Diary of an Affair
Joshua and Gwen Chasez

How did this happen to me?

How could this happen to us?

I'll be asking myself that for the rest of my life. Joshua and I met when I was very young. He was 23 and I had just turned 18. My friends and I went out to a bar one night. I wasn't old enough to get into a bar, obviously, but I had looked 22 since I was 14, so I was a pro at sticking my ample chest out and looking cute to get my way. We were sitting at the bar when I looked across the room and saw this, gorgeous man. I mean he was tall, dark, and handsome with these eyes that you could pick out across the world if you needed to.

I just remember being at the pool table with my buddies, and looking up for the waitress and seeing this... woman, sitting at the bar smiling. She was this pretty brunette and I could hear her laugh across the room. She had this body, hidden in this little black dress and when she looked at me the whole room froze.

He was looking back at me and he just smiled this smile and I thought I was going to die right then and there. Well, he saw me looking at him and he came strolling up to me and leaned his elbow on the counter and gave me the smoothest line.

He said, "Gorgeous, please tell me you're an EMT."

Stupidly, Gwen walked right into it.

"Why?"

"I'm pretty sure I need one."

And again, she walk right into it.

"What makes you think that?"

"Because as soon as I saw you, my heart skipped a beat."

All right it's not the smoothest line, but I thought it was hilarious, and corny, and cheesy and showed his sense of humor. He offered to buy me a drink and before I could say yes my friend next to me jumped in and said, "She's not 21. She just turned 18. I'm 21 though, I'm older than her. My birthday was a couple of days ago."

You know, I never really liked her anyways. I wanted to smack her so hard, I thought for sure she had just ruined my chances with this guy. I was thinking, "How could you put that out there like that?!" I was waiting for him to hightail it outta there.

I wasn't quite sure what to do at that point. Part of me was wondering if it was a joke, I mean, how could all that belong to an 18 year old? Then I was hoping she wouldn't ask me my age, cause I didn't want her to think I was some kind of pervert, even though I was thinking some pretty perverted things about her. I tried to play it off, because what guy doesn't want to look like Mr. Smooth? By the time she told me her name was Gwen, I was gone.

Instead, he looked at me in the most adorible, confused way and he said, "Really? I had it the other way around. I would have thought she was 21 and, since you were with her, I assumed you were of age too." I'll never forget the look on my friends face. She was so upset, and he looked so good smiling charmingly at her.

Anyways, he bought me a non-alcoholic drink and we stayed there all night talking until the bar closed. Then it turned into taking a walk, which turned into 4am, which turned into breakfast, which turned into lunch. I just instantly was in love with him. He was a musician and he was so charasmatic. He had this way of talking that made you believe anything he had to say. He was melodic and addictive. It was like being put into a trance listening to him and I just thought he was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen in my life.

I knew instantly that I was going to marry him. It was love at first sight, I said to myself that night, "I'm going to marry this man." And I did, 10 months later.

I was petrified about asking her to marry me. I was sweating bullets for weeks. All my friends thought it was funny. I was just nervous because we'd known eachother less than a year. I didn't know if she was ready. I was worried that she had figured out what I already knew, she was too good for me.

One weekend we went on a skiing trip, to Aspen. I wanted to go all out, because I knew we would remember this moment for the rest of our lives. It was late one night, we'd goin out to dinner, and we were just taking a stroll around our cabin. She was all dressed up, looking real pretty, and I got down on my knee in the snow.

"Gwen," his eyes stared up at her, somewhat confident, somewhat fearful, "These past eight months with you have been the most amazing of my life. You brought out the man I had always wanted to be, but never could quite be. We share a bond that no one in this world has ever known, and it can never be measured or paralleled. You make each day just alittle bit better and brighter than the last. I started living when you came into my life, and I can't bare the thought that you'll ever leave me. So Gwen, complete my life. Make me the happiest man in the world, and say you'll marry me?"

Gwen's brown eyes glossed over as she peered down at the man kneeling before her, and the diamond ring he was holding just infront of her ring finger. It took a moment for everything to register, for all the words to process in her mind, but when it finally did, she shrieked with joy.

"I don't know what to say!"

"Well say something soon, my knee is freezing." They were in the snow after all.

"Yes!" she cried with a smile. "Ofcourse, yes."

It was spectacular. I was young, 19 at the time and all I had ever dreamed of was that fairy princess wedding and he gave it to me. He said that he wanted whatever would make me smile so I had the big white gown and the white shoes and the 200 guests and everything I could possible want. He took me to the British Virgin Islands on our honeymoon and it was the most spectacular thing. It was magical being on that island with this man that I loved so much, who loved me so much. I didn't think that life could get any better and I just remember thinking that I didn't want anything to ever change. I didn't want to get older, I didn't want us to do anything other than lay around that island and make love and hold eachother and just be the happy newlyweds that we were.

It was about 6 months after we got back from the honeymoon. We were still newlyweds and we were still crazy and kind of on that annoying high that people have when they're in love and they're all glowy and giggly and 'no I love you more' 'no I love you more' and were grossing everyone else around us out but we had been together alittle bit and we were about half settled into married life. One day, I just got sick. I started getting headaches and numbness and I wasn't quite feeling myself.

It finally got to the point where she was just waking up places. She'd wake-up in the living room at 2am. One time she woke-up in her car, sitting on the side of the freeway. She didn't know how she'd gotten there, or how long she'd been there. Her voice when she called me was just, pure fear. She was scared. And I was scared too, she was my wife. I didn't want anything in the world to ever happen to her.

The whole thing was like a dream. You don't understand anything about it, you're just going through it hoping you wake-up soon. It was scary, it was petrifying. Joshua took me to the doctor and they said it was epilepsy.

I was put on medication, and my body kind of shut down. The medication made me gain weight. I went from being about 180lbs, being a normal, shapely woman, and shot up to well over 300lbs, close to 400lbs. I couldn't walk, I couldn't feed myself, I couldn't do anything. All the pressure was put on Joshua. All of the shopping, the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, all of the day to day that I had been doing before so that he could focus on his music career was on him and he had to take care of me at the same time. But he stood by me the whole time. He always took care of me.

I, on the other hand, was growing really depressed. I had always been pretty independant. I loved him, but I hated that he had to take care of me so much. I felt like a purden on him. I hated the way I looked, when I could see myself in a mirror. I wanted to break down in tears, I just hated the sight of myself. I thought I was ugly and disgusting. I remember sitting down with all of my pills, it must have added up to be 200+ pills, and a bottle of Jack Daniels and kind of, comtemplated. I thought, "It'll only take a moment. The swallowing will be painless and once I do it'll only take a moment for all of it to overtake me and I'll be done. I don't have to be like this anymore."

I had been sitting there for a good hour or so when Joshua came in. He walked through the door and dropped his keys and his stuff down and looked up into the room where I was and instantly froze. I saw all the blood drain out of his face and he was staring at me and his mouth was hanging open and he was just shocked. Now I can understand it, I would be too, to see my spouse sitting there with these things in their lap.

He started walking towards me very slowly and he said, "That's not the answer. That's not going to solve anything for anyone, that's not it. You're stronger than this." He told me he loved me and not to give up.

