42nd and Broadway, 1:03 pm

 

It’s days like these that I have to remind myself why I’m where I am and who I am, who I am really deep down inside.    These are the days that grate on my nerves and yet, oddly enough, Angie tells me they are some of the most important days of my career.  Funny, I always thoughts those days were created in the studio or on stage.  But then once again, I’m proved wrong.  Like Courtney, she’s proved me wrong countless times today.  I think she gets some sort of sick pleasure out of it. 

 

But that would make her too much like Leah and, and I don’t want to go there.

 

No, this new chick is just uptight.  She’s the type of girl that always made me nervous when I was younger.  She’s on the ball, has a palm pilot and is constantly on her cell phone or reviewing a schedule.  She’s always dressed classy, not like a suit, but khakis and a button down shirt.  Here I am in these too tight jeans and heels and this push up bra that makes my boobs ache and scratches my nipples.  I mean, lace is pretty an all but really, if you’re not sleeping with anyone it really serves no purpose but to scratch your boobs.

 

I glance over and she’s on her phone.  I think she’s talking to Angie.  She’s probably telling her how it was my fault that I didn’t answer my phone yesterday.  I couldn’t help it.  I was still a bit jet lagged and tired from that club appearance I had to do the night before and wanted a nap on my break, just a one hour nap.  But when I didn’t meet Courtney down in the lobby and didn’t answer the phone when she called to see where I was, I got in big trouble.

 

I was late, an hour late to an MTV interview.   And I know, I know damn well you just can’t be late for those types of things.  But I didn’t go to sleep thinking “ooo I hope I don’t wake up and I’m late.”  I think she thinks that that’s what I want, that I wanted to be late yesterday, that I wanted to rush and freak out, and that I wanted to not only miss an interview but almost be a no show for a live taping of TRL.  She probably really does think that I just don’t care about these interviews.

 

And ya know what?  In a way I don’t.  Shouldn’t the music just be good enough on its own? But I guess not.  I guess when the world wants to know if you really are a party girl, or if I really do have a sexual relationship with my best friend then that’s all that matters.  Who cares if I have a number one single right?

 

I have a number one single.

 

I smile. 

 

It’s been number one for two weeks. 

 

I smile even more and almost laugh.

 

I look over at her again and she’s digging in her purse for something.  It’s like this grandma style purse, big and leather and ugly.  I guess it’s more like a briefcase or a satchel. Man, maybe she needs to get laid.  I laugh.  Maybe I need to get laid.  What the hell am I talking about?  I’ve never been laid in my life, I mean never like a wham-bam moment.  I don’t know why I keep thinking somehow I’ll magically get a man.  In this business I’ll be lucky to get hooked up in the tabloids.  Maybe Jake Gyllenhall.  I think he’s free. Hmm…that’d be hot.  I can see it now: Jake and Mere, together in love on the cover of People.  And I’ve never even met the guy.

 

God, if I have to hear that damn Fur Elise ring tone one more time I’m going to vomit.  I look over and hear, “You have three more interviews this afternoon.  If you are hoping for a break, pray that whoever this is will cancel.”  I roll my eyes and frown.  Could she be more depressing?

 

I guess not.  I guess she could pretend to be a friend and then sell some fake story to US Weekly.  I frown.  You’re supposed to stop thinking about that.  Remain happy, remain calm.  No, Courtney’s good.  She’s very professional, clearly great at her job.  I know Angie wouldn’t have picked her if she didn’t think she could handle it.  Hell, I think Angie wants her to handle me.  But I don’t need handling.  I need her to get off my back, but this new chick has made a permanent home there and it’s starting to really annoy me.

 

I mean, she’s nice and all, I think, but she just needs to live a little.  She doesn’t even think my jokes are funny.  Ok, so most of the time my jokes aren’t funny, but still.

 

She’s on the phone and I know it is someone wanting another interview by the way she sounds.  I hope to God she doesn’t pencil me in.  I already have a full schedule and I can only fake smile and fake peppiness and fake enthusiasm so much.  Thank God the people at my last interview were fairly laid back about everything.

 

“No, I’m sorry Miss Craven is booked all afternoon.  If you give me your name and number I will talk with my client and see if I can schedule a meeting some other time this week.”

 

She calls me Miss Craven on the phone?  The last time I was called Miss Craven was in 11th grade by my math teacher Mrs. Swallsby.  She was 75 and wouldn’t retire.

 

I hear her repeat a telephone number and it sounds familiar, but I don’t know where to place it.  I flip open my own phone and see there are no missed calls and no messages.  Dammit Megan, you were supposed to call me and let me know how your date went last night.  I smile to myself, she better not still be on the date.  Little whore.

 

“Ok, thank you Mr. Ayala, I will call you back as soon as it’s convenient.”

 

My head shoots up and stare at her.  Did she just say…

 

“Mr. Ayala?”

 

She snaps the phone closed and places it in her lap.  She has a piece of paper in her hand.  I know what’s on that paper.  It’s what I wanted so bad to ask for two months ago, what I was too chicken to ask for.  I stare at it.  “Yes, a Mr. Trace Ayala wanted me to pencil you in for a meeting with his client today and I told him you were too busy.”  She stares at me hard.  “Because you are.  You have no time for anything extra.”

 

“Well make time!”  I panic.  She can’t just…no!  I almost laugh.  It’s been too long and I’m not going to just let this opportunity slip by.  How did he know I was in New York?  Wait, how the hell did I not know he was in New York! I shake my head.  I wonder how he got my number and I wonder if maybe he’s had it all along.  I bite my lip and stare at that paper some more.  “You have to call him back and do something for me Courtney, you just have to.”

 

“And you have more interviews and have to get ready for that big party tonight.  You have to go, and I don’t care what you say.  Angie told me you have to stay the entire time. No skipping out.”

 

I plead with her. “Please, just call him back.”

 

“No.”

 

I glare.  And then snatch the paper from her hand before she can file it in her traveling rolodex.

 

“Meredith!”

 

I dial the number as fast as possible and smile to myself before she can do anything about it.  I swear to God if she snatches the phone from my hand I’ll sue her and make Teddy throw her out of this car.

 

It rings and I hear a sigh “This is Trace…”  He sounds annoyed, tired. 

 

I laugh, “What up, mutant?”

 

He laughs deeply, “Is this Lesbo?”

 

“Don’t call me that!”  I hate that nickname.  Actually I don’t mind when Trace calls me that.  Anyone else who says it makes me hate them for life.  But I guess I have a good reason.

 

“So, who was that bitch on the phone?”

 

“That’s my new assistant.  And don’t call her that, she’s just doing her job.”  I glance over and she’s glaring at me.  Ok, so maybe she’s a little bit of a bitch.

 

“Who found her? The label?”

 

“Angie picked her.”

 

“Well tell Angie to unpick her.  She’s way too uptight and I only talked to her for five seconds.”

 

I laugh.  I love Trace. He’s so great.  I wish I had an assistant like him.  He’s always relaxed and laid back and yet knows how to work, when to work and when to just chill.  And he gets things done.  Prompto.  Angie said Courtney had a lot of experience.  Yeah, maybe in plain white toast land but down here in this world we like jelly and butter, none of this hard and dry crap. “She’s only been working a couple of days.”

 

“This might seem odd, but please, if you’re gonna talk about me do it behind my back and not in my face.”

 

I look away and roll my eyes as we crawl through New York.  You’d think it wouldn’t take that long to get a couple blocks down the street.  It probably would have been quicker to walk.  Yeah, I’m sure Teddy would have loved that.  I clear my throat and realize that Trace is just hanging on the other line and he probably knows what I’m about to ask.  So, I go ahead and ask it, “Anyway, um…is Justin around?”

 

I feel my face burn.  God, I’m pathetic.  I can’t even keep a simple crush a secret.

 

“Yeah, he’s just in the other room.  What time you want me to tell him you’re coming?”

 

I sigh and just adore how he assumes I can drop everything and go hang out.  I wish I could.  I wish I didn’t have interview after interview after meeting after dinner party after interview after gag me.  But I do.  "I don’t know if I can..."

 

“You sound sick, Mere.  You need to rest.” I hear laughter and this time I think I can hear his laugh in the background.  Well dammit, if he’s not in the other room let me talk to him, you dumb mutant. 

 

I laugh again.  God, it feels good to laugh.  Like really laugh. Not that fake laugh you do with interviewers and not me having to laugh at myself in front of Courtney to see if she’ll crack a smile.  A real laugh.  "You’re horrible, Mutey."  I don’t know why I call him that.  I guess it’s ‘cause when I spent that week recording with them in LA everyone called him midget and I felt bad for him.  He’s not that short.  He’s taller than me.  So instead of midget I call him mutant ‘cause at the time he wouldn’t shut up about that X-men movie.  Of course he’ll say it’s ‘cause I’m obsessed with his mutantly large penis.

 

And no, I don’t know the size of his penis and I don’t really want to.

 

“Yeah well...boss’s idea.  You get sick and he gets to wear his nurse outfit.”

 

“Hmm, I don’t know.  Short white skirt, keds and a little hat seems worth it.”  I laugh at the image. “Maybe you’re right.”  I clear my throat and start to cough and then try my best to sniffle.

 

"Oh no you don’t."

 

I glance over and she’s not even looking at me.  Just staring at her palm pilot with a scowl.  God, it was a joke.  A joke lady!  I make a mental note to find out where she comes from and make sure never to visit there.

 

“So, where are you guys at?”

 

“The Ritz, baby! Where else?”

 

I suppress the urge to squeal.  It’s the best damn news I’ve heard all fucking day.  I use to stay at the Marriott, a nice suite and all, but now that I’m making big bucks, or whatever those people up Sony say, they’ve upgraded me.   “Really?!”  Ok, stop it Mere.  That kind of was a squeal. 

 

Trace chuckles, “Of course.”

 

“Well, me too.”

 

“You serious, girl?”

 

“That’s what happens when you have a number one single.” I’m not trying to brag.  I’m just so excited.  My first album, well, I’ll be honest.  It was pretty much crap.  I mean, everyone was like, ooo up and coming new artist but no one really bought it.  Yeah it had a couple of decent hits but it was a factory record.  I had little say on it and most of the songs were generic.  And then I was out in LA with my best friend looking to buy me my first house and we went to this club and I met this guy who happened to be best friends and the personal assistant to a very, very famous entertainer.  Then the shit hit the fan and the little session he had scheduled had to be canceled.  I had to deal with the mess that was my life and my career and hope and pray that I wouldn’t be drop kicked back to Georgia.

 

But about a week or two later I got this phone call, a phone call from that entertainer himself, apologizing, though he had no reason to, and rescheduling.  We clicked in the studio, got along really well.  It was a perfect mesh.  We worked all week, for insanely long hours on three songs, one that’s on my album and two that he might put on his.  He got me the connections and introduced me to a lot of people, people who made it possible for me to have a number one single and a hot up and coming album. 

 

And of course I developed a little crush along the way.  But hell, who wouldn’t in my shoes?  He’s attractive and kind and he helped me out when I was, quite honestly, pretty depressed.  My world was flipped, my career almost ruined and he brought all that back for me.

 

“I heard about the single.  It’s a jam girl.  It’s hot.”  That makes me really smile.  “We're on the fifteenth floor, 3012, come up when you get the chance.”  I love how he doesn’t even question it.  He knows I’ll come up.  He knows I’ll figure out some way to come see them.  It’s not that I’m some pathetic teen who swoons over every hot guy.  I think Trace knows that sometimes you need a familiar face once in a while in this business.  I also think he understands how important it is for a girl like me to have someone that I can talk to, who’s been there before, who has the same type of pressures I have and knows how to handle them. I mean really, he’s a veteran in this business at 25.  And even though I’m only a year younger, I’m just starting out.  Plus, I’m pretty much certain that Trace knows I have the hots for his best friend.

 

I sigh and look at the clock.  I haven’t even had a decent lunch yet and it’s almost 1:30.  I bet I won’t even get one today. “It probably won’t be until late. My slave driver says I have back to back interviews until this schmooze fest I have to go to tonight. I don’t wannnaaa..."

 

He clears his throat and says, “Hang on a sec…”  I can hear him talking to someone and he soon comes back over the line “Justin wants to know what time is your schmooze fest over.” 

 

God, I wish I could just talk to him myself. I hate this middle man shit.  I mean I love Trace and all but…I shake my head and say, “hold on…” pulling the phone back from my lips. I look over at Courtney.  “What time do you think we'll be done tonight?”

 

She groans and rolls her eyes towards me.  “Late.”

 

“Just tell me the time.”  She crosses her arms. Don’t make me do it.  She ignores me.  Fuck, I don’t want to whine but I fucking guess I’ll have to.  “Come onnnn, what timeeee Courtney!  Just tell me when we’ll be done tonight.”

 

She seems disgusted with me and smacks her hand down on her satchel. “There is no set time, Meredith.  It’s a dinner party, an important one.  Midnight, maybe?  One a.m.?  I don’t really know.  But I know there’s no time to go have a party with those friends of yours.”

 

She makes it sounds like we are a gang of hoodlums.  It’s Justin and Trace.  Big fucking deal.  We’ll probably just watch TV like we did those late nights, or I guess early mornings, at the studio when we’d take a break and end up just shitting around. “I just have to make an appearance, right?  You know, talk to people, kiss ass, etcetera.”

 

“Angie said you stay from start to finish.”

 

I groan.  I hate this shit.  They are the worst things ever, these stupid parties where I have to go and suck up to people who know nothing about me and think they know something about music ‘cause they sit behind a desk and look at marketing strategies.  Whatever.  They better have a good caterer.  “But I have to be well rested for my interview at Z100 tomorrow morning, right Court?”

 

“Exactly, and that’s why you are going to go to this party until I say so and then you are to come back and go straight to bed.”

 

I shake my head and wave my free hand, “Sure, right. So what time will it be over?”

 

“Meredith…” She rubs her forehead.  Geez lady, get a grip.  I’m not that annoying! I wanna ask her if she needs some Aleve or ibuprofen but she’ll probably just get more pissed off at me.

 

“Just tell me.  Like 10 or 11?”

 

“I’m not telling you.”

 

I growl and say “fine” and move the phone to where I can talk to Trace.  “Let’s say 11, ok?”

 

“Sounds good, Lessy.”

 

I smile and roll my eyes.  “See ya mutant.” I hang up the phone.  This should be a happy moment.  I should be ecstatic that I’m going to see him, and I am.  But the mood is still dampened by Miss Priss beside me who’s acting like me seeing some guy for an hour is gonna cause the Lord to flood the earth again.  She’s probably making a list right now of which animals she still needs to get two of.  “See, that wasn’t so hard.”

 

“What the hell is all this about Meredith?”

 

Damn, she seems so mad.  I try to think back and see if I said anything offensive to her or about her.  I can’t remember.  I even told Trace not to call her a bitch, even though she is one. “Nothing.”

 

“You can not go out and party!”

 

Sometimes I wonder if she thinks the tabloid stories are true.  This whole week, ever since I met her she’s mothered me.  The first night together I just wanted to order a glass of wine, just one fucking glass of wine with my stupid room service of pasta and she flipped out and told me I was going to get drunk and get a hang over and be unprepared in the morning.  Ya know, I think I figured it out.  The bitch is nuts. “I’m not going to party.  I going to go up two floors to see a friend I haven’t seen in a couple of months.  Get over it.”

 

“You mean to have some party in their hotel room!”

 

“I don’t think so.”  I think about it.  A party with Justin?  Nah.  I mean he knows how to party, I’m pretty sure.  But after that week with him out in LA, cooped up in the studio for long hours I bet he’ll be on the couch watching a basketball game or playing play station or something.  Probably in his “jammies.”

 

I feel my face burn and I bite my lip and look out the window. He always looked so cute and comfortable in his sweat pants and a white t-shirt.  And his muscles always looked so fucking awesome in that shirt.

 

Then I hear her groan, again.  This chick is getting old.  Maybe I should call Angie.  “Why are you blushing!  This isn’t the time to have some love affair with some guy you use to know.  You’re too busy for that!”

 

I almost laugh.  Love affair?  Wow, hello drama queen.  But I don’t laugh.  I wish it was a hot love affair.  But I’m sure he sees me as just another sweet girl.  I mean it was nice enough for him to call me up here in New York.  That’s gotta count for something, right?  I shouldn’t get my hopes up.  I mean, yeah, we really clicked back in LA.  And maybe we flirted a little.  But we didn’t kiss, though I wanted to, and I think he was dating someone at the time anyway.  So, whatever.  For all I know he might be married or something by now. 

 

God, I hope not.

 

“It’s not just some guy and it’s not a fucking love affair.  We’re just friends!” I sigh and grab her arm.  She looks at my hand and then me like she wants to say ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’.  “Come on Court, I don’t get to have a lot of friends with my kind of schedule.  And the few that I do have I barely get to see.  Can’t you just give me this rare opportunity to see one of my only friends?  Please.”

 

So it’s a bit of a lie and a smear of a stretch.  I have a bunch of friends but not a lot of close ones, or ones that I’m super comfortable with.  And I do get to see them, but not very often and not for very long periods of time.  And, well, dammit, this isn’t just any old friend.  This is Justin.

 

“Ugh, you aren’t gonna shut up about this are you?” She snatches her arm away quickly and pulls her phone out all disgusted.  “Ya know what, I can’t believe I’m going to do this, but why don’t I give you that one hour with him this afternoon and then tonight you can go to the party and forget about him and do your business.”

 

I stare at her.  For a second I assume she’s joking by her sarcasm, but then she actually flips open the phone and presses a few buttons.  And then I hear, “Yes, hello, this is Courtney Dawson I spoke to you earlier about my client Miss Craven.  She seems to have an open spot around 4:30.  Would that be a good time to schedule a meeting with your client?” She pauses and I smile.  “What do you mean am I serious?  Of course, I’m serious.  Ok, fine then.  It’s settled.  We shall see you then.”

 

She snaps the phone shut and doesn’t look at me when she says, “When we get back to the hotel after interviews you will have one hour, that is it.  Then you have to be in our room to let Shanda get you ready for your dinner.”

 

“Really!” I want to hug her.

 

“After these next few interviews, yes.”

 

“I think I might ask Shanda if she can just bring her supplies up to their room and she can do me up there.  He won’t mind.  Will you call her and ask her for me?”

 

Courtney gives me a skeptical look. “Are you sure your friend doesn’t mind?”

 

“Please…Justin?  He won’t care.”

 

“Justin, who?”

 

I suck in a breath and look at her.  I hope she’s not like Leah.  I mean she’s bitchy, but she can’t be really cold hearted and evil.  She just can’t.  I mean, if she is then maybe, maybe this wasn’t meant to be ‘cause bad luck like that just isn’t right for anyone to have to handle.  I swallow the lump in my throat and look outside. My face feels like it’s burning but this time I’m not blushing. “Just Justin.”

 

If she keeps groaning like that Teddy is going to think she’s getting off back in here in the backseat and I don’t need anyone else thinking I’m a lesbian.  “Now isn’t the time to be getting involved.  You know...if something goes wrong, it’s going to be my neck on the line, not yours. So I guess I can understand why you don’t give a damn.”

 

“Courtney, what’s wrong?  Are you ok?”  I look at her hard.  She wasn’t this bad yesterday.  I mean she was pissed about the nap thing, but still.  Maybe she got her period.  “I mean it’s just an hour and just my friend.  That’s all.  Nothing big.”

 

“Yeah, just like your little nap the other day wasn’t big.  You missed those appointments and whose ass got chewed out by Angie?  I don’t think it was yours.”

 

I shrug and play it off.  I really was sorry about that.  And I told her that, like five thousand times yesterday.  But if she keeps bringing it up like this I really am gonna stop caring. “Well, you were supposed to wake me up.”

 

“What do you think the constant ringing was?  Just in your little head?  It was the damn phone!”

 

“But I had it on vibrate.”  It was the truth.  I always have it on vibrate cause if not I’ll forget to turn the ringer off in recording or interviewing.  The car starts to pull to a stop in front of some radio station and I watch her as she gathers all her things and snaps them shut in her little case. 

 

She looks up at me and glares, “That’s exactly my point.”

 

Now what the hell does that mean?  Dammit, all this fighting with her has now given me a headache and I didn’t even have time to listen to my ipod and relax a little before this radio station starts tearing me apart and asking me the same damn questions.

 

They’ll ask me about the tabloids and they’ll ask me to describe the single and the album, and they’ll ask me what I’ve been doing in New York and they’ll ask me about the people I worked with and I’ll give them pretty much the same damn answers I’ve given everyone else today.  But maybe it’ll be different.  Maybe they’ll ask me some off the wall questions. Maybe they’ll ask me about Justin.  They’ll ask me how it was working with him, what we worked on together, how he is in person.

 

And I’ll be honest, and I’ll tell them he’s amazing.  I’ll tell them he’s sweet and hilarious and such a talent.  He was amazing with me in that studio.  He could push me where no one has pushed before.  God I wish he could have done my whole album.  Maybe we’d know each other better.  I wanna get to know him so much better.  He was incredible to work with, incredible to be around.  Something about him calmed me, settled my nerves, enabled me to get over any outside shit or to use it as fuel to spawn creativity. 

 

I find myself biting my nails as we walk into the building, I know I shouldn’t but I can’t contain my excitement.  I wonder what he looks like now, how his hair is, it wasn’t long but wasn’t shaved when we were in the studio.  And he’d always wear that damn Green jacket.  And I remember one day when we were recording I made fun of his beard calling him a lumberjack and the next day he came in with a baby face all clean shaven and smooth.  I…I remember him telling me to feel his face and we were alone in the studio and close and I was hoping he’d kiss me.  I remember him licking his lips and looking like he was going to, looking like he wanted to.  

 

But he didn’t. 

 

And now he’s looking me up in New York and I don’t know what that means.  I want to think that it means more than just a friendly chat.  I want to think that maybe he’s missed me.  But I know he’s probably just being polite, probably just wants to know how promotion is going.  But that’s something and I’ll take it.  I’ll take anything.

 

“You keep biting your nails, Polebutt up there is gonna get pissed at you.”

 

I giggle at the nickname Teddy has given her.  He’s convinced she has a pole up her butt and I’m starting to believe that theory.  Sometimes I wish Teddy was my personal assistant.  He’d probably be horrible at it.  He’d always making fun of me and if I asked him for something he’d just give me this look or say something like, “Until your legs get chopped off in a freak helicopter accident, your tiny ass can get it cha self.”  He’s been with me since the beginning and I trust him with my life.

 

He was there for me when Leah morphed into a psycho bitch and he was there for me when I got really sick.  And that time that guy got into the floor of my hotel room and practically jumped me, he was there, right there to protect me.  It’s amazing how I have all these people to do things for me, to protect me, to keep me in line, keep me grounded, to be a shoulder.  I have a team of professionals around me, Angie, Courtney, Shanda, Teddy and lots of others, not to mention Megan who, well if it weren’t for her, some days I wouldn’t be able to keep my head up. 

 

And yet, there’s something missing and probably fifteen minutes ago I wouldn’t have realized it.  But now, knowing that I’m going to see him and unsure about what that means makes me realize that I really, really miss that.  It’s been years since I’ve had a boyfriend and just as long since I’ve even kissed someone.  And it’s been about as long since I’ve liked someone, like really truly liked someone.  Not just found them attractive but to completely melt when they look at you.  That’s what Justin does for me.  I should be over it.  I should’ve been over it long, long before.  But I’m not.

 

“You’re gonna get to see Tiny today.  You know, Justin Timberlake’s bodyguard.”  I say quietly to Tiny as Courtney has now met up with someone who’s leading us back further into the building.

 

“For real? I haven’t seen T-man in a while.  You gonna hang out with your man?”

 

I gasp a little.  I wish he were mine.  “My man?”

 

“Girl, don’t play that coy shit.  I know you want his junk.”  I smack him in the arm but it doesn’t do anything more than make him laugh.  As much as he can annoy me and pick on me like a big brother, I’m so glad he’s here.  Without him I don’t think I’d be able to handle the days with this new girl.  I still haven’t figured her out and I’m still pretty sure I’m not gonna like her.  She’s so good at her job, almost too good and she has me doing a whole lot of stuff I’ve never had to do before.  I mean, I know this album is supposed to be a bazillion times better and bigger than my old one, but still…

 

I look a head of me and see that she’s turned around staring hard at me.  “You need to hurry up, they’re about to put you on the air!”

 

I want to say something back.  But I don’t.  I just smile and nod my head and then roll my eyes when she looks away. I think I’m going to have to call Angie.  I hate to do it.  But this new chick is just not going to work.

The Ritz, 4:32 p.m.

 

I don’t think this is going to work. I should probably call Angie. Hell, I probably should have told her yesterday that this wasn’t going to work. It’s not that I don’t like her. She’s a sweet girl, she’s just…she’s not what I expected, at all. I mean, I figured there would be times when I’d have to keep her in line or remind her of her schedule. But it’s not like she’s new to this. I thought she had another album with some hits before this one. She acts like she doesn’t care, like all she wants to do is party.

 

Angie and other people have told me that what her old assistant did to her was horrible, and that it was all lies. But maybe she just got ticked off with all of Meredith’s carelessness. I’m supposed to be an assistant, not a fucking babysitter. And she acts like she has no friend in the world. She has friends. I know she does. She’s almost always on the phone or messaging people on her Sidekick. Wanna talk about no friends and no life, come visit my world. I’m pretty much stressed for 16 hours of my day, worried about where she’s supposed to be, what’s she’s supposed to be doing. I’m supposed to get her whatever she needs, to make her comfortable and keep her healthy. The other 8 hours I try to sleep, but in this business the mornings are early and the nights are long and that 16 hours can easily turn into 20, or worse.

 

But I’m use to it. And I love my work.

 

I love my work if my work is easy to deal with. And Meredith is not easy work.

 

I can see how this type of work that she’s doing now is stressful and annoying, but it’s a part of the business and if she doesn’t want to deal with it then she should get a new job. I know that seems harsh, but it’s the truth. I’ve been around long enough to see how this business breaks people, how tough you have to be. I might have had a bird’s eye view of the action, but it’s a view none the less. You have to have a damn strong backbone to be able to work in these conditions.

 

Unless you get lucky.

 

There are some people in my position who have it made, who get to be best friends with their clients. Some start out that way, others build up to that kind of relationship. Well, Meredith and I won’t. I can tell you that right now. Too different, too much. In fact, it’s that name that I kept thinking about today that makes me dwell on it. Trace Ayala. I wondered and wondered all afternoon while I was waiting on her to finish her interviews about where I had heard that name before. It hit me about a minute ago who he was and how I knew that name.

 

In the world of personal assistants, Trace Ayala has it made. Word has it he is excellent at his job. Everyone knows who he is and apparently he can get anything done quickly and efficiently for his client. He’s good at rearranging schedules and making sure no one, or as few as possible, get pissed off in the process. And on top of it his salary is outrageous and his client happens to be his best friend.

 

“Justin Timberlake.” I sigh and shake my head.

 

“What?” I look over and she looks nervous. We’re in the elevator, going up to whatever floor their suite is on. She looks nervous, scared a little. It’s cute in a way, I guess. I mean, you can tell she has a crush, but it’s also annoying. I do not have time to play matchmaker or cover up or best friend for her to cry on if he doesn’t like her back. This is going to be a problem.

 

“I figured it out that that was who this mysterious Justin was.”

 

“How the hell did you do that?”

 

She’s glaring at me now and normally this type of behavior would send me over the edge and piss me off, but when it comes to this kind of stuff I can’t really blame her lack of trust. She was screwed over, no matter how much I’d like to say she deserved it, or how I hoped it smacked some reality into her, I can’t. It was pretty bad. I read the story myself and it was pretty awful what that lady claimed to know about her.

 

Maybe that’s why she’s so slack in everything. Maybe she’s purposefully making me hate her so that I can’t like her and she can’t like me. Maybe she’s afraid of us becoming friends and then me fucking her over. But I have no need to take pictures and fabricate a story to US Weekly. She’s, well, her manager, is paying me more than enough and I have no desire for fame and I don’t think she could do anything to make me mad enough to want to disgrace her in print.

 

When I took this job I barely knew who she was besides the bit of information I had heard from just being around and catching Access Hollywood every now and then. When Angie McCrawley called me up and said she heard from a friend that I was a really good assistant, I was shocked. I thought no one knew me, and if they did, I never thought they’d recommend me. She said she had a friend at Whitham that heard of me and recommended me. I was pretty sure that everyone at Whitham hated me, especially after everything that was said about me. And after all that I said in return.

 

But I was called in for an interview. I liked Angie from the start. She’s very personable but down to business. I could tell she didn’t take any crap, and I like that. We sat in her office and talked for a bit about what I wanted to do with my career and how I would feel about being a personal assistant, then we went to lunch. I guess you could say we hit it off. We aren’t best friends by any means, and I wouldn’t tell her any lame secrets I might have or go to her just to talk, but she’s professional and seems good at her job and we have quite a bit in common.

 

I’m just not so sure why she gave me so much responsibility in my first week. It’s been four days, no…three. Shit, it’s only been three days. I met Meredith on Sunday, we all had dinner. She was quiet, I could tell she was nervous and after a few days of seeing her on the phone with her friends, seeing her in interviews and seeing her with Teddy, I know now that she had a huge wall built up that night. She was terrified of me.

 

Maybe she still is.

 

The next day I met them early at the hotel and helped her get ready for her day. Since she was going to dance practice and then going straight to a meeting, Shanda came as well. She’s a nice girl, but when her and Meredith are around each other and I’m there I definitely feel like a third wheel, like I’m an intruder. Hell, if there’s anyone Meredith knows around I feel like a third wheel, even with mostly silent Teddy. She has a bond with all these people and I don’t. I’m just here, getting in her way and bossing her around.

 

But that’s my job. And I’m damn good at it. At least I hope so.

 

I sigh and look over at her and she’s still glaring. Teddy’s eyeing me and looks like he’s about to laugh. Then I realize that she just asked me a question. “Oh, well I remembered that name, Trace Ayala, from some friends who knew him or knew someone who knew him. He’s kind of his own little celebrity in the PA world. It just all clicked a minute ago.” I guess in a sense that’s a lie. I don’t really have friends, but I’ve been around enough to know about Mr. Ayala. For the past half year I’ve been trying to move out of the corporate world down to personal assistantship. It was a no use until Angie called me. But most everyone I talked to told me it was no use unless I became an “Ayala.” I didn’t understand what that meant for a while and finally broke down and asked.

 

I don’t know why I just lied about having friends. I guess in a way I want to seem cooler to her than I really am. I have no friends. My best friend is my career. And my career is my well being and that’s that. I know it’s lame and I know I seem like a pathetic workaholic but work makes me happy and even though this girl is too much to handle, I guess I’d much rather be doing this than sitting at home…alone, with nothing to do.

 

That still doesn’t mean that me and this girl are gonna work out.

 

“Right.” She’s still looking at me funny when the door dings and opens onto the 15th floor. I almost forget that that elevator man is there.

 

“Fifteenth floor Miss Craven.”

 

She thanks him and lets Teddy, who’s funny as hell, though I try not to laugh at his jokes cause they’re normally vulgar beyond words, walk out in front of us and scan the hallways, before leading the way to room 3012.

 

When we reach the door she knocks and I quietly say, “Remember you only have an hour.”

 

She ignores me and I roll my eyes. This isn’t a good sign. And to make matters worse my cramps are starting to flare up again. The door opens a little bit and a face comes into view before the entire door swings open and a man is smiling back at us, well, I guess at Meredith. He’s short, about my height and wearing a camouflaged hat, a red shirt, jeans, and socked feet. He looks like he hasn’t shaved all day or the day before, but has a bright smile and immediately hugs Meredith calling her a lesbian or something.

 

Must be an inside joke, at least I hope it is.

 

I watch as she slips inside and scampers off somewhere further in the room. Teddy marches right on in and I see that behind the man who opened the door there is another tall, oversized black man standing up and shaking Teddy’s hand. Weird. It’s like they’re twins. Even their clothes almost match.

 

I guess I should follow them in. I go to step through the doorway but someone blocks me and I look up to see that guy, I assume he’s the infamous Trace, staring back at me. His smile looks a little too smug for my liking and he says, “Sorry, private party.”

 

I shake my head. If that was a joke it was a poor one. “Excuse me?”

 

But apparently it’s not a joke and the door is slammed in my face. And now I’m pissed off. I’m pretty sure he called me a bitch on the phone to Meredith. This kid won’t know the meaning of the word when I’m done with him. How dare he shut the door like that? I can hear laughter and my stomach starts to churn. Stuff like this isn’t supposed to affect me, but I still get that feeling like I’m back in middle school and Bobby Nowells just pushed me down, stomped on my glasses and stole my lunch while everyone watched and laughed.

 

Thank God for contacts.

 

“You guys!” I hear faintly through the door and right before I’m about to go downstairs, order room service and a movie and forget about everything for the rest of the night before I call Angie and quit, the door cracks open and a hand pulls on my arm. “Come on Courtney, he’s just being a dick.”

 

I don’t want to go in now, now that I’ve been marked a target for their jokes. That wasn’t even that funny of one. I go in and give my death stare to the Trace guy. I take back everything I said about him apparently being a god at his job. He’s the devil incarnate sent along with Meredith to make my life hell. Of course, he’s not even paying attention to me, doing something in the kitchen while I just stand there awkwardly. Teddy and Tiny are set up at the table already into a game of cards. Meredith prances over to the couch. Justin is laying there staring at the TV and not paying me or her any attention as he lays there sprawled out in jeans and a white shirt and socks on the couch. God, what is it with these guys and their matching outfits. He’s also got a camouflaged hat on his head and it’s tipped so low that if I didn’t know any better he could be asleep.

 

I continue to stand there and be ignored. Soon Trace is crinkling into a bag of chips, sitting on a chair near the couch, Tiny and Teddy are deep into a discussion, though I can’t hear them. Both their voices are quiet and low. And Meredith, she’s laying on the couch with Justin, her body opposite to his and her laughter filling the room as his feet keep purposely pushing into her face.

 

She keeps laughing and pushing his feet away and smacking his legs and telling him to stop. He laughs and you can see his smile from where I’m standing.

 

They’re pathetic. But I guess not as pathetic as I look, standing here with my big ass satchel hanging on my shoulder, all alone. I’d sit down and join them, but I haven’t even really been invited in here. I was shut out and then drug in. What the hell am I supposed to do?

 

“When those beers getting here, Trace?”

 

I groan. The last thing she needs is a party. I thought this was just a visit with friends. I jump when there’s a knock behind me and Trace pushes himself off the chair and smiles, “Right there.” This is not good. I continue to just stand there and watch as a bell boy comes in with a tray of food and a 12 pack. Great… The next thing I know Justin and Meredith are sitting up on the couch. He’s chomping into a burger, she’s eating his fries and Trace is handing them each a beer.

 

Oh hell no. I can’t let this happen. Not because I’m Miss Anti-alcohol or anything, but because I can see where this is heading. She’s going to be drunk and sleepy and it’ll be my ass that gets reamed.

 

“I don’t think so Meredith. You can’t get drunk before your party tonight.”

 

She looks at me and it’s a strange look. She looks embarrassed and grits her teeth as if she wants me to shut up. Well, it’s my job to keep her in line, dammit. I can’t have her drunk before the damn party.

 

“It’s just one beer Courtney, it’s not going to do a thing.”

 

I hear Justin laugh with a mouth full of food, “Yeah right, light weight.” She smacks him on the shoulder and threatens him with a ketchup drenched French fry. I roll my eyes.

 

“And don’t eat too much either, if you go to that party tonight and not eat, people will start talking. You know Angie will be complaining about how you need to eat better and how you better not get anorexic.”

 

I get that look again but it’s with a glare, a glare that rivals my death stare. “Thanks, mother.” She rolls her eyes at me. I’ve seen her do it before, but not that bad and normally she tries to hide the fact that she does it. She’s pissed now, but oh well. So am I, dammit.

 

“Yeah, fatty, you better watch what you eat.” They all laugh and she stands up and leans over Justin to swat at Trace.

 

“Meredith! Are you even listening to me?”

 

They all stop and stare at me. Ok, maybe that was a little much, but this isn’t high school. She’s got a job to do and so do I.

 

“Courtney, right?” I’m utterly lost when I hear him say my name. Justin’s standing up now and walking towards me. “Do me a favor and go down to the lobby and get me a paper, why don’t you?” He smiles at me, that charming, million dollar smile that’s supposed to make girls melt.

 

It fucking makes me want to punch him.

 

I don’t realize it but I stand up on my tip toes to try and make me closer to his height. “Sorry, I don’t work for you.” I shoot my arm out and point at Trace. He’s just sitting there with a smirk on his face. I should punch him, too while I’m at it. “Why don’t you get your little assistant over there to help you, isn’t that his job? Make him go be your gopher.”

 

“He was just being polite.” I hear him call across the room. I move my eyes from Justin over to Trace. “What he was trying to say was, get the fuck out and stop spoiling our fun.”

 

I smile and glance at Meredith. She’s just staring at me and chewing on a fry. “No problem. Have a great time.”

 

I swallow my pride and my anger for a minute and turn on my heels and march out the door. Of course I reach behind me and slam it as hard as I can. I kind of want to do it again. It felt good. I could also scream, but I really doubt the Ritz would appreciate that. I can wait to get back to my room and do into the pillow. A bath, a nice hot bath, that would also do me good.

 

Then I’m calling Angie. Definitely, calling Angie.

 

I get to the elevator and press the down button. As soon as I do I hear, “Hey, wait up.”

 

I don’t want to turn around. And I’m not quite sure why I do. But there he is, beer bottle still in his hand, smirk still on his face.

 

Fucking little shit.

 

“Leave me alone.”

 

“Look, I understand you’re new and all, but I need to talk to you about how you’re acting.”

 

The nerve he has coming out here and wanting to lecture me. I clench my fist and control the urge to just go off on him. “Oh…How I’m acting? What about how Meredith is acting? Or how you guys are acting? Ya know what? I don’t care. You’re both just dicks. But she has a huge couple of days ahead of her and all she can think about is her social life? That would be just fine if the industry was sure she was going to flop. But she’s not going to, she’s probably going to do really well, and if something fucks up, it’s going to be on me. So go fuck off.”

 

His voice remains calm. It makes me sick. How can he just stand there and be so laid back about everything? “Yeah, ok. So she has a huge couple days ahead of her and maybe, just maybe so she doesn’t go completely crazy, she needs to be around a friend for just a little bit. Stop mothering her, that’s not what you were hired to do.”

 

“What the fuck do you know about what I’m supposed to do? Did you hire me?”

 

He laughs and gives me a look. Oh, how cute you little fucker. “I know because I’ve been doing this for more than five years.”

 

“Right.” I laugh and cross my arms before stepping up to him. I laugh again. I don’t have to use my tip toes with him. “I’ve heard about you. You’re the golden PA, Justin’s Timberlake’s PA is almost God himself. But that’s ‘cause you’ve known him your whole life. You know what to say to get him to do things. I’ve know this little girl a week. She’s immature and disorganized and going to ruin her career and mine in the process if she's not careful.”

 

“Ya know what? Yeah, maybe I have known Justin my whole life, but it doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing. Hell, my ass is on the line too if something goes wrong. They can ship me right back to bumfuck Tennessee if they want to.”

 

I roll my eyes, turn around and thank God the doors are opening. “If you have anything else you better say it now because I’m leaving.”

 

“Just butt out. That’s all I’m trying to say. You do your job and let her do her thing. Let her still be herself. That’s all you can do.”

 

I step into the elevator and lean over and press the door open button. “Let her do her thing? Her thing is to lay in bed all day, watch TV and go party.”

 

“And you’ve known her how long?”

 

I shrug. “A week…”

 

“I’d say give it just a tad bit longer before you start judging her. She’s probably more stressed than you can imagine right now. And I’m sure she’s exhausted. And I know, I know that you are, too. So don’t start. But think about it. You don’t have to look pretty for cameras and thousands of people. And you don’t have to make sure you say the exact perfect thing every time someone asks you a question. So just back the fuck off.”

 

“Whatever…go back to your little party.” I take my hand off the button and he turns to walk back down to their little orgy or whatever the fuck they’re going to do. I don’t understand why he’s sticking up for her. He must want to bang her or something. That’s all guys ever want. I hope she has fun when her career is going down the toilet. “Oh and Trace?” He turns and the doors start to close. “If she’s not back down in the room in 45 minutes, you better tell your client that he won’t be seeing any more of my client.”

 

The doors shut and I ignore the look that the little elevator guy is giving me and press the “10” button myself. I’m thankful for the escape and the solitude and not some old man in a cheesy suit is gonna ruin that for me. I think this is going to be much more than I can handle. I can’t deal with all this, an uncooperative co-worker, her friends being utterly rude and disrespectful, and an attitude that seems not to give a shit what happens. I just can’t handle her and her lifestyle. I wanted to really get into this part of the business, get out of the stuffy world of the office and into the dirt where things are unexpected. But not this unexpected.

 

When the doors open again and he says “10th floor, miss” to me and I nod at him. I step out and make my way down to the end of the hall where our room is. It’s nice with a lovely view, but I’ve barely been able to look out the window during the day light. I walk in and realize how much of a mess it is. It’s not trashed and there aren’t beer bottles and dirty thongs hanging out like this Motley Crue or something, but suitcases are all around, there’s even a clothing rack with her clothes on that Shanda brought over. Some of my lap top gear is still sprawled out on the table by the window and I see that Teddy didn’t close up that bag of ChipAhoy he was munching on this morning. Cookies for breakfast, I guess when you’re a bodyguard you do pretty much whatever the hell you want. And I’m coming to find out if you are a semi-sensational singer you get to do the same.

 

I haven’t even really heard her first album. She had this one hit on the radio. I think it was called “Take it On” or something. It was catchy but nothing more than every other mediocre pop song out there. Her new song I can’t get away from. It’s all over and it should be if it’s a number one single. It’s much harder than the other one I guess, more contemporary I assume. It’s hard not to hear “Tie Me Down” when flipping on the radio. But I don’t know. I’m not much into the pop or R&B scene. Definitely not into this clubby dance type music. It’s amazing too, because all this promotion stuff seems to drain her like nothing else. But the first morning I had with her, the day after I met her, we got up early like we have all week and she went to a dance studio and rehearsed, just her and this guy. I think his name was Derrek. Teddy nodded off listening to his ipod and I sat down and did some work on my laptop. But I watched her, too and she really worked hard that morning. I would look up and she was dancing her ass off. And she’s good. I wish I could get that kind of dedication and enthusiasm with all the crap I have to send her to.

 

I sit down and look out over Central Park. It’s amazing how I’ve worked in this city for years, been here countless of times before that, but I’ve never really spent time at the park. I’ve never really been able to enjoy myself, to take in the sights, to experience New York. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe that little Trace guy was right. Maybe I needed to let her do her thing and do my own and relax. But I can’t afford to do that. I took this job not as an easy out or something that would just be crazy and fun all the time. When they called me and told me about this job, I was excited and looking forward to the intensity and the hectic lifestyle. I wanted to work hard and be busy. I like that. I like being on the go.

 

But this is like running on an inclined treadmill. I’m only getting more tired and more sweaty. I’m so pissed off right now that maybe I should take her lead, go downstairs to the bar and have me a beer or two. How would she like it if I got drunk? One of these days she’s going to be sorry, she’s going to fuck up and I’m not gonna be there to clean up her mess.

 

I’m not a quitter, though. I never have been. People have tried to label that on me in the past, but no. I never ever quit. I have to try harder, and I have to give this another chance, but I’m almost certain it’s not going to work out. She’s not feeling me either and while I don’t blame her it’s not my fault that her old PA did shit to her. It’s not my fault, yet I still feel sorry for her. It’s one thing to sell a story, a fabricated one, to the tabloids. It’s another to claim to be someone’s close friend and personal assistant and then to get pictures to solidify your claim. Clearly, Meredith isn’t a lesbian. But when you have photographs of her and her best friend in their underwear, blatantly drunk and cuddling in bed and kissing each other on the mouth, it makes for a really juicy story.

 

I guess if Justin returns this crush she has it’ll make for a bigger story, a story that will take over the other one and mask it. Or just make it more interesting. But I could care less about silly pop star politics and tabloid stories. I’m really debating whether I should call up room service and tell them to bring up a bottle of wine. I could just go sit on the little balcony and drink the bottle and smoke some cigarettes and forget about my day.

 

This is bad news. I shouldn’t want to get drunk on the job. I shouldn’t feel like I need that to relax. Maybe I’ve taken on more than I can handle. Or maybe I just don’t want to have to handle this. I’ve never been a quitter, but it’s only been a week and I’m already sure that it’s been a week too long.

 

 

 

 

Room 3012, 1:39 a.m.

 

Not even Food Network is working. And that really sucks ass. Normally I can just plop on the couch, turn it to the food channel and I’ll drift asleep in no time. But they’re having an Iron Chef America marathon and I love this shit. So I’m watching it. But I guess I know that that’s really not the reason I can’t fall asleep. I guess a part of me wants to stay up. I know it’s over by now and I know there was little chance of her showing up to begin with, but she said she’d try.

 

But it’s late and I’m supposed to fly back to LA tomorrow and I should be cooler than staying up while everyone else is snoring in hopes that some hot chick will knock on my door.

 

And damn, was she looking hot today. When I first met her, actually before that, when I saw her picture and her video and stuff, I thought she was cute. But then when I met her and we worked together in LA, I don’t know, there was just something about her. She’s different than a lot of girls in the business. She’s still real, still got that normal everyday girl thing about her. And she’s cute and funny. Got a great laugh. And she’s hot.

 

God, I think she’s gotten even hotter since I saw her last. I guess she was all done up for her interviews today. I don’t know. It’s probably silly. I don’t know her that well. We spent that week pretty much together 24/7, but that was two months ago and she’s busy and I’m going to be getting busy really soon with all my shit that’s coming out. Starting something with her is probably a stupid idea. She doesn’t have the time or the energy to be worrying about me. Plus I’m sure the press would just love it if we were together and that would create more stress that I know she can’t deal with right now.

 

And that girl can deal with a lot, I’ve seen it. But she’s still new, and she sometimes doesn’t know how to vent all her frustration. Trace likes her a lot, which is a good thing, ‘cause he didn’t like the last two chicks I dated. I guess I didn’t either. I don’t know, though. That new assistant she has is going to be a pain if, if anything happens.

 

I shouldn’t even think that it would. For all I know she only likes me as a friend. Trace tells me it’s obvious she has a crush on me, but I don’t know. I’ve always been weird about reading these signals women send me. When we were in the studio I thought she might have a crush on me, but I don’t know. I never know. She was going through a rough time and I tried my best to make her smile and see her through it, so maybe she was just appreciative. But there were times when I hoped it was more. Several times I wanted to kiss her, once I almost did, but I chickened out. That’s weird for me. Normally I go for it and accept the consequences that come after, whether they hate it or love it. But this time I was too scared to kiss her, too scared that she might turn me down. Too scared she might go, “oh Justin, I’m sorry. I don’t like you like that.” And then my hopes would be crushed.

 

It’s pathetic. I haven’t crushed on a girl this bad since, well damn, Britney. I don’t know if that’s a good sign or not. I mean, sure I’ve had girls since then, I’ve dated around, slept around, even called a few my girlfriends, but they’ve never possessed me like this. I could always get them out of my mind if I tried hard enough. But nothing is working for this girl, and it’s not just that I’m really horney and she’s really hot and I want her or something. It’s not about that.

 

Ok, so it’s about that a little bit but there’s more to her than just sex. Hell, she might not even like sex, I don’t know. Well, that one song we did together is pretty fucking sexy. Yeah, she probably likes sex.

 

Dammit, this isn’t good. I gotta stop. Ok Food Network, distract me. It’s Bobby Flay versus this little nerdy looking chef guy. Flay always fuckin’ wins. I probably won’t win tonight either. I think Mere might be a little out of my league, just a little. She wouldn’t know what to do with a guy like me anyway.

 

For all I know she doesn’t even want a relationship now. Hell, I don’t know if I even want one. I love relationships. Some of my best times have been with girlfriends, but so have some of my worst times. It’s getting to the point where I have to wonder if I really want that kind of commitment or if I just want, ya know, someone in my bed with me at night. I guess it’s a sleazy thing to say that I just want a fuck buddy, but it’s been a while. I mean, three months is a while, right?

 

A girl like her wouldn’t want to just be my fuck buddy.

 

At least, I don’t think.

 

Yeah, I definitely don’t want to have to deal with the whole tabloid craze that comes with a relationship. Right now I need to be working on finishing up this album so I can get it out and get on tour and get back to what I love doing. I can find any old girl to be with at night. That’s what I’ll do on tour.

 

But I don’t want any old girl.

 

Dammit, I haven’t had someone cloud my mind like this in forever. I just, I can’t get her out, ya know? It’s what made me tell Trace to call her today. I heard that she was in town and thought maybe I’d run into her. But I tried not to make a big deal about it. But then I kept wondering about her and how she’s been doing and how her album finished up and if she liked working with Tim and Jason and just, ya know, how things were.

 

And I started wondering about her, about how she had been doing. If she was still stressed and worried about what that bitch did to her. If…if she needed to talk to anyone. And so I made Trace call. I’m really glad I did. ‘Cause she was looking fine today, and she seemed to be happy, tired, no exhausted, but happy.

 

Well, happy besides this new assistant of hers.

 

I gotta get rid of that girl for her. Ya know, I probably can find her someone better. I got connections and I know some people. Hell, maybe Rachel would want to fly out for a little bit until we find someone who really fits with her. I just, whatever I do I gotta help her with this. I gotta get this Courtney girl out of her way.

 

And out of mine.

 

I stretch and stand off of the couch and flick the TV off. The lights are off in the den area, Trace and Tiny are already asleep. I scratch my head and throw the blanket I had been under on to the couch and shuffle my way over to the door to my bedroom. Halfway there I hear a faint knock. At first I think it’s my imagination but then it comes again, slightly louder.

 

I walk over and peer through the peephole.

 

I smile.

 

The door opens and I grin at her, standing there with her glasses on, boxers, a t-shirt and her dark hair pulled back. “Is it too late?” She whispers.

 

I shake my head and open the door wider, “Not at all, come on in.”

 

“It’s dark, were you asleep?”

 

I laugh, she’s still whispering. God, she’s so cute at times. “Just heading that way. You have good timing.” I pull her in and lock the door behind us before leading her towards my room. She immediately goes in, turns on the nightstand light, and plops down on the bed, making herself at home and fluffing the pillow under her head. I grin and shut my door. She looks good there, laying in jammies on my bed. Shit, this isn’t good.

 

The last thing I need is a fucking hard on while I’m wearing basketball shorts.

 

“How was the party?” She makes her head fall down, closes her eyes and fake snores. I laugh. “That bad, huh?”

 

She curls up on her side and hugs one of the pillows to her chest. She shrugs and I move to sit down on the bed with her. I guess that’s kind of a bold thing to do, but well, she was the one laying with me on the couch earlier and she’s the one that made herself at home in my bed. And she’s the one that’s turning me on by just laying there and looking cute. “The food was pretty good, and so were the cocktails, but I only got to have two the whole night, one with dinner and then another before we left.”

 

“Why’s that?” She rolls her eyes. I’ve noticed that she does that a lot and while I guess it’s kind of an immature habit, it doesn’t annoy me when she does it. Normally, it’s a pet peeve. God, I sound like a fucking dork getting all gushy over this chick. But Mere, well, she’s different than any other chick, and for the first time in a while I really feel something for a woman. It’s more than just wanting to sleep with her. It’s actually a whole hell of a lot more.

 

“’Cause my slave driver said I couldn’t.” She says with a yawn.

 

Yeah, that girl has got to go. Ya know, she’s probably a nice girl underneath that tough business woman wannabe attitude. But she just can’t act like that in this business. Sure, Mere needs some guidance, but trying to whip her into shape and boss her around is just going to make a girl like her close off and not care about anything you have to say. Courtney needs to either shape up or get the hell out. ‘Cause she might think she knows what’s best for Meredith, but she doesn’t know how in the hell to make it happen or get her “client” to make it happen. “That girl ain’t right.”

 

I shift onto my stomach and hold my upper body up with my elbows. It seems to solve my fear of getting a hard on for a moment, and I let my eyes travel over her for the first time to really appreciate the look of her smooth legs and the curve of her breasts under her loose fitting shirt as she pulls the pillow away from her. She grins at me and then smacks me with the damned thing before pulling it back and using it as a shield. I guess I needed that smack and she knows by now that given any chance I’ll start to tickle her. In fact in LA, when we were recording I touched her back while she was at the boards listening to playback, and she jumped and then laughed and said, “Don’t touch me. I’m extremely ticklish.” It was probably the worst thing she could say to me ‘cause then of course I tickled her like mad there on the couch. Trace got the whole thing on video and then she pissed her pants. She literally pissed her pants. Then she threatened to rub her pee stained pants in our faces if we didn’t give her the camera and let her erase the footage.

 

Of course we let her erase it. We might be asses at times but we know when enough is enough. I guess in a weird way that was what made me start to like her. I know, crazy right? A girl pisses her pants and I start to like her, but really. I guess it took some guts to stand up to us after such an embarrassing moment. She knew how to dish it right back and didn’t run off screaming and cussing at me. She laughed at herself and made Trace go rent Billy Madison just for that “pee your pants is cool” part. And I can remember laying there on the couch in the dark of the studio, watching it on Trace’s laptop but really watching her shift and try to get comfortable laying on the floor, and trying to gather up the courage to ask her to lay with me. But I kept thinking that’d be awkward with Trace in the room. I don’t know why, Trace has seen me do worse things than just lay on a couch with a girl.

 

“You ain’t right. I hope she didn’t wake up when I left.”

 

“Oh, did someone sneak out?”

 

“Maybe. And hey,” She smiles at me and leans closer. “I told you if I came back tonight you were supposed to be in your leather thong.”

 

I lean closer to her and think how great it would be to just lay a kiss on her right now. “It’s underneath.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Wanna see?” I wink at her and she starts to laugh.

 

Damn, what a laugh. I find myself just looking at her and smiling as she laughs. I call her a ‘silly girl’ and she calms down after a while and closes her eyes like she’s tired. I decide to move my body a bit, turning onto my side like her, not caring about the fear of the hard on anymore. In fact, I’m starting to think Trace is right. Just, just by the way she’s looking at me now, I guess you could say they aren’t the eyes of just a friend. It’s deeper than that. She’s looking at me, really looking at me. And I think she likes what she sees.

 

And that really makes me smile.

 

“So, you leave tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah…” My smile drops and so does hers. She pouts a little and looks away from me. A piece of her brown hair falls from her pony tail and across her face. I move it for her. “Aww, what’s wrong?”

 

“I wish you were staying so we might be able to hang out again. I always have fun with you.”

 

“You can stay here tonight if you want.”

 

“Excuse me, Mr. Timberlake! I don’t know you that well to be sleeping with you.” I laugh. I always manage to say the wrong thing with a girl I like. Everyone thinks I’m Mr. Suave when it comes to girls, that I know how to charm the panties off them. But the truth is, that’s usually only with women that I don’t particularly care much about. When a girl like Meredith comes along, a girl that’s different, well, I can tend to act like I’m in 8th grade all over again. I usually feel like an ass and say something stupid. Like right now.

 

But I try to play it off and smile at her and try to move my hands to her sides to tickle her, but she’s too fast and smacks my hands away. “Sleeping with me? You think I wanna have sex with you?”

 

“Well, don’t you?” She starts to blush immediately and that seals it for me. She does like me. Shit, she really does. She shakes her head and tries to play it off, “I mean, ya know who wouldn’t want to get nasty with a sexy lady like me.”

 

I don’t really say anything to her ‘cause of course now all I can think about is her little body underneath me all moaning and breathing hard. Oh god, this is bad. I sigh and move to sit up a bit. Laying here with her is hazardous. “It wouldn’t be right. I just meant sleep over. I can take the couch or something.”

 

She turns on her back for a moment, staring up at the ceiling and still hugging onto that damned pillow. She looks like she has something on her mind, but she doesn’t say a thing. I hate this kind of thing. I hate it when I can’t read people. It makes me wonder if maybe I said the wrong thing, if I upset her or made her think about something worrisome. I hope to God I haven’t blown any chance I had with her. I really need to just stop this and stop thinking I have a chance ‘cause for all I know she hates my guts and is just laying here cause well, she’s…God, now I don’t even know what I’m thinking.

 

“Will you do me a favor?”

 

She still doesn’t look at me, remains staring at the ceiling, and I scoot down so I can be closer to her. “What’s the favor?”

 

“Will you, maybe, I don’t know, call me?” Her brown eyes shift to mine. She’s unsure and nervous and I smile to try and ease her mind. “You don’t have to a lot, just maybe every now and then to let me know how you are doing. You always make me at ease. If you’re too busy I understand.”

 

“Of course I will.” I wanted to call her the past two months, but, honestly, I was scared to. I knew if I started I wouldn’t want to stop. I’d want to be around her all the time. And I didn’t realize she liked me back. But now I’m starting to think that maybe the past two months have been wasted.

 

Maybe I should have called her.

 

She laughs, blushes again and darts her eyes away from me. “Good, ‘cause ya know…I mean, I guess it’s kind of obvious.” She tugs at her hair for a moment and shuts her eyes, mumbling, “Idiot.”

 

“What’s obvious?”

 

“That I…” She sucks in a breath and glances at me. And then, shit, then she says rather fast, “that I have a big crush on you.”

 

She immediately covers her face with the pillow and holds it there. I find myself unable to say anything in return. I mean, I guessed it, I hoped it, but to hear her really say it, well, that changes everything.

 

Maybe I am ready for this. I could at least try. Fear is something I try never to let take hold of me and I guess that’s why I said I wasn’t “ready” for commitment. I still might not be, but damn…with her I should at least try.

 

I scoot closer and put my hand on the pillow, hoping she’ll move it. “Mere…”

 

She peeks out over the top of the pillow. Her face is bright red, and I don’t know if it’s because what she just told me, or having the fabric against her face for so long. “It’s embarrassing.”

 

I finally pluck the pillow from her and put it on the other side of her. Finally, freedom. No shield, no guard, just her and me. I smile some more and touch her face. “It shouldn’t be. I like you, too.”

 

Her eyes widen with excitement and then squint into a bright smile. “Really?” I can think of nothing better to do but to kiss her, so I do. Her lips are soft and she lets me lay a bit on her and lets me deepen the kiss. She’s tastes like toothpaste and something all together unique. I can’t help myself but sigh as I kiss her and I guess I’m starting to realize how much I’ve been wanting to do this. I think I’ve wanted to do this from the time she walked into the studio, somber, stressed and nervous beyond belief.

 

She pulls away suddenly, licks her lips and stretches underneath me. “Courtney’s gonna kill me if, if this goes somewhere.”

 

I smile at her and shift so we’re back on our sides and she’s flush against me, holding me a little bit. She’s soft and small and I like that. “Just forget about her.” I rub my hand down her back and resist the urge to go up the back of her shirt. I know Mere can party and I know she likes to, but I also know that she’s not one of these girls that have grabbed their sexuality by the balls and if they want something they go for it. I think if Meredith even did want me right now she wouldn’t do much more than kiss me. And that’s fine, I just, I need to remind myself that. She’s not immature and I wouldn’t call her naïve, but I think she’s still new to a lot of this, the business and other things.

 

I don’t think she’s a virgin, but I know she’s not going to give it up that easily. And maybe that’s a good thing.

 

“How?” She pulls away and looks at me with a pout. “She’s constantly breathing down my neck.”

 

I grin at her and kiss her quickly. “I think I have a plan.”

 

“Oh no.”

 

I laugh. Her voice doesn’t sound that reassuring and I know she thinks I’ve got this elaborate plan to make the girl’s life miserable, but really I think she just needs to back off. She needs a hobby and I know the perfect one for a girl like her. “What? Trust me.” I look off to the side for a moment and think about how great it would be for Trace to get this chick out of her shell a little bit. “I think Trace might be able to entertain her for a while.”

 

She rolls her eyes playfully and hugs me tightly. “Don’t be cruel to Trace. He never did anything to you.”

 

This feels good. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t had affection from a woman in so long and she’s good at it. Like she’s rubbing her feet against mine and her fingers are just lightly playing with the hairline on the back of my neck. It feels so good and relaxing. “I think he’ll like the challenge.”

 

“Challenge?” She pulls away and stops all her little movements. She stares at me. “Justin, don’t do anything crazy. Plus, you’re...” Her eyes move from mine and she looks down at my chest for a moment. “You’re leaving tomorrow so…”

 

I lift up her chin with my hand and stare at her. God, she even looks upset. I think she really does like me, ya know, not just as Justin Timberlake or cause she thinks I’m attractive or something, but I think she really likes me, like really does, a lot. I kiss her for a moment and whisper, “I can make up some work for me to do here.”

 

“Justin, don’t do…”

 

I interrupt her. “I want to…” I start kissing her again and she kisses me back all slow, knowing just how to use her lips and her mouth. This girl really knows her shit. She runs her fingers against the back of my neck and over my shoulders and smiles at me when I pull away. Even now, without all that make up and shit she had on today, with just glasses and a smile she’s gorgeous. I kiss the tip of her nose and she giggles and holds onto me tightly. Her body fits so good against mine and I pull back and lay so she’s on me, lightly pressing her lips into my neck. I hold her arm and keep it where it’s laying against my torso. She has little chill bumps over her arm and I wonder if she’s cold and rub her arm a bit to try and warm her up.

 

I ask, “You think we can make this work?”

 

“I wanna try,” She whispers. I turn and kiss the top of her head. It’s been so long since I’ve had this affection and I know it’s not going anywhere more than this. I can sense she’s exhausted and I’m fine with just holding her. “I think we should just take it one day at a time, see where it leads and hopefully it’ll lead to peace and happiness and romance. And if not, we gave it a go and that’s all that matters, right?”

 

I smile and stare at the ceiling thinking about how it would be great if this did work. For some reason I have this worry that it won’t. “What are you gonna do tomorrow if people ask you about those tracks we worked on?”

 

She laughs, sits up a bit and resituates a pillow before lying back down beside me. “I’ll be professional.”

 

I roll over on top of her and laugh. “You promise you won’t tell them that I’ve been trying to tap yo’ ass.”

 

Her eyes narrow for a moment and she gets a serious look on her face. “You better not want to. ‘Cause your not…ever.”

 

“What?” This is confusing. Why is she getting serious on me?

 

She turns up her nose and I can feel her trying to squirm her way out from under me. “If you’re into that kind of sex....into butts, well then we’re gonna have to talk this out.”

 

“Ohh…” I start to laugh and realize she thought I was really talking about anal shit. Well, at least we have it in common that we’re both not into it. “No, that’s...that’s not what I’m talking about. I was just saying…” I shake my head and laugh.

 

She nods slowly and keeps her eyes narrowed at me. “Mmmhmm, so you do just want me for sex, huh?” She rolls her eyes at me and huffs. “I was wondering what the real reason for you calling me up was.”

 

I laugh at her, ‘cause I see now she’s smiling. I touch her hair a little bit. It’s soft and bone straight, pulled back in her ponytail, different from the wavy mess it was this afternoon. “I called you up ‘cause I kind of missed ya. And I was hoping that I’d get the guts to do what I wanted to do when we were in the studio.”

 

“What’s that?” She’s whispering again. It’s adorable, and yet, sexy.

 

I lick my lips and realize how close I am to her, how great it feels to be this close to you. “Kiss you. I wanted to so bad.”

 

“Really?” I nod at her and she looks utterly amazed with me. I sigh and fall into her, kissing her deeply. I can’t help myself. It makes me feel so good to know that this girl really likes me. It makes my whole body relax. She’s got this calming effect on me, I like it. I just hope I don’t get too attached and then she wakes up and realizes she doesn’t want to be with me, or I wake up and realize I fucked up some where a long the way. She tastes so good, too. I could just stay here and kiss her all night if she’d let me. I really don’t want to stop this time. I don’t wanna stop kissing her. So I don’t, I plan to just lay here with her, kissing until she tells me to stop or until one of us falls asleep. I keep thinking about how I want this, how I want her and how I pray to God I don’t mess this up for myself. And I hope, God, I really hope she can handle this.

 

‘Cause laying in bed and kissing is the easy part and I know she has a really rough idea of what the other side of something like this can bring to the table and I hope she’s strong enough to take it.

Lyric Diner, 2:04 p.m.

 

It’s been a rough day so far. A lot has happened and a lot has changed and I can’t be mad about it, and I can’t go sit in the hotel room and drink some JD like I want to. And that’s probably a good thing. I should be happy for him, ya know? Mere’s a great girl, but I know this is going to be a problem. He’s going to be coming back in the spotlight soon, and if he’s dating her that’s all anyone else is going to care about. And I know he’s thought this through, I hope to God he’s thought this through. It doesn’t help that this Courtney chick is in the way, too.

 

I’m not quite sure what her deal is, but it’s clear she’s a control freak. Most people like that either are out of control in another aspect of their life, or at one point were not in control of their life. I wonder which one it is for her. I hope she’s not evil like that other girl. I hope she lightens up for Meredith’s sake and mine.

 

This morning when I woke up, went to Justin’s door to knock and wake him up and Meredith answered the door with sleep in her eyes and a pillow imprint on her cheek, I knew things were about to change. It’s happened before. I’ve gone to his room and found some random girl standing there with pillow marks on her face and wearing his t-shirt. But nothing changed with those girls and I knew that they were just some girl he wanted to sleep with for the night. But with Meredith it’s different. It’s been different with her since Justin met her. I know how much Justin cares about this girl, how much he thinks of her. I guess I can blame it all on myself. I met her first and thought how great she and Justin would get along.

 

And I really like Meredith, I do. She’s a sweet girl and pretty as anything. But now that her and Justin are starting something, which I guess is what they are doing, he hasn’t said much to me about it, I know I’m gonna get stuck with this Courtney chick. And that is a major, major problem. She’s got all the qualities I hate about myself and some more I just generally can not stand. I know what its like to be in her position, but she takes that position to a new level. There’s not a need to be as uptight as she is, especially when your star is getting enough uptight feedback from everyone else involved in their career at the time.

 

That’s what I learned with Justin. He needs me to be a friend first. He needs me to willingly do things for him, and yeah I guess you could call me a gopher or a little bitch, making phone calls for him, arranging things, picking up things he needs, whatever. He can’t just go out and get whatever he needs all the time and he rarely has the time to try. I love my job and I love the people I get to be around and interact with.

 

But I’m not going to love this assistant chick. I can already see it. Weeks from now, Justin and Meredith will meet up, he’ll want to be alone so he can bang her or something and I’ll be stuck…entertaining this uptight crusty girl in her little khaki pants and high and mighty attitude while in the next room Justin’s getting it on and we’re having to force conversation over their obscene sex noises. That chick gave me attitude this morning too, practically knocking down our door when she realized her “client” or whatever she calls Meredith, wasn’t in her room. She cussed me out when I wouldn’t let her in and when I finally did and she knocked on Justin’s door I knew some shit was about to go down.

 

Meredith was sitting on the bed in her pajamas but Justin was there just out of the shower and he was pissed at the way she was knocking on the door and yelling at Meredith to get back to their room. All he had to do was swing the door open, stare at her and she shut up. Meredith said she’d be down in a minute and Justin slammed the door in her face. She looked at me and glared and threatened me somehow. I don’t really remember, I was still trying to wake myself up at that point. But I knew then and there, right when she barged in, that I wouldn’t be able to deal with this bitch.

 

Then, come to find out, Justin was weaseling his way into spending an extra day or two in New York so he could spend time with Meredith. I don’t blame him, but it annoyed the hell out of me. He’s supposed to be back in LA and then go to Miami to finalize the rest of his album. And I had to spend all morning on the phone with the jet company and the hotel and Johnny and Sonia and then she called.

 

And I really, really did not want to talk to her.

 

She was the one who called it off. She was the one who left. She was the one who went and started fucking some other guy only two weeks after we broke it off. It’s been almost a year. I should be over it by now. But dammit, I was gonna marry that girl. I had a fucking ring on her finger and everything.

 

I guess it’s for the best. Justin and I still had some bachelor left in us and he was willing to go balls out like we did after him and Britney broke up. I’m not surprised that he’s finally found a girl he’s ready to get serious with. I just hope he really is ready and doesn’t just want to fuck her. ‘Cause I can see this turning into some huge drama fest if that’s all he wants from her.

 

And the last thing I need right now is drama.

 

“You wanna wait in the car or something?”

 

I blink and realize I was staring off into space like an idiot while everyone else was getting out of the car. I get out as well and follow Justin into the restaurant with Tiny behind me. Justin had the desire to go to this little 24 hour diner on the lower east side for a late lunch after spending this morning shitting around in the studio. He claimed he had more work to do when he talked to Johnny. He failed to specify the work and it just happened to not be anything musical. Well, I guess trying to get into the pants of a hot little singer could technically be musical.

 

And the only reason we waited ‘til two to eat and had to come to this particular place was because Justin wanted to. And why did Justin want to?

 

“Oh no…”

 

Damn those khakis pants.

 

I love how Justin completely ignores her and marches straight to the back and slides beside Meredith in a booth in the back of the diner. There’s another girl there too, but I’ve never seen her. Teddy is sitting at a table a few feet away from where the girls and Justin are, and I see that stupid briefcase and a laptop up on the table beside him with an empty chair that’s pushed away from the table. Man, and I thought it was bad that I was going to have to entertain her. Poor Teddy has to deal with her all the damn time.

 

“I wasn’t informed that you all would be joining us.”

 

“Sorry.” I shrug and move my eyes from everyone else to her. It’s a shame really, ‘cause she’s the type of girl that probably could be pretty with a fashion makeover. And maybe a lobotomy.

 

She puts her hands on her hips and stares me down. “We were almost late this morning.”

 

I laugh at her. She’s quite hilarious, really. I’m not sure why she’s telling all this to me, or why she’s implying blame on me. It’s not my fault that Justin and Mere are hooking up. And it’s definitely not my fault that she snuck out last night to come to our room. Hell, I didn’t even know that. “Almost late means you were either early or right on time, doesn’t it?”

 

She sighs, drops her arms and looks away from me. “It means I probably have a stomach ulcer now.”

 

“How many pair of khakis pants do you own?” I bite my lip. I didn’t mean for that to come out and now she’s staring me down. But it’s a legitimate question. I mean, maybe she just likes khakis but she was wearing them yesterday and now again today, some other little style. Today she has on a polo shirt. She looks like a camp counselor or something, ready for action on the first day. All she needs is a little embroidered logo. “Camp Courtney” and the motto would be “Crankiness, Constipation and Continuous Stress.”

 

Ya know, this chick is right. She probably did give herself an ulcer this morning, and that’s her own damn fault, no one else’s.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

I hear Meredith call my name and wave me over. “Trace, come over here!” I silently thank her for rescuing me and slip past this chick to the table Justin and her and the mystery girl are sitting at. Mystery girl is cute, very stylish and is sitting there circling a fry around in her ketchup. Maybe she’s single, maybe…maybe she’ll be what I need to get over Elisha.

 

I see a waiter standing over where Tiny has pulled up a seat by Teddy. I ask, “Are you ordering for Justin?” Tiny rolls his eyes which means yes and I clap the poor waiter on the shoulder and say, “Cheeseburger and coke for me, thanks.” He looks young and nervous.

 

Someone pulls on my arm and I’m yanked over to the table where everyone else is at. Meredith pulls me into a half hug before forcing me into the seat next to the girl. “Trace, do you remember Megan? She’s my bestest friend, the one that was with me when I first met you. And before you start, yes she was the one in the pictures.” Meredith laughs and plops down beside Justin.

 

“Oh, so this is the one that calls you Lesbo?” Megan laughs.

 

Meredith rolls her eyes at me and I open my mouth, knowing she’ll cut me off or slap me sometime soon. “Yes, and I’m the one with the mutantly large-“

 

“Trace!” Justin laughs and Mere reaches over to hold her hands over Megan’s ears. “Guard her virgin ears.”

 

And then Megan shakes her head, gives Meredith a funny look and leans back over the table. She starts to speak rapidly and I just sit there and listen in. “Right…speaking of virgin ears, so this dude is one…well, he’s not an ear of course, but a virgin.”

 

“You’re dating a virgin!” Meredith slaps her hands on the table and I can say now I’m honestly interested in this conversation. I wonder what it would be like to be a virgin at 25. Elisha claimed that one of the problems we had was that I wanted sex too much. It wasn’t like I pressured her and it wasn’t like I asked her every day if we could. She was my woman and I found her beautiful and I wanted her. And I didn’t think that was such a bad thing.

 

But apparently she did. Which doesn’t make much sense ‘cause she seemed to enjoy having sex with me. I think she just didn’t have the balls to tell me she had met someone else and that she wasn’t in love with me anymore.

 

Bitch.

 

“That’s what he says! I don’t know though, maybe he was just joking.”

 

“I gotta meet this guy.”

 

“How about tonight?” I watch as Meredith lifts an eyebrow and then smiles as Justin casually puts an arm around her. I guess they fit. She’ll be good for him, I hope. It just sucks for me, ‘cause when Justin’s in a relationship it takes up his time. It takes up his whole time. He won’t want to go out with just me and him. He’ll want her there, too. He won’t wanna go buy hot ladies expensive drinks at the club and see if we can get any to come home with us. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had someone myself, but… Anyway. “We should all go out. Use your celebrity status to get me into a cool club with free drinks.”

 

Meredith pouts and leans against Justin. “You don’t care about me, just my money and my fame!” Then she smiles and flips off her best friend.

 

Megan laughs and sticks out her tongue. “You figured me out. And what money are you talking about? You’ve spent all your money on that new house of yours. And your wardrobe.”

 

“I don’t know about tonight. I probably have something to do tomorrow morning and I’m sure that Courtney won’t let me go out.”

 

Justin says, “Mere she can’t tell you what you can and can’t do.” I nod in agreement.

 

“But I think tomorrow is the day I have to be at Good Morning America way early.”

 

I think going out would be good for me. Even if it is with two couples. It’ll give me an excuse to get drunk. Plus, we probably won’t be back in New York for a few weeks. “It’s also our last night in town.” I point out.

 

Meredith’s face drops and she immediately turns to look at Justin. “I thought you were staying cause of work.”

 

He pulls his arm from around her. “I could only stay a day later. I have to be in Miami this weekend to finish up everything.”

 

“So wait…” Everyone looks at Megan as she points in between Justin and Meredith. “Are you guys like together…”

 

I laugh as Justin says “Yes” and Meredith says “No.”

 

“Ok missy, you told me you guys made out last night.” Megan says and then turns her attention to Justin. “I need to know your intentions for my best friend.”

 

Someone clears their throat and that poor dweebish waiter is there with a tray of drinks. “Way to be awkward Megan,” Meredith grits out.

 

“It’s a gift.” She shrugs, not really caring. I kind of like this girl. She’s funny and says what’s on her mind.

 

I say thanks to the waiter, and once he leaves Justin nudges Meredith and asks, “We’re dating…right?” Her smile would light up a dark tunnel and I guess it’s sweet that she likes him that much. I don’t know why he hadn’t asked her out sooner. I told him that first day they were together that I thought she had a crush on him. But he didn’t believe me.

 

He was probably weirded out ‘cause he was dating Jocelyn at the time, well, sleeping with her at least. Justin can never handle it when he likes two girls, or if he is with one and then starts liking another. He always freaks out, asks me what to do, or tries to ignore the problem.

 

But now Jocelyn is long gone and it seems as if things are working out in his favor.

 

I wish things were working out in my favor. But no, I’m still alone, still messed up over that bitch that dumped me, and still trying to figure out if I’m even ready to get back out there and find another woman.

 

“Then how ‘bout a big date tonight,” Megan exclaims before sipping on her soda. “Me and Josh, you guys, and Trace and….your assistant.”

 

“I’m not going on a date with her.” I immediately say it and we all look over and she’s there typing furiously away at her laptop, headphones in her ear, probably listening to Celine Dion or Kenny G or something else to match her khakis pants.

 

“She won’t go.”

 

“She’ll have to if she’s your assistant.”

 

Justin’s laughing and I realize that most of my bad mood for today has been attributed by him. He’s being a little bit of an ass today, a little too needy, a little too bossy, and a little too far up in his own world to care about anyone else. I’ll have to bring him down from the clouds, but later. Later when I can cuss him out and not have to watch what I say since I’m in public and around ladies.

 

‘Cause he’s being a faggoty asshole today.

 

“How?”

 

He looks at me and smiles. “Trace will convince her.”

 

I narrow my eyes. No, he’s being a little pussy bitch that needs to be punched.

 

“And how do you think I’m going to do that?”

 

Justin laughs and puts his arm back across Meredith’s shoulders. “You know how to work it.” I glare at him. “Come on Trace, please…” They all start begging me like they’re five years old and want ice cream for breakfast. I’m not their fucking daddy. They can’t beg me to do shit. I’m not gonna sit here and take this and be forced into some conversation with some uptight psycho bitch. I don’t want to talk to her and if I was going out tonight I would not want to convince her to tag along. I don’t even see why she has to come out! Teddy and Tiny will protect Meredith. She doesn’t need her assistant there to be prying into her business. Let the girl go home and rest and get rid of all that stress that she complains about. Dammit. I know I’m Justin’s assistant. And I’ll do almost anything he needs me to do. But not this. I draw a line here. This is just bull shit.

 

“Hey…”

 

I sigh and realize that now I’m standing up, standing over her and her laptop. There’s an empty chair nearby and I pull it out. She pulls out her headphones and I hear something blasting out. It sounds like Zepplin, but I think I’m just hearing things. She’s supposed to be listening to Celine, dammit.

 

“Can I sit here?”

 

“I don’t know, can you?”

 

Dammit.

 

“That was lame, Courtney.”

 

She passes me a sarcastic smile and picks up her ipod and turns it off and then drops it in her purse, or briefcase or whatever the fuck that damn thing is. “Sure, have a seat, annoy me further while I refine my resume.”

 

I sit down. “Is it saved?”

 

She clicks a button. “It is now.”

 

“Good.” I listen to her scoff as I close the laptop and lean further on the table. “So look, everyone over at that table wants to go out tonight, and for some reason they think that I can convince you to go out with us. I don’t know why they want you to come since you don’t really seem like much of a party girl. And yet, here I am. So, what do you say about us going to Suede. It’ll be a night of no worries, free drinks, delightful company.”

 

“No worries?” She laughs and nods over to the table. I’m not really sure if she means Mere and Justin or Mere and Megan when she says, “With those two? Yeah right. And the company will be far from delightful. And there’s no way I’ll be able to drink because tomorrow…”

 

I cut her off. “Forget tomorrow. Come out and convince your “client”, as you so sweetly call her, that you’re a fun person and not just a tyrant. And convince me you got something other than khakis pants to wear.” I wink at her and she leans forward and narrows her eyes at me.

 

“Are you hitting on me?”

 

Why the hell is she smiling? Don’t even start to tell me she has the hots for me. ‘Cause that’s just fuckin’ awkward.

 

“Yeah…” I roll my eyes. “Um, sure.”

 

“She’s got a busy day tomorrow.”

 

“Really? What does she have to do?”

 

“Wanna see her schedule?” I don’t say yes, but she flips her laptop back open and pulls up some document. It’s a timetable for what Meredith is scheduled to do the next day. Honestly, I’m blown away. I haven’t seen this much crap since Justin was in the first days of ‘Nsync. She’s booked. No wonder she looks run down, she’s being overworked. And that means Courtney’s overworking herself as well. I wonder how this chick got this job. She clearly doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing.

 

I point to one of the interviews, the one right after her Good Morning America performance. It’s at this smaller radio station and there’s no way they’re gonna get there in time. “You know damn well that isn’t going to happen. You are overbooking her.”

 

“Angie sends me list of who to call or who will be calling me to book. She told me to say yes to all.”

 

I laugh. Yeah, this girl doesn’t know what she’s doing. I’ve never really had to book interviews for Justin, and I don’t really understand why Angie has Courtney doing her work, but I have had to reschedule and cancel and if Justin wanted to go visit someone or something I’m usually the one that has to arrange that. “Then she told you to overwork Meredith. She can’t do all this. Look, she doesn’t need to go do a radio spot for all these stations.” I point to another and laugh again. “This is a fucking soft rock station Courtney!”

 

For a moment she’s quiet. She knows I put her in her place and she knows I’m right. But she can’t admit it. She just quietly says, “Don’t tell me how to do my job.”

 

“Then how about just a little word of advice among colleagues? Cancel…” I point to a few things on the screen. “This, this and this. God, she doesn’t need to help do a grand opening for an independent record store. People who are into independent records are not going to be buying some R&B dance album. And cut this while you’re at it. You’ll have a bigger opening for lunch. She’ll get to run back to the hotel and tell Justin bye.” She glares and I smile at her. “And you’ll get to kiss me farewell,” She gags and I laugh some more. “And I swear, you do all that and your client will be much happier and like you a hell of a lot better than she likes you right now. And she might be more willing to work with you next time instead of making your life hell.”

 

“Angie will fire me.”

 

“Angie doesn’t know what all Meredith does. She knows the big shit. She knows about MTV and any appearance on major networks. She’ll know about major radio stations, but this other shit…she won’t know and I bet you she doesn’t care.”

 

“And if I get in trouble what do I tell her? The Trace Fairy told me to do it this way.”

 

I shrug and watch as our food is delivered. The guy doesn’t bring it over here so I figure it’s about time for me to leave this bundle of fun in khakis pants land and get back to a real conversation. “Sure why not. But I’m not a fairy, so don’t call me one.”

 

“Could’ve fooled me.”

 

I shake my head and scoot my chair out. “You’re a bitch, you know that?” I realize after it’s come out that I actually said that out loud. I try not to let things like that slip but, this girl just can’t go around calling me a fairy when I’m trying to fucking help her. I know she thinks she’s better than me. But she’s not. She doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing and I’m just trying to help. I’m trying to make life easier for my best friend and his girl and she just wants to butt in the way and be disagreeable.

 

But that still doesn’t give me a right to call her a bitch.

 

At least not to her face. “Ok, you can slap me,” I say to her.

 

She blinks and slowly shakes her head, “No, everyone around here has called me that, but not to my face. I’m actually impressed you had the balls to do it right here.”

 

I get the feeling that she’s joking, that’s she just pulling my chain and about to unleash the wrath of Courtney. “Well, um, I’m special that way.”

 

I watch her glance at the spreadsheet again. She types a little bit and then calls out, “Meredith…” Courtney doesn’t look up but I see the whole table staring at me. I hear Courtney sigh and she says, “After you finish eating we need to hurry up and try to get you to Sony early for your meeting, and then maybe get you back so you can get ready for tonight and we can get to the club early and maybe leave a little earlier than we would otherwise.”

 

She still doesn’t look over at the table but Meredith mouths “I love you” to me and high fives Megan. At least they’re happy. And at least I get to go out tonight and get drunk. But I have a feeling I’ll be entertaining Miss Khakis, and that’s going to call for a bottle of Jack, or two.

 

“Thanks for that.”

 

She shrugs off my appreciation and plugs her ears with her headphones and pulls her ipod out of her satchel. I guess that’s what it is. I guess a briefcase would have locks. Oh shit, this does have locks. “We’ll just see how it all works out.” She says to me. I nod and figure she wants to be alone again, so I stand up and walk back over to the table.

 

“And Trace…” I turn to look at her as I slide in beside Megan. She doesn’t look at me and starts clicking at her laptop again. “Don’t ever fucking call me a bitch again.”

 

I smile and salute her though she doesn’t see me. I say, “Yes Ma’am…”

 

She might be uptight and might not have a clue what she’s doing. And she might need a makeover, but she’s kinda funny. And I think if we got her out more, loosened her up and showed her a good time, I don’t think she’d be that bad. I mean she’s not gonna be fun, but maybe she won’t be so damn annoying and so damn bitchy. In fact, I think this bitchy personality she has going for her, I think it’s a front.

 

Maybe a couple cosmos tonight will get her to show me the real side. And hey, ya never know, maybe I’ll like the real side.

Suede, 12:39 a.m.

 

I guess you could say that besides him being drop dead gorgeous, sweet, and funny the main thing that attracted me to him was his quiet nature. He’s a man that’s calm, and quiet. He’s not shy, but he’s reserved. It takes him a while to become fully comfortable with someone. And even then he would much rather just sit in silence with someone than sit there and ramble about meaningless things.

 

But right now I’m a little drunk and he won’t shut up and he won’t stop saying all this shit in my ear.

 

And I hope he never does.

 

His hand on my thigh, his lips near my ear, kissing occasionally against my neck and the fact that between the two of us we’ve drowned more than a half a bottle of Grey Goose makes me want to throw out my morals and have him right here in the club for everyone to see.

 

“Let’s go back to the room.” His lips press against my ear, his arm is around my shoulders, pulling me into him and his hand... God, why did I wear this dress? It’s short and I put it on in hopes that he’d notice. Well he’s noticed and if his hand gets any fucking higher on my thigh I think I might be in serious trouble.

 

I breathe hard and reach for the shot glass that Megan just poured for me. “I’m not having sex with you Justin…” I drown it back and it goes down smooth. It took me a few shots to get over the sting. But now it just melts. Fuck, he’s licking my neck. “…yet.”

 

I hear him laughing. It’s a deep chuckle. “Why not?”

 

I sit up and it makes him pull away from me for a moment. I look at him and wink, “’Cause I’m not that easy. You have to work for me.”

 

“I’ve been working hard, girl. You got me all sweatin’ and hot for you.”

 

“You’re drunk, Justin.”

 

He bites his lip. “So’re you.” He sits up and says it close to me. I realize now how drunk he really is, how drunk we both are. His words are slurred and I’m leaning into him to hear what he says, unable to really judge personal space. I look over as Megan and Josh get up to go dance again.

 

I danced with Justin earlier and honestly thought I might orgasm right there on the floor. I know that sounds crude but this man knows how to work his shit. I’m hanging by a thread here. He’s got me hot and sweatin’ him, as well. I’ve always been one to stick up for my little moral about sex. I’m not into random hook ups and not into one night stands, and even though Justin and I are dating…I pause and start to giggle. Justin and I are dating. I shake my head of the giddy thought. Even though we are, it’s only been like a day and I’m not ready to give it up…yet.

 

But damn would it feel like heaven. I bet he knows how to slide it in just fucking right. I bet he would go down on me.

 

Hehehehehe, he would go down on me. Ok, ok, I have to stop.

 

I take a deep breath and feel his hand rub up and down my back, the dress exposes a lot of it and his fingers against my skin are like fire. “I can’t help myself, Mere. Your body is just like, banging in that dress.” He looks me up and down and his eyes lock on to my chest. He starts to smile and leans in and hits his head against my shoulder and leaves it there. “I see breasts.”

 

I laugh and poke him in the side before readjusting the plunge neck of my dress to make sure nothing is poking or peeking out. Ok, so I admit I dressed a little scandalous. And maybe it was wrong and maybe I knew I was going to get myself into trouble and tease the hell out of him. But it’s all in good fun. “I see a bulge.” He looks down at his lap and drops his mouth like he’s shocked and covers his lap with is hands. It makes me laugh. “Dork.”

 

He laughs and before I can do anything he’s got both his arms around me, pulling me back into the dark corner where we are sitting. His fingers press into my lower sides and I start to laugh. I hit him a little to get him to stop tickling me and he just holds me, laughing as I get situated leaning back against him. He starts to kiss the back of my neck softly and whispers to me. “Don’t you wanna go back and fool around a little?”

 

I sigh. Yes, God yes. I want to. But I’m not here with just him. Megan’s here as well and if I just ditch her to go make out with a hot ass boy, well, I’m sure she’d understand but I’d still feel horrible about it. I turn and pout a little. “I’m supposed to be hanging out with Megan. I never get to see her.”

 

“I think she’s having fun with her virgin boy. And you never get to see me, and I leave tomorrow.”

 

I realize he’s right. I tried to push that thought away when Trace mentioned it this afternoon at Lyric. I tried not to think about it when Megan and I were getting ready for tonight. It was nice to talk to her about Justin, to actually have someone to dish with, but she didn’t know much more than I did. Justin hasn’t given me much to work with. I mean he likes me, he thinks I’m hot. And he says he cares about me, but I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s just him wanting to have sex with me. Clearly he wants to. I start to smile. I don’t know why the thought of him wanting to do me makes me happy. Maybe it’s cause he’s just so damn hot. But I want more than that with him. I, I really like him. Like really. I haven’t been interested in a guy in so long. The last guy I was with was my boyfriend in college, but well, that ended right after I got signed and dropped out. It wasn’t like we ended all mad. It was sad I guess, but we both knew that it would be too hard to keep it up after I left.

