October 11th 2002

JC sat quietly in the dimly lit room on the rolling stool next to her bed. He used his thumb to swipe over the surface of her hand and watched her as she lay on the bed, her eyes closed but her breathing heavy yet silent.

...But she wasn't asleep.

Her head turned slowly from side to side on the pillow in obvious discomfort, from the look on her face, and she squeezed his hand. Hard.

JC reacted instantly and started talking to her gently. "Just breathe through it Jess. I'm here baby, just breathe through it."

Every time a contraction would hit, JC would say those words to her and she'd get straight back into her focus zone immediately. They had more or less been in this same position for the last three hours, when labor had started intensifying.

Every time she even looked like she was ready to scream out from the pain, JC would say or do something comforting and she'd calm down, keeping her composure and riding it out.

She maintained her grip for a few long seconds before easing up a bit and exhaling softly. She turned her head over to his direction and opened her eyes to look at him.

"You doing alright there?" JC asked gently.

She nodded as best as she could and even managed a tiny but tired smile. "You're a saint for being so calm and patient through all this."

JC looked at her and shook his head. "You, baby, are the saint here. I'm not even doing any of the hard stuff. You are. And you haven't even yelled or screamed or threatened to kill me yet."

She closed her eyes and giggled at the last part. "Even if I did want to kill you for putting me in this position, I don't have the energy for it."

"You're amazing. I hope you know that. I could never do what you're doing. Not so calmly, anyways."

"You'd be amazed what your body is capable of doing."

"I know right. Even after being in this hospital all this time watching you do this with that needle in your hand, I'm amazed I haven't passed out yet." He grinned. "I'm proud of myself."

"I'm proud of you too, hun."

"I'm even more proud of you for willingly putting yourself through this just to bring our child into this world. Almost nine months of wobbling around and throwing up and weird cravings and I know you've been having those back aches for a while and I know your ankles used to hurt a lot too. I notice things. And then watching you lie here for hours, contraction after contraction, and you still haven't had a single complaint about any of this. Not once. That in and of itself is amazing."

"It's because I know that in the end, all that stuff would have been worth it once we got past this part and would then have our baby in our arms."

"Are you ready?"

"For what? The actually birth?"

"To be a mom."

"Are you ready to be a dad?"

JC ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "I'm nervous. I'm scared. And I'm not sure why one little baby that isn't even here yet is already intimidating the crap outta me."

"My answer isn't very different from - Oh," She squeezed his hand again and restarted her deep breathing exercises JC had practically forced her to give a chance when he practically forced her into doing a birthing class."Really. Bad. Contraction."

"It'll be over soon honey," JC assured her. "You're doing an amazing job, just keep breathing."

"Josh, it hurts!" Her was voice barely above a whisper. "It just... It hurts!"

--- "It hurts!" Ian wailed, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Daddy! It hurts!"

The almost five year old sat on the counter of the island in the kitchen with his right leg stretched out to his father. There were a few bleeding scratches and a bruise on the knee. Though it was nothing too serious, Ian hadn't stopped crying until JC had started interfering and used a wet cloth to try to clean it up a bit.

That's what JC got when he gave his son elbow pads and forgot about the knee pads when teaching a kid how to ride a bicycle - well, tricycle - for the first time, in his concrete driveway.

"This is gonna sting a little alright bud?" JC looked at his son and held up the Bactine spray. "I need you to be brave. Okay?"

Ian sniffled and nodded.

JC sighed and applied the spray over the cuts. Ian didn't make much noise, but JC did have to kind of keep a firm grip on his son's leg when he had started kicking so that he could quickly put on the three dinosaur band aids.

"There!" JC let go of the leg that was still trying to kick around and stepped back and put his arms in the air as though he was surrendering to something. "It's over. Daddy's done."

Ian looked at his father then back to the bandages on his foot and then back to his JC. He sniffled some more and used his small hands to rub away the tears from his eyes.

"You let go of da bike," Ian accused.

JC had to stifle a laugh there when he stepped forward to put away the elements of the first aid kit he had emptied out. "I did not."

"Uh huh."

"Nuh uh," JC shook his head, playfully. "Someone started pedaling too fast down the driveway!"

"You still let me go."

"At least you had on your helmet," JC sighed, rubbing his own head at the thought of Ian losing control of the bike and then ramming himself into the large, iron, automatic and security secured gate. Thank God Ian had made a swerve somehow and managed to fall into some grass. "Next time, don't get so excited and take off like that. Alright?"

"Okay..."

"Good. And next time, you will be wearing kneepads."

"The more protection the better Ian," Chris said seriously, walking into the kitchen. Lance followed closely behind, sipping on a coke can. "Learn that from now and use it for the rest of your life."

"Ain't that the truth," Lance chuckled.

"Uncle Chris!" Ian's face lit up and almost leaped off the counter top of the island if JC hadn't thought quickly and managed to hold him in place before he practically fell straight down onto the tiled kitchen floor.

"Ian!" JC scolded, picking him up and resting him down. "Bud, I've told a thousand times, do NOT EVER try getting down from there by yourself! Wait for an adult to pick you up and get you down or you will hurt yourself! Understood?"

"Yes," Ian mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Yes daddy."

"Alright," JC sighed, ruffling Ian's hair and then patting him on the back. "Go see your uncles over there."

Ian's face lit up as he remembered that Chris and Lance were standing a few feet away.

"Come here dude!" Chris stooped down and opened his arms. "Let your dad chill out for a sec."

Ian grinned, running up to Chris and being taken up and thrown into the air. It was his special greeting whenever any of the Bye Bye Bye Boys came over.

JC smiled and folded his arms. "What're you doing here? And how'd you even get in? I didn't open the gate for you guys."

"We know the code," Lance told him, high fiving Ian before taken a seat at the kitchen table that JC was pulling up a chair at.

"How?"

"You gave it to us."

JC frowned. "I gave it to Joey."

Lance nodded. "And Joey gave it to me and I gave it to Justin who gave it to Chris. We all know each other's codes for our houses."

JC rolled his eyes.

"Okay kid," Chris looked at Ian who was now standing and looking up at him eagerly. Ian always knew extra-fun was in the house whenever Chris came over. "I got twenty minutes to kill. What new games you got?"