It was very obvious that she was not handling this as well as I and everyone else had thought. Something had to change, something had to give for her, or she wasn't going to be here much longer. She was at the point where she had had enough.

I called my doctor and told her that something had to change. I'm not happy like this, I can't live my life like this. Something bad was going to happen, if something didn't change very soon. She changed my medication and one of the side affects was said to be rapid weight loss. I started feeling better, people were saying I looked better and I was so excited. I had a whole new outlook on my life. I remember I would show my husband every couple days, "Look honey, look. I've lost so much weight. This is unreal! I'm a size smaller. I can do this, I can do that. I can get up on my own. I can go for a walk, blah blah blah blah."

My whole self-image changed. I changed the way I looked, my confidence went up and I was so excited to get back to the life we had known. I was almost 21 now, he was almost 26. I was just so excited to get back to everything the way it used to be before when we were young and on that island it was pure love and that was all that we knew.

Joshua and I hadn't been intimate in a long time and I was anxious to get that aspect of our relationship back. I remember hugging him, or kissing him, or trying to inniciate intimate contact and he was unresponsive. I didn't feel like he didn't love me, or wasn't somewhat attracted to me, but he was wasn't interested in being with me, or anything sexual that I had to offer. I didn't understand. I was like, "I'm back. This is the woman you knew. This is the woman we both wanted me to be. But you're pushing me away, you're busy, you have other things to do." I couldn't quite fathum what was going on and I didn't understand what was happening between us and that tends to be a bad mixture between people.

It was hard for me to switch gears and go back the other way. I had almost been her parent instead of her lover and husband for so long. The chemistry between us had changed. It hadn't disappeared. I don't think the chemistry between us was ever completely gone, but it was different at the time and neither of us really knew what that meant or how to fix it.

One night I decided it was going to be THE night. I went out and bought this sexy, short, tight, see-through, lace and ribbon nighty. I thought I looked so good, and when he came home I had it on. He came in and looked at me and said, "That's nice honey. That's pretty. That's a nice outfit. That's a nice song you have playing, I like this song." And he kissed me on the cheek and went back downstairs, and never came back.

The outfit didn't really have that big of an impact on me. I was still confused, and didn't know what to think about anything. I had been spending alot of time on our computer, on the internet. There were chatrooms and groups for people like me. Spouses who had been incharge of taking care of their spouses for a long time. I met a woman on there, and we developed a friendship. Soon after it went from being an online thing to an over the phone thing.

One day Gwen and I were in the car when she called my cellphone.

"Hi honey," the cheerful woman sang into the phone.

"Hi."

"What are you doing? You busy?"

Joshua opened his mouth to reply, sneeking a look at his wife from the corner of his eye. He had hoped that his voice sounded completely normal, and that he didn't appear nervous or caught offguard in the least bit. Such was not the case. He wasn't as smooth as he needed to be at that moment, because it was apparent by the look on Gwen's face that she could hear the feminine voice at the other end of the line crystal clear, and she wasn't pleased.

"Um. No I uh, I'm not busy. Actually yes, yes I am. Very busy."

He could see her folding her arms over her chest as her eyes narrowed on his profile.

"Josh are you okay? You sound funny."

"Um, well, I-."

"Is your wife with you? Do I need to call you back later honey?"

"Later? Yes, later would be a good idea."

When I got off the phone Gwen and I got into this huge fight. She was accusing me of cheating and I was telling her it wasn't what she was thinking. It was a woman who lived in the neighboring state, and we had never met. But it still was what she was thinking, regardless. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't have any feelings or emotional attachment to that woman, because I did. She was filling the void I felt Gwen had left behind.

She was older, and independant the way Gwen had been before. She looked at things from my point of view and understood where I was and what I wanted. She was everything that I thought I needed, and I was blinded by that. I wasn't able to see how this impacted my wife.

I felt unloved and unwanted. I had been turned down repeatedly by the man I loved and I had pledged to be with forever. He felt like I was his child, his daughter, and now he was giving his attention to someone else. Another woman. I thought, "Who's gonna love me now? Who's gonna want me around? I'm a fat cow. My life is over, I'm done with." I was again hurt, and confused, and scared. I figured it was only a matter of time before he left me to be with her, or someone else.

One night, I had been over at a girlfriends house, and I was driving home. It was late, it was dark, and I look over and see this club. There's loud music, people are standing outfront talking, and I don't know what came over me but I just decided I needed a drink. The moment I set my foot through the door I met Craig. He laid eyes on me and was just by my side in a second. He was smooth in this adorible dorky way and he was laying it on thick. He was like my husband, charasmatic and charming. He was just, hot. Like Brad Pitt, and Chad Michael Murry rolled into one. That's Craig.

"Well helllloooo beautiful lady."

Gwen turned, not quite sure she was the person being spoken to. Her eyes locked on a tall, slim man. His bright eyes were staring back excitedly.

"Me?" She couldn't help the cheesy giggle that escaped her lips when he nodded.

"What is a pretty girl like you doing around here? Tell me honey, does your husband know how sexy you are? Because you have about the most precious eyes I've ever seen."

The only thing running through her mind was, "Wow." He was so attractive, and he was talking to her. Someone actually thought she, Gwen, was beautiful?

I was just blown away at everything he was saying. I had been waiting to hear it for years. We became inseperable. We went to the movies, we went to lunch, we did everything together. When ever Joshua would ask me what was going on, or who I was spending all my time with I would lie or I would just say it didn't have anything to do with him. Craig knew I was married and stupid me assumed that our relationship would neverbe anything other than friendship. But I, at the same time, I knew that wasn't true. I knew what he wanted from day one. He looked at me with one sause on his mind, and I was the steak. But at that point I didn't care.

I should have.

One night Craig was dropping me back off at my car. It was late into the evening, it was dark, stars were out. He put his arms around me, to hug me and I noticed that he lingered there, just alittle bit longer than usual. Which was fine with me, I mean I was loving the affection and the attention I was getting from him. But he pulled back a little bit and just looked at me. We stood for a minute, gazing at eachother, and then he leaned down very slowly, and gave me just the best most sensual kiss. It was wonderful. It was romantic, and it was gentle, and it was tender. Everything I had been missing.

But it also brought with it alot of guilt. I realized what I was doing to my husband, and to Craig, and to myself, and my life and I didn't want to do it anymore. I walked into the living room one night and sat down on the sofa next to Joshua, and I said, "Honey I have something to tell you."

My wife came to me and told me she wasn't happy in our married. She said she felt like I was acting more like her father than her husband. She felt betrayed about what had happened with the phone call, and she felt like I didn't love her or want her anymore. That was not the case at all, and I was shocked. I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't know how to fix it for her.

But I had a gut feeling. I knew there was someone else. She had been acting different, she had changed herself. She was more upbeat, she dressed different, she went out all the time. I didn't know if she had cheated or not, but I knew someone interesting had come into her world.

Joshua looked at me and he said, "Who is it? Just who it is? Tell me who it is." And I said, "It's no one you know. His name is Craig."

Then she told me she had kissed him. Nothing more, just a kiss, and she was sorry.

