitome of robotic function and that it was better I swallow my fucking irritation and listen to what he has to say. I watch Trace lower his head, as he leans against the dresser , his hands tightening around the glossy pages in his hand. I hated tabloids before, but now I was learning to fucking despise them. What the hell did this one say that has my best friend and my lawyer anxiously skirting around the fucking issue?

“ Give me the magazine.” I was looking at Bill now, though my demand was directed at Trace. For the first time, in what may have been forever, I watched Bill’s expression change to desperation and I knew whatever was on that tabloid was something that would go far beyond damage control. My mind went crazy thinking about what was in it. Was it another picture of the woman Bryne has lived with- still lives with- for the past three years? Was it a picture of me…maybe me and Victoria from last night? Shit. What if it was? Damn. I felt the sweat reach my palms. How the hell would I explain that to Bryne? Fuck. What the fuck had  I done? Nothing, but that shit wouldn’t fly with Bryne, not if there was a picture of me and Victoria splattered all over the country. FUCK.

“ Justin before…” I didn’t have time to wait for Bill’s analytical reasoning. I didn’t need the cushion for the blow I was about be handed. I just needed to see what the hell type of fucked up I was facing with the possibility of Victoria and I across that cover. I barely caught the look that covered Trace’s face as he lifted the glossy pages to me. I wasn’t focused, I wasn’t even breathing, as I thought about what Bryne must be thinking right now. I prepared myself for the worst, wanting to believe that whatever it was I could explain it- she would believe me, and we would move past it. I tried to build courage in those few seconds the magazine passed from Trace’s hands to mind, but nothing…nothing readied me for what I looked down to see.

A HOLLYWOOD TRYST. JUSTIN’S LESBO AND EXBANDMATE…IS IT LOVE?

Silence filled the room. I couldn’t even open the pages. I didn’t have to. Nothing within them would have lessened the blow, nothing would have done more to me than the image in front of me. Bryne seated at a table, wearing the same fucking tee I had just lifted off of her not even yesterday, with JC kneeling in front of her holding her face. It was such an intimate gesture, that even if the camera wasn’t angled enough to capture the kiss they shared, I would have known it. My heart pounded against my chest, feeling like it was begging me to just rip it out…tear it out so that the pain swelling inside of it would just stop.  But it didn’t. Just like this picture didn’t change, and all I could do was ..nothing. I backed up to the bed, my head shaking, wanting to erase this picture as much as I wanted to erase the fear of hurt surfacing from deep inside of me. Fuck. If I was alone, if I was just sitting here with just me to hear me, I would let the tears that I felt choking me fall. But I was a man, a fucking man known world wide for his promiscuous and unforgiving ways- not a man that could show tears. I could hear my phone vibrating on the floor beside me, and I wondered for a moment which one of the millions of people who knew me were calling to question. Did everyone think I deserved this? Did I?....Did I really deserve this? I didn’t know..because up until now, I didn’t think I deserved her. I didn’t think I was worthy of Bryne, even after finding out about Miranda, I still didn’t think I deserved the kind of love that I felt when I was with her. But now…now I just don’t know.

“ We have to do something about this Justin.” I didn’t even look up as Bill began, and I could tell he wasn’t comfortable with my silence. He cleared his throat several times before he began again, my head still bowed to the floor, my phone still vibrating. “ It appears that Bryne James has…yet another lover…” I winced at the words, not wanting to hear them, but knew they would be said nonetheless. Another lover, making me just another motherfucking notch on her belt. My eyes burned, my jaw tensed, it was all I could do not break. Everything I could do not surrender to this feeling, to this person I did not want to become.  “ If we act fast, we can correct this. It would be like this thing with you and her had never happened.” He paused sensing my anger, what Bryne and I had was more than just a “thing”. It was more than I ever known, and now… “ Justin, you have a responsibility to your fans, to your career and to your future. We need to act fast on this, I can settle this, but it will take desperate measures. Are you willing?” It was never a question, no one ever asked you in this business if you were willing to sacrifice yourself for the greater good of your own success- and really cared for your answer. I know things would be set into motion with or without my consent. This was just a formal way of letting me know. I would have laughed, if I could, but nothing about this was funny. Bill waited a moment before excusing himself to facilitate whatever it was that he would conjure up to settle this problem, while Trace- he waited around almost an hour later- standing in the silence with me. Finally he left, because he knew I couldn’t do it any longer. I couldn’t hold it any fucking longer. When the door closed, I let the first tear fall

I got the call just as I was stepping outside of JC's navy sedan. My lips were still swollen from our kiss, my mind still in a haze of destruction as I reached to silence the vibration at my hip. I wasn't ready to tackle any kind of simple task, such as answering my phone, because it would only stand to remind me how complex my situation had just become. I had just kissed JC goodbye..kissed him like he wasn't the friend he had always been, but like the man who spent the night making love to me. My lips were still swollen, my eyes still burned from the unshed tears as I pushed passed the doorman to my apartment building and headed for the stairs. I live on the eighth floor, but something about the silence of the elevator- the quickness of the ride, beckoned me to take flight on the back staircase to allow time to marinate in this disaster- other wise known as my so called life. What the fuck am I going to do now? What had I just done? The clicking of my heels against the stair didn't distract my mind from going back to that hotel room,. with JC nestled deep inside of me, whispering against my ear, rocking his hips steadily into me as that guilty sensation of betrayal and lust took over me. I wanted to hate every moment, I wanted to stop and go to Justin, tell him what I couldn't say before, I wanted to erase that look- that sad look that loomed over me and clouded my mind. But I didn't. I didn't stop, I didn't stop the moans from pouring out of me, I didn't stop my hands, my lips, my body from responding to JC, I didn't hold on to my sanity- I just let everything go. I let everything go, and now...I don't even know if there is a way to get any of it back.

