Do you ever feel like if you don’t get away, you’re going to completely lose it? That everything and everyone is on your last nerve. Yeah…that’s my life right now. I feel like no matter what I do it’s just not good enough because people feel they deserve more from me. Do you know how draining that type of lifestyle can be? Everyone knows when I work out, eat, sleep, travel and date. My life has absolutely no privacy. It’s to the point where I’ve completely forgotten who I am and what my life was like before all of this.

I’ve started to go numb to everything now. I live day to day just going through the motions, not really caring about anything or anyone. I live my life because I have to; I have obligations to live up to…not because I want to. I don’t get to take a day off just because…I’m on-call twenty-four hours a day not just to my manager, but my record label, my publicist and especially my fans. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fans…I’d be nothing without them. But sometimes you just need to be alone; lately those times are becoming more frequent.

Life wasn’t always like this but sometimes I forget or maybe it’s just too hard to think back to when my life had meaning…meaning beyond how many albums or tickets I sell…I’m talking about where you live each day to just feel alive, to live for something or someone, to make your life worth while.

Basically my life has been a whirlwind since the release of my latest album. I’ve been on the road for months and been doing promotion from the minute I wake up till the minute my head hits the pillow at night. I’m completely burnt out. I guess that’s the reason I’m laying awake in an unfamiliar bed, at a hotel on the beaches of North Carolina. Why North Carolina? I guess I wanted to be as far away from Los Angeles as possible and spending my vacation on the opposite coast sounded like a good idea to me.

I can hear the sound of waves lapping against the shore and something about that sound is so relaxing and exhilarating at the same time. Knowing I’m thousands of miles away from the headaches and stress of my life is enough to make me get out of bed. I know that the minute I walk out that door, I don’t have to be the THE Justin Timberlake…I can just be Justin and that’s invigorating.

Stretching my arms above my head, I slowly walked towards the balcony and opened the wooden doors. I’m immediately hit with a breeze from the ocean and the smell of salt water attacks my nose. My eyes are immediately drawn to two little kids playing in the sand below. They must be around five years old and clearly best friends…the little girl is running around the boy’s head which is protruding out from the sand. She’s laughing hysterically as he’s trying desperately to get out from underneath and her smile is contagious. They are the epitome of innocence and what I wouldn’t give to regain some of that. To not have a care in the world and just be a kid again. Shaking those thoughts from my head, I walked back inside and hopped into the shower. Hoping the water would wash away the pain from this past year.

After getting cleaned up, I decided to head down to the hotel’s restaurant for some breakfast. Filling my stomach with enough food to last me all day, I went down to the beach. Desperately needing to just be alone, I walked along the water’s edge and let the waves run over my feet. It was refreshing to be able to walk alone on the beach and not have to worry if anyone would recognize me. I could be completely free here.

So, I know what you must be thinking...this guy lives a life that most people would dream of and he’s got more money than he knows what to do with. What an ungrateful bastard? That’s severely not the case. I am extremely grateful for my life and my job but sometimes a person just needs alone time. That’s what this vacation is supposed to be about. Last week, I called my manager, Johnny and told him I would be gone for three months, I didn’t want to talk business and unless something was an emergency, I’d prefer to be left alone period. I needed to recharge my batteries and getting as far away from Los Angeles would be the only way to do it.

Once I had walked up and down the beach several times, I decided to go back towards the hotel, maybe grab a surfboard and hit the waves. Mindlessly, I walked up the beach completely caught up in my thoughts; I didn’t even notice the girl walking through with a million papers in her hands. Suddenly, she collided hard with my chest and the papers went flying everywhere. She landed with a thud onto the sand and I immediately outstretched my hand to help her up.

“I’m so sorry…I should’ve been paying attention.” I mumbled as she slipped her hand into mine and stood up.

“No, it’s my fault sir. I was too busy thinking about other things and didn’t pay attention to where I was going.” She said as she bent down and started collecting her papers.

I bent down and started gathering some papers and handed them to her. She smiled at me and it was nice to actually have someone genuinely appreciate a small gesture. “Here you go.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry again sir. Enjoy your stay at the Radisson.” It was in that moment that I noticed her attire. Obviously she’s an employee here, I guess the polo with Radisson clearly written across the chest, should’ve given that away. But I guess I’m not that perceptive at first glance.

“Wait, what’s your name?” I don’t know why I just blurted that out.

“Alyssa.” She answers before turning away and walking towards the events building. I watched her walk away until she finally disappeared behind the doors. Shaking that encounter from my thoughts, I continued on my way back to the hotel and headed upstairs to retrieve my surfboard. This vacation was exactly what I needed.

________________________________________________________________________
I spent nearly the entire afternoon out in the ocean. There’s nothing better than being out in the middle of the water just waiting to catch the big wave, to feel the wind and feel that water splashing around you. It’s an amazing feeling; I don’t even know how to describe it, so we’ll leave it at that, just amazing.

I decided to sit down on the beach and watch the sunset. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I had time to enjoy a sunset. Settling into the sand, I stretched my arms back and propped myself up. This place was so calming…how could anyone not want to move here permanently?

“So you like to surf and you enjoy watching the sun before it sets?” A voice broke through my thoughts.

Turning my head, I looked up to see who was interrupting my peaceful moment. “I never get the time to enjoy moments like these, so I thought I’d take the time today.” I explained when I recognized Alyssa.

She knelt down beside me and smiled. “I guess I get to see it everyday…I don’t really pay much attention to it anymore.”

“I feel sorry for you then because this place is beautiful. How can you not take time out each day and just be thankful?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Next time, I’ll remember that.”

“I bet you will.” I smiled at her and turned my attention back to the ocean.

“Well, I’ll let you enjoy your sunset. Just wanted to say sorry again for earlier, I promise to pay more attention to where I’m going next time.” Alyssa went to get up and I stopped her. I don’t really know why, I don’t even know this girl.

“So what do you do here Alyssa?”

“I’m the event and promotions coordinator for the hotel. Basically anything going on here I’m in charge of.” She said while repositioning herself in the sand beside me.

“That sounds interesting…”

“Yeah, so far I enjoy it…I just graduated from college so this is kind of my first real job.” She begins to dust the sand off her legs and looks up towards me. “So, what’s your name?”

“Justin.” I smiled at her and outstretched my hand.

She quickly slipped hers into mine and shook. “Nice to meet you Justin. Do you mind if I ask you why you’re staying at the Radisson? I mean no offense but rarely do we get celebrities that stay here.”

“So if you know I’m a celebrity…why’d you ask for my name?”

“Because that’s the polite thing to do.” She smiled at me and I couldn’t help but take in her face. She was really pretty in that girl next door kind of way. Her hair was wavy from the ocean and humidity and her blue eyes shone brightly. She was still decked out in her polo and white shorts, but she was still cute. Obviously, she was around my age being she just graduated from school and it was nice to know I wasn’t the only one my age around here. Basically this hotel was filled with retired couples and families, doesn’t leave many people to hang out with.

“I guess I just needed a break from my life in Los Angeles. I needed a vacation.”

“That’s understandable…how long are you staying at the Radisson?”

“I’ll be here till August 15th. So for the next three months, we can continue to bump into each other.” Was I flirting with her? Oh man, I think I just did.

Alyssa stood from her spot and brushed the sand off her legs. “Well stop by the events building next time you’re out. Have a good night Justin.”

“Bye Alyssa.” With that, she turned and walked back towards the hotel before heading into the parking lot and getting into her car. I watched her car drive off before standing up and deciding to head back into the hotel. I was seriously exhausted from my exertion in the water today and I couldn’t wait to lie down in my bed. Maybe tomorrow I’ll make a stop at Alyssa’s office. I don’t know why but who said I couldn’t make friends here? I seriously need to stop over thinking things and just go to sleep.

Have you ever wondered why people come into our lives at exactly the right time? That somehow someone knew you needed a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on or maybe a friend to laugh with. I guess this vacation has allowed me to reflect upon my life and the people in it. I needed this time away from my life in Los Angeles just to recharge my batteries and remember who I am.

I’ve been hanging out with Alyssa pretty much every day since we bumped into each other. It’s been a blast getting to know her and I’m thankful I met her. Basically the entire hotel is filled with retired couples and families, so that doesn’t leave me with many people to hang out with. She’s really laid back and care-free and it’s nice to have her around. She’s definitely starting to rub off on me. She doesn’t care that I’m a celebrity and won’t restrain herself from putting me in my place and I love that.

We’ve talked a lot about her life in North Carolina from graduation, to her family and her job. She’s lived here her whole life and although California excites her, she wouldn’t trade this place for anything in the world. I can’t really blame her. Ever since I got here I’ve had nothing but a wonderful time. Which reminds me, I’ve got to go pick her up for lunch. She’s busy planning the party for the fourth of July and I told her I’d take her out for a bit. Alyssa insists that we go to a crab shack for lunch and I can’t say I’m thrilled about it. I don’t understand the point of spending twenty minutes ripping, tearing, and cracking open shells only to get a quarter size amount of meat. Seems kind of pointless to me but Alyssa swears she’s got a system to it. Not going to lie, the only reason I agreed to go here was to see her “system” in action.

After making the quick walk to the events building, I opened the door and am immediately hit with a rush of cool air. I made a swift right and started walking towards her office. I rapped my knuckles on the door and her head snapped up from her computer. “Hey are ya ready to go?”

“It’s time for lunch already? Let me just finish typing this email up and then we can go.” Alyssa says before turning her attention back to the computer. I sat down in one of the chairs and took a minute to really examine her office. The room is filled with pictures of her friends and family and one picture really stood out from the rest. She’s riding piggy back on some guy, she looks to be about twelve or thirteen and their smiles literally take over the entire portrait.

“Whose that?” I asked pointing at the frame in question.

She looked up quickly and her eyes lit up. “Oh that’s my good friend Ryan. We were neighbors growing up and we’ve been friends ever since. He lives about three hours from here but we talk pretty much every day.”

“That’s cool.” I responded trying my best to keep my voice steady. I don’t know why that little bit of information made me feel a little insecure. It’s not like I even like Alyssa, she’s just a really chill girl.

Suddenly, she stopped typing and started putting everything away. Quickly, she shuffled her feet around the office and grabbed her purse before making her way towards the door. Thank God because my eyes haven’t left that picture since I sat down and I need to get away from it. “Let’s go stud!” She quips breaking through my thoughts.

Following right behind her, we headed out of the building and she locked up before we started walking toward the car. “Aren’t you coming back?”

“Nope…I came into work early so that I could have the rest of the afternoon off.”

“Big plans?” I ask.

“Not unless you’ve planned something for me.” She retorts back while starting her car up and driving off towards the crab shack. “I was planning on maybe taking a hike through the woods; you’re welcome to join me. Although, Mrs. Smith seems to have quite the crush on you and I know she’d be thrilled to spend the afternoon with you.”

Suddenly, my mind wanders back to the image of Mrs. Smith and I feel a shudder overtake my body. Mrs. Smith is about eighty years old and she’s confined to a wheelchair. Now that’s not the thing that freaks me out, it’s the fact that every time I’m around her she smacks my ass. I’m not talking about a little love tap…no she must hoard all of her energy up so that when she sees me, she can whack me. It fucking hurts too and now I’m cringing. “I’ll pass on Mrs. Smith and go hiking with you.”

Alyssa smiles brightly as we pull up to the shack and step out of the car. The waiter immediately seats us at one of the tables outside and we have a clear view of the ocean. All right, so this place isn’t that bad…but then again we haven’t started cracking crab, so it’s still open for interpretation.

“How’s the party planning going?” I asked while taking a sip of water.

“It’s good. All I have left to do is call up the fireworks company and make sure that’s still ready to go. Otherwise, it’s done which is a huge relief for me. The fourth of July is a pretty big deal around here.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Why’s it such a big deal? What do you have planned?”

“The hotel puts on a huge barbecue outside on the beach, there’s music and dancing, and following everything at 10:00 we shoot off a huge fireworks display. The guests always have a good time and that’s what matters to me.”

“Well it’s a good thing I’ll be around to experience first hand your party planning skills.” I said while winking at her.

All of a sudden the waiter brought out an entire tin of crab and placed it in front of us. Now I’m not going to lie again, but I was sort of disgusted looking at all the crab. There were probably fifteen crabs just laying there and I was going to peel their shells off to eat them. I wouldn’t be so thrilled if someone boiled me and then peeled my skin off to eat me…ok now; I’m completely off topic and severely grossed out.

However, Alyssa showed no hesitation and in one swift motion cracked the damn thing so that all the meat was exposed. Tossing the shell to the side, she dug out the meat and started eating. I just stared at her flabbergasted. How did she do that?

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked as she continued eating.

“Where in the world did you learn to do that?”

“My dad taught me. Justin, I live in North Carolina it’s kind of tradition to go out to crab shacks. Come on, you’re being a big baby, pick one up and pull down here while using your fork to push the shell off.” Alyssa explained as she demonstrated her skills.

Now being a man, I wasn’t about to be showed up by a girl, so I grabbed one and did exactly what she showed me. I swear, I didn’t change anything…I pulled and pushed where she said. But guess what happened? I only broke off a penny sized piece of shell, no meat, no nothing! See…what the hell is the point of this food? Why not have someone do this for you and then you just eat the meat? Of course, Alyssa immediately bursts into laughter at my failed attempt and I can feel a blush creep into my cheeks. She schooled me hardcore at this.

Realizing that I just wasn’t meant to be a crab cracker, I gave in and let her break the rest of them. At least I could actually eat the meat and not get pieces of shell mixed in. Thankfully, the rest of lunch went smoothly and not long after we were heading back to the hotel to get changed and head out hiking. Alyssa had brought clothes with to work and I grabbed a pair of shorts and tennis shoes. I know, I should be wearing hiking boots…but who brings hiking boots when you’re on vacation at a beach? Exactly my point! Therefore, my tennis shoes will have to do for now. I made sure to grab extra water bottles and we started walking away from the hotel up towards the woods.

I can honestly say I haven’t been on a hike for years. I think the last time I was eight or nine and went with my dad for boy scouts. Yeah, I was one of them back in Tennessee…but that was before the Mickey Mouse Club and everything else that followed. Before my life spun out of control and way before I ever needed a vacation to find myself again.

Alyssa walked a couple steps ahead of me and I definitely had to book it to keep up. We followed a trail that brought us to a cliff over looking a pond. This was definitely something I didn’t expect to find.

“I found this place one day and I love to come here whenever I go into the woods. It’s so secluded and untouched.” She explained.

I could definitely relate to wanting to be secluded away from everything. Why can’t places like this in Los Angeles and if they do, why don’t I know about them? I can’t even leave my house without someone following me and having the paparazzi take pictures of me on a hike just doesn’t sound too appealing. “This place is awesome.”

Alyssa walked over to a pair of huge boulders and set her backpack down. She wiped the perspiration off her forehead and sat down on the ground. Following her lead, I sat across from her and started chugging some water.

“Can I ask you something?” She asks me after I finish drinking. I nod my head. “Why are you out here? You said you needed a break from Los Angeles…but why?”

I sighed as all the stress of that life comes flooding back to me. “My life for the past two years has been crazy. I never have a day off and I can never be alone. Everyone knows what I’m doing on every minute of every day. I’ve kind of lost touch with who I am…”

Alyssa took a deep breath and I could see her eyes cloud over with regret. “I’m sorry…I can’t imagine what that must be like. So doing something like this back in California is probably out of the question?”

“Completely…unless you want photographers with us, constantly snapping pictures and calling our names. I mean…I love being an entertainer and it’s given me so many opportunities to do things I’ve always wanted but there’s a complete other side to it that gets exhausting.”

“I bet…what about dating, that must be hard?” She asks and I can tell we’re treading into a very awkward conversation.

“It’s not easy to have relationships in Hollywood. They are constantly printing stories that are false and if there’s a lack of trust, you might as well forget it. They’ve torn so many of my relationships to shreds.” I said knowing a sad undertone was evident in my voice.

“That’s awful.” Alyssa says while pulling me into a quick hug. She rubs her hand up and down my back and then releases me from her arms. “I promise this vacation will be everything you need right now.”

A smile quickly tugs at my lips and I can feel it take over my face. “As long as we can hang out, I don’t think I’ll have a hard time enjoying myself.” Did I just flirt again with her? Shit, I did.

________________________________________________________________________

Alyssa and I spent most of the afternoon up in the woods exploring and appreciating the beautiful scenery. North Carolina was quickly becoming my favorite place to be. This place allowed me to relax and be myself, which was exactly what I was looking for when I came here. I certainly didn’t expect to meet a girl and develop a friendship with her. I’ve never met anyone like Alyssa before. It’s the little things in life that she appreciates and that’s attractive. She doesn’t care about money and fame; in fact she’d rather not discuss that part of my life because she knows it hurts me sometimes. She just wants to show me around and make sure I fall in love with this place because it means so much to her.

Although, now I am lying down on my bed completely exhausted from our hike earlier. Alyssa dropped me back off at the hotel before she went home for the night. Part of me wished she was still around because talking to myself can get a little boring. Deciding I should probably connect with some people back home, I flipped my phone open and dialed Trace’s number.

“Hey man, how’s NC?” Trace chimes into the phone.

“It’s going well…how’s LA?” I ask while turning the volume down on the TV and shutting the lights off.

“Same old, same old. But guess who I ran into today?”

“Who?” My interest was definitely peaked a little.

“Cameron.” He states.

I could feel my heart sink and my mood turn solemn immediately. I haven’t seen or spoken to Cameron since we broke up and it’s probably a good thing. We are definitely not on the best of terms. I thought Britney messed me up, but Cameron she practically destroyed my heart. I thought she was it for me and I was ready to marry her at the drop of a hat. But all of a sudden, it was over and I still don’t understand why. “Why are you telling me this stuff man?”

“I thought you would want to know. Guess not. Listen J, we don’t have to talk about her. What have you been doing in North Carolina?”

“Just been surfing a lot and hanging by the beach. It’s relaxing here.” I can’t help but picture Alyssa in my mind. Her smile and her laugh it definitely helps ease the pain from thinking about Cameron.

“Met any chicks?”

That’s completely Trace, all he thinks about are girls. “Yeah…she works at the hotel doing event promotions. She’s a really cool girl to hang out with.”

“How long before you bang her?” See what I mean? That’s all he thinks about.

“Not happening…”

“What is she ugly or something?” Tactful, huh?

“No, she’s definitely pretty but it’s not like that with her. She’s just fun to hang out with.”

“That’s kind of lame man! But it’s good to hear from you, sorry I can’t talk longer but I have to be at a party for William Rast. Call me later bro!” Abruptly, I heard the phone go dead and he was gone.

Well that was definitely interesting. Trace isn’t always that cocky but he’s just doing it to get under my skin. Besides, I don’t even look at Alyssa that way. She’s just a friend and I wouldn’t do anything to ruin that, especially something like sleeping with her.

________________________________________________________________________

“Trace…seriously man, I already told you…it’s not like that between Alyssa and I.” I can feel a small headache coming on and I immediately draw my hands to my temples. I don’t know how many times I’ve told Trace that having sex with Alyssa is just not going to happen. Ever since I mentioned her, he hasn’t gotten off my back about it and it’s been over a month. “I don’t want to sleep with her.”

“Whatever man! All you ever talk about is Alyssa this and Alyssa that. I’m just pointing out the obvious.” Trace mocks into the phone. Its days like today I question why he’s my best friend.

“She’s a good friend…how many ways do I have to say it?” That headache I was talking about is now in full force. “She’s a bud, a pal, an amigo, a fucking friend. Damn Trace, you’re worse than the paparazzi.”

Suddenly, I hear him laughing. “Alright man, jeez. She’s a friend. Call me later when your panties aren’t in a bundle.” Click.

That asshole. He calls me, gives me the third degree and then proceeds to hang up on me. What is with people today?

Realizing I need to get out of this hotel room, I threw on a pair of gym shorts and headed out for a run. There’s something about working out that soothes my nerves and calms me down. I love to hear the rhythmic pounding of my feet on the concrete. With each step I take, I can feel myself distress. I let everything go when I’m running and it’s probably one of the few times my guard is completely down. I don’t pay attention to anything or anyone around me; I’m completely one with the road.

After running for an hour, I was in serious need of a shower. But not before stopping by to say hey to Alyssa. I figured I would find her in her office so I made a bee line to the events building. However, I wasn’t expecting the lights to be turned off and the doors locked. It’s only five o’clock and Alyssa is usually around till six or seven. Where the hell is she?

Deciding I should probably just head to my room, I made my way back inside the hotel. I guess my head was busy thinking of all the places Alyssa could be and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going because suddenly I felt a hard smack on my ass. Whipping around I turned to look at the culprit.

“Hey there Mrs. Smith.” I calmly managed to say. That fucking hurt!! I swear to God that woman must lift weights or something. She can’t weigh more than a hundred pounds but she hits me with Muhammad Ali strength.

“Hey there good lookin’, where are you off to in such a rush?” She says in a full southern drawl.

Trying to suppress the pain, I put a smile on my face and took a step back. “Back to my room, I just got done working out.”

She noticeably eyes me up and down and I start to feel dirty. She’s eighty years old and is checking me out like she’d devour me if she got the chance.

“I could definitely help clean you up.” Mrs. Smith confesses.

Oh lord, she could be my Grandmother and she’s flirting with me. Plastering a fake smile on my face, I lean in and softly say, “Maybe some other time. I’ll see you around Mrs. Smith.”

Before she can make another comment, I’m already at the elevator and repeatedly punching the buttons to take me up to my room. Once the doors shut, I let out a huge breath of air. I guess I was holding my breath a little longer than intended. I haven’t seen Alyssa all day and I am starting to worry about her. Normally, she’ll find me sometime throughout the day or we’ll get lunch but I haven’t heard a thing. Shaking the negative thoughts from my head, I open the door to my room.

“What’s up stud?”

That voice has been a part of my everyday routine and I smiled when I recognized it. “What are you doing in my room?”

“Well…I finished work a little early so I thought I’d come and say hello but you weren’t around. I figured you went out for a bit and decided I might as well just hang out till you get back.” She said while tossing her magazine aside. “Where were you?”

“Getting molested by Mrs. Smith.” She bursts out laughing but I don’t think it’s very funny. “Before that though, I went out for a run.”

“Nice…what do you have going on now?” She asks turning her bright blue eyes up at me.

“Going to take a shower and then who knows?” I answered before heading into the bathroom and closing the door. I couldn’t be any happier to have these walls separating us because something’s different about her tonight. For starters, her hair is straightened and laying wispily around her face and she’s wearing make-up which accentuates her blue eyes. What am I doing? She’s just a friend, wasn’t I defending this shit earlier to Trace? But it’s hard to deny how pretty she looks in normal clothes and not her work uniform. Seriously, I need to stop this…it’s just Alyssa. Turning the faucet on cold, I climbed in and let the cool water calm my thoughts.

Not long after getting into the shower, I heard the door creek open. “Do you want to watch a movie?” Alyssa calls out to me.

“Yeah sure…put something in. I’ll be right out.” I said trying my best to make her leave the bathroom.

“I’m bored sitting in there.” She says while pushing herself up onto the counter top.

“Well last time I checked, I didn’t invite you into the bathroom while I’m showering.” I joked while poking my head around the curtain, making sure it was snug against my body. The last thing I need now is her seeing my cash and prizes.

Alyssa raises her eyebrows at me and then saunters up to the curtain. Gently, she tugs on it and I tighten my grip. “Justin, if I wanted to see you naked this little curtain won’t stop me.” She turns on her heels and just as quickly as she came she was gone.

Immediately, I shut the water off and wrap a towel securely around my body. I hurry up and change into a pair of lounge pants and a grey t-shirt. Walking outside, I notice Alyssa is completely sprawled out on my bed flipping through the channels.

“Make yourself comfortable.” I tease before giving her a shove and sitting down next to her.

“Justin you have this huge place to yourself…can’t a girl catch a break and enjoy a suite every once and awhile.”

“You fucking work here. Don’t you get deals and rooms all the time?” I said before swiping the remote away from her hand and putting on a movie.

“I would but I never go anywhere so I don’t use those deals.” She says solemnly. I can tell that’s a sore subject for her and the curiosity is starting to get to me.

“Why don’t you ever go on vacation or go visit someone?”

“Because my family is only a couple hours away from me so it’s just not worth it. If I go anywhere, it’s back home. I don’t have the money, time or drive to leave North Carolina.”

Even though I know that’s the way Alyssa likes to live, I can’t help but feel sorry for her. She’s never really been given the chance to explore what the world has to offer. Here I am, in her element and for me this is just a temporary solution to my life, but for Alyssa this is reality. We come from two very different worlds but it’s refreshing to have her in my life. She offers a completely different perspective and she breaks everything down to its simplest forms. No drama, no complications just straight truth.

“When I go back to California will you come visit me?” I asked turning to face her.

“I don’t know. I can’t promise that I will because when I make a promise, I don’t break it. But we’ll see Justin.” She answers before throwing a blanket over her legs and positioning the pillows behind her back.

Although, it wasn’t really the answer I was looking for I have to respect her wishes. I don’t want to push for anything I know she’s not ready for and coming to California to experience my life is definitely something she doesn’t really want. I guess it would be a little strange blending my secluded life with my very much public life.

Suddenly a shrill shrieking sound blasted through the room and Alyssa darted up from the bed. Running over to her purse, she grabbed her phone and flipped it open.

“What’s up Ryan?” Isn’t that her best friend from back home? Oh yeah…it’s neighbor boy.

“Oh my god, that’s awesome!!! When are you coming?” This can’t be good.

“Definitely…well I can take some vacation from work since I have the Fourth of July party already planned and hang out with you. I can’t wait to see you…it’s been forever. Sounds good babe! Love you!” She says before hanging up and turning to look at me. I must look like a deer caught in headlights because I completely listened in on her conversation.

“That was Ryan, my best friend from back home. He’s going to come out to visit this weekend.” She says nearly jumping on the bed full of excitement.

“That sounds great! I can’t wait to meet him.” I managed to mumble out, trying my best to sound enthused. I don’t even know why I’m acting this way…Alyssa and I are nothing but friends. I guess I enjoy having her to myself all the time and now neighbor boy sweeps back into town.

She smiled brightly up at me. “It’ll be just the three of us.”

“Great.”
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Do you ever have the feeling, where you know something is going to go wrong and you’re completely powerless to stop it? Yeah, I’ve had the feeling all week. Neighbor boy arrives in t-minus one hour. Can you tell I’m thrilled? I feel kind of bad because Alyssa has been bouncing around this place like a kid at Toy-R-Us. I know I should be more enthused to meet someone who’s important to her but I just have this nagging feeling that something’s about to go very wrong.

Right now, we’re wasting time in her office before he shows up and it’s nice to have a couple minutes alone with her. “Alyssa!!!” A voice calls from the front doors.

Alyssa literally knocks her chair over and goes running outside of her office in search of the intruder, I mean guest.

“Ryaaannn!!” She screams while jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist. He encircles his arms around her small frame and spins her around before gently placing her back on the floor.

“You’re early…oh man, it’s been so long. I missed you!” She says giving him another hug. Is it just me or is that a lot of touching going on for just friends?

“I thought I’d surprise you! I missed you too Lys.” Oh sick, here go the nicknames.

Putting on the best smile I could muster, I step towards the two of them. “Hey there Ryan. I’m Justin; Alyssa’s talked a lot about you.” I say while extending my hand to him.

Ryan reaches out and shakes my hand but not before giving me a weird glare. “Funny, she hasn’t said anything to me about you.” Wow, if that doesn’t make me feel like a piece of shit.

Alyssa gently hits him in the stomach and sends him a warning glance. “Be nice Ryan. I like this guy.”

“Whatever. Let’s head out to your house Lys, I want to get rid of these bags and catch up.”

Alyssa looks at me apologetically for Ryan’s comments and I know she’s about to ditch me. “Justin…I’m going to take Ryan back to my place. I’ll be back here later tonight though.” She reaches up and wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me into her. “I’m sorry about him. I’ll call you later though stud.” She whispers into my ear and then let’s go.

I try my best to keep my voice steady. “No problem. Have fun catching up. It was nice to meet you Ryan.”

“Yeah, you too Justin. Come on Lys!” He says while practically dragging her out of the events building. She looks back at me and mumbles I’m sorry before continuing to walk with him back to their cars. Well that nagging feeling I’ve been having was definitely right on. This guy is an asshole and I don’t like him.

Did I ever mention how much I fucking hate neighbor boy? Yeah, he doesn’t even get the pleasure of me calling him by his real name. He’s basically kidnapped Alyssa for the last three days and I’d be cool with it, if he wasn’t such a dick to me. I’ve tried calling Alyssa to get together but every time I do, he picks up the phone and practically hangs up on me. Needless to say, he’s not high on my list.

I haven’t seen her since Ryan, I mean neighbor boy, got into town and dragged her away. I never realized how much I depend on her every day. It’s kind of scary how much I miss having her there to just smile and laugh at my jokes or keep me company. She’s definitely a big part of my life out here and it took him coming here to make me realize it.

Thankfully though, she’s gotten away from the psycho and asked me to go to lunch with her. I’m waiting in the lobby for her to come and pick me up and I can’t wait to see her. I know its lame, but I bought her a lily because I know it’s her favorite flower. I just wanted to give her something to show her that I appreciate her friendship. Finally, I spot her car pull into the parking lot and she steps out. Her hair is blowing around her face and her blue eyes are covered by a pair of dark sunglasses. Her small frame is clad in a turquoise tank top, white shorts and a pair of black flip flops. Totally and completely Alyssa. Damn, I’ve missed her.

“Hey there stud.” She says once I make my way out of the hotel towards her.

Bringing my hand out from behind my back I handed her the flower and wrapped my arms around her. “About damn time Alyssa!”

She laughs into my shoulder. “I know, I’m sorry Justin. I’ve just been really busy catching up with Ryan. Forgive me?”

She bats her eyelashes at me and sticks her bottom lip out. How can I stay mad at her? “Yeah…whatever. Let’s get going I’m starving.”

After a quick drive to a local restaurant, we are finally sitting outside at a table overlooking the beach. The conversation has been non-stop…I haven’t been able to really talk to her for the past couple of days that there’s so much to fill her in on.

“So basically, once I get back to California I’m going to be filming Shrek III. Honestly, I can’t believe that the director wants me in that film.” I finished saying while Alyssa stared wide-eyed at me. Yesterday, I found out that the producers of the Shrek dynasty want me to be in their upcoming film. What a fucking honor to be involved with such a huge film. Even though, Cameron will be a part of the film, there was no way in hell I was turning that down. I can suck it up and be a man.

“Wow Justin, that’s great! Congratulations.” Alyssa says before turning her attention back to her menu.

I’m a little put off with her hiding behind the menu and that she isn’t sharing my excitement. “You don’t sound too excited about it.”

Alyssa sighs and looks up to me. “No, I really am excited for you. That’s a great opportunity for you. I don’t know, I guess it’s just a little weird to think of you acting and singing because I’ve never seen that side of you. To me, you’re just like a regular guy and here you are telling me you’re going to be in this huge blockbuster. It’s crazy.”

“I guess…I don’t know it’s a part of my life.”

“I know that. Listen, let’s change the subject…what have you been up to around here since I haven’t been to work lately?”

I took a sip of water and leaned back in my chair. “The usual…surfing, running and getting molested by Mrs. Smith.”

Alyssa cracks a smile and I’ve been waiting forever to see her light up like that again. “I bet she’s thrilled to have you to herself lately.”

“She is, but I’m not. You’re like my protector and since you haven’t been around she’s definitely been on the prowl.” I laugh.

“Well I promise I won’t be ditching you anytime soon. So she’ll have to back off.” Alyssa says while playfully touching my arm.

“I’ll hold you to that promise Alyssa.”

“I hope you do Justin.”