He got up from the sofa and went into the kitchen and just started drinking. I mean he was throwing them back. It was making me nervous. He wasn't talking to me, he wasn't looking at me, he was just drinking as much as he could. Then in a second, he was on me. He had me pinned to the wall, and when I fought him off and ran to the livingroom, he pinned me to the couch. He pulled me so close to him, and he was kissing my face and my lips so hard that it hurt. He kept asking, "Is this what he does? Is this how he holds you? Is this how he kisses you?" I told him, "Joshua, stop. You're hurting me. No, stop." But he didn't.

I never was the type of guy to hurt my wife or smack her around, but I did that night. I still to this day wish that had never happened. It was rough sex, fueled by anger, rage, jealousy, hurt. It was almost out of body, like I was watching myself do it and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I'll never forget her face, I'll never forgive myself for doing it. I'm sure it pained her physically, and it caused some mental scars for both of us.

After he forbid me to leave the house. He took my car keys, my cellphone, everything. I wasn't allowed to go anything. For months, I was dying inside. I was waking up and exsisting, but I was still dying inside.

About 5 or 6 months later, I was at the bank. It was a bright sunny day. I looked up as I was leaving the ATM and walking towards me was Craig. He stopped and gave me a hug and asked how I'd been and said he had been looking for me. It was like everything in my life feel back into place at that moment. I got in the car with him and we went for a drive and Craig and I decided to take the relationship to the next level.

We went to a nice hotel, in a different town. It was a beautiful hotel room. We spent nine hours in that room together. I made love to him that day. The way he made love was incredible. He made sex magical. He made me feel special, and beautiful. I hadn't felt that in a long time. I hadn't made love to someone, or had someone make love to me, in more than 3 years.

It also made me see that I had to make a decision. I loved Craig. He was great, he treated me like a princess, he made me feel alive again. But I couldn't lie to my husband anymore. We had a history, we had a romance. Joshua took care of me too, and he loved me from Day 1. He stayed with me, through sickness and in health and I couldn't let him go.

I had known what was up as soon as she and Craig saw eachother again. I could feel it in the bottom of my stomach. She had changed again. But I had changed too. I had thought long and hard, and I decided that this was my woman. I loved this woman. No man was going to come slithering in under my feet and take her away from me.

I went to her and I told her that I admitted my part in all of this. I admitted that I was wrong in holding back the way I felt for her, I was wrong for that relationship I was carrying on with that other woman. I also told her that I loved her, and that I needed her, and that I wanted us to be able to work it out. We had a history, we had a life together, and we had only been married for a few years and we hadn't really given it a try yet. We owed that to eachother, to really try to work it out. To really try to stay together, through thick and thin.

I agreed with him, that we hadn't really tried. I admitted what I had done to him, that I had lied to him, and I sincerely told him that I was sorry and I really wanted to work on getting our relationship back together again. I was tired of lying, I was tired of feeling hurt, I was ready for it to end. We were both ready for it to all end and for us to get on with our life together.

Craig called my cellphone the next day, and Joshua answered it. He doesn't know that I heard him, but I did.

At first I was fired up. I couldn't believe the nerve of this man, calling my wife almost like he had ownership of her. I'm sure he was calling to ask her to meet up with him somewhere, and I wanted to reach through the phone and just, lay into him. I wanted to beat the crap out of the guy.

I told him Gwen was still my wife, and until that changed he wasn't allowed with have any contact with her ever again. He wasn't to call, he wasn't to drive by, he wasn't to even look at her if he saw her out on the street.

It's funny how big of an impact that had on me. For the first time in a long while I felt like he meant all the things he had said to me. He was finally showing me that he loved me. He was standing up for me, he was fighting for me and for our relationship and our love. That was all I had really wanted all along.

Do I love my wife? Absolutely. I love her more now that the day I married her. She's still my bestfriend, my companion, my mate. She's still the beautiful woman I've ever seen, she's still the best lover I've ever had. She's still my world and she always will be.

Now that I look back on it all, I only really came alive when I started working on my marriage. Not with Craig. I don't know if things will ever be the way they were before. When we were newlyweds, when we were on that island. But I'm still so thankful that we are still together and that we have come as far as we have over the past two years. Joshua Chasez is still the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't think I ever could have lived with myself if I had let him go.

Diary of an Affair
Joey and Denise Fatone

How do I write this? Where do I begin?

My parents have been married since they were 18 years old. They were high school sweethearts for 4 years and then they got married and have been together for 30 years. When I was a little girl, I idolized my Mother. I followed her around, and I mimicked her, I did everything she did. All I wanted was to grow up and live that life that she was living.

Joey and I met, at a party one New Years Eve. We were in New York, and I was there with my friends, and he was with his friends. I spotted him across the room, and I was immediately attracted to him. I thought he was a really really good looking guy. He was tall, athletic, handsome-he was hot.

He and his friends were hanging out by the bar, and I wanted him to notice me, so I went strolling past him to order something, and he didn't say anything. So I walked past him again. I walked past him about four times.

I noticed her the first time she passed me. I thought she was beautiful, long dark hair. I kept kicking myself everytime she passed me and I didn't say anything to her. I was afraid I would say something stupid. I was positive I was going to leave this party without saying anything to her.

Finally I passed him and he grabbed my hand. We started talking, he bought me a drink.

She hung around me that whole night.

It was nice, talking to him that night. He was so intelligent, and witty. I thought he was amazing.

I knew she was a special young woman. She was smart, and funny, she was attractive, well put together. I knew she was someone I was going to want to hang onto.

We exchanged numbers that night, and things started off slow. We went to a movie, we went to dinner, we talked on the phone a few times a week. It wasn't serious in a romantic way until about March. We spent a lot of that time between Janyuary and March becoming friends. He became my best friend, he was easy to talk to, he was laid back. I felt comfortable around him all the time.

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and I definately proved that right. She invited me over to dinner at her Mother's, and I was gone after that.

He thought it was incredible. I'd never seen him eat that much food before. And Joey can put away an entire large pizza by himself and still be looking for cookies, okay? He can eat.

They started inviting me over more after that, and I began to eat there atleast once a week. One of those nights I picked Denise up at her apartment, and I was taking her back home when things took a turn.

He got back to my house and he kissed me goodnight, and normally it was just a peck, but this time it was more than that. It kept going, and it got more loving, and passionate, and one thing just lead to another.

We ended up in her bedroom, and things were escalading quickly. We couldn't keep out hands off eachother. She was on me, I was on her, it just didn't stop.

We spent the night together, and it was great. I knew then, that I interested in being with him forever.

I thought to myself, she's the one. She's the one I've been searching for. I've gotta hold onto her. Things progressed very quickly after that. We moved in together a few weeks later. It was only a few months after that that I asked her to marry me. I just woke up one morning and voice in my head said, 'Ask her.'

Denise pulled her feet up under her body as she focused on the television set in front of her. No matter how many times she saw Maury, she couldn't get enough of those 'How's Your Daddy' episodes. It was sad really.

Joey was seated next to her, at the other end of the sofa, fiddling with his nails, glancing around the room, anything to occupy his attention. This is where they differed. She watched smut TV, he didn't.

"Hey," he turned to her nonchalantly. His responce was her eyebrows raising questionably and he head slightly turning his direction, though her eyes were still glued to the TV.