"He has a new basketball set setup in the backyard but the basketballs are in his room," JC said.

"I play with Uncle Chris daddy?" Ian asked sweetly.

...As if JC would say no.

JC chuckled. "Yea, go ahead. Just try not to get those band aids on your knee ripped off. Chris, be nice to my kid."

Chris rolled his eyes. "I only get violent when I'm playing with Justin."

"Be back," Ian dashed out of the kitchen and JC stood up almost in a frantic by the table. "Chris! Go make sure he doesn't run up those stairs trying to take two at a time! He fell down once and-"

"I'm on it," Chris turned around and went to follow Ian up the stairs.

JC sighed, shaking his head but frowned when he noticed that Lance was staring at him and chuckling.

"What's so funny?"

"Why are you suddenly so protective?"

"I'm not protective," JC defended himself, sitting back down. "I'm just tryna be careful and observant with what he's doing."

"Why? He's a kid. He's active."

"He's always doing something now. Before, I'd just play with him and maybe we'd watch some TV and play some more and then he'd be out like a light. Now, it's just like he always wants to do something! He literally sprints out of his room when he wakes up on a morning and if he's up before I am, he starts jumping around on my bed. He wanted to start riding bicycles and he fell off and scraped his knee. Now, not even ten minutes later, an opportunity presents itself and now he wants to go outside in the Sun and play basketball. I'm never bored when I'm around him! He's so hyper all the time."

"Sounds like a young JC, don't you think?"

"I was shy when I was his age."

"When I say young, I mean back in your MMC days and early *NSYNC days when you were always bouncing around doing something. You used to always be taking care of something. He's like a young you. Hyper. I actually think he gets more hyper as the months go by."

"Or he's like a young Joey. With all the jumping around that Ian does, I'm surprised that he hasn't dubbed himself to be Superman yet."

"Maybe he sees that his dad is always on the move so he wants to do the same," Lance shrugged. "The kid wants to be like you."

JC leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes for a moment. "I'm tired."

"Just thirteen more years or so man," Lance grinned and JC laughed but then quieted down, leaving a soft smile on his face.

"I'm not tired of being a dad. I'm just tired of..." His voice trailed off.

"Being a single dad? You're in complete control of that, brother. What about that Susanne person? Didn't you have a date with her or something? Or that's what Justin told me..."

"Yea, I took her out for dinner and then we went back to her place and that was it. I came home and played with Ian for the rest of my night and after he fell asleep, I played with my guitar and my keyboard."

"Did you play with yourself?" Lance grinned.

"Don't be gross," JC chuckled.

"You haven't been laid in almost two years."

"Why are you worrying about my sex life?"

"I'm not! I'm just worrying about your life in general. Why didn't you fuck Susanne? She was hot and you went on a date."

"One, I don't fuck on the first date. Two, I haven't been with another woman in over six, close to seven years. I just took her out, we talked. It wasn't the best date but I got to know her a little better."

"That was it?"

"Basically."

"Did you kiss her?"

"Yes, Lance, I kissed her. But, it wasn't even like a good kiss, you know? I felt like I was in fucking middle school and the girl I had a crush on was locked in a closet with me after playing spin the bottle. I wasn't even gonna kiss her but I guess I just got swept away in the moment. It was dark, I walked her to her porch, I actually ASKED IF I could kiss her like an ass, she laughed and said yes, and then I kissed her. I was nervous, I was sweaty, for some reason I felt GUILTY when I got home and saw Jess' picture in the living room and that was my date. Great, right?"

"So you like her?" Lance smiled.

JC shrugged. "I don't know. She isn't what I'm looking for."

Lance leaned in, folding his arms across the table and stared at JC. "What exactly are you looking for JC? What does the perfect woman in your head have that Susanne doesn't?"

"Can we drop this?"

"Nope. I don't care if I'm pissing you off. You know I enjoy seeing people pissed off."

"The perfect woman exists only now in my heart and in my memory. She isn't coming back and whenever I see someone else, things just can't compare. Jess was... perfect. And even if she had her flaws, to me, she was perfect."

"There's a world full of beautiful women out there. You just haven't found the right one yet."

"That's the thing. I did find the right one."

"Jess doesn't count anymore."

"Hey, she counts to me!" JC snapped.

"I'm not saying that you've forgotten about her or anything C, jeez. I'm just saying that she doesn't count as a living, breathing, eligible match for you at this point in time. What are you getting so defensive for?"

"Just forget about it," JC muttered.

"Why won't you tell me if something's been bothering you?"

"You guys think I should forget about Jess! And I don't appreciate it when you guys keep telling me about all these women that you know when I am perfectly contented with my life the way it is."

"So you say."

"Whatever..."

"Your stubbornness," Lance pointed out, wagging a finger at finger at JC. "Another thing I think Ian got from you. When something was bothering Jessica, she'd just come to you and say it nicely. You? You like to convince people that you're fine all the time and then deal with everything by yourself. Jess never did that."

"I remember her being that way. You don't have to keep reminding me."

"Well it seems like you've forgotten."

"I haven't, okay?! I haven't forgotten what she used to be like. I haven't forgotten what she looked like. I haven't forgotten what she smelt like. I haven't forgotten what it was like to hold her and I haven't forgotten her touch nor have I forgotten what I used to feel when she touched me. I haven't forgotten the way she would smile at me when I would put Ian to sleep or play with him. I haven't forgotten what it was like to kiss her and then lie down with my arm around her. And I sure as hell haven't forgotten what it was like to hear her voice in my ear when she'd whisper ‘I love you' before falling asleep at night after a long day! I haven't forgotten any of it! Okay?!"

Lance studied him calmly. "I know that you haven't forgotten any of those things. And I know that you know that you haven't forgotten any of those things either."

"Then what're you trying to say?"

"That I do know that you are the way you are because you know that maybe one day, you just might forget all about all those things... And you're scared."

May 12th 2003

"Stop overreacting," JC rolled his eyes, trying to reach for the door knob on the door her body was covering.

"I'm not overreacting!" Jess insisted, standing in front of the closed door. She kept moving from right to left and left to right whenever JC would try to get past her to get into the nursery. "I'm being serious about this!"

"Just let me hold him already!"

"Not until you get vaccinated."