" Fuck." I had finally stopped, somewhere between the fifth and sixth floor stairway and just leaned against the cool tile wall. I wanted to cry, but honestly I didn't have the right to feel sorry for myself anymore. I didn't have the right to release any of the frustration, confusion, or anger that I know I've caused every other person in my life. I couldn't even bring myself to close my eyes, just wanting the pain with keeping them open to hurt me enough so that I'd be immune to all the pain that I knew was sure to some. It was then that I felt my phone vibrating again, tickling the side of my hip, blaring for attention- pleading not to be ignored. I reached for it, not really sure if it was a good idea to answer without looking to see who it was- but at that point I felt it didnt even matter. It took me a moment to realize who it was on the other end, took only seconds to comprehend that Miranda was in the hospital and something was really wrong. I don't remember any of the course of events that brought me from that staircase to standing in front of this doctor, inside of Memorial Hospital lobby- surrounded by nurses, patients, and distressed family members- listening to him explain Miranda's diagnosis of stage IV breast cancer. Dr. Zahn had referred to "stage IV breast cancer" six times in the last ten minutes, and if it wasn't for the tight hold Ray had on my elbow, I would have socked Dr. Zahn right in his pointed perfect nose. I wanted to know how this was happening? I wanted to know why this is happenening? If Miranda was at stage IV, where the hell was I when she was at stage 1 and 3? What I don't want is to listen to this model doctor paint a sordid picture of Miranda's " stage IV breast cancer" with his text book definitions. Nothing inside of those books seemed to be making any difference in her present condition, nothing about those too long words could stop the tears from falling or the fear that I could feel swelling inside of me. Thank goodness for Ray. I could think of no other person I would have rather been hear with, to hear this with, and to turn and cry against. I think Ray is the only person in my life I hadn't completely fucked, the only one that probably wanted to be anywhere near me right now...except for JC. If I called him, as fucked up as that would be, I know he'd be here. I know he'd understand that I had to be here for Miranda, that I would be here for Miranda, and not question me for it. I know, without hesitation, that he would do all that he could- he would wait as long as he had to- just so I could be there for her, understanding that she is a person I love. I couldn't call him though, at least not yet, because I couldn't think about what we did or what will happen because of it- not right now. I had to think of Miranda. I had to prepare myself to be strong enough to face her, to hold her in my arms and convince her that everything will be okay- when we both knew it wouldn't. In between his provebial verbage, Dr. Zahn mentioned the five year survival rate was around 20%...Miranda faced an 80% chance of dying.

" She's asking about you." I looked up into Ray's somber face, from my seated position on the uncomfortable textured chair outside her room. I was too chicken to go inside. I didn't want her to see me. I didn't know if the guilt I felt overwhelmed the sorrow I had enough for her to know how I felt about Justin, to even consider what just happened between JC and I. Miranda always knew, always. I didn't want her to have to deal with another thing slipping away from her...like her life. If I could take back the feelings I had for Justin, even take back the night I just shared with JC... I would. I would if it meant I could stop her from dying, I would if it meant I could stop blaming myself for what is happening to her.

" I can't Ray...." It sounded lame, ridiculous even. What was better? For me to sit outside of her hospital room ridden with guilt, or to deal with it and go inside to comfort my girlfriend. Miranda had given me so much, showed me so much, and the time she needs me most..I'm too fucked up of a person to be there for her.

" She's known for awhile." My heart jumped to my throat. Instantly, I could feel the sweat in my palm build up. I just knew he was talking about Justin and I, I just knew he was telling me Miranda and figured out that I loved Justin- even before I did. I couldn't bare that disgusted look in his eyes, that would tell me she knew all about JC...would have guessed that I ended up spending the night with him just last night. I was too ashamed to lift my eyes...so Ray lifted my chin for me. Only, when our eyes met, I didn't see accusation or even judgement. I saw something else, something that told me what he was talking about had nothing to do with all the fucked up things apart of my life. She knew. Miranda knew she was going to die, even before today. She knew about her diagnosis, long before it had hit stage IV- she knew and she didn't tell me.

" No." More tears pushed against my lids, as I closed my eyes and tried to make sense of what Ray was telling me. I tried to silence my thoughts, tried to remember seeing any changes in the woman I had loved and lived with for the past three years. Nothing. I can't remember the last time she was sick. No. She couldn't have known. She wouldn't have kept something like that from me. How could I have not noticed? I thought she was just tired, not sick? Where was I when my girlfriend first found out she was on a strict schedule to die?

