I can't really tell when all this began. I mean, I absolutely remember the first time our eyes locked and I remember the exact second his hand brushed against my skin to lightly squeeze my arm to get my attention.

But I guess it all started a few months before, when I was notified by school that I was eligible for the Exchange Student program to go research Universities in Germany because of my good academic performance. So everything that was left to do was convince my parents to let me go live in Germany for 3 months, at 17 years old. 

And against all odds they found it to be a great idea and there I was. I was sent to live with a girl my age and her family in Dortmund, Germany. And was assigned to attend the Gymnasium an der Schweitzer Alee, which was the local high school. It was a great big world and I was hungry for it. 

I was born and raised in Guatemala, a small country south of Mexico in Central America. It is known for its beautiful scenery, paradisiac weather and happy people. So a trip to Europe sounded too good to be true, and I had no idea how it would change my life. 

Anyway, there I was 1 month into my exchange program, immersing myself in the culture, the language, the snow and I loved every second of it. After 4 weeks of total immersion the program called for a meeting of the whole group of kids that had been scattered throughout all of Germany and Düsseldorf was the place the Program leader chose for us to meet in.

We were to meet in a hotel for 5 days to share how the experience had been going so far, what we had learned and to visit the campus of the HHU Düsseldorf (Heinrich-Heine-Universität) or to be plainly put, the local university in Düsseldorf. 

I never had any idea of what I might want to go into for my higher education, but in the last months I was starting to lean into the medical field, so I was ready to learn anything I needed to secure a place for me right there. The first two days were spent catching up with fellow countrymen discussing which german city was the coolest, which high school had the hottest guys or girls and how badly we missed Guatemala’s warm and beautiful weather. Most of us had never even seen snow and here we were in the middle of November in Germany in cold cold -1C.

After touring the campus and getting settled in, hearing every story, talking about missing our families and watching a couple of pictures some of us had gotten printed out, the exchange leader kindly let us know we would be having the night off to go out to dinner and maybe catch a show at the nearest club. We were all very much excited when we learned that the legal age for getting into discos was 16, and that we also were allowed to drink beer, no liquor, though. At age 17 I already drank back home but I was yet to do it legally so a group of us decided that we would be going out and we would be staying out late. 

We grabbed dinner on the street, everyone was big on eating Donner Kebabs, which were heavenly pita breads filled with roasted beef or pork cooked with oriental spices with a selection of fresh veggies and more yogurt sauce than you could possible need. It was absolute heaven. And nothing beats a warm dinner on a very chilly night when you have plans to get plastered listening to some new band later on. So, we headed to Unique Club, just 6 blocks from our hotel. 5 girls, 6 boys. 

None of the people in the group I was particularly close to, but we all got along, we all knew each other, we all went to the same school back home so the atmosphere was very laid back. 

We entered the club, which to our surprise was filled with people our age, we hung out, danced to the pop music blasting through the speakers and anticipated the band that was about to go on stage, some newcomers apparently. 

About around 11PM the lights dimmed, the smoke from the smoke machines started rising and a group of guys appeared on stage. Their energy was undeniable and totally contagious. The music was catchy and the harmonies were like butter. They had the audience in a trance, boys and girls alike. One of them especially caught my eye. His energy on stage was electric, his voice was the smoothest sound I had ever heard, he never stood still and you could see he was having the best time on that stage. Two of the other guys were very attractive to me, blonde, cute, which was usually my type. But this guy, there was something unexplainable and undeniable about him. 

In the blink of an eye the show was over. They had been on stage for over an hour but the time flew by and no one even noticed. Suddenly the boy that had been keeping me preoccupied moments before had vanished from sight so we all went back to just enjoying the night. When suddenly one of the girls in my group pointed out that the guys in the band were coming into the room, she quickly left our side and approached them while all of us just watched her. She walked up to a dark haired guy, very handsome, long face, perfect chin and we could see her throwing her head back in laughter a couple minutes later. She kept motioning us to join her and some of the guys did, but a couple of us, who usually were the more shy ones, just stayed at our table and just carried on. 

Suddenly the whole group of guys along with the rest of our original group started towards our table. And that’s when I saw him, walking slowly behind a curly blonde guy, smiling softly and nodding at something someone had said to him. He slowly looked up and must’ve stopped to look at the girl with her mouth open who was staring at him. I could feel my face grow warmer from embarrassment as I quickly looked away and played it cool. They joined our party and the blue-eyed dark-haired guy was standing right beside me. My heart started racing, my palms became sweaty and I started kicking myself mentally for being such an idiot so I just kept looking away. That’s when his hand brushed my arm before gently squeezing it, making a bolt of electricity run through my body, I quickly turned to him with a bewildered look on my face, I’m sure. 

“Hi,” he said. 

“Hey,” I answered. 

“How you girls doing? Your friend here tells us you guys are not local, thank God for that.” I smiled. 

“Why Thank God?”

“Because I can’t speak German to save my life and English in a german accent should be illegal,” he joked. I giggled, he smiled wider. 

“And what makes you think we can speak English any better than the locals?” I teased, relaxing a little. 

“I don’t know, but a latin accent is something I have heard before, I used to live in Florida. And I actually kind of like it, it sounds sexy.” 

The ice was broken. We kept the banter going for a couple of minutes. For once I was very grateful to have learned English at a very early age.

The other four guys were very nice as well. One of them was a total flirt, one was very shy and quiet, one of them did not stand still for the whole time we were there, and I was sandwiched between the object of my attention and the blonde curly guy who was so obviously the youngest. 

“So, what’s your name, honey? I’m JC.” He put his hand out there for me to shake. 

“I’m Kiki, very nice to meet you.” I grabbed his hand softly and shook it lightly. He gave me a half smirk that almost made my heart melt. 

He went on to tell me how it was that they ended up performing that night at that club, and that they had been doing so for the last month and would continue to do so for at least another 6 months all throughout Europe. He also said he and the young blonde one, Justin, had been on a television show together the last few years, which followed by a lot of teasing from the group about being celebrities. I also learned that Joey, the handsome one with the chin, had starred at some show in Disney world and a couple of my friends were very excitedly telling him that they must’ve seen him the last time they were there and that they loved the show. He even did some of the moves from it as we all watched and laughed. 

“Can I get you a drink?” asked JC suddenly, turning his back on the group and facing me. I tucked a strand of hair nervously behind my ear and bit my lip while holding my half empty bottle of beer up to eye level. 

“I think I’m good.” He frowned a little. “But you can buy the next one,” I said flirting which immediately caused him to chuckle loudly. 

How the rest of the evening passed I could not tell you. There was music, there was laughter, there was beer but most of all there was fog in my brain because the more we talked the closer JC got to me, the more I could smell the mix of sweat and cologne, the more I could hear the tone of his sexy voice near my ear and the light touches and brushes of skin were closer together. And just like that we ended up in a very badly lit corner of the club, a little far away from the speakers. I remember leaning against the wall, back lightly arched, with my hips seductively pressing against his. He had his left hand on the wall keeping him stable while his right was placed on my left hip bone, he slowly rubbed my side up to the waist and squeezed lightly, while I looked up at him biting my lip. I can’t remember for the life of me what topic we were discussing because the only thought on my head was how badly I wanted to bite his lower lip. He slowly slid his right hand to the small of my back and tipped his head down to me just as I tipped mine up to his, so his lips ended up pecking my chin. We both giggled, he stepped back slightly, smiled and bent down slowly this time with a clear agenda. His full lips pressed against mine and that’s when the club became empty and my head filled with fog. The feeling of warm breath on my face and his warm tongue parting my lips and caressing my own drove me insane. I don’t know how much time passed but I found myself lost in his kisses, they started soft and tender and grew a bit hungry and passionate back to soft and sweet. I remember so clearly feeling safe and thinking to myself how much of a gentleman this guy was because one of his hands was firmly placed on the small of my back and pulled me closer or let me a little looser depending on the intensity of the kisses at the moment and the other hand was either on my hip or running up and down my arm to my shoulder to the back of my neck. Never was there any groping or grabbing of any body part covered by clothing, which really should’ve just hinted at how experienced he really was and how he could really remain controlled even in the most passionate of make out sessions. I, however had lost all control over my body and was it not for his strong hands holding onto my body I would’ve ended up on the floor. 

Every couple of minutes our lips would part, I’d feel him step back just a little and as I would open my eyes I’d find him looking at me so sweetly and as my eyes would open wider as to asking him if something was wrong he’d smile, whisper: hi, and resume with the task at hand. It was truly the most erotic experience of my young life, up until then. 

Suddenly the lights went on and we were awakened from our blissful slumber. I remember JC’s hand on my waist as he chuckled lightly and we both regained ourselves. He almost appeared shy as he looked at me under full dark lashes which made his blue eyes pop even more, now with adequate lightning. He motioned me to find my group as he interlaced his fingers between mine and we started walking hand in hand. He quickly grabbed a napkin from the bar as we walked by and tore it in half, while we awaited our coats from wardrobe he asked the girl for a pen. He quickly gave it to me and whispered in my ear to write down the telephone number of the family I was staying at in Dortmund. He had told me earlier he was almost certain they would be stopping by that city sometime in the next weeks and he wanted to see me. 

I scribbled it down quickly not really believing this was real. There was no way he’d want to see me again, there was no way I was getting kissed this passionately by such an amazing boy so far away from home, such an unlikely thing to be happening. He winked while folding the napkin and put in it his pocket then helped me into my coat and put on his jacket before grabbing my hand again and walking me outside. We met up with my friends outside, he whispered something in Chris’ ear and started towards my hotel, with my hand in his. He walked slowly while we chatted about nothing, he pulled my hand, let it go and put his arm around my shoulders pulling me closer to him. “I’m cold,” he whispered in my ear, and then continued to chat about whatever with the rest of our group. As we stepped into the lobby of the hotel, he turned me around, pecked me on the lips and said: “I’ll be seeing you pretty,” turned around and walked out of the hotel leaving me in a state of daze I think I never stepped out of. 

“Kiki, wir mussen in halb Stunde gehen,” Bettina woke me up trying not to startle me.

I opened my eyes slowly letting the light in. I glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, I was late. I must’ve turned off the alarm again and gone back to sleep without noticing. I jumped off the bed and thanked my friend and host with a smile as I ran into the bathroom. In a swift movement I put my hair in a high bun and disrobed to step into the tub. I grabbed the shower head and let the warm water run down my body. I closed my eyes and a memory from two weeks ago clouded my mind, the same memory that had been haunting me every time I let my mind wander. I remembered his blue eyes, his pink lips, the jawline, the lashes, the way his hands on my hips had felt, the electric feeling of his mouth on mine. I opened my eyes hastily and shook my head. “He’s not thinking about you, idiot,” I could hear myself in my head all day. But I was thinking about him, all day, every day. My mind quickly raced back to the comments my group of friends made the very next day after meeting JC. I could hear their voices, 

“Oh yeah, they must do that every night. Meeting girls must come with the job.” 

I smiled politely at them and tried to ignore them, but I knew they were right.

So I finished my quick shower and jumped into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, undid my bun, brushed my long dark brown hair and finally pulled two thick strands back into a half ponytail. Went downstairs, grabbed a piece of toast and a quick sip of juice and was out the door on my way to school. 

The day passed as most of them did, school, lunch with friends, and then volleyball practice. I signed up for the volleyball team as a spare because I was obviously not going to be around the whole year to train but I loved it and they took me. So after volleyball practice I started walking home with Rike, one of the girls on the team who lived nearby. We talked about her boyfriend, about her plans for next year which would be senior year. She asked if I had made my mind up about applying to colleges in Germany and the truth is I hadn’t. The thought of deciding something about my future made me tremble a little. 

I stepped into the house, took off my shoes, took off my coat and was ready to settle down for the evening when I heard the phone ring. Frau Janssen, Bettina’s mother, answered it as she always did, I didn’t pay any attention when suddenly she called after me: “Kiki, Telefon fûr dich!” I turned around with a bewildered look on my face and looked at the clock on the wall behind me. My parents usually called until later at night, and they usually just called me once or twice a week, because long distance fees, and we had already talked that much this week. I walked into the kitchen towards the phone and put the speaker up to my ear as I pulled out the stool beside the breakfast table and sat on my foot. 

“Hola?” I said expecting my mom to answer me. 

“Hola? that must be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard,” he said and chuckled. Thank God I was already sitting down because I would have stumbled right there, after hearing his voice. 

“H-h-hi,” I managed to whisper after collecting myself. He chuckled softly again. 

“Hi, there pretty girl.” My mind started racing, my heart beat a million miles per hour. 

“I’m sorry I hadn’t called earlier, it’s been crazy here on my end. I’ve been thinking about you, though.” 

“Yeah, me, too,” I said in a more normal voice this time, not really believing he was on the other side of the call. He began telling me how they had left Dusseldorf the day after meeting me and spent 3 days in Kôln in rehearsals and photo shoots and then a couple days later they resumed the Club tour going south to Bonn, Frankfurt, Stuttgart, all the way down to Munich and then they started up north again and now they were stopping again in Nordhein-Westfalen for a couple days to go east towards Berlin. I loved how he had a hard time pronouncing the German city names and imagined he had written them down and was trying to read them. I laughed. 

“So my German is that awful, huh?” 

“You’re cute.” 

He took a deep breath.. “So we had today off, we’re back in Dusseldorf. We walked by the hotel where I left you, I really wished you were there. We had some nasty potato pancakes, too. I really like the trains.” He rambled and started talking very fast, I had the feeling he was nervous about something.  “So anyway, we have a couple days off after the meeting tomorrow and I was just wondering, I mean, I know you have school and stuff, I actually wanted to call you since early today but I assumed you had class, and I remembered you usually do stuff in the afternoon so I had to wait, I was very bored,” he took a deep breath. I was filled with anticipation. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but, I was looking up the map and I realized we are not really that far from each other and supposedly there’s a cool town just a few minutes from here called Essen? Which is funny, because I thought essen meant food.” I snorted very loudly this time. 

“What?” he asked. 

“You’re right… I mean, it means eating You’re funny.” 

“Um… yeah, so, do  you think you could meet me there? At the town called eating?” 

My heart skipped a beat. “I looked it up, it’s only like half an hour away for you, by train and like 40 min away from me. I mean, I guess I could come to you, too but the tickets get kinda expensive then and we’re sorta getting by on allowance here…”

I started thinking about my schedule without saying anything, already moving things around and thinking about what I was gonna wear.

 “H-h-hello?” he said, with a little panic in his voice. 

“Yeah- yes! Of course yes!” I said a little too loudly and then cringed a little. 

“Really?” he sounded more relaxed then, I think I even heard a little sigh of relief coming from his end. 

We chatted a couple minutes more, he said to check train times and he’d be calling tomorrow, at the same time to coordinate schedules. I hung up the phone with butterflies still flapping around in my stomach, I walked out of the kitchen into the hallway and into the living room where Bettina was watching TV. She turned to see me, I must’ve looked like an idiot, she motioned for the phone with her thumb, opened her eyes wide and asked “Ja?” as if asking if JC had called and I just shrugged and nodded my head with an idiotic grin on my face. We then proceeded to talk about him the rest of the evening. 

We were to meet at Essen Haupbahnhof at 10.15 which is when my train would arrive. JC’s train would get there 15 minutes earlier. I had not told my guest parents that I would not be attending school that day, only two of my friends knew where I would be just in case I needed to contact them. I woke up extra early that morning, no sleepy turning off of the alarm, I was up way before it went off. I did my usual routine, shower, breakfast and off to the S-Bahn station, but instead of going the direction of school I went the other way, downtown to the main train station. I sat and waited, I was more than half an hour early but I didn’t care. It was cold but the mere thought of JC was keeping me warm. 

I stood on the platform at 9:40. The train was scheduled to be there at 9:43, which it was. You have to love German schedules, always on time. I boarded the train, found a rear facing seat in the middle of the car to avoid the cold of the doors when they opened and closed and took a deep breath. A million thoughts were running through my mind. “What if he doesn't show up? What if we have nothing to talk about? What if he doesn't like what I look like in light of day?” I shook my head lightly and ran my hands through my hair trying to think of something else. I grabbed my bag and took my compact powder case, opened it and checked my make up quickly. Put on some more cherry red lip gloss on and went back to trying to stay calm. 

Four train stops away the Essen Hauptbahnhof was announced over the speakers. I stood up and walked over to the door holding on to the rail. I put on my gloves and stepped on the platform after the train came to a full stop and the doors opened wide. I walked over to the building looking from side to side, searching. Finally, I could spot him about 100m ahead of me. He was standing in front of a wall that had a mural on it, his head tilted upwards, mouth open. I smiled as I started walking faster. He must have felt my gaze upon him because he turned his head in my direction and his face lit up completely when he saw me. He started walking towards me until we were standing right in front of each other. We just stood there for a couple of seconds, he was actually there. Baggy blue jeans, white sneakers, a dark blue jacket over a black wool sweater and a gray beanie. His hands were in his pockets and he swayed from toes to heels a couple of times with a foolish grin plastered on his face. I smiled wide and said “Hi!” 

“Hi,” he replied as he took his hands out of his pockets and started towards me to embrace me in a tight hug. I squeezed him a little as his scent filled my nose and made me a little dizzy, a mix of tang and musk emanated from his skin. He also pressed me against him with one hand on the back of my neck and his nose buried in my hair. I could hear him inhaling next to my ear and it made my heart flutter. Slowly we parted, he ran his hands down my arms and held my hands in his. 

“I’ve been looking forward to seeing you,” he said with a shy smile. We started walking out of the station, his hand still holding mine. 

We walked for a couple minutes unsure of what to do next. We kept the conversation light, we talked about the weather, the food, the awesome trains. It was a beautiful day, it was cool but the sun was shining. I had checked the map the day before and learned that there was a pretty park with a pretty little lake not far from the train station so that’s where we decided we would stop first. We walked by a small café. 

“You hungry?” JC said. 

“Sure, you?” 

“I can always eat,'' he said, flashing a million dollar smile. We walked into the café and decided to get a snack to go. JC glared over the pastries and decided on two chocolate croissants and two hot chocolates. When we were in front of the line he looked over at me nervously, I took the hint and ordered for us, he quickly stepped up when it came time to pay. We walked outside towards the lake. There were benches all around, the air was fresh. We sat down on a bench with shade. I started eating slowly, nervously. I turned to look at JC and he had more or less inhaled his food and was now blowing softly on the hot chocolate cup, the steam rising from it slowly. He put his free arm around me and pulled me a little closer. I welcomed it and laid my head on his shoulder. We both sighed at the same time and then laughed quietly. 

“So, I was just thinking how reckless I am. Coming all the way here without knowing if you are a serial killer or something,” I said trying to break the silence. He chuckled. 

“How do I know you are not some crazed fan that followed me all the way from the states posing as a cute Guatemalan.” 

“Ooooh look at you knowing your demonyms.” 

“Look at you with your big words.” We laughed.

 “Actually,” he said as I turned to face him. “I had to look up Guatemala, I had no idea where it was,” he said, turning a little red. “I had to go into a bookstore and browse an encyclopedia.” I laughed. 

“Yeah, don’t worry. Most people don’t know where it is. Everyone here hears Central America and they don’t have any idea. They think America is only the United States.” 

“Yeah, well one less thing I don’t know. Sounds super lovely, though.”

“It is,” I said looking to the lake and then back at him with a smile. “But I’m more interested to know more about these crazy fans that follow you all around the world to stalk you.” He laughed, throwing his head back. He then grabbed my chin with his left hand and started playing with my hair with his right hand, bent in and pecked me on the lips. I could feel my cheeks turning bright red. He chuckled softly and kissed me again, this time a little more deeply. 

“Hmmm,” he grunted as we parted. 

“So did you always want to be a rockstar?” I asked as I scooched closer to him and put his arm around my shoulders, my back pressed against his chest and started playing with his fingers. 

“I didn’t. I mean, when I was a child I always wanted to build stuff. We would move around a lot with my mother, like we didn’t have a steady home for a while so I used to think about building us a house.” He got really quiet suddenly. I could feel him shift a little awkwardly. “But then after I got adopted and started having a more normal life and attended school and everything and was introduced to music everything changed.” He had mentioned he was adopted in passing during one of our conversations. I didn’t want to dig deeper, though. I wanted to wait until he was ready to talk about it. “I got dared to enter a dance contest and after that I used to want to dance all the time, I actually kind of had a dance group and we would rehearse after school. It wasn’t until my mom really encouraged me to audition for the MMC that I considered doing this seriously. I loved every minute of it. From awkwardly singing and dancing in front of the producers, to the training camp they sent us to, everything was just so incredible. I mean, I knew nothing about nothing. I believed I was good, I could dance and sing but the vocal coaches and the choreographers and the writers, it always blew my mind how much you learned every day. It was hard work with school and everything but there were a bunch of us and we all were going through the same thing so it was very cool. And you could really feel yourself getting better, you could see the hard work paying off in how the audience reacted to your performances. And performing, whew,” he took a deep breath. “Nothing beats it.” 

I found myself staring at him, in awe of how genuine he seemed, how humble. He already had been a star. Plus I had seen him perform, he was amazing at it, and yet here he was so hungry to be better. I also felt a little jealous. He already had known what he wanted to do with his life since he was 13 years old, and there I was at 17 with no clue. 

“And being adored by girls everywhere didn’t hurt I’m sure,” I said part joking, part jealous. He laughed. 

“Well, it doesn’t suck.” He laughed harder. “No, but seriously, it’s not why you do it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, when you’re on stage and you feel the energy of the crowd and they want more it just feeds into your own energy and it’s electric, and it’s incredible. But when I’m off stage it can get a little awkward. It’s amazing to feel loved, though. And it’s also amazing to share it all with the guys.” I nodded in understanding.  

“So, you picking up girls after shows is not something you usually do?” I said trying to play cool and looking away from him. I could see him from the corner of my eye as he narrowed his eyes and glared at me. 

I turned to him and smiled coyly, he pulled me closer and wrapped both hands around my waist and planted a big loud smooch right under my ear. I squirmed and laughed. 