 

Oh and there was that guy in high school, but he so doesn’t count. I’m older now, more grown up, and I know what I want. And I want Justin. And I want him to want me back, like want to be with me for a while. I know it’s only been a few days and I know this is probably the vodka talking but I really can see myself being able to fall in love with this guy.

 

I turn and put my arms around him, because it feels good but mainly I do it ‘cause I don’t want to let him go. “When will I see you again?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ll call you and we can figure it out. Right now…” He brings his hand up to my face and holds my neck and my cheek and smiles at me. I wish his smile would comfort me. It was his bright smile that could always get me through the worst recording sessions. It was a rough time for me. A time when I just wanted to run and hide and I did that in the studio, with him. For hours it would just be the two of us, late at night when the techs had already left and Trace had gone out to get us food or gone home to sleep. It’d be four in the morning and he would have just made me some coffee or tea and he’d pull out his guitar and just sing with me, not recording, just letting whatever was there flow out. I’d be depressed about my situation, unable to hit the notes I needed to, unable to sound decent. And he would just smile, “Relax Meredith, don’t think about it too hard.” I honestly don’t know how I kept my hands off him then, but at least I have him now.

 

“Right now, let’s make out.”

 

“We’re in public.” I’d give anything to just be able to give into him. But I know somewhere around here Courtney is lurking and would shit her pants if she saw us like this. Someone could see, I know. Someone could snap a picture, I know. But right now, I just want to be with him. ‘Cause I only have a few more hours with him.

 

He pulls his forehead against mine and leaves it there. “Mere, I don’t give a fuck.” He smiles and kisses me quickly. “It’s dark, and it’s private up here. No one will see.” I can’t help myself and when he goes to kiss me again I let him do whatever the hell he wants. He pulls me hard against him and kisses me furiously. Damn, this guy can kiss, too. He’s not too sloppy with it, but not so technical that it feels like he’s done this so many times. We kiss and kiss and the next thing I know he’s pulling me so that I’m in his lap. Well, really I’m straddling his lap and I know with my short dress and in public and with us being this drunk I shouldn’t be doing any of this right now. But like he just said, I don’t give a fuck.

 

He pulls away and starts kissing down the front of my neck. His hands are on my hips, gripping me tight. I love his hands, they’re big and masculine, but not too rough to the touch. Oh, I wish he’d touch me more. Shit, fucking shit he’s kissing my cleavage. “I can’t wait until you let me have sex with you.”

 

I laugh. He’s so drunk. He would never say this type of stuff if we weren’t tipsy. I pull away for a moment and pout at him playfully. “Is that all you want from me?”

 

“Come on, you know I care about you, girl.” He smiles and then moves his eyes from my face down across my body. I feel his hands grip my hips tighter and he pushes his lap up in between my legs. I bite me lip at how it feels. This is dangerous. “But dammit,” he growls out. “Ever since I met you girl, I wanted to just lay you down and fuck you all night. You came in that studio wearing that little tank top and those little stretch pants all tight on your ass.” He closes his eyes for a moment and then blindly leans in to kiss me. I don’t know what is it, but part of me is really turned on by what he said and the other part is a little fearful. I know he’d never hurt me. Justin’s not that kind of guy, but the more he keeps talking like this, the more and more I’m gonna give in and the more and more I’m going to want him to just lay me down and fuck me all night, tonight. And it’s just too soon and it would weird me out and it would ruin everything.

 

“Mere,” He breathes my name out and opens his eyes, “I’ve had a lot of girls, but you’re the fucking hottest.”

 

I pull back. That last shot starts to hit me and I feel dizzy and confused. “Why are you telling me this?”

 

He sucks in a breath and pulls his hands off my body. “I’m sorry.”

 

I pull him back. I don’t care that he’s been with a lot of girls. I assume he’s been with a hell of a lot. He’s Justin Timberlake. And right now I’m sitting on his lap. I smile and kiss him. “How many girls?”

 

“Like eight.” He shrugs.

 

“Oh…” For some reason I’m surprised. I had suspected him to be this huge player, Wilt Chamberlain type. I don’t know. “That’s not too bad.”

 

I guess a part of me is just waiting for something to mess up, waiting for him to not be as picture perfect for me as he seems. I haven’t had a lot of luck with guys since I’ve been in the music industry. I’ve had a few people call me up on dates but I wasn’t interested or either way too busy. And now I’m way too busy, but I’m interested, God, more than interested. And I’m so willing to make time for him.

 

I just hope I don’t get crushed.

 

“Mere, I gotta ask you…” He pulls away and I kiss his neck softly and lean my head on his shoulder. I run my hands over his upper arms and can feel his muscles underneath his button down shirt. I wish I could see them. This morning right when Courtney busted open the door, he had just emerged from the shower. I almost fainted when he casually walked out in a towel. And the look that Courtney gave me seemed to scream “slut.” But I don’t care. He was half naked and still wet and he was fucking gorgeous. And we were together. We are together. “Mere…”

 

“Hmm?” God, he even smells perfect.

 

“Are you like that Josh guy…”

 

I pull away confused, but as he stares at me serious yet softly I know he’s asking whether I’m a virgin. Oh no, not again. For some reason I give off this virgin vibe. My last boyfriend, Rex, I know don’t laugh, he told me that for the longest time he never brought up sex cause he assumed I was a virgin.

 

Well, I’m not.

 

At all.

 

“I’m not telling,” I tease him.

 

“Please….”

 

“Would it matter?”

 

He thinks for a moment, puts his hands around my waist and then nods. “Well yeah. I mean, I don’t wanna be pushing you too much if you ain’t never done it.”

 

Man, this kid does need to be laid. It’s all he’s talked about ever since the liquid started getting a little lower than the top of the label in the bottle. I guess its flattering that he wants me that much, that I turn him on that much. But since I’m a little tipsy too, it’s hard to decipher if he really wants me or if he just wants to fuck someone. “Even if I have done it, you shouldn’t push me Justin.”

 

“I’m sorry.” He pulls me back and leans himself back against the cushion. It’s quiet, despite the thumping sounds of music, and it feels good to be held, but my legs are starting to feel weird, and I realize I’m still straddling him and my dress is riding way too dangerously up to my hips. “So…” He clears his throat. “Are you?”

 

I laugh and finally whisper in his ear, “I’m not a virgin, Justin.”

 

“So how many?”

 

I laugh and pull away and smack his shoulder. “Justin!”

 

He’s smiling at me and grabs at my hands. “Come on girl, we’re fucking dating now. None of this secrecy shy shit. You know how many I’ve been with.”

 

I hesitate. Not ‘cause I’m embarrassed or ‘cause I don’t think he should know. In fact, I’m not quite sure why I hesitate. I guess a part of me really wants this conversation to end. I want to be back at my hotel room, lying around and making out with him and him be sober and not so obsessed with sex and actually talking to me. And then we’d fall asleep and he’d leave the next day.

 

I frown. “Just two.”

 

He touches my hair and has a strange lopsided grin. “You’re a sweet girl. Boyfriends?”

 

“Yeah. We’re yours all random?”

 

“Some were.” He kisses me, slowly and pulls away saying close to my lips, “Does that make you upset?”

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

He smiles and I feel him grabbing my ass a little through the thin material of my dress. “You like having someone more experienced than you, don’t you?”

 

I laugh and figure that enough is enough. If he’s gonna play this horney dog game and tease me and tease me after I told him I wasn’t ready, I’m going to tease him back. He’s found the seam of my thong through my dress and is running his finger slowly across it right above my ass and towards my hips. I lean down close to him and kiss his lips briefly. “Who says you’re more experienced? Just ‘cause you’ve had sex with eight different girls doesn’t mean you’re more experienced than me. You might have just had sex with eight different girls…each one only once. My poor two little boys that I’ve been with, well I might have fucked them every day for a year. Then who’s more experienced?”

 

His breathing is shallow and he asks, “Every day?” I can’t help but giggle and he smacks my ass as a response. Oh shit, he shouldn’t have done that to me. “You’re a tease.” He grits out smiling.

 

“And you’re up to no good.” I move off of him, quickly in a last moment of sanity and stretch my legs out in front of me, sitting next to him.

 

“You got me drunk and you’re taking advantage.”

 

“I haven’t taken advantage of you yet, Justin.”

 

He’s on me faster than I can snap my fingers, pulling me close and growling in my ear, “When will you?”

 

“Damn! You need to get laid or something!”

 

He searches my eyes and smiles, “So do you.” Ok, so he’s got me there. I push him away and then let him put his arm around me and lean against me a little bit.

 

“But not tonight, ok?”

 

“Ok…” He takes a deep breath, adjusts his shirt for a second, pulls all his hands and arms and his body a half a foot away from me and then works to re-roll one of his sleeves. “I’ll keep my hands to my self.”

 

“Justin…” I laugh and watch as he busies his hands with other things, tapping on the counter, biting his nails. It’s like he’s jittery, like a fucking addict or something. I have to wonder why and hope maybe it’s ‘cause he just can’t keep his hands off me. God, it makes me feel so good to know that maybe, maybe he does really want to have sex, but he really wants to, with me…me. I mean, I think he really does really like me. I grab his hands in mine. “I still want you to fool around with me tonight. But after I’ve sobered up.”

 

I want to mess around with him, but I know I need to be sober. I need one of us to be so that I can stop and say no and control myself. ‘Cause its hard to control myself around someone like him. He nods and taps my head, then his own. He’s a silly drunk. And it’s absolutely adorable. “I see what cha mean.”

 

It’s quiet for a moment. At least, it’s quiet between us. The club is noisy, and for a moment things between us seem awkward. Ya know, what? Just fuck it. I lean back and grab him and pull him on me and kiss him. He laughs this panty-melting laugh and just smiles at me before kissing me some more. His hand wanders up my side and his thumb intentionally brushes underneath my breast. I glare at him. He knows what he’s doing and all he does in response to the look I give him is grin at me.

 

“I can’t believe I have to get up in like six hours,” I say.

 

“Then you can’t drink no more.”

 

I laugh and he sits up and pulls me down so I’m leaning against his shoulder. He kisses the top of my head and it makes me at ease. “What if I was still drunk at Good Morning America?”

 

“You’re ass would be in trouble.” He laughs. “It would be hot and fine and I’d want to grab it. But it would be in trouble.”

 

“Where’s Courtney, she can take us home…” I look up at him and he smiles at me. I’m starting to fall in love with that smile, that smile that seems only for me. That little drunk, curious smile that…he just licked his lips. Damn, he really is good looking.

 

I feel a presence plop beside me and look over to see my best friend. I immediately hug her and kiss her cheek. I’m so glad she’s here. I know we haven’t talked much at the club but she’s with her boy and I’m with mine. And that’s what’s great about her, I don’t have to explain to her or tell her I’m sorry. It’s enough that we sometimes only get to have lunch and get to have a few hours to gossip and dish in person within a month. She’s been my number one support since this started. She was the one who convinced my parents it would be ok and she’s always understood. She’s the best. She even stuck with me after both our reputations were ruined. She didn’t blame me and she didn’t blame my fame when only a few months ago she became known as the dyke dancer at her college. “You’re back!” She laughs and makes some comment about Josh not having any rhythm. He pouts at her. “Have you seen Courtney?”

 

She shrugs and a drink is brought to her. She immediately starts to sip on it. It’s girly, all pink and fruity. It looks good and I realize that I really want another, even though I know it would be the death of my career tomorrow. “I think she’s been with Trace all night.”

 

“Really? Where are they at?”

 

“They were over there about thirty minutes ago and then they disappeared.” She points over to this little mini bar area in the VIP section. I search that area with my eyes but don’t see anyone familiar. Tiny is standing there with a finger in one ear and a cell phone against the other. I wonder where Teddy went.

 

Justin starts to laugh. “He’s boning her! I just know it.”

 

“Oh please!” I laugh and roll my eyes. Yeah right, I don’t think Courtney has a sexual bone in her entire body. Yeah, she let us come out tonight, but she complained about it. And for the first few hours she monitored my alcohol content and would give me a look if Justin touched me or if I kissed him on the cheek. Thank God Trace some how managed to pull her away.

 

“Well he does have a mutantly large penis.” Megan says and by the look on Josh’s face we all start to crack up. I’m laughing so hard with Justin I can’t even help her explain what that joke means. And then Justin starts to tickle me and I start squealing.

 

I know I probably sound pathetic and like some stupid pig, but I really, really hate to be tickled.

 

“We got a problem.”

 

The tickling stops and we all look up to see Courtney there. It’s still shocking to see her in a black skirt and a tank top. She actually looks kind of cute, but her face looks worried and stress so I’m sure it’s the same old Courtney under the new clothes. Trace is standing near her and takes a seat on the other side of Justin.

 

“What?”

 

She runs her hands through her hair and then lets them fall by her sides. “They know you both are here, together.”

 

“How do they know that?” I ask.

 

Her eyes narrow slightly, “Apparently someone spotted you two furiously making out up here and they apparently worked for some magazine. And now we have about twenty photographers or so outside waiting.”

 

I start to feel dizzy and I’m pretty sure it’s not the alcohol. At least, I hope its not. “Shit.”

 

“And we need to get you back, but you have to listen to me, ok?” I nod at her. She doesn’t seem too angry with me and that’s a plus. Normally, she’d have ripped me from my seat and told me to move and then yelled at me that I did something wrong. Maybe she does have a soul somewhere in there behind the tough, stressed out exterior. I hope so.

 

“How you feeling man?” I look over and Justin is shaking Trace’s hand. He gives him the ok sign with his fingers and sways a little. I start to realize that we had a lot to drink. Most of the bottle is gone, and he drank a lot faster and a lot more than I did.

 

“A-ok.”

 

“They’re pulling the car up. Teddy is going to take you.” He magically appears behind Courtney, talking to Tiny about something and pointing to somewhere. I feel bad now, I feel like I’ve caused a big screw up for everyone. But I guess it was time for us to be heading home anyway. “Megan and Josh, you guys go behind Meredith. And then Tiny and you guys will come home a little later.” She points to Justin and I realize that she’s separating us.

 

I guess it makes sense. Less hassle and less attention if we come out separate but still. I wanna ride home with him. And I wanna stay with him tonight.

 

“But that means…” I turn to Justin and pout, “You’re not coming home with me.”

 

He gives me a hug, kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear, “Wait up for me. We won’t be long.”

 

“You promise you’ll come by?” I feel Megan pulling on my hand and I stand up and let them pull me out of the booth.

 

Seconds before I was making out with him and now I’m being ripped away. It’s not fair!

 

“I promise.” He winks at me and I’m pulled into the crowd. Teddy grabs my hand and the next few minutes blur by. I’m pushing in between people and then a blast of fresh air and what seems like a million flashing lights go off. I’m all but thrown into the backseat of the car that brought us. I quickly lean down and lay my head in Megan’s lap as the driver waits for people to move so we can actually pull out. I can still see flashing going off and I know they have the lenses right up against the glass.

 

I hate this.

 

When the car starts to move I look up at Megan and say, “You think he’ll come see me tonight?”

 

“Of course, you’re putting out, right?”

 

I glare at her and sit up.

 

“Why not?” She laughs. Josh starts to check his voice messages but mumbles something under his breath about Megan being “obsessed.” I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

 

“You know why.”

 

“Yeah, but he’s hot Meredith.” She shrugs and flops her arm around my shoulders. I’m really, really glad she’s here. I know she has classes tomorrow, but maybe after I’m done with everything we can hang out again. I have a feeling I’ll need her once Justin flies away. “He’s not like the last three sleaze balls that asked you out.”

 

“I like him so much.”

 

She leans her head on mine. But it’s not her who speaks to me next. “And he likes you.”

 

I sit up a bit and stare at the back of Courtney’s head. “You really think so?”

 

“That’s a stupid question.” She sighs and turns around from the middle seat of the SUV that she’s been sitting on by herself and looks at me. “Trace already said he’d be sure to bring him by…”

 

I grin, thinking back to what Justin said about Trace ‘boning’ her. I wink at her. “Trace, eh?”

 

“Well that is his best friend and assistant.” She rolls her eyes at me and normally I would be pissed off, but at this point I don’t care. She’s being halfway decent and accepting and not ripping me apart for liking him and telling me that its not worth it and that I don’t have time. Like she did this morning.

 

“I think she wants him.” I whisper to Megan and she laughs with me and leans against Josh. I lean against her and I hear him laughing to himself saying something about a human pillow. He’s a nice guy. Virgin or not, he fits Megan. I hope it works out. She deserves a great guy.

 

“You look tired, Mere.” She says to me and I feel her rub my head a little bit. My eyes start to close and I yawn.

 

“I am.” It starts to hit me like a brick. The alcohol in my belly, the long hours, the fact that I’ve only gotten about 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night the past week and the excitement of being in New York, promoting my single and being with Justin has led me to this: Lifeless in the back seat of an Escalade. “I really, really am.”

 

I open my eyes for a moment and it’s a bit blurry so I shut them again and savor how good it feels. I can’t wait for promotion to be over and I can get back to my normal life, or at least start to figure out what my normal life should be. I hope whatever I figure out that Justin is in the equation.

West 59th, 11:28 a.m.

 

It’s been a long, long morning. After last night and getting up at five this morning I could think of nothing better than a nap. I’m starting to think canceling those unimportant interviews and appearances was a really good idea. She passed out in the car last night and it was a bit of a hassle waking her back up and getting her back upstairs without her looking like a horrid drunk. In fact, I don’t think she was all that drunk. Honestly, I think she was exhausted. She fell asleep as soon as we entered the suite, sitting down on a chair and knocking out. Teddy had to carry her to bed. Megan went to sleep in Meredith’s bed with her, after saying goodbye to Josh. Teddy went to bed soon after and I stayed up, picking out my outfit for today and getting Meredith’s clothes, which Shanda had already planned for her this week, ready and set up for a smooth morning.

 

And it did run pretty smooth. We left Megan in the room with the knowledge that she’d be gone by the time we got back. I found out this morning that she’s about to receive her BA here in New York. Meredith was quiet all morning and cooperative. In fact, the only thing she said to me was a question, to ask if Justin stopped by the night before.

 

She was happy to know that they had shown up, but clearly upset that she was asleep when it happened. I hope she understood when I explained that I had I told him just to go on and get sleep and that they’d see each other the next day. I couldn’t risk him waking her up. When they left, I was closing the door when Trace smiled at me and said, “Nice job.”

 

I guess it made me feel good to get some respect, finally.

 

But I know I’m about to lose every bit that I had worked to get in the past 24 hours if this traffic doesn’t break up and this driver doesn’t go a bit faster. I had promised her, promised her this morning, since she didn’t get to see him last night and it was too early this morning to call, that she’d get to see him before they left.

 

They are checking out at 11:30. And as I look at her, biting her nails, staring out the window with a pale face, I know, if she doesn’t get to see him before he leaves, I’m gone.

 

And then I guess my nightmare of a week would be over and I’d be back where I was before, jobless, alone, searching for something to do with my time. But I wouldn’t be stressed. Right? Yeah, sure, keep thinking that Courtney. Last night I actually can admit that I relaxed for an hour or so. Once Trace forced me away from Justin and Meredith and her friend I was able to forget about her for a while. I forgot that I was at work. I spent most of the time laughing to myself at how pathetic Trace could be, gawking at women like they were treats in a pastry shop or something. The paparazzi thing stressed me out beyond belief but with his help we were able to figure out what to do pretty fast, and I think it ran pretty smoothly.

 

I still felt some guilt for not sitting by Meredith and monitoring her. I knew she wouldn’t be able to control herself in public with her new boyfriend, and I was right. I can hear Angie now, yelling at me that I can’t just let her make out with people in public, no matter who it is.

 

I will have to say though; it’s felt better, the past day or so, working with Meredith. She’s been more willing to do what I ask, less demanding in what she asks and all around more pleasant, more professional, less like a whiney child.

 

“We’ll make it, right Court?”

 

I nod at her as she presses a button on her phone and brings it to her ear. She’s been dialing a number pretty regularly since we got back from that last interview. I knew I should have called Trace this morning while she was performing on GMA to make sure everything was set up right. But that last interview lasted a little longer than planned, and there was a wreck, so we’ve had to take a different route back down town towards the Ritz.

 

“Can you try calling Trace?” She’s panicking and I look at her hard. I start to really feel for her. For the first time since I’ve had this job I see that she’s not just some spoiled, uncaring pop star. She’s scared right now. I see that she’s got a life with stresses and worries and that behind the fashion and the fame she’s got the same problems as other people. I’d be as freaked out as she is now if I were her, if I had a man. But of course, that would never, ever happen. Not since Keith. Never again since that sorry excuse of a man. She’s terrified we aren’t going to make it. I look at my watch, she has good reason to be scared. We’re late. Shit, I really don’t want to see her turn back into that spoiled star if we don’t make it.

 

But at the same time I really don’t want to have to call Trace and look desperate. Thankfully we pull up in front of the hotel quickly. A three hour break, something I feel like I haven’t seen in ages, is quickly approaching. I smile at her and squeeze her arm for a second, “Come on, let’s get out and go see your man.”

 

But I see that she’s staring straight ahead of us, and right in front of us is a similar SUV to our own, this one being loaded with luggage. She knows whose car that is and she knows where it’s going. And I know that if some miracle doesn’t happen I’m going to be screwed.

 

I’ve tried so, so hard the past bit to be understanding and flexible, to help her get to do what she wants and get her work done. Hell, I let her go out last night and that was something I should have never, ever done. She was hoarse this morning, she sounded fine on the TV, but I know that she could have done better, and she knows it too and was pissed off at herself for a good while about it. I’m sure Angie and the label will be pissed, as well.

 

“Come on, let’s go.” Teddy opens her door and she steps out. There’s a small crowd of fans and photographers who immediately snap her picture. I’m glad she flipped her sunglasses back on before she left the car or they might be able to see that she’s about to break down. I follow her and Teddy swiftly into the Ritz. We don’t stop for anything or anyone. We march right up to the elevator and she presses the up button, turning to scan the lobby.

 

The door dings and I search the lobby quickly as well, hoping to see their crew. But I don’t and readjust my satchel on my shoulder.

 

“The lobby, Mr. Timberlake. I hope you enjoyed your stay.”

 

I think I pull a muscle snapping my head around. But there they are, Tiny, Trace and Mr. Timberlake, staring back at the three of us. Trace laughs and steps out, book bag strap across his shoulder and a phone in his other hand. “Look who finally showed up.” He laughs and glares at me a little.

 

The nerve of that little fucker! I did everything he told me to. I tried my best and he’s going to scold me all sarcastically. I think it’s about time I tell him what I really think of him.

 

But maybe another time. I need to get upstairs and get a nap. They’re leaving and I was too late and now I’m going to be hated for life for not being able to get her back in time. I step onto the elevator and force myself back into the corner and lean my head against the marble interior and close my eyes.

 

I hope I never get to see that little man ever again. I hope he never has advice to give me. I think I can do just fine on my own, dammit.

 

I hear the doors start to shut. And then I hear a yell, “What the hell are you doing!”

 

My eyes pop open and I see the doors closing. Teddy, Tiny and Trace are all quickly being blocked from view. They disappear and I look to my right, not wanting to see what’s there.

 

What’s there is an embarrassed looking bell hop, younger than the one who’s been here most of the time. He’s pressed up into the opposite corner as me and trying to hold the urge to laugh. I sigh and roll my eyes at the sight in the middle of the elevator. I try to look away, I try not to stare, but my eyes keep traveling back to them, like some stupid voyeur.

 

He holds her face with both his hands and presses his forehead down into hers. She says she’s sorry, he kisses her. He kisses her really, really slow, brushing his thumbs against her cheeks. He pulls away and looks into her eyes and I look away. Something in my stomach churns and I get an anxious feeling. I’m not quite sure. I don’t want to say its jealousy, but…it’s jealousy.

 

I want a man to look at me like that, to kiss me like that, to mean it. I hope Justin means it for her sake. I can tell she’s had little experience with heart ache. And she’s had little experience with love.

 

“I don’t want you to go.” She hugs him and I try not to let memories flood me of the last time I hugged someone like that. The last time I begged him not to go…and he went anyway. And he never came back. “I haven’t gotten to really, really say goodbye or anything.”

 

“I’ll see you soon, I promise you that.”

 

“You promised me you’d come see me last night.”

 

“I did. You didn’t wait up for me.”

 

“I’m sor-“

 

“Shh…” He kisses her and I glance at the bell hop who’s now biting his lip and trying not to stare. He looks at me and smiles. I look away. “I’ll call you later when we land.”

 

She hugs him again and I hear her whisper, “Thank you…” Maybe what she feels for him is more than I gave her credit for. Maybe it’s more that just some crush.

 

Oh god, if it’s more than just some crush there’s going to be drama. And the last thing I need to deal with is drama.

 

“The tenth floor Miss Craven, Mr. Timberlake.”

 

“Yes, it’s our floor.” I sigh, and prepare myself to be hated for my next action. But I know I can’t just let her stand there as the elevator goes up and down and let her delay him from his flight and cause a scene at the same time. I reach for her arm and say, “Come on, Meredith. He needs to get downstairs before Tiny beats him up.”

 

She kisses him quickly and pulls away. “Bye Justin…”

 

“See ya soon, girl…” I hook her arm with mine to make sure she doesn’t get away. I’m pretty much having to drag her along. She’s turned looking backwards as I try my best to get her to our room safely. I sigh in relief when I hear the doors shut and glance to make sure he’s not standing in the hallway or following us so he can do her quickly before we leave. He’s not and I fumble with the key, unlocking the door and swinging it open. I hold it open to make sure she gets in first and then I close it behind me.

 

“I think I’m in love, Courtney.”

 

“And I think your boyfriend is in a hell of a lot of trouble.” I laugh, take off my satchel and sit myself down on the couch as she continues to stand there by the table in the kitchen and stare off into space. I flip off my shoes and pull my feet under me. She looks at me and smiles a little bit. I smile back at her. “That was rather romantic, though.”

 

Her eyes roll back into her head and she kicks off the heels she was wearing and clutches at the fabric against her chest. “It was like out of a damn movie is what it was.” She takes in a breath and my eyes widen as she stomps around and squeals. She chants “yes” and I start to laugh. But then she stops, stares at me and then runs into her room, shouting, “I gotta go call Megan.”

 

The door slams shut.

 

I smile to myself. Quiet, peace, and the possibility for sleep. I pull my phone off from where it’s hooked on my waist and flip it open to set an alarm for an hour. Then, I lie back on the couch and stretch out my legs before curling up and closing my eyes. This nap is going to feel like heaven.

 

The door opens and shuts loudly and I open my eyes to see Teddy there.

 

“Oh, sorry.” He steps further into the room, scratching his head. “Is she ok? Everything cool here?”

 

I nod, “Everything’s great. We got a few hours to relax so I’m going to take a nap. She’s in her room.”

 

“I think I’ll take your lead.” I close my eyes and hear the door to his bed room shut.

 

I wonder if I’ll ever be like that again, like how Meredith is right now. All happy and excited and hopeful, about a man. It’s been a while since everything happened and I know everyone has a past and everyone has mistakes and heart ache included in that. But for some reason my heartache and my mistakes follow me and suffocate me and control how I live and what I do. No matter how hard I try or what I do I can’t get over it. Even when I shut everything out, everything, it’s still not a victory over it. He still wins, he still gets the last laugh. He still gets to fly overseas with a woman half as smart as me but less needy, leaving me alone, behind with a crumbled career and without a heart. But that was long ago, and I should be over it by now.

 

But I’m not.

 

Maybe this new job will bring new friends, new relationships, new experiences. I’m not planning or counting or hoping for a love relationship from anywhere. I just want to be able to move on. I want to be happy with my life, my career. It’s funny really. I was hating this job, loathing it until about 12 hours ago. I hate to admit it, but that mutant or whatever they call him was right. She was being overworked, and so was I. I needed some relaxation, and so did she. And the fact that I’ve worked with her and worked for her to give her that time, well, it’s made working with her today much easier. In fact, she’s been rather enjoyable to be around. She’s not as bad as I thought.

 

She’s cute and funny and really, really good at what she does.

 

I think I might have to stick around a little longer. I’m still not sure if this is a perfect match, or if I can be her PA for long term, but I can handle this and I’m willing to give it a try, to test it out a bit longer and see if I can really do this. My life is going to change in a few days, when we go back to LA and I finally move into my apartment there and I become less of a manager and more of a servant. Two days and we’ll be back there, and all she has to do for the next week are a few telephone interviews. It’ll be nice to be still for a bit, to be back home, to actually have a home.

 

My phone rings, and at first I think I’ve dozed off and my alarm has already gone off. I flip it open and see that I have a voicemail. It’s later, so I must have slept a bit. I call the voicemail back and press in my code and wait for a moment and finally the message comes through.

 

“Courtney, it’s Angie. Call me immediately. We need to look back over some of the rules I set down for you.” The message ends and I pull back the phone and stare at it.

 

This isn’t good.

 

I don’t want to call back and for a moment I think about just falling asleep and grabbing the call later. But I know then I would look worse. She’s pissed and the sooner I call her, the sooner she can bitch me out and not let her anger stew. I find her number in my phone and press send and I wait as it rings, curling up to the back cushions of the couch and hoping I’m not met with a shout.

 

“Angie McCrawley…”

 

I sigh, “Hey, it’s Courtney.”

 

There’s a pause and I cringe.

 

And then it starts and all I can do is lay there and take it. “Where the fuck do you get off pulling this shit?” I don’t answer her. I don’t know what she knows, and I’m not quite sure what she’s mad at. I knew from the moment I met her that Angie could be a drill sergeant about things, but I’ve never heard her this upset. Normally, she’s rather jovial about things. Or she seemed so in the interview I had with her. Her tone is strange, way too authoritative. I feel like I’m being lectured by my mom instead of my boss. I don’t like it. “I hear that she went out last night with her friends. And now I have the label calling me asking me why my client is out partying the night before some major morning television event. You’re supposed to be keeping her in line not joining the party!”

 

“I’m…”

 

She cuts me off and doesn’t even let me explain myself. That pisses me off. I hate when people don’t let me talk and don’t let me share my side. If I wanted to be lectured I’d go back to college. “And where do you get off not following the schedule? She was supposed to be at that store opening this morning and my friend called me and said she wasn’t.”

 

Now this is strange. For a moment I’m not quite sure what’s she’s talking about. “What?”

 

“Don’t play dumb.” I turn up my nose, she sounds like she’s in high school or something. “One of my good friends runs a music store and I promised him I would have her stop by. That was on your schedule at 10:30 this morning. He called and said you canceled last minute yesterday evening. You can’t cancel! You do not have that authority! Do you understand that?”

 

“Yes, but…”

 

I grit my teeth and hit the couch with my fist as she interrupts me again. “It’s promotion week, Courtney. I don’t know how they did things in that corporate office you worked at, but when you’re actually working with the clients you have to follow the schedule and you have to do everything on it. Promotion week isn’t fun. I’m sorry, but everything has to be done. You don’t have time to go get drunk at clubs. That’s not part of your job. I’m not stupid. I wouldn’t sign her up for things that weren’t important.”

 

“Why did she have an interview at a soft rock station?” I butt in and I glare at the wall, imagining her frizzy light brown hair. She’s gone a little nuts. I think she’s just lost it. Maybe she needs a day of relaxation like I did.

 

“Excuse me?” Oh, wow. Or maybe she’s just psychotic. “I think I’ve given you too much power. Keep her on schedule but from now I’m going to handle the actual scheduling part. I’m the manager, not you. You assist her, that’s all you do. You help her out, that’s it. I don’t want to have another problem with another PA. Don’t try to act like you have more responsibility that you actually do. Is that clear?”

 

It takes all the power in my being to just say, “Yes, Angie,” and not anything else to her. I’m about ready to cuss her out but I’m finally starting to like my job and that wouldn’t be the best thing. Of course, now I’m going to hate it again that I have to go back to being a slave driver and I hate that. I hate having Meredith hate me. It makes things so unpleasant and so much more difficult.

 

“She must go to every scheduled appointment left on her itinerary, NO excuses. From now on, the rest of your time in New York I would like you to call me three times a day, in the morning at 9, at 2 in the afternoon and at 7. I don’t care what you are doing, you call me and let me know how things are going. I’m not going to have her reputation be ruined again because her assistant can’t keep her in line and can’t keep her partying ways to herself.”

 

“But I thought…”

 

She cuts me off again and I pull the phone away and stick up my middle finger at it. I feel like throwing it. Damn, I haven’t been this angry in so long. “I have some important calls to make. Tell Meredith to call me within the hour. I have some things to discuss with her as well.” There’s a click and I snap the phone shut, throw it on the carpet and cross my arms over my chest.

 

Fucking psychotic bitch.

 

I’m furious. I stand up and immediately start to pace. Someone’s going to pay for this. Someone needs to have their ass whipped for fucking this up for me. I’m not ready to be fired, not again, not for something that really wasn’t my fault. I storm over to Meredith’s closed door. But then I realize, none of this is her fault. Well inadvertently it is, but she didn’t ask me to cancel those appointments and it wasn’t her that convinced me to take them out last night.

 

I laugh and shake my head. It’s about time that little piece of shit knows what I really think of him. It’s his fault, all his fucking fault for tricking me like he did. He’s an asshole. I march over to the couch, grab my phone up from the floor, dig in my satchel and pull out a few things before walking into my bedroom. I know that if I get on the phone with him I might wake up Teddy and Meredith with all my yelling and I don’t want to do that. I shut the door and go over and open a window.

 

I get it set up, the chair by the window, I put my earpiece into my phone so my hands are free and I pull out my pack of cigarettes. I’m trying to quit and I haven’t had one in a day or two and right now, this is going to be heaven. I find his number in my phone from the recent calls and press send to let it dial. I smile. Oh this is going to be fun.

 

The cigarette relaxes me for a moment but as soon as I hear, “Trace Ayala’s phone…” I immediately tense up again.

 

I don’t really know what to say and so I just take another drag as he goes, “Hello?” He sighs. “What do you want Courtney?”

 

I cough. “What?”

 

“Yeah, well over the past few days I’ve had to talk to you on the phone, so I kind of have you programmed. I knew it was you when it rang.” His laugh is deep and I feel like a moron for a second.

 

“Oh.”

 

“So, what can I do for you? Miss me already?”

 

I gag to myself and say to him, “You fucked me over.”

 

“And how did I do that?” I absolutely hate that he is mocking me. His tone is all but serious and I can hear him laughing to himself. I hope he’s on the plane and his cell phone will interfere and make the plane crash.

 

“Angie, Meredith’s manager, found out about last night and about her missing some appointments today.”

 

“Man, that blows.”

 

“And you’re to blame.”

 

“Right, ‘cause I called and canceled and I told Meredith she could go out last night.”

 

I hate this. I wish he were here so I could just slap him in person. “You manipulated me!” I yell.

 

“I did not!” He yells back. Ooo, I think I’ve struck a chord. “I’m just a very, very good at convincing women to do what I want.”

 

Oh, now that just pisses me off. Who the hell does he think he is? Some fucking great womanizing Fabio type? Yeah right you little ugly troll. “You little fucking- Why are you trying to ruin my career!”

 

“I’m not. It is my job to keep my boss happy and right now what makes my boss happy, is your boss. So I’m gonna do what I can to make sure he can see her.”

 

“She’s not my boss.”

 

He starts to laugh and I know I’ve said something wrong. I know that technically Meredith is my boss but I don’t know. I just don’t get that feeling with her. She asks me things, but doesn’t order me around. I’m the one having to tell her what to do. I don’t think she would really know what to do with authoritative power. “Oh, yes she is. I think that’s your problem. You’re treating her like you’re her boss. You are her assistant, not her manager. Now I don’t know why in the hell Angie is overworking her and giving you scheduling responsibilities. I’ve never met the chick but she must be lazy or something.”

 

“Not lazy enough to almost fire me.”

 

“Look, don’t think about blaming me for a damn thing. You made these decisions on your own. If you let every guy that comes along pressure you into doing something then damn, I feel sorry for you.” I grit my teeth. Why is he saying shit like this? Yeah, ok so it’s a little pathetic for me to take this out on him, but I have to take it out on someone and while I know it’s mostly my fault he does have a little part in this. No, NO! He has a huge part. And now he’s acting like I can’t handle myself with men. I can handle myself just fucking fine, thank you! “Is that what your deal is Courtney, you let men walk all over you, so you put up this bitchy front?”

 

“Don’t try to psychoanalyze me, Trace. Just stay away from me from now on.”

 

This conversation has gotten old, fast.

 

“That’s gonna be kind of hard to do, sweetheart.”

 

I can’t help but laugh and smile a little bit. He’s so stupid. He’s just trying to piss me off now and it’s pathetic and childish. “Don’t call me that.”

 

“Why?” His voice lowers. “Does it get your panties all twisted?”

 

I laugh even more. I don’t know but something about this whole conversation just seems pointless now. “Would you shut up? Why do you assume every woman wants you? You did that the other night at the club. I’m sorry but you’re not that attractive, Trace.”

 

“My wallet is, and so is my best friend.”

 

“Oh and you think it’s pathetic that I apparently let men walk all over me? Wow, look in the mirror sometime, buddy.” If he really is like that and thinks that all he needs is a lot of money and a famous friend then he needs to be slapped. Yeah, so some girls would go for that. Some girls would shit themselves at the chance to be with someone like that. But the normal girls, the girls that would end up meaning something, the girls guys would want to marry, they don’t fall for that kind of shit. They’re smarter than that.

 

I’m smarter than that.

 

“Why did you really call me, Courtney?” He sighs and sounds a little annoyed on the phone. At least, I think that’s an annoyed tone. He’s really good at covering up his emotions. I’ve noticed that. He can turn everything into a joke. I hate that. Like at the club I tried to start having a real conversation about him, about work, about how it was to be personal assistant to someone so famous. And he had to go and make a joke about how the freebies were great and the pussy was better. I smacked him in the arm and he just laughed and then looked at me for a really, really long time.

 

It made me uncomfortable and I just attributed it to the fact that he had been nursing a bottle Jack Daniels all night. Thankfully, Teddy came up shortly after and told us about the paparazzi and I was able to forget Trace’s staring and forget trying to have a conversation with him.

 

“I called to yell at you for being an asshole.”

 

“Yeah, but you knew I was one when we met, so why are you acting all surprised now? You should have known better than to trust a guy like me. So really, why’d you call? Miss me already?”

 

I laugh. God, he wishes. “You’re an ass.”

 

“You love me.” He’s laughing over the phone. It’s…oh my god, is he trying to flirt with me? This is pure comedy if he is. What the hell is he doing? Has he really stooped so low as to finding someone like me attractive? I’m not his type. He wants a blonde bimbo that doesn’t talk and only spreads her legs. ‘Cause he’s a man and men are pathetic creatures too obsessed with sex. Too bad I’m not a lesbian. I think my life would be a lot happier.

 

“God, you’re hilarious.”

 

I think he chuckles and says “I know” but it’s static for a moment and then clears up again. I stub out my cigarette and contemplate lighting another, but then I realize that my nerves are calm and I’ve pretty much forgotten or either stopped caring about Angie. She’ll get over it, and from now on I’ll do everything right. I’ll have to. “How about this, since you think I’m so evil and you hate me, why don’t I make it up to you and take you out sometime?”

 

I pause and wait for him to bust out laughing.

 

But he never does.

 

“You’ve lost it.”

 

He chuckles a little, “I’m being serious.”

 

“But I’m probably not going to see you for a while.” I quickly add. “Thank God.” I can’t have him getting any ideas that I might like him or something.

 

“I wouldn’t be so sure.”

 

“What?”

 

He laughs and I hate to admit that his deep voice, all whispered over the phone could be a turn on for some girls. But not this girl. “I have my secret ways. I’ll see you in a week, I’m sure. And we’ll go out and have a good time. Just us.”

 

I laugh at him. He really is silly and pathetic. “Why do you assume that I want to go out with you?”

 

“’Cause you like me.”

 

I pull the phone away and stare at it. Yup, he’s lost it. I think something’s in the air, some contagious disease that makes people go insane for a day. I was insane yesterday and Angie and him are today. That’s the only explanation. “Yeah right.” I hear him sigh heavily over the phone and then he starts to crack up. Yup, lost it completely. “Why are you laughing?”

 

“I’m sorry we didn’t get to kiss goodbye.”

 

I laugh myself and can’t help but smile. This kid is crazy. “Oh shut up.”

 

“You think I’m cute. Admit it.”

 

I reach over and shut the window before moving from my chair over to the bed. “I think you’re stupid and pathetic and I’m hanging up now.”

 

“Ok.” I wait on the line because I know he has some other smart ass comment to say to me. I wait a few seconds and finally he says, “Are you going to hang up or just stay on the phone and wet yourself over hearing me breathe?”

 

“Ass.” I end the call and pull the ear piece out before throwing the phone to the end of the bed. He’s ridiculous. I start to smile. It’s funny. For some reason that adorable asshole quality he has, I guess it’s kind of charming. It’s boyish and it’s pathetic but it’s kind of cute. Not saying that I’d even what to attempt going down that path. But he’s harmless and he’s funny.

 

At least I’ll have a laugh whenever Meredith and Justin are together. It’ll be better than being alone. As long as he can not be such a womanizing pig, or at least stop pretending to be one, and as long as he doesn’t annoy me too badly. I guess, I guess things aren’t as grim as I thought they were. I mean, I think I was just having a bad day yesterday. Ok, so I’ve been having a bad week.

 

But I don’t know. I guess, in some weird way, Trace has made me see that sometimes I’m going to have to do things that I don’t want to, that it’s my responsibility to keep her happy, not give my two cents on everything and to be willing to work with her. I tell you, today has been much, much easier to work with her than the past few days. And maybe, maybe she just needed to warm up to me.

 

Things are going to change, promotion week is almost over and while we’ll have another one in a month when her album comes out, I’ll be more experienced and we’ll both know how to manage it better. ‘Cause, I actually kind of like this job. It makes me feel important and even though Trace is right and she is my boss, I still feel in charge and in control. And it’s calming to be in control.

 

There’s a soft knock on my door and it cracks open. “Court?”

 

I sit up and see her head pop in the door. “What’s up?”

 

“Oh, nothing.” She comes in a little further changed into stretch pants and a plain white, men’s t shirt that doesn’t look like it belongs to her. She looks at me and then at the floor for a moment. “I just…I wanted to say thanks.”

 

“For what?”

 

She sighs, looks at me and sits down on the edge of the bed. “Getting in trouble for me.”

 

“What?”

 

She passes me a sympathetic look. “Angie just called me.”

 

“Oh.” I wonder what the psycho bitch said about me. Shit, I hope Meredith didn’t go off and tell her I was horrible. Maybe I should start packing.

 

“I didn’t mean for you to almost lose your job. I told her we were getting along great and so there was no need for a new assistant. ‘Cause, I mean, I know I’m a pain but you’re really good at this and you’re good at keeping me in line and I just, I need someone as structured as you to help me learn to be more like that. Ever…ever since Leah I’ve kinda let everything just fall in to place and I know that’s not just going to happen magically. I’m gonna try really hard to make things easier for you.”

 

I smile at her. Ya know, it could be a lot, lot worse. I could be with some diva who didn’t give a shit about me or my feelings. But this girl cares. She’s genuine and I know that’s really rare in this business. Maybe, maybe I was wrong the other day when I said we’d never be friends. Maybe we’ll get along a lot better than I thought. “It’s ok. Thanks for sticking up for me.”

 

“I really am gonna try not to be a pain.”

 

It’s funny. We’re the same age, and yet, right now I feel so much older than her, almost like I’m a big sister or her mom. She’s apologizing to me and really has no reason to. Maybe she’s just a little immature. Maybe she needs someone like me to help guide her. I hide the urge to roll my eyes. I’d probably guide her into failure. “You’re not a pain. I just had to get use to this. I didn’t expect to have this much work and I didn’t expect you to start dating someone the first week.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

I laugh, she really needs to stop apologizing. “Don’t be sorry. I’m happy for you. As long as you guys can remain happy and supportive of each other and not worry about all the little petty things in relationships then I think it’ll be great for you. It’ll be nice to have that kind of backbone when you’re so busy.”

 

She nods and looks at her nails and picks at them. I want to ask her to stop. I don’t want to have to worry about scheduling a manicure before we leave. By now, I’m sure Angie will fire me if she finds out her client breaks a nail. And I mean what I say about her and Justin, if they can keep it together it’ll be great. But I don’t know, for some reason I have a feeling there’s going to be drama and she’s gonna get her heart broken and he’s gonna want her back and I’ll be there stuck in the middle, trying to put the pieces back together. And I was not hired to do puzzles.

 

“So what do you think about Trace?”

 

I gasp and look at her. What does that mean? “What?”

 

She smiles and leans towards me, getting an excited look in her eyes. “Just tell me. Do you like him?”

 

“No!” I exclaim. What the hell is this? First him, now her. I feel my face burn but I’m not embarrassed ‘cause I don’t like him and I don’t know why I’m blushing. I’m probably just so mad and frustrated. Why do people always assume I like some random guy I just met? I don’t. God, they were the ones forcing me on him.

 

“Aww,” She pouts and scoots off the bed. “I was hoping for some double dates. Well, I’m gonna go take a nap. I have time, right?”

 

I look at my watch. “’Bout an hour. I’ll wake you up.”

 

She goes to the door and turns around to me. “Thanks Courtney. I might forget to say it and I know this is your job and all, but I really do appreciate your help.”

 

I smile at her. “You’re welcome.” She closes the door behind her and I sigh and lay back against the covers. Well, that was nice. I mean, besides her thinking I like Trace, which I don’t, that was sweet of her. She didn’t have to do that. This isn’t going to be so bad after all. And the pay is great and I get to travel.

 

I just need to suck it up, suck up my pride and get over some of my issues and I think this job is gonna be just fine. As long as I don’t listen to any “Trace fairies” and as long as I stop acting like everything Meredith does ruins my life.

 

‘Cause she doesn’t. We’re just different and that’s ok. Plus, not she, nor Trace nor Angie or anyone else couldn’t ruin my life if they tried.

 

Keith took care of that a long time ago.

Studio 3, 2:45 p.m.

 

I know I shouldn’t, but what the fuck? It’s finished. Finally fucking finished and that calls for a celebration. I can’t believe the guys came in here like they did, with champagne bottles and girls and fun stuff. Crazy mother fuckers. But it’s fucking finished, and I don’t really know why I’m sitting here at the controls still recording. Tim says we need a moan or a sex “yeah” for the single. But what would he know? He’s making out with Jess right now. We’re gonna see how it works, though. And then I’m gonna have to call this party short, at least on my part. Trace told me to keep my afternoon free, that he had some big plans for us.

 

I wonder what that crazy bitch has in store.

 

“So, what do I do?” I look up, take a hit from the joint Craig rolled for me earlier and smile at Shauna. She’s such a ditz. Cute, but ain’t got nothing on my woman. Still, the guys are trying to force her onto me and I’m sorry, I ain’t into that. “Just say ‘yeah’ into the thing.”

 

“What thing?”

 

I laugh. “The microphone.”

 

“Pretend it’s Justin’s cock.”

 

I roll my eyes.

 

“Just say ‘yeah’ and pretend that J-man here is fucking you doggie style.” Everyone laughs and she giggles and winks at me. I just I cut up. I tell you, these kids are crazy. They don’t even know what’s going on. They know I’m seeing someone, but I haven’t told them who yet. I know Tim worked with her on her new album and I know he might shit his pants if he finds out. Plus, I don’t want them thinking I’m with her just cause she apparently ‘does chicks, too’. She’s doesn’t. I know that for a fact. I mean, it’d be hot if she did. But I’d rather just have her to myself. Hell, by this point I’d just rather have her. I know it’s a bastard thing to say, but I really really hope she lets me have sex with her. I know she’s got some standards or something, but damn. She’s hot and I can really see myself going, going the love route for her ya know. And her body is just too damn fine for me not to be able to see it all naked. Maybe if she doesn’t wanna have sex I can at least get her to strip for me or something. I bet she’ll do it if I go down on her. Shit, I bet she’d be squealing and moaning and I bet she tastes...

 

I shake my head. I can’t be thinking that kind of shit with all the fellas around and them trying to force these girls on me. They’re both pretty hot, not really my style, but hot none the less. Me thinking about sex with Mere ain’t gonna help this situation at all. I probably need to call her soon. I’ll call in a bit. Make her smile a little bit, talk dirty to her on the phone like I did a couple nights ago. It was hilarious and hot. I started saying all this shit about how hot she was and how good her kisses were and she kept telling me to stop talking but I could tell she liked it. Especially when I whispered to her that I wanted to touch her, like…touch her. She got all quiet on the phone and told me she’d call me back the next day.

 

Ya know, I gotta wonder if she went and…took care of things. Ok, Justin. You gotta stop this. I shake my head, but she doesn’t go away. I’m still thinking about that tight little body of hers. But ya know, yesterday when I called her she sounded weird on the phone, like worried and anxious or somethin’.

 

I hope she’s not gonna be someone that can’t handle long distance relationships. ‘Cause then this shit ain’t gonna work. And that would suck.

 

“Shauna, just say ‘yeah’ when I point to you, alright?” She nods and I turn the track on. I gotta admit, this song is a jam. I can’t help but dance when I listen to it. I take another hit and laugh a little about how it makes me feel. Craig always brings the best fucking weed when I record with him. I stand up and jive a little with Scottie. Then I turn it up louder and get ready to point to Shuana.

 

I point to her and she does it perfectly. Girl sounds like she’s getting laid real well! Oh shit, she just grabbed her tits. I flick the music off and we all yell at her and she laughs. She’s a crazy chick. I turn and to look at Tim who’s laughing with Jess, “Did you see what she just did?”

 

He nods and I laugh and look up at the door.

 

“Oh…shit.”

 

I blink, thinking maybe this weed has something extra in it. But she’s still there, eyes huge, looking all cute and fine. Where the fuck did she come from? She stares at me and slowly the room gets quiet. I look around and they’re all staring at her or at me. Oh shit, I don’t wanna have to deal with this, with them asking question. I wonder how long she’s been standing there.

 

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

 

She licks her lips but doesn’t move from where her back is plastered against the wall. "I, I came to surprise you."

 

“Oh…” Well I guess that makes sense. I hope she didn’t hear them talking all that shit to me and Shuana. I don’t wanna fight this early in our relationship or whatever. I don’t really have the energy to do it right now, anyway.

 

“Sorry." Why she saying that? I mean, she wanted to surprise me. She fucking did. I shake my head and hand my joint over to Scottie before walking towards her. It’s weird. Why is she staring at me all shocked? Hello, I’m supposed to be the one all surprised not you, girl. I watch her look around and see her eyes lock onto something. She sucks in a breath and stares at me. I glance to see what she was looking at.

 

It’s just Craig lining up some coke.

 

I look at her.

 

Oh shit. Oh fuck no. Don’t tell me she’s one of those goody goodies. Don’t tell me she’s about to freak out on me.

 

I softly say to her, “Just give me a few minutes. I’ll meet you outside.”

 

She just stares at me and then someone yells, “Oh shit, Justin. That’s who you’re fucking?” Everyone starts to laugh, but I don’t and she don’t. She just stares at me with that same damn deer in headlights look. God, stop it! It’s annoying me. This isn’t good. I don’t wanna fight with her, but I’m starting to get a headache and I’m starting to get tired of being in this studio.

 

“You owe me a Benjamin J-money! I told you I'd figure it out!" I wanna tell Scott to shut the fuck up. And I almost do, I almost turn around and tell him to go eat shit and then take Mere outside and talk to her. I think she needs me to explain some shit.

 

“J baby, who's the cutie?" I feel someone’s hand rub across my shoulders and it gives me chills. And then I see Shauna there. She keeps her hand on my shoulder. I try to shrug it off. "Oh shit, it’s that Meredith girl. Join the party sweetheart."

 

I’m thankful when she goes to sit on Craig’s lap and starts doing some coke. Meredith’s just stares at them and gulps. This sucks ass. “Look, just go wait outside. I’ll be out in a minute.”

 

She licks her lips and continues to stare at them. Don’t tell me she’s never seen anyone do that before. She’s been in this business for a few years. She should know what goes down. “What are you going to do?” She whispers and looks at me like she’s scared.

 

I reach and open the door behind her, for her. “I’ll just be out in a minute, alright?” She takes in a breath, goes out the door and shuts it behind her. This is just fucking great. Now I’m gonna have to explain to her about all this and I shouldn’t have to. So what? We were having a party. It’s her fault for busting in like she did. She should be able to handle herself. It’s not like we were gonna force her to try anything.

 

And it’s not like I was gonna do any hard core shit. Just get a little high and then go out with Trace. Oh…now I get it. Trace was in on this. She was the plan for this afternoon. I scratch my head and go sit at the controls for a second to collect my thoughts.

 

Someone sits beside me and I see Tim next to me, staring at me. “Why didn’t you tell me you were dating short stuff?”

 

“It just started.” I shrug. “I didn’t want to make it a big deal.”

 

“She looked kinda freaked or upset.”

 

I nod and rub my hands over my face. Maybe this party thing was a bad idea. But it’s not like I had a choice! They just busted up in here with all this shit. They forced Shauna on me and when I told them I was taken they went crazy and forced her on me even harder. But I’m passed all this fucking random chicks. I got my own girl now.

 

“You might wanna go find her before she gets more upset.”

 

“Yeah, guess so.” He’s right, so I stand up, shake my head, trying to get rid of this feeling of being high. That’s the only problem that I can find with it. It takes forever to come down and get back to where everything’s clear. I mean I love the feeling, but I can’t handle it right now.

 

I go out the door, walk out and find her sitting in this lounge area where there are couches and a TV and a fridge and a little sink and shit. The TV’s on, some courtroom show, but she’s not looking at it.

 

I go and sit by her after pressing power on the TV. She smells good. Damn, and her legs are all tanned and smooth. I smile. She got pretty just for me. I lean into her and start to kiss her, but she pulls away. “Oh come on now girl, you know you want it.”

 

She just stares at me for a minute and sits up. “Not right now.”

 

“What?” I glare at her. What the hell is she trying to pull now? She’s not making any sense. I try again, this time pulling her against me and kissing her neck like I know she likes. She squirms and I hold her tighter, laughing a little. Her skin’s soft and she feels good.

 

“Get off me, Justin!”

 

I let go of her and watch her. She sits on the far end of the couch and looks away from me, her legs are crossed and her arms too. She’s totally pulled away from me right now and I don’t understand it. “What’s got you all closed off? It was just a party.”

 

She still doesn’t look at me and glances down at her nails and picks at them. “I didn’t know you partied that hard.”

 

I laugh. She’s gotta be joking. “It was just some weed.”

 

She looks at me and I hate the look she’s giving me. It’s disapproving and it’s unattractive. “Didn’t really look like just some weed Justin. Is this what you do when I’m not around? Drugs and sluts.”

 

I shake my head. She has no right talking about Shauna and Jess like that. Ok, so they might be a little easy, but whatever. “You don’t even know them.”

 

She bites her lip and glares at me. She’s acting like a child. She can not be serious right now. “She was all over you. I knew you could party, but I didn’t know…I didn’t know you did…” She sucks her bottom lip in between her teeth and doesn’t look at me and doesn’t finish her sentence. It’s pissing me off, this, however she’s acting. I mean, get over it! I wanna hang out with her, but she just wants to yell at me and be pissed cause of something I couldn’t control. And I stopped partying with hard shit a while back.

 

“I haven’t done coke in year or so.” I say to her.

 

Her eyes bug out at me and she stares. “You’ve done it before.”

 

So maybe I shouldn’t have said that but I’m trying to be honest. I’m not like a drug addict. I like to get high every now and then, but the hard shit I’m not a big fan of. I mean I’ve tried it, but it’s not that big of a deal and I honestly didn’t like it all that much. But she’s just going to have to get over it. I mean, sometimes I’m around people doing harder shit than just alcohol and weed. If she wants to be with me, well she’s gonna have to get use to it. She’s being all Miss Priss, all uptight and goody goody and I can’t handle people like that.

 

She just needs to chill.

 

“Why are you acting like this?”

 

“You’re…” She shakes her head and sounds like she’s gonna cry. Don’t even try that. “I thought you were different.”

 

“You thought I was different?” I laugh and stand up. It makes me dizzy for a second, but I get my bearings kind of quickly and point at her. The bitch has pissed me off now! What did she think I was? What did she expect? It’s not like we know each other that well. Damn, I thought she was a little more laid back than this! I thought she was more mature, but nope, she’s just like every other damn girl I meet. “You thought I was different! I thought you weren’t so naïve about this shit. I thought you actually knew something. But ya know what? You’re just a stupid little girl, aren’t you? Acting all shy and innocent about this shit. Either you’re putting on a front or you really don’t know anything about what you’re dealing with. I want a woman who’s mature, Meredith. Not some little girl who freaks out when she’s in a situation she’s not use to. And I don’t want some girl that’s terrified of sex.”

 

She narrows her eyes and stands up close to me. “Excuse me?”

 

“Well you are.” I shrug and then mock her. I’m serious, this “I’m not ready” crap she was pulling in New York annoyed me. I wanna get down and all she wants to do is kiss. Please. “That’s why you’re all always like ‘not yet, let’s wait.’”

 

She shakes her head and starts to cry, covering her face with her hands. Oh great, now…now she’s gonna try and make me feel like shit. “You’re not supposed to be like this.”

 

“Well how am I supposed to be Meredith? I’m not some perfect guy! And I’m not just gonna wait around and change myself to be with you.” I yell at her and she just sits back down and wipes at her face and looks to the side, not looking at me. Well, well fuck that! She’s spoiling my fun! Ya know, I was gonna invite her to join in, but clearly she’s too uppity to want to have fun with me. I bet she just wants to look good for her album. She probably doesn’t even give a shit about me. “Ya know, I was having a damn good time and you have to come down here and spoil it acting all high and mighty. You’re not better than me.”

 

I cross my arms and wish I could either have that joint back and get high some more or completely clear up so that I can think right. I’m a little dizzy and my head’s clouded and there’s this ringing in my ears. And she’s just gonna sit there and cry and it…it’s making me feel sick.

 

She shakes her head and says quietly, “Do you hear yourself?”

 

I go and sit down in a chair and stare at her. She doesn’t look at me, just sits there and cries silently. I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want her to go away and leave me alone and stop making me feel like shit. “Ya know, if you wanna stay and have a good time, please, feel free. But if you wanna freak out and act like your acting now, like some stupid little naïve uptight bitch, then go and leave. I don’t want you around.” She turns and stares at me. I stare back at her, mocking that stupid little glare she’s sending me. I laugh at her. She’s being absolutely ridiculous right now. “That Courtney bitch is having way too much influence on you. You weren’t this uptight in LA. I noticed it in New York but I just thought you were stressed. I guess I was fucking wrong.”

 

She shakes her head, grabs the purse by her feet and stands up. “You just ruined everything.”

 

She starts to walk away form me and I don’t want her to. She’s not supposed to leave. “Fuck, I ain’t ruined shit!” I yell at her. I try to stand up out of my seat, but I can’t move.

 

I just watch her disappear and hear her call back to me, “You’re an asshole.”

 

I hear a door open and then close and figure she must have left.

 

Shit.

 

She left.

 

Well, fuck her. Fuck her getting all mad at me and crying. Fuck her and her, her smile and laugh and all that shit. And tellin’ me she liked me in New York. Ya know, fuck her looking beautiful and shit. Fuck her coming down here to surprise me and to spend…spend some time…

 

Oh fuck.

 

I lean forward and feel like I’m going to puke. My head is throbbing and I start to realize what I just did. Don’t tell me I just did what I just did. Don’t tell me I let her walk away and let her feel horrible. Why did I do that? Why am I such an idiot?

 

I stand up and start to pace. What the hell was that? What the hell was I thinking? I, I knew how she was, I knew who she was. I knew she couldn’t handle stuff like that. I know she’s not all that experienced in the world and, and here I go making her feel like crap about it. How could you be so stupid! I smack my fist into my palm and sit back down and put my head in my hands. I’m not going to be able to fix this. I’m not gonna be able to make this work now. And it was just starting, it hadn’t even really begun.

 

And I know, I know that girl likes me, I know she really cares for me, genuinely, or at least she did. I just, I just got so mad ‘cause I knew, I knew we were gonna fight and I knew when she saw all that crap that she was going to think twice about me and I didn’t want her doubting me. I’m not this great person that she thinks I am. I fuck up. I’m probably gonna hurt her at some point. I guess it’s good that I went ahead and got it over with.

 

And ruined everything in the process.

I gotta fix this. I, I just have to. I have to find a way to get this to work. It’s...it’s only been a week, a fucking week since I first kissed her and, and now I’m ruining it. I pull out my phone and get up and pace through the hall. She doesn’t answer and I don’t expect her to. I don’t leave a voicemail knowing I’ll just, I’ll just sound pathetic. So I just pace some more trying my damndest to figure out what I’m going to do.

 

What the hell can I do?

 

My phone starts ringing in my hand and I look anxiously at the caller id. Thank God. My head’s starting to clear up a bit. That migraine isn’t going away, though. It’s Trace. Good, Trace. I’m going to need him.

 

I answer the phone, “Thank God you called.”

 

“What the fuck did you do?”

 

Shit. I suck in a breath and lean against the wall. “Did she call you?”

 

“What the fuck did you do?”

 

I slide down it and sit on the floor, hitting the back of my head against the hard surface. I fucked up. I admit that and now I just want someone to come beat me in the head and rid me of my misery. “Ruined it. Fucking went out of my head, man. I…I gotta fix it. I don’t know how. But I have to Trace.”

 

It’s quiet for a moment and I hear him suck in a breath and ask me, “You actually told her she was being a bitch?”

 

Shit, I didn’t even realize I did that. God, now I don’t even remember half of what I said. “I fucked up man. She came in and I was shocked and the guys were having a party and she was flipping cause there was coke and some girls there and, and, now she hates me.”

 

“I think she has good reason to!” It’s weird. Trace is angry with me, disappointed and normally he doesn’t interfere with this stuff unless I ask him to. I mean, I’m gonna ask him to, but, but he knows I fucked up and I think whatever she told him, whatever I did, well now he thinks I’m an asshole, too!

 

Maybe it’s ‘cause I am a fucking asshole. And I don’t deserve someone like her. Maybe I should just move on. “Do you know how much work she’s put into this?”

 

I had been tapping the floor in a nervous motion but I stop and suddenly that urge to vomit comes back to me full force. “Into what?”

 

“God Dammit Justin! She’s been planning this all week, so have I. She fucking rented out a nice ass beach house in this private neighborhood for us to hang out when you weren’t working. She’s got shit planned. Hell, I was in the middle of packing up our shit to move it over there, but she called me and told me that you weren’t welcome there anymore and that if you even tried to show up she was going to have Teddy kick your ass!”

 

“Fuck.” I’m beyond being an asshole. I’m the bad guy now and there’s nothing to forgive me for that.

 

“Yeah, fuck.” He laughs and I can picture him shaking his head and thinking that I’m the biggest fool. I am the biggest fool.

 

“You gotta do something Trace.” I feel myself start to get emotional and pinch the bridge of my nose. She’s perfect. She’s…she’s everything I want, beautiful and smart and kind and real and genuine and funny and she sees me and gets me and I made her feel like she didn’t understand me, like she was beneath me. She should have smacked me and told me to go fuck off, but she didn’t. She just sat there and couldn’t stand to look at me and she cried. And now I’m crying and I look like a pussy and I don’t care. “I…I wanna be with this girl.”

 

“Then fucking act like it Justin. What the hell were you thinking?” I know it’s pathetic but I burst into tears. I really wanna be with this girl. I like her a lot and now I’ve ruined it and…and now I’m gonna be alone again and I was fine with being alone when I didn’t have anyone but, but now there is someone, someone I want so bad. She’s the only one I want and I don’t want to be with out her. I can’t be, not when it’s got the potential to be so damn good.

 

I sniff and hear him ask, “Are you high?”

 

I cough and rub my eyes. I’m a mess, I’m a fucking mess. “A little.”

 

“Jesus Christ Justin.”

 

“I wasn’t planning on it, they just brought it.” I wipe my nose with the bottom of my t-shirt and run a hand over my face. I hope one of the guys don’t come out here and see me. That’d be embarrassing. But I deserve it. I deserve to be humiliated.

 

“You always get this irrational.” He mumbles and then sighs, “Look, I’ll come get you in a bit and we’ll talk and figure something out. I’m supposed to have dinner with Courtney tonight, anyway. I’m sure she’s gonna be real pleasant when she finds out what you did.”

 

I clear my throat. I know I’m being irrational, I just wish I could stop. I wish I had stopped before. I wish when she had entered I had gone right to her and kissed her and took her away and spent time with her. But instead I freaked out. She was freaking but I fucking freaked out, too. And I treated her horribly and now, now I’m sure she never wants anything to do with me again. “Do you think she hates me?”

 

“Justin, that girl…” I hear him sigh again and he says, “That girl has been practically in love with you since she met you. I hope it works out but I can’t promise you anything right now and I can’t work miracles. You fucked up and you’re gonna have to deal with that.”

 

“I’ll do whatever I have to.”

 

“Just sober up, I can’t stand it when you get this emotional about shit.”

 

I hear the phone click and sniff and pull it away from my ear. I guess I am being pretty ridiculous just sitting here crying about something I could have handled a lot better. This girl just, I don’t know, she scares me. And I know it’s too soon and I know now it’ll probably never happen but, but I’ve been thinking the past week. I’ve been thinking about how I feel about her and about how we’ll work. I know I can fall in love with this girl and I know if I do it’s going to be fantastic. But then it might mess up. But now I’ve messed any chance of it even starting! I’m willing to do whatever I have to to get her back. I just hope whatever it is it’ll be enough.

Bistro 618, 7:59

 

She’s late.  Almost thirty minutes.  She’s late and it’s something I would never, ever expect from her.  My water has been refilled twice already and I’m not a big water drinker.  I assumed about fifteen minutes ago that she had stood me up.  I assumed she wanted a good laugh, claimed she’d come out to eat with me just to make me sit here and look like a fool.  I figured she was outside with Meredith in a concealed car laughing her ass off and both of them talking about how men were scum.  But then she called, said she was sorry and she would be here as soon as possible and then hung up.

 

I guess technically she could still stand me up, but something in her voice sounded rather annoyed and rushed on the phone.  It shouldn’t really worry me whether she comes or not.  It’s not like this is a date.  It’s just a casual dinner, where I can annoy the shit out of her and see those funny little faces she makes.  And well I have to admit that since the club, ever since we went to Suede I’ve found her, well, attractive.  But I don’t like her, I would never, ever (and I mean ever) want to have a relationship with her.  She’s way too uptight and snotty for me, but you could say I’m interested in her.  I just want to get to know her a little better.

 

Actually, what I’m looking for is a distraction.  Elisha called me again, about two fucking seconds after Justin went to bed last night after he spent all evening sobbing to me.  Well, he wasn’t crying he just, he was pissed off at himself and miserable and he had a damn good reason to.  Meredith’s a good girl and he blew it.  But anyway, Elisha called and started saying crazy shit.  She just wanted to talk, and said she was reminded of me and missed me and want to see how I was doing.

 

What the hell is that bull shit?

 

Of course, then I find out her and her boyfriend had this big fight.  So she calls me thinking that’ll make it better.  I cussed her out on the phone. And it was mean and it was wrong, but it felt damn good.  Maybe she’ll stop calling.  I mean, I don’t call her at all.  It’s like she broke up with me but still wants me to need her and be there in the distance just in case.  That’s pathetic.  And I’m getting to the point where I want nothing to do with her.  Before I kind of hoped for a phone call, but now it’s just getting annoying.  Now, maybe, finally now I’m ready to move on. 

 

And having dinner with Courtney is a step in that direction.  God, I’m not saying I’m gonna go out and marry her, but it’s been a long time since I’ve been alone in female company that wasn’t a family member.  And it’ll be good for work too since Justin and Meredith are together and we’ll be forced to spend so much time together.

 

Well, they aren’t together right now.  Actually, tonight is less about getting to know Courtney better and more about me trying to get Justin to stop moping around the condo.  It’s all he’s done all day and all yesterday.  In fact Courtney and I were supposed to go out last night, but she called, told me Meredith needed her and we rescheduled.  I just hope she’s not wearing khakis.

 

I actually have to wonder if she’s gonna take any of this out on me.  None of it is my fault, but I can see her stomping in here, throwing water on me and saying something stupid like, “Tell your client that was from my client.”  And she’d walk away all hot and pissed off.

 

Ok, she’s not hot.  She’s cute, decent.  Well, she’s kind of hot when she’s dressed up.  Kind of.  Like, I mean, she’s pretty.  It’s not like she’s ugly or anything.  But she’s not hot. 

 

Oh fuck.

 

Yes she is.

 

She’s not wearing khakis.  No, she has on heels, high heels, and a pretty tight black skirt and this top that is classy and yet, at the same time sexy as hell.  What the fuck?  This is khakis girl. She’s not supposed to look good!  She should have let me pick her up.  I asked her if I could.  I thought that would be better than me having to wait at a restaurant for her.  I really wanted to go in and see Mere and see how she was doing and see if she was even considering talking to Justin again so I’d know where he stood and could tell him and make my life easier.  But she said that was too much like a date, that me coming to their beach house in a hot sports car (I don’t know how she knew I wanted to drive Justin’s Porsche that we had sent down from Orlando) would be too presumptuous.  This, according to her, should be viewed as a business meeting, work related, nothing more.

 

Which really doesn’t help that fantasy I’ve had since I was seventeen about some uptight office chick giving me a blow job on a copy machine. 

 

She saunters towards the back of the restaurant where I’m standing to show her where I am and rolls her eyes at me.  “This isn’t a date, Trace.  I should have known when you said the word Bistro that you were just trying to get in my pants.”

 

I sit down after she plops down and blows a strand of hair out of her face.  She has her hair down and it’s pretty and looks soft.  I lean across the table and say in a low voice, “Well if this isn’t a date, dearest, why the hell are you dressed like it.”

 

She smiles and sits back.  Then she narrows her eyes and says with a biting attitude.   “I felt like getting pretty.”

 

“Ya know, this is supposed to be a decent night.  What’s with the attitude?”

 

She leans forward and glares. “What the hell is up with your client?”

 

I know she’s not about to blame this all on me.  Oh, but she is.  And I scoff and roll my eyes at her.  I know it’s childish and I hate doing it and hate when people do it to me.  But her ‘I think I’m mature’ actions which in reality are rather childish just make me crazy and turn me psychotic and I start acting just like her.  I know, it’s pathetic.  “Just cause Justin got high and his little evil personality came through doesn’t mean you can blame at me.  I had nothing to do with it.  I wasn’t even there.”

 

She shakes her head, but for the first time I see a bit of concern and not just bitchy attitude come across.  “She’s a wreck, Trace.”

 

“So is he.”

 

“It’s his fault!”

 

Bitchy attitude is back and I laugh and shake my head.  Why would I assume otherwise?  “He’s well aware.”

 

Just then a cute, short, blonde girl comes up.  She’s the one that’s asked me if I’d like something other than water about three times already.  She smiles at me and then Courtney, “Good evening, my name is Melanie.  Have you had a chance-“

 

Courtney cuts her off and I just stare.  “We’re gonna need a few minutes.”  A look of shock crosses the waitresses face and then she smiles and nods and says “sure” before running off. 

 

I just stare at her for a moment then finally say, “Well that was rude.”

 

She shrugs and waves her hand.  “I haven’t even been sitting here for five seconds, so yeah right I’ve had a chance to look at anything.  And plus I use to wait tables, she should get my drink order first.”

 

I just swallow this lump that’s formed in my throat.  Ok, so I kind of like getting under her skin but I was hoping it would be pleasant and all in good fun, not this insane attitude that she was showing in New York.  Every now and then it would drop and I’d get to see that she, in fact, knew how to smile and laugh.  And I liked that side, at least for the total of ten minutes that it was around.  Damn, this woman is frustrating enough for me to want to tear my own dick off.  Fuck!  I sigh and realize I should just stop whatever it is I’m doing to make her mad. 

 

“Well I’m paying, so get whatever you want,” I say, trying to be a gentleman.

 

She gives me a blank stare. “You’re not paying.”

 

I sigh.  Come on lady!  I’m trying to be nice and of course it just pisses her off more.  I lean forward and grit out to her.  “Don’t even think about pulling out that feminist bull shit on me.”

 

“This is not a date, Trace.”

 

Of course it’s not.  I know that.  I just got excited with having a nice evening and a nice dinner and hell, she’s the one wearing a low cut top and a skirt and has eye makeup on and shit.  I shrug.  I’m just in jeans and a shirt.  “I owe you for getting you in trouble with your boss, remember?”

 

Amazingly she laughs to herself and shakes her head.  “I’m not really mad at you about that anymore.”

 

“Really?”

 

“You were right.”  Am I hearing things?  This girl has to be bi-polar or something.  She was just biting my head off and now is saying I’m right about something.  “I don’t know what Angie was doing, but she said she was gonna do all the scheduling from now on.  And Meredith and I have sort of, well, we’ve started to get a long a little better.  I mean, she annoyed the shit out of me all last week getting this planned.  She just threw it on me at the last minute, just four days ago she told me that she wanted to come here and surprise him.  So then I have to bust my ass and find her a beach house and about half of the ones that I wanted to booked she didn’t like.  I hated that I had to play the celebrity card to get into the one we got.”

 

“That’s what you do in this business.  And I’m glad you guys are getting along.  It’ll make life so much easier for you.”

 

“Yeah, well, she took me shopping the day we got back from promo in New York.  Did she want to sleep?  No.  Did she want to go to her new house? No.  Did she let me go to my vacant brand new apartment I hadn’t even seen yet?  No.  We went straight to shopping and did it for hours until photographers came out and she wanted to get something to eat.  And then I spent the rest of the night helping her decorate her new house.  She’s been in there for two months and it still looks like she’s not even living there, yet.  But we made a big improvement.”

 

I smile at her.  She rambles.  She never seemed like the random type to me.  Rambling is what Meredith does and girls like her, girls who get excited about things and like to talk, bubbly girls with tons of personality.  Not stuffy, priss pots like Courtney.  And yet, here she is, surprising me again.

 

“And you loved every minute of it,” I say.  “Don’t deny it.”

 

She smiles.  She should do it more often.  “When she’s just being her normal self she’s not that bad of a girl.  She’s kind of fun.”

 

“Fun?  You had fun!”

 

“Shut up.” She laughs and playfully sticks her tongue at me.  I like this playful Courtney.  Dare I say, sexy Courtney.

 

“So, you gonna need any help moving into your new place?”

 

“I’m pretty much already moved.  I got one of those places with the furniture already in it.  It’s just a small condo close to the hills.  Plus, I think after tonight I might never see you again except on rare, awkward occasions.”

 

I stare.  She’s laughing but not really being sexy anymore.  She’s laughing like she’s happy about it.  Well fuck that, I’m glad I won’t get to see her either.  Wait, why won’t I get to see her?  “And why is that?  You quitting?”

 

“Meredith never wants to see Justin again.”

 

I shake my head and lean forward.  “She’ll change her mind.”

 

“She had her heart broken, Trace.  You don’t just recover from that.”

 

I take a sip of water, debate whether to say it and finally let it spill out. “Experience?”

 

“Maybe, hasn’t everyone?”

 

“Yeah, but I know that girl likes him too much not to give him a second chance.  Or least to let him explain himself.”

 

“What does he have to explain?” She shakes her head and leans in to talk in a quieter voice.  I try not to stare at her cleavage but, well I’m staring at her cleavage.  “He was doing drugs and hanging out with these girls and letting them hang all over him.  That’s what she said.  She said she slipped into the studio because she wanted to surprise him and everyone was talking about how some girl was pretending something was Justin’s penis.”

 

I run a hand over my face.  He told me everything, every detail, though I’m surprised it could remember it as well as he did.  He said he thought she came in after all that, but he was wrong and it’s gonna be harder for him to get himself out of this if she was there when they were throwing that Shauna girl on him.  “Shit, he hoped that she hadn’t been there to hear that part.”

 

“Ya know, I hear rumors and I always hate to believe them.  But I have to ask, is he really a player?”

 

“Justin?”  I laugh.  Of course, she’d think that.  “Girl, Justin is probably the most committed man I know.  When he’s not dating anyone he’ll play the field.  In the past, especially after relationships end for him, he’ll go in bachelor mode and just go find some random girls that are fine with only having one night.  But he doesn’t feel that way about Meredith.  She’s not random and he doesn’t want just one night.”

 

“Well, he made her feel like that.  She’s done nothing the past few days but sit in her room or shuffle to the kitchen and eat dry cereal.”

 

Man, they are meant to be. “That’s uncanny.  Exact same with him.”

 

“Well he should be upset!”  I stare at her.  She’s getting really upset and for someone who wanted to quit her job only a week ago because her “client” was so annoying, she really had grown attached to Mere fast to care this much.  I have to wonder if she really cares that much about Meredith, or if maybe, maybe this is bringing up bad memories for her. I open my mouth to ask.  Clearly, this girl needs someone to talk to.

 

“Are we ready?”  I clear my throat and look up at Courtney.  I see that she’s ready to make some smart and uncalled for comment to the waitress, so I pick up both our menus and hand them to the girl.  I was able to memorize the fucking thing while I was waiting for her to come. 

 

I laugh.  “She’s not even looked at the menu yet, so I’m going to order for us.”  Courtney’s mouth drops and I ignore her.  “I’m gonna have the tenderloin, medium rare, and she’ll have the balsamic chicken.  I’ll stick with water and she’ll have a glass of the best Crianza you have.”

 

She smiles at me, nods and walks away.  I don’t say anything and just sit there and sip on my water as Courtney stares me down.  She’s funny actually, a funny girl who gets worked up over the silliest of things.  It’s charming oddly enough.

 

“First of all…”  She says slowly, counting on her fingers.  Oh, this oughta be good.  “I’m pissed you just ordered for me.  Second of all, you are very presumptuous. How do you know I eat meat?”

 

“I don’t.  But if you don’t you should really think about starting.”

 

She just glares.  “Thirdly, how do you know I drink wine?”

 

“Wild guess,” I shrug.

 

“And fourthly, how is mister Jack Daniels and Coors only drinking water, and how do you know about wine…”

 

I suck in a breath and shake my head while stifling the urge to laugh at her.  “A lot of questions there, Court…”

 

“Just answer.” Her eyes narrow slightly.  They’re brown and deep and she looks really good with that eye make up on.  Why won’t she dress up like this all the time? She’s not ugly in those khakis pants and pony tail, she’s just not this fine.  Ok dammit!  I admit it.  She’s fucking hot as shit tonight.   And, and she’s not supposed to be. And it’s kind of frustrating me and pissing me off.  Why did she get dressed up? I mean, I know she doesn’t like me.  Maybe a little, but in that way that you start to like someone you hate.  That really childish way. 

 

I take in a breath.  This is anoying me.  “Well, I’m sorry you’re pissed and the meat thing, well, if you really are a vegetarian I’ll flag down the lady and order you a stick of celery or something.  The wine thing, I don’t know.  Most girls like wine.  I hate it.  Ok, I don’t hate it, I’ll drink it if it’s the only thing around and I wanna get drunk, but I’d rather have Jack or a beer any day.  Justin’s mom and dad love wine so I have to order a lot for him for gifts and things.  Her favorite is Rioja and I know Crianza is a term for how Rioja is aged or something.  I was just trying to fucking sound smart, ok?”

 

Her lips turn up in a smile and she purses them a little and leans back.  “Why are you so frustrated?”

 

I can’t help it.  I fucking pout. “’Cause you’re making me look stupid!”

 

The girl comes out with her glass of wine and Courtney sips on in and makes a little moaning noise. 

 

Fuckin’…

 

I look away and take a breath.  This isn’t good.  What the hell was I thinking asking her out like this?  Trouble I tell you.  This girl is fucking trouble. 

 

“And why aren’t you drinking?  I’m sure they have beer.”

 

“I promised Justin I’d get drunk with him tonight and well, I just, just shut up!”

 

She giggles and sips on her wine some more.  “God, you’re testy.”

 

“Just stop smiling at me!”

 

“Why?”  I glare at her.  She knows what she’s doing.  They all do.  Fucking women.  She leans forward and uses her arms to push her boobs together.  I glare at her.  We’re adults.  If she wants me she should just say so.  Teasing is childish and, and I don’t like it.  And she should fucking stop.  “So…”  She runs her finger over the rim of her glass and then sucks the tip of her finger a bit. 

 

I’m usually a really cool and calm guy.  Girls tease and I can dish it right back.  Even if I know their full of shit like this one, I can just dish it back or call them on it and its cool.  But this girl…this woman has done something and I don’t like it.  She’s made me jittery.  So jittery that I don’t notice that my leg is bobbing up and down until I notice the table shaking a bit because my foot is on the leg of the table.  Fucking ridiculous.  I should have taken her to bloody Ruby Tuesday’s or some common shit like that.  Someplace she wouldn’t be all voodoo spell on me. “Since I’ve put you in such a foul mood, why don’t we take the subject away from us and onto business?  My client is depressed as all hell and if you and your client have some miraculous way to make her happy and make up for the horrible things your client did then I’d like to hear it.”

 

I suck in a breath.  So maybe she’s not a complete voodoo witch. “Just let him talk to her.  I promise you that’s all he’ll need and she’ll be happy again and so will he.”

 

“You make her seem easy, like the fact he called her a bitch and told her she was stupid and made her feel horrible can just be washed away if he comes and sees her.”

 

“You really don’t know her that well, do you?”

 

She leans forward again.  I don’t look this time, so I won’t get caught looking at her fantastic...tits.  I watch this old man eating dinner with his daughter.  At least I hope it’s his daughter.  I continue to look away as she says, “Well then tell me about her.  God, you might have known her longer than I have, but I think I’ve spent more time with her than you.  And I’m a woman, I know how I would feel if I were her.”

 

I turn back to her and say rather bluntly, “Meredith is in love with Justin.”  It’s the truth, or if it hasn’t happened yet, it will.  I tell you, when that girl walked in that studio and her and Justin met, well there was something there, on both parts.  And as the day wore on I knew that look that they were giving each other.  It was a look I use to see a lot when Elisha and I first started getting serious.  Meredith fell fast and I know Justin did too, though he’s been through enough emotional shit in his life that he’s become really good at purposefully ignoring or acknowledging any feelings. 

 

“How the hell would you know that?  It’s a crush, Trace.  She acted on it and he acted back and then he fucked up.”

 

“You think I’m clueless when it comes to relationships, don’t you?”

 

She rolls her eyes at me again.  I want to tell her to stop.  I want to tell her she’s prettier when she doesn’t do it.  But then she’d probably smack me.  “You’re a player, Trace.  You proved that to me when we went out.”

 

“Right…”  I love how she puts roles on everyone and assumes she knows someone on a first impulse.  If she wants to know the truth, the player thing that she’s assuming is from the way I acted at the club and the only reason I acted that way was to make her jealous.  When I saw it didn’t work and instead made her laugh, I figured it was better to make her laugh than to make her yell and bitch at me.  So I kept it up.  Yeah, so I’ve partied with girls.  I’ve had fucking one night stands.  But I’m not a player.  Far from it. 

 

I shake my head and sarcastically say, “That’s me, the player.”

 

“What?”

 

I sigh and lean forward.  I’m tried of talking about ourselves.  I just want to get over this dinner and get back home and get drunk as hell with Justin and listen to him moan about Meredith while I pass out.  Why can’t I do that?  Why do I have to be here with her, looking at me like that?  “Look, they at least need to talk.  You’re right she’ll probably kick him in the balls and tell him to go fuck off and then she’ll be happy and he’ll get what he deserves.  But at least give her the opportunity to do that.”

 

“If he shows up with flowers or chocolates or anything pathetically cliché like then I’m gonna punch him myself.  And don’t think he can just come in with a gift and woo her back.  She’s not like that.  She likes to shop but she’s not materialistic.  A diamond necklace or a car isn’t gonna get her back.”

 

“Please Courtney, they’ve only been dating a week.”

 

She fake laughs and leans back to stare at me.  “So she’s not worth a car?”

 

I really hate women sometimes.  Only they would turn something around like that.

 

“You’re ridiculous.  So you might know more about Meredith than I thought, but you know nothing about Justin or about how he acts and reacts.  He won’t admit to himself, or you, or me or anyone but he’s gone for that girl, off the deep end Court.  And if he fixes this, him and Meredith are gonna be a couple for a while unless one of them does something stupid.”

 

“Like call the other one a bitch while being high and doing coke.”

 

“He wasn’t doing coke.”

 

“How would you know?”

 

“’Cause Justin and I are best friends Courtney!  There’s nothing for each other to be ashamed of.  We tell each other everything.  As gay as that sounds, it’s the truth.  He was high and Justin, if he’s not careful, can get very irrational when he’s high.”

 

“Then maybe he shouldn’t be getting high.”

 

I laugh.  I start wondering if she’s ever been high.  I wonder if she’d ever try it.  Hmm… “You need to relax, you’re one of those D.A.R.E. people, aren’t you?”

 

“I’m not a goody goody and I’m not naïve about that stuff, but if him getting high makes him act like that then maybe he should seriously rethink doing it.”

 

“It’s not always like that.”

 

“I don’t care, Trace.  He ruined Meredith’s little vacation. And hell, mine too.  I don’t have anyone to go lay out with now, or go shop with, and she’s needed me to be a shoulder the past two days and that’s fine.   I feel bad for her, but damn...it sucks ass when I’m in Miami and we’re having great weather and I have to be around a moping pop star 24/7.”

 

I bite my lip and watch her run a hand through her hair and drink some more wine.  “I’ll hang out with you,” I offer. 

 

She stares at me and then shakes her head, smiling.  “No thanks.”

 

I look down at the table and then back at her.  She let me down easy but it still kind of hurt.  So what if we fight all the time.  At least its company.  At least she wouldn’t have to be alone.  “What’s so bad about me?”

 

She keeps staring and then her face softens and she slouches a bit.  “Aww, Trace…”  She starts to lean forward to grab my hand or something and do that fake thing you see on TV.  You know, the whole “aww I like you too, but just as a friend” thing.  Fucking gag me bitch! I wasn’t talking about that.

 

“Don’t even start that bull shit.  I don’t like you or have a crush on you or whatever you assume.”  I glare at her.  She’s starting to piss me off now.  “I just, I’m trying to get to know you.  That’s it.  When you don’t have this attitude you’re kind of cool, but ya know what?  I retract my offer, you’re right, we shouldn’t hang out.  I wouldn’t have fun with you anyway.”

 

Ok, maybe I went a little over the top with the attitude on that one cause now she’s sitting back in her seat looking away from me.  For most of the night she’s looked me dead on.  Now she’s eyeing her fork and biting her lip. “Look, I’m sorry.  I’m…”

 

“What?”

 

She sighs, looks up at me for a moment and then back down at the fork.  “I’m really cautious with guys, ok?  Friends, more than friends, co workers, acquaintances, anything.  So, sorry if I come off bitchy to you.”

 

“I’m pretty cautious with women myself.  In fact this is the first date type thing that I’ve been on in half a year.  And before you say anything I’m very aware this isn’t a date.”

 

“Really?”

 

“But I’m a player, right?  I’m too cocky to wine and dine.  Right?  I just like to fuck.”

 

“I didn’t say that.”

 

“Yes you did.” Now I roll my eyes and I sit back, tired of this conversation, of this company, ready to drown that bottle of Jack when I get home.  Ya know, maybe Meredith won’t take him back.  Justin will be miserable for a while, but he’ll get over it and I’ll never have to deal with this woman again.  I cross my arms and let out a deep sigh. That would never happen.

 

“Maybe I should go.” I glance at her and she’s just staring at me.  She looks shocked and maybe there’s a little confusion and hurt in there, too.  I don’t know why.  Girl is confusing the hell out of me.  I thought she knew was the hell was going on.  I don’t say anything, and the next thing I know she’s grabbing her purse off her chair.  The horrible sound of chair legs scraping against hard wood floor echoes in my ears and she’s standing up looking down at me.

 

“Sit down.”

 

“Excuse me.” She glares for a moment and I just look at her.  I can’t say anything but I look at her and plead with her to sit down and talk to me.  This is insane how we’re acting and I think I’m staring to realize why. 

 

“Please…”  I say.

 

She plops down again and huffs.  “What?”

 

“I don’t mean to be an ass.  I don’t mean to make you this upset or frustrated or whatever it is that I do that makes you this way.  So, sorry for that.  But I’m not gonna sit here and act like our fights are just my fault.”

 

“Ok.”  She nods and puts her purse back up and scoots her chair in a bit.  Her elbows rest on the table and she holds up her head with her palm.  “So what do we do?”