"I'm not getting that fucking shot."

She punched his arm. "Stop swearing. And stop being such a baby! It's just a little needle. It isn't going to kill you, sweetheart."

"I don't care. I'm not getting it."

"Then you're not going near that baby until the spots dry up."

"Jesssssss," JC whined. "You're being ridiculous. It's been almost four days!"

"You flew back in from Orlando last night," Jess pointed out. "It's only been less than 24 hours for you. It only lasts a few days for babies like him."

"Even if I did get the shot, that STILL wouldn't make me 100% resistant to the chicken pox! C'mon, let me just help you out with him."

"I don't need any help right now. He's asleep in the crib. Everything's fine."

"What if he starts itching? He could be clawing at his own face right now and we're-"

"I trimmed his finger nails and I applied the Calamine lotion and I put little mittens on his hands as well as little socks on his feet. He's okay babe, I promise. The spots are already drying up and the doctor says to just give it another day or two."

"At this point, I don't care whether I get it or not. C'mon baby, let me see him. He's my son, I miss him."

"I just don't want YOU to have any chances at getting the chicken pox. I know you've been flying around for a while now and I don't want something like that to keep you away from work. And besides, if you get it, then I am going to have two babies to look after."

"My mom told you I never had it, didn't she?"

Jess shrugged. "I called her yesterday."

"Fine," JC heaved a sigh of defeat. "But tomorrow I want my turn with him whether those spots dry up or not!"

"Yes, sweetheart, you'll get your shift at being the good parent," Jess smiled. "How about I play good wife tonight and make you something to eat while he's asleep in there, huh?"

"I'm not exactly hungry."

Jess raised her eyebrows. "You? JC Chasez? Turning down my cooking? Did all that airplane food they served you steal your appetite?"

"I said I'm not hungry for FOOD... You know the kind of stuff that satisfies my appetite." JC winked at her.

Jess laughed, coming off the door and taking his hand. She headed toward their bedroom.

"I'm a little tired though, Jace," she said to him. "I mean, I was up all night with Ian and then I haven't showered since this morning and... I don't think I'm in a sexy kind of mood right now."

JC shrugged, walking into the bedroom and closing the door. "So, we'll take a shower together. If you're too tired we won't do... Too much. I just want some alone time with my wife... I haven't had you like this for days."

"You poor, poor man," Jess teased.

"If I can't spend time with my son tonight then at least lemme spend some time with you."

"Well since you put it that way then I-"

She stopped mid-sentence when a loud cry sounded from the baby monitor on their bedside table. They always kept it turned on so they'd know whether or not Ian was crying if they were both in the room with the door closed.

"Go get him," JC sighed. He kissed her forehead. "Calm him down and come back so we can have-"

"-Our alone time," she finished for him. "Just gimme a couple minutes with him."

"Call out if you need me to bring you anything for him, alright?"

She smiled and nodded an ‘Okay' before leaving the room. JC turned around and turned off the baby monitor. He then sat at the foot of his bed, just sitting there, waiting for her to come back into the room.

He had started humming along to random songs that popped into his mind and a minute or two had passed until he finally heard something.

"Josh!" he heard her voice call out.

 He sat up straight, frowning. "What?" he yelled back.

"Come in here, QUICK!"

At the tone of her voice JC practically leaped off the bed and flew straight out of the room before stopping outside the nursery where Jessica had left the door halfway open. He could already hear Ian's screaming and cries drowning out all other possible noises in the house.

"You sure you want me to come in there?" he asked cautiously.

"Yes, just get in here!"

JC pushed the door open and entered the room, only to find Jessica holding and bouncing around with the crying baby, that was wrapped in a soft blanket, in one arm and she was trying to read off a thermometer.

"What's going on, babe?" JC asked, stepping closer to where she kept bouncing around.

She turned around quickly to look at him with a panicked look on her face. "I think something's wrong with the baby."

JC frowned. "What'd you mean? What's going on with him?"

"He was crying so I picked him up to check his diaper but I thought his skin was feeling really warm so when the diaper was clean, I checked his temperature. Jace, his temperature is 106!"

"Shit," JC muttered. He walked up closer to her and she tried to stand still.

"Here," he put out his arms. "Give him to me."

She hesitated for a long half second before agreeing and handing him over to JC.

She rubbed her forehead as she watched JC try calming him down, but nothing was working.

"Isn't a fever common to have when one has the chicken pox?"

Jessica bit down on her bottom lip and shook her head. "It's not supposed to be that high."

JC looked down at the screaming and squirming baby in his arms and realized that his skin was oddly and really hot.

"S-Something's wrong Jace," Jess said. She walked closer to where he stood and JC could tell from the way she was starting to stutter, her heart rate was increasing and from that, he knew that she was getting scared.

"Look, just... Call the doctor right now and ask him if we should go down to the ER tonight."

"A-Are you sure you're okay there with-"

"I got him, he's okay. He's going to be okay."

Jess opened her mouth but no sound came out. It was the first time Ian was even showing signs of seriously being sick and as a first time mom who had never exactly dealt with sick babies, her head was starting to spin.

"Hey," JC told her, snapping her back into reality. "You're scared, I know. But we need to get his doctor on the phone now so we'll both know what to do in this situation. It's okay, don't worry. Just hear what the doctor says and we'll go from there."

With a final glance at Ian, who was still crying in JC's arms, she nodded and ran out the room to get to the nearest cordless phone.

JC sighed, resetting a bouncing rhythm to try and calm his son even in the slightest way. Looking down at him, he couldn't remember the last time he had felt so helpless.

"It's okay buddy," JC said softly. "You're just a little sick, you're going to be okay. We're not gonna happen to you." JC kept bouncing. "I'M not going to let anything happen to you."

--- "I spent the last almost two years of my life trying to prevent something like this from happening," JC sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I guess I didn't talk to him enough about what to do in situations like this. He didn't hit the other kid too hard, did he?"

Ms. Jordan, the principal of the elementary school Ian was going to, shook her head.

When JC had gotten the call from the ‘principal's office' to come down to the school because Ian had been a part of a small incident, he imagined an old, short, mid 50s woman with her hair in a bun and dark brown attire to be the one he'd be speaking with. Instead, and he was thankful, the woman he was conversing with was seemed to be in her mid 30s and wore a smile. She looked like one of those fun loving pediatricians you'd see on those baby medicine commercials.

