NO!

WAIT!

Jessica…

He jumped straight in his bed, the sweat rolling down his face and he knew he had had the same dream.

Again.

How long ago had it been? How much time had really gone by?

He forgot.

It seemed like just yesterday he got the news… the news of his beloved. Killed in an auto accident on her way to…

NO!

He stood up from the bed and wondered over to the window and watched as the birds fluttered around in the backyard. Flocking around the bird feeders Jessica had…

STOP!

His thoughts never seemed to stray, he always thought of the same thing and it was impossible to get his mind on anything else but his… beloved.

He pulled his robe on walking through the dark and dismal house, the large house he had bought for them to share.

Their pictures, he gazed softly at their smiling faces and their warm embracing pictures, how wonderful they looked together. They were the perfect couple.

Were…

Swiping his hand across the mantle he sent the pictures flying into the air and onto the floor, he screamed for the loss of his love. The pain he could no longer contain. That was it…

He walked back towards the kitchen and pulled a bottle of the whiskey he had been drinking since losing his love…

He drank.

Drank to cleanse his soul, body, mind of the one that was forced away from him so suddenly.

He drank.

Like so many times before… he drank to try and make the pain go away.

Chapter 1

“Oh my god it stinks in here.” JC covered his nose as we all walked into Joey’s house.

We hadn’t seen him in damn near 3 months and I was finally getting worried.

Sure, the loss of Jessica was bad.

Sure, you needed time to move on slowly. NATURALLY! I gave Joe 2 months and then pushed it to 3 and now I, me, was worried about him.

I had convinced them so many times to leave Joe alone that what he really needed was time.

I could see now, that I was wrong. Really, irrevocably wrong. I hoped he was okay.

“Joey! It’s us!” I yelled.

“J. Stop yelling, there’s four of us, let’s just split up.” Lance said, stepping loudly over a few glass bottles on the floor. There were many.

“Okay, I’ll go towards the front of the house.” I said making my way towards the living room hitting lights as I went by them.

There he was passed out in his favorite chair, the one she had gotten him last Christmas. Curled up hugging her picture in one hand and holding a bottle by the neck in the other.

“Joe?” I said walking towards him grabbing the bottle.

“Jessica?” He slurred out.

“No, it’s me. Justin. Where have you been man?” He pulled away from me and looked out the window.

“I’ve been home, haven’t gone out, haven’t been…” He trailed off.

“In a bathroom apparently.” Lance’s voice came from behind me and I looked back to see that the guys had gotten together behind me.

“What are you guys doing here?” He got up from the chair and came towards me reaching for the bottle. I moved out of the way and he fell down.

Quickly.

“Dude what is with you?” Lance asked reaching for Joey only to be forced away.

“Nothing. I’m fine.” He said reaching for the bottle again. I moved and headed straight for the kitchen pouring the contents of the bottle out into the sink.

He glared at me, stopping for a second then ignoring me and went for a cabinet. He pulled out a bottle and started to drink from it.

“Listen Joe, we have to get in there to make a new album. Johnny wants you in the office, today at 3.” JC perked up from behind Chris who had yet to say anything. He like us was upset and if he had a chance he would let Joey know the real deal.

We all stared at Joey who seemed to be lost in his own world. After a minute or two he finally said something.

“I’ll get in the shower.” He set the bottle down and walked out into the hall and up the stairs.

“We have got to do something.” JC said.

“Fast. We have to do it yesterday.” Chris finally spoke going to the cabinet Joey had retrieved a bottle from. Revealing at least 25 bottles of whiskey stacked back to back.

~*~Offices~*~

~*~Joey’s POV~*~

I sat in the leather swivel chair. It felt weird to be dressed and out… in public.

The guys sat around the round table I sat across from them while they all stared at me. I hated the way they looked at me like that. Like I was insane.

True, I was at home a lot.

True, I hadn’t really seen anyone.

I wasn’t insane though, just lost. Let’s face it, it was taking me longer to get there, anywhere, then it took most.

A year later you’d think I’d have it back by now… you’d think.

A door to the left opened and in came Johnny, I looked at him pulling my cap brim over my eyes. I couldn’t let him see me hung over… or still drunk however you wanted to look at it.

“Good to see you Joe, how’ve you been?” He asked taking a seat with the guys.

“Fine, dandy.” I said crossing my arms over my chest.

“That’s not what I’ve heard, listen let’s cut through the bullshit and be honest. Put it on the table Joe. We see you struggling and we can’t just stand by and watch you anymore.” He added through gritted teeth.

Maybe it was bad.

“Listen Joe, we… we want you to get some help. AA, maybe, some grief classes. I’ve found some very understanding people who are willing to help you out.” JC said leaning forward.

It must be bad.

“Thearpy?” I asked softly. They looked at each other.

“Well, not like that no. I mean you just need to talk to someone Joe. You’re not thinking clearly. We honestly think you need this.” Lance added.

“Is this what you think? Is this what you all think?” I asked moving to sit up straight in the chair looking at the group. They back up, even though we were a good 8 feet from each other.

A small group of yes’s could be heard and I knew that these were my friends.

I let the thoughts jumbled around in my head and the only logical thing was that I needed to get better and slowly I was just wasting away.

“Okay.” I said putting my hands flat on the table. “Okay. I’ll go.”

They all smiled.

“Great, great! Listen if we can get this cleaned up we will be able to get back into the studio sometime in the spring. It’s going to be fine Joe. Just wait.” Johnny said standing up.

“Yeah, we’ll see.” I mumbled and the guys were all standing with smiles on their faces. I sighed.

I need that.

It was depressing to be here, all these drunks.

I was not a drunk.

Maybe, how different was I then these people? What? 3 days ago?

I watched the people move around the room restless and unable to really get to where they were really going. I sighed and was about to leave when someone plopped down next to me. I looked away quickly. I didn’t really want to be seen in here even though, I doubted these people had any clue who I was.

Still… who wants to be seen in some dark room filled with drunks and those who obviously did not know how to use a shower? 

“So…” The farmilar voice of Chris rang out next to me. He hadn’t really spoken to me in a while, a long time actually. I was kinda surprised to see him here. He seemed me at ease, way more free then I felt in that moment. I was hiding Chris who seemed to sprawl his arms out across the back of the chair and looked rather bored.

“I’m surprised to see you.” I said relaxing and taking in the room with him, surveying everything for a sixth time that night.

“You know how that goes.” He said finally looking at me. “You look like you’re going to rob a bank.” He smiled and looked around; I finally noticed no one had really sat around me. I chuckled.

No wonder I felt so alone… isolation. Maybe I did need some help.

“Welcome everyone to the Barrio Outreach Center; I’m Juan Mendoza, obviously why we’re here is because of AA and trying to find a way to live our lives sober. For those of you that are new, we do have a step program. I’m sure everyone’s heard something or another about AA and our 12 steps. Here we start slow and work our way to something more stable in life then clinging to a bottle at our last hour. This is a Alcoholics Anonymous so please don’t feel as if here you will be judged. Anyone new… anyone want to take the first step?”