 

“Admit that there is tension between us and try to move on from it.”

 

Her eyebrows bunch.  “Tension?”

 

I lick my lips as she takes a rather hearty drink from her glass.  I’m clearly feeling the tension on my part and her seductive moves with the boob pushing and the wine glass molesting and the dress and all the fighting makes me thing that she’s feeling it, too.  So I lean in and whisper, “Sexual.”

 

She chokes a little against the wine glass and pulls it down and wipes at her mouth a bit with her fingers and then her napkin.  She coughs again and stares wide eyed at me.

 

Never thought I could shock this girl.  Kind of makes me smile.  Too bad it means I was wrong about what kind of tension there was. Or either, she was shocked to hear it ‘cause she knew it was true.  Oh shit, that’s what happened.

 

“Are you serious?”

 

I play it off as smooth as possible.  “Of course not.  I think we’re too alike in some ways and polar opposites in others and it’s just the wrong combination.  But I’m willing to sit here and have a nice dinner with you if you are willing to try and not argue about every little thing I do or say.”

 

“Ok.”

 

“Now first, do you think it’d be ok if Justin came over sometime tomorrow?”

 

She sighs, thinks for a moment and then nods.  “But if he makes her cry or if she yells at him to get out and he doesn’t, I will have Teddy kick him out.”

 

“I’ll pull him out of there myself if I have to.”

 

“Ok, well that’s settled.”

 

As if on cue, to keep us from staring at each other awkwardly and having to think up conversation that won’t make us fight, the food comes out.  The waitress puts both our plates down and I start think how starved I really am.  “Thank you.  It looks great,” I say to her.

 

“More wine, ma’am?”

 

I smile at Courtney who looks at me for approval.  Wow, that’s a chance of pace.  I laugh a little and say, “Just bring the bottle for her.”

 

The waitress laughs and Courtney leans forward and giggles a little when the girl leaves. “I’m not getting drunk and going home with you to have sex.”

 

I laugh back at her.  “I don’t want you to.  Just enjoy yourself.  I have to go home and mope with Justin tonight anyway.  Plus,” I look down at my steak and cut into it so I don’t have to look at her directly.  “I don’t wanna have sex with you.”

 

“Good,” I glance up and she’s looking at her food, too. “’Cause I don’t wanna have sex with you either.”

 

She glances up at me and I smile at her a little.

 

She fucking blushes and then looks back down at her food. 

 

So I was lying about the not wanting to have sex thing.  Yeah, pretty damn obvious that I would love to have sex with this woman.  I bet she’s fucking fantastic in bed.  I bet she’s the type that’d give me a blow job on a copier.  Just like my fantasy. And as I cut into my steak and bite down on it, perfectly cooked, perfectly seasoned, I know it was ok that I lied to her.  Maybe I should have been up front and told her bluntly how I was starting to feel about her.  I mean I don’t want commitment.  I don’t want plans and motives.  I’m over relationships.  I just need a distraction.

 

And Courtney, she’d be a great distraction as long as we could keep our fights to a minimum.  They give me a rush at times, but others times they give me a migraine.  But I’ll take the rush with the fights.

 

And I’ll definitely take the rush with knowing that no matter what she just said to me, she was lying, too.

218 SandPiper Drive, 4:03

 

I like Paula Deen a lot. Her voice and her attitude remind me of my grandma that died last year. She was the best cook and so sweet and genuine and positive. Everyone says I got my voice from her. Whenever I get in a bad mood I turn on food network hoping Paula Dean’s show is on or that it’s that Alton man that’s so nerdy and quirky. But right now she’s making me miss my grandma and my momma.

 

I miss my momma a lot.

 

We’ve never had one of those perfect mother/ daughter relationships where she knew all my secrets and we were more like sisters or something. No, she’s just my momma and we fight and we get along but we aren’t super close. But if I was home right now, if I was back in Georgia, which I wish I was, if I was home she’d lay with me in bed, and make me a pecan pie or her homemade cookies and watch You’ve Got Mail and Sleepless in Seattle with me and just lay and be quiet.

 

She wouldn’t ask me too many questions and she wouldn’t have to. She would know a boy hurt my feelings and she would make it better.

 

But momma’s not here right now. And daddy’s not here to make some stupid joke and ask me to watch the game with him, whichever game was on. It could be bowling, it never mattered. If it’s on ESPN, he’ll watch it. And Beebee… I frown and sink further into the covers and hold my pillow, wishing it was my doggie. Maybe I should get one to keep with me, but I hate little dogs and I wouldn’t be able to keep a big dog on the road.

 

Plus, I don’t want Bee to think I’m replacing her. She’d lay right here if I were home and let me hold her. She doesn’t let anyone else hold her. And she’d sigh and just look at me. And I’d rub in between her eyes and I wouldn’t be lonely.

 

I think I wanna go home and forget all this. I mean, maybe I should just forget being a singer. There’s too much drama, too much hurt. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’d never, ever give it up. I just want to be home right now and I don’t want to have to deal with questions about us. I don’t want to have to do that stupid call-in radio interview tonight and I don’t even want to hear his name again, not even for questions about the tracks we did together. Hell, I’ll take it off the album if I have to. And what’s worse is that Sony wants that to be the next single.

 

This morning I asked Teddy to go get me a magazine from the store ‘cause I thought I might go lay out. But then I thought there was no reason for me to get a tan since no one really cares, so I just sat here and read it. Of course he got “The Sun” thinking he was being funny. And he was, most of the articles were hilarious. And then there was one about Justin and me and that club. Reports were we were all but having sex in the VIP area. Witnesses say that I went under the table for an extended period of time and that Justin was seen making weird faces. Then we were spotted walking into the Ritz together and someone claims we made noises so loud that neighbors complained.

 

It’s amazing what lies they will print. The Ritz probably has walls as thick as a bank safe. No one would hear if anything had happened.

 

I really shouldn’t have listened to Coldplay last night. Whenever I can’t fall asleep I put on Parachutes and I normally knock out. Instead, I stayed up most of the night crying. I hate to admit it. I hate being so girly. It’s not even like we were together that long. Fucking high school is what it all is. A week relationship after a couple of months crush and I fucking bawl my eyes out.

 

Over a stupid boy. ‘Cause that’s what he is. He’s a stupid boy and any thought I had of him being a man or being mature, especially more so than me, well that was shot out of the window. Or maybe, maybe he just didn’t like me that much to begin with. Maybe in New York he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Or maybe he’s really just a sex pig and just wanted to do me and when I told him he had to wait he got mad and thought about it over the past week and broke up with me all harsh so I would hate him and he wouldn’t have to worry about it.

 

And that’s where I get stuck. The Justin I knew. The Justin from New York and from LA, that Justin would care. Hell, that Justin did care. In fact our last day in the studio together he told me to take care, told me to keep in touch, told me he would see me around and told me if I needed him he’d always be there. I assumed he was just being nice and did my best to get over him. I was busy as hell, locked in the studio for some time, trying to get the album finished. I didn’t have time to think about Justin Timberlake and my little crush.

 

But I did. I thought about him a lot more than I should. I held it in, didn’t tell Angie, didn’t tell Megan until she forced it out of me one night over Margaritas. When he called up in New York, I was shocked, so much so that the excitement of it didn’t really hit me. I think I was so tired I didn’t really realize what was happening. But when I saw him, when I saw him laying there on the couch and when he smiled at me under that hat, I knew I had it bad. He didn’t even say hey, just moved his legs so I could lay down on the couch with him. And that night, when I snuck to see him…

 

I snuggle into the covers a little and readjust my glasses. I’ve been wearing them nonstop the past two days, I’m not use to that. I’ve been living in my contacts with all the promotion I’ve been doing. That night, he kissed me all slow and he didn’t push me and he could have. I would have been happy to do more than just kiss him that night. The next night was different, I was drunk and not in control. But that night, that night he just kissed me and pulled back the covers and took my glasses off for me, setting them so carefully down on the nightstand. And he turned off the light and held me and kissed me some more and we talked a little. We talked about the songs we worked on together, talked about our schedules. And at some point I fell asleep and I slept so hard next to him.

 

But he had to ruin it all. He had to ruin the slow kisses and the elevator ride and his hands on me in the club. He had to ruin any chance of getting anything more out of me. And I don’t know why. I don’t know why he acted like that. I’ve never seen that in my life. I mean, I’ve been around people doing weed before and it doesn’t bother me. But the other stuff did. I guess I am naïve and stupid like he said. But despite what people write about me and what all the rumors contradict, I’m a good girl and was raised well. I might like to have a good time and might have a hard time controlling myself when I’m drunk, but I’m a good girl. I went to high school at a good, small school in eastern Georgia. Sure there were drugs and stuff but everyone I hung out with would just drink or smoke. We were good kids.

 

In college I spent most of my time with my boyfriend and with Megan and we just sat around and were goof balls most of the time. And so what if I’ve been in the “business” for a few years. I don’t have a lot of Hollywood-type friends. Most everyone I knew I knew before I had my first record.

 

And even if I was use to people doing drugs I think I had a right to freak out by what his friends were saying to him about those girls. I was expecting to come down and see him hunched over and tired and was expecting a bright smile and a huge hug when he saw me. Instead I got fucking bloodshot eyes, horrible breath and just a stare. Just a shocked, cold stare.

 

I got some slut with no bra and fake breast and fake ugly hair touching him and looking lusty at him.

 

I guess the only positive thing about the situation is seeing that Courtney really does care about me. She’s been here for me more than I could ask. I mean, I haven’t sobbed to her or anything, I know that would probably annoy her. Plus I have Megan for that kind of thing. But it was still nice to have her here. As soon as I came back from the studio she let me yell and scream and just sat there and listened. She listened to me lose it for an hour, then sat me down and made me some tea. She told me to take a shower. I thought she was crazy but it actually helped. It actually made me feel a little better, calmed me down.

 

And last night when I couldn’t sleep, after I had listened to Coldplay, I came out of my room about 1 in the morning to find her on her laptop. She said she was just going to bed, but stayed up and watched a MagicBullet blender infomercial with me. I woke up this morning still on the couch, but a blanket was over me.

 

About an hour ago I fought off the urge to call Trace. I knew he’d just give the phone to Justin and then I’d be stuck. Part of me wants to talk to him. Part of me wants to know that whatever happened was some chemical imbalance in his mind or he had an evil twin or something. Part of me wants to hear him explain. But the other part, the other part of me keeps yelling at me, saying that no man should call you bitchy, especially when there’s no reason for it. No man should make you feel bad, no man should hurt your feelings that way.

 

And he did. He hurt me so bad.

 

Maybe I just want to know why.

 

I laugh at myself. I really am pathetic. I want him to call, I really do want him to. I want to hear him apologize, I want to hear his explanation. And I want to take him back, though I know I shouldn’t. But maybe he doesn’t want to apologize, maybe he doesn’t care.

 

Courtney said last night that Trace and her didn’t really talk about what Justin did when they went out to eat. She said, Trace said, that Justin hadn’t really mentioned it.

 

So, I don’t know. He probably doesn’t give a shit about me. I guess I’m just getting my hopes up, I guess he’s right. I’m just a stupid, naïve little girl. A little girl who was ready to go for it and give it her all and make it work. I was ready to make this deep with him, to not just date him but to be in a relationship with him, to…fuck it, I’ll say it, to fucking fall in love with him.

 

I was ready for that. I guess this is what I get for getting my hopes up.

 

Paula is making these little chocolate bread muffins and it’s making me hungry. I barely ate the day everything happened, I was anxious and nervous and upset and my stomach paid the price. Yesterday I just ate cereal and some ice cream and today I had a frozen pizza for lunch, but I only ate a slice of it and gave the rest to Teddy. The Cheerios box is still on the nightstand and I reach over to grab it.

 

I hear the doorbell ring. It seems to echo in the house. I know Courtney’s here. She said she was gonna go sit on the deck, though. Teddy, hell I don’t know where he is. I hope it’s no one bad. I’ll just not answer it. It’s a private, gated community so it’s not some psycho murderer. At least I hope not.

 

I think I’ll just lay here and they’ll go away.

 

It rings again and I freak out a little. I turn the volume all the way down and listen really hard. Just the air condition. At first I think maybe I can just peek out the window but then I remember that there’s a roof over the front porch so I can’t see down to the door from the second floor. I figure I should probably get out of bed and go run and get Courtney. But before I can even get the covers off I hear Courtney’s voice. It’s muffled and I can’t make out any words. I hear footsteps in the foyer and strain to hear. It’s silent. I hear the front door shut and think maybe someone had the wrong house or something.

 

Then there’s a knock at my door.

 

I just stare at the door and sink down into the covers. I start to get a feeling and I realize what’s going on. I think I know who’s on the other side of that door.

 

“Mere?”

 

I close my eyes and say “shit” to the ceiling.

 

I might want to take him back, but I don’t know if I’m ready. Shit, I don’t know if I’m ready.

 

The door cracks open and I open my eyes and look at the door. I don’t say anything, I don’t know if I could say anything to him if I wanted to. What do you say in a situation like this? He must not know what to say either. He’s just in the doorway, looking back at me.

 

He’s wearing pretty much that same thing that he wore the night I snuck out to see him in New York, gym shorts and a white t-shirt. He hasn’t shaved. He looks pitiful. And I shouldn’t think it, and I shouldn’t care, but to me, to see that look on his face, that look that tells me in that moment he’s more sorry than I know, that makes me melt. How can he still make me melt? He breaks his stare and steps in the room. He shuts the door behind him and doesn’t say a thing but walks right over to my bed. I can’t move. I just watch him kick off his shoes and then reach to pull the covers off that side off the bed.

 

He can’t get in. He can’t do that to me. He can’t just expect to come in here and get in bed and hold me and say he’s sorry and it all be ok. I curl up on my side, facing away from him. I scoot to the edge of the bed in an attempt to tell him without speaking that I don’t want anything to do with him.

 

But I do, I do want everything that is him.

 

I feel the bed shift, I feel arms come up around my torso and feel him pull me back against him. He holds me so tight with my back against his front, both of us on our sides. He kisses my shoulder and buries his forehead in the crook of my neck. I gulp and look at the wall. He makes it so hard. And yet so easy.

 

“I don’t know what I can say or do, but I’ll do it if it means you’ll forgive me.”

 

I suck in a breath and let him hold me for a moment before turning to face him. He remains on his side and pulls away from me a bit. I lie on my back and look at him. “You hurt me.” He closes his eyes and bites his lip. “You hurt me so bad, Justin.”

 

“I know. I didn’t realize it at the time ‘cause I was…”

 

“You were high.” I finish for him and look away.

 

“It’s not an excuse.”

 

“No, it’s not.”

 

He stares at me and it makes me feel uncomfortable. If we weren’t in this situation I wouldn’t mind it ,but something about the way he’s looking is so expectant, like he’s just waiting for me to forgive him. I don’t know if I can do it that easily. It’s quiet for a while because I don’t know what to say to him and I can tell he’s trying his best to figure what to say to me.

 

“Do you want me to try and explain?” He finally asks.

 

I pull away and curl up on my side again. For some reason a surge of anger hits me. I’m not an angry person. In fact, the whole thing with Leah hurt me more than it angered me. I try not to be bitter or hold grudges, but what he did to me did anger me. Yeah, I’ve been moping around and sad the past few days, but when it first happened I was enraged and now, now a little surge of that comes back and I don’t know why. I want to take him back and that’s probably why. Laying here with him, feeling his body against mine and seeing in his eyes that he really is sorry, that he really knows he fucked up, well that makes me want him. That makes me want to forget anything happened and just lay here with him and kiss him. And that makes me so angry with myself.

 

I can’t be that easy, right? I can’t just forgive him in a snap. Right?

 

I suck in a breath. “What’s to explain, Justin? You, you changed.”

 

“I was scared, Meredith.” He comes close to me again. I hear him sigh. His hand touches my shoulder and starts to rub my arm. He’s making this so hard. He makes this so, so damn difficult to stay mad. “I was scared from the moment I decided to date you ‘cause I knew this would be big. I knew we would be big. I knew this was special and I knew that it was gonna get blown up by everyone else. I wanted to keep it as simple for as long as possible. So I didn’t tell any of the guys that and they wanted me to hook up with one of the girls they brought. I can’t say in a different situation I wouldn’t have taken them up on that. If I were single then I might have. But I’m not single. I’m with you.” He pauses and then I feel him pull me so I’m on my back. He stares at me. “I’m with you, girl.”

 

“Are you embarrassed of me?” My voice is a whisper, I don’t know why. I knew after everything came out in the papers with me and Megan it would be very hard for me to date. I knew most the people I met would either turn up their nose or be with me for the wrong reason. I was terrified of being alone. I’m fine with being single now, but the idea of never settling down, that…that terrifies me. That’s why when I met Justin and he ignored all the other shit and just wanted to know me for who I really am, that…that meant so much. But it still doesn’t change the fact that people are going to think, “ooo, he’s dating the half lesbian party girl who’s quoted to saying ‘my favorite thing is giving head.” I never even said that, and if I did it was meant as a fucking joke. “Is that why you didn’t tell them?”

 

“Meredith, I don’t care what people think. I don’t care what people say. I’ve dealt with that shit for way too many years. But you haven’t. You’re still trying to cope with what Leah did to you and another big press story isn’t gonna make it any easier.”

 

I shouldn’t have thought of that. I shouldn’t have even brought her up. Fuck, why is he right? Why am I still coping with this? She was just a money hungry bitch who said some lies and took things out of context for a moment in the spotlight. But maybe I can’t handle it. Maybe I’m not mature enough to handle it. I start to cry a little and look away, hoping he won’t notice. “’Cause I’m stupid and naïve, right?”

 

“No, you just haven’t had time to deal with this stuff.”

 

I wipe at my face hoping I don’t cry for long. My eyes are exhausted, and this morning when I woke up I noticed I had cried so hard a few blood vessels had broken on the skin around my eyes. “This still doesn’t explain yesterday. I…I can forgive you for those girls, though I don’t like it. I don’t think you’d like it if Megan or someone just brought around some hot men and pushed them on me.”

 

“I wouldn’t like it.”

 

I don’t know why, but suddenly I have the urge to face him to get all this over with so we can see where we stand. I turn around, laying on my side and stare at him. “And I’m fucking sorry I flipped out about the drugs, I just…”

 

He shakes his head and reaches to touch my hair, but pulls back right after he’s done it. “I know Mere, I know you’re not use to it. And honestly, I shouldn’t be around it.”

 

I don’t know why I do it, but I find myself clutching the front of his t-shirt and curling into him. His legs rub against mine and I reach my feet down to feel his. I don’t have a foot fetish. In fact, other people’s feet kind of disgust me, but his feet are kind of cute and they feel good when I rub mine against his. I sigh against him. He makes me feel safe and when he puts his arms around me and sighs I find myself shaking a bit. It’s only been a few days since we weren’t together but it’s been more than a week since he held me in the elevator and the rest of the world stopped and he proved right then that he really did care. And I guess that’s why I was so confused at the studio. That last image of him and the phone calls we’ve had of him just being stupid or trying to turn me on over the phone, that was the Justin I loved, and he just threw in this new Justin that didn’t give a shit and only cared about himself. And that scared me. “I don’t care if you get high every now and then, but that other shit…I don’t wanna date a drug addict, Justin.”

 

“I don’t use it. I promise.” I believe him and even though I probably shouldn’t, I know deep down that Justin is a good guy. Plus, he knows what that stuff can do to a career and would never let it take over. It’s what I respect about him. His career is his passion and he’d never jeopardize that. We lay there and I find it peaceful to listen to his heartbeat with my forehead against his chest. In New York his heartbeat was slow, easy, soothing almost. This heartbeat is faster now and I glance up at him and see him staring off into space and licking his lips. He’s nervous. He notices me staring at him and tries to smile. “This is a nice house.”

 

It really is a nice house and I got the master suite for the both of us. It’s what sold me when Courtney was showing me online pictures of places to stay. It’s nice, huge, a sleigh bed out of mahogany. There’s marble tub that over looks the beach and is more than big enough for two. And there’s a balcony that you can go out on with a table and lounge chairs. The downstairs is very homey and cozy, not too modern, but not like 70s-tastic grandma furniture. There’s a pool and a hot tub and it’s right on a private beach. There’s hammocks and porch swings and I got the fridge stocked with stuff I knew he liked, or hoped he liked. I had plans for us to fly out to the Keys for a day and go snorkeling. I wanted to be romantic. I told Courtney to tell whoever she needed to stock the place with candles and flowers. I even asked for champagne. There were even nice silk sheets for the bed, but took them off for just regular cotton ones when he did what he did.

 

I wanted it to be romantic. I…I even went to this lingerie boutique when we were in LA. I thought maybe, maybe I’d surprise him and give him what he wanted so badly in New York. I figured after a few days with just him I’d want to, and I’d be ready. My moral of waiting at least a month, or at least into love was in range was thrown out. I wanted it to be special and, and for me love was in range. He stares at me, his eyes watery and deep blue. It still is in range and I wanna grab it. “I rented it for you. I had so much planned for us.”

 

He sucks in a breath and pulls away from me. I just watch as he lies on his back and covers his face with his hands. “I’m an idiot, girl. I don’t even know what to say.” He pulls his hands off and stares at the ceiling, shaking his head. “I didn’t know what to do, all I knew was that you were gone and I had fucked up. Courtney and Trace talked it over last night and decided I should come and try to make things right. I was happy when Trace told me I had a chance but I was terrified ‘cause I didn’t know how I could make up for what I did. And I’m so glad you gave me the chance to talk to you.”

 

“She lied. She said they didn’t talk about it. She said that Trace was talking about how you hadn’t really talked about what happened.”

 

He laughs, just quietly for a second and turns back over to his side and shakes his head. “I don’t know why she would say that. I haven’t shut up about it. Call him and ask him, Meredith. I haven’t stopped talking about it. I couldn’t sleep last night cause Trace came home and told me I could come by today around 4. I don’t know why they scheduled us a time but they did.”

 

“I couldn’t sleep last night, either.” He stares at me again and this time I don’t feel awkward and I don’t want him to stop.

 

“Meredith…” I look in his eyes and I involuntarily sigh when his hand cups my face. He comes closer and whispers to me, brushing under my eye, across my cheek with his thumb. “I’m not going to beg you to forgive me or give me another chance. If you want me to I will, I’ll get on me knees and I’ll pitch a fit. Just know that I won’t fuck up again. I’ll try so hard, I’ll try so damn hard for you.” He sucks in a breath and I’m amazed to see him cry. It’s just one tear and he quickly brushes it away, but it makes me think. Maybe, maybe he does really care about me. Maybe he cares as much as I do.

 

Maybe it’s not so bad that I’m giving into him so easily.

 

“I want it to work, Justin. I want to be able to trust you. And I’ll forgive you and give you another chance, but I’m scared. Right now, I can’t handle a broken heart. I can’t be in the middle of promoting my album or on tour and have you treat me like that. I can accept fights. I can accept that it might not last, but I can’t accept you acting like that. That’s not who I know. That’s not the Justin I…” I take in a breath and I gulp and I just put it out there. If he gets scared and runs away then, fine. That’s his loss. But I need to be honest and I need him to know how much this means to me. “That’s not the Justin that I fell for.”

 

He doesn’t miss a beat and I’m surprised to see relief in his face. “Then let me show you him. Let me spend some time with you here. Let’s go back to LA and really start this. Let me even take you and show you off to Tennessee, girl.” I smile at him and he smiles back. But then it fades and he stares harder at me than, than I think I’ve ever been stared at. His forehead hits mine and he reaches to grab my hand. His eyes move down from my eyes and he sucks in a breath before looking back directly at me. “Let me fall in love with you Meredith.”

 

I lick my lips and feel myself pulling away a bit. He can’t just say perfect things like that. It’ll...it’ll mess me up. “Don’t just say that.”

 

“I’m serious. This…this isn’t a joke to me. This isn’t just for fun. I might not have wanted to realize it at first. I might have played it off that I just had the hots for you and just wanted to get in your pants, but…but this is different.” He shakes his head and wipes his eyes again. “I’ve been a mess without you, without the thought of you or the possibility of you.”

 

I think about what he says and agree with him. It’s what’s made me so upset, the possibility of it being really over. But it was the possibility that kept me going the past few months, that made New York and Courtney’s bad mood bearable. “It kept me going during recording and promotion,” I say to myself.

 

“What did?”

 

I look up and meet his eyes. “The possibility of you.” He slowly starts to smile and I roll my eyes and laugh at myself thinking that was clearly a ridiculous thing to say. “Was that cheesy?”

 

He shakes his head and scoots closer, so all his body is against mine. “If it was I wouldn’t know, ‘cause…” He sighs one of those sighs where you can just see the weight lift off someone. He holds my face and runs his fingers over my lips. In that movement I give into him, I give completely into him. “You’re smiling at me and that’s all that matters.” He kisses me, softly, testing to make sure its ok. It’s ok. It’s more than ok. I probably shouldn’t have let him in and I probably should have kicked him out as soon as he tried to get into the bed. But I didn’t. I didn’t because I wanted to believe that he really was sorry and that he really wouldn’t do it again and that…that whatever happened the other day, whatever it was that sparked that attitude was gone far away.

 

I believe it. And I might be a fool and I might be pathetic for doing so, but I don’t care. He deserves a second chance.

 

He pulls away and whispers against me. “You’re all that matters, Mere.” He studies my face and pulls me against him in a hug, kissing my neck and then leaning his head against my shoulder. “Thank you.” He says, his voice shaky.

 

“For…”

 

“Giving me a chance.”

 

“You know you had it to begin with.” I smile and hug him tightly. He moves so he’s lying on his back and I go with him, forced to lie on top of him.

 

I sit up a little bit as I lay on him, with my upper body held up by my forearms. He runs a hand up my arm and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “You’ve had me from the beginning. You had me since 2 o’clock on that Sunday afternoon when you walked into the studio. And you have me now, and I’m not going anywhere and I’ll be damned if I give you a reason to leave again.”

 

I scoot up against him and lean down. “I won’t leave if you won’t.”

 

He holds my face with both his hands, smiling as he brings it down closer to his own. “I won’t give up if you won’t.”

 

I laugh. “We’re so pathetic.”

 

“We’re artists,” He shrugs and shows me a lopsided grin. “We’re allowed to be dramatic.”

 

I kiss him briefly and pull back and whisper to him, “And we’re aloud to make up…” He just stares at me and I go for it. I kiss him, hard. I put everything I have into that kiss. I want to give him a reason to stay, give him a reason to try his best not to mess up. And he does a pretty good job of kissing me back and giving me a reason not to give up on him. I know I should be stronger than this. I know I should be angry and talk about how he disrespected me and tell all my friends and cuss him out. But I’m a sappy little girl, bent on the hope of love. I’ll do what I have to and if that means forgive someone, then that means I’ll do it.

 

And he’s worth it. He might have fucked up, but I know at some point I’m going to mess up and, well I hope he’ll give me a second chance also.

 

Having him kick off the covers and force me on my back makes me smile and he returns it, laughing slightly. And having him lie down against me as he kisses me furiously, that’s…that’s worth it. To be reminded of all those times I fantasized about him doing this to me while we were recording, and of the times he would listen to me talk and ramble for hours, for the time in New York and all the thoughts in between, it’s worth it. I might be naïve at times, but I know a good thing when I see it.

 

What Justin and I have, what we’re trying to have, it’s a very, very good thing. And it makes me so happy to know that this good thing is just beginning.

Off the coast of Key West, 2:15 p.m.

 

I’m thankful that the water is relatively calm today and that we’ve anchored close to shore, near this vacant little cove and not out in the open. I knew when Meredith dropped the bomb on me last night, at one in the morning, right before I was going to bed, right when I realized that during her radio interview Justin had been napping in her bed all night and now he was shuffling to the kitchen in just a pair of gym shorts, that it would be a really, really bad time to tell her I get seasick. She was so excited. She jumped down on the couch beside me beaming. I had found out much earlier in the day, by accidentally walking in on some major make out session they were having, that they had made up. In fact, I don’t think either of them realized I came in so I didn’t say anything and just left quietly. But she had remained pretty calm during her radio interview and as soon as it was over she ran back upstairs. When she came to me last night she was acting well, she was glowing. It was as if she got laid.

 

It was presumptuous for me to think so and even bolder for me to ask her, but I did. I had been put in charge of keeping her healthy and in line. The healthy part I didn’t think would be that big of a deal. Apparently about a year ago, after she had been on tour and been going non-stop for a little more than 280 days, she had had a minor collapse and had to be hospitalized for exhaustion. But she seems pretty good about maintaining her hydration and sleep now a days. As long as there isn’t a certain shaved head, blue-eyed boy wonder lurking about. And it was him barely dressed and her with a glow on her face that made me have to ask. I didn’t know if she was on birth control and assumed she wasn’t since I had never seen a patch on her skin or seen her take any pills. I know she’s an only child and more and more I’m starting to feel like a purchased big sister.

 

She blushed immediately when I asked and whispered, “not yet” to me and then giggled, jumped up and ran over to hug Justin from behind. “Justin’s got tomorrow free so we’re all gonna go snorkeling!”

 

To begin with, when I was helping her plan this trip, I knew it was something she wanted to do. I had even booked the small flight from Miami to Key West, looked up the best snorkeling guide I could find and rented a yacht. I never assumed she’d want me to go. I thought it would be some romantic fling with just her and Justin. And now that she was inviting me I knew trouble was peeking its head out. I knew snorkeling would mean boats and boats would mean rocking and rocking would mean seasick. But to see her there hugging him, blissfully happy as he chugged a glass of milk, made it impossible for me to be able to tell her no. I could have easily told her I didn’t want to go, but I knew that would cause a fuss. Lately, it’s seemed that she had latched onto me. Ever since we landed in LA she would say, “Courtney, help me with this. Can you do this?” And if I told her I really needed to be doing something else she would beg. And normally all the tasks she wanted me to do were for both of us, not just for me to go do by myself. It was almost as if now, now she really liked my company.

 

And that is a strange thing.

 

I figured if she was going to be nice and Justin kept her occupied and a certain man with a deep southern accent kept a decent distance away from me and my temper, I’d be fine and maybe even have fun. As long as I didn’t puke the whole way.

 

And I am glad I came. I’ve improved my tan, drastically and this new Candace Bushnell book is pretty good. Of course Trace has already commented on it being a chick book and asked me to let him know when I got to the hot sex scenes. He wants me to read them out loud. He’s such a perverted little man. Cute, charming when he wants to be, but absolutely ridiculous when it comes to some of the things he dares to say to me.

 

But right now nothing is talking to me except the sounds of the sea lapping against the yacht, a few gulls in the air, and the words of the book. All three of them went in the water, snorkeling with some guru we picked up. Layden, is his name, I think. The man looked a little too old and a little too high to really know what he was doing. Apparently he’s the best, though. And well, they’ve been gone for almost an hour. I hope they haven’t drowned. The yacht itself is insanely nice. Sometimes I forget, even though I was the one to book it and I signed the bill for Meredith, that I really do work in this business for celebrities. Before, sure I worked for an insanely rich man, but he wasn’t famous. He got perks but not the ones that someone gets when everyone else knows them. Adding Justin to the mix just makes those perks heighten. Like this morning, when we went to a local breakfast café after waking up at dawn to fly here. The service was impeccable and though there was a bill, I peeked over Trace’s shoulder and saw that it wasn’t nearly as high as it should have been for the type of food we were getting. And they brought us out a few things we didn’t order, just as a complimentary thing.

 

And this yacht. Not only is it huge and fit for a king, it’s stocked with supplies. There’s a nice living area inside with a plasma TV. There’s all sorts of beach supplies and tons of food, fresh fruit and cheeses and gourmet crackers. There’s all sorts of drinks, wine and champagne, beer and soda. I rolled my eyes at that, like anyone needs to be drinking that shit on a yacht, in the gulf, when its 85 degrees outside. Of course I already over heard Justin saying that if they didn’t get eaten by sharks they’d unpop a bottle.

 

Meredith proceeded to scream about sharks and they had a hard time getting her in the water. Justin threw her in and then Trace pushed him in. I laughed, it was funny. But Justin’s attitude towards me hasn’t been funny. It’s not really that he’s mean or rude, he just all together ignores me. He hasn’t said a word to me. He talks with Trace and Teddy and Tiny and hell, even the guy steering this boat, but not me. I mean I know I was a hard ass that past week, but I was nice enough to let him in the house yesterday.

 

That was really the only time I got a sense that he even saw me or cared that I was there. I opened the door and he was pitiful looking. He really has that pout down perfectly. I told him where her room was and then watched him take a breath, walk to the steps, look up at them and then quietly run up them. Trace scooted through the doorway with two large duffel bags on each shoulder and commented that Tiny would be arriving soon with the rest of their stuff.

 

I knew the plan was for Justin to stay over, but I didn’t know that meant the long haul. Trace was so convinced that Meredith would take him back before Justin had even come over that he checked out of their hotel and assumed they could all shack up with us.

 

Thankfully there are enough bedrooms. With Justin and Meredith sharing a bed and one of the rooms having twin beds and two other smaller bedrooms, one up stairs and one down, it’s been pretty decent. I have the bedroom downstairs and it has access directly to the back porch and I like that. But I can’t say I don’t feel a little awkward sharing a house with four other grown men and only one other female, a female who seems to bask in the masculine presence. She soaks up the attention and they are happy to give it to her.

 

Like today, when she took off her top and her shorts to reveal one of the smallest little white bikinis I’ve ever seen. I shook my head. White, she better hope there’s enough padding or that thing is gonna be see-through when she gets out of the water. When she revealed her bathing suit, everyone’s eyes were on her. Even the old hippie snorkeling guy and the boat driver. Trace and Tiny were staring at her and even Teddy, who’s always called her ‘lil sis. And there was Justin. I almost laughed at the poor guy. He looked about ready to pass out.

 

Meredith might play off the innocent, sweet, southern girl card, but she knew what she was doing when she picked that out to wear. And I guess I was looking, too. Of course I wasn’t fantasizing about her. I was comparing because that’s what us girls pathetically do to each other. It’s what’s kept me pulling down on the tank part of my suit all day and kept the sarong around my waist. I’ve never really been body conscious. I don’t eat crap and I run around enough to burn off any crap I do eat. But it’s still intimidating as hell to be on this yacht with one of the most sought out bachelors in the world with his best friend and two large bodyguards and have this girl be able to casually walk around with barely anything on, completely comfortable with herself and her surroundings. Her body is trained to be that fit and that good looking and it can make even a girl like me, a girl who’s never really cared about what other people think or at least has tried not to, be self conscious and closed off. It doesn’t help that she’s naturally pretty either. She’s the all-American girl, but with dark features so she looks a little exotic. That kind of shit guys just eat up. I find it a little annoying.

 

I know I should be more enthusiastic and talk more with them. But they’re all into this outdoorsy adventure stuff. I’m content with sitting here, smelling like banana boat and reading chick lit. By myself.

 

I hear a splash and pull my sunglasses down just a bit and sit up. I dog-ear the book and set it down. I look off to the side of the front of the boat where I’m laying and see someone in the water and then a head pops out and a squirt of water hits me in the face. “What the…”

 

I hear laughter and move before Trace does some hand squirting motion and water flies towards me again. “Come on in, girl!” I want to laugh at him. He’s got those horrible looking snorkeling goggles, the ones with the breathing tube, on the top of his head. He floats on his back for a second and I notice he has on feet flippers. He looks pathetically silly in those things and I can’t help but smile.

 

“I’m not a big water fan, thanks though.”

 

“Come on, Court. It’s fun! I saw Nemo!”

 

I blink and then notice near Trace Meredith is holding onto Justin’s back as he treads and swims around. Neither of them have on any snorkeling gear. It’s funny how she says she saw Nemo just like a five year old. Sometimes she shocks me with maturity other times she’s just…well, still very high school. I don’t blame her, though. She hasn’t really had to grow up yet. I guess the business can harden people to an extent, but she dropped out of college almost halfway and it’s my belief that you really don’t mature until college is over and the workplace begins. The normal 9-5 work day never applies to Meredith. It’s either an abnormally 6-past midnight, or not a workday at all.

 

“That’s ok. My book is just getting good.”

 

“We might have to come out for story time, then.” I roll my eyes when I hear Trace’s voice. “Any good, hot, hard core sex action yet?”

 

I just laugh and hear Meredith yell a shocked, “what?” before going back to my little seat, settling in and opening up my book again. I guess it’s great that they all seem so happy. I don’t know any of them that well. Even though I’ve spent pretty much every waking hour with Meredith for the past two weeks. I still feel like she’s guarded to some extent. Maybe its not really like she’s guarded, but she definitely doesn’t look at me like Justin looks at Trace. Most of the time I feel more like a babysitter than an assistant, more like a sister than a friend, and even then a sister that only recently was forced to connect with her. Even here, with everyone around, Justin and Trace who are my age, and her only a year or two younger than me and with 35 year old bodyguards hanging out at the back of the boat, I still feel like a babysitter, like an outsider. I feel like it’s my responsibility to keep everything in line and running smoothly. I can’t have fun like them. I guess I’m the one that’s guarded, not her.

 

And I know it’s my fault and my own doings that I feel that way, but I really don’t know what to do to stop. I feel, I don’t know, maybe matronly or something, sitting here with a chick book, wearing a sarong and drinking an iced tea while the three of them splash around like children.

 

I’m only 25. What the hell happened to me to make me age ten years or more?

 

Oh, right…Keith.

 

I sigh and take a sip from my drink, really wishing I had brought my cigarettes with me. But I really need to quit. I’ve been trying for a while now, but every time I go about a week without them I fall back into the habit. It doesn’t help that I can smell someone smoking on this boat, that sweet dense smell of tobacco. I don’t know who it is, but it’s making me a little crazy right now. I sit up and turn around hoping to discover who it is and hoping to bum a cig off of them.

 

It’s Trace. He’s got the flippers still on his feet and a towel around his bare neck and a cigarette dangling from his lips.

 

“Bring me a beer, J.”

 

I try to ignore him for my own sake of hoping I won’t become desperate and ask him where he got that cigarette. I pull my book up and pretend to read furiously and forget about the smell that’s lingering around me. A nice sea breeze comes through but it doesn’t help. I can hear his flippers flapping towards me.

 

“Hey.”

 

And I realize why. He’s now standing right over me. I peer down from the book and smile at him smugly before pulling the book back up. “Hi.”

 

“Can I sit wit cha?”

 

I don’t comment and I can sense movement near me. I look to my right, just glancing and notice him smiling at me, with that pathetic, stupid little smile he gives. “Gotten to a good part I see,” he says and takes off his flippers.

 

“No, I’m not reading. I’m trying to forget that you have a cigarette in your hand.”

 

“Want one?” I now notice that he has a pack in his hand and a small ashtray that he sets between us.

 

“I’m trying to quit.”

 

“So am I.” He laughs and pulls out a Marlboro for me. I shouldn’t be taking it.

 

“Here man.” I notice another shadow and Justin is standing there with two beers and a glass of champagne. He hands Trace the beer. And then sighs, takes a swig from the other bottle and then extends the glass to me. “Mere told me to give you this.”

 

“I have tea.” I know that’s such a lame thing to say. Right now I should just take it and say thank you and hopefully get him on my good side. But it just came out that way. I cringe a little because I know that his eyes narrowed behind his sunglasses.

 

“Just take it.” He all but throws it at me and a little bit of the bubbly drink spills on my thigh. I wipe it up as he walks away and disappears behind the side of the boat.

 

I’m sitting here trying to get situated with now two drinks, a book, and this sarong thing. I should just take it off. My towel keeps getting bunched up behind me and that’s annoying me beyond belief.

 

“Want your smoke or not?”

 

I groan and finally get everything situated before looking over at Trace and seeing him holding out the pack to me, squinting in the bright sun. I sigh and take one. “You’re a bad influence.”

 

“You like it, though.” He’s smiling as he lights it for me and it immediately takes the edge off any anxiety I was having. I don’t know why I would be anxious, but now I can feel the tobacco calming me down. Sometimes I don’t understand myself. “I’ll be back, I gotta piss.” I look as he stands up, his cigarette dangling from his lips as he holds his flippers in one hand and his beer in the other. The towel is still around his neck.

 

“Thanks for sharing.” I say, blowing a stream of smoke away from him.

 

“Don’t miss me too much. You better have picked out the good sexy scenes when I get back. I need a naptime story.”

 

I laugh and watch him walk away, “Perv.”

 

“You love it.” He laughs too and sticks his tongue out at me and I can’t help but smile. He annoys the shit out of me, but sometimes he seems to know just what to do to help me relax. Most other times he’s making my blood pressure and my stomach ulcers increase to new levels of obnoxiousness.

 

I hate to admit that I actually had a nice time with him when we went out to dinner, but I did. Of course most of that had to do with the fact that he all but forced me to drink a bottle of wine. By the end of the night I was happy and not much could change that. But when he’s not being a royal asshole, he’s not that bad. I think he just doesn’t know how to deal with a woman like me. A woman that won’t put up with his shit and won’t just jump in bed with him because his best friend is the hottest celebrity around. Justin’s not even that attractive.

 

I mean he’s not ugly, but…

 

“What was that?”

 

I cough and notice a very tanned, scantily clad brunette plopping down beside me. “Excuse me?” I ask.

 

She smiles behind her sunglasses and then unscrews a bottle of water and takes a sip. Maybe the girl has more sense than I give her credit for, drinking water instead of alcohol in the hot sun. “Flirting with Trace?”

 

Well, maybe she doesn’t have that much sense. “I highly doubt that. He’s annoying.”

 

She’s quiet for a moment and I remain lying back against the lounger. She just stares at me. I would ask her what’s the matter, but if its one thing I’ve learned about her in the past few weeks, when Meredith is staring, she’s thinking about something and its best just to let her do her thing. “I didn’t know you smoked. I mean I thought so, but I’ve never seen you do it.”

 

I laugh and flick off some of the ash into the tray Trace left. “Well, you caught me.” I start to cough a bit and know I shouldn’t be doing this. I reach for my tea but come in contact with the glass of champagne first.

 

“Isn’t it good?” She says as I touch the glass.

 

“I haven’t tried it yet.” I bypass the flute and go to my iced tea. I put a piece of aluminum over the top of the cup so that the ice wouldn’t melt and it’s worked pretty well. I was just surprised they had aluminum foil on this boat. It’s stocked like a regular house and I’m waiting for Meredith to squeal about how much she wants to live here yet.

 

“Do you like fish? ‘Cause Justin was thinking about grilling out tonight, maybe some shrimp and some type of fish. I don’t remember what kind he said.”

 

I nod and figure I won’t tell her I’m not the biggest seafood fan. I finally cross that barrier in my mind and tell myself to put down the cigarette and stub it out. I do, but take a big swallow from the champagne in response. She’s right. It is good. “Yeah that’s fine. Did you have fun?”

 

“It was so pretty underwater.” She finally moves to lean down against the lounger that Trace was in and stretches her arms above her head. “I wish you had come with us. You need to be more apart of the group.”

 

“The group?”

 

“Yeah the four of us. I feel like you wanna be left out. And we want to include you. I hope you don’t feel like I’m trying to leave you out. ‘Cause if I am, I really don’t mean to.”

 

I take in a breath. I know she’s been trying to include me. So yeah, she gets wrapped up in Justin every now and then, but I can say that she hasn’t ignored me. Not like in New York. In fact, she all but begged me before to get in the water with them. She almost convinced me but then when they started talking about sharks she was distracted and I was given a reason not to go in. “I just needed some alone relaxation and I’m not a big water fan. I can get seasick easily.”

 

Her mouth drops a little bit and she sits up. “Why didn’t you tell me? We could have just hung at the beach all day.”

 

“Meredith, stop it. It’s fine. I’m having fun.”

 

“Ok…” I know she’s not convinced, but the truth is I am having fun. I mean, I’m relaxed and my book is good and the tea is good and everything’s great. Just perfect. I hear her sigh and see her sitting up again and staring off behind us somewhere. She starts to smile a little bit when I hear Justin’s deep, distinctive laugh. I turn to look and he’s just by the railing looking out over the ocean with Layden, and taking long sips from his bottle of beer. She continues to stare at him and I just go back to my book, letting her do her thing. But before I can start reading again I hear, “Court, I think I’m in love.” I just look at her. “Like seriously.”

 

“I know.” I clear my throat and take another sip from that champagne flute, even though I know I shouldn’t. “You’re being careful, right?”

 

“We haven’t had sex, yet. I told you that the other night.”

 

“I know, but…” I sigh. I don’t want to have this conversation with her. I don’t want to make her mad. But, to me it just seems like she’s going into this so blindly. Does she not even remember the scream fest she had the other day, the crying? She was hysterical. And I know she can be dramatic, but this was different. She was seriously wounded by whatever it was he did or said to her. I just don’t understand why she took him back so easily. As far as I can see, he’s not as great as everyone else makes him out to be. “He fucked up, Mere. He really hurt you. If he does it again, I’m not gonna just be passive and let him come back in and win you back that easily.”

 

“Court…” She groans and looks at me. “I know what I’m doing. He was high and he wasn’t thinking and he’s really sorry. I know I sound like some pathetic girl right now, but I really believe him. I trust him. That, that thirty minutes that he went nuts and turned into a person I didn’t know, that was the only time I’ve seen him like that and well, just.” She shakes her head and says quickly, “I know what I’m doing, ok?”

 

That kind of makes me feel like she has no idea what she’s doing. “Please be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt in the middle of all your album stuff. It’s gonna be stressful enough as it is.”

 

“I know…” She nods and I notice now she’s still staring off into the distance. A small, giddy smile forms on her face and she bites her lip. I look back to see what’s so wonderful. He’s just standing there alone, his arms over the railing, his body bent a little as he looks out over the water by himself. I don’t know what’s got her so happy. “I need to ask you a favor.”

 

I’m almost afraid of what this is going to be. “What?”

 

“Well, so I told you we haven’t, ya know…yet.” How mature is that? She can’t even say the word ‘sex’ to me. “But we probably will soon, and I use to be on birth control but I stopped like three years ago when I broke up with Rex and I need to get an appointment with my gyno and I was hoping you could call for an appointment next week. I had planned to do it with him this week, but then all that crap happened and I realized that I need to be careful with this and I don’t like condoms so…”

 

I laugh. Man, she really does ramble. “I don’t need to know any more,” I say. What she does with him is definitely her business. And it’s not that I want to know all the details of her sex life. Maybe she assumes I do and that’s why she’s telling me all this. I am glad she’s thinking this through, though. The last thing we need is a little Timberbaby running around. And she doesn’t seem like the type of person that could handle the idea of an abortion. “Of course I can,” I say after a minute. “Just please be careful, Meredith. Not just about this sex stuff. Don’t just assume that ‘cause he told you some wonderful things and promised you he’d never do it again that he’s not going to hurt you. He’s still a guy and guys fuck up.”

 

“So do girls, Courtney. I fuck up all the time.” She laughs, but then stops and I notice now that she’s just staring at me, staring at me very, very hard. Oh no, what’s she thinking now? “Why are you such a man-hater?”

 

“I’m not.” I shrug, and pretend to read my book. I don’t hate men. I just don’t trust any of them.

 

“Yes you are…” She leans forward and touches my shoulder. “You were hurt bad, weren’t you?”

 

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I almost shrug her off and get up and walk away. I don’t want to have this conversation and I pray, pray for a distraction. Where is Trace? It doesn’t take that long to pee.

 

“Mere…” I sigh and thank Justin silently in my head. “Come here…”

 

She stands up, adjusts her suit and then she bends down and grits out to me, “You better dish later.”

 

I watch her walk away and towards him. He has a huge beach towel around him and opens it up and she willingly hugs him and he wraps the towel around her. They kiss, a lot and I try not to stare but I can’t help it. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve experienced that, since I’ve had that look that’s on her face. I have to wonder if I was ever that giddy and girly with a man, if I ever let my guard down that much. Maybe that’s what ruined my last relationship. Maybe I didn’t let it down enough.

 

Or maybe I let it down too much.

 

There’s a lounge chair over by the railing and she squirms out of his hold and pulls on his hand to the chair. He immediately lays the towel on the lounger and plops down, stretching. She curls up beside him and I notice now how tiny she is compared to him. I pull on my top a bit and readjust my sarong. I really hope there’s no boats around here with paparazzi on them, ‘cause they are being more than affection. His hand is all over her back, traveling down a bit to barely touch her ass. She just holds on to him and lays her head down.

 

His kisses the top of her head and runs his fingers through her hair that’s still damp.

 

This is sick. And I don’t want to watch any more.

 

But even when I feel a presence lay down beside me, I can’t take my eyes away from them. I know it’s Trace, I can hear him clear his throat. But I don’t look away. “I know he’s your friend and all, but I can not believe she took him back that easily, that quickly.”

 

He just laughs. “Well, he was really sorry, Courtney. I told you she would.”

 

I look over at him and he’s nursing a beer. “But by the way she acted that day it was like he ripped her heart out.”

 

“Maybe he gave it back…gently.”

 

I laugh. He’s so ridiculous. “Oh shut up.”

 

He leans closer to me and says in a lower voice. “Maybe she’s just not closed off, Courtney. Maybe she’s willing to take that chance, to maybe get hurt, but maybe she thinks it’s worth it if she falls in love.”

 

I sigh and shake my head and stare at them. I think they’re both going to sleep, or nodding off in that direction. She hasn’t moved and he has one hand on her arm and the other on her back. “I think she already is, or at least she thinks she is.”

 

“So’s he. Though I’m sure he’s gonna have a harder time admitting it than her. Justin falls hard, Court, but he doesn’t do it easily. Ever since well…” He pauses and shakes his head. “He’s had enough hurt in his love life to make him very cautious. Maybe not as cautious as you…”

 

I cut my eyes from them to him. “Excuse me?”

 

“I didn’t say a thing.” He laughs and leans back completely in his chair.

 

“Oh my god, what?” I notice him looking me over. He’s still not wearing sunglasses but came back with a horrible looking straw hat. It looks like one of those golfing hats my dad use to wear.

 

“Nothing, you’re just...” His eyes pause at my legs and then darts his eyes back up at me. “…cute today.”

 

“Cute?” I can’t help but laugh. I laugh loud and hard and take a swallow from my champagne. “Hilarious.”

 

“Look, forget it.”

 

“I’d appreciate it if you’d stop coming on to me.”

 

I glance at him and he rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. I notice his tattoos. I’ve seen the one on his neck before, but now that he’s shirtless I can really see the ones on his arms much better. What is it with these boys and their tattoos? Justin’s got ones all over his legs, which I don’t understand and I think that one on his back is just cheesy. And all of Trace’s scream redneck pride. Meredith has one. I found that out today when she would bend or squat down. It’s right on the lowest part of her back, to the right a bit. But hers is classy. It’s a small music note. The one that’s staring me in the face now is the Jack Daniels thing that’s on his arm. I’d never get a tattoo.

 

“Right…you wish Courtney.”

 

He’s got an attitude and seems upset. I don’t know what his deal is. Just a second ago he seemed fine. He can always annoy me, but whenever I do it with him he gets pissed off. He really needs to gain some backbone or something. “Why are you getting mad?”

 

“You were the one that got drunk the other night and started playing footsies with me.”

 

I laugh. “Footsies? Come on now Trace…”

 

At first I think he’s just playing around. But then I look over I see he’s still got his arms crossed and is starting out straight in front of him and is gritting his teeth. Why the hell is he so mad with me? “And you kept pulling your top down and squeezing your boobs together.” He cuts his eyes to me and stares. “Don’t pretend that you weren’t ‘cause I use to be engaged, Courtney. I know how women work.”

 

I stare at him for a moment. I can’t believe that. Not the boob thing, I don’t remember doing that. But, did he just say engaged? “What?”

 

“What?” He shrugs.

 

“You were engaged?” How the hell did that happen? He seems like the least likely person to be engaged, ever. I imagined him being 60 and like Hugh Hephner. I don’t know why women would be attracted to him, but I can picture him with a bunch of blondes on his arm and a Jack Daniels in the other hand and him just living the life of a bachelor forever. He’s got to be joking. He was engaged?

 

Well was…maybe that’s why he’s not married. He’s still too much in single mode.

 

“The shocker of the century, I know.” He shakes his head and pushes himself up off his chair. “Ya know what? Forget it. Enjoy your little romance novel.” I just sit there with my mouth open a little bit as he grabs his beer and goes over by Justin. They slap hands and talk for a moment and then Trace disappears into the cabin of the yacht. For a moment I think of following him, but then I decide against it.

 

I can’t help it if I never saw him as a one-woman type of a guy, or a person that would settle down. He seems to just care about partying and having a good time and not worrying about any one else. Maybe I’m wrong about him. Or maybe not, maybe I’m right and he’s just pissed ‘cause he fucked up a good relationship he had. For some reason I don’t think that’s the truth and I think a part of me that wanted to see him as one way is finding out he’s different than that. Like when we went out to eat, I assumed he was getting me drunk so he could take advantage of me. And I did get drunk, I don’t know what possessed me to keep drinking the wine, but I did. But he didn’t lay a hand on me, just held my arm as we walked to the car and drove me home. Then Teddy rode with him back to get the car I drove.

 

He was a gentleman that night and I think the more and more I get to know him the more of the uncaring party guy is fading away and the more of an interesting individual is coming through. And that’s…well that could be a bad thing.

 

Whatever it is, I’m over trying to figure him out. It’s not worth the brain cells to even think about this kind of thing. He’s just a strange little man. Funny at times, entertaining at times, but that’s it. And that’s all he’ll ever be.

 

Off of Valleyview Road, 11:35 a.m.

 

I've been helping her all morning. Apparently she's had this house for about two or three months now, but only recently has had the time to actually set it up the way she wants. It's not huge, but nice. Has a great back yard and pool and a nice view. I'm amazed how disorganized it is, though. My house was set up by my mom mainly so I didn't have to worry about decisions of where things went. Meredith wants to do it all on her own. It’s her first house on her own, that she bought herself. She seems very proud of it and she should be.

 

She assumed this morning that I was an electronics wizard, which I'm not, but I managed to get her entertainment center set up for her. When Trace comes by later I'll have him make sure it's working right. We also moved her piano this morning, not very far, just centered it in the room she wanted. It was so cute how she got all pissed off at me when after we were done moving it, I sat down and started to play. She kept going, “Justin come on, we have more to do!” Then she stomped her foot when I just played and sang to her, “Justin, come on…we have more to do…stomp your little feet and you might go through…the floor…”

 

I got smacked in the shoulder but her smacks never hurt. It’s kind of worth it just to see her get that little pissed off look on her face. I’ve come to realize over the past few weeks that everything she does amazes me. Every action, expression, word, is cute or beautiful or intriguing. Like now, how she’s barely holding up her weight on the end of this couch, but she’s biting her lip like it’s paining her so much.

 

It’s not even that heavy of a couch. She did the same thing when we went snorkeling. After a while she said she was tired and made me carry her around on my back while I swam. She’s tiny so it didn’t really weigh me down much and later that night she told me she really wasn’t tired she just wanted to hold onto me. She says things like that a lot, little sweet things that tell me she really really cares about me.

 

And I don’t understand why.

 

When I came to her beach house I expected to get slapped. All I was hoping for was to see her, to talk to her and tell her how sorry I was. But as soon as I opened that door and saw her laying in the bed staring at me I couldn’t help myself, and I needed and wanted and hoped for so much more. And she gave it. I never expected her to take me back that easily.

 

But I’m glad she did. I’ve really realized over the past week or two how much this girl is starting to mean to me. What started out as a simple little crush, an attraction, has come into this new thing. I wouldn’t call it love, I don’t know her that well yet, but the more and more I find out about her the more I find the possibility of love easier and easier. And it takes a while for me to get to that point where I can just fall. At least, normally it does.

 

Our time in Miami was wonderful, after we made up and went to the Keys for a day, we spent our time just relaxing. We talked about the months ahead, what she was doing, what I was doing, tried to plan times to meet up and both decided that the next few weeks were going to be insanely important for us. We agreed to spend every bit of time together, as much as possible. But what’s been so amazing about that was how the first night we came back to LA, I told her I was gonna go home and rest up and she didn’t seem upset. She nodded and said she couldn’t wait to get to her own home and sleep. When we decided to hang out as much as possible in the coming weeks I was a little afraid that she assumed that meant every moment. I’ve had girls cling to me and want to be around me 24/7 and while I don’t mind that most of the time, there are those moments when I need my space. And I think she understands that.

 

In fact, she’s only stayed with me one night since we’ve been back in LA and I haven’t stayed with her yet. She says I’m not allowed to stay with her until her house is completely in order. With the rate we’re going we might have it done by tonight. I hope so, I’d like to stay the night with her again. It’s nice sleeping with her, she’s warm but not too hot and she always fits perfectly against me. And she’ll snuggle or whatever but not too much, and when its time to really go to sleep she curls up on her own side and lets me sprawl out. I know she doesn’t realize she’s doing it, but I can’t stand when someone clings to me all night long and she doesn’t do that. And it’s also a plus that she didn’t mind me letting the dogs sleep in my bedroom. In fact she paid more attention to them than me or my house when I first showed it to her.

 

She’s also adorable in the mornings, grumpier than I am and likes to hang around in bed nodding on and off as much as I do.

 

And she’s agreed to go home with me in a couple of weeks. My momma’s excited to meet her, and, well, I’m really excited too. It’s been a while since I brought a girl home and I think me and Trace have talked her up enough that there’s no way they aren’t going to get along. I’m glad Trace has been so supportive of this. I know it hurts him, I know he’s still getting over Elisha, but I also know that in time he’s gonna find himself a sweet little country girl just like I did.

 

And we’ll both be happy boys again, just like in the old days, but without all the high school type drama.

 

“Here?” I look up at her and she huffs.

 

“Yes, just put it down. It’s heavy.” I wait for her to put her end down before gently lowering it to the floor. When I stand up she’s leaning against the couch and pouting.

 

“What’s wrong?” I smile at her.

 

“I forgot to put those little scratchy things on the bottom.”

 

She turns and walks back further into the house towards the kitchen. “The what?”

 

“The little things that keep the legs from scratching the hard wood, momma told me I needed to make sure I put them on. Where did Courtney put that bag?”

 

I go to sit down on one of the chairs there for a moment and use the front of my tank to wipe off my face a little bit. We have the air condition on full blast, but it’s hot as hell outside and she’s had me doing some pretty heavy lifting all morning. “Hey, do you know what we’re doing for lunch yet? I’m starving.”

 

She comes back with an arm full of cushions and I stand up and help her get them all set up on the couch. “I have some oranges in the kitchen.”

 

“Girl you need to go to the grocery store, no wonder you’re so skinny.” We both sit down and I immediately start pinching her sides. She slaps my hand and passes me a look.

 

She puts her feet up on the table after a minute and then leans against me. “I think Court is gonna bring me by some food in an hour or so, I can call her and have her pick you up some, too.”

 

I put my arm around her and relax completely. It feels good to just chill out for a moment. “No, it’s cool. Trace is coming by in a little bit too and he’s supposed to be bringing me something.”

 

“Ohhh…” She giggles and looks up at me and pulls away and pushes herself against the opposite end of the couch. Her shoes go in my lap. “I see.”

 

“What?”

 

“I bet they’ll come here together.” She grins. “I think they’re dating.”

 

“They’re not.”

 

“They went out to eat and kept flirting and then fighting in Miami.”

 

“Trace is just teasing the hell out of her. He would never go for a girl like that.”

 

She shrugs and smiles at me. “What’s wrong with her?”

 

I stretch my arms. What’s not wrong with that girl? She’s totally opposite from everything that’s Meredith and I like everything that’s Meredith, a lot. Courtney’s, she’s the type of girl I can’t stand. She’s like those office chicks at Jive, worse than those. “Too uptight for his taste. The more I get to know her, the less I like her. ”

 

Meredith reaches down and pulls off her shoes and then looks at me. “Am I uptight?”

 

I smile at her and lean forward and smack the side of her hip lightly. “You gotta tight ass…”

 

She pushes my head away from where I’m leaning over her. I’m only about a foot above her crotch. She looks really pretty right now and I think maybe we could use a break. “Silly…” She says and smiles at me. Her arm shoots out and reaches over to the coffee table to grab the stereo remote.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Making sure this works…” Shit, I hope it works. I hope it doesn’t explode or something when she turns it on. That’d be embarrassing. She gets it going and puts on the radio and turns it up rather loud. Thank God it’s working properly. I got the speakers up and it seems like they are doing surround sound pretty well. Score points for me! I’m not a total electronics idiot. I see that she wants to lay around for a while so I go ahead and kick off my shoes and smile at her. Laying around with Mere is always the fuckin’ best.

 

She grins at me, but the look in her eyes is a strange one and she pats her chest and says in a quiet tone, “Lay down…”

 

I do what she asks and I lay my body gently down on hers and lay my head in between her breasts. I stare at one of them and notice that her nipples are hard. Now I know damn well she’s not cold. I can feel that she’s a little damp with sweat. She still smells good though. Her hand is running over my head and down my neck and I feel her hands grab my shoulders and try to pull me up. I lift up and look at her.

 

Yeah, I’ve seen those eyes before and I know what they mean. But these eyes are stronger than I’ve ever seen from her. Her eye lids are lazy and she’s got this smile, this sexy small smile. I feel her hands move down over my chest and to the waist of my shirt. Her hands are soon on my skin, fingertips against my stomach. She’s licking her lips and I take in a huge breath as I hold my body off hers. Contact right now would be….dangerous. “What are you doing…”

 

Her hands tug on my shirt and she whispers, “Kiss me.” She’s lifting herself up to meet me, like she’s fucking craving me to kiss her and touch her. We haven’t really made out that much since we’ve been back in LA, not by choice, we’ve just been hanging out and working on things together more than being able to relax. Well I take that back. Of course we’ve fucking made out, but just like a kiss that turns into a little heavier or something. This….the way she’s looking at me now, this is serious.

 

She wants something from me.

 

I take a breath, unable to really control myself completely and lean down to touch her lips with mine. She fucking attacks. And I can’t say I don’t like it. In fact, I like it a lot. She spreads her legs and lets me settle my weight down on her and kisses me like I don’t know, like I taste like chocolate or something. I know I don’t, but damn, that makes me think maybe I should bake her some cookies or brownies and we can, I don’t know…play.

 

I feel her hands on my bare back, gripping my sides and pulling something up. I pull away and she starts to kiss my neck. Shit, this girl can’t suck on my neck. I don’t care about hickies but that just…that’s gonna get me going to a place I can’t back down from. Fuckin’ commercial on the radio with that Gilbert Godfrey guy’s annoying ass voice and here I am getting a fucking hard on the size of Montana with my girl sucking on my neck and taking off my clothes.

 

Shit, she’s trying to take off my clothes. I pull back. “Mere…”

 

“Take it off.” She whispers, biting her lip at me. The shirt’s bundled up under my arms and she runs her hands over my chest, looking down at my torso and then back at my face. She smiles.

 

It’s a smile I’ve seen before. But never from her. I’ve seen girls under me, half clothed, breathing hard, giving me that smile, that smile that means, “get naked and fuck me…now.” This girl can’t be serious. I thought she had some standard, some waiting period or something.

 

“I thought…”

 

She latches her hands around my neck, shakes her hand and pulls me down so I’m laying on her again. “I’m not ready yet. I mean, wait. I take that back. I am ready. I’m ready as hell to have…” She takes in a breath and blushes slightly when she says, “have sex with you, but I can’t until I go to the gyno and get back on birth control. My appointment is tomorrow.”

 

I smile at her. That really makes me happy, to know that in just a few days I’ll be able to have her. It’s not all I want from her, and I’m willing to wait, but being unable to control my thoughts about her and the hard-ons that usually follow with this girl has been a hassle. Plus, it’s gonna be great when we do it. Not just because she’s hot or because I’ve been horney but because it’ll really mean something for us. I think it’ll really take us to a place where, where nothing can touch us. I wanna be connected with her like that.

 

“You’re ready?” I ask and touch her face.

 

Her voice is a husky whisper, “I want you so bad.” Shit, shit, fucking shit the way she said that is hot enough to make me come. I bury my head against her neck. I can’t even look at her any more, that look she’s giving me is just too much. “I wanted you in Miami. I planned to do it with you in Miami.”

 

“Planned?”

 

“I bought lingerie and silk sheets and candles and all this stuff, but then you were mean…”

 

I pull back away from her. Shit, now I’ve gone and made her think about that. She might have forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself yet. I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself for the way I treated her, and the more I find out about all her plans and what she wanted to do with me, the more I feel like the biggest asshole.

 

I don’t deserve her, but I sure as hell am gonna cherish her. “Girl, I…”

 

She covers my mouth with her fingers and smiles at me. “Shh, it’s ok. It’s better this way. I don’t wanna do this until I’m gonna be safe.”

 

I suck in a breath. I don’t wanna be an ass about all this, but if she’s ready and she wants to, and clearly, the way she has her legs wrapped around me and the way she’s pushing her lap into my crotch…she wants to. I mean, I’m not too much of a pussy to go to the store and get something. I lick my lips and look at her. “I can go get some condoms.”

 

She shakes her head and moves her hands to my shoulders and helps me pull off my shirt. Her hands go to my chest and it feels so fucking good to be touched like this. Sure she touched me when we were in Miami and I was just in my shorts at the beach or when I was asleep with just my boxers, but this is different. This is enough to turn me on beyond belief. She kisses me for a moment and then whispers close to my lips. “I wanna feel you when we have sex Justin, not some fake thing. I don’t want there to be anything holding us back. I wanna feel you inside me…”

 

“Shit girl, you can’t say stuff like that.” I pull her body hard against mine. I need to feel this girl too and to hear her say that she really wants me inside of her…oh, fucking shit. Dammit, I’m gonna have to go home and jack off. I just know it.

 

“Well, you know until we can really have sex…” I sigh and kiss her neck as she whispers into my ear, “There are other things we can do…”

 

I suck in a breath and push my dick into her. She moans a little underneath me and it makes me get chills to know that she likes that. Maybe, maybe I’m not gonna have to go home and jack off. “Like?”

 

Her hand is at my hip and I can feel her trying to move it in between us. I pull back a bit and look in her eyes and she smiles at me. “Let me touch you…”

 

That’s…that’s too much. I don’t want her feeling like she has to, like she has to get me off to appease me for waiting to have sex with her. “Meredith…” I shake my head and try to pull away.

 

She pulls me back down against her. “Justin, I want to. Don’t even think about trying to talk me out of this ‘cause I know you want it, too.” I just stare at her and then I feel it. She bites her lip and gets a shy look in her eye as I feel her grab me through my shorts. Damn…damn, damn, damn. I haven’t felt that in such a long time.

 

And it’s weird cause like, ok, a couple months ago I was fucking this girl named Jocelyn and she was really pretty and all and had a dirty mouth, but she was always so rushed when she did things, like sexual things. A lot of times it seemed like all she wanted was sex. She didn’t really care about the fooling around part. And sometimes that’s better than the actual thing.

 

Ok, nothing’s better than actually being inside of a woman, but working on getting inside can be a hell of an adventure.

 

She’s touching me slow, trying to get a grip around me through the shorts. I sigh and tell her to stop for a second. She does and I pull off some of the cushions that we put on the couch so that I can lay down beside her better and have more room. She turns up on her side facing me and I put an arm around her and put the other behind my head. I feel her hand, small and soft run over my torso and then down and down.

 

This time she doesn’t fool around with the material of my shorts and goes under the elastic of my boxers to actually touch me. I suck in a breath and feel myself go rigid.

 

“I’ve been craving this for so long…”

 

She kisses my neck and strokes me. God, this is fucking insane. I almost forgot how good this felt. “Remember our last night in Miami, when we were making out on the back porch?” She whispers in my ear and moves her leg over mine a bit. I spread my legs and push my thigh against her crotch, hard.

 

I laugh and turn to kiss her for a second, “You mean when I was dry humping you and sucking on your neck?”

 

She blushes and bites her lip. “Yes…”

 

“How in the hell are you going to be shy with me right now when just a second ago you were talking about touching me. And now, now you’re fucking…” I gasp as she squeezes me hard and runs her thumb over the head. She’s stroking so slow, so God damn slow.

 

“But I didn’t say, ‘I wanna rub on your dick,’ did I? No, I was polite.”

 

I chuckle and kiss her again. “You sayin’ I ain’t polite?”

 

“Sometimes you’re a little too crude.” I turn on my side hoping she’ll stop jacking me off, ‘cause honestly, I wanna come, but not in my shorts.

 

“I think it gets you hot.” I smile at her and she rolls her eyes.

 

“Yeah, right.”

 

She doesn’t stop touching me so I reach up with a hand and cup her breast. “Then why are your nipples hard?”

 

“Justin!” She pulls her hand away from me to smack me and I just touch her more, squeezing her and running my thumb over her nipple.

 

“Excuse me…” I laugh and kiss her and get her so she’s on her back. “Madam, why are your breasts excited and pushing out so erotically against your cotton tee shirt?”

 

“Shut up…” She growls and pouts a little bit. And I do what she asks. I shut up and I kiss her. Her hands grab at me and her legs wrap around me and I start moving my hips to get a little friction in between us. She can feel how hard I am and I think it’s making her want me. She’s moaning and sighing just a little bit, real quiet like.

 

It’s so hot just to lay on her and do this. I keep wondering what she looks like naked. When we were in Miami I kept picturing her without that little bathing suit of hers. And she has that little tattoo on the back of her hips, right above her ass. That’s so fucking hot. I wanted to ask her to take a shower with me or a bath when we were down there, but I was too chicken ‘cause I was trying not to push too much with her since I was still trying to work myself out of the asshole ditch.

 

My hand goes up under her shirt and she doesn’t protest when I pull up her tee shirt to find a little thin, pink bra underneath. God her breasts look so good right now. I sigh and she laughs at me but I don’t care. I lean down and kiss her to shut her up. I start moving against her again. I guess we probably look stupid, me all dry humping her on her couch with us all half clothed. But I don’t care. It feels damn good.

 

“I can’t wait ‘til we can really do this…” I press myself into her and hold it there. “It’s been almost four months.”

 

She sighs and rubs her hands over my shoulders. “Try three years, big boy.”

 

“Three?” Poor girl. I hope I can treat her right when the time comes. She deserves to get laid good. Ok, that probably sounds bad. What I mean is, she deserves to have someone make her feel that good, to please her that well. “Damn, I better perform then.”

 

She laughs and my muscles relax a little. Her laughter does that to me. “I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like.”

 

“Really?”

 

“No,” She laughs some more and kisses me briefly. “It just makes me not realize I’m craving it that much when I say it.”

 

I move down and kiss her breasts a little bit, the part that’s sticking out the top of the bra. I move to the fabric part and gently bite down on her there. She squirms and I take my hand, find hers and put it back in between us. She quickly finds my hard on again and I look up at her and press my lips in the middle of her chest. “Don’t stop…”

 

She holds me through my shorts again and I want her to really touch me again, without clothing in the way. But I’m not gonna force her hand down my pants. She doesn’t do what I ask. She stops and pulls her hand away and moves to sit up. I look at her with wide eyes. Did I do something wrong? Dear God, don’t tell me I fucked something up again.

 

“What is it?” I quickly ask and pull back so that I’m sitting back on my knees.

 

She smiles and sits up like me. She moves her hand to touch my face and kisses me slowly. “I wanna see you…” She grabs me through my shorts and then moves her hand up over my body and back up to my shoulder and pulls me into a deep kiss. “Let’s go to my bedroom and get out of these nasty clothes…”

 

She’s smiling at me and damn, do I want to. God, I wanna go back and get naked with her. Maybe I can ask her to take that shower, now. But dammit, I don’t know if I can control myself. I look down and I’m sticking out pretty far in my shorts. I really gotta start wearing something sturdier than basketball shorts when I’m around this chick.

 

I mean, what if she starts wanting it and I don’t have condoms and she’s not on birth control and…and I wanna say that I’d be a man and be able to stop myself. But sometimes when I’m around her my head gets all clouded and I get irrational. And I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself. “Mere, I don’t know…”

 

“I can control myself.” She says, reading my mind.

 

I pull away from her and she’s biting her lip and looks excited like we’re at the fucking ice cream shop and she’s five years old. Damn, she’s gonna devour me? I laugh at her and reach behind her to pull her into a hug, us still on our knees, my hands on her ass. “Really?”

 

“When I’m sober yes…” She smiles at me, this little devilish smile. She takes off her top and throws it over the back of the couch before reaching down and pushing her hand down into my shorts. She grabs me again, bites her lip and leans back and pulls me down on top of her. This is too much for me.

 

“Mere…I can’t, I can’t control it.” God she’s touching me fast and hard, it’s like she wants to get me off right here. And she’s kissing me, not letting me talk. I pull away and she pulls on my neck so that her lips can suck me there. “I can’t. Not with you…not with you doing that…”

 

She doesn’t care. I really think this girl doesn’t care and hell. I don’t either. I kiss her so hard, thrusting my tongue in her mouth. I decide if she’s gonna play this game then I’m gonna play along. I pull away and grin at her. “Can you control it, if I do it to you…”

 

A small little shocked look comes over her face and she arches her back just a bit and grips my dick real hard when I cup her through her shorts and press my palm right over her spot. I wanna make this girl feel good ‘cause she’s done way too much for me from the start.

 

“Where the fuck are you two at?”

 

“You might want to turn down…” I gasp, her eyes pop open and before we have time to move I’m looking towards the hallway and so is she and there are two other people looking back at us. That Courtney girl’s mouth is dropped and she’s just staring at us and Trace is too, but I see laughter forming in his face.

 

“Oh…”

 

Shit Justin…MOVE.

 

“Fuck…” I back up off her and she curls into the back of the couch.

 

“We’ll be in the kitchen.” I hear Trace say quickly and watch as he pulls on Courtney’s arm. I don’t say anything until they disappear.

 

Hell, I can’t even think before they disappear. I take a few breaths, trying to stop my heart from beating this fast. All the blood that was rushing to my crotch seems to be pumping back up in my ears now. I sigh. And then I start to wonder: how the hell did they get in? And how did we not hear them? The radio wasn’t that loud. Shit, don’t tell me she doesn’t lock her doors. It could have been anyone, a crazy fan, a stalker, paparazzi.

 

I take a breath, sit up normal on the couch, and lean forward a bit putting my head in my hands. “Shit, Mere did you not lock your door? You need to be safer!”

 

“No, I did. Courtney has a code.”

 

I look at her in shock as she puts her shirt back on. “You gave her the code!”

 

She just stares at me for a moment. Does she not realize what could happen? “Yeah, she knows the access code too…” I stare at her. I can’t believe this. “Why’s it so bad?”

 

“You trust her that easily already?”

 

“She hasn’t given me a reason not to.” She shrugs.

 

I honestly can’t believe she’s saying this to me. From the girl who cried to me that night months ago, cried her fucking eyes out until I had to finally calm her down, hug her and let her take a nap on the couch in the studio because she was so upset over what Leah did, to this, someone who’s willing and ready to trust the next assistant that walks in the door. She’s only known this Courtney bitch for like two weeks or so. She knew Leah for almost two years and that girl still fucked her over.

 

If she’s not careful she’s gonna get hurt again. I told her she was gonna have to be careful about who she lets in. I told her that was one of the biggest down falls of being famous, not being able to trust many people. I thought she got it. I thought she understood.

 

“Well I don’t trust her, and I don’t think she should have the security code to your house. You’ve known me longer than her and I don’t know the code.”

 

“Come on Justin, she’s my personal assistant. If you want a damn code, I’ll fucking tell you. But don’t be mad at me. Doesn’t Trace know every code and have every key to your place?”

 

That’s completely different and it’s lame for her to even try to compare them. “Of course he does, but Trace lives with me and I’ve known him for forever and this is entirely different. Who says she couldn’t have had a camera right now and plastered the fact that you were giving me a hand job on the six o’clock news.”

 

She takes in a breath and hands me my shirt. She won’t look at me, but she whispers, “She’s not Leah.”

 

“Right, and you didn’t think Leah would take pictures of you and Megan’s drunken party one night.”

 

She shakes her head, stands up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Shut up Justin.” Shit, I’m doing it again.

 

I get up, holding my shirt in one hand and grabbing her arm in the other. She looks at me. She looks upset and I hate it. I hate seeing her like this. “Look at me. I’m right, aren’t I?”

 

She takes a breath and I see her start to break and I pull her into me. She holds me tight and says quietly into my shoulder. “It can’t happen twice, right?”

 

“It’s not supposed to happen once, Meredith. What she did to you isn’t supposed to happen at all. People aren’t supposed to be that greedy and fucked up, but they are. And I hate to be cynical but there’s more people out there like that than you know.” I sigh and run my hand over her hair and she hooks her arms under me and holds onto my shoulders. “You’re not being careful enough and I don’t mean to be an ass, but now it’s not just your reputation on the line, it’s mine, too. I mean, we haven’t even talked about what were gonna do with the press. It’s not like we can keep it a secret that we’re together...” I pull back a little and move my arms from around her and hold her face in my hands. “But I don’t want to talk about us to them. I want us to be private and I want to keep you, this, us to ourselves as much as possible. It’s no one else’s business really.”

 

She sighs, “But in our work it doesn’t happen that way…”

 

“We can try, please Mere. Just, be more careful. I’ll call up Johnny and we’ll all have a meeting sometime soon and we’ll talk about what we’re gonna do as far as questions in interviews about each other. They’re gonna come up and we need to be on the same page about them. I mean, hell girl, we worked together on our albums and…”

 

“I know, ok?” She huffs and pulls away from me, almost like she doesn’t want to have this conversation. But we have to have it. There’s no getting around it. “Let’s just go in there and talk to them.”

 

I don’t let her get away from me that easy and I look her dead on. “I don’t trust her, Mere.”

 

She nods. “I’ll be more careful, I promise.” She turns to walk away from me but shit, I don’t wanna end this conversation on a bad note. We were just having so much fun and, and then we were interrupted and I just want to make sure that our mood and our day together hasn’t been ruined. I tug on her arm and come up behind her, close.

 

“What?” She seems upset. I smile at her and run my hand up her arm to her neck.

 

“Can we finish later?”

 

She tries to keep a frown, but it doesn’t work and I lean in and kiss her cheek. “Maybe…” She says. I kiss her on the mouth briefly. She smiles. “If you are nice….”

 

I laugh and kiss her cheek again, hug her and whisper, “Oh I’ll be really nice.” She laughs and pushes me away and starts to walk into the kitchen. I follow her and put on my shirt.

 

When we get into the kitchen Trace is smiling at me. What a cock. That girl is just standing there, trying to look busy with unloading the bags of take out they have. I hope to God, for Mere’s sake, and mine, that she’s cool. But I don’t trust her and I don’t like her. And Meredith can’t expect me to just be ok with her knowing all of our business. “Sorry about that…” Mere says and I run my hand over her back before going to the fridge and pulling out a can of Diet Coke and handing it to her. I grab one for myself.

 

“I’m use to it.” Trace shrugs.

 

“What? Justin and hand jobs?”

 

I laugh. I can’t believe she just really said that shit. I pinch her side for a moment. “And you call me crude…” She laughs at me and smacks my hand away. She’s such a silly girl. I wrap my arms around her and blow on her neck and tickle her sides. She squeals and Trace and I laugh at her.

 

I look up and see that girl just staring at us. I hold Mere tighter and sway with her for a moment. “You alright there, Courtney?” I ask, staring her down.

 

She lifts her head but doesn’t look me in the eye. “Fine. We brought you guys lunch.”

 

“We?” Meredith asks and I know in her voice she’s insinuating that they’re dating. I know she thinks they are but, that’s just not right. Trace wouldn’t like a girl like her. I mean yeah, I kind of forced him on her in New York, but that was just ‘cause I wanted some time with my girl. If he starts liking her or dating her I’m gonna have to have a talk to him. ‘Cause that means Elisha fucked with his head more than I realize.

 

“Yes, but we made sure to have wild kinky sloppy sex in the backseat before we came in.”

 

Meredith laughs, but I don’t really. Why is he making jokes about that? Courtney just stares him down. “I could sue you for sexual harassment.”

 

“Anyway,” Trace rolls his eyes. Good, make sure she doesn’t think you like her. “So Courtney and I have news…”

 

“News?”

 

“Both your cell phones were turned off I assume. Angie and Justin’s manager were trying to contact you guys this morning.”

 

“For?” I ask.

 

She looks right at Meredith. “You’re shooting your video next week.”

 

Mere nods and I realize I’m still holding her. Damn, it feels good to hold her. “Yeah, for ‘Look Your Way’…”

 

I laugh a little. That’s our song. That’s our hot ass jam that they’re gonna be releasing soon. I lean down and start singing the chorus against her ear, kissing her there.

 

“Hush…” She swats at me, but she was just dancing when I sang it. It’s such a hot little jam.

 

“They wanna know if you’ll make an appearance.”

 

I look up at Trace, “Me?” He nods.

 

Mere pulls away and looks up at me. Her eyes look so excited. “Oh please…” She covers her mouth and shakes her head. “I mean, you don’t have to. Wow. Sorry…” She laughs nervously and bites her lip at me. I guess it is kind of weird. I mean, that might be cool being in her video. We did work on it together. But that’s gonna lead to questions, more so than there already are. Hell, I shouldn’t care. “It might be awkward, but I mean, you are on the song, you did produce it and we wrote it together. Just a little cameo would be cool. You sittin’ in the club with fly honies all around.”

 

I laugh and nod at her. “That could be cool.”

 

She narrows her eyes. “You better not like the fly honies too much.”

 

I laugh some more. “Yeah, that’d be cool.” I shrug and wink at her. “As long as I can fit it into my tight schedule.”

 

She rolls her eyes. “Nerd.” Trace hands me a box of take out and I spend a few minutes trying to find a fork to eat with. I keep opening up drawers and finally I find one. Man, I’ll be ready when this place is organized, too. ‘Cause I’m gonna be spending a lot of time here and if I can’t find a damn fork then we are gonna have a problem.

 

“Oh, I got you those frames you wanted this morning. They’re in the car.” I look up and see that Courtney is talking to Meredith.

 

“Let’s go get them.” Mere whisks around and goes out the backdoor in the kitchen. Courtney sighs and follows her. I don’t know what her deal is. It’s like everything she does seems so tiring to her. Damn, get over it. You picked this job chick.

 

I shake my head.

 

“So…”

 

I look up and see Trace chomping on a burger and smirking at me. I stab my salad with the fork. “Bad timing, Ayala.”

 

“I’ll make an excuse and get us out if you need time to bone her.”

 

I laugh and take a bite. Then I pop open the can of soda. “I told you we aren’t boning, yet.”

 

“That’s a shame.”

 

It’s quiet for a moment and I stab at my salad some more and take a few more bites and try to look out the window in the kitchen to the driveway to see what Mere and Courtney are doing. I see them talking and when Courtney turns around I see Mere make a face behind her back. “You trust that chick?” I ask Trace, going back to my stabbing.

 

“Who, Court?”

 

“Court?” I ask. So now he’s calling her by her little nickname, too. Great. “Yeah, Courtney.”

 

He shrugs. “Don’t really see any reason not to.”

 

“She seems too uptight to me, too by the rules. Too preachy.”

 

I don’t look at him, but I feel him staring at me and finally, after about a minute, I look up. “She’s not gonna sell some shit, Justin.”

 

I put the fork down and ask, “How do you know that? We don’t know this girl.”

 

“Well I’ve hung out with her. She’s just got a high stress level. I think doing anything sneaky would make her head explode or something. Too dangerous of a deed for her.”

 

I shake my head. I guess if I trust anyone about reading people it’s Trace. He’s pretty good with being able to scope people out. I just hope his dick isn’t in the way this time. “If you sense something weird with her tell me, alright?”

 

“You know I will, but she’s cool man.”

 

I have to ask. “You’re not fucking her, are you?”

 

“No….” He pauses but won’t look at me. This is not a good sign. That means he wants to. “Of course not. And if I was it wouldn’t matter, right?”

 

I can hear the girls coming back from outside and I sigh and say, “I don’t trust her. That’s all I’m saying.” Mere comes back in and we all decide to sit at the table instead of standing around. I guess this girl isn’t too bad, but I still don’t like her and they can’t expect me to be trusting with her at the snap of a finger. It’s gonna take time.

 

And I swear, if any bad press comes out about Mere and I, I know who I’m interrogating first. I know that sounds harsh but Trace’s first impressions aren’t the only ones that I trust. I trust my own. My first impression of this chick was bad. I thought she was too uptight, too controlling, and too moody.

 

That opinion hasn’t changed much over the past few weeks. I don’t care if Trace is fucking her or if Mere and her do become best friends. That doesn’t mean I have to like her. I’ve never been the best at being a trustworthy kind of guy. People have let me down too much in my life to make me be able to put a lot of faith in them. Call it a fault, call it being over cautious but I don’t want shit coming out about me, and I won’t stand for someone hurting my girl, not again.

 

It never should of happened to her in the first place, and if it happens again I’ll personally make whoever’s responsible pay.

Justin’s kitchen, 6:38 p.m.

 

Someone once told me that picking off the label of your beer bottle brings bad luck. I’ve never found that to be true. I guess I’ve been pretty lucky in life, unlucky as fuck in love, but very lucky in everything else. It’s been a nice week, calm, relaxing. I’ve pretty much just been doing the normal everyday thing, watching TV, going to the store, going out at night once in a while, doing laundry. I know weeks like this I should cherish, especially with all the shit I’m gonna be thrown in in less than a week. Justin’s got promo coming up. His single is gonna be released soon and then he’s planning on doing a club tour before his release date. The label wants it small, Justin wants it big. Not the show, but the number of shows. He’s asked me if he should push harder and honestly, I like being on the road, so I told him to go for it. Plus the club shows are a hell of a lot cooler than the big venues. I know Justin likes them better and plus, I get to drink and hang out at the club shows. Not that I wouldn’t be able to do that at the big shows, but at the clubs it’s more accepted, I guess.

 

I sound like an alcoholic.

 

“Your grandpa was asking about you. He hasn’t seen you in so long, Trace!”

 

I sigh and switch the phone to my other hand and finish off my beer. “Momma, I know. I told you we’ll be back in town in a few weeks.”

 

“You always say that. I want a date this time, son.”

 

I watch as Justin comes around the bar from where he had been in the den. He walks towards the fridge and grabs two beers, takes off their caps and leans over the counter, taking a sip out of one. “I’ll ask Justin and see what he says.”

 

“Who is it?” Justin asks. Him and his girl have been here all day and I’ve been hanging out with them. It hasn’t been that bad. She’s actually been around a whole hell of a lot this week. She was here last night and I think she stayed over. They’re pretty good with containing their PDA. I mean sure they’ll lay on the couch together and kiss each other, but it’s not all tongue and slobber and groping and humping. Justin had to take a phone call earlier and Mere and I had a nice conversation about Atlanta. She apparently grew up somewhere near there. Then we were talking about food and I started to brag about my empanada skills and she then challenged me to make them. So of course Justin got back, got all excited and I ended up making us all dinner. I guess it was kind of a nice thing.

 

Would have been nicer if there was a girl with me, or hell, anyone else here besides just me. They aren’t trying to make me be the third wheel and they are doing a good job of including me, but no matter what they try I still feel alone and I still feel awkward around them. I never was this way with Justin and Britney. Maybe it’s ‘cause I knew her better, or maybe ‘cause I wasn’t heart broken at that time.

 

Maybe that’s it. Shit, I really, really gotta get over this girl. I have good days ya know, where I don’t think of her at all, especially days when I work. But these days just sitting around doing nothing well, it makes my mind wander and it seems to always lead to her.

 

“Momma…” I tell him and then hear over the line. “Yes baby?”

 

I laugh a little. “No, Justin just walked in I was telling him who was on the phone.”

 

“Let me talk to him.”

 

It’s a demand not a question. I pull the phone away and hand it to Justin, giving him a warning look. “She wants to talk to you.”

 

He cringes, takes a swig and then pulls the phone up to his ear, standing up straight. “Hey Momma Two...Yes ma’am...Great…Yeah, um, I think it’s not this Wednesday but the next? Like a week and two days or something…Yes ma’am, I’ll make sure he calls you before we take off...That’s right, I do.” He rolls his eyes. “She’s nice...Georgia…No, I’ve been trying to get him out but you know how he is…Ok, love ya….”

 

I groan when he hands me the phone back and I look at him, “ask you about dating?” He nods. She just won’t give it up. She’s determined to have me married by next year. Well, it’s not gonna happen. It sucked, too when all the shit went down. She was all into the planning process, all excited to marry off her son. She cried more than I did when I told her that Elisha dumped me. “Don’t worry mom, as soon as I go on a date you’ll be the first to know,” I say into the phone.

