The rain fell hard against my window. Sighing, I stood up from my bed and glanced outside, straight across the yard at her window. For twenty years, she has lived next door to me and become the other half of me. My best friend. She’s the only part of my life that has ever made any sense to me.
Until now. I don’t know when it happened, or how it happened, but somewhere along the line, I fell in love with her. I couldn’t just tell you that I woke up one morning and I realized that I craved her smile or the way she laughs when she really thinks you’re funny. I don’t think it’s as simple as that. It’s not even like I get to see her all the time. I’ve been on the road and on tour with the boys, spending just about no time at home with my family. She comes to visit us on the road, and each time she hugs me to say goodbye, I just want to pull her even closer and kiss her until she can’t breathe, but still looks up at me wanting more.
But I don’t. I take the easy road and I hole myself up in my room and write romantic songs in hopes that maybe, someday, she’ll see me as something other than the slightly awkward, skinny guy that she used to sneak into R-rated movies with. Because at the end of the day, I could sell 20 million records and have the number one hit song in the country with NSYNC, but she still knows me as Josh. And that’s why I love her.
**
The haunting melody I created earlier in the afternoon played through my mind on repeat as I flipped through a copy of Sports Illustrated Tyler left on the coffee table. How was I supposed to care about how the Redskins season was going when she was coming over for dinner tonight? She was the very reason for the melody and lyrics that seemed to pour out of me in the studio this morning, and the worst part was… she had no idea.
I heard a car door slam and her footsteps walking up the front sidewalk. As the doorbell rang, I walked slowly to the door, opening it to reveal her.
“Hi babe,” she smiled, walking past me to remove her black and pink dotted boots. Ever since we were younger, she always collected those ridiculous plastic rain boots and tried to coordinate them with every outfit she owned, which always drove me crazy. I shook my head and laughed.
“You’re 25 years old and still wearing polka dotted rain boots, Kaitlyn.”
She smirked up at me as she playfully hit my chest.
“Shut up! You threw my favorite pair of orange and pink striped rain boots out the window of your jeep along the highway… I should STILL be mad at you.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I gasped and smiled, feigning innocence.
She laughed, her sweet lilting voice filling my ears. I smiled, drawing her in for a hug.
“How was your day at work, Parker?” I asked, taking in the sweet smell of jasmine and honeysuckle that seemed to radiate off her body. Closing my eyes, I could imagine burying my head in her neck, getting my fingers all tangled up in her long blonde hair while she planted soft kisses down along my jaw and shoulder.
I closed them tighter. I couldn’t get started now… not when she was standing here in front of me!
She rested her head on my chest, sighing.
“The kids were off the wall today,” she stated softly. She was going into her second year as a third grade teacher here in Bowie.
“The rain,” I murmured, letting my fingers get tangled in her hair. God, if I could do this all day and all night, I’d be the happiest man in the world.
She shook her head slightly. “Not just that,” she continued. “All day long they kept yelling out its 11/11 Ms. Parker! It’s 11:11 on 11/11...”
I laughed quietly, looking down at her, “Well did you make a wish?”
She looked up at me and started to giggle. “Sometimes I think you’re about as mature as my kids, Josh,” she replied with a grin.
I shrugged, flashing her a cute smile. “I try, Ms. Parker, what else can I say?”
“How about let’s eat? I’m starving. The kids definitely wore me out today,” she replied.
I’ll show you what it’s really like to be worn out. Shit. I need to stop.
“Mmhm… well I’m starving too, it was a long day in the studio.”
**
We sat around the kitchen table like we had so many times before. We swapped stories of what we’ve been up to—I told her the latest stories of what had been going on in the studio and on the road, and she had told me all about what was going on in the neighborhood and with her class. I couldn’t help but really watch her closely as we talked. The way she exaggerated her stories with her hands, or the way when she smiled, there was the formation of one dimple on the left hand side of her mouth. I’ve seen so many of these things before, but they all seemed to make her even more beautiful to me.
She poured the last of the bottle of red wine in my glass.
“It’s really good to get to see you again, Chasez.”
I smiled, taking a sip. “It’s always good to see you, Parker.”
She sighed softly as she held her glass up to mine. “To us…”
I continued, “…to the other half of me… without you I don’t know who I’d be today.”
She smiled, tapping her glass against mine. If only she knew what I really meant…
Just as our glasses tapped together, I heard the whipping of the wind, and the faint beep of the microwave as the lights flickered off. Fuck!
I grunted, getting up and walking to Mom’s pantry, pulling out her long black flashlight. I flipped it on, aiming it in Kait’s direction. “You alright?”
She laughed. “The lights shut off, Josh.”
I shot her a dirty look. “No shit, Sherlock.”
Sitting back at the table, I finished my glass of wine, watching her as she too finished her glass. It’s now or never, I decided.
I tell her tonight, or I spend the rest of my time at home with this feeling nagging away at me. She doesn’t feel the Kaite, and I’m hurt for the rest of my life. But if she does…
Taking a deep breath, I gripped the flashlight and stood up again.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, looking up at me with concerned eyes.
I walked over to her, holding out my hand to her.
“Come to the living room with me, I’ve got something I want you to have.”
She nodded, taking my hand. I sighed as she interlocked her fingers with mine. Never had I met a woman who had fingers that fit so perfectly within my own.
