"This morning, there's a calm I can't explain...

by the time I recognize this moment,

this moment will be gone.

But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on..."

Song and Lyrics by: John Mayer "Clarity"

Click the lyrics to watch the video of him performing this acoustic!

I had only known one love in my entire thirty one years of life; my music. But meeting her changed everything. Suddenly she was the love of my life; the focus of all of my attention. Everything changed when she walked into my line of sight. I no longer felt like music was the only constant in my life, the only thing I could ever count on to not let me down. She had quickly taken on that role, and I could see her being that for me, forever.

And so, when it came time for me to extend my record contract to cut a few more albums, I actually had a choice to make; to sign the contract, committing myself to another 3 albums to be put out over the span of five years-five years spent creating the music that I loved. That had never failed me. Five years being so insanely busy writing, recording, promoting, and touring that I wouldn't have time to breathe.

Or have a personal life. Five more years to put off settling down with someone that I was so excited to start a life with that at times I couldn't wait to put a ring on her hand even though we'd only been dating for a few short months. When faced with the decision that day in the Jive recording offices, there hadn't been much of a choice to make at all. I chose her. I thought it was a good idea to call it quits anyway, to walk away when I was at the top of my game. Little did I know that walking away would cost me my happiness; pulling me into the blackest pit of despair. And cause me to lose the love of my life.

So now, almost four years after walking away from it all, I've decided to go back. I have to. If I don't, I'm going to drown in this depression. Looking back through the pages in my journals over the last few years, I've barely kept my head above the surface as it is.

You're probably wondering ‘why now', right? Yeah, me too. All I know is that I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a melody in my head that wouldn't stop playing until I put my fingers on the keys of the baby grand piano in my living room at home. A piano that had been far too neglected since I'd walked away from music; since I'd let her walk away from me. Cause see, even after I'd given up music as my career, she always inspired me to keep creating it. She was my muse. And when she left, so did the melodies.

Up until last night.

Up until last night I'd been living my life in a constant haze. Unable to feel anything. I was completely numb. I'd come to just accept it. Come to accept that the only two things that I'd ever loved in my entire life were gone.

But then my fingers touched the keys and played out the melody that had awakened me from sleep. My fingers on the blacks and whites of the piano had never felt so perfect before. It was so blissfully painful. And yet, it felt like home. Like they'd never been apart from the instrument. And in that instant, as my hands curved against the 88 keys in front of me, the sun just starting to peek on the horizon, the fog lifted. And I had a brief moment of clarity.

For the first time since everything had happened, everything was so painstakingly clear to me. I knew what needed to be done. I needed to go back. I needed to right the wrongs I'd done. When I couldn't pull my hands away from the piano, couldn't stop creating, it was glaringly obvious that I needed music back in my life. But if I was going to go after that, I also needed something else--I needed her.

Sorry, I should probably give her a name.

Madison. Madison Elizabeth Martin (soon to have been Timberlake). We never made it to the altar. We were just a few weeks from the wedding when I'd allowed her to leave. And I say "allowed" because when she told me she was leaving me, I didn't have the fight in me to stop her. At that point, I didn't even care. I'd grown to resent her, blaming her for where I was in life. For making me choose her over my music.

Even though that's not what happened. She'd never once asked me to choose one or the other. If anything, she had encouraged me to sign the contract; to keep going. Saying that my music was as important to her as it was to me, and that she'd stick out the hectic five years with me.

In that moment of clarity when the haze lifted from my head, I also had come to terms with the fact that it was my fault she'd left; that I'd pushed her to that point. I only wonder now what would happen if I tried to make things right, if she'd accept me into her life again. I could only hope that her heart was still as gracious as it had been before.

Only one way to find out.

 “Sometimes I’m a selfish fake,

You’re always a true friend.

And I don’t deserve you

Cause I’m not there for you…”

Songwriters: Culpepper, James; Mosley, Lacey Nicole; Seals, Kirkpatrick; Benson, Howard; Hartmann, Jared; Bhattachryan, Sameer

Song: “There For You”-Flyleaf 

I’m staring at the phone in my hand, willing my fingers to dial a number for a person I’ve known since I was twelve years old. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Can’t bring myself to admit that I was wrong. Not to him at least. Next to Madison, he was the one that I’d shut out of my life the worst. Would he even pick up the phone after all these years? I vaguely remember him saying to me the last time we talked that if and when I ever needed him, he’d be there. But that was three years ago. He was a good guy with a big heart, but maybe I was expecting too much.

I sighed out heavily, closing my eyes and letting my fingers press the buttons on my phone. I brought it to my ear when I finished, my heart pounding in my chest.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rin—“Hello?”

The breath I’d been holding in wooshed out of my lungs all at once. “Jayce?” I breathed out quietly, completely surprised that he’d even answered. But then again, it had been three years. He’d probably gotten a new phone since then. I doubt I was even still in his contacts.

There were a few beats of silence, then—“Justin?” he questioned. My throat tightened at the sincerity I heard behind his voice. I pressed my lips together and swallowed thickly. “Yeah, Jayce. It’s me.” The backs of my eyes were starting to sting.

“Wow. This is a surprise.” I could hear the slight smile in his voice. “Believe me, I know.” I responded, wiping at my eyes with the backs of my hand.

“Is everything alright?”

How to answer that question, I wondered. “Not yet…”

“Yet?”

“No. But it will be.”

He sighed into the phone. “So what’s up?”

“Are—are you busy?” I questioned, suddenly feeling like I had interrupted something. “Nah. I just wrapped up filming at the studios.”

“Oh ok. Cause if you are I can just…call you back or whatever.” I scratched at the back of my neck nervously. I didn’t know what to talk to him about. I didn’t even know how to broach the conversation that I needed to have with him.

“J, its fine.” For some reason, the casual use of my nickname made my heart swell.

“You still there?” he asked. “Yeah, uh, yeah. I’m still here. Just trying to…” I began, not knowing how to continue.

“You’re writing again?”

And just like that, he had handed me my way in. I slouched into the couch, propping my feet up on the coffee table in front of me. It was scary how much he still knew me, even after not talking for as long as we had.

“How’d you even…” I was baffled by his question.

“I know you, Justin. We’ve been best friends since before you hit puberty. We may not have been talking these past few years, but I can still read you like a book.” He replied.

I chuckled. He always did know me best. Sometimes it was a pain in my ass. But right now, it was a blessing. He took what would’ve been a hard conversation for me to start and turned it into something that I could glide into easily.

“Look, I don’t care that we haven’t talked. So save the apologies. I know you’re sorry. I’m just glad that you’ve finally come around.”

Once again he rendered me speechless. “But Jayce, I really am sorry. I was such an ass to you. And all you were trying to do at the time was be a good friend to me. And I shut you out because it was too hard. I don’t deserve to have your friendship.”

“I told you—no apologies. I’m hanging up if you keep going with this one.” He joked.

“Fine. Fine. Just…know that I am. We were best friends, Jayce. Through everything.”

“I know. And don’t say ‘were’. We still are. A few years isn’t going to change that. I told you that the day I left.”

I know I’m being a pussy about this, but how I’d gotten lucky enough to have him as my best friend, I would never know. The last thing I had expected when I called him was for him to be so accepting of everything.

“Thanks.”

“Mhmm.”

Silence.

“So you didn’t answer my question. Are you writing?”

I picked at a string on my jeans. “I’m not sure if you’d call it writing. But. I woke up in the middle of the night with a melody in my head and couldn’t get to the piano fast enough. I haven’t really stopped playing since.”

“You gonna lay it down?” he inquired.

“I might. Just to see if it sounds any good besides in my head.” I turned my head to eye the piano, already itching to get back to it. Lyrics were forming in my head to go with the melody. I needed to see if they’d fit.

“You know it does. They always do.”

“Lies. I’m out of practice. It probably sounds like shit.” I grabbed a piece of paper from the shelf under the coffee table and scribbled down the words.

“Well, lay it down. Send it over when you’re done. You know I’ll give you an honest opinion.”

I nodded before realizing that he couldn’t see me. I was already getting lost in the story that I was creating on the paper in front of me. “I know. Sometimes too honest. Maybe that’s why I’m afraid to record it. I don’t want to hear it if it sucks.” I flipped the paper over having filled the one side already.

“You sound distracted. Finally getting some lyrics down?” JC questioned. I shook my head. “Dude, it’s scary how in tune with me you are. Are you sure you’re not stalking me or something?”

JC laughed. “Like I said before, I know you. You and I always had a freaky connection thing that no one could ever explain.” I joined in and laughed with him. “Got that right. It is freaky.” I agreed.

“You gonna be in LA for a while?”

I bit my lip, erasing the last line I’d written to replace it with something else. “Yeah, I don’t foresee me leaving anytime soon. Unless my phone call with Johnny results in him wanting me to come see him, wherever he is. Why, did you wanna get together?” I asked.

“Read my mind. You free tomorrow?”

I laughed at him. “Dude, I have no life. I don’t do anything.”

“Well, let’s get to work on changing that, huh? Starting tomorrow.”

I stood from the couch, walking back over to the piano, running my hand along the edge of it. I needed to dust it. It had collected a lot since the last time that I’d played it. It was a gorgeous piano; a white Baldwin baby grand that I had to buy when I moved into this place. “Sounds good, Jayce. I’ll call you when I’m up.”

“Alright. And J, it’s good to have you back. It’s going to sound gay but, I missed you.”

My throat closed up at his admission and I felt the tears sting the backs of my eyes again. Dammit I’m such a girl. “Missed you too, C.” I choked out. “See you tomorrow.” He finished, hanging up.

I put the phone down on top of the piano and swung my legs around the bench to face the keys, settling my fingers on the ivories again for what seemed like the hundredth time since I’d awakened hours earlier. I couldn’t help it. The feeling that coursed through me was electrifying. And terrifying at the same time. Playing through the same melody that had brought me to this spot in the middle of the night, I closed my eyes and let the music take me over. And I saw her.  All golden hair and glowing eyes and long legs. My pulse quickened. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever known, inside and out.

Had I been dreaming about her when I’d woken up with this in my head, I wondered. It wouldn’t have been the first time that I’d had a melody come to me when I was sleeping. But it hadn’t happened since she’d left me.

I opened my eyes and stared at the phone in front of me. I had another phone call to make. But I wasn’t ready to do it yet. I needed to get my life back on track before I could even hope to bring her back into it.

 "I love my step, i lose my ground,

i lose myself when you're around.

I'm holding on for my life

to keep from drowning in your eyes...

cause I'm fallin', fallin',

girl I'm fallin' for you.

And I pray you're fallin' too; I've been fallin', fallin'

ever since the moment, I laid eyes on you"

Song: *NSYNC "Falling"

Lyrics: Schickman, Ira Steven; Poppin, Bryan; Brown, Gary; Kirkpatrick, Chris

*5 years earlier

I wasn't in the mood to go out tonight. At all. I'd had a hell of a time in the studio today and all I wanted to do was sleep. But JC had insisted that I go out tonight to let loose.

So I did. I hadn't been out with him in a while anyway. Both of us had been too busy.

The two of us walked into the bar and made our way to a high-top in the back, slightly out of the way of the mass of people that were crowded in the front of the place around the bar. I'd left the bodyguard at home for the night so I wanted to stay a little bit out of the way. I took a seat and politely told the waitress my drink order when she approached the table nervously.

I laughed, watching as JC eyed her as she walked away from us, a slight flush to her cheeks after taking our orders. Poor girl had no idea that she'd come into work tonight and have to deal with me and Jayce. "She's cute." JC commented and I agreed, rubbing at my lips as I surveyed the patrons in the bar.

I was single for the first time in forever, so I was allowed to look and admire. Maybe take home.

Kidding. Sort of. I wasn't too keen on taking home randoms from the bar. That's how gossip got started. And I liked staying out of the rumor mill in the celeb rags. I'd had enough of it all when I dated Brit.

The waitress returned with our drinks and giggled when JC winked at her as she set his in front of him. "You gonna get her number before we leave?" I asked. And he shrugged before taking a sip of his beer. His eyes widened seconds later and I had to turn my head to figure out what had made him look like that. All I could see was an incredibly sexy blonde woman heading our way.

Wait.

I turned to look again.

Damn she was hot.

JC's face broke out in a grin that stretched up to his eyes when I heard a female voice call out his name. You can imagine my surprise when it was the same incredibly sexy blonde that I had been admiring seconds before.

"JAY-CEEEEEEEEEEE!" She squealed, approaching him and throwing her arms around his neck.

"Madi!" He cried out, hugging her tightly.

Well what the fuck. How'd JC know this girl? I'd never seen her before. And going back through my list of JC's friends that I knew of, the name Madi never tripped my memory.

She pulled away from him, her grin bright, and her teeth as white as snow. She coulda done commercials for Crest with how white they were.

"And you must be Justin." She said, extending a hand to shake mine. I gripped hers in mine lightly, mesmerized by the softness of her skin. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled from the feeling.

"J, this is Madison. She's my mom's sister's daughter."

"What he's saying is I'm his cousin." She corrected, jabbing her elbow into his side. "Right." He laughed.

"Nice to meet you." I said softly, throwing her my famous Timberlake smile.

I must have been having an off night, she didn't even blink.

Most women would've thrown their panties at me to give them a smile like that.

Shit, she was a tough cookie.

As she grabbed the bar stool from the table behind us, I raised my eyebrows up and down at JC. "No." he mouthed, smothering it as she returned to the table. "So, I'm surprised as hell to see you here! You never go out!" she teased, straddling the stool. I let my eyes trail down her muscular legs, accented from the heels that she was wearing. I swallowed.

She was JC's cousin? Again I wondered how we'd never met before this.

JC kicked me under the table and I shot my eyes up to meet his. He was glaring at me, knowing that I had been checking her out. I zoned out and concentrated on finishing my beer as the two of them caught up.

Apparently they hadn't seen each other in years but had kept in contact through email and what not.

"What're you drinking?" Her voice broke into my thoughts and I blinked at her, losing myself in the deep color of her green eyes. "Uhh..." JC coughed, "...we're both drinking Guinness." He supplied. And I said a silent thank you with my eyes.

Well hell. I wasn't coming off very smart to this girl.

What was my problem?

JC threw a napkin at me as he excused himself to hit the restrooms.

"So Justin, how's the next album coming?" she inquired, scooting the chair closer to me so that I could hear her better. I nearly swallowed my tongue at the intensity behind her gaze. What had she just asked me? And why the hell had JC left me alone with her? "It's...going. I guess." I replied, mentally kicking myself for sounding like such an idiot. "Having problems coming up with something that's going to top FutureSex/LoveSounds?" She smirked at me and I felt a blush creep up my neck.

Fuck. This girl had my head all clouded. I shook my head, trying to form an intelligent sentence. What was it about this girl, I wondered.  I had beautiful girls around me all the time. She wasn't even the most beautiful girl, physically, that I had ever laid eyes on, but there was something about her that I couldn't put my finger on that made her the most gorgeous woman I had ever crossed paths with.

She licked her lips, waiting for my answer. My eyes immediately zeroed in on them and I lost my train of thought. Dammit! That was my move. To get girls to look at my lips and think about kissing me. She was beating me at my own game and I'm not even sure that she was trying to play one.

"Of course. Gotta take it to the next level." I finally replied.

"I loved that album." She said honestly and I grinned at her. And I'm pretty sure that I saw the rise and fall of her chest speed up at it. Score one for me.

"It's hard to come up with something that's going to beat SexyBack." Madison nodded in agreement. "I have faith you can do it." She said with a wink before sliding off the stool and grabbing our empty beer cups. "Be right back."

"So?" JC asked, coming to stand next to me.

"You've been holdin' out on me, dude!" I yelled, hitting JC in the chest with the back of my hand as I watched the leggy blonde walking away from us to retrieve our drinks from the bar. JC shot me a look of warning. "She just got out of a pretty long relationship, J. And it wasn't an easy breakup."

I shrugged. "So I'll be her rebound." I joked, eyeing as she bent over the bar to flag down the bartender. JC laughed. "Down boy. You're not even her type."

"Has that ever stopped me before?" I said cockily, licking my lips subconsciously when she slipped one foot out of her high heel and rest it on the ground, giving the arch in her foot a break. I don't pretend to know anything about heels, but the things she had on were sky high. And looked incredibly uncomfortable. God bless women who wore heels. Especially this one. I didn't know what it was about her but as soon as JC had introduced us, I was figuring out how I was going to convince her to go on a date with me.

And yeah, I said convince. I don't normally say this but, I'm Justin fucking Timberlake. I don't have to convince anyone, ever, to go on a date with me. But I had a feeling that with this one, I would.

She smiled at me as she set my beer down in front of me and my heart thundered against my ribcage. Woah. Wasn't expecting that one. Where had she come from? I'd known JC forever and he'd never once mentioned this creature that was standing in front of me. I was grinning like an idiot at her, I could tell because JC was looking at me like I was nuts.

Apparently I was if I was having this kind of a reaction to a woman. Women never flustered me. But this one had quickly scattered my brain with just a smile and the wiggle in her walk. Well, fuck me.

"So JC, it was awesome running into you!" She was speaking, and the sound of it was like music to my ears. Fuck that was cheesy. Who the hell had taken over my body and replaced it with this moron, I wondered, taking a huge gulp of my beer to smother the smile on my face.

"...but I've got to head out." She finished, throwing another smile my way.

"You can't stick around?" I wanted to smack myself in the forehead. If that didn't sound desperate...

"Well, I've got to work early in the morning." She grumbled, picking her purse up off the table. "We understand." JC said sympathetically, smiling and pulling her into a hug. They pulled away and she winked at me. "Nice to meet you, Justin." She said before she walked away. I nearly fell over. I put a hand over my heart and gripped at my chest. "Jesus JC. She's going to be the death of me and I don't even know her."

He laughed loudly at me before pushing his beer in my direction. "Drink up, dude. You look like you need this more than me." He said, poking fun at me. I downed my beer and then picked his up before I responded. "I hate you."

Two days later I had changed my tune.

I was sitting in the studio, playing back the track that I had just laid down, when my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID before answering, noting that it wasn't a number I recognized.

"JTimbs." I said picking it up. A girlish giggle wafted through the phone. "Is that what you call yourself?" My ears were immediately on fire when I heard the voice. I cleared my throat nervously, sitting up in the chair that I was reclined in. "So, I hope you don't mind..." she went on, "but I asked JC for your number after we met the other night. It's Madison."

Like I could forget the sound of her voice if I tried, even though I'd only heard her utter a few sentences the other night.

"Oh! Hey, what's up?" I replied, hoping to come off as sounding casual and completely unfazed by the fact that she'd gotten my number. I needed to remember to call JC later and give him hell for giving me hell over the past few days when he knew all along that she was interested in me. That asshole. Some best friend he is.

"I'm not normally this forward. At all. But. Oh God, you're going to think I'm nuts..." she giggled nervously this time, "...would you be interested in going out sometime? I mean, I completely understand if you wouldn't want to. Girls are throwing themselves at you constantly, I'm sure. And you probably think that I'm just another one of them. But I figured that I'd give it a shot. And if you said no, then I'd just chalk it up to..." she rushed.

"Absolutely." I responded, grinning ear to ear at her nervousness. I heard her let out a huge sigh of relief. "Really?!" she responded, sounding surprised. "Of course. I spent half the night the other night trying to figure out how I was going to convince you to go on a date with me." I said honestly. She laughed again, and I found myself wanting to hear more of it. "Why would you have to convince anyone to go on a date with you?" She questioned. I shook my head at that. Clearly, she was already inside my head. "I mean, you're Justin Timberlake." I chuckled. "Something about you made me think you could give me a run for my money." I let on. "I doubt that." She admitted.

"Wanna bet?"

"What do I win?" she teased.

"Me." I replied playfully.

"Well, count me in then." I could tell that she was smiling and I wished like hell in that instant that I could see it.

"Quite frankly, you flustered me the other night. It's a rare occurrence that a woman makes me almost forget my own name but you, you managed to. And I've been trying to figure out ever since then how the hell you did it." I admitted. Clearly, talking to her over the phone was easier than in person.

"You're lying!" she accused. "I kid you not. JC has been teasing me relentlessly the past few days about it. He's like ‘dude, I've never seen you react to a girl like that before!' It made him happy to see someone knock my ego down a few pegs."

She laughed. "I had no idea what I was doing. But I'll make sure to give JC a swift kick in the ass for teasing you the next time I see him."

"My girl in shining armor." I teased, wanting to slam my head against the counter for being so fucking cheesy. Seriously, this was becoming a problem.

"So that makes you the princess?" she joked and I laughed along with her. "Smartass."

"Are you busy? Did I catch you at a bad time?" she asked.

"Not really. I'm in the studio just mixing some stuff. So when are we going on this date?" I messed with a few dials in front of me.

"My nights are free so, whenever."

"Well, how about tonight?" I inquired before I even had time to really think it through. What was tonight anyway? Monday? Tuesday?

"Tonight? Sure!" she answered enthusiastically.

So after jotting her address down and setting a time to pick her up, we hung up. And I couldn't have been more nervous for a first date in my entire life.

*****

To say the date was perfect...

Was a complete lie.

Sure, I'd gotten to her house on time and we'd gotten to the restaurant earlier than our reservation time. And the food was good. And she was beautiful. And the conversation flowed easily.

At least on her end.

I don't know what it was about her, but every time I talked to her I turned into a bumbling idiot.

But she was gracious about it. When I said something dumb, she'd throw in something equally as stupid to balance it out and we'd laugh.

And I'd never blushed so many times in my life.

It's not that she was being overtly sexy and forward with me; I think that's just how she was wired. I found that it excited me that she could affect me like that-no other woman had ever been able to.

Her laugh was infectious and melodic. And there I go again with the cheese. Let me just lay it on thicker, here. The more that she laughed, the more I wanted to make her laugh just so that I could see her face light up. More than once, I caught myself staring at her, completely oblivious to what was going on around us.

It was embarrassing.

Especially when I had zoned out enough to not notice the group of three girls standing beside the table wanting my autograph.

Madison had kicked me under the table and cleared her throat to get my attention.

I signed the girls' paper napkins and they went on their way. But it put me into a mood.

Sometimes I hated being the celebrity that I was. I couldn't even enjoy a first date without being hounded by someone wanting something from me.

I know, I have no right to complain. At all. Because 99% of the time, my life is exactly the way I had dreamed it would be all those years ago when I was just a kid with a love of performing.

I knew she was the real deal when she was able to pull me out of the bad mood.

She'd told me to knock it off. To be grateful that people cared about me enough to want a piece of me. Because when they stopped caring was when it would all be over.

And I knew she was right. I'd been told the same exact thing before from numerous different people. But it'd never had the effect on me as it did coming from her.

The grin that she'd added at the end of saying that to me was what did it. I felt the corners of my lips twitch and I couldn't have stopped the smile from coming if I'd tried.

So I smiled at her using the real smile, not the fake one that I reserved for pictures or for stage. And she reached across the table for my hand, taking it into hers causing my heart to race.

I was seriously starting to wonder what would happen if we ended up kissing. I'm fairly sure that she'd put me in a hospital bed.

So now we were just staring at each other, and I was completely mesmerized by the way her emerald green eyes glittered up at me. I could feel my palms sweating and I hoped that she hadn't noticed it yet.

"You are so beautiful." She murmured, not breaking eye contact. She took her hand out of mine and dragged a fingernail along the top of my hand. I felt my face get hot again and then she giggled and slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Did I really just say that out loud?" she asked embarrassed. I grinned at her, thanking god that I hadn't been the one to make the slip up. Because let's face it, since I'd met her two nights ago, I'd already felt stupid enough for the both of us.

"It's alright." I reassured her, flipping her hand over to intertwine our fingers again. "I get it all the time." Well hey there confidence, where the hell have you been these past few hours?

She gave me a horrified look before she slapped at my arm playfully. "Arrogant much?" She teased.

"I was only half kidding. It meant something coming from you. From anyone else, it's just noise. Besides, I was thinking the same thing about you."

She blushed, causing me to grin again. My face was going to hurt by the end of the night with how much smiling I was doing.

She glanced at her watch. "Got another hot date to get to?" I joked and she shook her head. "Yeah, someone way more gorgeous and famous than you. Ever heard of Nick Carter?"

I gripped my heart dramatically like I had been shot and she let out the laugh that I was quickly growing addicted to hearing. "Ouch babe. That one stung a bit."

She stuck her tongue out at me and I found myself laughing at how cute she was acting. And how comfortable things had seemed to settle into being with us. Like we'd been this way for years. "Actually, I have work early. I didn't realize it had gotten to be so late." I looked down at my own watch and was surprised to see that it was nearing almost midnight. A quick glance around the restaurant told me that she and I were one of the few couples left in the place.

"I hadn't noticed, either." I replied, returning my gaze to her face and welcoming the pounding of my heart against my chest when she settled her eyes back on me. We both sighed out at the same time, clearly feeling the same electricity that was moving between us.

I waved the waitress over, apologizing for taking up so much of her night, and paid our bill.

Madison insisted that I let her at least pay the tip, and I refused. We were on a first date, and the man never lets the woman pay. She made some offhanded comment about ‘me Tarzan, you Jane' that had me laughing so hard my sides hurt.

When we got up to leave the restaurant and she reached back for my hand, she did it like it was the most natural thing in the world. And feeling her hand in mine, I had to admit that it sure felt like it.

I didn't want to say goodnight when we pulled up in front of her place. I sensed that she didn't either. We stayed talking in my car for a good thirty minutes before she insisted that she had to go because if she didn't, then she was calling in sick to work tomorrow.

And even though I wanted to spend more time with her, I didn't want her blowing off work to be with me.

She shocked me, and not for the first time, when she leaned across the center console and pressed her lips against mine softly. She pulled back seconds later and straightened, touching a finger to her lips. I imagine the same lightning bolt that had just struck me when our lips met had also gotten her judging from the way she was looking at me.

"So..." she started, placing a hand on the door handle. "I had a great time, Justin." She breathed, still fingering her lips. I, on the other hand, was still frozen in place. "Me too." I whispered hoarsely, watching as she opened the door and got out. "Have a wonderful day at work tomorrow. Can I call you?" I questioned, leaning over to look at her. She ducked her head in and nodded vigorously. "Yes. Or text. Or stop by. Whatever you want to do." She giggled nervously, realizing that she'd said too much again. "My mouth always seems to run away with itself when I'm around you." She admitted. "Funny. I could say the same thing about mine. Goodnight beautiful. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I watched her walk up to her door and gave her a smile when she turned around to wave goodbye.

I pulled away from the curb and back onto the street, shaking my head back and forth.

That was a hell of a first date.

Could I say that our first date was perfect?

No, because it was more than perfect.

Could I say that after our first date I knew that it would be the last one I'd ever have in my life? I absolutely could.

"What if I got it wrong?

And no poem or song

Could put right what I got wrong?

Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide

That you don't want me there by your side,

That you don't want me there in your life?"

Song & Lyrics: Coldplay "What If"

I still hadn't moved from the piano. And it was now dark outside. I'd managed to sit there the entire day. I looked at the sheet music that was spread out in front of me, the pages a mess of notes and chord progressions and lyrics that, if someone else were to look at it, wouldn't make any sense at all, but it made perfect sense to me.

I never used to have to write stuff down. I always told myself that it was worth recording and releasing if it was worth remembering.

But I didn't trust that instinct anymore. I hadn't used it in forever.

Besides, for all I knew, the stuff that I'd written today was total shit. I wouldn't know ‘til I recorded a stripped down version of it. And even then, I'd still have to have JC listen to it. If anyone would give me the honest to God truth, it would be him.

My stomach grumbled. I hadn't eaten all day. But I knew I didn't have any food in the house save for probably a package of crackers in the pantry and some kind of frozen meat in the freezer. That wouldn't help my current situation.

I mentally added ‘go grocery shopping' to my list of things I needed to do.

I stood and stretched, my arms reaching up towards the ceiling. My muscles were cramped from sitting on the hard piano bench all day long.

Walking into the kitchen, I peered into the fridge to see if I did have anything in there. A half carton of orange juice, a stick of butter and salad dressings. Nope. Nothing. I glanced to the wall where my car keys were hanging on the hook. I was going to have to go out.

I sighed. Going out was the last thing I wanted to do right now. I looked down at my attire, still wearing last night's t-shirt and shorts, and decided that I should probably put on some clean clothes before I left. Not that anyone would care what I was wearing. People had stopped paying attention to me as soon as the media frenzy died down about me quitting.

You'll never hear me admit this aloud but, I missed the attention. Weird I know, considering how much I loathed it when I was constantly under the media's scrutiny. But I knew that when that had gone away that everything was really over, that no one cared anymore. Turns out everyone had been right when they told me that when people stopped caring was when it was over. Turns out she had been right too, on the night of our first date when she'd told me the very same thing.

Twenty minutes later I was in the car and driving out of my neighborhood on the way to...what did I want? I hadn't been truly hungry for something specific in forever. I was eating enough to sustain myself, sure. But food hadn't really appealed to me.

Nothing matters when you're as depressed as I was. Am? Am I still depressed, I wondered?

I knew something had changed. But I wasn't too sure if it was permanent or if I would suddenly revert back to the darkness that I had been living in the past few years.

Maybe I needed to see a psychiatrist?

I wasn't entirely sure how comfortable I felt about that. I didn't want some shrink digging around in my head, stirring up memories that I had managed to suppress. I had pushed them out of my head for good reason.

Plus, they'd have a hell of a story to tell should I ever make it big again. I know they weren't allowed to talk-doctor/patient confidentiality and all that shit but, this is LA...that shit doesn't apply when there's money involved.

I guess I'd have to see what happened over the next few days. After I'd talked to a few of the people that I needed to get in touch with. After I wrote more. My music was always the best form of therapy I'd ever known. Surely it could still be the same.

I wound up in front of In'n'Out Burger, ordering a double-double with cheese combo meal. I gave the girl at the window my credit card, when she gave it back to me she showed no signs of even knowing who I was. It didn't surprise me. Like I said before, no one gave a shit anymore.

After I had gotten my food, I inhaled the intoxicating scent of the greasy food and my stomach growled loudly. I couldn't wait ‘til I got home to eat so I pulled into a parking space in the lot and dug in to my fries first, savoring the taste. It'd been so long since I'd cared what I was putting in my stomach, I'd forgotten what good, greasy food tasted like. Clearly I had been missing out.

I had just taken a huge bite of my burger, which I'll be the first to say, was the messiest thing to try and eat in the car, when my cell phone started buzzing beside me on the seat. I glanced at it, trying to read the caller ID as I chewed and swallowed the bite almost whole. I had the phone in my hand and had pressed send before I got a chance to look at who it was again.

"Yello."

"Justin?" My ears perked. I knew that voice.

"Mom..." I breathed out, wiping my hands on the napkin that I had strategically balanced on my leg. "Hi baby." She sounded sad, I could tell she was smiling but...she still sounded sad.

"Hi momma. I was meaning to call you." I told her, shoving another French fry in my mouth. "I hadn't heard from you in a week. I was beginning to get worried."

"I'm fine momma."

"I know. JC called." I sucked in a breath. Some best friend he was, ratting me out to my mother before I got a chance to talk to her. "And?"

"Is it true, baby?" she asked. I exhaled.

"Well what'd he tell you?" Best to know what she'd already heard from him so I didn't have to tell it twice.

"He said you called him today. Justin, he sounded so relieved that you'd finally reached out to him. He's been so worried about you." She said honestly.

"I know that."

"We all have."

"Who's we?" I inquired, taking the wrapping off my straw and inserting it into the lid.

"Well you know. Me, Paul, Randy, Johnny, your brothers miss you terribly..."

I squeezed my eyes shut. If I felt bad about shutting anyone out, it had been them. Sure they were older, but they still needed me. Still needed a big brother to look up to. To be able to count on. I hadn't been that big brother for them for years.

"Anyone else?"

"Everyone, baby. I talk to the guys on a pretty regular basis. I even talk to Madison." My heart pounded in my chest at the mention of her name.

"Re-really? How's she doing?" I asked, suddenly nervous for what her answer was going to be.

"She's doing well, I think. Her label just signed someone huge that had been dropped from a different label, so that'll give the company good exposure."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. She knew that's not what I wanted to hear about, though I was glad that she was doing well in her career.

"Is she..."

"She misses you baby." She began before I could get the question out. "That's what you were really wondering, right?"

I sighed out and bit my lip. "Yeah. That's...that's what I wanted to know. Does she sound happy at least?"

I could hear my mom shuffling the phone from one ear to the other, fidgeting, apparently not wanting to answer. "Well..."

"Mom..."

"I think, in most aspects she is. But I don't think she'll truly be happy unless she's with you." She told me truthfully.

"How do you know that?"

"Justin, it's not hard to figure out. I can hear it in her voice when I talk to her. And it was clear from the very beginning that you two were meant to be together. Are you planning on calling her?" she prodded.

That was a given. Didn't my mom know that already?

"Yes." I stared at the burger in my lap, longing to get off the phone so I could finish eating it. It was a two-hands needed type thing.

"When?"

I suppressed a groan. She was only trying to be helpful, I knew that. It was just...with her line of questioning I was suddenly becoming anxious over the whole thing. Over the very long road back to...what was it I wanted to achieve with this venture back into the music world? Super stardom like before? A multi-million dollar record deal? Sold out stadiums and arenas? A busy schedule with no time to breathe?

Thinking about it like that put it into perspective. I knew that's not what I wanted. I just wanted to feel normal again.

But four years ago all of that had been normal, my mind countered.

"Justin, you still there?" my mom called out. Shaking out of my trance, I answered her. "Yeah, just...a lot to think about. Listen, I'm actually getting food right now so, can I call you tomorrow after Jayce and I have had lunch? I'll probably have a bit more to tell you after that."

She sighed into the phone. "Sure. I love you, baby boy."

"Love you too."

"Oh, and Justin? Make sure you call Madison. I know she'd love to hear from you." And with that she hung up.

I threw the phone onto the seat with a growl.

This whole thing was already starting to feel like more than I could handle, and it was only day one.

*****

I called Jayce the next morning when I got up and we settled on a time and place to meet up for lunch.

Getting up was amazing. I felt well rested for the first time in...forever. The dark circles under my eyes even looked a little bit better. I could only imagine what a few more nights of ‘good sleep' would do for me.

It was when I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror shaving, a towel wrapped around my waist, that I really noticed how skinny I had gotten. I'd paid no mind to it before. I didn't care.

I should've. I looked terrible. I just can't believe that I haven't noticed ‘til now. Stealing a glance at the scale on the ground I contemplated weighing myself. I was terrified to. I didn't need a number to tell me that I was probably at a dangerously unhealthy weight right now. My hipbones were sticking out, and not in that sexy ‘V' kind that makes all you girls go crazy. If I turned around and looked at my back I'm sure that I would've seen my spine through my skin too. Wiping the remaining shaving cream from my face, I decided that I needed to hit the gym and see a doctor while I was at it, just to make sure that the rest of me was healthy.

I'm sure the doc would wonder why I'd let myself lose so much weight, and I'd tell him the truth. That I had just stopped caring, that I was so depressed that nothing mattered, that mentally I was far more unhealthy than physically and that I was working on it.

I finished getting ready with a bit of time to spare. And when I went downstairs and saw the piano sitting there, my fingers itched to play it again. To see if that feeling from yesterday was still there.

I slid onto the bench, placed my hands on the keys and began playing.

It was a completely different song than what I'd written yesterday.

I puffed out the air that I had sucked in when I started playing, relieved that the feeling and inspiration hadn't disappeared.

When it came time to leave to meet JC I had to tear myself away from the instrument, toying with the idea of cancelling on him to stay home and work more.

But I knew he wouldn't accept that.

So I got up from the piano, grabbed the keys to my Mercedes and left.

To say I was nervous was an understatement. I was petrified. I was scared to death of what he was going to say when he saw me. I'd never looked this way in my life, never been this...frail looking. Even when we were going through the toughest time in our career-our lawsuit with fat man Pearlman, I didn't let myself go. Then again, I'd had people around me constantly during that time making sure that I was alright and shoving food down my throat even when I was so nauseous about everything going on around us that I felt like I couldn't eat.

I had to look at the positive. I was trying to correct things now, attempting to pull myself out of the hell that I'd brought upon myself. And I was reaching out to the people that would help pull me out of it. JC was one of them.

Pulling into a spot on the road in front of the restaurant he had chosen, one off the main strip, I took in a deep breath, steeling my nerves for what was to come. I got out of my car and walked on shaky legs to the entrance.

Here goes nothing. 

Sitting across from him two hours after we'd started lunch, him rambling on about one of the dance crews on this season, I don't know why I had been nervous. He was the same old JC; all flailing hands and arms and loud laughter and crinkly-eyed smiles.

Still my best friend.

I was glad I hadn't cancelled, seeing him was good for me. He'd teased me a bit at first about being skinnier than he was but after that he'd told me that he'd accompany me to the gym if I wanted. I took him up on the offer-he was looking better than I remembered him being. Clearly, age was doing him good. Realizing that he was now pushing 40 and I was over the 30 year mark, I suddenly felt old.

"So, what's the next step?" he questioned.

"Lay down a few of the songs that I'm working on, I suppose. That way when I meet with Johnny, I'll have something solid, hopefully, to play for him. To show him that I'm serious." I replied, crinkling my napkin in my lap and tossing it onto my now empty plate.

He steepeled his fingers in front of his lips and nodded. "Have you called him yet?"

"No. I don't even know what to say to him. My mom says she's talked to him but...I don't know how he's going to react to this. The last time we talked was a few months after I had told him I was done and wasn't coming back. Now I'm eating my words."

As always JC had something reassuring to say about what I'd just said. "You know Johnny, he's not like that. He's going to be glad as hell that you want to put something out again. Just, if he tries to talk you into an NSYNC reunion instead of going solo, make sure you get in touch with me before agreeing to it."

I laughed. An NSYNC reunion was the last thing that JC wanted and I knew it.

I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I eyed him warily.

"You're joking."

He shook his head. "Naw dude. If that's what it takes to you get you back out there, then why not?" I pondered this for a moment, scratching my chin. "I think Johnny'd have a stroke if I threw that idea out to him."

JC chuckled. "Like I said, just make sure you give me and the guys a heads up."

"Will do."

"When are you planning to lay this stuff down? Did you want me to be there?" he asked, handing his plate to the waitress when she came by to pick up our bill.

"You busy this afternoon?" The words came spilling out over my lips before I could even stop them. I wasn't even ready to record anything, was I?

"Glad to see you're so eager, J." He smiled.

"Yeah, well..." I scratched at the back of my neck, "...I'm not sure how much I can actually get done because none of its really...written. I just kind of put my fingers to the piano and it flows out."

JC rolled his eyes. "Then nothing has changed. That's how you used to do it before."

"So what are you saying?" I questioned, folding my arms across my chest. He shrugged. "Why not just go in the studio, hit the record button and see what happens?"

I think I visibly paled at the idea. That was a terrifying thought.