"Just a punch to the stomach and of course, that triggered a lot of tears and accusing but just because it wasn't serious, we don't condone child violence in elementary school."

JC sighed. "I know. And I thought Ian did too."

"Usually, I'd have handled it myself and disciplined Ian the way I thought fit but when I heard from his teacher what the circumstances over the bickering was, I thought it'd be best if I just talked to you about it and see what you could do, seeing that in a topic as sensitive as this one, Ian would feel more comfortable talking to you."

JC nodded. "Thank you, for being so kind as to do that. This was actually his first incident like this since his mom passed away and he hasn't been exposed to dealing with it around people outside of our family and friends and, well... Me."

"We didn't yell at him nor did anything too harsh toward him verbally or physically, of course, but we separated him from the rest of that class."

"Where's he?"

"He's in the classroom three doors down. I talked to his teacher and you're free to take him home for the day."

"Do you mind if I just take a few minutes with him in there before we leave first? Just to talk to him and hear his side of the story? See what he's feeling..."

"It's not a problem, go ahead."

"Thank you," JC nodded with a grateful smile. He turned around and walked toward where Ms. Jordan had said Ian was.

Opening the door and lightly knocking on it, JC peeked his head into the empty - except for Ian - classroom.

"Hey," JC said gently.

Ian looked up with a sad face. He sat on a plastic chair that was a bit high so he was just kicking his hanging legs melancholy. "Hi daddy."

JC walked in and closed the door behind him. He sighed, walking up to where Ian sat and he took a seat cross legged on the floor so that he could face his son.

"Someone's glum."

Ian nodded and kept his head down.

"I heard what happened today."

"Are you gonna yell at me?"

 "I'm not going to yell at you bud," JC sighed. "I just want to talk to you. I want you to talk to me."

"I didn't do anything," Ian mumbled.

"Yes, you did," JC said sternly. "You know that it's wrong to hit. We had this talk before, didn't we?"

"Uh huh."

"Then tell me what happened today. What happened in class? I want to hear it from you."

Ian was silent for a few moments before looking up at his father. "It was in Art and Crafts..."

"Go on..."

"My teacher brought out paper and markers and she said we were going to make cards."

JC swallowed. "Make cards for what?" he asked gently.

"For Mother's Day tomorrow," Ian said, hanging his head and JC felt a pang of hurt in his chest but he let Ian go on. "I told my teacher that I wanted to make a card for my daddy instead and she said okay... But, when I started, the other boy made fun of me because I didn't have a mommy like him and then... He kept telling me that having a mommy was better than having a daddy and I told him that he was wrong."

"And you punched him..."

"Yea..."

"Ian..." JC sighed, shaking his head, unsure of what to say.

"It's mommy's fault," Ian mumbled, looking down and swinging his legs.

"It's not your mom's fault this happened, bud," JC said.

"Yes it is!" Ian cried out, startling JC.

Ian had always been so understanding and calm about the fact that he only had a dad and that his mom had gone t heaven so JC had never seen this side of him. The only time Ian had ever shown emotion in Jess' passing was around the holidays but that feeling passed quickly after he got in the company of family and whatever new toys he had gotten. Not even on his birthday last year did he get too upset.

This was completely different. And JC assumed it was because he was slightly older now and because he was around more people, he understood the situation a little more.

"She was MY mommy and she left me! Other kids have a mommy and a dad!" Tears had started streaming down his cheeks but Ian looked more angry than anything. "It's not fair!"

‘She left me too' was what JC wanted to say but he knew that wouldn't help the situation. "It's hard for you, isn't it buddy?"

Ian nodded, sniffling. "It's not fair... I miss her."

"I miss her too," JC agreed. "And no, it isn't fair to you that you have to grow up like this with only one parent. I know it's hard for you. It's hard for me too, sometimes."

"Why'd she leave us?"

"It wasn't her fault, Ian. You know that."

"I wish she was here..."

"Me too."

"You could have stop her?"

JC shook his head with an apologetic smile. "I couldn't... I tried. Many doctors tried. We just couldn't. God wanted her that badly."

"Still not fair."

"You still have her in your heart Ian... I know I do."

"I want a hug from her... I remember her hugs."

JC opened his arms. "Would a hug from daddy do the job?"

Ian nodded, getting up from his chair and falling into JC's arms and holding on tightly.

"I'm still here with you bud," JC told his son quietly. "And you don't ever have to worry about questioning that."

"Promise?" Ian sniffled into JC's shoulder. "For real?"

"Yea, for real. I promise."

JC straightened his legs out and Ian ended their embrace to stand in the middle of them.

"I love you daddy."

JC smiled. It never ceased to amaze him how good it felt to hear those four words come from his son. "I love you too buddy."

"Is it bad that I love mommy too?"

"Not at all," JC shook his head. "Of course not. She's always going to be your mom, whether she's here or not. Love her now and love her forever. And she loves you too."

"Good."

JC chuckled but turned back serious a short while later.

"Now, Ian, you know what you did earlier was wrong, right? Losing your temper like that? That can't happen again, alright? Never. Whatever anybody tells you, you know what you feel and you know how you are. If anyone ever disagrees with you or tries to change your mind, stay strong on what you know and leave them be, okay? Kids like that, they aren't nice to you, stay away from ‘em. But if they're mean, that doesn't give you the right to be mean to them back, okay?"

"Okay...  I'm sorry..."

"Did you apologize to the other boy?"

"My teacher made me."

"Alright, good."

"Am I in trouble?"

JC sighed, scratching his head. "I guess not... Nothing extreme anyways."

"Can we go home?"

"Yea, let's go." JC got up off the tiled ground and Ian ran across the room to get his backpack and an open juice box.

"You got any home work?" JC asked, holding the door open so that Ian could pass through.

"I have to add two digit numbers together and I have to write the letters of the alphabet in common letters."

"I can help you with all that," JC smiled.

"Hey, daddy?"

"What?"

"Will you help me make a card for mommy? I know I can't give it to her, but will you help me?"

JC looked down at Ian's hopeful face and nodded. "Yea, we can do it when we get home. And I know a really great way to help you out on it..."

