Part 1 Courtship - Meet Cute (Sometime after the Disney Special)

The CD slowly revolved to an end.  Normally after taking a sedative I was out before  “Sailing” even seared my heart.  That night I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own, so I acted as if I took the pill and then used it to fertilize the plants.  I blinked up at my bunk, sighing at the three men that meant the most in my life.  One I hadn’t met yet and the other two were far from me.  I didn’t believe that I would ever be with any of them again.  I certainly wouldn’t be if I didn’t get out of this hell hole that they called a psychiatric hospital.  

At the time my heart was so scarred that I scoffed at group therapy.  I had been in these situations before and I had two choices and a third if I got desperate.  I could give them what they wanted.  I could be cooperative saying the words they wanted to hear.  I could wall myself up so they would leave me alone.  Or I could plot my eventual escape.  As my stomach returned to normal and the ache in my throat disappeared I was seriously considering the latter.  But the only problem with that was obvious.  I had nowhere to go.  I wasn’t about to go home.  That was the reason I was here.  I wasn’t going to my grandparents.  They didn’t understand.  Somehow I always felt a deep sense of shame there.  There were too many restrictions.  For the same reason, I balked at foster care.  It always seemed that I was walking from a bad situation to a worse one when DFS got involved.  

Getting well wouldn’t help me; however I couldn’t stand the confines of the institution.  The regular hours, meals and structure was stifling.  I was getting bored with the same four white walls that were beginning to close in on me.  The snoring and cackling of my roommate didn’t help any.  The person with the bunk above me was crazier than I was.  Knowing a nurse would walk me back and sedate me, I paused before leaving the room.  However I needed air.  I needed a moment to think.  I had to get my head on straight or I would be finding myself without choices again.  

I slipped out quietly into the shadows of the hall.  Luckily I had timed things adequately.  Someone was having a meltdown in the next hall and reinforcements were needed.  I only had a few minutes till security would come for me, but I was going to make the most of it.  I punched in the code; I saw the nurse hit to get myself out to the grounds.  Instead of heading to the gates and freedom I walked up to the pond.  This was too easy.  I sat for a couple hours simply skipping rocks across it and thinking.

“There you are Amy.” The doctor stated calmly.

“Took you long enough Doc.  I thought this was a high class joint.” I sarcastically quipped not taking my eyes off the pond.

The doctor was calm at my lack of respect and simply explained what he allowed to happen.  “I saw you go out and I stopped the nurses from going after you.”

That got my attention.  Doctors were always over medicating me and locking me up, not allowing me to wander as I wanted.  Slowly I swiveled my head towards him and asked him searchingly.  “Why?”

He shrugged, not wanting to give away any of the secrets of this mysterious trade.  “I wanted to observe you.”

That comment angered me and I closed off again facing the pond.   I muttered to myself almost incoherently.  “So I am in a fucking fish bowl?”

“No Amy, I wanted to figure out why the hell you are still here.  You are not sick, wounded but not sick.”  His voice was getting more passionate.  It was as if he wanted to drag me back from whatever mountain I was willing to throw myself from.

I laughed darkly at his drive.  Sardonically I snapped.  “You’re holding the papers Doc, not me.”

He sighed.  His frustration with me was evident in his brow.  “You are not helping me out here Amy.  What can I do?”

I shrugged.  “I don’t know doc.  It is confusing me too.”  

“You hate it here, yet you aren’t going anywhere.  Why?” He probed wanting to get from me the real reason I was here.

At this point I was frustrated.  He had my file.  He should have the answers, not me.  “Where do I have to go Doc?”  I cried without a tear shedding.

He grinned.  “You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.”

That statement confused me.  Am I smart?  I was here.  How could I possibly be smart if I spent my life in a place like this.  “I am not smart.  I have been in special classes since I was six.”

“Not because you can’t do it Amy.  The educational system is as confused about you as the medical system and social services.  You are on that bubble age wise that is truly no man’s land.”  He ran his hand through his balding hair.

This intrigued me.  He was thinking up something.  It sounded like he was actually going to help me.  I turned towards him.  He had gotten my attention.  “What are you saying doc?”

“I am saying you need your own life.  I am saying screw all the systems.”  He looked at me as if he was a co-conspirator not a doctor.

Somehow his profanity rang false to me.  He was one of them.  Officials didn’t help children in my shoes, they just made it worse.  “And how can I do that when they have been doing that to me all my life?”  I asked, trying to bite back the tears.

He smiled confidently again.  “There's your intelligence again.  When I tested you, it was 130.  I was shocked at how high it was.”

“Library wouldn’t kick me out, Doc.  It was easy to get lost in the stacks for a day or two.” I quipped arrogantly.

He started engaging me in conversation about the books I had checked out.  I grew weary of it.  “If it is all the same to you doc I am going to bed.”

“Take a sedative when you go in.  I will leave you.” He left me there to simply think.  As the chill of the pond made me shudder I went back in.  Knowing what would happen if I attempted to sleep without the sedative I followed doctor’s orders as I slipped back into my room.

The next day was rather boring.  I sat on my bed reading, intentionally skipping the appointment.  Doc came barging into my room. He was pissed.  He chucked a book at me.  It was GED for Dummies.  Then a folder came flying my way.

“You have two weeks, Amy, before someone else needs to occupy that bed.  Before I can sign your walking papers you need to do three things for me.  1.  You are to take the GED.  2. You are to fill out that application to NYU.  And 3.  There’s a Wal-Mart application as well. With freedom comes responsibility, young lady and I would like to see you step up to the plate.”

“What about group therapy?”

“I don’t care Amy as long as you are taking your medications.”  

I hid my smile at the revelation, but poked a little more to figure out what the hell was going on. “There are five more months till the fall term.”

“I contacted your grandparents.  They will keep you until then.”

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t want to stay there.  But what choice did I have? I was being kicked out.  But there was an end to it.  And summer was the busiest time on the farm. The regulations wouldn’t be too bad if I helped out some.  I was going to be free slave labor.  Oh well life could be worse.

The time passed rather quickly and before I knew it the results were back from the computerized test.  I aced the thing and was able to place on some AP tests.  I had 12 hours under my belt.  The acceptance letter came as quickly as I sent it and I had a phone interview with Wal-Mart.  My spot as a stocker for the fall was secure.  I packed up my bags, happy to leave the institution behind. Doc came to see me out.

“You should have told me it was your birthday Amy.”

“Your walking papers are present enough , Doc.”

“I called your mom and told her how well you were doing.  She sent you these in the mail.  She says it is from your brother.”

I looked through the package.  “What’s the catch?”

“I don’t believe there really is one but I could be wrong.”

“What the heck?  Two less weeks living at the farm.”  I sighed looking over the train tickets and the vouchers for 5 Broadway shows.  In addition there was a 7 day stay at the New York Hilton.  I smiled.  This was the best gift I had ever gotten.  With the 500 dollars Brian sent me, I would be set.

For the first time in my life I was really free and I liked it a lot.  I spent the days exploring and the nights at shows.  I desperately wanted to stay longer to get to know the city I was going to call my home over the next four years.  Though I knew my summer plans.  With all my money gone there was not much else I could do.  At least by helping with the haying I would earn some extra money for the school year.  That way I wouldn’t be completely destitute when I walked into classes my first day.  

The week had gone so fast.  I barely had time to absorb it all.  I didn’t like being cooped up in my hotel room so I went to the lobby to journal.  It was a little bit hard to find a seat.  I wondered briefly why the lobby was so full, but I blew it off.  It was getting so crowded and loud that I couldn’t think.  I grabbed my backpack and was going to head back upstairs to get my jacket before I made a foray into Central Park.  It was then that I saw the elf of a man.  I barely recognized him.  He was surrounded by some big black guys and the girls started screaming.  It was ear splitting.  I cringed at it as I navigated myself through the crowd to get to the elevators.  Unfortunately, it was in the general direction of a guy that appeared to look like Chris and one of his friends were heading.  

“Miss, you need to step back.”  The guard said gruffly to me.

“I was just heading to the elevator.”  I said not really sure what was going on or what the big deal was.

“You can take the next one.” He offered to push me aside.

Chris looked up at the time and grabbed my arm.  “It is alright Dre.  She is with me.”  

Dre raised his eyes and snorted.  “Little young Kirkpatrick” Later I would find it was common practice for Chris to pick a girl out to take upstairs for the fun of it.

Chris grinned goofily.  “Nah man it ain't like that.  She’s my best friend’s little sister.”

Things were happening too fast as I was pushed and pulled to the elevator.  I could hear the yelling and cursing from some of the fans.  I didn’t realize yet how enviable my position was.

Once the elevator closed Chris let go of me.  “Sorry about that little one but we needed to get out of the situation quickly.  It gets crazier out there every day.”

I nodded, taking him in.  Not sure what I was really seeing in front of me.  It had been awhile since I had seen Chris.  

“So I see.”  I got quiet.  I didn’t know how to talk to this man any more.  He was the one that deserted me.

“Where’s my hug and smile Little One?” He grinned at me lopsided.

“What makes you expect I will give you one Topher?”  I argued back.

He chuckled, and dragged me in his arms.“Because I know you can’t resist me baby girl.”

I sighed.  I was safe and protected.  All my good memories of childhood were tied up in this man and my older brother.

He released me and took a second look.  “You really have grown up Amy.  I almost didn’t recognize you.  Had it not been for a couple of Brian’s pictures;  I know I wouldn’t have.  Your letters dropped off some time last year. What happened?” He questioned.

It had begun.  I just stepped back into his life, but I was not ready to face the inquisition quite yet.  So, I snapped.  “You don’t want to know.”  

“Tell me.  Let me make it better.”  He coaxed in a tone that he only used with me when I was being stubborn.

“Wild Turkey doesn’t mix with antidepressants and painkillers.”   I sarcastically commented to throw him off the true scent of what was going on.  It was the gist of things with no reasons behind it.

He sighed, and I could read the disappointment in his eyes as he inquired.  “How long were you in this time?”

“Why should you care?  You are just going to tell Brian.”  I was being a snot, but I wasn’t able to deal with the lecture.

“Like he doesn’t already know.  You had better call him soon.”  He reminded me.

Like that was going to happen.  “You are not my keeper. Chris, you can’t tell me what to do.” I asserted in that tone that was truly juvenile.

We were heading for a yelling match when Justin interrupted.  I hadn’t really noticed him. I was too focused on Chris.

“Are you going to introduce me to your friend Chris?”  Justin asked softly.  There was a little humor in his voice, and what I would easily recognize later as lust in his eyes.

Chris obviously knew that look.  “No, Justin.”

“Fine, then you will just be in my doghouse too.”  He stepped in front of Chris.  “Justin Timberlake, pleased to meet you.  And your name is?”

I smiled at him as he held my hand softly.  “Amy.”

“Well, Amy, we have a show tonight.  Do you have tickets yet?”  He raised his eyebrow suggestively.

“No, I didn’t even know you guys were in town until just now.”  I said, trying to search through my mind for records of their concert dates.  It must have been an added one since the last Bop magazine I read.  You kind of are out of the pop culture loop when in mental institutions.  

Justin smiled sweetly and turned on the Timberlake charm.  “Well, in that case I will reserve some seats for you in VIP.  You can be my date to the party afterwards.”  

“Justin, I think you are pushing a little far.”  Chris suggested.

Justin shrugged.  “I was just being nice.  Nothing is going to happen except a good show and a rocking party.”

Chris protectively placed his arms over me.  “Better not fro boy, she is under age.”

“What is making you such a killjoy all of a sudden?” Justin asked.

“She’s off limits.  Get that through your head right now.”  Chris stated firmly.

“Ignore him Justin.  He is just being an overprotective bulldog.  I will be happy to go to the concert and the party afterward with you.”  I smiled.  

 

He had yet to release my hand.  “I will like that a lot Amy.  I will see you tonight.  Just come back stage after the show and you can hang out in the green room until we are ready to go.”

Chris squawked and grumbled.  I knew he was going to talk to Justin later that night.  I was not going to make it damper my evening. Justin was cute and he was asking me out.  I was not about to say no.  As the elevator rose to my floor Chris stopped me.

“We will have dinner tonight and discuss the ground rules further Amy.”  He instructed in that arrogant fatherly tone of his.

“I am not a child Chris.”  I whined, but I wanted to scream it at him.  Why was he being so damned overbearing?

“You don’t know what you are walking blindly into.  I want you to be more aware.”  He stately simply, not wanting to take the bait of my taunts and tantrums.

I sighed and gave in, he wouldn’t give up.  “Fine, I am staying in room 493.  I will see you when?”

“4:30. don’t be late, we are heading straight to sound check after that.”  He warned with a warm smile.

I nodded and went to my room.  The first thing I did when I closed the door behind me was scream.  It was all too good to be true.  I couldn’t for the life of me believe that this was happening to me.  I had just under an hour to decide what to wear.  I dug through my suitcase for something appropriate.  I was not seeing anything that was acceptable and I didn’t have time or for that matter money for shopping.  I settled for a dress I had worn to the Lion King two nights before.  I had gotten it dry cleaned so all it needed was a little pressing and I would be set.  I knew Chris wouldn’t like it.  But Justin on the other hand would possibly enjoy it.  I couldn’t figure out Justin but who was I to question.  At the very least he was just being nice.  If I was lucky he might have something more on his mind.

What the hell was I thinking?  Justin was a fucking pop star.  There was no way in hell he would be interested in me.  I had to resign myself to that fact and just enjoy the evening for what it was.  Justin probably did stuff like this all the time. I was by no means special to him.  And even if he was interested, Chris was going to put an end to that.  Justin told me later that Chris did take him down.  He let me go because he knew that if he had pursued me in the manner he wanted, Chris would demand a fierce commitment.  One he was not prepared to give.

Despite what I knew about the situation, I wanted to look my best.  I showered, shaved and then messed with my makeup.  After I got dressed I curled my hair a little bit.  I was not satisfied with the picture in front of me.  But what choice did I have? Chris was knocking at my door.

“Coming Chris.” I hollered, tripping over my shoes as I flipped the dead bolt and unlocked the door letting him in.  

“Hey, Amy.  Are you ready?”  He looked me over.

“Yeah, let me just get my purse.”  I requested picking up and a few things as I went.  The place was a disaster.  I was surprised that Chris hadn’t commented on it.  He had on everything else.

“Take your time.”  He said casually.  “You might want to consider a change while you are at it.”

“Why?  What’s wrong with what I am wearing?”  I asked innocently.

“That skirt on your dress barely covers your ass!”  He exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes.  “It is almost to my knees Chris.  You are just being over protective.”

  He rolled his eyes back and patiently explained the beastly manner of men.  “You are being too naïve. Justin is an older guy that has been around the block a couple of times.  He sees you as a potential lover and with you dressed like that. You are just fanning the fire that you ignited in him this morning.”  

“Come on Chris, you know he was just being nice. You weren’t making an offer so he stepped in.”  I said defending Justin

He placed his hand on my shoulder apologetically.  “I just don’t want you to expect too much and get your heart broken.  I especially don’t want you to do anything stupid.”

“And what would you consider stupid?”  I questioned in a tone that could possibly trigger another round of the fight we had earlier.

“Sleeping with him.”  He bluntly stated.

I was astounded, and a bit insulted. “What makes you think I am considering that?”

“Let’s see, makeup, curled hair, a dress that shows off your ass and tits. Pretty much tells me you are considering something.”  He pointed out how I had carefully gotten ready.    “Did you shave in preparation as well?”  He asked to egg me on more.

“I don’t know if that is any of your business Chris.” I was so frustrated and insulted.  “So are you saying I look like a whore?”

“No, not at all.  Most girls go a lot further than you have.  But any effort makes a guy think you are interested.”  He explained.

I tried to present my point of view.  It would be pointless to explain that I wore this for me.  I wanted to look good.  It had very little to do with Justin.  I expected nothing, but the pleasant night that he had promised.  So I sighed and I told Chris simply. “The fact that I accepted Justin’s offer let him know I was interested.  What happens between us is our business.  I want you to butt out.”

“Promise me one thing.”  He almost begged.

I rolled my eyes.  “What?”

“Don’t sleep with him tonight.” He demanded.   

“Chris, I wasn't even considering it.  I don’t think he is even going to kiss me so I wouldn’t worry about it.”  I said, trying to allay his fears.

“Good come on, let's go have dinner now or we will be late.”  I nodded and followed him to the car.  We grabbed some Applebee’s and caught up a little bit before rushing off to the venue.  Chris set me up with Mike, one of the security guards.  

Chris waved Mike over “Mike man, since Bobbee ain't here this week can you do me a favor?”  

“Sure, what do you need Chris?”  He asked, looking at me as I was just another fan.

“This is Amy. She is a friend of mine and is going out with Justin tonight.  Can you make sure that she is comfortable?”  He asked with a look that stated more than he said or asked.

Mike took a good look at me and then reassured Chris.  “I will take care of her as if she was my own Chris. No fears.”

“Cool man.  Amy, I will leave you in capable hands.  I will see you after the show in the limo.”  He said as he bounded off to get with the guys.

I nodded and hugged him goodbye.  “So Mike, what do we do now?”

 

“I will show you where everything is and then I will get you to your seat. That way you’ll know where to go after the show.”  

 

I nodded as he took me on the grand tour.  We wandered backstage and he told me where everything was and showed me where I would meet up with the guys after the show.

 

“The VIP tent is over there.  If you want anything just go ask.  Anywhere else in the arena you will have to pay.  Of course none of the merchandise is free.  That is how the boys make their money.  Ladies room is over there and there is one backstage that you can use to freshen up after the show when the lines are longer.” He explained.

 

I nodded, making a note of everything that was being said.  Soon I found my way to my seat and sat down by Heather.  She smiled softly at me.

 

“How do you know the guys?”  She asked.

 

“Chris is a long time family friend.”  I explained.

 

Heather nodded and introduced herself.  “I see.  JC is my brother.  I am Heather.”

 

“It is nice to meet you.  I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting JC yet.”  I said casually.  Though I was wondering vaguely if I would meet him.

 

“You are not missing much.  I don’t even know why I claim him.”  She confessed in true sisterly fashion.

 

“Are you going to the party tonight?”  I asked curiously.

 

“No, I have to get back early.  I have a paper due on Monday, and I have barely started to research.  I just spent the day with Josh and had dinner with him.  He is going to see me off after the show.  I don’t know if he is planning on showing up later, but you might meet him there.” She explained.   “So, is Chris taking you?”  She asked, trying to continue the conversation to avoid a lull.

 

“Actually it was Justin who asked before Chris had a chance to.  I ran into them in the lobby of the hotel this morning.”  I told her.

 

Heather giggled and looked at me with a good luck face.  “Well, if you can keep his attention I am sure you will have a good time.  Just remember that most of the time the guys are still working at the party no matter what it looks like so don’t expect too much of it or them.  I am kind of glad I don’t have to go to it.  Have you met Lance yet?”

 

“No, I haven't had the pleasure.” I said.

 

“Well, try to say hi backstage because I think he is going to fake flu afterwards to get out of the thing.  His girlfriend is coming into town.  This morning at breakfast he was whining about how short her visit is.  So he isn’t going to want to share his time with her.  I think it is so romantic.  What do you think?”  She gushed.

 

I nodded and agreed. “I think that it is great that Lance found someone that he is happy to be with.”

 

“Whatever you do, don't let Joey get you alone tonight.  He will want to grope you especially if he has had a few.  But otherwise he is fun to dance and hang out with.” Heather warned.

 

“I will keep that in mind, thanks.”  I said, not at all interested in Joey.

 

“Now that I think about it, if my brother does double back you may want to avoid letting him get too close to you.  He has been worse than Joey, especially with Bobbee out of town.”  Heather further cautioned.

 

“Who’s Bobbee?’  I asked curiously.

 

“His girlfriend. I don’t like her.  She is a conniving ambitious bitch if I have ever seen one.  She is just interested in his money and what he can do for her acting/modeling career.”  She explained with disgust in her voice. Obviously Heather did not like this girl.

 

“Have you told him how you feel about her?”  I asked.

 

“Hundreds of times.  He seems to think that for right now it is advantageous for him to have a girlfriend.  However I don’t think he is being faithful to her or anything.”  She said with a wisp of hope that she would not have to deal with Bobbee.

 

I simply nodded.  My heart was beginning to wilt rather quickly.  He had a girlfriend.  That didn’t sit well with me.  But it wasn’t him that I had met or who showed interest.  It was Justin who invited me to the party and showed an interest in me.  That's what I needed to focus on, not some dream that would never have the chance of coming true.

 

Thankfully the opening act came on and I was able to watch them and ignore Heather.  They weren’t that good but they weren’t why I was there.  I wanted to watch the main event. The excitement as they hit the stage in their space costumes was electric.  It was fun simply to be there and see them do their thing. I could have done without all the screaming fans, but they loved it and played with it.  I noticed that I found myself screaming just as Heather was.  After yelling our love yous we fell into our chairs laughing our asses off.  

 

Sailing was one of the last songs of the night.  I was mesmerized by it.  My eyes did not leave Josh and at one point he made eye contact.  He didn’t break it for over a minute.  I was stuck. I couldn’t turn away no matter how much I needed to. Those eyes were the tractor beams I always thought they were, and they refused to let me go.  When the beat finally changed and he moved on and I realized I was holding my breath.  

 

Heather just looked at me and laughed.  “If he was any closer I have the feeling he would eat you alive. Remember to heed my warning.  That way you won’t get hurt.  That is unless of course you are just looking for a one night stand.”

 

I looked at her confused.  “What?”

 

“The heat was sizzling off the both of you.”   She stated matter of factly.

 

  I shrugged it off.  “It is his stage act.  You were seeing things Heather.”

 

“When you meet him,  you will see otherwise I am sure.  Just make sure you aren’t alone with him, or you are going to find yourself in a situation I can guarantee you that you won’t be ready for.  My brother is like the devil in the fact that he is very hard to resist, especially if it is something he wants.”  She looked at me and sighed.  “I don’t even know why I am wasting my breath.  Just whatever you do, best you don’t tell Chris.”  She warned as an afterthought.

 

I chuckled inwardly at the one.  The less Chris knew the better.  “Chris isn’t going to hear anything about tonight from my lips regardless of what happens or who it happens with.”  

 

Heather laughed and said something to the effect that it was probably a good idea.  We continued to watch the show in silence.  

 

Mike led me back to the green room after the show, and I briefly met Lance as he was heading out to the hotel.  He seemed to be in an awful hurry so I didn’t say anything more than hi and good show.  I rode over to the club with Justin, Chris and Joey in the limo.  Justin guided me holding the small of my back to the dance floor.  We had a slow dance and then he got pulled away.  On his way back to me after completing his business he got distracted by a gaggle of blondes.  I took that as a brush off.  I could feel the anger rise up within me.  He brought me; the least he could do was spend some time with me.  I wandered around the fringes.  Then I noticed that I knew no one.  I couldn’t have a conversation with anyone but the waiters it seemed.

 

I don't know what had pushed me out on the deck that night.  Perhaps it was because Justin ditched me or because Chris as usual was too busy to deal with me.  I was beginning to think I didn’t belong here.  In fact I knew I didn’t. The only high point was seeing Chris, and he just had to chew me out about my recent hospital stay.  Not that I expected him to do any less, he was my protector, and someone had to. Otherwise the next time I would not have been so lucky.   My mom was too worried that telling it how it is would push me over, but not Chris.  Of course I hadn't ever gotten over him leaving Pittsburgh. He used to take care of me when my family couldn't or wouldn't. 

 

Since I didn't know anyone, I felt alone and isolated in a room jammed with people.  The noise gave me a headache and since I suck at dancing, clubs were really not my thing.  I went out to the deck to get air.  It was a beautiful night.  The stars and the moon reflected light off one another.  It was the perfect place to write. 

I don't know exactly what came over me.  I usually write stuff about matters of life and death, but tonight JC’s face came to my mind.  Not surprising since I stared at his picture on my wall everyday.  Ever since Chris sent me the cover of the guy’s first CD, JC’s face has captivated me.  His eyes always looked as if he could see deep into my soul and unearth all of the secrets; secrets that I so desperately didn’t want others to see.  I would be so vulnerable to him, and it scared me shitless.  That is why I hadn't come to see Chris until now.  I felt it safer for me to be one of his millions of obsessed fans who admired him from afar.  

Even with that realization, I was a little disappointed that I hadn’t met him yet. I knew the reason, he had been busy with Heather all day but that didn’t erase the hole I was feeling with this experience.   I was so close, yet so far.  It was probably a good thing though.  People have a habit of disappointing you.  It was not as if I would have more than a three word conversation if I met him anyway.  It was best simply to let my attraction for him remain in the world of fantasy.  That way I wouldn’t be hurt when I met his more than perfect model girlfriend.

The pent up frustration overwhelmed me, so I began to write.  When I write it is almost like I am possessed. I have to vomit it out as it comes.  If I would not release it immediately I would never get it back.  A lost word is like a lost life to me.  

The poem was simple.  It was just a few lines in free verse.  It described how I was attracted to him but must restrain myself because I was afraid of him finding out my feelings for him.  I had put the period on it when something hard ran into me knocking me to the ground.  My pen and the napkin I was writing on flew out of my hands.  He helped me up and the spiciness of his cologne momentary paralyzed all other senses.  The words

 “Excuse me” barely leaked out of my lips and my ears ring with the fact that JC Chasez had just apologized to me.  

My eyes hit him and the capacity for speech was temporarily lost.  I stuttered something stupid that I don't remember, and he asked me to stay.  Then I realized that he had my poem in his hands.  All that was going through my mind was that I must get that away from him.  Fuck, I thought as he began to read it.  I could feel my heart racing and my skin becoming hot and red.  I was as helpless as a bunny in a hunters trap.  All I could do was anticipate his reaction. 

 

Part 2  Cat and Mouse

As he looked up from the paper and focused on me, the moonlight danced in his eyes revealing a cocky grin.  I knew he assessed the situation correctly and I could feel myself get redder.  Then my mind went into overdrive, which is a very bad thing.  I say stupid and mean stuff when that happens.  This time was no exception.  

He said.  “I’m flattered.”  I noticed a touch of amusement in his voice as he ran his eyes over my body.

“I don’t know what for.”  I said not willing to accept the compliment if that was indeed what it was.  

  He just assumed the poem was about him.  It was but that was beside the point.  He didn't know me.  How dare he just assume that I had written something about him!  It could have been about anybody. I thought he was mocking my writing.  

He grabbed my hand and kissed it.  “What do you say we get out of this place and you show me how you are really feeling?”  He suggested as he completely leered at me.

I pulled my hand away and slapped him.   “You egotistical bastard.” 

My words and the slap amused him rather than offended him.  That just made me more indignant.  The nerve of him, I couldn't believe him.  Yet I was not going to let him have the satisfaction of knowing he was right.  

“That’s it baby.  Who told you I liked it rough.”  He challenged me not to put off in the least by my display of violence.

I grunted in frustration and tried to get away from him yet he blocked my escape.  

“I am going in now so move the fuck out of my way.” I hissed at him.

“Cursing out a complete stranger tsk, tsk.  I am JC by the way.  Obviously you knew that already or you wouldn’t be so wet.”

Now was the time to deny, deny, deny.  I went into politician mode.  The more defensive I got the more sexually suggestive his comments became. “I am not wet.”   

He came up to me holding me tightly about the waist and whispered hotly in my ear.   “Come on baby, I know you are lying.  I can just imagine that pussy of yours on fire.  It is clinching back and forth just aching for my cock to fill it.”

A well of needs broke inside of me.  I had to get away before what Heather predicted was true.  I did not want to be eaten alive by this man and that was where I was headed if I tempted fate more.  Chris was right I should have worn jeans or something.  It was all too much.  I scratched him hard behind the ear and pushed away.

“Damn kitten, you didn’t have to do that.  I was just playing.”    He even came up with a pet name for me.  

"Kitten?"    Baby, sweetie, or honey I could understand.  But why Kitten?  He told me to call him Josh.  I liked the sound of that, but egotistical bastard sounded much better.  

“Yeah you have claws like a rabid cat.”  He winked.  “Besides, Sexy or Mama would have probably gotten me a knee to the groin.  And since you haven’t told me your name yet I had to come up with something.  So, what is your real name?”  He asked playfully.

I smiled and bit my lip.  “I don’t think I am going to tell you.”

He put on a pouty face.  “Come on kitten, it hurts.  Kiss it and make it all better.  I know you would love it” He commanded gently.

I almost couldn’t control the laughter.  He had the gall to think I would love to kiss him.   

“I would just as soon kiss a Wookie.”  I spat at him, not believing how infuriating this man was.  And to think I had been dreaming about him for years.  I couldn’t believe he was such a lustful son of a bitch.  Was sex all that roamed that tiny little skull of his?

Without missing a beat in our tete a tete he snapped back.  “That can be arranged.”  He stalked to the sliding glass door and opened it wide.  He yelled, “Joey get your ass out here.  There is a girl on the deck that wants to fuck you.”

Whoa wait one fucking New York minute.  When did this turn from kissing to fucking. Or were they intricately linked in his mind.  I knew I didn’t want to find out, so I had to get away.  Shock and embarrassment had paralyzed me so much that the neurons in my brain were misfiring and my muscles failed me.

  Joey was so cute when he naively walked out onto the deck.  I realized that I had to prove my point.  Before logical thinking took over I bridged the gap between myself and Joey.  Then I laid one on him.  I had never kissed anyone before so I am sure I didn't put on as good a show as I wanted.  Joey was so stunned with my actions that he wasn't responding, so he was no help. But it was enough to show I was interested in anything other than Josh.  At that I stalked off.  I wasn't about to talk to either of them any longer.  

I went off to look for Chris to take me back to the hotel.  I couldn't find him anywhere.  Damn he must have met someone.  He was probably fucking her off in a dark corner somewhere.  Was sex all these men thought about?  I scanned the room for Justin but he and the blonde he was talking to had vanished.  Joey was leaving with some redhead and Lance hadn't been at the party at all.  Seeing that I was stuck I just decided I would have to get myself home.  I would be okay.  I kick box.  I ran out of the club to the street and started walking. I was bound to find the subway quickly.  

I maybe made it ten feet out of the door before I discovered that Josh was following me. Hadn't he made fun of me enough for one night?  I didn't want to be around him any longer.  I kept walking as I ignored his heavy foot falls behind me.  It was obvious by his breath that he had run to catch up with me.  He didn’t say anything until his breathing was under control then he grabbed me and pulled me around to face him.

“Where do you think you are going?”  He demanded.

I couldn’t fucking believe this.  I would be crying if it weren’t so damned comical.  He demanded to know where I was going like he owned me or something.  He was going to find out rather quickly that it didn’t work around here.  Why should he care?  It wasn’t like we're dating or had a relationship.  And since he was pretty much out of the loop all day I am sure he didn’t hear Chris’s prime directive to protect the baby at all costs.  He didn’t really deserve an answer.  Stupidly I answered him anyway, in an attempt to get him to just go away.

"Back to the hotel."  I responded trying to pull away from him.  “Now if you would get the fuck out of the way I can be on my way.  It is getting cold just arguing with you.”

“I could warm you up, kitten.  But you’re mistaken if you think I am going to let you walk back to the hotel at night.  That is just asking for trouble.”  He said.

“I can take care of myself.”  I asserted.

“Nope, that's too dangerous.  I will be accompanying you.”  He informed me as if there was no other option than what he stated.

He said it was too dangerous.  I walked home on the streets of the poor side of Pittsburgh before New York. That is nothing compared to what I have seen.  Hell I would be the one protecting his ass.  But I knew there was no convincing him.  Since he insisted on coming along I wasn't going to make it easy on him.  I didn't know if he was trying to be a gentleman or just trying to impress me.  Either way I know I wasn't acting very appreciative.  

It was cold outside and I was shivering.  My teeth were visibly chattering.  I really wasn't wearing anything warm that night.  I had on a dainty floral print dress.  It was capped sleeved and knee length and it had a low cut back.  I kept walking trying to ignore the hypothermia that I was going to fall into any moment.  At that moment I felt some leather wrapping itself around me.  It felt so warm and safe.  But soon I was out of the trance of its protection and realized what Josh had done.  I shrugged it off and threw it back to him.

“I don’t need it.  You just worry about yourself.  I will be fine.  We are almost to the subway.”  With my teeth clattering I knew this was a hopeless attempt to shun his chivalry.  But so what, if I was cold.  I didn't want to wear his jacket.  It seemed to me that he was laying a claim to me with it.  And at this point no matter how attracted I was to him I didn't want him to know it.   He just chuckled and put it back on me.

“If you take that jacket off again I will just have to think of another to warm you up and I am pretty creative.”  He whispered into my ear and put his arm around me to make his point clear.  

I pushed him away but kept the jacket on.  I was tempted to find out whether or not he would go through with the threat but I really didn't want him touching me yet so I obeyed him for the first time.  

When I submitted he sweetly smiled at me but said nothing.  We walked the rest of the way to the subway in silence.  I raced him to the terminal wanting to get there before he did.  Unfortunately he beat me.  To rub my defeat in, he winked at me.    I didn't want to owe him anything so I informed him, “I’m paying for my tokens.”

“No.”  He said simply.

“You might be a pop star and can afford the world, but that doesn’t mean I can’t afford these tokens.  Let me pay for it.”  I huffed.

“Sugar, my women never pay.”  He asserted in a saccharine sweet voice.

His act wasn’t going to work on me and I was going to call him out on it.  “I am not one of your groupie sluts.”

“Did I say you were?”  He asked as if he had taken offense to what I said.

“No but you were inferring.”  I said, trying to keep up the argument.

He chuckled as if my previous insult meant nothing to him, and then cautioned me.  “Kitten, don’t read too much into things.”

“You’re a damn infuriating egotistical bastard.  Do you know that?”  I asked, getting more worked up by the minute.

“So I have been told by you before.”  He responded without missing a beat.

“Just let me pay Josh.”  I whined, trying to get us back to the point we had started with.

“I would but….” He smirked all proud of himself

“But what?”  I asked a little too loudly, thoroughly frustrated with him.

“It is kind of already done.”  He said almost apologetically.

“When?” I asked, totally confused.

“Three minutes ago.”  He stated simply.

“You had no right.”  I complained like a child.

He sighed and explained, “Look I’m cold and tired.  I would rather not argue about this any longer.  So accept it so you can get away from me all the sooner.  I know that is what you want.”

“You have no clue what I want.”  I retorted just to be difficult.

“So now are you saying that you want me?”  He gloated.

“Now who is inferring too much?” I asked, trying for once to get the better of him.

“Just flip the turnstile and get on the fucking train Kitten or I swear to God I will pick you up and carry you on there myself.”  Josh warned.

I knew he would do it too.  So I did as he said, trying to get as far away from him on the train as possible.  However he foiled that plan and grabbed my hand dragging me to a seat.  I couldn’t believe he chose my seat, the nerve of him, of all the high handed things to do.  I wanted to move just to spite him but there was nothing else available so I sat down pouting.  He just grinned at me.  I tried to get comfortable in the seat, but suddenly I felt his arm around me and I pushed it off.  He returned it back to the position.  This continued until he placed his arm around me for the last time.  His hand had wandered to my breast and I back-handed him as hard as I could in the stomach.  I didn't like his arm around me because it looked as if he was laying claim to me.  He certainly did not have permission to touch my breast.  After he caught his breath he grabbed both of my hands in one of his and wrapped his other arm around me.

  I squirmed in his arms trying to get free.  “Let me go, you bastard.”

“No, not until I know you are going to be a good little girl.”  He calmly commanded.

I agreed reluctantly, “Fine but if I feel your hands on my breasts again, I will kick your ass.”

That made him laugh heartily.  “I’m looking forward to it” He released my hands, but kept his arm around me.  

The rest of the ride was in silence. I tapped my foot. I felt confined just like I was in every other part of my life.  The urge to kick him hard in the crotch and run was strong. However I had a sinking feeling that would just excite him more rather than put him off.  I figured once I got back to my room I could lock him safely out of my room and be free of him forever.  I would have to reassess what a celebrity crush was supposed to be.

We got off at our spot and he led me around the back way into the hotel.  He did it in a roundabout way.  Zig zagging through the parking lot to sneak around back.  Which was fine till we ran into a 10 foot fence. We were lucky it wasn’t too high and didn’t have barb wires at the top.  I knew from experience such fences were to discourage dumpster diving.  At least that wasn’t something I had to worry about on that night.  I was well fed.  

“You think you can climb it?”  He asked, as if this was my first rodeo.

I nodded.  Inside I was thinking better than you asshole, but I wasn’t going to be rude just because he was being condescending.  

“Alright,  I will go over first and catch you on the way down.”  He said trying to be gallant.  This time I fully intended to call him on the rake he was.

“You want me to tell you what color my panties are or leave that as a surprise?”

“You wore panties when you knew you were going to meet me?”

“Had to have something to throw on stage, didn't I?”

He had hopped over, almost turning his ankle.  I forced myself not to laugh at his showmanship.

“Are you turning shy now?”

“No.”  I scaled the fence and turned so I could climb down the other side so I didn’t have far to jump.  When I was about to let go for my jump, a piece of the metal grabbed my dress, ripping it, allowing him to see that I chose pink for the night.

“When I take you to see the Dodgers, I will buy you cotton candy and we will remember this night fondly.” 

I growled, “And he’s back.”

He looked at me confused,  “Whose back?”

“The egotistical bastard.”

“Did he ever really leave?”  

“I guess not.

“Come on.  I am getting cold.”  He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me along to the service door.

“Why didn’t we just go in through the front door, Josh?”  I complained.

“I really don’t feel like sharing you or signing autographs right now.” He said a bit cryptically.  As he did it, he pulled me into his arms, pushing my face into his chest.  It was too close.  

Once inside the kitchen of the hotel he let me go.

“What the fuck was that?”  I demanded.

“As I said, I didn't feel like sharing you with others.  Some bastard thought he could take your picture with me.  Now his camera is just a waste of film because I blurred your identity.”   He explained almost callously.

“What if I wanted to be photographed with you?”  I asked a bit curiously.

“You would have caused a scene rather than chew me out here.”  He pointed out a bit too smugly.

“I am tired.  I am going to bed.”  I announced.

“I will warm it up for you.”  He said as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“I am sure you would just love that but I will pass.”  I said, giving him the evil eye.

“You sure baby.  You don’t know what you will be missing.”  He said and winked at me.

“I think I will live.”  I rolled my eyes.

“Well, damn my powers of prediction are getting hazy.  I will walk you up.”  He offered in his commanding tone.

“Predictions of what, Josh?”  I questioned, knowing it was a mistake before it had come out of my mouth.

 

“Oh just whether or not I would get laid.  Guess I am going to have to sneak out and find a more willing victim tonight.”  He conceded. Thank God for some small victories.

I couldn’t leave well enough alone so I challenged him further, “I’m surprised you are not going to force yourself on me.”

“I wouldn’t rape you kitten.  Seduce you maybe but not rape.  For what I want, I need someone very willing.  As much as I would savor you struggling under me, I think I would enjoy it more if you shared my passion.”  He described it as one of his favorite songs.

“So, you are attracted to me?”  I asked, knowing I had him at that point.

“There you go reading too much into things again.”  He said softly.

I shoved him trying to get past.  This had been entirely too much for one night.  Before I could make it to the elevator he grabbed my wrist.  It was a firm grip.  I wouldn’t wouldn’t be released until he desired.  