"Don't second guess yourself." JC interjected and I smothered the smile that was creeping up on me. "Seriously dude. Get out of my head." He smirked.

"Shall we get outta here? Get you back to work?" He asked, sliding his chair back from the table and standing up.

"I guess now's as good as any time to do it. You still know the way back to my house?"

He shot me an incredulous look. "What kind of question is that?"

I stood and followed him out the entrance. "Alright then, see you there in a few."

We departed, him walking to his shiny black Audi, and me to my Mercedes.

On the drive home, my stomach was wound tight with anticipation. Or was that fear? Or bad chicken?

I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth in worry. What if I got in there and couldn't do it? What if, when I tried to play out the melodies that I'd been playing over and over the past day and half, didn't come? What if it didn't sound as good on a track as it did in my head? What if...

...what if?

"Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to"

Song and Lyrics: "Goodbye To You"- Michelle Branch

I stood paused in front of door that led downstairs to the studio, my hand gripping the knob tightly. My heart was pounding in my chest. The last time I'd been down here was to clean up the mess I'd made when I'd finally figured out that Madison had indeed left me and was not coming back.

I remembered that day vividly now. It was also one of the last times I'd talked to JC. I had contacted him to find out if he'd heard from Madison and when he told me he had spoken to her and that she'd told him that she'd left me and wasn't coming back I stormed into the studio. I completely trashed the place, punching holes into the speakers, throwing the sound board onto the ground, my Mac computer smashed on the floor, sheet music and journals filled with years' worth of lyrics and chord progressions scattered all over. Looking back on it now, it had to have been one of my darkest days. The day that JC had come to find me sitting amidst the mess I'd made came in a close second.

JC clapped me on the back, shaking me from my reverie. "You ready, J?" he asked, giving me a careful smile. I puffed out the breath I'd been holding.

"Guess so." I responded, turning the knob and pushing the door open, staring down the steps into the darkened room. I walked down slowly, my pulse increasing the closer I came to reaching the bottom step.

I flipped the light switch on my way by, bathing the room in a soft light.

Everything was just as JC had left it. After seeing the damage I'd done to my equipment, he'd offered to replace the stuff for me. At the time I could've cared less. But JC, ever my best friend in the entire world, somehow knew even back then that I would someday be back at this point. Looking at it now, I didn't know how I could ever repay him.

"You ok dude?" JC asked, taking a seat in one of the leather chairs. I bobbed my head ‘yes' at him.

The room in front of me blurred, showing me a completely different time.

"Justin, are you ok?" Her soft voice barely invaded my consciousness. I don't even think I acknowledged that I'd heard her. Just kept staring at the controls in front of me, and the blank piece of sheet music that had been sitting on the console, mocking me; laughing in my face that it seemed I had lost it.

"Justin?" she prodded again, this time settling her hands on my shoulders, giving a gentle squeeze.

I flinched just slightly and she removed her hands from me quickly, as if I'd burned her.

"No." I whispered hoarsely out into the dark room. I could barely make out her figure standing behind me in the reflection of the Plexiglas that separated the recording booth from the sound board. She came to lean casually against the console, reaching out a hand to run it over my cheek. "You've been down here for hours. Come to bed already. It's late. You're not getting any work done by having a staring contest with the sheet music."One side of her mouth pulled up to half smile at me. I didn't return it.

I clenched my fists against the desk, the muscle in my jaw twitching. "No."

She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. "Do you want me to sit down here with you? Do you want to talk about it? Maybe bounce some ideas off me?"

The veins in my arm popped the harder I clenched my fists; I could feel my fingernails digging into my palms.

"No. I don't want to talk to you about it."I breathed out harshly. "Baby, maybe you need to talk to someone about whatever it is that you're feeling. Talking things out is healthy. Maybe if you do that, the ideas will start flowing."

"I don't need to talk to some fucking shrink about my problems." I growled out, fisting the papers in front of me into a ball and throwing them to the side angrily. "I know what the fucking problem is!" I pushed back from the sound board console quickly, the rolling chair crashing against the wall behind me with the movement.

"And that is?"she questioned, standing upright and cocking a hip out to the side.

"YOU!" I shouted, and she gasped. "You're my problem. Ever since you walked into my life! I gave up everything to be with you! You're the reason that it's all gone!"

I barely registered the shocked look on her face at my words. I was too far gone into this personal hell that I'd created to care. It was her fault. She made me walk away from it all. She was the reason that I was unhappy now. She was the reason that I felt like something was missing from my life since she made me quit doing what I loved. She made the music go away.

It was all her fault.

"I'm the reason?!" she yelled back, fiery green eyes ablaze now as she looked at me. Normally I liked it when she was all riled up. She was sexy. "Do NOT pin this on me, Justin Randall. No one else made you refuse to sign that contract extension with Jive. I never ONCE told you that it was me or your career. I TOLD you that you should keep going. I supported your career. I wanted you to sign that contract! If you're looking for someone to blame for all of this, look in the fucking mirror. You have no one to blame but yourself."

My eyes flared in anger. How dare she stand there and say that it was my fault! Was she delusional? If I'd never met her I'd still be out on that stage, touring, performing, and making music, doing what I loved. No, she was entirely to blame.

She turned on her heel to leave, climbing the steps back up to the main floor hastily. "Where the fuck are you going?" I shouted out, leaping in her direction, taking the steps two at a time as I followed her retreating form. I wasn't finished with this conversation yet.

She whirled around when I grabbed onto her wrist and for a second I thought she was going to take a swing at me.

"I quit, Justin. You want to blame it all on me? Fine. If that's what's going to help you sleep at night then, be my guest. But I'm not going to stick around while you throw accusations at me that are completely unfounded. You're so stuck inside your own head that you can't even tell which way is up anymore." She tore her arm from my grasp and continued her journey up the stairs to the second level and into our bedroom, retreating into the closet for a moment before coming back out, suitcase in hand.

I leaned against the doorframe, staring at her lazily. She wasn't really going to leave. We'd had similar discussions, (read: arguments), like this before. We always ended up making up. Tonight wouldn't be any different.

I watched as she threw piles of her clothes into the luggage, her flying about the room with frenzied motions. I moved to sit on the bed, she moved into the bathroom retrieving more of her belongings from there. "I tried to stand by and help you through this, Justin. I really did. I thought maybe it was just a phase you were going through but you haven't gotten any better. You're falling into this pit of depression that I don't think I can pull you out from anymore. And frankly, you seem to like it there. So, I'm done."

She zipped her suitcase up and put it onto the floor, dragging it behind her and out of the room without a second glance. I hopped up off the bed and followed behind, watching as the suitcase bumped down the stairs and rolled to the door that led to the garage.

She swiped her keys from the hook on the wall and grabbed her purse from the counter, slinging it over her shoulder before turning to me, her eyes glistening slightly with tears. "Justin, I love you more than life itself. I would've done anything for you if you had asked me to. But you're not the man I fell in love with. You haven't been for quite some time. I just can't do this anymore." Her voice hitched on the last word, one tear slipping down her cheek before she turned and opened the door and walked out. I heard the garage door go up and her car start, and I heard the garage door go back down.

I still wasn't convinced that she was really going to stay gone. She'd be back.

It wasn't ‘til a week had passed without any contact from her that I realized that she really was gone.

I sat down at the keyboard, fixing a few sound settings on it before I could start playing, and met JC's eyes through the window, showing him a nervous smile. I saw him reach for a button before his voice came on over the speaker. "You're going to do fine. Stop doubting yourself. I don't."

I nodded at him and placed my fingers on the keys, willing my heart to stop racing and pounding loudly in my ears.

"Whenever you're ready dude."

I played a note that sounded wrong and I winced. It definitely didn't make the sound that I wanted. I adjusted some levels, changing the settings before trying again.

Again it was wrong. I let out a frustrated grunt.

"You're over-thinking it." JC buzzed in. "Close your eyes. Just feel it. You'll know when it's right."

Right. Easy for him to say. He hadn't been out of the game like I had. Years ago, being in a studio had been like second nature to me. Came as natural as breathing, almost. Now, it was foreign. And the fact that I kept screwing things up was making it worse. My confidence that I could do this again and be any good what-so-ever at it was wavering.

Just feel it.

You'll know when it's right.

I kept chanting those two lines in my head, hoping that they'd ignite a fire in me and help me find what I was looking for.

My eyes landed on a picture of Madison and I that had been taped haphazardly to the wall one night in her effort to help me find inspiration for a song that I was writing with one of Johnny Wrights' new artists. It was taken at Chris' Halloween party the first year that we'd gotten together. She'd dressed up as the Queen of Hearts and I, the Mad Hatter. In it, she had my big green top hat on and her flamingo cane wrapped around my neck, both of us grinning like idiots for the camera, in love and completely drunk. The corner of my mouth twitched and I fought a smile.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in and played the first chord that felt right, moving my fingers along the keys lightly, following whatever melody my heart was telling me to play. What was coming out now wasn't the song I'd been playing earlier, nor was it the song that had started this whole process to begin with.

A picture was being painted in my head and I could see the words to describe it perfectly. I knew exactly what note it needed to start on. So, starting from the first chord that I'd played moments earlier, I began again, the words tumbling out of my mouth, my fingers tinkering over the keys effortlessly, not missing a beat. The tempo swelled near the end, the melody rising with it. When I brought the song to a close it was all I could do not to shout out that I still had it. It just felt right.

I opened my eyes and angled my body to look through the window to JC. His expression was unreadable while the smile I had on my face was about to break my cheekbones. Why wasn't he as excited as I was? Had I completely sucked and just been too deaf to hear it? Too in denial?

He moved to press a button. "Dude, come in here." I frowned. Well that didn't sound too promising.

I rose from the stool I was sitting on and travelled the few steps into the production room where JC was.

"That bad?" I questioned, plopping into the chair next to him. He didn't even respond, just hit the playback button and reclined back in his chair. "Just...listen."

I wasn't prepared for the playback. To say I was surprised when I heard it was an understatement. I hit the nail on the head. I could feel how perfectly that song had turned out. The melody was running hot through my veins. And JC was thrumming with energy next to me. When the song ended he swiveled his chair to look at me, waiting for a reaction.

"Well?" I asked him, wanting to hear his honest opinion first. He scratched at the back of his neck. "Dude...I don't know why you doubted yourself. I also don't know why the fuck you ever stopped in the first place. That shit was brilliant. You could probably go to Johnny with just this cut right here and he'd throw you back into the studio right away, regardless if the label was backing you."

I let out a sigh of relief. "Really? You think it's that good?" I knew what I felt when I listened to it, but I was biased.

"Absolutely. You wanna do it again? Get the lyrics out real clean this time?" I nodded; grabbing a piece of paper and instructing him to play it back again for me so I could get the lyrics down.

STAY

It's hard to believe where we are now

Your hand in mine babe, feels right somehow

The night is so still, so don't make a sound

It's almost perfect baby, promise you'll never look down

We had our past, I know

Let's leave that behind

‘Cause none of it matters now, all that we have is tonight

You're not the only one

Who's ever felt this way

Don't let the world get in, tell me that you'll stay

Now that the pain is done, there's no need to be afraid

We don't have time to waste, tell me that you'll stay

Beautiful, one of a kind

You're something special baby

You don't even realize that you're my heart's desire

All that I needed and more

I know you're scared but I promise babe

I'm not who I was before

You're not the only one

Who's ever felt this way

Don't let the world get in, tell me that you'll stay

Now that the pain is done, there's no need to be afraid

We don't have time to waste, tell me that you'll stay

Tell me; tell me that you'll stay.

Tell me; tell me you're gonna stay.

After getting that first song recorded in a version that I liked, the others fell into place effortlessly. I had shown JC the two songs that I'd been working on and he helped out with lyrics when they didn't flow right and tweaked melodies to make the song better. I was in the middle of a haunting key change when my stomach grumbled in hunger. My fingers faltered on the keys and then I heard JC's laugh ring out in the booth. "Dude, the mic totally picked up your stomach growling." I threw my head back and laughed, turning to look at him. "What time is it anyway?"

"9."

"Call it a day?" I answered back. He nodded. Turning off the keyboard and the amps and I pushed back from the piano and walked out to sit down next to JC.

"I think you've got some badass material here, J. Pretty good first day back I'd say."

I sighed, rubbing a hand over the top of my head. "I'm glad you think so. You're opinion means a lot to me, Jayce." He smiled, tweaking knobs and pressing buttons, turning everything off. "You know I'll always give an honest one. Shall we go get some food?"

My stomach growled again before I could answer him with words. He laughed. "I'll take that as a yes."

Getting up, I followed him out of the room, looking over my shoulder one last time before I reached to shut the light off.

I smiled slightly when my eyes settled on a picture of Madison above the lights switch. This one had been taken in the studio. She was sitting at the keyboard, eyes closed, lips pressed together, blonde hair tumbling over her shoulders in  messy waves from sleep, and she was wearing one of my t-shirts-only my t-shirt. I had caught her down here in the middle of the night one night and she had looked so beautiful that I had to capture it. It was one of my favorite pictures of her. It was also the night that I'd found out that she had been hiding what an incredible voice she had.

My heart twisted in my chest and I sighed before flipping the switch to off. I looked up to see JC staring down at me from the top of the steps. "You still love her, huh?" he asked. I bounded up the steps quickly and shut the door behind me. "After those lyrics you heard down there, you're questioning me?" I joked, walking over go grab my keys off the counter. "What're you going to do about it?" he said, following me out the door to my car. I slid into the car and started it.

"I know I need to talk to her. To explain. Apologize. Even if she doesn't love me anymore, I at least need to fix things. Let her know that I never meant it when I said it was her fault. None of it was." I leaned my head against the headrest and looked over at him and he half smiled at me as he put his seatbelt on.

He was quiet for a moment.

He twisted his hands nervously in his lap.

I backed out of the driveway, waiting for his response.

"Justin, I..." he scratched at the back of his neck, "...I'm not going to pretend to know how she feels in her heart for you. We don't talk about you. The subjects always just been one that we avoid."

I snorted. "With good reason. I was such a dick. To you. To her. To everyone. I know you don't want apologies Jayce but, I really am sorry." He waved his hand through the air. "It's in the past. Now, what are we getting for food?"

I shrugged. "I don't care. I just want food and a lot of it."

"You need it." He joked.

I laughed. "I know. I'm all skin and bones dude. I'm hitting the gym tomorrow before I go into the studio again."

"I've got to film some stuff over at MTV in the morning but let me know when you're ready to hit the studio again and I'll come over." He pointed to the left turn lane so I signaled and got over, coming to a stop as I waited for the light to change.

"Sounds good."

We turned onto Sunset and discussed our food options before settling on a brewery/pub where I knew they had awesome food. Right now a giant order of pub nachos and a beer sounded good. It was time to celebrate the day anyway. I'd accomplished so much in the studio today and so much personally over the last two days that I felt like I owed it to myself.

The hostess seated us in a booth near the back and our waitress appeared at the table almost instantly. She flirted with JC shamelessly, ignoring the ring on his ring finger. When he didn't take the bait and flirt back she turned her expressive brown eyes on me, a wide smile on her face before falling away quickly. "Oh my GOD!" she shrieked. I winced, shooting a questioning look to JC. "You're JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE!" I fought to roll my eyes at her outburst. Sure it was nice to know that someone still remembered who I was but...not like that. "Hi?" I said awkwardly, and her face flushed when I acknowledged her. "Oh my God I was your biggest fan! You haven't been seen around these parts forever! Where'd you disappear to? Are you making music again? Are you and JC writing together? Are you..."

JC put a hand over his mouth and stifled his laughter as he watched me take the verbal assault of questions from the girl. None of which I planned on answering. It just wasn't any of her business. I smiled at her slightly, thanked her for being a fan and then told her what I wanted to drink. The perky attitude fell when she realized that she wasn't going to get any information out of me and she walked away heavy footed. "You just killed that girls night." JC said, finally letting loose the laughter he been holding in. I shook my head. "Was it really necessary to scream out my name like that? I've been gone for what? 4 Years almost? Definitely no need for a reaction like that." I slumped down in the seat, getting comfortable.

A few minutes later our beers were deposited onto the table by a different waitress. "You probably made the first one cry." JC commented as he brought his glass to his lips. "Hey, this day deserves a toast."

I agreed and held my glass out to him. "To...an awesome day in the studio."

"And good food."

"And good beer."

"And starting over."

"To having my best friend back." I finished, clinking the glasses together. Ok so maybe that last part was a bit lame but it was true. And when had I ever not made slightly cheesy statements like that?

I was looking over the menu in front of me, trying to decide what to get when I heard something that caused the blood in my veins to start pumping quicker. A voice over my right shoulder that sounded oddly familiar and yet strangely different than what I remembered.

JC sucked in a breath across the table from me.

"Josh, is that you?" The voice asked, right over my shoulder now. I averted my eyes from the menu, my entire being now concentrated on what was taking place in front of me. He smiled apologetically at me before he answered. "Funny running into you here."

"Likewise! I had a long day at the office and needed to get out for a drink. You here with Amber or -?"

She stopped in the middle of her question and I hissed under my breath when I cast my eyes up to the woman now standing next to the table, her surprised dark green eyes slamming into my shocked blue ones.

"Madi..."

"Sometimes we get second chances
And sometimes we never make it past the first
It really makes you wonder why some things happen when they do"

Song and Lyrics: "Second Chances" by Michelle Branch

"Justin..."

I could barely hear over the pounding of my heart in my ears. I leaned my head back against the wall behind the booth and thumped it against it. JC eyed me warily. "Talk to me." I narrowed my eyes at him. My head was spinning. This was not what I had intended to happen. She was the last person I thought I'd see out tonight. I turned my head to look at the end of the table, my eyes playing tricks on me, making me believe that she was still standing there.

She wasn't.

"Well, that went well."

He chuckled and I threw my napkin at him. "Not funny, Jayce. All I said was her name and she bolted out of here so fast my head spun." 

"It's no wonder she did. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. And then you two just...stared...at each other forever. You had more than enough time to strike up a conversation." He said, glancing down at his phone at a text message he'd just received. "What was I supposed to say? Sorry for being a dick and letting you leave but I'm ok now and I want you back? That's not really bar talk, Jayce."

He shook his head, his fingers typing away on his blackberry. "You could've just asked how she was for starters. If you can't even do that how do you expect to be able to sit down with her and apologize and try to get her back?"

My eyebrows furrowed at him. I knew that having a normal conversation with her was the first step I needed to make so that she would at least talk to me. But I had to have time to prepare for that. And tonight, I was so not prepared.

No, when I sat down to talk to Madison for the first time, I needed to have everything I wanted to say at the ready so that I wouldn't miss anything. I didn't want to miss apologizing for one thing I did wrong before she left me. And trust me; there was a lot to be sorry for. Every single heartache I caused her, every tear I made her cry, and every angry word I made her yell had to be made up. I swear to do it though; if she'll let me. Judging from her hasty exit out of here, I was starting to doubt that she'd ever give me the chance to.

*

After I got home I was still too on edge to sleep. My head was racing with a million thoughts, all centered on the woman who had made her appearance in my life tonight at dinner. Seeing her threw me for a loop. She looked amazing. Not that I thought that she'd be anything less but, I guess I had forgotten how truly beautiful she was.

But I could tell she wasn't happy. Her eyes didn't shine like they used to. Then again, I think she had been in too much shock at even seeing me out to get an accurate read on her mindset. My breath had been stolen from my lungs the minute she came into view.

The piano was calling my name, begging me to write something about what I was feeling after the encounter tonight. I resisted. If I started writing right now I would never get to sleep. And if I was going to get myself healthy again I needed my sleep.

Instead, I chose a book from the bookshelf and went and climbed into bed with it, perching my glasses on the end of my nose. I figured a book would help me clear my mind so that I could fall asleep at a decent hour instead of staying up ‘til the early morning hours.

When I read the same sentence five times over, I decided it wasn't working. The thoughts in my head were in a constant loop and I didn't foresee much being able to stop them right now. I sighed and tossed the book onto the bed next to me, my glasses following.

What time was it anyway? It was just after 9 that JC and I had left to get dinner and after Madi had shown up we'd cut the evening short. Her hasty exit had left me in a mood that was better handled if I was by myself, so we got the check and left, half our plates of food still sitting there.

JC understood. He always understood. Somehow though, he'd managed to pull me out of my mood on the drive home. I was grateful for it. I didn't want to retreat back into my head filled with all the dark thoughts that I'd been harboring the past few years. They'd only bring me down and trap me again; I didn't want that.

It was only 11:15. I supposed that I could go out again to the grocery store and stock up. Madison and I had always liked the grocery store late at night. It was always less crowded; there were never any prying eyes or needy people with cameras wanting to get a picture. And we could steal kisses without having to worry about who was photographing it and which tabloid the picture would end up in the next day.

Thank God for that because we'd gotten a little out of hand one night in the frozen foods section by the whipped cream. Just a tip, frozen whipped cream doesn't work as well as unthawed. I smiled at the memory and shook my head. We certainly were two crazy kids who had fallen crazy, madly in love with each other.

I had to wonder--given everything that we'd been through, and everything that I put her through, if we would ever be like that again. If when we got back together, if she wanted that, that is, if it would feel the same. We weren't the same two people who fell in love with each other back then; at least I wasn't. I needed to work on getting back to that.

I rolled out of bed and checked to make sure I had my cell phone and my wallet before I left to go to the grocery store. Now it was almost midnight, the place would be deserted.

*

I turned a corner and my cart bumped into someone else's cart causing a loud crashing noise to echo throughout the store.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me." I mumbled out as my eyes took in the person standing in front of me.

Seriously, what were the fucking odds? In all the years that I'd come grocery shopping here, I never once ran into someone I knew. But tonight? Ohhhh tonight God must have had it in for me. He better be getting a good fucking laugh out of this because I sure as hell am not.

"You can say that again." Mumbled the voice in front of me.

My head was racing with thoughts of what to say to her and my mouth ran with the first thing that came to mind. "Someone is trying to tell us something." Wow, really? I haven't spoken a word to her in...years...and that's the first thing that came out? I'm an idiot.

She continued to stare at me, her mouth sort of hanging open in an ‘o' shape. I needed to think of something else to say. Quick.

I peered into her cart and noticed the box of peanut butter Chips Ahoy cookies and looked up to give her a half hearted smile.

"Need milk to go with those?" I asked, immediately wanting to slam my head into a brick wall. Seriously, where the fuck was this shit coming from? I need a new brain. This one is fried.

She bit her lip, looked from her cart, to mine, back to hers then looked at me and nodded wordlessly. I turned my cart in the direction of the dairy aisle and I heard her start to follow behind me, one wheel squeaking along, only emphasizing how incredibly quiet the store was right now. It sounded like we were the only two in the place.

I heard each breath she took in, my ears trained on every sound she was making as she followed me. She sighed, inhaled again, and sighed out louder this time.

"So, it is kind of weird, right?" she finally said, the sound of her voice floating past my ears. My heart rate increased double time and I halted in the middle of the aisle, stopped in front of the shelves of milk and cheese.

I reached up and scratched at the back of my neck as I turned around to look at her again. I couldn't help it--I needed to see her, needed to burn another image of her in my head that didn't have a negative memory with it. The last time I'd seen her in person was the night she left. My insides twisted at the memory; I didn't want to go back down that path.

"What is?" I asked, reaching into the case to grab a gallon of milk for her and put it in her cart. I knew what she was pointing out but I wanted to keep her talking. She nervously tucked a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. "Thank you." She said quietly, her hands clenching and unclenching the cart's handle in front of her.

I let my eyes travel over her form. She'd changed since she left the bar, now wearing a matching pair of PINK track pants and a hoodie. The corner of my mouth tugged into a smile. How she could look just as beautiful in sweats as she did when she was dressed to the nines was one of the many things I loved about her.

And there was no question in my mind that I was still in love with her. Seeing her tonight only confirmed that feeling tenfold.

"You know, running into each other like this. Twice in one night, even. It's just...strange. I haven't seen you out at all since..." she coughed, "...everything. And now that I've finally..." she trailed off, her eyes darting up to meet mine then back down to her hands nervously. My stomach fluttered. What had she been about to say.

"Finally what?" I pressed, tossing a package of cheese into my cart. She sighed. "So, I was surprised to see you out with C. I didn't know you guys were talking again."

She was beginning to make me nervous with her sudden subject change. "If you are friends again, I think that's really great. You guys were always such good friends and I hated that you stopped..."

She was rambling and talking too fast. She only did that when she was nervous about something. What was she nervous about, other than the obvious of running into me again? I felt like there was more to it than that.

"I called him up the other day to see if he wanted to get together." I answered and she smiled slightly at me. "Well, it's great. Really, really great, J."

I arched an eyebrow. She was being weird. "You alright?" I questioned, ignoring the feeling in my gut that told me I really didn't want to know the answer to that. She shook her head back and forth, her ponytail swishing with the movement. "Just weirded out I guess. What else is on your list?" she asked, changing the subject again and plastering on a smile that I knew was fake. It didn't reach her eyes.

The nagging feeling I had that something was off with her only increased each time she evaded my questions. "I don't have a list. I just need food in my house. My cupboards and my fridge are kind of bare." I looked into my halfway filled cart to figure out what else I needed and decided I'd make my way to the pasta aisle; stock up on my carbs.

"I can tell that by looking at you. Have you been eating at all, Justin?"

My pulse quickened at the sound of my name coming from her lips. It still sounded as perfect as it had the day that I met her. I groaned at her question, though. I didn't want to have this conversation with her right now. It wasn't one I wanted to get into in the middle of a grocery store. It wasn't one that I was ready to start at all, really. Not knowing how to answer, I shrugged.

"Well please tell me that all that food in your cart is for you then and that you're going to eat it. You're too skinny." She commented then widened her eyes as I settled mine on her and gave her a smirk. "Thanks captain obvious." I quipped.

Her eyes shifted to the floor. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that...I just...just...sorry." She said quietly, hands fidgeting with the zipper on her hoodie.

"Mads, it's fine. Don't apologize, you didn't hurt my feelings. You didn't say anything that Jayce didn't already point out to me a hundred times. I realize that I've lost too much weight..."

"Don't..." she started, her green eyes meeting mine again, wetness starting to gather there.

"Don't what?" My first instinct at seeing the tears in her eyes was to hold her in my arms and make them go away, but I knew it wouldn't be right to do so I turned towards the boxes of pasta in front of me and began tossing a few into my cart.

"Don't call me that."

"What?" I wasn't sure I had heard her right.

"Don't call me that."

My heart dropped into my stomach. She didn't really mean that. I was the only one ever allowed to call her that. "Why not?" I asked quietly setting the jars of pasta down. Madison shook her head. "It's too...comfortable, too familiar. You...you're not allowed to call me that anymore." She whispered out, a tear slipping down her cheek. Instinct finally kicked in and I reached out to wipe the wetness from under her eye with my thumb and she swatted at my hand angrily.

"Dammit!" she growled out, surprising me at the anger in her tone. "You're not supposed to have this affect on me anymore. I'm not supposed to feel this way."

I looked on helplessly, completely unsure of what to do or what to say to her. I didn't want to do or say anything to upset her more. The last thing I wanted to do was cause her to cry again. She looked up at me, another tear escaping, her bottom lip quivering. "Why now? Why do you have to come back in my life now? When I've finally moved on? When I've finally gotten over you? Why couldn't you have just stayed gone, huh?"

If my heart was in my stomach before--now it was on the ground, shattered into pieces at her words. "I..."

I tried to respond at least fifty different times but every time I opened my mouth to say something the words wouldn't come out. I was speechless. My head was still reeling from what she'd said, her words swirling in my head, echoing in my ears. "Moved on." "Over you." "Stayed gone."

By the time I figured out what to say, I had gone from being hurt to being angry. "What do you want me to say, Madison? I'm sorry? Fuck...it's not like I planned on bumping into you tonight. You're the last person I wanted to see tonight."

She gasped and I quickly realized my error. "Shit. That's not what I meant. I meant that..."

The squeaky wheel on her cart came to life again as she circled the cart and began to stalk away from me angrily down the aisle towards the front of the store. I pushed mine quickly behind her to catch up. She stopped in a checkout lane and I pushed my cart in behind her, not even bothering to figure out if I'd gotten everything I needed. If I had forgotten anything, I could come back. This argument she and I were having was way more important than food.

I reached out to grasp her forearm lightly in my hand and turned her to me. Her normally light green eyes were now the color of a jade stone, looking up at me angrily. "Madison, that's not how it was supposed to come out. I just meant that...I wasn't ready to see you yet. I wanted to have my shit straight before I did." I explained quickly and quietly, knowing full well that our exchange in the aisle a bit ago had gained us the attention of some of the shoppers and employees.

"So I'm sorry that it came out the wrong way. But please don't think that I would ever not want to see you. You were my heart, Madi. Still are."

Her gaze softened and she squeezed her eyelids shut tight. When a tear escaped I swiped it with my thumb. At the touch, her eyes fluttered open to look at me again, stopping my heart in my chest. Her brow furrowed. "Justin, I..." she began but was interrupted by the cashier telling her to unload her cart. I helped her put everything onto the moving belt and then began putting all of my stuff on, waiting for her to continue.

She didn't until we were both checked out and were heading for the exit. We stood under the canopy in silence, me waiting with bated breath for her next words. When she didn't continue with whatever she had been thinking in the store, I talked. "Madison, can we get together for dinner or lunch this weekend? There is a lot that I need to talk to you about but this isn't the right setting for it."

I didn't know if I'd be ready by the weekend to have this talk with her but I was quickly realizing that if I didn't do it soon, I might lose the chance altogether. She pulled her lip between her teeth. "There's...something I need to tell you." She mumbled, rolling her car keys back and forth between her hands. I urged her to continue with my eyes. "I...shit. I don't know how to say this."

Uh-oh. This couldn't be good. Suddenly, I was wishing that I could wake up and do the whole day over. If I could, I would've stayed holed up in my house all day and sat at the piano and wrote. I wouldn't have set foot outside of my house. If I needed food there was takeout, that's what it was invented for right?

God, if you're listening, I need a do over of today, alright? Make the last 18 hours rewind so that I don't have to be standing here right now, heart about to beat out of my chest as I wait for whatever this is that she needs to tell me. I know I'm not prepared for it so, if you could please just...make today disappear I'd be forever grateful.

She wouldn't meet my eyes, just stared at the crack in the cement.

I took in a shaky breath.

She let out a deep sigh.

And then. "I'm seeing someone, Justin."

"You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go.

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head.

Is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur.

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door"

Song: "You Could Be Happy" -Snow Patrol

I felt like my whole world was about to spiral out of control with those four words. They were the last thing I had been expecting to hear her say.

My legs felt weak-like they were going to give way from under me at any moment. And the air that I was breathing in was heavy and I felt like I was being suffocated with each intake.

There was no way she was serious. But all the signs that she was were showing on her face. Worry lines were etched across her forehead as she looked at me, waiting for my reaction.

I wasn't sure I had one. My head was blank and I was speechless. In my quest to get myself back on track I'd never once considered the possibility that she'd moved on to someone else. It was impossible for me to fathom since she was the only woman I could see. I was blind to everyone else. The minute that she'd come into my life I knew that there was no one else out there for me but her. I only assumed that she felt the same.

Guess I was wrong.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other.

She still stood there staring at me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"J...say something?" she pleaded, her voice thick with emotion.

I looked up and met her eyes, tears in them again.

"Is it serious?"

She bit her lip then shrugged, only making me more frustrated. What was a shrug supposed to tell me?

"How long?"

Her eyes shifted nervously. "A few months." She replied, wrapping her arms around her middle tightly.

"So, then it is serious."

Another shrug. "As serious as you can be in two months."

"Well, I knew I wanted to marry you after the first date, so..."

Her eyes widened at me and she stuttered. "Well it's not...we're not...he's...we're taking things slow." She finally got out.

I nodded, words still failing me.

My heart rate felt like it had topped out at a million beats per minute and I wasn't sure how much longer I was going to be able to stand here and talk to her.

"That's...great. I...I'm happy for you." I finally mumbled out awkwardly.

She shook her head. "Why do I feel like you don't really mean that?" she questioned.

"Why wouldn't I want you to be happy?" I countered. The thought was ludicrous. Sure I was upset that she was seeing someone; that was only because I wanted her to be with me. But I never wished for her to be unhappy.

With a sigh, she said "nevermind"; her eyes darted to the parking lot and then back to me. And I froze when I saw headlights pull up next to the curb.

"Relax." She told me. "It's just Danielle. My car's in the shop so she's been driving me around. Skylar's out of town for a few days."

I grimaced at the mention of what I assumed to be her new boyfriend's name. Whose name was Skylar anyway? It was such a dumb name.

Yeah I know, I'm being stupid. You're allowed to be when you find out that the woman you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with has moved on to a guy with a name like Skylar. The name alone had me picturing some douche-y, fraternity looking, surfer dude. Not her type at all.

And I don't know why she felt that telling me Danielle was the one picking her up was any better. Madi and Danielle had become best friends shortly after Madi and I got together and she had taken an instant dislike towards me. We never got along and I could never figure out what I'd done to make her hate me.

Whatever, she didn't matter anymore. Water under the bridge and all that shit.

The instant that the trunk popped open on Danielle's SUV, Madison's attitude changed and she slapped on her fake smile.

"Dani!" she called out, "look who I ran into!" she said with mock enthusiasm.

Danielle's eyes travelled over me slowly and when they met mine she rolled her eyes. "Hello, Justin." She said curtly. "Nice to see that you dragged yourself out of hiding. Did you finally decide to stop wallowing in self pity that your once perfect life had fallen apart and come out into the real world again?"

I smirked at her and was ready with a comeback but Madison, ever the peacemaker between us, intervened before I could. "Help me with my bags." She ordered, grabbing my arm and dragging me over to her cart.

Danielle smiled in triumph and I had to bite back the sarcastic remark that I had about her still riding the coattails of Madison's name.

I shuffled my feet slowly along behind her to the back of the SUV. "Not now." Madi bit out under her breath.

"So, have you written anything new?" she asked, trying to make light conversation. "Actually, yeah. I laid down some stuff in the studio with C earlier today." I told her.

The bag that she had in her hand almost slipped from her grasp. From the look on her face, I don't think she was expecting me to say that. She was looking at me with that deer-in-the-headlights look.

"Oh! Well...wow. That's wonderful! I'm sure it's excellent! Is it going to be solo or...are you getting back with the guys? Are you going to put out a record? Go on tour?"

I had to laugh at her enthusiasm. Her excitement at hearing me say that I was writing again seemed genuine. Especially since words were spewing out of her mouth faster than she could really think them.

I reached under the cart to grab her case of diet coke and put it into the trunk before I answered.

"For the moment...just solo. I'm hoping to put out a record but I've got to talk to Johnny. As far as touring, I guess we'll have to see how everything else goes first."

She beamed a bright, real smile up at me and for a moment it was easy to forget the conversation that had just taken place a few moments ago. Our hands touched when we both reached for the same bag in the cart and she pulled hers back quickly.

The moment was over.

"That's great to hear, Justin. Honestly."

One side of my mouth pulled up to smile at her weakly. "I needed to get back into it." I told her, placing the last of her groceries in the back, and wheeling the cart back up underneath the overhang.

I turned and she was staring at me, and I held her gaze for a moment, trying to figure out what was going on behind her eyes, and then her phone rang. I scratched at the back of my neck and then reached for my own cart, starting to push it in the direction of my car. "J, hold up." She called out and I stopped and spun, waiting for her to continue.

Her phone was pressed to her ear and she was grinning ear to ear, the same smile that she used to give me. My heart sunk and all of a sudden the feelings of hurt that I'd felt talking to her before came bubbling up to the surface.

She giggled and twirled a piece of hair around her finger and I felt my blood run cold. What the fuck was going on? Had she suddenly forgotten that I was still standing there?

I coughed to get her attention and her head snapped towards me, a look of guilt in her eyes.

Yeah, she should feel guilty. She was basically flirting with...ugh...Skylar...when her ex-fiancé was standing just feet away. I gritted my teeth, trying to push down the anger that felt like it was about to consume me.

"Hey-sorry to interrupt but, can I call you when I get home? I'm with Danielle at the moment."

The boyfriend didn't seem to mind because she ended the call seconds later with a "love you too."

When her eyes met mine and she saw the anger that was just buzzing beneath the surface she realized her slip up. Her eyes got huge and she laughed nervously. "Sorry about that, I..." she began.

"Forget about it. I don't even want to hear it." I growled out, turning on my heel and all but ran with my cart to my car. She called out to me twice to stop but I didn't acknowledge it. I quickly threw all of my groceries into the backseat and hopped into the car, throwing it in reverse without even looking behind me to see if it was safe to do so.

Luckily, with the hour being what it was, the parking lot was fairly deserted.

As I waited at the light to turn left out of the parking lot I tried to get my heart rate under control. My blood was boiling, my heartbeat thundering in my ears, my pulse beating against my throat.

Had she really said she loved him?

Fuck.  She had lied when she said things weren't serious. I knew her. She wasn't the type of girl to fall for someone that quickly. While she had a heart of gold and was quick to let people in, she didn't admit to loving someone easily. It had been like pulling teeth to get her to tell me even though we both knew that she felt it.

Fuck. Fuck. "FUCK!" I yelled out, pounding my fist against the dashboard so hard that I felt the skin break on my knuckles.

By now I was seething with anger, so upset that I could barely see straight.

I was mad at her for moving on. I was mad at myself for being dumb enough to think that she'd wait for me. And now that I thought about it, I was mad at my mom and JC too.

Hadn't my mom just told me that when she talked to Madison, Madison said she missed me and that she didn't sound happy? What the fuck. Why was my mom lying to me? To make me feel better?

And what about JC? Why the hell hadn't he mentioned anything to me, either?

He'd had plenty of opportunities to talk to me about it. And the conversation we'd had earlier in the car about how I was going to get her back would've been a great time for him to open his fucking mouth.

I was seeing red by the time I pulled into my driveway and forgot about the groceries that were in my car.

I stormed into the house, not bothering to turn any lights on, and threw my keys angrily onto the counter. I paced the kitchen, trying to get a hold of myself and even out my breathing.

But nothing was working. The longer I paced, the more furious I got. I stalked into the living room, my eyes zeroing in on the sheets of music that were strewn about the coffee table and on the couch. I picked up a couch cushion and threw it against the wall, the papers flying everywhere. And with the slightest jerk I upended the coffee table, the pencils and songbooks floating in the air; the glass centerpiece shattering as soon as it hit the floor.

My chest tightened as I looked around at what I'd done. My vision was still blurry and my hands were shaking with the fury that was coursing through my blood. I looked towards my beautiful baby grand piano, the moonlight hitting the opened top just right, making it almost glow in the dark.

My stomach twisted painfully and before I could even try to talk myself out of what I was doing, I'd picked up piano bench and threw it against the wall. The wood splintered on impact and I watched as it hit the ground, another shattering sound quickly following.

I walked over to examine what had fallen off the wall and my throat constricted when I saw what it was.