“Seriously?” he started. I nodded. “Of course I’ve hooked up with girls, I mean, yeah…” I started to get a knot in the pit of my stomach, “But to actually want to see them again… that’s not so frequent. Actually going out of my way to meet them in the middle of nowhere, even when they are probably huge stalkers… never.” We both laughed. “Plus, I swear, this is the first real time off we’ve had in months.” 

After a while we decided to visit some sites which included two coaling museums, a few WWII landmarks and the local theater. We stopped to eat lunch at a small quaint pizza place and then we did a little more walking around. It surprised me how easy it all seemed. How freely conversation flowed, how his hand managed to find mine every time, how familiar his embrace felt. 

As the sun started to go down, we were back near the lake. I shivered slightly as a cool breeze blew right through us. He stepped behind me and put his arms around me. He slowly spun me around forcing me to walk backwards slowly. He stared right into my eyes and smiled. We stopped when my back was against a tree. He grabbed the side of my face and caressed my cheek as I slowly closed my eyes and sighed. As I looked up at him he was softly biting his lip as he started to bend towards me. Our lips touched as a bolt of electricity ran up my spine. His free hand traveled to the small of my back causing me to arch my back slightly. The taste of his tongue in my mouth and his breath on my face was intoxicating. We just stood there, kissing, lost in each other’s embrace as the time to say goodbye slowly crept closer.

I settled into the train seat, blowing on my hands to get them a little warmed up. It had been a brutally cold couple of days since I had been back in Dortmund trying to readjust to somewhat of a routine, but my world had been turned upside down by a young man and it just seemed that things would never be the same for me. 

I watched the trees speed by as I neared the station closest to school. Bettina had offered to drive me a little later since I had first period free and so did she but I just needed a little time to myself out of the house to gather my thoughts and feelings. My mind wandered back to Essen a couple days earlier. To how the walk back to the train station had been quiet and slow, how we were trying to stretch out time hand in hand. We had settled onto one of the benches on the platform, facing each other. Between kisses and jokes, two trains had passed, one headed to Dûsseldorf, one headed to Dortmund and we didn't even notice. It was a good thing we had checked and there would be other trains coming by. As he had whispered something cheesy in my ear and we slowly parted to look into each other's faces, I remembered JC had mentioned earlier they would be in Berlin in the middle of December, which was only a week away. I had planned a trip to Berlin before the New Year, I hadn't settled on a date, however. I wanted to visit a friend and go on the campus tour for the Freie Universität Berlins and the teaching hospital Charité. I took a deep breath and mentioned this to JC, feeling vulnerable. He opened his eyes wide, beaming at me. 

“I was trying to get up the nerve to ask you to meet me in Berlin,” he said almost in disbelief. “But I felt like an idiot asking you to move around your schedule to come to me again.” He pulled me into a tight hug and chuckled. “You're awesome,” he then whispered close to my ear and gave me a wet smooch on the cheek. 

So we made plans to meet again. The goodbye at the train station in Essen had been awkward but sweet. Knowing that we definitely would see each other again made it a little less hard. But now I was feeling a little restless. Time could not go fast enough as I counted days until our December 13th rendezvous. It was a friday, which JC found hilarious. But I also didn't want time to speed up too much, because after December 13th would come new years (Or Sylvester as they call it in Germany) which I was spending with some people from Dortmund in Köln and then January 11th was just around the corner, which meant going home for me. I was excited to go back home. It meant seeing my parents, siblings, friends. No more cold, yummy food. But it also meant the end of whatever this thing with JC was, and that thought made me a little sad. 

I stepped off the train, into the street and began walking towards school, slowly. 

When I got back home I slowly walked into the house, I heard Bettina coming down the stairs and the moment she saw me she jumped down from the last 3 steps, grabbed my hand and rushed me to my bedroom where a package had been placed on top of my bed. She smiled wide and said “It’s not from Guatemala, so I can only guess who sent it.” I quickly rushed to my bed grabbing the package and started to rip the paper off of it. A cd case fell onto my lap along with a letter.

“My pretty girl Kiki,

I’m sure we’ve talked over the phone after our amazing date in Essen. But I missed you so much on the train ride, it was cold and you weren’t there to keep me warm. Then I came back home (If a hotel room can be considered home) and Lou had brought the first samples of the album to us and the only thing I could think about was that I wanted you to listen to it. So everyone says the mail or Deutsche Post is very efficient so I’m running down to the nearest mail thingy after asking Lance for one of his stamps so I can get this to you ASAP. 

I will be very anxiously awaiting your review when we meet in Berlin. Remember, Friday the 13th at 3.32 at platform 4D. I will be the one with the huge smile on my face when you step off from that train. Remember the album comes out until next year so please don’t pass it around a lot. 

Yours,

JC

PS: I will be thinking about you while performing some of these songs in our next couple of gigs.”

Bettina had already put the cd in the boombox and started playing the songs. She was very excited, she loved the single that was already out before I even met JC.

We played the cd at least 4 times in a row. It was great. The harmonies were flawless, the songs were great. JC sounded amazing in every one of them. I especially loved For the girl who has everything and Sailing. There was so much emotion in JC’s voice. 

After our little listening party I rushed to the phone, I needed to let my parents know I would be out of town and give them the schedule I had already put together. I talked to my mom for a little while, I really wanted to tell her everything but the phone call would’ve been too long. I was already writing a letter to her and my sister with the details of my latest adventure so I quickly asked to talk to my dad to give him all the details of the trip. Then we said our goodbyes and scheduled our next phone call. As I put down the receiver I frowned because I couldn’t really call JC, I never knew where he was at any given time. We only really talked when he called. 

The next few days went by quite quickly. I had already started doing some Christmas shopping. I loved going to the Weinachtsmarkt, which is a very cool German tradition. It’s actually nothing more than a Christmas market but the one in Dortmund was famous for having the tallest Christmas tree and the best Glûhwein, an amazing just slightly gross beverage that consists of warm red wine with spices. It’s gross but so good! Plus it goes straight to your head and makes your belly warm. I even found the perfect present for JC and was excited to see him. Only 2 days to go and I would be spending 5 whole days with him. 

The day finally came. I was very nervous. I was to meet JC upon arrival. He had insisted, although I had to go straight to my friend’s house because he had to prepare for the show that night. I was very excited to watch him perform again. I stepped into the train, ticket in hand, heart racing.

A very long 4 hours later, the train started to slow down waking me from a slumber. I quickly sat up and gathered my bag. Heart racing again. 

I stepped onto the platform, a little tired, I rubbed one of my eyes as I started walking. I blinked hard and I saw him. Standing there, looking at me, smiling, beaming, with his hands in his pockets. Without thinking I dropped my bag and ran towards him throwing myself into his arms as he grabbed me and spun me around while I squealed. He put me down, grabbed my face and planted the most amazing kiss on my lips. I surrendered in his arms, if he hadn’t been holding me up I would’ve been putty on the floor. 

He grabbed my hand laughing as he started walking towards my bag on the floor. “You’re gonna lose all your stuff,” he added laughing as he bent down and threw the bag over his shoulder. We got into a taxi and drove straight to my friend’s house. It wasn’t that far away from where JC was staying and not too far away from the club where they would be performing that night. We got out of the car and I quickly remembered the number of the apartment Frieda had given me. 3H. So I browsed the numbers and rang the bell when I found it. She buzzed us in when I had announced myself and we walked up the stairs with JC, holding hands. 

Frieda received me with a huge hug as she was holding the door to her apartment wide open when we reached her floor. I introduced JC and we walked inside. Frieda had been one of my best friends back home, she was 2 years older than me, though, so she had graduated last year and moved to Berlin. It was hard keeping in touch but we somehow managed. 

She had already arranged a selection of cheese, cold cuts and some warm croissants for us to eat. Along with some wine and fruit. We settled into the living room and ate as we chatted. She was fascinated with the moving around aspect of being in show business. She wanted to know everything about the creative aspect, too. She was majoring in journalism so it didn’t surprise me. JC told us all about how he had started writing music a couple years into being in the MMC. He was always hungry to know more, he praised his vocal coach who they were still working with. He had learned to play guitar, piano and drums. He had written a lot of songs, they had even used one of the ones he wrote for a showcase they had done in Disney the year prior. 

I sat back on the couch, glass of wine in hand, and smiled. I watched them bounce the conversation back and forth and seemed to be enjoying themselves. I felt a warm sensation in my belly and realized I had been staring at JC. He winked at me and snapped me out of my trance, I just loved how he was trying to fit into my world. 

Finally JC announced he had to be going, he needed to go back to the guys and begin prepping for the show that night. He took two passes out of his coat and handed them to me. “This should give you both access to the backstage and everything”. I walked him out, he put his hands around my waist, I put my arms around his neck. “I’m so happy you’re here,” he whispered before lowering his mouth to mine. 

I walked back into the apartment as if walking on clouds and plopped down on the couch next to Frieda. She was smiling at me with wide open eyes. 

“You slut!” she said and threw a pillow at me. “He’s gorgeous!”

I threw my head back laughing. 

“So how is it?” she asked, raising both eyebrows. 

“What?”

“The sex?!?” I shifted uncomfortably and averted her gaze. “You haven’t?” she sat closer to me. 

“Well, no. We just met, shut up.” I grabbed the pillow and hugged it, feeling exposed. “Plus… you know I have never… you know.” Frieda rolled her eyes. 

“Yes, I know, I just hoped you had gotten over the whole sex for love thing. Sex is fun!” she laughed loudly. I looked at her and squinted. This had been a recurrent conversation for us. I had decided a while back that I was only going to lose my virginity with someone I loved, or at least cared about. Especially because I had wasted my first kiss on someone who was no one, after a night of drinking, so I at least wanted this to mean something. 

“You do know he’ll be expecting it?” 

My heart started racing again and I could feel the palms of my hands getting clammy. 

“I know,” I said quietly looking down. “I know.” 

“Well, my roommate is out of town so I’ll be taking her room. If you decide whatever, my room is all yours.” I looked at her and laughed, but still worried. 

After getting all dolled up we stepped outside and began our walk to the club. It was a beautiful night and we had a lot to catch up on, so we decided to walk the 12 blocks until we were there. The show was scheduled to begin at 11PM, we got there 15 minutes prior. We went inside, straight to the wardrobe to check our coats and to the bar. We ordered two beers and settled by a small table a couple feet from the stage. Frieda was telling me all about college life, why she decided to live off campus and the job she had started a couple months back in a bookstore a couple blocks from her apartment. She had found a very cool roommate, who she went to school with. 

Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there was JC standing behind me, wearing some kind of space pants and a white t-shirt. I smiled sweetly at him as he pecked me on the cheek. 

“I was afraid you weren’t gonna make it, I thought you’d come backstage, I gave you the passes,” he said with a pout. 

“I’m sorry babe, I thought you’d be busy,” I clung to his neck. 

“It’s fine,” he kissed me. “I just wanted a good luck kiss, bye.” he kissed me again and took off quickly. 

The lights dimmed, the music stopped. The show was starting. 

I can’t even begin to explain the magnetism these guys had when they were on stage. The chemistry that was so tangible, you felt like you knew them, like they were there for you only. The energy of their act was undeniable. Even Frieda was lost in the dynamics of it and she was a hip-hop kind of girl. 

JC was magnetic. The way he moved, the way he so obviously was enjoying himself, the way everyone was moved and touched by his perfect vocals. It was just an amazing performance altogether. Of course it helped that every time JC got a chance to seek me out in the audience he’d flirt blatantly. He even grabbed my hand a couple times.

“Friend, you guys are practically having sex right now with him right on stage, the looks he’s giving you! You need to get on that,” she said loudly in my ear. “Look at him! The guy is sex on a stick!” The show ended, the guys went backstage to change. 

They came out after a while, everyone was excited to see them. JC grabbed onto my hand the second he saw me and he didn't let it go for the remainder of the evening. We drank beer, we danced, we hung out. The two younger guys were the first to leave, their mothers were there and decided it had been enough for one night. They protested that it was Friday and they didn’t have to study the next day, it was in vain, they were dragged to their hotel nonetheless. 

Half an hour later Frieda was nowhere to be found, the last time I had seen her she had been doing shots with Joey over by the bar. JC’s hand was on my waist while he chatted about some synthesizer with one of the people in the band when I felt Frieda’s hand on my shoulder, I turned around to see her, Joey clinging to her side. She let me know she and Joey were going to go listen to some tunes back at her place, and to let myself in, as she handed me a key. JC turned to see us quickly, “Or you can go back with me to the hotel so you guys can have some privacy?” he said and then made a face like he regretted being so forward. 

“Awesome, bye!” said Joey and was quickly on his way. 

I looked sheepishly at JC. 

“I’m sorry… was that too forward? I just thought we could go back and hang?” he said. 

“It’s fine,” I kissed him softly. He wrapped his free hand around my waist and deepened the kiss while blindly searching for the table to set down his beer. I started getting dizzy, I didn’t know if it was the feeling of JC’s body on mine or the 5 or 6 beers I had already had but my head felt empty. JC broke our embrace slightly and whispered, almost panting “Wanna get out of here?”

I can’t even remember how we got to the hotel. I only remember wet kisses and hands on my hair, on my waist, messing up his hair, feeling the muscles on his back. I remember running through the hall shushing JC who had gotten a little loud, we got to the door and he fumbled with the keys while I stood huddled to his chest and ran a trail of small kisses all the way from his ear down his perfect jawline to his chin. He giggled and told me to stop. He finally put the key in the door and started to turn it. “You know what? It drove me absolutely crazy hearing you call me babe earlier.” he said as he quickly pulled me into the room by my arm. I laughed hysterically as I sat on the bed taking off my big coat and my shoes. JC walked over the small table under a small mirror and took a water bottle and handed it over, then took off his coat. I opened the bottle and took a couple sips looking around. The room was very small, a medium sized bed in the middle, a small table with two chairs under a small mirror. Bad lightning, aTV and a small bathroom. Nothing fancy. But it was very neat, a suitcase sat with the zipper undone but closed on one of the chairs. There were a couple of shirts neatly folded on the table next to two other bottles of water. I felt a little drunk, and my vision was slightly blurry. 

JC stood in front of me and pulled me up to my feet, took the water bottle and placed it on the table. He towered over me, I looked into his eyes and was lost in a sea of blue. I looked a little closer and discovered a few golden specs near his irises. I sighed, a trembly sigh. 

“Hi,” he whispered softly. One hand placed on the small of my back, the other one cupping my cheek, he kissed me slowly at first but then pulled me closer by applying pressure to my back and deepened the kiss. His tongue exploring every corner of my mouth. I felt a guttural moan leave his body and I trembled. I started getting dizzy again, the taste of his mouth was driving me insane. He slowly guided me down onto the bed not breaking the kiss. When my head hit the pillow he moved on to my chin, to my neck. He found my collarbone and kissed me there making me weak. His hand moved from my waist to my hips and he ran it all the way to the back of my thigh until he grabbed the back of my knee bending it, making the space between us smaller. I could feel the weight of his body on me. The roll of his hips against mine. I started breathing very heavily. My mind was running a thousand miles per hour. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do anything. I was losing myself in him. As he kissed my neck and caressed my thigh I heard him moan softly, which made me get into my head, I looked around the room as JC’s breathing got a little more irregular. The boy who had always been so controlled and together was starting to get restless. I could feel him start to lose control as one of his hands found its way under the back of my shirt and the other one started to grab my ass. 

“You taste so good,” he whispered softly, “I’ve been thinking about this all day.” He kissed me on the mouth again but must’ve sensed something wasn’t right. I was hyperventilating and I felt my body start to tense up. I had released my grip on his arm and now my arms were just lying to my sides, my hands rolled up into fists, my eyes tightly closed. 

He immediately stopped, pushed himself slightly off the bed and looked at me. “Hey, hey,” he said quietly to get me to open my eyes. “Baby are you okay?” he whispered with genuine concern in his eyes. 

I opened my eyes slowly, trying not to look at him. “I’m sorry,” I said looking away. “I’m sorry.” I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes. 

“Hey, pretty girl,” JC said again now propped up on his elbow, lying on his side next to me. He took my chin in his free hand forcing me to look at him. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready to do. I didn’t bring you back here to have sex with you… I mean, I wouldn’t say no…” he said playfully. I smiled. “There you go, pretty girl with a pretty smile.” He leaned towards me and kissed my nose. “I am completely and utterly attracted to you, so yeah, of course I would love to sleep with you, but that was not what this is about. I just want to spend time with you, that’s it.” He said. 

“Plus,” he said, now sitting up and crossing his legs. “We’ve had a lot to drink, we’re tired. It was already a fun night, wanna call it and go to sleep?” My eyes filled with tears again as I nodded slowly. “Awesome, plus, it’s Friday the 13th.” he told me as he jumped off the bed, rushed to his suitcase which flew open and he handed me a T-shirt and some shorts. 

“Well, it’s already Saturday,'' I said looking at the alarm clock sitting on one of the bedside tables.” “Ha!” he chuckled loudly, throwing his head back. “We survived!” I laughed, feeling a little more relaxed but still kind of guilty and ashamed. 

“Here, I’ll go change in the bathroom, you can change here.” I was already sitting on the bed, he bent down, kissed my forehead and ran into the bathroom. When he came out he motioned for me to go in. He had left an unopened toothbrush on the sink for me. When I came out, he was already under the covers and motioned for me to get in next to him. I slowly crawled into bed and laid my head on his chest. He rolled me over, pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around my waist. 

“Good night babe,” he whispered in my ear as we quickly fell asleep in each other’s arms. 

I woke up with JC’s arm on my belly as he slept face down beside me. I grinned to myself as I slowly started stretching. Suddenly every second of the previous evening started flashing in my head and I started feeling ashamed again. I closed my eyes hard and sighed loudly. I felt JC shift and grunt. I tried to get out from under his limp limb but the weight of his arm on my abdomen just got heavier and then he laughed softly. 

“Trying to run away?” he said with a hoarse voice. He cleared his throat and turned to look at me. His hair messed up from sleeping gave him a childlike appearance. He turned so he was on his back and motioned for me to come closer. I slid onto his side and laid my head on his chest, he put his arm around my shoulder and rubbed my arm up and down. 

“Hi,” he whispered now and kissed my forehead. “Did you sleep alright?” I nodded. A cotton-like sensation in my mouth, most likely from the light hangover I was nursing.  JC handed me the water bottle he had placed on the night stand last night. I gladly accepted it and drank half of it, then handed it over to him and he drank the other half. 

“So,” I said shyly. 

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. You don’t have to explain yourself.” he said in a very serious manner. I sat up now with one leg on top of the other. 

“I want to,” I said looking down at my hands. “I don’t want you to think I’m a tease or anything… it’s just that I… have never,” the volume of my voice decreasing with every word. 

“Hey, it’s ok,” he put his hand on my knee and rubbed with his thumb.. “Listen, sex is great… but sex with the right person is pretty awesome. So don’t worry. I’d be honored if you decided I was the one you wanted to take that step with, if you’re not ready, I’d still be honored to get to spend a little more time with you. Ok?” 

We decided to go get breakfast by ourselves because JC didn’t want it to be awkward for me with the guys assuming something had happened last night. He’d deal with them later. They were scheduled for a luncheon with the BMG Ariola Munich people and then a photo shoot in the afternoon. We found a small café not far from the hotel, in the direction of Frieda’s apartment. We settled down, ordered coffee, a bread basket and some jams, nutella and butter. 

“Don’t you miss just having eggs for breakfast? JC asked as he grabbed a piece of baguette and smothered it with nutella. 

“I don’t know, I really love the bread here,” I said taking a bite, “Although, I think I should be concerned that your shorts fit me so well.” I joked with a frown. JC snorted loudly. 

“So I haven’t gotten to tell you what I thought about the album,” I said smiling. JC looked up with a mouth full of food. 

“Well?” he asked without swallowing. I gushed about it. His eyes lighting up with every compliment, he even blushed and had to look away once or twice. 

“You’re only saying that because you wanna get into my pants,” he said, shaking his head, making me blush this time so that I had to cover my face with my hands. 

We found our way to Frieda’s building and as I stood on the step leading to the front door and took out the key, JC turned me around so we were facing each other, eye level. 

“I wish I could stay with you and not go smile at people I don’t know.” he said putting his hands on my waist and pulling me closer. “They talk in german most of the time so I understand nothing. It’s boring” he pouted. 

“Listen, the minute you can get away there will be a nice home cooked dinner waiting for you.” He gave me a half smile and buried his face between my shoulder and my neck. 

“God I like you, so much.” he sighed. “I’m a little crazy about you.” 

“I am a lot crazy about you, sir.” He put his lips to my neck and brushed them up to my ear where he softly bit on my earlobe, then lips brushed against my cheek until they found my own lips. 

Watching him go was always hard. He started walking away, turned around to look at me and winked, making my heart melt. He always acted like he didn’t know how sexy he was, but he knew. 

I walked slowly into the apartment. Whatever had happened there last night I did not want to see. But there was no one in sight, only a couple glasses on the coffee table in the living room. I heard the shower running and I hoped Frieda was in there alone. I plopped down on the couch and turned on the TV. I sank into the soft cushions, closed my eyes and tried to relax. A montage of last night’s events replayed in my mind. Was I regretting not going through with it? Was it guilt what I was feeling?

“Hey, how’d it go with the hunk?” Frieda startled me out of my thought spiral as she walked out of the bathroom and into the living room wearing a bathrobe and a towel on her head. 

“It didn’t,” I said quietly and proceeded to recount every humiliating detail. 

“Wow,” Frieda said with a surprised look on her face while I grabbed my face in agony. “He’s super cool… I love him. ” 

She walked over to the kitchen and put the kettle on. “let me just get dressed and we’ll have a long conversation about it.”

We sat in the living room with hot cups of tea steaming in our hands. After going through every detail of her night with Joey Frieda asked me what had happened, what had made me freak out in the end. 

“Is he a sloppy kisser?” she asked.

“What? Oh no, he’s a wonderful kisser But I really don’t know what came over me. It all started to feel too real.” 