“Let go of me.”  I protested.

He winked,  “No, not just yet.  What’s your room number?” 

“Like I am going to tell you that.”

“If you want to get rid of me tonight I suggest you do.  Otherwise I could just take you to my room and have my way with you.  Choice is yours.” He explained as if he had all the time in the world for me to make my decision.

In exasperation I sighed, “It's 534.”

“Good now find your key in your purse and give it to me.”  He said as he punched in 5 and stood much closer to me than necessary.   I didn’t make a move to follow through with his little request.  I might have been a mouse caught in his trap, but I wasn’t giving up so easily.   “I am waiting.” He reminded me, strumming to a beat in his head against the door of the elevator.

“Why?”  I looked at him in complete befuddlement.

“Safety my dear,  just like my women do not pay, they also don’t open doors.” He reassured me with a tilted halo.  It must have been something his Daddy taught him, but part of me didn’t trust he would use his manners to his own benefit if given the opportunity.

“Egotistical Bastard,” I cursed under her breath and handed him the plastic key card.  He was silent as he walked me the rest of the way to my room.  

When he released me from the hug, the door was opened for me and my card slipped back into my purse.  A blush of shame tinged my face as I realized the sight my room must have been left in.   

“Well kitten thank you,  it has been interesting.”  He gently pushed me a few paces into the room.  For a second I thought he was going to follow, “If you want my room to be 654, I will let Lonnie know to expect you.  Otherwise have a nice life.”

He was gone before I could return the jacket.  I screamed in frustration once the door was safely closed.  I had met JC Chasez and he had his arm around me and walked me home and now I have one of his favorite jackets in my possession.  The night was too good and too frustrating.  I sat for a while thinking about him.  How could I be so stupid.  I could be fucking the man if I wanted right now.  He was clear on his intent.  But something inside me didn’t want that.  I didn’t want to be just another whore to him.  Based on his animalistic behavior I didn’t want anything to do with him.

 

Part three:  Big reveal and the summer plan

As I got ready for bed that night and processed what the hell happened,  I realized I had bigger problems on my hands.  I shouldn’t get distracted about how sex crazed my celebrity crush for the last 8 years was.  That would soon be a blip in my timeline.  My fate for the summer living on the farm came to my mind and I cried. I didn't want to go there. I knew I would just get more depressed.  

I would be volunteering to give up my freedom  to have a reasonably safe place to stay during the summer.  I knew the rules.  It wasn’t as if my grandparents hadn’t taken me in before.  I would have to wear a dress that covered me from ankle to wrist.  There would be no music or television, as we would wake with the rooster and go to bed by the sight of the moon.  That entire I would be expected to do some type of physical labor, whether it be in the house or on the farm.   I wouldn’t be allowed to go to town on my own.  If I went it would be just to the grocery store and the feed shop.  If I was lucky I might be able to get ice cream.  I seriously doubted that though.  Last time I went there, the prophet was on a health kick and my grandparents were following his advice.  Sunday mornings would be mandatory at church.  I knew in all of this I would have to be obedient or suffer the consequences.   Knowing all of this I cried myself to sleep.

 That morning I woke late.  The train ticket that I had was already expired.  I called the station but they said they offered no exchanges or refunds.  I was stuck and broke.  Luckily the hotel was still serving breakfast.  Or so I thought when I walked down it was closing up.

I would need to check out soon.  Out of sheer luck, Mike just happened to run into me in the dining hall.  

“You have breakfast kid?”  He asked softly.

“No, they were done serving before I woke up.”  I sighed.  “I will be fine though.”

He shook his head, and gestures towards a private room.   “Come with me.  I am sure Chris would like to say goodbye to you before the boys ship out.”

I nodded.  “Thanks Mike.”

He chuckled and winked.  “Yeah, he’s still eating too.  So if you play your cards right and look as pitiful as you did sitting over there he might just feed you too.”

“I appreciate it Mike.”  I said, thinking this was one of the nicest men I have ever met.

“No, problem.  Oh and Amy.”  He stopped in his tracks.

“Yes Mike?”  I asked not knowing what he could possibly have to say to me.

“Be more careful in the future.”  He warned with fatherly eyes.

“Yeah, I will be sure to set my alarm.”  I said not getting his intended meaning.

“No, I was talking about last night.  JC is dangerous.  I would hate to see a pretty girl like you get hurt.  You certainly did put him through his paces and humbled him a little.  It was humorous to watch.   I was surprised he didn’t try to push you into anything.”  He explained.

“Oh he was Mike. I just wasn’t interested.”  I reassured him.

“Keep it that way.”  He further admonished me.  We walked into a private dining room.  Chris was sitting there.  He smiled when he saw me.

“Hey little one.” He greeted me, too cheerfully for 10 in the morning. “Please sit down and join me.”

“Morning Topher.”  I replied in a banter-like voice.  I didn’t want to reveal what was wrong too early.  I was barely conscious and didn’t need a lecture quite yet.

“Did you sleep well?”  He asked, concerned.

“Yeah.”  I lied.

“Good.”  He responded robotically.

“How was your date with Justin?”  He asked probing further into the events of last night.

“It ended early in the evening.  He chased after some other blond.”  I admitted, a bit of a blush of humiliation tinged my face.

I could see Chris trying to contain his anger.  “I see.  How did you get home?’ He asked.

“I took the subway.”  I informed him as if it was no big deal.  Part of me knew even at that moment that mentioning Josh would not help my cause.  But he had to ask.

“By yourself?”  The vein above his eye was starting to twitch.  In his mind this whole scenario was just getting better and better.

“No, JC was kind enough to escort me home.”  At that moment the world seemed to revolve to a screeching halt.  I was so nonchalant about it.  It seemed with that little innocent statement I insured the burial of both men.

“I will fucking kill them both.  I don’t know what the fuck Justin was thinking letting you leave with JC.” Chris yelled as his face almost turned purple in anger.

I didn’t know what to do.  Hiding under the table seemed to be like a good idea.  However rational thought kicked in and I was able to hold my ground, for I knew it was more the guys than me that were guilty in Chris’s mind. I intended to keep it that way.  It was never pretty when Chris was mad at me, however; he would never hurt me and was entirely more bark than bite.

“Justin didn’t let me do anything.  He was already sniffing out his prey for the evening before I even met Josh.” I feebly tried to explain.

“Oh so it is Josh now.  I see how it is and don’t like it, Amy.  Not at all.”  He all but yelled.

I was a bit confused about why he would be that angry, but then Heather’s warnings from the previous evening came to my mind.  I dismissed them.  It would be easier to play dumb.  “See, how what is?  He just walked me home.”

“You want more.”  He accused me of lust.  “I can see it in your eyes the hunger he sparked.  I have lived around these guys for years, Amy.  I  know their ways.” 

“I stuck to my promise.  I didn’t sleep with Justin last night, or anybody else for that matter.  Not that I even wanted too.  Now I need to wire my grandparents for money.   I will be on the farm all summer.  I never want to see any of you guys again. You are all a bunch of perverted sex crazed freaks.”  I got up and moved from the table.

Chris stood up and pulled me back in his arms and held me on his lap.  “I can’t let you do that Amy.  Not now, when I have just laid eyes on you again.”

“Now you want to jump my bones too.”  I screamed back at him.

“No, but I do want to know that you are safe and I can’t insure that at the farm.”  He calmly explained releasing his grip.

I wiggled off his lap and  said.  “You know my grandparents would never hurt me.”

Chris rolled his eyes.  “Remind me, why did you run away from there 3 summers ago?”

I was busted,  “The prophet told Grandpa that I was to be married to one of the elders that already had like 7 wives.”

“What makes you think something like that wouldn’t happen this summer?”

I couldn’t even respond.  He was right.  I hadn’t been thinking of that aspect of the farm.  I was just thinking about working on it and making money for college.

Chris continued,  “Your dad knew something was terribly wrong with that community.  That was why he left it before he met your mom.  He didn’t want that lifestyle for himself or his future family.  Do you really think he would want you going there without Brian for protection?”

I hung my head.  “But I have no other option.”

“I am going to be honest with you Amy.  This whole trip that you were on was a sham set up by your brother and myself.”  He revealed.

“What do you mean?”  I asked bitterly.  I couldn’t believe he would betray me with such an underhanded scheme.

“We needed to protect you.”  He stated without remorse.

I huffed, “I have been doing a good job without your help.”

“Amy, five stays at a mental hospital within the last year.  That’s not a great record.  It tells me that you can’t.”  He started to lecture,  I wanted to cover my ears and hum but what little maturity I had did not allow for it.

Instead I chose to argue further, “You haven’t even been around since I was a baby.  I am a grown woman.  How the hell do you think you are going to protect me and from what?  And who gave you the right to think it is needed?”

“I was the one that got you out of that hospital.”  He stated, as cool as he could, even though I could hear the emotion under his voice threatening to break.

“I got myself out.”  I stated, overconfident in my own abilities.

“I bribed the doctor to give you a set of terms for release. You were hungry enough for freedom that you met them.”  He explained in cold precision that it almost made me sick.

“That’s right Chris.  I was hungry for freedom.  I still am.  I am going to college in the fall.  I start work as well. I am going to create a life for myself free from my past.”  I listed all my accomplishments, still trying to cling to the idea that they were real.

“I wish it were that easy Amy.  I really do.  But you will never be free.”  He announced.

It shocked me but, even with the drug hazed amnesia I knew what he said was true.  I had to accept it.  I was scared of what had changed him.  I didn’t notice until that moment that he was indeed changed.  Something scared the living shit out of him and it had to do with me.  I had to find out what it was, but now I knew it was not the time to press.  I needed to find out what his plan was and how restricted my life would be.  

“How are you planning to protect me?”  I asked timidly.

“You will stay with me and the guys.  On tour we have a lot of security.  There will never be a time when you won’t be covered.  And when the time comes, I will find you a man that will be worthy of you.” Chris explained.

No this couldn’t be right.  He was in essence stating that he had final approval on the choice of my husband.  What the fuck gave him the right to decide something that was on me and me alone. As far as I was concerned I was done with men for good.  There would be no need for Chris to find anyone, for I would have no one.  He would have to force himself on me.  It would be an option he would never consider.  I was too much of a sister to him.  So, I threw out the scandalous thought just to condemn his actions further and maybe force a bit of remorse for what he was suggesting.

“Why don’t you do it yourself Chris?”  I asked bitterly.  “You seem so gung ho in protecting me.”

“I am too old Amy.  And you deserve some type of choice.  I am not going to force myself on you.  However if there is no one else you will be stuck with me.  Brian tends to like that option a lot.  But he is thinking with only what he knows.”  He explained calmly even though I knew he knew I was baiting him.  Why he was taking such abuse was the question.

“So who I date has to be approved by you?”  I asked, cutting to the quick of the matter.

He smiled and encouraged, “You got the idea now.”

“No it is not happening.  I would rather go back to my grandparents.” I announced, shocked that those words were coming out of my mouth.  Didn’t just minutes ago I wanted to do anything else but go there.  

“That is not an option.”  Chris announced with an air of grim finality that I knew there was no point to argue, but that didn’t stop me.

“You have no right.  You don’t own me Chris.  You just can’t pon me off on someone as if I was some sort of fuck toy.” I screamed at him, unaware of people around us. Luckily Mike and Lonnie had closed off the area to stop any scene I was making from leaking out to the general public.

“Amy, you know I take protection of you very seriously, especially when your brother can’t.  I am in a situation now where you will be safer than you have ever been before.”  He patiently explained after I stopped throwing proverbial shit at him.

“I don’t have a choice do I?”  I asked knowing it was final.

“No you don’t.  But it won’t all be bad.  We will have fun, you will see.”  He promised to try to cheer me up.

“When do we leave?”  I resigned to my fate.  I would find a way out later.  For now, I had no money so I might as well stay with them through the summer.  Then I could think of how college may change his plans.

“4:00 tonight.  We have a show in New Jersey tomorrow evening.  You know Amy, if Jeremiah was still alive he would do no less.”   He reminded me.  This was a low blow and he knew it.

I bristled and sulked thinking if it was really true.  Would daddy really  want me to live this way? Few people ever dared to bring him up.  For Chris to do so, I knew this was important.  But I could not resist one more jab.  “You don’t know what my dad would or would not do.  No more than I do.”  And I didn’t.  Even now I don’t know if my dad would approve of this scheme.  Sometimes I would wonder if Josh and I would have even met had my father been alive. With what I know now about my dad, and his lifestyle it is quite probable.

Chris thought for a long time before  he responded. “He would want you educated, married and having his grandbabies.  That I know.”

.”What about college Chris?”  I asked.

“Oh, you are going to NYU.  Don’t worry your head over that.”  He reassured me.

“How are you going to protect me on a college campus?”  I asked, thinking this whole ploy was ludicrous.

“It is called restrictions and security baby.”  He said in his overconfident voice.

“I am not a child.  You can’t tell me what to do.”  I pouted, knowing I wasn't proving my point.  It just felt good to say.

“If you don’t want to hurt anymore, or end up dead before you see your unborn children I suggest you do as I say Amy.”  He warned ominously.

“I will see you at 4:00 tonight.”  I gulped, not believing how crazy my life was becoming.  I thought I was free only to be caught back into another cage.  It didn’t matter that it was gilded.  It was still a cage.  

“Good girl.”  He kissed the top of my head and settled me back in my chair to finish my pancakes alone.  I sulked and planned in my mind’s eye what I was going to write in my journal when I had time later.  The pages detailing how much I wanted to kill Chris would be reams upon reams.  

I couldn’t believe I was agreeing to this crazy plan.  Had it not been forced on me, I might have even suggested it to get out of being at the farm for the summer.  But it seemed to me that Chris had every intention of being more oppressive than my grandparents, if that was truly possible.  Then I also realized another reason that traveling with the guys would not be such a good idea.  It began with one man and he drove me absolutely crazy.

“Hey Kitten, how did you sleep?” He asked in a way that seemed innocent as he slunk like a panther into the seat in front of me.

How did I sleep?  Why should he care? Why should he even ask?  Such a confusing man.  I sighed.  “Fine.  You?”

“Not so well.  I kind of wished you took me up on my offer.” He joked.

“Well, you can keep wishing.  I gotta get going.  I will see you later Josh.”  I said trying to excuse myself quickly to avoid further contact with him.

 I would avoid him as far as the bus would allow me.  Besides I had a lot of stuff to figure out and didn’t need a man confusing me more.  I went to my room and packed up.  I hung out in the lobby talking to the crazy fans that littered the lobby.  Why they would want any of them was beyond me.  Of course I was not stupid.  I did not mention that I was going to tour with the guys.  However about four Mike found me.  

“You ready to lock and load, Amy?”  He asked a little perturbed that I was so out in the open.

“Do I have to?”  I whined.

“If you want to live to see tomorrow my suggestion is yes you do.”  He warned, giving me no option.

“I don’t want to be cooped up on that bus.”  I complained a little more trying to at least elicit his sympathy.

He wasn’t having any of it.  He tried to reassure me though, “The bunks are comfy and there is a curtain to provide you with some privacy.  Though as crazy as those boys are, I wouldn't count on much.”

“Thanks for the warning, Mike.”  I said knowing he was only trying to help. 

“I think you can handle yourself though. Let’s get going.  You want me to help you?”  He asked, already taking one of my bags.

“No, I got it.”  I assured him.

Mike smiled and let me carry my carryon.  He grabbed my suitcase and put it under the bus in the storage compartment.  

I was walking slowly, because I hadn’t realized how heavy the bag got.  Before I knew what was happening Josh had lifted my carryon out of my hand and carried it to the bus.  He was acting like such a man. I could have done it myself and I didn't want to be a burden to all the guys.  

“I could have handled that Josh.”  I snapped.

He flippantly responded, “I want to leave sometime tonight.”

  I felt myself getting mad as I threw my stuffed kitten at him.  He waited until I boarded and then tackled me onto the couch in the lounge area.  It hurt too cause he did it full force.  He started beating me with one of the pillows. I was able to free myself long enough to grab a throw pillow that was lying behind me and retaliate.  Why I was fighting him I don't know.  I loved his smell and the feeling of his body hovering over me.  For a moment I thought he might kiss me, but then all the guys came in and joined the fight.  I ended up on the bottom of them all.  I know girls say they could take on all five of them at once, but trust me you can't.  I had bruises for days after that.  

As I freed myself I went to where my bunk was and laid down pulling the curtains.  I simply stared out the window watching the world go by.  I didn’t want to be there and I was not going to make the guys think otherwise.  Chris would be so sick of me that he would kick me off tour quickly.  I just had to devise a plan to insure my complete freedom.

I was lost in thought when Justin pulled back the curtains.  He smiled.  “There you are.  I thought you jumped off or something.”

I blushed.  “No, I am fine Justin.”

“Hey Amy, I am sorry about last night.  Things got crazy.  I know that that “it” factor wasn’t there between us last night but, if you can forgive me I would love to be friends.”  He looked so sweet and ashamed there was nothing to do but forgive him.

I smiled weakly.  “That will be nice.”

“Good so Roo, how about you and me go up there and show Joey and Chris how to really play Mario?”  He challenged, in hopes of getting me out of my self imposed exile.

I smiled, “Sure that sounds fun.  I am going to beat your ass so badly.’

“We will have to see about that.’  He challenged in order to fire up the competitive spirit in the room.

We played late till Justin started yawning and complaining it was past his bedtime.  He got up and headed to his bunk.  I stayed up front abandoned by the guys who had all found their beds for the night. I couldn’t sleep.  The meds still messed up my sleep patterns.  Either I got too much or not enough.  Tonight I was your typical insomniac. I had drunk five cups of Sleepytime tea and still was not sleepy.  I sat up watching the world go by writing everything that had happened the last three days of my life in my journal.  That was when I noticed Josh was sitting at the table across from me.  I didn't hear him because I was listening to Alanis.  

I finished my thought, ignoring him.  When I dropped the pen, he started to edge the journal away from me.  I snapped it shut on his fingers.

“Hi Josh.”  I smiled.

He nodded, shaking out his hand.  “What are you listening to, Kitten?”  He asked, trying to make casual conversation, however, I was beginning to think nothing was casual with him.

“Alanis Morrisette.”  I said softly not really wanting to engage him further.

“Oh really?  What song?”  He asked with his eyebrow raised, trying to pull me out more.

“You Oughta Know.”  I flung out, not thinking of the door I had just opened for him.

“Good song.  It’s the angry girl song.”  He rubbed his hands together and asked deviously  “So would you?”

“Would I do what?”  I was confused about his meaning.  I should have known though.

“Go down on a guy in a movie theater.”  He stated simply, just letting it hang there for me to react to.

 I know I was blushing and thinking I could never do that to anyone ever, especially not in a public place like a theater.  He had some nerve trying to pepper sex into all our conversations.  If I didn’t know better I would have thought he was trying to seduce me.  I just looked at him in shocked silence.

“So what do you say, kitten?  You want to try it out when we get a few minutes in town?”  He asked none too innocently, pushing the banter of the line.

“What makes you think I would kiss you, let alone do that to you?”   I was offended that he thought I would comply with his mere suggestion.  My original thoughts of him were still accurate.  I needed to stay far, far, away from this sex crazed man.

He almost couldn't control his laughter.  That just infuriated me more.

He was all cocky about it, and said with a wink.  “You will be begging for it soon enough.”  

“I don't beg.”  I declared, determined on this point.   “I will not lower myself to do something that demeaning.”

He laughed and asked.  “Want to make a bet on it?”   

I smirked, this was going to be easy to win.   “I accept, what are the terms?”

“Slave for the day.”  He said, raising his eyebrow in a challenge.

“Nothing sexual.”  I said, revising what I knew he was already thinking.

“There’s no fun in that.  Live a little Amy.  The whole premise of the bet is sexual anyway.”  He protested.

“Fine but it is not transferable, and if I am uncomfortable with something I can say no.”  I conceded.

“Alright, I won’t force anything, but if you don’t live up to the bet or be known forever as a welcher.”  He announced.

“I will not back away from it.”  I said confidently.

 “You don’t know what you are in for, little girl.  You have just challenged me and I always rise to the occasion.”  He said winking.  

At that final innuendo I scooted to the opposite end of the table ignoring him.   I had nothing to worry about. I knew he would be mine for a day.  I tried to fill my mind with all the things I could make him do.  I started to write again as I felt his eyes burning into me.  I couldn't concentrate.  All I could think about was the bet I made and his crude explanation of a blow job.  I imagined what it would be like giving him one.  And then as he stroked his goatee I wondered for a brief second what it would be like to kiss him.  

I tried to banish the thought to my mind, but it was still there as he asked me a question I was not prepared for.  “What are you writing in that journal of yours?”

  My journal is a very personal thing.  I don't share it with anyone.  I didn't like the fact that he read one of my poems to begin with.  So I hid it by pulling it closer to my chest.  

“Come on Amy, you're a great writer.  Just give me something.” He begged trying to lay the puppy dog eyes on thick.

“No.”  I said simply.  

Seeming to accept that wasn’t ready to consent to giving him this piece of my heart yet he offered, “Well, if ever you want me to read something.  I will.  All you have to do is ask.” 

It was sincere.  Other people who wanted to read to know what I was thinking. They wanted to know why I was depressed.  Or better yet they wanted to lock me up in a hospital for another two months.  He liked it for the sake of the art.  Although I wasn't ready to share I would keep it in the back of my mind. 

He was silent for a beat or two before adding quietly almost as if he  was simply thinking out loud.   “Or I will just have to wait for your next letter.  It's been several months.”  That last part stung. 

“Letter?”  I asked innocently.

“I’m not playing games, kitten.  I have read them all multiple times.” He shockingly admitted to me.

My mind couldn’t handle the implications of the meaning of that, “You get so much fan mail, why would you bother with mine?”

“When Chris told me to write to you five years ago,  I thought I was just helping out a friend of a friend. Through those letters I feel like I got to know you.  They actually helped me during my time in Europe.   When they fell off for awhile, I was concerned.  I wanted Chris to bring you out right away.  He told me no.  I was mad at him, but you know what, he knew something I didn’t.  He knew that your inner beauty matched your outer beauty.”

All I could do was blush as I processed what he was saying.

He went on with his monologue.  “Now that I know, I wish you were two years older, or that we would have met two years from now.  I am sorry for last night.  If I could take back how I spoke to you I would.  I will endeavor to control myself in the future.”

“You are forgiven, but don’t make promises you can’t keep JC.”  I said softly, not sure of his change in tactics.  We sat in silence for a while before I resumed my writing.

 

 

After a while he he yawned, and then grinned at me.  I rolled my eyes.  “I’m afraid to ask.”

“Well I was just thinking about what really pushes me onto the Sandman Express.  I was wondering if it would have the effect on you or if a good fuck would make you more wired.”  He calmly explained, raising his eyebrows in expectation.

I sighed.  “On that note I am going to bed.”

He smiled sweetly following me down the walkway.  “Can I come too?”

“Your bunk is the general direction I suggest you find it.”  I ordered him.

“Only if you join me.”  He whined with a hint of a pout in his voice. 

“I don’t really care what you do Josh.  I am just not going to fuck you.  Especially not on this bus.”  I informed him trying to put an end to the game playing for one night.

He nodded comprehendingly.  “Oh so you are one of those types of girls.

“What the fuck does that mean?”  I asked.

He shrugged and climbed on his bunk which unfortunately was right above mine.  I laid down on my bunk sighing still not figuring him out.  I wouldn’t try that day. I tried to force him out of my mind but it didn’t work.  Though somehow as I laid there sleep came. Though I was thrashing and mumbling.  Later Josh told me he had kicked on the bunk however it didn’t wake me.  At some point he jumped down and leaned against the post in the aisle supporting Lance and Joey’s bunks.  He said he watched for a few minutes before deciding what to do.  I think he tried to whisper my name a couple times.  That did not work. He climbed into the bunk with me.  His arms dragged me close to him and he kissed my forehead gently.  “Shh Amy.  It’s okay.”

 

The next morning I awoke.  Josh was still in my bunk, his arms were like iron vises around me.  I didn’t know when or how this occurred during the night but I knew we would both be in trouble if we were caught.  I tried to get Josh to release me just as I met eyes with Chris.

Part 4  Game of pool.

“I see we need to discuss some ground rules here.”  Chris threw some water on Josh’s face.  “Wake up and find your own bed man.”

Josh went back to his bunk without question or comment.  I followed Chris to the lounge.   “It doesn’t look like I am going to be able to trust you to control yourself.”

“I had nothing to do with what you saw; I don’t know why he is in my bed.”  I said trying to defend the indefensible.

“It won’t happen again.”  He commanded as if there was no other option.

“Chris nothing happened.”   I pleaded with him.  I wanted him to believe that.

“You just can’t get too close to them.  I don’t want you to get hurt.”  He said.  

I nodded.  

“Come here.” He gently commanded.  When I was in his arms he wiped away the tears that I hadn’t realized I shed.  He rubbed my back.  “It will be okay.”   We sat together on the couch and he made a rabbit shadow puppet with his hand,  and started singing “Little Bunny Foo Foo”.  

I laughed,  “No Chris.  I am not two.”  I protested.

“I know.  That is the problem.”

We sat in silence and watched cartoons together.  Later we stopped for breakfast.  One of the crew girls joined me and Chris.

“Amy, this is Renee, she is going to be your roommate on this trip.”  He announced.

I nodded.  “You mean my babysitter.”

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.  “I hope not, she has a job to do here.  Though I am asking her to help you with your acclimation in the next couple days.” He explained.

I giggled.  “So babysitter it is.”

Renee smiled sweetly.  “I am not going to get in your way, but you do need to know some things to help get around the arenas, and hotels more easily.  Also you need to know the schedule, I will help you keep track of it till you are used to it.  And sadly yes I think rooming with me is more of an insurance policy that you will find your way back to your room at night and boys won’t find their way into yours.  Here’s today’s schedule.”

I looked it over.  It looked intense for the guys; they weren’t going to be done until well after two.  “So what do I do during this time?”

“I took the liberty to highlight.  You will see that mealtimes and the show are required.  Where that black line is; that’s curfew.”  She told me.

“So, I have to be in my hotel each night by midnight.”  I clarified.

“That is unless you have a hard time maneuvering but most people make it back pretty early.  I normally unwind and go to bed around 1 or so.”  She informed me.

“What am I supposed to do as the guys are doing all their things?”  I asked.

“What you like, I assume.  I think Chris will make it more clear.”  We walked together to the hotel.  Mike stopped and talked to the tour manager for a minute and then came back with my key.  Renee simply dropped her stuff and left for the venue to set up the hair and makeup area for the night’s show.

I sat on my bed thinking of all that happened in the last couple days.  I wasn’t sure what to make of it.  I had what I wanted and more than I could handle all at the same time.  I didn’t know what to think of the man that was coming on so strong to me.  Josh’s advances scared me, truth be told.  The thing that hurt the most was I knew he was just playing a game.  He wanted to see how long it would take him to get in my pants.  I highly suspected the boys all had a pool going on it.

There were more important considerations, such as basic survival.  I had to get some laundry done.  What I had was not enough to barely make it through the week.  I tossed everything but the baby t and the shorts I was wearing into my laundry bag and ventured out to find the laundry room.  Mike was quickly on my heels.

“Where do you think you are going?”  He asked disapprovingly.

“I have to get some laundry done, or I am going to stink up the place.” I explained as it made perfect sense.  

He walked me back to the room.  “See that little bag on the suitcase rack?”  He asked patiently.

“Yeah what of it?”  I gave him about as much teenage attitude as I gave Chris.  Luckily he was used to such tactics of avoidance.

He smiled and further explained.  “You put your clothes in there, fill out the tag and housekeeping takes care of it for you.  It is very effective.”

“How do I pay for it?”  I kind of liked the idea.

“You don’t, Chris does.  It is charged to the room.  Don’t worry about it.  All of us do it.” He told me reassuringly.

This was like absolute magic to me, and it got me thinking.  “I could use some new clothes too.  What’s your idea for that?”

“Have you even looked through your tour packet?”  He sighed, exasperated with my ignorance. 

“Well no.  I just thought the schedule was the most important thing.”  I admitted.

He sighed.  “It is, but you are most likely going to find a piece of plastic in there that will make you very happy.”

“I opened up the envelope and dumped everything out.”  Inside were my VIP passes, an ID, and a debit card.  There was a note from Chris.  Also there were papers from NYU for me to read and fill out for the upcoming school year.  Your basic schedule, roommate request, meal plan and book list.  There was also a pink form that said online summer school.  I growled a bit at disgust.  So, this was how I was going to spend my free time.  American Literature, and Composition 101.  There was also a cell phone in the bag.  

Amy-  This should be sufficient to get you settled.  Today while we are at the radio stations and sound check; I want you to get a laptop. Also buy some new clothes for the summer leg of the tour. Remember you will be in the presence of men, and be careful with your choices.  Please be modest.  Also be frugal.  You have a 5,000 limit for this month.  It will be 1000 from here on out, but you needed the extra this month for the computer.  This is your allowance. Anything you don’t spend will automatically be placed into a savings account for you at the end of the month.  Your allowance will cover everything incidental.  Your room, board, transportation, tuition, security is covered in a separate fund, so don’t worry.  Love you little one.  See you after the show.

I smiled slightly.  So, I wasn’t fending for myself. That was indeed a comfort.  “So, Mike, how do you feel about shopping?”  

“It isn’t my favorite thing, however I think that was what Chris needed you to do today, so I will endure it.”  He smiled and called down for a car.  

We headed for the nearest shopping area.  I started looking at computers first.  I found the most powerful thing I could buy, and had money in my budget for a small color multi-task printer and  a digital camera.  Getting the important technological purchase out of the way I went about the task of clothes shopping.  Ironically that was much harder.  

Even though I liked the idea of having cute things I kept getting distracted.  My first one was Spencer's Gifts.  Lance had already gotten me with the shocking gum.  I warned him that pay back was a bitch, so I looked around at the practical jokes aisle and picked up all the classics, such as whoopie cushion, fart spray, a pen with disappearing ink, and a rubber chicken.  I had no plans, but having four accomplices I am sure I would figure out how to get my revenge.  

I appeased Mike by going into the Gap next and got a selection of jeans, polos, and khakis.  However as I was leaving I spied the American Girl store.  I went in and longingly looked at one of them.  It would be a waste of money.  Sure the Spencers stuff was but I could justify it as a way to be able to survive the bus trip with the guys.  The doll would just be ridiculed.  There was no place in this world for it.  Besides, everyone would say I had outgrown it.  Mike patiently waited as I coddled my inner child if only for a few minutes.  

I went to Abercrombie next and got some more revealing clothes.  Mike didn’t object, but I could swear he rolled his eyes at one item I picked out.  Across the way was the Disney Store.  I had to look.  There were a lot of stuffed animals and figurines that I was so tempted to get, but that was not the mission.  I settled for a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, and a Disney World hoodie.

Before going onto American Eagle, I stopped at Auntie Anne’s pretzels.  I got one with ranch to dip and one for Mike with nacho cheese along with a Cherry Limeade.  I rounded the corner after finishing my clearance purchases in American Eagle, and I saw it.  The  jack in box music yelled my name and the multicolored lights bedazzled me.  But it was the horse that brought me to my knees. 

“Please Mike, can I ride it?”  I begged.

He laughed at my immaturity, but then took the request seriously.  I saw him scanning the crowd and then his eyes focused on the line.  Luckily there was none. 

I bounced up and down with excitement.  “Please, please, please,  Mike.  I’ll be your best friend forever.”

He looked down at his watch and rolled his eyes with a  snarl of a smile.  He sighed,  “Fine but only one time.  You need to get more clothes and make it back to the arena by three.”

I nodded and pranced off picking a bejeweled white mare and went around and around for about five minutes before the ride came to an end.  The pure joy of being about to do something so childlike was freeing.  With new vigor I was able to face the shoe shop.  I must have tried on a hundred to get 5 pairs.  They would have to do it.  I was a bit exhausted by this point.

“Mike, can we stop for lunch?” I whined.

“Yes, that sounds like a good idea.  Where are you thinking Miss Kitty?”

I went to the directory and scanned the dining options.  I wasn’t really in the mood for the greasy food court, so I looked at the restaurants on the list I had two.  Applebee’s or Rainforest Cafe.   I took Mike to the Rainforest Cafe.   I ordered the Rainforest Burger and sat where I could watch the demonstrations with the parrots.

After lunch I hit a couple more stores before going into Petland.  Mike quickly found that I wanted to cuddle them all, so at about the fourth one he said, “One more and we have to get going.  You still need to get under things and pick up your books from Barnes and Noble.  I picked the loneliest overlooked puppy to play with for a while.  He was so sweet, I wanted to get him and take him with us but I knew with life on the road and being in a dorm for the fall it wouldn’t be fair to it.  I prayed that it found a happy home.  

  Lastly I wandered into Victoria’s Secret to get some underwear and some cute things to sleep in.  I stayed really basic with my selections and didn’t make Mike endure it any longer than I had to.  By the end of the day I spent a grand total of 3000 dollars.  That was more than I have ever spent in my life at one time.  However I was set for the summer, unless I lost something I did not foresee me needing anything until well after school started.  I did feel a little guilty that Chris was paying for all this.  I tried to honor his request as much as possible, but swimsuits gave me a problem.  I was reduced to bikinis because they were the only thing cute.  

“Where are your workout clothes Amy?”  Mike asked.

“I didn’t get any.”  I shrugged.  

“Go into Dick’s and get enough to last a week at least.  Also you need to get a one piece.” He commanded. 

As I was making selections based on color and comfort he walked around the place picking up weights, medicine balls, bands, boxing gloves, and a yoga mat. He came back smiling. “I think this will do it.”

“What’s all that for?”  I asked.

“Your morning PT.”  He said as if I was filled in on this idea.

“Where’s that in the schedule?”  I asked.

“Half an hour after breakfast.”  He said very satisfied with himself.

“Why?”  I asked.

“Because that is when I could fit it in with all my other duties.”  He explained as if I was spoiled.

“No,  I mean why are you training me?”  I asked, confused. I didn’t need to be in shape for a video or the stage.  It was an utter waste of time.

“Chris’s idea.  I agree with him.  Hanging out with these guys it is in your best interest to be able to run and hit with the best of them.  I will also show you some self defense moves.  However, that is not to take the place of me being your security. Understood.”  He gave me the I am not taking any bullshit on this look.

I nodded.  But really I didn’t understand any of it.  We went to Barnes and Noble and purchased an obscene amount so I could start my classes that afternoon if I wanted to.  I didn’t, but it would keep me occupied until time for the show.  

Mike placed all my packages on the bus.  We weren’t spending the night at the hotel. As soon as the guys got in a good shower, we were heading down to Nashville.  It was going to be a long ride.  I made sure that I had what I needed for the ride on my bunk and all the other bags went beneath. 

Renee came on behind me.   “Mike says you went shopping today.  Get anything good?”

I smiled.   “I found some sales.  I should be set for the summer.”

   “That’s great, are you going to show me, or are you going to make me beg?” She asked, her eyes sparkled like a child on Christmas morning.

I decided to indulge her. “Sure, I had to spend most of it on a computer and a camera.  They are cool, but I think the guys will be more interested in those than you are.  Most of the bags are in the storage compartment.”  I led her down there and showed her my bargains.

She pouted as she rifled through my shirts, shorts and jeans. “You didn’t get anything the least bit girlie here.  I am disappointed.   Those daisy dukes will give Chris a coronary though.”

“That was the point.  I got some dresses though too.”  I took them out of the coverings and showed them to her.

She smiled in satisfaction.  “It looks like I have a lot of work to do.  Next time you go shopping let me know and we will try out some higher end places.  That way we can get some things that are sexy.”

I held up a halter top.  “This isn’t sexy?”

“No, I would call that slutty.  Promise me you will be miles from Chris if you decide to wear that.  In fact I don’t think it is a fit for any of the guys at all.”

“You will have to show me what you mean by sexy. I don’t know if I have the first idea about it.  I am too much of a child. “

“Don’t beat yourself up.  It takes time to learn all of this stuff.  I have time to teach you.  I used to go shopping with my sister a lot. She is about your age.  So are you ready for your first night of work?”  She asked.

“Work?”  I was kind of confused.

“Yeah the internship Chris set you up with.  I heard Kevin say he was going to place you in fan services with Gina tonight.” She explained as my head was spinning. 

“What will I be doing?”  I asked, trying to wrap my mind around this new but, in a way pleasing development.  I wouldn’t be as restricted as I first thought.  I wouldn’t have to hide from town to town and that was a good thing.

“Oh probably just handing out backstage passes and babysitting the teeny boppers that won the local radio contests.  The official title I think is Green Room Hostess.  She told me it was the easiest thing in the world.

“That doesn’t sound too hard.”  I agreed, but as I thought about it.  It would be very hard.  I would have to deal with the public and that wasn’t my strong suit.  I was better at doing little things behind the scenes.

“Yeah you are right.  It is a very cushy, almost unnecessary job. Chris said something about you needing a work study class to finish out your high school diploma.  He said that your mom was traveling with work and she didn’t feel comfortable leaving you at home to finish up, especially with your brother out of town.” She told me the pack of lies Chris had cooked up.

I nodded and agreed.  It would not do for me to contradict him by any means.  “Yeah we thought we could do the internship at my grandparents, but they live in a rural area and there aren’t many opportunities.  When Chris heard what was going on he offered.  He is always taking care of me.”  Part of me felt bad that I was lying to Renee but she seemed to be buying it.  Chris had set the story up pretty air tight.  

“It is nice of Chris to have you so close.  Why is Mike close to you though?  Normally he is on girlfriend, and family duty?”  She asked, digging too close for comfort.  I couldn’t explain it all I knew.

“Chris must consider me family.”  I said hoping it ended any further discussion.

“Yeah working so close to the fans and knowing them so well I can see why he might want someone nearby just in case.  Well we should probably head to the arena.”  She said buying it, hook, line and sinker.  This was too easy.  I was going to have to remember this for the nights that I was out past curfew.

I nodded and we got Mike to drive us.  On the way we started talking about the hairstyle and clothes Britney was wearing for her last video.

Once there I literally ran into Josh in the hall.  He was talking on his cell, not paying attention to where he was going when I rounded the corner.  He reached out to steady me as I was pushed backwards.

He laughed.  “We have to stop meeting one another like this.”

“Is that a line?”  I smiled up at him.

“Do you want it to be?”  He paused, putting his finger up to me.  “Hold that thought”  Into the phone he said. “Hey Bobbee.  The crew is arriving.  I have to start getting ready for tonight,  uh huh, yeah, no,  Babe you know that,  argh.  Next Friday. Until then.  Back at yah.”

He turned to me, smirking. “Sorry about that. My girlfriend is coming in next week.”

“Oh that must be exciting for you.” I probed, all the while my heart was plummeting to the floor.

“I will be surprised if she lasts all week.”  Josh said in a voice that sounded like he didn’t care one way or the other.

“Perhaps she will surprise you.”  I said hopefully.

“Let’s hope not.”   He seethed as that would be the worst surprise in the world.  “So what are you up to?”

“I am looking for Gina to get the fan list for tonight.” I said kind of proud that I had a purpose for once.

“So you get to deal with the screamers and fainters.” He chuckled.

“JC, you’re bad”   I protested.