Tears filled my eyes and I didn't have time to try and blink them back. They spilled down my cheeks as I picked up the picture and held it in my hands. An engagement photo of Madison and me.

If there was anything to bring me out of the rage induced haze I was in, that was it.

I slid down the wall and let the tears continue to fall, silent sobs wracking my body. This was not how things were supposed to be going.

*

Sometime later, after I'd cried out all I could, I heard the faint noise of someone knocking at my door.

With a confused look around, I stood up, trying my best to avoid stepping in the broken glass that littered the floor next to me.

When I didn't answer right away, the knocking got louder.

I looked around the room and shook my head sadly at the destruction I'd caused. Maybe I did need to go and talk to someone. This need I had to destroy things whenever I couldn't handle my anger was a problem that I needed to get under control.

I peeped through the hole in the door and was shocked to see Madison standing there. I heaved a sigh, hoping against all hope that she wouldn't want to come in any further than the foyer. I didn't want her to see what I'd done. I was ashamed of it.

Pulling the door open, I tried my best to put on a happy face.

"Madison! What are you doing here?" I asked, stepping aside to let her in.

"I feel like I owe you an explanation, J." she said, not waiting to be invited into the house any further and heading straight for the warzone that my living room had become. She surveyed the place, turned to me with a shocked look in her eyes and then collapsed onto the couch.

If she had anything to say about what she saw, she was holding it.

She continued to sit there and stare at me wordlessly. It was making me uncomfortable.

I crossed my arms over my chest, arched an eyebrow and waited for her to continue.

It felt like minutes had gone since she'd said anything. "So explain." I prompted.

"Don't be like that. Please?" she begged, standing up from the couch so that we were on a (somewhat) even level.

"Like what? Upset? How can I not be upset that you're seeing someone?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm. The last thing I wanted was to retreat back into the state of mind that I'd been in when I got home. It was a scary place and not something that I wanted her to be a witness of.

"You gave up the right to be upset when you let me walk out that door, Justin!" she stated, the tone of her voice rising as she gave into her feelings.

"You shouldn't have walked out in the first place." I argued.

"Why not? Give me one good reason I had to stay with you? You weren't the same person anymore, and I wasn't either. What you pulled yourself into dragged me down too and I had to get out before I drowned with you."

"But you promised that you'd love me forever."

"I loved the man that I fell in love with in the bar. And at dinner on our first date. But what you had become" she paused, "...I told you that if the man you used to be showed up...if you could show me him again, I swore that I'd come running back."

"Well I'm here. And you're running in the opposite direction."

She shook her head sadly. "No you're not." She reached out a hand and stroked my cheek gently, her eyes searching mine. "I can tell that you want that man to come back, and for your sake, I really hope that you do find him again."

I closed my eyes against her touch. "Mads..." My heart was breaking. Only this time I could actually feel it happening. Before, I was just numb. And angry.

"I wish you all the success and happiness in the world, Justin. Please know that. I'm so proud of you for wanting to get back out there. Music always was your first love. You're going to be amazing and you're going to revel in every minute of it."

"But I don't want to do it without you." I whispered.

She hung her head. "I didn't want to live without you either but I had to figure out a way to let you go. I fought to keep us together for so long..." she said, her voice tight with emotion; a tear trickled down her cheek before it dropped from her chin onto the ground between us. "...but I couldn't do it anymore. You didn't seem to want me anymore. All you ever did was blame me for everything that had gone wrong in your life. And I was tired. I was so completely emotionally and physically exhausted from it that the only solution I could see was to leave you to sort things out yourself.

I prayed that you'd come after me. That you'd wake up to what you were doing. But you didn't. You didn't come after me, Justin! You didn't fight! So you tell me what I was supposed to do! Sit at home and wait? And hope that one day you'd snap out of it and realize what you'd lost?" She put her hands over her face for a moment before running them through her hair and taking a deep breath, seemingly collecting herself.

When she chuckled to herself it caught me off guard.

"I'll admit--I did wait around for you. I waited TWO YEARS for you to figure things out! And when it didn't happen I had to accept the fact that I'd lost you to your depression and your anger. I had to move on and figure out how to live my life without you in it. For real this time. I had to push away all thoughts of you ever coming back and push myself to get back to being the me I was when you and I first met. All the pieces aren't back, and I know that there's one that you'll always hold on to, but I'm getting there. I'm finally happy. And after I lost you, I wasn't sure I ever could be again."

I wasn't sure what I could say after all that, that would make any of the pain I'd caused her to go away.

I opened my mouth to say...something, anything...but no sound came out and she just stood there with her arms wrapped around herself, silent tears falling from her beautiful green eyes. Now my heart was not only breaking for me, but for her as well.

And it hurt like hell.

Maybe there was something to being numb.

"Mads, I..." I began, still unsure of what to say. Her eyes met mine for a brief instant before she dropped her gaze back down to the floor.

With a deep breath, I decided to just say what was on my heart.

"I'm sorry. For everything. For every tear I've caused you to cry from those beautiful eyes of yours. For breaking your heart. For blaming you for my mistakes. For not fighting with you for us. For letting you leave. For not coming after you. For making you waste two years of your life waiting for me. And for not being the man that promised he'd always cherish your heart and protect you from the bad stuff that life threw at you...for turning into the thing that caused you pain.

And I know that these are just words; and that my apology doesn't even come close to making up for everything that I've done. But I want you to know that I mean them from the bottom of my heart. You've got such an amazing heart, Mads, and the guy that is lucky enough to hold it better know what a precious thing it is to have. You deserve to be happy; that smile of yours is too gorgeous not to let show."

There was an awkward silence for a few moments before she whispered, "thank you." She sniffled, coming towards me and wrapping her arms around my waist. I tucked her head under my chin and secured my arms around her shoulders, holding her tight. I felt her tears soak through my t-shirt and I drew in a shaky breath as I released the ones I'd been holding in. We stood there in the living room, holding onto each other, both shedding silent tears.

When she started to pull away I held her tighter to me and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "You'll always have my heart, Mads."

She nodded and squeezed me around the waist with her arms before moving away slowly, barely able to look me in the eyes.

She picked her purse up off the table in the foyer, one hand poised over the knob to leave, before she turned around to give me a weak smile.

And then she was gone.

She could be happy but, I had to figure out a way to be happy without her.

"Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and your best look

You're praying that you make it...

Well all I need is the air I breathe

And a place to rest my head..."

Song & Lyrics: "Say"-One Republic Brown, Andrew; Kutzle, Brent; Filkins, Zack; Fisher, Eddie; Tedder, Ryan

I couldn't sleep.

Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was her and the tears that I'd caused her to cry again.

It was taking the already broken pieces of my heart and shattering them into even smaller bits.

I tried to take a hot shower, hoping the steam would make me drowsy; it didn't.

I tried to put lyrics down on paper to get out the feelings I was experiencing; they were shit. They didn't even come close to capturing what was really going through my head, just a mass of jumbled words that didn't make sense.

I thought about cleaning up the mess I'd made downstairs but couldn't bring myself to face that it had actually happened; that I'd actually gotten angry enough to destroy things in my living room. Angry enough to break the piano bench.

With that thought I punched the pillow next to me. Repeatedly. It was giving me a way to release some of my anger without further destroying the rest of the belongings in my house. Where was it when I needed it earlier?

My fist slammed into it one last time and the fabric of the pillow tore apart, down feathers bursting out and coating my bed in them.

Fucking great.

I sat and stared at them angrily, hoping that they'd somehow get the idea and clean themselves off of my bed. They didn't.

The idea of seeing a shrink crept back into my head again, because it was becoming painfully clear to me that I was no longer in control of myself. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Plus, if I did that, maybe the doc would give me something to help with my mood. After tonight, I could safely say that I was in desperate need of some anti-depressants.

But did I really need a doctor to give them to me? This was LA, I'm sure with a little extra money waved in front of someone's face they'd give it to me without a prescription.

I shook my head. What the fuck was my life coming to that I was entertaining thoughts like this.

With one last look at the feathers strewn about my bed, I grabbed the pillow that was still intact and left the room, shuffling slowly down the hall and into one of the other three unoccupied bedrooms I had.

I cursed when I realized that I'd have to put sheets on the bed. No one had slept in any of my guest bedrooms in forever. I grabbed sheets out of the linen closet and trudged back into the room, dropping them onto the bed with a huff.

Screw making the bed up. I can just sleep on top of the comforter. I'm too exhausted right now to go through the motions.

I crawled in and laid back, my arms curled behind my head. I was uncomfortable. The weight I felt on my chest as I thought back over the events of the night seemed to press me further into the bed making it hard to breathe.

I swallowed harshly over the lump in my throat and willed myself to drag in a deep breath. I panicked when my lungs didn't want to aid me in getting my heart rate under control. The last thing I needed to have tonight was a panic attack.

But it was coming.

My thoughts grew hazy, my eyes blurring the image of the ceiling fan spinning above me into nothing more than a streak of black going round and round in circles. I tried to follow the oscillations but the only thing that was proving to do was make me go dizzy.

Concentrating on evening out my breathing pattern was proving to be even more impossible. The room spun as I sucked in another breath, gasping and choking when the next didn't come easily. I felt like my heart was about to ricochet out of my chest and I reached down and tore at the white tank I was wearing in an effort to remove any of the pressure I felt bearing down on me. The tank was soaked with my sweat and when I ran my hands up over my neck and face I felt the wetness from tears that I didn't even know I had been crying.

My throat closed up as I dragged in another breath and then everything was black.

*

To say I was sore when I woke up the next morning was an understatement. Every single muscle was protesting my stretching and I wobbled on my feet a bit when I stood up from the bed.

Fuck I hated panic attacks. And the one last night had been an epic one.

I knew I was going to be utterly useless today. No gym for me.

When I got downstairs and saw the mess still there I growled and moved past it into the kitchen, searching for something to eat.

What time was it anyway?

A quick look at the clock told me it was almost 2pm. Jayce would be showing up here soon. I didn't want to see him. Fucking traitor. What kind of best friend doesn't tell you when the love of your life is involved with someone else?

Opening my fridge I had the realization that I'd left all of my groceries in my trunk last night. With all the frozen and refrigerated stuff.

Shit. This day was getting better and better.

Venturing out into the garage I retrieved the bags and began to unload them when I got back inside. Well, at least the dry goods were salvageable but that still left me with spoiled milk and cheese and meat. Awesome.

I'd have to make another trip to the grocery store. But not today. My body was screaming at me with every step I took. And I could only imagine how hoarse I was. No use recording today.

Searching the house for my cell, I decided that I'd just text JC and tell him that I didn't need him today.

I walked back out into the living room and surveyed the damage and took to finding a broom so I could at least clean up the broken pieces of glass on the floor.

My phone went off minutes later with a text from JC informing me that he was pulling into my driveway.

So much for not having to see him today. I was mad at him. And embarrassed that he was going to see my place in the state that it was.

When he knocked on my door, I realized that I didn't have a choice. Besides, he'd seen me in worse shape than I was now.

I relaxed the set of my jaw and opened the door to let him in.

"Hey." I said gruffly.

"What's up?" he asked with a smile, his eyes crinkling.

"Nothing. Didn't know you were coming." I told him, closing and locking the door behind him.

"Guess I shoulda called beforehand. Sorry." I waved him off and headed into the living room. I heard his footsteps behind me as he followed me further into the house and turned to face him when they stopped.

"Do I even want to know what happened in here, J?" he asked me, his eyebrows knitted together in worry.

I really hadn't gotten things cleaned up. I'd managed to sweep up all the glass into a pile out of the way of where I usually walked. And I'd propped the broken pieces of wood from the piano bench against the wall. But the sheet music was still strewn about the entire room, the coffee table still on its side.

I shook my head. "No."     

With another look around the room and a sigh, he turned back to me. "Well, are you ready to go record?"

"Not until you explain to me why you decided to leave out the small bit of information that Madi was involved with someone." I said accusingly, wincing at the hoarse sound of my voice. Last night's panic attack had really done a number on me.

He shuffled his feet nervously, avoiding my eyes. "Well..." he began, scratching at his neck. "I uh...I knew that she had just started seeing someone." He confessed.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Get out." I growled.

"Justin..."

"I'm serious. Get the fuck out of my house." I warned.        

JC stood his ground. "No. I'm not letting you get pissed off at me again and stop talking to me. And I'm not going to leave and let you sink back into your hole. What kind of friend would I be if I let you do that?"

"The kind of friend who didn't tell his best friend that the girl he loved was in love with someone else."

JC's face fell. "Honestly, I didn't know that it was serious. If I had known, you know I would've told you. But I really thought that she would've dropped him in an instant for you. She had been so miserable without you."

"Jayce, seriously. I can't deal with this right now. Just...get out. I'll call you later. I'm in no shape to record today anyway."

He sighed. "Justin, you shouldn't be..."

"I'm fine. I just need some time to cool off and clear my head. Promise I'll give you a call once I do."

"I'm just worried about you."

I felt the corner of my lip tug upwards into a smile. Even though he had failed to mention anything to me about Madison and the other guy, I couldn't hate him for showing how much he really did care.

"Jayce...I appreciate the concern but..."

He gave me a broken smile before turning on his heel to head towards the door.

"Well, I guess I'll uhh, talk to you later, then?" he said, absently scratching across his stomach.

I nodded, following him out. "Sorry you came here for nothing." I called out when he was out on my stoop.

"No big. You need me to drop you any food?" he questioned.

"No, but thanks for the offer. I'm going to head to the grocery store here in a few I think. Call you later, dude."

He waved and walked to his car, honking the horn at me as he backed out.

When I closed the door after he left I let out a huge sigh of relief and slumped against it. I was exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally...I just needed to shut down for a few days.

*

Days went by.

Don't ask how many cause I lost track after seeing the sun rise three mornings in a row.

Sleep was coming. But in short intervals. And it was always restless. And I was always dreaming of Madison. Or I was seeing what my living room had looked like after I destroyed it. Or I was dreaming in third person, viewing my life as if I was looking at it from up above, merely a spectator. Sometimes it was real life stuff, sometimes scenarios that my mind liked to conjure up to tease me about what my life could've been like if I had stopped Madison from leaving me.

I liked those dreams. They were the ones I never wanted to wake up from. Those dreams were all sunshine and bright lights and happiness. Waking up from them only caused my moods to be worse than what I had come to expect on a normal day.

I blinked my eyes and oriented myself. This time I had fallen asleep on the couch in the movie room. Rarely did I ever sleep in my own bed. The feathers were still there. And I was still thinking that they'd magically disappear. I knew they wouldn't...it was just easier to pretend.

With a stretch, I got up off of the couch and went into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of milk and a slice of leftover pizza before heading over to the piano. I sunk down onto the (new) piano bench, (I had one delivered a few days ago), and looked around at the mess of papers sitting in front of me, trying to make sense of what I had been doing before I took a break a few hours earlier. I was getting a lot of song writing done from all of this. I guess that was a positive. The only positive really.

If this record ever got put out, it was going to be the most personal one yet, that was for sure.

Reading over the lyrics in front of me, I shuddered at the idea of sharing all of this with the world.

Maybe I should just keep some of it for me.

I had made the decision that I'd see if I could work things out on my own before I resorted to having to depend on drugs to keep my mind stable. Writing and singing or screaming out my aggression and depression was my personal form of therapy at the moment.

So far so good, I'd say. I hadn't broken anything or thrown anything or punched anything since the pillow that first night.

JC had been calling nonstop after I'd thrown him out that day.

My mom had been calling nonstop.

Finally I had gotten so tired of the phone calls that I took my house phone off the hook and shut my cell phone off.

I'm pretty sure that either JC or my mom is going to show up at the house soon thinking that I'm dead.

I might as well be. It has to be better than this pain that I'm feeling right now; this constant 500 ton weight that's crushing my chest. And it may sound weird but...I'm grateful that I can feel it this time. No matter how much it hurts.

With a heavy sigh I propped my arms on top of the piano and dropped my head against them, trying to clear my head. Focusing was hard today. The dreams I'd had last night felt way too real and when I woke up the longing and loneliness I felt weighed me down more so than usual. I was fighting myself to just go back to sleep, hoping to slip back into the unconscious state I'd been in and return to my dreams.

I didn't even want to move. My body was achy from the workouts I'd been doing the past few days, and from pushing it way past its limit. If I didn't move though, my back was going to be in more pain than the rest of my body.

Pushing back from the piano, I stood and went to the couch, dropping down onto it heavily. The second I was in a comfortable position, I was out.

*

The chiming of my doorbell startled me out of the trance I was in and I waited until it rang again to move. I sauntered to the door and threw it open casually, a light smile tugging on my lips when it opened and revealed who was standing behind it.

"Well hey." She greeted softly, a grin spread across her face.

"Hey yourself. What are you doing here?" I questioned, stepping aside to let her in. She bent to pick up the paper sack beside her and came inside. "Well, I figured that you probably didn't have much food in your place since you just got back from tour so, I come bearing gifts!" she beamed.

I tugged on the hand that was free and pulled her into the kitchen and helped her drop the bag onto the counter.

"You're present enough." I told her, planting a kiss on her forehead. When I pulled away she stretched up on her tiptoes to peck my lips. I licked them after, tasting the vanilla flavored lip gloss that she always wore.

"Cute." She responded, digging into the paper bag. "But you need to eat."

"Can't I just eat you?" I asked playfully, tugging on her ponytail. She glanced over her shoulder at me and winked. "Maybe later, superstar."

I groaned. "Ok, so what'd you bring me?" I asked, peering into the bag. She shrugged. "Enough for dinner tonight and breakfast in the morning. I figured we could go to the store tomorrow and buy you real food but, this will tide you over ‘til then."

She unloaded the bag, placing a package of steaks onto the counter first, followed by fixings for a salad, and potatoes. The milk and box of apple jacks she set out next made me smile even bigger. This girl knew me way too well and we'd only been dating a short time. "I figured you had wine here so I didn't bother to buy any."

"Dessert?" I questioned with an eyebrow raise. With a saucy grin, she dumped a bag of peaches out of the bag. "I know you've got your grandma's recipe for peach cobbler around here somewhere."

All I could do was stare at her in amazement. "You're outta this world, Madi."

"Except I'm not green, right?" she interjected.

I scrunched my nose up at her and glared. "Har har. I'm never gonna live that lyric down, am I?" I questioned, tickling her sides. In turn, she poked me in the stomach. "I think it's cute. I like your cheesy side."

I smiled down at her, locking my arms around her waist. "Good thing or we'd never work out. Now, if you're serious, let me see if I can track down that recipe. You musta known that I had a craving for that the other day."

"You mentioned it a while back that you hadn't had it in a while. It may not come out just like granny's but...I figure it's worth a shot." She spun out of my arms and began rummaging around in the kitchen to get dinner started.

I leaned against the counter and just observed her as she went to work, making herself at home in my kitchen. It wasn't the first time that she'd done it. And I hoped it wouldn't be the last. "Hey, I could grill those steaks outside, if you want." I spoke up, retrieving a steak rub from the pantry. She looked up at me from the cutting board in front of her and smiled, her eyes sparkling.

My heart felt like it was going to beat out of its cavity. "That'd be great. You sure you're not too tired. You could just pour yourself a glass of wine and relax. I don't mind."

I returned her smile and bumped my hip against hers. "No problem. I'll go get the grill heated up."

Later that night as we were enjoying our second bottle of wine, lazing on the couch with her tucked up against my side, I decided that if every night of my life was like this, I would be insanely happy.

*

I awoke with a start and jolted up from my position on the couch, looking around and realizing that the sun was setting.

Another wasted day. And another dream that felt entirely too real. Only that dream had been real once upon a time. And the last thought that had gone through my mind before I woke up about being insanely happy with just a normal life made me mad.

What had changed between that night and when I had decided that I wasn't happy with being normal? If I could figure that out, maybe I could figure out how to change things.

But first things first. I needed to get out of LA. And away from everything that reminded me Madison and the past. I needed to hideaway somewhere that wasn't LA.

I jumped up from the couch and went in search of my laptop, logging on and booking the first flight out of LA that I could. I needed to make a phone call before I packed though.

I went into my room and sat on the edge of the bed, ignoring the feathers that were still there.

She picked up on the first ring.

"Hey mom." I said quietly.

"JUSTIN!" she said loudly, and I winced at the sound and pulled the phone away from my ear.

"I'm coming home for a bit. Is that ok?" I asked, my head hanging down as I sat hunched over on the bed.

"I'm so glad that you called! I was so worried about you! I haven't heard from you in almost two weeks! And I spoke with JC a few days ago-"

"Mom..."

"-and he said he hasn't heard from you since last Wednesday!"

Shit. Had it really been that long?

"I know. Just dealing with some stuff. Is it ok if I come home for a bit?" I asked.

 "Of course it is! Why would you even have to ask that?" she said excitedly. I hadn't seen her in forever and a trip home to Memphis was about as far from LA as I could get.

"I just...wanted to be sure. I need to hide away for a while." I told her.

"But honey, that's what you've been doing for the past three years. What happened?" she questioned worriedly.

"I don't want to talk about it right now. I'll fill you in as much as I can when I get there. I need to get out of LA and hide away. I can't be here right now." I replied, getting up off the bed and going into the closet to retrieve my luggage so that I could begin packing. My plane was taking off in 4 hours.

"Well you just let me know when you're coming baby and I'll make sure that I clear my schedule."

"Better do it now. I'm hopping on a flight out tonight." I said, grabbing a few pairs of my WR jeans and tossing them into my bag.

"That soon? Justin, you're worrying me. Are you sure everything is ok?"

"No." I said with a sigh, staring down at the floor, memorizing the swirls in the hard wood panels.

"Is it your music?" she asked.

"No. My music is fine. I'm definitely not lacking inspiration right now." I scoffed.

"You and JC get in a fight?"

"We're good." For the most part. But she didn't need to know that. One less thing for her to question me about right now.

"Well then what-oh. Did you try to talk to Madison?" Suddenly coming to the realization of my problem.

"Mom, seriously. I don't want to talk about this right now. My state of mind isn't the greatest at the moment and I'd rather get on the plane with a clear head then in an angry haze."

She sighed. "Alright. Promise we'll talk when you get here, though? I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

Throwing a few pairs of socks and undershirts into the bag, I went over what else I needed to pack.

"Yeah mom. I promise. I'm gonna finish packing. My flight gets in at 12:35. You think you can pick me up?" I ventured into the bathroom and started to pack up my bath stuff before realizing that I had most of that stuff at my mom's house already.

"Sure. Just call me when you push back there. Try to relax baby. I'll see you soon! I love you."

"Love you too." I replied, shutting off the phone.

I finished packing up my clothes and went downstairs to gather up my music and my laptop, packing them into my carryon. My stomach growled at me but I could get something at the airport after I got checked in.

With one last glance around the house and a quick check that I had everything I needed, I set the alarm for the house and loaded my stuff into the car.

As I backed out of the driveway I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding and instantly felt some of the pressure relieved from my chest.

Maybe all it was going to take for me to get better was a change of scenery and pace. I could only hope.

"Wish I could take back letting you go
If I knew then what I know now
I wouldn't have said I don't need you around
Alone in this mess, silence is so loud
So I would treat you the best
Baby, if I knew then what I know now"

Song: "If I Knew Then" -Backstreet Boys
Lyrics: Karlin, Kenneth; Kelly, Claude; Schack, Carsten

Tap. Tap. Tap.

No. I'm not ready to wake up.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

We can't possibly be in Memphis already.

TAP. TAP. TAP.

The finger poking me became increasingly harder against my shoulder.

"Sir, I'm sorry to wake you but...we've arrived at the gate."

My eyelids fluttered open and in my sleep filled haze I struggled to focus on the flight attendant in front of me. "Have we been here long?" I asked quietly, glancing around to notice that the majority of the passengers had all departed.

She smiled gently at me, opening the overhead bin to retrieve the coat and carry-on bag that I'd put up there when I got on the plane. "You looked like you needed the sleep so I figured I'd wait ‘til mostly everyone had deplaned."

I stretched and unbuckled my seatbelt, returning the smile. "How'd you know?" I questioned. She turned to another bin to check that everything had been picked up. "It's my job to observe the passengers and try to read their needs. You looked worn out so I gave you extra shut-eye time." She replied. 

Standing up as straight as I could (read: barely), I reached for my coat and bag and stepped into the aisle. "Well, I appreciate it. You have no idea how much I needed it. Thank you." She spun on her heel gracefully, the smile still on her face. Was she smiling because she was happy and being nice or was she just smiling because it was part of the job, I wondered. "You're quite welcome, Mr. Timberlake."

I guess I looked shocked that she had called me by name because she winked at me before continuing on. "Please tell me if I'm crossing a line in saying this--I wish you hadn't stopped making music. Your albums got me through some of my toughest times. They still do."

I felt my heart swell in my chest. What do you know? Someone out there still cared about my music. Someone who wasn't directly related to me or hadn't known me for years. A stranger. Her telling me that my music mattered, still, to her, gave me hope that maybe I was doing the right thing in going back into the studio and recording music.

I grinned at her and she faltered slightly at seeing it directed her way. The Timberlake 1000-watt smile still worked. "Thank you. How'd you know that's what I needed to hear right now?"

"I told you-it's my job to read people."

I hiked my duffel higher up on my shoulder and followed behind her as we walked towards the front of the plane. "Well regardless, you have just improved my mood considerably. Which needed to happen. And, if you can keep a secret, I'll let you in on a good one." She leaned against the cockpit door casually and nodded ‘yes' at me. "You promise?"

"Absolutely."

"I may or may not be recording again. And there may or may not be a new album coming out." I let on with another one of my big, toothy smiles.

"Well! That's fantastic news. I know of quite a few people who will be excited to hear about that...NOT from me but...you know...when YOU break the news." I chuckled at her stumbling over her words. "Glad to hear it. Thanks for everything Miss...?"

"Stacia." She said, extending a hand out to me. I switched my coat to my other arm and shook her hand in turn. "I'm glad I got put in the front of the plane tonight." She finished with a flirtatious smile.

"Me too. Have a good night, Stacia!"

"Enjoy your stay in Memphis, Justin."

"Thank you."

I exited the plane with her words still playing in my mind. Listening to my music got her through tough times. And she was excited to hear that I was planning on putting out more music. She couldn't possibly be the only one who felt that way. Where there was one, there was another. And that gave me hope.

*

"I don't feel like talking today." I grumbled to Dr. Bard, tweaking knobs and adjusting the faders on the soundboard. He let out a huff at me, rocking back in the big leather office chair.

"I don't know what you're paying me for then, Justin. This is the third day in a row that I've come in to the studio to talk to you and you still don't want to talk." I could tell he was getting frustrated with me. Hell, I was getting frustrated with me.

Dr. Bard had come highly recommended from the doctor that had known me and my family since I was in diapers. When I'd come into town my mom took one look at me, even though I was in a fairly good mood when I arrived, and said that she was ordering me to talk to a psychiatrist about what was going on with me. And who was I to argue? Mom knows best right? So she'd called the good old family doc and gotten him to recommend a shrink in downtown Memphis that could help me out.

When I'd told him to meet me at the studio I had been ready to talk, to open up about everything in my life. But then he showed up and started asking me questions and I closed off. I guess he had been expecting that out of me the first day, and maybe the second. He said that Dr. Martin informed him that I might be a little quiet at first. But today...today his usual cool, calm demeanor had dropped and he was eyeing me warily with his beady little brown eyes, willing me to talk. And I just couldn't. I wasn't even sure where to start.

"You know, why don't you just...go in and sing. Sing about whatever you'd like, whether it's something you've already written or something that comes to mind. You said that writing music is the best form of therapy you've ever had. Why not go in and do just that and let me listen, see if I can figure out from that a little bit about what's going on in that head of yours." He suggested.

I swiveled in the chair to face him, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. What had he just said? Go in and sing and he'd try to decipher what I was feeling based on that? Was he nuts? That was the weirdest idea I'd ever heard. But maybe he was on to something. I did tend to show a lot of emotion when I sang. It couldn't hurt. And doing this would be more productive than just sitting around in this studio for two hours at time while he stared at me and waited for me to say something. If anything, that made it harder to talk. When he stared at me it just made my palms sweat.

"Alright doc. I'll try it. If you think it'll work." I told him, pushing back from the console and standing up.

He looked up at me from his notepad, glasses falling further down on the bridge of his nose. "I'm not positive that it will. But it's worth a shot, right?" he said, his voice still maintaining this gravelly rough tone that I had grown accustomed to hearing over the past few days.

"Sure." I replied, ducking into the sound booth. I leaned into the microphone and spoke as I adjusted the headphones on my ears. "Can you hear me alright? Just give me a thumbs up if you can."

I received an ‘ok' sign back, so I dragged in a breath and hoped like hell that something came out that was worth using.

What I started to sing instead was something entirely unexpected. But the words and melody came back to me as if I'd sung it just yesterday instead of years ago. And it was completely relevant.

So please give me another chance
To write you another song
And take back those things I've done
Cause I'll give you my heart
If you would let me start all over
Again

When I finished the song, I stood in the booth for a few minutes, wide eyed as I thought back over the lyrics. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought about it before. (Another Song) All Over Again fit mine and Madison's situation perfectly, the song had just been released a few years too early, I thought with a bitter laugh. If I had known then what I know now, right?

I slid back on the piano bench and stood, peering through the glass at the good doctor, sitting there pen in hand, writing furiously in his little notebook. "I'm gonna come out now." I spoke, making his eyes drift from his pad of paper up to me.

I came out of the booth and stood waiting for him to say something to me. His little idea about having me go in and sing had seemed to work. I felt slightly more relaxed; the weight on my shoulders a little bit less.

"Are you ready to talk now?" he asked carefully, looking at me with watchful eyes, trying to gauge my state of my mind. The truth was I was ready to talk. To tell him the whole story. The song had somehow relaxed me enough and pulled everything into such clear focus that I was ready to tell someone and then have them make sense of the whole thing.

I plopped down onto the big leather sofa in the production room and rolled onto my back, putting my hands under my head. "Where do I even start?" I asked quietly, eyes staring up at the ceiling.

"Wherever feels natural to you. Just close your eyes and relax. Tell me the first thing that comes to mind and we'll go from there." He said soothingly, and I heard him dragging the chair he was sitting in across the carpeted floor, closer to me.  

I swallowed thickly and shut my eyes, trying to make my thoughts blank enough to give me time to figure out where to start. It was a wasted effort because the first thing that came to mind was Madison. She was always the first thing that came to mind when I was trying not to think about any one situation in specific.

I let the breath out, it puffing out my cheeks as the air was released. "I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her." I told him, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Who?" His tone matched mine.

"Madison." I replied, her name rolling off my tongue easily. It was the first time I'd spoken her name since arriving here in Memphis. I hadn't even talked to my mom yet about what had happened to cause me to jump on a plane home in the middle of the night and escape LA. Needless to say, she was worried, and insanely happy that I was talking to someone about this.

"What happened?"

It was love at first sight. "I saw her and it was like my whole life came into focus, like the universe shifted under my feet and locked into place the moment she set her eyes on me. After all of the relationships I'd had, I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married. They were too complicated and I was always too busy to pay them the attention they needed. But with her, it was like I couldn't do things quick enough. Couldn't ask her out, couldn't say I love you, couldn't propose, couldn't marry her or...have babies with her, fast enough. I wanted everything right now. And so did she.

"We were always on the same page. She was made for me, Doc. I'd never met anyone in my life that made me want to give up my career so that I could have more time to spend with them and so that I could make a proper life with them, until I met her. She changed all that. I stuck with it for a while but after being away from her for a month while I did a few shows overseas, I realized that I hated being away from her."

"She couldn't come with you?" he interjected.

"No. She had an amazing career that was just taking off when we first met and it demanded all of her attention while she got the company up and running. She was always independent and never wanted to need me too much. She didn't want to tear me away from my music-she always said she felt like it was an extension of me and that it'd be a shame to ever give it up."

"But you did."

"I didn't even hesitate to."

"She didn't stop what she loved doing just for you. She didn't make that sacrifice." He pointed out.

"Right. But her job wasn't as demanding as mine. True it was time consuming but...mine took me physically away from her. Across the ocean for weeks at a time. Across the country for a week here and there. Everyone always wanted a piece of me, to write them their next big hit or whatever. And I started to hate it. I didn't want to have to leave her for weeks or days for work. I wanted to just to be able to chill out and start to build an incredible life with this woman. My job was making it nearly impossible to do that."

"So what'd you do?"

"I stuck with the clothing line because it was based in LA, and worked some with the LA branch of Tennman. Jive came at me wanting to extend my contract for another three albums and wanted me to put them out in the span of five to six years. I told them they were nuts because that schedule would kill me and allow me almost no free time. Those five years would've been spent working every single day.

"And I wasn't ready to sacrifice the time I had been spending with Madison just so I could make some more money. It was a lot of money too, believe me. But I was never in this business for the money. I just liked to make my music and know that people were enjoying it and getting something from it. The quality of the music would have suffered too. Because while I can write good stuff in a time crunch, the first two albums weren't written in a day and definitely weren't recorded in a short time period either. And I wasn't going to put out music that I wasn't happy with.

"I thought about all the time I'd be spending away from Madison and how I'd have to put off proposing to her until after the five years were up. Because I wanted to be able to help plan and be able to enjoy a honeymoon where I wouldn't be photographed every five seconds or that I could take my time on and not worry about a deadline to be home. I was ready to start my life with her right away.

"When I told them to give me a longer time period they laughed in my face and said I had to choose between having a normal life or the life I was already leading. They wanted to give me a day to think about it but I didn't need a day, I'd already made up my mind. A life with Madison was all that I needed. So I told them no and they told me what a huge mistake I was making and not to come crawling back to them when I realized it." I finished, rolling my neck to the side to look at Dr. Bard. He was wide eyed when my gaze landed on him. I think he was surprised that I was being so open. Truth be told, I was too.

His eyes finally returned to their normal size. "What did Madison think of all this?" He asked, his pen skimming over the pages of the notepad in his lap.

I snorted. "She thought I was nuts and wanted to drag me back to Jive by my ears that same day and tell them I had changed my mind. She told me that she never wanted me to give up my music for her and that she'd wait for me, that she loved me enough to stick around. But I wasn't hearing any of it. We got into a fight about it. Like our first fight ever. She apologized and told me that it was my life and that if I wanted to quit my music and leave it all behind, then it was my decision and she'd stick by me in it."

"So then what?" He pressed.

Yeah, then what? Everything after this part always started to blur for me. "Well, we were engaged shortly after that all happened. We set the date for about a year and a half later, in November of 2010. We both wanted a long engagement so that we could plan things out the way we wanted and so that she wouldn't have to take so much time away from work. Because her label was still getting its sea legs. Somewhere in that year and a half I grew bored of my work with the clothing line, so I handed it all over to Trace. "

"And what'd you feel about your music at this point?"

I knotted my eyebrows together as I felt the weight press itself down on my chest. "I missed it. A lot. I was still writing, mainly just to feel like I was doing something with myself, but it wasn't the same since no one was going to be able to hear it."

"I'm sure you could've put the songs out if you had wanted to." Dr. Bard interjected.

I sucked in another breath and continued, almost not even hearing him now. I was in my own little world. "No. At this point I was still convinced that I'd done the right thing in walking away. I had friends in the business still and I'd talk to them and listen to them groan and complain about the hectic schedules they had to keep and I didn't miss it anymore. Not that part at least. But I missed the music. The songs I was writing got worse and worse since I had no inspiration to write quality stuff. And I felt like I had lost it, lost that gift that I'd always had to tell a great story with my words and my voice."  My chest tightened with the emotion of what I was talking about.

"Madison's company was growing fast and in between planning the wedding out, she was the one who was flying across the country now, leaving me by myself. I look back on it now and realize that the success she was having in her career was making me miss my own successes. And I think I resented her a bit because she could leave me alone for days at a time without batting an eyelash. She never made it seem like it was that big of a deal to her. And maybe it wasn't. Maybe she had fought with me so passionately about not quitting my job because she knew how much time she was going to have to take away from being with me for her job."

He tapped his pen against his notepad, seeming to think about what I had just told him. "That makes sense. She didn't want you to give up what you loved for her because she wasn't giving up what she loved for you. She thought you two could be a couple and build a life while you were both working in the careers that made you happy. Do you think you were angry at her for being so successful in her career?"

"I guess so? Maybe I was mad that she wasn't sacrificing like I was to start our life together. I don't know. All I can tell you about that time was that I was just...angry. All the time. Everything around this time is so fuzzy for me because I was in such an angry haze. I don't...I'm not sure where to go from here to continue with the story."

"Well, I think you've made quite a good attempt at talking things out for today, if you'd like to stop and come back to it later."

I sighed heavily. Maybe coming back to it was a good idea. It'd give me time to sort some things out in my head before having to talk to him again. Maybe I could figure out where I went wrong with Madison, what exactly had made me snap and completely stop caring about her and whether or not she was in my life. "Yeah, lets...I think I need a day to think some things through. I need a studio day where I don't have you watching over my shoulder." I said jokingly.

A tight smile pulled across his face. "Alright, Justin. You made good progress today. You talked. I'm proud. I guess I'll see you Thursday then? Same time?"

"Sure, doc. See ya." I told him, not bothering to move from my position on the couch.

"Good-bye, Justin." He called out over his shoulder as he left the studio. I shut my eyes tight, willing myself to return back to that time so that I could sort through the haze that was those few months before Madison left.

It really was no use. Nothing was coming to me. It didn't surprise me all that much though. I had pushed all of these memories out of my head for such a long time that it wasn't hard to comprehend why it was so hard for me to remember.

Those last few months with Madison were just filled with fights. Of me yelling about things and my life falling apart. And of her sitting back and taking it most of the time, only raising her voice to tell me that I was being stupid and that it was my decision to walk out on my career. I just didn't want to hear it back then. I was too stubborn, my pride always too great to admit that it was my fault that my life was taking a turn for the worse, and that I could have changed things if I'd only pulled my head out of my ass long enough to realize it.

I glanced towards the clock on the wall and realized it was way past the time I'd told my mom that I was going to stay in the studio today. Time to pick up and head out, I guess. Plus, she had promised she was making granny's peach cobbler for me, and I hadn't had a taste of that in ages. Not since Madison had made it for me that night, I thought with a smile.

I pushed myself up from the couch, body stiff from lying there as long as I had. Was I really talking to Dr. Bard that long? It sure didn't feel like two hours. I switched all the equipment off and headed out. Surprisingly, I was in a much better mood than I had been when I'd arrived at the studio earlier. Who knew that talking things out, no matter how insignificant the details of my past that I'd shared with the doc today were, could turn my mood around. Mom would be happy.

*

"Mommmm! I'm back." I yelled out as I came in from the garage. "I'm in the kitchen honey." She replied back, the sound of a pot hitting the ground right after.

I came around the corner to find her bent over, peering into one of the lower cabinets, with pots and pans scattered on the floor around her. I couldn't help but laugh. "Do you need help with something mom?" I asked, coming around to lean on the countertop by her.