" Hey...hey..Valentine." Ray cooed, and it was the first time I didn't smile at his nick name. I wanted to be angry, I was so afraid, nothing was supposed to happen like this. It was suppose to be just Miranda and I, and that was it. That was all I wanted. That was everything I knew. There wasn't suppose to be a Justin, or his kisses, or his touch, or his smiles, or even his frowns. He wasn't suppose to be apart of my life. He had no right to change it. Then JC...I can't even think what all this means to us. I was suddenly pissed, scared and dumbfounded. " Tears don't change nothin' "

' When did she know?" Obviously, he knew too. I couldn't be angry, I should at least try to understand. It would just make things a little easier, there was already enough to be upset about. I couldn't help feeling like I had abandoned her, like I wasn't there for her like she had always been there for me. Even after Justin...and now JC...

" She wants to tell you." I understood the quiet look he gave me. It was time to go face my girlfriend. I stood up, surprised my knees didn't give out. Wishing I had the excuse of passing out to avoid dealing with everything. I drew in a strong breath, hoping it would stregthen my demeanor. Hoping there was enough to get through this next moment. I turned toward her door, biting my lip in hesitation, glancing up the hall- wondering if I should run away. Then I saw him. His eyes held mine, his jaw set in tight emotion. He looked like the way I felt- pure hell. His hair was a mess of curls on top of his head, clearly not considered in whatever haste he was in to get here. He was here. Standing a few feet away, the bloodshot stain of his eyes barely concealing the sadness and anger that weighed heavily in them. My heart, all that was left of it, fell to the pit of my stomach. My eyes, which couldn't turn away from his, teared over with fresh, hot, salty tears as we stood staring at each other. There wasn't one emotion I didn't feel, there wasn't one thing I could do to settle my soul as I took him in and wished- for that moment- that we could be someplace else. I wished our lives weren't the chaotic mess that they were, I wished we could have a moment without apology, regret, or circumstance. I just wanted to melt into him, feel him melt into me, and just...

" Mamas?" Miranda's voice called for me inside her room. I didn't realize until he stopped, that he was walking toward me. He was just on the other side of her door, standing across from me, having heard her call my name. He could have said a thousand things, but he just stood there staring at me- his eyes questioning me a thousand times over. I opened my mouth, even motioned to move towards him, do anything but continue to be tormented by that look in his eyes- but he pulled them away from me. He took a step back, and looked into the room where Miranda was waiting. I could see his strain, I could sense all his frusrtation and pain, I could feel him all too much.

" Go." Justin looked at me, then down at the floor, before he walked past me to take the seat I was just in. I could here Ray shuffle with a gruff greeting, before he walked ahead of me towards the other end of the corrider. I knew Justin intended to wait, and guilt rushed over me in response to the flush of releif I felt. I hated myself, I hated myself for loving him. Closing my eyes, I gathered myself, and turned to walk into Miranda's room.

I didn't know what to expect when I stepped foot into her room. My heart was still racing, my palms were sweating and I think I had just decided to release my first breath the moment I saw her. I don't know how you're suppose to look when you know your about to die, but I wasn't expecting the wide smile or calm demeanor. She looked just like she was home, waking up in our bed, excited that I had finally returned home- like it didn't even matter where I came from. I was taken aback, unsure of what to do next, because nothing about the way she looked came anything close to the reality of her circumstance. Was this false joy? Was this an attempt to preceive reality under a blinding false light? Was Miranda pretending this all was some big scene, apart of someone else's one-man show? To look at me, like I was the joy her eyes searched for crushed my heart, broke my defense, and openly reminded me what I had done to a woman so lovely- all over again.

" Don't just stand there Mamas...come to me." The spread of her smile widened, if you could imagine, and the light in the room all but heightened in response. Her arms were open to me, her head titled in an expected manner, her eyes telling me to let go and move forward. Why didn't she hate me? Why didn't she want to spit at me, destroy me for forcing her to live the last of her life in such turmoil? She was acting as if everything was okay, when nothing was alright. The man I had fallen in love with is sitting outside of his door...waiting for me...wanting to walk about what I did with his best friend- just last night, while she lays here facing death. She's dying. All over again, the tears fall down my face.

" Why are you doing this?" I sounded angry, I felt mortified. How could I even manage the gall to get pissed at her? What right did I have to feel anything other then self disgust? I shouldn't want to yell, I shouldn't want her to hate her reality, like I hate myself. Her smile didn't falter, only the glint in her eye lowered as she just watched my torment. She looked like she understood, like she felt everything inside and wanted to help me bring them out. Help me deal with them- this woman, my that was dying.

" Why are you Bryne?" Ican't remember the last time she called me Bryne. I don't ever remember it sounding so sweet, like it didn't feel like spitfire on her tongue. Like she didn't hate me for everything I did to her. Like we weren't having this conversation in the hospital where I learned she was going to die.

" Stop it Mira..."

"No...you stop." Her eyes silenced me. The look she gave turned every word I wanted to scream to lush, and I just let the tears fall down my face. I wished there was someplace to go, someone to turn to, to cry and release everything I felt inside. I didn't understand why Miranda, of all people, was chosing to be that one. " Come here Bryne...your shaking." I shook my head no, but I didn't stop myself from walking into her arms- letting them in circle me and usher out all the pain inside.

