"Ooh, that's a cute one!" I exclaimed as a guy walked past. The girls and I were at the mall, watching people. As we walked past Hot Topic, a guy ran into me - literally.

 "Oh, I'm sorry!" he mutters, pulling back to give me space. "I didn't harm you, have I?" he asked in a southern accent. I shook my head.

 "You're not from around here." I comment. He laughs and shakes his head. "No, I'm from Mississippi. Though lately-" he gets cut off as four more guys come out of the store calling to him.

"Hey Scoop, at it again?" the one with dreads calls out. The other three laugh as they join us. "Scoop" rolled his eyes and mouthed 'sorry' to me. "That's Chris. And this is Joey, Justin and JC. I'm Lance," he gestured to each in turn.

 I smiled. "Sam. You were saying?"

"Ahh. Yeah. Lately I've called the bus home. The five of us here are in a band together. We're called *N Sync."

I nodded. "Awesome." We exchanged numbers and parted ways so they could get to their gig.

"I need your help," I tell Scott as I slid into my desk, "Mind if I stay after last period?"

He glanced up from his bag. "You mean after practice?"

"I was thinking between last bell and practice. Just need to talk is all." He sighed but nodded as the rest of our class filed in. 

After last period, I met him at our usual spot, the last classroom at the end of the back hallway. I sat at one of the desks, and he sits in the one infront of me. He pulled out some papers and put them on my desk. "In case someone walks in." I nodded and sat quietly for a moment, building up the courage I needed.

"I'm pregnant," I finally manage. He's quiet for a few moments.

"Fuck," I hear him whisper before sitting straighter, "So what are we going to do?"

I felt tears build up in my eyes. "I don't know. I can't bear the thought of 'fixing' this. But we're not in any sort of position to keep it, but I don't know if I could give it up either."

He sighed and got up. I looked at him and he said that he had to get to practice, but he'd be on my side, whatever I choose.

I think I want to keep it. And that's scaring the shit out of me.

"Scott? I think it's happening," I whispered into the phone. He left his house immediately. I leave a note saying that I was heading over to Scott's early. Amazingly, the business of my parents kept them from noticing I was pregnant. They were home this week, but after the new year it was back to business.

 Scott arrived and we head for the hospital. The admittance nurse was pretty mean while we filled out the paper work. Once I was admitted and finally away from the bitch, it was all wait until it was time to push.

I swear, I never want to have kids again. It's the most painful thing on the planet. Every mom deserves a purple heart.

Finally, the baby was born. A healthy baby girl. Once the excitement is over, we were asked for a name. "Celine," I say and Scott adds "Roxanne". Once she was cleaned up, Celine was handed to me to be held. She looked exactly like a tiny version of Scott with her black whisps of downy soft hair and perfectly clear blue eyes.

Today we brought her home, to Scott's house where he and his family welcomed her with open arms.

I couldn't believe it when Lance called and invited me to the local hotel where he and the guys were going to be for New Years.

 "Hey guys," I greeted them as I walked into the hall lobby carrying Celine's diaper bag. Scott was right behind me with Celine's car seat. "I have someone I want you to meet."

The guys exchange quick glances before Chris responds. "We know him. That's...Scott, right?"

I smiled. "Not him. This person here." I lift Celine out of her seat and adjust so that the guys can see her. "I'd like you to meet Celine, our daughter." They get up from the couches and come over to look at her.
"Who does she look more like?" JC asks.

"Scott. Definitely." I answer. "And she looks more like him every day."

For the rest of the night the guys take turns holding her while she was awake and being their usual noisy selves when she wasn't in their arms. Luckily Celine was a sound sleeper.

"It's over for us, isn't it?" I asked Scott. He was sitting on his bed, reading a book. I had just put Celine down and vacuumed my breasts pumped for milk. Scott looks up from his book.

"I guess it is. I'm sorry." I walk over and sit on the edge of his bed.

"The weird thing is, I'm not upset by this at all. Anyone should be when it ends. I mean, you were my first everything. Now we're over and it feels...okay." I say. He reached out and patted my knee.

"It was fun while it lasted, but we got more than we bargained for." I nodded in agreement and looked at him - really looked at him - for the first time in a long time.

He's doing the same and we lean in and kiss. The kiss lasts longer than it should, and into more than it should have. The make out session turns into a round of goodbye sex. As I left his house that night, I whispered "Goodbye, Scott" into the cold, clear air.

Celine is resting in her carrier next to me. Scott is sitting on the edge of my bed. I'm on my desk chair, turned backwards.

"I'm pregnant." I whisper. Scott's eyes widen for a second before he explodes.

"But we haven't! Celine's not even six months old! How? Who?"

"We did the night we broke up. Apparantly I could get pregnant that night! And it is yours, since you're the only guy I've ever been with." I calmly answer. Scott, realizing he was standing up, sat back down.

"What do you want from me?" I jerk back like he had physically slapped me.

"I just want some support! Damn it, Scott, my body hasn't even gotten back to normal from Celine! Not to mention the fact that my fucking PARENTS haven't even taken the time to notice they have a grandchild! Hell, I don't even know where they are half the time! Why is it suddenly so fucking hard to give the mother of your CHILDREN a little bit of support when she needs it? I've got half a mind to-" I stop and blink as JC stands in the doorway.

"I was going to knock, but I heard yelling and the front door was open and..." he trails off.  I force a smile.

"I'm fine, JC. Would you mind going out to the living room while I finish up in here?"

"No need," Scott grunts. "We're through here. Someone will call you later." He walks across the room and picks up Celine's car seat and storms out of the room. I rest my head against my arms on the back of the chair. JC walks over to me.

"It's alright, Sam. I'll help you through this. ...If you'd like." I look up with tears in my eyes.

"You don't have to. It's not your problem."

"Yes, I think I do. It's what friends are for."

I sniffle for a few minutes, thinking about it. "Okay, but on one condition. Not one word of any of this to the other guys," I look down and sniffle once again and continue quietly. "They'll just think I'm some sort of slut."

"Sam, I don't think that and neither to the others. So you got pregnant at 17 and again at 18. It happens."

I groan and rest my head again as he pats my shoulder and lets me cry it out.

Lance was over today. Wasn't feeling up to much except watching some tv. Can't wait for this baby to be born!

Anyways. Commercial came on and he scooted a bit closer to me. Once the show was back on, he pretended he had to stretch and kept his arms on the back of the couch. We started talking a little during the next commercial, and he started rubbing my shoulder. I leaned into it a bit because it felt good and he lowered his voice to askme if I'd go out with him! I accepted happily. 

I had left a message for Scott at the school. I picked the phone back up and dialed the number scribbled on the pad by the phone. I let it ring until it was finally picked up.

"Lo?" JC's sleepy voice answered.

"It's Sam." I could hear rustling as he sat up.

"What's wrong?"

"I need a ride. Come get me?"

"I'll be there in a few."

A few minutes later,  we were on our way to the hospital. Checking in was easier this time.

Two hours later, they were prepping me for the epidural and JC turned green when he caught sight of the needle. He quickly exited the room, only coming back in after the nurse assured him that the needle was gone.

Two hours after that, I was pushing. I had insisted that JC stay  in the room with me so I wasn't alone

When they handed me my son and asked if I had a name, I named him after his father (but with a different middle name): Scott Edward.

Scott stopped by after he was able to leave the school, and I introduced him to his son.

"Samantha Kern?" A guy in a suit asked me.

"Yes."

He handed me an envelope. "You've been served." He turned and briskly walked back to his car. I shut the door behind him and opened the envelope.

Court papers. Scott was taking me to court for custody.

I made it to my bedroom before I dissolved into tears.

The court date was a week later. When the hearing started, Scott and his parents claimed I was an unfit mother because I was frequently off with the guys (one of whom I was known to be dating) and as such, often unavailable or unreachable in the event of a crisis. They produced papparazzi photos of me with the guys in newspapers and magazines. 

When it came to my turn, I explained that Lance and I had begun dating before Scottie was born, and I loved my children. If something happened, I had a cell phone and Scott's family had the number, and I would be on the first moving thing home. 

Scott's family continued on how I was irresponsible, getting pregnant twice at such a young age. I couldn't possibly have an argument about that, so I simply said, "It takes two to tango."

The hearing ended when the Judge took a few minutes in his chamber to look over the facts.

The judge came back in and gave his verdict. He sided with Scott and his parents. We were dismissed, and once outside the court doors, Scott's Mother came up to me and handed me more papers.

"You are not to come near the family again. Your bad influence has done enough to our son, we do not want it to interfere with our grandbabies. Good-bye." She walked briskly away, Scott and his father following, leaving me to stand and stare at their retreating backs.

"Happy Valentine's Day," Lance said as he handed me a card. I read it and kiss him. At some point during the kiss, his gum ended up in my mouth. I giggle as we pull apart and take his gum out of my mouth to find something stuck in it. I start taking the gum off of whatever item is in there to quickly find that it's a ring.

The gum off, it's a gorgeous ring! Yellow gold shaped hearts along the band and ruby chips in the center of each heart.

"Lance, this is gorgeous! I love you." I try it on my right hand to find it is too small. I give Lance an apologetic look and try it on my left hand to find it fits perfectly.

A few days later, while hanging out with the guys we had some fun letting them think we were engaged.

I had just gotten back from a trip to Washington DC with my roommates to celebrate Mary's 21st. I was unpacking the knick-knacks onto the computer table and Lance, whom had house-sat for us. The other girls were asleep.

Lance walked up behind me and put a hand on the front of my hip, moved my ponytail out of the way and placed a kiss on the back of my neck. I leaned back a bit and felt him move a little and then he continued kissing as he guided my hand to the desk. On the desk he had placed a small velvety box. I stiffened a little as I looked at it. I turn enough to look at him and he smiles nervously. I open the box and inside is a delicate solitaire ring.

 "Will you?" Lance asks. I realize my mouth is hanging open and shut it. I slide the ring out of the box and put it on my finger, admiring the glitter the stone has in the dining room light.

"I will." I whispered. We sealed the deal with a kiss.

"Honey?" I called to Lance across the hotel room. He was on his bed, looking over his schedule for the upcoming day.

"Hmm?" he responded.

"I know our wedding is in three weeks, but why don't we call it off?" Before I could continue, I was interrupted.

"What?" Lance looked up from the paper.

"We'll call it off because we'll have already married." I rolled over and looked at him.

"And when were you planning on doing this?"

I shrugged. "Tonight sounds fun." Lance started to shake his head and I'm afraid I begged until he finally gave in. I quickly changed out of my night clothes and bounced out of the room, waking up the guys- we were going to need witnesses and the best way to keep this quiet was if they did the duty.

I rent a car and we drive around the city with a grumbling Chris and Joey, JC napping against the window and Justin hunched down in his sunglasses. We find an all-night chapel just outside of downtown, and that's when the guys realized what I dragged them out for. They protest a little, but when we were asked who was going to witness, Chris and Joey took a step back, leaving Justin and JC standing at the desk, and they became the legal witnesses.

Not having our matching rings yet, when it came time to exchange rings, I used the one I was wearing already and Lance used his diamond ring. Standing there and exchanging vows, I felt giddy and light hearted for the first time in a long time.

 After sealing our union with a kiss, we headed back down the short aisle and Lance started  humming "That's When I'll Stop Loving You" very quietly under his voice.

With the tour over, Lance and I were settling into our new life as husband and wife.

"I'm heading to the store, do you need anything?" He asked, sticking his head in. I nodded and pointed to a pad of paper on the desk, my eyes never leaving the book I was reading.

"If you don't get them, I'll get them later. No rush on them." I say as he crosses the room. He picks up the list and starts heading out of the room when he stops.

"Wait, you need a...." he lets the sentence fall. I look up from my book to find him staring at me.

"A what?" He doesn't need to say more as his blush explains it all. "Would you be ready if I am?"

"I...I think so. But you really think it?"

"I think I might. That's what the test is for, isn't it?" I stood up and walked over to him. "I wasn't ready the first two times. But now I have you with me and I think I'm ready to tackle it."

He pulled me close, "I won't do what Scott did, you know." He kissed my forehead.

"I know. Love you." I kissed his cheek and he let me go.

Upon his return, he handed me a brown bag. I took it into the bathroom and used the item. I left it on the sink counter and went into our bedroom to wait. When the three minutes were finally up, I went back in to look at the results. Coming back out, Lance was sitting on the bed.

"Well?"

"It was positive," I let myself smile a little. Lance smiles back.

"So we're going to be parents. I love you."

One night after a charity performance, we were hanging out in the green room. The feelings were high and I didn't want to keep the little secret I was holding. So I waited until there was a slight lull in the conversation and blurted it out.

"I'm pregnant!"

The room was quiet for a second. Lance reached for my hand and squeezed it. I squeezed back as the guys got over their momentary surprise. They started congratulating us. I told them when my due date was (May 4th) and that we were sure since I had seen the doctor that afternoon.

Feeling excited, I let slip the secret I hadn't even told Lance yet as they sank back into their chairs.

"The doctor did this kind of ultra sound to listen to the heartbeat, and well, she found two. We're having twins!" If the room had been quiet before, you could hear a pin drop.  Most of the guys just blinked for a moment, but JC was staring at Lance. I sat back and looked up at him. He was blinking and opened his mouth only to shut it again and look down at me. I smiled attentively and squeezed his hand.

"T-twins?" he whispered. I nodded. He gave a small smile and a tiny laugh and I knew, deep down, that we were going to be alright.

With a couple of weeks to go until my due date, I was taking it easy. We decided to make a quick weekend trip to Lance's parents, to celebrate his birthday early. I was napping as he drove. I awoke to shift again and told Lance to pull over next chance he had so I could use the restroom.

I barely made it to the bathroom in time, and when I stood up, I was taken aback when another trickle of liquid started to drip down my legs. Panic set in for a moment while I checked to make sure it wasn't blood and relieved that it wasn't. I finished up in the bathroom and waddled back out to the car, opening the trunk and getting out the spare blanket and spreading it over the passenger seat as Lance came back to the car with a couple of sodas in his hands.

"What's up?" he asked, opening the driver's side and putting the drinks in the cup holders.

"My water broke." I climbed into the car and got situated. Lance murmured something under his breath and jogged back into the store. He returned a few minutes later with a piece of paper and got in, handing me the paper. A quick glance told me they were directions.

"We're not going to make it back home in time, and I'd rather not have it happen in the car..." I nodded and started giving him the directions as he drove. We find the hospital alright, and while we wait for my labor to progress, I ask Lance where we are.

 "About an hour or so from Mom's house, why?"

I smiled. "So our kids will be true Mississippians then." He chuckled.

The day passed too slowly, but finally I was pushing. A cry announced the arrival of our son. There was barely time to rest as only eight minutes later, our daughter arrived. They were taken to be checked and tested while I was attended to, and Lance kissed my forehead.

"They're gorgeous like their mother. Love you."

"Love you too."

Once in my private room, two nurses brought in the twins. They placed one in each of my arms and for the first time, I got to look at Aydin James and Aurora Zemirah. 

Lance smiled as he watched us. He picked up the phone and dialed a number.

"Mom? Yeah, they're here.... We're all doing fine.... Tired, which is to be expected..... Yeah.... They were eight minutes apart....  They both weighed in at 6 pounds, 5 ounces... Yes, they actually weighed them both twice! I think we get out of here tomorrow, but we can stop by... Okay then, see you tomorrow Mom. Night."

A short while and two feedings later, the babies were in the nursery, Lance was asleep on a cot they brought in and I was sleeping in the bed.

I dropped the twins off with Diane before taking the long drive to Atlanta. The guys were going to be doing a few shows there, and I was going to meet up with them for a double celebration of JC's 25th and our first anniversary.

I arrived at the hotel early on the eighth. The hotel had set up a VIP buffet in one of their board rooms for the guys. After checking in, I headed to the room for a cup of coffee and to stretch out after the long drive.

I sat facing the windows, watching the cars outside when movement near the drink station at the side of my vision made me glance over.

JC was making himself a cup of tea.

"Morning." I say and he turns around and notices me. He walks over and sits across from me and takes a sip of his tea.

"When did you get in?" he asked. I shrugged.

"Twenty minutes ago? I was just going to let my eyes rest before going to our room."

He nods. "How are the mini Basses?"

"They're doing great. Right along schedule. I can't believe they're nearly four months old already."

"You look great. Almost like you never had kids at all," he says, taking another sip.

I smile, "Thanks. You look great for 25. Happy birthday."

"Thanks." He glanced behind me, to the door and then down at his tea. I looked back out the window until a distintive chuckle caught my attention and I turned around.

 Lance was just inside the doorway, looking beyond it to the hall. A woman came in and leaned up against him and I watched as they kissed. I closed my eyes and turned back around. I opened them to see JC's expression had saddened.

"Sam, I'm so sorry. I was going to tell you but, well, you know how it is on tour."

"How long?" I ask quietly.

"Sam-"

"How long?"

He sighed. "As far as I can tell, most of the tour. Sam?"

I blinked back some tears and look at him, "It's okay JC, really." I got up as my husband and the other woman leaned against the wall, oblivious to their surroundings. "If he asks, just tell him...oh I don't know, I got held up somewhere on the way here, okay? Thanks." JC blinked and opened his mouth to respond but I was high tailing it out the door.

I checked back out, and headed to my car. I tossed my overnight bag into the back and peeled out of the parking lot.

I pulled over a few streets over and parked at the far end of a parking lot and finally let myself cry.

Once I calmed down, I picked up my phone and called his, thinking quickly of a cover story to explain I was going to be a bit later than planned. He answered, and I could hear someone trying to stifle giggles in the background and I just hung up and started crying again. After settling down again, I called Joey, waking him up.

"Whazzup."

"Hey Joe, what do you know about what Lance has been doing since the tour started?" 

There was silence on the other end.

"Joe?"

"Sam." The tone in his voice said it all.

"Thanks, Joe. I mean it. I'll call back later, go back to sleep if you want. Sorry I awoke you." I hung up and wiped my face before starting the car and pulling back out of the lot.

I headed back home. I left my phone on, but the only call that came through was JC, late enough at night it must have been after their show. He apologized again and asked how I was doing. I told him I was fine and to hang up and call Bobbie and not worry about me. He didn't seem convinced, but he hung up anyways.

The following day, I met with a lawyer and had papers drawn up. There was a form of divorce that made it so that a week after it's signed and filed with the court, it was finalized, barring any court hearings pending.

After the papers were drawn up, I picked up my children from their Grandmother's and headed back home to read over the papers and wait for them to come into town. (We were the next city on the tour list).

When they were in town, I was ready. I had read through the papers, filled them out and signed them. The first day they were in town, I loaded up the twins and drove the half hour into the city.

At their hotel, I unload the twins and my purse and head in to get Lance's room number. Once I have it, I ride up to their floor. The elevator doors open and JC is standing there.

"Well, you're everywhere, aren't you?" I ask as I step off. He shrugs.

"Was just getting some ice when the elevator stopped. Need any help there?" I smile and put Ayden down and get my keeps out of my pocket.

"Could you get the diaper bags? I parked around back so it should be alright." He nods, takes the keys and leans in. "She's not here, if you're looking to catch them..." he whispers. I nod and pick Aydin back up and continue down the hall.

I knock on Lance's door. He answers and his eyes widen a bit but he lets me in.

"They're getting big." he comments as I put the carseats on the bed. I snort. "Of course they are. You haven't seen them in over a month." I dig into my purse for the envelope with the papers and hand them to him.

"What's this?"

"Just read and sign." I watch him as he opens the envelope and starts reading.

"Divorce?" he looks up at me.

"I can deal with you being gone for months at a time for work. I really can. But I can't be married to you if I can't trust you while you're gone. I saw you in Atlanta. And I had to hear it from one of our friends that it's been happening since the tour started," Lance looked down and wouldn't meet my eyes. Tears form in mine as I continue, "How could you? Five weeks! That's how long you've been gone. I love you, and...and what happened to "love and cherish each other until death do us part? It's not 'love and cherish each other until you've popped out a few kids and gone on tour!" I was almost yelling by the end of it. I paused for a breath.

"You can have full custody of the twins. They'll honestly have a much better life with you than what I can offer." I pull out a pen and hand it to Lance. 

"Just sign them. Then you can have sex with whomever you like." 

"I don't want to have sex with "whomever I like", I just want it with you, Sam."

I looked up at him. "Am I supposed to just roll over and tear up the papers just because you feel guity? Damn it Lance, I can barely stand to look at our children right now because they look too much like you! Do you UNDERSTAND how hard that is for me? AFTER ALL I'VE BEEN THROUGH, I'M UNABLE TO EVEN LOOK AT MY CHILDREN BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO DO SO? THAT YOU'VE HURT ME BAD ENOUGH THAT I HAVE TO WALK AWAY FROM THEM BECAUSE ALL I SEE WHEN I SEE THEM IS YOU KISSING ANOTHER WOMAN?"

There's a cough at the doorway. JC comes into view with the bags.

"Uh, next time you have a screaming match, you might want to close the door." He takes a few steps into the room and places the bags on the bed and leaves, closing the door behind him. Aurora's fussing so I get out a bottle from the bag and start feeding her, not looking at Lance.

"Sam. We could work this out."

I laugh bitterly. "No, I don't think we can. You missed your chance when you didn't call me back after I hung up the other day. And don't give me the "It's busy on tour" line, JC J fucking C found the time and energy to call after the show that night because he was worried about me. Just sign the papers and I'll be out of your hair." Lance sighed and went to the desk to read the papers.

"You don't need to. It'll be over in a week, you get everything. I wouldn't take you to the cleaners."

"But to do this over just cheating..."

"It's not just the cheating and you know it. We hit the rocks after I got pregnant. The cheating was just the last piece."

He sighed and signed the papers and brought them over to me. I put the papers in my purse and got up. I settled Aurora on the bed, surrounded by pillows so she wouldn't roll off, and made my way towards the door. I pause at the tv and take off my wedding ring and place it on top of the electronic. I take the last few steps and open the door.

"Sam, wait."

I turn and look at him, "What?"

"I still love you." I open the door.

"No, you never really did." I leave the room. I let a few tears fall as I step into the hallway. JC is standing a few rooms down. As I get up to him he hugs me and I cry into his shoulder.

"Thanks, JC. Thank you for everything." I sob into his shoulder. After a few mintues, I pull away, wiping my eyes. 

He walks me down to my car and I roll the window down after I get in.

"Sam, if you ever need to talk, I'm availible."  He leans in through the window and kisses my cheek.

I give him a weak smile and start the car. I glance in the rearview and see him give a short wave as I pull out of the lot.

I file the paperwork that afternoon and start my mini-road trip to my friend's house in Ohio, where she offered to let me crash for awhile while getting back on my feet. Ten days later, I get my copy of the divorce papers and certificate in the mail. We only lasted 13 months and three days as husband and wife.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I ask JC. He's lounging on the couch in the living room. He looks away from the tv and I watch his eyes flick from my face down and then back up. I look down at what I'm wearing - my robe only tied about halfway, my undies and my pedi sandals. I put up a finger and flee back into my room.

"Sam? What's going on?" Nicole asks over the phone. remove my robe, grabbing for my flannel pajama bottoms, carefully sliding them over my feet.

"JC is just sitting on the couch! I just walked out there with my robe half undone and only my undies underneath! Hang on," I whisper into the phone before putting it down to put my cami top on. Picking up the phone I can hear smothered giggles at the other end. "Okay, I got to go. Apparently my one night off isn't going to be the spa night I planned."

After hanging up, I put my robe back on (tied tightly) and head back into the living room.

"Alright, what's going on? I mean, you did track me down and arrive here pretty unannounced and all. If this is about Lance, I'm not going back to him."

"Bobbie kicked me out."

I started laughing. "She kicked you out? Wasn't it your place to begin with?"

"Sort of. We never officially lived together, but her place was more like a home than mine so..." he shrugs.

"So rather than just going to your own home, you travel oh, about 900 miles away and stand on my doorstep?" He gives me a bit of a look.

"We had a Make-a-Wish up this way today. And now six weeks before we have to be back in the studio."

"Whatever. Back to the part where you're at my house?"

"Well, I was kind of hoping to chill here for a few days."

I shook my head. "Nuh-uh. I'm finally starting to move on. I've got classes - I've started college, did you know - and I've finally found a job, I'm touching base with my friends again after such a long time. Last thing I need is something like you coming in and messing up everything..."

The look on his face is devastating. I close my eyes and sigh.

"Do you still feel the same way for me?" I ask, keeping my eyes closed, not really wanting to know the answer.

"I was there for you last month, wasn't I?"

I looked at him. He stared back.

"If you want to know if I still love you, than yes, I still do."

I rub my face, thinking it over.

"Fine, you can stay. For no longer than a week. You can have the floor in my room so Mel doesn't get upset. Mind, you have to share it with Gabby."

"Thanks, Sam. It means a lot." I head to the linen closet and get him a couple of spare blankets and then into my room where I toss him my extra pillow. He set up his bed area, which attracted Gabby and she curled up on his pillow and watched as he pet her a few times and stood up, chuckling as she watched him leave.

We settled in for the night not too long after that. I got up with my alarm, and got ready for class. I left a note on the mirror above the dresser that JC could use the bed if he wanted while I was gone, along with my cell number if he needed to reach me.

Returning that afternoon after classes were over, I found him stretched out on the bed, Gabby at his feet, reading one of my textbooks.

"I meant to ask last night - what are you studying?"

"General studies. Not sure exactly what I want to do. I never excelled
at one thing, just generally good at a lot of things." He nods and
puts my book back on the bedside table.

"Cool."

I set about putting my stuff away and found a small bag I nearly forgot about.

"Oh! This is for you. I need it back at the end of the week, but while you're here you can have it." I tossed it to him and he opened it to find the spare key I had made that day.



The next day he was gone when I got back from work. He sauntered in around dinner time and gave me a small bag.

"A thank you for letting me stay here this week."

I opened it to find a gorgeous ring - a slightly purple star shaped stone set in a silver setting.

"JC, you didn't need to. I mean really...."

"I think I might buy a house out this way. Nice and quiet and away from the guys." I looked up from the ring.

"Oh? Something tells me you're more than thinking."

He smiles, "Okay, I'm looking. But don't tell the guys."

I laughed, "Like the others would talk to me. Or I them, as the case may be."

"You'll have to talk to him eventually. He really wants you to be in your children's life."

"I'm sure he does," I answer quietly, "but I need time to heal. I... I need to know who I am. I'm 21 and have four kids and one failed marriage behind me already."

Jc gave a sad smile and the moment passed. I got back to studying and the night passed peacefully.

Sunday went pretty much the same as Saturday and the week progresses much the same except for the addition of my classes in the morning.

Thursday night rolls around, and I make the time to watch my favoriteshow (CSI:) before heading to bed. JC had gone already (Luckily Mel could care less about it "as long as you two don't keep me up all night" to which I blushed and she laughed) and settling down on the bed, I watched the scene of him sleeping on the floor with Gabby tucked tightly under his arm. I attempted to read a chapter in my English assignment, but gave up after a while, instead turning off the light and attempting sleep.

I suddenly sat up, unable to sleep. I watched as JC and my dog slept peacefully on the floor when I suddenly realize that I'm smiling. I try to stop smiling while I think about it, but burst into a grin again.

"Oh my god," I whisper. I feel my heart skip a beat at the realization. Sometime within the past six days, I had fallen in love with JC.

I slide out of bed and kneel next to him. He looked angelic with his hair spread across the pillow. I lean in and place a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"Goodnight, Josh. I love you," I murmur as quietly as I can. JC gets a small smile on his face and rolls over.

I went back to bed, and fell asleep nearly immediately.

Friday went as the rest of the week with the exception of feeling like I was walking on air.

JC was just as happy when he returned to the house.

"Hey"

"JC-" we started at the same time. We both stop and laugh. I wave for him to continue.

He smiles before continuing. "I found a house. I put in an offer today! I wanted to give this back to you," he pulled the spare key from his pocket and offered it to me.

"I'll get a hotel a bit closer to the house and stay there until it's approved."

I try not to let my face fall but I must have failed as he asked me what was wrong.

I look down, gathering my courage and then look him in the eye.

"I just wanted to say you could stay here until your house is ready." I mentally kicked myself. JC raised an eyebrow. I take a deep breath and force myself to continue.

"I insist on it. I really don't want you to leave, actually," he looks ready to respond but I hold up my hand. "Let me finish or I'll never get it out." a deep breath, a small sigh, "I don't want you to leave because I love you." I take the tiny step needed to close the distance between us and brush my lips against his. He doesn't shove me away so I apply some pressure, turning the brush into a gentle, chaste kiss. As I move to pull away, he grabs my elbows and pulls me in for another kiss. His tongue licks along my bottom lip and I allow him access. When he finally let go, I felt weak in the knees and he had to hold me steady for a moment.
I get my bearings and place my hands on his chest.

"I need to take this slow. I can't, I'm not ready for more yet. It's only-" JC quieted my babble by kissing the tip of my nose.

"We'll go as slow as you need. I've waited almost a year for you, I'm not going anywhere."

I hugged him. "I love you, JC."

He smiled, "Something I'll never tire of hearing. I love you, Sam."

 That night I let him share my bed. Waking up in his arms the next morning sent  (good) shivers down my spine.

That Saturday evening, we were chilling in the living room, watching a movie on tv. JC kept fiddling with my hand, tracing the lines on it, making shapes on the back of it and massaging it gently.

A commercial came on and I stretched. Something on the hand he had been fiddling with bumped against my other hand and I brought my hands down and found a ring on my left ring finger. A very gorgeous ring. It had a nice size diamond in the center, and four little diamond chips on each side, forming a square. I felt my mouth drop open and my thoughts raced a mile a minute as I looked at the ring.

I finally look at JC.

"I will." The two words come out barely audible and I kiss him.

"Sam-"

"How's Monday? It only takes twenty minutes to get the paperwork-"

"Sam." I shut up. "Taking it slow. Sound familiar?"

"Friday then." He gives me a look. "I'm serious. Ten minutes away from you is an eternity."

"Do I have to remind you that this time last month-"

"This time last month I was getting my divorce papers in the mail. Look- we know each other better than anyone else, right?" he nods once, "And I know people will think I, or we,  are crazy, but I know that I have never felt this way about anyone before. Not even Lance. Everything in my body is telling me to do this. I love you, and I know that we'll be okay. So, Friday?"

We decided on Friday and immediately set forward with the plans. I let Mel know that I'd be moving out soon, and JC and I skipped a class on Wednesday to go to get the legalities set for Friday. Through the week, I would watch JC doing mundane things - driving, brushing his hair, tying his shoes - and I knew that this whirlwind romance was the right path for me - for us. It felt natural and we finally fit together like puzzle pieces. It was like we worked hard at keeping our feelings at bay for so long - even if I didn't know it at the time - that finally allowed to be free they just exploded.

Friday finally arrived and as soon as my class let out, I was out the door and in my car, on the way home. Once home, I rushed through getting ready and finally got to my dress. After dressing and a few final touch ups to my hair, it was a quick stop at the store to buy a single pink rose.

Jc’s rental car was already parked, along with a few others as I pulled onto the grass and parked. I called JC as I shut the engine off.

"We're ready whenever you are." I hung up, picked up the rose and with a sigh, walked down the path to the secluded beach where I knew he was waiting.
As I came around the last bend, JC's smile brightened. I returned the smile and continued walking to where he stood, halfway between the path and the water. The officiate was standing a few steps away with his back to the setting sun. Two legal witnesses stood off to one side, watching the events quietly.

I reached JC and took his hand and faced the officiate. He started the ceremony. We exchanged vows we made up at the moment as well as the traditional ones. The actual ceremony was quick and before he said 'kiss the bride', we signed the papers, making us husband and wife. After that, we sealed the union with a kiss.
 As the others left, JC and I walked down to the water's edge and watched the sun fully set as the lake water gently lapped against our bare feet. Once the sun had set, we started our way back to our cars. As we walked along the path holding hands, JC hummed a nameless tune.

We stayed at a hotel that night, getting to know each other in a brand new way.

"Sam!" Josh called through the house.

"In here!" I called back from the bedroom where I was packing. Josh's offer
had been accepted and we were starting to move our stuff over to the
new house.

He sauntered in, cell in hand.

"J wants to have a meeting about the next record. And I should head
down there for a few days anyways.

"Okay. So when are you going?"

"I was thinking we could leave on Friday."

"We? I can't go. I have school and work and moving."

"So just come with me on Friday, come back Sunday or Monday and I'll
follow you back a few days later."

"I don't know if I can get out of work. I've only been there a month
and already I've taken a few days off for the wedding."

"You have too much going on, Sam."

"Doesn't everyone?"

"Let me pay for your classes. You can quit the job and focus on school."

I think about this for a few minutes. "I can't let you do that, Josh.
I need to do this for myself, and nobody else."

"I understand Sam, I really do. But let me cover at least this
semester. Call it a wedding gift if you want. I hardly see you between
your classes and work schedule and studying."

"I'll be here more than just the semester, I need the money for next
semester if not this one."

"I'll pay for it. You can pay me back as you wish."

I sigh. "I'll think about it. I'll take you up on the offer for the
semester, but I'll think about the job thing."

Friday I skipped my last class so we could catch our flight. As I hate flying, I spent the entire flight gripping the armrests and was more than relieved when we landed. We didn't bring enough to have checked luggage so we headed straight out and took a taxi to Josh's home.

I had never actually been to his "home base", but wasn't surprised at what I saw upon entering the house. It reflected Josh well enough. Exhausted from the flight, I followed Josh to the bedroom, where, after depositing my bag and shoes on the floor, collapsed into the bed.

Josh chuckled as I watched him unpack his bag. Bag empty, he turned to look at me.

"You know, this house is suddenly growing on me," he smiled. "If only I could affix you right there for good, I'll never have to leave."

I snorted and he jumped on the bed, pinning me down.

"We have a house all to ourselves."

"We do at home too."

"Mmhm, but this one has a bed in it."

"So it does," I reply before he lowers his head and kisses me.

"If we've got a house to ourselves, who says we have to stay in the bedroom?" I ask between kisses.

"Mm, Mrs. Chasez, you've got a devious mind. I like it."

I won't go into detail here, but there will be fond memories of that house in our minds for forever.

Saturday morning we woke up slowly, just enjoying being with each other. The moment ended when his phone rang.

"'Lo?" Josh answered sleepily.

"Yeah, I'm awake. ... Yes, I'm in town... Yes, I'll be going back to Ohio... I don't know when, man... Sure, we can do that. Later." He hung up and turned back to me. "Gotta be at the compound by one for the meeting." He glanced at the clock. "But we've got a few hours until then."

He leaned in for a kiss and I pushed him away "Urgh, shower first. You reek of last night still." I pulled some of my hair down to my nose and sniffed before wrinkling my nose. "Even my hair needs washed after last night."

He faked a pout. "But if we shower first, we'll just have to take a second shower."

"Who said anything about a second shower?" My response was answered by the devilsh grin that told me I was in for it.

I twiddled my thumbs as Josh drove to the compound later. He had talked me into going with him to the meeting, and for once, I wasn't looking forward to seeing the other guys. Lance and Joey in particular. I wasn't sure how Chris or Justin would take to my arrival- especially when I come with Josh.

As usual, my imagination ran in overdrive. Lance was cordial to me, and Joey seemed quieter to me, but Justin and Chris were the same. I excused myself before the meeting started and hung out in the next room, pretending to watch tv as I focused on not crying.

 "So," Lance's voice seemed to come out of nowhere and I jumped and quickly wiped the tears that had fallen. "You and JC."

I turned to face him.

"I don't know what you mean."

He came around the couch and folded his arms.

"Oh please. You leave me. JC suddenly takes an interest in Ohio, he shows up here with you," I move a stray bit of hair from my face and he continues. "Let's not forget that you're both wearing a matching set of rings. So you weren't leaving me because I messed up, but because you were messing around with him!"

"Lance, it's not like that!"

He drops his arms and looks at me. "I knew it. I knew something was going on between you two."

I stood up now.

"There was nothing going on between Josh and I while you and I were together! See, this is why I ended it between us! We did nothing but argue. When I think back to our marriage, I only remember two things: being pregnant and arguing. And you know what? I wanted to work it out with you. I thought we'd be fine once the tour was over and you had some downtime. But you didn't want that, didn't want to put the work into the relationship. Instead, you just go gallivanting around the country with little miss-"

"ENOUGH," Joey interrupted. We both turned and looked at him. "Look- you're both hurting, I get it. You both have the right to be right now. But all either of you are doing right now is rubbing salt in the wounds, and that will not help anyone. I'm sure you two do need to talk, and I'm sure you will eventually, but it looks like you're not ready for that yet. So, just for right now, can't we call a truce, for everyone's sake? Think of the kids. Would you want them to be here right now?"

Lance looked down for a second. "No, I wouldn't want them here right now."

I shook my head, "Me either. I miss them something fierce, but if we're just going to argue, I wouldn't want them around either of us." I look Lance in the eye. "I'm only here until Sunday morning, I was only able to get away for the weekend. Can we put this summer behind us until then?" Lance nodded.

We shook hands and parted ways.

The drive back to the house was a more subdued mood than earlier, Josh and I each in our own thoughts. We kept to ourselves the rest of the afternoon. I curled up on the couch and flipped through the channels on his overly large tv, trying not to think about the argument from earlier. Josh had sequestered himself in a room we hadn't been in and I wasn't sure what it was, emerging only when dinner time came around.

"What do you want for dinner?"

I shrugged and clicked the tv off. He sighed, grabbed his keys and I followed him out to the car. He switched the radio on during the drive and frowned and switched the station when one of their songs came on. I watched him drive for a few minutes.

"Josh?"

"Yeah?"

"Did that have anything to do with the meeting?"

He sighed heavily. "Yeah. Justin's been offered the chance to do a solo album. He wants to do it, and he should."

"Well, that's great!"

"It is, yes. But it means he wants to take a break from the group to do it. And, well, I fear that this is the beginning of the end." He pulled into a parking lot, found a space and parked. He looked over at me. "We've been together for six years. Six years and we're like brothers. J and I go farther back than that, at least ten years. And now it feels like the family is going to just break apart."

"I'm sorry, honey."

He shrugged. "I'll be fine. Come on, let's go get some food."

We entered the restaurant (Chinese - we both needed a pick-me-up and our favorite cuisine would help), ordered and took our food back home. 

Sunday morning the phone rang early, and I answered it.

"'Lo?" I mumbled.

"Sam. Sorry I woke you up. I don't know when you're leaving today, and I was wondering if you wanted to see the kids before you left."

It took a minute for my brain to shift through what he had said.

"Uh, sure, I guess. We leave for the airport at like ten, and I need to pack-"

"I'll bring them around before then."

"Okay. Later then." We hung up. I looked at the clock and went back to sleep before the alarm would go off.

Hours later, we were awake and dressed. I had packed my bag, and Josh and I were enjoying our last couple of hours together on the couch snuggling and talking.  The doorbell rang and he got up to answer. It was Lance with the twins.

Lance and I were civil with each other as I visited with my children and he told me stories of what they've been doing since I had seen them. After too short a time, we had to go and Lance left with the twins. I got on the plane and flew back to what felt like my real life after the surreal weekend in Florida.

My hands shook as I did the test. I kept hoping and praying that it would come up negative. While the minutes started to drag, I cursed the weekend in Orlando. We had been careful, but even careful wasn't foolproof.

We had officially moved into the new house, though with people converting half of the basement into a studio and boxes all over, it didn't feel like home just yet.

Exams were coming up, so the last thing I needed was a pregnancy. I wanted to do this right and take my time to build my marriage up before adding the stress children add to it.

The test finally ready, I went from the master bath into the bedroom. I tried to unpack a box of clothes but soon abandoned it to watch the clock. When the time was up, I hurried into the bathroom to read the results.

I sighed with relief as the test said negative. "Quit scaring me like that." I murmured at my abdomen.

"Hey Sam? Do you think we -" he stopped as he found me in the bathroom with the test still in hand. He blinked, and I could tell his thoughts were racing through his mind.

"It's negative."

"Negative."

"I'm stressed. It's late, I panicked. It happens."

He's quiet for a moment, "Do you want any?"

"With you, you mean?" He nods and I blush slightly. "I do. Someday. But two is enough for now."

"Four."

I shake my head. "Legally I only have two and you know that."

"Isn't there something you could do about that?"

"About Scott? I could fight it in court, but I'm not very likely to win."

 Josh pulled me into a hug. "Oh Sam, you're the best mother on the planet."

I snorted. "I walked out on my infant twins just two months ago. Divorced their father and married his best friend only a month later. Not exactly what the best mother on the planet would do."

"You were doing what was best for them."

"How is walking out on them the best thing for them?"

"You were taking care of yourself. You're still in their lives, it's not like you just walked away and didn't look back."

"You mean like my first two children?"

"We both know that's not the case, Sam. I know you miss them, all four of them. I see it in your face every time you look at the twins. I saw it in the way you would sometimes rub your baby bump when you were pregnant with them."

I sniffed and looked up at him, "You saw that?"

"I did. And it was heartbreaking to see you so sad. Sam, let me help you. I can hire lawyers for you - the best ones out there. We can fight for your right to see your own children. And we'll win."

"I...I.. I don't know."

"Sam, they'll be how old? Two? Three? They're getting to the age where they'll start to notice you're not there. Do you really want them growing up, only hearing whatever Scott and his family will tell them?"

"No. Okay, let's do this. It's past time I did fight for them."

"I'll call them on Monday." I nodded and we went our separate ways to continue making the house a home.

Amazingly, my parents were making an appearance for Thanksgiving this year. They had known I got married, and invited us to dinner at their place.

We had excused ourselves for a few minutes for Josh to call his parents. 

"Hey Mom," Josh said quietly into the phone, "I'm doing fine. Sorry I haven't called lately, things have been a bit crazy lately.....Yeah, I'm sorry too. Maybe next year we'll come out there. How's everyone? ... Did I say that?... I keep forgetting who knows, Mom, I'm sorry...Sam and I got married back in September...Yes, I'm serious....She and Lance got a divorce, remember? Back in August. ... No! It was nothing like that. Alright, hold on."

He handed the phone to me and mouthed "good luck".

"Hello?"

"You're my new daughter-in-law? Is this true?" Karen asked.

"Yes."

"So you were sneaking behind Lance's back with Josh?"

"No. I kind of left after the divorce and Josh and I kind of bumped into each other a month later and everything just kind of bloom pretty quickly. I love him, Karen. I really love him."

"Alright, if you feel that way. I just don't want to see him get hurt."

"I won't," I lowered my voice and turned from Josh, "I'd have to chop off a limb before I could even think of hurting him."

We finished up and hung up.

"Well, that went okay," I smiled at Josh.

"Let's go get some turkey and watch some football."

"You know, I think your parents think I'm Lance."

I shrugged. "Wouldn't surprise me. I'm surprised they knew I was married in the first place." I gave him a kiss. "Love you."

"Love you too."

Lance had come up for a few days, bringing the kids with him. It was evening and the kids were playing on the floor of the living room. Lance and Josh sat on the couch, watching them, while I decorated the Christmas tree.

Josh and I caught Lance up on the custody battle, and he told us what the twins were up to. It was actually a pretty nice vibe going. Lance seemed to have forgiven me for the time being, and I was just happy for the first time in a long time.

I excused myself to use the 'girl's room'. As I washed my hands, I looked at my reflection. There was a sudden, overwhelming pang of desire to hold a baby - a newborn baby. I pushed the feeling down and finished up.

I walked down the hallway and stopped at the end, looking at the scene before me. My eyes were drawn to Josh and the feeling came back, stronger than it had been moments ago. This was it. I was ready.

I raked my fingers through my hair and crossed the room. I squeezed my hips in the half a cushion between his hip and the arm of the couch and draped my legs across his lap so I was sitting just off his lap. My feet just reached Lance's thigh across the couch. Both guys were watching me by now as I leaned into Josh and licked the skin just below his ear.