This lunch was exactly what I needed. It’s kind of sick how quickly I’ve become attached to this girl. She’s like my only source of entertainment and happiness here in North Carolina and since she’s been gone…it gets pretty lonely. Finally, I have my partner in crime back and I hope neighbor boy takes a hike soon. Speaking of neighbor boy, he’s on his way over to our table. How convenient? He just happens to be walking nearby the restaurant.

“Ryan, what are you doing here? I thought I was going to meet you later?” Alyssa asks when she sees him approaching us.

“I was just taking a walk along the beach and saw you two. Just thought I would come and say hey.” He says leaning against the railing of the porch.

“Ryan, you remember Justin.” Alyssa motions towards me.

I could’ve sworn I saw anger pass through his eyes when he looked over at me. Reluctantly, he shook my hand again. I can tell that this guy despises me as much as I do him. This could definitely make for a very uncomfortable lunch.

Suddenly, Alyssa stands up from her chair and excuses herself to the bathroom. How nice she leaves me out here with this lame ass alone.

“So Justin, I can tell you don’t like me very much. But the feelings mutual. Just what are you planning on doing with Alyssa?” His spits out.

A little taken aback from his words, I try and compose myself and be the mature one here. Obviously he’s not going to take the high road. “I’m not planning on doing anything. She’s just a friend.”

“Oh please.” He scoffs. “You celebrities are all alike. You don’t give a shit about anyone besides yourself. If you haven’t notice, Alyssa cares about you. I don’t know why but she does and once you leave, she’ll be cut off from everything that you entail. She’s my best friend and I’ve loved her for so long. I won’t sit back and watch you work your way into her life and then just disappear.”

I can feel the anger rising in my stomach. This asshole thinks he has me pegged for something I’m not. “I never said I would cut her out of my life. Just because I go back to California doesn’t mean we won’t continue to be friends.”

Suddenly Ryan stops talking and the anger that was once shining in his eyes is gone. Looking behind me I notice Alyssa walking towards us. “Leave her the fuck alone if you know what’s good for you.” He warns before diverting his attention back to Alyssa.

“I hope you boys behaved.” She said before sitting back down.

“Absolutely Lys! Well you two enjoy lunch…I’ll see you later. Nice talking to you Justin.” Ryan says before turning around and leaving Alyssa and I alone.

I’m completely shocked by the exchange that just happened between Ryan and I. I never thought he would be the overprotective type. But this was different, he wasn’t warning me because he looks at Alyssa like a sister. Oh no, he’s totally head over heels for her and she doesn’t have a clue. That’s what is pissing him off so much, not the fact that I’m a celebrity. He’s in love with her and she’s paying more attention to our friendship than theirs.

“Alyssa you ready to go?” I ask abruptly.

She looks at me funny and then smiles. “Yeah sure let’s go.”

________________________________________________________________________

After the most awkward conversation at lunch with Ryan, I was kind of glad Alyssa left me alone for the night. I wanted some time to really figure out where I stood with her. I haven’t ever been threatened for being friends with someone before and this was all really new to me. Ryan had a point though…was I being unrealistic to think that we’d be friends after I left here? My life is so different back in California and I know she doesn’t want to get involved with that side. But that side is a part of my everyday routine and maybe we’re just two different people who met at the wrong time.

Mindlessly, I flipped through the channels on the TV before settling on Sports Center. I have been so busy surfing and hanging out with Alyssa that I’ve really been missing my sports. Thank God, it isn’t basketball season right now. As they went through highlights of the baseball games, there was a soft knock on my door. Not expecting anyone, I ignored it. It was probably someone just looking to get a picture. However, the knocking persisted and started getting louder.

Quickly, I got up from the bed and opened the door. I was completely shocked to see Alyssa standing there her hair strewn about and this defeated look on her face.

“Come in.” I said opening the door wider for her to pass through.

Once inside, she wrapped her arms around my neck and sighed. “I’m sorry…I didn’t know where else to go.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked giving her a squeeze before releasing her from my grasp.

“Ryan is wasted off his ass and is acting like an idiot. I couldn’t handle being at home anymore.” She says walking over to my bed and sitting down. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“No it’s fine.” I confirmed while sitting down next to her.

“I hate it when he drinks. He acts like the biggest asshole.” I know she needs to vent so I just nod my head encouraging her to proceed. “He starts in on how I’m too nice to people and that I shouldn’t trust you. So I got angry with him and told him he doesn’t even know you.”

“You didn’t have to defend me…”

“I know but I wanted too. I mean he was attacking one of my friends and that just wasn’t cool with me.” I smiled. “I know we just met each other a month ago but our friendship is important to me. I wasn’t going to just let him knock something that I hold close to my heart.”

I didn’t really know what to say to that. This girl is definitely someone worth making the extra effort for. Here she is defending a friendship that is completely new to her best friend for years.

“Well you’re welcome to stay here.” I said laying my arm around her shoulder.

“Thanks Justin.”

“Anytime Alyssa.”

It wasn’t long before she was snuggled deep under the covers and sleeping peacefully. After watching TV for a little bit, I felt my eyes start to flutter shut and I turned the lights off. Trying not to wake her, I slipped under the covers and faced her sleeping form. The light from outside was shining just enough into the room to illuminate her face. She looked completely peaceful lying there and her hair strewn about the pillow. Her cheeks were rosy and her lips were slightly swollen from sleep. She looked absolutely beautiful and I felt my breath catch in my throat. Because for the first time, I looked at her as more than a friend and it scared me.

I am in trouble and I don’t mean the kind where your mom just caught your hand in the cookie jar trouble…no, bigger than that. I’m talking about life changing, heart stopping trouble. I can’t even be near Alyssa without thinking about holding her in my arms, brushing her hair from her face and crashing my lips against hers. Who thinks like that? She’s got me so screwed up right now.

Ever since Alyssa spent the night, whenever I look at her I can feel my breathing slow and my pulse quicken. Something about that night really hit me. She could’ve gone anywhere else to get away from Ryan but she trusted me and chose to let me in. Having her lay beside me the entire night and watching the peaceful rise and fall of her body has ignited a fire deep inside.

Yet, I’m trying my damndest to suppress all of these feelings. I know that taking our friendship to another level would be the dumbest thing I could possibly do. I would be compromising the first person who’s ever come into my life and treated me as just Justin. Not only would I be jeopardizing our relationship, but Alyssa has made it clear she wants absolutely nothing to do with the public side of my life. So all things considered…I’m completely fucked.

However, tonight I’m hoping Alyssa and I can just kick back and enjoy the Fourth of July party. I know she’s been stressing out over this event and has been putting a lot of time into it. So for her sake, I hope it’s a huge success. The Radisson is buzzing with at least fifty people running around with their heads cut off. It’s actually kind of entertaining to watch them practically bump into each other as they frantically try and set everything up. Knowing Alyssa would be busy all afternoon, I decided to drive into town and go shopping. I figured while I was here I might as well see what the town has to offer besides surfing.

After parking the car, I started walking down the street. Stores lined the sidewalks and gift tables were practically exploding out from every corner. It was definitely a different type of shopping than Los Angeles, but these quaint shops were warming. Every store I stopped at I was greeted with a huge smile from the owners.

“Hey there young man…can I help you find anything?” A woman asks as I was looking at her table.

“I’m just looking for a gift for a friend…”

“Well that’s nice of you. Do you have anything in particular you’re looking for?”

“No…I have no idea what she would want.” I sighed and let out an uneasy smile.

“Hmmm…tell me a little about her.”

“She’s probably my best friend since I got here and she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met before. She’s completely selfless and has the biggest heart.”

“She sounds like a wonderful young lady.”

“Oh she is.” I nodded and smiled.

“Well how about this?” The woman says while handing me the gift. I can feel a smile tug at my lips and I know it’s perfect for her.

“Let me wrap that for you…” She says before grabbing a box and tying a bow around it. I handed her some money before heading back to my car with the box firmly in my hands. This would definitely surprise her but she deserved it. She’s worked so hard for tonight and it’s just a little something to make her smile.

Once I arrived back at the hotel there were tents, tables, grills, food and drinks set up all along the beach. Intertwined on the tents were white, red and blue lights which helped cast a warm glow over the beach. Alyssa had gone all out for this event and it really showed. People were already standing around with drinks in their hands and loud laughs escaping from their mouths. Everyone appeared to be having a great time.

Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of Alyssa before she disappeared inside the building. She was carrying a million papers in her hand and her face carried a frazzled look. Quickening my pace, I walked into the hotel and scanned the lobby for her. Yet, she was nowhere to be found. Instead of searching some more, I decided to head up to my room and change for the party. Sliding the card into the slot I pushed the door open.

“Hey stud…”

I smiled. “Is this becoming customary that you’re in my room when I’m not around?”

Alyssa shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe…” She said coyly.

“The party looks like a huge hit.” I said walking into the room and pulling out clothes to change into.

“Yeah…I was hoping you would be back to escort me down there. I’ve finished everything finally so now I get to be a guest at my own party.”

I turned to look at her before I walked into the bathroom. “Give me a second to change and I’d be happy to be your date.”

In the bathroom, I splashed some cold water on my face and tried to calm my swirling head. She looked beautiful in a white baby doll dress and her hair curled around her face. Every time I see her she’s even more beautiful than the last and it’s hard to stop myself.

After throwing on a pair of jeans, flip flops and a white button up shirt I immerged from the bathroom to find her sitting on my bed flipping through her papers. She looked up slowly when she heard me coming out and smiled. It was one of those smiles that literally takes over your face and can’t help but light up the whole room.

“You look handsome.”

“Thank you. You ready to head downstairs?” I asked while extending my hand to her.

“Let’s go stud…” Alyssa said as she linked her hand with mine. Before walking out of the room, I reached back and slipped her present into my pocket. Together we walked hand in hand down to the party. Alyssa greeted guests as we passed through and everyone was complimenting her on what a great party it was. Alyssa was glowing with pride, this was her baby, this event was her shining glory and it was a huge success.

“Congratulations Lyssa…” I said while handing her a drink.

“For what?” She said before taking a sip of the liquid.

“Your event is a hit…” I winked.

“I’m so excited Justin. This was my chance to really prove my worth as an event planner. This was what I went to school for…this was it. I bet you have this feeling every time you perform on stage.” She said crossing her hands in front of her.

“I love performing and the adoration my fans give me. There’s nothing better than doing what I love and they give it back to me ten fold.” I said honestly. It’s the one part of my job that never gets old.

“That’s how I feel tonight. Seeing everyone laughing, eating, drinking, and just having a good time…it’s so rewarding to know all the hard work paid off.”

“So what else do you have planned for the rest of summer?” I asked pulling out a chair for her and the sitting down across from her.

“Just the end of the year bash. The Radisson has the most traffic in the summertime therefore we have a going away party for all the guests in August.”

“I see…I can’t believe August is just around the corner. I can’t believe I’ve been here for almost two months.” I said taking a look around at the property.

“I know…I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. It’ll be sad when you leave and I can’t go up to your room anymore.” She said.

“Like I said you’re always welcome in California.”

“I know…I just might have to make an exception and take a vacation to see your sorry ass.” Alyssa said cracking a smile.

“Hey I resent that…I think I have a nice ass.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes and softly hit my arm. “I was joking Justin.”

“So you’d really come and see me when I leave North Carolina?” I asked softly.

Alyssa turned her bright blue eyes at me and nodded her head. “I’d miss you too much.”

I could feel the butterflies in my stomach and just like before my heart started pounding in my chest. She was working her way into my heart and I couldn’t control it. I am so screwed. I really need to remove myself from this situation before I end up doing something I’ll regret.

“I’ll be right back…” I stood up from my chair and practically bolted in the other direction back towards the hotel. I wasn’t really sure where I was going but I knew I needed a minute to just be alone. Everything about Alyssa was drawing me to her and this could definitely blow up in my face. She’s so innocent and sweet and I come with this huge amount of baggage. I can’t allow myself to bring her into my world and ruin our friendship.

Sitting down on a bench, I took a minute to compose myself. I ran my hands across my head and let out a huge sigh.

“Why the troubled look on your face young man?”

I looked up when I recognized the voice as my stalker around here. “Hi Mrs. Smith. I’m just a little confused, that’s all.”

“I see…” She said gently reaching out and squeezing my hand, thankfully not my ass this time. “Only a woman can make a man that confused…”

I smiled knowingly. “How’d you know?”

“Oh please honey, I’ve done that to a few men in my days.” She laughed. “She must really have you torn up inside if you’re over here by yourself.”

Knowing I needed to talk to someone, I took a deep breath preparing to confess all of my feelings. “She’s just so wonderful and perfect…it’s almost too good to be true. Why would she ever want to be with me? I’m not the easiest person to be in a relationship with; in fact my life makes it almost impossible to have one. But every time she’s near I can feel every fiber of my being stand on edge and all I can focus on is her.”

She smiled softly and let go of my hand. “That’s what love is all about…”

Sharply I looked at her and felt myself get defensive. “I’m not in love…I know that…”

“Not yet…but you’re getting there.” She confirmed. “Don’t think so much and let your heart do the talking. In fact, she’s been watching you ever since you sat down over here.”

My head turned in the direction of where I left Alyssa and there she was starring back at me. Her eyes were sparkling and she let a small smile take over her face. The wind was blowing softly and the dress flowed around her. She was beautiful.

“Thank you Mrs. Smith…” I said before leaning down and giving her a small hug.

Suddenly, there was a loud bang in the air and a stream of light zipped up over the ocean. My head jerked at the sound and I stopped to watch a firework explode into the sky. Quickly, I walked towards the tent Alyssa was in. Everyone had stopped what they were doing and their attention was directed towards the sky. Slipping through the crowd, I found Alyssa standing off to the side with her arms wrapped around her body. Quietly, I snuck up behind her, removing my jacket and draping it over her shoulders.

“Thank you…” She said softly.

I stood behind her and pulled her body close to mine. Wrapping my arms around her from behind, we stood together watching the fireworks light up the sky. If only for tonight, I was going to take Mrs. Smith’s advice and let my heart do the talking. She relaxed against me and I finally felt at peace. Having her close and in my arms was actually calming because it just felt right.

“I have a little something for you. I know this night was important to you and I just wanted to get you something to show you that I support you one hundred percent.” I explained while reaching into my pocket and removing the box.

“You didn’t need to do this Justin…” She said taking the box into her hands.

“I know…but I wanted too. Open it.” I urged.

Alyssa untied the bow and slowly opened the box, inside laid a silver ring. Nothing fancy, just simple and honest. “It’s beautiful Justin…thank you.” She said sliding it onto her finger.

“You’re beautiful Alyssa…” I whispered into her ear.

Alyssa turned in my arms and was now mere inches from my face. Staring into her eyes I felt like I could see deep inside her. I felt her conflicting emotions and I could see her struggle with everything I’ve been going through. “Justin…”

“Yeah?”

“Just for tonight…will you kiss me?”

I could feel my heart leap into my throat. I wanted to, I mean I really wanted to but would that change everything in the morning? Would we be in that awkward stage because we crossed the friend’s line? You know what…I said I would let my heart do the talking tonight and it’s screaming at me to just kiss her.

I gently brought my hands to her face and cupped her cheeks. Her eyes fluttered close and I took a minute to just appreciate the simplicity and beauty of this moment. Lowering my head, I softly brushed my lips against hers and I felt this electricity course through my body the minute we touched. Alyssa parted her lips and I felt her tongue slide across my lower lip. Slowly, I opened my mouth and allowed her our tongues to graze before breaking the kiss. As I pulled away I laid small kisses on both cheeks before removing my hands from her face. Softly, she opened her eyes and smiled up at me.

“That was wonderful…”

I am totally and completely at a crossroads right now. The whole reason for coming to North Carolina was to get away from everything and just relax. I certainly didn’t plan on meeting someone like Alyssa. She makes me want to be a better person, not only for her but for myself. She makes me feel alive. When I’m with her the whole world seems to just stop and it’s just the two of us. No one has ever had that affect on me before. That’s why I’m so confused.

You see…my love life is basically up, down and all around. I don’t have that great of a track record when it comes to relationships and I don’t think I want to ruin the friendship Alyssa and I have. This is the way I see it, if I take it to the next level and it doesn’t work…I just threw away the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. See what kind of a dilemma I’m in?!

I guess my confusion only gets stronger when all I can think about was that kiss we shared. That kiss rocked my soul and I know she felt the same way. Ever since that night, I know she wants to be with me but I don’t know what I want. Am I an asshole for taking a step back and distancing myself from her now? I know I’m giving her hot and cold signs but I can’t help it. I truthfully don’t think a relationship between the two of us is a good idea.

I suppose it doesn’t help that I will be going back to California in two weeks. I know that holds a lot of weight in choosing to not be in a relationship with Alyssa. Part of me thinks we could make it work, but lingering in my head are Ryan’s threats. When I go back to California, I can’t guarantee I will visit often; I’ll have limited time and my life won’t really nurture new relationships. All things considered…it’s just in our best interest to remain friends.

It’s almost noon and Alyssa should be coming over any minute now. She took the weekend off and we’re planning on road tripping back to her parent’s house. She hasn’t seen them in almost eight months. I’m not really looking forward to being anywhere near Ryan again but she wanted some company and it’s not like I have anything better going on at the hotel.

All of a sudden there was a pound at the door and I threw my bag over my shoulder before answering it.

“You ready to go stud?” Alyssa asked as she pushed her sunglasses on top of her head.

That’s one thing I’m going to miss when I leave, her stopping by all the time. “Yep. All packed up.” I said while closing the door behind me.

We walked hand in hand down the hallway making small talk and making sure to avoid any run-ins with Mrs. Smith. That woman has a set of pinchers on her.

After loading my bag into the car, we hopped in and started the three hour drive inland. The sun was shining brightly, windows down and wind whipping through the car…these moments are so far and few in between for me. If I could freeze it in time, I would.

“What do you have planned for the weekend?” I asked while looking out the window. North Carolina is so pretty with the lush scenery and the ocean nearby. This place will never get old to me.

“Not a whole lot actually. My parents were just planning on taking us out to dinner Saturday night; otherwise we’ll play it by ear.”

“Are we going to hang out with Ryan at all?” I asked nervously. I just don’t like the guy.

Alyssa’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Why do you say that?”

“Umm…I don’t know. Nevermind…forget it.” I stammered.

“No, tell me…” She persisted.

“I know he’s a good friend of yours, we just didn’t really hit it off and I don’t know if I’m up for another round with him this weekend.”

Alyssa turned her head and smiled softly. “I promise we won’t be visiting Ryan. I’m sorry about everything that happened between you two. He really is a great guy…I think he’s just protective of me.”

“Is he ever…” I said knowingly.

Alyssa giggled. “Do you have anything you want to do while we’re here?”

“Just spend time with you…” I answered before turning my attention back towards the road. I know, I know…I’m an asshole, that’s totally leading her on…but it’s the truth. I’m looking forward to being alone with her but as friends.

The rest of the ride was filled with joking, laughing and obnoxious singing. I found out Alyssa loves to blast the radio and sing at the top of her lungs. Too bad she’s completely tone deaf. For the love of God, someone needs to tell her she’s terrible.

However, it wasn’t long until we were pulling into an addition and taking the drive up towards her parent’s house. The house was beautiful on the outside and overlooked the entire valley. The lawn was perfectly landscaped with flowers and lights lining the walkway up towards the door. After unloading all of our bags, I followed behind Alyssa as she walked up towards the door. Soon after, the sound of footsteps shuffling on the other side of the door could be heard.

The door whipped opened and Alyssa’s mom was standing there with a huge smile on her face. It was clear that Alyssa definitely took after her mother. They both had the long flowing blonde hair and bright blue eyes.

“Oh my gosh, you’re here…come in Lys.” Her mother says with a thick southern drawl lacing her words.

“Mom, this is Justin. Justin, this is my mom…” Alyssa says motioning towards me.

Immediately, Alyssa’s mom pulls me into a hug. This is why I like the south. Everyone is so friendly. It doesn’t matter that she’s never met me before she welcomes me with open arms. “Nice to meet you Mrs. Powell. Thank you for having me here.”

“Please, call me Carrie. It’s no trouble at all. Are you two hungry?” She asks before walking towards the kitchen.

“I’m starving mom…”

“I’ll make you two something to eat. Alyssa, show Justin where he can put his things.” Carrie says before turning her attention back towards the kitchen.

Alyssa turned on her heel and practically bolted down a flight of stairs into the basement. “Well here it is…Chateau Justin.” Alyssa joked while pointing into the guest room.

“Your house is nice Lyssa…” I said after I threw the bags down on the floor.

“Thanks…so this is your room, mine is across the hall and over there on the right is the bathroom.” She explained.

I took a chance to look around and I realized how much her house reminded me of home. The plush carpeting, the oversized furniture, the decorations and most importantly the pictures lining the walls was reminiscent of home.

“Let’s go eat…” She said before running back up the stairs again.

Carrie was busy putting together some sandwiches when we entered the kitchen.

“Mom, where’s dad?” Alyssa said before taking a seat at the kitchen table.

“He had one last job to finish back in the city but he’ll be home soon. Well, I hope you are hungry Justin. Alyssa always liked huge sandwiches…I guess I still make them that way…” Carrie said blushing as she sat the plate in front of me.

“It looks great!” I said before taking a huge bite of my sandwich. It felt so good to be in an actual house and not at the hotel. I can eat home cooked food and enjoy the company of others. We should’ve come here earlier in the summer.

The rest of the afternoon Alyssa and her mom spent catching up with one another. I didn’t really mind being the obvious third wheel. I never felt out of place and her mom was more than polite when she asked about my life. She truly wanted to get to know me and where I stood in her daughter’s life. I could definitely get used to this house and these people.

It was now late at night and Alyssa and I were sprawled out on the couch watching a movie together in the basement. Her head was lying on my lap and a blanket wrapped securely around both of us. I know, I know…probably not the best situation for friends again.

“Justin, I’m really going to miss you…” She whispered almost so soft that I didn’t catch it.

I rubbed my hand down her back. “We’ll stay in touch Alyssa…don’t worry…”

She shifted on the couch and was now looking up at me. “It won’t ever be the same though…”

I shrugged my shoulders and let out a sigh. “I don’t know…”

Alyssa closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into my arms. She seemed so vulnerable at that moment. I couldn’t bring myself to pull away. If for just one night, I can re-assure her through holding her then I’ll go ahead and give that to her. It’s the least I can do.

No one can predict what will happen between the two of us once I leave. But I know she’s left such a huge impact on my heart…I’ll never forget her or our time we spent together.

Not long after, I could hear her breathing deepen and I watched the steady rise and fall of her chest. Every thought, worry and question was erased from her mind and she looked so peaceful. I was so caught up in watching her sleep that I almost didn’t hear the door open and close. I looked up sharply and down the stairs came her father.

He was clad in a pair of jeans and a dark red polo. He looked exhausted but he put on a smile the minute he saw me on the couch.

“You must be Justin…” He said offering his hand.

I reached out and shook it. “Yes sir. It’s nice to meet you Mr. Powell.”

“Call me Dave. I see my girl’s fast asleep…”

“Yeah…she just fell asleep a little bit ago. I can wake her…”

“No, let her sleep…I’ll see her in the morning.” He said while sitting down on the opposite side of the couch. I turned the movie off and switched the TV to Sports Center. “Nice choice Justin…”

I smiled. “Thanks…”

“So Justin…what have you been up to? I hear you’re on vacation.” He said while turning his attention towards me.

I swallowed nervously. There’s nothing like just meeting a girl’s father and then being questioned by him with no hope of someone interrupting. Both Alyssa and her mom were fast asleep. “Yeah…I’m from California and just wanted to get away for the summer…”

“So what do you think of it so far?”

“I love it…I think it helped meeting Alyssa at the hotel. She’s been great, showing me around town and teaching me how to crack crab. Although, I haven’t quite figured it out yet.”

Dave smiled and nodded his head. “It takes practice that’s for sure. Well…I don’t want to keep you. I’ll let you get some sleep. See you in the morning…” He said before standing up and walking back up the stairs.

Well that definitely went a lot better than I thought. He seemed like a nice guy and he didn’t want to rip my head off for Alyssa lying on me. I’d think most fathers would have thrown the guy out for even touching their daughter in their house. But this was different…he was really laid back and just easy to talk to. I love North Carolina even more than before.

I nudged Alyssa slightly and maneuvered my way out from underneath her. Gently, I picked her up and cradled her into my arms before walking into her bedroom. I laid her softly on her bed and pulled the covers up over her. She shifted a little before snuggling deeper into her covers. I leaned over and kissed her forehead. Softly, Alyssa sighed and I tucked her hair behind her ears. Damn…she’s beautiful. I guess I'm back at the crossroads again.

“Justin…let’s go!!”

I let out a groan as soon as her voice penetrates my head. I have never seen her so energized before. I think being at home and in her comfort zone has refueled her tanks and she just can’t sit still. Alyssa has been on my ass ever since the rude awakening I receiver this morning. After tossing and turning half of the night, I finally found a comfortable spot and was sleeping soundly until Alyssa literally jumped on top of me at six in the morning. Who gets up at six in the morning on vacation anyways?

“I’m coming…” I yelled back to her as I grabbed my things and started up the stairs.

“About time slow poke…” She said while handing me a baseball glove. Now I’d like to point out that I haven’t played catch in about ten years, therefore, I cannot be held accountable for any mishaps.

“Maybe if someone didn’t wake me so rudely this morning, I’d be a little more chipper.”

“Quit whining Timberlake.” She quipped before walking out into the backyard.

It was another beautiful day outside in North Carolina and Alyssa was looking forward to spending some time enjoying the outdoors. I don’t know how baseball falls under “outdoors” but it’s Alyssa…enough said.

“Why are we playing catch?” I asked stopping at the opposite end of the yard.

“Because I love this game and I haven’t played it since I was sixteen.” She answered as she sent the ball sailing in my direction.

Quickly, I managed to catch it without making myself look like a complete idiot. Although, I didn’t miss the giggle that escaped her lips when I tripped over the tree stump. Regaining my composure I reached behind and threw the ball back towards her with as much force as I could muster.

Effortlessly, she snatched the ball out of mid-air and sent it back with vengeance. “Where did you learn to throw like that?” I yelled to her.

“My dad. He had me in and out of softball camps growing up and I guess it was just the one sport I was good at. I’m completely uncoordinated when it comes to basketball and don’t even ask me to throw a football. I can’t make the ball spin if my life depended on it.”

I laughed when the image of Alyssa struggling to grip the football popped into my head. She’s always so damn composed it’d be nice to see her struggle every once and a while.

We spent the next couple of hours playing catch and throwing the ball outside but heavy clouds seemed to come out of nowhere and soon the sky opened up on us. The lightning cracked and the thunder roared. Gathering our things we quickly ran inside to escape the downpour.

“I’m freezing…I’m going to hop in the shower quick…” Alyssa said before walking down the stairs back to our rooms. I couldn’t stop the image of Alyssa in the shower from overtaking my body and I felt the growing tension in my jeans. Lately, she’s been conjuring these feelings up inside me and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to stop myself. Her eyes, her lips, her body…all of it are driving my senses crazy.

Trying to regain some sense of control, I walked into my room and closed the door. Needing to get out of these wet clothes, I changed into a new pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Grabbing my cell phone, I decided to make a much needed call home.

Dialing the familiar numbers, I sat down on the bed and waited for the one person who could snap me out of this.

“What’s up J?”

“Hey Trace…nothing just hanging out at Alyssa’s. What’s going on back in L.A?” I asked.

“Getting ready to go to some more promotional events for William Rastt. You need to hurry up and get your ass back here. I’m getting really tired of doing all the work while you’re just off on vacation.” He complains.

I’m seriously one of the luckiest people alive to have Trace as a business partner. He’s been running the show ever since I got out here and I can’t thank him enough for keeping my career going. “I’ll be back next week…Thanks again man for doing all of this…”

“Yeah whatever…just buy me some beer next time we’re out.” He requests.

“Done deal…”

“So how’s it going at Alyssa’s house?” Trace asks.

“It’s good…we’re leaving tomorrow morning but it’s been fun. Her parents are just like ours…very laid back and just fun loving people.” I explained.

“Sounds cool…” I didn’t catch the rest of what he said because all of a sudden my door creaked open and Alyssa was standing there with a towel wrapped around her naked body. If she was trying to test me, she’s doing one hell of a job.

“If you wanted to take a shower…it’s all yours.” She said softly before closing the door behind her.

“Dude….Justin…Hello?” Trace’s voice breaks into my thoughts and pulls me from my daze.

“Sorry man…Alyssa was talking to me…” I said trying to keep my voice steady. The last thing I need is my voice cracking because Trace will know immediately what’s up.

“Whatever…hey I got to run. I’ll see you next week and you better not come back to L.A. without kissing that girl. She’s got you all wound up…do us all a favor.” He said cockily before clicking the phone off.

Trace was definitely right. Alyssa literally has me wrapped around her finger and I’m doing everything possible to hold on. I’m leaving town in a week and that makes things extremely complicated. But there’s no denying that I am physically attracted to her, hell my pants practically expand the minute she walks into a room now.

Deciding to take Alyssa up on the offer, I headed into the bathroom and turned the water on. Stepping inside, I let the warm water rush over my body and pull me deeper into my thoughts. It’s been the trip to her parent’s house that has thrown my feelings into overdrive. Seeing her in her element and so completely confident…is even sexier than before. Alyssa’s been taking over my head for the entire weekend and I feel it all coming to a head soon. I don’t know how much longer I can deny the physical feelings I have towards her.

After cleaning myself from head to toe, I turned the water off and stepped outside. I wrapped a towel securely around my waist and opened the door. Alyssa was sitting on the couch with her legs tucked underneath her as. Positioned on her lap was a huge tub of popcorn.

She coughed slightly when she was me coming out of the bathroom and I must admit it felt damn good to fluster her.

“Clothes Justin…” She scolds before turning her attention back to the TV.

Swiftly, I pulled on a pair of pajama pants and plain white T-shirt before sitting down on the couch along side her. Reaching into the tub, I shoved a handful of popcorn into my mouth.

“Justin…there’s plenty here…you don’t have to gorge on it.”

I smiled sheepishly at her and felt a small brush creep into my cheeks. Now she’s got me blushing.

“What are we watching?” I asked before throwing a blanket over the two of us. Even after a warm shower, I’m still a little cold from the rain.

“The Departed?!” She said unsure of herself.

“That’s fine with me…”

Three hours later we were both having a hard time keeping our eyes open. I’ll admit the movie was excellent and definitely worth all the hype it got. But three hours is a long time to watch TV and it has left me completely drained. Not to mention Alyssa is practically leaning against me to stay awake.

I nudged her slightly and she began to stir. “Let’s go to bed…” I whispered.

Alyssa let out a small groan and threw the blankets to the ground before drudging herself into her room. I was about to make the turn into my room when Alyssa’s hand grabbed mine and pulled me in with her.

“Stay with me tonight…” She whispered before letting go of my hand and crawling into bed. She scooted over to the side to allow me room to climb in next to her.

“What about your parents?” I asked.

“They’re not coming back tonight. They’re staying at my Grandma’s house…”

That was all the convincing I needed before I climbed in next to her. I positioned the blankets snug around us and wrapped my arms around her waist pulling her flush against my chest. The scent of vanilla bean attacked my nose and I couldn’t get enough of her. I felt Alyssa roll in the bed and turn to face me. She brought a hand up to my cheek and ran her fingers down the side of my face before flattening her hand and pulling me into her. The minute our lips met it was as if my body was on fire. She grinded her hips into me and deepened the kiss. I felt her tongue graze my lower lip and I opened my mouth slightly to allow her entrance. Our lips began to dance and I locked my arms around her. I’d been longing to do this with her…I couldn’t believe she was the one to initiate it.

I could feel my tension grow each time she rolled her hips into mine. I let my hands travel down her sides and graze of her butt before bringing them back up to her sides. I kneaded the skin with my knuckles and a low moan escaped her lips. Hearing her purr was almost enough to send me over the edge. Trying to regain some sensibility, I slowed the kiss until finally pulling away. Her eyes searched mine for some kind of answer as to why we stopped and I honestly don’t know why I did. But something just didn’t feel right.