January 4th 2004

"Are you sure you're doing that right?" she asked for the fifth time.

"Yes dear," JC answered back with a mumble.

"It looks like you're doing it wrong."

"I just need to finish unscrew this part so that I could fit this- Ow, shit!"

"Bad word," Ian said, pointing at JC. He had one hand around his mother's neck as she held him up and the other arm was outstretched to his father.

Jess sighed. "I told you that you should have asked Chris to help."

JC scowled, lifting his head and standing straight, the tip of his index finger in his mouth. "I can finish it!"

"What'd you do now?"

"I squeezed my finger somewhere trying to put those two pieces together."

"Why didn't you just read the instructions?"

JC picked up the set of stapled papers and handed them to her. "They're in Spanish or something."

Jess tried to understand what the papers read while Ian just looked down curiously. "These are in French babe."

JC rolled his eyes. "Like there's a difference!"

 "Your daddy's cranky," Jess whispered to Ian playfully, but JC still heard her.

"I am not!"

"And you wanted to go into carpentry? If you can't put a plastic swing set together, then God alone knows why he put you in show business."

"Same reason he didn't want me to be a doctor. And I can put this thing together. I just need to... take apart some things and use all the pieces and make sure it doesn't break."

"I should have just taken you to the park, ain't that right Ian? Your dad is hopeless as it seems."

"Well then you do it!" JC challenged, stepping closer to her and Ian, delighted, let his father take him.

JC balanced holding Ian up with one arm and nodded toward the spot in their backyard where he was trying to put the set together. He looked at Jess.

"You think that's easy? You do it."

"Jace," she groaned. "I'm not saying it's easy. I'm saying you're taking too damn long trying to do it yourself when you could have just asked someone else to help you."

"I am asking you to help me."

"You know I'm no better than you in this stuff. And that's pretty bad."

"Say that I can do the job."

Jess smiled. "Babe, you've been out here for the past three hours. Can't we just spend the rest of the day out by a real swing or a real slide or something?"

"But I'll get it done, I promise. Just a couple more hours."

"You and your pride," Jess sighed, shaking her head. "Mix that with that with your ambition and you'll get a pretty hard headed guy, JC."

"Bud, you want to go out or you wanna stay here and watch your dad build you an awesome swing set? If we stay, then I'll convince mommy to get us ice cream tonight after dinner."

"Hey, you can't bribe our kid!" Jess laughed. "That's not fair. He likes to stay wherever you are anyways."

"Stay with daddy!" Ian shouted, a big smile on his face.

"The toddler has spoken," JC smirked, setting him down on his feet. "Just watch baby."

Jess looked down at Ian and shrugged. "I hope you don't grow up to be as stubborn as your father when you get older."

"I heard that!" JC yelled back at her, picking up a screw driver from the small toolbox he had.

She grinned. "I love you too!"

"Just come over here and try to help please."

"Now he wants us to help," she chuckled to herself, watching as Ian scurried over to where JC was stooping down, peering into the toolbox. "What'd you want us to do Mr. Carpenter?"

JC ignored her comment. "Just hold on to this side of the pole and keep it on the ground so that I can connect the top part to it to the other pole.

Jess told Ian to stand and watch at a little distance away from where they were in case any tools happened to fly out of JC's hands.

"Are you sure this is what you're supposed to do?" she asked, uncertainly.

"Yes."

"You're sure?"

"There are only so many places that this piece can go Jessica."

"I just think that you should put it higher up."

JC looked at her and considered her suggestion. "Here?"

"Lower."

"Right here?"

Jessica giggled. "No, babe, put it right there. Yea, here. Jace, there is-"

-"Okay, so you're gonna take this one and you're going to stick it over here," JC advised his son, handing him a cut out picture with glue on the back. JC pointed to a blank space where nothing was stuck or written, waiting for Ian to place the picture on the page.

He smiled to himself as he watched Ian do what he did every time JC handed him a different photo. He held it in his hands, holding it at the tips and watched it carefully, like he was trying to remember every scenario, recognize every person and recall every moment, trying to absorb every detail that was in each photo.

"Why is mommy's belly so big?" Ian asked innocently, looking up at JC with big, dark blue eyes.

JC smiled, looking down at the picture. "You were in there," he said, looking at the picture he had taken himself, just five years ago. It was one in which he had walked in on Jess taking a nap one afternoon after they had done finished shopping for Ian's nursery and JC had walked in on her. She was flat on her back, eight and a half months pregnant, and JC thought it was just too beautiful a moment not to capture on camera.

Ian stuck the picture carefully, next to the heart shaped cut out one of Jess holding Ian at one month old. Ian titled his head and frowned.

"How did I fit in there?"

"You were smaller at the time. Small enough to fit in her belly."

"How did I get in there?"

JC burst out laughing, shaking his head as he reached for another photo and the pair of scissors. "That is a story not meant to be told today little dude."

"Are we done yet?" Ian asked, reaching excitedly for the blue marker next to his arm.

"Almost," JC murmured, making sure there were no jagged edges along the picture. He took the glue and dropped a few blots at the back before looking at the page and then to Ian.

"We said we were gonna stick this one here, right?"

The five year old nodded.

JC slowly lowered the picture of Jess holding Ian at three and a half years old in her arms, the both of them with big grins on their faces, waving at the camera. The picture was taken under a tree at a park in Florida by JC. JC had also chosen the picture because it was his favorite one of the mother and son before she had passed just under a year later. He loved the genuine smiles on their faces and how Ian had one arm latched around Jess' neck while the other waved at the camera.

"Now we're done," JC said softly, leaning back in his chair to admire the last page. "Go ahead. Write it in."

Ian grinned, looking closely at the lines JC drew in lightly at the very bottom and middle of the page. He pulled off the cover to the marker and wrote slowly and carefully.

Me and my Mommy. I Love You.

Ian closed the marker and looked up his dad, beaming. "I'm done."

"Yea, we are," JC said, high fiving his son and then giving him a quick kiss on the top of his head. "And now, it's all yours."

He held up the scrapbook they'd spent the last two hours putting together and smiled. The first three pages were full of pictures of JC and Jess before they got married, after they got married, and of the three of them on various family outings. The rest of the book was full of random pictures of Jessica at random times whenever JC caught her and he had a camera and then mostly of her and Ian doing silly things together.