" What have I done."

" What anyone would do...just a bit more unethical." I would have laughed, joined in with her humor, but frankly- I didn't see much humor in the light of this situation. I saw misery, anger...death. " You didn't do anything but what came natural in your eyes...you fell in love Bryne. Should I hate you for wanting what makes you happy. For going after the same thing I found in you.."

" You don't know..." How did it become her consoling me? Miranda was the one who needed to be comforted, she needed the healing. Why was she offering it to me? It was then that I realized the reasons why I had fallen in love with her. She was so patient, so kind, unselfish and understanding- even if- even when she was dying inside. How could I hurt someone so good?

" I don't have to know..especially since you don't even have an idea. You have to be crazy to love...why else does it drive us insane?" I smiled against her shirt, despite myself, feeling the coils of anger release themselves of me. I sighed into her chest, allowed my arms to wrap themselves around her middle, and relished in the soft strokes she gave my hair.

" Are you scared?"

" I'm more afraid for you." I squeezed her middle for reassurance, felt her soft skin fold under my touch, but it didn't dissuade the uncertainty I felt. It was then that I realized, I had no clue what was going to happen next. I knew all along, but the realization of everything that happened was a blow that came hard.

" How can you be afraid for me...you're..."

" I'm not dead yet." she actually laughed, and as absurd as the moment was, I laughed with her. I don't think anyone else treated a death sentence with more poise, humor, or light heartedness. It was like all the problems just on the other side of her door didn't matter, it felt good to be with her and not be afraid of everything that I faced. " That Justin...he's a mocha." I blushed, choked on my embarassment, was appalled that my girlfriend was comparing the man I cheated on her with to her favorite treat. If anything was worth anything to Miranda, it was a mocha- and under different circumstances I would have been proud. " If you were going to leave me Mamas..it had to be for a mocha!" She laughed, squeezed me tighter, but when I looked in her eyes I saw the sadness.

" I'm so sorry Miranda....I won't leave you. Not now..not when..." I couldn't finish. It was without question that I would be there for Miranda. In light of everything that was going on, it was insane for me to even consider what future I had with anyone, when Miranda's was so limited.

"I won't let you hide behind me..or this disease. I know you'll be there for me Mamas...but that doesn't mean you stop living." I looked at her, and wished I could tell her just how much I've been living. How confused, how lost and uncertain I felt. She was the only thing in my life that had centered me for so long....

" I think I've lived too much...." As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt the remorse. I looked at her, and could tell instantly she didnt read any more into my words than what I had meant them to be.

" Well...don't stop on account for no one." Instead, her eyes held a certain intensity, a certain fire, that encouraged me to take charge of the crazy ride - even if it meant I always didn't do the right thing. Even if it meant I didn't do the expected, even if it meant taking extreme- life altering chances. " You can't ever live enough." We stayed, laying in our silence, Miranda slowly stroking my hair, while I wallowed in the serenity of our moment. Miranda loved with her whole heart, she took chances, she accepted mistakes and that's why I think it's so easy for her to understand- to forgive. I think I always knew this, but to appreciate it is something else. I might not know what the future holds, can't even fathom what will happen next, but I know it's important for me to cherish this loving moment- because you never know when it's your last.

Chapter 26

“Ms. James.” My heart skipped a beat at the sound of Tameka’s smooth voice interrupting my thoughts. I immediately lifted my eyes to the door in search of my secretary, but was easily distracted by the flashing red dot on my phone and the clearing of her voice from inside of it. She was on my speaker, and even after acknowledging this, it took me a minute for it to register. “ Ms. James!” I was quickly bolted back into reality, thankful for the reprimanding edge in Tameka’s voice that could not be ignored. I doubted any other professional management and personnel relationship mirrored what Tameka and I had, but it was our understanding…and she completely got that I was on another wavelength right now.

“ Yes Meek.”

“ You’ve got to snap out of it.” This of course was delivered with a grain of salt, I had no choice but to accept it. She was right on all accounts. I may have single handedly ruined our biggest account, and not to mention the entire extent of my personal life, and I couldn’t afford any more fuck ups.

“ Was there something you wanted.” I was embarrassed, which probably came off as pissy, but Tameka was used to it. I’d been pissy for the better part of a week now, which was really comprised of stress and borderline insanity. I didn’t know what to do when I didn’t see Justin sitting outside of Miranda’s door a week ago. What did I expect really? To walk out, rush into his arms and immediately be forgiven. There was a time when I would do anything for him to leave me alone, now..I can’t stand it.

“ If I didn’t work for you so help me….” I could hear the roll of her neck laced through her words, could almost see her hazel eyes narrowing into slits. I dropped my head into my hands and tried to erase the image of Justin walking towards me in that hospital hallway. I didn’t know he already knew. I didn’t even think that maybe one of the jackasses that had been following me ever since that day would snap a picture that would stand to ruin many lives. I couldn’t blame it on the paparazzi though, it was fucked up shit that I did…the whole world just happened to know about it. “ Look, I have some.. guy on the phone for you…”

“ I’m busy.”