"No. I've got it." She said, her voice sounded like she was stuck in a hole. Seconds later, her head popped up above the countertop. "So how was the studio today? Was it productive?" she asked.

I smiled at her. "Actually, yes. In more ways than one. I got some things out to Dr. Bard. So that was good. He told me it was good progress for me."

"Especially since you weren't even speaking before." She interrupted, turning away from me to tend to the pot of boiling water on the stove.

"Right. I laid down the instrumentals for two of the songs that I had written lyrics for. It was a good day. And I'm in a good mood." I told her. She looked over her shoulder at me, a wide smile on her face, one that looked exactly like mine. "I can tell. You wouldn't happen to be in a good mood because I'm making you your favorite dessert now, would it?" she teased.

"It has nothing to do with it." I said, sticking my tongue out at her. "Can I help with dinner?"

She shook her head. "Why don't you tell me what you and Dr. Bard talked about?"

"I don't want to go into it again. Besides, you know the story. I basically told him everything up until she and I started to fall apart."

"Too hard?" she asked.

"Nah. I just...it's fuzzy for me, you know? Repressed memories I guess. Stuff I didn't want to have to think about again."

"Well, you're going to have to talk about it, baby." Yeah, I know that, mom. I don't have to be reminded.

"I know. We stopped there partly because I didn't want to go on without having a clearer idea of things in my head. Do you have any beer? I'm in need of one tonight." I asked, heading to the fridge to search out something to drink. "In the fridge in the garage. Grab me one too."

I ventured into the garage and grabbed both of us a beer, lost in my head and stuck on a line of lyrics that I needed to revise before I recorded the song tomorrow.

"Are you ever going to talk to me about what made you come out here in the first place?" she asked me when I returned inside.

I popped the top on both bottles and set hers next to her on the counter. I tossed my head back and took a sip, letting the cold of it slide down my throat, and shrugged. "What do you want to know?"

She turned from the stove to eye me. "Everything. You sounded terrible and so out of it when I talked to you on the phone that night."

"I was out of it." I said shortly, taking another sip of my beer. "How about I tell you about it after dinner? I'd like to bask in this happy feeling I have for a little bit longer before I head back down that road."

"Sure baby. We can talk about it later. Now, how about you go fire up the grill for this chicken?" she told me, thrusting a plate of marinated chicken breasts in my hands. "No problem, momma. Thanks for cooking."

*

After dinner, when I was in a food coma, I stretched myself out on the couch and waited for her to join me. I tilted my head back and rest it on the cushion behind me and closed my eyes.

"You gonna make some room for me?" I heard her ask, patting my legs out of the way. "Of course." I replied, coiling up and settling myself into the corner of the couch. She pushed a steaming mug of coffee my way and I took it gratefully, eager for the warmth to take over my body and push away this feeling I had in my gut about having to bring this particular story up.

"Talk to me, sweetie." She said gently, extending her arm out on the back of the sofa. She raked her nails softly over my scalp and I settled into the comfort of it, relaxing. Moms always knew just what to do to calm your nerves.

I swallowed a sip of the coffee and held the mug against my chest, inhaling the steam as it rose from the liquid. "I ran into Madison at the grocery store the other night. Things seemed to be going great and then she dropped the bomb on me that she was with someone." I began, cutting my eyes to look at her and gauge her reaction, trying to see if she'd let on that she knew that Madi had been seeing someone. Her face betrayed nothing.

"At first, I thought it was ok. She didn't make it sound serious. But then he called while I was with her. And she said she loved him." The end of the sentence was clipped and I knew it was because of the tightening in my chest. I didn't want to go back here. "So then what?" she asked, fingers still in my hair, massaging my scalp.

"I flipped out. I raced home. I was so blindingly angry that I busted my piano bench, ripped apart my living room. And then she came over a few hours later. We talked about things. Well, I yelled some, she cried some. We hugged. I told her that she would always have my heart..." My mom sucked in a breath at hearing that one and I looked up to see the hint of tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, baby." She said quietly.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, my voice just barely above a whisper.

"I wasn't sure it was anything serious. She never made it sound like it when I talked to her." She replied, matching her tone with mine. "But you still knew something. Regardless of how serious you thought it was, you still should have told me." I took a sip of the coffee and let it burn its way down my throat.

"Honey..." she started, "you were still so fragile when we talked. I didn't want to undo what progress you had made by dropping that on you. You have to understand that I thought I was helping you. You know I never want to hurt you, baby." She said gently, patting my knee.

"I know, I just...when she told me I felt like everyone knew but me and felt so angry and hurt by it. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again, mom. It hurts so much. I thought that maybe if I got my life back together, that things with her would sort of just...fall back into place. But there doesn't seem to be any chance of that happening. Not with him in the picture. She said he makes her happy and that she's finally in a good place again." Her hand moved its way down to my shoulders and she rubbed the tight knots under my skin. I hissed when she pressed into one too hard. "I can't take that away from her. I can't fault her for moving on. It was selfish thinking that she'd wait around for me. But...without her, I don't know if I can do this."

"Do what baby?"

"Get back into this whole music scene again. I don't think I want any of it if I can't have her." I said honestly, taking another sip of my coffee to wet my throat. I was growing hoarse from all the talking and singing that I'd done all day.

"You did it before. Why can't you do it now? She's happy Justin. You said it yourself that you don't want to take that away from her. Now you've got to make yourself happy. Lose yourself in your passion for your music. Find your happiness again. If she's the right one for you, things will fall back into place with her if they're supposed to." She advised.

I supposed she was right. If Madi really was the one then things would work themselves out. Somehow. They just had to.

"You're right. I just needed to hear someone else say it." I told her, letting a small smile spread across my face.

"I'm always right." She said teasingly, getting up from her spot on the couch. "I'm going to bed. There's a number by the phone that may come in handy over the next couple days. Why don't you go get it and put it in your wallet so it doesn't get lost?" She bent to press a kiss to my forehead and then left the room, leaving me to think about our talk.

I stretched on the couch again, my long legs dangling over the end of it. I was exhausted and didn't even want to move. Even though my bed upstairs would be much more comfortable than the couch.

"Do you think you were angry at her for being so successful in her career?"

"I guess so? Maybe I was mad that she wasn't sacrificing like I was to start our life together. I don't know. All I can tell you about that time was that I was just...angry. All the time. Everything around this time is so fuzzy for me because I was in such an angry haze...

‘And you blamed her' my head screamed at me. I blamed her for everything. I chose to walk away from my career for her. She never forced me into it. It was my fault that everything happened, no matter how it went down. And now I had to pick up the broken pieces of my life and put it all back together, with or without her.

I twisted on the couch and my back shouted at me that it was not comfortable being there. I guess I needed to move to my bed or my body would hate me in the morning. Grabbing the coffee mug from the coffee table, I made my way into the kitchen to drop it off in the sink, and glanced at the phone. What had my mom said about there being a phone number there that would come in handy? What number could I possibly want right now?

Curious, I wandered over to it and picked up the piece of paper sitting there, a familiar number scrawled across the little post-it. I glanced at the clock, deciding if it was too late to call. It was only 9:30. They'd probably still be up; they never slept normal hours in all the years I'd known them. Picking up the house phone, I dialed the familiar numbers, pressing with unsteady fingers. I held the phone to my ear, my breath held in my throat as I waited for them to pick up.

"Hey Lynn!" the voice said happily when they picked up.

"Actually, it's Justin..." I said with a shaky voice. Why was I so nervous talking to them? Hadn't my mom said that they'd be happy to hear from me?

"Justin! How are ya man? I definitely wasn't expecting to hear from you!" they replied, a little more enthusiastically. I blew out a breath at hearing the tone of their voice, my nerves somewhat more at ease from their words. "Uhh...pretty good. Listen, do you have some time to talk? I think I may have a few things to say that you'll wanna hear."

"For you? Of course. Shoot."

"I'm ready to put out another album, Johnny."

"Finally I'm waking up,
I feel like I can let you go.
Say everything I wanted to say;
I'm ok with being alone"
Song-"Close My Eyes"-Backstreet Boys

"I'm ready to put out another album, Johnny."

Silence stretched for minutes on the line and the only thing letting me know he hadn't hung up was the faint sound of his breathing in and out.

"Wright-man, you ok over there?" I asked, growing weary of the silence.

He chuckled lowly. "Justin, that's great news. I'm just a bit stunned. You'll have to forgive my lack of response. But trust me it's not for lack of being excited. Trying to get my heart rate back under control."

"Sorry. Should've warned you, huh?" I replied, leaning my back against the counter.

"You always did like to catch me off guard, you punk." He joked and I could almost see his wide smile over the phone.

"That I did."

"So have you been working on stuff? If you have I'd love to hear it. I can come out to LA and we can meet up, if you'd like. My schedule is pretty clear for the next few weeks since the Jonas boys are overseas."

I laughed. Johnny's schedule was never "clear". He always had his hands in something. Johnny's idea of a clear schedule was being in the same city for more than a day. "Uhh...I've just got some pretty rough stuff down. Jayce and I were working together a bit. I'm actually not in LA right now, I'm in Memphis. I had to get outta that town. Too many reminders and stuff. I wouldn't mind a trip down to the sunshine state though. Been a while."

"Well, come on down. Bring Momma Lynn with you. Josh too if he's not too busy being the dance boy for MTV." He chuckled again. Clearly I'd caught him on a night when he was in good spirits. He must have made money today. "It doesn't matter if what you've got is rough. I'm sure it's good, whatever it is."

"Are you sure? You aren't like, mad at me for walking out on you all those years ago? I know you lost some money when I decided not to extend with Jive." I said, only half kidding. He scoffed. "I did. But you know that I didn't care. I saw that you were happy and if anyone deserved some time away to have a normal life, it was you. Besides, *NSYNC made me enough money to never have to work again."

He was ohsoright about that. Hell, being in *NSYNC had made me enough money to be set for life. But at the time that the band decided to go on hiatus, I wasn't ready to give it all up. I was still young and liked all the fame and fortune that my talents were bringing me.

"Johnny, I am sorry though. For treating you the way I did. I know that my choices were my own and that when you offered to manage me again back then, you were only trying to help me find myself again. I just...I want you to know that I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't appreciate you and everything that you did for me. You were like a second father to me and the best manager I could ever hope to have."

"Justin, if I thought that you didn't respect me or appreciate me, I wouldn't still be talking to you right now and I would've come out to LA a long time ago to kick your ass for it. I don't know what has happened to you for me to be receiving your phone call tonight but I'm glad for it. It's about time that we got you back. It's time for you to take the world by storm again."

I let out a shaky breath and started pacing around the kitchen. This talk was making me nervous. "I don't know about the world, Johnny. I don't think the world even knows I'm still alive. Hell, I don't even know if I can do it anymore. I may just be teasing myself. The songs are probably terrible."

"Why don't you let me determine that, hmm? And we'll start off small and see what happens. Throw you out into a few small venues and get some reactions. Just like riding a bike, Justin. You may not have ridden in forever, but the second you get back on and start pedaling, it'll come back to you." He advised, making more sense to me the longer he talked.

"What about a label?" I interjected.

"What about it? You don't need one anymore. The majors are all too controlling nowadays and all the bands now are going indie. Why not have Tennman put it out? If you really want a label, I mean."

I hadn't thought about that before. But everyone at Tennman was fairly biased since I'd pretty much had a hand in hiring all of them. Even though I wasn't active at the label anymore, I still owned it. I was still the money behind it. I had to laugh at that. I'd be paying myself if I signed with them. I quickly nixed the idea. Maybe indie was the way to go. My head started spinning. This talk was all too much too quickly. I didn't even know if the stuff I had was worth letting other people hear.

"Yeah, that's true. I guess we'll just play things by ear. I've still got a few sessions with a head doctor up here..."

"You're seeing a shrink?" he interrupted.

I laughed and ran a hand through my short curls. "Yeah. Mom thinks I need to talk things out. I do too. So far so good though. I'm talking to you, right? That's another step in the right direction."

"What was the first step?" he questioned. I rubbed at the scruff on my face and turned to head upstairs to my bedroom. "Pulling my head out of my ass." I told him and he laughed.

"Got that right. Well, you just let me know when you're coming down and you've got a place to stay at the compound when you do. I was serious about bringing JC, though. Maybe I can talk you two into an *NSYNC reunion..."

Here we go, I thought, pun definitely intended.

"Maybe someday, Johnny. For right now though, I think I need to start out on my own again."

"I know. I know. You know that I'm kidding with you. But those fans still hold out hope. Which is good-it means they haven't forgotten about you. You'll have a good sized fan base when you get out that new album." He was right about that one. I hadn't thought about that part. *NSYNC fans really were the most loyal fans out there. Almost a decade since our hiatus and they still hadn't given up hope that we'd someday get back together. You had to give them credit.

"Yeah, I hear that. You make a good point. I'll see if I can pull JC away from LA long enough for a visit out to O-town. I'll let you know of the exact day that I'll be there but it should be Monday-ish."

"Sounds great, Justin! Glad to have you back."

A smile pulled across my face and I flopped down onto the bed. "I'm trying. Thanks for everything, Johnny. You really are the greatest..."

"Yeah, I know. Thank me later when I haven't told you that your songs suck. I'll be in touch with you soon, J."

"Alright. Night Johnny. Tell the Mrs. I say hello as well."

"Will do. Goodnight Justin."

I hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed next to me, sighing out in relief.

"Did I hear you making plans for a visit to Florida?"

I jumped at the sound of my mom's voice in my doorway. Had she been eavesdropping on me? The little sneak. She had known that I would call Johnny tonight. God love her. Coming home really was proving to be the best idea I'd ever had.

"Yes mom. Way to spy. Did you want to come too?" I asked her, pushing myself up on my elbows. She smiled at me as she leaned against the doorframe. "Only if you want me to. You know that I can always use an excuse to go to Florida. Besides, Johnny's wife and I can busy ourselves and go shopping and lay by the pool while you two talk business."

I yawned and stood to go get my pajamas on. "Sure mom. I'm gonna see if Jayce can meet me out there too." She giggled. "Is Johnny trying to talk you into another reunion?"

I nodded at her as I shed my t-shirt. "Just like old times." I said with a smile. "I'll probably go Monday. That ok?"

She padded into my room and placed a kiss on my forehead, smoothing away the creases in my face after. "Anything for you, baby. Now I'm really going to bed. Love you. Goodnight."

"Love you too, mom."

She retreated and I closed the door before I stepped out of my jeans and pulled my comforter back. I slid under the covers and felt myself sink into the comfort of the bed, relaxing for the first time since I got there.

I felt really good about my talk with Johnny. He had welcomed me back with open arms, something that I would be eternally grateful for, and had given me a boost of confidence that this could work out; that things would be ok for me even without Madison around to share it with.

As I felt the beginnings of sleep consume me, I felt a piece of my heart fit back into place. I may not have Madison by my side in this (and that still stung), but I had other people surrounding me who would be there by my side through it all, who had been there for me since the beginning. For the first time in forever I was content with that knowledge. For the first time in forever I went to sleep with a smile on my face and the intense pressure I had been feeling weighing on my chest was a ghost of what it used to be.

*

My feet on the ground but I can't run,
drowning the noise inside my head--
who is this man that I've become?
It's killing me to see myself.

Dr. Bard startled me out of the trance I was in when he walked into the studio on Saturday. "So, how we feeling today Justin?" He asked as he situated himself into the leather chair next to me.

How do you learn how to forgive
when deep down inside you can't forget?
With all that I regret
and I pray for the first time in a long time

I glanced up from the notepad I was scribbling lyrics on and smiled at him. "Great, doc!"

"Great?" he asked.

"Yeah." It was the first time I'd said it and actually meant it. It felt good.

His brows wrinkled in confusion before his lips screwed into a smile. "That's wonderful news, Justin. I'm glad to hear it! Why are things so great?"

I set my pencil down and turned my chair towards him, folding my hands in my lap. "For the first time in a long time, I woke up feeling that everything was going to turn out alright; that everything I'm doing now is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. With or without someone by my side. For the first time in a long time I'm excited about where my life is headed. I'm finally back on track and I'm so ready to get back to doing what I love. I was an idiot before in thinking that I could live without music running through my veins and living and breathing it in everyday. Being in the studio and creating again has made me feel like myself again-when just a few weeks ago I wasn't sure I'd ever feel that way.

"I'm leaving tomorrow for Florida to visit Johnny-my manager-and he's going to take a listen to what I've got so far. His reaction to all this is going to decide whether or not I put out an album."

Dr. Bard was drumming his fingers on the console to the instrumental track that I'd been playing when he came in and I watched him curiously, weirded out by the change in his demeanor since I'd seen him a few days before. Maybe my opening up to him had made him feel like he could open himself up as well. He cut his eyes towards me, a smile still on his face. "And how do you feel about what you've got so far?" he asked.

"I like it." I replied, scratching my chin. "It's definitely different than my previous stuff but a lot has happened since my last album. I'm not that person anymore." I took a drink from the bottle of water in front of me, tossing the bottle back and forth between my hands.

"So I won't hear any ‘sexyback' part two's on this album?" he said with a chuckle. I spit out the water that I'd just sipped and let out a loud snort. "Umm, no. And I can't believe you just said that."

He continued laughing at me, brushing at the sleeves of his shirt at the drops of water I'd gotten on him. Whoops. But he really should have warned me that he was going to make a funny; I wasn't prepared.

"I'm up on my pop culture, Justin. I know I may look old but give me a little credit."

"You've got a daughter, don't you?" I asked and he cut his eyes away from me with a slight roll. "Yes. She's married and 30 now but it would make me the best parent alive if I got her an autograph."

"Seriously?"

"I wish I was kidding."

I smiled at him. There was yet another person I could count on to support me when I put my CD out. Good to know. My numbers were growing.

"Do you know if she had a favorite song? Or album? Maybe I could record her a rough cut of it and send it off to her."

He thought it over for a moment. "I think she liked ‘Something Like You'."

"Of course she did. Hmm. I'm hooking up with JC when I go to Orlando. He might be willing to sing it with me. I'll see what I can do." I told him, thinking back to the song and remembering the lyrics instantly.

Madison looked up at me through her long eyelashes, bright green eyes sparkling intensely, and my heart swelled.

"You're beautiful." I whispered out, wiping my thumbs under her eyes to rid her cheeks of the tears that I'd managed to cause.

"You made my make-up run." She said accusingly, hands pushing mine away so that she could fix it. "Didn't you hear me? I don't care. You're gorgeous. And at least they're happy tears."

She sniffled and gave me a soft smile, her lashes wet and sprinkling her cheeks with the blackness of her mascara. "You really want to do this? We haven't even been dating that long." she asked worriedly.

"Madi, I've never been more sure of anything in my life."I said reassuringly. I reached out for her, wrapping my arms around her waist and bringing her against my chest. She settled into me, tucking her head under my chin. I'm sure she could feel my heartbeat against her cheek; it was pounding with excitement over what I'd just done and what her reaction was.

I blew out a breath and squeezed her tighter when she sighed against my chest. The music that the jazz band was playing inside the restaurant was a familiar tune and I swayed us back and forth slightly, humming along.

"...could it be true this is what God has meant for me? Cause baby I can't believe, that something like you could happen to me..."

I felt Madison giggle into the front of my shirt and I pulled back to look down at her. "Something funny?" I asked. She beamed a bright smile up at me and shook her head no. "Liar."I accused, poking her side, causing her to laugh harder. "You paid them to play that, didn't you?"

I widened my eyes and threw my hands up in defense. "No way. You know I'm corny but I'm not that bad." I said, smiling at her and bringing her hands up to rest on my shoulders.

"Something happens when you look at me, I forget to speak. Something happens when you..."

"Yeah, I think JC and I can do something for her. Just make sure you leave me her address." I told Dr. Bard.

I was expecting to feel some kind of tightness in my chest at remembering that particular part of mine and Madison's history but, I didn't. All I was was grateful that I'd been able to experience something like that with her at all.

"I'm going to win father of the year for sure." He joked, rocking back in his chair. "So, what were you working on? I'd love to hear something new. I may not be any industry savvy person but, I'm the general public. I'll tell you if I like it or not."

"You sure you don't mind? It's a song that I've been messing around with for a few days. I was kind of stuck on the lyrics..." I said, shuffling the papers in front of me to get them all in order.

"It's your money. We can spend your two hours however you'd like to."

As I pushed back from the mixer, I gave him a smile. "If you really don't care, I'd love to get your take on this song."

"Hit me with it."

I flicked a few switches and the intro for the song began to play.

Finally I'm waking up
I feel like I can let you go.
Say everything I wanted to say,
I'm okay with being alone
Finally I'm facing up
I feel like I can let it show
and know I can walk away
I'm okay with being alone

When I close my eyes
When I close my eyes

I'm alive

"Justin, that's wonderful. You weren't kidding when you said it wasn't like your old stuff but, I like the new sound. It's very raw and real."

I felt my eyebrows draw together. "So you like it?" I asked.

He smoothed his hair back and sat forward. "Like I said, I'm not in the industry and don't really know a whole lot about how it works but this is good stuff."

My face lit up with a cheek-splitting grin. "Awesome. That's exactly the kind of reaction I wanted. Hopefully Johnny will feel the same."

"He will."

"So, what do we do now, doc?" I asked, taking a seat in the chair again. "Well, you said you're leaving for Florida tomorrow. I'm assuming you'll go back to Los Angeles after that?"

I hadn't really thought about what I was going to do, but LA seemed the most logical. "Yeah, most likely. Do you know anyone out that way I can talk to?"

"Do you think you need to keep regular sessions up?" he questioned, examining his notepad.

I shrugged. "Maybe. But I'd rather keep talking with you. Is there any way we can do that?"

"Sure. I really don't think you need to see me, or talk to me, as much as we did this week but, a phone call once or twice a week just to check in couldn't hurt. Does that sound alright?"

"Yes. I'd be more comfortable talking with you as opposed to someone out in LA. Besides, I trust you. I'm not sure I'd trust any of them."

He laughed. "Those LA doctors can be just as nutty as the patients."

"Hey! I take offense to that." I yelled.

"I wasn't talking about you. You're pretty normal as far as former popstars go. Then again, I haven't talked to too many in all my years of work. Who knows? Maybe you're loony and I should be having you committed." He teased.

"Now you're just being mean."

"My apologies. But seriously, you just had a broken heart and a few issues that you needed worked out. Have you ever tried keeping a journal? That might help you get your thoughts out-the ones that you don't want put into a song, you know?"

"Not really. Are you suggesting I start one?"

"It couldn't hurt." He glanced at his watch and back up at me. "I hate to cut our session short but, I've gotta run and pick up my grandbaby from daycare since my son couldn't do it. Did you want me to come back?"

I shook my head no. Cutting the session short was fine with me; I wanted to get back to work on my new song. And I needed to call JC and finalize plans for meeting up with him in Orlando tomorrow.

"Alright. Well, you take care. You've got my number. Feel free to call anytime you need me." He surprised me by leaning in and hugging me.

"You're going to be just fine, Justin." He said reassuringly.

"Thanks Doc." I replied, patting him on the back. "I'll let you know when I get that song recorded for your daughter. I'll talk to you soon."

When he left, I turned back to the lyric notebook that was sitting on the desk.

Flipping it to a new page, I put a pen to the paper and began to write.

The puzzle pieces of my life are finally fitting back together. True they make a different picture than they did before, but I have a feeling I'm going to like the end result. I think there's always going to be that one missing piece that got lost somewhere in a couch cushion or sucked up in the vacuum cleaner, but I'm willing to accept that this picture is going to be slightly flawed. No masterpiece is ever perfect...and I can finally say that that's ok with me.

"Something always brings me back to you,
it never takes too long."

I booked my flight to Orlando when I got home from the studio that night and put in a phone call to JC about meeting me out there. It hadn't taken much twisting of his arm to get him to come with. After he yelled at me for disappearing on him without so much as telling him where I was going, he agreed to fly down to Orlando and hang at Johnny's compound for a mini-vacation. Or a break from the LA scene. JC claimed he needed it.

I didn't care what his reasoning was, I was just glad that he was joining me. Being alone with Johnny was a slightly intimidating task for me right now.

I was set to leave tomorrow night and the songs that I had been working on were definitely not up to my standards when it came to having Johnny take a listen to them. Glancing at the clock beside my bed, I realized how late it was but knew that if I was going to feel even the slightest bit settled about showing any of this stuff to him, that I'd have to make it a late night and go back to the studio to work on some things. Mom wouldn't be happy about it, but she knew me. And she knew Johnny and what he was most likely expecting to hear out of me.

I shoved my laptop to the side and climbed out of bed, stumbling a bit from my legs being numb from the position that I'd been sitting in, towards the track pants that were on the ground.

"Hey mom!" I called out, venturing into the hallway to find her. The soft sound of the TV downstairs alerted me to her whereabouts. "Mom."

"What's up baby?" she asked, craning her neck around to look at me.

"I've gotta go back into the studio and finish up a couple of things before tomorrow. I don't know how long I'll be."

She rolled her eyes. "Alright. I won't wait up. Take some tea with you to keep that voice of yours smooth."

"Sure mom."

I leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. "Love you honey."

"Love you too." I said over my shoulder as I disappeared out the garage door.

*back inside

Once Lynn heard the garage door close, she reached for the home phone, a mischievous twinkle in her eye. She hadn't talked to Madison in a while. It was time to catch herself up on what was going on in her former almost-daughter-in-law's life.

*back in LA

Madison stared after the retreating form of her boyfriend as he took the steps two at a time up to the second floor of his townhouse. She finished putting the dishes in the dishwasher, leaving her wine glass on the side of the sink just in case she had the urge to have another glass before bed.

She'd never been a huge drinker. But lately, with as confusing as her thoughts had been, and with as stressful as work had gotten, she felt like she needed the calming effects of a glass. Besides, a glass of red a day kept the doctor away, right?

Her cell phone started vibrating on the marble countertop next to her, and seeing whose name was displayed on the caller ID, she wasted no time in filling her wine glass again. She'd need one to get through this phone call.

With a deep sigh, she picked up.

"Hey Lynn!" she said, trying her best to put a smile in her voice.

"Hi sweetie! How are you doing?"

"Oh, not bad. Just finishing putting dishes away. Unwinding from the week at work." She replied, walking from the kitchen towards the back door that led to the backyard. A little bit of the chilly night air is what she needed.

"I'm glad to hear you're still busy. Still like what you do?"

"Most days." Madi said with a laugh that Lynn returned.

"Justin says the same thing."

"Yeah..." Madison heard Lynn draw in a breath.

"I really don't mean to pry into business but, Justin mentioned that he ran into you the other day."

Way to cut to the chase, Madison thought. "...yes." She answered, her own breath that she'd been unconsciously holding blowing out past her lips.

"I take it things didn't go well?" Lynn continued.

Madison sighed loudly. Her run in with Justin had been on her mind since it happened. "They were just...strained. It was hard seeing him again. I ran into he and Jayce at dinner at the bar and again that same night at the grocery store. I'm no fool. I knew that if I ever saw him again, old feelings would probably come back, but seriously Lynn, I can't get him out of my head. He just looked so torn apart inside when I left his place that night. It scared me. Because when I left him, I couldn't tell how he felt. He was just lifeless. The other night though, I really saw him again."

"Well of course he was broken up. He just found out the woman that he's still in love with, loves someone else."

Madison was quiet on her end of the line.

"Madi..." Lynn continued, "I'm not saying this because he's my son and hate seeing him hurt, I'm saying this for your own good as well. Decide what you really want before you break up with Skylar..."

"I wasn't thinking about..." Madison interrupted.

"and...before you say anything to Justin about the feelings you think you still have for him. Telling him and then taking it back a few weeks later will only hurt you both. And I don't want that. You deserve happiness just as much as Justin does."

"Thanks Mama Lynn. You've always got such good advice."

"I'm old and wise." Lynn chuckled.

"I don't know about the old part but you definitely are the wisest woman I know."

"Don't let your mother catch you saying that!"

Madison let out a quiet giggle. "My mom would most likely agree."

"This is why I love you Madison." Lynn said with a laugh.

Suddenly serious, Madison replied, "I love you too, Lynn."

"Like I said before, I'm not trying to meddle. I just wanted to make sure you were doing ok after everything." Madison's heart warmed at how caring Lynn still was about her. When she'd left Justin she also left behind Lynn and she was heartbroken over that. She and Lynn had bonded quickly after they'd met and soon after, Lynn had become like a second mother to Madi. It was hard to lose that.

She swallowed over the lump in her throat. "Yeah, I'm alright. And you're not meddling anymore than JC is. Sometimes I wish he wasn't blood related so I could just ignore him without getting yelled at by my mother." Madison said bitterly.

"He means well." Lynn interjected.

Madison huffed. "He always does."

And it was true. Yes, JC was getting on her last nerve lately with the constant calls prying into her business but she knew he was only doing it to make sure that things were ok with her. It didn't matter how many times he asked either, she'd still say she was fine even if she wasn't. Because a response other than being ok would immediately get back to Justin and he'd most likely call to see if there was anything he could do to help. That's just how he was, too.

And right now, a phone call from him wasn't something that she needed. Her head and heart were confused enough without adding his presence into the mix.

"Well, I don't want to keep you anymore dear. Call me if you need anything. You know that what's said between us is confidential unless you don't want it to be."

"Thank you. I'm just...trying to figure things out. My heads kind of a mess right now." Madison admitted.

"That makes two of you. He's been seeing a shrink since he came home. It's really done him some good."

"Oh wow. I never thought I'd see the day where that would happen." She stretched her legs out on the chair in front of her, leaning her head against the back of the lounge chair she was sitting in, enjoying the feel of the breeze against her warmed skin.

"You and me both. I'm proud of him for it though. He's needed an outlet for all of his feelings and thoughts since this whole thing started and the doctor really seems to be healthy for him."

"Are you fattening him up at all while he's home? He's as thin as a rail." Madison asked, remembering how skinny he had looked when they'd run into each other. No matter, he still looked amazing to her.

"I'm trying to. Good old southern country home cookin'." Lynn said.

"Mmm...you're making me jealous. I miss your food."

"Come out and see me sometime and I'll see what I can whip up." From the tone in Lynn's voice, Madison knew she was serious.

"Don't tempt me. I just may take you up on that."

"Good. It's an open invitation. You're welcome here anytime, dear." Lynn said affectionately.

"Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate the fact that you don't treat me any differently even though Justin and I aren't together."

"And I won't ever. Remember that. I'm going to let you go but, I'm going to expect to see you here soon, ok?"

Madison smiled. "Of course. Good night, Lynn."

"Night Madison."

They hung up and Madison stayed seated, taking in the previous conversation. A phone call from Lynn was always unexpected, but always welcomed.  Deciding that Skylar was probably wondering where she was and what she was doing, she got up.

A pair of arms slid around Madison's waist and she sucked in a breath when she felt his lips on her bare shoulder. "Why don't you come to bed?" he asked quietly, resting his chin on her shoulder. When did he come out here? She wondered. "I am. Just had to finish my phone call."

"Who were you talking to so late?"

She spun out of his grasp and padded back inside to the kitchen. She was going to top off her glass of wine to calm her nerves and her spinning head before she got in bed.

He followed her in, shutting the sliding glass door behind him. When he saw her with the bottle of red wine in her hands, his eyebrows rose to his hairline. "You're drinking before bed?"

She shrugged. "Long day. Work was stressful. I need something to calm me down."

Coming to stand in front of her, he draped his arms over her shoulders and looked down at her with a smirk on his face. "Why don't you let me help you unwind then?" he said with a wink.

She half-smiled at him, taking a sip of her wine quickly to smother her response. What she really wanted to tell him was that letting him help her unwind was about as far from what she wanted at the moment. Though why she felt that way, she wasn't totally clear. Ever since her run in with Justin, the thoughts running through her head went from one extreme to the other and she couldn't find her middle ground. Everything felt upside down.

On the one hand she had Skylar. Skylar who, when they first met, she'd been hesitant to let close to her, but once he'd convinced her that he was a good guy, it didn't take long to fall for him completely. The Skylar that stayed home with Bubba, her yorkie, when he was sick, and who brought her mom roses on mother's day. He was good to her and loved her completely and didn't ask questions about her past with her once uber-famous rockstar boyfriend. The only thing he wanted to know was if she was over him. And she was.

Or she had been.

Now she wasn't so sure.

Because on the other hand, there was Justin-the kind of guy she never pictured herself with because of all the baggage he came with. And then one kiss from him and she was gone, instantly drawn to and in love with everything about him; even the baggage. She'd been ready to marry him from the second he'd whispered "I love you" to her in his sleep unknowingly; and then it all fell apart. He became someone she didn't even know anymore, everyday sinking further and further inside himself until he had all but shut her out, acting like she didn't even exist.

So she took herself out of the equation and left. It was the only thing she could do.

And it had been hard.

Fighting a battle within herself everyday to go running back to him, begging and pleading for him to show her even a glimpse of his former self, of the man she fell in love with. Finally, her head won out and she decided that the best thing to do was to move on and forget him. She couldn't wait around forever for him; she needed to make herself happy.

Which is where Skylar had come in. He made her happy. He did.

"Babe?"

Madison broke out of her daze and focused on him.

"Hmm?"

"Have you listened to anything I've said?" he asked worriedly, massaging her shoulders with the pads of his thumbs. Her head lulled back when they poked at a particularly sensitive spot. "No. I'm sorry. Just thinking about a lot of things."

"Do you want to talk about it?" he guided her gently towards the staircase, his hands never leaving their spot.

"Not right now. I just want to forget about it for a while. You ready for bed?" she asked over her shoulder, taking another, bigger, swig from her wine glass.

"Of course. Does that phone call have anything to do with your mood?" he prodded, walking to the dresser on the opposite side of the room to change into an undershirt. Madison's eyes immediately averted to him, eyeing the deep cut lines in his waist that disappeared into his low riding boxer briefs, his hair tousled from him taking his shirt off. Her mouth watered. He was hot.

He grinned and patted the spot next to him. "Finish off your wine baby and get in bed."

Returning his smile, Madison gulped down the remaining liquid in her glass, wincing as the warmth burned its way down her throat. She curled up next to him, sighing when an arm wrapped around her waist and brought her closer to him.

"Night babe."

"Night." She returned quietly, shutting her eyes, praying that sleep would come easily. Maybe the wine would help her fall asleep faster. With as quickly as she drank it down, she was already feeling warmth in her cheeks. Hopefully that warmth would make its way towards her brain and shut it down.

The man she saw when she fell asleep was not one that was entirely unexpected, but it still confused her. An angry pair of bright blue eyes, words that made no sense falling from pouted lips, and then a door slamming in her face after he had accused her of cheating.

What the hell?

Why was Justin yelling about her cheating?

Madison knew she was asleep. She could feel her eyes darting back and forth quickly under her closed eyelids. She could feel herself being pulled further into the dream, or nightmare, however, losing the sense that it wasn't real as she followed the scene playing out before her-anticipation filling her as she waited for what would happen next.

Suddenly the cold, darkened room fell away, a bright blue sky and warm, balmy air replacing it.

This scenery was much better than the last.

~

Madison stretched her legs out in front of her, digging her toes into the sand and dropping her head backwards, savoring the feeling of being relaxed for the first time in ages. Her schedule at the label had her in office 50+ hours a week, not to mention the hours she put in out of the office. She couldn't complain though; she loved what she did and being busy kept her mind off of the fact that this weekend would've been she and Justin's 1 year wedding anniversary.

If he hadn't walked out on her. Hadn't accused her of sleeping around on him with one of the artists at her label.

It couldn't have been further from the truth.

At the time they broke up, she had been working longer hours than usual at the label, staying after and giving attention to the newest artist that she'd signed. He was young and vulnerable and naïve to everything surrounding him and she felt that she could offer up her expertise and guide him along. The late hours she kept got Justin suspicious. Especially when she was coming home at two and three in the morning. When that happened, it usually resulted in a screaming match about where she had been and her defending herself by saying that he knew the kinds of hours that new artists had to put in when they were recording their first album.

None of it ever got through his thick head though. He continuously played the dumb card and it finally resulted in him leaving her, barely letting her get a word in edge wise as he beat her down with painful words and name-calling; names that still made her sick to her stomach to think about.

"Whatcha thinkin' bout?" Madison's best friend, Logan's voice cut into her thoughts and she averted her eyes from the horizon in front of her to squint up at her.

"What else?" she asked with a roll of her eyes. Getting tired of squinting the sun away, she dropped her brown Ray-ban aviators down over her eyes.

Logan swatted Madison's leg with her towel before attempting to lay it down beside her. "Would you stop? We came out here to get away from all that. It's way gone. Back in LA. It's not here."

Madison sighed. "Ugh. I know. I just...I keep thinking about it. This time last year and I would've been walking down the..."

"MADISON!" Logan yelled. "QUIT! If you keep talking like this I'm leaving your ass here." Madison giggled. "You think I'm kidding? Ohhh no. I'm completely serious. You gotta snap out of it. I'm here to get my tan on. And maybe meet a hot surfer boy."

"Lo...I love you." Madison said with a grin, leaning over to hug her.

Logan returned the smile. "I know."

With a deep breath out, Madison let herself relax again, pushing all thoughts of Justin out of her head.

She didn't know how long she'd been out, but when she woke up, she could already tell that her arms were getting a bit pink.

"Hey sleeping beauty." Logan joked.

Madison yawned. "Why didn't you wake me up and tell me to roll over?"

"You looked like you needed it."

"Yeah. But do I look like I needed to get the color of a lobster while we're out here today?" Madison said with a laugh, poking at her arm and watching the spot turn white and then a bright pink spot returning in its place. She cringed, this one was going to hurt.

"Are you really complaining?"

"Nah." Madison said with a shrug. "There is nothing better than Cali sunshine and sand and..." Madison started, eyes focusing on a cute pair of little kids, one boy and one girl, who were playing down by the water, attempting to build a sandcastle. They were failing miserably. Apparently no one had told them they were building too close to the water because each time a wave would come in, it would ruin their progress. She had to smile at them, though. They were adorable.

Observing longer, she put it together that they were definitely not brother and sister. The way the girl would get up and chase the boy around before tackling him to the ground where she'd plant a big wet one on him told her otherwise. She longed for that kind of innocence again.

"...the latest smut novel from Charlaine Harris." Logan interrupted her reverie, tossing the paperback book on the sand next to Madison.

"Don't you mean Sookie Stackhouse?" she asked, picking it up and examining it.

"Is there a difference?"

"No. As long as there is hot Eric sex going on I'm in." She said with a giggle, and Logan joined in. Eric Northman was both of their favorite character from the True Blood series. "But as I was saying...and the water is gorgeous..."

"...and your ex."

At that, Madison flipped over onto her stomach and hid her face in her hands. "My what?!?" she shrieked, pushing her glasses back on top of her head, eyes roaming the area around them nervously. She hadn't seen him in forever.

"Justin."

"You can't be serious."