There were little captions and small phrases that both Ian and JC wrote under each picture or just in a corner or blank space somewhere.

It was now Ian's permanent source of remembrance of his mother. Whenever he got older and felt like the memories were drifting away, JC wanted him to open that book and be reminded that the three of them were a happy family at some point. Something just got in the way of that... JC knew he'd learn to appreciate those pictures as he got older.

"I get to keep it in my room?"

JC nodded, getting up from the chair. "Mhm. And you can look at it whenever you want to or whenever  you feel like you need to."

Ian closed the book and looked up at his father seriously. JC had already started clearing the table of the glue bottles and paper strips that had been cut off and the various colors of crayons and markers that were spread out.

"Dad?"

"Yea bud?"

"Can we go now?"

"Go where?"

"You said we could go if the Sun was still out by the time we finished the scrapbook."

Dammit. He said that?

JC sighed. "I'm tired now buddy."

"But the Sun is still out!"

JC didn't reply. He just continued to clean up the table in front of him.

Ian looked at him and got off the chair, running into the living room and before JC could even turn around and ask where he was going, Ian ran back in, this time a folded piece of paper in his hand.

"You promised we could go."

"We'll go Saturday."

"You said to Uncle Justin was coming over to help you with a song on Saturday."

How the shit did this kid remember me saying that?

JC cursed himself for continuing to speak about his business plans on the phone when Ian was around.

"Then I'll take you on Sunday," JC sighed.

"No you won't."

"Come help me put this stuff away Ian."

Ian obeyed his father but he didn't let go of the paper, nor did he give up on his question.

"Why won't you take me?"

"It's getting late."

"It's still sunny."

"Don't question me Ian."

"You promised me," the child said in a small voice.

JC sighed, putting down the fistful of markers in his hand and stooping down to be at eye level with his son.

Ian usually didn't question things when JC told him no. He knew that whenever JC said no to him doing or wanting something, it was because he didn't need it, he wouldn't use it, it wasn't relevant to either of them or because he was doing something wrong or JC didn't have time for it at the moment.

This time, however, Ian also knew that his dad always tried keeping promises. And this time, JC was denying his promise. He wasn't trying to be a spoilt five year old who threw tantrums when they didn't get what they want, but he was only trying to understand why JC would change his mind about doing something like this with him.

"Ian," JC started off with a sigh. "We can go another time. Another time when... you're ready..."

"I'm ready today," Ian insisted.

Well, I'm not.

"We can go another time."

"Why wait?"

"Because..." JC didn't dare say that he was scared of going back there in front of his son. He didn't dare mention that he wasn't ready and that that place still brought an immense amount of heartache. A heartache Ian would never understand until God forbid the same thing happened to him as a man in years to come.

"We don't have to stay long," Ian pleaded. "I won't ask for anything else, I promise."

JC smiled softly. "Bud... Don't you just want to stay home and go for a nice swim or do some more art stuff or something?"

Ian shook his head. "I want to talk to my mom. I want her to hear this."

JC studied him for a moment and gave in, dropping his head in a sigh before popping his head back up and putting on a smile. "Okay, fine. Ten minutes. We'll stay for ten minutes and then we come back home and do something fun. Go put on your shoes and meet me in the kitchen."

Ian grinned, immediately turning around and dashing off to find his shoes up in his room.

JC sighed, shaking his head at himself as he stood up for even making the promise in the first place. And now, he had no choice but to go back to the place that he said he would never go back to for a long, long time.

October 5th 2003

"Say bye bye, daddy," she whispered with a smile.

JC leaned over the crib, dipping his head in and kissing the baby softly on the side of his head. "I'll see you soon, bud."

He cautiously lifted his head out, careful not to hit the mobile.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay with him without me here?" JC asked uncertainly.

Jess smiled and nodded. "Yea, I think I will be. You've been gone before Jace, and he was fine when you came back home."

"But the last time I was gone for so long I missed seeing his first steps."

"You heard his first words though."

"You're only happy about that because he said ‘ma ma' first."

"He said ‘da dee' four days later though."

JC chuckled, looking at his son who was peacefully asleep in the crib.

"I don't know Jess."

"Babe, two weeks is long but it isn't THAT long compared to what you used to do."

"I'll be back in time for his first birthday though, I promise."

"I know you will. You get back three days before then anyways. I just hope I can calm him down when he wakes up in the morning and his dad isn't there to give him his morning bath or play with him for that hour before lunch like he usually does."

"Sometimes I wish I didn't have to go, you know? I know it's work and music is important to me, obviously, but sometimes I wish he wasn't still so young that he can't go on away with me."

"Maybe when he's three or after he turns two, we can start going on the road with you."

"I'd really like that."

"I know."

"Alright we should get outta here," JC whispered, seeing that Ian was starting to get a little fussy at the noise of their conversation. Jess turned on the mobile and it started to play a soft lullaby which soothed her son back to his innocent slumber.

"Be good for mommy," JC smiled at the baby. He held open the door for Jess to leave first and he followed her into the lit hallway, closing the door softly behind him.

"You can still come with me, you know," JC reminded her. "It's two weeks. Just throw a week's worth of clothes in a bag and we'll wash it and then you can just wear it all, all over again."

Jessica laughed, stepping closer to him to give him a hug and kissed his cheek. "That sounds tempting, but no."

"Fine," JC sighed, squeezing her tightly.

"It's Orlando, Jace. We have a house there. You go there all the time. Two weeks and you'll be back here in L.A."

"Yea, I know. I don't know why I want you guys to come with me so badly this time. It isn't different to the other times I've been gone. I guess I just love having my family on the road with me."

"Yea but I miss you a little more each and every time you do leave. But that just makes it all worth it when I do see you again for the first time when you come back. I've got his birthday party to work on and all that. Plus, I still got stuff to take care of around the house since you won't be here. Being a wife and a mom to an almost one year old is hard work. I need to take him to the pediatrician this week too."

"Is he supposed to get injections or anything like that?"

"Perhaps."

"Then I am out of here," JC grinned, pecking her on the lips. "You get to take care of that by yourself."