"Will you marry me?"

That got her attention. Her eyes locked on his and she froze for a moment before smiling, "Joey, if you want my attention just say so-."

"No, I'm being serious. It's been on my mind a lot recently," he slouched back so he could shove a hand into his pocket, "Will you marry me?" he held out a gold band with a single, perfect, glittering diamond in the middle.

"You're being serious?" Denise sat up quickly, gasping down at the ring in Joey's palm.

"Yeah. So, what do you say?"

Denise looked up at him, searching his face as she tried unsuccessfully to hid her excitement.

"Yes! Yes, yes, ofcourse yes."

The wedding happened pretty quickly. It was weird that we weren't in a hurry, but at the same time we were. We were ready to get married and be together and find out what this whole 'married life' hoopla was all about.Our wedding we simple, in our neightborhood church. We said simple vows and the reception was in his parents backyard.

Right away we settled down. I was still chasing after that dream of living a life like my Mother's and that started to happen when I became pregnant.

Denise got pregnant right away. We had our first daughter almost exactly nine-months after our wedding.

I was pretty content with our marriage after our first child. My friends said that I seemed pretty content. Things stopped being so extravigant with me. I didn't get my hair done once a week, I didn't shop all the time. I put on a little weight from the pregnancy. I was content with the way my life was.

Then our second daughter less than a year later.

That's when the problems really began. Things got hectic for us, because now we had two small children to care for. There started being less and less time for just Joey and I.

Then she got pregnant a third time, this time it was a boy.

That was when everything really started going South with our relationship.

Joey had always wanted a son, so now everything was about his son. They went to the park, they went to movies, they played video games. Sometimes me and my daughters would be included in the activities but mostly it was, 'You go do girl things and we'll go do guy things.'

I started to feel alittle neglected. There wasn't as much attention on me as there been before, and I wasn't completely comfortable with that. We spent so much time taking care of the kids, going to work, it got to the point where going was bed just that, going to bed. We became strangers who passed eachother in the kitchen on the way in and out the door.

I knew that my wife was feeling a little left alone, but I didn't know the extent of it all. I didn't know how deeply those emotions ran for her. And maybe, yeah, part of me was being selfish and just not willing to give her that attention. I worked long hours, we had three children, I worked days and she worked nights. It seemed like a lot of work on my part to get back to those pre-baby days. I figured this was married life, this is how it's supposed to be.

I was working at a bar back then, bartending, and there are always customers who will come in and compliment you and try to hit on you and things of that nature. I was used to it though and didn't pay most of them any attention, but at the same time I liked it. It made me feel sexy, something I was missing at home.

One night an old friend came into the bar, Dion. We knew eachother in highschool, he was the boyfriend of a friend and he and I were close friends at that time. Then we went off to seperate colleges and lost touch with one another. He came in, and we talked, and reminised about old times. I told him I was married, he told me he wasn't married. It was fun, it was nice to see someone from my past. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers.

Things started off friendly, we'd talk on the phone, he'd come into the bar. We were just kind of getting reaquainted with eachother. He would flatter me and compliment me. He told me I was beautiful, and I hadn't heard that in awhile. It was about two weeks after we first met in the bar when he started asking me out. I kept 'No' ofcourse, and he knew I was married, but he kept asking and making it clear that he was interested. One night, I was angry with Joey over something, and he asked me out and I said 'Yes'.

We went to a movie. It was fun, it wasn't like any other date that I had been on because instead of feeling like I was with a stranger that I was trying to get to know, I was with someone who knew me and understood me. One date turned into two, which became three, and pretty soon we were in a relationship.

I was completely oblivious to what was going on. I didn't know that she had met up with an old friend, I didn't know that they talked. She never mentioned him, he never called the house. She would tell me she was working more hours or going out with her girlfriends and I assumed she was being truthful.

One night we were at Dion's place, and we were just sitting around, playing some music and talking, and he kissed me. It was hungry, and needy. It had been a long time since I had felt needed, so when he whispered to me while he was kissing me that he needed me, I was gone. My head was off, and I just went with it. That was the night I slept with Dion. It was high, and erotic, being with someone new after so many years with the same man. I knew I was doing something wrong, that something didn't feel right, but it felt good so I kept going. It wasn't until the middle of the act when I realised I was having an affair.

Afterwards I just felt horrible. I felt guilty about the whole thing. The love part was begining to wear off and I realized then that it was just lust that made me do it. But I didn't want to let myself dwell on that. I tried to make it Joey's fault in my mind. I tried to say, 'Well if he had paid more attention to me...' or 'If he had spent more time with me then this wouldn't have happened.' I didn't end the relationship with Dion, and things kept getting bigger and bigger. We spent less and less of our time together talking and more and more of it in bed.

The phone bill came one month, and I opened it, figuring I would drop off the payment on my way to work for her. I was scrolling along all the calls, like I always do with any of the phone bills, and I saw there were a lot of calls to this one unfamiliar number. So I called it, and a guy answered. I told him who I was, and I said, "Look man, we're both men, we're both adults. Tell me what's going on. Give it to me straight." He said, "Well man to man, I've been having relations with your wife."

I was upset, I was hurt, I was disappointed. All these years I had been so faithful to her, and she was playing around behind my back. I got back on the phone with Dion and I asked him to call her on three-way so I could listen. She wouldn't even know I was there. So he said he'd set it up. I went into one of the bedrooms while he called her.

Dion just called me out of the blue, on the house line, which he never calls. He was just acting really awkward, and asking me all kinds of weird questions like, 'How are you doing?' 'How was you're day?' and then he started talking about things we had done in the past.

He started reminicing about different times and places they had had sex. Different things they had said and experiemented with.

I got off the phone with Dion, because I didn't really want to talk to him. Especially with Joey at home.

After they hung up I came in the room.

"Who was that?"

Denise looked up from where he head was resting in her hand on the sofa, "Oh, wrong number."

"Wrong number huh?"

"Yeah."

"Well, speaking of numbers, who's number is this?" Joey pulled the offensive phone bill from behind his back and held it out to her. All the calls to Dion had been high-lighted.

"I don't know."

"Well there's a lot of calls from your phone to this person you don't know."

She started denying that there was anything going on, she said she didn't know the guy. Eventually I just told her I knew who it was and I knew it was him that just called because I was listening to the whole thing. I asked him to do. Her face fell, and I knew she was busted.

When he told me that I knew I was busted.

I immediately called Dion and started yelling at him. I couldn't believe that he had set me up like that. How could he have told my husband, and not said anything to me about it? I ended my friendship with Dion right then.

Immediately we started arguing. There was a lot of yelling, there was a lot of screaming. The kids were getting upset, and she decided to spend that night in a hotel. When she came back home, her whole out look had changed.

I decided that night that I wanted to work on my marriage, I wanted to fix everything that was going on. When I came home I tried to be that woman that he wanted me to be. I tried to be the perfect little housewife. I started trying to work on things with Joey, and I thought that they were getting better over time.

Things were just getting worse for me. Everytime I looked at her I saw another man. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw the two of them together. I was sickening with the details I wanted to know.