“Don’t make me come in there.” Truth was I hadn’t touched a thing on my desk. I had actually been sitting behind the mess in front of me for the last two hours and forty-seven minutes and hadn’t lifted not one paper. I hadn’t moved since the first of the fifteen vendors hired for JC’s event called to complain about their check being reversed. Justin was funding this entire thing..and now…he wasn’t.

“ Is it a vendor?”

“ What do I look like a psychic?” I’m positive Tameka would have been fired by now , if this were any other PR firm and I was any other boss. I rolled my eyes, wondering for the hundredth time in the years since she’s worked here, what exactly her job entailed. I mean she doesn’t follow any of the rules I enforce, she only screens calls she wants to know about and when she goes to lunch, I sometimes don’t see her until the following morning. She is everything a personal assistant shouldn’t be, but I yet and still I keep her around.

“ I guess not…” I sighed and grabbed the receiver as I waited for her to patch the call through. I was just beginning to scan the paperwork on my desk when the voice on the other end abruptly ended my concentration.

“Hey..uh..Bryne?...This is Trace.” I attempted to swallow, I think I even unsuccessfully tried to draw a breath..but all that managed to escape me was an awful choking sound. Tears rimmed my eyes, for unknown reasons, and I dropped my lids so that they would not have a chance to escape.  It was the closest thing to hearing Justin on the other end of my receiver,  and though it was his best friend, my heart sighed nonetheless. “ Bryne…you okay?!”

“Yes..” I still sounded crazed, but it was a slight recovery. Pushing a strand of hair behind my left ear I inhaled deeply. “ Hi Trace…how are you?” I sounded professional, or at least that was how I wanted to sound. I didn’t know how to act, should I pretend that the past few months hadn’t happened. I realized I couldn’t, since there would be no other reason for Trace Ayala to call me.

“ I’m good Bry..” I closed my eyes at the nickname, pretended not to hear the regretful sigh on the other end. “ How are you?” He sounded genuinely concerned, which probably accounted for the tears now streaming down my face. I paused momentarily, covering the receiver hoping he couldn’t hear the pain that silently slipped down my face in hot wet tears.

“ Busy..” I couldn’t say fine, the lie would have sounded absurd at this point. I could only say what I was apart from sad, afraid and confused…busy.

“ I’m sorry about everything.” I hiccupped on a choking sob and cursed myself for this ridiculous display. I just didn’t cry, this was so not me. What in the hell happened to my strong front? Where in the hell had it disappeared to?

“ Is there… something I can… help you… with” I was better off just sobbing into the phone, it would have sounded less forced.  I was trying to stay professional, trying not to let the agony consume me, not like this at my office with Justin’s best friend on my line.

“ I didn’t mean to upset you…I…I can call you another time.” Or just not ever, I thought lamely. At this point I was thankful for the seclusion of my office, even more so for not opting to have a glass front for my door…no telling what Tameka’s reaction would be to all of this.

“ I have allergies..its..” why the hell was I bothering with this ridiculousness? I stopped myself and let the silence past between us, if only it could erase the last two minutes..months.

“ Bry…”

“ What can…I do for you Trace.” Justin’s face popped into my head, his heady laughter rang in my ears and it was like I felt his warmth all over again. There was no reason for my thoughts to have gone there at this moment, but away they went. Guilt, began welding inside of me, and suddenly I just wanted this conversation to be over.

“ I spoke to…I heard about the situation with the vendors for the release party and I apologize for the inconvenience. That is NOT how we handle business, so I just wanted to assure you that the checks will be paid, and you will still be receiving your bonus as promised.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was utterly speechless in thought and words. I hadn’t even considered the repercussions of everything I had done, how my career hung in the fucking balance, how the vendors that had grown to trust me were now being faced with bounced checks. I didn’t blame Justin, I even expected it. This, this I didn’t expect.

“ Listen.. I know things are fucked up..” Yes, that would be putting it lightly, I thought. “ REAL fucked up, but JC is my boy…and eventually..one day, J will remember that too. Besides, reniggin is bad business, and I don’t do bad business.” He was trying his hardest to make light of the situation. But I could only reflect on how I ruined a withstanding relationship between to friends..two business partners. I was thankful for Trace’s intervention, but I was to weighted with guilt to express it.

“ Yeah.” It was a lame answer, but it was the best I had. We said our goodbyes and then hung up, leaving me to the silence of my office. I thought about Justin, how I had broke everything that we had and whatever foundation it was set upon. I thought about never seeing him again, never talking to him or touching him again. I thought about never being able to tell him how much I truly loved him, even if I didn’t understand it or was to afraid to admit it. I thought about Miranda, how frail she looked the other night before she forced me out of her room. I thought about how the end could come so fast, and how little power I had to stop it. I thought about JC, his understanding, the friendship he offered and everything else he wanted. I thought about all this until I ran out of room, and then once again, began to cry to release them through my tears.  I was sobbing so loud I didn’t hear Tameka march in until I heard her mutter ‘Damn’ under her breath before coming around my desk to encircle me with her arms. I realized now, as I held on tight to her golden brown arms, why I kept her around.