“Are you ok?” She asked slightly out of breath.

“I’m great…I just don’t think we should be doing this in your parent’s house…”

“I told you…they’re not coming home tonight.” She said before trying to recapture my lips with hers.

“I know…I just don’t think it’s a good time…” I said lamely. I don’t know why I’m stopping this because lord knows it’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past few days. I just don’t think now, when we’re both completely exhausted and in her parent’s house nonetheless is the best time.

A look of disappointment flashes through her eyes. “Ok…”

“Don’t be upset…because trust me I want too. It’s just…”

“You don’t have to explain Justin…I understand.” Alyssa said cutting me off.

“You don’t…” I started to object and she silenced me with her lips.

“It’s ok…don’t ruin what just happened with explanations. Get some rest Justin.” Alyssa says before turning back around to face the wall. I know she’s feeling rejected because she initiated that contact and I feel like a complete asshole. She’s all I can think about and I can’t believe I stopped what I’d been longing for. I’m an idiot.

There’s a saying “He who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure.” These past three months that I’ve spent in North Carolina has only solidified that meaning. Alyssa is by far the best person I could’ve ever met on this vacation. She is the epitome of what a loyal and honest friend should be. She was there to just listen and take my mind off of all my worries. Alyssa let me be me and that’s more than what I could’ve asked for.

I can’t believe how fast these past three months have gone by and to think this time tomorrow night, I’ll be back in California is strange. I’ve grown so accustomed to this place, these people and this lifestyle. Being thrust back into the lights and fame will be difficult especially when I am used to all the privacy I want. Even though I miss my house, my family and my dogs…I’ll miss this place more just because for three months I was able to be Justin without the superstardom attached.

After spending the weekend with Alyssa’s parents I got a real sense of who she is as a person. Alyssa is a real family person through and through. That by far is her most attractive quality to me. She cares deeply for those around her and everything you give her she gives back ten fold. Those people are rare to come by and I know I’m lucky to call her a friend.

That’s why I’ve been busy all day putting together a surprise for her. Just a little something to say thank you for everything she’s done for me. Alyssa is planning on spending the night with me and taking me to the airport bright and early. I know she’s been dreading this day for the past week but she said there was nothing that would stop her from seeing me off.

It’s starting to get late and Alyssa still hasn’t shown. She left work early to run home and change before coming over but she’s definitely taking longer than I thought. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door and I felt my heart jump. The final night was upon us and now that it was here…I felt like the one dreading it. Slowly, I made my way to the door and opened it. However, I wasn’t prepared for the sight before my eyes. Alyssa was standing there with a hooded sweatshirt on and her hair pulled back. Hesitantly, she drew her eyes up to meet mine and my heart practically broke in two. Her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were stained with fallen tears. Softly, I smiled and pulled her to my chest.

“I don’t want you to go…” She whimpered into my shoulder.

“Don’t cry Lyssa…I can’t take seeing you upset.” I whispered as I softly rubbed her arms. “I promise I’ll come back and I expect you to come see me.”

“It won’t ever be the same though. That’s what’s so hard. We won’t ever have the simplicity of this summer anymore.” She sighed.

“I’m not going to lie to you and say my life doesn’t complicate things because it does. But when it comes to us…I’ll try my hardest to keep it just between you and me. I promise.” Softly, I wiped the tears off her cheeks and planted a small kiss there instead.

Finally, she smiled softly before releasing me from her arms. I never like to see anyone cry, but its gut wrenching to see someone you care about hurting. It feels like someone sucker punched me in the stomach. I definitely do not want to be the reason to make her cry anymore.

I let my hand slide down her arms and intertwined our fingers. Lightly, I tugged on her hand and pulled her down next to me on the bed. “Don’t be sad…it’s our last night together. Besides, how can you be sad when I got you a surprise?”

Her eyes lit up and a genuine smile overtook her face. “Justin, you didn’t have to do that…”

I raised my hand and put a finger to her lips to silence her. “I wanted to. But it’s nothing tangible…”

Alyssa raised an eyebrow at me. “Oookkk…”

I stood up and walked over to the chair to pull out my guitar from behind it. Alyssa brought her hand to her mouth when she saw it. “Justin…you didn’t…”

I laughed. “Oh, I did…now I don’t ever and I mean ever write a song for anyone. Except for that whole Britney thing but moving quickly along…You’re different and this song is different. This is my way of saying thanks. For letting me find myself again with your help and your friendship.”

Alyssa tucked her legs underneath her and put her arms in her lap. She looked on eagerly as I brought the guitar to my legs. Gently, I stroked the strings over and over as the melody began to fulfill the room. I let myself get lost in music before letting my heart sing.

Staring out at the rain with a heavy heart
It's the end of the world in my mind
Then your voice pulls me back like a wake up call
I've been looking for the answer somewhere
I couldn't see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

It's alright, I survived, I'm alive again
Cause of you, made it though every storm
What is life, what's the use if you're killing time
I'm so glad I found an angel
Someone who was there when all my hopes fell
I want to fly, looking in your eyes

Because you live and breathe
Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help
Because you live, girl
My world has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live, I live

Because you live there's a reason why
I carry on when I lose the fight
I want to give what you've given me always


After strumming the last chord, I opened my eyes and turned to look at Alyssa. I’m not going to lie; I was scared out of my mind as to what she would think. I had never sung in front of her before let alone write a song for her. However, all my worries disappeared when my eyes met hers. There were fresh tears brimming her eyes and smile as wide as the ocean playing on her face.

“That was beautiful Justin…I don’t know what to say…”

I set my guitar down before turning towards her. “You don’t have to say anything…I didn’t know any other way to say thank you for what you’ve done. When I came to North Carolina…I was completely lost. I didn’t even know if music was what I wanted to do anymore. But you changed everything for me. You didn’t care about my past or even a side of my life that most people use me for…you just wanted to know the real me. You restored my faith in people…you have no idea how much I am in debt to you.”

The tears that were threatening to fall were now rolling down her cheeks. I reached my hand up and brushed them away again before pulling her close to me and kissing her lips. It wasn’t a passionate or lustful kiss. But one of friendship and closure, exactly what we needed. Alyssa slowly pulled away and I found myself being the one who wanted more.

But the shrieking of her cell phone was enough to pull me from my daze. I had never felt that way after kissing her before and I certainly didn’t need to start the night before flying back to California.

“Hey Ryan…” She said after picking up her phone.

Ahhh…neighbor boy again. I seriously despise that guy.

“No…I can’t. I’m taking Justin to the airport tomorrow morning.” She said with a strain in her voice. This can’t be good…

“Ryan…I’m not going to get into this right now with you. He’s my friend and that’s all that should matter. I’ll call you tomorrow after I drop him off.” She said while bringing a hand to her head and rubbing her temples.

“Talk to you later…” Alyssa said quickly before shutting her phone and then turning it off.

I raised an eyebrow at her as she hopped back on the bed next to me.

“Sorry…”

“Don’t be. Is everything ok?” I genuinely wanted to know but part of me wanted to know what that asshole said about me too.

Alyssa grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers before explaining. “Yeah, everything will be fine. You two must’ve really rubbed each other the wrong way because whenever I’m with you, he’s short and snappy.”

“I didn’t even say much to the guy…” I said looking at her.

“I know you didn’t. He’s just a little protective of me. Can we change the subject…I don’t feel like talking about Ryan anymore.”

I reached for the remote and turned the TV on. Mindlessly, I flipped the channels before settling on an old movie. Alyssa snuggled closer to my side and I wrapped my arm around her. The smell of vanilla bean attacked my nose and her warmth put my senses on high. I felt her hand move to rest on my leg and that literally put me on edge.

“I’m going to miss these times…” Alyssa said softly before looking at me.

“Me too…” I said before reaching up to caress her cheek.

“Justin…” She murmured before I crashed my lips onto hers. I felt every part of myself being set on fire and I wanted nothing more than to rush this kiss but this moment was special for the both of us.

Alyssa shifted on the bed before maneuvering herself to straddle my legs. I felt the weight of her on my lap and the touch of her hands was enough to drive me insane. I know I shouldn’t be doing this but I don’t care anymore. I had been fighting these feelings for her for so long now…I don’t care that I am leaving tomorrow because tonight is going to be perfect.

Alyssa reached her hands underneath my shirt before pulling it up over my head and discarding it on the floor. My hands immediately entangled themselves in her hair and I pull her closer. I couldn’t get enough of her…her smell, her taste, her touch. I wanted every part of her. My hands explored every inch of her body and it was becoming harder to control myself.

I grasped her shirt before lifting it up and throwing it on the floor along with the rest of our clothes. Softly, I cradled her in my arms as I moved us down on the bed and pulled the covers over us. My breathing was ragged and I felt my pulse quicken when our eyes met.

“Justin…” She whispered.

I never knew how your own name can send shivers down your spine when spoken in that way. “Alyssa…are you sure?” I asked. The last thing I would ever want is for her to be uncomfortable with this.

“Yes…please Justin. I need you.” She said lustfully. I parted her legs and gently pushed myself inside. Her walls tightened at my entrance and I had to stop and compose myself before continuing in a slow movement. Our bodies started to move in sync and my lips never left hers as I pulsed in and out. Alyssa wrapped her arms around me and locked her legs at the ankles. I quickened my pace when I felt her getting close and the tremors start to take over her body. She dug her nails into my back and I felt her walls tighten around me. Hurriedly, I worked my hips into hers and finally reached my release before collapsing on top of her. I slowly rolled off of her to lie next to her. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her flush against me.

“That was amazing…” She said with sleep laced through her voice.

Gently, I kissed her lips. “Absolutely…”

Alyssa snuggled closer to my chest and wrapped her arms around me. “Night Justin…”

“Good night Alyssa…” I said before closing my eyes and falling into a deep sleep almost immediately. Who said friends couldn’t sleep with each other? Besides…it was only a one time thing.

Whoever said sex complicates things…was absolutely right. Looking back I never should have slept with Alyssa. I guess I got caught up in the moment; everyone is entitled to those once in a while. But I jeopardized our friendship for one night of passion. Now, I’m not saying the sex wasn’t good because it was great…but that’s what makes this morning so much harder. After last night, I don’t want to leave because she lit something in me that I’ve pushed away for years now. She brought out a fire and passion inside of me that’s been gone ever since my break-up with Cameron.

I woke up over an hour ago and I’ve been sitting out on the balcony just thinking. Watching Alyssa sleep peacefully next to me was screwing with my head and I was tempted to just say fuck it and stay. That’s part of the reason I needed to be alone to just reevaluate where Alyssa stood in my life. I know without a doubt she holds a very special place in my heart and life. I’ll never forget the time spent with her in North Carolina. I just hope Alyssa understands what happened last night was meant too but it doesn’t change what needs to happen in two hours. I still have to get on that plane and head back to my life in California.

Looking over the beach one last time, I stood up and stretched my arms above my head. The smell of salt water was floating through the air and the beach was already starting to fill with people. I turned and softly opened the door. Scanning the room, my eyes landed on Alyssa’s sleeping form. She was completely wrapped in the blankets, snuggled down deep. Quietly, I maneuvered myself back into bed with her and pulled her to my chest. Gently, she started to stir and her eyes fluttered open. I’ll never forget this moment when her blue eyes shone so brightly this morning. She was breathtaking.

“Morning…” I said before lightly kissing her lips.

“Morning Justin…” She said with sleep laced through her voice.

I reached up and tucked a piece of hair that had fallen behind her ear. “How are you doing?”

“I’m great…How are you?” She said before letting a yawn escape her lips.

“Good…I don’t mean to rush you or anything but I really have to get going to the airport.”

A sense of dread passed through her eyes at the mention of me leaving. Neither of us was looking forward to this but when I was sitting outside I realized that my time in North Carolina had to come to an end. I had another life back in California that I needed to get back too, there were people counting on me and obligations I had to fulfill. Reality had finally caught up to me, there was no more running away.

Alyssa unraveled herself from the blankets and started to get her things together. A few minutes later we were walking downstairs towards the car when a familiar hand made contact with my butt.

“Good morning Mrs. Smith…” I said while turning around.

“Hi Justin. Are you leaving us?”

“Yeah, I have to get back to California…”

“Well, I hope you keep in touch with this lovely young woman. She’s been with you all summer.” She pointed towards Alyssa and began to lecture.

I interrupted her before it could get out of hand. “I plan on it…I’ll even give you a call once and awhile. I don’t need you finding a new man to torture.”

Mrs. Smith blushed slightly before extending her arms out. “It was great to meet you Justin. Take care of yourself.”

“You too Mrs. Smith. Have a great rest of the summer.” I said while enveloping her in a quick hug. Ever since our little heart to heart during the fourth of July bash, Mrs. Smith and I have developed a Grandmother-Grandson relationship. She definitely kept things interesting around here and I’ll miss her.

I reached back and grabbed Alyssa’s hand before proceeding out towards her car. I loaded all of my bags before hopping inside. The car ride was relatively quiet. Neither of us knew what to say and the only communication going on was through our intertwined hands. Gently, I would rub my thumb across her hand just to reassure her that it would be ok. I knew she was trying her hardest to stay strong.

Upon arriving at the airport I made sure to pull my baseball cap lower and threw a pair of sunglasses on. We only had a couple of minutes to say goodbye and I didn’t want it to be ruined if I was recognized. We walked hand in hand down the terminal towards security.

Alyssa tightened her grip on my hand once we reached the last check point. I turned slightly towards her and smiled softly at her.

“I guess this is it…” She murmured.

“I guess…listen, we’ll stay in touch and I’ll come and visit whenever I can.” I said sliding my fingers under her chin and lifting her head towards me.

“I know…I’ll miss you Justin.” She said before wrapping her arms around my neck.

“I’ll miss you too…” I said pulling her closer. “Take care of yourself Alyssa and don’t forget to call me.”

Alyssa let go of me and retracted her arms but not before placing her lips over mine. I let my hands slide into her hair and opened my mouth slightly to deepen the kiss. Knowing this would be the last time I kissed her in a long time, I couldn’t get enough. I was tempted to just pull her into a bathroom and go at it one last time…but I resisted that urge knowing it would just make things harder.

She pulled away and wiped the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. I hated seeing her upset, especially knowing you’re the reason for those tears. “Please don’t cry Alyssa…we’ll see each other again soon.”

“I know, I know…I’m just being stupid. You should really get going if you want to catch the plane. Here…open this on the plane; it’s just something to remember this summer by.” She said while placing the envelope into my hands.

“Thank you…”

“No, thank you Justin. I had the best summer I could’ve ever imagined and I gained a new best friend out of the deal. I’ll miss you…” She said before giving me one last hug and kiss. Slowly, she released me from her grasp and turned to walk away. I watched her retreating form and let out a chuckle when she looked back and winked at me. I’m definitely going to miss that girl.

________________________________________________________________________

I arrived back in California a couple of hours later and was now en route to my house. I couldn’t wait to be home and back in the comfort of my own bed. Trace had called earlier wanting to know if I wanted to go out tonight but I was wiped after traveling and just wanted to chill at home.

I drudged all of my bags up my driveway before letting them land in a thud on the ground. Note to self…make sure Mike picks me up from the airport from now on because I don’t like hauling all of these bags. I turned the key and immediately was almost knocked over when Buckley and Brennan jumped on me.

“Hey guys…I missed you…” I cooed while petting them feverishly. They licked me and kept jumping up. Finally, I made my way inside and took a minute just to relish in the feeling of home. It was good to be home, not that I didn’t miss North Carolina but nothing compares to home.

I set my things down on the counter and the envelope Alyssa had given me before I left. I never opened it on the plane; I guess I was scared of the contents and how I’d feel after I read it. I figured it would be safer to read once I was home. I ripped the envelope open and emptied the contents onto the counter.

Immediately, my eyes were drawn to two pictures of us over the summer. One was taken at the Fourth of July bash. My arms are wrapped around Alyssa from behind and we’re smiling brightly into the camera. The other picture was taken at her house and we’re acting completely goofy making strange faces into the camera. That’s what I like about her, she’s not afraid to be silly. Those pictures are great memories and I’m glad I have something to remind me of the summer. The next thing that strikes me is a letter in Alyssa’s handwriting. I grabbed it before making my way into the living room to sit down and read it.

Justin,

Hi! If you’re reading this, it means you’re already hundreds of miles away from me. I don’t really know what to say except for thank you. I know that sounds cheesy but it’s true. My first job after college has been filled with wonderful memories and I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done.

It’s hard to say goodbye to you and know you’ll be on the other coast for months before I ever get the chance to see you again. But I know you’ll do great things while you’re there and if you ever need a dose of reality you know where to find me. I miss you already and know that I’ll never forget the summer we shared.

Love,

Alyssa

p.s. I love these pictures of us and I thought you might want something to remember North Carolina.


I smiled after reading at and all the memories we shared came flooding back to me. I reached for my phone and dialed the numbers to connect me back to her.

“Hello?” Alyssa said softly.

“Hey Lyssa…it’s Justin.” I said wondering why she was whispering.

“Hey Justin…you made it back?” She said in a hushed tone.

“Yeah…why are you whispering?” I asked.

She laughed. “Sorry I’m at Ryan’s house…hang on.”

I could hear shuffling around and finally a door shut.

“Ok…sorry. I just don’t feel like fighting with him and I know we would if he knew I was talking to you.”

I fucking hate that guy and I don’t know why she puts up with his bullshit. It’s like he tells her who she can and cannot be friends with. “Ok…”

“He’s just in one of those moods. So how was the flight?” She said.

“It was pretty boring. Thank you for the pictures and your letter…”

“Good, you opened it. I’m glad you like the pictures. I have them up in my house…I thought you might like some to have back in California.”

“Definitely…” I said while making my way back towards my bedroom. I was exhausted from today and I couldn’t wait to let my head hit the pillow.

“I miss you…” She said softly.

I felt my heart swell at her words. “I miss you too…”

“It’s weird not having you around anymore. I don’t know how many times today I wanted to walk upstairs and see what you were doing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…but anyways…what are you doing tonight?”

I changed into a pair of pajama pants quick before pulling the covers back on my bed. “Actually, I’m just getting into bed. I’m dead ass tired and I have a meeting tomorrow with my managers, so I’m calling it an early night.”

“I see…well I’ll let you get some rest. I miss you Justin! Call me later!” She said.

“Will do. Bye Alyssa!” I said before hanging up the phone and setting it down on the nightstand. All my worries seemed to disappear from the morning; we could definitely jump back into being friends despite sleeping with each other. Hmm…a little friends with benefits never hurt anyone every once and awhile.

Have you ever heard that quote “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened?” Clearly this person was trying to take the high road, rather than bitch and moan that whatever happened ended. However, I’m not going to be the bigger person…I’m going to bitch and moan that my vacation to North Carolina is over. I’m especially going to bitch and moan that I haven’t talked to Alyssa for almost ten months now. But have you ever noticed that when one thing goes wrong in your life it has a snowball effect.

My personal life is a complete disaster and it’s carrying over into my career. I’ve turned into this huge asshole and there’s absolutely nothing anyone can do or say to make it stop. I don’t even know if I want to change it. All I want is to talk to Alyssa and I can’t seem to make that work. My life has turned into one giant monotonous routine…wake up, work out, drive to the studio, complain about the music, bitch about my schedule, go home and eat, then go to bed. I have no variation nor do I even want any.

Trace is about the only person I can stomach around me. I’ve blown up on him a few times but he’s my boy and knows I don’t really mean it. I just need something or someone to take out my frustrations on and he’s the easiest target. When I left North Carolina I thought everything between Alyssa and I was great…so why the hell have I not heard a damn thing from her in ten months?!

“Hey man…” Trace said when I opened the door to my house. He’s practically been living with me ever since North Carolina.

“Hey…” I said while throwing my bags down on the floor and walking straight to the refrigerator. I grabbed the one thing that’s been able to numb the pain of losing Alyssa, a beer.

“Still no word huh?” He asks as he motions to my beer.

“Would you think otherwise?” I said with sarcasm dripping from my words.

"Why don’t you just fly out there and see what’s going on?”

I rolled my eyes and blew past him into the living room. “If she won’t answer her phone or return any of my calls…I don’t think showing up on her doorstep would go over so well.” I picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels, hoping he would drop the subject. Anytime we get on the Alyssa topic…it usually ends up in me yelling at him and locking myself in my room for the rest of the night. I know it’s the mature thing to do…but I don’t really care.

Trace rips the remote out of my hand and turns the TV off. “So you’re just going to sit here and wallow in your own self-pity?” He spits out.

I can feel the anger rising and I’m trying my best to suppress it. This whole hoopla every night of us fighting is really getting old. “Trace…I really don’t want to go there with you…”

“Just listen to me for a change and if you roll your eyes at me…I swear I will punch you in the face.” Trace warns and I try to restrain the eye roll that desperately wants to come out. I know Trace would never actually hit me; it’s kind of funny to watch him flip out for a change though.

“If you’ll leave me alone…then fine I’m listening.” I said while counting down the seconds till I can tune him out again and get back to my TV.

“I’m really getting tired of your crab ass moods, your constant complaining and your fucking attitude towards everyone. I’m especially tired of watching you beat yourself up over this girl. One, which you slept with but wanted nothing other than a friendship with. Obviously, that’s not really how you feel or you wouldn’t be this torn up about not speaking with her.”

I can feel my body start to shake when Trace gets close to talking about Alyssa and mine’s last night in North Carolina. I’m now the one whose two seconds away from punching him in the face.

“Listen man, you’re like a brother to me and I hate seeing you like this. If you ever listen to me at one point in your life…now’s the time. Swallow your pride and your fear, get your ass on a plane and go see her. For your sake…and everyone else’s.” Trace finishes before standing up and walking towards the door.

“Trace…” I called out.

“Yeah?” He says turning around.

“I’m sorry man…I just can’t.” I said before turning to head upstairs to the comfort and solidity of my room. Anything to escape Trace’s lecturing and the memories that flooded back just at the mention of Alyssa’s name. Once inside, I sat down on the bed and let my head fall into my hands. What did I do wrong? What could’ve possibly happened to make Alyssa not answer any of my calls?

I reached for my cell phone and joggled it in my hands before flipping it open. I dialed the familiar numbers that never seemed to bring me comfort anymore and waited for the infamous voicemail message that I knew by heart.

“Hey it’s Alyssa. Sorry I can’t get to my phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!”

“Alyssa…its Justin. I don’t know what’s wrong or why you won’t return my calls. Please call me. I’m miserable without you. I miss you…”

I shut my phone and set it down on the nightstand. Every night I went through the same routine of leaving her a message begging her to call and every time I never get a response. I don’t know why I continue to call…I guess I’m hoping that one time, she’ll change her mind and answer it.

________________________________________________________________________


My eyes shot open the minute I hear my front door slam. Who the fuck is in my house at six in the morning? If they have a key, they should know better than to be intruding this early. I throw the covers over my head and try my best to ignore the sound of feet making their way up the stairs. I groan as my bedroom door whips open and the lights flicker on. “Please leave…”

“Not a chance in hell buddy…” Trace says as he starts rummaging through my drawers and closet.

Throwing the covers off, I sit up and bed and stare at him as he tosses my clothes around. “What are you doing?”

“Getting you packed…” He says nonchalantly.

My eyes nearly bulge out of my head. If he’s packing me…that can only mean one thing. “I’m not going to North Carolina…”

“I don’t care what you want…” He says while continuing to rip apart my closet.

My heart starts to beat faster at just the thought of flying to North Carolina again and I feel like I might throw up. I can handle the rejection of Alyssa not answering my phone calls each night. But seeing her face to face and having her turn me away would almost too painful to bear.

“Trace…”

“Justin…you’re going. I already arranged a plane to take you there. You have the next two weeks off anyways. Mike’s downstairs in case you decide to fight this and if you want, I’ll come with for support.” He says throwing my bag over his shoulder and walking out of the room. “Get ready…we’re leaving in thirty minutes.” He shouts back up the stairs.

I stood up from my bed and make my way into the bathroom. I know when Trace is joking and when he’s being serious and today happens to be a serious day. That alone makes me nervous because no matter how much of a fuss I put up…I’m going.

________________________________________________________________________

An hour later, I’m securely fastened to my seat on the airplane and we’re on our way to North Carolina. My stomach feels like it’s in my throat and I’m having a hard time breathing. I just know something’s off and that this trip is only going to make things worse between her and I. Not that they could get any worse…I mean I haven’t heard from her in ten months so how much worse could they possibly get?

Trace is flipping through a magazine; Mike is taking a nap, while I’m starring nervously out the window. Honestly, I want to hurt Trace for making me go through this…and that little bastard was smart, bringing Mike with as protection. Chicken.

“It’s a five hour flight Justin…I suggest you find something to do rather than stare out the window and then over at me. You’ll thank me one day for this…” He says before turning his attention back towards his magazine.

My blood is practically boiling from his smug attitude and care-free aura. When we get back to California that boy has it coming to him. I decide to put my iPod on and let my worries get caught up in the music, maybe it will help calm my nerves.

I guess the music worked because the last thing I remember is putting it on shuffle and closing my eyes. We landed a little bit ago and Mike’s driving us back to where it all started, The Radisson. Thankfully, I don’t have the same room as I did before…I don’t know if I could handle that.

After getting ourselves situated in our rooms, I took a minute to give myself a little pep talk. There’s no fighting it anymore, I’m already here and I might as well man up and go find her. I decided to head for the one place I figured she’d be hiding out, her office.

I made the short trek over to the events building and opened the door. The familiar rush of cool air hit me and I felt my stomach tighten. I turned the corner and walked down the hallway towards her office but was stopped by a young woman carrying a load of papers.

“Can I help you?”

“Umm…I’m looking for Alyssa Powell. Is she in today?” I said trying to keep my voice steady. I certainly don’t want to explain myself to a complete stranger.

“Oh, I’m sorry. She no longer works here.” The woman says while putting her folders down on a table. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Alyssa loved this job…why would she give it up? “Do you know where I can find her?” I asked.

“Hmm…I think she has a house back on 29th court. I’m sorry I don’t know the numbers…”

“That’s fine…Thank you. Oh, one last thing…do you know why she left?” I asked.

“No, I’m sorry…I was brought in on short notice to replace her.”

“Ok, well thank you.” I said before turning to walk out of the building.

Everything about Alyssa’s disappearance is getting weirder. First, she stops answering my calls and now she quit a job that she adored. What in the hell is going on with her? Before, it was my pride getting in the way of finding her…now I need to find her to make sure she’s ok.

I quickly made my way back into the hotel and up to my room. I needed to talk to Trace. I banged on his door but there was no answer which means…he’s in my room. I slide the key into the slot and push the door open. Of course, there’s Trace sitting on my bed flipping through the TV channels.

“Hey man…so did you find her?” He asks while looking up from the TV.

I reached over and turned the TV off. “No…she no longer works for the hotel.”

“That’s weird…did they say why?”

“No…”

“So how are you going to find her now?” He asks as he gets up from the bed.

“I don’t know…the only place she’d be is her house.” I say, but immediately regret it the minute if flies off my tongue. It’s one thing showing up at her work…it’s another at her house.

“So go to her house…” Trace suggests.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” I said lamely.

“Dude…you’re already here. What are you going to do…hide out at the hotel and hope you bump into her on the street or something?”

“Maybe…”

“Whatever man…listen let’s go get something to eat. But tomorrow morning you’re going to her house and trust me you don’t want to fight with me. I’ll call the big man whose two doors down.” He scoffs.

“Yeah…by the way, could you be anymore of a puss? Bringing Mike with?!” I taunt.

“It worked didn’t it…” Trace says confidently before grabbing a key and heading out the door.

We stop by Mike’s room to pick him up before making our way down the elevator and towards the car. I decided to take them to the crab shack Alyssa had taken me the first week I was in North Carolina. Even though, I’m still the worst crab cracker in history…it’ll at least be a good time.

A few minutes later, we were sitting down at a table drinking a few beers and making fun of each other’s inability to rip open the shells. I thought I was bad at this…you should see Trace. He’s fucking terrible.

“Dude seriously…Alyssa would be all over your ass right now.” I said before finishing off my second beer.

“Well it’s a good thing she’s not around then…” Trace says before taking the last swig of his beer.

Mike’s first to get up and start heading towards register and we follow closely behind. I guess I wasn’t really paying attention to where I’m going because suddenly I’m colliding with someone.

“Oh…I’m so sorry…” I stammered out.

“Justin…” Her voice calls out.

My heart practically stops and my throat goes dry. That voice has become so ingrained in my head, every night I hear her voice message, hoping that I can connect to the real thing again.

“Alyssa…” I managed to squeak out when I saw her standing before me.

“Honey…are you ready?” A man calls out to her and I look over only to see neighbor boy with a confident grin on his face.

“Honey?” I questioned while raising my eyebrows at the pet name.

Alyssa’s eyes are downcast and she tries to look away before answering me. “Yeah…Ryan’s my fiancé.”

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Fiancé? What the fuck is going on? But before I can ask her anymore questions, she’s already out of the restaurant and walking away with Ryan’s arm securely wrapped around her waist.

Do you know what it feels like to be completely blindsided? I mean genuinely blindsided and have no fucking clue as to what is going on. I’m talking about being so caught off guard that you almost forget how to breathe. Because that’s how I feel right now. I am completely blown away and in disbelief as to what just happened last night. Never in my wildest dreams did I think Alyssa would be engaged…seriously, what the fuck?!

I don’t even remember the course of events last night after we ran into Alyssa at the crab shack. I couldn’t even remember my own name when I saw Ryan wrap his arms around her. I mean seriously…was this going on over the whole summer and I was completely oblivious to all the signs? But then why in the hell would she sleep with me? See what I’m doing…I’m driving myself crazy with all of these unanswered questions. When I flew here I had one question to ask…what happened? Now, I can think of hundreds. Like I said before, I knew this trip was only going to make things worse between us.

Trace has been pounding on my door for the last twenty minutes straight and I refuse to get up and let him in. The best thing I did last night was take his key before I went to bed. Besides if he comes in he’s just going to look at me with regret on his face and I can’t stomach his pity. Besides I’m kind of pissed off right now at him anyway, it’s his fault that I’m here right now. I never should’ve allowed myself to get caught up in Alyssa because what I’m feeling right now is fucking terrible.

Tuning the pounding out, I make my way out onto the balcony and plop myself down on a chair. This was always one of my favorite things to do in North Carolina., just sitting outside overlooking the beach, the waves and the people. It’s relaxing and refreshing at the same time. It’s also my one memory of North Carolina that isn’t tainted now because of Alyssa.

I guess I got completely caught up in enjoying my serenity because Trace has somehow made his way into my room and is pulling up a chair next to me. I take that back about this moment not being tainted because I can guarantee that he’s going to talk about Alyssa.

“Justin…dude I’m sorry about Alyssa.”

Bingo. He’s so predictable. I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone right now. “Don’t worry about it…” I mumbled and turned my attention towards two little kids building a sand castle.

“It’s my fault that you’re here…honestly; I didn’t have a clue that she was engaged.”

It’s bad enough thinking about Alyssa being engaged but having other people confirm it only makes my stomach churn more. Not to mention…it just had to be neighbor boy. It’d be easier to handle if it was just some random guy but him. I want to punch that guy in the face most of the time I’m around him and now he’s walking off with my girl.

“Can we just get out of here? I don’t want to think or talk about it anymore.” I said while standing up from my chair and walking back into the room.

“I’ll go get Mike and get us tickets to fly out today. Justin…I’m sorry again man.” Trace said before opening the door and disappearing down the hallway.

I know he’s trying to be there for me but at this time I really don’t want the sympathy. In fact, I want nothing more than to be left alone. All of a sudden, there was a knock on the door and I opened it expecting it to be Trace again, but I really wasn’t prepared for Alyssa to be standing on the other side.

My body froze and I know my mouth was practically hanging open. I couldn’t even form the words that were sitting on my tongue to tell her to leave.

“Justin…” She starts but immediately I cut her off.