"I wish I wasn't." Logan said sympathetically, rubbing Madison's arm comfortingly. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he saw us yet."

"It doesn't." she mumbled into the crook of her arm. "How's he look?"

"Like Justin."

Madison turned her head to the side to look at Logan. "So amazing, right?"

Logan shrugged. "I never thought of him like that."

"Good." Madison said with a grin, flipping the other way. "So where is he?"

"Further down. Bright turquoise and white board shorts...I can't tell who he's with, though."

"As long as it's not a girl..."

"Nope. Couple dudes."

Madison breathed out a sigh of relief. Even a year later, she wasn't sure she could handle seeing him with someone else. Peering over the side of her arm, she searched him out, gasping when she found him. Bent over at the waist, laughing hysterically at something that one of the guys he was with said. And he looked gorgeous.

"God..." she whispered, face turning red when he turned around and apparently spotted her judging by the look on his face. He had turned ghost white.

"Shit. I think he saw me."

"So go say hi." Logan told her.

"Trust me. I'm the last person he wants to hear from."

"It's been a year." Logan kept pressing.

"Doesn't matter." Finally tearing her eyes away from Justin's shocked face, she buried her head in her arms, vowing not to look up until Logan told her that he was gone.

"DUCK!"

"What?" Madison mumbled from her face-down position. She could feel her back getting fried but she didn't care. She didn't dare turn over.

"DUCK!!! FRISBEE!"

At Logan's warning, she covered her head, praying that it didn't hit her. As luck would have it, it landed just slightly to the right of their towels.

She felt sand get kicked onto the backs of her legs and her whole body tensed up when the person responsible for the rogue Frisbee, spoke up.

"Sorry about that! Wind must have caught it."

Madison recognized the smooth voice as it floated past her ears and couldn't believe all the terrible luck. She cursed Logan for making her come to this beach, of all places, today. And the fact that of all the beaches in close proximity to Los Angeles, that they'd end up at the exact same one as him.

"No problem." Logan spoke up when she saw that Madison had apparently forgotten how to speak. She handed the bright, fire engine red Frisbee over to Justin, a fake smile plastered on her face.

As Justin sauntered away from them without so much as acknowledging Madison's presence, Madison finally found her voice.

"Watch where you throw that thing next time." She yelled out to his retreating form; even just the sight of his back made her breath catch in her throat.

At her words he whirled around. "I did say sorry." He bit out.

"You're an ass."

He smirked. "Glad to see nothing's changed." He began to walk back towards her and, taking a cue from Madison, Logan got up from her towel and headed down towards the surf.

"You're right, it hasn't."

"I'm sorry. I really don't mean to be such an asshole. It's been a year; I swear I was over it all. But seeing you again just brings it out in me. Gets me in the mood to fight."

"We fought well." Madison interjected.

"Made up well too." He said with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

"Ugh." Madison pushed up from the ground and pushed past him to walk towards the walkway that led out to the parking lot.

Justin caught up quickly, grabbing onto her elbow to stop her.

"Don't deny it, Madi." He said with wink.

"Could you be any more bi-polar? One minute you're pissed at me and the next you're flirting with me."

"Well, which would you prefer?" he asked, leaning back against the railing.

"Neither."

Ignoring her, he spoke again. "So how's the boyfriend?" Justin asked, his tone completely void of any emotion. Other than that he could really care less.

"I don't have a boyfriend, Justin. You were it for me."

He smirked at Madison, his lips pulling into more of a sneer. "Right." He said with an eye roll.

"If you're just going to badger and name call me again, why'd you even bother with the whole ‘accidentally throwing your Frisbee my way' thing?" Madison questioned, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back against the railing of the walkway that led down to the parking lot.

"It was an accident." He said defensively.

"To coin your phrase-right. I call bullshit. Especially since it happened only a few minutes after you spotted me."

"Do you think I wanted to talk to you, Madi? After that day we broke up, I told you that I didn't have anything else to say to you." His cold, angry blue eyes narrowed in on her, sizing up her reaction to his harsh words.

"I know." She replied quietly, eyes downcast towards the ground.

"So if you think that I'm going to just cut you down then why are you still standing here?" He saw her intake a deep breath and when she looked up at him, there were tears in her eyes. The last thing he expected to feel when he saw them was sorry.

"I don't know, Justin! I was hoping that maybe we could carry on a somewhat civilized conversation." She said hoarsely, pushing off the railing and heading down towards the parking lot and the public changing rooms.

"What for? So you could try and convince me again that you didn't cheat on me!?" he snapped, following after her.

Madison spun on her heel at his accusation, her ponytail whipping around her head. "Why bother? I defended myself over and over and gave you valid explanations for what you thought was me cheating, and all you did was cut me down and call me a whore and a slut."

"You gave excuses." He mumbled.

"You know what I don't understand?" she yelled, fire behind her green eyes now. "Is why on earth, after all of that, that I'd still love you and want to be with you? Be with someone who would be so quick to accuse me of wrong-doing when they said they trusted me wholeheartedly. Explain that to me."

"I can't explain that to you anymore..." he began, the harsh tone of his voice breaking as he took steps closer to her to lessen the distance between them, "...than I can explain to myself why, even after all I think you've done, I still compare every girl I meet to you." His words were whispered and hard to make out, but she caught them. Heard enough of what he'd said to pick up on the fact that deep down inside, he still cared too. Probably more than he wanted to admit to himself.

"I'm sorry." Madison said, words just as hushed as his had been.

"Sorry can't fix what's been done." He growled out, his hands coming up and gripping her upper arms, as he moved her backwards against the concrete wall of the public changing rooms.

"If you'd take your head out of your ass long enough and really listen..." she began to protest, wincing when his grip tightened around her sunburned arms.

"I don't want any more excuses..." He said, his lips mere centimeters from hers. "No more talking..." he whispered out, his breath tickling her lips with the words.

"Justin..." she breathed out, relaxing into his tight grip and giving her body over to him and whatever he was wanting to do with it at the current moment. "You're still talking." He teased, soft lips finally brushing over hers in an agonizingly slow caress.

Goose bumps broke out across her skin that had nothing to do with the heat outside or the burn that the sun had given her. He captured her bottom lip between his and sucked it gently, letting it pop free a second later, and she shivered against him.

"What are you..." she began to question, and felt his head shaking back and forth as his lips moved over hers skillfully, in a dance that felt as familiar and comfortable as if they'd never stopped. "I don't know. I just..." he said, tongue licking along her bottom lip, waiting to be granted entrance inside the warmth of her mouth. "...want you." He finished, before moving in to her the last few inches and pressing her body entirely up against the wall with his own, anchoring her down with his hips so that she wouldn't try and go anywhere anytime soon.

~

A look to her left told her that she was most definitely not in bed with Justin. But damn, where the hell had that dream come from? It had felt entirely too real. The feel of the sand between her toes, the salt in the air making her skin sticky, Justin's cold gaze...his hands on her sunburned skin when he'd pushed her up against the concrete wall of the changing rooms.

The hairs on her arms prickled up at the memory.

Whoever said that drinking red wine before bed would give you intense, life-like dreams...hit the damn nail on the head. What she'd just woken up from was about as real as it could get.

She brushed her bangs off her forehead and rolled away from Skylar, swiping her phone off the nightstand. Quickly bringing up her text inbox, she input the familiar number and typed out the message. The chances that she'd regret doing this in the morning were pretty high but, at the moment, she didn't care.

I know I'm the last person you want to hear from but...

Reading back over what she had, she hit the delete button.

I'm sure you could probably care less about what's going on...

Dammit. That wasn't right either. And then, heart beating out of her chest, she typed the simplest thing she could to express what was going on in her head.

I think I miss you.

"And did I ever tell you, I'm better to have known you?"
Song and lyrics: "Did I Ever Tell You"-Nick Lachey

I never knew that five little words could hold such power. Power to break my heart, and power to give me hope. Especially when hope was such a deadly thing for me right now.

I don't know how long I sat rooted in my chair, staring at the text message, unable to find the words to say to respond. Unsure if I even should respond. What does one even say back to a message like that?

I missed her too. That wasn't hard to figure out. But I'd come so far since that night at my place when I'd decided I needed to let her go. Did I really want to risk losing all that ground just because she sent me a text in the middle of the night? It was Saturday night after all. For all I knew, she was drunk and didn't know what she was doing.

Realizing I wasn't getting anywhere doing what I was doing, I finally found the strength to just put my phone down and ignore it. Where the strength came from, I'm not entirely sure. But something in me was telling me to just let it go-that I'd be better off if I did because I didn't really want to know why she was sending me this random text message at 3am.

Shit. Was it seriously already 3am? I needed to get a move on if this was going to be in any condition to be handed over to Johnny on Monday.

In the middle of tweaking a song my phone vibrated again. You've got to be kidding me. I was almost afraid to look at it but my curiosity got the better of me.

I tweaked that song of yours, Stay, and put it on a CD so you could show J-man that one too.

I think the sigh I breathed out was of relief. Just JC. Deciding not to text back, but to give him a call, I dialed him up.

"What're you doing up, dude?" he asked when he picked up.

"In the studio, tweaking my own stuff. I wanna make sure it's right when Johnny hears it."

He laughed. "It doesn't have to be perfect."

"I know. But you know me. I'm a perfectionist."

"Like myself." JC agreed.

"Hey, could you do me a favor? If you have time, that is."

"Shoot."

"Can you swing by my place and pick up a few of my notebooks? They're down in the studio."

"Sure thing. What time do you get in tomorrow?" he asked.

Through a yawn, I responded, "5:30."

"Ok, cool. I'm in at 5:45, barring any delays. Just wait for me at the airport then and we'll hitch a ride to Johnny's together."

"Sounds good. I'm gonna let you go so I can get this shit done but, see you tomorrow?"

"For sure, dude. I'm preparing myself for the talk, already." He added in and I chuckled.

"I've already gotten part of it. The man is relentless."

"No doubt. Alright night, J. Get some sleep."

"Yeah, yeah. Night, C."

Thirty minutes later, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. So I took into account what JC had said about it not needing to be perfect and called it quits, driving home with the windows down, a/c blasting, and music loud to keep myself up. Morning was going to come too quickly.

                                                *

"Are you sure you don't want to come with?" I asked my mom again as she pulled up to the curb at the airport.

"I'm positive baby. You have a good vacation. Tell Johnny's wife that I'll catch up with her the next time around." She said with a smile, putting the car in park.

"Will do. Come out to LA soon and visit me, will ya?"

With a secret smile, she nodded. "I'll do that. Fly high."

I leaned over the center console and kissed her on the cheek. "Thanks, momma. For everything. You really helped me out a lot."

"I know I did. Mom's know best, right?"

"Most of the time." I said jokingly.

"Hey now! Love you, Justin."

"Love you too! I'll call you when I land." I closed the door to the backseat after retrieving my suitcase and stepped up onto the curb, waving at her as she pulled away.

                                                 *

The flight was pretty uneventful and we arrived right on time, JC's arriving shortly after I'd picked up my bag.

"So, good news." I started. "What's that?" he asked.

"Johnny sent us a car and said we could just borrow one of his while we're here. Since the man owns like fifty. But we've got tonight to do whatever we want. He's got to deal with one of his artists tonight."

"It's always something." JC said with a chuckle. "He's got his hands in everything."

"Well, at least it gives us time to prepare for the talk. And maybe finish tweaking some songs. I brought the masters with me for the songs that I recorded in Memphis so that I could work on them."

"You're ahead of the game, dude." JC said, watching the conveyor belt go round while he looked for his bag.

"I tried to be. Did you get a hold of my notebooks?"

"Yep. They're in my duffel."

"Thanks."

Spotting his bag, JC plucked it from the belt and slung it over his shoulder. "Ready?" he asked.

"As I'll ever be." I replied, following him out the door to find the car that was waiting.

We pulled into Johnny's house, well, compound as we all called it, in a short amount of time. Upon arrival, the housekeeper on duty showed us where we were staying and we got settled in. It was like being home again, JC and I both agreed. We'd spent so much of our lives at this place, it was hard not to feel at home.

JC was unpacking his stuff into one of the dressers and I plopped myself down onto my bed, taking a moment to relax and let everything sink in.

I was really going to do this. I was really going to start making music again.

"Hey, here's those notebooks." JC said, handing me the few he brought with.

"Thanks. I don't think there's much in here to work with but, we'll see what I find."

"Well, while you do that, I'm going to go find some grub." He said with a pat on his stomach. "We can go out and get something. It's not like the old days where we had to stay holed up here in fear of getting mobbed." I joked.

"Seriously. This is going to be different." He smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

"What strikes your fancy?" I asked, flipping through one of the notebooks in my lap.

"Alehouse." He answered without hesitation.

"Well that was quick. I'm down for that. I miss those loaded chicken nachos." My stomach grumbled at me in approval. It was probably hungry; I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I had been too nervous to eat anything before I got to the airport. This whole thing had me on edge. I hated not knowing how Johnny was going to react. It only made it worse that he put it off another day.

"Awesome."

Not finding anything of interest in the one notebook, I tossed it aside and grabbed the next one to look through while JC finished his unpacking.

A few pages in and I felt time stop around me. I had stumbled upon the last song I'd written before my life had fallen apart. 

For Madison.

And it was a hell of a song.

"It's been too long
I want to sit down and write for you the perfect love song"

"Jayce, I may have a song I need to put down tonight and get it on a CD." I told him, my fingers tracing over the words on the page.

"Seriously? You found one you want on the CD?" he asked.

"No. I just...I need it on CD for something."

"Alright. We'll get on that when we get back from food." He agreed. "Ready?"

"Sure." I said absent mindedly, following him out of the room and through the house to where Johnny kept all the keys for his cars.

We decided on the Porsche and were speeding down I-4 in record time, reminiscing about taking this same kind of joy ride when we were younger. Only back then we were always trying to outrun our security team. Or fans.

Oh, how life had changed.

We ate quick once we got to the restaurant, both admitting to being tired and needing rest. I wasn't exactly tired but I was distracted. I kept thinking about finding that song in my notebook. And remembering a promise that I had made that still needed to be fulfilled.

When we got back to Johnny's that night, I was going to work on keeping that promise. Sure it was a few years too late but, better late than never, right?

                                                        *******

I leaned on the breakfast bar in the kitchen, observing Madi moving about the kitchen, getting things ready for the dinner party we were throwing.

Though how we were going to have people over and act like all was fine with us while we were in a fight was beyond me. All of our friends would see through an act; they knew us too well. Madi and I had always been that couple. You know the one. Can't keep their hands off each other and can't stop smiling or tear their eyes away from the other. The annoyingly, perfectly in love kind.

But lately we weren't. Ever since I stepped back from everything to focus on making my life with her, things have been strained. I've been stressed and restless from not having things to do, and I know it's my fault. I do. But I made my choice and I'm sticking with it. It's just a rough patch we're going through. Well, that I'm going through.

Most days Madi puts up with my moods but something must have set her off today. She wasn't speaking to me. Hadn't uttered a single word since we'd had breakfast. Tonight was most definitely going to be interesting.

I heard a crash of pots and pans and was pulled out of my thoughts as I rushed around to see if she was ok.

She was on the floor in the middle of a bunch of pots that had fallen around her, after her attempting to grab just one. She sat there unmoving, hands buried in the hair that had escaped from her ponytail.

"You ok?" I asked tentatively.

"No." she said back quietly, pushing herself to her knees to begin putting the pots back in the cabinet.

"Can I help?"

"No. I've got it. This cabinet needed to be reorganized anyway since I moved in. This was bound to happen."

"I'll do it. You just finish up whatever you were in the middle of doing." I told her, kneeling on the ground next to her. She didn't look my way, only picked up a few of the pots and went about her task.

"I've got it." She barked, clattering the metal pots together as she attempted to put them into the cabinet in a more organized fashion.

My shoulders slumped. "How are we going to get through a dinner with C and Amber and Trace and Bailey if you won't even look at me?"

"I'll fake it." She said through gritted teeth. "Come on, Mads. Let's just talk this out." I pressed.

"Talk what out Justin?" she asked annoyed. "There's nothing to talk about. It's the same damn fight that we've been having that never gets resolved. You're miserable but you won't admit it. And your pride is too fucking much to march yourself back into Jive or to Johnny and tell them that you made a mistake."

"You're right." I agreed.

"I know that. And you say that every time. But if you know that I'm right, then why not do something about it? You're the only one who can change the situation you've put yourself in." She said with a sigh. I'm sure she was getting tired of telling me the same thing over and over. And I know I was getting tired of hearing it.

"You wouldn't understand how this works unless you were in my position. Unless you had been in that meeting with Jive that day." I countered, frustrated.

Her eyes narrowed at me, perfectly manicured eyebrows scrunching together. "Justin, I own a record label. I do know how things work. And I also know that Jive would probably have no hesitation in taking you back on and sweeping the whole thing under the rug if you were to go back to them with material that you wanted to put out. They worshipped the ground you walked on when you were with them."

"Yeah, when I was with them. But not now. Now they're just pissed that their cash cow left."

"So then go to another label."

As always, same conversation, just a different day.

"We've been through all this before, Madison."

She crossed her arms over her chest in a show that she was just as exhausted having this fight as I was.

"Let's just drop it then, like we always do. Even though I'm only trying to help." She huffed with a roll of her eyes. She'd been doing that at me so much lately that I was afraid they were going to get stuck that way.

"I know you are. And I appreciate that you care, but it's something that I've got to handle on my own."

"Then by all means, handle it. Do something except get pissed off at me about a decision that you made all on your own." The tone of her voice had escalated, and she was yelling now. It really was one of those days in our relationship.

And when both of us got to yelling, it was time we both took a step back to breathe and get our emotions in check. Having a screaming match never solved anything.

"I'll let you get back to your cooking. Sorry I interrupted. I'll be downstairs if you need anything." I said calmly, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder. She flinched away from my touch and turned towards the stove to get the cook top heated.

With one last look at her back, I turned and headed down to my studio. The same melody that I'd been thinking about the past week or so had returned and the desire to put down some lyrics was getting stronger by the minute-if only I knew what the lyrics were.

I flipped the lights on downstairs and went to the keyboard, opening the notebook that was sitting on top.

I played around with the melody, growing frustrated that nothing was coming to me. Then again, when Madison and I were fighting like this, it was hard to concentrate on anything but.

I knew that something needed to be done. We had to reach some kind of agreement or resolve this recurring fight somehow. We couldn't keep going like this or it would tear us apart. And that was the last thing I wanted.

I didn't want to think about what life would be like without her. Even on our worst days, I fell more in love with her. Hell, I left behind my career because of how much I loved her.  But with all the fighting that we'd been doing lately, she probably thought that I resented her for it.

I needed to apologize to her, try to figure out a way to get us back on track. I needed to remind her that the reason I gave up everything was because I didn't want to be apart from her.

Suddenly, an idea hit. Write her a song. I hadn't done that since we'd gotten together. She was my muse for a lot of things but I'd never written her a song that was strictly for her.

"And should you ever question the pain we're going through,
what I need to mention is that life just isn't living without you."

I scribbled down the lyrics, figuring out how it could match with the melody I'd had in my head. When I found the perfect fit, it seemed like the rest of the song came along perfectly.

An hour and a half later found me with a finished song that Madison needed to hear. Before our friends came over. Because we had some making up to do. That was about the only upside to fighting. Our making up was always incredibly intense.

"Madi, can you come here for a second?" I called out to her, hoping she'd hear me from down here.

"I'm setting the table. Can it wait?" she yelled back.

"No. I promise it won't take long."

I heard the creak of the steps as she came down into the studio in the basement. I looked up from the piano as she entered the room and gave her a small smile of apology. What I got back was a narrowing of her pretty green eyes at me.

"You're not dressed yet?" she asked with a glance at her watch. "They're going to be here soon, you know."

"I know. I had to do something, though." I told her, smile still plastered on my face in an effort to soften her up.

She rolled her eyes at me. "It couldn't wait?"

"It couldn't. Come sit down. I want to show you something." I said, patting the spot next to me.

She padded over towards me, ringing her hands in front of her, and sat down on the edge of the piano bench with me. Her eyes raked over the top of the piano, taking note of the notepad and pen with words haphazardly scribbled down.

"You wrote something?" she asked quietly. I pressed my lips together and nodded at her.

Putting my fingers to the keys, I started in on the song that I had just written. For her.

Did I ever tell you that I'm better to have known you?
I don't want to leave you with a shadow of a doubt.
Did I ever give you the strength you've given me?
And how can I begin to make each moment mean the most so you will see
I never loved you more than I do today,
Sometimes life just seems to get in the way.

It's been too long
I want to sit down and write for you the perfect love song.
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd.
I want to move you in a million ways.
I'll say it to you every day.
Did I ever tell you I love you that way

And did I ever tell you I'm better to have known you
I don't want to change you cause I'm proud of who you are
And should you ever question the pain we're going through
What I need to mention is that life just isn't living without you
You know that I want you more than anything
Sometimes I just forget to say what I mean.

It's been too long
I want to sit down and write for you the perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd.
I want to move you in a million ways;
I'll say it to you every day
Did I ever tell you I love you that way

I never loved you more than I do today
Sometimes it's crazy, life just gets in the way

It's been too long
I want to sit down and write for you the perfect love song
I want to shout it out in a silent crowd.
I want to move you in a million ways;
I'll say it to you every day
Did I ever tell you I love you that way

I finished and turned to look at her anxiously. Her eyes were closed and silent tears were slipping down her cheeks. My heart broke. I'd been the cause of too many of those tears lately. She stayed quiet for a few more minutes but reached over to take hold of my hand. I rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb in an effort to comfort her somehow and she drew in a shaky breath. "Did you just write that for me?" she asked quietly, turning teary green eyes to me.

"Yeah. I've had the melody rolling around in my head for a few days but couldn't find the words."

"It's...I'm...speechless. This is beautiful. It's all mine?"

I nodded at her, bringing her hand up to press a kiss to her knuckles. "I just wanted to apologize. I know that I'm the cause behind the fights that we keep having and I'm honestly going to make an effort to change things. But I needed you to know how much I love you and how head over heels I am. You are truly the greatest thing to ever come into my life and I am so incredibly lucky to have you. I know I may not show it lately, but it's true."

Tears slid down her cheeks and I reached up to brush them away. She smiled gently at me and sniffled. "You're forgiven. Though you may have to play that song a few hundred times now that I've heard it. Would you put it on a CD for me?"

"I think I can handle that." I replied, turning her body to face mine. "Are we ok?" I asked, eyes probing hers.

"Yes." She stated simply, tilting her face up towards mine. Recognizing the move I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers softly, brushing them across hers over and over, and conveying to her all the emotions that I was feeling. 

Her hands came up to rest on my chest and I let my hand slide from her cheek to the back of her head to tug the ponytail holder out of her hair. It fell out of the holder and tangled into my hands and I massaged her neck gently. She groaned into the kiss, parting her lips just enough to let my tongue slip inside the warm confines of her mouth. My heart dropped into my stomach at the touch, the feeling of losing my breath something that I had become accustomed to when I was tangled up in this woman.

When our tongues met, a fire was lit under me, and suddenly just making out with her on the piano bench wasn't enough. "Bed?" I mumbled against her swollen lips and she shook her head no, pulling back reluctantly.

"No time. They'll be here in ten minutes." She whispered, lips moving across mine with the words.

"Screw them." I replied with a grin. "Justin...." She hissed out when my hand pushed under the silky fabric of her tank.

"Alright." I withdrew my hand slowly, fingers tickling along her sides. "But you're mine after they leave."

She gave me a smile that stopped my heart before rising from the piano bench. "No complaints here, baby. I'll be waiting." She said with a wink.

I watched the sway of her hips as she retreated up the steps and back to her duties, swearing that she was going to be the death of me.

"Oh, and Justin?" she called out, stopping on the top step.

"Yeah?"

"I'm kind of head over heels for you too."

I grinned at her response, shaking my head at how up and down we'd been lately. God, what a rollercoaster.

Dinner seemed to last forever. I swore that our friends knew what was up and were purposely hanging around extra long as a form of torture. But finally, hours later, they all departed, leaving us with a sink full of dishes to clean up.

After closing and locking the front door, I meandered back into the kitchen, sneaking up on Madison at the sink by wrapping my arms around her waist and planting a kiss on her cheek. She dropped the plate she was washing off and leaned back into me, one arm reaching up to grasp my neck.

"These can wait ‘til later." I whispered into her ear, dragging my nose along the skin of her neck that was exposed by her tank. "I, however, can't."

She giggled at me, wiggling her butt against me, eliciting a growl from my throat. "Let me love you, Mads." At my words, she visibly shivered, turning herself around in my arms. "I'm all yours." She replied softly, arching her hips against mine. At feeling how turned on I already was from even thinking about making love to her, her mouth dropped open and she purred. "The counter looks pretty good right now." she said with a wink.

"I couldn't agree more." My lips descended on hers, capturing them roughly as I hoisted her up onto the countertop. She spread her legs to accommodate me and I stepped between them, pressing myself as closely to her as I could. "I love you so much, Mads." I murmured, fingers traveling up the expanse of her legs to massage her thighs. "Show me." She moaned out as I pushed my hands between the elastic of her underwear and her inner thigh.

"I intend to."

                                                             *******

"You ready to record this, J?" JC's voice broke into my thoughts, and I looked at him through the glass separating us in Johnny's studio.

"Yeah. I'm good." I replied, picking up the lyrics to "Did I Ever Tell You", anxious and excited to finally get the song recorded. Even though it would never see the light of day on any CD I ever put out, it meant a lot to me to keep my promise to Madison. To show that I did what she had asked me to, should she ever bring it up again.

Realizing I hadn't silenced my phone, I took it out of my pocket to put it on vibrate. Something in me made me open my text inbox and re-read the text that Madison had sent me the night before. Quickly hitting ‘reply' before I could second guess myself, I typed up a short message.

I've got a song with your name on it, should you ever want to collect on that promise I made you all those years ago. "Sometimes it's crazy, life just gets in the way..."

 "I gotta feelin'...that tonight's gonna be a good night..."

"So, tell me again why we're not including this one on the CD, J?" JC's voice filtered through my headphones.

"It's not a song that's supposed to be on there. This one's just...personal." I responded, looking once again at my phone that had sat idle on the stool next to me since I'd sent the text to Madison over an hour ago.

"Aren't they all personal?" JC questioned in confusion.

I shook my head at him. "Yeah, but...this one's different."

He folded his arms across his chest and stared me down. "I'm telling you, J. You could totally lead with this as your single."

"No."

"You're being stubborn."

"I'm holding to a promise." I retorted, crossing my own arms over my chest and meeting his eyes.

"I get that this is a song for Madison...I do, but..."

"Look, Jayce...I appreciate the boost of ego for you thinking that this would make a good single-however, my mind is set on it. The only person's ears that need to hear this song besides you, are Madison's. It's hers. I'm already sharing enough of she and I's relationship with the entire planet...I want to keep just this one thing."

A smile tugged at his lips. "Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yeah, ok."

"That's it? You're giving up just like that?" I questioned frustratedly.

"Mhmm. I just wanted you to admit it."

"Admit what?" I asked, taking a seat on the stool and looking through my text messages again.

"That you wrote it for Madison. She mentioned a long time ago that you had written her a song right before things went to shit between you two."

"Really?" I lifted an eyebrow at that, now listening intently to what he had to say. "Yeah. She said it was incredible and she wondered how she ever let you walk away from something that you were so talented at-that you were born to do."

I snorted. "She didn't let me. She fought me tooth and nail over it at first...somewhere along the lines, she gave up."

"Because you became a dick." He said pointedly.

"But..." I began to protest, but at JC's look I quickly realized how right he was and sat back on the stool with a pout, admitting defeat. "I'm right." He said with a smirk that I quickly returned with a flip of my middle finger.

"You know I am or you wouldn't have shut up like that. There are only so many times you can hit your head against a brick wall before you realize that it's the thing that's giving you a headache."

I rolled my eyes. "Lemme guess, I'm the headache, right?"

JC laughed. "Sometimes my own personal one. Actually...between you and Madison lately I'm beginning to think you're teaming up against me. You're like this constant pain in my--"

"Ok! I get it!" I said interrupting his rant.

"Only joking. But seriously, do you want my thoughts on this or not?"

"Uhh..."

"You're getting them, regardless." He began. "I'm not sure how good of an idea this is to give to Madison."

"I never said I was giving it to her. But for arguments sake, why do you say that?"

"You've grown so much since that day I saw you at your house after you two had talked again. You're well on your way to moving on. She's moved on. I feel like it's taking steps in the wrong direction. Besides, what makes you think she'd want this?"

I shrugged. "I don't know for sure. But I promised her I'd put this on a CD for her a long time ago. I'm just staying true to it." I said honestly.

"Well, I can't fault you for that. Just promise me that you'll think twice about actually giving it to her. Don't do it unless she asks."

"I won't."

"I'm serious." He warned. "She doesn't need that kind of confusion right now. Her head is already a mess."

I sat up a little straighter. "What do you mean?"

"...forget I said it." He said quickly, backtracking over his previous statement.

"No...why is her head a mess?"

"She's just trying to figure some things out...work and stuff." He covered.

Her figuring stuff out with work was standard for her...it was the "and stuff" that had me concerned.

"Don't worry about it, Justin. She's fine." He answered my thoughts.

I furrowed my brow, my head working over a thousand different reasons for her to be confused about something. The only thing I kept coming back to was that these same reasons were the very thing that had caused her to send me that text message.

I pulled at my lips with one hand while my fingers worked to find the text she'd sent the night before.

"She texted me last night." I said quietly, and saw JC's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline at my admission.

"Seriously?" he asked, face twisted into a look of disbelief that I'm sure mirrored how mine had been last night.

"Yeah."

"What'd it say?"

Growing tired of talking through Plexiglas, I took the headphones off my ears and walked out to where JC was sitting at the soundboard. I showed him the text and watched as his facial expression changed from disbelief to confusion.

"She must have been drunk." He reasoned.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. It just seems like weird timing for her to send me something like that." I countered.

"I suppose. What'd you say back?"

I shrugged, setting the phone down, ignoring the feeling of disappointment that she hadn't texted me back.

"Nothing. I didn't know what to say."

"That's probably good." He said thoughtfully.

"Probably."

Silence fell around us as we both took in the conversation that we'd just had.

"Anyway...did you want to take a final listen to make sure you like it?" he asked, adjusting a few dials on the board.

"Sure. It doesn't have to be perfect. I just wanted to have a hard copy somewhere."

He played it back to me, hearing it again making me feel the exact same way I had when I'd first played it for her.  I didn't think it was a feeling I'd ever get rid of, no matter how things ended up between us.

"Sounds good. Burn it."

"You got it."

I yawned widely, stretching my arms up above my head. "You ready to call it a night?"

He nodded. "For sure."

As we walked back towards the room, I thought over the last time that I'd stayed in the same room with JC. It was when I was doing my first solo tour and was feeling weird without the other guys around. I'd complained about it one too many times to him and the next thing I knew, he showed up where I was staying and we went out for a night on the town with a few of the girls I'd picked up during Meet & Greet at the show that night.

Too exhausted to do much else besides change into pajamas, I crawled into bed and got comfortable.

Behind closed eyelids, I could tell when JC had hit the lights, the covers of the other bed being pulled back seconds later.

"Jayce?" I called out quietly.

"Yeah?"

"She knows I'm sorry right?" I asked tentatively.

"Yeah."

"You think she could ever love me again?"

I heard the covers rustle as he turned over to face me and I strained my eyes to see him in the dark.

I saw a shoulder move up and down in a shrug. "Honest?"

"Always."

"I don't think she ever stopped."

I breathed out a sigh of relief.

"So-what does that even--" I began.

"J-go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning."

"But..."

"Night, J."

"Hmph. Fine. Night, Jayce. Thanks for the help today."

"Mhmm..." he mumbled out, and I knew that sleep wasn't far off for him.

My eyes were heavy and I yawned again; sleep wasn't too far off for me, either.

*

"So, Wednesday night, I was thinking of maybe hitting Church Street downtown and seeing if Joey and Chris were available." JC threw out the next morning while we were eating breakfast.

I nodded my approval as I shoved another spoonful of cereal into my mouth. "Great idea." I told him through the mouthful of milk and Cheerios, a dribble of milk escaping out the side of my mouth.

"Got a hole in your mouth?" JC laughed, throwing a napkin my way.

"Shut up. Church Streets good. They still do those crazy drink specials?" I asked.

"Yep. And you know Chris never passes up good drink specials."

"So true. So Chris; party like a rockstar even when he's not one anymore." I joked.

"Glad you're in. I'll hit them both up later on."

"So where's the superstar?" I heard Johnny's voice bellow from the hallway.

"JC's in here." I called back, receiving a swift kick under the table from JC.

"There you are!" Johnny said, appearing in the archway of the kitchen, a bright smile on his face. Both JC and I scooted our chairs back from the table to greet him, getting wrapped up in giant bear hugs.

"It's been too long, boys." Johnny said, his grin never wavering..

"Yeah it has." JC responded, taking a seat in his chair again.

"We ready to get down to business?"

"Yes'sir. Got my masters all ready for you to take a listen to." I told him proudly, now more excited than nervous about getting him on board with putting out a new album. The look on his face and his attitude spoke volumes about how he felt about all of this.

"Well, I've cleared my schedule for the week for you so...let's make you an album!" he said enthusiastically.

"You haven't even heard my stuff yet." I said with a laugh.

He shot JC a look across the table and when I looked at JC, he ducked his head. "JC might have sent me over a rough cut of the two songs you laid down a few weeks ago. That was all I really needed to hear to be on board." He answered with a smile.

"You little..." I said, punching JC's arm.

"DUDE!" he yelped, rubbing at the spot. "I was only trying to help out."

"So, you knew when I called you what I was calling you about?"

Johnny nodded. "Yep. Known for a couple weeks. I was just waiting for you to be ready to come to me about it."

"Well, here I am." I stated with a smile.

"I'm excited to get started." He admitted.

"That makes two of us."

JC cleared his throat. "Make that three."

"Let's head on down to the studio then. Go grab your stuff and I'll see you two down there."

We both acknowledged him with a nod, taking our plates and putting them in the dishwasher.

*

Four hours later found us in Johhny's office, crunching numbers to figure out how much money I was going to have to front to get this thing started if I didn't have a label backing me. While it wasn't something that wasn't feasible, the numbers we came up with if I had a label backing me were much better.

I traced the pen over the numbers of what it'd cost if I did it myself, feeling my wallet tighten in my pocket.

"Well, while you may be ok with putting up all this money, I'm not ok with it. I'd really like to approach Jive and see what they say." Johnny said, eyes trained on the spreadsheet in front of him.

"I agree with Johnny here, dude. Distribution with Jive would be much easier than doing it yourself. Without the label, you won't get as wide of distribution as you're looking for."

"I know that. I just...I don't know how Jive is going to take this." I told them, uneasily.

"Leave those assholes to me. We'll figure something out." Johnny said confidently.

"And if they say no?" I asked, brow furrowing in thought.

Johnny continued, "then we move on to someone else. Capitol, Sony, Universal...any of them would probably jump at the chance to sign you."

"Not Universal. Madi's label is owned by them...too close." I protested. I saw Johnny nod out of the corner of my eye and he crossed out Universal on the list he had in front of him.

"Alright, just no Universal. I'm tired of this business stuff. Why don't we continue tomorrow? My schedule is clear for the first time in..."

"Forever..." JC interjected with a laugh.

"Probably. Why don't we just...relax? Have a few drinks by the pool, grab dinner at Roy's or something with Melinda and the old crew." Johnny offered up.

JC's and my eyebrows rose in suspicion. It seemed like a big trap to both of us. A big, fat ploy to corner us into his "you should get the band back together" talk. But I couldn't turn down dinner at Roy's...the place had such good food.

"Sounds great, Johnny."

*

As we suspected, Johnny, as well as Melinda and the rest of the WEG crew, took us to dinner and triple teamed us with the *NSYNC reunion speech. There were only so many ways you could say to a person that it wasn't going to happen.

At least not anytime soon.

Did we all want to get back together and do a little something, sometime? Sure. But nothing in the immediate future. I had a solo career to get started again.

The following day consisted of Johnny making phone calls to get a buzz going about me getting ready to put out another album, and to get a few radio stations on board who would play the single when we decided on what it would be. And while he did that, JC and I were in the studio laying down the versions of the songs that would go on the CD.

By the end of the day, my throat was raw and I was ready to collapse into bed.

Wednesday was more of the same. The local Top 40 radio station wanted an interview with me when I was ready for the single to go to radio and I promised them that they'd be the first. Since Orlando had been my "hometown" once upon a time.

At lunchtime, we finalized the plans with Chris and Joey to hit up the clubs downtown, JC and I more than ready for a break. Neither of us had worked this intensely in quite some time.

I came back to the room to grab my phone and noticed a CD jewel case lying on my bed. Scrawled on the front was the name of the song I'd written for Madison. JC had finally finished cleaning it up for me.

I looked through my text messages...sighing once again at seeing nothing new from Madison. She hadn't responded to my text and I couldn't help but feel disappointed.

Maybe she had taken back the text she sent me over the weekend and thought better of being in contact with me.

In truth, if that was the case, she was being smart. The only way we were ever going to move on was if we steered clear of one another.

But on the other hand...how did I know that we were supposed to move on from each other? What if we really were meant for each other and were supposed to give things another try?

Distracted during my afternoon recording sessions, JC and I called it an early day and got some sun before we needed to get ready to meet Chris and Joey.

I definitely needed tonight that was for sure. Booze, best friends, and lots of intoxicated women who would be more than willing to take my mind off of things.

Not that losing myself in a random girl would help things when I woke up in the morning but...the idea had some merit right now.

*

"A toast!" Joey yelled out, raising his plastic cup in the air. "To Justin and his new ventures."

"Cheers." We all said, smashing our cups together, splashes of the cold liquids raining down on us from being so clumsy, and maybe slightly drunk. Or more than slightly. Judging from the slur of JC's words, he was more than slightly.

We were having a blast. It'd been entirely too long since I'd seen Chris and Joey. I made a mental note to make this kind of outing a habit with us. No matter where we were in the states. It just needed to happen.

I excused myself to go and get us another round, stumbling awkwardly through the packed crowd at Chillers towards the bar. Dollar drinks all night long...it was genius. And it was also getting us all in trouble. We were sure to have hangovers from hell tomorrow.

We'd started off fairly slow, having a beer at dinner...but then Joey suggested Big Belly's new nickel beer night and we'd gone that way and downed too many pitchers of cheap beer. Now we were downstairs below Big Belly at Chillers...a way too small for the size of the crowd bar that had dollar drinks all night and frozen drinks that had so much alcohol that we knew none of us would be leaving sober.

"So you got the talk?" Joey yelled out over the music, taking two of the shooters from the plastic cup that I was holding.

JC laughed loudly, grabbing the shot out of Joey's hand and downing it. "Dude, totally cornered us with the whole WEG crew. It was totally unfair."