"I'm ready," I whispered.

"For what?" he whispered back.

"A baby."

"What, now?" he asked a bit louder than he meant. I pulled back from his ear and we looked at each other.

"You?" I asked. We stared at each other for a moment more before he gave a small nod.

I gave him the brightest smile I had and slid off his lap.

"I'm a bit tired, please excuse me."

Lance nodded. "Night, Sam."

I gathered the tree decorations and put them together on the side table before kissing the twins and headed to the bedroom.

About fifteen minutes later, Josh joined me. I had changed into his favorite night gown and was sitting on the bed. He sat next to me.

"Honey, are you sure about this? It'll change everything."

"I'm ready. I love you, and I'm ready to do this. I'm willing to do this. That is, if you are."

"I am. Nothing could make me happier."

I leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss to start off our night.

I was the first one awake on Christmas. It was too early to be awake, but I was too excited. It had been three weeks since we started trying, and my period was late. I was trying to be carefully optimistic, but I just felt like I was pregnant.

I carefully got out of bed and padded to the bathroom. I took the pregnancy test out from where I hid it in the back of my cabinet behind the feminine products.

While waiting for the results, I headed to the kitchen and made a cup hot chocolate for me and tea for Josh. I brought the cups back into the bedroom and set them on the nightstand.

I went back into the bathroom and checked the test. I tried to hide my smile as I skipped into the bedroom and climbed in next to Josh, lying on my side, and watched him sleep.

I let my hand wander down to my abdomen, resting gently on it. I marveled at how blessed I was- to have someone love me the way Josh did, to love him with everything I had, and to be the witness of the creation of a brand new life, one that will be surrounded with the love I knew we would give him or her. I couldn't believe how lucky we were to have started trying and got it in the first month.

I was shaken out of my train of thought when Josh rolled over to face me and his arm moved across the bed to find my waist. He smiled a little in his sleep and I let him sleep a few more moments.

"Josh," I whispered.

"Josh." A little louder until he opened his eyes briefly.

"What time?" he asked, opening one eye.

"Early. But I couldn't sleep. I wanted to give you your present."

I moved his hand around from my back to where mine had been resting, gently splaying his hand against the bare skin.

"We're pregnant!"

He opened both eyes and looked at me.

"For real?"

I nodded and burst into a grin. He smiled back and pulled me close to him. I snuggled in, listening to the dual rhythms of his heartbeat and breathing. He rested his chin on the top of my head and rubbed my back gently. I closed my eyes, feeling at peace, safe, loved and happy.

We went back to sleep, finally getting up in the late morning hours when the phone rang. We let the machine get it, listening to Karen wish us a Merry Christmas. We got some breakfast and after exchanging gifts and opening the ones sent to us by the guys, we spent most of the day cuddling on the couch and watching movies.

The court date had finally come. I was fighting to get back my rights as Celine and Scottie's mother. I felt confident this time around as I had been preparing for weeks, and I had people on my side who knew what they were doing.

Josh was at my side as Scott, his parents and lawyers filed in. I watched calmly as they moved to their position and sat down. Josh squeezed my hand. I smiled at him and squeezed back.

The judge came in and we took our seats as our lawyer began to state our case. He pointed out that I had been blind sighted by the first case, since I had let Scott's family know I was heading out of town, and only had a few days to prepare before the date. I had since settled down and am in a stable relationship with my husband and currently working on my bachelors.

Their lawyer pointed out that I had, in the time since the last court appearance, married, given birth and divorced before marrying again within two months. With a relationship record like that, just because I was married didn't mean it would last.

I tried not to seethe as their lawyer tried to bring me down. The Judge finally called me up to ask some questions.

I told them that yes, I had been married once before my current marriage and that we divorced for irreconcilable differences, and that our children were with their father because at the time of the divorce, he had the means of giving them a better life than I did. I told them that the current agreement was I got to see them a few times a year, and that my ex-husband and I would email pictures and stories several times a week.

 The Judge finished up my questioning and called Scott up.

"It sounds rehearsed," I murmured as Scott answered the questions set forth to him - that they lived with his parents while he finished his schooling and that if need be, they would stay with them when he was playing baseball for a farm team. They were well loved and happy and didn't need to be confused when their mother would call them and then drop out for months at a time.

Our lawyer provided the judge with the restraining order I had been given, forbidding me to come near or call the family.

The Judge deliberated for only a few short minutes before coming back in.

"I award Mrs. Samantha Chasez her parental rights back in the eyes of the court. I also award her every other month with the said children until such a time it is necessary to deliberate custody again. Dismissed."

With that, Scott's mother got up and stormed out of the room, letting her husband to chase after her. Scott and the lawyer were a bit slower and Scott gave me a small smile as he left.

Josh and I held it in until after we had left the room. As the doors closed behind us, I hugged him as tightly as I could and gave him a sloppy kiss.

"Oh Josh, I get Celine and Scottie back! I'm so happy! Thank you so much for everything."

"I'm so happy for you, Sam." He kissed my forehead and we started down the hall to pick up the documents we needed.

"Happy birthday Joe!" I said as he let Josh and I into his house. We had flown down for the weekend to celebrate Joey and Justin's birthdays.

Upon entering the living room, I noted that Chris wasn't there yet, but Lance and Justin were.

"Happy birthday, J." I said as I sat down on the couch, Josh right behind me.

"Thanks, Sam, JC," Justin said, going back to the video game he was playing.

"So what's the plan?" Josh asked.

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I fully plan on getting hammered and waking up not knowing the other person's name," Justin said as he beat Lance in the game.

"Dude, you suck!" He yelled as he jumped up and did a dance.

"Whatever, I have things I need to do other than play games all day." Lance got up and plopped onto the couch next to Josh. They started a conversation about the shenanigans they had gotten into in Europe while Joey took Lance's place and the house was full of taunts and laughter. I laid back on the couch and listened to it all.

When Chris arrived, I let him in since Joey was busy trying to pummel Justin (to prove that you do just get better with age).

"Hey! Sam, you look great," Chris said as he gave me a quick hug before heading off into the living room, screaming like a banshee. I returned to the room, laughing at the sight of Joey squirming under Chris and Justin's grasp while Chris gave him a noogie. I rejoined Josh and Lance on the couch, pulling my feet up underneath me while the other three wrestled on the floor.

Josh excused himself for the bathroom and Lance gave me a long look.

"You seem happy."

I tilt my head a little. "I am happy. Very happy."

Lance nodded. "It shows. You're practically glowing."

I glance at the wrestling match still going on. "What makes you say that?"

I see him shrug out of the corner of my eye, "You're just...radiant."

"She better be by now. She's been 'detoxing' for about two weeks now." Josh said from behind me.

I blushed and looked down. "More like three," I mumbled as he sat down again. I leaned against his shoulder, closed my eyes and sighed. He put his arm around my back and kissed the top of my head.

"Who's ready for some good FOOD!" Joey yelled from the pile of arms and legs on the floor. I felt a wave of nausea come on at the thought of food (specifically seafood) and squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath.

"You alright Sam? You're as green as a turtle over there," Chris asked, getting off the floor and adjusting his shirt.

I opened my eyes to see them all looking at me. I sat up straight and gave them a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just not in the mood for seafood is all." I looked around at the guys and only Lance was giving me a quizzical look.

"And you're due when?" he asked as we were leaving. Everyone stopped and turned to look at us.

"Late August," I answered and gave Lance a glare as I continued to our rental car.

From my seat in the car, I could see Lance shrug and get into his car. Josh joined me and we followed the other guys to the restaurant. Not how I wanted to tell everyone, but now it was out.

"I've made a decision." Josh announces out of the blue.

"What?" I look up from the textbook spread across my lap. I turn to face him on the couch.

"I'm going to make a record," he says, looking into my eyes.

"Oh honey, that's great!" I leaned back against him.

"Yeah. Dallas helped me realize that I need to get back to work."

"Oh really?"

He pushed me off his lap and I sat up and faced him. He took my hands in his. 

"I might be gone a while for this."

"How gone?"

"Well you know how I am when I write."

"Yeah," I dragged it out cautiously.

"I've just got this surge going on, a need, I guess. I need to find me. I have all this music in me, needing to get out."

I looked at him carefully. "I know how you work, I've seen you at it."

"Everyone I want to work with is in L.A." he let out in one quick rush. It takes me a few seconds to register what he said.

"Oh." I stare at him and see something there and I know what I need to say.

"Go. Don't worry about me, just go. You need to."

He searched my face. "Are you sure?"

I nod. "I'm sure. Just don't forget me while you're out there." I smile, lightening the mood. He smiled and kissed me.

The following day I watched as the hired car pulled out of our driveway on it's way to the airport.

"Go make us proud." I whispered as I shut the front door. I turned and headed to the kitchen to make dinner for myself and the kids.

"Come on sweetie, you can do it!" I encourage Aurora. I'm walking hand in hand with the twins into the party center. They were spending the month with me while I had Celine and Scottie too. Mel was behind me with the older two.

The guys were already there, and Brianna toddled over to us when she saw Aydin and Aurora. I let go of their hands, satisfied that they were in no immediate danger. They crawled over to the toys Bri was playing with and engaged themselves. Celine and Scottie were soon running around, chasing each other in their latest game that involved sharks.

I catch Lance's eye and we exchange small smiles and he heads over to the twins while I head across the room to where Josh was standing, munching on the food.

"Hey stranger."

He turns around.

"Hey baby. What's up?"

I reach up and hug him around his neck, accidentally bumping him with my baby bump.

"I'm exhausted, starving and our baby is growing right on schedule." I smile before giving him a kiss. He kisses back and pulls me closer to him.

"I'm sorry I've been distant lately."

"It's fine, Josh. I know what it's like to be inspired. When you need to, you have to. It's your job. If I had a problem with it, I wouldn't have married you."

He pulled back and looked me up and down, his eyes finally focusing on my abdomen.

"Wow. All this in two months?" His eyes flick back up to my face.

I laugh and cradle the bump. "We're half way home, Daddy-o. Twenty weeks down, twenty to go."

Josh puts his hands over mine and kneels down and starts talking softly to my stomach. I watched him bond with his child, enjoying the tug on my heartstrings that the sight made. After a few minutes he got back up and kissed my cheek.

The kids played as the adults stood and sat around, keeping an eye on everyone. Josh and I sat together on one side of the room, discussing what we've been missing with each other over the past two months. Lance was on the other side of the room, talking to Joey and watching Brianna build with the blocks.

Aydin had crawled to the chair next to us and pulled himself up. Holding the seat edge, he walked away from the side closer to me and stopped when he ran out of chair. Hand in mouth, he looked around the room and saw his daddy. He took his hand out of his mouth and took a step towards Lance, letting go of the chair for his next step. 

"Ohmigod," I inhaled. "Lance!" I called across the room. He and Joey turned and followed my gaze to Aydin. Aydin looked confused and Lance crouched down and held his arms out.

"Aydin, come to Daddy," he said softly. Aydin slowly walked over to Lance. When he reached Lance's arms, everyone started clapping and Lance praised him.

I got a bit misty-eyed and Josh put his hand on my knee. He looked so proud of his step-son. He seemed to beam even more when Aurora took her own first steps twenty minutes later.

Lance and I sat with the newly minted walkers and helped them open their presents. Once the excitement of the presents was over, it was time for the cake.

Aydin just dug right into his cake and we had to rescue the candle before he got hurt but Aurora just stared at her candle until Scottie blew it out for her and we removed it.

After the party was cleaned up, Josh loaded up his stuff from Lance's car into ours and we headed home. It felt great to have him back home and as we lied in bed that night, I marveled at how different my life was compared to a year before.

I shivered slightly as they spread the gel across my exposed skin. Josh squeezed my hand gently as the technician moved the ultrasound wand over the gel, trying to find a good angle. We got a good profile picture of our future child's face and I heard Josh suck in a breath.

Even though this was my fourth pregnancy, seeing it through Josh's eyes made it almost feel like my first baby too sometimes. The little moments we shared together brought us closer together both as a couple and as a family.

The technician pointed out various parts of the body as she moved the image around.

"I can't believe all that fits inside another human," Josh whispered in awe.

"Hmm. We all have to break out sometime though."

Josh kissed my temple "Happy birthday, Sam. I love you"

"Love you too."

The technitian started freeze framing images to print for us. 

"Oh." I said, watching the screen.

"What?" Josh asked.

"I know what we're having."

Josh looked as I pointed out the shapes on the screen.

"Leg, leg, arm, umbilical cord."

"So, it's a girl." I nodded and the technician smiled.

"Congratulations, Daddy, you're having a daughter."

As we left the appointment, Josh was smiling from ear to ear. I think he secretly was hoping for a girl, and now his wish was coming true.

"You know this means my intuition was right all this time then." I commented as we got into the car.

"I will never again doubt the power of your intuition," he said mockingly serious and I lightly slapped him on the arm, trying not to laugh. He smiled again and started the car.

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear JC,
Happy birthday to you!

 Everyone sang as they placed the table with the cake infront of Josh. I uncovered his eyes and let him see the cake. He took a second too take in the image of the naked lady's ass with a rose covering her crack and the text - 'Happy Birthday JC, here's a nice piece of ass!' before bursting into laughter.

 After the cake had be cut and served, I had managed to talk the guys into doing one quick performance of "This I Promise You" with me filling in for Josh's parts. I was taking advantage of the pregnancy to make it easier to sing exactly like him and had him down nearly perfect for that particular song.

Lance and Joey brought me one of the barstool chairs and helped me up onto it near the sound system and handed me my microphone. I smiled my thanks and readjusted my shirt to make sure it covered my enormous belly. The others made their way over to us and we waited for the current song to finish before the DJ flipped our mikes on.

"And now, in a very rare performance and appearance, *N SYMN will do a cover of *N SYNC's 'This I Promise You.'" I said into the microphone as everyone turned to watch. The DJ started the track and Justin started the song. I joined in with the rest of the guys for the first chorus and then did Josh's solo. When I finished his long note and went into the instrumental solo, there was a smattering of applause.

When we finished the song, Josh was at my side.

"That was beautiful, thank you." he said before giving me a kiss. He placed a hand on my abdomen and gave our daughter a loving pat and she kicked in response. He smiled and helped me off the chair.

That night in bed, he spent a good long time talking softly to our child while I watched sleepily and ran my fingers through his ever lengthening hair.

It was the perfect end to a perfect day and I had never felt so safe as I did watching Josh talk to our daughter.

Honey-

I know how you like to write out the big things in this journal.  This one was pretty big. It started earlier today when you started feeling some cramps. We didn't think too much of it at the time since you were going to be offically full-term on Monday. But the cramps just intensified so we came into the hospital, thinking that our daughter was just going to arrive a bit early. Everything had been so smooth until today.

They rushed you off for testing and I sat in the waiting room for what must have been hours because it felt like an eternity. My thoughts kept going back to the idea that I might have to choose between the two of you. And Sam- I honestly don't know what I would have done if it came down to that. I can't imagine my life without you or our daughter. I love you, Sam. I say it often, but I rarely write it out for you.

When at last a doctor came out and told me what was going on - that both of you would be fine, I nearly collapsed with the relief I felt at that moment. They let me come and see you finally as they explained what was going on. You went into pre-term labor. At first they were going to let it progress and today would have been our child's birth date, but after some tests they were concerned about the development of her lungs and they managed to stop your labor and put you on something to help her development along.

When I first saw you, you were hooked up to a few IVs, napping and looking too fragile. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and was wringing it out. I want nothing more, as I sit here next to your bed scribbling this out, than to pick you up, kiss you and have you completely  better.

They're going to keep you for another 24 hours for observation. If the labor doesn't start again, you're free to come home where you'll be on strict bed rest until either labor starts or the due date when they'll induce labor.

I love you so much,

Josh

The day finally arrived. I had been on strict bed rest for the last few weeks, and my due date was finally here.

I had wanted to try a home birth, and even though Josh and the doctors tried to convince me otherwise after the close call earlier this month, I refused to give up on it. We finally agreed that we'd start with the home birth, but at the first sign of trouble I was to be rushed to the hospital only fifteen minutes away.

The midwife arrived around eight am and got things started. The day was a slow and painful one as I went back and forth between the bed and the tub, trying to ease the pain and coax the baby to get the ball rolling.

We tried everything from playing club music to gentle exercising on the birthing ball to get the process going. The midwife said progress was going just fine, but to me it just felt like an eternity.

Sometime in the afternoon, I was far enough along to break the water. Once that was done, everything seemed to intensify.

"Doesn't matter how many you have, you like to forget how much goes into it!" I joked as a contraction ebbed.

It was late in the evening when I was finally ready to push. A little after eleven, the newest Chasez was placed on my chest as Josh cut the cord. She was checked over and proclaimed healthy and fine by the midwife.

While I was being attended to, I watched as Josh held her. He held her like she'd break if he so much as breathed on her and brought her carefully up to me where he knelt down to be more at my level and adjusted her so I could see her little face better.

"Hi there, Zara. I'm your daddy," he whispered to her. I stroked her cheek gently with the back of my finger. Josh brought her up to his mouth and gently kissed her forehead. I smiled as I watched.

The midwife finished up and let me adjust myself into more of a sitting position on the bed.

"I love you. I can not believe you would put yourself through all that for me. I'm so proud of both of you," he whispered as he handed Zara to me for her first feeding before the midwife left.

Josh made to leave the room as I started to get ready to feed her.

"Why are you leaving? You've seen it all before."

Josh stopped and hung out around the doorway while Zara and I figured out the best way of doing it.

The feeding done, the midwife left some papers with Josh and went home.

When Josh returned to the room, I gently handed Zara over to him and watched as he placed her into the bassinet. I got off the bed and waddled carefully to the linen closet and helped Josh as he changed the sheets on the bed, tossing the ruined set into the garbage. I changed my clothes and climbed back into the bed.

"You know, I think we need to go and get a new bed tomorrow," I yawned.

"Hmm. It can wait until you're ready to get one with me." Josh said as he climbed in next to me.

"Love you, Daddy." I whispered as I drifted off, hoping to catch a few hours before the next feeding.

I lie awake after feeding Zara, watching the light in the room grow slowly brighter. When the light gets bright enough to see what the shapes in the room are, I gently nudge Josh awake.

"Let's all go for a walk. You, me, Zara and Gabby." I quietly suggest. Josh rolls over and looks at the clock.

"It's six thirty."

"It's still warmish out and I feel like a walk with my family."

Josh groaned as he got up. I made coffee and prepped Zara and Gabby for the walk as Josh got the stroller ready.

We leave the house and start a nice leisurely pace down the sidewalk in the half-light of dawn. We reach the end of our street and turn down the cross street, heading to the local park.

The air has the slightest chill to it, a reminder that fall was coming in a few short weeks. Josh pushes the stroller as I walk along side holding Gabby's leash, letting her sniff along the ground as she pleased.

We reach the park and I head for a picnic table where I sit on the table and Gabby falls at my feet, exhausted from the excitement of the trip. Josh pushes the stroller up and puts the brakes on as he sits next to me.

I look up at the vivid baby blue sky, streaked with brilliant baby pink clouds. I sigh deeply, content to the furthest reaches of my soul.

I look down at my beautiful Zara Fern, sleeping peacefully in her stroller. My heart feels like it'll burst with the love I feel in that moment. I look over at my husband, who was watching our child sleep.

"Honey?" I put my hand on his knee, getting his attention.

"Maybe someday we could give Zara a playmate." We both look down at her.

"You really mean it?"

"Yes. I do. I love you and if our first turned out like that, I'd give you ten more if I could."

He looks at me. "Think your body could handle another one? I feel blessed enough with just the two of you, and of course the older ones.

I look back up at the sky, watching as a breeze rustles the tree tops gently. "I've got one more left in me at least."

We stayed, watching as the sky lightened to the brightness of early morning. We headed back home where we crawled into bed, accepting the hour of sleep we'd get before starting our day.

"Everyone is seated and ready," Mel says as she comes back to me. "You look gorgeous, I can't believe you had a baby only a month ago!"

I smile my thanks. "I can't believe that I'm renewing my vows with Josh. I can't believe we've been married for a whole year already." I pushed aside the curtain, peeking out at everybody.

We had been planning this for the last two months, and it felt even more right when, just the week before while at the local park with the kids, my wedding ring fell off my finger and we couldn't find it. Josh went and bought a brand-new ring to replace it and had been hiding it from me.

Mel smiled as I turned back to her, shaking slightly as I took my white and pink rose bouquet from her.

"Why am I so nervous? I'm already married to him!"

Mel shrugged, gave me a hug and followed Kelly down the aisle created by the chairs. I gave myself one last glance over, smoothing my dress out - unbelievably, the same dress I wore exactly a year before. I checked the veil attached to my gorgeous tiara and stepped out of our back door.

Everyone stood and watched as I walked towards Josh. His eyes never left mine as he watched me walk to him. When I reached the end of the aisle, I handed my bouquet to Mel and took Josh's hand as we took the last few steps together. I offered TJ and Joey a quick smile before the ceremony started.

After a brief description of what marriage means, Josh and I exchanged our own vows, a mix of our original and new ones. Then came the time to exchange our rings again. My new ring was a pink heart shaped stone with three small round diamonds on each side on a silver band.  I placed his old silver band back on his finger. The officiate said a few more words before we were allowed to kiss.

After the ceremony, we set out the buffet and the DJ started to play the dance music. After most people had finished eating, Josh and I shared the first dance, and people started joining us on the dance floor.

A few dances in, Scott asked if he could cut in. I nodded my consent and Josh went to sit the rest of the dance out. Scott took my hand and we started to sway to the music.

"This reminds me of prom," I commented. We both laughed.

"I don't think I ever congratulated you."

"Hmm?"

"On your marriage. You seem happy with him."

"Thank you. I am blissfully happy. Disney-movie happy." I smiled, showing I was joking a little with the last comment.

"How did you end up with him? I thought you were dating the other one."

"Lance?"

Scott nodded.

I shrugged. "Lance and I didn't work out. Josh was there for me when it fell apart. I was there for him when his relationship ended. We just kind of...fell into it."

We danced quietly for a short while.

"I'm sorry about what happened between us. It wasn't entirely my idea."

"Oh, I know. I know how your family works. I know what your mother thought of me. The mistake was giving her the opportunity to do it."

Scott nodded.

The song ended and we parted. I joined Josh at the drink station, gracefully taking the soda he offered me. We sat down at our table and watched our family and friends having a good time.

Before long, Karen was bringing Zara to us. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I think she's hungry and we're out of bottles." I took Zara and slipped into the house to feed her in peace.

Zara fed, changed and put down for bed, I changed into more comfortable clothes before heading back out to the party (with a stop to hand the baby monitor over to the sitter). Almost immediately upon returning, Lance swooped in and asked for a dance. I was surprised by the offer, and took it.

As we hit the dance floor, the song ended and "That's When I'll Stop Loving You" started. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared at Lance.

"You set me up!" Lance gave me his best 'who, me?' looks and I started laughing, not really caring too much that he set me up to dance to this particular song.

I let him lead me into the middle of the floor and we started to dance, the distance between us clearly screaming 'friends'.

"Wouldn't want to dance with you to any other song anyways. This song always did make me think of you."

I smiled and we looked at each other for what felt like the first time. His usually vibrant green eyes look like they've been through the ringers.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Lance."

"I didn't ask you to dance to hear that, but thank you. I'm sorry I hurt you. I deserved what you did. I'm sorry I dragged you into the marriage into the first place. We obviously were not ready for it."

"You don't have to apologize for it. I dragged you into it, in the end, remember? And anyways, if we had never gotten married, Josh and I probably never would have ended up together. So thank you for the experience I needed to get where I needed to go."

The song ended and we stay where we are, dancing in silence for a minute.

"I still love you," Lance says.

"And I still love you, as the father of two of my children. I'll always love you for that."

Lance smiled and gave me a quick peck on the forehead. It seemed we were on our way of mending our friendship.

"Time to go, Sam, or we'll be late!" Josh calls from the door.

I finish packing the diaper bag and move over to the crib and smile down at my youngest child.

"Who's ready to get baptized today?"

Zara smiles and gurgles a response and I put the diaper bag over my shoulder and pick her up. I follow Josh out into the bright Florida sun and strap her into the car seat before joining Josh in the front.

"You know where it is, right?" I ask as Josh pulls out.

"Yes. And so does everyone else." he says before I can ask the second question. I sit back and watch the scenery go by.

We arrive at the church with some time to spare. We gather everything up, drop Zara off at the nursery and find Josh's family in the sanctuary.

The service was lovely, and once it was over, I collected Zara and changed her into her dress while waiting for the church to clear out.

When mot everyone had left to continue their Easter celebrations, we all headed back into the sanctuary where they had set up the baptismal bowl. The guys and Josh's family gathered around as TJ and Heather stepped forward as the chosen godparents.

Zara did very well, not even fazed at the water sprinkled in her hair.

The service was a pretty quick one and we were soon heading back to our cars.

"Party at Lance's!" I called as we got into our cars. We were combining Zara's baptism with Aydin and Aurora's birthday party with Easter. The kids were going to have an egg hunt and cake and ice-cream and presents.

The party was fun for all, and it was awesome to see most of my family come together from all over the country for a day of celebration

I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked off the stage, diploma in hand. I had actually done it. Taken enough classes, done all the coursework and not fall off the stage when receiving one of the most important papers I will ever own. I searched the crowd, looking for my husband as I walked back to my seat. He was beaming at me from ear to ear as he held Zara in his lap.

I sat down, not paying too much attention to the ceremony. I let my thoughts wander to the plans for the summer. Now that I wasn't tied down by classes, Josh and I had planned a whole one month vacation in Florida. We were flying down tomorrow to Orlando, where we'll start off for a few days visiting with the guys that are still down there, hitting Disney World with the kids, and just enjoying life.

The ceremony finally ended and everyone started to leave. I got to the front doors, where Josh and I decided to meet to find him trying to blend into the wall, which wasn't going well with a fussy Zara in his arms. I managed my way over to them through the crowd.

"Hey Zara! Mommy's here." I say as I take her off Josh, handing him my diploma. Zara rests her head against my shoulder and starts sucking on her fingers, a sure sign of being overly tired.

"Just a few more minutes and we can go home, sweetie," I soothe, rubbing her back lightly.

"Incoming," Josh mutters as he quickly switches his wedding ring to his right hand. I take my diploma back as two girls come up to us, giggling nervously.

"Ohmigod!" one bursts out. Josh smiles politely at them, waiting to hear what they wanted to say.

"CanIhaveyourautograph?" the second one asks.

"Sure. Do you have something for me to sign?" The girls break into hysterical giggles again and the first one produces a permanent marker from her purse.

"Sign my arm, please?" she pulled her sleeve up, offering it to Josh.

"Um," Josh blinked.

"Oh, go ahead, JC. It's not everyday there's a bonafide celebrity around these parts. Give her the memory of a lifetime!" I say, shifting Zara's weight to keep her on my arm. She had leaned back to watch as the girls arrived.

"Alright, I guess." he said and took her arm in his hand to keep it from bouncing as he signed it.

"Is that your baby?" the second one asked me, waiting her turn.

"Yes."

"She's very cute."

"Thank you."

Josh finished signing the first girl's arm and took the small notebook from the second girl and signed it for her. They thanked him and went off, giggling in their excitement.

"Sorry about that," Josh said as we started towards the car.

"It's nothing, Josh. Comes with the territory."

We reached the car and I got Zara into her seat with minimal fuss. I went around to the passenger side and removed my gown before getting in, tossing it and my cap into the backseat.

"So, where to for dinner, Mrs. Graduate?"

I lean back into the seat and sigh. "Take out is fine. Zara's too tired to go out, and I don't feel like cooking."

"The usual then?" I nodded as he backed out and headed for the exit.

We hit the road, going towards our favorite take-out place and Josh chuckles.

"Someone's worn out." he said, glancing in the rearview mirror.

"She asleep?"

"Yeah. Before we even get to the street almost."

We drove in silence for a few minutes before I start giggling.

"What?"

"You take great care to change your ring to the other hand to prevent things going downhill with the fans."

"Yeah?"

"You forgot to take the diaper bag off your shoulder when those girls were there."

Josh sighed.

"I don't think they noticed too much. For all they know, I'm Heather, and you hung out with your niece for the ceremony."

"The one asked you about Zara though." he hit his hand against the steering wheel. "And she looks too much like me to be my niece."

"So what are you saying. We're going to cancel the trip because there is the slightest possibility that we've been found out? So what? We'd have been in the news long before this if we hadn't decided on one of the states where paparazzi  are few and far in between. I could have easily just transferred to a school in Florida, or LA or wherever. And it's not like you're out touring and releasing albums anyways. Out of sight, out of mind. It's how it works. Nobody paid me any mind when I 'disappeared' suddenly from hanging out with you guys everywhere after I had married Lance. Everyone just assumed we had broken up and he'd gotten too busy to date. And now since you guys are kaput as a functioning band, if you're not Justin, they don't really care!"

Josh got quiet and I stared out the window, trying to figure out where the sudden bust had come from.

We arrived at the restaurant and Josh parked.

"Your usual?" No mistaking his tone, he was upset.

"Josh.." I whispered a plea.

"Yes or no."

"Yes."

He went in and I leaned against the window frame and watched as he placed the order and sat in the waiting area.

I jumped when his phone rang. I picked it up and answered it upon seeing it was Lance calling.

"Hey."

"Oh, hey Sam. I was just calling to check what time you guys are getting in tomorrow?"

"Oh, I honestly don't know. Josh made all the plans. I was busy with finals."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to say congratulations."

"Thanks, Lance. I'll have Josh call you back with the times."

We hung up and I went back to staring out the window at nothing. It wasn't long before Josh came back to the car with the food.

"I'm sorry." I say as he gets back in.

"I know. I'm sorry too."

"For what?"

"For being overprotective. I don't want anything to happen to you or Zara. I've seen how crazy the fans can get if they want."

I put a hand on his arm before speaking. "They're going to find out sooner or later. I was fine hanging in the background with  Lance and while I'm pregnant and have an infant or was in school. Zara's getting older, I'm out of school, I have more time on my hands to be out with you. I can't hide in the house, in the car, in the back my whole life. Neither can Zara or Aydin or Aurora."

"I know. I just don't want Zara or any future kids to grow up in the spotlight either."

"And they won't. You're a great father. Not just to Zara, but Aydin, Aurora, Celine and Scottie too."

"You think so?"

"I do."

The rest of the ride home was silent. We ate our take out while finishing packing, calling Lance back with the times, and after putting Zara down a little early, spent some quality time together before also turning in early.

While on our vacation, Josh and I decided together to start semi-trying for a second baby. We weren't going to keep tracking of my cycle too much, just letting it happen when it was meant to be. I was hoping that it would happen sooner rather than later because I was hoping to have eighteen to twenty-four months or so between Zara and her sibling.

"I'm home!" I called out as I got back from my yearly 'female' exam. Josh comes to the kitchen door, holding a jar of baby food.

"How'd it go?"

I burst into a smile. "I'm pregnant!"

Josh let out a little laugh as he hugged me.

"They had me do the tests a second time, it was barely a positive." I said as I hugged him back. We enjoyed each other's embrace for a moment before I started giggling.

"What?"

"The rate I'm going, we'll have ten kids before I'm thirty! I was hoping soon, but I wasn't expecting immediately."

"Hmm. You do seem to have a knack at it."

I laughed again. "I do, don't I? God, I must be the most fertile woman on the planet."

"Hmm. I think I should call you Myrtle then, Fertile Myrtle."

I slapped him playfully. "Anyways, they think early February. We'll know for sure maybe next month."

"I really love this house." I say as we sit on the backseat of my van which was doubling as the couch for now. I had found a house for sale a few streets away from our house, and after showing it to Josh, we bought it and were moving in.

"I know." He put his arm across the back of the seat and I leaned against him. We watched Zara playing with the box of toys we had brought over with us.

She pulled a ball out of the box and it bounced away from her. Without so much a thought of it, she let go of the box and chased after it.

"Ha! I knew it! I told you she was getting from room to room too fast." I said as Josh just looked surprised.

I got up from the couch to refill my glass with more tea. As I came back, Josh was watching me with a small grin.

"What?"

"Have I ever told you you're the sexiest pregnant woman ever?" I smiled and sat back down.

"Seems like last week was your twenty-sixth."

"Mmm, no. Last week was your twenty-third."

"Mmm." I looked at my watch and sighed. "I better go get the food and stuff. Ice cream or normal cake?"

"Surprise me."

I got up, retrieved my purse and gave Zara a quick kiss. When I straightened, Josh was giving me a playful pout.

"Oh for pete's sake!" I said as I went over and leaned in to kiss him on the forehead and met his lips instead. 

"I'm only going to the store."

"All the more reason."

"Mmm. Later?" I whispered as I kissed his nose. He nodded.

I passed the bakery section on the way to the deli, and a box of cupcakes caught my eye. They were the generic white and chocolate cupcake packages with a toy stuck in the frosting. On these ones, there were pink and blue butterfly rings. I picked up a few packages, figuring we'd get a good giggle out of it before letting the older kids have the rings.

Josh raised an eyebrow at the cupcakes.

"What?"

"Nothing. I mean it!" he added as I gave him a look.

The guys arrived and we just chilled. When it came time for the cake, I brought out a cupcake with a blue ring and a candle and handed it to Josh. We sang 'Happy Birthday' and he blew out the candle. Josh pulled the candle out, licked the frosting off of it, and did the same with the ring, watching me watch him intently. He smiled as I left the living room for the kitchen to retrieve the rest of the cupcakes.

Cupcakes distributed, I took a knife and removed the frosting from mine, offering it to Josh. He declined, and Chris took it. I wrinkled my nose watching him eat it.

"You alright, Sam?" Joey asked.

"Yeah, it's just sugar this time around."

"Means it's a boy." Josh said.

"It means there's going to be very few cookies in your near future."

The guys laughed and we changed the topic and continued to hang out.

We were lying in bed. Josh was reading over something he had written, and I was reading a book. The tv droned on lightly in the background, reporting the local news.

"Josh?" I ask, looking over at him. He puts his notebook down.

"What?"

"I think this is my last baby."

"Okay."

I blinked. "Okay?"

"I feel blessed to be falling asleep every night with you by my side. And twice blessed with Zara," he put his hand on my baby bump, "Thrice blessed with this little one."

I smiled at him.

"I love you."

"And I you, Sam."

"Mind if I kick you out for about fifteen minutes?" Josh asked as I entered the bedroom.

"Not at all. I was just going to grab my towels and robe." I said as I started gathering up my things.

Once in the bathroom, I took my time showering. Once I finished, I wrapped up in my towels and looked in the mirror.

Two years, I thought as I brushed my teeth.  After I did that, I applied a light eye shadow and lip gloss before changing into the sexiest lingerie I could still fit into. As I was slipping my robe on, Josh knocked on the door.

"How much longer?" he asked through the door.

"About thirty seconds!" I answered, tying my robe shut and taking the towel off my head and shaking my hair back.

I opened the door and smiled inwardly as Josh looked me over and adjusted his stance just enough for me to know I had hit the mark.

"Ready, Mrs. Chasez?" he asked, offering his arm. I took it and smiled at him.

"Always, Mr. Chasez." He placed his free hand over my eyes and walked me in the direction of our bedroom. He opened the door and I could smell roses and he took me the last few steps, closing the door behind us as he removed his hand. I opened my eyes and let out a tiny gasp. He had scattered pink rose petals all over the bed, the floor, the night stand and dressers. A couple of candles were lit on each surface and he had put some soft music on low.

"Josh, you didn't have to do this!" I exclaimed as I turned to face him.

"I wanted to. Sam, I can't do enough to show how much I love you." He leaned down and placed a kiss on my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer as I deepened the kiss.

We spent the rest of the night dancing and showing each other exactly how much we loved them.

"I'm home, hon!" Josh calls as the front door shuts. "Sam?" he calls a moment later when I don't answer. He finds me curled up on our bed, breathing slowly and evenly.

"Sam?"

"The baby's coming." I moan as the contraction ends.

"Hospital time?" he asks.

I nodded. "I think so. They're about five minutes apart." I start to get up and Josh helped me. I start in the direction of the door when the doorbell rings.

"Shit! Scott!" I exclaim.

Josh hurries out ahead of me to get the door.

He opens the door and the kids come in, followed by Scott.

"Hey man. Think you could hang out here for the night?" Josh asks.

"What's going on?"

"The baby's coming and I got to get Sam to the hospital and I don't even know where to start with Zara...."

"Sure, no problem." Scott responds.

"JOSH!" I yell as another contraction starts. He hurries over and holds me while I try to breathe through it.

"Get the kids in the car." I grit out. "They're coming with us."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Kids! We have to get back in Daddy's car!" Scott called.

"No, the van. Need both of you in case..." I let the sentence drop as I gasped in pain.

Scott got the kids situated in the van while Josh grabbed my hospital bag and took it out to the van. Both Scott and Josh helped me into the middle seat of the van. I put my headphones on and switched on my cd player and tried to focus more on the sound of Josh's voice (I had his single in the player) and not the pain.

Josh nearly caused in accident only a few blocks from the hospital when he nearly swerved off the road when the sound of a baby's cry filled the van. He pulled into the hospital and up to the ER doors before turning around to see Scott holding our newborn and I'm sure the shocked expressions Scott and Josh both wore were reflected in mine as I sat on the seat blinking at Scott and my child.

"Um. It's a girl?" Scott said as emergency personnel knocked on the window. Josh jumped into action, taking the keys out and jogging around to the door as Scott opened it and handed the baby off to one of the nurses.

They wrapped our baby in a blanket before getting the cord cut and whisked her into the building while they helped me out of the car and into a wheelchair. I heard Josh tell Scott to park the car for him before he followed me in.

They delivered the placenta and checked me over, declaring me fine and admitted me to a private room. Josh joined me shortly after and they brought our daughter in.

"She's perfectly healthy and she wants her mommy!" the nurse says as she brings her to me and places her in my arms. She leaves and Josh moved over to look at her.

"She looks like you," he says, gently stroking her cheek.

"She's got your nose," I say as she blinks up at us.

"What do you think, shall we stick with the name?"

"Yeah, she looks like an Olivia Michelle."

A knock on the door catches our attention. Scott's in the doorway, Zara sleeping on his shoulder and holding onto both Celine and Scottie the best he can. They both looked exausted from the excitement earlier and the late hour. 

"Hey, Scott, man. Thanks." Josh said, taking Zara from him. Celine tried to climb into the bed to see Olivia and I scooted over to let her.

"It's cool. I think that'll definately be a story to tell the grandkids one day, you know?"

"Oh, I'm sure it'll be told to the friends and boys she likes as she grows up." I chime in. The guys laugh and Celine pipes up.

"Daddy, where do babies come from?"

Scott blinks and I pick up for him.

"When two people love each other so much, they do a special dance and if they do the dance correctly, a baby gets put into the Mommy's tummy. The baby is so small you can almost not see it! But the baby grows and grows, until one day, it's big enough and ready to be a baby. So the baby comes out of the Mommy and they have a baby."

"Oh. Okay." She scoots off the bed. "Daddeeee, can we go home now?"

"In a few minutes, Celine. We have to go to Mommy's house first with Daddy JC first."

"Is Mommy coming too?"

"No, you have to go back home with Daddy tonight. Mommy has to stay at the hospital tonight."

"Okay."

Josh gave me a kiss and kissed Olivia before leaving with Scott and the kids. A nurse came shortly afterwards to take Olivia to the nursery and I got comfortable, knowing that tonight would be the last full night of sleep I'd get in a few months. 

"Mommy?"

I opened my eyes to see Zara sitting on my side of the bed, where I had put her when we came in for her nap.

"What, honey?" I ask, propping myself up on one elbow.

"Daddy."

"Daddy's not home. He's in California, sweetie."

She looked up at me and handed me a cd case.

"Daddy?"

I took the case from her and looked down at it. It did have a picture of Josh on the cover. Josh in a straight jacket even. I flipped it over and saw him on the back staring into a camera.

"Yeah, that's Daddy. Where did you get this?"

"There." she said, pointing to my nightstand. There was a note lying on the stand and I picked it up to read.

Sam-

Had a bit of a layover on the way to NY and thought I would surprise you but you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you guys up. Looking like the date is going to stick this time around!

Josh
(track 15)

 I smiled to myself. "So, you're finally going to let me in on what you've done?" I remark under my breath as I start getting up. As I get off the bed, the baby monitor on the dresser alerts me that Olivia was awake. Sighing, I put the CD on the dresser and take Zara with me to the nursery.

Zara and I were in the middle of dinner when the phone rang. I let the machine pick it up, but jumped up and got it when Josh's voice came through the machine.

"Hey," I answered.

"Hey. What did you think?"

"About what?"

"The album."

"Oh! I haven't had a chance to listen yet. The girls were up and I want some time alone to listen."

"Oh."

"You made it there alright?"

"Yeah."

"So when I call you later tonight, you'll be awake?"

"I guess."

I sighed. "I'm sorry I haven't had a spare moment this afternoon. It's the first thing I plan on doing once the girls are in bed though," I dropped my voice a few notches, "Maybe make a bubble bath of my own, put on your album and then call you...."

"Sounds great."

I tried not to sigh again. "Want to say hello to your daughter?"

"Alright."

I handed the phone to Zara and watched her face light up and babble her toddler talk into the phone. The conversation was a short one, and she handed the phone back to me.

"Hello?"

"Still here."

"I've got to get Zara cleaned up and start getting her ready for bed. Call you later?"

"Sure."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

I hung up and cleaned Zara up and let her play while I finished my dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. Then it was bath time followed by a bedtime story and lights out.

A quick check on Olivia showed she was awake again so she got changed and then a quick bottle before going back down to sleep.

Both girls in bed, I start the bath and retrieve my new CD, my player, the phone and the baby monitor. Once everything was set up, I got into the bath, selected track 15 on the disc and listened.

Tell me how long
(How long)
Were we together, before we got together, oh...
Tell me how strong
(How strong)
Have we gone together, since we've been together, oh...

See, I don't care what people say
No one else has ever made me feel the way you do

Think about it, it just make sense
We already know everything about us, oh...

Girl, I'll be right here by your side
(By your side)
Give you all the love I've got to give
I'm swimming in your eyes
Love will blow out all the lights
(All the lights)
And I will keep you satisfied through the night

See I've been watching you
(Watching you)
It's like I can read your mind
You don't have to say a word, oh...

Keep your thoughts right here
Let go all your fears
Just let em go, just let em go, oh...

Pull you close to me, you feel so nice
We'll stay up sipping on red red wine
(Red red wine)

The red stays on your lips my baby
I'll clean them off with my lips, my baby, oh...

I'll be right here by your side
(By your side)
Give you all the love I've got to give
I'm swimming in your eyes
Love will blow out all the lights
(All the lights)
And I will keep you satisfied through the night

(By your side)
Right by your side
(In your eyes)
All through the night
(All the lights)
(Through the night)
So close to me

Right by your side
All through the night, yeah
Oh... 

 My heart just melted as I listened. I listened again before letting the album play through once. I listened to track 15 one more time, my mind catching on the first line and I thought about it. I picked up the phone and called Josh.

"Hello?"

"Three years and five months," I answered.

Josh laughed. "Did you like it?"

"I love it. I love the whole thing."

"It's entirely about you, you know."

I smiled.

"I wish you were here."

"Me too. I'll be home on the 28th, I think."

"Mmm. So that one about 'dripping through the hallways'? Is that about Orlando?"

Josh paused for a second. "Yes."

I smiled, remembering the fun we had that first weekend away together.

"What are you wearing?" Josh asked, his voice deeper than normal.

"Bubbles." I answered back, getting a chuckle from Josh.

We spent a good hour on the phone, the bath water having gone cold long before I finally got out and headed to bed myself.

Lance handed me a disc and kissed my cheek.