“What are you doing here Alyssa?”

“I needed to see you.”

“Well you saw me. Now please leave…” I said as I started to close the door but she put her foot in front of it and pushed it open before walking into the room.

“We’ve got to talk…” She said as she sat down in a chair.

“I’m through with talking to you. I’ve called non-stop for the last ten months trying to talk to you and you never once returned any of my calls. Finally, I give in and fly out here to find you and you’re engaged...to Ryan of all people.” I yelled at her. I don’t give a fuck about keeping my voice under control, she needs to know how pissed off I am.

Her eyes flare up and she stands defiantly in front of me. “I came here to talk, not get yelled at so unless you can keep that attitude under control, I’m leaving.” She bellows back and swats a piece of hair away from her face.

If I wasn’t so pissed off at her, I’d take her and throw her down on that bed behind us because she looks beautiful standing there with a defiant glare in her eyes. Oh and then there’s the fact that she’s engaged. When that thought enters my head, I can feel the anger, hurt and rejection flow through my body and I’m more pissed off than before.

“Where do you come off ordering me around? Last time I checked you’re the one who has some explaining to do. I certainly didn’t hide a relationship from you over the entire summer and then caught you out of my life because I was getting married.” I accused.

I swear I saw hurt pass through her eyes and just as quickly as it came it passed. “I never hid a relationship with Ryan from you. I’ve never dated Ryan before. We started going out after you left. Why does it matter to you anyways? You made it clear that a friendship was all you wanted from me.” She fires back.

“I don’t think I want to be your friend, if the last ten months was your idea of a friendship.” I spit at her.

“You don’t know the half of it Justin…” The look on her face softens and her body starts to slump.

“Enlighten me then Alyssa…that’s all I’ve ever wanted from you.”

“When you left Justin…I was crushed. You were my best friend for three months and then you were torn away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”

“You could’ve called, visited or even wrote a fucking letter Alyssa. If you missed me, why would you cut me out of your life then?”

“Because I had too.” She answers.

“I don’t get it…” I said while sitting down on a chair across from her. My hands immediately went to my head and I rubbed the back of my neck. This conversation was confusing me even more.

Alyssa took a deep breath and closed her eyes before she spoke. “I didn’t know how much I loved you until you were gone.” She whispers.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me with her confession. I wasn’t expecting that. She did one hell of a job making me believe she didn’t want anything to do with me period and now she’s in love with me? Seriously…I’m even more confused than I was this morning. I’m starting to think this would be my life if I was with her…confusion.

“Alyssa…” I start but she interrupts me.

“I know you’re confused but just listen quickly and I’ll leave you alone for good, I promise. I’ve been in love with you ever since last summer and our last night together means more than you’ll ever know.” I can feel my body start to react just thinking about that night. “I’m sorry I never called you, but I listened to every single one of those messages and my heart broke knowing eventually you’d give up. I certainly didn’t expect you to fly out here to find me. I know you’re probably so pissed off at me and I can’t blame you. I’m sure you’ve already booked a flight home but I’m begging you to stay just for one night.” She divulges.

“What about Ryan…your fiancé? I ask cockily.

“He had to go out of town for work.” She says as she looks away quickly. “If you decide to go back to California…I’ll understand, but if you decide to stay…come by my house around six.” She says before standing up and walking towards the door.

“Oh Justin one more thing…” She says as she stops with the door halfway open. “I missed you…” With that, she was gone just as quickly as she came.

I continued to sit at the end of the bed and ponder our conversation especially her confessions. Part of me wanted to stay and hear what she had to say but another part, the much larger one, was telling me to grab my bags and get the hell out of dodge. Knowing I didn’t need to go through this same shit again, I started to throw my things into my bags until they were nearly busting open. I threw them over my shoulder and walked out of the room for the last time. Get me the fuck out of this place.

A few hours later Trace, Mike and I were getting onto the plane that would take me back to California and away from the pain North Carolina has caused. This whole trip practically exploded in my face and I just wanted to forget about it.

“Are you sure about this J?” Mike asked after fastening himself into his seat.

“Yep.” I snap as I sit down across from him.

“Why not go see what the young lady had to say?” Mike suggests.

I roll my eyes. “She’s only going to confuse me more…”

“You don’t know that. At least go and hear her out. That way you can get some closure to all of this.” Mike offers.

I think hard about his words and now I’m not so sure I’m doing the right thing. I fidget around in my seat until Trace smacks the back of my head.

“What the fuck?” I yell and rub the spot he just nailed.

“Either get your ass off the plane or sit still. I’m not going to fly five hours with you moving around the whole time.” Trace complains.

I continue my constant shuffling, until Trace raises his arm again. “I swear to God, I will punch you in the face if that hand gets any closer to my head.” I warn.

Out of nowhere, a hand connects to the other side of my head and I turn to look at the smug look on Mike’s face. “Trace has a point…quit fidgeting!” Mike bellows.

Since when did those two team up? I’m getting a little tired of them running the show and I cross my arms over my chest. The captain opens the small door that separates the cock pit from the cabin and tells us we’ll be taking off in twenty minutes. I nod my head and turn to look outside. My thoughts immediately return to Alyssa and everything that has happened between us over the last ten months. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it all and I know the only person that can bring some clarity is sitting in that house waiting for me.

Suddenly, I unsnap my seat belt and stand up. “Sorry guys…I need to talk to her.” I said while frantically grabbing my bags and throwing them over my shoulders.

“About fucking time…I thought you were honestly going to fly back. I was going to beat the shit out of you if you didn’t get off.” Trace laughs. “Want me to go with?”

“No…go back. I’ll call you. Thanks Mike!” I said as I walk towards the door.

“Why are you thanking him?” Trace questions.

“Because he made me realize I need some closure.” I said before walking down the stairs back to the runway. I can hear Trace bickering with Mike about everything before I begin to sprint back to the terminal. My lungs are practically burning from running and carrying about fifty pounds over my shoulders but I finally get to our car. I throw my stuff in and speed out of the airport heading in the direction of Alyssa’s house.

I’m trying to keep my head steady and reassure myself that I’m doing the right thing. I can’t allow any doubts to enter my head because surely I will turn this car right around. Trying to stay focused, I make the turn off the interstate back towards the beach. A couple of minute later, I’m parking the car outside of her house and walking up the driveway.

I freeze for a second at her doorstep before rapping my knuckles on the door. As I stand there waiting for her to answer, my stomach is doing flip flops and my hands are shaking. Suddenly, the door swings open and Alyssa is standing in front of me with a newborn securely wrapped in her arms.

What the fuck?

I don’t even think I can remember my own name right now. My eyes are completely glued to Alyssa as she tenderly clutches the baby closer to her body. Alyssa wearily smiles at me and opens the door wider but my feet are completely glued to her concrete steps. I can feel my body shaking and I don’t trust myself to take any steps without the support of someone. My eyes travel rapidly from the little bundle in pink back to Alyssa’s and my mind is completely blank. I’m completely numb standing outside.

Alyssa cautiously takes a step forward and reaches for my hand. Gently she intertwines our fingers and helps me through the door. Mindlessly, I walk towards her couch and sit down while Alyssa repositions the baby in her arms and sits across from me.

“I’m glad you chose to stay…” Alyssa says while she looks down at the baby.

“I don’t know what I feel right now…” I mumble. I can’t even function properly because my mind is racing after seeing the baby. “Is she yours?” I ask.

Alyssa nods her head and smiles tenderly at the baby before gently kissing her forehead. “Yeah…Justin meet Cadence Taylor.”

My eyes are immediately drawn to the baby and I can’t help but notice the resemblance between Alyssa and Cadence. With her big blue eyes, full head of hair, small button nose and full lips, she’s adorable. “She’s beautiful Alyssa...”

“Thank you. Let me go put her in the bassinet and we can talk. It’s time for her to lie down anyways.” Alyssa says standing up and walking back towards her bedroom with Cadence swaddled in a blanket. A few minutes later Alyssa returns with a monitor in her hand and sets it down on the coffee table. “Just in case she wakes up…”

“Why didn’t you tell me you had a baby?” I ask before she can even get settled on the couch.

“I don’t even know. When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared…I mean truly scared. I never planned to have a baby this young, especially when I wasn’t married.”

I run my hands through my hair and let out a sigh. “As a friend, I would’ve been there for you…all you had to do was tell me.”

“What good would that have done? Be realistic Justin…You were on the other side of the country and busy with your career. Was I supposed to call you up and tell you I was having a baby and needed help? I never would’ve done that.”

“I would’ve worked something out. You didn’t have to go through this alone.”

“I didn’t. Ryan was there for me through the pregnancy.”

“So that’s the reason you’re marrying Ryan, because you two had a baby together…”

Alyssa looks down at her hands in her lap and I can tell she’s feeling really uncomfortable. “There’s more to it Justin. But Ryan takes care of me and Cadence. He’s good with her and he loves her.”

“But do you love him?” I ask. I know she’s hiding things from me and I’m getting pissed that she just won’t come clean to me. I understand having a baby changes everything but it doesn’t mean you need to give up your own happiness as well.

“I think so. I mean, yeah I do.” Alyssa answers before wearily meeting my eyes with hers.

“You shouldn’t even need to think about that. Why are you really marrying him Alyssa?” I persist. Alyssa brushes a piece of hair away from her face and her shoulders sag forward. I can tell she’s been holding everything in and she’s getting close to breaking. “All I’m asking is for you to be honest with me.”

Alyssa looks up and her eyes are welling with unshed tears. Her face is displaying a mixture of regret, sadness and confusion. She lets out a huge sigh and covers her hands with her face. Her shoulders begin to shake and I can hear her cries from across the room. I can’t stand to watch her fall apart like this especially when I’m there for her to lean on. I stand up and walk towards her, kneeling down in front of her. My hands reach for her face and I pry her hands away forcing her to look at me.

“I’m not going anywhere Alyssa…tell me.”

“You’re going to hate me and you’ll walk out that door so fast. I won’t even have time to explain.” She manages to say through her tears.

“No, I won’t…I’ve spent the last ten months wondering what the hell happened to you. I’m not about to leave now that I’m this close.”

All of a sudden, a small cry breaks through the monitor, followed by another louder one. Alyssa immediately wipes the tears from her eyes and looks at me. “Cadence needs me.” Alyssa says and stands up in front of me, disappearing down the hallway before I can even protest.

There’s something eating her up inside and it kills me to see her tear herself apart. My mind is racing and then suddenly I stop the minute I hear Alyssa talking softly to Cadence over the monitor.

“Shh….Cadence mommy’s here. It’s ok…” She cooed and my heart swells listening to her comfort her child. There’s something extremely attractive about a woman who’s a great mother. “Want to meet Justin?” She asks and a loud giggle pipes through the monitor. “Good because he’s extremely important to your mommy so make a good impression.” I smiled seeing Alyssa walk out of the room with Cadence wrapped in her arms.

“Do you want to hold her?” She asks.

I feel the butterflies in my stomach the minute she asks. I’ve never been the greatest when it comes to babies and I’m scared half to death that I’ll hurt her. “I don’t know Alyssa…what if I hurt her?”

“I promise you won’t hurt her.”

I gulp when Alyssa starts to hand her over and I take the small bundle into my arms. The minute she looks up to me…I’m falling in love with her. She’s lying there with her big blue eyes starring up at me and taking me in. She’s the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen and part of my heart starts to hurt knowing she’s Ryan’s.

Alyssa smiles brightly at the two of us and for a moment in time she seems truly happy. All of the pain and regret are wiped from her face and there’s a glow radiating from her as she watches me hold Cadence.

“When’s Ryan coming back?” I ask before handing her back to Alyssa.

“Not till next weekend.” She says while coddling Cadence. “Justin…there’s something else I need to tell you.”

I put my hand up to stop her before standing up from the couch. “I don’t know how many more surprises I can handle today Alyssa.” I said while trying to suppress a yawn.

“Ok…”

“I’m going to go back to the hotel and get some sleep but if you need anything call me.”

“Are you leaving tomorrow?” She asks softly.

“Not if there’s something else you want to talk to me about.” I say while walking towards the door.

“Can we get together tomorrow morning then?” She says while shifting Cadence in her arms.

“Sure…call me in the morning when you’re ready.” I said before opening the door and giving her one last look before heading out the door towards my car. I know I should’ve stayed and let Alyssa tell me whatever it is she needed to but holding Cadence jolted something inside of me. She’s this little innocent bundle of joy, who looks up at me and giggles, sending my heart soaring. That scares me because in one instant I fell in love with someone who belongs to the man whose about to marry Alyssa. Those two girls have parts of my heart while theirs belong to another man. I can’t get so caught up in all of this again, look how it turned out the last time.
________________________________________________________________________

The sun seems to be shining a little brighter today and the people are laughing a little louder today. I know I sound like some cheesy hallmark card, but there’s something different with me. I just can’t seem to take my mind off Cadence and this connection I feel towards her. Holding her in my arms and watching her look up at me with those eyes melted away any anger I felt towards Alyssa for hiding her. I can’t understand why Alyssa would hide her though, especially from me.

Alyssa called about twenty minutes ago and said she’d be right over but she was going to drop Cadence off with a friend. I told her it’d be fine to bring her with but Alyssa said there were a couple more things we needed to talk about and a baby would definitely distract us.

A knock on the door resonated throughout the room and I made my way over towards the door. I opened the door and Alyssa was standing there with two cups of coffee in her hands.

“I thought you might like one.” She said while offering it to me.

“Thanks…” I said before taking a drink. “So, what’s on the agenda for today?” I ask while walking out of the room and closing the door behind me.

“Cadence is with a friend of mine for a couple of hours, so I figured we could head down to the beach and talk.

“All right…” I said cautiously. Something feels off about her today and I have a feeling I’m not going to like whatever it is she needs to tell me. She’s avoiding looking me in the eyes and for some reason I think this cup of coffee is her peace offering.

We made the short trek down to the beach and laid out a couple of towels Alyssa brought along before sitting down. The waves were crashing hard this morning and the wind was definitely whipping around.

Alyssa turns to look at me and smiles softly. “Justin, there’s something else I haven’t told you and it’s eating me up inside.” She says before looking down at the towel and picking at some imaginary lint.

“Ok…” I said cautiously.

“I don’t even know where to begin.” She starts and then stops abruptly.

I set my coffee down and give her my full attention. “Just spit it out…you’ll feel better.”

“When you asked me yesterday about Cadence and Ryan…I wasn’t being completely honest.” She says while tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

I feel my stomach drop and I know whatever she’s going to tell me can’t be good. I nod my head wanting her to continue.

“Ryan’s not Cadence’s father…” She says so quietly that I’m not sure I even heard her right. My mind is drawing a blank and my heart is beating so fast I feel like it might pop out of my chest. My breathing is shallow and my hands are starting to tremble. “You are…”

I can’t even begin to explain the types of emotions that are running through me right now. My mind is completely numb and I know my face is completely void of any emotions.

“Say something…please Justin.” She pleads and I turn to look at her.

“I can’t…” I say while standing up.

“Let me explain why I didn’t tell you…” She hurriedly says.

“Alyssa…there’s nothing you could say that would make the pain go away right now. You hid my child from me for the last ten months. I want absolutely nothing to do with you.” I spit before turning and walking with my head hung low back towards the hotel. I can hear her calling my name frantically but I refuse to turn around and listen to her lies. My blood is pumping so hard, I don’t even trust myself anywhere near her right now. I want to hit something, someone just anything to make this pain in my chest disappear. How could she do that to me? How could she hide my child from me?

Have you ever seen that commercial where something goes terribly wrong and then it says “life comes at you fast?” I can totally relate right now. I never thought in a million years that this trip would end up the way it did. I certainly didn’t expect all of the surprises Alyssa had in store for me, especially the one about me being a father. I don’t think the news really sunk in until this morning. Knowing I am responsible for bringing another life into this world is a very powerful thing. I don’t think there are words that could possibly explain what it feels like.

I’m not going to lie and say I’m completely thrilled about being a father because I certainly didn’t plan this. But I’m man enough to take care of my responsibilities. I know staying in North Carolina is completely out of the question, in fact I just want to put some distance between Alyssa and I for now. I’m way past upset and have landed in severely pissed off with her; therefore it’s best for us to be apart. Although, I can’t just be selfish…I have a daughter to take care of now.

I caved and called Alyssa this morning so we could get together and talk about what we should do…now that we have a daughter together. I want nothing more than to take Cadence with me to California but I’m not going to be that guy. Even though Alyssa has done some questionable things…she’s still the mother of my daughter and I refuse to make things worse between us.

We decided to meet for lunch at Alyssa’s house so I can spend some time with Cadence and we can talk in private. The idea of being a father is a little intimidating but nothing could prepare me for this feeling of protectiveness. She’s my little girl and I won’t let anyone hurt her.

I try to calm both my nerves and anger while I’m walking up to Alyssa’s house. I gently knock on the door and shove my hands in my pockets. I rock back and forth on my heels until Alyssa finally opens the door. Her eyes are red and her hair is thrown up in a messy ponytail. She looks miserable and part of me is happy because miserable doesn’t even begin to describe the way she’s made me feel these past couple of days.

“Hi.” She mumbles and ushers me through the door. “Let me go get Cadence…she’s being really fussy today and I laid her down for a nap a while ago.”

Alyssa disappears down the hallway while I sit down on the chair and survey the living room. There are at least twenty different baby toys strewn about and a pink cradle swing in the corner. Alyssa has a million pictures of Cadence adorning the walls but one picture in particular catches my attention. It’s a picture of Alyssa laying the hospital bed with Cadence lying on her stomach sleeping peacefully. My heart aches knowing I wasn’t there to help Alyssa or see my daughter’s birth. It’s when thoughts like these plague my mind that the anger towards Alyssa seeps back in.

Alyssa finally appears with a squirming Cadence in her arms. Alyssa looks close to tears and even though I’m still pissed I stand up and take Cadence from her arms. I cradle her into my chest and the feeling that overtakes my body is one I have never experience before. I am totally and completely in love with another person in an instant. I bend my head down and lay a couple kisses on her forehead. Her eyes open wide as she takes me in. She continues to look at me for a couple seconds before suddenly squirming in my arms and wailing at the top of her lungs. Alyssa turns to look at me and I shrug my shoulders while gently cooing at Cadence. I hug her closer but nothing seems to calm her until finally Alyssa grabs a pacifier and takes her from my arms. Gently, Alyssa calls her name and rocks her back and forth until sleep overtakes her little eyes again.

“Has she been like this all morning?” I ask when Alyssa lays Cadence down in the bassinet.

“Yes…all night and all morning. I’m exhausted.” She answers while tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ears.

“Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve come over and stayed with her.”

“I didn’t want to bother you at three in the morning.”

“Damnit Alyssa…it’s not up to you to make all the decisions concerning Cadence. She’s my daughter too and I deserve to be there for both you and her.”

“Justin…you’ve ignored all of my calls for the past couple days…why would you have answered me at three in the morning?” Alyssa asks while running her hands over her face.

“All you had to do was leave a message saying you needed help with her and I’d been here in a flash.”

Alyssa stood up and walked into the kitchen. “I’m not going to do this anymore with you Justin…” She says while grabbing a bottle of water. “I’m not going to let you make me feel guilty every time…”

Immediately the anger flashes through me and I interrupt her rant. “Don’t fucking flip this shit onto me Alyssa. You’re the one who hid my daughter for the past ten months. I missed her birth, I missed naming her, and I missed her first smile and giggle. I’ve missed a lot…I refuse to miss anymore because you feel it’s inconvenient to include me.”

Alyssa lets out a sigh when she turns to look at me. “I know I’ve screwed up Justin…I really fucked up…but I’m not going to let you just sit here and knock me down when I’m already feeling low.”

“Well let me clue you in on a few things Alyssa. I’m not going to sit here and let you have all control over our daughter. It took two of us to make her and it will take two of us to raise her. I came here to talk about all of this not sit here and fight with you.” I say while running my hands across the back of my neck. I’m trying my damndest to control my anger because getting into a screaming match with her will only make things worse.

Alyssa sits down in the kitchen and I pull out a chair myself. She looks at me with tired eyes and I can tell she’s feeling defeated.

“Justin…I’m sorry about not telling you sooner about Cadence. I am deeply sorry…there are no words that can excuse what I did and I know no matter what I tell you…it won’t make anything better.”

“Why did you Alyssa…seriously, why would you think it would be better not to tell me I had a daughter?”

“I did it to protect you…”

“What do you mean protect me?” I asked with a confused expression on my face.

“You have a career Justin, which is just beginning to soar. If people knew you had a daughter…did you ever stop to think about what that would do to your career? Not to mention what would happen to our little girl if she were put in the middle of your crazy schedule.” Alyssa says.

“That’s not your decision to make Alyssa…it’s my career and my daughter.”

“Correction…she’s our daughter and I have every right to voice my opinion on how she should be raised. I don’t want her in that spotlight that you are in. I refuse to allow the paparazzi to hound her because she’s your daughter. I don’t want to restrict any time you have with her Justin but if the paparazzi become a problem…I won’t stand by and allow her to go through that.”

“I don’t want to put her through any of that either Alyssa. I can’t help who I am and what my career requires of me…but I want you to know I will do everything in my power to protect her and you.” I said honestly.

“Why me?” She asks with a skeptical look on her face.

“Because you’re the mother of my daughter and even though I’m still really upset with how you handled everything with Cadence…you’re still going to be a part of my life.”

Don’t get wrong…I’m still very pissed off at Alyssa for not telling me sooner about Cadence. But when I look into my daughter’s eyes, I see Alyssa and myself reflecting back and that will never go away. Together we made a small bundle of joy and whether I want it or not, she will forever be a part of my life. It’s better to talk about everything as adults rather than piss and moan at each other for all of Cadence’s life.

Suddenly, Cadence’s cries break our talk in the kitchen and I stand up to check up on her. I walked into the living room and swaddled her into a pink blanket. She cuddles in closer to my chest and I put a pacifier back into her mouth. Alyssa walks out behind me and peers over my shoulder at our baby. Cadence looks back and forth between the two of us and suddenly breaks out into a squeal. I feel my heart soar and there’s nothing that can compare to having my daughter look at me with a smile on her face.

“Justin…I know you have to get back to California soon…” I turn to look at her and nod my head. “Why don’t you take Cadence with you? I’ve had her for ten months…it’s only right that you get to spend some time with her now.”

“Are you sure you’re ok with that Alyssa?” I ask.

“Honestly…no because I’m going to miss her like crazy but I want you to have a chance to be her father.”

I genuinely smiled at Alyssa for the first time in a long time because she was doing what she knew needed to be done. “Thank Alyssa…”

“Don’t thank me Justin…however I might call every couple of hours to check up on her…”

“I think I can handle that.” I said while shifting Cadence in my arms.

“I’ll plan on taking off tomorrow sometime but how about the three of us go out for awhile and spend some time together. I don’t want to freak you out or anything but I’m completely clueless when it comes to babies. I might need some help.”

Alyssa smiles at me and starts to laugh. “I will definitely help you out Justin…I know I don’t deserve a second chance but I will do everything in my power to earn your forgiveness.”

I smile and nod my head at Alyssa before she walks down the hallway towards the nursery. I know Alyssa will ring true to her promise and she will do whatever it takes to make things right again. Even though we have a long way to go to patch things up between us again…we’re definitely on the right path for Cadence’s sake.

Alyssa finally appears with a diaper bag thrown over her shoulder and every little thing Cadence could possibly need during our trip out together.

“Lesson number one…you will more than likely always need to change her diaper after she wakes up from a nap and before you take her out.” Alyssa says while pulling out a new diaper from her stacks of supplies.

I look at her with shock clearly displayed on my face. I haven’t changed a diaper in years…I don’t even remember how to do it anymore. “Ummm…” I mumble.

“Need help changing a diaper?” She asks with an amused smile playing on her face.

“Yeah…” I answered timidly.

“All right…give her here.” Alyssa says while taking Cadence from my arms and laying her down on a blanket. She unsnaps her onesie and then pulls the tabs of her old diaper off. Alyssa explains what to use and the order to use it from wipes, to baby powder, and finally securing the new diaper on. My mind is spinning making sure I follow the steps correctly. I don’t want to be a failure and I certainly don’t want to hurt Cadence in anyway.

Alyssa finally snaps all the buttons back up and lifts Cadence from the floor. “There…if you need a refresher course I’m sure she’ll need a change later.” Alyssa says while winking at me.

“Great…”

“Lesson number 2…when you take her out make sure you have enough diapers, baby wipes, powder, pacifiers, toys, bottles, formula, clothes…anything you think you might need. You should pack it. You don’t want to be somewhere and she’s crying and you don’t have anything to soothe her.” Alyssa says while going through the diaper bag.

I know my face must be white as a ghost right now. I certainly wasn’t expecting such a list of things to remember if I want to go out with her for a little bit. I am starting to freak out inside and I’m really nervous that I’m going to fail at being a father.

“You’ll get the hang of things really quickly Justin…don’t worry.” Alyssa says while standing up from the floor. “Let’s get going…”

I take Cadence in my arms and follow closely behind Alyssa. I know I have a lot to learn when it comes to being a father and even though I’m scared shitless that I’ll fail…I know Alyssa’s willing to help every step of the way. I still can’t believe I’m a father, I’m responsible for another life…you know, there should be an application for this job or something because I can barely take care of myself.

Life has a funny way of changing when you least expect it, but it’s how you adapt to those changes that shows the true nature of a person. My life has literally turned inside and out since bringing Cadence back to California. She’s my world…my everything and I wouldn’t change a thing. Holding her small body in my arms and having her look up to me with a goofy smile on her face makes my heart explode with love. She’s my sweet little girl.

Having a baby puts everything into perspective. Nothing is important as her…not even my career. Even though it’s certainly not the best timing to have a newborn in my care, considering I ‘m suppose to be gearing up for a world tour, nothing could stop me from spending all my time with my daughter. My daughter…I’m still getting used to that.

Cadence has been with me in California now for almost a week. I’ve completely re-decorated my house making sure it’s safe for her. I’ve hit up pretty much every store available buying all the necessities and even some toys…ok maybe a lot of toys for her. But hey…it’s my little girl we’re talking about here. I’ve even called for some back-up in the form of my mother. She was thrilled to learn she had a granddaughter and I literally have to pry Cadence out of her arms when I’m home. But my mom’s been teaching me all about feedings, changing’s, sleeping, or lack there of, you name it and I’ve learned about it. She’s been a huge help. I thought doing concerts every night was exhausting…but taking care of Cadence is more work than I could’ve ever expected but more rewarding then tens of thousands of fans screaming. Because when she looks up at me with those big blue eyes…I forget about everything except how lucky I am to call her my child.

I just finished a rehearsal for the upcoming tour and am now rushing home to be with my daughter. I’ve talked to Alyssa about three times each day…she calls to check up on Cadence but I think she’s calling to check up on me and offer any words of wisdom. Rounding the street corner I can see my addition and I can’t wait to see my baby’s smiling face. I pull my car into the driveway and practically jump out of it before I have it in park.

“Mom…you here?” I yelled after opening the door and throwing my keys on the kitchen counter.

“Upstairs…” She calls down. I take the stairs two at a time and start heading towards the nursery. Opening the door quickly I see my mom rocking my little angel.

“I was just getting ready to put her down for a nap…would you like to?” She asks handing Cadence over to me and walking out of the room.

I pull Cadence into my chest and give her a kiss on the forehead. Cadence wiggles in my arms before snuggling deeper into my chest while I sit down on the rocking chair. I wrap the blankets snug around her body and gently start to sway back and forth. Running my hand over her hair and down her cheek I watch her eyes start to flutter close. Softly I start to sing to her as she falls asleep in my arms.

There are two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
And she’s daddy’s little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus
And I close my eyes
And I thank God for all the joy in my life

With all that I’ve done wrong in my life
I must’ve done something right
To deserve a hug every morning
And butterfly kisses at night…


Cadence is fast asleep in my arms as my voice starts to fade and I stand up and place her softly in her crib. I bend down and kiss her softly before closing the door slightly and heading back towards the kitchen.

“Is she asleep?” My mom asks while taking a drink of water and sitting down in a chair.

“Yeah…she fell asleep right away…” I said while opening the refrigerator and grabbing something to drink myself.

“It’s because you sing to her…”

“How do you know I sing to her?” I asked with my eyebrows raised.

My mom points to the monitor sitting on the counter and I blush slightly. “I didn’t know I had an audience…”

“I’ve been listening to you sing for years Justin. Besides I used to sing to you when you were little too. It was the only way we could get you to fall asleep. Although, my voice isn’t half as good as yours. So how were rehearsals?”

“Tough…there’s a lot of new choreography to learn and this show is huge compared to the last one. There’s a lot we still have to work out but it’s starting to come together…” I said while sitting down on the counter. My mom gives me that look…you know the one that says get down from there. But I remain firmly planted in my spot, it’s my house anyways.

“Have you told Alyssa about the tour?”

I cringe just thinking about it. Throughout all of our conversations this past week…I have yet to break the news about the tour to Alyssa. I’m just learning to be a father and I don’t want to give that up but Alyssa’s made it very clear she wants Cadence shielded from the media and bringing her on tour with me is a sure fire way to get caught. Knowing I am responsible for Cadence’s safety…I actually agree with Alyssa. I don’t want her to be in that spotlight but at the same time I don’t want to give up my daughter.

“I haven’t told her yet…” I respond while shrugging my shoulders slightly.

“Justin…” My mom starts but I interrupt her.

“I know Mom…I need to tell her. I just haven’t gotten around to it and she’s been busy now that her precious Ryan is back.”

“You sound jealous?!” My mom asks while suspiciously lifting her eyebrows up at me.

“I’m not…I just don’t think he’s right for her…”

“Why do you say that?” She asks as she takes a drink of her water.

I seriously don’t want to get into this conversation with my mom but sometimes people just need to vent. “He gives me the creeps…when he looks at me he’s just got this smug ass look across his face. I don’t trust him and I certainly don’t want Cadence around him.”

My mom smirks a little as she nods her head. “Well make it a point tonight when you talk to her to tell her. She has a right to know Justin.” My mom stands up from her chair and starts to head towards the door.

“Where are you going?”

“Back home…I’m exhausted. That little girl can wear me out.” She says laughing before shutting the door behind her.

I take my water into the living room and plop myself down onto my couch. I stretch out and reposition the pillows behind my head before turning the TV on. Since Cadence is taking a nap…might as well too. I turn on a movie and it’s not long before I can feel my eyelids getting heavy.
________________________________________________________________________

I must’ve been exhausted from rehearsals because I finally wake up over an hour later. Immediately I rub my eyes and stretch my sore limbs before getting up to check on Cadence. I take the steps two at a time and open her door. She’s laying there quietly with her eyes open playing with her stuffed animals. She lets out a giggle when she sees me approach her crib, I guess it’s her way of saying “hi daddy.” Gently, I pick her up and head back down stairs.

“Hey baby…how’s my little girl doing?” I coo as we walk into the living room. She continues to wiggle in my arms and laugh as I make goofy faces at her. Why is it that a child can turn any grown man into a little kid?

Suddenly, my phone starts to vibrate across the counter. I pick it up and I don’t even have to look at the caller id to know it’s Alyssa.

“Hello?”

“What the hell Justin?” She snaps at me. What crawled up her ass today?

“What are you talking about Alyssa?” I say while grabbing a bottle for Cadence and throwing it in the microwave.

“Obviously you haven’t looked at the papers…” She says angrily.

“No I haven’t. I’ve been busy…what’s going on?” I say while taking the bottle out and feeding Cadence.

“You’re all over the papers getting stuff for Cadence. They’re speculating about our daughter. Justin we talked about this…I won’t let her be put in that situation…”

I walk into the living room and turn the news on and sure enough there are pictures flashing across the screen of me walking out of baby stores with my hands full of bags. I don’t know how the hell they found me but this certainly doesn’t bow well for me.

“I don’t know how they got those pictures Alyssa…I was….” I start to explain and she stops me before I can even finish.