"Yea, yea. Ha-ha," Jess laughed sarcastically. "This coming from the guy whose wife has to hold his hand whenever YOU need a shot."

JC rolled his eyes. "That was ONCE and it was right after we got married. You're never gonna let me live that down, are you?"

"I'll stop talking about it when Ian gets old enough to understand it, so then he can start teasing you about it."

JC rolled his eyes, taking her hand and leading them down the staircase and to the front door where his two, black suitcases rested in the foyer.

"The car's outside?" Jess asked.

JC nodded. "Yea. Flight's in an hour and a half."

"Then you need to get going before you miss it so that I can avoid a phone call from you ranting about every time you're early for a flight, it delays and whenever you're late, the plane leaves you."

"Again, that happened once, maybe twice-"

"Six times."

JC chuckled. "I love you, baby."

She smiled, letting her eyes outline the shape of his lips. "I love you too."

He opened his mouth but she cut him off, knowing exactly what he was going to say.

"I'll see you soon," she said. "Remember? Chris said that you guys should start saying ‘I'll see you soon' or ‘I'll see you later' instead of ‘Bye.' Because, well, I will be seeing you soon."

JC smiled. "I'll see you guys soon. Just a couple weeks."

She cupped his face with her hands and kissed him sweetly, letting her hands slowly drag down his neck, over his shoulders and rested flat against his chest.

"You can still come next week," JC suggested weakly, pulling away.

"Depending on how this week goes and on how much stuff that gets done, I'll think about it and call you."

"Or tonight?"

"No can do, Chasez. You are already late and I have to get up in about four hours to breastfeed. You gotta go."

JC picked up the suitcases, one in each arm as she went to open the door for him. A cool breeze from the outside blew in. JC stopped at where she stood, holding open the door and looked at her.

"You can still-"

"Next week, babe. Hopefully."

"So not this week?"

"Nah."

"Not tonight?"

She shook her head. "Mm-m."

"Last call before I-"

  "-Are you sure you don't wanna leave?" JC asked casually, but still hopeful the answer would be yes. He helped Ian unbuckle himself from the backseat and lifted him out onto the ground. "We can go home or we can leave the car here and take a walk down to the park and then get some McDonald's maybe?"

Ian shook his head, a serious expression shadowing the soft features of his face. "Is it here?"

Yea, it's over there," JC nodded across the street where a tall cemetery wall was built. "This is your last call. You really want to go in there?"

"Yea."

"You're not going to see your mom in there," JC told him gently. "You know that, right?"

"I can't see mom but she can see me," Ian said positively, taking JC's hand. "She can see you too, daddy. Let's gooooo."

JC smiled. "Okay."

JC held on to his son's hand. He looked down the empty street to the left, then to the right,then to the left again.

It was quiet, not a sound of a car engine running sounded from anywhere nearby nor were there any other people walking along the street. JC wasn't sure if he was just killing time to avoid going in or if he was just giving Ian a few extra seconds to change his mind but the five ear old remained patient.

Ian did as JC was doing, looking up and down the road for oncoming cars. Satisfied with the clear road before them, they crossed the street and entered through the black, steel gate that was opened to their visiting.

JC stepped in, Ian standing in front of his legs, and looked around. A breath hitched in his throat as the flashbacks of memories he had from this same place almost two years ago each wrestled the other for a clear space in JC's mind.

"Dad?" Ian interrupted his thoughts.

JC cleared his throat, shaking his head as he relieved himself of the recollection of thoughts. "What?"

"Where is mom's toom, uh, tumb-" The five year old took a second before he remembered the word. "Tombstone?"

"Yea," JC nodded. "Tombstone. Uh, I'll show you. Try to only walk on the grassy paths, okay?"

Ian held on to his father's hand and walked with him, not even the least bit fazed by the eerie silence that seemed to continue ringing in JC's ears or by the fact that he was in a setting where dead bodies were buried under the Earth.

JC still got shudders coming to this place, and quite frankly, he was surprised he still knew how to get to her particular gravesite like he was going up to his bedroom from his kitchen- he still remembered.

They walked slowly for two minutes before JC came to a stop when they got to where they were going.

He stooped down to be at eye level with the blue eyed, brown haired child and looked him in the eye.

"You okay so far?" JC asked.

Ian nodded. "Can I talk to mom now? Are we here?" An excited look came over his face and JC tried to smile.

"Yea, she's uh... That's the one." He nodded over to the headstone behind Ian, just a mere two feet away from them. It was a bit distant from the others and JC was glad that he was able to choose a cemetery where the workers maintained the environment and kept each site presentable and, though surrounded by trimmed grass, clean. 

Ian walked over to the area and stood at the bottom of the covered plot, facing directly toward the headstone.

JC went over to where he was and Ian looked up at him.

"Sit."

JC hesitated before responding. "We're not gonna be here long so I'll just stand. C'mon. Go ahead." He looked at the white, folded paper Ian had been holding that entire time.

"Pleease?"

JC sighed, taking a seat cross legged on the ground. "Alright I'm here now. Do your thing."

"Can mommy hear me?"

JC nodded and smiled, putting a comforting hand on his son's back. "Go ahead."

Ian unfolded the paper and JC leaned in to listen.

I do not remember what you told me

I cannot remember your smell

I do not remember many things

But I miss you more than I can tell

I do remember your smile

And the way you hugged me tightly

I remember you made daddy happy

I wish you were still here, mommy.

Ian lowered the paper and looked at JC who had a shocked look on his face.

"I'm done."

"You wrote that?"

Ian nodded. "My teacher helped me."

"And you read it really well," JC shook his head, shocked at what his five year old just read off. "That was great, bud."

Ian's face lit up. "Really? You think mom heard it?"

JC grinned, pulling the child in for a hug. "Yea, she did. I hope she did."

"I don't remember a lot."

"The memories that you do have are in your heart. Physically, they're in that scrapbook."

"You like the poem?"

JC nodded, taking the paper and scanning it in Ian's messy handwriting. He reread what he had heard just moments before and folded it carefully before putting it in his pocket. "I'm framing it."

"You talk to her."

"What?"

"There's a bird over there," Ian pointed to a pigeon just a few feet away. "I wanna play. You talk to mommy."

"Ian, I don't think I-"

"Make you feel better."

"I feel fine."