The man had went on and on and at first it sounded stupid, but as  he talked something hit me. I wasn’t sure what it was but I know I felt something. I looked around seeing the people look at each other and then I looked at Chris. He gave me this look, I sighed already knowing what it meant.

I stood up slowly and made my way to the front of the group. I stood in front of these people and I didn’t want to say anything but I knew if I walked away now, I would probably never find myself. My friends… so committed to my cause, willing to sit here with me and endure this. I had to stand up and say something to right the wrongs that I had let over run my life. If they could stand without me, why couldn’t I stand?

I cleared my throat, my mouth going dry I had no idea what to say.

“It’s okay baby.” A black woman who sat 3 rows from me said. “It’s always hard the first time.” She smiled and I felt a little more at ease. I pulled the baseball cap off my head slowly followed by the glasses. A few gasps and whispers were heard but nothing to extravagant.

“M-my name is-" clears throat “my name is Joseph, and I-I guess I have a problem. No. Wait.” I stopped putting my fingers on the bridge of my nose.

No one can help you if you lie, if you try to downplay the situation for what it really is.

My mother’s words echoed in my head.

“No… I have a problem. I have a problem with drinking and I-I just can’t seem to stop.” I looked up at the group and there were no looks of disgust, no judgment, the same judgment I had come to expect being a celebrity with a problem. Any kind of problem.

A chorus of Hi Joe’s, Hello’s and other greetings were heard. “Welcome.” Juan said taking a step towards me his hand extended to shake mine. I smiled slowly.

How bad could this be.

~*~4 days later~*~

I had been waiting here just like they had told me too. I waited and I had already been here at least 45 minutes and still no one had even bothered to look at me.

“Mr. Fatone.” A tall man stood next to me. I looked up and could tell he was in his 30’s. “Hello, my name is Tom, I am the manger here. Listen I am sorry, your consoler called something came up, but she is just 10 minutes away.”

I sighed.

“Thanks.” I stood and walked to the doors that led out into the hall just as I was going through the door, my body ran into someone and we both fell to the ground.

I was instantly angry and was about to go off when I looked down into the creamiest hazel eyes I had ever seen. And I had seen plenty.

“Hi.” She said her eyes twinkled and shined with the lights above her. Her smile was a brilliant white and she had her tongue pierced I could see that. “Oooookay, um… can you get off me please? I am already late enough as it is.” She struggled for a moment and I could feel the movement of her breast and the warmth of her body start to get to me.

I hadn’t felt someone warm next to me since…

NO! That’s why we’re here.

I moved quickly trying to hide what she had done to me.

“Lola! Are you all right?” Tom rushed over to us his concern for the small girl below me.

“Fine, sorry I’m so late. I didn’t realize how late it had gotten.” She said her tone hinted at an accent but I wasn’t sure I couldn’t hear her, staring at her body, she was moderately dressed hiding everything yet still giving the air of professionalism while still being sexy in a A-line skirt and a blue blouse that had a hard time holding back her breast that so desperately wanted out of that blouse.

Me too…

“No, it’s quite all right, this is your client. Mr. Fatone.” He gestured toward me and smiled brightly. “This is Lola, Lola Garcia.” I knew she was something. Hispanic maybe, the color of her skin was a caramel and her hazel eyes were set off by a long set of eyes lashes that looked so fake, but they were real.

You could tell this girl never needed make-up.

“Hi.” She said brightly sticking her hand out at me. I took it and felt a static shock, a wave… of something. I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Desire?

“Uh-I… Sorry. Joey, please call me Joey.” I said finally stopping from fixating on her body and apparently flawless skin.

“Call me Lola. Would you like to take a seat?” She asked leaning her head towards the dozens of couches in the large room.

“I need a minute.” Ii said pulling away from her, pulling her hand with me. I couldn’t let her go and I didn’t understand why.

She smiled softly. “I need my hand back sir.” She pulled her hand away gently and I was lost in her face.

I turned around quickly and walked out into the hallway only to be confronted by another person, this time a familiar face.

“Lance.” I said suddenly before he could just pop up on me.

“Hey man, where you going? Got you scared already?” He said

“No, I just… I don’t know.” I said looking back into the room and watching Lola cross her legs, she glanced up at me and smiled, waved and extended her arms across the couch. Showing me the spot she had claimed for us.

I smiled.

“Is that her?” Lance asked his eyes wide and smiling. I shook my head. “Wow… maybe I need to get some therapy too.” He said walking into the room before me. I grabbed the back of his pants.

“Down boy.” I pulled him back into the hallway. “I’m fine, thank you. I’ll see you later.” I said pushing him back.

“I could stay you know.” He smiled. I laughed. I hadn’t done that in so long.

“We’re fine, thank you.” I said walking back into the room, I didn’t want him near her and I wasn’t sure why.

“You ready?” She asked moving to face me while I sat on the couch.

“Will I ever be?” I mumbled.

“Well, talk to me; tell me what’s going on.” She gave me this genuine look of concern and sounded as if she really wanted to listen to me.

“I-“

 She cut me off.  “I’d like to look at you.” She said reaching for the cap and sunglasses routine I had chosen for this place. I pulled back, afraid for her to really see me. “I’m not going to bite.” She added her hands kept moving and she caught my cap.

I swallowed deeply and watched her face when she pulled off the glasses and really got a look at me.

“You were saying?” She crossed her legs and stared at me, this care in her eyes I hadn’t seen since…

“Jessica.” I said softly. Lola shook her hand and smiled.

“Pretty name.” She kept shaking her head moving her body so she could fully look at me.

“I-we were engaged. We had been together 2 years. I was ready… to get married, to start a family. I was ready to be something else, someone else. She had altered me and I was ready to commit to her.” I stopped slowly and looked at the floor.

“And then…?” She leaned forward looking at me. I looked at her and he gaze was soft. “And then…?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat; it seemed huge and took forever. “We had it all planned. We were so close. The day of the rehearsal dinner, she never made it. She never made it home; she never made it to the wedding. God said it was time.” I covered my eyes, the tears stung but I held in.

“Are you angry at god?” She asked leaning in closer. I shook my head no. “Are you angry at yourself?” She mumbled low, close enough that I could hear. I pondered the thought. No one had asked me that before. It was always sympathy. I could tell from this very beginning with Lola I would find none.

“Sometimes.” I said looking up, everywhere, but not on that face. I could see the hardness in the caring gaze she gave me.

“Aren’t you tired?”

I looked confused. “Of what?”

“Being angry? Being sad? Being a lifeless ghoul only to wander around your house all day?” I looked at her shocked. She was judging me.

I was wrong. She didn’t care. She was judging me.

“Excuse me?” The hardness in my tone unable to be hidden.

“You must sit around you house all day, feeling sorry for yourself. How long has it been?” She asked lifting an eyebrow. I held my lips tight, unwilling to say anything more to her. “Well?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“A year… maybe longer, I lost track of the time.” I said coldly.

“My point exactly. Aren’t you tired yet? All this time is passing by and you are… just wasting it. For someone, who let’s face it, is never coming back to you.” She said just as coldly. I shook my head, I didn’t know what to say to her. She was to pretty to curse at that was my only option.