"I hear it all the time when I go over there for Nigels stuff." Chris added in with a roll of his eyes, swallowing back a large gulp of the frozen drink in his hand.

"I'd be up for it." I muttered, smothering the words as I tilted my head back with the Red-Headed Slut shooter pressed to my lips. I didn't even have to be looking at them to know the stares I was receiving.

"Seriously?" Joey asked, disbelieving.

I shrugged. "Why not? It's been long enough. It doesn't have to be right away."

"Please tell me you haven't told Johnny you've been playing around with this. Otherwise he'll tell you to forget the solo gig and make us all come back to work." JC groaned, making the rest of us laugh.

"It's just a thought I've been toying with. Nothing has to be figured out anytime soon." I defended.

"Well...yeah. This is too serious of a talk for drinking. And I see a blonde in the corner that has my name all over her." Chris said, leaving us immediately after with a wave over his shoulder.

"And then there were three..."

"Sorry to interrupt but...is there any way I could get a picture with you guys? I was your biggest fan back in the day, JC." A tall brunette interrupted, pushing her way between Joey and me to nab JC's attention.

"And, if you want..." she said, slinking up next to him and leaning into him, "...we could recreate that ‘Some Girls' video." She finished with a wink.

My jaw hit the floor and I felt Joey elbow me in the side, both waiting for what JC's response was going to be.

He gave her a smile that was sure to get her panties, if she was even wearing any under the tight skirt she had on, in a twist.

"I'm not sure you could handle it, sweetheart." He purred into her ear, and it took everything in me not to start laughing.

She pouted. "I thought you liked that kind of thing." She put some space between she and JC and crossed her arms over her chest, making her cleavage even more noticeable.

"I did. When I wasn't married." He finished off.

That seemed to shut her up and she mumbled out an awkward apology. "Could I still get a picture with you all?" she asked, this time a little bit more reserved.

"Absolutely." I told her, giving her my best Timberlake smile. She handed me her camera since I had the longest arms of us all and I snapped the picture of the four of us.

When she wrote down her number on the damp napkin that was around her drink and shoved it into my hand before she strutted away from us and back to her friends, I knew that the Timberlake charm hadn't gone anywhere.

"Still got it." I said with a wink at Joey and JC who responded with a laugh.

"DUDES!!!" Chris yelled from the other side of the bar, "COME JOIN!" He held up a full bottle of Tequila in one hand and plastic cups in the other.

With a chorus of groans in...three part harmony...we made our way to where he was, chatting up a group of girls and getting them all as drunk as he was. No wonder his reputation around Orlando was that he threw the best parties. I'd have to make sure to let him know the next time I was in town that way he could throw one.

2am rolled around too quickly, and the four of us stumbled out the front doors of Chillers, laughing too loudly and talking over each other about the events of the night. Comparing the amount of girls' numbers we'd gotten, we were all surprised when it was Chris who won out. We all joked that the reason for that was because he was still single and living in Orlando, and it was well known around town that Chris threw some kick ass parties.

Driving was definitely out of the question so we hailed a cab, throwing enough cash at the driver to be ok with carting our drunk asses all over the city of Orlando.

The cab ride was equally as raucous, Chris turned around in the front passenger seat, yelling at us in the backseat like we couldn't hear him. I turned to look out the window, watching the lights of downtown pass by as I listened to the meaningless conversations being had by my best friends.

I felt good. I felt alive. Most importantly, I felt like my old self again.

An hour or so later, the cab deposited JC and I in front of Johnny's place. We tiptoed inside, feeling like we were young again and having to sneak back inside because we'd come in way past curfew. I knocked into a plant, JC smacked into a wall and both of us couldn't contain our drunken giggles.

Finally making it back to our room, we closed the door and spoke in our normal voices. "Damn dude, I've got the munchies. We should have gotten pizza or something before we left downtown." JC said, rubbing at his stomach.

"Shit. Now that you mention it, I'm hungry too. What are the chances that Johnny has any junk food in this place?"

"We could venture out to the kitchen, I suppose."

I nodded in agreement. So after changing into pajamas, we tiptoed cautiously across the house to rummage in the kitchen. We managed to procure a few bags of chips and some ice cream, and grabbed a couple of bottles of water, hoping to head off any hangovers we might have in the morning.

After finishing off the food, we both laid in our beds, moaning about being full.

"I have the spins." I said with a laugh.

"Fuck...I do too." JC replied, laughing with me, his high pitched giggle making me laugh harder.

"Tomorrow's going to be a bitch."

"But so worth it."

"Definitely. I really needed a night like tonight." I told him, rolling over to reach to turn off the light.

"You seem really good, J."

"I feel really good."

"Good."

"Good." I replied, erupting into a fit of laughs all over again.

"What's so funny?" JC asked.

"I can't believe how much the room spins when I close my eyes. It's been forever since I've had the spins. What the hell do you do to get rid of them?"

"I don't even know. All I know is that the longer I keep my eyes closed, the worse it gets. Jesus...this is not any fun. I'm going to kill Chris for that Tequila when we see him tomorrow."

"Me too. We'll have a leprechaun ass kicking party tomorrow."

"Damn leprechaun."

"Seriously..."

*

I woke up the next morning feeling like I'd been run over by a truck. By a huge, long, 18-wheeler semi. And my body felt like I'd gone a hundred rounds with a pro-wrestler. How was it possible to be this sore from a night of drinking? What the hell had we all done?  

I hadn't had a hangover like this in forever. And now I remembered why I stopped drinking to the point of being completely shit-faced. I didn't want to do anything. The idea of staying curled up in bed all day long sounded wonderful. But I knew that with Johnny around there would be none of that.

My mouth was dry...and tasted faintly like I had licked the bottom of a toilet bowl. Gross.

JC groaned from under the covers that were thrown over his head. "Am I dead?" he asked quietly.

"No. But I wish to God I was right now." I answered.

"I say we fake sick."

I snorted. "Don't you remember how sympathetic Johnny used to be when we'd go out and get shitty like this while we were on tour?"

"Like, not at all, right?"

"Exactly."

"Well, screw that. We're grown ass men. We can have a sick day if we want."

I was almost about to answer when there was a loud banging on the door that had both JC and I diving under our pillows to shield our ears.

"Whoever that is...is going to die a slow, painful, death." JC growled out.

"Ugh."

The pounding noise continued until I called out for whoever it was to stop.

"Damn...you can quit now, Johnny. We'll meet you downstairs for breakfast in a few." Johnny's deep laugh boomed from the other side of the door. "Good morning, boys."

"Yeah...awesome morning." JC called back sarcastically.

Moving much slower than normal, we made our way to the kitchen, accepting the plates full of breakfast food eagerly. The chips and ice cream we'd eaten the night before had definitely not been enough to tide us over.

"Have a good night last night, guys?" Johnny said loudly as he came into the kitchen. JC and I both winced at the harshness of his voice, wishing that he'd realize how hung-over we both were and tone it down.

"Mhmm." We both mumbled out, eyes staring down at the plate of food in front of us. JC's head was propped up in his hand as he pushed his eggs around on his plate.

"Good. It's too nice to be inside, why don't we go eat out in the backyard?" he suggested as he walked to the table, plate in hand full of food.

JC and I shared knowing glances. Johnny did know how hung-over we were. And he didn't care. He never did. He knew that the last place we'd want to be was outside in the heat and the bright sunlight-the man likes torture.

"We think we'll stay here." JC finally spoke up.

"Took advantage of the specials on Church Street, huh?" Johnny asked with a laugh and we returned the question with a head nod.

"How'd you know?" I grabbed a piece of bacon from JC's plate and shoved it into my mouth before he could protest.

"You boys caused a stir." Johnny said, producing a copy of the Orlando Sentinel from his back pocket and throwing it on the table.

JC quickly grabbed it up, examining the headlines from the entertainment section.

"No shit?!?!" He exclaimed, reading it over.

Is *NSYNC, In Synch Again?, read the headline. Both JC and I chuckled, growing wide-eyed when we saw the pictures posted underneath. One was a picture of the four of us walking down the middle of Church Street, heads thrown back in laughter and me doubled over at the waist from whatever Chris had said. The other was of us in the middle of a group of girls, dancing around with drinks raised in the air, clearly enjoying ourselves.

"Something you boys need to tell me?" Johnny asked, peering at us over the rim of his coffee mug.

We both swallowed thickly, knowing exactly what this question was leading towards.

"No, Johnny." We replied simultaneously.

"Then can I ask what the hell you were thinking? Going out in such a big group like that? Especially in your hometown?"

I suppressed a laugh, suddenly feeling like I was 16 years old all over again and getting reprimanded for sneaking into one of the downtown clubs with all the guys.

"Honestly, it didn't cross our minds. Most people don't pay us all that much attention. Besides, the hopes for a reunion have died down."

"They might have died down before...but now you've all opened up a can of worms. I have half a mind to call Joey and Chris in here and--"

"J-man. Chill out. Nobody is going to pay any attention to that story." JC said calmly, tossing the paper to the side.

Johnny chuckled. "Tell that to the massive amounts of at replies Melinda and I have gotten on twitter since the story was printed asking about a reunion. And to the radio station that Chris frequently drops in on. I got a call from the morning show at about 7am wondering why Chris hadn't mentioned anything to them the last time he was in. You boys..." he trailed off, shaking his head and walking away. "Numbers are in my office on my desk. You're on damage control today. Do yourself a favor and tell Chris and Joey to get their butts over here too to help out."

"Lance is going to feel left out." I mumbled, pushing around the eggs left on my plate.

"Oh...he can get in on this. Call him up and tell him to take to Twitter. Though you're going to have to explain yourselves." He called out over his shoulder.

"That man has incredible hearing." JC said with a laugh, pushing his plate away from him. "I guess we're off the hook for the album today, though. Let's grab those numbers and go sit poolside and get some sun. We could use it."

Agreeing with him, I picked up my plate and put it in the sink and followed him through the house to Johnny's office. "So, where do we start? Twitter?" JC asked, grabbing the small stack of paper from Johnny' desk.

"Seems the quickest way to get word out to the most people."

"Well hey, at least we get some kind of a break." JC said thoughtfully.

"Yeah...I'm not sure I'd be any good in the studio today, anyway."

"Tomorrow then. And then after that...back to LA."

I almost groaned. I wasn't ready to go back to LA. I was enjoying being away from it too much.

"Right. LA. Maybe I should just buy a place here. I like it here. It's nice. And quiet."

"And then you'd have what? Five houses?" JC asked with a laugh.

"Four." I countered. "So...who gets to call Lance and tell him the news?"

"Definitely you. Besides, you're the one who had the crazy idea last night. Maybe you need to break it to him and see what he says."

"Ugh. I did bring that up, huh? Me and my drunk ass." I said with a laugh, recalling the conversation last night about getting together for a reunion.

"Hey, I already told you a while ago that I'd be on board if everyone else was and if we had some legit stuff to release."

"I know. I guess we should let Lance in on it then." I grabbed my phone from my pocket and dialed his number. "Here goes nothing."

This is critical
I'm feelin' helpless...

As the track played back through the system I felt goose bumps break out over my skin.

This was why I had decided to come back to music. This feeling right here. Adrenaline is pumping through my veins as I wait to hear the rest of the playback from the latest song that JC and I have recorded. So far, the album is coming along swimmingly. The same magic that JC and I used to be able to create in the studio hadn't left us...it was still very much alive and well.

Somethin's creepin' inside
everything is about to change
Gotta face the fact
that I can't walk away

That last line struck a chord in me, now realizing what a double meaning it held. This was a song that I'd written right after I came out of my haze...when I couldn't stop writing new songs. At the time, the lyrics were about Madison and not being able to live without her. Looking at it now, it could be taken as me not being able to live without my music...my one true passion in life that was always there for me when everything else faded into the background.

And it hadn't left. I was just ignoring its calls for a while.

JC bumped his knee against mine, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"What do you think?" He questioned, pressing the stop button on the track so we could talk.

I nodded, fingers toying with my bottom lip as I thought it over in my head. "I think it's perfect. Stick a fork in it...it's done."

He smiled at me, clicking the mouse of the computer to save the file. "So that's...9 songs so far?"

"Yep. I'm thinking I'll do twelve and add a bonus track."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Do you even have twelve songs written?"

I gave him a shocked look. "I'm appalled that you even asked me that."

Raising his hands in defense he said, "I was just making sure..."

"Yeah dude. I've got like 20 something written. Some old stuff that didn't make the cut on FutureSex, a couple random ones that I wrote when Madi and I were together..." I trailed off, leafing through a notebook that was filled with lyrics. "Any of them good? Or happy? I know the theme on this one is all heartbreak and getting back to you but...it couldn't hurt to throw one in there."

I glanced at the lyrics in front of me, unsure of whether or not I wanted to share this particular moment with the entire world or even with JC. It was kind of personal on a different level than the rest of the stuff I'd written was.

Let me, let me make a memory
let me take you slowly...
let me go deeper

My entire body went rigid as I read over the lyrics. Images of tanned skin tangled in stark white hotel sheets flashed behind my eyelids like a movie. Eager fingers pressing into hipbones and hands gripping shoulders tightly enough to leave half-moon nail marks in the soft skin they were digging into.

Jesus. I was suddenly really thirsty. And hot.

"I think I've got one. I just...let's take a break. Take 10 and come back to it?" I suggested, rubbing at the back of my neck, unable to even take my eyes off the page for one second.

*

The faint orange glow of the sunset was poking through the crack in the heavy curtain in the hotel room and I stared in disbelief, trying to figure out how we'd managed to sleep so long. True, we'd partied into the wee hours of the morning with the newlyweds-Amber and JC-and we were both incredibly drunk when we finally tumbled into the hotels huge king sized bed; but I hadn't planned to sleep this late. I had made reservations at the hotel's spa for Madison and me and then we were going to go out for dinner in the city. Guess the spa would have to wait until tomorrow I thought as I rolled over onto my side to face the still sleeping beauty next to me.

I propped my head in my hand and stared at her, my eyes flickering over every small detail of her face. The freckles that sprinkled across her nose when she had her summer tan, the long eyelashes that rested against her cheeks, her full pink lips parted slightly as she breathed in and out evenly. She was stunning...and all mine. A fact that I still hadn't managed to wrap my brain around.

A strand of hair fell onto her cheek and on instinct I reached out to brush it away, not wanting anything obstructing my view when she decided to finally open those gorgeous green eyes of hers and settle them on me. My fingers grazed the soft skin of her cheek, and she must have been more awake than I thought because at the touch, her eyelashes fluttered open and with her look my heart stopped in my chest.

"Morning, sunshine." I smiled at her, brushing her hair back from her forehead and pressing a kiss to it. She smiled softly at me, eyes sparkling, and I wondered if I would ever get used to her looking at me like that. When she looked at me like that I felt like I could do anything in the world. She stretched her arms above her before curling into my side again, nestling her cheek against my shoulder. "I think it's way past morning, babe." She said quietly, her lips planting themselves against the skin of my neck.

"You're right. We slept a little late."

"You wore me out." She giggled, her fingers digging into my hipbone as she rolled over on top of me. I wound my arms around her waist to keep her pressed against me and smiled up at her when she began placing feather light kisses all over my face and chest.

"Seems like you're asking to be worn out again." I mumbled out, gripping her sides tighter when her roaming mouth took itself down my stomach to the waistband of my boxers. She pushed her fingers between the elastic of my shorts and my skin and looked up at me, eyebrow quirked. "Maybe I am."

Her hands pushed inside my shorts, attempting to slide them off, and when her fingers tickled the tops of my thighs, I growled and grabbed onto her wrists to stop her movements. She squealed when I flipped us over and hovered above her. "You're going to be the death of me, Mads." I told her with a wink.

I pushed myself up from above her and moved to stand at the end of the bed, pushing my boxers to the ground. She leaned up on her elbows and watched my movements, shallow breaths escaping through her parted lips when I dropped back down onto the bed at her feet. My lips found her ankle and I pressed a kiss there, switching to the other leg and mimicking the movement. She giggled and I assumed that it was tickling her.

I let my eyes travel up her body and smirked when I met her eyes, enjoying the look of desire I saw in them at our light play. I began kissing up the length of her calf, only stopping when I heard her breath hitch in her throat when I planted my lips behind her knee and let my teeth graze over her kneecap.

She giggled and I stopped my ministrations to look up at her. "Something funny?" I asked, quirking my eyebrow.

"Are you planning to do this much longer? ‘Cause I kind of want you."

I planted another kiss on her opposite knee before answering. "You're like a map baby...I gotta study you...learn all the peaks and valleys on your skin so I know how to navigate."

This time she laughed loudly, gripping at my shoulders and hauling me up her body. "You're such a dork." She said with a squeal as I pinched her side. I gave her a wide, cheesy grin as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and pulled me down on top of her. "But you love me."

"Hmm. I suppose I do." She teased, rubbing her nose against mine in an Eskimo-type kiss.

Stretching the extra inch or so between us, I captured her lips, moving mine against hers, my body igniting at the sigh she let escape into my mouth. I would never get tired of the way she tasted. Or the way she felt against my body. She was made to fit against me like this. I lowered my full weight onto her, crushing her chest against mine, feeling my heart beating faster in my chest as I thought about where this was heading. Even though I'd had her hours earlier...my body was insatiable with desire when it came to this woman beneath me.

She hiked her legs up around my waist and ground herself against my groin, a purring sound flowing out of her mouth as she did so. I tore my lips from hers, attacking the exposed skin of her neck, nipping at it.

"What'd you say about ‘maybe' wanting me?" I asked breathlessly as she swiveled her hips against mine again.

She didn't answer me at first so I pulled on the top of the cotton tank she was wearing to expose her breast, and leaned in to lick at the distended bud when it presented itself. She moaned, fingers diving into my shorts curls and gripping tightly, keeping my head in place.

I chuckled against her chest, raking my teeth over the reddened peak, and feeling the tips of my ears burn at the sounds she was making from what my mouth was doing to her.

"Did that maybe change to a yes?" I mumbled, licking across her collarbone and up to her ear.

"God yes." She moaned out, arching into me, offering herself to me. My fingers traveled down her sides to the elastic of her boy shorts and I peeled them off slowly, tossing them to the side once her legs were out of them.

"What do you want, baby?" I asked, fingers finding the warmth between her thighs, testing to see if she was ready for me. Her eyes opened and met mine, her normal dark green eyes near black with lust. "Please..." She begged, rotating her hips against the hand that was between her legs. "Please what?" I whispered into her ear.

"I want to feel you..." She admitted, the tone of her voice deep and husky.

"Your wish..." I began, removing my fingers from her and trailing them up her body. "...Is my command." I finished as I slid into her, my entire body breaking out in goose bumps when I felt her wrapped around me. "God, I love you." I mumbled, gripping her face between my hands and placing a bruising kiss against her lips.

"You don't even know..."

*

"Sure, we can take a break." JC's voice cut into my thoughts. I had completely forgotten what we were even doing right now.

"Good." I replied, my voice coming out a little bit strained. "I need some air."

He gave me a strange look when I stood up and retreated from the studio quickly. I made my way to our room, changing into a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, before heading out to the basketball court in Johnny's backyard.

I needed to get out of the house, get some air, and let the humidity fog my mind enough to forget about what seeing those lyrics again had made me remember. Not that I had forgotten, or would ever forget, for that matter.

Once outside, I shot around a bit, finding that playing wasn't helping to clear my head at all. If anything, the deafening silence of the outdoors made me get more inside my head.

Just what I needed, right?

Whatever the reason, I have no idea what made me get my phone from the bench next to the court, but here I was, contemplating calling her. It was probably the last thing that I should be doing right now. And even though I knew this, it didn't stop my fingers from dialing her number.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

Four...and the voicemail finally kicked in.

"Hey this is Madison. I'm currently unavailable. If you need me, you know what to do."

I sucked in a breath to calm my nerves while I waited for the beep.

"....Hey Mads. It's me...err...Justin. I guess I don't really need you, exactly. Well, I do but...yeah. Anyway...I'm not even sure why I'm calling you. I just...me and Jayce are in the studio and I...I came across this song and it reminded me of that weekend after JC and Ambs wedding when we..."

My face flushed...what on earth was I even saying right now? I coughed. "Right...you don't really need me to bring that up. I'm sure you remember. How could you not." I almost smacked my forehead with my palm. I needed to hang up before this went on any longer. She was going to think I was drunk. "Sorry that was...inappropriate. But true. Dammit...I..."

...was interrupted by the beeping noise alerting me I was out of recording time. I listened to the options, having every intention of deleting it and recording something a little less rambling sounding, but instead of choosing that option, I pressed the button that sent it ASAP. The recorded voice let me know that my message was delivered and I growled into the phone.

Of all the dumb things to do...

I rolled the basketball under the seat on the side of the court and plopped down onto the pavement and laid back. Despite the sticky temperature's from it being the end of July, the pavement was cool and felt good against my skin.

I really wondered what even made me have the balls to call her like that. Maybe I had officially snapped and was just fooling myself into thinking that I was getting better when in reality I was only getting worse. Where was the good doc when you needed him? I could use a swift kick in the ass for what I'd just done.

My phone began ringing from the spot beside me and I picked it up without a glance at the caller ID.

"Something tells me you're drunk." She said with a nervous giggle.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly at the sound of her voice, caught completely off guard that she had called me back.

Shit. Now what am I supposed to talk to her about?

I returned the laugh. "I only wish I was. You weren't supposed to get that. I was trying to delete it instead of send it. And it somehow got sent priority. You know me and technology."

Another laugh. "I sure do. No worries. It was entertaining."

"Thanks."

Silence stretched. Not entirely awkward but not entirely comfortable, either.

"So...what prompted the call?"

I stared up into the sky, one arm stretched upwards, tracing patterns in the stars. "What I said in the message. I was thinking about JC's wedding weekend."

"And decided you needed to remind me of the...umm...events?" I could see her cheeks coloring even over the phone. "I figured I'd share the burden."

"What did JC say?"

"About?"

"The song?"

"Oh...he hasn't seen...at least he didn't...I sure didn't tell him anything." She giggled and I felt my heart skip a few beats. I could almost see her nose crinkle up the way it used to when she'd laugh like that; it was adorable. "And you don't think he wouldn't take a look at them after you left?" She pointed out. I smacked my palm against my forehead knowing she was right and I suddenly wished I had brought the notebook outside with me.

"Good point."

Awkward silence over the line...I swear I could hear the crickets chirping. Then again, I was outside so maybe they really were chirping.

I coughed, attempting to fill the silence.

She sighed.

"How's Florida?"

"How'd you--?" I began.

"Ran into Amber at the store the other day and she told me JC had gone out to Orlando to meet you and Johnny."

"Oh...it's...really good, actually. I think this may be my best stuff yet." 

A breeze blew, rustling the trees around me and I breathed in, realizing how content I felt in this moment. While my initial intent when I came out here was not to call Madison-it was turning out to be a pretty good idea.

"I got your text. About the song. I'd love to-dammit, can you hold on a second?"

I heard a male voice in the background and fought the urge to groan at his impeccable timing-way to ruin the moment, douchebag. What was his name again? Ty...Sky-something. Not that it was important, anyway. His name could've been Justin and I'd still think he was a douche.

"Sorry, Skylar-I'll be there in a minute." She said exasperatedly-and I could tell that she was annoyed by whatever he had been asking her.

"If you have to go it's..." I began, raking my hand over my face to mask my annoyance at Skylar and his rude interruption.

She sighed. "I'm sorry, Justin. I'll-can we talk soon?"

Everything in me was screaming that it was probably a bad idea to keep in contact with her-that I just needed to finish the songs on this album, put it out for the fans, and let this whole part of me go. That was the healthiest route for me to go.

Leave it to me to go with my heart and ignore what my head was saying...

"Sure. You can give me a call whenever you're free, Mads." I let the nickname slip without a thought and tensed up when she was silent for a few seconds.

"I'd like that." She finally said, a smile in her voice which caused a smile to break out on my face.

"Me too." I admitted quietly. "Talk to you soon."

"Goodnight, J." With that she hung up.

I don't know how long I laid there with my phone still pressed to my ear, and it wasn't until I heard footsteps coming towards me on the blacktop of the basketball court that I even realized I was still in the same position.

"Dude, what are you doing on the ground?" JC appeared above me, bent over at the waist and looking at me upside down. I sighed, setting my phone next to me on the ground and pushing myself into a sitting position. "Making bad decisions." His head cocked to the side in question. "You didn't?"

"Yep."

"Aww, dude."

"I know. But it was a good talk." I tried to reason. "About what?"

I smothered the smirk I felt about to break out on my face. "Your wedding night." His eyes almost bugged out of his head. "My-oh God. Why would you bring that up?"

"You read my lyrics, right?" I asked, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. He looked guilty. "I did when you took off."

"That night is where those lyrics came from."

"Oh."

"So it was kind of on my brain."

"I see." I let the silence stretch between us, going over my goodbyes with Madison. We'd ended on a good note-with a "talk soon" instead of the looming question of whether or not we'd be in contact again. "Well, when you're ready to get up off the ground-head into the studio, I laid down a pretty good melody to go with those lyrics of yours."

"Yeah?"

He pressed his lips together, fighting back a smile. "Yeah. Might've been reminiscing a bit about Amber and me." I grinned. "You miss her?"

"Like you wouldn't believe. I think this is the longest we've been apart from each other since we got married." Sensing I wasn't ready to go in just yet, he popped a squat on the ground next to me. "I can't imagine how we'll work things out when we go on tour."

"We?" I questioned, a bit confused.  "Sure...we're getting the band back together after you're touring with the album, right?" I was shocked into speechlessness. When had he decided he wanted to start the group up again? The other night out with Joe and Chris, he had seemed to just laugh it off. "You're serious?" I asked after he hadn't made a joke of it.

"Why not? It'd be fun" He replied with a shrug of his shoulders. "And besides, what else am I going to do once this season of ABDC is over?"

"Amber's going to flip." I chuckled, remembering back to my first meeting with JC's now-wife.

*

"Do you mind if I bring the girlfriend?" JC questioned. My eyebrows rose in surprise at my friend and the fact that he'd just used the word ‘girlfriend' to describe someone. "Don't look so shocked." He said with a chuckle.

"...I'm not?" I said, raising my hands in defense.

"Yes, you are." He replied, picking his napkin up from the table and swiping at his mouth with it.

"With good reason. The last time you called someone ‘girlfriend' was in song." I joked and he punched my shoulder, making me drop the French fry that was in my hand.

"Har har...well, I like this one; she seems worthy of bringing her around for an intro to everyone." My eyes rose from the bottle of water in my hands to meet his. "Oh God. This is serious." From the smile on JC's face to the small sparkle in his eyes, I knew it was. "You know you don't have to ask." I finally said.

He smiled at me after taking a sip from his soda. "I figured I would since it's your birthday party and all."

"Just tell her she owes me a shot."

*

"Amber, these are the guys-Joe, Lance, Chris...and the birthday boy." JC yelled over the heavy bass line playing in the club, introducing "the girlfriend" to us. She seemed to be frozen in place, statue-like. "Nice to meet you." Lance drawled out. Joey didn't bother to wait for a response and instead wrapped her up in a huge bear hug...typical.

When she still didn't say anything I looked at JC strangely. "Is she mute?" Chris asked with a chuckle. JC stood staring at her with the same look I had. "Amber, honey?" He asked, his hand on the small of her back. Her eyes darted back and forth between the five of us before she let out a squeal-high pitched and teeny sounding; one I don't think any of us had heard in forever.

"Ok, who let the teenager in VI--" Madison interrupted, coming to stand next to me, drinks in hand. "-P." She finished when her eyes landed on the seemingly star-struck girl in front of us. "Charity case?" she mumbled under her breath to me; I, in turn, elbowed her in the side. "JC's girlfriend." I supplied, and her eyes widened at me.

JC gave an apologetic smile to us before he muttered something into Amber's ear, and then promptly turned and disappeared into the crowd. "Oh God, he needs more help than I thought." Madison groaned out before lifting her glass to her lips to take a sip of the clear liquid in it.

"I think she's a fan." Joey laughed, plopping down onto the sofa behind him. "Definitely." Lance agreed, his arm resting on the back of the sofa behind his date for the night.

"Babe, why don't you go find JC and Amber? Maybe she just needs some womanly advice on how to handle being introduced to the sexiest men alive." I suggested, chuckling a bit, only half joking. She got up from my lap and turned to stick her tongue out at me. "Aren't we cocky?" She asked with a smirk, eyeing the rest of the guys. "I just don't see it." She said with a shake of her head, strutting off and leaving us.

"Ouch." Chris said, his hand clutching his heart. "She's only kidding. She really had pictures of us all plastered in her room."

"Even JC?" Joey asked. "That would just be weird. I don't think I'd like having to stare at my cousin all the time."

"Or maybe she just said it was me." I went on thoughtfully, taking a sip of my beer before setting it on the table.

"She's cute." Lance spoke up.

"Madison? Duh." I said with an eye roll and he shot me the bird.

"No. Amber. Despite the...minor squeal." He laughed.

"I trust C's judgment. If he thought she was worthy of bringing her around us then she can't be all that bad."

I nodded in agreement with Joey but tuned out the conversation after, my eyes instantly finding Madison in the crowd of people on the dance floor. A smile tugged at my lips when I saw her next to Amber and JC, laughing over something and clearly enjoying herself, and I felt myself being pulled towards them. I excused myself from the group and headed their way, maneuvering through the crowd until I was next to them. I wound my arms around Madison's waist and pulled her back tightly to my chest, my hips swaying along with the beat of the music. She looked over her shoulder at me, a bright smile on her gorgeous face, and she winked. "Justin-this is Amber. Amber-meet Sexyback." She introduced us, again, and this time Amber extended her hand and actually spoke.

"Hey!" She said cheerily. She lifted the glass of the pink colored drink she had to her lips and took a sip. "I am so sorry about earlier. I don't think it had set in that the guy I'm dating had been in my favorite band in middle school."

"That makes me feel so old." JC chuckled, wrapping his arm around her waist. "Did you forget he was in *NSYNC?" I questioned, fighting back a groan when Madison dipped her hips and rubbed against the front of me.

"Kind of. Ya'll have been gone so long it just slipped my mind." She joked, eyes lighting up when JC kissed the side of her forehead.

"Aren't they cute?" Madison whispered over her shoulder to me. I nodded-cute indeed. Watching the two of them, I couldn't even remember the last time I'd seen JC like this with a woman-if ever, actually.

The song changed to one with a much slower beat and I spun Madison around to face me. "We're still cuter." I told her with a grin before dipping her dramatically. She squealed when she thought I was going to drop her and clutched onto my back tightly. "Justin Randall--" She threatened, her use of my middle name causing me to laugh. "So help me, if you dropped me...you could forget about your birthday present that's at home."  My brows furrowed. "Why is it at home?" I questioned.

She gave me a sexy smirk before she reached up on her tip toes to whisper in my ear. "Because I think I would get thrown out of the club if I tried to give it to you here." The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and I fought everything in me not to drag her out of the club right then and there.

She caressed the back of my neck with her nails and I shivered from it; then she spun around to face Amber and JC, grabbing onto Amber's hand and dragging her away. I gave a look to JC and all he could do was smile back at me. "I think Mads just made a new BFF." I said with a laugh, eyeing the two of them as they made their way to the bar.

"What do you think?" JC asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he too watched the girls ordering their drinks from the bartender.

"She seems good for you." I told him honestly, throwing an arm around his shoulders in a friendly gesture. We made our way back towards the VIP area, picking up the girls on the way. "And, if you're happy, then I'm happy."

He looked over his shoulder at Amber as we neared our table and reached back for her hand. "I'm happy."

*

I watched JC's fingers type away on his Blackberry, the smile on his face giving away who he was texting. "You ready to go back in?" JC asked, getting up from the ground and stretching. I nodded, getting up as well. "You know, Jayce, I could just as easily record stuff back in LA as I can here if you're ready to head back."

He smiled sheepishly as he shoved his phone into his back pocket.  "You sure?"

"I've gotta go back sometime."

"Alright then, we'll finish up those last two songs we were working on and then head back this weekend."

We headed back inside to the studio and I plopped down in the leather chair in front of the soundboard, looking over the notebook in front of me with the melody JC had written down for the song. "I'm gonna head to bed, J." He told me, scratching at the back of his neck. I looked up from the pad of paper to watch him leave. "Alright. I'll be along in a bit. I don't know if I've told you lately but...Thanks for everything, Jayce. You've been awesome."

"Glad to do it." He said with a smile. "Just, when you sell a million copies of this CD, remember you owe me half of what you make."

"That'll be the day." I replied as he walked out the door. A million? Was he serious? I was hoping to sell even a quarter of that.

But, I could dream, right? 

******

Song credit: "Critical"-Nick Jonas

                  "Let Me"-Matt Morris

Everything is in between...

It's the elephant in the room
and we pretend that we don't see it.
It's the avalanche that looms
above our heads but we don't see it...

"Mr. Chasez, is it?" the TSA officer asked, glancing at JC's drivers license.

"Yes. Is there a problem?" JC questioned, eyeing me warily.

"We'll need to pat you down. We're not exactly sure what is making the metal detector go off."

His eyebrows rose. "It was going off? I didn't hear anything."

"Yes. Right this way. Charlotte over here is going to inspect your things." Complying with the officer, JC and I followed behind her to where Charlotte was waiting. At seeing her, JC turned to me with wide eyes and all I could do was chuckle. I think we were both expecting some manly looking, female TSA officer and to say we were wrong was an understatement. Charlotte was hot and I had to suspect that JC wasn't going to mind getting patted down by her.

After inspecting JC's duffel bag, she pushed it out of the way and took her wand off of her belt, giving him a devilish smile as she did so. "Hello, Mr. Chasez." She said breathily, bending over to run the wand near his shoes and then up his legs. The tips of his ear turned pink and I fought the urge to laugh again. This was entertaining.

He glared at me at the sound of my chuckle and flipped me the bird. "Something funny, J?" He asked. Charlotte's eyes cut away from him to me and I stifled my laughter with a hand over my mouth.

"Not at all." I replied, eyes twinkling with mischief. His finger pointed at me accusingly.

"Please don't do what I think you're going to..."

I shrugged innocently before giving him a wide smile. "J...don't even..."

"Is there something I should know about?" Charlotte interrupted, her hands halting on JC's chest as she looked at me to figure out what was going on.

To torture him or not? I pondered, smirking slightly when I thought about the amount of times the guys and I would pull pranks on JC because he was the easiest to get. "Nah...we're good." I saw JC visibly relax and he gave me a silent thank you with a nod of his head.

"You're all clear, Jay-I mean Mr. Chasez. Have a nice flight." She turned a 1000 watt grin on him, tossing her blonde hair over her shoulder and patting his shoulder lightly as he leaned over to pick his duffel bag up off the floor.

"Thanks." He muttered over his shoulder as we began walking away.

"So Jayce-that was some girl that gave you the pat down back there." I joked and he nodded mutely. "Looked like you were enjoying it, too. What would the wifey have to say about that?" I continued on.

"Shut up." He said in warning.

"That was like the time when we were in Germany and that one officer had to check you out because Chris said something about you carrying drugs. What was her name? Gilda?"

"Hilda." He corrected, clearing his throat, and then-"are you sure it was a she, J? I thought we concluded that it was a dude."

"With red lipstick?"

"I don't know. Those were not woman's hands that inspected..." he said, trailing off with an embarrassed cough.

I clopped him on the back. "Hmm...maybe you're right."

"Thanks for sparing me this time."

I shrugged. "I figured I'd give you just this once to not be humiliated in an airport. You're lucky you were with me and not Chris. I don't think he would've been so nice."

JC laughed and headed towards the Starbucks line. "Remind me to get his clown-ass back the next time we're in an airport together."

"Sure. I'll even help you come up with the prank."

The short line to order coffee shuffled forward and JC put in his order with a star struck girl who was probably in diapers when the first *NSYNC album came out. Nonetheless, I was being surprised more and more each day at how many people still recognized and cared about who he (and I), were.

We got our drinks and headed towards the gate in silence. My head was swimming with a million different thoughts that were going in a million different directions. As soon as I got settled back in LA, I needed to make a phone call to Dr. Bard-I had a few things on my heart that I wanted to run by him. I was suddenly struck with the thought that I actually liked talking to the guy. Scary. There was about an hour until the plane was scheduled to take off so JC and I found a spot next to an electrical outlet and plugged ourselves in.

While JC pulled out his phone and began an irritatingly sweet conversation with Amber, I toyed around with some different beats in Pro Tools, trying to figure out something for one of the songs I had written after FutureSex had come out.

And now that I can see mistakes so clearly now
I'd kill if I could take you back...

I frowned...apparently I'd been foreshadowing my own life and mistakes with Madison when I'd written this song. Maybe I could add this one as the bonus track. I opened up my notes document and added the song to the list that seemed to be growing every day. At this rate, I was actually going to have to pick songs instead of struggle to write or find enough to make the album the right length.

Before I knew it, JC was tapping me on the shoulder and gesturing towards the gate agent. I sighed, not really even sure that I was ready to go back to Los Angeles just yet. What if things weren't different when I got back home? Sure, I'd made a lot of progress in the few weeks I was gone but...the wrong thing could happen and I could be sent spiraling back into darkness. Guess that was something else I needed to talk to Dr. Bard about--my worry that this feeling of getting better was something short-lived.

"Ready?" JC asked as he handed his ticket to the agent.

 "As I'll ever be." I replied, following him through the door.  We walked down the jet way, JC's phone pressed to his ear as he said last minute "see-you-later's" to Amber; and try as hard as I could to ignore it-I felt the familiar pang of jealously creeping up on me at hearing their exchange. I wanted something like they had. I glanced at JC as I heard him giggle, the corner of my mouth tugging into a smile when I saw the look on his face-this love thing looked good on him.

It usually looked good on me, too.

We stepped onto the plane, stopping almost immediately as we waited for the other passengers in front of us to get seated-moving slowly but surely. Lucky for me and Jayce, we were in first class. Once the person in front of me was out of the way, I ducked into our row, shoving my bag under the seat in front of me before plopping down into the leather upholstery

"I miss you more..." I caught JC say for about the third time in a row and I stifled a groan. Could they be any more sickening?

"No seriously..." He began.

"Yes, seriously!" I muttered out, rolling my eyes in his direction so that he'd see me, and he waved me off with a flick of his wrist, turning the other way.

"Love you, Ambs...I'll be home soon." He said lovingly.

"Love you more..."

"OH MY GOD!" I groaned, reaching out for the phone so that I could just hang it up already. "You hang up...no you hang up. You're like teenagers."

Finally hanging up the phone, JC reached out and thwacked the back of my head with his palm. "Jealous much?"

"Nauseous much?" I retorted. "If you two talked any longer I was about ready to use the barf bag."

He frowned and pointed towards the seat pocket in front of me. "There's one right there. Feel free."

"Ass."

"Don't you worry, J. You'll find someone and then you'll be the one doing that."