“Just be careful Justin. I want Cadence to be with you but I won’t let her get tangled in all of that. Please Justin…” She begs.

I look down at that little girl whose got my eyes, my lips and Alyssa’s nose and I realize something. She’s completely fragile and vulnerable to every decision I make as her father and it’s my duty to protect her. I gave Alyssa my word that I would do anything in my power to protect both of them and now is when I need to live up to it.

“I’m sorry Alyssa…it won’t happen again.”

“I know it won’t Justin…thank you.”

“Why are you thanking me?”

“Because I couldn’t have ever asked for a better father for my daughter.”

I believe whole heartedly in second chances. Everyone makes mistakes but the true test of a person’s character is what they do when given another opportunity to make things right. I guess flying Alyssa out to California to stay with me constitutes a second chance for us to be friends. Right now I wouldn’t call us anything other than two people raising our child together. We get along for the sake of our daughter but I certainly wouldn’t call our relationship anything other than that.

It took some convincing on my part to get her to come out here since she’s never left North Carolina before but now that she’s on her way, I’m excited. I want to show her what life is like out here but more importantly how far I’ve come in caring for Cadence. I’ve learned so many things about our little girl by just spending time with her. I’ve learned that she loves to sleep; her favorite blanket is the one I bought her when we got out here, she hates it when I put her down and she instantly falls asleep when I sing to her. I never would’ve learned any of that just seeing her every once and awhile. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do when I go on tour and can’t be with her.

Alyssa’s plane is arriving any minute now and I’ve done my best to disguise myself so that Cadence and I can both greet her when she gets off the plane. Alyssa thinks I’m just picking her up and we’re meeting my mother later with Cadence but I know she’s dying to see her baby. I thought it would be a nice surprise…just the three of us.

Cadence has to be the most well behaved baby I’ve ever seen and I’m not just saying that because she’s mine. But she rarely cries and she’s content just being in my arms when we’re out. Right now she is intently sucking on her pacifier while I watch the people file off the plane. Keeping my eyes pealed, I finally spot Alyssa towards the end of the line carrying all of her bags. After most of the people have dispersed from the terminal I approached Alyssa.

“Hey there…”

Alyssa turns around suddenly and the smile that lights up her face when she sees Cadence is one I’ll never forget. “There’s my little girl…oh come to mommy.” She says while she throws her bags to the ground and takes Cadence from my arms. Alyssa pulls her tightly to her chest and attacks her face with kisses. “I’ve missed you…” She says softly before looking up towards me.

“Hey Justin…thank you for this. I’ve missed her so much.” She says with a genuine smile on her face.

“It’s my pleasure…but I think it’s best if we get going. We haven’t caught anyone’s attention and I certainly don’t want to start now…” I said while grabbing Alyssa’s bags and throwing them over my shoulder while she carries Cadence through the terminal and out to the car.

Alyssa and I spend most of the drive back to my house talking about Cadence and how much she’s grown. I’ve filled her in on some of her new developments like how she’s able to hold herself up for a couple of seconds before tumbling backwards. Alyssa keeps looking back to a sound asleep Cadence in the backseat and I know she’s just happy to be near her daughter again.

“So how’s the wedding planning coming along?” I asked wondering what in the hell would possess me to ask about neighbor boy.

Alyssa shrugs her shoulders before answering me. “I haven’t done anything. I don’t know…it’s just…” She stammers before stopping. “I don’t want to burden you with anything…”

“You’re not…you can tell me.” I said glancing over at her before turning my eyes back to the road. I don’t really know why I asked her about her upcoming wedding to the great and wonderful Ryan. I guess I was just looking for something to talk about.

“He doesn’t actually know I’m out here…” My face must’ve shown the shock because she quickly explains before I can even say anything. “He’s always out of town working and whenever I talk about Cadence and you, we always get into these huge blowouts. I don’t know…he’s just stressed out from work and I needed to get away.”

I nod my head knowing it’s not my place to pry when she’s ready to talk, she will. “Anything in particular you want to do out here?” I asked while making the turn into my addition.

“Just spend every minute I can with Cadence...” She says as she looks back towards our baby and then at me. “And you.”
________________________________________________________________________

Being able to spend the last couple of weeks with Cadence has been the best time of my life but having Alyssa here to help…is even better. Alyssa and I are really starting to repair the damage that’s been done and learning to be friends again. We’ve had several talks about life, love and relationships but nothing tops the conversation we had last night. Alyssa actually broke down in front of me apologizing profusely for hiding Cadence. It was one of the most sincere acts I’ve ever seen and I know without a doubt we can move past that. Although I don’t agree with the decision she made…I now understand why she did it and I’ve forgive her for it.

We’ve talked a lot about our hopes and dreams for Cadence. Both of us hope she grows up without any media attention. We just want a normal childhood for her and my life doesn’t exactly provide that. Clearly a topic we’ll have to discuss more.

Cadence has finally fallen asleep for the night and Alyssa’s camped out on my couch.

“What are you doing?” I ask seeing her completely sprawled out on my couch.

“I’m getting ready to watch a movie…” She says tucking a blanket around her body.

“Oh…all right. Well have a good night.” I said before turning on my heels to head upstairs.

“You can join me, you know?” She says while lifting her feet up and opening the blanket.

I jump down on the couch and practically tear the covers away from her. We both get comfortable as the opening scene starts to play across the TV.

“Alyssa?” I asked.

“Hmm?” She answers but never turns her attention away from the movie.

“Have you told Ryan you’re out here yet?”

She lets out a breath of air before answering. Her face is clearly displaying a distressed look over this topic. “Yeah…I talked to him earlier. He’s not very happy that I just left without telling him. I don’t know…part of me wants to care, but I just don’t. Is that wrong of me?”

I don’t really know what to say…I’m trying to just be a neutral party but I fucking hate that guy. “I don’t really know…it’s not like you’re out here just to have fun. I mean you’re here to be with our daughter.”

“Exactly.” She says as she slaps her arms down next to her. “Besides he’s always the one who’s away on business. Why can’t I have some time for myself too?” I nod my head and let her continue venting. “Honestly Justin…I really don’t even want to talk about it because it’ll just get me upset and it’s not worth it. All that matters is that I’m here now and having a great time with you and Cadence.”

With that the subject of Ryan was dropped and we both cuddled into the opposite sides of the couch to enjoy the movie. This trip has definitely solidified a growing friendship with Alyssa again. She’s not only the mother of my baby girl…she’s a friend.

________________________________________________________________________

Have you ever woken up the next morning and you know before you even move that you’re sore? I guess falling asleep curled up on the couch with another body smashed up against you will do that. The sun is shining brightly through the curtains and it’s cascaded throughout the room and taken over the couch. Alyssa is still sleeping peacefully next to me and I wiggle my way out from the makeshift bed.

I run my hands through my hair as I climb the stairs to get our little bundle from her crib. Gently, I open the door and she’s laying there peacefully playing again with her stuffed animal.

“Hey beautiful…want to go wake mommy?” I ask as I pick her up and take her in my arms. The two of us happily bound back down the stairs to a sleeping Alyssa.

Gently, I place Cadence on top of Alyssa’s stomach and hold her their carefully. I swipe a piece of hair that’s fallen from Alyssa’s ponytail away from her eyes and she starts to stir. Softly her eyes flutter open and she immediately sees her baby’s smiling face. Alyssa sits up and takes Cadence in her arms and giving her a million kisses. The squeal that escapes Cadence’s mouth makes my heart melt.

“How’d my little girl sleep?” Alyssa asks.

“She was out like a light. When I went to get her this morning she was just laying their quietly playing with her toys.”

“Good at least someone slept well. That is the last time I ever sleep on this couch Justin. It’s comfortable to a point but now I feel like I was laying on concrete for most of the night.”

“That makes two of us.” Alyssa looks at me with her eyebrows raised. “I fell asleep watching the movie too and didn’t wake up till a little bit ago. Trust me…I feel like I get hit by a truck which isn’t good for rehearsals today…”

“Rehearsals?” She looks at me with a dumb found expression and my mouth immediately snaps shut. Shit…I haven’t told her about the tour yet and that was definitely not how I wanted it to come out.

“Umm…yeah…you see…” I stuttered and fidgeted underneath Alyssa’s stare. She has this completely clueless expression on her face and she’s coddling Cadence closer to her body.

“What rehearsals Justin?” She repeats.

I let out a rush of air that I didn’t even know I was holding and prepare myself for the backlash. “Rehearsals for my tour…”

Alyssa nods her head slowly displaying no emotion and I’m freaking out inside. “When are you going on tour?” She says with a steady voice.

“In three weeks…” I respond with my head down. I am such an asshole. I should’ve fucking told her sooner wasn’t I just talking about second chances too.

“Oh…” She says with no emotion laced through her words. She just stands up and walks into the kitchen with Cadence cradled close to her body.

I follow behind her silently cursing myself for not being upfront with Alyssa from the beginning. When I enter the kitchen she’s pulling eggs from the refrigerator and preparing to make some breakfast for everyone. Her body is turned away from me and her shoulders are slumped forward.

“Alyssa…” I start to say and she doesn’t even acknowledge my words, just continues to prepare the food.

I can feel the anger rising slightly in my stomach and I’m trying hard to push it away. I don’t want to fight with her and I especially don’t want to fight with Cadence in the middle of it. I take a moment to gather myself before getting closer to Alyssa so I can see her face.

“Alyssa…I’m sorry I should’ve told you sooner.”

Alyssa drops the spatula in her hand and turns to face me. “Why didn’t you Justin? Were you just going to go on tour in three weeks and hope I didn’t find out about it? I mean seriously…there’s a little girl involved now. Neither of us can be selfish and hide these things.”

I nod my head agreeing completely with her. I fucked up this time. “I don’t know Alyssa…I’ve just been so happy having Cadence with me that I wasn’t ready to just give her back and not see her for months.”

Alyssa’s expression softens slightly and she starts to hand Cadence over to me. I willingly take my little girl in my arms and pull her into me. “Justin…you don’t have to go the entire tour and not spend time with her. In fact, that’s exactly what I don’t want to happen. She’s our daughter and I want you to be able to see her and be with her whenever you want too. But if you don’t tell me about these things we can’t work anything out.”

“I know…I just…I screwed up Alyssa. I’m sorry…”

A small smile spreads across her face and now I’m the one who’s clueless. I thought for sure we were going to have it out and just like that she’s ok with everything. “Why are you smiling?” I ask completely dumbfounded.

“Because you thought I was going to flip out on you. I think its fun to switch it up on you…” She says as she starts to laugh.

I turn to look at Cadence who’s smiling up at me with her big blue eyes. “Mommy thinks it’s funny to mess with Daddy…” I say to Cadence before grabbing an egg out of the carton. Alyssa looks at me with wide eyes and starts to back away from us.

“Justin what are you doing?”

“Nothing…” I said with a touch of mischief in my eyes. Just then my front door opens and my mom walks through it. Immediately, I hand Cadence over to her and dart after Alyssa. She’s already ten steps ahead of me and up the stairs. She’s closing the door to my bedroom when I jump in front of it and push it open. Alyssa’s laughing hysterically and I take the egg that is secured in my hand and crush it over her head. The gooey mess runs down her hair and on her face. Now I am the one who is laughing hysterically at Alyssa’s expression.

“You’re going to pay for that Timberlake…”

“I look forward to it Powell.” I said with a wink.

Life has a funny way of throwing curve balls when you least expect it. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be the father of the most beautiful little girl in the world. I suppose I’m biased because she’s my daughter but I’m entitled to that right. Not only do I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl but her mother is an incredible woman. Bringing Alyssa out to California was one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. This trip has really given us the opportunity to re-build our friendship and I’d do anything for those two. They have quickly become my life. I never realized how much having Alyssa around made raising our daughter an even more enjoyable experience. Together we could rejoice and cry in her development. There was nothing quite like the bond we shared through Cadence.

My rehearsal schedule has continued to increase as the tour quickly approaches. Even though it has severely limited my time with Cadence, Alyssa has been great making sure to stop by every day with her. It’s the one point in the day that I truly look forward to. Johnny has been popping in every so often to check up on the tour and make sure we’re still on schedule. He’s being extremely accommodating when it comes to time with Cadence and I owe him a huge thank you when this is all said and done with.

Alyssa should be stopping by any minute with Cadence and I can’t wait to see my little girl. It’s really taken these past couple of weeks with Alyssa to realize how lucky I am. Honestly, I couldn’t have ever asked for a better mother for my child. Despite our rocky history we’ve managed to work through it and actually build a life for our daughter. Alyssa understands my schedule and she does everything in her power to accommodate spending time with Cadence and rehearsal time. She knows that whenever I have time I want to be with my daughter and she’s willing to do whatever it takes to see that it happens.

“Justin…” A voice calls out as the door whips open and my eyes meet a frustrated Alyssa and a crying Cadence.

I rush over to her side quickly and grab Cadence from Alyssa’s arms. “What’s wrong?” I ask as concern and worry rush through my body.

“I have no idea. She just keeps crying and fussing. I’m ready to scream.” Alyssa says frustrated and throws her bags down next to a chair before throwing her body down into it. She runs her hands through her hair and lets out an exasperated sigh.

I look at Cadence and brush my hand over her head. “What’s wrong with my little girl?” I ask softly as she continues to cry and wiggle in my arms. Immediately I reach into the bag and pull out a pacifier. I gently slip it into her mouth but Cadence spits it right back out. Clearly that wasn’t the problem.

“When did you feed her last?” I ask Alyssa but she just looks up at me with a death glare. “Ok…so she’s not hungry…” I stammered. Yikes, that is a look I never want to see again. Alyssa has covered all the bases when it comes to what usually bothers Cadence and neither of us can figure out what is wrong. Suddenly, it hits me and I take my little girl down the hallway of the studio. I pass a few bystanders and they smile in my direction but I continue to walk towards the recording booths trying not to draw too much attention. Finally, I reach my destination and I open the doors to the small room. Inside, it was lit by only a few lamps and my eyes land on the piano tucked into the corner. I pull up the bench and securely position Cadence on my lap while my hands are drawn towards the keys. Softly, I begin to let my hands dance across the piano, playing the notes to my daughter’s favorite bedtime song. Cadence continues to fuss in my lap until I open my mouth and the words come flowing out.

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's
daddy's little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.

After finishing the first verse Cadence has finally calmed down and is starring up at me with her big blue eyes. That look and those eyes literally melt my heart.

“Feeling better?” I ask Cadence but know full well that she can’t answer me. She just smiles up at me and enthusiastically wobbles her little body around. I wrap my arms around her and start to stand up. “I think we should go find mommy. She looked a little upset with you…” I mumble and start to turn around not expecting to find Alyssa standing in the doorway.

Her eyes are full with tears and she has a small smile playing across her lips. “That was beautiful Justin…” She said tenderly.

I didn’t have a clue anyone was around and I feel a blush creep into my cheeks. “I didn’t think you followed…”

“I was on the verge of breaking down until you took her and I didn’t want to just throw her to you. So I came to check on both of you. I certainly wasn’t expecting what I found but it was sweet. You’re such a wonderful father Justin.” Alyssa said honestly.

The blush has now fully taken over my face and I don’t really know where that came from. We’ve talked a lot about raising Cadence. So why am I blushing?

“I should probably head back towards the dance studio. They’re probably wondering where I took off to.” I said carrying Cadence on my hip and letting my other hand fall to the small of Alyssa’s back as we walked out of the recording studio. The minute my hand made contact with her back I felt something weird flow through me and I retracted my hand almost as quickly as it came.

Once inside the dance studio the rehersal continued on while Alyssa and Cadence watched from the corner. The dancers and I ran through the whole show over and over again making sure to get every cue down pat before nearly collapsing on the floor in exhaustion. How in the hell am I going to do this for four months? I sit up from my laying position on the floor and turn to look at Cadence sleeping in Alyssa’s arms. She smiles softly at me before turning her attention back to our little girl. More importantly, how am I going to make it through the tour without those two?

The doors to the dance studio burst open and Johnny appears with his cell phone attached to his ear. “Yeah…mmhhmm…we’ll be there…talk to you later.” He said before throwing his phone in his pocket and walking towards me.

“By the look on your face…I’d say we’re coming along just great.”

“You know it man…” I said while standing up and shaking his hand. Johnny’s been my manager for so long but no matter what I always shake his hand. I guess it’s the southern gentleman in me.

“Listen…tonight is the tour launch party at Jive. It starts at 9 so make sure you’re there and on time. This is really important Justin. A bunch of sponsors will be there and I know how you love to kiss their ass.” Johnny joked and I roll my eyes. “There won’t be any media so feel free to bring whomever you want.”

Instantly, my eyes travel towards Alyssa as she tenderly watches our baby sleep. I know exactly what is running through her head at that moment…I couldn’t even tell you how many times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and watched Cadence sleep. It’s something that ever parent should do. I turn my attention back to Johnny as he continues to talk about the tour and I try my best to listen. Right now I want nothing more than to take my little girl and Alyssa back home. I’m tired and I’m sure they’re ready to get out of this place too.

“All right well I’ll be ready by nine…don’t worry Johnny.” I said calling over my shoulder as I approached Alyssa.

“Ready to go?” I asked while throwing Cadence’s bags over my shoulder and letting out a small grunt when the bag connects with my sore muscles. Alyssa still tends to overpack whenever she goes out but I guess it’s a motherly thing to do.

“Definitely…” She says while craddling Cadence in her arms and the three of us walk out of the building with one destination in mind…home.

________________________________________________________________________

After putting Cadence to bed earlier, I was finally getting ready to go the the JIVE tour launch party. Alyssa was busy packing some of her belongings because she would be leaving for North Carolina soon with Cadence in tow. I didn’t know how I was going to handle being that far away from my daughter but Alyssa assured me whenever I needed to see her, to call and they’d be there in a heartbeat. That was the only thing keeping me going with this tour.

All of a sudden an idea popped into my head and I practically ran out of my bedroom down towards Alyssa’s room. I knocked rapidly on the door before throwing it open.

“Jesus Justin…you scared the crap out of me. What’s wrong?” She asks startledly.

“Nothing’s wrong…will you come to the JIVE tour launch party with me?” I blurt out.

Alyssa looks at me skeptically before answering. “I have to watch Cadence while you’re gone Justin remember?”

I shake my head no. “I’ll call my mom to come babysit. Come on please Alyssa…it’ll be fun for the two of us to just get out and have fun. I love spending time with Cadence but we’ve never really gotten much time to hang out with each other.”

Alyssa is now looking at me with this completely dumbfounded expression. I guess I’m catching her a little off guard but I’m an impulsive person and I thought it’d be fun for us to get out. “Please Alyssa…”

Her eyes travel over my face and land on my pout. A tender smile crosses her lips before she spoke. “I have nothing to wear Justin…”

“Yes you do…wear that black dress you brought with. That’ll be perfect.” I said before giving her a hug and darting back out the room to call my mom. I have no idea where this need to spend time with Alyssa came from and I’m trying not to over analyze this situation. I’m just going with my gut instinct and it’s telling me to be with her tonight. Besides, when do we ever get Justin and Alyssa time? And why am I talking about us like we’re a couple? She’s getting married soon and I don’t look at her like that anymore…right?

I straighten my tie one more time and smooth my clothes against my body again. I’ve been locked in my bedroom preparing for the JIVE party ever since inviting Alyssa along. Honestly, I have no idea why I’m freaking out inside or even why I invited her. I was planning on spending most of the night schmoozing the sponsors and thinking about the tour but now that Alyssa’s coming with I can’t even get my head right.

I pull at my jacket and reposition my pants over my shoes before giving myself another once over in the mirror. Slowly, I open the door and head down stairs to wait for Alyssa. My mom starts whistling the minute she sees me coming down that stairs and my eyes start to roll at her antics.

“Justin…you look very handsome.” She says in that motherly tone.

“Thanks mom for coming over on short notice.” I said giving her a kiss on the cheek before I walk into the kitchen.

“No problem honey. What do you have planned for Alyssa?”

“I don’t have anything planned…I don’t even really know why I asked her to come along. It’s just going to be a lot of talk about the tour...she’ll probably be bored.” I said while shrugging my shoulders.

“I doubt I’ll be bored.” Alyssa chimes in as she rounds the corner into the kitchen.

If my eyes could pop out of my skull they would. She’s wearing a black strapless dress that comes to an end mid-thigh and black heels adorning her feet. Her hair is curled all around her face highlighting the slight bit of make-up she has on. She looks absolutely beautiful and I’m finding it harder and harder to breathe.

“You ready to go?” Alyssa asks.

I can’t even understand what she’s saying because my eyes are taking her all in. From her toes all the way up her legs, to her flat stomach, her breasts that are secured into her dress and peaking over the top, up to her long neck…”

“Justin!” She yells breaking into my thoughts and snapping her fingers in front of my face.

I shake my head and feel the blush taking over my face. She just caught me checking her out.

“I said…are you ready to go?”

“Umm…yeah…yeah, let’s go.” I said walking past her towards the door.

“Mrs. Harless thank you again for coming to watch Cadence.” Alyssa says as she stops to say goodbye to my mom.

“No problem dear. You two have fun…”

“There are extra bottles in the fridge…just warm them up. Her favorite blanket, pacifier and stuffed animal are on her dresser in the nursery. I have my cell phone on if you need me.” Alyssa starts to rattle off.

I come up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist pulling her towards the door. “She’s a mother you know…Cadence will be fine.”

Alyssa blushes slightly before turning to wave goodbye to my mom. “Thank you again…”

“Have fun.” My mom yells before I shut the door with Alyssa in tow.

________________________________________________________________________

The ride over to Johnny’s place was filled with small talk. Alyssa was constantly fidgeting in the passenger seat and I know being away from Cadence was making her nervous. She trusted me with Cadence but she hasn’t ever left her with anyone else. I guess it’s a mother thing or so she says.

“Who’s all going to be here Justin?” Alyssa says smoothing her dress down as we walk towards Johnny’s door.

I turned to smile at her. “Basically every important person for this tour and my career.” Alyssa’s face practically drains of all color and she looks like she might run away any minute. “Kidding…well sort of…Johnny will be here, Trace, all the sponsors for the tour, and some of the record executives. Just stick near me and you’ll be fine or you can always hang out with Trace.”

She nods slightly and I give her hand a tug. “Don’t worry…you look beautiful and they’re all going to wonder how I got so lucky to have you on my arm.”

Alyssa smiles softly and wraps her hand securely in mine before we open the door and head into the jungle of power people. I’m trying to suppress my nerves because I know these people can make or break my career and I’m trying to stay in control for Alyssa. But this night is really important for a successful tour. These people need to be on my side otherwise they can make my life a living hell.

“Justin…I see you brought Alyssa. You look great. Come on in.” Johnny says while shaking my hand and giving Alyssa a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for having me Johnny.” Alyssa says politely.

“My pleasure…there’s drinks and food over there. Please help yourself. Justin…Rob from Verizon wants to meet with you.”

I nod my head before turning to Alyssa. “I’ll be right back…I just need to go say hello and all that fun stuff.”

Alyssa wiggles her eyebrows up and down. “Have fun…” She says before giving me a quick kiss on the cheek and heading off in the direction of the bar.

I am completely shocked and feel like I’m in a daze when she brought her lips to my cheek. I can still feel the slight pressure and her smell…god, how I missed that smell. What the hell is happening to me…snap out of it Timberlake. I take a deep breath and compose myself before going over to the big wigs and kissing some ass. It’s going to be one of those nights.

________________________________________________________________________

Didn’t I say it would be one of those nights?? Basically every single sponsor wanted me at their beckon call and that in turn made me a horrible date for Alyssa. I’ve gotten to spend maybe twenty minutes alone with her all night but that didn’t stop me from glancing in her direction every chance I could. I wanted to bring her along to spend some time just having fun, the two of us…but apparently this party was not the way to go about that.

Alyssa has been glued to Trace’s side the entire night and I’m thankful he was with to keep her company. The two of them seem to be getting along extremely well…she’s always laughing at his jokes and there’s a permanent smile on her face. I’m glad she’s having a good time…but at the same time I can feel a twinge of jealousy. I wanted to be the one making her laugh and smile tonight… not Trace. Before I can analyze these feelings anymore, I notice the party is finally coming to a close and I take that as my cue to go get Alyssa.

“Hey…are you ready to go?” I ask putting my hands on Alyssa’s shoulders.

She turns to look up at me from the couch and let’s a huge smile cross her face. “Are you sure you’re done kissing everyone’s ass?” She whispers.

I roll my eyes. “Cute…”

Alyssa stands up from the couch and straightens her dress out before walking over to my side. “Just checking…” She laughs and wraps her arm around my waist.

“Thanks Trace for keeping her company.” I said while looking in his direction.

“No problem man. Alyssa it was nice to get to know you better. Have fun with this one…I’ll catch you both later.” He says before getting up and walking in the opposite direction.

I wrap my arm around Alyssa’s waist and we walk arm in arm out of the party. Having the cool California air hit my face is refreshing. After being trapped in that room and listening to people go on and on about to tour…it’s exhausting. I’m just excited to have Alyssa by my side now and it’s finally just the two of us.

“I’m really sorry about tonight…I wanted to spend more time together…but the sponsors…”

Immediately, Alyssadraws her hand up to stop me. “Don’t apologize Justin…I understand…it’s a part of your job. Besides, I had fun talking to Trace and I really needed to get out of house.”

“Well…I don’t know about you…but I’m not really all that tired. Do you want to watch a movie when we get home?”

Alyssa stifles a yawn and smiles over at me. “I can’t promise you I’ll stay awake…but I’d like that.”

The rest of the ride back to the house seemed to fly by. We talked a lot about the tour but steered clear of any discussion about Cadence visiting. I wasn’t ready to give up my daughter for months but what choice did I really have? I couldn’t really ask Alyssa, whose about to get married to a guy I can’t stand, to drop everything and come on tour with me. Nah…definitely not a possibility.

“My mom’s probably in one of the guest bedrooms sleeping…do you want to watch the movie downstairs or…?” I ask while opening the door to my house for her.

“Let’s watch it in your room…I want to be near Cadence and lying down in a bed definitely sounds better.”

“All right…I’ll go grab the movie, if you want to check on Cadence…” I said before Alyssa headed up stairs towards the nursery.

After selecting a movie, I climbed up the stairs to find Alyssa already in a pair of pajamas looking down at our sleeping baby. Alyssa turns to look at me when I open the door and she immediately draws her finger to her lips, shushing me before walking out of the room and closing the door behind.

“What are we watching?” She asks as she follows me into my room.

“I just grabbed the Bourne Identity…is that ok?”

Alyssa yawns and quickly covers her mouth with her hand. “Sorry…yeah that’ll be good…”

Alyssa gets underneath the covers and snuggles into the pillow. After changing into a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt, I slide the DVD in and crawl into bed next to her. In my head, I know we probably shouldn’t be sharing the same bed…considering she’s engaged, but fuck my conscious tonight. We’re both tired and all we’re going to do is watch a movie anyways. Besides, I wanted to have some alone time and damnit I was going to get it.

“Justin…” Alyssa calls out while snuggling up next to me.

“Yeah?”

“What are we going to do about your tour…and Cadence?”

I let out a sigh and wrap my arm around her side, pulling her closer. “I don’t know Alyssa…I really don’t.”

And with that, the topic was dropped and it was only a matter of minutes before both of us are sleeping soundly, while the action scenes of the Bourne Identity illuminate my bedroom. I guess I finally got my alone time…

T-minus two days until I am officially on tour again and T-minus 1 day until Alyssa leaves with Cadence in tow. I’d just like to take a moment to point out how much this situation truly sucks….ok, moving on.

Alyssa, Cadence and I have spent every waking moment together as a family over these past couple of weeks and I’ve grown so accustomed to this lifestyle. I love being a father…there’s nothing in this world that makes me happier than being a dad. I can’t even imagine my life before Cadence and I never would want to go back to that. Honestly, I have no idea how I’m going to tour without my baby girl by my side.

“Justin…are you ready to go?” Alyssa calls up the stairs breaking me from my thoughts.

I jump off the bed and give myself a quick once over in the mirror. My jeans are hanging low on my hips and my plain white t-shirt lies loosely over my body. I throw my sunglasses and hat on to cover my distressed face, I can try and act like nothing’s wrong but my eyes clearly tell a different story. I make my way out of my bedroom into Cadence’s nursery and gently lift her out of the crib. Thankfully, I didn’t wake her and she wiggles slightly in my arms before falling back to sleep. The three of us are going to go to a park and just enjoy our last day outside, having fun as a family.

“Morning Lyssa…” I greet as I walk into the living room with our baby girl wrapped in my arms.

“Morning to the both of you…” Alyssa says happily before kissing both Cadence and I on the cheek.

God, how I’m going to miss having both of them around all the time. I never imagined life would fall into an easy routine, one that I look forward to, with Alyssa. I never thought we’d get as close as we have when she first came out to California. She’s the mother of my daughter and whenever I look at her…I see our baby girl, our family, my life…I am completely in way over my head here.

“Ready to go?” I said picking up one of Cadence’s blankets and throwing it over my shoulder. Alyssa quickly grabs Cadence’s diaper bag before giving me a wink and following me out the door. I might dread tomorrow but today I am going to enjoy being with my family.

We decided to drive a little further away to a secluded park in hopes of eluding the paparazzi. We’ve been lucky protecting Cadence from the backlash my life can cause. There’s been speculation about my daughter but no one has gotten any pictures and I’m extremely thankful. It’s not that I’m hiding her but I know how crazy people can get and Alyssa, Cadence nor I need to deal with that. It’s in these moments I wish I was just a regular guy.

Finally, we arrived at the park and unloaded my black escalade. Alyssa unbuckled Cadence from her car seat while I gathered the blankets, food and bags full of stuff. We set up shop underneath a great big oak tree and relaxed on the blanket enjoying the cool summer breeze.

“Wow, it’s gorgeous outside…” Alyssa states while repositioning Cadence to sit up in-between her legs.

“I think it helps that I have two of the most beautiful girls with me.” I said while making a goofy face at my daughter.

“I’d have to disagree…I think we’re the lucky ones to have the most wonderful daddy here…” Alyssa grins before starring off at a young couple playing with their son.

“Do you think we’ll be like that when Cadence gets older?” Alyssa asks and I turn to look at them chasing their son and laughing loudly.

“I hope so…”

“Me too…” Alyssa responds with a dreamy tone to her voice.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask.

“I couldn’t even begin to explain where my head is at Justin…”

I reach my hand out and grip Alyssa’s before releasing it again. “Talk to me…”

“I’m just nervous for you, for us, for Cadence. I can’t believe your tour starts in two days and we’re going to be on the other side of the coast again.” She sighs and tightens her grip on a smiling Cadence.

Seeing my daughter smiling nearly breaks my heart in two. She’s beautiful and the most important thing to me, so why am I giving her up for a tour?

“What does Ryan think about all this?” I ask knowing this is touchy subject between us. I still despise that guy and Alyssa tries her best to defend him. I can barely stomach the thought of him being Cadence’s stepfather…she doesn’t need one. She has me and Alyssa…we don’t need Ryan.

“He wants me to come home and get married.”

“What do you want?” I ask swallowing the lump in my throat. If she says she’s ready to marry this guy, I might freak out. I’ve never even considered being with Alyssa in any way, since the whole mess with Cadence in the beginning…but since she got out here, I can’t imagine not being with her. I don’t want to split custody of Cadence and have to ask for permission to be with my daughter, I don’t want another man getting her ready for school, kissing her goodnight, grilling her first real date…I want to be that man and I want to have Alyssa by side to witness it all. It was then that it hit me…I didn’t want Alyssa to marry Ryan because I wanted to be with her. I wanted us to be a family.

“He’s always been there for me Justin and he’s good with Cadence…I’m not saying you aren’t or that I’m replacing you with Ryan but he just fits in my life. I’m comfortable with him…I don’t know Justin…I’m really trying to figure out everything right now and it’s hard. I want to do what’s right for Cadence, for you and for me, sometimes they all don’t mesh.”