"This is for both of you," he said. I took the case from him.

"Thanks. You didn't have to, you know."

"I know, but you're both my friends, and I wanted to."

"You can come in if you want, you know."

"Thanks but no thanks. Have things I need to do today."

I nodded, thanked him and closed the door.

I set the present on the top of the TV to await Josh's arrival to watch and went back to coloring with Zara.

Josh arrived home late, well after the girls were in bed and I had fallen asleep in the living room. He gently shook me awake.

"You're home."

"Ready for bed?"

"Yea-not yet. Lance dropped off a present for us." I started to get up but Josh motioned for me to stay.

"On top of the TV. Looks like a DVD, I moved from the chair to the couch as Josh put the disc into the player and sat down next to me.

The menu came up silently with one item listed on it as "Birthday gift 2004" and Josh hit play.

Right Here (By Your Side) started to play and we exchanged a glance before the slide show caught our attention. Lance had gone through all the old photos and home movies, and even blurred out the other guys in the group photos so that it was just the two of us in focus. As the song ended, Lance appeared on the screen.

"So uh, happy birthday Sam, JC. You guys are some of the best friends a guy could ask for and I hope that every day gives you both the happiness you deserve and bring to each other. God bless."

The screen faded to black before going to the menu again.

"That was...quite possibly the nicest thing he's ever done for us," I whispered.

"Mmhm." Josh hummed.

I looked up at him and snuggled closer as he hit play for us to watch again.

I was sitting on our bed, knees up against my chin, staring at the floor when Josh sat down next to me.

"Happy anniversary Sam."

When I didn't respond, Josh waved his hand in front of my face.

"Oh, sorry." I said as I looked up at him.

Josh's smile vanishes as he looks at me. He scoots closer and pulls me close. I sniffle against his shoulder.

"She's dying, Josh." I whisper. Josh rubs my back.

"Who is?"

"Gabby." I answer. The truth of it sinks in and I start sobbing uncontrollably.

"Oh Sam." He holds me, unable to do anything else but console me.

I cried myself to sleep, and awoke a short time later to find that Josh had gotten me settled in bed and was stretched out next to me, reading.

"Sorry." I say quietly. He puts his book down and looks at me.

"For what?"

"Ruining tonight."

He shrugs. "There will be others." He leans over and kisses my forehead. "You look exhausted. Go back to sleep."

I smiled gently at him and snuggled close to him and drifted off to sleep.



The next couple of days it started to become apparent to everyone that I was right. She stopped eating unless I coaxed her into it. It wasn't long before Zara started asking about what was happening, and I was crying myself to sleep just about every night.

Josh quietly cancelled his work schedule for the month and stayed home to keep an eye on the girls when I was caring for Gabby or too emotional to do what needed to be done.

"Sam?" Josh asked one night after the girls were in bed. I looked up from the TV I was staring at.

"Do you want me to take the girls to Lance's for the time being? It might be easier for you if they weren't around all day."

I shake my head no. "I need you here." I laughed lightly. "I know it seems like I care more for her than you guys right now, but it's not true."

Josh sat on the arm of the chair. "I know. She's a member of the family to us too."

"She was there for me long before you guys were. She was there the night I lost Celine and Scottie. She was there when Lance and I fell apart. I mean, you were there that day, and Mel let me move in with her, but Gabby was the one that would let me hold her when I needed
it." I was quiet for a moment before continuing in a voice just above a whisper, "It feels almost like I'm losing you, watching her go through this...."

Josh rubbed the back of my hand while I spoke. When I finished, he leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

"I'm not going anywhere. If you need me here, I'm here."


The morning of October 13, she started to have trouble breathing. I called the vet and piled everyone into the van and off we went to have her checked out. They weighed her (she lost ten pounds in the past two weeks), checked her over and took her in for x-rays. I heard her yelp as they were doing the x-rays and I quickly wiped the tear that fell at the sound of it.

They returned her after the x-rays were taken, and we waited for the images to develop and the diagnosis.

The diagnosis came - congestive heart failure. The vet was very sympathetic and while writing out prescriptions said that she'd seen some turn right around and live a few more years. I looked at Gabby and knew it wouldn't happen to her, that I didn't want it to happen to her. She had lived a very long life, and has been well loved not only by me but the family I had built up around me, around us. All I wanted at this point was a way of making her final days more comfortable.

We thanked the vet and filled the prescriptions and headed back home.

Once home, I mashed up the pills with one of Gabby's favorite candies - Smarties - to help them go down for any bitter taste the pills would have. She swallowed the powder pretty well and thus set up the routine for the next few days.

The following days saw her breathing improve enough that she seemed to be comfortable. She quit going outside, and instead was spitting up clear and foamy liquid. It saddened me to clean up after her, but I tried to keep in mind that she was acting comfortable and relatively pain-free.

The night of October 18, she made up her mind to go outside and make it to her favorite spot in the backyard. She made it out there, and after pleading with her, she made it up to the patio before lying down and just looking at me. I called Josh over and he held the door for me as I went out barefoot onto the cold concrete and picked her up carefully. Josh held the door as I carried the feather-light Gabby into the house and took her into our bedroom, where I placed her gingerly on her bed, freshly lined with old blankets. I knew the end was coming soon, and that it was the last time she would go outside on her own willpower. I gave her her nightly dose of medicine and got Zara into bed.

The past few weeks had seen a change in my sleeping pattern. I was awaking multiple times throughout the night, sitting bolt upright and looking down at Gabby, checking on her. I knew Josh had noticed, and I was sure it was getting to him, especially on the nights when I would inadvertently throw him off me as I sat up. But he never said a word. 

The morning of October 20, 2004, I awoke to find Gabby lying at a 45 degree angle to the bed, facing me. I knew instantly that the day had come. I spent the day in a haze, waiting for the moment that I knew was near.

It was after I made a quick meal of soup and had eaten it in the bedroom that it happened. I was sitting on the floor next to her, flipping through a magazine when she rolled over onto her side.

"JOSH!" I hollered as I moved instantly to my knees, petting her and reassuring her that I loved her. He came running to the door, phone against his hear.

"Shit." He mumbled before turning back to the phone. "I'll call you back." He hung up and after a quick glance at the living room, joined me on the floor across from Gabby.

"She's gone." I whispered as he sat down. He was up and around Gabby in an instant, holding me as I sobbed. I only stopped when a small voice came from the hall.

"Mommy?" Zara asked, looking unsure of coming into the room. I wiped my tears and beckoned her over.

"Gabby sleepin'?" she asked, looking at Gabby.

"Yes, honey, Gabby's sleeping. She's going to take a very, very long nap and we need to say bye-bye to her now."

Zara nodded and waved at her friend. "Bye, bye Gabby." I broke down into tears again and Josh quietly took Zara out of the room while I removed Gabby's collar and pet her one last time.

"I'll miss you, old friend." I got up, putting the collar on the dresser as I left the room to start making calls.

We made arrangements to have her buried in my parent's back yard, near the gravestone of my other childhood dog. The arrangements made, Josh put the girls to bed as I got into gear, wrapping the body and taking it out to the car for the trip the next morning.

Everything settled, Josh made me a cup of coffee and sat with me as I sat in the living room, staring at our bedroom, trying not to think of having to sleep there that night.

Josh eventually got up and retrieved some Nyquil for me. I took a dose and let Josh lead me into the bed, where I climbed in, fully dressed and he followed, holding me as I let the medication  take hold and for the first time in nearly a month, I got a full night's sleep without waking up once.

The next day was one of the hardest days I had ever gone through. When I looked over at Gabby's bed for the first time, the tears started flowing again. I eventually calmed down enough to get through breakfast and changing clothes before we headed over to my parent's house.

When we arrived, I was surprised to find Mel and Nicole waiting for us.

"Sam, we're so sorry to hear about Gabby. She was an awesome dog. Need any help?"

I glanced back. "Think you could watch the girls? They don't really need to be a part of the hard part."

They nodded and I unlocked the house, letting everyone in. Josh headed for the garage, getting shovels and a wheelbarrow.

We met up after I got the girls settled with a video and toys and we quietly moved Gabby's wrapped body from the trunk and into the wheelbarrow and onto the far back corner of the back yard, where Freckles was buried. I marked off a spot and we started digging.

We worked quietly and efficiently, and soon the hole was deep enough. Josh gently laid Gabby in it, and we covered her with a sheet of plywood to keep animals from digging her up. The tears fell freely as I started shoveling the dirt back into the hole, covering up one of my closest friends. 

When the dirt and grass were back in place, I found four rocks and marked the corners of her grave with them.

I don't remember much of the rest of the day, but Josh told me I pretty much looked like a zombie on autopilot. That he had to talk me into a shower while we were still at my parent's house, and that he joined me to make sure I didn't slip or something. And that once we were home, he had to coax me out of my clothes and into bed, where he held me as I cried myself to sleep again.

The day after the burial, I started to come back around, the shock seeming to start to wear off.

I really owe him one.

I relaxed into the chair after putting the girls down for their afternoon nap. I turned on the tv and put my feet up, determined to have just a few hours to myself on my birthday.

 After flipping through the news channels, I settle on TLC and watched a part of "A Baby Story", not really paying attention to it. The birth happens and instead of the burst of happiness for the family on tv that I normally felt, I felt more sad than anything else. I flip the channel again, thinking about what I was feeling.

Something made me get up and go into the bedroom closet and start shifting things out, getting the step stool and getting up into the attic space. I rooted around as quietly as possible, searching for something I wasn't sure exactly.

I pulled out the box labeled "Samantha; college 2001-3" and put it on the bed, opening it and shifting through it until I found an old notebook.

The notebook my old English professor made us keep. We were free to write whatever we wanted, as much as we wanted, as long as wanted and would never collect it - as long as that's what we were doing on the days she gave us time in her class to do so.

Upon finding the notebook, I sat down and skimmed through the story that I had been writing. Story being a bit loose. If I were to be true to myself, it was more like a fan fiction - an alternate version of the guys and a girl. Truth be told, it had a lot of things in it I wished had happened to me. Like Josh being my first and only. I don't regret Scott or Lance really because then I wouldn't have the older kids. But a tiny tiny part had wished I waited for Josh.

"Ah, Melody. I think I need to finish your story." I comment quietly to the notebook. I set it aside and pack the box back up and start putting everything away. I take the notebook out with me to the living room and started reading it through again.

While reading, the phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello?"

"Sam?"

"Hi Scott."

"I've got the job."

"That's great!"

"Yeah. So, um, what do you think we're going to do this fall?"

"Josh and I were talking about perhaps moving out west."

"Oh? How far 'out west'?"

"L.A."

"L.A.? You?" Scott started laughing.

"I know, right?" I laughed. "But seriously though, we are talking about it."

"That's cool."

"Yeah. Listen- I think the girls are awake so I better go."

"Alright. Call when you've got a moment, we need to discuss some things."

"I know. I will."

We hung up. I sighed, thinking for a moment before dialing Josh's number.

"Happy Birthday," Josh answered.

"Thanks hon." I smiled.

"So what's up?"

"Scott called. He got the job."

"That's cool."

"Yeah. I kind of let it out that we were moving."

"We are?"

"I don't know yet. We need to talk to Scott about this. He's involved too."

Josh sighed, "I know Sam. I'll be back by the end of the week, we can all get together then and talk."

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too."

We hung up and I settled back in to reading my notebook, trying not to think about the sad fuzzy feeling from earlier.

"It's about time," I said, looking up at the clock as Josh walked in. It read 2:25. "Happy birthday, love."

Josh blinked at me. The lights were on and I was sitting on our bed, writing in the notebook. Josh put his things down. "Sorry, you know how I get when I'm writing."

"I'm just happy to see you from time to time this time around," I said as he sat down on the bed to take his shoes off.

"You're the reason the album isn't finished yet." He leaned over and kissed me.

"Mmm. Save that thought, I need to finish this chapter," I say, going back to writing.

"Which chapter is it?"

"Forty-eight. Melody's giving birth. How about you?"

"I got more stuff done."

I stop writing and look up at him.

"I wish you wouldn't be so secretive about work. I tell you all about what I've been writing."

"I want to surprise you if I'd written one about you. You liked it the last time."

"Honey, you admitted to everyone that would listen you 'lie awake and masturbate'. Besides, I had the distraction of school and starting our family." I said, going back to the chapter.

"I love you." Josh said after a moment.

"I love you too. Let me finish this chapter and I'm yours for the rest of the day."

 

When I finished the chapter, I looked up at him and smiled. Josh leaned over and kissed me.

"How's it feel to finally have given birth?"

"Like actual child birth, but without the pain." I smiled.

Josh laughed. I put the notebook aside and kissed him.

"Where were we?" I murmured. I'm rewarded with a smile and a tug closer as he deepened the kiss.

 

There's just something about three am that makes sex just more fun. Spent, Josh and I snuggled close together

"Let's stay up for the entire twenty-four hours today." I whisper.

"Sleep is good though." Josh whispered back.

"Today we're invincible. Nothing can bring us down. I can just feel it."

Josh kissed my cheek, "You know what? I feel it too," he kissed my cheek, "I don't want to miss a minute of this." He held me close. "I love you," he whispered into my ear.

"I love you too." I whispered back.

After a while, I got up and put one of our favorite movies on. We snuggled together as we half watched it. When the movie was over, I glanced at the window to find that it was dawn.

"Feel like going for a walk?" I asked. He glanced at the window before answering.

"Yeah, I do." We dressed, got the girls up and dressed before leashing Zeus and heading out the door. We walked across the front lawn and headed to the beach a few houses away. We walked slowly down the steep hill. Once we got down the hill, I took my shoes off.

The sand was cool as I stepped onto it, looking around. The sun must have rose above the horizon, but where we were it was still hidden behind the trees. The sky was a baby blue to the east, slowly darkening into a navy color in the west. There were a few wisps of clouds that were a pinkish peachy color from the rising sun. What surprised me the most was how still Lake Erie was. As flat as a mill pond, with soft lapping waves at the shore. I walked Zeus over to the water's edge and looked down at it. You could see the rocks at the bottom for the first few feet out. I put my feet into the water and let the cool lake water lap at my feet. For a body of water that had waves usually of one to two feet, the waves at that moment were about three inches. As I stood there, I looked out at the horizon. The lake was the same shade of navy blue it always was there.

Josh and the girls joined me.

"We've been here so many times but it's never been this breathtakingly beautiful," I say. Josh takes my free hand.

"Just proves that today is magical."

I nodded and turned to face him.

"I love you, Joshua."

"I love you, Samantha."

I rose on my toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. After that, I turned my attention to the girls playing in the sand. My heart skipped a beat as it felt ready to burst with the love I had for my family. I looked up at the sky and watched it for a while longer, before the girls got restless. I led Josh and Zeus closer to the hill and saw a nice sized rock. I picked it up and put it in my pocket.

"Girls." I said. Zara and Olivia looked up at me.

"You can each pick out a rock to take home. Do you understand?"

Zara nodded and started digging in the sand again, coming up with a reddish brown sparkly one.

"Oh, that's a pretty one! Let Mommy put it in her pocket until we get home, okay?"

Josh took Olivia's hand and walked with her, picking up a few rocks and offering each one to her until she picked up one on her own. They walked back and Olivia showed me the rock she liked. It was brown with red and black specks in it. I smiled, told Olivia it was pretty and placed it in my pocket with the other two. I took one last look around, burning the image into my memory, before we headed back up the hill.

At the top of the hill, we let the girls and Zeus take a breather while I put my shoes back on. About halfway to the street, a raccoon came out of the neighbor's bushes. I let go of Josh's hand and used both hands to keep Zeus back as he barked once at the raccoon before quieting at the tug on his collar. The raccoon looked over at us before turning around and heading in the other direction.

Back home, I unhooked Zeus as Josh took the girls back up to their bedrooms as it was only seven and they were yawning again. I washed the three rocks and dried them off, placing them on the dresser in our room. As I was placing them there, Josh returned to the room and stretched out on the unmade bed and as soon as I was satisfied with the arrangement, I joined him to watch the news.

Around eight the girls got back up and we had breakfast - pop tarts for me and omelets all around for everyone else. Breakfast cleared up, Josh and I spent the next hour and a half playing dress up with the girls.

Around ten, I started getting ready to head to work. I was working part time as a secretary at one of the local businesses. The person I was filling in for had been on maternity leave and was starting to phase herself back in, working mornings while I did the afternoons.

Josh and I made plans for a late lunch at the Chinese place down the street from work. At eleven, I kissed them good bye and took Josh's car to work.

While I worked, Josh made the girls lunch and while they were napping continued to pack up the house. We were planning on moving in six weeks and had a lot left to do.

Mid-afternoon arrived with Josh and the girls bringing me lunch. Once I was ready to leave, we headed down the street to a school where Josh and I ate while watching the girls play on the playground. Lunch was over all too soon and I had to head back for the last hour at work and the rest of my family headed back home.

When I arrived home after work, I started a dinner for the girls. Once they were eating, I started prepping the food for everyone else. Lance, Scott and Joey were going to come over for Josh's birthday. Dinner in the oven, I ran down the street to the library to pick up the hold that had come in for me. When I got back, Lance and Joey were there with the twins. Not long after, Scott arrived with Celine and Scottie. The kids took off in the direction of the playroom and the rest of us ate and reminisced. Scott seemed amused at the stories the guys had about their early tour days, and I chimed in whenever I had something to add.

Once dinner was finished, we brought out the presents. I waited until after he had opened the rest before pulling out the rock from this morning and handing it to him.  He unwrapped the quick job I did on it and just looked up at me with his piercing blue eyes when he opened it.

"So you don't forget what we are," I said quietly. He just looked more confused and I sat on the chair arm, taking the rock from him.

"My love for you is as solid as this rock and has as many layers as it does. And the sparkles are all the good things I see when I look or think of you," I explained. I saw the guys exchanged puzzled glances out of the corner of my eye, but I ignored them, keeping my focus on Josh as he took the rock back and looked it over. After giving it a once over, he turned his gaze back to me and pulled me into his lap with a tug of my shirt. He kissed me throughly, and before pulling back completely he whispered in my ear "I love you like a rock too." I smiled as I got off his lap. He handed me the rock and I placed it on the entertainment center, next to the pink candle that held both my engagement ring and the plastic butterfly rings from two years earlier.

After the presents, I brought out the cakes. I bought two medium sized ones. The first I had ordered had a dog on it and the wording "Pretty awesome, no?" and the second one had a picture of me - a picture that Lance had taken one day when I was just waking up and I looked drunk - and the words "Glad you finally took your eyes off of the bitches! Happy Birthday Joshua!"

We all laughed as I lit the candles on both cakes. We sang 'Happy Birthday' to Josh and he blew out the candles, cut the cake and we all sat back and enjoyed the cake. The cake done, we hung out in the living room with coffee/tea/soda and watched as the kids played themselves out, talking about nothing of importance.

"You know, this isn't how I imagined my twenty-ninth," Josh brought up.

"It isn't?" I asked.

"No, I used to imagine drinking, the party scene, the usual." I nodded. "I think I like how today has turned out better though." he took my hand and leaned in and whispered "Feeling invincible, while awesome, is nothing as to spending the day with you." I smiled my answer as he let go of my hand and put his arm around my shoulders and I leaned in, resting my head on his shoulder.

By nine thirty, all six kids were asleep, scattered about the room from watching the tv (Celine) to Lance's lap (Aydin).

"Well, I think I better be getting these two home." Lance said, manovering Aydin to Joey so he could get up. I scooped up Aurora from her place underneath the coffee table and followed Lance to his car and strapped her in while he did Aydin.

"You didn't have to help." Lance said as we worked.

"They're my children to, Lance, or did you forget that?"

"How can I when AJ looks just like you?" he said, closing the door. I closed mine and walked around to his side.

"I'm sorry," I respond quietly.

"For what?"

"Giving you a constant reminder of the biggest mistake of your life."

He gave me a hug. "Don't be sorry about it." he let me go and climbed into the driver's seat.

"You sure?"

"Postitively. We may have been a mistake, but those two back there are most definitely not." He looked towards the house before continuing. "I'm surprised C isn't sending someone out here to check on us."

"That's something Josh and I have that we never did. Trust. I trust him as much as he trusts me. When he's off who knows where for writing or a gig or something, I know he won't cheat on me. He trusts me and knows both of us well enough to know we never do anything more than talk," I eyed him for a moment "You never had the guys spying on me when I was spending time with Celine when we were dating."

"No, never. Besides, you couldn't get more pregnant back then either."

I rolled my eyes. "And yet, the one truly by my side when I needed someone? Josh."

"Well, you are two peas in a pod," he paused. "He really loves you, too."

"I know," I smiled. Lance started his car.

"So the 26th for Zara's?"

I nodded. "At the park. Who knows what state of disarray the house will be in by then."

Lance nodded and pulled away, taking our kids home.

I returned to the house to find the girls still zonked out in the living room, Scott trying to wake Scottie up enough to leave, Celine watching TV again, and Joey and Josh deep in truly on the sofa. I started cleaning up the plates and silverware around the room, leaving them in the sink as Scott got Scottie up. I hugged my older children good night and they shuffled sleepily out to their father's car.

I sighed as I picked up Olivia and carried her off to bed. As I left her room, I nearly bumped into Josh carrying Zara into her room. I followed him and watched from the doorway as he tucked his first born in for the night. The soft caress he gave the top of her head gave away how much he loved her. It was as clear as day to everyone. What did Lance say earlier? 'He really loves you'. Lance could see it as if it were written into stone.

Josh turned and saw me standing there. He walked quietly over to where I was standing.

"What's on the agenda for the rest of the day?"

"What do you want?" I asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I sighed and leaned into him a little.

"Whatever you want, hon."

"Well, we could get rid of Joe, make some tea and see what happens from there...." I whisper, grinding against him slightly.

"Sounds great," he says, his voice an octave lower than usual. He let me go and as we headed back into the living room, he let a hand rest on my hip as he walked in behind me. I could practically see the look he gave me as I sashayed to the kitchen to do the dishes while he almost subtlety acted tired and gave Joey the hint to go back to Lance's. He got the hint and left as I started the tea.

Josh joined me in the kitchen after he left and pinned me against the sink as I filled the kettle. One passionate kiss later, and it was a giggle fest as we raced to the bedroom, clothes flying off as we ran. Lips met lips as I reached the bed first and fell backwards onto it, Josh following.

The rest of the night was spent in each other's arms, both of us showing the other exactly how we felt for them. As my eyes drifted closed in the early morning hours, I knew that the day had brought us closer together as a couple, as a family, on levels that we weren't before.

"Grandpa didn't make it," I said as I hung up the phone. Josh hung his head. When he looked up at me, he looked more upset than I felt in the state of shock I was in.

"So what do we do?"

I sighed as I sat down next to him. "I need to move in with Grandma for a few weeks, at least. Help her get everything sorted out." I rubbed my face as I continued. "It's going to be crazy this week. Mum and my aunt and uncles and cousins and relatives I've never met...."

Josh rubbed my back gently. "I'm really sorry about your grandfather."

"Thank you." I leaned against him for a moment before getting up and going to our bedroom to start making calls.

I emerged from the bedroom a few hours later, my eyes sore and puffy from the tears shed making the calls, and grabbed a slice of the pizza from the box. I had it half eaten before Josh came in the back door with the girls. He ushered them into the living room and stood next to me.

"Grandma's got a meeting with the funeral home tomorrow. They're shooting for the funeral to be on Friday at their church." I said, picking the toppings off the pizza and not making eye contact.

"So when are you going out there?" Josh whispered.

"Tomorrow. Mum and my aunt are spending the night there tonight, and I'm joining them in the morning for the meetings and then cleaning and organizing the house." I laughed. "More cleaning! I should have gone to maid school!"

Josh removed the pizza from my hand and pulled me against him and I let a few tears fall as he held me.

"You know I do have to do this, don't you?" I asked quietly.

He kissed the top of my head. "I know. You know I'd follow with the girls if I could."

I nodded, "It'll be too chaotic as it is."

I straightened back up and finished my pizza as he started the bedtime routine for the girls.

That night, the tears came afresh as I thought about my grandfather - one of the two family members I was closet to - being gone. 

"I love you," I said as Josh and I rocked back and forth on the porch swing over looking my grandmother's backyard. We were grabbing a few moments to ourselves while Celine, Scottie, Zara and Olivia were playing in the bedroom behind us and my grandmother was taking a walk.

"I love you too. I miss you." Josh answered.

"I miss you too."

We rocked quietly for a few minutes.

"A few more days and I can leave, I think."

"Oh?"

"My aunt is going to pop in on her from time to time, and call a few times a week. My mother too, since they're back. God, that feels weird knowing they're home and not just for a day or so before going off again." My father had lost his job a few weeks before, and mom had gotten a promotion that meant she didn't have to travel all the time.

"Yeah." Josh agreed.

"Talk about timing. I've spent seven years wishing they'd notice me, stay home long enough that they could meet their grandchildren and once they finally do, I'm packing house and moving three thousand miles away!" I burst out.

Josh sat quietly, knowing that as soon as I was done with the mini tirade, I'd be done with the subject. I sighed and rested my head on his shoulder.

"So many times I thought I held it in my hands but just like grains of sand, love slipped through my fingers..." I whispered, causing Josh to chuckle.

"I don't care what tomorrow brings as long as we're together my heart is telling me that you could be my meant to be..." he sang softly.

I smiled and squeezed his hand, and he returned the squeeze.

"You know, the guys never believed that those were our original vows," Josh said.

"It spoke to me back then. It still does."

"Of all the songs and poems in the world, you had to pick one of our songs."

"It fit how I was feeling that week. I had to remind myself to breathe all the time. I'm surprised I didn't end up in the hospital since every time I looked at you my heart would skip a beat."

"Did it really?"

"Still does sometimes, if I'm honest." I smiled and looked up at him. He smiled back and we sat together in a comfortable silence until the kids started to fight and it was time for him to take them back home.

I tried to juggle Olivia and a bag of groceries as I picked up the phone to check the caller ID. My mother. Sighing, I answered it.

"Mom, I don't have the time to talk right now. I've just got-"

"Your father has cancer." Mom interjected. I stopped dead in my tracks. 

"When did this happen? What kind of cancer?"

"Well, he was outside doing yard work and he thought he pulled a muscle in his back and took it easy for a few days. When it didn't get better, I took him to the doctor and it turns out he had broken his hip."

I sighed as I put Olivia down on the sofa for a nap before retreating to the kitchen, the bag of groceries forgotten as I listened.

"When was this?" I asked.

"Beginning of October, I think." So right after I left. Of course.  "They've been running tests on him for the last month. Last week they gave up trying to find the original culprit."

"Original culprit? Mom, it's cancer."

"I know, sweetie. But it's everywhere and they were trying to find where it started and-"

"It's not a good outlook." I finished the sentence for her.

"No, I'm afraid not. The doctors are saying six months if he's lucky."

"I'm sorry, Mom."

"Thanks, honey. Do you want to talk to him?"

"Sure." I waited as she handed the phone to Dad.

"Hello?"

"Daddy," the old word came from my lips and I heard my voice quiver a little as I said it.

"Samantha."

"How are you feeling?" I asked, trying not to break down.

"Alright at the moment, how are you? How are the kids?"

"We're all fine. Celine and Scottie are adjusting to school very well, Aydin and Aurora are still with Lance, Zara's in a part time preschool already, and Olivia's doing just great."

"That's good. I'm really proud of you, Sam."

"Thanks, Dad. Look, I've got to run, I've got to pick up Zara from school and start dinner. Love you."

"Okay. Love you too, Sam."

We hung up. I put the food away before maneuvering a sleeping toddler back into the car for the ride to the school. I called Lance and asked if he'd watch the girls for an hour or so, I had to talk to Josh and I knew he wouldn't be home until late.

 The girls with Lance, I headed to the studio I knew Josh was at. The receptionist directed me to the one he was in, and I waited in clear sight of Josh while he finished recording the demo he was working on.

"What brings you here?" he asked as he came out of the room.

"I need to go back home for a few days."

"Oh. And this sudden need to go home?"

"My mother called today. Dad's got cancer and it's not looking good."

Josh's mouth dropped open at the news and he quickly pulled me into a hug, stroking my hair gently.

"When do you want to go?" Josh asked quietly.

"As soon as I can get things set up. They're saying six months if he's lucky, but I've got a feeling he's got less than that."

Josh pulled away enough to see my face. "Go book a flight. I'll take care of everything here."

I shook my head. "I'll get it done." I kissed his cheek and pulled away. "Dinner will be in the fridge when you get home. I'll be in the bed. I've got to go, I told Lance I'd only be about an hour and I need to beat the bus home." Josh kissed my forehead and I returned to my car to head back to the house.

That evening after homework was finished and dinner eaten, I called around, hiring the sitter/nanny that Lance recommended and used for the twins, booking my ticket to Ohio for the next evening and things I knew needed to be done before I left.

Yells filled the house, announcing to Dad and I that Josh had made it with the kids. I closed the fridge door and headed to the front door, being ambushed along the way by Celine.

"Happy birthday, sweetie!" I said as she hugged me. "Did you have a good flight?" She nodded as Scottie followed her lead and hugged me around the legs.

"Missed Mommy!" his comment muffled by his coat and my leg.

"I missed you too, Scottie. Let's take these coats off, okay?" They let go and took their coats off, handing them to me before running off towards the kitchen. I chuckled to myself and headed to the hall closet with the coats.

I made it to the hall and started to put the coats away.

"Merry Christmas, Sam." Lance's bass came from behind me. I turned around.

"Lance!" I hugged him. "I didn't know you were coming!"

He hugged me back. "I couldn't let Aydin and Aurora miss their last Christmas with their grandpa. Besides, C needed the help at the airport."

I laughed at the thought of Josh trying to cohort three kids into behaving through security.

"What's so funny?" Josh asked, coming from the living room.

"You are," I said, moving from Lance to Josh, giving him a quick peck on the lips with the hug. "Imagining you trying to keep track of the kids at LAX."

I was saved from Josh's retort by the doorbell. I answered it, letting Scott in.

"How is he today?" Scott asked, stepping in and stomping the snow off his shoes.

"It's a good day today. He's up and moving on his own. But he'd be better off if he'd quit smoking. The doctors said he should, and go on the patch, but he refuses to."

"Isn't he on oxygen?"

"Yes. He'll be puffing away at his cigarette with the oxygen going." I rolled my eyes. "There's no convincing him otherwise."

The guys all exchanged glances and I hung up Scott's coat along with the other ones and we headed into the living room.

Mom was helping Dad into his chair before hooking him up to the second oxygen tank we kept near there for him. He started to pull out a cigarette, but I was at his side in no time.

"No smoking around the kids, Dad. If you need the fix, we have a box of patches you can have for today." I said as I confiscated the pack and searching his pockets for more. Satisfied that there were none, I put the pack on the top of the grandfather clock. Dad grumbled at the idea of the patch, but seemed to be alright with the change in his plans.

"Did you see who came, Chris? Lance is here. You remember Lance. He's Aydin and Aurora's father. And Scott and Josh are here too. Everyone's here for Celine's seventh birthday." Mom said, distracting Dad from the loss of his favorite pastime.

Dad grunted at the guys and I left the room to check on Olivia. As I expected, she was awake and ready for a change.

"Guess who's here, Olivia! Oof, I can not wait until you're potty trained," I said as I changed her diaper. I smiled. "Celine and Scottie and Aydin and Aurora and Zara and Daddy and Uncles Lance and Scott are here!"

"'Ara?" Zara was her favorite playmate at the moment.

"Yep. Zara's here. She came all the way here for Celine's birthday and then Christmas!"

"Present?"

"Yep. Santa leaves presents for Christmas." I finished changing and redressing her. I led her out to the living room, where everyone had gathered. Olivia immediately dived into the legos the other kids were playing with and I sat on the couch next to Josh.

The adults chatted while the kids played and burned up energy.

After awhile, I pulled out the cake. We sang 'Happy Birthday' to Celine, and after the cake, we brought out the presents. Godfather Chris sent her a movie, and she wanted to watch it, so we put the movie on. Not too long into the movie, Dad returned to bed, the excitement (and lack of cigarettes) having worn him out.

The kids occupied again, the adults settled in again. Josh and I took the love seat this time and I draped my legs over his lap underneath a blanket. Josh slipped one hand under the blanket and was drawing circles lightly over my skin on the side of my knee for a few minutes before starting to move it slowly up my leg. I gave an involuntary shudder as his fingers reached where my leg met my hip. I stole a glance at Josh to see him obviously hiding a smile as he continued working his finger up my hip.

Returning my attention to the conversation, my eyes met Lance's as he studied me. As our eyes met, he turned his attention to Josh. Fingers slipped underneath the edge of my underwear and I tried not to let the change of location show on my face. It must have though because not more than five seconds later-

"JayCee." Lance said, causing Josh to jump and pull his hand back into his lap. Everyone's attention turned to us.

"What is it, Jimmy?" I asked, the seldom used nickname rewarding me with a bit of a glare.

"Nothing," Lance finally grumbled after a miniature stare down between us.

Josh kept his hands below mid-thigh for the next few minutes before Olivia joined us, climbing into our lap and leaning against Josh, sucking on her thumb.

"Are you sleepy, Miss Livie?" I asked, gently running a hand through her hair. She yawned and I smiled. A glance at the clock told me it was later than I thought it was.

"Well, no wonder you're sleepy! It's nearly bedtime already. Come on, let's go say goodnight to everyone." She scooted off our laps and I got up as well. She hugged her siblings, Scott, Lance and Josh before waiting for me to pick her up and carry her down the hall to my parent's room. She hugged my parents good-night and we headed to the guest room where I sung to her quietly as we changed for bed. She was asleep almost as soon as she was tucked into the toddler-sized bed.

When I returned to the living room, everyone was hugging everyone, Scott and Lance were getting ready to leave with their respective children. I hugged my children good-night and helped get them ready to leave as Josh took care of Zara's bedtime routine.

Everyone gone and the girls in bed, I got down to business, loading the dishwasher and picking up the stray bits of paper and tiding up. Josh got his coat on and brought in the suitcases from his rental car, and joined me on the couch for a cup of hot chocolate and the news. When the news was over, we also turned in for the night.

About one thirty am, I was awoken by movement on the bed. A tiny head rested on my pillow next to mine and I sat up, turning the light on. Zara climbed into my lap.

"What's the matter, honey? Did you have a bad dream?" She nodded and I told her to tell me what happened. As she described it, I gently ran fingers through her hair. At some point, Josh awoke long enough to mumble something nonsensical about lobsters in his sleep and we giggled at him. Zara calmed down enough, I turned the light off and we laid down and I whispered imagery of a town made of ice cream to her until she fell asleep, and I followed soon after.

"I can't believe it's New Year's," Josh said as he brought the end of the dishes into the kitchen. I smiled at him as I started rinsing them off, trying not to get anything on my new outfit.

"I hope they leave Sandy alone. You know how they can get around new people." 

"Sam, they're guys, not dogs," Josh responded before we dissolved into laughter. 

"Jay-Cee!" Justin called from the general area of the foyer. Josh, still chuckling, went to see what J wanted while I finished up the dishes.

After starting the dishwasher, I joined everyone. I found Sandy looking a bit intimidated and went over to her.

"Oi!" I called out, getting everyone's attention. "Guys, this is Sandy. Sandy this is Pineapple, Jello, Canary, Ma, Pa, Shimmie, Ghetto Booty, Mr. Clean, Norm and I'm sure you remember Big Boy," I said, pointing to Chris, Joey, Kelly, Karen, Roy, Lance, Justin, Tyler, Heather and Josh in turn. Everyone exchanged hellos and I sat next to Sandy.

"You've got a nice house," she said after a moment.

"Oh, I don't live here. Used to though. When we moved out, we sold the house to Josh's friend and former bandmate, Lance so he'd have somewhere close by to be whenever he was in town with the twins. Lance is letting us host the party so that my parents can have the night in peace."

Sandy nodded, then asked a few more questions about what I've been up to since graduating college. I excused myself when Zara fell asleep and I went upstairs to tuck her into bed next to Brianna Fatone in her old bedroom. When I came back downstairs, someone had started music and the more tipsy of the adults had shoved the furniture to the wall and were dancing on the improvised dance floor.

Sandy hung back near the stereo, so we let her be the DJ as the night wore on. At one point, I managed to drag her out from the fringe and dance with Kelly, Heather and I for Mambo No. 5.

At ten to midnight, I cut the music for a toast.

"2005 was full of surprises and changes. Tonight, we celebrate that we lived through another 365 days and handled everything life threw our way. Let's hope that 2006 will be just as fun as 2005. To the good, the bad and the ugly in 2006!" I raised my glass of champagne and everyone followed before taking a sip.

I put another song on before giggling at the idea I just had. As the song went on, I searched Lance's music collection for the CD I knew he had (and never used). And giggled the entire time as I put the disc into the changer and programmed in the song I wanted.

I was rewarded with the reaction I wanted as the opening notes of "Bye Bye Bye" started to play. A mixture of groans and chuckles as most glanced over to see who put the song on. I shrugged and shouted over the music, "It's better than Auld Lang Syne!".

I was never sure of who started it, but by the end of the song, we were all singing along and doing the hand motions to the dance by the end of the song.

As midnight neared, we switched the TV on to watch the ball drop. As it reached the bottom, we whished each other a happy new year. Josh pulled me to him and I fell into his lap as he sat on the sofa and we spent the next five minutes wishing each other the world.

When we came up for air, I decided to go for my traditional walk. I put on my shoes and grabbed my coat. Josh joined me for a stroll around our former backyard. We walked in silence, hand in hand.

"I can't believe you turn thirty this year," I say as we reach the back half of the yard.

"I know. Time keeps going by so fast."

 I nodded and looked up at the mostly cloudy sky.

"Penny for your thoughts," Josh said.

I smiled. "Didn't you know the price went up fifteen minutes ago?" Josh laughed and I sighed. "I'm just thinking about what I said on my birthday. About dedicating my year to the music, to enjoy the ride it takes me on. And everything that's happened since then."

"Mmhm. What about it?"

"That it's been worth it. I'm going to renew that right now. I don't want this journey to end. I love it and I love you." I stopped and faced him. He turned to face me.

"I love you, Sam. If renewing that promise is what you want to do, then do it." He searched my face in the dark light from the house. "I know how you feel. I went through it writing Schizophrenic. You let me go then, and I had to let you go this September when you had to go help your grandma."

"I just knew I had to let you go. I could see the raw music, the creative current in your eyes. Music is who you are. Just as I'm a writer. It's part of who we are." I said, watching the little I could see of his face in the half-light. He leaned in and placed a kiss on my forehead. 

"Must be why we're so good together. We have the same creativity in us," he said as we started walking again.

"Mmm. And we both know what it's like to need to get it out, let it out for the world to see." I sensed Josh nod.

We walked the rest of the way in silence, quietly rejoining the party. Lance cornered me for a dance. I laughed as Nickelback came on.

"What are you doing with Nickelback?"

He shrugged. "Must have picked it up somewhere."

As the song wound down, I told him he had to sing whatever came on next, and started to laugh as "Stacy's Mom" started. He threw a fake dark glance at Sandy (still hanging near the stereo) and started singing along.

His voice could still send a chill down my spine. Even though I could have matched him, note for note, once upon a time.

As the party started to wind down, Josh, more than a little tipsy, and I started flinging lyrics back and forth between us. It ended with a complete giggle meltdown as he started to quote his own songs.

I felt the matteress move as Josh eased himself onto it.

"Something's bothering you."

I turned my head and faced him.

"What makes you say that?"

"You're lying here on your back, staring at the ceiling while there's a book in your lap."

I sat up, moving the book to the nightstand.

"I had another feeling thing," I started. Josh looked confused.

"The ones I've been having the past six months? It started with wanting to hold a baby back on my birthday."

"Ah. Those ones," Josh says.

"Yeah. Anyways, I had another one on Saturday. I was just thinking how Olivia's going to be two on Saturday and I just felt sad, I suppose."

"Our little girl is growing up."

"Yeah, but that wasn't why I was sad. I miss something. Something I never thought I'd say-" I chuckled once before continuing, "I miss breastfeeding."

Josh blinked as I watched him. "You miss breastfeeding."

"I do. It's a pain, literally, but the way you bond with your child. I miss it."

Josh nodded. "Alright."

"But that doesn't bother me so much as the other thing," I added.

"What other thing?"

"You remember that one night we were all hanging together, it must have been oh, right after Lance and I started dating, and we were talking about what we wanted in life?"

"I think so, yeah."

"I said I could see you with two children?"

Josh nods, his eyes not leaving mine, clearly curious as to where this was going.

"I can see you with three now," I whisper.

"I've got six, Sam. Same as you."

I smile to myself at the sentiment behind his comment. "I mean biologically."

"And?"

"Seven doesn't seem that bad." I rush out. Josh's eyebrows scrunch up in the way that meant he was thinking.

"So you're saying you want to try for another one?"

"I think something is telling me to. You know that I've hated that I did 'the snip'. I know six are more than enough for anybody, but I just...I don't know, a small part of me wishes all of them were yours." I looked down, startled by what had slipped out.

Josh gave a short laugh.

"I didn't mean that!" I quickly added.

"Sam, it's alright. And as far as I see, I do have six children. I don't love the girls any more than I do Scott or Lance's."

"I know," I replied quietly. We watched each other for a moment.

"Even if we decide to go for another one, there is the fact you can't get pregnant."

"They have needles long enough we can bypass the tubes with," I couldn't help the smile as Josh visibly scrunched his nose at the thought. "Good thing that'll be on my end and not yours."

"I'm never going to live that down, am I?"

"Probably not." I sobered up again. "Are we seriously considering this?"

"I think so. We've been talking about adopting lately," I nodded. "So we have been thinking about another child, though I thought we were thinking on the older side."

"We were."

"But?"

"Something is pulling me towards giving IVF a try. I'm willing to do the infant thing again, if you are."

Josh sighed as he got off the bed and walked to the window, scratching the back of his head as he thought. I watched him for what felt like hours before he turned back to me.

"What happens if we try it and it doesn't work right away?"

"Then I accept it and we move on."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I'm happy with what I have, I really am. It's this feeling I've got to give it a shot is all. I've learned to trust it over the years."

"Woman's intuition?"

"I guess," I got up and stood next to him at the window, looking out at the back yard. "I know it's not the best idea, I know I should be more than happy with how blessed I am. And I am happy. It's just my heart is telling me to go for it, take the risk, see what happens." I glanced over at Josh. "It's what I felt in 2001 when I walked into my living room to find someone sitting on the couch. I'm not saying that we should go for it until it works. I'm just asking for one shot at it. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, the attempt of trying it should quiet whatever it is that's telling me to do it."

"You said when you were pregnant with Olivia that your body couldn't handle another baby-"

"Two and a half years ago. This is the longest I've gone between pregnancies since I was seventeen. I'm twenty-five, I'm in my prime."

"We could do a surrogate."

"We could, but I'd be too anxious. If we're going to do it, I want to be able to control what our child is exposed to."

Josh exhaled and searched my eyes. I saw fear flicker across his for a nanosecond before he exhaled. "I guess I'm in then. Let's give it one shot."

I smiled and hugged him. "Just one, I promise."

Mom-

Sam and I have some news to share. You're going to have another grandchild this fall. Surprise! You're probably wondering how or even why too.

See, we had been talking about adoption seriously for a few months. Sam's intuition, or whatever you want to call it, led her to think about trying for one herself. After a long discussion one night we decided to give it one try. She went in and had tests done to see if it would be a viable option. The tests all came back as they needed to be, and after a few days of shots, we had an appointment together. They harvested a couple of eggs from her while I was in another room. Mom, the needles they used had to be the longest ones ever.

He's just glad that he wasn't the one that had to be poked. He just won't admit it.

Whatever, Sam. When both of us were finished with our separate parts, they whisked them off to do whatever it was they were doin---

They checked the eggs over to see if they were indeed ready for fertilization and did a sperm count before they combined them with the tv thing. That was just weird.