 

“I just worry about you, baby. Elisha was such a nice girl and…”

 

I know now if I don’t shut her up she’ll keep going and I’ll get pissed off and say something regrettable. My momma is wonderful but she’s not the most tactful. Most people assume our relationship is just like Justin and Lynn’s, since Lynn and her are really close and Justin and I are really close. But it’s not like that at all. She doesn’t know everything about me and I’m not really comfortable telling her every little thing. She’s awesome, and of course I love her, but…she can be a little much. I sigh and lie into the phone knowing if I tell her I have to work she’ll immediately let me go. Sometimes I think she believes my job is more important than the president’s. I think she thinks I run Justin’s life and make him his money. I really just go get him his coffee and go shopping for jeans and sneakers with him and hang out. “Mom I gotta go. Justin needs me to do some business. Love you, bye.”

 

“Oh…ok baby, call me later.”

 

I snap the phone close, put it on the counter and lean my forehead against the cool surface.

 

“Elisha, again?”

 

I bang my forehead against the counter and mumble, “shoot me.” After a moment, I look up and stare over at the sink, eyeing all the dirty plates and the pan and the bowl I use, and then I look at Justin. He’s staring at me. Hell no, I cooked, I ain’t about to do your dishes for you. I know he’s going to ask. He really is a lazy fuck sometimes.

 

“So uh, what you got planned for tonight?” He says, looking at his bottle. Not cleaning up your fucking dishes that’s for damn sure.

 

It’s funny after knowing each other for 25 years and being best friends for, shit, I don’t know, 23 of those years he still pulls this. He still never comes out and tells me what he really wants sometimes. Still plays it coy, beats around the bush. It’s hilarious really, but I guess I’ve always been the more blunt one of the two of us. It’s kind of weird. He’s the quiet one, I’m rowdy, unless we get drunk and the roles reverse. Most people think he’s the calm one, but I’m more laid back and I keep it all in line, and when he’s stressed out or if something is bothering him, watch out cause he’ll knock you down to make everything right again. “What the fuck do you want?”

 

“Nothing, why?”

 

I shake my head and say again, “Justin, what the fuck do you want?”

 

“I don’t know.” He shrugs and doesn’t look at me. Something’s up. He still wants something. Bastard. “I just figured maybe you’d want to go out.”

 

“Where you wanna go?” He’s being weird and I’m pretty damn sure that’s not what he’s trying to get at.

 

“Well no, I wanna stay in, but I know that Marty’s been wanting to hit up the clubs. Christa broke up with him so…”

 

Shit. I know he means well. I know he’s just looking out for me but that fucking hurts. If he wants to spend some time with his girl he should fucking say so. We’ve always told each other we’d never cock-block unless it was serious and him trying to pull out this you need to get out and hook up with hot chicks shit to get me out of the house, then that’s fucking ridiculous. “So the two loners should go out right?”

 

“That’s not what I mean.”

 

“Yeah it is.” I shake my head. I think Meredith’s getting to him too much. He’s trying to be a problem solver, and he was never good at solving…anything. “Why don’t the three of us go out? It’ll be the shit. I promise we won’t take you to a strip bar and get you in trouble.”

 

“Mere’s here. I can’t just leave her.”

 

I knew that would be his answer. I shouldn’t have even brought it up. “You’ve been hanging out with her all day, hell all week.”

 

“Dude…” He looks over into the den and I do, too. All I see are a little pair of socked feet up against the arm of the small couch that’s in the den, toes wiggling to some music that’s playing on the TV. “She wants to go swimming.”

 

“Then go swimming! I’m not stopping you.”

 

He looks over at her again and comes around the counter to where I’m sitting at one of the stools. He sits beside me and talks in a hushed tone, “But I think she wants to go naked.”

 

I laugh. It’s funny. Justin and I can be raunchy. We’re guys. We can sit here and talk about tits and pussy and fine asses and the best blow jobs we’ve ever gotten for hours. But he can only do it if we’re completely alone. If there’s even another person in the same house, upstairs asleep, or out in the yard, he gets quiet about it, shy almost. He’s super private about everything. He has good reason. And like I said I was always the blunt asshole of the two of us. “And what makes you think this?”

 

“I don’t know…” He must be terrified of her hearing him talk about their sex life ‘cause he keeps looking over at the den. “She keeps talking about how it’s hot and how a swim would be nice and then she started talking about how she didn’t wanna have to go home and get her bathing suit and how she’s never skinny dipped before and…and…” A grin comes over his face. “She’s giving me the look, man.”

 

I laugh. “The ‘fuck me or I’ll kill you’ look?”

 

“Well kind of but,” He frowns for a minute. “We ain’t into that yet.”

 

“The other day you were bragging about how you were gonna get into her shit soon.”

 

“Well, she went to the doctor yesterday morning and she has to wait like a week for the pills to kick in. Or something.” He laughs for a moment and drinks from his bottle. I’m assuming the other one he got was for her ‘cause he hasn’t handed it to me. It’s still on the other side of the counter, sitting there. Plus, if he’s about to kick me out I don’t need to be drinking any more. Unless of course I just go home. “She’s got it all planned out.”

 

“Well if she changes her mind I got some condoms in the house if you need ‘em.”

 

“I got some upstairs.”

 

I laugh, remembering a few months ago how Justin came over to my house to brag about how crazy the girl he was fucking at that time was in bed. “Oh right, those neon green apple flavored ones Jocelyn brought over.”

 

“Shut up!” He narrows his eyes at me. If I remember right, I think it was when he came over to tell me that and show me one of the unused packages of condoms, he was so amazed they were neon and flavored, it was then when I told him about Meredith. I had met her the night before. At the time he had shrugged and said “sure, I’ll tell Johnny to set up a day at the studio or something. She’s hot.”

 

A few days later we were at the studio, it was late at night, she had just left to go home and he was smiling, rocking back and forth in the chair by the controls. “I think I’m gonna dedicate this whole week to that girl, she’s got something special.”

 

God, they could be on a chick movie. It’s sick really.

 

And sicker that I’m fucking jealous of it.

 

“Hey…” I nudge him and look at him for a moment; he’s reading the back of the bottle and bobbing his head to some familiar but unheard beat in his head. He’s always doing that. Makes him look like a chicken. “We haven’t discussed this really, but…you guys getting real serious?” He laughs and makes some stupid face and continues to chicken bob. I knew it. I knew he’d try and dodge the question. Even with me, his best friend, Justin sometimes maneuvers his way out of answering questions, just like in interviews. I guess he feels like he has to play down love. He never was like this, but then he got burned and ever since it’s been all for fun and games. All about getting off, all about having fun.

 

It’s different this time and he knows it. And I know it. And I wanna get him to say it. “…like for real, Justin. Stop shitting around.”

 

“Yeah, I mean….I don’t know.” He sighs, stretches his back and grins, lifting his arms up over his head and yawning. “She’s fucking awesome, ya know?”

 

“She’s pretty hot.”

 

He lets his arms drop from over his head and sighs, “She’s fucking gorgeous. I don’t really want to fall for her. Like part of me is doing the whole ‘don’t go down that road’ thing, don’t go and give everything up and put it all into her and get fucked over.”

 

“But a girl like that won’t fuck you over, at least not intentionally….” I roll my eyes when he doesn’t say anything. “It’s pretty damn obvious she’s in love with you, Justin.”

 

“You think?” He seems excited. And shocked. Idiot.

 

“No, I just said that to get your balls in a knot.”

 

He sighs and I look to see him staring at her still wiggling toes. “I hope so.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Makes it easier. Makes me not have to worry about giving in so much.” It’s that type of attitude that got him in trouble in Miami. And its that type of attitude, that scared, holding back attitude, that distance he’s trying to maintain that’s gonna push her away in the end. And then he’ll be more miserable than me and I’ll have to deal with it. And Justin miserable over a girl is probably the most pathetic thing in the world.

 

It’s sad.

 

“You guys will be alright. It’s just started, man. Just cherish it. This is when it’s fun, ya know? Don’t be worrying about shit that might not even happen.”

 

I find it funny, when he was with Britney he was always the one giving me advice on chicks and now, now that I’ve been engaged and burned here I am doing the same thing to him. He was always more mature than me, until it all went down and he got a little too cocky for his own good. I settled down and he went rampant, hooking up with any girl that held his interest more than a minute. And I guess I’ve grown up in the process.

 

It sucks.

 

“Yeah…I just, we’ve both been fucked over…and not by bitches Trace, by good girls, awesome girls. I don’t want it happening again. ”

 

I shake my head. “But we’ve also fucked over some girls along the way, too.”

 

“I guess so.”

 

I slide off the barstool and go over to the sink. I rinse out my beer bottle and open the cabinet under the sink to toss my bottle into the recycling box there. “Just stop worrying about it.” I laugh and try to get his mind off everything. He’s got that look, that thinking Justin look. It can be dangerous. “The pool cleaner guy is coming Friday, anyway. So go fuck up that shit. Get nasty with it!”

 

He chuckles and reaches for the beer that’s been sitting there open, getting warm. “Pervert.”

 

I walk into the den and lean over the couch to find Meredith there, watching tv, hanging her arm off the other end and letting Buckley, who’s laying under the coffee table, lick her fingers. She holds up her other one and I smack it. “Hey girl, I’m peacein’ out.”

 

She pouts. “Where you goin’?”

 

“See if a buddy of mine wants to go out for a beer.”

 

“Aww, ok. Thanks for making us empanadas!” She smiles at me and for a moment I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t introduced her and Justin. If maybe I had bought her a drink that night, asked her to dance or asked her out another night. Shit, she’d probably date me for a couple times and then meet Justin and nothing would be different. Except things would be a hell of a lot more awkward.

 

Plus, not that Meredith’s dumb, she’s a pretty smart girl, but she’s not really an intellectual girl and that shit turns me on more than anything. Elisha was smart as hell and it was the one thing that attracted me to her. She could sit there and have a conversation about anything. She was deep and silly at the same time. Love the girl to death but Mere seems to pretty much just be silly and she seems to let other people control her. I like a girl in charge.

 

I don’t know. I’m probably wrong.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?” She sits up and Justin comes over and hands her her beer and sits down on the couch beside her.

 

I go and grab my keys from where they were laying on the table by the recliner and ask her, “Tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah, for my video shoot. The one starring me and Mr. Timberlake here.” She rubs his back for a moment and smiles at him and then turns her eyes to me and starts to grin. It’s a mysterious, troublemaking smile. It makes me uncomfortable. I start to feel weird in my stomach. “You’ll get to see Courtney…”

 

I gulp.

 

Shit. “Yeah…” I wave to them and march out of there calling, “bye guys” before shutting the door behind me and sighing. Why did she have to mention that name? Why the fuck did she have to bring that girl up?

 

I slam my car door and take a breath before turning around and heading out of Justin’s drive way. I had done a damn good job of forgetting about her, blocking her from my mind, and then she had to be brought up. It’s not really that I’m ashamed of it, but it’s embarrassing that I have a mini non-significant kinda thing for khakis girl. Like, I think I just wanna do her cause I wanna see what she’s like. It’s probably just because she’s the only female I’ve been around for an extended period of time that hasn’t been taken. Maybe she is taken, I hope so. That’d make things a hell of a lot easier.

 

She gets under my skin and I hate that.

 

Elisha got under my skin.

 

But in a different way. Elisha wouldn’t get on my nerves. She’d just make me want more and more and more of her. I wanted to know more and see more and be around her more. With Courtney she gets under my skin and I want her to go away and then I want her to come back ‘cause being away form her is worse than being with her. ‘Cause I mean, she is female company.

 

And there ain’t nothing in the world better than female company.

 

But she’s so fucking uptight. I mean yeah, she’s loosened up a bit, but still. I kept trying to give her a second chance ya know, thinking maybe she’s just a little on edge cause she doesn’t know us that well and she’s new to all this but man, I don’t know. Last time I saw her was at Meredith’s house, when we caught them fucking around on the couch. She acted all disgusted by it. Please…it wasn’t like they were doin’ it doggy style on the front porch! And then she got an attitude when we were moving around stuff.

 

We got Mere’s whole house set up and Court and Justin just kept sending daggers to each other and it was stupid. Meredith even noticed and asked her about it. I lied and said something about Justin getting his period. And she kept being short with me. I’d ask her to help me with something and she’d glare, “I’m busy! Hold on.”

 

I dropped her off at her place that night and she barely said bye to me before slamming the door and walking up the steps. She lives pretty close by, right on the corner of an intersection I go to a lot. Right…here actually.

 

Fucking great. I haven’t even called Marty yet and I’m driving around like an idiot and where do I land, smack in front of her condo.

 

Ya know what? This might be entertaining. What the hell? I’m doing it!

 

I turn on my blinker, swerve left and pull into the parking lot. This is a mistake. What the hell am I thinking? This is ridiculous. I should just call Marty or go home.

 

Yeah, I’ll just go home. I think they’re having a Godfather marathon on SpikeTV and I can drink some whiskey and get pissed faced and quote my favorite movie and pass out. It’ll be great. Fucking wonderful.

 

“Excuse me…” I sigh, look at the receptionists name tag and smile. She looks young, cute, blonde, nice tits. Maybe I should just ask her out on a date. Shit, there’s a ring. Never mind. “Karen…I was wondering if you could help me.”

 

I’m such a pathetic loser.

 

“What can I do for you sir?”

 

I smirk. “It’s Trace, and my friend lives here, but I don’t know which apartment number. She just moved here a week or two ago.”

 

“What’s the name?” She turns to her computer and pulls something up.

 

“Courtney Dawson.” She types the name in. Isn’t this illegal? This is going by much easier than I thought. A part of me prays she’ll tell me she cant disclose any information.

 

She eyes me for a moment and smiles, “Friend, eh?”

 

I laugh and smile. “You caught me. I’m a male escort.” She cackles a laugh and snorts. Yeah…good thing I skipped out on asking her on a date.

 

“214 is her number.” She smiles at me and winks. “Mr. Trace do you have a card or something incase another resident might want your services.”

 

I suck in a breath. Is she flirting with me? Yeah I think she is. Bitch, you got a ring on your finger. I pass her a tight grin. “I’ll have to work on that. Thanks for the number.” I turn, march to the steps, bypassing the elevator so I don’t have to stand there, wait for it, and have her look at me all weird.

 

It takes entirely too short of a time to get to her apartment. This condo is pretty nice. Reminds me of a place I stayed at when I first moved out here, when Justin and Britney were living together. Shit, I just knocked on the door.

 

I could run for it. I mean, I’d be a pussy, but I could do it. Could save my skin. No one would know but that stupid Karen lady. She’d probably see Courtney and be like “there was a Trace here looking for you.” And then I’d be in shit.

 

The door cracks open and I suck in a breath about to make an excuse as to why I’m there, something lame, something that’ll get me off the hook and make me not look desperate.

 

She swings open the door the rest of the way and takes a deep breath and stares. “Oh…hey.”

 

I gulp. “Hi.”

 

She’s sweaty and wearing just a sports bra and spandex pants that look like they were painted on her. Miss khakis is fit, miss khakis has curves, miss khakis is sexy.

 

Miss khakis is fucking dangerous.

 

Shit, what was that excuse?

 

“What are you doing here?” She turns, leaves the door open and walks back into her apartment. I guess that’s an invitation inside. She didn’t say come in, but she didn’t tell me to leave either.

 

I step inside and close the door behind me. She doesn’t look at me, just turns off her TV that had some work out video on it and pushes a mat and some weights she had out into a corner. She pushes her coffee table back in front of her TV and rearranges a few things. Her place is cute, spacious, kind of reminds me of one of the Friends apartments. Lots of oriental inspired decorations, but it doesn’t look cluttered. It looks interesting, and completely not like how I pictured khakis pants land. She said the place came with furniture, but she sure has made this place her own, adding pillows and curtains and pictures. I know I sound gay but I’ve always had this design streak in me. It’s a cool place.

 

“Uh, Trace?”

 

I jump and look up at her, she’s wiping a towel over her neck and her chest. “Huh?”

 

“I asked you a question.”

 

Shit, I saw a porno like this once. But it was with a pizza boy and a dominatrix. It was hot. Shit, she’s hot. Shit, look away man, look away! I stare at her refrigerator and fumble with my hands behind my back. I’m a full blown idiot. “Huh, ohhh right. Well, um, I don’t know. Just in the neighborhood.”

 

“Bull shit, what’s up?” She comes over to me and sucks on a bottle of water. Not sucks, drinks, drinks!! I wipe my forehead. I think I need to borrow her towel. “Did something happen?”

 

“No, no.” I gulp and figure I need to sit down. My mind has just been blown. I knew khakis could be hot. I mean I saw her in a bathing suit, of course it covered everything and she had this little skirt thing, but she was still hot. And I saw her all dressed up at the club and when we were in Miami. And other times when we were at the beach she would wear these little shorts and this tank and it was hot as shit. But I didn’t realize this, this woman had this body. I sigh and sit down at one of her chairs at a little glass table she has near her kitchen. “This isn’t about Meredith or Justin or anything. I just figured I’d stop by and see how you were, since I haven’t seen you in a bit. You were weird the other day.”

 

Nice cover. Kind of.

 

“Oh…” She sighs and sits down on the edge of her couch and looks at me. “Sorry, I wasn’t in a good mood.”

 

Good, actual conversation starting, not just me staring at her nipples, not to me salivating. Ok, ya know. This is pathetic. I must just need to get laid. I bet Jocelyn would do me. I know she was all about Justin but she was kind of a hoe. I could probably tell her Justin was asking about her and get her drunk and fuck her.

 

Ok that’s shitty. Plus Jocelyn wasn’t as hot as this. “You seemed fine that morning when we went to get food, then when we got to Meredith’s you turned into Miss Bitch.”

 

She glares at me and I know I deserve it, but I guess I kind of want to make her mad. I want her to kick me out. “I told you never to call me that again.”

 

“Well it’s the truth, you know it.”

 

She smiles. Why the hell is she smiling? She’s supposed to kick me out, tell me I’m an asshole that is disrespectful to women so I can hate her again. So I can stop wanting her.

 

Shit, I want her. I fucking want her.

 

I mean I don’t like her. I don’t wanna be like all mushy with her and cuddle and tell her I want her to have my babies. But I want her. I want her under me, above me, around me, on me…

 

God, what the fuck!!! Stop it you fucking idiot! I need a gun. I need to shoot myself. This…I’m supposed to control myself. I’m supposed to not be wanting to bang the khakis girl, the uptight bitchy snotty ‘I’m better than you’ girl that makes me feel like shit sometimes. I’m not supposed to want her.

 

This isn’t fair. I should have never pulled that label off my beer.

 

“You hungry?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I’m gonna make dinner, do you want some?”

 

No, I just ate. No thanks, you cook yourself something and I’ll get out of your way. Nice seeing you, Court. Have a good life. I’m gonna go jerk off now by myself. That’s better than being here staring at you. I gotta go get drunk with my friend or by myself. Bye!

 

“Oh yeah, sure. I’d love some.” I sigh.

 

She smiles, opens her fridge and hands me a beer. She drinks beer?! This is a joke right? I watch her move through the kitchen and apartment into a room which I assume is her bedroom. I’m curious, I wanna know what it looks like, if her mattress is soft or hard, if she has stuff animals or mirrors on the ceiling. But I just sit here, watch her walk away and then watch her walk back in with an oversized t-shirt covering up much of herself. That sucks.

 

I don’t know what she’s making but it smells fucking fantastic. I wish I hadn’t eaten those empanadas. We talk about what she’s been up to. I ask her where she’s from. She says Chicago, but moved to New York after high school and worked her way up in a small marketing firm for up and coming music artist. They have a partnership with BMG but she said about a year ago she got tired of it and wanted to get into assistantship, something she always wanted to do. We talk about the video tomorrow and what time we are getting there. I pick on her workout outfit. She laughs at me and says she was doing Pilates. I make fun of her some more and she just laughs and laughs.

 

Her laugh gets under my skin, makes me warm…and scared.

 

For a while it’s quiet, just the sounds of her messing around her kitchen. I watch her wondering if maybe the uptight front she’s been putting on at work was just that, a front. This Courtney is the same and yet very different. She’s at ease, relaxed with herself and with me. She’s in control, she knows what to do. And she’s smiling and laughing and I think she’s having a good time.

 

With me.

 

And shit, she can cook. I don’t know what it is but it’s good. It’s like chicken and noodles and some vegetables. Justin always told me, if the girl is hot and can cook, keep her, no matter what. But shit, I don’t even know if Courtney wants me to begin with. And what am I talking about? I don’t want her. I mean I want her, like sex want her, but not as a girlfriend.

 

That’s actually hilarious.

 

Me and Courtney dating? Ha! I look up at her and she’s staring at me. Ok, so maybe it’s just slightly humorous.

 

“Like it?” She’s drinking wine again.

 

I nod. “It’s fantastic. I didn’t know you could cook.”

 

She laughs, puts down her fork and leans back in her chair. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, not to sound completely cliché.” She takes a long sip, closing her eyes. “You don’t really know me that well, Trace.”

 

“Then tell me something.” I smirk at her and she just stares at me for a moment, licks her lip and then pushes her chair back.

 

“Go sit on the couch, I’ll be there in a second.”

 

I stare at her. I know those eyes. They are the same eyes Justin was talking about earlier, the ‘fuck me or I’ll kill you’ eyes. Ok, I gotta think about this. Maybe she doesn’t want me, maybe she’s just confused or maybe I’ve completely lost it. But if she does…oh if she does…

 

What do I do?

 

Like, do I fuck her? And it’ll be great and wonderful and it’ll loosen her up and make her happy. Maybe she just needs to get laid. Or do I fuck her? And it’s awkward and she wants to actually be with me and falls in love with me and I’m not ready to give into that. Or do I fuck her? And fall for her and she laughs in my face.

 

Or do I fuck her? And it ends up making this entire situation horrible, makes her hate me, makes me hate her. Makes us just more miserable around each other than we already are.

 

But well, tonight hasn’t been miserable. It’s been nice, enjoyable. She cuts a light off and I see her coming into the den with a glass of water in her hands. She perches herself on the opposite end of the couch, pulls a pillow from behind her and holds it while she takes a nice gulp from her water.

 

“So…”

 

My hands are sweaty. Shit, why am I nervous? I feel like I’m in middle school again and Mary Ann Laurence just kissed me under the bleachers and then told all her friends that I bit her lip and that I kiss like a dog. But I haven’t kissed Courtney, yet. So she can’t go tell all her friends that I’m a dog kisser.

 

I want to. I want to kiss her.

 

I set my beer down on the end table and lick my lips. “So, um…” I laugh a little and scoot closer to her. “We need to talk.”

 

“What about?”

 

I rub my head and look at the table before turning my head to look at her. “About you making me dinner, about you licking your lips just now, about you turning out every light but the lamp over by the window.”

 

She shakes her head, “What are…”

 

“Do you want me, Courtney?”

 

She gulps and I stare at her. A little shocked look comes across her face. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. She takes in a breath and then it all washes away. The desire in her eyes, the shocked look on her face, it all fades. She narrows her eyes and tightens her mouth.

 

“You would…”

 

Fuck it. I kiss her. I don’t want her to turn me down and dammit if I not curious. And the best part, she kisses me back.

 

She kisses me…me back. She grabs onto my shirt. At first I think she’s gonna push me away but she just pulls me closer, so I’m leaning on her. She opens her mouth and surges her tongue against mine. Shit girl, if you had just said so earlier we would have cut the bull shit and just gone straight to it. She runs her hands over my shoulders and across my back and pushes me against her body Man, she can kiss. She’s getting me hard just off kisses. I hope, I hope she wants this. Even if she doesn’t wanna fuck, I’m happy with just laying and kissing.

 

But if she does wanna fuck….

 

She pulls back for a moment and I smile and open my eyes. She’s staring at me. “Shit, Courtney. You got me wanting you bad.”

 

Her hands run over my shoulders again and fist them in my shirt again. I smile. Damn does she want it!

 

“Get the fuck off me.”

 

“What!” What. What?!

 

WHAT?

 

Oh hell no. Oh hell no. Do not tell me she just went psycho bitch on me. I stare at her, my mouth open from where she pushed me to the other end of the couch. She jumps up and starts to pace. Bitch is nuts. Fucking nuts!

 

“Get…” She shakes her head and pulls at her hair. “Just get out Trace.”

 

She’s not mad at me. She’s mad at herself. I smile and shake my head. “Oh hell no. I just kissed you and you kissed me back and you fucking wanted it Courtney. You were practically begging me.”

 

Ok that was the wrong thing to say. She glares at me and grips her fist. “Ohhhh really? You think you’re that great, huh? Yeah right. You just took advantage of me, so get the fuck out.” She screams, like, girl is screaming at me and pointing at her door. This isn’t just her yelling and pissed off. She’s furious

 

It pisses me off. No, it infuriates me. This girl is nuts. Like, who in their right mind would act like this? Grow up bitch! Learn to deal with shit head on instead of running from it. She’s just a fucking little girl with stupid problems she can’t get over. That’s all it is. She’s not even worth my time.

 

“Fine….” I storm to the door and swing it open. “I fucking will! Thanks for dinner…” She flips me off. Oh, that was mature! “You’re just a tightass cocktease, aren’t you?”

 

She storms towards me. What’s she gonna do? Pilates me to death? “What did you call me?”

 

I scoff at her. She disgusts me. And she’s not that hot either. She’s just got a nice body. It’s not even that nice. I’ve seen better. And she’s got ugly socks on. Yeah, they’re ugly, and so’s her little spandex pants with the stripe down the side. Ok, miss 19-fucking 82 with her spandex and khakis. Bitch. “You heard me you fucking-“

 

The door is slammed in my face. The sound echoes in my ears.

 

Fuck.

Lot 14 outside of Studio B, 2:22 p.m.

 

I don’t want to kiss him. I don’t want to at all. And I won’t, I swear I won’t do this. It’s wrong and I don’t feel comfortable and it’s...it’s not right. I look at Shanda and she rubs my shoulder for a moment before teasing my hair some more. It’s huge. Poofy and frizzy and I don’t really like it, but it’ll look good for the crazy dance number I have to do. I’ll do the dance, I’ll hold his hand, I’ll even grind with him in the club scene and I’ll get close to him. But I’m not going to kiss him. I…I can’t. A month ago it wouldn’t have been a problem but now it’s not just me anymore.

 

And no matter how attractive Victor is I’m not going to kiss him. I don’t care if he is super hot and has a cute Russian accent. And I don’t care if it’s good for the single, good for my career, good for the rumors. It’s cheating and I’m not going to have Justin walk on set and see me making out with another guy. Even if it is just “work.”

 

“Ya know, you’re being ridiculous.”

 

I look through the mirror, trying not to stare at myself and the ridiculous hairdo that Shanda is giving me. I have my first sequence coming up for the shoot today, but this hair is just horrendous when I’m forced to stare at myself in the mirror. I wish Megan was here, she’d laugh at me and keep my mind off things. I look at Courtney. She’s sitting on the couch behind the chair I’m in, looking at her palm pilot, trying to pretend that she’s not paying attention.

 

But she’s hanging on every word. I know it. And I wish she could help me right now.

 

The woman that’s standing near her, staring at me with a scowl through the mirror is my manager. She was the first person in the business to believe in me. She helped to discover me and she’s pulled me through my career to this point. But she’s also been one of the ones to tell me what to do, where to go, how to act and while I know I need to sell records I also need to be myself and stick up for the things that matter to me. It’s weird, too. I’ve never seen her this distraught and upset.

 

“How so!”

 

“This is nothing Meredith. If you’re gonna throw a tantrum about this, then what’s gonna happen later on when something more major than kissing some man in your video is thrown your way. I can’t believe you sometimes.”

 

And while I guess I am being ridiculous and throwing a tantrum, I don’t care. I’m not kissing this guy. And she can’t make me. I’m not a five year old! I’m almost twenty-four and I know what I want and I know what I don’t want. I don’t care if it’ll be great for the video and if it’s what everyone had planned, why can’t I change this one little detail. I really don’t see what the huge deal is. And the fact that she’s blowing it up, makes me blow up.

 

“And you’re not my mother! And you’re not my boss! It’s about time I start making some of my own damn decisions!”

 

She glares at me. “I’m your manager.”

 

I wave Shanda’s hands away from my hair and hear her sigh. I know I’m pissing her off and I’m truly sorry about that. She’s just doing her job and my fight with Angie is not letting her do that. She’s never had a lot of patience with Angie and hasn’t seemed too impressed with Courtney, but me and her click, we get along and I hate it when I’m the one doing something to make her angry. But I have to deal with this now, or it’ll never get resolved.

 

I swirl around in the chair and point at the woman standing there in nice dress slacks and a pink blouse. “So how would you, manager, feel if you had to kiss some guy for work and Eric walked in and you were like, ‘oh honey its just for work.’”

 

She rolls her eyes and throws her hands up. “You can’t even make that comparison. It’s not my job to do this music video. It’s not my job to sell a product, to sell myself, Meredith.” She reaches over and picks up the one of the five magazines she had brought with her and stacked on the end table by the small, lumpy green couch. It’s Star and it has a picture of Justin and I walking with each other into that breakfast café in the keys. We’re not even holding hands, and he’s a little in front of me, and I happen to look like I’m frowning and covering up my stomach and the words “Baby Season” are written above my head. I kind of find it funny. “I brought you this stack of magazines so you can see what this kind of relationship is gonna do to you and your reputation. Pictures of you guys in Miami taking a walk, you guys out and about in LA eating lunch. It’s all over the place, can you handle that? Really? Honestly Meredith. Can you handle stuff like this,” She opens one of the magazines and flips for a second and then shows a spread that seems to have tracked Justin and I’s previous relationships. “‘Is that a baby bump or is she just gaining weight,’” she reads.

 

I lean back in the chair and cross my arms over my chest. “It’s shit Angie. I know that. And most Americans know that tabloids are shit. You think I haven’t been through enough crappy press to be able to handle this!”

 

My stomach hurts. I don’t know if its nerves or anxiety or that cereal I had this morning. Maybe Justin’s milk was bad or something. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been in this situation before. Before there was nothing that I had to hide or block. If they wanted me to do something I was usually ok with it. They never pushed me into a photo shoot I felt completely uncomfortable with or any other situation. Nervous maybe, but not uncomfortable. I might have not liked some of the stuff I did but I didn’t complain. But now, now it’s not just me. There’s him and yeah, so what if we’ve only been dating for a few weeks! And I don’t care if that’s not technically long enough to matter, to make me wanna change. But I’ve wanted to change for a while. Shit, there’s been shoots I didn’t want to do because the photographer was creepy or the idea was stupid. Like that one with me blowing bubbles and licking ice cream like a fucking eight year old that I had to do about six months ago. I hated that, but I did it anyway. And I didn’t complain.

 

But now I wanna make my own decisions. And kissing Victor, nice and cute guy that he is, is something I know in my heart I don’t want to do. I know Justin will say he doesn’t care, that it’s just the business. But I know he won’t like it. So I don’t see why I have to. I’ll do everything else they ask, just not that.

 

“Kissing him will make this die down.” She doesn’t have to explain what she means. I’ve been lectured this whole day, ever since she showed up on the set three hours ago as a surprise. I know what “this” is. I know why she wants “this” to die down. And I know that she’s not happy with “this.” Well she’s going to have to get over it,’ cause “this” is going to be showing up soon. “I shouldn’t have agreed to the labels request of having him be in this video with you, but they told me his people were already excited about it and that it’d be great for the single.”

 

“And it will be.”

 

“It’ll be tabloid headlines.”

 

I shake my head. She’s normally cooler than this. Sure, ever since the shit came out in US Weekly with me and Megan it’s been weird for her. She’s been stressed out, restless, and little things tick her off. But that’s because she’s had to pull in overtime at work just for me, just to fix all my mess. Suddenly she had to start making up explanations for everything I did. I appreciate everything Angie does for me, but yelling at me for having a boyfriend is pathetic and immature and it’s not worth her time. “It’ll be something we can work on together. Please Angie, why are you being so cold about all this?”

 

“Because I’m worried about you Meredith.”

 

I scoff and smack my hands down on the arm of the chair. That pisses me off! Courtney jumps and stares at me. I don’t pay attention to her. She’s been weird all morning, jumpy. Maybe she’s getting her period again. “What’s to worry about!?”

 

“You’re losing your focus!”

 

“Oh really?” I laugh. I can’t believe some of the shit she’s saying to me. When she called me in New York, all pissed at Courtney, I fucking told her Justin and I were going to start seeing each other. She didn’t say much, just ‘oh ok’ and then hung up soon after. What the hell is going on with her? Is she jealous ‘cause my boyfriend is hot and hers has a busted face?! Probably.

 

Ok, I admit that’s kind of a pathetic thing to think.

 

“He’s pulling you away from where you need to be most right now.”

 

But not as pathetic as the bull shit she’s saying to me.

 

“This is shit!” I stand up and clench my fist. I hate getting this angry and I try not to let stuff like this bother me, but today I just can’t fucking handle it. I turn to Courtney, “Isn’t it, Court?” She just widens her eyes and stares at me. “Never mind…” I don’t need to drag her into this. That’s the last thing I need. Angie already blessed her out this morning for being a little late to the shoot. It was my fault and I told Angie that, but she somehow blamed it on Courtney. And Courtney got my coffee wrong this morning too when she picked me up from Justin’s. In the almost month that I’ve known her she’s never once got that wrong. I don’t really care, I can drink it black. I don’t need creamer though I prefer that, but…it’s just not like her to mess up little things like that. And she’s been quiet and staring off into space.

 

I wanted to ask her what was wrong. But I haven’t had the chance with Angie lecturing me.

 

“What do you need?”

 

I shake my head at her and wave my hand. Yeah, I think my assistant might need a day off, but damn she’s been off for the past four days. Weird. “Nothing, sorry…”

 

“Guys, let’s all take a breath.” I look at Shanda and she’s moving her eyes between all of us and waving a hair brush around. She turns the chair towards me and I step over to it and plop down. Yeah, so I’m pouting. “Marc is gonna be back soon wanting to know an answer and ya’ll need to come to some agreement.” She’s right, as always and I look at her and silently tell her thanks for being the voice of reason in all of this. Marc, the director, will be back and he’ll need to know what I want to do.

 

I even told him I didn’t want to kiss Victor and he said that was cool with him, but then Angie stepped her foot in. He said he had no problem as long as I didn’t have a problem giving a tease at the end and leaning in like I was going to kiss him. I like Marc, I’ve worked with him before and he’s an awesome and very easy going guy. And I don’t see why if he doesn’t have a problem with it, since he came up with the video idea, that it should be this big fight that it’s become.

 

“I’m not doing a damn thing until he gets here.” I glare at Angie. And I’m not. I’m gonna wait and I’m going to let him decide for us ‘cause I know he’ll fucking take my side over hers. She’s being absolutely, horribly unreasonable.

 

“You’re impossible, you know that!”

 

I stare at her and she stares back at me. So I guess we’re acting like we’re in high school and I just found out she has the same prom dress as me. But I’m serious here. I don’t see why she can’t just listen to me instead of bossing me around. I continue to stare at her and say, “Courtney, when are they scheduled-“

 

“Three.” She cuts me off and I laugh a little and purse my lips.

 

“Then I guess we’ll have to wait.” ‘Cause I tell you, I don’t care how long that is. I’m waiting ‘til Justin gets here, and I’m talking to him about this before I make any other decisions. That’s only fair and she has to grant me that.

 

“What the hell has he done to you? You use to not be this stubborn.”

 

I’m not gonna cry. ‘Cause that’s just stupid, but she’s making me really upset. What has he done to me? I’ll tell you what he’s done to me. He’s made me feel incredible, made me feel special, like I’m worth something, like I’m more than just an ok singer that happens to be a little famous. He makes me feel like I mean something. He makes me happy. He’s made me a little more confident, a little more sure of my self and a little more secure. That’s what he’s done.

 

Wow, what a fucking crime.

 

“I use to let you guys tell me what to do, where to stand, how to act, when to smile. Dammit, Angie! I wanna do this myself this time. I wanna make some fucking decisions myself! I’m not your fucking little puppet!”

 

It started out calm but by the time I finish I realize I’m yelling and I feel Shanda’s hands on my shoulders, rubbing a little and whistling under her breath a little. Angie just stares at me. I take a breath and cross my arms over my chest and look away. Ok, so maybe I’m going to cry now. Shit, don’t fucking cry, don’t pull out this girly weak shit Meredith.

 

“Excuse me, ladies…” I gasp and look up over to the door, sunlight streams in and I see Trace leaning in with his sunglasses over his eyes and a weird expression on his face. “Are you guys, ok?”

 

I take in a breath and then I see the door swing open and smack against the wall of the trailer. I let out the breath slowly and smile as Trace steps out of the way and I see him, him there, moving his sunglasses on top of his head, the sunlight now being blocked by whoever is behind him, I think its Tiny.

 

His presence is like some policeman just busted up in here to save me. He stares at me and then at everyone else in the room before licking his lips and saying in a low, pissed off tone, “What the hell is going on in here?”

 

I push myself off the chair and whisper, “You’re here,” before running to him. Yes, I admit it, I run to him. I run and I put my arms around him and hug him tightly. I close my eyes and breathe in deep. He smells good and his t-shirt is so soft and he’s so strong and solid and he makes me immediately feel like I’m at home, like I’m at ease.

 

I look up at him for a moment and he looks down at me, concern in his deep eyes, worry all over his face. “What’s going on?” His voice is still low, but soft this time. He rubs my back and brushes under my eye with his thumb.

 

I pull Justin back from the door and keep holding onto him. I see his bodyguard there and smile, “Hey Tiny, Teddy went to make a phone call…” I take a breath. What I’m about to say is bold and gonna piss off some people but I need to be alone with my man, and it won’t happen unless someone makes them leave. “Will you kick them all out?” I laugh a little trying to calm myself.

 

Shanda laughs, pushes past me and smacks on her pack of Camels. She mumbles something that sounds like ‘good luck’ to me.

 

“Meredith don’t you dare…” I whip around and glare at Angie.

 

“Angie dammit, please! I’m begging you right now, just give me a few minutes.”

 

“What is with you today?”

 

“Just…go!” I see Tiny standing there, holding the door and ushering them out. Courtney doesn’t look at me or Justin or Trace and they all leave. Angie is cussing under her breath as she passes me but soon Tiny has the door closed and it’s quiet and it’s just us, me and him, alone, like it’s supposed to be.

 

I hold onto the front of his shirt and just hang onto him as he holds me. He holds me tightly for a moment and then pulls back, grabbing onto my shoulders and bending down to look at me in the eyes.

 

“What the hell, baby? I could hear you guys all the way outside. There was a bit of a crowd.”

 

“Shit…” I didn’t realize we were being that loud. And now I can see it, tabloid reports that I’m horrible and a diva and evil and just great. This is the last thing I need today. Now the crew is going to all hate me and say stuff. “Shit shit shit!” I pull at my teased hair and walk further into the trailer, pacing to the end and turning back around.

 

“Meredith…”

 

I don’t look at him but walk back towards him as I pace. “They want me to kiss him.”

 

“What?”

 

I sigh and turn back and pace back again. “That model guy. You know how you were just gonna sit in the club and sing your part? Well they have this whole story line where I’m like with this one guy who’s bad and then I see this model guy they got named Victor and he’s so nice and so sweet, but they want me to like make out with him. Angie says it’s just a kiss, but it’s not Justin. Not to me. If I was single, I’d be fine with it. But I’m with you and it’s not fair!”

 

“Come here…” He walks past me and sits down on the couch there. It’s low to the ground and insanely uncomfortable and for a moment he looks too lanky and big for it. I just keep walking, though. I have to do something, I just can’t sit there and expect everything to be better. I…I just have to keep moving. I walk back and he reaches and grabs my wrist and then my hips and pulls me down. “Mere, come here.” It shocks me and pisses me off for just a moment but when I realize he’s holding me all the anger I’ve felt that day washes away. He pulls me into him and moves so he’s laying on the couch and I’m there lying on him. He kisses my forehead and then my lips for a moment. “Calm down.”

 

I do immediately and lean my head against his chest. He’s amazing. He’s like a drug that just soothes and cleanses and makes everything better. No, not a drug, he’s like a day at the spa! That’s what I need. Maybe Courtney and I will go in the next few days. I think she could use a spa day and maybe I’ll get the chance to talk about what’s been up with her. The past week has been fantastic for me and Justin. We’ve spent almost every day together and almost every night. We fit, ya know. We just click. I can tell he feels at ease with me and I feel the same with him. We’re comfortable around each other. I don’t feel like I’m with ‘Justin Timberlake’. I feel like I’m just with this great guy that makes me feel wonderful who I happen to be in love with.

 

It’s true. I’m in love with him now. There’s no going back. Last night proved that.

 

I sit up for a moment and resituate myself because his belt buckle is hurting my hip. I’m just in little gym shorts and a tee cause I know most of the clothes I wear for today will be horribly uncomfortable. I lie back down and look into his eyes. “I didn’t know Angie was going to be here today. She’s a good manager, but she makes me nervous ‘cause I feel like I have to be on point with her and I was so sleepy this morning.”

 

He frowns for a moment and runs his hand down my arm. “I kept you up too late last night.”

 

I shake my head. Never should he regret that. Last night, last night was something, beautiful I would call it. I was being a tease like normal and persuaded him to get in the pool with me. We had made out so much that week and fooled around a bit that I didn’t have a problem taking off my bra in front of him and he clearly didn’t have a problem either. We ended up naked, swimming around together at dusk. I don’t know. I guess it’s a little silly for me to get all worked up over seeing him naked and him getting to see me that way. He does have a nice body though. God, more than nice, like perfect and everything. It was a big step for us and, well it was nice and in my mind, so fucking romantic. It wasn’t like we were humping on the cement by the pool or furiously trying to get the other one off. In fact, we didn’t even try to do that. We just swam around and he let me hold onto his back and float around with him. We got in a splash war but I dunked him a little too fast and he got water in his nose so we stopped and I sat in front of him in the shallow in by the steps and we kissed. And then we got out.

 

We wrapped ourselves up in these huge towels he has and sat out on the deck and talked. He didn’t push, he didn’t ask for anything more than just my company. Something about that made me feel so good. I mean, I want to have sex with him badly, but it’s still a little hard for me to read him at times. And up until last night I was still a little unsure if all this was just a front he was putting on to get in my pants. But now I know where he stands. He wants me more than just for sex or because he thinks I look hot next to him. He actually likes me and likes talking to me and spending time with me. We talked about our families, about our pasts, about what we want in the future. We talked until three in the morning about how long we want to stay in the spotlight, if we want a family, if we want another type of career, what we want out of this relationship. I could tell he wasn’t sure if he loved me, or that if he was he was a little scared to tell me. But he did say he saw a future, a long one and, and he said that I’m the best thing that’s come his way in a long, long time.

 

We kissed, a lot. I know it wasn’t more than an hour but it seemed like longer. We kissed each other and we were naked except for the towel. He held on to my body. It was romantic and it was sexy and it was intimate. And, and I honestly can say that I haven’t ever really experienced that type of feeling, that type of intensity without having, ya know, sex. I don’t know, maybe that’s stupid. Maybe I’m getting too over my head. We slept beside each other naked and he didn’t push. Actually I think he was too tired to ask for anything more and so was I.

 

But last night was special. It made me realize how far I’d gone, how much I was in love.

 

And that’s why today has been such a pain. ‘Cause I’m not ready to put that love in question, not for anyone.

 

“No…I don’t regret that at all.” I kiss him. I kiss him deeply and pull away, happy that it makes him smile. “And Courtney was a mess this morning. I’ve never seen her so disorganized. Pretty much my damn hairdresser, Shanda, she’s kept everything together.”

 

He’s quiet for a moment and looks deep in thought. He licks his lips, sucks in a breath and says quietly, “You can kiss the guy. I mean I won’t like it, but I understand. It’s not gonna make us fight.”

 

I sigh and shake my head. I wish he could be the guy I kiss in the video. “But I don’t want to, Justin. I want to kiss you.”

 

His grin is lopsided and he pats my butt for a moment. “I’m right here.”

 

I laugh and shake my head at him. “On camera.”

 

“Kinky.” He wiggles his eyebrows and it makes me laugh. It’s amazing how five minutes ago I was stressed out, my heart was pumping and I was on the verge of screaming, and now I’m calm, relaxed, thinking about how taking a nap with him would be wonderful.

 

“No, I mean…we worked on this song together, it’s our little project and now we’re together and it just fits so right. It just seems wrong for me to be in a video making out with some random dude while you just sit on the sidelines. I just don’t see why I have to even kiss anyone, ya know? Why can’t I just dance?” He smiles at me and nods and I lean up to kiss him for a moment. I’m glad he understands. I was honestly afraid that he’d tell me it wasn’t a big deal, that I should just kiss the guy and stop pissing everyone off. But he didn’t say that, he seems to stand by me.

 

He’s staring at me, or rather staring off just a bit from my face. He reaches a hand up and he pats my head. He laughs, “What the hell is up with your hair?”

 

I pout and put my head down against his shoulder trying to pull the mess away from him. It’s kind of sticky from the gel and crap she put in it and it’s huge. Good thing my hair is pretty long already or instead of just having big hair I’d look like I have an afro. “I don’t know. I feel like a lion.”

 

“You look cute.”

 

“That’s the outfit I’m gonna wear.” I point to this thing hanging up on the rack in the corner. The trailer is small and thin, but it goes back a pretty far way. The outfit is this sequin scarf strap thing with tight hot pants. It’s skanky, but it’ll look hot in the video during my dance part. I need to go talk to Darrell about that one dance move and see if I should change it to the newer one we were talking about a few days ago when we met up for practice. He’s probably getting some hot extra’s number right now. Player.

 

“Damn.” He pushes himself up a bit and breathes out the word, staring at the cloth.

 

“I know. Isn’t it enough that I’m wearing practically just a scarf glued to certain parts of my body? They shouldn’t need a kiss. And I know I sound like a ten year old Justin with me whining about kissing some boy. But it’s not really just about that. It’s about for my whole damn career everyone has told me what to do. Told me to go to this interview, do this video this way, make this song this way. I mean I wrote a little on my new album but it was mainly just other people.”

 

He pulls me up against his body as he sits up now and says to me, “You wrote with me.”

 

I blush a little and say to him, “I never told you this, but that was the first time I ever wrote music. Like besides just little verses and melodies in my head or at home on the piano. I had never written it down or made something of it.”

 

“Really?”

 

I shrug. “I thought I sucked. And I think everyone else does, too. They just see a pretty face and a decent voice.”

 

“You’re voice is more than decent. And you’re beautiful.”

 

I stick my tongue out at him, “You have to say that, you’re my boyfriend.” He laughs and rolls his eyes at me. I sigh and move a little off him and he does the same, moving to sit up on the couch. His belt is really uncomfortable today. I’d ask him to take it off, but that might seem awkward if someone comes in. I put my legs in his lap and he runs his hands over them. “I’m just tired of doing what everyone else tells me to. I know they know more than me and know what’ll sell most. But, just this once I wanna step my foot down.”

 

“But you gotta be careful doing that, ok? I want you to branch out. I know you got talent, Mere. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. But these people do know what they are doing, and you step your foot down too much and they might not like it and they might turn their back.”

 

“I don’t wanna be controlled Justin.” I sigh and lean in and put my arms around his neck again. It just feels go good to do that. “I wanna be like you and just do whatever the hell I want.”

 

“Oh girl, they tell me what to do.” He laughs and I pull away and stick out my tongue.

 

“You just don’t listen.”

 

A grin forms on his lips. “Sometimes my ears get stopped up.”

 

I shake my head and touch his face. He didn’t shave this morning, lazy bum. His face is rough to the surface but he looks damn sexy. His sunglasses are still on his head and I pull them off and sit them down on top of the magazines there. I’m glad he hasn’t noticed them yet. “You make it all better.”

 

I kiss him deeply and he pulls away after a moment, laughing.

 

“Your hair is tripping me out.”

 

“Shut up!” I smack his shoulder.

 

A moment passes while I just watch him. He’s thinking and I pull away just a bit and give him a weird look. “I got an idea…” He says quickly and then sighs. “But I’m gonna have to run it by my people first.”

 

“You have people?”

 

He pinches my side lightly and smiles. “Yeah, oompa loompas.”

 

“I want one!”

 

“What if you kissed me?”

 

I smile at him, I don’t know what he means but I like the way his eyes are looking at me. “Right now?”

 

He sucks in a breath and whispers, “Yes…” I kiss him hard. Yeah, I’m trying to turn him on ‘cause Justin, well, he’s sexy all the time but when you get it in his brain and make him a little excited he’s…deadly. But he pulls away quickly, laughing a bit and he pushes himself up a smidge. “…and then what if you kissed me in your video. What if I was the good guy?”

 

I stare at him. He’s serious about this. He’s serious about being in my video, like not just a little bonus cameo. “I love it.” I sigh. “But what about Victor?”

 

He bites his lip and then says, “Can he play the bad guy? Who was the bad guy to begin with?”

 

“Well they weren’t really gonna show him. It’s just this big man in a suit. I seriously think they pulled one of the security cops around this lot into the shoot. They weren’t gonna show his face much. It was only gonna be one clip and then me and hottie Russian boy were supposed to dance and then run through this hallway and stairwell all hot and heavy and then make out at the end. I don’t remember it all. I blocked out after they said, “then you two make out.”

 

He grins at me again and slides down a bit so that I’m hovering above him. He runs his hands over my sides and to my hips. “Would you mind kissing me on camera?”

 

I pout at him and lean my body against him in all the right places just to see what he’d do. “You wanna make a sex tape and sell it, don’t you?”

 

“You weren’t supposed to know!” He moves his hands down to my ass and pushes me into him, kissing me strongly. These are different from the kisses from last night. Last night they were slow and gentle. He’s fucking swallowing me now and I see that he’s got himself a little worked up with all this kissing and camera talk. Little pervert, little fucking sexy pervert.

 

“Mere, I’m sorry…” I hear and pull back quickly and look to the door. Damn, we always get interrupted. I laugh, though. Shanda’s got her head peeped in the door but a hand is covering her eyes. “We gotta come back in, Marc wants to talk. So put on your clothes and put away all the toys.”

 

I laugh and tell her to come in after I pull myself off Justin. He wipes at his mouth and readjusts his jeans and tries to play everything off with a yawn. Silly boy. I grin at Shanda when she finally walks in and she rolls her eyes at me.

 

“Are you ok? I’m hearing rumors…”

 

I look to the door and see that Shanda wasn’t the only one coming in but now there’s a convoy of people. All I can really see is Teddy, in front of me, a little out of breath. “Don’t believe them Teddy. They’re all lies.”

 

He blows a deep breath, making his lips vibrate and then he narrows his eyes at me with a smile. “Like the one about you and horses?”

 

“Oh no, that one’s true.”

 

“You two…” I roll my eyes, I didn’t realize Angie had come in. She can’t stand it when Teddy and I joke.

 

But even she gets interrupted by another voice and Teddy moves out of the way and towards the door. I see Marc approaching. He has a bit of a worried look about him and takes a seat in my make up chair and leans forward. “We gotta make a decision here, Meredith. I don’t have a lot of time to waste. I only have so many shots I can do without you.”

 

“Well what if we changed up the idea a bit,” I say. He opens his mouth to speak but Justin leans forward. It’s amazing to watch him change from the simple quiet guy that I love to this: business man in charge, knowing he can change anyone’s mind to get what he wants.

 

Fuck, it’s sexy.

 

“What if I’m the hero guy, what do you think about that idea? Wouldn’t that cause a stir? And Victor…that’s his name, right? He can be the bad guy and maybe that can give the bad character more of a presence…”

 

“Oh…” Marc thinks for a moment and leans back, nodding and then he looks at us, smiles and waves his hand. “See I thought you two were trying to play it off all cool like you weren’t really together.” He winks.

 

“That’s what everyone would expect, right?” I smile when Justin says that. Yay, I’m doing something crazy in my career that’s gonna ‘cause heads to turn but it’s not fake and its not in a magazine! It’s my actual work. This is exciting and I love Justin for pulling this together for me and making me excited to work today. “Plus…” Justin winks at him. “Who said we’re together?”

 

“I love it.” Marc laughs, “If you guys think its cool that’s fine. I’ll have to run it by some of the crew and talk to Victor and make sure he’s cool with it but I think it’ll be great. I love it.”

 

“Well I don’t love it.”

 

I groan and see she’s still there, leaning against the counter with her arms over her chest. “It’s not your decision, Angie.”

 

“Can I talk to you alone?”

 

It’s silent in the trailer and then Teddy starts to go, “oooo…” Justin laughs and does the same then Shanda chimes in and I narrow my eyes and storm over to her and past her. “Are you gonna put me in detention?”

 

I storm out of the trailer being flooded by sunlight. A few people look at me and I just roll my eyes and turn when I go down the steps in between the other trailer that is close to mine. I stand there and cross my arms and wait for Angie to come bitch me out. “Come here…” I look over and see her standing there. She has a sad look on her face. I just glare at her. “Look…” She sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “Shit Mere, you know I don’t wanna do this. I hate fighting with you. But I’ve known you too long and I really don’t want you messing this up.”

 

“What would I mess up?”

 

She steps forward slowly and comes over to lean against the trailer across from me. “Don’t let him take over. Don’t let him make decisions for you and pull you away from where you need to be.”

 

“Well then who’s gonna make decision for me? Clearly I can’t make them myself.”

 

She runs a hand over her face. I get a good look at her and for a moment I feel bad. She does look like hell, like she’s had more work to do and no time to do it. “I’m not trying to be a slave driver.”

 

“I know, I know you’re just doing your job.” I suck in a breath and realize I need to be a big girl about all this. “I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I’m just tired and stressed out and…Angie...” I whine for a moment and move so that I’m leaning right beside her. This is what I need. I need the manager who’s more like a friend. “Like I have a boyfriend, now. I know it’s the worst thing ever for a career besides a baby, but…it’s life. I’m sorry. I’m not just a robot. I can’t just shut myself off and go into auto-pilot.”

 

She puts her arm around my shoulders and says, “You know I’m happy for you, right?”

 

I nod. She’s been with me for three years. She’s put up with all my drama, all my shit and she knows me very well. I don’t get to see her as much as I use to. She’s not around as much and even though she sometimes makes my nerves frayed, I am glad she’s here to make everything run smoothly. “Angie, I’m not mad at you.”

 

“And I’m not mad at you.” She shakes her head and laughs. “In fact the label will just eat this up, you two together in this video. And I’ll just change my voicemail to say no comment to any question about you because I’ll be getting calls from everyone I’m sure. I’ve already been getting calls from every magazine under the sun.” She rolls her eyes and I smile at her.

 

“And you don’t have to say anything else.”

 

“Have you guys discussed this? Like the press part.”

 

I nod. It’s one of the things we talked about last night about how we want to handle the press. I guess being in a video together all hot and heavy kind of goes back on some of the stuff we said about keeping our life and work separate, but I think if we consider this just a business collaboration then it’ll be fine. What the hell am I talking about? I’m going on that set and I’m gonna get to dance and kiss with my boyfriend, fuck the media, fuck what people think. It’s what I wanna do.

 

“We’re not gonna discuss each other except on a professional level.”

 

“Like that’ll last.” She says sarcastically and rolls her eyes.

 

“I don’t have another interview until the MTV awards, that’s like two or three weeks away. So I won’t have to worry about it until then, ok?”

 

She pauses for a moment and stares at me. “Does he treat you ok?”

 

“He’s fucking wonderful.”

 

“Why’d it have to be Justin Timberlake?” I laugh, I know what she means. If it had just been anyone else off the street or some other minor celebrity it wouldn’t be a big deal, but hooking up with Justin isn’t just hooking up with him. It’s hooking up with all the fame and the press and hype and everything else that surrounds his image. But I’m ready for that, I don’t care. I’ll deal with that and much more if it means I get to be with him. “Have you been with him all this time?”

 

“Just since I went to New York.”

 

“But not since you recorded?”

 

I shake my head. It’s the truth, but in a way it’s a bit of a fib ‘cause my mind’s been with him since then and so has my heart. I guess it’s a little pathetic and girly and cheesy, but I don’t think there’s been a day gone by that I haven’t thought of him since I met him. “No…”

 

“Why don’t you tell me this stuff?”

 

I laugh and give her a small side hug for a moment. “’Cause it makes you nervous and you’re too busy to worry about my piddle diddle.”

 

She smiles at me and I’m thankful. It’s the first smile I’ve seen from her in a while. “I’m going to go call Sony.”

 

“Tell them I’m not taking no for an answer.” I laugh and start to walk away from her, knowing I’ve already pushed back the schedule and people are gonna be more pissed if I don’t get this thing done. I’m ready to work, I’m ready to do this.

 

“Ok, boss.” She laughs.

 

I watch her pull out her phone and walk back from in between the trailers before running up the steps to mine and swinging open the door. “Yay!”

 

“Are you in trouble?”

 

I shake my head at him and do a stupid little dance that makes him laugh. “Nope.”

 

“Hey…” I stop and look up. Shanda points to the chair with a brush. “Get your ass over here.”

 

I plop down and she swings me around and retouches up my hair for a moment before starting to work on make up. “When does she get to put on the sparkly thing?”

 

I laugh and see him come over and sit up against the counter, smiling at me and swinging his legs underneath him so that the back of his sneakers hit the cabinet there. Shanda works on putting a powder on my face and pulls away and eyes him carefully, “What’s with you and girls with just sparkles on? Some kind of fetish?”

 

“Oooo…” I laugh, thinking back on that little outfit his ex-girlfriend wore during some performance. I remember watching that and thinking I could do so much better than her. Now I realize that I was being ridiculous and had so much work to do at the time. But I’ve done my work and now, now I’m climbing the top and my dreams are coming true and I have a great man by my side to see me to the top. Life’s good, real good and this morning I forgot that for a bit and I need to make sure I keep my blessings at the front of my mind.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” He clears his thought a bit embarrassed and points to my head before looking at Shanda, “What’s with that nappy hair? Some kind of fetish?”

 

I giggle.

 

“Mr. Timberlake…” She pulls away and gives him a sack load of attitude. Shanda’s great, she always makes me laugh. “We haven’t officially been introduced, but this is what we call Diva Hair. And don’t act like you ain’t never seen it. I’ve been around this business. I remember the ‘Nsync Fro.”

 

“Ahhh, the fro!” I point to him and laugh. Oh god, the memories of being a senior in high school flood me. “I use to love JC back then.”

 

“Hey!” He pouts at me and I smile and turn the chair a bit, slip off my flip flops and push my feet up against the counter by him wiggling my toes.

 

“Rub my feet.”

 

Justin’s mouth drops and he looks at Shanda for a minute before scooting over and picking up my foot and putting pressure in the center of it. He better not tickle me. “Man, she’s bossy today.”

 

“Tell me about it.” Shanda finishes putting on my foundation and then works for a moment on my eyes. I love how fast she is with everything. It’s almost like she can wave her magic wand and I immediately look stylish. She’ll add a little more after I get my outfit on. “You ready to change?”

 

“Yup…” I nod.

 

“Excuse us, Justin.”

 

I shake my head and say, “He can stay.”

 

“Oh…” Shanda laughs and goes over to the rack and pulls off the scarf outfit. I hope I can wear panties. I hate it when she puts me in things that are so tight I can’t wear underwear. I always feel like a hooker like that. “Y’all all like that now, all right. That’s cool.” She comes back over and I take off my top and smack Justin’s hand when he says something about helping me out of the rest of my clothes. I point to him and then the couch. He pouts and goes and lays down on it. “Ya know with me and you and Justin in here by ourselves I bet there’s gonna be a rumor that we’re having a threesome.”

 

“Let’s make sex noises!” I exclaim and watch as Justin covers his face with his hand.

 

“You’re such a tease.”

 

I smile at him and throw my bra at him after I take it off. I turn around but realize I’m not really covering myself with the mirror right there. He smiles at me and I look at him through the mirror. “Oh you just wait ‘til we get out on set, baby.”

 

“Ok ok, enough!” Shanda comes over and turns me so I’m facing Justin and then puts herself in between me and his line of sight. “Let me put this on you before you guys rip it off.”

 

It’s amazing how relaxed it is, how we all just talk and Justin lays there until Trace knocks and tells him he needs to get ready. Apparently when I was having my conversation with Angie he had made all the calls he needed and Johnny and Jive thought it was a great idea. When he leaves Shanda gives me a hug and tells me she’s happy for me, which is weird ‘cause Shanda isn’t all that affectionate. She’s girly and we have a great time together but I don’t know if she’s ever just out of the blue hugged me like that. And it makes me realize that no matter what Angie was saying this morning, and no matter how much press and tabloid rumors come out, being with Justin is not a bad thing. In fact there’s nothing bad about it at all.

 

I think, I think he’s good for me. He’s making me think for myself and step out of my mold and he makes me happy, so fucking happy. And while I’ve never been really a depressed person I can assure you I’ve never in my life been as happy as I am right now. I smile, and it won’t go away because I just know that with him it can only get better from here.

Lot 14 outside of Studio B, 2:22 a.m.

 

I sip on my coffee, amazed how cold it can get at night here in LA. I guess it is in the middle of a desert. I’m use to New York where in the summer it’s hot, in the winter it’s cold and that’s it. Here in LA it’s always sunny, always hot but then random nights like this can give you insane chills. It’s a different type of cold than winter cold. It’s not bitter or bone chilling, but it can surprise you. At least I was able to swipe this hoodie from Meredith. I don’t think it’s hers, though. It smells like cologne and it’s huge. But she offered it and it made me a little more willing to run out to the 7-11 and get her a couple cans of RedBull and some snacks. All they had as far as coffee was this flavored shit. It’s cappuccino flavored water, completely disgusting, but it’s caffeinated and hot.

 

I feel like crap. I couldn’t eat all day and finally now that I’ve gone to the store I start to starve. I stuffed down a bag of KC Masterpiece chips and had a pack of Starburst on the ride back. Now I’m drinking my coffee, and it’s probably not the best idea, especially when my stomach was so empty. I just, I couldn’t eat earlier, not with Angie there looking at my every movement. I was afraid if I did eat then maybe she would yell at me and tell me I was doing wrong and should be worshipping Meredith. It’s like that’s what she expects me to do.

 

But my appetite had been fairly non-existent since last night.

 

It was a strange, strange day. Neither Meredith nor I knew she was going to show up and at first I thought Mere was more terrified than I was. She immediately started grilling both of us into the ground about all the drama that had been happening. An uproar of tabloid press had hooked onto Meredith and Justin and Angie felt the need to rub it in her face. I tried to stay out of it and tried to not pay much attention, I had more important things on my mind. Once Mere and her went and talked they suddenly became buddy buddies again and I was shocked.

 

Angie started to enjoy the video premise, especially after Sony ate up the idea. Her and Justin seemed to get along. She was even talking to Trace at one point and laughing. I’m not going to touch that subject. But she ignored me for the rest of the day, except to tell me that Meredith needed me to go get her a lunch plate at the catering tent and that I needed to make a phone call to get Mere an appointment at some designer’s workshop for a dress for the MTV awards show that’s coming up. I don’t know. I guess Angie isn’t so bad. After the initial bitch that she was this morning she turned more into the woman that I had first met. She was very professional with everyone, very down to business, but also very fun, or at least with everyone else. Plus, I fucked up a lot today with minor things, so I don’t really have an excuse. She has every right to be pissed at me.

 

I’m thankful Mere has been forgiving and understanding. She wants to know if I’m ‘ok’, if I need to ‘talk’. I told her I was fine, just cramping. She laughed and said I must be on a 14 day cycle. I didn’t find it too humorous. But I fake laughed so she’d get off my back and not know that the real reason I was so fucked up in the head was standing fifteen feet on the other end of the trailer, laughing with Justin about something.

 

At least I’ve done a pretty good job of ignoring him and he hasn’t said a word to me, hasn’t even looked my way to glare or flip me off or tell me I’m a cock-teasing bitch. No, he’s acted like I don’t even exist. I guess it hurts worse than if he was blatantly angry with me, but I guess I deserve it. No, no it doesn’t hurt. I’m not attached like that. I’m really not. It must just be stress.

 

I’m tired and I wish I could go home. I wish when Angie left a few hours ago I could have gone with her, but I couldn’t. I stayed because it’s my job. Soon afterward Meredith had some shots to do with Justin. She was thrilled about them, squealing to me and Shanda about how hot he was looking that day and how they were going to put him in a suit. Justin and his crew busted into the trailer soon after so they could go on set together. Trace was going to go watch them do the shoot and Shanda decided she wanted to watch, too. It was a big deal, a big audience formed just to see Meredith and Justin dancing all sexy together. I thought it was kind of ridiculous and didn’t understand why people cared so much. So when she asked me to go to the store for her and Justin I agreed.

 

It was nice to get away from everything and everyone.

 

I take in a deep breath, holding the two bags of drinks and junk food in one hand and my coffee and purse in the other. I have the keys in my mouth because I was trying to hold onto everything when I shut the door and well, it was just very complicated. I like to pretend that I’m smooth at times, but I’m such a klutz and I’m trying so hard not to drop anything. I’ll be happy when I can set this stuff down, finish my crappy fake coffee and lay down on that horrible green couch and pass out until it’s time to go home. A nap will be so nice and relaxing and…

 

“That’s my shirt!”

 

I jump and coffee spills out of the little no-spill lid and gets on my hand a little. I curse and drop the keys on the pavement and suck on my hand to get the hot liquid off. I hope to God that’s not him. If it is I’m going to kill Meredith for putting me in his sweatshirt. She did smile kind of weird when she handed it to me. I suck in a breath and move the bag to hang over my wrist and I try to bend down and pick up the keys. But two shoes stop before me and a nice pair of slacks hiding skinny long legs lead up to a frowning pop star.

 

I say a silent, thankful prayer that it’s Justin and not Trace. They really do sound more a like than I realized. It’s scary almost. Trace has a deeper voice, but at times their accents are perfectly the same. For all their physical differences they really are twins.

 

I groan when the bag starts to hurt my wrist and I have a hard time reaching the keys. “Will you just pick those up for me?” I stand up straight and look at him. He’s towering over me with a glare in his eyes.

 

“That’s my shirt.”

 

I roll my eyes. What does he think I did? Steal it so I could wear it and be all Justin-ated? Please. He’s annoying. “I didn’t know that. Meredith gave it to me because I was cold. I thought it was hers. She claimed it was.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Yeah, oh. Dumbass. He really is stupid sometimes. “Could you help me out here a little bit?”

 

He sighs and mumbles, “I gotta get to set.”

 

I thrust the plastic bag at him. “I think you can help me walk 100 feet, or are you too much of a prissy pop star to be able to help your girlfriend’s assistant?”

 

“Ok, God.” He snatches the bag and rolls his eyes and starts to stomp off. What a three year old! I snap up my keys and march after him. I’m going to force him to have a conversation with me. I haven’t done a damn thing to him and this is more than him just being uncomfortable with strangers. He’s hung out with all the extras all day and he didn’t know any of them! What’s so damn bad about me! What’s so wrong with me that he can’t at least be civil and kind?

 

“So how’s the shoot been so far?” I say as I catch up to him. “I know that last scene caused an audience.”

 

“It was fine.”

 

He’s pathetic and boring. I don’t even know why Meredith likes him. I guess he’s different around her. I at least hope so. I don’t know what I’m saying. I know he is. I see how he is with her. I saw them all day together, him picking on her hair and her outfits and kissing in between shoots and trying to pretend once they were out of the trailer like they were nothing more than just friends. They are that couple, that couple that’s annoying and pathetic and cute and makes you jealous for their type of relationship. I hate it. I hate being around them. And it’s sad that I let it get to me this much.

 

It’s even more sad that I let Trace get to me last night.

 

“Just fine?”

 

“Yeah, it was cool.”

 

We reach the trailer in no time and Justin kindly opens the door for me. I’m shocked and I sigh and look up at him. I start to say to him, “Look, I know we don’t really get along but…” I stop, ‘cause sitting there on the couch is Trace, sprawled out, on his cell phone, laughing.

 

Fuck.

 

“What?” Justin nudges me and hands me the plastic bag.

 

“Oh nothing,” I set down my purse and drop the keys into it and shake my head before grabbing the plastic handle. I wish I could just get away from him, both of them, and everything else. “Just never mind.”

 

“You’re late, mister. They came in here looking for you.” Shanda’s voice makes me jump. Dammit, that man puts my nerves on edge. And all he’s doing is lying there, ignoring me.

 

“What?”

 

“On the set, go. Mere’s already out there.”

 

Justin runs a hand over his short hair and turns on his heels when Shanda points to the door. “Oh shit.”

 

“Here, take this for Mere.” I reach in the back and hand him two cans of the energy drink. “I think this one is for you, too. Tell her I got her food here.”

 

“Oh ok.” He looks dumfounded for a moment and then nods at me. “Thanks.”

 

Then the door shuts, and I thank God that Shanda is there and I’m not forced to be alone with him any more than I have to. I fish around in the bag just to look busy for a moment and then glance up at him, to see what he’s doing.

 

He’s staring right at me.

 

I gulp.

 

“Hey Courtney…” I cut my eyes over to Shanda and sigh. Seriously, thank God she’s here. I walk over, push myself up on the counter and sip on my coffee, eyeing Trace who’s now picked up one of the magazines Angie left. He’s still on the phone but talking very low. Shanda’s in the makeup chair, putting things away in a bag.

 

“What’s up?”

 

She sighs and throws a brush in her bag and then snaps it shut. I notice now that the clothing rack is emptied and there’s a small suitcase zipped up behind the chair. “I’m about to head on out ‘cause there onto the last shot for today. Tell Mere she can just keep the outfit she’s wearing, ‘cause she was flipping about it when I put it on her earlier. Also, make sure she knows to give me a call and leave me a message if she needs me again tomorrow. Hopefully, they might actually wrap it up this evening but I’m not sure.”

 

“Do you know how many more shots they got?”

 

She shrugs. “Like one or two.”

 

That’s great news. Right now I could think of nothing better than resting in bed. “Good, I’m getting tired.”

 

“You look it.” Well thanks. I hate when you say something like that, like ‘I don’t feel good’ or ‘I’m tired’ and someone agrees with you. It doesn’t really help your mood. She stands up, throws a purse over her shoulder and grabs the makeup bag in her hand. “Alright, see ya girl. Here, make sure she washes her face. Tell her I don’t care how tired she is. I don’t want her having zits I have to cover up. Give her this and she can do it on the ride home.” She hands me a small little bottle of some French brand cleaning wipes. I can’t even pronounce the name.

 

“Ok, thanks Shanda.”

 

“No prob.” She leans and picks up the handle to the suitcase and lets it roll behind her for a moment before stopping, turning, and saying, “Oh…” She smiles at me and whispers: “he was asking where you were earlier.”

 

“Who?” She widens her eyes for a moment and glances over to the couch. Shit. She smiles and laughs. “Later girl. See ya Tracie.”

 

I suck in a breath and push myself off the counter and sit in the now vacant chair. “Call me about Friday, girl.”

 

I look in the mirror at him and he’s staring at Shanda and making a lewd gesture with his tongue and his fingers at her. I knew he was just a stupid pervert little man. Ugh. Why did I even let him get near me? Why did I even invite him in?

 

“You perv.” She laughs and then the door smacks shut.

 

And I’m all alone. With him.

 

I try to play it off at first, but then I find myself staring at him through the mirror. He’s still reading some damned magazine, no longer on his phone. I find myself trying to do something. I look down at my nails and pick them, glance at my watch. I go over to that bag of food, but remember everything in there is Mere’s and she’ll probably be screaming for it when she comes back. I finish off my coffee, throw it in the trash can. I sigh, thinking he’ll notice me and say something.

 

But he doesn’t. He just looks really into the article he’s reading.

 

Asshole.

 

But the thing is. I can’t blame him for the way he’s acting. I know last night was my fault. I mean we both overreacted, but I started it. I was the one setting the mood. I know I was the one initiating the flirting. I know I was pretty much begging for it. But I got scared and, well I was too chicken to tell him that. I don’t want him seeing me that way. I don’t want him to know that I’m weak.

 

So I acted like a child and probably look weaker in his eyes now than I would have if I had been totally honest. Up until this point my actions with Trace have been pathetic and elementary. I know it’s been a while since I’ve had dealings with men, but I use to do it all the time. I’m not some scared, naïve little girl.

 

And it’s time for me to start acting like a grown up.

 

I swirl around from where I’ve been sitting in the chair, staring at him through the glass and slap my hands on my knees. “Can we talk…”

 

He doesn’t look at me, doesn’t jump, doesn’t even miss a beat, just flips a page of the magazine. “Sure, I’ve been doing it since I was one or two.”

 

That kind of pisses me off. “Let’s cut the jokes and the bull shit and figure this out.”

 

The magazine snaps closed angrily and gets flung onto the floor. He still doesn’t look at me, but crosses his arms over his chest and stares up at the ceiling, scowling. “Figure what out Courtney? You going psycho on my ass and kicking me out of your house over something insignificant? I think I can figure that out.”

 

“It…It wasn’t insignificant!” I run my hands through my hair and take it out of the pony tail holder. It feels good. It’s been like that for almost eighteen hours. I shake my hair out a bit and see that now he’s looking at me. Oh great, so if I just changed my hairstyle he would have noticed me before. I bite my tongue. Stop it Court, don’t pull out that attitude again. “Look, I admit it. I acted like a child last night. I was upset and confused and I took it all out on you and I’m really sorry about that.”

 

He sits up on the couch and stretches out his legs, arms still over his chest, but now he’s looking directly at me, and he’s not smiling. “You did act pretty fucking ridiculous. I mean, it was a fucking kiss, its not like I asked you to have my baby or something.” But then his face changes. He sighs, looks down at his lap and uncrosses his arms. “But I guess I kind of overreacted, too.”

 

I sigh and shake my head. “We shouldn’t have done that.”

 

“What? Kiss?” His face makes me want to smile. He suddenly looks like a lost puppy or a little boy who just heard he couldn’t play in that afternoon’s ball game. “Why not?”

 

I grin at him. “’Cause it made us both mad.”

 

“No, it made you mad and then that made me mad. I happened to thoroughly enjoy the kissing part.” He laughs, glances at me and then looks away and yawns. He’s such a horrible actor.

 

“Why did you kiss me anyway?”

 

He laughs again and this time stares straight at me. His eyes are dark, like deep chocolaty brown. He has a nice smile, too. A really nice one. And a good laugh. It’s deep and makes you want to smile with him. It’s not one of those annoying laughs that’s too breathy or high pitched. “I have no fucking idea.”

 

“Then what was going on in your head?”

 

He pats the space beside him on the couch and I just stare at him. I’m not sure it’s the best idea for us to be that close when we’re talking about sex. Well, ok we’re not talking about sex. We’re talking about kissing but… Shit. I take a breath. And he says, “Look, I’m not gonna do it again, so don’t worry about it.”

 

That’s not what I meant. Like, I didn’t mind kissing him. He was actually a really damn good kisser, very surprisingly. And I guess he’s kind of cute. He really does have a great personality and is hilarious, but I don’t know. I don’t like him, like him. I’m just attracted or something really weird. Maybe I’m going crazy.

 

He’s staring at me and I guess I have some weird look on my face so I stare back at him and say real slowly, “What...what if I want you to do it again? I cringe after I say it ‘cause honestly I didn’t expect that to come out of my mouth.

 

It starts out slow. At first he just stares at me and then he stands up, shakes his head and points a finger at me before throwing up his hands and saying, “Oh hell no, bitch! We’re not playing this shit.”

 

I sigh and cover half my face with my hand. I need some sleep. I really didn’t mean for him to get upset with me. I do not want to argue. I don’t have the energy. “I got freaked out last night.”

 

“Yeah, you did.” The next thing I know he’s standing right in front of me, arms once again crossed over his chest, scowl back on his face. “You went from moaning against me and clutching my shirt and putting your little wine tasting mouth all up on mine to pushing me away and calling me names and accusing me of taking advantage of you. That’s fucked up, Courtney.”

 

I sit up from where I’ve been slouching in the chair so I can defend myself. “I haven’t kissed a guy in like a year! And I’m not supposed to like you. You’re everything I despise and, and…”

 

He starts to smile. “So that means you do like me.”

 

I groan and slide back down in the chair so that I’m practically hanging out of it. I wish it were my bed. I wish I was back at home, all asleep with my pillow underneath my head. I really hope we don’t have to come back here tomorrow morning. “I don’t know.” He’s laughing at me and I realize that once again I’m acting immature. I begin to sit up but I end up moving so that I’m standing up and staring him in the face. “Ok, ya know, fuck this. I’ll just lay it out there. I don’t know if I like you or if this is just that kind of middle school attraction that you have to someone you despise.”

 

“Sexual tension.” He smiles and leans forward for a moment before rocking back on his heels. “Like I mentioned it at the restaurant in Miami and then tried to play it off, but you knew what I was talking about. Didn’t you?”

 

I grin. I’m still wearing Justin’s sweatshirt and I can tell now when Trace leaned into me that they wear the same cologne. They’re such dorks. But it makes me smile. “Yeah, yeah I know.”

 

My grin fades and I’m left with a bit of a shocked expression when he leans into me. Oh my god, is he gonna kiss me again? He can’t just kiss me again! He whispers, “So why don’t we just fuck and get it over with?”

 

I pull away. Of course, right when he’s about to win me over he has to say something stupid like that. He’s pathetic. “Are you serious?” I move around him and go plop on the couch. He’s nuts. Does he really think he can just throw that out there and I’ll be ok with it!?

 

“Oh come on! Why not?”

 

I stare at him. He’s laughing at me, actually fucking laughing at me. Now I cross my arms over my chest and pull my legs up underneath me Indian style. The truth comes out: he just wants me for sex. Well, I guess it’s something. “I’m not like that. I don’t know where you would get that impression.”

 

He shakes his head and smiles at me. “I’ve thrown out trying to get any impressions off you, girl. ‘Cause you surprise me every damn day with something new and unexpected.”

 

“I’m not into one night stands or meaningless sex.”

 

I shake my head and eye him carefully. He seemed genuine with his comment but at times I have a hard time figuring him out. I guess I am kind of a paradox. I’m down to business but I do like to have fun. Actually I haven’t had a lot of fun in a while. Before I got this job all the fun in my life had been sucked out of me. Now, now it’s starting to creep back and I’m glad. And I know I can be uptight and by the book, but in my free time I like to be spontaneous. Ok. So, I’m not that spontaneous, but I’m also not just some hermit, book worm who doesn’t want a life. I want a life.

 

I want a life badly. And I want friends and relationships. But not the kind he’s asking for. I’m…I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready to be that intimate with him, with anyone.

 

Now it would feel good. Oh shit, would it feel good to have sex with him. Well, ya know, just in general. Not just with him. With anyone…

 

Fuck it. I admit it. I like him. I really do. I don’t know why I like him and I don’t know why I keep wanting to hide it. But I guess I, I like him. I’m not saying I would go to Vegas with him tomorrow, but ya know, he’s not that bad. And he’s kind of cute.

 

And, and he can kiss…really, really, really fucking well.

 

He sighs and plops down next to me on the couch. He’s too close to me but I don’t want to move away from him. He rolls his head to me and smiles, “But you will admit you need to get laid.”

 

I smack him in the arm. “Don’t make fun of me!”

 

Shit, I guess I’m more like Meredith than I realized.

 

He leans even closer to me and says, “Friends with benefits is never a bad thing, Court.”

 

I correct him. He might think he’s being sexy but I can’t afford to fall for that right now. We haven’t finished discussing all this. “Friends with benefits is always drama waiting to happen. We’re not having sex Trace. I’m being honest. I did want you to kiss me the other night. Half of me was craving it. The other half was terrified that I would actually like it.”

 

His eyes don’t blink and they look right at mine. “You liked it.”

 

I turn away from him. He’s getting to be a little too dangerous to look at. “I more than liked it and so I had to push you away. I can’t afford to have some crush. And I don’t even like you romantically so don’t think that. This tension or whatever it is between us, I just can’t have that fucking up my career. I’m getting to the point where I’m almost, loving this job. It’s getting to be what I thought PA life would be.”

 

He smiles and pulls back a bit. “Told ya Mere wasn’t bad.”

 

“She’s…” I laugh. He was right. He was right about almost everything in the beginning. Of course I got in some shit for what he advised me to do, but he was right nonetheless. Mere’s not bad at all. And I’ve been having a pretty good time getting to know her over the past few weeks. I haven’t seen much of her this week because I know she’s been hanging out with Justin a lot. But still. She’s, she’s pretty damn cool. Still has a lot of growing up to do but I know she’ll learn that as time goes on. “Ya know she’s actually great and kind of opening up a side of me that I lost a long time ago.”

 

I hear him take in a sharp breath and I look over at him and he’s staring at me like I’m a ghost. “What happened to you?”

 

“What?” Whoa, what happened to me? What happened to you? Complete 180. Is my nose bleeding or something?

 

“You weren’t like raped or beaten or something, were you?”

 

I actually laugh. I know I shouldn’t but I do, and my eyes widen and I can’t believe he just fucking asked me that. “Wow. You have no tact.”

 

He swallows noticeably. “You were?”

 

I laugh harder. “No!”

 

“Whew… Good, ‘cause I was scared there that I was getting involved with drama I don’t even want to touch!”

 

I smack him again. He’s impossible. “You’re so fucking rude! What if I had been like, hurt that way? You’d just walk away like,” I mock his deep voice. “‘Sorry bitch, can’t help you there?’”

 

He nods eagerly. “Pretty much. I’d probably just mess you up even more and say the wrong thing.”

 

I laugh some more and he starts smiling at me and laughing a little bit with me. It feels good. Maybe that flavored caffeine coffee thing is starting to work. I feel a little more awake and a little less run down. Or maybe, maybe it’s just getting along with him that puts me in a better mood.

 

I look at him and he’s shaking his head and yawning. It starts to get rather warm in the trailer so I pull off the sweatshirt and toss it over onto the chair and then straighten my button down shirt underneath. He stares at me the whole time and I just roll my eyes at him.

 

It’s quiet for a long while and that awkward silence starts to make my brain think about things that I’ve been wondering for a few weeks. After a while I finally say, “Will you tell me something honestly?”

 

“Of course.”

 

I take in a deep breath and close my eyes. I have to ask. I just have to and I know he’s gonna get upset because I’m bringing up a subject that made us fight one time. I can tell this is a bad topic for him, but if he’s been this blunt and honest with me so far I need to keep pushing. “I’m gonna sound like a bitch, but were you really engaged?”

 

It’s quiet for a moment and I open my eyes just to make sure he’s not about to slit my throat. He’s staring down at his hands, pursing his lips. His eyes get this glassy look, but he doesn’t move his gaze from his fingers. Then he nods. “Yeah. She broke up with me for her old boyfriend last fall. We had the place set and I had the honeymoon all booked and everything.” He lifts his head and smiles at me but I wouldn’t call it a happy smile. “And for your information, you’re just the second girl I’ve kissed since her. I hooked up with this random chick a couple months ago but, I think she just wanted Justin.”

 

“Do you get that a lot?”

 

He laughs again and once again it’s not very happy. It’s actually starting to depress me and I have to wonder if this jovial, crude, joking man is really actually pretty upset on the inside. “More than you know. I almost have to wonder sometimes if Elisha was just dating me because I was connected to Justin. He swears she never came onto him, but I don’t know. I just don’t know why she put up with me for so long if she didn’t really love me.”

 

“So it hurt…”

 

He interrupts me. “She broke my fucking heart. I wanted to marry her, Courtney. I swear I was never, ever the marrying type. I was the bachelor who wanted to have fun and fuck around for my life. And I met her and I was like, that’s it. Gotta marry her. Gotta settle down. I wanted to have kids with her and build a house and a life.”

 

He looks like he might cry and suddenly I realize how huge of a bitch I’ve been to him. How ridiculous I’ve been towards him, how impatient and judgmental. He says that he stopped having impressions on me because I shocked him. Well, he just shocked the hell out of me.

 

Who knew Trace Ayala had an emotional side? Who knew he actually cared?

 

“Shit.”

 

“I’m getting over it.” He sighs and shrugs.

 

It’s quiet for a long time. I think about him while he clears his throat and shifts in his seat, thinking how much pain and heart ache he’s been put through. How, now I realize we have a bit more in common than I thought. We’ve both been fucked over by people we were in love with. His phone rings at one point and he looks at the ID and then puts it back down, not answering it. I think about how I’ve treated him from the moment we met. How he treated me. How from that first fucking moment it was awkward and there was tension. It’s kind of weird actually. I’m not gonna say anything about fate, but it’s a weird situation all around.

 

I’m glad were now able to sit down and talk this all out in a civilized manner. “So what do we do about us?”

 

“I don’t know. I kind of feel like the ball is in your court, Court.” He smiles and his eyes brighten and he laughs. “Ha ha, get it…”

 

I roll my eyes. “That was really pathetic.”

 

He sticks his tongue out at me and puts his arm over the back of the couch behind my shoulders. “What would you wanna do?”

 

I take a breath and turn a little on the couch to face him. “Just, don’t push me, ok? And don’t think that I want to like get involved with you as far as dating, or in an actual relationship type thing. We’ve admitted that there’s some attraction and so I don’t know. I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want us just being pissed off all the time at each other.”

 

“What if we were just honest with each other?” He leans forwards and smiles and it makes me smile because well, the way he’s looking at me is like I’m the only girl in the world. It’s that look Justin gives to Meredith, that look I’ve been so jealous of. “If I wanna kiss you, I’ll tell you and vice versa. If you aren’t feeling it, then fine. I won’t be such an asshole all the time, either. But you gotta not be so quick to go into psycho bitch mode.”

 

I laugh and agree with him. “Ok. I think I can manage that.”

 

He bites his lip, scoots closer and leans in. I know whets about to come out of his mouth. It makes me anxious. But I kind of like it. “So right now, if I said I wanted to try last night over again, what would you say?”

 

I curl up my lip in a smile and narrow my eyes at him. “Are you trying to be sexy, Trace?”

 

“Is it working?”

 

He leans closer and I know I should lean back and not give into him. But I just stay stationary and watch as he gets closer to me. “No…”

 

He’s so close now. He laughs just a bit and whispers, “Yes it is.” And he kisses me. It’s soft and it’s slow and he reaches up his hands and holds my face with both of them and then moves them to my neck and then my shoulders and pulls me up against him, kissing me just a bit deeper.

 

And then he pulls away and I have to catch my breath. I don’t know if it’s just because he’s a good kisser or if it’s because it’s been so long for me, but I just stare at him and I try not to let myself feel anything deeper than I should. It was just a kiss, that’s it.

 

That’s…that’s it.

 

He smiles. “That wasn’t so bad.”

 

“No, no it wasn’t.”

 

He looks up for a moment at my hair and runs his hand over it. Wow. He’s, he’s actually being sweet. I expected horney Trace. I expected sexy Trace. But never did I expect sweet Trace. Not this. “Do you want to try it again or is that enough for one night?”

 

“No. I mean, I do but…” My entire body is taken over in a yawn and a stretch. I slouch back down and sigh and smile at him. “…I might fall asleep.”

 

He grins and leans back against the other side of the couch. He lets one leg hang off the couch and the other is bent and up against the back of the lumpy cushions. He pats his chest and moves the hat he had been wearing backwards over to the front to sort of shield his eyes. “Then lean over here, girl.”

 

I start to. I start to lean against him and I think about how great it’s going to feel to do that. I haven’t done that, I guess cuddling or whatever it’s called, in so fucking long. Just to lie against him and close my eyes and relax will feel like heaven. He doesn’t even have to hold me or say anything or do anything and I’ll be so fucking happy.

 

But I don’t get the chance. Before I’m able to move, the door opens fast, quietly and then shuts again in the same manner. Trace cranes his neck around and stares at what I’m staring at.

 

I can’t believe they don’t even realize we’re in here. Where else do they think we’d be? Maybe they just don’t give a shit.

 

Whoa, he just grabbed her ass. I really don’t think they know or either they really don’t care. She’s got him pushed up against the wall, her hands in his shirt, which for a little girl like Mere is pretty hilarious. They’re kissing like it’s the end of the world and oh my god, they’re moaning. Like sex moans. She’s unbuttoning his shirt and he’s pulling up the long shirt she was wearing to reveal the black leather hot pants below. He grabs her there again and pulls her flush against him. Now she’s taking off his shirt, forcing it down over his arms leaving him in just a tank top. I hope they weren’t making out for the world to see outside. Trace looks at me and puts a finger up to his lips.