I stood on my feet and walked to the door.

“Joey.” Was all I heard as I walked out the door.

I heard the clink and clop of the high heels that followed me down the stairs. I didn’t bother waiting for the elevator and thought that the fire escapes would be best. Still I heard the heels click away.

I shook my head ignoring my name as it was being called; I hit the parking lot wishing the car was closer now.

“ALL RIGHT RUN AWAY YOU BIG FUCKING BABY!” She yelled, I could hear the wheezing in her breath as she stopped, I turned and saw her reach into her purse and pulling out a green box and started pulling out a cigarette from the box. She pulled a lighter out and started talking in a foreign tongue and turned away from me muttering something as she walked away.

“Baby?” I asked turning around and getting loud. She turned and looked at me.

“OH! Now you hear me pendejo!” she dropped her stuff on the ground and marched right up to me. Taking one more drag she threw her cigarette on the ground and blew the smoke out of my way. “It’s been a year. You need to let go.” She said waving her finger in my face.

“What do you know?” I pushed her hand out of my face and glared at her, she stood a good foot shorter than me. It was kind of hot.

“You don’t know anything! YOU have no idea who I am! What I have been through or what I have experienced. I am strong, and I know the strong when I see them and here YOU are acting like a baby! Get up! See a brand new day! Get up! Realize that she didn’t want you to live this way! And realize that you need some help because no one can help you if you lie, no one can help you if you try to downplay the situation for what it really is.” She threw her hands up and started walking away.

…no one can help you if you lie; no one can help you if you try to downplay the situation for what it really is…

Those words… so much like my mother. I could see it now. That tough touch I needed, I could see it breaking through. I didn’t want her to defeat me, but the overwhelming need to keep this contained fiery passionate soul near me was suddenly impossible.

She had already started across the parking lot and towards her car. I walked quickly to her side; she saw me but said nothing as she set her stuff on the top of the black Monte Carlo she stood next too.

“I’m sorry.” I said leaning back against the car.

“I know its okay. I understand. More then you know, listen.” She pulled the stuff off the roof and then stood erect to look at me. “Here’s my card, my cells on the back. I heard about the drinking, should you need anything.  Call me, I’ll always answer.” She said placing the card in my hands. My cheeks went red as soon as I could feel the warmth of her against me.

“Okay?” She said slowly smiling trying to get an answer out of me. I shook my head. 

“Good.”

~*~Week Later~*~“

Joey… baby? Where are you? Honey?” Her voice trailed on, I smiled running up the stairs.

“Jessica!?” I rushed around the second floor and found a figure on the bed in the master bedroom.

“Baby…” She whispered, smiling I rushed to the bed and was suddenly surrounded by the white crisp satin sheets that covered the bed. The figure’s back was facing me and I finally relaxed seeing Jessica’s form.

“Honey.” I whispered turning her slowly and closing my eyes at the same time.

The kiss, always the same, electric. Heart pounding, I-can’t-seem-to-find-the-air-to-breath kind of kiss.

My arms went around her body pulling her close to me and I was lost in this moment. This dream like moment, because that’s what it really was. Just was dream. A dream I wanted too much to be real.I opened my eyes and was suddenly surprised, these eyes… they weren’t Jessica’s.

Hazel… creamy coffee…

“Lola?” The word becoming more of a question with such uncertainty. She mumbled to me again in a foreign tongue and held me close to her, grabbing my hands and placing them on her body.

“…touch me…” She whispered nibbling on my ear and pulling my hands up to her breasts.

“NO!” I jumped up in bed.

The sheets again covered in sweat. I shook my head falling out onto the floor trying to get away from the confines of the cotton linen sheets. I grabbed my robe and made my way downstairs.

The guys had cleaned me out. 

Twice. 

In one week.

All that booze gone. “Pricks.” I hadn’t had a drink in a while and tonight seemed like a good night as any to break my oh so good spirits.

I pulled the grand piano open and pulled out one of the three bottles I had hidden in such an emergency.I walked to the kitchen grabbing a cup on the way to the fridge.

I stopped short and saw the business card attached to the fridge.

Lola Garcia… 685…555…

I sighed and grabbed the phone, it rang once… twice…

Oh this is bullshit.

“Hello?” I held my breath. She picked it up. “Hello?”

“Hi.” I choked out.

“Whose this?” She said sleepily, followed by an OW.

“I’m sorry it’s late.” I shook my head about to hang up. Her slight giggle got me going again.

“I’m up already… you okay?” She asked softly.

“You know who this is?” I asked looking at the bottle.

“Of course… did you open it?” She asked as I heard the click of what had to be a lighter. I knew what she meant when she asked if I had opened it. It was amazing how she pegged the situation.

“No.” I said dryly.

“Good, open it and empty it out.” She said coughing into the phone.

“Smoking’s bad for you.” I said pointedly.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, one problem at a time. Get rid of it.” She said more sternly this time. 

I sighed and opened up the bottle and stood in front of the sink and I let the bottle drain dry.

“So what happened?” I walked around the kitchen and then made my way towards the living room. I didn’t want to wander but I didn’t want to sit, something about talking to Lola made me want… to do something. I needed to feel like I was doing something.

“A dream.” I whispered flopping down on the couch.

“Bad?”

“No… just unexpected. I wanted it to be something and it wasn’t what I expected at all.”She laughed slightly.

“Sounds complicated.” I chuckled with her.

“Not complicated, just awe inspiring.” She couldn’t help but giggle.

“Awe inspiring? Must have been a dozy.”  

And with that we setteled into a long conversation, it seemed to last only minutes but when I gazed at the clock and saw 5 am I knew it had taken hours.

“Oh my god it’s 5. I have to go.” She said yawning into the phone. “Listen, I’m having a party, its in like 3 days. I’d love it if you came.” She added. I thought for a second.

“Yeah, sure… can I bring my friend’s?” I asked.

“Yeah that’s fine, bring a suit. We have a pooool!” She giggled softly, the sound put a smile on my face.

“I will, good night.” I said softly not wanting to let her go.

“Good Morning. Sir, Good Morning.” She said her tone sporting a smile.

“Right…”

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

“Can I help you?” A tall burly looking Mexican guy opened up the door and I knew we were in the right place.

“JOEY! COME ON IN!” Lola had stuck her head out of the kitchen. “Move…  Juan.” She said standing out and looking at him.

“Hello Joey, my name is Juan.” His handshake was firm and for a second I was afraid she wasn’t single.

“Come on.” She said walking into the kitchen. My mind wandered over her body, tight black sofee shorts, and a tight fitting blue shirt that clung to her breasts. I shook my head.

NO!

“You want a soda?” She asked wiping her hands on a dishcloth after she has washed her hands. People were coming in and out of the small 2 bedroom apartment. They all seemed so happy... “Joey?” She asked looking at me more closely.

I shook my head yes. “Yeah, a soda’s fine.” I said, she looked at me for a second longer and then moved to the fridge.