It was surreal, seeing the start of a life like that. And a life you were creating just made it even more powerful, I think.

Agreed.

Once fertilized, they used a syringe and an ultrasound to insert the fertilized eggs into Sam.

And he didn't run from the room or faint!

Anyways, today she went in for a pregnancy test and it turned up positive. The due date is set for October 6 right now, and we'll know more soon. We wanted you guys as well as Sam's parents to be the firsts to know.

We love you and will talk soon!

Josh and Sam

I read over the letter we just finished.

"You know, maybe we should just call and tell them like my parents."

"Yeah, probably."

I put the letter down and scooted my chair closer to his and rested my head on his shoulder. He put his arm along the back of my chair and we sat there for a few minutes, enjoying the quiet company of each other in the quiet post-bedtime house.

"Shit." I grabbed my phone. I knew without looking at it who was calling and why. I let it finish ringing as I rushed to a quieter place just outside the cafeteria.

I called my mother back as soon as I was alone in the hallway.

"Mom?"

"Sam?"

"What's going on?"

"What?" she was breaking up.

"HOLD ON A MINUTE," I waved to another volunteer motioning that I was heading outside and she nodded. Once outside, I started over again.

"Can you hear me now?"

"Yes. Sam-" I took a deep breath as I prepared for what I knew was coming. "Your dad died."

"Oh. I'm sorry, Mom."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry there's nothing I can do at the moment. I'll be home as soon as possible though."

"Alright. Love you, sweetie."

"I love you too. I'll see you soon."

We hung up and I immediately called Josh.

"Dad's gone," I whisper into the phone.

"Aw, I'm so sorry. Do you want to come home now?"

"No," I say, shaking my head. "No. I need to do something productive. If I came home I'd just pace."

"Alright. "

"I do need to head back to Ohio for this though. Probably a week at least. Could you get the tickets worked out?"

"No problem, Sam. I'll get it taken care of. Don't work too hard tonight, alright?"

"I know," I whispered. "Take it easy. I'm prepping the desserts and then doing the ticket table. Doesn't get more low-impact than that."

"Mmkay. Call if you need anything, okay?"

"Yeah. Love you."

"Love you too."

Clicking my phone shut, I returned to the cafeteria, where they were underway the rehearsal for the cabaret show. The proceeds from the tickets were going into the choir booster club's treasury. I was the youngest volunteer there, since the rest were parents of the high schoolers in the show, but I had called and asked if they needed help. I believed in giving music students the chances they deserved as much as the guys, and was disheartened to discover how hard it was to keep money coming in for the music programs in our district alone.

The desserts finished and still a bit of time left before the audience were due to start arriving, I did a few errands that had me going all across the school, just to keep busy and not thinking about my parents.

Finally, it was time to do the ticket table. Most people had bought advance tickets, so it was just collecting them and checking off a list. Near the time the show was supposed to start, someone placed cash on the table and asked for two tickets. I got the tickets ready and paused when I looked up to nod the person in, seeing Chris standing there with Josh.

"Didn't know you were in town," I said to Chris.

He flicked his head towards Josh. "He asked me to come out with him."

"Aww, adorable. Where's the kids? Don't say Lance has them..."

"No, I called in a favor with someone else," Josh said, taking the seat next to mine at the table.

"Ah, I see. You called Justin."

"Tyler."

"Ah. Look, you two, the show is about to start, so you better see if you can find seats."

"I'm good," Josh said, taking my hand into his under the table. I looked up at Chris.

"Sorry to hear about your dad, Sam." I nodded, giving him a small smile, and he took a seat at the table closest to the entrance. Josh stayed next to me as I counted up the tickets and money, admitting one last person before closing up the money box and taking it to the person in charge.

My duties over with for the time being, I grabbed a couple of desserts and joined Josh and Chris at the table and watched the show. The kids were all very good, and all too soon the show was over and people were leaving,  and cleanup began. I supervised the beginning of it, finally helping when it came time to move the wooden dividers back to where they were supposed to be. Josh and Chris pitched in, and I let myself loosen up a little, giggling as I climbed into the center of mine and walked it to it's place, giving the appearance that it was moving on it's own. Since I was unable to see where I was going, I hit a fire exit sign, and some ceiling tile rained down. I picked up a few pieces, putting them into my pocket for reasons I don't quite understand other than I felt I should.

Cleanup finally over, Josh, Chris and I split up in the parking lot, each heading to our separate cars. I followed Josh home. Finally exhausted, I thanked Josh's brother for his help that night and his condolences and heading directly up to the bedroom. Josh followed shortly after, and by that time I had checked on the kids, changed and was getting into the bed. Josh got ready and climbed in as well, setting his alarm.

"The flight leaves at eleven, and you're all packed and ready to go in the morning," he said as he pulled me to him. I just nodded into his shoulder and finally let loose the few tears that came before I fell asleep.

The flight home was uneventful, even with six kids and only Josh and I to keep them in order. Josh had surprised me (though I should have known) with the fact that he was able to get eight seats on the same flight - probably because Ohio in February was not the optimal tourist time. Lance offered up his house for us to stay in if we wanted to, which I declined at first but he insisted that if things got too much to take the keys and go over there.

The memorial service was scheduled for the next day - falling bemusedly onto Super Bowl Sunday. Bemusing because while my father was never a big sports fan, he was raised in south west Pennsylvania, and the Steelers were his favorite team, and they were in the super bowl that year. I played nice with the members of my parent's church, especially since I hadn't seen most of them in probably close to a decade. I was slightly annoyed that I wasn't able to give a few words, and that the pastor joked about having a 'tailgating party' afterwards. Everyone joked and seemingly had fun during the refreshment part afterwards, and many people came up to me, telling me they were sorry for my loss or commenting on the size of my family. I thanked them and was polite to the overly nosy.

Finally, the memorial service was over and we returned to Mom's house. We put the food away and got the kids ready for bed before sitting down and talking. We had coffee, tea and hot chocolate and sat around the dining room table. Mum and I shared stories of Dad with Josh, Mum shared stories of when I was little, Josh and I shared stories of what her grandkids got up to. We were starting to get tired and just sitting quietly when I dropped the bomb.

"Mom?"

"Yes?" She took a sip of her coffee.

"I'm pregnant again," I watched her as she let it sink in.

"That's wonderful, Sam. How's it going?"

"Just fine. We're only five weeks along so nothing major yet."

"That's good."

The following two days between the memorial service and the actual burial were quiet ones as we mourned and adjusted to the knowledge that my father was gone. The burial was a quiet ceremony, Dad's ashes were being buried on top of his mother's coffin. There was a little bit of a strain when both my Grandfather's pastor and my parent's pastor arrived to do the service. But the pastors did a general service and most of the animosity was between my mother and grandfather.

The services over and our flight back to LA set for the following day, Josh and I helped Mom go through some of Dad's clothes, packing a few things up that Josh said he'd wear and a few of his other things to go back with me.

With the girls in bed and the older two on their way to bed, Josh and I decided to have a date night. I made popcorn while he put a movie on. A quick check on the four kids reassured me they were all in bed for the night.

I brought the popcorn and drinks in and settled in on the couch next to my husband. He started the movie and I playfully groaned to discover it was one of the Indiana Jones movies.

"Such a dork."

"Yep."

We settled in, enjoying the movie and each other's presence. After a while, Josh paused the movie for a bathroom break. I stretched and reached for my phone. I glanced at the time before dialing Lance's number.

"Hello?" Lance answered.

"I'm pregnant," I responded and immediately hung up. I started giggling, imagining Lance's face as he would look at the phone and shake his head. I was still giggling when Josh returned.

"What's so funny?"

I calmed down enough to talk. "I just called Lance and told him I was pregnant and hung up on him."

Josh rolled his eyes as he settled back into his seat and started the movie again.

Barely one scene in, my phone started to ring. I noted Lance's number on the screen as I answered it.

"Hello?"

"I'm gay." The response was followed immediately by a click. I hung up as well and put my phone back.

"Who was it?" Josh asked.

"Lance. He's gay."

Josh nodded. "That's cool."

"Yeah."

We let the subject go for a little while before Josh brought it up again.

"You're not surprised?"

"Nah, I figured it out years ago."

Josh nodded. "Before or after you married him?"

"Pretty much while I was pregnant with the twins. Little known fact about our marriage- we may have been the typical newlywed horn dogs right after we were married, but the moment that pregnancy test came back positive we never touched each other," I answered. Josh paused the movie and looked at me.

"You mean that..."

"When you and I got together I had been celibate for a year? Yes. Doesn't really matter, really. Everything with you felt like my first time, like someone had wiped my slate clean then handed me over to you."

Josh smiled.

"You don't seem too surprised, either."

"Oh, we had it figured out years ago. Actually, Joe and Chris..." he let it trail off as he looked away.

"What?"

"They had a bet running on how long you and Lance would last before you broke up."

"Oh really? Who won that one?"

Josh shrugged. "Don't know. I think the midnight trip to the wedding chapel threw them off."

I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. "We should call him back and say something, If I know him, he's probably freaking out a little right now." I handed Josh my phone and dialed Lance and put it on speaker.

"Sam," Lance answered.

"Dude," Josh answered.

"I'm here too!" I answered.

"Whoa, both Chazzers at once. What'd I do to deserve this?"

"Just wanted to let you know it's all cool." Josh said.

"Yep." I responded.

"It doesn't bother you at all?"

"Nope," Josh and I responded at the same time.

"You don't have to explain a thing, either. We love you for who you are, not who you love," I added.

"Thanks guys. It means a lot to be able to do this."

"We've got your back, man." Josh said.

"Awesome. I'll talk to you guys later?"

"Later," I said. Josh agreed and hung up. He put my phone on the coffee table and we snuggled together as we watched the end of the movie.

"We need to talk," I said, and Josh nodded. We went out to the patio, sitting at the table and stared at each other.

"I...We...I think..." I blew the hair out of my face and rubbed my eyes. "This is so hard!" I took a moment before looking at him and just blurting out what we needed to discuss.

"Are you still in love with me?"

Josh's mouth opened a few inches for a second before he caught himself and he looked down at his water bottle.

"I don't know."

I nodded and turned my gaze to the pool, watching the ripples along the bottom from the sunlight.

"Me either," I admitted. "I mean, I still have feelings for you, I still love you, but I don't know if I'm still in love with you."

"Yeah. Same here."

We were quiet for a moment, neither of us looking at the other.

"So, what do you want to do?" I asked, finally looking at him.

"What do you want?"

"What I want, right now, is to know what you want. And to discuss it as civilized adults, if only for the sake of our son."

Josh finally looked at me when I mentioned our child. I raised my hands in surrender.

"I'm not dragging him into it, I promise. You heard what the doctor said the other day."

"I know, I know. As easy as you can take it. Why you want to discuss this now, instead of waiting a week for the house to clear out for the summer-"

"Because I don't know if we can wait for that long!"

"We could, Sam. We really could. We're not going to implode if we wait a few days, until the kids are out of school and off to their respective destinations for the summer. Which is a first, I might add."

"I meant acting like we have it together, like we've always been for that time. I don't want them going off to their grandparents' houses wondering if we'll still be a family when they come back."

"We still will be. If that's what you want."

"Stop putting it on me. Damn it JC, you're half of this marriage!"

Josh raised his eyebrows. "JC? You haven't called me that in private since....."

"September 20, 2001. Quit changing the subject," I glared at him. He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand.

"I don't know, alright? I don't know what I want right now. I need time to think about it."

"Alright then," I answer. I start to get up.

"Sam," Josh pleaded. I stopped and faced him. There was a sadness in his eyes that pulled at my heartstrings as he continued. "I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either. But I think we need some time apart," I bit my lip, nervous suddenly about what I was about to ask.

"Do you want our bedroom or the spare room?"

"You're kicking me out?"

"No! Well, just from the same bed as me. And not today, but once the kids are gone. I think the summer will be a good amount of time for us to think."

"I suppose. I'll take the spare, I think you need a bathroom closer to the bed than I do," Josh said.

"Okay. So we'll be back to this topic in August then, I guess."

Josh nodded.

I held my phone in a death grip as I slowly made my way down the stairs. Once at the bottom, I paused long enough to get to the text window. I quickly typed in five characters before flipping through the phonebook to find Josh's number, quietly cursing the timing of everything.

I had gone to bed earlier that afternoon, not feeling well. Josh had poked his head in long enough to ask me if I wanted anything for dinner since he was going to go out. I had waved him away and gone back to sleep only to awaken to some rather troubling cramping and discovering a faint trickle of blood upon a trip to the bathroom.

My phone rang, startling me out of the train of thought I had been in. I quickly answered it.

"What's going on?" Josh asked.

"Cramping and bleeding," I answer. I start to hear the sirens in the distance.

"Shit," Josh whispers.  I hear voices in the background, recognizing the deep timbre of my ex immediately.

"You're at Lance's?"

"Um, yeah. I'll be home in a minute."

"Better be, the ambulance is nearly here."

"I know. See you in a minute." Josh hung up. I did also and moved to the front door, opening it and leaning against the frame, listening to the sirens get louder.

I tried to keep myself calm as I watched the ambulance stop in the end of the driveway and the EMTs rushed out of the back and up to the house. They helped me onto the stretcher and closed up the house. Josh arrived, on foot, as they were loading me into the back of the ambulance. He wasted no time climbing into the back with us and taking my hand.

The ride was a quick one, the EMTs asking a bunch of questions to get a head start for the ER staff and checking my vitals.

I was rushed into a private section of the ER upon arrival. Josh followed, getting bogged down in paperwork to fill out as I was stripped down and put into a gown and having an ultrasound done to check on the baby.

It wasn't long before the diagnosis came - the placenta was ripping away from the uterine wall, and I had the beginning stages of  preeclampsia. I listened as they told Josh.

"Bottom line, Mr. Chasez, is that baby has to come out, right now. Now at 32 weeks, he's still premature, but we will do everything in our power to give him the best start, the rest will be up to him," The nurse said as more of them came in, prepping me for the emergency C-section.

I was prepped and moved into the Operating Room. They put a sheet up just below my neck so that I wouldn't be able to see what they were doing.  Josh was allowed to scrub up and join me on that side of the partition.

"Hey," he said softly as he sat down in the chair they provided him.

"Hi," I responded, looking up at him and trying to ignore the weird sensations going on throughout the rest of my body as they numbed me.

Josh moved the chair a little closer and I could see him easier. The emotions etched across his face made him look much older than his thirty years. I felt a tear escape from my right eye and he gently wiped it away with his thumb.

"Everything will be fine, Sam," Josh whispered. I offered a weak smile.

"I did everything I was supposed to."

"I know. It's not your fault."

"Why do they keep wanting to come out early?"

"I don't know, love."

I smiled at his choice of words. "Still love me, then?"

"Always."

I winced as I felt a tug. "We never agreed on a name."

"What one did you like?"

"I don't know. You pick it out. Just not Joshua Junior."

"Alright, if that's what you want."

"It is. I decided that a few days ago. Happy birthday," I joked.

"It's a boy," one of the doctors announced. Josh and I immediately quit talking, listening for the cry we expected. An eternity went by before we heard a quiet cry as a nurse bundled him up in a blanket.

"Go with him," I told Josh.

"Sam-"

"I'll be fine. Go with your son."

Josh kissed my forehead and followed our son as he was wheeled to the NICU.

I was quickly put back together and wheeled to the recovery area, where I waited an eternity to be given a private room. Josh eventually found me, standing at my side quietly after reporting he knew nothing yet. I reached out and took his hand and he squeezed mine gently.

"I love you," I said quietly.

"I love you too," Josh answered.

A nurse entered our little area, checking my chart.

"How are we feeling now, Mrs. Chasez?"

"Been better. Been worse. Starting to feel it now though."

"Okay. That's a good sign, and we can start you on some painkillers if you'd like," I nodded. "And we'll get you into your room here in a few minutes."

I nodded again and Josh moved out of the way a few minutes later when they started rolling me down the corridors to a private room.

Once I was settled into the room, Josh broke his silence.

"What about Leroy?"

I immediately wrinkled my nose in distaste.

"I was joking. I was thinking maybe something like Harry Daniel," he watched me as I thought about it.

"Harry Chasez. It works. If that's what you want, I'm happy with it."

Josh nodded and gave my hand a quick kiss and left to return to the NICU to see what was going on with Harry.

Once Josh left, I closed my eyes, the painkillers making me drowsy. I don't know how long I slept, but I awoke sensing a presence in the room, and saw three figures sitting around, talking quietly. I recognized Josh and Lance's voices, though I didn't hear what they were talking about.

"Joshua."

"Sam." Josh pulled his chair closer to the bed.

"What time is it?"

"Pretty late. How are you feeling?"

"Sore. Harry?"

Josh sighed. I was immediately wide awake and tried to sit up, but the stitches across my abdomen made it impossible and I lied back down.

"He's stable now. The doctors say his lungs are underdeveloped a little even for 32 weeks. They had some trouble getting him to breathe, but he's doing alright now. And tests so far are looking good. No heart or brain problems as far as we can tell. He's a fighter, Sam. He's going to be alright."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and feel my body relax a little. I turn my attention to the other figures in the room. Now that my eyes had adjusted to the dim light in the room, I recognized Lance and his current boyfriend.

"'Sup?" I asked.

"Thought we'd stop by and bring you this," Lance said. Reichen picked a gift bag off the floor and placed it on the bed next to me. I pulled it closer and pulled out a stuffed lion.

"Can't break with tradition. The lion just seemed fitting."

I laughed quietly. "Just what this family needed. Another Leo. Thanks Lance, Reichen."

Lance and Reichen stayed a few more minutes before leaving Josh and I alone. 

"You should have gone with them," I said, realizing something.

"Trying to get rid of me?"

"No, I'm glad you're here. But you came in the ambulance with me."

"Lance brought my car over. But I thought-"

I watched him quietly, waiting for him to continue.

"If you felt like it, that I'd stay here with you tonight." He looked down at his feet.

"Sleep in the chair? You're not fifteen anymore, honey."

Josh looked up and nodded to the other side of the room. I followed his gaze to see a small cot set up.

"Ah. I suppose I have no say in the matter then, but yes, I'd like if you stayed."

Josh moved Harry's lion to my pillow and gently brushed the hair off my forehead.

"Go back to sleep. As soon as you're feeling up to it, I can take you to meet our son."

I nodded and closed my eyes, eventually falling back to sleep.

I was released from the hospital after a few days, but little Harry was far from being ready to come home. Josh and I spent most of our days those first few days home, at the hospital, at his crib side.

A few days after my release, the kids started returning home in anticipation of the start of school. We took Celine and Scottie to see Harry once, since they were the only ones that could behave appropriately and understand what was going on for the most part. But now, just a few days before school started, we had a full house again, between all the kids being back home and Josh's parents in town for the few days to help out a little.

Zara's fourth birthday started out much like the past few days, but with more energy and chaos from the expectation of the impending party that afternoon. Josh and I managed to slip out right after breakfast for a few hours at the hospital, checking on little Harry. He was doing as well as he had been doing, gaining weight slowly but surely, and his lungs were developing as the doctors hoped.

Once we tore ourselves away for the day, we did the last minute errands of picking up the cake and a few other things before heading home.

Friends of the older children had started to arrive, along with a few parents while we were gone. I greeted them while quickly putting things away. I urged everyone outside where Josh was starting up the grill for lunch.

I brought out the food to be cooked and let Josh and Roy do the 'manly thing' and cook the food. I headed back into the house to organize what needed to be done. I nibbled on one of the chicken shish kabobs when they were ready before heading in for the presents.

Zara was totally spoiled by everyone, getting just about everything she asked for. Once the presents were all opened and the pictures taken of her opening them, the adults hung back a little, letting the kids run off their newfound energy. Josh snuck up behind me and took my hand in his as I was talking to the mother of one of Celine's friends. I shot him a quick smile as I continued to tell the story I was in the middle of. Once I was done, he pulled me away a little bit and pulled a small jewelry box out of his pocket.

"I want you to have this," He handed the box to me and I opened it to find some diamond earrings.

"Josh, you didn't have to."

"I know."

I hugged him and gave him a kiss before heading into the house to put the earrings away.

On my way back out, I fixed the cake up and brought it out, singing 'Happy Birthday' as I carried it carefully to the table. Everyone gathered around and watched as Zara carefully thought about what to wish for before blowing out the candles. I felt myself tear up a little as I watched her. Karen took the cake back and started cutting it into pieces for everyone and passing it around.

"What's wrong?" Josh asked as he brought me a piece. I gave him a small smile and took the plate he offered. He sighed and took both plates and put them down before pulling me into a hug.

"He's doing fine, Sam. You did everything right, it wasn't your fault," he whispered. I nodded into his shoulder.

"It just feels so wrong to be celebrating like this when he's fighting for his life," I answered, pulling away and wiping the tear that had fallen.

Josh took my face in his hands and I leaned into them slightly. "We earned the right to celebrate today. Especially you. I remember the bedrest, I was right there next to you four years ago as you went through it all. If anyone should be celebrating Zara's birthday it should be you."

I nodded, smiling at the memory of Josh holding Zara for the first time.

"You held her like she was made of glass and would break if you did anything so much as breathe on her," I said quietly. "The look on your face that night is one of my most vivid and favorite memories." I admitted.

Josh smiled and I could see a faint glimmer of the emotion that had taken him over that night in his eyes. I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and rubbed his arms.

"I'm good now. Thank you." I picked up the cake and went back to watching the party.

"Do you think he'll come?" I asked Josh as I cut up vegetables for the party we were hosting that night. Normally I was content with just spending a few minutes alone with Josh to celebrate our anniversary, but as I pointed out to Josh a few weeks earlier, five years was half a decade and it should be celebrated with friends.

"He said he would," Josh answered. I nodded and continued chopping the vegetables. I finished the vegetables and placed some of them in the crock pot with the cubed up roast.

The stew ready to cook, I started to clean up. Josh went to check on Olivia and see if she was almost ready to go to daycare. I was scrubbing the cutting board when arms went around me, pinning my arms against my side.  I was set momentarily free as one of Josh's hands moved up to pull the hair off my neck where a second later, a set of lips met the curve of my neck, kissing gently before moving to my ear to whisper.

"Happy anniversary, Samantha."

I leaned back into his embrace and turned my head slightly towards his and kissing his jaw line.

"Happy anniversary, Joshua," I whispered. He released his arms from my sides and I turned to face him before he pinned me against the counter. our lips met and I felt my arms going around his neck to pull him closer. He ran his tongue along my bottom lip and I greet his tongue with mine. The world around us disappears and all that matters are the sparks shooting through me from where our bodies make contact and the weakness in my knees as he took control of the kiss.

We didn't separate until tiny hands started pushing us apart at the knee. I reluctantly let go of his hair so he could pull back. We stared at each other for a moment.

"Wow," I whispered. Josh's eyes crinkled up as he smiled.  The little hands grew more insistent and he stepped back as we both looked down at our daughter.

Olivia looked from Josh to me before raising her arms towards me. I wiped my hands on my jeans before picking her up.

"Is Miss Livvie ready to go play with Miss Jackie?" I asked her, setting her on my hip.

"No."

"No? You don't want to go play with Miss Jackie?" Olivia shook her head. I glanced at Josh, who was watching us with a bemused expression. "Do you know what today is, Livvie?" She shook her head again. "It's Thursday! Thursday is finger painting day!"

Olivia burst into a smile and looked at Josh.

"Fwinger panting, Daddy!"

"Awesome! Are you going to paint a pretty picture for me?" Josh asked her. Olivia nodded and Josh reached over to tickle her neck, sending her into giggles.

I pushed off from the counter. "Come on, Livvie, let's go get your bag ready," I said as I started heading in the direction of the stairs. "Who do you want to take today?"

The next five minutes was spent figuring out which stuffed animal she wanted to take with her.

A quick trip into the master bathroom for Olivia to brush her teeth while I slipped my hair into a ponytail and changed my wedding band from the plain silver band I wore every day to the one I saved for special occasions - the one he bought for me four years previously.

"Just about ready," Josh said without looking up.

"Thanks, love," I crossed over to him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

 We finished getting ready and left. Our first stop was the daycare where Olivia was going to spend the next few hours while Josh and I checked on Harry and ran errands.

I got out of the car and opened the back door and started to take her out of her car seat. Olivia, however was having none of it and started to throw a temper tantrum.

"Olivia! What's your problem?"

"Daddy!" She wailed through her tears.

"I'm right here, sweetie," Josh said, turning around in his seat to look at her. She continued to cry and kick her feet on the seat.

"I think she wants you to take her in," I said, handing him her bag. He sighed and got out, coming around to my side to take her out of her seat. She quieted down almost immediately as Josh lifted her out of her seat and rested her on his hip. She sniffled as I handed him her bag.

"Such a daddy's girl," I muttered as I got back into the car to wait for Josh to come back. Josh returned a few minutes later and we were on our way to the hospital.

"This morning was nice," I say while watching people at a red light.

"Yeah."

"It's been awhile."

"Too long."

"Yeah," We were quiet for a few blocks.

"I think we're going to be okay," I said quietly.

"We will be. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but we will be." I nodded and we lapsed into a comfortable silence.

"If we had dated like normal people, would you still have proposed?"

"I never proposed to begin with."

"You didn't try too hard to change my mind."

"I did try, though. You were too far around the bend.'

"I was in love!"

We were quiet a moment before I started giggling.

"What?"

"I'm just remembering how I felt that week when we were engaged. I was wondering if I really was doing the right thing, rushing into it, and then I watched you as you tied your shoes and I somehow knew from that I was."

Josh started laughing as well. "Tying my shoes told you to go ahead with it?"

"I know!" We both laughed as he pulled into the hospital parking lot.

"It's alright. I was doing the same thing that week." He parked the car and we got out, grabbing the bottles before heading in.

"If either one of us had said stop that week, we wouldn't have Zara, Olivia or Harry," I said as we rode up the elevator to the neonatal unit, "We'd probably have had more memories like that weekend in Orlando."

Josh looked down at me. "Wouldn't change it for the world."

He took my hand as the elevator stopped and the doors opened. We walked over to the nurse's station, handing over the bag with the bottles of milk and getting a quick update on Harry before heading to his little room.

Harry was doing very well. The doctor in charge of his case said that if he kept up the pace and had no set backs, he might be ready to come home before Halloween.

He was stable enough that both Josh and I got to hold him for about an hour each, and they helped me give him a bottle.

Eventually it was time to pick up Olivia and head back home before the older ones started to arrive home. We put Harry back into his incubator-crib and after one last caress and soft words of encouragement, we left.

I collected an excited Olivia, the tears from that morning long forgotten as I helped her pack her bag and collected her finger painting that she had done. She babbled the entire way home, and Josh and I exchanged a smile as she continued after we arrived home.

I let the dogs out and checked on the stew. Josh disappeared into his studio right before the bus arrived, bringing home everyone else. After a snack, Celine and Scottie got to work on their homework at the kitchen table while the rest were playing in the family room.

Josh poked his head in as I was listening to Scottie read his book.

"I'm going out."

"Okay. Try to be back before the party starts."

"I will be," he said, heading for the front door.

"What party, Mom?" Celine asked, interrupting her brother as he started to read again.

"Josh and I got married five years ago today. Some friends are coming over for dinner to celebrate," I answered.

"Oh," she thought for a moment, "Are we invited?"

I tried not to laugh and failed. "Of course you are," I patted Scottie on the head and got up to check on the younger ones, all of whom had gotten too quiet.

Giggles met my ears as I reached the doorway. They were all piled up on top of each other on the couch.

"What are you doing?" I asked. They looked up, giggling harder as they got off each other.

"Playing sandwich!" Aurora answered.

"Sandwich? How do you play that?"

"Like this!" She climbed up onto the arm of the couch and fell face first onto the cushions.

"Bread!"

Aydin followed suit, landing on top of his sister, calling out "Bologna!"

Zara followed Aydin, calling out "Ketchup!" and then Olivia went last, giggling too hard to call out what I concluded would have been 'bread'.

I shook my head as they giggled. "Well, just be careful and keep Livvie on the top, alright?" The twins nodded and I returned to the kitchen to finish Scottie's homework with him.

Josh arrived back home just after Scottie finished his reading assignment and was putting his homework away.

"Perfect," I said as he walked in. Josh started laughing before I could finish my thought.

"I meant that I wanted to grab a shower before people start arriving and now I can do it in our bathroom with the door locked." I kissed his cheek and started to leave when he caught my arm and gently tugged it. I turned around and faced him again. He pulled a ring box out of his pocket.

"Happy anniversary," he said as he handed the ring box to me. I took it and opened the box. The ring inside had seven stones - four sapphires and three diamonds, alternating one of each.

"It's gorgeous, thank you!" I gave him a kiss. "Wait here," I whispered. I ran up to our room and pulled the small box out of my drawer and ran back down to the kitchen.

"Happy anniversary," I said, presenting him with his gift. He took the box and opened it to find a new cross pendant. The center stone was a sapphire and they got darker until the bottom stone was black.

"I love it. Thank you, Sam," he said, looking at me. I grinned.

"I hoped you would. I'm glad it got here in time...." I said, nibbling on my finger nail. Josh raised his eyebrows.

"Last minute?"

"You can talk. You went out and came home with the ring in your pocket. But no, actually I designed it."

"Did you?" I nodded. "I love it even more. And actually, I've had the ring with me all day."

"You liar," I teased, "I would have felt it this morning when you had me against the sink. What I did feel was most definitely not a ring box."

Josh snorted, trying not to laugh. I grinned at him and took off up the stairs and into our bedroom before he could distract me from the promise of a long shower. 

I took my time in the shower and getting dressed in something a bit nicer than my broken-in jeans and shirt. I pulled my hair up into a low bun, glad that it finally was long enough to do so again. I slipped some earrings in as well as my new ring. Satisfied with how I looked, I headed downstairs to put the rest of our meal together.

While Josh was doing his thing, I put together a salad and made a box of macaroni and cheese for the kids' dinner. I smiled as I listened to the chatter a few feet away while putting a loaf of bread in the oven to warm up. Everything ready, I set the table in the dining room.

The doorbell rang as I was cleaning up after the kids. There was a stampede for the door, Josh calling out that he got it. I finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher as Josh and our first guest appeared in the doorway.

"Sam!" Justin said as he came in.

"You made it!" I said, coming around and giving him a hug.

"I did," he said hugging me back. "Congratulations to both of you. Five years already?"

"I know. Hard to believe, isn't it?"

We chatted for a few minutes about what he was doing and how Harry was before the twins managed to corner him into one of their games.

"Sam, do you think I could bottle up the twin's creativity?" Justin asked, coming in for a drink.

"Sure, take some of their energy while you're at it," I handed him a beer and leaned back against the counter as he took a swig.

"Scary though, isn't it?"

"Hmm?"

"How much they're like Lance. They'll sit together in the corner, being quiet for awhile, and then suddenly, they've got all their siblings involved in some sort of game and everything is in chaos."

Justin laughed. "Yeah, sounds like Lance when we were out clubbing in Europe."

I smiled. "Yeah."

Once everyone had arrived, I excused myself and got Olivia into bed. Upon returning, I served dinner for the adults and let the older kids watch a movie while we ate in the dining room.

About half way through dinner I tapped my glass gently.

"I want to make a toast. I read somewhere that most marriages fail at around five and a half years. Couples that make it to that distinguished, insignificant day tend to be married for many more years. Tonight, Josh and I celebrate the five year mark. It's been a long road, but a road well worth taking. We've had some good times, we've had our fights. Our first Valentine's Day together he told me he was leaving for LA so he could write some music. He left the following day and I didn't see or hear from him in almost two months after that. The night he came back to me was the first night I knew for absolute certainly we'd beat the odds and be together for the rest of our lives. To Josh," I raised my glass and took a sip, everyone following suit.

Josh stood up, holding his glass. "Sam, you've not only has given me everything I could want in a partner and best friend, but has the largest heart of anyone I know. It's what I fell in love with, and is still one of the things I love most. I'll be right there by your side even past when we're old, grey and smell like prunes. I love you, Samantha, and I always will. To Sam." he raised his glass, finishing his toast. I smiled at him while taking my sip.

"I love you," I mouthed as he sat back down.

The rest of dinner went quietly, and after putting three sleeping kids in their beds, Josh returned to hang out with everyone as we talked over coffee and cake.

Eventually everyone left and Celine and Scottie were tucked into bed, Celine excited over having been allowed to attend an 'adult' party. Josh and I quietly piled the dishes into the dishwasher, turning it on before heading to bed ourselves.

Sleep was the last thing on our minds as we climbed into bed. And after we took care of the energy that had been building up all day, I snuggled against him, listening to the dual rhythms of his heartbeat and breathing as they evened out.

"Something happens when you look at me I forget to speak," I whispered. Josh chuckled lightly and continued.

"Something happens when you kiss my mouth my knees get so weak..." he kissed the top of my head. I hummed in agreement before continuing.

"I can't believe that something like you could happen to me," I continued, looking up at Josh. He smiled and continued.

"with you by my side I can do anything. I don't care what tomorrow brings as long as we're together. My heart is telling me that you could be my meant to be, I know it more each time we touch...."

"Something magical, something spiritual, something stronger than the two of us alone. Something physical," I drew circles across Josh's chest and he shivered slightly. "Something undeniable. Nothing like anything that I've ever known...."

Josh lowered his head and kissed me. I kissed back and we settled in for the few hours that were left before the alarm would go off.

"You're going to be good for Jen, right?" I asked Olivia as I helped her get dressed. She nodded against my shoulder, sucking on her fingers.

"Who's coming home with Mommy and Daddy today?"

"Bwother."

"Yep. Mommy and Daddy are bringing Harry home today! Are you excited to meet your little brother?"

She nodded again, hopping off my lap. She sat down next to Zara who was watching Sesame Street while playing with a puzzle and started to 'help' her sister with the puzzle.

I sighed as Zara got bossy that Olivia was doing the puzzle wrong. Knowing that there was about to be a whining competition that'd last about five seconds looming in my near future, I left the room.

I was glad when the doorbell rang a few minutes later and I let Jen in.

"Morning," she said, stepping into the foyer.

"Morning Jen. Thanks for being able to make it today."

"Oh it's no problem. Congrats on Harry's homecoming. I can't wait to see him!"

I smiled. "Yeah, it's been a long two months," I said, closing the door and gesturing to the kitchen, following her in.

"It's just Zara and Olivia right now. I don't know how long we'll be. The twins will be going to their father's after school, and Celine and Scottie's bus arrives at about two thirty at the end of the driveway. If we're not back by then you'll have to be out there. They won't let them get off if nobody's there."

Jen nodded. "Makes sense."

"Yeah. I think we'll be back by then, but again, I don't know if there will be demos on the oxygen that we'll be bringing with us."

"He's still on oxygen?" Jen looked worried.

"He still has a little bit of trouble when he's sleeping," I explained. I glanced at the clock and leaned across the countertop to the intercom and buzzed our bedroom.

"Jen's here."

"Alright, I'll be down in a minute." Josh answered. I smiled at Jen and we headed to the family room.

"Zara, Livvie, look who's here!"

"Jen!" Zara got up and ran to Jen and hugged her around the legs. Jen laughed and pat her lightly on the head.

"Hey Zara. Ready to have some fun?"

Zara nodded. "Can we go to the park?"

"I don't know, but we can play outside if you want."

"I want to. After Sesame."

"Awesome. Hi, Livvie."

Olivia watched from where she was standing at the far side of the couch, fingers back in her mouth.

"Livvie, you silly goose. You know Jen."

"No goose."

"Who's not a goose?" Josh asked as he joined us.

"Livvie's being a silly goose." I answered.

"Ah. Hey Jen." he nodded at Jen.

"Hello JC." Jen smiled and scooted across the play room to sit on the floor with Zara and start doing the puzzle with her.

"You ready?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah," I turned my attention to the girls. "Zara, Livvie, we're going to go to see Harry and bring him home." I kissed the top of their heads and left the room to retrieve my purse. We checked the car seat one last time before driving to the hospital.

Once there, we filled out discharge paperwork and did have a quick demonstration on how to use the portable oxygen tank we were taking home. And a few discussions with the various doctors and nurses that had been so important to get Harry to this point. Finally the time came to take him from his crib and carefully strap him into the car seat/carrier for the first time. Harry fussed a little but mostly just blinked up at us with his large blue eyes as I snapped the restraints in and adjusted them to fit him.

I put a blanket over the top of the carrier and picked him up. Josh and I hugged the nurses that were there and we had gotten to know. We left the Neonatal unit and headed for the elevator. Once on the ground floor, weighed down with our son and the tank, I waited at the door with Harry and the tank while Josh brought the car around. He loaded the tank while I snapped the carrier into the base and slipped in next to him.

The  ride home seemed to take forever. About half way home, I leaned forward to check Josh's speed. I sat back and whispered to Harry that 'Daddy's being overprotective'. He just watched me from half-closed eyes.

"You know, I think he's got your eyes."

"Think so?"

"Now that he's in the sunlight, they look more like your shade of blue than mine."

"Awesome," Josh answered. The rest of the ride home was quiet.

We arrived home right before the bus. Jen was standing at the end of the driveway where she could see both the bus and the girls. I waved to her, joining her as the bus pulled up, letting Celine and Scottie off. We waved to the bus driver as she closed the door and drove off. I ruffled Scottie's hair as we headed up the driveway.

"Hey kiddo. How was your day?"

"It was okay. Jason got into trouble though,"

"Oh? What did he do?"

"He put a worm into Jessie K.'s hair."

"Yuck."

"He doesn't have recess tomorrow."

"Ah, well. How was your day, Celine?"

"Okay."

"Sam!" Josh called from the front door.

"What?" I called back, panic rising in my mind as I tried to figure out what was wrong.

"Grab the oxygen on your way in?"

"Sure." The panic abated and I stopped at the car, pulled out the tank of the backseat and shut the door.

"What's that?" Scottie asked.

"This is oxygen. Harry will need it sometimes to help him breathe."

"Oh. Why does he need help breathing?"

"Because he was born so early. Remember when we took you to the hospital and he was in that plastic crib? Remember how little he was?"

Scottie nodded, "Yeah. He was really little!"

"Mmhm. He was supposed to wait until last week to be born. But he was born while you were in Ohio with Daddy, two months ago. That's a really long time for a baby."

"Yeah."

We reached the door and I followed everyone in, Jen holding the door for me. I thanked her and lugged the tank into the living room. I put it down next to the door and took in the picture in front of me. Josh had put the carrier down on the coffee table and the girls were crowding it, Olivia peeking underneath the blanket and Zara whispering at her to stop.

"Girls, he's not going anywhere, you will each get a chance to see him." Josh said quietly as he gestured to them to move. They backed up a few steps and he lifted the blanket off the carrier. The girls immediately peered into the carrier, fascinated by their little brother. I hung back and watched with a smile on my face as Josh carefully undid the straps and lifted his son out of the carrier, adjusting his hold on him like an old pro, but still in a way that reminded me of the first time he held Zara.

"He looks like he's been doing this all his life," Jen whispered from next to me.

"Yeah," I whispered. I watched as Josh sat down on the couch and let Zara climb up next to him to look. She climbed up next to him and sat on her knees, facing Harry and Josh. Olivia crowded Josh's legs.

"He's wittle," Livvie said, staring.

"He is. You have to be very careful around him because he's little." Josh quietly told her. Olivia nodded and moved onto something else.

I tore myself out of my reverie and looked at Jen. "Go on and get a look. He's got Josh's eyes," I smiled. She smiled back and moved over to the couch, sitting on the far end, sandwiching Zara in the middle. I turned to head to the kitchen to make an after school snack when Jen spoke quietly.

"He's going to be a heart breaker someday, JC."

"Think so?"

"Oh yeah, totally."


Five minutes later I was helping with homework in the kitchen and getting dinner started when Jen came in.

"I'm going to go."

"Mmk," I stop what I was doing and head over to my purse and get out my checkbook. I write her a check for her time and give her a quick hug, thanking her for helping out. She says good-bye to Celine and Scottie before heading for the front door pretty quickly.

I finished getting dinner ready and stuck it in the oven to bake. I sat down with Scottie as he did his nightly reading assignment. Just as he was finishing up, Harry started to cry. A moment later, Zara flew into the room ahead of Josh and Harry.

"He's crying."

"I can hear him, Zara," I said looking up at Josh.

"Dinner time," Josh said in a bit of a sing-song tone as he crossed over to the table and gently handed him over to me.

I got up from my seat and headed for the living room. I gently shoo'd Olivia and Celine into the play room and set Harry back into his carrier while I got everything together to feed him. Once everything was ready, I lifted him back out and settled him in for a feeding. Once he was going, I just sat there quietly watching him as he looked up at me with his big blue eyes.

There was a thump followed by wailing from the play room. Harry bit down pretty hard from being startled and I looked up towards the door, listening for a few seconds, debating if I needed to interrupt Harry.

"SCOTT EDWARD BREWER! APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SISTER," Josh's voice filled the house for a moment.

I returned my attention to Harry. "Uh oh," I whispered to him. He just stared up at me and finished eating. I attended to his needs and checked his diaper before heading to the playroom. Zara was on the couch, sniffing. Scottie was sitting in the corner, obviously angry at Josh who was picking up pieces of something on the floor.

"What happened?" I asked. I took Harry over to the baby swing in the corner, strapping him.

"Scott threw one of those little people toys at Zara, hitting her on the side of her head, then threw another one at the bookshelf and broke one of the picture frames,"

"Ah," I turned to Scottie. "I'll be back to deal with you," I left the play room to retrieve the oxygen tank from the living room. I hooked it up and put the tubing on Harry like they showed us how and turned it on before turning the swing on low. Harry was out like a light.

"Come on, Scottie." I gestured towards the kitchen. He followed, climbing into his chair at the table as I checked on dinner. I set the timer for ten minutes and sat down next to him.

"Alright kiddo, you know it's not nice to throw things. Why'd you do it?"

Scottie shrugged. "She was ruining it. I was playing with them first and she kept ruining it."

"Did you ask her nicely to stop?"

"Yeah. But she kept doing it."

"Did you apologize to her?" Scottie nodded. I looked at him carefully. "Is there anything bothering you? You can tell me if there is." he shook his head. "Alright. Go find your sisters and tell them it's time to clean up for dinner," I said. He nodded again and slipped out of the chair and took off up the stairs.

After dinner was over and the kitchen cleaned up, everyone retired to the play/family room. Josh and I chilled out on the couch with Harry while keeping an eye on the rest of the clan as they played until bedtime.

When Josh and I were finally ready to turn in for the night, I felt my nerves return. I carried Harry up to our room and placed him gently in the bassinet. I attached his oxygen tube to the larger tank that was staying in our room (and had been delivered earlier in the week) as well as the monitor thing to his chest - it would sound an alarm if he quit breathing during the night. Even knowing that we had the equipment, I was still nervous about sleeping with him home and not under constant care.

Josh on the other hand, after giving both of us a kiss, fell right into bed and was asleep almost immediately. I followed him into bed but lay awake for a long time before sleep finally took over.

"Place the needle with the stitch in your left hand," I mumbled as I followed the directions in the book, placing the knitting needle in my left hand and continued to read. "Grab the empty needle in your right hand, and wind the yarn around your fingers like so...." I tried to do it like the picture but I dropped the needle trying to keep the yarn in place. I sighed and picked it back up.

"Doing any better tonight?" Josh asked, looking up from his book.

"I figured out the casting on," I said, holding up the needle in my left hand. I had ten loops on the hook.

"That's good."

"Yeah. Just can't get the holding everything at once thing down."

"Mmm." Josh said, going back to his book and I to mine. Celine had brought home a book catalog from school and we let her pick out a book to order, and I also ordered a learn-to-knit kit as well.