I sigh and try my best to focus my attention on Cadence rather than Alyssa. Listening to her talk about Ryan makes me nauseous. I reach for Cadence and pull her onto my lap. She giggles when she looks up at me and I tenderly bend my head and place a kiss on her forehead.

“You’re a great father Justin…you know that right?” Alyssa says breaking my moment with Cadence.

I smile softly before turning my attention back to my little girl. I don’t know what to say or what to do anymore. My world is starting to crumble around me and I feel like I’m trying desperately to hold onto this. Come tomorrow, I will be a mess.

________________________________________________________________________

Waking up this morning was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I know that I have to drive Alyssa and Cadence to the airport, to fly back to North Carolina and out of my life for months. My heart feels like it’s breaking in two.

I sneak into Cadence’s nursery and sit down on the rocker overlooking her crib. She’s sleeping peacefully and I just watch the steady rise and fall of her small chest. She’s so vulnerable, so tiny. I take a deep breath and slink my finger into her small hand. She squeezes gently and I can feel my heart jump and the tears rush to my eyes. How will I make it through each day, each performance without her smiling face?

“Hey…what are you doing?” Alyssa whispers as she walks into the nursery and puts her hand on my shoulder.

“Just saying goodbye…” I say softly, trying to suppress the tears that are threatening to fall.

Alyssa kneels in front of me and puts her hands on either side of my face. “She loves you Justin…remember that.”

“I know…I’m just going to miss seeing her everyday…miss seeing her grow-up.”

“I promise we’ll come visit as soon as possible. I just need to get back to North Carolina, back to Ryan and my life there.”

I sigh at the mention of Ryan’s name and stand up. “We should probably get going if you’re going to catch your flight...” I said before walking out of the room. I needed to get away from her. My emotions feel like they’re on the edge and ready to spill over at any moment. I’m seriously a walking disaster.

About an hour later, the three of us are walking quietly through the terminal en route to their plane. Cadence is tightly wrapped in my arms and I feel like I’m holding on for dear life. First, I didn’t even know my daughter existed and then I get to spend a month being there for everyday, every laugh and every smile. Now, I’m sending her off again…it feels like my heart is slowly being ripped out of my chest.

We slow our pace as we approach their gate and stay towards the back of the crowd. Alyssa decides to check in with the flight attendants and gives me a moment alone with Cadence.

I bow my head and nuzzle my face into her neck. She smells like baby powder and laundry detergent and it brings a smile to my face.

“Daddy loves you…I’m always going to be here for you. I promise I’ll see you soon…beg mommy to bring you out to see me. You’ll always be daddy’s little girl, Cadence Taylor. I love you…” I gently kiss her on the cheek over and over again.

Alyssa walks up to us and wraps her arm around my waist. “We have to go Justin…”

I nod my head solemnly before kissing Cadence once more. I hand her gently to Alyssa and I can feel the tears fall from my eyes. Thank God for my sunglasses right now.

Alyssa wipes the tears away from my face before gently placing a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll miss you Justin…we love you, always remember that.”

I wrap Alyssa and Cadence both in my arms for one last hug. One last goodbye…

________________________________________________________________________

Well…my tour has officially started and I have my first show tonight in Los Angeles. Normally, I’d be scared out of my mind for the first show but tonight I’m eerily calm or maybe numb would be a better word. Alyssa and Cadence left yesterday and words can’t even describe the pain in my heart. I’m a mess without them.

“Justin…how was sound check?” Johnny asks while walking into my dressing room.

I look up from my computer where Alyssa has just e-mailed me a bunch of pictures of Cadence playing in the ocean. “Fine.” I answer before turning my attention back to the pictures.

“Is that Cadence?”

“Yeah…Alyssa just sent me these. They were taken this morning…”

“She’s beautiful Justin…”

“Thank you…” I said before closing my computer. “What’d you need Johnny?”

He smiles sheepishly before continuing. Johnny rarely bothers me before a show unless it’s something important. “I was just wondering about the song you added to the end of the concert.”

I nod my head and stretch my hands above my head. The show starts in less than 45 minutes and now he wants to talk about the lineup. “I added it yesterday, no one has ever heard me do a song like that before and I guess it’s just fitting right now for me. If it doesn’t go over well tonight…I’ll take it out. But just trust me…”

“I do Justin…just know you’ll create some controversy with it. People will want to know what’s up, what’s wrong…”

“I don’t really care what people think…I need to do this Johnny.”

“I understand…I’ll back you one hundred percent man, all right. Good luck tonight!” He says before giving me a quick hug and disappearing out the door. I let out a breath of air and wish Alyssa and Cadence were here to see this show…I wish the two most important people were behind me right now. I throw my iPod on and get ready to be Justin Timberlake the performer, not the dad tonight.

________________________________________________________________________

I step out onto the stage with a bottle of water in one hand and towel in the other. The crowd erupts into ear piercing shrieks and I sit down on wooden stool in the middle of the stage. I take a minute to look around at my surroundings and thank God for all of these blessings when it comes to my career.

“How are you all doing?” I ask into the microphone and if it was even possible the screams get louder.

“I wanted to take a minute to just thank you all for coming out tonight and supporting me throughout this journey. I love you all!” I say while wipping my face with the towel.

A stage hand walks up with my guitar and hands it over to me. I take the instrument in my hands and wrap the strap around my shoulders. I settle back into my seat and bring the microphone to my mouth.

“Do you guys care if I do one more song?” I ask and the cheers shake the building.

“This song means a lot to me and it’s by one of my favorite bands. I hope you like it…” I say before snapping the mic into its stand and bringing the pick to the guitar strings. I let the music and the lyrics take me into a place that’s become home for me lately, ever since Cadence and Alyssa left.


Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles because
My words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it wash away
Cause I can't take anymore of this
I want to come apart.
Or dig myself a little hole inside your precious heart

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide
Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause its always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said.


I strum the last key and the crowd erupts into applause. I bow my head, hiding the tears that have sprung to my eyes, just as the lights go dark in the arena. I miss my little girl so much it’s breaking me apart…

The sun is shining brightly through the curtains and the steady rocking of my tour bus jars me from my sleep. It’s been almost a month of constant traveling, press and concerts; I’ve never felt more drained in my life. I pull back the covers on my bed and let my feet fall to the floor. Pushing myself out of bed, I walk down the hall into the living room and sink into the couch.

“Morning James…”

“Morning sir…how’d you sleep?” My bus driver asks while briefly looking over his shoulder at me.

“Ahh…all right. Where are we at?” I ask stretching out on the cushions.

“We’re about an hour outside of Minneapolis.”

“Cool…I’m just glad to have a couple nights off after the show. I need a break…” I respond while flipping through the TV channels.

“I bet…how’s little miss Cadence doing?” Most of the tour crew knows about my daughter. I couldn’t really hide it from James, hell I have a thousand pictures of Cadence all over the bus.

I smile thinking about my baby. “She’s growing up so fast…Alyssa called to tell me that Cadence can hold herself up without toppling over right away now.” I let out a sigh before continuing. “I miss her like crazy man…”

James looks back at me through a mirror before throwing his two cents in. “You’ll miss her when she’s thirty years old and has her own life. No matter how old they get…you’ll always look at her as your baby girl. Enjoy being a father Justin, there’s nothing more rewarding or enjoyable than raising children.”

I nod my head in understanding before turning my attention towards the TV. Suddenly, a loud ring breaks my trance and I grab my cell phone from the table.

“Hello?”

“Hey Justin…how are you doing?” Alyssa greets on the phone.

“I’m tired…just got up a little bit ago.”

“Where are you at?”

I look out the window at the cars whizzing by and start to recognize the city coming into view. “Minneapolis.”

“Cool…”

“How’s Cadence doing?” I ask as I feel a tug on my heart. I hate having to hear about my daughter over the phone. I just want to be there, see her, touch her, hold her, and sing to her…I just want to be the father I know I can be.

“She’s good…she’s really getting bigger and she’s discovered the art of smiling. Every time I look at her she’s got this goofy grin on her face.”

“I wish I could see it…”

“We all do…but we understand Justin. How’s the tour going?”

“It’s going well. I’ve gotten some great reviews and the fans seem to be enjoying everything. I just can’t wait for you and Cadence to come see me next week.”

“Yeah about that Justin. That’s part of the reason I’m calling…I got suckered into helping one of the new girls with a party at the hotel and it happens to be next week. So I can’t make it out there now…”

I can feel my heart drop into my stomach. The only reason I make it through each day, each show is knowing my little girl will be here soon. How could she do this to me?

“Alyssa…” I start and she interrupts me.

“I know Justin…I know. I feel horrible about it but there’s nothing I can do. I still have a job to do. What about the following week? What does your schedule look like?”

I close my eyes and try my best to keep my voice under control. I know it’s not her fault but give me a break. I’ve been on tour for almost a month; I’ve been in a different city practically every night. I don’t know what it’s like to get a “good nights sleep” anymore and the only thing I ever want to do anymore is spend time with my family.

“I’ll be in Chicago and then over to Detroit.”

“Oh ok.”

I can feel the anger rising in my stomach and I’m about to snap. “Whatever Alyssa…”

“Don’t be like this Justin…” She scolds.

“Don’t tell me how to be…you’re not the one in this situation Alyssa. You have no idea what it’s like to be separated from the two most important people in your life. I haven’t seen you or Cadence for almost a month and it’s practically tearing me apart.”

“You don’t think this is hard for me or for Cadence?” She asks with a hint of frustration lacing her words. “We’re both miserable without you. Cadence practically cries herself to sleep every night. No matter what I do, it’s not enough to calm her. She got so used to you singing to her every night; she can’t fall asleep any other way. I, on the other hand, miss having you around to just be my comfort, to support me. We’re all trying in this situation Justin. It’s not the most ideal circumstances to be under. Cut me some slack please…”

I let out a sigh and close my eyes tight. I know I’m not making it easy on her and it’s not her fault. “I’m sorry Alyssa…I’m just upset and I miss you both…but I understand.”

“We miss you too…listen I have to get going. I’m sorry again Justin but I promise we’ll get out there soon.” A second later the line went dead, along with my heart.

I’m completely lost without those two…

________________________________________________________________________

We arrived at the Xcel Energy Center almost three hours ago and I’ve been holed up in the weight room burning off some energy. My heart feels like it’s been thrown into the middle of a tornado and let’s not even get started about my head. I can’t seem to focus or concentrate until it’s time to get on stage. I made a vow a long time ago to give my best performance each and every night for my fans. Without them, I would be no where in the music industry and no matter what my personal life is like; I need to put it aside for the two hours I’m on stage. Hence the reason I’m at the gym. I’m trying to burn off my pent up frustrations from earlier in order to get my head right.

I take my time exhaling as I finish off my last set with the dumbbells. I place them securely in their rack before grabbing a towel and wiping the sweat from my face. I take a minute to really look at myself in the mirror. My cheeks have hallowed out some and my complexion has paled. My eyes don’t carry their normal sparkle and the darks circles have practically taken over my face. I’ve lost weight and my clothes hang loosely on my body. Clearly, I don’t look well but I force myself to keep going because that’s what I’ve trained all these years for.

Finally leaving the gym, I head back towards my dressing room for a quick shower. The show starts in an hour and I need to rejuvenate myself somehow. After rinsing myself from the sweat, the tears and the frustration I’ve been feeling, I’m finally getting ready for the show. I secure my headset to my jeans and wrap the ear pieces around my neck.

Quickly, I reach for my cell phone and dial Alyssa’s number. This has become our tradition lately, before each show I call and get well wishes from both Alyssa and Cadence. It’s the one thing that helps me get through each show. I’m doing this for them, just as much myself. I’m doing this all for my daughter. But instead of the normal hello, her phone immediately hits her voicemail. Confused, I hang up and try again but her voice spills into my ears spewing the same message.

“Hey it’s Alyssa, sorry I can’t get to my phone right now but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you.”

“Hey it’s Justin, I’m about to go on stage I was just calling to talk to you both quick. I don’t know why your phone is off but I hope everything’s all right and I’m sorry about earlier. I’m just tired and I miss you both like crazy…I know we’ll work something out. All right well they’re standing in my door telling me I have to go. I’ll call you as soon as I’m done. Miss you and love you both.”

I let out a sigh and close my phone before throwing it in my bag quick. I reposition my headset over my ears and rush out of my dressing room. Another night, another performance, another night of Justin Timberlake the star, not the dad.

________________________________________________________________________

It’s finally the last song of the night and I couldn’t be happier that the show is almost over. Tonight felt different while I was on stage. I felt like pairs of eyes were on me constantly but ones that were familiar. Clearly, I understand that the fans are there to watch me perform but there was something eerily familiar about this show.

I pull the wooden stool up that has become my sanctuary every night and sit down. Trying my best to shake these feelings I take a deep breath before picking up my guitar. This by far has to be my favorite part of the show. It’s the one time I let every one into what my life is really like as Justin Timberlake. This part of the show is completely me and all about my true feelings. Even if it evocates the emotions I’m trying to suppress. Prior to tonight, I’ve performed Staind’s “Epiphany” but I’ve decided to switch the song tonight.

The critics have gotten wind of this part of the show and even though I’ve caught a lot of attention for the song choice, it’s like therapy for me. I let my guard down and release all of my emotions in just three minutes.

“How’s everyone doing tonight?” I yell into the microphone and throw the guitar strap over my shoulder.

“Now I know some of you are expecting me to do a certain Staind song but I decided to change it tonight. Thank you all so much for coming out tonight, I hope you like it.” I say before lifting the pick to the guitar strings and prepare to pour my heart out for a bunch of strangers.

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me


My voice lingers in the microphone and the crowd erupts into cheers. I can feel my walls breaking down and I need to get off this stage. This last song always drains my emotions and I feel the tears pushing their way forward. I bow my head before anyone can notice and the lights go off in the arena. Quickly, I get out of the chair and down the stairs only to be whisked away by security.

I walk through the masses of people backstage all say congratulations on a great show but I barely recognize their voices. I’m in a daze and I’m numb. I need to just be alone. I need to re-group and get myself in check again.

I jog through the backstage and finally see the doorway to my dressing room. Heaven, Sanctuary…alone. Mike props himself next to the door and gives me a pat on the back before I open the door and step inside.

“Surprise…” A voice calls out to me and I draw my head up to see who the hell is in my dressing room.

I feel my chest tighten and the tears that were hovering in my eyes have started to fall down my cheeks. It can’t be. I take a step forward fully thinking the image would disappear but their smiles only get bigger.

“Alyssa? Cadence?”

My eyes begin to blink rapidly, trying desperately to see their images through the cloud of tears. I take another step forward and then another and before you know it I’m practically running across the room to my baby girl.

“What are you doing here?” I ask as I quickly grab Cadence from Alyssa’s arms and wrap my arms around her tiny body. I hold her as tight as I can and smother her forehead with kisses. Cadence begins to wiggle underneath my grasp and I pull back to see her bright blue eyes shining up at me.

Alyssa smiles brightly at the two of us before answering. “I couldn’t stand hearing how down you were so I thought a surprise was in order.” She finishes before lifting her hand and brushing a piece of hair away from her face.

Cadence continues to wiggle in my arms and lets out little squeals of laughter. I can already feel my heart surge with a love that I had so desperately been missing. I run my hand over the little amount of hair she has growing and I kiss the top of her head.

“God I’ve missed you…” I say while looking at my little girl. “And you too…come her and give me a hug.” I tell Alyssa while shifting Cadence to one hip and opening my other arm for Alyssa.

Alyssa snuggles in close to my side and I let my hand drop to her waist. This is how my life should always be with my daughter and my…well…I don’t really know the correct term for my relationship with Alyssa. I know that my feelings for her have definitely come back ever since spending time again in California together and I want us to be a real family.

But I haven’t totally breached the subject of Ryan again with Alyssa and I’m not really sure if right now is the best time, considering there is a sizeable diamond on her left hand that wasn’t previously there. I guess the wedding is still on and I can feel my stomach churn just thinking about it. I gently let Alyssa go after giving her one last squeeze.

“The show was great Justin…you were wonderful.” Alyssa exclaims.

“You saw the show?” I asked with a hint of confusion displayed across my face.

“Yeah…we flew in around five tonight and Mike arranged for another security guard to pick us up and make sure we got here on time. Mike came and got us after he took you to the stage and we got to watch the whole thing. The show was amazing and we’re both so proud of you.”

I smile broadly and feel my chest puff slightly. I’m thrilled they both were able to see the show; it makes what I’m doing even more personal for me.

“That’s why you didn’t answer your phone tonight?” I ask when it suddenly clicked in my head.

“Yeah…I didn’t want you to know I was anywhere near the Twin Cities…so did my surprise work?” Alyssa asks with a mischievous smile on my face.

I take a second to look at my daughter who’s completely leaning against my chest and her eyes are fluttering close. I guess the excitement has worn off and her breathing is getting deeper. I see her mouth gently open to let a small yawn escape. Her lips are in a complete pout and she looks totally at peace. I can feel my heart melting.

“Absolutely…” I say while throwing my bag over my arm, careful not to disturb my little angel before walking out of the dressing room with Alyssa in tow. A couple of hours ago I was sulking and missing these two that it practically consumed my entire being and now I couldn’t be any happier. Life is definitely a crazy ride.

________________________________________________________________________

After leaving the arena, I brought both Cadence and Alyssa back to my hotel in St. Paul. After checking Alyssa into her own room, I carried my sleeping baby back to my room and laid her softly on the bed. I changed her out of her dress and slipped her tiny legs and arms into a onesie before swaddling her into her favorite pink blanket. Almost immediately, she fell back asleep and I took a moment to just watch the gentle rise and fall of her chest.

There’s nothing in this world that compares to being a father. Not selling millions of albums, playing in different arenas each night, the fame or even the money. Seeing a little version of me…someone who has my eyes, her mother’s nose, my lips, thankfully Alyssa’s straight hair, she’s a little version of the two of us and it’s amazing. Words can’t even describe the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach watching her grow and experience things for the first time. I’m just in awe that I helped create my precious little girl.

I rub my hand gently over Cadence’s head when I hear a soft knock at the door. I stand up and open the door slowly to find Alyssa standing there in a pair of sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt. Her hair is wet from a shower and she has Cadence’s pacifier and teddy bear in her hand.

“Hi…” She says in a soft voice while peaking around me at Cadence lying on the bed. “She still asleep?”

“Yeah…come in.” I say while pulling the door back and allowing Alyssa room to walk inside.

“She must be exhausted from all of the traveling.” Alyssa says while gently sitting next to Cadence on the bed. She adjusts the blanket around Cadence’s body before finally looking up at me. “You must be tired too from your show and all…”

“I’m all right…would you mind if I take a shower…I mean now that you’re here to watch Cadence?” I ask as I shuffle through my bag in search of my lounge pants and a t-shirt.

“Not at all…go ahead.” Alyssa answers before reaching over and turning the TV on.

After retrieving my clothes, I head into the bathroom fully intending on enjoying this shower. I was really tired from the show and the emotional stress I’ve been under certainly hasn’t helped. I turn the water as hot as I can stand and let it fill the room with a thick steam. Looking in the mirror, I notice the dark circles under my eyes and the hollowness to my cheeks. I rub my hands over my face trying to erase that image, before stepping into the shower. The hot water droplets pelt my skin with a fierce thump and I can feel my body start to relax.

My thoughts immediately start to drift to Alyssa who’s sitting outside the room with our baby. Mine and Alyssa’s relationship has been anything but ordinary and it’s really starting to wear on me. I’m thrown into a situation where the only thing that matters to me is being a family and that hope is completely obsolete. I know I should respect her relationship with neighbor boy, err I mean Ryan. But I can’t help but know he’s not right for her. He’s a comfort and I’m clearly the unknown variable in all of this. She’s forever connected to me through Cadence and I think that scares her. That’s why she’s running to Ryan because she’s known him all of her life. He’s the surest thing, he’s predictable…no their relationship is predictable. No matter what happens there is an underlying friendship between them and why not marry a friend, right? I understand where she’s coming from because no one could’ve ever predicted we’d be put into a situation like this but at the same time you don’t see me running into the arms of a friend. I’m standing her completely open and with a huge sense of vulnerability just wanting to desperately try to make it work as a family.

I lean my head back into the water and feel it wash over my face, taking my thoughts away as well. I squeeze some soap into the washcloth before massaging it over my body. The cool feeling against my skin as it washes away all of the dirt and grime from earlier leaves me feeling refreshed. I start to feel my eyelids get heavy and I take that as a cue to shut the water off and get dressed.

After toweling off, I slip into my lounge pants and t-shirt before rejoining Alyssa and Cadence in the room. Alyssa looks away from the television when she hears the door click open. “Hey…how was your shower?”

“It was good…I definitely needed it…” I said before gently slipping onto the bed on the other side of Cadence. “She’s definitely tired…I don’t think she’s moved since I wrapped her into that blanket.”

Alyssa lets out a small giggle and I can feel a pull on my heartstrings. These moments where it’s just the three of us are something I hold near and dear to my heart. It’s also the few times where it feels like a family is growing but than reality quickly sets in and slaps me right across the face.

“I think we’re all a little tired Justin…” Alyssa softly chimes in.

“Understandable…how long are you two here for?” I ask while laying my hand softly on Cadence’s stomach.

“A week. When I first got the idea of coming out here I wanted to make sure you had some days off to spend with Cadence. I know it’s been hard the last month being away so I wanted to give you that father-daughter time.”

I look up and smile gently at Alyssa. “Thank you…for everything, for coming out here, for surprising me, but most importantly giving me Cadence. She’s the best thing in my life.”

Alyssa smiles before lying down on the other side of Cadence and facing towards me. If I could freeze time, I would at this very moment. I am completely content.

“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said…” She responds softly.

“I meant every word…” I say before a yawn escapes my lips.

Alyssa smiles at me before leaning over and kissing Cadence on her forehead. “I’ll let you get some sleep...” She says before wiggling out of the bed, careful not to wake Cadence.

“You don’t have to go…” I start to protest but Alyssa just reaches for a blanket and drapes it over me.

“You should really get some sleep. It’s been a crazy day.” She says before laying a kiss on my cheek. With that, she shuts the light off and heads for the door.

“Alyssa…” I call out.

“Yeah?”

“See you in the morning…”

“Good night Justin.” Alyssa answers with a hint of playfulness in her voice. Oh, there is definitely something still there and this week I’m determined to figure it all out.

I can feel the sun break its way into the room through the heavy drapery. I’m trying desperately to shield my eyes from the warm rays, but to no avail I can feel my body reacting to the light. Cautiously, I open my eyes and let them adjust to their surroundings. I’m not much of a morning person, if you haven’t figured that out by now.

Suddenly, there is movement in the bed and I’d almost forgotten Cadence was sleeping next to me. I gently roll onto my side and am shocked to see Cadence on her hands and knees trying desperately to take her first crawl. Her face is crunched into a cute pout and she’s bouncing back and forth, trying to make her limbs work in coordination.

Immediately, I lift myself into a sitting position and stretch my hands out to her.

“Cadence…come here…come to Daddy…” I encourage and she looks up at me with a look of sheer determination.

A couple more bounces back and forth and abruptly her arm stretches out closer to me. A look of excitement passes over my little girl’s face and I can feel my heart practically beating out of my chest. I’m so excited to be able to see her crawl for the first time. Immediately, I reach for my phone and dial Alyssa’s number.

“Hello?” A groggy voice answers.

“Alyssa…get in here…she’s crawling…” I practically yell into the phone before throwing it across the room.

I clap my hands and continue to coo words of encouragement at Cadence when abruptly there is a loud bang at the door. The pounding startles Cadence, making her lose her balance and she immediately falls back onto her belly. I pick her up into my arms and smile proudly at her.

“Wait till Mommy sees you…” I say excitedly before opening the door.

I usher Alyssa inside the room, trying my best to stifle a laugh. Standing before us is a completely dishelved woman. Her hair is thrown haphazardly on top of her head, her cheeks are red with a slight imprint outlining the blankets she must’ve had tucked underneath her and her clothes were thrown on inside out.

“I thought she was crawling…” Alyssa says after noticing Cadence in my arms.

“She was…but your pounding startled her and she fell.” I laugh.

Alyssa lets out a breath of air and runs her hands down her clothes. In that moment, she realized exactly what had me so amused and a slight blush creeps into her already puffy cheeks.

“Sorry…” Alyssa apologizes after letting an embarrassed chuckle escape her lips.

“Don’t be…I had the same reaction when I woke up and saw her trying to crawl.”

Alyssa knods her head before turning her attention to Cadence. “You little one, cannot startle Mommy so early in the morning…” Cadence lets out a giggle when Alyssa tickles her side. “I’m going to go shower and get ready…do you want to watch her while I get ready and then I’ll be back?”

“Sounds good…” I answer before Alyssa disappears almost as quickly as she came.

A half hour later, I’m completely engrossed in playing peek-a-boo with Cadence when Alyssa finally returns. My daughter loves that game and I can’t help but play it all the time just so I can see that smile. Alyssa swiftly took over caring for Cadence which allowed me time to get ready for the day. I couldn’t wait to spend the entire day with both of them, exploring the Twin Cities. I’d been her dozens of times prior but never really experienced anything Minnesota had to offer. No matter what happened today, just spending time as a family would be worth it all.

About an hour later, all the bags were packed full of diapers, bottles, pacifiers, blankets, toys, anything Cadence could possible need we had in tow. Making sure to give her a bottle before leaving, Alyssa and I quickly grabbed a couple bagels and some juice before leaving the confines of the hotel.

Mike was waiting patiently in the van, when we arrived. Even though I had requested he take the day off, he refused to let the three of us out of his sight. Not going to lie, I wasn’t thrilled to have him tagging along but better safe than sorry I guess.

“Where are we heading to?” Mike asked once we were all securely in the van.

“Let’s head to the lake…” I respond before setting in for the short ride.

A few minutes had passed when we finally approached the public lake; I’d been to several years before. I remember coming out here with the guys one summer and I’d always hoped I’d get to return. Mike unloaded most of our things while Alyssa and I set up a blanket underneath a nearby tree.

It was a cool autumn day and Alyssa was sure to bring warm clothing for Cadence. Being the overprotective mother, she wrapped Cadence in another shirt and I had to laugh when Cadence nearly toppled over from the weight of four shirts.

“Alyssa…don’t you think she’s going to get warm?”

“Do you want her to get sick Justin?” Alyssa smartly responds.

“No, I just think four shirts is a little extreme…” I say while watching Cadence struggle to regain her balance and I can tell she’s getting close to crying. “Alyssa, she looks like the kid from “A Christmas Story” who can’t move in his snow suit.” Following a few more frustrating battles to move her little arms, Cadence finally broke out into a full blown cry.

I gently pick her up into my arms and remove two of the shirts, only to replace them with a baggier sweatshirt. Pleased to have her full range of motion, Cadence wiggles out of my grasp and onto the blanket. Alyssa knowingly smiles before turning her attention towards the lake

“It’s beautiful out here…how’d you know about this place?” Alyssa asks.

I took a moment to look at our surroundings, remembering it from years past. There is a large paved path that extends around the large body of water which is filled with passersby’s out for a leisurely stroll. Trees lining the water have started to turn various shades of orange and fallen leaves nearly cover the grass. The water sparkles with a shimmering blue and the cool breeze nips at my flushed cheeks.

“A few years ago, the guys and I spent the day here…I must’ve been eighteen or nineteen….it still looks exactly how I remember.” I murmur remembering that day almost like it was yesterday.

“It sort of reminds me of back home…”

“I bet…” I say remembering all of the fun times outside in North Carolina.

“So, how’s the tour been going?” Alyssa asks while lifting Cadence up onto her lap.

“Really well…I’m only a month in but it’s been a lot of fun. It’s been nearly five years since I last toured and I love getting to see the fans. Don’t get me wrong, touring definitely has its down falls…I can’t stand being separated from my family. It makes touring that much harder on me, especially emotionally.”

A small frown passes over Alyssa’s features before she offers any words. “I’m just glad we could make it out here…”

“Me too…” I smile. “I wish you could stay longer though…”

“I know…us too but we, or at least, I have to get back….Ryan’s parents are throwing us an engagement party next week.”

I can feel my stomach start to churn at that idea. “Oh yeah…that’ll be fun.” I respond trying to keep my voice void of any emotion.

Alyssa doesn’t react right away but rather engrosses herself in something Cadence is fiddling with.

“Alyssa?”

“Sorry just got lost there for a second. Yeah…it’ll be fun to see everyone…I told Mary, his mom, she didn’t have too but you know when mothers get something in their head…” She answers.

I offer up the most genuine smile I can muster before continuing. “I’ll make sure and keep that in mind…send you both something…”

Alyssa looks up at me with confused eyes. “You don’t have to do that…”

“It’s only customary…” I try and explain but Cadence is distracting Alyssa. In that moment, I’m thankful I have a daughter who refuses to be anything but the center of attention when Mommy and Daddy are concerned. I wasn’t really ready to start talking about Alyssa’s perfect life with perfect Ryan in their perfect little house. Can you sense the sarcasm?

“I think she wants to move around…maybe we should go for a walk?” I suggest before standing up.

Alyssa gently hands Cadence to me before joining me on her feet. Intent on putting that awkward conversation behind us, the three of us head out to explore the lake and all its beauty.

________________________________________________________________________

Alyssa, Cadence and I spent almost the entire afternoon at the lake. It was the first time since the tour started that I felt complete. This day and those two girls have solidified my position as a total family man. If I had to give this entire thing up, I would in heartbeat to be there for them. I can’t explain the bond I have with Alyssa, knowing that we created our little girl is a powerful thing and will hold us together for the rest of our lives. It also doesn’t help that she’s able to light another fire deep inside me. I’ve always found Alyssa to be attractive, clearly I do or we wouldn’t be in this situation, but watching her be a mother to our daughter makes her even more attractive in my eyes. I’m almost positive though that Alyssa doesn’t have a clue about my feelings towards her and I’d be surprised if it really mattered, considering she’s marrying Ryan in a month.

After giving Cadence a bath back at the hotel, I’ve finally got her settled on the bed in her pajamas. Alyssa had retired back to her room about an hour earlier, leaving me to have some time alone with Cadence. Her eyes are starting to flutter close, after another intense game of peek-a-boo and I can’t help but watch my little girl fall asleep. She’s my world.

“Cadence, I wish you could talk and tell mommy not to marry Ryan…” I start to murmur to my child’s sleeping form. Knowing full well she can’t understand anything I’m telling her, it just feels good to get everything out.

“I want you to know that Daddy will always love you and that no matter what happens…I’ll always be there for you and Mommy. I wish I could make your Mommy realize what she has right in front of her…but I just don’t know how.” I continue to ramble as I watch the steady rise and fall of Cadence’s tiny body.

I let out a huge breath of air before laying my head back on the bed. Thinking about this entire situation usually leaves me feeling drained. Finally I can feel my body start to give into the sandman, when suddenly there’s a knock on the door. Jolted from the bed, I head over to the door and am surprised to see Alyssa standing there.

“What’s wrong?” I ask noticing a far off look in her eyes.

“Can’t sleep…did I wake you?” She asks softly.

“No, come in…” I open the door wider and allow Alyssa to walk into the room.

Alyssa immediately takes a seat on the bed. Careful not to disturb Cadence, she slithers her ways underneath the covers and tucks her arm underneath her head. Her eyes are dim and there’s a hint of sadness displayed across her face. I don’t know what happened but I’m bound to figure it all out.

I crawl into the bed opposite Alyssa and turn to face her. “What happened?” I gently ask.

I can see there are tears forming in her eyes but she’s quick to push them away. “Have you ever wondered what might’ve been?” Alyssa asks in a far off voice, completely ignoring my question.

I certainly wasn’t expecting anything like this and she’s completely caught me off guard. “What?”

Alyssa turns and sits upright on the bed, pulling her feet underneath her body, she looks me straight in the eye and I can feel my body reacting to her stare. “You know…have you ever wondered what could’ve been between you and me?”