"God help me if I do." I groaned, getting situated in the seat and stretching my legs out in front of me as far as they'd go. Even in first class I felt like there wasn't enough legroom. "If this album does well, I'm buying a damn private plane." I mumbled, fishing my phone out of my pocket to turn it off. My eyebrows furrowed when I looked at the screen and saw that I had a text message. From Madison. When had she sent--

"I'll go halves with you." JC joked, turning off his own phone. "Something wrong?" He asked, seeing my expression.

"Madison sent a text saying to ‘fly high'. Huh."

"Well that was nice." He offered.

"Nice but...odd."

"Why? Didn't you guys end on a good note the other night after you talked on the phone?"

I worried my lip between my teeth, flipping my phone over and over in my hands while I processed what her text could possibly mean. Of course my head went to the extreme and thought it was her way of reaching out and saying she was ready to try again. But really? All it said was "fly high" and that could've just been her being nice. Whatever was going on...this in between of not being friends or being friends or being more was confusing...and it made my head hurt to try and figure out.

But is there really anything to figure out at all? My head argued with itself. God, this was getting tiring. Ever since our phone call the other night I'd analyzed and over-analyzed the hell out of every single part of the conversation. So much so that my thoughts were just in a constant circle of the same exact thing-round and round they went until I was dizzy from it all.

I'd come to the conclusion (more than once) that it was best to just forget the whole thing. And then I'd think about what my life had been like with her, in the beginning stages when I was happy and still working and we were perfect, and argue that I could just feel things out and let the chips fall where they may.

And there I go talking (or is it thinking?), in circles again. I just wanted things to get better-no matter what that meant.

"Flight attendants please prepare for take-off." The voice of the captain broke into my thoughts and I quickly grabbed the flight attendant as she was walking passed our row. "Ma'am, could I get a pillow?" I asked, flashing her a quick smile. She returned it and nodded yes before reaching into an overhead bin and grabbing one for me.

"Naptime?" JC questioned, resting his head against his seat back. "Yeah...wake me when they come around for snacks."

"Sure thing, dude. Night night." With that, I situated the pillow as comfortably as I could under my head and stared out the window as we took off, the ground and buildings below all but disappearing into blackness as the plane ascended into the night sky.

*

There was an annoying poking feeling in my shoulder and I opened my eyes from my sleep to glare at the person doing the poking. "Snacks already?" I asked quietly, stretching my arms above my head. JC's head turned from the computer screen in front of him to look at me. "Yeah, almost. They're getting the carts out now."

"Is that Justin I hear?" I heard Amber's voice ask from the computer.

"Yep. He's awake." JC replied, turning the computer towards me so I could see the screen.

"Are you two seriously using face time while you're in the air?" I groaned out, suddenly wishing I had another pillow to block out the sound of JC talking to his computer. Amber beamed at me from the screen.

"Hi Justin!"

I squinted at it and waved awkwardly. "Hey girl."

"Thank you for returning my hubby in one piece." She replied, the smile on her face almost cheek splitting.  I felt my stomach turn. Hubby? Seriously? I glanced at JC with my eyebrows raised but he ignored it, going back to whatever conversation I had interrupted.

"We were just talking about joining the mile high club. Got any pointers?" Amber asked with a giggle.

I thought over it a moment. "Yeah...don't."

"You said it was successful." JC pointed out and I shrugged.

"I lied. It's impossible."

"I'm flexible." Amber chimed in and JC gave a low whistle.

"That you are."

"Okay, ew. I don't want any part of this conversation. Nice seeing you, Amber. I'm sure I'll see you when we land." With that, I switched positions and angled myself so that I was facing the window, adjusting the pillow under my head again. I was grateful that it was dark outside and that I could leave the shade up to just stare out into space.

I drifted off to sleep again, the sound of JC and Amber's conversation in the background.

*

"Babe, I'm freezing. Can you get in my bag and get my Cubs snuggie out?" I asked, moving my head from its position on Justin's shoulder. He made a face at me. "I am not dragging that thing out of your bag."

I pouted. "Please?"

"How about I warm you up instead?" He said with a wink, the hand that was on my knee moving up to squeeze my thigh playfully.

"And how do you intend to do that?"

"We're the only two up here in first class, sweets. I say we take advantage of that." Knowing exactly what he meant, he pulled my lower lip between his teeth, eyes shifting about our surroundings nervously. "Madiiiiii..." Justin breathed into my ear, just before capturing my earlobe between his teeth and raking them over it. I shivered but didn't respond verbally. "C'mon baby. Let's become the latest members. I don't think I can wait ‘til we touch-down in New York. Especially after how you left me in the hotel room this morning."

I giggled and leaned into his touch when he brushed his nose along my jaw. "Meet you in the back in five." I whispered, angling my neck to give him better access.

"Jesus!" I yelped as I was pulled out of my thoughts by the shrill ringing of Skylar's house phone. I glanced at where the phone was in proximity to me and then back to the computer, cell phone, and books piled around me and decided to let the machine pick it up.

"Babe, I know you're there...pick up...I've already tried your cell three times...where areeee youuuu?" I couldn't control the rolling of my eyes. "Anyway, don't eat yet, I made reservations and I'm on the way to pick you up. See you soon." My stomach rumbled in appreciation and I was shocked when I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was nearing 7pm. Where had time gone? Hadn't I just sat down to start work an hour ago? Had I really been that zoned out that I'd only managed to read through the first page of an artist contract?

With a sigh, I closed up my laptop and books and set them on the coffee table before standing from the couch to stretch. Another dinner with Skylar where I would have to put up my façade and pretend that everything was alright. I was tired of faking it and wasn't sure just how much longer I could. And wished that I didn't have to.

Damn Justin coming back into my life. Why couldn't I have been stronger and just stayed away? If I had, I wouldn't be in this position-walking on eggshells around Skylar and so confused about which way was up that I could barely think straight most days. It was exhausting and I just wanted it to end.

*

"Where'd you go?" Skylar asked, interrupting my thoughts. I shook my head and shrugged helplessly in an attempt to apologize for zoning out on him mid-sentence, again. It was happening a lot lately. My head seemed to be a constant flow of thoughts that never made any sense and questions that I was no closer to answering than I was when they'd first popped up in my mind.

"You're doing that a lot lately. What gives?"

I swiped my fingertip along the rim of my wine glass, stalling for time, my eyes not meeting his. "I just have a lot going on."

He snorted, a disbelieving kind of sound and I turned my eyes towards his in shock. "That's bullshit and we both know it. When are you going to start being honest with me? With yourself?"

I took my wine glass in hand and swirled the liquid around in it. "I don't know what you're talking about. Work has been running me ragged, and helping my sister plan her wedding..." I finished off the red wine as he interrupted me.

"...and you and Justin talking again." I nearly spit out the liquid in my mouth with that. How'd he even know we had talked again? Did I even want to know? I swallowed thickly and averted my gaze as he cut into his steak angrily, his brown eyes stormy and his brows knotted together. "It's not what you..."

"Sure it's not."                                                                                                        

"How'd you know we were talking again?" I asked, picking up the bottle of wine in the middle of the table and refilling my glass.

"You were in the shower when he text messaged you the other morning and I was curious as to who was texting you so early so, I snooped." He popped a piece of steak in his mouth and chewed quickly, his jaw clenching with each bite down.

"You looked at my phone?!" I shrieked.

"Would you be quiet!" He hushed.

"You had no right to invade my privacy like that, Skylar." I said angrily, leaning over the table in closer to him.

He snorted. "Obviously, you feel like you have something to hide."

"Like what?"

"There's something going-you know what? I can't do this anymore, Madison." He slid his chair back from the table, stood, and dropped his napkin down on top of his plate. I jumped up the second he turned to leave the restaurant, the chair scraping across the hardwood floor and causing everyone to turn and look in my direction; not that they hadn't been looking before, but...

"What do you mean?" I called out, not really caring that we were causing a scene, only that I wasn't entirely sure what exactly was going on right now and Skylar was the only one who could explain it. He pushed through the door and I followed through right after and almost ran into his back when he stopped abruptly on the sidewalk.

"You haven't been yourself for weeks. You've been distant, angry, mopey...we haven't had sex in a month!" His brown eyes blazed into mine with a fierceness that I hadn't detected in the dim lighting of the restaurant.

"Shhhh..."

"So you're not denying it?" He asked, crossing his arms over his chest as he waited for my answer. I shifted back and forth on my feet nervously. What was happening? Was this the end for us? Did I want it to be? The fact that my head didn't immediately shout out a definite "no" to that one was all the answer I needed.

"No, I'm not denying it." I spoke quietly, my chin to my chest, finally giving into the confusing thoughts and ideas I'd been entertaining for the past few weeks...months even, if I was being completely honest with myself. Ever since my run in with Justin at the grocery store, I'd been thinking what it would be like to be with him again.

"Are you going back to him?" The question was simple but I couldn't answer it. Not because I was afraid of his reaction but because I really didn't know. Did Justin even want me back? After everything that had happened between us, was it even possible? I shrugged, not knowing what else to do. 

"How could you even want to after how he treated you?" Skylar shoved his hands into his hair, pushing it back off his face and let out a frustrated sigh.

"You have no idea what my relationship was like with him, Sky..." I was surprised that I was quick to jump to Justin's defense even though, for the most part, Skylar was right.

"You're forgetting that I put the pieces back together for you." He mumbled out, turning away from me and stomping off towards his car. The doors unlocked and he yanked the driver's side open and got in, slamming it right after. He barely waited for me to get in before he was pulling out into a lane.

"Jesus...are you trying to kill me?" I barked, pulling my seatbelt into place.

"No."

Deafening silence stretched between us as he navigated the streets of LA back to his place, where my car was. He parked the car in the garage and I followed him into the house mutely, trying to remember exactly what I had stored at his place so that I could pack it up as quickly as he needed me to.

In the kitchen, he grabbed a beer from the fridge and seemed to drink it all in one big gulp. I only stood at the end of the breakfast bar and stared into space, my brain still unable to comprehend what was going on. I winced when the glass bottle hit the bottom of the metal trash can, the sound breaking the silence. "What do you mean, you can't do this anymore?" I questioned, my tone hushed as my eyes followed his form walking around the bar to stand in front of me. He reached his arms out and rested them on my shoulders, leaning forward to touch his forehead to mine. On instinct, my hands fell to his waist and rest on his hips. His jaw clenched and unclenched and he swallowed harshly, his eyelashes fluttering closed-the sight breaking my heart. What was I doing?

"I can't be in love with someone who clearly doesn't love me back." He whispered. Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes and I wanted nothing more than to be able to fight him on this...to be able to say something to prove him wrong. But the words were failing me, getting stuck somewhere in the back of my throat.

"Sky, I..." I said thickly, blinking back tears when he opened his eyes and settled them on me. "Please don't..."

"I do...love you..." He pulled back and searched my face, shaking his head sadly and dropping his arms from my shoulders. "But not like you love him."

I hung my head, the tears flowing more freely now, and I thought to myself how incredibly awful it was that I was crying over this when Skylar was the one I was hurting. He turned from me without a word and began heading towards the living room. I stared after him, not knowing if I should follow or just leave. "You know..." He called out, his voice hoarse, "...I wish I could say that I was mad at you." I appeared at his side in front of the fireplace where he was looking at a picture of the two of us. I picked the frame up and traced the lines of our smiles...we looked happy...I looked happy. Why couldn't I just be with Skylar and forget that Justin and I ever existed...and be happy like the girl in the picture? Why had that changed?

Because Justin and I did exist...and I would always love him-no matter what he put me through.

I wiped at my cheeks angrily, ridding them of my tears and leaned my head on his shoulder. "I wish you'd be mad at me, too. I know I deserve it. You didn't deserve any of this." I said with a sniffle. He wrapped his arms around my middle and turned me to hug me to his chest. "I feel like you wasted my time...like I was just the middleman between you and Justin breaking up and you and him getting back together."

"But you weren't! I wanted to be with you-you're an incredible guy, Skylar. Any girl who walks away from you is an idiot."

He grunted. "You are."

I dug my face into his chest, not able to look at him any longer, and he rested his cheek against the top of my head. "And I completely admit that I'm an idiot. You're the perfect guy--"

"Just, not the perfect guy for you." He finished, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. I felt a hot tear slide down his cheek and land on my forehead. He wiped it away quickly and stepped back from me. My heart was breaking-for him and for the insecure girl inside of me who was still so unsure of what leaving Skylar could mean and for not knowing where I stood with Justin.

"I'm so sorry." I choked out with a sniffle.

I gathered my things quickly, barely able to look at him as he watched me move about the room collecting the various items I had left at his place over the past few months. He was leaned against the doorframe of the front door and watched as I pulled out of the driveway.

A hot tear stung its way down my cheek and I brushed it away angrily as I straightened the car and drove away-not chancing a look back at the house.

My heart was beating out of my chest. What was I doing? If leaving was the right thing to do, then why did I feel so awful?

Let It Rain

"All the hurt that's been stuck inside of me,
make it pour, make it bleed
Let the rain wash me clean..."

"Convince Madison to sign Justin to her label." Lynn was saying on the other end of the line while JC was adjusting settings in his Logic program.

"You can't be serious." JC stated, wondering if he'd heard her right. Lynn was known for meddling in Justin's business before but he wasn't sure that this particular situation needed it. He had a feeling that given a little bit more time, things between Justin and Madison would work themselves out. Then again, a little push couldn't hurt, right?

"Just run it by them, Josh." Lynn pleaded.

JC laughed. "They're going to see right through it. I like where your heads at but...I just don't see either of them going for it."

"If Madison knows what's good for her label, she'd really consider it."

"Oooh...I like that. That's dirty. But I also know my cousin. She's going to go with what's best for her heart first and foremost."

Lynn sighed. "I was afraid of that. Do me a favor. Bring it up...the worst they can both say is no."

"I guess you're right. Johnny and I are getting together early before Justin comes in to record. We'll talk it over."

"JC, I don't think I've said it but thank you for being there for him. There's probably a thousand other things you could be doing with your time but you've dropped everything to help get him back on his feet. You two have always had a special relationship, and I'm glad to see that time apart hasn't changed it. He's lucky to have you." Lynn's eyes filled with tears that she chocked back to stop from falling.

"It goes both ways. He's saved me enough times; it was my turn to step in." JC told her honestly, hitting the save button before he closed out of the program. He was set to head over to Johnny's office across town and talk about ideas on labels to approach.

"Well, whatever the reason...thank you. I've got to meet with some friends for lunch but let me know how things go!"

"Alright Lynn! Talk to you soon!"

*

JC headed into Johnny's office, prepared for Lynn's idea to get slammed by Johnny. "So, Lynn wants us to plant an idea in Madison's head about signing Justin." He told him when they were seated comfortably around the small conference table. Johnny didn't look the least bit surprised by the suggestion.

"It could work, I suppose. Universal has the kind of pull we need. Even if we just leaked it that he was thinking about signing with Universal, I think Jive would probably throw their hat in the ring." This is why Johnny is where he is, JC thought, admiring the man across the table from him. The same guy that had started his own career so many years ago.

"Not a bad idea. You think we should give Madison a call before we talk to Justin?" JC asked, spinning his cell phone in circles on the table. "Why not." Johnny said with a shrug, leaning back in his chair and crossing his left ankle over his right leg. "Let's see what she says."

JC's upper lip twitched into the faintest hint of a smile as he picked up the conference phone in front of him and dialed Madison's office number.

*Madison's office

The phone was ringing. Again. Didn't that thing have an ‘off' button on it somewhere? I swear I'm going to just unplug it today. It's been nonstop, all day. And all I want is a little peace and quiet. Is that really too much to ask for?

I recognized the number as Johnny's office and out of sheer curiosity, I picked up.

"Johhny! To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Two very male voices laughed, one laugh much higher pitched than the other. "Hey Cos'..."

"Hey Madi! How are things?" JC asked cheerfully. I hit the speaker button and placed the phone back in its cradle, turning back to my computer to finish typing up the report I'd been working on.

"Good. Busy as usual. What about you guys? Busy plugging away for Justin's album, I assume." I flinched when the question rolled off my tongue as easily as it did.

"You bet. It's coming along great! You should come on over and listen in on a session sometime."

Like hell. That was the last thing I needed to do right now. I was confused enough as it was after breaking up with Skylar and feeling as lost as I did; I didn't need to add seeing Justin to the mix.

"Mmm...I'll think about it." I replied quietly. "So, was there a reason for you guys calling me today?" I pressed, knowing that something was up between them other than calling for small talk.

"Uhh, actually..." JC hesitated, "Madison, what do you think about signing Justin to your label?"

I remained silent for what seemed like minutes, trying to figure out what on earth had made them think up this insane idea.

"...you're joking, right?"

JC pondered it for a moment. "No. I'm completely serious. The new sound he's got on this album would be a perfect addition to the label's roster."

Laughter bubbled up from my throat that I couldn't stop and I began giggling uncontrollably. "Something funny?" he asked.

"You have officially lost it. And I see right through you. This is some ploy to get Justin and I back together somehow. This has the markings of a Mama Harless scheme all over it."

He faltered, almost. "Not at all. It's something Johnny and I talked about."

"Right. Even if that were true, I really don't think it's a good idea. Especially if I'm the one pitching the idea. Though I suppose Universal would probably make the ultimate decision on it."

"So what are you saying?" JC prodded, already feeling a victory. If Madison said yes, then Justin would most definitely be a shoe-in.

I rolled my eyes. He couldn't possibly think that I'd actually contemplate this. "I'm saying...let me think on it a few days." I winced when the words were out of my mouth. "That's a really awkward position to be put in. Did you and Johnny think of that when you devised this little plan of yours?" I questioned accusingly.

"It wasn't meant to be anything personal. But we figured that if we were to go with an indie label, you'd be offended if we chose someone else." He said, trying to cover his tracks.

"No. I'd actually prefer it. Who else are you looking at?"

JC hesitated, eyes glancing up worriedly to Johnny, who was sitting across from him listening to the exchange. "Uhh...well..." he began.

"Really, Jayce? You haven't picked anyone else out, have you?"

He scratched at the back of his neck. Looking helplessly at Johnny, he finally chimed in. "Hey Madi--we've written down a few different places, but we wanted to be sure to give you the opportunity to jump on signing him first."

I huffed, growing impatient. "Like I told JC, can you give me a few days to think it over? I just...this puts me, not to mention, Justin, in a really weird spot." I twirled the phone cord around my finger, doing anything to distract myself from the thoughts I was having about signing Justin to the label. Seriously though, what were JC and Johnny thinking?

They weren't. Simple as that. And I didn't believe for one second that Mama Lynn wasn't in on this as well. She and JC had probably devised the plan and then dragged Johnny into it as a decoy. I smirked. It wasn't going to work. When, well, if, Justin and I ever got back together, it wouldn't be because people were meddling and pushing us to be. It had to happen naturally.

And us getting back together was a big if. There was still so much that was unresolved between us; too many things that needed to be talked about and fixed before we could even think about being friends, let alone lovers.

Did I love him still? Sure-a piece of me always would. But I still wasn't sure just how deep that piece went and how big it was. I'd lost a lot of myself after our split and I was weary of that possibly happening again. A lot needed to change if I was going to trust myself and my heart with Justin again.

And there went my head again. It had been doing that a lot lately. Rambling thoughts that were constantly flowing through my head-all about Justin and my feelings and our relationship, or non-relationship.

"Alright, that's understandable." Johnny's voice broke me out of my dizzying thoughts. I'd almost forgotten I was on the phone with them. "Take a few days, think it over, and get back to me. You know how to reach me."

I suppressed a sigh, wishing that they'd just drop the whole idea. "I do. Take care, Johnny. Jayce-when you see Amber, tell her we'll do lunch sometime this week."

"Alrighty. Later gator."

"Bye Madison!" Johnny said, hanging up right after.

I sat there staring at my phone in disbelief. I had half a mind to call up Lynn and find out what was up but I wasn't ready to have any kind of conversation with her right now. It would only prove to confuse me even more.

*

A few days later, I was in the middle of jamming out to a demo CD that had been placed on my desk that morning, when my jam session was interrupted. I hate this phone, I really do. This past week I've been tempted to send it for a flying leap off a cliff and into the ocean. Things around the office had gotten insanely busy, and while that was a good thing and helping to keep my mind off of confusing things, I was in need of a break. I wondered how many people would notice if I just slipped out for the rest of the day and hit up the beach? The ringing on my office phone stopped and then my cell phone started. Whoever it was was desperate to get a hold of me.

"Madison Martin." I answered, faking a smile. When no one answered on the other end, I glanced at the phone to make sure that the call hadn't been dropped. Nope, still connected, and the number displayed made my eyes widen in disbelief. A number I knew and was growing more and more used to seeing pop up in my recent calls/texts list.  

"Justin?" I asked tentatively.

"...hey." He greeted quietly.

"Uhh...is everything ok?" I was worried, he was acting different than he had the other night that we'd talked and my mind raced with what he could be calling for-especially while I was at work. It had to be huge.

"Oh. Yeah. Absolutely." He answered.

"Ok. So...what's up?" Now all I was, was confused.

"Yeah, sorry. I just wanted to run an idea by you."

"Shoot."

"Actually, it's JC and Johnny's idea..." he began and in the instant he uttered those words, I relaxed. "I've heard the idea." I interjected.

"Seriously?" he asked, a surprised tone in his voice.

"Yep. They called me the other day."

"You've got to be kidding me. I told them to give me a few days to think about it before they talked to you."

I laughed. Of course they'd come at both of us at the same time. "I told them to give me a few days, too. They listen well, huh?"

"Yeah..."

"So what're you--"

"Do you think--" We both began at once, laughing when we talked over each other.

"I think it's a bad idea and it puts both of us in an awkward position, but if getting signed here is something you're really interested in, then we can figure something out." I reasoned, really trying to put aside any personal feelings I felt and look at it from a professional standpoint. For my label, and for Universal, signing Justin would be a great idea. I just couldn't get past how weird it would be for the both of us.

"No, no. I completely agree. I think they're both nuts for suggesting it."

I snorted. "You can add your mom to the list of those needing to be put into a loony bin, then."

"Hey! Watch what you say about my momma!" He said, half offended.

"You know I love your mom. But she's totally the mastermind behind this."

He laughed. "You're probably right, sadly. Ugh. My own mother, plotting against me."

"Yeah. It's terrible. The fact that they dragged Johnny into it is even worse." I said with a shake of my head, resting my forehead in my palm.

"I just don't understand the reasoning behind it, you know? I mean...manipulating us is just wrong."

"It worked though. We're talking." I said with a miserable laugh.

He sighed. "God, you're right. I hate them. But what's the point in them trying? I mean, I think I've finally gotten to a place where I'm ok and I'm happy..."

My eyes widened and I felt the words clear down in my toes-they stung a bit. While it was selfish, half of me was wishing that he was still pining over me.

"And they both know you're in a serious relationship that you're happy in so...I just...I don't get it."

"We're not." I spit out before I could stop myself.

"Who's not?" Justin questioned, confused.

"Me."

"What about you?" Even over the phone, I could tell his brow was knitted together in confusion.

"And Skylar."

"What does he have to do with signing me at the label?"

"Not the label." I replied with a huff. God, why wasn't this coming out right?

"I'm SO lost here." He admitted helplessly. That made two of us.

"We broke up!" I finally blurted out.

Silence stretched on his end and the longer it took for a response, the more nervous I became.

"...oh."

"Oh?"

He was quiet again and it was getting increasingly awkward the longer it took for him to say something.

"So, we both just tell JC and Johnny that exploring other options is the best idea."

Even though it shouldn't have, his completely ignoring what I'd just told him broke my spirits a bit. I wasn't sure what kind of response I was expecting. Then again, I hadn't intended on telling him myself that Skylar and I called it quits. I figured that JC would find out and then it would get passed on down the line.

"Right. Just...tell him that you thought it over and...yeah. Other options." I said distractedly, wanting more than anything to just end the phone call so I could lock myself in my office and bang my head against the wall. Me and my stupid mouth always getting away from me. He was the only one who could fluster me like that and make me completely lose my cool.

"Ok. Sounds good. Glad we're...on the same page."

"Uh-huh."

"Talk with you later."

I placed the phone back on the receiver, staring at it with wide eyes.

What just happened?

*

"Johnny, I want to go to Jive with my stuff." I told him when I met with him for lunch. He didn't appear too surprised by the statement.

"Are you sure?"

"Aren't you?" I questioned, taking the menu from the waitress when she presented it to me. I browsed it quickly and set it down. I wasn't all that hungry. Since mine and Madison's conversation the other day I'd been distracted. So she was single now. So what? What did that really mean for her and me? Was I supposed to pursue her now like I'd planned to before? Try and be her friend? I wanted her in my life-I knew that without a doubt-so why was I struggling so hard with where her place in it was now?

Partially because I couldn't get a feel on whether or not she wanted to be there. Things were so awkward with us.

"...I've already got the meeting with them. They seemed to be excited."

I tuned back in to our conversation and my ears perked. "Really? How much groveling am I going to have to do?"

Johnny laughed. "Not much. They're hurting right now for someone big to come through. And they know you'll produce."

I felt my palms start to sweat and it had nothing to do with the fact that we were sitting outside in the direct sunlight and it was hotter than hell in Los Angeles today. It had everything to do with the fact that I was completely terrified and unsure of how this album was going to do. Everything was riding on my first single-I guess we'd go from there.

"I hope so."

I received an eye-roll that made me laugh. "You need to stop worrying. I have every confidence in you that this album is going to do well...no matter what label it comes out on."

I handed my menu to our waitress when she came by to take our order and took a giant gulp of the water she'd set it front of me. All this talk was giving me a serious case of dry-mouth.

"So, when's the meeting?"

With a glance at his watch, he checked the time and then looked back to me. "Oh, they should be arriving shortly."

I suddenly felt like I was going throw up. Had he seriously just sprung that on me? I wasn't anywhere near ready for a meeting with them. I hadn't brought anything with me and...fuck. I was going to blow this.

"Didn't you hear what I said? Stop worrying. I've got it taken care of. I sent them your first single last week. They loved it."

"But..."

Johnny just smirked at me and I fought not to throw my glass of water at him out of frustration. "You're sneaky."

"No...I just know you. And I knew that if I'd told you beforehand that you would've freaked so I just handled it for you. I'm your manager, Justin. It's my job."

"I feel like I'm fourteen all over again." I said as I slouched down in my chair and folded my arms across my chest. "With that face, you look it too." He joked. I fought the urge to stick my tongue out at him.

"So what's your argument?"

He shrugged, the picture of calm and collected, like usual. "They need you. Plain and simple."

"That's going to work." I said with a snort. Johnny huffed and cut into his salmon. "Just let me handle it."

"Whatever you say-you're the boss man."

"You're damn right. I'm not letting them walk away today without a contract on the table."

He sounded so sure. Which I suppose is a really good thing considering that I'm...not. I know that what I've got to offer is good, and Johnny does too. But are the men I walked out on a few years ago going to feel that way? I guess we'd have to wait and see.

I wouldn't have to wait too long, it appeared. Just as the waitress was refilling our drinks, a man approached the table. Johnny and I both stood and shook hands with him, and I was hoping that he couldn't tell my palms were severely sweating.

"Good afternoon, Mark." Johnny greeted.

"Johnny, Justin." He said before sitting down.

"Let's get right to it, shall we. I've got a lot to do today and not a lot of time to do it in." Mark, the one who had been my A&R guy since I'd gone solo with Jive began.

"Absolutely. No reason to beat around the bush. What's it gonna take to get Justin back on your label?"

Mark's smirk was almost evil but he stifled it and let a fake smile appear instead. "As you can assume, the way Justin left us before left a salty taste in our mouth and we're a bit hesitant to bring him back on in the event that he changes his mind again."

I couldn't help but wonder how different things would've been if I'd have just stuck with them; not run out on my contract renewal. Would I have stayed on top? Would Madison and I still be together or would the pressures of both of our busy schedules have pulled us apart?

"But Justin...why?" she questioned. I felt my shoulders slouch over. "I'm worn out Mads." I said tiredly. "I need a break from all of this. From juggling the five thousand different things that I do day to day to keep my career alive."

"I thought you loved all that." She said quietly, worried green eyes searching mine.

"I do, but I love you more. And I'm not willing to sacrifice time with you just so I can conform to the timeframe that Jive wanted me to put my albums out in. It's too much in too little time. I just need to take a step back. I've been going non-stop forever. *NSYNC went on hiatus, I put out Justified and as soon as we figured out that it was successful and that I'd do ok on my own, I hit the ground running and haven't stopped since. I really haven't had a reason to.

And then you showed up and knocked the wind outta me and made me realize everything I was missing while I was out chasing all these dreams..."

"You're good at that. It's good to have dreams, Justin; to go after what you want." She interjected, grabbing onto my right hand which I had been cracking the knuckles of.

"What I want right now...is you." I told her honestly, not breaking our eye contact and one corner of her mouth lifted into the faintest smile.

"I told you I'm not going anywhere."

"You say that now but...you didn't know me when my life was so hectic that I barely had time to breath. I'm scared that if I had signed their contract and agreed to the terms they set for me, that you'd take that back-that you wouldn't be able to handle it."

"That wasn't for you to decide. I could handle it. We could've made it work. Do you have such little faith in us and where we are in our relationship?"

"Of course not. I just...the thought of losing you terrifies me and so I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen." I reached up to cup her cheek and she leaned into the touch. "I don't know how I got so lucky to have found someone like you and I keep thinking that at any moment I'm going to wake up and you're going to be gone."

She put her hand over mine and squeezed. "Listen to me-I'm not going anywhere. I love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you--" She froze and snapped her mouth shut. One side of my mouth turned up into a smirk. "Oh do you?" I asked, leaning in quickly to peck her lips. She shoved me away playfully and fought a smile.

"As if you didn't know that already..."

"...hmm. I might've had an idea. But I like to hear you say it." I gripped her hips in my hands to pull her towards me again. "I love you, Mads. I don't want anything to get in the way of that." I tucked her hair behind her ears and closed the space between us, capturing her bottom lip between mine. My heart rate picked up and I felt her tiny gasp at the contact. Her lashes fluttered open and she looked up at me with stars in her eyes. That look right there, and the feeling I had right now made me more than sure I'd made the right decision.

I needed to stop wondering. I was here now and more than ready to fight to make Jive sign me again.

"What if he can't handle all the pressure and the time he's going to have to put into making a comeback?" I tuned back into what Mark was saying and jumped in when I heard that.

"I can." I would not sit there and listen to him try and tear me down. "I'm well aware of what needs to be done, Mark. You know my work ethic just about as well as Johnny does. We wouldn't have set up the meeting if I wasn't ready to bust my ass to get back out there."

I know I was supposed to let Johnny do all the talking in this but, I felt the need to defend myself. I'd never been one to let someone else talk for me and I wasn't about to start now just because I was worried about blowing this meeting.

"He's ready, Mark. You've heard his stuff. It's really good. And I think it's just the kind of music that the scene needs right now. Everything is so overproduced and...fake. Every song on Justin's album is as raw and real as it gets. It'll be a breath of fresh air for everyone."

I hadn't thought about it like that before, but Johnny was right. While I was writing the music that was in my heart, I was also doing something different than what Top 40 radio was playing right now. And the fans would either eat it up or reject it. The first single would test the waters and see if I would sink or swim.

"Why do we need him?" Mark asked, looking bored as he fished in his briefcase for something.

"Simple-you don't have anything else. You've got an under-producing boyband and a pop princess who's one headline away from crazy town again."

My eyes widened at Johnny and I had to cough to cover up the laughter I felt in my chest. Mark's face was equally as shocked before he, himself, let out a chuckle.

"Even I can't deny what you just said. I've heard some of what you've got, Justin, and I'm impressed with it. The guys back at the studio are too. We're willing to sign you on for three albums. After those three, we can discuss further terms. What do you say?"

It can't be that easy. That's what I have to say. But this is Mark...the guy I've worked with since I was 20 and coming off of the worst break-up of my life. And Johnny's right next to me and he wouldn't get me into something that doesn't smell right.

"I say-draw up the paperwork. We'll swing by later to read over and sign everything later on today." Johnny told him, extending his hand out to shake.

After Mark had left us, I just stared at Johnny in shock.

"It's all really happening again, isn't it?" I asked, a hint of a smile on my face.

"I told you we could do it, kid."

*

(3 weeks later-Madison's place)

The rain is coming down in buckets and all I can do is stare out into it, completely lost in the swirling thoughts in my head. How had everything gotten so ass backwards? At this very moment, Justin is doing an interview with the #1 Saturday night radio show in the country about to premiere his new single-he's finally back doing what he's meant to do, what I fought for him to do so passionately about when we were together-and I can't bring myself to congratulate him or go out tonight for the celebration that the guys are throwing for him.

Isn't this what I'd wanted for him? For us? For both of us to be doing what we loved, and be successful, and be together. I guess that's what was missing. The together part. Since I'd dropped the bomb about Skylar and me breaking up, I hadn't heard much from him other than a text to say that he'd signed with Jive again and a half-hearted invitation to come join him and the guys tonight to party.

I just want someone to hand me the answer. Tell me what to do because at the rate I'm going...I honestly don't know if I'll ever figure it out on my own.

"This is the Saturday Night House Party and you're on with KIIS-FM...we've got a big surprise for all our listeners tonight. Tonight-we're world premiering the new single from the one and only, Mr. Sexyback himself, Justin Timberlake. And we've got a few friends of his in the studio to help kick off the show."

I reached to turn up the sound on my iPod dock and leaned my head back against the rattan chair I was sitting in on the porch. Even if I couldn't bring myself to go out and celebrate with him tonight, there was no way I was going to miss this.

"Joining us right now we've got Mr. Chris Kirkpatrick himself...what's going on, dude?"

"I'm bringin' sexyback..." Chris imitated and the DJs in the studio laughed, and also managed to get one out of me. "You know, I was the one who came up with that saying."

"Which is why you still drive a PT Cruiser."

"Don't hate on the hearse."

By the time the DJs finally got around to playing a song I was in tears from laughing so hard. And in a much better mood than I had been before the radio show had started. A few songs later, they came back and the laughing hadn't subsided. Chris always was the joker of the group-the one to count on when you needed a pick-me-up. "I believe we have a friend of yours joining us tonight."

"That's curious."

"Why?" The DJ asked, confused.

"I don't have any friends. Everyone only wants my money."

"I'm pretty sure this guy has more than you."

I snorted. Yeah...it wasn't hard to have less money than Justin. Though he never flaunted how much he had, it was safe to say that if he never worked another day in his life, he'd be ok.

"It's not hard to do." Chris responded, taking the jab with a laugh.

"Boybands don't pay well?"

"Man! Where were you when creampuff was suing us? I almost lost the thousand dollars I made."

I giggled. "Creampuff...now that's a new one." It seemed everyone in the studio was laughing just as hard as I was. Chris was the perfect person to have on to introduce Justin and his new song. He broke the tension that I'm sure was building and he'd serve as a good buffer if any hard questions were thrown at Justin during the interview.

"Creampuff? Did you ever meet the guy? It totally fits."

"I've seen pictures."                                             

"I shudder to think about that man and what he's doing to the poor guy he's sharing his cell with in prison. I hope he never drops his soap."

More roaring laughter, so loud you could barely hear anyone talking.

"Okkkk....moving along from that mental image..." said one DJ after the giggles had subsided.

"Agreed....and nowwwwww, the world premiere of Justin Timberlake's new single ‘Sing'...enjoy it. It's gonna be a hot one!"

From the first note I was hooked. The DJ was right...this was going to be a hot one. It was different than his other stuff...but incredible nonetheless. When the chorus came in, goose bumps broke out over my skin and by the time the song ended, there were tears streaking down my cheeks. He was so talented and how anyone had let him stay away from his music for so long was a crime. I suddenly felt bad that I hadn't pushed harder for him to get back into it. Maybe I'd given up too easily. Or maybe if I'd pushed harder things would've turned out that much worse for us. 

But I'd never know. And I'd drive myself crazy if I thought of all the ‘what ifs' in this situation. All I knew was that he was back where he belonged and I was incredibly excited and proud of him for everything he'd accomplished so far and for everything that was about to come his way from this.

The song was over all too soon and I knew I'd be rushing to iTunes the minute it went on sale to buy it.

"Here's the man of the hour...everyone welcome JT!" The people in the studio whooped and clapped and whistled loudly and I couldn't contain the grin on my face. I knew the smile on his face right now was lighting up the place and I wished I could be there to see it.

"Wow, dude...that was awesome!" Chris enthused.

"Thanks." Justin said quietly, and I knew he was probably blushing. "Man...why couldn't you write stuff like that for *NSYNC?" He asked with a laugh. "I'm totally not bringing this subject up with you on the radio, dude." Justin replied.

Writing for *NSYNC? Was Chris serious? Oh man...all the time around Johnny had definitely gotten to him. I'd talked to JC enough to know that Johnny had the conversation with them about a reunion while they were in Orlando. Not that I'd mind if they did...not that anyone would really mind if they did.

I couldn't think about that right now, though. This time was definitely Justin's time to shine, again, and I didn't want anything to take away from it. Not even *NSYNC reuniting. 

"So Justin, when's the album set to come out? We heard that Jive's actually distributing it?"

"The album's finished, we just picked all the album art so everything is getting sent off to production in the next week. The official release date is May 15. And everyone listening tonight is the first to know-we're doing an album release show at The Knitting Factory May 14 so make sure you mark your calendars. I think tickets for that are going on sale in a week or so."

"You heard it first, folks. Look out for when those tickets go on sale...we're sure they're going to go quickly."

"Let's hope so."

"Justin, what do I have to do to get a ticket?" Chris asked and I could picture him bouncing in his chair with his arm raised high.

Justin laughed, the sound making my heart beat wildly in my chest, and more gorgeous sounding than I remembered it being. "You're not invited." He joked.

"I know your security guard, dude. And I can kick his ass."

"You're 5'7 Chris, and Mike is...well...taller. And about 300 pounds..." Justin chuckled.

"...you're point?"

"I'd pay to see this fight. Hey Justin, maybe they could be your opening act or something." The DJ suggested.

"OH MY GOD!" Chris yelled out. "YES! That's the greatest idea I've ever heard. Tell Beefy to bring it on!"

They're absolutely insane. And I love them for it. I've laughed more tonight just listening to the radio show than I have in...I can't even remember.

Their laughter faded into background noise as another song came on the radio and I leaned over to turn the volume down. I'd heard all I needed to for now.

*

*Mood Nightclub

I glanced around me at everyone who'd shown up to celebrate my single coming out and couldn't help but feel like the luckiest guy alive. It was only a short while ago that I'd locked myself away in my house, refusing to talk to anyone and I couldn't  fathom the idea of having a song on the radio...but it felt light years away. The person I was felt light years away from who I am now. It's a good feeling. I'm the happiest I've been in I don't know how long and I'm surrounded by the greatest group of friends a guy could ever wish for.

We'd toasted to my single and my victory with getting Jive to sign me again, and to us for staying friends through it all.