"Maybe if I concentrate on the needle and not holding everything correctly." I muttered as I picked up the dropped needle again. "Keep the right needle under the left needle and the yarn at the back....okay....pull yarn under and over the right needle and pull it softly between the two needles." I let out a happy "meep!" as the yarn slid between the needles and I heard a small 'click' as the metal needles met again.

The last step had me trying to get the hook under the other one without loosing the stitch in the process. After about a dozen tries and a few choice words muttered softly to the yarn (which made Josh chuckle a few times), I managed to get a stitch off the left needle and onto the right.

"WOO!" I bounced a bit in my excitement and shoved the needles under Josh's nose. "Look! I did it!"

"That's awesome Sam. Now maybe you can do the rest of them."

"Yeah," I said quietly, getting comfortable again and attempting to do the rest of the stitches. It took a few tries, but by the end of the row, it was starting to make sense. Spurred on by my excitement, I knit a second row before showing Josh again.

"Look! I have stitches off the needle and they're staying in place!"

"That's wonderful," Josh said, looking at the tangle of yarn on the needle. "What are you going to make with it?"

"I dunno. Just learning right now. Maybe a bookmark for your Christmas gift," I teased. Josh never put a bookmark in his book and always spent a few minutes every night finding his place again. 

"Mmk." he replied. We went back to our own things again for a few minutes. I got a third row in before he looked up at me again.

"Why do you want to learn this all of a sudden?"

"I've always wanted to learn," I said quietly. "I remember when I was about the twins' age, watching my great-grandmother knit a blanket for me," I smiled a little at the memory. "She was about ninety years old and was visiting my grandmother - the one that's gone now, and she couldn't get around without a cane, and I would steal the cane and pretend it was one of those horse heads on a stick toys. I was her favorite. I could get away with doing that. My cousins doing that? They got a slap on the back of their hand when she would catch them." I put the needles and yarn down and slipped out of bed. I went to the linen closet and brought in a pastel pink blanket that was large enough for a twin size bed. I handed it over to Josh as I sat down on my side.

"I want to leave something behind when I'm gone. You'll live on through your music. Music that millions of people love. I want to do what 'Nother Mama did with me. I want to leave my children and grandchildren and maybe even one day great-grandchildren with memories like I have."

"Your great-grandmother made this blanket?" he asked. I nodded. "But you never said-"

"I know. And I don't know why, but when I saw the kit in the catalog, I just felt like it was time to learn finally. It's making me feel closer to 'Nother Mama."

Josh put his book on the night stand and pulled me into a hug. My knitting slid off the bed as we both got lost in each other's presence before finally calling it a night.

I rolled my eyes as the front door slammed. I hurried down the stairs in time to catch Josh sulking into the kitchen

"They're all finally asleep, and if you woke any of them up-" I let my threat drop as Josh glanced up at me from behind the fridge door.

"Alright, what happened?" I sighed as I leaned against the island.

"Nothing happened," Josh said, opening a bottle of water. "We met, we talked, the contract was terminated," Josh mumbled the last bit around a sip.

I blinked. "Wait, what? You left them? Or did they dump you?"

He looked a bit sheepish and studied his water intently. "A bit of both."

"So the album you've been working on for the past three years..."

"Isn't getting made. For now. I can still shop around for another company to do it with though."

I studied him for a moment, mind racing in a hundred different directions.

"Where did we lose each other?" I asked.

"What?"

"We used to be so in tune with each other. I can't....looking at you now, I can't even fathom what you're thinking."

"I...is this the right time for this?"

"Oh, the great and powerful JC Chasez had a bad day, huh? Doesn't want to deal with the fact that his wife just might feel like she needs some attention from someone over the age of nine for once. Obviously. He didn't even want to ask her how her day's been. You know what? It's been just as peachy as yours. Three kids home sick, as well as a toddler and an infant that are not sick but will be probably within the next day or so, along with the rest of the house. She's been vomited upon multiple times, and between coaxing the sick ones to drink and sleep, keeping the younger ones away from the sick ones and washing bedding all morning long, she hasn't had the time to take a breath yet alone even think about the shower she knows she probably needs," I turned and walked out of the room, leaving Josh to stare after me. I headed back upstairs, checking to see if we had woken any of them up. Luckily they were all still sleeping and I retreated into the master bath for a much needed shower.

I sighed as the hot water washed away the funk I was in. When I emerged, I felt a little better than earlier. There was no sign of Josh in the house, but I noted his car was still in the drive when I checked on Olivia, who was awake. The two of us headed back downstairs and I set her up with a dvd while I finished the load of bedding from that morning. Josh re-emerged from wherever as I was putting the clean sheets in the closet.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"What?"

"What do you want from me?" There was an edge to his voice.

"What do you mean by that?"

"What do you want? Money?"

"I...where did you get that idea?"

He raised one shoulder while keeping his gaze on mine.

"See, this is exactly what I was talking about! All I said earlier is we seem to be losing touch with each other, and now you're asking me if I want something from you?" I closed the closet door and stared at him. "What on Earth are you thinking?"

"That we don't have a prenup."

I felt my mouth drop open, and I quickly closed it.

"You want out," It was more of a statement than a question.

"Sam, neither one of us has been happy for a long time. And we did rush into this," he said.

"And you think that I'm just going to roll over and let you pay me off?" I shook my head. "No. I am not going to just let you shove me out. I still want to work it out." I unfolded my arms and poked him in the chest. "Something you were still willing to do last time I checked."

"And when was the last time you checked, Sam? Sure as hell hasn't been lately."

I felt my face heat up. "Maybe because I've been focusing on our son. Maybe you forgot that I was having a difficult pregnancy and he was ultimately born two months too soon? You could have checked just as much as I could have."

"First off, you kicked me out of our bed. You made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me. Secondly, you were having a hard time. I didn't want to add stress to an already stressful situation."

"I was hormonal, just because I didn't want to be cuddled all the time and that I needed some peace, quiet and space didn't mean I want out."

"Could have fooled me, Samantha."

I stared at him.

"You know what? Maybe you are on to something. I mean, we had it so easy since the beginning. The nights I got to spend with you guys on tour when the others went out clubbing and we just chilled out in the hotel, acting like the young idiots we were. Oh, let's not forget taking our relationship from best friends to lovers. I should have seen it then. It was too easy. We'd never last! Don't know why it didn't. Oh yeah, because I was too busy enjoying the mind-blowing sex with my best friend," I paused, trying to let the sarcasm that had laced the end to ebb away.

"Mind-blowing?"

"It was for me," I admitted. Josh smiled.

"Oh, don't get all cocky on that. You realize the only people I had been with before you were a teenage boy and a gay man. By default, that makes you the best one of the three," I turned and left the hallway.

Josh followed me into the kitchen. I turned to face him finally.

"Is it really that bad for you that you want out of this relationship?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

I looked down at my feet and nodded.

"Okay," I started only to be interrupted by a horn out front. I glanced at the clock noting that school was out. "Shit!" I murmured and jogged to the front door and down the drive to meet the school bus.

I waved to the driver as Scottie and Zara got off and joined me in the driveway.

"Light load today," the driver commented.

"Yeah, the rest have been keeping me on my toes all day. Thanks for waiting."

"Anytime, Mrs. Chasez," She said as she started closing the door. I waved again as she drove off. I walked with Scottie and Zara back into the house. I made them a snack while Scottie started on his homework.

I checked on the sick kids, refilling glasses of juice and turning the portable tv on in the boys' room to keep them occupied. I noticed the light above the studio door was on as I passed, and I knew I probably wouldn't see Josh the rest of the afternoon.

I called Jen and asked if she'd mind coming over for a few hours and ordered pizza for dinner. Jen arrived after I put Harry down for the night.

"Thanks so much for coming over on such short notice. I just need a few hours to myself," I explained.

"Oh, it's no trouble, really."

I smiled. "Alright, Celine and the twins have got what's going around, they've been doing alright this afternoon, so I don't think you'll be cleaning up after them much. Just make sure they've got liquids nearby," Jen nodded. "And the other three have their normal routine. I'll have my phone on, so don't hesitate to call if something arises." I picked up my purse and paused at the door. "And if Josh comes out of his studio, it'd probably be wise to stay out of his way."

Jen's eyes widened a little. "You guys okay?"

I sighed. "I don't know. It's been a long, hard day for both of us and he's in a bit of a mood. He's harmless, but still, best idea would be to stay out of his way tonight."

"Okay."

I quickly left the house and drove towards town, not knowing what I wanted to do. I just knew I needed a few hours to myself and I didn't want to think.

I ended up at the movie theater. I bought a ticket for the next movie, not caring what exactly I was about to see. It turned out to be the latest testosterone-happy action flick. I watched the action on the screen, not really following the story but letting the explosions and sirens and yelling wash over me as I struggled not to think about the argument earlier that afternoon.

I checked my phone as I left the theatre and there were no messages. I got back into my car and after a stop for a milkshake, I headed back towards home.

Jen's car was still in the driveway as I pulled in, and the lights appeared to be out through out the house.  I let myself in quietly and listened. The tv in the playroom seemed to be on and I headed that way to find Jen sleeping on the couch. I covered her up with a blanket and turned the tv off before heading upstairs.

The kids were all sleeping peacefully and I was slightly relieved to see that our bedroom was empty. I changed in peace and after checking the doors one last time and setting the alarm system, I climbed into bed and let the tears come.

It wasn't until the next afternoon that I saw Josh again. I glanced up at him as he paused in the doorway of the playroom before turning around and leaving again. I put down the game controller and followed him out.

"Joshua," his name escaped more like a plead than I meant it to. He turned and faced me. I searched his face, looking for something, but I didn't find it and I felt myself deflate a little bit.

"I'm sorry," I said and watched as he didn't react for a moment before heading back into the playroom. I picked up the controller and started chasing after Scottie's character on the screen.

Josh joined us for dinner that night and we acted cordial to each other, both of us focusing on anything but the other through out the meal.

The evening passed without much trouble, and he decided to stay home that night, giving us the chance to talk.

I set my tea cup under the small appliance that boiled water quickly and got out a tea bag as the water heated up.

"Tea?" I asked him.

"No, thanks." He went to the fridge and pulled out a beer. I put the tea box back and pressed the button when the water was ready. I sat down across from him at the table when my tea was ready.

"So," I said, breaking the silence that had built up. Josh took a sip of his beer and watched me.

I sighed. "I miss you. I mean, you're here in front of me, you sleep next to me every night, but we don't.." I paused, gathering my thoughts.

"When was the last time we stayed up all night, just talking? When was the last time we went out together, just the two of us, without it being a Hollywood thing? We're losing each other, Josh. We're too laid back and settled into our ways," I watched him for a moment before continuing in a whisper. "I don't want to lose you."

"I don't know if we can get past this, Sam. We've been slipping for a long time. And we didn't really date to begin with."

"We've never been on an honest to god date in the what, eight, nine years I've known you. We hung out as friends, we hooked up, we married, we've done the red carpet thing, but we've never gone out together just for fun," I pointed out.

Josh was silent. I sat back, sipping my tea and watched him.

"Even if we worked on it, I don't think we'll ever feel how we felt when we got married again."

"We won't. I know that. We were drunk back then. New passion and possibilities. But the love was there. It's been there longer than I'm sure either of us cares to admit. Relationships change, yes. The initial excitement passes, replaced by comfortableness and companionship. We were lucky, our initial buzz lasted for years. And we haven't been trying to spark anything new. We're like that old married couple that sit at the park day after day, not talking because there's nothing new to say to the other," I realize the last bit as true as I say it.

We slip into our own thoughts and the silence stretches out.

"I've never doubted marrying you," I whisper, watching him.

"Never?"

I shook my head. "Even when I was dating Lance, I always thought of you as my best friend. I was always drawn to you. Maybe it was because you were the mature one. And being a teen mother and on my own for the most part for a few years, I had grown up pretty fast."

Josh nodded, thinking it over.

"It's not going to be easy, fixing us."

"I'm not expecting it to be. I want to at least give it everything before even thinking of calling it quits," I answered.

Josh gave me a small smile, changed the subject and we stayed up late that night, talking about anything that came to mind.

Josh grabbed me in the middle of folding laundry and dragged me into his studio.

"What is so important that I needed to come right this second?" I asked as he closed the door.

"I finally finished it," he replied.

"Finished what?"

"A song I wrote a few years ago. I finally perfected it, and I want to share it with you," he said, staring up at me from where he sat on the bench. I leaned against the equipment behind me and folded my arms and nodded at him. He turned around and started playing a slow, plaintive tune and started singing along.

I could be the first to let you know
That nothing means anything
Now I'm standing here outside your door in the pouring rain
And I can't believe
Nothing's supposed to get to me
Now I'm in this misery

I can't be with anyone
Since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see
You ruined me for life

I will be the last to let you down
All your fears and doubts are hovering above you like a cloud
And the water's rising
Now I can't breathe
Nothing's how it's supposed to be
How did you do this to me?
Locked inside your heart shaped box

I can't be with anyone
Since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see
You ruined me for life

I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna feel this way
All I wanna do is leave
But all I can do is stay
Nights and days go by and I can't wait to touch your face again

I could be the first to let you know
That I can't be with anyone
Since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see
You ruined me...

Oh, I can't be with anyone
Since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I've been changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see
You ruined me...

I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna feel this way
All I wanna do is leave
You ruined me for life

 I wiped away a few tears as he reached the end of the song. He stared at the keyboard for a few seconds before turning to face me.

"It's beautiful," I whisper. "When did you...?"

"Write it?" he finished for me. I nodded and he scratched his chin, thinking back.

"2000? 2001? Somewhere in there," he responded. "It could have been on Schizophrenic, but I was never happy with the melody. I picked it up again last month and....." he let it go unsaid.

I nodded, and we stared at each other for a long moment, memories hanging between us in the air, purposely being left unspoken.

"What are you going to do with it?" I asked, breaking the silence and dispelling the weight of the memories in the air. Josh shrugged.

"What do you think?"

"I haven't a clue. I've always stayed out of your career, you know that."

"But we agreed that we needed to work on us," Josh pointed out.

"We did," I agreed.

"And this is a large part of who I am, Sam. You can't keep ignoring it."

"I haven't been!" I started to get annoyed and I forced myself to calm down. "I know. I know how much of you is your music. I've always stayed out of it because it was your career. I don't want to be in the way. I support you in whatever you decide for it."

Josh studied me for a second. "But you're the music, Sam. Didn't you listen to Schizophrenic?"

"I still do, when you're off somewhere and I miss you," I admitted.

He offered me a small smile. "Listen to it again, then." He turned back to the keyboard, playing a few chords and I left the studio. I paused outside the utility room before going up to the bedroom and grabbing my iPod. I put on Josh's music and listened as I finished the load of laundry I was working on.

I had known that two of the songs had been written specifically with me in mind. Now with Josh's comment staring at me every time I closed my eyes, I listened to it again. I concentrated on the lyrics and our relationship, and started noticing a line here and there throughout the album that exposed the Josh that only I knew. I shivered, realizing what he meant by me being the music, and stared in the direction of the studio door as I comprehended my role as his muse.

I frowned at the phone when it rang, the caller ID giving me the name of my alma mater.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hi, Samantha," Scott replied. I glanced at the clock and did the math quickly.

"You're calling awfully early, it's just past noon here. School just let out?"

"Yeah, a bit ago. I just got out of a meeting with the principal," Scott was teaching math at our old high school. I grinned.

"You didn't blow up a toilet again, did you?" He laughed at our old private joke. He had never blown up a toilet, but my father had once told us that someone (he claimed that it was his ex-wife's brother) would drop cherry bombs into the upstairs toilets back in the day. After that, anyone who went to any of the principals had 'blown up a toilet'.

"No, no. Nothing like that. My contract was up at the end of the year, and we were meeting about that."

"It's been two years already?" I took the phone into the playroom and curled up on the couch with the phone.

"It has," Scott assured me.

"Wow. I've been living out here for nearly two years already," I looked out the window at the palm trees that lined the backyard.

Scott gave me a moment to myself.

"Sorry. So how'd the meeting go?" I asked.

"Very well. They're renewing my contract for another two years," he responded.

"That's awesome! You going to celebrate?"

"Maybe on Friday. Go out with a few friends for drinks."

"Sounds like a good time."

"Yeah, we usually have a good time. Listen, I called to ask you about the plans for the summer. My summer job is gone and I don't know if I'd be able to have the kids here while I'm looking for a new one and everything."

I sighed and rubbed my face. "Scott, you barely see them as it is. We all agreed when Josh and I moved out here that you get custody of them for the summers since I had them for the school year."

"I know, Sam. But I can't do it this year." We both went silent for a long moment.

"Come out here then," the invitation slipped out of my mouth before I had even thought it. Scott laughed.

"I can't afford to head off to Los Angles for the summer. Like most people, I have to work."

"Don't go there," I replied quietly. He didn't answer for a second.

"How is LA?"

"Hot. Sunny. Like July on steroids. I think I miss the snow sometimes." Scott laughed.

"Then you don't remember winter correctly."

"Suppose so. So what do you say? Coming out here then? You don't have to stay the whole eight weeks or whatever. As long as you want to though, you're welcome to come."

"I don't know, Sam."

"We'll pay for your tickets, pick you up at the airport, the whole shebang. All you'll have to do is pack," I tempted him.

"Wouldn't it be akward?"

"With who? Josh? He won't mind. What's happened in the past is the past."

"Alight, I'll think about it. I've got to go, I'm on a school phone. Can't be spending hours on it calling California."

"Yeah. Let me know what you decide. Later." Scott and I hung up. After replacing the phone on the charger, I headed into the studio. Josh looked up from his book as I walked in.

"You're cool if Scott comes out here for the summer, right?"

Josh's head creased as he wrinkled his nose. "What?"

I subconsciously nibbled on a fingernail. "I kind of invited him just now. Told him we'd pay for his tickets too."

Josh just stared at me.

"He was telling me he didn't know if he could have Celine and Scottie this summer. I had to do something. He never gets to spend time with him."

"I see," Josh studied me. "We paying for his hotel, too?"

"Well....I was thinking he could have the spare room." Josh raised his eyebrows. "It's not like I'd be creeping in there at night or something," I pointed out. "I only care for him as the father of my children."

"I know," Josh started. "Yeah, it's fine with me."

I gave him a smile, crossed the room and kissed the top of his head.

"What's this for?" he asked as I started to pull away.

"Because I love you."

He caught my hand and pulled it gently. I moved to stand next to him. He kissed the back of my hand and squeezed it. "I love you too."

I left the studio, leaning against the door for a moment, going ovoer the mental to-do list I had for the remainder of nap time.

I paused my knitting long enough to glance up at the pool, checking on the twins. Satisfied they were fine, I went back to the project I was working on. I had only gotten a few stitches in when I heard the sliding door open. I kept working as Josh took the seat across from me at the table.

"Rob called," he said. I looked up at him.

"Oh? Must be important if he called." Rob was part of Josh's management team, and only called when something big would come up.

"Yeah. Randy Jackson's putting together a show, like American Idol but for dance crews. He wants me to be a judge."

"Do it," I said without hesitating.

"You think so?"

I nodded. "You need some sort of regular work. You can't mope about the house forever."

"I don't mope about the house," he answered.

"You kind of have been lately." I pointed out gently.

"Have I?"

"Mmmhm. You're bored."

"I'm not bored."

I put my knitting down and looked at him.

"You've had writer's block lately, and it makes you fustrated and anxious, and you lock yourself into the studio. Eventually you get tired of that and you start to mope around the house because you're bored."

Josh stared at me. "Sometimes I think you know me better than I do," he muttered.

"I'm your wife, I'm supposed to," I answered back. "And I'm serious. Do the judge thing."

"I honestly know nothing about dancing though, I can't judge dancers."

I laughed at him. "You didn't just stand on stage and sing like you were a five man choir."

"True," he said. We lapsed into silence again and I watched as Aydin dove under the surface of the water to chase his sister. Josh got up and came around the table and offered me his hand. I looked up at him to see his eyes sparking behind the smile he was giving me.

"Care for this dance?" he asked simply. I took his hand and he helped me up and pulled me close to him. I let him lead me in a slow spin until we were away from the patio furniture. He started humming a tune and I rested my head against his chest and closed my eyes.

I opened them again when he started to spin me out, and I laughed as I spun back to him.

"Dancing with the Stars is more like it," I said, causing his eyes to crinkle up more as his smile broadened. He did a few dance steps before dipping me dramatically to show off.

"How long do we have before Scott gets back?" he asked.

"I don't know. I think it was an eleven am game." Scott had taken Celine and Scottie to a baseball game. Josh raised his eyebrows and I grinned back, knowing the expression all too well. "If you can convince the two over there," I whispered, nodding my head towards the pool. "To come in and watch a movie or something."

Josh gave me a quick kiss before letting me go and heading over to the pool to round up the twins. I gathered up my knitting and headed into the house. I checked on the girls and Harry, satisfied they were all still asleep and to wait for Josh.

Shrieks emanated from the playroom window. I ignored the normal camaraderie as I put the final touches on the decorations in the yard. Satisfied with the streamers and balloons, I headed back into the house to put the supplies away. The doorbell rang, barely audible in the kitchen. I hurried to the door, letting Joey and family in.

"Welcome to the loony bin," I told them as they walked with me to the backyard. They continued to the backyard while I went into the playroom and found most of my kids piled on the floor with Josh's legs sticking out from the bottom of the pile.

"Tickle! Tickle! Tickle! Tickle!" the pile said. I leaned against the door frame and crossed my arms, watching the scene.

"Bri's here," I announced. I laughed as the twins started to  untangle from the pile and run towards the back door. Josh took the opportunity to get up from the floor. He tried to get out of the room before the children caught on.

"Daddy's getting away," I remarked. Zara, Olivia and Scottie started after Josh. He started after me, but I danced quickly out of his reach and bounded for the safe haven of the kitchen. I busied myself with gathering up the food items to take out to the grill. Josh shuffled by the door with one girl on each leg. He made them get off before following them outside.

"Celine!" I called as I picked up the tray. She came into the kitchen, a finger holding her place in her book. "Go and see if Harry's awake. If he is, could you bring him outside, please?"

Celine nodded and disappeared in the direction of the stairs. I took the tray out, setting it next to the grill.

"Moooom!" Celine yelled from the doorway. I turned and faced her.

"What?"

"Harry needs a new diaper!"

"Alright, I'll be in in a second," I called back as I rolled my eyes and headed back to the house. As I was changing him, the doorbell rang. It rang again before I could get to the door, freshly changed Harry on my hip. I let Jen in, giving her a quick hug as she handed me a gift.

"Thanks for the invite."

"It's a pleasure to have you here, really," I said as I closed the door. "Party's going on out back," I said, heading towards the backdoor.

"Look who's awake!" I announced as we reached the backyard.

"Yay!" Joey cheered. He swooped in and grabbed Harry from me and took off around the yard making airplane noises. I ducked back into the house to grab the rest of the things we needed outside and leave a note on the front door for the rest to come around back.

As I stepped back into the yard, the older kids were bouncing on the bouncy castle we rented and Joey was flying Harry around Josh. Harry was squealing 'Dada!' between giggles. I settled in at the table with Kelly and Jen. Josh got the grill started and I relaxed, catching up with Kelly. Jen stayed pretty quiet as we swapped stories about the kids and our husbands.

Lance arrived with his new boyfriend Pedro. They settled down across from each other at the end of the picnic table. Lance introduced Jen to Pedro. Josh put the food on the grill and he, Joey and Harry joined us at the table.

After a few minutes, the twins came up to the table, Brianna in tow.

"Can we go swimming?"

I looked over at Kelly, who nodded. I turned back to the three six-year-olds. "Did Bri bring her swimming suit?"

The trio squealed and started to turn towards the pool.

"Hey," I said. They all stopped and turned back to me.

"Go get changed and your towels first," I pointed towards the house.  As they went in to do as I asked, I got up and unlocked the fence that surrounded the pool and opened the small shed that housed all the toys. I sat back down at the table, smiling at Harry who was sitting on the table part between Kelly and Lance. The twins and Bri returned, immediately jumping into the pool, adding splashes to the laughs and shouts. Josh checked on the food and some of Celine's class friends arrived and they seemed to hang around under one of the trees, apparently gossiping amongst themselves.

"My baby girl's growing up, it looks like," I sighed. "Eight going on fifteen. I'm getting old." Jen and Kelly laughed.

"Sam, the food's almost done," Josh called from the grill. I nodded and went into the house to get the cold food items, buns and the plastic dishes and silverware. I set up the buffet table with the food as Josh pulled the meat off the grill and onto their respective plates. We gathered up the kids and started our meal.

I held Harry on my lap and let him eat the cut up hot dog off my plate.

"You're awfully quiet today," I commented to Jen as I helped Harry eat a mouthful of macaroni salad.

"Oh, um, sorry?" she replied.

"I was just checking if everything was alright," I looked over at her.

"Oh, um, yeah, I'm good. It's just," She quickly took a bite of her burger. I watched her, patiently waiting for her to finish her thought. After she swallowed, she dropped her voice to the point I had to lean in and hear her.

"It's just weird to watch them be dads," she finished.

It took me a minute before I realized what she meant. "Because they were famous?" She nods. "But they're just guys. Okay, so they've got money and it lets me be a stay-at-home mother," Jen nodded. "And there's a huge house and a shelf or two of awards and stuff, but they're just regular guys."

"I know." We went back to eating.

"How did you meet them?" she asked. I looked up, thinking back for a moment, surprised from the answer.

"Lance ran into me at the mall, actually." I answered. "Then I didn't hear from them for like nine months and then he called me up and invited me to a party," I continued.

"And surprised us with your plus two," Josh added, joining the conversation.

I looked at Jen. "I found out I was pregnant with Celine a few days after I met them," I clarified. "But yeah, they surprisingly kept in touch after that. I mean, who would keep in touch with a teen mom? Lance and I started dating, eventually marrying, and I'm sure you can figure the rest out," I wrapped up the general story.

Jen nodded and the conversation changed again. I concentrated on helping Harry eat, grabbing bites while he was chewing.

"You know, I was never Mrs. Bass legally," I said, glancing down the table at everyone. I just got blank stares. "I don't mean that our marriage wasn't legal," I started, looking at Lance. "But I never filed the paperwork to change my name. We were on tour, and then settling in and I got pregnant, and then we were seperating so it never really mattered that I never filed the paperwork. Actually, it made it easier that I never did."

"Interesting," Lance said. I gave him a half smile and a shrug.

"I always meant to," I added.

We let the topic drop as everyone finished eating. I handed Harry to Josh and went in for the cake and presents. I brought the cake out and lit the candle. Everyone sang to Harry and Olivia blew out the candle for him. I cut pieces for everyone and doled them out and sat back down. Pedro handed the camera back to me. I took a few shots of Harry feeding himself his cake, most of it ending up on Josh's shirt and lap.

"You know," Joey said between bites. "I can't get over how light his hair is. JC, you sure he's yours?" he joked.

"He takes after my family, actually. I'm the only brunette in my generation. They're all blonde. My brothers, my cousins? Blonde. Me? Brunette."

"Really? I didn't even know you had brothers," Kelly added. I nodded.

"They're half brothers really. Dad was married once before he married my mother. They're ten and thirteen years older than me. We were never close growing up so..."

"Mommy," Harry said, stretching his cake covered hands towards me. I returned my attention to him.

"You ready for presents?" I asked. He smiled. I reached over to the tv tray I had put the presents on and handed him the first one. Josh helped him open it and Harry giggled when an Elmo doll appeared underneath the paper.

"Oooh, thank you Uncle Joey and Aunt Kelly! I think he loves it," I thanked them.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur of photos and good company and conversation. As I put Harry down that evening, I kissed the top of his head, thanking the fates that he made it to this milestone and was healthy.

"Reservations are for tonight, Sam," Josh joked as he folded his arms behind me.

"Almost done," I answered, slightly oddly as I finished applying my mascara. I leaned back from the mirror. "Hair up or down?"

"It looks lovely, let's go." He moved towards the door. I picked up my brush and ran it through one last time. I grabbed my purse off the bed as I followed him out of our room and down the stairs.

Josh stopped in the door to the playroom. "We're heading out," he told Jen.

"Alright," I heard her answer.

"Don't wait up for us," he started.

"Josh!" I tried to not laugh and joined him. "Feel free to make yourself comfortable in the guest room if you're tired," I added. Jen nodded.

"Have a good night you two."

"Oh, I'm sure we will. Night!" I called as I headed for the door, Josh behind me.

"Bye Bye Bye!" Olivia yelled over her siblings. Her latest phase was watching Daddy's videos, and Bye Bye Bye was by far her favorite of them all. I couldn't make eye contact with Josh as I tried not to giggle.

We silently got into Josh's car and he pulled out.

"You had to show her the videos, didn't you?" Josh gently teased a few mintues later.

"It is rather adorable to watch her try to dance like Daddy."

"True." We lapsed back into a comfortable silence.

"It is nice to see you with your hair down for once though," Josh glanced sideways at me.

I smiled. "You mean outside of the ponytail it usually gets put into?"

"I guess," Josh replied. I watched him drive for a minute.

"I kind of miss the longer hair on you," I tell him.

"You do," Josh was unbelieving.

"I have some rather fond memories of running my fingers through it," I reply, letting my mind drift back to the nights where he would talk softly to the baby bump that was Zara. Those quiet nights at home, just the two of us, talking about anything and everything were some of the best memories from the best year of my life.

"Yeah," he said softly and I knew he was remembering too.

He pulled up to the restaurant, and there was a small crowd of paparazzi in front.  Josh sighed and mumbled an apology under his breath as he parked and talked to the valet. I carefully got out of my side and waited on the sidewalk for Josh. The photographers paid little attention to me until Josh joined me and took my hand. Then they seemed to recognize me. We ignored the requests as we headed for the front door.

"Ego alo vos," I  said. The simple Latin phrase was something I worked out for us to say to each other in public.

"Egosque vos," he replied as I taught him to. I gave him a brilliant smile as we entered the building.

The hostess seated us immediately in a quiet corner of the restaurant. We ordered our drinks and scanned the menu in silence. The waiter brought our drinks and took our order. We sat in silence for another couple of minutes, just enjoying being alone with each other.

"Six years," Josh said, looking at me.

"Hard to believe it's been that long already."

"Yeah." Josh took a sip of his water.

"How's the writing going?"

"Alright."

"That's good," I replied before changing the subject. Our food arrived and we ate in silence.

Once our meal was finished, Josh folded his hands and looked over at me.

"Where to next?"

I sat back and thought. "You mean, before your 'secret location'?" Josh shrugged.

My phone started ringing and I frowned a little as I checked the text message (Box arrived, in living room. Have a good night! - Jen) before setting it to a more silent setting.

"Everything alright?" Josh asked.

"Oh yeah, yeah. It's nothing," I smiled at him. "How about we do whatever you had planned?" I decided.

"If it's what you want," he said, a glimmer of mischief appearing in his eyes.

"It is," I answered. Josh flagged down our waiter and got our check and took care of it. I stopped in the bathroom to make sure I was still presentable before joining him at the door. He took my hand and leaned over to whisper in my ear.

"Ready?" I nodded.

We stepped out into the throng of photographers again, this time Josh let go of my hand and signed a few autographs while we waited for the valet to bring his car up. We were both surprised when someone shoved a photo that he just signed into my face, asking for my autograph.

"I..why?" I tried to ask as politely as possible.

The girl shrugged. She looked to be about my age. "Because you're an inspiration?" I glanced over at Josh, who was busy with someone else, shrugged and signed the photo. The girl thanked me and left. A video paparazzi took her place.

"Samantha! What do you think of Lance coming out of the closet?"

I couldn't help but laugh, "Are we still on that? I think it's great for him to have done so. I've never seen him happier," I replied.

"Is it true he kept it from you when you were together?"

"I am not going to divulge on what happened in the past."

"Sam, the car's here," Josh said, putting his hand on the small of my back and trying to help clear a path to the door.

He held the door for me and jogged around to the driver's side once i was in. He carefully pulled out and started heading west. We rode quietly until he pulled over on a side road and pulled out a bandana.

"Put this over your eyes," he started. I took it from him and did so, wondering what he had in store for the rest of the evening.

"How many fingers?" he asked.

"Twenty-six." I replied. He laughed and I felt the car start to move again.

We drove a few more minutes before he parked. He got out and after a minute, helped me out and held my hand as he walked us carefully up to a building. It was really quiet inside, and Josh left me for a few minutes. I could hear him talking quietly with someone else before he joined me again. We took an elevator, and as we left it, I started to get an inkling that we were in a hotel. Something about the silence and the stillness in the air that was unique to hotels. An atmosphere I knew well from my time on tour with them years earlier.

There were a few more sounds, probably the key in the slot, and a door opening before he let me take the blindfold off. I was right, it was a hotel room. But one much nicer than any I had ever stayed in before. The suite was huge, and there were pink, peach and cream rose petals sprinkled over the bed. Also in the center of the bed was a largish box.

I looked at Josh to find him studying me intently.

"It's lovely," I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He took me into his arms and started walking me slowly backwards to the bed until my legs hit the side, never breaking our embrace.

We were both breathing hard when we finally ended the kiss. Josh nodded at the box.

"Want to open your present before we forget?" I nodded, sat down on the bed and lifted the top off the box. Inside was a gorgeous wooden box with something engraved on it. I carefully took it out and read it.

To Sam on our anniversary. September 28, 2007.

I lifted the lid on the box and was surprised to find it full of expensive imported chocolates.

"It's gorgeous, Josh. Thank you," I whispered.

"You're welcome."

"Yours is at home, it was too big to bring tonight," I smiled apologetically.

"It's fine. You're here."

"That I am."

Josh picked up a remote from the side table and I picked up my chocolates and moved them somewhere safer than the bed. As I did that, Josh switched the lamp next to the bed on and the overhead lights off. I stood next to him as he hit a button on the remote and some slow music started playing softly from a cd player nearby.

Josh offered me his hand. "Care for a dance?" he asked. I smiled, took his hand and moved to stand against him and we started to sway gently to the music. I rested my head against his shoulder, closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of his stubble against the tiny sliver of skin where my hair parted.

The first song ended and I could not contain a small giggle as I instantly recognized the first chords of what had become our song. Where Justin should have started to sing though, it stayed instrumental, and Josh started singing the words softly. 

I joined him for the chorus, thinking back to that week six years earlier when the song really spoke to me, and the surprise on Josh's face when I asked to go first when doing our vows, only to quote one of their songs. We got to Josh's original solo part and I pulled back and kept eye contact with him, feeling the passion and intensity through both his voice and the fire burning in his eyes.

 When he got to the last line about kissing, he leaned in and we kissed. We walked together to the bed and he gently pushed me onto it and followed me as the rose petals poofed up around us and settled again as we continued showing each other just how we felt.

After a lot of discussion, a long flight, seven cranky kids, lots of tears shed, we had arrived in Ohio for Christmas. I sighed as I started my rented van and glanced back at the sleeping forms of Scottie, Zara and Harry. Celine and the twins opted to ride with Josh and Olivia was already asleep on his shoulder. Harry had slept most of the flight and was wide awake from landing until I strapped him into the car seat. I pulled out of the parking space and drove carefully over the slush covered lot to the highway, glancing in my rear view mirror to see Josh right behind me.

The drive our of town was a slow one.  They had just gotten a fresh layer of snow by the looks of it, and while the plows were out, the highways were still very slushy. I switched the radio on low, smiling as I found myself tuning it to my favorite station from growing up.

We eventually got to my mother's house. I left the car running as I pulled my keys out of my pocket and went up to the front door and unlocked it. I returned to the van, quietly waking up Scottie and Zara while unbuckling Harry. Josh was heading up with Olivia, Celine and the twins shuffling along behind him. I prodded my two and carried Harry in, meeting Josh in the living room.

"Where are we putting them?" he asked quietly. The older five were quickly chucking off all their winter gear everywhere and yawning.

"Put them in my old room. We can take the smaller one," I quietly replied as I started removing Harry's coat. I placed the sleeping toddler on the couch, removed his shoes and covered him with the coat I just removed.

"I'm going to go get the luggage. More snow on the way," I told Josh, who nodded as I slipped back out the front door.

By the time I unloaded the luggage and got it up to the house, most of the kids were tucked into the beds that were in my old room and Josh was hanging up assorted coats in the closet. Harry was still sleeping on the couch.

"The girls are in the smaller bedroom," he told me as I stomped my feet and took off my coat. He took it from me and hung it up.

"Thanks. There's blankets in the hall closet. Very last door. We can sleep in the living room tonight," He nodded and tiptoed down the hall. I made sure the door was locked, giving myself a quick reprieve. Welcome home, Sam.

Josh returned with the blankets. I took the one he offered me, giving him a grateful smile.

"I call dibs on the chair."

"You can take the couch," Josh offered.

"Nah, I know the secrets of sleeping in that chair. I've spent a lot of time dozing in it. Besides, we wouldn't want you to get a stiff back, old man," I teased gently.

"Alright," Josh yawned and started moving things around on the couch. I settled into the recliner, getting comfortable with Harry in my lap before covering us both with the blanket.

I was awoken by a poke in my eye.

"Ow!" I brought my hand up and rubbed my eye. Giggles erupted from my lap.

"Harry, it's not nice to poke Mommy in the eye," I said, opening them to see him giggling away on my lap.

"Mommy no sleep."

"Nope, you woke me up," I stretched and looked over towards the window above the couch. Harry followed my gaze.

"Daddy sleep."

"Yeah, we'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, putting my finger to my lips.

"Yeah. Shhh." Harry answered. I took a deep breath and smelled something baking.

"I think Grandma's up. Shall we go see?" Harry nodded. I hefted him off my lap and got up, tossing the blanket onto Josh. I took a moment to stretch before picking Harry back up and heading for the kitchen.

Mom was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and sipping coffee.

"Hi Mom," I said. She looked up at me.

"Good morning, Sam. Sleep okay?"

"Yeah, I suppose. Been a while since I slept in that chair though."

"That's good," she said before nodding at Harry. "He's getting big."

"They tend to do that, don't they?" I handed him over to her and went to the cabinets, getting out a bowl and some cereal for Harry.

"I've got cinnamon rolls in the oven," Mom said as she watched me.

"I know, I can smell them," I placed the dry cereal in front of Harry and handed him a spoon. At sixteen months old, he wasn't anywhere near mastering the use of utensils, but he loved to try and use them like his older siblings. I fixed myself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table across from Mom and Harry.

The timer went off at about the same time Zara and Olivia joined us. I got the rolls out of the oven and started frosting them before getting glasses of milk for the girls.

"You've become a great mother," My mom said as she watched me pull a few rolls off and set them on plates to cool faster for the girls. I looked over at her.

"Thank you, Mom. That means a lot."

"I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough parent for you."

"That's not true. I have wonderful memories of my childhood. You and dad just kind of...quit too early. You were gone way too much once I started junior high, and then after I got my license and could be truly independent, just not coming home at all. It's a testament to my upbringing that I didn't get into trouble long before I did," I told her. My phone started to ring as I finished and I retrieved it from my purse on the table next to the front door.

"Hello?"

"Hello Sam. You guys make it in okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Late last night. What time do you want to do the shindig?" I asked Scott.

"I don't know, sometime this afternoon?"

"Alright. Um, what time is it now?" I leaned back to get a glimpse of the clock.

"A little after ten. Jet lag?"

"Yeah, thanks. Three sound good?"

"Sounds fine. I'll be there later then. Bye Sam."

After a quick shower, I returned to find the rest of the kids up. I hugged Celine and kissed the top of her head.

"Happy birthday, sweetie."

"Thanks, Mom," she replied, mouth full of cinnamon roll. I snagged one for myself and placed a second one on a plate and headed for the living room. Josh was still asleep, facing the back of the couch.

I watched him sleep for a moment as I ate most of my roll before moving forward and wafting the last bite under his nose.  He wrinkled his nose for a second before opening his eyes.

"Good morning, Sleepy," I said as I ate the last bite. He frowned and sat up. I handed him the plate with his. "Everyone's up already."

"Mmmmhmm." Josh grunted as bit into his breakfast. I left him to eat in peace, instead asking Mom if the boxes of gifts we shipped the week before had made it, and then to her bedroom to start going through them to find Celine's birthday present. I was halfway through the second box when Scottie knocked on the door and called in. I put the packages on the floor behind the bed and told him it was open.

"There's someone at the door for you Mom," he said, hanging off the doorknob.

I frowned. "Who would be here for me?" I asked. He shrugged. I gently shooed him out of the room and closed the door behind me and headed for the door. A postal worker was standing there with a thin box and a signature pad.

"Samantha Chasez?" he asked as I reached the door.

"Yes."

"Package for you. Sign here, please," he offered the signature pad to me and I signed it and he handed me the box with a cheery holiday wish. I shut the door and opened the package. A bunch of papers came out, along with a set of keys. Frowning, I held the keys as I started reading the papers. I felt my eyes go wide as I started to understand what they were, and I quickly skimmed the rest of the pages. I looked up to see Mom and Josh watching me curiously.

"I..I need my phone," I thrust the papers at Josh and dove at my purse, pulling it out of it's pocket and pressing the buttons necessary to get the number I needed off my speed dial.

"Sam," Lance's voice answered.

"Are you out of your mind?" I asked.

"You got the paper work then."

"Yes, I got the paperwork! Are you out of your mind? You're giving me the house!"

"What?" I heard Mom ask and saw her look over at Josh out of the corner of my eye. I turned to face away from them as Lance answered.

"I had been thinking about it for a long time. I have no ties to Ohio, and you do. If you don't want the house, turn around and sell it then."

I was silent for a long moment.

"Sam? You still there?" Lance asked.

"Yeah, hold on a minute," I opened the closet and grabbed my coat and threw on the first pair of boots that were big enough and headed out the front door for privacy. "It's a house, Lance. I can't accept a gift that big from you."

"Technically, I'm selling it to you. The bare minimum I'm allowed to, and closing costs," he said.

"I can't do it Lance. I can't accept it. I just can't."

"Then sell it. Sign the paperwork, put it in your name, then sell it. I don't keep anything there I really need. Everything in the house is yours."

I shivered against the cold. "Lance, you really shouldn't go giving out completely furnished houses to people," I replied.

"I do if they're the mother of my children," he pointed out.

I was quiet as I thought it over. "Alright, I'll sign the papers. I don't know what I'll do with the house after that, but I'll sign the papers."

I could practically hear Lance's grin through the phone. "Merry Christmas, Samantha."

"Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, Lance." I hung up the phone and stared at the ground in front of me. It had snowed more over night and the tracks we made the night before were erased, leaving a pristine lawn in front of me. Finally, I turned around and went back in.

Josh was sitting at the dining room table, reading over the paperwork. I sat down across from him and put my head in my hand and watched him read.

"I couldn't get it out of him," I said quietly. Josh glanced up at me for a second before going back to the paper in front of him.

"Hmm," He said. "You had no idea this was coming, did you?"

I shook my head. "No, did you?"

"Not at all. But it's all here. Sign the paperwork, write a check and the house is yours by the end of the year," 

"I guess. But why? Why now? He hasn't used that house really since we moved out there."

"I honestly do not know," he said, looking at me. We stared at each other for a minute before he broke the silence. "Are you going to sign?"

"I told Lance I would. He said he didn't care if I turned around and sold it. I don't think I will though, that's the one you bought," I gave him a meaningful glance. "There's a lot of memories in that house. And let's face it, we don't really all fit here at Mom's anymore. Even if Celine and Scottie stay with Scott, there's simply not enough bed space for us all."

"True," Josh said. "But we can't just move everything over there right now. If he's got the utilities still on, I'd be surprised."

I picked up my phone and sent a text to Lance asking him if the utilities were on. We only had to wait a minute for the answer - they were.

"Well then, I say we move over there after Scott leaves." I looked at Josh and he nodded.

"Mommy! Daddy! Can we play in the snow?" Aurora and Aydin yelled as they ran in, followed by their siblings.