 

But I can’t help it. I cover my mouth with my hand, but when Justin starts making these little groaning bear noises and Meredith starts to laugh and says something like ‘does the big boy wanna come play,’ I bust out laughing. I literally curl up on the couch and bury my face into the cushion and laugh my eyes out. And I really don’t know why. I guess they were being pretty stupid and ridiculous all into each other, but I guess in another way I’m just so happy that Trace and I have come to a point where we understand each other.

 

Trace yells, “Damn, get a room!” And I look up to see two famous pop stars staring back at us. Mere’s hair is completely a ruined mess and the lower part of Justin’s face looks like a two year old who tried on their mother’s lipstick.

 

She pulls away and Justin stays close behind her with a bit of an embarrassed look on his face. She puts her hands on her hips. “What were you guys doing, just watching us!”

 

“Court, hide the camera.”

 

I laugh and after a moment Justin snatches up his shirt off the floor and comes over by us. He flips Trace off. “Smart ass, get our shit together. We’re going home.”

 

“Thank God.” He groans and pushes himself up off the couch.

 

Mere goes over to her little bag that’s there in the corner and pulls out her phone and looks at it and then throws it back in the bag. She stands up and says, “I know! Let’s all go over to Justin’s and have a sleep over.”

 

“I love how you just invite yourself over. I might have plans, chick.” He shakes his head at her and I just sit there, thankful that this day is over. Trace is already gathering all his stuff that he had sprawled out in the trailer. They had kind of made camp here in Mere’s trailer. Justin still had his own and I know there was some of his clothes over there they still had to get, but they spent most of their time here.

 

I watch as she walks over to him and puts a hand back on her hip again, poking him in the chest. “What kind of plans?”

 

“Might have a hot date.” He shrugs, clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and then flashes out his hand and grabs her side making her squeal. She smacks at his hand and he laughs. “Get cha stuff and let’s go, babe.”

 

She smiles at me and waves at me to come on. “Come on Court, I’m sure they-“

 

“You go on,” I say. “I need to get back to my place.”

 

“Oh come on, Justin’s house is closer…” She whines.

 

Suddenly there’s a presence close to me and Trace is sitting right by me, zipping up his book bag. “Yeah, it’ll be fun.”

 

“Nah, go on…” I smile at Mere and she pouts. “And if you need a ride back tomorrow morning give me a call.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, here…” I get up off the couch because I know that the longer I sit by him the more I’ll want to go with them, and I’m not sure what would happen with Trace and I if I slept over at Justin’s. I know he lives there and I know he’d offer his bed. And I just, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I go to the counter where I had my stuff and hand her the bag and the little French container. “Shanda said to wash your face with this and here’s your snacks.”

 

“Aww, you’re the best.” I’m suddenly being hugged around the neck and a bright smile is staring me in the face. “I’ll call you tomorrow, ok? Be careful driving.” The smile fades and that pout comes out again. “You sure you don’t wanna come back? We can have a drink or go swimming or watch a movie.”

 

I laugh. “Yes, I’m sure!” I shake my head, turn her around and push her towards Justin. “Would you go and have fun and be safe and stop worrying about me?” Honestly, I’d actually like to go and have friends and a life and socialize and have fun. But right now I don’t trust myself with him.

 

She looks back over her shoulder for a moment and smiles before hopping up on Justin’s back and whining ‘carrying me.’ He makes some smart ass crack about him being an old man and her weighing a ton. She smacks his shoulder and slides off him. Trace eyes me carefully as they start to file out and I haven’t even really started to get any of my shit together. I know he wants me to stay with him and well, I guess a big part of me wants to, too.

 

But just, I can’t. Not yet.

 

Tonight was a big step for me and I hope he knows that and I hope he understands it. And I hope he doesn’t push me further than I’m willing to go.

 

The bad part is, I’m afraid I might be willing to go farther than I really, truly realize.

Kroger, 3:15 p.m.

 

My girlfriend has a nice, tight ass. Like, it’s small, but so is she, and it looks so damn good in her jeans right now. And the best part is that I know what it looks like underneath those jeans. I know what she looks like underneath all those clothes. And my little girl is hot, damn hot. My desire for her is starting to get out of control. I’ve wanted her from the moment I saw her, but now, now that we’ve, ya know, done stuff and ever since that night at my pool things have gotten pretty damn serious, and I’ve been having a damn hard time controlling myself.

 

I’m actually pretty shocked that I was able to control myself that night. Swimming naked with her, having her body against mine and then laying on a chair with her in between my legs, just talking with me, well I’m actually proud of myself for being able to carry on a conversation with her, a meaningful one and not being too overcome with wanting to touch her in between her legs or kiss her all sexy.

 

Her body seriously amazed me that night. Right under her left breast she has this cute freckle and there’s this tiny little scar she has on the right side of her belly button where she said she had to have her appendix taken out when she was a kid. And that tattoo. It’s right on the lower part of her back, right before her ass starts to curve out. And her skin is so soft, like silk. And…and her nipples are the perfect size and color and I know that’s stupid to say but, it’s the truth. Her body is fucking beautiful. My girl, she’s just so damn sexy.

 

I’ve always wanted more from Mere than just sex. I might have been too scared to admit that at first, and the thought still kind of freaks me out. We’ve spent a lot of time together lately and I’m well, I’m starting to get a little nervous ‘cause I’ve been feeling things. And I also got promo coming up and her album is coming out and I’m sure she’ll go on tour and so will I, and we’ll be separated and long distance really sucks. It wouldn’t be so bad if we both weren’t going to be on the road but…

 

It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to get a little paranoid. Something’s gonna mess up. It just has to. This, this is too perfect, too good to last. And I want it to last so bad. I wanna fall in love with her.

 

Sometimes I think I might already have.

 

She’s…she’s really good for me. She makes me happy and satisfied with life and not just searching around for things to do. We can just be together and sit there and not do a damn thing and it’s ok. And her ass is fucking fine. In fact, it’s so fine that I go up behind her where she’s picking up some plums and putting them in a plastic bag. I rub her back for a moment and she doesn’t acknowledge me. My hand travels down and I graze her ass just slightly and squeeze her there quickly.

 

She gasps and turns around and I want to kiss her. I want to kiss her so fucking bad. I don’t care that we are in public. I don’t care that there’s a lady twenty feet away picking out lettuce and her little girl in the front of the cart is just staring at me. I don’t care that this chick I would have graduated from high school with if I hadn’t been in ‘Nsync was at the deli counter and yelled at me when I came in and talked to me and now I know she’s been staring at us, too.

 

I just don’t care.

 

I lean in and she backs away from me at first and then leans in and kisses me really fast before sliding past me and setting the bag in the cart. I turn to follow her and my mother is there, hair pulled back with a hat on and a pad of paper in her hand. She’s always making lists, always of things she needs to buy or do. This is her grocery list but I’m sure there are at least five other lists in that pad somewhere.

 

She sighs and I go over and put my arm around her. It’s great to be home, great to be with her. I really do have the best mother. I mean, at times she annoys me. Hell, I know at times I annoy the shit out of her. She’s not afraid to tell me that either. But there’s something about being here with her, just grocery shopping with her and Mere, that just…it’s like I’m really at home, ya know?

 

And from the moment we got off the plane, she ran and hugged and kissed me and did the same with Trace, and then she looked at Meredith, smiled and gave her a hug and a kiss and I knew, I knew right then and there this was gonna be awesome. My mother has a good intuition and I could tell right off that she liked Meredith. And I could tell Meredith liked her and well, that just makes me really happy. In the past year or so I’ve only brought home one, no two girls.

 

My mom hated them from the moment she saw them and she wasn’t afraid to tell me either.

 

“Now do you guys want me to make Steaks tonight?”

 

I could orgasm at the thought of one of my mother’s steaks. Is that perverted? “Oh my god, please momma.”

 

She laughs and pets me on the shoulder. She’s always laughing at me. It’s great. She makes fun of me like no one else. “Ok baby. Mop up the drool.”

 

Mere comes up and puts her arm around me for a moment. It’s weird, her and my mother both kind of look like twins, both in jeans and tank tops and hats on their heads with their hair pulled back. It’s cute, really it is. “Mmm fruit on sale.” She smiles at me and points to a sign that has buy one get one free for berries or something.

 

“Get whatever you want, darling.” My mother says, dramatically marking off something on the list as she throws a bag of oranges into the cart. “Two little plums isn’t enough! I’m not going to be around for two nights and Justin might starve you so stock up on whatever you want.” She starts to walk off and is talking to herself about whether to get regular cabbage or red cabbage. I just look at my girlfriend and smile. I almost say something to her, like how fucking sexy she looks and how I can’t wait to get home and make out with her.

 

But as soon as I open my mouth I hear a yell, “Justin! Push the cart and stop laggin’. You guys get what stuff you want here. I’m gonna go talk to Dale.” She waves her hand and walks further down the produce section to the back of the store.

 

“Who’s Dale?”

 

Mere pulls away from me and goes to get some strawberries or something. Shit, I wonder if she’s the type of girl that would wanna mess around with food and sex. I bet she would. “The butcher. Mom and him grew up together.”

 

“Well that’s convenient.” Suddenly she’s amazed by the avocados. I probably look like a dumb ass just standing here staring at my girl and her fine ass, but I don’t care. There’s nothing I’d rather be doing. She really is a gorgeous girl. “Ooo, can I get this to make guacamole?”

 

The avocados are in this little fake indigenous-looking food stand. It has all the tropical fruit and shit on it. The cool thing is it kind of blocks the view of everyone in the deli, like that Carla girl and that lady with the kid that was staring at me. You could only see us if you came behind the stand to get to this side of it or if you were trying to get to the potatoes. Well there’s probably cameras but I don’t give a shit. I pull her back against me and lean down to start kissing her neck a little bit. She smells so damn good. I wish we hadn’t agreed to come out with momma on errands. We should have stayed at home, and I should have gone down on her. Damn her skin is like fucking candy. I kiss her up to her ear and whisper, “Whatever you want.”

 

“Oh…” She giggles and puts two avocadoes in a bag. “Well then remind me to get some whipped cream to use on you, I mean the strawberries.”

 

I push myself into her. Little girl is giving me a hard on and she knows it, so I bite her ear and say, “Teasing slut.”

 

She pulls away from me and narrows her eyes, “Cocky mother fucker.”

 

“You like it.”

 

She blushes and giggles. I don’t know, it’s something new we’ve been doing the past three days. We’ve been calling each other these horrible names. She called me a ‘little cock’ the other day and I called her a ‘loose whore’ and we laughed and then made out. I don’t know. It’s kind of hot pretending to be all fake mad and hating each other.

 

We walk over to the cart and she puts the avocados in there along with some tomatoes she picked up. She turns and smiles at me. It’s that smile, that damn fucking smile she keeps giving me. I wanna go home. With her. Now. “So your momma’s leaving tomorrow night?”

 

I grin at her and wink. “It’ll just be me and you and the entire house to ourselves.”

 

She nods and looks past me over to where they have the bagged salads and stuff. “And Court.”

 

“Right…” My smile drops and I follow her gaze and see her there. Khakis pants, button down blouse, hair pulled back, reading the back of the salads, that’s what she’s doin’. Oh yeah right, like a fucking bagged salad needs a calorie count.

 

Freak.

 

Mere smacks my butt with the back of her hand and pushes the cart into me and makes me walk over towards where Courtney is standing. We get close, like not super close, but about ten feet away and Mere says, “Don’t just stand there get something if you want it girly!”

 

She looks at us, seeming a little bit surprised and puts the salad back. She shrugs. “I’ll just eat whatever you guys get.”

 

I look at Meredith and roll my eyes. I receive another smack, this time in the arm. “You know you could be a little nicer,” she mumbles.

 

I scoff a little. I mean, ok, so I guess I could be nicer, but what the hell? I don’t like the girl and I don’t think she likes me so why should I have to put on this fake ass smile and be nice. Why can’t I just ignore her? I don’t trust her. I don’t care if her and Mere are getting to be friends. There’s something about her. From the moment I met her and saw her I just, I didn’t like her. And I know her and Trace are getting to be friends, which tells me that he’s really going through some mental instability. I thought he was getting past all this Elisha bull shit, but clearly he’s latching onto Courtney.

 

And Courtney is not his type. At all. And Mere, well she’s nice and friendly and spends a lot of time with the girl so of course she’s gonna have some sort of affection towards her. But that doesn’t mean I have to.

 

I mean it’s nice enough that I’m letting her stay in my house. “What?”

 

“You make her feel uncomfortable.”

 

“What?” I shake my head. If anyone feels uncomfortable, it’s me. She’s always staring at me like she doesn’t approve or like she’s trying to get into my head. Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe I’ve just been around too many bitches in my life, too many women that just want to get close to me or pull some bull shit on me. But you can’t just make me start trusting her. I feel weird around her and I’ve tried to be nice, tried to change, but every time I look at her I know she’s judging me. “She makes me feel that way. I just don’t trust strangers in my house. Especially here ‘cause, ‘cause this is home.”

 

Meredith rolls her eyes at me and pushes the cart away, glaring. “Fine, then we’ll just go get a hotel and not bother you.”

 

“Mere…” Shit. The last thing I wanna do is piss off my girl. I run up to her and get in front of the cart, putting my hands up in a mock surrender. I’ll deal with Courtney. I’ll fucking deal with her just fine if Mere stays with me at my house. I want Mere to stay with me. ‘Cause ya know, my mom and dad are going out of town and we’ll have the place to ourselves and well, yeah… “It’s fine, ok? I’ll be nice, I swear.”

 

She sticks her tongue out at me and I’m relieved she’s not completely pissed off. I start to say something sexy again, smart ass and sexy about me and her renting a hotel instead, but mom interrupts me again.

 

“Justin, come here…”

 

I turn and see her over by the meat section talking to Dale who’s behind the counter. Dale’s a cool guy, a little strange and there are rumors that he’s gay, but he grew up with my mom and he’s always been really good to her and nice.

 

“Hey Dale, how you doing?” I wave at him and Meredith comes to a halt beside me with the cart.

 

“Good good. You keeping busy out there in California?”

 

I nod. “You know it.”

 

The next thing I know there’s another presence beside me and Courtney is standing right there. Why’s she so fucking close to me? I ignore her and then Dale laughs and says, “Ok, now that’s just not fair that he has two girlfriends, Lynn. Why do I never have such luck?”

 

I laugh and put my arm around Mere, “This is my girlfriend Meredith, and that’s her assistant.” I just nod over to Courtney and rub Mere’s back a little bit.

 

Dale laughs and shakes his head at my mom. “Then why don’t I have an assistant?”

 

“Mere’s also in the business.” My mom is such a dork. She said it in that voice that she uses whenever she’s trying to impress anyone. Dale just laughs at her.

 

“I see. Well I got work to do. You guys enjoy those steaks, ok?” He hands mom a package of white butcher paper with a sticker on it. Mmm, I bet he did get us some good steaks. “Good seeing you, babe.” He smiles at my mom and waves at all of us.

 

“Bye Dale.”

 

We don’t walk too far when Mom turns on her heels and says, “Oh, is Trace coming over? Do I need to get a steak for him, too?”

 

I can hear Courtney suck in a breath behind me. She needs to get over her crush or whatever for Trace ‘cause it’s not gonna last and he’ll break her heart and then we’ll have to deal with it. And like I said, she might do something stupid, ‘cause I don’t trust that girl.

 

I grit my teeth for a moment and then take a breath, “No momma, he’s having dinner with his family.”

 

She nods, looking at her list and blindly walking into the aisle with all the soup and pasta shit. Suddenly she turns and says to me, “Oh dammit, Justin go get me a bag of potatoes. I forgot.” I don’t hear her at first ‘cause I’m looking at these big bones they have for dogs. I bet my dogs would like them. Barbequed flavored? Like a dog would know. It’s so weird how people advertise dog food like the owner would want to eat it. Weird. “Justin!” I look up and say ‘huh.’ Mere is laughing at me and my momma is jerking the cart from my hands. She rolls her eyes at me. “Dammit son, you aren’t any good with this. We’ll take the cart and you come find us.”

 

I laugh. “Momma, you know I get lost in these places.”

 

I feel a hand on my chest and see that Mere is looking up at me with a bright smile under the bill of her hat. It’s actually my hat, this old red Pony one. I don’t wear it any more so I gave it to her ‘cause she wanted a “cool hat” to wear around. “I’ll help him.”

 

She pushes me back towards the produce and I pinch her sides and pout. “Don’t make fun of me.”

 

She turns, bites her lip and pulls me toward her. We’re back over by the avocados again. “I wanted to get you alone for a while.”

 

She kisses me and I pull back and look around, not seeing anyone looking but still a bit nervous. Like, when I’m teasing her its cool ‘cause I’m in control, but sometimes with Mere I don’t know what she’s gonna do. It’s exciting as hell and she’s always surprising me, but right now she looks like she wants to get down on her knees and do something right here in the supermarket. And as much as I’d love it, my mom wouldn’t and Johnny wouldn’t and I’m sure her manager Angie wouldn’t.

 

Angie’s a pretty cool girl. I mean, for one of those stuck up business people type. We had a long talk when we were filming that video and she’s been around for a while in the business and seems to really care about Mere. Oh, and that video….boy, was that some damn fun. I don’t think I’ve had that much fun making a video in a long while. My girl was looking fine and I got to be up on her and yeah…

 

And when we got home that night we hung out with Trace a little bit and then took a shower together and she gave me a hand job in there and I fingered her on my bed afterwards and then we passed out together all naked. It was nice, real nice.

 

“I’m not making out with you in public, missy.”

 

She seems not to care and runs her hands up my chest, over my shirt and locks them behind my neck, looking up at me. “You look so fucking hot today. Are you sure your momma doesn’t mind if we sleep in the same bed?”

 

I shrug and put my arms around her and hug her for a second. I would never be able to do this anywhere else. It’s kind of cool. Here in Millington I kind of get my privacy. Sure people talk and they gossip and spread rumors around but no one, at least no one I grew up with or that knows my family, would sell anything or tell any reporter what they saw. When I come home I’m ignored and usually the paparazzi doesn’t find me, just on rare occasions. It’s like instead of being some celebrity or something, I’m just the popular town guy, like the quarterback of the football team or something. I matter and people care about what’s going on with me and want to know and sometimes stare, but it’s different here. People don’t freak out.

 

Here, I’m just Justin.

 

“My momma don’t care. She lets me do what I want.”

 

She licks her lips and pushes her breasts against me. “And what do you want right now?”

 

I narrow my eyes. “Why are you teasing me in a freaking grocery store?”

 

She smiles and laughs and it’s makes me a little weak. Her fucking laugh makes me weak. Shit, I got it bad. “Because your southern accent has come out full blast and you’re so relaxed and at ease and so well mannered and you’re like this sexy southern gentleman…”

 

“Oh, so that’s what gets you hot?”

 

She smiles and shakes a little. “I wish. It’s cold as hell in here.”

 

It’s stupid and pig headed, but I can’t help myself. I look at her chest. I start to grin and bite my lip. Her tank top has thin straps and I think its one of those with the little built in thing. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s not holding back the fact that she’s cold. Not at all and she’s got some cleavage, too. I want to kiss her there. “I can tell. You should know better than not wearing a bra in a supermarket, girl.”

 

She leans into me and kisses me for a moment. “I was hoping you’d notice.”

 

“You little whore.”

 

I see her look around for a moment and then she whispers, “Pencil dick” and sucks on my bottom lip.

 

This girl is dangerous. Code Red. Fuckin’ off the charts.

 

And she’s mine and I love it.

 

“Oh hell no, bitch.” I say to her and she just laughs and scampers from around me, picks up a sack of potatoes and smiles.

 

“What you gonna do about it?” She laughs and I come up close to her and she says in a quiet voice, “Threaten me with your skinny penis?”

 

“You want it, don’t you?”

 

She walks backwards down the next aisle where my mom and Courtney are looking at something and talking. I glance at them, but when Mere starts to talk I look back down at her. She’s looking at me like she wants me. She’s got the slightly opened mouth, the slightly narrowed eyes and the flush against her cheeks. She looks beautiful and sexy. She says in a low voice, “You have no idea. I want it deep and hard and fast…” Immediately she turns and walks over to where my mom is and says, “Courtney, do you like pickles?”

 

“I like the sweet ones.”

 

I waste no time and go right up to her and tickle her sides. She laughs and twists away and smiles at me. “Me too!” She leans and whispers, “I like to suck on them.”

 

I grab the potato sack out of her hand and pull her to me and start tickling her some more. I don’t whisper when I say back to her, “Girl you need to stop! I’m serious.”

 

“What’s going on?” My mom sounds like she use to when I was in elementary school and me and Trace would mess around with the other kids.

 

I let go of Meredith and put the potatoes on the bottom tier of the cart. It’s amazing. We’re gonna be here five days and we’re stocking up like we’re moving to a deserted island. “Nothing momma. My girlfriend is just mean.”

 

A lady that looks kind of familiar walks past the end of the aisle and the sound of squeaking sneakers follows her. A brown headed kid about nine runs past, looks down the aisle and stops. He stares at me and then waves, “Hi Justin…”

 

I have no idea who the kid is, but I smile. “What’s up…”

 

The lady comes back into view and looks down the aisle and sighs, “Hey Lynn, sorry.” The kid is still waving at me. I think that lady goes to church with momma. Not sure. “Christopher come on…” She pulls the kid away and suddenly someone’s hugging me from behind.

 

“You’re so cute, like everyone just adores you around here.”

 

I laugh and pull away from her a bit. “I’m annoying as hell, don’t let them fool you.”

 

I decide that we need to calm it down a little bit. I love my girl and all, but we are in public and I know Millington is pretty damn safe. I know I can kind of be myself but still, we’re being annoying. Even if we weren’t like famous or whatever, we’re probably being a little too affectionate in public. So instead of messing around with my girl some more, I move closer to my momma and I ask her about her lists, making fun of her ‘cause she’s now on page two.

 

We go down the snack food aisle and then end up on the cereal aisle. Mom’s more concerned with getting down to the end where the granola bars are and I just stop pushing the cart and let the three of them keep walking and stand there in shock. I look to my right and look back at them.

 

“Are you serious? You’re just gonna walk right by that?”

 

She turns to me and sighs when she sees the sign I’m looking at. Four General Mills brand cereal boxes for eight bucks. I mean, come on now! “Justin I don’t need four boxes of cereal.”

 

“Well I do.” I start pulling off some stuff. Yeah Cinnamon Toast Crunch, haven’t had that in forever. And Smacks! Oh shit.

 

Mere’s laughing at me and I realize that while I’m putting the boxes in the cart, my mom is taking them out and handing them to Courtney, saying, “Will you put those back for me? Thank you, dear.”

 

Courtney laughs and that kind of annoys me. I mean, it’s cool when mom and Mere laugh at me, but not her.

 

I know, I know. I’m acting like a little child. I’m being a dick to her, but that’s how I feel so whatever.

 

Meredith and Courtney lag behind, probably still laughing at me, so I take the opportunity and push the cart up by my mom and walk with her and ask, “So what do you think so far?”

 

I look behind us at my girl. Damn, what a smile. My mother gives me a look and shakes her head. “Do you really have to ask me that?”

 

“I don’t know momma, I just…” I sigh. Ya know, I’ve dated around a lot the past few years. I haven’t really been able to find a girl that keeps my interest. And I know, you could say that maybe Mere will end up being the same way. I know we basically just goof around together and talk about random shit and make out. But she’s got something. And as much as I hate to compare her to my past, she, she reminds me of Britney, or at least who I had wished Britney would become.

 

I mean she’s so different now and changed. Hell, so am I. I haven’t talked to her in forever, though. And Meredith, she’s like the girl I want to be with. And I know its just starting and I know we’ll have bad times ahead and I know there’s so much more to her that she hasn’t shown me. But, like when she took me back, that day when she was laying in bed, crying to me ‘cause I had fucked up, and that night, God that night we swam naked together. Those times prove to me that this isn’t just for fun. This isn’t just because she’s hot and is a great kisser and looks good next to me.

 

This is because she’s awesome. She makes me feel that thing, deep, deep down. She eases my mind. And it’s not just like she’s hot and fine, because she is.

 

But she’s beautiful, too. And there are a lot of girls out there that are sexy and hot but sure as fuck aren’t beautiful.

 

I look behind me. She’s smiling again.

 

I haven’t been breathless over a girl in years.

 

“She’s wonderful, baby.”

 

I sigh and smile at my mom. “She’s different momma.” I turn the aisle and rub my forehead a little bit. We got up early this morning to get on the plane and I didn’t sleep well last night for some weird reason. Probably ‘cause Mere wasn’t with me. I shouldn’t be getting this dependant on a girl. Not again. That was the problem last time. I needed her too much. “It scares me shitless.”

 

“You’ll be fine, baby.” She pats my back for a moment and then laughs, “Now this assistant girl. Is she always this quiet?”

 

Why did she have to bring her up? Well, I know why. My mom’s about as cautious of having strangers over in her house as I am. She’s a great hostess and all, but she’s curious and cautious about girls. “I don’t know, Trace knows her better than me and Mere seems to like her, but I don’t know.”

 

“She’s nice and very polite.”

 

“I guess.” I shrug and my mother eyes me carefully. Shit, now I’m making her worry about Courtney. She’s not that bad really. I just don’t like her and don’t trust her. But Mere does and she helps her out a lot so, that’s something.

 

I guess.

 

Suddenly there’s a tap on my shoulder, and I turn and Mere’s there with a smile and a cell phone.

 

“It’s for you…”

 

I stare at her. “But it’s your phone.”

 

She laughs at me. “I know, but it’s for you.”

 

I take the phone and she laughs and runs back over to Courtney. I look at her and Courtney’s rolling her eyes and laughing, too. Is this some joke? “Uh, hello?” I say and continue to follow my mom and push the cart.

 

“Justin! Megan here, how’s things?”

 

Weird. I don’t know who I was expecting it to be, but I wasn’t expecting her. “Oh um, hey, fine. And yourself?”

 

“Peachy. How’s home?”

 

“Great.” It’s quiet on the line. Really quiet. It’s awkward. “Um, Megan, not to sound like an ass, but is there something you want?”

 

She laughs. “Can’t I just want to talk to my best friend’s boyfriend?”

 

“I guess, you just, you seem like you’re up to something.”

 

“Oh, well I totally am.” She laughs some more. That girl is crazy. She’s got a great personality, but she’s a little nuts. Not like bad nuts, just fun. Very outspoken, too. Which kind of makes me worried right now. “I just have a few things I wanna chat with you about. First off, you treating her well? Everything ok?”

 

I’m starting to get nervous. The plastic on this cart handle is making my palms sweat. “I think so.”

 

“No more getting high and calling her a bitch?”

 

I sigh, “Look…”

 

She cuts me off. “Cause I’ll come down there and kick your ass, you know that right?”

 

I know I deserve this. I know she has every right to say this to me, but it still doesn’t mean I wanna hear it. “Yeah, I know. I’ve learned my lesson.”

 

“Ok second,” she laughs a little. “I graduate soon. So really try not to schedule anything too adventurous with her in three weeks because I’m coming to visit her whether she likes it or not. And I’d prefer it if she wasn’t out of the country or something.”

 

“I’ve got promo to do anyway, so I think you’re set on that. Just as long as you don’t take her out to a strip club.” I laugh, but I’m still kind of nervous.

 

“Well, thanks for ruining my plans. And thirdly, when are you going to fuck the girl?”

 

I stop the cart. I blink. Did she just say that? Like really say that? “Whoa, what?”

 

“Aren’t I delightful?”

 

I can’t believe this. She just….what? Ok wait, does that mean Mere wants it? Wait or... What? “Are you serious?”

 

“Well kind of.” Oh my god, she really sounds serious. I look back at Mere. She’s yawning. Man, does she want to fuck me? I mean, I know she wants to. But is she all ready and everything? Oh my god. “I mean she wants it and I think she’s like planning it out for pretty soon. Like actually planning it. So just some advice about Mere, if you don’t know this already, a lot of times she can work things up in her mind and if they don’t go 100% according to plan she gets really confused and upset and it’s not pretty.”

 

“Ok.” I feel out of breath and lightheaded.

 

“And also, well, I don’t think she’s told you this and she hasn’t really come out and said it to me directly, but you know she’s like completely, totally in love with you, right?”

 

I stop the cart for a moment, but start pushing it again. It’s one thing to think it, but to hear it is another. Even though it’s not from Meredith’s mouth, it kind of hits me hard, right in the chest. It makes me terrified and happy at the same time. It’s a weird feeling and my stomach starts to ache. “Well I guess…”

 

“Justin, you don’t have to play it off.”

 

I suck in a breath. “Yeah, I mean. I know she hasn’t said it but, I guess I can kind of sense it.”

 

“So don’t throw that away. You mean a hell of a lot to her and I know right now she’s just silly and fun and messing around with you, but there’s more to it than just having fun to her. It takes her a while to open up like that, but when she does you’re gonna realize there’s a lot more to her than what you see now.”

 

“Ok. I mean, I figured I just…”

 

She cuts me off again. “Now do you love her back?” I blink. This is too much information too fast. She wants to have sex with me, she’s ready for it and she loves me. And I think somewhere in my mind I knew this stuff but I just hadn’t really thought about it all that much. And now I can’t stop thinking about it. Honestly, it’s making me a little dizzy. I don’t know what to say. I mean, I care about her more than almost anyone. So, I guess I love her. I mean, I do love her, but I don’t know if I’m in love with her. I want to be, I just don’t know if it’s too soon. I mean, it’s been a while since I’ve been in this situation.

 

Suddenly, I hear a groan over the phone. “Shit, so that’s a no.”

 

I guess she says that because I haven’t said anything in response. I shake my head and quickly cover it up. Plus, if I did love Mere I don’t wanna be telling it to Megan. I…I’d want to talk to Mere about it, or at least Trace first. “I didn’t say that! I just, why are we having this conversation?”

 

“Cause Meredith is one of the most important people in my life. We’re best friends Justin, but it’s more than that. We’ve been together through more shit than you know, more than just some tabloid making up some shit about us. If her heart gets broken or if you don’t feel a certain way towards her that might end up hurting her in the end, I need to know so that I can deal with it.”

 

“Like what? Shoot me.”

 

“No, but if you aren’t in love with her, you need to tell her that shit. Don’t you dare lead her on!”

 

That makes sense. But what do I do if I don’t know if I love her? Ok, so then if I do and I tell her things might change and everything is so damn good right now. “Ok, yes ma’am.”

 

“So tell me, how do you feel about her?”

 

I sigh. My mom is now in the diary aisle. I’ve been following her around all through this migraine inducing conversation. Mere and Courtney are with her, picking out ice cream. Mere looks at me for a moment, smiles and I look away. This is just awkward. “Megan you’re, you’re making me really uncomfortable. I don’t think I have to explain…”

 

Suddenly Meredith is next to me, her hand on mine, prying the phone from my ear. “What is she saying? Give me that!” I should probably struggle or something or tell her its ok, but I easily let her take the phone and I can hear her say, “What the hell, Meg?...No, what did you say?”

 

I sigh in relief and follow my mother to where she’s headed towards the check out area. “You ok there? You look a little pale.”

 

I almost jump at her voice. I don’t look at her, but I know she’s right beside me and I wish she would just leave me the fuck alone. The last person I want to talk to right now is Courtney. “I’m fine.”

 

“Don’t worry. She called me a few days ago and lectured me on making sure I didn’t have any ulterior motives. She must be a great best friend but maybe a little off her rocker.”

 

“No, no…” I rub my forehead, staring at the picture of me and Meredith and Paris Hilton on the cover of Star. The big story is a Brangelina fiasco but in the corner there’s this horrible picture of me. Apparently, I’m cheating on Meredith with Paris. I haven’t even seen that crazy girl in like a month. I don’t even know Paris that well. It’s amazing, really. “She’s not off her rocker she just, she cares. She’s making me think about some things. That’s it. Look, don’t worry about it.”

 

“I spend about as much time with Meredith as you do Justin. So if you want a female opinion on a situation I’ll be glad to give it.”

 

“Nothing, nothing just forget it.” I shake my head and look away from the tabloids. My mother is rolling her eyes at me, her check book open and her pointing to the old man who looks like he might keel over at any time at the end of the counter.

 

“Justin, would you help the man bag!”

 

“Yes ma’am.”

 

I’m thankful for the distraction and go and help the guy bag the groceries. He smiles at me. He has no teeth. Sometimes I wonder how I’ll be when I get old, like if I’ll be married and have grandkids. I’d like that. I’d like to be like my grandfather and just be chill and kick ass and tell all these crazy stories. I look at Meredith, she’s on the phone still. I sometimes wonder if she’s the one. I know that’s a God awful cheesy thing to say but at times I can see her, sitting in a rocker, knitting something, or complaining about the weeds growing in her garden. She’d give piano lessons to the local kids ‘cause she’s phenomenal at the piano and we’d be old together. And she’d have to remind me to take my arthritis medicine and we would be old and wrinkly and gross and it would be wonderful.

 

I laugh.

 

I’m a freak sometimes.

 

Before I realize it, I’m pulling my sunglasses up over my eyes as we head towards the car and my mom is now on her cell phone and Courtney’s on hers, too. I don’t know who she’s talking to but she’s giggling in this weird way. And I think she just said my name. She better not be talking about me. Mom pops the back of her car and I lift it up and start to put the groceries in there for her. I think she’s on the phone with Dad. I wonder if he’d want to go play golf sometime. I wonder if Mere would wanna go.

 

Suddenly I hear a sigh and someone is helping me pull out the paper bags of groceries. I think mom bought out the damn store. “I’m so sorry about her.” Mere says to me.

 

“Don’t be, she just cares about you. Trace use to do the same thing with me but after the fifth girl he backed off and saw I could fend for myself.”

 

“I just…” She sighs and I help her lift the case of beer I snuck onto the bottom of the cart. “I haven’t dated in a while and she’s worried about me being heart broken.”

 

“Come here…” I pull her into me. It feels good to hug her like this. It’s different from in the store when we were being all teasing and playful. She feels good against me and I rub her back and kiss her cheek. I bend down a bit and look at her. I realize I’m looking at her through my sunglasses and that kind of defeats the purpose of me trying to look her in the eyes, but oh well. “I have no plans to break your heart. I have no plans to break up with you any time soon, actually, ever that I see. You’re…you’re one of the best things that’s happened to me, you know that right?”

 

She smiles and lunges forward, her arms around my neck, her lips against mine. I love it when she’s like this. It’s like out of a god damn movie or something. It’s like I really am the only person that matters to her. I love that I can say little things like this and it makes her day and makes her so happy.

 

I love making her happy. It’s what I live for really. She’s got the best smile and the best laugh. And I love it.

 

I…I love her.

 

I do.

 

She pulls away for a moment and I can’t stop myself. I pull her back and kiss her again.

 

And then my mom, with her impeccable timing, comes back and pats me on the arm and says to Mere, “Baby, I love you and think you are wonderful, but this is gonna be a problem if you keep distracting my son.”

 

I laugh and hug my momma. I love Meredith. I really do.

 

Shit. I’m fucking in love with her. And I’m terrified and I’m scared and I pray I don’t fuck it up. And my stomach hurts and my head hurts.

 

And I’m so happy.

 

“Momma, I’m sorry I can’t help it that my girlfriend is fiiiinnnneee…”

 

She just rolls her eyes at me and takes my hands and places them on the handle of the cart. “Put the cart back and get in the car, hot shot.”

 

I just laugh and watch my mother shake her head and get in the car. Meredith does, too. I guess Courtney is already in there.

 

I love her. I’m in love with her. It’s so fucking great!

 

I push the cart and it rolls into the little parking spot for them in the lot and crashes against the rest.

 

Shit.

 

I love her.

 

And that means I gotta tell her.

 

How the hell am I gonna tell her?

Off Old Riverview Road, 3:53 p.m.

 

I turn off the main road at the dented, rusty mailbox there where Riverview makes a sharp left turn. The tires spin a moment on the gravel and the car bumps and dips as we make our way down the familiar road. I look over at the girl in the passenger seat. She’s got her arms over her chest, and she’s glaring, staring out of the window at the woods, avoiding me and doing her best to act like she hates me. I bite my lip and try not to laugh. She’s looking hot as fuck today, this little white button down shirt and this knee length black skirt. The scowl on her face makes her look so sexy. She was the one that bitched when I told her instead of errands we were gonna go visit my grandpa. She pitched a fit and claimed she never agreed to meet my family, that she didn’t want me showing her off like she was my date.

 

I held my tongue and didn’t say anything about the fact that she was the one dressed up, she was the one that was looking sexy and fine, looking like a fucking “date.” All I had told her was that I wanted to get her out of Justin’s house and show her around Millington and maybe grab a bite to eat before we went into Memphis to do some shit I needed to do. I told her we could go shopping if she wanted. And I hate shopping.

 

But then my mom bitched me out, told me to take her car to get the oil changed and to go see grandpa. So here I am, driving down five miles of dirt road with Courtney. And I guess a part of me does want to show her off. I plan on making her meet my grandpa and then after that I’m gonna go by my mom’s place to drop her car off and get mine and that way she’ll have to meet my mom. It’s not like she’s my girlfriend or that I even want her to be that. But if my mom thinks I’m dating someone, oh lord will she be thrilled and maybe get off my back just a smidge.

 

So I guess I’m kind of using Courtney, but she’ll get over it.

 

Mom’s been on my case since I’ve gotten home. She told me that I don’t come home enough, and that my brother and sister need me around more, that Grandpa’s health is getting worse and I need to be around or I’ll regret it. My dad just laughed at her and passed me a beer and told me to stay out of trouble. He always does that. He’s always so relaxed and chilled. I don’t know. I love my mom but damn, I guess part of my wanting to go to Memphis today was to get out of that damn house. I needed some freedom. Normally I’d just retreat to Justin’s and we’d just shit around, play basketball or X-box, but he’s got his girl. And well…shit.

 

It wasn’t Justin who called me up and asked me if I could take Courtney out today so they could be alone. It was Meredith. I know what this means. Meredith was nervous on the phone and shy. She kept giggling. Which means she’s gonna fuck his brains out and I’m going to hear about it all tomorrow when I go golfing with him and Randy. Of course, I’ll probably get jealous and it’ll fuck up my game and then I’ll be more pissed off.

 

I wish I could fuck Courtney.

 

Ugh, I need to stop being an ass.

 

She’s really getting hotter. Like every time I look at her she just gets sexier. She doesn’t really wear khakis as much anymore and I’ve seen her in skirts and jeans, but she’s always looking classy. Like Mere will bum around in shorts and a tank top and I guess its hot cause she’s always showing her legs off and shit, but Courtney, that girl leaves it to the imagination. She makes you think. She makes you wonder if she’s got on lacy panties underneath, or if she’s got on any…

 

Anyway, I can see her legs today and they’re long…and smooth. At least, they look that way.

 

I gotta stop this. This girl is clouding my mind and I’m just not ready for this shit. I’m still fucked up. Hell, like half a year ago I was engaged. I’m just not ready and she’s confusing the hell out of me. Like last night. Last night I went and hung out at Justin’s. His parents went out of town and we kind of had a little party with the home town gang, well, the few that were still around. And I left kind of early because my brother called and wanted to know if I could come pick him up at one of his friends.

 

She followed me to the car.

 

And she was drunk. Ok, she wasn’t as drunk as some other girls there, but she was tipsy.

 

She grabbed me from behind and told me not to leave and made out with me in the driveway. And it’s weird. Ever since we made up at the video shoot, it’s been weird between us, weirder than it was before. Before I thought she hated me, but now that I know she doesn’t, man, I don’t know. It’s like I’m just sitting around waiting for something to happen. And we’ve hung out. A couple nights after the shoot I took her out and it was nice. We talked about all sorts of shit. I always pegged her for an only child but nope, she’s got an older brother. Apparently her parents had her kind of late and they’re both in their mid 60s. They live in Florida and she doesn’t see them much.

 

And her brother is married and lives in Texas. She doesn’t get to see much of her family.

 

But I guess that don’t really matter, what matters is that afterwards I brought her back to the guest house at Justin’s where I pretty much live. She was acting a little nervous so I talked to her about it and we had another conversation about what was going on with us and she told me that she didn’t want me to think that she was ready to have sex with me. She said she wasn’t. She said she didn’t want to.

 

Then we made out on my couch.

 

But I was careful not to push and we didn’t do much, just the normal shit, kissing and hands over clothes. But damn did I wanna get underneath.

 

A few nights later, she was at Mere’s and I came over. Justin was doing rehearsals with Marty and I bounced ‘cause I was bored as hell. Meredith called me and told me to come over. Little girl is playing match maker with me and Courtney and its cute but she’s gonna have her hopes crushed. ‘Cause we’re not gonna date or fall in love like I think she wants us to. We’re just playing around until she gets tired of me or until I find a girl worth it.

 

Not to say that Courtney’s not worth it. I just can’t see us in a relationship. It just wouldn’t work. We’d fight and rip our heads off and then we’d be bloody and dead and that’s no fun.

 

Don’t think it’s been all fun though the past week. We’ve argued, too. She told me I was taking too much liberty with her, trying to make her into something she wasn’t, which was a fuck buddy. Again I tried to ask her what would be so bad about that and she just scoffed and rolled her eyes and said something about me probably having a STD. I don’t. But it made me laugh cause of that time that Justin thought he had one like five years ago.

 

It was hilarious.

 

He says he’s clean, something about it just being dry skin. I got grossed out and told him just to shut up and not ever talk to me about dry skin again. But sometimes I call him ‘herpwerp’ just to piss him off.

 

“Fuckin’ great.”

 

I shake my head. I guess she’s referring to that fact that it’s starting to rain. It’s not even that heavy, it’s just rain. Maybe she’s getting her period. I know that’s such a typical guy thing to say, but really, maybe she is. ‘Cause she’s been bitchy ever since the moment I told her our plans had changed. She seems kind of paranoid of that. Of changing things without her consent. “I asked God to do that, ya know, to start raining just to piss you off. So go ahead and blame it on me like I know you want.”

 

“Asshole.” I laugh but she just rolls her eyes and stares straight in front of us. Shit, mom needs to get her wiper blades redone. Maybe I’ll just go get a whole service done after we see gramps. Tires rotated, new wipers, oil change, engine check, etc.

 

“How the hell am I an asshole?” I ask as the road starts to turn. There’s a pretty big puddle and we splash through it. God, ma. I should have taken dad’s pick up, not her Taurus. Yeah, I admit it. I’m driving a Taurus. I’ve tried to buy her a Benz or a Beemer, but she doesn’t want it. She doesn’t like fancy things. Makes her nervous or something.

 

“Because you just are.”

 

I know I got her in a corner when she makes horrible comebacks. It means she’s angry with me for no reason. She’s just trying to distance herself from me because she feels like she’s getting too close. It’s amazing how I can just pick her brain and know what she’s thinking sometimes. “You weren’t saying that last night.” Other times I don’t know what the hell she’s thinking about.

 

She gives me this tone, this really chiding tone like I’m some stupid teenager. “I had a few too many beers and thought that you were Jared Leto.”

 

Oh thanks bitch for making me feel better. “You’re pathetic.”

 

“Oh, am I really?”

 

I grin and figure I’ll throw her for a loop. I reach over and touch her knee and move it up her thigh a bit. Yup, her legs are real smooth. “Pathetic, but hot as hell.”

 

She takes my hand and throws it to me and smacks my shoulder. “Oh shut up! Don’t touch me!”

 

“Come on, you know you’re glad to be out of that house and away from those two.”

 

She makes some little noise to show me how disgusted she is to be here with me. God, if I wasn’t so attracted to her I wouldn’t put up with this childish bull shit. “No I’d rather be with them right now.”

 

“What with Justin’s bad attitude and Meredith’s constant groping of him? Sure. You know you feel like the third wheel with them. Don’t deny it.” I know she does because I’ve felt it. They’re just getting worse. Maybe it’ll calm down once they fuck, but damn, they’re like fifteen year olds in heat who just found out that its fun to touch each other. They’re always, always up on each other. You should have seen them last night at the party.

 

It was actually pretty funny ‘cause some of the hometown girls, like Jen and Katie who still think they have a chance with him, were all pissed off and rolled their eyes. They’re nice girls but I tell you one thing, if Justin wasn’t famous, they’d make fun of him like they do the rest of us guys and not give a shit. They’d talk about how there’s no guy worth it in Millington and sip on their beer and talk about how much they want to move.

 

But they’ll never move.

 

It’s true though. If he wasn’t famous they wouldn’t give a shit. And I’m not trying to say anything bad about him ‘cause, ya know, he’s like my brother, my best friend, and I love him. But he really isn’t as cool as he seems. I know I’m not cool, hell, I know I’m a fucking freak half the time. But he’s more of a freak than I am. He’s a loser. He knows it, too. He actually gets a kick out of it when people call him cool. He usually just looks at me and makes his weird face, ‘cause he knows I know its bull shit.

 

“I’d rather be there, than in the rain on some dirt road with you!”

 

I laugh at her again. “Oh, so you’d rather hear Justin’s orgasm noises than go meet a very hilarious old man? How nice.”

 

“I’d rather do that than hang-” There’s this loud popping sound and at first I think its just really close lightening. Then I realize what it is. The dirt road is pretty smooth and packed down at this part and we’re hobbling along in the car bouncing like hell. “What was that!”

 

“Shit…” I press the break and put the car in park. I know what just happened and it sucks ‘cause it’s raining and its still two miles to my grandpas and three miles back to the main road. And my grandpa’s old and I hate to have him come out here in the rain to help me put on the spare.

 

“What…” It’s a pissed off voice, but this time I don’t think she’s pissed at me. I really wish she’d have a better attitude. I mean as much as it’s all sexy and hot when she’s angry, it can get on my last damn nerve.

 

“Just hang on…” I open up the door, take the keys out and suddenly it’s like the nice late spring rain turns into a late summer soaking. There’s nothing I can do. I don’t have a hat or a coat or an umbrella, so I just suck it up and look at the front tire. It’s not just flat, it’s busted. Fucking blown out. Shit. I sigh, I know I’m not going to be able to change this by myself and I hope she can stand to get a little wet.

 

‘Cause I’ll be damned if she doesn’t help me. I’ll fuckin’ drag her out of the car if I have to. I come around to her side of the car, open the door just a smidge and wipe the water off my face. My clothes are sticking to me, my shorts, my shirt, my shoes…oh shit my shoes are ruined. And Justin and I just bought these suckers.

 

“We had a blow out. Can you come help me with the spare?”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

I glare at her and her fake surprised expression. “No, it’s ok. I’ll just ask my little imaginary friend to do it with me. Come on, cut the attitude and help me out.”

 

She makes another one of her disgusted noises, blows the hair out of her face and pulls her hair back a bit and lets it fall down again by her face. She rolls her eyes and I move when I see she’s getting out of the car. I feel kind of bad, though. I mean I’m just in a shirt and shorts. Yeah my shoes are ruined but I’ll get another pair. She looks nice and I bet her makeup and shit is gonna be ruined. And its muddy and she’s just in these cute expensive looking flip floppy heels. Oh well, I’ll buy her a new outfit or something.

 

I run around to the back and open the trunk. There’s this flap thing at the bottom of the trunk bed and I open it to find the spare and the jack and shit there underneath. This actually might be kind of entertaining to have her help me change a tire. I wonder if she’s ever done it before. I look at her, and she’s not smiling.

 

She hits the tire with her hand and shakes her head, yelling at me. “You idiot! It’s a fucking flat, too!”

 

I reach in and touch the rubber of the tire. It’s flat, real flat. Shit, my mom is so clueless sometimes. Well damn this just sucks ass. “It’s not my fault. My mom sometimes…” I sigh and look at her again. She’s pissed, I think if I didn’t know any better her head might explode. “…forgets things.”

 

She turns to me after stomping around on the dirty gravel for a moment. I’d laugh, but I’m afraid she might kill me. She spreads her arms out and yells at me. “Like an umbrella. I always keep an umbrella in the car just in case. Your mom needs a reality check!”

 

That pisses me off. She doesn’t have the right to say that shit. She’s just making up excuses to be mad now. And its kind of ridiculous cause she’s looking…looking really good out in the rain, all wet, her hair all limp now and soaked. Her eye makeup is smudging a bit and her white button down…..well, its not really white anymore. It’s...transparent.

 

I can see her bra. Shit, I can see her bra.

 

“Don’t be talking shit about my mom!” I slam the trunk down and glare at her, mainly because I wanna stare at her boobs but also because I don’t want her thinking I’m just sitting here getting lusty when really I am pissed off that she said that about my mom. “She cleaned it out ‘cause I was taking it to the shop and she always cleans her car before she does that.”

 

She rolls her eyes and stomps over to me and leans against the car. “So what do we do? Just sit here and wait for Davie Crockett to come save us?”

 

“I’ll call my grandpa.” I shrug. I guess I’ll have to now. I could call a towing company. I could call Justin. Shit, this sucks. I wish she’d be a little more reasonable.

 

“And what will he do? I thought you said he was old and sick.”

 

I lash out and step up at her. She’s fucking ridiculous. An insane bitch. “Just shut up, ok?!”

 

“No! I won’t.” She pretty much spits at me. Like not literally, but she’s flaming pissed. And I can’t help but look at her breasts that are all stuck with her shirt. “Because of your sorry ass HAVING to go see your little feeble grandpa who happens to live in bumfuck redneck, USA. And I get, of course, I get fucking dragged along.” She looks down at her feet and I guess they are a little muddy, little flecks of dirt stuck to her ankles and toes. Her toes are cute and painted this pink color. I would never have picked her as a pink kind of girl. Red’s her color, not like hooker red, but deep red, burgundy red. Sexy red. “And now my shoes are getting ruined, and it’s fucking muddy and I’m soaked and I’d rather go home!”

 

I laugh in her face and narrow my eyes. She’s just yelling for no reason and it’s ridiculous. But it’s hot. “Why are you being a bitch?”

 

Then she slaps me.

 

She fucking slaps me on my cheek and it burns and stings and I look at her, completely shocked. She seems just as shocked as I am. I guess a part of me needed that to smack some sense into me and stop staring at her breasts. But dammit that hurt and she had no fucking right to do that to me.

 

And…and actually she looks hot, with the rain all over her lips, her trying to lick it off. Maybe that slap wasn’t a good thing. Cause it was a touch, painful and aggressive but really strangely sexy.

 

Suddenly, I can’t control myself and I grab her wrists and turn her until her back is against the car. She tries to break free of me but I have too good of a grip. “Stop it,” I say in a low voice.

 

I want her to know what she did was wrong. Hitting me like that was stupid. Like I probably shouldn’t have called her a bitch, but dammit she was acting like one. You can’t blame me there ‘cause she really was acting ridiculous.

 

“Let me go.” Her voice isn’t pissed off anymore. It’s not angry and it’s not upset. It’s quiet, a little timid maybe, maybe scared, but not like super fearful.

 

Her eyes are big and she’s staring at me.

 

“No…” I say calmly and step closer to her so she can’t get away. She struggles for a moment but then sighs and relaxes. “Don’t you put your hands on me again.” She licks her lips and I can’t help it. I can’t control myself. I just can’t. It’s like she possesses me. I push myself against her just a little bit, just a smidge and I smile at her. “Unless…”

 

“Stop it.” Her voice is breathy. Either she’s about to knee me in the balls or kiss me.

 

Or both. I wouldn’t put it past her.

 

I smile and tilt my head and kiss her cheek real quickly. This is what I like, the subdued Courtney. Not that I’m trying to be some oppressive man that wants women to be passive and shit. I don’t. I like when women are in control, but 2 seconds ago she wasn’t. She was out of control. And it’s weird ‘cause I think she was going nuts and being out of control in an attempt to gain control of herself around me. Kind of some deep mental stuff going on there. If she can just put on this front of being angry she won’t fall, she won’t wanna kiss me and she won’t actually like being with me.

 

I think she likes being with me. “Stop what…” I say. I could kiss her right now.

 

I should kiss her. But I don’t.

 

I just push myself against her a little bit more so she can feel me. “That…” Fucking girl is almost panting.

 

Shit, so am I.

 

“Why…” I dip in and kiss her neck, just lightly, like I did her cheek. I just press my lips there and pull away.

 

“Don’t do this, not here…”

 

I can’t help it. I want this girl bad. Real bad. God, she has her eyes closed and her head’s leaning back against the car, like…like she likes this. “I’m not doing anything.”

 

“Tr-trace…”

 

God, I didn’t even realize I was kissing up her neck. I mean I did. I knew I was doing it, it’s not like my mind just went blank, but it’s just now hitting me that, that this is happening. I pull back. I’m so close to her. She breaks away from me for a moment and her hands slide up over my chest to my neck. God, I hope she doesn’t push me away again. “Yes?”

 

She licks her bottom lip, bites it and pulls on my neck with her hands. She…she pulls me towards her. “Don’t stop.”

 

I surge into her. I fucking swallow that girl, my hands against the car, her’s gripping against my back, pulling me so close that it almost hurts. The metal of the car is cold and slippery but her body is warm, wet. One of my hands presses against the roof of the car and my other works greedily at the buttons on her shirt. I can’t stop kissing her, I couldn’t if there was a gun to my head or if the world was ending or some shit like that. She tastes good and her tongue is soft and her teeth tug at my lips.

 

And she’s moaning. Moaning my name, begging me not to stop, telling me if feels so good.

 

It feels so good.

 

My hands get to her skin underneath her shirt and I let my fingers skim up her stomach over her breasts, feeling her hard nipples against my palms. I push my dick into her through my sticking wet shorts. She grabs at my sides, pushing her fingers up underneath my t-shirt and undershirt to touch my skin. Shit, her hands against my skin feel good. I kiss her neck hard, and she grabs my sides and I hear her say, “hold on.”

 

I blink, pull away and she’s opening the car door to the back seat and backing into it. I follow her and we manage to cramp ourselves against the seat long ways and get the door shut. She pulls me into a kiss and I feel her hands at my shirt. It’s over my head in no time and I pull her shirt over her shoulders but it gets stuck at her elbows ‘cause its so wet, but its ok. I move my hands over the straps of her bra, its this pale pink colored mesh thing, and I can see her nipples through it and I lean down and kiss across her collar and then down to her cleavage and in between. And then I suck on one of her nipples.

 

She moans my name and I look up at her and her heads all titled back. I suck her other one and she puts her hand against my head, trying to grab onto my hair, but it’s buzzed. Her teeth are gritted and she looks sexy as fuck. She takes in a deep breath, her breasts rising as her chest expands. Her legs are spread, her skirt hiked up against her thighs and I’m pushing my crotch against the leather of the seats wishing it was her body.

 

Wishing I could get inside.

 

“Get me my purse…”

 

I blink and look up at her. She’s just staring at me. “What?”

 

She shakes her head and licks her lips. “Just get it.”

 

I scramble and climb in between the front two seats and snatch her purse from the floor of the front seat. I sit back down and hand it to her.

 

I think for a moment that maybe I’ve fucked up somewhere. I think she’s gonna call the cops on me or something and tell me this is a mistake. But she doesn’t. She searches through it like a fucking mad woman, looking for her wedding ring or a homeless man looking for a dollar. She throws out her phone and her small thing of mace, her check book and finally pulls out her wallet, flipping clumsily through all the compartments until finally she sighs in relief, laughs a bit and keeps something fisted in her hand. She then pushes herself back against the seat and gives me the look. It’s that look Justin always talks about and obsesses over in girls.

 

It’s the ‘fuck me’ look.

 

She licks her lips again and I move back to where I was.

 

She’s still breathing heavily and she lifts up, her arms around my shoulders, pulling me into a sloppy kiss.

 

Oh fuck, her hands are touching my dick. She grabs it for a second and then moves and I feel her fingers at the fly of my shorts. I almost laugh ‘cause I realize, my shorts are khakis. Kind of ironic or something, I guess. The thought fades away and I kiss her some more and move down to help her out cause it’s taking her too damn long to get my shorts undone.

 

But when I go to help I realizes she’s pushed down the front of my boxers and she’s pulling me out from my shorts. I look up at her. And…and she’s ripping open a condom package with her free hand and her teeth. Suddenly the world starts to slow down and yet strangely speed up. Like I’m in some freakish twilight zone.

 

But this ain’t scary and this ain’t creepy. This is fucking heaven.

 

It seems like a second ago we were out in the rain, yelling at each other. And now I’m here and she’s…she’s putting a condom down on me and…and…

 

And it stops. I can hear my heart thumping in my ears. I feel dizzy and I wonder, I wonder if I should do this.

 

I wonder if this is going to fuck with things. I wonder if this is going to make me go down a path I’m not ready for.

 

And I wonder why just a few days ago she was telling me she wasn’t ready to have sex with me, telling me she didn’t want to. And…and now she’s carrying condoms in her purse.

 

And now she’s lying before me, spreading her legs so I can see her black lacey panties, making her skirt bunch against her waist.

 

But then it starts up again. And it doesn’t stop. I can’t think and I can’t rationalize this. My brain shuts off. All I know is that I’m on top of a gorgeous woman who’s moaning my name and begging me ‘please’ and gripping me tight. I kiss her and feel her hand leave me for a moment, but she’s back quickly. She pulls at me again, pulls at me from there and I feel skin. Warm, wet skin against me, that certain type of skin, that feel that I’ve been craving.

 

I pull up a bit, completely out of breath and look down. She’s got her panties pulled aside and I’m against her, sliding and rubbing against her. She pulls her hands away from where she’s holding back her underwear and just holds me in her hand and pulls on my shoulders, pulls me back up against her. Her legs hike up on either of my sides and…and it happens.

 

And it doesn’t fuckin’ stop.

 

I slide into her and I can’t help myself and I’m here, I’m here having sex with her, pulling at her hips to try and get her closer. I’m staring at her mouth and her breasts and her eyes and moving in to kiss her lips hungrily and then moving down to her nipples so I can kiss her through her bra. Her nails pierce into my shoulders and I speed up, unable to control myself.

 

I can only hear her breathing my name, fuckin’ groaning my name, over and over and over again. And I can feel her around me, all fucking around me, squeezing me, pulling me into her, her body pulling me in, her hands gripping me and pulling me down. And I can’t stop.

 

I fuck her and I fuck her. She gets tighter and tighter and it doesn’t take long before her fists are hitting against my shoulders and she’s holding on. Shit I’m holding too, holding on to dear life, gripping her leg, her hip, her breasts, her neck, the seat, the car door, the front seat, anything, any damn thing that’ll keep me stable, keep me sane.

 

But there’s no hope, I’ve lost it and I’m falling down into completely utter madness. And I love it. Fuckin’ love it.

 

I feel her come. Shit, I hear her come. She screams and she’s loud and I think she cuts my shoulders with her nails. She pulls me so hard against her and her pussy squeezes me so fucking tight that I feel like she might just squeeze me off. But she doesn’t and she starts to breathe hard and starts to make this almost, hell I don’t know, purring sound. And I keep going, keep pumping into her until I let go, staring at her body in front of me. I fall against her, bucking for a few moments until I finish.

 

I blow out a big breath and lie on top of her and stare at this very, very small freckle she has on her neck.

 

It stops. Everything stops.

 

I blink.

 

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

 

I can feel her underneath me, breathing hard, her heart thumping.

 

I back up suddenly and pull out of her and she lays there for a moment. I sit there, stupefied against the back seat, with my dick all hanging out. I just stare at her. I just fucked her. I really did. She doesn’t look at me, but she stares at the ceiling of the car, and then slowly, very slowly, moves back to a sitting position, resituating her underwear and pulling down her skirt. She starts to button up her shirt.

 

I suck in a breath as she starts to throw all the stuff she threw out of her purse back into it and I do my best to pull off the used condom without making a mess. This was a very impractical idea, a damn good idea—shit, my ears are still ringing-- but a weird one. I look around me. I can’t really throw this thing out at gramps and leaving a dirty condom in my mom’s car is just…

 

I open the door and throw it out.

 

The cool air and the bit of rain, which seems to be slackening off, jolts me for a second. It’s refreshing and calms me down a bit and makes my heart stop pumping so hard. I shut the door and zip up my shorts and get everything straight. I’m still soaking wet with the rain but now I’m kind of sweaty too. I could go for a nice shower right now.

 

I rub my hand over my face.

 

Shit, that was incredible. I feel dazed, or drugged or something. And I blink a few more times and shake my head. God, I haven’t come like that in forever.

 

I look over at Courtney and now she’s just sitting there, her purse in her lap, looking out the window. I smile.

 

Miss Courtney Dawson just let me bang her. She let me inside and let me have sex with her. I really didn’t expect this and really didn’t think it would ever happen. And it was good, damn good. Maybe a little rushed and quick and I guess it’s a little awkward, but it doesn’t matter. None of that shit matters. I slide over on the seat a little closer and put my arm over the back of the seat, but I don’t touch her.

 

I lean in and say close to her ear. “Hey…”

 

She’s silent. She doesn’t even turn to look at me.

 

Uh oh…

 

I suck in a breath and pull my arm back and sit there with my hands in my lap. I look down at my knees for a moment and click my tongue against my mouth. Yeah... Ok… I mean, it’s awkward but it doesn’t have to be this awkward. I don’t really understand how she can go from screaming my name in ecstasy to being all quiet and contemplative and not looking at me. Maybe she’s just weird after sex. Hmm…

 

I sigh and stretch my arms by trying to put them over my head, but this car isn’t all that big so I get stuck half way and I yawn. Shit, I could use a nap. Wow that took it out of me.

 

“I guess I should call my grandpa.”

 

“Oh…” She starts to laugh. Um, why isn’t it a happy laugh? She still isn’t looking at me, just stares out the window that’s beaded with rain drops and starting to fog a bit. “Oh nice…real nice.”

 

“What?” She turns and stares at me. There’s no emotion there and I don’t know what’s going on. Oh shit, was I supposed to like hold her and kiss her afterwards? She wasn’t doing anything so I just backed off to give her some space ‘cause it was crowded as hell back here the way we were laying. I try to make up for it and slide right next to her and put my arm around her and kiss her cheek. “We can’t just sit here all day…unless…”

 

She pushes me away and opens the car door fast. Too fast. “Fuck off asshole! Call your fucking grandfather and don’t talk to me.”

 

I just stare at her.

 

Here enters drama. Drama I don’t want, drama I don’t need, and drama I surely didn’t ask for.

 

I don’t even know what to say. This…this is different than when she’s pushed me away before. Before she was upset at me and confused, but now… I don’t know it’s like she’s really, truly pissed off. This…this isn’t some front she’s put on.

 

“But…”

 

She stumbles out of the car and screams, like really screams, like one of those high pitched straining your vocal chords screams. “Just…just shut up!”

 

The car door slams in my face. And I watch her through the half fogged windows. She stalks around the front of the car to the passenger seat and she gets in and sits down. She doesn’t turn to look at me and she doesn’t say anything.

 

I have no idea what just happened. All I know was that she was kissing me and begging me and so I did it and…and it was a trick. It must have been. And I don’t understand it. I wanna be mad at her, I wanna yell at her and kick her out of my car and tell her she’s a bitch and she needs to grow up and if she wasn’t ready to have sex with me then she should have stopped herself.

 

But I don’t. I just sit there in my backseat for a few minutes and I stare at her and I hope she’ll turn to me and talk to me. But she never does. So I pull my phone out of my pocket and I call my grandfather. And when I’m done with that I see the rain has stopped and I go outside and I ring out my shirt the best I can, then I put it back on. I reach in the front seat and pull out my cigarettes.

 

I smoke two as I pace outside. It calms me down a bit but it doesn’t change anything. She’s still sitting in the car, not looking at me.

 

It’s then when I almost storm over to her and I almost yell at her. I grit my teeth and start to move to her door so I can yank it open and figure out what the hell is going on with us. And then I realize. Nothing’s going on with us. We had sex and she can’t handle it. I realize that I just fucked a girl who has no idea what she wants.

 

And that has nothing to do with me.

Justin’s bedroom, 8:01 p.m.

 

I try to stop myself. I really do. I don’t want him thinking I’m overly excited about this. I don’t want to embarrass myself. But I’m having a damn hard time keeping myself from laughing or smiling. It doesn’t help matters that his lips are tickling my neck and his fingers are against the skin underneath my shirt. His shirt is already off. It came off as soon as we got into his room. As soon as I kicked the door shut, right when I was kissing him and he was pulling me backwards into the room, I pushed it up his stomach and he ripped it off. But I didn’t mind. I still don’t mind. I bite my lip as he starts pushing into me, the front of his jeans against my stomach.

 

It started about twenty minutes--wait, no. It really started yesterday afternoon when his mom and dad left. They have some wedding to go to in Nashville and are gonna stay a couple nights there. We watched them pull out of the drive way, waving with his mom’s dogs barking at our feet. When they were out of sight Justin looked at me and he gave me this little grin. Then he whispered in my ear to get inside and get naked. And I would have. But when we got inside Courtney was on the couch watching TV, telling us that Trace just called and that he was coming over.

 

Then they had the bright idea to have some friends over, which was fine, but I passed out before I was able to get to do what I really wanted to do with him.

 

This afternoon when Trace picked up Court, I decided not to rush it, to make it last and do my plan. I actually have it planned. I know that’s kind of a stupid dorky thing, but I want this to be perfect. So I made us dinner, just some pasta and a salad ‘cause that’s really all I know how to make. But it was good and he seemed to enjoy it.

 

After dinner we went and sat on his couch and I was gonna seduce him there, maybe go down on him or something, but he turned on the tv. Yeah, that kind of annoyed me, but then fate worked in my favor. There was this commercial for a local guitar and music shop and I told him how depressed I was that I didn’t know how to play guitar. I was being honest. I really wanna learn how to play. He just stared at me, and then he shook his head, laughing a bit. He told me to sit tight.

 

He came back like a minute later with one of his guitars in hand, and he sat back against the couch with it and started to strum a little. He took my hand and made me press down the right way on the strings to make a certain chord. I wasn’t really learning a damn thing, ‘cause he was looking fine and I was staring at him. His shirt was tight against his muscles and he kept biting his lip as he was playing. He started to sing.

 

I stared at him and then called his name.

 

I told him to put the guitar down.

 

I guess I kind of attacked him there on the couch. He laughed at me, he’s always laughing at me. But it’s never like a mean laugh, just kind of content and it makes me happy. Unless he’s picking on me with Trace and being an ass.

 

So we were making out on the couch pretty heavily and he was the one that whispered “do you wanna go upstairs.” We made our way up here, kissing the whole way. At one point he pinned me against the wall and I knew I was in trouble. I had a plan and it was to make this last and with the way he was kissing me and touching me I was about ready to go right there.

 

And as hot as it would be to fuck in a hallway, I really didn’t want my first time with Justin to be against a wall where I was forced to stare at baby pictures of him.

 

But we’re in his room, his huge bedroom with this huge bed that he’s pulling me down on. His hands are under my arms and he’s pulling me up against him where he’s laying against the bed. He kisses me, using his tongue expertly. It’s soft, yet seductive. It’s like there’s all this power and force that could just come right out of him, but he holds it back and controls it. And it’s sexy as hell. His hands are under my shirt pushing it up, and his lap is trying to press into mine. He pins me underneath him and starts to pull my shirt off.

 

I wanna tell him to ‘do it’, but I can’t say that ‘cause that sounds like I’m an eighth grader. I don’t wanna say ‘make love to me’ ‘cause I don’t wanna sound like some damsel in a romance novel. And I don’t want to say ‘fuck me’ ‘cause, well, I don’t want him to. I don’t want him to fuck me. That makes it seem like it doesn’t matter and this sure as hell matters.

 

I want him to have sex with me, but that kind of sounds technical.

 

Maybe I shouldn’t say anything.

 

“Lift up girl.” I ignore him and push him off of me and sit up and start to slide off the bed. I know he wants me to take off my top, but I can’t yet. I start to move toward his bathroom. I look over my shoulder and he’s laying there, shirtless, back up against the headboard, his jeans tight against his crotch. He moves his hand down and unbuttons the top button on his jeans.

 

Oh dear lord…

 

That man is sex.

 

He smiles at me. “Where the hell are you going?” And he knows it, too.

 

“Just stay right there…don’t you dare move.” I go and see that my little bag of goodies is still by the bathroom door. I put it there this afternoon. My hand snatches it up and I march into the bathroom and shut the door. I lean against it and stare at myself in the mirror. Wow. I’m about to do this with him. I really am. I’m about to have sex with the man I love. I close my eyes and sigh. I hope this all goes as planned. I really, really do.

 

I don’t want this to fuck up and him be mortified and go running from here. I don’t know why I have that fear, but I can’t shake it. I take another needed breath. There’s a half naked, sexy man out there waiting for me and I’m standing here like an idiot. I force myself to push my fear aside and dig down in the bag.

 

I set up some of the stuff earlier, like the cd in the player and the candles on the nightstand. I’m glad he didn’t notice them when we came in. I strip down and pull out the silk slip thing I picked out and the thong. It takes me a moment to twist and turn and get it on right. I know I’m just going too fast and getting too eager. So with my arms stuck in the air and the thing half stuck on my face, I take a breath, and then easily get it down on me, resituating my boobs so that my cleavage looks good. I slip on the thong and pull my hair down out of my ponytail and touch up my make up. I don’t have a lot on. I’m not trying to look like a whore, but a little bit of mascara can go a hell of a long way.

 

Finally, after moments of hard work I’m ready and I’m nervous as hell. Well not nervous, excited. I can’t believe this day is finally here. I mean it’s not like I’m losing my virginity, but I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. I mean my high school boyfriend doesn’t count and Rex… He was a nice guy and all and he was hot, but this is Justin and Justin is…

 

I don’t know. There’s something about him. It’s like I can see myself with him, like for a long, long time. It started out just for fun, but I guess deep down I always knew that it would be so much more. I wanna give this man everything I have. And I’m going to, in like one minute.

 

I look myself in the mirror to make sure everything looks ok and well, yeah I look pretty damn hot so I reach down in the bag and pull out the remote to the stereo and I sigh. Here it goes...

 

I swing open the door and turn out the bathroom light and just stare at him with the sexiest smile I can manage. The lights aren’t on in the room but the curtains are open just a bit to let in the dim light from outside. And he’s just laying there against the head board, one arm bent behind his head, the other beside him. He takes in a deep breath and the cocky grin that was on his face fades for a moment and his eyes widen. He moves his arms and sits up against the bed and licks his lips.

 

The cocky grin slowly comes back and it really gets me going. I press the right button on the remote and place it on top of the dresser beside me. I made this stupid mixed cd that’s got like Brian McKnight and Marvin Gaye and all those perfect sex songs. I figured he’d like it.

 

Shit! It’s too loud and blares out the speakers for a moment and I cringe and reach to get the remote and turn it down.

 

Fuck.

 

He laughs and I take a breath. Ok, that sucked. I hope that didn’t ruin anything. I look at him and I feel my face burn when I realize that the candles are just sitting on the nightstand, like lumps of wax and I realize why. I’m an idiot, I don’t even know where the hell matches are. I can’t believe I forgot that. I can’t believe I’m so stupid.

 

I really am an idiot sometimes.

 

Shit. I need to calm down.

 

I sigh and run my hands through my hair, scanning the hard wood floor for some answer. This is not working like I planned.

 

“Mere…”

 

I look up. “Huh…”

 

His eyes look me up and down lazily and he pats the bed beside him. Shit, I didn’t pull back the comforter, either. This is crashing. It’s all just crashing down. “You gonna come lay with me?”

 

I just nod blankly, still trying to think how the hell I can make this up or where I might be able to find some matches. I scramble up the side of the bed next to him. There’s probably some downstairs.

 

Ow! Fucking shit!

 

“Fuck!”

 

I hate myself. I really hate myself. He’s laughing again and pulling me into him and holding my head. “Oh my god!” He laughs. “Are you ok?”

 

Yeah, I just totally hit my head against the headboard. But it’s like this huge wall, the thing’s huge and I wasn’t paying attention ‘cause I was trying not to twist my slip around too much. It’s not like tight, well on my boobs it is, but it’s kind of flowy around the middle and comes down just to the upper most part of my thigh. Yeah, it’s white too, and the little silk thong matches. I know that’s stupid and it’s even stupider that it was out of the bridal collection, but I thought it was pretty.

 

My head throbs now, and I just lean into his chest and try not to cry. I wanted this to be perfect. I wanted there to be candles and sexy music and I didn’t want to hit my head and I wanted the covers to be pulled back. I hold onto him.

 

Then I feel his torso shake and I look up. He sucks in a breath and lets out a loud laugh. I just stare, wondering what the hell is going on, and then I feel him pulling something on my back and I reach behind me and feel what the hell he’s laughing and pulling at.

 

I hate myself.

 

I really do.

 

I fucking left the tag on the thing.

 

I really think I might cry. I tug at it to pull it off but just the paper comes off so there’s still that annoying plastic string. I hate my life. I really do. Of course this would fuck up. Of course the first time I was going to have sex with him everything…

 

You’ve got to be kidding me. What did I do? What the hell did I do to make everything so imperfect? I tried so fucking hard and now…now…

 

I look at him and he’s laughing. He’s actually laughing at me.

 

I bite my lip and pick up the remote again and angrily stop the cd which is skipping half way through a D’Angelo song. I didn’t scratch it. I left it in the fucking case. I push away from him, frowning and I sit on the edge of the bed, farthest away from him. I stare down at the floor. I angrily brush a tear away. Go ahead, call me a loser or a baby or a drama queen or a freak. I don’t care. I don’t care that I’m crying over this. ‘Cause, ‘cause this really meant a lot to me and now every damn thing sucks and, and I just wanted to do something right for once. I wanted to do something special, something that would mean a lot to us.

 

I sniff and look away at the bathroom door. It’s open and even though the light’s off I can see my jeans and my shirt on the floor. I should probably just go put those on, go downstairs and hide somewhere. I feel like hiding.

 

“Meredith…”

 

I can’t look at him. I just can’t.

 

It’s like, I’m usually very comfortable around Justin, but right now I’m fucking mortified. Here he is like, the sexiest man in the world to me and what am I? Some dorky fucking klutz who can’t even remember to take the tags off her lingerie.

 

I feel the bed shift and notice a pair of jeans slide over beside me. His toes and feet touch the hard wood floor. Mine miss it by a good five inches, and dangle against the wooden bed frame. I don’t look up at him. I don’t want to see him laughing at me.

 

He kisses my cheek and I bite my lip. I’m not going to cry any more and be a stupid little emotional girl. I’m not.

 

I feel his lips against my cheek and his arms are around me pulling on me. “It’s ok…” He runs his hand through my hair and holds my head and makes me turn to him, makes me look at him. I sniff and look away. “Mere, it’s ok.” I glance at him and he’s smiling again. “You gotta admit it’s kind of funny.”

 

I rip away from him and stand up in front of him, waving my hands about. He doesn’t understand and I’m angry. I’m not angry at him at all but at myself. I knew better than to get this excited and worked up about it. I should have just let it happen. But no, I always want everything to be perfect so I try too hard and it always blows up in my face.

 

“It’s not funny. I can’t do anything right, Justin. I feel like an idiot right now. Here I am supposed to seduce you and, and, and have sex with you and, and I just look like a fucking moron. I wanted this to be perfect. I wanted this to mean something and to be beautiful and now it’s all ruined!”

 

He gives me this lost stare. Then he blinks and it turns into a small smile. I turn away from him, I look away at this nightstand to where the stupid unlit candles are. I can feel him approach me and I feel him put his hands on my shoulders and then move them to my arms. “Look at me.”

 

But I can’t. I can’t look at him. I know he’ll say something sweet and perfect, but it’ll be fake. He’ll just be cheering me up to get some ass or to push me away. There’s times when I feel like I’m the biggest freak.

 

There’s times when I feel like the biggest failure. And I know it’s stupid ‘cause here I am all successful and famous. But what have I done really?

 

Not a damn thing.

 

He grips my arms and shakes me a bit, not hard. “Dammit Mere! Will you just look at me?”

 

I cry and I hate it. I wipe at my face ‘cause I didn’t want him to see it. I don’t want him to see that I’m a mess. I don’t want him thinking I’m some immature, naïve little girl. I want him to see that there’s more to me. ‘Cause there is.

 

He holds me in his arms and I feel safe. My frown starts to fade and I relax a little bit. It’s one of the things I love about him the most, how safe I feel when I’m with him. A lot of my doubt leaves and I’m resurged with a bit of hope. I can feel him rubbing my back, his fingers against the silk. He rests his head against mine and kisses me there, too.

 

“Do you still want to do this?”

 

I pull away. “What?”

 

He keeps me against him and looks down at me. He brings a hand up and rubs his thumbs firmly under my eyes. I realize just to top it off, my mascara must be running. I probably look like a circus sideshow. The amazing crying girl, 50 cents a view. Perfect.

 

The look he’s giving me isn’t one of humor though, and it isn’t one of disgust or wonder. It’s comforting and genuine. “Tonight,” he whispers. “Do you still want to have sex with me?”

 

Wow. He just laid it out there. And its sweet and its sexy and I can’t believe he’s being this way after the utter fool I’ve made of myself. I take in a sharp breath and let it out, nodding and saying, “Yes, but I know you probably don’t want-“

 

“Shh…” He holds my cheek in his hand and shakes his head at me. He kisses me. And it’s not just a sweet kiss or one of those ‘I want you so bad I might die’ sloppy, hungry kisses. This is slow and purposeful and I start to forget everything that just happened. He has me flush against him and…and I can feel that he’s still hard. And his hand is lifting up the back of the top to grab my ass. His other hand is still on my cheek.

 

He pulls away, just a little bit and he smiles at me. I can’t help it. I smile back and I latch my arms around him and hug him tightly for a moment. He just laughs at me and holds me back. He’s amazing. He just, he can do one simple thing like kiss me and all the complexities that have been plaguing my mind disappear and everything is better.

 

He pulls from me and pats the bed, but doesn’t move to get on it. “Sit here and let me take care of everything, ok?”

 

I do what he says and I sit on the end of the bed. But it kind of pisses me off. I don’t want him to think he has to be the big man and take care of his women who’s stupid and doesn’t know what she’s doing. I mean, I know I couldn’t control some of the stuff that happened and I know that I was just a little too eager, but is that bad? I don’t want him having to chastise me. I roll my eyes at him as he pulls off his jeans, leaving him in his gray boxer briefs.

 

“Yeah, then make sure you take the fucking tags off your damn lingerie.”

 

He looks at me and laughs, “I’d like to see me try and fit into that.” I must be insane because I go from being pissed off to laughing. I can’t help it. The image of Justin in a white silk slip invades my mind. I can see it, barely coming down to cover his navel. I can see the goofy little smile on his face and some hear stupid lame joke he’d tell about getting his nails done. I try to suppress it and it starts as just a giggle, but when he sees me laughing he surges towards me and pins me back against the bed.

 

“That’s my girl…” Bastard starts tickling me and I hit him but I can’t stop my laughter. And he’s laughing back at me and everything fades away and it’s just us, happy.

 

When the laughter dies down a new feeling comes over. I’m still happy, but now…now I want it. I want him and I pull him down in a kiss. He soon pulls away and pushes himself off the comforter. “Lift your butt up…”

 

I do and feel the comforter pulled out from under me. He throws it down to the foot of the bed and I help him pull the white sheets back as well. He throws off some of the pillows and I watch him closely. I take in every inch of him. He’s really hot. Duh, right? But really, his muscles are all toned and he, he just looks refreshed and happy.

 

He catches me staring at him and I say, “You’re really sexy.”

 

“I am?” He lifts his eyebrows in a bit of surprise and then narrows his eyes and crawls up to lay beside me on the bed. “Well, look at you little miss angel lying on my bed in silk. Th-that’s…” He sucks in a breath and I feel his hand move over the silk on my stomach. “That’s a mighty fine outfit Miss Craven.”

 

“You like it?” That makes me smile.

 

He laughs and looks down at himself. “Do you see the front of my underwear right now?”

 

I look down and giggle. He does have a pretty sizable hard-on. It’s hot as hell, too. Something about this man in just his underwear with an erection, I don’t know, but it gets me going.

 

I pull myself closer to him. “I just thought you had a thing for women who like to attempt to knock themselves out with headboards.”

 

He smiles and whispers to me, “See…it’s not so bad.”

 

“I’m so embarrassed, though.”

 

“Mere…” He shakes his head and rolls over on top of me, being careful where he puts his weight. This is the thing. He can be aggressive. I’ve seen him when he’s really horney and he can be like an animal, but he can also be gentle. And he always knows when I need him to be slow with me and when I need him to be sweet. He reads me so well it’s almost scary. It’s kind of exciting. “It’s me. It’s just me.”

 

“That thing’s still sticking in my back.” I say, talking about the plastic thing that’s now scratching against me.

 

He laughs at me, but this time I’m able to laugh with him a little bit. “How did you not notice the tags?”

 

“I…I was excited!” I pout at him and suddenly feel a bit shy. “I’ve…I’ve been planning this out for ever. I mean, I got candles…” I look over at the nightstand and he seems to be noticing them for the first time. “But I fucking forgot the matches and I made that cd.”

 

He laughs again. “Who burns cds anymore? Don’t you have an ipod?”

 

“Shut up…” I pout again and he bites his bottom lip and smiles. “I didn’t think about that.”

 

His smile fades and he gets this very content look on his face. He dips in for a kiss and pulls back quickly, “You still sure you want this? You’re ready?”

 

“God Justin…” I lightly hit the mattress with my fist and groan. I don’t think he realizes. He really must think that I just wasn’t ready to have sex with him, that I wanted to wait a month or something. Well, normally I do want to do that, but I’ll be honest, I probably would have had sex with him when we first met. I wouldn’t have been as rational about it as I am now, but I probably would have done it that first night. “I’ve been ready ever since I met you.”

 

“Oh really…” He smiles and shifts to push himself against my leg a little bit. He toys with the strap over my shoulder. He’s kissing my neck, but I can’t really concentrate on it ‘cause that stupid peace of plastic is sticking into my back.

 

I should just ignore it, but for some reason I can’t. And I feel the need to tell him. “Dammit this thing really itches.”

 

“Can I take it off?”

 

He says it so seriously. Not flirting, not joking. He’s dead serious. I mean, he’s already almost naked and yeah, I’m just in lingerie but, but when he takes this top off I’ll just be left with my thong. Even though I’ve been naked with him before…this is different. This is very, very different. I can’t help it. Excitement floods me, eagerness fills me up and I know it shows. “Y-yes…”

 

And it makes me feel weak. I hope that doesn’t show. The last thing I need is him thinking I’m weak.

 

He kneels before me on the bed and pulls me up so I’m mirroring his position. He kisses me and I feel his hands against my sides, pulling up. His hands follow the silk and he touches my breasts. I lift up and he takes it off. And we’re left staring at each other.

 

It’s almost dark in the room and I can barely see him now that the sun must have set. It hits me. It suddenly hits me that this, this is really going to happen. And I want to cry again but not because I’m mortified or feeling sorry for myself but, but because it’s right.

 

This is right.

 

He leans me back against the sheets and the pillows, but he doesn’t lay on me. He lies on his side next to me and he lets his hand wander and I take it all in. I close my eyes and feel his hand on my body, touching my breasts and running over my stomach, running his finger along the top of my thong and finally, pulling on my hip to get me to turn to lay my side like him, facing him. He pulls me flush against his body and the feel of us touching, almost naked, with his body so warm I just…

 

I really do love him.

 

“I want to ask you to do something for me.”

 

I look into his eyes, they’re so dark and blue and they’re looking right at me. “Ok…”

 

He takes a breath and moves his eyes from me for a moment. “You’ve got this problem of getting a little over excited about things, about building them up in your head and trying to take control.” He looks into my eyes again. “Will you just let me do this? Will you just lay back and relax and let me do this for you?”

 

“But I want you to enjoy it, too.”

 

He laughs a little and breathes out, “Damn Meredith, I have a feeling I’m going to.”

 

And just like that, it starts to happen. I mean, I guess it’s been happening ever since we got up here, but, but now it’s for real. It’s not this fake planned thing that, that I was stupidly trying to do. It’s real. His kissing me is real and his laying on top of me is real.

 

His hands running along my sides, pulling my hip up so he can push himself against me intimately, that’s…that’s fucking real. And it means a lot ‘cause sometimes, sometimes in my life, in the life that I live things can seem fake, they can have no meaning. Even though I’m not really sure what the meaning is of this, of him touching me slowly and tenderly and kissing me like it’s a gift, it doesn’t matter.

 

He pulls back for a moment, his hands on my breasts, his lips moving against my neck, not just on the side like normal, but underneath my chin. I run my hands up his back and over his neck, holding his head there, directing him down. I want his mouth all over me. I want him all over me. He pulls back for a moment, kissing just the top of my breasts and looking at them before looking up at me.

 

He licks his lips and says, “How do you want it?”

 

“Are you serious?” I can’t help but laugh. And I don’t know why. I guess it was just a funny thing for him to say. Like I could place an order off a value sized menu or something. I’d like two fucks and a large diet coke. Biggie Sized. I’d sing that McDonald’s jingle he wrote but I figure he might get mad at me.

 

He smiles. “Now you’re laughing at me.” He changes his voice, from his genuine slightly country tone to some weird mix, “Whut girl? I’ve never done this with you! I need ta know ya preferences so I can please you right.”

 

“You’re silly.” He sticks his tongue out at me and I wrap my arms and legs around him and giggle, “I like it all kinds of ways.”

 

“Oh, really?”

 

I nod and lean in to kiss him. “But tonight, just…” He pulls up a bit and pushes himself against me again and I sigh at the feeling. “Just make it last.” He laughs and wiggles his eyes at me and does this little rotation movement with his hips. I smack his shoulder. “And don’t start talking all vulgar about a tight pussy or slapping my ass or something.”

 

“I’ll try to restrain myself.” He laughs deeply and puts his arms behind my back, pulling me up and rolling over so that I’m lying on top of him.

 

As much as I wish I could just remember it all perfectly I know that won’t happen. I know after it’s over it’ll be like a blur, ‘cause it is. It’s a blur. Kisses here and there, hands everywhere, reaching and touching and running all over my skin. And he’s not the only participant. I copy his movements and it lasts and lasts, but soon it stops and as much as I want there to be foreplay, more intimate touching, his fingers in between my legs, or his…his mouth there, it doesn’t happen.

 

No, something else happens.

 

Somehow along the way we wind up naked and I wind up on my back and he ends up on top of me. And we stay that way. We kiss. And kiss and kiss and I pull my legs up on either side of him so he knows, so he understands that he can go ahead, that I’m ready. But he doesn’t move. He grips my hips and my thighs, but he doesn’t do the one thing that I want.

 

He just keeps kissing. He kisses my mouth until I’m gasping for air. I can feel him bumping into me between my thighs. I know he wants it, but he doesn’t do it. He just waits, his lips over my chin, down against my neck, kissing, and licking and nipping at me with his teeth, smiling, fucking smiling against my skin.

 

I want to scream, I want to scream at him to stop. I want him to never stop and I don’t know what to do. I want it to last, I want to be patient but I can’t. I can’t. I…I need him inside of me. I fucking need it.

 

“Just…”

 

I don’t finish my sentence. I barely get out what I want to say.

 

Because he’s there, pinning me down with his lap, pushing into me. He slides in just a bit. I reach out and pull him down against me and he pushes all the way in. All the way to the brink, pushing me to the edge almost right there with that one movement. I hold him tight against me, pulling him as close as possible, squeezing his hips with my thighs, trying to get him inside of me, all of him inside of me.

 

He doesn’t move. He lays there and breathes against my neck. He feels….he feels….I can’t describe it. But it’s the best thing I’ve felt. Ever.

 

The next thing I know I’ve gone and said it. It comes out and there’s nothing I can do to take it back.

 

“I love you…”

 

I bite my lip and try not to sob ‘cause I can feel him tense up. I can feel him not wanting to hear it and I can tell that I’ve just ruined this all over again.

 

Then he moves, he pulls out and I know he’s going to tell me its over, that he’s not ready and that…

 

“I know you do…” He whispers and he pushes back in and surges his mouth against mine, welding them together so they can’t come apart. So…so we can’t come apart.

 

We don’t come apart, not, not until the feel of him pushing in and pulling out makes him groan and he breaks away, moving his hips not slowly, not languidly, but to a beat, some beat I can hear in my head. It’s not loud and it’s not fast, but it’s steady and I almost start humming along. Instead I just hold on to his shoulders and I smile.

 

I smile and I smile….

 

And I smile.

 

I realize I’ve got my eyes shut and I open them so I can see him.

 

He’s smiling, too. He laughs quietly but I can feel him rumbling everywhere inside of me. He pushes in and holds it and, and I guess it’s a little weird but he kisses my nose. I don’t mind. “Is this ok?” He’s breathless and quiet. He’s not whispering but it’s this low, gravely voice.