“I GOT 20 BUCKS YOU CANT EAT HER SALSA!” Juan yelled laughing at Chris as they were both walking into the kitchen. She laughed, her eyes gleamed for a second and I wanted to take her in my arms and-

“Oh no, I got a 100 on 5 seconds.” She said laughing pulling the salsa from the fridge. Juan took the container from her. He pulled chip after chip after chip from the bowl in front of him, eating the red sauce. Swell had built up on his bald head and I wasn’t sure if it was from the cooking, the salsa, or the people that had gathered to watch.

“A 100? Man that is easy money.” Chris said getting a chip.

“Wait, I’m going to warn you now. Beer will only make it worse.” She said pulling a hundred out of her bra and slamming it on the island she was preparing her food from.

“I got this.” Chris said dipping the chip in the salsa, he smelled it and took a big bite. I watched as he started to chew, I could see him pause… he looked sick.

“He’s going to hold out watch…” Juan said laughing just as Chris stood over the sink and spit it out.

“HOT!” he squealed, searching for something to quench his thirst. Lola laughed offering him the full pitcher of water.

“Thank you for playing boys… pay up.” She looked at Juan and another guy standing next to him.

“He’s a wimp.” Juan mumbled and handed her the money letting out a loud joyous laugh.

The day flowed with such ease and I found it easier to be around the group, my hermit crab ways made me want to hide and go home, but being around Lola was slowly making that go away.

“Where you going?” She asked Juan as he came out holding a white shirt striped in baby blue. “I will not iron that for you.” She said suddenly not paying attention to him anymore.

“I’ll take out the trash.” He said holding out to her.

“That was low.” She said getting up.

“I love you too.” He blew kisses her way as she made her way to a room in the back. I sat on the couch and watched her walk away, I wanted to join her but something said to wait. “It’s okay, you can go with her.” Juan replied to the question that had not been asked. I shook my head and stood up watching the light shine in from a room.

I heard music and laughter mixed with talking. I pushed the door open with my foot and saw Lola on the bed ironing a shirt talking to a taller, skinny man I had met earlier name Carlos.

“Should I-“

“No.”

“What about the-“

“Yes, but I say wear the black Polo’s and not the ones you wear to work.”

She finished ironing the shirt just as Juan came back in from taking out the trash.

“Okay, hurry up.” She said standing up, I watched as the moved around it looked like a mess of nothingness, but I could see as they dressed Lola had pulled the shirts on both of the men, pulled out shoes, and even accessories. They moved around her and it fit. She took care of them and you could see this had been done before.

“No fighting, no gagging, no grabbing, no violence of any kind. I do NOT want to have to come and pick you up from anywhere.” She said putting the watches on each of them.

They shook their heads saying yes and kissing her cheek on the way out. She cleaned the room and I noticed pictures of her with many people, but this one guy stood out from the rest.

He was in every shot she was in, always with his arm around her as if trying to never let her go. I could see her happy face, she stared up at him with such joy and admiration. You could just see the love they shared even if it was just in a picture.

“That’s Javi, he was my first love.” She sighed looking over the pictures, I saw in her eyes what I had seen every day for the last year and some odd months. The pain of a lost love, one and the sorrow of never being able to see them again.

“Movie?” She asked pulling a big armoire open and revealing a large TV with a bunch of movies under it. I sat on the bed and watched her ramble through the DVD cases trying to find something she would like. “Uh… Belly?” She asked pulling out an all white case. I shook my head, since we had been alone I think I spoke like 10 words to her. “You can chill its okay.” She said raising her hands in defeat.  

We watched the movie in silence, I had moved onto the bed and laid next to her, it was nice to feel someone warm against me again. Not just in a sexual manner but I could really feel her next to me, even if I couldn’t see her I always knew she would be there. I could smell her shampoo, floral mixed with a light scent of perfume. It was distinctly and uniquely hers, I leaned over and took a bigger sniff.

I opened my eyes and could see her hazel ones staring right at me. I wanted to back off, but I read it in her face.

She wants me to kiss her…

I moved in slowly giving her the time she needed to back away.

She didn’t.

I could feel her warm breath on me as our lips met. I could feel the gasp of air she took quickly after our lips met. The shock was intense, it flowed. This was the way it was meant to happen. I could feel the heat start in the core of my body. Everything in me was screaming take her take her I knew it was wrong so I backed off.

“I think I should go.” I stood from the bed and walked to the door, I looked back and saw her looking at me.

“Yeah…” She said standing up, I hurried out of the room and into the living and out the front door.

Chapter 5

I sat in the lounge chair and watched Lola. She didn’t speak one word to me. We had been sitting in this room for almost an hour and the best we could muster was the weather.

Fuck this.

I stood up. “Where are you going?” She asked watching me, something in her voice sounded panicy but I held my ground. She was NOT going to turn me down. She was NOT going to tear down what I need to work for.

“If I want to sit on a couch and do nothing for an hour I can do that at home.” I said walking out of the room, this time, clearly I was not followed.

~*~Later that day~*~

“5! 6! 7! 8! Left, right, side, down, spin, kick…” Wade was in the middle of the floor showing the Chris a new routine for the 5th time.

“You all right man?” Lance asked sliding down the wall next to me.

“Yeah I guess… man I don’t know. I kissed her.” I shook my head staring at the space between my legs.

“Was it bad?” He questioned.  I shook my head no. “Did she back away?” I shook my head no. “I don’t see the problem.” He smiled looking at me, happy I guess to see I had made some kind of move on someone else.

“I left her… I said it was a bad idea.” I could hear the air he sucked into mouth through his teeth, I could suddenly see what had happened. “I said it was a bad idea…” I looked up and glanced at his face. He was smiling like an idiot and I knew I had hit it on the head. I grabbed my phone and dialied her number, although I had taken it out of the phone my memory knew it clearly.

“Hello?” The voice was sweet, caring.

“Lola?” I asked fully stepping into the hallway and closing the door behind me.

“Hey…” She said slowly, this was going to be hard.

“I wanted to apologize for my behavior today, it was unwarranted and I am sorry I was so rude.” I waited for her to say something.

“Thank you…” She said softly after a minute.

“Listen, I’d like to take you to dinner.” I let it sit.

“Joey I-” I couldn’t hear no.

“Please?” I waited, I heard her sigh and then I waited another second.

“Anything in mind?”

~*~3 days later~*~

“Thanks for the dinner.” She fiddled with her skirt on her lap as I drove her back to her car.

“Yes, it was the least I could do.” The conversation had flowed until we got into the car to go home. Suddenly the ending of the night was scary, like I would never see her again. We rode in silence up the driveway; she was out of the car before I could open her door. “Would you like a drink? Maybe some coffee?” I watched as she stood away from me.

Deer caught in the headlights, was all that came to mind. She considered the option for a moment and then took a step closer to me.

“I would love some coffee.” Her voice was small but she still walked towards me. I unlocked the door and stood in the doorway until she had made it through. I closed the door and hit the lights on slowly as I made my way towards the kitchen. I started making the coffee thinking she was right behind me. I turned and saw no one.

“This is magnificent.” She called out, I followed her voice to the den and I could see her eyeing the bible I had gotten from Vatican City. 