"Yep. Go get your boots, gloves coats and hats on and you can go out and play in the backyard," I said, smiling at them. "And if you ask nicely, Daddy and Grandma might join you."

"You too, Mommy?" Olivia asked, giving me her best puppy eyes.

"Yep, I'll join you in a little while, okay?" A chorus of happy shouts headed down the hall towards the front door. "You should probably go with them," I said to Josh. "I'll be out after I read and sign these."

Josh got up from his chair and pushed the papers over to me. His hand brushed mine and he let his fingers run over the back of my hand before heading down the hall to sort out what was happening. I settled in to thoroughly read the documents.

After signing the papers, I headed out to the backyard to join in the snowball fight. Eventually all the kids turned against Josh and I and we ended up running for our lives from the barrage of snowballs coming our way. After escaping with our lives (barely), we managed to coerce them into making snowmen. Mom even joined us with a camera and spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon taking photos. When Scott arrived, he joined us, and another snowball fight got underway. Eventually the kids started getting tired and we headed back into the house to warm up. Mom and I made hot chocolate for everyone as Celine opened her presents, and then we had dinner and cake, after which Scott left.

"Alright, kiddos," I started after he left. "Time to pack up everything. I've got a surprise for you! We're going to spend the rest of the vacation there, so make sure to get everything." They bustled off to gather up their toys and clothes and shove them back into the suitcases. I had filled Mom in on what had happened, and she understood why we were heading over to the other house. I had promised to be there bright and early on Christmas morning. She also agreed to store the boxes of presents until Christmas eve.

We loaded up the vans and headed over to the house that started it all, the one Josh bought and was going to be mine in a few short days. We sorted the kids out into bedrooms, and Josh and I returned to our former bedroom, unrecognizable with Lance's furniture in it.

"God, this feels weird," I said as I fixed the bed. Josh just grinned at me from the doorway. "What?"

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away," he sang softly under his breath. I groaned.

"I thought I banned that song that year," I warned.

"This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special," he continued singing, advancing across the room slowly.

"Alright, alright! I love you. Just please, stop singing that song," I plead to him, giving him my best doe eyes. He spent most of our first Christmas together singing that song under his breath that I got so tired of it and banned him from singing it.

He finally stopped and started laughing at me. I threw the pillow that was in my hands at him. He easily caught it.

"Dork," I said, starting to giggle. He sat on the bed and started undressing. I sat on my side, taking my shoes off. "Now I know what a fool I've been. But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again," I started singing under my breath without realizing until Josh chuckled.

"Argh, now you have ME singing it." I moaned, slapping my forehead with my hand. I climbed under the covers and snuggled against his warm body. "Please help me get it out of my head or I won't let you sleep," I lightly threatened. Josh chuckled again and started singing something else quietly.

I turned around and looked at the reflection of my butt in the mirror. With a frustrated sigh, I slipped my nightgown back on and climbed into bed. I switched the news on and let it talk quietly in the background while I checked my email. I smiled to myself when there was one from Sandy.

Hey Sam, it was great to hear from you! I'm doing alright. I've been working at a local retail store since we last met. I'm planning on starting my masters this fall, and have interviews at some colleges across the country. I am kind of hoping for a great program and scholarship to one farther west. Less snow and warmer temperatures sounds good right now.

Wow, I can't believe you and JC had another baby! He's adorable too. I can't believe how big they're all getting. What a handful they must be. Give them my best!

Sandy.

I gave a quick reply as Josh entered the bedroom. I sent it and turned the laptop off as he changed into his night shirt and took his pants off. He picked up his book and put his glasses on and spent the next minute or so looking for his place. I watched the news as he read for a little bit.

"What do you love about me?" I asked. Josh looked up from his book and blinked.

"Um....what?"

"What do you love most about me?

Josh stared at me for a long moment before answering. "I don't know. Your sense of humor, I guess."

"My sense of humor," I parroted back in a flat tone. Josh shrugged. "Okay." I said. I turned off the tv and the light on my side of the bed. Checked my alarm and scooted down and moved to lie on my side facing away from him.

I stared at the floor, sleep the last thing on my mind. I listened to Josh as he read for a little bit longer. After a few pages, I gave in and said what was on my mind.

"I don't blame you," I whispered.

"For what?"

"Not finding me attractive anymore." I heard a soft thud, probably him tossing his book back onto his nightstand and felt the bed move as he turned towards me.

"I still find you attractive."

I rolled over to face him and was struck with how handsome he was. He was giving me an intense look, like he was trying to drill a hole into my soul with his eyes. My mind blanked for a second before catching back up. "My boobs sag, I'm getting love handles, the pooch I've had since Harry was born won't go away, and I won't even get started on my butt."

"You will always be attractive to me," Josh said.

"Don't give me that shit," I warned.

"What?"

"Don't go spouting out that bullshit 'I'll always love you' that ends up in your songs. I've been around enough to know you can't possibly promise that."

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth."

"I am."

"No, you're not. You used to sneak glances at me when you thought I wouldn't notice. You don't do that anymore," I respond.

Josh just stared at me.

"See, you can't deny it," I remarked.

"I'm not, I... There's no way to respond to that." He took off his reading glasses and put them back down before facing me again. I watched him silently.

"I love you," he started.

"I don't doubt that," I answered. "Really, I don't." I added as he raised an eyebrow.

"Alright. Don't believe me then," he said after a moment. He reached over and turned the light off before settling down on his side of the bed. I turned to face away from him again. I was just starting to fall asleep when the bed shifted a little and I felt his body against mine.

His breath was hot against my ear as he whispered. "I'm sure you can tell what kind of effect you do have on me."

"Doesn't count, you could have been thinking of anyone," I murmured sleepily.

"Like you don't ever think about anyone else," he hissed. He pulled away and the mattress shifted again as he got up. I opened my eyes half way and looked in his general direction, barely making out his shape in the darkness. His pillow brushed against my back as he picked it up and headed for the door.

"If only you could see yourself as I do, Sam. You're one of the most beautiful people I know. I don't know what's gotten into you tonight, but I hope you figure this out soon." He said as he left the room.

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling for a long time as I worked out what just happened in my mind. I eventually sat up and checked the time- it was nearly one in the morning. I slipped my slippers on and grabbed my robe as I stood up. I padded down to the family room and found Josh stretched out on the couch. I stood next to him for a moment, watching him sleep. His lines erased by the magical effect of sleep, he looked like he was twenty-one again. I leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"I'm sorry and I love you," I whispered.  He shifted a little in his sleep, bringing his hand out from underneath his head to rest on his chest. I watched him for another moment before slipping out of the room. I was still wide awake, so instead of going back to bed, I turned off the alarm and slipped into the backyard and found myself staring up at the dull sky with only the light of the brightest stars making it through the smog. It was one of the things I missed most about Ohio. Looking up at the night sky and actually being able to see it.

I felt a sudden pang of sadness that my children wouldn't have some of the memories I cherished, of spending time outside in the middle of the night just to watch a meteor shower. Another wave of sadness hit hard as I realized it had been over two years since the other person that starred in those memories - my father - had passed. I let the tears come silently as I hugged myself, shivering against a cold that wasn't there.

Finally exhausted after the tears slowed, I returned to bed, glad for the moment that I was too exhausted to think.

I jumped when Josh's hand touched my shoulder. I removed my ear buds and shifted my laptop in a futile attempt to keep the screen from his view.

"Is there any cream cheese left?" Josh asked. He'd been on a cream cheese kick lately.

"Is there any left in the fridge?" I asked. He shook his head. "Well, that was all we had. Add it to the list." I went to put my earbuds back in, but he stood there with his hands on his hips. I put the ear buds back down on the keyboard.

"Driving directions from Ohio to Utah?" he asked. I sighed and shifted the computer back into his view.

"I need to get out of L.A. for a while," I started. "I was thinking of a road trip maybe."

"From Ohio to Utah."

"Sandy's got an interview at University of Utah, and she's never been west of Ohio. I was thinking we could go together. I've never seen anything between here and the Mississippi either."

"So when are you planning all of this then?"

"Mid-June. Her interview is the 16th. I'll just stay a few days longer when I fly out there to take Celine and Scottie to Scott's. I can work on the house, see my family and then Sandy and I will pack up her car and we'll drive our way to Salt Lake City. A few days of sight-seeing, she does her interview, I come home and she'll hook up with a cousin of hers to continue on her tour," I finished.

"And you were planning on telling us this when?"

I shrugged. "When we had it all planned out, I guess. We're just talking about it right now."

"I see," he watched me for a moment.

"I need to get out of L.A. for a while," I repeated. "It's starting to get to me." Josh moved to sit at the end of the couch and I moved my feet so he'd have the space.

"June's only two months away," he pointed out.

"I know," I replied, biting my lip. "You and Lance will be fine with the kids, won't you? I really want to do this, but I feel guilty of being away from them for so long," I whispered the last bit.

"Yes, we'll be fine with the kids. And don't feel guilty. You've been apart from them that long before," he assured me.

"Okay," I said, returning my attention back to the computer. "Any recommendations on hotel?" I asked, scrolling through a list of them. Josh was about to answer when something caught my eye. "OH! They have a Sandy region! That is too funny." 

"Awesome," Josh remarked. "Anyways, I don't know about hotels there."

"You've been through a few times," I pointed out.

"And none of those times I made the arrangements," Josh pointed out.

"And you never thought to check the hotel name as you shuffled in? Oh wait, never mind," I replied, thinking back to my brief time with them on tour. "You were lucky to know what city you were in half the time."

"Yeah," Josh agreed. He leaned back against the back of the couch and turned the television on. I placed the ear buds back in my ears and started to really plan the summer.

"You know I'm working this summer," Josh said from behind me. I jumped and looked up from the list I was making.

"Yeah, I know," I answered. America's Best Dance Crew had been a pretty good hit and they got renewed for a second season. 

"I figure you're going to have Lance take the twins, and Scott will have Celine and Scottie." he started. I nodded. "Are you taking the girls and Harry with you on the road trip?"

"No." I replied simply. Josh raised an eyebrow at me.

"They'll be spending a fair amount of time with Jen, that's not fair to them or Jen," he pointed out.

"No, they won't be. They're going to be at Grandma and Grandpa's for a month. Karen's already agreed to take them for a few weeks," I told him, going back to my list.

"You could have told me," Josh said softly.

"I thought I did," I looked up at him again. He shook his head. "Sorry," I apologized. We stared at each other for a moment before I went back to the list of things I needed to do for the road trip.

"Sam," Josh's voice was calm and quiet. I looked up, knowing just by the tone of voice I wasn't going to like what came next. "Why are you doing this, really?" he asked. His expression was sad and it sent a pang of guilt through me. I looked up for a moment, deciding on how to start the explanation.

"You remember when you surprised me at home after I left Lance?"

"Yes."

"You told me one of the days during that first week that Lance wanted me in the twin's life. And I told you I needed time to figure out who I was."

"I vaguely remember something about that."

"That's what this is about. I didn't take the time I needed to figure out who I was. And lately I've been feeling a bit...lost, I guess. I just want two weeks to myself, without you, without the kids, to figure some things out about myself. That's all I want, two weeks. I'll be back at the end of June and we'll go from there."

Josh studied me for a moment. "Are you okay, Sam?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, I'm okay," I held his gaze as he searched my face.

"No, you're not." he said softly and he closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me. "Talk to me," he whispered into my ear.

I leaned into him for a moment, breathing in the scent of our laundry detergent and him. For the moment, this was the Josh I had married. The one that knew me better than I knew myself and could see through any facade I put up, and would call me on it.

"I'm just tired," I whispered. Josh rubbed my back gently waited for me to continue. "Tired of being nothing but a label. Tired of being Samantha Chasez, Sam the Super-Mom. I'm tired of the negative comments from the press that I get in my inbox occasionally from well-meaning friends, thinking I should probably know what they're saying about me. I want no, need to be just Sam for a little while," I whispered.

Josh continued to hold me and rub my back and kissed the top of my head.

"Getting away for a few days with the girls worked the last time. I just want it to again," I pulled back and looked up at him. His eyes were sad as he looked at me.

"Okay," he said simply. "You are definitely going on that trip and I don't want you to worry about a thing while you're on it."

I gave him a shaky smile, feeling drained from the effort involved in telling him what had been building up.

"I love you, Samantha. Never doubt that," he said, his eyes never leaving mine.

"I know. I love you too, Joshua," I answered back. He squeezed my hand and I squeezed back, mentally shifting into the organized logical mode I had to be in to keep everything from falling about me.  I offered Josh a small smile again before returning to my list. Josh gave me a patt on the butt as he left the kitchen, heading for the family room.

The morning after I arrived in Ohio I headed to my mother's house. I let myself in after a knock to let her know I was there, and she greeted me in the living room with a hug.

"I was just about to go visit Grandma. She's not doing too good,” Mom said as she let me go.

"Then let's both go," I said.

Grandma was still in bed when we arrived. Mom made her some tea and I sat with her and we talked for a long time, sharing memories, pictures of my children and that of my cousin's new baby, and generally just everything that came to mind. It had been a long time, too long, since we had done something like this. But I kept having a nagging feeling that something was going to happen soon. It was near the end of the visit it really hit me hard.

"Samantha, I'm really proud of you," Grandma said.

"Thanks, Grandma," I replied.

"I was really worried about you for awhile there, Sammy," her voice was quiet from fatigue. "You got pregnant so young. But you really pulled yourself together and look at you now," she smiled weakly at me. "You should have gone into teaching, you're very good with kids."

I had to swallow back tears before I could speak. "Thank you, Grandma."

The rest of the week went by quickly. I kept busy rearranging furniture, packing up some of Lance's things to ship back to him, painting and generally turning my house back into my house. I was getting ready to leave in the morning when Mom called.

"Grandma's back in the hospital,” she told me.

I sighed, the feeling of unease bubbling back up again. "What happened this time?"

"She went to the doctor for tests, and fainted when they went to take blood. They rushed her in and they're admitting her."

"I'm sorry, Mom," I whispered.

“Thanks honey, I've got to run, the doctor just came in,” Mom said. We exchanged farewells.

Morning came too early. We started by waking up when we had planned on leaving. We rushed about, tossing our suitcases into her car, making sure everything was taken care of. Finally, we piled into our cars, dropped off my rental and went to breakfast. We were like a couple of school girls, excited over the Event ahead of us.

We were soon talking and singing along to the radio as we started our trip westward.

Ohio wasn't exciting, having lived there for most of my life, though we had a great giggle over mile marker sixty-nine being in Wood county.

“I've never seen you so carefree," Sandy said as we neared the state line.

"I haven't felt this young in a long time." I placed my sunglasses over my eyes. "This is my first time taking a few days to myself in years, and I decided that for this week, I'm not going to worry about a thing except having a good time."

"When was the last time you felt like this then?" She asked. I could tell she was getting into her psychology mode and would over-analyze anything I said. I thought for a few moments.

"Before Celine," I finally answered. When we reached the state line, we got out the cameras, taking pictures of the toll booth (for the time) and the Indiana state sign. We giggled as we drove through into Indiana. I kicked off my shoes.

"I'm barefoot! In Indiana!" I squealed.

"I've never been this far west!" Sandy exclaimed.

Indiana went somewhat quickly. We stopped for lunch at a rest stop, but other than that we kept on going. Kept on talking and singing loudly to the music we had brought, and just enjoying the trip. We reached construction just outside of Gary, Indiana. I burst into a grin and changed the song to one I had put on the ipod just for this moment and burst into song. Sandy laughed, shaking her head for a second, but by the end of the song, we were both singing.

"Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary Indiana, My home sweet home!"

"God, we're such dorks," she said as the song ended.

Sandy turned the music down a little as she concentrated on driving. I got quiet and watched the cement wall and orange barrels go by. The construction lasted until we were leaving Chicago. We were pulling into a rest stop for a bathroom break and change of drivers when Mom called.

"Hi Mom," I answered.

"Hi sweetie. Where are you?"

"Somewhere west of Chicago."

"Oh, I love Chicago."

"It was full of construction. Beige walls and construction," I replied.

"I just wanted to see where you were. You guys are really booking it,” Mom told me.

"We're not really stopping to see anything while it's still toll roads."

"Makes sense," Mom agreed.

"Right. I'm going to let you go, I need to use the girl's room and then it's my turn to drive. Iowa's going to be interesting."

"Is that where all the flooding was?"

"Yes," I replied. Iowa had just had the worst flooding in over a decade the week before. I had kept the weather channel on while I was home, keeping up with the news.

"Be careful, sweetie." Mom advised.

"I will. Take care of Grandma. Give her a hug for me." We exchanged good-byes, and after a run to the bathroom, I met Sandy at the car. She tossed me her keys and I got behind the wheel for my shift.

Illinois was flat. And mostly farmland from what I could see. Sandy and I got quieter, the long hours in the car were starting to catch up with us. She pulled out a book and started reading and I turned the music down more, until it was more of a background noise. I relaxed into my favorite driving pose and started singing along softly under my breath.

"I'm surprised we haven't heard more JC songs," Sandy commented a while later.

"Meh," I responded. I saw her glance up out of the corner of my eye.

"You're not a fan?" she sounded surprised.

"I am. He's my husband, how can I not be? But that's just it - he's my husband," I try to explain. "His music is memories for me."

"Oh," Sandy replied. I hoped she understood what I was trying to explain.

We crossed over the Mississippi River into Iowa. Sandy got the photos of the river and state sign.

"Looks like Mississippi with less trees," I commented after a few miles.

"You've been to Mississippi?" Sandy sounded surprised.

"Lived there for a few months. After the twins were born."

"Oh."

After using the restroom and checking the weather map and the inside of the next rest stop, we ventured out the backside. There was a field of wildflowers and long grass. We walked around a little, taking photos of the beauty there before settling on a bench.

"There is a perk to being married to Josh," I stated. I was scrolling through my ipod's library for one of the special tracks Josh made just for me.

"Oh?" Sandy asked, looking up from the flowers.

"Yeah. I get exclusive songs," I answered. I handed her the device, set to play an unplugged version of You Ruined Me. Just Josh and the piano. I sat back and watched Sandy as she listened to it.

"That's really beautiful," she reviewed, handing the player back.

"Yeah," I agreed. "It's one of my favorites. But that might be because of what it's about.”

"Is he going to release anything new soon?" she asked.

I shook my head, "No, he's giving it all to ABDC right now. He's still writes the occasional song, but he's not focused on that. Which is a shame since that album he was working on was going to be brilliant," I sighed.

"You've heard it?"

"He let me hear the ones he had finished. He's such a perfectionist that way. He won't let anyone listen to it if it's not finished. But that album, Sandy, was beyond beautiful," I praised.

"I'm sure it was."

I stood up and stretched. "Well, as fun as this is, we didn't drive to the middle of Iowa to delve into the psyche of my husband," I replied.

"Sorry," Sandy apologized.

"Eh, I'm sure we'd both be rather interesting studies," I assured, heading back into the building.

"It is rather interesting, the celebrity factor."

"They're just people that are put onto pedestals by other people."

"True. And then there are those people who want to be famous."

"I didn't want to be famous," I pointed out. “I just fell in love.”

"I wasn't talking about you. But you did know what you getting into when you married JC, didn't you?"

"For the most part, yes. As long as the paparazzi don't go after my kids, I don't care about the celebrity factor. You have to ignore that stuff and focus on reality," I explained.

"Makes sense," Sandy said.

It wasn't long after we left the rest stop we started to see the flooding. I maneuvered into the right lane and Sandy rolled down her window and took pictures with our cameras. We were stunned at the sheer amount of water that was present. It was just everywhere you could see from the edge of the road beyond. It was like Iowa was a lake with buildings and shrubbery islands. A lighter moment was the adult store afloat in a parking lot lake.

Des Moines was rather deserted and still very much covered in puddles. It felt quite odd to drive through a town that felt so deserted.

The first rest stop after Des Moines I pulled into and we switched seats again. Sandy was going to take us to Omaha, another two hours away, but our half-way point and where we were going to stop for the night.

Western Iowa was really very pretty. Long grass swayed in the breeze of the cars as we went past. The sky started to cloud up in late afternoon, and we could feel the temperature dropping with each mile.

"I think it's going to rain," Sandy said.

"Yeah, I think you're right," I said, staring up at the dark clouds ahead of us.

We continued a few more miles before the rain started. And then it started to get really dark, with forks of lightning every couple of minutes. And it started to hail. Sandy slowed way down as the visibility was cut literally in half almost instantly. I got out my phone and called Josh.

"Are you at home?" I asked as soon as he picked up.

"No, I'm at the studio, why?"

"Nothing. I'll call you back, okay? Love you," I answered and hung up before waiting for his reply. I hit the next number on my speed dial - Lance.

"D'ya have access to a tv?"

"Hello to you, and yes."

"Sandy and I are in western Iowa and hitting some weather. Could check it for me?"

"Sure, give me a sec." There was a few seconds of silence before the tv kicked on.

"Okay, got weather channel on, waiting for it to go to the radar," Lance updated me.

I saw something out of the corner of my eye and I focused my attention to the area. There was a line of funnel clouds directly to our northwest. I counted about four during the brief flash from the lightning.

"Oh. My. God. Sandy....." I gestured towards the line of tornadoes.

"What? Sam, what's going on?" Lance asked. Another flash of lightning directly behind the tornadoes outlined them perfectly. There was definitely four of them in a row, and they were definitely tornadoes.

"Oh my god!" Sandy started to freak out.

"Sandy, keep driving! They're going away from us I think," I said as another flash lit up the world. The tornadoes didn't seem any closer than the last few times and I relaxed slightly, but was keeping alert.

"Sam!" Lance sounded worried.

"We're fine. The tornadoes are going the other way," I replied.

"The...Sam, you should get off the road if it's that bad!"

"There's nowhere to go! Trust me, we'll be pulling over whenever we get to an exit. They really need more of them in Iowa," I complained.

"Radar's on. There's a storm covering the western two counties," he said. "It's going pretty fast, I think.”

The lightning got even worse, if possible. It was almost a continual flow of light as the lightning just kept coming.

"Oh. My. God," I said again, dragging it out a little. The lightning was still going as I finished the sentence. "Lance, I've got to go, I'll call you back when I can!" I said quickly and hung up.

I took a deep breath and tried to wrestle my fears down enough to handle this. It was only a storm, after all.

We finally reached an exit after about an hour. But the only motel in the small town was booked. Back into the car we got and continued westward. Josh called as we got back on the interstate.

"Hey," I answered.

"Sam," Josh sounded relieved.

"We're fine. I need to go, I'm helping Sandy drive. I'll call you when we get to a hotel, okay?"

"Fine. Be careful," he answered. We hung up and I resumed staring out into the pitch black, waiting for road signs to appear while Sandy concentrated on keeping the car in the lane.

We eventually made it into Nebraska, and Omaha appeared to be deserted. Not surprising as it was nearing eleven at night. We kept going to the first exit just outside of Omaha and thankfully, the hotel had a vacancy. We rode up to our room in silence, both of us exhausted from the long day on the road. We quietly got changed and ready for bed. Sandy had called her parents and hung up already before I got out of the bathroom. She turned the tv on the weather channel and muted it while I called Josh.

"Hey," I said when he picked up. "We're in a hotel outside of Omaha."

"Good. I was worried about you," he told me.

"I know. I'm sorry about earlier, I needed someone who could tell me what we were up against."

"Oh my god, Sam, somebody died in that storm!" Sandy said from the other bed. I turned to face the tv and read the text on the bottom of the screen.

"That's horrible." I turned back to facing the wall and quietly told Josh what was going on.

"Sam, you really sure you need to do this? Something could have happened to you tonight."

"Yeah, I do need to do this. 'This' is what I should have done six years ago instead of jumping into a relationship with you like I did. Maybe when I get back to L.A. I'll know who I am." I yawned.

"I'll let you go so you can sleep," Josh offered.

"Okay. I'll call or text when we reach SLC. Love you," I made a quiet kissy sound into the phone and was rewarded with his laugh. I smiled sleepily as he returned the sentiment and we hung up. I glanced over at Sandy to find her fast asleep already. I called Lance and let him know we were fine in a hotel and thanked him for his help before climbing into my bed and going to sleep myself.

Nebraska went slowly. We stopped somewhere in the middle to switch drivers again, and we were pretty subdued compared to the day before. The terror over the storm had taken a bit of a toll on us. We had just gotten lunch at this little gas station/pit stop place called Fat Dogs. It made us giggle because there was a sign above the store name that proclaimed "You are Nowhere".

It got windy and cold as we headed into Wyoming. We rolled the windows up and I did my best to keep the car in the lane as the strong winds gusted.

"Look!" Sandy shouted suddenly, pointing at the road ahead of us. A lone tumbleweed blew across the road. We both just started laughing and the good feeling from the day before started to fill the car again.

We switched drivers again at a memorial to Lincoln that commemorating the interstate, known as "The Lincoln Highway.”

We came around a bend in the interstate and we could see the Rocky mountains. We thought they were a cloud at first, until several miles later they hadn't moved at all. And when the sun set on them hours and most of a state later, they turned purple.

It was dark when we finally entered Utah, and we still had about a hundred miles to go. Sandy was getting tired and cranky as we reached the complex mess of highways that wound around through the mountains into the city below. It was near eleven when we finally got off the highway and pulled into the hotel.

Sandy stayed in the car while I went to go get us checked in. I walked up to the counter and gave them my name. They looked up my reservation, and told me the price. I pulled out my wallet and got the money out.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Chasez, but we don't take cash."

"Will you take a check?" I asked.

"I'm sorry. We can only take credit cards."

"I don't do credit cards at hotels, you all give me a hard time over it because they're in my husband's name," I remarked snidely.

"Then perhaps your husband should join us here?"

"He's not here," I answered, going through my wallet and pulling out my debit card. "This has a MasterCard sticker on it. Will you take that?"

"I'm sorry, but we only take credit cards."

"I want to speak to your manager," I answered. I waited while he got his manager.

"What's the problem, Miss?"

"You only take credit cards," I pointed out.

"Yes, that's right. We only will accept credit cards, for security reasons."

"All I have in my name is a MasterCard debit card," I offered him my card.

"I'm afraid I can't accept that," he said. I sighed.

"Fine. I'll find somewhere else to stay then," I said, packing my things back into my purse and walking back to the car.

"What's wrong?" Sandy asked as I slammed the door.

"They won't take cash or my card," I said, grinding my teeth. "We don't have anywhere to stay."

Sandy looked slightly panicked, and I grabbed the tourism book from the glove compartment and handed it to her. "Look for somewhere for us to stay," I told her as I got my phone out and called Josh.

I relayed what transpired to Josh and heard him get his laptop out and start clicking away on it. Between the two of them, we found a hotel that accepted cash and had available rooms. I thanked Josh for his help and we headed over to the new hotel and checked in.

Salt Lake City was fun. Our first day was full of finding the college and generally just driving around the city, getting a feel for it. On Sunday we went to the zoo, and had a blast of a time walking the whole place and taking pictures of animals.

The sixteenth was a Monday. Sandy and I went to the college together. She went in for her interview and I wandered around the campus a little, before stopping at a little cafe just off the campus. I settled into a booth near the window and ordered a soda and sat back with a book I had brought, but spent more time people watching.

Once Sandy was done with her interview, I met her back on the campus. We headed back to the hotel for her to change and grab a bite to eat. Then we decided to see a movie that and chose Kung Fu Panda.

We went to the Great Salt Lake and got a bit lost at first, and tried to trek across the shoreline where there wasn't any sand, though I did get some fantastic pictures of Sandy looking lost along the long stretch of nothing. We eventually went down the stretch of beach where there was sand.

"Oh! It's warm, like pee!" Sandy said as she wadded out into the water a little. With that, we both lost it, and I doubled over giggling. We eventually headed back and visited the gift shop. I ended up buying two magnets that read "My friends went to Utah and all they got me was this lousy magnet!" and planned on sticking one on Lance's fridge and seeing how long it would take him to notice.

Wednesday was my last full day in Salt Lake City and we visited the planetarium. We walked around, playing with things and reading the captions on the photos. I took photos of everything, knowing that Aydin and Lance would go crazy over it all. There was also a Moonscape and Mars landscape that you could walk through, and we took photos of each other delivering the leftover pizza from lunch on Mars. Eventually we hit the gift shop, where I spent an eternity trying to figure out what to get who, because not only did they have space related things, they had multitude of awesome toys and gadgets.

Thursday morning was spent in the hotel as I packed up everything and got ready to leave. I was taking the bus back to L.A. Once I was packed, we went to lunch at the IHOP down the road and met up with her cousin, whom was very nice, and we went back to the hotel for the few hours that were left before I had to leave.

On the bus, I sat back with my iPod and let the gentle rocking of the bus eventually lull me into sleep. I awoke around midnight, as we were pulling out of the stop before the transfer. I got out my reading light and read for the last hour before we reached Vegas.

In Vegas, I had two hours before the next bus, and after grabbing a snack, I hung out, listening for the announcement of my bus.

Once back on the bus, I let myself doze off again, waking up again just before we pulled into the station in L.A. I stretched and was glad that I didn't have a seat mate for this leg of the trip. I fished out my sunglasses and put everything back into my bag as we pulled in and everyone started getting off. I grabbed my suitcase and extra duffel bag and lugged them into the lobby, surprised to find Josh was sitting in a chair, his head propped against his hand as he slept. I went up to him and kicked his foot gently, startling him out of sleep.

"Hey Sleepy," I greeted him. He stood up and pulled me into a hug. I hugged him back.

"I missed you," he whispered into my ear.

"I missed you too," I whispered back as he pulled out of the hug and held me at an arm's length and he looked me over.

"It was only a few weeks," I said.

"It's been a long few weeks. Ready to go home?" he asked. I nodded and he picked up my bags and I followed him to the car, dragging my suitcase on its wheels.

Josh met me at the door as I brought in the first bags of groceries.

"I'll get these, you should call your mom," he said, taking them from me. I stared at him, dread filling me.

"It's not your grandmother," he said, noticing I hadn't moved after putting the bags down. He headed out to the garage and I went to the phone, biting my lip as I dialed home.

"Hello honey," Mom answered.

"Hi, Mom. Josh told me to call you," I let the question drop.

Mom sighed. "Your grandfather died," she said slowly.

I blinked. "Grandpa?"

"Yes, Grandpa Kern."

"How...when?"

"I don't know sweetie, I just read his obituary in the paper this morning. Apparently it was Monday morning. The funeral is set for Friday, I think. Hold on, let me get the paper," Mom was quiet for a moment as she found the paper and then she read the obituary to me.

"I don't think it'd be worth the hassle to come out for the service," I answered. "Not that I'd be welcome anyways."

"Like it or not, you are blood family to them," Mom pointed out.

"I know, I wish I could be there to see the look on Robin's face to see me there." I glanced at Josh, who was putting the food away. I leaned against the counter top and watched as he put the tea bags into the canister as Mom chuckled.

"I didn't even hear he was sick," she said.

"Me either. I hadn't talked to them since Dad's burial. Actually, I hadn't talked to them much after Grandma Kern's funeral." My father's mother had passed away just weeks after Josh came out here for his two month writing frenzy in 2002.

"I was never good enough for your father," Mom replied.

"It's their loss, really, Mom. I feel bad he never got to know his great-grand kids, but it was his choice."

"I agree," Mom sighed. "I guess I should go though."

"Take pictures," I joked. Josh looked over at me from over the fridge door with raised eyebrows.

Mom laughed. "I will," she promised.

"I suppose I should send flowers," I said, standing up and turning to face the counter top, grabbing the pad of paper and pen that we left there. "What was the details on the service?"

Mom repeated the details from the obituary and I scribbled them down. I thanked her and we hung up. I paused for a moment and got the phone book down from the cabinet and flipped through to the florists and ordered two arrangements, one from me and Josh, the other from the kids.

I slammed the cabinet door as I put the phone book back. "Just fucking typical," I muttered to myself.

"I'm sorry," Josh said from the doorway to the family room. I jumped, having forgotten he was there.

"Thanks," I gave him a small smile. "And thanks for doing the groceries for me."

"No problem," he siad. He studied my face. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I went to the fridge and got out a bottle of lemon water and took a sip. "It's just so typical of him to do that," I pointed out.

"What?"

"Be sick and not tell anyone. I'm sure my Aunt Robin knew, and I'm sure he told her not to call anyone else in the family to tell them," I spat out. "We weren't good enough, Mom and I. And they weren't too fond of my brothers either, because Dad would bitch at them about Miss Pat, I guess." I took a deep breath before continuing. "They pretty much cut ties with us after Grandma died. I figured it was their loss and accepted it, and I haven't seen or heard from them since Dad's burial."

"Where they brought their own pastor?" Josh asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, they didn't like that Dad had changed denomination. They were pretty livid about the memorial service being at Mom & Dad's church and not at the one he grew up in. That extra pastor thing was a power play over Mom. They had been married for twenty-seven years, but he was theirs first."

Josh shook his head. "I don't think I blame you for not trying to keep contact with them."

"One of the things you can say about them though is that they're determined. They make up their mind, there's no changing it," I explained. I grinned at him. "And never play poker against one either."

"I'll keep that in mind," Josh said before heading towards the stairs.

I peered into the semi-darkness of our bedroom after waking up way too early for Labor Day. Unable to go back to sleep, I carefully moved Josh's arm from where it lay across me just under my chest. He rolled over onto his side, curling his legs up towards his chest as I got out from under the covers and got up.

I shrugged into my robe as I padded down the hallway, peeking in on the kids, checking on them. I headed for the kitchen and started the coffee. As soon as there was enough, I poured myself a cup and fixed it the way I liked it before taking a sip. Feeling more awake, I glanced at the clock and did the math. It was nearly nine am in Ohio. I picked up the phone and called Mom.

"You're up early," Mom quipped.

"Woke up and couldn't go back to sleep," I answered. "Is everything okay there? I've got a feeling like something's about to happen," I explained.

"Well, Grandma's in Hospice and we've been told to call the family in," Mom admitted after a moment.

"This is it then," I whispered.

"Looks that way, sweetie."

"Alright, I'll get looking at flights then. I want to be there for the service at least," I replied, sipping my coffee.

After hanging up with Mom, I let myself think about Grandma. With her imminent passing, the family I grew up with would be down to just Mom. Sure, I still had two older brothers, and some extended family, but I had never been close to them.

After the tears subsided, I got into gear, booking tickets for everyone. After a shower, I pulled out the luggage and started packing, stopping only to get cereal and milk out as my children started to wake up. Finally, everyone was packed and ready for our flights that afternoon.

Once in Ohio, Zara, Olivia, Aydin, Aurora and I collected our luggage (Josh took the later flight with Celine, Scottie and Harry) and got a rental van and headed for the hospice building where Grandma was. It was late evening and they were almost done with regular visitors hours. They directed me to Grandma's room and Mom stood up when we entered. We hugged, and then I hugged my aunt. Finally, I got a look at Grandma. Almost all her hair was gone from the chemo and radiation, the few wisps left were clasped in a pretty barrette. Her face and hands were extremely poofy, and she was sleeping heavily, with pauses between breaths. I felt a tug on my hand and turned to see Aydin looking up at me with wide eyes.

"Is she going to die?" he whispered. I felt all the air in my lungs rush out and was instantly holding back tears. I nodded and knelt down to give him a hug. He hugged back, and Aurora turned it into a group hug. I let a couple of tears fall and kissed both of them on the temple.

"I love you so much," I whispered to them as we pulled away. They looked a bit unnerved and I gave them the best reassuring smile I could as I wiped away the tears.

"Why don't you two go and take Zara and Livvie out to see the fish?" I asked. We passed a huge fish tank on our way in, and I knew they'd be fascinated for a few minutes. They nodded and the four of them headed into the lobby. My mom went to get another cup of coffee and I took her vacated chair, picking up Grandma's bloated hand.

"Hey," I told her quietly. "I'm here, Grandma. I don't know if you can really hear me, but I love you and I will miss you. I don't know if I'll get to see you again, but If I don't, I hope the trip to wherever goes smoothly, and tell Grandpa I said hello." I squeezed her hand and sniffed a few more times.

After a few minutes, I squeezed her hand and decided it was time to head home. I bid my aunt good night and headed for the lobby a few doors away. Mom was sitting in a chair, holding her coffee, watching her grandchildren tapping and running the length of the fish tank.

I sat down next to Mom and rubbed my temples. We sat quietly, watching the kids and the fish.

"How are you holding up?" I broke the silence.

"Alright, I suppose," Mom looked down at her coffee. We sat silently some more. Olivia finally got bored enough of the fish and crawled up into the chair next to mine and sighed dramatically.

"Ready to go home?" I asked her. She nodded. "Alright, let me go say good night to Aunty Patty. Go give Grandma a hug."

Olivia nodded again and scooted off the chair and walked over to the chair next to Mom and climbed on and hugged her. I smiled as I got out of the chair and headed back into the room. I said good night to my aunt and gave Grandma one last squeeze on the hand. I bid Mom good night and peeled the kids away from the fish tank and herded them to the car for the half hour drive to our Ohio home.

After they had gone to bed, I sat in the living room, listening to the silence of the house and doing more crying than crocheting. Josh arrived just before midnight, and I decided to call it a day and followed him to bed.

It was like a family reunion the following day when we arrived to visit. All my cousins that still lived in the state were there, and my uncle (as well as my favorite cousin Mary) had made it in from Arizona. My oldest cousin was missing, but his wife and nearly year old daughter were present.

Josh excused himself not long after we arrived, taking Harry with him, and I promised my teenaged cousin Brittney fifty bucks if she would take the kids outside into the court yard that over looked the lake. We decided that it was a nice day out, and paged a nurse to help us move Grandma and her bed out onto the concrete patio just outside her door and into the sunlight. She mumbled a little when they wheeled her over the bump, the first sounds I had heard her make since arriving, and we gathered around her bed and chatted. Josh popped in the room long enough to root through my purse for a diaper and wave at us as we all turned to look.

Needing a little reprieve from the family, I wandered through the halls, exploring the facility. Near the public bathroom I started to hear a piano and followed the sound down the rest of the short corridor to the next one, which didn't have patient rooms, but were lined with offices and therapy rooms. I walked past a visiting room, the only room where smoking was allowed, giving the people inside a smile as I passed. The next room was labeled "Music Therapy" but seemed to be half music therapy, half library as one side was cordoned off with a low bookshelf and there were a few chairs and more books on that side.

The piano was a keyboard up against the wall just inside the door, and Josh was sitting on the bench, Harry on his lap. Harry would play a key and then look up at Josh, his eyes wide. Josh would smile at him and play a little tune for him, Harry watching his every move.

"Trust you to find the one room in the entire building where you could not only hide, but play music," I joked. Josh and Harry gave me identical stares and I pulled a chair over from the other side of the room.

"Sorry for running out like that," Josh apologized.

"No worries, it was pretty crowded in there. And Mom's side of the family is pretty female-heavy," I turned my attention to Harry as he tentatively played two keys at the same time. "I think someone's going to get a toy piano form Santa this year. First time on an instrument and he's not even trying to break it."

"Yeah," Josh said, playing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" single-handedly. I watched them for a moment before scooting onto the bench next to Josh. I pressed a few keys, frowning until I found the right one. Josh watched as I stretched my fingers and looked at him. He smiled and started playing the beginning of "Heart and Soul" and I joined in with the melody.

After we play through it once, I drop my hands and turn my head, pressing a kiss against his shoulder. "Thank you," I murmur, resting my cheek against his shoulder.

"How ya doing, honey?" he asked, turning the keyboard volume down as Harry starts whacking on the keys.

"Alright at the moment. This one's hitting me pretty hard though," I admit as I turn back around. Josh rubbed my knee. "It's so hard to see her like that. Half of me wants her to get better, the other half just wants her to hurry up and get it over with. Am I horrible for wanting that?"

"No, I don't think so," Josh answered. I look down at my hands for a moment, trying to straighten out my emotions.

"We should probably put in a little more face time, then head home," I sigh before getting up. Josh turned the keyboard off and put Harry on the floor, taking his hand. I put the chair back and joined them in the hall, taking Harry's other hand, we started to head back towards Grandma's room.

The people in the visiting room called out as we walked by. We stopped and they asked if that was us playing the music. We replied that it was, and they thanked us for the lovely music. We thanked them and continued on down the hall.

"Swing!" Harry asked as we reached the lobby. I glanced at Josh. He shrugged and we lifted our arms at the same time, letting Harry swing for a step before putting him back down.

"'Gain!" he cried between giggles. We continued across the lobby slowly as he wanted to swing every other step. Brittney was there with Zara and Olivia, making up stories about the fish. Celine was curled up with her latest book in a chair nearby.

Grandma was back in the room and everyone else were gathered in there. I guided Harry over to where Chloe was playing with someone's set of keys.

"Moooom," Scottie whined. "Can we go yet? There's nothing to do."

"We will soon. Why didn't you bring anything like I told you to? Where's your Game Boy?"

"I left it in the caaaar," he whined.

"Stop whining, you sound like a baby," I told him.

"But Moooooooom,"

"But Scoooooooooott," I mimicked him. A couple of the adults chuckled and he sulked out the door and towards the lobby.

We spent another hour there, Mary having pinned Josh and I down and we talked about her wedding, which she had just set the date for the following August. Eventually Brittney had drifted back in with Zara and Olivia, both of them asking when we were going to leave. We made our goodbyes and after stopping for an early dinner, went back home.



The next morning was spent doing laundry and putting bored kids into time-outs since they only had a few games to play and no cable tv to watch. I was looking forwards to taking Celine and Scottie down to the high school after they let out so they could hang with their father for a few hours. Josh got tired of the bickering and walked them down to the local park to blow off some energy, giving me time to finish the laundry in peace and grab one of the rare bubble baths that I was in desperate need of. I took the opportunity to let my guard down and let everything out.

Once I had cried myself dry, I rinsed off before heading into the bedroom, sniffling a little as I dried off and got dressed. I left a note for Josh and went to the store to get some groceries. When I returned, they were back from the park, and after a lunch of mac and cheese, I took the kids to Mom's so that Josh could get some peace for a few hours.

Mom surprised me with a box that my Aunt Robin had dropped off a few weeks earlier, my inheritance from Dad's side of the family.

"Wow, I wasn't actually expecting to see any of this stuff again," I commented as I opened the box. Inside were the things I expected to see - the Santas I had given Grandma over the years, the milk-glass collection, and at the bottom, wrapped just as carefully as everything else, were a small collection of photo frames. The first one didn't surprise me, a collage of my school pictures that used to hang on the bedroom wall.

The second one made me glad I was already sitting. Grandma had been an avid subscriber to People magazine, and contained in the frame I was looking at was the issue from August 2000, the cover showing Brad & Jennifer's wedding photo as the main picture, and a small picture to the side of the guys with a caption indicating their filmed concert at Madison Square Garden. At the bottom, separate from the cover, on it's own piece of matting, was the small paragraph announcing my marriage to Lance.

"Oh, wow," I whispered. I handed it over to Mom and pulled out the next one. It was like the first, except it was from May 2001 and the small paragraph was a birth announcement for Aydin and Aurora. I sniffed and ran my fingers on the glass over the announcement. "I had no idea she kept these." I handed the frame to Mom as well.

I reached into the box for the next frame and found a third magazine, the first one from September 2001, with a little excerpt announcing that Lance and I had gotten divorced.

"I didn't even know it was announced," I murmured. "That's kind of creepy," I handed it to mom as well. Under neath was two copies of the one year anniversary of 9/11 issue. I flipped through one copy and found Zara's birth announcement. I handed it over to Mom as well.

"The last announcement they knew to look for, they even looked for it once she was gone," I shook my head, surprised that they had kept all those things.

"They loved you, you know," Mom pointed out.

"I knew Grandma did," I replied, peeking in to find the last frame was pictures of Celine, Scottie, Aydin and Aurora, from Celine's hospital photo to the last ones I had given them of Celine and Scottie holding Aydin and Aurora on their couch, taken the last time we had been to their house, just weeks before Grandma passed away.