 

I nod and hike my legs up a bit more, making him slip in deeper. He groans, deep and again I feel it inside of me. He’s…shit, he really is inside of me. I move my hands over his shoulders and his upper arms and then behind me, stretching my body underneath his and grabbing onto the top of the headboard as best I can. He just stares at me with these eyes, these deep, dark, primal eyes and pushes himself up a bit so his arms are out straight in front of him, his hands pressed into the pillow on either side of my head.

 

He moves a bit faster, and I watch him and he’s like this machine. A body too perfect, full of muscles and it’s like I was saying before, I can tell he’s holding back. I can tell he’s keeping himself in check. I can tell there’s more power behind him. I can tell that he’s not letting go and it’s so fucking sexy to know there’s some mystery buried deep inside of him. He’s bites his lip and hangs his head, sighing, still moving his hips against me.

 

I grip the headboard one last time as this small, sudden wave of pleasure comes over me. But I know that’s not it. I know sure as hell that…that that’s just a small teasing little preview.

 

I let go of the headboard and pull him against me. I need to feel all of his body pushing into me and his arms come in between my back and the mattress and he holds me and lets me kiss him. He kisses me back and its wild and his hips are still moving against me, moving in me. And...and it feels so good and he fills me up so well.

 

And I know it’s perverted and it’s vulgar and probably just because it’s been so long for me, but he stretches me, not hard, not painful, just slightly and I feel complete. That ache, that ache that tells me that I need something in me is heightened and every time he thrusts in me it feels perfect and it feels good and I moan, I fucking moan and I don’t know what I say to him.

 

He sucks on my neck and I know I’m going to have a bruise there and I don’t care. I bite his shoulder ‘cause he’s speeding up and I know what this means. Oh shit, I know what this means. I know what’s about to happen.

 

I hear him say ‘shit’ against my shoulder and I hold him tight and he holds me tighter and then…then, oh shit, then.

 

He breathes, “Fuck, Mere…” into my ear and I feel him explode inside of me. I feel him wild against me, thrusting like he’s out of control, like he can’t hold it back. He groans and gasps my name and it lasts and its long and its hard and I can’t help it and I feel my body coil and coil, and tighten and tighten, and wind and wind, and I squeeze and squeeze until there’s nothing left. Not a fucking thing left.

 

And…and I burst.

 

I burst and I shake and I lay there trembling underneath him. And I try to hold on, I try my best to hold onto him and he just kisses my shoulders and my collar, small sweet kisses. I suck in a breath, trying my best to breathe, but I can’t. And I’m hot, burning up and…and I just…

 

I just had sex with him.

 

And…and it was perfect and passionate and intense and…

 

I sigh and blink slowly.

 

I make this small groan and look to find him laying on me, still in me, eyes closed with a smile on his face. I touch his cheek. It’s hot and flushed. He’s…he’s glowing. Well, it’s not like a fucking GlowWorm, but he looks so happy and content and, and I feel the same.

 

I wanted it to be that way, this way. This…this was so right and so real and I giggle and hug him, not really sure what to say to him, still knowing that I told him I love him and wondering if he remembers that.

 

Maybe he’ll just ignore it.

 

He doesn’t ignore it. “You love me?”

 

I lick my lips and try to move a bit so that I can hide or move or get away from him, but he won’t let me. He’s still in me. I can feel his heartbeat down there and I can feel him losing it and softening. “Justin…” I want to explain myself. I want to tell him that I do, but that’s its ok if he doesn’t feel the same. I expect that. I don’t want him to think he’s obligated to say it or feel it back.

 

“Meredith...I…I lo-“

 

Shit. He’s struggling and I pull him down in a hug and run my hand over his head and whisper, “You don’t have to say it back. It’s ok.”

 

“No its not!” He rips away from me, pulling out. The absence shocks me for a moment and I curl up a bit. He sits up against the headboard and beats the mattress. “Dammit Meredith! I do! I just…” He sighs and rubs his hand over his face. “It’s really hard for me.”

 

I know it is. I know he’s terrified. I know he was burned badly and I know he’s pushed that away for years and lost himself in random hook ups and tried to forget the pain that goes with being in love. And I know this relationship scares him. I know that when we were at his pool after swimming naked it scared him to talk about a future. So I put it in general terms. I stopped talking about us as a couple in the future and just talked about what he wanted out of life. We want the same things, but I didn’t point that out.

 

I don’t really think I had to.

 

I roll over on my stomach and look at him. He’s staring at me with these eyes, these eyes that are begging me to believe him, begging me to know that, that he does care and that there is love there somewhere, underneath all the fear. “You don’t have to say it.”

 

He licks his lips and shakes his head like I don’t understand him. What am I not getting? “Yes I do. I want to prove to you that, that I don’t care about being scared. Yeah, I’m terrified but…but you mean more than that.” He slides down and pulls me against him. I feel cold now and his body is damp not like disgustingly sweaty and dripping, but there’s a small shine, a gleam maybe and I run my hand down his back and let him hold me against his warm chest. “You…you’re everything. You…” He pulls back and leans in to press his forehead against mine. “What we just did…You know as well as I do that that was more than just sex. Right?”

 

I’ve never seen him stare at me this intently and to hear him say that…

 

I don’t know what this means and I don’t know how to decipher this. It’s like he’s trying to tell me something, but I don’t know what it is. I know what we just did was more than sex, but, but there’s not really a term for it. You can call it making love but that’s so cliché and over used. What we did was…was beautiful.

 

“You don’t have to prove anything to me. You don’t have to do that.”

 

He shakes his head. I guess I’m not getting it. I guess I don’t understand what he’s trying-

 

“I…I love you.” I blink and stare at him. He just stares back. “Th-There. It’s…it’s there.” His voice shakes, and he licks his lips nervously and stares at me, waiting for approval. I just gulp. He...he just said...

 

“I love you…” He says it again and kisses me, hard, strong, proving his point. He’s proved his point. He pushes his forehead against me again.

 

He whispers, “I love you.” And this time he seems completely sure of himself and he smiles and he kisses me again and whispers it against my neck, nuzzling me there and holding me against him. He runs his hands over my bare back and sighs against me. And I know, I know deep down in my heart or my soul or whatever…I know he means it.

 

And I just stare at the unlit candles, the mounds of wax just standing useless on the nightstand, and I can’t move and I can’t think. I just blink.

 

And then…then I start to smile.

 

He loves me.

 

I rub my foot against his calf. His fingers run up and down my spine, slowly and he presses his lips against my shoulder.

 

I bite my lip, holding back the urge to squeal.

 

He really loves me.

Downstairs Guest bedroom, 11:52 p.m.

 

What the hell is that?

 

It’s quiet for a moment and then I hear it again, a scratch on the window pane from outside. I pull the covers up on the plush bed that’s so fluffy it’s almost uncomfortable. My eyes dart to the window and I see nothing because the blinds are closed. I know there’s this big bush in front of the window so maybe the wind is blowing and a branch is hitting the glass. I hope so. I’d hate to be murdered in Bum Fuck, Tennessee in the guestroom of a house whose owner hates me. Well, I don’t think Justin’s parents hate me, but he sure as hell does. He’s made that pretty clear this past week by not saying a word to me. I mean, not a word.

 

And I knew when I was dropped off earlier today that I would have to sneak in. I didn’t want to interrupt anything that Meredith and Justin had planned. When I came into the house it was silent, but I knew they were here because all the lights were on and his car was here. I shut the door behind me, turned off the lights in the house because that’s a big pet peeve of mine, and walked quickly to the guest bedroom that Lynn had told me to treat as my own. The room is on the first floor, in the same section of the house as her and Paul’s bedroom. Justin apparently keeps the whole top floor to himself with a massive bedroom, another guestroom and an office. I’ve hidden in here in the downstairs room all tonight and most of my stay as well. Tonight though, I’ve just sat on the bed and thought about what I’ve done. I took a shower. It didn’t help much. I tried to read, but nothing worked to ease my mind. I’ve confined myself to this room. I’ve forced myself to sit here and think and beat myself up about what I let happen.

 

What I let him do to me.

 

About two hours ago the silence of the house was stopped by the sound of water running upstairs. I guess Justin’s bathroom is right above my room because I heard his shower run…and run. It lasted like 45 minutes. I wonder how big their water heater is. I also wonder what the hell they’ve been doing up there. I guess she finally did it with him.

 

The sound of water wasn’t soothing, though. At first I thought it might help me get to sleep, but no, it just made me think about water and rain and this afternoon and what happened and how I freaked out and how I ruined everything. I then decided to check my voicemail and see if there was anything interesting happening in the world outside of Millington, the real world as I would call it. Everything is too damn quaint here, perfect, small country town where everyone is friendly. It annoys the shit out of me. I need LA or New York, fast. And I honestly can’t wait for three days from now when we catch that flight up north. Meredith is leaving straight from here to do more promotion. Her album is going to be out in just two and a half weeks.

 

I had this voicemail from Angie, it told me to check my email so I pulled out my laptop and was able to pick up a wireless signal. There was this long ass email telling me that I need to keep my phone on and nearby at all times and that Meredith needs to stop turning hers off or letting her battery die. Then she went into something that made my stomach churn and my brain dizzy.

 

Touring.

 

I’ve craved it. I’ve wanted it. I’ve been thinking about how exciting and interesting tour life would be. But not like this. Apparently, Angie and Johnny and Jive and Sony have all been in talks and they’re on a mission to convince Meredith and Justin to tour together.

 

And as much as the two of them bull shit about keeping their relationship and work separate I know they won’t say no. I know they’ll love it. I know they’ll eat it up. And I know I won’t be able to get away from Trace. I’ll be stuck. I’ll be forced. I’ll be miserable.

 

That damned tapping has started back and I decide to throw off the covers and grab my thing of pepper spray out of my purse. I don’t flip on the light so that if it is an intruder or something they won’t see me as easily. I cautiously run to the wall by the window, my socks sliding a bit on the slick hard wood. My fingers slip in between two of the blinds and peek out. I see nothing but a big bush sitting there. But there’s no wind, nothing. I look harder and still see no branch, no creepy man, but I want to be sure, so I slowly move to the pole that opens the blinds and turn my fingers, twisting the rod.

 

“Court!” It’s muffled, and it’s outside. I squint my eyes to see through the slits and I spot arms waving on the other side of the colossal bush, one arm holding up a long stick.

 

What in the world? Don’t tell me Justin and Meredith locked themselves out of the house.

 

I keep my spray in hand but I pull the string so the blinds go up and look harder. I’m not about to open the window, yet.

 

“Courtney! It’s me!”

 

I just stare at the waving stick. I still can’t see him that well, but I know who the hell it is. I can’t believe this. I can’t fucking believe this.

 

I put the pepper spray on the window sill, and fumble with the window locks, finally pushing the damned thing up and looking out through the screen. The sound of insects invade my ears and I yell in a harsh whisper, “What the hell are you doing!”

 

I want him to disappear. I want him to just vanish. What happened this afternoon was horrid. It was some of the best sex I’ve ever had and, and it was horrible. It was in the back seat of his mother’s car and, and all he cared about was getting off. I mean, it wasn’t like he didn’t please me, but after we were done I realized I had gotten caught up in the moment, had let myself give in, give up, and I fell.

 

I fell for him right then even though I knew that he didn’t give a shit about me. Well, I know that’s not true. I know he likes me, like a friend. And he must be attracted to me to have sex with me. But I know he doesn’t feel the way that I do and that’s a problem, a big problem. I promised myself I would never let this happen again. And what do I do to the first guy I start to hang out with since Keith? I fuck him, and I fall for him.

 

“I came to talk.”

 

His voice is quiet and I laugh, seeing his arms wave over the bush again, this time throwing the stick away. It’s kind of a tall ass bush and well, he is rather short. “And you couldn’t ring the doorbell or knock or call?”

 

“No…” He pauses for a moment. “I didn’t want to wake up Justin or Meredith.”

 

Of course, he’s always thinking about Justin. Sometimes I think he might be secretly in love with him. That would make everything a hell of a lot easier for me. “You could have called.”

 

“You wouldn’t have answered.”

 

Well, he’s got a point. He tried to talk to me when he dropped me off, after all the drama at his grandfather’s. Oh, that was awkward, having this old man come out with this beat up truck to take us back to his place, me squished in between the two of them in the front seat that smelled like tobacco and old leather. Then we had to call a tow truck and he drove us back to Trace’s house and I had to meet his mother, who was sweet and all, but a little flighty. And I think she thought I was Trace’s girlfriend, ‘cause well, she was treating me like that. She told me that she was so happy her boy had someone like me in his life. I could have been a prostitute and I don’t think the lady would have cared.

 

Trace took his car and drove me back to Justin’s at eight. Mrs. Ayala begged me to stay for dinner and I tried to lie to her and told her I had plans with Meredith. Trace glared at me and said, “oh yeah, Justin called and said he was taking her out so you guys are gonna have dinner tomorrow night. So stay, please.” So I was forced to sit there with Trace and his parents and his siblings and eat this family dinner. I was mortified. When he drove me back he kept trying to talk to me but I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything to him. I was angry at myself, angry at him, angry at the damn world. I just looked out the window and at one point he slammed the car on its brakes and yelled at me. But I didn’t budge.

 

That just pissed him off more, I’m sure. But what could he expect me to say? He dropped me off, and as soon as I got out of the car and shut the door, he left. He flipped me off, too, which was childish but I don’t really blame him. I mean, none of this is really his fault. I should have been upfront and told him the reason I didn’t want to have sex with him was because I knew I’d fall for him. And I did fall for him.

 

But I didn’t want him to think I was weak. It’s funny, actually. Now I know he knows I’m weak. My actions scream it. They scream a woman who has no fucking clue what she is doing. And I hate that. I hate looking weak. I hate being pathetic.

 

I swore to myself that I’d never be pathetic again, that I’d never show a man how weak I really was. And now I’ve done that.

 

“What do you want!”

 

“Come outside on the back porch and talk to me.”

 

This is annoying. I can’t see him, and…and I don’t really want to. I don’t even want to talk to him.

 

“I can talk to you fine right here.” But I can’t say that I’m not a little bit happy at the idea of him hanging outside of my window, tapping on it with a stick, trying to get me to talk to him. It’s a bit romantic, insanely cheesy, and I know I’m reading too much into it. But it makes my heart beat a little faster. He makes that happen. It sucks having a crush, especially when the crush isn’t returned.

 

He laughs. “We’re talking through a holly bush, Courtney.”

 

I glare at the bush, imagining it’s him, wishing my look could cut through the damn thing so he could see me and see how much I don’t want to have this conversation with him. “Exactly, so if you get too close you get pricked.”

 

“Ya know, maybe I should ring the doorbell…” It’s quiet and then he chuckles. “Piss Justin off, claim that you needed something from me…”

 

“You wouldn’t do that, you bastard.”

 

He sighs and I can hear him walking around in the pine straw, trying to find a way closer, and failing. “What did I do that was so bad Courtney? You were there, too. I didn’t rape you. I didn’t force you.”

 

“I don’t wanna have this conversation here.”

 

He laughs and raises his voice at me. “You’re the one that wants to be protected by a mother fucking holly bush.”

 

I shush him. The last thing I want is Justin stomping down here like mister hero. I can see him doing that, too. He’d hate me for life and then go crack open a beer with Trace. I don’t know why he hates me and one of these days I’m going to get to the bottom of it. But right now I have bigger things to worry about. I realize though if we continue to have this conversation through the holly bush, Justin will come out and will bitch at me. So I give into his plea to talk to me and give into my gushy girly side that wants to see him and hear what he has to say.

 

“Fine! I’ll meet you on the back porch. How are you gonna get over the fence?” They got this pretty big iron fence around the back yard and I can just see Trace struggling to get over and puncturing himself or ripping his clothes and causing more of a scene and a racket than he has already by poking my window with a stick.

 

“You forget I grew up here. Justin and I have perfected the art of sneaking in.”

 

I hear his shoes in pine straw for a second and then its quiet again and I call out to him. “Trace…Trace!” But he’s gone and I realize I’m going to have to come out of hiding and go talk to him. Shit, I should have known better, I should have thought this through. I don’t know what he wants to say to me. I don’t know if he’s gonna rub it in, make fun of me, try to take advantage of me again. I don’t have a clue and I don’t know if I want to find out. I think about just sitting here, locking the window back up and putting on my headphones and turning up the volume and drowning out any other sound.

 

But I don’t do that. I go to the door, I open it and I pad through the dark house, through the den to the kitchen and out the back door to the big deck there. I sit down on one of the cushioned lounge chairs and wait. The crickets and other bugs are loud as hell and it’s kind of humid. For a while I wonder if he just said that shit to me and is about to pelt me with rotten eggs or do something completely middle-schoolish. But nothing happens and then I wonder if he’s just going to not show up and make me sit here and wait.

 

It wouldn’t matter though. The fresh air is kind of nice and it’s not like I haven’t been sitting, waiting and thinking all evening.

 

But he finally does show up, strolling slowly up the steps of the deck from the back yard near the pool. He stops when he gets level with the deck and leans casually against the railing. “Will you put your hands up?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

He shrugs. “I wanna make sure you don’t have some weapon.”

 

“Trace…” I sigh and roll my eyes. He’s only half way being serious. He’s trying to make a joke and I’m not in the mood for jokes. I don’t even know what mood I’m in. He finally, slowly walks over to one of the chairs that’s facing me and sits down and leans forward, running his hands against each other, resting his elbows on his knees. It’s quiet for a while and he doesn’t look at me.

 

It’s hard to sit here with him. The longer I look at him the more I realize that he’s not the asshole I keep trying to label him. And, and I also realize that just maybe, maybe it wasn’t all about getting off for him. Maybe it was more than that. He’s here right? He’s sitting here with me, he was tapping on my window. Maybe he’s drunk.

 

He looks up directly at me. No…no he’s not drunk. “What the hell happened this afternoon?”

 

“We fucked.” I can’t look at him, but out of the corner of my eye I notice he sits back against the chair.

 

“After that.” I don’t say anything. “Dammit Courtney! Why’d you do it if you couldn’t handle it?”

 

I glare at him and stand up. I can’t believe he just called me out like that. “Couldn’t handle it? Oh right, ‘cause I’m the one that’s all fucked up and can’t handle sex.”

 

He shrugs. “Well, it seems that way.”

 

I hug my arms around my chest. It’s suddenly cold. The thin cotton pajama pants and t-shirt I’m wearing aren’t doing a whole hell of a lot to keep me warm right now. “Just leave me alone. You don’t know anything about me. And you don’t care and that’s fine. But just don’t come near me.”

 

“I do care, Courtney. Don’t think that I don’t care.”

 

I shake my head. Shit, he can’t say things like that. He…he can’t look at me like that. “You care more about calling your fucking grandfather,” I mumble.

 

I push myself up off the lounge chair and make a move like I’m going inside, but I don’t.

 

“Is that what this is about?” I turn and see him run a hand over his face and stand up. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, ok? I was…I was in shock. Literally.”

 

I shake my head and look over at the grill that’s just sitting there. I have to have something to focus on. I can’t look at him anymore. “Shocked that you just fucked a girl like me and wanted to get away as far…”

 

“Shut up.” I let out a breath and move my eyes right in front of me when I realize he’s inches away, his hands on my shoulders. I’m forced to look at him and I can’t look away. He pulls me into him and I just stare over his shoulder, not sure what I’m supposed to do. It’s ok when I hate him, when I hate myself, but this…this is just a mess. This makes everything…complicated.

 

Like it wasn’t complicated enough before.

 

“What are you doing?” I don’t push him away but I don’t hold him either. He’s even swaying with me just a little bit. And I just let him.

 

“Trying to get you to relax.” He sighs and pulls back just a little bit, but doesn’t let me go. “I really am sorry about this afternoon, about afterwards, about how I acted or whatever I did to get you so upset. But I’m not sorry for what we did. I don’t regret it and I don’t want to take it back.”

 

“Stop it.” I say harshly to him. He’s…he’s being perfect and I know he’s not perfect and I don’t know why he’s acting like this.

 

“Stop what?”

 

I rip away from him, shake my head and stare out over the yard. It’s dark, real dark and I can’t see shit. I don’t even know why we’re out here. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal to bring him inside. Hell, Justin and Meredith have hibernated upstairs. I don’t really think they’d care. “You’re not supposed to be this nice. I’m the one that flipped out, Trace. I know I overreacted and I know you think I’m crazy. I just…”

 

I sigh and I almost continue what I was going to say, but I hear him behind me. “You were hurt real bad, weren’t you?”

 

I suck in a breath and turn on my heels. I realize my socks are probably getting disgustingly dirty on the deck. He’s a lot closer than I expected and I run a hand over my head, letting my hair fall from the holder and then quickly putting it back up. “Yeah….yeah I was. And I promised myself I’d never let someone control me, and I promised myself I’d never let a man see me weak and that’s what happened today. I was weak and I gave in. And now I’m a complete mess.”

 

He smiles distantly. “So, what about us? Clearly, neither of us are really ready for commitment or something huge.”

 

I nod and agree with him. But, but he’s wrong. He’s really, really wrong. I think I could be persuaded to do something huge, to commit.

 

To him.

 

I’ve lost it. You would think getting laid would make you feel better and think more clear about things. But not me, I’m a fucking jigsaw puzzle that a 4 year old decided it would be fun to rip apart and destroy. I should be committed.

 

He smiles at me, I can see it in the darkness. “So what…”

 

Then all the lights of the deck come on. I gasp and Trace turns to look back at the glass doors of the house. Justin’s standing there in just some shorts with his hands on his hips looking at us with his eyes widened and his mouth dropped a little. “What the hell?” I can’t hear it, but I know that’s what he said behind the glass.

 

Trace turns to me and quickly says. “Did you get a call from Angie today?”

 

“About touring?” He walks quickly to the door that Justin’s getting ready to open. He looks back at me.

 

“That’s what we’re out here talking about. I’ve got it covered.”

 

That pisses me off. I don’t see why we couldn’t just tell him we were hanging out or whatever. Justin shouldn’t need an explanation about this. Hell, for all I know Trace has already called up Justin with every dirty gritty detail. I mean, yeah this is his house and we were being all secretive and stupid on his deck. But he shouldn’t have to know why.

 

“What the hell are you two doing out here? Mere and I were asleep and we hear these voices and she freaked out.”

 

“We had business to discuss,” Trace explains. “And we didn’t want to be out here with the lights and wake you guys up or in the house where you could hear us talking. I’m sorry we should have been quieter.”

 

“Business?” Justin looks at me for a moment and then back at his best friend. He narrows his eyes. “You doing a drug deal or something Ayala.”

 

“No, touring.”

 

Justin turns his head, as if he couldn’t hear Trace right. “Excuse me, touring?”

 

“Is Meredith awake?”

 

Justin nods and then laughs. “Yeah, she was convinced a burglar was going to get in the house and steal my awards.”

 

“Your awards?” Trace chuckles and Justin shrugs.

 

“It’s what she said.”

 

“Well go get her, if you guys are up. It concerns both of you.”

 

Justin narrows his eyes at Trace and shakes his head before turning back into the house. “You’re weird, Trace….”

 

Once he leaves, Trace holds the door open and waves me over. I brush past him, “Nice cover.”

 

“Yeah, we’ll just go ahead and talk to them about touring and pretend that it was urgent or something. I’ve got it all covered. Just let me talk.”

 

I sit on the couch and cross my legs. Now I’ve got this headache and he’s starting to piss me off again. I don’t understand why we have to have this big cover up. I guess he’s embarrassed of me or something, embarrassed Justin will find out we fucked and then he’ll get laughed at. Justin will say something smart like Trace banged the khakis girl, took a detour to khakis pants land. Yeah, I know that’s what they call me. I don’t care. It’s stupid.

 

And it’s stupid that he assumes I need to just shut up and let him, the man, take care of everything.

 

“Got everything figured out, don’t you?”

 

“What? What’s wrong?” He sits down in the loveseat and stares at me for a while as I start to hear laughter and voices. I can see them coming down the stairs, Meredith riding on Justin’s back. I ignore Trace.

 

“I thought you were a robber, mutant!”

 

“I’ve been thought worse.” His eyes dart from me as Justin lets Meredith drop off of him at the bottom of the steps. He complains about some type of back pain and she rolls her eyes at him. Then we get to watch as Justin comes up behind Meredith, tickles her sides and picks her up over his shoulder, laughing and smacking her butt as she squeals.

 

They’re pathetic. And so damn obvious. He flips her around and perches her on the couch that I’m on and she runs a hand through her hair and then keeps it on her forehead, “Justin! Now I’m dizzy…” She swats at him and he sits down beside her and pulls her into his body, so she’s laying on him.

 

She’s clearly wearing his clothes, a huge shirt on her and some boxers rolled up so they show off as much of her legs as possible. Justin put on a wife beater to go with his bright blue basketball shorts. I’m in my pajamas and I look at Trace, in jeans and a shirt. I wonder what Trace wears to sleep. Probably nothing.

 

I shake my head. I’m pathetic.

 

“So we got business to discuss.” I say, tired of their little display of flirtation.

 

“Uh ohh….” Meredith says, and moves so she’s sitting Indian style. “Can’t we just watch a movie and eat some snacks and…” She busts out laughing and turns and smacks at Justin who’s just smiling at her. “Stopppp..”

 

He puts his hands up at his sides and she leans in and kisses his neck.

 

I look at Trace and roll my eyes and thankfully he says, “Could you please refrain from having sex in front of us? Thanks.”

 

Meredith turns as red as an apple and Justin moves his arms and hands from her and sprawls out on the couch. I turn a little so that his hand doesn’t hit me. He’s got Meredith up against him and I’m sitting beside him but I don’t wanna get too close to him because well, he hates me. “Well then tell us what’s up,” he asks and cracks his neck.

 

“Touring.” I look at Trace and then at Meredith and Justin who are just staring back at him. I don’t even know why I’m here. It seems I’m just taking up space in this room. I should go to bed. He speaks very slowly, “What would you think about doing it together?”

 

“Really?” They say it at the same time but while Meredith’s is an excited squeal, Justin says it in a cautious, unbelieving tone.

 

“Yeah, Sony and Jive have come up with the idea and Johnny and Angie called us and told us to talk it over with you guys, just to get the idea in your head. They want to talk to you both together and individually tomorrow.”

 

Justin nods and sighs, staring at Trace. “They realize this is going to be a press field day?” He moves his arms from the back of the couch and leans forward. I watch Meredith, she’s just staring at him. I know she’s a little worried about his reaction to all this, but it’s not that bad. Justin is the more conservative one in their relationship and has more experience with the public and press. She should know that.

 

“They’re pushing it. They want it to happen. I’m sure they’ve looked at all the options. Now they just need to convince you guys.”

 

Finally, Justin turns to Meredith and stares at her for a second and I take the opportunity to look at Trace. He’s just sitting there casually. It’s amazing how he can be so down to business and yet so relaxed. He looks good too and I start to think about that afternoon and what we did and…and how good it felt. He knew what he was doing. And even though it was fast and rushed and probably the least romantic thing, damn did he know what he was doing. I bite my lip and look back at Justin when I notice him getting up from the couch. “We’ll have to think about it. You want something to drink?”

 

Meredith nods and he leans down to kiss her. When Justin starts to leave the room, Trace goes to follow and I watch them leave. As soon as they are out of sight, someone’s pulling on my arm and right by my side.

 

“Oh my god, Court…this...” She sighs and hugs me quickly before sitting back against the couch. “This is perfect. I was worried that maybe something would happen if we had to tour at the same time and we’d be all apart but now it’s…” She’s glowing. She’s got this flush to her cheeks and hasn’t stopped smiling since she came down the steps. “It’s perfect.”

 

“You sure you wanna do this?” I ask. Clearly all she’s thinking about is sleeping on a tour bus with Justin and sharing late nights with him in hotels. She’s not thinking about the long hours and how tired she’s going to be and how tired he’s going to be and what this will mean as far as their relationship in the public domain is concerned and what would happen if something went wrong. I can tell those thoughts were running through Justin’s mind.

 

All she can think about is being with him and being happy. And she is right now, but she has got to grow up and realize that that happiness is not gonna last. It can’t. It never does.

 

“Oh my God, am I sure?” She blushes and leans into me. “Courtney….we….” She giggles and turns that apple red shade again.

 

“It’s fairly obvious.” I roll my eyes but smile at her. But it fades when jealousy surges through me. I’m not a girly type of person, but I wish I could be. I wish I could spill to her what happened this afternoon and, and I wish that Trace was there with me tickling me and flirting with me, unable to keep his hands away. I wish I had that type of affection.

 

“Sorry, I just…oh my God, it was so good.” She falls back on the couch and groans and I stare at her in shock. I might wanna be able to blab to someone, but I don’t wanna freak out like she is. She sits back up and smiles even brighter, looking at the doorway to the kitchen for a moment and then back at me, “He…he told me he loved me. He loves me, Court!”

 

My stomach starts to hurt. “Shouldn’t you be telling Megan all this?”

 

“Silly…” She sticks her tongue out at me. “Yeah I will, but she’s not here right now, and you are. And you’re my friend so deal with it.” She laughs and nudges me but I don’t really say anything to her. I guess in a way I’m glad that she’s putting me in her mix of friends, but I don’t want to be in the middle if any drama happens. I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. I guess that’s what I get by being her assistant. I really do like Meredith, she’s a sweet girl, but her relationship with Justin annoys the snot out of me sometimes. “And if we all go on tour together you get to spend more time with Mister Mutant.”

 

I look at her and she winks at me. I shake my head and slide down onto the couch so that I’m slouching. “Great….”

 

“Oh don’t play it off.” She gets closer to me and whispers, “So what were you guys really talking about outside?”

 

“What?”

 

“Please…” She rolls her eyes at me. “This tour bull shit could wait ‘til the morning. Why were you two outside in the dark being all secretive?” Sometimes I don’t give her enough credit. She’s smarter than she seems.

 

“We were just talking.” I shrug.

 

“Did you kiss him?”

 

I sit up and stare at her. “No!”

 

She just grins more secretively. “Did he kiss you!?”

 

I sigh and shake my head. “Meredith, no…”

 

She pouts at me. “Well that’s no fun.” I don’t know why she’s so adamant about us getting together. I almost wonder if I should spill to her about us, about what happened this afternoon. But then I know she’ll tell Justin and if he’s going to find out I’d rather Trace tell him, I don’t know why, but…I just do.

 

I feel like if he hears it from Meredith he’ll be pissed off. I know he’s told Trace not to get involved with me, but I don’t see how it’s any of his business. I don’t tell Meredith how I feel about Justin or their relationship.

 

“Look, nothing’s happening between us.” I change the subject, quickly. “And you need to make sure this touring thing is what you want. I mean, what if you guys break up half way through it?” It’s a genuine concern that she hasn’t even thought about.

 

“Won’t happen.” She shakes her head. But it can, Meredith. Dammit, it can happen.

 

“You so sure?”

 

“We’re in love Courtney, in love!”

 

She’s clueless and naïve. She doesn’t even realize that her little thing with Justin might not last. So what if he told her he loved her? He very well could be lying. They’re fucking now and that’s probably all he cares about. I don’t know Justin that well. I know he can be very quiet and contemplative at times and I know he was an asshole to her once. I know he’s always an asshole to me, so I don’t have a lot of faith in him. I don’t know him that well, but I’m around him enough to know that this thing they have going on might change as quickly as his moods do.

 

“Yeah, but you never know what could happen, what could change.”

 

She shrugs and her face lights up when the guys come back in the room. Trace hands me a beer. Great, now all I want to do is sleep and they seem like they are ready to party. Justin has a bag of pretzel sticks with him and Meredith smiles at him and reaches out her hands after setting down her beer. “You brought me a snack.”

 

“Please girl, these are mine…”

 

They start to fight playfully and it ends up with Justin lying in the corner of the couch and her on top of him with the TV on, watching some movie on HBO and sharing the pretzels. I get up and move so they can have more space and so that Justin’s nasty ass bare feet don’t get any closer to me than they already are. I go sit myself down in the plush chair on the other side of the loveseat where Trace is sprawled out. He pats the space beside him, but I just glare. He was the one that wanted to cover up everything going on outside, and now he wants me to snuggle up to him or something.

 

That’s bull shit. I curl up in the chair and watch the damn movie, some romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston.

 

“You ok?” He asks me and I just turn and stare at him and then sink down in the chair and watch the movie until my eyes get heavy. I glance at Meredith and Justin a little bit and I guess it’s a little sketchy how I’m always watching them, but dammit if I don’t get jealous.

 

Sometimes she gets on my last nerve and its clear I’m not the big Justin fan, but I wish I could be that naïve and that blind. I wish I could just lie on a man like she is, completely asleep with him running his hands through my hair and across my back. I wish I could squeal to someone that a man loved me and stupidly protest that nothing bad was going to happen because of that fact.

 

I glance over at Trace.

 

He’s staring back at me. And it’s weird because his expression is blank and I could read whatever I want to on it. There may be some anger there, some disappointment, curiosity, kindness. But there’s no love. And I’m not saying I’m in love with him, because I’m not. But I have fallen for him and it disgust me ‘cause I know that he could never fall for a girl like me.

 

I don’t even want to be in love. I just wish the possibility of love could somehow exist for me.

 

Too bad that’ll never happen.

Outside Shrine Auditorium, 4:32 pm

 

Sometimes I don’t think there is anything in the world more annoying than red carpets. Sure, it’s kind of an ego booster, but all the lights, all the screams, all the reporters, its all annoying. Hell it shouldn’t take anyone more than a minute to walk down a couple hundred feet, but it always takes more like 15 or 20 when you’re ‘famous’. At least I’m half way done. And at least the interviews have been decent. Most of the questions have been pretty generic about my album and when it’s coming out and stuff like that. I’ve only had two people ask me about my love life and I was able to skirt around the question with one and the other I just said “yes” when they asked if I was dating Meredith.

 

I guess it doesn’t really matter. I mean we agreed not to hide anything if we were specifically asked. Back home, when we had our meeting about touring, well it was really a phone conference consisting of us sitting on the couch making out and me teasing her while Johnny and Angie were on the speaker phone. Now that was kinky. We had to stop after a while because they got pretty heavy into business stuff about the tour and about press releases.

 

Meredith arrived here a bit earlier than I did because she’s performing tonight. She sent me a text message and said, “here goes nothing, luv ya” about twenty minutes before I arrived. I assume that meant she was about to take the carpet. I can’t wait to see what she’s wearing. All she told me was that it was red and short. I hope she does awesome with her performance, hell I know she will. She’s been practicing her ass off this past week during all her promotion in New York. Her album comes out in like a week. I hope that our vacation in Tennessee got her rested up and ready. She’s seemed really happy when I’ve talked to her on the phone, but I haven’t seen her in a week. A damn week.

 

I talked to her last night for fucking three hours on the phone while she was in New York, and I’m not one of these people that really enjoys phone conversations. I’d much rather talk to someone in person. We talked about a lot of stuff. It started off about how her day had been and what she had been up to and then we got on the subject of touring and she had some ideas to tell me about. We reminisced a little bit about our time there when we first hooked up. That was fun, being in New York together, just starting out. I can’t wait to go back there with her. Then she started telling me how strange Courtney had been ever since they left my house in Millington, how fast her moods have changed. I can’t really say that it seems surprising but Mere was suspicious. She said she was snapping a lot at her, which isn’t cool and I’m going to confront the bitch about that if she keeps it up. Mere said that she had been messing up, too. I knew it was only a matter of time before that bitch realized she didn’t know what the hell she was doing.

 

At home she was weirder than normal, quieter, more shy. I know my mom didn’t like her. She kept asking me questions like where she was from, and how Meredith found her as an assistant. And one time I was going into the office to put something up for mom and I found the damn girl up there snooping. She claimed she was trying to find a place she could hook up to the internet.

 

Yeah. Right.

 

I tried to get Meredith to tell me more about what was going on with Courtney so maybe I could figure some shit out and confront her and get her to change her damn attitude or get lost.

 

But then Meredith made this moan.

 

And I was like oh shit.

 

She claimed she was getting into the bathtub. I made fun of her and told her she better not drop her phone and electrocute herself. It was a cover up so she couldn’t know how bad I wanted to be with her again. And she teased the hell out of me, too. We didn’t have phone sex. I asked her to and she said she was too tired, but she still teased me, and I still fucking masturbated like a pervert while she was talking to me. I think she knew it, too. She kept giggling. I didn’t finish though, I thought that might be rude to make her listen to me jack off while she was trying to have a conversation with me, telling me about how kick ass and sexy her performance was gonna be tonight. I couldn’t help doing a little something though. I had to do something. I think I’m addicted to her.

 

We had sex twice that first night, once in the bed, the second time in the shower. The first time, well it really meant something to both of us. It’s like sometimes you can just have sex and it’s all fun and feels great, but this was that and more. I really felt like I was inside of her, ya know? I guess that’s kind of a stupid and cheesy thing to say, but I did. I felt connected, I felt loved and I know she did, too. I can’t remember being that happy in, in a long, long…pretty long time. But then we decided to get in the shower. And that was fucking hot. We were seriously just going to take a shower, get clean and go to bed. And I was standing behind her watching her as she was getting all wet and slippery and hot in the water. I couldn’t help myself so I held her, pushing her back into my front. I just wanted to hold her, I didn’t expect anything more. She asked me how I could get a hard-on again so easily, but it had been a while since we had finished. I was going to explain, thinking she was mad at me but then she turned her head and started to kiss me, still standing in front of me. I let her do it and then felt her hand reach behind her and grab me and touch me and start stroking. I started to suck on her neck and I touched her in between her legs, making her gasp and grab onto my head with her other free hand, holding it so my lips couldn’t move from her neck. Before I could think she had her hands against the wall of my shower, her body bent forward in front of me, towards the wall. She was moaning, fucking moaning my damn name and I was holding her hips, doing her all slow from behind as the water came down on her lower back and slid all around us.

 

Shit, I gotta stop this. I can’t think about this. I can’t get hard during interviews.

 

We had sex two nights later. It was the night before she left and that was weird but not bad. My parents were home and even though I didn’t care and was pretty confident that my parents weren’t going to barge in or sneak at the door to try and listen, she wanted it to be quiet. And it was so hot watching her face, seeing her try her best not to let any sound come out, trying to be quiet and panting and whispering my name.

 

I swear. Sex with her is better than I had fantasized about it all those months.

 

So much better.

 

Her body is amazing.

 

She’s amazing.

 

Last time I saw her amazing body she was pulling out of my driveway in Millington, dramatically blowing kisses at me and waving like she was Miss America. I know it was a front. I know she was really sad that she was gonna be away for a week. So was I. I wanted her to stay with me that extra day in Tennessee before I flew back to LA, but she couldn’t. I think my grandma wanted her to stay an extra day too. Grandma wanted to teach her how to make fudge.

 

Tennessee…damn, that was like the best fucking trip home ever and not just because she let me have sex with her, but I don’t know. Something about having her there with my family and really being home, it felt perfect. Everyone loved her, too. The only damper in the trip was the business with the tour shit. I mean, we’re gonna do it and it’s probably gonna be really awesome, but I can’t say I’m not nervous as hell about it.

 

When we talked on the phone last night, Mere had some ideas about us singing together on stage and what not. She was telling me all her ideas for her songs. She played me her album while we were at home and there’s really only one or two songs that are a glimpse of what she was being molded into on her past record. She’s really come a long way and I think this album is gonna get her to that point where people are talking about her songs and her voice and not just the fact that she’s got a name in the tabloids.

 

I actually let her hear the finished product of my album. She’s one of the few people that have. We listened to it together in Tennessee and she loved it and squealed when she heard our songs. They are pretty damn good. One she’s really just the co-writer and a backup singer. It’s a pretty standard ballad but it’s got good vocals, if that’s not cocky to say about myself and the lyrics are pretty deep. It’s called “Stand Alone.” She’s a good writer, especially if that’s really the first time she’s done it. Then there’s this other song we wrote that’s pretty sexy. In fact, looking back on it I can’t believe we were writing that and singing that in the studio and were able to keep our hands off each other. It’s a dance track, but it’s pretty fucking hot. I don’t know what we’ll do on stage for that one, but we are planning on performing the three songs we did together on stage together.

 

I just hope that nothing happens like us getting in a fight and her not wanting to come out on stage and perform with me. I don’t think she would be that petty, but I don’t know. What if I fuck up again? I don’t want to, I don’t plan on it. But I’m not perfect. Like, what if something happens between us? I’m not saying I’m gonna break up with her, I don’t want to, god she’s perfect for me. And…and I love her, I really do. I mean, we’re in love and shit, but still. I’ve never toured with someone I’ve been dating. Sure they’ve come on the road with me, but this is different. This is her performing every night and then me coming out and us doing some song together and then me finishing the concert. This is like what married artists do who have kids, like Tim McGraw and Faith Hill.

 

Mere and I just started out. And my tour is different, it’s clubs, it’s no frills, just the music and I know she can pull it off, but she’s never done that before. She always has backup dancers and I don’t know if she’s ever really performed with a live band, one that she really interacts with.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really looking forward to it and I really think it’ll give her some more credibility. Maybe people will stop seeing her as just another female pop act and see the amazing amount of talent she has. But I’m still nervous. And it’s been hard because I can’t really say that to her because I don’t wanna hurt her feelings and make her think that I’m doubting her or us.

 

I actually have more faith in her than, than I think she realizes. I wish I had a way to show her that, really show her.

 

I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about her and I have to wonder if I’ve ever felt this way before. I was so immature in my previous relationships. I tried to pretend that I wasn’t, I tried to act like I knew everything and its not to say those relationships weren’t serious, ‘cause dammit they were, but its just so different now.

 

And Meredith, well at times I still think she has a lot of growing up to do. A lot of times I think she’s just too optimistic, too trusting, too blind to how the world really is. But she’s not stupid and she’s not naïve.

 

She’s special.

 

And she’s mine.

 

I smile, blink and focus on the guy in front of me and slide my hand into his.

 

“Thanks for the chat, Justin!”

 

I shake his hand and nod. “No problem.”

 

I walk away from that part of the press line, hearing other reporters shout my name, camera men and fans are screaming it to. I just walk right over to Trace who was behind me standing a few feet away and say, “’Who’s next?”

 

He guides me further along the carpet and I’m thankful that we are almost done. I really do hate this shit. “Access Hollywood, then MTV and then wave and smile and then we’re done.” I do what he says and wave and smile to some of the fans there. Shit, those girls look like they might fall out of their seats and over that damn wall. That would suck.

 

“Thank god.”

 

I look over where Trace is walking and follow him over to where Access Hollywood has stationed themselves. Ya know, I think something’s going on with Trace. And he hasn’t told me yet and I haven’t pushed cause I know that he’ll tell me eventually. But I think something happened with him in Tennessee and I’m not really sure what. He’s been quieter than normal, and he’s been spending a hell of a lot of time on his phone, which is normal, but he’s been getting these calls and keeps like leaving the room, and that’s not abnormal, but he does it like every time the damn thing rings. Maybe Elisha’s been calling again.

 

Mere has told me her theory, but I refuse to believe he’s sleeping with Courtney until I hear it from his own damn mouth.

 

I shake my head and wave some more and walk right over to Billy who’s standing there with a microphone talking to his camera man. He spots me and waves me over with his microphone, saying my name. I see the camera lights are on so this is going to go straight into interview. Sometimes you get a small prep time but I guess not today.

 

“Hey Justin.”

 

“Hey, long time no see.” I say and I shake his hand. I’ve done lots of interviews with Billy Bush. He’s a pretty cool guy. Kind of looks weird to me, but whatever. He’s never that annoying, asks the normal stuff and will sometimes throw in a different question which can be fun to answer. ‘Cause these red carpet things, shit, you’d think people could be a little more original in their questions. I guess it’s a challenge for me to try to answer the same questions in different ways.

 

“Saying that to me?” He laughs. “What about you! Acting seems to have taken up all your time. How does it feel to be here at the movie awards now that you’ve starred in a couple?”

 

I put on my charming interview smile and nod. “Definitely have much more respect for what goes on in the movie business, but the great thing about the MTV awards is they’re always fun, never take themselves too seriously.”

 

“Speaking of serious, we’ve got some news this week that your album date is September 12th, correct.”

 

I nod again and smile. “Yes.”

 

“And you are going to be going on tour in a few weeks…”

 

I think I know where Billy’s headed. I’m surprised more people didn’t ask tonight. Very surprised it, well she, didn’t take over all my interviews. But I know where he’s going with these questions and I just smile and go along with it. “Yes, we just got all that planned out and the dates and everything and we start rehearsals next week.”

 

He smiles at me and says, “Rumor has it that a special someone is going to be tagging along for the tour.” Then he pushes the microphone in my face.

 

“Billy, I never thought you listened to rumors.” I just try and play it off. I’m sure he’s talked to her already tonight and I know it’s going to be huge news tonight or tomorrow or whenever they air this interview and its headlines that me and Mere are official. Whatever.

 

“Actually these rumors are true. It came out today that Meredith Craven is going to be touring with you. She’s performing tonight as well.”

 

“Yes.” Ok, this is getting a little awkward. It’s kind of weird talking about her with someone else, someone in the press. I guess I should get use to it since we agreed not to hide it. He hasn’t even asked me if I’m dating her, yet.

 

“And you two worked together on both your albums and now you’re going on tour together.” I nod and this new look comes over his face, a new little mischievous look that I don’t really know if I like. I’ve never had a problem with Billy, but I’m starting to get nervous. “So what do you have to say about the rumors that you two are dating?”

 

I laugh, and forget the fact that my stomach is starting to ache. “Who says that they are rumors?”

 

“Well…” Billy laughs. “In fact, she does.”

 

I blink.

 

What did he just say?

 

“We just talked to her a few minutes ago and she said you guys were just good friends and didn’t have time for relationships right now.”

 

I just stare at him. I know I have this weird, curious, little stupid grin on my face. I’m in shock.

 

She denied me. Fucking told the world we weren’t together. But…but we discussed this.

 

We had a fucking meeting with Angie and Johnny.

 

We agreed. What…what the hell?

 

“Justin?”

 

I can hear my heart beat in my ears and snap out of my weird daze when Billy Bush says my name and I smile and laugh it off, doing what I’ve been trained to do for the past ten years when questions like this happen: bull shit. “Well you know how some girls are, they always like to play hard to get. But I’m sure she’s gonna bring down the house tonight and our tour together is gonna be unstoppable. So you guys be on the look out for the dates to come out in just a few days.”

 

I think Billy takes the hint, plus he knows he only gets a certain amount of time with me. He nods and puts his hand out for me to shake again. “Alright. Sounds great. As always, it’s a pleasure Mr. Timberlake. Enjoy your night.”

 

“Thanks Billy.” I smile tightly and whip around and march over to Trace, mumbling through my teeth, “What the fuck was that?”

 

“I don’t know. I thought you guys planned not to lie.”

 

“We did…” I sigh and look at him, pleading with him. Shit, I don’t know what to do. I feel like my world just got blown up a little bit. Ok that’s pretty dramatic thinking, but shit. I can see it now: “Timberlake says Yes, Craven says No,” “Is Meredith really playing hard to get or is Justin delusional?”

 

Fuck, maybe I am delusional.

 

This has to be a bad dream. Wake up Justin. WAKE UP!

 

Shit, I’m still here. “What the hell Trace? I talked to her about this two hours ago on the phone to confirm everything.”

 

He takes a deep breath and blows it out, “Calm down, we’ll handle it in a second, you still got interviews to do.”

 

Fuck. Why did I wear this fucking sweater? I push up the sleeves and wave and smile and bull shit my life some more. It’s hot as fuck. We walk slowly down the carpet some more. I wanna run. I wanna find her and figure out what the hell she was thinking. Is she pissed at me? Is this some joke?

 

‘Cause its not fucking funny!

 

“Shit. I even told another reporter we were dating. Now there’s gonna be all this conflicting shit all over the press.”

 

“Like I said, calm down. Smile and wave and go over and do MTV and we’ll figure it out.” He literally pushes on my back toward the raised MTV platform and the next few minutes blur by.

 

I don’t even know what the hell I say to the reporter. I have no idea. I just go, I do my normal shit and thankfully she doesn’t ask me a damn thing about Meredith. Everything blurs but it doesn’t happen fast.

 

It seems to take a long time until I’m really conscious of what’s happening around me. The next thing I really remember is being in my seat in the auditorium, glancing around, trying not to look too suspicious, trying to find out where the hell she’s sitting so maybe I can go figure out what the hell her little brain is thinking. Trace is talking to me, acting like we’re in this deep discussion but I know he’s just covering for me, just so that other people don’t start talking to me and asking me questions. I pull my hat off my head and run my hand over my hair.

 

“Where the hell is she, Trace?”

 

“I don’t know, she’s probably already in her dressing room.”

 

That gives me an idea and I slide out my Sidekick from my slacks pocket and log onto the internet so maybe I can IM her if she’s on, it’s too noisy to call and I might leave her a text but I’ll try this first.

 

Thankfully when I sign on I see her name there in the list thing and immediately send her a message.

 

ButtMonkey81: Where are you?

 

I wait like a minute and it feels like it’s taking forever. Trace is laughing at me. I know I’m blowing this up, but my mind is running the worst case scenario. Like maybe she hates me now, maybe something happened and she was just fucking with me this whole time and now she’s gonna ruin me in front of everyone just to get me back for being an asshole that one time.

 

But she wouldn’t do that. I…I have more faith in her than that.

 

More faith in us.

 

I just don’t understand what the fuck she was thinking. Is her fucking memory short term or something? Does she not remember me calling her an hour or two ago confirming that she wanted to tell everyone? She said yes and said she wanted the world to know that I was her man and that she couldn’t wait to get drunk with me tonight and party.

 

I sigh and glance down, thankful she finally responded.

 

NoYouMayNot: dressing room

NoYouMayNot: i’m next to christina’s room. there’s a bathroom right outside of it. come see me ;)

 

I sign off and slide my phone back in my pocket and stand up. “Come on…”

 

“Whoa, hold up…”

 

I look down at Trace and shrug, “I’m going to find Meredith. You wanna stay here, then stay here.”

 

He sighs and pushes himself out of the chair and I just turn and start to walk, trying to figure out where the fuck I’m supposed to go. It’s like the longer I don’t know what’s going on and the longer that I’m completely in the dark about why she said what she said, the more angry I get. And it’s not really that I’m angry at her, I just…

 

I hate being confused like this. I hate looking like a fucking fool.

 

“I’m sure she’s not pissed or anything.”

 

“Well I am.”

 

I don’t look at him and push myself into the backstage area, ignoring the waves and the random “hey Justin’s” from people that I kind of know.

 

It doesn’t take that long to find her room and I stand there in front of her door. It’s halfway open and I push it open a little bit and everyone looks up. Courtney’s there, and Shanda is too, working on Meredith’s make up. There are some other girls in there as well, about three of them. I don’t know them but they look like they might be some of her dancers.

 

“Hey guys…” She smiles at me, brightly and it’s genuine and I’m completely confused. Either she’s a really good actress or she has no idea what she just did out there on the red carpet. Is she really that dumb?

 

Maybe...maybe Billy got his info mixed up. No, no that’s impossible.

 

I don’t move my eyes from her and the shadowy makeup she has on. I notice that her smile drops and she sits up a little bit in her chair. “Can I talk to you alone?”

 

She opens her mouth to speak but instead Shanda speaks up for her. “No, I gotta get her ready.”

 

I cross my arms over my chest and come in the small room after pushing the door all the way open. Everyone’s staring at me and I glance at Courtney, expecting to get some accusatory judging stare, but she’s not looking at me. I roll my eyes, “Then everyone else can leave.”

 

“What’s wrong…” Her voice is a whisper.

 

“I need to talk to you.” I know I sound like an asshole but I feel I have a good reason to act this way.

 

The next thing I know Courtney is standing up and pushing the other people in the room past me. “Come on girls, you guys need to get your outfits on anyway.”

 

They leave and it’s just me, Shanda and Meredith. I don’t even know where the hell Trace is. It doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is figuring out what the fuck is going on.

 

She shakes her head, her hair is pulled back in a slick ponytail and it bounces as her head moves. She narrows her eyes at me, glaring. “What the hell?”

 

It sets me off and I know it shouldn’t but I can’t help it and I go flying. I throwing my fucking hat on the small bench they have on the other side of the room and stare at her. “I should be asking YOU that! What the fuck were you thinking?”

 

“Um, excuse me…” She brushes Shanda’s hands away and sits up in her chair. “What are you talking about?”

 

“The red carpet.” I try to pace but I can’t cause the room is so small and I find myself biting at my nails. I force them into my pockets to make me stop and glare at her. She’s glaring back at me and I don’t understand it. This is her fucking fault.

 

I think.

 

“I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to lie about being together and you fucking lied, unless of course you don’t want to be with me or something…”

 

Suddenly the color drains in her face and she falls back against her chair and uncrosses her legs, making her white robe slip open a little bit. “What…” She licks her lips nervously and taps her thumb on the arm of the chair. Finally she moves so she’s standing up and pacing in front of me. “I- I was told right before I got out of the limo that the plan had changed, that your management wouldn’t let us.”

 

“What? My management?” I laugh bitterly. Is she serious? My management wouldn’t fuck something up like that. They haven’t since I’ve been in this fucking business. Why would they start now? “Are you fucking serious?”

 

“Whoa, you two calm down just a second…” I feel a hand on my shoulder and look over at the girl that’s standing kind of in between us, her hands on each of our shoulders. She looks at me and then at Meredith. “I’m gonna go out for a few minutes but I’ll be right back. Try not to kill each other.”

 

I just put my arms over my chest and the door clicks shut.

 

She takes a breath and looks at me, looks…shit, looks at me like she’s about to cry.

 

I think I’m starting to get it now. She doesn’t know what the hell is going on. And neither do I.

 

“Justin…I’m serious. What’s going on?”

 

I take in a deep breath and unfold my arms. “I had an interview with Access Hollywood and they asked me about you and I told them we were together, or at least hinted at it and then the fucking guy told me that you told him we were just friends and too busy or some shit for a relationship. He said you denied it, right after I pretty much confirmed that we were together.”

 

She puts her hand on her forehead and goes to sit down again. “Courtney told me to say that…”

 

What.

 

What?

 

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

 

“Courtney?” I say, my voice is hoarse. I know I wasn’t screaming just now. It better not be this way when I have to take the stage to present an award.

 

“Justin…” She sighs and holds her head in her hands. “Angie called her like an hour and half ago and said she talked to Johnny and everything and that we weren’t supposed to say anything. I was just doing what they told me to.”

 

“What happened to not letting people tell you what to do?”

 

Ok, I know I shouldn’t have said that. That…that was out of line. But I’m having a hard time controlling my emotions. What does she expect? I’ve been thrown for a loop here, and that normally doesn’t happen. I’ve actually never had this happen in an interview in a situation where I couldn’t just walk out. I’ve had people be asses to me, and I have walked out of interviews before, but I’ve never had a situation like this, where the interviewer was just doing his job, wasn’t being mean, maybe a little sneaky but not talking shit.

 

He was telling me the truth, at least the truth that he thought.

 

Why…why the hell would Courtney or whoever tell her to change her mind? I sure as hell know that Johnny didn’t change his!

 

“Justin!” She stands up again and shakes her head at me. “Dammit I don’t need this. I have to perform in fucking 15 minutes.”

 

“Shit.” I turn around from her and kick the bench there just a little bit, not hard. “Shit shit shit.” My hat falls on the floor.

 

It’s quiet and I take a few calming breaths, just staring at my damned hat on the ground. How could a night I was kind of actually looking forward to turn into this utter shit?

 

I feel a hand on my back and I turn and she’s right there in front of me. Her robes opened in the front now and I can see her black underwear underneath. It’s funny. I don’t even think I could think about sex right now if I wanted to. I look her in the eyes and she’s looking up at me, pleading at me to believe her. And I do. Dammit I do. I just don’t understand how this could get so fucked up. “I thought you were gonna deny it, too. I didn’t know. I swear.”

 

She reaches for my torso and hugs me tightly and I just sigh and put a hand on her back. “I told people we were together Mere and then they are gonna see you denying it and it’s gonna be blown up and…”

 

She pulls away a little bit and smiles up at me. It calms me a little, but not a lot. “Stop being paranoid. We’ll just tell them that it was a joke or something.”

 

“A joke?” Is she serious?

 

“Ya know.” She shakes her head and pulls away from me, the happy look she just had fading from her face. “I haven’t seen you in a fucking week and this is the welcome I get…”

 

I watch her walk over and plop down in her chair. She turns it so she’s not facing my way and fumbles with her phone, not looking at me, ignoring me.

 

“Mere…” She doesn’t say anything and I go over and turn her chair back to me and look at her in her eyes, leaning down towards her. I fucked up ok? I admit it. I was a bit of an asshole to her, but she has to understand why. I’m sure she would flip out on me crying and shit if Billy fucking Bush told her I denied having a relationship with her.

 

“Meredith…”

 

She shakes her head and looks away from me. “Just get out.”

 

“I’m sorry, ok?”

 

She sits up and stares at me. Shit. When I was an ass to her in Miami she looked hurt. She looked betrayed and lost. But not now.

 

No she looks like she’s livid.

 

She’s pissed. At me. Shit.

 

“I got a hell of a lot more important stuff to think about right now than you being pissed at me for doing what I was told.”

 

“Well then you don’t be pissed at me, ok?”

 

She stands up and it forces me to take a step back. Shit, for a second there I thought she was going to smack me or something. “Then you don’t be fucking pissed at me! Five minutes ago I was in the best fucking mood ‘cause I was about to perform and I knew you were coming to see me and now you’re…you’re…”

 

“I’m sorry!” I yell at her. God, now she’s making me feel like shit. And I know I was an ass but none of this is my fault. She’s got to understand me. She knows I hate it when I’m not in control and when shit blows up like this. She knows that.

 

At least I thought she did.

 

She just closes her eyes and sits back down in the chair.

 

There’s a knock and then the door opens and I watch Shanda slip in and close the door behind her. “I gotta finish you up girl, sorry…”

 

Meredith shrugs and then stares at me. “You’re welcome to stay here, but I do not want you in here if you’re gonna be making me feel like shit.”

 

“I won’t, I promise.” I go sit down on the bench and pick up my hat and stare at the back of her head as Shanda starts doing more to her face. “I’m sorry I busted in here and put you in a bad mood.”

 

“You should be.”

 

“Meredith…” I sigh, and I try to think of something to change the mood, something sweet that’ll make her happy. I know I just fucked up. I shouldn’t have gotten her all messed up and angry before her performance. I’ll admit that was wrong of me. But, I can’t help it. I’m an intense person and I get emotional easily and she knows that.

 

“When I’m done performing and after you present, we’re leaving.”

 

“What?” I lick my lips and narrow my eyes at the back of her head. She’s still pissed at me. Her voice still has that bitter tone.

 

I see her look at me through the mirror and she stares. “You said earlier today you didn’t want to stay late anyway, so we’re leaving and we’re gonna go home and talk about this.”

 

“What else do we have to talk about?” I sigh. Dammit I’m tired of this conversation. Her people fucked up. Big time. And that’s that. And I don’t wanna discuss it. I just wanna get over this and get home. It’s been a fucking week since I’ve been with her and now our first moments together are all ruined. And…and I know I was the one to ruin them and well, shit. I don’t wanna admit that. My pride won’t let me. I’m sorry for yelling at her, but I’m not gonna apologize for this situation ‘cause it wasn’t my fault. She might have been doing what she was told on the red carpet but so was I, dammit.

 

So was I.

 

Shanda turns her in her chair and I get to look at her face to face. She laughs at me, fucking laughs at me. “Are you serious right now?”

 

“Look, I’m just a little confused how it all could just blow up like this.”

 

She starts to smile an angry smile, and then she shakes her head, rolling her eyes too. “Maybe because you’re the one that blew it up.”

 

I bite my tongue. I need to get out of here before I fuck up more. I push myself off the bench and nod at her. “I’m gonna leave. Good luck on your performance.”

 

“Yeah…” She rolls her eyes at me again and I decide to just leave the room and get out of here and give her some space.

 

Shit. This is not good.

 

Trace is leaning against the opposite wall, yawning.

 

I look at him for a moment and he notices me and nods. I just cross my arms over my chest, look down one way of the hallway and then the next and then stare at him again.

 

“Where’s Courtney?”

 

“I don’t know…” He shrugs.

 

He’s lying and I glare at him. “Find her.”

 

That bitch is going to hear it from me.

 

‘Cause I know this was her doings. I knew from the fucking moment I met her that she was planning something. And even if she wasn’t planning this, she probably got her information wrong and now Meredith and I are fighting and there’s gonna be a big tabloid story. And even if she was doing what someone told her, I wanna know every god damn word that was said. I was working out with Jason this past week and he brought along one of his friends. We were just talking and he said he worked for this photography company that did a lot of celebrity shoots. The name of the company sounded familiar. I racked my brain trying to remember where it was from and it was from when Angie and I were talking at the Look Your Way shoot. We were talking about Courtney, I was asking her where she found her.

 

And she told me. It was the same place Jason’s friend worked at. So I asked him if he knew her.

 

He knew her. But this friend of Jason’s knew something else too.

 

“What’s…”

 

I shake my head at him, grit my teeth and cut him off.

 

“Find her.”

On Sunset, 8:31 p.m.

 

It’s silent in the car.

 

The awkward type of silence but I guess I’m thankful for it because it’s a change from the screaming match that took place, oh about 30 seconds ago. After Justin talked to Meredith he went rabid trying to find Courtney, but she seemed to disappear and I was glad. He kept mumbling shit about everything being her fault. He’s letting stress get to him and he’s getting in his paranoid mode. It happened when he started promo before he released Justified. Justin’s normally a cool guy, but every now and then he gets in his place where he’s so paranoid about everything. He’s been this way since I’ve known him, but now that he’s in the spotlight so much his paranoia is a little more extreme at times. It’s not that he’s unstable or needs mental help or something. He can just get a little panicky when things start going wrong.

 

Still doesn’t excuse him from yelling at Courtney a few seconds ago. When we couldn’t find her at the awards we just sat down in our seats and watched the show. Meredith’s performance was really good and Justin seemed to relax a bit and enjoy it. Then he had to go up and present. As soon as he finished and walked back to the backstage area, she was there with a water bottle in her hand, talking to Shanda. Courtney was there too, and she asked us if we wanted to go ahead and leave with them.

 

Justin said, “gladly” in this sarcastic, smart ass tone.

 

I tried to pull her aside and warn her that I thought Justin might go off on her, but Justin kept talking to me, distracting me. We made our way outside and got in the limo Meredith came in. She was acting weird, too. She’s not said a word since we got in this damn thing, just sat in the corner, looking out the window, ignoring everything and everyone, especially Justin. She’s even got her legs crossed and her body turned away from him since he’s sitting beside her. Courtney’s sitting across from me on the seat against the side of the limo. Justin told me he and his girl argued before, and he better start begging for forgiveness ‘cause she looks pissed.

 

And the one person that really should be pissed right now, isn’t angry, at least she doesn’t look that way. No she’s just sitting back here, looking down in her lap, trying not to cry. She’s upset and I know that’s soon going to be turned against her and she might blow up.

 

And then he’ll blow up, too. Shit, this isn’t fun.

 

‘Cause Justin can be an asshole and not give a shit about making other people feel horrible when he’s pissed.

 

I’m still unsure what all happened tonight, what mixed up. But so far what I’ve figured out is that Angie called Courtney right before Meredith was going to take the red carpet and was panicking and saying that Justin’s management and her decided that they need to still keep it under wraps and they would do an official statement through their reps later in the week. All Courtney had time to tell Meredith was that she needed to say no to any question about her love life. But it’s not really Courtney’s fault. She was just doing what she was told. I just don’t know how someone’s management could get so confused about all this. I called Johnny and he confirmed that they did talk about doing an official statement later in the week, but he wasn’t sure how Angie got the idea for them to deny their relationship.

 

“Do you understand that your story makes no sense?”

 

Shit. Justin, why do you have to start this back up? I’d say it to his face but I know I’d get nothing more than a cold stare.

 

“I told you what happened!” She yells at him and smacks the leather on both sides of her. “What more do you want from me?”

 

Here we go again.

 

Justin crosses his arms over his chest and glares at her. “You know I don’t trust you, so this just makes me question a lot of things.”

 

“Well it doesn’t matter if you trust me, it matters if Meredith trusts me and she does.” I notice Meredith rolling her eyes. I don’t blame her. Some people say it’s bad to keep things bottled up, but I think she’s being pretty damn smart. I know she wants to go off on Justin and she’s waiting, waiting until they are at home so she doesn’t embarrass him. She’s a private person and she knows he is too. I’d almost pay to see her tell Justin off. I bet it would be funny. I bet he’d start getting defensive and be pleading and begging for forgiveness and she’d just blow him off.

 

Justin, though, decided to have no tact tonight. He’s trying to embarrass Courtney and it’s not cool. I’d tell him to stop, but I don’t know. Then he’d just be pissed at me.

 

“Do you, Mere?”

 

She shrugs Justin’s hand off her shoulder and glares at him. “I’m not a part of this conversation.”

 

He gives her this unbelieving look and I glance at Courtney. She’s just huffing and rolling her eyes at them. Shit, I wonder if they have liquor in this damn car. Maybe that’ll make everyone else lighten up. I hate it when people are all pissy and fighting like this. “You have to. It deals with you. You can’t just sit there.”

 

“Watch me.” She glares at Justin and pushes herself off the seat and comes over to plop down on the other side of me. She curls up away from me, too and starts to take off her shoes, setting the spiky heels in her lap.

 

I hear Courtney laugh and look up to see her staring Justin down. “You’ve pissed her off, so don’t expect her to be all over you.”

 

“Just shut up!” He bites out at her. “I mean really Courtney, whose fucking management is stupid enough to call right before someone takes the carpet? And then why didn’t someone call me and tell me? It just makes no sense. I think you’re lying.”

 

“Yes, ‘cause you think I’ve lied about everything since you met me Justin. I don’t know what it is about me that you hate, but this fight right here is just an excuse for you to bitch at me ‘cause you don’t like me. And it’s pathetic and childish.”

 

He laughs all bitter and I run a hand over my head. This is just great. Now I’m starting to get a migraine. “Childish? You’re calling me childish?”

 

“‘Cause you are. You’re a fucking asshole and you know it. You think you’re god’s fucking gift to humanity and I really don’t understand how everyone is so stupid and thinks you’re the coolest person in the world. You’re a son of bitch and you know it.”

 

He shakes his head and I lean my neck back against the cushion and close my eyes, slouching in the seat, wishing I could tone them out. “You call me ‘childish’ and yet, here you are calling me names.”

 

I need a vacation again. Like not going home to Tennessee, but on a beach with a beer doing nothing for days. Yeah, so we got back from Miami a few weeks ago, but still. I need peace and quiet, away from Justin and Courtney and even poor Meredith and all their drama.

 

“But it’s the truth! I told Meredith the next time you were an asshole to her I wasn’t just going to stand by and watch you treat her like shit, so I’m not.”

 

“This doesn’t have anything to do with her! This is about you fucking up!”

 

God, Justin really is an idiot sometimes. He just walked right into that one. It proves to me that he really doesn’t even know why he’s yelling. He’s just worked himself up and can’t get over his pride. If Justin has a good reason to be mad at someone they won’t be able to win the argument. He’ll get the last laugh and they’ll realize they were wrong and beg for forgiveness.

 

But right now he’s the one that’s in the wrong, not Courtney, and he’s fumbling, trying to deal with it.

 

I just sigh and listen as Courtney calls him out on it. “I thought you said a few minutes ago that this had everything to do with Meredith and that’s why you were trying to drag her into the argument.”

 

I like that about her. She doesn’t take any shit. Of course she’s as messed up as Justin about these arguments that don’t really have any foundation, but whatever. I’m not going to point out all her similarities that she has with him, that’d probably just make her kick me in the balls or something.

 

“Stop trying to analyze what I say.”

 

I open my eyes and glance at him. He’s got his arms over his chest and is staring out of the window, trying not to pout and look like a little kid. It’s kind of funny. I glance over at Courtney and she has this little angry, victorious smile on her face. She’s gone from her head bent and her hands in her lap, to angry, pissed off Courtney.

 

A woman shouldn’t look this sexy when she’s angry. It’s just not fair.

 

She laughs at him. “What’s there to analyze when you never say anything of value?”

 

It’s quiet for a moment and I close my eyes again, thinking maybe she’s finally put him in his place and we’ll all get home and everything will just die down and be normal again tomorrow morning.

 

“How much value is this then?” My eyes pop open and I stare at him. What the hell is he going to say? He has his cocky grin on his face and is smiling all smug at her. Fuck. “Why’d you get fired?”

 

Her eyes dart in her lap and she shrugs, trying to act like she doesn’t know what he’s saying. What is he saying? “What are you talking about?” she asks.

 

He licks his lips and stretches his legs out in front of him. “At Whitham or whatever it’s called.”

 

I stare at her. Her face is red, she looks like she might explode, but she doesn’t. Her voice is quiet and timid. “Wh-what are you talking about?”

 

“I was hoping you could explain that to me.” He shrugs.

 

I glance back over at Courtney. She was fired? How did she get fired? I thought she said she was just tired of it and wanted to get into doing PA stuff. “I don’t know what you are talking about and neither do you.”

 

“Nice cover, bitch.”

 

He laughs at her and I know I should hit him for using that word with her, but I don’t. I just stare as Courtney leans forward towards him and narrows her eyes. “Look-”

 

“Just both of you shut the fuck up, God!”

 

I blink and slowly turn my head to my left. Meredith is glaring at Justin and then moves her glare to Courtney. She’s got her hand against her forehead and I don’t think I’ve ever seen the girl this pissed off. I’ve seen her upset a couple times, but shit. She’s livid.

 

Justin starts to speak. “I’m-”

 

“No!” She screams and then takes a breath and leans forward. “Just shut up.”

 

The next thing I know she’s turned the radio onto the local Top 40 station and turned it up so loud so that none of us can really think about anything else. It’s a good idea. I pass her a sympathetic look. Poor girl, she knows what happened tonight was a mess up, but she’s probably the one being the most mature right now. I’m with her and don’t blame her for screaming at them. Justin and Courtney are both being a little immature.

 

I mean I feel sorry for both of them and know they both think they are in the right. But they really should just cool off before they start ripping each other apart.

 

Thankfully, we aren’t far from Justin’s place. After about two songs and some commercials on the radio we end up at Justin’s. The poor limo driver doesn’t even have time to get out of the car and open the door for us before Meredith bolts out. Damn, what did Justin and her argue about? She seems really pissed off.

 

We all file out after her and she marches straight to Justin’s front door barefooted. He’s trying his best to catch up to her.

 

“Meredith, we got that photo shoot around lunch time tomorrow…” Courtney says. Meredith just waves her off and glares at Justin and he gets his door open. “Meredith!” Courtney calls after her, but the door is shut and we’re left in the driveway, alone with the limo driver.

 

“Just let her go,” I say, putting my hands on her shoulders and squeezing them gently.

 

She twists away from me and glares. “Don’t touch me.”

 

She looks like she’s about to break down. Shit, she’s gonna break down. I gotta fix this. I don’t want her to start crying and stuff.

 

“What?”

 

She ignores me and walks over to the driver who’s standing there. Poor guy, he probably thinks we’re a bunch of freaks. I guess we kind of are. “Thank you for driving Jake. Do you think you could take me back to my-”

 

I cut her off and shake the guy’s hand. “She’s staying here, thanks man.”

 

I grab her arm and start to pull her towards my house. She doesn’t protest at first, but finally pushes me off her once we get closer to my home and whispers to me, “Are you serious? Get off me.” I don’t know why she’s whispering now.

 

“Courtney, stop it.” I look her in the eyes and grab her upper arms and force her to look back at me. “You look like you’re about to cry. Just come in and talk to me. I’ll take you home in a second. Just cool off a bit first.”

 

She frowns and breaks away from me, walking to my house. “I hate you.”

 

I just smile and follow her, pulling out my keys. We end up in my house and she drops herself onto my couch. I walk past her and into the kitchen, opening up the fridge. “You want a drink?”

 

“I want to go home.”

 

I look up and she’s got her face in her hands and she’s leaning forward. I hear her sniff.

 

I shut the fridge and come right over to her and sit down. Shit! I…I didn’t know she was going to cry. God, I hope she stops. “Are…are you crying?”

 

I try to rub her back but she jumps away like I’m poisonous or something. She hisses out at me, “Don’t touch me.” And then wipes at her face.

 

Shit.

 

“Courtney…”

 

“I don’t understand it, what did I do?” She shakes her head. God, she’s a fucking mess. I didn’t know Justin got to her this bad.

 

Oh God. Don’t tell me she has some sort of….thing for him.

 

I suck in a breath and press my back into the couch staring straight in front of me. “Look I don’t know what’s-“

 

She cuts me off and is glaring at me. “How can you be friends with him?”

 

I don’t say anything for a while because I’m trying to think about how to explain this to her. I admit Justin can get in these horrible moods and can come off as a complete asshole. But he’s not a bad guy. I just don’t know how I’m gonna try and explain to Courtney why he is the way he is. I sigh and turn to her on the couch, speaking slowly to make sure I word everything right. The last thing I need is to say something wrong and then have her take it the wrong way and go blab to Justin and have him put me on his chopping block.

 

“Justin is just, he’s closed off. He doesn’t trust people easily, at all. I know he’s going to regret what he said to you and he’ll probably apologize tomorrow. He’s getting stressed ‘cause of all the album stuff and unfortunately he’s taking it out on you. And that’s not fair at all, I agree. It’s not that Justin cares about bad press. Bad press is going to happen and he knows that. It’s just made up shit. But this wasn’t. This was something he thought he had under control. When his control is taken away from him suddenly and unexpected he freaks out.” I lick my lips and dare myself to say it even though I know I might not have any genitalia left after I do. “You do it, too. You’re more alike than you think. Remember Tennessee, remember after we-”

 

She cuts me off with a harsh voice before I can say anymore. “Stop it. I don’t want to talk about that.”

 

I lean down to try and get her to look at me. “Maybe we should, Courtney. I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to you since that night I came over to Justin’s.”

 

She shakes her head and grins just slightly, “And you hit my window with a stick.”

 

I start to smile and put my arm around her and squeeze her a bit. “See…it’s not…”

 

She pulls away and cuts me off, again. “Why didn’t you stick up for me on the drive back?”

 

I open my mouth to speak but then shut it, realizing I don’t know how to respond. Finally I say, “What?”

 

She crosses her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes at me, challenging me. “You agree Justin was overreacting, right?”

 

“Yeah, but…”

 

“Then why are you so ashamed to stick up for me?”

 

Great. I can’t win. I just can’t win. Either I piss off my best friend or I piss off the girl I’m…the girl I…

 

I don’t even know what she is to me. Shit.

 

She continues. “Why did you have to hide the fact that we were having a conversation that night at Justin’s? Why are you so scared he’s gonna find out that we had sex?” She rolls her eyes. “You’re not dating him, its not cheating.”

 

I sigh and rub my forehead. That migraine is starting to come back and I should probably just get some Advil and go lay down and let her do her thing. “You just don’t understand. I normally tell Justin everything, but I haven’t told him this ‘cause I know he won’t approve.”

 

She laughs bitterly and stands up off the couch. “Oh…nice. Thanks.”

 

Like I said, I just can’t win.

 

“Courtney…”

 

She turns and stares down at me, her hands waving in the air. “You know how pathetic you sound right now. You let him walk over you, too. Dammit, what is with you people! He’s not all that great!”

 

I stand up and shake my head at her, trying to remain calm. If I let myself get upset and angry then this is going to blow up and neither of us need that right now. “Why are you so defensive?”

 

She grits her teeth and grabs at her hair. “Because he hates me Trace! He fucking hates me and no one sticks up for me and says to him that he’s wrong or that he has no right or reason to. Not Meredith, not you. Hell you’re fucking ashamed to even tell him that, that we’re…”

 

I get closer to her and stare at her. “That we’re what?”

 

She looks down at the floor and shrugs, breathing heavily. “I don’t even know ‘cause I don’t even know what the hell we are.”

 

I sigh and pull her against me and hug her. I think she needs it. I think she needs someone to force her to just take a moment and breathe. “Calm down, ok?”

 

I feel her hug me back and lean her head against my shoulder. This, this is much better and I’m glad she’s not pushing me away. I’m no where near ready to get into some sort of romantic relationship with her, but I’ll admit that I like her, I do. When she’s not freaking out about everything.

 

“I am, I’m fucking calm.”

 

I laugh a little bit, “No you’re not.” I run my hand over her back and then pull away and look at her. “If you want me to tell him, I will. I just don’t know what good it’s going to do.”

 

She stares at me. “I just don’t see why we have to be sneaky.”

 

I look away from her. “We’re not dating Courtney.”

 

“I know that.” She pulls away and sits back down on the couch, looking up at me as I walk over to her and sit down again. “But sleeping together isn’t…wasn’t a crime. It happened. And I don’t regret it, either. I just don’t understand why you didn’t even stick up for me in the car when you knew he was in the wrong.”

 

“‘Cause I choose not to deal with Justin when he’s irrational like that. I’ll talk to him tomorrow, ok? I swear I will.”

She takes a breath and nods but doesn’t say anything else to me. It’s quiet so I get up and go to the kitchen to try and look busy, but before I can try and open the fridge or start loading the dishwasher she speaks up. “You should probably take me home.”

 

I shrug and stare at her. “You can stay.”

 

“Right.” She shakes her head at me.

 

I come back out and sit down in one of the barstools by the counter near my kitchen. “Courtney, I’m serious. Stay with me tonight.”

 

She folds her arms over her chest and stares at me. “So all this being nice to me right now is so you can get some ass?”

 

I can’t believe that. I actually hadn’t even thought about it that much tonight. Sure, when I saw her for the first time when Justin went to Mere’s dressing room I thought about how cute she looked and how I wished I could treat her right, like, really spend time with her and show her I cared about her more than just a fast fuck in the backseat of a car. But I didn’t get the chance and I was so occupied with Justin’s freak out that I didn’t really have time to think about her in a sexual way.

 

“Did I mention sex?”

 

“No.”

 

It’s all she says and she just remains staring at my floor, looking miserable. Maybe she hates me now. Maybe this situation is just so fucked up I should just leave her alone and get her out of my sight. ‘Cause dammit, now she brought it up, so now I am fucking thinking about it. She’s got her hair down and she’s got on this purple v-neck shirt that’s all showing off her boobs. And her ass looks damn good in her black pants.

 

Now I am thinking about how soft her skin is and how hot and wet she was when I was fucking her. I grab my keys from where I put them on the counter and slide off the barstool. “So you want me to take you home.”

 

“No…” She sighs, “No…” and goes and sits back on my couch, looking up at me. “I…I’ll stay here.”

 

I stare at her. “Change your mind real fast or something?”

 

She doesn’t look at me and just shrugs. “I guess I don’t wanna go home…”

 

Oh, I get it now. Hell, I thought I was lonely but the more I realize it, the more I think Courtney, as much as she tries to play it off like she loves being independent and that her best friend is her work and herself, she hates being alone. “And be by yourself?”

 

She swallows hard and looks up at me. “Yeah.”

 

I nod at her and turn to the kitchen to figure out something for us to eat. I don’t know if she’s had dinner yet, but I sure haven’t. I pull out some beers for us and grab some chips. While I’m doing that, I hear the TV come on and glance over to see that she’s taken off her shoes and curled up in one corner of the couch with the remote in her hand. She is really pretty. Like, I think when I first saw her, that first time in New York I was shocked. I tried to play it off like I didn’t like her but that’s bull shit. She’s pretty, she’s hot. And I think from that moment I wanted her and was attracted to her. I tried to push it away ‘cause I was still so fucked up over Elisha.

 

I guess in a way I still am, but I don’t know. Courtney’s been a distraction. I just don’t know if it’s just a distraction or if I’m really ya know, moving on. I hope I am.

 

But damn is she looking hot tonight. I gotta control myself, though. Even if she asks for it and pushes me up against the couch like she did against the car in the rain, I can’t. I don’t want her yelling at me and crying and getting upset and blaming me. Part of me wants to sleep with her again. Another part of me is terrified to. After that night of me sneaking around and tapping on her window and shit, after that conversation, that was it for us. I mean sure I came over and hung out with Justin and Mere and she was there. But she was so fucking reclusive and awkward. Meredith was trying her best to include her into things, but she was always tired or had work to do. What the fuck kind of work did she have to do?

 

This…this is the first time we’ve really been by ourselves since that day, that day I tapped on her window, that day I fucked her in the backseat of my mom’s car.

 

I almost laugh. I fucked someone in the backseat of my mom’s car.

 

I’m a slut.

 

I set the food down on the coffee table and get comfortable next to her, but I keep a good distance so that she won’t think I’m trying to make the moves on her. I guess I’ll sleep on the couch tonight and she can take my bed. I wouldn’t mind sharing a bed with her. I’d offer but I don’t want her assuming I’m trying to get in her pants.

 

Like I know she will.

 

There’s absolutely nothing on TV, not even on HBO. We end up watching some rerun of The Apprentice or something. I’m not really a fan, but she sets the remote down when it lands on it. We don’t talk, we just drink our damn beers and eat and watch.

 

It’s awkward, but I don’t complain because she’s calm and not yelling or crying or freaking out.

 

But I can’t help it. The silence is freaking me out, so I go and make up some bull shit question to ask her, “You want something to sleep in?”

 

She looks at her watch and laughs. “It’s not even nine, Trace.”

 

“Oh…well we can just watch TV or something.” I’m an idiot. I really act like an idiot when I like a girl. Shit, I’m not supposed to like Courtney. I mean of course I like her, but not….not in that way. Maybe in a couple months, after some time has past and I’m sure I’m over Elisha and know Court better. I’ve spent a bit of time with her, but I still feel like I don’t know her that well. Like I know nothing about her past and it’s not like it’s some secret she just, hasn’t reveled it. And in a way I kind of think she’s done it on purpose.

 

The Trump fires someone and she laughs at the fuss they make and I just watch her and think about what Justin brought up in the car. I try to stop myself, my brain thinks it then tells my mouth to shut up, but before my mouth tries to stop itself, it just comes out. “Were you really fired?”

 

And she turns slowly to me and stares. Great, hold onto your balls kid ‘cause she’s about to rip them off you.

 

She sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly and I wait in agony, about to grab myself. Finally, after a moment she says, “I was let go, it happens to a lot of people. I don’t know how Justin knows that, but it doesn’t matter to me. It’s not that big of a deal.”

 

“Oh…”

 

I don’t know how Justin found out about that, and I guess I should probably ask him about it sometime. I don’t think he’d be obsessive and paranoid enough to go through some massive background check on Courtney. That’s just ridiculous. And it was shit for him to pull it out like that and talk about it in front of everyone.

 

I should let him know that, too. I think I’ll talk to him tomorrow. I think I owe her that.

 

We finish watching the episode and when it’s done she promptly picks up the remote and shuts the TV off. I don’t know what that means. I mean, does she want to talk? Or just sit here?

 

I stare at her and she just looks at her beer bottle and then…shit, then she starts peeling off the label.

 

I should tell her to stop, tell her that it’s bad luck.

 

She tips it up and finishes it off. I stare at her lips around the narrow end of the bottle. I gulp and try to force my mind not to think what it’s thinking. But it’s too damn late. I wanna be that fucking bottle. She pulls it away and licks her lips, then puts the crumbled label and the bottle on the coffee table and sighs.

 

Then she turns to me and stares at me. I don’t know what to do and try to act like I don’t notice, looking around my small house, trying to think of something to talk about. But nothing comes to my mind. I just think about her and wonder what she’s doing and think about how her breasts look so good in her shirt and how pretty her hair is down against her shoulders.

 

I feel the couch shift and assume she’s going to get up, but then, shit, then I feel her lips against my neck and her hand against my stomach.

 

I…I wasn’t expecting this.

 

I feel her smile against my skin and she kisses me lightly against my neck and I feel her hand move down… Shit. I take in a sharp breath and turn to her. “Courtney…”

 

She stares at me, her eyes huge. She smiles. “Are you sure about this? I don’t want you to…”

 

Her hand touches my face and she leans in and kisses me lightly. “I’m not going to blow up.” She looks into my eyes and then down for a moment and then back up, whispering, “I…I want it.”

 

Oh God, I hope she’s right cause if I had any restraint in the world it just flew out the window. I let her kiss me again, harder this time. I even let her push me back on the couch and lay on top of me. I should push her away and I should tell her she’s not in the right mind, that she’s just looking for comfort and she doesn’t really want this.

 

But maybe she does really want this and if she’s looking for comfort, that’s not a crime.

 

I just let her use me. I know that’s such a bad thing to say, but I don’t mind it. Really I don’t. I just lay there and enjoy it, I let her kiss me. I kiss her back. I let her touch me and I touch her back, but I make a point not to be aggressive. I don’t want her to regret this. And I don’t want her to freak out and think I’m forcing her or that this doesn’t mean anything to me.

 

‘Cause it does. Shit, I think it means more than I realize. It…it makes me happy when I calm her down and ease her worries. And right now, with her on top of me, her head against my chest, laying there in just her underwear, that makes me feel good.

 

It’s the little moments like this that make me wonder if maybe I got it wrong. Maybe…maybe I am ready. Maybe I do like her more than I admit to.

 

But I can’t give in, not yet. I can’t just go for it with her ‘cause I don’t know her and I don’t know if these mini freak outs she has, the wall she has built up, her addiction to being in control, I don’t know what that means, and it’s rude and it’s selfish but I really don’t want to get involved with a girl that’s unstable or that isn’t really ready to be committed. I can’t have her dragging me down.

 

I can’t have some girl make me fall for her and then drag me down. I won’t let it happen again.

 

She starts kissing my chest and I can’t help myself. I pull her up against me and kiss her mouth hungrily. I want her. Fuck, I want her so bad.

 

She lets me have her, not there on the couch but we make it to the bedroom. And as she finishes taking off her clothes and lies down next to me on my bed I start to wonder who the real Courtney is. Is she really some angry bitch who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else? Is she really some broken little girl that doesn’t know what she’s doing? Or is she a mixture of them both?

 

Or maybe she’s who she is right now, laying beside me, kissing me, calm, relaxed, dare I say happy, maybe this is who she wants to be. Maybe she’s begging to be like this all the time.

 

And maybe she just can’t. Maybe she’s just too scared to go down that path and to let someone else take over.

 

I think that’s what I’m afraid of too and as she lets me get on top of her and as she lets me inside of her I know, I know I gotta be careful, too.

 

I gotta be damn careful or she’s going to take over me and I’m going to fall in love with her.

 

And I just can’t let that happen.

Justin’s kitchen, 9:01 p.m.

 

The phone rings fives times and she doesn’t pick up, and Court always fuckin’ answers her phone. The damn building could be on fire and she’d answer it. I stare at the fridge, realizing that my fuckin’ asshole of a boyfriend is so stupid and has nothing to eat in his damn house. I grab a Coke, even though Derrek told me I needed to drink more water, and then turn around to see if he has any dry food to eat in his pantry. I’m starving and I bet all he’ll have is a bag of rice and some canned chicken soup or something.

 

I turn and he’s right there, leaning against the counter, staring at me, chewing on two slices of bread. He licks his finger. He’s eating a damn peanut butter sandwich and staring at me with his dogs sniffing around his feet. He took off his blue sweater and is now left in his jeans and his button down shirt, which he’s unbuttoned to show his wife beater underneath.

 

I hear a beep and roll my eyes and speak into the phone, “Hey, it’s me. Sorry I was a bitch to you just now. Call me to let me know if you went home or something. I really didn’t mean to take that out on you. I’m just not in the best mood ‘cause of how pathetic my boyfriend is. Later.”

 

I turn off my phone and go over where the bread is out on the counter near him, as well as the jar of JIF with a knife sticking in it. I set my phone down and take out a piece of bread and start to slather it with peanut butter.

 

“Mere, come on…”

 

I look over my shoulder and he’s still chewing on his sandwich just staring at me. I shrug at him. “Come on, what?”

 

He’s pissed me off tonight. He didn’t hurt me, he didn’t upset me like he did in Miami. No, this time he fucking pissed me off. How dare he come into my dressing room right before I perform and accuse me and claim that I’m stupid! He didn’t say it, but his tone let me know it was what he was thinking. I haven’t seen him in a fucking week and the guy that I’m supposed to be in love with comes in not with a hug or a kiss or an ‘I missed you’ or a how are you or even a god damn smile.

 

No, instead he comes in with attitude and blame right before I was going to perform. He should have waited until afterward. Ya know, I’m fucking sorry the red carpet shit happened like it did, but damn. It’s like he always is saying, he’s been in this business forever. He knows how to handle it. He knows not to let shit get to him like that. And here he is freaking out.