“Kidding.  You have time before you have to really be anywhere.  Wanna grab a drink or something.”  He asked sincerely.

I nodded and he led me back to the green room and tossed me a coke. He opened his water and guzzled it down.  “Kickback and relax babe unless you're too wired.”

I sat on the couch and Josh came beside me.  He turned on the television, and randomly started flipping through channels.  “Stop me if you see anything you like.”

I really didn’t care what he picked, his scent was paralyzing my decision making capacity, and his mere presence was zapping  my ability to speak.  It wasn’t until he landed on the Playboy channel that was able to speak up a bit.

“No, not that.”  I said quietly.

“What’s wrong with a little sex?”  He turned to me, and as he noticed I was blushing he turned it off.  “On second thought, why don’t we play pool.’

“Sure but I am not any good.”  I admitted, already knowing the outcome of this game.

“Don’t worry I will teach you.”  He said as he racked up the balls in order. “Do you want to break or should I?”

“You go ahead.   I am sure to miss it anyway.”  I shrugged, not really caring either way. 

Josh smiled and broke the balls, then he handed the cue to me.  I totally flubbed it barely hitting the cue ball.

“You are holding that all wrong.  Hold your hands further back on the shaft.”  He said, pointing out where I needed to be.  

I adjusted and tried again.  This time the success was abysmal.  “Once more.” He breathed into my ears standing right behind me.   He took my hand in his and adjusted my grip.  “Treat it like a cock.  You have to hold it firm, but not so tight you will break it.   Just relax.  Now try.”

This time I hit a ball, it didn’t go in the hole, but at least I made contact.  He took the cue and shot one in easily.  Then he showed off a bit by calling and trying an impossible stance that he absolutely nailed.

“Remind me never to bet against you in a pool match.”  I said kind of in awe of his skill.

He giggled.  “I think you will do well to remember that on your own.  I never stop anyone on a fool's bet.  Speaking of…  Are you ready to beg yet, honey?”

“No.”  I said aghast, and slapped him on the shoulder.

“Can’t blame a guy for asking.   I was just thinking the other night of all the things I could make you do.’

“I think your girlfriend would have a healthy objection to this bet.”  I remarked trying to avoid the lust in his eyes.

“I don’t see where it concerns her.  It's your turn by the way.”  He said almost too casually as he handed the cue to me.

“Okay.”  I snatched the cue from his hands and half heartedly tried to knock the ball in.  My form was worse than before Josh had corrected it the first time.

“You are not even trying Amy.  If you don’t want to play just say so.”  He called me out in frustration.

“I am just not any good.  What is the point?”  I asked in a defeated voice.

“You never will be if you don’t practice.” Josh said positivity oozing from his pores.

Not wanting our time to be over I relented to his encouragement.“Fine, I will try to focus.”

“Let me help, remember your stance.”  He stepped back and looked at my posture.  He came back and adjusted me again.  “This time I want you to look more at where you want the ball to go than the ball itself.”  

I hit it but not with enough strength behind it.  

“Good, just a little harder next time.  You aren’t going to break anything.  In your case I am going to say the harder the better.  You are too tentative.  Just relax and it should go in.”  He got up behind me and guided my hands through the hit.  “See that is how you do it.”

He was leaning on me like that as Renee walked into the room.

“Be thankful I am not Chris, Chasez.” She announced her presence.

“Hey gorgeous, you need me?”  Josh wiggled his eyebrows.

“In about fifteen minutes without your cell.”  She ordered not even entertaining any of his bullshit.

“Yes mistress.”  He quipped with a wink.

“Don’t start that.” She admonished as she crossed her arms glaring at him.

“I’ll start whatever I want.”  He mocked.

“You really want to fight me, when I can describe this charming little scene to Chris.”  She threatened, bringing him back to the reality of the situation.

He put his hands up in concession.  “This is innocent, I was just teaching the girl to play pool.’

“Sure, that would explain why your pole is at full attention.”  Her eyes roaming to his obviously hardened package.

I blushed at the situation.  This did not look good at all.

He laughed, “That is blackmail and you know it.  Just remember I have enough on you that if you even think about going to Chris about this or anything else for that matter, Damon will have you tied up in knots so fast you won’t know what hit you.”

“Why are you bringing my boyfriend into this?”  She huffed, her cheeks turning cherry red.

“Because you should know by now I don’t play fair.”  He lifted his eyebrow in challenge.

“Be that as it may, it wasn’t you I was looking for to begin with. It was Amy.  Gina needs her help.  So, if you will excuse us, I will take her away from you.”  She explained almost apologetically.

“I don’t know Renee.  I think you are on shaky ground.  I think next time Damon comes into town we will have a little conversation about respect.”  He ominously repeated his warning.

“Come Amy before Gina enlists Chris’s help.  You know none of us wants that.”  She ordered, grabbing me by my hand and pushing me gently out of the room.

“That’s right darling.  Chris is in the dark.”  He mockingly yelled after her.

I stumbled out into the hall with Renee.   Reasoning slowly started to return to me as the fresh recycled air hit my lungs.  I could see a bit of fear in her eyes.

“What does Josh have on you?”  I asked, my eyes shocked at what power he held over her.  

“Just a couple of my indiscretions.  It gets lonely on the road, and sometimes I forget myself and do really stupid things. JC was just reminding me of that fact.”  She explained without telling me any of the juicy details.

“So whose Damon?”  I asked, wanting to get to know my chaperone better.  It might be helpful if I landed in scrapes of my own.

“He is a fraternity brother of JC’s.  We met shortly before the first tour, and have been dating ever since.  Of course his work and this tour keeps us apart.”  She briefly told the history of her relationship.

“So it would break you up if Josh was to spill the beans.”  I asked cautiously, a little bit fearful for her.

“No, probably not.  Though I can tell you this I wouldn’t be able to walk straight for a couple days.”  She said laughing off any real harm that could come to her.

I giggled, not knowing if that was a good thing.

“Hey you be careful.  JC may be having fun at my expense, but he isn’t playing a game with you.  His eyes looked all business.”  She warned me sincerely.

“What do you mean?”  I asked, clearly oblivious of his intentions.

“I shudder to think what may have happened if I hadn’t walked in the room when I did.”  She admitted, fear clouding her eyes.

“No, that is Josh just being himself.”  I said hardly knowing or expecting anything else out of the man.

“It is more than that.   Will you listen to yourself, you are calling him by his given name.  Not many people do that.  You are under his spell and you aren’t going to realize how much so until it is too late.”  She started to lecture.

My eyes glazed over as this was not the first warning I heard as far as Josh was concerned. “Mike warned me off yesterday.  I am not surprised you feel the same way.  I will try to be good.   I can’t promise much though.”

“Just see that you follow Chris’s rules.”  She said as her last word on the matter to me.

She led me to Gina and she handed me the list.  I spent the next hour asking fans their name, giving them a VIP pass.  Once all the busy work was done, I loaded up the paper so that they could transport it to the next venue.  Some security guys came to place it at the bottom of one of the guy’s buses, and I was left with nothing to do other than talk to the fans.

“Hi, I am Mandy.  How did you get this job?”  She asked.

“My brother and Chris are friends.”  I told her honestly.

“You're lucky.  You know I had to skip school and call the radio station like one hundred times to get this pass.”  She oozed with her gooey glee like all the rest of them.

I plastered a smile and told her “Well at least you're in.”

“What are the guys like?”  One girl asked in an overly excited high pitched voice.  Josh wasn’t joking about fainters and screamers.  The guys had not even come into the meet and greet room yet.

I shrugged, “Normal I guess.”   I held my tongue about the fact that all of them seemed to be players, or that  Lance was drunk all the time.  

“Are you dating any of them?”  She probed trying to get insider knowledge.

“No.”  I answered simply.

I answered several similar dumb questions, some I relied on my play book of knowledge baby blue, Mexican,  and boxer briefs.  I really wasn’t telling them anything new so they stopped harassing me.  I sat there until the guys came in.  They were very gracious and spoke to everyone assembled.  I waited til everyone was gone and helped the cleaning crew remove any items left in the room.  Then I made my way into the VIP area to watch the show.  The opening acts were rather boring, so I left the area to go exploring.  I didn’t really think it was going to be that much of a problem.   I was not famous, nor was I related to the guys.  I was just a friend of the family.  No one should have cared where I had gone.

I got in line to get a coke because I was thirsty.  There were a couple of teenage guys ahead of me and some middle aged ones behind me.  I figured the younger ones were here because their girlfriends dragged them, or else they were gay.  The older men I figured were on daddy duty.  With such options I wasn’t paying attention to the looks I was getting.

“Why’s a hot girl like you at a bogus concert like this?” One of the younger guys asked me.

“I happen to like the music.”  I said, and tried to ignore him.

“What do you say we leave this popsicle stand?” He said, trying to look down my top.

I felt like playing with him so I quipped, ``What and lose my chance with Justin, you can’t be serious.”

He grabbed my arm.  “I can show you things that Justin couldn’t even dream about.”

“Let go of me.”  I struggled to wench myself away.

“You heard the girl.” A deep voice bellowed.

I looked up and saw Mike standing there.

“Yeah you heard muscles here, let go of me.” I smirked at him.

“Bitch.” The jerk stalked off into the crowd to avoid being detained.

I rubbed my arm and let Mike lead me away.  

“Are you okay Miss Kitty?”  He questioned, looking me over carefully.

“I’m fine.”  I huffed. When we were far enough back I complained.  “Mike, I am still thirsty.”

“Don’t worry girl, the vip tent is around the corner.  Don’t be wasting your money.”  He led me to the VIP tent, and a coke was given to me for free.  I got some nachos too and found the way back to my seat.  As usual the show was electric.  Mike maneuvered me to the buses prior to the quick out.

It had been a long day and I was exhausted.  I made my way to my bunk.  I was about to lay down when I saw a box that hadn’t been there before. It was wrapped.  I opened the note first.  

Little One

Mike told me you wanted the doll.  I couldn’t stand the idea of you not having it.  If I can make your dreams come true, I will.  Oh don’t worry about the dog.  I bought it and it is now on the way to my mom’s house for my sisters to play with.  That way you will have an excuse to visit once the tour is over.

Chris

I opened up the doll’s packaging and held it close to me.  Overwhelmed by weariness and emotion I fell asleep.

 

Part 5 Trouble Up in the Club

Over the next couple days I let the schedule take hold of us.  I gave Josh a wide berth as much as I could on the tour bus.  I spent most of my time on my bunk staring out the window watching the world go by.  At a certain point in the monotony of the day, Justin would come back with some game or activity to keep me involved.  

I strictly went back to my room after any concert, or to my bunk if we were traveling.  My depression was settling in and my nightmares were getting worse if I drifted off without taking my pills, which was often due to the necessity to sleep anytime you could.  Chris took the duty of coddling me as he didn’t trust any of the guys to do it.  

 That weekend I was sitting in my bunk listening to my Ipod when Josh boarded with Bobbee.  She was beautiful and model-like.  I didn’t think I could live up to anything like that.  So I stayed where I was continuing to write and think poorly of myself.  No one addressed that I didn’t introduce myself, and she obviously did not care who I was.  I sulked all day until Justin dragged me to the center of the bus.  

“You are going to play Mortal Kombat with me and you are going to like it.”  He declared.

I smiled.  The challenge was issued and Justin was going down.  I rolled up my sleeves and as I was about to beat him he tackled me to the ground.

“Justin what’s with that?” I cried out laughing as he had started to tickle me.

“You were winning.  I didn’t like it. You can’t beat me Roo.”  He kissed my nose.

A water bottle was sitting precariously on the table and I was close enough to it I was able to  grab it.  It was open so Justin did not see it coming when I drenched his curls.

At that he picked me up and turned me upside down, swinging me by my ankles.  I tried to get at him but he had  me held out far enough that I couldn’t.

“Someone help me!!!”  I screamed.  “Justin put me down.”

Nobody lifted a finger.   “Will you submit to me and announce to everyone that I am the supreme ruler of Mortal Kombat?”  He asked.

“Yes, anything just quit Justin.” I begged.

“I am waiting to hear the words.”  He smugly taunted.

“Everybody, Justin is the supreme ruler of Mortal Kombat.”  No one was really paying attention or even cared.

He shrugged at this point not really caring one way or another.  “I guess I can let you up if you go get me another bottle of water.”

I nodded and headed over to the kitchen area to get his water.  Josh was blocking my way.

“Going somewhere beautiful?”  He asked.

“Get out of my way.”  I snapped.

“Nope I think not.”  He held me off with one hand.

“What will make you move?” I sighed exasperated with him.  I still didn’t want to deal with his shit.  I just wanted it all to go away, especially him.

“If you beg for it.” He said, all cocky.

I rolled my eyes.  “Your girlfriend is in your bunk, why don’t you make her.” At that I stormed off in the direction of my bunk.

“Roo, you forgot something?” Justin asked, dismayed that I was welching on our agreement.

“Get it yourself  Justin.”  To which Justin went over to Josh.

“What did you do to her?” He asked.

“Nothing, I just didn’t move out of her way and she got all pissy.” Josh rather clumsily explained himself.

“Stop the innocent act with me.” Justin got eye to eye with him as if he was going to fight for my honor.

“I might have said something about fucking Bobbee, but the girl has to realize that is what grownups do around here.” He admitted reluctantly.

“What’s the game Josh?”  Justin demanded

“No game.”  He licked his lips and averted his eyes.

“Chris said full commitment.”  Justin reminded him.

“I know.”  He grinned at Justin evilly and patted him on the head.  Then went back to his bunk and hopped in with Bobbee.  

I tried to ignore them.  My walkman was good for that.  Thankfully I was exhausted and fell victim to sleep.  It was later that night I woke up in Josh’s arms out by the tv.

I immediately tried to hop off his lap, but he held me tight.

“Shh, you had a nightmare.  I didn’t want you to wake the others so I brought you out here.”  He tried to explain the situation away.

“Why are you holding on to me?”  I asked, struggling to get out of his arms.  We were not doing this again.  He was not going to hurt me.

“That and singing to you was the only thing that calmed you down, Amy.”

I shook my head.  “Alright.”

“Do you have something you take?  You know, to help you with this.” He looked me in the eyes searching for lies.

“Yeah but I don’t want to.   I don’t like how I feel the next morning.” I sheepishly admitted.  It wasn't a good excuse.  The medicine actually did help.  I just had to take it, for it to do so.

“Please will you do it for me? As much as I like holding you like this, it is cutting into my sleep too.  I kind of value it.”  He begged me, wanting me to see how my actions were hurting myself and the guys.

“I think I will just stay up and watch a little tv.  Thanks though Josh.”  I put it off. Delay was often a good technique for getting out of shit I didn’t want to do.  However I was quickly called out on it.

“Damnit no.  I will not let you continue to hurt yourself.”  He was getting mad.  

“You have no power over me Josh.”  I pushed him away.

“I don’t mind taking care of you Amy, however holding you like this is pure torture.  You got to get your mental health straightened out.  I don’t know how much longer I can continue to do this for you.”  Desperation laced his every word.

“I never asked you to.”  Tears welled in my eyes as I turned away from him.

“You will never have to, Amy.  If you need to unburden I will always be here like I have been.  It might just be safer for us both to do it in writing and not in person.” He explained with brutal calculation.

“Yeah this isn’t fair to Bobbee.”  I agreed, feeling a little bit ashamed over my selfishness.

“I can fucking care less about Bobbee and what is or is not fair to her.  As far as I am concerned she has gotten what she wanted and needed from me, and the relationship is over.”  He revealed as if he was saying something as trivial as he preferred Coke to Pepsi.

“So your heart will need time to heal.”  I reasoned, thinking that I certainly didn’t want to be a rebound girl.

 He laughed bitterly, “My heart was never involved.  It was more a business arrangement.  She served her purpose and now it is time for us both to move on.”

“How can you be so calloused?”  I asked, confused by his lack of emotion.

“If Chris would allow you to have multiple relationships you would understand.  Love is a dream that is always unfulfilled.  When I was your age I thought I found it,  but as I got more famous it just got harder to trust anything was real.  I’ve been fucked over by every girl I have been with.  The club fucked me.  Lou fucked me over royally.  I could go on but a pretty girl like you does not need to hear all the bitterness in my heart.”

“I’m sorry Josh.” 

He looked at me blankly,  “What do you have to be sorry for?  You just called me out on my shit.  I actually like it.  You don’t know how many people are afraid of speaking the truth to me.  It made me hard from our first conversation.”

“Well if my honesty has that effect on you, maybe I should take up lying.”  I joked.

He shook his head,  “No, if you did that you would tap into my darkside.  I guarantee that you are by no means ready for the evil son of a bitch I can be.  Be safe and never lie to me.”  He ominously warned.  “Now where’s your pill?”

“In my bag.” I sighed.

“Go get the bottle and bring it to me.”  He commanded as he waved me off to my bunk.

I nodded and dug through my stuff finding it in my toiletries bag.  I walked back and handed it to him.  He opened it up, and got the one pill the directions demanded.  “Open up.”

Obediently I opened my mouth, he placed it on my tongue and handed me a bottle of water.  “Drink and swallow it.”

I guzzled down a swallow.  “Tongue out.  Swallow again.”  He lifted my chin and felt the water go down my esophagus and handed me back the bottle.  “Can you make it to your bed or do I need to carry you?”

“I can make it on my own.” He nodded but followed me.  I put the bottle back in my bag and laid down.  A deep sleep overtook me.

The next morning I got up and went to the breakfast nook with my journal.  A few minutes later he came and handed me a venti mocha and an everything bagel with strawberry cream cheese.

“We stopped for breakfast.  You were out of it, but I thought you might like this.” He said simply and then left me to my work, before I could even say thank you.  

I looked at it in shock.  It was what I would have ordered for myself.  He must have been paying attention.  Though I had to wonder why he was being so nice now.  I couldn’t think about it too much.  It would drive me crazier than I was.  

So for the next week my days were well structured and I woke up at 8.  Shower and eat.  Workout with Mike.  Shower again.  Eat again.  Study.  Write.  Study some more.  Hang out at the pool.  Study yet again.  Get ready to go to the show.  Eat dinner with the guys.  Watch the show.  Head back to the hotel or on the bus to the next city.  It was a rhythm.  If we were in a larger city, I could sometimes convince Mike to take in some of the tourist sites.  On good days PT took place in a nice park.  But Mike didn’t let up.  He was not a nice trainer, but I was in better shape than I ever was. 

 I still wondered why such a thing was necessary.  I was a high school kid.  I wasn’t going to be a model, an actress or a singer.  I was really no one.  If it wasn’t for Brian being friends with Chris I would be in BFE Pennsylvania working on haying my grandmother’s farm and dreaming about the impossibility of going to college.  

Now college was on the horizon.  I didn’t know if I was really ready.  Academically I could probably excel but I was never one to make friendships.  There was a lot I just wouldn’t talk about.  There was too much trauma.  I didn’t even talk to my shrink about most of what I could remember.  Between bouncing between foster homes, institutions and various relatives I trusted no one.   

I think I would have blown Brian’s Air Force numbers out of the water by the time Mike was done with me.  The schedule was really only altered if it was a travel day. On those days I didn’t read or write unless the guys were sleeping or otherwise occupied.  While they were awake, I watched copious amounts of action movies, and played countless video game marathons.  Sometimes if we were feeling like it we would play cards or some type of board game.  Participation in the activities varied based on stages of hangovers or the presence of girlfriends.  Sometimes the guys were busy talking on the phone to various people in the business or their families.  During these times I would sit up front and journal or play with Photoshop.  Sometimes I would write stories about the pictures I took.  My collection would be the envy of every fan because I had an all access pass.  For weeks where I went the camera went.  I got some really compromising shots although nothing was pornographic at this point. 

I stayed away from Josh and pulled into myself.  It wouldn’t be good to get attached to some man that would just leave me as everyone had before.  My life was not meant for happiness.  I was too damaged.  No one would love me.  If my mind hadn’t been repressing the events that led to my hospitalization I knew I would be thinking even more in that direction.  My confidence in what little I had was shattered.  

I kept telling myself he must have been drunk that night.  Or that was just the way he was with any new girl in his life.  He would flirt and then give the brush off when it got too close.  

A couple days later the guys were going out after the show because we were in a bigger city and they wanted to soak in the night life.  

“You're coming out with us right?”  Justin asked.  Excitement was apparent in the bounce of his knee.  

“Chris said I could come and dance for a couple hours, so long as I promised not to drink.”  I said, proud of the compromise we had come to.

“Good.”  He looked me up and down. “Is that what you are wearing?”

“Yeah,  I didn’t want to attract attention tonight.”  I said softly.  I was still in my cargo shorts, polo and checked Converse from working the show.

“We can do better than that.  Let me in.”  He demanded.

“Renee won’t like it.”  I protested as Justin barrelled through the door.

 

Justin grinned, “Yes she will.  She is going to help.”

Renee looked up from her sewing,  “Justin what the fuck?”

“You are going to help us get Amy ready for clubbing tonight.  Chris gave me the greenlight.”  Justin announced with too much fanfare.  He grabbed my hand and sat me down in the most comfortable chair in the room, and went to the bathroom and scattered all the makeup across my bed.  “I don’t know what to do with these.  Start on her Renee.  Amy I didn’t see any clothes in the closet.  Tell me you have some dresses.”

“I do but they are all on the bus in the storage compartment.”  I told him.

He sighed and thought for a couple minutes, then opened his phone.  “Dre man, Amy left her dresses on our bus.  We need to pick out one for tonight. Can you get someone to bring them up to her room?”  There was a short pause.  “We should have them in about ten minutes.  I hope it was worth his while.”  He then smiled at me before making another phone call.  “Lance man, come to Amy’s room.  I need your eye.”  Justin had turned on the speaker at this point.

“Come on Justin, I am waiting for Mik.”  Lance whined.

“Yeah, just like last night.  You claimed she was coming, but what did you end up doing?  You got drunk on Southern Comfort and watched gay porn.” Justin taunted.

“I didn’t feel like going out.  You know how stressful it is.”  He responded seriously, his vulnerability bleeding through the phone line.

Justin furrowed his brow, before placating his brother.  “Yeah man I get it.  I am not forcing you to go.  I just want you to help with getting Amy ready.”

“Why don’t you ask Joey?” Lance deflected.

“His only contribution to the discussion would be crotchless panties and you know it.”  Laughing at his own joke.

“Yeah I get it.  He won’t be helpful.  You can always ask Josh, he is sometimes good at these things.” Lance suggested trying to find yet another way to avoid leaving his room for any length of time.  

“No, he doesn’t get to see until we get there.”

“Why?” Lance asked, perplexed.

Justin grinned wide,  “Reasons.”

“Chris?”

“No, I don’t want her wearing Osh Kosh B’gosh on the dance floor.”

“Fine I will be down in five.”  He huffed, clicking his phone off.

Lance wandered in with the dresses.  “I think these were what you were looking for Justin.”

Justin smiled and went to Lance.  “Get in here and close the damn door.  We can’t have anyone seeing this masterpiece until we are ready.”  

Lance's bass voice rumbled in a chuckle as he started to remove the store bags to see what we were looking at.  “You done Renee?  Her face looks awesome.”  Renee nodded.  “Stand up princess let me see.”  He held a dress up to me and tossed it aside casually on the bed.  “Too short.  Chris would kill us.”  After looking through all of them he handed two of them to me.    “Try one of those on. I need to see how they lay to make the final decision.”

Justin shook his head.  “Save us all the time and try on the blue one.”

Lance smiled,  “You are right that will bring out the light in her eyes.”

I did as they requested.  They both whistled, and Lance said,  “I think my job is done here.  You are gorgeous, princess.”

I blushed, and Lance played with my hair trying to see if an updo would match.  “Renee, I think she should keep it down, maybe add a few curls.”  Then he looked pointedly at Justin.  “Take care of her.  Chris will not like it if you get distracted tonight.”  

Justin grinned evilly.  “Trust me.  She will be well taken care of.”  He waited pacing for several minutes as Renee put the final set of curls in my hair.  Once done he commanded,  “Amy, put on your sandals and come with me, we can't be late.”  He turned to Lance.  “Are you sure I can’t talk you into coming out tonight?  It will be entertaining to watch.”

Lance laughed.  “I don’t want to be anywhere near this if it blows up in your meddling face.  Besides Mik is really coming in tonight.”  His phone rang as if to prove his point.  “That’s her now.”  He answered it and started walking towards his room.

Justin turned to me.  “So are you ready?”  He asked with a grin on his face.

I nodded and followed him out to the awaiting town car.  I was questioning how my life was now.  I was going out for a night on the town with my friend, Justin.  Going to the club with him got me in the door with no questions or hassle.  He made sure I got the underage bracelet just in case we got split up. 

For some reason Justin was sticking very close to me.  

“So Amy, do you see any one you are interested in?”  He asked.  I knew he had already found his quarry for the night and didn’t want to be held down by me.  The impatience squirted out of his voice.

I wrinkled up my nose.  The place was dead as far as I was concerned.  I wasn’t ready to begin thinking about someone else.  

“No” I answered flatly and uninterested.

“There are some hot guys here tonight.  Look around Amy.  What about that guy over there? He has to be a hunk of burning love.”  He exclaimed in that flaming voice of his.

I laughed.  “A hunk of burning love.  You can put your tongue away Justin. You are drooling.  If I didn’t know any better I would think you were gay.”

“I am not gay.” He protested a little too loudly to be believed.  “But really what do you think of that studly man over there?”

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “Not my type. You might want to go after him.”

“Amy, you must stop that.  Someone might overhear you taunting me and think the wrong thing.”  He said with a bit of fake aghast.

“Nothing is wrong with it.  Come out of the closet and admit it.”  I taunted but he wasn’t biting.

Justin grinned.  “So what about that one?”  I looked over and I saw this guy that had dark hair and blue eyes.  It wasn’t Josh. He was too thick around the middle, but he was cute.  Though, I could have sworn Justin was baiting me.

I just commented.  “Close but not quite.”  My eyes trailed off in Josh’s direction at the bar.  I guess they had been doing that all night.  When I squashed the idea of “Mr. Gorgeous” as Justin called him, he did indeed get suspicious.  His eyes traveled to where mine were lingering.

“No, not him Amy anyone but.  His ass is way too skinny.  And that hair girl you can’t tell me you are into that.   Oh and please the clothes.  I can’t believe his mama let him out of the house like that.  Whatever do you see in him?”  He giggled, I could tell he was joking but his insults just made me want to slug him.  I controlled myself however it would never do to give a star a black eye.

“Meh,  I am just not into it tonight.  I am sorry you went through all this trouble for nothing.”  I was a bit deflated.  I knew this wasn’t my scene.  Why I let Justin talk me into this uncomfortable situation I did not know.

“Come on Amy, put yourself out there for me.  Go ask Mr. Beautiful over there to dance.  You know you want to.”  Justin dared.  

Not wanting to seem scared I went over.  I didn’t know how to approach it but luckily the guy had taken one look at me and decided what I wanted.

“You want to dance baby?”  He asked with a grin.  Now I know that look was a leer; but I am getting ahead of myself.

I nodded and walked into his arms.  I really didn’t know the moves but I tried to move to the music.  However he was all up in my space.  His hands were slipping all over my ass and he had the nerve to manhandle my breasts.  I was a piece of meat.  As soon as the song ended I knew I had to get away.

As the song ended I tried to unglue his hand from my rear.

“What’s the hurry baby?”  He said pulling me closer, his black signet ring dug into my skin.

“Let go of me.”  I seethed not wanting to make a scene.  

“Not in your life sexy thang.  I think it is time we leave this place and I can really show you my moves.”  He pulled on me harder, and I began to struggle to release his grip as he moved towards the door.  I fought against him as hard as I could and then I could feel some arms grab me from behind.  I kicked back to knee the unknown person in the groin, the act was dodged and deflected easily.  I was panicking now.  I needed to be free, however I didn’t want to leave the club that would be dangerous especially without Mike.  But then I heard my attacker’s voice over the thumping music and the roaring murmur of the crowd.

“Jesus, Amy calm down. I was trying to help you.” 

It was Josh’s voice.  I was extremely humiliated.  Had I made contact I would have hurt him.  That was the last thing I wanted to do.  But hearing his voice also reassured me.  Everything was going to be okay.  I was safe now.  I looked up and I could see Mike unceremoniously throwing the other guy out of the club.  I was nervous about being in Josh’s arms though.  It was as if I jumped from the frying pan directly into the fire.  He turned me in his arms pulling me close.  

“Come on, kitten dance with me.  I won’t bite.”  He said, wiggling his eyebrows.  Uncomfortably I rolled into his arms.

We danced slowly to the music and I could feel myself quickly getting carried away.  I had to get myself away from this sexy man.  I spent the better half of two songs in his arms.  My heart rate was slowing from the trauma, but I was quickly becoming intoxicated from his cologne.  Letting the music guide me I rested my head on his shoulder.  I was two seconds from nirvana before I had registered that his hands found their way to my ass.  His move was so soft and seductive I almost didn’t register that he did it.  However I knew if I encouraged him any further he would take further liberties, so  I objected to it and pulled away.  “I think I should be heading back to the hotel now.”  I said breaking off the dance.

He nodded, releasing his hold yet still guiding me by the small of my back.  ``I will see you safely back sweetheart.”  He winked at me.  

Damn there was no getting away from him.  I had to stop what he was trying to do.  Before I knew what was happening I would end up in bed with him.  However if he had any honor he would drop me off at my door.  It would be foolish to argue with him especially when he was trying to be chivalrous.  However I wasn’t going to let him get close.  Once in the car I slid as far as I could across the seat.  Josh must have noticed my nervousness so he didn’t push, at least not too much.  He did try to gently touch me on the shoulder. It was like nothing I have ever felt before the electricity rebounded through my body and I tried to enjoy it before recoiling away from it.   I could feel my dress sliding up so I adjusted the skirt rather hastily.  Josh cast his eyes away momentarily but then he refocused on me.  Before I knew it he was reaching across me.  I thought he was going to grab my breast or something, but I was more than shocked when he went for the seat belt instead.  Quickly he pulled it down and buckled me in as if I was two or something.  I was so humiliated, so I sighed and turned away.

“I could have done that myself.”  I pouted.

“I wanted to make sure you were safe, baby.  Don’t be mad.”  His eyes pleaded for me to soften my wounded heart.

“You’re a jerk.”  I muttered not wanting to fall into his spell.

“I know you are but what am I?”  He retorted in his best Pee Wee Herman voice.

I giggled a little and then sighed.  “Josh, let's not start this, I am tired.” 

He sighed as well, matching my energy. He said nothing more for several minutes, we both turned from one another looking out the windows.  I  had no idea what to say to him. banter came so easy with the other guys, I could brush off Joey's advances with a giggle, Justin was a pushover and easy to talk to, Chris knew me so well sometimes I didn't have to say anything. Lance was a little difficult to get to know but he put me on a pedestal giving me the highest gentlemanly respect, even calling me a princess. It was Josh I couldn’t speak to and I couldn't figure out why.    He was taken, and he killed my crush on him the night of the party.  This should have been a cake walk.

. Josh slid closer to me. "I apologize for that low life. I hope you don't think all guys are like that." He put his arm around me and briefly gave a quick squeeze.  Sensing I didn’t know what to do with his affection he moved back to his original position.

I didn't know what to think of him, he was either trying to use this to get in my pants or trying to act like Chris.  I didn’t want either at the moment. He was much easier to deal with when he was being a jerk. This new Josh, I didn't understand. 

“Hey.”  He said softly.  “Let me make it up to you.  He shouldn’t have ruined your evening.  How about we get something to eat before heading back.  I am thinking of loaded fries and ice cream. What do you think?”

“Yeah,  I guess we could do that.  It isn’t past curfew yet.”  I said looking at the time.  

“Good.  Hey Mike pull off to the Denny’s we are going to get something to eat.”  Josh ordered.   The car pulled up in front of the diner and Josh opened the door, helping me out.  He stood protectively in front of me as I adjusted my dress, and when I was ready he took my hand and led me to the door.  Security had gone ahead opening the door for us, making sure there weren’t rabid fans in the place.  Josh adjusted a baseball hat over his head and said that we were going to have a table for two.  He nudged me into the booth and sat across from me.  As the waitress came out with our waters he put in his order.  

“We will share a plate of loaded fries, and a hot fudge sundae.  You can get us two cokes as well.  See those guys over there.”  He pointed out his security.  The waitress looked over at them.  “Put whatever they order on my tab as well.”

The waitress giggled and did as asked.  I could tell she knew who Josh was.  We were going to get stellar service for a Denny’s.  I remember as I saw the tab for the evening he wrote in 100 dollars as a tip.  I was surprised by his generosity.  I didn’t question it, and we were out the door before we could see the waitress see what he had done.  I always wanted to see the look on people’s faces.  However Josh made sure we were long gone by the time that was possible.  It made me happy that we were providing a bit of happiness for someone.  Each time he did it, I couldn’t help but think of how thankful I was for all of my blessings, him included.  At the time I was wondering if he was a blessing, but even as simple as this meal was, it was living large if I went back home.  This would be most people’s date night after pay day or a raise type of date.  I couldn’t believe he was spoiling me like this.  I wondered about what he expected later in the evening.  

“What are you thinking about?”  He asked out of the blue.

“How this was luxury dining back home.”  I said softly.

It made him pause, he probably didn’t spend over 30 dollars for all of us.  The tip was extravagant, but that was who he was since the fame hit.  This was not fine dining by any means.  

“What was a normal dinner for you growing up, Amy?”

“Ramen or rice usually.  Sometimes I added government cheese to it, but it was gone often early in the month.”  I meekly admitted.  I am sure a scowl was on my face as I recalled those lean days.

He nodded.  “Yeah, my birth mom made a lot of that shit before mom and dad adopted me.  I thank God everyday for them.”  He lifted his coke.  “Here’s to never having to eat Ramen again, if we don’t want to.”

We clinked glasses.  “Speak for yourself.  I am going to be a poor college student in a couple of months.”

“Chris is paying for your room and board.  Campus food probably isn’t the best, but at least you won’t starve.”  He smiled softly trying to console me.

“Yeah.”  I half-heartedly agreed. 

“Are you looking forward to starting classes?”  He asked, trying to change the subject to something more positive in nature.

“I don’t have much choice do I?”  I sighed.  My feelings on the whole thing were mixed.  I was just getting used to being with the guys, and was feeling safe for the first time in my life.  I didn’t want to give up the feeling.  

“You know, I’m sure taking your basics won’t be fun, but think of it when you are into your major you will be learning from masters.”  He again focused on happy thoughts.

“Chris has been waffling about NYU.”  I admitted.

“Why?  It is a good school.”  Josh asked, surprised at the new revelation.

“He thinks it might be too big.  He thinks that even though I could handle it academically, I might not be able to socially.”  I told him, summarizing a few of the conversations that Chris and I had over the last days.

He nodded, seeming to weigh what I told him seriously in his mind.  “Yeah it is a big jump skipping two years of high school.  I am sure if it isn’t NYU, he will find something that is more suitable.”

“I could just stay with you guys.”  I offered.

“As much as we would all love to have you around Amy, you need your own life and dreams.  We don’t want to hold you back from anything.  Have you thought about doing anything with your writing?”  He asked, getting back to a favorite topic of his when it came to me.

“It is just a hobby.  It keeps me sane.”  I said undercutting any idea that I had talent in that area.

“I think it's far more.  You should major in English and work on it.  It could take you places you couldn’t even imagine.”  The passion on this matter was almost too forceful.

This conversation was turning into one of our letters.  He was always encouraging of my writing, always pushing me a little more.  This was a glimpse of the Josh I fell in love with.  I didn’t know why he had to be such a sexual freak to ruin all of that.  I had to remember his encouragement was just that.  It didn’t mean he wanted me.  In fact, what he was encouraging me to do would take me far from him.  He had a girlfriend who was supermodel pretty.  Even though he had broken up with her, I was nowhere in that girl’s league.  She was a woman, I was still a girl,  I had to tell myself.  That was the only way to avoid getting hurt by this man.

When neither of us could take another bite Josh declared we go back to the hotel.  We were in the car, and soon stopped at the back of the hotel.  We winded our way back to the service entrance.  He guided me back to my floor and deposited me in front of my door. We were quiet on the way up.  I didn’t know what to say or do.  He didn’t intrude on my thoughts.  I think he was intentionally trying to keep his in.  From his looks at me, I don’t think they were appropriate at all.  He ran his fingers delicately down my golden brown hair.  It was possessive, like he wanted to do or say so much more.  Chills ran down me, but he simply said a quiet good-night and left me there.

 

I went into my room frustrated with him, myself, and the creep and the world. Why did life have to be so complicated? Even journaling couldn't solve this problem. I sighed and took my sleeping pill before crying myself to sleep.

 

Part Six  Swimming Hijinks 

The next morning I was very groggy and did not relish the third degree.

“Hey you came in pretty late last night.” Renee said. “Who were you with?”  she asked.

I rolled my eyes, “The guys.  Josh brought me home.”

“You have been hanging out with him a lot Amy.”  She observed, letting her concern leak into her voice and expressions.

“No more than the rest of them.”  I defended myself.  I wasn’t going to admit to anything.  We were just friends, that was all.  He had a girlfriend, and had made it known with his actions that he was far too old for me.  

“It is the way you say his name and how you look at him that bothers me.   If I didn’t see him looking the same way at you I wouldn’t be worried.  He is and you need to be careful.”  She warned.  

Why the hell was everybody warning me about this man? Yeah he was a shameless flirt and a little inappropriate, but he wasn’t the one trying to hurt me.  He was being a gentleman.  

Thankfully, Renee left fairly early.  She had to style the guys.  They had gone off to a radio interview so I was left alone in my hotel room.  I wasn’t about to look at the same four walls for the day.  So, I rifled through my suitcase and found my bikini.  Putting it on I smiled.  Grabbing a towel I headed to the swimming pool area.  Because I was in need of a tan I went to the outside area and laid out reading the latest edition of Cosmo.  I ordered a smoothie and sipped on it as I got hot.  I was totally oblivious to the attention I was attracting until a waiter came up to me with a mixed drink.

“It is from that guy over there.”  The waiter said, laying it  down on the table next to me.

I sipped it and found that it was loaded with alcohol.  Knowing I shouldn’t have it, I put it aside and went on reading my magazine.  Quite a collection of drinks came my way.  I would question the waiter what it was and set it aside if any  alcohol was involved.  But I never provided any of my benefactors any attention.  That was until one of them thought it would be okay to come up to me.  

“Hey sweet thing.  What do you say you and I get out of here?” He asked.

I almost couldn’t help myself from laughing.  The guy was balding and had to be at least forty.  I shrugged and said “I am fine here thank you.’

It was then that he made a grab for my arms.  “Get your hands off me.”  I seethed.

“I would do as the lady says.”  Josh said in a low menacing voice.

I stopped cold for a second wondering how he got here so fast and right when I needed him too.  However my wits quickly came to me.  I pulled away.  And went to Josh, kissing him on his cheek.  “Thank you honey.”

He smirked.  “No problem baby.  Why didn’t you tell me you were coming down here?”

“I don’t have to run everything by you.” I told him, as if we had this fight everyday.  

He nodded.  “You are getting red.  You should go in.”

“No, I want to stay here.”  I complained.  He was getting very controlling.  I did not like it.  He was going to find out, I was going to do what the hell I pleased.  He didn’t have anything to say about it.