“Yeah, we met the pope, he gave us a blessing. Great honor.” I leaned against the wall and watched her eye, touch and admire a lot of the memories I had brought home from my trips abroad. I could smell her light floral scent move away from me, I moved with it. I watched her legs move in the baby blue strappy heels that hugged her pedicure’d feet accenting her legs curving up to that tight, round ass I just wanted to reach out and…

NO!

I pulled back my hand but continued to follow her scent. She had said nothing is this short amount of time and I could feel myself follow her around the room. I closed my eyes taking in one more whiff. I hadn’t realized how close I was until I felt her warmness bump into me. She gasped as I opened my eyes, watching her whirl in front of me.

“I’m sorry… I just… I-I…” I stammered on lifting my hands in defense. In that second I was lost and all I could see was this little frame of a person jumped into my arms. I caught her and held her close. He hands were on the sides of my face; pulling herself close to me she kissed me.

There it was again.

That shock, that surge through my body and I could feel every inch of her body that I held against my body. She was smaller than I thought, suddenly mind flooded with all the things I could do to her small sexy frame, it was better than I had expected I felt her pull away and I held her tight, her legs wrapped around me and her arms around my neck our tongues fighting against each other. I pushed her up against the wall running my hand up her leg, up her thigh and grabbing that round ass.

“Wait!” She yelled suddenly pulling back. “I-” She stopped herself; she pulled away from me, her body sliding down mine. “I am so sorry.” She shook her head trying to collect. My breath was still ragged and I could see the struggle for her to walk.

“Lola…” I said reaching for her as she passed by me in a daze. She looked at me and I couldn’t help myself. I swooped down and grabbed her pinning her back against the wall. The moan of approval could be heard from her throat, she wrapped her legs around me again and we continued from where we had just left off.

The mess of our bodies finally hit the ground and she rolled on top of me. Her lips were soft and the taste of her was intoxicating mint mixed with honey and warm cinnamon.

“We have to stop… what are we doing?” She slowly pulled away from me. “I have to go.” She sounded confused; I didn’t stop her this time. I lay on the floor staring at the ceiling.

“What now…” I said softly as the front door closed and she was gone.

~*~A week later~*~

“I’M COMING!” I grumbled I had been in the studio all week and I just wanted to sleep in this Sunday. I dragged my ass out of bed slowly wrapping the robe around my body and walked down the stairs.

KNOCK! KNOCK!

“WHAT!?” I yelled opening the door, I saw Lola and her eyes getting big as saucers. “No, I’m sorry. It was just a late night.” I shook my head. “Come in, please.” I closed my robe and stepped to the side, she walked in with 2 cups of coffee and a small pink box.

“Good morning.” She said brightly passing by me with a smile on her face.

Good morning indeed…

I slammed the door and followed her into the kitchen, she sat on one of the bar stools and opened the pink box.

“I got you a chocolate bear claw and me a chocolate éclair.” She said putting the bear claw on napkin and pushed it towards me. I took the pastry and leaned against the counter and watched her.

“So… to what to I owe this pleasure?” I watched her trying to avoid me, it was a little maddening but I could feel the tension despite the cheery dispositions.

“Listen, I-I don’t want to keep fighting this.” She looked at me, this was new between the phone calls, conversations, dinner…

“I don’t follow…” I shook my head, I followed I just wanted to see where she went with this. She rolled her eyes at me.

“What’s going on between us, Joey, clearly are coming quick to a crossroads. We cannot continue to see each other professionally.” She shook her head taking a sip of her coffee. I didn’t like where this was going.

“You’re saying?” I questioned.

Her face held firm and she thought her next thought through.

“I’m not going to say it, I’m not going to say anything...” She looked to the side and sighed deeply, she turned on the bar stool and made her way to leave. “I must have made a mistake, I apologize for such an early wake up call.” She grabbed her purse, she wouldn’t look at me. I didn’t understand, why… why was she leaving?

“Don’t go…” I whispered; she must not have heard me while she dug through her purse.

“Our professional relationship has come to an end… I know of some highly regarded people in the field, I’ve made a few calls, only the best.” She moved to leave a card on the counter top.

“Please don’t go.” I looked at her, she looked away. I couldn’t tell but it looked like tears were forming. “Stay, I understand, I don’t know what it is. The psychical attraction, it keeps me awake at night.” I watched her face, my eyes roaming down her curves that showed off wonderfully in the shorts and light fitting tee shirt.

“I don’t want to just be like that.”

“We’ll work it out.” I pulled her into a hug. “It will be okay.”

This Chapter is graphic NC-17 please this is not for those who are easily offended by sexual content

Chapter 6

She kept me grounded, never staying to long, never being away long either. She knew what I needed the space, the time, the affection and it flowed from her. It was hard not to try and get her into bed, fighting against my natural instinct when it came to women. I wanted to prove that I could do this right that we could be able to be happy like she wanted, because, deep down I really wanted that too.

I wanted to be happy with her, not for anyone’s sake I wanted to be happy period. She made me feel right again, the way Jessica used too. It wasn’t sadness anymore it was a new sense of being, finding someone to connect with after so long.

Weeks turned into months and months had turned into the end of the No Strings Attached album. We were putting the finally touches on the CD and would be out promoting soon. Everything fell into place and I rushed to my home to give Lola the good news. I was expecting to call her but her car in the driveway was the best surprise of all.

I jumped from the SUV, happy on another euphoric level. I felt like me again and finally another pretty lady was waiting for me, not the superstar me, but me, just Joey.

“LOLA!” I yelled walking into the house.

“UPSTAIRS!” She responded, I rushed up the stairs taking two at a time, I busted through the door and there she stood, in was a simple black negligee. It hugged her breasts and flowed around her body, I could see her swallow deeply as she pirouetted in front of me slowly. I hadn’t noticed the fishnet stockings or the black heels, my eyes finally made their way up to her face and I could see she was scared.

“Congratulations.” She said already fit with her own surprise. My mouth was dry and even if it hadn’t been I was unable to produce words. Nothing came, just sexual images… “Is it too much?” She asked suddenly feeling shy.

I closed the gap between us and I could feel we were finally on the same level. I liked the negligee but it was in the way of what I’d been waiting months for, ripping it off the top of her body shocked her. Lifting her up she pushed herself away from me positioning her breasts right in front of my face, my mouth went at her nipples, pulling and biting as I sat down on the bed with her on my lap.

She purred in my ear, moaning my name softly, my hand found her pussy, and she cried out, a fresh wave of lubrication coated my hand and I felt I would bust right there. I stood pushing her onto the bed, she backed away confused, I ripped my clothes off as fast as I could. The only thought in my head was get in her, you love this women get in her already.

She smiled and sat up on the bed pulling my hips to her, her lips making contact with my dick was it. It was over. I looked down to watch her lapping up each drop that I had, continuing to suck and lick on my shaft kept me hard. I pushed her back, moving her into a position where I could look at her. I just wanted to look at her, I wanted to show her the love I had built up over the last few months, it was clearly meant for us now. I could see it, to wait so long. It made perfect sense, we had known then what was undeniable now… we were in love.