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you hon, he seems like a nice guy. Joey even said it was weird he had stayed late in the club the night you met them, apparently he’s the first one in bed almost every night.” I shrugged. “Listen, you don’t owe him anything. But really think about how he makes you feel. I mean, my first time was with a wonderful guy, we didn’t last but that’s a memory I’ll cherish forever.” 

How he made me feel was safe, and giddy, and sexy. 

We went down to the nearest store to buy some stuff so I could make JC dinner that night. Frieda quickly ate something when we got back to the apartment and was out the door. There was some book release going on at her job and she needed to be there. “Have fun!” she exclaimed as she ran out the door closing it behind her. 

I spent the next two hours mincing garlic, sauteing onion, boiling water, salting, whisking. Finally a buzz made me jump startled. I quickly jumped over to the intercom and let JC up. I opened the door and waited for him to come up. He walked slowly through the hall, his hands in his coat pockets. He was smiling when he reached the door but his eyes looked tired, less bright than usual. 

“Hi,” I whispered looking up at him. 

“My face hurts from smiling,” he said and immediately buried his face in my hair, between my collarbone and my neck. I chuckled softly. “Your face hurts because you’re too handsome.” 

“Ha!”he exclaimed as he took my hand and led me back into the apartment. “Come on, it smells amazing in here and I’m starving.” 

We dug into the meal I had prepared. Cheese and Spinach ravioli in a creamy basil sauce with leafy greens and cherry tomatoes in a balsamic reduction. 

By the second plateful and glass of wine JC pushed his plate away and rubbed his belly leaning back on his chair. “That was the best meal I’ve had in months.” 

I was hypnotized by him. He had somehow managed to talk for 15 straight minutes about the origin of balsamic vinegar, and I was enthralled. 

I cleared the table and as I took the last glasses from it he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me onto his lap. 

“I missed you,” he whispered. Eyes closed, forehead pressed to my cheek. 

“I missed you, too,” his mouth found mine, pressing his lips sweetly against mine. His hand resting softly on my thigh and the other one in my hair on the back of my neck. 

I pulled myself back with my eyes still closed, bit my lower lip. “I guess I can clean this up later,” like a gazelle he jumped off the chair and pulled me into the bedroom. We fell down on the bed laughing. He propped himself up on one elbow and turned to me, his hand on my waist. He pushed himself off the bed a little, searching for my lips. We lay there in each other’s arms lost in each other for a little while. I excused myself to go change into something more comfortable. While I was in the bathroom checking my lipstick and changing into my nightie something Frieda said kept replaying in my head: “What will you regret more? Sleeping with him, or not doing it?” I stepped out of the bathroom and tried to put on a seductive look but when I walked into the room JC was sprawled onto the bed, fast asleep. He looked so peaceful and pretty, eyes closed, long black lashes against rosy cheeks. His breathing slow and steady. I grabbed a blanket and put in on him as I crawled beside him, kissed his cheek and went to sleep. 

I woke up huddled up to him. His intoxicating smell filling my nose. I took a deep breath still with my eyes closed and smiled. I felt him move and looked up. 

“Hey pretty girl,” kissed me on the top of the head. “That was the best sleep I've had in months, we should sleep together every night.” I blushed. He laughed. 

After a couple minutes of lazy chit chat we decided to get going. We were going to be tourists today.

We started the tour at the Reichstag, Berlin’s parliament building, where we rode to the terrace and the view of the city took our breath away. JC had picked up a book that had all the places to see. Then we walked into the Tiergarten, an amazing park filled with a lot of monuments including the Soviet War Memorial and the Siegessâule which commemorates the founding of the German Empire. Then we stopped at the Brandenburg Gate. Being surrounded by all this history was incredibly stimulating and JC was geeking out about the architecture, which was incredibly adorable. Walking through the crowded streets stealing kisses and glances, telling jokes, laughing, getting to know each other and enjoying each others’ company, it was heaven. 

We visited the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. It was very emotional standing there, staring at the concrete slabs, all 2000 of them, taking in the emotional meaning of each one of them. 

We stopped for lunch at the Berliner Dom and spent the afternoon at Museum Island. We discovered we both loved art so the one we enjoyed most was the Alte Nationalgalerie. We took a detour to find the Berlin Wall finishing up at Alexanderplatz and rode all the way up the Berlin Fernsehturm. 

As we stood on the observation deck, JC behind me, arms wrapped around my waist, my hands on his arms, he sighed deeply, kissed my neck and whispered, “This has been the best day.” 

We were pretty beat so we decided to take a taxi back. JC had asked me if I wanted him to drop me off at Frieda’s, to which I replied coyly looking at him from under my lashes. “I actually would much rather spend the night at your place,” his eyes lit up a little but tried to remain composed. “Sure.” 

Back at the hotel we walked through the hallway silently, hand in hand. He fumbled again with the keys, he seemed almost nervous. I was. 

Inside the room I threw my bag on one of the chairs and took off my coat and shoes. JC did the same. He walked over to me slowly, his eyes seemed bigger. He bent down to kiss me. I pulled myself up by his neck and deepened the kiss, his hands firmly planted on my waist. 

“We don’t have to-” I cut him off by forcefully kissing him again. I wanted him. I had wanted him since the moment his lips first touched mine and now I was sure of it. His hands started roaming my body, from my waist to my back, to my ass. My hands lost in his hair, pulling on it slightly. A moan escaped my lips when he let them free and started focusing on my neck, my collarbone. He started undoing the buttons of my shirt with one hand while the other hand found its way to the back under the shirt caressing my skin. I pushed him off slightly and started to pull on his shirt, he pulled it off his head with one swift move. I placed both my hand on his chest admiring his skinny but very toned torso, then bent slowly and kissed his pecs. He threw his head back with eyes closed and bit his lip. He picked me up by the waist and slowly carried me to the bed, laying me down softly. He kissed me passionately one more time. I was losing my mind, intoxicated by his smell, by his kisses by his hands on me. 

I remember every kiss, every touch, every part of my skin that came in contact with his. I remember the moans he made, the tenderness of his movements, the little drops of sweat on his forehead. I remember the way he tasted and the way he looked at me and how he made me feel. I felt wanted, I felt sexy but most of all I felt safe. 

“Oh JC,” I whispered as he kissed my neck, my body writhing under his touch, my hands in his hair. 

“You’re incredible Kiki,” he replied. 

At the height of passion he had pinned one of my hands over my head. “Look at me,” he said, panting. Our breaths had found a rhythm. I opened my eyes and found him staring back at me. Lustful yet tender bright blue eyes, and I lost myself in them as we became one.

Chapter 5

I stood in the hall of the University along with a group of other potential new students. it was cold and I couldn’t really pay attention. My mind kept wandering to the events of last night. The warmth of JC’s body against mine, the taste of his mouth, the look in his eyes. I snapped out of it feeling flushed, suddenly it wasn’t so cold anymore. I looked around me and tried to play it cool as I walked along with the group to where we were being guided to. We visited the library, the classrooms, the offices. It was an amazing place, filled with history and knowledge. After lunch we were to meet at the University Hospital to meet with some of the professors. It was actually very interesting but I was counting the minutes before I could go back to JC to see him again and maybe do what we did last night all over again. 

It would be late until I got to see him. They were doing the radio station circuit today and it would take all day, then they were doing a nighttime TV show. I had to pack and wanted to spend some time with Frieda. I was leaving in the morning. 

We had agreed he’d come over so I tried to wait up for him, we didn’t really agree on a specific time because he had no idea when he would be done. We settled with Frieda in front of the TV to watch them. JC had apologized a thousand times for not being able to get us passes. I had pouted but I understood. With a bowl of noodle salad and a glass of sparkling water I settled down and enjoyed watching them. The performance was flawless, they looked great. Justin and Lance were cute, Chris and Joey were very handsome and JC was a mixture of both. It made me laugh how they struggled to understand the translator speaking to them in their ear over the earpiece, the interviews were always awkward because of that. JC had joked that they really needed a better translator and that I should apply for the job. 

The show was over at 10.30, I looked up at the clock and it was 12.30, I was cuddled on the sofa wrapped in a blanket with a book in my hand trying to stay awake, a battle I soon lost. 

Suddenly the buzzer woke me up in a startle. It took me a second to realize where I was. I turned to look at the clock, 1:45. I stretched and hopped over to the buzzer to let JC in. Opened the door and stood in the doorway holding the blanket over my shoulders. He walked slowly through the hallway, the tiredness in his face apparent from a mile away. I smiled softly at him as he went directly to wrap his arms around me, without saying a word. 

“You look like shit,” I whispered which caused him to burst out laughing. 

“I feel like shit,” he said as we walked in. “I’m sorry,” he said to me as we finally reached the bed. He threw himself on it, groaning loudly. “They dragged us to this party after the show. It was hot and crowded and I just wanted to leave.” 

I sat beside him as he put his head on my lap and I ran my fingers through his thick hair. The dark circles under his eyes were more apparent than ever. He blinked slowly and continued to try to talk between yawns. 

“Don’t worry, I’m just glad you’re here,” I said laying down beside him and cuddling up to him. He leaned towards me and pecked me on the lips. 

“I’ve missed you like crazy all day,” another yawn. I softly stroked his chest and noticed he was struggling to keep his eyes open. I kissed his cheek sweetly as we both drifted off to sleep. 

The sun creeped through the window into the room. I had been awake for a little while and just laid beside JC. Propped up onto my elbow watching his chest rise and fall rhythmically. His long eyelashes fluttered from time to time. I sighed as I felt my chest tighten up as I thought about not seeing him everyday. JC shifted slowly and started opening up his eyes. 

“Hi,” he whispered and cleared his throat. “You’ve been up long?” I shook my head. 

“Just like watching you sleep,” I put my hand on his cheek and caressed it. 

“See? You’re totally a stalker,” he replied playfully. 

“I am.” He laughed. I jumped from the bed and went into my bag and pulled a little box from it. 

“So, I know it’s cheesy but I got you something for Christmas.” He sat up with his eyes open wide. “You did?” he said excitedly. “I mean you totally didn’t have to, but I love presents.” A childish grin had crept onto his face. 

“But wait I wanna go first,” he stretched over to his jacket and pulled something from the pocket. A book. “So, it’s kinda stupid,” he said sitting on the bed with his legs straight. He grabbed my hand and led me to him, pulling me onto his lap until I was straddling him. “I noticed you’ve had a different book with you every time we’ve met, and I finally remembered who you remind me of, with your beautiful face and big eyes and dark hair and awesome wit.” he turned the book over and I could read the title “Gone with the Wind”. “This is my copy, I want you to have it, and think of me when you read it, especially the scene after the Atlanta fire.” “Hey no spoilers!” I said hitting him over the shoulder with the back of my hand and reaching for the book. I took it from him and then put my arms around his neck. We kissed, one of his hands cupping my cheek. “Thank you, I love it,” I whispered. 

“Now you,” he said, lifting his eyebrows. I smiled a huge smile. 

“I saw it at the Weinachtsmarkt back in Dortmund and it made me think of you,” I told him and handed him the small box. He opened it slowly. 

“Oh wow I love it!” He said with big bright eyes. “Help me put it on.” I grabbed the leather string and pulled myself up until I was kneeling on the bed with JC between my knees and put it around his neck tying a small knot with both ends. 

“Ooops I think I tied it on too tight.” I said sitting down on his lap again. 

He pressed his lips against mine. “It’s fine, this Leo pendant is never leaving my neck.” He whispered kissing me again, one hand in the back of my neck, the other one creeping up on my thigh. I wrapped both arms around him and let myself get lost in him all over again. 

We made plans to meet again in Köln for New Years. *Nsync would have 5 days off before flying to Sweden to re-record some vocals before the finishing touches could be made on the record. JC had already cleared it with management and with the rest of the guys. I was so happy I was going to get to see him again and it was only a week away. Back in Dortmund I made sure I stayed occupied so I wouldn’t go crazy counting the seconds until New Years, which wasn’t hard because I had a lot of things to do. When I got back from Köln I’d be only one week away from going home and I had a lot of assignments left to do. 

Köln was heaven. No school, no interviews, no shows, no late night TV appearances. We were staying with my group of friends at a cute town house a couple kilometers from town center. My friends loved having JC around. Most of them had already seen him on TV, I mean in the last couple of weeks they had been everywhere. They always wanted to hang out and JC was a sweetheart, but we still had a lot of time to be alone. 

We really got into the coupley things to do around Kôln. We took walks along the Rhein river, we visited a couple of museums, we did the romantic dinner thing. Especially lovely was a little picnic we arranged on december 31st at the Rheinpark. The weather was nice, not too cold but not warm either. We were attending a big Sylvester party that night so we decided to have a very late lunch. I was sitting down on a blanket on the grass with my ankles crossed, his head on my lap while he laid on his back, eyes closed. A group of children playing tag in the background, couples walking along the pathway. My hands were in his hair, scratching softly at his scalp, my head leaned back while I stared at the setting sun. 

Suddenly he took a deep, long sigh. He opened his eyes and rolled them back to look at me. He then rolled over to his tummy and placed his chin on my thigh. 

“So what’s 1997 looking like for you?” he asked. 

I gave him a half smile, “a little gray since you’ll be here and I’ll be halfway around the world,” I replied, still looking into the sky. He started running one of his fingers up and down my thigh, making little figures with the tip. 

“Listen, I…” JC started sitting up. I put my hand on his chest, leaned forward and pecked him on the lips. 

“Can we please not talk about this right now? Seems like a conversation for another year.” He smiled and pecked me back so we went back to enjoying the sunset and being blissfully oblivious to our impending misery. 

We walked into a big tent that had been set up for the party. I had settled on a plaid mini skirt with a white V neck blouse and thick wool tights down to my ankle height black boots. My hair was in a half ponytail. JC was wearing baggy navy blue jeans and a white buttoned up, long sleeved shirt and his million dollar smile. 

We danced, we drank, we had a great time. We kissed at midnight and around 3AM decided to call it a night. We walked to the house, one of his arms around my shoulders, me clinging to his torso. We walked slowly, taking in the dawning air. When we got home we climbed right into bed, a mess of limbs as we hungrily got rid of clothes and let passion take over. He already knew how to touch me, where to kiss me, how to drive me insane and I just let myself get caught up in it, enjoying every second of it. 

“This was a very nice way to start a year,” he said laughing as I laid on top of him with my head on his chest, feeling it rise and fall slowly, his arms around my waist, I was already drifting off to sleep as I chuckled softly. 

The next two days were a blur. We spent most of new year’s day in bed. Eating, reading, watching TV, shutting the outside world out. 

“So I’m leaving tomorrow,” I said as I handed him a steaming hot of tea and sat with my legs folded under me. JC looked up from his book and closed it laying it on the bed, taking the cup from me. 

“It’s time for the talk?” he asked. I nodded. 

“I guess it’s time,” I replied looking down to my hands. 

JC put the cup on the nightstand and scooted over on the bed closer to me. He pulled me close, my back to his chest and put his arms around me, holding me tight, his legs to both sides of me. He placed his chin on my shoulder. 

“Listen” he started. “I’ve done the whole long distance thing, and it didn't really work out.” 

“And that’s with someone you were eventually going home to,” I added. I turned around so I was now facing him, both my hands on his knees, his eyes fixated on the bed. 

“I am not delusional, babe,” his eyes wide, as he listened, “I knew what this was since the beginning, we already had an expiration date. I don’t expect you to make any promises to me. It’s been amazing, but it is what it is. You have a brilliant career awaiting for you, I need to go home and figure out what I'm going to do.” 

He pulled me to him and sat me down on his lap. 

“I wish it could be different,” he said almost in a whisper. “I just need you to know this has really been special to me. I’ll keep you close to my heart forever.” He looked right into my eyes as he grabbed the little lion stone hanging from the leather strings around his neck and squeezed it. 

36 hours later we were standing in the train station. His train was leaving earlier than mine, he was on his way to Frankfurt where he would meet the guys and board a plane straight to Sweden and back to work. 

We were standing glued to each other, his hands around my waist, mine around his neck. His forehead pressed against mine. 

He bent down slowly and kissed me sweetly, one hand in my hair, the other one cupping my cheek as a tear rolled down and wet his fingers.

I didn’t say anything but I knew I had fallen in love with him and this was killing me. He broke the kiss slowly and wiped away my tears, a miserable look on his face. 

He took his bag and put it on his shoulder, grabbed my hand and pulled me in for another kiss. I tried to make it last longer and pressed my body against his. 

“We’ll find each other again,” he said, looking into my eyes and then walking away, leaving me devastated on platform 12 at Köln Hauptbahnhof.

It had been four months since I had been back home. Everything had started to settle into a rhythm, which hadn’t been easy. There was definitely an adjustment to life AC, after Chasez. But instead of being sad, the time I spent with JC made me feel more confident, more secure, more sexy. 

I tried to stay busy so I wouldn’t torture myself thinking about him, though, which wasn’t all that hard, senior year of high school, college applications, partying, etc usually kept me pretty ocuppied. I still allowed myself to think about him from time to time. The most ridiculous things would trigger a memory. Like the one time I spent 5 minutes staring at a bottle of balsamic vinegar until my mom had to snap me out of it. 

What didn’t seem to change, no matter how much time passed, was me looking through every row of cds searching for his album in every music store I could find. I don’t think it had been released in Europe yet and we didn’t get stuff until much, much later but I still looked, wanting to see his face. I guess I could’ve just looked at the photos we had taken of us, but that was a Pandora’s box I rarely let myself open. 

What I usually thought about was the last phone call. The night before I left Germany, he had called. The conversation was awkward and kind of sad, but the words he said when he said goodbye stuck to me, more so than the first time he said them to me. “Don’t worry pretty girl, we will find each other again.” 

It was a Tuesday afternoon when I got it. I came home from school like everyday, I threw my backpack on the stool next to the breakfast table. My mom was in the kitchen holding a cup of coffee. 

“Hi honey, how was school?” she asked. “You got a letter.” she spoke again with a slight smirk on her face before I could answer the previous question. I looked at her funny, she was up to something. I opened my eyes wide, my first thought was that one of the colleges I applied to had replied, but then I remembered I hadn’t shipped my applications yet. She smiled wider and handed me an envelope with a ton of stamps on it, I took it and my heart leaped when I saw the name scribbled on the upper left corner: Josh Chasez. 

“What? How?” I asked and started opening it trying not to tear it, my hands shaking. We decided we wouldn’t contact each other, we didn’t even exchange addresses. Part of it we decided because JC wouldn’t have a fixed address for months while he was over in Europe, and part of it because we didn’t want to be hung up on each other. I finally got the letter open and took a deep breath as I started reading. 

“My dear pretty girl,

I have to apologize in advance for the messines of the letter. I have been working on it for a couple weeks now, this is the third draft. I know we said no writing but I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, and I don’t really know why I should. 

I miss you. I miss seeing you, I miss talking to you, I miss kissing you, I miss touching you… I could go all night. 

I know you are wondering how I managed to get this letter to you, well, I stalked Frieda and she finally gave in. (It actually wasn’t that hard, she’s a sweetheart). 

I want to know how you are doing? How is school? Some people over here told us college applications will be due soon, are you done with yours? Did you finally make up your mind about being a doctor? Did you decide on college over here in Europe or back home? 

Here it’s been crazy. We finished with the re-recording of the tracks about two weeks after you were gone. The album is supposed to be released in may here in Europe, so just one month to go right now. I have no idea how long this letter will take to reach you. Did you finish the book? 

We’re finishing up the tour in Europe and then heading for Asia. I am very excited. I am going to eat all the sushi and indian food I can get my hands on. 

The crowds have been amazing, the single is doing very well on radio and sales, too apparently. I feel like this is our big break. I still get a little homesick from time to time, it was especially bad after you were gone. Chris and Joey wanted me to party more with them, but I really didn’t feel like it. I’m better now. I hope you haven’t forgotten about me, but I also hope you’re not missing me as much as I miss you. I really really hope you are enjoying your senior year of high school. 

I don’t know what else to write, it’s very late over here, and you must be bored already. Please write me back, I’m writing down my parents’ address in Maryland, they have been instructed to forward any mail to wherever I am, I guess that’s going to be the easiest way, even if it takes a little longer. 

Yours always, JC”

I plopped down onto the stool next to my mother. Blank stare. Tears in my eyes. Goosebumps running up and down my arms and spine. My mother put her hand on mine and squeezed lightly. “Are you okay?” she whispered. A flurry of emotions running around my head, my chest. 

“I am great,” I said finally looking up at her with a stupid grin on my face. I grabbed the letter and ran up to my room. “You are unbelievable Chasez,” I mumbled as I looked around for a pad and a pen. 

This is how it began. The back and forth correspondence. Every 3 to 4 weeks I’d receive a letter that would be filled with every adventure the boys from Nsync had. Tales from far far away in the Philippines, Japan, you name it. Tales of concerts and hordes of screaming fans that would start to get bigger and bigger. Parties, events, festivals. It all sounded so unreal and the way JC described everything, he seemed to be in awe of everything that was going on. He would get technical while describing the shows and I loved to imagine him geeking out over technique and being pushy with the rest of the guys. 

My letters were boring in comparison, but JC was always so excited to hear about my parties and classes, and college applications, road trips and just regular school life, which made me feel very good, and appreciated. 

We had managed to stay in each other’s lives even if we really weren’t there. I expected the letters, they were rarely late. However the summer of 1997 came and a letter came earlier than expected. I opened it quickly and smiled as I expected the messy handwriting and the usual coffee or food stain on the paper. He would even write with different colored pens because it would take him a while to finish one letter. This one was different:

“My pretty girl,

We’re back home. Arrived in Orlando today. Expect letters to arrive sooner. I still miss you,

Kisses.”

He hadn’t mentioned him coming home in any earlier letters. I sat looking at the single paper in my hand with a bewildered look in my face. 

Just as he predicted, the letters started coming sooner, and so mine went, and his came. He explained they hadn’t known they’d be back until a couple weeks before and he didn’t have time to write to me, he knew the letter wouldn’t have reached me before he was in the U.S. The plan was to release the album in America and depending on how it did start a tour there. 