Josh looked at me pensively before he picked up the bottle of sunscreen.  “At least let me put this on you baby.”

I nodded, worried that the guy was still watching us.  He creeped me out and something stopped me cold when I spotted a black ring.  It was like it meant something, but my mind was hazy as to what it was.  All I knew was I had to act the part of a girlfriend, even though I did not want Josh telling me what to do.  At this point the guy had walked away and somehow without me realizing it Josh’s hands were all over me.  I moaned because it felt especially good.  “Thank you for saving me.”

“This is three times now.  I think you owe me.”  He purred seductively in my ear.

“Owe you.”  I sat up and glared at him.

“Hey it ain't my fault that your sexiness gets you in trouble.  You could tone it down, and maybe you would not have these problems.  You are just lucky it was me who found you here instead of Chris. He would have had a coronary.  I, on the other hand, appreciate a little skin.”

I was so mad at him for a reason I couldn’t put my finger on.  I had to get away from the bumbling buffoon.  So I got up and hopped in the pool.  He watched me from the edge for a while before jumping in after me.  I splashed him and swam away but he caught my foot under water.  Pulling me under and dunking me.  I fought hard against him but it was no use. I was held tight against his body.  I rubbed slightly against him and could feel his bulge hard despite the coolness of the water.  He looked me in the eyes for a couple earth shaking seconds.  It was if he was trying to find the courage deep within him to kiss me but then he thought better of it. Then he groaned and let me go.  

I looked at him shocked.  “What did I do?”  I questioned his abrupt departure. 

“Nothing baby.  You are just too young to be playing adult games.  You really don’t want what I have to give you right now.”  He warned.

With that I jumped out of the pool with tears in my eyes and ran for the elevator.  Josh was right on my heels.

“Get away from me.”  I yelled at him.

He pushed on, “Nope, not going to happen.”

“You called me a baby.”  I declared.

“Maybe because that’s what you are. Come here.  Let me dry you off. You're going to catch your death.”  The distress was evident in his voice

I had to resist though, “No thank you.”  I grabbed the towel out of his hand and I wrapped myself  in it.  Soon the elevator deposited us on our floor. 

I headed off to my room without looking back.  

I slammed the door shut. It was unnerving every time I ran into Josh, this time was no exception. I didn't know what to think. For some reason I thought that he might be attracted to me, however thanks to Chris, he thought of me as a child and that irked me to no end. But regardless I had to remember that Josh was just getting out of a relationship and that I was not going to attract his attention any further than wanting to explore idle curiosity. 

I laid on my bed deciding what to wear to lunch.  I didn’t want to be too revealing, but I still wanted to be cute just in case I ran into Josh.  It was such a pain, now that I had to actually think about what to wear.  It didn’t used to be that way.    I was getting hungry so I finally decided on some daisy dukes and a light blue polo.  I decided to go to the dining room.  I didn’t much like the idea of getting room service and staying cooped up in my room.  I knew Mike wasn't going to let me leave the hotel before the guys had to go off to the venue, so downstairs was really the better option.  It was better to get things from the dining hall than to rely on room service, it was cheaper and fresher and hotter.  I took the elevator downstairs and found a deserted place for my meal, so I could observe my surroundings without being seen by others.  Mike of course was tailing me but he stayed far enough away that people really wouldn’t notice.

I wanted a greasy cheeseburger badly, and a chocolate milkshake had my name written all over it, but I saw Chris; he was making a beeline to me.  So much for a quiet lunch.  He had been in my business more than usual of late so I quickly called the waitress back to change my order to a grilled chicken sandwich without a bun, a side salad with non-fat dressing on the side and a glass of skim milk.  I could swear I almost heard Mike laugh at the switch-a-roo.  But hey maybe with the sensible meal he would be nicer to me at our training session in the morning.  Who was I kidding?  I was running 5 miles and doing upper body weights whether I liked it or not.  But maybe he would be nice about it and not try to make me go faster or up my weights.   Damn I was getting distracted.  I really needed to think about my game plan with Chris.  I had to play the innocent.  Really nothing happened.  A whole lot could have happened, but when it came down to it nothing did.  That was my story and damn straight I was sticking to it.  I made eye contact with Chris as he came over. He had a look of determination on his face that I couldn't describe. I gulped. I just knew he had heard some rumors about last night and with the look in his eye it must have been greatly blown out of proportion.  Shit I was in so much trouble. None of it was my fault though, it wasn’t fair.  All I could do was smile weakly at him.

  "Good afternoon Chris."  I squeaked out.

"Amy" He nodded and straddled the chair across from me. "How was your evening?" He asked casually, but I could hear the suspicion laced in his voice.

   I decided it would be best just to throw it all out there and let the shit hit the fan how it may.  "It was alright, except for a guy that couldn't take no for an answer. It was okay though, Mike and Josh both took care of it before it became a big deal, and then Josh took me back to my room." 

There was no reason to lie. Chris would never trust me if I started doing that. Though it probably was a big deal in his eyes I was just hoping the fact that I was indeed protected wasn't lost on him.

Chris was grinding his teeth and was eerily silent.  I knew a thousand thoughts were rushing through his brain.  I hadn’t mentioned Justin and how we were playing the game of “Whose hot” before all the bru ha ha.  The way my side of the story sounded was that Justin had abandoned me that night, but really he didn’t.  I pushed him away so that he could have his fun.  I knew that there was a blonde that caught his eye and I didn’t want to stand in his way.  I didn’t want Justin to think that he had to baby sit me all night.  I was doing fine for myself too, until that drunk guy came along.   

Luckily for me Chris’s ADHD set in and he noticed my sunburn.  Really it was one of the lesser evils in the grand scheme of things. I didn't really mind the interrogation shift when he asked "Did we forget the sunscreen again?" 

 

"I put some on, but I guess I was out too long." I smiled to myself this was going to be easier than I thought. There was no reason that Chris needed to know about my run in with Josh or how some older men were treating me. I would keep that to myself thank you very much. Chris just couldn't be mad at me. 

That was when I saw Josh out of the corner of my eye and groaned.  He was coming over toward us.  My ship was sunk.  Chris wouldn’t think twice about grilling Josh.  He already looked like a tea kettle about to explode.  I really didn’t know what would come out of Josh’s mouth.  He was a loose cannon around Chris and depending on what he thought of me earlier I could really be in trouble. Josh resumed his strut and slid in right beside me, with audacity I was having a hard time believing. 

 

"Sit down, Josh and order something to eat. I believe we are going to have a long conversation." Chris’s eyes were blazing in controlled fury. "So, I have been hearing some interesting things, Josh. Care to explain what happened last night?"

Josh peered towards me as if he was asking me what the hell should I say to this.  I didn’t know.  I hoped to God it would be something to appease Chris, but I sort of knew he was not at the point in which he would sacrifice himself for me either.  So I just gave him a shrug and hoped it would tell him what to say without Chris noticing that on this issue we were in cahoots.  

  Josh turned his best poker face back to his bandmate. "Last night?"

“Yeah, I heard that you um helped her out with some dude on the dance floor. I want to know your version of the story." Chris was giving him the look that he had better damned well spill everything he knew or he was going to get another pounding. 

  Josh watched the vein in Chris' neck distend and throb as Chris got more worked up. That kind of thing may have worked on Justin or Lance but it didn't have much effect on Josh. I could tell that he had learned as I had that if you remained calm you would infuriate Chris more but it was all part of the game. He wasn't going to spill anything he didn't have to especially if it was going to get him in hot water. Looking calmly at me and then back to Chris.

  Josh began. "Some dude at the club got a bit too friendly with Amy and since I was the only one in view I took care of it. Not much more to say. I handled it, ALL of it." Josh put more force into those last words as he stretched and rubbed his still bruised jaw.

"You left with her, did you not? What happened then?" He asked a little skeptical that Josh could just look out for me without putting his paws on me himself. He wanted to hear from Josh's mouth that nothing happened.

"What are you insinuating, fucker?" Josh asked for a pointedly raised eyebrow. "Did you not say that we should watch out for her? Did you expect me to free her from one leech just to have her run into another bastard? Naturally, I bought her fries and ice cream then I escorted her home and dropped her at her door." Josh did his best to look honest and above board about the whole affair. 

Josh looked over at me and smiled evilly. "Amy, I thought you would be burnt to a crisp after all the sunning you did today. It is good to see that you aren't suffering any." He had the audacity to wink at me, "but you really should finish up that sandwich before it gets cold."

Chris digested what Josh had just said and swiveled his head back around to face me. “'She does look a little pink. We were talking about that before you came over? Were you out at the pool? Who was with you?"

I took a bite before answering him to stall for time. After chewing and swallowing it completely I responded. "I went on my own, but Mike was my shadow the whole time. I was completely safe Chris." I said with a little roll of my eyes.

Chris was not to be diverted from his goal. He was going to yell at someone and I seemed to be a likely target. "Well where was your sunscreen? You want to get skin cancer or something." The words just tumbled out and his anger just let them roll.

I tried to stay as calm as I could, considering the ridiculousness of the present topic of conversation "I put some on when before I went out. I didn't realize how long I was out. It must have worn off. But it isn't hurting Chris, I will be fine." Why did Josh have to come over and stir up the pot? Well at least the drinks and dirty old men weren't mentioned, if they were Chris would never let me out again.

Chris leaned over and poked at my shoulder as if he didn't believe me.  I don’t know why, I didn't even flinch from his touch. Chris felt a bit shamed by his reaction and looked away.  I glared at him with the "I told you so" look.  

We both saw the creep at the same time.  Just outside the glass of the dining room were middle-aged gentlemen in casual dress. He was staring at me, Chris picked up on that fact immediately, and it made me incredibly nervous.  I was never going to be let out of my hotel room again at this rate.   Luckily the creep’s gaze shifted and landed on Josh.  That scared the bejesus out of him, and he looked away and moved on as if I wasn’t really there.   Chris was doing the double take trying to piece together the mysterious looks.  I hoped he thought that  he was seeing things at this point.  Maybe the mushrooms from last night had in reality cooked his brain.  His head ping ponged between the both of us and in resignation he got up and left the table.

“Thanks a lot, you were really helpful back there.” I said with a sigh to Josh.

“Think nothing of it, kitten, twice in one day.  I didn’t think I would be so lucky.”

My eyes trailed where Chris was off to.  It was directly to Mike.  I didn’t have to be there to know what the conversation consisted of.  “Mike is going to rat me out.”

“Someone has to.  You were playing a very dangerous game earlier.  More than just my cock was standing at full attention to you in that lovely string bikini.” He lustfully explained.

“Will you xnay on the inikib kay?”  I begged for him to keep it down.

Josh chuckled.   “So you even admit it.”

“Admit what?” I gave him my innocent angel face.  Knowing what happened he wasn’t buying it.

“That you were dressed like a slut.”

I just turned my back on Josh watching Chris and Mike.  Mike was enjoying his steak pretty much alone, though his senses were trained. He smiled when Chris came to him and made a cheeky comment. "You think it is wise to leave the love birds alone together?"

“Love birds?” Chris wanted details but wasn't sure how forthcoming Mike would be. He was Josh's man and protected him well. 

Chris snorted in answer and shifted back to his original goal. "Who's that guy?" pointed to the gentleman at the elevators. "Do you know him?"

‘That man is a bastard. He was down by the pool. He tried to buy Amy a drink. Amy is a good little girl, she didn't drink it. However he did approach. When the guy didn't take no for an answer she went over to Josh to play lovey dovey. She thinks on her feet I can give you that. I thought I was going to have to step in and open a can of whoop ass on him. If he doesn't stop staring at her now I might just do that. Though Josh is playing his part as a jealous lusty boyfriend well.``

That was all Chris needed. He knew what Josh was like and lust wasn't something he faked. Chris rose from the table and returned to where I was sitting.  

Chris stopped in front of us "We need to talk. Upstairs." Looking pointedly at me"Now!"

I whined. "But Chris I am still eating." 

Really I was finished. This impending conversation had made me lose what little I had of my appetite.  I saw the throbbing artery and knew none of my back pedaling was going to work. “Damn, he knows it all '' I thought to myself.  The only way of getting out of this now was to play the victim.  He couldn’t begrudge me that at all.  If I gave innocent eyes and cried a little bit I would be back to where I wanted him.  I made a show of the distaste of following Chris.  I threw my napkin down.  Stomped my feet as I trudged after him and honestly I pouted the entire way.  It was unbecoming I knew it, but I was not going to get into trouble for the lack of control of others.  Not this time.   Josh’s head was spinning a little at Chris’s action, and the middle aged man saw Chris literally drag me into the elevator.  I bet I was blowing his mind at the moment.  But who cared, the dude was insignificant except for the fact that he was the person that got me into this fix in the first place.

After I was on the elevator and the door closed Chris leaned back against the wall and glared at me.

I looked up at him nervously. I knew he was mad about something at the time I thought it was an old guy.  I was going to play the dumb and injured card though.  "So what are you so mad about that you had to take me away from my lunch. It was rude, you know."

"You looked like you were done." He shrugged his shoulders.  He huffed and I could tell the guilt was working on him a little bit if not a lot.  But his response was callous. "Could have taken it with you."

Alright I admit it I was pissed and I took it out on him.  "You didn't answer my question. What are you so fucking pissed about." I yelled just as he yanked me into his room.

Chris spun on his heels and stared me down once the door was closed and privacy was guaranteed for this domestic disturbance.  The color in his face was rising.  It was then I knew I hit his nerve and the lava was going to flow unencumbered.  "Why didn't you tell me about the old guy at the pool? Trying to hide something. Huh, figured I wouldn't find out."

Acting independently didn’t work.  I would have to try the wounded angel technique again to calm him.  Soothe him, make him believe others were as careful with me as he was. It was the only way.  "I didn't think it was important. Josh and Mike helped me to take care of it and I thought it was over with. Plus I didn't want to have this conversation with you. You were already on the verge of having a heart attack and I didn't think you could handle any more bad news."  Real tears were beginning to flow.  Fuck I wanted to avoid this.  I wanted to be strong and in less than three minutes he already had me reduced to tears. All thought of strategy and damage control ceased.  He was just going to have to torch me for it, despite my whimpers.

Chris stood there lost in thought.  Perhaps my tears did give him pause.  No doubt he had some dooms day thoughts in his head about one of my attackers taking me off in the night.  I should have realized how scary it was for him, but at the time I didn’t have the slightest conception of how real the danger in my life was, and how quickly that danger was to snowball.  As he controlled his breathing, trying to calm down his eyes turned from a pitchy black to a smoldering brown.  His human side was rearing up again and he was beginning to see my side.  Finally he sighed loudly and slumped his shoulders. He softened his gaze and attempted to keep his tone gentle. 

“Show me what you were wearing.”  He seethed as if he was going to explode at anything.  

However I was stupid and decided to poke the bear.  “You want me to model it for you?”

“No, just bring it out here where I can see.”  He grunted, fed up with my dramatics for the day.

I dug through my laundry bag and pulled it out.  “Here you go.”  I handed the two pieces to him.

He took them.  “Where’s the rest of it?”

“This is all of it.”  I blushed, as I admitted the truth and realized finally how this looked from his eyes.

“You will burn this and anything like it.  Go lay face down on the bed.”  He ordered as if he was done with all plea bargaining.

“Chris, I am not two.”  I protested, knowing how unfair this was.

“Amy, we have spoken over and over about modesty.  You continue to defy me and each time you do it gets you into scrapes.  I shudder to think what would happen if Mike and Josh were not there.  The man Josh saved you from had a black platinum signet ring, like the ones the guys and I wear.  Do you know what that means?”  He asked.

I shook my head, I didn’t want to know the truth I knew he was going to reveal to me.

“It means he was a club member.  You were uncollared with no clear markings of ownership. It was open season out there.  Had the guy been more suave you might be a club slave by now.”  He explained.  I could tell that he was hoping his dire warning would stick.

“I am not that stupid, Chris.”  I said, very naive about what could have happened.

“I didn’t say you were.  I just know you were unprotected.  You need to understand that you follow security protocols all the time.  In your case part of your security is to be properly clothed.  I can’t have you causing unwanted attention.”  He explained as if it made perfect sense.   It really didn’t though.  If these men wanted me that bad they would go after me no matter what I was wearing.

I still hadn’t done as he asked.  Chris had his arms crossed and simply waited for me to do what he asked.  We had a stared down before I finally gave in and sat on the bed.

“Now roll over on your tummy.”  He said gently, the anger gone from his voice.

“I don’t want to.”  I whined.

“We can do this the hard way or the easy way.  Either way you are getting a spanking.”  He told me as a mask of calm covered his features.

“How many?”  I asked in a small voice.

“Ten if you are good and take it.  Though if you disobey me again it will be more.”  He said simply.

I sighed overdramatically and rolled over.  The first thump stung.  As did the second and the third.  By the time he got to the third it was biting into me.  On the fourth and fifth one I was cursing him silently.  On the sixth I bit my cheek to hold in my scream.  Tears were threatening to roll on the seventh and eighth.  The ninth and tenth ones were worse, but after that they were over.

“Little One, I worry about you in these hotels. There are a lot of strange people, stranger than me. We all have to learn to watch ourselves. Even me and Josh" Chris reached out as he ended his speech and touched my hair gently.

 

I nodded and sighed, the battle was over. I was just thankful that this was only about the situation at the pool and not Josh. If Chris would have nixed me being able to be with him it would have crushed me.

”I will be more careful. But honestly Chris, Mike was there the whole time. I wouldn't go anywhere without him. I know better."  I tried to reassure him.

Chris melted and pulled me into a loving embrace. He then leaned back and smoothed my  hair back. "Sorry I interrupted your lunch. Did you get enough? Can I order you some else?"

 

"No, Chris I am fine. But if you don't mind I think I will be heading back to my room. I have some writing to do." I  wasn't planning on going out the rest of the day until Mike brought me to the venue. 

That next morning Chris knocked on my door. “I’ve had a lot of conversations lately, Amy, and I am not liking where most of them are heading.”

He sat in the chair, I looked up and sulked a bit.  I thought this conversation was over.  

“Conversations about what?”  I looked at him as innocently as I could.

“I don’t know there seems to be a common denominator in all the little scrapes that you have gotten into lately.”  He paced back and forth.  

“Really what is that?” I played dumb because I really didn’t want to hear what he was going to say next.

”Josh.  Now don’t try to deny it.  I think you might be interested in him.”

Crap he was seeing behind the smoke and mirrors.  It wasn’t helping my cause any “Don’t be ridiculous Chris. Now granted he has been helpful and friendly towards me, but that shouldn’t be mistaken for other things.”

“Then you wouldn’t be opposed to me saying I don’t want you dating him.”  He declared laying down the law.

“Now Chris how can that even be a possibility for you to worry your head about?  He is dating Bobbee isn’t he?”  I said using it as a diversion.  I knew they broke up, but that knowledge was not helping my case in this situation.

“Well, yes, but that relationship is constantly evolving to meet Josh’s needs.  I see it more in the press because the stylists have been gaying him up as of late.”  Chris mansplained me like I was two.

I laughed because it was true.  Some of his outfits were downright hideous.  “You have nothing to worry about.”  

“Just keep your distance.  I am serious.” He warned.

“Okay.”  I shrugged.  Fighting him would do me no good.  Besides, I knew Josh was just playing games.  It wasn’t like we had anything real that he was breaking up.  

“Good.  See you at breakfast in 15 minutes.”  He said as he walked out the door.  

 

When Chris left I curled up and cried.  I was completely bummed that Chris just said no.  It wasn’t like anything was going to happen anyway, but still to know I was forbidden to even think it was heartbreaking.   It was even more heartbreaking than the spanking he gave me the other day.  At least he wasn’t going to beat my feelings out of me.

 

Part 7 Music and Lyrics

For the next week I kind of kept my distance on the bus.  I would hang out when forced to by Justin, but if he was napping I would find a quiet place to hide and blend in.  I did my job at guest services with little joy.  The concerts and cities were beginning to blend together.  My writing was getting more depressing.  I could feel myself cycling.  There wasn’t much I could do about it.  I just prayed that it didn’t go out of control.  I pushed myself head long into work, doing a project for Melinda.  I started to get to know the crew.  I interviewed them all, having them explain their job, experiences, and a little about their personal lives.  Then I would take a picture.  The best ones Melinda would post on the website.  

Mike told Chris that this was a good thing.  It allowed me to get to know the people around me in a non threatening way.  Knowing more people made it so more folks would be looking out for me, and I would be more able to notice who in my surroundings were out of place.  I emailed each crew person their write ups.  Alot of those ended up in resumes and later linkedin profiles of the people that worked for us.  I have gotten many thank yous because when the tour was over, they had something substantial to show their next employer.

Joey noticed my withdrawal and he confronted me about it on the bus.  “Hey Hot Lips, what have you been up to?”

“Writing profiles for Melinda.”  I said offhandedly.

He wrinkled his brow.  “You know that’s not really your job.  Not saying that we don’t appreciate it and all, but you are supposed to be having fun on this trip.”

“I have been, Joey.” I protested.

He grabbed and pulled my ponytail.  “Really?  For a girl that is supposed to be having fun, you spend an awful lot of time in your bunk.”

“I play video games with you and Justin, I watch movies with Chris.  I am not always on my bunk.”  I weakly protested.

“Yeah I guess that is something.” He said, not believing me.  “Hey can you help me out with something?  I have this new dip.  Justin loves it, but Chris panned it.  Would you be my tie breaker?”

“Sure Joey.”  I said, eager to help.  Besides over the weeks his creations had been very good.

He smiled and poured out some tortilla chips in front of me and then handed me the bowl of  dip.  Innocently I took a chip and dunk the thing into the bowl slathering it with the dip.  For a moment it was heaven.  But the burn caught me on the backside.

“Oww hot, damn, hot, fuck, hot.  Water.  I ran to the sink in the kitchenette.  Downing what seemed like a gallon of water to alleviate part of the burn.  “Fuck Joey.”

He shook his head laughing.  “You shouldn’t curse so much.  It is unbecoming.”

“Warn a girl next time, will you Joey?”  I gave him the evil eye, still coughing from the burn.

“Now, I know I will.  Let me make you one without the jalapenos.” He went back to the kitchen and remade the dish with me in mind.  A few minutes later he came out with it and a pint of milk.

“Here.  This should help.”  He said smiling, “But you know I wasn’t kidding about the cursing.  It could get you into trouble.”

“You guys all do.”  I pointed out.

“Yeah well we are guys and that’s just how we talk.  As a lady you are held to a higher standard.” He explained, but he really didn’t make sense to me.

“That is bullshit Joey.”  I called him out on the crap he was spewing.

He raised his hands in mock defense, “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger here.  I am just warning you that if you talk that way you might get punished.”

“Chris hasn’t said anything about it.”  Confusion marred my face.

Joey shrugged,  “He wouldn’t.  It is not his job to train you.  That falls to the guy he arranges for you.”

“I don’t think I need to worry about that.”  I said sadly.

“Why do you say that, hotlips?”  Joey asked curiously.

“I have a feeling Chris doesn’t want to pair me with someone any time soon.  He doesn’t even want me looking.” I confessed.

“It’s not your job to look, Amy.  It is his.  You have the ultimate power.  You say yes or no to any arrangement.”  He looked at me seriously, as if he really wanted me to internalize what he was saying.

“He will pressure a yes out of me at some point.”  I let my fear leak out.  It was a deep fear of mine since Chris brought up this new scheme.  I feared that I wouldn’t like who Chris picked, and that the guy in question wouldn’t treat me better than any of the other people in my life had.

“I think it's more the other way around from what I have seen.”  Joey tried to comfort me with the truth, that not once had Chris as much pointed out anyone to me.  I believed that it had a lot to do with my age more than anything.  I had the feeling that once he was rid of the responsibility of looking out for me, he would be free to do as he desired.  What I didn’t understand at this point, and couldn’t predict was that he was much more a prisoner to the situation than I was and in a few short years his freedom from responsibility would be over for the rest of his life.

“What do I do in the meantime?”  I sighed, resting against some pillows on the comfortable couch.

“You get to know those around you, and you let them get to know you.  Speaking of, why haven’t you been avoiding Josh?”  He asked curiously.  I knew he was fishing to figure out my feelings, but I wasn’t ready to really let them show yet.

I clammed up and turned away, “Chris said no.”

“Chris says a lot of shit he doesn’t mean.  But my advice is the same.  You can get to know people without it being a big thing.  You do it with Justin and Chris.  I like to think we are friends too.  Don’t let Lance’s walls fool you.  He is easier to get to know than you think.  We are here for you.”  He advised.

“And Josh?”  I asked, wanting to get an idea of what he thought was going on.

Joey smiled,  “That’s the nice thing about Chris picking for you.  Your heart doesn’t have to get involved until he brings someone up for your consideration.  You aren’t hindered by thinking about whether the guy loves you or not.   You just have to figure out whether or not you can put up with his shit enough to submit.”  

“Why not love Joey?”  I asked, recognizing a scary pattern.  Josh had voiced how jaded he was as well and looking at the actions of the others I could pretty much assume they all felt the same way.

“Love is a mirage of fluffy feelings.  Don’t trust it.  Think more of do you trust and respect him?  Is he a man of character?  Does he treat you well? If that is true and you are attracted to him, your hormones will create that loving feeling.”  He advised in a way that I hadn’t thought of before.  He certainly brought up some good character traits for sure, but I wasn’t convinced that was all there was.  

I sighed, “I guess.”

“Do you know what is more important?”  He asked, cleaning up his mess.

“What?” Not having a clue where this conversation was going.

“Getting to know yourself. Once you know what lights that fire go after it. Nothing will be able to stop you.”   He encouraged me.

“Now you are talking like Josh.”  I accused, as that sounded like words plagiarized from his letters.

“Good, if you hear it from all of us maybe you will start believing it.  So how’s the mild dip?”  He asked me to change the subject.

“It is very good, Joey.”  I smiled at him.

He smiled,  “Good, so how about we watch a movie til we get to the arena.”  He grabbed the rest of the dip and sat down beside me briefly hugging me close but then letting me go as he chose a comedy for us to watch.  

That night after the show I took the time to journal about the things Joey was talking about.  It seemed as if he was talking out of both sides of his mouth.  On one hand there was freedom to follow my dreams, at least up to the time I was married.  On the other hand, the man that Chris could possibly arrange for me would want to control how I spoke.  I didn’t know if I wanted any part of that.  

The next morning Josh made his way to the front of the bus. He looked exhausted. Last night’s concert had been a bear and the interviews and photo shoot afterwards had obviously left him and the rest of the guys completely drained.  I pitied them a little bit.  I didn’t understand why they had to push so hard.  It was not right that they worked like dogs and had very little to show for it.   

I was busy journaling.  It had been a long couple of days and many thoughts were constipated in my mind.  The action of writing it all out would release it and perhaps I would feel better and be at peace with my situation.  But that wasn’t to be.  

I adjusted my pony tail.  It was such a mess, tendrils had already fallen into my face.   After the adjustment I refocused my efforts into writing.  I thought that if I could write I could tune him out.  It had been easy to do with the intense schedule. As of late I don’t think I could have seen Josh even if I wanted to.  Finally when I recognized he wasn’t going to move on I caught a hold of my tongue that had ever so briefly escaped my lips in its concentration.  Then I unfurled my body from the tight ball it was in on the corner bench. 

  As I did I noticed that Josh was in his boxers.  He was standing in front of the fridge and was pulling out a bottle of water.  Once he got it to slid into the bench opposite me.   He opened the bottle and took a big gulp and let some of it run down his chin. It was like with every insignificant movement he was trying to seduce me.  Then he raised his eyes to me and smiled.  It literally melted me.  I did the only thing I knew at the moment.  I smiled back at him.  His ruffled hair looked boyish and almost innocent from the hours he was asleep.  However the halo was tinged with the pure look of lust in the morning it was as if the last of his wet dream was slowly fading into a distant memory.  

“This is forbidden.”  I had to tell myself.  Chris in his infinite wisdom had deemed it so and going against him at this point was unthinkable.  I wasn’t going to gain Josh by disobedience.  Josh had some unexplained type of attraction to me but I was under the assumption that if I bit on one of his lines he would take what he wanted and I would be left alone. That would be worse than the position I was in right now. I was just going to have to leave it light.  “Sleep well?”

 

“Very well" Josh got up and moved to my side of the table and settled back down and finished off the water.

Casually he asked.  “What have you been up to, kitten?”

“Um not much.” I continued to write. "I was just thinking about getting myself a sprite. Do you want anything while I am up?"

Josh said nothing.    I went to the fridge and got the Sprite from the fridge.  Josh followed quietly behind me and stopped when I stopped just short of bumping into my back. He leaned over my shoulder and grumbled. 

"I'm hungry." He let the statement linger as I stiffened in front of him. 

"How about some breakfast?"  I offered meekly. I felt the heat of his breath and the hardness of his erection against my ass.  He was hungry alright but it was not for food. "Why don't you go take care of the space alien in your pants while I find where Justin hides his box of cereal.”  I offered as I tried  to pull away from him.

“That is not what I want though." Josh whined. "Don't worry about the space alien, he will calm down as soon as he figures out he isn't getting any." He excused himself, grabbed the toasted bread and butter and another bottle of water and moved back to the table

.

I rolled my eyes and went about getting my sprite. I had every intention of going back to my bunk since he obviously was making his own breakfast. I wasn't very hungry. There was one problem though. I had foolishly left my journal on the table. I wasn't about to leave it there for him to page through. He was most likely going to give me a hard time about it too, the mood he was in.  

I sighed and walked back over to the table. "Can you hand me my journal?"

Josh looked up from arranging his breakfast when I reached the table. He turned to look at my journal leaning on the seat and then slowly back at me. "Anything about me in there?"

I smiled wickedly. "Wouldn't you like to know." I wasn't about to confirm or deny anything. He could keep guessing for all I cared he was going to think what he wanted anyway. "Now give it here."

He reached over and clutched the notebook and started sliding it toward him. He looked back up at me. "Can't you stay and keep me company while I eat. I promise to behave, stay quiet and let you write." He turned on his pouty face but extended the book to me in order to let me know I had a choice.

I nodded, but  I was going to put some distance between him. Why didn't I run, while I had the chance I didn't know.  I moved decisively across the table from him and sipped on my Sprite as I fiddled with the rhyme scheme of the poem I was writing.  If I knew Josh at all I probably would only have a couple minutes because he was a notoriously quick eater.

Josh looked at his bread and changed his mind. He went and fetched some lunch meat and cheese to add to his buttered bread then snatched up a ripe banana as an afterthought. He plopped back into his seat, arranged his sandwich and tried to string out his inhaling of it. I think we could sense that we were watching each other. He however started feigning like he wasn’t and started to focus on the scenery driving by.  A tune invaded and dribbled from his lips, I don’t think he knew what he was doing.  It was an earworm of the worst kind.  For it to be buried, I knew I would have to put in the time to write.  

I noticed the hook and the bridge he was doing quickly.  Before I realized we were syncing on the creative process the words of the request formed on my lips.  "Go back to the bridge Josh, I need to hear it again."

Josh was jostled out of the creative trance he had fallen into. "What? huh? Oh" He pulled the notes back into his memory, and collected the scattered notes.  Softly he sang back the refrain I requested.

I smiled and mentally counted syllables in my poem. It was getting frustrating because the words weren't flowing as quickly as I thought they might. I had him repeat the same refrain about five times before I was down to one word. I  sighed. "I need a three syllable word that rhymes with ate and nothing is coming to me." 

 

I felt humiliated every word I tried either didn't fit the form or the emotion I was trying to convey.

Josh let out a sigh. He leaned across the table and laid his hand on my tense fingers that were threatening to snap the pencil held within them. "Let it go. Don't force it. The word will come if you give it time to find you. Let it come in its own time." He was slow moving away as if he wanted to caress my hands but thought better of it and let me go.  I was almost sad about it.  His hand felt warm and tender, it was a different side of him. But I got up anyway.   It was going to annoy me until I completed the puzzle and it was done. I walked back to my bag and dug around, finally finding a thesaurus and a rhyming dictionary.  I  began to look for what irked me. After flipping through it  I audibly groaned at the word I saw that fit all too well. Well since this wasn't going on the top forty I shrugged and scribbled it down before  I  lost my nerve. I looked up at him. "Done."

Josh's smile grew from one that was barely there, to one that lit up his whole face and touched his eyes. Pride radiated in waves from him. I tore it out and folded it before handing it to him. I didn't want to see his face when he read it, there were some pretty crazy lyrics there, some that were embarrassing to me. They were the forerunners of the lyrics to Come to Me, including the masturbation line.

Josh carefully took the paper and turned away before unfolding it.  Time rolled on as he weighed the lines.   I was nervous about his reaction.  It was me really trusting him on my own  or the first time.  I was vulnerable and everything hinged on his  reaction as stupid as that was.  He straightened the creased paper and read the words I had penned upon it.  He was speechless.  He suddenly realized with a start that he hadn't said anything yet.  I was pacing on the other side of the table waiting anxiously for his judgment. He looked up with awe. "This is amazing, Amy."

I shook my head not believing him. Nobody liked what I had written before. It wasn't meant to be shared. It was just to unburden my soul. This was probably the roughest piece of shit I had done for awhile. I couldn't believe it. "No, it really isn't that good Josh. You don't have to patronize me. Though you can keep it if you want."

 

Josh was genuinely shocked by my words, but I didn’t realize it at the time. He carefully folded the paper and tucked it in his jeans pocket.  He quietly thanked me and went back to his bunk.

 

I  couldn’t believe how condescending and hurtful he could be.  I had to get it out of my mind, now that it was in his hands the melody of it wouldn't haunt me as much. 

 

Part 8 Surf and Turf gone wrong

A couple days later we were in L.A.  We were staying a couple days because the guys had plans for studio time and movie productions.  The day we got in though was nice.  It only seemed as I rolled in bed an hour before when Justin came barreling into my room.  

“You have to get up, Amy.”  He announced too enthusiastically for 6 AM.

 

“Somebody better be fucking dead, JuJu Bean.” I rolled over pulling the covers over my head to block out the light.

He laughed, “You will regret that.”  He pulled down my covers.  “Don’t make me resort to a water gun.  You know I am willing and able to do it.”

“Who is the asshole that fed you sugar this morning?”  I asked not believing that I was even seeing this boy before noon on a day off.

“I am a big boy, I know how to find those hidden Fruit Loops, and Lucky Charms.” Grinning proud of himself as he jumped up and down on my bed.

“Damn, Joey and I will just have to brainstorm new places.  I’ll get Lance to booby trap them too.”  I warned.

“Yeah well anyway,  I heard the weather report is good, be at breakfast in half an hour and I will tell you what I am thinking.”  He ordered as he headed to the door.

I rolled my eyes as Justin left, and Renee said something to the effect that I could take the shower first. She had no intention of getting up anytime soon.  I think she was as pissed at Justin as I was.  I groused around and got into the shower.  I hurried and took care of business, when I came out in just my towel, Josh was sitting on my bed.  I almost screamed.  This was such a violation of privacy.  I looked at him, anger burning in my eyes, as my skin flushed red with embarrassment.  

He didn’t let me get any words out.  He simply said, “Wear a bathing suit under anything you decide to wear, and meet us for breakfast in ten minutes.”  He then turned and left the room.

I wanted to throw things at him. I was so mad.  Digging through my things I found the one piece Mike made me buy at Dick’s  I placed a cover up on and threw my hair in a ponytail before grabbing my purse and a towel.  

When I got to the dining hall Justin was giddy with excitement but fretting that Lance wasn’t up yet.  “Lance has to come surfing with us.  He loves the water.”

“I am sorry J.  I couldn’t get him up.”  Joey told him.

“This won’t stand.”  He smiled at me.  “You are going to love surfing Amy.  I got to get Lancey Poo.  Nobody is bailing on this day.”

It was then Josh entered the room.  Joey and Chris had already started.  “Wipeout, you ready for this adventure?”  Chris joked.

Josh just scowled and the guys did one Emerald Cove joke after another, making Josh decidedly more grumpy.  His attitude was not improving my thoughts about him that morning.  They had finally unearthed Lance.  He looked rumpled and his pores smelled like a Whiskey bottle.

Joey cuffed him on his shoulder.  “A little sun and surf, you will be sober in no time.  Maybe after today you won’t even want to drink.”

I followed everyone quietly.  I had never surfed before.  This seemed like an activity they were all experienced in.  Josh wasn’t being friendly and everyone else’s attention was on the waves.  When we got to the beach we rented boards and wetsuits.  The guys all broke out in a run to the surf.  The fan side of me would have been squealing at this point.  However I had been around these guys so long that the sight of their half naked bodies did not have an effect on me.  Especially since I knew none of them would be sending thoughts my way.  I sat on the beach by myself watching them challenge each other and having a good time.  I had half made up my mind to ask Mike to take me back to the hotel when Justin came up to me.

“Why are you sitting all by your lonesome?  Come race me to the buoy.”  He demanded.

Never wanting to lose a challenge from Justin I blindly chased after him.  Never mind I had no clue what I was doing.  I had watched them all morning so I had a bit of the basics down.  I paddled out and tried to stand up. I fell into the water.  This happened a couple times before I was able to get my balance.  Just as we began our race in earnest a wave came up.  Justin saw it and paddled away from it.  I was frozen on top of my board.  The current pulled me under.  I was under water for what seemed like an eternity.  Then I was pulled up roughly and drugged to shore.  

Josh stood over me yelling,  “What the fuck were you thinking?  You could have been killed.  That was a killer wave.”

“I don’t know how to surf.  I was just following after Justin.”  I huffed, tears in my eyes.

“Well that is fucking obvious.  You have no business being out on that water, it is too dangerous.”  He continued his lecture, gesturing wildly.

“Fine.  I didn’t want to fucking come any way. You have fun with the guys.” I flipped him off, turning my back on him.

“Fine I will do that.”  He went back into the water.

I stalked up to the vans, but there was no such luck at leaving early.  It was an all or none type of day.  I walked over to a picnic area away from the action and sat down, tears falling down my face.   I was there for several minutes before I recognized someone was sitting beside me.

“Hey Joey.”  I said softly through my tears.

“What’s wrong, Hotlips?”  He asked genuinely concerned.

“I don’t belong here.  I had no business being on that water today.”  I confessed the truth that I was too proud to admit to Josh.

“I heard Josh yelling something similar.  Why didn’t you tell anyone it was your first time?”  He probed, trying to figure out how to fix the problem.

“You were all so experienced.  I didn’t want to slow anyone down.”  I admitted.  I really didn’t want to spoil anyone’s fun with my needs.  It was so rare they had a day off.

“Had you told Josh he probably would have been more than happy to teach you.”   Joey explained. 

I shrugged, “I don’t know about that.”  It was hard to predict what Josh would do or say if I was simply honest about my lack of experience.

“You should ask him after lunch.  Perhaps he will be more willing then.  The waves tend to be more predictable in the afternoon anyway.  I’d offer but I think his head would explode if I got that close to you.”  He advised.

“Why do you say that Joey?”  I asked, still not really seeing what was real.

“Are you blind, Amy?  That boy has fallen bad for you.” He explained letting the cat out of the bag.  However I didn’t believe him, especially with what a jerk Josh was being.