I could see her eyes grow big as I slid into her. She cried out again throwing her legs around my waist, pulling her body to mine. I held her close and stood up pushing her against the closest wall. I watched each time I filled her up her face would twist in pleasure and I could see the fire building in her eyes.

“I love you.” She whispered softly, I stopped mid-stroke and looked at her straight in the eye.

“Say it again.” I said, her face looked unsure and I slammed into her in one hard stroke, she cried out but didn’t protest. “Say it again!?” I almost shouted; I had to hear her say it again.

“I LOVE YOU!” She shouted, after that it was like a scene from a movie, the passionate love scene, I swiped everything off the dresser and placed her on top of it and drove myself inside of her, she watched me so intently. Whispering, moaning and cooing my name each time it was right. I felt her cum on me over and over again the sensation pushing me closer and closer to another orgasm. I stopped wanting to wait, to prolong this, I knew this would be explosive when it finally happened and all I wanted to do was stay inside her.

I let her go afraid the orgasm would take over me, she moved to the bed and collapsed onto her back, rolling onto her stomach and pushed her ass up at me, I smiled, and she was defiantly my type of girl. I climbed onto the bed and slid inside her again, she gasped calling my name again meeting me thrust for thrust she had wanted it just like me. I lay on top of her small frame and if it hurt she didn’t complain. I hugged her body close and I continued to give her everything I had, she was gasping and calling out for me to hold her tighter, to push in farther, most shocking of all she asked me to cum inside her. With a shudder I did, I filled her womb with my seed and I felt cleanse.

“Oh my god… I love you.” I whispered, it had taken it all out of me and I sniffled back a tear.

This is what it’s supposed to be like…

I kissed her back finally noticing a big tattoo… huge really it took up most of her upper back. I was surprised I’d never seen it before. Colors, shapes, words, and names it all blended to make a beautiful piece of art on her back.

“Did it hurt?” I asked tracing over some lines, I had one tattoo but nothing compared to this.

“The emotional pain hurt more… my mom and my dad there right here….” She said softly touching a spot o her back that displayed 2 names… Ramona and Luis Garcia always loved and never forgotten. “My Tony… here’s right here…” She placed her hand over a clown and a section on her upper back by her shoulder blade surrounded by hearts, broken ones, fully colored ones, ones that were black and white.

“What happened?” I asked when she met my gaze. She sighed fully and debated on her choices.

“They killed him, not they… my brother.” She whispered, shock crossed my face and suddenly different thoughts clouded my head. Had he hurt her? Did he deserve what happened?

“It was… it was just a business move for Mannie, he was in a bad way, I met Tony when he started hanging out with Manuel, my brother, I wasn’t prepared for the pushed over feeling I got when I met him. After that we were always together, friends at first, he would take me places when Manuel didn’t want to go. We just got close, and one day he kissed me after he dropped me off at my friend’s house. It’s like when I kiss you, I get dizzy, loss my sense of balance and that is amazing because I’ve only felt that one other time…” She said looking at me. I smiled and was glad it was the same for her.

“Anyway, uh… after we were together for a while, my brother finally found out and he made him swear he wouldn’t come around me again… that didn’t go over very well. He found us one day, we were at the park, feeding the ducks, and walking around the lake… it was like for once we were normal. A normal couple. No brother’s, No FBI, we were just us… happy and in love. Then Mannie came out, it was a shock, a surprise. He separated us, he forbade us, but it didn’t stop us. He would constantly sneak into the property, sleep with me, stay with me convinced it was unsafe.” She shook her head shaking away the memory.

She sat up, taking the pillow and covering her body, she looked distant I could see the memory playing in her head, I knew what that was like, to be lost, to feel like you can’t let go.

“We had moved out, to our own place, it worked, for months. Mannie didn’t know where we were, we lived off the coast and had a beach house. He had saved every dime he made with Mannie, I came home one day and there was Tony, he was… they-they shot him. I don’t care what anyone told me it wasn’t a robbery it wasn’t anything like that. It was Mannie I already knew that, I didn’t need someone to tell me.” She shook her head and laughed at me, it was the type of laugh you use when you are unsure of what to say next.

“But it’s okay now.” I said putting my chin on her shoulder, she shivered under the bristles of my mustache.

“Yeah…” She said still apprehensive. “It’s going to be fine.”

~*~GYM~*~

“55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60! BREAK!” Johnson yelled at us, I was pumped I hadn’t felt so invigorated in what felt like years. I could finally breathe and the sadness was lifting barely even noticeable from my perspective. I could see it and from the looks of those around me they could see it.

“You ready man?” JC asked sitting next to me while I watched as Justin and Chris playful tried to beat up a blue and red punching bag. I smiled and wiped the sweat from my face.

I shook my head at him. “Yeah… yeah man, for once I am really ready for whatever is coming at me. You guys were right.” I slapped him on the back. “I’m going to ask her to come with me.” JC’s back straightened like a board.

“You think that’s wise? Giving your nature?” He questioned me, if I wasn’t better acquainted with him I would swear he was now trying to downplay Lola’s usefulness.

“My history has nothing to do with it!” I snapped, I held my breath for a second and then sighed deeply. “Jace, it’s not like that… I finally get it; I finally understand what was wrong with the situation. I’m better because she made me better.” I explained it as best as I could emphasizing the right words.

“A women does not make you feel whole. A women enhances what you have.” He said softly, I looked at his thoughtful glance while he fiddled with the towel in his hands.

“I was whole when she finally gave in. I could finally breath, it’s not like it was with… you know. This is new, this is different.” I closed my eyes and thought carefully before the last words slipped out of my mouth. He stood then, I wasn’t sure if I had said anything to offend him, what had I said, but I was to happy to really care.

I pulled my bag out of the backseat and smiled eyeing Lola’s Monte Carlo.

We could get a swim in and we could go for a walk around the neighborhood…

Suddenly a flash of me, Lola and a child walking down the streets, this was just what I wanted to be living. I shook it off and opened the door. I walked in and could hear the clink and clank of bottles. I winced. I should have cleaned it out.

“Lola?” I asked setting my stuff down even though I knew quite well where she was. I made my way into the living room and she was bent over the piano and into its hollow body. I could see 3 bottles, FULL bottles she had found.

“They are all over the house.” She whispered slumping onto the bench. “I thought we were over this?” She asked not really expecting an answer.

“It is mama, I promise you. It’s over it’s not like that anymore, not since…” My words trailed on and I quickly grabbed the bottles.

“What are you doing?” She asked, looking scared as if I would lose her for these bottles. I ignored her and went straight into the kitchen, opening as many at once that I could and emptying them just as quickly. I looked at her and she was genuinely shocked, I grabbed her and set her on the island.

“It’s over. I’m not going there again.” My eyes tried to plead my case. “I’m not going to fail. I promise.” She looked at me and I could see her indecision. “Come with me.”

“Where?” She asked softly.

“On tour.” She looked at me baffled. “You don’t want to go? With me?”