“ What am I gonna do with you.” I felt the first ripple rip through my chest until the sound blurted from my mouth. It sounded so foreign, I almost didn’t recognize it. I held on tighter to her as I released even more, and realized I was no longer crying but laughing my heart out. I looked up at Tameka, and laughed louder at the crazed expression covering her features. Shortly, she joined in, and as I sat there being comforted by my secretary, I realized this couldn’t have been any other PR firm, and I any other boss,

I thought I could do this. I thought I could show up, see what my money paid for, and walk out like nothing even mattered. The shit was twisted, and I knew this even before I decided to fly Cameron out from Germany and show up at the ‘Red Door’. I certainly had no plans to show up with Trace, nobleman –my ass, I was still coming to terms with his grave decision to finance this whole circus- on my dime. Fuck that we had a business deal and all that shit, it was all thrown out the door the moment Bryne decided she could get away with fucking every party involved. They wanted to throw a fucking party, I’m here to get the shit started.

“ Baby…come here.” The door was open, I was about to be greeted by the first flashing camera, but Cameron had other plans as she pulled me further into the back seat of the limo. Her tongue brimmed across the top of my lip before moving towards my nose to erase the evidence of my motivation. I sniffed self consciously, the bridge of my nose still numb from the shit she brought back with her, and kissed her absently. I couldn’t even taste her in my mouth, didn’t even want to, but I did it anyway just to ignore the unease I felt settling over me as I listened to the hush whispers just outside our limo door. I felt the sweat on my brow as I pulled from her and pushed out of the car, straightening only to find Tameka standing at the door- her jaw scraping the walk.  Our eyes met, and a nervous heat rose within me. I could tell by the way she looked at me I wasn’t expected, and from the way her eyes shifted around, I could tell tonight was going to be that fucking night.

 “ Wassup.” I smirked, the confidence flooding in from nowhere as I felt Cameron slide into position alongside me. Tameka’s eyes slid slowly towards Cameron and narrowed before they returned to my greeting.

“ Mr. Timberlake.” Tameka lowered her eyes before forcing the words out as she knodded curtly towards the door man. My eyes flashed angrily towards the thick Italian guy, daring him to make one attempt to try and stop us. I was writing his fucking check, I was writing all their fucking checks,  should fucking say if they came or went!

“ Is there a problem?” I couldn’t help myself, I didn’t like the way his eyes sized me up. Anger boiled underneath the surface, barely sedating with the smooth hand Cameron placed on my chest or the soft kiss she left on the corner of my mouth.

“ Come on…” she purred, and I was reluctant to follow. Joe the fucking Italian sausage and I had a fucking score to settle and his ass was just one of the many on my fucking list tonight. I pushed passed him and through to the entrance, not even phased by the hanging lights or subtle music that beckoned me in. My eyes immediately scanned the scene, sweat forming on my fucking brow as I searched for her. Bryne. I hadn’t laid eye on her since that day in the hospital, since that day I found out…not even good ass blow could keep me from wanting to see her. Fuck.

“ Go grab us a table.” The crowd was heavy, moving in sync with the music, swaying back and forth like a sea of musical ornaments. My mind was fucking lifted, my eyes intent on finding the one person I didn’t need to see, and I needed a moment. I didn’t even wait for her to agree as I moved away from her and headed towards the stage. It was empty, the lights barely on, and I could tell I hadn’t missed the featured act. I recognized too many faces as I pushed through the masses, ducking everyone that tried to grab my attention, ignoring the eyes that questioned my appearance. I didn’t give a fuck about protocol or all that bullshit Trace tried to drum in my head about this fucked up situation, it was my fucking party that I could crash if I fucking wanted to.

“ Justin.” The hiss laced through the crowd and found my ears before my eyes could even focus on the flame of red curls moving purposefully towards me. I think I smiled, or something like it, I couldn’t tell…my lips felt fucking numb.

 “ What…are you doing here?” Willow grabbed my arm, and pulled me the opposite direction, moving me towards a darkened corner on the other side of the room.

 “ I fucking paid for this shit….”

“ Are you fucking serious right now??” Willow was some fucking genius, or she just knew me like the back of her fucking hand. She always caught my bluffs, always killed my highs, and saw no qualms in doing all of the above tonight.

“ Where’s your girl?” I looked around, couldn’t find her and felt that nervous heat rise to the collar of my shirt. Where the fuck was she?

“ Justin don’t do this right now.” Willow warned, her eyes pleading with me, and it was then that it dawned on me that my fucking best friends were rallying against me. How the fuck did Bryne pull Trace and Willow out of all of this? I was the one she screwed over, and she got the fucking mod squad??

“ What the fuck Willow..she screwing you too?” I didn’t even care to address the hurt that registered on her face. I talked to anyone any way I wanted, all but two people. One was at home in Memphis probably trying to call me, the other standing directly in front of me with tears brimming her eyes. I was too fucked up to care, or at least…I wanted to be.

“ Fuck you J.” Willow pushed hard against my chest and turned to storm off into the sea of people, no doubt hiding the tears she didn’t want me to see. Fuck. Let her cry, maybe then she’d stop rallying for the wrong fucking team. I pushed off the wall and decided a drink was in order. The night was becoming lamer than expected and I had a high to keep up. Luckily the old man wasn’t behind the bar, but some busty brunette. Her eyes flashed recognition, and for the first time- it seemed that night- someone besides Cameron fucking smiled at me.