“You are just trying to flatter me here.  The only reason he likes me is because I am forbidden fruit.  Once he has tasted me, he will realize I am rotten and won’t want me.”  I protested.  I was shocked how I could be so honest with Joey.  

Joey shook his head,  “You will not talk that way about my friend.”

“It is true, that is what he would do.”  I said defensively.

“I don’t give a fuck what HE would do.  That doesn’t fucking matter.  If he acts that way you don’t fucking need him.  But I will not hear you tear yourself down like that.  You are not rotten.  You might have had it hard, and have had bad things happen, but you are a sweet girl.  If he doesn’t see it, screw him, and find someone that deserves you.”  He commanded with passion that was turned up to 11.

I kicked nervously at some sand.  “You know I don’t have that freedom Joey.”

“Brian and Chris will find someone for you.  You have to believe and trust it will be in your best interest.  If that person is Josh, cool.  If not, there is someone better waiting.”  His voice returned to being gentle.

“Thanks, Joe.”  I kissed him on the cheek and he hugged me.

“I think lunch has arrived and the caterers are laying it out as we speak.  What do you say?”  He wiggled his eyebrows.

“I don’t think I am hungry.”  I weakly protested.

“I am sure there is something to tempt you.  You need to eat.  Come on.”  He took my hand and led me back to the picnic tables.  

Josh was scowling at me.  I didn’t exactly know why.  I went over and got a turkey with mayo on a croissant.  Chris and Joey filled the space telling jokes.  Joey spotted the pretty girls up the boardwalk first and Chris followed him.  Justin and Lance were already going round 2 with the surf.

I was left alone with Josh.

“You can do what you want.”  Josh commented into the empty space that laid between us.

“What do you mean by that?”  I crossed my arms, not liking what Josh was assuming.

“If you want Joey, go after him.”  He waved me towards the boardwalk.

“Why do you think I want Joey?”  I asked like we had just entered the Twilight Zone.  How could he in his right mind think it was Joey that I wanted.

“I saw you cozying up to him in the gazebo.  You looked all smiley and happy.  You deserve that.”  He admitted as if he was washing his hands on anything to do with me.

“Joey was just trying to cheer me up.  You can think what you want but he is just a friend like it matters anyway.” I moved away from him, beginning to clean up the mess the guys left in the wake.

“What the fuck does that mean?” He questioned just a bit too loudly as he stepped into my space.

“Nothing Josh.  Fucking nothing, I’m going back to the hotel.” I turned away from him and marched up the hill towards the vans.  Mike decided there would be enough time to drop me off at the hotel and then get the guys for their next engagement. 

I cried all the way to the hotel.  Mike respected my need for privacy and didn’t say a word.  When I got back to the hotel I tripped all over Renee’s bags.  Some makeup fell out and as I went to try to fix it something shiny caught my eye.  I swiped two of them and placed them in the bottom of my purse.  I didn’t need them yet.  I was numb enough.  I let the horrible thoughts linger though.  The thoughts of not being enough tormented me.  I was a loser.  No one really cared.  The spiral had begun.  What little control I had was being stripped from me.  I could control this though.  Just one little cut to ease the pain.  One drink to obliterate it.  If I wanted to end it, all I would have to do was take the bottle.  I would just go to sleep and never wake up.  No one was going to miss me anyway.

I was thinking all this when there was a knock on my door.  I went to it and I saw Justin grinning. Then he frowned.  “Why aren’t you ready for dinner, Amy?”

“I’m not hungry.” I lied, not really up to anything Justin had planned.

“Nonsense.”  He went through my bags.  “Ahh ha.  Put this on.”

“I can’t wear this.”  I protested.

He pointed to the bathroom.  “You have 5 minutes or I will have Mike pull you out whether you want to or not.”

It did not take long to put on the short tennis skirt and button up sleeveless shirt Justin gave me.

I came out and he looked me over.  “Unbutton the bottom to buttons and tie it off.”

I shook my head.  “No Justin.  I don’t think this is me.  This is something Britney would wear.”  I grabbed my doc martens and Brian’s hoodie and covered up.  “I think I will just stay in and order room service.”

He grabbed my arm.  “No.  I want to eat with my friends.  Like it or not I count you as such.  You are coming with me.”  He pulled me out into the hallway and brightened when he saw Josh.  “JC, tell Amy she must eat with us.”  Justin commanded the man as if he had any power over him.

Josh just grunted, “She will do what she wants Justin.  I can’t control her.”

“She has to eat though.”  Justin cajoled him further.

Josh rolled his eyes, “Don’t we all.”

“It's okay Justin.  I can stay in.”  I said hoping he would relent.

“Bullshit you are coming.”  He grabbed my arm leading me to the elevator.  

I followed the force of nature that was Justin fucking Timberlake out to one of the cars in the back of the hotel.  Josh followed us.  Justin got in the car and pulled me in after him, setting me in the middle of the seat.  Josh slid in beside me.  I was surrounded.  I trained my eyes in front of me.  Justin, not reading the room, started telling a story about one of the waves he tamed.  I simply crossed my arms and tried to turtle into myself.  I didn’t want to be there.  I wasn’t adding any enjoyment to this activity.  I couldn’t figure out what Justin was trying to do.

“JC, tell Amy about that last one you caught.” Justin commanded, trying to start a conversation.

“Nah, man.  She ain't interested.”  Josh flat out refused, not willing to play the game Justin was starting.

“If you want to talk about it go ahead.” I said just wanting to hear the richness of his voice.

He turned to me, “I think silence would be better.”

Shutting up, I wanted to sit on my hands.  Ice radiated down my spine.  Why was he being cruel, and why was Justin putting me in the path of Josh’s hostility.  Finally we arrived at the restaurant.  It was very upscale.  We were seated and I perused the menu.  The prices were staggering. Justin had urged us to order without him, and excused himself.

 

“What will you have, miss?”  The waiter asked me, jarring me from my thoughts.

“Water is fine.” I answered.

“And to eat?”  He asked, wanting me to continue so that he could do his job.

“The shrimp cocktail will be fine.”  I said, my desire to eat completely gone.

“Hold on.” Josh stopped the waiter.  “Get her a shrimp trio alfredo with a side of crab legs.  Add a lobster tail to my order. Also if you bring out a bottle of Burgundy wine that would be wonderful.”

As the waiter left I glared at him,  “Why did you order for me?”

“You were doing a shit job of it.”  He callously explained.

“I ordered what I could afford.”  Tears crested in my eyes.

“Like you fucking pay for anything around here.  Don’t worry I have you covered.” He crossed his arms looking at his watch.  

The sommelier  came out with the Burgundy wine Josh ordered and made his presentation to Josh.  He called out the name and year and then uncorked it, inspecting in and then giving it to Josh to meet his approval.  Josh inspected it and nodded.  The waiter poured out an ounce. Josh took a sip relishing it.  He nodded then went towards me to fill my glass.  Josh met his eyes.  “Half a glass will be sufficient.”  The waiter nodded and gave me half a serving.

“So you are letting me drink.”  I commented, a bit surprised.

“A glass or two with dinner won’t hurt.  I just didn’t want you to have too much on an empty stomach.  Feel free and taste it.  It is an excellent vintage.”  He explained not at all concerned.

“You know about this stuff.”  I stated simply, not really knowing if I wanted to start a conversation.  

Josh took the bait.  “I have been learning.  It was legal for me when I was in Europe and I have enjoyed the taste of top shelf liquor.  I drink socially, but am rarely completely drunk, at least not out in public.”

I slowly sipped it not sure if I really liked it, but he was treating me like a grownup sort of.  I knew Chris would never pour a glass of wine for me.  The waiter came by and refilled our water glasses and dropped off the bread basket.  He grabbed a garlic cheese biscuit and handed the basket to me.  “Take one, it will sop up the wine.”  He commanded.

I did and it tasted heavenly.  I wanted to grab another one right then but Josh had placed the basket out of my reach.  I felt it would be rude to ask, so I sat there silently as we waited for our meal.  I looked around and watched the fish swim around the aquariums that filled the place.  Candles flickered, and the white table cloth brushed against my bare knee.

“When do you think Justin is coming back?”  I asked, trying to stoke a conversation.

“Are you that naive, Amy?  He left the restaurant.  We have been set up to spend time together.”  He asked with utter contempt for being trapped into this situation neither of us asked for.

“Why?”  I asked, still not really getting it.

“I guess he likes the idea of us together.  He is delusional, and it was a very risky stunt that could get us both into trouble.  Though if you can control yourself and not jump me, I think most publicity will be okay.  Chris won’t like the optics.”  He explained, as I was two.

“Don’t blame me.”  I reacted defensively.

“Really?  You can’t tell me that your panties aren’t getting wet, romanticizing this dinner for what you think it could be.” He attacked with bitter sarcasm.

“There is nothing romantic about awkwardness.”  I retorted honestly facing our situation.

“That is true.  Just so we are on the same page, this is fucking awkward.”  He declared.  At least we agreed on something.

“We could leave?”  I suggested, almost hoping he would agree.

“And give up a free dinner courtesy of Justin Timberlake,  I think not.  I ordered.  We will eat, and then we will go back to the hotel.”  He authoritatively dictated the course of the evening.

I smirked,  “If someone overheard that sound bite.”  I taunted him.

“They would think I am fucking you.”   He said the quiet part out loud with no hint of flirtation.

I blushed, “What if Chris finds out about this?”

“We tell him the truth. Justin dragged us both out to eat, and he got called away.  We had already ordered before we realized that he wasn’t coming back, so we decided to eat.  When we were done I took you back to the hotel to go to bed, and I went back to my room to prepare to go out.”  He detailed as he actually put some thought into it.

“Are you going out after this?” I probed, knowing I was opening a door that would just hurt me more.

“I got to get my pussy somewhere, because we both know it won’t be you putting out tonight.”  He said, watching the flaming arrows hit exactly where he intended.

“That’s very nice Josh.”  I oozed with sarcasm. Part of me wanted to splash the wine in his face, but I knew that would be immature and cause a scene.  Instead I got up and went to the restroom.  As I got there I felt a hand on my shoulder.  I turned around and it was Mike so my momentary panic dissipated.  

“Hold up Miss Kitty.  Let me make sure it is safe.  I will be right outside.”  He said as he held me back to open the door and case the restroom for the boogey man that haunted me.

I sat in there for over 15 minutes crying and trying to piece my heart together.  I knew it was rude.  I knew our food would probably be cold.  I wanted to leave, but knew I couldn’t without Josh.  With Mike as sentry, there was no hailing a cab and trying to get back on my own.  So I took care of business, it was then I discovered to my absolute horror that I had started.  I balled up a little toilet paper, and placed it in my panties to soak up any leakage.  My purse I knew did not contain supplies, and there wasn’t anything complementary on the vanity.  Nor were there vending machines as this was too much of an upscale place for that.  I wrapped my hoodie around my waist to hide any leakage and to protect the chair I was about to sit on.  Quickly I checked my hair and eyes before heading back to the table.

Josh stood when he saw me approach and pulled my chair out. I accepted it because frankly it was expected with this man.  

“Our food is here.  I couldn’t wait.”  He said curtly.

I nodded and dug into mine which surprisingly was still warm.  I ate in silence as politely and quickly as I could.  I am sure this was amazing cuisine, however the way I was feeling it tasted like dirt to me.  

As I finished the waiter came through with dessert.  It was a fabulous cherry jubilee.  I didn’t even let Josh explain.  I simply ate the appropriate amount.  Josh left a tip and we left.  I followed him to the car.  He opened the door and  I slid in.  I looked out the window the entire way back to the hotel.  We went in through the back to avoid the hassle of the fans and he walked me to my room.  

I had my key at the ready and entered my hotel room with not so much as a word, and closed the door.  That night I took my pills and cried myself to sleep.  The next day was a travel day,  I already felt like hell.  Riding on a bus all day was going to be miserable.  I resolved to stay on my bunk all day.  The boys would just have to deal.  

 

Author's Note:  Sorry about the posting slow down.  My district's PD starts Monday, so it will be slow going for awhile, mainly because I have two years of Amy's life to write to get up to where she and Josh can be together without worries.  I could time jump, but I hate those, besides you have like 5 new orginal characters to meet that will be important to the plot.

 

Part 9 Clubs are never fun

About ten the next morning,  Justin came back to my bunk.  “Come on Roo.  Come play with us.”  He begged.

“No, Justin, I don't feel good.”  I whined as I pulled my covers over the top of my head blocking out the light.

“You're not going to get sick are you?  Last time Joey did the bus reeked for a week.”  Justin asked, concerned.

“I don’t usually have nausea with cramps Justin.”  I rolled my eyes.

“Oooh it's girl stuff.  I will just leave you to it then.  Um if you need anything let us know.”  He said backing away from my bunk.

“Sure, like you could go to Walmart and get me some tampons and Midol.”  My sarcastic arrow was more cutting as I was hurting.

“I couldn’t but I would ask someone for you and they would do it too.  Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need.”  He kissed me on the forehead and went up front.

“She is not joining us?”  Joey asked.

“Nah, man.”  Justin shrugged, flopping on the couch and grabbing his controller.

“And you bought whatever bullshit line she gave you?”  Joey asked, surprised that he would just leave it alone.

“It’s girl stuff.” Justin wrinkled his nose.  

Joey chuckles.  “Weak man.  JC, why don’t you try since the little man has failed.”

“Why don’t you Joey?  She likes you.”  He said, not wanting to get involved.

“Because regardless of what you assholes think of me, I am smart.  Being around my sister has taught me not to mess with a girl on the rag.”  Joey razzed them a bit.

I didn’t hear the rest of the ribbing because then the migraine that accompanied my monthly cycle started to rage.  It was going to be bad, especially since I couldn’t control heat, sound and light.  At the worst of it, Chris went back to check on me.  He drugged me for the day mercifully.  

When I got to my room early that next morning, there was a basket waiting on my bed for me.  Curious, I went over.  The first thing I did was look for a card. There was none.  I untied the ribbon which held the sparkly pink cellophane together.  As it dropped, I gasped at its contents.  Inside there was a family sized package of salt and vinegar potato chips,  Taped to the bag was a note with an arrow on it.  It said “Check the mini fridge for the ranch and sourcream.  There’s also ice cream there.”  As I dug further down their was four boxes of Lindt truffles,  a bottle of ibuprofen,  a box of tampons, a trashy romance novel, some lavender bubble bath, epsom salts  and eucalyptus and spearmint magnesium lotion. and all the way in the bottom was a heating pad.  

On Chris’s orders my training session with Mike was canceled.  So I decided to order blueberry pancakes and bacon for breakfast and afterwards used the bubble bath and lotion.  Throughout the day I demolished my treats and read while using the heating pad.  I stayed in for the show and slept.  Mike carried me to the buses, and the guys were gracious enough to allow me to use the big bed in the back. For about two days I was like that til finally I was feeling better.

A couple days later, the guys were planning on going out clubbing.  I did not relish being locked up in the hotel room.  I needed to be out and about too.  I didn’t really care to go dancing or drinking.  I just wanted to be where the people were.  Chris had the nerve to tell me no.  He seemed to forget I don’t like that word very much.  Especially when there was no obvious sense to it.  It wasn’t like I hadn’t gone out before.  I was going to have to do it the hard way.  The trick was to slip past Mike’s guard and find a ride to the venue.

I hadn’t been behind the wheel of a car in 3 years.  I shouldn’t have been behind it then, but that trip was necessary.  This one wasn’t going to save lives, but it would do wonders for my peace of mind. I spent some time going through my wardrobe to find the perfect dress and paired it with heels.  I spent time curling my hair and doing my makeup.  I was going out so I had to look the part and live it up.  I grabbed my credentials and waited til the bodyguards changed shifts.  With Mike not immediately at the door, I could sneak out of the room.  Once downstairs, I had to figure out how to get to the venue.  Not knowing the city placed me at a disadvantage.  There was a young guy standing around the valet station.  It was dangerous but it might just work.  Doubling back I went to the gift shop and got some cash out of the ATM.

I walked up to the guy.  “Excuse me,  how would you like to make some extra money.”

“I am always interested.  What do I gotta do sweetheart?”  He leered at me, and I shivered in disgust.

“Simple, just drive me to Midnight.”  I said with no embellishment, but with the confidence that this was going to work.

“That rocking new club on Front?”  He asked, rolling his eyes, as he looked me up and down.

I nodded,  “That’s the one.”

He shook his head,  “You're never getting in there.”

“Let me worry about that.  How much?”  I asked, getting back to business.

“It's not that far.  Does one hundred sound fair?”  He suggested, not sure of the going rate for something like that.

 

Knowing a bit of negotiation from Brian, I knew not to take the first offer.  I also knew that having him throw out his dollar amount first meant my price could just go down.  I decided to offer him half.

“Fifty.”  I said.

He looked at me.  “It would take too long that is not worth the possible tips I could make.  How about 90.”

I made a move to the middle.  “Sixty.”

He shook his head.  “Eighty.”

“Seventy.”

“Seventy five.”

“Done.”

It was more than a cab or a ride service, but without security or one of the guys, no one would probably take my fare.

We shook on it and waited for the next car to pull up.  I slid in the back seat and he pulled out of the parking lot driving me to the club.

“What are you going to do if you can’t get in?  I feel kind of bad just leaving you here.”

“I have friends inside.  As I said, it is not going to be a problem.” My confidence was bordering on arrogance or stupidity at this point. 

Coming in the Mercedes made me look as if I was someone,  I got into the line.  It was so hot and humid out I was convinced my hair would not have a curl once I got to the door.  A security guy trolling the line for hot chicks noticed me.  “You, come here.”

“Me?”  

“Yeah you gorgeous.  You want in sometime tonight, don’t you.  The boss man is about to shut down the line.  We have reached capacity but someone as hot as you needs to be in there.”  The guy explained.

I blushed and followed him through security.  They really didn’t look at my ID or anything thankfully.  I would have had to explain my late arrival.  Past the velvet rope, I looked around.  The guy was right.  The place was packed.  I didn’t think I would be able to find any of the guys.  Which at the moment was fine, because I was trying to avoid Chris.  I danced and found some girls to pretend I was with.  It was then I saw Josh on the dance floor with another girl.  He was freaking her.  If he didn’t have jeans on, he would have been fucking her he was so close.  A pain shot through my heart that I wasn’t expecting.  He wasn’t mine.  I had no right to care, but I did.  Turning away I went to the bar.  I would get a drink and try to figure out how to get back to the hotel without being spotted by anyone.  This was probably the stupidest idea I had in awhile. 

I made my way through the crowd and found an empty stool.  I sat that for a minute trying to get the bartender's attention. As he approached a bass voice beside me drawled, “I'll take a Southern Comfort, the girl beside me will have a Shirley Temple.”   He turned towards me.  “What brings you out tonight princess?”

“I couldn’t stand being cooped up in the hotel.”  I explained, hoping he wouldn’t immediately get Chris.

He sighed,  “I understand that, but this place isn’t safe.’

I rolled my eyes,  “Not you too.”

He placed his thumb and forefinger under my chin, lifting it up to meet his eyes.   “Watch it princess.  I am just doing my job here.  I don’t need to be skewered with your disrespect.  That kind of thing leads to trouble.”

A shiver went up my spine and I turned away.  

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”  He said, patting my shoulder apologetically.

“Are you going to tell Chris?”  I asked, needing to know where I stood.

“I figure he will find out without my involvement.  You will be lucky to get out of here without him spotting you.”  He said, sipping his drink.  “So tell me,  why haven’t you sought out your man.”

“I don’t have anyone Lance.”  I pouted.

“Are you sure about that?”   He asked, turning in the direction of the dance floor. “He seems to be approaching, and doesn’t look too happy.”

I turned to see who Lance was referring to and immediately  froze, my eyes were caught in Josh’s tractor beams, they cut through like ice.  I moved to get up.  “I don’t want to talk to him.”

Lance smirked as he restrained me, keeping me on the stool.  “Sorry darling, you aren’t going anywhere til he retrieves you.”

“Why?” I asked, trying to stop any emotion that threatened.

“I like the drama, besides your little escapade is not going to interrupt my drinking.”  He explained without malice.

By that time Josh was upon us,  “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Drinking.”  I said dryly.

Josh looked to Lance.

He shrugged,  “Shirley Temple man.  I know better.”

Josh crossed his arms staring at me.  “I’m going to take you back to the hotel, but first I have to talk to a couple people.  You are coming with me.”  He looked at Lance.  “Sorry man,  give my love to Mik.  I don’t think I will see her tonight.” 

“I thought you were demonstrating down stairs.”  He asked cryptically. 

“Fuck,  do me a favor and let people know that the show won’t start till after one.” Josh commanded and his face went grayish white for a moment.

“You probably won’t get back in time if you are taking her back to the hotel.”  Lance warned.

Any emotion on Josh’s face was immediately masked as he rattled on more instructions.  “Tell Chris I had something come up.  Have him get Lexi trussed up for me, and take his time about it.  If he has to tell a joke and a story about every damn knot he is using, so be it.”

Lance grimaced at the thought and then pointed out, “He was looking for pussy tonight.  This isn’t going to make him happy.”

“I will make it up to him, hell he can have Lexi if he wants after I am done with the demo.  I’m not into her.  She is more his type anyway.”  He shrugged, taking me by the hand.  I followed  him willingly.

He turned on his heels and warned me.  “I have a few producers I still need to talk to.  I need you to stay by my side, not a word unless I ask you a direct question.  Understood?”

I gulped and nodded.

“I need the fucking words, Amy.” I stood stock still and he gave me a look that was meant to make me melt into the floor.

“I will stay silent beside you.”  I conceded.

He nodded and pulled me along with him to his first stop of the night, and started to schmooze.  The conversation was so deep into music theory, I wouldn’t know what to add.  I was glad in a way I didn’t have to think of something charming to say.  We had two more conversations like that.  The last guy was dull and was trying to lead Josh into yet another turn of the conversation.

Josh smiled charmingly.  “I would love to talk more, but I promised Amy here that I would dance with her sometime tonight.  It's getting late and the town car turns into a pumpkin at midnight so we should probably get to it.  Isn’t that right, kitten?”

I smiled confused as to what he was doing,  “It is.”

“It is, sir.”  He coldly corrected, his hand pumping mine a bit hard.

I tried to pull away.  “Josh, I agreed with you.  I don’t know what else you want.”  

He winked,  “The proper respect is all.  I see your conversation with Lance was not as fruitful as I anticipated.  You will have to spend a couple more hours with him tomorrow.”  He turned to the man, “Reggie, Please excuse the foilable.  She is new.”  Josh apologized and explained away my behavior.

“Well I look forward to seeing her punishment before your demonstration.”  He ominously suggested.

“She is mine, and since it was an offense towards me, I am exercising the right to take care of this matter privately.  I am using Lexi as my model tonight.” He explained with a menacing smile. 

The man leered as he stared at my chest.   “Such pity.  What I would give to see these tits in all their glory.” He reached out to feel me up.

Josh snarled, and stepped into the man’s space knocking his hands out of the way, and pushing me into Mike’s awaiting arms.  

Josh barked a threat,  “I will only say this once more.  She is mine.  I don’t take kindly to others touching what belongs to me.”

Lonnie was there in a heartbeat preventing Josh’s wind up.  “Control man.  It is not going to help your cause.”

Josh nodded and followed me and Mike out to the town car. He opened the door for me and allowed me to slide in.  I did as bid.  

As the car moved back to the hotel Josh was deathly silent.  I just had to break the silence.  “What are you demonstrating tonight?”

His eyes smoldered coals as he turned in my direction,  “I’m sorry,  did I lift your vocal restrictions?”

“We aren’t in public now, JC.”  I pointed out, completely baffled by the night’s events and why he was freaking out on me.  

“Ah so I am guaranteed respect in public, but not while no one is looking?”  He interrogated me further.

Part of me felt small, but just as quickly anger sparked.  “What the fuck do you want from me, you egotistical bastard?”

“Silence.”  He said simply into the darkness and turned away.

Tears  rolled down my cheek.  I don’t know what crawled up his ass and died.  It was a mistake going out, but it wasn’t really that deep.  The ride continued in uncomfortable silence.  He walked me up to my room, made sure Mike had my security well in hand and left quickly.  Not wanting to think about the debacle of the evening I took a sleeping pill and went straight to bed.

 

Part 10  The Grounding

 

The next morning Chris was knocking at my door.  Renee got up and opened the door.

 

“What the fuck are you doing you neanderathal, it is like zero dark thirty.”  She yelled at him with her hand on her hip.

 

“I need to speak with Amy.”  He said pushing through the door.

 

Renee rolled her eyes and went back to her bed.  “She’s still out of it.”

 

I sighed,  “I am up.”

 

Chris turned to Renee,  “You might want to find somewhere else to go back to bed Renee.  It is going to be awhile.”

 

“Oh hell no.  Just my luck Lance will spot me walking out of there and then Damon will be here, and that would not look good.”

 

“As you wish.”  He wiggled his eyebrows and then schooled his amusement as he mustered his rage against me.

 

Seeing the look on Chris’s face Renee thought better of it and cleared out, going to where I had no idea.

 

Chris turned his attention to me.  “What the fuck were you thinking last night?”

 

“I wanted to have a good time.”  I said still not taking it too seriously.

 

“Was it?”  He asked pointedly.

 

I thought about the way it ended.  Josh was not happy with me.  “No.”

 

“Good.  I can guarantee that good times are over for the duration of this tour.”  He declared in a fatherly tone.

 

“What do you mean?”  I bit my bottom lip nervously.  

 

“Amy, I have to know where you are, and trust that you are where you are supposed to be.  Last night you were in the lion's den.  You used dubious and unsafe methods to get to the club.  If that kid that drove you was unscrupulous or worse yet a club member, I don’t know what I would do.  You were without security.  It was lucky Lance and Josh found you when they did.  Do you have any fucking clue what could have happened?  I am so angry right now that if I attempted to spank you for this I would cause you serious harm.  For that reason I am not going to.  Instead you are grounded.  Until you leave this tour in August you are restricted to your hotel room or the bus.”  As quickly as he barged in he stormed out after giving his edict.

 

About ten minutes later he came back into the room.  “Amy, I need you to be honest with me.  When was the last time you had any drugs or alcohol?”

 

“When we were in LA, the day we went surfing I had a glass of wine with dinner.”  I looked at him strangely.

 

“Drugs?” He persisted in his line of questioning.

 

“Nothing that isn’t prescribed.”  I said indignantly.

 

“Let’s pray that the wine has been out of your system long enough.  If not you could get another 12 months probation or be assigned back into rehab.”  He explained.

 

“You're not going to tell them about last night.”  I questioned.

 

“No, if you didn’t drink, it technically won’t fault you in that respect.  Though you are still in a lot of trouble with me young lady.  Here is your report from me and service hours documentation.  When Elijah called me, he said that it would be your last meeting.  You are still barred from getting your license til you turn 18 but it will be good to be done with probation.”  He explained clinically.

 

“Will I have to go back to mom and Mark?”  I asked nervously.

 

“No, parental rights have been severed, Amy.  You don’t remember that?” Looked at me skeptically trying to figure what I had repressed and what was still at the surface.

 

“Everything around the thing is foggy, Chris.”  I was barely holding it together.  We never talked about this.  

 

He hugged me tight, smoothing my hair. “Not foggy enough if you are asking questions, and have the types of nightmares you are having.  I can reinforce the block Brian gave you if you want me too.”

 

I shook my head,  “I don’t like feeling like a part of me is missing.”

 

“I just don’t want you to disassociate or something.  Maybe I should get you a session.”  His eyes darkened with concern. 

 

I sighed.  I wanted to yell at him but that might just prove his point.  Calmly I pointed out. “I snuck out of the hotel Chris.  It is the action of a normal 16 year old. You should be worried if I wasn’t doing shit.”

 

He sighed.  “I sometimes forget what it is to be that age.  It doesn’t make it right though.”  He kissed the top of my head.  “Mike will take you downtown at 9 be ready.”  At that he left my room.

 

Since I was up anyway I decided to shower and get ready.  Once done I went to open my door to go down to breakfast.  Mike was right there.

 

“Morning Miss Kitty.  Your breakfast should be ready soon,  I will bring it in when it arrives.”  He softly explained.

 

I looked at him strangely.  “I haven’t ordered anything.”

 

“Chris took care of it.  We leave for the probation office at nine.  I would relax and watch some tv while you still can.  Oh and Amy, will you get your medicine and give it to me.”  He looked pointedly at me.  I felt like a child.

 

“Why Mike?”  I asked suspiciously, as if another restriction was placed on me. 

 

“Chris is going hardcore on this.  He doesn’t want you to make any stupid decisions.  You will still get your required dosages.  You have just lost the privilege of managing that yourself.  If you have over the counter stuff I will need that too.”  Mike told me, with a sadness in his voice.  It was as if he really didn’t want to be an enforcer.

 

I sighed.  “What’s for breakfast Mike?”

 

“Oatmeal.”  He said simply.

 

“And?”  I questioned further.

 

“Tea.”  He shrugged.

 

“And?”  

 

“That’s all.”  He said.

 

“Is he trying to kill me?”  I asked, realizing my restrictions would be heavy.

 

He laughed, “You do the crime, you do the time.”

 

When I finished my paltry breakfast Mike walked me down to the town car.  We went downtown.  As I walked into the building I was patted down and made to sit in a waiting room. A female guard came out and called my name.  I followed her back to the restroom and she explained how to get a proper sample.  I was grateful Mike made me drink a water bottle on the way over.  Otherwise it would have taken forever.  I placed the sample at the required place and then was made to wait another two hours.  Luckily, Mike brought a US Today from the hotel and he was willing to share.  When we were heading on hour three Mike politely asked what the hold up was.  He was told they were simply waiting for my results to come back from the lab.   At 3:45, I was called to go back.  

 

The probation officer was more concerned about his paperwork than he was about my rehabilitation. I was asked the standard questions, and then he looked at my test results.  He confirmed my prescriptions and then signed off on them. “It seems like everything is in order.  You have your service hours, a plan for where you are living and for school.   Your report from your therapist was optimistic, and your guardian confirmed you are compliant with your treatment plan.   As long as you do not step into the state of Colorado without your parents or guardians you should be fine.  Your license is still suspended till your 18th birthday but you will not have to meet with me again or take another drug test for the state.  Stay out of trouble Miss Putnam.  I don’t want to see you back here again.”

 

I nodded solemnly, “Yes sir.” 

 

He walked me back to Mike and we left for the buses.  

 

Mike smiled at me.  “Sucks that this day came on one which you are in trouble.  Where do you want to eat dinner?  My treat.”

 

“You don’t have to Mike.” I commented.  I didn’t want to make it a big deal.

 

“Look we both have to eat, and Lonnie told me that the catering sucks tonight, so to make myself happy I do.”  He smirked.

 

“How does Mexican sound?”  I asked.  I knew I would probably regret it later, but now it sounded good.

 

He nodded and we found a place close to the venue.  Once done I was escorted back to the buses to wait til we had to hit the road again.   

 

A couple days into the grounding, I went back to my bunk and found a single white rose.  I was sad that I had to leave it.  I wasn’t allowed my bags and was forced to use the toiletries the hotel placed in my room.  Mike took my remote, the landline, and clock radio.  He double checked the mini fridge for alcohol and then left me nothing but a Gideon Bible,  two scraps of hotel stationary and a hotel pen that would surely clump and not be able to write more than two words.  It was fucking depressing.  I got a basic grilled chicken salad for lunch, and about 5 hours later I got some plain grilled chicken, steamed broccoli and  half cup of brown rice for dinner.  At bed time I was given an apple and glass of milk along with my pills.  That was Groundhog Day for the next 2 weeks of my life.    

 

On hotel days Mike did come in and show me some exercises I could do in the room.  He had me run in place for 10 minutes, then I did three sets of 100 squats, lunges, pushups, and situps.  I then did 10 minutes of jumping jacks.  Before I stretched out I had to attempt 6 one minute planks.  I think Mike was being extra sadistic because of all of the grief I put him through. I was however getting stronger and raising my endurance levels.  

 

One day my school books, a pen, highlighter and notebook magically appeared.  I was never so excited about doing homework in my life.  By the end of the week since there really were no distractions I completed the syllabus.  I would have to type it up to send it in, but the main part of the work was done.  

 

It was also curious that since the school books arrived there were bouquets in the room every day.  The flowers were the state flower of whichever state we were in at the moment.  On the second week of this, instead of books for my class, there was a random book and a journal placed in the room.  I opened the journal.  A small note fell out.

 

Kitten -

Thank you for obeying Chris.  Strangely, it gives me hope.  I am glad you finished all your homework for the summer.  Now we can play a game of sorts, if you are willing that is.  You aren’t obligated to participate but I think you will find it enlightening.   Your first task in this adventure if you choose is to read the book I provided you.  

Much Love and Respect,

JC

 

I devoured the novel in under 10 hours.  Then I gave the book report Josh requested.  It was a popular John Grisham novel.  Nothing in it really stood out, but it was pleasurable getting lost in the world for a while to escape the problems I created for myself.  I thought Josh would like the story and he should read it as well if he wanted because it wasn’t a complete waste of time.  After I reviewed the book enough without giving away too much, I started writing about my feelings.  It flooded the page.  I felt guilty.  I was too much for him, or anyone.  As the surface issues burned away into notebook paper I started to get real.

 

My journal contained the following

 

So I have been cutting.  There I said it.  I know you probably have questions, so let me handle the ones I know you are going to have here.

 

I started doing it when I was in my last place. My roommate was doing it and she taught me how to do it and not get caught.  I tried it a couple of times but I didn’t really see the point in it except for momentary numbness.  Things had been going good for a while.  However my happiness has to be balanced by the universe.  The day we went surfing I came back to the hotel and kicked over  Renee’s bag.  Two razor blades fell out.  I took them.  After coming back from dinner I made my first cut.  I quickly thought better of it because having blood leaking from too many parts just seems dangerous.  I  didn’t do it again until my first night of grounding.  I have made a small cut every night since.  I don’t know if I can stop.

 

It was a cry for help.  I don’t know to this day what gave me the courage to write those words and then turn around and share them with Josh.  The next day I thought he would confront me about it on the bus, but he didn’t.  He waited till he could get me alone the next day.

 

It was early afternoon just a bit before my scheduled lunch.  I was in the bathroom when I heard someone banging around.

 

“Mike, I will be right out.”  I said.

 

“It’s not Mike.”  Josh’s voice rang out.

 

“I can see that.  Josh, what are you doing here?”  I said pulling my hoodie tighter around me.

 

“I wanted to have lunch with you.”  He said sincerely.  “I have missed you.”

 

“How is it possible you are here? You have radio spots all day.”  I looked at him as if I was seeing a mirage or talking to a ghost.

 

He faked a cough.  “Seems I am sick.  The doctor ordered vocal rest for the day.  However I foresee myself being magically cured by soundcheck.  I set our food up on the deck.  You could use some sun.”

 

I followed him out.

 

He looked me up and down.  “It's like in the 90's, Amy.  Take that hoodie off.  I am hot just looking at you.”

 

“I know you were arrogant, I just didn’t know how much Mr. Hotness.”  I joked to deflect his command.

 

He laughed,  “Seriously Amy.  I read your journal.  I know.  There is no sense in trying to hide it from me.”

 

I hung my head.  “They are so ugly Josh.”

 

He crossed his arms and silently just gave me the look.  All the objections that were swirling in my head began to crumble under the weight of it. 

 

 He bridged the gap between us holding out his hand to me.  “We will do this together.”

 

I took a deep breath and unzipped the hoodie, placing it neatly on my chair.  Immediately he was there.  His arms wrapped tightly around me and I drenched his shirt with my tears.  Tenderly he rubbed my back and petted my hair trying to soothe me.  He kissed the top of my head.  “You have know idea how brave you are.”

 

“If I was brave, I wouldn’t do this.” I threw away the compliment.

 

He smiled weakly and took my hand walking me over to the food.  “Come let’s eat.”

 

I nodded and sat down as he unveiled the gourmet burgers,  crinkle cut sweet potato fries, and a side salad.  “Wow, this looks really good.”

 

“Enjoy it, baby.”  He smiled softly, enjoying my gratitude towards him.

 

I took a bite of the juicy burger and there were know words to explain it after being without it for so long. My eyes rolled back at the taste of it.

 

Josh laughed,  “If I knew, I would have been treated to a Meg Ryan moment, I would have done this a lot sooner.”

 

“Meg Ryan moment?”  I squished my nose in puzzlement.

 

“You haven’t seen “When Harry met Sally? The infamous sandwich shop scene!”  He exclaimed as if he couldn’t believe it.

 

“No.” I said flatly.

 

“We will take care of that tonight after the show.   I will make the guys watch it.  You aren’t grounded from hanging out with us, just from going out. Justin has been grumbling about you not coming up front.  It’s time to stop sulking and live a little bit.”  He encouraged me.

 

“Chris won’t let me do anything.”  I pouted.

 

“He won’t let you go out, baby.”  Josh corrected, trying to define the line of my punishment a little more.  He was attempting to show me that I was punishing myself more than Chris was.

 

“He won’t let me choose my meals.”  I further bashed Chris.

 

“No, he doesn’t want you to have the temptation of a debit card. In his mind if you have money you can do something stupid.  Since you are not the cardholder in the room, you have to read off that information everytime you order to the room.  Because he is busy and doesn’t want one more thing to think about he wrote a very simple meal plan and put it on repeat.  He doesn’t care.  So here is what I propose, let me take that responsibility off of Chris’s plate.”

 

“You want to select what I eat?”  I asked, very dubious of the idea.

 

“Until he gives you your debit card back.” Josh clarified.

 

“What if I don’t like it?”  I questioned, still unsure.

 

“You can call me to get it changed.”  Josh suggested without thought

 

“I don’t have a phone.”  I reminded him.  Chris had taken that with everything else.

 

“Hmm, I guess you will have to eat it anyway or starve till the next meal.  Or how about this' ' He grabbed 15 ones from his wallet.  “Here, put this in your toiletry bag.  If for whatever reason your meal is not edible or enough, this is your snack money.  You can use it if you want a caffeine boost as well.  I will tell Mike he has to take you to the vending machine.”

 

“That will work.” I said almost relishing in the freedom that fifteen ones afforded me.

 

“But here’s the catch.  I want you to rate the food in your journal.  Tell me what you like and don’t like and why.  Also maybe it was good but it was missing something, tell me what you wanted to add.  I also want you to give an accounting of how you used the money and why you choose to use it.”  He explained.

 

“It sounds boring.  Why would you want to know all that?”  I asked, confused as to why he would be interested in any of this.  

 

“Don’t cut yourself down like Amy.  Your opinions are not boring.  They are a reflection of who you are.  You are a person I want to get to know better.” He said sincerely.

 

I blushed,  “How will I know what you like?”

 

“I will comment on your review and maybe tell you what I would have ordered for myself if I had the luxury of time to enjoy my meal.” Josh answered without skipping a beat.  It seemed as if he thought through all my possible objections.

 

We had a pleasant meal from there, Josh mentioning a couple stories of funny things that happened the night before. 

 

I sighed,  “I miss going to the shows and meeting the fans.”

 

“I’ll see what I can do.  No promises though.  Chris is pretty stubborn.”  He said apologetically.

 

He hugged me goodbye and hauled ass to get to the venue by sound check.  That night we were going to hit the road, so I got my stuff together and was escorted to a car that would take me to the bus.  The guys all got on after they showered.  Josh took over the couch and grabbed the video to set up.  