“I-I-I- er… I just…” She shook her head. “This is to much.” She pushed herself away from me. “The next thing you know, you’re going to say I love you…” She looked at me then. I felt the blood flush into my cheeks. It was like she could read it, before it was even close to being a reality.

“No.” She said suddenly and turned to get away from me.

I shook my head confused; I followed her from the room and into the hall stopping her right as she got to the door.

“What do you mean… no? No as in you don’t want it, no as in you don’t love me, no as in you love me but it’s too soon and it’s creeping you out?” It was her turn to turn a bright, bright red.

“I-I… I can’t do this right now, please, please let me leave.” She stood there for a moment avoiding looking at me, my gaze full of good intentions but I could see her vulnerability, I obliged and stepped out of her way. She opened the door and with that the conversation was over before it had really begun.

Chapter 7

I moped around the house for the rest of the day unsure of what to do, I didn’t drink, but it felt like that’s what I should be doing. My cell phone rang, I jumped up quickly searching for it in hopes that it was Lola.

“Hello?” I asked breathlessly.

“Is this Joey?” A gruff male voiced.

I was unsure to answer.

“Is this him?” He asked a little more agitated.

“Yes, yeah it’s me.” I said sitting on the couch.

“What did you do to Marisol?” The voice asked again.

“Who is this?” I asked suddenly offended, I knew of no Marisol and I didn’t like someone talking to me in that tone.

“Juan, from the party she invited you too. All these checks man, these letters from your friend Josh.” I was confused.

“Who are you talking about? What checks?” I asked still baffled.

You could hear a small argument in the background.

“Oh…” He spoke some Spanish I didn’t understand. “Lola, puto.” His tone was very unfriendly. I debated for a second and then I replied quickly.

“I’m coming over right now.” I slammed the phone closed and grabbed my keys, it was dark outside I didn’t really look at the clock but I could tell it was not just evening anymore. I contemplated everything he had said. Things still didn’t make sense.

I arrived before I knew it and rushing to the door just as fast. It was opened before I could knock.

“NO JUAN!” Someone else yelled I ducked quickly feeling a flush of air pass by me. I looked up and another gangly guy was holding Juan back.

“SHE WATCHED HER NIGGA DIE! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?!” He yelled being pushed back by the guy who didn’t look like he could hold back a pack of white frilly poodles. I was confused it just added more flame to the fire of curiosity.

“Look at him man, no ves? He has no idea what you’re talking about.” The gangly one said, I remembered his face from the party but the name eluded me at the moment. Juan huffed and walked away.

“Since when was her name Marisol?” I asked him putting the simple question out first.

“Since she was born. Listen I don’t know why we are here, I don’t care. All I know is that she left today, she went back to California, she asked us to pack up and now we’re leaving.” He conclueded and waited for me to say something.

Leaving?

“What letters?” I asked shaking my head again, it was getting so jumbled together and nothing seemed to fit. He stood to the side and I walked in, sitting on the couch. He held out a box for me, it was full of pictures and small heart shaped notes and then I saw them. JC’s hand writing clear as day on the line, in the corner with his personal address.

You could tell none of them had been cashed up to a certain date… it looked like the date we kissed for the first time, the day I felt the real spark. I shook my head, pulling one out.

…I know it’s hard for you to get over what happened… I need your help… he’s lost and we’re not sure what to do anymore… please do this for me, he’s a great friend and I hate to see him wasting his life away…

The letter read on with the conditions and rules that applied just to me. He had sent for her, to deceive me. The love I felt for her was makeshift on her part. I grabbed the checks and the letters and walked out of the house, no one followed behind me and I didn’t blame them.

I pounded on the front door, rang his door bell like crazy. The lights finally came on upstairs and I knew he was finally awake. He opened the door pulling the robe closed around his body.

“Joey? What’s wrong? Come in.” He moved to the side, I didn’t make a move to enter the house I just paced on his porch trying to find the right words to day. “Or, stay outside…” He watched me for a second and then out of nowhere I threw the checks at him, he shook his head and then picked one up and I could see his face go pale like I had just hit him with a ton of bricks.

“WHY?!” I yelled this time, I wasn’t going to hurt him, but god damn was I fucking close.

“We didn’t know how to help you… we hated to see you like that. She fought like hell when Tony died, I thought she would teach you to fight, I never thought for one second you would fall in love with her. I asked her to leave; I asked that she not put it on so thickly.” He sat on the step to the porch. “She said she was falling for you, that she needed you like you needed her. I told her it was in her best interest to stay away from you. That it would only be a matter of time that you told her you loved her and then to leave her.”

My eyes grew big, that was what she meant. She thought it was all some line. Whew. At least that was a load off. “I need her address.” I said my tone had no emotion. JC looked up for a second and then shook his head.

I pulled up in front of a large white house, kids ran across the yard into the next, women sat on the porch, while the men huddled into a circle around a black Chevrolet.

Was this right?

I could see now why the money was so tempting, if this was how she lived before, you could tell that she just wanted out.

I climbed out of the car and made my way up the walkway to the front door before I could knock there was someone who cleared his throat off to the side. I looked over and saw someone in a wheel chair, his legs strapped in but his top was fully functional.

“You Joey?” He asked wheeling to me, I shook my head extending my hand to him. He looked at me for a second and then shook it. “Juan said you would be coming, Josefina is inside.” He said tilting his head to the side while he opened the door. I looked in and saw a older TV playing a soap opera in Spanish, looked a lot like the one Lo-Marisol would watch when she was at my house spending the day with me.

“Joseph.” The women stood from the chair slowly and made her way to hug me. “I knew you would come… she’s right so much like my Tony.” I waited a minute while she looked at me. “Come you must be hungry.” She walked to the kitchen slowly pulling a soda from the fridge and a glass pushing a plate of bread towards me. “Eat.” She added, not wanting to be rude I sat down and took a bite of the bread.

It melted in my mouth and oozed with the pineapple filling it contained. 

“I need to tell you, why she came home.” She said sitting down in front of me. “She was with my Tony for a short while, but you could see the love they shared. The way commitment meant nothing to them, they gave a whole new meaning to a married couple. Love was not easy for her, Tony fought… and hard. Just to make her see that she was beautiful, not just looks but that she had more than that.”She smiled at the memory. “Tony just wanted to see her happy, truly happy and not just what she showed off. Then he died and she… changed. Not in a bad way but you could tell she wasn’t as open anymore, never cried at the funeral, didn’t cry when we buried him, if she did cry it was never around us. She fought to maintain what she had had before Tony came to her, but it was never the same. Not without Tony. Then she shows up here yesterday, crying her eyes out. She was afraid she had been unfaithful to a man, who clearly was not coming home to her ever again.” He words sounded so… cold. “I see…” She stopped for a second and studied my face.

“When those you love are taking away abruptly, finding a way to cope is hard. I am just real, and I know that Tony wouldn’t want her to live her life like this. Sad when she falls in love, upset with herself that she is betraying her love. If you love her, it will take time. She lost her parents at a young age; it’s hard to come back from that… whole, when you’re just a child.” I shook my head.