We even started talking on the phone every now and then. But I was especially fond of the letters. The phone calls were awkward at times, we were always pressed for time because of the long distance fees. With the letters we often took our time, they were very detailed. We shared our hopes and dreams, our frustrations and successes and just everyday occurrences that might’ve seemed banal and boring to the outside observer but they allowed us to feel close and be a part of each other’s lives. I especially loved when he shared song ideas with me, lyrics drafts, poems, thoughts. 

He was there when I made the decision to enroll in medical school. He was there when I decided to stay local and not go abroad for college. He was there for high school graduation, he was even there for first dates and first day of college. 

I was there for the release of the *Nsync American release, I was there when the label voiced their concern about it not meeting sales expectations and the restlessness that accompanied JC. I was there for moments of self doubt and falter in confidence. I was there as support, letting him know how amazing I thought he was. We had developed a relationship that evolved beyond the physical one we had started back in Germany, we had really started to open up to one another, to get to know each other. 

After the american release of the album he sent me a copy. I missed some of the songs I had heard live back in Germany but the album was amazing, he looked very handsome on the cover and he sounded amazing on it. They kept my favorite songs so that made me very happy. I let him know both on the phone and in a letter how amazing I thought all of it was. I even went out and bought a copy from the local record store to show some support. 

1998 came and after a couple of months of college and meeting new people and getting used to life after high school a plan was being made by some friends from school to go on a trip. I immediately thought of JC when I heard the potential destination. 

I rushed home and sat down with a deep breath before starting to write the letter. It was short and to the point, I didn’t want to sound too eager, I didn’t want to impose anything on him, I didn’t want to force a meeting but if we were to see each other, this could be it. 

“Hi JC,

I’m just going to write this very quickly before I lose my nerve. There is a group of people from school planning a trip for spring vacation and they’ve asked me to tag along if I am interested. We’re going to Disney World in May, will you be in Orlando?”

I stepped off the plane. My palms sweaty as I clutched over the bag that was hanging from my shoulder. JC’s letter with all his information neatly folded in the front pocket. I walked slowly trying to calm my nerves when one of the girls in our group grabbed me by the arm and hurried me down the aisle thing connecting the plane to the terminal. We were a group of 8 18-year-olds who had been loud the whole plane ride so we were getting dirty looks from all the other passengers, I was happy to get quickly out of there. 

As I stood waiting in the customs line I remembered the phone call I had gotten a few days after I had sent JC the letter. I had just come home from my last class of the day, when the phone rang. 

“Hola?”

“I will never get tired of that phone greeting,” my heart sank. It didn’t matter how many times we talked on the phone. 

“Babe,” I said in disbelief. 

“Pretty girl, you have no idea how happy you’ve made me,” he said with a sweet tone. As it turned out *Nsync had actually just agreed to do  a show for Disney in May and it was happening at the time I was planning to be there. 

The customs agent waving at me brought me back from my memory and I approached the little booth he was sitting in. 

“Business or pleasure?” he asked as I handed him my papers.  

“Definitely pleasure,” slipped out of my lips as a stupid grin took over my face. 

We arrived late at night and according to JC’s schedule they would be at rehearsal all night. The concert was two days away and a lot was riding on it. I got settled in my room at the hotel, I was bunking with Ana, a friend from college. We were staying at a small motel not far from downtown Orlando. We decided to settle in for the night after a quick dinner because we had a big day tomorrow. 

I had talked to JC on the phone early in the morning. We were going to Sea World and would be visiting MGM the day of the concert. The guys had gotten us all tickets and everyone was excited. 

I stood in front of the mirror nervously tugging at my jean skirt. I decided to wear a crochet knitted white halter top along with it and white sneakers. My shoulder length dark hair in my usual half ponytail. Ana looked at me and laughed. “You look gorgeous, quit it!” she said as she zipped up her bag and threw it on her shoulder.  

“Do I? I feel like fucking dying I’m so nervous,” I said and kept tugging at my clothes and my hair. 

“Listen, he’s a guy, you’re wearing a short skirt, you’ll be fine. I’ll be bunking with Gaby and Andrea next door just in case you guys need somewhere to be alone,” she said as she checked her lip gloss on the mirror. 

“Shut up,” I replied but secretly thanked her. We hadn’t even discussed sleeping arrangements. I didn’t want to seem pushy or needy. 

The ride to the amusement park was kind of long. It was hot out and I didn’t really engage with the rest of the group in the van because I was just too anxious about seeing JC. It had been almost 18 months since we had seen each other. So when we got into the park and neared the information kiosk, which we had agreed to meet at, my heart was going a thousand miles per minute. I walked quickly and almost stopped completely when I saw him standing in the agreed upon spot. 

Khaki cargo pants, white tank top under a short sleeved green checkered shirt buttoned up to mid-chest, sunglasses and a million dollar smile. His hair was back to being combed up and styled with gel instead of the short cut with small bangs he had been wearing in the last pictures he had sent me, he had filled up a little and didn’t look as skinny as the last time I had been with him. He was breathtaking to say the least. I had to summon all my strength not to immediately run to him. 

We walked to each other, not really knowing what to do. I just couldn’t believe he was really mere centimeters from me. “Hi,” I said, clutching my bag strap which was hung across my chest, a little tighter.

He smiled even bigger. “Hi,” he said back. And then instantly we started towards each other and melted into a hug. His scent filling my nose brought back all the emotions I had safely stored in the back of my mind and never let myself revisit. He wrapped his strong arms around my waist and squeezed tight, burying his nose in my hair. His lips were close to my neck and I could’ve just spontaneously combust right there. The next thing I knew his mouth was claiming mine and embracing me in a delicious kiss which made my knees falter a little so I clung tighter to his neck. 

When we finally parted I turned to look at my friends who were staring and laughing. I felt my face grow red as I grabbed JC by the hand and proceeded with introductions. He was gracious and charming and friendly and incredible with all my friends. Most of them had heard the single and seen the video and even the guys were a little star struck. I mean, to be in the presence of JC you felt a kind of way, he just had this aura about him that has always been indescriptible. 

The day was spent riding all the rides, seeing all the shows, eating all the junk and it was a blast. I had worried in vain that things were going to be awkward and weird between us but they weren’t. Conversation flowed with ease, we could talk about things that had happened in the last year and a half because it really felt like we had been there. And on the other hand, we had been away for so long that every touch, every kiss felt new. Every stolen glance and flirty smile was exhilarating. I felt like I had felt the first night we met back in Germany. He was also very touchy, holding my hand, placing his hand on my waist, on my back, on my thighs. It felt as though he was claiming me as his, and it felt very nice. 

Shortly after 5pm we parted ways with my group. They were going back to the motel to get ready to go out, JC and I were meeting his parents for dinner. I had almost died when he told me. 

“Are you kidding me? I'm not ready to meet your parents!” I had said with a terrified look on my face. 

“Oh come on, it’s like you know them already. We have talked so much about them. And they are dying to meet you.” They had come down to Orlando to be at the concert. Apparently part of the deal with Disney was to also record little interviews to get to know the guys better and that included their families. 

“I am not dressed appropriately to meet a mother, your mother!” I said as he dragged me by the hand to the park’s exit. 

“Kiki, you look beautiful. My mom won’t care!” I rolled my eyes at him as he opened the door to his jeep to let me in. 

“I am going to kill you,” I pouted after he jumped in and started the engine. Laughing, he backed up the car and we were on our way. 

On the drive to meet his parents he held my hand the whole time, rubbing little circles with his thumb on the back of my hand. He leaned in to kiss me at every red light, and I caught him looking at me from the corner of his eye more than once. 

Dinner was lovely. We met his parents and siblings at JC’s favorite sushi restaurant. He was right about his family being wonderful. His parents were loving and caring. You could really tell they were very proud of what their son had already accomplished and they knew he was still destined for amazing things. They were both very protective as well. His mother, Karen, was nice and chatty, but her questions directed towards me were inquisitive and direct, never intrusive. She made it clear JC, or Josh as she called him, had talked a lot about me and she had insisted on meeting me, despite her son’s reluctance to ever let her meet one of his “friends”, he had agreed. 

JC would squeeze my hand when he felt his mom being too fixated on me and tried to change the subject. I would smile sweetly at him and give him a reassuring look that it was ok, I actually found it quite endearing. 

His father, Roy, was very quiet but very observative. He would lightly squeeze his wife’s shoulder whenever she would start asking JC too many questions, or bugging him about getting enough sleep, to eat more, etc. 

Heather, his sister was the second oldest, she was fun and quirky but more on the quiet side. Tyler, the youngest, was loud and funny. The banter between him and JC was amazing. JC was so obviously protective of his young brother and Tyler was in awe of his big bro. There was a lot of teasing because I had never eaten sushi, let alone eaten sushi with chopsticks. JC tried to teach me and it led to him ending up with a couple of salmon chunks on his lap. 

The whole time during dinner there had been physical contact between us. His hand on my leg, on my hand, his shoulder would bump into mine for time to time, his foot would rub against mine under the table and he would flirt candidly while my face would turn to fire and I had to bury my face in my napkin. It was a blast seeing him interact with his family, it was obvious he felt safe with them and I was honored to be allowed to witness it. 

After dinner we said our goodbyes. Karen gave me a tight hug, 

“It was nice putting a face to the many, many stories Josh has shared with me. You are a lovely young lady and it was very nice to meet you,” she said earnestly. It made me feel warm. 

JC walked me to his jeep once more, hand in hand. Opened the door and before I jumped in he pulled me to him and planted a kiss on my lips. “That was amazing,” he said then let me get in the car, slapping me softly on the ass as I jumped on. 

He drove slowly, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the song playing on the radio. He came to a halt at a red light, turned to me with a devilish grin, “So I didn’t ask, but I’m assuming it’s cool if I crash with you tonight?” He said as his eyebrows shot up. I laughed. He had no idea how much I wanted him to take me back to my room. He had been staying at Lou’s for a while now and while his parents were visiting he decided to stay at the hotel with them just to spend more time with them. But tonight, he was all mine. 

We got to the motel and he found a parking spot near the room I was sharing with Ana. He jumped out of the car and before I could collect my bag and was about to open the door he already had run around the car to my side and opened the door for me. He helped me down and as soon as my feet hit the ground my mouth was sealed by his lips. We tried to walk between kisses and laughs until we finally reached the door. I fumbled with the keys and got the door open, he rushed past me and pulled me in. 

“I’m sorry for the m--,” I couldn’t get a sentence out because I was already being pinned to the wooden door by JC’s strong hands on my waist and his mouth impatiently attacking my own. His tongue caressing mine in a breathless kiss. 

He stepped back and stared into my eyes for a couple of seconds and then gave me a half smile. “I’ve been waiting all day to do this,” he said as he swiftly undid the strings from my halter top in the back of my neck and it fell to rest on my waist exposing my strapless bra. He laughed like a little boy and resumed kissing me and drowning my laughter with his mouth as his hands traveled up and down my back and torso. The kiss became deep and passionate causing me to moan into his mouth. He stopped to take a breath and then continued his exploring of my jaw, my neck, my collarbone with wet kisses. he started down my chest and I could feel his tongue peek out in between kisses, he continued on his trail between my breasts, down to my belly button where my top laid lazily on my hip bones, he undid the button on my skirt as he kissed my abdomen. 

“What are you doing?” I gasped out of breath trying to keep control, which was a losing battle. 

“Shh, shh, shh” he whispered and blew hot air on my belly button which caused me to surrender all control of my senses to him as he slowly slid my skirt off of my body. 

The assault to each other's bodies continued well into the night, until we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

The next morning I woke up with my head resting on JC’s chest, he was stroking my hair and humming while glancing idly at the ceiling. I kissed his chest, “Good morning” he mumbled as he kissed the top of my head. I made myself into a ball and scooted closer to his body. I laid my chin on his chest and looked up at him smiling. 

“So,º that was different,” I said, biting my lower lip. He chuckled making my head bounce up and down. “Seems like you’ve had some practice,” I added. The chuckling stopped and now he was glaring at me. I held his stare as he sat up a little. 

“And you haven’t?” he asked.

“Well,” I sat up a little, too. “I actually haven’t…” I looked down at my hands, “With anyone…” I looked up at him again, “Since...you.” My ears began to feel warm from embarrassment. 

“Really?” a bewildered look on his face. “What about?” I shook my head. “And..?” I shook my head again. I had dated people during our time apart, as had he. But nothing really stuck. 

“I mean, I’ve done things… but nothing like last night.” Now it was him who blushed slightly at my statement. 

I slid closer to him until his hands were on me. I sat in between his legs and grabbed his face in my hands. “You know how when you’ve had really amazing Swiss chocolate and then any candy bar just won’t do?,” he threw his head back and laughed. “Well… it’s kind of like that.” He eyed me closely, as a huge grin crawled onto his face. 

“So I am Swiss chocolate?” he asked as his hand rubbed my back up and down. 

“You are top quality, pure swiss chocolate.” I said seductively as I slowly climbed onto his lap and closed the space between us pressing my lips gently to his. 

After a little fooling around, getting ready and a big breakfast in the diner around the corner from the motel JC and I parted ways and agreed to see each other shortly before the concert. I went back to my group to start another day at a Park. 

We spent another day of riding rides and seeing shows, sans JC but I still walked on air as my friends would often point out. 

The park started filling up with excited fans. We proudly wore our VIP passes around our necks that allowed us into the backstage area and the area closest to the stage. 

Tyler came looking for me and accompanied me backstage before the concert started. JC and the guys were playing hacky sack, which they had begun doing back in Europe before every show as a good luck ritual. My heart was pounding with excitement as the cheering that came from the people outside became louder and louder. I could only imagine how the guys were feeling. They finally managed to all hit the ball and cheered in unison. I hugged the rest of the guys quickly and wished them good luck and finally fell into JC’s arms. I held tight to his neck and squeezed him. He was exhilarated and could hardly stand still. “Good luck,” I said, pulling him in for another hug, he smiled wider, kissed me on the lips and off he was. 

I returned to my group as close to the stage as we could get and settled for the best ride in the park. 

The show was amazing. I had already been in awe of them back in Germany but their performance was even more polished now. Their energy and chemistry on stage had  evolved into something fascinating. The choreography was cleaner, spotless. The vocals were flawless and the banter between the group and the audience was fun and light. I savored every second of the show and marveled at the energy in the crowd. We made fun of their outfits and danced along to every song. I sang my heart out with them, and was in awe of the energetic performance JC was putting on. Needless to say I was beyond turned on by watching him do what he did best. 

After the concert the guys still had to do some interviews so we decided to meet up at a club later to party the night away. 

The rest of the week was spent enjoying the parks and doing a lot of shopping during the day and spending the afternoon and nights with JC. It was the most fun I had ever had. After the concert their schedule had been rather quiet so we made the best out of the few days we had together. And the days really seemed to just fly by. 

We stood wrapped around each other in the parking lot of the motel, waiting for the airport shuttle that would take me away from his embrace. His face buried in the nook of my neck. He inhaled deeply and I felt him smiling against my skin. 

“What is it?” I asked, turning my head to face him. 

“I guess I was right,” he said leaning back to look at me. “We did find each other again, pretty girl.” I smirked at him. “We just need to find a way to find each other more often.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes. He took my hands and wrapped them around his waist and then rubbed the back of my arms up and down. 

“We do,” he said looking into my eyes intently. “I am not going another year and a half without you.” He bent in and grazed his lips against mine. My heart started racing as all the feelings that had resurfaced during the last couple of days started to bubble up in my chest. I wanted to say it, but somehow the words never found their way out of my mouth. I stood there silently with tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I bit the inside of my mouth and smiled crookedly. 

“We’ll have to work something out,” I managed to whisper before I felt my voice break. I buried my face in his chest and closed my hands in fists behind his back and squeezed him a little, choking back tears. He sighed deeply and rubbed his hand from my arm to my shoulder and cupped my cheek tilting my face up to his. 

“We will,” he kissed me. “I promise. I am not spending another spring break away from you.” 

“I’ve told you before, you don’t need to make me any promises,” I told him with muffled words against his shirt. 

When the van came around we broke our embrace. He helped me with my bags and then as I was about to hop on the vehicle, he pulled me close to him and kissed me deeply one last time. I opened my eyes when he pulled back and without looking at him I jumped on the van. 

He stood there, with sad eyes, hands in his pockets as the van slowly started its way to the airport. 

With one hand on the glass I watched longingly as his figure became smaller and smaller and let a single tear slip down my cheek as I whispered, “I love you.”

To call their rise to stardom meteoric, after the Disney Channel aired the concert special, would’ve been an understatement. According to JC the album wasn’t doing all that well before, but two weeks after that, it shot up right into the Top 10 on the Billboard charts and stayed there. And suddenly they were everywhere. 

By mid 1998 we were fully into the email thing and our correspondence was quicker. I still received some handwritten letters, though, and with time these were always my favorite. Email was used to catch each other up on daily occurrences and mundane things. The letters were always full of wonderful thoughts, lyrics and just things that were more personal for both of us. These would also come loaded with pictures or videos from their shows, little things that reminded us of each other. I usually sprayed a little perfume on mine so he wouldn’t forget my smell. 

I had secured a job at the campus Library, which provided me with a dial-up internet connection to be used whenever I wanted during my shifts. This allowed me to chat with JC whenever we would coincide in schedule to spend some time in front of the computer, which was a lot harder on his end. 

They began touring in June, all the way through september. Sometimes 2, 3 shows back to back. A little break in October and then back to it. They spent weeks on end on that tour bus. The times they had time to stop at a hotel were the times where I would get to chat a little on line, or I’d get a phone call. I imagined living so far away really didn’t make any difference, he still didn’t get to see his family all that much, or that “girlfriend” of his, who only popped up for big shows and big appearances. We hardly ever talked about our partners, but sometimes they came up in conversations and I hated it. 

I had started dating, too. I had actually been seeing this guy for almost 4 months now and it was starting to become serious. He didn’t know about JC, I assumed JC’s girlfriend didn’t know about me. There was nothing to know anyway. We had spent a week together in a far away land months and months ago, after having had a “fling” many more months ago. 

Yes, I was in love with him, and I felt like an idiot everyday because of it. So I decided the best way to get over someone… was to keep in constant contact with them and dream about the next time we would see each other. It was not my finest moment, but I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel, not yet. And it seemed he felt the same way. He was always the one to call, in part because he was moving around the US all the time. But he was also the one that kept sending emails and letters even if I let one or two go unanswered. It seemed like the minute I decided to try and let him go he would pop up and reel me back in. Into whatever it was we had. 

It had been a busy day at the library, I had been running around for almost two hours with all the kids in a frenzy with spring break two weeks away and midterms nearing. I walked into the little office in the back, where two books lay in front of my notepad, an empty notepad, for I was yet to have a little time to do some studying of my own. The afternoon rush seemed to be slowing down and there were only a couple of students scattered around the tables in the first floor. I had made my rounds on the second floor and checked the private cubicles for forgotten books to be rearranged, everything was in check. I sat down at the desk and prepared to dig into the fascinating world of biochemistry when the little ring came from the computer. 

JScott76 (18:45): Hey pretty girl

My heart started racing. Biochemistry be damned. I put the notepad on the book, closed the book and pushed it off the desk onto a chair. 

I sat close to the screen, my hands fast on the keyboard but stopped myself from replying too quickly. I needed to calm down. 

JScott76 (18:47): Are you there, honey?

I took a deep breath and tried to pull it together. “Every time Kiki? really?” I whispered to myself. 

PrettyGrl79 (18:48): Hi babe. 

JScott76 (18:48): So glad I caught you. I know you’re busy with midterms. 

PrettyGrl79 (18:48): Yah, just sitting down to study a little right now. 

JScott76 (18.49): Great… won’t keep you long then. Just wanted to wish you luck. We are just settling in the hotel, the show last night was awesome. We’ve been doing radio stuff all day. Finally get to sleep in a bed tonight. 

PrettyGrl76 (18:50): You’re not keeping me. I love hearing from you. 

PrettyGrl76 (18:50): Your SN always makes me laugh, mine is just ridiculous.

JScott76 (18:51): Hey! I hand picked that out for you. Well, Tyler helped me :)

PrettyGrl79 (18:51): yeah it’s a good thing you are the only one I ever use it with, it’s embarrassing. 

JScott76 (18:52): You are a girl, and you are pretty. What’s the problem? 

I smiled and bit my lip. Ever the charmer that man. 

JScott76 (18:54): How’s things? Too stressed about exams?

PrettyGrl79 (18:54): Not yet. Biochem is the day after tomorrow, not too worried. Anatomy is the one that’ll kick my ass. But then comes vacation in the Mayan Riviera so that’s something to look forward to. 

I tapped my fingers on the table. We hadn’t been able to plan to see each other because of the tour scheduling being so hectic. So I went ahead and planned a trip to Cancun with my friends and my sister’s friends. I felt ridiculous being disappointed about spending a week on white sandy beaches at an all inclusive resort just because I was bummed about not seeing him.  

JScott76 (18:56): Yeah, you’ll be there from Monday to Saturday, right? 

PrettyGrl79 (18:56): yep

JScott76 (18:57): Cool, you’ll have a blast. 

Would be a lot better if you were there… I started typing, stopped and then deleted the message. 

JScott76 (19:00): Soooooo, MTV called…

JScott76 (19:01): They offered us a hosting gig aboard a cruise through the bahamas. For some kind of spring break thing they’re doing. 

PrettyGrl76 (19:03): Very cool. You guys could use some sun. 

JScott76(19:04): Yeah it’s gonna be kinda rushed, though. We need to be in and out in 2 or 3 days and then back on tour. So it’s either that or… 

I stared at the computer waiting for him to finish his thought. He always took forever to get one thought out, it was unnerving and totally adorable. I could picture him deleting and rewriting everything with his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth like he did every time he was concentrating. 

JScott76(19:08) A performance and a hosting gig in Cancun. 

My heart skipped a beat. 