 

There was a collective groan when they saw that Josh had selected a romantic comedy.  I wasn’t sure where I wanted to sit.  Part of me wanted to be bold and sit by Josh, but what he said about the scene in the movie I thought I would get embarrassed if I was close to him while it played.  I kind of wished I could watch the movie by myself. Luckily Josh played it off as he was just wanting to watch something a bit different.  The guys bought it.  I chose to sit by Lance because that felt neutral. 

 

He smiled down at me.  “You should be sitting by him.”  He whispered.

 

I shook my head pulling the sleeves of my hoodie down to protect against the chill of the air conditioner the boys always demanded on high after the show.  Josh saw my actions and misinterpreted my actions.  

 

“Amy, hand me your hoodie.”  He ordered.

 

“I’m cold.”  I said simply deflecting him.

 

He just gave me the look.

 

“What?  I’m cold.”  I defended myself.

 

“Now Amy.  We talked about you not hiding.”  He said softly, but firmly.  

 

I unzipped it and flung it at him.  He winked at me, and mouthed thank you.  

 

“What are the tire tracks on your arm?” Joey was shocked at what he saw in front of him.  Lance bopped him on the head.

 

I noticed that Justin darted his eyes in disgust and said nothing.  

 

Chris growled,  “You care to tell me what this is about, Amy?”

 

I didn’t want to say anything.  I wanted to retreat back to my bunk, but Joey and Lance had stood up blocking the exit.  Trapped I willed myself not to cry.  Though I didn’t know what to say that would calm Chris’s rage.

 

Josh caught my eyes.  “Tell your truth, kitten.  We are all here for you.”

 

I tensed up and the words wouldn’t come.  He saw the fear in my eyes and beaconed me to him.  I sat beside him and he wrapped his arm around me.  “Take your time.  We have all night.”  He said softly in my ear.  

 

I didn’t know where to begin. “I started cutting.” I finally said softly.

 

Chris looked at Josh, leveling a harsh stare.  “And you knew about this?”

 

Josh lifted his hands in defense,  “I’ve only known for about 48 hours.”

 

“And you didn’t think to tell me.” Chris spat.

 

“I chose not to.  I found out through thoughts that Amy shared in her journal.  I wanted to confront her privately first to get her acclimated to trusting us to support her through this.  I knew you would overreact like you are doing now. Your relationship with her has been rocky for several weeks.  I was afraid a blow up would make her go deeper into her shell.”  Josh explained.

 

Chris turned back to me,  “Why Amy?”

 

“I was numb.  I wanted to feel.” I said simply.  

 

At that Justin got up and left the room.  I hid my tears into Josh’s chest.  He held me tighter, rubbing my back.   I looked up at Josh,  “Does he hate me?”

 

“Shh,  no baby.  He has his own issues to work through and you just touched a nerve.  He will realize what an ass he is being soon enough.”  Josh’s arms wrapped tighter around me.

 

Joey shrugged,  “I should probably go after him.  You got this Josh?”

 

“Yeah man, go take care of him.  Chris and I got this.”

 

Joey smiled,  “Hotlips you have to tell me what you thought of the movie.”

 

I rolled my eyes,  “Just go Joey.”

 

“I am here for you too.  You know that right? You don’t have to rely on these lugs.” He reassured me.

 

“I know.”  I said simply knowing I was going to get all their support whether I wanted it or not.

 

“Good girl.  Chris don’t be too hard on her.  She is a good kid.” Joey warned before heading back to find Justin.

 

Chris looked at Lance,  “If you have somewhere you need to be Lance, you don’t have to stay for this.”  

 

“I think somebody does to make sure you two don’t kill each other trying to protect her.  I’ll just be over here with my popcorn in case you need me. Amy if you need a time out from these two.  I will be happy to give it to you.  Carry on.”  He waved his hand and reclined into the lounger. 

 

Chris rolled his eyes and looked directly at me.  “What am I supposed to do with you, Amy?” He asked exasperated.  “Am I going to have to hospitalize you?” 

 

“No.” Fear chilled my veins.

 

“Chris, don’t you think that is an overreaction?”  Josh spoke up defending me.

 

“I am not equipped to handle this.  I don’t want to make a mistake here.  It could prove to be fatal.”  Chris explained his concerns further.

 

“I am not going to do it again.”  I said quietly.

 

“How do we know that?  I need some advice on what to do.”  Chris spoke almost to himself.

 

Josh sighed offering a compromise, “I could call Robbie.”

 

Chris turned his heels,  “Why the hell would we do that?”

 

“We will need his permission to get him to loan us Monica for a couple weeks.” Josh explained quietly.

 

“Amy doesn’t need a mistress.”

 

“No, but she needs a no nonsense psychiatrist that is not going to take her shit.”

 

Chris nodded thinking about it.  “You know Robbie never does anything for free.  It will be your ass hurting if anything goes wrong with this scheme.”

 

“If Monica says she needs institutional help we will go with that.  I just don’t want to jump the gun on this Chris.  You and Brian got her out because it was slowly killing her spirit.  You have to think about what the long term ramifications will be.”  Josh said justifying his position and issuing another compromise.

 

Chris sighed,  “You make the call.”  Then he turned as if thinking through the situation again. “Shit man if you make the call to Robbie.  He will think you two are courting.  I am not willing for him to have that idea yet.  Hell, she’s even forbidden from dating you right now.  I don’t want him stepping in and matchmaking either, you know what he thinks and what he does.”

 

Lance flipped his cell phone open.  “Hey Robbie?  It's Lance.  No, I am doing good. Thanks man but my alcohol intake is under control.  Maybe next we see one another you can have my ass.  Yeah I will let Josh know about your obsession with his.  Anyway, the reason I am calling is because we have a friend that needs your help.  I know your mission, and I know things are busy and you might not be able to spare her, but we need Mistress Monica to come out on tour and help get Amy’s head on straight. Yes, I am talking about Brian’s sister.   Yes, she is 16.  Chris has guardianship so he can get you the paperwork, and sign all the releases.  She’s been getting close to Josh.  In a journal she shared with him she mentioned she was cutting herself.  I don’t have a crystal ball man.  I couldn’t speculate, but yeah in a couple years such a match is possible.  No Robbie, we want her free as long as possible.  The girl is smart and deserves to go to college, and start her career.  The time will give it a chance for our fame to die down too.  No, as I said I can’t speculate about feelings they are not allowed to have.  Tomorrow morning we will be in Boulder.  The buses should be pulling in. We will meet her at Panera, got it.  No, they will be up and ready.  I promise.  Sure Robbie anytime.”  

 

He smiled and addressed Chris and Josh.  “Your welcome guys, Monica will meet us in Boulder tomorrow morning.  I’ll call Kevin to work around the accommodations.  It shouldn’t be a problem because Damon is in town and Renee I am sure will want to bunk with him.  Monica can stay with Amy, that way she can see the problem at ground level.  Turn on the movie. We shouldn't talk or think about this any more tonight.  Tomorrow is going to be a long enough day for Amy.”

 

I smiled softly at him,  “Thank you Lance.”

 

“Not a problem, sweetheart.  Watch the movie and get some shuteye, you will want to be thinking straight in the morning.”  He winked at her and then pushed play on the movie Josh had selected for us to watch earlier.

 

I leaned away from him not liking the idea of talking to a shrink.  I didn’t like the fact that so much power was put in the hands of someone just because she had letters behind her name.  It had never worked out well in the past, and I didn’t expect it to this time.  I was feeling betrayed and abandoned.  But what would be worse was abandoned and locked up.  Being committed again was a real possibility.  I watched the movie, even seeing the scene Josh spoke of I really didn’t get it.  I don’t know if  I really wanted to though, there was just so much going on in my head. As the movie ended I went back to my bed without a word. Mike did stop me with my evening pills and a water bottle.  Dutifully I took them and chugged the water before crashing out.

 

 

You are going to meet several new characters in this one.  I hope you like a few of them, and love to hate a couple of them as well.  

 

Not a Girl

At brunch a few days later an older woman met Chris, Josh and myself at the Panera we stopped at.  She wore a red pencil cut Brooks Brothers dress with black trim, showing off her figure yet showing very little skin.   She had a string of pearls flanking her neck that comfortably displayed a padlock with a raised R on it.  Her Jimmy Choo kitten heels highlighted her hosiery which formed a second skin of satin on her long and shapely legs that hinted at the lacey pieces she was undoubtedly wearing made of silk and lace.  Her sleek black hair was partially tied in a bun.  She was elegant and self confident, and nothing like me.

Chris beamed and kissed both her cheeks.  Josh did the same.  I wondered if this was the type of woman Josh would really want.  She was, in a word, intimidating.

“Monica, I am glad you could come at such short notice.”  Relief was thick in Chris' voice.  I felt guilty that I caused him such worry.  If I didn’t watch it, Renee would have to start dying his hair to cover the gray I was causing.  

She tugged an errant strand of hair behind her ear as she adjusted her black rimmed cat eyed glasses as she went over her notes. “When Robbie told me, I knew this was where I needed to be.  I’ve cleared my schedule for the week to focus on laying the groundwork.”

“Were you able to get the files?  I signed the documents to share, but unfortunately they would only give them to a professional.” Chris complained.    

“I did.  It was fairly expansive reading for the plane.”  She said aloofly.

He smiled,  “If there is anything else you need, let me know.  The guys and I will do anything to help you on this.” He assured her.  Chris turned and questioned me.  “What I want to know is how?  I took everything possible.”

“I hid the razor blade in the cushion of my tennis shoes.”  I sheepishly admitted.

“Are they there now?” He cocked his eyebrow at me.

I nodded.

“Well take your shoes off and hand them over.”  He held his hand out expecting my complete obedience.

I went to obey but a panic attack took over.  I started wheezing.  I thought I was dying.  

“Stop with the dramatics and do it now Amy.” Chris rolled his eyes.

I just froze.  Josh went to me, hugging me tightly.  “I have you kitten.  Just breathe.”

I clung tightly to him and tried to focus simply on him, and the rise and fall of his chest.  As he rubbed my back the pain started to loosen and I was able to exhale, and then intake a solid breath.  He held me until I started breathing normally, when he finally let me go he handed me a glass of water.  “Drink it all, kitten.”  He ordered softly.

Without question I sat and obeyed.  As I was talking he commanded.  “Give me a foot.”

I swung the one into his lap.  He smiled and removed my shoe, tossing it over to Chris. He smiled,  “That’s a good girl now the other one.”

I obliged.  He handed the other shoe off to Chris and then squeezed both my feet and started to rub them a little.

“Um puppy.  You did good.  Now let her go.” Monica reprimanded him.

Surprisingly he perked up and did exactly as he was told.  I however immediately felt cold without his touch and pulled my legs into myself for warmth.

Monica looked down at her papers, and made some notes simply observing my response.  When she noticed my discomfort she looked back down.  After a few minutes had passed she looked back up and focused her gaze on Chris  “The biggest thing I want to know is what your goal is here?”  

“To keep her alive.”  Chris solemnly said, and it twisted something in my gut.

“There are tons of ways to do that.  Some are more pleasant than others.  Many know what I do?  Why do you want me here?”  She asked, confused.

Chris sighed, running his fingers through his hair.  “I don’t want her to have to go back to the hospital again.”

“That is one treatment model.”  She acknowledged humming as she looked back through my history.   “But from what I have seen it is not effective. How long is Amy staying with you guys?”

“Until mid August.” Chris confirmed, not really knowing her point.

“And the plan for after?”  She probed more.

“College.” Chris supplied with hesitation in his voice.  

“Hmm we will talk about that more later, but let’s assume it is that or some similar environment.  She needs tools to self regulate.  The medications when she is not cycling tend to have some positive effect.  It is far too much for my liking, but without tools she will likely need stronger and stronger dosages as time goes on.”  She prattled on, her treatment plan starting to take place.

I huffed,  “If you are just going to talk around me, there is no reason for my being here.”  I got up, Josh reached out and pulled me down to sit on his lap. I squirmed, “Let me go Josh.”

“No.  You need to hear this.  It will help.”  He encouraged.

“I don’t need to do anything.”  I struggled a little more.

“Give her some bodily autonomy, puppy.”  She ordered as if it was as easy as breathing. Josh released me, and I bounded off his lap.  I then slid back down in the seat beside him.  Monica looked at me sternly,  “You have a lot of work to do Amy.  I can’t make you do it.  Chris can’t make you do it.  Josh can’t make you do it.  Brian can’t make you do it. Your family can’t make you do it.  It is a choice you have to make to get better and take the steps to get your mind right.”

Josh looked at Monica,  “How do we support her?”

“You have been doing a good job at it.  Robbie was right about you.  I must  counsel you that you shouldn’t mix in romantic love with this Josh.  It is too early.  Even when Amy is of age we will have to do an assessment to make sure she is regulating properly.  She needs to be fully aware of her choice and what that means for her.  Amy, you are biting your lip.  Do you do that often?’

“I don’t know.”  I shrugged

“Show me your forearm.” She ordered.  I held it out to her and she examined it.  “Josh if you have that arnica laced with silver oxide there are few fresher cuts that can benefit.

He nodded, “I will get it for her when we get back on the bus.”  

“Same for these scratches.  Your little crescent moons will heal on their own.”  Monica looked at Josh.  “You know what this is indicative of don’t you Josh.”

He nodded,  “The signs are there, but she is not at all submissive.”

“She is 16 with a shit ton of trauma to work through.” She reminded him.  

I was fed up, “Am I invisible?”

“I am sorry Amy.  Perhaps this conversation needs to be had later.”

“So now instead of talking shit in front of me you are going to do so behind my back.”  I retorted.

“You know some in my profession would call it malpractice for me to put voice to what I am seeing.  You haven’t discovered your identity yet Amy, and I see these boys are trying to keep you as innocent as they can for as long as possible.  I am just going to say it.  You're a masochist and since that is the case I am going to provide a safer replacement behavior.”

She handed me three rubber bands of different thicknesses. “Test them out and see which one you like the best.”

I cautiously put them on my left arm and plucked one at a time.  It was like being at the eye doctor when they were asking which looked better 1 or 2, 3 or 4.

“I can’t choose.”  Each had their own sting or thud based on thickness.

“You don’t have to for now.  I am sure you will naturally begin to select one over the other or develop a pattern.  I just wanted you to know there was a difference.  Do you like the sensation Amy?”  She asked poised to take further notes on my condition.

I blushed, “Yes.”

“This is the only self harm you are allowed.   For a replacement behavior to work though there is responsibility that goes with it.  I want you to start naming your triggers and how that made you feel.  When we discover what those are we can start thinking of options to manage them.”  She explained to me carefully.  

Chris moaned,  “Is that all you are doing?  I could have done that myself and saved 20 grand.”

“Kirkpatrick this is not the time for joking around.  You will not use your defense mechanism of lame humor in my sessions unless it is meant to ease Amy’s tension.  Humor can be used the right way but we are not going to use it to minimize the problems.”

“Yes mistress.”  He saluted her.

She pointed to the door.  “Out,  I will talk to you later.”

“I’ll be good, I promise Monica.”  He begged.

“No, I set a boundary and you crossed it.  What kind of example would I be if I let you get away with that kind of behavior?”

He raised his hand in defeat.  “As you wish.”  Then he quietly walked out of the room.

“Are you punishing him later?”  Josh asked, winking.

“The door is there, puppy, do you need to use it?”  She lifted her eyebrow in direct challenge.

“No ma'am I will be a good boy.”  He straightened up some, but there was a twinkle in his eye and a bit of mirth hiding under his smirk.

She sighed, “Just go.”

Without saying a word Josh did as he was told.

“How did you do that?”  I asked in utter amazement that she could get Chris and Josh to do exactly what she wanted.

“I am a domme, Amy.  I know such a thing is rare at the club.  I am very thankful to Robbie and his training to live out my identity fully.  Don’t get it twisted though, Amy.  I am as beholden to the club as anyone else in your world.  I just had a certain ability that could be exploited in another way.  But today isn’t time to talk about the club.  Today is to get you well.  Tell me besides drugs, what have people done with you before?” She probed.

I was being put under the microscope now and I didn’t like it. Immediately my hackles went up and spewed, “Why should you care?’

“I don’t take disrespect from the caregivers.  Do you think I would from my patients?”  She asked me with a withering look.

I shook my head,  “No.”

“Let’s try again.  I asked a leading question about your care, and you defensively responded “Why should you care?” Can you ask that question in a more productive way?”  She asked, giving me a second chance of doing this the easy way. 

“Why is my history important, Doc?”  I tried to take this as seriously as she intended.

She sighed impatiently, “I don’t need a title, Amy.  Not one you would use at the club or one that I am entitled to professionally.  While we are in session I would like you to call me Monica.  As for why I need to know your history, I don’t want to recreate the wheel.  If you have done things that worked and felt good to you, I need to know. If there are things that made you uncomfortable or pissed you off I need to know that too.”

“My journal works.”  I said, throwing her a bone.

She smiled,  “It does. I was impressed with the metacognition when I read it.  You are self aware and I can use that to help you.  

“Josh shared it.”  I bit my lip again feeling the hurt of the betrayal.

“Honey, you have to see it from his point of view.  You wrote something in there if not dealt with could cause you a great deal of harm or could kill you.  He values your life more than he does your privacy.”  She explained to me a little more patiently than I deserved.

I sat there quietly thinking about it. 

A few minutes later she broke the silence.  “Now tell me something that doesn’t work.”

“Group therapy.” I rolled my eyes in utter contempt just thinking about it.

“What do you dislike about it?”  She inquired seriously. 

No one had ever asked me that question before, so I decided to answer it honestly.  “Its usually me listening to people rattle on about how fucked up their lives are.  Their problems have nothing to do with mine.”

“That is valid, you are not going to grow your identity that way.  Now I am not discounting the method.  For some it is helpful to realize they are not alone and have a support system.  You are just not in a place where it can benefit you.  So what else is positive, I hate to bring it up again but you were recommending that John Grisham book to Josh.  Do you like to read Amy?”  She asked, trying to steer us both to a more pleasant subject.

“I do.” I said smiling.

“Has anyone introduced bibliotherapy to you?” She asked as if it was something on her checklist.

That was a new concept for me.  I couldn’t quite connect it yet. “Book therapy?  How is reading therapy going to help?”

She wasn’t ready to connect the dots for me yet.  “We may look into it more.  For now I don’t want you to see it as work. See it as a way to simply get to know Josh better.  A book gives you something neutral to talk about, but it can bring up values and character traits, themes and ideas that will challenge the both of you.  You seemed to have some shorthand and inside jokes with the writing too.  May I ask, what are your feelings towards Josh?”

I shrugged.  She was a stranger.  I was not sure of my true feelings yet.  Why would I share something with her that I hadn’t shared with Josh or even myself.

She smiled tightly, “Good girl,  I wouldn’t admit them either if I had them.  Let me remind you, I am a mandated reporter.  I take this seriously, Amy.”

I nodded.  

“Let’s take this in another direction.  Chris told me he had you working out with your security.  I believe he picked Mike for you.”  She led the discussion away again from a touchy subject.

“Yes, Mike is a sadist.” I complained.

“The best physical trainers are. Describe your workout and nutrition plan.” She commanded.  

“What does that have to do with anything?" I questioned not really seeing where she was going with all this and what it had to do with my cutting.

“Sometimes to heal the emotional, the physical needs to be managed.” She quipped and created space for me to talk.  

I rolled my eyes again, and explained my latest workout routine Mike had created.

“So you do that all in the room,  you don’t go to the hotel gym or outside?”  She asked, a little amazed.

“Not since I have been grounded.” I sighed.  Outside workouts were so much better.

She bit her lip and thought for a minute.  “I will go to bat for you with Chris on that one.  You need more time outside. Now what about food?”

“Prior to my grounding I just ate whenever I got hungry, normally pizza, or burgers, that kind of thing.  When Chris took away the debit card, I got my meals at fixed times during the day.  They were nutritious but bland.  But that is going to be better, I think Josh has taken over the ordering for him.”  I offered, but then thought that I probably should of shared that.

Luckily she didn’t spend too much time on the topic. “Hmm, that can be interesting so long as someone else is actually cooking the meal.  You’ll have to tell me how that goes.  So, are you sleeping?”

“I sleep through the night with the assistance of a sleeping pill.  It helps keep the night terrors away.”  I explained.

“Chris mentioned some resistance to that medication.” She commented, leading me skillfully to admitting my noncompliance.

“I don’t like how it makes me feel in the morning.  I feel groggy often throughout the day when I take it.  I will have nightmares if I don’t.”  I told her simply.

“Despite the side effects it will have to be part of your treatment plan.  No exceptions, those boys have my permission to force feed it to you, if you give them any problems on this.”  She leveled her eyes at me.

I didn’t protest.  It would simply be easier to take them.  “I understand.”  I said softly.

“So let’s review.  You have the replacement behavior rubber band.  You will get proper nutrition, exercise and take your medications.  You will write in your journal daily.  You will read the books you or Josh decide are interesting.  And I will get Chris to reinstate your job on tour.  I will stay in your room for a week and observe.  You are to go about your day's activities as if I am not here.  I want you to say yes to any opportunity the guys give to socialize with them, I will however caution them against clubs as it seems that they might not be the safest places for you right now.  We will have our daily session as we have lunch together.  I will give Chris my recommendation for further treatment at the end of the week.”  She summarized our meeting.

I agreed and we concluded the least painful intake session I have ever had. When I got back on the bus I watched a movie with the guys until we reached the venue.  Then instead of being routed to the hotel I got routed back to the meet and greet room.  I was quickly given a job and the pace of the day increased from there.  Chris wanted me close so I watched from backstage that night.

When I got back to my bunk, I smiled at the bunch of wild flowers that were in a vase anchored to my bed.  I felt an intense stare on my back, when I turned around Josh simply smirked and winked at me.  I softly smiled back and smelled the fragrant bunch mouthing “thank you.”  I curled into my bunk writing in my journal about the day and the substantial improvements that occurred in my life.

The next week went rather quickly as I was kept busy.  I found that for once I actually liked talking to my shrink.  However, Monica wasn’t pushing me.  When I asked about it that third day at lunch she shrugged,  “That is not what you need right now, Amy. I am sure we will get to it eventually if you keep me on as your therapist, but these sessions are simply to make sure your crisis is resolving, and that the strategies you are implementing are working.  I am pleased with what I am seeing so far.  But we will talk more with the guys on Friday to go over your prognosis and follow up recommendations.”

That evening I was sitting at my post in the meet and greet room when someone came up behind me.  Thinking it was Justin I was getting ready to backhand him and evade his hold.  The fans hadn’t been let in yet which was weird.  Usually people were all checked in and cued up before the guys found their way in here, as events were always very busy for everyone.  As I turned around there was a tall muscular man with a sandy brown buzz cut with placid ocean blue eyes. A jagged scar marred from under his eye to his chin marred his otherwise unblemished face.  I let out a squeal and raised from my seat to hug him.

“Brian, what are you doing here?” I questioned as if these world’s didn’t ever connect.  

“I am on leave.  I thought I would see how you were really doing before I got shipped back out again.”  He answered, looking me over as he hadn’t seen me in years.

“Are Shannon and the kids here?”  I asked.

“They are at the hotel getting settled in.  Shannon wanted the babies to nap before the show.  They will be back here tonight though.  I see Chris has you working for him.”  He pointed out the obvious.

“It is nothing.” I deflected.

“When you finish your duty, meet me in the guy’s play room and we will find a quiet corner to have dinner.  I want to hear about this trip you are on.”  He said with a smile.  

I nodded,  “Yes sir.”

He patted my shoulder,   “Good girl.”  He praised me and left me to do my tasks for the rest of the afternoon.

The guys were all in good spirits as they met with the fans, and the afternoon went quickly.  Gina had seen me talking to Brian and shooed me out of the room the moment the last fan left.  I felt bad that I wasn’t participating in the clean up but since my supervisor had commanded it I wasn’t neglecting my duty.  It would be okay.  However the anxiety bubbling up inside me was not okay.  I strummed the rubber bands a couple times to bring me back into the present, and headed for the playroom.

When I entered, I heard children giggling.  Two were hanging on to Joey and the two littles were being hoisted in the air by Justin.  My step sister was trying to keep my one year old niece from running out of the playroom naked and Shannon was sitting in a rocking chair with the baby.  I smiled and braced Rosie and handed her off to Kasey to get her dress back on her.

“Does Shannon have you doing babysitting duty, Kasey?”  I asked.

“Just helping some.  Reegan is filling plates.”  She responded as she was smoothing Rosie’s dress.

“Whose Reegan?” I asked curiously.

Kasey slumped holding the baby on her hip. “Brian, got us a new nanny.  I don’t like her very much.”

“She’s not hurting you is she?”  The question was a knee jerk reaction.  I didn’t remember everything that I did, but I most certainly remembered that my actions were meant to keep Kasey, Meggy, and Brady safe.  My mama bear claws were about to come out.

“No nothing like that, but I think Brian may be sleeping with her.  Shannon isn’t happy.”  I could see her sad face momentarily.  She was discovering a person she thought walked on water was not as perfect as she once believed and that is really hard for a kid.

That was hard information for me too. I did not have the time and desire to process.   I wouldn’t ask and I knew he wouldn’t tell.  I nodded, “So long as you are safe.”  

She smiled,  “Guess what?

“What?” I matched the energy of her excitement.

“I got to meet Justin Timberlake.”  She squealed a little.

It was everything I could do not to roll my eyes.  “That’s great sis.”

“Now all you have to do is meet JC, and then we will marry them and will be able to live together forever.” She prattled the fairytale.

At that moment Josh walked up behind me.  He wrapped his arms around me and leaned his chin on my shoulder, looking down at Kasey.  “She’s already met me honey.  But trust me you don’t want that one over there.”  pointing to Justin squishing up his nose.  “He smells.”

I bit my lip attempting not to crack up at Kasey's huge eyes.  I was about to say something when I heard Brian’s voice.  “Did you get distracted from your mission, Amy? I am over here.”

Panicking, I shrugged Josh’s arms off of me.  Not liking my brush off he grabbed my hand and led me over to Brian, not at all hiding what we were becoming.

Josh reached out to shake Brian’s hand,  “I’m JC Chasez.  It is nice to finally meet you Brian.”

“Good to meet you too.  Take a seat man.” He pointed to the one on his right side.  He then directed me.  “Amy, I have a seat for you.”  He pointed to the left side of him.  Reluctantly I let go of Josh’s hand and sat where commanded. Josh stood as I got settled into my seat before sliding into the seat by Brian.

Kasey came bounding over.  “Don’t they look super cute together, Brian?” She enthusiastically asked. 

Truth out of the mouth of babes.  Brian looked between the two of us.  “They are good friends and have had time to hang out.  That is all you are seeing.  Go round up the kids for dinner.”  He commanded dismissing her. 

He turned to Josh,  “Sorry that one has watched too many Disney Princesses movies.”

Josh smiled, one that actually reached his eyes.  “That’s okay man.  Most of our fans have her enthusiasm.  She is going to have fun tonight at the show I am sure.”

Brian nodded, “So Chris has told you about what is involved in Amy’s contract.”

Josh solemnly nodded,  “He has.”

“I have seen you in action and have many reservations.”  He commented with a hard stare.

“When was that?” Josh asked to clarify.

“Back when you guys were preparing to go to Germany.”  He told Josh.

“Ah, I see.  I have grown a lot since then in skill and beliefs.  Back then it was all about sex.”  Josh explained.

“And that hasn’t changed for you?”  Brian continued to interrogate.

“I am not going to lie.  It is a pretty high drive, and anyone with me will have a lot to deal with, but I have mastered my control over myself and my partners.”  The confidence and ego was oozing off of him.

“I see and just how many partners do you have?”  Brian interrogated further.

“Now, none.” Josh answered simply with no guile.

“So you just troll the clubs then.”  Brian commented in a distasteful tone. 

“I avoid them as often as I can.  Demonstrations are sometimes required of me.”  Josh explained matter of factly. 

“If I were to choose you to fulfill the requirements of the contract would Amy become one of your demonstration models?” He asked, in a way that implied something really dirty.

“Not until she is completely trained.”  Josh clarified.  I didn’t know whether I should be fearful or excited with the possibility.  

“I see.”  Brian said in a noncommittal grunt.

In an effort to allay my brother’s  fears, Josh launched himself into an explanation. “I don’t like it any better than you do, but you know I can’t make promises when it comes to the club like that.  One never knows all the expectations.  I can only promise that as much as it depends on me I endeavor to have no harm come to her.”

It was then Reegan came over with plates.  “Sir, here is your dinner, and yours as well Master Chasez.”  She averted her eyes.  Josh shifted in his chair uncomfortably.

“Thank you Reegan.  Go get Amy’s now and then you are free to make your own and take your dinner break.” Brian ordered.  He called her back, lowering his voice.  “Master" is a title reserved for the bedroom and club.  Any man worth his salt earns that title.  You have no relationship with this man and therefore sir, Mr. Chasez or JC should work.”  

Blushing a little for Reegan’s discomfort, Josh added,  “JC will work just fine, honey.” 

Brian waved her away,  “Go now, Reegan.”

She gave me the stink eye,  “Yes sir.” and flounced off.  There was something to Kasey’s assessment of this one.  I would have to call Shannon more often to make sure things were okay.

Within two minutes Reegan came back with my plate.  I looked down and noticed it contained the same items that she would have gotten for the kids, and at the same portion sizes. I gave her a tight smile,  “Thank you Reegan.”  I said politely and pushed the items around my plate as the guys had changed the conversation to more innocuous things like music and the Redskins.

Josh looked over at me.  “You will eat it all, kitten.”  He said in a voice so smooth it had no edge.  Adding balm to the wound he added.  “If you want more, babe, you can go back to the line, there is plenty.”  He then asked Brian about a movie that he was hoping to see.

Although the attention was off of me, I knew both men were watching me still, so I followed command.  I would not make an appeal for something so trivial.  I quickly finished my meal as Brian and Josh carried on their conversation around me.

A little while later I noticed Renee out of the corner of my eye,  Josh had seen her as well.

He rose.  “I am sorry but it looks as if I am needed in hair and makeup.  How long are you going to be in town, man?”

“I'm staying through the weekend.  We will talk more tomorrow night.”  Brian said, at that Josh smiled briefly at me and walked away.  I watched him go until he was out of sight.

Brian chuckled,  “You are worse than Kasey.  At least with her I know there is not a snowball's chance in hell of it happening.”  

I blushed, “You don’t have anything to worry about.”  I confessed.

“Don’t lie to me Amy.  I know you are smitten and have been for years.  That is not a problem until the man in question has eyes for you too. I have a lot to think about Amy.  He is not to pursue you nor are you to accept his advances until such a time as I give my permission.  Is that understood?”  His look was stone and I knew he would entertain no arguments on the matter.

“Yes sir.” I practically wilted at the acceptance of the command.

Brian smiled, “So tell me about the trip.  Shannon said "you got to try surfing.”

I shrugged picking at my hoodie, “It's not all it is cracked up to be.”  I admitted flippantly.

Brian raised his eyebrow,  "That’s not what I heard from Shannon.”

“Shannon has too much to worry about as it is.  I tell her only happy things.”  I admitted.

Brian nodded, “I watched you work today from the open doorway. You looked happy hanging out with the fans,  and I bet the shows are awesome to watch.”

I smiled,  “They are.”

“Chris mentioned you are already done with your summer classes?”  He questing more trying to get me to open up.

“Yeah he gave me some uninterrupted time a couple weeks ago to get it done.” I sheepishly admitted.

Brian leveled a stern look at me,  “And why did you get all of that time?’

“I was kind of grounded.”  I looked at my shoes not wanting to talk about it any longer.

“And why was that?”  He led me into a trap of my own making that certainly would include double punishment.

“I went to a club the guys were at without Chris’s permission.” I admitted because lying would simply be suicide by police.

“I see, well it is good to know he is not afraid to discipline you.  When Chris told me about it I thought he might be going a tad too far but it seems that he has made an impression on you.  Whoever, I give you away to, you will have to learn to submit and obey Amy.”  He was winding up his lecture on family safety and responsibility.

 

So my chapter was too long and I had to split it up.  So you all get a two for one deal tonight.

 

I was saved from giving my reaction to Brian by Kacey running up to me.  “Amy, Shannon said that I could go out front to watch the concert, but only if you came with me.  Please can we go now.  I don’t want to miss a single moment of Justin.”  She begged incessantly.

I smiled at her and looked to Brian for permission to go.  Shannon didn’t run shit in their household and for all I knew Kacey was making that up in her seven year old mind.  Brian nodded.  “Go and have fun.  Kacey you mind Amy and don’t leave her side, hold her hand as you move through crowds.”  He paused looking around.  “Amy, who's your security agent?”

Mike stepped up and Kacey stepped ten feet back.  “My eyes are on Amy at all times, Captain Putnam. I’m Mike.”

Brian scooped Kacey up in his arms, bringing her back over to Mike.  “Kacey, this is Mr. Mike.  He is going to be watching over you and Amy too in order to make sure everything is safe just like Mr. Brandon does for the whole family.  You are to obey him just as you do me, is that understood?”

“Yeah.” She rolled her eyes.

“I don’t believe I heard you correctly, pumpkin.”  Brian stared her down in that uber protective fatherly way of his.

“Yes sir.”  She mumbled.

“It sounds like a little girl wants to stay backstage all night.”  He threatened.

“No sir.  I will obey sir.”  She said quickly.

“That’s a good girl. Amy, you watch out for Kasey and we will talk more later.”  His gaze was hard but he gave the nod and we were free.

I nodded, “Yes sir.”  I took Kasey’s hand and led her to the door. Dealing with a screaming teenie bopper sounded 100% better than continuing the conversation Brian and I were about to have.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  

 

It was fun to see her excitement with the lights, sound and people. At the concession stand I got us each cokes and pretzels  and we danced through the opening acts.  As the last one was dismounting the stage I nudged Kasey. “Now is a good time to go to the restroom.”

“I don’t want to, I don't want to miss anything.”  She protested.

I knew I should have insisted but I wanted to avoid a tantrum so I let it go.  Twenty minutes later she was wiggling around stepping from foot to foot.  “Amy I gotta go.”  She told me desperately.  I nodded and flagged Mike down, signing where we were going.  I held her close to allow Mike to check the facility which was my second mistake of the night as I felt some warmth against my pant leg.  “Mike, we need to go to the merch table first.” I sighed.

Tears filled Kacey’s eyes.  “I am going to be in so much trouble.”

“Don’t worry, bug.  You will be okay.  Let’s get you some dry clothes and get you cleaned up.  We’ll get matching sweats and t-shirts. What do you say?”  I said, trying to comfort her.  

“But I am missing Justin.”  She pouted.  “And the fireworks.”

I didn’t have a heart to tell her that we wouldn’t be staying for the fireworks anyway, nor did I want to tell her we would be leaving right after Sailing to be on the bus prior to the quick out otherwise we wouldn’t be out of the arena til well after one, which was past both of our bed times.

Mike with his security badge was able to let us cut the line, so Kacey wouldn’t have to stay in wet things so long. I was thankful for that.  I selected the smallest sweats and tshirts I could find for Kacey and got a medium one for myself, then we trudged back to the restroom.  I gave Kacey her privacy to clean up and change while I did myself.  When finished I placed the soiled clothes in the bag the clothes came in and led Kasey back to our seats for two more songs.

At the end of Sailing I nudged her again.  “We have to go now, bug.”

“I don’t want to go.  It isn’t over.” She whined.

“I know but for our safety that is what we have to do.  Mr. Mike’s orders.”  I attempted to reason with her.

“But I don’t wanna.”  And the tantrum began.  Mike had no patience for it and scooped the girl up in his arms, and herded me to the aisle.  We walked more quickly than usual out of there.  We were staying at the hotel so we were quickly ushered into a town car.  I held on to Kacey the whole way home, her whimpers dissipating to quiet snores and I smoothed her hair.  I was led to Brian’s suites to drop off Kacey.  

She was groggy but brightened when she saw Shannon.  “It was so much fun, Shannon.  Justin is just to die for.  I think he winked at me from the stage, and you should have seen the eyes JC was giving Amy.  We got cokes and pretzels, and then to top off the night we got matching sweat suits.”

I placed the small bag of clothes by the laundry bag.  Shannon noticed my action.  “She wasn’t too difficult for you, was she?  I kind of felt bad leaving you alone with her.”

I smiled tiredly,  “She was fine.  I am glad she was able to have a good time.  We had to cut it short because of the quick out.  Kacey didn’t like that too much, but Mike was there to help me get her back here safely.”

“I see we had an accident.  How much were the sweats?”  She asked, nodding at the clothes bag.

I shook my head,  “No it was my pleasure.”

“Tell me so I can have Brian reimburse you.”  She insisted.

“No ma'am. It was a gift, please let me do this.” I begged.  I wanted to have the pleasure of giving a little joy to Kasey, and having Brian and Shannon pay for it would ruin some of the joy.

“Amy, the money in your account is your school money.  I can’t have you treat it so frivolously.  With rush you have expenses coming up. Brian was talking about how important it was to make a good showing.”  She further explained trying to make me see reason.

“Uhh, I don’t want to rush.” I pouted.  I had been thinking about it and nothing about the ordeal sounded fun at all.  It sounded like emotional work I did not want to do.

“Does rush mean you get to wear pretty dresses?”  Kacey asked from the couch where she was stuffing her face with animal crackers.

“For some of the events.”  I said.

“Then you have to do it.  Is JC going to be your date to all the dances?”  She asked curiously as if it was just the most logical thing in the world.

I blushed a little and waved off the suggestion.  “No, sweetheart.  He is too busy with his music and we are just friends.”

“You should ask him.  I am sure he wouldn’t mind, but I think it might hurt his feelings if you don’t.”  She said with her best playground logic.

“Bug, the Captain thinks I am too young to date.”  I said pushing away any more talk.  

Shannon looked over at Kasey.  “Don’t even think about putting another animal cracker in your mouth.  I want you to go brush your teeth.  You are to be in bed asleep when I come and check on you or I will have to tell Brian all about your behavior at the concert, and how you tried your sister’s patience.” 

“Yes ma’am.”  Kasey quickly got up and went to the bathroom as directed.

When I determined that she could no longer hear us I said,  “Really she wasn’t that bad.”

“I wanted to talk to you alone and didn’t want her asking a hundred questions as to why she couldn’t stay.  Brian will simply hear that you two had a pleasant time.”  Shannon explained seriously.

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked carefully, sure that I didn’t want to know.

“I keep hearing about this guy named JC.  What would you like to share?”  She prodded.

I shrugged,  “He is just a guy in Chris’s band.”

“Even Kasey knows that is a lie.  What’s going on, Amy?”  She asked me exasperated with how I was down playing things.

I decided to chance it and share what was on my heart.  “I like him so much it hurts.”  I admitted.

“I was afraid of that.  Do you have any clue what he is thinking on the matter?”  She asked, trying to see if she really needed to be worried about me.

“I don’t know. Sometimes it is like he is as into me as I am into him.  Other times he gets distant, and mean.  Then there are times he is protective and caring.  All I do know is that both Brian and Chris have forbidden it.  But then lately Chris has been a bit more permissive when it comes to Josh.  He hasn’t forbidden him from giving me gifts, writing to me or spending time with me in groups.  Not a word is said when he puts his arm around me or holds my hand.  Chris included him when we met with Monica the first time and I think he will be at the exit meeting Friday as well.”  I started to rationalize to try to work out for the first time in words to someone other than the guys about where we really stood.