He kept asking 'How was it?' 'How long did you do?' 'Was he better than me'? I didn't understand all the questions. I didn't understand why it mattered. I wanted to move past it, and he kept bringing it up everyday. He was good at making me feel horrible about it. He would said, "How could you do this? I was the perfect husband. I gave you everything you ever wanted, but nothing is ever good enough for you."

The more and more I learned about it, the more and more part of me started to hate her. She had taken our happy little home and ruined it, for some guy.

I tried to get Joey to go to marriage counseling with me, but he absolutely refused to.

We didn't get along anymore, we spent alot of time arguing and fighting. She thought we were working on our marriage, and I was really just there for the kids. I didn't think that their world had to be devasted because their mother made some big mistakes. But one day I woke up, and just like something told me to marry her, something told me to go.

He said that he was leaving. I said 'No, you're my man, you're going to stay here.'

I said I was moving. And I did.

I think we had just had enough of eachother. All of it was too much, and there wasn't anything we could really do to fix it.

He filed for a divorce not long after that. I wasn't devasted, because I saw it coming. And honestly if it was me I would have done the same thing. It wasn't until after everything was done that I saw everything that I had done to him. To my family. I gave up the perfect life, the life I had wanted since I was toddler. I had something special, something perfect. I had someone perfect and I let it go for a fling, because I was lonely and I didn't say so.

I had no doubt that if she had been honest about her feelings before all of these, then we could have worked something out. But I couldn't trust her after that. Everytime she left the house I'd wonder what she was doing, who she was with. I started going out of my mind with paranoia.

The affair was my lifes biggest mistake.

I've grown alot of mine and Denise's relationship. I really have.

Joey's married to a wonderful lady now who loves him and cherises him. I'm successfully moving on with my life. Strangely enough getting divorced was a good thing for our relationship. We have a mature, adult relationship. We're better friends now than we were when we were married. The kids are happy, I'm happy. That's all that matters, right?

Diary of an Affair
Chris Kirkpatrick and Trisha

Sixty percent of married men, and fourty percent of married women, cheat. I just didn't know I'd be one of them. I was raised in a strict Catholic family, and we weren't allowed to date. When I turned 17 and graduated High School, I got the hell outta there. I didn't know what was out there in the world, but I was ready to find out. I just knew I did not want to get married and have kids.

When I was 19 I met a man, and I fell in love, or what I thought was love. We met on August 1st and got married on October 13th. Over the next 4 years I had two children. After that the relationship turned bad, and I decided it would be better for my boys if I left. So one day I packed them up and we took off. I got a job as a realtor and started making my own money. I liked being a single mom and raising my boys and knowing I could take care of us, but then I started thinking about if I would like being in a relationship again. Just to have someone to wake-up to and have coffee with.

I decided to go ahead and put an ad up on a dating website on the internet. Nothing special, just to test the waters and see what was out there. Once my ad was up, I started getting about 80 emails a day. I was in utter shock. I read one that said, "Hi my name is Chris, and I live at this place and my number is this, call any time," and I knew he had nothing to hide. I gave him a call, and we chitchatted for a minute, and I mentioned that I was going to go take my dog for a walk. He asked if he could come along, and said he'd bring his dog too.

I was really happy when she agreed to meet me. We had only begun speaking on the phone a few minutes prior, so I was sure she was going to say 'no', I don't even know why I asked. When I got to the park, I could see her, playing with her little chiuahuah. I thought to myself, "That's a very nice looking woman." and as I got closer to her, I could see her better. She was wearing these black spandex pants, and she was playing with her dog, bending over. I think she did it on purpose.

When I saw Chris come walking up, I was attracted to him. I thought he walked with an air of confidence.

Another thing I noticed about her right away was her laugh. She seemed like a happy person. So we stood around and talked for a minute, small talk about the dogs or the weather or whatever. We only talked for a few minutes, before she had to go.

I told him as I was leaving, that he could call me if he wanted, and maybe we could talk about going out sometime. I got home, and not an hour later he called, and asked if I wanted to go out that night.We went to a nice little club, and had dinner, and danced alittle. I have to admit that by the end of the evening I was tipsy.

We were on the dance floor, and she stepped away from me, and I looked at her like, "What are you doing?" and she stared up at me and said, "Do you want to kiss me?" I was surprised.

I surprised the hell out of myself. But I did it. I kissed him, on the first date, and it was magical. I hadn't been kissed in a long time, since I had divorced my first husband.

After that things started progressing quickly. We went to the movies, we went on weekend retreats. It turned out we lived closer than we thought, so I would spend the night at her house, she'd spend the night at my house. It was a fast moving relationship.

Maybe a little too fast. Our relationship started to reach it's peak about 6 months into our courtship, and then it started to go back down. When I first met Chris he was exactly the type of person I had been looking for. He was funny, energetic. He liked to go out and be doing things, going here, going there. Things we never dull with him. But then he started staying home more, and he didn't want to go out and do things as much, he stopped joking as much. I would come over to his house and he would be sitting down watching something boring on television. We spent our first anniversary at my house with my kids, playing boardgames. He didn't plan anything romantic at all.

I admit maybe I wasn't being as active as I once was, but my lifestyle was changing. The demands of my job weren't as hectic as they had been before, so I was enjoying beging able to sit down at home and not do anything. I thought it was nice spending our anniversary with her kids. They had kind of become like my kids in a way and I thought all of us being together like a little family would be good.

One day I was sitting at home and I was looking up something on the internet, and I remembered my personal ad. I hadn't checked it in a year, since Chris and I met, but I'd never taken it down. It was one of those free sites that'll stay up until you remove it. So I decided to take a glance at it, just to see if anything new had happened in that year. I had a couple of emails, and one in particular had been very recent. It was from a man named Jim. He said I seemed like a very nice lady, a good looking lady, and that if I was still on the market he'd like to have a chat with me. I don't know what I was thinking when I picked up the phone and dialed his number....

Jim and I talked, and began going out to dinner once in awhile. He got me, and he understood me and what I wanted. He would take me out hiking, or on his boat and we'd fish, or whatever. He exhibited all the qualities I had been looking for in someone. All the qualities I wanted that Chris didn't have.

Trisha told me that she had made some new friends at her job, and they had this little weekly club where they'd go out and do things as a group. They'd have girls day or girls weekend or something like that. I didn't suspect an affair, but I did notice that she had less time to spend doing things with me.

Jim and I had been seeing eachother for about a month when he asked me to go away with him for the weekend. I told Chris I was going away on a buisness trip, and he agreed to watch the kids. Jim took me to a cabin in the woods. It was beautiful, surrounded by trees, by this little stream. He made us a picnic basket for lunch on that Saturday, our second day there. We were sitting on a blanket, talking, being affectionate with one another. One thing lead to a second, and we ended up making love on that blanket in the middle of the woods.

After we got back that was what we spent most of our time together doing. It was like we couldn't get enough of eachother. We were like lovestruck teenagers again. Jim made me feel young, like I was a kid who could go out and do anything. Chris made me feel old, like I couldn't do anything but sit at home with my kids. But it was starting to get harder and harder to have the two relationships. Chris started asking why I was spending so much time with my friends and going on so many work related trips when I hadn't the year before. He wanted to meet my friends, to be able to go with us. Jim started wanting more of a commitment, and I realized I had to make a choice.