JScott76 (19:08): Guess which one I begged Johnny to book for us? :) 

------

I opened the curtain in our room to let the sunlight in. I squinted my eyes as the sun hurt them. My sister groaned and pulled a pillow to her face. The party went well into dawn last night. I had turned in a little earlier. I didn’t want to be hung over today. Today JC was coming and I wanted to be fresh and ready. They’d be leaving in two days, and they were booked most of the time they’d be here and then they’d be rushed back to continue on with their tour. 

I eyed the clock on the nightstand, two hours until he got here. My heart raced a little. 

They landed at noon and were quickly raced to the venue for tomorrow’s performance. We were supposed to meet there. I got there a little after 1. I could feel everything was different from the last time I had been around the guys. I stepped off the taxi and could already see their security personnel outside the venue. It was a gorgeous setting right on the beach, with a big stage and runways leading up to it. I couldn’t get two steps close to the entrance before I was stopped by a huge man with sunglasses. I informed him Mr. Chasez was expecting me and told him my name. He said some kind of code name into his headpiece and simply nodded to me and stepped out of the way. I walked towards the music and saw them on the stage. I hung back and took in the performance. They were only doing soundcheck but gave it their all, even after having played 5 shows in the last week. My eyes never left JC, he was captivating when he was onstage. He saw me from afar and smiled wide, not missing one step, not missing one note. A warm feeling overpowered me.  He didn’t break eye contact until they finished the song. 

I saw them huddle up in the middle of the stage, the choreographer in the middle, giving pointers and nodding. Shortly after, they were dismissed. I remained standing where I had been watching him, arms crossed, even though all I wanted to do was run to him, put my arms around him  and never let him go. He walked slowly towards me, playing with the cap of the water bottle in his hands, with a flirtatious smile on his handsome face. I instinctively bit my lower lip, which made him smile even wider. 

He stopped when he was really close to me, towering over me. I could smell the cologne mixed in with the sweat and the salty ocean air. I couldn’t help it and just swung  my arms around him, locked my fingers behind his head and pulled his face to mine, drowning the loud chuckle from his mouth with my lips. 

Time spent with them as a group was always refreshing. They were fun, energetic, laidback, super funny. This time Chris and Joey had their girlfriends with them. We went for lunch and a couple drinks after. And then JC and I stealthily broke off from the group and went back to JC’s suite. 

You know how when you remember things sometimes your memories tend to be exaggerated? Like there is no way the real thing lives up to the memory?  Well, everything about being with JC was better than the memory. His kisses were ravenous yet tender, his touch stirred something in me that had been dormant, his scent aroused every one of my senses. I was enraptured in him and I didn’t want it to end. 

As I lay on top of him, both my hands rested on his chest, my chin on top of my hands, looking up at him, he stared at me lovingly, with a smile upon his face while he twisted a strand of my hair around one of his fingers. 

He took a deep breath, “I missed this,” he said. 

My gaze fell down to the bed. “A naked girl on top of you after sex?” I replied. I could hear the next words coming out of my mind and I did everything in my power to hold them back but I blurted them out like an idiot. “I somehow doubt that’s something that doesn’t happen often for you.” I felt him stiffen under my weight. I closed my eyes tight and huffed silently instantly regretting what I’ve said. 

He grabbed me by the arms and flipped me on my back, pinning me on the bed. His weight now on me. 

“Hey,” he said, as I opened one of my eyes to look at him. “I meant having a naked YOU on top of me, after making love to YOU.” he said, his eyes wide and serious. 

“I’m sorry,” I said, now both eyes open, glaring back at him. “I know, I’m sorry. I just can't help thinking about you and… you know, it’s hard.”

He sighed and loosened his grip on me, still laying on top of me. “I know. It’s hard for me, too. I think about you and… you know, from time to time and it kills me.” He grabbed my face with one of his hands and caressed my cheek with his thumb. “But I’m here with you right now, I choose to be here with YOU,” he searched for my eyes with his gaze as he added: “I’m in love with YOU.” My heart stopped as I held in a breath. 

“You are?” I managed to whisper, my voice breaking. 

“I should’ve said it in Germany, when I saw you walking away from me. I should’ve said it last year when you came to see me, I should’ve said it yesterday the second I saw you. I love you. I felt it then, I feel it now.” 

I put my hands around his neck and smiled wide. “I love you, too,” and pulled him softly to me until our mouths collided. 

I fell asleep snuggled up to him completely exhausted and satisfied. But woke up alone a couple hours later. My stomach was growling, my mouth parched. I searched for JC around the room but he was nowhere in sight. Suddenly I felt a breeze coming from the open balcony door, the curtains blowing in the currents of air. I wrapped a sheet around me and stepped on the balcony smiling as the ocean’s breeze hit me in the face with a salty aroma. JC was bent over the railing, looking at the setting sun. 

I walked up to him and kissed his bare shoulder. 

“Hey,” he whispered, opened one arm and pulled me close to his body, kissing the top of my head. His eyes were narrow, he seemed troubled. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked, as part of me feared something had irreparably been damaged with what had been said a couple hours ago. 

“Remember when I told you I had gone back home a couple months back for dad’s birthday and my uncle the lawyer had asked me why that song I did with Blaque was credited to the group even though I did that just myself?” I nodded. “Well he works in entertainment law and what seemed like a normal deal to me seemed sketchy for him…” he paused and took a deep breath. “Said he’d look into it.” Another deep breath. “He just called, apparently Lou has been playing us for a while, taking more money than he should and some other illegal things.” 

“Wow, I’m so sorry.” I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed lightly. Then I stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He turned his face and pecked my lips. 

“Yeah, me too.” he tightened his grip on me. His face tinged with a wistful look. 

“So what now?”

“Now I need to talk with the guys…I don’t think I’m doing it here, though. I’ll let them enjoy this.” he motioned to the beautiful view in front of us. “Come on I’m starving, let’s get something to eat.” he started back into the room. I pulled on his hand and stopped him. 

“Wait, but what’s gonna happen now?” He stopped with a sad smile on his face. 

“I guess we’re going to war.”

The legal battle was draining for all of them.

 After confronting the person they had trusted the most for practically stealing from them, they began shopping around for new labels, which led to their current label suing them for breach of contract. All this happening between touring, recording, TV appearances and being in and out of court. This took a toll on the guys. Especially JC. 

It was the first time he had seen the ugly face of the music business. They were being threatened. Everything they had worked so hard for could be taken from them. Even the new music that had already been laid out for the new album. Something broke in him. And it  broke my heart to see it. 

He was being kept out of the studio, which was his haven, because anything they recorded while still under contract could be taken away from them if they lost the trial. 

It killed me being away from him. It killed me that someone else could be comforting him. It killed me knowing he was hurting. Even when he hid it so well. 

He would rarely bring it up when we spoke on the phone, or when we would chat online, or even in emails. But in the letters I could feel the energy had shifted. He would still write me poems and lyrics, but he would always follow them by saying he didn’t know if he would ever record a song again. I never knew what to say. I just made sure to let him know how amazing he was, how much I missed him, and how I hoped this nightmare was over. 

These trying times also shone a light on JC’s loyalty and love for the group he had worked hard to establish. Once or twice he mentioned that while they were shopping around for new labels several executives had expressed interest in him, and only him, but he would shut them down immediately. It was NSYNC or nothing, even if their right to their name was still up in the air. 

After saying goodbye in Cancun the year went by very slowly. The send off was particularly hard knowing what was to come for them. Their tour continued to be successful but as JC pointed out more than once, it was very hard to enjoy everything when things were so uncertain. Of course they never let it show and gave their everything for their fans in every single show. 

On my side things were very normal. JC and I parted ways again with our agreement very much untouched: life went on and we made no promises, no commitments, no expectations. Which is easier said than done. Especially after having confessed our feelings for each other, which made the distance very real, and very painful. 

I still tried to date. There were guys I was genuinely interested in, however when things got to be too real no one would measure up, which made it difficult to start something. 

The internet also made it seem like we were closer. JC would really make an effort to keep our instant messenger dates. I spent every afternoon that I knew he had off glued to the computer just expecting him to show up so I could have a couple of minutes with him. I felt so pathetic. Especially because the internet also made it easy to keep up with every tabloid, and every picture of every girl who ever got close to them. I tried my best to stay away from gossip sites, fan message boards but something would always reach me and I hated the way it made me feel. 

By late 1999 the legal problems were finally over. The lawsuit was settled out of court. JC never went into detail, the only thing he shared was that they could hold on to their name, their music and their career. One thing he said resonated to me for months, “You were the first person I wanted to call, I really wish you were here,” he said through the phone. It wasn’t the first time he had said it, and it wouldn’t be the last but it really planted the thought in my head that he, too, was the first person I wanted to share anything with and it troubled me to know that he would probably never be here and I would probably never be there when important events went down. 

It was great having the old JC back, though. Full of life, full of cheer. Making music slowly brought him back to his old self. He was enjoying the shows, the fans, the studio, the freedom of being able to choose their fate. Everything was coming up great for them and it made me realize how unbelievable it was to even know him. The fact that our paths had crossed and that we kept finding each other was so improbable that I decided to just enjoy the ride. If one week a year is all I had with him I would enjoy it while it lasted, while he still wanted me, while I still wanted him… like I could ever get tired of him. 

So we went ahead and made plans to meet again for spring break. After months and months of work, promoting and breaking world records, a week in cancun sounded like heaven for JC. And after months of months of studying like crazy and missing him even more, a week with him sounded like heaven to me. So when MTV came calling again he jumped at the opportunity and I followed. 

This time I traveled alone. After a short flight and short taxi ride I walked into the lobby of a very chic hotel in Cancun, Mexico. I wasn’t really sure where I was supposed to go, the only information I had was the hotel’s name. I walked around a little and then I saw him. Standing near the concierge desk, looking incredible in khaki cargo shorts, a white tight wife beater and a pink short sleeved buttoned down shirt open to mid chest. I immediately dropped my bag, ran to him and flung myself right into his arms. Every person around us be damned, I didn’t care. He lifted me up as I clung to him, my legs wrapped around his waist and my arms around his neck, both of us beaming at each other. He tilted his head up as I tilted mine down and melted into his lips. For a split second we were standing alone in that crowded hotel lobby. My nose full of his scent, my mouth occupied by his tongue, my mind in absolute frenzy. We slowly parted as I slowly looked around and blushed embarrassed about the scene we were making, at the same time noting JC’s bodyguard stiffly glaring at us. I shimmied down his body as he lowered me down to the floor laughing. 

“Don’t worry honey, this crowd is not really our target demo,” he shrugged and smiled. I looked around and laughed at the groups of college kids, half of them drunk as sailors. JC chuckled, grabbed my hand and started towards the bag I had dropped before. He picked it up and looked around. 

“Just this? Where’s your luggage?” 

I shrugged, blushing again. “I didn’t really bring a lot of clothes.” 

“Good, you’re not gonna need them mama,” he said flirtatiously in almost a whisper and softly slapped me on the butt. 

He took me straight upstairs. I really wanted to take a shower and change out of the travel clothes, however my plans didn’t really materialize. We barely made it to the room. The second we stepped into the elevator he was pushed up against me sucking on my lips, making his way to my chin, over my jaw to my ear. His hair was short but my hands were full of it, pulling on it slightly. He grabbed the back of both my knees and lifted me up, pushing me against the mirrored wall of the elevator. His mouth on mine again, devouring me. The door opened with a ding which caused us to break our kiss startled. We got out giggling and walked quickly with him pawing at me. 

Our first encounter after months and months of longing was usually hurried. Like a thirst that needed to be quenched. We tore at each other’s clothes like they were on fire when it was really my skin that felt on fire with his every touch. 

“Tell me what you want mama,” he breathed into my ear as he kissed me again and softly pushed me so I was walking backwards towards the bed until I bumped into it and fell seated on it. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him towards me until almost all his weight was on top of me. “Te quiero solo a ti,” I whispered looking into his eyes. His eyes grew wide when he heard me speaking in spanish and ignited him into a craze, and I just let myself get lost in him.

I laid on my stomach, my head on top of my hands, looking at JC as he drew small figures with his fingertips on my bare back. 

“Tiny’s gonna hate me if we keep making scenes like that,” I told him. 

“I’m well behaved the rest of the year,” he told me smiling. “The other guys make more trouble.” 

We spent the rest of the afternoon talking, laughing, rediscovering each other, enjoying each other. We didn’t leave the room until 18 hours later when JC was scheduled to film some kind of music video countdown in one of the rooms in the hotel, they apparently didn’t want them on the beach because of security reasons. 

He had booked me a spa day so I wouldn’t be alone while he was busy. Luckily it was the only work related thing he had to do, so we could relax after. 

They all let their hair down a little when they were done with work. We spent the week frolicking on the beach, laying in the sun by the pool, partying at night, just having fun. They were all lightweights with tequila but could dance the night away. The relaxed environment of spring break did them good, they had earned a little break. 

5 days into our vacation I woke up tangled in the sheets. I scrambled around on an empty bed and immediately opened my eyes searching for JC around the room. I was usually the first one to be up in the morning, so it felt a little odd to be alone.

I found him sitting at the little table by the TV, humming, tapping his bare foot on the ground, deep in thought with a pen twirling in one hand and a piece of paper being held down on the table with the other. He was wearing loosely fitting pajama pants, shirtless. His hair started to show his natural curls without all the products their stylist usually put in it, 4 days worth of growth on his face giving him the most perfect scruffy look. The sun from the window coming into the room hit him perfectly. I laid there in awe of him, basking in his beauty. Every time I laid eyes on him I was surprised by how attracted I was to him, I could never get enough. I smiled to myself, this was a perfect moment. 

He continued humming. It was a melody he had been humming non stop for the last week. It became louder, making me chuckle. He looked up. Wide ocean blue eyes staring playfully at me. 

“Didn’t mean to wake you pretty girl,” he said. 

“Don’t you ever stop working babe?” I asked him, stretching a little with a grunt. 

He chuckled. “When a lyric gets in my head I need to get it down on paper or I’ll lose it.” he told me. “I was actually thinking about you just now.” He walked slowly towards me, with a half smirk across his face. He climbed on the bed and slowly crawled over to me until he was on top of my body. “I’m thinking about you, day and night, I just can’t get you off my mind,” he sort of sang. I grabbed the back of his neck, playing with the little curly hairs on the base of his head. He nuzzled my neck, his facial hair prickling my skin, sending waves of electricity through my body. He sucked lightly on my neck, then moved up to my ear and made his way to my lips. We shared a long luxurious, tender kiss. He then looked into my eyes with a pleading look. 

“I wanted to ask you something,” he said quietly. 

“Uh oh.” 

“No, no uh oh. I just thought about something... I’ve been thinking about something... and since you said that you really had nothing going on... while school was out in june I just thought..” he started rambling. I bit my lip in anticipation and sat up on the bed. 

“We’re kicking off the tour in May, we’ll be full in rehearsal the minute we get back home… so I thought,” he sighed nervously. “I want you there with me… on tour?” He grabbed both my hands in his. “Please?” 

I was delighted about the idea of spending a couple of weeks with him during the half year break from school. But I frowned, causing him to frown in response. I tried to think about how I could afford another trip on a half time student salary. 

I started to open my mouth. 

“I bet I know what you’re thinking,” he said suddenly before I could speak. I glared at him with raised eyebrows. 

“Yeah?”

“You’re thinking about the money.”

“Well, yeah. Struggling college student over here.”

He laughed. A hearty belly laugh I always found so endearing. “Well,” he said, pulling me on top of him now, onto his lap. “Rising pop star over here.” 

I shifted awkwardly and huffed loudly. 

“I don’t need you buying things for me,” I said, starting to get annoyed. 

“Hey, come on. Please let me do this, it’s more for me than it is for you. Let’s just say I need my muse by my side,” he said and bit his lip smiling. 

“I don’t know…”

“Please.”

“JC…”

“Pleaseeeee-uh!”

“Jayce…”

“Please please please please.” 

“Oh my God, you’re so annoying. FIne!” I finally said with my heart beating out of my chest from excitement. 

“Really?!?” I repositioned myself on his lap, smiling, lacing my fingers on the back of his head. 

“Si, si, si, mil veces si, mi amor,” I said. His pupils grew wide, full of fire. 

“There you go again making me crazy with the spanish. Don’t go starting something if you’re not gonna finish it,” and before I knew it we were absorbed in each other again. 

Being on tour with *NSYNC was… surreal, for lack of a better word. 

It was mesmerizing, exciting, stimulating, hectic and… exhausting. And I wasn’t even the one doing anything. The guys were, however, so amazing, so energetic, so happy. 

Their schedule was always packed. The only down time they ever had was when they were between shows, on the buses. 

For the second week of me being with them on tour I was already all caught up with their routine. We would arrive in a city in the morning. If it was a one night show we’d go directly to the venue, if it was a two night show or the next night was off we’d go to a hotel. The morning and early afternoon would be spent doing promotional stuff. Usually a local radio station interview, appearances on local TV shows, sometimes a stop at a record store to sign CD’s and merchandise. 

I was part of a whole entourage of people, who I learned would usually come and go for the duration of the tour. The ones that usually always stuck around were Justin’s mom, Lynn, Lance’s mom, Diane, Joey’s brother Steve. And then siblings, parents  and friends would come and go. Girls, too. It made me wonder if I was the first girl JC had ever brought on tour, but I really didn’t need to know the answer so I never asked. 

Depending on the city we were in and what touristy things there were to do, we would take a small tour in the morning, sometimes we’d go shopping, sometimes we just hung around. I always tried to make it back in time for soundcheck. 

I loved soundcheck. It was usually laid back, the guys had fun. There were sometimes fans there, and it was just a very intimate feel. I loved watching JC as he became the leader, focusing on the tiniest details, pushing the other guys towards perfection. But he was never bossy, never rude. And his bandmates accepted and very clearly welcomed everything he had to say. The love and respect between them was so tangible. 

I liked watching soundcheck from the floor. Especially if there were fans there. I felt like a spy, undercover, feeling out the crowd. Of course everyone was always so excited to see them. Their fans loved them, and they loved their fans. 

The few moments between the meet and greet and showtime was quiet time. The guys usually spent it alone, getting ready, getting dressed and finally playing hacky. 

I used to wait for him after they were done with their little ritual to kiss him and wish him good luck. 

And off they were. 

I always watched the whole show while the rest of their entourage sometimes hung out, watched for a while, went backstage, I was out there, every night, totally into their performance. 

I especially loved how JC transformed on that stage. Gone was the rambling, mumbling, shy, everyone-talks-over-him guy you would  see in interviews and out came this seductive, confident, electric being. He was aggressive, passionate, and sexy. It reminded me of his demeanor in the bedroom. He knew what he wanted, he had what he needed, he knew exactly what he was doing and he knew how to take you where he wanted you to go. 

I found myself being completely turned on by him as I stood backstage watching him, biting my bottom lip. A hand upon my shoulder snapped me out of my trance and I turned around startled. Lynn Harless was standing behind me with two bottles of water. She smiled wide. 

“I am so sorry sweetheart, didn’t mean to scare you,” she said, handing me one of the bottles of water. “You look a little hot over here.” I smiled shyly not knowing if she was teasing me or if she was just being nice. I sometimes had a hard time understanding the southern accent, especially over the loud music. I giggled and took the bottle, quickly uncapping it and taking a couple of sips.

She stood beside me to watch the show. 

“It’s fascinating, isn’t it?” she said as we both glanced in the direction of the show. My eyes directly on JC, hers I bet directly on Justin. 

“It is,” I said smiling. 

“My Justin has always been outgoing but he really finds himself on that stage. He’s grown up on it and feels at home there.” she said, almost to herself. I smiled wide. 

“You’re good for him, you know?” she said now turning to face me. I looked into her face and could feel my face starting to feel warm. 

“I’ve known JC for a long time. Since he was a kid,” she turned towards the stage again. “You’re good for him.” she repeated. 

I sighed. “he’s good for me,” I finally said. We both stared into space for a while. Then she squeezed my shoulder again and walked away and I resumed my marveling at JC. 

I sat at the little table beside the sink in JC’s, Justin’s and Chris’ bus, with a book in my hand, my knees to my chest, waiting for them. Two catered dinners in the microwave, an open can of coke in front of me. 

JC came walking in with a towel around his neck, freshly showered. I looked up at him and smiled, he bent down and kissed my head. 

“Did you watch?”

“Always.”

“And?”

“Amazing.”

“Nah,” he said, sitting down in front of me and taking the can of coke, “I screwed up on the bridge in I drive myself crazy, almost fell off the stage with the thrust in Space Cowboy, almost missed my mark for the high note on bye bye bye.” He took a sip of coke with a puzzled look on his face. “Among other screw ups.” 

“Well, no one noticed babe. You looked hot, sounded hot, everyone loved you guys.” He scrunched his nose at me with a smirk. 

“You love me, your opinion doesn’t count.” 

“You love me, my opinion should be the only one that counts. Hungry?” I stood up and walked over to the microwave to heat up the food, giggling at the obvious answer to my question. 

We ate quickly. JC cleared the plates and then we sat on the small couch. My back to the wall, my legs on tops of JC’s, his left arm around my waist, his right on my thigh, his nose buried in the crook of my neck. I was softly scratching at his scalp. 

“Did you like San Diego?” he asked. “Uh huh,” I mumbled too busy concentrating on his breath on my skin and his fingers softly digging into my flesh. 

“Next time we’re here we’re going to the zoo,” he rubbed his nose against my earlobe and then caught it between his teeth. I giggled. 

“Have you liked life on the road?” he asked, lifting his head and looking me in the face. 

“I have actually,” I replied, grabbing his face and planting a peck on his lips. “I never thought I’d sleep so well on a moving vehicle. You were right, it rocks you right to sleep.” 

He smirked, devilishly. 

“You know what else you probably haven’t done in a moving vehicle?” his lips immediately on mine, stifling my laughter as his tongue made his way into my mouth. I closed my eyes and started kissing him back but suddenly stopped and pushed him off slightly. 

“Where’s Justin and Chris?” JC chuckled. Obviously amused that I hadn’t noticed their absence until then. 