 

What a fucking little asshole.

 

And my performance was on point tonight, perfect, until I fucking saw him in the audience. Of course MTV placed him in the damn front row. And I had just done this awesome little dance move with my girls on stage and people were cheering and getting into it. Normally, I have a really hard time spotting faces ‘cause I kind of get in this high and the lights are so bright on me and dark on the audience. But I saw him and I almost tripped.

 

No one saw, I know they didn’t. But Derrek noticed and asked me if I was ok afterwards. And I know little things are going to mess up in every performance. That’s just how it happens, but this time it really pissed me off. And I couldn’t even really enjoy my awesome job because I knew after it was over I’d have to see him again and I knew we were going to fight and argue some more. So I waited for him so we could go ahead and get it over with. I wanted to leave. I wanted to bolt out of there. And we did.

 

I didn’t expect what happened in the car.

 

When he opened his mouth and started bitching at Courtney, I almost slapped him myself. I probably should have, but I hate, hate, hate fighting in front of other people, so I kept my damn mouth shut until I couldn’t take it anymore. And I couldn’t get in touch with Angie all night, which was weird, but then I remembered that I think today is Eric’s birthday. She mentioned something like that earlier today. So she probably went out.

 

God, she’s going to have a hernia tomorrow after she finds out what happened tonight.

 

And the thing about it is, like I know Justin knows how he acted tonight was wrong, and I understand that the situation he was put in was very upsetting. But the reason he’s upset is because his pride was hurt, because he wasn’t in control, he didn’t know what was going on. It was because someone told him he was wrong. He knows he was in the wrong in the dressing room and in the limo and now he’s trying to act like it didn’t happen, like we should just be happy and eat our peanut butter sandwiches and play like good little kids.

 

But I’m not that easy.

 

I might have taken him back easily before, but this time I’m not going to just ignore the problem and hope everything becomes ok. ‘Cause if this is gonna work, if he wants to be with me, he can’t act like that, and he can’t blow up at the slightest little thing, especially in front of people and especially when it might get in the way of work.

 

It just sucks ya know, because we had such a damn great time in Tennessee. Like dammit, and then I found out we were going on tour together, I was ecstatic. Sure I had the thoughts that something bad could happen. But I love him and I have faith in us, and honestly I think it might be able to bring us closer together. And I’m sure it’ll make fans happy since we have a lot of the same fan base. And I have a lot of really good ideas for it, and, and it’s going to be stripped down and much more just about the vocals and the musical aspect of the songs.

 

Which is what I want. And, and we discussed all this on the phone when I was doing promotion in New York. He seemed so happy on the phone whenever I called him. And he would call and leave me messages and send me texts that would brighten my day. And now back in the real world, I get this stupid boyfriend who’s being a pain in the ass.

 

It’s not enough to make me wanna dump him, but he’s being such a…a, well a pathetic man right now and it’s annoying.

 

I bite my sandwich and pop open the Coke and as soon as I’ve taken a swallow I feel soft lips on my neck and arms around my middle. I need to get out of this damn dress, too. My boobs hurt in this thing Shanda put me in. I roll my eyes when he chuckles against my skin. “You seriously gonna be mad at me?”

 

I set down the can slowly and pull the sandwich from my mouth, swallowing. I move to push him away from me. I know he didn’t just say that.

 

“Oh no you’re forgiven,” I say sarcastically. “I’m gonna forgive you just like that because I can’t think for myself and all I care about is having sex with you and I have no feelings but ‘oh yes, more please’.”

 

I glare at him and his shoulders slump and he shuffles after me, following me to the dining room table. “I never said that.”

 

I sit down and he sits across from me. “Then understand that I’m pissed and you coming up and kissing my neck is not gonna make it all better.”

 

“Then what can I do?” He sucks in a breath and reaches over and grabs my Coke, taking a swallow of it. It pisses me off, but I let it slide because I don’t want to be petty and don’t want to bring little things into our argument. I chew on my sandwich wishing I had taken the time to put some jelly on it. I sigh and take a swig of the canned soda myself.

 

He’s staring at me and I shake my head. Sometimes I wonder if Justin really is stupid. I know he’s not, but sometimes he just acts, well it’s just ironic that he’s called me naïve before. I might be naïve but at least I have some damn sense. I know I can be emotional and I know I can be girly and ridiculous at times, but he needs to suck it up and be a man and stop giving me that pouty, pathetic-looking face.

 

“Nothing.” His eyes lower like I just told him I was going to the prom with someone else.

 

God, I thought I was dramatic. I roll my eyes and finish off my sandwich, mumbling as I chew, “Well, an apology might be a bit of a good start.”

 

He takes a deep breath and runs his forefinger along a line of the polished wood of his table. “You understand why I’m upset, right?”

 

His eyes glance up at mine for a second, just a flash of blue before they’re back following his finger. His hand makes a line towards my side of the table and reaches over and grabs mine for a minute. His eyes stare into my own. They’re the eyes that smiled at me when we had sex and the eyes that stared into mine when I was leaving to go to New York and said without speaking how much he loved me.

 

I have to force myself to look at the plant he has on his table. Dammit, I hate it when he looks at me like that. He knows, he knows that the more he looks at me with those eyes the more I’ll give in. And I can’t. Not this time. I have to be strong. I have to show him I’m not gonna take his bull shit.

 

I can feel Buck licking my feet and I do my best to gently kick him away. The last thing I need right now is to laugh because a dog is tickling my feet. I pull my hand from his. That was the first real physical contact we’ve had since he’s gotten back. Like yeah, we hugged in my dressing room, but he was so unaffectionate and distant. It was like he wasn’t even there. And when we came into his house a few minutes ago, I just came right in, set my shoes down, pet his dogs for a second and immediately came in here looking for food and trying to call Court. It’s kind of sad that a few hours ago I was fantasizing about this moment. About being alone with him for the first time in a week, of coming home with him and, and really being with him.

 

Naked.

 

He grins at me and licks his lips.

 

This sucks.

 

I shake my head at him. He needs to decide his feelings, decide his mood and stick with it. It’s not possible for someone to go from being bitchy and yelling in a car to trying to be all suave now. It makes me wonder how genuine he’s being tonight, if this is all an act or some weird test.

 

“You’re not acting upset right now, all smiling and trying to get near me. What happened to the guy with an attitude in my dressing room making me stressed out before my big performance? And what happened to the guy who was screaming at my assistant a few minutes ago?”

 

Now he’s got an attitude again, rolling his eyes and sitting back in his chair. “I was not screaming.”

 

Maybe he wasn’t screaming, but it wouldn’t matter. He was raising his voice and accusing her of all sorts of things that were just pathetic. I slide my chair back and laugh a little bit. The chair makes this horrid noise against the hardwood floor. I snatch up the can of Coke and march into the living room and sit on the couch. I really don’t want to have to deal with him right now.

 

I curl up on the couch after I put the can down on top of a coaster on his end table. I pull my legs up so they are bent at the knees and I look down at my toes. I need to get a pedicure. Ya know what really sucks about this situation? I wanna just forget it all and be sweet with him and hug him and kiss him and be with him because I fucking missed him. I wanna give into him. I wanna really be with him. Yeah, I wanna just forget this all happened and go and have passionate, intense sex with him.

 

But I can’t. This…this time I have to put my foot down.

 

Dammit! This sucks!

 

I feel a sigh and he plops down beside me and puts a hand on my knee and stares at me intently. I only look at him once and then go back to looking at my toes. “Look, I’m sorry about the dressing room, that…that was wrong of me. I was just so fucking confused Meredith. I had no idea what was going on and I felt out of control and…and I didn’t know if you were mad at me, if I had done something to make you wanna tell everyone that we weren’t together.”

 

“What would you have done to piss me off that bad?” I shake my head and look at him. He’s biting his lips, staring at the coffee table, trying to figure out his own thoughts. I think I might understand a little bit better now. Maybe, maybe he doesn’t know what happened, and he was so confused he couldn’t process his thoughts.

 

And frustrated Justin can easily slide into angry Justin.

 

“We’re together.”

 

He nods and holds in his breath. “I don’t know, I just get worried sometimes.” He lets out a deep sigh.

 

“Shit Justin…” He stares at me. It’s that same damn stare that he gave me in Miami when I took him back. It’s that lost stare, that, ‘please dear God don’t leave me’ stare. He’s fucking terrified. I don’t know if that makes me comforted to know that it really has nothing to do with me, or frightened because he’s still hung up on the past. “You need to get over your past shit. I’m not just gonna drop you, ok?” I touch his shoulder so he’ll believe me and he smiles.

 

“Good…”

 

I look back at my toes but then I notice him coming closer. I try to ignore him but his hand starts to touch my knee again and his arm goes across my bare shoulders. The dress is short and has no straps. He kisses my shoulder and I look at him and he tries to lean into me.

 

I want to. Dear God, I want to.

 

But I don’t. I use my hands to push at his chest. “Stop it…” I stand up and go over and sit on the edge of this plush chair he has near the couch. Distancing myself as much as possible to form an invisible barrier, to protect myself from giving in.

 

He shakes his head and sits there defeated. “Mere, I haven’t seen you in…”

 

I cut him off. He should know better. “Don’t even try to pull that bull shit on me.”

 

“Then what do you wanna do?” He sounds annoyed and sounds like he’s starting to get frustrated, and he’s bringing back that attitude I saw in the dressing room.

 

“Let’s actually talk about this.”

 

He sighs and leans his head back against the couch, staring at the ceiling. “Talk about what? What else is there to say? I’m sorry, I am.”

 

I move to sit in the chair with my back against one armrest and my legs dangling over the other. I cross my arms over my chest. “You need to apologize to Courtney, too.”

 

“Meredith…” The look he gives me is one I don’t know if I’ve ever seen from him. It’s a cold look. He lowers his voice and pushes himself up to the edge of the couch, straightening the Motor Trend and Car & Driver magazines he has there on his table. “Don’t.”

 

But he doesn’t threaten me. “Don’t what, Justin? Your hatred for her is so unmerited. She’s done nothing to you.”

 

“Look, I know this sounds horrible but…” He puts his hands on his head as if in an attempt to grab at his hair, but he has no hair to grab at. “But she just gives me the creeps. She’s always fucking looking at me or at us when we’re together, and, and I just don’t want something else bad happening to you.”

 

Ok, I guess that’s kind of sweet, but it doesn’t mean he can bitch at me or my assistant. I understand being cautious, but good lord Justin! “Let me worry about that, ok? Angie wouldn’t hire someone she didn’t trust. Leah was mostly my choice. It was my mistake, I trusted her way too soon. Angie wouldn’t hire someone that was bad.”

 

He shakes his head and his voice is still low, but has a softer tone. “Leah was with you almost three years Meredith. You never thought she would turn out like she did. Do you remember how upset you were? Dammit girl you fuckin’…” He sighs and looks at me. Damn those blue eyes. “Do you remember when we first met? Do you remember that first night in the studio when you started hyperventilating and I had to calm you down?”

 

I gulp and look away. Of course I remember that. I remember all we were doing was working on some beats he had come up with. Trace had gone to get us food and the other producers and techs had gone home for the night because we really just wanted to get to know each other and figure out a direction to go towards. We were working on this song that I had the idea for called “Stand Alone” and just the words and the melody we had come up with hit me hard. The final cut is a lot different from that initial idea, but I really did feel like I was standing alone in that moment. And I, I remember I started crying. And I remember being so mortified and so embarrassed because I just started crying right in front of this guy I had only known for a few hours. But I was so stressed out after everything had happened and I was sure my career was ruined.

 

And I couldn’t stop crying.

 

I remember wiping my eyes and apologizing and being afraid to look at him because I was so humiliated.

 

He didn’t say anything to me.

 

But he hugged me. Not just one of those fake, little, sorry half-hugs. No. He pulled me into him and leaned back against the couch there and held me and whispered for me to just let it all out. We were pretty much strangers at that point. Yet, I felt something right then and at the time I didn’t know what it was. But now I know that what I felt was safety. I felt at ease and I felt at home.

 

He was bringing me home right then before I even knew what he was doing. I wonder if he knew.

 

I wonder if he felt it, too.

 

He shouldn’t have brought that up because now I want nothing more than to run to him and hold him. Bastard.

 

I suck in a breath and push back those memories, those memories that make me weak for him. “I haven’t forgotten what happened Justin, but I decide not to dwell on it and not to let it hold me back. And Courtney is innocent in all this. It’s not fair that you treat her this way. And ok, so what if you hate her? But what are you gonna do when her and Trace start dating?”

 

He rolls his eyes. “Can we be serious? Don’t joke like that.”

 

I stare right at him. He’s in denial. “Who says I’m joking, Justin? I bet you anything she’s over at his house right now.”

 

“It’s nothing.” He shrugs. “If they’re fucking, that’s all it is to him. He doesn’t like girls like her.”

 

I laugh. He’s ridiculous. He knows as well as I do its not just fucking, and he knows as well as I do that they like each other, even if they themselves can’t see it. And he has no right to even think he has a reason to have an opinion in the matter. We’re all adults. We all can do whatever we want. At least, I use to think we were all adults. He’s making me seriously rethink that. “You’re such a little shit.”

 

“It’s my opinion, Meredith.”

 

“Could you just be civil to her and not blame every damn thing on her? She was doing what she was told and maybe if your manager had been a little clearer to my manager this wouldn’t be such a big problem.”

 

“Whoa…” He puts his hands up and passes me a look. “Don’t pull them into this.”

 

“Ok, I just…tonight sucks Justin and it sucks because of you.” His mouth drops a little bit and he rolls his eyes and sighs. What a dumbass! He’s not making this easier for himself. “Ya know, I was hoping that when you opened that door and I saw you for the first time in a week, you’d be happy and you’d kiss me and hug me and be happy to see me, but you weren’t. And I thought we’d be able to get drunk together tonight and have sloppy sex and…” I glare at him. “Stop smiling. I was excited to go on tour with you and to share this part of my life with you, this really stressful, important part of my life with you. But now, now you got me wondering.”

 

“Wondering…”

 

I shrug and look down at my finger nails, starting to pick at the paint and then I sit on my hands so that Shanda doesn’t get pissed at me. “Are you gonna be like this every time something happens or something messes up? What if something happens right before we’re supposed to take the stage this summer? I can’t have you acting like that. I can’t have your ego getting in the way.”

 

He rubs his forehead and looks at me, about to open his mouth and speak, but I don’t let him. “And don’t say you don’t have one ‘cause you do, Justin. You know damn well if the roles were reversed and I was the one coming into your dressing room with an attitude you would have made me sit down and you would have lectured me and told me to get out and then you’d be calling me an emotional, naive little girl.” He bites his lip and looks the other way. “You would, so don’t deny it.”

 

His hands slap against his couch and he looks at me with fire in his eyes. “Dammit Meredith! I’m not good at this, ok? Last time I had a public relationship it blew up in my face, and I’ve tried to keep every other relationship since then under wraps. I haven’t talked about my love life and now, now I am! And the first fucking time I’m supposed to say anything I hear that I’m wrong, that we aren’t together! So yeah, that really bruised and hurt my ego. It scared me. I’m sorry I overreacted, but I’m not perfect.”

 

“God Justin, you always say that. I know you aren’t. I damn well know you aren’t. I’m not one of your fans. I don’t scream at you because I think you are God. I love you because of who you are, flaws and all. So stop using that as an excuse ‘cause it doesn’t help anything. I don’t expect you to be perfect, but I do expect you to have some damn sense.” He shakes his head again and looks down at the table.

 

It’s quiet for a minute or so and finally I push myself off the couch, pet Brennan’s head and sigh. Justin looks up at me and swallows hard. “Just take me home…”

 

His muscles in his forehead unclench and his eyes widen just slightly and his jaw slackens, “What?”

 

“Take me home. I don’t wanna be here tonight.” I walk over to where my shoes are on the coffee table near my purse and I grab both of them up along with the Coke can.

 

“Mere, stay tonight…”

 

I just stare at him. “Either you take me home or I can call up Teddy.”

 

“Ok…” He pushes himself up and nods, saying softly, “Ok. Just give me a minute.”

 

I walk to his kitchen and throw away the Coke can and grab my phone from the counter, checking it first and slipping it into my purse. I can hear Justin calling for his dogs and realize he must be letting them go outside to their kennel for the night. I take the time to retie Justin’s bread and screw the top back on the peanut butter and wash off the knife. When I finally finish I pull out my phone again and leave Megs a message to give me a buzz. She’s coming out here in a few days and I can’t wait. I think I’m in need of some of her company. I turn around after slipping the phone back into my purse and Justin’s bent over putting this big bag of dog food back into his pantry.

 

He closes the door and looks at me. He’s rolled his sleeves down but has kept his shirt undone. I follow him to his garage, walking barefoot as he locks up his house and beeps his Porsche unlocked. That kind of pisses me off, because this is his sexy car and he knows it. I told him in New York when we were on the phone that the idea of him in a Porsche got my panties all twisted.

 

Asshole.

 

But I ignore him. I ignore how the dark light outside hits his face in the car and how sexy his jaw line is when his muscles clench and how his hands grip the gear shift and the leather steering wheel, letting it slide against his large hands is like he’s performing some sexual act. Yeah, I ignore all that.

 

Yeah…

 

Dammit.

 

I suck in a breath and continue fumbling with the straps to my high heels that are in my lap, concentrating on them, concentrating on the argument we just had. “So if you wanna give me attitude or if we are fighting or anything confrontational comes up, I don’t care what it is Justin, if it’s less than an hour before I’m taking the stage we’re not talking about it until afterward, ok? You might be able to go onstage after being yelled at, but I can’t. I need to have a clear head to perform.”

 

He nods and glances at me quickly, a small grin on his face. “You did great tonight, though.”

 

“Thanks…”

 

“Really…” He reaches over to touch my thigh but his hand snaps back quickly. Dammit. I mean, I guess it’s good that he realizes he shouldn’t have it there, but it felt nice. Shit. Meredith get your head together! You’re supposed to be strong. “You killed it. I was proud.”

 

“I thought you were too mad at me to be proud.”

 

“Meredith I wasn’t, I really wasn’t ever mad at you. It was just the situation.”

 

I stare outside, not focusing on anything, just staring. It make my eyes dry out. “And you took it out on me…no more of that either, ok?”

 

“I’m sorry about that, I really, really am. I really hope you know how sorry I am, Mere. I blew up tonight, lost my head.”

 

I nod, not looking at him. “And you’re gonna apologize to Courtney.”

 

“I’ll send her some damn flowers even.”

 

It makes me grin. “Thanks. And prepare yourself because even though she hasn’t really said it, I think her and Trace are dating. My battery died on my phone one night so I picked up hers to use it to call my mom and accidentally got into her call log ‘cause I didn’t know how to use her thing ‘cause it’s all complicated…” He starts to laugh at me. “I can’t help it, I’m not good at all that technical stuff.”

 

He nods and turns from the main roads towards my neighborhood. “Something we have in common.”

 

“Anyway, so like I got into her call log and it was all Trace with one Angie.”

 

Justin’s eyes widen. “She’s calling him that much?”

 

“These were calls her phone had received, Justin.”

 

“Oh…”

 

I bite my lip and try not to laugh at him. He really is clueless and in denial. Trace is all about Courtney and he just doesn’t want to admit it. I don’t see why it would be a bad idea. I think it would be cute. Hell, wasn’t he the one in New York that wanted to push Trace onto Courtney to get her off my back? Well it worked, he should be happy.

 

What a nerd.

 

We pass the gate to my community and Justin drives slowly down the paved roads, even though I know he wants to rev the engine. A few weeks ago he showed me his cars and was so excited about them even though most of the stuff he said I had no idea about. He still hasn’t taken me on that motorcycle ride yet.

 

“The press is gonna suck Justin, you know that. So stop freaking out over it, ok?”

 

“It’s not really the stories or anything, it’s just that today wasn’t a tabloid story. It wasn’t a fake thing about us breaking up or getting married or whatever. I mean, for a while there on the carpet I really thought that maybe you had dumped me and…and I just, I can’t let that happen.”

 

We pull up to my place and Justin turns into my driveway. “I understand that, but you need to calm down and stop stressing out about us.”

 

“Ok…” He nods and puts the car in park. He sighs and looks at me, nibbling on his bottom lip as I undo my seatbelt. “Well, I guess I’ll call you tomorrow.”

 

I pass him a funny look. He looks so depressed right now. “Ok?”

 

“Sleep well alright?”

 

I open my door but look back at him, staring hard. “You’re not coming in?”

 

His eyes widen in surprise and I laugh at him. “I’m allowed?”

 

“You’re weird.”

 

I get out and slam the door to his car, laughing a little bit. He’s an asshole and he lets things get to him too much and he has a bit of an ego problem, but dammit if he isn’t the cutest thing. I hear the car shut off and hear a door open and footsteps follow me.

 

I ignore him as I walk into the foyer of my house and set down my purse and my shoes and pad over into the kitchen and see that I have a message on my phone. I press play and listen to my dad tell me some joke that really isn’t all that funny, but it makes me giggle anyway. He tells me to give them a call soon.

 

When the message ends I realize how close he’s come up to me. I’ve been leaning against the counter, facing the machine, and now he’s come up behind me and is trying to trap me in between his body and the counter. I turn and face him. He has a cocky grin on his face and I glare.

 

“We’re not fucking tonight.”

 

He licks his lips and pulls away, staring at me. “We don’t fuck any night. ‘Cause what we do isn’t fucking, Meredith….”

 

Ok, so that…yeah, that was a good answer.

 

But I can’t let him have any idea how much he’s starting to wiggle his way into my good graces. I shouldn’t have let him come in. I should have made him go home. Dammit, I really am weak.

 

“That was a decent answer.”

 

He shrugs and pulls away to stand in the middle of my kitchen, looking rather helpless and confused. “I’m learning.”

 

“You want anything…” I laugh at him. He’s just standing there staring at me. “Since you have no food at your place.”

 

“I’m not all that hungry.”

 

“Drink?”

 

He takes in a deep breath and nods, and then looks at me directly and says, “I’ll get some water. Why don’t you change or whatever and then we’ll just watch TV or you can beat me up or call me every bad name in the book, whatever will make you happy and feel better and get you smiling at me again.”

 

I try to hold it back but I can’t help it and a little smile comes through. Even when I’m pissed at him, he knows what to do to make me smile. He’s evil. I roll my eyes and start to walk out of the kitchen. “We’ll watch food network in bed.”

 

He winks at me, his smile full and bright, shining and happy. “That’s my girl.”

 

I walk through my house, pass the dining room and the living room, trying not to remember the times we’ve made out on my couch, trying not to think about how we haven’t really been here at my house by ourselves in weeks and how so much has changed in that short amount of time. I make my way to my bedroom and immediately reach for the side zipper of my dress, pushing it down and sighing as the red, silk material falls off me at my feet. I practically rip off the corset bra thing and strip out of my thong as well, sighing as I’m no longer being pushed and constrained and forced. I hope Justin doesn’t come back here ‘cause I’m stark naked and I know he’ll take that as an invitation and then Lord knows how well I’ll be able to keep up my restraint.

 

Thankfully I’m able to slip on some more comfortable underwear, a pair of gym shorts and a tank top before he comes back. I don’t know how long it takes to get water but he takes long enough that I’m able to pull my hair back and start to wash my face.

 

“Mere?” I wipe my face off with a towel and look up to see him peering in the bathroom. He smiles at me again and I see his shoes are off, and his bare toes are wiggling out from under the ends of his slacks. “There you are…”

 

“Thanks…” He hands me a glass of water and I take it from him and take a couple sips before handing it back to him. I watch him gulp it down quickly and then hang up my towel and brush past him back into the bedroom. “I have some boxers here somewhere if you want them. They’ll probably fit you and your string bean figure,” I say, crawling up on my bed, pulling off the extra pillows and pushing the covers down to the foot of the bed so I’m only covered by the sheet.

 

“It’s ok,” He grins and winks at me again. “I’ll just wear the panties I have on.”

 

I laugh at him and pretend to worry with the remote, getting the TV on and food network working, but really my mind is on the other side of the bed, where he’s taking off his shirt and his pants, folding them neatly into a pile on the chair beside my dresser, leaving himself in these perfectly tight white boxer briefs and a white tank. Why’s he so good looking? I bet if my boyfriend was ugly it’d be much easier to remain pissed off at him.

 

I guess that’s a really shallow thing to say.

 

He settles in beside me on my bed but makes sure not to get too close. It’s weird that we already have sides we like to lay on. Like I’m always laying to the left of him, and I’ve tried laying on the other side, but it just doesn’t work as well. Rachael Ray’s 40$ a Day show is on and whenever I glance at Justin he’s just lazily laying there, staring at the TV with not much interest on his face. I push myself up a bit and move my arm and then my hand over my breasts, whining. Damn the shit Shanda puts me in. She’ll probably bitch at me for wrinkling that dress and not hanging it up. Oh well. It was a hot little dress and I love it, but if I have to wear that underwear with it, it can just remain on the floor.

 

“My boobs hurt…”

 

He laughs and stretches under the sheet, his foot hits mine. “I’d offer a massage, but I’m afraid I might be castrated tonight.”

 

“No, it’s just the bra thing that Shanda put me in.”

 

He doesn’t say anything else, but he does scoot a little closer. He doesn’t touch me, but I can feel the warmth of his body and I move a little on my side so that I’m not facing him. I stare as Rachael Ray squeals over dollar ice cream cones in Aspen or something. But then I close my eyes ‘cause I feel his hand timidly rest against my waist and then curl up over my arm and cover my hand, pulling himself up so that he’s spooning me, his front pulled flush against my back.

 

It feels so good. This…this is what I’ve been aching for the past week and I finally get it. And I should push him away and tell him not to touch me and make him sleep in the guest room or on the couch or the floor, but I don’t. Instead, I close my eyes and sigh, feeling his nose and his lips rub against my neck and then hear him say, full of emotion, full of honesty, “I missed you this week, Meredith.”

 

I move a little and turn on my back so that I’m looking up at him. He searches my eyes and chews on his lip. “I really did. And I’m not saying that to crawl myself out of the doghouse…”

 

I sigh and look away from him. “You’re not in the doghouse, Justin.” I touch the muscle of his arm that’s flexed because of how he’s holding himself propped up beside me. “I don’t expect us never to fight or never to argue, but I really think if we can grow from it and not let it take over everything about us, then we’re good. I’m still a little pissed, but I’m not…I don’t love you any less.”

 

He looks pathetic, and his eyes are seeking for approval when he whispers softly to me, “Promise?”

 

I roll my eyes, laugh at him and pull him down against me. Yeah, go ahead and call me weak, call me easy, but I love him and I missed him and it’s not right for me to keep us apart. “Oh my God, you nerd…come here.”

 

I hold him tightly and I can hear and feel him sigh and smile against my shoulder and kiss me there. His body relaxes against mine. He suddenly pulls me up against him and leans on his back and gets me so I’m half lying against him, my head against his shoulder. I look up at him and he touches my face. “I need you, Mere. That’s why I flipped out. I needed you and I thought you had been taken away. This…this means too much to me for it to just quit. You mean more to me than just a month or two of a lot of fun. This is deep girl.” He leans his cheek against my head and runs his hand along my arm, getting to my hand and running his fingers in between and through mine. “It’s like…I can see myself with you, like for a while…a long while. Like I can imagine us ya know, far from now, doing this, watching food network and going to sleep, and…and being old and I don’t know.”

 

Do not cry.

 

Dammit, Meredith. Do not cry.

 

I suck in a breath. I hate him. I really do. He always knows exactly what to say and I don’t know if that’s a good thing. He should just be an asshole and fuck up all the time and not be able to redeem himself. But he always knows how to, it might take him a while and he might stumble on the way, but he always ends up like this, with me holding onto him, realizing how much I need him and love him.

 

I look up at him and smile. I’m easy and I’m weak and I do not give a damn. “Ok, you can kiss me, ‘cause that was really sweet…..” He smiles back at me and leans in, but before he can kiss me a thought crosses my mind and I bring my hand up to cover his mouth. I might be weak and easy, but I’m not stupid and I’m still gonna put my foot down.

 

I don’t want him to assume that he can act like this and nothing will happen and that all will get back to normal. I have to do this, even if I don’t like it. His eyes are wide and I look at him sternly, “But….we’re not having sex tonight.”

 

I pull my hand away and there’s a bright smile underneath. “What about tomorrow morning?”

 

I laugh. What a little fucker. And he knows it. “Nope.”

 

He tickles my side a little and I kick my legs against his. “So I’m a little bit in the dog house, huh?”

 

I glare at him. “Maybe a little bit.” He laughs and kisses me.

 

And it’s not hard and it’s not really all that deep, but it’s the first kiss I’ve had from him in a week and it makes me melt. I’m like putty or Jell-O and I pull back from him and snuggle into his chest, staring at Rachael Ray but really paying no mind to her. I’m concentrating more on how much I love the sound of his heart beat under my ear and the feel of his hand against my back and my arm and the slight pressure of his lips against the top of my head.

 

“I love you though, no matter where you put me,” he says and I squeeze him tight.

 

I guess that’s the thing. I guess that’s what makes it ok for me to lay here with him and hold him. No matter what happens, no matter that he might have an attitude problem or a bit of an ego, no matter if he over reacted tonight and was irrational. No matter if we had a big fight. He still loves me and I know that. Deep down I know that.

 

And I love him and nothing’s going to change that. And, and maybe the fact that we have fought tonight and we are here now holding each other and relaxing, maybe that’s not being easy and maybe that’s not being weak. Maybe that’s just faith.

 

And while I’m still going to call him out when this stuff happens and while I’m not going to just let him overreact and bring me down, I’m also not going to let petty arguments and fights ruin what we have. Because what we have is much more important to me.

 

“I know you do.” I turn and kiss the center of his chest and hold myself against him, breathing in his smell of fresh cologne and a hint of Tide.

I fit next to him. And this might be cheesy or ridiculous, but it makes me think of something my momma told me when I was about eleven. I was convinced I was going to marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas and so I asked my momma how she knew daddy was the one for her. She had laughed, handing me another dish to dry and said that it was because of how she felt next to him, how she fit next to him. I asked her why that mattered, why that was so important, and she told me that when God had made Eve he had made her out of Adam’s rib, out of his side, so that now, when a woman felt perfect next to a man then it was meant for them to be together. I barely understood her at the time. In fact, I think I thought her a little nuts after that.

 

But now…now I get it.

 

I fit with Justin. I fit so well next to him and it feels so good and warm and comforting to lie beside him. This, this is my home, this is where I’m meant to be. Maybe that’s what he meant when he said he can imagine us like this, laying here watching TV and being old. Maybe he knows it, too.

 

I move to look up at him. His eyes are closed but he smiles at me and turns to press his lips against my hair and keep them there.

 

Yeah. I think he knows it, too.

12:39 Sunset Studios

 

I really hate traffic. I thought I’d be use to it by now, living in LA and New York, but I’m not. The stopping and going and how it always seems that whenever you’re stuck there’s nothing good on the radio, just commercials and crappy love songs. Normally it’s always one person with car trouble who pulled over and so everyone’s gotta slow down and look and be in everyone else’s damn business. I hate it when people are in everyone else’s business. I guess I’m complaining for no reason, but I’m frustrated because I only had three hours of sleep last night. I don’t mind not getting a lot of sleep but three hours doesn’t cut it. I’m tired, sleepy and physically worn out.

 

I grin at the thought. I’m pathetic.

 

I had to leave to go pick Megan up from the airport and I was glad she didn’t seem to mind that I was almost thirty minutes late. In fact, she ran to me and gave me a hug I really wasn’t expecting, claimed it was great to see me and asked me how Trace and I were doing.

 

I smiled, told her I had no idea what she was talking about and she just laughed in my face. Thanks, Meredith. Thanks for spreading rumors. I really fucking appreciate that.

 

Well, I guess they aren’t really rumors. I mean, we aren’t together. We aren’t a couple, we’re just…friends. Oh dear God, we’re friends with benefits and I promised myself I would never do that, especially, especially when I actually, sort of kind of like the guy and wouldn’t mind being more than just friends…with benefits.

 

Meredith thinks she knows what’s going on. I haven’t said a word to her, I’ve just told her we’re friends and hang out a lot because it’s convenient, but nothing more. She laughs at me, just like Megan did earlier, though sometimes I think she gets a little upset I won’t open up with her more. Everything she’s told Megan or Justin, oh God don’t get me started, is entirely made up in her own imagination. She doesn’t know that we…we’ve had sex, or that we went out to the movies Friday, or that he came over last night at one in the morning. Justin doesn’t know it either. Meredith says that Justin is in denial that we have any attraction for each other, which is fine by me. The more he’s out of my business the better. But I guess it kind of hurts my feelings that Trace won’t tell his best friend about me, not that I’d ever want a man to brag about sleeping with me.

 

Ever since the MTV awards we haven’t really talked. I don’t really have anything to say to him. He was being ridiculous and I hope he knows it, I hope Meredith made him see that. She tells me she did, but I don’t know how effective she was. I got a voice mail from him the next day apologizing but it was forced, and I didn’t mind the fact that one of the biggest bouquets of my life ended up at my door later that afternoon. It was like one of those bouquets you see at funerals, though. That didn’t really make me feel too hot.

 

But he’s stayed out of my way and I’ve stayed out of his and therefore he’s been off my back, and…well, onto Meredith’s. This touring thing is annoying, they are annoying, and I’m so damn happy that Trace is around to keep me grounded and balanced and smiling.

 

It’s not that I don’t like Meredith. I do. She’s fun. I just…I’d prefer not to be around when she and Justin decide to make out in front of me, or fight in front of me for that matter. They really are petty at times, like fighting because he ate the last piece of pizza before asking her if she wanted it, and they are both divas. Meredith is nice and genuine and I do have a good time with her and consider her a friend, but she can get in diva mode. It’s not as bad as Justin’s diva mode, but it’s annoying none the less.

 

I guess when you release your second album and it’s projected to go gold in its first week and your tour with your iconic pop star boyfriend is completely sold out then you can act like a diva.

 

“Man, this is top secret!” Megan says, looking around the parking lot at the security vehicles and the inconspicuousness of the place. “Like that popcorn, Pop Secret.”

 

I laugh as we approach the entrance to the studio. It’s a dance studio that they’ve converted to be able to house both Justin’s and Meredith’s bands. They mark off the stage area with bright yellow tape on the floor. Seems silly to me, but I guess it works for them. The past two days of practice I’ve just sat on the floor or in a chair and been bored, or gone and ate too much fruit and crackers in the little room outside of the studio until Trace comes and we talk or we go somewhere or do…something. I don’t know, the past week, ever since that blow out with Justin and I, we’ve…we’ve been together a lot. I guess I know a lot more about him now. He’s so funny and he’s a good guy. He really is a good, genuine guy. He can be an idiot sometimes and an asshole, but he really is smart and really knows what he’s doing. And he’s got some hilarious stories.

 

Before we reach the door, I hand her this sticker thing that’s supposed to be a pass. It looks like a neon sticker someone took a sharpie to and scribbled on, but they’re printed. “Yeah, here’s your badge thing. You have to be wearing it. I can’t just show it to the guy, it has to be on your body. Justin and Meredith said they wanted this to be super secure so no secrets get out about the tour, so now we have to pay the price. The guy at the door is an asshole too, so we might have to deal with his crap.” He really is an ass. This morning I came in with Meredith, of course he smiled and said hello to her, but I happened to leave something in my car and went out to get it and he gave me hell trying to get back inside because I didn’t have the badge on. He saw me walk in with her the first time and even though my name was on the list, I didn’t have a badge and he claimed there was no way in hell he could let me in. It’s annoying and he isn’t one of Meredith or Justin’s teams, but works for the studio, so he tries to act all tough and shit. Thank God Tiny came and opened the door and said that I was “cool.”

 

I open the door to the building that looks really industrial and very unsuspecting that two of the hottest people in music are in there right now, performing their hearts out. We start down this long hallway; it reminds me of some dungeon, or a wine cellar. I wish it was a wine cellar, of course it’d be rather chilly. And Trace would probably try to get me alone and drunk, like he’s always trying to do that. I start to smile. He always offers me a beer, always. It’s always the first thing he does when we get alone. I asked him about it one night and he said I was more...interesting when I was drunk.

 

I hit him in the shoulder, but it made me laugh. He’s always making me laugh. I smile a bit more.

 

“Is Trace gonna be here?”

 

It fades and I glare at Meredith’s friend who’s passing me a sly smile. I don’t know this girl, and while I get that she’s best friends with Meredith, it doesn’t give her the right to get into my business. “Get off it Megan. We’re just friends.”

 

“Right…” She puts her hands up and laughs a little bit, “I was just asking because I miss the mutant.”

 

Hmm, I didn’t know she called him by that ridiculous nickname as well. “So you call him that too, huh?”

 

She laughs and shrugs. “Well he calls me Lessy 2 and Mere Lessy 1.”

 

He never told me he hung out with Megan, just in New York and then one time in LA when he first met Meredith. What the hell? I don’t know why I’m surprised. I’m sure he talks to lots of other girls. Probably fucks them too since there is no commitment in our relationship, or whatever the hell we are. “When have you hung out with him besides New York?”

 

“Um, I haven’t.” I can see that guard standing down at the end of the doors. I hope he doesn’t give us a hard time. “But I talk to him online sometimes and he’ll send me these weirdo emails with funny things in them.”

 

He doesn’t send me emails. I should shoot myself.

 

“Does he now?”

 

Megan pulls out in front of me and puts her hands on my shoulders, a big on her face. “Ohh snap! You’re so fucking him, aren’t you?”

 

“What!” I pull away from where her hands are on my arms and try not to let all the blood rush to my face. What the hell, how can she figure that out so easily? Am I that obvious? I glare at her and push past her to get away and go to the security guard. God, that’s sad when he becomes a refuge. I don’t know why I’m running away from Megan right now. I can hear her sing behind me. “You’re getting jealous as hell of me right now and blushing. You so like him!”

 

It’s true. I am. I do. God, am I that pathetic already?

 

“Passes and names…” I smile at him smugly. After we tell him our names and show him our passes, I have mine on my chest and she has hers on her jeans, he gives me this evil eye and opens the door so we can proceed into a room where there’s a few couches and food set up and people around. There’s a couple doors off of this room. Two of them lead to private rooms for Justin and Meredith, another leads to a hallway where there are bathrooms and I think an exit. There’s also a set of double doors which lead to the studio. It really is like a maze getting back here. Trace and I got lost two days ago, the first day. It was embarrassing. He had to call Tiny to have him route us back the right way. We were down some hallway on another floor where there were old women doing ballet. Of course when we found our way back Meredith smiled at me all coy and said, “Where were you two?”

 

I really hate her sometimes.

 

There are a couple people sitting around in here, some of Meredith’s band members and Monique and Abbie, Meredith’s dancers. I can hear one of Justin’s songs blaring through those double doors. I guess they finally finished Mere’s set. But she’s not out here so I assume she’s watching her boyfriend perform or asleep, but I doubt that. She had a double espresso this morning and was bouncing, really bouncing in her seat on the drive here. Trace isn’t out here either. I look around and wonder where the hell he’s at. When I left he was napping on the couch in Justin’s room. Maybe I should go see if he’s there.

 

“So…you and Trace aren’t together?”

 

I snap out of my daze and shake my head. “No…”

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

I sigh and walk over to the food counter and grab a bottle of water. I get enough questions from Meredith and enough debating in my own head to have someone I barely know throw in their two cents. I really don’t have the patience for this right now. God, where the hell would he be at? I don’t wanna call and look pathetic. “Megan, I really don’t…”

 

“It’s not about that…” She pops a grape in her mouth and chews. “I just…Mere can put on blinders, well she already has put on blinders when it comes to her boyfriend. She’s gone overboard with him and I just want an objective opinion. Does he treat her well? Ever since that damn Miami fiasco I’ve been worried.”

 

I look to make sure no one else is listening in. The last thing we need is some tabloid story from someone who overhears the wrong thing. I take her and sit her down in some chairs against the wall. She has every right to be worried and I wanna tell her what I really think, that Justin’s a pathetic, immature asshole and Mere’s way too good for him. But I don’t. I don’t wanna make him hate me even more, or Meredith for that matter. God, I don’t even know why I care. “I understand. I mean, it’s not really my place to say. I won’t lie, Justin and I don’t get along, but I guess I really have no reason to say that he doesn’t treat her well. She seems insanely happy and he seems the same with her. They like to be alone a lot and they like to be together. He can be a bit of an ass, but what guy can’t?”

 

She sighs and gets a weird smile on her face. “Joshie…”

 

“Ohh, right…” Talk about blinders. “How’s he doing?”

 

She laughs, “Fine as hell.”

 

“That’s good…” Thankfully my phone rings. The last thing I want is another gushing girl telling me how sexy their boyfriend is. I look at the caller id, smile and pull the phone close to my ear, “Hey.”

 

“Ya know, there’s a lot of space behind these drums.”

 

I laugh at his raspy voice. The music has stopped in the studio and I assume he’s in there because I can hear people talking loudly through his phone. “Shut up. There is not.”

 

“Come find out.” His voice lowers and I shift a little in my seat. Damn, I shouldn’t let him get to me this much, but he’s…he’s quite sexy and is really good at knowing what to do to turn me on. And his voice, deep and that drawl that comes out is so damn hot.

 

“I’ve got Megan here…”

 

“She can watch. Shit girl, I keep thinking about last night and how good you felt and…and tasted.”

 

I blink and glance to my side. Megan is looking at her phone not paying attention to me. I hear him laugh and I say, “Hush…” before flipping the phone closed. I grab my bag and nudge her. “Come on, I think they’re taking a break.”

 

A bright smile comes on her face and I walk to the door and open it. I immediately look towards the drums and sure enough, there’s Trace talking with Justin’s drummer, laughing about something.

 

“MEGS!” I turn my focus off of him and look to where Meredith, Justin and both Derrek and Marty are in the performing part of the taped off stage area. Justin and Marty glance at us before looking back at the couple beside them. Derrek has Meredith twisted into some dip formation. She says practically upside down, “I’ll be done in a second!”

 

Megan immediately plops on the floor beside the long wall length mirror, smiling. I don’t look up but I can feel his eyes burning into me. The whole room seemed to shut up and pay attention to us when Meredith yelled. I sit beside Megan, trying to look as casual as possible. I glance up, just one look to see if he’s noticed us.

 

He’s staring right at us and walking over. He gets in front of us, turns around and wiggles his butt in between us, immediately pulling Megan into a hug and saying something to her about being a “Lessy”. She laughs and even though I know she’s got a boyfriend and he’s probably not interested in her, I hate every moment that his arm is around her. God, Courtney! He’s not even your boyfriend! You have no right to be upset or jealous!

 

He turns to me to say something but the music starts up again, blaring. It’s just a backtrack this time and Marty and Derrek are off to the side watching Meredith and Justin. For the tour they are starting off with her hits, then doing the songs they did together and then doing Justin’s set. But during one of his songs she comes out and does this dance number with him. They’ve been practicing it like crazy, and they do more of the dance right now for all of us to see. It’s amazing how different they are. When they aren’t at work, both of them are like horny teenagers. You can barely say a sentence around them worth anything. But at work, they are both professional. This dance they do is like a fucking sex romp on stage, yet they make it seem professional. It’s hot yes, but I don’t feel like I’m watching some couple grind in a club.

 

It’s hard to explain. I guess I just wish I had the ability to look that professional at work with Trace. I have a hard time not blushing, and every time I see him I want him to touch me or something, and I shouldn’t.

 

I should know better than this. I should handle myself better. But it’s so damn hard when, when I like him as much as I do.

 

I lean over during the middle of the performance and whisper in his ear, “I gotta ride with Meredith tonight, so I can’t ride with you.”

 

He turns and looks at me deeply, “Really?”

 

“Yeah…Meredith wanted me to ask if you guys could take Megan.”

 

“No prob.” He shrugs and turns back to the mini performance. “As long as you save a dance with me at the party.”

 

I smile and nudge him. “You don’t dance.”

 

He leans in and I can feel his lips pressed against my ear. Shit, he’s dangerous. “By dance I mean making out with me in a dark corner.”

 

“But it’s work.”

 

“Tonight’s a night for Meredith to mingle with people and take pictures with celebrities. She’ll be so busy talking to other people and getting drunk that she won’t even know you exist.”

 

I stare into his eyes, hard. Shit, I can’t just wander off with him, especially if she’s gonna be drunk. That’s the last thing we need right now. “She’s not supposed to get drunk.”

 

“Justin will watch her.” He shrugs. Yeah right, Justin will probably get her drunk and take her somewhere to have sex with her. I wish she had a little more of a backbone with him. “Are you coming to his house afterwards?”

 

He passes me a sly smile. I know what he means. He’s asking if I’m gonna stay with him tonight. “Am I invited?”

 

“You’re invited by me.”

 

I don’t realize the music has stopped but I hear sneakers squeaking towards me and then hear someone squeal, “Slutty!”

 

I look over and Meredith has yanked up Megan and pulled her into a tight hug. Everyone else is laughing at them. I wish I had a friend like that. Of course I’d never be that sentimental or girly, but you can tell they are the closest of friends. I…I wish I had that. Being independent is great, but not having a friend is, is kind of a depressing state.

 

“Thanks for the present, sweat face,” Megan says to her.

 

“You like?” Meredith got her a first class plane ticket to LA and back for a graduation present. It’s apparently some inside joke.

 

“Ooo, leather seats and my own private TV screen, it was awesome, spacious and sexy baby!”

 

They both fall into giggles. “You got another present, but I’ll give it to you later, ok?” Meredith pulls Megan into another tight hug. “Oh my god, I’m so proud of you. You gradumawated!”

 

“I know. I’m freaking fantastic!”

 

“Come on, lemme introduce you to some people, ok? Then we’ll go sit and talk.” I look over at Trace, I love how we are both sitting here, all up in their conversation, looking up at them, looking between them. Meredith turns to Justin, “Hey, are we done with that thing…”

 

He laughs, “Thanks dear, glad you consider dancing with me “that thing”.”

 

She swats at him, “Hush…”

 

“Yes, you are done. Go hang out, we should be done in a bit.” Justin leans in to kiss her cheek and then Megan pulls him into a hug. I look down at my lap and yawn. I could use a nap. But what I really need to do right now is talk to Trace.

 

It’s not fair that Meredith and Justin get to have this fantastic relationship and that they are allowed to be petty and make out and fight and be a couple. What’s so bad about me? I don’t give a shit that he’s had things happen to him in the past. So have I. Hell, I was the one fighting it at first when he was pushing so hard. And now I’m not fighting it anymore, and he keeps pushing, but pushing for just…just one thing. I don’t mind sleeping with Trace. I like it, I like it a lot. He makes me feel special and, and makes me feel really good.

 

I just don’t understand why he can’t try. Why can’t we try dating? I’m not asking for a lifetime commitment, but something more than what we are now. Because as much fun as what we are doing now is, it’s…it kind of makes me feel cheap.

 

I guess I’m being a pathetic girl, right? I’ve got myself into a situation I should have known better. I knew when we started fucking he didn’t want much more than sex and my occasional company. I shouldn’t expect anything more.

 

But what if there is a possibility there somewhere. I just want him to tell me what he’s thinking and tell me the truth about why we can’t work to be something more. I guess I want him to open up to me.

 

“Wanna go somewhere?” I ask.

 

“Oh really?”

 

I smile, “I wanna talk.”

 

The grin drops from his face and he scoots back from me a little bit. “This sounds serious…”

 

“Come on…” I stand up and look around, picking up my purse. Meredith and Megan are laughing, talking to someone I don’t know and Justin and Marty are going over some more dance moves. I look at Trace and lick my lips, “Where’s a quiet…”

 

“Follow me.”

 

I try not to make it look so obvious, but I guess it’s hard not to when you’re following someone. We move into the lounge room and he goes straight for Justin’s room. I’m not sure why, but we don’t stop there.

 

The next thing I know the door is shut, the light is flicked on and a lock is turned. I look around the small compartment. I can’t really believe he brought me in here.

 

He smiles and sits on the toilet seat top. I stare at him. “This is Justin’s bathroom, Trace.”

 

He smiles at me and reaches his arms out. “If he has to go he’ll go in Mere’s just so he can sneak and see what they are talking about. He’s weird like that.” He pulls me over and starts to pull me down onto his lap.

 

I laugh. “I’m not sitting there…”

 

He licks his lips at me. “Where else you wanna sit?” I don’t have a moment to argue with him. He pulls me down against his lap, my legs on either side of him. I’m facing him, pressed against him, kissing him.

 

His hands immediately go up the back of my shirt, his fingertips starting to make me ache for him, skimming softly up my spine. I shouldn’t be doing this but I don’t care, it feels good. I hate him sometimes, I really do. I wanted to talk and here he is doing….things. He starts mumbling against my mouth, kissing me in between words, telling me that this reminds him of the other night, except we were naked and on his bed and he was in me. He tells me he wants to fuck me slow like that again.

 

Shit.

 

Unfortunately, just as his words are making me feel so good and making me want to do him right here, I reach out to grab something to hold onto. I feel his hand toy with my bra strap and his tongue licking down my chest, trying to unbutton the top button right at the center of my chest with his teeth.

 

But I grab onto the fucking toilet paper.

 

I sigh and pull away a little bit and look at him. Why did he bring me in here! “Trace, I’m straddling you on a toilet.”

 

He looks a little shocked but pulls himself together quickly, smiles and shrugs at me, “Well, this door has a lock.”

 

“Why can’t we just do it out there on the couch?”

 

“Cause then he might come in.” He looks flustered still, but happy. But I’m not. That wasn’t a good thing to say to me right now. I shouldn’t be here, no matter how good it feels. It seems like all we do is have sex. I mean sure we talk a lot and we did go out to the movies that night, but of course as soon as we got home he was all over me. I should have had some resistance. I should have told him I can’t do this all the time. It’s just not fair to me.

 

It’s not fair when I want so much more, and I think he knows that.

 

“You don’t know what you are doing, do you?”

 

“Shut up and kiss me.” He smiles, trying to be cute and tries to pull me against his body. But I push him away and stand up off of him and go out of the door to the couch in Justin’s room.

 

“No…I wanna talk to you.”

 

“About what? What’d I do this time?” He mopes after me and sits down beside me. Gross! He just picked up some of Justin’s dirty socks so he could sit down. I don’t wanna know what else has been thrown on this damn couch of his. Probably dirty boxers or something equally disturbing. And I’m sure him and Meredith have used this couch. The other day no one could find them for a half hour. They were pissing people off and finally Trace and I tried this room. Justin answered the door out of breath with just his pants on and Meredith called out from the bathroom, “Baby, where did my bra go?”

 

Cute, real cute. Gag me.

 

“What is it?” He says after a moment.

 

I sigh, turn towards him and decide just to lay it out there, hoping I don’t ruin everything. “Are we just going to stay friends?”

 

There’s a long pause and I feel my stomach start to churn. Maybe I should have just shut up and kissed him. I can feel a fight brewing.

 

“Things are hectic right now, but....let’s just see what happens after this tour.”

 

That’s complete bull shit and he knows it. Why can’t he just be honest and tell me he’s terrified of commitment right now, that he doesn’t wanna go that route and something happen like it did last year? It’s not fair to me! Does he really just see me as some fucking bimbo in his bed with her legs spread? I know he doesn’t want this type of serious relationship, but I wish he’d just be honest with me and give me something a little bit more than groping me on a toilet. Why can’t he just admit that he cares about me? Why can’t a guy just fucking care about me!

 

Maybe that’s the problem, maybe it’s impossible. Maybe I’m too uptight or bitchy or whatever it is people call me. I’m supposed to be stronger than this. I’m not supposed to just give into him. I always do this. I always give into men. It’s…it’s not right. It’s like I have some mental illness. I don’t want to tell him about Keith and then make him think I’m trying to give him some fucking sob story to make him feel obligated to be with me.

 

But why can’t a man just want to be with me? It’s not fair.

 

"The tour is gonna be almost two months, Trace.” I stare him directly in the face. He’s staring back, but I can tell that he’s not looking in my eyes, focusing on my nose or my forehead or someplace else. “That’s a long time."

 

His brown eyes focus right in on mine now. “Is that some kind of ultimatum?”

 

I don’t know what he’s talking about but he seems angry. Hell, I’m just asking. Is it a crime to have a discussion about us? Apparently. “I can’t just continue to fuck you like this. I’m better than the cheap sluts Justin throws at you.”

 

Oh yeah…that.

 

The past week, Trace has told me that Justin is on a mission to hook him up with someone. The first day here there was some girl, I think her name was Bambi or something ridiculous. Justin kept telling Trace to show her around. Apparently she’s a friend of Justin’s. Yeah fucking right.

 

It was ok though. Trace just made fun of her because she really was dumb as hell and I had to play shoulder to Meredith who was certain that Bambi and Justin used to sleep together and that she was trying to get back with him. I don’t know, as much as I hate the guy, Justin spent most of the day flirting grossly with Meredith and trying to get her to laugh and seemed to not be all interested in blondie, seemed to make fun of her as much as Trace.

 

Which kind of pissed me off. I mean, I’m way better than her. I’m better than some playboy slut but I guess his best friend would rather have him with all body and no brains than me. Hell, what’s so bad about me?

 

I’m starting to make myself get angrier and I need to calm myself down. I’ve been trying hard to control myself and my emotions, especially those that come out when I’m frustrated or upset. I take a deep breath and pull my hair back into a ponytail and then let it fall, staring up at the ceiling.

 

“So I’m just supposed to be with you?” He says in a bitter tone.

 

I slowly look back down at him. He’s staring at me with a blank expression.

 

So much for trying to control myself. I start to laugh. I try to hold it in cause I know this is my bitch laugh, this is the laugh that the more I do it the angrier I get and then you don’t really have a chance to make it up to me. Fuck. He’s such an asshole. Why can’t he just admit it to me that he’s scared instead of being all cocky about it like he’s better than me? Well he’s not fucking better than me!

 

And I’ll be damned if I let him make me feel that way! Again.

 

I suck in a breath, determined to leave the room and go hide in Meredith’s room or tell her I feel sick and go home and watch Style network or something. I mumble to myself, “No you're not ‘just supposed to be with me’. You're supposed to want to be with me.”

 

He hears me and I don’t really care. I know he’s stood up and I know he’s coming behind me. “You act like it’s so easy! Justin is...”

 

What the fuck? This has nothing to do with that over grown arrogant bitch!

 

I turn on my heels and stare straight at him. “Justin has no say in what we are or what we do. And it’s ridiculous that you let him have a say in things. You don’t have shit to say about him and Meredith.” All he does it blink. I can’t stand it. I can’t stand it when he cuts off his emotions like this. It makes me feel weak and powerless and pathetic. I am not pathetic! “This is not worth it. I don’t know why I fucking bother.”

 

I make a move to turn and open the door so I can get out of this hell hole, but he grabs me. He grabs me and kisses me, hard. Shit. I hate him. He can’t do this. I push at him a little bit to get him to stop. I don’t want him winning me back so damn easily. Dammit. I break. I am pathetic and I am weak. I start to kiss him back. I can’t help myself, he feels good and solid and he’s kissing me like, like he really cares. I run my hands over his shoulders and kiss him back with all that I can. I’m worth it dammit. Isn’t…isn’t this worth it? Don’t I mean more to you than just sex? I have to.

 

I have to. He said I was the first girl he’s been with since his fiancée. Why wouldn’t he just fuck everything in sight if he didn’t really care about me? Why would he try to spend so much time with me?

 

I hear a click somewhere in the room, behind me. It starts to register that I should stop what I’m doing, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave his arms and I don’t want him to let me go.

 

“What the…”

 

I gasp and turn around, his hands have paused over my sides and he’s staring past me, behind me. Of course, of fucking course Justin is there staring at us with a shocked face. I guess now he knows and I guess now he’ll be out of denial and start to realize that we are together. I turn back and look at Trace, ready for him to defend us, to stick up for us, to tell him to leave us alone.

 

He clears his throat and steps from in front of me, around to get closer to Justin. "This isn’t what you think."

 

I feel myself fall and crash down into the floor like a piece of delicate glass shattering. What an asshole! I shake my head and back away, saying, “Oh my God! You act like Justin’s your wife and you are on a soap opera and just got caught cheating!" He doesn’t look at me, just stares at his best friend. I move and get in front of Trace so that he’ll finally look at me. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

 

Is…is he ashamed of me?

 

Holy shit. He’s…he’s ashamed of me, embarrassed. I bite my lip. I can’t…I can’t do this.

 

“What the hell is going on?” Justin says, being the dumb idiot he is, standing in the doorway just staring between us.

 

I shake my head at Trace. Fuck him. Fuck him and his insecurities. I wasn’t asking for much. Just, just the truth. Even if he told me all he wanted was sex, I could handle it. I could fucking handle it. But no, he has to go around and act like this is my problem. Well for once, this isn’t my problem. I might be difficult and sometimes I might give mixed signals but my head was clear about this.

 

Fucking crystal.

 

“Absolutely nothing, Justin.” I turn and walk out. It’s all I can do to keep myself from screaming.

 

Everyone out there is staring at me. Why the hell are they staring at me? Meredith and Megan are by the table, eating something, staring. Why are they all staring at me? I shake my head and march straight to the doors that lead to the bathrooms and the exit. I walk, I just walk and I walk heading out, going somewhere. I don’t know how long I’m going to go or where I’m going to go but I have to get out of here. I have to get away form all this drama.

 

I didn’t ask for this. I just, I just wanted someone…someone to really take notice of me and care about me.

 

Is that so much to ask?

 

“Courtney…”

 

I stop in my tracks and almost trip up. Ya know, there was a time when I would turn around and I’d see him there, standing, looking lost, begging me with his eyes to come back to him, telling me that he was sorry but not really saying it. And I would buy into it and I’d run and I’d fall against him and cry and beg him to take me back and beg him to never leave me again.

 

But I’m not that girl anymore. And I’m not going to put up with this.

 

“Don’t follow me.”

 

If it means being alone and, and closed off then oh well. It’s better than me getting in over my head and getting hurt like I have been.

 

Because I can’t handle being hurt like that again.

 

Maybe he was right. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe he’s not ready for commitment and I’m no where near ready for this kind of relationship. Some people are just destined to be alone, right? It’s not a bad thing. There are a lot of people out there like me, alone, on their own. I don’t care about getting married and having kids and a perfect family. I have a good job. I make a hell of a lot of money. I don’t need friends or a lover or a fucking boyfriend.

 

I don’t need anybody.

 

He calls out my name and I continue walking forward, heading to some double doors, unsure of where they will lead me, positive that wherever it is it’s a better place than this over lit hallway that echoes and smells like bleach. “Don’t…” I say and push through the doors, whispering to myself. “It’s over.”

 

Chapter 23

 

Meredith’s bedroom, 7:35 p.m.

 

“So, he’s not.” I smile at Megan who’s sprawled out on Meredith’s bed, her legs kicked up, her fingers flipping through some magazine. She doesn’t pay attention to me, just flips a page violently and starts to smile.

 

“Well, he certainly isn’t any more.”

 

This girl’s hilarious. I haven’t really hung out with her a whole lot until today and yesterday. I talked to her quite a bit at the party last night and introduced her to a lot of people because Meredith was busy most of the night. In fact, I only really got to see her a couple times. When I first arrived, she ran over, kissed me quickly, hugged Megan and Trace and then scampered off. She talked to both of us for about ten minutes a little later and then near the latter part of the night she plopped down beside me, leaned her head against my shoulder, complained of a champagne headache and sore feet and told me she was ready to go home.

 

Heels click in the bathroom that I can’t see into and I hear Meredith yell, “Meg, stop being a slut face!”

 

Megan looks up to her left and narrows her eyes. “Shut up and get ready! I’m hungry.”

 

“We still gotta wait for them to come pick us up, darling.” Heels click again and I hear the sink running for a moment. I want to go in there and see her and kiss her, but I don’t. I just sit here and roll up my sleeves like a good boy and don’t bother her. I’ve been in the dog house for a week now. It sucks. Sure we’ve kissed and made out pretty heavily, but she hasn’t let me get naked with her in a week, no two weeks ‘cause the last time we did shit was in Tennessee. And we’re all going out tonight to celebrate her album release on a much quieter and smaller scale than last night and I know she’s gonna be looking hot and teasing the shit out of me.

 

“I’m trying to have a conversation here…” Megan rolls her eyes, throws the magazine off the bed and moves to sit up, looking at me. “Anyway so he told me he lied about being a virgin ‘cause he thought I was one and didn’t want to scare me.”

 

I laugh and say, “I thought Meredith might have been one when I first met her.”

 

Megan laughs, “I can see that. She can play the shy card, but me…hello, I’m about as blunt as they come.”

 

Heels click some more and my girl comes into view and I smile at her. She’s got one hand on her hip, wearing sexy, tight jeans and a cute little sleeveless top. Shit, she looks good. She waves her makeup brush in between me and Megan, “Should I be worried that my boyfriend is so interested that my best friend is having sex with her own boyfriend.”

 

“Mere you don’t understand,” I say, trying to get her to come over here and give me a kiss. I bite my lip like I know she likes and smile at her. “You don’t find many twenty something year old guys who are virgins and who are attractive.”

 

It doesn’t work and for a moment I feel like an idiot when she bends over in laughter. “Oh my god, you found him attractive!”

 

“Shut up, I’m confident enough in myself to be able to say that.”

 

She rolls her eyes at me. “Confident, don’t you mean arrogant?”

 

It doesn’t really hurt my feelings, but she’s taken the fact that she’s “mad” at me a little farther than I like. It’s not like she’s mean to me, but she picks on me a lot more and I know if I was picking on her right now she’d really get mad at me and probably get a bit of an attitude. I don’t know, I guess that’s unfair. I guess I deserve it. I guess she’s trying to teach me a lesson or something since she didn’t like that I blew up at her and her assistant. But damn, I’m not in school any more. I don’t need a fucking teacher. “Hush.”

 

She waves me away and walks back into the bathroom. “You shouldn’t have said that. Now she’s gonna want you to have a threesome.”

 

I raise an eyebrow at Megan. “Really now?”

 

“Nah, she’d tease the hell out of you about it but never go through with it.”

 

“Megan!” I can’t help but laugh at her voice coming through the bathroom again. “Stop telling all my secrets and come in here in the good light and tell me if my eye makeup looks ok.”

 

“Well damn…” Megan says, pushing herself up off the bed and walking into the bathroom. “Hurry it up because they should be here any minute.”

 

The door shuts and I wonder why. It’s not like I’m going to spill their secrets. I guess they’re probably talking about me.

 

Stop being conceded Justin, they’re probably talking about something totally different. Probably about some hot guy or some girl thing that I wouldn’t understand. She does that with Courtney sometimes, too and that really annoys me. Megan doesn’t bother me. I know they are best friends and have secrets and shit. I don’t know. I guess I’ve been kind of weirded out ever since I walked in on Trace and her. It just doesn’t make sense to me. He’s never in his life gone for someone like her. He told me I didn’t know her enough to be able to make that judgment. Hell, I’ve been around her quite a bit the past few months. I think I know her pretty damn well.

 

And I still don’t trust her.

 

Especially after he said she just walked out on him and wouldn’t understand or couldn’t handle that he didn’t want a relationship. He told me that he told her he just wanted like a fuck buddy. I mean, if you can’t handle it don’t get in that situation, ya know? And clearly she can’t. I tried to be a good friend to Trace and listen to him but when he told me he had sex with her I was a little shocked. I mean, he hasn’t really been with anyone since Elisha. Maybe that’s the meaning of all this. He got so fucked up with her he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing, who he’s doing.

 

Meredith says I’m being unfair. She says I should give Courtney a chance. I don’t really understand why I should. I’m not obligated to be friends with her. I try to stay out of her way and she stays out of mine and that’s cool. But she’s still always fucking staring at me or staring at Meredith and I can’t stand that shit. It’s one thing if it’s a fan or just a by passer but shit, this girl is supposed to be professional. She’s got a job to do and it’s not to stare at me, taking notes or ripping me apart or trying to figure me out or whatever the hell it is she is trying to do. And it makes sense now all those times Meredith said she was moody or messed up or whatever. She and Trace had fought the night before or something. If she can’t keep her personal shit from messing up her work, then she’s not meant to be a personal assistant.

 

Trace hit me with the bomb, though. He told me he might care about her.

 

What in the hell? Have sex with the girl all you want, but if you start caring about her then yes, shit like this is gonna happen and she’s gonna run off and be pissed at you and take it all out on someone else and be a bitch about everything. I barely even saw her last night or him. I think he was trying to make it up to her at the party. He shouldn’t even bother. He should let me set him up with someone, like Bev who was here the other day. She’s a nice girl, dumb as fuck, but she’s like the perfect rebound chick. She’ll just stick around long enough, doesn’t give a shit if all you wanna do is have sex or just sit around and watch ESPN with a hot girl beside you. And she’s fuckin’ fine.

 

He should have started to date her or fuck around with her, really, ‘cause for some reason, me inviting Bev to rehearsals really got me in trouble with Mere. She kept wanting to know how I knew her, and how good of friends we use to be. I swore to her I’ve never fucked her, and I haven’t. I mean yeah, we might have fooled around once or twice, but that was like fuckin’ years ago. It was the first real time I’ve seen Mere jealous. Like when I was being an ass in Miami she wasn’t really jealous of those girls in the studio, just pissed at me and frustrated and hurt that I treated her the way I did, and she had every right to feel that way.

 

But Bev? I mean come on. I got Mere, why the hell would I want some other girl who’s not nearly as hot and who’s dumb as a brick?

 

I think I really fucked up at the awards when I blew up. After our fight in Miami, Mere latched onto me, decided to put all that behind us and move forward, but then she saw that I’m not perfect and I think it’s kind of jaded her. She’s been really cautious with me lately. Sure we’ve stayed over with each other at night, but she’s not as physical with me and not as happy. At least she doesn’t seem that way. I feel like I’m always doing something wrong. I don’t know what I gotta do but I gotta do something to make her realize that I’m not purposefully trying to be an ass. I fucked up, I’m gonna fuck up.

 

She keeps saying that she knows that and that she knows I’m not perfect, but I don’t know.

 

Sometimes I wonder. And with us going on tour in a little more than a week, we gotta get this mess figured out.

 

I know I overreacted about the interview mix up, it wasn’t that big of a deal but it was all over the tabloids and Access Hollywood did do a story on it. Of course they asked all our reps and they confirmed that we were together so it was all cleared up but still, they made it seem like she was an idiot for saying “no” when we were really together. I seemed to get off the hook pretty easily. She didn’t seem that upset about it, but I was. I’m still not really sure how it all got mixed up. Angie seemed to pretty much clean Courtney’s name, said that it was her fault and her mix up, but I don’t know. I guess what bothered me the most is that it didn’t even seem to phase Meredith. I guess that’s good that all this press shit doesn’t bother her that much but it’s like she’s completely numb to it, it’s like all she cares about is me and that’s, that’s ok I guess.

 

I guess it’s just weird. Before I thought the way she just dove right into me and was all in love was kind of naïve and blind, but then I don’t know. Maybe, maybe she’s actually more mature. She’s not cautious and she’s not got this box around her protecting her. She’s strong and she wants to be in love and so she let herself fall for me not caring about the consequences. I think she feels like she can deal with me and her feelings and I know she has faith in me. And maybe the awards made her remember Miami and made her lose some of that faith.

 

Shit.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think she’s gonna break up with me or anything. I just feel like I’ve dug myself in this hole and I’m trying so hard to get out of it. But I’m afraid after I get out there’s just gonna be another hole. And sometimes I wonder if she really understands me.

 

I know she does. I know she gets me and understands how I think about things, but at the same time she…she challenges me. She makes me not…not think about myself so much. She makes me feel sometimes like...like I need to change. Do I need to change? I just don’t know if this stuff is good or bad. Like, sometimes I think she wants more from me than I can give.

 

I want to be in love, I want to be in love with her. I want to be a couple and be exclusive and all that great stuff, but…but sometimes I think she wants more. And I see myself with her, I really do, for a long, long time. But I don’t know if it’s as long as she sees us together.

 

I’m not even thirty.

 

Shit. Why am I even thinking like this? We’ve been together like a month and a half and here I am freaking out because I think she wants me to marry her or something. I take a deep breath. I just need to calm down. I’m over analyzing this. I just need to be with her and be happy because she’s right for me and she feels right for me.

 

And I feel right when I’m with her.

 

Sometimes I wish I could just shut off my mind. It always seems to be wandering to places and making assumptions that it has no reason to.

 

The door opens again and I sit up a bit, hoping that it’s her, hoping I can get a smile and some reassurance, but it’s only Megan. She closes the door behind her, laughs and goes up onto the bed again and looks around for something. “Beware, she’s starting to plug up a curling iron.”

 

“I should be worried?”

 

Megan makes some dramatic face and widens her eyes. “Yeah, Meredith is great when she has Shanda doing her makeup and hair or if she’s just going for a normal everyday look. But when she’s doing her own stuff for a night on the town she gets excited and takes…”

 

I roll my eyes but smile. I’ve noticed that. Normally she doesn’t try to get too dolled up, and she’s breathtaking even in the mornings when she has nothing on. There’s been a few times when I’ve wanted to take her out and it seemed like it was taking her a century in that bathroom, doing whatever it is she does. “Forever.”

 

The smile on Megan’s face is gone when I look at her again and she’s staring me down with an eyebrow raised. “Are you annoyed?”

 

“Um no, not really.” I take a deep breath trying to loose the feeling that I’m on a damn witness stand. “Why?”

 

“Good.” She moves her eyes and sighs. “’Cause she’s been that way ever since I’ve known her and she’s not going to change.”

 

I feel like this conversation is starting to go to a place that I don’t want it to, so I quickly try my best to stop it from turning into some deep thing about how I don’t deserve her and need to treat her right and etcetera etcetera. “I’m glad she has you Megan.”

 

“Me too. She needs someone to keep her grounded when she starts getting all gushy over you.”

 

She doesn’t look at me, just leans off the bed and picks up the remote that was on the ground and looks at it curiously. Great, now I’m going to have to dig further which is gonna get her preaching to me about being a good boyfriend, but my curiosity won’t just let me shut up and sit here and be quiet. I mean, I know Mere gets kind of excited sometimes, but that’s not really a bad thing is it?

 

“What?”

 

Her eyes stare directly into mine, “Please, you’ve been around her enough. You know how she gets. She’s all in love and obsessed and happy to be with you, and I’m glad for that, I really am. But I just don’t want her getting too far from reality. You fucked up in Miami, you guys got in that fight last week apparently, and you seem to be kind of, non-uber excited about the tour which is stressing her out.”

 

“Wait. Just hold on.” I sit up in the cushiony chair that I’m in and lean forward, my elbows on my knees. I hate this shit. I hate that I feel like I have to prove myself to Megan. She’s a great girl and a lot of fun and I’m glad my girl has someone like her in her life, but shit, this big sister act is getting damn old. “Miami, we’re past that ok? I know I fucked up but we’re trying to move on. And the awards thing, well we’ve talked about it a lot since then. Yeah I over reacted, but I think I had reason to. I think she knows that now. I was an ass that night and believe me, she’s punishing me for it. But she knows I was upset and she knows I had a right to be upset and we’re getting past that. Now, about the tour…”

 

She cuts me off. “About the tour, I’m glad you aren’t in a dream world about it like she is. I’m glad you’re being cautious. I’m just trying to get her to be a little more like that and think things through a little more. But don’t think that she’s being naïve or dumb. It’s not that at all. She knows something could fuck up, but she has faith that it’s not going to. Maybe a little too much. She’s never fell this hard before, and she trusts you. And I know you are aware that if you break that trust, you’re gonna have to deal with me, but what’s even worse, you’re gonna have to deal with her…and that’s scary.”

 

I rub my forehead with my hand. I had a pretty bad hangover this morning. Last night after her release party we went back to my place and most of us kept drinking and got completely trashed. I kind of passed out after a while and woke up this morning with me shirtless, but still in my pants and Meredith laying half on top of me still in her dress, laying on the comforter of my bed. I had the worst hangover and I think it’s starting to come back. “Megan, when can we stop with the big sister act and just hang out?”

 

“I promise I won’t lecture any more…” She grins at me. “At least not anymore tonight.”

 

I nod at her in thanks but I don’t really feel grateful, “I appreciate that.”

 

I sit back in my chair and just stare at my hands, thinking about how I wish they could be on my girl, anywhere. This morning she threw up and I held her hair back for her and it was so smooth and soft. She got mad at me and told me just to hold her hair and stop toying with it while she was puking. The click of the TV takes my thoughts off my hands and her body and this morning and how I hope maybe tomorrow morning I can wake up with her again and start it over without me having to hold back her hair, but with me running my hand over her back under the covers and kissing her shoulders to wake her up. Megan starts to laugh and I look up but not because of her laughter but because the door to the bathroom squeaks open, “God, you guys only watch the damn food network.”

 

I smile at my girl as she leans against the doorway, “Mere has some strange fetish with it.”

 

“Oh my god, I do not.” She throws a small hand towel at me in protest, but I catch it and laugh at her. “Shut up, you like it too.”

 

I look her up and down, she’s got her hair wavy but kind of pulled back and her body looks smoking. I reach out my hand, put the towel on the floor and motion for her to come over. “You look good.”

 

She smiles at me, saunters over and sits down on my knee. Her body leans into mine and she kisses me softly. She pulls back with a smile and I lick my lips. Her lip gloss tastes like something, I don’t know what it is but it’s sweet. I kiss her again, opening my mouth just a little and I hear her sigh. Fuck, I want to make her sigh my name and I want her naked with me.

 

It’s been too damn long.

 

“Need me to leave so you guys can make babies?”

 

I pull away and laugh, but I stop when she hops off of me and pats my head. “Nope, no making babies for Justin.”

 

I look at Megan and sigh, “I’ve been in the dog house for a fucking week.”

 

She laughs at me. “Told ya, you don’t wanna mess with her.”

 

“Clearly.”

 

Meredith smiles and turns to me, “Have they called?”

 

I narrow my eyes at her and reach up to pinch her side. My hand gets slapped. I feel the phone start to vibrate in my pocket and pull it to my ear and press the button saying, “psychic” to Meredith and passing her a look so that she knows how much I want her.

 

“Huh?”

 

I laugh at the confused voice over the phone. “Nothing, you here?”

 

“Like a minute away, we’ll beep the horn. Someone’s being impatient and says there’s no time to get out and visit and all that shit.”

 

I roll my eyes. I don’t know why he picked her up. I thought she was driving here separate. I bet this is Mere’s doings. I bet she called up Trace and told him to go pick Courtney up on his way. She needs to stop meddling in their business so much. It’s going to get her in trouble.

 

“Right, see ya in a sec.” I pull the phone down and stand up so I can slide it into my front pocket. I touch Mere’s neck and shoulder, squeezing gently as she rolls her head back and closes her eyes. “Y’all ready?”

 

“Yeah…” Megan yawns, clicks off the TV and says, “Lemme go get my purse.”

 

She walks out of the room and Mere goes to turn the light off in the bathroom. When she turns back around I make a point of being right there. I put my arms around her and hold her against me, smiling down at her.

 

“You look good girl.” I lean in and kiss her nose. She always gets this little cute smile when I do it.

 

“I better.”

 

I lean down again and this time I press my lips against her neck, softly. Damn, does she smell good. “You always look good.”

 

She pulls back from me before I can kiss her neck a little more seductively. She just smiles up at me, a perfect white smile that makes me melt. This girl has made me fall bad. It’s like I just need her. And the more I get the more I want and the less I get the more eager and desperate I get to have her. I know sometimes I try to hide it so I don’t look like a complete fool, but if she saw inside my mind and how much I craved her and wanted her, she’d see how bad I got it. I got it just as bad as she does, if not more so. Mere’s just a little more comfortable showing her feelings than I am. I know that’s a problem of mine, I know I need to work on it. But shit, changing is hard, especially when you’re trying to change for someone else and not yourself.

 

“You’re trying so hard to get off probation, aren’t you?”

 

“Mere…” Feeling her body against me is making me weak, and smelling her sweet perfume and seeing her bright smile. Shit, this girl knows I got it bad and she likes seeing it. I start begging her, and I hardly ever beg. “Please, it’s been like two fucking weeks since I’ve-“

 

She leans in and says slowly against my lips, “You should be able to wait for me.” Then kisses me, touching her tongue against my bottom lip and pulling away with a sexy look in her eyes.

 

I turn up my nose and whine at her, pulling away and putting my arms over my chest. I know I sound ridiculous but I’d give anything to connect with her like that again. “You’re never gonna have sex with me again, are you?”

 

She laughs, pats my arm and starts to walk away from me. “Aww, you sound so pitiful.”

 

“You’re mean.” I shuffle after her out into the hallway but she turns and stops and puts her arms around my neck, smiling at me.

 

“You like being teased, ‘cause you know once we do have sex it’s gonna be fucking phenomenal.”

 

I don’t touch her and when she leans in to kiss me I don’t kiss her back, but instead try my best to give her the most pathetic and sad look I can muster up. “Yeah if we ever have sex….”

 

“That’s true.” She just laughs and pulls away from me. “We might not ever again…” She looks over her shoulder, walking down towards the den area, winking at me, “Then what will you do….”

 

Damn that woman. She’s too hot and she knows it.

 

“Guys, they’re here…” I hear Megan call and I narrow my eyes at her.

 

“I really hate you.”

 

She laughs again and snatches up a small purse that was laying on her couch. I follow her to the door and stare at her ass as she presses a few buttons in the alarm system keypad. I wonder what she’s got on under there. I hold the door open for her as we go and she turns to say to me, “Are we coming back here tonight or going to…”

 

But I don’t pay attention because she stops mid sentence. I look up and the head lights of Trace’s Beemer are highlighting her closed garage. I hear a car door open, but I don’t see it, I don’t see anything but the two single lights that are bobbing and nearing us, coming from the street. It’s chilly outside and the wind seems to have picked up.

 

I blink.

 

This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening, not…not here.

 

Meredith’s hand is in mine immediately, holding on tight. I feel her holding onto me, standing behind me. We’re down the couple of front steps and I just stare. I feel the blood rush from my face.

 

I blink again, hoping this is a dream, hoping this is going away, hating every minute.

 

But when I open my eyes again the two lights are still there, closer now, not bobbing, and Megan is there with her hands on her hips, attitude in her voice, “Um, who the fuck are you?”

 

There’s a deep laugh, a sniff and one of the guys there holding the video camera, moves it from his face, smiling through his bushy beard and bringing a lit cigarette up to his lips, “Hi Justin, Meredith, having a good night?” He blows the smoke towards us.

 

I grip Meredith’s hand harder. She’s stiff, I can feel it and her nails are digging into the skin of my palm a little bit. I bite my lip and step forward, glaring at these two guys. Who the fuck do they think they are? “Are you serious right now, man?” I say to the one who’s blowing smoke at us. Asshole.

 

I’m seriously wondering if they realize what they are doing. This is private property, not just Meredith’s house, the whole fucking neighborhood. I don’t know how the hell they got through the front gate to the neighborhood. Hell, the security guard gave me a hard time a few weeks ago because I didn’t know Mere’s number address. These guys are trespassing and they’re gonna have a hell of a fun time in jail.

 

Idiots.

 

Just calm down Justin, just get in the car and get out of here and call Johnny and have him deal with it.

 

“Oh…that’s your friend, right Meredith?” One of them says, pushing their camera up in Megan’s face.

 

She puts her hand up on the lens to block it and they pull back a little bit. I hear Trace’s voice say, “Hey, back off ok, you guys find something better to do.” Another car door slams.

 

“Pays the bills right here.” One of them says and laughs.

 

The guy with the video camera looks up at me and smiles, sickening. I see his eyes shift to the right of me a little bit and then back into my own. “You’re girlfriend is looking hot tonight.” He starts to say and I can literally feel my blood start to pump and boil. I fist my hands and feel Meredith’s hand in mine, still holding on like she’s dangling off a cliff and I’m the only thing that’s got her. Yeah, it sucks and these assholes are breaking the law, but she’s not saying anything. I...I hope she’s not freaking out on me. I know she’s use to paparazzi, but it’s never cool when they are at your house.

 

“You think maybe she and her friend will let you take some kinky pictures of them like they’ve done before?”

 

“Justin…” She says softly and pulls on my hand and arm, pulling me back. Immediately Trace is blocking me, trying to get me to look at him, trying to calm me down. I don’t even know what I was doing, but I’m staring that asshole with the fucking beard down, ready to punch is fucking face in. It’s over now. That dude just fucked himself over.

 

I stare that son of a bitch right in the face and try to step forward, past Trace. I try to let go of Meredith but now she’s got her other hand on my side, almost around me, pulling me back. “You wanna rile me up? Go ahead, rile me up as far as you want! I promise you won’t get very fucking far.”

 

“Hey, no need to get rude. We’re just making a conversation and getting some pictures. Ya know you’ve always liked whores, so we just wanted to docu-”

 

I rip away from Meredith and almost push past Trace but he puts his hands on my shoulders and won’t let go. I still don’t look at him. “No, no no…stop it. Calm down.”

 

“You wanna fucking call my girl a whore again?” I say.

 

“You wouldn’t do a damn thing, pussy.”

 

I move, trying to get so I can punch this fucker’s face in. Who the hell does he think he is?

 

But I feel hands behind me, small hands pulling me back, her voice calling me, saying desperately in a whisper, “Justin, stop it.”

 

I take a breath and turn to her, trying my best to calm down. She looks like she might cry. I know she’s not going to, I know probably no one else notices. But I see her lip trembling a little bit, the confident look that’s normally in her eyes is gone and she’s pleading with me, silently. I look at her, “Get inside.”

 

“Please…” She whispers, glancing at the paparazzi for a moment. God, how the FUCK did they get in here?

 

I grit my teeth and say to her slowly, “Just go inside, now.”

 

I see Courtney come over out of the corner of my eye and she nods at me, and hooks her arm in between Meredith’s and tries her best to pull her from me. She does, and says softly, “Come on, Mere…”

 

“Justin he’s fucking with you…” I hear Trace say in a quiet voice as I watch the girls go inside. Meredith looks back at me and she looks fucking defeated or something. “Just calm down, maybe you should go inside, too. We’ll call the cops and they’ll-”

 

I pivot around and step forward, getting close to the guy with the beard’s face, the other guy looks like he’s only 20 and has a skinny face and sunken eyes like he’s been on drugs or something. He looks harmless though. I bet I could snap him in half. “You know you’re fucking trespassing! You can get your ass in jail for that and you’re harassing me? How stupid can you be? Don’t think I haven’t been through enough of this shit before.”

 

The guy with the beard laughs and puts the camera back in my face, the bright light blinding me for a second. “Oh I know, you like to make a big scene for the cameras and then act like its all sad and depressing that people are taking your picture and you want the cops to stop us. They won’t do shit. It’s not illegal to take a picture. You’re just a pussy with a slutty girlfriend.”

 

Trace is in front of me faster than I can do anything and he’s trying his best to talk to this guy civilly, but that’s not gonna work ‘cause these fuckers are animals and they don’t give a fucking shit. “Man, you need to chill the fuck down. That’s out of line and you know it.”

 

“Who’s this? Your little bitch lover?”

 

He laughs and turns around to me, rolling his eyes. “Oh right, like I’ve never heard that before.” He tells me to come with him and we get closer to the car. I look back, surprised the paps aren’t following us, their talking to each other and I can’t hear what they are saying. Trace’s trying to calm me down but it’s not working. I just stare at these assholes, glaring, wishing I knew what they were saying. I can’t believe this. They fucking ruined my damn good night. I was gonna have fun with my girl and our friends and here they gotta show up and fuck up every damn thing. And now I’m gonna have to fucking deal with this drama all fucking night. Maybe Trace is right, I should just go inside.

 

Courtney comes back outside from where she took Mere and Megan in and waves her cell phone in the air, smiling at the assholes. “You guys are welcome to stick around. I called security and the PD so you are welcome to stay around if you’d like to be arrested.”

 

The skinny guy points to me with his digital camera. Fuck, I should just rip the thing from his grimy ass fingers. “You might want to give him his rabies shot. He’s starting to foam at the mouth.”

 

“You guys are pathetic and lame, just leave,” Courtney says. I’m just leaning against the car with my arms crossed, waiting, waiting for them to fuck up again.

 

“Why?”

 

I glare and push myself off the car, “‘Cause I’ll have your fucking ass arrested, that’s why.”

 

One of those assholes tries to fucking mock me in a high pitched voice. How pathetic. “My fucking ass arrested? Oh dear...”

 

I look at Trace and point to the fuckers, “Did he seriously just mock me?”

 

“Justin he’s a tool. Just forget about it and get in the house and me and Courtney will handle it.”

 

I sigh and think maybe he’s right. I probably should just go inside and calm down and sit down and think for a second. Think how I’m going to deal with this. They’re not gonna fuck around with Courtney and Trace, all they want is me or Mere to make some scene. I sigh and try to shake off this horrible feeling.

 

My head snaps up at that word, at the word I know I just heard that asshole say. He just said my girl was being a shy little cunt. I stare at him and push myself off the car.

 

Oh, fuck no.

 

I pull away from where Trace is trying to hold me back and go right up into the guys face. I should just punch him, I shouldn’t even try to say anything, “What did you just say?” The fucker just laughs, just laughs and blows smoke in my face.

 

I hear and feel both Courtney and Trace pulling me back. “Justin…” They say and I try my best to pull away from them.

 

“Let go of me!”

 

“No…calm down, ok?” Courtney says to me. I can’t look her in the face right now. I can’t look anyone in the face. They don’t know, they don’t understand. This is her god damn house! This isn’t a restaurant or a club, this is her fucking HOUSE and even if we were at a restaurant, if one of these fuckers called my girl that, they wouldn’t have time to think. “You’re giving him everything he wants.”

 

I pull away. They’re right. I am. I’m doing exactly what those fuckers want, but I can’t just let someone bash my girl and get away from it. I pace a little bit and point to the guys who are now looking off into the distance. “He just called Meredith a cunt.”

 

“They’re three year olds calling people names, just-” I breathe thank God when I hear a low siren in the distance.

 

“Shit dude…” The skinny guy says and takes off running. The bearded guy takes off as well, throwing his cigarette down, just as the flashing lights come into view. I think it’s just the neighborhood security though and not the cops. At least it’s someone.

 

“Not part of the plan!” One of them shouts. I want to run after them and as they run to the right of Meredith’s house through the bushes that separates her property from her neighbors.

 

“See, just pathetic losers who run away at anything,” Trace says and I rip away and pace some more. I want to follow them but I know that won’t do any good. We have their descriptions, if the photo or video comes up the cops will be able to trace it back, hell, examine that damn cigarette butt and get some DNA. I rub my forehead. Breathe, they didn’t murder anyone, just breathe.

 

They’ll get found out, those trespassing son of a bitches. I can’t believe they just walked right up here and starting saying that shit.

 

I don’t care who you are, you don’t have a fucking right to do that.

 

“’How the fuck did they get in here Trace? This is a private community.”

 

“I don’t know, but we’ll find out when we talk to this guy, ok?” He replies, nodding at the guard stepping out of his car. “And if you wanna press charges we will.”

 

Courtney sighs and calls back to us as she walks towards the guard, “Mere will have to do that. It’s her property that was trespassed.”

 

I stare after her. I’ll still fucking press for harassment. You watch me. And Meredith will press charges, I guarantee that shit. Trace is in front of me again, “Go inside. I do not want you talking to this guy when you’re pissed off.”

 

“Way to fucking ruin a perfect night.”

 

“Why are you letting this get to you?”

 

I shake my head. Why doesn’t he understand? They called my girl a cunt on her own property. It just doesn’t make sense. Why would they be that stupid? Why would anyone be that stupid? Paparazzi are usually smart or at least clever, and these guys…I don’t know. Maybe they are just idiots, but then how did they know where to find her. And how the FUCK did they get past that front gate? I look at him. “It’s one thing at a restaurant or a club or out shopping, but this is her fucking house Trace. That’s not right. And why the hell would they just come up like that?”

 

“To get a reaction out of you.”

 

“That’s sick,” I say.

 

“Yeah, but it’s how it works. You know that.”

 

“I just...” I sigh and run my hands over my head. I have a migraine and I could really use my punching bag right around now. “Usually if they get someone’s house they keep all secretive and shit. This…this just doesn’t make logical sense.” I shake my head and say to him, “Call Teddy and Tiny. I want them to search the area.”

 

“Justin, you’re freaking out.”

 

I glare at him. What the hell? “Don’t you think I have a right to? God Dammit Trace, this is her fucking house and they just walked right up and started saying shit.”