I’ve been waiting for so long just to hear something like that come out of her mouth and wouldn’t you know…I’m not ready for it when it does happen. “Umm…well…” I start to stumble but she quickly interrupts me and continues to pour everything off her chest.

“I’m so sorry Justin for everything I ever did to you…for ruining what could’ve been…for hiding Cadence…for hurting you…for hurting me…if I could go back in time, I would…” She cries out and the tears that were threatening to fall are now cascading softly down her cheeks.

I stand up and crawl over next to Alyssa. Wrapping my arms around her body, I pull her close to me and run a soothing hand down her side. “Hey now…don’t do this to yourself, Alyssa…that’s over with and I’m not mad…”

Alyssa’s sobs continue to rack her body and she’s gripping onto my shirt for dear life. I have no idea what brought all of this on but I wish she would tell me rather than apologize for something I’ve forgiven her for a long time ago. Her hands start to loosen their hold on my shirt and she turns her face up towards me. Her eyes are watery and filled with a sense of regret.

I gently push a side a loose piece of hair that has fallen into her eyes and she smiles softly up at me. “What happened tonight?”

She takes a deep breath and continues to loosen her grip before continuing. “Ryan and I got into a huge fight tonight…”

A light bulb goes off in my head and now her outburst is starting to make a little more sense. I rub my hand up and down her side, encouraging her to go on.

“He’s mad that I’m spending so much time up here with you, when I should really be helping get things in order for the wedding. I told him that you have every right to spend as much time with Cadence as you want and that I came up here for that reason. That apparently, sent him over the edge and he just goes on this tyrant about how I’m only doing all of this because I feel guilty for hiding Cadence and that no matter what you’ll always hold that against me…”

I can feel my blood start to boil with anger for this guy. He has absolutely no right to try and but his nose into something he has no clue about anyways.

“Hey look at me…” I say sternly and pull my hands up to Alyssa’s face. I hold her cheeks in both of my hands and look her straight in the eye. I want to make sure what I say really sinks in for her. “Alyssa, I want you to forget about what Ryan said tonight. I am telling you that I do not hold anything against you. I am not nor will I ever be mad at you for what happened in the past. The past is the past and we made it through…I understand why you did what you did and I’m not mad. I haven’t been for a long time now. Please believe me when I say you don’t ever have to do anything to make up for lost time…you’ve been more than accommodating to my crazy schedule and I couldn’t ask for a better person to be the mother of my child.”

Alyssa’s features soften at my words and she gently leans her body into mine. I wrap my arms protectively around her waist and hold her close to me. We sit there just enjoying each other’s company and finally she turns to break my hold. Alyssa turns to look up at me and suddenly she connects her lips to mine. Completely caught off guard, it takes a minute to realize what is happening. Warning bells are going off in my head and I push them aside for I’ve been waiting so long to do this. I sink my hands into her hair pulling her closer and deepen the kiss. I let my tongue travel the outside of her lips before she gently parts her mouth, granting me access to her depths. A soft moan can be heard, the minute our tongues connect and I can feel my body reacting to this. I let one of my hands drop to her waist and pull her onto my lap. Our kiss is broken for a minute and Alyssa gently calls out my name.

“Justin…I can’t…” She says stopping the kiss and pulling away from my hold. Immediately, Alyssa stands up and walks towards the door.

“Alyssa?” I call out, trying to scramble to my feet before she disappears.

She stops before opening the door and turns to look at me. I slowly walk up to her, unaware of how she feels about what just transpired between us. “I’m sorry…I just…I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long and…” I sputter and she gently puts her hand on my chest to stop me.

“Don’t…it’s my fault…just give me some time to think…” Alyssa says softly before opening the door and walking back to her room.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I am a complete idiot. Why on Earth would I kiss Alyssa, knowing full well she’s engaged to Ryan and was just looking for a sense of comfort? I should’ve stopped it but instead I let my dick do the talking and now she’s avoiding me like the plague.

Therefore, I’ve been spending all of my time hanging out with Cadence taking her to different places around the Twin Cities while Alyssa’s been out doing her own thing. I can’t say I blame her for avoiding me but at the same time I just want to talk to her and clear this all up. Why is it that when my life is finally getting back on track, I somehow find another way to screw it up?

The loud buzzing on the table jolts me from my thoughts and I reach over to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey honey, how are you doing?” My mother asks cheerily into the phone.

“I’ve been better…” I respond solemnly while walking out to the patio of the hotel. I just laid Cadence down for a nap a little bit ago and don’t want to wake her.

“What’s wrong? Did anything happen to Cadence?” She starts to spout off before I interrupt her tirade.

“She’s fine…she’s actually sleeping right now.” I say while looking out at the traffic below.

“Well than what’s going on? How’s…Alyssa?” She asks cautiously.

I can feel my breath get caught in my throat and I take a second to re-center myself. Ever since that kiss, I’ve been completely on edge with anything concerning Alyssa. She has the ability to make my brain freeze and leave me stumbling around like an idiot.

“She isn’t really speaking to me right now…” I murmur hoping my Mom would just drop it, but knowing full well she wouldn’t.

“What’d you do?” She immediately accuses.

“Why do you think it’s my fault?” I ask defensively.

“Because I’m your mother and whenever a woman isn’t speaking to man…more than likely it’s his fault.” She says lightheartedly.

I can feel a small laugh creep into my throat. “Thanks mom…”

“Anytime sweetie…now, what really happened?” She asks in that motherly tone.

I take a deep breath and prepare to unleash everything on my mom. Starting with my growing feelings towards Alyssa, my strong dislike for Ryan and of course ending with the kiss we shared. I feel bad…she has no idea what she’s in for but I guess that’s what happens when you’re a parent. You’ll do anything for your children and listening to their problems is definitely included.

“So you two kissed?” My mom reiterates after I just got done explaining everything.

“Yeah we did…”

“Well it’s about damn time!” She exclaims.

I can feel my mouth fall open at her giddiness. “What are you talking about?” I ask confused.

“Justin…ever since Alyssa came out to California with Cadence; I’ve known there was something between you two the entire time. I’m just surprised it’s taken this long for you both to realize it. Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s entirely wrong for you both to be fooling around behind Ryan’s back, however, I absolutely adore Alyssa and I hope you both can figure this all out before the wedding. Just give her some time Justin…she’s going through a difficult time, she’ll come around.”

I smile knowing my mother was the only person who could possible shed any kind of light in my direction. “Thanks Mom…”

“That’s what I’m here for; now give my granddaughter a big kiss. I’ll see you soon honey. I love you!”

“Love you too Mom…” I say before shutting my phone and dropping it into my pocket. I take a second to enjoy the view from my hotel balcony. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be back on the bus heading to Detroit with Cadence while Alyssa will be flying back to North Carolina. I really need to talk to Alyssa as soon as possible.

________________________________________________________________________

I can feel my heart practically beating out of my chest in anticipation. I’ve spent most of the afternoon running through the different scenarios that could happen when I confront Alyssa. I am down to my last day, last possible option for talking to her before she flies back to North Carolina for God knows how long. I need to explain everything to her, lay it all out there and hopefully she won’t laugh in my face. I’ve been pacing the hallway basically every five minutes, waiting for Alyssa to get back from wherever she disappeared too. I’m not giving her any other way out, we’re going to have this out…and it’s going to be tonight.

Deciding to check her room out once more, I start heading down the hallway. I smooth my shirt over my jeans before reaching my hand up and knocking softly on the door. Finally, I can hear shuffling on the other side before the door creaks open and standing before me is a completely soaked Alyssa.

“What happened?” I ask after giving her the once over.

“I was outside when it decided to downpour. I didn’t have anything with me, so I basically ran back to the hotel. What’d you need?” She asks before positioning her foot in front of the door, blocking my entrance.

“Umm…well…I…” I stutter and notice the annoyed look on Alyssa’s face. Seeing her expression lit something in me and I was determined to get her to listen. “We need to talk and I’m not letting you leave until we do.” I say defiantly.

“I don’t have time Justin…I’m soaking wet. I need a shower and I still have to pack.” She argues.

“I don’t care…I have all night to wait for you to finish those things. Mike is watching Cadence for us and I think we need to talk before you leave tomorrow.”

Alyssa rolls her head before throwing the door open and walking away. “I’m getting in the shower…I guess sit down…” She says while grabbing her clothes and walking into the bathroom.

I nervously start to fidget with the hem of my shirt before dropping my hands in exasperation. This was Alyssa we’re talking about here…it’s not like she’s going to punch me in the face or anything…at least I hope not. Knowing I should probably find something to occupy my time while Alyssa was showering, I throw my body down onto her bed and turn the TV on.

A couple minutes later, I’m completely engrossed Sports Center when the door to the bathroom finally opens. Out walks Alyssa clad in a pair of jeans and a tank top. Her hair is went and hangs limply around her face. She doesn’t even bother to look up at me before she starts rummaging around the room. Completely ignoring my presence, she starts to load her clothes into her suitcase. I can feel the anger rising in the pit of my stomach as I watch her fold and neatly store, shirt after shirt.

“Are you even going to acknowledge me?” I say flatly.

I can tell she rolled her eyes before she even answered. “I told you I had to pack…it is your choice to wait around.”

I can feel my patience start to give and I forcefully turn the TV off before spinning around to face Alyssa. “Listen…I’m sorry about the kiss…well I’m not sorry that we kissed because it was…amazing, yeah amazing. I’m just sorry that I hurt you and put you in a really uncomfortable position.”

Alyssa looks up at me with her big blue eyes but doesn’t bother to say anything before retuning to her clothes.

“Are you going to say anything?” I demand.

She throws the shirt down into the suit case before standing up and putting her hands on her hips. Oh man, here we go.

“What do you want me to say?” She yells.

“Something…anything…you’ve been ignoring me all week and…”

“Did you ever stop to think why I was ignoring you?” She interrupts but instead of yelling, her voice has softened.

I exasperatedly throw my hands into the air at that. “Hello…that’s all I have been doing is thinking.”

“Clearly, you don’t get it or you wouldn’t be in here yelling at me.” She says before picking her things back up.

I walk over to her and rip the shirt out of her hand. Her eyes snap up to meet mine and she looks nervous. “Then clue me in as to what is going on…all week I’ve wanted to talk to you but you’re out of your room before Cadence and I come over and you’re never back before Cadence is sleeping. All I want to do is talk to you…” I insist.

I can feel Alyssa’s wall’s breaking down and she turns to sit down on the bed. Knowing she’s giving in, I try and take a deep breath to calm my temper.

“Justin, that kiss shouldn’t have happened…what I did not only hurt’s you, it hurts me and it hurts Ryan. I did the one thing I swore I never would do and that’s cheat on someone. But what scares me even more about what happened…is not the fact that I so easily gave into temptation but it meant something to me. I felt it…here.” She says pointing to her chest.

I can feel the nerves piling up in the pit of my stomach. Knowing I need to sit down, I slide onto the bed next to Alyssa. “Then why didn’t you talk to me? Why push me away all week?”

I see a single tear slide down her cheek and I gently reach up to brush it away. “Because I didn’t and still don’t know how to deal with it. I thought if I saw you, you’d look at me and see this horrible person.”

“The word horrible never comes to mind when I think of you Alyssa.” I state.

She looks up at me and a small smile plays at her lips. “I’m sorry about the kiss Justin…I really am.”

I can feel a slight twinge of disappoint in my stomach before I respond. “Don’t be…it happened and I’ll never bring it up again. But there is one thing I want you to know…” I say before taking her hand into mine and placing it on my chest. “I felt it here too.”

Alyssa looks up at me with surprise shining in her eyes. We just sit there looking into each other’s eyes and I can feel the sexual tension rising in the room; it’s practically choking me. My entire being is screaming to just take her into my arms and show her how I feel. I can feel my hands begin to shake and I have to break this stare or I’m really going to screw this up.

“Alyssa…”

“Don’t Justin…” She responds before crashing her lips again mine.

My eyes practically bulge out of my head, isn’t this the same way we ended up into this fight? Alyssa’s tongue is running across the bottom of my lips, begging for entrance and for some strange reason I pull away from her.

Both of us are breathing heavy and a blush is creeping into her cheeks. “Alyssa…we can’t. I refuse to fight with you for another week. It was torture not talking to you and as much as I want too…I can’t.”

“Just for tonight Justin…I leave tomorrow morning and for one night, I just want to follow my heart…” She says softly.

My head is practically spinning at her confession and I’m so utterly confused but I know exactly where my heart lies. If for tonight I can be with her well then I’m going to do just that.

I lift my hands up to her face cupping her cheeks and pull her lips to mine. Gently, our lips start to move together. My heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest the minute the kiss deepens. Ever since the other night, I’ve wondered what it’d be like to kiss her again, whether it was just a fluke or if my heart was really head over heels for her. I run my hands through her hair before letting them fall to her waist. I wrap them protectively around her side and pull her onto my lap. Our lips break for just a moment when she reaches for my shirt.

I raise my hands to let her follow through with her actions. Quickly, she takes my shirt off and drops it to the ground. Her hands travel slowly across my chest before wrapping around my torso and pulling me closer. I let me hands travel to her back before letting them lift her shit up and over her head.

My dick is practically bursting out my pants when she reaches to slip my jeans off. Smoothly, she lies back on the bed and sheds herself of all her clothing. I gently lay myself down on top of her before proceeding to kiss every inch of her neck and start making my way down her body. Alyssa lets out a few moans and I’m ready to devour her the minute my name slips from her lips.

Making my way slowly back up her body, I stop to look at her before continuing.

“Are you sure?” I ask, knowing I am more than ready for this.

“Yeah…I’m sure Justin.” She says softly.

Gradually, I lower myself onto her before pushing myself inside of her. She lets out a moan and my breath catches in my throat as soon as I enter her. After letting her get accommodated, I start to pulse in and out. I lean down and reclaim her lips once again while her hands travel up my back, every so often pulling me closer. I can feel her hips start to buck up into me with each thrust and my pace is quickening. She feels so damn good and I’ve waited so long to be with her again.

“Justin…” She yells out. “I’m so close…”

I wasn’t expecting that and begin to thrust harder and harder. Feeling myself start to slide into oblivion, Alyssa moans out and her body arches into mine. I can feel her walls tighten around me as she orgasms and it’s enough to bring me the rest of the way over the edge. After letting go, I gently slide out of her and lie next to her on the bed, pulling her close to me.

“Alyssa…”

“Don’t say anything Justin. That was beautiful. Just hold me.” She replies softly.

I am happy to accommodate her request and wrap my arms around her waist. I pull her body flush against me before wrapping the covers over us. I can feel my eyes start to get heavy and having Alyssa in my arms, is everything I’ve ever wanted.

“Goodnight…” I whisper.

“Goodnight Justin…”

_______________________________________________________________________


Have I ever told you how much I hate the sun after a perfectly wonderful night’s sleep? I don’t think I’ve ever slept so well in such a long time. Immediately, my thoughts drift back to last night and I smile. Quickly, I roll over expecting to have Alyssa lying next to me but instead the bed is empty. I feel the covers and they’re already cool. Frantically, I get up and run to the bathroom assuming she’s in the shower but it’s empty. However, there’s an envelope taped to the counter with my name on it.

Reluctantly, I tear open the envelope and scan it quick, recognizing Alyssa’s handwriting. Immediately my stomach drops.


Justin,
I am so sorry. I want you to know that last night meant everything to me. I hope you believe me, but I need to go back to North Carolina. I need to figure out where my relationship with Ryan stands. I can’t do that to him. I need to go back to my life…I am really sorry. You mean the world to me and please take care of Cadence this week. I dropped her stuff off with Mike this morning before I left. Please forgive me.

I love you,

Alyssa

-This explains exactly how I feel…



Gently, I turn the letter over and there are lyrics scribbled across the back.

Sitting here all by myself with my heart up
On the shelf
This house don’t feel like home to me
I watch the clock up on the wall, time stands
Still that’s all
When you’re out of reach I wish you could see
Since you went away, I’ve been feeling this way
What I really want to stay

I wanna see you, I wanna be with you, I wanna feel you
And put my arms around you when I hold you
I won’t let go of you baby
If I could kiss you I’d make love to you ‘cause
I need you
Like I never needed anybody, oh baby can’t you see
You’re the man that brings the woman out of me

I took a walk out in the rain, knowing that
You feel the same
With each goodbye I’m closer to you
Though the miles pull us apart, We both knew
It from the start
Together we can make it through
Every minute that you’re gone is a minute too long
Right here’s where you belong

I wanna see you, I wanna be with you, I wanna feel you
And put my arms around you when I hold you
I won’t let go of you baby
If I could kiss you I’d make love to you ‘cause
I need you
Like I never needed anybody, oh baby can’t
You see
You’re the man that brings the woman out of me

And when we are together it’s like nothing
That I’ve ever felt before
When you lay your hands on me
It‘s lightning and it’s thunder, this sweet spell that I’m under
Baby, you’re all that I need


How could she just leave me like that?

Looking back, I’ve been through a lot in my short twenty-six years of life. I’ve grown up in the public eye, traveled the world, experienced unparalleled success in my career, had my heart broken, broken a few hearts myself, had a baby girl and now been in love with a woman who runs the minute I put my heart on the line for her. The only thing keeping me going is having Cadence on tour with me. She’s my sunshine; her face is the one thing I look forward to seeing each morning. Cadence is my last connection to Alyssa and she’s the absolute best thing in my life.

I cradle Cadence’s sleeping body in my arms as I walk towards the front of the tour bus. Gently, I sit down on the couch and wrap the blanket tighter around Cadence’s face. She looks so peaceful lying there. I wish Alyssa was here to see our daughter. I want nothing more than to be the family I know we can be. But I can’t force her to be with me. Repeatedly, I’ve called Alyssa every day hoping to hear her voice, some sort of explanation for sleeping with me and then just bolting the second she could. I guess I knew she wouldn’t return my calls. I feel like I’ve been down this road before with her and at the end of it, I found out about my daughter.

I let out a sigh, thinking back to that moment and tenderly touch my little girl’s face. She gently stirs in my arms before falling back to sleep. She is my everything. Finally, I feel the bus pull to a stop and I know we’ve arrived in New York. Tonight, is the most important concert of my entire career; I’m playing at Madison Square Garden and HBO is there to tape the concert for a special airing. Millions of people will see this show and despite the fact that I’ve been touring since I was fifteen, I still get nervous.

The bus shifts slightly, alerting me to someone else’s presence on board and I look up to see Trace walking up the stairs.

“Hey man…long time, no see.” He says once he reaches the top of the stairs.

I feel a smile take over my face and I stand up to greet my best friend. I haven’t seen Trace since that fateful trip to North Carolina. He’s been busy helping run my clothing line while I’ve been on tour and I was not expecting him to show up here in New York.

“Trace man…what are you doing here?” I say while extending one hand out, making sure to support Cadence at the same time.

“Mama Lynn called and said you could use a friend. Why didn’t you call man?” He says while shaking my hand.

“You have enough on your plate, taking care of the clothing line and restaurant. I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Nonsense bro.” He says before looking down at Cadence.

“So this is Cadence? This is my little niece.” He says while gently running his finger over Cadence’s hand.

“Yeah…Trace I’d like you to meet Cadence Taylor Timberlake. I’m sorry she’s sleeping right now but she’ll be awake soon.”

“She’s beautiful man; I can’t believe you’re a father.” He says while intently watching my little girl.

“Me neither…but she’s the best thing in my life. I love being a father…life is so much more rewarding. It puts everything into perspective. Did you want to hold her?”

“Can I?” He asks.

“Absolutely…you are her Uncle.” I say before smoothly sliding Cadence into Trace’s arms.

Instinctively, he holds her close almost as if protecting her from anything and everything. I notice a smile overtake his features as he rocks her gently in his arms. I think back to the younger days together, running around chasing females and all the talk about being players for the rest of our lives and how insignificant those days really are now. Happiness, love and most definitely family is all that truly matters now.

“How long are you staying?” I ask trying to brush those thoughts away.

“Probably the rest of the week. I have a meeting for William Rast next week in L.A. so I have to be there for that. But I’m ready to spend some time with my little niece and catch up. I feel like it’s been forever since we last hung out.”

“Most definitely…well hey let’s head inside. I should get Cadence’s things set up and start getting ready for the show tonight.”

I start collecting a bunch of Cadence’s toys, bags, pacifiers, blankets, diapers, basically anything she might need the next couple of hours and throw it over my shoulder. I reach for my phone, checking for any missed calls and let out a disappointed sigh when I see nothing.

“Ready to go?” I ask Trace who’s busy trying to wake Cadence up.

Trace looks up at me and starts to let out a chuckle. “If only everyone got to see you like this…”

“What?” I say looking down at myself.

Trace shakes his head and starts to make his way off the bus. “You are completely loaded down with baby stuff and you’re carrying three different pink teddy bears. What the paparazzi would do for a shot like this?”

I let out a hearty laugh when I realize the picture I must make. Damn, it’s good to have my best friend here.

_______________________________________________________________________

Ever since Trace arrived in New York, he’s been permanently attached to Cadence. I don’t think I’ve heard her giggle as much as she has lately. Trace has played every game imaginable with her and it’s fun watching her bond with him.

I’m due on stage in less than twenty minutes and my nerves are definitely stating to settle in my stomach. The HBO camera crew has been following me around throughout the backstage area. Although, I have made my dressing room off limits, considering Trace and Cadence are in there, but I also just want a place to collect my thoughts. I attach my ear pieces around my neck and finish tucking in my shirt. Grabbing my jacket, I walk over to my little girl and pick her up.

“Daddy’s got to go work…can you give me a kiss?” I ask while holding her in front of me. Immediately, Cadence leans her head and smacks her lips against mine. My heart practically leaps into my throat at her new accomplishment. I hug her tightly to me and tell her how much I love her before handing her off to Trace to watch while I’m on stage.

“Take care of her…” I say before giving her one last kiss.

“Good luck J…we’ll be watching.” Trace says shifting Cadence to his hip and picking her arm up to wave goodbye.

I wave back before opening the door to my room and walking out into the hallway. Immediately, there are HBO cameras in my face and I try my best to get my head in the right spot. I’ve been planning on doing another surprise song at the end of the concert tonight and this one is absolutely personal for me.

I make my way down into the room where the entire crew is waiting. All my dancers, singers and band members are dressed and bouncing with anticipation. This show is the biggest thing we’ve done yet and I understand their excitement. Johnny immediately pulls me into a handshake/hug and wishes me good luck. After all of the well wishes from the crew, we head towards the stage. The crowd is buzzing in anticipation and I can feel my heart beating hard in my chest. I only wish Alyssa was here to watch this moment.

I duck underneath the stage and take my position in the middle of the stage. Grabbing my microphone, I shake my hands out, releasing my nervous energy and prepare to put on the best show of my life. I picture Cadence’s smiling face before turning to nod at Luke, my sound board director, letting him know I’m ready. A few seconds later the music starts and the stage starts to lift me up. This is it…this is the biggest moment in my career and I’m ready to face it head on.

________________________________________________________________________

The screams are practically bellowing off the walls of the garden and my adrenaline is finally coming back down. The excitement and hype of this show has made it one of my most enjoyable performances. However, I couldn’t get past the disappointment of Alyssa being gone. It’s like my world feels off and I can’t quite seem to be whole without her. I need her support and it hurts knowing she left without as much as a goodbye.

I grab a bottle of water from the cooler before walking back onto the stage for the last song. The screams erupt once the light finds me and a genuine smile overtakes my face. No matter what might happen in my life, my fans mean the world to me and they deserve to get to know the real Justin.

I bow my head at their applause before sitting myself down on the piano. I take a look around Madison Square Garden and thank God for all his blessings in my life; my career, my family, my friends and mostly my daughter.

“Thank you…” I say into my microphone and the cheers get even louder.

“I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart…this moment…you’ll never understand what it means to be here and with all of you. I especially want to thank HBO. I hope you all had fun this evening…I know I did. However, I’d like to do one more song…” I say while running my hands across the piano and the crowd erupts into applause. “I hope you enjoy it…this song is very dear to me.” I state before strumming my keys across the piano. The music starts to come to life and I feel myself drifting back into my thoughts. I close my eyes before letting my voice carry all of my emotions out of me.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if I did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part…



My voice holds the last note before I release myself from the piano chair. I wave at the crowd before making a sharp exit down the stairs and away from all of their eyes. I let myself get completely caught up in the song and I felt the tears fall down my cheeks. I would do anything to make Alyssa see what she’s doing to me…I love her and I love our daughter. I love our life we could have together and most importantly…I love the family we could be. Why doesn’t she see this too?

"Wake up Daddy…Daddy….Daddy…DADDY!!!” Trace practically yells into my ear, bolting me from my peaceful slumber. My eyes dart around the room before landing on him; he’s laughing hysterically at me while holding Cadence in his arms. She’s laughing along with him and her smile melts my heart.

“What’s your problem man?” I say while reaching out to take Cadence onto my lap.

“She’s been up for awhile and wants to see you. I thought I’d wake you up the same way she will be doing for the next couple of years…once she learns how to talk that is.” He explains as he lifts Cadence onto the bed with me.

“So what’s the plan for today?” He asks as he sits down on the chair next to my bed.

“Last show of the tour tonight…” I respond while fixing Cadence’s shirt.

“I can’t believe its coming to an end…it’s been one hell of a tour Justin. Seriously, this show was awesome.”

“Thanks man…it’s been a hell of a ride, that’s for sure. But I’m looking forward to just spending quality time at home with Cadence. It’s great having her on the road with me…but I want her to have structure and being in a different city every day can’t be conducive for her development.”

Trace snickers at my response before throwing his two cents in. “Listen to yourself man, you really are a father. It can’t be conducive for her development. It’s good to see you really put her before you…in every sense. You’re going to make a great father and she’s going to grow up wonderfully.”

I smile and lift Cadence up in the air. “You hear that Cadence…I’m going to make a great father…” She screams out in laughter before I pull her back onto my lap.

Trace laughs along with us before standing up and walking towards the door. “Hey man…I got to make a few calls and take care of some things but I’ll meet up with you two later.” He finishes before opening the door and disappearing down the hallway. It’s been awesome having Trace with for this past week. Cadence has really attached herself to him and it’s been great watching them bond. He has been my best friend since I was Cadence’s age and he’s always been there when I needed him.

“How about we get ready Ms. Cadence? It’s Daddy’s last show tonight…” I start talking to her and she covers her mouth with her hands before laying her head on my chest. It’s those moments that really melt your heart as a father.

________________________________________________________________________

A knock on my dressing room door pulled my attention away from Cadence. “Justin…you ready?” Trace calls out before opening the door and coming inside.

“Yeah I am…just getting some last minute laughs from Cadence.” I said before picking her up and kissing her cheek.

“Good luck tonight…enjoy it. It was a ridiculously successful tour man.” Trace said taking Cadence from my arms and positioning her on his hip.

“Thanks man…I’ll see you after the show?” I asked before giving Cadence one last kiss goodbye.

“Mmmhhmm…” He responds with a mischievous grin on his face. I would’ve questioned him more if Mike hadn’t interrupted explaining that I was needed on stage right then. I turn to give Cadence one last wave before heading down the hall towards the stage for the last time. It’s surreal to think the tour is coming to an end already but I’m really looking forward to just reveling in being a father. I can’t wait to spend early mornings watching cartoons, trips to the park, ice cream runs, late night Disney movies, falling asleep with her on my stomach and watching her learn to walk and talk for the first time. Everything that comes with being a parent far outweighs being on tour.

I make the final turn before walking in between my bodyguards towards the stage. Fans are screaming my name and I smile brightly at them. It’s the last time I’ll be on tour for a long time and my fans don’t have any idea why I won’t return for at least a couple years. Making my way underneath the stage, I receive a handful of congratulatory remarks and hugs before getting ready to perform one last time.

________________________________________________________________________

This show has been anything but predictable. Almost every dancer, band member and back-up singer has pulled a prank on me throughout the concert and I’ve had a hard time singing rather than laughing. This show has been more fun than any other and it’s exactly what I wanted out of the last one.

The lights finally turn back on and the entire arena is lit up, allowing me to see my fans for the first time tonight. I’m always astounded at the sheer volume of the arenas and the fact that every seat has a body in it. It completely humbles me. The cheers echo off the walls before I take a seat at the piano and bring the microphone to my mouth.

“Thank you…Thank you….Thank you…” I start off with. “I would be no where without all of you, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I didn’t think it was possible but the cheers get even louder with that. “You know, this tour has been so enjoyable for me…I’m sad to see it come to an end. But it’s been awesome hitting the road, meeting all of you and singing every night.” I say but am immediately cut off by a video that’s being broadcasted up onto the screens surrounding the stage.

“Don’t think we’re done yet Justin…” Trace calls into the camera. “A bunch of us got together and decided to put some videos together…congrats man on a great tour!” The fans erupt into cheering and I sit down thoroughly amused that they were able to do all of this without me knowing.

“Hey Justin…it’s your mama. Just wanted to say congratulations on a great year…I’m so proud of you. I love you and can’t wait for you to come home!” My mom chimes in as her picture takes up the screen. I haven’t seen my mom in so long and I don’t care what anyone says…I’ll always be a mama’s boy.

“Justin!!” Trace practically yells into the camera. “Say hello to my niece.” He says holding Cadence up and waving her hand into the camera. I can feel my throat constrict just watching my baby up there. “Congrats man…your tour was awesome and can’t wait for you to get back to California. We’ll definitely go out for a few…love ya man. Cadence say goodbye…” He whispers and waves her hand one more time before the screen goes black and then Johnny pops on. It continues to go through a slew of people wishing me the best before my heart practically stops beating and I forget to breathe when Alyssa’s pictures shows up.

“Hi Justin, Trace had called wanting me to tape something to show at your last concert, so here I am. I’m so proud of everything you’ve accomplished this year. You’re unstoppable. I know it’s been a while since we last saw each other…but just know I’m always there cheering you on. I miss you and congrats again! Love you Justin…” She says before blowing a kiss at the screen and the arena lights turn back on.

I’m having a hard time collecting my thoughts because Alyssa was definitely the last person I expected to see on that screen. The lights finally find me sitting on the piano and I realize how much seeing her has affected me. “You’ll have to give me a second…I wasn’t expecting that and it really meant a lot to see all of my friends and family again.” I said before taking a drink of water, trying to regain my composure.

“I have one more song for you all…usually at the end of the concert I play a song that I’m feeling and this one was definitely not planned. But I hope you guys like it. I had a great time tonight. Thank you again and I’ll see you all the next time around.” I say before letting my fingers fall on the piano and let my heart get lost in the emotion of the song.


Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?



I let the guitar riff fill the arena after I finished singing before getting up and taking one last bow. I yelled thank you before disappearing down the stairs and underneath the stage. After seeing that video from Alyssa, I am more determined than ever to make her see that she should be with me. That the three of us would make a beautiful family and Ryan needs to remain the loyal friend, not her husband.

I jog through the hallways leading back to my dressing room. Crew members are clapping and smiling at me but my head is off in North Carolina. I know the wedding is coming up and I’m almost out of time.

I open my dressing room and am shocked to the point of being frozen in mid-step when I see Alyssa standing there holding Cadence in her arms. She looks up at me with a smile adorning her face as she cuddles Cadence closer to her chest.

“Hi…” She mumbles out.

My eyes feel like they’re about to pop out of my head. She was definitely the last person I was expecting to be in here. A second ago my head was running through different scenarios about getting her to come out here when she wouldn’t even answer any of my calls.

“What are you doing here?” I respond while stepping into the room and letting the door close behind me.

“I missed Cadence…and you.” She says softly.

I can feel my body start to clam up because I’ve been down this road so many times before with her. I always let her come waltzing back in and she ends up capturing my heart and practically tearing it out when she walks out of my life.

“I’m sorry Justin…” She says with more emotion behind her voice than I was ready for.

“I don’t know what you want me to say…” I say before walking past her and giving Cadence a kiss on the cheek. I reach for a towel and sling it around my neck.