"No."

And how would this kid know this?

"We can stick around if you wanna talk to her some more but I don't have much to say. I can tell you stuff about her."

Ian shook his head. "Talk to her. Say what's in there," he pointed to JC's chest.

JC was about to say something but Ian ran over to where the pigeon was walking around and tried to pet it.

I am not going to- Oh, what the hell.

"Remember, don't touch any of those stones or stomp around near any of the other plots, okay?" JC called out.

Ian looked at him and nodded, following the bird. JC took a minute to watch Ian play before he was sure that the five year old's little play area wasn't anywhere further than six plots away from where he sat.

JC brought his knees up and let his arms rest on them. He looked at the tombstone and stared at the first two lines calmly. He couldn't believe a five year old was getting him to do this.

Jessica Chasez

17th August 1977 - 14th July 2006

JC let out a tiny smile as he felt a single tear run down his cheek. "I miss you baby," he whispered, wiping the tear away. "I really, really miss you."

He looked over briefly and saw that Ian was still occupied before turning back. "Can you hear me, Jess?"

He waited a moment for some sort of sign but he got nothing besides soft sounds of the leaves in the trees rustling from the breeze.

"I didn't think so," he said to himself softly, letting his head fall in a little.

"You know," JC continued, raising his head. "I think about you. I've thought about you every, single day that I've woken up without you next to me. And... I don't know how it's possible but the pain gets worse every, single time. I thought it was supposed to get better. When does it get better, Jess? When am I supposed to feel better about this? When do I get to finally wake up with a smile on my face and go downstairs and not expect to see you cooking breakfast or something? When is my heart supposed to stop breaking every time that our son asks me a question about a memory of you but I don't want to answer him because sometimes it's still too painful for me to get the words out? When do those feelings go away? I miss you when something really good happens, because you're the only one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you're the only one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night and think about all the wonderful times that we spent with each other for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life."

He looked back at Ian who had a smile on his face. He let out an excited chuckle when he tried to touch to bird but the animal fluttered its wings. JC couldn't help but chuckle to himself.

"He's growing up, uh? And I wish you were here to see it. I'm trying so hard with him Jess," JC shook his head, whispering as he continued to talk. "I love him so much. And he reminds me of you in so many ways. Everyone says he looks like me but every time I look at him, I see that twinkle in his eye that you used to have that never used to go away- even in our darkest times. He talks about you a lot, as you just heard or at least, I hope you did. It kills me sometimes when I take a second to think about the future and realize that you're not gonna be here when he brings a girl home for the first time, when I'm the one who's gonna have to ground him for breaking curfew... You're not gonna be here for his high school graduation or when he goes to college or to see where he goes in life. It kills me knowing that you're not gonna be here when he gets married and has kids of his own. I'm gonna be in that house alone telling our grandkids about this grandmother that they're never gonna get to meet."

JC took a moment to look up at the clear blue sky.

"I don't know if you saw me that day Jess, but the day I had to bury your body down here in the ground, that was the hardest day of my life. I vowed with every bone in my body that I would never come back here. I tell Ian all the time that it isn't your fault that you left us like this. I tell him that you're watching over us and that you're his guardian angel but I don't know if I can believe it the way he does. If it wasn't for the son that you and I created together, there is no way in heaven's name that I think I would be sitting here right now. Thank you babe, for giving him to me- to us. God, Jessica, I need you, babe. I... I... I don't want to do any of the things I have planned out without you. It's been almost two whole years since you've been gone and it feels like just this morning that I was standing next to you telling you I loved you before they reeled you into surgery. You remember that? Can you remember those things where you are?"

JC waited a few seconds before silently chuckling to himself, using the sleeve of his t shirt to brush away to tears that had fallen. "I don't even know if you heard a word I just said."

He savored the brief silence before heaving a sigh.

"I'm still trying to accept that you're not here. I'm still trying to accept that every day for the rest of my life, you are going to be nothing but a memory to me. A memory that's imprinted on my heart forever. Do you miss me, baby? Do miss our son? Can you even see us? Because right now, the two of us are all we have. I comfort him when he needs it and in the strangest way, Ian comforts me by just holding on to me. I guess the fact that I'm comforting him, it comforts me as well. I don't wanna say goodbye Jess. I didn't say it when we put you to rest either. Do I baby girl? I don't want there to be. There are no good-byes, where ever you'll be, you'll be in my heart. That's an easier way of knowing that I probably won't ever say hello again. Not in this life, anyways. I don't know when... Probably when I can't move my hips around a stage and Ian's kids are making fun of their grandpa, maybe then I'll join you up there. I mean, being a single dad is hard work you know."

"Daddy!" Ian ran up to him, throwing his arms around his neck from behind.

But it's so worth it sometimes.

"Yo, dude," JC chuckled, letting Ian get off his back and walk around to face him.

"You talk to mommy too?"

JC smiled. "Yea, you can say that."

"Did she tell you she's okay, too?"

JC frowned oddly. "No?"

"She told me."

"How?"

"When I was over there. She told me she's okay and she said to take care of daddy because you always take care of me. She said I love you."

"You heard her say all that?"

"It wasn't loud. I didn't see her. I didn't exactly hear it either. It came to me in her voice."

JC smiled, stealing a glance up at the sky. So you can hear me.

"You okay?"

"Yea, I'm okay, bud."

"Talking is good. It helps."

JC chuckled. "Yea, it does. It helps a lot. I'm glad you wanted to come here."

"Me too."

"You ready to go?"

"Yea. I'm hungry now."

"Well let's get something to eat then."

"Pizza?"

"You want pizza? McDonalds is closer."

"McDonalds," Ian nodded.

"Alright. Let's get out of here."

"Bye mommy," Ian said, his small voice just above a whisper. He turned around and started walking back to the gate, thinking his father was following him.

JC got up, dusting off his pants with his hands. He looked at the tombstone one last time before running to catch up with Ian. He read and reread the final lines that were engraved.

She did more than exist, she lived.
She did more than listen, she
understood. She appreciated every moment because
she knew she might never be able
to experience it again.

Her memory is enshrined in our hearts.

JC sighed. He looked around and smiled softly before turning back to the site. "Rest peacefully baby girl. I love you."

...

I love you too Josh.