“Let him go, Amy.  He is a monster anyway.  I can’t even believe Brian is seriously entertaining this.”  She begged me.

I had no time to react, especially to her opinion of him.

“You can’t believe I would entertain what. my love?”  Brian’s voice echoed in the room.

“How much did you hear?” She asked, tensing up.

“Enough, but you didn’t answer my question.” He looked at her pointedly to answer.

Shannon sighed and gave me an apologetic smile,  “We were talking about JC, and Amy’s feelings.  I was saying that I couldn’t believe that you thought he would be an appropriate choice for her.”

Brian nodded,  “The jury is still out on that. As grandfather says, order matters.  If a relationship is to happen it will occur rightly with all parties in agreement.”   Brian turned to me.  “It is past your bedtime Amy.  Mike is waiting outside for you.  It seems I have a wife to discipline, being nosey and questioning.” 

I blushed, trying to sponge my brain from imagining what might happen between the two of them.  “Goodnight.”  I hightailed it out of the room, Mike dutifully following after me.

I stopped midway to my room.  It didn’t feel like going to bed, and since the next day was a holiday, I let my desire be known.  “Do I have to go to my room, Mike?”

“No, but you can’t leave the hotel.  I think the restaurant at the bar might still be open.  You could go to the work out center or up to the pool if you would like.”  He gave me some choices that I thought were reasonable considering the hour.

I brightened, “Cheese fries sound good.”

“The bar it is.” He led me down to the bar area and I sat on a stool.  Mike gave me some space.  A lot of the crew were in and out having their pre-party drinks before going out to a local club.  Several stopped and talked to me like I was one of the family.  It was a really chill vibe and knowing most everybody by name put me at ease.  

Renee had come up and introduced me to Damon.  He was one fine assed financial planner.  I could see why she was obsessed.  “Excuse me ladies, I hear JC’s laugh.  I want to pin the man down to an appointment time tomorrow.” He walked over to the otherside of the bar.

I smiled at Renee,  “Are you having fun?”

“Yes, though I wish he would stop thinking about work for one second. He is on vacation.”  She sighed, and then asked me. “Does Chris know you are down here?” 

I shook my head,  “No, Mike only gave it as an option because the kitchen is still open.”

“Alright, just be careful.  Don’t go out of this area with anyone.  Make sure Mike walks you back to your room.”  She ordered.

“Yes, mom.” I saluted her.

She hugged me and collected Damon so they could head out.  It was a few minutes later that I heard Josh’s voice. “I’d like a Jack and Coke, and Cranberry Club for the lady, please.”

I turned in his direction,  “Hey.”

He raised his eyebrows, “Hey to you too.”

“I thought you were going to go out tonight.”  I said softly.

“Nah, Joey and Lance will make the rounds for all of us tonight.  I wanted a more chill evening.  Why aren’t you in bed?  It is late.”  He asked curiously.

“I was still wound up and didn’t think I could sleep.” I softly admitted.

“You have help with that, you know.” He patted my knee as he reminded me of my medicine.

I rolled my eyes and gave him a common excuse, “Yeah but when I am fighting it at bedtime the grogginess is worse the next morning.”

He nodded, “That’s fair.  So were you thinking of getting food?”

My eyes lit up remembering my original plan.  “Yeah, I told Mike I wanted cheese fries.”

“Cool, do you mind sharing with me?”  He asked, his hand draping across the back of my seat.

“It's fine.” I consented knowing that one I wouldn’t be able to finish the plate by myself anyway, and two sharing food with him would mean I would have some time with him. 

He smiled and waved over the bartender ordering our food, then he took another look at me.  He smirked,  “You are decked out in the merch I see.”

“Oh, this is my sister’s doing. She wanted us to have matching sweat suits.”  I said self consciously, smoothing my pant leg.

“It's cute, you should model it for us.  In fact, stand up.”  I did as he said a bit awkwardly.  He hummed,  “Very nice.  Now turn slowly, let me get the full effect.”

I blushed and hid my face slightly as I did as he commanded.  I felt silly showing off oversized Nsync merchandise. 

“Come back here.  Let me show you.”  He waved me back to my seat beside him.

I pranced back to the stool and looked at the grainy footage on his new cell. The charming footage was embarrassing. “You are going to erase that right now.”  I ordered.

He shook his head,  “Nope,  I am keeping it.”

I made a lunge for it however he was quicker and pulled it away from me before sliding in his pants.  No way was I going to try to get it from him now. I slapped his shoulder.  “You don’t play fair.”

He fingered a strand of hair that had come out of my ponytail and smirked very satisfied with himself.  “I know.”

The bartender had finally placed our drinks in front of us and told JC it would be like another 10 minutes for the fries. At that moment Reegan had walked up to us. “Oh JC that is very sweet of you to get Amy a Shirley Temple.” She said a little too loudly as she placed her hand on his shoulder and ran it down his back.

He turned and gave her a cold stare appraising her.  “It’s not a Shirley Temple.”  He said simply pulling away from her.  “It's a cranberry spritzer. I could get you one if that is what you would like honey.”

“No, a beer will be fine.”

“Sorry but Collin over there”  Josh said gesturing to the bearded guy behind the bar with a man bun,  “he and I have become friends and I don’t want him to lose his liquor license for serving you.”  He explained as his thumb did little circles on the back of my neck.

“I’m 18.”  She protested crossing her arms.

Josh turned and took a sip from his drink waiting for a beat to say, “And this isn’t Germany sweetheart.”

“That’s okay we can skip the drinks.  I’d give you anything for free.”  She threw herself at him.

Josh cocked his eyebrow,  “Do you belong to Brian or are you simply under his protection?”

“I am under his protection.”  She said softly.

“I see and I assume you want a dom.”  He said softly.

“Oh I do, so much.” Her voice pleaded with pure desire.

He looked at her for the first time head on.“The thing is honey, as a sub you don’t approach a dom.  You let them come to you.  Your choice is simply to submit or not.”

“Oh I do want to submit.” She assured him in a nasally whiny voice.

“You may want to enlist my buddy Lance’s services then.  He is very good at turning little girls into ladies.  Just don’t fall in love, it won’t turn out like Henry and Eliza did in Pygmalion.” He warned and I could tell by the look in her eyes the reference went right over her head.  

Not to be deterred, Reegan tried to steal his attention one more time by asking, “Can’t you train me?”

Josh stifled a smile before saying, “Oh sweetheart,  I don’t have the patience, I’d probably end up hurting you and no one wants that.”

She bit her lip and said huskily. “I don’t mind being hurt.”

Josh looked her up and down critically before issuing his verdict, “You still have your water wings on honey.  It would be unethical for me to even try.”

“Then why are you with her?”  She pointed irately at me.   “She isn’t even allowed in the pool.” Those words stung.  If Josh wanted to, he could go off and have her. 

Josh’s voice got quieter, but it had a more menacing edge to it.  “Amy’s a friend.  I’m not trolling for pussy tonight.  We were simply enjoying late night appetizers.”

At that she huffed and ran off in tears.  Josh turned to me.  “Sorry about that.  I was trying not to be crass but she pushed me to it.”

“Does that happen often?” I asked curiously nervously, kicking my feet back and forth on the stool.

“Much more than I would like, but hey I am proud of you.”  He praised as his hand rubbed up and down my back.  “It is good that you trusted me to handle it.”

“So bitch slapping her would not be okay?” I asked to further clarify my boundaries when dealing with skanks like her.

“No, because you have what she wanted.”  He pulled me closer to him and kissed my forehead causing me to melt just a little more into him.

 I pulled away facing him, “Do I?  You said that I am just your friend.”

“You are my friend.  I would like to think that one day we would be more than that.  Reegan was right about one thing, you aren’t allowed in the pool, but in two years you will be allowed to make those choices for yourself.  And kitten, you will have a lot of choices.  I am sure I will not be the only one that desires you.  Girls like Reegan, because of their attitude, will find they are severely limited with adequate choices. In life that is sad, but in the club it is fucking dangerous.  Girls like that need love desperately so kill them with kindness and find ways to serve them if you can.  If the arrows sting too much, share it with me and I will take care of it like I did tonight.”  He cupped my cheek with one hand and was leaning into me.

Before Josh was about to close the distance between our lips, we heard a cough that got our attention.  I turned and saw Brian standing there,  “Amy, I thought I told you to go to bed.”

“I wasn’t tired and wanted to eat something first.”  I explained.

“Uh huh, seems to me you found something other than food.”  He turned to JC,  “You are buying her drinks now?”

Josh rolled his eyes,  “It is just cranberry juice and club soda.  Collin over there will vouch for me.”

“Alright man, I believe you.”  Brian turned to me,  “It looks like you are done with your drink.  Go on upstairs.”

At that moment Collin laid down the fries Josh had ordered me.  “Here you guys go.  Careful it is hot. I will give you free refills since it was so late.”

Josh smiled,  “Thank man.”  Then he turned to Brian.  “Our food just arrived.  I will walk her up when we are done.” Josh assured him.

“I don’t like my authority being challenged.”  Brian seethed.

“She’s not Kasey’s age.  I figure if Amy can set an alarm and is where needs to be in the morning she can determine how late she is allowed to stay up.  If we were still out at 1:00 that might be different but we are at our hotel.”  Josh justified his position.

“Yeah but you are a possible suitor.”  Brian challenged Josh.

“We are in public.  Mike is sitting right over there.  Nothing will happen.”  Josh said calmly, standing up to Brian.

“Had I not showed up when I did, you would have kissed her.”  He accused Josh in a way that sounded almost dirty.  

Josh shrugged,  “Maybe, maybe not.  I can’t tell what could have been in a ruined moment, but it wouldn’t have gone any further.  I know my limits.”

Brian nodded and Josh. Relenting he told me.“Alright but no complaints when we do morning PT at six.”  He warned me.  

“I was looking forward to sleeping in because it is a day off.”  I pouted.

‘We’re heading to the lakehouse and I would like to get it in before we go.”  He explained.

I nodded but it did not deter me from staying out with Josh just a bit longer.  But before we were able to eat in peace Reegan came roaring back.

Brian stopped her in her pursuit.  “Problems Reegan?”

“That man insulted me.”  She complained to Brian.

“What did he say, sweetie?” Brian asked, taking her by the hand.

“That I was too young for him and that I was too much of a pig for Lance.” She spewed out like it was the gospel truth.

Josh stared at her trying to hide the amusement on his face.  “I never said that she was too young for me.  I did imply she was too young to drink.”

“You offered me a fucking shirley temple?” She stepped towards him but, Brian held her close preventing any thought of violence.

“No, I offered you the same thing I got Amy, a Cranberry Club. You wanted a beer, and I politely pointed out that I didn’t want Collin to lose his liquor license for serving you.”

Brian shook his head,  “Reegan, you know you are not allowed to drink legal or not while you are in my employment.  He was being polite and trying to include you.”

Josh spoke up, “She then offered to serve me in other ways.  I clarified your relationship with her and then reminded her of club protocol.  I wouldn’t be telling you this, but you know as well as I do how dangerous that type of behavior is.”

“It was then you called me a pig.”  She huffed like Kacey does.

Josh rolled his eyes before further explaining his way out this mess.  “Honey, I did not.  I simply suggested you could benefit from some protocol training from Lance.  I likened him to Henry Wiggins and you to Eliza Dolittle from My Fair Lady.”

“You didn’t say that.  You said pig something.”

Comprehension dawned on Josh’s face.  “Oh that’s right I said Pygmalion, which is The George Bernard Shaw version. Honey, that is the name of the play.”

Brian rolled his eyes,  “So let me see if I got this straight.  You approached a man without my permission or order.  You wanted him to buy you alcohol when he wouldn’t, you offered your body in front of my little sister.  That’s just too much for me to deal with tonight, just go to bed.  I will think of your punishment in the morning.”  He said off-handedly, and then turned to Josh.  “I am sorry for her.  I think I might have Lance work with her some tomorrow if he has time.”

Josh sighed, “That is a good idea.  She approaches the wrong person like that and I shudder to think what might happen.”

“Thanks man.  I will take care of it.”  Brian looked at me for a few seconds. “Make sure Amy gets to bed soon.  Will you?”

“Sure thing.”  Josh replied.

And just like that,  Brian walked out of the bar herding Reegan with him.  

Josh turned back to me,  “How are the fries?”

“They're good.”  I pushed them towards him as I already really had my fill while Josh was talking to Brian.

He took a couple bites before asking,  “So you were trusted with your sister.  That must have felt good.”

I hadn’t really thought about it.  The day had happened so fast.  I was trusted. And it did feel good.  Though it was perplexing that I didn’t know exactly what I did to lose that trust.  I thought about it for a bit, while nibbling on the plate, and sipping my drink.

We sat and ate and talked about random things about the day.  After about an hour I was yawning.  He smiled.  “I am tired too.”  He pulled out a couple bills and laid them down on the bar.  “Let me walk you up.”

I could have been like Kasey and resisted bed time, but I had spied him covering up a couple yawns as well.  I nodded and he took my hand leading me to the elevator.  Mike followed after us making sure our way was clear and once in the metal coffin of rising and falling death he made sure there was no hanky panky between me and Josh.  Once on our floor Josh walked me to my room.  As we were walking up Mike told me that my dosage for the evening was on my nightstand.  I nodded.  Josh hugged me tight for several minutes before Mike spoke up.  “Alright you two busy day tomorrow and I have to have my beauty sleep.”

Josh looked him up and down,  “Nah man it won’t help.”

I giggled.

Mike pouted, “I will remember that the next time you two want to do something fun.”

Josh turned to me,  “So it seems like our time tonight has come to an end.  Sleep well, kitten.”  He left me at the door, and headed to his room.  

I opened my door and walked in, smiling at the daisies that had been delivered earlier that day.  Quickly I scrawled a note for the housekeeper telling her to enjoy it with her family or take it to someone that they thought could use some beauty in their lives, then I crashed on the bed.  It was approaching three and I knew if I took my sedative now even with an alarm there was no way I would be up a six for PT.  So I curled up and chose not to take it.  

 

Decisions about Me

Half an hour later I could tell that Monica was trying to wake me.  I couldn’t respond.  The only thing the demons inside me would let me do in situations like these was scream.  I tried to control that response but it was no use as I thrashed around fending off the spectral beasts of the past.  It was then my senses started to waken some as I was being lifted into warm arms.  His spicy cologne tickled my olfactory nerves and calmed me.  The screaming stopped and I started to whimper as I was carried down the hallway.

Soft voices murmured.  “Puppy, I didn’t mean for you to take her. Just calm her.” Monica’s voice floated somewhere far off in the ether.  

“I will need to be with her all night.  My bed is bigger and more comfortable.  We will be fine.  Let security know and I will turn on the nanny cam for accountability.” He said with a sigh.

“Fine, but I am going with you two.  I want to see what you do.  Maybe there is something that can imitate when she is at school.” Monica relented.

He did not say anything but I heard footsteps behind us.  Josh laid us down holding me and simply sang “Sailing” until I heard nothing.  

The next morning I felt the rays of sun on my face.  The radiator that was Josh’s body was smothering me with warmth.  I heard hushed voices at the door.

“This is fucking unacceptable.” Brian’s voice cracked through the air.

“She had a nightmare.  He calmed her down and made sure she stayed asleep.  Nothing else happened.”  Monica said in a calm, precise voice.

All of a sudden the sheet was ripped off of me.  “Wake the fuck up, fucker!” Brian yelled, pulling Josh out of the bed.  Before Josh had the chance to catch his balance, Brian slugged him right in the face and then hard in the gut.

“Brian stop!”  I scream hysterically at this point.

Brian backed off, “He broke his promise to me.  He said he was just walking you to your room.  And now I find you here in his room, and you have the audacity to defend him.”

“It was my fault.  I didn’t take my pill and the nightmares came.  Josh can’t stand when I hurt like that.  He was just trying to help me.”  I rationalized despite the looks of the situation.

“Yeah while he helped himself.” Brian huffed and paced, trying to control his seemingly righteous anger.

Monica shoved the vhs tape into his hand.  “The tape will show absolutely nothing happened.  I was here all night and witnessed nothing other than the two sleeping.”  She claimed, but I could tell my brother wasn’t buying it.

Instead Brian took another tactic, one which I didn’t have a defense for. “You can’t tell me in your professional opinion this is healthy for her.”  Brian questioned looking Monica squarely in the eye.

She sighed “You are right, Amy forming such an attachment to fight her night terrors is a crutch that will not allow her to live independently.  I came in the room not because I didn’t trust Josh but because by observing what Josh did I could develop a sleep routine that would work better for her longer term. But first Amy, tell us why you didn’t take your pill.” Monica turned the conversation back to me finally.  As everyone made decisions for me, I hardly ever got to voice my own opinion.  I was thankful Monica was including me.

“Had I taken it, I wouldn’t be able to meet Brian for morning PT.” I looked at the clock and blanched.  “It is past time.”

As things were calming down the guys had all come into the room to see what the commotion was about.  “Don’t worry little one.  I will just tell Mike to work you out harder tomorrow.” Chris quipped not really taking things seriously since Brian was now the one in charge.

I rolled my eyes and scowled,  “That won’t be necessary.”

Justin spoke up.  “I am planning a lot of fun things for us to do at the lake house.  You hang with me and we will burn more calories than what you would have on your 2 mile run.”

To that Brian just rolled his eyes.  “It is the structure that is important.”

Monica defended me by stating, “Brian, it is the 4th.  It is a holiday.  On holidays it is okay that there is some deviation from normalcy.  Justin did make a good point.  Amy will have plenty of exercise while participating in today’s activities.  The brain likes novelty as much as it craves structure, and it should be fine.  The purpose of the exercise is to keep her mind and body healthy.  She is not preparing to go to boot camp.”

He smirked,  “Rush is that in a way. It takes a lot of energy and her body needs to be perfect.  She can’t slack until I have her properly married.  Then it is for her husband to decide.”

She turned away, masking her face and counted to ten in her head.  “You know comments like those deserve Electra’s cattle prod.”

“I don’t know what Robbie was thinking, letting his women get all high and mighty.  It wouldn’t stand in my house.”  Brian goaded her.

She ignored my brother's mouthy misogynistic rant, and changed the conversation towards something more productive.  “The stronger Amy is as a whole person, the more valuable and attractive she will be for her mate.  Her looks are just one facet to the equation.  It is one that luckily comes very naturally.  This inquisition is not helping her.”

“Her being in the arms of a man that I have not approved of is not helping her.” Brian stated flatly pointing at Josh.

Josh finally spoke up humbly,  “I apologize for anything that might have appeared to you as unseemly.  I didn't mean any disrespect.  I just wanted to help her.  Holding her like that has helped before.  I wasn’t thinking of the optics.”

“You're right about that.  I don’t like the optics.  If anyone in the club finds out about this there will be no options.  I should have her stay with Shannon after I leave.” Brian announced.

“That’s against the court order.  You or I would have to stay with her and that is not happening for either one of us.”  Chris reminded him.

“She’s getting too close to you guys.” Brian paced, protesting.

“The mom’s are all going to be out for the July leg of the tour after the holiday.  She could ride on the friends and family bus.  That puts some distance, and gives some built in chaperones.  By the time the moms leave in August her semester will begin and she will be in the dorms.”  Chris offered.

“And she is still grounded.” Brian stated.  “I don’t want her going out.”

Monica spoke up.  “It did a lot for her mental health to have that job Chris gave her.”

Brian nodded,  “That is fine.  She needs to work some to earn her keep around here. Bus, work and hotel.”

Monica continued her negotiations.  “Workouts are outside at Mike’s discretion.”

“Of course whatever Mike thinks is safe and reasonable.  The decision is his not hers though.  I don’t want her getting it twisted as a reward.”  He agreed.

I finally spoke up,  “What about the shows?”

Brian didn’t give it a second thought, “No.’

Monica spoke up again,  “Let’s think about this more fairly.  I think the shows could be used as a substantial reward for Amy.  I think the criteria we should place on her attendance of the show and any after parties should be based on her adherence to her treatment plan.  

Brian thought about it for a moment.  I couldn’t stop snapping my rubber bands. I was so anxious about the verdict.  Josh noticed and grabbed my hand applying pressure.  He whispered, “Breathe” into my ears.  I did not realize I was holding my breath.

Brian turned to Monica.  “Exactly what is the treatment plan?”

“Medication as prescribed for now.  Half and hour daily phone sessions with me as I will be leaving tomorrow. Robbie has been blowing up my phone with new intakes and I can’t stay.”

“New intakes?”  Brian raised his eyebrow in curiosity.

She sighed,  “His team found an infestation.  The FBI handled the perps but there are about 20 victims, most underaged.  I have to go get statements and start treatment plans.”

“Fuck, well at least it is working. I hope to get more intelligence for you all on this deployment.  That is why I want her marriage ready the day she turns 18.  When the shit hits the fan it is going to splatter over everything.  I need her protected.  I can’t think of the safety of my family while I am doing my job.  There is too much at stake.” As Brian ranted on I felt my world being closed up.

“I understand.  Let’s get back to the topic at hand.  So medicine, daily therapy, nutrition, exercise, sleep, reading, journal and her replacement behavior.”  She turned to Josh.  “Her anxiety has dropped, puppy. Release her hand.”  Josh did immediately and I tried to rub them to regain the warmth.  “She needs some more work on mind body.  I think yoga can help.  Is Lexi still traveling with you guys?”

Joey brightened with a mischievous and lustful look in his eye,  “Yeah, she is interning with Lulyn on this tour.”

“Do you guys think the mistress of knots can spare her for a couple hours a day to work with Amy?”  Monica asked.

Lance spoke up,  “Are you thinking of having her teach Amy positions?”

“No, don’t get your cock going thinking about that Lancey poo.  I am more interested in the meditation aspect of it for now.  Stretching will do her good and provide a good foundation, but the point of this is to teach her mindfulness and calm her anxiety.  I will not have you guys kinking up my therapy techniques.”  She ordered, her exasperation with the guys starting to show again. 

Josh spoke up,  “I don’t know if she will be a safe person for Amy.  She is my demo model at the club.”

“Lulyn and I will talk to Lexi about teaching Amy.  It is not the worst thing in the world having subs do the heavy lifting.  I think any emotional kinks should have no quarter.  I will make a checklist for Amy which will be signed off on by Chris, Mike and Lexi daily.  Chris will know that I spoke with Amy through a word I text him daily and she will have a daily reflection question for her journal.  I want Amy to share the question, but the response can be private.  She will just have to show evidence that she considered it.  If the checklist is completed she will go to the concert.”  Monica explained her plan simply.

Brian raised his eyebrow,  “You are rewarding her for doing the bare minimum in my opinion.”

“She is being rewarded for things that will make her independent at college.”  Monica defended her behavioral management system.  It was a lot that she was asking, and I was not sure if I was up to it.  Brian thought it was too little, I thought it was too much, and what hurt was none of the guys were speaking up saying I didn’t need any of it, even Josh.”

“Where’s respect, service and obedience?”  Brian demanded, as I winced with each adjective that he barked out with military precision.

Monica shook her head in frustration.“She is not in training to be a sub at this point.  She may not be fit for the lifestyle Brian.”  I didn’t know what to make of that but all the men's faces in the room turned white as if there was really something to fear.  I respected people for the most part if they had earned it. Service meant to help, I wouldn’t mind being of use around here.  It seemed as if I was their burden in many different ways.  If I could do things to make their lives easier I would,  all they would have to do is ask, because I really didn’t know of ways that I could help them.  I couldn't leave the fish bowl they were trapped in. Obedience was the sticking point.  Sometimes the rules on tour were burdensome, stupid and unfair.  At least that was what my teenage brain thought.  Now I realize most of them really just protected me.  As I pondered that Brian was about to explode.  I snapped my wrist as I watched him pace the room before speaking up again.

“With the club we aren’t going to have a fucking choice.  This isn't a game, Monica.  The only way she is ever going to be safe is that she is perfectly submissive to an old guard master of standing.”  Brian said the quiet part out loud.  He really was going to try to marry me off as soon as possible.  He was tired of dealing with all my crap and just wanted me gone and married to some crusty man.

“So she liberated herself for no fucking reason.  You are just sending her back to a system that is going to subjugate her.”  Monica accused, her eyes piercing him with an ice glare.

At that point Josh spoke up, “I know that my opinion doesn’t matter right now.  But if things work out the way I want them to, mine and Amy’s will be the only ones that do.  I don’t want her personality trained out of her. The truth is I like brats; they challenge me.  I want her to consent and submit to me because she loves and trusts me, and desires to serve me and sees how in serving me she can help others too.   I want it to be authentic because I am a safe person for her.  I do not want it to be forced at all to meet the demands of the club or others.  In order for that to have a chance in hell of occurring she first needs to be a free and autonomous person, able to follow her dreams and make her own choices.”

“Fine, we will try it your way.”  Brian conceded.  “Though if not successful with the checklist she goes back to the friends and family bus or her hotel room.”

Monica smiled,  “That is reasonable.  If you excuse me, I am going to head downstairs.”  She raked her talons down Lance’s back prodding him on.  “Come along boys.”

Brian spoke up,  “JC, I would like to talk to you for a few minutes if you don’t mind.   Amy, go grab my briefcase in my room.  There are some documents that JC and I need to go over.”

I nodded and hurried  up to the next floor and knocked.   Shannon answered.  “Oh Amy, I am glad you are here. Can you hold the baby for just a minute?”  She handed Elise off as if she was football, and I held her awkwardly in my arms as Shannon went to the back of the suite.  She barked some orders at Reegan and Kacey took care of some personal business and came back to the front room with me.  

“Is Brian coming back soon?”  Shannon asked. 

I shook my head.  “No, that is why I'm here.  Brian asked me to get his briefcase.  He is talking with JC.”

She frowned and took back the baby.  “It is on the table.”  She paused thinking about what to tell me.  “Amy, you don’t have to agree to anything.”  She said her eyes pleading, but then said nothing more.

I walked over to the table and picked it up.  Then I walked back to JC’s room.  Brian let me in when I knocked.

Brian smiled at me.  “Place it on the table and take a seat Amy.”

I did as directed sitting uncomfortably in a hard chair.

“So Josh and I came to an understanding.  Know that I am not agreeing to anything but getting to know him better, and allowing you to do the same.  There are no promises or guarantees here.  I will be open minded in this process.”  Brian opened up the briefcase and pulled out a packet.  He then narrated the contents to me.  “In that package Josh will find basic information on you.  It includes general psychological, financial and legal matters.  It also explains dad’s will and the process going forward if  Josh is to date you.  Dad wrote an application for any suitors that came.  The first step is for him to fill it out.  Would you like me to give this to Josh to complete if he desires?” Brian earnestly asked me.

I honestly didn’t think I would have much say in this.  I certainly didn’t think something like this would come so fast.  I definitely didn’t think daddy spent any time thinking about this, and it came as a shock to find out he did.  I was also a little uncomfortable that Josh was going to be able to comb through all my personal information.  It wasn’t like I didn’t share everything with Josh in my letters.  I didn’t think he would find anything in there he didn’t already know.  It was just weird having it all written out like that so formally.  It was like I was a stock trade instead of a person.  Knowing all this made me really skeptical about Brian’s intentions.

“What am I committing to?”  I wanted to clarify what would be expected of me in this process.  If I couldn’t live up to those expectations all of this would be pointless.

“If I like what he writes on his application, I will give him permission to ask you on a date.  If you find that there is enough chemistry, and that you have enough in common to pursue something past casual dates then he will petition me further.”  Brian explained to me.

“Am I allowed to say no?”  I asked.  I didn’t want this forced on me, but at the same time this was the only thing I wanted.  I needed to know that I had some type of choice in all of this.

“At any point you don’t feel comfortable and for any reason you can say no.  The earlier you say it in the process the better.”  He patted me on the shoulder trying to reassure me that this was a safe decision.

“Are you going to give these applications to just anybody?”  I asked, wanting to know if Josh was the only one in the running at this point.

“Only who you direct me to. I have two sets of forms.  One is what I am giving Josh.  I will know him better than you do by the time he is done with that thing.  I also have a one pager if you need a date to a dance or something like that.  That basically asks about contacts, numbers and references so a background check can be conducted to determine if the guy is safe.  It also has a couple pledges he makes about getting you home on time safely and undefiled.  Failure to live up to his promises could lead to his untimely castration or death.”  He warned menacingly.

My curiosity peaked, “Will I get to read the applications?” I wanted to know exactly how much information I would be given about my possible suitors.

“No.” Brian said simply.

“Why not?” I questioned in that confrontational voice of mine.

He took a deep breath, trying his damndest not to snap at me.  Finally he explained. “You should be asking most of the questions on your own.  What I need to know and what you need to know are two entirely different things.  For instance, you don’t need to know your date’s financial portfolio until much later in the courting process.  However if I allow a guy to ask you out for more than just a one off date you better believe that thing is solid.  What you need to know is how he treats you and how he treats others around him.”

“You may give Josh the application.” I finally decreed confidently.  I did not know then the wild ride I put into motion.

Josh opened the packet and looked at the sheer volume of pages.  He scanned through the questions.  “Wow this was more intense than I thought.  Would you mind if I have my lawyer look over these forms?”

“I would be disappointed if you didn’t.” Brian said, giving his permission.

“I would like him to draft a non disclosure agreement about these documents as well.” Josh insisted.

Brian nodded as if this was all customary, “That is understandable with your celebrity.”

“I know that you said you wouldn’t let Amy outright read the applications, do I have the right to share things as I feel our relationship has progressed to the stage of her needing to know?”  Josh asked, trying to see what his rights were.

“By the time she agrees to wear your ring and collar she should know everything, if not before then.  It would be up to you to lead the relationship within the boundaries I have laid out.” Brian said as if it shouldn’t have been a concern.

“When do you want the paperwork back?” Josh asked, a little fearful that he couldn’t get it all done by Brian’s deadline.

“You have until her 18th birthday.” Brian announced and Josh visibly relaxed.  Brian went on to explain,  “I will not give my consent before then.  Though it would be useful to get all these preliminary legalities out of way.  This is my sister.  I take this seriously and each question I will consider.  I will call and ask clarifying questions and have you revise things as necessary.  Consider this round one.”  

Brian had taken to pacing again measuring the strength of Josh’s character with his eyes.

“Your dad really didn’t want to marry off his daughter did he?” Josh joked to lighten the mood.

“Probably not, at least not to someone that didn’t take the lifestyle seriously.  I figure this is a huge barrier.  If you are not willing to do this, we don’t need to waste anyone’s time.”  Brian threatened.

Resuming a serious demeanor Josh said, “I didn’t say that.  Do you want it all at once or can I submit it in chunks?”

“That is up to you.  Though the more I approve of you, the more access I will be willing to give you to Amy.  Also know that any time she tires of your ass this process is over no questions asked.  If she says no, that is final.”  Brian again warned.  It was comforting to me that I had a way out if I didn’t see this working. 

“Will Amy be allowed to see others while I wait for your response?”  Josh asked curiously.

“I want Amy to date while she is away at school.  However she is to remain pure until she marries.  I expect all her dates to be in groups or chaperoned until such a time engagement.” Brian said outlining my expectation for the next two years.  He wanted me to date other people and have a life. At the same time that life would be controlled and there were lines I couldn’t cross, even the suspicion of crossing those lines could ruin everything.  

As I was pondering what Brian’s pronouncement meant in my life, Josh asked a surprising question, “What type of fidelity is expected of me?”

“You are the man in the relationship.  It is not expected at all.  If you want your relationship with Amy to be polyamorous we will have that discussion as to how the dynamics would work and  your other sub would have to submit to questioning and a background check as well.”  Brian explained to Josh as if he was still a boy.

I blanched.  I couldn’t imagine sharing Josh with anyone.  It was hard enough to share him with all the fans and his music.  Bravely, I spoke up.  “If that is the case, then I don’t want it at all.” 

“Amy, you don’t have the right to demand that.  You are the sub.”  Brian reprimanded me harshly.

Josh shook his head,  “No she has every right.  Polyamory is on every limit list I have ever seen.  She  can declare the things she doesn’t want in a relationship.  I have the right to consent to the limit or if I don’t agree, choose not to pursue.  I feel her request is a fair one.  I will not have a sexual relationship with anyone while I am pursuing Amy.  Just like she will need to have dates for events, I will as well. Trust will have to win the day that nothing happened beyond what was seen in public.  Kitten, does that meet your approval.”

“I don’t want to date anyone else.”  I pouted.

He smiled softly at me,  “I want you to.  There will be many events you will need or want to go to.  I don’t want you sitting in your dorm room alone simply because you can’t be with me.”

“Fine but I won’t like it.” I said not wanting to give in.

He decided to laugh my rebellion off, giving me the last word on the matter for now, while we were in front of my brother.

“So JC, in making Amy a bespoke sub. what would you think needs to go into her training?”  Brian asked curiously.

“Honestly I would like it to be authentic to who I am.  No one would be able to train my specific wants and needs.  Since there are no guarantees here it would have to be very general as I said earlier I want her to be her own independent autonomous person.  I want her to follow her dreams, and develop her talents, maybe even pick up some marketable skills.  One area I think she needs to grow in is interpersonal communication.  I find it sexy when a woman knows what she wants and can tell me in blunt terms.”  Josh detailed what he thought the next two years of my life should look like.  Everything he suggested seemed reasonable but I knew it was not the concrete answer my brother wanted.

“So not respect or obedience?” Brian further questioned.

“While I expect basic respect as a human being, her submission to my control has to be earned.  It can’t be trained into her.  It will come out of her feelings of love, trust and security.”Josh said sagely and confidently.  

“I think I know your answer to this one, but it is protocol that I ask.  Is there anything specific sexually you want her to be able to do from day one?”  He asked, testing Josh.

“No, that will be private between the two of us when the time comes.  I want a complete blank slate when it comes to that.  I don’t want to train away bad habits.”

Brian smiled,  “Good answer.  I think it was one of dad’s elimination questions.  You passed that test at least.”

 “Well thank you. If you both would excuse me though this line of questioning is going to lead to me embarrassing myself.  I would like to take a shower before we head to the lake.”  Josh said, walking us to the door.

Brian smiled,  “As you wish JC.  Amy, come along.  Let’s give this man some privacy.”

 

I nodded and followed Brian out of the room not believing that he was thinking about taking steps in making my dreams come true.  

The 4th of July

Since Brian was going to be shipping out after that weekend, I was going to ride with him, Shannon and the kids on the trip down to the lake house.  Since we were in the company of little ears the conversation in Josh’s room was not talked about.  Brian spent most of the time laying down the law with the kids about how to act at the house with our guests and that they were not to touch fireworks without adult supervision, nor were they allowed to go in the water without an adult.  He looked at me and simply said, “Don’t do anything stupid.  They will follow your lead.”

As we got there mom *NSYNC had already arrived and had taken over the kitchen.  I wanted to be helpful and went over to offer my services.  I was swiftly put to work peeling carrots and potatoes.  It was fun hearing the ladies talk with one another.  About an hour into the preparations, Justin came storming into the kitchen.  He was soaking wet, carrying a rugrat  in his arms.  “I’m thirsty and so are the kids.”  He announced.

“There are water bottles in the second refrigerator.  I think there are some bomb pops too.  Put names on them and refill them with the hose.  I don’t want ya’ll tramping through here all day long.”  Lynn hollered at him.

“Yes, maam”  He smiled and walked over to the fridge.

“Amy, dear, will you help him?  He needs supervision.” Lynn asked me.

“Of course, Mama Lynn.”  I placed down my peeler.  Then I unearthed the marker and box of bomb pops while Justin grabbed the cases of water.  Painstakingly I wrote the names on the bottles and poured them into sippy cups of the younger kids.  

“You know you are stuck out in the heat now.”  Justin said, pushing the little one to go after his siblings.  

I shrugged.  “I figured that would happen.”

“So what happened after I left?”  He asked curiously.

“What do you mean?”  I feigned ignorance.  I wasn’t going to talk about it unless directly asked, and he was playing games.

“Did Brian change his mind about JC?”  He probed deeper trying to get me to spill the tea.

“No, but he is willing to get to know him better.  I thought you two talked about this shit.”  I said trying to deflect and direct Justin’s questions to the rightful person.

He waved me off, “Nah, he is being all emo about it.  I thought things went bad.  Renee is going to be pissed when she sees his eye tomorrow.”

“Fuck I should have made him an ice pack or something.”  I said, realizing my mistake.  No one administered the proper first aid.

“Relax, he is a big boy and he can take care of himself.  So this was what I was thinking.  We start with kickball, then we play a round of freeze tag, followed by a game of ultimate.  Then it should be lunch time.  After lunch the big kids will go skiing then after nap time we will have a water balloon fight.”  Justin gleefully mapped out his plan for the most fun.

“You have missed your calling Justin.  You could have been a camp counselor.”  I joked astonished at the sheer amount of planning that went into this day.  Just thinking of all the activity was making me tired and this was his day off.

“Not too much is it?”  He asked genuinely concerned.

“No, it will keep everyone busy, and out of trouble.” I reassured him.

I spent the day setting up games and helping coach and comfort one child or another.  Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Josh.  He was helping out as well.  It looked like he was having a good time.  Seeing him interact with kids and the moms comforted me.  

Joey and Chris had raided the playroom from the tour, bringing all the water guns and silly string with them.  Lance had filled a baby pool with water and was sitting in it.  One of the little girls had found him and jumped in and was wading about. Justin quickly discovered that Kasey was agreeable to every suggestion that he made.  He used her compliance to have her do the dirty work of wrangling the kids.

Lunch was a lush barbeque.  The *NSYNC dads had taken over as grill masters competing shamelessly for the world’s best award.  All the siblings were playing on the fields of sport Justin created.  Due to all the littles running about, activities changed quickly.

Catching my breath I took my plate and sat down in the shade to watch everyone from a far.  Soon Heather had found my momentary hiding place.  “It’s overwhelming isn’t it?”

I nodded,  “There is just too much going on.” 

“My brother hasn’t taken his eyes off of you.  What’s up with that?”  She asked, ready to sip the tea that was her brother’s life.

“I hadn’t noticed.”  I blushed.

“Are you two dating?”  She dug further.

“Not yet.  Brian has to approve of him, before Josh is allowed to ask.  That won’t happen until I am 18.” I admitted.

She looked surprised for a few seconds before shrugging it off.  “I guess that makes sense.”

Josh came up to us.  “What are you two girls gossiping about?”

“You.” Heather said, sticking out her tongue.

“All good I hope.” He grinned and winked at me.

“I was telling her about that time in middle school.”  Heather taunted.

“You were not.” He retorted sitting beside me.

“Really I would like to hear.”  I joked, but I really did want to know what his sister thought of him when he was younger.

“Maybe later.  Eat your meal kitten.” Josh commanded, waving towards my nibbled on plate.

I rolled my eyes as I stuffed a roll in my mouth.  He followed suit practically inhaling his food as usual.

“This stuff is pretty good Josh. You don’t have to cover the taste in haste.” I chided his table manners.

“I guess you are right.  The longer I linger over the meal the longer I get to stay with you.”  He winked at me.

Heather groaned,  “If you two are doing that, I’m leaving.”