One day I was at her house, I had been doing some work on her computer because my printer was busted, and I had left some papers and a disc over there. I bumped the mouse and the screen popped up, and I saw it was her email inbox. I only glanced it for a second, and I was moving the mouse to close it, and noticed there were a lot of emails from one name in particular, and one of them was a new message. I knew it was man, because his screen name was his name, and curiousity got the best of me. I opened some of the emails and they were talking about how much fun they were having, and how they couldn't wait to see eachother again. They were discussing the sexual side of their relationship and it became clear to me that Trisha was having an affair.

I didn't say anything to her at that point, I acted like nothing was going on and I hadn't seen anything. I got my papers and kissed her goodbye and as I was walking out to my car I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She said no, and looked at me kinda funny, so I went ahead and left. When I got home, I decided to spill the beans. I sent her an email, since I knew she'd be checking it soon since she was waiting to hear from Loverboy. I told her I knew what was going on and that she was sleeping with someone else and that I was disappointed, and I wasn't interested in seeing her anymore.

When I read Chris' email all I could do was drop my head in my hands. I just kept saying, "What have I done? What have I done?"

I tried calling him, but he wouldn't answer the phone. It was two weeks before he finally decided to talk to me.

It was on accident. I had my hands full and I was juggling all of this stuff and my phone, I forgot to check the caller ID.

I couldn't apologise enough. I told him I loved him, and I was sorry, and that I had broken it off with Jim. Jim and I were over, and I wanted to be with him, and I was sorry and I'd do anything to make it right, to make it up to him.

I felt for her, because I loved her, and I hate to see her hurt, even if she did do it to herself. I felt for her kids, because I had fallen in love with her boys too, and their father wasn't active in their lives. I was the only father figure they knew. They never met Jim.

But he told me he couldn't do it. He couldn't look at me and be with me without remembering what I had done, and that I had been with someone else.

I have self respect. I needed to keep some of my dignity.

I was ashamed, that I had let this happen. That I had pushed this man out of my life. I was afraid that I had taken away my boys' chance at a real Dad. I was afraid I would be alone for the rest of my life. I was ashamed that I had become one of those those women, who didn't have any respect for their bodies or their relationships. I regret what happened between Jim and I, and if I could go back and change it, I would. But I know I can't.

After a few weeks it got easier to deal with. Trisha and I never got back together, but I felt for her boys, and I loved her boys, and I still take care of them.

He picks them up, takes them out to dinner. They'll go stay at his house for the weekend or a week during summer. They talk on the phone a lot. If we're having trouble he'll give me money to take care of them. Both boys call him Dad.

Best parting gift I've ever gotten out of a relationship! Past relationships I walked away with an empty wallet, or a broken heart. This one, I got to walk away with two great kids, I got to walk away as a Dad.

Diary of an Affair
Lance and Terri Bass

Sixty percent of married men, and fourty percent of married women, cheat. I just didn't know I'd be one of them. We met at a friends house party. Nothing big, just a small get together with about 8 people or so. I was attracted to him, he had these beautiful green eyes. They were very soulful, they put me at ease. He told me his name was Lance, and he had this deep southern drawl, I found that comforting, and alittle romantic. He wasn't loud and obnoxious like other people at the party. He was shy, and a bit reserved. I was comfortable about him, and I felt like he really listened to me. I didn't worry about how I looked or how I sounded when I was with him.

We developed a relationship, and started to spend alot of time together. We'd mostly sit at his apartment playing videogames or watching TV, talking about nothing. We were comfortable just being together, we didn't need to be out doing something, spending alot of money to be happy in eachothers company.

After a few weeks we had grown closer, and we started talking about how cool it was that we liked eachother so much, and how it was such a coincedence that we met that night. I had become even more attracted to him as time had gone by. He was sweet, and charming, and funny, and I couldn't help but want him. But he was very shy, and I knew that if I didn't make the first move then nothing would happen between us because he wouldn't. So one night we were laying on the sofa, and I leaned up and kissed him. It was slow, and sensual. Very romantic. It was definately the best kiss I'd ever had.

Very quickly after that things started to move along. We spent even more time together, we got along even better. It was like this was the relationship I was born to be in, there was no one more suited to me on this Earth. We fell head over heels fast. It was only three months into the relationship when we first had sex. I figured I loved him, and I wanted him, and I was ready to be with him. It was very sensual, and sensitive. There was alot of kissing, and carressing. I realized Lance was very much my rock, my stability in the world at that time.

We had been dating for four years, and things were starting to get boring. We weren't unhappy together, but we knew that it time for something else to happen. Everyone was waiting for us to take that next step in our relationship, and it seemed like the thing we were supposed to do, so I asked Lance to marry me. I wanted him to be happy, and I didn't want him to become bored with our relationship. It was nothing fancy, I didn't get on my knees or anything, I just kinda turned one day and casually asked, "Would you marry me?" and he said, "Yes."

Almost immediately after I started to think about what this meant, and how this was going to completely change my life around. I wasn't positive that this was exactly what I wanted, but I didn't say anything. Lance was very excited, my family was happy, we were already making plans. How could I undo all that and say, "Sorry, I changed my mind?" It doesn't work that way.

Lance wanted a slightly non-traditional ceremony, and we decided that instead of a priest we would have a close friend of ours do the ceremony. We asked a mutual friend of ours, Dennis, to perform the ceremony. Dennis and I had had a brief relationship before my relationship with Lance.

We'd gone out once or twice, very casual. Nothing physical had happened between us. I thought Terri and Lance were good together. I looked at it like, "Here's two of my friends getting together. They're happy." There was no bad blood or jealousy or anything like that.

Things after we got married were fine in the beginning. There wasn't a big change in our relationship. It was new for a moment but then we realized it pretty much what we had been doing before, only now there was a bunch of legal stuff. Lance and I had been pretty good about spicing up things in the bedroom. We liked to try new things, keep eachother guessing, but after a certain point there was nothing left to do. It was just dull and felt like we had fallen into the same routine over and over.

Around that same time Dennis started hanging out with us me. We had grown closer as friend since he performed our wedding ceremony, and it wasn't uncommon for him to be over at the house or to go out on the town with us. He was like our sidekick.

Terri and I are both big flirts, whereas Lance is a little quiet, generally keeps to himself. Terri and I did flirt alittle bit when we were together, but neither of us felt as if it was crossing the line. We weren't doing anything physical with eachother, and the amount of flirting we did did seem to increase with time.

The flirting did begin to grow into more. It became a touch here, a kiss on the cheek there. Nothing that I really thought would lead into more, but at the sametime I knew it was something we shouldn't have been doing because we were careful not to do it infront of Lance.

One night we were in her car, leaving a friends' party, and we started kissing. Kissing lead to touching, and touching lead to alot more. I figured that since it was done, and we had slept together that now it was over. We had gotten it out of our systems and everything between us could go back to normal. We could go back to being friends.