"Awwww," I cooed as I pulled it out of the box as well. "I had forgotten I had taken some of these," I smiled at the memento, glad that my aunt had decided to give it to me rather than doing who knew what to them.

Celine moved over to the couch to see what I was looking at.

"Are those me?" She asked. I nodded.

"Your Great-grandma Kern kept these," I explained. "There's your hospital photo, and Scottie's," I pointed to one of me holding Scottie and a ten month old Celine standing on Scott's lap, to get a peek at her brother. "That was the day we brought Scottie home from the hospital.”

"That's Dad?" she asked, pointing to Scott.

"Yep."

"He looks funny."

I laughed, "I suppose so," I looked up at the clock. "Speaking of your father, it's time to take you over to see him." I put the frame back in the box. Celine took it out again and walked off with it. I lugged the box out to the van, placing it in the trunk. I wished Mom luck for her shift at Hospice, and we headed for the high school. Celine was still looking at the photos of her as an infant.

Once at my Alma mater, we headed up the stairs immediately inside the doors, heading for the math department's office. I poked my head into the room, but just a few of the other teachers were there.

"Can I help you?" one of them asked as I moved into the room some more.

"I'm looking for Scott," I explained, hiking Harry up on my hip. The other teachers looked over.

"Samantha? Samantha Kern?" one asked. I glanced over and smiled.

"Oh, Hi, Mrs. K. How are you?"

"I'm doing well, what have you been up to?"

I gestured towards Celine, who had entered the room behind me. "Being a mom, mostly. Moved out to Los Angeles a few years ago. In town for a funeral.”

"I'm sorry to hear that," She said. Some loud banging issued from the locker bay across the hall.

"Thank you. Excuse me a moment," I left the room and found Scottie bouncing from locker to locker.

"Scott Brewer, what are you doing?"

"Playing Power Rangers," he replied.

"Okay, you don't need to bounce against the lockers."

"I do, Mom, they've got me trapped here, and I've got to figure out the combination to get out!"

I crossed the hallway and tapped the top of the row of lockers. "There, I just set you free."

"You can't do that!"

"I'm the Mom Ranger, all bad guys fear me,"

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, they have nightmares about me."

"Cool!" He ran out of the locker bay and started down the hall.

"Hey! Stay in this hallway!" I called after him. He stopped in his tracks.

"But Mooom," he whined.

"No buts, it's a big school and I don't want to have to spend the rest of the afternoon looking for you.

"Fine." he headed back and sat down in the alcove next to the planetarium and turned on his game boy. I stepped back into the Math department's office.

"Sorry," I apologized.

"No problem," Mrs. K answered.

"Mom?" Celine piped up.

"Yes?"

"Why are there no pictures of Scottie as a baby in this?" she held up the frame of pictures again.

"You know, I think I'll let your father answer that one," I answered as Scott entered the room, holding a pile of papers.

"Hello Sam. What am I answering?"

"About why I have no pictures of our kids for about two years," I replied sweetly. He turned to Celine.

"Can I answer that one later?" She nodded.

"You keeping them overnight?"

"And what, drop them off at five am?"

"Fair enough," I pat Celine on the head. "I'll see you later, gator."

"Okay Mom."

I waved at the other teachers and after guiding Scottie towards the Math office, headed back down the stairs with the rest.

The call came in that night, just after nine-thirty. The kids were all in bed and Josh and I had put on one of the Harry Potter movies when Mom called to deliver the news. I told her I was sorry for her, and Mom said Grandma had gone peacefully. I hung up and blinked a few times. Josh pulled me against him and rubbed my back slowly as the shock wore off and I started sobbing into his shirt. He just held me as I battled with my emotions, my tears and sobs coming in waves as I calmed down only to set myself off again with a thought.

I did eventually calm down enough to sit up and look at Josh. "Thank you," I whispered, my voice hoarse from crying. He nodded, his eyes searching mine. I sniffed and he seemed to find whatever answer he was looking for since he leaned forward and grabbed the remote and turned the movie and tv off. He got off the couch and I heard him quietly closing a cabinet door in the kitchen and running the tap before he silently returned, offering me the bottle of NyQuil and a glass of water.

I let out a short laugh. "Drug me into oblivion?"

He put the items on the end table and crossed his arms. "I didn't mean it like that," he started.

"I know," I picked up the medicine and read the back.

"It worked the last time, I just thought..."

"I don't know if I should be glad or sad that you know how to be there for me like this," I muttered as I poured out a dose and scrunched up my nose as I took it. I took a long sip of water and headed for the kitchen where I spat it back out in the sink.

Ten minutes later found us curled up together in bed, Josh's body a firm yet comfortable presence against my back as he held me close.

"That's an entire generation of my family, gone," I whispered.

"I know," Josh whispered back.

"All those memories, experiences, stories that will never be told again." Josh kissed my shoulder.

"I know," he whispered again.

I sighed and leaned my head back against his shoulder. "What have I ever done to deserve you?" I ask, sleep starting to take hold.

The rest of the week was a blur of fielding phone calls, making plans, and sorting out the little things. Saturday was the set date for the service, and my step-cousins were all flying in with their kids.

Saturday came, and I awoke too early and spent the extra time taking a long shower before starting to gather up items and packing them away so we'd be ready to go in the morning. I then through myself into making a double batch of cinnamon rolls from scratch, icing included. I watched my family stumble out of bed one by one as the scent wafted through the house. The kids all packed their own suitcases, after which we spent the last hour or so before we had to leave getting dressed (and staying dressed).

Once at the church, Josh wrote our names in the book and picked up a few of the prayer papers, tucking them into his suit pocket. He kept close to me as we weaved through my family members and members of the church, hugging and shaking hands and thanking people that stopped me to express their sympathy. 

"You don't have to be at my elbow," I whispered to him as another of Grandma's friends left us. 

"If that's what you want," he whispered back.

"It is," I snapped. 

"Fine," he replied before turning heel and gently herding the kids that were still with us into the sanctuary with him. I found Mom and gave her a hug. We stood near the door to the sanctuary until everyone started to head in, and I headed in and found Josh sitting in the third pew, quietly reading hymns to Harry and Zara. I scooted in, and sat down between Zara and the Aydin.

The service itself was lovely, a lot like the one we had for Grandpa just three short years ago. We sang some of Grandma's favorite hymns, and instead of a service, we had a chance to talk about memories we had of Grandma. It was pretty interesting to hear some of the stories from her friends, of things that she had done before I knew her.

After the service we were encouraged to head down into the basement for the typical gathering. Josh and I got a table to ourselves and I watched him as he worked his way through a plate heaped with food. I picked at my pasta salad. Josh glanced up after awhile.

"You okay, Sam?"

I nodded, taking another bite of salad. Our table cleared out as the kids finished their plates and ran off to run around with their cousins. Josh finished his plate and sat down next to me after taking it to the garbage.

"Sorry about earlier," I said.

"It's fine." He said, surveying the room.

"It's kind of nice to see everyone together again, I haven't seen half these people since Grandma and Grandpa's fiftieth anniversary.”

"I don't know most of the people here," Josh gave me a little pout and I laughed.

"I don't know half of them either," I admitted. Josh smiled.

"I'm here for you," Josh assured me.

"I know, and thank you for that, and everything you've done this week."

We were interrupted by Mary and someone I had never met before. She introduced us to her fiancee, and they joined us. Mary and I shared stories of summers spent at Grandma's house. Our cousins Brittney and Liz joined us eventually, and soon we were all laughing with tales of silliness of the days gone by.

"Mary, remember the time we were what, six and eight and Liz asked us why we didn't have any front teeth?"

"Oh, yeah! And we told her we were vampires!" Mary exclaimed.

"I only believed you for like five minutes," Liz replied flatly, sending us into another round of laughter.

It wasn't long after that everyone started leaving. Josh went to find our brood as I helped Mom pack up her car. I carefully carried Grandma's pretty wooden box to her car and seat belted her into the front seat.

I left with enough leftovers that I wouldn't have to make a dinner. Thankfully the evening was a quiet one, the afternoon having drained each of us of our energy, and we all fell asleep early so we could get enough sleep before catching our flight the next morning.

I gave the curtains one last adjustment and wiped my hands on the back of my shorts.

"If I knew the house came with that kind of view, I'd have paid the asking price," Josh quipped. I turned to see him leaning against the door frame.

I blushed a little, tucking a stray bit of hair behind my ear. "Like it then?"

"Mmm," Josh hummed as he entered the room, taking the time to shut and lock the door behind him. I stepped down from the chair I was was using to reach the curtain rod as he strode quickly across the room.

He backed me against the wall, clothes tossed aside in the heat of the moment. He kissed the base of my neck, still panting slightly.

"I need to go get part of your gift," he breathed.

"Okay," I whispered back. He made no move to leave. I ran my fingers through his hair once and then rubbed his back. He kissed my shoulder once before finally standing up. After cleaning ourselves up, we headed downstairs.

"I'll be back in a bit," he promised.

"Alright," I gave him a look, wondering what he was planning.

Josh left, and I got back to replacing the curtains I had washed that morning.

Josh returned home about an hour later, whistling as he plopped his keys into his hat and tossed it on the kitchen counter. I looked up from the soup I was stirring as Tyler followed Josh into the room, a duffel bag over his shoulder. I looked from Tyler to Josh.

"Honey, I love you and all, but I'm not going to sleep with your brother," I glanced back at Tyler. "No offense, Ty," I added, giving him a wink. He glanced at Josh before answering.

"None taken," he replied. "It'd be a bit awkward, I think."

"Exactly." I agreed, glad he played along. I turned my focus to Josh. "You know, I never knew you swung that way," I tilted my head and watched as he looked more and more confused.

"I don't...I don't swing that way," Josh finally replied.

"Well, that's a shame, I was sure I could have talked Lance into helping me with your birthday next year," I quipped. Josh's eyes went wide and he started coughing.

"Oh God, you two," Josh said as he recovered and noticed our shoulders shaking with silent laughter. Tyler gave me a high five as he re-shouldered his duffel bag and headed in the direction of the stairs. I turned towards Josh and leaned against the counter, folding my arms.

"What?" he asked.

I gestured in the direction Tyler just went. "It would have been nice to know he was coming."

"Oh, um, he's staying a few days, but you won't have to worry about it."

I raised one eyebrow. Josh mirrored my stance at his counter. "We're not going to be here. I've booked us a couple of nights at a bed and breakfast for this weekend."

I blinked a few times, lost for words. Josh grinned.

"Happy anniversary," he said.

"I...wow," I whispered to myself. "And you were planning on telling me when?" I asked him.

"About now. We're leaving around four," he grinned, obviously satisfied that he had pulled off his plan.

Heavy footsteps on the stairs announced Tyler's return, holding Harry's hand as he helped him down the stairs.

"Hey sweetie, how was your nap?" I asked Harry. Harry nodded his reply and walked over and held his arms up. I picked him up.

"Did you see who came to see you?" I asked, pointing to Tyler. Harry nodded again. "Who is that, Harry? Is that Uncle Tyler?" Another nod.

"Are you being shy?" Josh asked. Harry nodded again and we laughed.

"Did you go potty?" I asked him. Harry shook his head.

"Do you need to?" I asked. Another head shake.

"You sure?" A nod.

"Do you need changed?" I asked. Harry shook his head.

"Tummy tickle!" Josh cried, rushing forwards, fingers extended, ticking Harry's belly. Harry burst into giggles and tried to wiggle out of my hold. Josh took the opportunity to scoop him up and lift him up in the air.

"Pwane, Daddy!"

Josh flipped him over and held him up about chest level. Harry put his arms out and Josh took off running with him, making zooming noises.

The sound of the soup boiling reminded me that it was there. I turned around and turned off the burner.

"Want some?" I asked Tyler as I moved to the cabinet to get a bowl.

"Nah, I'm good," he replied. I got one bowl out and poured half the soup into it, grabbing a spoon and leaning against the counter again, blowing on it to cool it down.

"Help yourself to whatever," I offered as I started my lunch. He went and got himself a drink. "So what's new?"

"Not much. Work, life. The usual."

I nodded. "Same here," I squinted at the calendar on the fridge door. "Looks like there's no classes tonight. That's good if we're leaving," I muttered. Tyler excuses himself and went into the family room, tracing the path Josh had taken with Harry a few minutes earlier.

After lunch I discovered that Josh, Tyler, Harry and Olivia were battling it out on the Xbox.

"Who's winning?"

"I am," Josh announced.

"Going to go pack then," I said before withdrawing from the room.

"Pack a bathing suit," he said, eyes never leaving the screen. I stopped at the doorway.

"Public beach in the daylight kind or private jacuzzi in the bathroom kind?"

"Whichever," he said. I started out of the room when he continued. "What's the difference?"

"The public beach in the daylight one exists," I called back. There was a simultaneous groan and cry of triumph, followed by Olivia and Harry giggling. I smiled and headed upstairs to pack.

 

By four, we had packed, the kids had arrived home from school and finished their homework. I left my keys with Tyler, and we left. Josh headed north, out of the city. I sat back and watched the scenery go by as he drove.

"What do you want for dinner?" he asked about an hour into the drive.

"You don't have that planned out?" I asked.

"I didn't make any reservations anywhere because I didn't want to have to feel rushed if traffic was too heavy,"

"Whatever you're in the mood for is fine with me," I  told him. He nodded and took the next exit off the highway. We drove for another mile or so before he pulled into the parking lot of an Italian restaurant. We closed up the car and went in. The food was delicious, and it wasn't long before we were full.

We traveled north for another hour before he got off highway one. We went east a little bit before pulling up to a gorgeous two story white building. We got our bags out of the trunk and headed in. The inside was just as pretty as the outside, decorated in turn of the century antiques. I looked around while he checked us in, finding brochures of local activities. One caught my eye and I took one, tucking it into my back pocket as I joined Josh at the counter. He got the key to the room and followed the directions the attendant gave to the second floor and to our room.

The room was beautiful. There was an elegant light wallpaper, the queen size bed in the middle of the one wall was also draped in white bedding with dark green and tan accent pillows that matched the antique chairs and the curtains. The bureau matched the chairs, there was a bottle of wine and two wine glasses on the table between the chairs, and a nice chandelier hung in the middle of the room.

We put our bags down next to the bureau. Josh headed over to the wine bottle and read the label.

"Local stuff. You want?" he asked.

"Sure," I said, following him across the room and taking the glass he offered me.  I took a sip, letting the flavors soak into my tongue before swallowing.

"Mmm," I hummed. I sat down in the chair next to the table and watched Josh as he took a sip.

"Not bad," he said. I nodded. He looked over at me. "Can I ask one thing of you this weekend?"

"Anything."

"Don't worry about the kids. We leave them alone with Jen all the time," he pointed out.

"I know, but never for an entire weekend," I protested.

"And as you pointed out to him," Josh continued. "Jen is just a phone call away, as are we." He stared down at me from where he stood next to the table. I opened my mouth to say something and he gently pressed a finger against my lips and continued. "The next forty-eight hours, it's just you and me."

I smiled at him and took another sip. He sat down on the edge of the bed. I kicked off my shoes and scooted down just enough in the chair that I could get my feet up on the side of the bed next to him.

"So what's on the agenda tonight?" I asked him.

"What are you in the mood for?"

"This is nice," I said, sipping my wine. "We don't take the time to just talk often enough."

"Suppose not." We settled onto a comfortable silence for a little while. I rubbed the side of his hip with my toes.

"Tell me something I don't know about you," I told him.

"Like what?"

"I don't know, What you wanted to be when you grew up. Something you haven't told anyone before."

Josh thought for a moment. "I kind of wanted to be an architect, I think,"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I played sports and all, but secretly, I liked building things better. I was perfectly content in my room with the tub of legos," He finishes his glass and refills it, offering the bottle to me. I let him refill my glass as well before putting it back on the table. "How about you?" he asked.

"Princess ballerina," We both smiled. "Seriously though, I never really had a constant dream job.  I see a lot of myself in Celine," I answered. "I was always reading or coloring or something." I sipped my wine. "I think we turned out fairly well though."

Josh nodded and we fell into a comfortable silence again. I continued to rub the side of his hip and thigh as I leaned back in the chair and sighed.

"What do you and Lance do every single day?" Josh asked quietly. I lifted my head up and looked at him.

"You mean the hour I spend with him running? We talk, that's all." Josh nodded, watching the wine in his glass as he swirled it around. I watched him for a moment. "Are you jealous that I spend time with him?"

Josh looked up quickly. "No," he said a little too loudly. I raised an eyebrow. "Alright, maybe I am a little," he admitted.

"Oh, honey," I got up and sat next to him on the bed. "I do it for you," I told him, running my hand through the hair at his ear and then gently across the back of his head. He turned his head slightly to look at me.

"You do?"

"Well, yeah. I want to look good for you," I moved so I was whispering in his ear. "You weren't exactly complaining this afternoon." I pulled away a few inches and his lips met mine.

Josh took our glasses when we pulled apart, placing them on the table and got off the bed. I watched as he went over to his bag and riffled through it, He tossed a familiar strip of cloth onto the bed next to me.

"The blindfold?" I asked.

"Yeah, I've got one more surprise," he said, straightening up and watching as I picked it up and tied it tightly. I listened as Josh moved about the room, finally sitting back down on the bed.

"Open," Josh requested. I felt something cool against my lip and opened my mouth and Josh slid it in. I bit down on the chocolate covered strawberry, letting out a little moan. I reached up and took the blindfold off. Josh had a plate of about half a dozen of the strawberries on his lap and his eyes were focused on my lips. I licked them slowly, watching his reaction.

I leaned across the space between us and slipped the blindfold over his eyes. I picked up one of the berries and placed it against his lips gently. He sucked the whole berry into his mouth, kissing my finger as he closed his mouth. I quietly moved the plate from his lap to the closest surface next to us as he chewed.

I placed a finger to his lips as he went to remove the blindfold. "Nuh," I whispered, moving the last few inches to bring my lips to his. The sudden change surprised him and we fell back on the bed. He went to move the blindfold again. I swatted his hands away.

"You had your go this afternoon. This one's mine," I growled in his ear.

 

Josh woke me up the following morning, and the first hour or so of the day was wonderfully spent. Josh flopped back against his pillow.

"Breakfast?" he asked.

"Surprise me," I replied, slipping out of bed. Josh picked up the phone and started talking quietly into it as I shut the bathroom door.

Josh was sitting on the edge of the bed, stretching as I re-emerged, complimentary robe draped over my shoulders. I watched the muscles in his back move as he flexed his arms over his head.

"Well, you're certainly better than coffee," I said. Josh turned to look at me.

"What?"

"My headache is completely gone," I explained.

"Mmm," he hummed. "It's odd to see you drink," he said as I climbed onto the bed behind him. I crawled over to kneel behind him and rested my chin on his shoulder.

"I don't like beer," I murmured. "I like wine, but that's such a slippery slope to start on." I kissed his shoulder before lifting my head and started gently massaging the back of his neck. "You start by having a glass at dinner time, and then it's two, and then it's a bottle, and then two." Josh hummed as I moved from his neck to his shoulders. "Alcoholism runs in the family," I started quietly. "I decided at a very young age that I didn't want to go down that road."

Josh tensed up under my hands. "I never knew that," he said.

"You never asked," I replied. He turned enough to see my face. I smiled at him. "You know those people at the bar that have their kids show up when their spouse arrives to bring them home?"

Josh nodded.

"That was me. I remember doing that a few times. I couldn't have been more than three or four, but I remember picking Dad up at the bar with Mom."

Josh patted my knee. "I'm sorry, hon."

"You don't have to be. Ancient history," I smiled at him to show I meant it. He was saved by a knock on the door. "I'll get it," I mumbled. I slid off the bed, closed my robe and after checking that Josh was covered, opened the door and let breakfast be rolled in.

We ate in comfortable silence.

"Am I going to expect any more surprises today?" I asked as we finished.

"No," he answered. I beamed at him.

"Good, I had an idea," I stretched across the bed to grab my pants from the night before. Finding them, I fished out the pamphlet I had grabbed. I got comfortable again next to him and handed it over to him. "I want to do this."

"You want to go to a museum?" he looked up from the brochure.

"Why do you find that surprising?"

"I just...never thought you liked this kind of stuff," he paused for a second. "In fact, I can remember you saying you never really go to museums."

"I never said that."

"Mmm, you did. Remember that time you were there when we were being interviewed at the hotel because we couldn't make it to the place?"

"That was like, what, nine years ago? How do you remember stuff like that?"

He shrugged. "You all made fun of me for saying I liked to look at art."

I patted his arm. "I'm sorry you matured too soon," I gently teased. I moved my hand as he went to jokingly swat it with the brochure. I leaned in and kissed his cheek.
 

An hour later we were presentable and getting directions at the front desk. The ten minute ride was a quiet one, and the rest of the morning and a good portion of the afternoon passed in near silence as we went from photo to photo, exhibit to exhibit. The drive back to the bed and breakfast was full of discussing which ones were our favorites. We had a few hours before dinner, so we decided to have the massage that came with the room then.

Fully relaxed, we headed downstairs and walked around the gardens surrounding the building, hand in hand. We settled on a bench overlooking a fountain. He gently rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb as we watched the water in the fountain.

"Are you happy?" I asked him after awhile. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he frowned slightly before answering.

"Yeah. You?" he asked before I could jump on the frown. I thought for a moment.

"Yeah, I'm content." Josh squeezed my hand. "Been putting a lot of thinking in lately though," I started. Josh waited for me to continue. "Harry'll be in school soon, I need to figure out what I want to do, career wise."

"Teaching," Josh said. I raised my eyebrows, surprised at his quick answer. "I've always thought you should be one," he replied.

"You're the second person to say that to me lately." I started to tear up a little as the memory of Grandma telling me the same thing only a few months ago.

"You alright?" he asked. I nodded and he gently kissed the side of my head. "Your grandma?" he whispered. I nodded. He pulled me into his arms and relaxed against his chest. He rubbed my back soothingly as I closed my eyes and breathed in his unique scent, feeling safe and loved.

"Oh look, Hank," a quiet voice came from behind us. I turned my head to see an elderly couple walking the path behind us. "Remember when we were like that?" Her husband gave a bit of a grunt and she smiled at us.

I smiled back. She called over to us. "Stay like that as long as you can, dearie. Love and laughter are the secret to a long and happy life." The continued on their way and I sat back up. We stared at each other for a long moment before I burst into giggles.

"So what are we doing for dinner?" I asked him. He shrugged.

"Either we eat here or we could have them make reservations somewhere."

"I think I saw a steakhouse just down the street."

"Steak is good."

"Yeah?" I asked. He nodded. We got up and headed back into the building, stopping at the front desk to have them call for reservations in about a half hour. We headed back to our room to grab a few things and then we walked the two blocks to the restaurant.

After we ate, we walked back to the inn, hand in hand. We returned to our room and just plopped down on the bed, not quite ready to make the best of our last night away.
 

"So many times, I thought I held it in my hands," he murmured as he gently woke me up the following morning. I giggled sleepily.

"But just like grains of sand, love slipped through my fingers." I quietly continued. "Are we going to recite this every year?"

"Why mess with a good tradition?"

"Mmmm," I hummed.  We recited most of the song before it was time to check out. Still not entirely ready for the weekend to be over, he took the longer, scenic route back home.

It was late afternoon when we arrived home. Poor Tyler looked pretty haggard as he followed the younger ones to the garage door as we walked in.

"Hey kiddos, did you behave for Uncle Tyler?" I asked, hugging them. A chorus of 'Yes' answered my question. They hugged Josh before the girls left and Harry lifted his arms. Josh hefted him up, placing him on his hip.

"Have a good time?" Tyler asked.

"Oh yes, fantastic time," I took Josh's bag from him and put both bags on the washer.

"So, worth it?" I heard Tyler ask Josh. I stopped and listened.

"Oh yeah, every penny. She really needed it." He dropped his voice and I could barely make out what he said next. "Maybe it'll pull her out of the funk she's been in this month. And thanks for helping out, I couldn't have pulled it off without you."

"No problem.



We took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner, letting them run their energy down before bedtime.

"I've been in a funk?" I asked Josh as we settled in bed ourselves.

"A bit, yeah."

"Is it that obvious?"

Josh sighed. "You've been in high gear since we got back home. If you can't rearrange it, you redecorate it. I'm surprised you haven't started repainting every room in the house."

"Well, sorry. I just felt like it was time to change things up a bit."

"It's fine, honey. I just don't want you to burn yourself out."

I glared at him.

"What?"

"It's perfectly fine for you to be on your perfectionist kicks, but when I go on one, I have to be stopped?"

"I didn't say that."

I sighed. "Whatever." I turned the light out and rolled over to my side. The mattress moved and Josh's breath was hot against my ear.

"I know what you're doing, and you can't run from it forever. Talk to me, Sam."

"What is there to talk about? The past six years I've sat back and watched as my family disappears one by one. I'm just tired of grieving. I'm tired of having to fly back and forth to attend funerals. I'm tired of having to listen as people comment on the size of my family. I'm tired of wondering who's next. I'm tired of needing to lean on you all the time. I'm grateful for you being there, but I hate that you have to be." I let out a long breath. "I love and hate that you know exactly how to handle me when I'm too far gone to do it myself."

"God Sam, I've been here for you for seven years. I'm not going anywhere." He draped his arm over my waist. "And I love that you go the extra mile to show the kids you love them. I love that you take the time to fly Celine and Scottie to Ohio every summer so they can have time with Scott, even with how much you hate flying. I love that you watch me when you think I don't notice," he kissed my neck. "I'm flattered that you think you have to work out to keep me interested. I love that you feel comfortable enough with me to let down the wall you keep up around everyone else. That's the Samantha I know and love. The one that I see. I've watched you go from the quiet girl to the beautiful, confident woman you are now. You'll do anything for your family. You're not afraid to tell someone what you think. I know I can count on you to be there for me if I need you to be. I love you."

I sniffed as he finished up. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" I whispered.

"Love me back," he answered. I rolled back enough to see his face.

"Do you think we'll ever be like that older couple that was at the inn?"

"Yeah, I do. That'll be us in thirty years time. Except I'll be all hunchbacked and have to use a cane and you'll still be the springy, energetic woman you are now."

I snorted with laughter. Josh smiled.

"Thanks, love." I kissed his cheek. He pulled me against him and we settled in again, this time letting sleep take us.

The entire house was decked out in Disney paraphernalia. The latest generation of stars watched as I put the final decorations up in the dining room. The doorbell rang. Josh called out that he was getting it and entered the kitchen a few minutes later with the pizzas. I took them out of the boxes and transferred them to baking sheets and set them in the oven to keep them warm.

"Do people really do this for parties now?" he asked, fingering a package of High School Musical party favors.

"Wondering how many people ate cake off your face?" I asked.

"I am now," he frowned. "That's a somewhat disturbing thought."

I chuckled. "I wonder where mine went. I don't know if it made it into the book or not."

"What?"

"The *NSYNC plate from Celine's first birthday." Josh raised an eyebrow. "Nicole and Mel thought it would be funny when I asked them to get the stuff for the party to buy *NSYNC plates to go with the Blue's Clues cups and napkins." I frowned. "That might have been the final straw in Sue's book."

Josh rolled his eyes at the mention of Scott's mother. I was saved from his retort by the doorbell ringing again.

"I'LL GET IT!" Celine yelled, bounding down the stairs and into the front hall. I followed suit, to greet the first arrival of the party.

A half hour later, the family room was full of giggling fifth graders playing a High School Musical karaoke game. Josh had taken the boys outside for a game of catch. I was setting the dining room up for presents and then cake, with the help of Jen.

I went into the family room to gently herd them into the dining room, and somehow got roped into singing a few rounds as Troy, since Celine proclaimed I could 'sing like him almost as good as C.'

After a few songs, I made them turn the game off and motioned to Josh that it was present time.Once we were all gathered, Celine started unwrapping her presents, squealing in delight as each one turned out to be something High School Musical, Jonas Brothers or Hannah Montana related.

The presents on the table were all opened when Josh quietly slipped out of the room, returning as we finished cleaning up the paper. He handed one last wrapped present, about the size of a binder to her.

"Happy birthday," he said, smiling as she ripped the paper open. The resulting scream probably was heard in China. She jumped from her chair and into Josh's arms, practically hyperventilating.

"YOU'RETHEBESTDADEVER!" She squealed into his ear. He laughed, hugging her back. Her friends started to scoot in to see what would cause the mayhem.

I leaned over and picked up the script. "Bye Bye Ball?" I read off the cover of the manuscript, between the signatures that covered most of the empty space. Celine released Josh from her death grip of a hug and he shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Called in a few favors. It's completely personalized too," he added to Celine. She took the scrip from me and started reading autographs.

"Miley signed it! Mom, Miley signed it!"  She was literally bouncing in her seat.

"Awesome, honey. Want to let me put it up for now so it doesn't get covered in cake?" I asked. She sighed and begrudgingly handed it over. I put it up on a shelf in a cabinet. I listened to the chatter in the next room while I lit the candles on the cake.

Jen hit the lights as I brought the cake into the dining room, singing 'Happy Birthday'. She quickly blew out the candles. Josh sliced up the cake and we passed it out.

 

"I think you win father of the year for that," I told Josh as we cleaned up after everyone left.

"Think so?" he asked. I looked up at him in time to catch him bite the side of his lip- a habit he had definitely picked up from me.

"I do. Will your hearing ever recover?" I bit back a grin.

"What? I didn't hear you," he raised his voice and we both broke into laughter.

"You really love them, don't you?" I asked, biting my lip. 

"Hmm?" he quit pulling down a bunch of streamers and looked down at me.

"Your stepchildren," I clarified. "You really love them, don't you?"

"Like my own," he assured me. I gave him a huge grin and moved across the room to where he was standing and kissed him. 

"You are awesome," I whispered in his ear before kissing his cheek and backing away, returning to where I left the garbage bag.  "Don't forget to let Joey know how the script went over," I reminded him as I picked up the last bit of garbage and started to leave the room.

"Sam?"

I ducked back into the dining room, "It was his script, It had his name on it," I pointed out.

Josh smiled. "Will do."

"Come on, Rosie, you ready to meet the kids?" The golden dog at the end of the leash wagged her tail as she sniffed everything she could reach. She took her time sniffing the bushes at the side of the door, finally peeing next to one. I opened the door and let her into the house, keeping her close on the leash.

Rosalind kept her nose to the floor, tail slowing as she undoubtedly picked up on Jake and Zeus' scent. She woofed quietly and tugged on the leash. I slowly walked her towards the back of the house. She stopped just outside the door to the living room and started to squat again.

"Rosalind! NO!" I  commanded, pulling the leash. She only managed a few drops of urine before I had tugged her back to a standing position. My shout had alerted those in the house that something was up. Celine came to the top of the stairs and the twins peeked out from the family room. Eyes went wide at the sight of the strange dog. Within seconds I was surrounded, hands reaching for the dog and excited chatter overlapping each other.

"If she pees in the house, you three can clean it up!" I exploded. The three backed up and let me through and followed close behind. We made our way slowly to the back door. "Come on Rosie, you can sniff later." We finally made it to the back door and made it outside. I kept her on the leash as everyone noticed and came over to investigate.

Zeus barged right up to her and started sniffing at her, growling softly. "Zeus," I warned. He stopped growling and moved cautiously to her backside to sniff. Jake hung back and nearly turned tail and ran across the yard when Rosie went to sniff him. Zeus resumed his quiet growling.

"Zeus Chasez. Behave." He gave me pitiful puppy eyes and wagged his tail as Josh, Harry and the girls met up with us. I barely managed to unclasp the leash before the kids descended on her.

"Be gentle," I advised, paying attention to Rosie's body language. When she started wagging her tail, I glanced over at Josh. He caught my eye and headed into the house. I grabbed Zeus' collar (he had started to nudge everyone for attention) and went in.

"Sam," His tone was a quiet one as he leaned against the door to the kitchen.

"I had to," I started. "She had been there for nearly six months and they were talking about what a shame it was going to be if they had to send her to the city pound because they simply didn't have the room to keep her any more. I've walked her every week, she's the sweetest dog I've ever met. She never barked either. She would just sit there and watch your every move with sad eyes." I felt mine tear up a little at the thought of the fate she nearly had. "She had an elderly owner who passed away and the son's wife was allergic, and nobody wants an older dog, they just want puppies. I couldn't let her go to the pound for a few more days of rejection before they put her to sleep."

I remembered that she had managed to pee on the floor and brushed past him to get a few towels and mopped up the spot she got. Josh hadn't moved when I returned to the kitchen to toss the dirty paper towels and wash my hands.

"Sam," Josh's voice was just as quiet as before.

I took a deep breath, steeling myself for what I was sure I wasn't going to like. The angrier Josh got, the quieter he was. Until he couldn't hold it in, then you'd be treated to extreme politeness, with the deadly undercurrent of anger ebbing at the edges of his words.

"Yes?" I answered, staring down at the drain. When he didn't say anything for a few minutes I glanced over at him. He was staring at the floor, arms folded. "Josh?"

He looked up. "I...We..." he sighed. "We're slipping." he settled on.

I mouthed the words as they settled in. "Are we?"

Josh nodded once. "Things are changing-"

"You mean I'm changing and you don't like it."

"I never said that."

"You didn't have to. It's obvious since you're the only one that's not happy." Josh's mouth got as thin as I had ever seen it. "Seriously, Joshua, all you have to do is tell me when you're feeling neglected. I know I've got a lot going on right now, between classes and subbing and doing some time down at the shelter when I can."

Josh made to interrupt but I continued on. "I can't just sit here and play housewife my entire life. Especially when you're home as well most of the fucking time. I want, no I need to be able to do something other than my innate talent of getting knocked up at the drop of a hat. I want to teach, you were right, I feel like I've found my calling. Can't you be happy for me about that? I'm twenty-eight years old and I've finally decided what I want to do with my life. Not everyone can be like you and just stumble upon their talent and life calling as a kid."

"You left out the copious amount of time you spend down the street." Josh hissed.

"We're back to the Lance thing? Really? How many times do I have to tell you there is nothing going on. There hasn't been anything going on for years. He's my friend just as much as he is yours. Not to mention he's always going to be a part of our life because of the twins."

"I realize that," he said. "But you've said you've reached your goal with your exercising, so why you feel the need to with him so often..."

"He's my friend. I need someone to talk to besides you and my children, you know."

"And just what can you talk to him about that you can't talk to me about?"

"You." It wasn't a complete lie, he did come up on occasion, but it was far from the entire truth. I watched as he blinked a few times.

"Don't you think I'd like to know about it?" His expression changed, and for a microsecond he looked devastated. "I mean, if they're about me I'd like to know."

"What things?"

"Whatever secrets you're keeping with Lance."

"Lance knows nothing. The only 'secrets' I keep with him are what we plan out in advance for gifts. For the twins." And sometimes for you, I thought.

He narrowed his eyes. "What if I want a divorce?" he asked quietly.

"Because you think I'm hiding something from you? Go right on ahead. I'll tell you right now. You file for it, I'm taking the kids back home with me, and you're paying spousal and child support. I've got just enough money to make it back home since you were right the other day, I should be doing more paid work than charity work since I did kind of empty out my bank account to give you a son."

"What?"

"I paid the fertility clinic the extra money to increase the chances of Harry being a boy."

Josh's mouth opened, nothing came out of it so he shut it and tried again. "We decided together we weren't going to do that."

"And I felt like you needed a son."

"So you felt like keeping it secret from me for three years. Fuck, Samantha, I...fuck." He turned and left the room. I listened to him go up the stairs.

I turned back to the sink, shaking slightly as I turned the water on, splashing some onto my face. Muffled thuds and bangs came from the general area of the bedroom. I forced myself over to the table and sat down. Zeus came over and rested his head on my lap, whining softly. I scratched him behind the ears and he started wagging his tail. Above us the muffled thuds had stopped, replaced by the occasional squeak of the one floorboard.

An eternity later, but a glance at the clock said about a half hour had passed, a car horn sounded and Josh his way down the stairs. A duffel bag was slung over his shoulder.

"Where are you going?" I asked, pretty sure I knew the answer already.

"Orlando," he didn't turn around, but adjusted the bag.

I nodded, not caring that he didn't see it. He hesitated a second longer, and when I didn't say anything else he made his way to the front door. I braced myself for a slam, but it never came. Instead, I got up and walked to the living room, watching as he climbed into the cab and left.

I sank into the couch, letting the tears come. How long I sat there like that I wasn't sure, but I nearly jumped a mile when the voice came from the doorway.

"Mom?" Celine's voice wavered. I wiped at my face and waved her over. She approached slowly, as if she was unsure if she was really welcome. She sat down on the couch next to me, leaning against my side. I pulled her close and we just sat. Eventually she started sniffing. She mumbled something against my side.

"What was that?" I asked. She pulled her face out of my shirt and gazed up at me through tear filled eyes.

"Is he coming back?"

I choked back a sob. "Yeah, he'll be back," I tried to reassure her, hoping that I wasn't giving away how unsure of the answer I was. She sniffed again and I pulled her onto my lap and hugged her. She hugged me back, sniffing into my shirt. I rested my chin on the top of her head and rubbed her back soothingly.

"He left without saying good-bye," she sat up, eyes wide. "Does he not love us anymore?"

"I.." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm sure he still loves you. He's just mad at me."

"Because of Rosie?"

"Yeah, a little bit." She seemed pacified and rested against me again, not really crying anymore. I replayed the argument in my mind and wondered just how much she had overheard.

I kissed the top of her head. "Do me a favor. When you're old enough to get married, date a long, long time before deciding to get married."

"Boys are icky." she answered.

I laughed. "Yeah, they are." I hugged her tight. "Keep it that way as long as you can, sweetie."

"Okay," she agreed. She climbed off my lap. She headed for he door, stopping halfway across, turning around and gazing at me with her crystalline blue eyes. "What's a divorce?"

"It's when married people decide they don't want to be married anymore."

"Oh." She paused. "If you and Dad get divorced, what happens to us?"

"You'll be moving back to Ohio with me."

"Oh. What about Dad?"

"He'll probably stay here."

"We won't see him anymore?"

"I don't know. I hope he'll come visit sometimes."

"I don't want him to leave us."

I stood up, crossing the space between us in two steps and hugged her. "Me either, honey, me either." I smoothed her hair. "Come on, let's go see how Rosie's getting along with everyone."

 

Nearly three days passed before my phone rang as I was preparing dinner.

"He's here," Karen's voice was quiet.

"I know."

"He's in the living room," she added. I hummed a response. "I don't want to get in the middle of things, but he's pretty bummed out, sweetie."

"I messed up. I know I did and I'm sorry about it, but there's nothing I can do about it until he's ready to talk to me again." I put the knife I had been using down. "How much did he tell you?"

"That you got a new dog and the argument." Karen sounded apologetic. I pushed the cutting board back and moved to the living room for some privacy.

"So everything then."

"Sounds like it. I don't mean to meddle in your relationship, but I think the two of you can work through this."

"How, Momma C? He's got the right to be mad at me. And I've really messed up."

"You're not the only one to blame in this," Karen pointed out.

"I'm not?"

"Not at all, it takes two to make a marriage work."

"True."

"He's got some things he needs to talk to you about, and he did just pick up and leave you."

I sighed. "Oh, I know that very well. Explaining his sudden disappearance to the kids hasn't been a cakewalk. They're asking me every day if he's coming home." My voice started to waver. "And I honestly don't know what to tell them."

Karen made some soothing sounds. "Try giving him a call. It's been how long?"

"Three days," I answered. I blew a few strands of hair out of my face. "Do you think he'd take it?"

"I'm pretty sure he would." Karen sounded confident. I smiled.

"Alright, I'll give it a try."

I waited a few minutes, gathering up my courage to dial. It was almost at his voice mail when he answered.

"Yeah," he answered gruffly.

"I messed up."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry."

"Alright." I heard Karen say something to him and he sighed. "Hold on a second, I need to find somewhere private."

"Okay," I agreed. The silence stretched a long moment.

"Alright."

"I'm sorry," I repeated.

"I know," He took a long pause. "You went behind my back. You went behind my back and I don't know if I can honestly believe anything you say right now."

"I can understand that."

"Good. I need time to think."

"I figured as much. Just one thing though."

"What?"

"Before we hang up, I need you to talk to Celine. She's convinced you don't love her anymore." I could almost hear Josh's frown.

"Alright."

"I love you," I said quietly. Josh didn't answer. I sighed. "Will you be here in time for Easter and the twins' birthday?"

"I don't know."

"I'd like you to be. If not for me, then at least for the kids."

"We'll see." We were silent for a long time.

"Do you want to go to counseling?" I bit the corner of my mouth, waiting his reply.

"I don't know."

"Just something to think about."

"Yeah."

"Alright, I'll hand you over to Celine."

"Okay."

I went back to the kitchen where Celine was finishing her homework.

"Someone wants to talk to you," I handed her the phone. I watched her eyes go wide when Josh answered her. She got quiet, murmuring a few "okays" and "yeahs" on her side of the conversation. By the time the conversation was done, she looked a lot calmer than she had in the past few days.

"Love you too, Dad. Please don't leave us." She said before holding the phone out for me.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Still here." Josh replied.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

I headed out of the room. "Do you think you could ever forgive me?"

"I don't know. You effectively stabbed me in the back."

"It's not like I cheated on you."

"No, it's not. It's worse. It's going to take a long time before I get over this. I don't even know if I can trust you anymore."

"I truly am sorry for keeping it from you."

"But not that you did it."

I sucked in a breath. "No. I'm not. I'm glad I did it. I wanted you to have a son, and it was our last try for one."

"I wouldn't have minded another girl."

"Bullshit. I remember the look on your face when the doctor said it was a boy. You were hoping for one."

Josh made an indistinguishable noise.

"You know what? You're just pissed that I actually did something about what we weren't going to admit. I fucking know you, Josh. I'm fluent in your language and can read between the lines. That's what really scares you."

"That's not...." Josh sighed. "This isn't something we should be discussing over the phone."

"You're right. Now you have incentive to come back, so we can finish this. I'll talk to you when you're standing right in front of me." I ignored the start of a protest and clicked the 'off' button.

I leaned against the wall, shaking slightly from the adrenaline pumping through my system. The phone rang, and seeing Josh's name show up, I threw it blindly. It sailed into the living room, bouncing off the couch and sliding across the floor to rest underneath an armchair, where it continued to ring.

Once I stopped shaking, I headed back into the kitchen where I started cleaning up the dinner I had started. I reached for the house phone and ordered pizza instead.

Dinner taken care of, I called Jen.

"Are you busy tonight?" I asked after she answered.

"Um, no, not really, why?"

"I quite suddenly feel like getting a sitter and going out for awhile. Want to come with?"

"Uh, sure. Give me an hour or so to get ready."

"That's perfectly fine. Meet up here at say, nine?" I asked. She agreed and I hung up and called around to the sitters we used, finally finding one that could do it.

 

The kids were all in bed by eight-thirty, the sitter had arrived, and I was getting dressed for a night out. Digging through the dresser for a particular undergarment, my fingers closed across what I thought was the garment but when I pulled it out, discovered it was Josh's old lion pendant, tied onto the broken cord that held it for, well, I wasn't sure how long as he had it long before we met. I fingered the timeworn leather and an idea popped into my mind. Placing it down on the top of the dresser, I pulled my crafting supply tub out from where it was stored under our bed. I dug through it until I found it - a spool of black leather cord left over from something I had done years earlier. I grabbed the scissors and cut off enough for what I had planned.

I went back to the dresser and carefully untied the knot holding the pendant on. After threading the new leather cord through the jump ring, I tied it around my neck. I admired my handiwork in the mirror, thinking all the while how weird it was to not see it on Josh. The slight pendant's weight against the hallow of my throat weighed heavily on my mind as I returned to the task at hand.