“Where is she?” I asked glancing around.

“The cemetery, she went to see Tony… I think it’s best if you saw her too.” She stood up and pulled a paper from the counter. “We were ready, they way she talked about you… we’re happy she has finally moved on after all this time.” She put her hand on my shoulder and guided me to the door. “It’s been nice to meet you.” She said following me to the front door, the visit seemed short but I was eager to get to her.

Chapter 8

It had taken longer than I had expected to find it but when I did I could see her clear as day. A deep blue blouse in the sea of gray and marble tombstones. I parked and walked slowly I truly didn’t want to ruin this for her when she clearly needed to be here, for her own reasons even if I didn’t understand.

I could hear her talking as I came up on her but the words were a jumble. “… he’s so much like you papi. He’s so lost… so sad like you were towards the end.” I could hear her sniffle a bit. “I slept with him… it felt right but wrong… you know. Wrong because it wasn’t you, right because… I am in love.” She touched his tombstone and sighed. “How I’ve missed you so much.” Her voice broke on the last word.

I sat down next to her; she glanced at me and then looked away. “You two would have gotten along you know? Always so funny. Life of the party type of shit.” She smiled to herself, we sat quietly for a second and then she looked at me again. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t honest with you and I cannot explain how bad I feel. You have to understand, I didn’t know you, I didn’t care when I got here who you were or anything. It- I didn’t think it would happen this way.” She said finally looking at me and what could I do, I wasn’t mad cause it really didn’t matter here, I followed her to the end of her world and she still let me in… how could I not be there for her?

“I’m here, I get it… parts of it at least.” I chuckled. “I want you to come on tour with me. I-I need you there.” I tried to keep my voice level; I didn’t want to risk the chance of missing what I had with her.

She paused for a moment and stared at me intently. “Okay, as long as that’s what you need… I’ll go.” She shook her head slightly and smiled. “I’m glad you came.” She whispered putting her forehead on my lips.

~*~2 months later~*~

*Marisol’s P.O.V.*

“Marisol? A word please?” He finally caught me alone, I had been avoiding Mr. Wright for weeks and he had cornered me alone while Joey changed.

“Sure…” I paused softly looking at the door wishing to god this was one of those days Joey stuck his head out to blow a kiss at me, but we were already late, after the small make out session in a dark corner of the backstage area. We would often sneak away together, before the show to do our own little ritual. We found it hard to stay away from each other and that’s what made this conversation with Johnny so important, I knew what he was going to say but I was hoping he would let it go.

“I’ve noticed the improvement in Joey’s demeanor, glad to see he’s back.” His voice was layered with smugness.

“Yes, he really wanted to come back from that.” I moved in tune with his steps.

“I think it’s time you took your leave… permanently.” He emphasized the word and I was loaded with the relief and anger that I had been right.

“I don’t really think that’s up to you.” I stopped and looked up at him, though he toward me even in the 2 inch heels I wore.

He sighed heavily. “I am a rational man; I understand what is going on here. You caught onto a free ticket giving Joey what he wanted, but now it’s time for you to leave. This is what is in the best interest of him and the group. This is deceitfulness and I will not have it.” I was about to re buff that was not what this was about, I had been accused so much since I had come on tour, it made me want to get away and wait for him in Orlando but realized that two men stood behind me. “I’m not asking Marisol. Your stuff has been moved to the car waiting outside. These men will ensure you get on the plane at JFK. Let’s remember the connections I have dear, don’t make me go any farther than this.” He turned and walked away.

I didn’t even get a chance, I didn’t even get a second to say anything to him. I stood straight and started around the men.

“Please, I don’t want to have to restrain you ma’am.” The large black man on the left stopped me.

“Don’t do this… you don’t understand.” I whimpered.

“It’s not my job to understand.” His voice was thick with authority, I pulled back, and this was not the face of a man who remotely wanted to help me. I hung my head to the ground and I walked on out of the hallway that led to the outside. I looked to the side and I saw Stephen standing out of the light, I shot him a glance but I was deflected just as fast. I knew the way he felt about me like I was trying to take what Joey was making.

Gold-digger.

His words had stung because he knew how happy we were together… when he was around. Gold-digger. My ass, he was more upset that Joey was spending time with me and not going to the club, tabbing the bill, getting the chicks.

Joey.

Although, I did love him, he always wanted to go out, always wanted to get drunk, he was on another level then me and I wasn’t there anymore… how could I compete with those women? The blondes always made his head turn, often loving the role play with the blonde wig. Playful at the time and now brought to the fore front. They gave it to him without any reason. He would be like before and use them then walk away.

I hardly ever saw him after he came to California, always working but then again that was the life right not being able to really have a life, keeping appearances, where I was not allowed to go. It seemed like so much of his life was hidden from me, the connection we shared was good but I couldn’t put my finger on it and I knew there was something missing.

I sat in the terminal wedged between the two men who waited with me while my flight to…

Dallas?

I sighed heavily, time had went by so fast with him and I rationalized with myself that I would give him till the end of the tour… maybe he would be back to the guy I fell for not the one that showed up after the reunion.

What was 6 months… he was always so busy for me, how would he have time to do anything else? Thoughts of meeting him in Orlando when he got home flooded my mind. My love wouldn’t change for him in so little time; I would write him e-mails and try to explain my absence. It would be okay, truth be told that was not the life for me, partying like that.

6 months… it’s going to be fine.

“FLIGHT 5923 JFK to DALLAS not boarding first class!” The speaker shouted above us, the stood and I stood with them, preparing to board the plane.

~*~3 months later – Orlando FL~*~

I stood outside with a big beach hat on and sunglasses, in any other place I am sure it would look obvious, but the Florida sun was bight and I needed the shade while I waited for him outside the terminal with the cabs. He hadn’t responded to the e-mail’s, I was not allowed into any concerts that I went to; his number was changed shortly after I had left.

Now he was just a celebrity and I was a person just trying to get a glimpse. When I had thought of the plan I never imaged that I wouldn’t be able to get a hold of him at all. I sensed that Johnny was to blame I knew he would have wanted us far apart.

I saw the medium sized crowd come out, Justin as always going first, followed by the guys, a smaller group surrounding them. Then I saw him, he stood tall, big smile on his face waving to the crowd stopping to pose for pictures. I lit up and stood tall hoping I could shout loud enough for him to hear me while I walked towards him closer.

I stopped short, a girl never leaving his side, protected by the bodyguards. Joey had his hand wrapped firmly around hers. Her free hand patting her belly slightly. I stared at them for what seemed like months, I guess he caught the intense glare I was throwing at him. I was sure he could see me and in that instant he dropped her hand. He looked down at her and I could see the struggle he had to compete with, she held onto his arm tightly and clutched her belly.

It took a second but I finally put it together… they were pregnant.

So much for a love that lasts forever…

He looked back at me and I slowly lowered my hand, my smile fading. I stuck my chin out and turned around getting into the cab I had waiting.

“The Hilton please.” I said pulling the hat off my head, I peeked outside and Joey had not moved, finally making the connection himself, he stood there emotionless while the cab pulled off the curb.