“They’re riding with Lance and Joey. I told them we needed some privacy,” he leaned down to resume what he was doing. 

I felt my cheeks turning red. “So the giggling and teasing tomorrow will be unbearable?” JC laughed louder this time. “Yep!” 

I laughed alongside him and happily embraced his advances towards me. 

“Aren’t we going to be in Pasadena in just a couple hours?” I asked between kisses. 

“Yes, but I can’t wait that long.” He pushed my legs to the side and stood up, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the back of the bus where the bunks were. 

We stumbled off the bus, JC grabbing at the clothes I had just put on to walk outside, giggling proudly as I swatted his hand away. We walked right into a frenzy of girls holding signs and taking pictures, screaming and crying. I instinctively let go of JC’s hand and slowed my pace down. He turned around frowning at me, grabbed my hand again and pulled me to his side, proudly displaying me in front of the fans. He waved and smiled as the body guards held the flock of girls back so we could walk into the hotel. 

We had already been checked in, one of the assistants to their manager handed each of the guys a card key. JC slipped it into my hand, “Go on up, I’ll be right there.” I started to turn away from him as he pulled me to him by my hand. “Hey… I love you,” he whispered and planted a sweet peck on my lips. Then we parted ways, as I pressed the elevator door I turned around to see JC walking up to the group of guys who greeted him with cheers and high fives, I shook my head laughing as I stepped into the elevator. “Children!” 

It was only about 15 minutes until JC found his way to the room. He found me lying in bed, under the covers, half asleep, with the TV turned on to a cartoon channel. 

He undressed quickly and slipped into bed with me. He snuggled up to me. 

“We don’t have anything early tomorrow, just a radio station interview at noon. Afternoon is free, maybe we can enjoy a little California sun by the pool.” he said quietly followed by a yawn. 

“Sounds great,” we quickly fell asleep in each other’s arms. 

A loud bang on the door woke us up in a startle. JC looked around the room disoriented and squinted his eyes. 

“What the hell?” he said looking around trying to find the clock on the nightstand. 8:30AM. Bang Bang Bang “Yo C, we need you for a minute,” came the bodyguard’s voice loud, through the door. 

I pulled the covers over my head and grunted, we had gotten to bed around 3 am, so I was not amused. 

“What the hell?” said JC again as he dragged himself out of bed and walked over to the door. 

“What the hell Lonnie?!” he practically yelled. 

“I’m very sorry man, but we have a situation in the lobby. You need to get down there right now.” 

“Jayce, it appears you double booked yourself, genius!” Chris yelled into the room as he passed it on the hallway.

Upon hearing this I sat up on the bed, hugging the sheets to my chest and stretched my neck towards the door. 

“What?” JC sounded as confused as me. 

“Yeah, thing is,” said Lonnie in a quiet voice, “She’s downstairs demanding to see you.” My heart stopped for a second. 

JC’s head turned violently towards me and then back to Lonnie, his eyes wide, panic in his face. 

“Right now?” he asked a little louder than a whisper. I couldn’t see Lonnie’s face from where I was sitting. JC told him something quietly and shut the door. 

“Babe I need to go downstairs, I um...” he said nervously, picking up the clothes he had thrown on the floor the night before. “I’ll, um… I’ll be right back.” He blew me a kiss and hurried outside. 

I was left sitting on bed, half dressed, confused and unsatisfied. A first. 

I decided I was already up so I dragged myself out of bed and started for the bathroom to take a shower. I knew what was going on. Lonnie had said it. She was downstairs demanding to see him. The girlfriend. And there was JC shacked up in a hotel room with the other woman. I had let myself become the other woman. Chris said he had double booked, like I was some sort of call girl, a joke, a punchline. I sat on the edge of the tub with the water running. Fog started covering the mirror as I blankly stared into my face. An empty feeling taking over me. I took a quick shower and as I was wrapping myself in a towel I heard the door open and close. My heart sank into my chest. I had never felt so dirty. 

“Kiki? Babe?” a soft knock on the bathroom door. Then a head full of messy half curls and two bright blue worried eyes peaked from behind it. I looked away from him, holding the towel to my chest with one hand. I opened the door and walked straight past him. He grabbed my arm softly. 

“Please don’t touch me,” I whispered without looking at him, cringing. He froze with both hands up staring at me. 

I hurriedly grabbed some clothes and quickly went into the bathroom again to get dressed. 

Another soft knock on the door. “Kiki can you please come out here so we can talk?”

I looked at myself in the mirror. Tears threatening my eyes, red cheeks. I didn’t know if I was mad, upset, furious or sad. 

“Baby please… it’s not what you think. Can you come out here so I can explain.”

I smashed the door open. “Fine… explain.” I said with no emotion in my voice. I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. JC walked over slowly and kneeled in front of me. His hand on his thighs, and took a deep breath. 

“It’s not what you think. It’s over.”

“I’ll say,” I huffed under my breath. 

“No!” he said loudly and advanced toward me. Grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “Not you and me… never you and me.” I was fuming, shook my head, jaw clenched to get his hand off me. 

“Me and her, it’s over… It’s been over… for months.” His tone was so truthful, his eyes so bright, so earnest. 

I looked at him in disbelief. “It has?”

“Yes of course,” he sat back down on his feet, hands on his thighs again. “When we got back from Cancun back in April, before rehearsals began. I just…” he sighed. “I just couldn’t be… with her… or anyone….that wasn’t you” he looked up at me with pleading eyes. “I broke it off the second I realized that. She lives in LA. I guess she held onto the tour schedule and figured it was the best way to get in touch with me. I haven’t exactly been returning her calls.” 

I breathed a little easier again. Took a deep breath. 

“So she’s not here to fight me?” I said half kidding and gave him a little smile. 

“No babe,” he chuckled and advanced towards me, putting himself between my legs and his arms around me. My arms went instinctively around his neck. “She didn’t know you were here. I mean, she’s known about you, for a while. She knows about us. I told her I was in love with you when I broke up with her.”

“I wanna believe you,” I said. “I just felt so dirty just now.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, God I’m so sorry,” he buried his face on my legs. “I should’ve told you but we had never talked about being exclusive, it was actually against the rules, wasn’t it?” I glared at him smiling. I had decided we would not be exclusive, I had not, however, followed the rule. I had not dated anyone else in a while. 

“But I don’t want anyone else… and I really don’t want you to want anyone else,” he sought out my eyes with his. Bright deep blue eyes staring into mine. Making me weak. “I didn’t want to say it over the phone or in an email and I wanted you to be comfortable here with me before getting all clingy and possessive over you.”

“But how would that work? You’re here, I’m there…”

“It’s been working, honey. I love you, I don’t want anyone else. Part of you being here was so you’d see I’m busy, got no time for anything else other than work. We can totally do this. You only have a couple years left of school. We can come and go like we’ve been doing right now.” 

I smiled and pulled him up to me so I could kiss him. 

“Ok.”

“Ok? Like we’re finally being exclusive and in love?”

I laughed loudly and pulled him down onto the bed with me. “Let’s be finally exclusive and in love.”

“Yes mom, I’ll be careful I promise,” I motioned JC to come into the room. “Yes, he’s here, he says hi.” He shrugged with a silly grin on his face. “Ok, yes, I love you, too. See you Sunday.”

“So my mom says hi,” I said sitting down on the bed next to him.

“How does she not insist on meeting me?” he asked leaning onto the bed and running his hands up and down my back.

“Well, she does, but she also knows about the rule.” I said grinning.

“The rule,” he echoed, rolling his eyes so far back into his head I thought they were going to get stuck there.

The rule consisted of neither me nor JC visiting each other at home. We were to meet on vacation or while he was on tour. I didn’t go home with him, he didn’t come home with me.

I had thought of it because in order to remain sane I needed home to be me. I didn’t want triggers of memories that would make the distance and waiting more unbearable. It was kind of pointless anyway, because I didn’t need anything to remind me of JC, I thought about him all the time.

I ran my hands through his hair messing it up and pulled him to me to kiss him. “Shut up, it keeps me sane,” I said as he chuckled deeply and accepted my kiss.

Our week in Costa Rica was like a week in heaven. We had finally decided to take a vacation alone. No bandmates joking around and being gross, no friends being starstruck. Just us. Being exclusive and in love.

We decided to visit a secluded surfer’s beach in Costa Rica, about 5 hours from San José, to make sure we would keep the possibility of JC being recognized to a minimum.

Everything about it was perfection. Especially the memory of a sun kissed JC in a wetsuit running towards me, surfboard in hand. That one I will treasure forever. The way he peeled the wetsuit off his body when he was done riding the waves. The way we just lay for hours on end on the sand, taking in the sun, the salty air. He, propped up on an elbow, my head resting on his forearm, his free hand over my belly or tickling the back of my bent knee.

Why stare into the ocean when I could have the ocean staring back at me when I looked into his eyes? And I loved getting lost in his eyes. We would lie there for what seemed forever, just lost in each other. No talking, no nothing. Just being together, enjoying each other.

I knew he had gotten into a little bit of trouble because when we came back, he’d have just over two weeks before the tour kicked off. JC didn’t seem too bothered, or he didn’t let me see it, if he was.

 “I’ve been learning the choreography for a couple weeks now, we’ll do bootcamp when I’m back and it’ll be fine. I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate without my much needed Kiki time, anyway” he told me, looking serious and pushing around the remainder of his dinner on the plate sitting in front of him.

I took a swig of the fruity rum drink in my hand and smirked.

“Well, dancing was never a problem for you,” I put the drink down, slowly stood up and grabbed his hand pulling him to his feet just as a steamy salsa beat began blasting through the speakers in the small joint we were in. He flashed me a devilish smile and before I knew it his arm was around my waist, pressing me against him, his hips swaying to the rhythm. He was such a natural dancer, he picked up on a beat and just let his perfectly rhythmic body take over. We swayed, bumped, grinded, he spun me around, dipped me, twirled me, brought me back up as I pressed my body to his, I ran my hand through my hair and then down my body, he watched me closely, biting his lower lip. We were surrounded by people and still it seemed like we were the only two people there. He twirled me again as I laughed loudly. After a couple of songs we were sweating and tired, so we decided to call it a night.

We walked back to our hotel, a couple blocks from the beachfront venues. His arm around my shoulders, my arms wrapped around his waist. I inhaled deeply and took in his scent. He smelled like such a guy, cologne mixed with sweat, I loved it, I could never get enough of it.

“Stop it,” he said, planting a kiss on top of my head.

Our days had been occupied by lazy mornings, late breakfasts, hours on the beach, usually sunbathing and reading for me, surfing for him. Our evenings with drinking, dancing, and the nights filled with acrobatic love making.

We had both had other partners during our time not being exclusive, but there was something about making love with the person you actually were in love with. The act itself became more rousing, more intimate, more fulfilling, satisfying.

I watched over at the beach, standing on the balcony of our suite. I heard movement and shuffling inside, so I waited for him to come find me. I felt two strong arms wrap around my waist, a scruffy beard pressed against my cheek. I put my hands on his arms and sighed.

“What are you thinking, pretty girl?”

“I was just remembering the time when we had no money for a train ride and had to meet in the middle of nowhere in some coaling town, and now I’m looking over a beautiful beach standing in a penthouse suite.” He laughed a husky laugh that always made the hairs on my arms stand up, so contagious that it had me laughing along.

“Funny how the world turns,” he said when he was done laughing. “And still,” he continued, turning me around to face him, “The only thing that matters is still here with me.” His lips grazed mine, ever so sweetly. My arms flew around his neck as I buried my face in the space between his neck and shoulder.

“I don’t wanna leave,” I whispered, dreading the next day when we’d have to part ways at San Jose's airport and go back to reality.

----------------------

June, however, came sooner than any of us expected. The tour kept the boys plenty busy and I started my clinical rotations. This came along with shifts, patient care, no sleep, and a whole lot of studying. Being a med student I still got part of the summer off. Once I got my degree and into a residency, though, free time would be scarce and precious. Kind of like it was for JC. We still hadn’t had the talk about what I would do when it came time to apply for residency programs. I had done some research, but it was a big decision and I wasn’t sure whether it was one I should be making with JC, or on my own.

The PopOdyssey tour was insane. It was huge. It was crazy. It was fun. But the guys were exhausted. Gone was the relaxed JC I had left back in Costa Rica. Touring JC was focused, serious, a total perfectionist. But he was exhausted. He lived for the stage, he fed off the energy of the crowd but it was the traveling and the promotional stuff that really drained him.

This tour was not as relaxed for me, either. I had projects due back home, clinical cases, journal readings, papers, so I had brought a lot of work to do while I followed NSYNC around for almost three weeks.

Sometimes while I did some work JC would go over every single detail of the show from that night. Point mistakes out politely for the other guys the next day and really punish himself when he’d make one. Sometimes he overdid it. But I knew that it was his attention to detail, his overthinking of everything that made their shows so flawless.

“Ok babe, that is just about it for Congestive heart failure, it is not getting through anymore,” I said pushing away the book I had been hunched over for the last hour. I stretched my hands over my head and grunted. JC was sitting up on the bed, staring at a notebook, his hand on his chin, a frown on his face. He had not heard a word I’d said. I stood up and walked over to him, climbing on the bed kneeling behind him, I grabbed his shoulders and started kneading them. He groaned loudly and put the notebook down. He looked up at me and puckered up.

I smiled and brought my lips to his. He chuckled. He reached back and put his hands on my thighs, squeezing them.

“Sorry, honey, I tend to get caught up,” he told me. “It’s usually ok when I’m alone.” “That’s ok, you can make it up to me right now.” I said leaning over him, pressing my body against his back. I could feel the vibration when he softly said “Hmmmm,” it made me quiver.

 “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself,” I whispered in his ear, immediately biting it. “Good thing you’re here to help me blow off some steam.” He somehow grabbed me and flipped me over so I was now sitting on his lap, giggling loudly.

I stopped to look at him. Really look at him. The long lashes, the crystal blue eyes, the long nose that fit so well with the rest of his face, the square jaw. I wanted to memorize his face, every square inch of him. I put my hand on his cheek, he leaned into it closing his eyes, a small sigh escaping from his lips, he turned a little and kissed the palm of my hand. My other hand went into his hair, beautiful small curls starting to form in the base of his head. I ran my hand down his neck, over his toned shoulders that drove me crazy, down his arm. He opened his eyes and stared hard at me, making me nervous. Still made me so nervous.

“I love you,” I whispered. “So much.” A smile crept up on his handsome face.

“You know I love you, too. So very much.” He pressed his forehead to mine. I breathed in deeply and out. I couldn’t take it anymore and hungrily pressed my lips to his, pulling myself up by grabbing onto his neck. He gladly accepted and parted my lips with his tongue making me shiver as he put me down on the bed and climbed on top of me.

“Oh God, you make me crazy,” he said in a breathy whisper between kisses, making me crazy. His hands started to find their way under my shirt, swiftly unclasping my bra. I couldn’t control the way my body reacted to his every touch and he knew it. I could tell by the way he smirked with every shiver of my body when his fingertips grazed over my skin.

I smirked as well when I could feel him start to lose control, when his breath became labored and his hands became more rowdy. Every time with JC felt like the first time and still it was comfortable and familiar. And exhilarating.

We laid in bed, sweaty and satisfied. A sleepy smile across JC’s face, half closed eyes. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” I said, putting my head on his chest.

“Hmmm, didn’t seem like it a little while ago,” he chuckled.

“Yeah well, you can’t be over here looking like that and expect me to concentrate,” I said and kissed his chest. “I wanted to talk to you about breaking the rule and coming to Orlando for my elective rotation.”

-----------------

The elective rotation wasn’t for another year but slots usually filled up quickly everywhere. You usually applied to 20 places and went wherever they accepted you, but I wanted Orlando Health Regional Medical Center, I had my heart set on their Internal Medicine program, but would settle for anything, even surgery which I absolutely hated, as long as it would get me in Orlando, for about 3 months.

Plus a successful elective rotation in a big medical center would make it easier to get into a Residency program in the States.

 So I gathered all my paperwork and filled out applications all over the place, at home, at a couple of other hospitals in the US, Mexico. Hoping and praying I would get picked where I wanted to go.

Before we knew it a couple more months went by again and I found myself in August.

It was pretty much the same routine every week. Lots of work, talking to JC on the phone every other day, going out with friends on the weekends. And Time flew by, thankfully.

One afternoon though, as I came home from a 36 hour shift, I was surprised by a little box sitting in my kitchen. Patty my roommate was out so there was no way of knowing who delivered it. A medium sized black box with a golden bow on it, sitting pretty on my kitchen counter. I put my bag down and watched it like it had a bomb in it. I almost pressed my ear to it to try and listen to something ticking. Pinned to the pretty golden ribbon was a little note. I immediately recognized JC’s messy handwriting: “Hello, please open me!”

I undid the ribbon and opened the box. There were 3 white envelopes, each of them with a number from 1 to 3. I grabbed the first one and opened it.

“My pretty girl,It had been a while since I sat down to write you a letter. We have been so caught up in technology, but I felt like this needed to be written down for dramatic effect. Pause for laughter.

This has been one of the best years of my life, both professionally and personally. Professionally you’ve seen it. It has been mind blowing. This is as good as it gets, I’m sure. There is no way we are topping this. We are also so drained I don’t think we want to top this.

And in my personal life, babe, it’s been you. It’s been you that’s lit up everyone of my days. You’ve kept me grounded and happy ever since we’ve been together.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s been hard being far away from each other, but it has also been totally worth it, wouldn’t you say so?

I look forward everyday to the time we’ll get to spend together and I cherish every memory we’ve made. I have fallen so ridiculously in love with you I can’t even put it into words. And the thing is, I feel so loved by you, too. I feel like it’s too much for only one man to have. You’ve given me so much, I’ve been racking my brain trying to find a way to show you how much you mean to me and it occurred to me that I will never be able to. However, your birthday is in one month exactly and I want to spend it with you, because it’s something we have never been able to do. (And I don’t care that mine is only 7 days from today).

So, in envelope 2 you will find 3 tickets and backstage passes for the last show of the PopOdissey tour in Mexico city and in envelope 3 you will find 3 round tickets for the weekend of September 1st, one for you, one for your mom and one for Patty. Schedules have already been checked, reservations have already been made. No arguments, I will see you August 31 at 2pm at the Mexico city Hilton. Wear something sexy.

I love you always,

JC.”

-------------------------

After a lovely dinner of tacos and tequila we headed back to the hotel. JC’s surprise had been everything I had ever wanted for a birthday present. He had planned every second of the weekend and I loved it.

The best part was that my mom finally had the chance to meet JC and she obviously loved him. He was such a gentleman, so caring, so attentive, such a kiss-ass. She ate it up.

I laid in bed and pulled the covers up to my neck and sighed.

“How’s your birthday weekend so far?” JC asked getting in bed next to me. “Amazing,” I replied scooching closer to him.

“Good,” he planted a kiss on my head as he opened his arm to pull me closer. “Are you sure it’s ok with your mom that you’re sleeping in my room?” He said with a concerned look on his face.

“Honey, we’ve been having illicit rendezvous all over the world for the last 5 years. She is more than aware that you will be ravishing her daughter in a matter of minutes,” I told him as his face changed into a mortified look and I giggled loudly. “Well,” he relaxed a little, “If she’s in on it, might as well get on with the show.”

I giggled even louder as he turned himself onto me and his mouth claimed mine. And the show was magnificent, both in room 2108 in the Mexico City Hilton that night and in the Estadio Azteca the next. And I had front row tickets to both.

I sat nervously tapping my foot on the car’s floor. My thumb shoved into my mouth as I nibbled on the nail. I looked over slowly at JC who was humming to the melody coming from the radio, his left hand tapping on the steering wheel, his right hand on my thigh drawing circles with his thumb. I couldn’t understand how he was so calm. 

I put my hand on his and squeezed. He turned to look at me and smiled then resumed his humming. 

I stared out the window as the houses and buildings rushed by. We stopped at a light and I turned to JC again, finding him leaned over to my side with his lips puckered up. I chuckled lightly and leaned over to peck his lips. He smiled widely and returned his eyes to the road, as the light changed. 

I sighed loudly. 

“Would you stop freaking out silently over there and please tell me what’s bothering you?” he asked, without looking at me. 

I rolled my eyes. 

“Why aren’t YOU freaking out?” I asked, turning in my seat to face him. He chuckled softly without looking at me. “I am going to be all up in your space for the next 3 months, I don’t think we thought this through.” 

My mind raced to 6 months ago when I got my acceptance letter. 

I quickly grabbed the small envelope my roommate had laid down on the kitchen counter. My hands shaking, my heart pounding. I ran my fingers over the big lettering on top of it: Orlando Health Regional Medical Center. 

I quickly ripped the top off and retrieved a pack of pages, scrambling to unfold them. I let out a high pitched squeal as I silently read the first page:

“Ms. Erika Catalano,

It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been accepted to enroll in our Elective Rotation Program in Internal Medicine at Orlando Health Regional Medical Center starting in November 2002. 

Enclosed you will find all the details, including dates for orientation and paperwork that is needed of you.” 

My hands shaking I quickly picked up the phone to call JC. 

We pulled up into a huge driveway. I had never been to his house in Winter Park. JC didn’t even own a home last time I had been in Orlando. I was always very amazed at how everything had unfolded for JC. In the 5 years since I’d known him he had gone from a struggling artist to an international superstar, had made millions, had travelled the world and had broken every record. And still, remained a humble, down to earth, centered man. He really wasn’t any different than the guy I had met in Germany. Except he had gotten more handsome somehow. 

I, however, had changed a lot. But being with JC made me remember the teenager I was when I first fell in love with him. 

We walked up to a beautiful two-story French Chateau-style house as the front gate began closing. JC unlocked the front door and grabbed me by the hand pulling me into his home. 

“Welcome home for the next 3 months!” He said happily. I could feel the panic in my face again. 