Josh shook his head,  “No, sis. You have to stay.  We need at least one chaperone.”  He wisely explained.

Heather rolled her eyes.  “Fine if you get all kissy faced,  I am leaving and telling mom.”  She warned in a sing-song voice sticking her tongue out at Josh.

We all chatted pleasantly as we ate in the shade, resting up for the evening’s later activities.  I heard from down the hill Shannon calling to the littles.

“Well I should probably head to the house to help Shannon get the kids down for their naps.”  I said.

Josh pressed down on my knee keeping me still,  “You don’t have to do anything.  My mom is in 7th Heaven holding that baby.  I know the others are enjoying the littles as well.  This is a holiday for you too.  You get to be a kid and have fun.”

“I just feel responsible.”  I said picking at the grass.

“When they passed Kacey to you at the concert that was one thing. You two got to spend some time together and catch up doing something you both loved.  But it isn’t your responsibility.  It stopped being your responsibility the moment you pulled into Shannon’s driveway three years ago.”  Josh explained to me.

“It's a habit.” I shrugged, defending myself.

“One you're going to break right now.” He gently ordered.

Heather spoke up,  “I think this conversation is too personal.  I’ll just go over there and listen to my ipod to give you some privacy.”

Josh nodded,  “Thank you.”  Then he turned to me.  “I’m kind of jealous of Justin.”

“Why is that?”  I questioned.  Josh was never transparent with his feelings unless it had something to do with his favorite organ.  

“You are able to play with him with no thought or push back.  It’s a shame that we can’t have that same type of relationship, and I don’t understand why not?  Play is creative and fun.  I want to just have fun with you, Amy.  I don’t want to analyze it or wonder what the next step should be.  I just want us to find joy in the moment.  You need to be free to express yourself.” He told me, his hand grazing my cheek, as his eyes smoldered with sincerity.  At that moment I felt as if he would kiss me.

However, speaking of the devil, Justin came bounding up the hill.  “There you two are.  Lance is powering up the boat now.  Come on, we are going skiing.”  He announced with a gleeful anticipation.

“I don’t know. Watersports aren’t my thing.” I tried to protest.  Though it was futile.  Once Justin had something in his mind, it was going to happen.

Josh saw my anxiety as I dug in my heels.  “I would like you to try, kitten.  We will make sure you have a life jacket and I’ll even be ready to jump in after you if you would like.”  He said trying to comfort me yet encourage me at the same time.

I couldn’t get the scene of him yelling at me after surfing out of my head.  However he said he wanted me to try.  It could go differently this time.  This time he knew I was a novice and would be looking out after me.  As we headed down to the lake Josh grabbed a life jacket fitting it tight to me.  

Lance helped me into the boat and the guys all hopped in taking turns holding the tow rope in the water.  I stared out at the surface, watching it shimmer under the afternoon sun.  The guys made it all so easy, but I was still uncertain.  Josh could sense it.  He smiled gently at me,  “You know it is okay to be nervous, Amy.  But trust me.  I got you.  I have Lance take the boat nice and slow for you.”

I nodded, his pep talk gave me a bit of reassurance as we tried something new.  Josh jumped in the lake and grabbed the tow rope, then he beckoned me into the wander.  I took a deep breath and jumped overboard.  When I surfaced I allowed my life jacket to keep me up as I dog paddled over to Josh.  He pulled me into him when I got close enough and placed my hands on the tow rope.  “Lean back into the water Amy, you are going to feel the rope tighten. Do not let go.  As the boat moves it should bring you up on your ski.”  He let go of me jumping back into the boat.  Once he thought I was comfortable he signaled Lance to go slowly.  

I wasn’t quite prepared the first time.  When the engine hummed to life, I gripped the tow rope for dear life.  The initial jolt shocked me.  I stumbled into the frigid water.  I surfaced sputtering and coughing, frustration evident on my face.  Josh had Lance cut the engine before calling out to me.  

“Are you okay?” Josh asked as he had rushed to the edge and was ready to come and get me if needed.

“I’m fine.”  I snapped, not really upset at him.  I was more disgusted with myself that I couldn’t get it right the first time.  “Let’s just get this over with.”

“Amy,  I promise if you get up today it will be a very exhilarating experience.  I want you to visualize what it will look and feel like when you get it right.” Josh said in a calming voice.

As the vision formed a smile danced across my lips.  I nodded and firmly said “Okay.”

“Alright Amy, try again.  You can do this.” Lance encouraged from the boat.

I grabbed the tow rope and was able to get a little higher before I came tumbling in the water.  Each time Josh gave me the proper space to get my head right before trying again.  Each time he would remind me.  “Bend your knees.  Lean back.  Wait for the boat to do the work.”

On the fourth try something clicked.  This time I let go.  I did not resist the pull and trusted the rope.  As I leaned into it, I felt my body rise from the water. I was now upright on top of the water.   I was wobbly, but still I was doing.  I let out a joyful yell, and the guy's laughter echoed across the lake.  

Getting back into the boat I was glowing from the experience.  I had conquered my fear.  Josh was smiling proudly at me. Soon Lance parked the boat at the dock.  As we parked we were immediately hit by little splashes of water.  We had been ambushed.  A maelstrom of balloons hit us from giggling tiny hands. The dads had helped fill up the water balloons in our absence and were giggling at us from their safe dry place by the fire pit.  As I was walking up I noticed that Brian was talking with Roy.  It made me feel that maybe there was so much hope for a future with me and Josh.  

Josh pulled me from my reverie. “I guess we should retaliate.  I am sure the little ones have plenty more balloons stoked up.”

I laughed and shook my head.  “Little water bombers.  They had better watch out.”  

We grabbed the balloon and went chasing off after them.  It had devolved into an outright water fight.  If you even thought about trying to take cover you would be soaked.  Soon it was every man for himself.

Once I helped get the kids all dried off,  I cleaned myself up and dressed for dinner.  It was good to get out of all the wet clothes. I slipped into some jeans which were thankfully warm and a t- shirt.  The tantalizing smell summoned everyone.  Seeing one of littles going for the food with their grubby hands, I intervened and filled a plate for her.  One child became two and it seemed I was helping them all by the time everybody was seated. I was happy to help because looking after the kids showed Brian and others that I was responsible.  That would give me more freedom. At least it was the thought at the time.

 I looked over the remains and made a small plate for myself and then found a lawn chair to sit in. As I sat down, Josh slid into the seat next to me.

“Hungry?”  I asked, offering him my plate.

He shook his head,  “Nah, I already had 2 plates while you were playing nursemaid.  You need all of what you have, Kitten”  He stated simply.

I rolled my eyes at the comment. "I will, I promise. Just don't rush me." I said hoping to placate him.  However, the only thing that was going to take those piercing critical eyes off  me was my compliance.

He smirked at my comment, gesturing a second time towards my plate. "I wouldn't dream of it."

I laughed at him, "You're so full of it. I can tell by the way you smirk, you're just dying to boss me around, aren't you?"

"And you are just dying to submit, aren't you?" he quipped.

I blushed and looked away, not wanting to admit that it didn’t sound too bad being bossed around by him. "I won't deny that you're correct."

"In that case, hand me your plate." He demanded reaching out for it.

I turned away from him trying to keep it out of his reach.  He simply stood there waiting with expectation that I would follow his lead. Slowly I handed him my plate with a slight blush on my face.

Once in his hands, I watched him strut away to the food table.  He loaded the thing almost to the breaking point with the tender meats and savory sides.  He even placed a chocolate chip cookie on top.  In his other hand, he had a can of Sprite for me.

As he returned I smiled up at the feast that laid before me.  It was impressive but honestly a little overwhelming how he was taking care of me.

"Thanks, I really appreciate this."  I said a bit sheepishly.

"My pleasure. Only the best for my kitten." He said removing some hair from my face.

I blushed deeply, his little expressions of affection making me feel something I couldn’t explain.   "You're really going to keep doing all of this for me, aren't you?" I said looking away in embarrassment because of the riches of affection I had received.  

He looked deeply in my eyes.  His face did not have the tell tale smirk that he was about to be a jerk, so I almost thought that he might be sincere.  "Why would I stop? You are my queen."

I laughed the comment off. He was playing with me."I'm your queen, am I? Why would I be your queen, of all people? You've got so much more going for you than I do."

His eyes flashed with something that I could explain at that time.  I know full well now what that meant, then I was innocent.  His voice turned a bit cooler. "Tonight when you go to bed I want your journal about all the reasons you think that. Then I want you to reflect on how they are all lies limiting yourself." He said quietly letting the order set in.  He glanced over my plate frowning. A third time he gestured to my plate before issuing his final order on the matter.  "But you are stalling by flirting with me. Eat your food, Kitten." 

I laughed at his sudden sternness to shake off the uncomfortable vibe I was feeling. Taking a deep breath I lightly strummed my rubber band to ground myself.  After a couple beats I had stuffed my anxiousness and breathed out the only acceptable answer. "Yes sir." I smirked and turned my attention to my plate.

He nipped my earlobe. "Its master."  

I let out a small squeak and blushed trying to suppress laughter and keep a straight face in the face of his arrogance .

"Yes, master." I said, my voice oozing with sarcasm.

He kissed the top of my head. "Good girl."

Keeping my emotions under control was impossible at this point.  I was too anxious and overwhelmed. It took several beats to volley back to him.

"I've been such a good girl, haven't I?" I asked playfully.

He laughed, shaking his head, "Whatever it is, the answer is no. Eat your food kitten.” He reminded me with an irritated sigh.

I laughed at his frustration and  rolled my eyes, digging into the fabulous feast he had retrieved for him.  “I will.  I will.”

I had to admit his taste was good, when choosing for me. I also liked the banter between us.  It was simultaneously keeping me in check and keeping me in the moment.  However this was dangerous.  I had a feeling either of us could lose control at any moment, family, friends and littles be damned.  I didn’t know where that would leave me if I gave in to him too soon.  Sometimes he was serious.  Other times it was all fun and games.  It gave me whiplash the yo-yo of emotions I was on. I still believed that if I let my guard down for one second he would take advantage of me. 

He watched like a sentry over me, making sure no one would interrupt the meal I was savoring.  At the same time he was insuring my absolute obedience to his direction.  I cleaned my plate making sure I finished all that he offered me.  When finished I smiled up at him.  “Now that I am done eating can we sit and talk more?”  I asked hopefully.

Josh looked up and scanned the crowd.  He noticed Brian appraising our situation.  Josh shrugged,  “I should probably go see what the guys are doing.  We can’t have Chris and Joey blowing their heads off.”  He told me wistfully.  I think there was a part of him that didn’t want to be responsible.

I looked over to see what had Josh running scared from me.  I saw Brian’s watchful eyes on us.  It was obvious he did not approve.  It was probably for the best.  “Good luck with them.  I’m sure they’ll manage to get themselves in some trouble soon.”  I  called after him.  I replied with a playful tone.  He strutted off and tried to be the voice of reason when Chris and Joey were playing bigger and better with the fireworks.

I couldn’t stop laughing at Josh trying to act as the voice of reason.  He was gesticulating wildly and trying to get a cherry bomb out of Chris's hands.  I lifted a small prayer that no one blew their head off.  The boys were starting to play bigger and better.  It seemed Josh’s attempt to be the sane one failed miserably.  As things started getting more outrageous I began to worry about the safety of the little ones running around.  I focused on making sure they stayed out of trouble.  

 The last thing I wanted was for the kids to get caught up in the craziness that was slowly unfolding before their eyes.

Thankfully the fireworks they had bought were gone within an hour. The group contented themselves to watch the professional display from across the lake.  I was very relieved that the fireworks had been exhausted. The boys were taking things a bit too far, and it was just better for them to sit back and enjoy the professional display than to get themselves hurt because of their immaturity.

As things wound down Josh found his seat beside me again.  I took a deep breath wondering what to say.  I felt his presence before I saw him, as I turned and looked towards him my heart sped up.  I didn’t know if I could take much more of his flirtiness tonight.  It was doing all kinds of weird things to me.  But then again, there was something about it I wanted to be free to explore if just for one night.  Nerves wracked me as I hoped no one noticed what was going on.

I blushed as I felt his hand on my knee. I had been trying to keep my thoughts under control, but his touch was making it difficult. I had to find a way to shift his attention elsewhere.  I looked up at him and asked playfully,  "Did you come back just for me? I thought you were supposed to be supervising the boys?"

Josh shook his head, "No, they are done. I am done playing daddy tonight."

I laughed at his snarky chagrin over the whole situation and was glad that he could relax now that his friends were as safe as possible considering it was Chris and Joey.  

"Oh, that's good. I bet you had a hard time trying to keep those two in line tonight."  I commented trying to make light conversation.

He smiled tightly, "Nothing I haven't dealt with before."

I nodded in complete understanding,  curiously I asked.  "So how did you manage to get them to stop with the fireworks and leave it to the professionals? You can't have just given them a stern talking to and made it stop there."

He laughed, "That last boom, you heard, was the mother load. I have their keys, they aren't going back into town to get more. They are too drunk to drive anyway." He explained.

I snickered at the comment.  Josh always was thinking two or three steps ahead of his friends.  That was why most things went his way in life.  It was why the guys respected him and listened so closely to his advice, often following it.  

"The mother load? I'm impressed that you were able to get them to waste all of their fireworks tonight. They have a habit of taking things a bit too far sometimes, although that's part of the fun watching them.”  I said trying to needle more details of the story out of him to avoid talking about what his hand on my knee meant.

"I'm the 2nd oldest of the group, Chris I swear acts like he is younger than Justin most of the time so sometimes it falls to me to be the responsible one. But sometimes you can't be on duty all the time, especially when I have other things on my mind."

His arm moved around the back of my chair.  As he did so I shifted to be comfortable in the new position.  We were so close as the fireworks bursted high in the night sky.  I just hoped no one noticed how close we really were and interfered.  He sensed my comfort level and tried to bring even more closeness to us.  He tapped on the side of my neck to invite me to lay my head on his shoulder.  I didn’t resist his unspoken request, especially because he was inviting me to the position without forcing me.  It truly felt as if I had permission to choose whether or not to submit to his desires or not.  At that moment I decided to say yes.  I shifted my body laying my head on his shoulder.  The moment I did, I felt the heat radiate from the warmth of his body.  I sniffed the spiciness of his cologne mixed with the woodsy smell of the fire. My body was tingling from the tip of my nose down to my baby toes.  I felt like the girl in that Cobie Calie song.

Josh rewarded my willingness to submit to him with a chaste and comforting kiss to the top of my head.  The sparks that ignited in my body were more intense than any of the fireworks glittering across the sky.  His gaze followed the beauty of the moment, and I wondered what song was percolating through his neurons because his entire body purred of something bittersweet.  I tried not to let my mind wander beyond this moment or analyze its implications.  I just wanted it to be a beautiful moment under the hazy stars.

He must have sensed my mind go into overdrive so he whispered seductively into my ear.  “It's okay to like it.”

I froze, unable to think or move for a brief moment as the truth of my attraction for him dampened my fresh pair of panties. “Josh.”  I protested, not thinking of anything I could really say to him besides his name.

He simply whispered,  “Shhhh, Kitten.  It is okay.  I got you.”

I nodded slowly at him, my heart galloping at a rhythm out of sync with his steady breathing.  It was fear, anticipation, and sexual excitement wrapped up in a package that  I was too young to even begin to unpack.  I was thinking, was I really his?  Was I his kitten?  What did that mean?

 

If it felt like it did at that moment I knew I wanted it badly.  “So.. what are we?”  I bravely asked him.

He turned and looked at me, his eyes piercing into me. "Are we what?"

"I... I don't know. You tell me.  We're pretty close, so close that you're calling me Kitten. There is a clear attraction to each other. So... what does that mean for us?" I stammered and stuttered trying to get him to define our relationship.  It was like trying to pin jello to a wall.  I was afraid of what his answer would be as I looked at him nervously.  I needed clarity though.  I wanted to know if this was real or one of the many games he liked to play.

"It means I am filling out a fucking 40 page application to date you, Amy." He said almost laughing at the absurdity of it.

.

I laughed at the outrageous claim I knew was true.  Who in the world would fill out a 40 page application just for the chance to date a girl.  It was ridiculous as it sounded.  My brother was demanding it and surprisingly Josh was submitting to the request.  I had half expected he would walk away by now, but for some reason he was interested in a girl like me.  

"Well then I guess you better get working on that application then." I said, trying to laugh off the seriousness of my question.  "I'm sure you would get approved very quickly."  I added hoping he would get the hint that I desired this step to go forward whatever it meant for us.

He kissed the tip of my nose.  "Patience, Kitten. You can't rush perfection."

I giggled at the sheer arrogance at his comment. "Of course. I will wait patiently while you perfect this application and submit it to Brian."  I leaned my head into him closer, making myself cozy in his arms.  Enjoying the bliss of the feeling for a minute, I worked up the courage to ask my next question.  “How long do you think it will take until it’s submitted and approved?”  

He grinned at my impatience but his tone held some finality to it. "It will be done when it is perfect."

"So, it might take a while then. You're a perfectionist. So you're going to make sure every little detail is done just the way that you want it." I laughed realizing I might be waiting a while if he was going to wait until his application is perfect. But I was also excited because it felt like something he had thought more about than he was letting on.  He was taking this really seriously and that should have given me pause.  At the time I thought it was the ultimate romantic gesture.

"You will also know all the answers to the questions by the time we are engaged." He baited me with information I already knew.  

"I guess that's true.  By the time we are engaged I should know everything about you.” I said reasonably.

“It might not be everything. We got to save something for the wedding night." Josh corrected me.

"So you're planning to keep a few secrets for later, too? Good to keep the romance alive, right?"  I reasoned, not knowing if I would like the surprises he was planning.

He shrugged, "It's only fair since I can't have you till then."

"I suppose it is only fair to save something for the wedding night. But that does mean I get to have you all to myself when we get there, right?"  I asked hopefully.

"No you will give everything to me and then some. Things I know you haven't even thought of yet." He smirked.

"O-oh? Just how many things do you think I will give to you that I don't even know about yet?" I asked curiously wondering how far he would indulge my curiosity down this bunny trail.

He grinned at her. "Let's just say I always add something to my vanilla ice cream."

I couldn’t keep a straight face at that comment. The fact that he was comparing sex to vanilla ice cream made me giggle inside.

.

I looked at him perplexed, not sure exactly what he meant, but if he thought that was how things were to happen, who was I to argue.  I did try to see where the boundaries were. "So, are you suggesting that I should try various kinds of ice cream and see which one I prefer?" I teased.

His face grew a bit red. He looked at me seriously, pulling me possessively to him as he spoke.

"There are only four other types of ice cream you are ever going to be allowed."

This just made me more confused and curious.  If he was implying what I thought he was implying I didn’t know if I wanted any part of that.  “Oh? Is that right? And which 4 types of ice cream would that be?”  I questioned defiantly.

"Chris, Joey, Lance and Justin." He said without missing a beat.

I gasped as he said this.  At the time I thought he was just trying to be provocative to make me blush. I couldn’t think further on the implications of that line of thought.  Honestly I wanted to forget that he ever said it.  I wanted only his ice cream.  I didn’t want to hear more about possibly being intimate with his friends.  So I tried to take the conversation in a different direction.  “You didn’t even mention yourself.  Why is that?”  I asked him jokingly.

"Because it is a given that you will be eating the ice cream I give you multiple times a day. Those other types are just for special occasions." He explained nonchalantly.

I laughed at his ego. It was definitely coming out to play tonight.  I couldn’t trust a word that came out of his mouth when he was like this.  The way he was talking, it sounded like he believed we would be having sex all the time when we were married.  I thought he was pretty delusional considering his job and the reality of life, but if he wanted to live in that fantasy pornographic world, who was I to stop him.  

"Oh, so that's why you don't mention yourself. You're the flavor that I'll get so much of on a regular basis that it's not even a special thing for me?"  It teased him a little bit to see how he would take a little push back.

He chucked deep, "Oh baby. I can promise you that it is going to be special every single time. So much so you will crave it, so much that you will be begging for it." He smirked.

“I was wondering where he was hiding.”  I told him.

“Who?”  He lifted his eyebrow.

“Your alter ego,  Mr. Egotistically Bastard.” I declared with a grin.

He growled in my ears,  “I thought I declawed you, kitten.”

“Why would you do that?  I bet you would love them scratching down your back.”  I taunted him.

He raised his eyebrow a bit at my flirtation, but still was unphased,  “So you were lying when you said you didn’t like sprinkles.”  He playfully accused me.

“I didn’t know sprinkles were on the menu.”  I said defending myself not really knowing exactly what he meant by sprinkles. 

“That and a whole lot of fun things we can explore together.  I promise you this though that my vanilla ice cream will be so special you crave it and want nothing else.” He winked at me.

As usual just when we were getting into a good conversation we were interrupted.  At that moment Lance plopped down in the seat beside us.  “What are you two talking about?” He innocently asked.

I blushed a little bit, not expecting Lance to just appear out of thin air. I tried to play it off though, acting as though there wasn't anything going on between me and JC. "Nothing. Just talking about the best kinds of  ice cream. I was just telling Josh that I'll always prefer vanilla over any of the other flavors." I gave Lance a bit of a sheepish grin as I spoke.

"Really, sure you would want some sprinkles, chocolate syrup, or maybe a little crunch?" He asked as he winked at me.

I grinned immediately recognizing that Lance knew exactly what we were talking about.  I couldn’t help but blush more.  He definitely had insider knowledge of what Josh was into that I wasn't privy to.  I tried to act casual but his comment was taking this conversation in a decidedly worse direction.

"Are you suggesting that vanilla ice cream needs something more to be the most perfect ice cream? That vanilla is just not able to stand on its own?"  I asked him hoping that Lance would not play and at least be a bit more forthcoming than Josh had been about the topic.

"Don't get me wrong. Vanilla is great, I prefer double vanilla myself. Sometimes though little things can be added to enhance the excitement of eating it." Lance explained.

I couldn’t help but laugh at the way he was explaining things.  I questioned, "But what if I like my ice cream plain and boring? What if I'm a simple woman who wants a simple life? The kind where everything is straightforward and easy to understand?"

Lance giggled, "Then you are thinking about marrying the wrong man."

All I could do was laugh as well. It seemed though now everyone knew more than me.  It was uncomfortable to think about. "So what, are you implying that Josh is planning on making my life more complex with every flavor of vanilla ice cream he plans to feed me.”

"Yeah there will probably be some toppings you don't like. You will have to negotiate with him not to include them, but he will probably make you still try them. Even things as disgusting as pickles." Lance explained like he would a legal document.

I raised my eyebrows in disbelief.  Josh would make me eat something I didn’t like, especially if he knew I didn’t like it.  I would have to negotiate not to do them.  What kind of world was I being brought into?  Even the thought of pickles made my lips pucker in pain.  I squirmed at the brineyness.  No this was not going to happen.  If Josh thought it was, he had another thing coming. 

"Pickles? He would seriously try to force me to eat pickles? But I hate them. I can't stand the briney taste of them at all." I exclaimed a bit over dramatically.

"Then if I were you, I'd be a really good girl to avoid the horrible punishment." Lance warned seriously.

I shook my  head slightly, not able to help but laugh at this point. "Really? I'd have to be good in order to avoid pickles? That doesn't seem so bad after all. I could be bad just because I wanted to and then just accept the price for being a rebel and being bad!" I said defiantly, to see how Josh would react to my predicted disobedience.

Lance shook his head, "JC you are going to have fun with this brat.  If you need help man.  All you gotta do is ask.”  He patted Josh on the shoulder before going to talk to others.

"You're not going to feed me pickles are you?”  I asked, curious to know what Josh thought of the situation.  I didn’t want him to see my aversion to it.  I was trying to be casual about it but I know I couldn’t be more obvious.

"Kitten, that is one thing I can promise you. It will ever be boring.  I am sure we can come to an agreement on things like pickles. If you were truly mine I would probably give you one right now for all the sass you are giving me.” He told me candidly. 

"Oh really?" I challenged him, wondering what was hidden in that beautiful mind of his.

He got all puffed up, "You doubt my creativity? When we get closer to the wedding night we will go over the menu options. But Lance is right. I won't hesitate to throw in a few pickles if you disrespect me, defy me or do anything dangerous."  He warned with a shrug.

 I couldn’t  help but laugh as he mentioned the pickles again, but he was right. This is a warning to watch my behavior.  So far the basics of his rules seemed fair.  It would just be how he defined those terms and how strictly he made me follow his rules that would get me in trouble.

"Fine, I'll behave myself. But no more talk of pickles though, okay? That is one thing I could never agree to." I demanded in vain.

"You are not allergic are you?" He asked, concerned.

I shook my head.  "No, I am not allergic. I just really don't like them. They taste gross to me, and I hate that briney flavor that they have." I admitted conceding that the punishment Lance brought to Josh’s attention would indeed be a good one for minor misbehavior.

"Since they won't harm you. You might have to endure them if you break the rules." He warned.

I sighed in frustration at the thought. I definitely didn't like the idea of having to possibly eat pickles for breaking rules, but I had to admit that he had a point about them not being physically harmful to me.

I crossed my arms like a two year old.  "Fine, but do not try to give me a whole jar of them as a punishment or anything. There should only be small punishments for the rules I break, okay?" bargained with him.

"The amount of pickles you eat will fit the crime, kitten." He said arrogantly.

I sighed. I was beginning to realize that if I really wanted to be with this man, I would need to do my best to behave. As long as he kept things fair, that didn’t seem like too bad of a deal.

"Okay fine. I'll keep that in mind. If you try to give me too many pickles though, then we are going to have to have a discussion on what you think is fair." I gave him a small smirk and waited for his solution.

"If you have eaten too many pickles you will have a word that will get me to stop feeding them to you." He acquiesced.

I just shook my head slightly and sighed, "So I have to be responsible not only for behaving myself, but also for deciding how many pickles is too many. I feel like that's a lot to be responsible for."

"I will pay attention to make sure you won't have to say the word. I am always the one responsible, remember.” He told me as he rubbed my shoulders reassuringly

"How thoughtful of you to make sure I wouldn't get too many pickles!" But I knew that he's messing with me. "I appreciate that you're looking out for me though. Maybe you should make sure that there aren't too many for me to begin with though? That way you don't have to pay as much attention?"

"Trust me baby. I will be paying attention whether I give you strawberries or pickles." He sat back satisfied with himself.

I giggled and rolled my eyes at him. He was so cocky about this whole thing. "Well, I look forward to seeing how much attention you pay to this situation! It might be a bit much to handle if this is always how much attention you pay me."  I teased.

"I don't just pay attention while you are eating, baby. I pay attention to everything."  He declared just as confident as ever.

"You mean like all the time? Even when I'm just doing mundane things like cooking and reading?" I couldn’t believe that he would be that attentive.  I was generally a boring person.

"You have no idea how fascinating those things are."  He purred in my ear as he played with my hair.

I could imagine him just watching me as I read something on the couch in the living room or in bed, or as I cooked some meal in the kitchen. The thought felt oddly intimate to me.

"You're actually interested when I'm just reading some boring book though?" I asked confused with this new revelation.

"It won't be boring when you tell me about it." He stated plainly.

I looked at him and laughed before shaking my head slightly. "I can't imagine that my books would be that interesting to you." 

"Let me decide what I find interesting." He told me.

I shrugged, giving a small sigh."Okay, you're the one that will be listening after all. If you think I should keep you updated, I will. But only if you promise to not make fun of me for reading a romance novel."

"You are right the plot will probably be as boring as fuck, but I will be more interested in what you thought of the characters, how they reacted to their problems and one another. They could provide interesting conversations." He told her seriously.

I honestly hadn't even considered that he would care so much about a character's actions or motivations as much as I did.  That was the reason I read them anyway.  He was right that most plots were pretty repetitive.  It was your investment in the characters that made the difference.

"So you're telling me that if I talk about how the characters feel, what they do and how they interact with each other, you are actually going to pay attention to that stuff?"

He grinned, "Yeah, you can even tell me about what you thought about the ice cream they were eating."

I laughed, shaking my head slightly in disbelief. I thought what he was saying was slightly weird, but I also couldn't help but think that he was adorable for it. "I will keep that in my mind then. Whenever I start a new book I'll let you know, and I'll tell you all about the characters, the plot and what I think about it. And also what I think about any food they eat. Got it."

"I want to hear about the ice cream, and maybe if there are any pickles in the book too. There are many kinds of pickles you know. I like knowing about those too."  He said with a smirk on his face.

I laughed and gave him a small playful shove. "Okay, I'll make sure to update you on every little thing I can when I'm reading then. You'll get an update on all the ice cream they're eating, even if I think it is really boring, and if they mention any pickles, I will let you know about the various kinds they mention."

He grinned, "That's my good girl."

"I am not your good girl, stop calling me that!" It was fun to have this kind of playful banter. Even though deep down I worried just how dominant he really was planning on being, I was enjoying it for now.

“If you follow through with your promises, you very much are." He told her seriously.

"I didn't think you were quite so serious about this whole dominance thing." I said sobering up a bit.

"It is a very deep part of who I am, Amy." He said just as seriously.

I nodded in understanding. I had always understood that he was the dominant type of person, but I had somehow thought that he wasn't too serious about it. "And I have to make sure that I'm the good girl you want, right?"

"You won't even have to try, Amy." He told me.

"You have that much faith in me? That I will automatically be a good girl without trying?"  I asked in disbelief.

"It's the depth of who you are. You will only get in trouble when you fight the tow rope." He said, calling back our earlier experience on the lake.

I smirked at the analogy he used for my resistance to following his plans for my behavior. I would fight every step of the way if it meant that those damned pickles would never get near me. "So I guess there will be a lot of trouble happening then?" 

"Are you telling me there will be a lot of pickles in your future." He stated with almost sadistic glee

"You can’t wait to feed me pickles.  Maybe I will have to change your name to sadistic bastard.”  I protested even the thought of a pickle.

"I might have to study different things to pickle then, like okra or peppers." He said taking it in stride.

"Please do. I want you to find every form of pickle that you can find in order to use it as a punishment for me. That way, you can keep me as your good girl, but also so I will know just how terrible you can really get." I naively told him.

"You have no clue how bad it could get, kitten.  Pickled Ghost peppers and pickled ginger sound like an awesome combination." He challenged me further.

My eyes widen at this suggestion. "And you're saying that I would have to eat something that spicy if I get in too much trouble?"

"I know how to turn up the heat when I need to, kitten.  And thanks to Joey’s cooking, I know you can handle very little of it." He warned me.  If only I took that warning to heart.  I would have stopped years of pain.

"Is that so? I guess I'd better keep my defiant nature under control then. That is a lot of heat to handle, you know. You wouldn't be trying to hurt me, now would you?" I asked, teasing but a little scared about what he was proposing.

He shrugged, "Hurt maybe, harm never."

"I can handle the pain a little bit, but I wouldn't want you to go too far of course. I guess we will see just how far you will go when I get in too much trouble though."  I tried to negotiate.

"You always have your word." He reminded me. "And I am not opposed to giving you pickles over several days if that is what is needed."

"You are a sadistic one for sure. You would make me eat several pickles over a span of multiple days just to prove a point? That would definitely be the longest, most painful torment you could give me." I tried not to laugh at the ridiculousness of the conversation.

"There would be times of no pickles to let you rest. However you would have to really earn a strawberry during those times."  He said, trying to ease my mind.

I shrugged and gave  him a small smirk. "I guess I would just have to take those times when I would get some rest to relax and let my stomach recover." She teases him.

"Sometimes I will make you earn strawberries just for the fun of it." It told me to assure me that he wasn’t completely evil.

"I'm going to live in a constant state of stress when I am with you, huh?"  I asked seriously not knowing if this was really a path I wanted to go down.

"Only if you fight the tow rope." He warned.

"You know that I am going to fight that rope though, right? That is just how I am. I need a firm hand holding the rope to keep me in line. Are you going to be that firm hand?" I asked firmly challenging him.

"I'll be with you every step of the way Amy." He reassured me.

"I guess you can lead the way then. Just expect me to fight every bit of the way. Because I will fight every step of the way." I warned him.

"You are making too much of the mountains, kitten. You will find most of our time together will be smooth sailing."  He said cockily as he kissed the top of my head again.

"I'm sure I'll be mostly in line and behaving myself, but I can't say that I'll be the same all the time. I can't promise to be so docile all the time."  I told him, unsure of my ability to be completely submissive to him.

"I'm ready for the challenge." He told me without flinching.

"I hope you can be. If that firm hand ever falters, I'll be sure to take advantage of it." It teased him a bit more proving my brattiness, however for tonight at least he was willing to play with me.

"I think you are a secret pickle lover." He accused me.

I laughed at this accusation and shook her head. "I don't know how you came to that conclusion, but I can assure you that I am not a secret pickle lover. You'll see that if I ever have to eat those disgusting, briney things."

He just laughed at me, pulling my hair ever so slightly.

My face turned red with a bit of frustration as I realized I was never going to be able to win this little pickle argument. "I guess I will just eat and accept my disgusting punishment once it comes. You definitely won this argument."

He kissed the top of her head. "That's my good girl."

My face went bright red at this kiss.  I couldn't fight against feeling good when he was calling me  his "good girl" and giving me kisses on the head. This was only just the beginning though. It would just keep getting harder to fight the more he did it.

 While we were wrapping up our little debate over pickles, the fireworks had ended besides a few night time revelers across the lake lighting a few now and then. Brian and Shannon had collected the little kids and the guy's parents had long retired. I noticed that I was around the fire with just the guys.

My curiosity peaked at this sight. I had not expected my and the guys to be left around the fire alone. "Where are the kids?" I asked.

"It's late. Past their bedtime." Josh responded.

I nodded. "That makes sense. Just the adults around the fire to drink or relax now, I take it?" I said basically to hear myself talk and to hopefully prolong the evening.  I didn’t want anyone to think it was my bedtime too.

"Yeah." He stared off into the gleaming fire until Justin handed him his guitar.  He looked over at Justin and immediately started playing.  I loved it when he spontaneously sang.  I was privileged to have a private concert.  The strumming went from something incoherent but beautiful to Pure Prairie League’s “Amy whatcha going to do.”  

I wanted to hide in the woods, I was so embarrassed.  He knew it made me uncomfortable, and he was loving it.  I could see the sadistic gleam in his eyes as he stared at me.

"Oh god, this song?" I laughed quietly.

He sang it as earnestly and unironically as possible. I think that just made it worse.  I couldn’t believe he would do this with other people around.  The boys harmonized and I was a corpse of embarrassment. It wasn't as if I hated the song. It just made me feel vulnerable in front of the other guys, who likely were just having a bit of a giggle at this whole situation.

Josh ended the song without a flourish and without saying anything more he began singing “Behind Blue Eyes.”  I sat there enthralled with the beauty of his voice, my ears barely registering the lyrics.  I felt self conscious as the other guys were noticing our interactions.  Luckily though they made no comment.

Justin chimed in on his guitar singing "Let's Give them something to talk about."

I blushed because I knew Justin was commenting on my relationship with Josh.  He was our biggest cheerleader.  I think he was done with all the will they or won’t they stuff.  He just wanted me and Josh together whatever the consequences of that might be.

Cutting Justin off, Chris grabbed the guitar and banged out Papa don’t Preach by Madonna. It was a pointed warning to me.  He still wanted me to guard my heart and my body.  Instead of giving me another pointless lecture he chose to preach to me through this song.  Once his monologue was through Joey broke the tension that was created by singing a medley of Margaritaville and Sweet Caroline.  The guys were hilarious as they were touching one another as they drained the last of the beer that remained from the evening.  Lance ended the sing along by singing friends in low places.  Although generally I don’t care for country, I would get used to it if it was his voice crooning a country tune.  As a natural bass, he definitely hit all the low notes.  

The guys hung out a little while longer, shit talking and roasting the last of the marshmallows.  Occasionally they broke out in drunken harmonies.  I sat there absorbing it all.  One by one they all left us.  JC and I were the last two sitting around the fire.

"It is so late now. Who would have thought we'd be the last two left here?" I commented staring into the fire.

"You could have decided to go to bed anytime, yet you are still here." He said, reminding me of my choice to be here.  He was right.  I could have gone to bed at any time, and yet I stayed.  Maybe I was waiting for this time of the night.  Maybe I was waiting for him to make a move.  I didn’t know what he was going to do next, nor did I know what I wanted to happen.  There was a bit of excitement with no watching eyes on us.

"Alright, that is a fair point,” I conceded.” Yet I guess you could have also decided to go to bed by now too, but you’re still here with me. What does that say about you?" I asked, testing him.

"It says I know how to work the loopholes." He said all proud of himself.  “Justin is my boy.  He was to stay to make sure we didn’t do anything bad.  Why Chris thinks Justin makes a good chaperone is mystifying.  He wasn’t going to stick around if there was a chance of us sucking face.  Man’s too jealous because he’s in between girlfriends right now.

"So you aren’t tired at all? You’re just staying up to spend more time with me?" I asked in disbelief.

He shrugged, "I will sleep on the bus."

"That's true, I guess you could just sleep on the bus in the morning. But why aren't you tired yet? It really is late after all." I kept pushing, wanting to know what was in his head.

"You give me energy Amy." He told me honestly.  In the future I would find out exactly how much, but that story is too spicy for today.  

"You have to stop being so smooth, you know that right? That was a bit of a cheesy line, but I cannot help but feel all giddy after hearing it."  I chuckled, teasing him.

He nudged me, "You love that I can be a cheese ball."

"I'll admit that I really do like it a bit. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy every time. It makes it feel like we're on a romantic date, even if we're just sitting next to a campfire at midnight." I admitted making light of our true situation.

"I am trying not to think of all the possibilities." He sighed.

"Possibilities?" I whispered, feeling my cheeks getting flushed.  My mind raced with all the possibilities that he could be meaning.

Seeing me thinking too hard, he kissed the top of my head. "One's that we can't explore right now. They are on the menu for later."

I shivered a bit at this reply, feeling a bit of excitement at his words. I liked that the possibility was now on the table, as his words had me interested in exploring that possibility further.

"So that is on the menu for later?" I said coyly, only succeeding in making him think about it more as well.

Josh allowed a little space between us before firmly stating. "Not until there is my ring on your finger.”

"So, I need to let you pop the question before we get this possibility then?" I pouted, knowing he was in as much pain of unmet desire as I was.

“Yeah, I am sorry we are both burning, kitten." He apologized, playing with my hair, making my need grow worse again.

"That's okay.”  I looked away from him disappointed that nothing more would happen.

He let more distance come between us.  Suddenly, the atmosphere cooled,  “You don't want to get caught up in the flame, kitten.”  He warned.

"Yes... You're right, I don’t want to be burned" I said a bit too bitterly.

He yawned, "Which is why we should probably go to bed." Josh said as we watched the glowing embers begin to die.

I sighed,  feeling a little disappointed at his words. "Yeah... You're right. It really has gotten very late." I still felt the rush of blood to my nether regions but knew he was doing the responsible thing.  I would have to follow his lead.  I felt a bit reluctant to leave his presence right now.

He got up and stretched. I stood up as well. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings as my focus was on Josh’s hand.  Not seeing the branch, by the fire I tripped over it.  I had placed my hands out in front of me to brace my fall. Unfortunately my hands didn’t  land on the dirty ground or the dewy grass but they landed hard on the smoldering coals of the fire.