“ What can I get you?”

“ Something hard.” I liked the way she licked her lips, even more how she leaned over the bar to pour me a straight shot of Stoli. She watched me throw it back, and poured another before I could even get the shot glass on the bar. “ Jesse.” She offered me her hand, but all I could see was her chest, and damn near missed the chance to shake it.

“ Justin.”

“ Oh I know.” She leaned down even lower to grab another glass to pour me a double. As the liquor caroused down my throat, I felt the familiar nostalgia of my high reignite and felt quite obliged to thank the buxom beauty. I had just placed my glass on the bar when I saw her, directly across from me, her eyes dancing with uncertainty as she stood there staring back at me. I was held in the moment, my thoughts trailing off to places I hadn’t wanted them to go, that anxious sweat resurfacing under my collar- the thickness of it clogging my throat. I watched her, watching me, and was instantly taken back to that morning in my hotel room..that magazine crumbled in hand, that brokenness that flooded me...even now.

“  You okay.” I completely forgot Jesse was talking to me, completely forgot why I was even there and for what purpose. Then his hand came around her side, his lips touched the smooth skin of her neck, and the anger rose slowly as a reminder. JC’s hand closed around the thin material of her silk green dress and it was like the pain I had misplaced so well came rushing forth like a fucking hurricane.

 “ Yeah.” My eyes lifted from his hand and found hers again, discarding the plead I found in them. I swallowed hard and moved towards them, not sure if I had the restraint to keep myself from being thrown under the jail tonight. JC didn’t see me until I  was only a few feet away from them, his eyes clouded with protectiveness as his hand moved to push Bryne behind him. I stopped short, barely a foot away from them and waited for my reaction. I didn’t have one, couldn’t think of one thing to say, couldn’t take my eyes of Bryne. She moved from behind JC, biting her lip indecisively, her eyes searching mine for any warning… I didn’t offer her anything…I couldn’t.

“ Justin. This is not the place…” I hadn’t even looked at JC. The man I called my brother, the man I fronted so that his career could have the chance to take flight. He kissed Bryne…he went after the only woman I ever claimed, the only one I ever wanted. I had no fucking respect for him, no fucking words…  

This was not the fucking place. 

Where the hell did he come off? Was it his fucking place to kiss Bryne? Was it his fucking place to have the balls to stand in front of me and tell me when the fuck I should react to the fucked up shit he’s into? My fucking place was whatever the fuck I felt like it being, and right now I felt like getting some fucking answers.

“ So whose better Bry..me, him or Miranda?” I wanted to hit below the fucking belt, so low that her fucking bottom dropped out, until the absurdity of the question matched the pain of having to ask it in the first place.

 “ Don’t do this Justin…” What the fuck was she whispering for? She didn’t want all her clients and potential clients to know about her dirty laundry? She should have thought about that shit before tonguing down JC in the middle of a fucking hotel dining room.

 Hotel dining room.

The magazine said they were in a hotel dining room, somewhere in Pennsylvania. Why the fuck were they in a hotel dining room in some shitty town in Pennsylvania?

 “ Why were you there?” It didn’t even register. Didn’t even dawn on me until now, that this shit was deeper than I thought. I looked from his hand, to her eyes, in that instant I knew what I didn’t even want to ask.

“ Justin, we can settle this…” JC started, but I left him no room to continue.

“ Your fucking kidding me right now B.” I was laughing, I was laughing because it was all I could do not to fucking cry. The image of his hands, over her, his mouth…kissing her…JC…inside of her. No fucking drug was capable of erasing this pain, no fucking high was more powerful than this shit. Fuck me…JC fucked her.

 “ Justin…” I didn’t want her to say my name. Not like that, not like she was begging me to understand, to forgive her for the fucked up shit I’m just now starting to put together. My head was spinning, my fist was tight, my jaw fucking tense as a mothafucker. JC fucked her . I couldn’t stop the image, and it was eating at me. Eating at what little sanity I had left, tearing at what little pride I walked in here with

.“ You fucked her?” Several eyes turned towards us, I could hear the hush fall over the crowd surrounding us. I didn’t give a fuck. Someone was gonna answer me, someone was gonna have the fucking balls to tell me right here..right now. JC’s eyes lowered and I wanted to fucking kill him. Fucking coward couldn’t even look at me. “ You fucked her.” I repeated, more as a statement, drawing complete attention from every nearby patron. I had to give it to the crowd, it was one interesting ass conversation…one I’d never thought I’d be having. The Justin Timberlake, fucked over by his best man and a lesbian he fell in love with. What are the fucking odds? “ Shit was good wasn’t it.” There was no way a fucking tear was brimming, I’d shit bricks before the day I cry over this bullshit. Bryne thought I was a fucking bastard before…her ass was in for a rude awakening.

 “ Justin please.” She had the fucking nerve to cry. The fucking audacity to stand there, and fucking shed tears. That shit used to get me, kept me fucking up at night thinking about how I could take all that from her. I wanted all her tears, I wanted to carry whatever fucking weight she held on her shoulders..and in turn she fucks one of my best friends?? She fucking threw me for real.