Sleeping with Dennis didn't really weight heavily on my mind. I was still having problems with coming to the realization that I was a married woman, and that I was partaking in actions that I shouldn't have been. I didn't want to be married, no matter how perfect Lance was. I wanted to be young, and single, and carefree. I felt like since I was married the only thing left to do was have kids, and then my life would be wrapped up and I'd never get to experience all the things I wanted too.

One night we'd all gone out to a club and we got back rather late. We sat up watching television for awhile, and it was decided that Dennis would stay the night. Lance had picked him up, and Lance had been drinking and I didn't want him out driving like that.

Lance went to bed before either of us, and once he was gone Terri asked me to go on a walk with her. So we got up and walked out the door. I had a feeling of what she wanted, and part of me knew it wasn't a good idea for us to be continuing to be intimate with eachother. I thought the first time that it was done, it was out of our systems, and it was over, but obviously it wasn't.

I knew as we were leaving the apartment what was going to happen between Dennis and I. That was when I realized I was having an affair.

We found some quiet little place to do it, and we did. It was rough, it was aggressive. Afterwards we acted like it was nothing. We kept it to ourselves. At the apartment I laid down on the couch, Terri got in bed with her husband. I think the next morning he drove me home and that was it. It was like nothing happened.

Almost immediately after I realised I was having an affair I started to feel guilty about it. I didn't want to hurt Lance, but at the same time it was hurting me to keep this bottled up inside, and I knew it was going to start affection our marriage soon. I decided I wanted to try counceling, and Lance was very apprehensive at first. It's kinda funny how I was the one who was cheating, but I had to convince him to go to counceling with me.

Terri had been acting strange ever since that night, and I knew she was starting to think about telling Lance about our affair, she was starting to think of ways for us to get caught. I had no interest whatsoever in getting caught. I didn't think it was a big deal. It was just sex. It was just friends getting together, and we had dated before so you couldn't deny that there had to have been some physical attraction there.

During one of our sessions the therapist asked what I really wanted to be doing. I said I really wanted to live alone for awhile. How could I know that I could take care of a family, and take care of Lance, if I didn't even know if I could take care of myself. Lance was pretty shocked, he was pretty hurt. We had a big fight when we got home. He told me to leave, said it was pretty obvious I didn't want to live with him, he didn't understand how his wife could say that. That's when I told him about Dennis and I. I think part of him already knew, but he didn't want to say anything. He didn't want to believe that his wife and his bestfriend were doing this behind his back. That night I packed some of my things and went to stay at my Mothers.

Lance filed for divorce two days later.

Terri was really broken up about the divorce with Lance. She had been holding on to this fairtale dream of meeting her prince and living happily ever after and it was hard for her to see that that wasn't what was happening. That was when she really started to turn up the charm on me. She started coming over more often. She'd come over and get drunk on purpose so she'd have to spend the night. I wasn't interested in a relationship with her, and I told her so.

There is no relationship with Dennis anymore. I realized that my life was much better without him. Lance and I still talk once in awhile, we're no where near as close as we were before or during our marriage. I can see myself married again one day, but for the right reasons.

Lance Bass declined his invitation to participate in this interview.

Diary of an Affair
Justin Timberlake and Charity Schoback

I can't believe I let myself become this woman. I always watched TV, and saw the women on talk shows who were confronting their lying boyfriends and I would say, "Girl, you need to get rid of him!" Then I found myself in that same position, and I did something I never thought I'd do. This is my dairy, my dairy of his affair.

I was the nerdy kid growing up. I didn't have a ton of friends, I mostly did clubs and academic stuff for school to make the time go by. I wasn't popular with boys at all, the few guy friends I had looked at me like a little sister, and we alittle afraid of me because I was strong and I spoke my mind. I kind of, grew into myself when I hit my late teens, early 20's. I figured out that I was who I was and there were men out there who would accept that. That gave me alot of confidence and I opened up to people more. But, guys still mostly looked at as the cool little sister. I had been out on a few dates but no serious relationships.

Justin and I met at the mall of all places. Who meets at the mall nowadays? There was this guy in one of my classes that I had always thought was really cute. Adorible. Hot, even. He and Justin look alike, like brothers, damn near identical. So, I'm at the mall in a store and I see Justin, and ofcouse he looks like Kyle, the guy in my class. So I'm looking at him, and looking at him, trying to figure out if that's Kyle or not. Finally Justin turns to me and says, "Why are you staring at me?"

I thought to myself, "Oh great, now some stranger thinks I'm a freak."

I explained to him what I was doing, confusing him with someone else, and he said he got that alot. We got into a conversation, which led to exchanging phone numbers, which led to going to the movies that night. I was smitten with him from day one. I thought he was the most amazing guy. He was gorgeous with these big blue eyes. He was tall and lean and had this amazing tummy.

Most of all he impressed me because he listened to me. Really listened. He had a rought childhood, like I did. I've always been attracted to people who have a 'past'. But, he understood me like no one did, because he was in the same place I was. I fell so in love with him. I loved who he was as a person, and who he wanted to become. He wanted to make it in life, grow up and be somebody, have a family. He was motivated.

We started officially dating days after we met. We were inseperable. There wasn't a 6 hours period that went by where we didn't talk. Middle of the night, middle of the day, it didn't matter we were together. Like one of those whirlwind summer romances that you can't stop thinking about years later. We'd only been together for two weeks when he told me he loved me. I thought it was a little odd but, we spent so much time together that I thought it was possible for him to have fallen in love with me. Besides, I thought I was in love with him too.

It was about three months into our relationship when the problems began. He started getting strange calls on his cellphone, calls he didn't want me to know anything about. He'd get up and leave when he checked the caller ID. He'd lock his phone so I could look at anything, when normally he didn't care what I did. I just a feeling in the pit of my stomach, that something was going on.

I got bored onenight, so I hopped online and got on MySpace. Everyone knows what MySpace is, it's the new IN thing. Justin and I both have one. So I went and got a cute little 'I Love You' blinky thing and I was going to put it on his MySpace. I get to his page, and there's these comments, from a girl who was like 17 or 18, saying that she loves him so much, and he's her baby, they're going to be together. My heart just dropped into my chest. I went to her page and there was a countdown to their one month anniversary posted.

I was so mad, I was livid. I didn't know what to do. I felt empty, and drained, like someone had taken my heart and ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it. Here was this man I loved, and her was another girl, loving him too. I didn't have the strength to see him face to face. I knew I'd just break down and cry, or lose my nerve, so I called him instead. It's easier to confront someone over the phone. He denied the whole thing. Said she was a friend, the countdown was because she'd just moved back into town and it would symbolize their month of being friends face-to-face again.

I bought that BS. Not completely, but I let him off the hook. He accused me of not trusting him, of not loving him and caring about his feelings. I felt bad, because if it was the other way around, I'd want him to believe and trust in me. Then he sweet talked me, telling me how much he loved me, and wanted to be with me. He said I was everything he was looking for in a woman and that he didn't know what he'd do if he lost me.

You know that song, What Hurts The Most, but The Rascall Flatts? He sang it to me. Like I said, I was never popular with the boys before. He was my first real boyfriend, first guy I ever loved, first guy I opened up to. I fell for the mushy stuff, because I'd never had it before.