“Babe,” he said, pulling me close to him. “Relax, it’s gonna be fine. I’m on hiatus, you’re gonna be so busy, and I’ll be here to spoil you rotten, ok?” He began walking backwards, softly pulling me out of the foyer and into a spacious living room, filled with sunlight coming into the room from the ceiling to floor windows that overlooked the patio, outside lounging area and pool. 

“Wow,” I said looking around. The room was very tastefully decorated. 

“You like?” he said almost in a whisper as his arms snaked around my waist, his lips brushing against my earlobe. 

I pressed my body tightly against his. “I like this,” I said seductively. His eyes lit up immediately. The blue in them always darkened a little when he was aroused and I loved seeing it. He quickly covered my mouth with his, enveloping me in a passionate kiss and shortly we found ourselves lying down on the bigger couch, piles of clothes on the floor. His hands and mouth exploring my body, my own hands roaming every square inch of his. 

As I laid with my back to his chest and his arms tight around my waist, I giggled. 

“Hmmm?” he hummed lazily with his nose in my hair. 

“I’m just thinking that if this is how you’re gonna be showing me every room in the house the tour is going to be just a tad long.” He laughed loudly with his whole body making me bounce as I joined in on the laughter. 

The next two weeks were like a dream. Other than an induction day I had all the time off and so did JC. He took his time showing me his favorite places. Favorite restaurants, favorite clubs and bars, favorite spots. I met some of his friends, spent a lot of time with his family. We spent every second together, except when he would go down into his studio. That was the one room in the house where I would not go in, unless he asked me to. He’d spend one or two hours a day there, sometimes he’d ask me to keep him company. I would sit on the leather couch and just watch him work. He’d strum on a guitar, or playfully play on the keyboard, hum a melody on the microphone. I have absolutely not one musical bone in my body but watching him create art was unbelievable.

 Justin would come over and go into the studio with him for hours. I would usually make myself scarce when he was over. 

I had the radio on as I scrambled around the kitchen making dinner. Vanessa Carlton’s A thousand miles was on and I was singing along to it as I minced some onion and garlic and threw them on the wok I had on the stove. 

I opened the fridge door to take out some more veggies to chop up and when I closed the door I found JC leaned over the wall, watching me. 

“Hi handsome, did Justin leave?” he nodded “hungry?”

He looked at me smiling, beaming. 

“Sure.” I kept on chopping and singing. He laughed loudly and walked over to me. wrapped his arms around my waist and placed his chin on my shoulder. 

“Watch the knife,” I said as I kept chopping. 

“Has anyone told you that you sing beautifully?” he asked me, nuzzling my neck. 

“Not really,” I said smiling. 

“Good, cause they’d be lying.” he said walking away from me chuckling. 

“Wow, you’re so mean,” I glared at him. “But totally right.” we laughed. 

“Not really fair though, you have a perfect ear and perfect pitch, so… not fair.” 

He laughed again. “True. But still, all wrong.” 

“So,” I said, he looked at me as he put a piece of pepper in his mouth. “Justin’s been over three times this week. What are you guys working on? A new album? Weren't you guys on hiatus?” He smirked. 

“We are,” I raised my eyebrows. “But he’s putting some solo stuff out and he wanted my opinion.” 

“So he’s the one who asked for time off? But he’s kept working? Only by himself?” I asked, not really expecting an answer.

“I guess.” was his reply. 

“And you’re collaborating on his solo record, then?”

“Not really, just helping him out with some lyrics and some melodies.”

“So you’re producing?” The knife was on the table. A hand on my hip. 

“Not really, he’s got his big time producers. Just helping a friend out.” 

I looked at him with raised eyebrows. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he said hopping down from the stool he had been sitting on and moving closer to me. “I’m just helping my brother out. He’s having some trouble with some of the words, and you know how words are always bouncing around my head anyway.” he put his hands on my hips and kissed my temple. 

“Ok,” I said, not really convinced. “Sounds weird to me, but I know nothing so, ok.” 

His lips travelled down my jawline to my chin, then found my lips. He claimed my mouth, parting my lips with his tongue. 

“You know everything babe.” he kissed me again, more deeply this time. “Especially hot to look fucking hot wearing an apron.” His hands went around me and pushed the chopping table further into the kitchen island. He undid the tie of the apron on the back of my neck, it fell down to my waist. Both his hands travelled from my waist to my ass as he grabbed at it and pulled me up onto the counter, positioning himself in between my legs, while he kept licking and biting my lips. I threw my head back and granted him access to my neck which he gladly started sucking on. My hands in his hair, tangling in his curls. 

“Wait, wait” I motioned to the stove so he broke our embrace and quickly turned it off. Coming back into my arms and hungrily kissing me. His hands now under my t-shirt, caressing my back as he swiftly unclasped my bra. 

“Since we christened the studio last night and now have had sex in every room of this house I think it’s fair if we restart the rounds, don’t you?” he asked just above a whisper. His hot breath against my ear made my body tremble. 

One hand now cupping one of my breasts under my shirt, the other starting to undo my pants. I pawed at his shirt, starting to unbutton it. My breathing ragged. 

When suddenly, “Hellooooo!” we heard from the living room. 

“Shit!” we both said. I jumped from the counter and stood behind JC desperately trying to re do my bra and running my hands over my hair which was a mess. 

JC quickly re buttoned his shirt and tried to adjust himself just as Trevor walked into the kitchen. 

“Oh shit,” he said, his face turning the brightest shade of red. “I’m sorry!” He burst out laughing. 

“Trev, what the fuck?” JC said half mad half laughing as he shielded me from his brother’s view as I recomposed myself. 

“Sorry bro, um, hey Keeks. I, um, just brought the car around.” he kept smirking trying to look away. 

“Yeah it’s all good. I’m gonna need my key back, it’s supposed to be for emergencies.” JC told him seriously, as he walked over him and embraced him in a hug. 

“Hey I knocked man, but I can see you were otherwise occupied,” he laughed again and walked over to me and kissed my cheek. 

“Well now that you’re here might as well stay for dinner,” I told him. “Wait, what car?”

“Well, you said you didn’t want to use any of my ‘fancy cars’,” JC said doing air quotes with his fingers, “and the vespa scares the hell out of you so I asked Trevor to lend us his Corolla since he’s not using it anyway,” JC said as he opened the fridge and took out 2 beers. Uncapping them and handing one over to Trevor and one for himself. 

“Really? Wow thanks Trev,” he flashed me a smile. 

“Yeah I don't really need it, with living on campus and all so sure, all yours, honey.”

I smiled and stared at the both of them as they settled on the stools and started conversing. They were so similar but so different. You could tell there was no blood relation but watching them they talked alike and used some of the same face expressions, it was obvious they were brothers. 

Finally play time was over and the time came to start my rotation at the hospital. My days started unfolding very differently than they had those 2 first weeks. 

I began my day at 5AM, usually having to stealthily move around the room so as to not wake JC up. A quick shower, threw on some scrubs and then downstairs to put some breakfast together, grab some coffee and out I was. 

After all those breakfasts in bed and morning loving it felt weird leaving JC alone in that big bed and it took all my self restraint to not stay with him those first few days. I was very excited to begin the rotation anyway, but the pull he had on me was so strong. 

The people at the hospital were very nice. From the nurses to the attendings, to my fellow med students. The atmosphere was very like any other hospital, we all were very hungry to learn. 

Our time would be divided between services. There was the ER, ICU, Intermediate care, Post Ops and specialties. The hours weren’t so bad for med students. 8 hours a day, one weekly 36 hour shift. But you were encouraged to stay and do more hours and most of us did. I did, even when it meant spending a lot of time away from JC. 

The friction started right away. Even before my rotation began actually. 

I was sitting in the breakfast nook going through the syllabus I had been emailed and crossing off subjects. 

JC walked in with his cell phone to his ear. “Yeah, uh-huh,” he said a couple times, as he settled a bunch of mail on the kitchen counter. He looked at me, smiled and blew me a kiss. I winked at him and went back to my papers. 

“Yes, ok, of course man. Yeah, yeah, yeah we’ll be there. Awesome. Send it over, I can’t wait. Love you, man. Bye.”

He went to the fridge to retrieve two bottles of water, then came over to me, uncapped one and handed it to me. 

“Thank you baby,” I said and puckered up. He leaned in, kissed me, then sat down in front of me. 

“So, you brought a bikini?” he asked, smiling. 

I looked at him frowning. “I’ve worn my bikini, in your pool. A couple of them” I said. He laughed. 

“I know I’m kidding. It’s just that we got invited to J’s album release party in LA and I was trying to be cute.” 

“Oh, ok. When?” 

“Next week, Thursday.” He said and drank from his bottle of water. I put down the paper I had been holding and bit my lip. 

“Um, babe?” he looked up at me. “I can’t go.” His eyes opened wider, slowly. 

“Why not? This is a huge deal for Justin, I can’t not go.” He said earnestly. 

“Sure. But I can’t go, I’ll have to work. I can’t just pick up and leave whenever I feel like it. I’ll get kicked out of the program.” 

“Oh,” he said. Obviously disappointed. “Sure, right, no, it’s ok. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried babe, I’m sorry but… you knew what I came here for.” He looked at me with an annoyed look in his eyes. 

“Yeah yeah, it’s cool. God forbid i think you came here to be with me.” He got up and started to walk out of the kitchen. 

“Jayce, wait. You’re being unfair. Of course I came here to be with you,” I was on my feet. “But I can’t drop everything just like that, especially to go to a party.” I reached for him and he took a step back. 

“Well you know, part of my job is going to parties and being seen and doing ridiculous shit like that. And I hate going stag.” 

“Well I’m sorry that I’m not like your other girlfriends that are just waiting around to be summoned and actually have something going for me.” I said a little more loudly than I had intended. 

The look on his face became blank. “Other girlfriends… wow, yeah, no,” he took a step back with both hands in the air, defensively. “I’ll go and um, I’ll try really hard to not fuck anyone accidentaly while I’m there, ok?” He turned on his feet and walked away from me.

I tapped my foot on the floor anxiously. It had been a couple hours since JC had gone into his studio after storming out of the kitchen. I had walked to the staircase and back at least 10 times now. I stood up again and walked to the edge of the stairs. 

I took a deep breath and started walking down. As I reached the bottom and started to reach for the door handle the door flew open and a startled JC stood in front of me. 

“Hey, I, um,” I mumbled looking into his eyes and then down to the floor. He started towards me and put his arms around me. 

“I was just coming to find you.” he said softly. Squeezed me in a tight hug, sighed loudly. “I’m sorry.” he said finally. 

My eyes full of tears, the words in a knot in the back of my throat, not really able to come out. I leaned more into the hug and squeezed him tight as I felt the tears coming and my body start to shake from crying, my face buried in the crook of his neck. 

“I’m sorry, too” I managed to whisper. He rubbed on my back softly, and walked me into his studio. He sat down on the big leather couch and pulled me onto his lap. I made myself a ball and snuggled up to him, tears still slowly falling from my eyes. 

“It’s all right pretty girl, please don’t cry.” he kissed the top of my head. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t be making plans for you, I really do understand what you are doing here and of course I know you chose to come here so we could be together, and I am so thankful for it.” He ran one hand through my hair, then down my jawline, to my chin, cupping it and lifting my face to see him. “I’m just selfish sometimes and want you all to myself. I love that you’re so passionate about your career, I wouldn’t dare jeopardize that.” 

I sniffled and wiped some tears away. 

“I feel like an idiot crying like a baby,” he smiled and linked his fingers with mine, bringing my hand to his lips. 

“Don’t.” 

“I am sorry, too. I didn’t mean to imply that you’d be-” 

“I know… I’m an idiot.” He smiled so sweetly and kissed me softly. “I would hate to be the reason for you losing yourself. The fact that you’re so independent and driven is what drew me to you in the first place. So never apologize for putting your career first... I have, and you’ve supported me every step of the way.”

I wrapped my arms around him. “Thank you.” 

“Do you know that I love you?” He said with the cutest smile on his face. 

I grabbed his face and pressed my lips hard on his. “I love you. So much. You have never given me any reason to doubt you, so I’m really sorry if I made you feel like I’m insecure about you or your feelings for me, I’m not. I trust you, like, blindly.” I told him seriously. 

He pulled me into him again, a kiss on my temple. His arms tight around me. “I know baby,” he said.  “I was just upset. I’m the one that gets a little insecure, you know? Before you I had never felt so loved and appreciated. I always felt like people were just trying to get something from me.. And now that we’ve been spending all this time together it feels like you’re a drug and I am totally addicted to you” He laughed, so did I.  

“Can we forget about fighting please?” 

“Yes we can.” I rested my head on his shoulder. 

“You like lilies, right?” He asked. I looked at him confused. 

“Daffodils actually,” I replied. 

“Huh,” he pursed his lips and frowned, I could almost hear the wheels turning inside of his head. “Yeah, that works better actually.” 

“I’m not even gonna ask, come here,” I kissed him sweetly as his arms tightened around me and he deepened the kiss. 

So he left for California in the middle of my first week of work. It already felt like I hadn’t seen him for the better part of it.

For the first day, though, I had tossed and turned almost all night, I was nervous and excited. So when I woke up, finally having been able to fall asleep, I was alone in bed. I hurriedly got ready and when I walked downstairs there was the smell of fresh coffee and something resembling pancakes awaiting for me in the kitchen. A smiling JC, with a ridiculous apron on and more flour on his face and hair than actually was in the pancake batter, greeted me, leaning over the stove. I stood there staring at him, with a stupid grin on my face, as he beamed at me with the cutest look on his face. 

“Just don’t get used to this, because I have no idea what I’m doing,” he said as I flung myself into his arms, kissing him. 

I asked to take the first weekend shift, I had to do at least one every month and since JC was going to be gone I didn’t want to be all alone in that huge house. 

Weekend shifts were brutal. All day on ER duty, on my feet. Running around being a scut monkey was exhausting, both physically and mentally. Residents and attendings were usually ordering you around and asking you all these questions that you had to have the answer to on the tip of the tongue or you felt like a total idiot. 

So on top of 8 hour days, shifts and studying more than ever, I needed to find time to see JC. And look presentable from time to time. The exhausted medical student in coffee stained scrubs look wasn't gonna cut it all the time. Especially because my boyfriend was one of the most handsome men alive. 

So finally the weekend shift was coming to an end. JC was scheduled to arrive at 6pm. I got off at 5 so we made plans to have dinner together. On my way home from the hospital I picked up some sushi. When I got home I quickly jumped in the shower, changed into a tea length mint green A-line dress and my black wedges. I put on some makeup, went downstairs, opened a bottle of wine and lit a couple of candles around the kitchen. 

We always ate in the kitchen because the dining room table was too big. 

I poured myself a glass of wine and sat at the island, checking the clock: 6.30pm, JC must be on his way. I grabbed a magazine and started flipping through it, sipping on wine, yawning, blinking slowly…

I woke up in a startle. I looked around the dark room and recognized I was in JC’s bedroom, a small blanket over me, I was still wearing my dress. I looked over at the other side of the bed and found a sleeping JC, on his side, his back to me. His breathing was shallow and rhythmic. I sighed deeply. I must’ve fallen asleep before he got home. I looked over at the clock on the nightstand, 1.45AM. Damn it, I missed our dinner. I snuggled up to him and put my arms around his waist. He sighed loudly and turned over on his back, opening up his arm and pulling me to him. 

“Hey pretty girl,” he whispered groggily. I quickly scooted closer to him and buried my face in the nook of his neck. 

“Hi baby,” I took a deep breath taking in his scent and smiled. “Ugh I missed you. What happened?” 

He chuckled softly and kissed the top of my head. 

“I came home and you were bent over the kitchen island, snoring and drooling, the whole nine,” he said laughing. 

“Oh no,” I buried my face deeper. 

“I’m kidding. You were peacefully asleep. There was just a little drool. But you looked so precious I couldn't wake you up. I brought you to bed so you could get some proper rest. I bet you’re beat.” 

I kissed his cheek. The scruff from a couple days of not shaving prickling my lips. I smiled and bit my lip. 

“I was,” I ran my hand down his chest. “But I’m awake now.” 

“Oh?” he said, blue eyes wide. Turning on his side to face me, he covered my mouth with his and embraced me in a passionate kiss. 

It had only been a couple of days since we had seen each other but I felt so hungry for him. My hands impatiently and clumsily tugged at his pajama bottoms trying to push them off. I often joked that he was a tease because he slept in nothing else than pajama bottoms, but right this moment it was only turning me on. 

He was cool and smooth as he slowly turned me until I had my back to him, one hand on my thigh, the other one slowly unzipping my dress. As the zipper opened he placed small kisses on my exposed skin, sending shivers up and down my spine. I could feel him smiling against my skin, the goosebumps guiding him, while he enjoyed the effect he was having on me. 

He slid the dress off of me and turned me around again. 

“Hi,” he whispered when we were face to face again. 

“Hi baby,” I leaned in and kissed him. A slow, lingering, sensual kiss. As we parted he sighed, putting his forehead to mine, eyes closed. 

“I can’t believe how much I missed you,” he said softly. “I love you, baby.” He pulled me closer and held me tight. His hands started to roam. “There’s something I need to talk to you about,” he said as his lips grazed my shoulder, then my collarbone. “But it’s gonna have to wait because I can’t really concentrate right now, there’s a half naked chick in my bed.” I laughed as we both gave into each other. 

A drove slowly out of the driveway. A silly grin plastered on my face. The image of JC sleeping peacefully as I placed a small kiss on his forehead before heading out, replaying in my mind. I was feeling very happy and very in love as I pulled up to the hospital’s parking lot. 

I met up with Ana at the entrance, one of the other girls on the program that I had gotten along with from day one. 

“You’re looking chipper today. didn’t you get off the weekend shift last night? Wasn’t it awful?” she asked as we walked through the big glass doors. 

“It was rough,” I said smiling. “But the boyfriend came home last night, so all in all it was a good night.”

“Ha, got ya!” she said bumping her shoulder with mine. “So what does he do again?”

“He’s a musician.” 

“Oh wow, talk about a competitive field. And we complain, yikes!” 

“He does okay,” I replied grimacing. 

“So you guys were long distance, right? Guess it’s good you got that down for when you decide on residency, if it takes you somewhere far.” 

“Yeah…” I frowned. This had been a thought in the back of my mind, but it had been a while since I had really thought about it. 

I sighed as I parked beside JC’s Range Rover. It had been a very long day. I checked myself in the rearview mirror and shook my head. I looked a mess. I had no makeup, my hair was in a very messy bun, my lips were chapped from not drinking any water, my scrubs were wrinkled, I looked tired, like the lack of sleep from the weekend had finally caught up to me. 

I walked into the house and dropped my backpack on the floor. There was soft jazz coming from the kitchen. 

I walked in to find a candle lit room with two beautifully set places on the kitchen island. JC was uncorking a bottle of wine, wearing a black button down, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, a pair of tight dark blue jeans that hung beautifully on his hips and his favorite pair of black boots. His hair was perfectly styled to let his curls bounce around but still stay in place, he was wearing his thin rimmed glasses and the scent from his cologne lingered in the room. He was perfect. 

“Hey pretty girl,” he said when he saw me standing there, probably with a stupid look on my face. My mouth open in awe, of him, of what he had prepared for me. 

“I didn’t cook,” he chuckled, “don’t worry. I ordered Italian because I know how you love your pasta.” He flashed me his million dollar smile and I felt my heart skip a beat. He handed me a glass of wine. 

“This is perfect Jace.”

“You are perfect,” he pecked my lips. “And you look beautiful.” 

“Ok so NOW I know you’re lying.” 

We had the most perfect of dinners. So much so, that we decided we had to have dinner together at least two times a week. Which we quickly found out was easier said than done. 

“So I met up with Dallas when I was in LA, you know Dallas? My producer friend?” I nodded as I took a bite of my ravioli. “So he’s working on a soundtrack and is having trouble with the single for it and asked me to come help him.”

“That’s so awesome!” I replied. He lit up immediately. 

“You think so?” I nodded smiling. 

“I’m glad you think so, I agreed and I was kind of struggling with that decision, but I really wanna do it. I had a bunch of ideas on the plane back home.” He grinned a silly grin and took a bite of garlic bread. “He’s coming next week but we’re probably going to LA or New York to record.” 

And that’s how the two a week dinners got complicated. 

It quickly became obvious to me that JC’s job meant he was nocturnal. He also could spend ridiculous amounts of time holed up in that studio of his. 

The first two weeks we made it work. I’d cook or we’d order in, but we quickly started missing dates. Whether because I got stuck at the hospital or JC lost track of time. We’d party together sometimes but mostly, he’d party on his own when I really had to study. I would wake up early and he’d be asleep, I’d go to bed and he’d still be out. I would sometimes wake up and he would still be out. 

We never really talked about it. I always felt I couldn't really complain, in a couple of weeks I’d be back home and he’d be doing whatever on his own. Plus I really was incredibly busy. 

It was after the third or fourth time of sipping wine on my own and putting away cold untouched home cooked food in tupperwares that it hit me and I could just picture our future: spending our lives together… completely apart.

I bit the pen in my mouth nervously and tapped my foot on the floor. 

Ana looked at me and frowned. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked. We were sitting in the hospital cafeteria having lunch. There was a stack of papers in front of me and I was looking at it quite nervously. 

“Nothing,” I said in a low voice, pursing my lips together. 

“Yeah,” she said and took the stack of papers in her hands. 

“Ugh, I haven’t even started studying for this,” she told me and put them down. 

In front of me were the USMLE Step 2 forms that I needed to fill out in order to be eligible for taking the test. 

“What’d you get in Step 1,” she asked as she put a potato chip in her mouth. 

“243,” I said. 

Her eyebrows shot up. “Ok, very nice. Why are you freaking out about Step 2, then?” 

“I… kinda haven’t told my boyfriend I’m doing the USMLE.”

“Why not?” I raised both my shoulders. 

“I haven’t even told him I’m thinking about doing my Residency in the States.” 

Ana gave me a look and she was right. it wasn’t ok. We hadn’t talked about it. About me moving indefinitely to the USA to do my residency. Mostly because that meant having to make a very permanent decision as to where I was going to be for the next 4 to 6 years after graduating. 