“ Lie to me B…tell me you didn’t fuck him.” I don’t remember a time I ever wanted something to be so true. I waited, watched her face twist in raw emotion, her body withdraw in defeat. “ Fucking tell me B…”

“ I can’t…” My heart broke, fucking fell right out of me. I knew it before she even said anything, but what the fuck was I to do now? How the fuck do you deal with shit like this?  Couldn’t even laugh, couldn’t even mask the pain…

“ J…it’s cool man. Let’s grab Cam and go.” There Trace was, standing just in front of me. I could see Willow, her eyes glassed over with tears and anger, just behind Trace covering her mouth. Willow didn’t cry for anyone, seeing her now, I understood that her tears were my pain. Her warning was my heed. “Come on man…”

For a moment, I felt my fist clash against JC’s jaw, felt my blood pump in anticipation, felt the emptiness that would still remain and decided against it. I had given them too much, given her all that I had. Now, I just didn’t have anymore.

“ Your not even worth it.” At that moment, she might have felt the brunt of my pain. I saw it flash across her face, just before I moved passed her. Felt it as I followed Trace into the crowd and into the hushed whispers. Released it… as my head fell against the limo seat and floated away from the pain that remained.

Strictly Business

Chapter 28

The silence was deafening.

 It filled the empty space until I felt nothing but the silent tears streaming down my face. I would have thought I’d be numb to tears by now, would of thought I’d be used to their salty taste slipping into my mouth. Surely by now I had run out, but I hadn’t. I must have come equipped with a reserve tank for tears, because they hadn’t stopped…not since that night of the release party…not now, as I stood alone in our apartment…Miranda’s apartment…hours after her funeral. I couldn’t bear to look around me, couldn’t stand that feeling of loneliness that filled me and complimented this harsh silence.  I needed to breathe. I couldn’t remember the last time I exhaled, and felt release from this nightmare that just won’t go away. I wanted to scream, lash out, and feel something other than these damn tears that continued to drag down my face. Miranda’s gone. The fact had yet to register within me. It was like any moment she would open the door behind me and embrace me, pull me against her and kiss softly against me neck.  Like she had so many times before, she would accept my guilt, squeeze away my pain and not once feel anger towards me. So selfless…Miranda was..so selfless. I couldn’t even honor her memory, not even now; I couldn’t gather enough strength to feel anything. I felt weak…disgusted. My knees were giving way, so I backed against the door and let my body slide against the frame. I ached to react, to do something more than stare into the darkness and wish for it. I leaned my head against the frame and opened my mouth. If I couldn’t scream, I’d release the hot air of frustration and remorse that welded inside of me. If I couldn’t make a sound, I’d will myself to breathe. I closed my eyes, not sure if I was ready to face the image of Miranda smiling back at me. But there she was, like she’d always been…and with no surprise, I felt the comfort her presence always gave me. I felt the pressure pushing against the numbness inside of me, and I opened my eyes to close Miranda off. I didn’t deserve relief. I had no right to be comforted. I had every reason to feel the void welding inside of me, to face all this alone and be tortured with guilt. This was my punishment and I deserved to feel every infraction. It was without question that I’d come here alone, I couldn’t stand to be near anyone else…not even Tameka- the only person in the world I hadn’t betrayed.  She had that knowing look of concern, that nearly everyone in attendance donned, and followed me until I slammed the yellow cab door in her face and peeled away. I had shown up alone to the funeral grounds, warding off JC who waited on the other side of the grassy knoll…watching from afar. He didn’t want me to go alone, had spent Miranda’s last few weeks sitting outside her door waiting for me until finally Miranda called him in. I thought I had awkward moments in my life, especially in the last few months, but expected that moment to be the MOST awkward. Naturally it wasn’t. Miranda welcomed JC, instructed him to look after me and gave her approval without even being asked to. From that point forward, JC stayed by my side until the end.  In many ways I was thankful for that, it gave me no opportunity to address the issue of Justin with Miranda. I couldn’t deal with it, I didn’t want her to say what I didn’t have the strength to accept. I think she knew that, in fact I know she understood. I needed JC, for every reason I couldn’t want Justin.  I needed JC’s stability, his unconditional love, his strength which balanced out my weakness.  JC was my strong arm, the gentleness I cherished.  The gentleness I needed.

 Justin.

The familiar heat began to rise within me, I bit down hard on my mouth and willed him out of my thoughts. I couldn’t face them right now…Justin was another kind of torture I’d take on a different day. Even as I tried to resist, I could feel the stir inside of me. I hated it, cursed it, for everything that it threatened.  My resolve was only strong without him. I couldn’t mourn for Miranda or find peace in JC with Justin present in my thoughts. He wasn’t good for me, I made my decision… as I like to see it. It was inevitable, that night of the release party. I needed to break away from him. There was no resolving all that happened. Sitting here now, I beg myself not to think about his last words…that last look, that final moment that slithered all ties between us. I hated feeling, much worse… I hated knowing that I loved him. I couldn’t love Justin, I wouldn’t allow myself to. No matter what Miranda had said, no matter how understanding she had been, it wasn’t right. She didn’t deserve that, and now…neither does JC. I hover in the maddening silence of my tormenting thoughts, and grow numb to the warm tears trickling down my face.