That weekend I went away with a friend for some girls R & R. We were both having a stressful month so we decided to get away. I brought my laptop with me, so we could chat online. I couldn't bare the thought of not being connected to him. Saturday night, while my roommate slept, I went back to his MySpace. The messages from the girl were still there. I read them over and over, going back and forth from his page to hers. That feeling in my tummy was back. Something wasn't right, it just wasn't right. So I messaged her.

I told her that I was Justin's girlfriend, and I wanted to know what exactly was going on between them. At first she had this attitude, saying I better not be his ex trying to mess things up for them. I got defensive too, and I told her she had no idea who she was dealing with. I said I wasn't his ex, yet, so she better start talking. She confessed that they were together. That they'd dating for a month before making it official.

We both decided to break up with him. I called Justin and told him what I knew. He said he wanted to explain. He tried, he kept interupting me, trying to squeeze some lie in to make me believe in him. But I couldn't do it. I hung up on him. It just hurt to bad.

I didn't take his calls for a week. I knew that if I saw him or spoke to him that I would give in again. I just kept thinking about hos stupid I was to believe him. Ofcourse he was going to turn it around on me and make me feel guilty. Because HE was the guilty party. I just wanted to go back to my life without him, and move on and meet someone decent.

Around two a.m. there was a knock on my window. I still lived at home at the time, so he'd go in and out of my window when it got really late. Anyways he was there, knocking, and dummy me opened the window. He came in, told me he wanted to explain himself. I gave him the chance. I thought I was strong enough to look him in the eye and tell him 'no'.

He admitted to lying to me. He admitted that there was another girl, several other girls actually. He never did tell me exactly how many. Justin told me he did it because he was lonely. He needed to have someone to talk to, and to be with at all times. So when I went to work, or went out with other friends, he needed someone to occupy his mind so he didn't goin insane in the silence. I looked at him and I was so ready to tear him a new one. I was gonna rip him from stem to stern and then throw him out. But then he took my hand, and he looked down at me. Those eyes. Those amazing eyes. They'd begged me to believe him, to forgive him. He said he'd do anything to earn my trust back, even if it was just a trust between friends. He asked for my friendship, and I gave it. Like an idiot, I gave it. I hated that I could relate to his need for attention. I'd been lonely before. I'd been needy before. Everyone has, so I couldn't fault him for it.

We started to talk again, and I started to date again. Honestly, I hadn't been looking forward to not having him in my life. Even though he hadn't been there for long, he'd become to essential in my day-to-day world. If I didn't talk to him or see him, I was in a bad mood, or I couldn't sleep. It was like the world titled off it's axis. The idea of not having him around hurt more than anything. I was happy with our friendship, and I was having fun hanging out with friends and doing things without a boyfriend beeping my phone every ten minutes to find out what I'm doing. Justin seemed alright with it too.

He ended all of his other relationships. I was the only woman he stayed in contact with. He dated one girl, for about a week, and then it fizzled out. I thought everything was going to get back to the way it used to be. But I was wrong.

One faithful night, there was a knock at my window again. There was Justin, wearing jeans and a black hoody, climbing in my window.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, standing up from my bed.

"I came to see you, Charity," he brushed off his jeans and removed his hood as I curled my lip at him.

"Why?"

He raised an eyebrow, "Because I felt like it. I missed you, weirdo."

"I'm the weirdo? You refuse to us the frontdoor but I'm the weirdo?"

"I don't want your Mom to see me."

"You climb in the window at your house too."

"Because I don't want my Mom to see me. Duh blondie."

I looked at a strand of my raven colored hair, and then at his dirty blonde curls. I was the blondie in this conversation?

I offered McGyver a seat on my bed, and we chit chatted for a moment, because I asked again why he'd decided to come through my window. That's when the conversation changed. He scooted closer, and touched my arm, telling me he'd missed me so much. We'd seen eachother the week before, but I admitted I missed him too. He was still a fixture in my life, regardless of our past experience. My mind started to reel when his hand touched my neck, and he was leaning in to kiss me. When our lips connected, it was like my world stopped and went silent. I felt my soul let out a sigh and strangely, everything was at peace. He touch always gave me peace, it calmed me. We'd been doing the friend thing for three months, and we hadn't touched eachother the whole time.

I was a sucker for his skin, and his smell. His lips were enticing and familiar. I gave in, and we made love. That was always one of his stronger points. He was good in bed, if good on a scale of one to ten means twelve. One of his goals in life was to be the perfect lover. The 'Great Justin Timberlake' known far and wide. He was on a mission to know exactly how to touch me to make me puddy in his palm. That probably should have tipped me off to what kind of a man he was in the beginning. Who in the world is that preoccupied with sex that they read numberous books on it? But the point is, we slept together, and then after a lengthy conversation we got back together.

There was a part of me that was happy. I admit I'd been alittle off balance without him in the 'boyfriend' position. Then there was a part of me that felt alittle, over it. As if I had moved on from being that woman that was so enamored with him, and I wondered why I was doing it to myself again. It also didn't help that all of my friends were screaming, "No! Why?" in my ears. They said, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." but Justin had assured me he'd changed. I believed that he'd changed, and I also was willing to except responsibility for my role in it.

"Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice." I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

A week went by, and he was more distant than he had been when we were dating before. We didn't talk constantly. Actually, he'd disappeared for most of that first week. I didn't hear from him for three or four days. While he was gone I logged onto his MySpace, and experienced a sense of de ja vu. There were messages, from another girl, saying she loved him, and was so happy to be with him, and couldn't wait for him to move to New York so they could get married. My heart didn't even sink this time. I just thought to myself, "Are we really doing this again?"

I messaged the girl, telling her what had happened before, and what was going on now. She dropped out of the picture then and there. I didn't even mention it to Justin. It was like I was checked out. I wasn't even concerned with him, or our relationship. I knew that he didn't love me, and that I was just a nother name on his roster. Another story to tell. I also, in the moment, figured out that I deserved better.

The girl messaged Justin, telling him their little relationship was over and done with. She explained that I had spoken to her, which ofcourse meant that I knew. He conveniantly dropped out of sight for a while. I like to imagine him running out of town like a scared puppy with his tail between his legs. I broke up with him. Left him a message, on his favorite website, telling him he was scum, and I was over it. I was to old to play this game anymore. I expected to feel some hurt, some sorrow. But I just felt relief. I could finally get back to focusing on the most important thing: me.

He called, he wrote, he came by. But I was sticking to my guns this time. I was fed up. I don't hate him, but I have no love for him. I hold no ill will towards him, but I don't plan on ever seeing or speaking to him again. Don't get me wrong, I miss him at times. His voice, his touch, having his attention and affection. Feeling connected to someone. But you can't truly be connected with someone, if they're off connecting with other people too. What could be sacred or special about your relationship if they have the same relationship with others? I'm happy where I am now, just having fun with people who really do love me and respect me. I went on a date the other night that seems very promising.

I'll tell you what I least expected out of everything though. What I didn't expect though was for MySpace to be my secret cheating aid. I like to believe my woman's intuition would have lead me to the truth eventually, but honestly, the truth is I might never have known if we hadn't of been members.

I guess I should send Tom a Thank You email, huh?

Charity refused to provide contact information for Justin Timberlake so that we could schedule and interview.