If Jen had noticed the pendant when she arrived, she didn't mention it. On the way, We hit up one of the more low-key clubs near downtown. There were the usual few paparazzi lurking about outside, and I was glad that none seem to have been schooled enough to recognize me.  Once inside, I contented myself with a chocolate martini and watching people dance.

It wasn't too long before a couple of guys came up to Jen and I. I slowly enjoyed my drink and let the compliments go to my head as they handed them out. I did manage to stop myself when one of them -Rob or Steve or something, I couldn't remember which one was which- tried to get me on the dance floor.

It was very early when Jen and I decided to leave. After a few hours of conversation, compliments and a few cocktails, I was feeling much better. On our way to the car, Jen, who had drank more than I had, slipped and fell onto the sidewalk. We giggled really hard and loudly as I offered her a hand up. She took it and after I pulled her up. She slung her arm around me, still giggling as she took her shoes off. We giggled as we made it to the car. She slid into the passenger seat.

"You good to drive?" she asked.

"Yeah, just had that one." I said as I started the car. Paparazzi seemed to come out of nowhere as I started to try and leave. Only a few were taking photos of us in the car, probably just covering their bases more than knowing who either of us were.

"How do you handle it?" Jen asked.

"Handle what?" I asked, confused.

"Being married to a famous person. This." She waved her hand at the photographers. "The paparazzi."

I laughed softly. "I generally get more attention when I'm out and about with all the kids than I do when I'm with Josh. As for the paparazzi, they can take all the photos of me and Josh that they want. It's when they start to hover around the kids I start to get upset."

"Yeah," Jen agreed.

"Though, when they just stand around and block traffic..."I sighed. They weren't moving so that I could pull away.

"Put the top down," Jen said. I looked over at her. "Just do it," she said. I located the button and pressed it, watching the retractable roof of Josh's car start to move.

Jen folded her legs underneath herself before standing up on the seat. She leaned over the top of the windshield and I could just imagine the view they were getting, since the few men blocking our way stopped and stared at her. "Hey, lovelies, mind moving out of our way? We just want to go on home. We're nobody of particular interest, so you're wasting your time with us."

 A few of them moved out of the way, and she sat back down. I was able to start moving forward slowly, and ignored the flashes out of the corner of my eye as I pulled away.

"You are something else," I said once we were out of earshot. She laughed.

"Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't use what you've got to get what you need from someone else."

I just smiled.

 

When we got back to the house, it was silent...except that my cell was ringing from where I had left it under the chair in the living room. Jen retrieved it and handed it over to me.

"It's JC."

I clicked the ignore option and caught Jen frowning.

"You can crash with me tonight. Unless you prefer the couch."

She kept frowning at me.

"What?"

"You and JC okay?"

"I'm just too tired to talk right now," I lied. My phone started ringing again, this time for a text. Jen grabbed it from me and read the text.

"He wants you to call him right now," she read, handing it back to me.

"I know," I replied, reaching for my phone as it started to ring again. Jen answered it.

She flipped it immediately to speakerphone. "Hello?"

There was a pause. "Jen?"

"Yeah, sorry. I know you were expecting Sam." She stared at me over the phone, looking suddenly more sober than she had a few minutes earlier.

"Sam?" Josh asked. Jen continued staring at me.

"I'm here," I finally replied.

"So now I'm good enough for your attention."

"I already told you everything I'm going to like this."

"So you can feel justified ignoring me." I moved closer to the phone in Jen's hand.

"There is no point in trying to fix this from opposite ends of the country."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Is this seriously how you two argue? What are we, twelve?" Jen asked. I blinked and looked at her. Josh stayed silent. "Look, I don't know what this is all about, nor do I want to, but JC, she does have a point. Distance doesn't fix anything. It just adds to the problem, usually." She paused and looked at me over the phone. "Sam, you're like, my closest friend and all, so I'm saying this because I love you, but you can be so stubborn when it comes to some things. And JC, I don't know you as well, but that probably fits you too." She paused and neither of us spoke. "Now, I don't want to get in the middle of this, but I will point out one thing here. You really need to work this out. You two love each other. Nuh-" she added as I opened my mouth to reply. "It's the God-honest truth. If you didn't still love him, you wouldn't be wearing that-" she pointed to where Josh's pendant rested. "And yes, I noticed you were wearing it. Everyone did because you played with it all night long. And JC still loves you because he wouldn't be on the phone with you at fuck o'clock in the morning. When he could be sleeping. It's common knowledge and has been since he's been a teenager that he loves to sleep."

I wasn't sure why, but by the end of her rant at us, it hit just the way that made it funny and I started giggling. Jen joined in and when we heard Josh mutter something about women over the phone we just giggled harder.

"Oh, C, she's really got you down." I breathed finally. Josh harrumphed, which set us off into another round of giggles.

Finally calming down, I yawned. "Alright, can we continue this later? I've got about three hours before I need to get up," I pointed out.

"Yeah, fine." Josh replied. He and Jen exchanged pleasantries before hanging up.

 

Four days after that night, I was working on homework when something touched the back of my neck. I jumped swatting behind me and looked up to see Josh there.

"You're back."

"Yeah."

"And?" I prompted. He moved to sit in the chair across from me at the table.

"I want to try to work this out."

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. "Me too." I marked where I was in my book and closed it. "You want anything?" I asked, picking up my stuff and moving it back to the spot on the counter I usually left it.

"Nah, I'm good." He said.

I sat back down and stared at him. "Okay, so what now?"

He frowned. "I don't know. I think it might be time to get some help."

"Counseling?" I asked. Josh looked up from his hands and nodded. "Alright."

"You're okay with that idea?"

"Yes." I gave him a tiny smile and he returned it.

We sat in silence for a long moment before we both spoke at once.

"I missed you."

"You're still wearing it." he pointed out.

"Wearing what?"

"My necklace," he glanced down at the nape of my neck. I brought a hand up and fingered it gently.

"I missed you, it kind of felt like having you close by." I felt along the leather cord. "You can have it back."

"You can wear it. It looks good on you."

I stopped and gazed at him. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Alright," I said, bringing my hands back down. "If you're sure." Something tickled at the back of my mind, telling me something was off. I frowned and concentrated on it. It finally hit me and I watched Josh for a moment.

"What do you mean still wearing it?" I asked.

"You haven't taken it off, have you?"

"No, but that's not the point. I didn't put it on until after you had left. Days after. How could you have known if you weren't here?"

Josh sighed and rubbed his temples.

"You were photographed on your little night out."

"Yeah, I know. Kind of happens out here."

"Yeah, well sometimes those photos get published."

I raised my eyebrows. "I was interesting enough to get published?"

"Somebody recognized you, and thought it would be a good idea to let me know."

"Hmm. Do I want to know where I'm plastered?"

Josh's lips twisted into a smirk. "Perez."

"Oh for pete's sake. What'd that sexually-fustrated-cyber-bullying idiot have to say?"

"Pretty much that you and Jen were lovers, which would free me up for my 'relationship with Chase'."

I snorted. "Yeah, okay. He needs a check in reality."

Josh laughed in agreement. A scratch at the back door got me out of the chair to let the dogs in. Josh must have made a noise since instead of bounding into the family room like they normally did, they went straight for him. I chewed my lip as I watched him interact with Rosie. I watched and hoped that we could work it out.

I hummed as I placed the second ham in the oven. Giggles and barks carried over from the table in the next room, where Grandpa C was probably doing magic tricks. Footsteps thundered down the stairs and Tyler emerged, adjusting his tie. He pretended to hang himself when our eyes met, and I followed him into the dining room. I checked the food and drink levels before sitting down to my own breakfast.

"Mommy?" Harry offered me a hard boiled egg he had just bit into. "Here."

"You don't like it?" I asked. He wrinkled up his nose and shook his head. I took it from him and casually put it onto the small pile of salt on my plate. I started on my toast, waiting until he was engrossed in what Roy was doing with Scottie before putting it back onto his plate.

"Ninja parenting at it's best," Josh joked from across the table.

I grinned. "He'll never notice."

Josh leaned over to Tyler and stage whispered. "Sam found out if she salts whatever he doesn't like and put it back on his plate, he'll eat it."

Tyler and Rich laughed. Sure enough, once Roy was done fishing a quarter out of Scottie's ear, Harry turned back to his plate and picked up the egg and ate it without complaint. The men started laughing again, and I rolled my eyes.

"You," I said, pointing a spoon of yogurt at Josh, "have better go get dressed, or you'll all be late to church. You know how Momma Bass gets when you run late."  Not only was the entire Chasez clan in town for Easter, but Lance's parents and sister's family had made it in for an extended weekend, since Easter fell on Aydin and Aurora's birthday this year.

 

"How come Mom's not coming?" Olivia whined as she put on her dress shoes.

"Because someone was naughty this week and now I have to stay home and ask the Easter Bunny to leave his eggs behind for you to find."

She pouted but finished getting dressed. I helped them all get into the various cars they were taking. Tyler lucked out in getting a car to himself, since we had planned for him to slip away a bit early and dress up as the Easter Bunny and hop around the yard for a bit.

The moment they were all out of the drive, I headed up to the master bedroom to gather up the cheap plastic eggs that Josh and I had spent the last few days filling with candy and money.

Bag in hand, I started tucking them away in various places throughout the first floor of the house, but most ended up in the yard. With that task finally finished, I went back upstairs and got out the Easter baskets and arranged them on top of the dryer, out of both my way and the reach of the dogs.

With the egg hunt ready to go, I concentrated on preparing the rest of the food for when everyone returned. The kitchen was a mess when the door to the garage opened and Tyler came in.

"They're going to be awhile, the pastor was really into it," he said by way of greeting.

"Not surprising, it's one of their biggest days," I replied as I poured milk into the crock pot of potatoes. Tyler went to the fridge and placed a container of sour cream and dug through the spices to find the oregano and put them next to the cock pot on the counter.

"Try these," he suggested. "Mom would use a tub of the sour cream and a little oregano on holidays to 'dress up' the potatoes."

I raised an eyebrow at him. He shrugged.

"Spent a lot of time helping in the kitchen."

"Ah," I said, opening the container and spooning it in. He picked up the hand held mixer and started whipping the potatoes. He whipped while I added the rest of the sour cream slowly and then the butter and some spices.

"I'm sorry to hear you and C are having problems," he said over the sound of the mixer.

I sighed. "Yeah, me too. Must be the season though, we couldn't get an appointment in until the end of this month."

"That's insane."

"I know." I frowned. "It's made us put everything on hold and it just feels weird." I paused while tasting the potatoes, adjusting the spices a little. "Sorry. Didn't mean to drag you into it."

"It's alright. I want to see you two make it. You're good together." He paused as he gently beat the mixer against the bowl, cleaning off the beaters and handed it to me. "If you ask me, I can't imagine anyone better for him."

"Aww, Tyler," I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You're awesome, you know that, right?" I asked as I wiped at the bit of tinted gloss that had stuck to his cheek. He gave me a small smile. I glanced at the clock. "You better go get dressed, they'll be home soon, I think." His gaze followed mine to the clock and he nodded.

 

It was about a half hour before the first car of people arrived. The food was almost ready as the twins bounded through the door, followed by Leyton and Keegan, then the rest of the Basses.

"Hey kiddos. Happy birthday!" I said as the bounced into the kitchen.

"Thanks Mom!" they replied at the same time. The four kids went running for the couch in the family room.

"The Easter Bunny just left the eggs, so if you see any, leave them be until everyone's here!" I called after them. "Hello," I said to the adults.

"Hi Sam, dear," Diane said as she placed her light coat on the back of a chair. "Need any help?"

I shook my head. "It's all ready, I'll just need help carrying it to the table."

The door opened, and the first car of Chasezes came in. The noise level went way up and the kitchen became a flurry of movement as we started moving food to the table, and cornering kids to sit down. Which was useless since as soon as they were all gathered in the room, Tyler the Easter Bunny came in from the backyard, carrying a large basket full of dyed eggs. The younger girls, as well as Stacy's kids, got very excited to meet the Easter Bunny. Harry's eyes got wide and he edged closer and closer to me, trying to hide from the big white bunny.

Cameras came out and Tyler took the time to pose with each of the kids first, and then some of the adults too. I think, possibly, my favorite was the one of him with his parents. Karen sat to his left, smiling, and Roy to his right, looking annoyed at the fact he was wearing the rabbit ears Josh slipped on at the last second before backing out of frame.

Nobody noticed, after the Easter Bunny had left out the back door, when a few minutes later, Tyler came back in through the garage door and slipped quietly into his seat. We shared a secret glance when Josh discovered I had made the mashed potatoes "Exactly like Mom's". 

Once dinner was over, we handed the kids their Easter baskets, and they devoured the candy inside while we cleaned up. When the older ones started whining about doing the egg hunt, we handed out empty baskets and sat back, watching as they scoured the house and yard, sometimes squealing when they found a particularly hidden one.

Eventually both Diane and Karen shoved me out of the kitchen, telling me to go enjoy the afternoon with my children, that they'd finish cleaning up. I headed out to the backyard, sitting down with Stacy and Ford at the table. I poured myself a glass of lemonade and watched as all nine kids crawled around the yard, looking for eggs. Josh was following behind Harry, picking up the eggs he kept dropping on the ground.

After awhile, when they weren't finding any more, we had them come over and we counted them up, making sure they were all accounted for (they were). Then we let them open the eggs to find their prizes. 

It was later in the evening, after some leftovers for a light dinner, Josh and I got the cakes out of the freezer - I had opted for ice cream cakes this year, since I was going to be busy making the dinner to make two cakes. We quietly worked next to each other, forcing eight candles a piece into the cakes. One was covered in disney princesses, the other had a space theme to it. Once they were lit, we headed into the dining room, singing. We carefully put the cakes down and let them blow out the candles before cutting and serving everyone that wanted a slice a slice.

They both got a couple of presents from their siblings, grandparents and Josh.  Lance pulled out two envelopes at the end, and handed one to each twin.

"Your mother and I decided you were old enough to do this if you wanted," he said. "Happy birthday, kids."

They tore open the envelopes, and Aydin started screaming as he read what was written on them - acceptance papers to the same space camp Lance went to as a child.  He jumped out of his seat and hugged Lance first, then me. His sister followed immediately behind.

"Thanks, Mom, Dad!" He could barely contain his excietment.

I ruffled his hair. "You're welcome, sweetie. I hope you have fun there this summer." 

"I will, I will!" he bounced over to Diane and showed her.

"Space camp, Grandma! Just like Dad did!"

"That's awesome, Aydin." She gave him a hug. "You'll have just as much fun as he did, I'm sure."

It wasn't long before the Bass clan headed back to Lance's and we took all the sugar away from anyone under 12 so that they'd start to wind down for bed. The plan for the next day was Disney Land and we were going to need our rest.

His leg bounced the entire time we were in the waiting room. Josh couldn't calm his nerves. He kept glancing around at the other people in the room.

"Relax, you're not going to get a shot!" I whispered eventually. He just threw me a glare.

Finally they called us back and we followed the nice looking man down the hall to his office.

"Richard Konkoly," he introduced himself, holding out his hand for Josh to shake.

"Joshua Chasez," he said, shaking the counselor's hand.

"Samantha Chasez," I said as I took my turn. He took his seat at his desk, spinning the chair to face us as we sat down on the couch.

"So, how long have the two of you been together?"

"Seven years," Josh answered.

"And a half," I added. "What?" I added when they both looked at me.

"Nothing," they both said quickly.

Konkoly wrote something on his pad. "Okay. And how's the sex life?" when neither of us answered immediately, he looked up to find us both staring at him.

"It's a routine question," he assured.

"It's fine." Josh huffed.

"Not lately," I answered. He looked over at me. "You can sing about our sex life, but you can't talk about it to someone who can't say a word about it?"

"That's different. Those songs could be about anybody," he protested.

"True, but you did tell me once I was your muse. Don't think I didn't hear me in those songs, because I did."

"Some were just for fun though."

"Not all of them. Come on, Josh. 100 Ways was completely about what was essentially our honeymoon."

A cough interrupted us, and we both faced the man in front of us.

"So, uh, more recently?" he asked.

"Oh. Well, we kind of put it on hold once we agreed to seek some counseling," I answered. Josh nodded, looking down at his hands.

"Hmm. Joshua, anything to add?"

"It's good."

"Okay. How would you describe your relationship?"

Josh and I stared at him. "Like how?" I asked. He crossed his legs.

"Well, how did you two meet?"

Josh got all squinty eyed, trying to remember. "We met at a mall in Ohio. His band mate bumped into me," I explained.

Josh's head snapped up and he looked at me. "You remember that?"

I looked over at him. "Of course I do, I went and added it into my journal months later, so I would remember. You guys had a gig, and I think it was between sound check and performance, and one of you guys decided to play a joke on Lou and bought new outfits or something for the show. Lance was," I frowned, trying to remember. "I don't know what he was doing but he literally ran into me. Spilled my drink on the floor and all. Then the rest of you came out of the store."

"Ohh, now I remember it. We offered you tickets to the show that night and you turned us down!" Josh smirked. "Probably the only girl to ever do so, I think."

I laughed. "Yeah, and look where it got me." I sighed wistfully. "That was my last weekend out as a kid."

"Oh?"

"I finally gathered up the courage to take a pregnancy test the following week, and I knew for sure then." Josh offered me a small smile.

"Okay, and this was when?" Konkoly asked. I rested my head against the back of the couch, thinking.

"Oh, eleven years ago now, I think. Yeah. Eleven years ago this week, actually." I brought my head up again and stared right at Josh. "I've known you for over one third of my life." The sudden realization hit me like a bag of bricks. I glanced over at Josh and saw him doing the math.

"Wow," was all he said. I nodded.

There was a long moment of silence while Konkoly finished writing his notes.

"Okay, so what brings you two here today?" he asked, looking from me to Josh and back again. I looked over at Josh.

"You want to tell him?" I asked. He shrugged.

"I don't know how to word it," he said.

"Okay.," I turned to Konkoly. "I kept a secret from him for three years and now he doesn't know if he can trust me."

"Does that sum it up, Joshua?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"So what was the secret then?"

"Well, we were going through IVF for our last child, since I couldn't conceive normally, kind of a one-off try, we were talking about adopting if it didn't work," I paused and Konkoly nodded for me to continue. "And we had decided before hand that we were tempting fate enough already by doing the IVF, but when we went for the procedure, I had the clinic make the odds more favorable for a boy."

"I see," he said, writing on his pad. He turned to Josh. "How did that affect your relationship?"

He sighed. I took his hand and squeezed it gently. "I don't know," he frowned. I leaned over to him.

"Want me to leave for a few minutes? I could go to the bathroom and you can talk," I whispered. He shook his head.

"I'm fine," he murmured, squeezing my hand.

"You sure?" he nodded once. "I wouldn't mind stepping out if you need me to."

Josh faced me. "I'm sure."

"Okay." I squeezed his hand again. "But this will only work if you talk too," I pointed out gently.

"I know."

We all sat in silence for a few moments, watching him. Finally he looked up from his lap and looked at Konkoly.

"If she could keep something like that for all that time, she could be keeping a worse secret."

"Is that really what's been bothering you?" I asked. He nodded, finally looking over at me and meeting my eyes. "I'm not hiding anything from you."

"How am I supposed to believe that, when you've conveniently haven't mentioned you picked our son's gender for three years?"

"I said I was sorry!"

"Yeah, that you neglected to mention it to me, not that you did it in the first place."

"We were trying for a boy, I wanted to give it everything to make it worthwhile."

"We weren't trying for a boy. At least, I wasn't trying for a boy. We were going to give it one shot before talking about adoption."

"You wanted a boy though," I frowned. "You never said it, but I know you were thinking it."

"Oh, so you're a mind reader now," Josh spat out.

"No, I'm not. But I've had years to learn how to read you. I know you were very happy with the girls, and I know you love them, but there was a voice in your head telling you that you wanted a boy. I could see it on your face back then. That's what pushed me to do it."

Konkoly coughed, and we both turned to look at him, remembering suddenly he was there.

"I think I get the idea at the moment," he started. He glanced at the clock. "Our hour is almost up anyways." He spun around to face his desk and rummaged through a drawer and pulled out two journals, with little locks on the side. Real honest to goodness diaries. "I want you to take these- There's no need for those looks, really. And I want you to think about this issue and what bothers you about it. Your fears, your wishes, your take, it doesn't matter." He handed them to us.

"But I already have a journal," I protested.

"Got your thoughts written down in it about this issue?"

"Not...exactly. More like a summary of it happening while it was happening." I said. Konkoly hummed.

"Try writing out your thoughts, your feelings on this issue, why you think it's an issue. Or your thoughts on Joshua. Whatever crosses your mind and you want to talk about. Same for you, Joshua," he added. We nodded, taking the books.

"Schedule your next appointment on the way out. And if you need to talk before then," he handed us each a card, "Feel free to call any number on that. If I don't answer, just leave a message, I will call back."

We nodded, gathering our things and leaving the windowless room, blinking a bit at the bright sunlight of the hallway. We made our way down to the reception area, scheduling our next session before leaving.

The water splashed quietly as Josh slipped in. I opened an eye and looked in his direction to find nothing but ripples where he had entered. I leaned back against the inflated lounge I was on and watched as a cloud drifted across the full moon.

"Hey," Josh's soft voice was next to my ear.

"Hay is for horses," I glanced over at him, offering a small smile at the weak joke. He shook his head. I lifted my head off, glancing him over. Rivulets of water were running off his head, collecting across his shoulders before dripping back down into the pool. He rolled his eyes and pushed the lounge, upsetting it. I flailed for a second before falling in.

I pushed my hair out of my face as I stood up, facing him. I gave him a glare, playing up my anger with a few huffs when I noticed his stare was below my eye line.

"One of my favorite underwear sets, probably ruined for your enjoyment." His eyes moved up, meeting mine.

"Hey now," I whispered, sobering at the look in his eyes. "What's going on?"

He moved to the edge of the pool, pulling himself up on the edge. I followed, pulling myself up next to him, the concrete rough under my hands and light breeze cold against the wet of my skin. I sat and watched him quietly for a few moments while he seemed to gather his thoughts.

"If I ask you something, will you be completely honest with me?" He turned his head to watch me.

"Yes. Completely."

"Why are you with me?"

I felt my mouth drop open and closed it. "I don't..I don't know," I saw Josh's eyes start to harden before I could finish. "I don't know how to answer that." He nodded once and looked down at his hands. I slipped off the concrete and moved to stand between his legs and looked up at him.

"I don't know why we're together, really. I know that I love you. I love you like I've never loved anyone before. I always have loved you. First as a friend, then as my best friend, then as my lover, my husband, and the father of three of my children," I smiled at him. "You can't say you were my first, or that you knocked me up with twins, but you're the one that gets to brag about knocking me up the most."

He scoffed. I put my hands on either side of his legs and he watched me. "We almost didn't happen, you know. I was very tempted to tell you go get out of my house, out of my life. I almost did, too."

"What made you change your mind then, if you were so determined to be done with me?"

"You did." He looked surprised. "You looked so sad, so broken, and you had been my best friend for more than a year. You alone offered condolences when I left Lance. You were the shoulder I cried on. They weren't the only tears I shed over the whole ordeal, but you were the only one I felt comfortable enough with to let past the shell I had created. And when I saw your face as I started to turn you away, I knew I couldn't just shove you out of my life, with the history we had."

He nodded. "I need to confess something," he murmured.

"I'm listening," I told him.

"I...hired a private investigator to find you." he rushed it out, the words nearly blurring together. I frowned for a second, letting what he said sink in.

"When, back then?" I asked. He nodded. Something clicked in my mind. "It all makes sense now," I whispered.

"What does?" his eyes were full of worry.

"How you knew where I was. I always wondered. I know I didn't tell Lance where I was going. I was sure I didn't let slip with Diane or any of you guys."

"You never answered my calls after you left."

"I know, you weren't alone. I wasn't answering anyone until I got the new number. I needed a fresh start, so you can imagine what went through my mind when you just showed up," I pointed out.

"A fresh start yes, but you just up and left without a word, without a trace. You had a lot of people worried. Not just me or Lance, but the other guys, Diane and Jim, Johnny,"

"Johnny? Really?"

"Yeah, though that might have been because we were distracted. He was livid when he heard the story of what happened, but when we told him we hadn't heard from you since, he started to worry too, I think," he chuckled a little. "You didn't sit in that meeting. The one we had when I brought you down to Orlando."

"Do I want to know?"

"The first half of the meeting was spent with everyone asking me about you. Then we went on to Justin's solo gig and what we were going to do, and then it went back to you. And me. 'How is she?' 'Why is she here with you?' 'Where'd you find her?' 'What do you mean, married?'"

I raised an eyebrow at the last one. "Who asked that one?" I was only half curious.

Josh scratched the inside of his arm. "Joey. I wasn't too popular there for awhile. Broke the man's code."

"There's a Man's Code?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

Josh gave a half smile. "Thou shall not hook up with a bro's ex. Thou shall not use the urinal right next to another bro..." he trailed off as I started to laugh.

I sobered up and rubbed his knee lightly. "I'm sorry."

He waved his hand. "It's fine. It was worth it, for you. They all came around eventually, didn't they?"

"Yeah, I guess." We lapsed into silence for a long time.

"Can I bring something up?" I asked.

"Bring what up?"

"Harry."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess."

"Look at me, please." He met my eyes. "I am sorry I kept it from you for so long. I know I should have brought it up long ago. Like, before I did it." Josh nodded. "But I'm not sorry I did it. You wanted a boy, I wanted you to have a boy."

"Because you're such a mind reader, Sam."

"No, I'm just someone who loves you very much and has learned to read you like a book. We're completely honest with each other, that's why we've been together this long. I just wish you could find it to forgive me for the one mistake I did in all that time."

"I do forgive you," he said after a moment. "I just need to learn to trust you again. All that time you spend with Lance doesn't help."

"But you know nothing's going on." I repeated again.

"I know, but think of how it looks, Sam. You spend at least an hour a day with your ex husband. Gay or not, friend or not, you two have a history together, and two kids to show for it."

"Oh," I said.

"Yeah. And to add to that, I know what it's like to be your best friend when you're married to someone else. Lance and I have traded places in life,"

"And you kissed me back then," I added, my eyes wide with realization. "So you think that because you kissed me nine years ago that I'll be unfaithful with Lance?"

He shrugged.

"Joshua Scott Chasez, have I ever given you any reason whatsoever to doubt, I mean seriously doubt my commitment and loyalty to you? In all the time I've known you?"

He shook his head. "No, you're one of the most loyal people I know."

"So what makes you think I would ever cheat on you with my gay ex-husband? Kids and history or no, he doesn't swing my way. He never really did. Everyone can speculate on what went on between the two of us, but when you realize your marriage had been a sham, and your husband had only married you to get you pregnant, you start to doubt yourself. I would know."

"It wasn't a sham, he loved you. He still does."

"If that were true, wouldn't he have just asked me if I would mind being the mother of his kids someday? I probably would have said yes to him if he had just asked."

"You were pretty anti-premarital sex back then," he pointed out. "After Celine and Scottie."

"Could you blame me? I was 19 and had two kids. And if he had asked nicely, I would have said yes. I'd have done anything for him back then." Josh shook his head, agreeing with me. We were quiet for a moment.

"And it's not like there'd have been sex when he was ready to have the kids. He wouldn't have had to of gone through with anything more than what he'd done before."

Josh smirked a little. "Was he that bad or something?"

I spit a mouthful of pool water at him. "No, he wasn't bad. But why go through with it if you don't have to?"

"I don't know."

We stared at each other, unblinking until I broke the spell by blinking. It seemed to shake him out of it as well.

"That felt good," I said.

"Yeah, it did."

"We okay?"

"I think we will be," he said, the first time he had in a few months. I kissed his knee and he ran his fingers over the top of my head and tugged gently on my ponytail.

"We've got some good stuff to talk about next session, at least," I offered a tentative smile and moved away, heading for the ladder to get out.

Josh got up, gathered our clothes and moved to meet me at the end of the pool. 

I quickly tucked the book under the folds of the bedspread as Josh walked in, like a naughty teenager hiding a playboy magazine. It wasn't anything as bad as that, but I wasn't ready just yet to share with him what I was starting to research. I wasn't sure what he'd take to the "oh by the way, this pagan thing is really interesting" talk would be like. He didn't notice as he sat on the bed, stripping his shoes, socks and jeans off. He levered his legs into bed before turning to me.

"They're all asleep," he said. I nodded. He pulled out his book, turned on the news, and sat back to read. I pulled my book out as well.

"New book?" he asked.

"Yeah, something different," I lowered it again so he couldn't see the title. He noticed and sat up, pulling the book out of my hands.

"So You Want to Be a Witch?" Josh read the title and looked at me.

"You know, there's a lot of similarities to Christianity. Maiden, Mother, Crone instead of Father, Son, Holy Ghost. A lot of holidays got their start because of pagan holidays."

"Still, wicca?"

"Mmm. I'm not sure I like the whole wicca thing. I like the part about celebrating nature, and not needing to go to a church to do it. And about trying to be the best person you can be."

"Okay, that does sound a lot like you. But the magic?"

"That's the part I couldn't be less interested in. I have everything I need. I've got a family that loves me, a career choice I love. I just, I still feel like there's something missing is all."

"Okay, if that's how you feel," Josh handed the book back and went on reading his. I watched him read.

"What?" he asked after a few pages.

"I was just reading that some people worship skyclad. Or naked, if you perfer. Maybe, if you felt up to it, we could do a ritual or two together." I could almost feel the sparkle in my own eyes.

"Maybe. Sounds alright to me."I grinned before closing the space between us and giving him a kiss. "

I love you so much. Thank you for being there for me, for being so understanding."

"I love you too, Sam." He captured me as I moved away from him and brought me to him again. Guess I wasn't going to get any more reading done tonight.

Dear Journal,

Wow, In the 11 years since I started keeping journals, I never started an entry like that. But then, I suppose there hasn't been an entry like this either. I started these after I found out I was pregnant at 17. I wanted something to give my child, to show them how hard it's been for me. Funny thing was, I was too busy trying to make ends meet to actually write back then. And then Lance happened and I did start writing a little more, if only to assure myself that my life was indeed happening. I was dating a pop star.

Anyways, it's not a normal entry by far. And that's saying something. Especially since there's an entry or two I didn't do - Josh did. I didn't witness what happened today, but it's affecting my life in a big way. It started when I got a call around nine this morning to sub for a teacher that suddenly got sick. Josh was already up and out of the house, he had planned on being with Matt all day. I called the daycare center, see if they were full for the day for the preschoolers. They were so I called Lance in the rush I was in to get going. Luckily he didn't have anything planned for the day and was here in minutes.

I arrived home late afternoon to find Josh home and in the very rare form of beyond angry. He gets angry sometimes, like everyone, but today he was nearly vibrating with it. Even the kids had noticed and were playing quietly for once in the family room. Josh was pacing the kitchen, silently fuming.

“Do you know what your Ex-Husband did today?” he asked by way of greeting.

“Uh, watched Harry when I needed to go to work this morning?” I set the bags of fast food on the table as I replied.

“Is that what he was supposed to be doing? Watching Harry? Sure as hell didn't look that way when I got home.”

I sighed. “I'm not in the mood for another rant about how you want to think I'm sneaking around behind your back with him,” I told him as I started pulling food out of the bags. He didn't hear me and just continued on as if I hadn't spoken.

“He was in our bathroom with his boyfriend while Harry was sleeping across the hall,” Josh relayed. I stopped unpacking happy meals and looked at him.

“What?!”

Josh nodded.

“Bedroom,” I whispered. He nodded once in agreement and went up the stairs. “Kids, dinner's on the table,” I called out to the family room before following him.

“So what happened?” I asked after I had closed the door.

“I got home just after lunch,” Josh started. “Figured you had got called in and Harry was in daycare since your car was gone. But Harry was asleep in his bed when I came up here. So I figured you were doing laundry and I continued to the bathroom.”

I nodded.

“Only there was panting and moaning behind the closed bathroom door. The unlocked door.” He pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes.

“And Lance was there with INSERTBFHERE?” I asked when it became obvious he wasn't going to continue. He nodded.

“Having sex,” I half-asked, unbelieving.

“Yes.” Josh removed his hands and looked at me. “With our three-year-old sleeping just across the hall from them.

“Okay,” I said. Having not seen the actual event seemingly made it less of a pressing issue.

“Okay? That's all you have to say? Your Ex-Husband was having sex in our bathroom! Our son could have walked in on them and all you have to say is 'Okay'?”

“You keep calling him 'my' ex. He's your friend too,” I pointed out.

“Oh no he isn't. Not after today he isn't. You don't do that,” Josh started pacing around the room again. I sat on the bed and pulled my legs up to stay out of his way.

“What did you do?” I asked. I knew him well enough to know something had happened.

“Told him to get out.”

“How exactly did you say that?” I had a feeling there was much more not being said there. Josh stopped pacing and stared at me.

“'Get the fuck out' more or less,” he replied. “And maybe to stay away from us or something as well.”

“Riiight.” It was my turn to put my face in my hands. I couldn't believe this was happening. “You do remember that two of those kids downstairs are his son and daughter. He's always going to be a part of my life, and yours by extension because of that.”

He snorted. “I don't want him near my kids.”

“Well, he's going to be so you're going to have to get over that and find a way to be at peace with it. I'm not going to take his kids away from him because he had a slip of judgment.”

“He was having sex, Sam! Like ten yards away from our son!”

“So do we!”

“We lock the door.” I had to give him that one. We usually do. “Why are you taking his side, anyways?” he asked.

“I didn't know I was supposed to take sides.” He just stared at me like it should have been obvious. “Why can't I be Switzerland?”

“Why are you so calm?”

“I'm not calm. I'm...disappointed. Disappointed in both of you. Lance for what he did and you for being so mad at him over it.” I could tell by his face that this wasn't what he was expecting to hear.

“You've changed,” he said, much calmer than moments before.

“Mm.” I hummed. “I've found peace.”

“You have?”

I nodded. “I've found myself and peace came with it.” I got off the bed and walked up to him. “I'm not happy about what happened today, but I'm not going to get dragged into whatever you want to start. I can't. I have to stay neutral. Not only for myself but for the kids as well.” He looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. I guess he was in a way.

“Whatever happens, I'll listen to what you have to say. Just don't ask me to take sides. And don't put me in the middle.”

“Sam, I-”

“I've been in the middle for eight years. I can't be stuck between the two of you anymore. You use to be like brothers, but it hasn't been that for a long, long time and I'm the reason. I got in the way. Always being suspected of unfaithfulness. First from Lance and then you.” I laughed bitterly. “If I was anyone else, if I didn't love you so completely, I would have packed my bags long ago. It hasn't been a fair way to live all these years. If you're so determined to be mad at him, fine, be mad at him. You just better leave me out of the reason why from now on.” I turned, pausing at the doorway to look at him again. “I made my choice a long time ago. Well before Lance came out. That should count for something.” I headed downstairs to my kids and dinner.

This inner peace thing that I've found in the past few weeks is a good thing, I think. So many things have become so much clearer lately, and I feel right now I'm standing at the corner of a cross-road and things are going down the streets and I'm just getting hit by the rush of air as they pass. Josh still seems to be mad at Lance, but it's different now, focused somehow now that there seems to be a real reason behind it. I don't know what this is going to do to the family I've built up over the past decade, but I somehow know that everything will work out eventually.

“You've got plans tonight,” he informed me. “Some nice plans.”

“Do I?” He grinned in response. “And here I thought it was just going to be another Monday night. Get the kids in bed, maybe call it a night a bit earlier than normal....”

“Nope, we're going out. Somewhere nice.”

“Black tie nice or casual nice?”

“Somewhere in between. Everything is taken care of. You just need to get dressed and be ready to go at six.”

I raised my eyebrows but he just started singing along to himself, slowing down our frenzied twirling to match the slow beat of the song.

“Love you,” he whispered in my ear as the song came to a close the second time.

“And I you,” I replied. We shared a quick kiss, then he went upstairs. The music cut off and then Josh returned, this time getting himself some coffee and sitting across from me.

“I was going to go to the pound today,” I said, looking up from the chapter I was reading. “I haven't been in a while and had nothing planned for this afternoon. Want to come with?”

Josh studied me. “Sure.”An uneasy silence came over him, like he wanted to say something more but wasn't going to. I watched him for a moment, deciding it was probably something to do with Lance and let it go, returning to my homework.

By the time we left for the pound, he was back to a more normal mood. Harry loved the dog area, running from cage to cage, sticking his fingers in, giggling delightedly if they licked his fingers. I gathered up a leash and some toys, selecting one of the smaller ones to take out to the fenced in run in the back of the building. Josh and I stood just inside the gate, watching as our son ran around with the beagle mix, both completely in their element, laughing and barking as they ran in circles.

“He really loves his dogs,” Josh commented, watching as Harry threw the ball and then chased after Kiki for it.

“Yeah, and they really love him too. Have you noticed how Jake tolerates his playing but if anyone else does it, he growls? Rosie's like a second mother to him, the way she watches after him.”

“Rosie loves everyone.” 

After a while, we took Kiki back in and hooked one of the larger dogs to a lead and took him for a walk around the lot. Then we had to tear Harry away from the dogs and took a cat out into one of the playrooms. Harry reluctantly played with the cat, eventually warming up to how it would bat at the feather on a stick that he could wave around.

“He really loves dogs,” Josh repeated.

“He does,” I agreed. “I sometimes wonder if he'll be a vet, but his love is so specific to just dogs.”

“Yeah,” Josh agreed. “I wonder sometimes too. I look at them and wonder what they'll be when they're adults.”

I nodded. “I worry about Celine. I see so much of myself in her, I hope she finds something she's passionate about. Scottie may end up like Scott, he's got his father's analytical mind and love of baseball. Whatever he ends up doing, he's probably going to coach little league or something.”

“I see Livvie as a preschool teacher,” Josh added. “She's so wise beyond her years, sometimes I forget I'm talking to a kindergartner.”

“I know! Where'd she get that from? None of her siblings were like that.” Josh shook his head. “Aurora's a future CEO, I don't think she'd settle for anything less. Aydin will work for NASA or a planetarium somewhere.”

“Yeah, and Zara'll be one of those millionaire matchmakers maybe.”

“Hm. I don't know. She's a bit harder to place. Painter maybe, I think. She's bossy, but she loves coloring almost more than anything else.”

“Yeah."

We hit McDonald's on the way home, enjoying our mostly quiet outing, just the three of us over nuggets and fries.

Harry was nodding off when we returned and Josh put him down for a late nap while I met the school bus at the end of the driveway.

Josh offered to sit though homework so that I could go up and have a shower to start getting ready for whatever he had planned for us.

At six we had both showered and dressed, he in dress pants and shirt. I went with a dress that was a few steps up from casual. I had put my hair in some large curlers after the shower and left it down, a soft wave giving it some interest. A baby-sitter had arrived, one of our regulars.

I laughed when I saw where we were going for dinner – our favorite chinese place.

“I didn't know that Chow Fat's had gone upscale,” I joked. He smiled, as if there was some sort of private joke I was missing.

“Can't argue with the basics,” he said. “Your usual?” he asked. I nodded and sat back, letting him go in to order our food.

We ate at a picnic table that was on the parking lot side of some dunes at the beach. He kept glancing at his watch as we ate, like we were going to be late maybe. I watched the glitter of the sun on the water as the waves rolled in, feeling more at peace than I had been lately, which was something since I had never felt as peaceful as I had the past few months before. Something about the power of the water as it crashed against the sand that marked the edge of the land was both invigorating and relaxing at the same time.

Finally, after the last eggroll had been eaten and the end of the wonton soup playfully bickered over, I found out why I was dressed up. Like he had done for a  few years previous, he had planned something spectacular for us, then surprised me with it.

“You remembered,” I stated when we got inside the theater and I discovered that we were about to see a production of Macbeth.

“Yeah,” he answered. “I did.” I was at a loss to what to say to that, realizing just how much effort he put into remembering our nights alone in the hotel nearly a decade earlier. I suddenly remembered the night vividly. He had a fight with Bobbie about something simple, about not making it to some sort of art festival or something. He hadn't been in the mood to go out and I had a headache. He was too angry to go to sleep and so we stayed up, talking about things. It was one of the first nights we did that. We sat together at the table in his room, cups of tea in hand, talking about Shakespeare, art and other things that we found we shared an interest for.

He had gotten us what they were calling a banquet seat, which was really just a slightly curved couch, set against the back of the front section, up against the bar. He had actually bought all four tickets for our couch so we could have a bit of space to ourselves.

The performance itself was great. I was reminded of how much fun I had reading the play in school. They had hired a local theater troupe to come in and act out bits after we had read the play. And we were encouraged to participate in some of the scenes, and at the end of the week we all got out of the pep assembly to stage the final battle with doll rod swords.

“For the record, I like Hamlet too,” I informed him as we walked to the car.

“Just the tragedies then, I'll remember that when they put on Romeo & Juliet.”

I made a face. “Romeo & Juliet is so ninth grade, hon. Everything is Romeo & Juliet.”

“The Tempest is good too. And Midsummer Night's Dream.”

“Yeah, I like those too,” he glanced at me as he started the car. “I remember.”

“I'm not tired yet, what do you say we make some tea and chill in the family room for a bit?”

I knew something was up. Josh had locked himself into his studio, which I admit, was not unusual, sometimes I think he does it to get ten minutes of solitude. But then I turned around and he was sitting on the bed, sorting through some of his files in his finances folder, the safe visible and open in our closet. Talking softly on the phone with someone. I set our laundry basket on the floor and gestured to it when he glanced up. He nodded silently, listening to whomever was on the phone.

“But why me?” he asked as I left.

He was off during dinner as well. He barely said more than two words, beyond “Pass the salt.” After I had excused the kids, I asked him to help with the dishes. We waited for the kitchen to clear out before talking.

“Do you want to tell me what's going on?” I asked, finding places in the fridge for the leftovers.

“They're trying to tell me I owe quite a bit in back taxes. In Mississippi.”

I blinked. “Mississippi?”

“Yeah.”

I stared at him, my mouth opening and closing, nothing coming out. He glanced over eventually. “Two hundred thousand,” he added.

“How?”

“Property taxes.”

“But...you never owned any property there!”

“I know.”

“So how can you owe that much for not owning property in a state you never lived in?”

“That's what I'm trying to find out. As far as I can tell it's from back when *NSYNC was still around.”

“So they probably want Lance.”

“I don't know.”

“It has to be. He's the one that owned that house in Jackson.”

He put the plate back down in the sink and leaned against the counter. “It could also be you they're looking for.”

“Me?”

“You lived there too,” he pointed out gently.

“Four months. My name was never on that house. I was still driving with a Florida license until I moved back to Ohio.”

“There could be laws that made that house yours since you were married.” He pushed himself off the counter. “I don't think that's the case though. Probably some sort of miscommunication from a tour, fees not paid or something.”

I laughed bitterly. “Two hundred grand. Must be one huge interest rate.” I paused. “Do I need to quit school?”

“No. I'll get to the bottom of it, honey. We'll get it worked out and you do not have to quit school.”

“I can though, if we need to.” I bit my lip. “I can teach at private school without state certification. I've got my bachelors and more than half of my masters done, I'm more than qualified for it.”

He crossed the kitchen in three steps and took me into his arms. “You're not going to drop out of school. Don't ever worry about having the money for that.”

I laughed into his shoulder. “You do remember we have seven kids living here most of the time, right?”

“Lance will pay for the twins.”

“That leaves five.”

“You've got college funds already for Celine and Scott. We'll worry about the girls and Harry when the time comes.”

“I'll only have enough to cover their tuition if they go to community college. And only if they don't decide to live with Scott,” I told him.

“Scholarships exist, hon.”

“I suppose.”

“We'll be okay.” he tucked his chin on top of my head. “Don't even think of dropping out, okay?” I nodded.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you,” he whispered back.