 

“Ok, ok…look, I get it.” He says. “I’d be pissed, too. Hell, I am pissed. Those guys were royal assholes.” He shakes his head and points to Mere’s front door. “But you need to hide that right now and go in there and make sure she’s ok and calm yourself down. Let me handle this. Looking like you want to hit something isn’t going to do damn thing.”

 

“I hate when you’re right about everything.”

 

“I know…” He pushes on my shoulder and says, “Go inside.” He turns to walk towards the security guard there. I know he’ll want to talk to me and Meredith and Megan, but I just, I need to be alone right now. I just need to get alone and let this shit calm down. ‘Cause…’cause right now I’m about to blow up.

 

I’m not supposed to let shit like this bother me. I’m supposed to be a pro at this. Yeah, it always pisses me off, but usually I can just let it go by ignoring them, not smiling or flipping them off. It’s one thing for them to completely be idiots and trespass, but…but why were they trying so hard to piss me off? Why were they saying shit about her? Why couldn’t they just get their footage and get out and get paid? Now they have more shit to worry with. Now they’re fucking running around in the bushes trying to escape the fucking police.

 

I just have this feeling that something’s not right about this situation. It’s always awkward when people are taking pictures of you, but something about this just, it just doesn’t feel right. I think that’s why I’m so upset. Something…something is just not right. I wish I could explain it better. It’s like this was planned or orchestrated. It’s like someone was really trying to get to me. It just doesn’t make sense.

 

But I’ll figure it out. Something’s going on here, and I’ll be damned if I don’t find out who’s to blame for this. The past few weeks I’ve been a little paranoid for some reason. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m being over cautious about a new girlfriend or what, but something about tonight isn’t right and I’m going to find out who’s behind it. I’ve never been wrong about a gut feeling before and I know damn well I’m not wrong now.

Chapter 24

 

Meredith’s front steps, 8:59 p.m.

 

There’s this stillness about a summer night in LA that doesn’t quite compare to a summer night in Millington and that never has sat right with me. The distant drum of road noise echoes in your ears, and when you look up at the sky you can tell there aren’t any clouds but you still can’t see the stars. You can hear crickets and bugs in the bushes beside you, but they don’t seem to be singing like they do in Tennessee. Summer nights in Tennessee are hot, muggy, but refreshing, not chilly and dead like here. The cicadas would drown out any road noise, but there wouldn’t be any road noise anyway, just the occasional pick up with a busted headlight chugging along the two lane highway a quarter mile out in front of your front porch.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I like LA. I love the restaurants and the shops and being out here where there’s so much shit to do that it’s impossible for someone to be bored. But I miss being bored. I miss Tennessee. I miss being lazy and having not a damn thing to do but take a nap, or walk down to the bait shop. I miss having to just go for a drive for excitement, not going anywhere, not stopping until you got back home, just driving. I miss being in Tennessee with a girl.

 

She sighs next to me, a tired, bored sigh. I pull the cigarettes out of my front pocket and smack them into my palm for a moment trying to smack out the thoughts coming into my mind, the thoughts of being in Tennessee with her.

 

I fucked up. I fucked up bad. At least she’s sitting beside me now and at least she doesn’t seem disgusted with me like she was in the car. She didn’t want me to pick her up. She said she could do it herself, but I was already at her door at that point and she was just walking out. I said some smartass retarded thing about how carpooling is good for the environment and she rolled her eyes and mumbled something about hoping I’d choke on smog. It was silent in the car ride here and I really didn’t know what to say, so I just turned the radio up a little bit and pretended that she wasn’t even there, knowing she didn’t want me to acknowledge her.

 

Then we pulled up, we honked the horn. She watched the front door and watched them come out and I watched her. I looked at her and her hair and how she had pulled it back and how she was looking rather beautiful in that moment with the sun low in the sky, behind the horizon. It’s kind of how I’ve felt the past couple days, still there, still trying to peek through and get to her, knowing I’ve burnt out my time, but completely blocked, realizing I’d have to just lay low for a while until she wants me back. But I guess the sun is always around…somewhere.

 

I don’t know. That’s gay. I should stop thinking this way. I’m getting too deep and getting to the point where I don’t even understand what I mean.

 

I pull a cigarette out, I only have two left. It keeps still between my lips but I don’t light it yet, and I don’t really know why. Part of me wants a smoke so I don’t have to talk to her, so I can occupy my mouth with something else while I think about her and sit near her.

 

But then if I really don’t want to talk to her, why haven’t I gone inside yet? The cop left five minutes ago and I didn’t like him and I really didn’t like his attitude. I should probably check on Justin, especially since I could tell Justin was almost as furious at the cop as he was the paps.

 

I don’t really blame him. The fucking cop seemed amused by all this like it was a joke but at the same time annoyed, like we we’re all acting like children.

 

“Well, that guy was an asshole.” I say, mumbling with the cigarette about to fall from my mouth, but I know it won’t. I’ve got it under control. When I first started smoking I’d get in front of a mirror with an unlit cig and practice talking with one in my mouth, barely hanging on like you see all those bad ass guys do in the movies. I guess that’s one of the reasons I started to smoke, to look cool. My best friend was mister fucking cool, selling all these records with all these girls around, living in Florida and fucking around and having his dreams come true. And what was I? A high school drop out, with no direction, no dreams and who no girl wanted to be seen with, not even if I told them that my best friend was Justin Timberlake from Nsync.

 

They wouldn’t have believed me anyway. They never did.

 

So I started getting really into what I wore and how I acted and how I spoke. I didn’t change who I was, but I tried to refine myself, define myself. Smoking looked cool to me so I picked it up. I started drinking hard liquor instead of beer just to seem older, to be cooler.

 

I was the lamest fucking 16 year old.

 

She clears her throat, shifts a little bit next to me and sighs, “Which one?”

 

I still am pretty fucking lame. And I don’t know what the hell I was thinking trying to look as cool as my best friend. Justin has never been cool.

 

Justin’s lamer than I am.

 

I hold in my laughter and pull the cigarette from my mouth holding it in between my fingers. “The cop.”

 

“He couldn’t do anything Trace. We filed a report, but this is private property. It’s up to the private security to search the area.”

 

“Yeah…” I yawn. I didn’t sleep very well last night. Normally I can sleep anywhere, anytime without a problem, but I guess I had too much shit on my mind and now I’m paying for it. “It just sucks they got away.”

”Yeah, don’t take it out on that cop. He had an attitude, but he probably has a hell of a lot more important things to do than come out here and listen to two celebrities whine about getting their picture taken.”

 

“Are you serious? They were trespassing and harassing them, hell all of us.” I look at her and she’s not looking at me, staring down at her shoes, brushing a bit of dirt off the front of them. They’re these nice dressy short heels that are trendy and cute, something I’ve hardly ever seen her in.

 

“Trace, I know that.” She sighs, but still doesn’t look at me. In fact, she hasn’t really looked at me all night, all last night…ever since I fucked up. “And it pissed me off, but what can we do about it? Hell, they got exactly what they wanted. They freaked Meredith out, made her go and lock herself in her room all night and then they enraged Justin. Are you sure he doesn’t need anger management classes? I’ve never seen someone get so emotional so quickly. Not just about this Trace, about everything.”

 

“Justin’s an emotional guy…” I start to say more, but then I realize I should just leave him out of this. I know she hates him. I know he hates her, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Once Justin makes up his mind it takes a fucking army to make him change it.

 

“But…”

 

I cut her off quickly. We don’t need to go down this path. I wanna get her to like me again and I wanna make up for hurting her feelings like I did, and talking about Justin with her isn’t going to make this conversation pleasant at all. “But nothing…”

 

“You were gonna say something…”

 

“Just…” I rub my forehead and shift to finally pull my lighter out of my front pocket. It’s this fancy thing with my initials all engraved on it that my sister gave me for Christmas. My mom got mad, but I told her I’d just use it to light candles. Ha. I don’t even own candles. “I don’t know. It’s not a big deal.”

 

Justin does though. I have to buy this special kind for him from this specialty store in Beverly Hills. I mean, Justin can go there and buy them himself, but a lot of times it’s just easier if I do it ‘cause it’s right where a lot of paparazzi like to hang out. I don’t mind going there for him, but he use to not mind going there by himself or anywhere there on that street where there are a lot of cool shops that he likes. But now…

 

It’s not that he’s a hermit by any means, but dammit if he isn’t paranoid. I mean, I’ve seen him paranoid before but it’s like, not really paranoid about himself anymore, it’s about her, too.

 

“What isn’t a big deal?”

 

“He’s changed.” Shit, it’s on my mind and I can’t talk about this with him and Courtney is really the only person I got, even though it’ll probably piss her off. It’s kind of sad. I mean, it’s not like I’m ashamed she’s my friend or anything, but it’s kind of sad that Justin’s my best friend, and I have lots of other friends but none that I think I could talk to about him. They’d all want to try to get in the middle and get us to make up, when we really weren’t fighting to begin with. I’m just a little concerned, nothing major. Nothing that probably won’t blow over…I hope. I hope he starts acting normal again. “I mean, not like bad, I don’t know. Ever since him and Mere have got serious he’s been much more frantic than usual. He’s always been paranoid to an extent, but I don’t know. Tonight he was out of line. I would have been pissed, too but he knows that that’s what they are trying to do. He should have just gone inside at first. He’s been taught to handle situations like that.”

 

“You think Mere is a bad influence or something?”

 

I finally light my cigarette, not being able to wait anymore. I take in a deep soothing breath and let it out, enjoying the taste of tobacco. “I don’t know what’s going on. I guess I should talk to him about it.”

 

She laughs a little and I watch her rub her forehead and shake her head. Her voice isn’t bitter, but it’s kind of sad and disappointed. “Like you talked to him about us?”

 

“Court…”

 

“Sorry, let’s drop it.” She’s looking at me finally, but then I realize her eyes aren’t focused on me but on my mouth. She smiles at me a bit, “I wish you had another one.”

 

“We could go out and get a pack.” I say blowing the smoke out away from her.

 

“Nah, I’m supposed to be quitting.”

 

I laugh at her and hand her the cigarette. “You’ve been quitting ever since I met you.”

 

“You’re a bad influence.” She glares at me but then takes it and sucks in a breath, closing her eyes and letting it out slowly, sighing almost, before handing it back to me.

 

It’s quiet again, just the sound of a few bugs, distant sounds of cars and the smell of tobacco around us. She clears her throat and I hand her back the cigarette. “I wonder if Teddy and Tiny found anything.”

 

“I doubt it. What would they find? It’s not like there’s a blood trail. It’s like with the cops. It sucks, but they are really popular stars. This shit happens and I know we work for them and they are our friends, but I don’t know. I feel like the police should be paying more attention to people getting raped and murdered than if someone came on someone else’s property and started taking pictures.”

 

I laugh a little bit, “Don’t tell Justin that.”

 

“Whatever, I really don’t care what he thinks of me anymore. As long as he keeps out of my way I’m fine.” I can tell that in her voice she’s lying. I can tell that she puts up this front that she doesn’t give two shits what people think about her.

 

The truth is she cares, she really cares and the thing that eats her up inside is when people don’t like her and when people are mean and rude to her. She wants approval so bad, and I wanna give that to her. I just, I don’t know if the approval she wants is more than just friendship and the knowledge that someone else finds her attractive and fun and a good person. I can’t give her the satisfaction of dating or hell, falling in love with her.

 

I’m not ready for that. And maybe that’s a cop out and maybe that’s me being pathetic, but it’s the truth.

 

I’m more fucked up about Elisha than people realize, sometimes more than I even realize.

 

“That’s not gonna happen. You know that, right? We’re going on tour. You’re gonna be stuck with him, probably alone at some point. It’s just gonna happen, and you need to deal with it and get over it.”

 

“I think he’s the one that needs to get over it and his hate for me.”

 

“He doesn’t hate you.” She glares at me. “Ok, so he’s just a little weird sometimes, ok?”

 

She nudges me, but there isn’t a smile on her face. “So are you.”

 

“We’re all fucking freaks Courtney. Me, you, Megan, you’ve never seen Tiny when Diana Ross starts to sing but it’s scary, and Meredith’s pretty freakish, too.”

 

It’s quiet again and she takes in the last bit of the cigarette and then stubs it out on the brick steps. “You think her and Justin will last?”

 

I stare off at the road. This is a nice neighborhood, quiet. The houses are huge, but most of the front yards are open and big, perfect for families. It’s too suburban for me, but man, when I have a family I want the biggest fucking yard. I bet Courtney would want her kids growing up some place cosmopolitan in a condo or something. Hell, I bet she doesn’t even want kids. It doesn’t fucking matter anyway. I sometimes wonder if Meredith is the one for Justin. Eh, who knows? Probably, but he’ll probably get chicken and run her off.

 

‘The one’…I crack myself up.

 

No one has just ‘one’ person they are meant to be with. Hell, I thought, no…no, I knew Elisha was the one. Clearly she didn’t think the same way in return. So now I have to go try and find out if I’m doomed to be alone or if there is a ‘two’, a second in line to the ‘one’. I feel like I’m back in high school when you claim you are in love with someone and you really think you know what it is and what it means to be in love and then you break up and you realize you’re an immature idiot whose only connection with the girl was that she was a friend with you who liked eating pizza and was hot and had soft boobs.

 

With Elisha it was so much more than high school love. I was fucking in love with her. Hell, she taught me what love really was.

 

At least I thought. And now, now I’m back to feeling like I was in high school, but I don’t laugh at my immaturity now, ‘cause I wasn’t immature. Fuck, for the first time in my god damn life I was ready to be mature with someone and settle down and start a life, a life with someone else, a non-selfish life.

 

I was wrong.

 

I clear my throat, “I don’t know. It’s hard to say. I think she wants it to last, but I don’t get to talk to her that much really and when I do we just shit around. But I mean, I know Justin loves her and he thinks about her and cares about her more than any other girl he’s dated in a long, long time. Last time he was serious with a girl he was an immature brat so I don’t know, maybe this is really serious.”

 

“Right…”

 

“Anyway…” This conversation is starting to freak me out. I don’t want to talk to her about Justin, and I don’t want to talk to her about a relationship lasting. I change the subject quickly, maybe a little awkwardly but it’s successful. “What did Angie have to say?”

 

“Was calm at first, but the more I told her about what happened the more she started to freak out.”

 

I don’t have any qualms with Mere’s manager. It really has nothing to do with me, but lately this chick seems to be getting in over her head. Maybe Johnny should talk to her. I probably should have told him to give her a call when I talked to him a little bit ago.

 

I should stay out of it. “Do you like her?”

 

“She’s alright, I guess. She reminds me a lot of myself, but I don’t know. I don’t know if that is a good thing. She puts on this air like she knows what she’s doing, but sometimes I get this feeling like everything is a little bit out of control and out of her hands and she’s just trying to direct this mob of chaos so it doesn’t get too out of hand.”

 

I laugh and nudge her with my elbow. “I’m telling Mere you called her a mob of chaos.”

 

“Ooo I’m scared.” She laughs at me, looks at me for a moment and then quickly looks in front of her.

 

“Nah, I can see that. Johnny’s not like that, but Johnny’s been in this business for fucking forever. He was concerned, but this shit has happened before so whatever. That’s the cool thing about Johnny. Even with the shit hits the fan he stays real cool and never looks at anything in a super negative light. There’s always a positive somewhere.”

 

“I honestly think Mere needs someone more like that. I’m not saying Angie is bad at her job, but I don’t know. Meredith’s not just singing at malls and random state fairs any more. She’s big shot celebrity and I don’t know if Angie can handle that.”

 

I lean in a bit and say to her, “Can you handle it?

 

She shrugs. I meant it as a joke but she’s got a serious look on her face, and when she turns to look at me this time she doesn’t look away shyly, or scared. She stares right at me. “I don’t know, what do you think?”

 

I smile at her, trying to ease whatever worries are on her mind, worries that I probably caused. “You did a fucking fantastic job tonight.”

 

“What?”

 

“You handled it better than I did. I wanted to punch the guy in the face tonight, but you were smart, you got the girls inside, called the cops, didn’t waste any time and didn’t have to be told what to do. I’m proud of you.”

 

“Aww thanks…” She says sarcastically. “And I’m proud of you for holding back your rabid best friend and containing the urge to punch the guy. I really didn’t feel like having to go and bail your ass out of jail tonight.”

 

“You’d bail me out?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe. I’d leave Justin in there though.”

 

I laugh with her. “He probably needs it. I’m glad he’s in there now,” I say nodding back to the house. “And I hope he’s chilling out and not flipping.”

 

“Sometimes I feel like a damn zookeeper with those two.”

 

“You like it though?”

 

“Yeah, actually. I mean it’s a hell of a lot more stressful than I thought it would be, like tonight, or like having to deal with her boyfriend that can’t stand me or…or having all this other drama with…” She stops short, sucks in a sharp breath, glances at me and starts to cough.

 

“With…”

 

She shrugs and continues on like she didn’t just ramble herself into a corner. “I like it. But it’s harder than I thought it would be and I’m not sure if it’s something I’d want to do for years and years.”

 

I can’t let her go that easy. We need to get over this. I need to know where we stand. If we still stand. It’s eating me up inside and it’s clearly fucking with her mind as well. “What other drama, Court…”

 

“Trace…” I turn to fully look at her and reach over to take her hands in mine, trying to get her to look back at me. I want to shake her, kiss her, something, something other than this awkward shit we’ve been dealing with all night.

 

But I don’t get the chance. Teddy and Tiny plod up through the front yard and stand before us annoyed and tired.

 

“We didn’t find anything but her neighbor’s sprinkler system.” Tiny glares at me, his jeans look a little wet and I know he’s pissed off about his soaked and grass stained sneakers.

 

“Oh my God…” Courtney says and covers her mouth so she doesn’t laugh.

 

“It’s ok, it’s just a bit of water.” Teddy says laughing in an embarrassed fashion.

 

“I would have paid to see that.”

 

Tiny glares some more. I know he’s not happy about tonight. I know he’s pissed off they didn’t get the guy and I know he’s pissed he wasn’t here to be able to do something about it. He can get kind of protective like that. “Shut up midget…”

 

Courtney nods to the door behind us and says, “I think Megan was making some dinner if you guys wanna go in and grab something.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

They both step in between us and I watch them go back into the house. The door shuts and the outdoor light is flicked on. I turn back and look at her and she’s staring out in front of us into the yard, a concerned look on her face. I can see her face a lot better now in the light and hadn’t really realized until now how dark it had got outside.

 

“Court…”

 

“We should probably-”

 

I shut her off. I interrupt her. I’m fucking tired of this. I can’t stand it anymore. “I’m sorry.”

 

I try to reach over and touch her hand or something and she pulls away from me like I’m disgusting. The sadness and disappointment that’s been in her face all night goes away with that one moment and the bitter woman emerges. She glares right at me, her mouth turned into a tight frown. “Little late, don’t you think?”

 

“I’m an asshole.”

 

“Yes, but that doesn’t really make it better does it?”

 

She’s got me there and I don’t know what to do. It’s quiet again and it feels like forever like we’re just sitting here. I feel like it’s not right after twilight any more, but that it’s right before dawn and we’ve been sitting out here all night just waiting, waiting for one of us to get up and say that whatever we are, whatever we were is over, finished.

 

But it’s really only a few seconds that pass by, and the more they tick away the more insane I start to feel. I’m tired of this. I’m annoyed with this and I can’t stand us fighting like this.

 

“I’m scared, alright?”

 

I suck in a deep breath. That wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to blurt that out. I was supposed to say something charming and cute and get her to smile and be happy.

 

Fuck. I’m a moron.

 

“Scared?”

 

I run my hands over my head and hold onto my neck, staring down at my sneakers. What the hell was I thinking?

 

“I don’t know, I just. I mean care about you, ok?” Shit that wasn’t supposed to come out either. “Like you’re a good friend and I enjoy it when we’re together, but I just don’t know if I can give you what you are asking for.”

 

“And what exactly am I asking for?”

 

I sit up a bit straighter and look at her, “Come on Court…”

 

“I never said I wanted you to be my boyfriend.”

 

I shrug and feel like every word I say is lowering my IQ. A woman hasn’t made me feel this pathetic and dumb in a long, long time. I mean, that’s not really fair ‘cause it’s not really her making me feel that way. I’m bringing this all on myself.

 

“Well you kind of acted like it.” Now I’m pouting. Maybe I really am immature.

 

“How? By thinking you had more balls and would stick up to your friend and tell him that we’re…whatever we are. I don’t expect flowers or anything like that. I don’t expect you to call me up just to talk. But I don’t want you to deny my existence. You act like I’m the one who can’t handle being friends with benefits, like I’m the one who always wants more. All I want is for you not to be ashamed of me and not care so damn much about what your best friend thinks about us.”

 

I suck in a deep breath. I’m worse than I thought I was. Ya know, I think I’m starting to figure this out.

 

Court and I are made for each other. We’re fucking perfect. But it’s just not the right time. It’s just…it’s just bad timing. And it sucks, but that’s life. So we both have to get over it. That’s it, just take it for what it’s worth and then move on. Right.

 

“I’m not ashamed of you.”

 

“Then why couldn’t you just tell him? Why couldn’t you just tell him that yeah, we hang out and it’s nothing serious but we’re friends and that he needs to get over that?”

 

I rub my face roughly with my hands. I really gotta stop trying to rationalize everything. “I…I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t want him lecturing me like he always does.”

 

“Lecturing? That doesn’t sound too friendly.”

 

“Look, Elisha really fucked me over and ever since he’s taken it upon himself to make me all better.”

 

“How nice.”

 

Now she’s getting a chiding tone in her voice. It’s annoying me, this whole situation is, this whole night, the fact that we’ve been like this for the past two days, the fact that I fucked up, that she won’t really tell me what she wants, that…that I don’t know what I want. It’s just too much. I’m not ready for this drama or this commitment. I’m not.

 

“I’m serious Court. I did it for him in the past and I know he feels like he owes me one. I’m a lot stronger than Justin in a lot of ways. I mean, yeah, I was fucked up after she ditched me, but I didn’t get depressed. I was sad and pissed off, but I wasn’t like…mentally fucked up where I wouldn’t leave the house for…for a month or two.”

 

“He did that?”

 

I didn’t think she’d catch on to what I meant, but she did. But still…she has no idea. No one does. He acts like it was a bad time and he got over it and went partying, but I know a different story. I know a story that I’m not even sure he knows. He was fucked up, he was seriously depressed and, and if it lasted much longer I was ready to talk to him about getting professional help. I laugh at myself. Like that would really do anything. Like he would even willingly walk right into a doctor’s office to talk about his problems. “It was bad, that’s all that matters. And…ok so he doesn’t really like you so he’s trying to protect me or something. I don’t know. I guess that’s kind of gay.”

 

“I just…” She sighs, “Wish I knew what it was he thought so bad about me.”

 

I have to wonder why she cares. I mean, I know she really wants people to like her, some mental thing I’m trying to figure out in my mind, but this is Justin. Get over it. She’s always dwelling on it. I wonder if she likes him, like ya know….No. No she can’t stand him. “Nothing, there’s nothing. Justin’s just…he needs someone to blame for his fuck ups.”

 

“Oh and I guess one day I volunteered?”

 

“He volunteered you and it’s not fair and…” I swallow the lump in my throat. “And I’ll talk to him about that.”

 

She rolls her eyes at me. “Like you were gonna talk to him after he came down on me in the limo after the awards?”

 

“What?”

 

“You never did, did you?”

 

I bite my lip. Just great. I keep digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole, a fucking grave. “I meant to.”

 

She crosses her arms over her chest. “You’re a fucking pussy, Trace. You’re so fucking terrified of your best friend. If he really is your best friend, he’s not gonna push you away or hate you for being with me. He might not like it, but if he’s a real friend he should get over it.”

 

“I guess.” I shrug.

 

“Wow, this is making me not really like him at all.”

 

“Look, he’s not a bad guy. He’d…he’d probably do that. I just…I’m a fucking pussy, you’re right.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because….” I shrug. I don’t know what else to tell her, what else I can say to make this better, to make her forgive me and forget Justin. “Because you’re the first girl I’ve been with since Elisha.”

 

“That excuse is starting to run thin.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

It’s quiet again and this time I seriously think about pushing myself up and going inside and forgetting all about Courtney Dawson. I put my hands on either side of me and get ready to stand up, but she stops me by saying, “I don’t want us fighting, Trace. I’ve grown to like you and like being around you. You make me at ease and I really need that and I need your friendship on this tour. I don’t want us fighting, but don’t expect me to just run to you for sex or think you can seduce me easily anymore. It’s not gonna happen again. It can’t.”

 

I don’t know what else to say, so all I say is, “Right.” I’m afraid the more I talk the more trouble I’m gonna get myself into. I guess a part of me is a little disappointed that the whole benefits thing is over, but I know that’s for the best. I know if we can just be friends and get over all this mess it’ll be better for the both of us and for everyone else around us.

 

“And if you deny me or act like you are ashamed of me or that you’re embarrassed to be near me or know me then that’s it. Don’t expect me to even acknowledge you. If you are embarrassed to be near me I can make that really easy for you.”

 

I touch her hand and she doesn’t pull away. “I’m not embarrassed Courtney.”

 

“You sure about that?” Her hand is snatched away again and she crosses her arms over her chest and she bends forward a bit as a stark breeze comes by.

 

“Yeah. I mean, why would I be?” She rolls her eyes but her face looks sad and I scoot closer to her and smile at her. I realize now that with Courtney, maybe the reason she wants people to like her is because she doesn’t have that much self confidence. She always seemed like she had it so put together to me, but now I’m figuring out she’s…she’s hurt, maybe worse than I thought, and I just wish I knew why or what or…or who made her feel like she wasn’t worth anything.

 

Maybe I’m part of it. Maybe I’m just another number on a list of assholes who’s treated her like shit.

 

“You’re hot and you’re smart and sexy.”

 

“I am?” It’s not said in that normal voice. It’s not that compliment thirsty tone a lot of women use.

 

She’s seriously asking me. Shit, she has no idea how incredible she is. And I want to show her. I want her to know that she’s not just something for men to use, that…that I’m not just another number on a list. I’m pathetic. She won’t even give me the chance, she shouldn’t, and if she did she’d be a fool ‘cause I know I’ll just fuck up again.

 

And again.

 

I deserve to be nothing more than a number on a list.

 

Shit, maybe I have self esteem issues, too. This night sucks.

 

“Oh puhlease, girl. Are you serious?” I say, trying to lighten the mood. I nudge her again and she cracks a small smile that makes me feel like I might burst inside. Finally, she seems semi-happy. I let out a deep breath, letting all this negativity out with it. Maybe we’re starting to get at a good place where we aren’t arguing or annoyed every second. “So we can still hang out?”

 

“Just don’t even think about putting the moves on me.”

 

“I won’t. I’ll let all that be your call…” She’s not smiling anymore and I add, “as long as you can restrain yourself around me.”

 

At first I think she’s going to smack me, but she just laughs and covers her face, chuckling into her hand. “You’re pathetic.”

 

I really am. But it’s ok. It’s ok as long as she’s not pissed at me and as long as I got another chance.

 

I don’t know what I’m going to do and I don’t know how I’m gonna balance making her happy, not going too fast and not fucking myself up in the head, but I gotta figure that out. Somehow I will. I have to.

 

“Come on…” I push myself up and hold out my hands to her. She just looks up at me. “Let’s go inside. It’s getting cold out here.” She smiles softly and puts her hands in mine and I know that when I pull her up and open the door for her, hearing Teddy and Tiny laughing, Megan yelling about something animatedly and the TV blaring that things are gonna be ok. I don’t know what we are. I know we’re more than friends and I know I care about her, but I gotta let her dictate this from now on and I gotta control myself.

 

I have to control myself if I want any chance of getting over Elisha and figuring out if what Courtney and I have is just friendship mixed with attraction or something much, much more.

Meredith’s kitchen, 9:45 p.m.

 

I promise I’m not freaking out. I’m ok, really I am. I have to be. Plus, this is just one of the downsides of being a singer. This stuff happens and there’s no point dwelling on it. Just pick up, move on and get over it. It’s not like they hurt anyone. I mean, maybe they got Justin riled up but it’s ok. He’s over it now. I’m over it.

 

The water is way too hot coming from the faucet and I smack the handle down, sigh and look over at Justin. He’s still sitting at the kitchen table. He’s still staring at me. He’s been quiet all night. He hasn’t really talked to me. I guess it’s hard to when someone’s got themselves in their room, in their bed, under the covers. I guess that was kind of a stupid thing to do, immature or something. But I just, I wanted to feel safe and closed off and he was pacing and I told Megan I wanted to be alone so she just started watching TV. But I really didn’t want to be alone. I wanted him with me.

 

I wanted to tell him how much that scared me, but he seemed to be so frustrated and angry. I didn’t want to make him worry any more. Plus it’s stupid for me to be scared. This stuff happens. Crying about it in bed isn’t going to make any difference. I’m supposed to just suck it up and handle it and put on a smile and act like nothing’s bothering me. It shouldn’t bother me. They were just doing their job, right?

 

But it does bother me. I don’t mind it when I’m out doing work, or even when I go shopping. It’s awkward and unsettling sometimes, especially if I’m having a crappy day or know I look like shit. But…but this is different. They aren’t supposed to get this close, they aren’t supposed to be able to get me here. And the fact that Justin got so worked up… I know, I know he did ‘cause I saw him through my bedroom window and I could hear him yelling at the guy and getting in his face. It scared me a little. I thought, I always thought Justin was one of those guys that always kept himself in check, who could always keep his cool and knew how to handle situations. But now I’m finding out that he’s…sometimes he’s like this time bomb and I’m afraid that the slightest thing is going to set him off. I don’t want to set him off.

 

And I wonder if maybe, maybe the fact that I’ve been mean to him lately, ya know putting restrictions on him and teasing him about everything that’s happened between him and Courtney and Courtney and Trace, maybe that’s gotten to him. Maybe I helped fuel all that anger. Maybe he’s just freaked out like I am and instead of running in a bedroom and covering up underneath the sheets and comforter, he gets mad and paces and yells and bites his nails like he’s doing right now.

 

He really needs to stop that.

 

“You wanna help me?” I ask quietly, hearing everyone else bust out in laughter at some movie they are watching in the den. Megan made some pasta casserole thing tonight but I wasn’t really hungry and just had a banana and sat in my room by myself and sorted some laundry that really didn’t need to be sorted yet. I offered to clean up the dishes even though Megan told me she would do it. I just needed something to do. I needed something to occupy my mind.

 

Sure I could just rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher, but…but hand washing takes a lot longer.

 

I turn the water back on, this time to lukewarm. I rinse off one plate and pick up the sponge and look over my shoulder.

 

He’s still just staring at me.

 

“Can’t talk?” I smile at him, turn back around and my smile fades. I look out of the window in front of me and quickly reach up with wet, soapy hands and pull down the blinds. You…you just never know.

 

The plates and cups shift in the sink, making a loud plop noise and sloshing some water around. I jump and try not to let it be noticeable that I just freaked myself out beyond reason. I take a breath and stare down at the murky, sud-filled water. Why the hell am I doing this?

 

“Mere…”

 

I lick my lips and reach down in the water looking for my dropped sponge. The water is hot and burns my arms. I pull up the stopper. They’ve soaked for a while now. I can’t find my sponge, though.

 

“Mere…”

 

“Huh?” There it is. I grab it and pull it out, squeezing it hard and wishing all my insecurities and this shit that’s on my mind would squeeze out, too.

 

I drop the fucking sponge again and smack my hand against the counter, getting it wet. Great, just fucking great. It’s like this night was just set against me. And we were supposed to be celebrating the fact that I went gold in my first week. We were supposed to be drinking and having good food and having a great night and I…I was going to tease Justin and have a good time with him and laugh and make him happy and get him to flirt with me and…and it was going to be perfect, one of the last nights like this before tour. Next week he has a lot of promo and then after that we start touring and I didn’t even get to celebrate anything the way I wanted to. All I wanted was a night out. A simple, fun night out.

 

And it’s ruined. And now I can’t even fucking wash the dishes without problems.

 

I take a deep breath and open my eyes wide, hoping the tears that are threatening will get sucked back in magically or something. It doesn’t work and I raise my arm to blot them against the dry part of my arm before they fall. I’m such a fucking pathetic, little baby. Such a little girl, always crying over random stupid things.

 

“Mere, will you please stop that and come here?” I swallow the lump that’s in my throat and try not to acknowledge the worry in his voice, the concern, the pleading. I look over my shoulder real quickly and, and I find myself staring back at him. I dry my hands quickly and I walk over to him. When he came in here several minutes ago he pulled the chair out from the kitchen table so he could sit in it but wasn’t necessarily underneath the table. He reaches up and takes my hand. “Will you sit?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

I turn to get a chair but he pulls me down into his lap instead and pulls me hard against him, burying his face against my shoulder and kissing the skin there that’s exposed by my strapless shirt. I should have changed back into comfy clothes, but I’m still in my outfit for going out. I took my shoes off though. “That’s better.”

 

“Justin…” It feels like heaven having him hold me. This, this is what I’ve been needing but his knees are poking into the left side of my ass and it’s not really comfortable to sit like this with him leaning a lot of his weight against my torso.

 

He pulls back a bit and stares at me, but there’s not a smile on his face and I’d give anything to see that. His blue eyes are watery and tired. “Let’s just sit like this for a second.”

 

“Your knees are bony.”

 

“Oh…”

 

I smile at him and stand off him again, “Here…” I resituate myself so I’m leaning against him and he’s leaning back against the chair and I’m straddling his lap. I know that’s probably a really bold thing to do but it’s not like it’s sexual. I just, if he wants to hold me, I want him to really hold me and I want to be comfortable and I want to be able to rest against him and feel his body against mine. I wrap my arms around his neck and lean my head against his shoulder. I sigh and feel the muscles in his shoulders relax. I feel him breathe out a deeply against my neck and I feel his lips kiss me there softly. His hands run slowly against my back and I hold him tightly, my feet resting on the rungs underneath the chair, staring at my pruned fingers. This…this is much better.

 

I guess it’s kind of stupid that some stupid photographers can make us so needy of each other. But maybe, maybe it’s more than that. Maybe there’s other stuff going on with him that I don’t know about and…and maybe I’m kind of ignoring how much tonight freaked me out.

 

He slouches a bit and pulls back, looking up at me. “Hey…” I try to smile at him but it doesn’t work. His hand runs through my hair and he holds it there against the side of my head. “Are you ok?”

 

“I’m fine.” I’m not. And I know he knows I’m full of shit.

 

“Dammit Meredith, don’t lie to me about it.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Then why have you been in a zombie state all night?”

 

I can’t look at him and let him know how much tonight has completely fucked up my mind. Plus, it’s not like I’m the only one that was affected here. It’s not like I’m some fragile child. He was the one acting weird, too. And I call him on it. I don’t like it when people fuss over me about this kind of thing. I can deal with problems like this on my own. I don’t want him to try to decipher all my thoughts ‘cause then he’ll realize how much this is getting to me and then he’ll probably think I’m naïve or something. “I’ve just got stuff on my mind. Don’t even talk about it to me, you’re the one that blew up.”

 

“Cause, cause they were saying horrible shit about us, about you. And this...this is supposed to be the one place they can’t get you. This is your home Meredith.”

 

“I fucking know that, ok?” I pull back and slouch, still straddling him but not leaning against him any more. I run my hands through my hair and he pulls his hands and arms behind his head and just stares at me with those crystal, perfect blue eyes and shakes his head.

 

“Please…please don’t do this. Don’t get mad at me. Get mad and angry and upset but don’t do this.”

 

“I’m sorry I just…” I lean back against him like a dead weight. I don’t put my arms around him but he brings his down around my back and holds me there firmly. “I’m fine really.”

 

“No you aren’t. Damn girl…” I feel him kiss my head and then lean to say softly into my ear. “You can let it out on me.”

 

“There’s nothing to let out Justin. Stop pushing me to feel something…”

 

He shuts up and I probably shouldn’t be so moody with him but I just, I can’t handle this right now. I don’t wanna talk and I don’t wanna figure this out. I just want to sit here with him and pretend like I’m ok. This is better, quiet with him is better. Justin sitting here against me is better. I’m ridiculous. I just, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what the fuck to do.

 

I’m probably just overreacting. I mean, so what? It wasn’t like they were murderers or something. It wasn’t like they hit me or threw something at me or anything like that. They just took some footage and some pictures and talked shit. Big deal.

 

But…but this is my house.

 

I put my arms around him and sigh. I want this feeling to go away, this awkward almost embarrassed feeling to go away. I don’t know why it’s there and I don’t know what my problem is. I feel like a mess, not just about tonight but about the past week, about ever since I left him in Tennessee. I was ok in New York without him. I called him all the time and he called me and we had fun playing phone tag and leaving silly messages and stuff, but I still didn’t feel right. And then all that stuff happened at the awards and ever since then, I don’t know. It’s like I’ve been disappointed, not in him, not in our relationship, I guess just I know that something’s off. We bonded so much in Tennessee, we got really close, and it wasn’t just because we had sex, even though that was a big factor. I was with his family and it wasn’t stressful and I didn’t have to be on my toes hoping I didn’t fuck up. It was natural like I belonged there. And ever since its like a week will go by and I feel like we’re getting closer, getting back to how we were, and then something happens, whether it’s his fault or my fault or some random thing like tonight.

 

And I have to wonder how tonight would be different if he wasn’t here, if I was by myself or with Megan. Would I be as freaked out? Probably. I mean, it’s a good thing he was here to handle it, well he didn’t really handle it. I guess it was a good thing Court and Trace were here.

 

He kisses my neck and sighs against me again. His hands are now up my shirt, pressing his fingers into my lower back and making me groan slightly. Maybe that will solve all my problems, a nice long massage.

 

“Whoa sorry…” My head shoots up at the sound and I almost knock my head against Justin’s. It’s just Megan, coming in, covering her eyes and dramatically trying to feel her way to the fridge.

 

I laugh just a bit. I’m so glad she’s here. I hate that she got drug into this tonight, but glad she’s here to figure out a way to get me to smile and forget everything that’s happened. “We’re just sitting. It’s fine. What’s up?”

 

“Nothing, just getting something to drink.” I watch her turn to open the fridge and she pulls out a bottle of water, turns around, letting the door close back on its own. She stares right at me and I can almost predict her words, “You ok?”

 

“Yes, dammit.” It pisses me off. And I’m a horrible friend and a horrible bitch but I glare at her, push myself off of Justin and go back to my dishes in the sink. I pick up the green sponge and start scrubbing furiously, trying to even scrub the fucking print off the plate. “I’m fucking fine,” I mumble to myself, turning the water to ice cold so I can rinse off the plate. That temperature is almost as bad as the hot from before.

 

I hear her say, “Ohh kay…” in a slow voice and walk out of the room.

 

I hate myself and I hate the way I act and that just pisses me off even more.

 

“Mere…”

 

I don’t want him to come over here and tell me that was wrong and that I’m a horrible friend and girlfriend. I just want to be alone. “Leave me alone.”

 

“No way.” His front is soon against my back and he’s putting his arms around me, forcing me to let go of the plate, forcing me to lean back against him. And I don’t mind. The anger fades into worry and then into disappointment and a bit of fear.

 

He holds me while I rinse off my hands, blot them on the towel and then finally I’m able to turn around and burry myself in the front of his chest. He smells so good and looks so good tonight and I just want to live inside of him and block out the world. “They…” I sigh and look up at him. “They weren’t supposed to be able to get to me.”

 

He runs his hand over my head, kisses my forehead and looks down into my eyes, holding onto my neck with one hand. “I know, I know girl. They got to me, too. They knew exactly what to say. It’s like someone had coached them.”

 

“Don’t say that.” I look back down at his chest and press my cheek against it, holding him tightly. “I just. I’m supposed to be able to handle this. I’m supposed to be ok with it and just smile or hide my face or whatever. We should have just gotten in the car and left.”

 

“We probably should have done a lot of things differently. Hell, I know I should have. I was about to beat up the guy because of the shit he was saying about you.” His fingers running through my hair feel good and suddenly it starts to get better. Even though I’m still worried and we’re still talking about it and I’m still a little scared, it starts to not be so bad any more. We’re here and we’re ok and we’re together.

 

“And…and tonight was supposed to be really special. I mean my best friend is here and we were all gonna go out and have a great time and, and I was going to go out with you and I love going out with you. This was my night, our night and it was fucking ruined because, because of those assholes. And it shouldn’t have been. We should have just brushed them aside but, but we didn’t and…”

 

“Shh.” I don’t realize until after he has shushed me that my heart is starting to beat fast and my voice is getting that panicky tone, but I can’t stop because I have more to say, more to tell him.

 

I look up at him and feel myself about to cry when I say, “They scared me really bad.” I pull away a bit and wipe at my eyes. I wish I wasn’t such a baby about everything. “I hate admitting that ‘cause I feel like a child. And I know Courtney doesn’t get it and Teddy is just so happy go lucky with every fucking thing and, and Megan doesn’t understand. I mean she does because of all that Leah shit, but she’s just got a back bone made of metal and nothing can ever bring her down. And I think Trace has got all this other shit on his mind and then there’s you…”

 

His hands cup my face and he bends down and says to me, “It’s not childish, Mere. I get it. I really do and I completely know how you feel. You freak out and you feel pathetic because everyone else is like just forget about it and move on. But we have to live with it every fucking day and it’s like what’s next, ya know?”

 

“I mean, what if they’ve been here before with me and you here and the blinds were open and they saw us and…”

 

“Shh…” He pulls me back into a tight hug. “I don’t even know if they really knew what they were doing. Somehow they got in, but I doubt the security here is gonna let that happen again. And if you don’t feel comfortable we’ll get you a new place or you can stay with me…”

 

I roll my eyes and scoff. “Yeah right…” I know Justin doesn’t want to live with his girlfriend. I know that’s something he’s done before and he thinks its one of the causes of the deterioration of it. I know he thinks that’s something you should save for marriage or when you’re ready to give that kind of commitment. He would never want to live with me. Well, at least not anytime soon.

 

“I’d do anything for you Mere. You know that, right?”

 

It’s not that I don’t doubt him, it’s just…I feel like he’s saying things just to try to make me smile. I know I’m a little more into this relationship than he is, but at the same time I know he loves me and, and I know that his problems with us and how close we are and all of his fears, I...I know deep down that really has very little to do with me. But I don’t want him to lie to me. I don’t know, sometimes it’s weird. Sometimes I feel like we’re so in love and completely untouchable and then other times I feel like I’m having to drag him along like an eight year old who doesn’t want to go shopping.

 

I change the subject quickly because I don’t want him making any more promises that’s he’s not positive to keep. “I’m sorry I’ve been mean to you.”

 

“I’ve deserved it. I really have.”

 

I shrug and pull back a bit to lean against the counter. “It just seems so pathetic and trite now. I mean, we got in a fight. It’s ok though, I’ll get over it and here all this shit happens and I should have just… I don’t know, maybe if I hadn’t been so bitchy to you, you…”

 

He interrupts me. “I would have been just as upset about all this Mere. Stop making this your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

I look away from him and cross my arms. “I just don’t understand how they got into the neighborhood.”

 

“Ok…” He moves and leans beside me on the counter, mirroring my position, even with his arms folded over his chest. “We’re both going to have to chill out and get past this.”

 

“You’re right. I guess Teddy and Tiny did do a search and they’re here and they won’t let anything happen to us.”

 

He nudges me and smiles, “Maybe we should just get drunk and pass out and forget about it.”

 

“Maybe…” I roll my eyes but he’s got this cheesy smile on his face, and it makes me crack a grin myself. I love how he can do that for me. “You just want to get me drunk…”

 

He’s on me faster than I can think, arms around me, lips against my neck, smiling into my skin and whispering, “You’re kinky when you’re drunk.”

 

“Hey!” I smack at his shoulder but then he starts to laugh and tickles my sides, and I squeal at him and smack him some more and before I know it I’m kissing him, arms around his neck, leaning into him and sighing. I pull away and say, “I need this. I needed that. I need to just be with you and forget about all this shit.”

 

He keeps his arms around me. “We shouldn’t just push it away and forget about it, especially if it’s really bothering you.”

 

“You know what I mean. I just don’t want this to ruin any more of our night.”

 

He gives me a half grin, “I know what you mean.”

 

I look into his face and his eyes and I wonder if he knows what I’m trying to say. I want to be with him tonight, in every meaning of the term. I don’t care about fighting or what happened tonight. I need him and I hope he knows that. I lean into him a little more and lick my lips. “Do you?”

 

His mouth opens just for a moment, a little shocked looked that quickly morphs into a bright smile. “Does this mean I’m out of the doghouse?”

 

I kiss him for his answer. I kiss him hard and he moans against me and it makes me feel so good. It’s probably silly that being sexual with him or whatever it is, is the cure for everything with us, but I don’t really think that’s a bad thing. It’s a connection and it’s a deep feeling. I mean, I can’t really vouch for him, but when I get like this, part of it is just this instinct or this sexual attraction, or desire that’s hard to ignore but, but a lot of it is more than that. It’s about being close to him, being in love with him, being silly with him and, and I don’t know. It’s more than just plain old sex.

 

It’s so much more.

 

“I love you.” He breathes out to me when I pull away.

 

I smile at him and kiss him quickly once more. “I love you…”

 

It takes one moment and one look and one small smile and we’ve both forgotten about the dishes, forgotten about the fight and are holding hands, him walking behind me into the den area. There’s that 40 Year Old Virgin movie playing and it’s the only thing that’s providing light in the room. Megan’s sprawled on the floor, Tiny and Teddy are on my big couch, taking up most of the space on it and Courtney and Trace are trying to not look so obvious on the smaller couch. They’re so cute, and it seems that they’ve worked out their problems. I can’t really tell. It’s not like they’re leaning on each other or anything. But I know if they were fighting, Courtney wouldn’t be anywhere near him.

 

I let go of Justin’s hand and go and sit down beside Teddy, hugging him, annoying him and curling up to him. “Hey T…”

 

He ignores me and stuffs some popcorn into his mouth. When the hell did they make popcorn? “You want me to stay tonight?” He asks, not looking away from the screen.

 

I pull back from him and sigh. I know he probably had plans with his girl tonight and I completely ruined them. I’m selfish and I want him to stay here ‘cause I’ll feel better and safer, but I guess it’s not really fair to him. “No, it’s ok. You probably had plans tonight anyway.”

 

He looks at me and smiles, “I’m stayin’.”

 

This is why I love this guy. “Thanks. You really don’t-“

 

“Shut up. I’m trying to watch the movie.”

 

I laugh at him, smack his broad shoulder and get up. No one else is paying attention to me, and Megan hasn’t looked at me which means she’s pissed, which means in the morning I need to play damage control. I know it’ll only take a few minutes and an apology. That’s the thing about Megan, as long as I apologize she’s ok. I’m the same way with her. Sure, we fight, but we don’t let it take over our friendship.

 

Well, I guess she could be asleep on the floor. That girl can sleep anywhere.

 

Justin’s still just standing there against the entranceway to my den from the kitchen and I smile at him and grab his hand again and pull him down the hallway towards my bedroom. It gets dark in the hallway quickly and when we get close to my door I grab him, kiss him and pull away saying, “I kind of want to take a bath.”

 

“Ok…” He nods and pulls my door open for me.

 

He follows me through my bedroom into the bathroom and sits up on my counter while I turn the water on. Once the temperature is right I turn to look at him, letting the tub fill up. He’s still on my counter, reading the back of one of my lotion bottles. I look into the basket I have beside my tub and pull out my favorite bubble bath. It’s this stuff my momma sent me, nothing too fancy but it has the best smell. If I had thought about it I would have lit some of the candles I have in here, but I’m not really concerned with that right now.

 

I grin at him and squeeze some liquid into the running water. “Do you mind girly bubbles?”

 

His eyebrows raise and he stands up off the counter, setting the lotion back where he found it, and coming closer to me, “Does that mean this is a bath for two?”

 

I turn the bottle upside down and close the top, putting it back in the basket and then turning and pulling him against me. “I need to be with you tonight.”

 

I lean in to kiss him, but he says to me before I get the chance, “Are you sure, Mere? Shit happened tonight but that doesn’t mean you have to push back or throw away what I did. I’ve been kind of pathetic and…”

 

“Would you shut up?” I say and smile at him. “I don’t wanna think about it. And maybe I am pushing it away but…but, fuck Justin…” I pull my arms down over his chest and feel his muscle underneath his shirt with my hands. Man, I wanna feel his body next to mine with nothing in between, nothing holding us back. I wanna touch his skin so bad. “Tonight fucked with my head. That’s not supposed to happen. I’m supposed to just deal with it but I can’t right now. And I don’t want to think about what’s happened this past week or anything. And…and I need to be with you ‘cause, ‘cause you’re something solid in my life and it’ll…it’ll make me feel right again.”

 

He puts his arms around me and grabs onto my ass, pulling me flush against him. “You make me feel right.”

 

We kiss and its slow and warm and he lets our tongues play passionately, attacking me almost. But I like it. I pull away and work on the buttons of his shirt. He needs to start wearing shirts with snaps, or without buttons or something. “It’s been too long…” I say in a rushed tone. “What the hell was I thinking keeping myself from you? We just started, we just started having sex and then I take it away from us. And it was so good Justin. It was really good.”

 

He pulls his shirt off the rest of the way and I tug mine over my head and throw it towards the door. “Especially in the shower.” He winks at me.

 

Shit, thinking about when he did me in the shower with the water and his hands all over me and his hips thrusting so damn slow… fuck. He’s evil. “Oh my god…lets get in or we’ll never make it.”

 

He laughs at me and we finish undressing ourselves quickly and quietly. My hair is pulled back tightly on top of my head and I only stop my frantic movements when my clothes are gone and the water needs to be shut off. We end up staring at each other like teenagers seeing their boyfriend or girlfriend naked for the first time. I can see him look me up and down, licking his lips and, and he’s already hard and his body looks so good naked, so tight and sculpted. I force myself to break my stare or I know we’ll never get in the bath and end up making love on the floor. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I hate wasting all that water.

 

I get in first and the water is scalding but once I completely sit down it seems to be ok. I sit up and slide close to the faucet so he can get in. Soon I feel arms around me, pulling me back and my body completely relaxes against his warm, wet skin. His body is solid behind me and his arms around me and even his legs on either side of me make me feel so safe and enclosed. Not in a prison or anything like that, but in a safe little comfort zone, a fortress. I giggle, I guess the bath would be the moat.

 

I think I filled the moat a little too full, because the bubbles and water are threatening to spill over. I’m not use to baths for two, but I think I’m going to fall in love with the concept.

 

“I use to love taking baths when I was a kid.”

 

“You did? I didn’t.” I say with a smile. I can feel his chest move with laughter behind me. “I couldn’t stand it. My mom would have to force me into the tub and then when I got old enough for showers she’d time me so I couldn’t cheat and get out without really scrubbing down.”

 

“I can’t picture you as a tomboy.”

 

“Oh I wasn’t. I’m horrible at sports and you’ve seen me with bugs and spiders. I just…” I turn my head and stick my tongue out at him. “I was lazy. Then I got into middle school and discovered makeup was just like coloring but with a face instead of a sheet of paper. And boys liked girls who smelled pretty. That’s also when all of my friends discovered a store called the Bath and Body Works. You could smell the Freesia on me from miles away.”

 

“Oh lord…” I smile and stretch my arms over my head and around the back of his neck. His hands come up out of the water, filled with suds and he grabs my breasts and starts to massage them. “Mmm, soapy boobies.”

 

I laugh but he doesn’t pull his hands away. “Why do you have to call them that? They’re breasts, Justin.”

 

“I’m immature, still stuck in middle school. Still trying to get some hot girl that smells like Freesia.” I get a wet kiss placed on my neck. “I thought you knew this.”

 

I wiggle against him just a little bit so I can brush against his erection in a playful manner. I turn and grin up at him. “Just don’t do anything prematurely in the tub.”

 

He moves his hands down to pinch my sides but it doesn’t hurt. “Hey…”

 

“Teasing…”

 

He pulls me more against him, this time pushing himself into me so I can feel how much he wants me. That makes me feel good, to know, to feel that he wants me. “You’re always teasing. Have you always been this way?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I bet you were a tease in school.”

 

“Not really, I was dating someone most of my high school life and in college. And in middle school most of us drooled after high school boys who wouldn’t give us the light of day.” It’s probably silly and I know I look weird, but I decide to turn around and lay against him so that I can see him and so our fronts can be pushed together. He laughs a little bit as water sloshes everywhere, but before long I’m situated with him a little slouched down so the water’s level with his chest and we’re kissing and I can tell he likes it. I can feel that he likes it.

 

“You look really beautiful tonight.” He says softly. “Especially now, with me. I know that’s a weird thing to say, but you just…I don’t know. I guess sometimes I just look at you and get amazed.”

 

I smile at him but then it fades, ‘cause I realize that I haven’t seen that soft look in his eyes and that genuine smile both together in that manner in so long. Some form of doubt enters my mind and, and before I know it I blurt it out. “Will you tell me the truth…” His eyebrows rise a bit. It’s too late now, I have to ask. I’ve been able to infer it from some of the shit Courtney’s said and Megan came right out and told me earlier today what she thinks and now, now I have to know myself. Honesty is a big thing for me in relationships and I can’t just hide that part of me now. “You don’t really want to tour with me, do you?”

 

“What?” He sits up a bit, forcing me to do the same or fall down into the water. I sit in front of him balled up with my knees at my chest. “Of course I do. I just…”

 

“I’m not gonna break up with you on tour. Unless you do something that’s really horrible. Even if we get in the world’s biggest fight, I still wanna try and I still wanna work it out if we can, before, during, or after the tour.”

 

He lets out a deep breath and scratches his head for a second. “I’m getting really stressed out Mere. Work messes me up. I love it, but promo wears me out like nothing else, more so than touring, and I’ll go ahead and warn you I’m not gonna be fun this next week. I promise I wont take anything out on you, but I’m just not gonna be the normal, relaxed, calm guy. I guess I haven’t been him for a few weeks now. I just don’t sleep well during promotion, I get this temper and attitude. I shouldn’t even say this. It’s not an excuse for being an ass, I just. Sometimes I can turn into this bad version of myself and, and I’m really going to try to stop that and be more conscious of it. And I’m, I’m really anxious about this album. I thought it’d be easier the second time, but it’s not. And now, now with you…I’ve just never done this before. I’ve never gone on tour with a girl I’m with. I mean like, when I was with Britney I’d go visit her but it wasn’t like we were touring together. This is work, Mere. We’re working together, we’re gonna be onstage together. This is what like…” He chews on his lip and darts his eyes away. “Like what married couples do.”

 

Oh.

 

Oh ok, now I think I get it.

 

I lick my lips and grab one of his hands, thinking over my words carefully. His fingers are starting to prune, and mine already look disgusting from the bath water and the dish water. “It…it just kind of makes sense to me. I mean, that’s how we started out, right? That’s how we met, working. And we do work really well together.” I look up at his eyes which are now looking directly at me. “And I totally will respect it and understand if there are days when you just wanna be by yourself. I’ll hide away in my bus and let you be and just perform with you that night and then leave you alone some more.”

 

“Please girl, you really think I’m gonna let you hide on your bus?”

 

“Well, we’ll each have our own.”

 

“So?” He reaches out and pulls me to him, kissing me thoroughly for a moment while I try to unravel my legs and get comfortable. “You know we’ll be shacking up together every damn night.”

 

He’s smiling at me and I smile back. God, he knows what to do to make me feel good. “It’s ‘cause you’re too horny for your own good.”

 

“Maybe, but maybe you like it.” He smiles at me. I squeal when I feel his hands in between my legs and he laughs at me and water goes everywhere and I don’t care and we end up kissing again and again. I wind up back like we started with my back against his front, but my head is tilted so I can kiss him and his hand… His hand is between my legs and it’s slow and nothing much more than a light touch, but it makes me sigh and makes this ache I have for him multiply within seconds.

 

“This…” I sigh and let my legs open more. Dear God it’s been too long. “This is what I need. Just you and me and nothing else.”

 

I look up at him and he pulls his hand away for a moment, relaxes it on my thigh and stares right at me. “I’m not worried about the tour, Mere. Maybe I was and I have a tendency to freak myself out easily and I do have some concerns about it. But I think if we can do this and make it through we’ll…we’ll be stronger in the end.”

 

That’s exactly how I feel.

 

“This is special, really special to me and I don’t wanna pressure you or anything like that, but…but I want you to know that this...this is really different for me. I’ve only been serious with two guys before, but…but this is still very different than that.” I smile, turn a little so I can put my arms around him and kiss him briefly. “You’re everything I want and need just wrapped up in this package called Justin Timberlake.”

 

He smiles back at me. “You’re sweet and you’re way too good for me. Too good to me.”

 

“Maybe I am…but is that a bad thing?”

 

He starts to stare at me. He does this sometimes and while at first it sort of freaked me out the more our relationship progresses the more I’m starting to get use to it and even like it. Soon a wet hand comes up to my cheek, but I don’t mind because his blue eyes are staring right into my own. “One day, one day I’m going to really show you how much you mean to me.”

 

“Justin…” I sigh, pull myself against him and bury my face into his strong neck. “You don’t have to show me or tell me, somehow I just know. I know.”

 

He always worries about it. I know he thinks he doesn’t show me how much I mean to him or he feels I’m more into this relationship than he is, and, and maybe I am on certain levels. But I know him, and I’ve discovered that it really is hard for him to be back in a relationship like this. And, and maybe I do push sometimes for something stronger than he wants to give.

 

But the funny thing is, he does give that to me in his own Justin way. He might not buy me things all the time and he might be closed off a lot and act like he’s not ready for this or for that, but I know him. I know the front he puts on. And I know that when I’m with him like I am now, when he looks at me from across the room like he did last night at my album party, when he gets protective over me like he did tonight, or when he puts up with my best friend’s psycho interrogation and doesn’t complain to me about it, I know that he’s putting a lot of effort into this, into me. It might not be special and it might not be deliberate, but I know.

 

I kiss his neck, feeling his hands down my back, wanting them all over me and knowing in a few minutes or so they will be and that we’ll be together and connected and everything will be made right and perfect again. And I know we’re gonna be ok and I know we’re gonna make it and somehow, somewhere deep within me I know how much I mean to him.

Chapter 26

 

Room 34B: Staples Center, 4:02 p.m.

 

It’s only been the first day and I’m already bored out of my mind. Well, I guess bored is the wrong word. Frustrated is more like it. Not frustrated with the work or the schedule, but with her attitude. It’s not really fair to her, because I’m supposed to be supportive and sit here and tell her everything is going to be ok and encourage her and keep her calm, but after two hours of trying to do that and failing, I’ve given up. And this book I’m reading is starting to really get on my nerves. The main female character is whiny and needy. At least this chair is comfortable.

 

Meredith’s laying back on the couch across from me, staring at the ceiling with her hands clasped tightly over her stomach so she won’t bring them to her mouth to bite at her nails. The table in front of her is a small, wooden coffee table, littered with a bottle of water, a container of gourmet nachos she requested earlier and hasn’t touched, lip balm, a bottle of lotion, a Cosmo and an In Style.

 

We arrived at the arena mid-morning. The day before she spent the morning in rehearsals and the afternoon I packed pretty much everything for her while she said goodbye to Megan by taking her out to eat. Meredith had almost convinced her to stay but I told her to go. She’s starting an internship tomorrow and there will be plenty more opportunities for her to see her best friend on stage. I told her Meredith would understand and that she needed to think about herself and her career. I guess I shouldn’t have. I guess I work for Meredith and not Megan, but Meredith’s behavior lately has sort of put me off. I understand that she’s nervous as hell to start touring, but she’s been out of her mind, clingy, needy, whiny, a lot like this chick in this novel. She wants to be independent and I know she’s a great performer and loves to be on stage, but she’s acting like a child.

 

It didn’t help matters that Justin has been out of town all week. He arrived yesterday morning and they did rehearsals from the early morning until early afternoon. Neither of them were in a good mood and you could tell they weren’t getting along with each other. I was thankful Trace sat with me in the stands for much of the rehearsal. I know he didn’t have to, I know he had better things to do, but Meredith had begged me to watch her and tell her if anything looked off.

 

Nothing did, it was all perfect, and plus, I was much too busy having a conversation about Italian restaurants in New York with Trace to notice anything nick-picky. I almost lost my voice because I had to talk so loud over the music.

 

I haven’t asked her what the matter is yet because I know I’ll only get the response that she’s nervous, even when I know it’s more than that, and she knows I know that. So I’ve just kept her company, quietly sitting here, happy that I finished most of all the work I have to do today. The past week has been hectic and even though I’ve been sitting down much of the past few days watching her rehearsals, it’s just now that I’m realizing how good it feels to really sit down and actually relax. This room helps, too. I’m amazed by the way this room looks and how much effort the tour company put into her private dressing room and how much they understood her when she requested for a peaceful beach theme. Of course there are things like a clothing rack and make up and a mirror, but there are tropical looking plants and drapes across the walls in a light blue and lavender color that match the scented vanilla and lavender candles. It’s very serene and looks more like it should be part of a beach house than a random room in the underbelly of a huge stadium.

 

I close my book and move to set it on the table in between us. I steal a nacho while I’m at it. She hasn’t touched the damned things and it kind of pisses me off. She was flipping out about them earlier, telling me that whoever went to get them should be fired for taking so long. I didn’t tell her that it was one of her dancers, Abbie, who had been stuck in traffic on her way to get all of us lunch.

 

She’s biting on her thumb. This isn’t a good sign.

 

I lean back and stare at her for a moment before asking, “You need anything?”

 

She gulps and continues to stare at the ceiling. “Yes.”

 

“Mere…” I sigh. “What?”

 

“For time to speed up.” Her hands move to cover her face and she leaves them there.

 

“I’ve told you this a bazillion times. You are gonna do fantastic tonight.”

 

“Right.”

 

“Have you called your parents back, yet?”

 

“No.” She’s still talking through her hands, the sleeves of her oversized long-sleeved t-shirt cover much of her hands that are covering her face. She’s drowning in her clothes and if I knew she wasn’t just going for relaxation and comfort, and if she wasn’t wearing her gym-shorts rolled at the waist, I would really think something was wrong. She looks like she’s wearing pajamas.

 

“Mere….”

 

She pulls her hands away from her face and flips up on her side and stares right at me, passing me the most pathetic look I’ve seen in a long, long time. “It’s just, no one’s here. Justin’s whole fucking family flew out and here I am all alone.”

 

She’s such a bull shitter.

 

I smile at her. “His mom and dad flew out, not his whole family, Mere. And you know your parents would be here if they could and Megan is going to come to several of the shows later on. We actually went over the tickets she wanted the other day and I got that all lined up for her. And you and Justin both have a lot of friends who are gonna come tonight and be at the after party. Why are you so depressed? You should be excited.”

 

“Shit Court, I don’t know. I think my brain is going to explode.” She sighs, sits up and leans forward on the edge of the couch, picking at the open container of nachos, moving them around a bit but not eating them. She’s gonna pass out if she doesn’t eat anything before the show, but I won’t worry her with that right now. Hopefully, once her boyfriend shows up he can take over this sad little display of a pity party she’s throwing herself.

 

And it’s ridiculous and it’s only been lately that she’s been this way. Sure that first week we were together in New York she was a pain in the ass, but she stopped after a while. She tried to get to know me and she was always telling me what good friends we were and she seemed to have fun with me. And I’ll admit I was having fun with her. But the past week or so, God, she’s just been a nightmare. And as much as I don’t want to pry and as much as I want to try and keep this relationship on a strictly business and professional level, I can’t help but care about her a little bit. My elbow’s resting on the arm of the chair and I lean my cheek on my fist and stare at her. “What’s going on with you lately?”

 

She runs her hands over her head and pulls her hair into a messy bun before leaning back on the couch in a horribly slouched position. She stares at the coffee table and mumbles, “What if we do break up?”

 

“Oh my God, are you serious?”

 

Her eyes meet mine and I try not to laugh at her. If this is what’s bothering her, she really needs to get her head checked. She should have thought about this a long time ago. The day of her first night on tour is a little too late. “It’s a legitimate concern.”

 

“So, I spend all last week reassuring you that Justin’s happy to be on tour with you and now you’re not happy to be on tour with him?”

 

She stands up and immediately starts to pace the room. “I never said that!”

 

I want to laugh at her, but I know that’ll make her stomp out of here and slam the door. I don’t know. Maybe I am a bitch. I care about Meredith, and she’s a good girl. But she’s acting like a ten year old right now. At times I get mad at myself for calling her immature and then something like this will happen and I just realize that this girl needs to really grow up. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s something more important underneath the surface that she doesn’t want to tell me about.

 

“If you keep acting like this and if you don’t calm down you’re gonna ruin your night tonight. You need to relax, maybe take a nap, go for a quick run, something or your gonna freak. And you guys gotta get on the road right after that party tonight.”

 

“Ughhh, I don’t wanna go.”

 

“Mere…” I groan. I feel like I’m babysitting. “Everyone will be there. It’ll be fun…” There’s a knock at the door and I push myself up and point to her where she’s now sitting up against her makeup counter. “I’ll get it, you just relax.”

 

I walk to the door and open it, hoping its not some random Make-A-Wish kid or one of the venue officials. As soon as we got here this morning I felt like it wouldn’t end, people kept coming to the door. I think it annoyed me more than her. It was the first time I really saw her with her fans. I mean, I’ve seen her sign autographs and stuff but that was always on her private time, or when she was on business at an interview or something. She’s different with these contest winners and stuff. She really tries to be interested in them. I was kind of proud of her. With the venue people, too. Most of the time she’s in her own world, not mean or a diva and bitching at everyone, but kind of aloof to all the people doing things for her.

 

So far, she’s been very appreciative to the crew and everything.

 

I open the door and I’m met with the biggest bouquet of flowers I’ve ever seen. There are roses in all sorts of colors and daisies and lilies and all sorts of things that I don’t even know the name of. The bouquet shakes a bit, laughs and says to me, “Sup P.B.”

 

It’s kind of amazing that the bouquet is big enough to hide most of Teddy’s upper body, but he pulls the flowers down and passes me a toothy grin. I’m not going to comment on the P.B. nickname. I know it stands for Pole Butt. He’s such a smart ass, but I’d rather have Teddy teasing me than really being mean to me. I sigh and say to him in a low voice, “She’s flipping out in here. Those for her?”

 

“Yup, got another present coming in a minute.” He winks and I roll my eyes and pull the door back and move out of the way so he can come in. He enters and I pull the door shut behind me. Meredith is staring at Teddy with a shocked look on her face and a tiny smile. He sets the flowers beside her and ruffles her hair, completely making her head a static mess. “Hey M.C.”

 

She doesn’t move and just stares at him. “Tell me you didn’t get me flowers.”

 

He crosses his arms over his chest and I laugh at them. They are quite amusing most of the time. The perfect odd couple: a gigantic black man from Detroit and the teeniest white girl from a small town in Georgia. Somehow they get along and somehow you can just tell when they are around each other that there’s this respect and this, I guess, love for each other. “And what if I did? Is that hard to believe?”

 

Her stare breaks and she shrugs with a laugh, “Kind of.”

 

I go and sit down again and just watch them. They really are entertaining. “No, they are a special delivery.”

 

“From?”

 

He scoffs and rolls his eyes before shuffling towards the door. “Read the note. I gotta go play ping-pong with some of the guys.”

 

She scoffs back and crosses her arms over her chest. “You are supposed to be protecting me!”

 

“Eh, protect yourself.” He waves her off and exits the room, but before closing the door all the way he yells, “I’m two doors down.”

 

The door closes, she hops off the counter and stares at me while fixing her hair. “Did you know about this?”

 

“I’m clueless.” She’s looking at the flowers, smelling them and pulling the little card out of its holder when the door opens quietly and Justin sneaks in. I roll my eyes and pick up my book. Here we go. “They are pretty, though.”

 

“Oh my god…” I hear her say and glance to see Justin right behind her smiling like he won the lottery. I guess that’s a bad metaphor in his case. She’s still unaware of him and reading from the card and laughing. “What a fucking cheese ball! It says from you’re secret admirer.”

 

“What? You don’t like?” Justin says to her.

 

She squeals for a moment and turns around and hugs him and this time I really do go back to my book, trying to drown out her giggles and the sound of them kissing and being all affectionate with each other. “I love them! Thank God you’re here.”

 

I don’t look up, but since he’s here now, I guess I should pass the torch onto him to play comforter to Meredith, “She’s been a wreck, just fyi.”

 

“Court, shut up.”

 

I glance at her again and he’s holding her, kissing her neck, ignoring the fact that I’m here. She’s peeking over his shoulder trying to narrow her eyes at me, but there’s too big of a smile on her face. “I’m just giving him a heads up.”

 

I almost wonder if her whole bad mood this past week and today was because her time with Justin has been cut short. He’s been away a lot of the week doing interviews and promotion, but every time he’s been around she’s seemed happier. I really hope they don’t break up.

 

I can almost imagine it in my head, messy and hurtful. Lots of crying, maybe some broken glass, lots and lots of snotty tissues.

 

Ugh.

 

I read a page of my book and the heroine actually gets some guts to tell her sister what a bitch she is. I flip the page and then realize that it’s silent in the room. My eyes open wide when I hear a small “mmm” and the sound of fabric moving. I stare at the printed text of the book. Oh God, maybe I should quietly leave and not look back at the counter.

 

I shut my book and start to move but then Justin plops down on the couch in front of me and leans forward looking at the nachos which are probably soggy and disgusting now. “Who’s food?”

 

Meredith sits beside him on the couch, curled up, rubbing a hand over her shoulder. The baseball hat he was wearing is now on her head and she’s just staring at him while he stares at the food. “Mine.”

 

He glances at her with a smile then says in a funny voice that makes her laugh, “I’ll take some of ‘dem nachos.”

 

He eats for a moment and I pull my book back into my lap. I need to get another book or something that’ll keep my interest away from these two. I get another paragraph read, content with just hearing Justin crunch on tortilla chips, open Meredith’s bottle of Sprite that’s been sitting there for an hour and then burp loudly. It’s kind of sad when I’ve become content with hearing Justin Timberlake burp.

 

Then I hear a high pitched whine, “Justin, I’m nervous….”

 

I glance up. Oh God, I need a way out of here. Fast.

 

“Baby….” He says in the same whiney tone as her and leans back and pulls her legs over his lap. His hand lands on the highest part of her outer thigh, running up and down a little bit, making sure to go up under her tiny gym shorts. He kisses her, “I’m nervous, too. Let’s try not to think about it….” He smiles and then she smiles.

 

Fuck, I gotta get out of here.

 

I close my book and think about where I can go, ‘cause I know if I just get up without saying anything Meredith will ask me where I’m going and tell me that I don’t have to go and it’ll be awkward. Maybe I can say that I need to get something out of the bus, or that I need to make a private phone call or that…

 

“Court…”

 

I look up at the door and Trace is leaning in. Thank the dear lord Jesus.

 

It’s like he read my mind. I smile at Meredith. “I’ll be back.” She doesn’t look at me. Justin says something quietly into her ear and she bursts out laughing.

 

Leave everything behind Court. No need for your book or your purse. There’s no time. Just get the hell out of this love nest before babies start falling out onto the floor.

 

I almost run to the door. I step out into the hallway and shut it behind me and sigh. One of these days I think they’re just going to go for it right in front of me. I really think they don’t care. “Thank God,” I say with a laugh. “I thought they were going to ask me to video tape them having sex or something.”

 

He doesn’t laugh, but instead looks down at his feet, back at me, and suddenly his hands that were behind his back are in front of him, holding a small vase with two daises in them. “Here…”

 

I stare at the flowers and then at him. He’s blushing. He’s actually blushing just a little bit and I can’t remember the last time someone gave me flowers. I don’t count Justin’s funeral bouquet—excuse me, I mean the, “I’m sorry for yelling at you” bouquet that Mere made him get me—as really giving me flowers. That was forced. “What the hell is this?”

 

Shit. I didn’t really mean for it to come out that way, but I can’t help it. I’m wondering what the catch is.

 

“Nothing romantic, just because I know you’re stressed, too,” he rushes to say. “And I know how they can get and act like it’s all about them.” He nods over to Meredith’s closed door and I can’t help but just stare at him. Is he serious? He looks back at me for a moment, sets the flowers on the small folding table beside Meredith’s door and shrugs. “Ok, ok. I stole them from Justin’s bouquet, but they'll never know.”

 

As much as I love the fact that he thought about me enough to put two little daisies in their own cheap plastic vase, something tells me to back off. It’s random and it doesn’t make sense. We’ve both been busy and I haven’t seen him all that much lately. Sure we got to sit and watch them rehearse yesterday, but other than that, he’s been with Justin in New York promoting his single and I’ve been here with Meredith. It just doesn’t make sense. We haven’t really moved on or past the whole being just friends thing. I mean, it’s weird really. We fought because he assumed I wanted a real relationship with him, when he wasn’t ready. Which is a crock of shit.

 

I mean, sure I’d like to have a boyfriend. Sure I get jealous and need to flee the room whenever Meredith and Justin are together. It’s just hard, cause yeah, it makes you realize how alone you are. But I’m ok. I’m not crying my eyes out and I don’t want a man who’s so unsure of himself and unsure of what he wants that he can’t even understand me. He claims I’m the one pushing him into something more than he can give. Well he’s the one who comes after me. And he’s the one who’s giving me flowers.

 

And he’s the one who every conversation we have, he throws some flirty sexual remark, even when he’s trying really hard not to.

 

I eye him suspiciously. He comes up beside me and suddenly we’re walking down the hallway, past Teddy’s noisy game of ping-pong in the game room, past the room labeled as Justin’s, past the small dining room that looks more like a cafeteria and towards the entrance to the inside of the arena. He doesn’t say a word and that proves it to me. He’s up to something.

 

“When was the last time you gave somebody flowers?”

 

“My momma for her birthday a few months ago.” He turns to me and stops right in front of the double doors that have been locked into an open position where roadies are going in and out of it. “It doesn’t mean anything, I just thought you'd like to have a little something to yourself to put wherever you want it.”

 

I only nod and he continues out into the arena back behind where the band will be set up near this insanely large curtain. I have no idea why we are here. I guess this is where we won’t be bothered. People are too busy working to stop us and try to have a conversation with me or especially Trace, since he seems to know everyone and everything that’s associated with this place and this tour. There’s even parts of Meredith’s crew and team that I don’t know that he does. But since we’re here and he’s sitting down on the elevated black platform that the drum kit is on, and there are no distractions, I know that Trace is up to something.

 

He pats the space beside him and I sit down cautiously.

 

We don’t speak and just sit listening the yells of roadies and some microphone checks. Everything is set up for tonight, at least I thought, but there are still people running around with wires and boxes. Finally, I hear him sigh and I look over and he’s rubbing his forehead, “I gotta ask you something and I don’t want to offend you.”

 

Great.

 

I knew it. “Um…okay.”

 

“Well, I don’t know if Mere talked to you about this, but she called me this morning and she really wants to ya know, have some alone time with Justin tonight on the ride to Vegas.”

 

“She doesn’t have to get permission from me to spend time with her boyfriend, Trace.”

 

He sighs again and stares at me. “She wants to fuck him, Courtney.” I laugh loudly and cover my mouth with my hand. I really wasn’t expecting that and I really don’t know what the hell that has to do with me. Maybe I was right. Maybe they do want me to video tape them.

 

I’ve spent too much time with this crowd. I’m turning into a pervert. I use to never laugh at sexual jokes. I use to never say them to myself. This can’t be good.

 

He continues, “So, I need a bus to ride on.”

 

Oh. The humor immediately leaves and I start to realize that by ‘alone’, Meredith really means alone.

 

But I still don’t know what this has to do with me, especially since she’s riding on Justin’s bus tonight. He’s giving me this look. This sad, pathetic little look. Yeah, I see what he’s up to.

 

And the flowers and the look, none of it is gonna work.

 

I roll my eyes at him and he sighs, “I guess I can just ask Marty and the guys if I can ride with them.”

 

“You’re really good at that guilty thing.”

 

He bites his lip. Clearly he took the sarcasm of my previous statement as encouragement. “I just thought we could watch a movie together or something.”

 

I nod. “And I thought you were supposed to stop hitting on me.”

 

He shrugs, but looks the other way. “I’m not hitting on you.”

 

“Then what would you call it?”

 

His hand smacks the box we are sitting on and he whips his head around and says bitingly. “You know what? It’s ok. I just wanted to hang out, but I can see you’re already making it complicated.”

 

I scoff at him. He’s being ridiculous. Sure I’d like to spend some time with him, but I know if we get on a bus together with a huge bed tempting us in the back of it and a nice big screen TV, opposed to tiny cramped bunks, well I’m not sure what would happen. And I’m trying to keep us at the friend level so then once we deal with that we can figure out if the level above that is good for us. I like Trace. I think that’s pretty obvious. But I just can’t do this bull shit anymore. I gotta set some boundaries for us, since clearly he doesn’t know how to give himself any.

 

“Well I highly doubt Meredith would want either of us sleeping in her custom made bed with her specialty pillows and linen sprays. And it’s gonna be a little awkward with just me and you hanging out in bunk beds while George drives us around. It’ll just be weird, sorry.”

 

He opens his mouth to say something but I hear above and behind me. “What the hell are you two doing?”

 

The box we’re on has a metal railing a few feet behind where we are sitting to protect the drummers. Justin’s leaning against that railing disguising his desire to throw me dirty looks with looking curiously at Trace.

 

“Aren’t you supposed to be relaxing and keeping calm with your woman?”

 

“Angie called and she got all pacing and distracted.” His eyes dart to mine and I stare him back. I’m not afraid of Justin, and I’m really getting tired of his death glares.

 

He doesn’t break it and I know he’s silently telling me to get the fuck away. I might not be afraid of Justin, but at the same time, I really don’t want to argue with him. I look at Trace and he’s looking in between us like we have some secret he’s not in on. I realize I should probably go see what Angie wanted from Meredith. Plus, this is a great way to escape any more bus ride begging. ‘Cause I’m afraid my resolve might break if he keeps lathering on that desperate look. “Yeah….I’m just gonna go.”

 

I stand up and feel a hand on my arm near my elbow. I look down. “No, why are you going?” he says softly. “You didn’t do anything.”

 

I say softly back to him, “I’m not wanted here.”

 

He stares at me hard, then stands up and looks up at Justin who’s sitting on the drum stool, letting it slowly turn him in a circle while he twirls a drumstick in his fingers. Trace crosses his arms and says in a voice that I’m surprised of and actually a little happy to hear. “Me and Courtney have to sort out a couple of things Jay.”

 

His back is to us as the chair keeps turning but now it starts to really slow down. Ha. Spinning in a swivel chair. What a five year old. “Huh?”

 

But I don’t want him doing this. While I’m happy Trace is sort of sticking up for me to Justin, I want to leave. I want this conversation to end. I don’t want him on my bus tonight. “Sort out? There’s nothing to sort out Trace. And I get really uncomfortable when he comes around and treats me like shit for no reason. So I’m just gonna leave.”

 

The chair stops. Justin puts down the drum sticks and bends down in between the metal railing to step down to where we are. He looks like someone getting into a boxing ring. “Whoa. Hold up. I didn’t do a damn thing.” If looks could kill I’d be dead a long, long time ago, already in the ground, tombstone and all.

 

Well, here we go.

 

I’m tired of the death stares, so if he wants to start this up, ya know, I think I just might be up for the challenge. “I’ll tell you what you did. You think my friendship with Trace is some kind of crime!”'

 

He laughs this cocky laugh that makes me hate him even more. I know why Meredith likes him but good God I wish she weren’t dating him so I could really hurt this man. He shrugs. “No, not a crime. I just don’t think you’re the sort of girl he’s into. And I’ve known him for a long, long time.” He laughs again. “I mean let’s be honest. He likes sweet, nice, laid back girls. And you’re kind of stuck up, Courtney. And selfish.”

 

I take it back. I don’t know what the fuck she sees in him.

 

I laugh bitterly and love how Trace is just standing back, watching all this. “Oh I’m selfish? Explain that to me. I’d love to hear your theory.”

 

“Well, for starters you are so fucking jealous of me and Mere that you’ll do anything to keep her to yourself and push me out of the way just so you don’t have to think about the fact that you’re all alone and she has someone. It’s kind of lesbianish the way you hog her all the time.” He hits Trace in the chest lightly with the back of his hand. “Tell her. Tell her what you said the other night.”

 

Oh, hell no.

 

I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow at Trace. “Excuse me?”

 

Trace is staring at Justin wide-eyed. “Ya know, Trace. What you said about her being desperate for attention.”

 

He looks at me and in a panicked voice says, “I didn’t mean it like that!”

 

“Oh really? Then how the fuck did you mean it, Trace?” He looks down at the floor and I take a step towards both of them. “‘Cause, ya know, clearly I’m the one who goes around here flaunting myself to everyone and flirting with every guy I see, ‘cause I’m so fucking desperate.”

 

Justin nods at me. “Yeah, maybe you should just do yourself a favor and find a different line of work.”

 

I can’t fucking believe this right now. Justin’s staring me straight in the eye and Trace is still looking at the floor. I shake my head. I don’t know why I expected more out of him.

 

“Typical,” I mutter and leave. I can’t handle this. I pivot around and march straight for the doors we came in. I see Meredith strolling out with her Sprite in hand, her shirt sleeves pushed up to her elbows. She slightly waves at me but drops her hand and watches me as I ignore her and try to storm past her.

 

I don’t get anywhere though. Her arm shoots out and locks onto mine and she tugs me in close to her. “What’s the matter?”

 

I shake my head and pull away. “I just need some fresh air.”

 

She looks at me and then looks out to the back side of the stage and then back at me. “Hell no. You’re coming with me.”

 

She grabs my arm, roughly. It almost hurts and I feel immediately like I need to break from her and run. But I know I can’t. I know if I do she’ll just chase me down and order Teddy to put me in a head lock. Shit, I don’t want her getting into this and taking Justin’s side. She still holds my upper arm when we approach Justin, who’s laughing and patting Trace’s back. Trace is still looking at the floor. Meredith just stares at them for a moment until they notice us. Then she lets go of me and waves her arms around.

 

“What the fuck did you do?” She stares straight at Trace. His mouth opens and then shuts. She turns to Justin and points to him. “And what the fuck did YOU do?”

 

He puts his hands up in defense. What a fucking loser. He was the one who started this shit. “Baby, I didn’t do a thing. Don’t get mad at me!”

 

She crosses her arms over her chest, taps her foot and looks around at all of us like she’s our mother and we got caught trying to sneak in past curfew. In a way, I sort of feel like she is my mother right now. “Someone needs to tell me what’s going on here!”

 

I shake my head. I don’t want her being my mother. When Meredith starts mothering me I know something is wrong. “It’s nothing, Mere.” I force a smile. “I just need to go lay down, ok?”

 

She rolls her eyes at me. “Oh yeah right. It’s just nothing, nothing that you’re storming mad as a hornet out of here. I really don’t fucking appreciate this! It’s my first night and you all know that I’m a nervous wreck, that I’ve been this way all week, that I’ve thrown up twice today already. And here you all go, pissing off my assistant. I need her right now. I don’t need you two bullying her around. I need her to be calm so I can be calm. You’re both fucking idiots. I don’t even know why I’m bothering right now.”

 

They both just stare at her. Trace looks ashamed and Justin is looking at her in disbelief, disbelief that she would stick up for me. I can’t say that I’m not a little shocked myself, but I guess I need to give her the benefit of the doubt more often. I know she likes me, and I know she cares about me, and I know even though we’re really different a lot of the time, she knows when her boyfriend is being a dick and she’s not afraid to call him out on it, at least not anymore.

 

But Justin’s just staring at her and it’s almost pissing me off how he assumes that she would just come up and hug and kiss him and be all lovey. Does he not realize that his girlfriend is a lot smarter than that? I decide to do something immature. I want to piss him off even more. Now that he knows Mere’s gonna stick up for me, it’s like she’s my bodyguard. As long as she’s around, I can do whatever the hell I want to poor little Justin.

 

And he can’t do a thing.

 

I go and put my arm around his shoulders and lean against him like we’re grand old pals. I can feel his muscles tighten in his shoulders. “He was just making me upset because he kept saying how much you were going to show him up tonight, and I told him that you guys are both equally good and that I don’t want him making this a competition between you two.”

 

Meredith raises an eyebrow at me and then busts out laughing. “You’re probably the worst liar in the history of the world.”

 

I laugh with her and look at Justin. His jaw is locked and he’s just staring straight in front of him. Trace is looking at me as if to say, “what the hell are you doing?”

 

Meredith starts to laugh even more and comes up and smiles at him. “Oh my God, Justin. Stop looking so terrified. She doesn’t have cooties. Stop acting like a five year old.”

 

“Everything is fine,” I say. “I’m just going to go back to the bus and lie down ‘cause I have a bit of a headache, ok?” I pull away from Justin and turn to pat him on the head. He glares at me and I know I better start my funeral arrangements. “Be a good boy, ok?” I laugh, look at Trace for a moment and walk past all of them. I can hear Justin yelling to me, “You’re weird,” and then hear Meredith say, “Hey!” defensively and then laughter.

 

I just roll my eyes. They’ve all moved on now, all forgotten about me and how they treated me like shit. It’s ok. I really do need a nap because I have no idea how well I’m going to sleep on a bus tonight. I make it back towards Meredith’s room and almost go in to get my stuff and take it to the bus. My flowers are still sitting there on that table. Untouched and smiling at me. They make me happy for a moment, then I realize that he was just giving me those to butter me up about the bus thing.

 

I hear behind me, “Come on girl, wait up.”

 

I keep walking. I hear his footsteps behind me and soon he’s right beside me, keeping up with my quick pace and trying to talk to me. I ignore him, completely tone him out until we get near the exit.

 

I cut him off when we get outside. “I’m not a weak person, Trace. How dare you tell someone else that I seem desperate? Especially Justin. I'm trying my hardest to be a good friend to you, you could try doing the same without letting your dick get in the way, or letting your fucking best friend get in the way."

 

He whips around in front of me and puts his hands up. There is an angry look in his eyes. “Now hold up.”

 

I push past him and walk straight to the bus, thankful the doors are open. I call back to him. “You might wanna start asking around about extra bunks, ‘cause you sure as hell aren’t sleeping here tonight.”

 

“He twisted my words around if it even matters to you!”

 

I stop on the first step of the bus and turn. I really can’t believe he was telling Justin I was desperate for attention, or whatever the hell he said. How dare him? He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about. “You shouldn’t have even been talking to Justin about me in the first place!”

 

He marches straight up to me. “Oh hell naw. You’re the one who was bitching at me just two weeks ago about how you hated that I wouldn’t talk to Justin. Well fuck that! You think I was too ashamed of you to talk about you to him and…and now you’re mad at me for not being ashamed, for actually talking to him and trying to explain to him how I feel about you! You’re a fucking mind trip Courtney Dawson.”

 

“I was bitching at you because you wouldn’t admit that you liked me! I never, ever told you to go and tell him about me or repeat things to him that I told you in confidence. And I certainly don’t want you trying to explain anything to that asshole. What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“What the hell is wrong with you!”

 

We’re both breathing hard, glaring at each other and I feel like I might punch him. In fact, I almost do.

 

But he beats me to it.

 

He steps up and kisses me. Hands on both sides of my face, holding me against him, sucking the breath out of me, devouring me. It feels like a blow to my gut.

 

I push him away and he stumbles back. I wipe at my mouth.

 

He…he can’t do that. He just can’t.

 

“Don’t you dare.”

 

He punches the air and scowls at me. “Fucking fine!” he yells and I turn and stomp up into the bus. I…I can’t handle this. I can’t handle any of it.

 

It’s too much. I never in my life thought that working for a pop star would bring this much drama into my personal life. And…and I never thought one man could make me so fucking livid that I could rip my hair out and…and at the same time be so completely wonderful and sweet and pathetic and make me want him so fucking bad.

 

I hate this.

 

I have to quit. I just have to. I just have to leave right now.

 

I sit down on the couch and pick up one of Meredith’s fluffy throw pillows and pull it to my face, trying to suffocate myself.

 

Instead I just scream into it.

 

And to think, I have another month and a half of this. Of Meredith and Justin off having sex. Of Justin plotting my murder. Of Trace….standing there, begging me to forgive him, frustrated with me, kissing me. God dammit he was right. I am desperate for attention, for his attention. But when I get it, I just…I get scared. I don’t know what to do with it and I don’t know what that attention means, what signals he’s sending me, what he really wants from me. I hate being clueless.

 

I sigh and lean back on the couch and stare at the ceiling.

 

“Fuck…”

 

I think it’s safe to say I’m in a shit load of trouble.