We walked through the back door of the kitchen back to the living room. She sat on the couch with the flashlight, her fingers leafing through the very Kaite pages of Sports Illustrated I had restlessly read through earlier awaiting her arrival. I walked over to the hall closet, pulling out a bag and a book of matches. I lit several candles around the room, their soft glow casting shadows on her face.
“Nice mood lighting,” she remarked, looking up at me with a little smirk,
“Justin and Joey must be teaching you a thing or two about romance…hmm?”
“Shut up!” I replied with a laugh, placing the bag on her lap.
“I should take back this gift on the account that you’re so mean to me.”
Opening it, she uncovered a pair of pink plaid Burberry rain boots.
“Josh!” she gasped with a smile. “These are… how did you know I’ve always wanted them?”
“You’re the goddess of rain boots, Kait,” I laughed. “I picked them up for you in England.”
She jumped up off the couch, wrapping her arms around me tightly. “You’re the best!”
Again with the honeysuckle and jasmine. Shit.
“I know,” I grinned, “But… that’s not it.”
I reached for her hand pulling her with me to the armchair next to the ivory baby grand piano. “Sit down…”
She nodded, sitting down and crossing her legs, glancing up at me questioningly.
“Did you write me a song, Joshie?”
I felt my cheeks redden as I sat at the bench, rolling my eyes at the childish nickname. “Just listen.”
She seemed taken aback by my sudden seriousness, leaning forward to watch me. “Okay…”
As the lights flickered back on, I took a deep breath and let my fingers hit the keys. The melody that poured out of my soul was once again being set free, but this time for the ears of the one person that mattered.
Who could know the emptiness inside
Everytime I see your face
Too many feelings left behind
Do you wonder why I turn away when you look at me
Never wanting your eyes to see
This desperate heart that knows how perfect we could be
Baby cause you don't know how I feel
Living my life without you
Baby and you don't know what it's like
Loving you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Risking it all on a chance
And now when I need you the most
You don't know
All I ever wanted in this world
Baby I've found in you
I never felt this way before but I can't break through
And now I lie awake, alone at night
So afraid now to close my eyes
With just one more dream of you I'll carry here inside
Baby cause you don't know how I feel
Living my life without you
Baby and you don't know what it's like
Loving you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Risking it all on a chance
And now when I need you the most
You don't know
And I would hold you all through the night
I would stay right by your side, baby
And I'd give you the world if your love was mine
Now baby could it be I'm only dreaming
Don't let it pass me by
Baby cause you don't know how I feel
Living my life without you
Baby and you don't know what it's like
Loving you all this time
I'll give you all my love, heart and soul
Risking it all on a chance
And now when I need you the most
You don't know
I felt the tears clouding my eyes. Fuck. This was NOT the time to look like a wimp in front of her… I continued to play a few chords as I glanced off to the side to see her staring at me with wide eyes.
I shook my head. “I… I’m s-so sorry…” I stammered, running up the stairs to my room.
I just laid my heart out on the line for her, and she just stares at me?
I stood in the doorway of my room, staring into the full-length mirror at my reflection. The tears stung at my eyes as I began to think about what a blubbering idiot she must think I am, writing these romantic songs for her. I can’t believe I ever fell in love with her in the first place and ruined the best friendship of my life. I can’t believe I—
“Josh?” her voice called out as her figure appeared behind my reflection.
I quickly rubbed my eyes and stared at her through the mirror.
God, she was so beautiful it made my heart hurt.
“Hmm?”
“Was that song… about me?” she whispered, moving closer to me.
I closed my eyes tight, inhaling a sharp breath before I turned to face her.
“Kaitlyn…” I started, just barely trusting my own voice as I looked down at her.
She stared back at me, her blue eyes filling with tears.
“Josh… you can tell me anything…”
I reached for her hand, taking it in mine. “You… are beautiful, Kait. I have never in my life met someone that gets me the way that you do… that makes my heart beat like crazy like you do when you smile at me… I’ve fallen in love with you and hard, and I don’t know how but I never want this feeling to stop.”
A smile played at the corners of her mouth as she interlocked our fingers.
“Josh...” she began as she wiped tears from her eyes with her other hand, “You are an incredible man and I’ve always said that the girl that gets you is going to be the luckiest woman in the world.”
“That’s just it, Kaitlyn,” I said softly, looking down into her eyes, “I don’t want any other woman. I just want—no—I need you. No one else out there can cut it for me.”
Before she could say anything , I cupped her face and went in, taking her lips against mine in a soft and passionate kiss. Never in my life had I ever experienced anything like the surge of electricity that seemed to overtake my body.
I heard her moan softly as she deepened the contact, softly sucking on my lips. I pulled her closer, desperately craving the feel of her body next to mine.
Slowly pulling my lips away from hers, I whispered softly, “I love you Kaitlyn Parker.”
She smiled as she kissed me again softly. “It’s what I wished for…” she whispered.
I looked down at her curiously. “What you wished for?”
She nodded, resting her hand on my chest as she whispered, “It’s 11/11… make a wish…”
Grinning, I wrapped my arms tightly around her, pulling her in for another kiss and becoming absolutely intoxicated by the smell of jasmine and honeysuckle.