There was talk about a reunion, like there always was whenever Johnny was around the five of us. Too much alcohol was consumed. Chris got crazy with a bottle of Johnny Walker and Joey hit on one too many women for being the married-with-kid's guy he was. Lance was getting hit on left and right by gay boys who claimed they loved "boybanders" and JC and Amber were posted up in the VIP lounge, sipping on champagne and being the ridiculously gross, PDA couple.

And me...I'm just enjoying it all.

For the most part.

Chris set a shot glass down in front of me and forced me to take it even though I'd already had enough. "You looked like you could use another one." He yelled over the heavy bass pumping through the club's system. "No I didn't...you're just the only one still taking shots." I replied, scooping up the glass and tilting it to my lips. I didn't even wince when it went down my throat...I think it was too numb from all the other stuff he'd made me take throughout the night.

"Ya'll are just old." He poured himself another one and took it back instantly. I let my eyes wander over the patrons in the bar and couldn't stop the sigh from escaping.

She hadn't come. Not that I really expected her to but...I felt like she needed to be there. She had been just as big a part of my coming back as anyone else. She deserved to be celebrating just as much as me. And if I'm being honest, I wanted her there because somewhere deep down inside I knew that if she was, then everything would feel like it was back to normal.

I really didn't want to do this thing without her. Could I do it? Sure. But I'd rather have her around to enjoy it with me than not.

And what was the hold up now, really? There wasn't anything in our way. Skylar was out of the picture. Sure, there were a few things we probably needed to talk about but...I think now's the right time to give things another go. It just feels right.

"Hey Chris...there's something I've gotta go do. JC drove, right?"

Chris looked at me quizzically. "Think so. What's up your butt?"

I smiled at him and punched his shoulder. "I just have somewhere that I need to go."

"You're going to her, huh?" He asked and I nodded in return before I pushed my way through the crowd at the bar to get to JC.

"Jayce..." I called out, interrupting the conversation he was having with Joey and Amber.

"What's up dude?"

"You good to drive?" I asked, nodding towards the beer in his hand. "Of course. I haven't been down there taking shots with Chris." He joked.

"Good. We're going for a drive."

"Oh God...you're not gonna do this drunk, are you?" He questioned, already fishing the keys out of his pocket.

"I'm as sober as I can be right now. I just...I need to get to her. Now."

"Alright, alright, Romeo. We can head out. Amber-I'll return shortly." He told her, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Good luck, Timbs." Amber yelled out with a wink as we headed down the stairs and out to his car.

Luck. Yeah. I was going to need it.

*

*Madison's house

I blew out the last candle on the coffee table and grabbed my book from it, ready to call it a night. The whole place was dark, the only light coming from the lightning from the storm. It was still raining like crazy and I'll admit that I was excited to curl up in my bed with the sound of the rain hitting my windows.

I was halfway up the steps when my doorbell rang and I nearly dropped everything I was holding.

"Who in the hell?" I questioned, turning around and descending the steps carefully in the darkness. I peeped through the small hole and felt my world tilt on its axis, my book dropping out of my hand and hitting the hardwood floor with a thwack.

My pulse quickened. What the hell was he doing here?

He shifted nervously from one foot to the other and chewed on his lower lip.

I was baffled and unsure as to whether or not I should answer and then a clap of thunder hit that made him jump and I suddenly remembered that it was pouring rain.

Shit. I'm going to have to find out what he wants. It was so like him to do this to me. Get me all rattled and frazzled and then he'd more than likely pull the rug from under me about something. I just needed to get it over with-stop wondering.

I yanked the door open and attempted a smile; all that came out was a squeak when I saw how wet he was.

"Justin, you're drenched." I gasped as I stared, wide eyed at him standing on my front steps. His t-shirt was sticking to him like a second skin, the cuts in his stomach prominent behind the material and making it impossible for me to take my eyes off of. He licked his lips, not doing anything to change the fact that raindrops were falling on his matted curls and trailing down his cheeks, only to fall off his chin.

He shrugged and looked behind him, waving at the black SUV in my driveway. "We had the single release party tonight. I missed you there." He said, the fire in his blue eyes almost melting me to the core and making it hard for me to think in full sentences. "I'm sorry. I just...things are so different now and...it didn't feel right to go."

"Well, it didn't feel right without you, either." He told me honestly, blinking raindrops out of his eyes. He reached forward and grabbed my hand, tugging me out of the dryness of my house and out into the rain. "What are you...?" I began to question, but he pulled me further into him against his soaked t-shirt. "I came by ‘cause I needed to see you." His eyes searched mine and I felt my heart pounding against my chest, threatening to burst out of it with how hard it was working. "Here I a--"

I was suddenly silenced as his lips crashed into mine-and I'd had no warning whatsoever that he was about to do it. My stomach dropped to my feet and I could barely breathe when I felt his soft, wet lips against my own again...the same spark, the same fire that used to be there, still there-only a thousand times stronger and brighter.

I felt his gasps for breath as his lips worked over mine, his hands cupping my cheeks and his fingertips playing with the ends of my hair. His tongue swiped along my lower lip and I shivered before opening and allowing him entrance. God, I had missed this. Why had I stayed away so long? Hadn't he been hinting at this since our run-in at the grocery store...how many months ago was that now? It felt like a lifetime because the man standing in front of me was as far from being the guy I'd seen that night as a person could be. The man standing in front of me wasn't even the one I'd met the first night at the bar all those years ago. But he is definitely the man I love.

Love? As in current tense? Oh God am I in trouble.

I felt him smiling against my lips and I pulled back and put some distance between us, completely ignoring the fact that now I was just as soaking wet as he was.

"Justin, I..."

"Shhh..." He silenced me with a finger over my lips; the lips that were still tingling from his kisses-and gave me that heart stopping smile of his making me forget what I was even about to say or protest.

"I just want you to...think about it." He gave a wink, turned on his heel and jogged off to the SUV that I'm assuming had JC in the driver's seat.

Think about it. Thank about what?

"Oh, this will be your legacy, this will be your destiny
Yesterday does not define you..."

Matthew West-Family Tree

"...and next up on E!News, Justin Timberlake's new single is climbing the charts and melting the hearts of girls all over. But what new girl is melting his heart? We've got the scoop for you right after the break."

With a groan, I clicked the remote and turned the TV off. "Another one? Just how many girls did he have lined up?" I thought aloud, tossing the remote beside me on the couch, rolling my neck to the left to stare out the sliding glass door that led to the backyard where my Yorkie, Bella, was playing. My phone was vibrating on the coffee table and I leaned forward to retrieve it, opening the text message.

From: KIIS-FM Gossip
JT and his new girl caught cozied up in Hollywood

It took everything in me not to throw my phone across the room. If it wasn't on the TV then it was on the radio or coming to my phone. I couldn't get away from it no matter what I did. And the stories had been coming non-stop since the day his single released to iTunes. At first I thought it was some kind of publicity thing to get his name out there again but when it went on for longer than a week, I began to wonder.

Every story had been backed up with evidence. Picture proof that he was definitely going out with someone. Which made it all the more confusing for me since he'd kissed me and told me to "think about it". Last I checked, if you kissed someone and left them with that sentence that generally meant you were waiting for some kind of response. Granted, it'd been almost three weeks since that night and I'd barely said five words to him but-I was confused. And conflicted. My heart knew what it wanted but my head was so intent on going against it, it made it very hard to throw caution completely to wind and go after Justin and tell him what I wanted.

What I knew I always wanted, if I'm being honest.

It was always him. Even in the grocery store that night after so long, and in his house when he'd cried in my arms about how sorry he was-he was always the one I wanted. So why was it so hard for me to just...let myself have it?

Because of all the rumors flying around about him and his "girls". Maybe I had waited too long to give him a response and he'd given up. I'd never know for sure until I gave it a shot but I didn't want to go in blind. I needed to know for sure if I had anything to worry about. And the only one who would know for sure was JC. If I could count on anyone to give me a straight answer it was him.

*

I squinted my eyes against the glare coming off of the metallic tabletop as I watched JC approach the table. He pulled out the chair with a scraping sound against the concrete sidewalk and plopped down into it, the picture of exhaustion.

"Rough day at the office?" I asked with a laugh.

"You have no idea. Johnny has somehow roped me into being his assistant and I'm running around at Jive, putting finishing touches on Justin's album, along with producing some new stuff with a few other artists they've got. I had no idea that reviving Justin's career was going to do that for me as well."

"Well, you're talented and people see that. Take it as a compliment, Jayce." I slid my sunglasses back down over my eyes and opened up the menu to take a look. Griddle Café was one of my favorite places in Hollywood for lunch but rarely ever had time to eat at because the wait was always ridiculous. The "mental health days" I was taking for myself this week were paying off quite nicely.

"I do. I just never expected it. Anyway, enough about me. How've you been doing?"

I tried to mask my anxiety over this question by appearing interested in the menu. "Fine." I threw out casually, flipping the page.

"Madi, I know you better than that. Don't play me for a fool." He said in warning.

"I'm fine. It's nothing...just busy at work. You know."

He rolled his eyes. "Sure. And you're absolutely fine with how you and Justin left things? Or should I say, how Justin left things? Like you standing in the rain after he kissed you?"

My stomach did flip-flops at the memory. I would never look at rain the same after that night.

"I...you know...I was prepared to...but then he...and now there's all this stuff going on...and it's just..." I stumbled, not knowing how to explain what I was feeling. My insides were a mess.

"...you want to try that again?" He teased with a gentle smile.

I sighed. "I want to get back together with him. There's a lot that we need to talk about but...I love him, Jayce. But there's just so much going on with him right now that I don't know if it's the right time. And what if he's changed his mind since that night? I mean, what about those two girls he's been seen with?"

"Assistant and his PR rep."

I rolled my eyes behind my aviators. "Right. That's all they ever are in this town."

"I'm serious. He's not seeing anyone, Mads. Cross my heart." JC tried, attempting to convince me.

"But E! said..."

He interrupted me with a boisterous laugh. "-and you of all people should know that 99% of what they say on any of those shows is bullshit."

I felt my cheeks redden, a telltale sign that I knew he was right. I sighed, "I know. It's just - he kissed me, and I thought it meant something..."

JC reached across the table and patted my hand. "You're so naïve sometimes," he began, shaking his head. "Him kissing you was his way of saying ‘Hey! I'm ready to try again.' The balls in your court now...it's up to you to figure out what to do with it."

The backs of my eyes stung and he seemed as shocked as I was that there were tears in my eyes. I thought I was done crying. "He really hurt me, Jayce."

His expression softened and he switched seats to sit beside me. He threw an arm around my shoulder and tugged me close. "I know. And he knows that too. Trust me when I say that he wouldn't have made that move and taken that step with you if he thought it would happen again. He's 1000% sure about this Madi, and you."

I sniffled and wiped at my nose. "I'm terrified." I admitted.

"He is too, " JC started, squeezing my shoulder so I'd look at him. "...of losing you. It's worth the risk, you know. Love always is."

"How do you know?"

He smiled at the lost and confused look on my face, making me appear so much younger than I was at the moment. "Because Amber and I wouldn't be together if we hadn't taken the risk. You guys always saw the happy ‘us'-but we had our knock-down, drag-out fights too. I was scared, she was too. I couldn't imagine being with one person for the rest of my life and then she came along and changed all that. It's worth the risk, Madison. All you've gotta do is jump."

"But what if I can't fly?"

"He'll be there to catch you." He said with a sure smile.

"You sound so sure."

"That's because I've been around the guy enough years of my life to know. I've never seen him more sure of anything in my life. He's about to have it all again-the only piece missing, is you."

"Is it really that easy?" I questioned, butterflies suddenly filling my stomach at the thoughts he was putting in my head.

"It's never easy. But it's always worth it. You'll never know until you try and you can't live your life scared of it. That man loves you. I love you. And I love you enough to tell you that I think you'd be an idiot if you ran from this."

My bottom lip was worried between my teeth and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath taking everything in. I loved Justin. I wanted to be with him and to share in his successes and his happiness and his dreams coming true. I wanted to share my success and happiness and dreams with him. He's the only one I wanted by my side at the end of the day.

"So what do I do?" I whispered, picking nervously at the fraying plastic on the edge of the menu.

"Well, you can support his dream, to start off. His album's coming out next week and he's got that album release party at the Knitting Factory. I'm sure he'd love for you to be there."

I nodded my head in agreement. "Right. I suppose I could do that. Will he even want to talk to me? It's been almost a month since he was at my house."

"Don't you worry. It'd take a lot more than a few weeks passing for him to let you go. As much as you love him, he loves you more. He hasn't said it directly but I think you're the reason he's even gotten this far; that he had the motivation to even come back to this."

"How?"

"Because you were the one who never wanted him to walk away in the first place and were disappointed when he did."

"So he's trying to prove a point?" I asked, confused.

"Not at all."

"But I wasn't wrong to be disappointed. I wasn't the only one who was. He's talented. It oozes out of every part of him. When he walked away, the music world lost one of the good ones."

"But you were one of the only ones who actually fought with him about it. Passionately I might add, if I do remember correctly. Everyone else just kind of accepted it and let it go. I think there's a huge part of him that wants to thank you and the other part that just wants to show everyone who didn't fight him what they were missing all these years."

I smiled. "He'll show ‘em. No doubt about that."

"So you'll go?"

"I'm not-yeah. I always supported him before...I shouldn't stop now when he needs it the most. And besides, what do I have to lose in going, right? Like you said-I'll never know what could happen if I don't try."

The smile he gave me lit up his whole face. "That's what I like to hear. Now...can we order? I'm starving..."

*

"JC, I'm so sorry to do this but I can't make it tonight. I don't know if...well, I'm not sure this is the right time for Justin and I. He's got a lot going for him now and I don't want to hold him back. I know I'm being a coward by avoiding this but...I just can't...please let him know how proud of him I am."

JC sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Well that just sucks."

"What does?" Lance asked, coming up behind him and startling him.

JC stared at his phone in disappointment before sliding it into his pocket. "That was Madison...she can't make it. What do I tell Justin? He's been looking forward to this since I told him last week."

"Don't say anything. Just let him figure it out himself. He doesn't need the distraction before show time anyway. You can explain it to him after."

They made their way down the narrow hallway of the Knitting Factory's backstage and into the room designated as the artist's dressing room.

It was filled with people...family, friends, Johnny and a few people from the media that had been called to cover the event.

"Alright guys, you've got about 10 minutes for questions before I kick you all out. We'll have more time after the show for additional interviews if you need it." Johnny announced to everyone.

I greeted JC and Lance when they joined Chris and Joey and I, shoved against the farthest wall from the door, attempting to finish getting me ready and steeling my nerves.

"So, are you guys getting back together?" A DJ from KIIS-FM asked as he approached. The rest of the media in the room all turned to give us their attention. The five of us all exchanged knowing glances, sharing hidden smiles. Lance was the first to speak, his deep voice echoing in the small room that we were in backstage. "We're here for Justin." He said, patting my back. Chris jumped in, "yeah, we had to come support the baby."

"No reunion then?" someone else questioned, directing their attention to JC. He looked at me and I shrugged, and then he looked at the rest of the guys before answering. "It...could hap-at this point we're not ruling anything out. It's a possibility. But for right now, we all need to remember who we're here for. Justin's releasing a fantastic album on Tuesday...we're going to let him run with that for a while. We promise you though that if and when we decide to get back together, you guys will be the first to know."

"Glad to hear it. So Justin, this new album of yours..." they began, the attention getting directed towards me again. I answered the questions they asked and when Johnny came in a bit later to tell me it was almost show time, he ushered the media out to give me time to collect myself and reign in my nerves.

He wished me luck and patted my back, telling me he'd see me after the show and left, seemingly knowing that I needed a moment with the guys.

They circled around me, arms reaching around each other's shoulders and bowing our heads forward. "Guys..." I whispered, looking around at each of them, "...thank you so much. You all stuck around when you had no reason to and I'm so incredibly grateful to you for all the support. You're my brothers and I couldn't have gotten through this show tonight without you being here; hell I don't think I could be putting out this album without your seals of approval." I finished my voice thick with emotion that I was struggling to keep in check.

"You know we're always here for you, J. Just go kick some ass out there tonight." Joey said, squeezing my shoulder. "We were out at the bar before we came back here and it looks like a packed house, dude." Lance added with a smile. I breathed out shakily with the news, almost disbelieving. There was no way there were that many people there.

"So JC, about this reunion thing..." Chris began. JC looked up and met Chris' eyes with a nod. "I'm in. We're all in now." The grin that broke out across Chris face could've split it in half; the rest of us had similar looks. I had known ever since our time in Orlando that JC was on board for a reunion after I toured around with my new album, he had just failed to mention it to the other guys yet. "Is there going to be dancing? Because if there is, I need advance warning so I can go get my hips replaced. They aren't what they used to be." He joked around, and we all laughed as he attempted a few hip thrusts like we used to do in our old dances.

"Wouldn't be *NSYNC if there wasn't dancing, Chris." Joey interjected, adding in that he may need to be dancing around with a cane by the time they hit the road again.

"Hmm...I suppose we could work that into a routine. Pimp canes, top hats..." I said with a chuckle and the rest of the guys joined in.

"But seriously, don't think about any of that tonight Justin. Tonight's about you and getting you back out there to do what you love. You're gonna kill it." JC assured me with a smile, wrapping his arm tight around my neck in a chokehold.

"Break a leg, J." The four of them said simultaneously as they gave me a big group hug. The stage manager poked his head in and told me it was time to go so we broke apart from our circle and headed out the door, the four of them heading towards the side of the stage where they could watch and me heading the opposite way.

I stood at the edge of the backstage area, breathing in and out slowly to calm my nerves as a tech guy fixed the mic-pack to my belt. I met Johnny's eyes on the other side of the stage and he gave me a quick thumbs up and I smiled nervously back at him. I glanced at the stage, noting that Kevin, Jack (my drummer), and my bass player had already taken their places. K-Tunes threw me a peace sign while Jack pointed a drumstick my way. With them backing me, I felt slightly less nervous-they'd been with me since the beginning of it all. Always behind me and the guys. Even with that thought in mind, as I picked up my guitar and situated the strap around my neck, my hands shook slightly.

I seriously needed to get myself under control. I was never one to get nervous before so why on earth was I feeling so jittery now? I knew the question to that already. Because I was afraid--terrified that the audience wouldn't like my new stuff; scared that there wouldn't be much of an audience to even play to. The lights came up on the stage and Johnny walked out, microphone in hand and introduced me.

"We know he's been gone a long time and we know you all have missed him. But now he's back, with a new sound, and better than ever...give it up for Mr. Sexyback himself, Justin Timberlake!" he jogged off the stage towards my side and gave me a quick hug. "Kill ‘em, son." He said to me over the screams that I could hear coming from the audience.

I sucked in a breath and shook out my hands, giving myself one last quick pep talk before I went out to face the music. This was it.

I came out onto the small stage at the Knitting Factory, fully expecting to see the floor mostly empty, and was both shocked and humbled by the fact that the entire place was packed with people. People all waiting around to see me play again and hear the kind of music that I had been working on. The screams were every bit as loud as they used to be and the giant moths I'd felt flapping around in my stomach before I went on seemed to be instantly calmed, lulled back into their cages by the familiar sound of everyone cheering for me. I smiled and waved at everyone as I sat down on the stool, getting the mic situated in front of me.

I wasn't sure if she was there and I squinted my eyes against the harsh stage lights, scanning the crowd for her. JC had told me a few days earlier that he'd passed the word along that I was playing a show tonight and he said that he was pretty positive she'd be there.

"How's everybody doin?" I asked, leaning in to test the sound. More screams and yells erupted from the crowd and I felt my entire being catch fire at the rush of energy I felt from them; from everyone who came out to support me.

"Good to hear! Thank you so much for coming out. You have no idea what it means to me that ya'll are here and want new stuff from me. I think you're gonna like it." I said with a grin, noting how the girls that were closest to the stage nearly swooned from it being directed their way. I strummed a few chords on the guitar, looking at the set list at my feet. I turned around to give a look to Kevin on the keyboards and he nodded my way, the same smile on his face that he always had when we played together forever ago. At the sound of the keyboards coming in, the crowd noise increased and I felt goose bumps break out across my skin.

"Alright, this first song I'm going to play is called ‘Sing'...I hope you like it." I took in a deep breath, leaned in towards the mic and looked out at the crowd, making sure to take this moment in.

I want you to know,
it's not your fault.
What I've become
is all I own.

I lived inside my own machine,
but these clocks that keep me
will always

Sing, sing to me...

The audience erupted as the chorus came in and I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face if I tried.

This was it. What I had needed all along. A guitar strapped across my chest, a microphone, and an audience of people all listening to and enjoying the stories I was telling through my lyrics.

This was the normal that I once clung to. This was the normal that I had been searching for during all those years that I felt so lost.

This was home.

"I'm not a saint, I'm just a man
Who had heaven and earth in the palm of his hand
but I threw it away,
So now I stand here today askin' forgiveness
and if you could just please
Give me another chance
to write you another song
and take back those things I've done..."

I don't think I have ever seen this many people in this Best Buy parking lot in my life, which is saying something considering how packed it gets for the Black Friday deals. I'm just glad I found a spot, I think to myself as I see the same Chevy Tahoe pass me for the third time on my way inside.

It's Justin's CD release signing and while I thought long and hard about whether or not I should come...well, obviously I chose to. I walked inside and found the end of the line, getting a wristband from the guy passing them out to people who were strictly there for the signing.

I twisted my hands together nervously and looked around at everyone who was waiting in the line with me. Did I really have any business being here? No, I really didn't.

I gave up really having the right to care about him when I'd told him that I'd moved on. Even so, I felt like this is something I needed to do; something that had to be done in order for both of us to close out this chapter of our lives.

My nerves really were getting the better of me. I had contemplated bolting out through the front doors and abandoning the mission that I'd come here to complete numerous times. But seeing how long the line had gotten, and mentally calculating how much longer I'd have to wait if I decided to change my mind and get back in line, I chose to stay. Besides, I still had time to run away, should I need to.

I looked at my watch and sighed. He wasn't set to come out for another twenty minutes. With my current state of unease, it was going to be the longest twenty minutes of my life.

Digging through my purse for my phone, I decided now would be a good time to call my mom. Talking with her on the phone could always take up a good amount of time.

That idea was quickly shot to hell when she answered with a hurried "I can't talk now, your father and I are headed out to dinner with some friends." And a "call you later honey!"

I frowned at my phone when she hung up abruptly. I looked at my watch again. Five minutes hadn't even gone by.

I blew my bangs out of my face dramatically, and with another sweeping look around the area, I copied what the majority of everyone else was doing and plopped down on the ground. When I did so, the girl next to me took the opportunity to make small talk.

"I'm just so excited to like, meet him!" she enthused. I smiled at her halfheartedly and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "You never have before?" I questioned, settling my purse in my lap when I tucked my legs under me Indian style.

The girl shook her head no. "My friend that's with me has before. Back when he was like, with *NSYNC, but...that was it. And we were both like, so excited when we heard that he was coming back to music and was going to put out another album."

I nodded in agreement, my smile strained. Truth be told, I was a little more than excited when I'd learned that Justin was going to put out an album. I just wish that I had handled things differently with him and could've stuck around to help him out or...something.

Someone began walking the line, passing out CD's to those of us who hadn't bought them beforehand, swiping our credit cards on their iPad that had been outfitted with one of those credit card machines for instant payment. Immediately upon receiving the CD, I tore into the plastic, shredding it and dropping it on the ground by my feet. I carefully removed the top sticker and attached it to the CD booklet inside. Had to save that piece. For every album I bought that held a special place in my heart, I had that top sticker.

I ran my fingers over the top of the disc, tracing the outline of the CD title with the tip of my pointer finger. My eyes welled with tears-I'd been prepared for those, and my heart beat against my ribcage something equivalent to a fast, bass heavy, drumline. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and felt the first tear slip out and track its way down my cheek before dropping off the end of my chin.

I couldn't help it. I was just so proud of him. For so many different reasons.

That was my purpose in coming here today. To show him that no matter what had happened between us, I still supported him 200% like I promised that I always would.

The line moved forward a fraction of an inch closer to the autograph table and I inhaled sharply when I caught my first glimpse of him.

As was expected, he looked stunning-such a sight for sore eyes since the last time I'd seen him was when he left me standing in the rain, outside my house, after thoroughly kissing me and taking my breath away.

Whew...it was hot in here all of the sudden.

And then all the blood running through my system pooled in my belly as he spotted me at the end of the table and gave me a wink. The girls ahead of me all turned around to look at me and I felt my cheeks redden. Nice going, Justin.

Seeing that all the attention was on me, he grinned, and then went back to signing the CD in front of him.

Two more girls were ahead of me and my palms began to sweat.

Why on earth was I acting like this? It's not like I'd never seen him or talked to him before but with the way my insides were feeling, I felt like a teenager who had her first crush. It was ridiculous.

Now there's just one and Justin is taking his sweet time talking to her, torturing me.

"...thanks for coming out. It really means a lot. I hope you enjoy the CD!" He says to her, his voice silky smooth. She leaves and suddenly I've got every bit of his attention, his insanely gorgeous blue eyes taking me in.

"Hey..." he said softly, one side of his mouth upturned into a smile.

"Hi." I replied back, setting the CD in front of him. He quickly pushes it to the side and begins rummaging around in a bag next to him.  

"You're here." He produces another CD and sets it on the table.

"You sound surprised." I watch him, curious, as he scrawls his name on the CD jacket, drawing a heart next to it. Why'd he switch CD's on me?

"I am. But I'm glad you came." He said, smiling up at me, big blue eyes conveying all that he couldn't say to me in this setting. The look made my heart stop in my chest.

"There's nowhere else I'd be." I told him honestly, reaching out for the CD. He placed both in my hand, brushing his fingers along mine softly.

"Well...thank you and...don't question why I switched them out. You'll figure it out once you take a listen."

"Oh-ok. In case I haven't said it-it's good to have you back." I smiled softly at him, ducking my head as I walked away from the table, away from him. Seeing him in that setting again, I was confident that he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

I passed the remaining girls in the line, barely seeing them through the tears that were brimming in my eyes. What I could see of them though, they all seemed to be ecstatic to be there. The way it was supposed to be. Everything about this day was how it was supposed to be.

When I finally got out to my car, I climbed into the driver's side, clutching the CD in my hands, unable to take my eyes off of the name that was scribbled on the front. Funny how I had seen his name signed to a thousand different things after being with him-cards, random notes, receipts-but none of those signatures were like this. This signature was all him.

Not being able to stand it anymore, I opened the case and slipped the CD into the player in my car, holding my breath for the first note of the first song.

And I didn't move until the last note of the last song was played. I looked around at my surroundings, completely forgetting that I hadn't waited until I was home to listen to this.

I should've. Because driving in the state that I was currently in was probably hazardous to my health. Tears had been streaming down my face in a constant flow from the first words he'd uttered.

Each song on the CD was so honest and raw and real, and they, in turn, made me feel that way.

I should have listened to JC when he told me that this CD was Justin's way of dealing with us and getting over us. It only seemed fitting that the last song was entitled "The End".

I was just about to pull out of the parking space when another song started up-a hidden track on the CD. As soon as the opening notes played I knew. Understood exactly why he'd switched CD's with me.

It's been too long
I wanna sit down and write for you the perfect love song
I wanna shout it out in a silent crowd
I wanna move you in a million ways
I'll say it to you every day
did I ever tell you
I love you that way
....sometimes this crazy life
just gets in the way

And then a text message he'd sent what felt like ages ago, made sense. He was making good on a promise. He'd recorded the song for me. Finally. I couldn't love the song any more than I did in this moment.

I wiped at the wetness on my face, the tears that I couldn't stop from falling, uncaring that my mascara was probably smudged under my eyes. Finally feeling like I had my emotions under control (somewhat), I took the CD jacket out of the case and flipped through it, admiring the photos that Justin had taken for it. They were spectacular and he looked incredible. Gone were the dark circles under his eyes and the sunken cheekbones-in its place were a healthy glow and that special sparkle in those baby blues that had made me fall for him from the start. And he was no longer the gangly, sickly skinny Justin that I'd seen in the grocery store-he had meat on his bones and muscles that seemed hard and flexed even when he wasn't trying. He was beautiful.

Flipping to the last page of the jacket, I gasped when I saw my name (well, nickname), written at the top of the page. Scanning over the first few words, I realized that this was the start of his liner notes. Reading further and not seeing anyone else's names written, it appeared to me that he'd written the whole thing...

...to me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to hold the tears at bay so that I could actually read through what he'd written.

To Mads~ This album is yours. It would've never been made if it weren't for you. You were always, and continue to be ‘til this day-my inspiration, my muse, and the love of my life. Each song that made the cut on this album (and even the ones that didn't) is a piece of my heart that you will always hold, no matter where this life takes you and me. I love you, forever and always.

Suddenly, I couldn't breathe-my heart rate had topped out at quadruple speed and my throat was so dry that I couldn't swallow to take in any air. Tossing the CD and case onto the passenger seat, I leaned forward to rest my forehead against the steering wheel.

I was floored by what I'd just read.

While I knew, especially after listening to the songs, that the CD was comprised of the most personal songs someone could ever put out, seeing him actually write out the words and admit it made it all the more real. And the fact that he'd put it out there for the entire world to see, to scrutinize so they could tear apart the words that he'd written to figure out what had happened, made me respect him, love him...be that much more proud of him.

Before I really knew what I was doing, the car was thrown in reverse and I was speeding out of the parking lot to the nearest exit.

It was when I was at a stoplight coming through the canyon that I began to question what the hell I thought I was doing.

The answer was fairly simple.

I was going to see him.

To tell him everything that his music had made me feel. To tell him how incredibly touched I was at what he'd written in his liner notes. And to tell him how proud I was of him. That he'd fought his demons and fought for his dreams hard enough to bring him to where he was today. To make him into the person that I knew he was supposed to be. The person that he was when I'd fallen so madly in love with him.

I pulled into his driveway, questioning my sanity and whether or not I should just turn around and leave well enough alone. If he'd wanted to say anything more to me, he could've called me when the signing had ended. But I'd gotten no such phone call.

So why on earth did I think that he'd want to see me now or have anything to say to me? It seemed that he'd said all he needed to in his songs and in his liner notes. I really should just turn around.

But something is making me stay.

Steeling my nerves and deciding to make the journey to his front door, I ousted myself from the car, feet shuffling up to the front door nervously. Before I could question it further, my hand was outstretched and I was knocking on door.

*

It felt good to be home. After the whirlwind week I'd had doing press for the album release, I was ready to just collapse and sleep for a month or two. I'd forgotten what it was like to be in constant motion, barely having time to think about anything going on in my life that didn't revolve around this record.

It was therapy. Gave me the chance to focus on my music instead of the questions I had about Madison and I and why she hadn't shown up for the record release party at the Knitting Factory. To say I was disappointed that she hadn't shown was an understatement. At the same time though, I kind of expected it. I mean, what kind of jackass just waltzes up to his ex-fiancés house in the middle of the night, in a rain storm, kisses her, and leaves? I'll tell you what kind. My kind.

Jayce had been telling me what an idiot move it was but I was too proud to admit he was right.

My duffel bag was still sitting on my countertop in the kitchen from when I'd gotten in from LAX late the night before. I needed to put it away and do my laundry. Not that it was high on my list of priorities but I knew if I didn't do it now and just sat down to veg on the couch, that it would be forever until it got done. I grabbed it off the counter and headed upstairs, only making it halfway up before I heard a knock on my door, interrupting my progress.

I dropped it on the step and turned on my heel to go back downstairs. Wonder who that could be? I'd just left JC at the store and I knew he had plans with Amber. And the rest of the guys all had other things to take care of before we were heading out to celebrate tonight.

If it wasn't them then...

I peered through the peephole and felt my breath woosh out of me all at once. I couldn't get the door open fast enough.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned, surprise laced through my voice. She was the last person I'd expected to see on my doorstep today.

"I uhh-well." She shuffled her feet nervously.

I laughed softly, amused at her attitude. "I'm glad you came." I offer and she still won't look at me.

"I read the no-err...great album!" she enthused a bit awkwardly.

"Thank you." I replied, unsure of why she had changed her mind about what she was originally going to say. Even though we really hadn't had a conversation of any depth in a long time, I could still read her fairly well to know when she was feeling awkward and nervous about something. She rocked back on her heels and tangled her hands together in front of her.

"Umm... I read what you wrote for your album notes." She blurted out, scraping the toe of her shoe across the concrete step on my stoop. I crossed my arms over my chest and propped myself against the doorframe, giving her a small smile.

"Good. I was hoping you would read them." She raised her chin, green eyes that were smudged with the black from her eyeliner meeting mine. The telltale signs that she'd been crying. "Are you ok? Did something-I didn't mean to make you cry." I fumbled, reaching for her to tug her into my arms to offer up some form of comfort.

"I-it's fine. It was beautiful."

"I meant it, Mads. Every word."

She nodded against my chest, arms circling around my waist to hold me tighter. "I'm sorry..." she mumbled.

"For what?" I asked, pulling back slightly from her to meet her gaze again.

She raised tired green eyes to mine. "For everything. Not sticking around, not fight-dammit. That's not what I came here to...I just wanted to tell you--"

I suppressed a laugh. I was mildly amused that she was tripping over her words. The confident woman I'd seen at the record signing earlier was gone and was replaced with this nervous, unsure girl. I wasn't sure how to react.

"Why don't you come inside?" I interjected, stepping further inside the house. She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear with a shaky hand and followed my lead into the kitchen. "Can I get you anything?" I asked over my shoulder. She shook her head no and leaned her elbows against the island in the middle of the kitchen, reaching up with a hand to wipe at the makeup on her cheeks.

"So what's up?" I asked when she didn't speak up again for quite some time.

"I shouldn't have come." She finally spoke up, the palms of her hands pressed to her eyelids.

"It's fine. I'm glad you did." I leaned back against the counter, crossing an ankle over the other, trying to relax. Having her here was making me nervous and making my head swim with questions about what she wanted and what she could possibly be doing here.

I wasn't lying when I'd told her at the signing that I didn't expect to see her there. After her not showing up at my record release party, I figured she thought it would be best to not come around.

But then she'd showed up at the record store and it was all I could do not to jump out of my seat and take her in my arms and tell her how much it meant to me that she'd come to support me. She was the one I needed support from the most-this album was as much hers as it was mine.

And now she not only showed up at the signing, but here? To say I'm confused is an understatement.

"Are you going to actually talk or are you going to just stare at me all night?" I joke, plucking a bottle of Merot from the wine rack. "Wine?"

"I'm fine." She replies quietly, her eyes shifting around the kitchen, now trying to look everywhere but at me.

"I'm pouring you a glass anyway. Clearly you need it." I uncork the bottle and pour us two generous glasses, heading across the kitchen to hand it to her.

"It shows, huh?" She nervously tucks a strand of hair behind her ears as she takes the glass from me.

"Little bit." I offer her a small smile and pull out the bar stool for her to sit on.

"I guess we should cheers?" She says, staring into the glass, swirling the liquid around.

"To what?"

Her eyes finally meet mine with a dramatic roll. "To you, silly. And the incredible album you just put out. I listened to it before I got out of the parking lot."

"I figured. Thank you-you're opinion means a lot. I was worried you'd be mad that I'd put so much personal stuff on it."

She shrugged. "You wrote what you were feeling. I can't blame you for that at all. It turned out...gorgeous, really."

I feel a blush coming on. I'd had a feeling that she'd like the songs but her compliments were throwing me off guard as was the sudden change in her personality. No use complaining though, she was at least talking now.

"Did you get a chance to hear the bonus track?" Now it's my turn to be nervous while I wait for her to respond. She nods, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. "You kept your promise."

"I did."

"Do you still mean it?" Her voice has dropped to almost a whisper and I strain to hear her but I catch the hopeful tone underneath her question.

"More than ever, Mads." I respond, reaching a hand out to cup her chin so she'll look at me. Her breath catches in her throat.

"I don't know how to get back to where we were before all this crap started." She says honestly, leaning into my touch.

"Why do we have to go back to that? Why can't we just start over?" I ask, knowing that it'd be hard but more than willing to do it just to have her by my side.

"Can we do that? Just put everything behind us and start over?" Her eyes are wide and boring into me, making my heart pound at the thought of her being in my life again, full time.

"I'll make it happen. I don't want to live my life without you in it anymore." A tear slips down her cheek and I reach out to brush it away. "Please." I'm not above begging at this point. Anything to get it across to her that I need her by my side and that I'm not taking no for an answer.

Her chin drops to her chest and she expels a shaky breath. "I don't either." She finally answers, wiping at her tear-stained cheeks, her watery eyes meeting mine. I lose my breath at the sight-how they sparkle at me-a look that hadn't been directed my way in far too long.

"Really?"

She nods. "Really."

"In that case--hi, I'm Justin." I said extending my hand out to her. She giggled quietly and pushed her hand into mine. "You're a cheeseball."

"What's your name?" I ask, continuing on with the game.

"Justin..." she whines.

"Wow, we have the same name?"

"You're so lame!" she jokes, pinching my side gently.

"Ouch." I rubbed at the abused area before grabbing her wrists and bringing her closer to me.

"Seriously. Why do I want to be with you again?" she teased, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"'Cause I'm ridiculously good looking?" I grinned down at her. She bit her lip before answering, "no." I pouted and gave her sad eyes and she rolled her eyes in turn at my attempts. "I'm charming?"

"Psh...in your dreams." She said with a smirk.

"Because I'm so crazy in love with you?" I said, leaning down to press a kiss to her cheek.

"I thought we just met." She responded as a smile stretched across her face.

Resting my arms on her shoulders, I smiled again and winked. "Yeah well, it was love at first sight anyway."

"What took you so long, then?" Her eyes are twinkling as she looks at me and I can't tear my eyes away from her.

"I was an idiot. But I promise I won't be this time. I'll never let you get away again." I pressed my forehead to hers and closed my eyes, burning this moment into my mind so that I'd never forget the way I felt-my heart hammering against my chest as our lips locked, sparks flying behind my closed eyelids.

There was nothing more perfect than this. No stage on earth, no screams from the audience, no number one song, would ever compare to the feeling I got when I was wrapped up in this woman. We were starting over, and while we had a long road back to where we used to be, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that she would be enough for me in the end.

"Cause I'll give you my heart
If you would let me start
...all over, again"

Fini.

1. "Like A Knife"- Secondhand Serenade
2. "You're the Only Place"- Nick Lachey
3. "All I Need"-Within Temptation
4. "Say"- One Republic
5. "Run"-Snow Patrol
6. "How"- Maroon 5
7. "Close My Eyes"-Backstreet Boys
8. "Let Me"-Matt Morris
9. "Critical"-Nick Jonas
10. "Sing"-Sounds Under Radio
11. "Stay"-Nick Jonas
12. "The End"-Jason Reeves
Hidden Track: "Did I Ever Tell You"-Nick Lachey