“I deserve that…” She answers.

“What are you doing here?” I ask while wiping my face off.

“Trace called me…” A part of me wants to kill that bastard for doing this behind my back but at the same time I know he’s trying to help and even though it’s hard for me to see Alyssa…I know I would rather her be here than not. “Justin…I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left without explaining anything to you. I know I don’t deserve another chance but I want you to know that what happened that night meant more to me than you’ll ever know. It rocked me to the core and I’m here to make amends.” She starts to pour out and I feel myself getting caught up in everything she’s saying. For the past couple weeks, I’ve tortured myself over her departure and now she just shows up out of the blue.

“Alyssa…you don’t even understand what you’re doing to me. I am so head over heels in love with you and you’ve managed to break my heart more than once. I can’t keep doing this back and forth shit…it’s not fair to me or Ryan.”

“I know…I know…” She says with a hint of conviction in her voice. “There’s a lot we need to talk about…I’m asking you to give me one more chance Justin. Please find it in your heart to just hear me out?”

I feel the sharp intake of breath at her words because I can tell my walls are breaking down. I take a second to think it over before slowly nodding my head. I want nothing more than to work everything out and if I let my anger overtake this situation, maybe we’ll never see the end of this vicious cycle. “Sure…” I say before grabbing some of my things out of my bag. “There are some things I have to take care of here…but the whole crew should be heading back to the hotel soon. If you want, you can ride with Trace but give me an hour and meet me in my room. We can talk then.” I say as I grab an extra pair of clothes and give Cadence a kiss before walking into the bathroom. My heart is beating so hard in its cage that if I didn’t get out of that situation, I feared I just might completely break down. I don’t know what I’m really expecting Alyssa to say but I hope like hell she doesn’t run again.

I’ve wished for this day for God knows how long. The day that Alyssa would come back into my life and explain what the fuck happened that night she just disappeared without warning. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at our daughter and wished Alyssa was by my side and now that she’s here…I’m terrified. I’m scared out of my fucking mind at what she’s here to say. Everything from she’s already married to Ryan to she’s taking Cadence away from me has run through my head. I’m a mess!

I managed to stall Mike at the arena for the last hour and now I’ve run out of options. I’m going to have to face Alyssa sooner or later and I guess sooner has arrived. My stomach is practically in my throat and my hands are trembling slightly. Mike and I are walking down the hallway of the hotel and he stops to give me an encouraging slap on the back before turning to enter his room. I take the next few steps and steady myself at my door. Taking a deep breath, I slip the card in and prepare myself for the worst.

Imagine my disappointment and heartache I feel when I come to see that my room is pitch black and completely empty. I knew it…I fucking knew she would run. I should’ve listened to my gut and never invited her back here. I’m so fucking tired of the disappointment. I’m tired of hoping that this one time will be different and then getting smacked in the face by reality that it’s never going to be the way I want it. I fall back onto the bed and just stare up at the ceiling. Why can’t Alyssa see what she’s doing to me? I’m getting close to breaking down when something catches my eye out on the balcony. Cautiously, I get off the bed and walk over to the sliding door. I blink rapidly, making sure my eyes aren’t playing tricks on me, but there’s Alyssa curled up in my sweatshirt sitting with her legs crossed on my balcony. I open the door, causing Alyssa to turn around quickly and a smile plays at her lips.

“Hey…I was starting to think you weren’t coming…” She says softly.

“I’m not going to lie…I thought about it.” I respond as I step through the door and shut it behind me. Alyssa gently pats the spot next to her and I sit down beside her, letting my feet stretch out in front of me.

“Trace agreed to watch Cadence for the night…” Alyssa states.

I make a mental note to thank Trace for everything he’s done for Cadence. “That’s nice of him…”

“Yeah it was…” Alyssa looks up towards the sky with a dreamy expression before continuing. “Your show was fantastic Justin…I really am proud of you.”

“Thank you…”

“Remember all those rehearsals back in California…I can’t believe it’s the same show.”

I rub my hand across the back of my neck before responding. “It’s definitely come a long way. I’m glad that you were able to see some of those shows…it means a lot to have you and Cadence there supporting me.”

Alyssa turns to look at me and lets a smile light up her face. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else Justin.”

The silence that falls almost immediately around us is starting to weight heavily on my nerves. My head is practically screaming out questions and I’m trying hard to suppress them. I mean, she’s here at the hotel now that’s got to mean something. The cool night wind whips around the building and it sifts through Alyssa’s long blonde hair. She reaches up and tucks it behind her ears before letting her fingers intertwine and fall around her knees again.

“So…what are you really doing here Alyssa? I mean, that morning waking up and realizing you were gone…it nearly broke me. I got completely caught up in you, in us, in our family and you just left.” I explain while feeling the nerves pool in my stomach. Alyssa shifts her body so that she’s facing me and looks up at me with her blue eyes and I can see the regret lying deep within them.

“I couldn’t possibly apologize enough for leaving you that morning, the way that I did. I know I hurt you and I hurt Cadence too…but I was so confused Justin. I needed time away from everything…I needed to figure out where my heart lies. I know that doesn’t justify or make up for what happened but I want you to know the truth.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me that? Why leave me a note and then never return any of my calls?” I ask.

“Even if I waited until you were awake to tell you I was leaving…it wouldn’t have gone over any better than the note did. I couldn’t wait…I couldn’t watch you lie there looking so peaceful and beautiful and still leave. If I didn’t leave then, I don’t think I ever would’ve and I wouldn’t be where I am now…I wouldn’t have figured out what it is that I really want.”

“And that is?” My body is practically on high alert and I’m completely in tuned to her actions. I hear her take a deep breath before looking me straight in the eyes.

“When I left Justin…I didn’t go back to my house…I actually went to my parent’s house. I needed a break from everyone and everything that I was use too. I wanted to be able to just clear my head and really think. I don’t think you understand that what happened that night really shook me up because I wanted it just as bad if not more than you.” She explains while nervously shaking her hands at the same time. I can tell it’s hard for her to say all of this and I’m just trying to listen and really understand what happened between us. “There’s just something about being with you that pulls at me. No matter what happens in life, I always end up back with you. I’ve been trying to make sense of that.”

Just then my cell phone ring breaks into Alyssa’s confession and I mentally scold myself for leaving that thing on. I reach into my pockets and answer the phone when I see that Trace is calling.

“Hey man, what’s up?”

“Dude…something’s wrong with Cadence.” He says and my heart practically falls to my feet. I feel a panic take over my body and I completely forget about what Alyssa’s here to talk about.

“What’s going on?” I almost yell into the phone and stand up preparing to rush down to his room.

“She won’t stop crying…I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried giving her a bottle and she doesn’t want it. I’ve changed her, rocked her, tried to put her to sleep…and something’s wrong Justin…I don’t know.”

“I’ll be right there…” I say shutting my phone and getting up in such a rush that I left Alyssa sitting there on the balcony completely clueless.

Alyssa runs into the room, just as I’m about to open the door and head to Trace’s.
“Justin…what’s wrong?” She yells and halts me in step.

“Something’s wrong with Cadence.” I state and Alyssa is by my side in a heartbeat, almost pushing me over as we both sprint down to Trace’s room.

We pound on the door and I can faintly hear Cadence’s cries. My heart is breaking and I Alyssa is gripping my hand so tight that I might lose my fingers. Finally, Trace opens the door and there’s my baby girl wailing her little lungs out. Immediately, I grab her from his grasp and cuddle her close to my chest.

“Shh…baby girl…mommy and daddy are here…” I coo at her and she continues to fuss in my arms, letting out all the air that is in her lungs.

Alyssa is right by my side rubbing her hand up and down Cadence’s back, trying to calm her. “Her face is so flushed…” Alyssa states and then puts the back of her hand against Cadence’s forehead. “She’s burning up…”

Panic is practically taking over my entire body…Cadence hasn’t ever been sick before and I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing that can ever compare to the feeling of knowing your child is sick.

“Take her sweatshirt off and loosen that blanket around her. We have to cool her down.” Alyssa starts barking out orders as she walks into the bathroom. Immediately, I start to pull off all the extra layers while trying to comfort Cadence at the same time. Alyssa returns a few seconds later with a cool washcloth and puts it around Cadence’s neck. Trace looks like he’s going to freak out any second.

“She’ll be ok…” Alyssa tells Trace and he just numbly nods his head.

“We should really get her to bed…she needs to sleep off whatever bug she has…” Alyssa states before gathering Cadence’s things that are strewed around Trace’s room.

Trace looks on like he’s about to throw up and I can tell he feels like he did something wrong to hurt Cadence. Alyssa looks up at Trace and pulls him into a quick hug. “Don’t worry…she’s just sick. She’ll be better in a few days.”

“I’m sorry you guys…I just didn’t know what else to do.” He says while running a hand across the back of his neck.

“Don’t worry…we’re going to go put her to bed. Thank you for watching her.” Alyssa says before the three of us exit Trace’s room and walk back to my room. I know it’s just a cold but there’s nothing worse than watching your kids hurt…it tugs at your heart.

Together we set up a bed for Cadence and made sure to tend to her every second, watching and monitoring her fever throughout the night. Together we sat up most of the night, taking turns checking on Cadence and talking about anything and everything, except the reason we were talking to begin with. When something happens to your children, you put their well-being in front of yourselves and that’s what we’re doing. Whatever it is Alyssa wants to tell me, can wait. Tonight, it’s all about making sure Cadence’s fever breaks and that she gets the rest she needs. I guess I really am becoming a father.

My eyes open with heaviness and my body feels drained. My head is clouded over with confusion to the point where I can barely remember what city I'm in. My limbs ache when I try to move and it's in that moment that I realize Alyssa's pinned my arms to the bed. Knowing, she's sleeping next to me brings a smile to my face. I think back to last night's events and I feel the butterflies start in my stomach. Having her here makes me realize how much I miss her. I miss her smile, her laugh, her touch and most importantly her support. I feel whole when she's by my side and it hurts all the while knowing the heartache she brings each time.

Quietly, I slip away from her arms and get up to check on my baby girl. Softly, I approach Cadence's crib and notice she's sleeping soundly. I lay my hand on her cheek making sure her temperature is back to normal and say a small prayer when I realize she'll be just fine. Deciding I needed some fresh air, I walk out onto the balcony making sure to pull the door closed behind me.

The cool air whips around the building and it rejuvenates my entire being. This tour has been physically and emotionally draining and tomorrow, I finally fly back home to California. Alyssa and I really need to talk and I'm sure Cadence's whereabouts will be on the agenda. Selfishly, I wish I could take Cadence with me forever and it pains me to know we have to split time with her. I certainly don't want to take Cadence away from Alyssa but at the same time, I don't want to be without my baby. Our situation is so fucking difficult.

A cool breeze brushes against my face and I nestle deeper into my sweatshirt. Rarely do I ever take the time to just enjoy the scenery around me. The sun is shining brightly through the clouds and the breeze makes for a beautiful crisp autumn morning. Even the trees have started to turn their various shades of red, orange and yellow. I guess living in California has desensitized me to the seasons and being out of that bubble gives me a whole new appreciation.

Suddenly my cell phone starts to vibrate, breaking me from my thoughts and I reach into my pocket to answer whoever’s calling.

“What’s up Johnny?” I say while leaning up against the railing.

“Hey Justin…listen, I just wanted to touch base with you about tonight and then tomorrow morning.”

I fold one of my arms into the other and listen intently to Johnny. “Shoot man…”

“The whole crew is getting together at Drink downtown to celebrate the tour and I expect you’ll be there. I know Alyssa’s in town and she’s more than welcome to come along. Also, I have you on the first flight out tomorrow at nine o’clock sharp.”

“All right, that sounds good. What time tonight?” I ask as I approach the sliding door to enter the room again.

“Ten o’clock…”

“Cool…I’ll see ya later Johnny.” I say before closing my phone and tucking it back into my pocket. Smoothly, I open the door and walk back into the hotel room. Alyssa’s sitting upright on the bed and her hair is tied back loosely in a pony tail. She’s slipped into one of my sweatshirts and her legs are tucked up beside her.

“Morning…” I say while checking on Cadence and lifting her out of her crib, once I see she’s awake.

“Good morning…” She responds with sleep laced through her voice.

“How’d you sleep?” I ask as I position Cadence into a sitting position in my arms.

“Pretty well once we actually went to bed. I’m definitely a little tired from watching her all night. How’s she doing this morning?”

I run my hands over Cadence’s face and she looks up at me with a goofy smile. “Better! Her fever’s broke but I think she has a small cough. I’m sure in a couple days, she’ll be back to giving us hell.” I say while tickling Cadence’s side and giving her a raspberry on her neck.

Alyssa laughs along with Cadence before she gets up from the bed. “So what are you doing today?” She asks while rummaging through her bag for some clothes.

“I was planning on just spending the day with Cadence and you. Tonight is the wrap-up party at a club downtown.”

“Oh, I see…” She responds with a hint of disappointment.

“I was hoping you’d come with…I’m sure Mike would love to watch Cadence again. He might not admit it…but I know he enjoys the time with her.”

“I don’t know Justin…maybe you should just spend the time with your crew. I mean this is your time to celebrate.”

I brush her response off with a wave of my hand. “Nonsense…I’d love for you to come.”

Alyssa looks at me with uneasiness in her eyes but reluctantly agrees to accompany me tonight. Clearly, I’d rather spend the night alone with Alyssa but this wrap-up party has been planned for months and I can’t bail on my friends. I just hope Alyssa is ready to let loose and have a good time tonight.

________________________________________________________________________

Tucking my shirt into my jeans, I re-position my tie one last time and smooth my hands down my side. I’ve checked myself over in the mirror at least a hundred times and I don’t really know why. I think it’s a nervous habit of mine…I’m not really all that into the party tonight, considering Alyssa and I have to talk before I leave tomorrow. Ahh…tomorrow that makes my stomach churn in the most unpleasant ways. It sucks just thinking about leaving my girls behind…this situation blows.

Thankfully, a knock on the door interrupts these thoughts and I walk over to answer it. Pulling the door open, Alyssa is standing there in a pair of jeans, heels and a flowy purple top. Her hair is curled perfectly around her head and a pair of sunglasses is perched on top of her head.

“What’s with the sunglasses? It’s ten o’clock.” I ask while opening the door further for her to pass through.

“What? They went with my outfit…” She responds smartly before pulling them down over her eyes. She gives a pose and sticks out her lips for affect.

I roll my eyes before walking towards her and pulling them off her face. “Don’t cover your eyes…they’re beautiful.”

I feel Alyssa tense slightly underneath my touch and the tension between us is practically choking me. I want nothing more than to say fuck the party…let’s have our own one right now but she shifts her weight on her feet before pulling away and breaking the moment.

Alyssa coughs slightly before asking, “Are you ready to go?”

I shake my head gently and quickly gather a couple things before leading her out of the room. Instinctively, my hand falls to the small of her back and together we walk out of the room, letting go of everything and ready for a good night together.

The ride to the club went quickly and we could feel the bass pulsating out of the doors the minute we stepped out of the car. Cautiously, Alyssa slipped her hand into mine and I latched on with every emotion and feeling I could muster.

Walking into the club, my eyes dart from side to side and through the sea of familiar faces. The room seems to be bouncing to the beat of the song and every person has a drink firmly in their hands. Alyssa tugs slightly on my hand and pulls me with towards the bar.

“What do you want?” She yells over the music.

“Miller…” I say while leaning in and the smell of vanilla attacks my nose and I find myself lingering longer than normal. She looks up at me with a weird expression before practically bursting out in laughter.

“Smooth Justin… real smooth.” She chuckles before waving down the bartender and handing me a beer.

I feel a blush creep into my cheeks, knowing full well I was busted. Taking a gulp of my beer, I scan the crowd before deciding on heading upstairs where Johnny’s perched on some chairs. Alyssa tucks in behind me and we weave through the sea of dancing bodies.

“Hey man…glad you could make it…” Johnny says before giving me a hug and then turns his attention to Alyssa. “Alyssa, always a pleasure…”

“Thanks for inviting me Johnny…”

“No problem sweetie…how’s Cadence doing?”

“She’s getting so big…she’ll be walking and talking in no time.” Alyssa answers like any proud mother boasts about their children.

“That’s when the fun begins.”

I nod my head in agreement and get lost in the conversation with Johnny. The three of us talked about our children and the tour. I must admit, even though I was dreading coming out tonight…it’s turning out to be quite enjoyable. Various members from the crew have stopped by to congratulate me on a successful tour and it's awesome to have this chapter in my life come to such a happy end. On top of everything else, Alyssa’s been by my side the entire night, keeping up with me in drinks as well as out on the dance floor. I was quite surprised when she busted out some moves, I certainly wasn’t expecting.

Now, we’re sitting together on the couch and Alyssa’s leg is draped over one of mine. I feel a heavy cloud cover my senses and I know it’s the beer finally catching up to me. Suddenly, Ne-Yo’s song “Make it Work” busts through the speakers of the club and Alyssa practically jumps off the couch.

“I love this song…come on let’s dance.” She says before dragging me down the stairs towards the crowd.

Just as the lyrics kick in, she pulls me close and starts to sway with the smooth beats. She’s grinding her body up into mine and my hands wrap around her waist, pulling her closer. I’m trying to focus all of my attention on the woman in front of me, but I find myself getting carried away with the song too. It’s surprisingly fitting for the situation we’re currently in.

You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately that’s enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real I’ve seen
Sure, everyone has their problems
Thats a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...


Alyssa wraps her arms around my neck, closing the distance between us. Her body is moving in rhythm with the song and my hands roam up and down her sides. Warning bells are going off in my head, but stupidly I push them aside continuing to enjoy our compromising position. I can feel the heat radiating off her body and the smell of vanilla perfume attacks my nose. My hand runs up her side and tangles itself in her hair. Her luscious locks cover my fingers and I pull her so that she’s looking me straight in the eye. I want her to see the raw passion and love I have for her. I want her to know without a shadow of a doubt how I feel about her.

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...


Our eyes have been locked for a long time and I can feel my body reacting to all of her bumps and grinds up on me. The combination of alcohol and dancing has brought my mind into a haze and the only thing I can concentrate on is Alyssa.

Sometimes I love you
More than you'll ever know
Other times you get on my nerves
That's just reality
No, it can't always be
Kisses, hugs, and beautiful words

You was looking for your prince
What you found,
Is a pauper with potential
And though, I’m nowhere near perfect..
But I’m around
Girl, time and patience is essential
Baby realize...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (guess sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...


The smooth beats of Ne-Yo’s song fade into the background and soon the thumping bass of Ludacris is taking over the room. I can feel the bubble surrounding us start to crack and our moment slide away. Alyssa stands on her tip toes before wrapping her arms around my neck, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek.

"I'm going to head back to the hotel...I'm getting tired and I think all the beer is catching up."

“I’ll come with…” I say quickly and she just stops me before I can even continue.

“No, it’s your party…enjoy it. I’ll be in the room with Cadence. I’ll see you later Justin. Oh, one more thing, I am so proud of you…the tour…the man that you are…and most importantly the father of my daughter.” She says just loud enough so I can hear her over the music and I’m left watching her walk out the door. That woman knows exactly when to turn it on and off and she keeps me guessing. She keeps me on my toes and I love that.
________________________________________________________________________

Quietly, I open the door to my hotel room, making sure I don’t disturb Alyssa and Cadence. It’s almost three in the morning and I’m completely wiped out. Thank the lord; I have the next couple months off to just spend time with my daughter because I definitely need it. Cautiously, I step over my luggage I left strewn about all over the floor and approach the bed where I can see the outline of a sleeping Alyssa. I rid myself of my clothes and slip underneath the covers with my boxers on. I wrap my arms around Alyssa’s waist and pull her closer to me. Her face is completely content and her hair is sprawled out all over the pillows. Her eyelashes are tickling her cheeks and her lips are puffed slightly. She looks absolutely beautiful and I want nothing more than to make her mine, to complete our family and know the three of us will be together forever. I’d give anything for her to say she loves me and that we belong together. I need to know where her heart lies, whether it’s with me or Ryan and I need to know before I leave tomorrow.

The shrieking sound of the alarm clock jarred me from my sleep almost an hour ago. After nursing the pounding headache and eating some breakfast, it was about time I start collecting my things for my return to California. I’ve been able to occupy the awkward silences and noticeable tension in the room with shoving clothes into my suitcases. Alyssa’s playing with Cadence while I pack and we’ve both been doing a great job avoiding the inevitable conversation.

After getting in last night, I laid awake for a while just watching Alyssa sleep. She looked so serene and I wanted to remember that moment for the rest of my life. Her hair strewn about the pillow and the blankets tucked up under her arms. Her legs intertwined with mine and hand lying softly across my chest. I’ll always remember that moment because it’s when I feel in love with her all over again. I did a lot of thinking and I realized just how much our paths have always crossed and that no matter what obstacles come our way, we always find our way back to one another. Cadence will forever be the one bond that we share but I want more, I need more. I want to be the man she turns to for comfort, for support for strength. I want to be the one waking up next to her each morning, watching our daughter grow, going to dance lessons and volleyball games together, and saying I love you before falling asleep in one another’s arms. I want that “perfect” family.

All those thoughts swirled through my head last night and I’m absolutely dreading leaving today. I know Alyssa has a lot she wants to talk about but deep down, I sense it’s not going to be good news. I think that is why I’ve distracted myself by folding and re-folding my clothes at least fifty times. I don’t want her or anything else to burst this bubble I’ve been in. But I’m down to my last suitcase and I’m running out of distractions.

“Justin…” She calls out while re-positioning Cadence in her lap.

“Yeah?” I call back but don’t take my eyes off my latest conquest. I’m working on getting this t-shirt to fit into a tiny hole as big as a baseball.

“Come sit down…” She says softly.

My stomach drops and my hands grip tighter onto the flimsy t-shirt. I slowly stand up and let my distraction fall to the floor. With my stomach in my throat, I slide onto the bed facing Alyssa.

“We should probably talk…considering you’re leaving in a couple hours.” Alyssa says nervously.

I nod my head but refuse to say anything.

“I don’t really know where to start…there’s a lot.” She says and wraps her arms around Cadence who’s snuggling into her chest. “Maybe, I should start from the beginning?”

“If it helps…”

“Ok…” She starts before stopping and taking a deep breath. I can tell she’s nervous and in some weird way, it actually calms me. “You know the other night when I told you I was living with my parents?”

“Yeah.” I say recalling our conversation a couple days ago before Cadence got sick.

“I never really go to explain why…there are a couple reasons.” She takes a deep breath preparing to unleash everything.

The uncertainty registers on my face and I nod my head, hoping she’ll continue.

“I’ve been living with them because I just needed some time for myself…I was looking to find myself and re-connect with what I want out of life. I mean, God has given me this beautiful, healthy baby girl and I feel selfish at the same time because here I am running away and taking me time, when in reality I should just be focusing on Cadence.”

“Everyone needs alone time Alyssa. There’s nothing wrong with that.” I say before stretching my legs out in front of me. I’m trying to be supportive and push my skepticism aside.

“I know, but I feel like I’ve let her down. I’ve been so busy thinking about myself that I was losing sight of what’s best for the both of us…or maybe I should say the three of us. My mom helped put it all in perspective one night and you know what, the next night I was on a plane to find you.”

The butterflies start in my stomach and the nervous energy is being replaced with confusion and excitement at the same time.

“I was having a really hard time dealing with our night we slept together because I felt everything deep inside my heart.” She explains before tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “My mom could sense something was wrong the minute I got there with my bags. I can’t even tell you how many times I cried over those couple weeks because I realized just what I’d done. Finally, I told my mom everything…every feeling, fear, dream and hope…she just sat there and listened. She let me cry on her shoulder and told me that everything would be all right. It was then when I explained everything to my mom that I realized why I was so confused to begin with. Everything boiled down to you…every feeling, fear, dream and hope was you.”

“I don’t understand…”

“I didn’t either until my mom put it in perspective with one simple question…” Alyssa explains before gently rubbing her hand across Cadence’s head. “She asked me why I was marrying Ryan when I was in love with you.”

“What?” I manage to squeak out. Only, I would respond with that.

Alyssa smiles slightly before continuing. “I said…I’m in love with you…head over heels, butterflies in my stomach love with you. Justin, you’ve had my heart all along and it just took me a little longer to realize what I had right in front of me. I want to give us a chance to be a real family…”

A smile stretches across my face so wide that I feel like my face just might crack at any moment. “What about Ryan?” I ask before sitting up.

“I explained everything to him and told him I couldn’t marry him when my heart belonged to another man.”

I can feel my heart beating hard in my chest and I can’t believe after all this time, she’s in love with me. I lean forward and take her head in between my hands before laying a soft kiss on her lips. I’ve waited for this moment for so long, I was starting to think it might not ever happen. Before the situation can get any more carried away, Alyssa breaks the contact and pulls her head back.

“Justin, there’s another reason I’ve been living with my parents these last few weeks…”

My eyes are wide before I ask, “Why?”

“I sold my house…”

“You sold your house? Why?” I ask completely shocked.

“You don’t really think I’m going to let the two people I love most in my life live in California while I sit in North Carolina, do you?”

I lean over and cup my hands around Alyssa’s cheeks again. “You’re moving out to California?”

“Yeah…but I might need some help finding an apartment though…”

“Oh, I think I can arrange that…” I answer before pulling her face towards mine and capturing her lips once again. I feel like I’m floating on cloud nine…I’ve waited for so long and been through so many ups and downs with Alyssa. That it’s about fucking time…

“Da-Da…” A tiny voice calls out, halting my movements and abruptly pulling me away from Alyssa.

Alyssa looks at me with shock covering her entire face. Both of us are completely caught off guard and we both look towards Cadence before I reach and pull her up towards me.

“What’d you say Cadence?”

She lets out a squeal before clapping her hands wildly together and repeating, “Da-da”

My heart is beating so fast that I’m surprised it doesn’t burst out of my chest. A strong sense of love and pride surge through my body and I hug my daughter tightly to my chest.

“Oh my God Justin…she just said her first word…she just called out for you.”

I can feel my eyes cloud over with tears and I wrap Cadence tightly against my chest. Alyssa has tears running down her face and quickly slips her arms around the two of us. The three of us just sit there holding each other and bonding as a family. This is how it’s supposed to be from now on, until forever…my two girls and I.

I’d like to start out by saying that life is anything but predictable; but it sure is one hell of a ride. I bet you’re wondering what has happened since that fateful day in the hotel room. I still remember that moment like it was yesterday. Learning that the one woman who sets my heart on fire returns my feelings and hearing my daughter say her first words, I can’t even begin to explain the emotions that coursed through my heart that day. Everything fell into place that morning and I’ve been floating on cloud nine ever since.

It’s been over a year since Alyssa rang true to her promise and moved out to California. We found her an apartment near my house, even though I tried to convince her to move in with me, but she refused. She wanted us to go through any other normal dating period and I guess living together wouldn’t really qualify as normal right out of the gate. As for her career, Alyssa has settled into being an event planner for a local promotions company. Even though, she misses North Carolina I know California is starting to grow on her.

As for Cadence, she has grown so big over the past year and she’s a little devil on her feet. She’s walking and talking now and quite the looker. She’s just as beautiful as her mother; which might be a bit of a problem for me. Cadence is my baby and I can guarantee I will be the overprotective father when she gets older. I’m hoping I can control myself and not put a tracking device in her car like Hulk Hogan did to his sixteen year old daughter when she went out on her first date, but I’m not making any promises. Thankfully though, I have a long time before the boys come knocking on my door.

As for me, well I can’t ask for anything more. I have a healthy little girl, a wonderful girlfriend, a successful career and more love than most people could ever experience in their lifetime. However, there is one thing I still have left to do and I’ve been planning this since the day Alyssa moved out to California.

“Cadence, sweetie...” I call out to my daughter whose playing with her toys in the living room. “Can you clean up your toys…mommy’s going to be here soon and we need to be ready.” I say while crouching down towards her level.

Cadence looks up at me with her big blue eyes before rounding up all of her dolls. She gathers all of her dolls in her tiny arms before standing up on her feet and waddling down towards her room. Did I forget to mention that she’s the most well behaved little girl ever? I attribute that characteristic to me being her father. I smile at her retreating form before following her down the hallways towards her bedroom.

Quietly, Cadence is putting the dolls away in her toy chest when I walk in. She turns to look at me before walking over and reaching her hands up towards the sky. I reach down and lift her into my arms.

“Daddy…where mommy?” She asks in that voice that only a child can produce and melt your heart.

“She’s coming home from work…she’ll be here any second.” I say before running my hand over her soft long blond hair.

“Good…I’m ready…see.” She says before lifting her sweatshirt up and producing the t-shirt I just had made for her.

I smile at Cadence’s antics and give her a big kiss on the cheek. “I really need you to help Daddy tonight…you ready to be my assistant?”

“I be your asitant Daddy…” She proudly agrees before the door finally opens and we both hear Alyssa call out for us.

I push my hand into the air and Cadence swiftly gives me a high five before I set her down on the ground. Quickly, I pull her sweatshirt back down, covering the t-shirt and Cadence takes off down the hallways towards Alyssa.

I stand a take a deep breath before following my little girl out of the room, towards the one woman who completes everything that I am and ever will be.


Alyssa and I have finally returned to my house after enjoying a nice, quiet romantic dinner. Our hands are intertwined and she’s running her hand up and down the length of my arm. The shivers run down my spine at her touch and I know for the rest of my life, she’s the only one that will ever ignite that spark. Slowly, I open the door and allow my hand to fall to the small of her back while following her into the living room. Before Alyssa can get ahead of me and walk towards Cadence’s room, I pull her back and wrap my arms around her waist pulling her flush against my chest.

“I love you…” I say before gently pushing my lips to hers.

Alyssa’s arms wrap around my torso and she softly returns my kiss before pulling away. “I love you too Justin…”

The two of us just stand there in each other’s arms, enjoying the moment. She lays her head gently on my chest and her vanilla perfume attacks my nose. I take a deep breath before laying a kiss on the top of her head. She looks up at me with a smile on her face before she unravels herself from my hold and starts walking towards Cadence’s room. A smile takes over my face because I can’t wait to see her reaction once she sees what Cadence and my mom helped me plan.

I’m not more than a few steps behind Alyssa when she opens the door to Cadence’s bedroom. Her mouth drops open and I slip my hands on her waist before guiding her into the room.

“Justin, what is this?” She whispers, careful not to wake a sleeping Cadence.

“This is my surprise…” I say while looking around at all of the roses lining Cadence’s room.

“How many are there?” She asks before walking up to Cadence’s bed.

“Five dozen…” I answer before she leans over Cadence’s bed and bends down to give her a kiss. However, Alyssa’s body halts mid-bend and her hand rises to cover her mouth. She turns to look at me with tears clouding her eyes and I step up next to her before bending down on one knee. Carefully, I slip the necklace off Cadence’s neck and take the shiny ring off the chain.

“Alyssa…” I start before stopping and taking a deep breath. “I love you with all of my heart and nothing would make me happier than being with you for the rest of my life. So Cadence and I have something to ask you…” I say shakily, I’m trying to keep myself under control but the feelings are so strong and they’re practically consuming my entire being.

“Cadence…honey…” I whisper and my little girl starts to stir. She rubs her hands over her eyes and she lets out a yawn.

“You ready?” I ask and she nods her head.

I help Cadence slip the sweatshirt that was previously guarding my secret off her tiny body and reveals a plain white t-shirt with writing that makes Alyssa gasp. I reach for Alyssa’s hand before Cadence proudly asks.

“Will you marry my daddy?”

Alyssa has tears running down her cheeks and I slip the ring over her finger just as she happily agrees. I can feel my heart pounding and I’ve never felt more complete in my entire life. We are finally going to be the family I knew we could be.

“Yes…yes….I’ll marry you.” Alyssa repeats before wrapping her arms around my neck and laying kiss after kiss across my lips.

“I love you so much…” I say in between kisses.

“I love you too Justin, now until forever.”