“I just don’t think I wanna get matched here in Orlando and that’s a whole conversation I don’t know we’re ready to have.” I told her. 

“I get it,” she said sympathetically. “My ex and I broke up because he matched in Johns Hopkins. That was too good to pass up, and we didn’t really want to be long distance. But you’ve done long distance, and have made it this far. Would it really be a problem?” 

“I honestly don’t know. He’s kinda between jobs now, so I don’t even think he knows what’s gonna happen to him. But… I don’t know,” I said chewing on the inside of my cheek. “I kinda feel like this is a decision I should make for myself, you know?” 

“It kinda is,” Ana replied, taking her last chip, putting it into her mouth and making a ball with the now empty bag. “Orlando is not the best to be matched in, but it’s not the worst either.”

“Yeah, totally, I’ve loved it here.” 

“Ok, so what’s your dream match?” Ana asked. I shrugged. “Bullshit you don’t know, we all know which one we would really want. Tell you this, at the count of 3 we both say our dream match, ok? One, two, three,” Ana counted and without thinking I said: “San Francisco.” My eyes grew a little wide, as if I was only just realizing this. 

“Ha! I knew you knew. And that one, my friend, is an excellent choice.” 

----------

I laid my head on my hands. My elbows on the edge of the pool as the cool water helped with my aching muscles from being on call last night. An empty beer bottle sitting beside me, my boombox on the table beside the lounging chairs. 

I heard the front door open and close and footsteps walking into the house and up to the stairs. I smiled to myself and closed my eyes, waiting to hear him calling for me. 

“Kiki?” he called out. I lifted my head, squinting my eyes when the sun got into them. 

He stepped out following the sound of the music. 

“There you are, baby” he said smiling down at me. “I thought you’d be asleep.” 

“Yeah I came home with that plan but then I laid there alone and couldn’t fall asleep so I decided to do this instead.” I kicked my feet around in the water, splashing a little. 

“Sorry I wasn’t here, we pulled an all-nighter with Dallas. He’s leaving later today so it had to be done.” He kneeled down to me and pecked me on the lips. I fought the urge to pull him into the pool with me. I started to pull myself up to get out of the water.

“No, wait, don’t get out. I’m joining you, just… I want you to hear,” he took a cd case out of his duffel bag, stopped the cd I was listening to and put the one in his hand in. He turned to look at me shyly and smiled as he pressed play. 

A beat started coming out of the speakers. I smiled and looked at him, he was blushing slightly. Suddenly his voice blared through the speakers, I smiled wider. 

Before I could speak he started towards the kitchen, “Let me get you a refill,” he said as he walked away. 

I listened to the song. It was very good, he sounded amazing. JC came back with two open beer bottles, handed me one and took a big swig of his. His free hand clutching his duffel bag strap tightly as it sat across his chest. He was visibly nervous, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, looking at me with the cutest look on his face. 

I beamed up at him, and right there I realized, looking at his handsome face, that I would give up everything if he asked me to. I would stay in Orlando, I would move to Alaska if he wanted me to. But this realization hit me like a ton of bricks, because that wasn’t really what I wanted, and I knew he would never ask me to do such a thing, but the fact that I would be willing to do so made me feel a little uneasy. I must’ve made a face because he frowned. 

“You don’t like it?” he asked.

“No, no, it’s not that. I love it, it’s so good. I just wasn’t expecting you to be singing it.” I lied. Not completely though, because the last thing I’d heard was someone else was doing the song. 

“Yeah, I know and we entertained some options but at the end Dallas like my demo best, so…” he shrugged. 

“It’s amazing.” I told him, truthfully, pushing away any negative feelings I was having. 

“Yeah?” his face lit up. He put his duffel bag down and quickly pulled his t-shirt over his head as he kicked his sneakers off of his feet, he undid his jeans and pulled them down and did a little hop as he took one socks off and then the other. He was left there standing under the sun in just his boxer briefs. I had to catch a breath. He was a vision, and I had never felt more attracted to him than right there. My eyes travelled from his blue eyes to his mouth, down his muscular chest to his boxers. I bit my lip and then looked up at his face again. He was blushing and smiling. 

“Make me feel like a piece of meat, why don’t you?” he said laughing as he pulled down his underwear, his excitement very apparent now. 

I giggled as he ran towards the pool and jumped in making a huge splash. He emerged a mess of wet curls and 2-day scruff. He was gorgeous. 

He took me in his arms and kissed me deeply. His hands around my waist as my legs went around his and I pulled him closer by the neck. My lips parted as he explored my mouth with his tongue. 

I moaned into the kiss as his hands undid my bathing suit and the top floated away. His lips made its way to my chin, up my jawline, down my neck leaving a trail of wet kisses. He traced my collarbone with his tongue making my mind spin and then settled in between my breast. 

“Oh my God, you taste so good,” he said in a breathy whisper. My hands tangled up in his hair. 

Feeling like I could never get enough of him and wanting to be as close as humanly possible to his body, I kicked off the lower part of my bathing suit and guided him to me. 

The feel of our bodies finding a rhythm always made me go a little crazy. The thought of never wanting to be away from him came back to me and I just chose to get lost in the moment and enjoy the sensations he was eliciting in me. 

I pulled his head away to look deep into his eyes as he picked up the pace a little and in between huffs and puffs I told him I loved him and I felt more vulnerable than ever. The smile on his face as he said those words back made me lose all control as I moaned his name loudly and my nails dug into his back, feeling him tense up and pull me closer.

After our aquatic escapade we decided to take a quick shower together and after an encore in the bedroom we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Both exhausted but extremely happy. This had been the most time we’d spent together in weeks. 

JC’s rumbling tummy woke me up. He was still fast asleep, spread out on the bed. His chest rising and falling with every breath. I sat up on the bed and admired him for a minute. I jumped up from the bed, put on my sweats and then hurried downstairs to start cooking dinner.

JC came downstairs after a while, wearing sweatpants and nothing else. I smiled at him as he wrapped one arm around my waist and pecked my cheek quickly and then went to the fridge to retrieve two beers. He tilted his head towards me and offered me one. 

I shook my head, “I’m having wine,” I told him and looked over to my already half empty wine glass beside the stove. I effortlessly minced some cilantro and dropped it into the pot whose contents were already slowly boiling. 

JC smiled biting his lip. “I love to watch you cook.” he said as he sat down at the kitchen island. 

“Sit tight babe, it’ll be ready in 5 minutes.” 

He opened a couple drawers taking out place mats, bowls and cutlery and placed them neatly on the island, in front of the stools, taking a seat on one of them. 

I stirred the pot and took a deep breath. 

“So, Jayce,” I said nervously, “I kinda wanted to talk to you about something.” 

He looked up from the newspaper he’d found on the table and smiled. 

“I am applying to the USMLE step 2 exam… because I am considering doing my residency here in the states.” JC looked at me with a blank expression. 

“O-k,” he said. “I kinda already had assumed you’d do your residency here. Isn’t it what this whole rotation in the hospital is about?” 

I could feel the frustration starting to bubble up inside me. But I smiled sweetly and took a deep breath. 

“Um, yes and no, baby. I kinda need to get licensed to practice medicine here. Hence the USMLE.” 

“What is that?”

“The United States Medical Licensing Exam.” I said. He laughed, “Oh, right. Ok. So how does it work, I don’t understand.” 

“I don’t understand, I don’t understand,” I sang under my breath to the beat of Tearin’ up my heart. 

He puffed. “Kiki.” 

“What?”

“Why are you nervous?” 

I put the ladle down and sighed loudly. “Because this is a big deal for me, it’s a big decision.” I grabbed the pot from the stove and placed it in front of the plates. grabbed the ladle and scooped some of the brothy rice into the bowl that sat in front of JC. 

“Wow, that smells amazing.” He said, licking his lips and grabbing a spoon. “Ooop, hot.” I sat next to him and fixed myself a plate. 

“So, I already took the step 1 exam and now I need to take Step 2. This one is a two step test. The first one I’ll take back home and the second I’ll have to travel back here to examine actors and this will determine whether or not I have what it takes to practice medicine here in the States. Depending on the score I get and the hospitals I choose I will get matched, and that will determine where I do residency.” 

JC chewed a little and swallowed. 

“Ok,” he said. “Wow, this is amazing by the way.” 

“Joshua…”

“Erickaaaaa....” he giggled. “Ok, so you pick Orlando and we cross our fingers?”

“Or... I get matched somewhere with a better program…” I looked at him anxiously, “and go there.” 

He looked at his food and finished chewing the bite he had just taken. He swallowed slowly. “But if you had the chance to go here… would you?” 

“I think if you asked me to… I would.”

We both sat looking at each other, not knowing what else to say. 

--------------- 

My heart pounded as the town car came to a stop. I looked down at the beautiful little black gucci dress JC had gifted me to wear to my first red carpet. I played with the soft fabric as he squeezed my hand. 

“Don’t be nervous, it’s gonna be fun.” he told me, obviously nervous himself. 

The Atlanta premiere of Drumline, as featured artist on the soundtrack, JC was expected to attend and perform at the premiere party. 

They opened the door and a million flashes started going off. “Here we go,” JC mouthed to me as he stepped outside, waving and smiling as he helped me out of the vehicle. He held tight to my hand as we started walking. The noise from the cameras and the yelling of the photographers was unbelievable. JC breezed through the crowd like a pro, helping me along the way. I stood to the side as he posed for pictures and then went to a couple of the people calling his name to answer a few questions. He was gracious and funny and kind. He politely waved at them and then reclaimed his spot next to me, placing his hand on the small of my back as he guided me along the rest of the red carpet and into the theater. 

“Wow,” I said as the usher guided us to our seats. 

“This was the easy part, we still have the party… and the song.” he told me, as he laid his hand on my thigh. 

I bounced my head as the drums started. An actual marching band on stage getting the crowd ready. now the familiar beat of “Blowing me up” started. I felt my heart start racing, nervous and excited for JC as he took the stage and everyone went wild for him. His moves were crisp and effortless, his vocals flawless, he looked amazing and it was obvious he was having a blast up there. 

When he finished the crowd went nuts, JC took a bow smiling that million dollar smile of his and stepped off stage. 

I threw my arms around him and smooched him. I was feeling so proud. 

Everyone at the party was all smiles and praises for him, he was gracious and thankful but I could see he felt a little awkward at times by the way he would scratch the back of his neck and mumble when he talked. 

I, too, was feeling very out of place. I had never felt comfortable at the big Hollywood parties and kept tugging on my dress wishing It was a little longer. JC never left my side, though, and I was thankful for it. 

He sank into the backseat of the town car and ran his hands through his hair and exhaled loudly. “Well that was fun, kinda,” he said looking over at me. 

I smiled and laid my head on his shoulder, putting my hand in his. 

“You were amazing up there. I feel like I didn’t get the chance to tell you,” I snuggled close to him. 

“Thanks pretty girl,” he kissed the top of my head. “It was so much fun being on stage again, I missed it.” He glanced out of the window and sighed. “Dallas thinks I should do a solo album.” 

“I agree with Dallas.” JC turned to look at me. 

“You do?”

“Absolutely,” I said now facing him too. “You are such an amazing performer and songwriter. You certainly have a lot to say. It could be fun.” 

He gave me a half smile and sighed again. “I guess it could be fun…. I hate all the other stuff though. The reporters, the interviews, the pictures. It’s so much fun when the guys are there but every time I have to do it alone I feel so… alone… and out of place.”

“Well yeah but there is always a part of the job that you’re not gonna like. Like for me, I hated all of my surgical rotations, but I had to do them so I could do the clinical ones, you know?” 

“Yeah, ok nerd!” 

“Shut up, you love me.” 

“You have no idea. Now let’s go, there’s a hot tub in that hotel suite just screaming your name… and in a couple minutes you’ll be screaming mine.” I giggled loudly as he pulled me out of the car and into the hotel lobby. 

------------------

I laid awake. Turning on one side, then to the other. JC snored softly beside me. 

I had been having trouble sleeping for a few nights. My rotation was over and I was due to go home in a couple weeks. I wasn’t ready to go home, I wasn’t ready to make decisions. I wasn’t ready to leave JC. 

I had decided to stay two weeks after the rotation was over just to spend time with JC. And we enjoyed every second of our time together. After almost 4 months of living together it was going to be hell saying goodbye. 

My usual ghosts haunted me. And the thing that scared me the most was that every day a little voice in my head told me exactly what I knew I had to do... but didn’t want to. 

After much dreading the day came. The bags were packed, the plane ticket and passport were safely placed on the coffee table in the living room, the car had been arranged. And now it was time to have the conversation neither one of us wanted to have. 

I sat nervously beside my bag, waiting for JC to be done with a phone call. The rest of my luggage is already on the porch. I could hear him speaking in the next room. I let out a trembly sigh as I heard him hang up and start walking towards where I was sitting. My heart pounded in my ears, my hands were sweaty. We had started this conversation plenty of times in the last week but we never ended it… maybe because we both knew how it needed to end. 

“Sorry,” he said as he took the seat next to me and put his arm around my shoulders pulling me close to him. I buried my face in his chest and tried to speak but couldn’t. His chest rose and sank as he took a deep breath. 

“I think I know what you’re gonna say Kiki,” he said in almost a whisper. 

I looked up at him and pushed myself off of him to look at him better. 

“I think you do.” we were silent for a while just looking at each other. 

“I can’t ask you to choose me over your career,” he finally said and looked down. 

“I want you to,” I said, the tears threatening my eyes. “And at the same time I don’t want you to, because I could never say no if you did... “ I sighed loudly again and stood up. “I can’t ask you to keep waiting for me.... you need to explore what this new solo endeavour will bring and you need to put everything you have in it. We cannot keep living for one or two weeks a year with each other. It’s not fair… not to you… not to me. We barely saw each other while I was working and we were living under the same roof, and this wasn’t even close to the hours I’ll have to put in during residency” 

“I don’t wanna do this Kiki.” 

“Babe,” I said, tears streaming down my face now. “I don’t know who I am without you.” I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. “And I really should...I have been so happy these past six years, but these past few months I realized that every decision I’ve made has revolved around the possibility of seeing you...And I feel like I need to make this decision for me, not us, you know?” 

He took a step forward and grabbed my hands. “I understand…. you are right. I don’t want you to ever resent me.” he brushed my lips with his. “But I love you, and I’ve never been this happy with anyone else so a part of me is screaming at me to be selfish.” 

I pulled him closer and pressed my forehead to his. 

“I love you so much,” I said, stood up on my tiptoes and forcefully kissed his lips. His arms went around my waist and mine around his neck. We shared one last longing kiss as the bell rang. I grabbed his face and looked into his eyes. “You’ll always be my one true love.” I turned away from him and forced myself not to look back. 

----------

I walked into my parents’ house after a whole day of studying at the library. My bag felt heavy on my shoulder, my mind and my body tired. I had two months to go before the clinical part of the Step 2 test. It had been 6 months since I had been back from LA, I was done with rotations and was now waiting for graduation. I had taken the written part one month ago, my heart set on San Francisco, but just a tiny part of me considering Orlando. It was exciting and nerve racking. 

I walked into the kitchen after grabbing the mail from the table in the foyer, when I froze and dropped all the letters on the floor. JC looked up at me, sitting at the kitchen island as my mother dried a glass that she held in her hand. My eyes opened wide, my mouth went dry, my heart pounding in my chest. Six months had passed since I had last seen him, heard from him, touched him and there he was, casually sitting with my mother. 

“Honey, hi, you have a visitor,” my mom told me, the look of surprise on her face much like mine. “And I just remembered I have some errands to run,” she put the glass down and walked towards me. “I’ll be out late, I’ll see you later.” She kissed the top of my head, squeezed me quickly and bent in to whisper in my ear, “Stay calm, hear him out, I love you.” and she hurriedly exited the kitchen, then I heard the front door open and close. 

My mouth was too dry to speak. JC slowly stood up from the stool he had been sitting on. 

“I’m sorry to barge in like this,” he said. “I just really needed to talk to you.” He started towards me but then stopped before he was too close. 

I could smell his cologne and my head started spinning, I grabbed onto the counter to balance myself and keep from falling face first on the floor. 

“Im, uh… it’s um… What are you doing here?” I said. 

“Can we sit down?” he asked. I looked at him from head to toes, still not truly believing he was there, at my parents house, in front of me. 

“Um, yeah yeah, come on,” I led him to the living room. We both sat down without saying anything for a few minutes. 

“I’m sorry to just show up… I know we said we wouldn’t contact each other anymore but I needed to see you. Just to… talk to you, I guess. There were some things that I didn’t get to say to you.” 

“Wait, JC, just wait can I just…?” I started to say and before I knew it I had my arms wrapped around him and had my face buried in the crook of his neck. His smell bringing back all kinds of memories. I fought back tears, “I’ve missed you,” I whispered with a cracked voice. 

His arms now around my waist, his nose in my hair. “I’ve missed you, too pretty girl. You have no idea how hard it was to finally decide to come and see you.”

“You say it like it was a walk around the corner, It’s a 4 hour plane ride JC, what were you thinking?” I asked and without thinking my lips were on his, my hands were in his hair and with a hungry kiss my mind went blank for the first time in months. 

“Wait, wait,” JC said pushing me away. My breathing ragged. “This is not what I came here for.” He said looking at me in the eye. “Ah fuck it,” he crashed his lips into mine again and kissed me so passionately it made my head spin. 

After a while of making out like hormonal teenagers on my parents’ couch I finally managed to make myself stop. JC giggled like a little child when we finally sat up and composed ourselves. 

“That was fun,” he said, his face red, his hair a mess. I ran my hand through it trying to flatten it a little. 

“Great way to break the ice,” I giggled along with him. 

“It’s so good to see you,” he said, his hand to my cheek, “and touch you.” I closed my eyes and smooched his hand. 

“I haven’t changed my mind JC,” I finally said a little above a whisper. 

“I know babe, I just needed to talk to you. I didn’t want to do it over the phone. Email sucks, and a letter just, wouldn’t do it.” 

I looked up at him and smiled. “Ok,” I mouthed. 

“After you left I felt so empty. And it wasn’t that you weren’t there, you were never there for most of our relationship but I missed talking to you and telling you stuff and asking for your opinion and advice and it slowly made me realize that you were absolutely right. I had been relying on you to make decisions for me, like I let you do all the planning around our meetings and stuff so I could dive right into my ‘art’ and then just show up, and that was not fair, for both of us.” 

I smiled at him and then looked down at my hands. 

“Do you know where you’re going to be doing residency?” 

“I still have one more test, I need to submit my list next week, though.” 

“And number one is still…?”

“San Francisco.” He nodded in understanding. 

“I brought you something. I decided to go through with the solo album.” My eyes opened wide and I smiled big. Feeling very proud. “I’ve been writing like crazy and this one…” he went into his duffel bag and took out a little box. “Just poured out of me and I want you to hear it… it’s probably going on the album.” 

We talked for a while longer. He told me all about recording his songs, having fun with it. Talking to the guys about when they were going to go back to recording for Nsync, writing for Nsync, too. It was all looking very exciting for him. I told him about studying for the exams, finishing medical school. I showed him my gown for the graduation ceremony that was happening in two weeks. It was nice talking to him, being close, together. 

"You know what I wanted to tell you?" JC said. "Remember I made fun of your stupid no coming to each other's homes rule, back then?" I nodded. "Well, it turns out you were right, honey. It became unbearable to be in that house without you... so -i decided to sell it." 

"You what?"

"Well yeah, the solo thing keeps me in LA most of the time anyway, so that's where I'm headed." 

And finally the time came again. He had to go, get on a plane. I made fun of him again for being crazy enough to come see me and secretly thanked God for it. 

He wrapped his arms around my waist as we stood on the doorway. His lips close to my ear, I could feel his breath on my skin. 

“I love you, Kiki,” he whispered. “And you’ll kick ass and become the best doctor in the world and cure all the diseases.”

“Jace,” I whispered back. 

“Shhh, you’ll see.” He kissed me softly on the lips. Then gave me a little smile and walked away. 

I walked back into the living room and opened the box he gave me which contained a cd case and a little bag. I was so excited to hear the song my hands were shaking. 

I placed the cd quickly into the stereo system and pressed play. A beautiful melody started coming through the speakers, violins accompanied and when JC’s vocals came on I got goosebumps. 

“Staring out, depressed about

What words I have to plead

So torn apart” 

I sat down with my hands over my mouth. The song was beautiful, the lyrics were heartbreaking. 

“But the days go by and

Things get better” 

Tears filled my eyes. 

“Past the point of reasons

I just want you to believe

That it’s not your fault.” 

Tears streaming down my face now. 

“We’re not the type to just give up

But I know that it’s what’s best for us

The days go by and

Things get better

We’ll pass some crossing roads

Surviving on our own

But the days go by and…”

I sighed loudly and turned to look at the case, on it scribbled in JC’s messy handwriting was “Kiki’s song” I laughed. “God I hope he finds a better title than that.” 

Then I remembered the little bag that came with the CD, I rushed to open it and from it fell the little lion stone attached to the leather string I had bought for him in Germany along with a note. “Find your way back to me, pretty girl. I'll be ready when you are” 

--------------------

I sat nervously in the small waiting room waiting to be called into the room with the examiners. My exam had been scheduled in New York, so that’s where I was, as the TV in the waiting room playing the E! channel cut to footage of Joan Rivers doing interviews on the red carpet of the Grammys. And that’s when I saw his face. JC, on TV, being interviewed. I laughed to myself. 

“So JC, what have you been up to?” 

“Well, you know just having fun, recording on my own, discovering my own voice and things like that.” I watched the interview, my nerves calming a little just by the sound of his voice. 

“One last question darling, the fans want to know. Whatever happened to that necklace you used to wear?” Joan asked him. He gave her a cheeky smile. 

“Well, you know, sometimes you just need to move on but you know, it was always very special to me so it’s being kept safe and I’m sure it’ll find its way back to me someday.” and with that he turned to the camera and gave it a little wink, just as I was being called into the examination room.